CheapShow - Ep 466: Into The Woods (Mono)

Episode Date: December 12, 2025

Mono Edition It’s Paul and Eli’s final walkabout episode of 2025 and they’ve decided to tackle the Hillingdon Trail which will take them into areas that they are very much not prepared for! In this two and bit hour epic adventure, the CheapShow chaps will attempt to traverse about 10 miles of northwest London in what may turn out to be their most trying ramble to date. They’ll have to deal with going in the wrong direction, complicated diversions, wet weather, a woodland ghost, pitch black paths, deeply muddy routes & unsure endings. That sounds like it’s going to be another awesome CheapShow walkabout episode, doesn’t it? As Christmas begins to roll in, allow Gannon & Silverman into your ears for a special yuletide quest! Woop!! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-466-into-the-woods Or listen to our other “trail” episodes: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-310-a-ball-of-chalk https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-334-the-walk-men www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

It's Tuesday the 9th of December. Cheap show is about to record its winter walkabout episode. And I fucked it. I fucked it right up the ass. Real quick. Right at the top. Fucked it. Got on the wrong tube line. Got on the wrong train. Now I've got to go back. Eli's waiting for me at fucking Harrow. Because I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere, more park. Anyway, finally here's my train. I'm going to get on it.

So I don't end up delaying this show any further. What a fucking start. You wait till I see Eli. You wait, or you listen. You listen when I hear Eli. He's going to fucking love this. So after Paul Gannon fucks up the beginning of yet another carefully planned episode,

I'm now joined by my good chum Eli Silverman for one of our wintry walks. Hello, everybody. Yes, it's walkabout time. Walkabout time. This one is for all the walkabout fans in our listenership. And I was thinking... Our last of the year as well.

And it's our last of the year. And it's all huff-l-uff-l-l-huff-l-l-h-huff. Don't say that. No, you say it. I won't say it. You live your best life, mate. Now, I was thinking on the way up here, Paul, because I did have some extra time

because you took entirely the wrong branch of the Metropolitan Line. Just to quickly update people again. Yes, I wasn't in the right thinking space today. I got on the wrong train, in the wrong direction, in the wrong line. So I've put us back by about 45 minutes. However, we are back at Ickham Station, where we are beginning this walk and this journey this week.

Ike. You replaced Ikeenum with Rickman's worth. I don't know why. But that's something you do generally. You swap words round. And often when you're talking at pace, I'm not turning this into have a go at Paul moment at all. I just want to say.

Don't let me open the full case for that. Because I've got a list for you. Sometimes you will use the opposite of a word instead of the word itself. Yeah. And I think this is what you've done here. you've swapped terms. Anyway... What gets me, though?

It felt like, you know when you see one of those tricks with Darren Brown goes, you don't know where you are, you don't know where you are, you're actually at the station you meant to be,

oh, I've got to get off, you know, that whole thing you did it. It felt like that, because I was staring at the thing, going, right, don't get that train, get that one, that Rickman's worth is where we're going. That's where we're going.

It's where we're going. And then I got a fucking whatever. More park. Which, again, we're not getting into that. Thinking, oh, it's a quick walk away. Oh no, we're on the long line. Anyway, the point being is that I've set us back by 45 minutes.

I had time to think, what are the special fans in our listenership who love the walkabouts? And I came up some options. The walkabout wankers, the walk about willy boys, walk about wank shaft, the walk about weepers, the walk about water rats, the walk about water rats, like Tony Hatch. He's at the grand order of the walk about water rats.

Wank shaft. How about the walk-about wanderers? Hey. The walk-about whimsies. Okay. The whimsy-woo walk-about wash-out. The wash-outs? The walk-about whimsy, wank-a-doodle-miscuits.

Have a little dance with your sister at the park. Now, what is the mission? Should we... Oh, that's the U-10. That's a lovely looking... U-10. Uxbridge, that's what it's for. We're in the Uxbridge environs.

Let's explain what we're doing. I don't know. I'll do that. Here we go. So, a little while ago, now we did a two-part episode called the Selandine Walk. Epic two-parter. And I was hoping for one of our wintry walks. This is one of our wintry walks.

And it's the end of the year, so I wanted to make it a little bit special. And so I thought, well, what other walks are there around here? Thank you. So I found one called the Hillingdon Trail. Now, it starts this journey originally, where the same. Lendine walk for us ended. So, you know, we've got off at the Grand Union. The journey that this is begins there and heads north, right?

I'm hoping to spot sight of the Grand Union at some point today, Paul. I don't know if we will, because I've skipped. Because it goes north as well. So I think it probably, I think my assumption would be that some of this trail, the Hillingdon Trail, actually follows the routes northwards of the Grand Union Canal. Because it goes all the way up to like... Or Manchester. Yeah, exactly.

So we might cross it. We might brush it past it. However, we're not starting at that journey. I've skipped the first three stages and we're at stage four. So that we don't overlap too much with the Selandine walk. Do you check that out though, guys. Yeah. If you want like a through line, do Selendine 1, Selendine 2 and then...

I think one's called the ball of chalk and the other one's called the Walkmen. Okay. I think that's the two part. I split over the year. I could put links in the description of this episode, actually, so you can get it there. Anyway, so we are heading for this part of the journey to the Ryslip Lido. Oh, a Lido. Is it a modernist Lido?

Yeah, well, I went there a few months ago in the summer, and it was a lovely area. Is it? Oh, great. It's like a little, you know, a big pool. And there's a little train track that goes around it with a little mini train. But I'm wondering when it was actually built. Well, it's been there for 100 years, but it's been modernised. Oh, it's like a Victorian Lido.

Yeah, it's like it's been there forever, but it's been modelled. modernised recently. It's got a fake beach and a pirate ship. Now, something you don't see further in is this lovely old brick train shed up here in Ikinham Station. I'll take a shot of that. You take a shot of that because I need to figure out now how we're going to start this journey. I think we've got to go to the roundabout because this is the bridge right where we're at. I see. And we've got to go left here to join the journey down at stage five or whatever it is. Oh look, we can go down there and then up there. Yeah, you see what I'm saying? So, hopefully we'll find a little shop on the way because it does

kind of weave in and out of little villages in amongst the more naturally inhabited areas. But there's fuck all here in Ick in him. We put the ick in Ick in him, don't we? You know the ick is a thing? Have you heard about the ick? You give me the ick.

It's like when you're in a relationship. You give me the ick, poor. You give me the ick, the sticky ick. No, the sticky... Sticking them. Sticking him, in her? Oh my God. Anyway, yeah, no.

Because when I got to Moore Park after my mistake, I got out, saw almost nothing. No nearest bus stop was a 15-minute walk away. And I was like, I shouldn't be here. You realised, because I did, I called him everyone because I couldn't, because there have been big delays actually today on the Metropolitan line. So I took the first train I could get out of King's Cross,

which was to Amisham, which is the wrong line. Then I got off a Harrow. I spoke to Paul on the phone and he went, you should have got the Amisham one. He's still, his Rickman's worth delusion was still going. You should have got it. Honestly, now I know what those QAnon kids are like. Oh, is this a little...

You're overstimulated. I'm overstimulated. There's liminal spaces, suburban sideways. Our problem today is it is winter, and so there'll be very little in the way of light. We'll run out. And it doesn't help when a dovy dickhead. No, not here.

It doesn't help when a dozy dickhead kills an hour of our war. walking time so we're going to do as much as we can this is a this is a 12 mile walk all in we might not do all 12 we could probably do about realistically four or five to no four or five's nothing we've done four or five in our sleep mate I'm I reckon we could do eight eight nine and I've brought a big flask of coffee oh you have great I have it's only black and it's not fancy but I have brought it that'll do for me So, classic Chinese restaurant. Peking Palace, a nice old-fashioned laundry.

That's what you get around here. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right, so. Funeral service. Do you want to get something to, you want to go to a shop or something? Well, if there is one.

Well, there must be. It doesn't seem to be a convenience store here. Around the corner. Let's see. Anyway, it's time for Cheap Show's wintry walk, our pre-Christmas wander, and you're invited. So come on, you fucking cunt.

Come join us on our podcast this week. Ah, fuck them. They love it. It's just friendly bans, in it? Come on, it's walkies time. I know what your priorities are. Come on, it's walkies. I'm doing the intro. Come on, it's walkies time. Duh da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. What? Don't say it. I didn't say it. It's walkies time. That's my new one. It's walkies time. So, I'm going to be able to be. I'm going to be.

I'm going to be. I'm not you know, but I'm I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to

you know I'm going to be so I'm oh my and I'm Well, after a very short walk, Eli and I are now officially on the Hillingdon Trail. We're on the Yellow Hillingdon Trail.

Now, I don't want to be, jump to conclusions, but we haven't seen any signposting for it. I don't think there will be. Well, the Selendine Walk was quite well signposted, wasn't it? Do you know what? We're going to find out soon because although we are on the path, we kind of joined it halfway through checkpoints. So it might be, we'll see it as we join this Grove walk area soon.

I'm looking forward to the spotting our first checkpoint with baited breath. Now, a little stroll through Ickham. Very much a satellite town vibe, wouldn't you say? Yes, well, again, going back to the MET line, the MET line was built to connect all these little kind of out-of-town, out-of-town satellite towns, to London. And it does, I guess. It does, yeah.

It does, yeah. It does, you know, we're in the kind of middle of Bumblefuck nowhere to some extent, and we got there on a normal metropolitan tube line. We did. So we've got to cross the road here, I think, because I think we're about to cross over and go down that little pathway there. Walk about wet and wild wankers You're still going to try and find the name for it

Even though everyone we've done so far has been awful Go on Walk about whimperers as a butt plug The walkie woo's Walkie woo's you've got it mate The walkie woo's After the W in woo's though So we say walkie whews

No I like woo with the WOO Is it reminds you of ghosts or picking up ladies in the 70s I've, you know that thing, here I sit, broken-hearted, paid my money and only farted. Yes. I've updated it. Yeah. Here I sit, cock in hand, spunked on your tits. I paid a grand.

We know that's fake. Because when have you ever had a grand to pay off for sex? Just saying. Well, I was just taking the... Playing a character, Paul, then. Yeah. That came to me... Oh, about this one?

All right, here we... Alone I am. Hang on, let me think. Sh, shh, shh, shh, sh. Here I am in a glory hole. Pay £4.50. It was quite small. Anyway, we both seem to be in quite good spirits here at the top.

So come with us, you walkie-woo's. No, I don't like it. It's kind of, it's one of those kind of phrases that makes me feel bad. Yes. What about, oh. It's chummy. It has a chummy vibe. Don't want chummy.

What about the chummy. cheap show here we go look at that talk about signposted oh it's on diversion it's already we're diverted it's already on fucking diversion why are we on diversion oh there is a sign hillington trail hillington trail but obviously there's a diversion now why not oh because all this is a you think it's because of all of this because i can't and gone public foot palf through golf course closed follow diversion so i'm presuming that's what this is then the diversion it's a pain the ass yeah so i guess we um we trust that they've done this correctly well i mean because we don't want to go fucking 30 minutes that way and then not be able to continue do it well look there's

obviously something going on with all this partitioning Well, do you remember how badly we got diverted on the first stretch of the Thirlandine walk? That was because of the H.R. 2 or whatever it's called? I mean, it could be something very similar here, couldn't it? That's a fucked up old pub. Oh, that's a spooky pub. I bet that's got a ghost in. So, so far, if you're keeping track,

my carefully selected route has had me go the wrong fucking direction on a train for half an hour. And immediately diverted. immediately got on diversion. Half diversion. It must be serious because they've put two massive signs up. Although there is an arrow ahead though saying you might want to go this way now. So let's put faith in the sign. Yes. Let's see who we get. Faith in signage. Now I've got a nice big flask of coffee. I can't wait to get my hands on that. Are we going to have a little also I brought a little bit of roast beef? Have it? I don't. Just a little slice of roast beef That I'm going to share with Eli.

It's got no purchase, mate. That wasn't that bad. You wait. All right, fine. You wait. I'm drumming up a big boy. In a new breakthrough in classiness, I'll be sniffing and reviewing Paul's beef eggs. Oh, on the nose, it's quite robust. Nice rounded umami flavourings.

Oh God, say shit pipe or copper pipe. That's what you love to say. Copper pipe, isn't it? My grunty guttering. Guttering. The Greenway. See, there's that other station I was telling you about that. I thought we were at it wasn't that. I don't know what that station is, but it's on a national rail.

Do we think the footpath is pointing up this way? It's not pointing down here. Keep going this way, I think. But here's the thing. Go stand over there. Yeah, I'm going to take a photograph. The problem is, though, when you've got a footpath diversion and then the diversion itself looked like it's been moved,

I don't know which way to take it. mate i think it is up that way because look there's a sign here it's been snapped there has been tomfoolery a play why have they been tomfoolery a play to confuse people how dare they why would they what have we done to them think about it you're walking this way the sign's meant to be pointing up this road if you're walking this way towards the station it's saying go up this way yeah so i would like if you don't mind to run this past you and consider us going this way I agree. I agree. All right.

Yeah, because it says the greenway there, that seems like a reference to part of a path, at least, doesn't it? And also, from looking at the map, it does go that way. We were supposed to go that way before the diversion. So all of these things. Let's take a risk. Let's take a risk on this. How dare they, Tom Fool? How dare they fool with Tom?

Horseplay is what it was. You see that Tom May, you got all those cheesy crackers? He got what cheesy crackers? Someone sent him a big box of a Christmas crackers made by a company called Cheeses. So every bag's got like cheese in or something. Every cracker's got a chees in. Got an actual mini cheese? I've got cheesy crackers.

I'll fucking say that. I thought they were beefy. I didn't have a shit. Beef and cheese, yeah. Beef and cheese. Yeah, my whole fucking harvester platter for you. Wasn't it like a cartoon? Milk and cheese.

It was a comic? Oh, I don't know. Was it beef and cheese? No, beef and cheese is what I've got. So do we go up there? No, I think we go straight across. It looks like there's some kind of. construction

construction over there and also some greenery this can't be on the same issue with the HR2 because that's much further out of the way but now I'm beginning to get like lose my bearings yeah let's see

we've matted too long let's get a little bit of walk on and we'll come back to you with a little bit of noise no HS2 parking HS2 not HR2 yeah you're right because I was thinking of HRT

which is what women do when they go on what do you mean I need I need HRT Oh look, it's just the front of a house Remain standing there How surreal You've got to take a picture of that

Take it from this angle as well So you can get the benefit That's the kind of thing that you'd expect to see You know, I don't know A movie I don't know Right, we're going to carry on walking I think we've got a big day ahead of us

So let's spread the natter out But that's going south That's going south So it turns out the path we went down was the wrong path or rather it would have been the right path had it all not been sealed off because of HS2 so

we've now got to go back all the way we fucking came to the high road oh Christ the HS2 has genuinely just fucked up a lot of things in general goes on and on and on and on on it's ruining everyone's life

Can I just point to you the quality of this household here? Look at the little roof. Almost that's like, it's a roof, and they've done the garden so brilliantly. And do you see the way the chimney stack goes through the roof? It's like a twin stones vibe. It's like a Swiss cottagey, something like that. Modernist Swiss cottage. So right here is where the footpath was meant to take us, Hillingdon Trail.

This is what I don't. understand as someone fucked this thing because like I look at I look at that maybe it was meant to come through here maybe that's what it was that little path we've seen there was meant to come through here yeah so anyway we've uh we started on the other side there so that's going south down that way yeah would you like a sandwich I've got a little bit of beef left can you stop there's a person over there who saw you do that beef can I just say river came through here look at this yeah this is where the river was I love this this is an old bridge oh bridge you like saying that you can't quite hear oh yeah you can see it's right there

underneath there this is so cool what river is that I'm gonna have to look I'm gonna end river it's not the Hillingdon River it's the Hillingdon? It's the Hillingdon River I guarantee you well he does that I'm gonna get back onto the main road because again we were meant to start this walk at one o'clock we started at a quarter to one instead quarter to too sorry we've taken two wrong exits diversions it's just so sometimes I feel like there's no point in planning stuff anymore we should just put a pin in a map and go right let's just start there and start walking yes but we you know we took we both we both made the mistake there because we thought there'd been shenanigans with the signs but we

to be fair we assumed wrong we assumed wrong okay we made a mistake there That's all it is. It's only like a four-minute mistake or something. It's still a mistake I don't want it to make it. It's a mistake you didn't have to have to make. I didn't want it to make it. So you're like a tomato sauce, though? It's a tomato de sauce.

No, stop. Do not at a start a day? Do not at the start a diet? I will just talk like this all at this time. All at the time. It's simple everybody, peeps. No, don't say it like that. Isn't he?

I'm Stavros. Isn't he? That's what Harry Enfield did and he got famous. That was his massive breakthrough, wasn't it? That and loads of money. Yeah, but Savros was before. I don't know. It was on Friday night.

What was that show called Friday night? Well, there was Friday Live and Saturday Live, they were called. It was basically the old comedy scene on prime time, wasn't it? So, like, the first time I ever saw Harry Enfield was Stavros. Probably. Actually, very likely that was the first time I saw him. He's probably been doing voices for like spitting image and things for a while. But anyway, I think Stavros is popular.

But it was not until he did loads of money that it really stuck. That's when it. Skyrocket. Because I don't believe he did a song with Stavros, but he definitely did a song with loads of money. Loads of money. Character for the ages. Maybe you have a favourite Harry Enfield character catchphrase.

What do you comment below in a piece of air hanging below your eyes? What are you talking about? Just have a thought and project it into the air. Soon you will be able to, with all these Google glasses and whatnot. I can do that with my ass. I project the idea of beef.

and then I project it into the air. It's a weak facsimile of beef. It's a ghost beef. It's where beef once was. It's the afterthought of beef. It's a shat simile. A facsimile, but with shit. Well, hang on, what do you mean?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, indeed. Woo! That's all. Why? And you do a pun. I go, woo!

Like, you're my hype man? Yeah. All right, I like that. Let me do a pun now. Well, we're on the Hillingdon Trail and we're going to continue all. walk on this diversion but don't you worry everyone uh this isn't a hillington that will die on this isn't a hill hillingdon a hillingdon that i will die on can i officially quit as your

pun hype man please do okay i'm going bye and i'll and i'll pay you extra to keep quiet about it i'm going to pay you in beef i'm going to give you one of my sold nappies i wear a nappy for a day Eli. Whatever comes out comes out and you get to keep the nappy. It's everything about shit with you. It's not every. It's not always. It's a fence. It's a fence, Eli. I know. I've taken very much a fence. I take a fence. Woo! Right. Let's get this fucking walk on. So we've come off the road and I think we found a diversion again. Uh, there's a little sign here that says, well, fuck the HS2 and to be fair I can't have a great yes because we got diverted right at the

beginning of our walk but it looks like we're on to the Hillingdon trail now Paul because this isn't exactly it but I think this will take us to it now yes we're joining it now I can see another diversion sign up there so this is definitely it we've done well we didn't panic no we entered rice slip and it always brings me back to a friend of mine at university who used to live in rice slip but he used to worship London and he lived down here because I think this is on the other side of the M25 right

but it's still London, you get London buses and stuff and he used to go this is London too because he was obsessed with being in London Not TWA as in this is also London No, as in number two London too, London too included

London as well as all these other plates London to eclectic boogaloo because it was so important to whose identity You're going to go woo there. Woo, woo. It was so important to his identity. You can't commit to that gag, just shouldn't have brought it up. I'm to edit that out.

It's really sad. I'll do it. I'll do it here and you edit in, yeah? All right. You ready? Yeah. Woo! Perfect.

Right. Very sad story of that man, anyway. Oh well. But he brings, he comes to mind. He also had a dog. No, that's a great addendum to that story. I'm glad we did that. Now, we don't want to go south by mistake, because that looks like that.

No, no, we're not going to go south. because I think that's the path we should have come to get to here. Right. Because that would have taken us across the line, wouldn't it, over the line? Yes, but that seems to be going back down towards the line, no? I know, but that's what I'm saying. That's what we would have come from originally to join it here. Yes, we don't want to go down there.

We want to go up here, is what you're saying. Oh, no, now I don't know what you're saying. We need to look at the map, mate. Let's look at the map, mate. Here we go. It's started to pissle and a twistle. It's only a little tifflet-tattle. It ain't too bad, baby.

There's an update on the beef question. Hold that carefully. Did anything come out? I didn't quite hear that, but I was worried you were going to shit on my microphone. Nothing came out. Right, so we're going to be about here somewhere. No, we're here. Oh, no, we're here.

So this, yeah, it might be up this way then. Definitely is. Because look, I can imagine we've come down that road and we're along here somewhere. That's right. Something like that. I mean, at this point, mate, should I just stick the map up my ass and forget about it? Let's just wander. No, we need to be following the pot.

that goes back into like suburbs so i don't want to do that i think this is the way all right then we need to find somewhere to sit down well i think we will here coffee and we are going to have a little smoke and we that's it public footpath for one four five what's that that's some kind of old shelter it's a little shed or something maybe that's only got the top looking it's been damaged as well or maybe it's like where you just put like stuff temporarily and out of the rain like that sand like building materials must have something to do with hs too You know, when I collect sand, I always make sure I've got, like, it's sealed away, so rain doesn't make it clumpy.

That's all that it was. It's a non-clumpper. It's what they call a non-clumping sand roof. Non-clumpy, plumpy, tumpy. Here I sit. Oh, I'm sad. At least I shat. That makes me glad.

I've had sex in the north. I've had sex in the south. But I really like a chunky loaf. loading my mask. Ah, woo! Chunky, God. Is this what we're going to do, little poems throughout

about how we have sexual debasement? That's the golf course. Right. Oh, look, this is very similar to when we did that last... I went to play golf, a swing and a miss. I drunk too much coffee,

went behind a tree for a piss. Hey, who! This is now the poetry podcast episode where we walk and we poem. I'm trying to say something else. This is like a path through the old golf course. Yeah.

Which is like our last walk we did. Exactly. We had to go through a fucking walk on the new river walk. Through a golf course. Now. Oh, by the way, update, we will not be continuing that walk. It seems dreary and boring and we'll fuck it off. John Rogers said so. Then we won't do it.

No, he was really pissed off because he had to do a huge diversion where he had to basically walk along a motorway for like two miles or something. You know what I mean? Which is no-no. This is the kind of walk I like where we're now on a little path to nowhere, to where he like. It looks just to be going through some woodland. Now, this path of the Hillingdon Trail goes through Ryslip Woods

and there's records of Ryslip Woods going back over a thousand years to the Norman invasion. Do you know what happened then? I mean, I presume... Barry Norman came in... Woo! You say woo! Any pun deserves a woo!

Barry Norman came and said, hmm, that's... actually, it's very good. What did he used to say? Do you know who was the wisest of all the Normans? Norman wisdom. Mr Grimsdale? Mr Grisdale? Anyway, we're on this path.

We're just looking for somewhere to sit down and have a coffee. A mysterious place. Let's get out my cock and come in your face. We need some shelter. Give me shelter. Did you not bring an umbrella, like I said, in the message? This seems to be a sort of a wooded embankment running through the old golf course. But I think the golf course has been shut down.

At least the shooting range has totally been shut down by the HS2 work. Well, yeah, because I think about it, they can't have balls coming over. Comedy fans, that's where the comedy bunker used to be. There's no comedy. Yes. But yes, there you go. Yeah. There was a comet.

And not as in like Second World War Refuge from bombing. No, because that's less funny. Well. Although, if I was playing golf and my ball went in the bunker, I wouldn't be fucking laughing. Why? Perhaps they called it the comedy bunker because people's careers got stuck there. You know what I mean? No, that's a good one.

Woo! That wasn't a pun. It was more a metaphor. Extended metaphor. Let's find a nice place to sit and rest. The diversion was still on the diversion. I'm doing a poem. Stop talking.

over my poem if we're going to do this and you started you started this okay paul i'm sorry i'm sorry go ahead i want to sit down have a coffee in fag i hope that our delay isn't too much of a drag well done it's christmas this is our christmas wintry walk golf course caution it says see golf past close so yeah maybe we were coming down here originally yeah golf course caution see that's it this is the diversion isn't it yeah it's a weird diversion though because look it you have to go all the way around it and stuff and wiggly woo no it's closed we're not originally what i'm saying is it would have been a wiggly woo to get through like wind wooden yes very much going for a golf course and not of these walks

uh go i feel like we've um we've got enough experience that we took the diversion in our in our stride yeah well done all right well look at let's get a picture of me by the golf course caution sign oh shit mate don't fall in the street mr grimsdale It nearly fell in the fucking lake. No, this is good. The post wobbled. Very nice. Thank you.

Oh, it's really starting to piss down. It's not starting to piss down. You've had one droplet and you're calling it a tsunami. Don't say that because there could have been a tsunami in Japan. Well, there could have been an earthquake. There was an earthquake. I could mention any weather right now, and it could possibly happen at any point in the planet. Don't mention any weather right now.

Don't mention anything of incidents ever. Oh, so don't mention incidents. Things are happening that might be insensitive. Don't open your mouth. Woo! I'm in a good mood. I'm in a good mood. Let's kiss. No, no, no, no. You always say that. Christmas kissing.

If there's any mistletoe, you're going to get a kiss, and that is a threat. All right, let's carry on with this walk. So just a very quick update, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, we've just now crossed paths with the Selandine Walk. Yes, and we've crossed on a little, delightful little bridge, the River Pin. So this is where it's all joining up And basically the HS2 works That we had to go around

But in the diversion today Exactly the same ones that at the end of the first Selendine walk Stopped us basically So we're in the same area exactly And also if you keep in track This is where Eli started complaining about his wet hems No wet hems yet today

No wet hems today I've got appropriate footwear for this walk Because it's a bit muddy then I don't care if he gets ruined Because it's on its way out anyway So fair enough That's what I did today But if I hear any wet hemes yet

HEM complaints today. I will smack your shins with a tree branch. No wet hem complaints and we're still looking for somewhere because it is, it doesn't seem, the rain seems to have moved on actually. Mate, I think it's going to be spitter spatter. It is a bit spitter spatter. I think we're going to be all right. We're looking for somewhere to sit down and have a coffee. It's right.

You've got a waterproof coat. I do. I've got a waterproof coat. And we've never done a rainy episode really properly. Is that waterproof? Yeah, it is. Very waterproof. It doesn't look waterproof. It doesn't, does it?

Right. Uh-oh, there's a fork. Now I think we go right Because it looks like that goes into someone's house Okay Because that spooky Tudor house thing It's probably owned by a murderer Thomas B murderer

Always B murdering Is his catchphrase Dick B Eakin Fanny B Pongan No one's got the name Pongin I bet there is someone with the name Pongin And Fanny B Or stinky

Fanny B ponging It's like Fanny B. Ponging. Woo! Whether you're right in or whether you're wronging, come to the back of the car park where you'll meet Fanny B Ponging. Oh, oh, all right, okay, that was it. It was a little update that we've crossed past

with a previous episode of The Cheap Show. How thrilling are though, I don't know where we're going here. I don't know where we're going here. I think we go left here. It does go through there. It does go through there. It's the same part.

Strand's at the same path. But let's do that, yeah. Yeah, let's do that. All right, see you in a bit. Hopefully you won't get lost again. Once I see you in a bit. See you in the bye-bye. By the baby bo-bo.

Oh, this is a lovely little path. All right, let's stick to this. Little natural avenue through the trees here. We're going to walk down to this natural avenue. Woo! And hope we'll get us higher. What a great song. What a great song.

Eddie Grant. grant everyone who was in the equals who did baby come back baby come back ba-da-bye bye bye bye I must admit I was a clown to be messing around but that doesn't mean that you had to leave town come back did they do that a version of with me colour TV that one yeah red dragon was it chacademis and pyres yeah but they also did that other one together didn't they put compliments girl on your case that's red dragon that's red dragon that's red dragon that's red drag yeah well that's all the reggae news you have this week join us next week we'll be

talking about prog rock after taking a little diversion we went to what was it old old clacker's farm old clack farm and we had to cross a style and then walk basically between two private property fields and now we're running a little pathlet around the back of little houses and on the other side you got the fields of old clack farm old clag farm farm. There's no one else. Tell them that we haven't seen a soul. We haven't seen a single sausage.

This is quite far out. Yeah, baby. We're at the back of people's like some kind of estate, but yeah. Yeah. And then this will come out at some point and then there'll be a sign, I think. But, uh... Some kind of shelter and a bench. Oh, yeah.

Maybe we should just try out of, though. I think we're going to be coming out to somewhere suburban now. onto a road maybe yeah hmm well I reckon we just push on then well this is the rate it's been signposted this way it has been so we're going to

keep on walking and I just wanted to document this next little journey on the on the route look there another one oh yeah we're on the trail this is the trail baby we're off the diversion we're on the trail proper this is on the trail proper no more diversions I hope We are beginning to lose a little bit of light. It's been grey all day, but now it's kind of like...

Yeah. And I've got a bit of a sweat on as well because I'm wearing like 12 layers. How are your legs? Fine. I mean, I walked a shit tonne over the weekend, so... All about Liverpool. All about that day, Liverpool.

Spoiler warning. Expect me and Eli in the Whirl and Liverpool next year, around about Easter. There we go, that's in action. Whirl walk, I think, is in order. trip across the ferry ferry cross the mersey ely yeah i'd love to do that yeah so that's what's look forward to next year providing we're both alive we're not a strip of land behind houses on both sides yeah with the sort of the path running down behind and a little dried up stream as well

bloody sound is it wind chimes that'll do my fucking heading if i heard that every fucking day there's that old bridge there's that old bridge but it's all chopped up oh it does it's all broken up this must have been a pathway at some point a little river or something no this is yeah it's a tributary down here yeah because you can still see a bit of water but yeah old bridge houses now we are still running right through the middle of it all but i can hear children screaming nearby suggesting the sounds of a school anyway that's it's not the most important or interesting part of the journey but i thought to keep you up to date because that's what we like to do on cheap show don't we don't we

elize's impressed with my choice of walk yeah it's very good i'm cock a hoop about that nice anyway all you uh children playing in the fields cheap show wanderers you uh you walk with us uh you're in the gang you get a you get a fact sheet and a membership pin or something i don't know like you to do the old days don't be pombrating them pins no it'd be one of those shit pins well i just send them a bit of cardboard with a safety pin on the back of tape and it says I am a cheap show wanderer oh look it looks like it's getting paved up here right well when I get paved I lose interest so I'm turning this off until we come to another place of interest oh oh all right we'll look for some more we can have a stop

so for a brief moment we came out of the wilderness and through some housing areas estates and now nondescript we were saying If we just got plonked there, we wouldn't be able to tell where we were in Britain. And then I said, it did feel somewhat like the south of Britain. That's about as specific as you could get. This is very like, we're on a strip of what I like to call pastry here. Pastry. Which is a strip of thin grassland.

And with the river running down at the bottom there. Well, it's like when we did the very first one, the Dollis Brook. Yeah, the Golden Quest episode, yeah. Again, a similar kind of topography, isn't it? Yeah. Absolutely. Fucking love this shit. See, I've made Eli happy.

It's my Christmas gift for Eli, because I'm not buying him anything this year. Just so you know, I'm not buying you anything for the Christmas office party this year. Oh, I'm talking to the Christmas office party. Oh, yes, you wanted to mention that, didn't it? Right, so I've hired a lovely little place. Okay.

We've got lots of presents from Rappoos, but I thought we'd start. Is this a real place that exists in reality, though, Paul, this year? Okay, yeah. It's called the... It's the... Le Maison, a harrow, a mound. The Mount de Harreux.

The Phantom Harrow Un... Jesus Christ Man. What's French for hill? The hill. Il. A mound.

You said moond. Moond. You sound like the guy out of Hello, hello. A good moaning. No, it's a little bijou place called the Phantom Manor with Harrow an hill.

hill right and it's a lovely little place don't get me wrong I spent a lot of money on it I had to pay I had to pay me 500 pound to rent it out I seriously I took myself to one side went you can't charge that it's not fair and he said well you know rates are going up and then what did you have to think yourself right well he said I'll give you a discount if you if I come over here with me it was a five-digit discount mate he was put it one way I got a gaping discount I don't know why that's the one that's set you off. Now, what did you actually want to say?

He gave me a full kermit and no mistake. And I gave him a bit of a Miss Piggy for... Anyway, anyway, I ended up I would have to pay myself one pound for the venue. But what I thought we'd do is we start with a little pub crawl beforehand and out and about walking around. Funnily enough, through Pinner, nice couple of villagey pubs. Oh, it's very wet round there. Very mulchy.

Very sticky. Very sticky. so that's what we're going to do next that's for the office christmas party a little bit of a walkabout home for christmas presents and uh booze and crackers is that right yeah next next next monday it's the office christmas party and you'll be invited because it's our last episode of the year we take christmas off we're back new year with a night busing because we're going to go into our archive from patreon and give me an extra week off basically do an extra night busing as well somehow we've got to fit one in we'll see that's up in the air still

We could still do that much closer to Christmas, we could do it next week, but we'll see. Because, you know, I want some time off. Yes, it's very soft underfoot here. It's very soft on the foot. And if I'm not careful, I'm going to go face down into muddy town. Woo! Wasn't even meant to be anything.

Oh, God, it is slippy, sloppy. It's really slippy. Can you hear it? Squelchy, woo. So, yeah. A bit of a pub crawl next week, followed by Un Le Hauson Maison. and uh harrow uvak hill god if that description hadn't been more tortured it more

tortured it would have been in that abu gab oh that sentence had come out a little clearer it might have been a better better retort yes instead it was slow you could almost say it was a retortus retortus now woo i mean yeah woo sometimes paul that it was very very good When I get hungry and fancy a squirtle, I get up my dick and I fuck a big turtle. Again. Mate. I think once this route's done, I have created 20,000 great poems and 25 great puns. Oh, I slipped on my ass.

You nearly slipped. Right, okay, there's a big road coming up. And I think we're at the end of part one of this particular part of the walk. Oh, are you careful now? Whoa. Yeah, it's slippy. There's no grip on these. I'm trying to find more verdant's ground.

Oh Christ. Look at this big field. I think we're getting towards the Lido, the Ryslip Lido, which is our first kind of major stopping point here. I think we should see. I just wanted to let everyone know my Hems are kept dry so far. Eli is Chris Helmsdrysworth. That's his name today. Chris Helms.

Hemsworth. Shut out. Shut up. Hemsworth. Chris Hems dry. Woo! Right, I think we're getting close to the first part of this journey and we have to move on to the next printout, which is exciting. So, ooh! Yeah, great. Eli, yeah, big hype man. That wasn't a height fall. That was me almost falling over again.

Woo! Funny stuff. Now where does it continue? This way. I'm going to put this away and we'll check the map. But we're getting close to the end of part four of our seven part walk that we're only doing three parts of. All right, so let me just check the map. Right slip Lido. Yeah. Here we are at Ryslip Lido.

So this ends part four of this particular walk, the Hillingdon Trail. Now, if you want, the journey I don't think includes the Lido, but if you wanted to, we could go around it. It says walk the planets. Yeah. What are the planets? Along the way. They're just way by, way stations. Yeah, that you can check it on.

Well, I think we should sit down and have a coffee because I can see some benches. Yeah, but you see over there, there's like a fair. beach but there's like a kid's climbing frame and stuff it's quite large beach isn't it yeah and then up that way there's a mini railway track that goes right around the side of the lido and back so it even shows you here there's the track that runs around where does the trail actually continue just it just sort bypasses it on the map in a minute but right now we're at our first i guess it's our first major checkpoint because this is where part four ends of this trail as we head north um actually i was going to give a little bit of context actually hillingdon trail

walk 20 miles through Hillingdon's beautiful countryside from Cranford to Herefield at your own leisure. So you see like this is all these routes and it eventually takes you all the way to like... So do you think maybe they made the Hillingdon Trail with bits of pre-existing paths? What is like I was saying to you, how does one establish a trail?

Was it something that happened in 1886? Some guy wrote it down and then became official. And then over time as things change and buildings are put up in its way, it's adapted and moved around by some kind of walking trail. I think it must be... Starzy or something.

It must be, yeah. You'd think it'd take quite a lot of organisation. That's the thing. I think there's different histories for different trails. Like the London... What's that one? The London Circular, it's called. Which we cross a lot.

Yeah. And there's a further one in. The London Ring, and then there's the circular route. Which is the Green Ring or something. Yeah, the Green Wing. Green Ring. I'll give you a green wing. so let's just take a seat it's coffee time

but it's waning yeah but what are we going to do about that we can go under these trees I'm sure we'll get a bit of shelter there mate can I show you my new coffee flask you got a new one yeah mate let me show you I'm just going to put this down a second hang on what's so good about it hang on here we go

what's so good about it it's big oh that's nice it's the bullet shapes yeah magnet lid oh that's really nice where did you get it second hand no I got on Amazon for five quid because it was off it was usually 20 odd oh and the Black Friday the Black Friday thing oh you did well on the Black Friday oh wind that's a lovely lovely it's an ion 8 yeah it's a bit scuff because it's been in my bag hang on let's just leave that there but look

that becomes the mug as you imagine the magnetized cap Oh, it's piping. I'll have a little sip. Oh, that's incredibly hot still. It's really hot, yeah. Now fancy, but it's just what we needed. Very good. Thank you. Right.

Right, let's have a little smoke and a sit down, and then we'll figure out our next plan of this walk. We could do one or two more points, I think. I think we could do a fair few. If I'm getting, we're done by dark, Yeah. We're going to be all right. You're sitting to getting back.

Right, anyway. Anyway. See you in a bit. See in a bit. My, cheap show, happy wanderers. My a. My ars. My arsol.

That's dicked. My arsol. My arsole. Right, Eli and I've had a nice little rest bite from our walk. A little rest stop with a little bit of all. this smoky-wokey and a little sippy wippy on the coffee waffy yes so the next part of the walk is part five right of this three-part walk we're doing very similar to the celandine yeah but we haven't had any drama like we did before we're too good at this now we we you know when the

selendine we're like my wet hems we are both quite damp but it's unseasonally warm it's it's in the double digits right in the mid double digits today So what we're going to do is this next part of the walk would take us ideally through and round the RISLIDO. We're going to forsake that today because we might come back

to the Lido for a Patreon thing or something in the summer. We're on the other side of the reservoir from the Lido and we're kind of bypassing it so we can see the beach. That's the Lido over there isn't it, behind the beach basically. Yeah, with all those kids climbing frames and pirate ships. We're going past someone called the Waterhouse

the water edge stone house. Look at the architecture of that. Yeah. It's all, what would you call that? It's a weird postmodern mix of, like, deco, weird, really weird. But like this is right on the edge of the lido, a nice big, huge lake. Great spot, Paul. You said you came here with your girlfriend?

Yeah, in the summer of this year. You just hung out, did you? Yeah, just to get out the house. And we walked around, it was a lovely sunny day. I was like, oh, Cheap Show should come here. but today it's almost got its own spooky it's got a real desolate vibe it's beautiful actually really nice

the golden haze to the tree tops where autumn's set in I've got to get a shot in yeah get a shot in because this is a really nice view so we're not going to go round the Lido we're going to skip it but go along the

side of it to get onto the next major part of the path because this part five is a four mile walk which is why I think we can do it well we are we're getting going get our head down get our trudge on I'm going to do it

but this is a Ryslip Woods the Lido to Harefield Church four miles and yeah we're going to walk along the side of it until we get to there's a pathway here somewhere it goes across a field looks like or that's through the woods isn't it

yeah so we're walking kind of alongside the road right now and we'll stick to that Rice Lipp Woods dates back to the Norman invasion 1066 yeah and that's when some bloke called Ethel or something of that sort of nature. Bobby Ethelwood. Oh, I saw him do his special on

on YouTube. They put it straight on YouTube. It's because it's very racist. Racist material. Bobble Ethelwoods. Bobby, Bobby. Bobby Ethelwoods. Can't do another comedian called Bobby. Oh, they're all called Bobby. I want to take a picture of this too. Hang on. Because I like this, bitch. I want to take a picture. What a mad spot. We really are losing

the light. The lanterns have come on. Well, whatever. Here I am. I've got the mic, everyone. Paul's taking some shots. As always, you can find photographs to accompany our walkabout episode on the website. www. You don't fucking know. Cheapshot.com.

Cheapsho.com. The cheap show. The UK. Let's carry on. So, yeah, we're going past this pizza and carvery, Water's Edge. Up here's where the train station is. Because you can get the pizza and then you can put some of the carvery on the pizza,

couldn't you? Extra bit of chip. chicken or mushroom or sausage. Or like one of those very thin slices of roast beef. We keep coming back to the beef. What's that? There's some kind of sculpture. Yeah, it's a little wooden sculpture kind of like a stargate.

It looks like, yeah, like a portal. Like a wooden star. It looks like a fucking hippie-style stargate. Yeah. Like you can, all hippie aliens will come through going, hey man, don't do war because it's like our future, man. Yeah, man. And like he shouldn't have blown up the pyramid.

Why don't you take a picture of it or something? Fuck it, there's not enough light. Oh, there you go. Well, I tell you what, I took a picture of it when I went last year earlier. So I just put a picture of that in on this website. Yeah, the special... Now, hang on. I want to make sure we're not...

This is it. It's up there. Wait, hang on. Because I don't know how far up we go. Look, here we are. We're here. We're here. No, we're not, because that's on the other side of the lake. Is it? We need to ignore that yellow path and look at the blue path now.

And I don't know if we've... You're joking. No, no, we're here. We're here. that's the parking that's the parking parking there that's no parking there that there that's there there that's the side of the lake I'm confused I just don't want to miss this turn off through the wood I just admit I've got I'm good at directions and I'm not saying you're not I'm just saying real feel for it and you made a big

booby today with the fucking tube map so be fair that's pre-episode that's a fuck up of my own accord that does not reflect directly on this content yeah You're like, no, you should have got that one to Amazon. I don't know. You completely whiff dick in them. Oh, whiff dick in them. I whiff dick and Dom every single fucking week. Oh, my dick whiffs of fucking doom.

Every day with Dick and Dom, they get on their knees and suck in my plums. Now, I hope there's not a lot of wind noise for everyone. Well, I've got me muff on. There's some giant teddy bear. Yeah. Well, this is where the train track is for the mini. Turntable tea room. Willow.

I do a turntable. The train gets to get to get. It's on a turntable? Yeah, because it has to. Because look, Willow Lane Station and Turntable Tea Room. We can go past it and you can have a look. Mate, last time I was here, it says you can train to be a train driver here. And I was thinking, maybe I should do that.

Maybe my life is leading to this moment where I... You've got a miniature train driver. Yeah, no, a miniature train driver. That's what I want. I don't lose. So the mission to take a piss, we should do it now. I don't think they're open though now. Yeah, look at they are.

Are they? Are they? Is it? It isn't all. all right cool in that case it stop the recording we're going to drain it there we go pission accomplished should I record in my way in oh it's a small urinal I'm gonna wait

no it's too low and I don't like it I don't like the we in in low toilets I want to use the urinal so finish up it's yourinal fine man yeah I'm fine. I'm having a problem with cold fingers on under side of the full set. Or don't keep it to the shaft and you'll be fine. I haven't got room. Not working with a lot.

Are you recording this? No. Right everyone. We have now passed the, we went for a piss and it was textbook. Absolutely couldn't be happier with it. And now we're walking along the RISLIP path because I think we cross these train tracks, which we're at now. We're on a little train crossing on the miniature train.

tracks and up there we can see Santa's left his sled with all the presence in it. Yeah. I don't like it. Oh look, one of these signs do not know... Authorised personnel from this point on. Look at the bloke who's there. He's like George Best is trying to... Well, no, it looks more like Brucey.

It's about to just start the generation game. I love the way that those... I've talked about the Moomin' dog around near me. You get a lot of that. But that guy is in the wrong... That silhouette that they use to this day is in the wrong... is in the wrong clothing for this era, isn't he? It's the guy out of the 70s.

I'm going to... You take a picture. So anyway, we're crossing the railway track to the mini model Lido railway. And along the route, there's all like snowmen and Santa stuff. So even though I think it's seasonal, they must have a train Christmas journey path.

Hang on, here's a thing. Raise that, move that, job done. So here's the thing. We're leaving the Ryslip route now. but we're heading into somewhere called Mad Best Woods and we've accidentally stumbled upon a ghost story Eli because Mad Best Woods is a spooky tale and the woods are named after a mad woman called Best

what? It's a little siding, yeah. Siding that's where the Santa can shunt stuff in the side. So yeah there's those little Christmas things along the route so it looks like they've got a little kind of Santa's railway journey going on which is absolutely lovely no we go this way I think this is mad best woods I hope so anyway you know what let me regard the map because I think it's this hang on let me hang on there's going to be a lot of noise right hang on one two three four the mad best wood is also a very well-known brand of wood

bad best wood yeah like aren't best best his pies right okay so you don't have anything to add then okay continue on the path as far as duck hill road to the edge of the wood cross the road to the pedestrian horse crossing and enter mad best woods keep along the main footpath of the wood this must be it well no because we were meant to walk along this must be it this this must be it right should i check the map with me googles to see actually where we are all right look at then because we're either going to go right off the beaten track now all we're on the right path so let me actually do the old Google Maps mr. Silverman see what we've got I'm zooming in yeah I think this is it I think this might be it then but the

maps just says to go across it like straight across there have you noticed has been no signs for the Hillingdon Trail since we joined the Lido. That's what my worry is. There's a bench there. There's a bench there. And I wonder if we go this way or up that way. Because... I think we go up this way a bit more and then...

I don't know. I think that's best... That is... I think this... No, I think this is what we're in right now is mad bed... You're making mad paul woods. What? I'll be a mad paul in the woods if you're not careful.

Careful how? Uh... I don't know. we're going in the right general direction but I don't know about the Hillingham well there's no signs for the trailer at all right now that's why I'm a bit concerned further up that's what I'm saying

we might find one here we're not going to find one here because this isn't the right path it's further up I'm willing to go off road with you here but I am with too and I think that's what we're meant to do but go northwest for 230 metres continue on the path to Dux Hill Road to the edge of the wood cross the road with a pedestrian horse crossing

and Ed's a Mad Best Wood. Keep along the main footpath. Cross the old green lane, surviving portion of the lane. Jackson's lane. Keep all the straight. This ain't nobody's main footpath? I mean, I just don't know. It's up there and to the left.

No, but we're not meant to be going up and to the left or we're meant to be going straight across, see? No, but up here, look. Yeah. We didn't cross this river yet. We're up here somewhere. That's not a river, that's a road. We haven't crossed that road yet.

We're up here somewhere. So we should go up that way? Yes. Because I know if we go on the light there, we'll just go root around. Yeah, we don't want to do that. Oh, it's getting dark now, and it's getting spooky,

because we're in the spooky woods. Mad Best. If we spotted Mad Best, we might have to relaunch the podcast as some kind of money-grifting supernatural thing. Yeah, we should do that because it's fucking easy to do and makes a lot of money.

As long as you've got no morals, have an inflated sense of ego and proclaim to be an expert in something that absolutely does not exist, then yeah, you're going to be all right in that industry. Well, you're almost two-thirds of the way there yourself, Horst.

Marvelous, isn't it? Why are you doing Bruce? I'm going to put my glasses on. Yeah, because now that you fucking mention that sign, all I can think about is being told not to cross Bruce's path. I've got to, hang on. You wouldn't like me if I'm angry?

You're angry if I wouldn't? I'll tear your head off your shoulders to shoulders to head off tonight. Now today. Right, my best ghost story. Do you want to hear it? Uh, beware of Mad Bess, Watford Observer. Less than 15 miles from central London,

Harefield is surrounded by agricultural farmland. The Saxons, having cleared away the forests. Sadly, Harefield's image became tarnished in the 19th century when 28 of its inhabitants died of scarlet fever due to reluctance to supply sewage. Uh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The path has been trodden for centuries. More so in the olden days when people had no touch.

but to walk. Duck's Hill is probably named after William Duck, who lived there in the 16th century. A bridleway leads from the road through Ryslet Woods, which predate, which date back to prehistory. Before history. Yeah. In keeping with the local custom, William the Conqueror gave Ryslip to Ernolf de Heston. That's the guy I was talking about. And passed it to many others thereafter. The woodland walk is excellent, with many choices of routes. Mine was to emerge on the main road again which I passed into Mad Bess Wood onto the Hillingdon Trail. Mad Bess, here we get to the good stuff, was the wife

of a 16th century gameskeeper, a demented old woman who proud the woods at night looking for poachers. Beware Mad Bess was the poacher's motto and with good cause by the sound of it. But that's the thing, it doesn't tell you what she's done. She just says she roams them and we're not poaching so we shouldn't see Mad Bess

but it is getting dark and now I'm a little bit frightened it's really getting gloomy honestly most of the story on mad best is just that a poach's wife who was mad probably some old mad lady rather than a ghost

you don't mean yeah it's not the ghost they just do that after a certain amount of years has passed doesn't it becomes a ghost yeah it's like that mad old cow who ruins us running in the woods for poaching now she horns

the place long after her death. Right. I hope we're on the right part. I don't know anymore. Because now it's just like we're going into the wood. Some scrubland. I'd like a sign that says this is the Healingdon Trail.

It's hasn't been one for too long now. No. How would we get out of here as well? Mad Best Wood is part of Rizletwood Nature Reserve and consists of 139 acres of woodland made up of smaller woods. Named after a local gameskeeper wife who lived nearby in the 18th century.

imagine that oh they named the wood after you love did they right slip no that's the place yeah what no rice slip is a village though a town yeah rice slip what's what's you said it's named after a lady no the mad best wood is oh mad best mad best wood is named after a lady and imagine that you're in heaven your best and goes oh you heard that they've named the wood after you oh that's lovely i used to love that wood when i was alive well what's the name of the wood Bess Wood? No. Mad best. Mad, crazy mad bitch wood.

Oh, I chase one poacher off my property once with a stick. Fanny B-ponging best wood. Fanny B-Wod. Fanny B-ponging wood. And I've heard them, oh, this is very, very muddy here. There's a plank there, but do I go around? Oh, I can't, oh, went round the edge. Oh, mate, this is now very mulchy, spooky wood. and I think we're running out of path.

Oh, there's another gate here. Well, this is a thing I don't know. There's no sign. There's a bench. I've got to take these glasses off again because I can't fucking see with them on. As a long-sighted man, I just need them for reading my phone. See, that big huge path up that way, mate.

And then there's this one up here. We're going to check and this one there. And there's another path here. Stai. All I know is that we've got to go through Best Wood. But right now, I don't know what part of Best Wood we're in and how we get across it. Oh, yeah, where are we?

Show you that map again? Oh, we've gone right over the top. We should have... We should just go straight this way then. Because we should be going that way. Straight across. Yeah. Otherwise, we're going too far north.

Should you take this path? Or do we take the crooked style? Let's try that crooked style. Oh, mate, this is a Christmas spooky wall. now we're in the spooky woods and it's getting dark we've still got a good two miles to hairwood yeah we're about halfway i reckon this isn't private property you don't think is it well look if it's a style it's a style well then it's meant to be crossed is it oh yeah oh i think we're meant to uh oh there's a sign oh yeah oh oh yeah oh yeah

Oh, so Christ, all right, so, well, it just says public footpath, public footpath, public footpath, public footpath. We're on at least we're on a public path. Yeah, this is the right direction. All right. That one, that's not a public footpath down there, though. No. It's very spooky. But I get a few.

I think we should push on whilst we saw it from life. It may, it's scary. I've never been in the woods and a spooky woods. Now, this is definitely mad best woods, mate. Oh, I like it. I like it. There's still some light in the sky, very gloomy now. If you listen carefully, the legend says you can hear it, uh, shouting in the dark.

Oh, yeah? Can, poacher can. Yeah. I want you poacher, the fish. I'll put it in my fanny. That's why my fanny's so pungy. Yeah. That's what they say.

I'll confiscate fish and put it. my fanny tight with it and then that's why they say they can smell very verbose for a ghost aren't you smell old bett's old poaching fishy fanny all right well i think we've made the point abundantly clear now eli although they say people who get lost in the woods were pure of heart if they follow the smell of fish they'll they can get out oh my best is clunge well this path definitely goes yeah it's definitely going oh there's deep spooky wood you love it this is Christmas in it Christmas ghost stories and shit let's just hope we don't actually see some kind of deranged old lady because what a young lady it's cool it's a very straight path I think this is the

right path mate because it's very straight if you look at the member on the map what are you looking at I genuinely thought I saw a little old lady then well not like a little old lady but like someone hunched over. Did I... Or was it a dog? There was definitely something that looked hunched over like dipping between the trays.

It wasn't a squirrel or anything like that because it was quite big. That was so funny that I saw that. Unless it's someone in the wood, of course, just a normal person. Going for a jog or something. And not mad best. I tell you what?

Oh, I fancy a poet. I'm going to do some poaching. Oh, I can't wait to poach. What can I poach round there? What's good for poaching? I like poaching wild fowl. Wild fowl. Yeah.

Oh, that's what pissed me off earlier. What? You know, in like garages and service stations, you get wild bean cafe, that's the coffee thing. You don't want wild beans. You have to cultivate coffee. It's the opposite of something wild. What is the wild doing in that name?

I don't want wild coffee Because it says jungle And then jungle says peculiar roast And then that infers special coffee When actually it's all machine made muck with fake milk So I wouldn't worry too much about it It's like, is Starbucks got anything to really to do With one of the characters from Moby Dick?

Not really. No, but I'm just saying wild You're talking about the bean specifically? My latest have come undone. They do better to say highly-collar. cultivated and delicious be. My laces have come on done. I'll hold the thing.

No, we're going to stop now because I've been recording for 20 days in the wood. 16 minutes this segment's been. Get them done up. And it's getting dark. I'm going to do my laces and you can follow us a little bit further up the chases.

A little bit. In a little bit. Turn it off. Thank you. Mate, mate, mate, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Do you hear that? I can hear nothing, I hear a plane. Listen carefully, can you hear that?

No, I can't, I don't. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. I swear there's something over there. You can hear it. Stop fucking me around, man. The ball, stop. Shh, shh, shh, shh. Let's just go, let's go.

That's laughter. That's fucking laughter. I can't hear any of that. I can't hear that. You can't hear that? Listen, listen, listen. You smoked that joint too quickly. Sh, you smoked that joint. You did it in one, that inhalation, mate. You're fucking, you're tired. I can't hear anything. Quiet, quiet. You're fucking freaking me out now.

Yeah, I did hear that. It's like, it must be like a gate or something. That's not a gate. That's someone fucking laughing or something. No, no, no, no, no, no. There's someone over there? Let's go. That was someone making a step.

Right, let's get out of here. Have I got my stuff? Have you got your stuff? Get your stuff. Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's get back on the path. Let's get back on the path. Maze. Maze. I'm not even joking. I definitely have footsteps just then ahead.

It might be another person walking about but mate this is really freaking me out now. Of course it could be animals. I can't forget that. There's deer and everything. This is... Rice-lipped wood is... Well this is Slip Mad Bestwood still. It's the first nature reserve in London. Is it?

Yeah. Oh, fair enough. Oh, fair enough. Pre-history. What do you mean by pre-history? Anyway, sorry, we... We started writing down history. Oh, that's what they mean?

Like 5,000 years ago. Well, then, we're walking through 5,000-year-old woods, then, aren't we? At least 5,000. Something like that. Anyway, just so after that little... The historical epoch is like 20,000 years. Okay. So pre-20,000 years.

We're walking through pre-20,000 year wood then. Nice. So, yeah, after that little spooky moment, we're back on the path and we're heading straight through the middle of Mad Best Wood until we get to, like, Duck Hill Lane or something. I'll check the map onto there because right now, it's dark. Oh, it's dark, baby. I don't know how we've got quite a long way to go still, to hearwood.

Yeah, we're more than halfway. So I reckon we could do this whole section of the, whole section of the map. I'm looking on the right track still. Yes. We literally cut right the way through the middle. I don't want to be in the woods after dark. Why not?

Case of Mad Best get you? Yeah. Might get lucky with Mad Beth. Also, Paul, I think... What? I think what we heard is a response to... I saw a dead mouse. I was going to...

I put it in my pocket. Don't start picking up dead animals. I've told you. That's what's set best on us. Because you were poaching a mouse. Yeah. I was going to say, I was going to do a funny bit with it. I don't know where it is now.

What funny bit you're going to do with a mouse, dead mouse? Like, you know, like Drexel or Keith. Here's my impression of, here's a cut price budget, Richard Gere impression. Oh, I'm like lemmy winks. That's... What, it's a myth, yeah? Yeah, it's total myth. And I think you should apologise to Mr. Gear.

Well, there was that famous... Is it a 1960s radio clip from America? With some guy called in, and it's obviously a fake call in the... end but basically he was saying how he got a hamster stuck up his bottom right and the how did that get associated with richard gear well i don't know but like it seems to be that was a whole thing people have done oh yeah they don't well yeah lemmy wings but is that what it's called lemmy no lemmy wings is the south park spoof for the whole thing but um no the point i was going to make i forgot the fucking point it's going to make because you always interrupt me with your assinine

interjections i'm sorry what was i talking about that's why people oh some shit what was i talking about richard gear right oh yeah so the guy he was calling and he was saying yeah i put a hamster at my bottom for sexual purposes and the journalist on the radio station was like oh my god really giggling and giggling and it cuts to the base of the point sign which was he stuck a toilet roll up there to help get it out couldn't see it lit a match to try and see where the thing is made a rocket and then it fired the hamster out oh you can't go that way i can't go that way none of that was good anyway don't stick is approaching i think anyway don't stick small animals at your ass it's not cool

can we what yeah i can hear the traffic i'll see if i'm get rid of the road the mouse get rid of it now before mad best gets us because honestly i know i must be able to smell poached animals yeah on the winds maybe she's after my bollocks mate because they're poached eggs ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha go woo just no go woo no i will not woo for that Woo! No, there's a certain bottom. Woo! Oh yes, bottom.

There's a bottom. There is a bottom. My poached eggs. There is a pun. Mad best of my poach eggs. There is a joke level below which I will not woo. Okay? Woo.

No. If mad best, she goes woo-o-o-o-o-o. Doesn't she? Because she's a ghost. That gets a woo. Yeah, that's woo-like. Woo-adjacent. Wu-Tang Clan.

Woo. Fu-manchu. No, you see, you have to go. something racist it's not racist it's very soft it's very soft oh okay I'm gonna go round where there's thicker ah my eyes I got a branch in my eyes I'm going round I can see ow I set for my good eye oh the other eye oh is it okay I'm going around I shouldn't you're right I shouldn't have done this I can't see and I'm walking through everything oh

Ow! Oh my eyes! I'm trapped, Eli! Come to the path! Ow! Come to the path! I'm coming back. Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! I should have just stuck to the path. Oh! Generally, I've wrapped... both my eyes with different.

branches can't see nothing right we crossed this road one last little wood we're done that's a my eyes oh my wood it's wet it's wet right okay there's the road ahead of us ah have I got a leaf in my eye mate you might be blinded by best This is rage. Do you reckon that was the curse of Mad Best? Did you put that mouse down? No, I can't find it. Well, then you don't have it, so then we're safe.

You didn't put it in your bag, did you? It might be in there. Why would you put a dead mouse in your bag? It was quite dry. It was like fossilised. It wouldn't have been. It's too wet. It's too wet.

That's not a dead mouse. It's a stone. You've picked up a stone. We're safe. Mad Bess. We're nearly free of Mad Bess as wood. There's a big embankment there. It's up to the road.

It doesn't seem to be crows. crossing watch out there's something in the path there is there no it's a slight dip it's really it's that that sort of thin layer of mud do you know what I mean that makes it extra slippy it's really bad like thin layers of ice on the ground yeah well we did we've touched we've touched enough wood today I've had a lot of wood old best is wood This way? I mean there's a path that way.

I can't see shit now. I can see the road. Oh yeah, here we go. Oh yeah, here we go. Yeah, here we go. Alright, let's get across this road and then see where the journey takes us. Yeah, here we go, here's the pathway.

Okay, we're free from the wood, we're out the wood. Oh, Jesus. Shit. All right, even though it is not even 6 o'clock in the evening yet, it is absolutely pitch black on this walk. We have now entered Rizelette Woods after a short detour on a main road, an A road. Very busy. Very busy. Well, everyone's coming home from where. work or leaving London or... I don't like walking along with a video road.

No. This is a bit dark and squelchy from the likes of me. But we're fit for it. And do you think we can get there? And this walk we're doing... I got attacked by a fucking branch or tree. It wrapped around me.

It's clutches. Paul? It's clutches. This whole thing we're doing is a big detour to the end of this wooden back up again. You know that from that. Yeah. Okay. We're doing the trail.

We've already skipped like 20% of it just to get started. I need to piss. Well go piss, there's plenty of places. Turn off the recording device. I'll turn it off once you start pissing. I'll turn it off the minute. Is that the new gadget you've got?

As soon as you're in, it enters the air. It's AI piss reduction setting. I fucking would buy that. Look at that hole there. What is that hole? That's a fucking like a pipe. That would break your leg. All I'm saying is just fucking be careful. I am being careful, more careful than you are.

Even though I've just been molested by like 20 trees. Well, I am being more. I am being more. Say it under your breath. You don't know what I'm just... Like a 10-year-old. Oh. I did do my homework.

You're more like I tell you on to me. I'll say that under my breath as well. I hate you. I hate you. I hate that, duck. There's moths. Have you noticed? Yeah, because you've got your fucking torchite out.

Yeah, but you think... What? Did you hear that? No. What? Mate, stop giving me the willies. I've already spooked out by this part of the walk already. Can we not do this?

No, stop. This is why are you such a gutless coward? Every time there's a tiny, tiny bit of adventure or threat, you're like, I'm out. I can't do this. Well, you don't put anything in your mouth anymore. Do you? You wouldn't even taste the bread the other day on the off-brown brand off.

You're like, no, I don't care, not tasting anything. That's different, though. I don't care. Also, you're talking about just like putting leaves. leaves in your mouth. That's not the same thing. That's what you should not do in the first place. No, I'm not. You are? No, that, anyway, whatever. You didn't understand what I said. It's all right, I don't understand what you say. Honestly, mate, it's too sloppy.

Mate, it's cold. My shoes are wet, fruit. There we go. And where does the water seep to? Up your socks to where? To the hens. To the hens. It's raining again. Eli Hemsworth is here. It's raining again. It's raining quite badly. Luckily, I've got this waterproof jacket. It's very good. You're all right, gold, man. You're just fucking talking to yourself.

Right, oh, wait on, sign. Put the point at the sign. What does that say? Oh, it's at a crossroads, which literally doesn't help us. You're going to have to look at the map, mate, and it's going to get soaked through. Well, what do we do?

God. Right. Keep going down there or go up there? Hang on, I need to get the map out. I'll check my map. You haven't got a map. I've got the printout. You just shand a light on my paper.

Okay. Don't get it too wet. It's already quite sodden. Right. Brakes me row, enter the thing. Continue on the main drive, down past the pond, leave the pond using the path going up, the steep slope to the main picnic area.

Stay on this path. I haven't seen a fucking picnic area of you. Maybe it's just there. Continue west to the edge of the wood and pass the entrance to Tarleton's Lake Nature Reserve to the style. Don't take the light away. that to read information.

Fuck. Old driveway to Breakspeer House. Go over the style, follow it through, blah, blah, blah. Right, so I don't know. It doesn't help us. Should I look for Breakspeer House?

Shine light on the thing again. Just the visual map. Yeah, maybe do a thing for Breakspeer House. If we can get there, we can make it anywhere. Break House, Braggs' house, Braggshaus.

Yeah, I look for Breakspeer House. Then I'll shine a light. All right. Well, then, yeah, I'm just standing here in the dark now. Yes. in the middle of the wood with a strange man. I've never, in all my days, been in such a spooky place. Look, see how the pathways are just swarmed by the trees

and they're leaning over. Breastere Crematorium? No, it just says Breakspeer House. Brakespeer House. There's a picnic area which we haven't walked past. Yeah. So straight across. Destination is outside London.

It certainly is. that seems like much further than we are away from it why isn't your map working is it only for london yeah because we're outside london well then put the light on so i can look at this again numb nuts all right i feel like you're panicking a bit i'm not panicking i'm just getting impatient the anger see look the map says we go all the way down south and across i reckon we're cutting across we're not following the path properly so i reckon we just go up that way because we're going to go west anyway aren't we

yeah so let's just go west that's that way No, that's north. Because we were going south from there. Where do you want to go? I want to go straight across. I think if you go straight across, we'll cut through the wood. What direction do you want to go, though? That's south.

Wait. Which? So it's that way then. We should go this way where that blue point was pointing. That's us. The blue point is us. But that cone ahead of it. That's our direction.

That's why we should go this way, because I think we're cutting across directly. Yeah. Like we did with the mad woods. That's west. Yes. Yes. Okay, good. Did I say, well?

West? Gannon said West. I made a decision. I made a very good decision. Follow me everyone. I know where we're going. I love this. Look how spooky this is. Very spooky. Oh, where's Eli? I'm going to catch up with him. Oh, don't leave me. Wow. It's spooky. I love it. I love it. Don't straighten the path, mate. Don't straight. Don't straight. the path boys no because oh right i was going to put this in my pocket i'd just as soon not be in a wood why not it's fun spooky it's an adventure we're having an adventure but you like adventures you can't sew like your mum oh another sign oh another sign as your mum comes out oh oh yeah it's just says public footpath public foot path i guess we are yeah we keep cutting across to the

you think I honestly I think that's the best course of action yeah yeah because we have to leave by the north of this wood so what we're doing was going west and then we'll go north again yeah something like that anyway let's carry on walking in this in this spooky wood oh I mean I'm loving this walk I'm absolutely loving to this walk oh shit oh no got deep there didn't it got very deep that's what I'm saying you need to keep an eye on the fucking floor mate what if we came across like a sacrifice you know like a satanic panic sacrifice and we saw it would be satanic justified fear yeah

satanic rational fear of something dangerous uh yeah oh i was just listening to an occult uh based rock and psychedelia playlist right yesterday like i said we mentioned coven the band they were actually a witch band weren't they yeah like officially and they did tin soldier which was they kind of sell out almost. It was a Christian song, wasn't it? Was it? Something like that. Either way, it was a sellout. I had the one called Black Sabbath. They have a song called Black Sabbath, which is extremely witchy, basically.

So the Black Sabbath get their name from just the term Black Sabbath? They took it from the Mario Barber film. Oh, that's right, yeah. Anyway, imagine if we saw that. Which is like a three-piece, what do they call those films? What? You know, like... Jallo?

No, that the structure is loads of little stories. Oh, like, yeah. Port Manto movie. Yeah, whatever. It's a portmanteau, barver, not very good. Anyway, we're in the wood and it's spooky and I'm loving it. So I think we're going to walk for a bit and stop talking. And just enjoy you this spooky, spooky, spooky Christmas walkie wood.

Christmas spooky wooky wauwaw wood. Indeed. Warky woo-waw wood. Wanderers. Cheap show Wanderers, spooky wintry wu-waw-Waw Wood. Ewa-Woo-Woo-W-W-W-Sticking. Sticking up your choochard to get the pooks are at the town. Ewa-woo-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W.

Get out of here. Gave me the Wibbles! Right, we have walked quite deeply into RISLIP-Woods, but finally, after taking a few guesstimations we are close to what is it called Bleak Street Wood Brakespeare

Because I think Brakespeare house is up that way a little bit We're in the break spear kind of neck of the wood Fucking hell Jesus Christ It is very soft

and muddy on the foot Eli has urinated and I think it's In the spirit of Christmas and goodwill I didn't recall I can't fuck it I know

I'm careful There's lots of rutted roots. Yeah, hang on. I've split my legs across the puddle now. Hang on. This way, this way, this way, this way, this way, this way, this way. Keep running. Momentum is good. Momentum keeps me upright. Oh, no, it doesn't. Right, now I'm all right. Oh, I felt a big squish of mud go right up my calf. Well, you'll have to have a nice bath. Oh, I'm going to have a lovely bath. Now I'll start editing this. Anyway, I was just saying, because of Christmas and Goodwill, I didn't. decide to record Eli yorinating up a tree. I think that says a lot for my Christmas spirit. No, stop, they're fucking, stop walking pool. That was a deep puddle of mud and we both walked through then. Oh, they come out of nowhere. But these are destroyed these shoes. Yeah, these are. I need a nice clean puddle to just wash off the excess of garbage. Splushage.

Watch out for the logs and shit, man. Anyway, we're coming to, we're coming to the point now where. We're coming to the road, aren't we? Look, there's a road crossing the path up there yeah that's where we're heading to this road and then we're out then then we're done with woods then we can just walk to hairfield really through some little side streets and stuff yeah okay we're going back to that sort of stuff yeah i mean this is what i'm saying we need to get to a point now where we need to put a pin in the map and go right we're stopping as much as we'd like to go on we've had a good walk today watch your feet i'm watching so i'm thinking we start to think about wrapping it up soon yeah where's the path now fuck's sake just keep walking until we hit the

road oh that went right between me legs why there's always happened to me oh that was the right height to just twang my bum hole oh what's that there's a bottle in there someone's out someone's had a drink and left a bottle it's probably special special brew special reserve it's port or something like that christ branded god it's nasty port in the woods right so we just keep walking this direction until we hit the road job done and then i'll get the map out and then we'll come up with our finale how about that is that all right fine Very sloshy. I like sloshy. I like mushy. I like bloby. I like gooey, sticky. Splodgy. Yeah. Gelatinous, mulchy. Muccoid. Grubbly. In fact, oh, oh, this is very soft on the foot.

Oh, we're nearly shatman pads then. Oh, oh, oh. That can't be our finale. What's the floor? Me squirted at a little bit of brown matter. How much you've committed to beefing off during this whole episode? Cut to three months ago, Paul Ganna will no longer be keeping thoughts in this week's up in podcast episodes. And then I've just filled this episode with Christmas beef, Eli. It's a Christmas beef. What?

How do we get to the road? Up here somehow. Is there? No. Is there? The path has run out. Yeah. It's like we're so close and yet so far.

I'll tell you what, Eli, you lead on. Watch out for this. All right. No, this is a thicket. No. Right, where's the flipping path? Maybe it's, we go this way a bit. Or that way a bit.

Mate, we're so close. How do we get off? How do we get out of it? Oh dear I know because we're no where we are won't get us on the road I'm going to go back to the path and go right this one that we were on see this well-worn trodden mulchy fibbagey kind of slop yeah it goes that way let's do it because this will take us through the road look there's a there's a light street light we found the park well I found the path thank you Your toxicity comes out of you, doesn't it? Yeah. It oozes out the pores of every poor of you. It's just because I want to be right all the time.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I can't. Look, this is a river. Yeah. This is a problem. No, we're going along it. There's a little bridge. Look, see. It's a bridge? Uh, yeah.

There ain't no bridge, maybe. Well, look, we're very close to the road. Oh, mate, what if we're... Is that a bridge? No, yes. Is that a bridge? Yes. Careful, though.

It might have to be a load. oh what is that oh oh yeah it's a little bridgelet you can see and this will take us out yeah up ahead up ahead Jesus what a mission this is a mission you wonder if there's any geocaches around here i wouldn't be surprised but i'm also not getting the app out so maybe next time right we're almost home everyone geocaching in the dark geocassion in the USA did that come for your head as well

yeah it did weird i think that's because we love each other and we often we've worked together so long now we can finish each other's sentences hand jobs off hand job oh that doesn't even make sense i know i should have just said off you can finish each other's off i don't know who right there's a path there's an actual path It's a path. No, it's a path. Yeah, this is the best path we've had. There's a sign.

We've done it. We've done, is here. Yeah, look, here's a proper road. Oh, where are we? Yeah, rides at Wudge. Here we go. So there we do. Nature Reserve.

First in London. We've done all my best wood. There's fungi. Copswood. There's insects. There's trees. There's birds. tree looks fucking heinously satanic, doesn't it?

You know what I mean? Can you shine a light on that while I take a photo of that. Yeah, you're trying to... Big gnarly tree branch. The communist trees and Rizelwoods are... The communist trees. The communist trees. That's what it says.

The communist trees in Risenwood. No, you think of the fan. Carl... Engels. Footpath. Carl Footpath marks. Socialism. Social. social...

Red. Red. Redwood. Redwood. Yeah, there's a redwood. Communist trees. There's lots of redwoods. Yes! Woo!

Sorry, everyone. Can I just apologize to everyone? Woods are common... What does I say? What does I say? Pedunculate oak. Pedunculate. Yeah, pedunculate.

That is a good word. Pedunculate. Why is it... Everything's so good today? Like finding the mad best thing. Sessile oak. And that word, pedunculate. It says pedunculate.

Padonka-donculate. Pachonculate. Aspir. There's like, yeah, a podunculate. My best belong to St. Catherine's Manor. I've heard she was pedunculate in the downstairs regions. I think you need to know when to. Stop while you're ahead.

She had pendulous labias. Pedunculus labia. Look at that pedunculus labia. I know, I'm not, I know, pedunculus labia. That's my new prog metal band. Right. More on the doom side. Oh shit.

Make it real cheap. No, we've got to be careful. We've got to be in it. Because we've got to go through this wood. No, we've got to go through this wood. Then we're done. Really? Yeah.

Cross. Cross. Cross. They run your ass over. Is this it? Yeah. Public foot path. Yeah.

and then we're done then we can call this out yeah this is a road for you don't be walking along the road yeah we do because this is how we get into the wood are you sure and it says public footpath right there is it by the side of the field here or in the road it's right in the middle of it all right we're good final stretch of the woods we're off for our christmas wintry woo-woo walk about in the woods woo woo woo woo about half six and as we record this we are walking upon the most squidgy and potentially wettest and oh deepest slimy bog walk path so we ended up going into the rislet wood which was a mistake because that's not on

the path it looked like fucking camp crystal lake and now we're walking along this path which will take us to herefield where i think in about 40 minutes we'll be done so we are on the vinegar strokes of this walk everyone eli how are you going in your delicate moccasins for this walk really bad that was really hairy if i was going to break my leg because it was like a gully like a little valley it's still pretty fucking bad here mate it's getting bad again i'm trying to mat breed as well i know but the route we're going is 11 minutes slower than walking along the main road so there you go right i mean we could do the main road we could have it's too late now and also oh i've got me little reading light i'm going to use that instead see so

are you using that man the fire yeah it's light enough for what i need and it saves my battery on the phone which is you know on its ass you've got to keep moving man got to keep moving this has been one of the darkest uh walks we've done and with the most intense map breeding from both of us. Oh, it's been a heavy map reading. And the mud just keeps coming. Oh, we're going to go around that. Oh, go on you first.

That's a huge one. Go on you first. I'm going to go around this side. Oh, it went in my shoe. Oh, that's fine. You're not an adventure if you can't get bumps and scrapes. It's a proper muddy adventure. I just hope it ends this mudded section.

Oh, I don't know. Another muddy. Another muddy bit. you bit. We shouldn't be doing this. Well, I can because I've got suitable shoes. You, however. We shouldn't be doing this.

That's what our listeners love, though. They love listening to us and struggle through. We're in the middle of nowhere. We're not in the middle of nowhere. We know exactly where we are. There's a maiden road over there. We can see traffic. What?

Stop being a baby. We're nearly done. We're literally nearly done. We just got to get through. Got to get through this. and it's coming it's getting better now all right we're just going to get through this mulchy patch and then we're probably on the home straight yeah it's going to be fine it's going to be fine I have full confidence that we all come out of this

stronger the route there so we're there look we're going to take a left go ooh no we're not eight minutes slower no we're going to follow the blue dots not we're not we're not following the blue dots we are we need to that's the chee that's the quicker route but look we've already started following the grey route well then that's your fault then yeah but that's what we're doing right otherwise we have to go back and get onto the main road no we're going to commit to this now this is the final the final push eli our last walk of 2025 it should be our most challenging can you even remember what we did this year uh we did the new river yes we did Crystal Palace Crystal Palace

That's the die-hard episode thing. Right. We've done loads of walks this year. I know, but I'm just saying. I'm trying to remember my own life here, you know? It's hard when you do weekly episodes, and it all blurs into one. It's like when people reference something from episode like 78 or 207, and you think, I don't know. I know, and I think that is compounded by the fact that we improvise.

So we, you know, it comes, it goes, comes out your mouth, just disappeared. You said it, you know, snarkle-feared, or something like that. Gone. Canarklefeard. Canarklefeard? I like the word. I got into say it. I like the word.

It's canarkle feared. I'll tell you what walk about episodes we've done. Hang on, I can tell you now. All right, let's keep moving, though. We'll never get to Harefield, otherwise. We'll never get to heaven in a cheeky boy. All right, so we did the trip to Norwich. That was a walk about episode,

and then it became the Takashi's Castle board game thing. Okay. So that's one. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. Oh, oh, no, Helai said come around here. Oh, no. Yeah, it's going to have to be this way, isn't it?

Slowly, slowly. Oh, shit. Whoa, nearly lost my shoe then. Oh, and that one. Oh, this, you know what, mate. Are you getting cold feet? Wet feet. Right, we did.

Nightbusson doesn't count. We did Norwich. We did. the geocaching picnic we did cemetery men when we went to that cemetery oh yeah we did

that was there non-eaten not non-heath office trip to Brighton was this year we went to Brighton I can remember the Amarato Sowers that we drank

The Crystal Palace We had brambles Oh the cocktails yeah Brambles Amaret of Sowers We did the Crystal Palace diard New River What was our third cocktail?

don't remember i don't think we did get a third we did we brambles oh maybe we didn't i think we just got because it was two for one we got two twos yeah so yeah the walk hard episode new river and then with a two part teddington tat hunt

teddington who can remember so we've done actually a fair few walks this year what was your favourite this one this one's coming to my favourite just because it is so kind of fucking spookums and odd and wintry but also I kind of like the Cemetery Mountain one

and I like the trip back to Brighton I think the Brighton return was a much better adventure for us We went on the ghost train Oh we went on the ghost train We didn't have to do anything that got in the way It was worth enjoying, do you know what I mean I mean it's a classic of that kind of pretz or dark ride thing Anyway

I'm just going to stop talking because I think we just need to get through this now this could be a oh spider web oh marty web right turn this off do you have any last thoughts before I do so don't get ominous

no I mean just like anything you want to say before you wrap up your favourite walker this year um did we do Regents Park this year as well no oh my god what's happened to life If you don't think about it, it doesn't happen to you We're going to keep on going

But I think I think the journey is close to its end For this final wintry-wondry Woodland walk Doesn't feel very wintry I feel wintry I mean it's not If the temperature is very good

For walking is what I'm saying I don't know it's all the atmosphere I found wintry Cunt If he said this was autumn I believe you It's autumn. I believe you.

Stop! Stop! I've got to like to jump! Fucking sweep part. The sweltsy podcast, I'll say that for it. Right, we are in a fucking field now. It got a bit muddy there, didn't it, to say the least? I'm not going to say a little bit.

Quite a big, huge, fucking load. Now the wind's come up. We go in the middle of a field. It's just like I said, take the, every time we think we should get off the trail, we're lowered back in. In this instance, we decided to go across the field because the grass would be better than that fucking muddy path. That muddy path would be, would have been a slightly shorter route, but this might be better for us in terms of walking. Yes. But fuck me.

Honestly, it's like American Wolf in fucking London this bit. We're literally stood in the middle of a field near fucking Harefield or whatever that fuck it is. There's barely any lights anywhere, it's dark. It's just a wind. Oh, blimey, mate. Oh, blimey, mate. Yeah, we follow this path.

It says keep the fence on the left and the field on the right. And then this will go over. And then this will go over and take us towards the church, Herefield Church, and then we're done. I think the church is it. We're done. I'm not doing no more now. Mate, I know.

I'm aware. Sorry if the recording quality is very blustery at this point, but I wanted you to get an idea. I've just what a fucking dog shit eventually this has become. I'm glad that we're in the long grass, so I'm going to get some of the excess mud off. That was too muddy. my feet was in pain

from just having to kind of keep myself steady. Yes, that's what I'm saying. You're going to have muscles in your legs aching tomorrow from that. We're re-balancing, constantly balancing. I'm not having a bath tonight, mate. But honestly, I don't think we've ever done a walk

that felt this fucking desolate. We've gone from spooky woods to just like, where the fuck are we? I know, it's quite a It's frightening. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere. We're going to have to get the air ambulance.

Oh. Is that you, keeps honking? Honking. Going, butong. No, that's you. It's got to be you. Because, hey, my phone's off right now, charging. So anyway.

I'll change my speaker off, though. Oh, that's what the sound is. Yeah, it's your speaker, I think, trying to connect. It's not important. Your speaker is not important. No, no, no, no. We stay here. We keep to this path.

we keep to this path mate I'm not I'm following what I know the wind has definitely picked up or perhaps it's just because we're in the open area the wind 6 in of the evening feels later doesn't it though yes I kind of got this like midnight vibe well I would say this is a beautiful walk but I can't see fucking any of it and I've had to stop taking pictures for our website because it's what you want to see we've still got half an hour of this to go but it's the last half hour we've got an end point in sight mate we're good there's a plain wave to it maybe it'll come and help us

where the fuck are we near hairwood where's hairwood answer me i'm frightened a fungus attacked me oh yeah you got those things on your and also attacked my jacket your lovely jacket pockets full of fucking crap all right well anyway we had a coffee break we've had numerous examples mate you know you said before we're not out the wood yet well at least we kind of are now literally and figuratively because i think we just keep to this path it comes out by a church job done we say goodbye and merry christmas this was our december wintry walk which i think has paid dividends it's a good walk but it's not we're not out of the woods yet no i do yeah woo i mean we are out of the woods literally in the old meaning yeah but not figuratively

no not figuratively why you keep stopping because every time we're making weight headway you stop to fish out mothballs from your pants not for the first time hey listener ho ho ho No, that's it. I'm not, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm at that point now where I've just tired and ratty. I know. We're both there, Paul. We're both there. I think, I think literally my mood changed at that sign for the trail that we were just at when I nearly went tip first into the mud trying to just fucking get down. Yeah. Yeah. Still, a perfect spiritual sequel to our Selendine walk. And if you ask me, I'm not. I've enjoyed this more than Selling Dean.

Torval and Dean, Eli. They've changed their name now, haven't they? Have they? I heard, maybe that was a dream. Are they married? I don't know. I know little about Torval and Dean, I'll be honest to you. I know they did the Olympics and the skating

and the Bolero, wasn't it? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. It's been really muddy again. Pearl and Dean. What's the name with that song? Go on, Eli, the old trivia. What's the name with the Perlin D music? Oh.

Oh, this is muddy. What do you say? Dysmog of fire? No. Oh no, no, no, no, no. This is not good. No, don't go that way. You're going to fall in.

Come back. Come back. We'll go the other way around it. This is a big fucking puddle. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Right, this, I think, Eli, that path we didn't take circumvents this bit. This.

Yes, but we have to be here now. Well, I'm going to go slowly sideways along this muddy batch. And everything's going up my ass. No. no this is no I don't know if this is a good idea oh shit in hell I'm holding on to the branches ah that's got nettles in oh no you know what hang on just this bit I'm an old a horsey right stop here hang on fuck this is it style is it style is a style Oh no

Oh no mate Is this where we're going to go? I'm going this way Should we? I don't know You have to consult the map man I am the map man You are the map man

I can get back on but we've gone We're not going Google way Right I'm going to check the map We're going to stop this because I can't do this and record this We're near the end and this is getting treacherous Pray for us listener pray

There you go. Thanks. So I think we made it, we had to go through that big puddle and it nearly cost us our lives. I couldn't have recorded and gone through that puddle at the same time. I would have gone in. There was a style, but there it had us to have feel we couldn't get out of because that would have been, see this fence here. Like that's what we might have gotten over. Yeah.

I don't fancy that, but here we are on the top of a hill. It's got a lovely view stretching out over a valley. Looking over, I presume here feel. presume hair field that looks like just like a motorway up there or something it might be those lines who knows me it's groovy it is groovy but i feel like i've got tetanus because a lot of those thorns went into my knees around the knees i can feel the piercings in my skin yeah my hands are scraped up and my face looks like i've had a fight with an ex so we're at the top of this hill i think we follow it down and then there's a road and then there's a church and i think that's it because it's a flashy

light place there but I just want to get home actually now I mean even when we get to somewhere we have to figure out home but we'll do it I think all those lights over there are all the HS2 shit yeah that is isn't it yeah can't escape it but anyway we're on the hill I think I think we're close to the end big hill it's called big hill big vert right yeah this episode's too long. We couldn't have ended at the Lido. We would have missed out on Mad Best Woods.

It's a two-parter. It's not a two-parter because next week has to be the office party. No one's going to want that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. Okay. Right, let's just carry on walking.

We're near the end. We're going to be close to a road. But right now, Eli and I stand the top of this field, gazing out on the nebulous direction we need to head to fucking out well put it's around the hairfield area I just want to see some civilisation

it's gotten a bit hairy we haven't seen fucking anyone I'd love to see like a wild bean cafe I'd forgive them for their wild bean name yeah yeah you know what I mean no I would I would love a coffee right now like that frankly a wild bean one

I'll take a wild bean it's wild I want to lick the wild I want to lick the wild bean. That sounds very problematic. Lick the wild bean. On my recent trip to the Amazon, I licked the wild bean. Strange custom. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You brought it up. No, you cut it. Well, you do it. It's fine. I do. I'll leave all your racists. Oh, there's a sign there.

What's that fucking sign say? What's that fucking sign say? Blug. Blug. Wait. It's still muddy. Don't. on what does it fucking say yeah a nice bit of concrete feels good public footpath public

footpath it's pointing to another field we're not I don't what are we doing there's a style so yeah we're coming out of here fuck it we're doing we're going this way down the path yeah I don't think it is mate if we go that way we're going back the way we came if we're going that way we're going away from where we need to be so we have to go can commit to this all right come on best foot forward nil desperandum we're off the last push we're coming home mama we're coming home for Christmas I'm not I'm going to be able to

I'm going to I'm going to I'm I'm going to I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm sorry, mate, is this water. I'm sorry mate, is this concrete or water? Wait, is this concrete or water? What is this? I'm frightened. Oh, it's concrete. I generally panicked them, thinking that was a great big puddle of water. Mate, what's that smell?

Mate, what's that smell? Drain, stagnant water. As if to not compound the end of this fucking... I'm going to go around that way. I think we're going to be better than this way. But there's like... Fuck it out. This walk's taking a fucking turn, hasn't it?

Yes. There's a real pundit. That is a deep egg. That's deep, deep egg. Oh, I can't take any more of this fucking muddy water bollocks. I can't. The joy has left me. I've got my mud muffy, no, my muffy mud.

My muff muddy. Oh, I've got to get off. I've got to get going. Is this really the way? this is the way this is just someone's house mate we're just walking towards someone's house well this is a path though I think we could follow it around to the left good look there's a church there I think that's the church I think we follow it left I hope we follow it left oh God

I don't know if we go straight across. But I think that's the church. Look at the map. I can't because it's dark. And you've got your phone. Hang on. All right, hang on. Come, I'm right back.

Right, be right back back. Right, after consulting the map. This is such a bad idea. The battery on the light has just died. So we are now. hoping that this is the right direction I think judging on what it said is to follow the hedgerow

what's the head row on the right yes that's right follow it down there'll be a lake every time so far Paul so well but I just wanted to end now because we're in the middle of fuck we're outside London what the fuck's going on how are we getting home there's a kissing gate at the end of this path

that's not what it means it's what does it mean it means that you're going to give me a kiss like I said earlier like I never you give me the ick in Ikenham okay well you give me the hill in Hillingdon and you give me the head in headfield where are we now headfield hot hairfield how you get me head who are hair who are hair field look at that ominous what I didn't even notice that phone there I didn't even notice that before oh someone lives there

and probably heard us some mad rants. People don't live there, mate. That's where you process pig slurry or whatever. You don't process pig slurry. One does. What for? Mnuer. All right.

He's nothing. He's got nothing. It was a solid answer. What do you want? Right. I think we're close to the end. One big push. And then this episode's fucking over.

I'll say it as many times. as I fucking have to. On the off chance, I don't decide to press record again, which is likely. Again, I like to say to you when you're listening to this, check the running time left of this episode. If it says two to three minutes, we're all good. If it says 25, then something's about to go wrong. But I think we're nearly there now. I think we're nearly there. I thought it was a church, but it's just someone's fucking big kitchen in a nice country house. Oh no. So it might not be the right way at all?

Well, I mean, we're not too far off. We've got to be somewhere near a main road. Let's just stick to this path, mate. It seems to be going to the road, doesn't it? Yeah. And then can we get a taxi? Yes, we'll figure out the least, well, do you reckon he'll let us in with our muddy shoes? you might shout at us and say

get out of the cab and there's also loads of fucking holes around there which I presume would be what moles or badgers what makes holes there's the pond there's a pond yeah and it did say there was ponds and a kissing gate and there's

something that's nice house though in a fucking pond do you reckon that house is haunted I reckon so oh no we're going round the side of this round the side of the pond I don't want to end up in a pond at the end up in a pond. Look, it goes into, the path goes into the bush. Let's go, get on the road there. All right.

It just go in here. Is it meant to? I kind of feel like we should go, this is not where we're meant to go. No, this doesn't seem right. What you mean? Look, you look in there and see if that looks like an appropriate path. It's just shrubbery. I think we just follow it round.

No, but I believe. presume we'd have the word with all to avoid that considering we have a path to follow. Yes. It's like two. There's one on either side. That could have sent us straight into a pond, mate. Ever think about that? It's the road is just there.

No, it's not the road. I can't see shit. You're taking us into a pond. I'm not taking us into a pond. This is a pathway. Keep your spirits up, Eli. We're early done. That's a big hole.

there's a big badger there is it a hole no it's just marsh i can't see shit i honestly thought we're near the end then when i saw the house i thought there's going to be a gate and a path and a lovely woman holding a big cup of coffee going here you go paul because you've had a nice walk watch this it's a gate is this the kissing gate yeah why is it a kissing gate Is that what they call the gates where you move the fence back and forth? Kissing gates? I have never heard that before. Mate, is this here?

Kiss. Mate, yep, Hillingham Trail sign. And yet, we're still on a fucking path. It's just another fucking path. It must be this way, right? It must be down this way. it must be this way come on come on there must be it has to be because if you're coming up this way you're walking right you're going to see the sign there pointing to the

trail that way so it's got to be this way it's got to be it's got to be it's got to be so this way mate can I just say something I've got very wet hems my head are, I am furious with my wet ems. We're not going to be able to get a taxi because we're all muddy. Can we just, can we just get to the end of this fucking trial? Well, we've been trying. This is more of a trial than a trail. How many miles have we done? If we go by what the map says, we've done 10, maybe 10 and a half

miles today. Really? Part one was four and a half and that was five and we went around the houses a little bit and we walked a little bit too far into Mad Best Wood so that might have had another half a mile or so so I reckon yeah 10 to 10 and off it is the way isn't it it is the way my son we're going towards civilisation but if at some point I see a church that looks like a church doesn't it that's an outer street sign okay this has to be it look this path has to be it there's a main road just out of sight over there did take a left after the kissing game yes it did okay well then it is actually I'm lying I don't know what it said you have a look at the map you look you look i don't have me magnifying glass

no more to see i'm going to shine my phone on it that means we can work as a team kissing gate oh christ right blah blah blah down to the kissing gate beneath some fine old specimen trees passing the pond on the left and two on the right and then it just says there's the church no did you see a church no how can we get out can we get out it must be this way okay it must be Must be. Because that sign for the Hillingham is only visible if you're coming up from this direction. We're nearly there. I keep saying this. You know what? You're right. Is that the Lord of the Rings? This has got 17 fucking endings. And it won't end. But look, I definitely think we're close. I definitely think we're close.

Good thing wolves were eliminated from Britain, isn't it? They've got to introduce them, aren't they? They wouldn't, not around here. Not round here, because there's too many farms. You don't want wolves near your pigs and chickens. Where would they put it just in the highlands? And they put wolves up your ass? Didn't they introduce beavers back to the Scottish Highlands recently?

Yeah, that's the thing, isn't it? Re-wilding. Yeah. I'm just saying I wouldn't want to know there was some kind of native population of wolves here. God, I keep seeing, I think I've seen, I'm thinking I'm seeing a figure. What is that? It's a post.

That's a post, isn't it? No, I thought there was just a man standing there. Or maybe it's Mad Best come to get us. Yep. Yep, no good stuff for you like. No, keep the band's going. I can't, my legs hurt. I know, I am at that point now.

There's another style. You know, there's a... Yeah, here comes the gag. There's a group of them that get together to decide what to do next. I believe they're called the Style Council. Yeah. All right. Style Council.

Thank you. They're called Sties. I know, but I did the style. No, you call the Stye Council. They're called Style on the fucking printer. I've been reading out. Oh, yeah, no, it is style. A style is what you put pigs in.

Or you get in your eye. Yeah. I thought you can call them a stye as well, though, these things. Well, either way, I don't give a fuck. Here we are, mate, look, this is it. Now, I've got one more map in my bag. Do you want to see what we could have done? No.

Because there is a part three. to this journey turn right onto some good that fucking thing was and here we are the big gate fucking hell and this isn't even the start of the fucking that stop hey it's a london bus stop fucking hell what buses have we got here three three one and the u nine and the u nine oh oh yeah I don't know which I don't know which I don't know which direction is best to us another one on the side of the road I think we should yeah we could actually you want to just do that keep it safe yeah Ely shape me hand well done that's the Hillenden Trail done yeah well done we're at the bus stop

Priory Avenue toward Denimore Ruxbridge 331 U9 we're going to see how long it takes not that long I don't think I'm kind of curious to see what's on what the other direction is just to see we're here we're here up close minutes that's nothing this time of night also the U9 well he's a big fucking map there dickhead so check it out right dickhead between 8 o'clock what time is it now dickhead quarter to 7 all right okay so then shine it up there again please for me would you darling dickhead would you dickhead darling dickhead darling so there should be one coming 38 57 quarter past seven half seven so there

should be one soon right what you say seven so ten minutes all right let's wait ten minutes oh ten minutes ten minutes yeah we've just missed one so yeah I'm gonna look over you the side of the road just for shits and giggles to see what the other direction takes you that's it I mean I won't be wrong right summing up in a moment but that's it this is the end of the thing congratulations us we're in the Cole Valley Regional Park area great oh god just between you and me while Eli's over there I do regret this walk cross it over look both ways I'm going to be

the good to be the way to be the and the I'm going to I'm a good and I'm

the I'm going to and the and I'm a and so I'm and I'm going to do the way to the I'm a

so I'm a U-Nine to U-9 to Uxbridge We're on the bus, everyone. Hello everyone, we got on the bus, that was epic and it felt quite hopeless at times, slothing through the mud, didn't it? It felt like penance for a year of bad behaviour. Yeah, it really did. It was almost Sisyphean.

It was, yes. Good. Thank you. Anyway, this is just a quick thing to say. We're safe on the bus, everyone. Don't worry, we're heading to Uxbridge. We have to throw my shoes out. I think that's a first.

That's a first for Cheap Show. Yeah, we have to throw your shoes out. I've had them for a couple of years already, so. It's a not all bad way to send them off. You know what I mean? Send them off to the, uh, Over Ghostland shoes. My pocket was so affected by birds, it's hard to believe everybody.

Yeah, when you throw your shoes away, don't worry their souls will live on. Woo! I think we're at the sort when we get to Uxbridge Station, mate. How about that? Alright, let's just relax. We're on the 3-3-1. 3-1, not the 1-1-3. And we're going through a place called the Furrows.

Yeah, which is nice. Like my brow. Like what we were slothing through. Muddy furrows, mate. Slothing journey. Nice. Right, can we just turn this off now? It's a little good time.

It's up to you or be in control. I am in control. Yes. I am in control. Turn it off then. Fun sake. Cheers, thank you. Oh yeah.

Oh my legs don't work. Say again? Uxbridge station, yeah. Just up that way. Cheers man. Cheers, man, thank you very much. That was very kind of him. Oh, but I can't walk anymore.

Oh. Mate, oh yes, just there. I know where we are now. Oh, just saying, do you want to... Oh, he's waved us across the road. That was also very nice of him. Too nice. Anyway, oh shit.

How my feet... I can't, my feet are so sore. Usually it kicks in in the morning, but it's kicked in now. We're not as young as we used to be, mate. We just sat down for ten minutes, didn't we? On the bus. Well, Uxbridge's one of my favourite stations. Fantastic modernist concrete work.

Yes. Do you recall? I do. We're just going to jump on the tube now, aren't we? We are, go home. Yeah. Finally. Ooh, that was a long one.

So, overall, to wrap up this week's episode, I enjoyed that walk, but I... I did not enjoy that last section, I have to say. The caveat being, that last hour... Was pretty hardcore. It was fucking brutal. Just genuinely. A genuine brutal slog.

Yes, I'm going to have to throw my shoes out, like I keep saying. I'm going to have to throw my pants out, mate. After all that brown beef I've been squirting out on the roots. Look at these. Wow. I'm going to have to wash my trousers in the sink or something. You look like a speckled egg. Right, well, do you want to say anything?

Well, next week, Mr. Silverman, office christmas party where we get to celebrate our year we have to walk about on that as well don't we not as often as we did today in fact it might be a go to a pub and then uber back all right so don't worry about it you two can get the u2 from here didn't we do that gag last time we did this route yeah because there was the u2 route was it the eli bus still haven't found what i'm looking for though good act tongue baby uh right shut up i know what i said right Do you want to say anything before we sign off? Thanks for listening.

Do you want to say it to the mic? Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you for listening for our final walk of 2025. We are now getting on the underground. I'm going home for a bath before I start editing whatever the fuck this week's episode was. Eli's going home and next week is our office Christmas party. You are all welcome to listen in and enjoy next week. Great.

I like the fact that our finale is right by a dirty bin machine. Dump truck. You know what I was going to do? You know what I was going to do? It was going to find a McDonald's and have a bite to eat before I got on the train. Really? Because I'm quite hungry. Would you like to join me in the Christmas McDonald's meal? Yes, please.

Come with me, Eli. I know where it is. You come with me and we'll sign off with a fast food. It's right just up there. You want to do it? Yes. On me? Yes, please.

Thank you. All right. In that case, we'll see you next week on Cheap Show. Bye. I was going to say something witty, but I'm too fucking exhausted. See at the office Christmas party next week. Bye. Bye.

La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La Goodness me, I'm all out of breath now Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.