CheapShow - Ep 453: A New River Runs Through It (Stereo)

Episode Date: September 12, 2025

(Stereo Edition) Summer is nearly over and Paul and Eli do not want to waste a single sunny day, so it’s time for another walkabout episode! This route, as chosen by Eli, is one they’ve been keen to do for a while and now it’s their chance to tackle the length of the New River. The New River is an artificial waterway that opened in 1613 to deliver water in towards London from Hertfordshire. There is no way in hell that the Cheap Chaps will be able to do ALL of it, as its around 20 miles, but they can do a fat chunk of the middle of it! So, join Paul & Eli as they pack up a few snacks and begin weaving their way through North London, arguing, laughing and pontification before throwing in the towel! How far do they get? Will Paul ever be correct in Eli’s eyes? Will the “self-heating” lunch work? Are jokes their forte? It’s all revealed in this epic 150 minute walkabout adventure. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-453-a-new-river-runs-through-it SEE US LIVE: Oct 18th @ The Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival 2.30pm, London https://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/festival/cheapshow---live-from-cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-18th-oct-2025-tickets Watch Our 450th Episode Celebration YouTube Live Stream! https://youtube.com/live/ErCEZo6V3AE?feature=share And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, Cheap Show folk. How you doing? It is another week of Ian I and I out and about on another walk and this is a walk that honestly if you ask between you and me because I haven't gone to Eli's place yet. But between you and me Eli's been very passionate about. It goes on and on about it because of John Rogers on YouTube and he wants to beat him to it. I personally don't give a fuck and on top of that not in the mood for this today but it's a sunny day the only other issue really as well as i don't even know where we're going eli just said oh the new river or something right we're we're too i'll figure it out so everything's in eliza control today or there's someone by that door let's see if he's in

Right, here we go. Pressing the buzzer. Pressing the buzzer. I'll be down in two minutes, okay? Okay, no, I'll wait here then, right? Oh, come on. Alright, I'm coming in then. Right, here we go.

Close the door. Close the door. I asked him to be ready to go as soon as I arrive. Two minutes. Useless. Useless. Up the stairs we go. Five minutes.

Five minutes. What? Nice combat. Thank you. Got them on Amazon for 15 quid. Why do you go? Well, because it's cheap. I think that you're going to be too hot.

No, these are nice and loose and baggy. No, they're nice. The shoes, because I don't know what the terrain's going to be like. Hang on. Right, so... I can finish making ice coffee. Okay. Eli's making ice coffee.

That's nice. Yeah? Say hello. Hello. Fuck sake. Dear. Well, anyway, where we go? Just quickly, you tell where we're going to today?

We're going to do the new river. Did you notice, John Rogers' video? about what wasn't the new river so we have officially won let's see what happens we get to Friday when this is released case he slipped another one out he won't slip it out all right he always posts on so then we win yes unless I decide to hold this episode back for two weeks well that would be self-defeating yeah right in that case everyone hello we're doing a walk today welcome to cheap show uh uh-huh Hello, it's a Cheap Show, we're walking about as we like to every now and then, Eli, tell us more.

Well, I've been wanting to do this walk on Cheap Show for a long, long time, Paul. It's the new river. which runs through here. It was an artificial river built in the late. It's an aqueduct officially, built in the late 1700s. I've actually got the exact date if you fancy it. It's fine, I was gonna sprinkle in factoids

throughout the day, but yes. It was built in 1613 by Hugh Middleton. Oh, I was 100 years out. Completely, oh, well actually completed in 1613, to be fair. Hugh Middleton, and we'll be crossing Middleton Road, which the river, obviously crosses as well later on Paul so look out for that it's a big road actually it still provides a significant amount of London's water for even today a 45 kilometre or 28 mile

public footpath the new river path follows its course offering a unique way to experience part of the city connecting to open countryside that's right but we will be starting from near where I live in Harringate so we're not starting the the the start of it in town is down in Clark &well by Sadler's Wells we won't be doing that we're not doing that our mission today If you choose to accept it, if you choose to accept. It's an impossible. There will be. There will be.

It's to go as far as possible during the hours of daylight. Or just see as far out of London as we can go. Can I ask? Shall we just do this by energy levels? Or should we set a clock and say by 8pm, 7pm, we draw a line? I think we should do it by two factors, Paul. Like you said, energy levels. Of course, we don't want to, you know, if we get exhausted, we just go home.

It's, you know, it's our... It's our walk. We'll do what we want. Right. This isn't politics. This is long-running comedy podcasting. So... The word comedy got stuck in your throat then I noticed.

I know. It does. A long-running comedy podcast. Well, sometimes it does get stuck in my throat. Oh man, I had the worst dream, the most horrific. I don't even think I can say it. I had a dream that my partner was standing over me and I thought it was real.

And she was standing over me and she started, like, putting a pillow over my face and stuff. To kill you, that's nightmare. But, like, when I looked up at her, her silhouette was perfect against the wall of the bedroom. But her eyes had, like, a little yellow, like, red yellow glint to it.

Like a cat's eye kind of thing. Is that what made you think I'm dreaming? Do you see what I mean? Was that the detail that brought you out of it? No, because at the moment, it generally felt weird because I remember asking her, are you all right? Have you had a bad dream or something? I had a dream about two gay men,

and then they started going at it, and they were going at it in the most, horrific poo they were like putting their assholes together and then shitting like and then they were like at the end of the dream just before I woke up they're like both of these men lying down in the bath yeah and they're just spunk coming from somewhere just but they're just they're not even enjoying it they've just got these kind of yeah go on just pause the story while a young family passing they're just in this bath and the bath is like full of detritus like

old syringes that kind of thing just stuff like floating around and they're just like there, motionless faces as just joyless sort of... Arks have come. Just sort of keep landing and then I woke up. This passionate swashes of cum. You know what I don't mean? It was like horrible? Mate, my next question though, was it a sticky dream? No. Did you wake up all sticky and confused?

It was these days... I would have. I dream much more just... But I wouldn't have been confused. If I've had enough sleep already, do you find that? It's when you go back to sleep after having quite a long sleep. That's when the dream hits. So it was one of those.

Quite vivid. Anyway, I don't know why I brought that up. It was just so disturbing. There's two... Imagine two... assholes like from below and then big turds come out like and they're like enjoying it like mixing their turd like touching fingers like et yeah yeah no side by side like two tubes coming down like a factory process so the assholes are like a figure of eight yeah do you get it like yeah

and then like they're meeting like that was part of their sex act like it come together like a mclean's toothpaste yeah two and one protection for you that's exactly what it's like man anyway sorry this is about yon things stop pushing me into the fucking grass now Paul, let me have a few words with them. What's going on? So we're going to go as far. Do you agree to those... So Paul, do you agree to those measures?

We'll go as far as we can until we get too exhausted or we lose the light. Yeah, I think that's fine. We're aiming to film a bit of this with the 360, but no promises, because sometimes I find it a fucking burden, frankly. Oh, mate. Where are we?

Look back at the Salisbury pub. Doesn't it, isn't that great? The roof, you can really see the roof. The ornate roof. It's gorgeous. But you can't sit up there. because it's all aerials and shit for tellies and stuff. Right at the top, no.

But it's great that ironwork, that survives, that ironwork thing up there, isn't it? So anyway, basically we're doing this episode this week because Eli wants to get one over on John Rogers. And so we're doing this walk. Explain to them in more detail what that means. John Rogers is a YouTube personality who filmed himself going for walks.

Across London. By and large. There's a man in there's a man in there. the background grinding his pipe they love to grind around here especially early in the morning it's a grinding kind of area yeah oh there's a bluey back back and a and a what's the magna doodle type thing i mean it's a little pack for people it's a bluey bag i'm taking it but it might not be yours to take they might have just hung it there because the kids like it no no no well then why are you going to carry around that all day you're

making us look like a bunch of child catchers it's a good nice Well, if it's still there, but it's later, you can come and get it then. You're right. I don't want to be hangering it around. No, I don't want that. So, where is our first... Oh, God, is that what it's in there? What? A little... Rocks? Oh, good. It's not like full of scat or anything. Is that what you put in arboreum? No, I just saw a big jar full of brown stuff and I was like, oh, I don't...

I don't want that. I'm talking about photos all day long. All right, Eli's. Right. So, our first set piece of this episode, Eli, finds a mysterious jar that used to contain rocks. We've still got rocks, isn't? Terrarium. Yeah. Like an aquarium, terrarium. But aren't terrariums meant to be, like, sealed forever hermetically and they have a ecosystem all of their own?

No, terrarium just means somewhere where you put soil, a box of soil, like an aquarium. Fair enough. Like the earth, here we are, Paul. I just remember some guy doing one on YouTube but he said, I'm never going to open this again. It's going to be sealed. It's a time capsule. No, because it was a glass thing with flowers and moss and rocks and things

and he said, I'll seal it and it'll probably be closed long after I'm dead. Something like that, he said. What was he doing? I don't know. I don't like it. Look where we are. Harangay Passage. Are we going up this?

For one or two, yeah. All right, so this is that big passage. We've done this before in the podcast though, right? That's what I mentioned. Was it a Patreon pod, did it on? I don't know. Yes, we walked the whole length of the passage, didn't we? the passage is a pathway between terrace houses here in harangay which used to be an open sewer

and has a stink pipe tower at one end but we'll be going up alison road let me just check we're going the right way we will join the new river so the rules for today as well paul where there is access to the river bank we walk along the river bank otherwise where it gets culverted or or closed off we have to go along the roads so we'll have to do some navigation as well okay yeah i think that's fine this is all fine oh i don't i don't approve of that decision well they used uh you know one of those things that blocks the heat from coming in your cars like a reflective thing but they've obviously put the uh family who live or own the van as their image and uh i think i could have seen flat more flattering images of people i mean i don't know right

Eli's checking city maper. My name's not Alison, mate. It's been coming along here. This is the new river here. We're there. Do you see? Allison, and you can see we can join it right there. We're going in the wrong direction though, right?

No. All right, so, okay, you can join us a little bit later then when we, I think we're going to, we'll touch down on the new river itself and we'll stop. When we'll be even about five minutes time walking, Paul, we'll come back when we actually join the river bank, yeah? We will join the river bank and get back. back in touch with you and keep you up to date on this most thrilling of walks yet i don't buy that this is kind of a weird one for me because i don't know what's going on or where we're going

or where it ends we're pushing on to go as far north on the new river as we can in one day that's the mission fine and also we have got a special snack that has been sent to us which we can hopefully have along the banks of the new river at some point later on right that's right special snack special snack time fun snack time so this is a allison road now this is alison road we're going up Right, let's go off. We're leaving Haringay Passage and we're walking up Haringay Road. Right, we're going right up, Palisans Passage. All right, here we go.

See in a bit. This is hopefully the worst hill we have to do all day. Oh yeah, this is the fucking nightmare. Right, so here we are. Thames Water is circling the drain. Let's pull the plug. Takebackwater. Oh.

Nice. Here we go. So here we are. Where are we? See, there's the logo in our New River. We're on the New River Park. Oh, the New River, neither new nor a river. See that, what an opening gambit statement. Well, it's not, is it?

No, but why call it that the first place? It was new when they built it. It's an aqueduct built from 1609 to 1613 from near where in Islington to bring fresh water. No, no, from near where to... That's what I said? No, not in Islington. From near where to Islington? To...

Can't let me read it. Can you read it? Hartfordshire to the city today's ten water is in Islington from where to Islington from near where you missed out the near there okay near is less you put where in Islington who's on first no who's on second where oh I've just got to wait for the dog waste oh that's right now by the dog waste bin don't like it I'll continue to bring fresh water from Hartfordshire where where is where where where where where where where where where where Edwa woo wah where Hartfordshire to

Hartford Springs to the city. Today, Thames Water still uses the new river as a source for London drinking water, as well as providing a new 25 mile long-distance footpath, which we'll be following part of. The new river path follows wherever possible, the historic water channel. See, that's why it's going to make it easy for us. We just get the new river... I've got like detailed maps of all the new river path bits, so we just stick to it. But basically, we... We, they give,

Thameswater gives us permission to walk along. Oh yeah, they allow us. Yes. It's like, there you go. Their grace, they allow us. They're one of the evilest, most shit companies in all of all time. But anyway, there we go. Well, look, yeah, because it goes all the way to Chadwell.

Yeah. So where do you think we'll get to today? We're in the Hornsey section. You can see we're still at the first section. I would like to get past Enfield. And look, there's these little loops, you see. Yeah. where it loops...

People get to Waltham Abbey. I'd like to get as far as Waltham Abbey. Chesson's. Chesson would be... I can't stand there. The dog ship's way too overpowering. It's just too much. Let me just get a quick picture of the map.

Right, okay. It's just getting as far as we can. Chesham would be a real achievement, I think. Also, it'd be easier to get home from there because of the great big station that we can get back into the centre of town from Chesson. Yes, that's right. But there'll be access to transport at all,

wherever we give up. I guess. Let's not talk about that now because we're right at the beginning still, mate, okay? Yeah, but I'm thinking about the end already, aren't I? Oh, I was here once. You see, this sort of steepness here. I was here when it was like a cold snap and it was frozen, and I literally was like, ooh! I so almost fell on my ass. Can you imagine? You didn't Frank Spencer. I literally was like, I'm going to have to use my skiing skills, and I kind of turned into the hill and was like that.

But there was no stopping. There was no stopping me, you know what I mean? Ain't no stopping him now. He's on the move. Right, no swimming. This is where it comes out and merges after being culverted. No swimming, no boat, no fishing, no cycling, no dog filing. No barbecue. No dog filing.

That's what you said. Oh, right. No, I do dog filing. Yeah, do you? Chihuahua, Cicchu, SSS. There you go. Rockweiler, under R. No fires.

God, it stinks. Everything stinks. It's the water that stinks. It's a stagnant. It's like dog. Slop. That's a real good. That was a bad smell, yeah?

Back then, it's all right. That was very close to do with a bomb then. I know. Yeah. Do you want to count bridges? Oh, God, no. This, we're not, we can't because we're not at the very beginning of the walk. Oh, look, there's some wildlife already, look, lovely.

Oh, what's that? Heron. Is he selling drugs? Because it would be a heron dealer. Heron dealer. dealer get your pros like heron in your nose yeah a nice bit of bit of wildlife so here's the first little stretch of riverside well we just did so there's one that's more than we usually get yeah it's just usually dogs yeah this is a great little stretch of the new river here is yeah take a picture

of all that water going up that way because i have got my hand on the recorder and i'm panicking that if i take my phone out i'll drop it in the river beautiful but you can see it comes out of the culvert there it rises there it becomes shit water or salmon but they must have to treat it don't they and I think we'll walk past part of the treatment centres because they

they use it for drinking water has to get treated doesn't it? Of course it does because by time it gets to your tap it's been through a couple of ducks arses and herons beaks and fucking goose and bird droppings and all sorts that have been dropped into it and people throwing condoms in

or they're wanking into it or pissing. People having anal sex and then throwing the carers in. Oh, God, I don't know. Don't stop. Or joint scat. What? The homosexual men in my dream. They were floating in sort of a, it was almost like a dirty river

that their bath was like because it was all the detritus, yeah. Does this mean at the end of this walk we're going to have to put our bums together and shit? I love this feature. You see that chimney stack there. That was because it was an old factory or something. You can see the front of it there with the arch.

Do you see? So what do you think they made then? If the chimney was so far away from the factory, it was probably something toxic. Yeah, probably, yeah. As a thought. But it would have been... There was industry used to be on this river, you know, after it was built. But I don't know why it wasn't called a canal.

It's weird that it's called a new river, aqueduct. I don't know. What is the difference between a canal and an aqueduct? I looked at this up last night, nothing. A canal is any artificial waterway? Yeah, basically. It doesn't have to have locks, doesn't have to have, you know, it's just... Or a canal, obviously, can be a biological,

such as the ear canal. Yeah. Or, you know. Oh, yeah. The, uh, the wee-wee canal. Oh, yeah. The spunk canal. Spunk canal.

Spunk canal is this very, you know, essence, yes. Right, we'll have to continue our walk then. We'll see, we'll join you a little bit later on this route. All right. It's only been a few minutes. We've walked on the bank, but we're coming up to our first concealed part of the new river for us. So we're heading out onto... Actually, I don't know where we are. And the thing is I roughly know where we are but I couldn't give you street names or locations and I frankly won't at this point

he lies in charge today which is either great or a massive mistake to make a massive mistakeer to make how's it going where are we map man we just come to the end of the

this section we've got up there to our left is a Hornsea overground station. We've been running parallel basically to the rail lines. And here, there's a little piece here where it's still running, the river's still running over the road there. But we can't get access. Fatti Gannon needs to squeeze through. Right. So which way do we go? Do we actually, I think we have to go down that road, don't we? We're going to try and stay. Well, we'll say it's close to as we can to the river side but i think we're going to have to go that way now i've got a detailed

pdf map let's have a look at that shall we yeah what station is that over there okay right hornsy i guarantee you we're going to go down that road now because that all is train line tracks i think we get that you see that estate just across the river there yeah i think that we go through that and that's how we keep closest to the river then we literally can't go that way because we can't go that so we could cross over there to the other side and come down that way i don't want to do that no no do i don't want to do this either But we're doing something today. And I like outdoor episodes because I get to stretch my legs.

And it's my birthday this Sunday as I record this. So I'm looking forward to turning 47. Because, you know, when I started this 10 years ago, as in my 30s, mate, I was a young book. Lots of spunking life. You've got to hurry up, mate, because I've got nothing to say. Spokey, you used to be a young buck. Yeah, I used to be a young spunky book with promise and future.

Now I'm 47, it's all over. It's not all over. It's all over now. Do you know what I find walking around these days? What? I get a lot more attention from women these days on the street. I know I'm blowing my own little trumpet here, but sorry. Sorry, man.

How do you judge that, by the way? How do you know? When they look at you and smile and look at you and smile. Yeah, but they might look at you and smile in the way I would... In a sort of... Poor granddad. Yeah, in a kind of... Look at that sweet old man. Kind of thing.

Maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. I don't know. I just have noticed, and it's not just women. Men? It's everybody seems to, because I look like a sort of grown-up, I don't know. Don't you haven't noticed this? This happened to me, for sure, now.

I think your whole vibe is like a man of no age. He's both old and young looking at the same time, grizzled and... Which is a good look, isn't it? Yeah, I'm just saying it's kind of like ageless almost. You've got a similar thing going on as well. You've got still kind of a boyishness, but the age is starting. I'm more hobbity. I've got a hobbity thing going on.

You're more elf-like. I'm more alph-like. I'm more hobbit-h-y. Thank you. Now, look, I found exactly where we are. Oh, that's good on that map. See that word there? Yeah, mosque.

There we go. That's the mosque, I believe. But that map doesn't really give you the details of where we need to go. Turnpike lane, yes. Look, so we're here. Yeah. Hang on. That's the mosque.

Yes, we must be further down. We're just here. Here on that right. No, we're there? Wait, no, we're not. No, we're just here. We're there. It just came up here

Oh yeah there's estate I don't like that crease That creases is that the railway track Is that the rails? Bollocks Right let's go with Paul I've just knocked his phone out of his hand Right we'll keep it to come

Sorry I'm so moody Oh no I was just getting impatient standing by that gate No which way we're going Yeah basically we're going to keep following It's not why we took five minutes to agree that what we were going to do the minute We left that bank side

That's all I'm saying So all right cool So now we're going to head along this estate and head up towards the next... And then we cross under the rail line because there's a bridge there. Oh, nice. And then there's a little park

where we can keep following the river, mate. Okay. Well, then let's do that then. Right, let's do that then. So, oh, yeah, let's turn this off and we'll come back to it, I think, once we get back to the bank. How about that?

Unless anything amazing happens between now and then. All right. Five minutes. Sweet. All right, we keep on walking. That's Hornsey Lane, I believe, that noisy road.

here but we've come through the estate everybody we've come around underneath the main line rail bridge which is going over the river as well here you can see look there's that older look at that older bridge which has been engulfed by the brutalism of the big an old railway went over that once and there just got a place by the big one yeah i like that little boarding that takes you along the side of the tunnel the platform yeah yeah but there's a tunnel here we've come through we we stuck as close to the new rivers course as we could going through the estate and now we're back round and this is where it emerges briefly. Oh mate, hang on.

Listen to this. You're a fucking cunt bastard, you're a good bastard, cut fucking prick. Oh, it's very coarse around here, isn't it? It's very coarse round here. It's very coarse round here. Very water course. Oh, water course. Oh, look, there's a lock with a key on the floor, just random, just there.

And a shoe. And a shoe and what looks like an umbrella handle. umbrella handle. It looks like they've been in the river those things. Oh they've been dredged down? Yeah, a little bit of dredging. You think someone's gone mud blocking or something with a magnet on a stick here? I do think people do that sort of thing. And look, there's a traffic cone. There's all the classic things. There's a CD. Can you see the CD? How much you want to bet that's a self-burnt CD with lots of shit music from the 90s on? I think it could be like a set up AOL on your desktop CD. Oh yeah. You know

online? That's free on the front of a magazine one. Classic. Classic. No, classic. Traditional. cross over there's a little park there you know what mudlarking is something I would like to do on cheap show but that would have mean get up at six o'clock so it's never happening on cheap show sometimes the tide is out at different times a day so apparently it's better in the morning i don't know i don't know whatever whatever it's what my mum does just go midnight mudlarking i think midnight mudlarking is how the story two podcasters die making their podcast rings out over the press and here we are this is uh tottenham lane oh he's get at us thank you This old, I love this old building here, the bank chambers.

It was obviously a bank. Yeah. The Victorian bank. John Rogers was up here. He looked at that and went, oh, that looks like it might be a bank. And he's like, then he came round the corner and went, yeah, is a bank. Yes, John. We're walking in John's footsteps.

We are. We're treading. We're getting John at his own game. And we don't need the help of exoskeletons or any other kind of high-tech. Oh no, mate. I did pack one in my bag. Did you? I've got an exoskeleton in my bag.

I'm going to get that later. A short hop jet pack. Bis boss. Bis boss. This boss. Bismos, Bisbos, Bisbos, I'm walking, Bisbos, Bisbos. Oh, look, there's Eli in this jetpack. Fetushchum.

For Tushushum. So Crouch ends up there. Yeah. So this is the river course here. I'll be going on that path then. Let's go along this bar. Because there was one on the other side of the road. Is there?

Yeah. I'll show you in a minute. Beep, beep, beep. Now let me just double check. With that little archway there. Yes, you're right. Oh, cool. Yeah, that's definitely what we like.

Well, it might be one of those things where we, if it might be a bit of dead end so let's have a good look. No, you see a man going in there. Well, yeah, that's your dreams for you all over again. There's a man looking at the, going through the gate. Oh, I've never gone along that. Yes, there's a path. Excellent. All right. So yeah, this is a new river, signs and everything. Yeah, this will do. Yeah, let's keep following the new car. Let's keep doing it. See this? Well, hang on. I can't now. On the other side of it. It's a non-public right of way, but the owner allows it the use at their own risk. How gracious.

Look at that pumping station there, built, rebuilt in 1994. Yeah. Kind of cool, huh? What does it pump? Water. Where? It's all drinking water, isn't it? It's part of this big system around here that still uses the water of the new river to provide tap water for people.

Sounds a bit fishy to me. There's a big water processing plant up. processing plant up here which we're going to oh is that going to stink of shit too I look forward to it ducks and ducks on a pipe no they're not ducks are too different for ducks

could be heron could be heron could be uh lesser spotted brown tits you don't know about any of that could be aquatic lung fish oh the old the old lung birds aquatic long fish

the wrong the lung birds aquatic lung birds there's a coot I never remember whether they're coots or What moor hens? I think that's a moor hen. Do you have the coots with red bits on the top of it?

I think coots have red bits and moor hens have a white dash on their head. That's just what I'm sticking with. You can stick it where you like, mate. Here. That place, see, that's called the old pump house. Yeah, that was obviously part of your fucking mum, isn't it? The old pump ass.

That's what they call her. Shut up. At least she's got some fluid. I'm not your mum. My mum's dried out. They call it the dry stretch. They call it the dry patch. They call it the raspy, dry sandpaper minch.

They call it old sandpaper minge. No, clocally in the area, they just call it crispy cream. Because it flakes and foams at the same time. It's like if a dog's rabid mouth had eczema. It's like that. Oh, mate, please... I don't know what's wet and what's flake. What's...

Please stop. Men be having a nice day. Now, it is a very nice day, weather-wise, for a walk, because it's not too hot. No. It's not too cold. There's a breeze. A bit of a cloud coming over right now. I'm greying it slightly, but not to the point where I feel chilled or upset.

I've got my shorts on. It's perfect. I've got my new Amazon bought cargo pants. That was also about... 1599. They were 1699. Cool. Yeah.

Fine. Yeah, fine. Yeah, fine. Why do you like, you know, if you buy really cheap clothing, it doesn't last as long? No, we had this discussion the other week where every time I bought something expensive, it lasts me a couple of months and then falls to bits. Anything that's cheap tends to like me, well, put it one way. I've still got clothes, I shouldn't fucking probably wear, but clothes that I bought at university

that I still were to this day. You shouldn't wear that? Why, it's some good shirts and shit. My Ghostbusters, too. No. I was afraid to show my legs until recently. So all those short collections come from like when we went to L.A. because you had to show less leg

no it's because if I wear any shorter pants the tip of my cock hangs out it's just so fucking big so I've got to wear you know down to the knee so I can let it dangles does the tip of your cock really hang out yeah it's a bit like a swan's neck you're right we've seen swans everyone

we're following the main line again here to our east and on our west there is housing because this all used to be like factories and shit on that side right there was an ironwork and things famously. Yeah.

That would make sign for the local pubs as we found out on that video. You watched it together didn't we? The guy who's... Our first spotting

of Ali Pally. Oh yeah, from this angle. Yeah, we do have our... I'll start that sentence again, shall I? We don't off have our... Fuck.

We don't half have our local spots, don't we? We haunt areas. Worth the weight, that sentence. Worth its weight in gold. W-E-I-G-H-D, yeah, wait. I'm on fire, and you're just Mouth Fumbles. No, I'm fine.

Mr. Mouth Fumbles. Hello, Mr. Mouth Fumbles, how can I say? Mr. Mouth Fumbles, singing, jive and doing a dance. Mr. Foll Fumbles, he's going to take a dance on you. Come on, take a chance. I'm Mr. Muffles. Thank you. Every time he heats eggs, oh, it's barely rumbles.

Now, this is the section where I believe we're going to have to make quite a... Big decision. big detour because usually the path goes down there right we're going to look at the map when we get up here right this is the end of this we've managed to stretch this nice stretch which is in a parkland lovely here isn't it really lovely spot kind of like yeah lots of wildlife on this route in it this is what i mean though some certain people would say oh wood green what a shit hole you know it's full of like this and that and you know but this is like two minutes walk from woodcreen where we are now people don't understand this about

london you've got so much access to beautiful green spaces almost wherever you are provided you get off your heart and look yeah because i think nearly yeah apart from maybe shepherd's bush like proper inner london if you live anywhere on the kind of outskirts of like zo one to two you're going to find things like this here look at that lovely view of the front of ali pally from here oh hallie pally cool in it And to think, that also connects to the walk we did a few years ago, you know, the old train line down to Finnsbury Park. Yes, the Parkland Walk. We might, we might cross it. I mean, it definitely runs up there. I don't think we go anywhere near the Parkland Walk, though, this time.

So here, this is the water treatment plant I warned everyone about. Yes, so we'll see how that pans out. Is anything of note to say before I turn this off? No, I'm just mentally losing interest. Oh, fine. I'm just, let's make some progress. Can we have a bifter? Do you want to stop and have a bifter? I want a bifter. I want a little bit of water at bifter.

Let's do that. We feel like I haven't started my day properly without my spinach. Have you had any yet? No, nothing. Okay, I think, yeah. Conti to popular belief, I don't just instantly wake up, cane one, then go back to bed. I do. I do it at 5 in the morning. I do too.

And then go back to sleep? They go back because the best sleep. We're fucked, aren't we? Yeah. Oh, God. I'm glad someone else does that now. No, I do it. But do you know people used to...

Wake and bake they call it, don't they? I wake and bake and then sleep and then don't, you know... Wake and bake and then shake a leg and go back to bed. I literally go back to sleep. Maybe do the wordle at five in the morning. Then I have a... And then... Do you know why I like it?

Because it's like a secret time of day. No one's around. I'm absolutely with you. You get up and you go, puff, puff, puff. A cup of tea, maybe, I don't know, whatever. Back to eat and then back to bed. And then no one knows your secret. I'm saying it does feel dirty and sort of dysfunctional.

But did you know people in history used to be bignightly or whatever? they'd have two sleep periods. Oh. And they'd have like a two-hour thing in between in the middle of the night. Oh. Yeah. Like a kind of reverse siesta? Yeah.

They split their sleep into two distinct sections, basically, rather than one. So I think everyone's their own, you know. You obviously need sleep and everything. But this sort of, this Protestant, like, you must sleep until then during the hours of night and then all this is bullshit. Yeah, but that's what the man says when you have your 95 o'clock. That's what I'm saying. So let's not beat ourselves too much about waking up most of the most of. morning's about five or six having some weed and then going to sleep where we have

trippy dreams where we share bumholes or I get strangled by my partner yeah walk back there a little bit right we're going to have a little bit of a reboot we'll see it in a moment take care right we're back on the move and we're going through an underpass now that takes us is this under the railway again we're going the opposite way you see we're sort of twisting and turning because basically around here the river goes along the route of the main line. This is a nice little underpass, isn't it? They're a lovely little underpass.

These yellow, you can tell that they're Thames Water because that's their yellow colour, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. They're doing a lot of work. You mean for the pipe work, you mean? The pipe work, Paul. And here we are emerging into behind Wood Green.

You can see that car park there, that's the unmistakable architecture of the Wood Green shopping centre, which I love, but only, it's because I'm sick for brutalism. Yeah, you are. I'm sick for it. It's a great structure.

I wonder what they're going to do here. Probably nothing. If anything, tidied it up. It's a great tunnel that, though, isn't it? It looks like they're going to make it into like a little park space or something. That would be so nice, wouldn't it? You'd like some grass, a bench or whatever.

That would be great. Wouldn't that be great? It'd be lovely here, to be fair. It's a nice little spot. I ain't complaining. A little cat. Does that count as wildlife? No, that cat's, uh,

If it's got balls, it's probably feral. Oh, that's got big balls. That cat's got balls. I mean, it doesn't definitely mean it's feral, but I would say... It looks quite young. It doesn't give a shit, does it? It's on the prowl, isn't it? What does that mean?

It's looking for food, or it's... Yeah, but it knows when I go, m m'n, I want to give it food. Yeah, but it might not know that, because it's wild. It doesn't know what the M-M-M-M-S sign means. You have the condition cats to understand that, don't you? Cats aren't born with the M-M-M-Sign built it. Oh, if I'm wearing. Are they?

Is this he like confessing to be a cat molester? I'm a cat whisperer. Cat whispering. A euphemism for trying to get into a lady's knickers. Animals and children take a natural like to me. Again, don't say that. What do you mean? It just sounds weird when you say it.

It doesn't sound weird. It sounds weird in your mind. Here are you going now. Left. Look, follow it round here. This is good, isn't it? This is the real rip-back sides of wood green. The part of wood green, not a lot of people get the privilege to see. Do you see that old brick building there?

Yeah. That's the chocolate factory it was called. It was an old chocolate factory and my friend used to have a studio in there, music studio in there. Because it was like one of those places they'd turned into sort of a mixed use. There's quite a few factories here. If you look carefully, there's... There's one that makes milk. Oh, there's another one that makes milk next to it.

Oh, and there's a lemonade shop. And then yeah, around the corner, chocolate's made, isn't it? Or was made. milk milk lemonade right the corner chocolates made that's what i was getting out and that's what i got and i'm happy about that i love it back here because it's all like old bits of um waste land still that's all of those look at those that is what they call what new london vernacular style architecture the new builds weird boxy lego designs boxy nasty there's literally zero style to it no there's zero zero but then you know the flats in the old days

60s, 70s were built with the same purpose. No, no, that's not true. They were just as flat and fucking ugly in an eyesore. Some of them, not written, not most of them. You have a misapprehension, my friend. I'll show you, today, I'll show you a 60s block and just keep that in mind what those look like,

and I'll point one out to you today and you'll see what I mean. Well, like, just to, you know, coin an obvious phrase, like you look at Grenfelt, right? Yes, those are awful. I know they are the ones I'm thinking of. They're the ones that were the most usual in terms of how they were built

those were obviously built badly and there was a lot of that as well but I'm just talking about the aesthetics and design quality I think there's a bias there because you like your ugly buildings here's an old Victorian school can we both agree that's nice

look at that weird back of the back of that it's like half a building fell off the front God knows nice big white building anyway we're just pointing out fucking buildings now I'll be honest with you ladies and gentlemen you're not feeling this either I'm not

feeling this I feel like a police fan I don't like aimless walks now some of my favourite buildings in London are these Victorian schools I love them look can we see when that was built

no 1905 yeah some STBWG STBWG That would be the borough name or the council, whatever it was back then. Or it could be St. Bartholomew's school or something like that, I know, as a guess. Now we go through. Through this little park. First parklet of the walkpool.

Parklet. Parklet. Parklet. Parklet life. Yeah. I get up when I want, usually around midday because I've been working until two in the morning. I put my trousers on. I have a larte.

I get up at five. and then have a joint and then go back to bed parklet that's it it's barrett gardens barrett i'll test it by putting a feather against it and see if it floats directly down to the ground okay there was barrett homes adverts oh be in front were they the home wasn't the wasn't it the weren't it wasn't it everest double glazing oh no you're right to everest double glazing where they used to drop a feather thank you barrett homes just made homes which would have that kind of double glazing in as standard i've conflated everett and barrett Oh dear.

Kenny Everett. Kenny Everett and Keith Barrett. I don't know. Hello. Oh, no. It's a lovely day. Thanks for joining us, everyone, on this kind of... It's had a direction but no goal this week.

Yeah, I'll be honest, mate. I'm not feeling this walk yet. I haven't connected with it yet. You know, sometimes I connect with a walk and I get really into it. Where we get further out, you'll see. This is the thing. I just think maybe it's because I were like, We're not further out yet.

This is all familiar. So for me, this is like, yeah, I know. We're about to hit unfamiliarity. This is now near where I had to do my jury service. Right, which way now? Are you sure? Let's have a look at the mat. See where it's up there, isn't it?

Now, if you're interested, there is salsa Usuka. On Wednesdays it bounds green if anyone's interested. Where I believe you'll learn salsa with a very talented looking lady. Bless her. Blesser. That sounds even worse. Why? I'm saying bless her. She's giving salsa to the community. Is it for free?

Well, probably not. No. Well, it's not giving then, is it? Yeah, but it's a service that you offer. Look at that weird. Oh, collecting knives. Oh, it's a charity thing. Oh, I don't like it. That's the Mother of Mary. I don't like it. Mother of Mary of Jesus.

That's creepy. It's going to come to life and put pens in my eyes. It's behind glass. I'm turning this off now because we're... just walking on the streets you can see the bridge that's where the river runs all right we'll come back to it in a bit okay we've recorded a lot we haven't really gone anywhere yeah mock tudor brew is judah oh brew is tudor i've got fucking i'll tell you that for fucking fact you see that row of trees there yeah i think that is where the river runs because look you see it coming up there yeah i bet we could go up here

should we try that can we check your map first because i don't want to get into a situation where we're backtracking because there's a dead end there all right okay i am I'm going to press stop here, we'll come back to you when, frankly, something fucking... Oh, he turns it happens. Ah, rah, rah, rah, rah. Oh, the Ocardo van dropping some fat fucking tunes. Oh, well, some middle class family's just about to get their fucking avocado eggs

and fucking jazzy Jeff or something. You should be on the avocado, high in potassium, mate? Oh, I love we have avocado all the time at home, darling. I saw some article looked quite credible saying it's very good for the heart. Anyway, we're at Middleton Road. with middleton named after the guy who built the new river itself the main founder of the main founder middleton mr middleton agatha middleton obviously a very important uh water course when they were building all of this uh this stuff because this all these sort of buildings

around here date from uh the victorian period whereas it was built 200 years before so it actually led to the sort of development now it starts over there is this it or is just a little No, this is just a weird little Bowles Park community gym. So it's got a... Can I just say, mate? Can I just say? To call it a gym is one thing, and yes, there's a little exercise bike there. But ping pong for me does not belong in a gym. There's a cross train. Let's go have a look.

Well, no, it's... I mean, it's fine. Talk about parklet. This is about the size of my flat. No, it's bigger than your flat. But the ping pong isn't good for your gym. Yes, it is. It's got... It's a good pat, pit, pat, isn't it?

Good for your tone on your arms. your legs jumping around have you played ping pong yeah it's very active not the way i play it which is badly and then i give up oh yeah new information 1850s rural bowls park urban london oh aye you can't get onto it there not for you no you can see the next bridge up though look at that oh look at it there are some people along it though so it must go somewhere oh there's steps over there mate look you have to get there oh oh oh little slice my belly button well we're out in the world now

it's because my fat tummy got too close I've been stung look at this it's alright look at this bottle what's this it's amazing what you find when you dredge an old river well to the new river 135 years of social history in bottles so yeah it's a little weird kind of

display case full of bottles Neptune is that one that says Neptune there's like a glass wicker basket type thing and a seltre oh it does you're right Art Deco style bottle to hold one quart, two pints of oil, that. Oh, wow. And someone just tossed it in. Our whites.

Here's a secret, lemonade drink. It's an old lemonade drinker, number two. Is that one? No, number two is. Yeah, no. Look here. Oh, yeah, it is. Oh, yeah, it is.

What's that one? Neptune with the swirls on. What number is it? You can't see. It's number three. Brooke and Prudenzio, soft drink. Oh, 1920s, 1930s. What's that sex toy one looking?

That looks like a douche. Number one, that's the ESO-Lube Oh, 1920s Art Deco-style bottle Oh, that's 13 Oh, that is the Mock Basketwork Plastic Wine Flagon with glass lining from Cyprus Someone had a fucking great line

You look at a lot of Greek Cypriots Were some of the earlier immigrants to this area So that big one did you say was number one Which was the Art Deco style bottle S-Olu 1 quarter of oil Oh, okay, yeah, yeah Cool, so cool

It's kind of cool It's weird that's just here in this weird gym. And you chose how to choose one of those bottles? Oh, I want the swirly one, the Neptune one, whatever it says. All the arse wipes. That is the Brook and Pedantio soft drink. But why say Neptune and then Brooklyn Pedantio?

Because that might have been the name of the brand of soft drink. Neptune. Oh, yeah. I'm guessing it's an orange drink. Oh, I'd get that with the spiral. I'm also getting really thirsty. Talking about drinks and bottles. Right.

I'm going to do CrossFit. Here we go. Watch this. Getting on it. Oh. Cross-training, complete body and cardio workout. Here we go. Oh, mate.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait. I can't stop. You're not meant to do both your arms at the same time. I've got to get off. I can't stop it. Oh, it's done. Oh, it's done. All right, he's getting on the cross-trainer.

You do both at the same time? Well, I had a hand recording, didn't I? Don't give that out of exercise, boy. Can I take a picture of this? Yeah, baby. It's all right. There's a mini jim. It does all right. It's got three things and some bottles.

What a strange mixed-use little parklet it is. I'm going to sit on this fitness bike, which is just like a, oh, there's a big spider on it. Nah, I'm not doing that. Is there really? Big web and then there's a spider literally on the seat. Urban London it says. Bowes Park is the neighbourhood we're in now. All right.

There's the new river tunnel. Oh look, sewer hunters and mudlarks. The persons who are in the habit of searching the sewers call themselves shoremen or shore workers. the sewer hunters were formerly called by the name of Toshers. Toshes. The articles which they pick up in the course of their wanderings along shore being known among themselves in the general term as Tosh.

So if you pick stuff up on the sewers or on the path lines, it's Tosh means, yeah. Is that where Tosh comes from like nonsense? That's what it means to you. If I said that's a load of old Tosh. Yeah. Nonsense. I also know the name Tosh from the bill

when there's a guy called Tosh in it. It was. He was an alcoholic in real life and then died of that. Well, this is all about the tunnel. which must be this tunnel that we've just walked over the top of. Apparently, Copernels are the most expensive and most valuable thing that Toshes and mudlarkers could find. Still true to this day, people stripping out of shit.

Yeah, cool. From Henry Mayhew's London, Labour and London Poor. That's that book I tried to give you. That's that exact book. Remember? It's like one of the most famous sort of documents about... Of the poverty in the 1800, the Victorian era. This is all about on top of the tunnel.

There's that marker we saw. Yeah, there's a few of them. The recharge pump house has a bat brick in the wall adjacent. What does bat brick? Is that what those things are? Didn't know it was called bat brick. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What are these called, though?

Stump, upright metal markers. Catchy. Do you know what? Considering we accidentally walked across this place, this has been like just a deep well of information. Yeah, well, you have to. Look at this as well. We have to follow the course of the river, mate.

The clean tunnel with the suction pipe on its floor, you can see the fine brick work. That's what we've walked over. Yeah, that's the stuff hidden from man's eyes. Do you want to see if we can find a shop nearby before we get back onto the river? I think we do that, because I need some thirsty time. Right, okay. You know what?

What a lovely diversion to what is a basic gym in the park. Oh, sort of. Here we go. Right, excellent. Right, I have quenched my first with the Luccazade orange. My favourite of the flavoured Lucasade energy drinks. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. After the original, I like orange the best. After original, that's what I mean.

If you had to pick between that and an original? Original. Really? You just couldn't see an original there? No, I just wanted... My tastes were more into this right now. I needed more flavour quenching. And as much as I love Lucaset, I get more of a flavour quench from the orange flavour. Now, if you've got an ongoing fucking problem with this,

I'd like you to get out into the air now so we can move on with our fucking lives. Hey? I don't have a problem. I just think you're... Why you're bringing it up? I would always not go for that because I don't like it.

I'm in the wrong, am I? Paul Gannon can't have a opinion. Now look at this. It can't have a fucking, whatever. The beautiful above ground stretch of the river and this is a very famous tunnel. Is it? Yeah, this is the tunnel, the new river tunnel.

That started right back there. past both those linear parks we walked on for Ali Pally or just after Ali Pally just after he says Look at those fish Fishers oh yeah I think they're minnows Oh look at that's beautiful

On the way they're going A whole little school of them I know where they're going Oh I don't like it The Tunnel mouth There's the tunnel mouth They really don't want people going down there No why would you are you taking pictures

Are they in focus as well Just out of interest I'm just wondering just because you know usually your pictures aren't. They're beautiful and loved by many. And then digitally cropped to a disgusting resolution. So, yeah, no, great. Great stuff.

No, time with the close-ups are. Fuck, you, just, whatever. It's not my style. It's not making me feel. I posted a picture of you that I took on one of these walks and everyone was like, it's like a masterpiece, like an old master, like a Vermeer. Sometimes your delusion is, to be honest, like commendable.

I wish I had the level of delusion. you did. Maybe I'd be more successful. If you had more, if you had my proactivity and I had your confidence, maybe we'd be better people. Well, perhaps I'll say why we found each other, Paul. Oh dear. Oh dear. Look at these.

Ah, the light of it. This really is actually strangely pretty here. Because the water looks, I mean, clean for what it is. You can see to the bottom. We just saw a school of fishies. Let's go a little fishy. I'm a little dishy. It's a sign of it being clean.

what the fuck was that water man doing talking though there was a man from the waterboard he went it's too fucking hot i'm not doing this it's not that hot i thought he was talking to someone like his mate and then he was wielding his long crowbar style thing well yeah and it nearly smacked you in the face back of the head and then he said something to the effect of all towpath walkers are you and then kept on walking yeah he's he was he was he was he's he was he was he was that little uh crowbar thing He used to pry up to waterp... He was literally doing like a sort of Stephen Seagal-like style brandishing. Here's what I think.

He's the guy who's good at his job, but no one wants to work with him. So he works by himself and therefore talks to himself and then hopes to get the ear of a passer-by. He's hoping for some kind of engagement, definitely. We weren't doing it. Sorry to be antisocial, but we're not doing it. A bit agi like that. Especially when you're swinging your fucking...

I'll give you a good example when we're on the... Swinging your stick around. When we were on the train on Brighton Beach. And the driver went, oh, they call it Black Rock because... You remember that? Yeah. That was good. But in that instance, yeah, he overheard us and added something to our conversation.

Answer the question that we had. But he was just like, oh, go for a towpath. Walk! Yeah. This is... Oh, look at this. Look at it. What are you looking at?

Fishies. Oh, yeah, there's loads of them. A whole other little school of them going up. I might get the camera out and film this for a little bit. It's beautiful. Well, look, we're just going to keep on walking up this path. It hits the main road in a few minutes. Can you see the conker, Paul?

I can see the conker. I can see a conca nestling at the bottom. I can see a conca and a little fishy. Oh, I think it's a minnow. Do you think they're minnows? I don't know. It could be. But I'm going to get my camera out and film a little bit of this.

We are doing a little mini video for this, but it won't be as exhaustive or as extensive as our usual videos. Just a nice little taster to go alongside what you're listening to. Now, we're at the bottom of a shallow incline. But the banks are much larger here, this section of the new river. And do you know what I mean about the sort of... Like... Manicuring of the area.

And it's like... Yeah. He has that sort of Narnia vibe. Narnia. And in between a place that isn't really a park. And it isn't... Do you know why it was... It was tough to get into the magic realm in a wardrobe.

Pun. Incoming. Because he was told Narnia can come in here. Narnia can come in here. If your name's not down, you can't come in here. Narnia allowed in here. Come on, me. That's a good one. Yeah, fine. You didn't the set-up.

needed work. It did, but I got there in the end. You can't come in. I've got a new one. Go on. My wife wants to spice things up. She was saying, she asked me. She said, can I put my finger in your asshole? I said, yeah. She said, I'm sensing a butt. Oh. Yeah. That's a think of that one, isn't it though? It's a thinker. It makes you think that one. I need's work, but do you know, I'm getting out with it? Yeah, I do, you get that with that. It's not mine. Oh, mate.

Oh, a water boatman. I am the water boatman. Can you see it? I live in your drains. Can you see it? No. There, look. I'll take any word for it.

I just can't be asked to look for it. Yeah, little ripples. As it jumps across? Yeah. Oh, yeah, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. Boing, boing, boying, oh, no, I see it. Yeah, cool, huh? Clever little bastard.

Oh, dog egg. Got it right with that. Right, okay, we're going to come back to you a little bit later on, but you're up to date. There's another bridge. Look, there's an old crane. Shut up. The green team. Great green to your door.

Are you fucking telling me there's a weed delivery man? Yeah. You can do it. Oh. I don't know how safe. I don't know how, well, yeah. Because that's the major thing. Convenience over personal human safety.

Because you don't know who's telling. turning up at your door. Anyway, we have crossed. This is the ring road, did you say, the circular? This is the North Circular. We've crossed it. Yeah, now we're going on to the new part of the river path down this very liminal space.

Helios is taking pictures of traffic. Pictures of our journey, such as they are. We'll be on our website, the cheapshire. code at UK or on our Instagram account just look for cheap show podcast on Instagram and you'll see all the lovely pictures but mate let me introduce you after all these years lovely liminal space it is do you know with this is the section that goes through Palmer's Green where I shot Clankerman and in fact we shot do you remember the scene from Clankerman where there's the doll you puts the doll into the water that's around there that's here in the new river

Yeah. So let me get through. Oh, someone's left the Kelvin Klein Sliperoos. Sliders. Is that what they call them? Yeah. Aren't they thongs or flip flops or something? No, flip flop is the fong one.

Yeah. Those ones which just have a band. Yeah. Those are sliders. I thought sliders are those tiny little burgers you have. Or a 1990s TV show about people jumping to parallel universes. Oh, was that any good? For the first season or so.

and then it completely shipped the bed oh oh fuck it's the smell again there's that smell again because it's been it's this is why the water's so clear on the other side it must be treated at this point oh look at that oh look at that chunky honk i can't oh mate someone through their dinosaur toy in it oh what a stagnant fucking stinky rancid Oh, got to get out of here. I want a shot of you going, ugh. What, you want a picture of my fucking miserable... All right, here we go.

The smelly one. Smell. It's just that fucking smell always gets right to the fucking heart of my vomit muscle. Now, you can't breathe through my mouth. You can see here that it is an aqueduct meaning it's raised up because it's quite steep. You wouldn't want to fall down. We're on the top of

it. Out of all the parts of the water to fall in. This is the bit I don't want to fall in most right now because it looks like Spunk's porridge. It does. Yeah, well done. This is coming up to... It looks like a thousand man's muck. It's what it looks like.

It's got streaks on it. The water's got streaks. Look at the brown streaks. Look at the brown streaks. Stop. What is it? It's just... It's just...

Mild and algae and crap, you know. Droppings. It's just staggering. It's not poo or week. I'm finding this particular part of the walk really unsettling because of the steep bank drop to the left and then the very easily to fall into water on the right. It's suddenly less charming up here, isn't it?

Precarious. But it gets better again, believe me. And we are going to the Clank of Man locations now. Is this over this episode now? We're near the end? No, don't start that. Why? He's just wondering.

Are you running out of steam? We can stop if you like. We're not even... When are we going to have ditty nom-noms? We have to keep going till there's a better picnic spot. Oh yeah, we need a picnic spot. This is my great picnic. No, we're going to get out of the pot at the Christmas tree.

I'm so fucking out of the shitty toilet paper. The shitty toilet paper. I've got to go. I've got to get out of here. I can't do this. This is horrible. It's like the gag reflex part of the thug. Pooh River, talk about the poo river.

Pooh River? Oh. Middleton, middle bum more like. Oh, there's a bridge. That's the other river. Oh, yeah, the Pimbsbrook. Oh, mate. Well, I'm going down here.

Hang on. How cool is that? Oh, look at this. Now, the Pimbsbroke, we've gone along before. Yeah, but not at this point. it's much further down when we started. The culverted here, that's so cool, isn't it? The water is quite shallow, because look at the bank is there.

So this is a river going under a man-made aqued, which is why this is so high. Yeah. How weird. There's the Pimsbrook. Cool spot, huh? It is. You know what?

One of the things I always find interesting. You remember when they went to the Grand Union Canal? There was that pit where there was like three canals meeting and one went under the other and one went around the back of the other. It's like... In a very similar way to this. aqueductant. Yeah.

I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. I mean, just human science and endeavour, isn't it? Just the engineering, yeah, I love it. Nature meets manufacture. See, it's cleaner here. There's fishies there, those are tiny little minnows. Yeah. Do you see those?

You see those little... It's clean enough for them to live it. That's what I'm saying. It's not that dirty. And this is just upstream from that crap up there. So it's not that bad, obviously. It's clear as well. We can see the little fish.

You see their shadows and they're... Oh, look, they're playing. Aw, Baz fish and Gazfish, having a lovely time. Aw. Oh, that's good. Do you know what I think? What do they eat? Your imagination is completely informed by Viz magazine.

Both of those people are from Viz. Bazz and Gats. They're from the... Also, the names of my cousins. Oh, right. Fucking hell. Just like, I've interested that... There's any interest to you?

Just fucking saying. This is mad. this spot it's really pretty wild around it's it's interesting in terms of like i don't know it how everything juts up against itself like the row of houses there the embankment the steep drop off the other pit the wild woods that are going along here or something it's the rural meat urban vibe you know yeah yeah i love it like the cookie cutter collective or whatever they're fucking cold i got the ghee i don't know what i'm talking about i got the ghee i got yeah i got the Ghee, it's based on cheese or something, I know.

Geese clarified butter. Yeah. It's not cheese. Well, I need a wee-wee. I mean, there's so much crap around here. Well, don't piss into the river. I'm not going to piss into the river. But maybe you can go piss down there or something.

I will. But let's keep going for it. Is this the river going along the side of us, see you then? That's the PIMS. No. Well, what's that? It's just like a waste area. Oh, yeah, it looks like a waste area.

It's a little sort of bit of no man's land. It's not a growth on it, isn't it? This, you know, this is like wooded liminal. Yeah. this is like this is like nature's liminal space isn't it i like it yeah it's the type of liminality between built up and nature nature's own forgotten pathways so i'll go for a piss there isn't it oh can you just look after that for me yeah and uh so i turn the recording off would like me to follow you and record it i mean you're all clear mate no one's coming in either

direction right now so if you want to piss one out go for it well while eli goes for for urination by the banks of this particular stretch of the new river, I'll sign off and we'll come back to you as soon as we find another place of note you might want to hear about. No, I can see him pissing. He's stretched his legs right across like he's got a whole like Tory spokesman stance.

He pisses like a Tory spokesman. Anyway, I'll leave him to it. Right, see it a bit. Bye-bye. Right, Eli has finished his Tory stance pissing, and it's time to explain, where are we right now on the bank? Listen, people will understand if you're wearing shorts as I am this day's. I mean, you piss like John Osborne giving a speech.

Probably a lot more better content coming out there. Yeah, well, yeah, much more useful. A little bit of politics. This is the spot where we shot Clanker Man, where he puts the doll into the river, and I can't remember what the exact term were used in the script. Spooky Dytratus was the subsection of his job. Spooky detritus, yeah. Or something like that.

But that was there, just there. Just to imagine, just watch Clankerman again. It's in that bit. And the Clanker Man bus stop. Just there. That he froze the book on top of. So this is Clankerland. This is.

We've hit the Clankerlant. Clanker land as far as the eye can see. Do you know that's Clankers is what they call AIs now. Robots. Oh really? Yeah. Right. All right.

Are we coming off here? Yeah, we're coming off. You've said, right, we're going to come off the river again. We're coming on to the high street, so I'm going to turn this off again, and we'll see you in a little bit. Right, so we're now on the bit of the path where it kind of weaves in and out of the new river a bit more considerably. We're heading towards Enfield,

but we're going to go past Winchmore Hill Station, and we just went past a mosque and a cricket field, and very it's a lot cleaner a lot less that bit where it crosses the north circular is filthy isn't around there a lot of dumping horrible but it gets really nice this is little pedestrian walkway Hamilton Way N13 look at this Paul it's post it is a deco style concrete bollard or post and I love it I love that little detail Eli bits and pieces of detail saw request stop sign with a badly the 80s. Badly drawn bus with feet

which is unnecessary. Hazelwood's walking bus. And it's an achronism now, I think, because I don't think... I couldn't say public foot I can't say it now. Public foot spaff. Foot spaff. Foot spaff.

I'll give you a foot spaff. Right. And then there's a dialer ride. I don't think that... Which is also something you use when you get bunged up and you need to go poopy. I don't think that's a dialer right. Yeah.

That was the pun. I don't think this is a request stop of any sort anymore. No, it's just a forgotten sign. Yeah. Forgotten sign. I love that lonely forgotten remnants. And we're going up Hamilton Way now, which has a bridge over the new river. And then we're going to cross the new river on Hamilton Way and then rejoin the actual river side just here, Paul.

Yeah. If you're following us on a map, why? It's no point. It's fractured. But yeah, oh, we're crossing the river again. Oh, yeah, we were just there a minute ago. and now we're crossing it here again and so basically for the next like mile or so

there's going to be a lot of this isn't there there's going to be a lot of criss crossing on the path yeah and we don't rejoin it I was wrong we have to go round on the roadway here so we're doing that then yeah right okay at one point we're going to stop and do have lunch right we're going to have our little picnic

and we'll get into that a little bit later because it's a little bit special and unusual and sent to us to the PO box so thank you if you'd like to send us anything at the PO box whether it's to play, taste, enjoy, read, or a price of shite. The details on the metadata for this episode. If you go to the podcast, that you're listening to this on. And also, while I'm here, we're on YouTube music now,

apart from when YouTube music fucks me. Mate. They reprioritized everything. It's weird. Privatized, sorry, made private. So what happens is you go, here's your RSS feed. YouTube will have that, and it will take all the episodes and upload them one by one. Right?

Then after that, it says, put the whole playlist. to public which I did and then when I saved it all the tracks went to private when I tried to refix it it could it wouldn't do it I kept going to unlisted to public to unlisted to private private to unlisted just to try and see if it would kick it in wouldn't do it so one by one I went through all 452 fucking tracks and made them public one by one which was a nightmare because it took forever because the way the screens reload and everything so a week later someone on Twitter goes oh they're all gone and I was like fucking hell went to the playlist yeah they were all set to private again

all of them by the first 20 do you think it's something to do with the AI picking up on the bad language yeah or there's been a problem with RSS feed and YouTube podcast anyway someone sent me a link about there's problems with it but either way I'm now slowly doing like 60 episodes a day putting them back to public and so they're not all there right now but just done the half are available complain again though yes you don't want it to happen again no I've complain three times. And each time they say, well, then I'm, I have to do it again. This is the problem. They don't have any point of contact. So you have to just put a thing in for the feedback page where you give feedback on your experience and then a team looks into it,

which absolutely means fucking nothing. An AI standard. So if you would like to listen to us on YouTube music, you are more than willing to do so. Please do. If you're more than willing to use YouTube music, by all means support us on there. You're more than welcome. No, no, no. If you're more than willing because i don't think i'm willing to deal with youtube's fucking god-awful bullshit i don't know this is where map man comes in you're map man look it's running here you're map man be the map man i have been the map man i've been used map i've been used map map map come on map map map map i don't think you can get onto it here map you sure why don't you check your map map map that's why why doesn't it say on the map considering it had every other bit of information so i can see yes

the familiar swing turnstile gate and the sign so yes we should have taken a picture of the map we just passed because that told us where we could rejoin it look there's a sign there yeah that's not what you said at all exactly there's a path oh we can go down there thank god i'm the one paying attention to this walk honestly eli you're not much of a map map man are you're a dicket map oh shit map map right we're back on the new river see in a bit I had to walk past some big bad geese then now Eli's got to walk through them take it slow go round them I went through the middle like a hard man mate I walk through the middle like a hard man but then one of them tilted its head back opened its beak and went like that as if they fucking come on then and I was like oh they're coming after us yeah well we've got no biscuits or nothing for you

they don't give a shit do they no they're not scared of you because they know if anything kicks off it's four against one and they'll have me. They're eating grass. Yeah, well, you know. Helps with their stomach and digestion, I'd imagine. Yeah, probably. Anyway, we are...

I just don't think of birds as being grazers, do you? No. Do you know what I mean? No. I don't know what ducks eat. Bread, isn't it? Rice. No.

Fish and chips. They're not ducks over there, geese. Yeah, they're all the same bastards. Hide a down bastards. Here we are. A lovely, nicely landscaped little stretch of the new river. Oh, yeah. We're in the posh suburb parts of like out of London now, aren't we? Well, this is... What neighbourhood is this?

I don't know. There's a bush to go to Enfield. Well, we're headed to Enfield as well, yeah. I don't know what that stop is. Oh, all right, mate. What's your fucking problem? Winsmore Hill. Oh, okay. It's on the northern line, right?

I think it's on the northern line, Winchmore Hill. Well, far north of where green we are. Oh, too far. Too far up. But how many miles do you think we've done so far, then? Give or take. I think we've done at least five miles. How long was the canal walk we did on the region's canal?

The canal was about six, wasn't it? No, what was it? I thought it was like nine. I don't remember it being six, that's too short. Maybe what? Here's another one of those crane things. It can carry up to 2,000k, G. So, I don't know.

So I reckon at some point they must have used these is a kind of makeshift ersats kind of delivery system for certain things and they could pick them up. But why would you use something that takes drinking water for freight? Well, maybe it's grain or something for a farm or it's post or its cargo.

Like I said before, it might be all those kind little things. Either way, oh, we can go back on it right now. In fact, I thought we're going to be back on the main road for a bit longer, but it looks like we're all good, I think. Carpenter Gardens, okay. This is a school, which more.

Fitness Centre, all the stuff you don't give a fuck about, listening. Oh, Eli, you watch this. Now, there's a building to my right on the banks. Probably an old pumping house or something. I'm going to give you all a penny if Eli doesn't bring it up now when I see him. Let's just see what he says. Here we go. It's all right, isn't it?

Round here. It's lovely round here, yeah. Look at that lovely old Victorian. With the still got the ironwork on top. Was that a school? I think it's a pump house. There you go. I don't know, you're a penny.

I told the audience that I bet the minute you see that, you have to bring attention to it, and you were right, so I don't know, with a penny. Oh, there's a grid. There's a gauge there for the riverbed level, yeah. Oh, so are we crossing? Do we need to cross? Should we cross?

I don't know if we should cross here. No, we, oh no, there's a path. Oh, wait, what's this? I think we can, but it gets very narrow. No, we can't cross this bridge. Well, no, because that's closed. Yeah. I know.

That's why I'm saying, do we go down here? But I'm saying it looks very narrow and frightened. It looks fine. I've actually been on this section. Oh, fine. Just tell me when you want to stop, because I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling it. I just want to find the right space to have that snack.

When we're not so close to, like, houses and main roads and stuff. I'd like a little bit of, like, seclusion, if possible. Maybe we won't get it. I don't know. Fucking ducks rat out of our back. We should look for some wide open bit. All right, well we'll look for some wide open bit, but as I say, all this is still very samey at the moment, which is fine. It is the nature of the beast.

I'm not complaining about the fact that this walk is very familiar. But I'm rambling about shit, I don't know what to say. Let's go over to Eli. I just saw a duck go in the water. Yeah, he's got something. It came back up. It wasn't a duck, though. It was a moor hen.

I didn't. Only so, it's ours, so I don't know. I thought it might have been a duck. Probably a little fishy. Maybe. Just looking for other stuff. Little minnow or salmon. Oh, he's eyeing us up.

Yeah, all right, mate. Oh, yeah, here we are out of the back again. Right, okay, you know what? This is just ramble-flaff, isn't it? Gob chundle, this is. Now out of interest here, we're coming out and we're going to a site. Oh, it's very villagey. This is very villagey.

Oh, and there's a pre. I'm getting a coffee. I am. Yeah, I am. I need one. Right, okay. Oh, yeah, we can go up that way. Oh, we got plenty of pathway, mate. We got plenty of pathway to go. Yeah, I know. Eli and Paul. On the... She goes to Hartfordshire. Well, we're going to Hartfordshire, then. That's the plan I've just decided. We're now going to Hartfordshire. Right, okay. I'm going to get a snack and a coffee. See in a bit. Right, we're back. I can't remember what the last thing we said to you was, because in that time, we've stopped off for a quick bite to eat. been a bit distracted, figure the map out, did a bit of video on the 360, so either way, where are we nowish?

We're in the Winchmore Hill area. Right. We passed Winchmore Hill Cricket Club. Yeah. It all starts to become self-repeating. Little stretch of grassy bank, then a bridge, then you swap bank sides, then you go another 100 metres or so.

Little... Off and on, off and on, off. Little bits of waterside walk. and then you cross a road and then it happens to be honest it's getting to the point where it's kind of driving me a bit mad just in terms of like it feels like you know you see those horror films that someone's talking a kind of temporal loop and it's to teach them a lesson about something they did in life until they have to do it in uh mouth of madness when they're trying to leave town and they keep going around it's kind of like that if i see a little old man cycling towards us at great speed any moment now i'm going to start screaming didn't john waters himself you mean john carpenter yeah didn't john carpenter

No, that's not him It's because I'm looking at the water Yeah, no, that's not John Carment on the bike It looks like it though It does look like him It's weird But it's not him

It's meant to be the little kid They see at the beginning of the film And so he's been cycling for so long He's an old man I love that film Right, oh up and down See this is the thing It's this cyclical nature to this

It's like along the bank Up the thing, go for the gate Cross the road Another gate back onto the path but this is where I find like London gets interesting because you come off the road and then you see like these little car service like an independent taxi rank

or a laundrettes or a little barbers the endless suburb that goes on and it's all this stuff yeah I know what you mean it's great but let me just check this go on what? Looks like we're going to have to get on the road here Oh no hang on

I don't know Are they closed you think Oh I don't know Can we get on it? I just want to see where this path map goes. Hang on. Right, okay. Mate, I think I know where we can have our little

our little disco, noodle eating. Look at this map here. We're here, right, cross over a little thing. There's all this greenery here. Maybe that's a perfect spot. Yeah. Maybe that's the spot we have the noodle. Okay, fine.

Well, let's find it. It's just there. Park, that's Winchmore Hill, so the Grange Park. This is what I'm saying, we're here, cross over, la, la, la. By the time we get to there, here, we should be plenty of space for a snacker woe. What happened after Enfield, I wonder? I don't know. Church Street, Enfield.

I don't think I've ever been to Enfield in all my days. It's nice, it's where the N-29 finishes. Oh, this traffic's fucking madness. Yeah. Oh, psychopaths. Well, again, it's a tutor. No, it's what gets me about fucking humanity. Tubes are down.

How about everyone stays at home and works? No, everyone then gets into their car to drive everywhere. It's just in two cars, three cars, only a driver. Four. Yeah. Five. Crazy, isn't it? You know what we should do?

Just walk up to the fucking crossing. Because we could be here for ages. It looks like the drivers around there are fucking psychopaths. Okay, this is what I like about living in Harrow, though, because it's both like on the path. It's like off the beaten path and on the beaten path. It's not too far away from Central London. but it's like grassy enough to be like there's a magic in the sort of edgelands

isn't there and this is pure edge land around here the hinterland the hinterlands look at that ghost sign that's really oh I can't even tell you what that is Carnard or something maybe can't you are up just a little little alleyway a little look at that no that house oh Barbara Ells I thought I said Eli's then that was weird that building there you go have a little look at it I'm just I'm just going to pause this because we're in a moment. I'm going to sit on that bench while you potter about. Yeah, I'm going to.

I need to get to a natural point where I can sign off like this bit. Update, yeah, update. The gates were changed, so we've had to go alongside the other side of the path of the main road. Oh, look at that. A little secret alley. Oh, I met her. Did she have a really stinky minge full of wards? No, really clean, actually, really clean. Beautiful body, perfect breasts, great hips.

We're getting more massage out of it every week. She was just into Scat. That's the only thing. like she would literally like bring a little model toilet with her to put over her mouth you're talking about an actual exit no shut up stop with the potty talk god anyway she would put this little plastic toilet on her mouth and I would have to you know squat over her and go here come the poop poops and then she would like chud on down on that she would she would she and uh no put this bit out I think she should put this as the teaser and she was like is it runny I want to run

one today I want a nice I know what a nice egg sandwich I don't know why that amuses me oh she used the fucking hands free and I could talk over this monsters now I like this I like being in control oh hey shut up I've got an email sent to the website which anyone can do you can email the cheap you at gmail.com but this is pertinent to your interest it's sort of But this comes from Simon, so thank you, Simon. And it's a do-da-do-do-do-d-d-d-d-source information. So McDonald's ketchup is their own brand, and has been around for eight years.

Okay. Previously, they served Heinz. I knew it. And indeed, in some Mackie's kitchens, there are still Heinz branded ketchup dispensers around. However, in 2013, Bernando Hees was appointed CEO at Heinz, after leaving his job as CEO of the Burger King Company. McDonald's felt like his appointment compromised their relationship with Heinz

so they started producing their own sources. I hope this helps resolves an ongoing source, ha ha ha, of confusion and drama. Thank you very much. Congratulations on episodes 4, 15, 10 years. Love Simon. Thank you, Simon, for that. Pertinent, source-based information.

Thoughts, Eli. It's funny how personally, how personal the whole this top CEOs in these massive corporations are, you know, just because you used to work for Burger King and now you work for our suppliers of source we don't want to work with you anymore

you know it seems like a petty almost like a personal sort of thing you know or is it to do with industrial secrets well I bet you he knows too much there's probably an element no there's probably an element of that but there's also a sense of we don't want any shit

to stick with us should something come up further on down the line and then someone can go oh but they used to work for the and there's compromise so they're probably saying Just to be safe sort of thing. It's probably some bullshit corporate reason so they don't piss off the chairholders kind of reason for it. Because Burger King are their biggest competitor, aren't they?

Hard to believe. Yeah, I know. But is that just in Europe? Because I think in America itself, I don't know if... What's the second biggest chain in America? Maybe Wendy's or maybe, like, fucking, I don't know. It depends on the state for a start. Yes.

I don't know. Maybe it is Burger King, I don't know. I think it is a second. You get the sense. It's like McDonald's Burger King, Coke, Pepsi. It's that kind of vibe, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely, yes. I kind of like Wendy's these days.

If I can go to Wendy's in the UK, I'll do it. I still prefer McDonald's. Even though Wendy's does the... They've got Heinz. That's where this all started, isn't it? Because I got those... I got from Wendy's those... No, isn't it?

Yeah, but it wasn't because of Heinz garlic which tasted just like salad cream. Do you remember? You know what? I don't know if it's just because we've been walking along this river or whether it's because my nose is goofed. but every like five minutes I get this real strong width of dog shit

Am I stud and son? No. No. You're imagining it. It's my breath. No, it's not your breath. For once, I am not going to take the piss out of your rancid breath. But it's not dog shit. If anything, your breath's kind of a cigarette kebab hybrid. Yeah.

Which someone needs to invent. What was like a link spot? What's this? A cabat, that's the new river path now. Yeah, but look, it's just randomly on the side of the road. Let's do it. Let's do it. We're getting back on it. How weird. We're doing it. Steps back onto the park.

Steps back on. And here we are, back on. You what? I want to have this thought? Yeah, hang on, go on. Let me just get the mic to you. You said a mixture of a cigarette and cab. What if someone invented a donna cab that you could vape? mate

how we're trying to bet that someone has already got a Dona Cabab flavoured vape on the go I would I'd try that mate Of course you would I'd like to try anything Dona Cabab flavoured

You know what the worst one was The fucking pot noodle That was an atrocious Even with my limited understanding Of the profile of a Dona Kabab I knew that was nothing like a donna kabab Just in terms of like What flavour you're going for here

Because it feels more like A sloppy Joe flavour Yeah but like spice meats that's it yeah i mean that is you know donna cabb isn't what there's so many donna cabs as there are yeah cabs you know but when you're trying to homogenize it down to a to a flavor brand for your thing it's a sort of spiced meat yeah i guess yeah shame oh okay here we are again just again you know what it is it is slightly driving me mad this on the high street on the curve of the pat on the river on the high street

It's so similar and it seems to just be repeating again and again. There's slightly different variations on it. I feel like Patrick McGuin in The Prisoner. I am not a number. It has that kind of vibe, doesn't it? Yeah. I love it. But we are going to stop and have a snack at some point.

We are. We're not too far away from a nice bigger piece of grassland. And I think that's going to be our prime location for our snack of the week. It's actually, it's just around the corner from when this, the river goes back into a culvert or it goes underground. So we're walking to that, to there. Oh, that's the first pigeon. Weird. I don't know if that's the first pigeon.

It might be one of many. I doubt it was the first pigeon. The first pigeon we've seen today. Didn't hear that bit, so that's why they don't. I didn't say it. I thought you were going to, yeah. No, it doesn't matter. I decided to take what you said, didn't qualify as a joke.

No, what you said didn't qualify as a joke. I made it a joke by comically misunderstanding. It was an observation. It's not really an observation, is it? What, saying this is the first pigeon I've seen? That's definitely an observation. No, but you just said that's the first pigeon, then you trailed off. which allowed me to get in and say,

I doubt that's the very first pigeon, therefore making me... Glad we're still talking about it, though. Well, you know... Oh, no, yeah. There you go. There you go. Yeah, the solution for all comedic fauxpars.

Do a Jimmy Saville impression. You should write a book. Paul's guide to being a great comedian. When in doubt, do that ho-w-ro-ho-ho-nois. Does your humour not travel? Try Jimmy Saville. It doesn't have to write. You'd write the book in prose.

It's like self-help. Being funny in Paris, try doing Rolf Harris. What else can I do? Who's another funny? Who's another funny nonce? Stu Hall. Yeah. Well, that's Stu Pot guy.

Sick of it all. Can't carry on and sick of it all. What an impression of Stuart Hall. Having some arguments, a bit of a tiff. Why not pretend to be Cyril Smith? Oh. Too soon. No, it's not. Really not for that big fucking.

Oh, look, it's cold. Horrible. Oh, and another little ringlet. We can have a bit where we go on the road, of it. Up and over. Up and over. Just keep going. Up and over.

Oh, it gets culverted severely here. There's a certain words I'm getting tired of saying on this journey. You're what I'm saying? Liminal culvert, moor hen, isn't the water clean? It is. We're going mad. This walks driving us a little bit mad. We haven't even had our self-cooking noodles?

No, we haven't had our shouts a secret. Okay. Fucking hell. You're shit in general, especially when it comes to keeping secrets. I'm not great at secrets. No, you're really not great at secrets. Oh, right, new river. Here we go. Right, okay, right, we're back on the road again. Where's this fucking thing? Oh, yeah, we're right here. I think we're going to be here. Oh, mate. Oh.

Yeah, we're right in the suburbs now, mate. We're right in the suburbs now. There's more green than gray on this map. Look at this. So we could, because we're in Clarendon Arch, whatever that means, Grange Park, Enfield Chase, Enfield Tang, which is just there. So somewhere here, we could have the thing. Or we got all this grassland here. Forty Hall. You want to do it now? You want to do it now?

Oh, we are close to Waltham Abbey, which is where I wanted to be. Yeah. So that's, you know, I might even go for Chesson. I don't know. We were starting Hornsey. We've done all right. We did that journey in a what? About five hours, I guess.

5.30 now. When did we start? 1.5.1. Yeah. Okay, so four hours. It's not bad, Edins. Let's see if we can find this park. Yeah. We actually have to leave the park here. Yeah, we are again.

All right, I'll tell you what, when you hear us next, there's a very good chance. We'll be settling down for noodles. God, you want to get the worst alpha Romeo car they had to make? Jesus Christ. Right, I don't know why I have an opinion

on cars all of a sudden. See in a bit. There's a park there. Right, so we're now. walking twixt two sides of bush hill golf course which you know some people say you know golf is a good walk ruined I would say golfing courses is a good piece of land ruined but them but there's just park ruined well yeah but so many people say oh yeah but without golf courses it would just be all

developed into houses and stuff like yeah no if it if you've been have you made it a park yeah not if you made it a park a public park where everyone can enjoy as opposed to a piece of land that at most maybe 50 People can enjoy it any one time or a hundred, I don't know, depending on the busy days and frequencies. Well, you know. I just fucking hate golfers. There's something about when people resign their lives to golf that makes me angry. It's like when I see people my age go, you know, I started doing golf the other day.

It's just great, isn't it? It's just great. I bought these really expensive clubs. I'm like, I hope you fucking fall on one. And it goes right up your chuffer. A glup. What did I say? Club.

Club? club yeah he said glove though you see this you need to check the words you're using you often use the wrong one and you've got to that stage paul where you don't even you don't even hear what you're saying anyway just i just point that out and that's why i always jump on you because you it's not just like oh i don't know anyway if i hope they fall on their club and it goes up there up there up their fucking tailpipe Yes, we're in an enclosed, but we've managed to stick to the path.

Yeah, weirdly. This is still officially the new river path we're on, but it diverts a lot from the course of the actual waterway. Yeah. Which must be underneath this golf course or running through the golf course maybe at the bottom. It's even potential that we're circumventing it completely, and this is just keeping you on the route for the pedestrian. Yeah, we don't know without checking the map.

No. And we'll have a little look at the map. Eli's going to check the map. Yeah, look. How long have we been walking for about five hours now? Right, where are we? We're right in there, where you said. Yeah, we're right in the middle of it.

The thing you said, look. And there's where the new river is. Is that the new river there? I don't know. We're going to find out soon because we're going to be coming up to it. No, it starts to get over here, you see, past Enfield. Well, maybe it... See, this is the new river.

See, New River? Yeah, no, no, you're right. It's way over there. So this is Endgame. Endgame. End field. Endfield Endgame But we want to go

We want to get past Enfield But we want to have these Secret noodles Before then, don't we? Well I was like we could do it here Unfortunately, they've stuck a big fucking golf course here They've paved paradise

And put up a golf course Well, they didn't have to pave it, did they? Astro Turf, I don't know, fucking something They ruined it They're real turf to play They real turf to place And turned it into a golf course Hey, it's not as good that version, love.

Do you want to rewrite it? See, that's Enfield. I can recognise these buildings in Enfield. I dare you to wait until we're about to shoot and then go, and then see if he fucks it up. Go on do it. Oh, look, he just knocked his ball out the way as if we weren't looking. You cheating, can't.

He's just practising. He looks like Ian Botham as well. Maybe he is. Did he die? No. Oh, he's got a terrible swing. You meant to keep that arm straight, mate. Oh, I'm telling you.

Look, who's been here before us? Ten foot. Crazy, isn't it? Maybe 10 foot did the new river walk. He must have. And I was like, I'll stick here. Crazy, isn't it? Everywhere you go.

What if it's... We can't ever get away from that tag. What if it's a copycat 10 foot? Someone who's just doing 10 foot's in his name. Why would you do that? Why would you do that as a graffiti writer? Because then you just copy 10 foot's tag, but that's like 10 foot has been there.

And then you don't. Maybe they think it's good to spread the word of 10 foot. No, no. And it's like it's an advertising kind of thing, almost. Or spread his leg. Or maybe he's like Santa Claus and has busy people helping him out when it's Christmas

and he can't be everywhere at once. I was actually shocked by that 10 foot tag there. It's like everywhere you go. It'd be like finding it in a library, almost. Yeah. Anyway.

What if you woke up one morning and the phrase 10 foot was tattooed on your penis? And overnight he'd tagged you. With a tattoo gun? Yeah. Hard to keep me asleep, I would have thought. He would have drugged you, I thought.

Okay, good, yeah. Yeah, I'd go to the police. I'd go to the police. Yeah? Yes. And you'd say 10 foot did this to my one foot. They'd say 10 foot and one foot. Sorry, I don't mean to. He sees the comedic impasse coming and he gets ready with his Jimmy Saville impression.

It's not an impression. It is a loving homage to his unique sound. First crows of the walk. Is it? Yeah. I saw a crow earlier. Well, it's your first crow. Yeah, this just goes right through...

Maybe we should do a song called The Ballad of Ten Foot. This goes right through the... The middle of this golf course. Yeah, no, it does. Right through the middle of it. This is very different from other parts of the path, isn't it? Yeah. We're in the sort of wooded...

A wood-ded tunnel? A wood-covered pathway. Yeah. A woodbine. It's very quiet, in it. Oh, God, I'm losing energy. are you, mate? When are we going to get to the end of this? I don't know. Every time I think we can get to a place where we can have those noodles, it always feels like it's intrusive.

Well, about up here, looks green up here. Yeah, hopefully. What about a bench? We could do a bench. I'm fine with benches. Lenny benches. There's no one even called Lenny Benchers. I don't know why I said that. I don't know why I said Lenny Benchers. Oh dear. We must be more than halfway through the park, though. This is quite a long path. That's what I told you. But there is something ahead.

We've got that big river. So hopefully we can prop ourselves up on a bench there, yeah? Oh, my word. All right, okay. All right, bear with us. We're going to find a place to park our weary bones. Is that housing? Oh, this is very confusing.

We'll see it a bit. Right, so here we are. We have found a bench. This is called Town Park, I think it was called. That's right. And it's a little park. Enfield Town. Yeah, Enfield Town, just outside Enthal Town.

And it's a little park right by the golf course. And we found a bench and lots of space in privacy. And so we are now going to owie, owie, fuck off mosquito. Oh! Prick, fucking ate mosquitoes. Did this country always have mosquitoes or recent things? I never remember it when I was a kid. You get them in the Arctic.

Do you? Yeah. You get mosquitoes all over the place. All over the place. Skiot is the worst fucking thing. Usually like if I accidentally kill like a bee or a wasp or an ant, I feel really bad. But mosquitoes, I feel like fucking Pol Pot.

It's just fucking wipe them out. Anyway, we are now going to have fish-flavored shredded meat pot, clay pot rice. Pol Pot rice? Fish-flavored Pol Pot rice. And this, oh yeah, I've got a letter, haven't I? I've got to get the letter out. Because someone got this, tried it out and said, I'm going to send you an Eli son.

Oh, you just poured yourself. some cherry. It's not, it's Blackberry Dr. Pepper. Blackberry Dr. Pepper. Let me read the letter. Dear Paul and Eli, please find and close two self-heating meals for your adventures.

Now, we're only going to have one because I'm not feeling hungry right now and I don't want to waste it and we're going to save it for a cheap shot. Remember to take a couple of bottles of water with you for the heat packs and cooking. Enjoy David and Lisa in Norwich. Thank you, David and Lisa in Norwich.

Thank you, David. David and Lisa in Norwich. We're just going to go for the fish-flavoured shredded meat clay pot rice. Yeah, we've said that a lot. Now, I want to mention this. There's an image of the thing on the front, obviously, to show you what it looks like.

But underneath it has this little sentence, which I think has been badly translated, but I love it. It says, this picture is for reference only. The specific object shall prevail. You know, it's like, shall prevail. What does it mean? It will be what it needs to be.

It will, the specific... Weird. I know, it's a bad translation. It's a weird translation. Yeah, it means, well, what it means is that the real object will look different. Yeah. But it shall prevail. It will be, the real object will be more real than this, this representation is what it's saying.

So the real, the realness of the object will prevail over the samalcrum of the image. Yes. Right, get cracking into it, because I've got the instructions here. Okay. Because I took a picture of it because it's quite tiny writing. and um it should also have a comma after fish flavored because i don't think it's the shredded meat that's fish flavored i think it's the whole thing you see what i mean oh fish flavored comma me shredded meat clay pot yeah right weird well i don't know where the fish flavor comes in or what

fish it's it will be like a salty fish they use salty fish to flavor these these clayport dishes i've had it before right it's like a preserved salty fish you know like a like an anchovy paste sort of that type of thing yeah You don't even know what I mean. No, I'm not also listening. Right, so these instructions... I'm literally getting eaten alive by these fuckers. I know.

I'm getting eaten alive by these fuckers. What would you like us to do about it right now? I have remembered to bring fucking bug spray, man. I never fucking remember. I'm getting eaten alive. Luckily, if we do any walks in the future, what with it being winter? They'll all be fucking dead.

So who gears? Cunts. Right, let me just move the camera here. All right. I've got the cling film. So I'm going to talk you through this, okay? I'm opening it. Wait, don't do anything until I give you your first instruction.

Open the packaging and pour the rice pack and package drinking water for cooking rice into the inner tray and stare evenly. There we go. Those two must be, right? So it says, oh yeah, you've got water in there. That's the inner tray. However, step two says remove something... We remove this, yes, we remove that. Packaging, heating bag and lay in the box

because you have to fill the other water with... You have to fill that with water as well. Okay, so let's do what it says first, right. But then it says do not add hot water. Okay, so then it says open the plastic packaging made. Can we just do this first? Let me just read it out and then you do the thing, all right? Because that way you don't overshoot it.

So open the plastic packaging of the heat pack, Place it at the bottom of the box, add cold water to the lower level of the box up to the water line. Ensure the water level submerges the pack. Pack heat, water for the heat pack needs to be prepared separately. Step three, do not open the dish pack. Place two packs of dish packs separately on the lid and under the box of the self-heating clay pot rice. Make sure not to block the ventilation hole. So you have to stack it and then put stuff on top of the lid.

lid for it to heat it on top of the lid and then four heat for 15 minutes then open the heated dish pack and pour it into the rice mix well enjoy delicious meal yeah it cooks in the pack the actual and then the lid also you is you right is a cooking thing are you okay for me to do the first step which is to put the rice and the water in this top tray yeah is that right I want you to keep referring to that so we don't fuck it up what's literally step one is open the packaging pour the rice pack and and packaged drinking water for cooking into the inner train stair evenly. Okay, so yeah, you're mixing the water and that rice into the pack.

It's small grain. It's small grain. Can you stop kicking the camera? I can't get eaten alive. They're crawling all over my lower leg. You keep kicking... I'm sorry. Well, you know...

You should be. Right. And then you pour the water in, stare evenly. Did you bring scissors? No, did you fuck. Well, you've opened it pretty well, right? So stop complaining. What am I going to stir it with?

I don't know. There's no fork, is there? Can you now admit that? There's no fork. Why did you think that? Because I thought I saw a fork in the box. Fucking hell, mate. We can't do it.

I told you, you said there's a fork in the box. You kept saying there's a fork in the box. There's no fork in this fucking box, mate. Well, have you got anything? You're completely wrong. Why didn't you bring one? Because I believed you. Because you asked me, where were you at your place?

And at that point, I even said you in the kitchen will bring a fork a fork if you want just in case so did you do that's your fault right so claiming okay but again gratuitously like claiming but did you Eli do my suggestion and bring a fork long just in case no right because you didn't listen to me so there you go he's staring it there we go I mean we've got to take a break anyway because it takes 15 minutes apparently to cook all this fine all right that's nice and stirred no do well it just needs to get what do I do next right step two step two step open the plastic packaging of the heat pack

place at the bottom of the box add cold water to the lower level you can have to shuffle up and put the ice water there all right that's fine so yeah take the heat pack out I guess take it all out for now how many packs are there oh there's a spoon I was right

fucking yes fucking yes I'd fucking knew it fucking knew it fucking knew it knew it. I fucking was right. I fucking saw a spoon, isn't it? You fucking cunt.

Brilliant. Oh, brilliant reaction, man. I've never seen someone react so. Violently. Victoriously for a spoon. Because you know what else is in factor, is a factor here. I worry I'm losing my fucking mind with old age.

And so I go, did I see a spoon? Did I not? trust my memory in sensors anymore oh man that really made my day now i think these two are the flavors okay and then that's the heat pack of the thing there so okay open the package packaging of the heat pack place it at the bottom of the box right i'm doing this add cold water to the lower level is this heat pack we think well there's no way of finding out i think it's because it's got like warning on it this must be the heat do you wait wait wait wait okay open the plastic packaging of the heat pack so open the packaging i don't know if that so is there a pack is there a heat pack in there

there okay so like that's the pack itself i don't think so no it's not this thing in here is the yeah it looks like a big hand warmer okay cool so add cold water to the lower level of the box up to the water line ensure the water level submerges the heat pack yeah there we go so we put it there wait wait water for the heat pack needs to be prepared separately so yeah don't put the heat pack in first put the water in first yeah and then drop it in because you want to make sure if it hits the fill line first before you put the pack in where's the fill line i don't know okay the fill line on that drawing can you have a look for me it's like there i think it might be close to the top it might literally be close to the top because it can't be completely in because you've

got to put the tray on on the top it's there it's the bottom of that yeah you're right it must be just where that little window shape is right let's fucking do this over me over you that's weird i'm not getting touched at all. I know they always love me. Right here we go. So it should submerge the whole. It will. It will. If it's up to there it will. Is that enough? Yes. Now do I put it in? Yeah, drop it in, I guess. Well, let me, tell you what, let me, do not open the dish pack, place two packs of dish packs separately. Okay, so it's basically boiling the bag for those two, so you're not opening them. No, I know. Okay, okay, cool. Put those on top, do I? So place two packs of the dish pack separately on the lid and

under the box of the self-heating clay pot rice so if you look at the image there so there's the water with the heat pack in and then there's your rice and we put that on top yeah yeah and then we close it yeah and then yeah you lay it on top of the rice all right you ready all right here we go yeah because we're going to say how do you activate it it must be when you add the water i don't think you put the water in first but anyway no it did say to because they said do that before you activate the peat pack and then you put this those foods on top of that and then put the lid on and then come back in 15 minutes steer it all together get the timer uh it's 10 past 6 we'll check it at 25 past oh is it bubbling can you hear it no that's someone

oh riding a bike oh yeah it was i got excited then i don't know if you have to seal the lid up though i don't know if that's not a good idea heat for 15 minutes and then open the heated dish pack and pour it into the right and mix well yeah so do it do place separately on the lid and under the box of the self-heating oh so under the box like literally underneath it like you see oh yeah you do you sit it under the box so it heats it both it says oh really okay so i think you put it there yeah you put it under oh yeah it's bubble is it bubbling because i think the heat's going to come down and heat it that way right let's have a quick look at this is it doing anything oh look it is Look at that! It's doing bubbling! Oh my god!

Oh fucking hell, that got a fucking... It's a chemical reaction once it starts. Look that! Bubbly bubbly! Wow! Cool, 15 minutes of that! Cool! Alright, in that case I guess we leave it to her.

Is the heat going to go through those ones on the bottom? That's what it says to do. Alright. Because it said to put it under the box. Yeah. Yeah. Because I guess if you put it under the rice, it wouldn't really eat it down. I don't know.

Well, guess I have to see. I mean, the rice will be hot enough anyway, right? Right, there you go. It's bubbling away. Is it really meant to be underneath? Mate, do you want to reread it again and see for yourself and see what you think? Because, honestly, judging by that image,

you see there, dishpack, and then one there. So maybe one goes on. I think they both go on top, then. I don't know. It's not easy. I don't understand. It hasn't placed two.

packs of dish packs separately on the lid and under the box of the self okay so one on top and one on the bottom right got it so one on top one on the bottom and it cooks that way all right cool well i tell you what we'll come back in 15 minutes and see what happens we don't know it's 15 minutes of this heat pack thing boiling the water so we'll see the guy who tried it the set the video said it was fine so gets us give it 15 minutes yeah yeah we'll see you in 15 minutes we can have a little chill now oh the sun's coming out there's nice i don't want to do any blasts what do you mean you don't want to do any more of the walk i'm fucking feeling it mate i've got this sense of exultation i should have worn trousers yeah you should have

do you want to borrow my jacket or something to keep you warm oh that's fine i've got a jacket oh don't be a baby let's get through enfield town and then see what we get to and then maybe just get a bus home or something right big wingy baby i thought we were going to go far out into the hinterlands but looks like someone we've reached enfield yeah that's what we said i said my mission was to get to at least infield and we've done it that's enfield town's centre that's Enfield council yeah town hall rather so all right well then big boy baby back out we'll get back out baby we'll go a bit further let's just get to a point where I lose interest and then we'll go because right now

I'm all in you know I wasn't there at the beginning I was like ah fuck this fuck this not interested but now I'm all in now I'm living on the edge what's my watch just do right okay see in a bit everyone while we wait for this to go we've got another 10 minutes you mix it all together in the pot and then eat it yeah but how do you stop it from boiling you don't you just take the finger and it will just slowly stop after a certain amount of time i guess all right like seeing a bit everyone right right it has been everybody about yeah just over 15 minutes now and so we are going to get into this let me film this on my phone so can't be off to get my 360 out for this bit so here we go i'm going to

do my best to film eli and record the podcast at the same time multitask ganons me okay are you ready now what did you find the process of making it pretty straightforward even with the bad translation yeah there was a bit of confusion of where we put the sauce packs so to speak but i can feel this heat the heat is transferred right into that pack i can feel it yeah um see oh yeah no not that don't feel that feel the bottom pack thing see it's gone in there oh yeah it's gone in there so it might not be piping but it's hot enough i mean it's should be piping right so are you ready yeah i'm ready here we go ely's uh taking the top off now i need to get this out somehow use your knife use your little penknife and flick it out there you go clever old ganon hey coming at

all the answers and then what do i do this you you mix all that oh oh that's all nicely done look at that it's quite nicely done anyway wow that's so cool it either wow so you literally just oh no you pour the excess water out don't you by the sides well yeah because you're only eating the pack you can just take the the the top part out and then just yeah see there's little yeah there you go lift it out that way put it on bench then you can get rid of that for the moment And then you just literally pour those two packs into the rice and steer. How do we open these? Use your penknife or, you know, isn't there a tear line or anything?

No, I can... Yes. Once again, Gannon got it right. Can you stop, please? What, being right? Yeah, it is kind of hard. Oh, shut up. Right.

I'm a bit off camera at Mike as well, but I... Here's the first... I wonder if this is... Right, that's the... Is that the sort? As it looks like, bits of obegene in there, mushroom. Not mushroom for that. There's mushroom and, yeah, I think it's fungus

and little bits of pickled sliver cabbage. All right. And we won't be leaving our detritus here. We have got a bin bag with us this time and that will be sorted accordingly. Hopefully we get the meat. This looks quite appetising, it has to be said. Yeah, it doesn't look.

I mean, you know, what everyone would say about the ingredients themselves, but it doesn't look shit. Right, he's pouring what I think is the beefy bit now. No, they're both the same. just split over two that's the whole lot yeah they're split over two so you can do the efficient heating if you see what I mean yeah because you get more surface area if it's split you see what I mean so all right and we're ready to go right so you mix it all round have a sniff very savory very savory smell right I can't see any meat because that's the

meat that's like a shred of meat that looks pretty processed doesn't it so I'll start there anyway I never know he always pulls a funny face and then he goes I really like this yeah spicy sweet very umami as you'd expect the rice is cooked yeah a little bit of meat there that's really good there you go it's all right I don't know how much these cost though but I think he said they were quite costly at least like six quid yeah at least it'd have to be but this is honestly this is much better than anything you could do with a kettle. I mean, it's definitely better than a fucking pot.

You could do it with a kettle. You could just boil all this in the bag, couldn't you? Yeah. But... I mean, effectively, it's like travel boil in the bag, isn't it? Amazing, though. Mm. There's no fish in this.

You're sure you don't want a little taste? No. Just on the off chance, because I'm not sure. And weirdly, half the ingredients of this were covered by the artwork of what it looks like. So I was kind of like... It says fish flavoured, but it's very faint. It's not very fishy to the taste.

It's quite a good flavour. It's quite a good flavour. It's quite a good flavour. Flavor mate? Yeah. Mm, that's cheered me up, that is. All right, good. Well, maybe it will stoke your fire a little bit for us to carry on walking.

Yeah. But I'm going to leave you to eat. You guys are going to enjoy it? Go on, out of ten. No, out of five, we always do five. Out of five, what are you going to give it? You know what? It's so hard to judge because of what it is.

Because I've never had. I don't know how to... Obviously, it's not restaurant quality. No. It's not... It doesn't feel like it come out of can, though, either. It feels nicer than that. Yeah.

It tastes nicer than that. The flavour's pretty good. The rice is not. nice and hot. I mean, just judge it on effort to make and then quality. It's good. I'll give it an 8 out of 10 or something. I'll make that a 3.5 out of 5 then. Maybe 4. Now I'll give you 4 out of 5 as a translation. That's actually some good flavour going. There you go 4 out of 5 then or 8 out of 10 whatever you want to say. I'm surprised how well the rice came out I'll be honest with you because it didn't need steering or anything. I've got to stop talking into the camera and

then into the mic and I'm very confused. You did have to stir the water it came with. Perhaps that's a special thing in the water it came with. I don't know. I don't know. You'd put water in the pack and also say you need water from outside if there weren't two different types of water. Oh yeah, why did they have special water pack? Because it's a special amount.

It's a measured amount in that pack that goes exactly with the rice to give it the exact... You see what I mean? Absorption. Yeah. Because the rice is all about getting the water right when you cook rice. Yeah. So it all just absorbs, but there's not too much.

You see what I mean? That's the way... It's the way the rice is cooked, I'd say. Right. Well, well, Well, we're going to chill now for a couple of minutes before we do our last little punt of a walk and see how far we can fathom. I'll leave Eli to eat. I'm going to have a cup of coffee and a bit of a smoke. And I think you'll join us a little bit further on. Along the new river. Along the new river. I will hopefully get as much as we can before the light goes.

Get as much as we can done. Yeah. A more of the new river walk. Yeah, let's try and get as much as we can done. But for now, it is time to relax. Oh, I forgot to film that. Bollocks. There's fungus in this. Right, hello, everyone.

We are back on the pathway. We are coming out of the park. And see, there's two pathways here. There's that one that goes over there and then this one here, which goes along the side of the park. So I'm thinking we go along that side of it. This is all about the wildlife. Look, bats.

you know you might see some bats because it's getting a little bit dark may fly roach and pike live in the main new river maybe we saw little roaches oh no it's got may flyer I don't know what they are but they look like them don't they there's a grey wag tail it's hard to know they were very indistinct fish we saw so where there he's working on it there look that's where we are and I think that path there goes that way but I'm suggesting we go this way okay yeah all the way to here yeah let's do that start of the new

River Loop there. Let's do that. Let's end. Yeah. And it goes around the back of Enfield Town Center. So we'll stop at the start of the new River Loop. Which is this. There must be the loop.

I don't understand. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It comes to the end of the walk. It's been a good walk. It has actually. It's been a weird kind of almost schizophrenic walk. I had a self-heating fish flavoured, shredded meat, clogue pot. And it was actually pretty good.

Not bad, eh? and as I suspected there was no real fish in there what they do is they use fermented salted fish as a sort of background flavourer yeah and it flavours the whole thing it gives it a real imami

saltiness and that fucking dog that ran up and it had its eyes on your dinner its snout was a couple of inches away I saw the kind of eager desperation in its face is like it twisted its head through the back

of the bench armrest try and get at it I saw it out of like that perhaps his head was compressed by the so he couldn't get his jaw open to snatch it. It would have. It made a tactical error. I just saw its eyes. It had intent in its eyes. No, no, this side. It's what I'm saying. This is the side we need to go on. Because this will take us away and this is the one we're going to do over. Oh, we are here. So that must be down

that way. Yeah, so we're going to go up this way. The walking trail. That's the end of the new river loop. I don't understand. Where did we come from? Down there. We came from up there. From across there. So that's through the golf course. Well, that's for the golf course, remember. So that's why it's not showing up. Right. New River Loop. There we go. It's a whole bit of it called the loop around here well this must be the loop then we're on the loop super loop super new river loop super new river loop hey did you know they've opened a new super loop bus but it's like it goes along the bakerloo line apparently so it's one of those internal well that's not a loop then is it no it's not part of the main loop put it that way no oh it's like

a pond here i think they're just calling buses that skip a load of stops super loop buses now that just seems to be the story one scheme isn't it so they're keeping the keeping the brand. I'm fine with that. And I like the multicoloured the rainbow rondles on the top of Superloop bus stops. It's cool.

I do, I mean, it's a weird thing to kind of gush over but like I do love this colour scheme of the Superloop buses which might be one of the saddest things I've said out loud. Oh, come on. We live in London.

One of the big best things about it is the public trance. It is, yeah. The public transport, mate. I mean, even when we went to L.A., which even when I lived there, barely had anything close to resembling working public transport and it's improved since then but even by that margin no it's like trust me when

i live there i couldn't get a train from like the beach yeah to you know to hollywood no that line we went down to santa monica the e line the e line that was new wasn't it that was new that wasn't yeah well you know comparatively new but then since it was initially made it's only about 10 years but since it was initially made there was almost no new investment into it which is why it feels like it was built in the 70s it has got this weird vibe and if you miss a train you you're there for half and out with potentially dangerous weirdos on the platform with you.

But I mean, apart from like, you know, the kind of North Hollywood end once you got into kind of like... It was pretty fine, but like those first early stops are just, A, not particularly welcoming, especially if you're a tourist. No, they're not.

And B, you know, crackheads. And people taking poos on the trains. Or at least shitting themselves on the train. But I didn't smell any shit, I smell constant poo And now on this dog, on this trip you've smelt nothing but dog

But not nothing but dog But there were a certain moments Along this walk When the scent of dog egg I've never seen you closer to puking No, but that was the water stink Oh look at this Oh there's loads of

You've got a moor hen Mallard and pigeon All in a row See if they can live together Why can't we? I don't know I'm just having a laugh It's been nice to

Have a bit of wildlife as well see a bit of the wildlife in London. What have we seen? Mallards. We've done this list, mate. Let's not do another. No, come on. What have we seen?

We've seen mallards, mosquitoes, dogs, cheeky dogs after our dinner. Magpies, crows. Magpies, crows. A cat. Black cat, ginger cat. He said a load to me that little cat. Yeah, I know, because black cats are lovely and everyone should love a black cat. I do prefer a black cat myself.

But I don't see colour when it comes to cats. I love them all the same. Just so you know. this is a very mossy river pond it's like the stagnant part of the new river it's like a pond fed fed on both ends fed on both ends

just like Eli's dream last night you were fed at both ends weren't you I wasn't involved in the action but you were watching it so you were in the scene watching it or were you like not in the scene just viewing it as like a god's eye kind of thing it was really surreal

I mean it was a dream but Yeah. No, I had a god's eye, sort of. I just, it was just something I was witnessing. It wasn't like in the dream you were in the room in a chair watching them. Kind of. Wanking off. Stroke in it. I wasn't.

It wasn't like that. It was really transgressive. Were they German? No, they didn't. Anyway, it was weird. It was like they were dead. Okay, that's added a whole fucking other unsettling layer to this. I decided to put a button on and not go any further.

It's funny, take a picture of how green this little part of it is. because, you know, how many people have made the mistake thinking that's grass or whatever, thinking it's like and when it goes straight in? I'd argue a few buzz bombs helped make that decision. Buzz balls even, sorry. Buzzballs are the Alka Pop of the summer. And I saw...

We were on it. Hey, mate, I was on the tube coming home from work or going in... No, coming home from work. Was it a young woman of colour? It was a young woman of no colour. I mean, she was white. It wasn't like invisible. Yeah, she wasn't in fine.

No, but... A young white girl. mate can i just not even on her own she looked happy enough but she had one those mega ones to herself and was she drinking from it yeah no that's not acceptable i know it's not acceptable because you see i've seen photos of them and i thought oh it's just like a three-time size one it's a full bottle they cost 30 quid it looks like it looks like a fish bowl yeah it looks like a fish ball it's a full of it's a it must have like you know 20 units of alcohol in it or whatever the thing is i can imagine the marketing is oh you got fuzzers on you

Don't, I take a photo. Oh, yeah, take a photo. You got fuzz. I thought that was a... How did you get them? Pratt pillar. Must be brushing me. Oh, yeah, you must have brushed against it.

Can you press the button on my... Oh, go on one sec. Well, how about you just give me the phone full stop? Because I can't reach it, so just give me the phone. Christ. Right, here we go. Why have you zoomed in that much? That's weird.

Zoom out, then. You need to keep steady. Here we go. Right, I'm going to zoom out. I think you zoom in too much. I think what you need to do, mate, if you're being honest, is take it full screen and then crop it. yes i know i know sometimes i zoom in it because digital zoom gives it gives it a kind of weird blooming to some of the detail i don't know that anyway what's my point sometimes i'm just trying to get some details from difficult positions

sorry i want to go back to my point of i reckon those mega bowls were sold with the idea of a couple of girls can all chip in and put straws in yeah you know what i mean drink from one however you'd need at least four or five to make it worthwhile though and if you had half of one yourself you'd be totally pissed you know, puke-pies. There's the stagnant water stink. So stagnant. Oh, it's spicy. It's like fucking copper pipes in me nose.

Oh, but it is. Can you smell it? Can you not smell like the watery rust of it? Yeah. And maybe I'm really sensitive. Maybe I'm pregnant. I don't know, but I'm really sensitive to it right now. It's a bad, for me, it's a bad egg smell.

It's like a sulphur smell. No, you're right, it's sulphur. Now that you say that, that's what it is. But still, it's a lot. It's got that kind of rusty water pipe thing going on. Is this something we can acknowledge? I'm good at tasting stuff. Yeah, can we?

I was wrong about the spoon being in the thing. Totally wrong. But... But we can all agree to differ, can't we? No. So here's the thing, though. Those big ones only work in that share way because I think even drinking one of the small ones

by yourself is a challenge. I don't think they're nice. I don't think they're particularly like flavorful. It's just that big ethanol hit. They're boozy. boozier than a lot of the other stuff in the market. In fact, I was reading that article. A lot of those brands have taken their ABV, their alcohol content down because of pressure from

the, because of pressure from sort of, you know, what they perceive as pressure from the sort of, you know, society or whatever. Because, so they used to, for example, Hootch used to be, he used to be really high in the movie. He used to be six or something and now it's like 3.5. Yeah, it's a piss. much. I mean, to be honest, the only appeal of drinking Hooch back in the day in the 90s

and Alka Pots became a thing was because it was cheap, tastes like lemonade, and it got you wrecked. I mean, no one bought it for the subtle nuances or the flavoury, lemony. And they're not buying their buzz balls for that either. They're paying it because it's cheap and gets you fucked on one or two of them. Yeah.

Although, did you see on Twitter as well? Someone went to Crystal Palace. Crystal Palace. Where we did the Diard episode? Yeah, Crystal Palace Park. And they also went to the same locations we went to and drank the buzz bombs. As a homage to our episode. Well done you. But they were saying, yeah, they

struggled to drink one or two of them. So they took their hats off to us and managing to fucking get through six. They couldn't get through him. No. Oh, look at this is their little weird pipe tunnel. Yeah, this is part of the ring. Why is it stagnant? Because parts are stagnant.

And parts are flow. I guess. There's loops, there's little loops and this is one of the loops. So it's sort of a stagnant look. I'm just a bit surprised. So where do you go now?

Now we're in Enfield. Where's the path go? That way. Yeah. All right, let's go that way. Right. Let's join it. But I think we're in the final throws of this walk.

Let's see how we go. I'm going to cross here. Right. Okay, we are here. Oh, we've still got quite a long way to go then. Yeah. Oh, okay. I thought we were right near the end,

but no, we're on the Chase Green Gardens, the Royal Connection, part of the Enfield New River Loop Trail. We're going from the end. We're doing it the wrong way around. We're going from the end to the beginning. That's how we like to do it on Cheap Show, though. Start at the bottom and work our way up to the top, but start with the top down.

Shakespeare was alive when they finished building this... Oh, yeah, he would have been. The new river. Isn't that funny? Yeah, it's ancient. That puts in perspective how old it is. Medieval rights of pannage allowed commoners to fatten their pigs on the forest acorns and beech nuts,

gathering firewood and hunt rabbits. Older than support. Cathedral and Buckingham Palace. What is this? The new river. How funny. There remains an engineering triumph. Yeah.

Especially for this period. And it still brings fresh water into London. After 400 years. Crazy achievement. And there's the bridge there that's just up that way. See there, behind us. The Jeffcott Iron Bridge. Yeah, it's right behind us there.

It's one of the first iron bridges, I guess, then. It's a very early iron bridge, yeah. Public campaign, preserve the loop, wildlife being lost, heritage fund, 97, good. Blah, blah, blah. Broken up pass of land. Yeah, oh, how weird. All right, well, let's crack on then.

I honestly thought, can you spot a large sundial nearby? Yeah, there you go. And next kid's question, is it telling the correct time today? I don't know, it's overcast now. The intricate design of the post holding up the gnomon or pointer. What does I say gnomon? Gnomon. Nomin or pointer?

That's what that thing's called, the pointer on a sundar. It's called a gnomon. You say the g? I'm not a gnomon. Gonomeno I don't know How shall I say? pronounce that.

Genoma. Oh, I've got these birds on me still. Yeah. It's well sticky. Feel it. Ugh. Oh, get off. They're really sticky.

They're very at how they saw you their seed. We're going to lose the light here. I need to know how, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Yeah, that's pronounced genomen. Because otherwise, if you said it into it,

it would already be easy, you know what I mean? I'm not going to say it in. Just saying it. Sings are strange. G-N. I'll spell it again for you. Where is it? Hang on.

G-N-O-M-O-N. God. Right, pronounce, just press the enter button and it will just do what? You don't need to do it, just do that, yeah. And then press the little speaker. No-M-M-O-M-M-O-G, you don't pronounce the G. No-M-M-N.

No-M-M-N. What? Hey. Hey, yeah. There we go. Go on. Do you want to come and have a spliff? No, mon.

Hey, me, I'm having, I'm having none of you that. Non-de-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Non-year allowed in here. What did the... Sheesh. No, this is the build-up to that. Go on. There's a lion and a witch and a wardrobe.

There's a line and a witch. Trying to get into a wardrobe. No, they're the bouncer. at a nightclub called The Wardrobe. Right. Mine up for the shit. Yeah? Lying in a witch.

Yeah. They're standing outside a nightclub called the wardrobe. Yeah. Someone comes in. Someone comes along. Yeah. A whole group of people come along. Yeah.

Can we go in? And they go, nine a year coming in. Yeah, there we go. Mate, it's genius. Well, no, when you say it like that, you ruin all the energy behind the gag. Yeah. Paul, I tell you what?

Which way do we go? Do we cross the bridge? Or do we stay on this side? Oh, I just want to go. go on the bridge. No, it's fine. Rift-Jetkott Bridge. Yeah.

I just want to go over it. Yeah, I think we do go over it. Do you know? No. Don't know. I'll tell you what, I took a picture of the map. So anyway. Hang on, yeah there.

Paul, hang on. Oh, inconclusive. I think we do go up this road. Yes, we do. Paul. So my wife, right? Yeah. She's always trying to spice things up in the bedroom, yeah?

Yeah. She goes to me She goes Can I stick my finger up your ass? I go, yeah She goes I'm sensing the butt

Yeah Yeah, you I'm always so confused When you do the same gag twice And expect better results Yeah but the mystery's gone It's an art form

I need a piss so bad I had a great big piss in the woods A great big Yeah Did you say great big I had a great big piss In the little woodlet He said it was like a dirty

bad one or something. No, I didn't say dirty, bad, piss. You said, oh, a real bad, dirty one. Hardly came out. I said I had... No, I didn't... And it splashed all over, I can see. It splashed all over you, man.

You're covered in pitts. Stop, shh. Yeah, I know, why are you getting weird? This is a very posh street, and you're screaming piss and shit. And I'm having non-y of that. But I'm sensing a butt. Here we go. I made it work.

He didn't. This is a little pretty street, though. It's beautiful, isn't it? If I read the Daily Mail, I'd love to live here. There's a little blue plaque there. Oh, yeah, what does that say? Barnaby, the cat. Aw, 2011 to 2021.

Oh, that actually breaks my heart. They gave a little blue cat to their lovely cat. Blue plaque to their cat. Now, we stay on this. This is where that path of the led us round back to. So, yeah, much of a muchness. All right, well, we're going to carry on walking as we get dangerously close to the end of this surprising walk.

we've done today. How many steps have I done now? Let me have a look. 26,000 apparently. You started on three and a half. Yeah, when I got to yours, yeah. Right. A walking we will go. Look, that house has its own bridge. Oh, it's posh round here, mate. They don't like the likes of us around here. They're fine. Scali wags and roused about. They don't like us. It's a parplick path. And there's a big posh pub there. That bridge says 1841 on it. Do you think that was right to something to do a 10 foot? It's like, oh, have you had the tagger at 1841?

That's a posh pub. Oh, I don't like it around here. It's too posh. Yeah, I know, we're going here. Right, on we go. Right, bronze figure outside the Civic Centre, where I think they've factored the river into it. They must have, right? Yeah, this is the...

Yeah, isn't that funny? Yeah. It's basically they've factored the river in and around the buildings that they've put up here, including the Civic Center. This bronze figure, in the form of a smiling cherub boy holding a fish, was discovered at the Albany School in Belle Lane, Enfield 2014. It was probably cast in the 1930s by Morris Singer, the internationally renowned bronze factory, spaced in Westminster, London. Morris Singer also cast the lines in Jophaga Square.

There you go. We take a picture of that? And I'll take a picture of Eli taking a picture of that, because that's what we do on Cheap Show. What time is it now? 7.30 and we're on the last gasps of this walk. How many... The scientific centre, Paul.

Yes. built in a particular architectural style. What is it? Brutalism. Is it brutalism? Is it tediously predictableism? predictable brutalism, Eli. Look, here's where the river continues.

Here. Oh, I? Let's go around here. How many steps have I done? I wish on my glasses. 26.000. It is actually quite a million steps. Is it? Yes. I mean, it's functional.

Look, this is the thing. This is the difference between you and me. You see something in this. I don't. That's always going to be the case. Undercroft there. Oh, what a dirty bit of undercroft. You know what?

I like a bit of Undercroft, Eli. That's great. Look at those beams, the concrete beams. Aren't they great? And this, look. No, yeah, great. Brick work here. I love that.

I love that metal fence work with the spiky bits. You will never understand. It's great. Undercroft. Oh, concrete. Oh, suit you. Suit you. Suit you. Suit you, sir.

Stop doing the fast show. Suit you. All right, I'll get my coat. There, da, da, da, da, da, bum. Non-year are coming in here. All right, you do that then. Why is it every time you have to recall, I have been taking place? You're the one who brought it to the table.

Go down there behind the bush. That's perfect. Go there. You'll be fine. Oh, maybe not. There's a pathway. Oh, maybe. I don't know, mate.

I don't know. All right, you do that. I'm going to get to go up this step. I don't know. Right, so, okay, we're out here. Now what? The river's going underneath here somewhere. I'll be honest, after the picturesque kind of

Enfield Town, back-roads pub kind of thing, the last few minutes of this is very kind of boring. There's no real signage as well, so I don't know where we're gone. We've just come round the Civic Centre. Oh dear. for anyone interested or you know wondering about the whole Eli pissing thing I have decided it is only in good taste to stop doing that from now on it was funny once or twice but now it's you know

got to move on we've got to mature haven't we we got to grow up on Cheap Show every now and then let me just check this Matt one more time because I'm getting to this point where I'm like okay Southbury Road what's this is this Southbury Road there's a sign here I think this might be the end mate I'm honestly

very confused by this map your map and that street sign and it's creating quite the underwhelming finale to this walk because it's saying we walk up this way it's actually saying we walk up this way if Willow Road what do you want to find you want to find the end point

I would like to find a nice end point for us to go oh here's the end yeah it goes under here so it goes under there but it's going it's saying it's going along the road so it's actually turning this way oh maybe it does well that's what it's suggesting well let's have a look shall we well what this road's not on here i'm just i'm just presuming we go up here and then turn it's just a magnificent building this doesn't feel like a finale this just feels like a back street idea what this little road's called because it doesn't say it on the map this kind of feels like a low-key ending mate what means you repeat yourself every end of every old podcast we've ever

done you haven't been able to finish you can't just can't get it up mate you can't get it I can't keep it up I know you're gonna just shut up why are you getting angry all of a sudden because you just your obsession on the ending having to be this magic thing oh I'm not saying it has to be a magic thing but it has to be something that my mental I can do some closure for what oh super alleyway oh between the houses oh spooky though in it I'll take a picture of that I think we've gone the wrong way I'm thinking we've gone the wrong way I'm not sure feel like we've gone the wrong way No road around there, say Southbury

and I don't know where we are no more and I want my mum I think we go down this road mate because I think we're meant to have gone down that pathway by the church and then come out at the bottom because I think because basically the route ends by Enfield Town Station

there it is to see what on my map that's it so yeah we'll go up here hopefully get another glimpse of the yeah i would like to get one less glimpse of our fear yeah it's the end and then we take a take a left at the end by the way everyone uh i've just cut out about six minutes of us getting lost on a cordisac so we're racing towards the finale the finale now that i think it's going to be quite magical and special you're a piece of shit why you're being so nasty you've had a good walk i know we've had a good walk i was right about the spoon in the box i was right about most directions we went to go in

you were not i was mainly mainly we've been weaving do you know what it is it's like we've been stitching through northwest london yes it is like stitching with a needle yeah threading in and out of the new river along this route but that that kind of repetitive cyclical sequence did come to an end didn't it when we got up to the park in enfield yeah you know it's been very different and that was a much needed respite from the weaving yeah the weaving little bit of the river little bit of street over a street other side of the river this is it here coming through is it here no on the left i know but is it all oh not a car park i thought that was a bridge i know but i wasn't talking about what you were talking about i was talking about what i thought

was a bridge to the right what what mate what i don't know you get so upset about i'm enjoying this walk you're the one is getting all grumpy at the sudden Nouveau house it says so it must be art Nouveau yeah that's what I'm suggesting they're similar aren't they they're related but I would say looking at it wouldn't you say that Deco oh yeah look there's the river there's a little bridge and there's buses yeah and you know what this looks like the kind of place you'd end an episode right let's end it on the bridge let's end it on the bridge mate hey here we go

Right, we're in Enfield town, the station's just there, and here's the new river, and the bridge dos cross it. We got there in the end. I think we were meant to do it a street earlier, but fuck it got there in the end. This will do. Mate, there's a skeevy kid on a bike talking to his girlfriend about sex tonight. Really? Yeah, literally, he said, come on, come on, can I have some if I come over? So it's either drugs or sex or food.

What else could be? No. Can I have some? If I called you at one, if I come over, can I have some? What would you think I meant? Drugs. It would be Willie. It would be Willie time.

This is it. Look, but look, someone's left the gate open, mate. So I am calling our ending here, right at the bank of the new river. Wow, it keeps going. It keeps going up that way. Now, Paul, do you... Along the road. Do you be interested in doing some more of it?

Yeah. At a later date. Well, we'd have to get the train up here or something, and then... Yeah. Keep going off. Yeah. So how about that? How about next year,

one of our early walks of next year, like we did with the Selendine. Another section. We'll do the next section of the new river heading further out of London. We won't be able to get the whole 40 kilometres up to where. I would like to give it a good old British try and see how far out we can get.

I think that's a valid thing to want. Wow, London's big, eh? I mean, this is the outskirts, but it still feels like... Well, it's because the London buses always remind you. that you're not too far away from, you know. Talking of London buses, how are we going to get out of here?

Don't know, I haven't thought about how we're going to end this. We still need to do a quick video sign off, but I'll do it on my phone, not the 360. Okay. Hey, so I just do some admin, then we can get the fuck out of here. Cool, thank you for listening to Cheap Show this week. We have walked some of the middle section, early middle section, of the new river that starts, officially where does it start?

Officially it starts in Clarkinwell, I think, towards Sadler's Wells. Okay. And we are now in Enfield Town in northwest London. That's right. And that's where we're ending this part of the route. Not northwest. If you enjoy... What is it?

North. Yeah. It's just North London. If you enjoyed... If you enjoyed this episode and you want us to do another segment of it early next year, comment, reply, get in touch with us. Tell us what you think on all the social media. But hey, look, long story short, you're on stop shop for all Cheap Show stuff is our website,

the cheap show.com. If you head there, there are links to all of our social media, all of our episode guides, all of our videos, links to tickets for the live show 18th October to celebrate 10 years of Cheap Show at the Live Show as part of Cheerfully Hereful Podcast Festival. Patreon supporters, we love you. Thank you. And if you'd like to join that number

and get access to podcasts and videos behind the scenes, stuff in magazines every once in a while, and early access to tickets and things like the albums and stuff like that, Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. That's it. That's the admin. Right. What should we do next? Well, I tend to just keep.

get on a bus and go into the night. But I know that's not practical. Well, you should look at your device and look at the app that tells you where to get home on. To get home by. There's no, there's an overground nearby. So just have a look at your map, babe. Oh, do it.

Hi, babe. Hey, babe. It's like baby and mate. That's what you are to me. Hi, bait. Your lover and a friend. Oh, I like this. Get the kids using it.

Hey, bait. No, because bait is, means blatant. Doesn't it? Does it? Yeah. He was well bait. He was very blatant. What if you're my younger, best mate friend?

Would you be my master bait? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Jimmy Saville. No, that's not a Jimmy Saville. That's more Woody Woodpecker. I'll give you Woody Woodpecker, but I will not give you Jimmy Saville. Do a combination. No, do.

You know, you know that? He goes a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Do that, but with the, now that's Elvis. You know what I'm getting at. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, that's Elvis? No, it's not. Now you want me to do Jimmy Saville doing.

Jimmy Saville doing what he would put in. Oh, okay, bear with me. Is that what you want? That's good, man. That's how we're ending this week's episode. See you next week, everyone. Bye. Adendum to this week's

Addendum to this week's podcast. Last week, Eli accused me of making a theme up. I went, nah-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- Right? And so someone said to me, it's the challenge-anica theme. And I was just like, Eli, in the room, come, you come here right now. I'm not, listen. You come here right now.

It goes like this. This is the challenge Anika theme. And I'm proving Eli once again that I was right and he was wrong. I'll put this rainbow record on. Anyway, you get the point of that. This is once again an example of Paul Gannon being absolutely right. What? You've got something to add?

Okay, you're all right about everything? All the time, everything. Thank you. That's all that. Good night. Every disagreement. Goodbye. Goodbye.

That's this week's episode done. Goodbye. You're such a knob joy. A knob joy. But I'm a knobjoy. Always right. Always. Always. Always.