CheapShow - Ep 45: Live & Unleashed and Too Bloody Early

Episode Date: June 2, 2017

It's May so it must be another MCM Live Show on the Vidfest Stage... But never one this early!! 11.30am? As a result, this show is a little more, shall we say, "loose"? Either way, you can look forward to the usual rants and raves from Eli & Paul. Ash Frith delivers more astounded commentary and we are (eventually) joined by comedian and actor Tom Bell, who basically walks into an early morning car crash of a podcast. He ends up being brilliant anyway! In this episode, we tackle... The regrets of every Edinburgh Fringe Festival performer ever, our anger at the early time slot, the unknown aspects of E-Cigs, early morning boozers, creating your own cheap laugh track, Paul & Eli go heavy on the free phone apps, we get a rather random Price of Shite and Paul creates a convoluted new game... just for the sake of ONE cheap gag! This may be our cheapest show yet! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid With @ashfrith @tombellforever If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz!

Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, this is Paul Gannon giving you a little bit of an introduction to this episode. It's another live one from MCM and it's a weird one. Mental note, never accept a date at a Comic Con at 11.30 in the morning when security is high and people are taking their time to get in so there's no one really in the audience when you start the show. However, on the basis of that we did have a lovely little crowd in who were very supportive and we love you. And so this is the episode, unedited, as is, because they also didn't have a proper recording set up.

So we had to basically stick my recording in front of a speaker. So that's what you're going to get today. Cheap Show is nothing but cheap. You can't say we don't deliver on that. Thank you again for everyone who's been helping on Patreon. If you like what we do and you want to help us keep on doing it, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and you can give as little

or as much as you want. For those who have been giving, we have planned on doing a rollout in the next two weeks, as of this recording, to get all those awards and tier gifts sent out. So throughout June, if you've been helping us, you will be hearing from us soon.

So thank you very much. And yeah, help spread the word. Share, enjoy, spread the love. Follow us on Twitter at thecheapshowpod. Email us at thecheapshow at gmail.com and go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Right, here is the show as recorded with special guests Tom Bell and Ash Frith

That would be special for our Patreon subscribers. It's like the Wizard of Oz. Why are you hiding back there? It's called showbiz, Paul, yeah? Is showbiz you hiding behind? Give them what they want. Make them laugh. Make them laugh, yeah? Yeah.

We're never doing 11.30 in the morning again. Oh, fuck that. On record, nothing ever works at 11.30 in the morning again. Oh, fuck that. I want it on record. Nothing ever works at 11.30 in the morning. For instance, posh dinners. They don't work at 11.30 in the morning. Posh dinners. Lights.

Lights. My penis doesn't work at 11.30 in the morning. Didn't need to know that Yeah you did That's not the time of day though Why are you sitting there? I'm coming but I thought we were going to start We're not with a big start

This is how we're starting now We started If you're interested in seeing what can be closely described as a show Please by all means come in and sit down Come on we're doing a show You'll find a seat, if everyone shoves up they'll be able to all squeeze in There's one or two seats at the back if you're looking Right anyway, hello and welcome to Cheap Show

So this is less of a show, more like a comedy lap dance for you guys It's like a one armon, but you don't... Do you want that on your lap? See, no, already we've got problems. Welcome to GJ's Comedy Comedy Podcast, live at MCM at 11.30 in the morning! Yay! Do you want me to cheer? Shall I cheer as well?

If we all could. Can we give the audience all microphones? No, because they only have three. That's true. That is true. And I wouldn't trust him with one. I'm saying what he can do with one. Joining me as always, please welcome on stage, Eli Silverman.

Hello. Nice to see you. Star of Barshens and The Clankerman. What's it like being a star? I'm not a star, Paul. Well, inside my heart I am, but, you know, like, in the real world, I'm just a... Tramp. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. I'm a tramp. I also like to suck tramps' dicks. Yeah, you do. Thank you. Hey, come on in. Sit down.

Take a seat. We're talking about fellating homeless men. That's what we do here. That's what I do, Paul down, take a seat. We're talking about fellating homeless men. That's what we do here. That's what I do, Paul. I'm also homeless. Yeah, what do I do? I'm homeless. You're not homeless because you sold me your house.

Don't call me a tramp. And it's not a very PC thing to fucking say, is it? No. And also Ashfrith. Ash! Right, we have got until at least 12.30. so we have 45 minutes of cheap show action to give you. So, hi Phoebe, you alright? Hiya!

We have a one-on-one relationship with some of the crowd now as well. It's like, how you doing? Therapy going alright? Are you drunk? It's 11.30! It's 11.30! On record, Phoebe, one of our listeners to Cheap Show, is at 11.30 in the morning at Comic Con, pissed off their face. I wouldn't say pissed. I'm going to edit this out, it doesn't matter what your defence is going to be.

Okay, I would say about half a bottle of gin and tonic down. Yeah, but not drunk. Half a bottle down, but not drunk. No. You can handle it like a builder. Half cut, I think is what they call it. Half cut. Yes. So this is Cheap Show. We have a few things planned. How are you guys? You alright? Hot, innit?

Not sure. Who got frisked by someone on the way in? No one. Did you get frisked by someone on the way in? No one Did you get frisked by anyone on the way in? I didn't, I got directed to a queue Which I enjoyed I got frisked by a man on the way in Now admittedly, nowhere near the MCM stadium

It was a You were mugged, weren't you? Did you give up your wallet? Yeah You were mugged He said it was security He was a hugger mugger All the time!

Hello. So, me and Eli have moved away. What do you mean moved away? I got frisked. I was padded down and everything. I had my bag searched. Yeah. Luckily they didn't check the drugs hole. Yeah. The front pocket

where, because of the changes in tobacco sizing, I've taken to putting a small amount of tobacco from a huge 30 grand bag that you have to get it in into a lot a small drug style and I was hoping I wasn't going to get some shit about that basically but he totally ignored that well I could have had a device in there, you know. Yeah. A recording device. Or...

Yeah. Yeah. Something bad, you know. Can I just double check how I'm recording this? By... I mean, I don't think it would matter if he wasn't, to be real. We haven't missed much, Paul, you know. What do you mean...

By device, do you mean e-cig? What's... Oh, yeah, an e-cig, yeah. No. They are worse than anything aren't they anything else you might have snuck in i saw one for a fiver that must be worse for you right if you spend less money that is just illness it pumps illness directly into you is anyone e-cig in here yeah vape yeah we're recording there you go how does that make you feel i think because you know

when you're a kid and you smoke to be cool like in the 80s. No one's vaping to be cool at some school, are they? Am I out of touch with his vaping? Look at the size of that fire.

I'll leave you to burn. I've got my own personal fox. Should we do a video? It looks like a Duran Duran video. It's funny because when you talk about the Wizard of Oz, you know the scene, is it the Wizard of Oz where there's snow and it turns out that was all asbestos and they were dancing in it? Really? Yeah, seriously, it was asbestos dust.

And we'll look back in 30 years' time and when we find out the vaping is horrendous for you, I go, do you remember the time at MCM where Paul danced in a mist of just asbestos mist? Paul's taken a call. I'm taking some pictures of this memorable sellout occasion.

Were you recording? My human fog machine over there with his vape stick. There we go. There's piss head. Happy birthday, piss head. Reprobates on the front. There we go. And then can I do me? Oh, you're always doing you.

It's funny because you see people walking up to the entrance, looking in and going, no, no, no, no, no. Not doing this. Not for me. Perhaps if we had some kind of fried chicken on a stick, we could do it at the side. Yeah.

Might get them in. Would we be serving it as well? Yeah. We could just break off from the podcast. Not much going on at the side and might get them in. Would we be serving it as well? Yeah. We could just break off from the podcast. Not much going on at the moment. I could just sort of sit and... That's the thing. For the next 45 minutes, this show is ours. We could do whatever the hell we like within health and safety reasons.

Within the laws of the country. Fireworks! Trouser fireworks. Have you ever done any indoor fireworks sort of test on the podcast? Oh, yeah. We should do that. I love those snakes.

What? The poo snake thing. Oh, what? No, that's something else. No, it's not. By the way, was that tobacco thing basically a life hack?

Yeah. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. No, you can't have a life hack that gives you cancer. Yeah. That literally hacks your life away. It's the opposite of a life hack. A death hack.

It's if you want to get out of the way. You know what? Just inject heroin directly into one of the big veins. We highly recommend overdosing on any type of syringical drug. I don't think you do. No? I think that's the opposite. Really?

Yeah, I think you do. Ben, I have ruined's the opposite. Really? Yeah, I think you do. But I have ruined every one of my younger sister's birthday parties, haven't I? Dressed as a clown. I wish I was drunk. You wish you were drunk? Yeah. Be better. Can we get booze?

No, we'd have to queue and go, I don't know, walk three miles. It's like distant noodle hut in there, isn't it? Have you seen the noodles? Yeah, they're distant though. It's like fucking hell. Do you have like a kind of dowsing rod for noodles where it's like, ah? No.

Sniff, sniff, sniff. That's yes-handing gone wrong. Do you have a dowsing rod for noodles? I mean, he meant your penis. Yeah, my penis can't sense noodles? I mean, he meant your penis. Yeah. My penis can't sense noodles. I didn't say it did. Honestly, even if it could, Paul, it's usually covered with

a tramp's mouth, so, you know, it wouldn't fucking work. As you know. Cheap show. We're MCM. Just to remember, just to remind everyone, 11.30 in the morning. 11.30 in the morning. 11.30 in the morning. It's not 11.30 anymore.

No one in the history of comedy has ever said, what's great for a comedy show is 11.30am. It's like Edinburgh, when you do a show in Edinburgh, and that's the only slot you can get, and you just try and pull people in off the street. Do you know when they say Heroes of the Fringe? Every year at Edinburgh they have a thing called Heroes of the Fringe, where they give awards out to certain fringe shows every single fucking show that gets an 1130 slot should be

Automatically given a hero of the fringe award because they're the people who are flyering at 10 a.m Who've been drinking since 4 a.m. Who have a show at 1130 or 12 no audience, and then tell them it's a great festival. Yeah, that's true. It's going really well. We had three, four in on Wednesday, and that's midweek. Good numbers on a Wednesday. Good numbers on a Wednesday.

It's really good numbers on a Wednesday. 4,000 quid! That's the Edinburgh experience in a nutshell. If you ever want to go to Edinburgh, don't. Unless you're Jimmy Carr or what's it, Russell? One of the Russell comedians. Don't point at me and say Russell.

You're not going to do well. I'm a bitter old man. I'm never doing Edinburgh again. Well, I think you will. Yeah, probably. August. Not this August. I was thinking about doing a cheap show in Edinburgh though, next year. Maybe we could arrange a sort of 9am sort of slot. Yeah! There must be a point where it's so early the people from the night before will come.

We need to do a show at the end of SPANC. You know when they do SPANC at Edinburgh? We need to be the post-show fallout. Post-SPANC. Post-SPANC. We're just working out our show, by the way. That's all we're doing. Did you have some kind of schedule of stuff we were going to do? Because I'm flagging. I didn't bring my watch.

I just feel like I'm sanding his sweating toxins out. Yeah, because you were DJing last night, were you? Yes. At the Discount Suit Club? Company. Company? Yes. How the Discount Suit Club? Company. Company? Yes. How'd it go?

Nothing happened. I've not spoken to him since last night, so how are you doing, mate? Nothing happened. I drank some booze. No tails from the dance floor? No. It was no dance floor. Well, make it up. You were DJing. All right, there was some art. Something did happen. Stop the press!

How? I'm going to enjoy this. Okay, how awful is this, right? Yeah. A lady was in there by herself. That's awful. Get her out. Shut up.

Don't interrupt me. Right. And she had a drink. Yeah. And she... Come pretty close to me. I don't know why. Ash is there.

Talk to Ash. This is nice. The way you say it, it's the way you say yeah, it makes it sound like what know why Ash is there. Talk to Ash. This is nice. The way you say yeah, it makes it sound like what I'm saying is boring. Yeah. No, it's because of your commentary. Alright. Yeah. Right, okay. So

she had a drink and Ash is on his own. It's fine. She had a drink. You were DJing. She left a tip. It's a great story. And the bar manager saw her leaving a tip. They've got these little saucers that they have down there. Yeah, and Then he saw her leaving it then he went past and he came back past and thought I'll pick that tip up Yeah, not tip. No tip there

Not tip there This is exciting what happens next? There was beer bottle there. A? A beer bottle. A beer bottle in the tips tray? Yeah, with no tip. Oh! And it's the lads. The lads? Who were drinking beer, stole the tip. Someone thought that you got paid to put your bottle on a thing.

I mean, come on. Now there's like, you know, 50 quid hanging out a cash point. Fucking have it. Yeah. But look,aling money from hard working service industry workers Fucking that's just so low isn't it And they're all suits

They spent 150 quid on drinks They've just worked in the city Liverpool Street They're scum Utter scum Stealing money. Vote Labour. I'm turning this political.

Vote Labour. Because if we keep the Tories in, you're going to keep having that. The rich get richer. The mean get meaner. The poor get out and onto the streets. NHS cuts. Police cuts. Security cuts. I wasn't trying to make a political point.

Why? Because Mr Fat Cat in his ivory tower is sitting there going oh I'm doing alright with Theresa May destroy the United States no kingdom

same difference and then you've got Donald Trump with his tiny hands and his wife who looks like a Cluedo card coming over

and being all offensive and rude and ignorant writing lols in the bloody Hebrew book of prayer right anyway that's a white thing you had a schedule for today yeah what? and rude and ignorant, writing lols in the bloody Hebrew book of prayer. Right, anyway, that's my point. You had a schedule for today, yeah?

This is not teacher anymore, this is Paul's rally. Paul, what does... Can we go back a bit? What does Trump's wife look like? It was a good... Like a Cluedo card. Oh, a Cluedo card. You know when the card is like long neck and a tiny little head at the top and it says Miss Scarlet? Yeah, I would drop that bit. You know, if you're going to work on that as a sort of...

Because it's a reference that no one's getting. Now he's getting violent! Listen! Have I denoted? Fucking intimidate me! I was going to politely say... I was going to politely say... Let's do Price is Shy.

It's 11.30 in the morning. Yeah, it's not 11.30 anymore because you've been ranting for a good five minutes. The worst thing about this is everyone's having a good time. We've got a nice little turnout. These mics aren't picking up the laughter. It's going to sound like bloody... It's going to sound like there are only ten or so people here. Yeah.

Thank you. That's a good double laugh. I've got a plan. After three, everyone do a fake laugh, and I'll cut it into the show like a laugh track. All right? Fake laugh? I've got a plan. After three, everyone do a fake laugh and I'll cut it into the show like a laugh track. Alright. That's kind of scary. Weird. Now we need a... Ready? One, two, three.

Yeah. What else do audiences need for a laugh track? That's it. I know, I know. A gasp. A gasp of astonishment. Okay. You can rehearse it, but you do it after three, yeah?

After three, gasp like... You've just been told how much it costs to get into MCM this year. Like, I've just taken out my Johnson, yeah? Yeah. And it's surprisingly large. I thought you said, I've just taken out Al Jolson. I've seen the old hall. How about that?

I've seen the old hall. The only reason you mentioned his name was because I told you he voiced Winston last night. So? No, that's all right. I'm allowed to mention stuff that other people have mentioned to me. That's what Donald Trump does, isn't he?

He's very good with words, apparently. Why did you mention Donald Trump again? Because he mentioned Trump. Yeah, but you've got to get him going. You've seen what happens. On the basis, actually, of cheap show and cheap things, cheap apps, I've got a great app which is absolutely apropos for this show.

It's called Pocket Sitcom, and it's an app that lets you have such things as a laugh track. Like, Eli, tell us a joke. Oh, I woke up this morning, and there was a half a kebab on the floor and I closed the box and I thought, that's better. That sounds like a dead... That was a short one. That sounds like the soul of a man departing.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because things. He gave himself a bigger laugh. Yeah, he gave himself, because of things. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because of things. Are you being touchy? Are you being touchy?

Are we getting... Again, ghostly. It's all scary. They're all scary. One of those sound like Alien, didn't it? You get music on this. You could turn this into a 90s sitcom. I don't think you should. Hey, everybody, it's Chandler.

And it's free you say What are you doing? There you go Oh and Eli's here everybody Sexy Eli I'm in now I'm back on board. There you go. Can I have one? So is it time for the Price is Right?

Do I have one? What do you want? No, it's not what do I want. No, that's not it. You haven't even heard it yet. You haven't heard it. It's time for Ash! Oh, it's everyone I've ever loved.

Bumtish. Shall we do something now? It got better when you did Eli's song. This is great, though. For a free app, you can have your own dark depression simulator. free app you could have your own dark depression simulator. That's a bit too apropos for today. What does that signify? It's empty? There's no one there? Don't, stop kicking me.

Stop kicking me. Thousands of downloads, you say? Yeah, this is the thing. We've got our own app now. We've got our own Eli Silverman app, which you can get on the IOI store. Have you seen this, Ash? Is it your... Hello.

Is this... It's a soundboard, is it? Have you not seen this? What? Is it your... Hello. Is this... It's a soundboard, is it? Yeah, have you not seen this? What do we want Eli to say? I'm basically just on the verge of being a dwarf. Can we hear that? No. He's just on the verge of being a dwarf.

Hang on, here we go. It's time for... It's the fucking price of shite. Yeah, don't get me back. It's too quiet. Your phone is shit. This could be donkey dick meat. This could be donkey dick meat. It's got all his catchphrases on it.

Right, okay. Right, it's 12 o'clock. Let's do the show. Yeah, let's do the show. What's first up on the show, Paul? Price of Shite. Oh, go get it then. Ready? It's...

The fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. The fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. And that's right. We should rehearse that. Mate, you are so bad at stuff. I liked it when you had to point at them to remind them to applaud.

It should be natural. So, Paul, all of this stuff that I've got today is... Shit. Yeah, it is shit, yeah. But it's stuff that we've all seen before. So, I mean, where's the competition? Everyone knows. You have sold this.

It's the great thing about our show. We have no ego because it's impossible for us to have one. Mix it up. Just mix it up. Make up some lies. People won't know. I'll throw these sunglasses in. No, you're not going to give your sunglasses away.

Otherwise you'll lose your... I'm not giving them away. People will guess the price of them. Couldn't give them away, some people said. Yeah, they're shit. Thank you. We have four episodes of this show to record today, don't we? This being the first. We're going to have a great day recording Sheep Show. Oh today, don't we? This being the first. We're going to have a great day of recording Sheep Show.

Oh, why don't we? And for people who care and have been asking, who are listening, yes, we are bringing back Don't Get Mad for our 50th episode special. Does anyone remember that? One night you say, I'll shit my bed! I'll shit it!

People who are walking past, minding their own business, looking to get their anime signed, probably quite rightly wonder what all this is about. On Sundays, I often think the same thing. Who's going to play the prize of sight, Paul? You versus Ash?

I've not seen these. I know them. So Ash versus the audience. Okay, yeah, let's do that. So Ash, you'll give a price, and they'll say if it's higher or lower. You'll say if Ash is right or if the audience is right, yeah? So if he says 50p and they say higher but it's 20p, Ash wins. Yeah?

And we'll do item by item. Stop getting upset when I explain rules of things to shows. That wasn't as succinct as I could have gotten it. I would say that I don't think anyone has just strolled in here and doesn't know. I don't think anyone's come into the podcast for the first time at this moment. I reckon they know the rules.

I'm not... We change the rules on a show-by-show basis. Phil, can we do it like the way we do in the order from cheapest to most expensive? No. We'll just do item by item, Ash versus the audience. It's going to be a lot of editing of this, isn't there? Like Ash versus the Evil Dead,

but... But not. Right, so what's your first item? We've got groaners. These are our fans. Now they're groaning. I know! They're groaning at you. But they know what to expect, so what's your first item? We've got groaners. These are our fans. Now they're groaning. I know. They're groaning at you. But they know what to expect, so it's ultimately on them. To be fair, he was being a zombie as well. All right.

Are you ready? Yes. What's your first item? First up now. Warning you. Warning. I've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven items. Oh, good.

That all fell out half an hour. Wicked. Seven items. One of these items is what I like to call Eli's mystery jackpot item. Oh. And what I mean by that is it's a trick. Oh. Because it was free.

Oh. It was a gift. It was no price. Can I just say you're really great... Paul, can you turn your phone off before we... I'm watching YouTube. I've skipped... It's the adverts.

Because you get a free app and you have to accept you're going to get adverts. Okay. For games you're never going to play. Right. So you've got a nice mystery item that you've bigged up and then thought everyone was free, so ultimately that is now worthless. So, great, next. That's it. It's my special jackpot item. Okay, is that the first item?

Right. If you can guess that, though, you get an extra point, yeah? And I've got an app, which is a quiz show host app, which turns your phone into quiz show. So, if the audience get it right, they get a... Oh. quiz show. So, if the audience get it right, they get a... And if Ash gets it right, he gets a... Did you press the big red button? No, that's really impressive. Oh yeah, I could have pressed the big red

button as well. Man, they should put that on... Alright. Okay. I am your automatic lover. Oh, okay. On stage, you say? See, now the audience is telling us to get on with it.

Right, go! I know! Go, go, go, go, go. Right, my first item on the Prize for Shite today. This is a lovely item. Is it a quality item? It's an absolute quality item. It is this little toy

street sweeper. It's very good. Lovely level of detail. The brushes open and close there. The little cab, you can get in there, you can open the door on the cab. They love it, they love it! And at the back it has the rubbish. Oh, that is nice. It's got that there, it's got lots of moving parts, lovely little tube.

Thank you. Am I allowed to hold it? You're allowed to look at that. I know, that gives me an unfair advantage on the audience. Oh no, I like... Is it wind up? It's not Lego, no. No.

Is it pull and go? It's just a plastic car. I mean, it's pull. It's pull, but then it don't go. Yeah. It feels like it should be. It's a quality item. So Ash, what's your guess? I'm going to... I'd say this was... Did you vote specifically for the price of Shire? Yes. So I'm going to say 75 pence. 75 pence.

Audience, is it going to be higher or lower? Higher. Higher? Higher. Eli, is it higher or lower? Why don't I just say the price and then... Oh yeah, they said higher. They're right. It was £1.25. One point to the audience. Nothing to Ash. Now, this is an interesting item. Really? Yes.

All right, okay. It's this strange block of plastic in its own frame. Look at that. And it has a name. Ice frame clear. What? You brought in a plastic box. Perhaps it's one of those fidget things, but, you know, just less advanced and fun.

You could kill someone with that. It looks like... May I hold it? You may. It looks heavy, May I hold it? You may. It looks heavy, doesn't it? It's got some girth and some weight. It looks like, you know, in the Trocadero in London, they do these and they've got a picture of your portrait inside it.

Yeah. It looks like someone just forgot to do that. That's exactly what I thought it was, Ash, when I saw it there. But no, I think it's meant to be like that. Oh, I know what it is. It's for a family where a loved one is no longer around, and they say

there's the family portrait. Good. The audience is a tough crowd today in here, isn't it? This is the future of photo albums. Is it? The memory cube. We never,

because the technology wasn't there to see my dad in one of these, so I bought an empty one and I just look in there and remember. You project, yeah. In my one,

there's a picture of Eli. Well, it could be some kind of data, data container from a spaceship or something, couldn't it? From a sci-fi movie, yeah. Yeah. You go, put the data cube in the frame, data container from a spaceship or something, couldn't it? From a sci-fi movie, yeah.

You go, put the data cube in the frame, Mrs. Wendell. Mrs. Wendell? That's my assistant. She's called Mrs. Wendell. On a spaceship in the future, you have someone called Mrs. Wendell. She's a robot. She's very good. It's fine. She is very good.

Yeah. No one fucking groaned at that, did they, Paul? They loved that. Good, good, strong. Right. So put the data cube in the ice frame. Right. Wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly. You have two super creds.

I thought you were going to say, you have two new messages. So, I honestly, you have no new memories. I don't know what the purpose of this could possibly be. I don't get it. I mean... It's made by a company called Umbra. There's a barcode on the bottom.

And there is a barcode. It's made in China, and it says ice frame. Ice frame. Why is that an ice frame? Where's the ice? I mean, come on. Right, so, Ash.

What? Has anyone got any idea what it might be? It's exactly what it is. It's exactly what it is. So, it's basically a photo frame. Yeah, you put the photos in there. That's exactly it. The word frame should have sort of sparked it off for me. Well, I put the photos in there. That's exactly it. The word frame should have sort of sparked the watch for me.

Well, I'm glad we've solved that mystery. Thank you. It's a photo frame, everyone. I would gladly pay £1.50 for that. Wait, how much is it worth? Ash! I missed too long. That app is shit.

How much is it? It was free. £1.50. £1.50. Right, so, audience, is the stupid block of memories lower or higher than Ash's guest? Lower.

Ooh, lower. Lower. Lower. Is that your final answer, audience as a whole? Lower. Well, you're wrong. It was two pounds. Two pounds.

Two pounds, Ash. You win. What, you're saying I got ripped off? That is worth two pounds. Now we know what it does. Hopefully the Patreon will cover that. After this show I don't know

Right, let's move on to a fun Oh, fuck you Honestly If you're not betting it out, I'll have to get that out later on What? Okay, let's move on to a fun item Everybody It's my funny worm

Yay Oh, how pathetic that our show gets a cheer from the phrase, Eli's funny worm. It's my funny worm. Great, there's a Taylor Swift concert starting next door. Guys, I mean really, guys. This is the last time we're doing this, Paul. Honestly. Well, that sounds fun.

We'd have less noise pollution in a fucking KFC or something. Cheap show live from KFC. I mean, honestly, what, are they screening fucking Rage of the Lost Ark in there or something? Maybe.

They're about to give a Prize of Britain award to someone who lost a leg. I think it gives the show an extra gravitas. I like it. Well, it makes Eli's funny worm more epic. Thank you. Inspirational. Shall we just carry on? Yeah.

Right. It's my funny worm. I didn't bring the box, but this was in the box, so that might affect the price. When I bought it, it was in the original box, everybody, okay? The funny worm. I didn't bring the box, but this was in the box, so that might affect the price. When I bought it, it was in the original box, everybody, okay? The funny worm. Its eyes light up when you put a battery in, and it slings about. It said slung on the box because it was foreign, but... Are you slinging your little worm around? Yes. So, we'd really like a guess of the price of my funny worm. Right, it's got to be more.

It's got to be £2.50. Don't try and read my face. It's £2.50. £2.50. Okay, that's the guested price from our guest. Higher or lower, ladies and gentlemen, for Eli's funny worm? Okay, that's the guested price from our guest. So, and...

Higher or lower, ladies and gentlemen, for Eli's 21. I don't know. Someone said, I don't know. Not even prepared to join in. We know you don't know. We know you don't know. At this point, an audience of... You tell when they've given up, when they went, I don't fucking know. Oh, fuck it.

Whatever. How long? 15 minutes. I don't know. And the thing is, our other guest, Tom Bell, has just arrived. Imagine the price is right, the show, and Bruce Forsyth went, and what do you think, higher or lower? And the guy, I don't know. What is this, a quiz?

So, higher or lower than, what did you say, 250? 250. They're saying lower, Eli, what are you saying? It was two pounds. So, you're right. 2-1 to the audience. You're getting smashed down. I mean, it's worth 250.

Yeah, I would have paid £250 for it. You know what, Ash? I would have probably paid £3 for it. I think we're going to clean up our act. Oh, so... Got to stop with the swearing, then. That's fine. Right, so Cheap Show

loses its edge when young children turn up to the show about old men going through a charity shop. It's the blinking price of stuff. It's the blinking place of stuff. Oh, it's the blinking price of stuff. Oh, it's the blinking price of some stuff. And that's some stuff. I want to say, I think this will improve things because you won't be able to be mean to Eli anymore.

I can still be flipping means Eli. Anyway. Yeah, I said flipping. Let's do this. Right. So remember, everyone, we've still got Eli's mystery jackpot item to come. So if you think at any stage

that this item was given to me as a gift by someone returning from Lithuania, then please do pipe up and say, I'm ready, I'm ready. Now, I feel like they're creepy, they're creepy sound effects. This, we have a very attractive, very attractive, retro style bouncy rubber ball. And look, it's got marbling on it. And it's all like nice marbling,

like the inside of an antique book or something. Yeah. Good bounce. It's all right. It's all right. Absolutely had enough. The guy who said, I don't know, gone. He's going to go see Willow or whatever, isn't he?

Yeah, he is. Yeah. Dwarf fan. I'm almost a dwarf. Ready? This is dangerous. Oh bearing in mind I couldn't see it, it would have been the greatest catch I'd ever done. That was pretty good, it's not too bad. I mean, it's not worth two pounds, though, is it? No. So what was the price? And this featured on a previous episode, our car boot special. We went out on location.

Can I go ten pence? Ten pence. Ten pence. Higher than ten pence? Higher than ten pence? Remember, it could be the jackpot mystery item that was free. No? You're going to say higher, yeah? Sorry, what was that?

50p did you say? You're absolutely right! It was 50p! It's not official till I press the button. Can I still get back in if I have to get the next two right, don't I? You have to get... Now, what is it? 3-1? It's 3-1 to the audience. 3-1.

That's the most exercise I've ever seen him do. Oh, shut up. You know what? I'll race you. Children. I'll race you. Around the set? Not now. I need to prepare. No, I'm not you. Children. I'll race you. Around the set? Not now.

I need to prepare. No, I'm not doing it now. Press-ups. Press-ups. No, I'm not doing it. Look, I know in my heart that I'm fitter than you. Paul's just doing press-ups. I know. He can't even do one you. Paul's just doing press-ups. I know.

He can't even do one. He can't do one press-up. Something was thrown at him. I've done 40. Right. 40. So. Right.

You're lagging behind. Mate, I'm nearly 40. I need to get the next two. You're dying there I'm nearly 40. I need to get the next two. You're dying there Paul. Right, the next item. Yeah. My sunglasses. Oh.

Picked up in a charity shop. And they are kind of an 80s aviator cross, aren't they? They're very sexy. Stand up so the camera can see you. And then the... Oh, no. Weirdly, you're too big for the camera. That's never happened before. There he is.

Oh, look at that. What you need is some sexy music. Here we go. What you need is some sexy music. Here we go. Yeah. Okay, so. How much?

Yeah, just start with that. That's just an energy. That is very true Cowboys do not wear sunglasses No they don't Or underpants Is it because they weren't invented? I think they were They weren't invented

I think they had sunglasses back in the 1800s Late 1800s No they didn't Okay Google The invention of sunglasses in the 1800s, late 1800s. No, they didn't. Okay, Google. The invention of sunglasses. Inventions frequently mentioned on the web include lens, glasses, and bifocals. This is no use.

Just ask it in clear... Okay, Google. When were sunglasses invented? I'll do it! It recognises my voice, not yours. Okay, Google. When were sunglasses invented? I'll do it! It recognises my voice, not yours. Okay, Google. You're in the top search list. No.

You put the phone down after this, yeah? Okay, Google. Who invented sunglasses? Who? No one cares who. The argument is when. Richard Sunglasses. Inexpensive, mass-produced sunglasses made from celluloid

were first produced by Sam Foster in 1929. Boom! You total prick! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You total... James Ayresborough began experimenting with tinted spectacles as late as the 17th century, 1752. It's the price of stuff.

So, Paul, they were popular before 1920, but only mass-marketed in 1920 onwards by Sam Foster. We're both right. We're kind of both right. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, mate. Thank you. You may both be right, but you lost a moral victory there. I think we've lost everything.

We've lost any form. Someone's getting their bum rearranged over there. Rhino Man. Is that right? I don't know. He says it is Rhino Man. He's nodding. No, he's shaking his head.

We cannot have a conversation with a man at the back of the room in a suit of armour at this stage. Well, Ash, you could move the show forward by simply giving me an estimation of the price I paid for these sunglasses. They are worth £3.15. £3.15. What do we think? Audience, higher or lower? You're right, they were £2. Is there any point continuing this competition? Yes! Is there any point continuing? We've got two items left.

We've got two items left. Hello! It's Tom Bell! It's Tom Bell! You've got to join us, Tom. Yeah, Tom, we've only got ten minutes left, but, mate, literally, how you doing, mate? Right. So... We've only got ten minutes left, but, Maze, like, literally, how you doing, mate? Right, so...

Hello, I was... I couldn't find this place. No, and it's even more complicated on a day like this with extra security and it being 11.30 in the morning! Anyway... Thanks very much. Paul's advice was turn left at the Harley Quinn costume so I've been going around in circles So we've got two items Tom, just to kick you up to speed we're in the middle of a nail biting competition

where people guess the price of my stuff Yes Which I have lost this competition at this time. So you can... Hi, I'm Ash.

Nice to meet you, Tom. Tom, you could... No. No. Oh, no. No. Right. Today's show,

I'm simply here for sound effects. Yeah, you're not doing very well, are you? Wow, I don't envy you the edit on this one. Sheesh. I brought... No, you. I don't like you no more. I brought this along to play.

We're going to play the Britain's Got Talent board game. For the listeners at home, Paul has got a red buzzer. It's something else that makes a noise, is it, Paul? Yeah. And you've got to do talent things and stuff. What's your act going to be, Eli? You've got your own mic. I'm going to do some jokes and then I do a bit of juggling.

Do some jokes then. Okay, so I woke up today and I looked at... I looked at a... Keep going, Eli. Okay, so I woke up today and there were some discarded kebab wrappers in my room. So I thought, oh God, I hate myself. And it smelled bad. It doesn't work.

Here we go. Anyone? I think that material is like... and it smelled bad. It doesn't work. There we go. Anyone? I think that material slipped. Anyway, so, we have two items remaining. I'm sending you to boot camp for whatever it is. I'm up to speed on the show.

We have two items remaining. Okay, I'm here now. I'm here. I have purchased these items. One of them is the super jackpot item which was given to me free by a friend

returning from Lithuania. So free? I'm saying it's free. Well, you haven't seen which one it is yet. Oh, I see. Let's start with this. This is a beetle and it has been crudely encased. In a memory cube. In a memory cube. In one of those, yeah. So, very similar. Now, can you guess the price I paid? It's my impression of a sim. You're an idiot, you know that. I realise for a podcast recording for a small audience, visual gags aren't going to work, so...

So, Tom. Alright. There it is, it's my bug in plastic. How much did I pay for this? I mean... Too much. Or nothing. What do you think?

This hasn't come... Wait. This came from Lithuania? No. It could have. It's up to you to decide. Because that changes everything. I'm going to say... In Stirling... What do we think? No, no, they're against you. We're against you.

They're against you. They are the enemies. In that case, what do we think? Well, I would have said it was the free one, but I don't know. One of these is free. I've been wrong. You're going to go with that? And what do you guys think?

Yeah, everyone's right! It's the jackpot item! Woo! Woo! It's the free item. It's a bug. Anyone want that? Anyone want that?

Yeah, welcome to it. That little girl wants it because it's creepy It's got a bug in it, are you alright? It's powerful She's going to grow up with a lot of problems Okay The last item This is one of my personal favourites

This is one of my favourite items We've ever uncovered on this show In it's three year history This is something I'm really proud of Personally My favourite items. We've ever uncovered on this show, in its three-year history, and this is something I'm really proud of, personally. It's my red apple-style post-it note dispenser. Oh! Look at that.

Wow. Trouble is now, are we guessing whether it's more or less than nothing? No, we want the price. The price. Oh. So very quickly, that would, if you pushed a button, dispense. No, they go in there, look. The hours I've wasted self-dispensing post-it notes, Eli, had I but known, all you needed was one of them.

You know, it's quite interesting, because they are one of these paper items that has actually survived into the digital age, haven't they? They're still used. That is very true. There's no digi post-it note thing, is there? I mean, you've got memo, the memo on your phone. I mean, there are digital ones. There are. There are digital

ones, are there? I mean, I saw that, Paul, and it was incredible, by the way. But it hasn't... There you go. That's the best thing that's happened to us. It happened behind Eli's back, and it was beautiful. Listen, Paul, stop trying to pull focus, right? The whole show you've been trying

to pull focus, you shitty apps, and you stupid... Hey, hey, hey! All right, sorry. Bad words. Just look at the bug in the plastic Try and forget about it I guess £400

Higher We've all given up I'd go £2 He's exactly right £2 it was There was no relief in the room I thought I'd use it as well, but it turns out you need a special kind of post-it note.

What? Dispense-style post-it notes, which have got sticky at one, like a concertina, sticky at one end and the alternative ends. Does anyone even have those? Does anyone even know about those? Does anyone know where I can get those? It's useless.

So, if I had... For a bonus point, we're going to play Guess the Intro, right? What song is this? Bong. Is it the theme to the cricket? To what? To the grimpley. The cricket! The grimpley man! The cricket! No! Come on! You can't just say come on!

Bom ba da dum bom bom ba dum bom bom ba da dum bom bom ba da dum bom bom ba dum bom bom ba da dum bom. Nobody knows. Well, I'll stop. Paul, do you know? Does anybody know? Well, I'll stop. Paul, do you know? Does anybody know? Yes! It was the bangles walk like an Egyptian. Oh, right, yeah. What's the theme? We were all thinking TV shows, buddy. Well, obviously I'm not working out today, so... What is the theme of this?

Yeah. Fake walkout. He's doing a fake walkout. Oh, no, come back. How much have he got? 400 pounds. Should we wrap this up then, Paul? We're going to play a game.

One last game. Okay. We're going to play a game. It's going to be all right. Listen, if you've got celebrities to go and get things signed, or there's some fried chicken on a stick you can get out there. Don't let us keep you, because really... It looks like the next five minutes is going to be pretty flat.

And that's in comparison to what's gone before. This game is called Paul Bought Some DVDs. Does he like them or does he hate them? Yes or no? Okay. Right? It's a quickfire round. Here we go.

So I went to a charity shop and I bought some DVDs and I got the wrappers here because they want to bring the DVDs with me. It's really that simple a case because it's a big bag and I didn't have that much room. So the first one is this Basil Rathbone collection of Sherlock Holmes movies. Three movies from the silver screen on one disc, which means each film is about 40 to 55 minutes long. The films in question are Sherlock Holmes and the Secret Weapon. These are all modernised, set in the 40s during the Second World War. That Basil Rathbone's Terror by Night or Dressed to Kill. Dressed to Kill was a... Now, do I like this DVD? to kill was a... Now, do I like

this DVD? Paul, of course you like that DVD. Of course you do. You bought it. The answer is no, because I don't like Nigel Bruce's interpretation of Watson, which is a buffoon, and actually crippled the character

of Watson for many years to come, and actually gave the wrong impression of quite an intelligent and well-written character. So the answer there is no, I do not like this DVD that I spent a quid on. You dick. What? I said dimple. Next film, Freddy vs. Jason that I bought for 50p. Do I like Freddy vs. Jason? No. I'm going to say no. No? Because that interpretation of Jason really works down the character of Jason, who's actually quite an intelligent character in the books. Yeah, he was.

He initially was very well written. He was verbose. Of course I like Freddy vs. Jason. It's got killings in it. I am wrong. Yeah. Don't ask him about judging films on actually how good they are. This is a guy who dissed The Shining, the greatest film of all time.

I dissed The Shining! You did. You came home and you said, oh, that was a hard day at work. I'm just setting the scene. And you said, oh, I saw that Shining the other day. Do edit your story from him coming in from where there are children present. Okay, sorry. You said, oh, I saw that Shining the other day. It's a bit overrated. I didn't like it. It's terrible. I never said that! edit your story from him coming in from where there are children okay sorry yeah you said oh

i saw that shining the other day it's a bit overrated didn't like it i never said that you need to update your memory cube mate because that is not how this went down i simply said it didn't work for me i appreciate as a good film it doesn't hold any fright for me it's that simple it's not it's no freddie versus jason it's no f vs. Jason. It's no Freddy vs. Jason. Thank you, Tom. So, yes, I like it. Next one. DVD I bought for a quid. The goodies, at last.

Now I have to explain what the goodies is to a large portion of the audience. Imagine the mighty Boosh, but good. Well, that's giving us a clue there, isn't it? Tim Brook-Taylor, Bill Oddie and Graeme Gordon as three guys who will do anything, anywhere, anytime. And I guarantee you, it's not filth.

Yeah, he is one of them as a birdwatcher. And one of them is a doctor still. Bill Oddie's a birdwatcher. And I've got it on... Good authority. Thank you. That he's got very bad hygiene of the feet area. All that marshland.

Anyway, this DVD comes with the classic film Kitten Kong, where a giant kitten... That's the key episode. Yeah, that destroys BT Tower. I don't think I could watch it just thinking Bill Oddie's feet stink, you know? Goodies! Goodie, goodie, yum, yum. So what, we're going to guess whether you like the goodies, which you never shut up about.

Thank you. Do I like the goodies, yes or no? Yes. Is the correct answer, of course I like the goodies. Next one. One of the best and classic films of all time. Rick Mayall and Eddie... No, not Eddie. Ade Edmondson's classic film, Guesthouse Paradiso.

In many respects, the movie version of the sitcom, Bottom. Famous for a scene where a man explodes full of vomit. The Mirror calls it rude, crude and very funny and Rick Mayall's dead now do I like Guest House Parody spoiler alert for anybody who's been behind on the news there

I'm going to say no, you have a very poor poker face and your face sort of crinkles up in disgust when you pull out a film you don't like the look of. And Ash, what do you think? Well, you referred to it as one of the best films of all time in your introduction. Oh, did you? I must have said that.

Well, maybe I'm, you know, hanging a lantern on something. Oh, I'm definitely wrong. Yes. Well, this is Simon Pegg's best role as well as Fenella Fielding and Bill Nighy being in this film as well, and Vincent Cassell. Is Simon Pegg in it?

Yeah, he plays a person who gets his nipple caught on a fishhook and gets dragged to the ceiling. I can't recommend this film enough, but I do not like this film. Oh, what? It squanders the role of Bottom, and basically, you know, it has one good fight scene in it but ultimately it's wrong. Finally... Bottom of course has quite an intelligent role in the books.

It was well written. The book version of Bottom was very Pinteresque. Actually that's not too far, well, a good description of it. Finally, why have you given up now? Because we've stopped playing your little game. It's just tiring tiring isn't it? Right finally DVD number five sitcom Girls on Top. Again not a dirty movie. It is a sitcom like Young Ones but with women in and it stars Dawn Fred, Jennifer Saunders, Tracy Ullman and Ruby Wax and it's not... Do I like it? Girls on top.

Yes, you do like it. Yeah, pretty much actually. But basically it's a female version of the young one so if you're anti-Ghostbusters reboot you're not going to like this either. So, do I like Girls on Top? Sorry. This whole thing was just for this guy.

I'm sorry. We can all go home, folks. That was worth it. Do I like Girls on Top? Let's wrap this up, Paul, now. Do I? Do you like Girls on Top? I wish. I wish. Come on. Yes. Tom, do you think I like Girls on wish. Come on. Yes.

Tom, do you think I like girls on top? I think you enjoy the idea of it. But when it comes to the crunch, you'd rather get on with your bottom. Yes, I do believe I'm more of a bottom person than a girls on top person. Ultimately, end of the day. There you go. Was that a sort of...

I bet we're getting there. I found the level. You're a power bottom. Took you a few moments to dig Ultimately, end of the day. I bet that's what we're getting there. I found the level. Took you a few moments to dig down, but yeah, you got there. Ladies and gentlemen, I do like girls on top. Right, you're going to wrap it up now, Paul? I guess, yeah, to be honest. I'm starving. That feels like the natural conclusion.

It's not over until the fat app sings. Right. It's time to end the show. Yeah, we are. Well, some of us have been waiting for that phone call all all our lives and it's never going to happen is it Paul ladies and gentlemen that's been Cheap Joe at Comic Con this year thanks everybody yeah basically thanks thanks Paul, Ash, for coming.

Thank you, Tom Bell, for being here as well. Do you have any final thoughts? I just want to say, Paul, this is an excellent Padme outfit you're wearing. For the people at home listening on the podcast, I don't know, I thought I'd do a visual gag. If you're listening, they won't know what you're wearing. No, they won't know what I'm wearing.

So you could say I'm lovely ad dawned in a sexy Warhammer. Instead, you've come dressed as sort of... Giacomo model. A bad computer hacker, probably. Yeah, I have come as Matthew Lillard from the film Hackers. Yeah, there we go. I knew it was a costume. He's very good in Twin Peaks. No, thank you for coming. I'm sorry. I walked all the way around everywhere.

Well, you've seen the fest. You forgot to tell me which room you were in. I said Bronze Theatre, but it's very hard to describe. I'm not sure. Tom Bell, everyone! Thank you for coming out. We're going to be back in October, hopefully. Hopefully better than 11.30!

Admin. Yeah. We're going to be back in October, hopefully. Hopefully better than 11.30. Admin, yeah. You can listen to us on our website. You can get us on www.thecheapshow.co.uk. Follow us on Twitter. We're quite chatty, at thecheapshowpod. Email us, Gmail, that'll work. And if you're listening to us and you want to support this podcast, we have a Patreon now doing very well. You can get on there and donate anything from $1 to $50. Help support the show. Other than that, thank you're listening to us and you want to support this podcast, we have a Patreon now doing very well. You can get on there and donate anything for $1

to $50. Help support the show. Other than that, thank you very much to everyone. Thank you all for coming. Goodbye! you