CheapShow - Ep 461: 50 Words

Episode Date: November 7, 2025

Now that some BIG episodes of the podcast are behind them, Paul and Eli can now get back to “normal” and get stuck into some delicious “Cheap Eats” and maybe savour a musical oddity or two! They were both gifted with a few wonderful things after the live show, so let’s dive into a box of crazy candy and taste its delights. There are fizzy chocolate bars to nibble, cheesy nuts to munch and odd sour liquids to guzzle down, but will any of it be any good? When it comes to “Silverman’s Platter”, Eli’s brought along a few tracks will hopefully delight, but also completely confound. There are songs from 80s light entertainers, faux vaudeville bands and an odd medical 7” vinyl that, frankly, will get you scratching your head in confusion. So, it seems like just another regular episode of CheapShow doesn’t it? Well, a small row at the top of the show will make the rest of it incredibly one-sided… See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-461-50-words www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, The Economy Comedy Podcasts, where Paul Gannon, me, Eli Silverman, him, go for the Bargabins, charity shops and Poundlands of Great Britain. This week on the show, we've got some platters and some tasty treats to find. Come and join us, it's Cheap Show. Well, that's that done. Fucking hell, mate. Just get it done.

The joy is gone. No, it's not. I'm doing it efficiently. No. And professionally, like modern podcasts do. So that's what we need. No, we're not a modern podcast. We are.

We're the modern podcast. I'm the very model of a modern podcast general. I make my stupid podcast every week, Because that's a general. This isn't, no, this really hasn't worked. It has worked because I did it professional. You didn't interrupt me at the end of the once again. It was just loud, clattering mouth noises.

Do it with some class. Can you do it with some fucking class? Hello, welcome to cheap. No, why did you have to do it so fast? You don't have to say that so fast. I do, because I'm bored of saying it. Well, don't say it. Let me say it for once.

No, because I can't have you say it with your stupid mouth, barbelly. I can speak better than you, Paul. Yes, I can't. You can't. I'm a trained actor. I can speak better than you. A trained actor. Hello, everyone.

and welcome to Cheap Show, the Economy Comedy Podcast, with myself, Eli Silverman, and Paul Gannon, he's over there. And are coming up on today's show. Coming up on. One hesitation. Yeah, well, that's what you'd bring me up on. So how do you'd like that? No, I wouldn't.

You fucking don't. You don't hesitate enough. I do. Look, are you going to just say the opposite of everything I say now? Yes. You are, right. I am. No, you just agreed, though.

I did. You just agreed with me. Yes, you did. On that statement, because that's the only way I can apply the truth to it. Well, let's step outside of this. I'm not stepping outside with you. I don't trust you no more. look you don't it was just too fast it was not a good reading

I'll tell you I'll give you a radio reading all right to slow down a little bit slow down a little bit shut up hello welcome to cheap show my name is Paul Gannon that's Eli Sylveman and this is the economy comedy podcast where every week we go for the bargainings charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain and bring you the treasure we find amongst that trash

and guess what we've got some weird vinyl discoveries to give you and we've all Give you Shut off Give you Give you Give you Give

Stop it Stop it Every week I can't do it I can't do this show anymore Mate we haven't sat down Look You're going to be a bit rusty

Just accept you're going to be a bit rusty We've had a lot We haven't done a normal episode You are doing one I'm not doing one with you I'm here now You're doing it with me And you're going to do it

We come together Right near the end could have let that slip. And you went, you could have let that slip because it was nowhere near the pan. And I don't let nothing slip. Yeah,

well, if anything you've let slip. It's a big poo into my pants because I shit myself. And, you know what? Do you want to hear that? Right. What else you want me to do

to debase myself for you? Interesting, isn't it? Half an hour ago, you were saying, why are we so low brow? Why can't we try a high brow episode? And who decides to throw the shit my pants gambit into the mix?

You, you're about to. I preempted it. I preemptively shat my pants metaphorically. Well, there you go. came out. This shit is now becoming a podcast.

It's good, isn't it? No, I hate... You hate yourself and me. You hate us both. I'm getting to the point where I resent this. I don't know what else to do myself, but I've got to do this. I had a little thought. Can I go to the credits instead?

Is this a thought we have to have now? No. Or can I put music in? By all means, put it after the credits. Well, what do they fucking do? It's cheap show. You put me in a bad mood. You've put me in a bad mood because you interrupted me.

You always start on the wrong foot and your whole... Now the whole thing's going to be like this. Angry shit, Paul. And that's your fault. And then you can read about it on Reddit about where I're always angry. I don't read Reddit. You're a Reddit reader. You're a Reddit reader's son.

When you read a Reddit reader's son, I'm not the Reddit reader reader's son. I won't stop reading Reddit till the Reddit reading's done. Nicely done. Now we'll put the music in. Press the fucking credit. Hop, run, round, off, up, off, run, round on. Paul, Paul Gannon, Eli Silverman. Welcome to the Chief Show.

Storces and words and phrases. Two things I'm responsible for. Chodney Borough. I hate you. I got to be a hobby. Cheap Show to the money. Welcome to Cheap Show. Did you enjoy the credits, everybody?

I was lovely, wasn't it? I used the long one this week, I decided. Did you? Yeah. Sometimes I put the 15 second one. in and sometimes I put the full whack one in. How long's the full whack one? About a minute. Hello everybody. My thought was, right, now that McDonald's

have had this world heist menu, yeah? Oh, yeah. What do you think they're going to do? Because I don't think it's hit as hard as they wanted it to. Change the locations of the food. No, they'll do that next year. I'm looking forward to that. Yeah, that's what I'm saying they'll do. As an idea, think about it, McDonald's UK have done something similar

in previous years where they said, oh, the Italian, which you loved, the Italian burger. Do you remember around the world? and they had a Caribbean one and like an Italian one, you know, and they'd cycle through them. Flavors of the globe or whatever. That's just an update of that, really. But I think they're never going back to the McTastey.

It's noisy so much. They're never going back to the McTasty, are they? Big Tasty, sorry, not the muktasty, the big mectate. You know, I had the bloody Wendy's grilled cheese one. Do you know what they're doing there to save money? They're both heels on the. buns, aren't they? They're both, if you think about it, they're just using two heels. They must have had, like, some kind of accident where they lost all the crowns of a bunch

of buns. We've got, we've got too many heels. What we're going to do, invent some kind of thing with cheese sauce where we can use two heels. It was all right. Dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty. It's all right. I'll give it six and a half. A noodle news, everybody. I add one today. Very nice. I did two. I mixed two. It was a lucky me. Chili Mancy, great noodle. They're quite small. You need two packs, two decks. Chili Mancy noodle.

And then I also top that up with a whole pepper chicken, Indomie pepper chicken. But you can't eat Indyne anymore. I don't know where that's gone because of the cancer causing. I haven't seen an update. But I haven't had an end to me. I mean, one can't give you cancer, surely. Paul, come in now with the rest of the show, please.

He really, he looks really sad, everybody. No, he's doing, he's walking out. Don't walk out, mate. where are you going what's he doing he's looking for something he's got his Stanley knife out don't do don't even joke about that Paul don't do that sit down don't come towards me with that that Stanley knife please Paul can you sit down I'm gonna leave I'll leave this is not this isn't good Paul this isn't good come on we need to talk about records and stuff we're gonna have something nice to

eat those what's its nuts he's asked me to stop touching the mic stand everybody i'm now having fun and you're just you're just being strange please stop that don't he's making stabbing gestures with his stanley knife stop implying violence just because i have an interesting inner life you know that's what people enjoy your inner life my inner life commingling very much like two spunk streams in my dreams in my inappropriate dreams two spunk's dreams i'm up on your nose. Going up the nose. Going up the nose. I've got double spunk streams. Going up the nose. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, everybody. I am Eli Silverman. I've been going on a bit, but, you know, sorry about that. I'm not sorry. See you in a bit. You know, I'm going to hit him when

he says, see you in a bit. He does it when he leaves me voice messages. He says, see you in a bit. So it's not only on the show, it's in real life. You have a problem with saying see you in a bit too much. Would you admit that? He's just staring into the space again, everyone. Look, I don't want to solo this. I'm sorry I had some of my criticisms of your technique. Okay? I'm sorry. Paul, I'm sorry.

Oh, he's giving me the silent treatment. Look, his mouth is... I'll describe his face. He looks really disgruntled all. He's sick of this. That's what it is. He's probably going to cut this whole bit. I mean, we have to make the rest of the show, though, Paul. Anyhow. On the drinks front. I did

spot a spiced apple cola product. I've got nothing now. I mean, I've done some things. I could do some other stuff, I suppose. Oh, he's handed me it. It's got a box from Leighton, who is interested in me going on about McDonald's.

It looks like I'm carrying the show this week, guys, so hi. At last, it's happened. He's stopped talking. He's not talking anything. Now, we've been sent this box. Was this box given to us at the live show, Paul? He's not even going to respond to that because he's such a little bab. Little babby. Come on. Come on, baby, Paul. Come back to the party.

Anyway, what we got in here? We've got. This was given to us at the live show, I'm going to assume, from Leighton. Thanks, Leighton. Jaffa cakes, hot honey. We tried those. I may have been on a Patreon thing. I'm not sure. I liked him. Paul did not like them. He doesn't like the bee spit taste of honey. Hot honey everywhere. Hot honey. is this year's fucking salted caramel, isn't it? You know what I mean? And it was hummus. Like in 84, everything was hummus.

Or flavoured hummus. Do you remember pesto-flavored hummus? What an abomination, yeah? You used to have, I don't think hummases should come in different flavors, personally. It's like having a pork pie, like a marmite-flavored pork pie. Gross. I had a pork pie once, one of the worst things I ever ate, right? It was pork pie.

They put the pickle in the pie. Like Branson pickle in the pork pie. Can you imagine, if you're not expecting these little nod from... Paul there. A little nod. He likes where I'm going with this. He's internalised everyone. Paul's gone internal. Please come back to this episode, Paul. We've got

to do a normal bit with the records coming up. Please. Are you going to taste some of this? You have to taste some of this. All right, but we won't be tasting those. Those are the Jaffa Cakes hot honey flavour. We do have some interesting items apart from that in here. Now, in weird, synchronous event, these wopsits

that's nuts really cheesy what's it branded I brought a packet of these if anyone remembers the live show or saw the live show it was last week's episode thanks for coming it was great and also thanks for listening if you have we did like a truncated version

of all of the segments or a bunch of I'd say archetypal iconic segments in the show one was obviously cheap eats and I brought what's it that's nuts but I just threw them we didn't have time Paul stopped me from actually eating them we didn't have time

We only had 20 seconds for each segment. So we got the What's It's That's Nuts really cheesy. Now, That's Nuts seems to be the brand. But these are one of these very postmodern brands in that the brands that's nuts. They're coated peanuts, essentially, like Nobby's Nuts. Nobys Nuts originally promoted by Nobby himself. Nobby, what, out of Slade? What was he called?

Nobby Kearns. He's not called Nobby Kearns, is he? Come on, Paul. What's he called? Paul, please can you talk? I want you to talk. It's good when you talk. Do a little scene or something, you know?

Do a little voice or something. Paul, why are you being like this? He's going, continue. He's relaxing. He actually doesn't want it. He's tired. He grows tired. Anyway, this brand, that's nuts.

What is he? He's got the counter out. What's he going to do? After this sentence, here's my gambit. I'm only going to say 50 words between now and the end of this podcast

and I am the user wisely. Well, you should let me count your words. No, I'll do it. Don't you worry? No, you won't count them all. Anyway, it starts. That's what I mean, you've had about, you've had about half of them already.

Anyway, it starts now. So, this brand, that's nuts. They have, they used like they had Doritos, chili heat. They had, everyone's really interested in your 50 words, by the way, Paul. Everyone's hanging off them. Fuck off.

He's got the clicker out, everyone. Two down. You're going to run out of words, my friend. He doesn't care. So he makes the rule for himself, everyone. This is how he operates. He makes the rule and then cheats his ass off. People don't like your cheating.

Anyway, he's giving me the evils here. He's looking at his little clicker anyway. So basically, they get lots of different brands, these That's Nuts. Maybe they're made by KP, but here, what's this at the back? Have you got your... Thank you. Oh, he's handed me these lit... Thank you, Paul.

He's handed me the illuminated... Yes, so we got... These are other flavours available. We've got, Jesus, it's so small. Walkers, salt and vinegar, salt and vinegar coated nuts. Very nice. Smoky bacon flavoured nuts. Now, I'm fine with that as a flavour.

I found that that's the most repeating chemical of all the flavours in terms of it repeats on me again and again and again for at least 12 hours. Like a cesium clock, the regularity. Like a fact, it becomes such a thing, the repetitiveness, the baking flavour coming back up. It becomes like the central fact of my whole. whole existence, that that will happen, and I'll experience that flavor as it returns up my gullet, you know? Again, bacon streaky flavor. Again, bacon streaky flavor. Again, bacon streaky flavor. Again, bacon streaky flavor. I'm loving this now, because I get to repeat. Oh, the light's gone.

Anyway, smoky bacon, that's another one. Doritos, I told you, it must be like Fritole owns this nut brand, I reckon. Oh, it's Pepsi, isn't it? It's Pepsi Frito. Flaming Hot, that's another one. what we got here. Doritos cheese and paprika. So all crisp flavors and these are Wattsits. Now I did bring those and someone in the audience at the live show had started on these but when we were clearing up after getting out of the way for the next podcast to come in I saw these had been half eaten and left on the seat so I took them and I had them back at home and they are it works. It tastes like exactly what it is. Now Paul you ready to have a little taste of these? Yes.

Have you got a Stanley knife? Thanks. Just getting a good jostlate and I'm going to ask Paul to have a snuff on this, please, Paul. You didn't, was that counted as a word, did it? The sniffing. Yes. That's another one. He's going to run out now.

He's going to go on some kind of unhinged. He's on six words, five words. This is going to be this forever now. We've turned into the Marx brothers. You're like the harpo of cheap show. Now, these are good I just think the cheese The what's it flavour works

I'm going to have a couple I love a coated peanut For me that is mouth crack That cheesy, the way that cheesy smell The cheese flavour gets in I just think that works What do you think, Paul? Doesn't work for me taste stale

They don't taste stale They don't, you're wrong You've got this weird thing about peanuts Peanut products I notice you find taste stale Anyway moving on I disagree Let's now we've got a novelty This is a great thing

thing. Thank you, Leighton. I love this. I'm going to keep this anyway. This is Sour-A-Ratcha super-sour. This is confectionery-sour liquid, but it's in a replica Sri Ratcha bottle. Shri-Achra, of course, everyone who listens to this. He's looking at me because you know, I'm just doing it now, the things that will make you waste words, because you're going to have to shut me up saying about Shurachah sauce to everyone again for the 80th time. No, he's not going to stop me. Anyway, Shurachra is a town in Thailand. So you get Chiracha sauce from there, but

the Chiracha source with the green lid that everyone knows was this guy who was a Vietnamese immigrant to California, I believe. And there's all been stories all, because it's been the big source success story of recent years, along with Bulldack. And it actually has that kind of a working,

this bottle has a working source dispenser lid, which you twist one way to open it, which works there. And I'm hoping we'll gloop out. Now, this is going to be a bit messy, Paul, so I need some... Do you want to gloop some straight into your mouth? Yeah.

Most of your words is going to be yes and no. Yeah? He's putting some on his finger. Is it coming out? Maybe it needs to be opened, unscrew it. There might be a film, because there isn't real source. Yes, there is. There's a foil top, which needs to be removed,

before the source can be dispensed. But this isn't source. Like I say, this is sow orchard. So we're looking for a... What's the smell? Like, he doesn't like the smell, everybody. His face is creasing. His face creased up in this smell.

And now it does come out nice. Comes out nice, he's put it in his mouth. I'm going to do a similar thing. Sour cherry, nice. Oh, oh, it's very sour, isn't it? Not too sweet. That is quite nice. Mm, on some ice cream.

Huh? That'd be nice. I just like the design. I like characha-shaped things, key rings. So moving on from that, I'm trying to save the most interesting item for me till the most unusual thing until last. We've got some dairy milk,

marvellous creations, cola fizz. Cola-flavored chocolate from dairy milk. You don't see that a lot, like cola bottles, but I do like, what was that product? It was a Cadbury's product and it had like all different sweets in it? Do you remember that? And one, it had like, um, jelly sweets in it and it had like all different things, like in a mix. You remember we had that once? Anyway, this will have a cola fizz.

So this will probably have a sour element as well. It's segmented. See, this is what they do with chocolate now as well. These segments are not regular. These segments are all like crazy paving. How are you meant to be fair? They do it with Ulca as well. I don't know if you noticed.

You can't get like a symmetric block of chocolate anymore. You can't break it off, you know? These are all well like, this looks like a totem pole. I guess there they are. The top ones are a totally different shape from the middle pieces. What's going on? Turd. It looks like a turd, everyone.

Here, I'm handing you, if you don't mind. They're my own fingers. This is the cola fizz. He's made a face, everyone. It's got a bit of a piney, um, washing. up liquid sort of taste, right? Stupid. The citrus notes, the lemony sort of cleaner notes,

like floor cleaner notes of the cola come through. What it is is chocolate and it's got bits of almost like popping candy, crunchy bits. He's just taken the... He's sucked the chocolate off a big crunchy bit. It's like a boiled sweet, like a cola boiled sweet in there. Gummy. Oh, you got gummy?

I got crunchy. Are you not feeling the popping candy? That's why they're different shapes, bro. They're alternating. Oh, mate. I'm going to have to have this one. You have to have this one. Mm, got it coming.

Have another piece with a popping cany in. No, he's refusing. Gross. I like it. Mm. Thank you, Leighton. It's an insert from Leighton. What's it nuts?

It's just saying what's in there. Oh, what they cost? It's meant to be a price of shite as well. Yeah, he says, love the design of the sour outshed, thought of Eli. Thanks, Leighton, yeah. Anyway, a couple of items to go in this box. Well, how are we going to review the records if you only have 40 words left? You can't do them.

He's got fucking, you've got 30 words left, less than, 29 words left. But you can't do it, man. Why are you being so like this? I'm trying, I'm working. It's too hot in here. Have fun. Why you've been such a bastard? Here, this is like gobstopper, so you're fine with you

because you're not talking anyway. These are finy watermelon balls. I've tossed one over to him. There's one for each of us, thank you. And these are melon ball soures, 10 p.h each. I lose gum. I quite like that taste. It's that kind of...

He's making faces, everyone. It's gone straight down the gullet. Now, the piestaresistance, as far as I'm concerned, any thoughts on the melon ball? Nah, it's not worth wasting words on, is it? Right, the piesta resistance, and what I've been looking forward to, this whole segment, Paul, is this,

which I haven't seen in the shops. Raspberry smash flavor, Mars bar. Mars, even Mars, isn't safe from the incessant remixing of our confectionary culture that we're all exist in this weird world this like fucking, I bet you could find fucking over 20 different versions of Snickers bars.

Just in this local area, Paul's leaving. No, he took the gum out. He stuck it on the, there's still chocolate left there. I like those. Those, uh, the cola fizz alternated between pieces of cola popping candy and then actual cola gummies.

And I thought that was good the way they did that. But we're moving on now. Just the point was I'm making is that we live in a world where confectionery just can't be what it used to be, one flavour, like, you know, you knew where you were with Snickers. It was a peanut-based, you know, bar. It was basically a Mars with peanuts in. That's no longer the case.

You couldn't say that. Now Mars are getting into the game. And with this, Raspberry Smash flavour, it's not even a special edition. This is like an actual flavour of Mars bar out there in the world. So I'm going to get this open. Oh, there's been some leakage of the Nougar into the packaging. It's all sticky. Oh, but most of it's...

Now, I love Raspberry flavor. I think it's my favourite flavour of berry. And it is my second favourite fruit of all time. After, want to guess what my favourite fruit is? Mango is my top fruit. So we're going to do top three E-life fruits. In case anyone's wondering, mango, then raspberry. Third place is hard.

I think I'd have to go for apples. Good apple. Like a nice Granny Smith with a nice amount of sweetness, you know? Granny Smith can be terrible. All right, I'm trying this Raspberry Smash mask. Always got a fondant in it, basically. I'm handing the bar over to Paul, everyone. no he's not he's not even gonna taste this no why taste it no why are you being like this this isn't

it's not healthy paul this isn't healthy man no it's not taste this mars raspberry smash man taste it you're not gonna get through the rest of the episode of only 50 words 24 words whatever the fuck it is most of them been no and yes as well it was a stupid idea admit it i i'll apologize for whatever i've done that's wrong being interested in star That's cheap. That was always what the fucking show was meant to be about, wasn't it? I have an actual interest in stuff that's cheap. Like fast food, you know?

But no, it's not good enough. Prams, I mean toys. Prams, toys out of. Right. Eat this. Eat it. Eat this. Eat some of this.

Taste this. Smell this. At least smell it. At least smell it. Eat this. Smell it. He doesn't like it. He doesn't like anything.

Oh, that wasn't a word. That doesn't count. a word. You've been too harsh on yourself, bro. 22 words to go, everybody. He's got 22 words to go. He's got 20 words to go. And you know he's going to flow when he comes to the show and he's got 22 words to go. Right. Paul's just told me that he's actually going to stick to the words thing whilst it was off everybody. So, Silverman's platter. Hello, welcome to Silverman's platters. This is the part of the show where we talk about mainly novelty records but records and then we you'll talk about see yule is in fact two words

isn't it so you need to click it again please you will are you allowed that are you well then you could just say all of it it's one word you're right you can't stop shrugging this is not working you're gonna get fruit that you've got stuff to you have to help me my research assistant on this segment pool why what have I done what have I done to deserve this? What have we done to deserve this? It's not just me you're hurting. You know that. People tune in for your voice as well, Paul. I'm sorry I said you're unprofessional at the top that it was rushed. It was rushed and boring the performance at the top of the show. But that doesn't mean people can't improve, you know? People can't take a breath, improve.

Put down petty squabbles for the good of the show, Paul. Put them, put them, he's looking up something. Oh, he's typing on his fucking phone to communicate with me now. He wants me to go New Vaudeville band first, yeah? Anyway, first, we've got because he's not going to stop me from doing any of this. We have a word from our sponsor, Clyde McFatter,

from Beyond the Grave. He's coming through now. I'm getting something, Paul. I'm getting something. He's coming through the patron saint of Silverman's platers. It's Clyde McFatter. I can speak as often as a like

because I'm a character. Hello, Clyde. I'm not Paul Gannon. Hello, Clyde. Hello, Eli. How are things? How's the eyes? Afterlife.

Yeah, you know, I've be off days. Right. And, you know, are you writing songs up there? Nah, I've chacked that in. What do you do to, like, pass infinity up in heaven? You know, mostly just play Balatro. Weird. You do it.

They've got Balatro. What do you mean I do it? You're watching me? Yeah. You haven't got better things to do in heaven? I can be anywhere at once, any time I want. You're like, God, are you then? Yeah.

You become God when you go to heaven? You know, no, I fill in for God when he's busy. Well, do you know what, Clyde? I. I really would like you to hang out. around a bit. No. And help me review

these records, please. That's all right, because I'm only here to do the intro, remember, then I'm contractually obliged. We'll pay you more. I'm sure Paul will agree to pay you more.

Nah, he won't. We'll pay you more. Nah. Heaven coin or whatever. Yeah, don't worry about it. You crack on anyway. I'm here to just open up the festivities and say,

I, Clyde McFatter, I'm now letting the platter segment of the show go. So that's it for me. That's it, everyone. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Thanks, Clyde.

Anyway, we'll be talking about three records today. and as is our want, our whim, our wharf and our we will be saying whether for us these records are a platter, meaning we like it, it's worthy of being a record, or a splatter. It's worthy of being chopped up very finely and added to someone's food who has diarrhea and then splattered up against a carsey wall in a dirty prison cell. That's worthless. A dirty prison cell splatter.

That's what we're talking about. Diary all up a dirty wall. That's that sort of level. Right. First record we got today. This was exciting to me when I heard it for the first time the other day and given to me by someone at our recent live show as well, Paul. Thank you, whoever that was.

Sorry, I forgot your name. Ew. Come on. Stop peeling back the labias. I've been peeling back the labias. Like simply read, reeling in the ears. Peeling back this pink pan. Anyhow.

Anyhow, New vaudeville band, Finchley Central was handed to me. He's going to play a bit now. Finchley Central is two and six months from gold is green on the northern line And on the platform by the kiosk, that's where you said you'd be mine.

There we made a date. For hours I waited, but I'm blowed you never showed. And Finchley Central, 10 long station from gold is green. change at Canton Town I thought I'd made you But I'm afraid you Really let me down A certified banger

Now there was a whole movement in the 60s Of kind of a nostalgic revival Of the vaudeville era Which I think is earlier in the 20th century 20s and 30s right You had the jazz age That's what they called it. The Jazz Age, right?

Jizz age. And this song, now, the new Vorderville Act were a British group led by this guy Josephs, who was a songwriter, like a pop songwriter, and they are a bit of a sort of studio confection or a studio manufactured band. It had a big hit with Winchester Cathedral, very much in this Vorderville style, and the distinctive vocal style I learned today is known as megaphone style, And that was originated by someone called Rudy Valley. Now, that name just sticks in my head

because he was an early singer in America who had us... Because the recording equipment early on in the 20th century was so poor, people had to have this sort of shouty. It came across, kind of... That sort of style, as you hear on the record. It's the Rudy Valley megaphone style vocal. Winchester Cathedral bangs, but this bang's harder for me because it's about North London.

and Finchley Central, Great Tube, they mentioned Golders Green and Camden Town, all on the Northern Line. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. And it has this sort of whimsical, suburban, nostalgic vibe, very close to the sort of psychedelia that was also beginning to come out around the time. This is from 66, I reckon, or 67, this record. It has something in common with the psychedelia and indeed with bands like the Bonzo Dog Dudar band who were doing similar thing, but with more sort of, more artsy. They were more avant-garde artsy. This was sort of designed to be a pop hit. It's like a pop instrumental sort of almost. It has that vocal on it. However, I love the references and to me it sort of sums up a kind of sort of suburban vibe, 60 suburbia vibe and the mention of those specific places. Golders Green, I love Golders Green. I go there and hang out and I've been getting when I go home from these recording sessions, I've been getting the 2.10. from Golders Green. The 210, the new bus is on that fleet, right?

They have after dark or whatever, they've got these green neon lights that go on both decks all along and they just, some of the drivers just have the green on and so you're like, oh, Vegas bus, ambient Vegas vapor wave bus, you know? We should do it, Paul. I know it's not a night bus,

but we could do a late night 210 on one of our night busing episodes. Anyway, Finchie Central, great song it's a it's a definite platter for me the only hint to sort of psychedelia is the

noise which does sort of is reminiscent I think it's like a kazoo or something but it's very reminiscent of fuzz guitar so there is that kind of little hint to the psychedelic

they went on they had several albums this group but it very much in the easy listening sort of category but this has a certain charm and we listened to

what their last single and it was very wrote compared to both Winchester Cathedral and this, Finchley Central. I have a record of instrumental music by George Martin, the famous Beatles producer, and he does a version of Winchester Cathedral on that, like a full orchestra thing,

which obviously he did an Abbey Road. Brilliant. Worth checking out this, like I'm the walrus on that and all sorts of these hits. So he obviously liked it as well. So definitely a platter for me, and we're going to go to Paul for his take on Finchley Central by the new vaudeville band, please.

Platter. Cool. Now, do you want to do another point here? All right, we'll keep going. Introduce it, you're fucking idiot. That doesn't count. I'm just telling you off. Introduce it, then I'll cut it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It really is in a terrible mood. Stop being so moody. Next record is what we're doing. Oh, how are we going to do your one without you talking about it? Yeah, okay. The next platter or splatter? I mean, you know, Clyde McFatter could come through again and he had something urgent to say or something like that.

He shrugged at me. He shrugged at me, everyone. I'm having to do a lot of work this week. Now, now we've got no, come on, I'm doing the record. Right. So the next record, everyone, is Stu Francis. Ooh, I could crush a grape. When life feels good like you know it should

and you're riding high and you touch the sky then say it with me Ooh, I could crush a grape When life feels great And you celebrate And you're having fun Because you're number one Then say it with me

Oh, I could crush a grape Ooh, I could jump off a dozehouse I can pop a balloon I can swing on a lamppost I could go to the moon I can find a fairy I could cuff like a cat Ooh, I could rip a tissue

When life feels fine You can make it shine Let me hear it shout What it's all about Just save with me Ooh, I could crush a grain And when you're feeling down Ooh, I could leap over a chocolate long

Stu Francis Uh, children's entertainer and TV presenter Famously presented Cracker Jack Cracker Jack went on for like six decades Not that long It can't have been that long. It started in the 50s and didn't finish until the late 80s or early 90s, I believe. Anyway, at least 30 years it was going, Cracker Jack, which was like the, it was sort of the anchor show.

What would you call that? Was it on Saturday morning? It wasn't a Saturday morning thing. It was a weekend evening thing? Weekday evening thing. Once a week. Paul's doing the charades now. But Stu Francis presented it for at least 10 years and he was one of the most famous presenters of Cracker Jack.

And he'd come on and go, Cracker Jack, say Crack. Jack or whatever. Cracker Jack. Yeah. But he had a little personal catchphrase but very much taken from the sort of music hall sort of Larry Grayson's school of sort of, you know, musical kind of catchphrases, ooh, I could crush a grape. You're never going to do it, mate. You're never going to do it. Stop, drop this. Can't we just have a nice time talking about records together? Please. Please stop doing this. Why are I punishing me for what? For just liking McDonald's? I'm sorry, man. What do you? I'm sorry how to go at you in the cold open, okay? I am. Okay, mate. Please. Come back to us. Please, Paul. Please. Right. So here is who I could crush a grape, Steve Francis. Right. Have you pressed it? You haven't. Why are you doing this? Are we recording now? Are we back? Right. That sucked. Much more interesting is what does C-stroke W with? The flip is, because B-stroke W is backed with.

What is C-stroke W? This is for the B-side, everyone, we're talking about. Comes with. Oh, comes-with, yeah. Weird, so it's not even the B-side. It's the comes-with side. Weird. Fuck that.

Anyway, this is on a little label called Topaz Records. We looked it up 4-4-4-Finchley Road, which, weirdly enough, is not that far from, Finchley Central at the actual station. Just literally, you could walk there in a 10 minutes, I think. but is now a some kind of tanning salon or beauty pot, beauty spot, beauty treatment spot. Oh, massage, pulls. He's literally doing charades.

Oh, he's, oh, tip, tit massage, dick massage. Oh, shower. Sourner. Anyway, I'd like a sauna. That'd be nice, isn't it? And a little plunge pool, lovely little plunge pool. Cold plunge pool. So, who I could crush a grape?

Clonge pool. Oh, there he go. He's done. He's done. He's got 44. He's got six words left. He can't do it. You can't do the rest of the episode, mate.

I mean, this is the only other segment, isn't it? So we're done after this. How are you going to do the admin? I can do it. Stop. You really, this is going to be a weird episode where you really don't say anything. I wasn't prepared for this, everybody. I was looking for a bit of Bon of me and Rappore.

Maverick Broadcaster. I am. Thank you. At last, he recognises. That's an exclamation, that noise he just made there, Paul. Anyway, so he says, ooh, I could crush a grape, and it's part of this whole nonsense to raid. Ooh, I could, you know, I could lift a Morris Minor, or I can't think of another one, he says, oh, I could wank off a cock, Paul has helpfully mimed, wank off a little cock, wank off a tiny cock, fly, fly and wank, fairy wank, fairy wank, I don't know what he's doing.

Play the bongos. I don't know what he's doing. A little buzz fly is landed on my knob, and then I've now... I've drowned... Oh, I could drown a fly in Spunk. It's how you're saying. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus, Paul.

Jesus, Paul. Okay. Right. No. It's anything. Anyways, his catchphrase. I think he did it before the show, Paul was telling me earlier. But he did do it. Ooh, I could crush a grape.

And I think he got the kids to go along. Ooh, I could. And they go, crush a grape. He's wanking off a fly again. Drowning a fly and smoke. That was the one thing that really got you, didn't it? Anyway, we're having fun now, even if you can't speak. So, what is?

That is pretty shit and annoying. you can see where it's going. It's a sort of kids record, you know, but it comes with Tolder Fib, which is the B side of this record, which is a little scenario. Are we going to listen to that? Because I think we need to play a little bit of that, Paul, as well.

Here, listen. I went to a disco the other night. This girl was there, dressed all in wine. I said to her, you're dancing or what? She turned to me and asked what car I'd got. I told her I got this roller. You know, it was parked outside. Well, I could have tell her that really had lied.

She said, hey, Stu, I like your style. Why don't we just bop around for a while? I told her film. Oh yes I did And then white lies Tell in your eyes Yeah So as you can hear from that

He's telling the story of how he went to a disco And he hits on a lady And lies, a fib of the title About having a Rolls-Royce And then he lies about having money By said lady a drink Well, she was in white, weirdly had a white dress. See, that's a thematic thing because white lies, right?

Must be something like to do with that. It's not suggesting she was virginial. I think it was suggesting she was a virgin. This is very problematic. It looked through the lens of 2025 in every way. Basically, he goes to a fucking night spot. He's trying to pick up some lady. Elysa tries to buy a drink.

And then he wants to start, her man turns up and almost starts a fight with him. And he's a cab driver. Was that his, like, was he a cab driver? Was that his sort of persona, a cab driver? It's weird, because he does say that. Oh, I've got a cab see. I've got a little mini-cab me. It's part of his whole sort of persona.

Stu Francis was a character. You know, there's Stu Francis, the entertainer. Then Stu Francis, the character portrayed on stage. He's handed me his phone. It's a British comedian, but with a camp style of delivery. So, yes, it's camp. So camp can exist apart from the sexuality. You can get straight camp and gay camp.

He was all wiping the tears from his eyes from when I said, about drowning a flying Spunk just now. Sorry. Oh, the cranky, his principal co-hosts were initially, look at this. The Crankies, classic, Fandabidozy. He's wanking off again. And later, alternating editions, Basil Brush, come on, waste two words. Boom, boom.

Oh, that's it, it's over. Let me see. He's got two words left, everybody. Basil Brush and the Great Soprendos. Fucking great, all of this. He went on to host Ultra Quiz. Do you remember that? Yeah, he does.

and he had an actual TV show for Border TV called Crush a Grape. Paul's not impressed. Anyway, his catchphrases. He had more than one. Here are some others, everyone. There are variations. I could pop a balloon. I could rip a tissue.

I could jump off a doll's house. I could wrestle an action man. I could duff a daffodil. I could test drive a tonker. You actually hear that on this Tolterfibb that one. I could test drive tonka. Ooh, I could pommel a peach. So his whole thing is he's a big wimp.

basically. That's what, oh, I could do something that demonstrates I'm not very strong. Like, you don't need to be very strong to crush a grape, for example, or to do any of those things. I guess that's what it is. So it's sort of a clowny thing where it's, it's self-deprecation. It's all wouldn't work now. The most heinous thing about the B-side, told a fib, is the fact he goes, I'm at a disco, so they're obviously trying to recreate a disco sound in the studio there. But they have not heard any disco records. All they know is it's got synths, The drum just needed rethinking, the beat in this record. It doesn't sound like anything.

And everything's out of tune. It's poor, very poor. Now, I'm turning to you, Paul. Stu Francis, ooh, I could crush a grape. Platter, or splatter. Cunt. Your expression there was really Rick-Male. It was very Rick-Mail, and it was coming through now.

He's challenging, channel it. Come on, mate, this is the one we have to do this. You've got one word left. How are you going to do the end of the show? For me, definitely a splatter, both sides. Stu Francis, it's all a bit weird. Now, moving on, we have a real curio. This is ephemera of the highest order.

It's the kind of novelty record that is it even novelty? It's more like esoteric ephemera. This is the Norjean label. Norjean are a pharmaceutical company. The A side is... Tablo of a lithominy, lithotomy, sorry, Martin, Marin, sorry. Tableau of a lithotomy by Marin-Marie. Let's play a bit now.

Tableau of a bladder operation by Marin-Marin-Marais. Aspect of the surgical apparatus. The patient quails as he beholds it. He mounts the operating scaffold. Sees with panic, he thinks of fleeing. He reconsider it. He is bound with cords of silk. The surgeon maketh his incision.

The porceps is introduced. Hereupon the stone is brought forth. Here, as it were, one's voice failed. The blood, it flowed. The surgeon unloosens the silken. The surgeon unloosens the silken chords. And now thou art put to bed. Utterly bizarre, as you can hear there, really weird. But we looked it up and that got. Marie Marie actually did write a piece of music that was meant to portray and sort of accompany

his operation because he had health problems. So it's kind of a medically themed piece of classical music. It was a bladder operation. Yeah. It was a bladder operation. That must be what a lithotomy was. So really unpleasant. But I think the different instruments there are meant to dearly, dearly, deadly, deadly, deadly, he's written writing. Early 1700s that is from, yes. Deep into that I think that's the classical period, maybe. But you can hear there that there's some American bloke saying, here comes the chopper or whatever on that.

It's weird. So that's that. That's the A side of this record. But the real purpose of why this was made was to act as an advertisement to GPs of the Norgene products, which are bowel medicine. Paul's written something here. I am a cunt. Jesus Christ, Paul.

He's having fun, everyone. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed that, mate. So, it's basically an advert for tummy medicine. Come on, mate. And it's called a representative's visit. Let's hear a little bit of that right now. How do you do, doctor? How do you do?

It's very good if you have to spare me the time. I hope it'll be to your advantage. I'm from Norgine. Oh, yes, Norgine. You're the Normacol people, aren't you? Yes. Normacol is one of a group of products we've developed over the last 40 years to restore function in a wide range of disorders of gastrointestinal secretion and motility. Since you're familiar

with Normacol, can we begin by talking about constipation? What are your views on its management? Well, I must say that I've always been reluctant to use strong purgatives when they can be avoided. In fact, I've found very few cases which have not been improved simply by providing bulk for the bowels to work on. That's just how Normacol acts. It consists of bland, vegetable musins presented in pleasantly flavoured granules. Normacol is not absorbed, but itself absorbs 40 times its own volume of water, and swells to a soft, bulky mass, thereby bringing about normal evacuation. Acting in this way, it doesn't cause painful spasms which stimulant purgatives commonly do. Yes, but why should I use normacol rather than one of the

other bulk laxatives? I'd say partly because Normacol was the original modern preparation of this kind, but chiefly, because in the three different normical formulae, you have products suitable for all the different types of constipation. Normacal standard, which contains terculia with frangula, normical special, which contains terculia alone, and normacol antispasmodic, which contains turculia and dipropylene citrate. Now let's jump from the bowel to the stomach and consider achlorhydria. You've jumped into something pretty nasty there. No, seriously, I find it's a very involved problem.

As you can hear, an absolute classic of the bizarro genre. He's got a really weird voice, the representative. I know it's a kind of Scottish accent. But he weird in the manner. He says like that at the beginning, doesn't he? The manner. Would you describe it to me in the manner? It's a Scottish accent, but he's talking with received pronunciation.

That's what it is. So it's posh. It's Edinburgh, wouldn't you say, maybe? But I love the fungal. He goes, the mucal fungal strain. It builds up It has this kind of The way he keeps repeating the medicine names

We should say He's trying to sell Basically a type of constipation medicine That absorbs lots of water from your gut And makes bulky soft stalls That's what it is And then he goes on And the second half of the disc

Less interesting Because he jumps, if he may If I may jump from the colon to the stomach And then he talks about you know, acid indigestion and sort of reflux problems, which aren't as funny as the poo-poo stuff, really. But an absolute gem of a bizarro novelty stroke ephemera record. This is actually the purpose is quite clear, because if you did want, if you were a GP and you wanted to know about the drugs that Norgene made for various ailments,

that would explain it very well. It's technical, you know what I'm saying? So, for me, that sure thing is a platter. Not the usual ones, but it gave me a lot of enjoyment. Just the weirdness of it and his funny voice and all of the words. What would you say, Paul? Platter! That's it.

He's out of words, everybody. So, just do a sound effect and then we'll say goodbye, I guess. Well, that's it for another episode of Cheap Show Everybody. That was Paul Gannon, the taciturn, a man of very few words, exactly 50. Well, he's had a few more than that, but 50 official words, and he spent them wisely. Well done you, Paul. Now, we've yet another unique episode of Cheap Show, huh? Trying too hard now, are we?

Cunt. Don't keep that in. Cut that, because then it'll just get worse. He's had more fun than he usually has everybody. It worked for him. Now, if you are interested in anything cheap show related, our one-stop shop for everything about us is our website, www.

Thecheepshow.com. UK, okay? We've got links to old episodes there. We've got links to merch pages, anything, all the details about everything. And if you do want to support us, oh, he's handed me another piece of paper. Oh, yes.

Okay. So that's our one-stop shop, the website. Also, we have a present online. We do vids for that YouTube. The cheap shots, they come out. We've just finished one of the greatest series in YouTube history, our Advent calendar, Halloween Advent Calendar unboxing, which had incredible, incredible climax.

No one was expecting that, the last figurine to come out of that, and it was brilliant. So go to our YouTube channel, which is just cheap show, I believe, and we have cheap shop Cheapshot videos coming out fortnightly Every fortnight we've got a new one You can see our lovely faces Now this podcast could not have kept going

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Only if you can And you can And you can find the link to that where, Paul. Sorry, just Cheap Show Patreon. Cheap Show forward slash Patreon. He's pointing. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. He's shaking his head.

He's shaking. I fucked it. I fucked it. Fucking write it down and you can't even get it right. You mush mouth cunt. Fuck off. Give what you can, but only if you can. Bye everyone.

And thanks everyone. Bye, bye. That's it. We won't be here next week. Good. Well, I think I may find your products useful. Look, give them a trial, doctor. If you'd like to fill in and return the request card, we'll gladly send you a sample of any or all of the products we've been discussing.

Normicol standard, normical special, normical antispasmodic, myripsin and in Japan. Well, goodbye, doctor. Thank you very much. Goodbye.