CheapShow - Ep 460: Live At The Cheerful Earful Festival 2025

Episode Date: October 31, 2025

With Special Guests: Ria Lina & Paul Putner It’s CheapShow Live at the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival…. Again! Paul & Eli are back on stage at The Bedford Pub, Balham for another 90 minutes of chaotic, calamitous fun! Recorded live in front of an unprepared audience, the economy comedy podcast is unleashed once more. Over the next hour and a half, the Cheap Chaps will try to cram in as much CheapShow into 3 minutes as possible, add another dead animal to its collection, resurrect some long lost segments, and slather the guests with charity shop sourced gifts. To end the show, Paul has written a play that attempts to celebrate the podcast’s decade of existence… but something unexplainable and unexpected violently shoves the show into a completely different direction! The poor guests… they didn’t deserve this! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-460-live-at-cheerful-earful-2025 www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Okay. Oh, I don't want to do it. Come on, man. I don't want to do it. They're all out of here. I can't. They're waiting for us. I've got the pre-show wibbles.

Oh, it's fine. It's fine. I've got plenty of energy. So there's no need to have a huge meltdown at me when you get on to stage. Why do you always have this hushed voice before? Because I don't want to hear us. We're behind the curtains. Are we?

Yes, we're somewhere behind the curtains. I don't want people to hear us before we go on. So I can't see loud them. It's a little thing, Paul, called Verisimilitude, yeah? A little thing. called that. Realism, yeah? When they're acting, you wouldn't know about that. I wouldn't know it. Because you're the world's

worst actor. Anyway, what are we going to fucking do? No, I'll be loud. Yeah, so anyone can hear us. Fucking, yeah, whatever. We're not really, we're not really here. This is a recording. They'll hear you out in the audience. Shut up.

Anyway, what are we going to do for the intro? We're just going to go up and dance to our themes like we always do. Oh no. And then you're going to have a meltdown again. And like, shout at me. I don't like it. It puts me in a bad mood. That's why I'm wearing this sexy corset and jockstrap. I'm going out in style.

No, no, no. Come, let's think of something good for an intro, mate. Well, I haven't brought anything. I don't have anything. I could do, like, do my Whibble... Willie dance. No, not my Willie dance. I'm not going to do my Willie dance.

Get the Willie out. We have to go on very, very soon. Oh, okay, okay, how about this? I've got an idea. It's 10 years, right? Let's do something special to celebrate 10 years. Instead of giving them a bit of a show, let's give them a big way show, right?

Give them away, show you. Right, okay, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, no, they don't want to hear us. I thought you said, were we going to say, I have a big idea or something? Oh, wow. Eli.

Yes, Paul. I've got a very big idea. Just follow my lead. All right, fine. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show Live. Boost the music a little bit.

Because we're not just going to do a bit of Cheap Show. for you tonight. We're going to do all of Cheap Zone for you in three minutes. We're going to do the whole fucking lot in three minutes. So we're going to get around in your support. Are you ready, Eli? No. All right, we're going to do this. Here we go. Oh, go. Go, go, go. They're here.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Look, watch it's Flamed Nats, everybody! Yeah, fucking get them open! Silverman's Platter! Silver's Platter! I've got a record for Silverman's Platter! No, I forgot.

What do you mean, you forgot? It's the one thing I fucking asked you to do! And why do we use this record at play now? Oh yeah, this is by the raw band. The song is called Concrete and I just spat on you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That counts. That's the song we're listening to right now.

It's a pattern. It's a pattern, definitely. Poles page turners. Here we go. Right next, I've got this. Read out loud, the book of poems for every day. You're not going to find it in time. I can count, I can count to one with a current one.

I can count two with me and you. It's a poem. I can count three, now the comforting. It doesn't have to do it. to be in rhythm. Oh my God, Gannon's golf game. Gannes' Golden game. What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on? Right. It's the original golf game. It is snap playing cards. Right, here we go. Come on. Catt.

Lions. Lion's snap! Yeah! Who are you, I am? Who are you, I am? Who are? Off Rand. Brando.

Get them out. Get them out now! Give the Pringles! Prig out! Prig out! Don't give me that one because I saw it. I don't see no prig out! It's a pringle!

I'm not sure. So the jerk! So the jerk! So the jerk! So the jerk! God Almighty! God Almighty, you've made them better this, lady. Buddenberg, Burgundy creaming soda!

Lovely stuff. Okay, what's next on the list? Like that? Oh, fucking noodles! Whizmore, who are the noodle? There's a bull down by the desk. There you go. What we got here?

Look at that! Oh, God, it's fine. That's out of date. Christ Almighty. Right. Don't eat that, honestly. Go. They might have fishing them something.

Come on, come on! Two pounds! Two pounds! Two pounds! Well? 25p! No. A huckle toy.

A quick, do I get any for twigs? Walk between with the balls are. Yeah! Who wants to? Who wants a Bullseye? What we got? Oh, that's it, it's over! Cheap Show, everybody!

Welcome to Cheap Show, everybody! I'll be doing the next two minutes while he doesn't have a heart attack. Just grab a breath, come on. Hello, it's a cheap show. The Economy Comedy Podcast, where every week Eli and I go through the Bargabins, the charity shops, shops, the Poundlands, the thriftals, the... What's that? I've got crabs.

For the audience listening at home, he's holding a picture of cartoon crabs are next to his genitalia. That's a good start, mate, no, it's a really, really good start to the podcaster. Impro master. Anyway, hello, this is our. Thank you to the cheerful, earful podcast lesson to having us for yet another year. Thank you all for coming out today.

Oh, we're celebrating basically 10 years as one of the podcast. So, woo, we're not dead yet. There's cream on the stage. There's orange crem on the stage. There's cream on the stage? Get the cream up here. Can we all calm the fuck down? Just for a little bit.

Because I've been on stage five minutes, and I'm close to having a stroke. No shit. Look, we've got orange cream. I know, that's what I said. A bit warm, though. No worries, so I can refrigerate that. Thank, who sent that? Who gave these?

Who was that? Who's that? Who's hand up? Thank you. Fuck off. Right, we got what we wanted from. You didn't taste the creaming soda pool. I did. It's called creaming soda pool. It's called creaming soda.

No, I know. I got the impression. Did I do well? Yes, Eli. I did do well finding that drink. Thank you. Yes, I did. Thank you. Yes, I did. No, no, no. Don't ever fucking give him any plaudits for anything he ever does ever. Because, frankly, it belittles us all.

Right, so we couldn't get everything into the opening of that three-minute song thing in me jig. So we thought we'd save a few things for now, things we haven't done in a while, such as, Mr. Silverman, do you have a top three for us? I do. Actually, it's very important one, actually, Paul.

Good, no, good. So, in case people don't know, every now and then, well, I say every now and then, eight years ago, Eli used to come up with the top threes of things. Let's see what the top three is, though. He said he planned in advance of this performance tonight. Types of noodle. That's right.

In third place, the third best type of noodle. Chau Main. No one's fighting that decision. Good, carry on. Chao May. No, you can say it as often as you like, mate. Does everyone know what I mean by that, though? Like you're getting a Chinese takeaway and you ask for roast pork chamein, that kind, an egg noodle, basically.

That's in third place, it's a very strong noodle, it's very good noodle. Paul, why did you cancel this segment? I don't know, I'm trying to have a hard fucking think about it. Anyway, in second place. So that chalemines at the bottom? Yes, it's a top three. I'm building tension.

What would be number one? It won't be what you expect. All right, click-baked Silverman. In second place, Ho Fun. Now these are the rice noodles you get, also in Chinese takeaways, if they're a class operation, which is a ribbon, very soft, very absorbent of whatever sauce you're going to put around it or on it. It gets that Singapore on it, it gets the black bean sauce on it, anything. It's soft, it is comforting the Ho Fun noodle, everybody.

And in first place. Bring it oh me lie. I... Spaghetti! What? I told you, that is the best is the best noodle, and it is a noodle and I don't care what you said.

I can't work with this. I can't work with you. Spaghetti is my favourite type of noodle, everybody. That's it. You're right. You're right. Whatever's you said, yeah. Right.

Did I prepare that? Yes, I fucking did. All you did was say the same fucking three noodles you always fucking say. I'm gonna walk on. That's my fucking thing. I storm off. That's why my voice is high.

Get on stage. Get on stage. Right, so the other thing we haven't done in a while, and I wonder if you've prepared this too, but Eli's got a life hack for us. Okay, keep this sort of straight, yeah? Yeah, go on. Very short, very sweet.

Go on. Don't have kids. Don't shoot the messenger. Can we boost the sound on our speakers a little bit? Sorry, because I just wanted to play this sound effect. Should I say don't have kids again? You can do it again. Yeah, go on, do it again.

Don't have kids. Perfect. I've got one as well. Uh-oh. Uh, don't do a podcast with small people. Offensive? Oh, it's a small people. Yeah.

Who are a group? Are they? Are they? No, they're not a group. They're more like a kind of a murderer's nest. Again. What? A tribe.

There's not what they call you lot, tribes. Keep digging, man. I've got the JCV over here. Yeah, you shouldn't have gone with that. No, I definitely shouldn't have gone with that. I'm definitely going to back out of this right now. The tribe thing, do it. Is that all right?

Because there is something, because it's not quite Halloween, but we wanted to be a little bit spooky. So what I'm going to say next is, the thing we're about to do, if you are afraid of the occult, if you are afraid of dark magic, if you are afraid of anything potentially supernatural,

we are going to ask you to leave the room for the next few minutes, because we're going to, what's the way I'm looking for? Induct. And you remember, of the Cheap Show family here today. If you just keep going,

because I can't locate it right in seconds. Right. So now I have to kind of just talk all the, have you got it? Right, okay, so I'm just gonna go ahead and say, don't set off the buzzers. You got it, right, he's got it, okay, good. Right, so, in the past, you've heard of Cheggers.

In the past, you may even remember Keith. Eli, tell us more. Well, Paul, today I want to tell you a story about an entity. In that case, Eli's going to be doing some incantations now to welcome this new character. Tell the story, yeah. Here we go, here you go, tell you story now. Everybody! Oh, I'm on the wrong one.

There was a frog. He was a real frog He was chased by an evil cat called Percy behind a bed But this frog had fortitude He stayed there Waiting for his opportunity

He never came Drexel everybody He's a dry frog He's in here Behold Trexel! Drexel! Drexel!

Who want to sniff this shit? It's bad! Snit Drexel! He smells like a pond! Anyone else? Yeah! He's like a lot! Yes! It's Drexel, everyone!

He looks like an alien! You've got five more minutes of this. No, you don't, you don't. He looks like the Zenoble! He's tried out. I picked the fluff off as well. Drexel is birthed, everyone! Out of interest, who's never been or knows what Cheap Show is in the audience?

Yeah, that's troubling, isn't it, what you just saw up there? You're thinking, is it, hang on, isn't it, just too boring cunt, talking about the comedy industry for an hour? And I was like, I mean, we could do that, but instead we thought you'd show you a dead frog. A magic dead frog? dead frog that Eli may or may not have sex with.

Sex magic. It's good sex magic. I've also got this. Look. Can't that more like it? Yeah. This is a snail stress toy and its eyes pop out. How much was that then?

I've got 4P. Fuck off. What cost 4P? Nothing. Two Penny Sweets. You're dick. You're ugly man. Can we get on? Because...

Play along. For some reason, we do also have guests tonight joining us on the show who will be playing some of the games we've got planned for the next... What have we got? Yeah. Two hours of show. So get comfortable. Not really.

So we have... Both the guests you're going to see on stage tonight has joined us recently on the podcast and they're returning to do it live with us tonight. So our first guest tonight, comedy actor, very funny man, full stop, been in pretty much anything you've ever seen that you've loved on TV. And now, for some reason, he's here.

So, ladies and gentlemen, he's on stage. Paul Huttler! Take a mic, take a mic, take a mic. Over to you, Paul. I'm just wondering. I've just watched the beginning of the show. I'm sorry.

Most enjoyable. Do you think you peaked too early? Yes, always do. You haven't really got anywhere to go now, have you? Oh, yeah, we've got places to go, don't you worry about that? Yeah. Yeah, right. Down is where we're going next. Mr Portner, thank you for joining us today.

Well, thank you for having me. We've only really given you a taster of what to expect on this show tonight, so hopefully you're going to be all right. Yeah, dead frogs, that kind of thing. Necrophilia, dead frogs. There's no more dead animals in the rest of the show, Paul. Fake Pringles. Oh, I know, right. What a shame.

I thought when you introduced me, so Paul Putney, he's been in prison rather than pretty much in everything. I haven't been in everything. But have you been in a prison in a show? Yeah, I think it was an episode of play school. Yeah, you were locked up with Jemima and... That's right, yeah, looking through the arch window.

Jokes are the only people over 55 will have it. Yeah! Who's 35 and old to put your hands up? Hey! Anyone younger than that, put your hands up? Why would the old people just... And then the young people... Oh!

No, here's a test. Go on. Charlie Brook a test. Oh, go on. Stick your hands up if you know who Zamo is. Get out. Yeah, yeah. There you are, 50-50.

Yeah, because I just want to know if we need to do comedy about... Grange Hill or Fortnite because you need to pick one right now. I don't know why everyone was so down on Zamo, I just had a cold. I mean, I've got a bit of a cold at the moment. Is that the kind of cold you usually get off the top of a sister-in-in-the-to-oil? Have we doing smack? So, Mr Putner, we would like to ask you,

have you found anything of interest in a charity shop of late that has tickled your fancy? Yeah, now I quite like finding signed items in charity shops I found the meaning of life the Monty Python book signed by Michael Palin with a little message saying I hope you hang on to this forever

the meaning of life you know and then the trick is to find Don Estelle albums which haven't been signed by Dona Stelle yeah because anyone could sign them but I found a mate's album

which had come out that long ago which was in a charity shop which was signed so I sent a photo to him to say oh look I just seen one of your album signed he said who's it to

I know who that is so I ruined a friendship there I think but yeah signed items but as it's Halloween that one of my favourite thingies I bought and it wasn't cheap either

was a life-s model of I think it's Lon Cheney from the Phantom of the Opera and it could speak and the eyes would move and I got it home and it was broken so I used to just stand it at the back window so people would look up would always see this figure and now it's just taking up a lot of space in the attic just like my love life that makes no sense right But because you're a guest And we like to give guests little treats We've got you a few things to say thank you That we got in a charity shop So here are three things that you might already own They're yours if you want them

Let's have a look What have we got here? What have you got there? Top of the Pops annual 1982 Great year A great year Yeah It's got Ian Jewry on the cover

What up I love a bit of Ian Elton John Competitions Yeah The Jam, Blondie It was a good year, actually. It was a good year, 82.

Very good. When I know, I was seven. If you compared it, for example, to 86. Brilliant. 86 is full of crap, wasn't it? 87's a bad year for music. Bad year, bad year. No, I'll accept this.

It's Saville 3. Yes, though. Right. I did vet it. Ronnie Barker's unbroken British record. There you go. The comic genius. We love a bit of Ronnie B.

Now, you may have that because it's quite prolific in charity shops, but I have got seven copies of it, so now I have six. Yeah. Oh, and Julian and Sandy, I don't have any of these. This is great. There, there. There you go.

Anyone who knows who Julian and Sandy are? There were characters with Kenneth Williams and... Oh, cracky, what's the other show? I know, I always forget the name. It was part of Round the Horn. And they spoke Polari, right? Yes, they did, yeah. That's right. Hugh Paddock.

Hey, you panic. That's the chap. Yeah. So there you go. Yeah, and you know what? you absolutely could do that today. Yes. Just felt like saying that.

Right, in that case, Paul, sit back for a moment. Enjoy the rest of the show. We're going to get second guest number two on. Again, another comedian you've seen in everything at the moment because she's working hard for the money. So hard for the money. But she's better not the dirty. That'll do. Fuck it.

She was on the podcast earlier this year. We'll be played Have I Got News for You, the board game. She's back for some reason tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the fantastic Rielina. Who? Oh, leaving it up. Rockin' hair, baby, leaving it up.

How is this hurt? Don't. Why is this one? Leaving it up. All right, that's right now. We're living it up. We're going to be out of it better. Can't get out of time.

Live it up. Rock it and roll. Live it up. All right. Woo. Woo. I'm nearly 50. I can't.

I can't do this I'm sorry Rhea that was an excuse just for me to play the Russ Habits Madhouse theme sorry that'll translate beautifully to audio

I don't care I don't care about that it was in my writer I said I'm only coming on the show if both of you wiggle your crotch now you didn't see in what direction though oh I did

yeah she did I can't unsee that hello I'm good I do have an issue with spaghetti why as a noodle what oh listen

oh yeah go on get into it and I just it's not the best noodle. That's my issue with it. I don't mind it being on the list. Fair enough. But it should have gone, well, Chalmay and I would have moved higher.

Ho fun, fuck you, what are you saying I am? But the first and the best noodle is the swim noodle. Thank you very much. You can float with it. You can whack people with it. It is the best fucking noodle. And I cannot, it's cheap.

It's like less than a quid for one of them. I cannot believe you want spaghetti. No, that, that, nah, nah, nah. I'm glad you made it. Thanks. What are we going to say? Oh yeah, so we're going to ask you the same question. Okay.

How you doing? You're all right. I'm all right, love. You're all right, love. I'm all right, yeah. How's your back? Better than yours after that dance. It's not good.

Do you want me to talk while you catch your breath? I mean, you may as just do the whole show. That's the case. Because I might die. No, I'm not putting up with that much, Eli. I might die. What? Love you, Eli.

No, I do love you, Eli. I love you, though. Do you want to do a podcast with me? Okay, yeah. Do you mean this one or a different one without Eli? Yeah, a different one. Okay. A good one.

I want to do a podcast with someone with like at least 20% less body hair. I'm half German. There's no guarantees. Yeah. Yeah, but I like that. It's something to grab hold of, isn't it? That's not a podcast, honey. That's only fans.

Anyway Like with Paul We got you a few charity shop presents To say thank you and coming along I'm excited I think of things that you would benefit from So let me have a little look in me little bag of presents Is it a razor?

Oh we were meant to do that weren't we Well No we'll forget that now Don't do that now There's no point in setting off the big explosion When that was 20 minutes ago I'll save it for a moment later yeah I had it a minute ago. Where is it?

Where is it? I think I'm about to have a stroke. I think you should offer your Patreon listeners as a special treat, the risk assessment for this show. What is it you're looking for, but everything's gone? Oh, it's on the chair. Thank you. Right, okay, so, you're a... It's just a pen calm the fuck down. Jesus Christ.

So you're a stand-up, and you do a lot of standing up, don't you? I do. Do you want me to now? Only if you want to show off that, you can do stand-up. Thank you. Weird. For the listeners at home, I stood up. So I thought, oh, your feet must be barking. So I got you this second-hand foot massage, electro-rubbing thing.

It's a cozy feet massager. Oh, is it used? Why is it called Super Skunk as well? It's called Super Skunk. That's weed, man. Oh my God. Super skunk, it's weed, man. Plugs into PC.

Has it got weed in it, man? Into my computer. This is not for feet, honey. Thank you so much. It's all right, I cleaned it. Only one, though. That's weird. One foot at a time.

It's really not for feet. I tell you why. Now, your next little present is because... How is that only two quid? It's a nice shade of veruca. Well, it's green on the other side, so it's either gang green or varuka. What a lovely, well-designed product that is. Thank you.

Right, your next little prize, your next little gift is because you're a stand-up and you might need help with writing gags. Okay. I got you this Jay Leno joke book. She likes that. You can learn a lot from Jay Leno. Oh, real-life crime headlines. That's quite funny. Prick and all that kind of stuff.

It's basically a joke book where from the show he did things about car accidents. I guess that's funny, Jay. Let's make a laugh at that. There's no one-liners. They're all just... No, I know. They're quite big. They're not jokes. We want to find a good... Oh, wait.

They're not jokes. Hang on, hang on. The concept is a joke. What's just... Oh, here we go. Here's a police report. This one's quite short. Police report. A bag of marijuana was found on February 11th on Abel's parking lot and can be claimed by the owner

at the station. That ain't happening I think you need I think you presume that marijuana is illegal And that's why that's what you're back in the day It's not that it is It isn't that funny Is there any new kids on the block jokes

Yeah they're the ones Collecting the bag at the station All right One last present for you One last one, thank you One last one I'll read that on the train I know you like books

I do like sex Do you? Do I? When did I? I've been single for nine years I don't remember what it I think it's great grown over. Do you know what I mean? Like, does your Hyman grow back? Do you, I haven't

even had... It's like an ear piercing, isn't it? You have to like... You have to maintain... Yeah, you do. You have to maintain it or it just seals over. It's just like that. So I've helped you out. I've got you a book. It's Brenda Loves, the encyclopedia of unusual sexual practices. Oh, that is brilliant. Oh, you... Oh,

give me that. That's bedside reading. I don't know what infibulation is, but there's a great picture that goes with it. There's no pictures, everyone. There's a lot of pictures. Paul. It is the term you for either sewing or fastening... Oh, there is a picture. Jesus Christ.

Oh. Hang on, let me just read this out before I share it. It's a woman. Yes. Wow! I don't think he's seen one before. Hang on. Wait, no, wait.

Infibulation is the term used for either sewing or fastening of the foreskin over the penis. Oh. Or sewing the labia menorah or labia major together. Oh. Or sewing the scrotum around the penis.

This type of penis. inflammation determines whether it prevents full erection or only part penetration. Anyway, lots to take home with you to think about. Paul, Paul, Paul, before you move on? Yeah. Could you look up pegging? Pegging. Inflibulation.

Woo-hoo. Congratulations. I've sealed your foreskin up so you can never come. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, this is the content of our show. And you've come along and you've been, this will be fine. It's just a bunch of stand-ups. And it's like, yeah, but you learned something today, didn't you?

Nothing else. It's good, in it? Can I just say, I'm really sad that in this book, it's an alphabetical order. It does have two to three pages on paedophilia. But then it skips straight to penetration toys. There is no pegging. All right, keep it upbeat, love. Keep it upbeat.

Family audience, love everyone. Are there any jokes about Richard Gerey? Hang on, I'll look up hamster. Right, let's move on because, again, it's our 10-year celebration. We're doing things we haven't done in a while because why not? The format of the podcast has changed

and mutated over the years, but one thing we've strayed away from and we're coming back to tonight is unfortunately this. Ladies and gentlemen, my most loathed of segments on the podcast in the history is don't get mad. Now, a little bit of backstory for you, for everyone, in fact. This came from an online game for Christian families to play. And effectively, it is 100 scenarios, and you have to play out those scenarios between kids and parents to work out a way to mollify the

angry needs of a child, right? However... That's not what it's for. It is. It's to teach kids not to not get mad in situations, isn't it? Yeah. It's anger management. Yes. It's not to mollify. What does that even mean? You don't know. You don't know.

I'll know. What does mollify mean? What does mollify? I'm sick of this. Hang on, I'll look it up in the sex book. I might be in that book. I think it's when you put... Come on, keep going. Fine. So anyway, the thing I hated about it Whilst when we were improvising it originally,

it would end with just Eli's say, Oh, I'm going to take a shit everywhere. Oh, I go to take a shit. Which people laugh. Yeah, because people don't know better. To mollify, to appease the anger or anxiety of someone. Yeah, to appease the anger. Yeah, but no.

I'm going to take that as a win, motherfucker. Fine. I'm taking the win. You're still sloppy. Well, yeah, so. Look, shut up. Everyone shut up. Everyone, you shut up.

Everyone. We're playing, shut up. Clever bastard. Right, so we're going to play the game tonight. Eli will play the Procosius Child. And then in turn, Paul and then Rea will be the parental figure trying to prevent Eli from getting mad, right? So.

Sorry, did you call Eli precocious? In this role play game segment that we're doing right now, yes. Okay. It's basically a part of the show where I can sit there for five minutes and do fucking nothing for a bit. Okay. It's all right. Yeah, all right, my life.

Because I'm very old. Yeah. I'm very tired. So you're going to play the grandpa in the corner. Yeah, absolutely. Right, okay. So I've got two scenarios for you to play out with our guests today. And so what, do I have to get mollified?

What am I trying to do here? You are playing little brown. Yes. And for instance, Paul's going to come on, and we're going to improvise a scene together. And what's my mission statement here? Well, don't get mad. Don't get mad.

Oh, yeah. Okay. They have to correct your behaviour so you don't get mad. It's fine. Right? Yeah. So the first scenario, Mr. Putner, if you'd like to take the stage,

I'm going to stand out of the way. Eli, you are playing a naughty little boy, and you're in a public shopping centre with your daddy, played by Mr. Paul Putner. Alright, all good Okay So you'll be playing Mr. Putner, you'll be playing Eli's daddy

You're in a supermarket All good You're in a supermarket And Eli wants to go the toilet Is that right? I thought it wasn't... Okay I wouldn't we'd have trolleys, wouldn't we?

So Eli, you're going to make a scene because you want to go to toilet But you're in a public supermarket with your daddy You've got to make sure he doesn't get mad Okay? and action Daddy, I need to go toilet We're only going to be here for another five minutes

I'm sure you can hold on for a bit longer I don't think I can, you know because I really need to go now Well, I tell you what, have this 4 litre bottle of lemonade Drink that and that'll cheer you up You won't be thinking about Expelling fluid from your body anymore

That's pacified me somewhat But I still need Still need I really think he mollified you actually I do need to, I really do need to, can I have the lemonade and I get home please? Well, I need a wee now. All right, let's put it back on the shelf. Really need a wee now.

Really? Well, I tell you what. I don't know why you're going to be my carer and, you know, this is exactly the kind of thing. Right. Well, I find, try jumping up and down. Okay. Have a bit of fun, be playful. No, that's making it worse.

Is it making it worse? I don't understand. It's really hurting. I would have some kind of mollifying properties. Oh, no. I've really, am I supposed to be holding it still? All right, okay, stop. Well, I tell you what, it's quite quiet down the cereals aisle.

Okay. Captain Crunch, huh? Captain Soft after I'm done of it. Okay. You hear that, Paul? No. Right. What other cereals could you piss on and change the name off?

Periodos? Perios. Perios. Let's think. I'm a child. Shredded weaty smell. No, no. Asparagus.

You ever had asparagus? Wow. Honey nut meat us. I'm just getting involved. Come to get angry. I'm meant to get angry. Honey nut lose. Do you remember?

Honey nut lose? Yeah. Sorry, you start me off. you've started me off, I can't... Rice, piss, peas. Golden Winnit. No, hang on to me, that's different, isn't it? No, right.

Wheat or shits? All right, it's just all-go, in it? Right. Now, that surely would have put you off wanting to urinate. Yes, it has, sort of, actually, because, you know, you've pointed out that, you know, it'd be absurd for me to go and take a wee in the cereal,

so I've made. to, you know, mind over matter. Draw it back into your bladder. Yes. I've swallowed it up, back up the meter's hole. Yes. And what I find, I've found this book recently, if you were to sew up.

That sounds like a sex thing, though. Really? Oh, no, I got it off of Julian and Sandy LP, yeah. Yeah. So, it's very good. Right, you know what, you know what, fine. You molly called him. Thank you, Mr. Putney.

You successfully... Thank you very much, don't you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I did go get mad. I thought you, you know,

I thought you're going to get mad. You thought you're going to get mad, well, I'm doing... I'm playing the game, you know? But the whole fucking thing is they want music going to go and get mad. All right, fine. Hey, sorry about that.

Anyway, round two, Rialina, you're up for a little scene now with Eli. Are you're the only one who's freezing in this room? No, because I'm... Why is the air constantly trying? I'm really sweating my tits off. This is a glorious thing for me right now. Okay, all right.

It's nice. I mean... I've actually got a scarf in my bag. Yeah. You want a scarf? Yes, please. Okay. We're dressing our guests now with scarves.

Thank you, son. Oh, nice, sir. It's not much of a scarf, is it? What a lovely host, Eli is. Thank you, Eli. Okay. Prepared! That's what it is.

Right, so here's the next scene. Ria. Yes. You're the mother. Okay. Eli's naughty boy again. Oh. He's in a video, he's in a shop like HMV or something,

and he wants the latest video game, Death Murder 4. How old is this game? HMV. Well, this, that's the whole thing. Okay, HMV. So Eli's going to want it, and you're going to tell him no. So Eli, you... Yeah, go on. Go on, Eli, go on.

What death murder for? Tough. You haven't done your homework. I don't want to do that. Well, then you don't get death, whatever fuck the four is. It's got like Eldridge Five. It's got bits from Eldridge Five in it. Oh, I see. And how are you going to pay for it?

He's a big guy, he's got like horns. Okay, how are you going to pay for it? You pay, you're my mummy. Yeah, I'll pay after you do your homework. You do your homework, I'll buy you the game. The homework's so boring. Yes. So is life, mate.

That's what it preps you for. I've done half of it. Where? Prove it. Yeah, exactly. What? In your head? It's in my head, yeah. I've heard that before. You're the youngest of four. There is very little that you're going to get past me at this point. Sheesh.

Can I have this one then? What is this one? This is a... Yeah. You see, if you've done your homework, you could have read it. It's Piggy Pod goes up and down, five. It's a bit childish, actually. I bought you Piggy Pop goes up and down one through three, and you never finished them.

Why should I buy you five? They're shit, actually. The physics, the physics engine, very bad on those. Yeah. I agree with you. This is a puzzler, though. This is a puzzler, and it will help me do my homework. Will it?

Yeah. How? That's a video game. Your homework's on pen and paper. My math head will be better after play game. Why don't you warm up your math head with your homework to play the game? You'd win it faster. Be more rude.

Be more rude. Can I have death and murder five? Poo-Poo. Did you just call me poo-poo? No, no, I was saying, oh, poo-poo! Like that. Oh! Do you want to go home with no video game

and not have dinner tonight? How much are you going to push me on this? What's for dinner? Whatever I goddamn feel like making you. Yeah, but what have you got in? Well, I tell you what I don't have in, spaghetti. I'm sorry, this is turning into a fucking Alan Bennett play. Just thank you, Ria.

You didn't, you, fine, take a seat. Take a seat. No, well done. Thank you for putting him in this place. But, mate, I thought the whole fucking point of this is because, oh, uh, uh, ran, round, ran. It's just just just fucking let me down. You fucking tried.

No, you didn't fucking try it. No, this is fucking outrageous. No! You know what I'm gonna fucking do? Go on. If you don't like my performance here, you're having to go there, I'm gonna shit!

I'll shit everywhere! I'm going to shit up there! I'm sitting! I'm shitting! I'm shitting right now! Really? Really shitting! I'm free!

How shit was that? Right. On paper, it all sounds so much fun. Right, so we're doing something special to take up the bulk of this episode now because I think we've got, what, yeah, about 45 minutes. So I have done something very unusual in that we got all of this out of the way

because I've written a play today. So I've sent the script. to everyone on their phones. I couldn't open it, my PDF thing. It doesn't work, I don't know, I couldn't do it. It's fine, don't worry about it. How many lines have I got in this? Not that, well, not that many.

It's mostly me. This sounds really boring. No, it's a play that celebrates 10 years of Cheap Show I've turned the last 10 years into, like, a narrative, the highs, the lows, the ups, the downs, the ups, the downs, the heartbreak, the joy. I've meld it all together and I've decided to put on a play. So, we're going to get that started now.

Please check your phones, the script. It's only a few lines. You can borrow my phone off, you told me. You can borrow my phone then, fine, it's all right. This is fucking a knight man. Just take a seat over there while I start this off. Because, yes, a special, cheap show, 10-year celebratory drama, per fans. Performance.

And I'd like to begin that for you now. Thanks. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome me. The year is 2016 and a young boy, a young swipper-snapper called Paul Gannon, wakes up from his bed. Oh, didn't see you there. My... Ah...

Oh? Sorry, hang on. I didn't see you there. My name's Paul Gannon, a lonely podcaster who just wants to meet a friend to make a podcast with. I hope I can find a friend one day so we can make the greatest podcast in the world ever. And all I want to do is be a star and go on the big steps. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine, it's just got a bit of a headache.

Oh, I remember my friend... Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Um, we think this is actually... Stop.

Stop! I don't know what the fuck's going on here. I think something's coming. I think something's in me. Something's in me. Eli. Eli, something's inside me. I bet it is.

I can feel it. I can... Ugh. Uh. Uh. Uh. He made this bit too long, didn't him? Waiting long.

It's... It's Timothy P. Quizmaster! Timothy P. Questmaster! It's chocker time! Hey! Hey, hello! I am Timothy P. Pressmaster! And I have taken over the soul of the lonely Wankerpawl.

Hello, Timothy P. Shut up. So where you've been in the other realm, have you? Have you? The Quest world. Oh, yeah. I was, oh, he won't believe it. I was in the Dole Cube and the DSS person said, have you done quests lately? And I went, no. And he went, oh, if you haven't done a quest, we can't give you a Pixie Dole. No, that doesn't work because it's like you're trying to find quests and then they don't have to pay you because you get paid for the quest. It's the other way round. If you haven't done quests, then they pay you. You just need to show you've been looking for quests. I have been looking. Okay, good. No, you like me, DSS officer. Always questioning me. Anyway, I've been in the docks making chocker come out of sailors.

Oh. And I make the magic one go up and down, up and down, up and down. Brilliant. And, uh... So anyway, I thought, because all the nice boys and girls haven't seen me before,

I'd like to come on and give a cannon's golden quest. Okay, who's gonna play this? What voice am I ripping off? I don't know, it's been so long. It's that guy out of that animated thing. Remember, there was that animated sketch show thing. To be honest, I have the comportion to say,

I want jelly, but... Keep doing the voice, you wanker. I'm doing it now. So anyway, I have decided that I am going to make all the dreams come true for the lovely people in the audience. Because there are... We've got prizes. We got...

We got four prizes. We've got original. test pressings of the Cheap Show album These are the very first four albums off the list and we're going to give them away to special people I shouldn't have done this voice

I've got to keep this up for 45 fucking minutes I know, mate we were running through this just in front of your PC just in your front room and you got out of breath so fuck knows what's going on now can we stop off the podcast

a minute for a friend what? Just come around it Hey what you doing? Come round it I don't want to go around there just this off the books I don't want to do this no more we gotta do it

I'll do it okay no I'll do it I'll do it you just be Timothy P where we got the thing right no we got a special wheel because we're gonna play four random games

tonight from the quest and Paul and Rhea will be going head to head, head to head, head to head, head to head, head to head, head to head to head, to win prizes because we will pick two people at random from audience and whoever wins Paul or Ria, they will get the prize and give it to the people. Yeah, that's nice. That's how I'm getting rid of them. That's how I'm getting rid of them. Just rearrange your whole mess there. fat, fat guts. Right. So, we have a spinny wheel. But we need the contestants from the audience first, don't we? No, later, in a minute.

In a minute. You just take me through it. I don't know what's going to. So, we're going to spin the wheel and whatever it lands on, oh, we're going to do it. And we've got whack-a-mole. We've got, I rubbed that off

with my thumb by accident. What is it? What was it? I don't know. Was it spin again? Was it spin again? I think I've pulled a muscle in my ear. everything.

We've got just a minute. We got mind benders. We've got a lovely tea break, so we've got to have cup of tea. Wet head. Wet head. And the pinboard challenge. And so we're going to spin it for a time and whatever it land on.

We do. We do. We do. We do. I don't know what's going on. I don't know. Again, this was much better when I considered it as a thing for the last five minutes. But no, it's taking up the book of the show. Right, let's just all admit I'm going to come in and out of character. It's not going to be very consistent. Take the mask off, you fucking duck.

But I like it. Well, keep it on then. Do one other. I'm going to deuce fresh water. What? Salty fresh one. Yay! Night salty, fresh one with my tenor men stuffed right up in my armour.

Ooh, I've got so many sanitary pads for men's style up in my bum crack. It's only when we do this podcast live. Do I realise what a fucking weird show in is? Night of the realm, sir, fresh one, fresh one. Yay! It's not long. It is going to take a while to explain what's going on. But he thinks he is.

Yay! Whoa! Right. Nay! And see. And sleep. I can't believe you've done that. And sleep.

Right, so we're going to do our game. So Paul and Rea, come and join us to take a stand just over there. We're going to play four games. And we're going to spin. And we're going to see what the first game is right now. Oh. Oh. Where's the marker on it?

marker on it. How do you... Oh, okay. Oh, tea break. Tea break. Hey! So, we're just going to take a break for a couple of minutes. Have a cup of tea. So, yeah. Oh, you got actual tea. That's it. Just, uh, I forgot me clicker. Where's me clicker gone? I've got too many things and not enough body parts. Where's my clicker? Where's me clicker? Where's me clicker? Eli, where's me clicker?

Where's my clicker? Where's my clicker? I'm just saying, where's me clicker, Eli? Where's my clicker? I've got too many pockets. Right, I'm just going to go over here. So while we have a nice cup of tea, you can watch Noisland, because he's on a video for us,

for the trackbot song, off our album. So enjoy this. Bradbot is back in the his e-housey. Hello, I'm DragBoss, I list trackbats for you. Invalible, tangible, that's that are all true. The only thing I want is I've been a charging space. Family and Spunk might be messing my database. Let's go back to 1984

Luloo-Riems number seven. We're child, Sarah Brightman, Jim Diamond, team up to sing, broken wings. Samantha blocks, systematic, highest charge position eight. Christy Bird, spirit in the sky, highest charge position one. I heard I try, but I list track facts for you. You'll be malleable, tangible, that's that's all true. The only thing I want is a leader-todging space than me as fuck might be messing my database.

What's that famous Adele song with rolling in the title? Burr-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-a. Ah, Adele is home for Gipsy, Beetzie, dee, beanie, yellow-bogo bobby-dee-dee. Very good, thank you very much. Stimmy, USB Systematic Sticky, me in my USB

Systematic Systematic Systematic I'm a tripod I list track facts for you Be mannable, tactible That stands out more true The only thing I want is I've been a target space

The big and spark might be messing my big a lake Oh my bigger legs I think he and spark I be missing my big a lady's I try but I list track facts for you Evailable Facts that are all true The only thing I want is a cleaner charging space

that we and stock might be messy my database All facts are correct as of broadcast Good. The wonderful noise on there with the trackbox target video Thank you to him Right, we had a little tea break, that's all good, we're all a little bit relaxed now We can crack on with the rest of the game, here we go I've put a muffler on yours

Very nice. Thank you. Right. We're going to spin the next wheel. Let's see what the next game is. Here we go. One, two, three. One, two, three.

Now, this is weighted weird to it might get two tea breaks, in which case you're watching the song again. There we go. Pimboard. What is it? Okay, pinboard game. Pinboard game.

So, as a lot of people know, I have a disgusting obsession with pinboard badges and board games, and I have quite a lot of pin badges. How many? How many? Let's find out. That many. Well, that's some of them. That's some of them at the very least. So here's what we're going to do. Eli, have you got a timer on your phone?

Yes, but I turn my phone off. Right, in that case, I will. I need you to keep a track of the time then because I'm going to do this. I'll find. We'll do that. Yeah, just keep talking like we're doing that. Now, Paul, I do want to bring up one thing. Yeah. We don't have the contestant from the audience. Do that now.

Okay. I'm fucking doing that right now. So, who would like to win a copy of the Air Cheap Show album? Right, Eli, you pick two at random. One from this side, one from that side. We've got this guy here. Right, stand up, sir. This person here.

Right, you stand, oh, stay there. What's your name? Matt. Oh. Oh, Red Bull. Don't give him Brooks. I better not. This is the good stuff, Paul.

Have you heard of this one, this type? I will fuck it. use it to infibulate your cock in a minute. Right. Matt, thank you. And your name? Natalie. Natalie, wonderful.

So, Paul will be playing for Natalie. Ria, you'll be playing for Matt. Here's how the game goes. You can just take a seat, mate. Sorry. I got your hopes up, but don't worry about it. Because the annoying thing is, is that a big part of her,

like this game involved, a big part of this game involved my pointer, which I have now lost. Yeah. Check in the bag. Checking the bag. Checking the bag. Oh, I can't be asked me that.

What? What's that thing going off, Paul? Dude, you run the show, I'll check in the bag. No, we're going to move on from the bag. Everyone needs to move on from the bag and the clicker, including me. Can you use that just to do the rest of the clicking? Yes. So the show's still okay?

Yes. It's all right, everybody. Hey. So here's what's going to happen. I'm going to ask you to look for a pin badge on that board. You've got to tell me and point to it as soon as you can. And over... And none of them are behind that shadow.

I will make sure, because I'm going to pick them so that they're not there, so they're not hidden away, all right? So I just need to watch your eyeline. No. Oh, okay. Who wins an LP if... No, if Ria gets... Finds the Badgers quicker than Paul finds the Badgers.

Oh, they're both, they're competing. Which is why I'm getting the timer out. So you're doing on this side of the stage. I don't know where to fucking go! Keep Paul company! Christ! Right, so we're going to do Ria first. You're going to do three badgers. One at a time.

One at a time. So you'll find one step back and then I'll say what the next one to look for. Okay. So I need you to look for Eric Cartman. Go. Who the fuck? Top right. Is this the right?

There. Right there. There. That's Eric. That's not the one they kill, is it? Yeah, that's one. That was six seconds you took there. Oh, sorry.

Right. Next one. I need you to look for Pride Mickey Mouse badge. Go. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. Touch you with your hand. There we go, 11 seconds.

Fuck you, I saw it before that. No, no, no, all together. All together, fine, fine, okay. Next one, okay? I need you to find the ghost on the stairwell photograph black and white haunted picture pin badge. Go. Oh, okay. Three seconds.

All right, just under 13 seconds. That's my ghosty number. I'm sorry. I'll just try to get there. Right, Mr. Portnard. Do you only have one record to give out? No, I've got another three. Okay, great.

Yeah. Don't you worry about what I'm doing. Oh, Paul, I've been worrying about you for years. It's why we're still friends, even though I'm where I'm at, and you're where you're at. Ooh! Ooh! Oh! This has turned into kill Tony all of a sudden.

Luckily, I didn't film that bit. Right, right. Nothing post 1997. Okay, I need you to find the Trappdoor Pim Badge. Go. Look for Burke from Trapport. Okay, got it, five, three, just under three seconds. Next Pim Badge I want you to find is Felix the Cat. Go, where's Felix the Cash?

One of the cultural references. He's a little one, I can tell you that. Maybe he's up with a corner. Yeah, yeah, I'll give you that. Right, cool. And one more pin badge you'll look for. Oh, let's have a look. Okay, okay.

Oh, God. I need you to look for... 007 pin. Where's the 007 pin there? Would the... No, la da... Would... No, la...

...no. ...I don't fucking know, aren't it? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-bub. No, that's Inspector Gadget. Right. Time's over. Is it here? Is it here?

Yeah. Where? For those who care, it was in the bottom left-hand corner just there. 007 or new. That was mean. Really? It looks like Michael Boubley playing a cello. This is not fair.

Let's give one of them to Matt. Give one of them to Matt. Matt wins this one. Great. Oh, we're sorry, but I'll give you a pin badge after the show, all right? You're very lucky because you've got one of the specially illustrated ones, which I remembered to do, and Paul didn't have time for because he was very busy, you know, preparing the show. So whoever else wins one is just get a plain one.

Yeah. Apart from my other one that illustrated. I've done two, and then, yeah. Here, look, it's got trackbot's mouth, mouth hole on it. See? and you know please insert cartridges like that's where the dick goes right next game spin the wheel

let's see what we've got spin spin spin the wheel of yours I'm just fucking ripping everything off it is mind benders now you can both sit down for this because this is so on the podcast and before we got these

kind of riddles and games and things like that. So basically, it's going to be very simple. I'm going to ask you one each, and if you can solve it, you win a point, and if you don't, you won't. So Eli... Are we playing winner, winner goes off? You do it.

You're in charge of this thing. No, I think this person should have another chance to win. Well, then that just means everyone can not have a chance to win, doesn't it? I've only said they're going to get a badge at the end. There's a commiseration point. Okay, sorry. You get a badge. You're not getting a home empty fucking...

Okay, good. I mean... Who else wants a record? Oh, sweet jucker! We'll go for this smart-looking gent here. Very smart. I go pick up that side. And you on the front row. What's your name? Toby and...

Toby and William. Oh, wait. Can he say that again? William? Just say that again. Into the mic. William. Oh, that was so good. All right. Oh, I love that. I'm sorry, do you want to lock that up in your book? William and I will have words. Right. So, you are going to be playing for William then, considering you've just wet them.

I think he's just wet him. I think he's going to be playing for, was it? Wet. What's wet? Wet. What? What got wet? What? Who's wet? Who's wet? Wet will you? I'm going to fucking point you. Wet Willie? I'm going to fucking kill you. Who's on this side going to be up for it? Toby, right? Right, okay. So, Paul, you're playing for Toby. Tony, Toby. Tony, Toby.

Good I. I'm Todie. Fuck off. Hey, Paul, why did you quit stand-up? I don't know. I thought that was fucking great. Right, here we go. It's because you were lame. Mr Portner Here's your first mindbender What five letter word

Does every Oxford graduate pronounce wrong This isn't mindbenders actually You've gone with mind what they called There's a different set Mind trap Mind trap everyone It's a similar game

But actually a different one Mind trap So I'll say it again What five little word Does every Oxford graduate pronounce wrong I'm just going to tell you in advance By the way

All the answers to these We'll fuck you both off they're one of these answers where you go well that's a load of shit isn't it so with that in mind what do you think the answer is what five-letter word does every Oxford graduate pronounce wrong

plebs no help from the audience please ladies and gentlemen boys and girls of all ages cheap letter word five letter word that every Oxford graduate pronounce wrong fair

that's four oh yeah not if it's in See, I didn't go there. Five-letter word. How do they know every Oxford graduate? Paul, can I just say? Some of these, not you, him, thank you.

Word to the Y is these cards are shit. And in a real, fucking just flat out wrong a lot of them. So, say the question one more time. What word does, what five-letter word does every Oxford graduate pronounce wrong? Oh, I get it. I started at Oaks fraud. So I'm going to say Oxford. No. Do you want to have a crack at it?

Yes. What? Wrong. Is correct. The word is wrong. The word they pronounce wrong is the word wrong. Do you see what I mean about these cards? Tiresome, whack. It's wrong. The word they pronounce wrong is the word wrong. No, you've got these out of a cracker.

I would be happier with cracker questions. Anyway, that's zero for Paul and you'd not get an extra point. we are not handing point over. Okay, fine. Right. Here is yours. Seathing. Right. Here's a nice, fun one for you to do.

Oh, God. Mrs. Shady is lying dead on a bed, and on the floor beside is a pair of scissors. The scissors were instrumental in her death, yet there is no trace of blood. Mrs. Shady's body reveals no signs of any cuts or bruises. How could she have been murdered with a pair of scissors? How? How?

Is that the real Mrs. Shady? No, I think it's the... Yeah, you got it, you got it, yeah. Go on. So, Mrs. Shady found dead in bed on the floor beside as a pair of scissors. Shady, spell S-H-A-D-Y. Don't worry about the spelling of Shady.

It's not important to the solving of this clue. It was more your northern accent. I wasn't quite. Blame my northern accent. There's some harrumphing going on in the crowd, Paul. What? There's a bunch of harrumphing going on. I don't give a fuck what the crowd does.

They could all. stop jacking jill in each other as far as I'm concerned. Okay. Go on. Can we interview it one more time? Yes, please. Mrs. Shady is lying in bed, dead, and on the floor beside is a pair of scissors. The scissors are instrumental in her death, but yet there are no traces of blood or bruising. How could she have been murdered with the pair of scissors? Again, think about what answer would fuck you off the most and then say it out loud.

Cool. So she's in bed, not on the bed. Are you reading this verbatim? Yes, I'm reading it verbatim. Okay. She's in bed, dead. On the bed or in the bed? It doesn't really fucking matter, does it? I don't know. If she was on the bed, she could have sunk

from the top of the sea to the sea bed and the scissors hit her on the head on the way down. It's on the bed or in the bed, in the bed. No bruises. No bruises. No bruises. No bruises or cuts. She's on the bed, dead.

It's true, but if it killed her instantly, she wouldn't have had time to bruise because her heart wouldn't have pumped any blood to the fucking bruise, all right? Like, you know. Quincy over here. Facts matter. No, Masters in Forensics, mate. Okay.

Yeah. I don't know why I thought that was a good comeback. I think you have a Masters in Forensics. I think that says more about my ignorance. What is Mrs. Shady? That's the question. She may or may not be humans. Read it one more time.

Mrs. Shady's lying in bed dead on the floor beside her as a pair of scissors. The scissors were instrumental to her death, but yet there are no cuts or bruises upon her body. How could she have been murdered with a person? pair of scissors, if that is the case. Can I say, can I... No, shut your fucking map. Final answer. Yeah.

She's been strapped tied to the bed and by the scissors not being used to cut her free. She actually starved to death. That is a better answer than this. I know what it is. I know what it is. She's on life support

and she chooses to snip the wire. What? Does that not work? No. But then that would have killed her. Yeah, she's dead. She's dead. I regret this round.

Okay. I regret this round. Mrs. Shady slept on a water bed. The assailant used the scissors to cut the bed open and drown her. Booh. Wait a minute. But when you leak a water bed, it leaks on the floor. It doesn't consume the person that's in it.

The answer said she drowned in the hot water bed. I don't know why I said not water. Oh, was it hot? Oh, that makes a difference. How are we going to give the rest of one more question each? None of the facts of that means it. Okay. Mr. Putner, we got one for you.

How are you feeling, love? You're right. Well, I just realised Oxford has got more letters. So, not only did I not get the answer for this juvenile question. I made a bit of a see you next Tuesday, I must have. Anyway, go on. What's just had a... All right, well, what are you going to do with the prize money

if you win the show tonight? I don't buy some tungsten dance. Oh, lovely. And a golden joke holder. Oh, I like that. Yeah, a man who knows how to live a life of luxury, that one. Right, here's your puzzle. Right.

Sam, Slug and Sid Shady each ordered a double scotch. Shady? Can we move on from surnames, Mr. Seder? Why are they all called Shady in this? I don't know. It's not the important part of the game, mate. Right, go on, go. Sam Slug and Sid Shady each ordered a double scotch.

Slug bet Shady one pound that he could put a bowl over Shady's scotch and then drink it without touching directly or indirectly the bowl, the scotch glass or the bar. And Slug added, I will not have anyone or anything assist me. Is this a good bet for Shady to take and why? so he's saying to rum it all up he's going to be able to drink that drink put a bowl over it and he won't touch the bowl

of the desk and he won't have any assistance but will still be able to drink the drink the drink and the bet is they ordered a double scotch and they bet one dollar one pound each I don't know what I'm reading anymore just word soup

basically should he take the bet or not well your instincts say yes because it's going to be oh they drank his own scotch in a different time period and all right

I'm going to say yes are you sure confident are you sure say no are you sure might not say no

no I'm not you're correct it's no you're right oh right oh there you go someone's got to win a point oh god right it says here no Shady should not take the best A slug would pick up the bowl, drink the double scotch

and pay you the £1 bet for the drink which at least cost twice as much the first time round from the bar order. Oh my, fuck it, well. Boo! These cards suck ass. Right, last one. He won the bag.

Last one for rear. While reading an article on Slotterhouses, Miss Shady fell asleep. Trust me, I'm reading this one not because I think you'll get it just because I can't fucking believe this is a question. Right, ready?

Yeah. While Sweden and article slaughterhouses, Mrs. Shady fell asleep and dreamt she was a chicken on a large farm. She dreamt that a form a quarter and put her neck on the chopping block.

Just as his axe was descending on Mrs. Shade, just as his axe was descending, Mr. Shady walked into the room and touched her on the back of the neck to awaken her. The shock was so great She died. Wait, is there anything wrong with this story?

Apart from the conceit. She's having a dream about... Is that what he said? From the top. Eli, can you read? Mrs Shady? I'll read it. Yeah, please. Thank you. All right. How rude. While reading an article on slaughterhouses.

Mrs. Shady fell asleep and dreamt. She was a chicken. on a large farm That helps She dreamt that a farmer You do the farmer Just go Arr

I'm getting pirate there Who are my lover I know that's pirate as well Say ohar Come by, come by Thank you That's better She dreamt that a farmer caught her

And put her neck on the chopping block Just as his axe Was descending in the dream Mr. Shady walked into the room and touched the back of her neck to awaken her. The shock was so great, she died instantly. Is there anything wrong with this story? Apart from the blatantly obvious.

Everything. Yes. But why is it... Why is this story can't be true? Because she's already dead from the scissors in the water bed. That's not the answer we're looking for. It's close, but it's not quite right.

No. Anyone? Anyone have... We can't... We don't have accent. What was that? Exactly. Well done.

You get a free badge. Everyone keep count of the badges he said of free because he's trying to make money off him. Two! And then whoever doesn't win him. Not one badge here, one badge there. One badge there. One badge there. Because Paul Putner got a point, that means you get the album.

So he can hand that album and then you will get a badge if you want one at the end of the show. Right. Right, one last one I think now. How many albums have we got left? How many given it away, two? This just actually had a different record, in it? Don't call me a Womble.

Produced by Mike Bat. Mike, don't associate me with the Wombles Bat, who does everything yearly to associate yourself with the Wombles. It's just crazy. Right, okay, cool, we're going to spin the wheel one more time. Well, fuck it, one more time. Let's do it quickly.

That one. Wethead. Hey. Right, Eli, you're going to sit there. I have a hat here, and it's going to go on his head. Those fucking things would do, my head. Right, I'm just going to stick these in very quickly. Here we go.

Yeah, because I tested it last night with urine. I can see why this had to be done live and not pre-prepped before the show. I like the fact that they're all electrics around us as well. Don't move your head. Just a little bit, because as I say, we have got one of this stuff. I just need a little bit. Right.

Oh, it's tripping down the back. It's tripping on me. It's all coming out already. Right. Who wants to win a cop of the album? Put your hands up. You, you're good. What's your name, sir?

Rob. Oh, with this side. Oh, yeah, you. Here, go on. Brianie. Right, you're playing for this. So here's what's going to happen. Right?

You're going to pull these sticks out of his end until it wets him. And whoever pulls the stick out loses. So the winner. So you're going to be playing with Rob. And Paul's representing Brianne. Thank you. So I'm going to give it one more spin. Right, pick anyone you want out.

Just pull it. See what happens. Ooh. No, you'll know when it comes out. Don't worry. Right, Mr Putner. Oh, I like that. Just give it a good hard tug.

Yeah, you can pull it, pull it hard. There you go. Oh, okay. Rear, you'll go. Still all right, Mr. Portner, your go. Who will lose? Who will win? I should have put vinegar in.

Oh, yeah. All right, Ria. So remember whoever pulls it out and gets in wet losers? Oh, so that's three left. Oh, Mr. Putner. Oh, Mr. Putner. It's like a park, isn't it? A puck.

Oh. Oh. Shut up. 50-50, Ria. Which one's it going to be? Oh! Wait, it didn't work. Everyone's a winner!

Was that designed by the same company who does mind benders? Wait, I thought something. There was water in here and it's gone and you're not wet. you're not wet. What the fuck's happening? What happened then? Did you absorb it through your scalp? Don't you fucking dare.

They've already made a mess. Don't you fucking dare. Don't you fucking dare. These people have to clean up. Don't you fucking do. Do not. Yeah, no, you fucking won't do that. We'll do it outside where someone else can clean it up

and not are lovely people who work here. I swear to God, that's going to go off on your face and kill you. It'll be like Tommy Cooper all over again. Right, right, you know what we're going to do? Because it was no score draw. They can both have a copy of the album. The album's all fucking done. Right.

In that case, in that case, we're going to end for one more game just for a laugh, right? So, give me a cheer if you'd like them to pay. play just a minute. Give us a cheer if you would like them to play whackamol. We're doing whackamol, which is good. All right, here we go.

I fucking wish I hadn't put those buttons in, ma'am. How are you liking it so far? Well, I'm waiting for my cup of tea, to be honest. Sorry, but... Do you not make him a cup of tea? No. Do you want to...

It's just... Yeah, but I did enjoy playing dryhead. Thanks. Stay to this place. It looks like toy and hobby exploded. No one knows what toy and hobby is. I've just referenced an old toy shop from the north. It's like a Toys R Us exploded.

Right, we have got... What you're doing over there? Stop making tea. Where's Ria gone? What's going on? Right, we're going to play this last game just for laugh. Right. We're handing to just going to have a stroke, mate.

Honestly, I'm going to have a moment here. You keep threatening that. Rea, here's a hammer. Here are five heads. You have 30 seconds to bash him. We'll count up the points at the end. And then we'll see who did best and then something or other.

I just want to end this now. Ready? You're on your marks. Get set. 30 seconds. Go on. Go on. They will pop up again eventually.

Go on. Pop, pop, pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Eli, you're going to read the scores out at the end. How do I do the score? Count them up at the end. Snap. Five more seconds.

Five, five, four, three, two, one. Stop, Eli, cast them up. Three down. Right, count them up. Count them up. That's 19 seconds. What numbers? Oh, they're on this, ah.

Yeah, those numbers are the ones you played before. Seven, eight, nine. Yeah. 14 23 23 all points together Eli can you reset the little things to that right there we go

how do you reset I'm going to be honest I would happily take this game as a gift because I could use this at home yeah right same rules apply and I just sit on it you could but when they pop up

you have to keep going up and down up and down up and down there yeah right I'll be a I'll guard you Starting in five, four, three, two, one. Go, and he's off bashing, bashing, bashing, bashing, bashing, bashing, bashing. I'm bashing away like a dreamy boy on a bike made of tofu and chicken. Oh, he's doing good. He's doing good here. Ten more seconds. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Bash that. Bash that knob. Bash the thing. Stop. Stop there. Stop there. Stop there. Count the points up. We've got one there. Zero. That means it went round the horn.

It means it was 10. 10. 11. 16. Shut up. Build it up. 22. 15.

27. Yay. Now, Ria, we were going to do an elaborate thing where we get you off stage because you need to catch a train. I do. I'm sorry. Just fuck off. No.

I want to tell them why I'm fucking off. What? Can't I tell them why I'm fine? Yeah, you can go. I'm on tour. Please come see me on tour. I'm on tour between now and like the rest of my life. So please come.

I'm in Guilford tonight. I have to go now for teching. You can come after. And then, yeah, just check out my website. Oh, it sounds good. On dates available on your website, realina.com. Ria, could have my scarf back? Yeah.

It's a very nice scarf, though. Thank you so much. Thanks very much. I mean, on the balance of things, you can have that video game, my love. Thank you. You're welcome. If you can find an HMV that I can buy it at. Thank you.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Are we done? All right. Say goodbye. Say thank you to Paul Fulner.

We don't need five minutes. We've got five minutes. You want to do anything fun? Do you want to have a laugh? What do you want me to do? Do you want to do? There's nothing to do. except say goodbye, start drinking.

Start drinking. I've had a long week, I want to start drinking. Thanks for coming everybody. Wait, no, okay, let's do this again. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's do this properly. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Sheep Show 2025 Live the Cheerfully for Podcast Festival.

And I've got to say this because it was, it was a good line there, so I'm going to use it. We may be cheap, but this festival is cheerful. Yes, did it? It's a bit shit when I said it then, though, so sorry. Yes, it was. Anyway.

If you got a free badge, remember, hit us up for the badge afterwards. Yes, do that. And we are, I'll tell you what, let's do the admon out the way. First of all, please thank Mr. Paul Burkner of taking a Saturday afternoon off to join us here today. Yeah!

Thank you. A beautiful man who should be at home watching Colombo on Channel 5 and drinking a nice cup of tea. Oh, he's off. Thanks, Bill. So, look, it has been 10 years of Cheap Show. Every year we do a live show, I go through massive amount of panic and anxiety because I think,

Oh, do people still want to see us live anymore? And what are we doing? And are we still successful? Fucking out. That's still a debate we have to have. But can I just thank every single fucking one of you to coming out and see us live here today and supporting us because, as I say,

10 years of doing this podcast has been an adventure. I want to do a few thank yous. Where's a ven? Where's a van? Yeah. Hey! And then, last night, I read the new Cheap Show magazine. It is by far one of your most amazing issues yet.

The effort and the love and the writing and the layout. It's a fantastic thing and you've been doing it for years. So I wanted to say in stage in front of all these people, thank you for doing that. Thanks, event. And yeah, just to do a little bit of grubby admin, we are going to be selling the remaining copies of the album outside. We've got new Cheap Show pin badges, Spirit Squad pin badges. issues of the magazine. If you haven't got cash, I think my phone now can take contactless payments. Should that be a thing you want to do? So we're going to sort that out later.

But we need to clean all this shit up first and then get out and then we'll see you then. But that's it. So thank you to the cheerful, fearful, powerful, podcast festival for having us. Thank you to Rita and Paul for being guests on the day show. Thank you all for coming out. And there's anything you want to say you like, because I talk too much. I want to say thank you, Paul, for making this stream a reality for 10 years. Love you, man. It's only taken 10 years, but we can now finally say we are much-loved cult award-winning podcast,

and we couldn't have done it without you. So once more, and to end the show, thank you and good night. Take care, love you, load. Goodbye, good night. Also, staff, I'm sorry for the mess everywhere. I'm sorry. Bye.