CheapShow - Ep 473: Book Nook

Episode Date: February 6, 2026

Things have been a bit full on lately, so let’s all just calm down and retreat to Paul’s Book Nook, where he stores the finest charity shop tomes. There’s been a bit of “behind the scenes” drama brewing with a few of the CheapShow Characters, so Eli is more than happy to wander down to his co-host’s cosy chamber to read a few books by the fireside. Gannon’s found a load of interesting books to show off and can’t wait to do so. It starts with a bit of a Fortean trip as the cheap chaps dive into the pages of “World Famous Weird News Stories”, then they talk too long about the various Red Dwarf publications that came out of the 1990s and finally discuss if the “Roger Moore & The Crimefighters” book can be sued for false advertising! As the nights remain cold, why not wrap up warm in the CheapShow Book Nook!? See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-473-book-nook www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

I don't know why are you... Tis me hips. Let's just start again. Tis me hips. Please, can we start again, please? Hello, Paul. Hello, P-Lai. I didn't mean to say P-Lai.

That's good, though. I didn't mean to say P-Ly-Ly-Ly. I don't know why. I think I got confused. I thought I was going to almost say my name. It's a good... I like insults that only change one little thing about something, you know? Yeah.

Like one word reviews. Yeah. House of Wax becomes House of Wack, for example. Other examples. I can't think of anything. Have a good examples, aren't there are other good examples, I'm sure, but we're not going to get them right now. Hello, everyone.

Welcome to Cheap Show. This is the podcast. Hello, Eli. Hello, Eli. Hello, Eli. Hello, Eli. Hello, everybody. There's going to be no problem today.

Hey, ha, or... Two things, Paul. Yeah? I just want to make slight corrections, okay? Was that not one of them? No, I'm starting to count things now. One. No, that's not the thing.

I haven't said the first thing. I know, but I'm saying one, as in this is your leading to tell me the first thing. Yeah, but one. but that was thing zero. No, that wasn't a thing. Well, is zero a thing? Zero is the absence of thing.

Zero has to be a thing for it to be known as zero. So there has to be something called zero for it to have a name. Would you say the hole in a donut ring is a thing? Yes. A donut ring. It's there by lieu of its absence. Now. Yeah.

One. Come on. I'll tell you the one. Yeah. Right. I'll tell you the one, the really, really one. Do you remember last week there was a playing card, one of the things, was a playing card.

bottle opener. Yes. And I said it's the wrong suit because it's always the ace of spades that has the larger. It's always larger. I didn't explain it. I was corrected online.

So let me just bring that to everyone. Bring it to the table while we go before we get into the podcast proper. I didn't actually know, but it's to do with the, you have to display a trademark on the ace of spades as a sort of proof of tax or something of it.

It's a tax, proof of tax thing. But that's because you have to register if you make playing cards. because of cheating. So it's sort of like a mark saying this has been checked and these aren't marked, these aren't dodgy in any way. Do you have to do that if you release cards for magic shows? Like, you know, magic sets that are all purposely funny cards and stuff like that,

like Svangali Pack or whatever they call it? Yes, those magic decks are a completely different thing. So they won't have a big ace on them, but they will have a big ace on them because they have to look like real cards. Yes. Anyway, anyway, and the second thing is from, I was corrected online. I'm enjoying this. I like this corrections part of the show.

I was corrected online when I said... You have a big penis. God, I never say that. I don't say that. All the women got in touch to correct you. And they both said... Hundreds of them, yeah. They both said.

They both said, teeny weeny, Eli. Yes. Any more? He puts the Eli in teeny Ely. Go on now, what's the second thing? Sorry, you were corrected online. I said on one of our cheap shop videos, which is our YouTube content, everybody. Our fortnightly content.

I said that pecont, pecan't. Oh, yeah. And spicy, but it just means tasty, tangy. But I looked into this and there is a Spanish word, Picante, right? Yeah. Very similar. Yeah. Which does mean spicy.

So that's where I'm getting confused, do you see? And didn't you also say your whole use of the word aptitude was Billy bollocks and all? Amplitude. Yeah. I think that was made up by me. Some misremembered. Hey, but you owned it. I'll say that.

That's an actual concept. That you've owned what you have now. By the way, everyone, amplitude is my concept. for when you taste something and the flavors, although distinctly perceptible to the tongue and mind, has an alchemy? Yes. Has an alchemy?

Exactly. Speaking of alchemy, did you hear that they accidentally turned lead into gold recently? Did they? I read it on the internet. I can't remember the sources now. No, they didn't. No, someone was testing something for something else

and then it accidentally made lead into gold. Well, you can't. You have to change the molecular structure. Well, I read it on the internet, so it must be true. It might be one molecule of lead, which they zapped. I'd have to lose or gain electrons. I regret, bringing this up. You know, because each, it's the atomic number.

Laird and gold are different. You see what I mean? And that atomic number is to do with how many electrons. What is the atomic number? What is the atomic number? Oh, it's not a specific one. The atomic number is just where it's been placed on the periodic table. Oh, okay.

I thought you were to talk about a specific number. Then I was going to go, three is an atomic number. And that's it. I mean, three might be an atomic number. Atomic kitten. There are three of them. But they're where? I'm making connections, mate.

I'm making connections. Incy Wincy Spider connections. What I'm saying is I have no idea of how to get into the credit music now from this point. Well, I've lost it. I don't want to do the episode anymore. Well, neither do I. So just press the fucking thing. Let's toss this coin and if it says yes, we'll do the podcast.

And if it says no, we won't be doing the podcast. We both know we've got to do the podcast. We've done five minutes made. That's not a podcast. Some people would call that a podcast. When it gets online and goes in your ears. No, but when at what minute? does it turn from a promo to a podcast?

Five minutes. Really? Yeah, maybe 10. I would, if I was a subscriber to a podcast, say, you know, bogey cakes are us or something like that. Yeah, they're good then. Yeah, they are very good. You know, move on because we're not going to go anywhere with that. Go on, just get to the point.

This is a long hole open. If I was, if I was, and I was listening to Boogie Cakes Are Us and I listened to all of them, and I waited with bated breath for the next Boogie Cakes Are Us episode, yeah? Yeah. And, oh, the pigeon's having a fight. outside of your... Is it? Yeah.

It's all action here. Pigeon fights. And then it was one, and I was listening every week and it was... I get genuinely bored now, actually. It was an hour long. Because we all know what you're about to say.

And then it was suddenly five minutes. I'd go, that's not a bloody podcast. Well, it's free. So you can do what you get given. Deal with what you get given. Deal with what I get given. I'm going to toss this coin. We either do the podcast, yes,

or the podcast, no. Here we go. It's bullshit. We'll see. Oh, we're doing the podcast. Oh, I've dropped it. Oh, careful. We're doing the podcast.

Press the fucking credit. Sources and words and phrases. Who things I'm responsible for? I got to be useful coffee. Jeep show to... I've dropped me coin. Paul's lost his coin. It's his favourite thing.

Where's me dinner? I lost me coin. Who says that? The old granddad from bread. Oh, hello. Welcome to Jeep show. It is an economy comedy podcast where every week, Eli and I go through bargain bins, charity shops and pound land et al of the UK and bring you back

the treasure we find amongst all of that potential trash. And abroad. And abroad. We also do open our borders to other countries to deliver its tat to us and we will price it, review it, taste it, renew it for you. We will, we'll taste, test everything for you. I have an update. So do you know, on our Patreon pod I mentioned that I bought a couple of vinals, right?

Just want to update you because I got a few, right? I'm not going to play them. Oh, he's got vinyl. He's bringing vinyl out now. Just a very quick one. Because I got to my challenge shop. Oh, Jesus! God!

It's all kicking off. Be proton pack collapsed. The proton pack attacked him. So, first of all, okay, so it's over there now, so I'm not going to get it. But I'm sorry I'm having a clue album. I was like, hey, sadly, everybody got two copies of that, so that's now the third. It just had a different cover. Oh, they sometimes have variations.

You know those BBC ones that I collect? They have those. So they're all like the same thing. They did lots of them, yeah. They sold a lot. of records in the golden age of vinyl, didn't they? Yeah, and then I got this, commercial classics. That's excellent.

It's not, though, because I thought, oh, it's going to be like weird stock library music from advert, and it's not, it's just a collection of classical hits that have been used in albums, so, you know, the barbara of Seville. That's disappointing. I should have looked closer to be fair. That's really disappointing. But I was swept up in the moment and the reverie. Yeah, that sucks.

However, the last album I got was the one I just bought for a laugh so I could, you know, use the rest of my change. job and it was, this is Regvarnie on the 88 to Abbey Road. Regvarnie actor who was mostly, in fact, really only really well known for on the buses where he played a lecherous, dirty old man who drove a bus. Who shouldn't have been allowed to drive the bus? No, it's rather unpleasant. However, off the back of that success, he was allowed to do what he really loved, which would be a song and dance man. It's a song and dance man. So this is him on the piano, because he plays the piano, with a little orchestra stroke band.

And it's one of his favorite hits and songs. And honestly, not bad? Fucking lovely. I loved it. Yeah. Cool. And what I'm going to do is I'm just going to drop in very quickly.

Which one? The first track, which is... The Dark Town Strutters Ball. Yes. That guy Joe Brown did a version of. Very likely. It is a... It's like a rock and rolly sort of thing.

No, no. It's a boogie-woogie ragtime piano track, right? But what I like about it is it has this bonzo dog energy at the beginning where he's just like, oh, I've started on my own. Oh, so I was going to play the piano and then like, so, hello, Tom, you joined the drums, have you? And like the band builds as the song builds. I wonder how many LPs he was allowed to.

Quite a few. He's got quite a few. It's like he's got like, have a party with Reg Varnie or something like that. But these are just him playing the piano and singing. And some of his songs, a bit of out of his range. Like, I think he does it. I did it my way or something. And he, you know, his heart's there, but his voice isn't.

Oh, no, you know what? I'm getting confused. He sings the good life on this. Okay. And like, he's like, oh, the. good life the good life. It's a sort of a standard.

Oh, the good life. It's something that one of those crooners would have done. It's very much like a Sinatra track. So he can't quite do it. But there's two tracks on there. One's called, Come on and Tickle My Fancy. Best pair of legs in the business. And they are big vaudeville numbers.

Which came from a film he did, which is really interesting. I come on the title right now. What kind of film? He plays a failed comedian who works and of Butlands as a drag artist. And so the song he sings, he's in full drag. Why, is it lost that film?

No, you can see it. It's by a playwright who went on to write for the swine or weird shit like that. Okay, yeah. But this was a play turned into a film. And so he sings songs from it because he's a drag artist. But it's a bit of a tragedy kind of thing, you know, like imagine the wrestler was set in the 70s starting Reg Varnie. Yeah.

Yeah. This is Regvani and it really is. And honestly, playing piano. Yeah, that's what the 88s mean. The 88s. That's what the 88s. In these, in it? 88 keys.

But there's the first ever rock and roll song, my AEA, my Rocket AEA. Okay, maybe that's what it means then. Which has had... Do da, doda, do da, doda, do... Ike Turner playing on it. Ike Turner? Yes. Oh, there you go.

So anyway, just to give you a little bit of a taste, here is the bit of the dark-octown strutters ball. It's a nice little comedy piece that shows off his piano prowess. I'm sorry, Mr. Producer, I've had to start on my own. They're not here. An awful lonely, yeah? Tell you. Oh, well... Oh, you've arrived after Elf?

Oh, good. Where's the rest of the boys? What do you mean doing the boozer? I've told the producer we're going to start. It's marvellous. I bet Harry was the instigator. Harry, Harry took you over here. I'll tell you, folks, if you want anything about booze,

ask Harry, he knows. I said, well, one morning, I said, how'd you queue a hangover? He said, keep drinking. Oh, oh. All right, George, see, you've arrived. Lovely. Oh, yes, that's nice.

Oh, great, yes. Oh, they're gradually creeping in. Now we're getting to move, aren't we? So there you go. Reg Varnie, a little bit of vinyl. Just for you today, but just so you know. We love a little bit of vinyl. That's not what we're talking about today.

No price of tat. No... Price of tat. No price of shite tat. No food. No gadgets. No drinks. No sod.

No needles. What? I've got balls for you. Those trolley originals. Two trolley original Spungy Bulls Maybe I mentioned A trolley

You may remember You're gonna roll in two big balls On a trolley for me In a trough yeah A self-supported poulties trough Like a wheelbarrow Well it's got leather straps And you get the poultry's tray

Right up there Right up there Boults is up there Anyway what we are doing today Anyway Paul Is we are doing Do you don't want to taste my trolley balls Do you know

Do you? I do I will Okay When we have a break I'll get those I would like that very much Just because it's going to be very taxing. I know what's happening on today's episode.

Let everyone know. I'm going to tell them now. What we're doing is we're doing a book episode. We're doing a book episode. A book episode is what we're doing. An episode about the books I've seen in charity shops. And in one case, on a table in Morrison's going for 25 peach. Oh, did you pick that up?

All these books, these three stack here were all... You didn't pick up that crime one. No, because you didn't reply to my fucking message. Fine. It looked a bit tanty. Because you never reply to my messages. I go, Eli, here's an important message. message which is time sensitive.

Would you like me to do this? And then I hear nothing. Don't even know if it's been read. It knows what he turned up on Monday and then put his hand on that and go, give me money. God. What it's fucking like to work with Eli. So anyway, that's what we're doing today.

We're going to go to Paul's Reading Room and we're going to settle down with a few books and tell you what we found in the charity shops. Oh, nice little, oh, cozy, cozy, wintry, wintery, coldy, log fire, crickle, crackle, tick-tock, clock, reading room What kind of logs are you using? Pizza logs. Poos.

That's one of my earliest memories. What's shitting in a fire? Is when the bonfire, they put poo. There's poo in the leaves, dog shit in the leaves, and they put it on the fire, and you could smell it when it burnt. And you think, ugh. That's never been something I've experienced or known it was about. I experienced it.

Round Guy Fawks. Southerners. Disgusting Southerners. Oh, Governor, let's burn our shit leaves on the old Guy Forks pile. Oh, my governor. You don't see people. Penny for the guy much more. You don't, do you? No, you really don't see Penny for the guy no more.

Because I think people find it, ooh. It's begging, isn't it? It's basically begging, with some tight stuffed up on a wheelchair or something. Tesco bag with a balloon on, with a fake scrawled on and a beanie hat on or some. I like that kind of folk stuff, you know? Yeah, we just don't do it no now. We don't do it no more. We don't burn them. We don't burn them no more, do we? Don't burn the forks no more.

So, uh, uh, I'm gone. What? I've got a message. Uh, hang on, I let this out, don't worry. Oh, it's a voice message on WhatsApp from Brandoff. Oh, fuck's sake, man. He says, please listen. Should I?

Yeah. All right, hang on. Play. Hello, Paul, Rof Rof. Yes, I suppose. Rof, anyway, it's concerning content house. Now, it's a really important project, Paul. And, you know, I always think of you boys,

when I've got something that's going to make a lot of money. He's going to make a lot, Rof, Ruff, a lot of money for me and you, if you just play ball, okay? So I've had John Gunty. I've had him on the phone, Rof Ruff, and I said maybe you could give him, you know, a little bit of segment on the show. And he's very upset. He's got a lot of frozen food he had in a bag, and it was all melting all over my floor. So please, if you could just give him, just, you know, don't have to give him a whole, whatever it is, just two minutes, just just just. him talk about food. You like that? He likes food. It's all fine. He's very, very keen. And, you know,

I just really have a lot of things in place now. A lot of plates, Roth, Roth, spinning with Conte House, and I need Guntie on my side. Okay? Ruff, Ruff, so please, if you need, if you need me to make this more clear to you, Rof Rof. So anyway, hope you're well. Hopefully lies Rof, okay. We've got, it's very exciting, actually, what's about to go down, here and I'm just about get the piss showers put in and the piss sluces and everything. Anyway, I've got to go,

Roth, Roth. Love you, bye-bye. Fuck's sake. I don't know what to say to that. What's how about? Mate, he, as far as I'm aware, Brandoff is setting up some kind of live stream, non-stop, 24-7 content house. Where all our characters are going to be living,

he's going to launch it, blah, blah, blah, blah. What I've figured out is that it seems that Gunty owns property. And one of those properties is the way Brandoft wants the fucking house to be, the content house. But it's like, I don't know what this has got to do with us. I don't want anything to do with it. Well, you just let Ganti, I mean... Actually, you know what?

I've been thinking ahead. I've got an idea. What? I'm going to leave a message. Hang on. One second. Hello, Brandoff. Yeah, thank you.

A couple of things. One, I don't, we don't want anything to do with your content house, all right? Just because... We're a cheap show. We're cheap show. And we've kind of been burnt by you before, so you do it. Well, you should... You do you, but we're not getting involved, all, we don't care.

Second of all, if you really want this fucking property, how about you do something for us, okay? I need a technician, I need a science guy for a project I'm working on. So how... Yeah, I'll tell you about it later. I've just got thought bubbling. I need a tech science guy, all right, Brandoff. So if you can get me that, right, I'll give Gunty a tiny segment on the show

and then you get what you want and I get what I want, all right? I don't care about money. I don't care about Content House, but I need... Does he know science, guys? Look, mate, his connections, if he doesn't, he will. All right? Okay.

He'll figure it out. So, yeah, all right, Brandoff, all right? Love you, I guess. I don't. Yeah, he doesn't. And I don't really. But it's a pleasantry, isn't it? We'll leave it like that.

But yeah, hopefully, if he does something for... I should have asked for money as well. Just weird. Should have maybe asked for some money. Well, I don't... It doesn't matter. Anyway, look, ignore that for now. It doesn't affect us.

Okay, fine. It doesn't affect us. It's distracting all of this crap. You know what I mean? Why does it even involve us at all? Like with this? Because we're a crutch, aren't we for him? It's like we give him legitimacy for some fucking reason.

And since he's been to jail and dead and brought back to life and all those horrible things that have happened to all of them, they're all a bit gone in the head, aren't they? I'm happy they're over there and not here, frankly. Yeah, I know. Anyway, further the way, the better. Right. Shall we crack on with this week's fucking episode?

Yeah. Because I want to take it to me reading room. You're reading nook? Yeah. Is it a little comfy no? A comfy nook. Where is it? I'll show you.

All right. I've got a secret passage. Okay, I'll follow you. Yeah, all right. Here we go. Follow me, boys and girls. We're going to Paul's reading nook. Is it along here then?

No, it's in the corner. Look. What? I moved this book. And look, there you go. Wow. The fireplace moves out the way. Oh, thanks for showing me this.

Come on down here. Oh, you know what? Paul really likes me. Takes me everywhere. I always find my way home, though. Come on, you. Did anyone get that? No, I didn't get it.

Follow me down this corridor. Come on. Oh, fuck. Here we are. Special room. I'm so shit. Yeah. It's all right, mate.

I do the heavy lifting here. So we're all right. I do. I do. How in you? And in that respect, that's a sad indictment of this podcast. So shall we move on? Or shall I hang a bigger lantern on your shitness?

Yeah, you got nothing. Let's move on because Paul's best. Here we go. Paul's best. It's the Paul Gannon's best show. Right, here we go. Here's my reading knuck. Oh, it's lovely nook.

I haven't opened the door yet. I haven't put the sound effect. Well, how much did I know? Because I put the sound effect in, don't I? I can't hear the sound effect before end. That's not my fault, is it? That's not my fault you can't hear sounds in your head. I'm going to spunk in your nook.

We both know it. We both know... I would be remiss if I didn't say it was already a place I go to to ejaculate. In fact, you say nook, this is blatantly just a refurbished trackbots charging dead. Yeah, but I put it on its side. I put some pillows in. smell fish. It's a really

hard smell to get out. It really is. When you've had like, I don't know, like 70 man fat doses splodged all over it, it's really hard to get that kind of, kind of like, the only way I can describe, it is like fish and play-doh.

It's just, that's good attempt. He's grasping, good. Because there's some, there is a sort of almost a medical smell to it. That's what you're getting out with the play-doh. Yeah. Anyway, wheat yeast, musk kind of... Week yeast.

I think that says strewn onions second album. It is, weak yeast. Yeah. Right, well, you're getting to me nook. Come on. Oh, I'm coming in the nook. Here we go, here we go. I'll come in with you.

Here we go. I'll put the fire on. Oh, you've done this. All right. It's quite nice, this. Yeah, no, there's a nice little fireplace. Who was that velvet? Yeah.

It's very cozy. Because when we're in the book, nook, Paul's booknook, we have to relax. And I've found some. books today. Oh, that's good. Of which we will be looking into a little bit more in depth that I found in charity shops. What do you want to start with? I'll tell you what, let's start with the world famous weird news stories book, which was sent to us a while ago. We didn't have time to read. Oh, it was it? Yeah, it was part of the PO box delivery and we didn't have time to read it because

it was one of those, wow, there's 700 things in here kind of thing. The thing is with a weird news story book, it used to be a very popular genre, that type of thing. Yeah. Yeah. Strange stories, you know, little, you know, believe it or not, Ripley's believe it or not, that kind of thing. It was a newspaper, wasn't it? The Weekly World News or whatever it was called, which had like loads of UFOs and conspiracies and cryptozoology stuff. I feel like with the advent of this post-truth internet, it's like a genre that's sort of passed into nothingness.

Well, it's just everywhere now. It's everywhere. Fake news, you know. Well, yeah. Well, it's also less criticized or less like evaluated because back in the day you'd look at this and go, what a load of shit. Ha ha ha ha ha. but what a funny read, what a world we live in, right?

Yeah. But now you put this online with some of the other stories you hear, and it's actually like piss weak gravy nonsense. It's like it's almost charming in its kind of weakness. It's naivety almost, yeah. Okay. Well, let's see, let's read out, I'll see what you mean. Let's read out something.

The book is, basically, I'll read the back. Every day the world's newspapers confirm what we all know, that life can be very strange from a town in Louisiana where it is illegal to wear a startling hat to the man who wanted to organize. his own crucifixion in Nottingham. This will guarantee that the actions of your fellow human beings will always surprise you. So apparently this is taken from newspaper articles around the world over an indistinct time period.

Yeah. But do you want to... I'll read one out. Yeah. So chapter one is believe it or not. So you've got strange animal stories, laws and lawsuits, aliens, psych occurrences, bizarre crimes, mistakes, freaks and accidents, peculiar behavior, scientific experiments. I like peculiar behavior. Chapter 2 is odd facts, so I don't think we'll get much out of that.

Chapter 3 is the weird and the spooky, so seeing the future, seeing the past out of body, vampires, 8-man, wear wolf, poltergeis. There's a lot. There seems to be an emphasis on the paranormal here. Well, the first half, and then the second half of the book is like chapter four, classic one-liners. So it's just like quotes from celebrities. Headlines. Yeah. No, not even that.

It's like quotes. It's a rag bag, rag tag bag. It's like critic James Aigate says, the English instinctively admire a man who has no talent and is modest about it. Can I? Yeah, well, I just want to finish up the chapters. One is called boobs and miss prints, so it's like the stuff you get on That's Life. I've got a twinge there when you said boobs.

Booms and Miss Prince. But it's just like, you know, The Rapists Party Tonight at Six, but actually it's meant to be Therapist Party Tonight at Six. It's that kind of thing. I also got a twinge pool when you said about the guy arranging his own crucifix.

I can't know where that is. My knob just bobbed up there. Did you? And did a little rub rub on the denim. I wonder where that will be in these stories. No one's listening to me. I am. Sadly.

Sadly. I want to try and find that Nottingham Crucifixion story but it could be anywhere in this book. Could I read a one-liner out? They're quick and easy, aren't they? So let's do a couple more of those. Literally it's like a two pages worth so you can scroll through and find one.

All right, let's see. Lincoln, I like this because it's about coffee. Abraham Lincoln. Yes. Yes. If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Fucking hell, that's...

Offo, off, off, off, off, off, that sucks. I'm sorry. I don't get a laugh back in the day. Wow. He couldn't tell why he burnt his mouth or something. He's basically saying, whatever this is, his hot muck. It's just brown water.

In real life, you went, what's this fucking shit? I'll kill you. I'll kill you. Poisoner William Palmer on the scaffold, meaning just about to hang, yeah. Are you sure this damn thing's safe? You know what? If I have the chance to have to know what my final words are going to be, because, you know, I'm about to be hung or something,

I don't think I want to be witty. I'll just rage against the world. Yeah. Oh, it's not fair. You know what I mean? It's like that. Yeah. I don't think I would be,

hmm, either this wallpaper goes or I do. It's that I'm not. The whole concept of final words is a bit. Well, yeah, nebulous. Yeah. Where do you?

It's like, you know, like, because someone might just go, fuck. Yeah. It hurts. And then a lot of people must just go, ah, oh God. Or something like,

but you know, like famously like, you know, it's not real. But like, uh, kiss me hardy. was like allegedly something, was it, Wellington said, am I wrong? Yes.

Anyway, whoever was. One of those old military guys. I don't know. Yeah, Nelson. On his death bear went, kiss me hardy, it's been misinterpreted or did he even say it. What did he say? French me, Hardy.

Yeah. Because he beat the French at Waterloo, didn't he? What I'm suggesting is. Did he say, stick the finger up, the asshole, Hardy, please. Hardy. Do it hardy, Hardy, hardy, ban my finger. I know. I don't know.

Let's say we have a one liner. What I'm saying is, if, like, your last words were like something that becomes, you know, legendary, and it's like, kiss me hardy, and then he dies. Maybe what really happened was he went, kiss me hardy, and I hate women, they're all slut. Right, we'll just not have, we'll not remember that bit. We'll not remember that bit. Yes, because the kiss me hardy. Can't correct you.

Yeah. So, yes, I'd say you're right. There must be a huge amount of fiction in the famous last words. Although, to be fair, not all of these are famous last words. It's just quotes in one-liners. Oh, God, they're so tame. Arthur Bauer to a thin friend.

Right. How much would you charge to haunt a house? That's so bad, isn't it? That's someone like, oh. Margaret Hulsey. Margaret Hulsey, yeah. The English never smash in a face.

They merely refrained from asking it to dinner. I don't even think, I can't even get the wit there. I don't even ask. Right, I want to find one of the weird stories then. Let's have a weird story. Right. Oh, yeah. Okay, here's one that I saw, and I was like,

I wonder what's happened. And it's happened since. Because these stories appear in newspapers and you go, oh, Flib, that's a strange story. Flib. Flib. Everyone says it.

Get with it, Dadio. Flibe, that's a weird story. And then you kind of forget about it. Then years later, you read books like this and you go, I don't know what the follow-up is. Like this one, it's such a weird story. This is from the, apparently the Lebanon Daily News.

Lebanon, again, a place I would say, in America. Yeah, it's not, yeah. Since January 11th, 1976, a mysterious tree trump. Tree stump. A mysterious tree stump. Are you okay? No.

A mysterious... Let's start again. Since January 11th, 1976, a mysterious tree stump has been touring Ridgeway, Illinois. The 500 pound stump

appears in unlikely places, including a van and various people's houses. It stays up for two days and then disappears in an equally inexplicable way. And I'm thinking, has it been moving ever since then?

Does it say what the paper was? Lebanon Daily News. Well, you could look that up, I guess, in the Lebanon Daily News. That's the follow-up. That's a terrible story. That seems like some hack at the Lebanon Daily News was like, oh, I'm drunk and divorced. I've got forwarded words to fill.

I've looked into my yard, which is unkempt, you know what I mean? And there's some stump out there. There's some tree stump out there and go, what have the tree stump appeared place? You know what I mean? It's so lazy. It's like, oh, it's like I love lamp. It's the best you've got, Brian.

You know what I mean? Oh, fuck it. Run it. It's fuck it. Everyone forget about it. A trunk. It's either that or an advert for fucking men's erection pills. Fucking, let me read one.

No, this is the one I wanted to read. Okay. It's from the Daily Express. I don't think there's a year on this. Jeffrey Wilson 18 made a gruesome discovery while inspecting the roof of his East London home yesterday. Checking for damage after heavy rain, he happened to glance. into the upstairs neighbour's window

and saw a fully dressed skeleton lying on the bed. The police were called and identified the corpse as William Blackhally, the husband of the upstairs tenant. Neighbours had noticed that he'd gone missing about 10 years ago, but had assumed he just left his wife. In fact, he had died of natural causes, and she just left him there as he was. Mrs Blackhally is currently receiving medical attention.

Now, the reason I find that hard to believe is, when someone passes away, Paul, you don't just turn to a skeleton. No. It rots. I don't know cartoons promote that idea. It's not true. I don't know. I don't actually know a lot about this, but surely...

Although, to be fair, it is East London. And that fucking stinks around there. The smell, that's what I mean. It's disgusting round there. I mean... That's where Cockney's come from. Gene Hackney... Oh, here's his anti-s southern bias again, everybody.

Eh! He's licking out the skeleton now. No, I'm not. What would you do in your tongue there? Showing revolt. Yeah, I mean, they're good action there. Thank you. They call me Tongaddy Gannon.

Who does? Mummy did. Right, how about that? Oh, dear. You want to read some bizarre crime? There's a few there on the start on that page. Okay, here are some bizarre crimes. Bizarre?

Not for the faint of hearted. Oof. Paid my money and only farted. I'm glad you find yourself very funny. I mean, who else is going to? You know what I mean? That is the debate we have. You want to say, I'm not funny.

Also, I'm not very good at the... this podcast. Is that what you're trying to say? That's my personal belief, but like, you know, opinions differ. They do. They certainly do. And a lot of people listen to this podcast who have no sense of taste, and they like you more. And that's fine. I've come to terms with that. I can't help it if wobble-brain people like to listen to you. It sounds like you've got a little bit of a trough of resentment there. The order I get, the horrible I come. More horrible. What, horrible you come? What is it green and spongy? Yeah, comes out like webbing. Oh, dear.

read your story. I'm going to read two of these, poor. Rosanna Vigil, age 60. This is from the New York Post. Okay. Rosanna Vigil, age 60, was attacked by a man in the street in Denver, Colorado. The assaultant prized her mouth open and removed her false teeth. Mrs. Vigil told the police, he said, there ain't no gold here, so here's your teeth, and he gave them back. This did not happen. It might have happened. I mean, this is the thing you would have had to stake her out and guess she had false teeth. And also... Or knew she had false teeth.

But he was looking for like gold crowns or whatever. Yeah, but also, usually when you have gold teeth, they're actually, they're implanted, aren't they? Yeah. Do you see what I mean? They're not, your false teeth aren't gold. Your false teeth are like Bakelite or whatever they used to make them from. I don't know, yeah. Or wood they used to make them from wood.

Or, yeah, or metal. Yeah. That doesn't make sense to me at all. This is a lazy, lazy book. Are you ready for another one? Yeah, I am. One night in 1990. Oh, 1990.

Oh, 191990. One night in 1990. One Night in Bangkok makes the whole world crumble. One night in heaven. One night in heaven. You know, weren't you thinking of One Night in Bangkok? No. Who did that?

That was Chess, the musical, written by Tim Rice. Andrew Lord Weber. No, Tim Rice and Half of Abba. Benny Bjorn and Bjorn Benis. And that was a single, wasn't it? I believe so, yes. One night in Bangkok, I remember it. Until obviously I listened back on this joint editing.

Check up the facts and then realize I'm wrong and I cut this out. One 1990. One night in 1990. One night in 1990, I wore a 90. One night in 1990. One night in heaven. One night in heaven. Come on.

One night in 1990. A woman. One night in 90's 90? One night in a 99 year old 90. Yes, I've done that already. Have you? Yeah. Well, I'm doing it now because it wasn't listening.

One night in 1990. One night in 1990. One night in 1990. 90. Okay. Why'd you like that? I don't know. One night in 1990.

I can say it. One night in 1990. Oh, okay. It's not funny now. A woman of good. It will come back round if I keep saying it. One night in 1990. Stop it.

Stop it. I told you. It got funny straight away. One 19, 1990. A woman of Van Noyce, California. You've heard of them? Yeah. Van Noyes.

One night in 1990. We're never going to get through this. They're going to get through this. They've got to get through this. Right. I'm not saying any of that again. Okay. You know where she's from and what night.

Yeah, we got it. One night in nine, vice, 99. In a 90. Oh, I've killed it. Good. Move on quick. I'm just going to not say it again, but say. Yeah.

An evening, several years ago, a lady. Yeah. From a place in California. Great. That's the good one. stepped out of her bed and into something large and apparently asleep on her rug. Oh, she had a dog? It turned out to be a burglar.

Right. Who, overcome by the 20 beers, which he had used. What? 20 beers? Yeah. Drinks. Beers. Beers. Right.

It turned out to be a burglar who, overcome by the 20 beers he'd had to use to fortify his courage, had passed out. It's funny because she could be wearing a nighty. I wish they'd put that in. Yeah, we could have done that, but, you know. Listen, I'll, I'm going to. Update it. Right.

One night in 1990, a woman of Van Nuys, California, stepped out of her bed wearing her nighty. And into something large and apparently asleep on her rug. I don't believe that story either. Why not? I think that definitely sounds more real. Definitely, burglars are often, like, degenerates, alcoholics. Desperate men. Desperate men.

Desperate men. So they might have an out-of-control addiction, and people who have that kind of addiction, especially to alcohol, could pass out. You can pass out. It's just, I get it. It's just the fact that it happened in her bedroom right next to her bed that I find the bit I either don't believe or actually makes it quite horrifying. You know? Because if I broke in and I was fucked off my head, I'd maybe find the couch or somewhere where that wasn't upstairs. Or after 20 beers, I don't know if I could stand up to rob anywhere.

Yeah. Again, one more, Paul. 20 beers. What do you get? Another week over and deeper in dead. Some people can. The larger you are, the better you can absorb alcohol. No, fair enough, yeah, but...

I can't drink beer at all these days because you know why? Why? I have to piss, like, every two minutes for the next three hours. Good. What's the point of that? What's the point?

That? One more of these, poor. One more, and then we'll put the book down. Go on, your last story. Arthur Gloria, a candidate for the Chicago police, was so determined not to let anything go wrong in his entrance.

Hey, oh! We'll know that, fucking put some savel on it. I'm starting again. Arthur Gloria. Arthur what? Half a 90. Off a 90. Oh, Van Nuys.

Boy. Have you been to Van Noyce? Yeah. Is it part of L.A.? Yeah. Arthur Gloria, a candidate for the Chicago police, was so determined not to let anything go wrong in his entrance test that he stole a car in order to be on time.

When he arrived, he parked the car illegally, as he was dragged away by those he so wished to emulate, Gloria commented that he thought he had done well on the test. So, wait, he wanted to be a car. He's an idiot. He wanted to be a cop and he had to pass a test. And because he was running late, he thought, oh, I'll just rob a car and then park it like shit.

And that'll be fine. That makes sense to me. People, often criminals are complete idiots and that's why they commit the crime. But also, I would say, that explains why the American country has a problem with its police force. Because if he didn't get caught and he got onto the fucking, onto the actual force, then, you know,

oh, I'm just putting it out there, he the beta man to death. It's a cliche, isn't it? The donut eating car. It's from America. It's an American cliche. But so many of those cliches about jobs come from America because they dominated the media in the world.

True. In the whole of the last century, basically, you know? When it comes to stereotypes, I would say an equally as strong one is the old British Bobby. You know, the illoo, illu, illu, now then, now then. Bob the heck, you know, what's all this then? Where would he live, though? I mean, I'm trying to think, I believe, sir,

that I live in a nine, nine, nine, let's be am yours, sir. Oh, we've got the dinner on then. You go, no. I do. My wife is at home ready with my favourite meals. What's that? It's Irish. I arrest you. And I arrest you in the name of the law. And what do you say to your belly button?

You're under a list. Yay! The triumvirate of Bobby jokes. Yeah, you can't do that with Americans, can you? No. 9-1-1. Let's be Avenue? Don't work as much. Nile's clever.

It would be something like... You're under a bulletproof vest. Yeah. What's your favorite meal? Racist burgers. I don't know. Okay. So what do you think of that book then?

It's all right. I love those kind of books. It's what's known as toilet. Yeah. Humor. Not toilet humour. No, not toilet reading, in it? Toilet humor reading.

Yeah. Sometimes they overlap though, and you do get toilet books that are also about toilet humor. I mean, think about it. It's when you go to like borders or a book shop. There's always that segment of those kind of books. In a charity shop, it's often called humour. And they often put, you know what they often put in the humor section as well? Sports and games.

Oh. I wonder why that all gets sort of grouped together. Anyway, I like that book. I like that book, but this is fodder. It's the book you read, you forget about, it ends up in a box forever, or you give it to a charity shop, and then it goes back into that ecosystem. Yes.

For comments like me to read out on a podcast, 4 out of 10. Yeah, not very high. Sorry, that wasn't very entertaining, that first bit of the podcast, everyone. We are going to move on to our next bunch of books. It's three and one, because I want to talk about a larger topic and not specifically the books themselves. It's actually right with you. Okay, cool.

Oh, God. I did that thing then with me before. I'm like my tits of my belly jiggled like fucking mad. I thought you were going to the gym, Paul. I haven't been in months. You haven't been. Just spending money or nothing. You should, yeah, you shouldn't do that.

God, that really jiggled. I know, where you should go to the gym and just do some core work. I did a fart the other day. It sounded like I was pulling a duck out of a swamp. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's one of those ones. Was it quacking as well as the surfing? It was like that, yeah, right dirty grunter. No, Paul?

Anyway, I've got bad belly. Do some core work? Just do half an hour core work once a week. I'm going to take advice. from this. Feel that? No. Feel it. I don't want to.

It's small. It's hard. Yes. My tall and belly are hard. It doesn't jiggle. I don't jiggle. You're beefy. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's muscle. Was I've got subtle folds. I didn't want to get into this, but listen, you brought it up, yes. Look at that. What's all this about? He's jiggling his belly. What's all this?

It's fat. I know. I'm aware it's fat, mate. Perhaps you should get on the old epi-jempick or whatever. Everyone's on it. Cocaine? That'll do the same job, won't it? Yeah, it doesn't.

suppress the appetite. Well, that's what we're doing from next week. It's Cocaine Show with Paul Gannon. And Eli's going to help him. Come on down. The price is right. I'm going to cut that early. Yeah, no shit.

So, I was in Morrison's the other day, and there's a table by the checkout where for Married Curie charity, they lay out a load of random books. Which is really cool. And they go, you can have one for 25p or 50p each, whatever. It's kind of like pay what you think, kind of thing.

Oh, right. You do make a donation when you take the books. So I did. I put a two-pound coin in and I took these three books. And I bought them because they were all basically about the same topic. And that topic is Red Dwarf. Red Dwarf. Citcom, Red Dwarf.

You know Red Dwarf, don't you? I do know Red Dwarf. For those who maybe don't, it is a sitcom, a sci-fi sitcom, a rarity in itself back in the day, about a mining ship called Red Dwarf, full of people, and then it's got a very long story short, The All Die bar one person called Lister, played by an actor, poet at the time. Craig Charles, and he's the last human alive.

You may know Craig Charles from Ghost Watch. Ghost Watch, yeah, or The Funky Bunker. No one knows him from the Funky Bunker anymore. He might know him from Robot Wars. Robot Wars. A Wooga. And he also did the voiceover hosted Takeshi's Castle. Yeah, he did.

I liked him on Takeshys Castle because he was almost... You know why he was good? Because he was like watching it... It was like someone was watching it along with you. rather than, you know, it was like he was with the audience somehow. Yeah. Discovering with the audience. How crazy it is.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I thought that worked. He's not untalented. No, he's not. I think he's limited to some extent. He's a limited talent. But I think even he knows that probably.

Aren't we all? Aren't we all? I would say a lot of us people listening could consider us very limited. Very limited. But, yeah, he plays Lister. The Last Human Alive, the ship's computer, who woke him up three million years later because the ship was contaminated with the nuclear, blah, blah, blah, whatever, decides to keep him sane. He'll do a hologram of his bunk mate called Rimmer, who's a prick, a fiscite.

Who were they in terms of the ship? What's the set up right at the beginning? They're on a mining ship heading back to Earth. It's a mining ship. After being on Jupiter or something. And so, like, for Lister, it's a way to get back home. But during the journey home, there's an accident, and it wipes out all the crew. So the ship's computer hauling decides to keep it from contaminated.

contaminating Earth and just sails that out to space. And so three million years later, when it's finally okay. It's three million years later? That they actually resurrects Lister, brings them out of stasis, and then says, you're the last human alive. Ah. So then he makes a hologram of his bunk mate, who he hated, called Rimmer. And then the final cast member of the original thing is the cat or cat,

who is a descendant of Lister's cat from three million years ago, who was holed up, and that cat spawned the whole... Why is there only one of them? Well, they explain that in the Sikh comment. Do they? Basically, the whole society left Red Dwarf to go search for a promise land. The Cat Society? Yeah, to look for a promise land. Why was he left there?

Because he was a pest. Because he was the idiot. Right, he is an idiot character, isn't he? In the sitcom it explains that he's not the only one left, because a few of them, there were other few, but they die. He was a famous, it was quite famous. Was it? Danny John Jules.

Yeah. He was more famous for song and dance. He was in a lot of musicals. In fact, if you're keen-eyed in 1986, you can see him in, Little Shop of Horrors playing one of the do-wop guys outside the shop and a flashback. Right. So he appeared every now and then in places. I think he did kid shows as well.

He was a very popular character in Red Dwarf. Yeah. I mean, there weren't that many characters. You had Holly. The Mad Computer. Lister. Yeah. Craig Charles.

Yeah. Then you had the hologram. Chris Barry. That's Rimmer. Yeah. And then the cat. Danny John Jules. And then that's it.

That's the call cast. Well, then later, Crichton came, played by Robert Luellen. So who's Crichton? Crichton's the mechanoid robot. Oh, that's a robot. And he came, not. Not in the first season. In the...

He first appears in the second series in one episode. Oh, really? But that was played by a different actor. And then when they kind of revamped the show for season three, they recast it, brought him as a full character. I met him. Robert Llewellyn. Yes, briefly when I was working on Polybius Heist.

Oh, yeah, because he's in that briefing as well, isn't he? Yeah. Oh, were you in a scene with him? No. No, you just stay on the day when he was there on the day. Oh, was he a lovely man? Yeah, he seemed lovely. That's one of the first things we can talk about, actually.

Because, yeah, Red Wolf. Very popular sitcom went from cult to reasonably mainstream success in the late 80s, early 90s. Can I ask you one more question? Yes. Because I was a big Red Dwarf nerd for the longest time. Well, you said it was unusual to have a sitcom that was sci-fi at the time. What is actually, what is the first one? Debatable, because there's loads of, like, for instance, some people could say Hitchhackers Guide to the Galaxy, right?

But not a sitcom. But not really a sitcom. Like a comedy series. It was turned into a TV series eventually. Yes, but that wasn't like a sitcom format, the TV. series. But then... That's my first time

I saw it. Yeah. I loved it. But the thing about Hitchhiker's guide is, it's strength is in how adaptable it's been over the different mediums,

theatre, book, cinema, blah, blah, blah. Yes, but the source material is not structured in any way like a sitcom. It's much more of an adventure. It is like an adventure. Well, it's the thing,

it is and it isn't. Because you could argue by that metric, Red Dwarf series seven isn't a sitcom. Right. Because that was filmed without an audience. It was filmed on location with cameras. It was all...

It was filmed like a... More adventurous. Yeah. Do you like it? I hate series seven. Oh, right, there you go. But then after season six, there is a sharp declining quality and stuff. Give me just one other.

Well, here's the thing. There was a sitcom in the 70s with Molly Sugden, who was famous for Are You Being Served? She was the, oh, my pussy, my pussy guys. Lady Bouquet away. No, that's a different thing. Yeah, sorry. And the sitcom. That's a different actor, though, yeah?

And the sitcom, yes, very different actress. It's all a blur. So this was a sitcom called Come Back Mrs. Noah. And basically it's about this. boring, you know, fuddy-duddy little old lady who ends up in a spaceship and goes to space. I've just thought of one as well. What?

Mork and Mindi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that counts, definitely. That's before it is. There's got sci-fi trappings in it. So it's not so, yeah. And... It wasn't written by the same people who wrote, Are You Being Served so weirdly.

Paul, I used to love Mork and Mindy. I was well into that. When I used to go to the States as a child, they'd show it there and it'd be like a special thing, you know? Nanu, Nanu, that's how old I am. Anyway, Red Dwarf is very much using as much of the law of sci-fi generally as it can. It's got time travel, spaceships, lasers, everything, yeah.

Time loops. Which is cool. Yeah. But I've always been a red dwarf fan. So I bought these books because it gave me a chance to talk about it a little bit. He's got three red dwarf books there, and they look to be in nice condition. They're in very good condition, actually. They haven't been red.

No, I mean, they've probably got red once. Well, I would say not even that, looking for how they're pristine there. I mean, these are all from the late 90s, these books. Oh, they have not been read. So the books I got were this one, Red Dwarf Program Guide by Chris Haworth and Steve Lyons, second revised edition, because this now goes up to the end of series 7, which I think Etch was broadcast in like 97, 98, something like that. How many series are we on now?

12. Wow. Or 12 and a bit. It's complicated. 12 and a bit. It's complicated because what happened was after series 8 ended on BBC, there was a very, very, very, very long gap and everyone thought the show was over. and then Dave or UK Gold, whatever it was at the time,

said, let's do a reunion episode. So they did one episode one off or two-parter. Maybe it's three-parter. But either way, it was just like a limited episode run called Back to Earth. Because basically it's Red Dwarf, ripping off its own plot from series five, and then basically becoming a spoof of Blade Runner for no fucking reason. And it was on Netflix. No, it was on UK Gold or Dave or one of those kind of channels.

But it was a success. And it did really well for Dave. So as a resort, they put money into proper seasons. So then they developed season. Like, people call that now season nine, but it was the spinoff. But then 10, 11, 12 were made by Dave. Right. And they reunited the main core cast.

And by and large, I would say 50% of those episodes are decently good Red Dwarf. The other half is fucking embarrassing. You're too old for this. Please stop making Red dwarf type stuff. Really? Yeah. Wasn't there a bloke who played the computer as well? Yeah, Norman Love it.

That was good. He was good. And then Hattie. Oh, fuck. Hattie Francis, Jacobs. Hattie Hadrid. Close. Hatie Hadridge. Was he the original?

No, he was the original in seasons one, two, and then she took over it for seasons three, four and five. Why didn't he return? He fell out loads of... Really? Yeah, it was all kind of wasn't compelled to, blah, blah, blah, whatever reason he did he do. Is he still knocking about?

Yeah, he's still knocking about. And then after season five, there was no holly in any regular capacity. It's in season eight for a bit, and then it disappeared. It's complicated because of budget and availability and stuff. Things happen, yeah, things change. And so, and then. And they kept wanting to make a movie of Red Dwarth.

Right, of course. And to this day, he still, like, Grant Naler was the name of the group of the two guys who wrote Red Dwar. It was Rob Grant and Doug Nailer. Right. But they split up after season six and Doug took over the show for the longest time. Ah. Was that acrimonious as well? Wow.

They're still not as close as they were back in the day. Must have had some creative differences. Basically, I think, is what it came down to. And so since then, the show's been more sci-fi-e than character-based. Right. I think Doug like more of the sci-fi ideas and Rob was more about the characters. I see, I mean, stuff.

You can't have one without the other. No, but Doug's tried since, what, I don't know, like 2000, really to keep Red Dwarf relevant. But it's really sci-fi-e, these latest stuff. Yeah, but like, there's some really good ideas in the later seasons on Dave and some really clever conceits. But it always is held back by its budget

and some of the humor is a little bit off and a little bit kind of, you know, like this was maybe a good gag in 80s, but now it's like a bit tired. Yeah. And then some of the endings of some of these episodes are so abrupt to the point of,

oh, oh, the episode's over. Right. So it's sloppy, but worth it if you're a Red Dwarf fan. I think there's enough good in 10, 11, 12. Right. And is there more to come? Complicated.

They were going, this is it gets depressing. They were going to make a new series because they made a special for 2020 when there was a lockdown. Yeah, I remember that. And it was called The Promise Land. It was a 90-minute movie.

And honestly, it is the movie? No, it was just a 90-minute special. Right. If there was ever going to be a Red Dwarf movie, closest, but it's, you wouldn't get it if you weren't a fan. But it was all right. It was actually half decent. And it was about the cat society. Ah, that's, yeah. And stuff like that. So there's some good ideas and it, some good character pieces. Not bad. But then Dave went, yeah, go on,

make a new series. And then Dave went, oh, we're not going to invest in scripted comedy anymore. Just panel shows and pranks. Yeah, but they'd already said, make the series. Yeah, well, they changed their mind. Wankers. So at the moment, I think he's pining for another channel or maybe a movie or a reboot. And like, it might happen. It might happen. It might. I don't know. I'm personally the opinion that they should just fucking stop making it now. Yeah. But dogs, I don't want it to end. Which is...

Everyone's still alive. Yeah. His prerogative. So anyway, this book, all right, I just got it because I'm way as well. Which one's that? This is the program guide. Oh, that's cool. If you were a nerd about it.

Yeah. What I remember from, you know, I probably watched the first two or three seasons. Yeah. Enjoying it, but it was the character stuff that made it. It is. And I think that's true of all sitcoms, really. It doesn't matter how clever your sci-fi ideas. Because originally, it was more like porridge in space.

That's right. Yeah. Because they were bunkmates. They had a ship. There was that sort of, what do you call that kind of humour? The humour of the bored of nothing to do. You know, that sort of... I mean, Beckett.

You mean Beckett, you mean Beckett. Yeah, sorry, Beckett. And that, you know, that's... I like that kind of vibe. I love that kind of vibe. And they had that vibe. You're right, I didn't... But that's character stuff, isn't it?

But then they added more for crying to do. And it's all... It gets more space opery, doesn't it? Because the idea was like, they meant to be in the middle of nowhere space, three million a miles from Earth. And there's... nothing out there, but then they realized, well, there's only so many stories you can tell

like that. Then they started bringing in, like, genetically engineered life forms and and droids and simulants and all these kind of things. But it's a thing. It's funny, because it is a pattern with sitcoms that run for more than three seasons. They start with a limited amount of characters, more simple. Yeah. Like, I'm thinking of only fools and horses.

Yeah, that's a good example. Because it's just granddad and Rodney and Delboy. And Delboy. And those are brilliant. And they're stuck in that. And it's Boisey and then it's more... Do you see it happens to all of these? Because they have to go somewhere.

They can't just keep making the same thing again and again and again, can they? I also like Only Thor's and horses. After a certain amount of time and success, it starts to lead into dramedy. Only Thor's got quite fucking bleak towards it. Yeah. Really? Well, season seven is it's, come on, please make a movie. We can make a movie.

Look at us trying to make a movie. We're like... And so had serious beats, basically. Well, yeah, they kill off Rimmer for good. And it's sad. And it's sad. It doesn't lose its comedy, but you can tell it's trying to... to punch above its weight, one of a better phrase.

Did Cheers ever do that? Yeah. Did, yes, it definitely did. A lot of sitcoms do it. And Happy Days did that as well, didn't it? I mean, Happy Days is where Morka Mindy came from. That's where Junk the Shark came from as well. Yes, it is.

You know, it's got its legacy. So anyway, that's that. So the other book I got was called Son of Soup. And basically, this is a script book, scripts from the TV show. Nice. This is the second one, because the first book is called Primordial Soup, and it had six scripts from the first sex seasons.

Right, and this is Son of Soup. Yeah. What's interesting about the first one was that, When Red Dwarf Six was being made, the first script book was due to be published. But due to various boring reasons, the series was pushed back. So people read the first episode of series six before they saw the episode broadcast. Because the book came out with this episode called Sirens in, the first episode of series. Like three or four months before they had.

Oh, it came out before they'd been aired? Yeah, because the schedule was moved around. And then what, did everyone go? I remember buying the book and going, oh, this is a, this is a new series. And then reading the episode. Did you think they did that on purpose? No. It was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, um, the BBC.

The BBC moved the series back. The book was already... Because it's not published by the BBC. It's published by Penguin, I noticed. And that other one, the programme guide, is Virgin, weirdly. But this... The first book was a huge success because scripts from, honestly, its best episodes, like Marooned.

The classic Two-Hander episode. Right. It's like Rimmer and Lister, Crash Land on a planet. They don't think they're going to get rescued, so... That's very waiting for Godo. Yeah. Very. And them just talking about their lives and who they are and wishes and regrets.

And it's like, great. This one, that one doesn't have as many episodes. This is the other book now. Yeah. So both of these are script books, are they? No, the last one I'll just go into very quickly at the end. Basically, this one's got Holoship backwards, Crichton, Me, Squared. And the script that made Red Dwarf had international success

was an episode called Gunman of the Apocalypse, which won an Emmy in America in 96. Anyway, it's a really good episode. You can see why it won an Emmy, because it's well done. But for Red Dwarf, it was the first time it went from cult to actual mainstream success. What I'm asking is, did they air Red Dwarf in America? Yeah, public cables network did.

But then this goes to my final point and the last book. So this book I've got here is Robert Llewelen's kind of autobiography called The Man in the Rubber Mask. Ah. It's a book about his life, how he got into Red Dwarf and his stories of Red Dwarf. But what was happening around at the time of season five, maybe six, I think it might be six. America wanted to remake

Red Dwarf as an American pilot. And I've seen it, because now you can see it's readily available on YouTube and stuff. But effectively, they do a half-decent job of trying to Americanize the idea of Red Dwarf. But because Red Dwarf's about losers, right? Americans can't have that.

So their list is a bit more confident, a bit more blokey, more handsome, dashing. But doesn't he, doesn't it? His accent is like a weird mad Max, mad Max, not Mad Max, Max Headroom almost, sort of over the top game show American sort of, isn't it? You know, game show hosts American style.

The Crichton voice, he says, is a really bad Canadian impression. Right. And you can hear it with the vowels and how he does, oh, and everything of that. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah. The reason why I bring the book up now is because when they made the American pilot for Red Dwarf,

the only British cast member from the original series to do the pilot was Robert Llewellyn. Yes, but it's funny because he wasn't even an original, as you told me, wasn't even an original character. No, but he became a breakout character. Yes, totally, yeah. It's like, so what I wanted to do is just read a little

segments out from his book, which talks about this, because apparently, the other cast members, they were going to offer it to Chris Barry Rimmer, but he was like, I'm not doing this, but they also didn't mind him doing it. So it was like, go on, do it. So, I'll just read, uh, I think he's in America at the moment when this story starts,

but he's talking about it anyway and about being offered the role. So the phone begins to ring again. It was Linwood Boomer. Hi, Robert. This is Linwood speaking. Listen, Rob and Doug tell me you're still not sure about doing the pilot.

I'd like to hear why you're having a problem, Robert. Maybe we can work something out. Yes, that'd be good, I said. I explained. It's kind of a heavy commitment. I was referring to a section of the contract, which I was sent, which dealt with how long I would be under the contract

for Universal Television. Basically, it was six years. They wanted me to sign something that would mean I would have to live and work in L.A. for six years. Six years sounds like a long time for me, I said. You know, in England, we signed a contract for maybe six weeks because we think we're going to miss a better gig. Sure, sure, I understand, says Lymwood. But you know, this part is a deal breaker. That was the term deal breaker.

It meant that you could negotiate everything else. You could get a bigger limo. You get a different makeup artist. You can get more money. That was easy. But sign for shorter than six years, no way. Wow. When people buy you in Hollywood, they buy you.

rabbit, said Linwood, jokingly. I thought that's the sort of humor that scares the shit out of me. Yeah. I'll think about it and get back to you, I said. And Lilwood impressed on me the fact that getting back to him very soon would be very beneficial for this project. So what they're saying, sorry, what they're saying is, in order to shoot the pilot,

he still needs to commit for six years. He has to sit, just to do the pilot. Yeah. But they don't even know if he's going to get it picked up. Yeah, but then at that point, then the content doesn't matter, though. Right. But if they're going to do it and success, then you are, then you got his signature, yeah. Yeah. I've been worrying about the six year part of this. deal ever since my agent first informed me a few weeks earlier.

I spent a couple of hours on the phone to Nigel Plainer, who I'd been working with earlier in the year. He was the only person I knew who'd been through the exact same thing. Because in the 80s, the young ones was taken over the Atlantic, and Nigel was the only member of the British cast to go with it. What? Yeah. There's a young one's pilot.

You can see it online now. What's that like? It's interesting, but it's kind of like they still don't quite get it. Well, it hasn't got Rick Mail in it? No, no, no, no. know. So he had experienced a fairly hideous time making the pilot and was worried sick they'd have to do it for six more years with a group of people he hated. And they'd turned the young ones into a sort of grubby Benny Hill show. He was hugely relieved when the pilot was a flop and he was released from his contract. So that was... That was six years as well. They got Plainer for. Yeah. Well, no, they wanted him for. The Young Ones had been a success. It wasn't called The Young Ones, the pilot. It's got a different title. No, because that's a reference, as we said, we're saying earlier today, to the Cliff Richardson. Yeah. But anyway, so the book later goes into his time.

I'm filming it, which he says was largely an okay time. Everything's bigger, right? And everything's more stressful. But I just think Red Dwarf, in many respects, held itself up, reaching for America and reaching for a movie. And it's a shame that they never had the window in the 90s. They should have had to make that movie. Because now I just think they need to end it.

Could have been a classic, the movie. Well, not even that. They could still make a movie on Red Dwarf, but they'd have to go back onto the books version. Because the books are very, very good. The first two books of Red Dwarf are very good. You mean novelizations? Kind of.

but they took the first two or three seasons and then remixed them into two books and the books are much more sci-fi heavy they're just great reads. I bet the first editions of those are quite collectible. Very good. Anyway, I'm happy with these purchases. That's nice, nice little trunch of red dwarf books there. Yeah.

I've got a couple of comments. Go on. One. I don't know why I keep listing these. Smeg. Yes. They popularise Smeg. As a swear word, yeah.

Smeg referring to the build-up of... Creamy under a man's helmet. Yeah. But here's the thing. It wasn't like they'd come up with the word smeg because of that reference. It was because they wanted to use, like, bad language. Yeah, but smeg must have existed before they coined it. Oh, yeah, it did.

But what I'm saying is, it wasn't as if that was the reference they were making. It was just here's a swirwood that we can own. So, would you say, smeg is to Red Dwarf as Spunk is to Cheap Show. I mean, I would not know about Spunk, but, you know. We say it Borough, Chodney Borough? I mean, Gubbage. Gubbage is a cheapy, cheap show work. Gubbidge is got more of a claim there, I think.

What's that one? Cockabonkers. Cocker bonkers. I turn that. I'm happy with that. Oh, you're such a genius. Anyway, long story short. I like Red Dwarf, but not as much these days.

The other comment I wanted to make about Red Dwarf, Paul, too. Two. I think they were mistaken in thinking they could make it into an American show because so much of the sort of satirical aspect of Red Dwarf was about a British take on an American genre, the American sci-fi. Do you see what I'm getting it? Yeah. So it's hard to then put it into American, you know,

know what I mean? Put it into America. Well, when you've got to show... When you've got to show that is effectively, like, not directly, but like taking the piss out of Star Wars and Star Trek. That's what I mean. By, like, deconstructing... Exactly.

The flashiness of that. Yes. And saying, well, yeah, the British version's actually quite depressing. It's all right, yeah, cold cups of tea and, like, yeah, that kind of bar. It's like, it's like... It's like, you've instantly gotten the character wrong. Yeah. Lister is a fucking slop loser, you know?

Who sits in his undies. And he eats curry in bed. And stinks. Yeah. And it's like, it's hard to... to pull that character off when he looks like he came from, you know, new kids on the block. Yeah. And that's not a problem with the actor in his work.

It's like you can see they don't want to cast blister. They want the branding of Reddwarf. Yeah. And the hard work done narratively. Not the heart and soul, though. Yeah. But if you ever get the chance to watch it online, it's definitely a curio. Going back to that Nigel Plainer thing, I don't know if that is online yet because he only

showed it to his patrons. So it might be if you're a patron. That's obviously to me. Yeah. Because I was a huge. But if I do know a link, I will post on our website. But that's the cheesalalry on UK. Anyway, that's Red Dwarf, that's a discussion,

and that's part of our book section. Now we go on to our last one, which I think should be taken down by the Trade's Descriptions Act. And now for the final book in Paul's reading Nook. It's Paul's Nook, Book, Tuck, Fuck. Paul, it's a bit warm in this,

Nuck. Can you turn that fire down? Can you turn the log fire down in here? I'll have to piss on it. Because I don't have a... Every night you have to piss in the fire to turn it off. Why? You can't talk anymore? Do you want me to piss in the fire?

the fire for you right now. Turn it off. Turn it off. Fuck off. You want you to piss in the shower? Fuck off. You would just piss in your face? While we were on break, everybody,

Paul was denigrating my knob. It wasn't denigrating your knob. Yes, you were. What did I say about your knob? Said it was small. No, that's it. I said I was small. Well, I said you were small,

but I didn't say your penis was small, did I? Anyway, whatever. Come on, read it. And we were talking about Eli, the fact that Eli is considering breaking his legs to get taller. No, that's what you were saying. You said, look at all those.

advert for those breaking your legs to make you taller. Yeah, not now. You looked on one website because you were curious and now your advert are full of it. Break your legs today, come on, little one. I've never been less curious in a treatment. I might get my teeth whitened. Or your knob enlarged. Would you be curious?

I would never get my knob enlarged. I'd sooner have my legs lengthened than my knob enlarged. Now, Paul, can you tell everyone I bought you this next thing as a gift? Yes. Because I'm nice and I get you gifts sometimes. Not necessarily gifts I want or need, but you do buy me things

effectively every now and then, yes, true. This is a book that we were both excited about when you showed it to me, and quite rightly, I was excited to read it. But then page by page is I... You read the whole thing. Not like... You skimmed it. I read it enough to know exactly what happens and stuff like that.

Yeah, I mean, it's for children. Let's get into it, and I'll read... And then we'll explain why I think this is a massive fucking rip-off, and I'd be furious. So this is called Roger Moore and the Crime Fighters, 1001 Shoplifters. Hardback. And we did some research online. So there's a series of books called Roger Moore and the Crime Fighters by, this one's by Robin Smith.

The one called The Siege is by Malcolm Hulk. Robin Smith did this one, A thousand and one shoplifters, and then Crooks Ahoy. And then there were three more books at the time on the way, but they've since been released called Death in Denims, The Secret Man, and the Anchor Trick. Great stuff, Paul.

That's what podcasting is. Shut up. So, you got this book because you were like, oh, it's Roger Moore and some kids solving crime, right? Yeah, I'm. It really jumped out at me. And we were both excited. And then I did a bit of research.

And then I started reading things like Roger Moore's not in these books. And these books are basically like tough crime novels for kids. It's young adults that thing, isn't it? It's what that would become the young adult market. And also, crime fighting kids is a trope in British children's literature. Starting with Enid Blytheon. Famous Five. All of that.

In America, you might have the Hardy Boys or Nancy Drew. That's right. Isn't that funny how that genre is all. almost completely, it's just not seen as something that's appropriate anymore. It still goes on. They still make new Nancy Drew games and books and things like that. Yeah, because it's a brand, really. The author has long since become a small part of its history.

Crime fighting kids. But think about it. It's a weird trope. They're all gateway drama books for kids. So like goosebumps in America is a great example of like horror for kids. And this is gateway hard-boiled crime. It is because honestly, Roger Moore and the Crime Fighters, 1001 shoplifters, it literally reads like the Sweeney.

but with kids. And the cover, we'll obviously show you the cover art, everybody, but it looks like the Sweeney. There's a car, and you're looking at it from the back, and both doors are open, it's a hatchback, both doors, and it's like one of those muscle cars, 70s, and there are what can only be described as hoodlums, thugs, heavies, coming out.

With shooters. They've got coshes. Yeah. And one's got a spanner. They're like heavy guys. Yeah, because basically what it's about is a number of, like, massive diamonds. diamond heist going on around East London and these kids accidentally see

Around East London as well funny These kids accidentally see And then see a murder of as well at the same time And then it turns out the head of this This like kind of mafia where it's an Australian Hedgeman and he's got his goons And they send them after the kids So organised crime as well

Yeah It's like Lockstone and two lessons of PE Followed by lunch It's weird how it reads like The Sweeney I'm not even like exaggerating I mean obviously it's toned down for kids There's no bad language in it, but like this genuine threat of death. It's funny, isn't it?

But then, you know, I'm reading it, go, all right, diamond heists and robberies and, you know, betrayals on double crosses and gangsters stabbing each other in the back. These kids trying to figure out with a copper. And Roger Moore. Not yet. At this point, it's a, what is it? It's a book that runs for... Not very long. Big print.

...twenty two pages. Big print. And the first mention of Roger Moore, I mean the word mention, not appearance of... But mention of Roger Moore. It's on page 62. At this point, Roger Moore's not been mentioned at all in the book. Before you go on, Paul, the other thing that really cracks me up is on the opening page. It says all characters in this book are fictitious.

Except for Roger Moore. And his face is on the cover, right? That is just so bizarre. You wouldn't have that these days. So, yeah, so it takes page 63, where the first mention of Roger Moore comes in. Because there are these two kids, right, Bill is one of them or something. I can't remember now. Yeah.

Yeah, Bill's one of the kids with his friend who's, they help do it. And they do that they solve crimes. And they're part of the crime fighters. Crime size, Mrs. Compton. It seems so dangerous. Children involved in crime detection. I wish you'd collect stamps or butterflies or something like that. Stamps, butterflies, Bill's voice stripped with scorn. Crime fighters want action. You haven't been phoning Roger Moore again, have you? Mrs. Cronden sounded worried. Of course I have mum, says Bill. Phone Roger yesterday to tell him about those shoplifters we caught. Why does he have Roger's number?

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, I wish you wouldn't keep bothering this Mr. Moore. He must be a very busy man, answered his mother. Oh, he doesn't mind at all, Mum. Oh, Rogers are smashing bloke. After all, he is the president of the crime fighters club. Mr. Compton finished his coffin, stood up. The half-smoked cigar jutted from his mouth.

He pulled on the jacket, adjusted his tie, and kissed his wife on the cheek. Don't worry, Joan. I was with the children when they first met Roger Moore at the BBC TV centre. I'm sure he's only too pleased to help. And that's it. That's the first mention of Roger Moore. Like, they talk about like he's a Canadian girlfriend. Yeah, like, oh, we called him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, Roger Moore. You're the star of Bond and, you know, you know, you know all that, do you? Yeah, you know. He must have got paid. No, we looked into this, didn't it? He got paid, but he gave it all to charity. Yes, he did.

Top bloke. He got, yeah, he went, I'll be in this. Give all the money of Jerry. That's 75P. He was nice. He was nice, wasn't it? Apparently so. Yeah.

So then the book continues. and the crime is solved and the gangsters get shot and double-cross each other and then arrested. Right, he doesn't call Roger Moore then. No, no, the book ends, the story ends, then. The last two and a half pages, no, two pages if I've been generous, suddenly Roger Moore fucking turns up right at the very end. And so Eli and I will now perform for you

the very last part of this book where Roger Moore actually fucking turns up. Roger Moore filled up the glasses of the crime fighters with coke. He'd just returned from filming abroad and looked lean, fit and tanned. I reckon the mafia had better watch out. He smiled as he handed out the drinks. It seems the crime fighters are a force to be reckoned with. He straddled at Chippendell chair and frowned. Though I still don't quite understand Blue's reason for dressing up as an old, useless woman. Well, it was hard to work out at first, said Bill.

But it all worked out when we thought about it, chipped in Bonnie. Then when O'Malley arrested him at the yard, after the hut fell on him, Blue confessed everything. Bill carried on at this point. See, Roger, he wanted to kill Freddy and knows, because the aide managed to get into his organisation by bribing Orchard. He didn't really want Orchard to know at this stage that he, Blue, was aware of Orchard's double-cross.

So he decided to get rid of Freddy and Knows in a way which would not tie up with him. Bill paused for breath. Being an actor by profession, Blue or Ronnie Bonds, his real name, thought up a dramatic way of getting rid of the two crooks without throwing suspicion on himself. Bill hunched forward on his chair. Disguised as the wine-drinking princess, Blue made sure that Frédian nose saw him through the jeweller's window

as they nick the gear. They chased him and he lured them to the woodyard where he was going to shoot them, then he was going to get away from the yard, take off his old woman disguise and disappear. Roger smiled. And the crime fighters thwarted his plans, eh? Yes, and he had to carry on with his role of princess to keep everything authentic

and to stop us getting suspicious of his true intention. But why did he come back for the gun he left in your hideaway? Asked Roger Moore. Because his fingerprints were all over it, said Bonnie. And would have led the police to him after they checked against the fingerprint of Ronnie Bond held in the files of the Australian police. Roger sipped his drink. And I suppose he left the gun in your hideaway in the first place,

intending to get it back after all the hobbub died down for him. That's exactly what he did, said Bill. And the crime fighters were waiting for him. Bravo crime fighters, said Roger, raising his glass. The two children raised their glasses of Coke. They had been through a time of danger and excitement, violent criminal to been caught and a vicious gang of thieves smashed because of their efforts. They had good reason to be proud of themselves.

But they were more proud of the man who had helped them to form the crime fighters club. Bravo, Roger Moore, said Bill and Bonnie. And here's to the next adventure. And you can join the crime fighters, everyone. You can. At the end of the novel, it says, see page 127. And then on the next page, join the crime fighters. See page 127.

And then on the next page, join the crime fighters. You too can be a crime fighter. Get a badge. Nice. Wouldn't you love one of those? Yeah, it's going to be a shit button badge, but I'd have one. I mean, they must be in existence. Maybe.

That would be a class. It would go with this, didn't it? Maybe, yeah. A badge, a free newspaper. I wonder what that would be. Just a newspaper? Fuck knows. Probably like...

Probably be a crime fighter's newspaper. Yeah, of updates and stories and what they've been up to. So cool. So cool. I wonder if that even existed. Fuck knows. I mean, they did all seven books or whatever, didn't you? Yeah, yeah.

And a chance. Paul, this is the big thing. Here we go. A chance to meet Roger Moore. Oh. If you've borrowed this book from a library, copy the coupon onto a piece of paper. What I like is that...

It's got a coupon, it's got a little thing you can send off, put your name and... What I like is the bit where you tear off and you put your name and everything. It says here, please enroll me as a member of the Crime Flyers Club and send me a parcel of goodies. I've got my parents' permission.

It's like... It's all right. What a great thing. But honestly, if I was a huge Roger Moore fan, I love the persuaders. I love the saint. Oh, he's the new Bond and everything. Oh, he's been doing Bond for a few years, I guess at this point.

Yeah, I'd be like, oh, Roger Moore's going to help some kids. And it's like, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. The end. Yeah. But it's like Roger Moore is the Miss Marple or the... Thanks, Roger Moore, for setting up the crime fighters, without you. Yeah, he just sets it out. But he kind of solves it.

Or he kind of, he works it out, doesn't he at the end then? But it's not like... That's well, I suppose. Blah, blah, blah, blah. No, he doesn't know. He's like, I didn't understand any of this. Why do you explain it again? Why am I non-fictional?

And why would me, an actor, an actor, nothing to do with law enforcement or anything like that? Hang out with two kids. It's just so stupid. Servin the drinks. I love this. I love the painted cover. But do you know, like Hannah Bob Burr would do, Mr. T solves crying out like his little kids and they'd go on adventures, but Mr. T was there from beginning to end.

He just pops in. I'm too busy smoking ganger on the set of live and let die for this. That was two years before, three years. Great thing. Great thing. Yeah, I loved it. Just by reading the end of it. You see how convoluted the crime wasn't?

It's so terrible, yeah, terrible. Double crosses and cross-dressing and betrayals. It is very like anina Blyton, like the end of one of those. Yeah. They just wrap it all up, you know. And we all went over lashings of fizzy pop. Probably less racist, in fact. I'll be honest, even my cursory skim didn't bring up too many outdated derogatory slurs.

To me, is redolent of this thing that was going on in the 70s and to a lesser degree in the 80s where there was this kind of darkness in culture and it was in the children's culture as well wasn't it? It was in those scaties like nosy bonk, that kind of thing, that hauntological that darkness, that people that is completely absent

from media these days. The reason why though is because it's part of that post-war depression era of Britain where it is still trading on old British values in a world that is drastically quickening and changing around it. So Britain's whole kind of like era of that time is very kind of like we're just going to

treat kids as adults. We're just going to make them grow up quick. Whereas now, to the way around, it's like, we want to get as much out of these kids by giving them as much a rest of development as possible. So they don't have to grow up. And that's why most pop culture now is about referencing older pop culture. There was nothing to reference there before.

It was all fucking... Yes, youth culture was still relatively new, I guess. If anything, it came more out of folk history in the UK, folk tales. I just find it funny how crime, how those genres are now totally separate. Children's fiction is much more things, like goosebumps or even fantasy.

That's the big genre. Fantasy or sci-fi, the big genres for kids, young adults. But they used to think crime was like, but that kind of crime, that gritty sort of, you know, but even what you think is in overcoats with like sorenoffs, that kind of crime, you know?

This doesn't happen though anymore. Like, I can't think of a single film or TV show. Maybe, I mean, I don't watch a lot of it these days anyway, so whatever. But like, as a genre, I can't think of a film, recently at least, that involves kids on an adventure, just involves crime. Like no booby-trapped dungeons. It's like...

It's like... But if you removed the Indiana Jonesy part, you'd get this book, right? But ultimately, no, it's still, you know... They are kind of crimson, aren't they? The bad ones, isn't that? I can't think of like kids versus... Unless, apart from like the old 70s,

famous five TV shows or, you know, children's film workshop. Those ones. Do they have crime fighters, what episodes of that? Well, they would have had stories much more like this. Children's Film Foundation. Yeah. They would have had more films like this. Yeah, yeah.

So all I'm saying is, it's like I can't... think of a film recently or a book or a TV series about kids fighting hudlins this is a hardback like i say from 1977 yeah uh two pounds 95 to me that feels like it was probably quite expensive for the time i'm sure that was affordable it would have had to a bit affordable to make them appealing to kids yeah because honestly after the first one finding out roger moore's not in here i don't know if i'd buy the others i would seriously go to the bookshelf at double h smiths and scan the fuck out of that book to see where roger's name comes up before i bought another one well Maybe you're in it just for the crime fighting

or not for Roger. Yeah, but honestly, if Roger's my gateway, at least have him in the book at the start maybe, saying, hello kids, I've got a crime fighting group. Would you like to join it? Oh, nothing ever happened to us. But is he associated with crime fighting? Because James Bond is not a crime fighter.

No, but the persuaders and the saint were more... Those were more... Well, they were more, you know, rogue agents breaks a criminal empire down or a gang or whatever. You could see that being the appeal more than Bond. But Bond was honestly, the reason why he's on that book, I'd imagine. I'm surprised the last line in that book isn't Roger Moore saying,

has the check cleared? You know, because that's how it feels like. Here I am. But anyway, as a relic of the past, it's a charming book, I'll say that. And that now is all the time we have in Paul's book nook. I'm boiling, so let me out of the nook, please. Well, there's a way I could do it. You can walk out the slow way,

or I can press the pneumatic hatch, which shoves us up the... Oh, that's very doctor, but Dr. Dr. No. So do you want to go, do you want to walk up the corridor? I want to go up this loose. Or do you want to go up my big pipe? I want to go up the big pipe, please.

All right, here we go. Hold on tight, here we go. Whoa. What's wrong? Nothing. Why are you smelling your fingers? Why are you smelling your fingers? Don't turn everything, my private hygiene moments into content, please.

Yeah, but your private hygiene moments are happening within like three feet of me. So they are my hygiene moments as well. My private hygiene moments. And when I see you grimacing as you sniff your fingers, I think I'm a right to ask what's going on. Baby, I grimace every time I sniff my fingers. Is it because you got chicken bake all over it? Oh, yeah, we had a chicken bake.

Yeah, well, I had a steak bake. And I really noticed the difference in quality. Oh, we could do that as an off-brand, brand off. We could actually. Oh. Steak bakes. Steak bakes. Gensles.

Gregs. There must be others, right? We'll have to think. Maybe we'll find some kind of shop on a high street, you know, beju, small one-off store. That shop that's inside Harrow bus station does them. Does they? Those are off brand.

We could get out. Those are off brand. All right. Well, maybe that's what we... Maybe we do it next week. Maybe we do it. You know how I'll tell the difference? Because they're Asian run and their state-based taste of curry.

I'm not even joking. They're spicy. They're nice. Well, all right. But it's funny how everything is more spicy, you know. Maybe we'll do that next week. Maybe, maybe soon, but we'll think about it. All right.

But for now, it's time to put the baby of Cheap Show back in its God. Shh. Shh. It's sleepy, baby. It squirted poo down your leg. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

What does it fucking eat? Crisps. Oh, open a window. Not going to... Now do the fucking sign off, me. Right, hello, everyone. Cheap Show has a website, and it's your one-stop shop. Go there, and from there, you'll find this everywhere else on the internet.

It is thecheepshow.co.com. We have pages, which are dedicated to each and every episode of Cheap Show. Some accompanied with pictures and videos. Lots of having pictures, videos, mate. So you can see the stuff we're talking about. We're also on Instagram where those same images appear there. Cheap show on Instagram. Yeah.

And we're on threads and we're on blue sky, but we're on X. Every two weeks on Soho Radio, the House of Pickle Sound Show, which is my music show. Very good. And what else? Yeah, we have a fortnightly YouTube series called Cheapshots. The new one will be out by the time this episode comes out where we put. play a crap game. And I have to say to everyone,

Paul wasn't very positive about this video. Which is why he's left it to last in the schedule, hasn't it? Well, you know. Is it shit? How is it long? It's not long or shit. It's just, you know, we could have done better.

You, well, you could have done better. He's always the same. I'm great. I'm not going to look at me and think I'm not great though. And you don't think you're great either. No, I don't. I have struggles. Right.

So, the last thing I want to say. Hello, everyone. I rely some of it. The last thing I want. want to say is the reason Cheap Show has been going for close to 500 episodes and 10 years is because we have fantastic Patreon supporters whose involvement on Patreon helps keep us going and so we have to thank them. So if you support us on Patreon, thank you very, very kindly. Your kindness, let's us do this. But Paul, yeah. If they do decide to support us from Patreon, what kind of extras or things can

they expect to see? It depends on the tier you join us up. But if you go to patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show and join a member, give what you can but please only if you can. Only if you can. Then you'll get the crap book podcast which is just our monthly chitter chatter pod. We have an irregular but becoming more regular night busing podcast

series. That's our spin-off podcast where we go on a night bus in London. Oh, further afield, we haven't done that yet, but we're talking about it. We've got a list of them. Nightbuses outside London. Ding, ding. We also have irregular magazines but there's a database of all the old ones if you want to see up the Cheap Show magazine by them or like.

Long story short, they're very, very good. Excellent magazines. Much better than we deserve. And look, there's tons of stuff. Behind the scenes, top tier video only episodes, early access to CheapShot, early access to live show tickets as and when, and all sorts of garbage and opportunities. There's garbage and gavage.com forward slash cheap show.

Thank you very kindly if you decide to support this pod. I've got a crinkly asshole and it sloops, slops up my leg. all the sloopy boops on the arseole. Pickle, pickle, a little leg. That's what Eli is using to sign off. That's his contribution. We'll see you next week then. Bye bye-bye, everyone.

Bye-bye. Bye, everyone.