CheapShow - Ep 466: Into The Woods (Stereo)

Episode Date: December 12, 2025

Stereo Edition It’s Paul and Eli’s final walkabout episode of 2025 and they’ve decided to tackle the Hillingdon Trail which will take them into areas that they are very much not prepared for! In this two and bit hour epic adventure, the CheapShow chaps will attempt to traverse about 10 miles of northwest London in what may turn out to be their most trying ramble to date. They’ll have to deal with going in the wrong direction, complicated diversions, wet weather, a woodland ghost, pitch black paths, deeply muddy routes & unsure endings. That sounds like it’s going to be another awesome CheapShow walkabout episode, doesn’t it? As Christmas begins to roll in, allow Gannon & Silverman into your ears for a special yuletide quest! Woop!! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-466-into-the-woods Or listen to our other “trail” episodes: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-310-a-ball-of-chalk https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-334-the-walk-men www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

It's Tuesday the 9th of December. Cheap show is about to record its winter walkabout episode. And I fucked it. I fucked it right up the ass. Real quick. Right at the top. Fucked it. Got on the wrong tube line.

Got on the wrong train. Now I've got to go back. Eli's waiting for me at fucking Harrow. Because I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere. More park. Anyway, finally here's my train. I'm going to get on it so I don't end up delaying this show any further. What a fucking start.

You wait till I see Eli. You wait, or you listen. You listen when I hear Eli. He's going to fucking love this. So after Paul Gannon fucks up the beginning of yet another carefully planned episode, I'm now joined by my good chum Eli Silverman for one of our wintry walks.

Hello, everybody. Yes, it's walkabout time. Walk about time. This one is for all the walkabout fans in our listenership. And I was thinking... Our last of the year as well. And it's our last of the year. And it's all huff-l-uff-l-l-huff-l-l-huff.

Don't say that. No, you say it. I won't say it. You live your best life, mate. Now, I was thinking on the way up here, Paul, because I did have some extra time because you took entirely the wrong branch of the Metropolitan Line. Just to quickly update people again.

Yes, I wasn't in the right thinking space today. I got on the wrong train, in the wrong direction, in the wrong line. So I've put us back by about 45 minutes. However, we are back at Ickham Station, where we are beginning this walk and this journey this week. Ike. You replaced Ikeenum with Rickman's worth.

I don't know why. But that's something you do generally. You swap words round. And often when you're talking at pace, I'm not turning this into have a go at Paul moment at all. I just want to say. Don't let me open the foot gates for that. Because I've got a list for you.

Sometimes you will use the opposite of a word instead of the word itself. Yeah. And I think this is what you've done here. you've swapped terms. Anyway... What gets me, though? It felt like, you know when you see

one of those tricks with Darren Brown goes, you don't know where you are, you don't know where you are, you're actually at the station you meant to be, oh, I've got to get off, you know, that whole thing is it.

It felt like that, because I was staring at the thing, going, right, don't get that train, get that one, that Rickman's worth is where we're going. That's where we're going. That's where we're going. And then I got a fucking whatever.

More park. Which, again, we're not getting into that. Thinking, oh, it's a quick walk away. Oh, no, we're on the long line. minutes. I had time to think what are the special fans in our listenership who love the walkabouts

and I came up some options. The walkabout wankers, the walkabout willie boys, walk about wank shaft, the walkabout weepers, the walk about water rats, the walk about water rats, like Tony Hatch. He's at the grand order of the walk about water rats.

Wank shaft. How about the walkabout wanderers? The walk about whimsies. The walk about whimsies. The Whimsie Woo walkabout washouts. The walkabout whimsy, wanker doodle biscuits, have a little dance with your sister at the park. Now, what is the mission should we... Oh, that's the U-10.

That's a lovely looking... The U-10, Uxbridge, that's what it's for. We're in the Uxbridge environs. Let's explain what we're doing, I don't know. I'll do that. Here we go. So, a little while ago, we did a two-part episode called the Selandine Walk.

Epic two-parter. And I was hoping for one of our wintry walks. This is one of our wintry walks. And it's the end of the year, so I wanted to make it a little bit special. And so I thought, well, what other walks are there around here? Thank you. So I found one called the Hillingdon Trail.

Now, it starts this journey, originally, where the Selendine Walk for us ended. So, you know, we got off at the Grand Union. It was in the Grand Union Canal, yes. The journey that this is begins there and heads north, right? I'm hoping to spot sight of the Grand Union at some point today, Paul. I don't know if we will, because I've skipped. I think it does, because it goes north as well.

So I think it probably, I think my assumption would be that some of this trail, the Hillingdon Trail, actually follows the routes northwards of the Grand Union Canal. Because it goes all the way up to like... Or Manchester? Yeah, exactly. So we might cross it. We might brush it. past it. However, we're not starting at that journey. I've skipped the first three stages and

we're at stage four. So that we don't overlap too much with the Selandine walk. Do you check that out though, guys. If you want a through line, do Selendine one, Selandine two, and then... I think one's called the ball of chalk and the other one's called the Walkmen. Okay. I think that's the two parts. I split over the year. I could put links in the description of this episode actually so you can get it there. Anyway, so we are heading for this part of the journey to the Ryslip Lido. Oh, a Lido. Is it a modernist Lido?

Yeah, well, I went there a few months ago in the summer, and it was a lovely area. Is it? Oh, great. It's like a little, you know, a big pool. And there's a little train track that goes around it with a little mini train. But I'm wondering when it was actually built.

Well, it's been there for 100 years, but it's been modernised. Oh, it's like a Victorian Lido. Yeah, it's like it's been there forever, but it's been modernised recently. It's got a fake beach and a pirate ship. Now, something you don't see further in is this little.

lovely old brick train shed up here in Ickham station I'll take a shot of that you take a shot of that because I need to figure out now how we're going to start this journey I think we've got to go to the roundabout because this is the bridge right where we're at and we've got to go left here

to join the journey down at stage 5 or whatever it is. We can go down there and then up there yeah you see what I'm saying so hopefully we'll find a little shop on the way because it does kind of weave in and out of little villages in amongst the more naturally

inhabited areas but there's fuck all here in Ick in I'm we put the ick in Ick in him don't we? You know the ick is a thing have you heard about the ick? It's like when you're in a relationship you give me the ick poor you give me the ick the sticky ick no the sticky stick in them I'm sticking him in a

oh my god anyway yeah no because when I got to Moore Park after my mistake I got out so almost nothing No nearest bus stop was a 15-minute walk away. I was like, I shouldn't be here. You realised, because I did, I called him everyone because I couldn't, because there have been big delays actually today on the Metropolitan line.

So I took the first train I could get out of King's Cross, which was to Amisham, which is the wrong line. Then I got off a Harrow. I spoke to Paul on the phone, and he went, you should have got the Amisham one. He's still, his Rickman's worth delusion was still going. You should have got it. Honestly, now I know what those QAnon kids are like.

oh is this a little alley you're overstimulated i'm overstimulated there's liminal spaces galore suburban uh sideways our problem today is we it is winter and so there'll be very little in the way of light we'll run out and it doesn't help when it and it doesn't help when a dovie dickhead um no not here it doesn't know when a dozy dickhead kills an hour of our walking time so we're going to do as much as we can this is a this is a 12 mile walk all in we might not do all 12 I think we could probably do about realistically four or five today

no four or five's nothing we've done four or five in our sleep mate I reckon we could do eight eight nine and I've brought a big flask of coffee oh you have great I have it's only black and it's not fancy

but I have brought it that'll do for me mate so classic Chinese restaurant Peking Palace a nice old fashioned laundry that's what you get around here yeah you know what I mean

right so funeral service do you want to get something to you want to go to a shop or something well if there is one well there must be it doesn't seem to be a convenience store around the corner let's see

anyway it's time for Cheap Show's wintery walk our pre-Christmas wonder and you're invited so come on you fucking cunt come join us on our podcast this week ah fuck them they love it

it's just friendly bans in it come on it's walkies time it's an off license I know what your priorities are. Come on, it's Walkie's time. I'm doing the intro. Come on, it's Walkies time. What?

Don't say it. I didn't say it. It's Walkies time. That's my new one. It's Walkies time. You know what I'm going to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to be.

Thank you. Well, after a very short walk, Eli and I are now officially on the Hillingdon Trail. We're on the yellow Hillingdon Trail. Now, I don't want to be, uh, jump to conclusions, Paul, but we haven't seen any signposting for it. I don't think there will be. Well, the Selendine walk was quite well signposted, wasn't it? Do you remember? At times. Well, you know what? We're going to find out soon because although we are on the path, we kind of joined it halfway through checkpoints.

might be, we'll see it as we join this Grove walk area soon. I'm looking forward to the spotting our first checkpoint with baited breath. Now, a little stroll through Ickham, very much a satellite town vibe, wouldn't you say? Yes, well, again, going back to the Metline, the Metline was built to connect all these little kind of out-of-town satellite towns to London. And it does, I guess. It does, very much does. Because, you know, we're in the kind of middle of bumble. fuck nowhere to some extent and we got there on a normal metropolitan tube line so we got

across the road here I think because I think we're about to cross over and go down that little pathway there walk about wet and wild wankers you're still going to try and find the name for it even though everyone we've done so far has been awful go on walk about whimperers as I as a butt plug the walkie woos Woo's! You've got it, mate. The Walkie Woo's. We've got an age after the W and Woo's though, so we say walkie, whews.

No, I like Woo with the W-O-O-O. Is it reminds you of ghosts or picking up ladies in the 70s? You know that thing? Here I sit, broken-hearted, paid my money and only farted. Yes. I've updated it. Yeah. Here I sit. Cock in hand, spunked on your tits.

I paid a grand. We know that's fake. Because when have you ever had a grand to pay off for a second? Just saying. Well, I was just taking the... Playing a character for a bit. Yeah. That came to me...

How about this one? All right, here is. Alone I am. Hang on, let me think. Shh, shh, shh, shh. Here I am in a glory hole. Pay four pound 50. It was quite small.

Anyway, we both seem to be in quite good spirits here at the top. So come with us, your walkie-woo's. No, I don't like it. It's kind of, it's one of those kind of phrases that makes me feel bad. Yes. Uh, what about, oh. It's chummy. It has a chummy vibe.

Don't want chummy. What about the cheap show? Here we go. Look at that. Talk about signposted. Oh, it's on diversion. It's already, we're diverted. It's already on fucking diversion.

This is going to be like, why are we on diversion? Oh, there is a sign. Hillingdon Trail. But obviously there's a diversion now. Don't go down there. Why not? Oh, because all this is a. You think it's because of all of this?

Because I can't... Hang on. Public footpath through golf course closed, follow diversion. So I'm presuming that's what this is then. The diversion. It's a pain the ass. Yeah, so I guess we...

We trust that they've done this correctly. Well, I mean... Because we don't want to go fucking 30 minutes that way and then not be able to continue, do we? Well, look, there's obviously something going on with all this partitioning and work. Well, do you remember how badly we got diverted on the first stretch of the Saldane walk?

That's because of the H.R. 2 or whatever it's called. I mean, it could be something very similar here, couldn't it? That's a fucked up old pub. Oh, that's a spooky pub. I bet that's got a ghost in. So, so far, if you keep in track, my carefully selected route has had me go the wrong fucking direction on a train for half an hour. Then immediately diverted.

Immediately got on diversion. Half diversion. It must be serious because they've put two massive signs up. Although there is an arrow ahead though saying, you might want to go this way now. So let's put faith in the sign and see who we get. Faith in signage. Now I've got a nice big flask of coffee. I can't wait to get my hands on that.

Are we going to have a little... Also, I brought a little bit of roast beef. Have it? I don't. Just a little slice of roast beef that I'm going to share with Eli. It's got no purchase, mate. That wasn't that bad.

You wait. All right, fine. You wait. I'm drumming up a big boy. In a new breakthrough in classiness, I'll be sniffing and reviewing Paul's beef eggs. Oh, on the nose. It's quite robust.

nice rounded umami flavourings oh god say ship pipe or copper pipe that's what you love to say copper pipe isn't it my grunty guttering the greenway see there's that other station i was telling you about that i thought we were at it wasn't that i don't know what that station is but it's on a national rail do we think the footpath is pointing up this way it's not pointing down here keep going this way i think but here's the thing go stand over there i'm gonna take a photograph the problem is though when you've got a footpath diversion And then the diversion itself looked like it's been moved. I don't know which way to take it.

Mate, I think it is up that way. Because look, there's a sign here, and it's been snapped. There has been tomfoolery a play. Why have they been tomfoolery a play to confuse people? How dare they? Why would they... What have we done to them? Think about it.

You're walking this way, the sign's meant to be pointing up this road. If you're walking this way towards the station, it's saying go up this way. So I would like, if you don't mind, to run this past you and consider us going this way. Yes, I agree. I agree. All right. Yeah, because it says the green way there, that seems like a reference to a path at least, doesn't it? And also, from looking at the map, it does go that way. We were supposed to go that way before the diversion.

So all of these things... Let's take a risk. Let's take a risk on this. How dare they, Tom Fool? How dare they fool with Tom? Horseplay is what it was. You see that, Tom May, you got all those cheesy crackers. He got what cheesy crackers?

Someone sent him a big box of a Christmas crackers made by a company called Cheezys. So every bag's got like cheese in or something. Every crackers got a chees in or something. Every cracker's got a cheese. Got an actual mini cheese. I've got cheesy crackers. I'll fucking say that. I thought they were beefy. I didn't have a shit. Beef and cheese. Beef and cheese. Yeah, my whole fucking harvester platter for you. Wasn't it like a cartoon? Milk and cheese. It was a comic?

Oh, I don't know. Was it beef and cheese? beef and cheese is what i've got so do we go up there no i think we go straight across it looks like there's some kind of construction construction over there and also some greenery so this can't be on the same issue with the hr2 because that's much further out the way but now i'm beginning to get like lose my bearings yeah let's see we've listened we've matted too long let's get a little bit of walk on and we'll come back to you with a little bit of noise no hs2 parking I'm saying HS2, not HR2. Yeah, you're right.

Because I was thinking of HRT, which is what women do when they go. What do you mean? I need HRT. Oh, look, it's just the front of a house remained standing there. How surreal? You've got to take a picture of that.

Take it from this angle as well so you can get the benefit. That's the kind of thing that you'd expect to see in a, I don't know, a movie. I don't know. Right, we're going to carry on walking. I think we've got a big day ahead of us. So let's spread the natter out.

But that's going south. That's going south. So it turns out the path we went down was the wrong path, or rather it would have been the right path, had it all not been sealed off because of HS2. So we've now got to go back all the way we fucking came to the high road. Oh, Christ. The HS2 has genuinely just fucked up a lot of things.

In general. It goes on and on and on and on. It's ruining everyone's life. Can I just point to you the quality of this household here? Look at the little roof. Almost that's like, it's a roof, and they've done the garden so brilliantly. And do you see the way the chimney stack goes through the roof?

It's like a spinstone vibe. It's like Swiss cottagey. Something like that. Modernist Swiss cottage. So right here is where the football. path was meant to take us, Hillingdon Trail. This is what I don't understand. Has someone fucked this thing?

Because, like, I look at... I look at that. Maybe it was meant to come through here. Maybe that's what it was. That little path we've seen there was meant to come through here. Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

So anyway, we've... We started on the other side of there, so that's going south down that way. Yeah. Would you like a sandwich? I've got a little bit of beef left. couldn't stop there's a person over there who saw you do that beef can I just say the river came through here look at this yeah this is where the river was I love this

this is an old bridge oh bridge you like saying that you can't quite hear oh yeah you can see it's right there underneath there it's so cool what river is that I'm gonna have to look I'm gonna end in river it's not the Hillingdon it's the Hillingdon the Hillingdon River I guarantee you well he does that I'm gonna get back onto the main road because I get We were meant to start this walk at 1 o'clock. We started at a quarter to 1 instead, quarter to 2, sorry. We've taken two wrong exits, diversions.

It's just... Sometimes I feel like there's no point in planning stuff anymore. We should just put a pin in a map and go, right, let's just start there and start walking. Yes, but we, you know, we both made the mistake there because we thought there'd been shenanigans with the signs. To be fair, I had a good reason. We assumed wrong. Okay, we made a mistake there.

That's all it is. It's only like a four-minute mistake or something. It's still a mistake I don't want it to make it. It's a mistake you didn't have to have to make. I didn't want it to make it. So you're like a tomato sauce, said that. It's a tomato de sauce. Don't stop.

Do not at a start a day. Do not at the start a diet? I will just talk like this all at this time. All at the time. It's simple everybody, peeps. No, don't say it like that. Isn't it? I'm Stavros

Isn't he? That's what Harry Enfield did And he got famous That was his massive breakthrough Wasn't it? That and loads of money Yeah but Savross was before I don't know

Friday night What was that show called Friday night Well there was Friday live And Saturday live It was basically the old Comedy scene on prime time Wasn't it So like Harry

The first time I ever saw Harry Enfield Was Stavros Probably Actually very likely That was the first time I saw him He's probably been doing voices For like spit an image things for a while but anyway i think stavros is popular but it was not until he did loads of money that

it really stuck that's when it skyrocket because i don't believe he did a song with stavros but he definitely did a song with loads of money loads of money character for the ages maybe you have a favorite harry enfield character catchphrase what don't you comment below in a piece of air hanging below your eyes just just have a thought and project it into the air soon you will be able to all these Google glasses and whatnot. I could do that with my ass. I project the idea of beef

and then I project it into the air. It's a weak facsimile of beef. It's a ghost beef. It's where beef once was. It's the afterthought of beef. It's a shat simile. A fact simile, but with shit. Well, hang on, what do you mean?

Whoa. Whoa, indeed. That's all. Why? And you do a pine. I go, woo! As if we're alive. Like, you're my hype man?

Yeah. All right, I like that. Let me do a pun now. Well, we're on the Hillingdon Trail, and we're going to continue our walk on this diversion. But don't you worry, everyone. This isn't a Hillington that will die on. This isn't a Hill, Hillingdon.

A Hillingdon that I will die on. Can I officially quit as your pun hype man, please do. Okay, I'm going, bye. And I'll pay you extra to keep quiet about it. I'm going to pay you in beef. I'm going to give you one of my soiled nappies. I wear a nappy for a day Eli

Whatever comes out comes out And you get to keep the nappy It's everything about shit with you It's not always It's a fence It's a fence It's a fence I know I've taken very much a fence

I take a fence Woo Right let's get this fucking walk on So we've come off the road And I think we found A diversion again there's a little sign here that says well fuck the HS2

and to be fair I can have a great yes because we got diverted right at the beginning of our walk but it looks like we're onto the Hillingdon Trail now Paul because this isn't exactly it but I think this will take us to it now yes we're joining it now I can see another diversion sign up there so this is definitely it we've done well we didn't panic we entered dry slip and it always brings me back to a friend of mine at

University, who used to live in Rice Slipp. But he used to worship London, and he lived down here, because I think this is on the other side of the M25, right? But it's still London, you get London buses and stuff. And he used to go, this is London too, because he was obsessed with being in London. Not T.O, as in, this is also London. No, as in number two. As in the sequel.

London, yeah, London 2 included London, as well as all these other plates. London to Eclectic Boogaloo. Because it was so important to whose identity. Woo, woo, woo. It was so important to his identity. You can't commit to that gag, just shouldn't have brought it up. I'm to edit that out. It's really sad.

I'll do it. I'll do it here and you edit in, yeah? All right. You ready? Yeah. Woo! Perfect. Right.

Very sad story of that man, anyway. Oh well. But he brings, he comes to mind. He also had a dog. No, that's a great addendum to that story. I'm glad. I'm glad we did. south by mistake because that looks like no no we're not going to go south because i think that's the

path we should have come to get to here right because that would have taken us across the line wouldn't it over the line that seems to be going back down towards the line no i know but that's what i'm saying that's what we would have come from originally to join it here yes we don't want to go down there we want to go up here is what you're saying oh no now i don't know what you're saying we need to look at the map mate let's look at the mat mate here we go it's started to pissle under twistle it's only a little tittle tittle it ain't too bad baby there's an update on the the beef's question hold that carefully did anything come out i didn't quite hear that but i was worried you got a shit on my microphone nothing came out right so we're going to be about here somewhere

no we're here oh no we're here so this yeah it might be up this way then definitely is because look i can imagine we've come down that road and we're along here somewhere that's right something like that i mean at this point mate should i just stick the cap on the map up my ass and forget let's just wander. No, we need to be following the path. Let's see we just... That goes back into, like, suburbs here. So I don't want to do that.

I think this is the way. All right, then. We need to find somewhere to sit down. Well, I think we will here. Coffee. Coffee. And we are going to have a little smoke. And we, that's it.

Public footpath, R1, 4.5. What's that? That's some kind of old shelter. It's a little shed or something. But it's only got the top. Look, and it's been damaged as well. Or maybe it's like where you just put like stuff temporarily and out of the rain. Like that sand, like building materials.

It must have something to do. You know, when I collect sand, I always make sure I've got, like, it's sealed away, so rain doesn't make it clumpy. That's all that it was. It's a non-clumper. It's what they call a non-clumping sand roof. Non-clumpy, tumpy. Here I sit. Oh, I'm sad. At least I shat. So that makes me glad. I've had sex in the north. I've had sex in the south. But I really like. A chunky load in my mask. Ah, woo!

Chunky, God. Is this what we're going to do, little poems throughout, about how we have sexual debasement? That's the golf course. Right. Oh, look, this is very similar to when we did that. I went to play golf, a swing and a miss. I drunk too much coffee, went behind a tree for a piss.

Hey, woo! This is now the poetry podcast episode where we walk and we poem. I'm trying to say something else. This is like a path through the old golf course. Yeah. Which is like our last walk we did. We had to go through a fucking walk on the new river walk. Through a golf course. Now.

Oh, by the way, update, we will not be continuing that walk. It seems dreary and boring and we'll fuck it off. John Rogers said so. Then we won't do it. No, he was really pissed off because he had to do a huge diversion where he had to basically walk along a motorway for like two miles or something. You know what I mean? Which is no-no.

This is the kind of walk I like where we're now on a little path to nowhere, to where he like. It looks just to be going through some woodland. Now, this path, Linden Trail goes through Ryslip Woods, and there's records of Ryslip Woods going back over a thousand years to the Norman invasion. Do you know what happened then?

I mean, I presume... Barry Norman came in... Woo! You say woo! Any pun deserves a woo! Barry Norman came and said, hmm, that's... actually, it's very good. What did he used to say? Do you know who was the wisest of all the Normans?

Norman wisdom. Mr Grimsdale! Mr Grimsdale! Woo! Anyway, we're on this path. We're just looking for somewhere to sit down and have a coffee. A mysterious place. Let's get out my cock and come in your face.

We need some shelter. Give me shelter. Did you not bring an umbrella, like I said, in the message? This seems to be a sort of a wooded embankment running through the old golf course. But I think the golf course has been shut down. At least the shooting range has totally been shut down by the HS2 work. Well, yeah, because I think about it, they can't have balls coming over. Comedy fans, that's where the comedy bunker used to be.

There's no comedy. A bunker, as in golf. Yes. But, yes. There you go. Yeah. There was a comic. And not as in like Second World War Refuge from bombing.

No, because that's less funny. Well. Although if I was playing golf and my ball went in the bunker, I wouldn't be fucking laughing. Why? Perhaps they called it the comedy bunker because people's careers got stuck there. You know what I mean?

No, that's a good one. Woo! That wasn't a pun. It was more a metaphor. Extended metaphor. Let's find a nice place to sit and rest. The diversion was still on the diversion. I'm doing a poem.

Stop talking over my poem. If we're going to do this. You start. You started this. Okay, Paul, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go ahead. I want to sit down, have a coffee in fag.

I hope that our delay isn't too much of a drag. Well done. It's Christmas. This is our Christmas wintry walk. Golf course caution, it says, see? Golf, foot past close. So yeah, maybe we were coming down here originally. Yeah.

Golf course caution. See, that's it. This is the diversion, isn't it? It's a weird diversion, though, because look, you have to go all the way around it and stuff and Wiggly-W. No. closed. Originally what I'm saying

is it would have been a wiggly woo to get through. Like windwarden? Yes, very much going for a golf course. A lot of these walks go, I feel like we've got enough experience that we took the diversion in our stride didn't we? Yeah, well done.

All right, well look. Get a picture of me by the golf course caution sign. Oh shit. Hey, don't fall in the street. Mr Grimsdale. Nearly fell in the fucking leg. The post wobbled. Very nice.

Thank you. Oh, it's really starting to piss down. It's not starting to piss down. You've had one droplet and you're calling it a tsunami. Don't say that because there could have been a tsunami in Japan. Well, there could have been an earthquake. There was an earthquake. I could mention any weather right now and it could possibly happen at any point in the planet.

Don't mention any weather right now. Don't mention anything of incidents ever. Oh, so don't mention incidents. Things are happening that might be insensitive. Don't open your mouth. Woo! I'm in a good mood. I'm in a good mood.

It's because I haven't drunk for several days. No, no, no, no, no, you always say that. Christmas kissing. If there's any mistletoe, you're going to get a kiss, and that is a threat. All right, let's carry on with this walk. So just a very quick update, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages. We've just now crossed paths with the Selendine Walk. Yes, and we've crossed on a delightful little bridge, the River Pin.

So this is where it's all joining up. And basically, the HS2 works that we had to go around within the diversion today, exactly the same ones that at the end of the first Zealand walk stopped us, basically. So we're in the same area, exactly. And also, if you're keeping track, this is where Eli started complaining about his wet hems. No wet hems yet today. No wet hems today. I've got appropriate footwear for this walk.

And I've got footwear, I don't care if it gets ruined because it's on its way out anyway. Fair enough. That's what I did today. But if I hear any wet hem complaints today, I all smack your shins with a tree branch. No wet hem complaints. And we're still looking for somewhere because it is,

it doesn't seem, the rain seems to have moved on, actually. Mate, I think it's going to be spitter spatter. It is a bit spitter spatter. I think we're going to be all right. We're looking for somewhere to sit down and have a coffee. It's right. You've got a waterproof coat.

I do. I've got a waterproof coat. And we've never done a rainy episode really properly. Yeah, it is. Very waterproof. It doesn't look waterproof. It doesn't, does it? Right.

Uh-oh, there's a fork. Now I think we go right. Because it looks like that goes into. someone's house. Okay. That spooky Tudor house thing. Yeah. It's probably owned by a murderer.

Thomas B. Murderer. Always be murdering, is his catchphrase. Dick B. Aiken. Fanny B. Pongan. No one's got the name Pongin. I bet there is someone with the name Pongin. And Fanny B. Or stinky.

Fanny B ponging. It's a Fanny B pongin. Woo! whether you're writing or whether you're wronging come to the back of the car park where you'll meet Fanny B Ponging oh all right okay that was a little update that we've crossed past with a previous episode of the Cheap Show how thrilling are though I don't know where we're going here

I don't know where we're going here I think we go left here it does go through there it does go through there the same part it's two strands at the same park but let's do that here yeah let's do that All right, see you in a bit. Hopefully you won't get lost again.

Why don't say see you in a bit? See you in the bye-bye. By the baby bo-bo. Oh, this is a lovely little path. All right, let's stick to this. Little natural avenue through the trees here. We're going to walk down to this natural avenue. Woo!

And hope we'll get us higher. What a great song. What a great song. Eddie Grant, everyone. Who was in The Equals, who did. baby come back baby come back ba bye bye bye bye bye by by I must admit

I was a clown to be messing around but that doesn't mean that you had to leave town Is that the chakademus and pliers? Yep Did they do a version of it? With me colour TV that one Wasn't it a red dragon? Was it chacademis and pliers?

Yeah but they also did that other one together didn't they? Put compliments girl on your kiss. That's red dragon. That's red dragon. Well that's all the reggae news you have this week join us next week we'll be talking about prog rock after taking a little diversion we went to what was it old old clacker's farm old clack farm and we had to cross a style and then walk basically between two private property fields and now we're running a little pathlet around the back of little houses and on the other side you've got the fields of old clack farm

old clack farm there's no one else tell them there we haven't seen a soul we have we have haven't seen a single sausage. This is quite far out. Yeah, baby. We're at the back of people's like some kind of estate, but yeah. Yeah. And then this will come out at some point and then there'll be a sign, I think. But, uh, I'll have some kind of shelter and a bench.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, maybe we should just, I don't know. I think we're going to be coming out to somewhere suburban now. I'm sort of road, maybe. Yeah. Hmm. Well, I reckon we just push on then. Well, this is the ray. It's been signposted this way. It has been. So we're going to keep on walking.

And I just wanted to document this next little journey on the route. Look there, another one. Oh yeah, Hillingdon Trail. This is the Trail, baby. We're on the trail, baby. We're off the diversion. We're on the trail proper. This is on the trail proper. No more diversions, I hope. We are beginning to lose a little bit of light.

It's been grey all day, but now it's kind of like, yeah and I've got a bit of a sweat on as well because I'm wearing like 12 layers fine I mean I walked a shit to over the weekend so all about Liverpool all about that there Liverpool spoiler warning expect me and Eli in the Whirl and Liverpool next year round about Easter there we go that's in action we'll walk I think is in order trip across the ferry ferry cross the Mersey Eli yeah I'd love to do that yeah so that's something to look forward to next year, providing we're both alive. We're not a strip of land behind houses on both sides.

With the sort of the path running down behind and a little dried up stream as well. A bloody sound. Is it wind chimes? That'll do my fucking heading. If I heard that every fucking day. There's that old bridge. There's that old bridge, but it's all chopped up. It says 1930 on it, look. It's all broken up.

This must have been a pathway at some point, a little river or something. No, this is the, yeah. It's a tributary down here. because you can still see a bit of water but yeah old bridge houses now we are still running right through the middle of it all but i can hear children screaming nearby suggesting the sounds of a school anyway that's it's not the most important or interesting part of the journey but i'll keep you up to date because that's what we like to do on cheap show don't we don't we Eli's impressed with my choice of walk

Yeah, it's very good I'm cock a hoop about that Nice Anyway, all you Are your children playing in the fields Cheap show wanderers You walk with us You're in the gang

You get a fact sheet And a membership pin or something I don't know That used to do in the old days Don't be pombrating them pins No, it'd be one of those shit pins Well I just send them a bit of cardboard With a safety pin on the back

With cellar tape And it says I am a cheap show wanderer oh look it looks like it's getting paved up here right well when i get paved i lose interest so i'm turning this off until we come to another place of interest oh oh look for a bus shelter or something all right we'll look for some more we can have a stop so for a brief moment we came out of the wilderness and through some housing areas estates very nondescript we were saying um if we just got plonked there we wouldn't be able to tell where we were in Britain and then I said it did feel

somewhat like the south of Britain that's about as specific as you could get this is very like we're on a strip of what I like to call pastry which is a strip of thin grassland and with the river running down at the bottom there well it's like when we did the very

first one the Dollis Brook yeah the Golden Quest episode yeah again a similar kind of topography isn't it yeah absolutely fucking love this shit see I've made Eli Appy It's my Christmas gift for Eli because I'm not buying them anything this year just so you know

I'm not buying you anything for the Christmas office party this year. Oh, you're not. Okay. Oh, talk of the Christmas office party. Oh yes, you wanted to mention that, didn't it? Right, so I've hired a lovely little place. Okay. We've got lots of presents from Rappoos, but I thought we'd start.

Is this a real place that exists in reality, though, Paul, this year? Okay, yeah. It's called the... It's not some mind, mind. The maison, a harrow, a mound. Le Mound de Harre. The Phantom

Harrow One Jesus Christ Man What's French for Hill? The hill Mound You said moaned

You sound like the guy out of Hello hello A good moaning No, it's a little Bejou place called A Phantom Manor Aveck Harrow

An hill Right And it's a lovely little place place don't get me wrong i spent a lot of money on it i had to pay i had to pay me 500 pounds of rent it out i seriously i took myself to one side went you can't charge that it's not fair and he said well you know rates are going up and then what did you have to think yourself mate well he said i'll give you a discount if you if i come over here with me it was a five-digit discount mate he was put it one way i got a gaping discounter

I don't know why that's the one that's set you off. Now, what did you actually want to say? He gave me a full Kermit and no mistake. And I gave him a bit of a missed piggy for... Anyway, anyway, anyway, I ended up by having to pay myself one pound for the venue. But what I thought we'd do is we start with a little pub crawl beforehand and out and about walking around.

Funnily enough, through Pinner, nice couple of villagey pubs. Oh, it's very wet around there. Very mulchy. Very sticky. So that's what we're going to do next. That's for the office Christmas party. a little bit of a walkabout home for Christmas presents

and booze and crackers is that right? Yeah next Monday mate it's the office Christmas party and you'll be invited because it's our last episode of the year we take Christmas off and we're back New Year

with a night busing because we're going to go into our archive from Patreon and give me an extra week off basically we need to do an extra night busing as well somehow we've got to fit one in we'll see that's up in the air still we could still do that much closer to Christmas

we could do it next week but we'll see because you know I want some time off yes it's very soft underfoot here it's very soft in the foot and if I'm not careful I'm going to go face down into muddy town who wasn't even meant to be anything oh god it is slippy sloppy

can you hear it squelchy woo so yeah a bit of a pub crawl next week followed by um la house en masseon phantom manoe harrow o'vack hill

god if that description hadn't been more tortured it was more tortured it would have been in that Abu garb yeah whoa that sentence had come out a little clearer it might have been a better better retort yes instead it was slow you could almost say it was a retortus retortus now woo I mean yeah woo sometimes poor that it was very very good when I get hungry and fancy a squirtle I get up my dick and a fuck a big turtle. Again.

Mate, I think once this route's done, I have created 20,000 great poems and 25 great puns. Oh, I slipped on my ass. You nearly slipped. Right, okay, there's a big road coming up, and I think we're at the end of part one of this particular part of the walk.

Oh, are you careful now? Whoa. Yeah, it's slippy. There's no grip on these. I'm trying to find more verdant's ground. Oh, Christ. Look at this big fish. I think we're getting towards the Lido, the Ryslip Lido, which is our first kind of major stopping point here.

I think we should see... I just wanted to let everyone know my Hems are kept dry so far. Eli is Chris Helmsdrysworth. That's his name today. Chris Helms... Shut up. Shut up. Hemsworth.

Chris Hemsdry. Chris Hems dry. Woo! Right. I think we're getting close to the first part of this. journey and we have to move on to the next printout which is exciting so who yeah great Eli yeah big hype man that was me almost falling over again who funny stuff now where does it continue this way i'm going to put this away and we'll check the map but we're

getting close to the end of part four of our seven part walk that we're already doing for three parts of okay all right so let me just check the map Lido? Yeah. Here we are at Ryslip Lido. So this ends part four of this particular walk, the Hillingdon Trail. Now if you want, the journey I don't think includes the Lido, but if you wanted to, we could go round it.

It says walk the planets. Yeah. What are the planets? Along the way. They're just way by, way stations. Yeah, that you can check it on. Well, I think we should sit down and have a coffee because I can see some benches. Yeah, but you see over there is like a fake beach with it's like a kid's climbing frame and stuff.

That's quite large beach, isn't it? Yeah. And then up that way, there is a mini railway track that goes right around the side of the Lido and back. So it even shows you here, there's the track that runs around. Where does the trail actually continue? It just sort of bypasses it. I'll check it on the map in a minute. Let's go have a sit down. But right now, we're at our first, I guess it's our first major checkpoint because this is where part four ends of this trail as we head north. Actually, I was going to give a little bit of context, actually. Hillingdon Trail walked 20 miles through Hillingdon's beautiful countryside from Cranford.

to Herefield at your own leisure. So you see, like this is all these routes and it eventually takes you all the way to like... So do you think maybe they made the Hillingdon Trail with bits of pre-existing paths? What is like I was saying to you, how does one establish a trail? Was it something that happened in 1886?

Some guy wrote it down and then became official. And then, over time, as things change and buildings are put up in its way, it's adapted and moved around by some kind of walking trail. I think it must be... Starsy. It must be, yeah.

You'd think it'd take quite a lot of organisation, that's the thing. I think there's different histories for different trails. Like the London, what's that one, the London Circular, it's called, which we cross a lot. Yeah. And there's a further one in. The London Ring, and then there's the circular route. Which is the third, one of them's further in. Yeah, the Green Wing.

Green Ring. I'll give you a green wing. So let's just take a seat. It's coffee time. But it's waning. yeah but what are we going to do about that we can go under these trees I'm sure we'll get a bit of shelter there mate can I show you my new coffee flask you got a new new one yeah mate let me show you I'm just gonna put this down a second hang on

what's so good about it hang on here we go what's so good about it it's big oh oh that's nice it's a bullet shaped yeah magnet lid oh that's really nice. Where did you get it? Secondhand? No, I got it on Amazon for five quid because it was off, it was usually 20 odd. Oh, oh, and the Black Friday, the Black Friday thing. Oh, you did well on the Black Friday. Oh, wind. That's a lovely, lovely, um, it's an I-on-8. Yeah, it's a bit scuff, because it's been in my bag. Hang on, let's just leave that there. But look, that becomes the mug, as you'd imagine. The magnetised cap. Oh, it's piping. I'll have a little sip

Oh, that's incredibly hot still It's really hot, yeah Ah Now fancy, but it's just what we needed Very good, thank you Right Let's have a little smoke and a sit down And then we'll figure out our next plan of this walk

We could do one or two more points, I think Oh, I think we could do a fair few If I'm getting, we're done by dark Yeah, we're going to be all right It's certainly getting back Right, anyway Anyway See you in a bit

See in a bit. My A Cheap Show Happy Wanderers. My a. My arsol. My arsole. Just dick-ed. My arsole. Right, Eli and I've had a nice little respite from our walk.

A little rest stop with a little bit of all this smoky-wokey and a little sippy-wippy on the coffee waffy. Yes. So, the next part of the walk is part five of this three-part walk we're doing. Very similar to the Celandine. Yeah. But we haven't had any drama like we did before. We're too good at this now. You know, we're in the Selendie.

My wet hems! My wet hems! We are both quite damp, but it's unseasonally warm. It's in the double digits. We're right in the mid-double digits today. So what we're going to do is this next part of the walk would take us ideally. through and round the rise at Lido. We're going to forsake that today

because we might come back to the Lido for a patron thing or something in the summer. We're on the other side of the reservoir from the Lido and we're kind of bypassing it so we can see the beach. That's the Lido over there, isn't it, behind the beach, basically. Yeah, with all those kids climbing frames and pirate ships.

This is, we're going past someone called the Water Edge Stone House. Look at the architecture of that. Yeah. It's all, what would you call that? It's a weird. postmodern mix of like deco weird really weird but like this is right on the edge of the lido a nice big huge lake great spot paul you said you came here with your girlfriend uh yeah in the summer uh of this year

just hung out did you yeah just to get out the house and we walked around it was a lovely sunny day i was like oh cheap show should come here but today it's almost got its own spooky it's got a real desolate vibe the kind of beautiful actually really nice the golden haze to the tree tops were autumn setting. I've got to get a shot in. Yeah, get a shot in because this is a really nice view. So we're not going to go round the Lido. We're going to skip it, but go along the side of it to get onto the next major part of the path. Because this part five is a four mile walk, which is why I think we can do it. Well, we are. We're getting going. We're getting going. Get our head down. Get our trudge on. I'm going to do it. But this is

a riselip woods, the Lido, to Harefield Church, four miles. and yeah we're going to walk along the side of it until we get to there's a pathway here somewhere it goes across a field looks like oh that's through the woods isn't it yeah so we're walking kind of alongside the road right now and we'll stick to that

rice slip woods dates back to the Norman invasion 1066 yeah and that's when some bloke called Ethel or something of that sort of nature Bobby Ethelwood oh I saw him do his special on on YouTube they put it straight on YouTube it's because it's very racist racist material, Bobble Ethelwoods.

Bobby, Bobby. Bobby Ethelwoods. Can't do another comedian called Bobby. Oh, they're all called Bobby. I want to take a picture of this too, hang on. Because I like this, bitch. I want to take a picture. What a mad spot. We really are losing the light. I know. The lanterns have come on.

Well, whatever. Here I am. I've got the mic, everyone. Paul's taking some shots. As always, you can find photographs to accompany our walkabout episode on the website. W.W.D.S. I don't fucking know. Cheapshot.com. Cheapshow.com.

The cheap show.com. The. Let's carry on. So, yeah, we're going past this pizza and carvery, Water's Edge. Up here's where the train station is. Because you can get the pizza and then you can put some of the carvery

on the pizza, couldn't you? Extra bit of chicken or mushroom or sausage. Or like one of those very thin slices of roast beef. We keep coming back to the beef. What's that? There's some kind of sculpture. Yeah, it's a little wooden sculpture, kind of like a star gate.

It looks like, yeah, like a portal. Like a wooden... It looks like a fucking hippie-style stargate. Yeah. Like you can... All hippie aliens will come through going, hey man, don't do war because it's like our future, man.

Yeah, man. And like he shouldn't have blown up the pyramid. Why don't you take a picture of it or something? Fuck it, there's not enough light. Oh, there you go. Well, you could... I tell you what, I took a picture of it when I went last year earlier.

So I'll just put a picture of that in on this website. Yeah, the special... No, hang on. I want to make sure... We're not. This is it. It's up there. Wait, hang on.

Because I don't know how far up we go. Look, here we are. We're here. We want to, here. We're here. No, we're not because that's on the other side of the lake. Is it? We need to ignore that yellow path and look at the blue path now.

And I don't know if we've... You're joking. No, no, we're here. We're here. That's the parking. That's the parking. There. That's that parking there.

That. There. That's the side of the lake. That's the side of the lake. I'm confused. I just don't want to miss this turn off through the wood. I just admit, I've got good at directions and map reading. I'm not saying you're not.

I'm just saying. I've got a real feel for it. And you made a big booby today with the fucking tube map. To be fair, that's pre-episode. That's a fuck-up of my own accord that does not reflect directly on this content. Yeah, because I fucking whiffed it. No, you're completely whiffed-dicking them. Oh, whiffed dick in them.

I whiffed dick and Dom. every single fucking week. Oh, my dick whiffs of fucking doom. Every day with Dick and Dom, they get on their knees and suck in my plums. Now, I hope there's not a lot of wind noise for everyone. Well, I've got me muff on. There's some giant teddy bear.

Yeah. Well, this is where the train track is for the mini. Turntable tea room. Willow. I saw a turntable. The train gets on a turntable. Yeah, because it has to. Because look, Willow Lane Station and Turntable Tea Room.

We can go past it and you can have a look. mate last time I was here it says you can train to be a train driver here and I was thinking maybe I should do that maybe my life is leading to this moment where I have a miniature train driver yeah no a miniature train driver that's what I want lose so the mission to take a piss we should do it now I don't think they're open though now are they are they are they is it is it is an all right cool in that case stop the recording we're going to drain it there we go piss you and accomplished Should I record in my way in? It's a small urinal. I'm going to wait. No, it's too low and I don't like it. I don't like the wean in low toilets. I want to use the urinal.

So finish up. Yes, your own, man. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm having problems with cold fingers on underside of the pool set. Or don't keep it to the shaft and you'll be fine. I haven't got room. Not working with the knot. Are you recording this?

No. Right, everyone. We have now passed the... We went for a piss and it was textbook. Absolutely couldn't be happier with it. And now we're walking along the Rizelit path because I think we cross these train tracks, which we're at now.

We're on a level crossing on the miniature train tracks. And up there we can see Santa's left his sled with all the presence in it. Yeah. I don't like it. Oh look, one of these sides do not know. Authorised personnel from this point on. Look at the bloke

who's there. He's like George Best is trying to... Well, no, it looks more like Brucey. It's about to just start the generation game. I love the way that those... I've talked about the moomin dog around near me. You get a lot of that, but that guy is in the wrong... That silhouette that they use to this day

is in the wrong clothing for this era, isn't he? It's a guy out of the 70s. I'm going to... You take a picture. Yeah, you take a picture. So anyway, we're crossing the railway track to the mini model Lido railway and along the route there's all like snowmen and Santa stuff

so even though I think it's seasonal they must have a train Christmas journey path hang on here's a thing raise that move that job done so here's the thing we're leaving the Ryslip route now but we're heading into somewhere called Mad Best Woods

and we've accidentally suddenly stumbled upon a ghost story, Eli, because Mad Best Woods is a spooky tale and the woods are named after a mad woman called Best. This is where the rail looks. It's a little siding, yeah. Siding, that's where you can shunt stuff in the side. So, yeah, there's those little Christmas things along the route

so it looks like they've got a little kind of Santa's railway journey going on, which is absolutely lovely. No, we go this way. I think this is Mad Best Woods. Mad best wood. I hope so anyway. Do you know what, let me regard the map because I think it's this. I think that must be it.

Hang on, let me, hang on, there's going to be a lot of noise. Right, hang on. One, two, three, four. The mad best wood is also a very well-known brand of wood. Mad best wood? Yeah, like Aunt Best's pies. Right, okay, so you don't have anything to add then. Okay, continue on the path.

as far as Dux Hill Road to the edge of the wood cross the road to the pedestrian horse crossing and enter Mad Best Woods keep along the main footpath of the wood This must be it Well no because we were meant to walk along This must be it This must be it right

Should I check the map with my Googles To see actually where we are All right look at it then Because we're either going to go right off the beaten track now All we're on the right path So let me actually do the old Google Maps, Mr. Silverman, see what we've got. Right, I'm zooming in.

Yeah, I think this is it. I think this might be it then. But the maps just says to go across it, like straight across. Have you noticed there's been no signs for the Hillingdon Trail since we joined the Lido? That's what my worry is. There's a bench there. There's a bench there.

and I wonder if we go this way or up that way because I think we go up this way a bit more I don't know I think that's best that is mad best wood I think this is what we're in right now is mad bad bad you're making mad paul woods

I'll be a mad paul in the woods if you're not careful careful how I don't know we're going in the right general direction but I don't know about the Hillingdon's Well, there's no signs for the trailer at all right now, and that's why I'm a bit concerned. Further up, that's what I'm saying.

We might find one here. We're not going to find one here, because this isn't the right path. It's further up. I'm willing to go off-road with you here, but... I am with too, and I think that's what we're meant to do, but go northwest for 230 metres. Continue on the path to Dux Hill Road to the edge of the wood. Crossed the road with a pedestrian horse crossing and edge to Mad Best Wood. Keep along the main footpath.

cross the old green lane surviving port of the lane Jackson's lane keep all the straight this ain't nobody's main footpath I mean I just don't know it's up there and to the left no but we're not meant to be going up into the left or we're meant to be going straight across see no but up here look

yeah we didn't cross this river yet we're up here somewhere that's not a river that's a road we haven't crossed that road yet we're up here somewhere so we should go up that way yes so I know if we follow because I know if we go on the line there We'll just go root around.

Yeah, we don't want to do that. Oh, it's getting dark now, and it's getting spooky, because we're in the spooky woods. Mad Best. If we spotted Mad Best, we might have to relaunch the podcast as some kind of money-grifting supernatural thing. Yeah, we should do that because it's fucking easy to do and makes a lot of money.

As long as you've got no morals, have an inflated sense of ego and proclaim to be an expert in something that absolutely does not exist, then yeah, you're going to be all right in that industry. Well, you're almost two-thirds of the way there yourself. It's marvellous, isn't it? Why are you doing Brucey?

I'm going to put my glasses on. Yeah, because now that you fucking mention that sign, all I can think about is being told not to cross Bruce's path. I've got to, hang on. You wouldn't like me if I'm angry? You angry if I wouldn't? I'll tear your head off your shoulders to shoulders and you have to head off tonight.

Right, Mad Best ghost story. Do you want to hear it? Beware of Mad Bess. Watford Observer. Less than 15 miles from central London, Harefield is surrounded by agricultural farmland. The Saxons, having cleared away the forests. Sadly, Harefield's image became tarnished in the 19th century

when 28 of its inhabitants died of scarlet fever due to reluctance to supply sewage. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The path has been trodden for centuries. More so in the olden days when people had no choice but to walk. Duck's Hill is probably named after William Duck who lived there in the 16th century

A bridleway leads from the road through Ryslet Woods which predate which date back to prehistory Before history Yeah In keeping with the local custom William the Conquer gave Ryslip to Ernulf de Heston

That's the guy I was talking about And passed it to many others thereafter The Woodland Walk is excellent With many choices of routes Mine was to emerge on the main road again Which I passed into Mad Best Wood Mad Bess, Mad Bess Wood On to the Hillingdon Trail

Mad Bess, here we get to the good stuff was the wife of a 16th century Gameskeeper a demented old woman who proud the woods at night looking for poachers beware Mad Bess was the poacher's motto and with good cause by the sound of it

but that's the thing it doesn't tell you what she's done she just says she roams them and we're not poaching so we shouldn't see Mad Bess but it is getting dark and now I'm a little bit frightened. It's really getting gloomy.

Honestly, most of the story on Mad Best is just that. A poach's wife who was mad. Probably some old mad lady. Old mad lady. Rather than a ghost, you know what I mean? I mean, yeah. It's not the ghost they just do that after a certain amount of years has passed, don't it?

It becomes a ghost. Yeah. It's like that mad old cow who ruins us running in the woods for poaching. Now she horns the place along after her death. Right. I hope we're on the right part. Well, I don't know anymore. Because now it's just like we're going into the wood.

Some scrubland. I'd like a sign that says, fucking, this is the Hillingdon Trail. You haven't been one for too long now? No. How would we get out of here as well? Mad Best Wood is part of Ryslet Wood Nature Reserve and consists of 139 acres of woodland made up of smaller woods. Named after a local gameskeeper wife who lived nearby in the 18th century. imagine that oh they named the wood after you love did they right slip no that's the place yeah what

no rice slip is a village though a town yeah rice slip what's what's you said it's named after a lady no the mad best wood is oh mad best mad best wood is named after a lady yes yeah and imagine that you're in heaven your best and goes oh you heard that they've named the wood after you oh that's lovely i used to love that wood when i was alive well what's the name of the wood best wood no no mad best mad crazy mad bitch wood oh i chase i chase one poacher off my property once with a stick fanny b ponging best wood fanny b wood fanny bonging wood and i've heard them oh this is very very muddy here there's a plank there but do i go around oh oh oh come oh went around the edge oh mate this is now very mulchy spooky wood and i think we're running at

of path oh there's another gate here well this is a thing I don't know there's a bench there's a bench I've got to take these glasses off again because I can't fucking see with them on as a long sighted man I just need them for reading my phone she's that big huge path up that way mate and then there's this one up here and there's another path here stye all I know is that we've got to go through best wood but right now I don't know what part of best wood we're in and how we get across it oh yeah where are we show you that map again oh we've gone right over the top we should have we should just go straight this way then because

we should be going that way straight across yeah otherwise we're going too far north should we take this path or do we take the crooked style let's try that crooked start oh mate this is a Christmas spooky walk now We're in the spooky woods and it's getting dark. We've still got a good two miles to hairwood. Yeah, we're about halfway, I reckon. This isn't private property, you don't think, is it? Well, look if it's a style.

It's a style? Well, then it's meant to be crossed. Is it? Oh, yeah. Oh. I think we're meant to, uh, oh, there's a sign. Oh, yeah. Oh, so Christ, all right, so, well, it just says public footpath, public footpath, public footpath,

we're on at least we're on a public path. We're on three public footpaths. Yeah, this is the right direction. All right. Well, that one, that's not a public footpath down there, though. No. It's very spooky. I think we should push on whilst we saw it from life. It may, it's scary. I've never been in the woods and a spooky woods. Now, this is definitely mad best woods, mate. I like it.

I like it. There's still some light in the sky, very gloomy now. If you listen carefully, the legend says you can hear it, uh, shouting in the dark. Oh yeah? Can, poacher can. Yeah. I want you poachy the fish. I'll put it in my fanny.

That's why my fanny's so pongy. Yeah. That's what they say. I'll confiscate fish and put it, pack up my fanny tight. and then that's why they say they can smell very verbose for a ghost aren't you smell old betts is old poaching fishy fanny all right well i think we've made the point abundantly clear now eli

although they say people who get lost in the woods were pure of heart if they follow the smell of fish they can get out oh mad bess is clunge well it's path definitely goes yeah it's definitely going oh there's deep spooky wood you love it this is Christmas in it Christmas ghost stories and shit

let's just hope we don't actually see some kind of deranged old lady because what a young lady it's cool it's very straight path I think this is the right path mate because it's very straight if you look at the

remember on the map what are you looking at I genuinely thought I saw a little old lady then well not like a little old lady but like someone hunched over did I or was it a dog?

There was definitely something that looked hunched over like dipping between the trays it wasn't a squirrel or anything like that because it was quite big that was so funny that I saw that unless it's someone in the woods of course

just a normal person going for a jog or something and not mad best I tell you what oh I fancy a poaching I'm going to do some poaching oh I can't wait to poach what can I poach round here

what's good for poach I like poaching wild fowl. Wild fowl. Yeah. Oh, that's what pissed me off earlier. What? You know, in like garages and service stations, you get wild bean cafe, that's the coffee thing.

You don't want wild beans. You have to cultivate coffee. It's the opposite of something wild. What is the wild doing in that name? I don't want wild coffee. Because it says jungle, and then jungle says, peculiar roast and then that infers special coffee

when actually it's all machine made muck with fake milk so I wouldn't worry too much about it it's like is Starbucks got anything to really to do with one of the characters from Moby Dick not really no but I'm just saying wild and you're talking about the bean specifically

my latas have come undone they do better to say highly cultivated and delicious bean my laces have come on done I'll hold the thing no we're going to stop now because I've been recording for 20 days In the wood. 16 minutes this segment's been. Get them done up.

It's getting dark. Get them done up. Right. I'm going to do my laces and you can follow us a little bit further up the chases. A little bit. In a little bit. Turn it off.

We're going to be. Mate, mate, mate, stop, stop, stop, stop. Do you hear that? I can hear nothing, I hear a plane. Listen carefully, can you hear that? No, I can't, I don't. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. I swear there's something over there.

You can hear it. Stop fucking me around, man. The ball, stop. Shh, shh, shh, shh, let's just go, let's go. That's laughter. That's fucking laughter. hear any of that. I can't hear that. You can't hear that? Listen, listen, listen.

You smoked that joint too quickly. You smoked that joint. You did it in one, that inhalation, mate. You're fucking, you're tired. I can't hear anything. Quiet, quiet. You're fucking freaking me out now. Yeah, I did hear that. What is that? It must be like a gate or something.

That's not a gate, that's someone fucking laughing or something. No, no, it's something kind of, in the wind. No, no, no, no. There's someone over there? Let's go. That was someone making a step. Right, let's get out of here. Have I got my stuff?

Have you got your stuff? Get your stuff. Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's get back on the path.

Let's get back on the path. mate okay i'm not even joking i definitely have footsteps just then ahead it might be another person walking about but mate this is really freaking me out now Of course it could be animals. I can't forget that. There's deer or no other thing. This is...

Rice-lipped wood is... Well, this is Slip-Mad best wood still. It's the first nature reserve in London. Is it? Yeah. Oh, fair enough. Pre-history. What do you mean by pre-history?

Anyway, sorry, we... We started writing down history. Oh, that's what they mean? like five thousand years ago well then we're walking through five thousand year old woods then aren't we at least five thousand something like that anyway just so after that little historical epoch is like 20,000 years okay so pre 20,000 years we're walking through pre 20,000 year wood then nice so yeah after that little spooky moment we're back on the path and we're heading straight through the middle

of Mad Best wood until we get to like Duck Hill Lane or something. I'll check the map onto there because right now it's dark. Oh, it's dark baby. I don't know how, how we've got quite a long way to go still, to hearwood. Yeah, we're more than halfway. So I reckon we could do this whole section of the whole section of the map. I'm looking on the right track still. Yes. We literally cut right the way through the middle.

I don't want to be in the woods after dark. Why not? Okay, to Mad Best get you. Yeah. I might get lucky with my best. Also, Paul, I think what we heard is a response to I saw a dead mouse

I was going to, I put it in my pocket. Don't start picking up dead animals. I've told you. That's what's set best on us. Because you were poaching a mouse. Yeah. I was going to say I was going to do a funny bit with it. I don't know where it is now.

What funny bit you're going to do with a mouse, dead mouse? Like, you know, like Drexel or Keith. Here's my impression of, here's a cut price budget, Richard Gere impression. Oh, I'm like, lemmy winks. That's...

What, it's a myth, yeah. Yeah, it's total myth. And I think you should apologise to Mr. Gear. Well, there was that famous... Is it a 1960s radio clip from America with some guy called in, and it was obviously a fake call in the end, but basically he was saying how he got a hamster stuck up his bottom.

Right. And how did that get associated with much of gear, though? Well, I don't know, but it seems to be that was a whole thing. I mean, I think it is a thing. People have done. Oh, yeah, they're done. Oh, yeah, lemmy wings. Is that what it's called?

Lemmy Wings is the South Park spoo for the whole thing. But, no, the point I was going to make. I forgot the fucking point it was going to make because you always interrupt me with your assinine interjections. I'm sorry. What was I talking about? That's why people... Oh, some shit.

What was I talking about? Richard Gere. Right, oh yeah. So the guy he was calling and he was saying, I put a hamster up my bottom for sexual purposes and the journalist on the radio station was like, oh my God, really? Giggling and giggling.

And it cuts to the base of the point sign, which was he stuck a... toilet roll up there to help get it out couldn't see it lit a match to try and see where the thing is made a rocket and then it fired the hamster out oh you can't go that way i can't go that way none of that was good anyway don't stick it's approaching i think anyway don't stick small animals at your ass it's not cool what yeah i can hear the traffic i'll see if i'm get rid of the road the mouse get rid of it now before mad best gets us because honestly i know i must be able to smell animals. Yeah. On the winds. Maybe she's after my bollocks, mate. Because they're poached eggs.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha go woo. Just no. Go woo. No, I will not woo for that. Woo! No, there's a certain bottom. Woo! Oh yes, bottom. There's a bottom. There is a bottom. My poached eggs. There is a pun. Mad best of my poached eggs. There is a joke level below which I will not woo. Okay. Woo? No. Well, but if my best, she goes, woo-o-o-o-o, doesn't she? Because she's a ghost. That gets a woo, because that's...

Yeah, that's woo-like. Woo-adjacent. Wu-Tan Klan. Woo. Uh, foo manchu. No, you see, you have to go do something racist. That's not, it's not racist. It's very soft.

Oh, okay, I'm going to go round where there's thicker. There's no round. Ah, my eyes. Oh, I got a branch of my eyes. Don't go in there. You can't see where you. I'm going around. I can see. Ow, I set for my good eye. Oh, the other eye. Oh, is it? Okay, I'm going around. I shouldn't, you're right, I shouldn't have done this.

I can't see it. I'm walking through everything. Oh, oh. Oh, my eyes. I'm trapped, Eli. Oh, come to the park. Oh, I'm coming on. I'm coming back. Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! I should have just stuck to the path.

Oh! Generally, I've whacked both my eyes with different branches. Well, you can't see the road. Right. We crossed this road, one last little wood, we're done. That's... That's... my eyes! Oh my wood

It's wet It's wet Oh Right Okay there's the road ahead of us Ah Have I got a leaf in my eye Mate

You might be blinded by Bess's Rage You reckon that was the curse of Mad Bess Did you put that mouse down? No, I can't find it Well then you don't have it So then we're safe You didn't put it in your bag

Did you? It might be in there Why would you put a dead mouse in your bag? It was quite dry, it was like fossilised. It wouldn't be, ah, it's too wet, it's too wet. That's not a dead mouse. It's a stone, it's a stone. You've picked up a stone, we're safe.

Mad Bess, we're nearly free of Mad Bess as wood. There's a big embankment there. It's up to the road. It doesn't seem to be crossing. Watch out, there's something in the path there. Is there? No. There's a slight dip.

Oh, yeah. really it's that sort of thin layer of mud do you know what I mean that makes it extra slippy it's really bad like thin layers of ice on the ground yeah well we did we've touched we've touched enough wood today I've had a lot of wood old best is wood this way I mean there's a path that way I can't see shit now I can see the road oh yeah here we go oh yeah we go oh yeah we go yeah here we go all right let's get across this road and then see where the journey takes us yeah here we go here's the pathway okay we're free from the

wood we're out the wood oh Jesus shit right even though it is not even though it is not six o'clock in the evening yet it is absolutely pitch black on this walk we have now entered riselette woods after a short detour on a main road an a road um very busy very busy well everyone's coming home from work or leaving london or i don't like walking along a busy road no this is a bit dark and squelchy from the likes of me but we're fit for it Do you think we can get there? And this walk we're doing... I got attacked by a fucking branch or tree.

It wrapped around me. It's clutches. It's clutches. This whole thing we're doing is a big detour to the end of this wooden back up again. You know that from that. Yeah. Okay. We're doing the trail. We've already skipped like 20% of it just to get started.

I need to piss. We'll go piss. There's plenty of places. Turn off the recording device. I'll turn it off once you start pissing. I'll turn it off the minute. The new gadget you've got, but as soon as you're in, it enters the air. It's AI piss reduction setting.

I fucking would buy that. Look at that hole there. What is that hole? That's a fucking like a pipe. That would break your leg. All I'm saying is just fucking be careful. I am being careful, more careful than you are. Even though I've just been molested by like 20 trees.

Well, I am being more. I am being more. I say it under your breath. You know what I'm just... Like a 10-year-old. I did do my homework. You're more like I tell you, other than me. I'll say that under my breath as well.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate that, duck. There's moths. Have you noticed? Yeah, because you've got your fucking torchite out. Yeah, but you think this... What?

Did you hear that? No. What? May, stop giving me the willies. I've already spooked out by this part of the walk already. Can we not do this? No, stop. This is why are you such a gutless,

coward. Every time there's a tiny, tiny bit of adventure or threat, you're like, I'm out. I can't do this. Well, you don't put anything in your mouth anymore. Do you? You wouldn't even taste the bread the other day on the off-brown brand off. You're like, no, I don't

care. Not tasting anything. That's different, though. I don't care. Also, you're talking about just like putting leaves in your mouth. That's not the same thing. That's not you should not do in the first place. No, I'm not. You are? No, that, anyway, whatever. You didn't take much. We understand what I said.

It's all right. I understand what you say. Honestly, mate, it's too sluffy. Mate, it's cold. My shoes are wet, fruit. Here we go. And where does the water seep to? Up your socks to wear.

To the hens. To the hens. It's raining again. Eli Hemsworth is here. It's raining again. It's raining quite badly. Luckily, I've got this waterproof jacket. It's very good.

You're all right, gold man. You're just fucking talking to yourself. Right, oh, wait on. Sign. Put the point at the sign. What does that say? Oh, it's at a crossroads, which literally doesn't help us. You're going to have to look at the map, mate, and it's going to get soaked through.

Well, what do we do? God, right. Keep going down there or go up there? Hang on, I need to get the map out. I'll check my map. You haven't got a map. I've got the printout. You just shan the light on my paper.

Okay. Don't get it too wet. It's already quite sodden. Right. break speed row enter the thing continue on the main drive down past the pond

leave the pond using the path going up the steep slope to the main picnic area stay on this path I haven't seen a fucking picnic area of you maybe it's just there continue west to the edge of the wood and pass the entrance

to Tarleton's Lake Nature Reserve to the style don't take the light away I need that to read information fuck old driveway to Breakspeer house go over the style follow it through

blah blah blah so I don't know doesn't help us Should I look for Brakespeare house Shine light on the thing again Just the visual map Yeah maybe do a thing

For Brakespeare house If we can get there We can make it anywhere Break house Bragg house Yeah I look for Brakespeer house Then I'll shine a light All right

Well then I'm just standing here In the dark now Yes In the middle of the wood With a strange man I've never In all my day He's been in such a spooky place.

Look, see how the pathways are just swarmed by the trees and they're leaning over. Breakspeer Crematorium? No, it just says Breakspeer House. Brakespeer House. There's a picnic area which we haven't walked past. Yeah. So straight across.

Destination is outside London. It certainly is. That seems like much further than we are away from it. Why isn't your map working? Is it only for London? Yeah, because we're outside London. Well, then put the light on so I can look at this again. Numb nuts.

All right. I feel like you're panicking a bit. I'm not panicking, I'm just getting impatient. See, look, the map says we go all the way down south and across. I reckon we're cutting across. We're not following the path properly. So I reckon we just go up that way. Because we're going to go west anyway, aren't we?

Yeah. So let's just go west. No, that's that way. No, that's north. Because we were going south from there. Where do you want to go? I want to go straight across. I think if you go straight across, we'll cut through the wood.

What direction do you want to go, though? That's south. Wait, which? So it's that way then. We should go this way where that blue point was pointing. That's us. The blue point is us. But that cone ahead of it.

That's our direction, yes. That's why we should go this way, because I think we're cutting across directly. Yeah. Like we did with the mad woods. That's west. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Okay, good. Did I say west? Gannon said west. We made a decision. I made a decision. I made a very good decision. Follow me, everyone. I know where we're going.

I love this. Look how spooky this is. Very spooky. Oh, where's Eli? I'm going to catch up with him. Don't leave me. Wow. Oh, it's spooky.

I love it. I love it. Don't straight from the path, mate. Don't stray from the path, boys. No, because... Oh! right i was going to put this in my pocket i'd just as soon not be in a wood why not it's fun spooky it's an adventure we're having an adventure but you like adventures you can't sew like your mum oh another sign oh another sign as your mum comes out

oh oh yeah it just says public footpath public foot path public public i guess we are yeah we keep cutting across to the west you think i honestly i think that's the best course of action we'll end up somewhere Yeah. Yeah. Because we have to leave via the north of this wood. So what we're doing is going west and then we'll go north again. Yeah. Something like that. Anyway, let's carry on walking in this spooky

wood. Oh, I mean, I'm loving this walk. I'm absolutely loving to this walk. Oh shit. Oh no! Got deep there, didn't it? It got very deep. That's what I'm saying. You need to keep an eye on the fucking floor. May, what if we came across like a sacrifice, you know, like a satanic panic

sacrifice and we saw it would be satanic justified fear yeah satanic rational fear of something

dangerous yeah oh I was just listening to an occult uh based rock and psychedelia playlist

yesterday like I said we mentioned Coven the band they were actually a witch band weren't they like officially

and they did tin soldier which was their kind of sell out almost it was a Christian song wasn't Was it?

Was it? Something like that. Either way, it's just sell out. I had the one called Black Sabbath. They have a song called Black Sabbath, which is extremely witchy, basically. So the Black Sabbath get their name from just the term Black Sabbath? They took it from the Mario Barber film. Oh, that's right, yeah.

Anyway, imagine if we saw that. Which is like a three-piece, what do they call those films? What? You know, like... Jallo? No, that the structure is loads of little stories. Oh, like, yeah, portmanteau movie. Portmante.

Yeah, whatever. It's a portmanteau. not very good anyway we're in the wood and it's spooky and I'm loving it so I think we're going to walk for a bit and stop talking and just enjoy you this spooky spooky Christmas walkie wood Christmas spooky wooky walkie wood indeed walkie woo whew o walkie woo whore wanderers cheap show wanderers spooky windry woo waw wood e waw woo waw stick it up your choochard gotta get the pooks are at the town oh the wind's picking up we waw wood Ewa-woo-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W.

Yeah. Oh, get out of here. It gave me the wibbles. Right, we have walked quite deeply into Ryslip Woods, but finally, after taking a few guesstimations, we are close to, what is it called, bleak woods? Bleak Street wood. Brakespeer. Brakespeer wood. Because I think Brakespeer house is up that way a little bit.

We're in the brake spear kind of neck of the wood. Fucking hell. Jesus Christ. It is very soft and muddy on the foot. Eli has urinated and I think it's... In the spirit of Christmas and goodwill, I didn't recall... I can't fuck it.

Oh no. Be careful. There's lots of rutted roots. Yeah, hang on. I've split my legs across the puddle now. Hang on. This way. way this way this way this way this way this way keep running momentum is good momentum keeps me

upright oh no it doesn't uh right now i'm all right oh i felt a big squish of mud go right up my calf oh you'll have to have a nice bath oh i'm gonna have a lovely bath now i'll start editing this anyway i was just saying because of christmas and goodwill uh i didn't decide to record eli yawinating up a tree i think that says a lot for my christmas spirit no Stop, they're fucking stop walking pool. That was a deep puddle of mud we both walked through then. Oh, they come out of nowhere. But these are destroyed these shoes.

Yeah, these are. I need a nice clean puddle to just wash off the excess of garbage. Splushage. Watch out for the logs and shit, man. Anyway, we're coming to, we're coming to the point now where... It's the road, aren't we? Look, there's a road crossing the path up there. Yeah.

That's where we're heading to this road. And then we're out of... Then we're done with woods. Then we can just walk to Herefield. Really? Through some little side streets and stuff. Yeah. Okay, we're going back to that sort of style.

Yeah. I mean, this is what I'm saying. We need to get to a point now where we need to put a pin in the map and go, right, we're stopping. As much as we'd like to go on, we've had a good walk today. Watch your feet.

I'm watching. So I'm thinking we start to think about wrapping it up soon. Yeah, but where's the path now? Fuck, sake. Just keep walking until we hit the road. Oh, that went right between me legs. Why this always happened to me? Ah!

That was the right height to just twang my bum hole. Do you shop some damage, man. Oh, what's that? There's a bottle in there. Someone's out of drink and left a bottle. It's probably... Special... Special brew.

Special reserve. It's ports or something like that. that brandy god it's nasty port in the woods right so we just keep walking this direction so we hit the road job done and then i'll get the map out and then we'll come up with our finale how about that is that all right fine i've got very sloshy i like sloshy i like mushy i like blobsy i like gooey sticky splodgy yeah gelatinous mulchy mucy Grobby Grubbly

In fact Oh this is very soft on the foot Oh we're nearly shatping pads then Oh oh oh What can't be our finale What's the floor? Me squirted out a little bit of brown matter How much you've committed

To beefing off During this whole episode Cut to three months ago Paul Gannon will no longer be keeping thoughts In this week's up in podcast episodes And then I've just filled this episode with Christmas beef, Eli.

It's a Christmas beef. What? How do we get to the road? Up here somehow. Is there? No. Is there? The path has run out.

Yeah. It's like we're so close and yet so far. Tell you what, Eli, you lead on. Watch out for this. All right. It's done. No. No, that's too thick it.

Right, where's the flipping path? Maybe we go this way a bit. Or that way a bit. Mate, we're so close. How do we get off? How do we get out of it? Oh dear. I know, because where we are won't get us on the road.

I'm going to go back to the path and go right. This one that we were on. see this well-worn trodden mulchy fibbagey kind of slop yeah it goes that way let's do it because this will take us through the road look there's a there's a light street light yes we found the park well I found the path thank you your toxicity comes out of you yeah it oozes out the pores of every pore of you it's just because I want to be right all the time exactly yeah look this is a river yeah this is a problem No, we're going along it. There's a little bridge. Look, see.

It's a bridge? Yeah. There ain't no bridge, maybe. Well, look, we're very close to the road. Oh, mate. What if we're... Is that a bridge? No, yes. Yes. Is that a bridge? Yes. Careful, though. It might have to be a load.

Oh, what is that? Oh. That's a bridge, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a little bridge, like, you can see. Come see. That's the other is it. Yeah. And this will take us. out.

Yeah. Up ahead. Jesus, what a mission. This is a mission. You wonder if there's any geocaches around here? I wouldn't be surprised, but I'm also not getting the app out. So maybe next time. Right, we're almost home, everyone.

Geocaching in the dark. Geocassion in the USA. Did that come through your head as well? Yeah, it did weird. I think that's because we love each other. And we often, we've worked together so long now, we can finish each other's. sentences hand jobs off hand job oh that doesn't even make sense I know I should have just

said off you can finish each other's off I don't know who right there's a path there's an actual path is a path is a path no it's a path yeah this is the best path we've had there's a sign we've done it we've done is it yeah look here's a proper road oh where are we Yeah, right, it's at Wudge, here we go. So there we do. Nature Reserve, first in London. We've done all that.

We've done all my best wood. There's fungi. Copswood. There's insects. There's trees. There's birds. Look at that tree looks fucking heinously satanic. Yeah.

Doesn't it? Yeah. Can you shine a light on that while? I take a photo of that. Yeah, you shine a big gnarly tree branch. The communist trees in Rysletwoods are... The communist trees. The communist trees.

That's what it says. The communist trees in Rizelwood. No, you think of the fan. Carl, ah, Engels. Footpath. Carl Footpath marks. Socialism, social. Red.

Red. Redwood. Yeah, there's a redwood. Communist trees. There's lots of redwood. Yes. Woo! Sorry, everyone.

Can I just surprise. to everyone woods are common uh what does i say what does i say pedunculate oak pedunculate oak yeah pedunculate that is a good word pedunculate why is it everything's so good today like finding the mad best thing and that word peduncular it says podunculate podongculate aspir aspirin

oh there's like yeah pedunculate mad best belong to st catherine's manor I've heard she was pedunculate in the downstairs regions. I think you need to know when to. Stop while you're ahead. She had pendulous labias. Pedunculus labia. Look at that pedunculus labia.

Come on. I know, I'm not, I know, pedunculus labia. That's my new prog metal band. Right. More on the doom side. Oh shit. Make it real, cheap. No, we've got to be careful.

We've got to be in it, because we've got to go through this wood. No, we've got to go through this wood, then we're done. Really? Yeah. Cross, cross, cross, cross, oh, cross. Is this it? Yeah. Public footpath, yeah.

All right, this is the last stretch of the wood and then we're done. Then we can call this out. Really? Yeah. This is a road port. We don't be walking along the road? Yeah, we do, because this is how we get into the wood. Are you sure?

And it says public footpath right there. Is it by the side of the field here? It's right in the middle of it. All right. All right, we're good. Final stretch of the woods. We're off for our Christmas wintry woo-woo walkabout in the woods. Woo!

Woo. about half six and as we record this we are walking upon the most squidgy and potentially wettest and oh deepest slimy bog walk path so we ended up going into the rislet wood which was a mistake because that's not on the path it looked like fucking camp crystal lake and now we're walking along this path which will take us to Harefield where I think in about 40 minutes we'll be done so we are on the vinegar strokes of this walk everyone Eli how are you going in your delicate moccasins for this walk really bad that was really hairy I thought it was going

to break my leg because it was like a gully like a little valley it's still pretty fucking bad here mate it's getting bad again I'm trying to the map breed as well I know But the route we're going is 11 minutes slower than walking along the main road. So there you go. Right. I mean, we could do the main row. We could have. It's too late now.

And also, oh, I've got my little reading light. I'm going to use that instead. See? So... Are you using that man to find out? Yeah. It's light enough for what I need. And it saves my battery on the phone, which is, you know, on its ass.

We've got to keep moving, man. Got to keep moving. This has been one of the darkest walks we've done and with the most intense map breeding from both of us. Oh, it's been a heavy map reading. And the mud just keeps coming. Oh, we're going to go around that. That's a footh, oh, go on you first.

That's a huge one. Go on you first. I'm going to go around this side. Oh, it went in my shoe. Oh, that's fine. you're not an adventure if you can't get bumps and scrapes to the proper muddy adventure I just hope it ends this muddied section

I don't know another muddy another muddy bit we shouldn't be doing this well I can because I've got suitable shoes you however we shouldn't we shouldn't be doing this

that's what our listeners love though they love listening to us struggle through in the middle of nowhere we're not in the middle of nowhere we know exactly where we are there's a maiden road over there we can see traffic

what stop being a baby we're nearly done we're literally nearly done we're just going to get through got to get through this and it's coming it's getting better now all right we're just going to get through this mulchy patch and then we're probably on the home straight yeah it's going to be fine it's going to be fine I have full confidence that we will come out of this stronger the route there so we're there look we're going to take a left go ooh no we're not eight minutes slower no no we're going to follow the blue dots not we're not we're not we're not following the blue dots we are we need to that's the chief that's the quicker route but look we've already started following the grey root well then that's your fault then

yeah but that's what we're doing right otherwise we have to go back and get onto the main no we're going to commit to this now this is the final the final push eli our last walk of 2025. It should be our most challenging. Can you even remember what we did this year? We did the New River. Yes. We did

Crystal Palace. Crystal Palace, the Diard episode thing. Right. We've done loads of walks this year. I know, but I'm just saying I'm trying to remember my own life here, you know? It's hard when you do weekly episodes and it all blurs into one. It's like when people reference something from episode

like 78 or 2. 207 and you think, I don't know. I know, and I think that is compounded by the fact that we improvise. So we have, you know, it comes, it goes, comes out your mouth. Just disappeared. You said it, you know, snarkle-feared or something like that. Gone. Canarkle-feard.

Canarkle-feard? I like the word. I like the word. It's canarkle-feared. Right, I'll tell you what walk-about episodes we've done and gone. I can tell you now. All right, let's keep moving, though. We'll never get to hair filled otherwise.

We'll never get to heaven in a cheeky boy. all right so we did uh the trip to norwich that was a walk about episode and then it became the takashi's castle board game thing okay so that's one oh god oh jesus oh oh no helai said come around here oh no yeah it's gonna have to be this way in it slowly slowly oh shit whoa nearly lost my shoe then oh and that one oh this you know this you know this you know this you know this you know what mate are getting cold feet wet feet right we did night bussen doesn't count uh we did norwich we did the geocaching picnic we did cemetery men when we went to that cemetery oh yeah we did that was uh non eatin none head uh office trip to brighton was this year we went to brighton we went to brighton that's what i can remember the The Amarato Sowers that we drank The Crystal Palace

We had brambles Oh the cocktails, yeah Brambles, Amarato Sowers We did the Crystal Palace diard New River What was our third cocktail? I don't remember I don't think we did get a third

We did? Did we? Brambles Oh maybe we didn't I think we just got Because it was two for one We got two twos Yeah

So yeah the war card episode New River And then with a two part Teddington, Tat Hunt So we've done actually a fair few walks this year What was your favourite? This one's coming to my favourite Just because it is so kind of fucking spookums and odd And wintry

But also I kind of like the cemetery man one And I like the trip back to Brighton I think the Brighton return was a much better adventure for us We went on the train Oh we went on the ghost train Yeah remember we were on the ghost train We didn't have to do anything that got in the way enjoy that ghost train more than it was worth enjoying do you know what i mean i mean it's it was a

terrible of that kind of pretz or dark ride thing anyway i'm just going to stop talking because i think we just need to get through this now this could be uh oh spider web oh marty webb right turn this off do you have any last thoughts before i do so don't get ominous no i mean just like anything you want to say before we wrap up your favorite walk of this year um did we do regents park this year as well no oh my god what's happened to life if you don't think about it it doesn't happen to you we're going to keep on going but i think i think the journey is close to its end for this final wintry-wondery woodland walk i mean it's not if the temperature is very good for walkers is what i'm saying i don't know it's all the

atmosphere i found wintery cunt if he said this was autumn i believe you it's autumn i believe you stop stop i've got a light a jump this fucking sweet path i'll say that for it Right, we are in a fucking field now. Still got 40 minutes to go. We. It got a bit muddy there, didn't it, to say the least? I'm not going to say a little bit. Quite a big, huge, fucking load.

Now the wind's come up. We go in the middle of a field. Every time we think we should get off the trail, we're lowered back in. In this instance, we decided to go across the field because the grass would be better than that fucking woody path. This is the actual Hillington Trail.

That muddy path would be, would have been a slightly shorter route, but this might be better for us in terms of walking. Yes. But fuck me. Honestly, it's like American Whirlp in fucking London this bit. We're literally stood in the middle of a field near fucking hairfield or wherever that fuck it is. There's barely any lights anywhere. It's dark.

It's just a wind. Oh, blimey. mate oh blind me mate yeah we follow this path we says keep the fence on the left and the field on the right and then this will go over and take us towards the church herefield church and then we're done i think the church is it we're done i'm not doing no more now mate i know i'm aware i'm sorry if the recording quality is very blustery at this point but I wanted you to get an idea. I've just what a fucking dog shit with veggie this has become.

I'm glad that we're in the long grass, so I'm going to get some of the excess mud off. That was too muddy. I was actually, my feet was in pain from just having to kind of keep myself steady. That's what I'm saying. You're going to have muscles in your legs aching tomorrow from that. We're rebalancing, constantly balancing.

I'm having a bath tonight, mate. But honestly, I don't think we've ever done a way. walk that felt this fucking desolate we've gone from spooky woods to just like where the fuck are we I know it's quite frightening we're in the middle of fucking nowhere we're gonna get to get the air ambulance oh is that you keeps honking honking going butong no that's you it's got to be you because hey my phone's off right now charging I spend my speaker off that. Oh, that's what the sound is.

Yeah, it's your speaker, I think, trying to connect. It's not important. Your speaker is not important. No, no, no, we stay here. We keep to this path, yeah. We keep to this path, mate. I'm not, I'm following what I know. The wind has definitely picked up.

Or perhaps it's just because we're in the open area. I mean, the wind. 4-5-6 in of the evening. It feels later, doesn't it, though? Yes. I kind of got this, like, mid-man. vibe. Well.

I would say this is a beautiful walk, but I can't see fucking any of it. And I've had to stop taking pictures for our website because it's what do you want to see? We've still got half an hour of this. To go. But it's the last half hour. We've got an end point in sight, mate.

We're good. Here's a plain wave to it. Maybe it'll come and help us. Where the fuck are we? Near Harewood. Where's Harewood? Answer me. I'm frightened.

A fungus attacked me. Oh yeah, you got those things on your balls. And I also attacked my jacket. My pockets full of fucking crap. All right, well anyway, we had a coffee break. We've had numerous examples. I've got soil in my pocket. Mate, you know you said before,

we're not out the wood yet. Well, at least we kind of are now. literally and figuratively because I think we just keep to this path it comes out by a church job done we say goodbye and Merry Christmas this was our December wintry walk which I think has paid dividends it's a good walk but it's not we're not out of the woods yet no I do yeah woo I mean we are out of the woods literally in the old meaning yeah but not figuratively no not figuratively why you keep stopping because every time we're making weight headway you stop to fish out moth balls from your pants not for the first time hey listener ho ho ho no that's it I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm now I'm at that point now

where I just tired and ratty I know we both there Paul we're both there I think I think literally my mood changed at that sign for the trail that we were just at when I nearly went tip first into the mud trying to just fucking get down Yeah. Yeah.

Still, a perfect spiritual sequel to our Selendine walk. And if you ask me, I've enjoyed this more than Sel and Dean. Torval and Dean, Eli. They've changed their name now, haven't they? Have they? I heard maybe that was a dream. Are they married? I don't know.

I know little about Torval and Dean. I'll be honest to you. I know they did the Olympic. and the skating and the Bolero, wasn't it? Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. It's been really muddy again. Pearl and Dean. Duh-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. What's the name with that song? Go on, Eli, the old trivia. What's the name with the Perlin Dean music? Oh! Oh! Oh, this is muddy. Oh, this is muddy. What do you say?

No. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This is not good. No, don't go that way. You're going to fall in. Come back. Come back. We'll go the other way around it.

This is a big fucking puddle. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Right, this, I think, Eli, that path we didn't take circumvent. vents this bit this yes but we have to here now well I'm gonna go slowly sideways along this muddy batch and everything's going up my ass no no no this is no I don't know if this is a good idea oh shit in hell I'm holding on to the branches ah that's got nettles in oh no you know what hang on just this bit

Hang on a horsey. Uh, uh, right, stop here. Hang on, fuck this. There's a style. Is it style? There's a style. Oh no. Oh no, mate.

Is this where we're going to go? I'm going this way. Should we? I don't know. You have to consult the Mac man. I am the map man. You are the Matt man. I can get back on, but we've gone, we're not going Google way.

Right, I'm going to check the map. We're going to stop this because I can't do this and record this. We're near the end and this is getting treacherous. Pray for us, listener, pray. There you go. So I think we had to go through that big puddle and it nearly cost us our lives. I couldn't have recorded and gone through that puddle at the same time. I would have gone in.

There was a style, but there it had us to have feel we couldn't get out of because that would have been see this fence here you like that's what we might have gotten over yeah I don't fancy that but here we are on the top of a hill lovely view stretching out over a valley looking over I presume hairfield that looks like just like a motorway up there or something might be those lines who knows me it's groovy it is groovy but I feel like I've got tetanus because a lot of those thorns went into my knees around the knees I can feel the piercings in my skin yeah my hands have scraped up in my face

Looks like I've had a fight with an ex. So we're at the top of this hill. I think we follow it down, and then there's a road, and then there's a church, and I think that's it. Because there's a flashy light place there. I just want to get home, actually, now. Even when we get to somewhere, we have to figure out home, but we'll do it.

I think all those lights over there are all the HS2 shit being done. Can't escape it. But anyway, we're on the hill. I think we're close to the end. big hill it's called big hill big vert right yeah this episode's too long we couldn't have ended at the lido we wouldn't have missed out on my best woods it's a two-parter it's not a two-parter because next week has to be the office party no one's going to want that i'm not doing that i'm not doing that right let's just carry on walking we're near the end we're going to be close to a road

but right now eli and i stand the top of this field gazing out on the nebulous direction we need to head to fucking well put it's around the hairfield area yeah i just want to see some civilisation it's gotten a bit here we haven't seen fucking anyone i'd love to see like a wild bean cafe i'd forgive them for their wild bean Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? No, I would love a coffee right now like that, frankly.

A wild bean one? A wild-teak a wild bean, it's wild. I want to lick the wild bean. Mate, I want to lick the wild bean. Lick the wild bean. On my recent trip to the Amazon, I licked the wild bean. Strange custom. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You brought it up. No, you cut it. Well, you do it. It's fine. I do. I'll leave all your racists. Oh, there's a sign there.

what's that fucking sign say what's that fucking sign say blot wait it's still muddy don't hang on what does it fucking say yeah a nice bit of concrete feels good public footpath public footpath

it's pointing to another field we're not I don't what are we doing there's a style so yeah we're coming out of here Fuck it, we're doing, we're going this way down the path. Yeah. I don't think it is. Mate, if we go that way, we're going back the way we came.

If we're going that way, we're going away from where we need to be. So we have to go and commit to this. All right, come on. Best foot forward, little desperandum. We're off. The last push. We're coming home, Mama. We're coming home for Christmas.

We're going to be able to be. I'm sorry, mate. Is this water? What is this concrete or water? What is this concrete or water? What is this? I'm frightened. Oh, it's concrete? Generally panning them thinking that was a great big puddle of water. Mate, what's that smell? Mate, what's that smell? Drain, stagnant walks. As if to not compound the end of this fucking... I'm going to go around that way.

I think we're going to be better than this way. But there's like... Fuck it out. This walk's taking a fucking turn, hasn't it? Yes. There's a real pundant... That is a deep egg. That's deep...

Deep egg. Oh, I can't take any more of this fucking muddy water bollocks. I can't. The joy has left me. I've got my mud muffy. No, my muffy mud. My muff muddy. Oh, I've got to get off.

I've got to get going. Is this really the way? I don't think this is the way. This is just someone's house, mate. We're just walking towards someone's house. Well this is a path though I think we follow it around to the left because look there's a church there

I think that's the church I think we follow it left I hope we follow it left oh god where fuck are we I don't know if we go straight across but I think that's the church I can't because it's dark

and you've got your phone and gone all right hang on right be right back back right back right after consulting the map this is such a bad idea the battery on the light has just died so we are now hoping

This is the right direction. I think, judging on what it said, is to follow the hedgerow. Watch the head row on the right. Yes, that's right. Follow it down. There's right every time so far, Paul. But I just wanted to end now, because we're in the middle of, we're outside London. What the fuck's going on?

How are we getting home? There's a kissing gate at the end of this path. That's not what it means. What does it mean? It means that the... You're going to give me a kiss. Like I said earlier. Like, I'd never...

You give me the ick in Ick in Ikemen, okay? Well, you give me. give me the hill in Hillingdon and you give me the head in headfield where are we now headfield hot hairfield oh you get me head who are hair who are hair who are hair look at that ominous what I didn't even notice that phone there I didn't even notice that before oh someone lives there probably heard us mad rants Live there, mate. That's where you process pig slurry or whatever.

You don't process pig slurry. One does. What for? Mnuer. All right. He's nothing. He's got nothing. I got nothing.

It was a solid answer. What do you want? Right. I think we're close to the end. One big push. And then this episode's fucking over. I'll say it as many times as I fucking have to. On the off chance,

I don't decide to press record again, which is likely. Again, I like to say to you when you're listening to this, check the running time left of this episode. If it says two to three minutes, we're all good. If it says 25, then something's about to go wrong. But I think we're nearly there now. I think we're nearly there. I thought it was a church

but it's just someone's fucking big kitchen in a nice country house oh no so it might not be the right way at all well I mean we're not too far off we've got to be somewhere in here a main road

let's just stick to this path mate it seems to be going to the road doesn't it yeah can we get a taxi yes we'll figure out the least the most well do you reckon he'll let us in with our muddy shoes you might shout at us

and say get out of the cab and there's also loads of fucking holes around there which I presume would be what moles or badgers what makes holes there's the pond there's a pond yeah and it did say there was ponds and a kissing gate

okay good and there's something to walk into a fucking pond do you reckon that house is orangeed I reckon so oh no we're going round the side of this round the side of the pond I don't want to end up in a pond at the end of this you don't want to end up in the pond it goes into the path goes into the bush oh let's go get on the road there all right

you just go in here is it meant to i kind of feel like we should go this is not where we're meant to go no this doesn't no this doesn't seem right what you mean look you look in there and see if that looks like an appropriate path it's just shrubbery i think we just follow it round no but i presume we'd have the word with all to avoid that considering we we we're we have a path to follow yes it's like two there's one on either side that could have that could have sent us straight into a pond mate ever think about that it's the road is just there no it's not the road i can't see you're taking us into a pond i'm not taking us into a pond this is a pathway keep your spirits up ely we're early done that's a big oh there's a big

badger there is it a hole no it's just marsh i can't see shit i honestly thought we're near the end then when i saw the house i thought there's going to be a gate and a path and a lovely woman holding a big cup of coffee going here you go paul because you've had a nice walk watch this it's a gate is this the kissing gate yeah why is it a kissing gate Is that what they call the gates where you move the fence back and forth? Kissing gates. I have never heard that before. Mate, is this here?

Kiss. Mate, yep, Hillingham Trail sign. And yet, we're still on a fucking path. It's just another fucking path. It must be this way, right? It must be down this way. it must be this way come on come on they must be it has to be because if you're coming up this way you're walking right you're gonna see the sign there pointing

to the trail that way so it's got to be this way it's got to be it's got to be so gee this way mate can I just say something I've got very wet hems my HEMS are, I am furious with my wet Hems. We're not going to be able to get a taxi because we're all muddy. Can we just, can we just get to the end of this fucking trial? Well, we've been trying. This is more of a trial than a trail. How many miles have we done? If we go by what the map says, we've done 10, maybe

10 and a half miles today. Really? Part one was four and a half and that was five. And we went around the houses a little bit and we walked a little bit too far into Mad Best Wood so that might have had another half a mile or so so I reckon yeah 10 to 10 and off it is the way isn't it it is the way my son we're going towards civilisation but if at some point I see a church that looks like a church doesn't it that's an outer street sign okay this has to be it look this path has to be it there's a main road just out of sight over there did take a left after the kissing game yes it did okay well then it is now actually I'm lying I don't know

what it said. You have a look at the map. You look. I don't have me magnifying glass no more to see. I'm going to shine my phone on it. That means we can work as a team. Kissing gate. Oh Christ. Right. Blah blah blah. Down to the kissing gate beneath some fine old specimen trees. Passing the pond on the left

and two on the right. And then it just says there's the church. Did you see a church? No. How can we get out? Can we get out? It must be this way. Okay. It must because that sign for the healing is only visible if you're coming up from this direction we're nearly there I keep saying this

you know what if you're right is that the Lord of the Rings in that this has got 17 fucking endings and it won't end but look I definitely think we're close I definitely think we're close good thing wolves have were eliminated from Britain isn't it they got to introduce them aren't they

they wouldn't not around it not round here because there's too many forms you don't want wolves near your pigs and chickens where would they put it just in the highlands and they put wolves up your arse didn't they introduce beavers back to the Scottish Highlands recently yeah that's a thing isn't it rewilding yeah I'm just saying I wouldn't want to know there was some kind of native population of wolves here well God I keep seeing I think I'm seeing a figure what is that it's a post that's a post isn't it? No, I thought that. I thought there was just a man standing there. Or maybe it's

mad best come to get us. Yep. Yep, no good stuff. You're like, no, keep the bans going. Oh, I can't. My legs hurt. I know. I am at that point now. There's another style. You know, there's a, there's a... Yeah, here comes the gag. There's a group of them that get together to decide what to do next. I believe they're called the style council. Yeah. All right. Stye council. Thank you. They're called Stey's. I know, but I did the style. No, you call the Stye Council.

They're called Style on the fucking printer. I've been reading out. Oh, yeah, no, it is style. A style is what you put pigs in. Or you get in your eye. Yeah. I thought you can call them a stye as well, though, these things. Well, either way.

I don't give a fuck. Here we are, mate. Look, this is it. Now, I've got one more map in my bag. Do you want to see what we could have done? No. Because there is a part three to. this journey turn right onto some good that fucking thing was and here we are the big gate

fucking hell and this isn't even the start of the fucking stop hey it's a london bus stop fucking hell what buses have we got here three three one and the u nine and the u nine oh oh i don't know which i don't know which i don't know which direction is best there's another one on the side of the road i think we should yeah we could actually you want to just do that keep it safe yeah elight shake me hand well done that's the hill and and then and trail done yeah well done we're at the bus stop priory avenue toward denimore rucksbridge 3-3-1-U-9. Let's just see how long it takes.

Not that long, I don't think. I'm kind of curious to see what the other direction is. What you can see? Just to see. We're here. We're here. Upbridge 12 minutes. That's nothing this time of night.

How often do they count? Also the U-9. Well, it's a big fucking map there, dickhead. So check it out. Alright, Dickett. Between 8 o'clock. What time is it now? Dickhead.

Quarter to seven. All right, OK. So then, shine it up there again, please, for me, would you, darling. Dickhead? Would you dickhead darling? Dickhead darling. So there should be one. One coming. 38, 57. Quarter past seven, half seven. So there should be one soon, right? What should you say? 57, sorry, 10 minutes. All right, let's wait 10 minutes. Oh, 10 minutes. 10 minutes. Yeah, we've just missed one, so yeah. I'm going to look over the side of the road just for shits and giggles to see what the other direction takes you. That's it.

I won't be Vaughn right summing up in a moment but that's it this is the end of the thing congratulations us we're in the coal valley regional park area great oh god it's between you and me while Eli's over there i do regret this walk cross it over look both ways I don't know. U-9 to Uxbridge We're on the bus, everyone Hello everyone, we got on the bus

That was epic And it felt quite hopeless at times slothing through the mud Didn't it? It felt like penance for a year of bad behaviour Yeah, it really did. It was almost Sisyphean. It was, yes. Good.

Thank you. Anyway, this is just a quick thing to say. We're safe on the bus, everyone. Don't worry, we're heading to Uxbridge. We're going to throw my shoes out. I think that's a first. That's a first for Cheap Show. Yeah, we get to throw your shoes out.

I've had them for a couple of years already, so. It's a not all bad way to send them off. You know what I mean? Send them off to the over Ghostland shoes. My pocket was so. By birds, it's hard to believe everybody. Yeah, when you throw your shoes away, don't worry their souls will live on. Woo!

I think we're at the sort when we get to Uxbridge Station, mate. How about that? Alright, let's just relax. We're on the 3-3-1. 3-1. 3-1, not the 1-1-3. And we're going through a place called the furrows. Yeah, which is nice. Like my brow.

Like what we were slothing through. Muddy furrows, mate. Slothing journey. Nice. Can we just turn this off now? It's a little. It's up to you. I'm turning it off. I am in control.

Yes. I am in control. Turn it off then. I'm not to say. Cheers, thank you. Oh yeah. Oh, my legs don't work. Say again?

Yorkshire Station, yeah. Just up that way. Cheers, man. Thank you very much. That was very kind of him. Oh, but I can't walk anymore. Oh, mate, oh yes, just there. I know where we are now. Just saying, do you want to, um, oh, he's waved us across the road. That was also very nice of him.

Too nice. Anyway, oh shit. Now my feet hurt. I can't, my feet are so sore. Usually it kicks in in the morning, but it's kicked in now. We're not as young as we used to be, mate. We just sat down for ten minutes, didn't we? On the bus. Well, Uxbridge's one of my favourite stations. Fantastic modernist concrete work. Yes.

Do you recall? I do. We're just going to jump on the tube now, aren't we? We are, go home. Yeah. Finally. Ooh, that was a long one. So, overall, to wrap up this week's episode, I enjoyed that walk, but I...

I did not enjoy that last section, I have to say. The caveat being, that last hour. was pretty hardcore. It was fucking brutal. Just genuinely, a genuine brutal slog. Yes, I'm going to have to throw my shoes out like I keep saying. I'm going to have to throw my pants out, mate. After all that brown beef I've been squirting out on the roots.

Look at these. Wow. I'm going to have to wash my trousers in the sink or something. You look like a speckled egg. Right, well, do you want to say anything? Well, next week, Mr. Silverman, office Christmas party where we get to celebrate our year. We have to walk about on that as well, don't we?

Not as often as we did today. In fact, it might be a, go to a pub and then Uber back. All right, you know, you're talking my language. So don't worry about it. You can get the U2 from here. Didn't we do that gag last time we did this route? Yeah. Because there was the U2 route.

Was it the Eli bus? Still haven't found what I'm looking for, though. Good. Actung, baby. Right, shut up. I know what I said. Right. Do you want to say anything before we sign off?

Thanks for listening. Do you want to say it to the mic? thanks for listening everybody thank you for listening for our final walk of 2025 we are now getting on the underground i'm going home for a bath before i start editing whatever the fuck this week's episode was um he lives going home and next week is our office christmas party you are all welcome to listen in and enjoy next week great i like the fact that our finale is right by a dirty bin machine dump truck car you know what i was going to do it's going to find a macdonald and have a bite to eat before i got on the train really isn't quite a lot of hungry would you like to join me in the Christmas McDonald's meal yes please come with me Eli I know where it is you come with me and we'll sign off with a basket it's right just up there gonna do it yes on me yes please thank you all right in that case we'll see you next week on cheap show bye I was gonna say something witty but I'm too

fucking exhausted see at the office Christmas party next week bye bye bye La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La la Goodness me, I'm all out of breath now! Thank you.