CheapShow - Ep 455: Helm's Deep

Episode Date: September 26, 2025

Special Guest: Nick Helm For some reason, Nick Helm was keen to come back on to the podcast and, well, who are Paul and Eli to deny him the experience of more economy comedy catastrophe? In a more than chunky episode, Nick is subjected to numerous rants, mindless meltdown moments of madness and wade through his fair share of tat. Eli has come prepared with a bag of goodies, and quite possibly the worst joke he’s ever told in the podcast’s history. We genuinely apologise in advance. Even though Eli has brought trinkets and spicy noodles for Nick, Paul has crafted a JAWS themed “Price of Shite”, packed with shark based items to investigate and evaluate. Your ears may not be prepared for the next TWO hours! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-455-helm-s-deep SEE US LIVE: Oct 18th @ The Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival 2.30pm, London https://cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com/festival/cheapshow---live-from-cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-18th-oct-2025-tickets Watch Our 450th Episode Celebration YouTube Live Stream! https://youtube.com/live/ErCEZo6V3AE?feature=share And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Are we doing a Frankenstein episode? No, we're not doing a Frankenstein episode. We're going to do it together from old episodes? Can I just do my bit? Yeah, this podcast is like Frankin's stitched together. I'm just going to do my bit in case anyone's listening that wants to cast me as the monster. Yeah, go on, go on. And action.

Oh, oh. Oh. Moh. Maw. Maw. That was a really good warm up. Now do the voice. There we go on.

Go on Nick, you can be Frankenstein's monster. Now go on, give us your best impression. She hate me. I didn't know we were doing actual vocalizations. That's what he says. He says that in Bride of Frankenstein, isn't it? Because she hates him. I have never seen Bride.

What? What? I'd love to, apparently... You've got to see all the brides. Better. Chucky, Reanimator, Frankenstein. Yeah, that's the great Bride trilogy. I think I've seen Bride of...

I haven't seen any of the Brides. Speaking of which, thank you for my album, guys. Our pleasure. We've got the Cheap Show LP there for our guest. Yeah. Number 90 in the Scottish charts. I love it. I specifically asked for it and I will pay.

Do you, what kind of equipment or setup you're working with in terms of vis-a-vis playing the old platters, the old vinyl, the old... I got myself a really fucking incredible high-fi system. Really? With the surround sound in like 2015-16. I had loads of money and I bought this thing and it had surround sound but I moved house in 2019

never reset it up so I got one of them cheap little ones that does everything in one yeah got a tape deck on it as well oh like a oh but that you've got it's second hand

no no no it's not second hand oh god one of those crosslies that have a built in tape record I've got a wood oh that sucks that sucks Nick does record does Bluetooth

does tapes you've made the high-fi snob in me a very unhappy man well you know I literally had this amazing hypha. It doesn't sound like shit. That's not going to do justice to our fucking LP. Do you know what sounds like shit?

Do you know what that sounds like shit? Having Seram sounds but not having plugged it in for six years. Plug it in, please. It's the best of, it's not a case of plugging it in, is it? It's like getting the wires and like getting up some like wire strippers and then connecting it. I'm not doing that. Maybe some brackets to hold the wire up as well. I was CDT.

I was wood. I didn't do, I didn't do, I didn't do tech, tech. In CDT, yeah. Yeah. One of the best things I ever did in CDT was like a totem pole. We all had to do our own totem pole. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But taking basically, what do you call it?

Not a plank, because it's square. What's that called a peg? Like a tube of wood. A tube of wood. What do you mean? Like a, it's kind of like a plank. Yeah, be like a square table leg, but all the way down, not tapered. We're not talking tapered.

No, not tapered. We're talking just a shaft. A stick, a square stick. Like a three by three plank. Not a plank. Yeah, but it's three by three. So it's square. Yeah, like a four by fours square.

I guess a plank would be a plank no matter the dimension of it. I always think of the plank as having one surface flat and then ends. You have to think. You have to think. You have to think. When you walked the plank. Which that didn't happen. That was never.

It never happened. That was never a thing pirates did ever. You invented it. I think it did. No, no. No. I think it did. No.

No. No. There has no record. Now, who looks most like a pirate in this room? It's got to be Nick, so... I think you look more like a pirate. Do you know what? We could be a pirate team.

We so could. At best, you're both pirates and I'm the person you're robbed. Paul, walk the fucking plunge. I'm not walking, no fucking plank. It can't, it didn't happen. We got one, it's three by three. Oh, I've done a design. I've done a CD design on it.

So especially when you fall off. So look the totem. Eli, tell us about this totem, Paul. Yeah, please do. Well, we got graph paper or special paper, and we did like a, you know, that perspective that they use in some medieval paintings before where it's all like all 45 degree angles you can do it on sort of special

squared paper and then so we did a design for the totem on that and then we used various tools such as a chisel a lathe thank you you telling me about worrying about padding this episode out I'm just wondering where this is going to be and then we designed it and Mick B who was my CDD teacher

Mick B What a legend of a man. What was me? He was a A like. He was a Marxist. He was a Marxist. He was a Marxist, had one wandering eye. Total Marxist.

Total ex-hippy would never miss the opportunity to tell us about how he, after uni or whatever, he rode a motorcycle across Afghanistan smoking hash all the way with his wife. Dead he is now. Did you all do? He was one of those really encouraging teachers. Did you all do it?

Totem pole. Was it like that? Was that the project? We all did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I made a tie rack. You made a tie rack in CDT? Do you still have it?

Yeah, my dad's got out, yeah. Are you joking? It's beautiful. Because he put his ties on it? Yeah, it's beautiful. It was beautiful. Nicely lathed? Made it out.

No, I didn't lathe it. I cut it all out with, like, the things. And it was beech wood and I used varnish. Bees wax to kind of do it. Mick Bees wax? It's like beautiful. No, not Mick Bees wax.

You don't want any of that. That's nasty I've never heard cum described as beeswax before Hang around us a little bit longer I'm still here at all Suppose if you really ring it out Get the dregs Hello, welcome to Cheap Show

Cheap Show It's the price of shy Cheapesot Welcome to Cheap Show You're not even on the Pepsi Max Cherry No, no, no, no Well, I'm kind of coming off diet drinks You are

Yeah You just drink more You just drink like I can drink 3 or 4 litres of Pepsi Max Cherry But if you drink a pint of full fat That's all you want Yes Because you're chasing the dragon

You're chasing the sugar. The sugar buzz, yeah Which never comes Because if you have Red Bull You're getting other stuff It's not just the sugar That's why I go for the diet Red Bull No I'm going to get the caffeine

Right straight to the stomach Woo Do that affect you though anymore Because you drink that so much But does it not It gets you back to normal Does it? Yeah

Well yeah Because I've swapped Pepsi Max Cherry For a Lewis Hamilton Monster Lewis Hamilton's I think it's monster See the monster or rock star They all get, like, lost in the other one? There's Rockstar, there's Monster, they're the big two.

Yeah, but what's the other one? There's the third one. Oh, is that all the Bulls? The Ball's Head one. No, that's Red Bull. Caballo, Caballo. No, it's like, relentless. Relentless.

They're a big three, aren't they? Monster, Red Bull. Rockstar. Redless. They all start with R. Yeah, but Red Bull isn't... Part of a monster. Red Bull isn't part of the gang.

Red Bull is its own separate either. Yeah, it's the first of the gang. Well, Red Bull tastes like Red Bull, where all the others taste. like, you know, Mango or Lewis Hamilton. You haven't formally, A, introduced the show. Hello, well, the cheap show, done, next. My name's Nick Helm. And we've got a special guest, Nick Helm.

Apparently, he's been here since we last recorded. Right, what have we got for Mr. Nick Helm? Our special guest, he's gone, fucking gone. I was going to ask you, Paul. Yes. Is there any sort of housework or anything you'd like to do? Live show? You know what? Live show.

Someone's had to pull out, and I would like an apology from that person right now while they're in the room. that's you Nick I would like you to apologise to my audience about why you I was really excited to have you on a live show and now you're telling me you can't do it explain why

well we had an email chain we had a text chain didn't we want me to read it out and it was me saying we'll pencil me in until near the time and then you googled me and you said you're actually in Hull that night do you want to drop out and I said well yes please

no no no no no no that's what happened so I didn't pull out evidence of saying this months ago that yeah I've got the whole thing Well, you couldn't have because we added that date. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also said to you way back there, you sure you're going to be able to do it. This is it.

This is the, listen. What? If you'd only listen for a moment, we had one whole day. If you dare fucking side with him right now. I mean, you know I'm going to. I know you're going to for the moment. I just want you morally to know that I'm always going to. Morally, I want you on my side.

For the sake of the podcast, well, we have one whole day. No, I'm also disappointed, Paul. And then what happened was, we had to, as chickened out. We sold out. we sold out that whole day immediately. But the first one. And that was, what was going to happen was, I was going to do the hell, hole day.

I was going to do the whole day and then I was going to come down the next day and do cheap show, right? But then I listened to one of your episodes and I hated it. So I thought, there's no way I'm doing it. No, then we added, he is a back on the show though. Then we added the whole day. And we added the second holiday, which men went. Yeah, right.

And so it meant it was impossible to do. What are you doing in a solo show? I'm doing a tour show Yeah, cool Or a tour show Which I'm sure people can find out About tickets if you would like to do that now And get that awkward

Oh yeah, you can get tickets from Nick hyphen helm.com. There you go, see And we're gigging all the way up into the 29th November But on the 23rd of November I'm doing St Albans Which is twice as big as any of the other venues

Is it? Yeah, to be a home home town Yeah, because I went to do your comedy night In St Albans years ago Yeah, right, right, right Well, I wasn't born there I was born in London But I lived there

for a fucking long time and I've got to go back and entertain all my bullies so that'll be fun. That'll be fine. You can bully them on stage. You're going to, aren't you?

But I'd like, who do you think you are? I am. Yeah. Just do that. I mean, that's not why I do. You should. I mean, it's basically the gist of all

act, but we'll move on from that. I'm not sure. I'm not sure it is. It's more nuanced. Yeah. Guys, we've got three things to eat and a couple of miscellaneous are we.

I just want to start with some. If we're going to start, I need to take a little break. You know, I need to tell I like to chat to the book up Don't tell me when to push the button Kind of the point of that was buy tickets for St Albans Yeah, go see Nick High

Because you're concerned that you need to sell more tickets there I absolutely do need to sell Twice the size of all the other venues Put together, yeah, yeah Well, but then the flip side is that You've got to do two nights in Hull And if that venue was twice as big It'd be one night

We stayed in Hull one night I like Hull I think it's beautiful Was that with Graham? Yeah And they had a river at the back of their garden You remember that? Yes.

Cool. Hull is gorgeous. Plus, my parents met her. If it wasn't for Hull, they wouldn't have fucked and I wouldn't have popped out. Well, thank you all. They wouldn't have had sex and then there's one in your mum's hull. All right. Yeah, don't ever talk about my mum's cunt like that.

I didn't mean her cunt. I meant her stomach. I meant her tummy. Yeah. Womb space. I hate the word tummy. Would you say the hull of a boat? It's the cunt of a boat.

No, you would not. I would. I mean, you might say it, but only after you'd heard me. But that's because we're pirates, right? Sticking in the cunt of the board! I'll tell you what, I do have a bit of admin. So, yes, Nick, unfortunately,

will not be at the live show. I'm not going to be at the live show, but you didn't ever announce it, did you? Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. However, I can say that unless this guy pulls out as well, Paul Putner, will be at the live show, joining us for the comedy elarks with Ria Lina on October 18th.

18th of October, everybody. And for those. interested, we will have new cheap show pins on sale. The remaining albums will be available for sale and then sending us some copies of the magazine as well. So we'll be selling some merch after the show in the car park outside. No, in the actual bar. I don't think we're allowed to are.

They don't need to kick us out and say, stop making a noise. No. Imagine they said to us last time. No. I drank about six or seven gin and tonics. Yeah, yeah, no. But in terms of I wasn't allowed to get the stuff out and sell it there. Oh, I see.

Maybe not. In the pub. Yeah. Anyway. You're going to press the button now? Now I can press the button now. now that the admin is out of the way. I think we left it as a heavy pencil.

Paul Putner also has a heavy pencil in for the 18th of October. See you there. Can I press the button now? Can I press the button now? You told me I don't tell you when to press the button. It seems like only you get to tell me when to press the button. I'll tell you to press it if you want. If you need me to, yes, press it now.

All right. And now on Cheap Show, Eli, is taking over to share with us some of the delights that he's brought along with us this week. I've got plenty of stuff, starting with this. What have you got? What's that? Is it a bell? Oh, what's the bell for? It's some kind of medical bell made in Taiwan

with a weird plastic casing and an indecipherable guide on top. That's not an indecifferenceable guide on top. Why does it say? What does it say on top, next? That says D sharp, which means that's the tone that is ringing. Oh, so cool. So I've got a set of these that has all of the different...

Is this for musicians to tune their instruments by? I think it's for kids. They're all brightly coloured bells and then you do it. But I bought them because I'm a, you know, I do music and I thought maybe I'd use some bells for something. But I've just kind of given them to my knees. It's an instrument bell. But this is an instrument bell,

but also this plastic casing is there so that you can have it next to your bed if you're ill and you can just do that because if it didn't have the plastic casing, it would just be flat on and it wouldn't ring. Yes. It's quite nice. It's quite nice tone, huh?

So, yeah, it's interesting there because why would it have that on it? Why would an ill person go like, oh, no, it's tea. sharpened in another one. It must be for musicians. But it has a sort of... Well, that's what the bell is for for musicians

because it's a musical instrument bell. But also, this stuff here is just for ill people. Doesn't it have a look like a hospital or old person's home thing? Doesn't it have that look to it? Is it because of the peach colouring? It's the peach colouring, the white colouring of the shaft. And it's sort of yellowish.

And the sort of medical plastic of the yellow plastic... It's like yellowed, like tobacco's yellowed. Yeah. I like it. Because you can imagine it next to an elderly woman in a co- reaching out of her last breath to ring the bell to get help for the orderly. As bells go, and I've sniffed a few in my life, this bell smells like death. I want to ring it.

I've got a bell that smells like death. Oh my God. Oh, okay. Paul, you didn't need in my bell joke. No, I did. I just ignored it because, you know, you'll do it next week. You don't do this then. It's a press downy thing.

You can do both. But a lot of these people are very weak. It's a nice tone, though, isn't it? I find it very satisfying to just do it. No, you're not letting it... No, I know. I know. I'm muting it. You're not letting it resonate. I know.

You find that satisfying? Yeah. Well, he's got control over the sound, isn't he? That's nasty. No, I don't mind that. Stop. It's just like the eye contact. No, I like it.

So, um, why? I just bought it. It's great. You can have it as a tie break on the price of shike, because I remember how much was paid. If you had different tones, if you had more than one, And they're all different tones. They could be your answer, your answer buzzers.

If I ever felt like, you know, starting a hotel train. Yeah. I'm saving already, I know, on bells. It's got a load of them. You know, you could be, da-da-da-ding, ding, ding, ding. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I was going to say, disheat-da-da-da-da-da. When I go do do-doin-doin, do-da-da-da-da.

No, do-doin-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh, okay, okay, okay, got it. You do the whole tune, please, Nick, because I've lost my plays now. Right. I don't think conceptually that's a good thing. I've got... What song is that? Glenn Miller?

It's in the mood. I don't know. By Glenn Miller. I thought I made it up. Did he have it in a dream? Something. Right. I've got a question for you.

Yes. When was the last time that knick-knacks, the beloved British corn snack, came out with a new flavour? Oh, God. When was the last time they released it? I wouldn't have thought for years. Right, name the flavours of knick-knack.

Nice and spicy. Nice and spicy. Ribbon saucy. Ribbon saucy. And there was a nice and spicy one, the one that's a bit like lemony and fishy. No, that's scampy. Scampy, okay.

They thought it was scampy. They brought it back. Can I just ask? Lemon scampi. know about knickknacks? Can I just ask you a question? I think I know a few things. Eli's or Nick that Correspondent. I remember the ribbon saucy ones. I remember them being absolutely

fucking delicious. They rocked. And it feels like they use less flavoring now. Yeah, I think that's across the board in a lot of things. The corn is sort of like, the flavor of, you know... You don't want to taste the corn in the nickname. I don't want to taste the corn. That's what the fucking flavors for. You know what I mean? I want to have nice and spicy flavor. Yes. I think they've dialed down. It's diluted, isn't it? I think

because Walker's a part of such a huge, one of the biggest food conglomerates on the planet, Frito-Lay, who have Pepsi, they have KFC, Pizza Hut, all sorts of food brands. And I just think they've become homogenized. You know, it's like when we tasted those pickled onion monster munch flavored crisps. They were crisps with, they were supposed to be. We've been there. Level.

That's like inception. Yeah. Yeah, it was. It was like crisp inception. Confection. And I think that's the second time I've used that. Didn't we use the term crisp inset. Inception, yes, last week or something.

Anyway, they were terrible, underpowered. Do you remember? Well, our theory was that. That flavour profile works for the corn maze, Monster Munch snack build, but not for the potato slice. And with the Monster Munch, I'm sorry, but do they dust them, or is the flavour throughout? I think they dust all crisps.

You don't put the crisp in the corn mix before they do. Why would they? Obviously, because they're making loads of different flavours, aren't they? Yeah. It's probably a sprinkle. on a big conveyor box. Yeah, it works. If you'd have to batch different batches of the corn mix

with the flavours in and then cook them at different times. You'd be up all night. You'd be up all night making Monster Munch. What a life. What a life to live. Have you ever taken a Monster Munch, Chris Packet, put it in the oven like they used to say you'd do. Shrink it down to a badge.

Yeah, but you can't do that anymore, can you? You can't. I think they've put foil in. Yeah, it's different. But when they used to be just plastic like Smith things, you could not have them and then you make a little badge out of them. How cool was that? It was to tell you on the paper.

back of the pack of crisps. But they would be like a perfect miniature. Yeah. It was fucking cool. It was cool. I don't know when the last time they brought out a flavour of knick-knack was, though. I'll tell you when. Here we go.

Hang on, have we done all the flavours? Yeah. Three, isn't it? It's just three. Nice and spicy, rib and saucy, scampi and lemon. Yeah, and scampy lemon's the new one. What about the hot one? No, no.

He's thinking about, like, the Cheetos hot. No, no, I don't think they have one of those. No, I'm not thinking of Cheetos is hot. But chitos are basically the same as... You're getting confused about the scampy lemon. I'm getting confused in general, because I don't know where the fuck this is going. Scampy lemon was discontinued. Right.

And then became this huge, like, urban legend. Like, oh, it smelled like vagina, basically, was the gist, right? That's the urban legend, that. Yeah, it was all like sniff my finger. I've had my fingers right in a pack of scampy lemon or whatever. Beautiful lemony-y vaginas. Lemony, well, you'd hope that, basically... You'd hope what?

You'd hope there was some freshness to a vagina. That's what I'm saying. To a lady's hull. But if it was fish and lemon, then you're like, oh, you've just taken a wet wipe of some sort and just sort of done a clunge.

Yeah, fine. It's not been a full deep wash of the vagina. No. Which is... Is that where you hand out dead old wipes to potential partners? I'm not going near your vagina,

but hand me that wet wipe. Oh, God. Disgusting. Anyway, You could poke a hole through it. This quarter of 2025, they've got new knick-knack flavor. Oh, shit.

And I've got a packet. You are? Yes. What? That's right. And I've got a packet for us and our guest, Nick Helm, to taste a day. Oh, who's this? What's this?

No. I need to take a picture of this. New. New. Yeah, well, news what? Tell us. It's an audio podcast. Tangy and cheesy.

Which is going to be like, what? A fucking Cheeto? No. You know what it's going to be? It's going to be like one of those. You know what they say sharp cheddar and it's got that kind of tang to it? Like a mature cheese taste. Like tang.

Yeah. So not like a quaver with it. soft cheese. I find the whole concept of tang quite interesting because it's quite woolly, isn't it? It's not very specific what tangy, what makes something tangy? What is it, is it sweet? Is it sour?

Is it spicy? Is it salty? Is it umami? Is it any of these things? You know, tango? Yeah. That's not tangy. That's not fucking, you hope not. But tango is like an 80s thing, so people didn't really know what avocados were, let alone tang. That was a different era. You see on the back of these, so you also do discos.

They still make discos They're the round ones right They're basically Pringles but tiny Yeah and flat Or they aim to make them flat And they don't do square crisps on the back here But square crisps You can still get square crisp

Oh you can yes What's the best flavour What's the best flavour I'm vinegar Solem vinegar And it burns the size There's something about a square crisp But it delivers a more intense version

Of those same flavours Oh yeah It fucking kicks you in the fucking nads It does it kicks you in your tongue nads every single one of those Oh you know what your tongue nads are though Your tonsils aren't they No no I'm not talking all the way about there

No there you're throat bollocks I'm talking about the bollocks I got in the front Now skips Skips. Oh skips good Skips are all right right You know what I had the other day Which I was very impressed with Who's the most emotionally

Had a mentally tied out already Well go on Released Quaver's Red Lester version Oh Released that was never a thing was it Hang on Well you're the one who told me

You're such a gas prick. What's, um... Fucking hell. He told me that they'd had Red Lester Quavers out for ages.

No, no, no. That was Chedders. Chedders had Red Lester. Oh yeah, Chedders do have Red Lester. Not quivers. So you're gaslighting me now were putting words in my fucking mouth.

I told you the other day that I saw a packet of Red Lester version Quavers and you said, oh yeah, they've had those. No, I didn't say that. Let's not overuse the phrase gaslighting.

He was mistaken and he thought he was right. We were all both mistaken. That's not gaslighting. What you're doing is gaslighting me now. now. You're gaslighting me now with that. I'm not, Paul. You fucking should be. Um, so...

Stop saying, I can't understand what you're saying. It's all blah, blah, blah. I'm getting very triggered by this conversation. They all said to barbecue flavour crisps. Skips. Oh, yeah. Skips. What other flavours? Skips are one of those things that I just associate with prawn cocktail flavour just... Of course, yeah. And it only exists to deliver... Same with square crisps. They were all salt vinegar, yeah.

But with skips, they melt on your tongue, right? But then occasionally... What I don't like about... skips this because you can get those hard bits in it and it makes it it's like a texture fucking yeah it's like gristle

it's like the crisp gristle yeah crisple christle have you ever let a butt there's a danger here because if you ever let a quaver or or a skip

start to melt on the tongue and then suddenly you think oh I'm going to get rid of this and it's stuck ah it's gonna rip the flesh of your tongue yeah yeah like a suction yeah yeah it's a terrible place to

So should we taste the three flavors? Then you've got wheat crunchies, right? That's the sweet. Oh, I love a bacon, wheat crunches. The bacon of the ones, right? They used to have all the flavours, but I think bacon... They had a Worcester sauce flavour. They did it one time, yeah.

Do you want to hear something? It doesn't matter if you do. Because this is a recent memory. I can't remember if I've said this on a podcast or its thing. I had a girlfriend. I think you've mentioned that on a podcast before. So let's try these crisps. You had a girlfriend then.

I had a girlfriend at uni, and she used to. she used to eat wheat crunchies and she used to do this thing I never saw her do it she just told me about what she used to she used to do this thing called I think what was it called volvons maybe or canopays

oh yeah no no no sorry a volvon is a subcategory of canopae so I can't remember what she called it right but it was either a canopy or a volavon right and what she'd do is she'd get a wheat crunchy she'd chew it up and she would spit it into another weak crunchy and then

eat it as kind of like a posth tree. Oh, my God, that's the best thing I've ever heard. It's almost like a canalone kind of thing, isn't it? A stuffed, oh, a self-stuffed wheat crunchy. I mean, mouth slop, canolony. Must, masticated mouth slop can alonie for you, sir? Oh, yes, please. In very posh clubs and soho, you get women to come to your table and do that for you.

Into the cheer. And the rest. Okay. Yeah, go for it. Joculate and I want Huff report first because that's the way we do this. Jostle and Huff.

Before we do that, so Nicknack, Disco, Skips, Sweet Crunchy. What order? Everybody talks about pop music. Wheat Crunchies, Square, Disco, Nicknack. Because Nicknack. What about Skip? They're low for me.

I like the text of you, I like the flavour. And the squares aren't on this. Oh. Squares would be a top. Although I would pick a square over a disco, right? I have the whole list that's on the back of the pack. Disco skips, sweet crunchy, nicknack. Right, I'm going to go.

Disco... Wee crunchies first. Wheat Crunchies first. Then... Nick Nacks. What? Then I'd go discos and then last place I put the skips. I think it's...

I think it's joint first. Squares are not on the back of that packet. I miss that bit. But for me, it's joint first and joint last. And it would be knick-knacks, wheat crunchies right there. If I was in a service station I wanted one, I'd pick the other. But I would never go discos and I don't enjoy skips. But Square Chris.

Oh, God. Yeah. They're the billy ball looks of them all. I would like to bring back bits of pizza crisps. Oh, they were very nice. Because they had a skips texture, but the pizza flavour. Yeah. Pizza cringles.

Yeah. What were they? Bits of pizza, they were called. They were Smith's crisps. Oh, my God. He's had a sniff. He's out of hoof. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Is it good? Is it cheesy? Do they just smell like Doritos? Oh, do you know what? They smell like to eat. No, they smell like Doritos. It's that heavy cheese flavor.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I know all about that heavy cheese I'll let you do that one In my pants this morning Oh my God Did you actually need? Ooh Ooh

Do you know what I mean It's a very cheesy niff Look, take some out Because we're going to taste some Oh yeah I'll get off Now we're looking for tang We all know what cheese tastes like

I don't think there is going to be any tang Oh god Yeah What's your idea of the smell Very cheesy To me these are very quaver like Yeah right And do you know what

To be fair, that's exactly what they taste like. Generic cheese crisp flavour, yeah? Yeah. Which is weird because they look like Cheetos and Cheetos are the king, I think. And Wattsets, Watsits. Yeah, they're fine. And do you know, when they're all crunched up in your mouth, it's almost the same texture as a Dorita.

It is. I wouldn't say they were tangy, though. I can't get anything apart from cheese, but it is quite a strident, a nice strong cheese flavor, isn't there? There's a slight amount, there's a slight amount of heat at the back of your throat. Is that what the tang is then? I think you can feel it on the back of your... There's a little tiny bit.

Back of your throat, yeah. it's almost like a tomato note in there in a um that'll be the tang tangy tomato yeah that must be the tangy tomorrow that must be the tang yeah it's almost is there any info on the back yeah low in a in a market where you've got the wotset and you've got the chito why would you go knit-knat tangy cheese they're stepping into a part of the

snack community they don't need to be in yeah they need to wind their fucking neck in step back no your fucking place nit-knack know it don't show it what you're looking at now because if a watsit came out with a ribbon saucy yeah no there They'll be outraged. Yeah.

There'd be panic on the streets. Even a fucking, even a fucking, you know, giant what's-it, prawn cocktail flavor is kind of like an absolute mind melt. We had cheese and onion quavers. I mean, yeah. We had salt and vinegar quavers. Yeah. That was years ago, though.

Yeah, that was years ago. And they were nice. Yeah. All right, out of five, Eli, what do you want to give that? They're okay. Yeah, they're okay. I can't see myself getting those instead of a packet of any other cheese. Cheetos, basically.

Yeah. I'd get Cheetos, I'd get the jalapeno, Cheetos. Oh, mate. Or like, or those hers. Yeah, fucking like. Have you had hers? No. They're American form of cheese curl, which is the generic term for a Watsit.

Yeah. They're called Watsits in this country, but they're like a whole category of Crisp in America, known as a cheese curl. Curl. Right. And hers. Well, to be fair, they sell them in Marx and Spencer. They don't call them cheese curls, though, do you?

What do they call them? Cheese puffs. Votsits or something. You usually call them cheese puffs. Don't they call them wardsetsets. No, they don't. M&S are classier than that. They probably call them cheese curls.

They probably do. Right, go on, you're going to review this. Oh, yeah, you haven't got around to that bit yet. This? Yeah. Wasn't that what you were halfway through? Yeah. Yes, I was, yeah.

So, and yours are very good because they have their cheese curls in America. They have Carolina Reaper flavor. Which is my favorite thing all fucking time. And they have blue buffalo chicken wing blue cheese flavor. Are they still cheesy and hot? Yeah, yeah. They're really crazy good. Crazy good.

The best, what's it variant you've ever had in your life, basically. I guarantee. Do you like the heat? Do you like a bit of heat? Well, I used to like more heat than I do now, but I love, I love watsets. Do they used to do mini watsets? No, I just thought I just, I think they used to do mini watsets. You just got bigger. Your hands got way big, mate, when you grew up. I think they used to do mini watsets now they do giant, I'm not ignoring you. And I think they used to do oven bait wats, didn't they?

Where it was like a potato that was true. Oh, no, you're thinking of the Space Raiders, potato oven things. I'm not. Because space raiders, space raiders have no, what you call it? Brain? No. Space raiders have no real estate in my head, right? Whereas watsits, I'm always on a lookout for a WhatsApp set. They may have done a type of watchit that you put in the oven, like a waffle.

I mean, my fingers think of cheese now. Yeah, this is it. They're good for making a finger smell. That's why the Scampian lemon ones were discontinued. Just to win the exclusion. Can I just mention second object that I mentioned? Are we all going to review that? Okay.

Yeah. What did you say? What did you say? You gave it a number. Three out of five. And I was going to say, sorry, Nick. I'm sorry, I do get distracted. Well, there's a format that I think we should stick to, right? Sorry, I get distracted.

I'm going to say 3.25. Fine. Can't see myself... Out of what, five? Yeah. I can't see myself choosing them over a Cheeto, though. I think, right, when you open that out and the smell, right, it's such a strong smell. And when you eat it, it's, again, it's almost... You can taste a bit.

It's cheesy without it being like a punch. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's kind of bland. Once you get over the horrible, sick cheese flavour, then it's kind of a bland experience in your mouth. And absolutely, I will never buy these. I will never buy these because it would be Watsits or it would be Cheetos, right?

And they don't sell Cheetos everywhere. So if it's in a service station, it would be Watsits. But if I was in my corner shop, it would be Cheetos. Whereas nice and spicy or sauce and tangy, is it called? Ribbon sauce sauce. It would always be ribbon sauce. for me. Oh, those I actually get a hankering for like a mouth hankering. Absolutely.

You wouldn't see yourself getting a hankering for these. Why would the fuck would you? It's a generic cheese flavour. Why the fuck would you? You're absolutely right. And also, it's strong, it smells strong but it doesn't have enough. It doesn't have kick in the mouth. Also, I would say if you're a knick-knack officiardo, you're going to go with your favourite flavours. You're not going to go with that, you're not going to take a risk.

You like your, you know, you're nice and spicy or whatever. There's no one walking in going, oh, a cheese-priced. Oh, that's why we're doing this bit. They might go, oh, it's new. They might sell a fucking load of them for a bit. They're going to discontinue them. But they'll discontinue them.

Yeah, my fingers smell. It wasn't enough of a flavour. Like, it's the smell that's overpowering. It's not the flavour. Yeah, you're right. And there's two other better things on the market. Oh, dear. It's gross.

Now. I only had two. And my fucking fingers stink like, fucking... Well, you can imagine... Right, it all in fair. Do you want to press the button? I'm going to press the button one more time. Okay, fine.

Okay, there we go. Right. You know what you can get? Yeah, what can you get? In the Museum of London, but I pick up in charity shops. Yeah. Novelty T-T-T-T-T-T-T-L. Oh, right.

Hello. This is a T-Tel that said, Executions T-Tel. Right. I'll hand it to you, I'll guess, Nick Hale. Let's see what's on that. Executions, great. I mean, I'm going to presume it's a teetal, first of all. It's a very plasticy one, isn't it?

Yeah, well. Well, they have to get the print on, don't they? Oh. Well. Is that a picture of Old London Bridge? Isn't it? It's a picture of a U.S. Battleship, dumping the of a summer bin Laden into the ocean. No, it's not everybody.

It's, um, it is, yeah, it's an oldie-worldy, uh, illustration of... That's London Bridge, Paul. That's what London Bridge used to look like. Before it burnt down. Look at all of the houses on it. Can you imagine how, what it'd be like trying to cross the river through that? Oh, terrible. Yeah, crazy.

People try and sell you stuff. Yeah. People try and get you to sleep with prostitutes. All right, governor. You're going to come through because it's like you have to walk through someone's house to get to the other side of the bridge. Can you imagine? It'd be like Brazil, that film Brazil.

I suppose the only positive is that you could say, do you want to try my cheesy knit-knacks? Do you know what I mean? But that's the only positive. You could sell a bunch of crisps on your way over, yeah. How much do you want this teetail? Is it all right that I'm just rubbing my cheese off my fingers on the corner? It's kind of handy.

We can all rinse our cheesy tips on it. I mean, it's tea towel, so it will take washing. So you do any cheese clean up that you need to do, Nick. You're our guest, so you can do that. Is this an original painting? or a recreation or a new painting? I think it's an original from the era. It's an absolutely...

What do they call them? A lithograph, originally, the artwork or something. It was a drawer is. This is a drawing. Let's see if it has any details on the band, because this is Mint on Card, everyone. I think it's an absolute beautiful picture. I would be...

If I was an execution fan, I would be slightly disappointed with the content. It's from an engraving. Okay. Is that what you said? An engraving, which means they take a big piece of metal and then scratch that in and then they print from that. Is that not what a lithography?

Graphism. It's similar. Okay. So I wasn't too... You weren't too far off. Well, I think it's... I think it's a beautiful illustration. I just find it that it's so exotic and romantic to have a bridge...

Oh, and it's haunted. Oh, it's haunted, Eli. Oh! It's called... Ignore him. It's called... You will look at me as I do your magic trick. It's a view of London Bridge.

It's a view of London Bridge. It's a view of London Bridge. Christopher Marlowe. No, he's a... John Visiture. Oh, yeah. That would have been my second guess. John Visitor.

Oh, it's all right. It's all right, isn't it? His paintings are always very vicitral. It is called executions, right? And that's it seven ways. Where are the executions? I don't see any gallows. I think you could just as easily...

Ah, you're fucking wrong. Look again, and you'll find evidence of death. Well, that's good as well. We can throw it around. Yeah, it's lovely. You could just as easily sell that under Shakespeare's London. Yeah, you could. London dungeon flog it there as well.

Oh, the heads. There you go. Let's see, let's see. Look, the heads, that's what... They put heads on poles there. At the foot of the bridge, do you see that? All the heads on poles. It looks like a fucking macabre cocktail party.

It looks like macabre cheese and pineapple. It looks like that being Ghostbusters too. All the heads on the sticks come out of the ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Winston goes nuts. Good. How much do we rate the towel? We're not rating the towel. Oh, well, that case we'll move on.

It was just a conversation start. Yes, let's move on. No, they did. So, ding ding ding, actually. Hey, ding ding ding. Very nice tone Are we recording? We are now I would give the picture on this teetail 10 out of 10

I would give the quality of the teetail 5 out of 10 I would give the fact that it's called Executions probably You've got to really look It's like where's Wally's head Isn't it? I'd give that the overall thing

I'd bet maybe a 2 out of 10 So overall that's 22 out of 30 I'll take it I'm going to write this down in my book Right Eli Please now get on to your main item today. Now, everyone, as you know, I like to keep abreast of the trends in instant noodles.

Instant noodles are very important food stuff for a huge amount of people on this planet. Just a mention at the top of this, it looks like Indyme have been discovered to be having dangerous levels of carcinogenic chemicals in their noodles, which would be a huge blow for Instant Noodle lovers all over the world. Indy Indomie. They've all got it Indomie They've all got it into me Yeah

He did it Thank you Oh it was good It was really good It was good Indomie they're the big Indonesian brand What it was was I was thinking about

that tea towel And I didn't actually pay attention to what you're talking about It's fine Nick It's absolutely fine I was just trying to work out whether I'd actually added up my score well enough

Start this bit again Come on 33 out of a possible 40 22 out of 30 Yes, that's right You did it right But we didn't do absorbancy We didn't tell you

If you let me take that home I can tell you I can text you later Honestly you can have it Do you like it? Do you like it enough to take it home Well I'll test the absorbency at home And I'll text and I'll say My fingers still smell of cheese

For different type of cheese That was the implication Can you not done me down Do what you want with yourself Oh I'm doing high brow stuff over here Toul's been rated and reviewed, Eli, please give me your...

Is this an Indomie noodle noodle? No. All right, okay. I just wanted to mention that's noodle news. Who were Indy? They are the biggest... All the cool kids. All the big, cool kids are into me.

Yeah, right. So, so, so, is Indy, it's into me, is Indyme, it's into me, is into me... We've overstimulated him, so we've got to take, we've got to take a minute or two to just let him calm down. I need another coffee. It's into me, it's into me, it's into me, it's into me, it's into me. It's into me.

It's into me like, it's into me. Samyang. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's a brand. I'd say bigger. Yeah, but Samyang, are they carcinogenic? No.

Not as far as I know. They're all carcinogenic, but Indymey recently have been shown to have higher levels of those whatever into the food. Like smoking. Like every time you eat a noodle, it's five years off your life. Something like that, yeah. Indymee, they do have lovely noodles, and apparently the lady who is Mama Indymi, who is like the woman is a national treasure.

I mean, I was thinking the same thing. Your mama's Indomie. That's just news about noodles. But... No, that's something different, isn't it? In recent years, I've got a very thin and long penis. There's been... Sam Yang, you mentioned, because Sam Yang, I would say,

have been responsible for most of the world's dance crazes. No, um... Noodle dick, Nick. Please don't interrupt them anymore. We need to get food to the end of this. Eli, please. Most of the world's dance crazes. Do you hear when I said that?

I didn't quite get that. Can you explain it to me? There's a song. I wish I hadn't. Called Do the Snake. Right. Right. Right.

And America has been behind most of the world's dance crises. We did the donkey, the monkey. Now we're going to do the snake. So come on. Do do, do, do, do. Okay, but I just need to ask why Sam Yang, why that was used. I'm still trying to make the connection. Because when I said Sam Yang has been behind.

Yeah. And then the song started playing my head. Behind most of this world's dancing. What? Disco crisps. Because you'd have them spinning in the air, wouldn't they, why you're dancing the noodle. That would be nice.

Yeah, you would. Yeah, it would be lovely. Right, okay. Now, go on. Sam Yang have been behind what I would call the two major trends within instant noodles in recent years.

Starting with their extremely famous range, Bulldak, hot chicken ramen flavored noodles, right? Are we talking two times? Hang on, I've done it again, I've drifted. The first times. What's this about the Sam Yang? They made Bulldack, the hot chicken ramen flavored noodles. Yeah, my absolute favorite.

You like those. I love Samyans. Do you take the whole pack of the wet sauce and put it in? Yeah. And then eat it. Yeah. I find it burns my mouth. But you know what?

Not only that. But I had a little bottle of the Carbonara hot sauce and another bottle of the... You've got the Samyan Carbonara? Yeah. Well, Samyan Carbonara is the best flavour. Well, I'm getting on to that. And do you know, do you add bits to it? Because when I'm doing it...

Oh, we'll pimp that to fuck. I'll pimp my noodles. Right, so I always pimped the noodles, right? So I put in... Maybe I chop up an onion or I put some... No, yeah, spring onion, but also maybe a red onion. Yeah, red onion can out work. And you put it all in the thing and you do it, but then you add cheese, right?

And the cheese you should use is that Violife vegan cheese, which if you use real cheese, it gets claggy. But if you use that, it melts into like a velvety sauce. Velvety smooth. That's like when Ash brought his fake sliced cheese for that thing. It can be more smooth than normal cheese. It's incredible. If you use that vegan cheese. And so what you do is I get like.

like a frying pan and I fill it up with the water and I put all of the sachets in, right? Then I put the noodles in and I leave it there and as it's boiling down it gets like al dente

at which point you put three pieces of the cheese on the top. And then you just let it and it sort of like keeps the steam in so it steams the noodles a bit and then you mix it all in at the end and you eat it and it's just fucking delicious. It kind of takes a little bit of the heat

off the back end of it. The cheese helps by coating your mouth and so would the carbonara. I got to a point where graduated up to the times two heat right we we and I've got some I know there's times three now yeah I've got times three but I've never dared do it never dead you should try it well I've gone to a point where I've I haven't eaten them in such like well I was trying to lose weight during the pandemic right I feel like you have lost weight I've lost two and a half stone in the last in the last year I didn't want to sort of bring it up well I watched the clip of us last time and we're talking about my beard and I was like saying that I'm fat at the moment your face has changed I've almost got to the point where I can I can shave but I can't But during the pandemic, I was trying to kind of like be, like, fit and healthy, right? And I worked out that Sam Yang noodles are like 450 calories. And if you add the bits and pieces, it's probably like 600 calories, right?

Yes. But if you don't eat lunch and then you wait until 4 o'clock and then you eat the noodles, right? And then you don't eat for the rest of the day because you're full of noodles. You have to get up in the middle of the night to squirt fire water out your ass. So then you have like, you know, you have about 500 or 600 calories a day. and what I don't like about watching what you eat is that you've got to fucking work it all out so I was just like I'll have a packet of them every day

and then you can control your internet and then I know exactly how many calories I'm having every day and then if you do that every day you build up to times two the heat right? Right yeah yeah but when you don't do it for maybe like a year I've got them all on my shelves you lose your tolerance there's no way what if I just jumped straight in with times three no you got to work up you got to work

Nick I found that very fascinating my tongue nuts would explode thanks for giving us a little insight into the way that you pimp your noodles. But that is... It sounds like... It sounds a little bit like... Shut up, shut up, shut up, Nick, and tell me. I've been thinking the whole time about the thing I want to say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm just... I'm trying to move the conversation on. I don't need constant criticism about my level of sincerity. You don't need it. You don't need it. You don't need it. You of all people.

Thank you. Well... Fuck's sake. Well, I'm the angry one here, Eli. I'm absolutely similar. like I've got three pieces of cheese on my house. Can I just say then, Nick, if that came across in sincere about how interested I was in your pimping routine. Do you want to know another thing? Can I tell you

another thing? You know they do those bowls, those plastic pot noodle bowls of salmon noodles, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're out and about and you want to have the cheese element to it, you get a packet of watsits, put it in and they melt in the hot water, stare in. Now you fucking triggered him. You still get it. You still get it. You're Still get the cheese flavour. And I reckon you could probably... Those wouldn't melt so good, wouldn't they? No, they might do, though.

They soften up. That might just be the only thing that these knick-knack tangy and cheeses are good for, is melting in a pot of Sam Yang noodles. I would argue what you could do is smash them all up, put them on some mac and cheese. Job done. Oh, my God, with some paprika. And then you oven bake it, and then it all comes out of the crunch.

Sorry to move this into pasta discussion. I am partial. I am well partial to... What a noodle is a pasta? Like a pasta bag. Is it? Is it? A pasta's a noodle.

Yes. But a noodle's not a pasta. Yes. They both are completely interchangeable. Fair enough. Well, I'm glad I'm not too much off the beaten path when it comes to this discussion. You wouldn't call an instant noodle pasta, but you wouldn't be wrong if you did. Put it that way.

Also, that's why cheese goes well with them. Yes. Because you're just saying, I'm not going to put cheese on a noodle. But a noodle is also spaghetti. Well, you keep bringing me back to my main point. Which is why the Carbonara flavour isn't kind of. It's not really going to work for me. Well, it's not mental.

It's delicious. That's what I'm talking about. It's delicious. That's what I'm about it's talking about. You have the stew flavour, which is great. You just leave a little bit of extra sauce for stew. I love the expertise level on this. I like the fact that I can just sit back in this segment and not have to pretend to care.

There's the Mexican flavour, which is fucking... I don't care for that so much. No, no. I do like that one. I do like that one. I like that. I like that. I like that.

I like that. If you add cheese, maybe. And some, what you call it? Coriander. Have you had the black beans? going to say cilantro. Oh, yeah. The black bean's the one

I fucking nice. I'm not a black bean. What's the other one that begins with the J? That is the black bean. Jan, Jan, Jan. Oh, God, that is fucking great. Yeah, so that one.

I'd say all of the flavors are good. The only one, and even the cheese flavor is good. When you go back to the original, it's difficult to go, you know, downstream. However, right. So, stop the eye contact with me. I don't care.

The hot chicken ramen flavor, Bulldak, Sam Yang is the brand. Yeah. They came out with that and it took the world by storm. So much so. Which flavor? Just the original, hot chicken ramen flavor. Oh, G.

That was the huge trend from about six years ago. That hadn't been people, TikTokers, eating them, you know, and then they came out of two times spicy. Then they've come out with the pot noodle versions. Where's the roof? The sauce, you can buy the sauce separately. I buy the sauce separately. You just top up, whack you're like that, yeah.

But then the Carbonara. And also, if you mix it with that fucking, what's that mayonnaise that they do? Not Coupie mayonnaise. Kenko is the other one. No, it's a syracia mayo. Oh, yeah. We've had that, though. We've had that.

I like a saratamail. You do a drizzle of that and then a drizzle of the hot sauce and then it's, you make it a look beautiful. If you're eating at home, make it look like you're eating in a restaurant, yeah? Don't eat out of the tub where it can take. Carbonara. Then started carbonara and cheese ramen. We had a cheese ramen years ago, but Carbonara was the perfect idea for Bulldack to come up with because their noodles are hot. It's spicy.

And you know what? Elivate spiciness. Lactose, yes. Basically, it's the fat in milk products, the way the cheesy, the cheese. the cheesy goodness that coats your tongue and then lets you able to enjoy the it's a synergy between the lactose and the chili okay stop stop

I genuinely am getting anxiety from not knowing where this is going or how long is going to take for us to fucking get in it but the other thing is it looks like a novelty flavour but when you eat it makes so much sense and that has the Carbonara flavour Bulldack Hot chicken ramen flavour Baldack Carbonara has been hugely influential. Everyone's at it. Carbonara

instant noodles are the order of the day these days. They're incredible. They're everywhere. So Sam Yang must be like, we are counting our noodle money up. We are. We dictate noodles. Yeah, right. They must love it. Can I just say? Can I just say? Can I just say? Can I just say? The thing that makes them addictive is they are hot, but they're all so delicious.

Well, that's the important point. It's not creamy. It's like just the regular Samyang. The flavour is just. Delicious. And then it's hot. On that bombshell. And on that note, this is what I found in my local...

Oh, fuck off. The other day. Oh, fuck off. Now, this is going to blow your mind. Just read out what this noodle is. Okay. All right. Here we go.

Oh, my God. The Hawn Kitchen. Flaming Chicken Carbonara stir-fried noodles. Chicken Carbanara! Netweight one... Well, that's like... It's a chicken Alfredo, isn't it? It's like a chicken teakalazania from...

Fucking ice. Yes. Carbonara, stir fried noodles, net weight, spicy hot, spicy hot, two chilies. So it's gone to... Everyone's trying it. How do they describe this shit?

Snacks can be enjoyed as part of a balanced diet. That's the nickname. So, should I try and prepare that? I think you should prepare it. It will take a break, a breather, will come back and we'll have this chicken. Can I mention one other noodle thing?

Yeah, go on. It literally... What's your noodle knowledge? How... Bing! Now... Now... What do a noodle IQ?

I was hoping someone would use the bell like that. How cheap are noodles now? What's the cheapest noodle you think? You get like 40p or something, isn't it? 5040p? A packet of Samyang is the minimum is £2.50. Yeah, no, they're like 150.

I found the cheapest noodle in, I think anyone could find in London. 25. Is this? Nudo. Kivikarist. Tavuk. You speaking Klingon? 39p.

It's a chicken noodle. That looks all right for what it is. I reckon. Sometimes they're the best ones, right? Yeah, I mean, yeah. If you pimpe it good. I don't think you need to pink... I think you need spruanians in there.

Sprognians? That's what I'm going to call them that from now on. No, I like it. No, I'm all for sprognians. I think that's really good. But like the original flavour for super noodles, the chicken super noodles, that was like crack, right? Oh my God.

Do you remember when Gordon Ramsey went around someone's house? He said, you're eating these noodles! And he'd get a pack of the noodles and he'd cook it and it'd squash it down into a ball. He goes, that's what you're eating. You just think, that looks even better. That looks even better. I'd eat a ball of noodle.

A bag of those and then hike up Ben Nevis. Energy balls. Now. That's what I call them. Are we now going to make this? How many packs do you think this has in it? Oh yeah. We do tend to have a rule of thumb.

The more the sachets, the better the quality of overall ingredients in the pack. Oh, right. Yeah, largely. It's trying to duplicate. Samyang. Yeah. I've only just realised because Samyang is still chicken ramen flavor, carbonara, isn't it?

Well, it's, it's, Samyang is chicken flavor, and they've added a carbonara element. Yeah, that's right. But that's what they've done with this, because they say chicken carbonara. I didn't realize. They're literally just trying to muscle in on the market. How many powder is? Well, they've ripped it off. I haven't heard of Hahn Kitchen.

No, neither have I. Well, that's what it is. It's a rip-off, and they've got the double sachet. And a powder one. You have a sauce sachet and a powder sachet. That's what I do is I add the sauce sashet quite early, and then I just chop up the carbina stuff and snort it. With that being said, do you want to crack on and make this now? Yeah.

In that case, noodles, please. Okay. Let me get my name on. Right. Oh, that's a good ring. It's noodle time. Hello, everyone. We're back.

We have tasted the noodles. I prepared the noodles. It wasn't perfect kitchen set up, and I didn't boil the noodles for as long as you need. We haven't tasted the noodles. They're pretty al dente. We're about to taste the noodles. For the very first time.

You want to go back it? Yeah, yeah. You've fucked it right from almost word three. That's my speciality, fucking it by word three. I often get the first two words out. Cheat. You are really good with your first two words.

I'll say that for you. I know. But your third, Rocky, ground. It's so... Oh, he's done it. Oh, he's done it, mother. I didn't think...

I don't think... I don't think Trousers Down was one word. Is it? It's hyphenated. Trousers Down. Only if it's actually a surname. Hello, I'm Barbara Trousers Down. Why would you...

Take your trousers down? I will. Thank you. Barbara. Oh my God, his list of names when he has to think of a name. It's Barbara. Or Jimmy.

Mine's Ian. Really? It's a good one. Keith, I always think of. Yeah, you've got a key fixation. All right. Now, I need noodle notes. That was your fifth word, by the way, you fucked.

Just keeping you up to date. We need Nick's noodle notes. Oh, I like that. Nick's noodle notes. You've tasted this and you're a big, big into this style, the Carbinar, the spicy chicken, bulldack, all of that stuff. Yeah, I'm a bulldak. How would you compare the hand? Well, can I eat it again?

Can I try it, please? Nick is going to try it again, even though he's tried it. The recording was lost because the power went out in the recorder, but now we're doing it again, so don't worry about it, chill everyone can't remember which ones. We can't remember whose fork was which, so hopefully no one's got the bad lurks. Right, okay, so this is, now, I like these fat noodles. They're good noodle size. But the, the, the, uh, consistency, like the texture.

Hmm, there's enough, there's enough girth to that noodle. There's a good news. To get your teeth into it. Because you know, sometimes you have the sliding noodle, which kind of slides past your palate and you don't get time to kind of get the flavor out of it. This is actually really reassuring to know that you can actually just put boiling water in a bowl and then let them soak in. The heat, the heat coach your tongue, right?

Mm, yeah. But it's a real sweet heat, right? All right, it's the sweetness of the sauce. It doesn't taste particularly carbonari, but neither does the samyang, right? No. What it does is it gives you sort of like an undertone, you've got the spicy chicken flavor, and then you've got the undertone of the cream. Yeah, the cream works against the heat, and together they come together.

And it's like I've said to you on the podcast, heat is one thing, but heat without flavour is pointless. It works for a deeply unpleasant meal. Yes, and this enhances. This is about like the, like the, like this spot. spicy nugs. Yeah, that's exactly what we're talking about. The spicy nutget with some,

just a little bit of nasty back of the throat heat that just hits you right at the end and has zero flavor. It has zero. Zero flavor. This, you've got the carbonara element, you've got the heat element, the chicken, all of it's working together.

Yeah, with the, with the nuggets, I almost, I think that, I think that, as we were saying, in the kitchen, the, uh, the burger, is it unprofessional. But the, but the spicy chicken burger that's doing Matt Donald It's good. When you've got, like, the lettuce in there and the mayo and it got the thing, it is actually really good spicy burger.

And I've had one from Popeyes and I've had one from... And you'd say McDonald's spicy, it's spicy, isn't it? That's what it's called. I think it's up there. I think it's probably almost better than the Zinger. But when you just... But it's got a combination of the bun and everything like that. Yeah.

When you eat the nuggets, the red hot nuggets, it's a wall of heat that hits the back... It doesn't coat your tongue. It hits the back of your throat and it goes down your throat. And it's just like... It's just unpleasant. It's just unpleasant. disgusting unpleasant heat and you just think how does McDonald's, how have they fucked

that? Because normally what you do in like a mass market, McDonald's-y type place. You do taste tests. If you go into Marks and Spencers they go, oh we've got three chilies on this one and you know that that's like a mild. Yeah. Yeah. And you're going to, it's disproportionate. It's like, it's the fucking

hottest thing I've ever eaten. And it's so disgustingly fucking it's a day. It's a day we're in a, right? They misfired on that. But, you know, if you ask me, they're misfired on the big arch as well, because I don't want to go back to a big arch was a fucking misguided attempt to create something new. It's so unsurprising. They go big arch, spicy nugs, oh, side mission, oh, everybody. Now, they forced it. Then they're like, after three months, bring back the Philly cheese stack,

which they fucking did. It's the best. They totally did. They just totally did. What's worked for us? Completely owned everyone else in the market for us in the last few years. The Philly cheese stack. It will come back. Have you had it? It's back already. It's fucking back. You've never tried it. I can't eat. Talk about cheese. What do you mean? You can't eat. What the fucking talk about Nick?

Do you know what my Matt Donnell's order is? You're going to hate me. Quarter pounder. No. Veggie wrap. No. Oh, is it spicy? Kids club meal.

No, but I did, whenever they have the rib. Oh, my God. I'll go for that. I did like, I did like a lick. I did like a little inhale those shit. I looked him right in the eye and I did the licking out of my. Oh, yeah. What a moment, a collective moment.

No, right, this is my, like, because I'm not eating so much at the moment, right? And so if I eat something, I've just got to eat like maybe a small burger or whatever, right? Okay. So I get a filial fish, but I take out the tartar sauce and I replace it with ketchup. It tastes like a fish finger sandwich. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, it whips my nads. It's fucking incredible.

That sounds excellent. That sounds excellent. It's a fish finger sandwich. Because, yeah, ketchup with fish fingers. That is a great combo, a real nostalgic combo. Can I ask, though, when you say, you? take out the tartar. You remove it on the menu.

Yeah. So then tartar hasn't touched it. You're not scraping the tartar. No, fuck that. No, I'm not adding my own ketchup. Now, these noodles. We want to score for you. Does anyone's care about my opinion? Take into account.

And I want to score and also like to say, basically, a comparison with the, with the Sam Yang. Well, how much were these for a start? They were, but a pound and nine pence, I believe. I think that's all right. I've got like a, like a Chinese supermarket that down Holloway road. I love that one.

They do their own homemade kimchi in that one. Oh, there's the supermarket, and then there's the corner shop up the road. Down from Archway. Down from Archway. Right, next to the, next to the, yeah, yeah. I love that place there. And it's a great noodle range there, don't know. Even when I don't go in, all right, I nod, and then they say, ha.

They're really nice and friendly. You should try their homemade kimchi. Comes in little takeaway boxes. Well, I always get like the coriander and the extra bits, the spring onions from the fridge while I'm doing it, right? But all of the noodles are, like, they have a whole, range there. And I'll normally buy a big bag.

But I think probably the individual packets are like three pounds 50, I would say, off the top of my head. Of a bulldack. It's not quite that high. It's not 179. It's 1. No, really, as cheap as that. Okay, great.

Now, I would say if they are the king, right, or queen, there'd be a 10 out of 10, right? I would say these, you know, bearing in mind that we heat them in a bowl and I'd normally do mine in a walk. Trying to ignore the texture because the texture could be improved. We didn't. Yeah, yeah. It could be improved, but it's not bad. Not that bad.

We just steeped them, by the way. It's not bad at all. It's al dente, but it's not uncooked. No. I would say, and, you know, this is going to knock your socks off, I would say if Sam Yang is 10 out of 10, I'd give this, what, a 9 and a half? Okay. And if you gave them to me without telling me, I would just assume.

Yeah, yeah. They do taste extremely similar, I have to say. It's the same thing. Paul Gannon also has an opinion on the noodle. Now, I'd like to add that if I could at this point. Moving to you, Paul. I liked it. Oh, good.

What do you like about it? Score out of five? You're not a heat man, right? No, I am very much a heat man. I love, love heat. And I especially like heat where it builds, so it's not like a punch up front. No, that's what I can put it up for, putting his chin-in-chin for. It's got dirty red Sam-Yang marks all over it now.

Better on this, execution's teetail, than my moustache. Exactly. You're right. You're welcome. You can have that. I know I'm welcome. I've been given it. Sorry.

Right. Did me get possessive of the teetail. I like this. Well, it's already been given to me. Okay. By your boss. Thank you. Ding.

I liked it. I like the heat. I like it when it's a building heat and not a up from whack in the face kind of heat. And that one's got enough flavour in the first bite or two. That before the heat even begins to properly register, you're all in. It's delicious. It's delicious. And I'm so glad someone else has noticed.

Almost sweet. Slightly sweet. Yes. And I would go so out of five, I'm going to go four. There is a good noodle. I'm going to rate it. That is our system out five. B plus.

Well, I'd give it. Four and a half out of five. Yeah. Nice. It's high. Nice. Good noodle. Solid. But I'm grateful to you, Nick, today. I'm clapping the noodle. I'm clapping the noodle. Until Nick starts, I will not stop. Thank you. No, you can stop.

Nick, I'm grateful to you for pointing out a truth about McDonald's so-called spicy nugs. You would just complete disconnect between the heat and the flavour. Yeah. I don't just want heat, just for heat saying. Oh, and the flavour of chili. The flavour, the flavour, the flavour that is enhanced by the tingle, the burn. Well, it's because they've teamed up with Frank's Red Hot, isn't it? And it's just like, yeah, sure. But like, that's a shortcut, though, in it?

The Zinger, it's like, it's a flavour. It's like, all right, it's the secret sauce. Whatever. Yeah, the secret spices. But also there's heat involved in that. And it's like a thing. It's a more tasty. And they've done it right almost everywhere.

Every spicy chicken burger. Not those spicy. Every spicy chicken burger, they do it right, and there's a variant on it. But with that, it's like, they've never even tasted another fucking spicy chicken burger. Yeah, isn't it? And I would just, I love spicy things. Or like, the spicy nugs is designed for me. Or spicy tenders, do you know what I mean?

It's just like, they sell them everywhere, right? But I would, I would, to this day forward, if I was getting nugs in a McDonald's, I would forego the spicy and go for normal nugs. I would just say it's just absolute fucking pure arrogance of McDonald's, just like going, we're not even going to taste anyone else's. we're just going to go our own way and it's just that you fucked it. As if they knew, as if they know

they were the right. They fucked up bad. They fucked it so bad. And the big arch sucked as well. But anyway, what was the big arch? It was their sort of new Wopper killer thing. It's like a massive two patty thing.

Big arch with its own proprietary sauce, big arch sauce. Just let it go. You know what? Just a tanged up version of a Maccadee sauce. Sure. Let it go. Don't let it go, guys.

Let it go, guys. Burger King are better. But McDonald's, is more convenient. No, I think after many years, I prefer McDonald's bitch. Do you know what? I never go to Burger King.

No, shit. No, you know, there's small burgers. The bread is shit. Yeah, the bread is shit. Paul pointed out to me and I can't look back.

I can't look back. The bread is just, it's, and you know, that's where the big arch fell as well. Because McDonald's, when you eat a burger, right,

a lot of it is structural, by which I mean, Paul's doing, wants to get himself from a face. I'm not all right. I'm actually, finding this interesting. No, I know you are, sadly.

It's a type of sandwich at the end of the day. So you want it to remain integral. You want it to remain a sandwich. So, a lot of it, how my enjoyment of a burger is about the burger remaining burger shaped right to the last bite. Like, you've got the bread, the cheese, get the patty, everything stay. That's why I don't like a Big Mac, because it all fucking slides out.

Big Mac slides around. But you know what? It's even better than a Big Mac. Is you get a, oh, no, it's a triple cheeseburger. Triple Cheeseburger. That's probably got better integrity than Big Mac. But what I'm saying is Burger King ones, there's lots of integrity issues and the bread is very crumbly.

Right. As opposed to having any elasticity to grip your patty. You want it to remain gripping the patty in the oven ingredients. Enclosing them, delivering them in an integral structure to your mouth. Anyway. One of the things that I crave about a filet-o fish, right, with ketchup rather than tartar sauce, is the bread. Yes. It's got, like, when they're the small buns that you've got, they're briosch.

They're almost brish, right? They're shiny, shiny little briosh. Yeah, without the sesame cheese. Have you seen? You must have. Go on. There's a new item on the McDonald's menu. Well, I don't go there that often.

Double filet of fish. Yeah, I know, but I don't. You wouldn't go double? No. Why not? Well, because I've got a tiny stomach at the moment because I'm barely eating. You don't want to push it. And so sometimes I realize I haven't eaten today.

It'll be like 4 o'clock in the morning and my throat. And my throat's hurting because I've been singing and stuff. So what I'll do is I'll eat a tiny little feller fish and have a, like a milk shake. And it just soothes my throat. Milk shakes. And it's just enough calories to kind of like keep you going over the day, you know. And you know what? I hate bananas in real life, but I had a banana milk shape from McDonald's.

Oh my God, boner alert. Absolutely fucking incredible. Sorry, Paul. You want to get on with the... Right, Paul. Unless we do the last segment of the show then. No, I just wanted you to sum up. Sum up your feelings on the noodle, that's all. Very good, almost indistinguishable from a Sam Yang original.

And part of that might be the texture. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, you know, and I don't think the texture's bad. I don't think so either I might do a noodle like this A pleasant snack, very nice One of the things we were saying

was we could crumble up a knick neck neck tangy and cheesy He could put that in there but it's going to be lukewarm now I just wanted to point out that this whole Carbonara thing Carbonara instant noodles is a trend and I don't know where it's going to end guys

It could end in like Bolognaise That's it Well no because there's already The pasta things we've seen You know Sam Yang have got this other Tangle have you heard seen these Sam Yang tangles

They're ribbon noodles They're like instant noodle Oh my God Like a tagliaterly. Yes, that's right. Yeah, yeah. You've seen it. Right, you have seen it.

No, no, no, no. They're like a cross of Korean with Italian. So there's a Bulgogi Alfredo. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We tried the mushroom one.

They'll have them around here, mate. Sure, are they spicy? No, no, no, no. They're like Italian-style Korean noodles. They're taken from the Carbonara, the success of the Carbonara. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but like, I don't know. I think that...

Carbonara invented in the Second World War. I think that, why? because of them, they reckon it's because American soldiers were in Italy and they had their rations included bacon, eggs and so the local Italians took these ingredients from the American soldiers

and created the Carbonara by adding Pecorino or Pecorino Roma cheese. Oh, yeah, you go. Do you know about the curry first? Curry verst is, yes, a sausage that they put curry on in Germany. It was the American and the British troops and the Americans bought the ketchup

and the British bought the curry powder and then they made... Yes. So many things are these mixtures. Do you know my facts about Mexican restaurants? I'd say it on all the podcasts. About Mexican restaurants in Scotland? No.

There's loads of Mexican restaurants in Scotland. There's particularly quite a lot in Edinburgh, all they were. And there's one down Coben Street and there's loads of Mexican restaurants. And do you know why? It's because Scotland were in the World Cup final in 1980. and when they went over to Mexico

and they came back and were like, where's all the Mexican food? Do you know where I found that? Do you know where I found that bit of information? Hairy bikers. You know, I'd always thought that in Edinburgh, you know, there was this whole fad of like into the 90s into the 0,000s of Mexican restaurants

as being a sort of party place. What was that big brand that you don't see around anymore? Chiquita. Yeah, that's right. Chiquitos. It was all about, you know, they were all. I mean,

I mean, no, they were all. They had one man. Slamming margaritas and having a fajita. They added chiquitos in centre parks when I went there this year. Was it bad? It's not good. It's not good.

It's very kind of fake, plasticy, cardboardy, almost breads and things. It's just completely underwhelming. And it's like, you know. So my friend said to his mum. Yeah. But I tell you where it's good. Taco Bell. I mean, you've got to be in the mood.

You got to get. You got to have a day the next day. You've got to have or eat it really early in the morning. Well, right. It's the, what you call it? It's just the plough. plain beef tacos. Yeah, that are the best.

The ones with... I like it crunchy. I like it crunchy. But the posh ones with the cream cheese. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. They're the Supremes. They're the Supreme. Yeah, no way.

Just the cheap ones. And then you're just like, you can order six of them to demolish them. Yeah, it's about a tenor. They used to do this thing in the States. That's well, 10 for 10. 10 for 10. 10 for 10. Oh, my lived in L.A.

That's one for each finger. They used to be, McDonald's would do a thing on a Wednesdays where it was like burgers were like 15 cents. Yeah. So they had to stop. stop people from coming in and buying like 50 burgers because they would just come in with a tray go and put it in their car and then feed their family

off it that night. Of course. Yeah, it was crazy. What would they do? Well, I'm just saying that families would come in and buy huge amounts of these burgers because they were like 15, 20 cents each. From where? From McDonald's. This is in LA. Yeah, they used to have like Wednesday, 15 cent burger. It was like 50 cent beer night at the Cleveland Brown.

People were literally using them to feed their families or feed their office workers and things like that. Of course, yeah. But they had to put a number on it as a result. Right. It's like, it's like, Like no more than 10 or something stupid. It's like when people say, I'm going to eat that big steak for the prize and then they actually manage it.

Oh, I heard a joke the other day. Oh, two things. Right, mate said to his mum the other day, oh, you know, Carbonara was invented in the Second World War. She went, nonsense. I was there in the 50s, and they had it then. Is that the joke? That wasn't a joke, man.

No, this is more than a side before. Someone's mental. It was a boomer anecdote. It was a boomer anecdote. She was wrong. A boomer dope. Just I thought that really encapsulated the boomer attitude. She's wrong.

Because she's right. And it's wrong even from the criteria given by him. She's saying it was invented in the Second World War. She's like, I was there in the 50s. The 50s was not the same period as the Second World War. It was later. But it's also used it. No, it couldn't have been because I was there then.

And it's like, well, no, you're wrong on every aspect. Yeah. You're wrong. But she's also using the fact that she was there to kind of top trump you. Yes. And it's just like, if you were there, then you should have fucking known. But there wasn't where the point of the point was. Yes, she was in Rome.

But no, but the point isn't that she was there at that time. No. It happened before then. Yeah, that's right. But she seemed to say that was when she wins the argument that it wasn't invented in 45 by saying she was there in 50 and it was there already. Well, that five years makes a difference. No, I'm saying she's got it the wrong way. No, I know.

My granddad was stationed in Italy. He was. And they, and they, what's call it? They freed Italy, right? What you call it? Liberated Italy. But they weren't allowed to report it because the next day the Americans came. and they had to claim it.

Wow. But he was fucking... The Brits, Liberty, Liberated Italy. Yeah, and then the Americans came in and claimed it. They had to claim the PR victory. That doesn't sound like a thing America would do. Not really. What's the second thing?

You joke? My joke. This is going to be... This is going to end the segment. I'm going to ring a bell on this. This might not be... Well, you're committed to it now. You'll be to edit that bit out of the podcast.

Can I just say... If you think it's too edge Lord, you can take it out. Can I just say I'm having a lovely afternoon. Thank you. Thanks, Nick. It is lovely to have you here. My dad told me this. It's a bit...

Is this the joke? It's not... Is this the joke? Right, there's a woman works in an office, yeah. Oh, no. There's all the bells going off. Furrowing over here.

She's buying and she's doing some photocopying. Yeah. One day at lunch. Your dad told you this, right? Yeah. You're open-minded. I don't know your dad. Is he all right?

He's fine. He's a psychoanalyst. Oh. So is, what, a really angry analyst? No. Shut up. You can tell he's like a professional... I'm on, I'm sharp.

I'm sharp as attack. A woman in an office A man comes over and smells her hair Oh god And goes oh that's lovely Right Lovely smelling hair Lovely so

Oh what lovely hair There is a way of complimenting people On the way they smell that Without being a Yeah Okay I'll get to the end of the joke Sometimes you just go

Oh you smell nice Yeah Oh you're all right Yeah You know she was like Maybe he's just being nice Yeah Did he come in and go

Can we just get to the end of the joke I mean by all means Yeah Yeah Yeah Go on You smell nice You smell like

Nick, that's the different day. The next day, it's a different day, yes. To the first, okay, okay. So the next day, she's in the office again. It's a Tuesday. All right. The first day was the Monday. And then he comes in and he goes, you smell nice, but it's not as intense as yesterday.

She goes, yeah, I haven't washed. Yeah, no, I didn't use my timot. No, I haven't had a shower. Exact same thing. He goes, oh, your hair smells lovely. Lovely hair. She's like, thank you. All right.

Next day, same thing happens again. That's three days now. Oh, your hair smells lovely. And it's a rabbit in a hutch. Can you please stop trying to guess the joke. I'm trying to get to the end of the joke. Sorry, you forget I'm a professional. I know, so don't, just keep it in and let me have my moment.

It's like that bit, Last Boy Scout. Can you guys? You know Last Boy Scout? And he comes in and he goes, my friend's in that cover. And she goes, how's you work it out? He goes, you forget, I'm a detective. And it's like, well, let's not start celebrating mediocre Bruce Willisville.

That's not fucking mediocre. It's not a horse now with Hudson Hort, mate. Those two. Why is it those two? Anyway, Hudson War is, Hudson Hort might be his best film. I did a smirch pod with John Wayne The Nix of the Diardt. Obviously Diard 5 is a classic

Here's what I'm going to say about Hudson Hawke. I love Hudson Hawks. I miss that Bruce Willis. You know, that cheeky, smirky, Bruce Willis is gone. He used his fame from Diard to make a quirky action comedy and it's a comedy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's fucking brilliant. It's quotable. Bernie, Bobball! I guess you would be able to go to that hack convention in the fall. That's great. Okay, guys, can I tell the rest of the joke?

So, third day, man goes in, sniffs a hair, lovely. yeah oh that smells delicious is this joke still going on yes please because i need to get to the end of it it's like ruddy carpet it's ready it's ready it's ready it's ready it's ready it's said to the made way and then on the thursday for the fourth time my way what is that an impression of funny corbett obviously stop please a piece of griffin yeah he's ready good it sounds like the fourth day he comes in oh yeah it smells so lovely she because that's it i'm going to hr hang on recap this it comes in on monday he smells her hair it goes great that's

Tuesday, he comes in and he goes, oh, God, your hair smells. Smells a hair. Smells good. Third day. Smells a hair. This is Wednesday, right? Thursday. Fourth day, Thursday.

She goes, this is, I don't have to put up with this. I'm going to HR. This is ridiculous. You know what I mean? Going to HR. She goes to HR, sits down and she goes, this guy, John keeps smelling my hair. He goes, oh, what, John the midget?

Right, let's play the price of shite, everyone. Because you're sniffing a crotch. No, no, mate, don't worry, we got that bit. We got that bit. Sorry. Ooh. Anyway, you can see Eli on the wheel, tappers and shunters club next week. It would only work with the word midget.

That's the problem, which you're not meant to say these days. Anyway, I'm a very short man so I can get away of it. Yeah, because that's all right then. Because that's the offensive part. Yeah. Right. Let's get on with the next part of the show. All right, good.

I will retract that earlier statement when I said I'm having such a nice afternoon. Let's pray the price of fucking shite. Price of shite, please, Mr. Silverman. Here we are. Oh, God. Are we going to start with the bell dingin or are you going to start with your coughing? It usually is a bit of boat. Every time he rings that bell, you start hacking stuff up.

Is that like a... What's it? Love's dog. It's Pabstov's hack. I was going to call it Quay-Choff's dog. Jack-off's dog. Right. Eli, Price of Shite, Quet theme now.

Oh, it's the fucking prize. It's the fucking prize. No, no, no. It's the fucking prize of shod. Do you want to start again? Yeah. Fuck's sake. Three, two, one.

Oh, it's the fucking prize of shite. It's the fucking prize of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. That's right. That's right. And welcome. It's impossible to know what's going to be in the actual episode at this point, isn't it?

We're not completely sure when we start recording, but we are playing the price of shite, and what that involves is we've got a couple of items for you to guess the prices of. It really is that simple. I fucking love those noodles. I'm going to play against you. Yeah. You're going to be playing against you. We've been playing for betwiings.

Yeah. For what? Betwings. That's what we call points in this game, Nick? Right, yeah, yeah. You think someone who listens would know that's not. I do listen, but I normally like you're out and about one. Well, you should listen to the new river one

It was very good To be honest I mainly listen to my ones Edit points Right, okay Coffee's not going with the noodle Eli versus Nick Helm In a price of shite

Face off Eli explain the point system Although I've kind of amended the points for this For a little bit of a spin In a bit of a bit of a thing Okay should I tell them the basic point system The basic game Nick Should you care to play today

Because you don't have to I've got to say something Because I'm not listening to what you're saying I would say that the knick-knacks cheesy ones amongst one of the very worst things that I'll never eat again but these noodles I will come back to that time and time again so it goes from one extreme to the other never eat again but we'll eat that every day

it was a show of two halves very much so alright sorry I'm listening now I'm listening points we'll be guessing the price of various items Nick if you should guess the price and you get it exactly right spot on. Like, if you say £2, then it is £2, £2, what will happen? Then you will earn two betwiings.

Between, but is there, you mean exactly right? Yeah. So we are dealing with pence as well here. That's right. In certain circumstances. So with every pound, you know, within each pound, there is a hundred pence. But you see, but this is where we've got your back, because what happens if you're close, but not quite on the actual price?

Say you get it within a 25p band. below the actual price. Or above? Because what was the... How much were these cheap new? 1 pound 37 or something? 37p. These were 39p these new dose.

Oh right, right, right. So it is a 9. But yes, you get one per twing if it's 25p either way. Will we be playing the quids gambit today? There is no quid's gambit today. So let's not waste time explaining what it is because we're not doing it.

However, I will say this. The ceiling for everything that I've got today is nine pounds. So all together, these items come to nine pound. exactly. It comes to £9 exactly. However, I'm also offering bonus points because I have three items. Bonus for twins.

If we get, what, enough points we get to bonus? Bonus. Right. So there are three items and you'll get a bonus point if you can tell me which one came from a charity shop, which one was bought on eBay and which one was an Amazon on sale offer. Say that again. I've got a real problem with concentration today.

Three items, three prices. Altogether, the prices come to $9. quid and you can get a bonus between for if you can tell me if the item came from a charity shop, eBay or Amazon. All together, the prices come to exactly nine quid. Right, right, right, right. To help you. That's the ceiling.

Okay, so we've got other free bonuses, eBay? eBay, charity shop, Amazon. But you'll be asking us, sir. Yes, I will ask you. And what's the other thing that I want to know is, do we get to see all three of them before we start pricing them or does it want? Well, price them one at a time, but then we can go back and we'll revise if we want at the end.

So, because you were coming, I want to do something for you. So today's got a jaws stroke shark theme. I was looking at. Because I've got a jaws bathroom, toilet. Yeah. And I, and you know that, you gave me like a... Oh, the soap plug thing. The sink plug thing.

It's just a plug, guy. It's a floaty, weird chalkbook. It's not floaty. It uses suction. Oh, I thought it was a... No. No. And, uh, but I've got that stuck to the wall in my bathroom. Yeah.

I love it. You might have some more shit to take home with you right now. The more... The jaws, the merrier. Here is. Now, don't forget, I'll just put this in the envelope. Ignore the envelope for now. So here's the first item.

Here is the first item. That's Amazon, is it? I imagine. No, no, I've just put all of it in the Amazon folder. No, okay, okay. Right, that's the first item. So I need the price where you think I got it from. Oh, hello, thank you very much.

Have you left the price on the back there? No. Well, what are the options? Nothing, you just look at it. Tell them what it is, for instance. Well, it's a jaws tin sign, right? Of the jaws poster. It's had the rust effect.

I've got so much jawed stuff in my, in my bathroom, but I don't have the actual Jaws poster. Oh, really? I've got variants on it. I've got a Jaws poster from the movie Jaws, but instead of the woman's... Stop sneezing.

I've got the Jaws, but if you want to cough, Eli, you let it out. But I've not got the actual classic Jaws poster. I've got this, but instead of the woman swimming, it's the orca. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've not actually got the classic one, so that's lovely.

So... And you know what? Well, even better than that. Next to my toilet, obviously, there's a toilet roll holder and then there's obviously a gold-framed piece of artwork of the mouth with the orca through the... Oh, yeah, the jaw-like thing. Quints, like a shark mouth, and you can see the orchard in the background, right?

But what happened yesterday was that I've actually got myself a shark toilet roll holder where it's a big shark and it's got its mouth open and then in between it. That's where the toilet paper comes out. So I took off. the actual toilet roll holder that I bought the flat with yesterday last night and I stuck the shark toilet roll holder in but there's no room for the gold frame thing anymore and that will fit in exactly that spot. He's well excited by this.

I am. I'm going to go straight home and whack it on the wall. It's a nice little thing. It's sort of a one quarter size of a movie poster. It's like two postcards. It's pretty much A5. Yeah, yeah, A5. I like the fake rust effect.

Would you want to know something like that? I've got a tin. One of my favourite things I've got is I've got a tin number plate of the number plate that they pull out of the shock. But I got one and it was like white and blue, like perfect. And I had a late night ADHD bipolar-inspired shopping spree and I replaced it with one with the rust on it. And I started that on the wall last night.

And I found it so fucking satisfying just replacing this clean, bright, white, new number plate with this rusty one. So you didn't weather it, you just bought another one. I just bought another one. And I'm going to give that one away at Fuckfest in some sort of prize raffle. Fair enough.

Fuckfest is your yearly charity Christmas show. We featured last year. We featured, we're warm up. We were warm. Warmbience group. I had someone say, we really enjoyed Fuff Fest last year. That double app that came on, they were weird. And I was just like going, I don't remember a double act.

And they just kept going on about it. And he was talking to me. And then there was horror in his eyes as he thought that he'd misremembered something. And then I remembered, I was like, do you mean cheap show? And he goes, yeah. He was, they were weird. And I was just like, yeah, right, okay. They didn't listen to my instructions and they went off piece.

So I'll bring you back this year, but only if you fucking do what I tell you to do. Yeah, we'll do. You'll have a much better time if you stay within my parameters. We'll do. It will stick way within your parameters. Now, I've got a question. Don't play. As our resident Jaws expert, this thing,

is this the original artwork from the original poster? But not from the original book. No. No. This is the poster. And it's funny, because I've never noticed his eye looks a bit. His eye's quite prominent. The shark's eye, his left eye.

Do you see, it's all poking round the side of his face? Yeah, it is quite prominent. Yeah, yeah, I've never really noticed that. But there is, but there is, It's been like a slight evolution to the design of the shark over the years. Oh, there has? Yeah, slightly, yeah. I like it when you see all the original footage of the Universal Tram tour,

and you see their version of what they thought the shark would look like on the tour, and it looks nothing like the movie, nothing like the poster, it looks like a bad punching Judy puppet, which is weird teeth. One of my pride of places in my toilet. Have you got one of those? It's like a, what, an A2 framed picture. It's probably not. It's probably A3 framed picture of the tramed picture of the tram.

ride and the teeth the teeth are like huge comically big pollen on it I mean back on that one yeah but do you mean the tram ride or the universal ride in the 90s I went to Universal in L.A

in L.A and that's the normal tram ride that's the tram ride because Florida has the more well it had the oh no this was in LA but I had the jaws yeah I went to Universal Studios in 1993 with my family

yeah that's what I went and we went in the summer of 1993 Jurassic Park was coming out everyone was buzzing about Jurassic Park and we went on a random day right we went

and we had vouchers to give to members of the cast and you know the staff that were there and if no we had to give them ratings out of 10 and if we did we got like frozen ice

frozen yogurt vouchers right so we went on this Jaws ride it was absolutely fucking incredible it was so incredible it was the bit of the ride

itself though where you go into the barn and it's got the whole it's got the queue where you're in Amity. It was absolutely fucking incredible. We went on it, right? We gave the member of staff like a 10 out of 10.

We got frozen yogurt vouchers. We never had Ferguson yogurt before. It's 1993. We're British. I can't believe it. We would just get used to avocados. And then what happened was at the end of the holiday, we were allowed to go back, right?

To any, to any, to watch your favourite park and we'll go back there. Went back to Universal. We went to the jaws ride. It wasn't open. We went on the tryout day. Oh, right It wasn't even open Wow

We went on the Randomly We went on the tryout day So before it officially opened They were giving it a test run That's why I wanted to everyone to score How lucky It was famously like erratic

And kept breaking down They first opened it Because it was so hugely complicated As a build Because you're dealing with not just like pneumatics But underwater pneumatics And props and explosions

They got it wrong And we went to see it when it Reopened because they redesigned it I've got the book About the drawers When you say pneumatics Do you mean hydraulics? No, because it was air.

Because they were new with them. Air is pneumatic, hydraulic is water. Yeah. I love everything about drugs. And you know, it fucks me off that they closed that just so they could put a fucking train station to Harry Potter. Yeah. It's just like we're also the Tower of Terror to for Guardians of the Galaxy.

You go, you're fucking mental. Unforgivable. Because Tower of Terror is my favourite. That's the reason to go to Disney. I just think it's absolutely incredible. I never did it. Well, we could have done it when we went to L.A. that time. But it's a separate park.

It's in the California adventure. Do you know what? If you go to Japan, Universe. to Japan has still got the jaws ride. Oh, does it? I've always wanted to go to Japan. Let's go to Japan. Let's go to Japan with Cheap Show. We could. Well, they got the jaws ride there. I would do anything. But now Universal, they've just got the fake shark hanging up.

Yeah, that's it. It's a photo opportunity. But fuck me. You know, and they got rid of all the Universal Monster stuff there as well. Just in general. They just replaced everything with screen-based rides and gave Van Diesel little, fucking huge, big, fast and furious experience. What is your price? Oh, yeah. And again, you can change this. Remember, we have three items. The absolute ceiling, the real ceiling, is nine pounds.

Altogether. It actually came to nine pounds. And each item either came from Amazon, eBay, or a charity shop. So I want a price. eBay or a charity shop. Price firstly from you, please, Nick. I think it was two quid. All right, I'm going to write that done.

From a charity shop. Okay. Because I think the sticker on the bat looks like Tiger, right? Either way. Eli, what are you saying then? What are you saying for it? Eli, what are you saying for it? Oh, yeah.

If it was from Amazon, I would say it was probably at $4.50, $3.50. So you're saying $2.000 and from a charity shop. What are you saying for this? I'm saying £2.50 from Amazon. $250. I might change that. Well, we can go through at the end and reevaluate. Next item, please.

Next item is this. You said that. Really authoritarian and official. Thank you. It was like, you know, Anteaterna in the 90s. Mr. Helm, put your hand out. Oh, my fucking God, that's gorgeous.

Oh, that's gorgeous. For the listeners at home, in my hand, I have a little golden book of Jaws. And it's a pop, a funco pop edition. It's called Big Shark Little Boat, a book of opposites. And it is absolutely fucking beautiful. It's a kid's book version of the Jaws film. Kind of. It's beautiful.

it's uh yeah right okay it's from the point of view of the shark where uh the shark is being brutally murdered by well this is the thing if you take off all the edges of jaws and just have it as three many meter shark that's kind of the book yeah it's uh yeah it's uh it's where a beautiful shark gets murdered by uh an alcoholic a coward and uh overprivileged uh millionaire a little preppy boy yeah he was he was a son of a millionaire richard Yeah, Dreyfus is a character. But that's what, because there's the class struggle. I mean, it's an amazing film.

He's falling off, isn't he, in his later years. Dreyfus. He was always a prick, though. He was famously always a prick. When he was making Jaws, he was doing interview saying, this is shit. It's not going to be a good film. And him and Roberts, Robert, Shaw. Sure, yeah.

They fell out quite. They did not get off. Yeah, yeah. And I think it's like, Robert Shaw was an alcoholic. And Richard Dreyfus. He was a novelist, Robert Shaw. You know that? Well, he was a poet and a novelist.

I've got one of his novels. And? I didn't read it. I sounded very racist. Well, maybe you should read it first before you start accusing Robert Shaw of being a racist. I have a look at that book, please, Nick. Yeah. So I've got a few of these because in America, golden books is kind of like the children's, like, ladybird in this country.

That's what I wanted to say. I haven't had these little golden books growing up. I think we had some growing up. They've been around for years, decades. I've got a night before Christmas. Yeah. You know, little golden books. I've got Ghostbusters, 2016 Ghostbusters.

haunted mansion ones of these. Oh, right, but mine aren't film-based. Mine was like an actual... On the back, I think it even shows you just general... Yeah, right. It was like nursery rhymes and... Yeah. Yeah, we had them in the 80s, but...

Okay, now, this is kind of cool. Is it? Isn't it a bit like, you know, you grow up, you love Jaws and you're, you know... And then you have kids and you like, you want them to be into Star Wars and Jaws and everything. And so this is sort of a compromise. It's sort of like a compromise. That's why we've got...

Can't I just have my own stuff? Why is my children's book has to be based on your horror film? No, no, no, this is for adults. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. This is for adults that are stuck in their infantile stage, right? And I love it. And I've got a joyous toilet.

Oh, yeah. I do like the Bill's policy. Do you have? These are like hardback. Yes. These little golden books are hardback children's books. They're like little hardbacked chattletes. You could chew them.

Yeah, I used to love chewing books when I was a kid. I've got Jaws' toilet, but do you know, Shane Ritchie is a Planet of the Ape's toilet. And when every sits down for a shit, the planet of the ape starts automatically playing. I don't know if it starts from the beginning. I would just start from where you'd last finish your last year. This is 90s news. 90s news. This is 90s news.

I don't know if he still has it, but that was the thing. You're going to need a bigger toilet. Have you ever said that after? Take your hands off me. You know, stinky shit hands, man. I'm going to say 399. Oh, that's what we do with that. Book.

599 Amazon. All right, so Amazon Hang on the price on the back I'm changing my answer I'm changing my answer What to? Amazon I think this is from Amazon

Okay And then how much And I think the poster was from a charity shop So how much did you say it was sorry 399 399 And what did you say Nick I said 599

599 and if I think the 10 is But if you changed my answer for the poster I'm saying charity shop for posting It means a little about another two quits of place I have now changed it Okay, let's see the third item. What's the third place?

It's Amazon charity shop and? eBay. Right, so here is. Oh, eBay can do this. Well, let's see, wait till we see the third item. Well, let's see the third item. And it is this. It's a game called Shark Bite.

Amazing. I've had that in my Amazon shopping cart for maybe three years. Ah, it must be Amazon then, eh? Well, no, it could be anywhere, but I've seen it. It is. It is a plastic kind of. Imagine, what's that game with the Toomy game with the daggers? Yeah.

A pop-up pirate? Yeah, it's got that kind of mechanic. You've got this plastic shark head that you squish down and you put food in its mouth and then with a fishing rod, you pull it out and eventually... Snap! Yeah, so I'm going to set this up for you two to play.

Oh, right. Because there was a Jaws game that was like Bukaroo that came out in the 70s that I think they just re-released of an extortionate amount of money. Oh, my God. Imagine having an original one of them. A Jaws version of Baccaroo, original from the 70s.

Oh, my God. Do you think they did... That's not to be mistaken for... fish food do you fish food is that that's a type of ice cream it's a type of food

um that had got me for some reason do you think they did so good it derailed you do you think they did George lunch boxes yeah

yeah well also you know what's the first ever blockbuster um well it invented the apes canadings no

it invented the blockbuster invented the modern blockbuster Summer blockbuster but Planet the Apes had TV series, cartoon series toys I love Planet of the Apes but I think that

I think the sequels did that and the TV series came out the fact that they built the sets now and we've got right we'll just film it in the woods I think that that came out probably near a conquest for the Planet of the Apes

I don't know why they kept that franchise going well the third what's your favourite what's your favourite I've kind of the one where they go back in time yeah third one

escape from Planet the Apes yeah amazing it's up there with the Star Trek 4 when they go back in time. Do I mean? I think I just like stuff when they go back in time. Well, not really, but I love... That's Star Trek 2, mate. Star Trek 2 is the one with the whales.

Star Trek 2 is the Rathoran. No, no. Do they go back in time? Rathoran. Spock dies at the end of Star Trek 2. They go back in time and... Star Trek 4? Because they go back in time. Star Trek 4? Yeah, yeah. Star Trek 1. Star Trek 1? The motion picture, right? Star Trek 2, Rath of Khan.

Spock dies at the end. Star Trek 3, the search for Spock is when Spock comes back to life again. And at the end of it, 4 is the Voyage Home, and it's part three of the internal trilogy in the Star Trek saga, which is 2, 3 and 4 are all connected. Yeah.

And Voyage Home is the last part of that. The first one, which is my favourite. I saw that at the cinema. My mum took me to the Holloway Odion and I've loved that place ever since. I love that cinema. But the first one, people have been saying it's pretty good.

It's been re-appraised, put it that way. It's all right. It's not, it's very slow, and if you're in that mood, but people say the original alien is slow, and the thing is about the original alien is, I love the tone. Yeah, and I love the experience of watching something that is slow, it's like this creeping dread, right?

I love that. It's like a haunted house. I don't need, like, explosions everywhere, but I do like aliens as well, but alien is, for me, what I love about it is the tone. Yeah. But it's like people that watch Star Wars. And the art direction. Everything about Alien is amazing

but the tone and the pace of it It's like when people watch Star Wars And they go, the light saber fights They're much better in the prequels And you go, yeah, but the originals aren't About the lights Yeah, yeah, yeah Dicks

Are we going to play this? All right, yeah Sorry, I've got a microphone My microphone is right in front of it And when you roll it It'll either tell you to pull out one thing from its mouth Or two things from its mouth

Do we have a fishing rod each? No, only the one fishing rod Which you have to hang out So you're going to need to hold the rod in your hand. Is this it? You've got to just basically... Well, you've got to roll the dice first. Hang on.

And then that tells you how many to pull out. But it's no more complicated or less complicated than Bukaroo. No, but you're just... Well, I think Buccaroo, you're using your hands to do it, right? Well, you're using your hands to do this, aren't you? But you're using your hands to pop it on. No, you've got like a barrier in between your hands and the faster. Yeah, but that makes it even more difficult then, I would argue.

Well, that's what we just said. That's not what you said. That's not what you just said. It's no different. and then you've just said now it's harder. I would say it's a little bit harder the Buccaro is what I'll say. So you've got to roll the dice. Roll the dice and it will tell you how many you can fish out.

How many? One. He's pulling out the first one. Now, you need to give it a bit of a tug because they're in there. There's one. It's one or two. It's only one or two. It's only one or two.

It's one or one. So you can pick any one you want. And do you get different points if it's a lobster or... No, it's about whoever doesn't set it off wins. Oh, lobster? Pratt. I've got lobster rolls. I saw that.

Mad. As in like a lobster roll Like they have a burger and lobster? Yeah. Have you ever had a burger and lobster roll? I have not. But I know I love a lobster roll. Oh my God.

It's the best thing you've ever eaten and there's a lobster roll from burger and lobster. We've started on food again, Paul. I know. That's fine. You do your thing. Here you go. He's got a green one.

He's pulling up the little green one. Green fishy. You have to give it a little bit of a tug to get out. Do I have to do the one that I've picked? I think you have to commit to one and then pull. Okay. What is it just randomly closes its jaws sometimes? Yeah, it's random.

When you pull it out, it'll either let it go or it will snap. Oh my God, it's a real tug job. Yeah, you've got to tug it hard. Is it stuck in a hole? Yeah, but you've got to pull it still. You've got to tug it quite hard to get it out. There you go.

Eli, is more difficult than you think it's going to be, Eli. Roll the dice. One. Again, I don't know which one sets it off. You're toying with the jaws of death here. Come on, here we go. Hey, nice tug. Jaws was originally going to be called Jaws of Death, I think,

or Jaws from the Deep. The book itself, and then he changed it to Joel. That was the last one of the stroke of genius. You're just missing an exclamation point at the end of it, but then that's how you turn it into a musical. Just a exclamation mark on the end of a word. Pick the yellow one.

That's fine. You can grab it and pull it out, as long as you've pulled it, that's all that matters. It still counts as a win, so you can draw it out. I just don't want to put my hands in there. It's like Peter Duncan in Flash Gordon.

I love that moment. All right. Roll it. One. It was terrifying because there was a Blue Peter host that was getting murdered by Ming. Oh my God, this is getting tense. Didn't they get a large guinea pig to play Toto? What, the band?

Right. How many was that? This is fucking shit. No, it's not. I'm sharing, engage in it. Paul, thank you for this. I'm so tense right now. Oh.

Well, you don't know really because you don't know which one's going to pop up. Well, you're not playing. but like there is a certain amount of tug factor to this last night. You need to roll the dice, please, Nick. Roll the dice because it might be one or two. Have you ever ever been said a two yet? It's just one. How many twos are there?

There's only one two, one two. One two. It's like you're doing a fucking sound check. Oh! It's no good. Look at the action. Oh my God. That is brilliant.

That is pretty cool, man. That is brilliant. Oh my God. That is fucking brilliant. But how much was it? And where did I get it from? Eli, what do you think? No, it's Nick's turn to choose first.

Yes, it is, Nick's right. Nick, your first go. How much? Where is it from? I think that... Do you know what? I think that this is... Oh, can I see the box?

I see what he's looking for wear and say, about whether it's in a charity shop or not. I think this is charity shop, and I think this is... I think this is maybe four quid from a charity shop. Okay. It's pretty well boxed, but there is damage to it. And I think that...

It's the sort of thing that he wouldn't. Eli, so what are you going to go with then? How much and we're from? eBay. eBay. Come on. How much did I say for... So far, you've said $2.50399, meaning altogether you've done what,

four, five, six, $650 basically. So it'd have to be £2.50. It would have to be if you go by that. But again, take the point in. We can lock it in and then we can change it. Can I tell you my thinking for this? Yeah, by all means. I'm going to say eBay 250.

All right. I think if you were... If you were buying this specifically on a Jaws theme I think this is the sort of thing that you would find in a charity shop and I would say the other two if you type Jaws in you would find them It's good, it's good thinking. Now I was going to be honest, I was going to try and get the official Jaws game. Oh, so you were looking for that and then this came up.

But it was like 70 quid in certain cases because it's just the original one from the 70s, super rare to get it complete in box or anything. The Buccaroo version. The original Jaws game, yeah. Not the board game that came out recently. no there's like five board game that board game is impenetrable it's like the fucking have you ever played the highlander game

is it too the highlander game the most difficult thing about that is getting it out of the box and then you put pop all of the little tokens out and then by that point it's midnight I've lost interested so the George game you want about do you ever play the Batman the movie game

from the fucking we've recently done that for the other channel for the YouTube town we've got complicated yeah what's so boring it's so boring it's so shit you go oh yeah congratulations eight steps you're in access chemicals. It's like, no, it's like, get the fucking game going to.

Okay, so yeah, maybe, I'm allowed to change my, I'm allowed to change my thing? Well, you've said two pound for the sign, $5.99 for the book and £4 for the game. Yeah, well, I'm going to change all that now. By all means. I'm going to say, I'm going to say the Jaws tin is from a charity shop and it was £1.50. All right, 150. I'm going to say that the book is from Amazon. Yep.

Hang on, I'm going to do the game first. I think the game is from eBay because you charge. typed in the Jaws game and this came up and I think that this is probably oh god I mean the book is the book maybe the book is the charity shop I mean the book looks expensive it looks too new it looks too new isn't it

and that envelope the Amazon envelope is exactly the right size for that also the exact same size for the slate as well really it's too big well no you see that Amazon pack shit I got a box that big and it had a fucking big ladle in sometimes they do but I'm having my opinion

sometimes they and you get the Yeah, you get the large bubble wrap stuff. Yeah. Okay, book. On the back, it says it's $5.99. So I would say the book, oh man, what is it? The book's a Fiverr. The game is, uh, nah, but three quid from eBay.

You're never going to spend that. Nine quid. This is impossible, nine quid. So maybe the book has to be secondhand because if you beat me today, this will be the first game of Price of sight I've lost in a bloody year or something. And I'll be so fucking happy. I think the book new would be too expensive to put it in this. in this round.

Do you know what I mean? So maybe the book is from the charity shop and it's, fuck it. Oh look, it's got a scuff on it. So you've said, George sign. It's only $5.99, which is only $4.50. Three pounds.

All right. Three pounds for the book. Yeah, and where from? Charity shop. All right. You said, Jaws sign was charity shop as well. Yeah, I don't think so. I think Jaws sign is Amazon

and I would say it's £3.5. By the way, who wins? He's got more fishyy, but I've got... Well, no, whoever sets it off, losers. It's that simple. So, so, that's that's that simple. You won that if you, that helps you get over the hump of this conversation. Yeah?

Hang on, what did I just say, though? I said £2 for the sign. You said $1.50 for the sign, and that was on Amazon. You said the book was £3. And that was a charity shop, and the game was £4 pound on eBay. I didn't hear what he said then, because you were talking over it. Did you know what that's done? It's made it even fucking longer for you, Eli.

Say it again, Paul. I'm normally on your side, but this time... He's turning against me. I'm not turning against you, but I am disappointed. All it took was competition. I should have done this fucking ages ago. Are you going to stick with those signs then? I didn't hear what you said.

It's one sign. You're doing it again. Sounds. He's not talking about the fucking Mel Gibson film, is he? Maybe. Right, the sign was 150 Amazon. That's what you said. You said the book is £3 in a charity shop,

and you said the game was £4 pound on eBay. Yeah, the game is whatever's left over. It means altogether 850 is what you've put together. No, I'm saying you just deliberately know what I said, didn't you? No, I did not normally say. I said, that is that, that is that. And then the game is whatever's left over. Yeah.

Okay. So you're adding the extra 50p. Well, that would need to be 450 then. Okay. Yeah. But are you saying that it's up to 9 quid or... No, it's exactly 9 quid. Right, yeah, so that's what I'm saying.

Well, here's the thing. You forget that sometimes it's not about being banged on the ultimate price that get you the betwings. Don't, it complicate it. He wants to spend 9 pounds. I'm allowing him to spend 9 pounds. But you spent 9 pounds. He spent 9 pounds. Okay, well, then the game is 450.

The book is 3 quid. And that takes us up to 8 pounds. and the sign is a quid from a charity shop. A quid from a charity shop. Oh, fucking, what has I fucking said before? I don't give a fuck, man. Eli, I'm moving on to you. We're going to lock this in.

You may have just lost. I may have just lost it. I just want to know. I don't enjoy this aspect of it. I want to be able to go, oh, well done. You found a bargain. You'll know very soon. Eli, you said two pound 50 for the sign.

The game is from the charity shop. The game is from the charity shop. It's three quid. You said the sign is from $3.99 on Amazon. The sign is from. Amazon, and the book is from eBay. You want to take a quid off the sign? Right, so that's going to be $150 now.

And put it on the game. Yeah. And you're going to add $3.50 for the game. So $3.99 for the book. $350 for the game, $150 for the sign you've said. And what did I say in vis-a-vis Amazon and etc? Sign, charity shop, book Amazon, game, eBay. And what about me?

You said, Jaws, sign. Just do it by bit. You're doing it. You're doing it. Oh, my God. fucking hell man fucking hell man just say sign

Eli Nick price price and then move on to that don't go through all of them and all of them I just need to go through this again so Eli said the sign was £1.50 from charity shop the book was $3.99 No and then Nick said the sign just do what Nick asks

just do like Eli says the sign was this Nick says the sign was this so at least for our own sanity we know what's going on Eli said the sign was £1.50 from a charity shop. He said the book was $3.99 from Amazon. He's doing it deliberately. I know, because I will lean into being that.

I wouldn't know how to use that. £1.50 each for the sign, you said. $1.50 each. For the book, Eli said $3.99. You said three. Sure, sure, £1.50 each for the sign, but where did we buy them from? Charity shop, eBay, Amazon, Nick. The book.

What? What? What? I said the sign of a charity show. We're just on the sign. Yes, you said it was from a charity shop. We're just on the sign now, Paul. Here's what I'm going to fucking do.

I'm going to tell you what you said, and then I'm going to give you the real answer. All right, we're going to get into it. No, no, don't want that. I don't want that. Oh, no, the time's up. I have to give you the final score. You're the one that's wasting a time, Paul.

We're telling you a smooth and efficient way of doing it. We can just say it once. What did I say for the George sign? And then what did he like to say for the George sign. You both said 150. You won't ever. We'll never get there. We'll never get there.

I've just said it. And were you paying attention to me? No, because you're all in your little busy, busy, busy, busy parts time, in it? Come on, right. It's a between, so I'm learning. How do you do this? We're locking in here. It's locked in.

All right. So, number one, the sign. Eli said one-fifty. I said £1.50. And then where did Eli say he was getting that from? And where did I say? Amazon. Right.

The answer is, the sign was a charity. shop thing. So Eli get to Between the verb. I'm feeling the power! Don't feel it for too long

because the price was three pounds for that. Oh fuck. From a charity shop? Yeah. Which charity shop? It was St. Luke's and Pinner. Oh, good for that.

Usually very good. Usually very good. So, uh, no point for Nick. What sort of? It's a hospice. Local hospices. Great.

Yeah. Well, good. Well, then do you know what? I'm happy to pay, pay more than you for something in a charity shop. Right. Right. The book.

Kids book, Eli said $3.99 from Amazon. Nick said £3 from a charity shop. Oh, I regret this. Can I change? No. I would say £4.50 from Amazon. The book was £2 from eBay? I mean £2 from eBay.

What did I say? Did I say eBay? No, you said charity shop for that one. Yeah, but eBay's kind of a charity shop. Yeah, but it's not really the right answer. I'm going to win this game down. However, we're going into the game. Did we both get it all wrong?

Yeah, basically, apart from one between. But, like, we both got the book wrong. Yeah. Yeah. So what was it? It's £3.50 from... What was the actual price of the book? It was exactly £2 on eBay.

Two pounds on eBay. It's a fucking good. There is a scuff on it, and that's where I was going with that. It's like... Finally, the game called Sharkbite. Eli said $3.50 in eBay. Nick said $4.50 from eBay. The actual price was £4 from Amazon.

So, unfortunately... It's come up a bit bashed around, isn't it? Do you know what? Is it second-hand from Amazon? No, what I did was I got it from Amazon but I threw the box around in my flat and took everything out and unwrapped it and then put it all back in

so you wouldn't instantly know it was a charity because that was the first thing I looked at wasn't it? Yeah, you were very wise to... You didn't even give us the box at first and I asked for the box, you must have had a real fucking... He loves it, he loves to set a little macabellian... He must have come in his fucking pants

when it's fucking... He led the he laid the breadcrumbs down and old Nicky snuffled them all up. You're like little fucking truffles. So, so only one between was scored and that was by Eli so unfortunately I have to say Eli won this week's price of shy

well played Nick oh no although Nick you're not going on empty-handed if you want any of this stuff you can take it home with you tonight can have all of it yeah you can have all of it because I got a real good juice for that cool he's looking at the jaws he's talking about using his knob

I mean by all means I'm not here to George that's another great idea well I was going to because I live alone I was going to use it so that at least something around there could kiss my ass Oh. But I will put my testes and... If you do put your full...

If you do put your full nuts in and set it off. Is that what he's called? Please... Right, let's wrap this fucking show up. All right. I just want to keep the admin short because it's the least interesting part of the podcast. Right, hello.

It is time to say goodbye. That was Cheap Show this week. Again, your one-stop shop for all cheap show. Show Things is our website, the cheapshow.com. You go there and you'll find us all over the internet from that one spot. We've got fortnightly cheap shot videos now. Also, you'll get early access to them if you're a Patreon. If you want to become a Patreon, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show.

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Nick, do you want to say goodbye using any and our... Oh, you're a taxman, Ethan! I want to see if the shark would snap on my hand, and it fucking did as well. That's going to really work when I go home. Is that going to go in your bathroom then? The book, what's going to go in your bathroom? The sign's going to go in your bar from? The sign's going to go. So it's space for it?

The sign is going to go next to the toilet roll hold it, I think. Okay. The book is going to go on my jaws themed bookshelf in my room, where I've got stuff like... I've got... I've got the Jaws novelisation. I've got the Jaws book. I've got Jaws 2 novelisation I've got the Jaws the Revenge novelisation There is no Jaws 3 novelisation

I've also got the alien novelisation the Alien 3 novelisation Look they're just... Whenever I see them in charity shops I snap them up Because apparently there's a burgeoning collectors mark Yeah there's two I have that I love Wes Kramer's New Nightmare novelisation

and Gremlins 2 novelisation because there are both sequences where the gremlins invade the book itself Well in the Gremlins too Of course because of the bit in the movie Yeah, it's interesting Wes Crave's New Nightmare book, the author is slowly being haunted by the demon Freddie.

And so at the end, the editor has to go, oh, the writer just disappeared. That's amazing. The Demolition Man novelisation is great, because you know how, like, Dennis Leary just pops up and then he disappears? Yeah. There's like, that explains the whole plot. On the ground, like, resistance thing, isn't it? And Sylvester Stone meets his daughter at one point, or he just, he works out.

Sounds like made by the 2049. It's like this huge kind of, like, subplot that's been cut out that's in the novelisation. And the true lies novelisation was really good as well. The other thing I'm back about novelisations is they're always based on early scripts and there's always stuff that ends up getting cut out of the final film which ends up being in a novelisation. Ghostbusters 2 is a great example.

There's tons of stuff in there about famously. Is it about the lawyer? Is Eugene Levy's character? There's a little bit of him, but there's also a lot more of Hardemeyer, the Jack, you know, the Merr's assistant. Because at the end of the Ghostbusters 2, you see him walk out of the museum.

It's like, why is he there? Because there's a scene early on where he's punching the wall of slime, saying how it's fixed. And then it sucks him in. sucks him in. There's also the bit where Ray gets... Yeah, spits his shoes out. There's also the bit where Ray gets...

He gets possessed. And he tries to drive Ecto 1 into a tree in Central Park. That's in the comic book bit. And they use that in the montage sequence where Bill Murray's like looking out of the window going, but that's from the bit where Vigo he fucking possesses him at the... And then when at the end, Ray turns into kind of like...

It makes more sense. You go, that's why? Yeah. Do you guys know where this recent fad of novelizations comes from? What recent... Tarantino. Oh, because he did Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

and his own novelisation. We're literally talking about novelisations that came out before that. Yes, I'm saying they're very much in the cinema zeitgeist at the moment because of Tarantino.

Just because he released his version of the film as a book. Yeah, but he also did a load of podcast where he said, oh, I love novelisation. Anyway, I've also got the He may be able to write scripts. Tarantino. But the book is dog shit.

Anyway, so I've also got the Jaws quiz book. I've got the novel Moby Dick. I've also got three men in a boat and I've got the Jean Simmons autobiography kiss and make up because the front cover

is basically in with his mouth open like jaws I see but he was a wanker right alien has got like several alien has got several jaws to it and Gene Simmons is one of the worst human beings that ever lived yeah like literally

it's not even a joke married Shannon Tweed which instantly makes me angry who Shannon Tweed was a soft core porn actress from the are they still together I believe so I think they were together for ages

but on top of that he like had sex with like thousands of women yeah yeah because he had a tongue like a serpent famously, didn't he? Well, I just saw one quote. And his other claim to fame was that he's never drank.

So he did all that sober. That's the one quote I saw him say from him where he said, no, people would be doing drugs and drinking at parties, but then they'd get too pissed of fuck and I'd just be there like cleaning up the gravy. Yeah, he's horrible. He's like a predator. He's absolutely gross.

He's gross, yeah. But so, you know, I think both of them are. But you like the music. I like Ace Freely but I think he's probably a bad person but I don't want to dive into that It's he the musical force behind the group No Paul Stanley

Paul Stanley's the lead guitarist and right There's like there's two leads right You got Paul Stanley and then you got Gene Simmons And then you've got Peter Chris who is the original drummer And Ace Freelie who was the original guitarist But they hated those two And so that's why they wore makeup So that they could fire anyone they wanted and replace them

Now Tommy Teia at the moment is their guitar player Do you know what Tommy Teia was doing Do you know how he met Gene Simmons? How well? He was their pool cleaner, right? He used to clean their gutters and clean their pool, and they hated Ace Freely so much that they replaced him with the pool guy.

Who can't play guitar? I mean, he can play guitar, but like when, I went to see him at the O2 and he's like on a platform that flies over your head and he threw like a guitar pick at me. I didn't bother catching that. You're not Ace Free. You're not Ace Freel.

Anyway, thanks for coming, Nick. Anyway, yeah. Aren't you going to promote one of your things? Yeah, I'm on tour, but also while we're on tour, While we're on tour, we listen to the kiss song, Christine 16, right? And it's about a 16-year-old, right? And it's written by Gene Simmons. And there's a music break in the middle.

And he goes, when I saw you walk out of that school, I knew I had to have you. I had to have you. And it's like, oh, my God. It's like, oh, well. Nasty man. Talk about getting an inny. Do you know what I mean? And with that, we're going to wrap this episode on.

I'm on tour until 29th of November. please come and see me at the Leicester Square Theatre on 29th of November please come and see me in St Albans on the 23rd of November and if you live anywhere near Harrogott I'm coming to Harrogate what's your fucking problem we've barely sold any tickets. It's the only one we've barely sold any fucking tickets for I'm near Calm. I love everyone and we'll see everyone for our live show 18th of October with Paul Putner and Realina

Love everyone Ah bye you want to win your Soho Radio show Go on to throw that one. Every two weeks on a Sunday 2 till 4 And the leave extraordinary board games every fortnight on YouTube but that's what I do now as well. House of Pickle Sound Show is the name of my radio show. Can I just say that when I go to the toilet,

I don't have Jaws automatically playing. That's a Shane Ritchie thing. I don't have any screening devices in my toilet. That's fine. I wouldn't expect it. Or I should also probably say even more than that. I don't have any filming devices in my toilet. Probably good.

I was so traumatised by Jaws as a child. How traumatised were you? I used to think that he'd come up through the toilet. The Jaws head would come up and eat me. through the toilet. Absolutely. All landlocked swimming pools. Yes.

And even in the bath, right? Yeah. And I would say the bit endures when he glides under the water and he kills the estuary victim. Yeah. Like that is the single most chilling shot in any film of all time. And even to this day, even though I've seen it thousands of times, when I watch that in the cinema, I have to take my feet off the ground. Or if I watch it at home, I have to take my feet up and pop them up on the sofa. Anyway, it's the Jaws 50th anniversary this year.

It's a George's 50th anniversary this year. Go out and celebrate like it's 1975. See you next week, a cheap show. Bye. Bye.