CheapShow - Ep 46: That's Life!

Episode Date: June 14, 2017

It's cheap gossip magazine time and, as it turns out, there is not too much humour you can derive from articles about domestic violence, harrowing illness and personality quizzes... and it doesn't help that Paul has just discovered a wacky sound effect app for his phone that he hopes will lighten the tone somewhat. He is wrong. Eli, in turn, brings the food for another delightful Cheap Eats segment. Despite the usual collection of bargain foodstuffs, the cheap chaps finally get their hands on the holy grail of muck... And its not good. Not good at all! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz!

Right, Eli, give us an introduction to this brand new episode of the podcast formerly known as... It is still known as... Yeah. Right. Formerly known as The Unclickables, and now currently known as the world-trending, super-hot podcast we all know and love. I mean, who's doing the intro? Am I doing the intro? Is this your little pre-intro to the intro? It's my little cold open.

Oh, is that what it's called in the fucking... In the biz. In the biz. You fucking know. In the biz, darling. You ready then? I've been working on this.

Go on. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so excited to introduce to you... No, I'm just going to... I'm so excited to introduce to you the world of announcer and introduction maestro, actor, legend, sex beast,

Barshan star, actor in the Clankerman, writer and director. No, he didn't direct that. Writer and actor of award-winning Clankerman. It's not award-winning yet. It might do in the future, and then this is all prescient. This is not the intro, Paul. It's not award winning yet. It might do in the future, and then this is all prescient.

This is not the intro, Paul. This is just... Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the podcast, for the first time, Eli Silverman with his introduction to the brand new episode of Cheap Show. Hit it. Just calm down. Don't look at me. Alright, I won't look at you. Hello everybody! It's Cheap Show again! It's another new episode, I'm Eli Silverman and here is your co-host today!

It's Paul Gannon everybody! Well that was unnecessarily loud and will be an awful edit in the edit But hello, welcome to Cheap Show. This is episode, brand new episode. It's 45. It might not be because I had to butch up the last few and slice them all together. So episode 39 ended up being episode 44. Okay, it's episode somewhere in the 40s. It doesn't matter what number episode it is.

If you're a newcomer, we want you to feel like you don't have to have heard the previous 48 episodes of what iTunes is calling new and noteworthy. You know? Also, we were in the top 50, very briefly, of comedy podcasts. Have we dipped back out again? I'm just saying by the time people listen to this, we might have dipped out. But at time of recording, in the UK on the iTunes charts, we were in the top 50 of comedy podcasts. Very exciting.

So, we've got another great episode for you and... Have we? Apparently. You've got it all written down there.

In me little book of cheap thoughts. What's the first thing on the Bill of Fair? We need to also say right now thank you to everyone who's given us money on Patreon.

We didn't know what kind of response we were going to get and the response we've had is fantastic. So, everyone who's supporting us, thank you. We didn't know what kind of response we were going to get, and the response we've had is fantastic. So everyone who's supporting us, thank you. Thank you very much, everyone. Thank you.

I would like to come round, nozzle, perhaps do... Oh, that's good. That's a good noise. What's that? Did we tell him to be quiet? And what's he doing? What's he doing? He's doing something with something and something else. He's literally like percussion

or something. Sorry. Back to the sexy thoughts in a second. I'm just going to check. All I'm saying is we are once again in the House of Pickles using the lovable but sometimes not particularly good Yeti microphone.

Hello. So we're using that in the house of pickles it is one of the hottest days of the year and me and eli are in we are in eli's flat in a hot sweaty house of pickles on a hot day I need to emphasise the word hot quite a lot and so yeah it was the boiler is it the boiler the boiler this is this is what life is like in the house

do you know what people say cheap show this is how cheap it is two guys in a hot room on a Saturday sweating it's Friday

is it Friday it feels like Saturday it does can I just keep my sex talk? Can I keep doing the sex talk, please, Paul? Anyway, the point is that we're in the House of Pickles again, and it's another hot day. I'd like to come around and nuzzle you.

At least give a bit of warm-up, mate, before you get straight in there. If you give on Patreon... Yvette? Yvette? Did you say Yvette? No. You said Yvette if you pay on Patreon. I said... Who's Yvette? Yvette Fielding, Yvette, if you pay on Patreon. I said...

Who's Yvette? Yvette Fielding from Most Haunted. No, not her. Yvette Fielding, if you are listening, and I know you do, love, because you retweeted that tweet once. Did I tell you this? I was live tweeting Most Haunted, playing my Most Haunted bingo. Yeah.

As I created a grid, and you can play along with me on Twitter. You watch Most Haunted and cross off all the things that are likely to happen. Like, Yvette has a nervous breakdown. Definitely going to happen. Anyway, I tweeted, because she goes in, there was one part within the doc, and Yvette said, ooh, get off.

Who was that who touched me? And I tweeted something to the effect of, those are the exact same words Yvette uses in bed with her husband, Carl. Ha ha ha ha ha. She retreated that. She's obviously a game bird. I shouldn't say that.

Legally, I think you can. Okay. Also, could I just say, I'll come round come around there oh yeah get us right back into that any patreon people yes you get this from me so grateful i'm in my mind i'm around your flat looking at looking looking in looking in the key oh see this this is the creepyometer right now've got... I'm nuzzling myself. What? Nuzzling? I'm just rubbing my beard against my own shoulder, pretending it's someone else's thigh. And, uh, thank you. Just wanted to say thank you, really. That's all. Thanks.

Great. Thought it was going to get sexier. It could do. You know. The option's there. The option's there to get sexy. Well, please take that option. Well, no, I'm not going to now. Let's get this X-rated.

Early days. So if you give it on Patreon, maybe you'll get the full sex version. Yeah. My fantasy could... I swear to God. My gratitude fantasy could go through the roof. I swear to God, if anyone pays over $50, I will write Paul and Eli Slashfic and then get you to read it. Slashfic? Yeah.

Is that what they call it? No, there's a word for it. Shipping. Oh, is that when you reimagine that your favourite movie characters or whatever are getting it on?

Like, it's called Shipping, I believe. Yeah. I might be wrong. And what's that a reference to? Do you know? Star Trek. Because they're the first people

who did it. Early Slashers. Ul Hura. Ul Hura and Spura and Spock and Kirk oh it's gay it can be can't Ulhura be involved I'm sure there have been

one or two stories where Uriya Uriya what's her name Ururu Captain Ulhura yeah I'm sure there was a time

where she was at least a glove for one of the male members at least we haven't started any furries yet no although mate I can't remember

if I mentioned this on the show so I mentioned it again we did get an email from a guy who said he was a furry and he said don't mention my name

and all that stuff which is fair enough if you're listening thank you for emailing but you basically said Eli's not too far wrong people may do it for whatever reasons

but quite a lot of fucking goes on yeah I mean it would do in any kind of sub and that's fine we're not here to judge there's a screwing element in any kind of subculture, isn't there, really?

What did you say? There's a yiffing flap. It's a yiffing flap, yes. But that's what? For what? For taking your junk out and screwing another flurry with. What a lovely word for a horrible act. Yiffing.

Yiffing. I think that also is the general term when they have sex. Yiffing. Anyway, I'd like to see some fanfic slash shipping Yeah, of? Well, something like,

they do it with the Simpsons, don't they? Quite a lot. Sometimes it gets a bit creepy. Bart and Lisa doing it. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't like that. I don't like that. Don't want to see that. I don't like that. I don't like that. No. I don't want to see that. No.

However, if, what about the good life? If Lisa Simpson don't want to see that I don't want that I don't like that no I don't want to see that no however if what about the good life if Lisa Simpson did have sex with Santa's little helper I'd be interested I'd be would you

I'd be curious to see how it was animated and if Snowball 2 got in there as well while Homer's jacking off in the background do you know what I've got to get up

have a little breather in there as well. Our home was jacking off in the background. How do you know what? I've got to get up. Have a little breather. Oh, it's a hot day, you like. It really is very sweaty today, ladies and gentlemen. This is Chico, isn't it? In the house of the pickles. House of pickles, one mic.

I had to really scrub at the rind of brine and filth in here just to get a semblance of something. It's so hot. It's so warm. Welcome to Cheap Show! Yay! Yay! We did a live show already today, so it's a bit of a Cheap Show marathon for us, isn't it?

I think by the time this episode goes out, we'll have put out the live show. 11.30 in the morning is not the best time to do a slightly raucous violent comedy show about the economy especially when a man with his children comes in yeah

his young children very young little two little he was just grinning like an idiot look at these two knobs you know what I mean it's like take your child

out of here this is obviously an adult show yes he's just wasn't he he wasn't making that noise he had that expression that noise he had an expression i got dangerously close to trumpian you know journalistic you know he made

fun of that journalist because he the journalist had some um oh yeah he did basically a spazzy yeah he did a spaz he did the classic. Anyone who heads up a massive country like the United States, say a president role, it's exactly the kind of thing you should be doing. He elected him after that, so, you know. Yeah, this is the same guy who people forget. Perhaps we should make more jokes about the disabled people on this show, Paul. And that would be more popular. Perhaps in America.

Yeah. Americans, tell us, because we do have a lot of American listeners. I'd be very interested to know, would you like me and eli to go around doing i don't think you do anyway so he brought his kids in and then i swear he didn't seem that bothered did he no he seemed i mean we gave we gave their child a toy it was a bug encased in plastic so let me just put it plainly for people listening two men in their 40s went to a comic con full of young people and gave toys to kids yes when you put it like that it sounds a bit weird but uh yeah but it was a weird show but we had tom bell and tom bell mucked in and had a lovely time we're going to get tom bell back

we need to really get the best out of tom we should get him on one of these non-live apps yeah we should yeah we should i agree and always welcome back. He's always welcome. Once he learns his lesson. His lesson? Yeah, he knows what he's done. Ash, you know what you did, mate. And until you get

a proper apology out, you're not welcome on this show again. Really? Yeah, he knows. This is the first I've heard of this. Happened today. He darks you off today.

Mate, he fobbed me, mate. He fobbed you? He dissed my fam. Right. Street talk coming in off today. Mate, he fobbed me, mate. He fobbed you? He dissed my fam. Right, street talk coming in. Yeah. Mate, Eli, listen to this threat. Ash, if I don't get an apology from you, mate, oh, I'm going to give you a sore bottom.

You're going to give him a blue... A blue... Waffle. You're going to give him a blue rub-off. What? What's a blue rub-off off I'm trying to be creative here alright I'll give him one of those burns

Chinese burn no you can't take that now or Indian burns as it's called in America oh weird it's a bit like Turkey and

and Turkey right as in the bird blah blah blah yeah do you know what it's called in in Turkey it's called Hindi as in Indian really yeah Yeah. Do you know what it's called in... In Turkey.

It's called Hindi, as in Indian. Really? Yeah. So they carve up an Indian. Yeah, but it's because it's just not... The bird never originated

in either of those parts of the world. Yeah, why is it called a turkey? It's just this weird thing. That's for you, Cheap Show listener. Do a little bit of research. Find out why a turkey was called a turkey.

And it's called an Indian in Turkey. Yes. What's it called in India? A turkey. Oh, yeah. Okay, that makes sense. Best in the world. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, well, that's the introduction to the show out of the way. Great. Let's move on. Okay. Well, I enjoyed doing it last time, so we're doing it again. We have gone to the newsagents and bought one of those cheap, lovely gossip magazines. And what's this one called we're seeing today, Paul?

That's life, that's life, that's what all the people say. High as a kite in April and down and out in May. He doesn't say high as a kite. I don't think he does. He's doing smack in a hotel room in New York. Downing a bottle of Jack a day. A York. Downing a bottle of Jack a day. A day. A day.

A bottle of Jack Daniels a day. That's life. That's not life. That's like. It is. That's a life. I'd like his life. Would you like the bottle of Jack a day?

Yeah. I don't drink, but if I'm living his life, I'm enjoying him. Well, then you're just him. Then I'll, yeah. You wouldn't know. You wouldn't know about Paul Gannon. Well maybe i'll well that's probably you wouldn't know you were paul gannon living frank sinatra old blue eyes his life would you no but you'd just be old blue eyes but i can't be because i was born before he died oh so you couldn't in fact inhabit the same i don't know

how reincarnation works can you cross timelines no so i can't come back as someone who's born a week after me or a week before me no if you were alive at the same time you can't be reincarnated as them what if reincarnation is only one person living every life ever well that's the theory that we are all one all one consciousness really all one universal consciousness and these it's just an illusion that you think you have your own sort of identity but you're all

fact one part of one oceanic cosmic consciousness so I die and then I come back as you and so and everyone else

yeah and everyone else but I am now you I am in you we are I see where you're going with this now no I'm not

I'm going there you're going with this now no i'm not going there going mucky i'm going all dirty no all i'm saying is that i am now you talking to me when i was me some people just think it's the universe looking at itself that's all that life is one big mirror looking at a mirror looking at a mirror looking at a mirror looking at a mirror an infinite regress looking at hell it's making me feel quite queasy but perhaps that's just you watched that Doctor Who

episode last week it was all about that they all found that all reality was fake it was a program a shadow program for aliens to test an invasion of earth

well it's like the Matrix yeah but not as ponderous and miserable and depressing and woefully misjudged those sequels were. Yeah.

Yeah, that was the plot. So the idea was in the end, the Doctor in the programming once he found out he was only a program ended up sending himself in the real world

an email that he got and learned that the invasion was coming. So in the new episode on tonight, this is great Doctor Who talking cheap show. Tonight it's part two of that

where the aliens come and they're going to invade but they say they will be invited. They will not have an attack. It's exciting stuff. But by the time this episode goes out, that episode would have gone out as well, so everyone knows.

Kind of pointless, everything you're saying. Well, all I'm saying is, this is a very existential conversation we seem to be having right now. That's life! But we jettison into That's Life, a 76p magazine. I was going to ask, that is cheap. Very cheap. Do you think a lot of magazines these days go up for three, four, five pounds or more? Very much so.

Very much so. A Cosmopolitan would set you back at least the cost of some quality detergent. Yes. And what are you going to do? Read that gossip magazine or clean your pants? It probably has some tips in Cosmo about how to clean your pants and make them super sexy for the man in your life. Yeah. 14 ways to use Raid as a perfume stand-in.

Just rub a bit under your armpits. You know, a few episodes ago we did Family Feud. Yes. And you said there was one question you skipped because five places a woman would dab perfume. Oh, yeah. We should have actually at least found out what those five skipped because five places a woman would dab perfume. Oh, yeah. We should have absolutely found out what those five were because we said ears, behind the ears. It was like they had private parts that was on there.

It was not going to say quim, was it? It wasn't going to say vagina. Well, they wouldn't say quim in America anyway. They've got people called quim. This is my daughter, quim. Dr. Quim, medicine woman. This is my son, Chode. This is my daughter quim this is medicine woman this is my my son chode this is my son i'm a big fan big fan huge fan uh oh god he's jerry lewis he's gone trump again i did go a

little bit trump then that wasn't my intention anyway that's life vagina vagina china vagina china is a great name for a punk band i like talking of names yeah what about this boho soy sauce it's interesting who who what in what context they'd be kind of like brand no boho so soy sauce what band name oh boho soy sauce i came across a name yeah a real lady's name the other day it was like the ultimate goth name she was called Movine Coffin wow Movine Coffin

was it spelt like C-O-U-G-H-I-N no no C-O-F-F-I-N wow Movine and yet it's like Elvira

she could be an Elvira clone couldn't she chances are though she likes Barbie getting her nails done and watching Keystandersers sleeping with corpses a bit yeah possibly you know putting on a cape going up a hill yeah screaming howling at existence

like the clankerman available for download right now on video man you're really into the clankerman you should be proud of it well i thought it didn't go places i was expecting i thought it was anti-climactic to some extent. But ultimately, it was a film of tone rather than plot. So I thought you achieved the tone perfectly. Thank you. If you're wondering... So you're acting at times, a little bit acting school,

a little bit stilted where the natural-esque dialogue wasn't quite as natural as your delivery. But that's just my feedback. What? Are you kidding? What? It's when someone writes a line that is meant to be written naturalistically. And it doesn't sound naturalistic.

Because you are, you know, on the head, John. You know, that kind of thing. Rather than on the head, John. It's on the head, John. Right, so you think I'm shit. Is that what you're saying? You're saying I'm a shit actor. Even though you're trying to say I'm a shit actor again.

Anyway, listeners, I have a film out. It's available to watch online. It's Plankerman. To see what you think of my performance. And then go and hunt Paul down. Don't, no. Hound him. No.

And say, no, Paul, in the middle of the night. No. Eli's a good actor, say. And then, I don't know, you could be my agent. Oh, God. Oh, that. Object. Oh, that did affect me. All right.

I've got another sip of me coffee. Okay. Hot coffee on a lovely hot day in the house of pickles. I'm losing consciousness. Yeah. It's so hot. Anyway. Right.

So, that's Life Magazine. It's 76p. There was a big £12 480 pound giveaway in this week quite a specific amount to give away now i will say this this magazine was released in uh january 26 only four issues old issue four it says uh giving away ipads phones january 26th of this year yeah okay here are the main topics on the front page. Let's see. Jealous pal battered my lump.

Is that what? Is that another baby killing? They're obsessed with people hitting pregnant women. That's their main story. I was pregnant. He stabbed me. In my bell bell. Belly. Make that sound cute.

My bump is a bit of a colloquial. Well, that's the thing. He punched my bump. Is that what that says? Jealous pal batted my bump. But this is what I'm saying. That's dark. That's not life.

That's, that's, that's. It's euphemistic because the tail itself is gross. Yeah. It's horrible. It's not very nice. It certainly isn't. But is it nicer than Facebook beast got my girl 15?

Now, her age is 15. I'm not saying it's like the film title and there's 15 of them. It's like she's 15 years old. I should point out, I'm laughing at that, not in a sort of cruel way, but in a sort of,

it's outrageous how dark this so-called distraction magazine. That's life. Yeah. Can you imagine, you tell someone that story, oh, Facebook beast got my girl, and someone went, that's life. Yeah. And you'd be like, fuck off. Yeah, you cold bastard. Don't trivialise my, you know, my jealous pal tried to cause me to abort.

Yeah, it's horrible. And the one that I name-dropped last time when I was doing the hot hanging of a lantern on this issue was, I thought he was sleeping, but my baby has no eyes. Look at the baby's face, though. Oh, my God. That is nightmarish. Yeah.

So which one of those funny topics do you want to tackle? I don't know. Let's see. Let's just have a little riffle through there. Let's just riffle through it, right? You can hear the planes go by. It's very much a day. I want people to listen to this advert.

Not an advert. I want... When people listen to this podcast, I want them to get a sense of the day. That was a bit Freudian. I want them to get a sense of the day. It's hot. It's sweaty. It's guerrilla recording podcasting.

I want people to feel the sweat when they listen to this on a hot sunny day okay right what we got in there baby talk something cute for the first page baby talk i don't understand the concept of what's going on it says there's a picture of a baby yes it's wrapped up in a blanket there's a little fake bubble coming out saying snug as a bug and it's come from a woman called Louise Satchell. And it says, my teddy boy, how cosy does my baby, teddy,

10 weeks, look dressed up as the very hungry caterpillar? Oh my God. At least wait for him to acquire language skills before you start... Start putting words in his mouth. You know what I mean? Furry cute.

This comes from Donna Gray. And Donna says, Here's my nine-month-old girl flair all wrapped up against the cold weather. There's a little baby all out, really long face. So, you know, start you off with something lovely.

Yeah. Baby talk. And then the next page is... These are obviously babies that have survived the sort of rampant violence against, you know against unborn children. That seems to go on in the world. It's like one page full of lovely babies having adorable little words and pictures.

And then it goes straight to literally the next page is, I'll make you miscarry. That's the title of the fucking article. It does seem to be an obsession with these mags about... But it's the pull quotes they have as well. To make you read it. This pull quote is, the next day she punched me awake.

That's not your friend, love. I hate to say this. She's not your pal no more. Obviously we're not going to make fun of the horrible instances inside this story. But you do... Look,

this is a tricky conversation. I didn't think this magazine was going to get quite leading us into reasonably dark humour for a quite frothy podcast frothy frothy in the sense of good times baby

okay not as in big foaming cock head okay right as long as what's froth one as opposed to froth two

all I'm saying is this is obviously a very horrible story right with shocking poor quotes and a title drawing you in yes

because it's that bit of gossip it's like bit of gossip. It's like if you heard it from number 18 across the road, you'd be like, oh, come on. Well, you'd report it to the police. Obviously. But you'd also go,

I can't believe it. So you read the whole story. And then at the end, at the very end of the article, you do get a box out that says, we pay up to £2,000 for every story we print. And so there's a very good chance there's a man or a

woman somewhere living in horrible conditions suffering something quite traumatic in their life going this would make a great two thousand quid or even worse than that hello hello sharon come come over i want you to pretend you hate me and then kick me in the fucking bump yeah and we'll get some fat as we put it in the. We'll split it 50-50. We are not saying this happened in this article. Anyway, the next page is win £1,000 worth of Apple goodies. Well, that's fair enough. Which is fair enough.

It's a nice simple crossword. Blank star. War singer. Five words. War singer? War singer. Yeah. What is it good for absolutely nothing apparently say it again

yeah so it's a five letter word something star no I meant oh right Edwin Star that's who that tune is by

yeah that's the answer oh I thought I was giving you a question test it is Edwin Star yeah oh I thought it was

Ruby Murray no or what was the other one called? Desmond. No, the voice of the... Desmond Decker? I don't know.

He did me Israelites. Well, lucky for him. No. They're very nice. Feel good there. I thought... I thought a few puns would lighten up the baby comedy. Let's just forget the baby killing stuff. All right. We'll move on. I thought you I thought a few puns would lighten up the baby comedy. Let's just forget the baby killing stuff.

All right, we'll move on. I thought you meant, you know, that woman who's very famous for geeing up the troops during the Second World War. Oh. Dame...

Dame Vera Lynn. Vera Lynn, thank you. War singer. As in wartime singer. Okay. Okay? Yeah. Right, we've cleared that up.

It's Edwin Starr. It's correct. Give me another one. Heather's actress, Winona Blank. Five letters. Rider. I bet you would. I's correct. Give me another one. Heather's actress, Winona Blank. Five letters. Ryder. I bet you would.

I would at the time, but I've got an offer. Worth it. Sarcastic. Six letters. I don't know. I mean, type of beer,

four letters would help. Let's not do a crossword in this podcast. Okay. Right, so, bags. There's Louise Redknapp.

I used to fancy her like mad when she was in Eternal back in the 90s and I was much younger. Is she called Louise Redknapp? No, because she married the... The Redknapp man. Danny Redknapp,

who played for a football. Football. Yeah. Lightning strikes twice in our search for That's Life's Mum of the year 2017 we hear from Debbie

a truly inspiring young woman what's so inspiring about her I don't know oh that's inspiring but the poor quote is you've fulfilled

your total biological destiny that's inspiring you managed to get some spunk up yeah I think you may regret being sarcastic you've pumped out

a little fucking pup you know oh well done I took a shit I think you may regret being sarcastic. You pumped out a little fucking pup. Oh, well done. I took a shit and I had a wank. With that in mind, Eli, the poor quote from this story is... Oh, did you have cancer or something? I'm sorry it spread to your bones.

Oh, God. And she's obviously suffering from that. I'm sorry. And she's had chemo. So she is inspiring. She's had chemo. So she is inspiring. She's an inspiring mum. She's bravely faced terminal illness. Yeah.

But that's the other thing. Can I just mention this? You're going to complain about surviving cancer? No. It's great. Surviving cancer is great. But I just... When they describe people...

One of us is going to hell. I just think... I hate the way that tabloids describe people who have survived cancer as brave. Brave people... I can see the Patreon money falling away like snow floats on a windmill right now. This might be the last podcast that we ever do. It might be the last one I'm comfortable doing with you.

All I'm saying is, you get cancer very bad. It doesn't make you brave. Do you really want to carry on with this thought? Well, I'm just saying. I think they're all very brave. Okay. Brave is when you go and decide to do something. No one decides to have cancer.

Brave is like, oh, that house is on fire. I'll go in there and I'll try and rescue something. Like my stack of... I can't believe you're comparing people who rescue cats from fires to people who survive cancer. One makes a choice to do something really stupid to save an animal's life. Which is bravery. That's courage.

And you're saying people aren't courageable. They're incorrigible. They don't have courage when they decide to battle cancer rather than just let it happen and give up. I think that a lot of that motivation... This is a very weird episode. It's hot, isn't it? I think it's the heat. I'm This is a very weird episode. It's hot in here. I think it's the heat.

Yeah. I think it's the fact that... I'm just saying, it's not necessarily brave. Trying to survive. Just stay alive if you have a health problem. Let's move on. Okay. Sorry, I'm sorry.

Are you married to a kidult? Right? Yeah. Does your fella suck if he doesn't get his way? Then you could be with a man-child. We are so taking this test let's take the test yes

Eli so is this this is the test for the lady so we we'll just transpose it as if you were asking

a man as if I had a a wife I'll play my own wife imaginary wife okay you will play woman who's married to Eli

is to me, yes. Hello. He's got a huge knob. One thing, Paul, I won't complain about is his prowess in the bedroom. It's amazing. It takes me places you'd never imagine. So, shall I start the test then?

Yes. He's definitely not a child in the trouser department. I tell you that. Mighty. The girth, it's definitely not a child in the the trouser department i tell you that mighty the girth it's amazing it takes my breath away literally right start the test right it is your mother-in-law's 60th birthday and you need to get her a present does your fella does eli yes what's it what's your name by the way for this woman I'm Moveen Moveen I'm Moveen like cow Moveen like bovine

no how dare you call me a cow I'll get Eli oh I'm alright then mate no I'm alright

if Eli he'll get his great big knob out don't get mad oh god just give me the questions

right so it's your mother's mother it's your mother-in-law's 60th birthday and you need to Don't get mad. Oh, God. Just give me the questions. Right. So, it's your mother-in-law's 60th birthday and you need to get her a present. Does Eli, A, tell you he's got her a perfume set and it's all wrapped up, ready to go? Yes. B, reluctantly pause his game of FIFA and drive you to the shops or something? Or C, shouts that you should get whatever and then puts his headphones back on. It's C. It's C, yes. Of course it's C.

Because it's just the obvious one, really. Next, number two. You and Eli are on a date night with some pals when suddenly he takes a turn for the worse, gets a bit poorly. You know, you're out with friends and he's drunk.

Eli might have drunk one or two more drinks than he probably should have he does like and he has ruined the night he can hold his booze though like a like a fucking cowboy

if that cowboy got a disengagement like a rock star if that rock star was maybe Keith Moon well he's like a squirty cowboy so does Eli order a taxi and...

Right, hang on, maybe I've read this question wrong. I've said this question wrong. Okay, let's have it again. Don't look at me like that. You're out with Eli and suddenly you become poorly, right? Oh, I've become poorly. So does Eli there decide to order a taxi... I think I've had a dodgy baby shower.

Yes. I mean, Eli's drunk at this point. We've got to remember this. Yes. So does he order you a taxi and I think I've had a dodgy baby sham. Yes. I mean, Eli's drunk at this point. We've got to remember this. Yes. So does he order you a taxi and take you home immediately? Once there, he's at your beck and call.

B, give you a tenner and tell you to go get a cab. Have a tenner and a half. That's a very good impression of him. Thank you. And C, tell you to pull it together

and whine that you're ruining the evening. C again. Yes. Yeah? He's very mean, except in the bedroom. But he's mean in a good way you know what I

mean disgusting you should be ashamed of yourself right he's not doing very well

Eli he's not going to be A because you know he's not attentive and he's not going to be B

because he's broke he's never got no money because he's a tramp and he sucks off tramps

and then those tramps end up getting like mouth disease yeah they go oh I've made my life worse by sleeping with Eli

what are the chances right question three their benefits get slashed question three you've just brought you've just brought home your first child so Eli

as a dad is he basically can't he do enough he wakes up for night feeds and he's a dab hand when it changes nappies

he can't do enough yeah B oh he's great when it when it changes nappies. He can't do enough. Yeah. B, oh, he's great when it comes to playtime, but it's bath time, he's never around. Or C,

is he jealous of the amount of time that you're spending with the new addition to your family? Yeah, it's C, he's like, oh, get that child off your tits,

I want to go. Oh God. I'm sick of this. I need tit. What do you think I fucking married you for? Eli Silverman. He's need tit. What do you think I fucking married you for? Eli Sutherland. Movena, he's not there.

What do you think I married you for? Just so some kid could suck your tits when I'm going to be. This is the psychologically complicated section of the show. What's the next question? Okay. Give me one more. It's the final one anyway. All right.

Having a baby means you need a bigger car now, right? So when you suggest this to Eli and that he has to replace his awesome sex shagmobile, right, does he simply, A, swap it for an estate right away, nice sensible car, comes in handy when you have kids, B, put up a bit of a fight, but he gets a more sensible model in the end, or C, flat out refuses to trade it in?

Why would he? His coupe is his pride and joy well eli doesn't own a car but or most things or things that most men of his age should have really like a mortgage maybe i don't know but he would he's a fixer-upper, that Eli. Yes. He would... And a prick. He'd probably say, get the bus, love. Yeah. Get the bus. Yeah. It's cheaper. Get on the fucking bus.

Get back in the bus. It's cheaper. Right, am I done now? Yeah, so... Shall I send Eli back in? Yeah. What, he's a man-child, is he? Let's find out. You stay there.

Eli, come back in. All right, bye. No, you stay there. All back in alright bye no you stay there alright I'm staying here silly cow Eli yes hello why are you doing

a weird voice for yourself just do it yourself I'm back here Paul hello it's Eli yeah she had lots of lovely things to say about you oh she's still here

hello I'm still here this is weird this whole section's weird so if he said mostly A's Eli would have been congratulations he's a keeper.

Your fella understands responsibilities that come with age and isn't afraid to step up to the plate. If he said mostly B's, Eli, you might be interested to know that there's room for improvement. But your partner is on the right track with you and with a bit of coaching, you'll be up to scratch. However, you basically came on this mostly C's. It was mostly C's, Eli, I'm afraid. That's all right, love. Your man is an overgrown baby. Sit him down and tell him to grow up or get out.

What? You what? If you want to take a more... You wouldn't complain when I'm knobbing you. You don't complain when I'm giving you length, do you? Movine. Right, she's out. I'm going.

All right. All right, back, Paul. Did that bit work that was the most psychologically weird section we've ever done on this show

alright it took about an hour as well oh my god there's so much more this magazine to go okay let's just do a couple more pages

no I think that we've got to bank this alright we've got to bank this. We've got to bank this. Let's wrap it up. Although the next section is called, Aren't Men Daft? Right, let's finish on this. Okay, give us an example of some daft things.

We paid £50 for Fitfellas and £25 for all other pics. So there's a picture of a guy who's done a selfie of himself, all sexy, all buff. His chest looks a bit like an alien vagina. Or the face of the alien queen from the Alien franchise. It looks like an animated chest. It does look good. He's got hairy ridges. As you can see, my fella Christopher takes a lot

of pride in his appearance and is extremely dedicated to an intense workout schedule. And I'm the lucky one who benefits, says Natasha in Blackpool. She wouldn't be talking like that, Paul. Might be. Don't generalise. Okay. So, here's all the other scum dickheads. I get £25

now. Here we go. Donna Rope from Birmingham. That's a real name. Yes. Donna Rope, Donna Rope, got me hanging, Donna Rope. Rocket in the Crypt. 90s reference.

Thank you. The article's called Fairy Silly Boy. One day, I asked my husband, David, to load the dishwasher for me. When I went to unload it later, bubbles flooded out. He'd only used the fairy laundry tablet instead of the dishwasher for me. When I went to unload it later, bubbles flooded out. He'd only used the fairy laundry tablet instead

of the dishwasher ones. What an absolute idiot! You you moron! Beverage Blunder. This is by Pat Gorman. I panicked then thinking it said Pat Gannon and that was my mum's that is my mum's name and I thought please don't let my mum have written into that's life

magazine. the other day I was at a coffee shop and overheard a young man placing an order I'll have a cup of Chino he said confidently the girl serving him didn't have the heart

to correct him and tell him he really meant cappuccino that is good I couldn't help but giggle now come on

that's the best thing I don't think she actually put what a mug it's the editors added that haven't they but giggle. Now, come on, that's the best thing. I don't think she actually put water in the mug. It's the editors added that, haven't they? Yeah. But I have to say, that's the best thing I've heard in the magazine so far. That would make me laugh if I saw some hapless guy, I'll have a cup of Chino, please.

That would be funny, wouldn't it? And what would be even funnier is if the waitress had some Chinos lying around and cut up some chinos and put it in a cup and says there's your cup of chino you absolute idiot

all right and on this page just to finish off is a section called john's rude jokes of the week are they rude 25 pound for every

rude joke well we could do that yeah this cunt bought into a fanny shop saying I want a fanny what kind of fannies

have you got I've got loose ones I've got wet ones I've got dry ones I've got ones that are only half a fanny and the point to that is you need glasses mate

this is a knob shop wankers anyway this is the first joke from Amy Graham in Holyhead she says this is her joke You need glasses, mate. This is a knob shop. No! Wankers. Anyway, this is the first joke from Amy Graham in Hollyhead. She says this is her joke. One evening, Sharon arrives home from work to find the children bathed. What? Comes home to find the children bathed, a full load in the washing machine,

and dinner roasting in the oven. He's done all the good things. He's been a good guy. Yeah. I thought it would spice with our love life, her hubby Andy explains to his astonished wife. I read that wives who work full time and do all the chores are always too tired to have sex.

The next day, Sharon tells her pal all about it. Dinner was great, she says. He even washed up. But what about, you know, after? Her friend cheekily asked. Oh, there was none of that, she replied.

Andy is impotent. Is that the joke? No, that's not the joke. The joke is, Andy was too tired. Oh, God. £25 for that. £25 for that?

We're open mics. We would kill for £25 to get a gag in. Wow. Another one. There's two more. Is it better than that? Because that was...

I'm going to go ahead and guarantee these two jokes are going to be headline closing gags. Right? Cappuccino is the best thing. From Charlotte Robson

in Ipswich. They say the cheetah is the fastest animal on earth. They're not kidding. Just look at how fast a man runs

when his lover's hubby comes home from work early. This is like the 1970s or something. That is just like... His infidelity of jokes. He was the window cleaner. And the final joke. I'm not holding up a lot of hope for this one. I'm going to do this

pro-comedian voice. Okay. A lady stops to coo over a little redhead baby in the street. I have a lot of hope for this book I'm going to do this pro comedian voice okay a lady stops to coo over a little redhead baby in the street is the father ginger then she asks the mum who had black hair

don't know she replies he didn't take his hat off Jesus destroy that bag that's very poor that bag very poor

very poor if you very poor very poor if you've enjoyed those jokes write into That's Life magazine get yourself 25 quid I want to know

what the here's one you should put in to Andy's funny joke section yeah what's the best thing about fucking

26 year olds there's 20 of them ha ha ha ha ha that's a rude joke it's never going to get printed no because that's got a kind of

paedophilic really is not suitable for a magazine that has in its topic rotor abuse to pregnant women yes cancer sufferers

and all the jolly delights you need for when you can't face your own miserable reality mate that's life that's life that's quite depressing

now for our next wacky segment of the Cheap Show. Oh! Okay. Okay. Let's get back into a nice, comfortable Cheap Show space. Yes.

Shall we do Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep? Boots. I kind of like it. Yeah? I kind of think it works as a jingle. That works better than the Price is Shite one, doesn't it? I like the Price is Shite one. The audience like it.

It's a proud loser. You know what's wrong with the Price is Shite one? What? You have to repeat it. Maybe we should truncate it. So instead of saying, it's the fucking Price is Shite. Yeah.

It's the fucking Price is Shite. Yeah. It's the fucking Price is Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price is Shite. That's fucking price of shite it's the fucking price of shite oh it's the fucking price of shite that's right that's four times why not just twice

go on it's the fucking price of shite oh it's the fucking price of shite that's right I guess I guess I'm not saying you're wrong I'm just saying

sometimes I think the full effect is important I just about on the third it's the fucking price of shite I'm losing the will to live when i sing it i have to say so hey you lose the will to live at the drop of a hat so let's just crack on with cheap eats now in this cheap eats we're doing some things that you've got

and also the longer waited uh food item that people have been talking about online i'm hyped we're fine we're not going to tell you right now what it is. I'm fully hyped about it, Paul. But we're going to try it out. This is a day that will go down in history. It will. They'll write this in the annals of history. But let's start with the items I have.

Yeah. I've got three items today. Always talk to the mic, not away. I've got three items today. Thank you. Professional mic work. The first item. So you whip your head back there when you start talking. I whip my head back. Yes. If this is something I picked up in the States. Is it chlamydia? I wish. I'd deal with chlamydia if it meant I got laid. Oh. Mate. Mate, hang on. This might mean something.

Oh, he's got his app out. Oh, it's going to happen. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Shall I say it again? Shall I say it again? Yeah, you can do. Wait, wait, wait. I'll say it with a really sad voice as well, yeah, Paul?

Yeah, I reckon you should definitely. Okay, I'll say it with a sad voice as well, yeah? You ready? Almost. Do you know what, Paul? What? I wouldn't mind contracting chlamydia if it meant I got my willy wet.

Aww. No, I presume you got something else from America. Yes, I got armour brand. Yeah. Armour. Yeah. As in shields. Yeah, I'm aware of...

Armour, ground and formed, sliced, dried beef. Are you going to put that away now? I might not. Please put it away. But... You see, is that meant to be a gasp or something it sounds like a spirit go great dad cut you like just put it away all right so describe what you Paul. You know that bit when you said about getting your willy wet?

Yeah. Say it one more time. Oh, I wouldn't mind contracting chlamydia if it meant I could have sex. That doesn't even make sense. Right. Can we get back onto the... Can we get back onto the... Yeah, go on.

Please. Everyone is so sick of that paul oh what it's time for eli's cheap eat we were meant to be keeping this short and you've gone you've gone off the rails with your app put your phone down it's like having a child i'm gonna pass that test quite quickly you're a man child put it away this is a serious part of the show that people actually take our advice and they listen to it and it informs their food decisions paul and we thank you yes that's right and if they want to hear about noodles yeah yeah i'm the man to tell them about noodles and my friend oh i'm getting the smack down here and my friend mark allen yeah he's been sending me personalized yeah noodle reports

and they are on my phone and i'll'll start bringing them out. If you start bringing this crap out, I'm going to give you a noodle report. That's what we're going to do, Paul, yeah? Please. We've already had this in the live show. It didn't work then. All right, Eli. Let's eat your meat. Yeah, come on. Now... I was enjoying that.

It's Armore, ground and sliced... Ground and formed, sliced dried beef, 95% fat-free. It is in a glass jar, so you can see... There's a wadge of sliced meat in there. Yeah. But the lid is sort of like a can lid. So if it's popped up, you know it'd be bad you can see it's got a pop yeah so it has not been popped so it's as far as we know safe and also

do you know why i know this is safe because listen to these ingredients this is stuff that will never ever go off ingredients beef yeah salt right sugar of course sorbitol. What? Contains 2% or less of sodium aerothorbate. So some kind of salty thing. And sodium nitrate. Very bad for you, that stuff. Wow. But it does mean... There's not much of that in there.

It's US, inspected and passed by the Department of Agriculture. So someone shut that out. And on the cover, the photo, I think you're meant to do something with it, because there's some kind of unspeakable meat hump on the on the cover which is all pink and white and all flecky and there's someone's put it on a cracker can you see that oh my god what is that it's a lump of do you know what it looks like uh corned beef hash yeah it is corned beef hash yeah well you mash it with potatoes you use this but this is sliced so you could put this on a sandwich. Or pizza. So, shall we pop the old button? Now, can I ask, have you kept this in the proper conditions,

or have you let it sweat in the house of pickles? Because that's going to have a massive effect on the moisture and taste of this. Look, it's been sealed, and it's been in a dry place, okay? The house of pickles is not what I'd ever call a dry place. Well, it's certainly dry of ladies. I'm opening my... I'm opening the dried beef. All right, okay, cool.

I don't... I don't know what I'm doing. You've got to give it a hard tug. Is that what you do? You've got to twist it, yeah. No, it's not... It's not coming off. Come on.

Get it off. Otherwise the whole section's ruined. Paul, just open it. Give it here. Right, does it give you instructions? When used in recipes, rinse in warm water and drain. Refrigerate after opening. Yes, it's not open and we're not using it in a recipe.

And it's not fish. How do you open it? How do you open it? Do I get a can opener? You might need to get a bottle opener. Let's do this. Oh, yeah. Oh, no.

So, it's open, and I'm looking. There's a very distinct dried beefy smell coming off. Honestly, I'm going to smash that phone up. Just put it down, Paul. That's a big piece of... I'm handing you a slice of dried beef, and I have a slice. On the hottest day of the year in the house of pickles. We're eating sweaty meat slices.

In a poorly acoustically treated room. I'm eating it. Wow, that's salty. It's just salt. Wow, that is so salty. It feels like pressed salt. Wow. They are not joking.

That's about the saltiest thing I've ever eaten in my life. So, I mean, honestly, when they say you need to wash the salt off, no shit. That is like three days worth of salt. My tongue is tingly. Right, so I'll just describe that to our listener. At first, it's quite pleasant. It's very much like... You get that whiff of beefy flavouring.

Corned beef. Yeah. Yeah, corned beef or corned beef hash has that flavour. But then the salt hits you. The salt haunts you in the mouth, mate. It is extremely salty. Extremely salty. That would never go off.

Oh, mate. I mean, it's the second ingredient after beef so i mean i mean how much beef compared to salt is there because it looks like the beef is there to hold the salt microbes together yeah it's like have some have some beef with your salt salt wafer maybe if you'd wash it like it instructs you to that's what you put it in a sandwich with some cheese and some whatever yeah it's probably fine that's not the worst thing i've ever put in my mouth. No, I mean, it is quite, but wow.

I mean, I don't know if you'd even allow a product to have that much salt in this country. I don't honestly think I've had anything that meaty and salty in my mouth since secondary school. Right, I'm walking out. Put it down. Putting it away. Over there. Okay, so that was my arm of dried beef

sliced and ground and formed. Okay, out of ten? Six? I'd go for a... Five. All right, I'll meet you on five then. It's unusual. We don't usually have meat products

on the show. That's a good reason, mate. Yeah. Anyway, there's that. All right, okay, so a five for that. Not too bad. Not too awful. But it will do. As right, okay, so a five for that. Not too bad. Not too awful, but it will do.

As usual, you can see a photo of the... All of the things we put in our mouth will be on our website. If you go to thecheapshow.co.uk

and you go to the episode number webpage, like this will be 40-whatever, you'll have all pictures and stuff to accompany the sounds that you

are now hearing. Made in Pennsylvania, the dried beef. Thank you. So, moving on to something from Brazil. Ooh, South America. Brazil. This is a garrotto baton cream.

Ooh. And these are some kind of chocolate lozenge. Interesting. Like a kind of Murray... Well, I don't know. Look, well, the baton has got an O. The O of baton is... Like how polos is done. A brown ring. So, perhaps that's what we has got an O. The O of baton is... Like how polos is...

A brown ring. So perhaps that's what we're going to see, a brown ring. So after having some salty meat, we're going to now feast on a brown ring. Yes. It's a psychologically complicated episode, Eli. Okay, I'm opening the baton creme. Mm, lucky him. And, yes, they are...

Are they chocolate? They are chocolate. And have they melted? No, it's just one thing. What? It's not things. It's one thing. It's one big lump of chocolate?

It's one big lump of chocolate. Now, can I ask... I was not expecting that. But can I ask, is it that it's melted into one, or does it look like it's formed? No, it is actually one. One thing. That's interesting.

It's like a cylinder of chocolate. But it's in the package, which you would expect them to be separate little sweeties so do you want to break the top of that off paul i will break the top of it off oh oh it's got a wet it's got a creamy filling and uh give that a little taste um what do you think that's alright yeah yeah what's the chocolate like the quality of the chocolate fine I mean it's a little bit what's the filling like

it's very sweet in that way chocolate can be sometimes but it's a little bit too sugary yeah but actually it's sort of not a whole load of cocoa in there because it's a slightly hot day

and that's a little bit let's say shall we moist or warm everything in here is yeah I reckon if on a if that was a cool

chocolate bar like you bought it and it was nice and hard you'd be right yeah grow up grow up

grow up I'm going to have some now yeah oh yeah so what it is it's got white chocolate in the centre and

a darker chocolate on the outside very sweet yeah but it offsets it well it's quite nice I hate white chocolate but I don't mind it when it's like this In the centre. And a darker chocolate on the outside. Very sweet. Yeah, but it offsets it well. It's quite nice. I hate white chocolate, but I don't mind it when it's like this. Really? Because it's not just white chocolate.

Yeah. White chocolate is so overrated. It's got a kind of almost Nutella thing going on. I think that's quite nice, actually. That is quite nice. I'm actually surprised by that. That's quite nice. I'm going to give that a seven.

I'm in concordance with you there. Are you? And I will also... Can I shake your hand? Seven it is, mate. Seven. Right, we've agreed.

We've just shook hands on it. It's a seven. Quite a good item. A surprise item. It'd be nice. You know, a little packed lunch. Yeah.

You've got your juice box. You've got a sandwich. A little baton in your box maybe your mum has washed off your dried beef rinsed it

hung it out on a clothesline to dry I can imagine the picture right next one okay right what's the third

in this section this part of the section what's your third item I was going to say final but we have one more we've got the special item coming up. Oh, we do. And it is fucking special.

It's so fucking special. Okay, now Lays, these are crisps. This next item. They have the exact same logo as Walkers. So is it all one big corporate monster? I know for a fact it is. Can I ask a question? Yes.

Does Lays own Walkers or does Walkers own Lays? I think Lays bought Walkers. That's my feeling. I have no factual basis for that. Or are they both owned by let's say Barry Manilow?

Let's have a little look at the back of the pack because it probably will say if it's Unilever or something it might say. It might say Unilever. You know what? Actually,

I've lost interest. So, let's move on. Now, it's got a helpful... Sticker. Sticker. Where do you buy this? Because obviously it's in foreign... Yes, but the shops around here have lots of nice...

International food. International food. Yes. And they include crisps. And, you know, you've got your walkers, your standard walkers flavors in this country. From Turkey. I think, looking at the writing, it says,

Max Mokno Poggetti, which I think... Look at the microphone when you're talking. It says, Max Mokno Poggetti, Yeah. Which,

and then it's Orientalina Salsa, which I think means... Do you know what we can do? We can use my Google translate app to translate the... Let's translate the...

So we can read it. Now, Max is obviously the brown, so it's not going to translate into anything special. Chipsy Zymoclast Casani. That's easy for you to say. Right, so let's go to camera. If you hold it... I need to fix what it goes from English to, so I need to do...

That would be Turkish? No, it's Polish. Oh, it's Polish. Almost definitely, I think, Polish. Okay, let me scroll to Poland, Polish, and then into English. Okay. Right, it's scanning it now. Use your finger to highlight the text. So, Etipower.

Is that what it is? Oriental Salsa Potato Chipsy. Chipsies. Worth it for chipsies. They're chipsies, that's for sure. So, it's Oriental Salsa flavour. That's for sure So it's oriental salsa flavour That's interesting Yes

Isn't it? Well what is oriental salsa? I mean salsa comes from Mexico doesn't it? I mean But that's just one of those hybrid foods Isn't it? It's an oriental style salsa So it's like probably the base of a salsa

But with some oriental Which I believe I believe is a racist term to say oriental I don't think you it's cool these days and yet there's a big shop in stratford called the oriental food store yeah so it's i don't know where i stand all i'm saying is the people who are sensitive to the word oriental yes there are you know because it's it's a colonial term it is that's why yeah um let's not do any more about race and just eat the crisps. Okay. Because you know what will happen?

I'll say for something quite bad about a race, for an edgy joke, and then I'll listen back when I edit the podcast and regret saying it. You'll have to edit it out. Well, no, I usually keep it in, thinking it's still witty. So these are a ridged crisp. Yeah. I mean, I had four gags then about Oriental. I just did not want to say.

Yeah, just don't. Let's just move on. You know? Let's not. Just saying I'm staying away from it. I'm opening the lays. yeah I mean I had four gags then about Oriental that I just did not want to say yeah just don't let's just move on you know let's let's not just saying I'm staying away from it I'm opening the Lays yes

ooh they've got a punchy what kind of tangy tangy flavour bring it to me ooh very punchy

they smell like knick knacks yes so reach in there the lime and coriander yeah knack or whatever it's called. There was never a lime and coriander knick-knack. There was a green pack, wasn't there, of knick-knacks? That was the scampi.

Oh, then it was the purple pack. The famous scampi. Oh, yes. That was the... It smells like those. Nice and saucy. Ribbon saucy. Oh.

I think it was called. So tuck in there, Paul. All right, I will. Here I am. It's ridged. It's quite heavily ridged. For her pleasure. And now,

for mine. Oh. They are very nice. Yeah. It's not too heavy a flavour. But it's got a sort of spice to it, does it?

Mmm. Delicate, almost. Nice. I'm surprised. I thought this was going to be a lot stronger and a bit kind of thick. No, very nice.

Yeah, almost quite a subtle flavour. They don't feel over-flavoured, do they, at all? Not at all. They've got quite an subtle flavour, but a tasty flavour. Very Moorish flavour. Yeah. This is one of those where I like to call it a mini dipper. Yes.

You know, you're sitting there and you keep dipping and you think that's your last dip and then eventually the last. And they're rich so they'd be good for actually dipping in salsa or a dip of your own choice. Perfect for salsa. And even on the pack

you can see they've added a salsa there to give you a culinary tip of how to eat them. Okay, so eight and a half for me. I'll go for yeah, it's a crisp

I'd enjoy in my own time in the House of Pickles. In fact, I'm going to stow that away I think that's very wise so when you're in your

next grief moment you know when I'm when I'm terribly hungover I might lounge over to the side of the bed stuff a bunch of those in my face

and think oh I hurt okay so we're going to say you said eight and a half yeah I'll say eight fine okay so just to recap everyone beef the armor dried beef ground formed and sliced is it salty fuck yeah it's the saltiest thing i've eaten ever probably apart from salt salt salt itself you know i mean but even that

isn't as salty as that no do you know what I mean it's salty it's salty enough yeah it's extreme salt it's almost like the form of it delivers salt like you wouldn't believe it's a hot salty meat injection

it's a hot salt to salt yeah on your meaty mouth parts you spat on me when you said that I'm sorry you keep getting

spat on today don't you no Ash was spitting on me as well sorry you're just very spittable on isn't it

yes right just let me say frothy knobstock don't you no Ash was spitting on me as well sorry you're just very spittable on isn't it yes right just let me say Throffy Knobstock Throffy Knobstock it's my new festival is it yeah

it's a good one where are you going this summer I'm going to Throffy Knobstock who's playing Spunk yeah is it Spunk

what's the other band Smeg Wet Wipes Wet Smeg Wet Smeg are opening for Spunk Sal What's that other band? Smeg. Wet Wipes. Wet Smeg. Wet Smeg are opening for Spunk. Salty Froth. And who's the headline on Saturday night?

Come in! Wow. All right. Let's move on. You could have said something a bit better than that. I know. Yeasty Spray. It's almost like I didn't think of it before I said it.

I know. That's how, unfortunately,'t think of it before I said it. I know. That's how, unfortunately, improvised comedy on the fly works. Okay. It's a high wire act and sometimes we both fall. Now, I am genuinely excited about this next item, Paul. So, the backstory to this is, and I've forgotten the person who donated it, so I'm really sorry. If it is you who donated this, tell us and we'll give you a thank you on the next podcast. Because, let's just say what it is then well first of

all we're doing our live show at the Bill Murray pub in London a few months ago now and we had a few awesome people hand us gifts like brilliant stuff you know the the tele

Alex TV board game and the big brother board game and also the and this the author of the cheap show Eli app sound, was there as well. And he heckled the whole way through and acted like a bit of a dick. Yeah, and he was very apologetic. He was very contrite.

Almost over-apologetic via our conversations. All we're going to say is drink sensibly. Drink responsibly, people. Drink responsibly. You know, we all like a bit of a drink. Eli, he likes a bit of a drink. That's me putting it very, very delicately. Just because you're a wuss,

it goes completely hands-on queer when you... What a trigger word that is. Fuck me. Oh, queer, hands-on, penis warning. I'm frightened of my own sexuality. Penis warning. Everyone should have that penis morning

it's like what's that it's my phone it's my penis morning going off right and this is yeah

this is we talked about this on a podcast and someone brought it to the show a very special someone it is the elusive

pot noodle mac and cheese flavour wow now we all saw the adverts but we didn't see them on shelves. Yes. I thought maybe they were sort of discontinued. Just like that time, Paul. Yeah.

Which no one remembers. But when Pizza Hut were going to change their name to Pasta Hut, and it was a big thing and they didn't do it. They did it to one or two stores. It didn't work, and they changed them back. Okay, thanks for The Pizza Hut I believe near the

theatre in London. What's that big theatre where they got Harry Potter right now? Cambridge Circus. The Pizza Hut there was momentarily I

believe called Pasta Hut. Okay. And that did not go well. No. And it was a test bed.

Who wants to go to Pasta Hut? Yeah. Not me. It's like cool. Yeah. Oh I want to get some Pizza hut in.

Oh, that implies pizza and good times and coke and video games. It's like, let's go to Pasta Hut. I hate me and my family.

Yeah, let's go spag bowl bowl shack. They serve pasta there anyway. Yeah, but I think they wanted to emphasise because pizza

had a bad rap, I think, at the time. Yeah, it was kind of P-P-P-P-Pizza Hut P-P-P-P-Pizza Hut I want to put P-P-P-P-Pizza Hut I like thick and creamy wanted to emphasise because pizza had a bad rap I think at the time yeah it was kind of pizza hut pizza hut I want a

pizza hut I like thick and creamy in my pizza hut thick and creamy I don't know what I'm rapping I'm trying to see

if I can make that work you're better than me though and I couldn't make that work you are better than me at rapping

just wasn't going to happen then my friend Virgil I know I bring him up on the podcast quite a lot when I said there was a rap

battle he was like oh yeah so you won yeah and I was like no said there was a rap battle, he's like, oh, yeah, so you won, yeah? And I was like, no, I, you know. You got smashed. I got smashed. And he's like, no, say it isn't true. Say it isn't true. You've got so much more experience.

He just can't bear the fact, he can't bear. Yeah. The fact that I'm an inferior rapper wordsmith to you, Paul, you know. But. Well, Virgil, if you're having to listen to this episode, I'll fucking have you, mate. You think you're a good drummer? Oh, you and me. Oh, right, you're going to out-drum him?

Yeah. I can think, if I can out-rap you, I can probably out-drum him. I doubt it. And I don't want to embarrass you, Virgil, if you're listening. So I won't challenge you, because it's not fair, but good luck on the album. Right, so... Did we mention what this is? Yeah, pot noodle mac and cheese. Okay. So we're going to have this right now. Right, so... Did we mention what this is? Yeah. Pot Noodle Mac and Cheese.

Okay. So we're going to have this right now. Right now it's sealed. It's in its box. And we have a bit of a tradition going now with cheese-flavoured noodles, because we tried the Panyo one as well. Yeah, and that was surprisingly nice.

Padmo. Padmo. Yeah, Padmo one. Yeah. It was just cheese noodle. Podoo. Pondu? That's not like... I'm either describing the noodles or I'm coming up with characters for Star Wars. Oh, you're having a stroke. which is cheese noodle Pondu Pondu? I sound like

I'm either describing the noodles or I'm coming up with characters for Star Wars or you're having a stroke for Pizza Hut no because we might need to explain actually to people

who don't live in the UK what pot noodle is yes so I think you should do that because you know what I'm like when I'm trying to describe stuff now the instant ramen noodle

yeah took the world by storm it really did. When it was invented. And in Britain... It's so fucking hot today. I know. Go on.

In the UK, we had a reputation right up until the 80s, really, for being kind of food backwards. Yeah. We didn't like foreign muck as they put it indeed you know things like avocados garlic uh were seen as exotic i'm not having that shit in my ass yeah as uh peter k has made a whole career yes but that was the attitude of a lot of people we had no experience of my nan thought fish fingers were French shit. Really? No, I'm making that up. Oh, because no, fish fingers, I mean, come on.

Yeah, that's a very British thing. Fish fingers sandwiches. So all the food was kind of bland here and it was very safe and things like avocados... Meat and potato. Yeah. And things like avocados were outlawed. And even things like spaghetti. I mean, it's hard to imagine. When we first had pasta in this house,

it was like we had the queen over. Yeah, you know what I mean? Special cutlery used. It was a very special day. And I think for that sort of reason, the backwardness of the food culture in the UK, noodles were seen as, again, quite foreign. So they didn't really catch on

in the same way as they did around the world. Yeah. But then came pot noodles. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Which were originally manufactured by the defunct crisp manufacturer... Smith's. Golden Wonder. Oh, Golden Wonder!

Yes. Oh, I thought it was Smith's. It was Golden Wonder's Pot Noodle, if you don't remember. That's right! In fact, I'm going to put an advert for Golden Wonder's Pot Noodle right in the show right now. Should be here in four minutes. Don't fuss, Mum. You fact, I'm going to put an advert for Golden Woman's Pot Noodle right in the show right now. Should be here in four minutes. Don't fuss, Mum. You know what I like?

Blooming tight as air, Sarge. Put the kettle on. When you find yourself with a hungry moment, just put the kettle on and make a pot noodle. Tender pasta noodles with vegetables and soya pieces in a rich, savoury sauce. Choose from five tasty flavours and eat hot from the pot.

Now mind your shirt, Gerald. So try pot noodle today. Now in new sweet and sour and cheese and tomato flavours. So as you can tell by that trailer, that advert, very British. It's policeman.

It's that picture of Britain that never really existed but people think that's when we were great. That Bobby's on the street, you can leave your door open and, you know, white dog dirt, Liverpool winning the European Cup. Jumpers for goalposts. Jumpers for goalposts.

Old lady neglect. Moors killers. Yeah. That's basically the group we want to go back to. So, Pot Noodles came in and I think probably late 70s, early 80s is when they first arrived. And immediately, almost immediately, they became stigmatised as student food because they were cheap. I mean, no, the instant ramen noodle is seen as student food around the world. Yeah, it's become accepted now anyway, far more in this country than it used to be.

Yes. It was almost a staple in America I think noodle snacks as university food yes that's it but they call it ramen noodles there whereas here we'd call them instant noodles

or pot noodles yes but it was very stigmatised pot noodles there's probably someone who listens to this podcast who likes you talking about noodles

who right now is fucking bashing at the fucking or fapping you know like roadrunners doing it you know

it's all and then when you go noodle they go they like with their finger point the bean point the bean poke the bean

poke the bean it's what I love I want to hear you like talk noodle poking the bean poking the bean poking the bean like that

yeah just like that I'm poking the bean right so pot noodle very much stigmatised and then the manufacturers themselves hooked on to their bad reputation in the 90s

and had a very post-modern ad campaign that liked the tango, almost. Where it was like the bad boy. The bad boy of snacks. It was dirty. It was slutty. You know what I mean? Which I found quite amusing. And it worked for them, to be honest.

Yes. But now, pot noodles. What I'll say is sometimes I enjoy a pot noodle, but I think because of the way they try and adapt these foods to the British palate, they put a load of corn flour in it, and it's kind of sludgy. Whereas the noodles that I like, the Japanese or Chinese noodles, have a clear broth. Yeah.

You know what I mean? A nice soup. It's a nice, clear have a clear broth. Yeah. You know what I mean? A nice soup. It's a nice, clear, soupy broth. Whereas this, they put so much flour. It's more like a stew. Yeah, it's not nice, really. It's casserole kind of quality.

It's slimy, yeah. Yeah. It's kind of all cornflour and slimy. But they have changed the recipe since then, so I presume it's a lot less. I mean, it's still, you're right, gloopy. Yeah.

I just wouldn't choose it as a quality noodle in any way, a pot noodle. I'm sorry. No, it's not, you're right, gloopy. Yeah. I just wouldn't choose it as a quality noodle in any way, a pot noodle. I'm sorry. No, it's not, but it serves a function, and it's still a brand big enough to carry on. Yes. So I'm going to open it right now, just to have a sniff. Let's have a little look. Have you got...

Because the gimmick with pot noodles is they have a sauce sachet inside. I was going to say, usually soya. Soya, yeah, for the chicken mushroom. For beef, it's tomato? Yeah, ketchup. And I presume the curry's just got a can of curry thing going on. A curry sachet in there, or chilli sauce, yeah. Is there a sachet? I think there might not be a sachet.

We just don't know. Let's find out. I'm going to pull back the tin foil. Not badly. You're not meant to tear it like I did. You're meant to fold it back to keep the... No, that's not... You're not meant to do that. You are, it says. No, it says take it all off. That's the other difference. It's got a sachet in. You are, it says. No, it says take it all off. That's the other difference.

It's got a satay in it. Ah. Tomato sauce. See, that's a straight... Ooh. We've had a little explosion. I went and got it up my nose. It's some powder.

He's inhaled some of this. So, tomato sauce. Yeah, it's some tomato sauce. Would you have ketchup with some mac and cheese? That's what I was thinking. I don't know. I'd have hot sauce with it. I would. Yeah, it's great. Just. Would you have ketchup with some mac and cheese? That's what I was thinking. I don't know. I'd have hot sauce with it. I would.

Yeah, it's great. Just give it a sniff there. Even in its dry state. It's got an artificial... It smells like you've left the cheese on the window still too long. Yeah, it certainly does. It looks like mouldy cheese. Shall we prepare this?

We're going to prepare it and come back with one big hot box of pot noodle and two forks. Let's see how this goes. It's very exciting. Here's an outfit for pot noodle again. Come back! Nice sandwich, dear. Yes, it's lovely. I do love cake.

It's just those sandwiches. I need something filthy, you know, like a kebab. But harder. Dan, never heard of pot noodle? Excuse me, do you do pot noodle? Pot noodle. Pot noodle. Do you do pot noodle?

I'll be back in two minutes. Ah! That felt so wrong and yet it felt so right. Pot Noodle, the slag of all snacks. So we have bought the kettle, we are back in the room and it is time now to... Taste the cheese... Mac and cheese Pot Noodle.

On a hot day in the house of pickles. Well, it's not the greatest day to try this. It's not the greatest day to try this, but... Do you want to have your first go? As the noodle connoisseur. I'm going to dive right in. Now, one thing I noticed, which I think people should understand, when they say mac and cheese, it's not actually macaroni.

They've stuck with the noodle format on the actual pasta. Very good point. I'm glad you brought that up. I'm contentious with that myself. Now, I'm looking at it, and it does look quite cheesy. It also looks like sick. Yeah, they all look it does look quite cheesy. It also looks like sick. Yeah, they all look like sick. Yeah, but that really looks like sick.

That looks like 2 o'clock in the morning, had too much to drink, sick. And there's some little oniony bits. Yeah, sick. Now, also, we're tasting it without the sachet of tomato sauce added first. Just for the time being, we want to get the raw noodle sensation. And you know what? The smell is very much like that kind of

milky smell that I got off the cheese flavoured ramen. I thought you were going to say that prostitute in Berlin. Just me thinking that was funny?

Yeah. Alright. For sure. As usual. Okay. So I'm going to scoff. Cool it down.

Give it a little blow. And here we go that's not good oh no it's all over your beard I've got a little napkin do you want a napkin here we go

I'll get you a napkin here we go thank you there we go is that better I see what you think but that is a slimy insipid.

The cheese flavour is so slight, it could just, you know what I mean? It's just not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Almost a staleness. Let me get a lot of this on my fork. Here we go. Go for it. Oh, it tastes so artificial, cheese.

Oh. It's not very nice, is it? I mean, I... I'm going to have another little bit. Have a little bit. So, what do you think, Paul? Well, if not macaroni, it's barely cheese. Yeah.

But, let's be honest, will the tomato sauce improve it? It needs something. Binning. Yeah, but it needs... I mean, with, that's just not good. I wonder why they went with tomato for the sauce in this, and why not make it like a herby thing? Well, I think, you know,

your standard person might have mac and cheese at home, a real mac and cheese, and might have some ketchup on it, mightn't they? Stare it in. You'd have it on the side. Personally, I think, nice mac and cheese with a good cheesy topping. Yeah, nice and crispy. Yeah. Brown topping, almost. Yeah. Almost burnt. Sort of orange, gone good cheesy topping. Yeah, nice and crispy. Yeah. Brown topping almost. Yeah, almost burnt.

Sort of orange, gone a bit orange. Yeah, lovely. Do you like crumble bits on the top? I know some people do do that. I can have that. I can give or take that. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. What's your view on crumble bits? Happy with, happy without. Yeah, same here. I find the cheese tastes nice. Yeah, as long as the cheese is there. And I like it with some hot sauce. It complements it perfectly.

A sriracha will work? A sriracha would be blamming Troid. Good. Couldn't put it better yourself, could you? No. I was in a restaurant the other day. I order a lot. And coleslaw.

Yeah. I ordered some coleslaw. This is a great story. And it came along and it had, you know what it had sprinkled lightly on top? Sriracha. Really? Yes. Well.

And it zinged. Did it zing? It absolutely popped. Are you frothing with anticipation? Right, so let's get some of this. I doubt. I don't think it's going to rescue it. I don't think it's going to rescue it, but here, I'm going to put the tomato sauce into it.

Yeah. And it's just ketchup. Low-grade ketchup. Should I stir it in? I'll stir it in a bit. I think you should stir it in and then have your first bite. Poor. Very poor.

Yeah, but it looks like someone had a blood accident in it. Oh, God. Oh, I'm actually... Oh, I don't know if I can do this. Right. Oh, mate. I don't know if I can do this. By the way, pot noodle people, if you want us to...

If you want us to sponsor your product, make it taste better. Oh, and the survey says... Now it just tastes like slightly sweeter pig. All right. Okay. Here we go. Are you all right, Paul? All right. I think we're done with you alright, Paul? Alright.

I think we're done with that now, aren't we? Oh, God. We were looking forward to this so much as well, weren't we? Oh, God. It's just not very nice. Now I know how the fans of Jem and the Holograms movie felt. That is... That is the worst... That's about the worst pot noodle I've ever tasted in my life.

Yeah, I think so. It is the vanilla monster munch of pot noodles. You know what I mean? It's terrible. It leaves a flavouring in your mouth, like when you burp. Yeah. You know, you get that kind of stomach acid aftertaste. The cheese just has no distinction.

It's very watery, almost. It is the banana flavour of cheese flavouring. Yeah, it's... It's artificial max. It's artificial and also has no bite. Do you know what I mean? It has no cheesiness, really. Right, I'm going to give that one.

I'll give it two, but it's like... Oh, maybe not. One and a half. One and a half. Because I thought if I had to eat something... And the tomato sauce just added some sugar sweetness to it. It made it more salty, sweet. Yeah, but not good.

It's not good. To be honest, it gave it that vile yeah but not good to be honest it gave it that bile feel that I didn't have when it was just that padme cheese ramen in comparison to that is through the roof

but yeah how much did that cost you 50p and that would have been at least a pound I think you get a better quality product out of that much much better

so there you go now we've that was a huge anti-climax for us Paul it really was I think we can put this down as our first failure. No, I know. It's the brand's failure.

It's the brand's failure. It's them. They've let us down. They made us excited for macaroni and cheese pot noodle. Basically, slimy. Slimy. Tasteless. Acid-y.

It manages to be disgusting and tasteless. I just verped. Oh, God, you always verbed. And now it tastes like I've just had a bite of it again. So, yeah, that was deeply unpleasant. That was unpleasant. Unpleasant. It was so bad, it made me forget how to say the word unpleasant.

Yeah, very, very poor. Oh. Right. I mean, I'm prepared to keep tasting cheese noodles, but that's definitely the worst of the two we've had. I think we've reached the bottom of the cheese barrel, cheese noodle barrel bin. Good, cracker barrel.

Yeah, and I think we've reached, we've also been to the heights. Yes. So what's in the middle? Well, there may well be other cheese. And do you know what, Paul? What? There is. Instant macaroni sold in noodle-style packs.

I've had those before, and they're quite nice. So I'll get some of those in. And we'll finish this trilogy of cheese. Yeah, you don't see them very often. The cheese illidry. The cheese illidry. Thank you. And they actually have actual bits of macaroni in. Wow. That are instant, like a noodle. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, we're doing that. I think we need to end on a high.

The thing is, you can make any sort of pasta, any shape, you can make it instant. The way you make it instant is you boil it in palm oil first. I didn't know that. Well, you fry it in palm oil. Yeah, no, I didn't know that. Well, that's how noodles are made.

Good. Instant noodles. Yes, I know. Should I just say it? Instant noodles. Should I say noodles a few times? Noodles. Noodles.

This is the sound of a fan at home as you say noodles. Noodles. No, stop making wank jokes there you go frothy cock I'm doing all the catchphrases

I know but someone did complain there wasn't enough frothing in the last episode well I think we've made up for it

in fact let's wrap this episode up right okay oh my god I did another little verb mate I've never had that reaction to that

yeah it was unpleasant Paul I have to say it wasn't very nice anyway that was another episode of Cheap Show thank you for listening if you want to help support this podcast then you can now

by going to Patreon go to patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show don't interrupt when I'm giving important information out patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Don't interrupt when I'm giving important information out. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. And if you go there, there are lots of different tiers that you can donate to. Even if it's a dollar, it's so greatly appreciated. But there are tiers there for 10, 20.

Well, no, because it has to be dollars because it's Patreon. And it gets converted into pounds when it gets dished around, right? Anyway, the point is is no matter how much you give we love it we're really appreciative it helps us pay for we want to get new microphones obviously and noodles noodles to taste you know and let you know about the noodles yes we're doing important work here people so and uh also we we want to go out on the road and go to more um let's go to more live shows and do one near you maybe and also we want to go and do some some uh car boot that was good people like the car to the car boot thing and so it all

helps thank you so much genuinely thank you yes it's fantastic it's i've been very moved and we're rolling out the uh this month's patreon prizes and things and the new podcast we're gonna do a special podcast uh which we're not going to talk about here. You're just, everyone who's got a Patreon and paid a certain amount will get this podcast delivered to them via Patreon. Especially for you. Especially for Patreon. A special little nuzzle. We've got something quite nice for you to listen to, I think.

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that's why it's called Cheap Show thank you and goodbye is that a sign off yes good

bye everybody you