CheapShow - Ep 478: Journey To Screaming Wood (Mono)

Episode Date: March 13, 2026

Mono Version It’s finally time for CheapShow to escape the confines of their usual recording space and venture out into the big wide world once again. For their first major “walkabout” adventure of 2026, Paul wants to visit the UK’s “most haunted” wood, which is situated near the equally as haunted Pluckley village in Kent… But Eli and Paul aren’t going there, they are heading to “Dering Wood” to look for something, ANYTHING spooky. It’s also been called the “Screaming Wood” but will the only screams Paul hears be the angry, frustrated and howls of his pissed off co-host? Eli is not happy getting lost in a part of the UK he doesn’t know AND he is very not happy to do it on winding country lanes. Will the Cheap Chaps ever get to their destination? Will Eli be able to guess the price of the shite Paul has also brought along? This is Part One of one of CheapShow’s most calamitous of rambles! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-478-journey-to-screaming-wood www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Achoo. Archu? Achu. I sneeze, acho. No. What the fuck? Was that? I'm not going with that intro.

Hello, everyone. Hello. You've caught us? I'm going to start again. I'm not happy with that either. Not happy with that either. Fine. Just do it.

Just be straight. Don't think of a joke. You can't start with a joke. I'll start with a fucking joke, mate. Here we go. Hello. It's such a dick. Why don't it?

Hello, it's a cheap show. It's another week. week we are out and are about and wow have we got an potentially epic hopefully two-part episode to cover Eli going away to America for a fortnight episode of Cheap Show this week and with me as always is my good children friend and co-host of this podcast Mr Eli Silverman hi everybody Eli Silverman here I'm pumped I'm amped I'm ready to get spunk off in my trousers that's metaphorically and that's um that's how I'm feeling in my mind my mind dick is rockard and it's gone gloopy. My mind is all flaccid and wimpy. Yes. And sad and drippy. It is. Well, here we are

in Embankment Gardens and we're about to embark from Embankment Gardens to the town of Pluckley. No, but the station isn't Pluckley, is it? Yes. Oh, it is. I thought you about to go to Ashton. No, Pluckley. Okay, we're going to Pluckley. And why are we going there, Paul? Because I, we last year, our last walkabout was a spooky walk through the woods, right, in North London. And I thought, oh, well, because this is the last. last chance to do another wintry walk because the clocks go back in a couple of weeks, don't they? And it's beginning of spring. To be fair, it's

feeling very spring-like here in the Bankment Gardens. The temperature's gone up. We're both overdressed slightly. A little bit. But you know what? This is quite far out of London. We're into Kent and it will be at least a degree and a half Celsius. We don't so. And Paul's

now familiar with the Celsius everybody because it's appeared on his phone. It took me four years. Anyway, we're here because we're right outside Charing Cross Station and we're going to walk on right now, aren't we, to a board? Because the reason why we've picked Pluckley, we've plucked Pluckley out of a hat. But why, Eli, why do you think? Is it something to do with the supernatural, Paul?

Absolutely, because I went to a spooky wood last year. The screaming woods or whatever, no, screaming mad old woman woods or something it was called? Yes, we both went there. Fat cow woods or something? No, we found that on our walk, didn't we? We discovered that. Where was that? That was...

That was up by Ryslip. That's right. Ryslip Lido, and there's like, if you walk up for the woods, you remember, the screaming lady woods. And I thought, you know what? Mad Mary. Mad, I don't know. Mad Cowwoods. Oh, Mad Mary.

Daft, cunt Mary. No, she wasn't, she wasn't daft? She was mad. Either way. She was a boss lady. Wasn't she? She owned shit, and she used to scare poachers. Well, it's all a bit, well, it's all in.

bit of the ability to actually even fucking existed. But anyway, with all that being said, Pluckley is renowned for being the most haunted village in the UK. Wow. And we'll be going past that and heading towards Daring Woods, which is also colloquially named Screaming Woods. Ah. So today we'll be doing a bit of a picnic, a bit of a snacky woo,

a bit of a price of shite as we roam around. Pluckley. Oh, I've picked the stairs way. This is the quick way, though. Is it? Yeah. I always find Charing Cross quite confusing in terms of how you access it, you know? It has many entrances and exits, like my sex doll. It's sort of nested, sort of tucked in on a bridge, hard to conceptualise spatially.

Yeah. But we have. We have. We very much spatially conceptualised, and here we are. Here we are. We're going in now. Oh, it's exciting now. We need to find the right gate. There are no toilets. Platforms on train stations, Paul.

and trains. Yes, that's right. Okay, good boy. Yeah, where are we? Oh, it hasn't come on the gate yet. So anyway, we're at the station waiting for the platform. Is that what it's? That's right.

Hey look, they've got the new British Rail clock. Oh, it's a good clock. Do you like it? I like it. The little arrows. Go around and then when it gets to 12, 12 basically they meet and it looks like the logo it looks like the logo maybe we should take a picture of it so when people go to our website the Cheapes dot Coe UK they can look at the images of this or our Instagram right which guy which guy oh yeah no he does oh my god I mean that is a look I mean to each of their own right he really looks like Hitler everyone I'm not just saying it hipster Hitler he looks like a hipster Hitler he looks like a hipster Hitler what's happened to this

this world. I think you could rock that. I wouldn't rock that. Rock that look. Go on. What now? Chaplain tash. Wow. Wow. Wow. I think you might just be a hipster because they often leave taste behind for the sake of looking weird and fashionable. Right. This is our intro to this week's episode. We've got 10 minutes till our train. Yeah. And it hasn't appeared on the board yet. It hasn't. What's the destination? Oh no, hang on. There is. There we go. Wait, 36 Dartford. Is that the one? Yeah, because it goes to. wait, do we have to change? Right, we're going to have to start the episode with the credits.

I have, because it said Charing Cross from this thing, going here, 1236. I'm now going to have a little look. So anyway, while we figure out what could potentially be our first fuck-up of the day, why don't you listen to the theme tune to this podcast, for it appears in the podcast at the right junction, and it is the junction now. Here we go. How did Chari-cross to Pluckley? To part 1234.

So, yeah, it's the Ramsgate one. Right? Oh, I? Oh, I wasn't looking at the green. Platform 6. I wasn't even looking at the green. I sorted it out. He knows where a train leaves from, not a gate.

On a weirdo. On a platform, you say. Right, we're off. We'll see you a bit. Yes, the time is like tiki talk. All right. This is the floor. That is your mouth.

Here is my dog. Mouth. Right, yeah. I'm glad you had to point that out so I'd recognize it. Oh. Right, we're going. We're getting on the train. We're getting on the train.

We'll get on the train. It looks to be a quiet, quiet, empty train up here. That's how we like it though, right? It's a very nice long one. Thank you, Eli, but what about the train? This is my knob. This is your mouth. I love this Platform 6 at Charing Cross.

And it's all postmodern, the architectural style. So it's almost like referencing deco. See this with the lights? It's like a ballroom or something down here, you know what I mean? Oh, Deco-esque. I love it. Can I just say, before you go any further, that, Unless you've got something to reveal,

then that guy who's walking in front of us definitely farted at us. Yes, no, there was an egg. There was a big egg. And he went straight into the toilet, so he must have been biting down on something. Well, that kind of poo you don't bite down on. You sort of just hold in

because it's a big gloshing, galloping, sloap. Schlop, Gallagher Schlop. Anyway, I just walk, I love walking through another man's ass mist. Right at the end, and we've emerged into the daylight again. Oh, I? Excellent. Look at this.

Have we got, we're looking at, what's that we're seeing? That's the other side, that's the, what's over there? That's the Royal Festival Hall. That's right, yeah. Because the Millennium Eyes there. And there's the bridge. Oh, you can see the eye as well everywhere. We're right in the centre here.

We're looking almost at Waterloo, aren't we over that way? I think that lady works on the... I think she drives the train. She's the train driver. I think she does. Excellent. Excellent. What a great job. I want to be a train driver.

You could train, retrain. train? No punning. You have to have a driver's license, a car driver's license to be able to drive a train? I'm sure you do, yeah. Really? I never really thought about it because it's not as if it's the same rules or regulations or whatnot. No, and perhaps technically you don't, but in terms of sort of practicalities, you have to

be able to drive to where your train is stationed. Do you know what I mean? It just make it, I would have thought, make it really impractical to do if you didn't drive yourself. I want to drive a chuff-chuff-chuff train up and down the... I'd like to drive a chuff-chuff-tuff train. No, you're a trucker. I see you more as a trucker. I don't like trucks. I don't like road vehicles.

I know, but if I had to, I'd paint you as a trucker. 254-699-9. I'm heading on down the old convoy rate, Buddha Breaker. Two-four breaker, two-four going to ride my knob-nob train up your chuff-chuff-hole. Got a couple of dead prostitutes in the bay. Dead prostitutes, uh, cliche box trucker tick. Tick! Any more? No, that's it. Pissing bottles. They shit at the side of the road.

Yeah, there you guys. Let us drive on with no regard. No regard. Anyway, what time is it? We better get on the train. We're getting on. Oh, it's our first big day out episode of the... Fucking no one here.

Well, there's that guy there. Where? Right behind us. I'm going to go here. So this journey is about an hour on the train out to Pluckley. And I have also brought a fact. sheets, Mr. Silverman, because apparently there's like 15 ghosts in this village alone from outside ghosts to inside ghosts to like haunted chariots or whatever.

Was this village the one that was featured in Usbourne's Unexplained as the most haunted village? I think it was. Yeah. I think it was. I think it was. That's exciting for me because not being a believer, being somewhat of a skeptic, I get to go somewhere that was featured in a book I liked, basically. I should have brought that book now. I don't know why I didn't. Because I printed out a fact sheet with information and whatnot, and I thought, oh, haven't I done well?

But actually, I should have brought that book because, yeah, it had pertinent information. But honestly, mate, I've got facts of plenty here today. You're going to be absolutely bent over this table and fact right up from behind. Yes. You're going to be facked up the bonger. Is the penis train going up my chuff-chuff-hoff hole?

Yes. Slimy chuff chuff hole? It is the slimyst of slimy chuff chuff holes. Oh, I have things to say, but I've forgotten them all. That's the name of my autobiography. I'd sound to say, but I forgot it all. Question mark. With a picture of you standing on a wooden fence looking out of the...

Standing on a fence? Yeah, like on a style, on a style. You know, like a wooden style on a fence. Standing on a style? Yeah, looking out at the countryside, looking quizzical. That's not wouldn't suit me at all, Paul. Yeah, but it's a... It's an aspirational book.

It's all a load of bullshit. I aspire to be some kind of farmer. Yeah. Ars farmer. Yeah. I know you're going to say that. This is cool. This is going to be a great little trip down.

Where is Pluckley Kent? So it's south. Yeah. It's quite far out. Yeah. The countryside. Yeah, I know. I know.

I looked at the map and saw that for my own eyes. All I'm saying, is that the journey itself ain't that long. It's about an hour and five minutes, something like that. It's not too bad. So, we're just going to get settled anyway now. I don't believe these trains have toilets, just so you know. Of course they fucking do, you idiot.

No, because what? The announcement. Look at that sign there. Oh, well, all right, that's fine. I just heard a thing on the way in saying, this train doesn't have a toilet. No, it would only be a train that, I think there's a time limit for journeys. they can't they can't they have to provide a toilet

especially if it's an hour train there's a toilet there is I mean you're fine we've established that all I was worried about was the fact that the voice on the intercom said there might there's no toilet on this train that's all I'm saying did you just do it as soon as you heard that did you do an internal sort of poo-poo check sort of you know what I mean when you sort of tense it a bit see how bad it is it's like you test the muscle memory don't we

No, you know what? I was kind of worried about that because the last few days I have been a bit more liquid than sodded lately and I was thinking I can't really be doing with that if I'm out and about. But luckily, when I got home from work at around about 5am,

text button dropping. I feel like I've emptied myself out so I'm not really pinching down on anything. Excellent. Anyway. Good. How about your movements? Are we going to... More frequent than they used to be.

But I'm very... Very regular in the morning. That's good. 7 a.m. I'm turning into an old man. I wake up at 7. I don't, there's no, sometimes I'll go back to sleep.

But. And I get really tired at about 10.30 at night as well. Like I want to go to bed. Like I really do just want to go to bed then. Like day's done. I don't. No. You still have that night out.

I'm still a night owl. And I will be a night owl until I am dead, I think. Possibly. do say there's two types of people or whatever, don't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excellent people who are cool, like me, just pulling a name out of the air, and then, you know, degraded, horrible, hollow human beings. Who get up on?

Just thinking of, who can I think of it? Like you, maybe, yeah. You. You, look, we've sort of swapped. I'm less, my degeneracy's alleviating, and your degeneracy's going up. That isn't shit. That's coffee. I'm like, fine, I wasn't going to say that.

Because I wasn't sure when I left the house today, I looked at my palm and it had brown smirkings on. Smarkings. I go, I know that, though. Again, a Peter Genius. Smarkings, that's like a smear and a mark. Marking, it's smir on my palm. And I thought, oh, did my tissue break this morning

when I was doing business? But it turns out it was just when I was making the coffee. Yes. It's a couple of granules bedded in. That's right. I could tell that was instant because, like, ground coffee doesn't leave a stone like that. It's the soluble type that... Yeah, it gets into the grooves.

Steens leaked it, you know. So, I just want people to know that I haven't got shit, Palm. You do not. I wouldn't accuse you that. I don't think of you as someone like that. That's a problem. You can't sustain even, you know, a platonic relationship with someone for a number of years if often they smell and have poo on them. It would something that would come up. Unless they're into it. Some people are into it, aren't they? They love the

bouquet. The other was into it. You're... The other was into it. it unless we were both into it. Oh, you want to be into, oh yeah. I was talking about somewhere else in general. I'm just saying. I'm not telling what I'm saying. I'm just saying if you're the type of person who gets shit on their hands all the time,

I wouldn't be your friend. Aw, what a shame. Oh, there's old palmy. Over there, there's old palm me coming in. Oh, stinky palm. And of course, the first thing he does when he sees you. All right, mate, put your hand out. I'm a hug, mate.

I'm a hug. But then you get it on your shoulder. Yeah, you get it on the back of your head. Oh, dirty old shit, Palmer. Robert Palmer. Oh, he gave me the old Robert Palmer last night. I had a great pun or something. When I was falling asleep last night,

it's not going to come back, is it? You never know. I might come. No, it was one of those ones. We were always like, that's brilliant. I should write that down or something. Hang on, am I asleep already? I am already asleep.

So that's, you know what I mean? It's weird how I can remember having an insight, but I can't remember what it is, you know. Anyway, look, we could rattle on all day, and we are going to. But right now, how long, what time is it, do you make it? 32. So we're going to leave in a couple of minutes. 34 it was, wasn't it?

Yeah, so a couple of minutes, well remembered. Then our journey to Pluckley and the Screaming Woods is on its way. We'll have a lovely view going down through South London, with the sun poking through the hazy clouds. It's actually a nice day. The weather when I first got the tickets said it was going to be radiating cloudy, but actually it's all right, in it? Lovely.

The fact, it looks like the sun is going to come out. The hour leading up to sunset. So it might be really lovely up in the woods there. Oh, I was hoping it'd be a little bit gloomy and spooky. But it still might when we get there, because we're going to be there when it gets dark. So we'll get to investigate the woods in the dark, Eli. Sunset today at 5.54. 5.4, yeah, because I don't think I'll train back until it's like 8.30.

I think I'll train from Plugley. Yeah. Right, look. oh we'll get back to you once the train's on the getting on the tracks rolling on down the tracks alright see it a bit bye bye that wasn't a ghost by the way that was the sound of Eli Silverman yawning

uh we are just a few more stops now away from our destination the train journey has been lovely lovely and the sun's come out and um I just had a little lipper v tan which is an energy drink from Japan everyone I got this on discount

because it's about past its best before for only 30p usually go north of two quid however it seems to make me really sleepy so it's train vibes and then sun coming in through window equals cozy nice sleepy time I really have an intense sleepiness around the eyes you know oh I can feel it pulsing there so Eli's wearing new shades or something

what are they because they look weird Protective eyeglasses. For shooters or something. Cycling. Cycling, because it looks like the kind of thing, like, you know, a rifle marksman would wear. Essentially protective goggles, but for cycling. They make you look like Dennis Raider.

I'll say that. Dennis Raider? Yeah. Who's that? Serial killer. Okay. Lock him up. I can go with that.

You look like him. I wouldn't go. I wouldn't say that. Okay. I got these charity shop. Yeah. Very cheap. And they're brand new.

So they're rock bros. Yeah. Rock Bross is the brand. And I like technical glasses, so there you go. It's just, you know, it's a strange visual choice, I think, because it makes it look like you're about to shoot up a train. So I'm just going to put that out. Is that what Dennis Raider did?

No, he was just a nice old-fashioned serial killer. Did he use guns? I can't remember what he did now. They're all dirty bastards. He all did something horrible. Probably chop people up. I'd have to look it up. There's so many of them.

Oh, they're almost running out of fashion. Anyway, we're heading in now, and London has fallen away, the villagers, and their little satellite towns have dropped away, and now we're getting right into the guts of the countryside. Kent. All right, mate, you don't have to say that. Just trying to explain to people where we are. The oldies are the goodies, aren't they?

Dennis Raider? No. Oh, what are you looking up there? I don't know. Oh, well, I thought you were about to say something. He had your phone out. He went, uh, and then I thought it was going to be followed up by salient facts. So sleepy.

Sleepy. Bye-bye. Sleepy bye-bye time. Anyway, what else happened? A bit of coffee is fine. No, honestly, this has been a journey without incident so far. Just been nice and cozy. Lovely.

Honestly, lovely. But anyway, we're getting off in a minute, so we'll come back once we get off this train. I think we're coming in now, I think. Yes, we are. We've just been through Headcorn. Spunk corn. Wow. Wow.

You know what? What a head corn made me think of. That story I heard, no, it made me think of that story I heard about, maybe epigraphal, but about someone having aneur, unprotected anal with their girlfriend, and then having some kind of inflamed knob and then... They were joined. No, they had a little bit inside a corn on the cob. Right, I'm moving on.

That's fine. Yeah, good. It was infected at the base of their peepee. Do you think people want to hear that? God pass was coming out there, wee hole. Right, good. Do you think... Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah. Yeah. Shut up. What are you... Yeah, we're pulling into the station now. Nowhere, by the way. I'm getting antsy. I'm getting anxiety because I'm...

You're going to press the button. There's no button. There is, is it. I can't... I can't... I've got it. Well, I'm doing it. I've done it.

Yeah, no, that's it. Here we are. Say again? One other person got off. Yeah, no, let me just check where all my gubbins are. Because I also want to take a picture of this platform as well, because this is one of those platforms that you expect the Harry Potter train to stop at, in it?

It's like that kind of old British out in the middle of nowhere, railway station. How's that look? There's some wasteland just by the side of the station. Yeah. It looks like to be an old car park that's all overgrown. Oh, my guts have suddenly started. playing up. I don't know what's wrong. I've got like a curdling in my belly bolt.

I think you need to go to the loo? No, I just think I need to do a really cracking big fart and then I'll be fine. Well I'm gonna go off up there. I've already done a few on the train if I'm being honest. Well I didn't pick up on that. Good. I find away from, uh, I don't know what? I just want to take a picture of the platform before we go because look at it. It's kind of old-fashioned like the olden days. So here we are Pluckley, Pluckley Station. Very quiet. Very quiet. Incredibly. dead. Only one other person got off the train. Stop, why is everything about your guts?

They can't hear it. The microphone's too far away. It won't pick anything up. The only way they'll know is if you dob me in. Oh, look, it's a little ticket office. Waiting room. But there's like a nice leather couch and a little kind of fireplace. I don't think you're allowed in here. Yeah, it's a waiting room. Yeah, but it looks like it's a waiting room for posh people. It says way out when the ticket office is close.

It's the way out. No, it's... Well, all right, fine, but either way. The toilets are there. Well, we can't get in there either. It's a very payable from station staff. Well, we're not going there, are we? Do you need to go?

No, yes. So look, where we are on the map. So we've travelled out here somewhere. Seven, folks. Ramsgate, Margate. So we are somewhere here. Can you see it? Yeah, I'll find it at home.

Oh, oh, no. I've got bad tummy all of a sudden. You do? It's really come on quite bad, bad style. I can't fucking find it. It's here, Canterbury East Chartham. Chartham? Charton.

Why West? Pluckley. There we are. We're here right now. There's here, Pluckley. There we go. Yeah, you take a little picture of that because that's where we are.

So very much south east of London towards Ashley. Towards Dover, really, when you think about it in Hastings. It's that neck of the woods, isn't it? Yeah, right out there. It's the furthest of it. No, it's not the first we've been out for an episode. We went to fucking LA, you idiot. Oh, that was a proper burble.

Oh, stop, guys. Where is it again, guys? Pluckley, next to head corn. Remember? Yes. The shit up the urethra. Gag. Gag.

That's a real classic story that. Bring that out. Oh, I know, Sam. I've got a little piece of sweet corn stuck down their knob. What happened to their knob? Did they get 30 and drop off? got swollen. Now, shall we leave here or do we go over the footbridge? Well, there are no

regular bus services serving Pluckley Railway Station. It has no taxi rank or cab office. So advanced booking is important, so it just means we need to do a bit of walking. We need to basically go this way, Eli, he says, because we're not

going to the village. We're not going anywhere near the village. The woods is over here. So we're going to go along Chambers Green Road or... There's no shops. There's nothing. I thought they were... I was hoping I could get a Red Bull. You just had an atomic rat or whatever it was? It's not an Lipo-V-Tan.

Atomic rat. Where did you get that from? That sounds like a 2000 AD cartoon. Yeah, it is. No, it isn't. It was Strontium dog. Atomic rat? No.

Look, a little spider. It's only got six legs. Oh, no, there I steer the other two. He was hiding them. Anyway, there's a little spider. I don't know what to do next. So that's 10 minutes. So judging by that, we're probably out of 20 minutes.

it walk away from actually uh thing that seems but we should go get into the village just to get some provisions well no because we're going to have to go half an hour out to get to the village and then come half an hour back in well no there's some there must be a shop just here just there just around here somewhere i bet you there isn't can we just have a little two minute look over there okay

Eli's going to be disappointed i reckon so there's the station that's the road so station road dear. I don't know why he's going that way. I think we've got to go over that big bridge because we're in a car park right now. We're going to be spending the majority. We're not going near Pluckley.

There's a few reasons why we're not going to Pluckley. One is it's too far out in terms of the village. And the second thing is, apparently, the people who live around here fucking hate people who come here looking for ghosts. Really, I bet you can't you? Because around the... I might be wrong. Oh, I need to change.

this. Right. No, let's say it and we'll see. Oh, no, because I always ended up having to edit stuff out, but I think like Pluckley was near where that haunted house that's just literally popped out of my fucking head. Bawley Rectory. Hawley. Bawley. But maybe

I'm wrong, actually. I'm feeling quite bawly. Hang on. Where was Bawley Rectory? There's Bawley, Essex. Well, that's not here. No, so it's not. anywhere near anyway. At least we're fact-checking live. But here we are. And it's very quiet. It's extremely quiet. I haven't seen another living soul since we left the station. Apart from the man on the bridge clearing up the trash. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. On the bridge clearing up the rubbish. Rubbish. Trash. You keep, you're like, where's the gate in the train station? Hey, buddy, how can I settle my bill? They don't say that They do They say the cheque You got that wrong You got that wrong There's a footpath that way

And there's a footpath that way But I think we need to go We need to take one of those Probably Yeah maybe Don't we Probably that one

Going that way Because at some point Green sand way is that way Yeah The footpath is there I bet that goes towards the woods But we need to check

No no Because the woods Are over in this direction over that way Well let's just Can we just have a look Around the corner Yes

What is this place Is this little hotel or is this a... Yeah, it looks like a pub, hotel thing. House for all is no dog. No children unless under 12 years. No, it's a pub. No children are under 12, not unless under 12 years.

No children that's their 12 years old. This is the Daring Arms Free House, but I don't know if it doesn't look like a pub. Look at that old sign. That is like a, it's a folk horror sign, isn't it? Yeah. See, it might be a pub because there's a no dog sign and everything. But I also get the impression that this is one of those places

that don't like those people come around here, no, no, no, no, no. There's no, no. There are no shops. So, we need to go this way if we're going to go to... Do we want to walk along this station ride? Well, we have to. There's no pavement, though, is there? So...

Oh, look, green sand way, there's been signposted. So that must be like an official trail, as they say. You know, like the capital ring. Because, look, it's been signposted. It has, but I don't know. see if it will let's see what green sand way takes us to green sand way is a 108 mile so the green sand way is a 108 mile long distance walking route in southeast London sorry in southeast England running between holmeshire and surrey and ham street in kent follows the ridge of greens and rock

scenic trails through the surrey hills and kent down's area but i don't know if this will take us past I don't know if this will take us past the woods because I honestly think this is not this path's not going to take us by the woods Okay, should we go back up over the station then? Well, we need to go across that road We need to go up and over the bridge

Well, but it's unsafe because there's no pavement Let's go back on the station and cross the bridge there That's a thought, yeah If indeed we can do that I'm sure we can. Well, I'm thinking that it might be be like the other platform is just where the other platform is and the bridge just takes you there there's actually no other exit have a little look on google maps yeah yeah because i'm

yeah yeah so that's where we are right now right and we need to go over here so this uh walking 40 minute walk so okay actually yeah no we do i was right we have to go back that over the bridge over this bridge yeah because look see if i point this way we're going that way so we're going up and then we're going to go across and over and down and then we get there so it's about a 40 minute walk, mate. Seven minute drive. Yeah, well, guess what option we don't have there? I've got 48 minute walk on Google.

That's because you've got shorter legs, so it's probably factoring in that time, isn't it? It's not factoring in my leg. It's probably like factoring in short-arse time. How are you lie? It's going to take a poor half an hour, but it'll take you 55 minutes. Shut up.

Because you're little, little potty legs. We also need to remember, mate, we need to get back here for the right time. So we can't afford to dawdle. We can't be too far out. otherwise we get fucked. What times our train? 820, 8.30.

We're going to be stuck here with no food and drink for fucking eight hours. I mean, I've got drink, food. You got food? Yeah, I bought stuff. Anyway, hang on. Also, in the voice message I left to you the other day, I was like, oh, Eli, I'm going to grab this, this, this and this, right? I've got hot water. You're in charge of snacks and drinks, and so all you've brought is hot water.

And two gin and tonic cans. And... You see how that might be a problem. and a pocketner-a-a-groni, and... and... ...some gherkins. And... And...

I've got some sources. I've got hot sauce. So nothing of any value? I didn't know it'd be this fucking bad in terms of no shops. Who are these people out here? Villagers living a quiet sedate life, away from the hustle and the bustle of a major city or town. I need water, though. well we'll just drink hot water

just drink it is why do you you just yeah look he's going to manufacture some conflict no no I'm not I'm just saying your planning is traditionally

fucking awful you never prepare ever you just go rock up whatever I did prepare I've got loads of stuff I've got the picnic blanket I've got the hot water yeah but you bought a picnic picnic

picnic blanket but no picnic I thought there'd be I stopped laughing at me. I thought there'd be a shop. There's nothing out here. It's just a wood. 40 minutes away. We're going to die out here.

Honestly, mate, I think that just takes to the other platform. I don't think we need to... I don't think we need to... Investigate this anymore. No, no, no, no, because I think it's just the other platform, in it? Let's have a little look. See what I mean.

See, it's just going to take us to that platform. which is the only way of hack is here so we need to go over that bridge we can walk out there we can walk out there that just takes us to this side that's any car park wasteland we can't get out that way I'm just having a little look now but honestly it just looks like

that guy's park there but I don't think there's an access in I mean there is a no we can't because we can't get out through that gate so no we've got to go and take the bridge so desolate mate I told you we're going somewhere desolate today

But there's no, no shops, I'm starving. I'm thirsty. I'm going to die dehydration. Well, we don't know that. We won't see something on the other side of the bridge, all right? You're right. So how about you put your knickers back on? No, it takes a shot.

It's beautiful day. It is actually a beautiful day. It's lovely. Lazy, sunny. Now, as ever, we have got the 360 camera, and we will be doing little bits, but this will not be an extensive 360 video. So, uh, we're just going to film little bits.

I feel like you're talking in my head because it's so quiet. It's still as fuck, ma'am. Look down. there's nothing there. No, I know. I know. It's called not being in London. There's loads of things like this

across the UK. Look at that shed over there. There's a couple of dead people in it. It has that vibe. It has a real horror vibe. Shall we start making steps then? Because we've been here. Making steps?

Yeah, we've been here 50 minutes. Start making steps. Yes, start making steps. That's a perfectly normal thing that people say. Of course it is. Yeah, let's start making steps. Before I fucking crush you into some smarking on the road, smacking.

Okay, you're right, though. We're going to put this away for a bit. A little bathtub. Go sit, stand by that. You really are like the dogging up, aren't you? Christ. Does he just say things he sees? Yeah, squirrel.

It's that kind of thing. Here I am. Is that chives? It looks like there's some chives in the bathtub. Taste those chives. No. Catch pollen, rye. What does it say?

Kent. They made that bathtub? Yeah, so it's a kent. bath. Right mate. The noise of the bath? Oh, it would twang if it wasn't filled with soil. Taste those chives.

Let's just, can we just agree now that it's time to just sit up, put our best foot forward? Shall we do that if nothing else? It's not making steps, man. Yeah, let's put our best foot forward. Right. No way through. It's, no. Like Pierre Ginn's, we've got to go around and about.

All right. Careful, because there's no pavement on that. mate I am abundantly aware of that. No single file yeah. Alright. Anyway, yes, there will be an accompanying 360 video but I'll not be an extensive one. Just a little kind of video diary,

kind of fun as we do it kind of thing, all right? So calm down. Right, let's get over this bridge and then we'll figure out where we're going next. Right, so even though we're going to the woods, Pluckley is like a mile and a quarter that way. So if you're interested,

Pluckley, a historic Kent village, often sighted Is that the church we can see there? Yeah Up that way You see the church spire coming up from the mist of Pluckley I'll take a shot of that

Take a shot of that Is that pluckly there? It must be right? It took that way Yeah about a mile and a bit away That looks like perfect That must be Pluckley right So that's really haunted church

It looks incredibly sort of gothic Well we'll go into all the ghost's locations later But apparently it's England's most haunted village It holds the 1989 Guinness World Record For its reported 12 or 14th 14 ghosts, including a phantom coach, a highway man, and a red...

I'm telling them. I'm telling them, because they're more important to me than you. That guy who's coming right up here. No fucking slowing down for pedestrians. Well, they've probably never seen one up here. No. No, that's the right accent for this part of the world. Captain Curis's accent.

Oh, shit. Anyway, look, it's a haunted village. Right. And the Guinness World Record book in 1989 awarded it Most Haunted Village, which, you know what? I got fucks me off. Because like with most world records, there's some kind of imperial measurement of success. Yeah.

But ghosts don't exist. So how can you possibly get... Yeah. I can just go, oh, my street's got 20 ghosts on. Oh, now I've got the Guinness Book of World Record. Anyway, there is a... But also, the Guinness Organisation... are fucking evil cunts.

And it's not just that they don't give a lot of fuck. They're actively cunts. Yeah, you have to pay for whatever. Yeah, so some cunt paid for it, basically, didn't they? Yeah. Just because they wanted to attract. The town of Plutliolet all got together and went, here's a couple of Bob Guinness.

Yeah, yeah, why not? And if anyone said they got more ghosts, you fucking fuck off. They have a phantom coach, a highway man and a red lady. Also, it's a filming location for the TV series Darling Buds of May. and features picturesque oast houses of 14th century church and the daring widows The screaming woods though

is where we're going Daring widows Daring widows Wendows yeah Windows windows Windows Daring windows See me by the body heat

Dairy windows The Screaming Woods is where we're going to Or more famously Daring Woods It's famous for a report of Daring. Daring woods. It's daring.

But it's only one R. Daring woods. Daring woods. I would say it's probably daring. You might be right, but there's only one R. Anyway, it's reportedly famous for blood curdling screams, Eli. I'd love to hear that. If you don't lube up,

because if you don't lube up tonight, Gannon's going to be making a parallel. Is that really? Is that really? Is that really? Gannon's going to make some phallic normal, uh, uh, paranormal. Oh, fuck.

Fuck my brain. Fuck you, brain. I've looked after you. Dangle normal, dangle normal activity. A dangle, homosexual activity. Oh, fuck it. Regret it.

Are those daffodils? Yes. They're coming out. It's very spring-like today. Spring is coming a little bit early, even though it's been a really wet winter, isn't it? Well, the wet probably helps with the flowers,

doesn't it? It's the cold. cold that kills the flowers. Anyway, the Daring family was a big name around Pluckley back in the day. I'm sure, because they're everywhere. Well, this is, it was because the thing is with, with, like, villages like this, is that they were quite important for kind of big families to establish properties and their legacy as a rich family.

Yeah. You know, because you're making your money through city work, you know, whether that's like slavery or corn or you run the docks, you build ships, but then when you make your money, you come out of London and you build a big mansion somewhere in a town like this. But as a result, like for instance, the Archibishop of Canterby once owned all of Pluckley. I did that? Yeah. And it became, it's just one of these little villages that you see a lot of where they become really important to those families who are becoming you know, like Nouveau-reach. Like the royal families, the royalty of the UK was breaking up and so

more people were making their money and becoming lords and ladies by self-proclaiming that they were, right? And building a big fucking house and saying, look, look who we know and how much money we've got. But then, obviously, as the years go on and you roll into the 1900s, all those families start losing their money, whatever, lots of nerd-de-well stories who fritted their cash away from previous generations hard work. And then you get haunted houses effectively out the back of that. Right. So that's sort of the process. And then a cynical person might say, And then you get the haunted houses because these families no longer have the generational wealth. They're down on their luck. So they need something to attract people to put it back on the map to make money.

You know, it's what I'm getting at. The hauntings arise because people want to make money. And people would argue, oh, that's a new thing, really, with the birth of Most Haunted and those kind of shows and paranormal tourists. But no, it was going back to like the 1920s, 1930s, early late 1800s, where you've got basically these scam artists. Well, you've got people who did. inherit these houses or marry into these houses that were once beautiful but now run down, shit, out of date. And so they would have to make their own kind of entertainment. And part of that was the rising job of spiritualism. So you marry that with your house. You add legacy, you add history,

you add a story to it. It's all part of like the identity of like preserving your wealth and identity. Yes. And so would you say that the rise of spiritualism in the late 1800s really was The real forefather two things like Most Haunted and the ghost hunting sort of content we get online now. I mean, ish, effectively, yeah, because spiritualism and things of that ilk always blossom after financial disasters in the country or war. First World War must have been a big thing then.

Or the Boer War. There's also another one, you know, where we're sending hundreds of young people out to die. That's where the Brits invented concentration camps, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. Well, I'm glad we invented something of worth. So anyway, a village like Pluckley, to reduce it down to the basics,

it's prime for ghost stories because of its association with like landowning and building houses and, you know, village history and legacy and characters. I just don't know why, out of all the places in the UK, Pluckley was plucked out of the areas being the most haunted. It just seems like a bit random. Well, we won't see, but perhaps it's got that look, you know. Oh, mate, we've got coal, charcoal gas logs, kind of. Maybe this is a place here where you can buy a thing.

No, you can only buy types of fuel to burn and no red bull to fuel me. I thought it might have been a little, you know, like a garden centre with like... Is there a shop? No. They sell colour gas? Yeah. Do you think you could squirt that down my throat and it would keep me going? Wow. no I think it would kill you and then I'd have to carry you

and this bag of shit with me and my bag of shit I'd leave my bag of shit wouldn't you I know yeah I would I'd leave you in a ditch everyone just think it was a natural end to an obvious end to your life

a natural and obvious end to my life how nice of you of course Eli was going to be found in a ditch it was written in the stars anyway we went the wrong way at the start anyway so now we had to backtrack so here we are we're backtracking and we're still

Let me say we went the wrong way. Just take a little blame. See, we're... I need a piss. We're 29 minutes away. We can't even cut across the field. If you could cut across that way, it could take 10 minutes off,

but it's all private land and shit. No, there's no footpath. Oh, look, there's a footpath. Do you think that's going to go the right way? No. If anything. Can I just go in there and piss, though? I mean, you could, mate, you can potentially piss anywhere you like.

I'm just going to pop in there, though. All right, well, then go ahead and do that. The odds are good that no one will see you, apart from the people live in that house with open windows who might be staring at you right now. That's the only thing I can think of. Also, that path looks, again, blocked off. It does, and that's a kind of stye, type of stye.

It feels like it's like, here's all these footpaths. Good fucking luck being allowed to use them. Well, that's a big issue in Britain at the moment, isn't it? Right to ramble and all of that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Anyway, I just want to look at this thing. There could be cows,

Careful of cows. There's a cow sign. In the county of Kent, in southern England, you'll find the Pictress village of Pluckley. Even the town itself is pretty meaningless. It's a bit harsh. It is much loved by tourists, especially by ghost hunters. Pluckley has a high ghost density of at least 12. Yeah, we've read all this. What about the woods?

People who have seen ghosts in the village as well as in the woods. The woods are originally called Daring Woods. Daring. named after the village's most important residents, the Daring family, interestingly, spelt with two oz. Oh, the family has two oz? Yeah, but the wood has one. Weird.

I knew I thought it saw the... Continent economy, isn't it? No. What? Consonant economy. Don't need the extra R, do you? Okay. You don't.

Anyway, throughout the years, the woods have been called the screaming woods, for the people of Pluckley would hear screams coming from the woods at night. They claim it's from people who got lost there through the centuries. A long time ago, a man who dug clay pits for the brick factory got buried under a large pile of clay. He was buried alive in his own freshly dug pit. And apparently it could be his blood-curdling screams that you hear to this day. The woods are also the stage of a brutal murder of a robber. He was probably killed by other criminals while fleeing into the woods on his horse. when he saw a hollow tree trunk

he hid there hoping his horse would return home as horses normally do but his horse stayed there and revealed him to his attackers that's proper Tudo anyway they saw he was hiding

and then one of the Anacres where's Eli to laugh at that Eli you missed that I was meant to say attackers but the word actually came out as Anacres There you go, got gild.

Anyway, the man was stabbed in the woods and his spirit is seen there. And then another woman was the mistress of some daring men. She might have been fed up with the love triangle and drank poison and then went into the woods to die.

The red lady has still seen wandering around. What's this? Churches and cemeteries are known to attract spirits. The church of St. Nicholas has a few. The who would be going anywhere near there, unfortunately. but I've got some more printouts and stuff so you know we'll reveal more about the ghosts of Pluckley later

as well as our price of shite once we get to the fucking woods Christ by the time we get there we're going to have to turn back Christ I didn't expect it to be hot today I've got four layers on I'm fucking sweating my tith off I knew that would happen just have to say I knew that would happen

well done you we're going to I think we're in the throat Oh, I've pooed. Have I? Oh no, it's just a fabric of my boxes. I thought I'd pooed them. Anyway, God. Going well, everyone.

I go to the end of this street and we turn left and then go down that way a bit. There's an oast house. Oh, is that one what they look like that? That's an oast house. What do you do? They put oats?

Yeah, I guess. Why don't they spell it properly then? Uh, I think you were. I don't know. Are we looking at a host house? Why has it got a weird, wonky steeple? I don't know. Cool, huh?

It is cool. I like him. Cool looking host house. On the Oest House, Alan Partridge. Was he in a converted Oest House? Yeah. That's where he made it. This where he makes his podcast from, yeah.

From the Oest House. Right, okay, we're off. Will we find a shop? Will we get to the woods within the hour? Otherwise, we'll probably have to leave around six. 30 to make sure we get here for the train home. Anyway, we'll figure it out. We're off on a spooky walk and when we get settled,

I'll bring out the first price of shite eye to me. How about that? Okay, cool. All right, cool. And we might go to lapel mics as well when we get to the woods and do it that way from there at this point on. I like lapel mics. Mike's such a great guy.

And with the lapels, they're just so entertaining. You go, there you go, hello, I'll have this with the usual. And they go, and then Mike comes out. No. And he's got huge lapels. And that's why they call it lapel mics, because he's known as lapel mic. Because it's just like, wow, big lapel.

No. I mean, he's got massive... Stop this. Massive lapels. Lapels, lapels. Oh, the bells. Oh, the bells. I'm fucking knackered as far.

I know, we're knackered. We've fucking just walked up the road a bit. I've got a big bag on, a fucking heavy, thick coat, thinking it was going to piss down to me cold today. and now I've got to be some civilisation there's literally not a pluckley farm shop there it's not shut it's it's not open it's not I have antiques there as well but I ain't gonna work for us right take a left here you think I think for the next half an hour or so we're just gonna be

dodging cars on a main road as we fucking try and get out of here or it's gonna be good walking back in the dark isn't it well I've got a big torch well so I'm not too bothered about that I bought a new torch and it's fucking boss Yeah, it's top boss. Hi, Lumens. Mate, the Pluckley Farm Shop is open. Is it? A woman just came out and she's in their car.

Now she's looking at us because she don't... They don't like... Do you think they have drinks in there? Maybe. Oh, let's check. Pop in? Right, we're going to go to the shop. I'm going to get off the road.

All right. Perfect time for a little break. Right. Okay, Paul. Yeah. What's the state of play? I need you to... I need you to adult now.

Because I'm feeling a little bit child. So I'd like you to do a little bit of what... you I deserve from you okay and daddy it up and tell me what's going on because we're by a quarry it's fucking fucking getting cold it's getting dark I'm getting massive evil dead vibes from the trees and I'm not into this that's what I'm saying I tired I've had something to smoke and now I feel all freaked out and I'm having a wait and if you think about it life just is pain isn't it all right life is suffering son let Daddy protect you. Okay, yes.

Daddy will protect you because Daddy's got a plan. What's the plan, man? Have you looked at the... We are. I mean, we're literally facing the woods, but from where we are, we can't get to them. There's a path up there which might potentially take us to the woods. If not, we've got to go back the way we came and go round. Let's try that way then. Because that's potentially closer, isn't it? Hopefully.

But judging by the map, it could be this private property, but maybe there's a gate between the houses that take us up there. Can I just say, I'm sorry I spent so much of your actual money. on this massive bottle of apple juice. Yeah, Eli went to the farm shop and paid like 20 pounds for some glass of fucking. It's 420. What's it called? 420.

420, yo. Yeah, 420, yo. What's it called? Forskin. Oh, no, Duskin. I thought it said Forskin. You think everything, says Forskin. Duskin, single variety, English apple juice.

This is the good stuff. Cox. Me? Yeah, cox. Cocks. Cocks apples. No, I thought, why weren't the quarry? Pluckly Quarry, danger, deep water, safety helmets and high visibility clothing must be worn beyond this point.

Do you see there's a bit of tape over the bottom of the sign and you know what it's covering? In a case of an emergency please call and they used to be a number but now there's no number. They've redacted it with a big piece of tape. So if you go in there and you have an accent, you are fucked but also CCTV cameras so they can laugh at you while you die. But before we got going, I thought why not since we're into the episode and this is part one of two, hopefully. Let's get the price of shite going. All right, but you have a pen and paper? Write it on your phone.

There's only four items. I've got pen and paper. Oh, I don't like beepy, beepy, man. That was fucking Texas Chainsville massacre shit. They're beeping us. That's like the hitchhiker. I don't want to have old pitties, old young fish is coming out of the country. Yeah.

He saw your mic. They're going to come around. Oh, they have. They've stopped. They've turned around. Shut up. No, this is a stupid cat. Yeah, I know.

I'm just a little stinker You literally can't act for shit, can you? It's weird How often have I said that out loud though acknowledging that fact? No, no, I wasn't having a go. I wasn't having a go. I just found it quite amazing

how you couldn't just go Oh, they're turning around You couldn't do it flat, you know what I mean? Oh no mate, they're coming round No, they really are this time They really are, look It's coming round No, it's coming back

As if it was me Do it as if it was me That's if you were me. I've shot my pants. I've shot him. I love that. That'll never grow old for me. Get a pen and paper.

I'm going to give you your first item for the price of shite whilst we're here, all right? Because we have a finale price of shite item, which I'm excited to show you. Do you have room for these two gins in your bag? No. This bag is full of equipment that I don't want to put liquid anywhere near if that's all right. Right? Right. It's bad enough I've got my flask near my camera.

don't like that at all. I've got ice in there. That's nice. Ice in your Yetty mug. Yeah. Nice. Right, so I've got a few items. Let me pull the first one out.

Oh, God. About to do this. It's the cheap book. Look at that. Stick on the back. Cheerful. Oh, nice. That's the notebook.

This one's not the best one. So, don't worry about this one being shit. It was one of those. I need four items, so I'll grab this. Here is your first item on. Hang on my good.

I've never got the pen yet. I've done the theme tune. I had to do this right. It's the walkabout price of shite. It's the walkabout price of shite. It's that walkabout price of shite. Oh, the walkabout price of shite. Walk about, walk about, walk about. That's right.

That's right. And we have four items, three of which I bought in Ryslip High Street, I think it is. Why is that funny? Why is that funny? I just High Slip, High Slip, High Slipe, High Slipe, High Slipe. That was going to be that funny. High Street. High Street.

Rice-lip High Street. Right. Did not expect... Those weird echo rhymes. They really get me. High Street. Race-lip High Street. Rice-lip High Street.

Rice cake. I bought a rice cake on Rice-up High Street. Right. So... There were four items. I've gone mad. You have. One of which I got in...

Um... Kentish Town. So one was in Kentish Town and three were from Ryslip High Street. I'm not even sure I'm not even sure if Ryslip has a High Street but it was not too far away from where the Lido was.

It does. I mean it's a bit like rural around there as well anyway there's like five charity shops on that road so I went there because I don't usually get to go. So this first item is not the best one I'll be honest with you

and even though it's a little game we probably won't play it maybe I'll save it for another future cheap shots video but here's your first item Mr. Silverman I have recorded the prices. And is there a quid's gambit? Yes.

One of these items was a quid. One of these items was a quid. Yes, actually, well done for reminding me. I would have forgotten that. Now, ladies and gentlemen, as you may be aware, the pointing system on this is, if you get the price exactly right, you're going to get two betwings.

That's our points scoring system, a betwiang. And for guessing the price correctly, you get two of them. However, if you're out, 25P higher or lower of the actual price, you'll get one between, which I think is a fair trade-off. Close but no cigar, but a betwiang in the back pocket. So with that being said, Eli, what is the first item I just gave you?

You have given me a mint on card. Very mint. Very new-looking. Pass the pigs set. These, if you don't know, everyone, are a novelty dice where the dice are little figurines of pigs. Is that right? Is that what you'd say? And so you roll them, as you would,

conventional dice. And then you can get different points depending on how the two end their role. So, for example, the leaning jowler. 15 points. That's the best possible you can have. I gave her a leaning yowler or whatever it's called.

Leaning jowler. The leaning jowler is like a pig who's up on its snout, one ear and one leg. That's a big boy. A snouter, that's just on its nose, 10 points. Double 40 points Oh you see They're both if you get

If they're both on their side Yeah It's just one point One point Making bacon Back to zero They're touching It looks like they're having pig sex

Really? Making bacon back to zero it says I thought that'd be a good one Mix combo You can have a mix combo You can have a mixed grill Yeah You can have some fucking

Anyway We used to play this At boarding school Did you? Yeah Did you? That wasn't a euphemism before what you actually got to at Borderswooders.

Oh, me and my best mate, Timmy boy, we're going to play past the pigs. Oh, oh, he gave me a leaning yowler. It's quite fun and unique. I can't think of any... Why has it got tough pigs on it? Because they're pigs, capitalist pigs, aren't they? Yeah, that's a good point.

They're capitalist pigs. I've never thought about that before. Past the pigs? Past the pigs. I don't know. I've never even seen that artwork before, but wouldn't you say? They've got bow ties and tuxedos.

and top hats. Those are the rich guy for Monopoly or whatever, isn't it? Except he didn't have a Monocle. Monocle. Monopoly. Wait, he doesn't, does he? Mr. Moneybags or whatever his name is. Mandela things.

Pass the pigs and it's in a very fetching plastic carrying case. And I bet that if we look inside that it will have a little pad, score pad in there, Paul. And that's a kind of detailing I really like on these games. Now, I'm getting there. You be careful fishing out your pigs. Yeah, got it out. Nice.

A bit too much box for what you buy, if you ask me, but it's nicely presented. How does this open now? I don't know. I think it comes with a scorecard and pencils inside. I like that and I want to see it. All right, I'm not going to stop you from doing it, but it is getting dark.

I don't want to spend 25 minutes of you trying to open up past the pigs. How does it open, though? Oh, there it is. He simply has to pull it to one side and it slid open. Come in, you've got the little plastic covers still on the pigs, man. Rule book, pre-sharpened, bookies pencils. And a little score. Eerie little school pad.

I love this. And it all fits in. I love this item. I honestly thought I'd get this out and you'd be like, oh, for fuck's sake, Paul, this. What a load of shit? I don't know Pastor Pigs. Yeah, he knows Pasta Pigs from his board and school days.

No? I've never played it. That's why I'm thinking maybe we could do it as a cheap shot. You know what I mean? We can play past the pigs as a cheap shot. And then we can play past the pig. And then we can play dick in mouth, dick in mouth. Snouter.

I gave Eli a proper snouter. I gave me a leaning jowler with my snouter. Oh, I gave him a pig cock up the bum. Sound really travels when we're out in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, look, Eli, that is your first item, past the pigs. This is the one I got. in Reisle Pie Street. In a shop, though.

What kind of shop? A charity shop. It's going to be either St. Luke's. Oh, God, what's going to look? All aboard, I think, was... 250. He's saying 250. Oh, can I give you a ceiling?

Would you like a ceiling? Let me just give me a quick moment of math in my head. The church in Pluckley over there is sort of glowing in the looming, in the glooming, looming. Isn't it? You can see why there's like, haunted why people thought it was haunted around here right i'll tell you this right now before i

forget because i've just done the mental math all together and there's not i'm not going to give you a rough estimate i'm going to tell you altogether 10 pounds and 50 pence on across these four items the actual ceiling yeah 10 pounds 50 pence of four items are we playing 25 p either way yeah yeah this is a nice thing this is a nice thing and this is at least like a 10 and a number At least, I'm thinking like 11, 12, and it is new. I mean, it's brand, brand new. In fact, one of the other items in here today, the final item, although it's not in its box when I bought it, it was mint in box.

I just left the box at home because it was too big, but basically it would never been open this thing. This is 100% mint. And what is more? It is a current addition, because it has a mobile phone app, and it has an advert for, oh my God, pass the pass the page. There's another game called Past the Pugs, mate. A doggy version.

This was unique. They've got a dog version. And there's another version on the other side. Those dogs aren't even dressed up. They're just pug. They're just pug dogs. I want capitalist dogs. I want capitalists.

I want something like the evil. No, they have to be skinheads or something. I don't know. And there's another one on the other side. If you look as well, look at the other one. Yeah, that's what I was going to mention because I saw that. That's giant past the pigs. So two big inflatable ones.

That's not going to be as fun, is it? It might be a bit of fun. Too big inflatable ones. Well, pigs. You can play Twister and that. And you could fuck them. And you try and fuck a pig as it comes by. Twist a fuck a pig.

Twist a fuck a pig game. M.B games for all the family. Hello. Join us in Rice Lipp High Street for fuck a pig through the air twister game. Fuck a twister pig. I've ruled up my knob, spurty, spurtie. Hey, stop going, right? Your knob.

Honestly, it's such a kind of narrow, fucking alley for you to mind for comedy. I'm so unhappy, though, and I just want to laugh. When I say normal, whatever, you know what I mean? All right. Well, listen, how much do you think that was? I'm 250, did you say? All right, fine. Write that down. I can't believe it was much less than that.

Is what I'm saying, because it's at least a 12 quid in Target in America or whatever. If it was, I don't even think they've got it. They might have it in Target. You like in this content? Not really. That's your first item. Three more to go. And we'll do that.

We'll do the next one once we get into the woods now. Put the past the pigs away. I'm going to do that now. Right, we're going to get backed up and we're going to walk on and hopefully we'll find our entrance to the woods because it is getting dark all of a sudden now, isn't it? God he is and we're going to get stranded out here on these treacherous roads with no pavement after dark. Got a torch. Oh, Big Daddy Paul's got his big torch.

He'll get out, swing it around. That's not going to save me from getting smashed down by a dick in a Ford Cortina. Is it? Is it? Better than getting smashed up by a dickhead called Ford in the back of his courtina with his dick. Oh my God. In your mouth. Snout, snout.

Whatever. You can do it. Oh, yeah, when you do it as me. All right, I'll do it as you. Snouty knobgob. Snouty knobgob, wanky woo. You're right. It's hard to get the magic down with you, isn't it?

Right, let's get going. All right, everybody. Can I say about my pen, though? Quick. It's really good. Thank you. It's got a grip. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

It's got a grip and a little, see-through... Oh, he's thrown it away. You are mean. I just want to get this done with. Why he's off to get his pen. We're going to set off for a walk. All right, let's crack on.

Meaning. Right, so we're now back at the farm shop. We've wasted literally an hour going up a road and then back down a road. So Eli, because of his short stature and a short leg length, He is a little bit behind me So I just thought I'd do a little catch-up

In that our cool trip to pluckley Scary Screaming Woods Has so far been mostly walking up one road And back Oh, there's sheep in that van They're off to the slaughter Or maybe they're going to be made into lovely jumpers It could be one or the other

Could be jumpers first And then chops This big SUV went past me with a family right I don't know if you saw it, big black SVV full of ginger kids and when they drove past they all stirred at me and pointed and the single most like haunting image

I've seen in a while like a bunch of pale ginger kids pointing at you were gassed as if to say why mother there was a stranger in the village I saw some sheep I saw those sheep in the back of the thing yeah I was just saying

so yeah so we're going to call it a day yeah we're not calling it a day we've gone up the road and then back. We've gone to the, we've gone to a quarry in back. It's boiling hot. I know. I know. And all the towns are just weird.

Smod and Biddleden. Charing, that's all right. That's that way, isn't it? We're not going back that way. We're going up this way. And we're going to then take a left at this T-junction and then go round and then find a fucking exit. Well, I don't know. When I read the thing on the website about this,

this guy who walked to Daring Woods. He was like, it's a short walk from the station. We've been out 90 minutes. Yeah, that's about 1850s. No, it was like, it was a blog he posted like six months ago. He's a dick. He's not. He said it was a short walk from the station.

This is the closest station. I did the maths on this. It is the closest station. The other one was like a two and a half hour walk and they don't have bus routes. As it stands, this is still a bit of fucking two and a half hour walk. So I believe we take a left at this junction I'm not calling you an ambulance

What do you find Obsession Night for Men Kelvin Klein Where do you find that? On the road Do you want to smell it up? No, don't pick it up There's a truck coming Why? Why? Make me smell nice Wait, not one not I mean fine but you don't know that it's not

I'll smell it It's very faint, but it's there. Oh, that's not faint, that's hardcore. It's perfectly good cologne, Nat. And it's for men? It says for... No, I'm not... No, I'm just too.

You're really concerned with that? No, I was just... Paul's very... Don't be putting lipstick on, Eli. I'll put lipstick on, yeah? Exactly, you dickhead. I didn't... I just wanted to know. Oh, yeah.

Because I didn't know if the flavour profile of the scent of design for women or men, and I was a bit confused. As it seemed a little bit either or there. It's obsession. Subsession for men. Yeah, but it's the night one. It's even more spicy.

No, for Le Mour. Sexy night time. Le Mour. It's like obsession, electric blue. Right, Egerton. Two and a half miles. I think we've got to go that way. Getting the map out again.

Oh, no pavement around here. Yes, it is this way. Fuck's sake. We go up this Rose Farm Road. With no pavement again. pavement there's a very good chance one of us will be hit by a truck I can safely say I wish I'd learned to drive well I wish I'd got my full license proper is what I'm saying because then I wouldn't have to walk around bloody

gobble gook land would I it's a lovely cottage there is some lovely it has to be said although I'm tired and we've only really gotten going and we haven't really got anywhere I don't think you think this is end of part one of two episodes yet. It's beautiful. Well, I think we should both put on some obsession by night and down that Nogroni in those things and just get some magic going, you know. Get some of the old magic going, you know. Get some of that love, love action, you know. Get fucking, get out there, get loose, get in the mud. Yeah, yeah? You want to pack some shit with me. Is that what you're saying? Don't do that. Like Hawkeye, like Hawkeye used to say, let's pack shit.

Hey? No one gets that. All people who watch one. one channel on YouTube who watched that one particular episode that we both happen to watch may get the reference. Yeah, that's good, isn't it? But until then, out of context... I speak in universals, in generalities, in timeless truths. In that case, would you like to come to the depot at the candy factory and help me get a truck and then pack some fudge?

What about that? Anything misconstrued there? Hey? What about this? How about this? There's a hill over there. You see that hill over there? Very steep. How about we put some fucking roses down and do some uphill gardening together? How about that? How about that? You see that lamp post there? How about I just with my thumbs pull your bum cheeks apart and fuck up the ass? Christ.

Well, yeah, I got older. No, but your sort of humour, it's always like that. It's always been shit, yes. It's like when we did that mini-discuit. episode with my clips on. Same shit. Different age. Look at what's all this? There's a treehouse and a buddice head. It's cool, isn't it? It's lovely. Yeah, this is what happens when rich people get property. They fill it full of nonsense. A buddice is head. Pictures on Instagram. Pictures on our website.

For chiefsaw.com.com. UK, there will be a page dedicated to this. And next week's episode there. I really hope we get two episodes out of this. Because... Well, if you didn't drag behind... I'm taking pictures of stuff for us. For us. For both of us. Yeah? For the episode.

They're going to call the police on us. Two mad little men running around barking. Well, where's this fucking wood? Nowhere. Here to our left, but we just can't get into it because all the houses are in the way. We can't do this. We have to call it off. See, there's a road there.

We're going to go left again. We're not calling this off. It's already a three-hour conversation. All right. You know what's going to happen then? You have to come back to mine tomorrow. We have to record an episode that we have to pull out of our ass because you're going to America. So we can either eke this out

or you can come to mine tomorrow to make another fucking stupid episode. This is a bit behind the... What's that show that they always refer to? What show? Behind the beef curtains or whatever. Yeah, behind it when they say... Pull the curtains back.

No. See how the sausages made? No. Reveal the truth. There was one show and they always use it as shorthand to mean that we're talking shop, that we're talking shop.

How about we just say we're talking shop? I like to think Cheap Show is an open, creative book to those who listen. They want to know the ups and downs of putting out an award-winning comedy podcast. We're getting two behind the music. Oh, a wooden cottage. Old Rose House. There's roses as well around the entrance. Do you think you're on the TV show catchphrase?

I like it. Do you have in your head like an Irishman is going, say what you see? Because that's what it sounds like to me. I regret this episode now. Say what you see, yeah? A fucking old fat hack, can't.

That's strange. I don't see a mirror anywhere around here. I said you are. Oh, God. This is a bad episode. This is a bad walk-about episode. Jesus. I'm sorry if you listen to this.

Because it might be like if there's any good... Because it's like, this is part one. And part one is all set up, in it? And next week's going to be all the payoff. where we're in the spooky wood I don't know if we're going to get there today I hope so we've hit some kind of crossroads

down down do do do do do do do do do do do do Pluckily's still one mile away Charing is 40 Is it funny charing because then we started at Charing Cross

and now we're here at Charing Smarden The Pether's done Is this road called the Pinnock? The Pinnock, yeah. Oh, there's a sign for something there. And a big fucking truck. Kinnic Bridge.

I don't see no bridge. Right, I'm going to check this map again. Oh, where are they going? So basically we go up that way now and at some point there should be an entrance to the woods along this road. Allegedly. This isn't working out for me, this, is it, really?

I told you, we should have called it off then. Well, then we have no episodes. No, we need to just sit somewhere as soon as possible and do the rest of the episodes. What, in one plate and then get back on the train? Yeah, basically. Without doing any goat stuff, without doing any environmental investigation.

We're not even going to Pluckley Village, which is the haunted bit. I know. So you didn't think this out? I did. I just didn't think this would be so many boundaries. between the idea and then getting into the wood. Well, that's what it just becomes about.

A Beckett-esque ramble in futility. Hey, that's good. Hey, everyone, if you listen, this has all been a big Beckett type thing, and it will continue to be now. Just for the record, for the next episode and a half. This is a Beckett-themed podcast. We're on Pinick Bridge, and you're a Pillock.

Hey, everybody! Hey, here's a good one. We're on Pinnick Bridge, and you're fucking short-ass-cunton. Oh, Paul. Come on. Let's keep trucking. We'll see you if we find anything.

Right, I think we've finally found an entrance to Daring Wood. It's on the corner at this junction. You know what? That's not the entrance. Because that isn't a corner. That's here. We're there. That's what I said.

We're not there. No, I know. I said that. Because I said that's the junction. So what's this entrance saying? Well, that's the pathway I think. We're still not at the entrance. You said.

No, but we're at an entrance. right? You would agree with me on that that we're on a fucking entrance. I would agree with you on that, yes. Stop fighting me every step of this. Just go loose. Enjoy it, please. Oh my God. He actually cracked everybody. That was funny. Come on, I'm with you. I just, I'm going to take on some fluid and

I need some chocolate. I need some energy after that walk, man, I'm telling you. Okay? fine we can go in the tractor go to be a look what that man in the look as if to say rubby work later and take your inids out with my outwards how about it? I hate me I'm date this episode but there's another wood over there for sale woodlands for sale woodlands.co.uk if you want to buy a wood but there was some kind of big sign with a chainsaw buzzblade or whatever they call it on the fence and it was very off-putting next to a sign saying danger shooting

we'll shoot you or something. Should we do prices strike too here? No. I'll get into the woods a little bit first before we do that. So there's like a yellow trail. Follow the yellow route for a longer walk through Daring's ancient woodland, passing through areas of Hornbeam and Oak High Forest and crossing over the King George Star Junction.

Boundaries. No, boundaries, ditches and banks can be seen doing the public right-of-way route. There is a white route, but it's like tiny. It's like a 10 minute route. But at least we're in here now. And that's the main thing. Did you buy chocolate? Or was that chocolate you brought?

I brought it. Oh, fine. Must do you want to just put the whole fucking bar in your mouth? Like it's nothing. You really are like an old man now. I've seen you age over the course of this podcast from like fiery young upstart to old hag. dead inside man, are you? No.

Now you got so much chocolate on your teeth, it looks like someone's shat in your mouth. You've fucking got a shit grin. You've got a proper fucking shit mouth grin going on. Oh, look he like, oh, mommy, what did you see in the woods? I saw a man with a shit grin. An old haggard, dead inside, fucking macro tramp. Mmm.

Oh, that's better. Oh, yeah, good. That's nice. Good, no, I'm glad. Have some. I've got me nice coffee. I might have a bit of coffee. We're literally right at a gate.

There's a junction with a road sign and there's taxi. Taxi went past. But we're in the woods now. The thing is, I've lost track of how long this episode's gone on. And I don't know when to put in a, or see you next week. What's that? Pickle. I'll have a pickle. You will? Yeah. Oh mate, you surprise me sometimes.

These are fresh. Bha-! You're right, I'm surprised him sometimes. He's being a real weirdo. Are you going to eat these? Yeah, I'll have a pickle. Smell these. These are great. Yeah, that's a good pickle. I'll have one. It's firm.

Yeah. That's a good pickle, that. I also need a bit of energy, if I'm being honest. Yeah. Yeah. Mmm. Pickle in the woods, eh? How about that? Me and Eli, pickle in the woods. I'll just say this.

This week's episode will be split into two parts, but I don't know when, so at some point this episode will just end, and then next week we'll carry on as if nothing has happened. But wouldn't it be a good point now before we actually enter the wood to end the first episode?

Because I need to do at least one more price to shite with you? Yeah, but not right now because I've got pickle in my mouth. I can't do pickle and chocolate. mix. I could do both. Can you? Yeah. I've always been like that. Have you? Yeah, I think it's to do with my super taste of status. I can distinguish the flavours so they don't bother. The mixing doesn't bother me. I mean, whatever, but for me it's

like I want even this texture in my mouth and this flavour and I want to keep the vibes of that going. Or I want the other? I wouldn't they eat them both at literally the same time? I'm going to clear this. Right. This pickle. God, I enjoyed that pickle. Yeah, it's good pickle. Isn't that good? Yeah. A little head. bit on the top that you threw away there. That's the sign of a fresh, good pickle, that. Yeah, but I just don't want to hit the knuckle of the pickle, do I?

Whatever. Oh, okay, yeah, you throw it away, isn't it? Anyway, I've got a map, we're sorted. I've got some facts about this place as well, but you know what? Let's finally get into the fucking woods, go for a little bit of a walk, settle down, and then we'll do a price of shite, we'll do some reading of my notes. I did printouts. Okay, you'll go home?

And then, no, well, then we'll walk some more, and then episode, episode, walking back, and then it's two parts. I don't have to worry while you go away to America. It's the only reason why I thought I'd make an effort. Let's do a nice big walkabout episode, which I don't usually break up into many episodes, do I? Usually put me out in one go. I feel like you deserve it. And also, the reason why we're not using the lapel mic now is because I've just realized I brought the ones out and those ones aren't charged.

So we've only got this hand mic now. Sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah. And I've got extra batteries. So all I'm saying is, yes, it's not the best job I've ever done putting a podcast together. But you challenge me. You challenge me. You're a weird guy.

Yeah, I am a weird guy. I've always been weird. No one loves Paul. None of the cool kids at school liked hanging out with me. I just hang out with the weirdos, didn't I? Yeah. And even they look down on me. Paul Gannon, the mushroom beneath their feet in the garden of misery that is the whirle fucking shit.

and this I tried to get out. I tried to get out. I had to get out. I couldn't be there. I couldn't work in B&Q. I couldn't fucking go and work in the shop. No, I worked at Blockbuster in Morton Cross though. Oh, that's a fucking great show. No, it wasn't. Because the worst people in the world are the people who go to video shops to rent things horrible. Well, they don't. Good. So I escaped. And blah, blah, blah. I'm sitting in a fucking wood with Eli Silverman as he bitches about having to fucking walk for a bit as he fucking shovels pickle and chocolate down his stupid feted fucking pile. Good pickle.

Mmm. Polish. So now that we're in the wood, can we actually walk into the wood for a bit please? Yeah, okay. Just give me a safe. And then find a nice place to sit down so I can read you some nice notes and then I'll give you a price of shite. And then we'll have two more items and then we'll walk back here and we'll walk home and get the train. and part two will also include the train journey home as well.

It's a whole thing, Eli. You've put me in this spot. I don't know why you're in this mood. Because all you've done for the past two hours has complained about having to walk. It's horrible on the roads around here. Walking the roads is really nasty for all the traffic and lack of pavement and mud. It's just treacherous. I'm sorry. I like it.

You don't like you like it. I do. I like the danger. I like not being. on the hustle-bustle high streets of London where everyone's in your way. Let's just find so we can down one of those fucking gin and tonics. Yeah, I want a gin and tonic now.

Well, we're going to have... I think it's time that Paul gets suponasto drunk. Supo-nasto? Super-nasto? I like that. Suponaster, that could be like a late 90s house music act.

Yeah, I am super nasto. Supernesto techno record. video the other day about Hoover Techno. Have you heard of that? No. Is that using hoovers? No, there's a certain sound, woo-woo, that sort of started to dominate. It's from Ireland, originally, yeah. Called Hoover. Ooh. Really commercial, sort of... Right, anyway, look, we're going into the woods. We're going into the Daring Woods. As some people name it, the screaming woods, will we hear any screaming tonight? Well, Eli, just so you know, I have brought some ghost hunting equipment with us today.

to do some late night in the dark investigation, even though we won't be here late night because our train leaves at 8.30. It will be pitch black by then. It will be pitch black in about an hour or so, I think. I'm not trying to be cheeky. What? Did you bring batteries for the torch?

No. Do you know why? It is a charge cell torch, so I charged it last night with my USB and it has a little readout on the front which tells me the percentage. And as of this morning, it read 100% on the, torch. All right? I also brought battery banks for my phone. So if push comes to shove, I can use my phone torch, can I? So all together, Eli, we're covered because we're adults.

Adult men who know how to fucking exist in the world. All right. Let's go in the wood. This is literally going to be our worst episode of all time. Well good. Good. Right, we are now at the official beginning of the walk. We're the yellow train. begins it's called surrender and walk surrendon so surrender yeah he said surrender which is what someone says after they've beaten someone real bad at like arm wrestling yeah and then yeah and then they keep getting standing up yeah yeah yeah but surrender then yeah but I'm gonna move on follow the yellow roof surrender then don't

calm down calm down follow the yellow roof for a longer walk through Derring's ancient woodland. Passing through areas of Hornbeet. I've read this out already because it's on the printout. I tell you who's a real hornbeam. Like, do you want to fucking just calm down? Like, do you want to actually calm down? Yes, this wildlife.

Can I read you something that I found interesting? Yes. In the late 19th century, they're referring to Derring Woodwood, which we finally arrived at. Yeah. A systems of rides, a main carriageway with lodgehouses, that's a typo.

A system of rides, a main carriageway with lodgehouses at either end, and a drainage system was built. Right. As was the fashion at the time, many newly found exotic tree and shrub species, such as turkey oak and rhododendrum were planted. These are now being gradually removed to allow for native species to grow. Interesting. This ancient semi- A lot of that stuff, didn't they, the Victorians? Yeah, they were like, bring that stuff over here, we'll have it.

And then it was like, I see it's really bad for us. It's ruining everything. It's killing frogs. Ancient semi-natural woodlanders and nature lovers dream The site extends across almost 126 hectares or 310 acres

and forms part of a much larger complex of woodlands and farmland blah blah blah blah blah It faced risk of redevelopment in 97 So the Woodland Trust stepped in basically There's a place here called Edgerton And someone has crossed out the D after the E

Someone's got a fucking problem Maybe this is one another spelling mistake They farm this out to some fucking Y-boys in the city How do you spell Eddington? I don't fucking know Why would wide boys in the city be making this sign? Advertising company who don't understand stuff.

Fine. They get sent the... Sign makers. Yeah. Daring Wood has been continuously wooded since at least the early medieval period and mentioned a doomsday book. Oh, that's interesting.

Yeah. And it's got six entrances. We couldn't fucking find any of the fuckers. Because like we were down here, so this is the train station. So what are these red arrows? Entrance. We didn't see an entrance there, did you? We weren't there.

We can't have been there. Well, no, because that's the train track, so it must have been. Perhaps we could leave that way because that would be helpful, wouldn't it? Might be. Rather than going all the way around again. Well, we'll see, because we don't even know where dad is. Let's go. They're set off.

All right, we're going to set off. We've got one, yeah, let's find someone to sit down and do a price of shite. But right now, we're in the woods. Finally, it's only taking basically the whole episode to get here. Will it be worth it? That's for you to decide. No. We just make the fucking thing.

What's that? White dog poo. everybody. It's huge. It's haunted and there's a great big white dog egg. It's a great big one. It looks like a Great Dane or something. Yeah.

Like Bernie, Bernie and Snobitz. In all my days, I'd never thought I'd see white dog poo again in my lifetime. It's a big old white dog poo. It's probably because they feed all the dogs here like. Or the bone meal. Or the bone meal or the fucking pig slurry or whatever.

People can't seem to decide. Is that a person over there? Yeah. No, there was that guy in the car who was playing bum, bum, bum, music and then he got out the car and then he looked at us because he looked like a bit of a wide boy i don't know why i keep saying wide boy i don't know but maybe he's making a drug deal or something here and there's gangsters i don't know anyway it's the woods we're in the woods let's get going did it did it did it did it did it did it did you yeah kissing gate i think it's called

because it's not even that it's just a it's a holding hands gate at best yes that's why i said bring shoes and i did I brought appropriate shoes. You brought appropriate shoes? I'm going to go around. You go round. Good luck to him as he tries to get over this gate. I'm just going to go through it. Fuck him.

Fuck him. Actually, that's very muddy. Are you going around? Yeah, I'm going to go around. It's very muddy. Right, we've sat down in the woods. We've done a little bit of a walk. Eli's lost the cheap show book with all our memories in.

Might have fallen out of his bag. I don't know how he's done that, by the way. But there you go. You know what it might be? It might be by the style. You know, when you sat down, you got all your stuff out then. Yeah. They were the books there.

It is there. It might be there when we go back. We're going to have to go back. We're going to have to go back. We're going back up there, aren't we? At some point. I hope it's up there. Also, we've got to look for a pink wellie.

Because we bumped into some mummies who had kids with them. And they said, if you see a pink wellie of a baby, put it in the car park. A baby's pink wellie. The pink belly of a baby. So the second one time. So we recorded us saying that. And then we recorded us sitting down and Eli losing his book. and now I've handed in the next price of shite item the second.

So it is. Again, why are you doing this again? Why are you doing this again? I was thinking, oh, at least he didn't do it when we were recording. And now you've got, God, you're useless. Useless man. What are you looking for? You're a, this is pushing my patience to the absolute limit.

Oh, ah! He just fell backwards. Like a tubby Frank Spencer Right, tell me what the second item is Tell us what the item is Oh, let's get a drink on, fucking hell What's the item? Westmark QB

Dasch, yes, ice refru Is that what it says? Yeah, it's a ice crusher Yeah, metal, very nice, vintage packaging I mean that's like 60 or something, you know? Yeah Oh, it's all mankyy, I'm pretty,

not in my ice in that. No, it's a bit man key, but you put ice in. Two pits, two piece, but it are hinges, you can hear it. And you just, you crush it in there and then you open it. Open it into your drink. Oh, you're meant to take the top off, aren't you after that? I guess so. That's good. That's not sealed. Stupid, what a stupid load of shit. You know what I mean? Why do I want little fucking pellets of ice? I want a cube. You know what I mean? Yeah, but maybe some people like pellets of ice in their drink. You've got probably good cubes in this illustration. and then now I've made it into nasty irregular cuby I don't mind it's called cube it's a terrible

it's a terrible product yeah but it's also back in the day before you had like home like food purifiers and blenders and all these are hand whisks what's that got to do with it because basically you couldn't no because back in the day you couldn't chop your ice up could you it was a luxury to have an ice chipper yeah it's basically a handheld ice chipper very much like a juicer with two elements like scissor handles. Yeah.

How much do you think it is? By the ceiling, the roof was £10 and 50 pence. You've already said £2.50 for the first item, which was the past the pigs game. So Eli, what do you think the ice crusher is was? This could be the quid. This could be the quid's gambit. I'm going to say quid provisionally. we're going to get back to revisit this

so there you go let me get that back then write it down on your phone I do it once we stop recording because I'm holding it aren't I so how about that your bell end I've given up on this whole episode date and where's my drink

I've got a little bit of this left what you got a bit of your raspberry lemonade left save the little bit of left hmm hmm Yeah, that's nice. That's that.

Finished off. Right, what do you want to do? Do you want to open your fucking fishing cookie or whatever it's cool? Fishing cookie. Oh. I... You know what, Eli? I was going to say, let's do another little bit and wrap up, but this is all happening now.

I've decided it's all happening now so we can get to X week. So we start recording next week. So we start recording next week. You need to fucking... I'm tired now. I know, but we're in Woods. This is what I was trying to tell you. We should have backed out.

We should have backed out. You should have. You can back out whenever you want. We could have still got two... We'd still get two episodes if we'd just, you know, down by the farm shop, instead of this slog to exhaustion. You're exhausted, admit it, you're exhausted. This is one of the most haunted spooky woods in the UK.

I wanted to come here. I just did... Because it's one of the spooky woods. It's called screaming woods. The screaming woods. There will be. I haven't even seen no big babies wellies. Now,

I went to Portsmouth and I went to a Chinese restaurant in Portsmouth. It was called the Nice Tintin. Yeah? Right. Which is a reference to a cheap shot video we made where we looked at all of my lovely tins, everybody. Lovely. But there was one missing. It was a big, it was a cat tin, a tin depicting a cat.

He was called Mr. Crafty Bojangles. It was Mr. Cruddington smithery. Anyway, I got a fortune cookie from the Nice Tint Tintin. and we'll see what this what bearing it has we'll open it now see what bearing it has on I mean if it said that I'd be shocked but I did I am getting some weird coincidences because I was looking at all of my tats today and thinking what what other collection could I use to make a cheap shot video with you know I've done tins playing cards and I thought I've got quite a lot of skulls right and had that distinct thought and then on the way here

everybody. There was a skull, like a piece of Halloween decoration, I think it was. I was screaming skull. And I thought, oh. Anyway, also I was thinking, oh, confident. Someone has, I was thinking I'm fat, but at least I'm confident as I was walking to the station today. And then I saw some guy, he had like a coat on and it said confident on the coat. Is that just me, like incorporating that word because I'd seen it in my subconscious peripherally? peripherally. Who knows? That is the magic of the mind, isn't it? How the brain sees the world. Hey?

What? Oh yeah, do you open the cookie? Yeah, I'll have the other half. Yeah. Nice. Thank you. Right. What is the fortune? An admirer will soon contact you. I mean, that happens to most normal people every day anyway, doesn't it really? In some respect.

You know, your friends, your friends, Don't admire you, don't they? And they text you, go get some milk or whatever, you know. I mean, the odds are good that after some time, admire a... Someone who'll turn up in your life. Or has already been in your life and reached out again, say hello. It's a terrible, terrible fortune.

And not at all Chinese. No. Which I only really discovered recently. Not at all? No. It's just something that the Americans think Chinese people would have done at a meal, right? Or was it the Chinese people trying to ingratiate? themselves into the American culture by going,

I think it was an American Chinese or Sino-American, as they say, invention. How about this? Let's end this week's episode before we go and join us back here next week by just saying goodbye. Before we go and join us? My brain, mate. Just try to stop talking so fast. It's not about that. It's never about that.

What is it about? It's about trying to find interesting sentences to say. Well, don't. Well, I won't then. I won't say anything clever ever again I don't I mean there's a high likelihood of that anyway Pluckley is in the Guinness Book of Records

as it is reputed to be the most haunted in Britain it is reputed to have 12 possibly 13 or 14 ghosts Which is the village not the woods The Spectre of the Highway Man In Pinnock A Phantom Coaching Horses that has been seen in several locations The Ghost of a Gypsy Woman who drowned in the lake at Pinnock Oh Pinnock seems to be a bit of a hotspot

Yeah the Mill Hill the hanging body of a schoolmaster in Dickie Buses Lane Dickie Bus? Yeah. Sounds like an 80s TV entertainer. Come on, everybody, it's Dickie Bus. A colonel who hanged himself in Parkwood, a man smothered by a wall of clay, who drowned at the brickworks. We already heard about the clay guy.

Yeah, the lady of Rose Court, who is said to have poisoned herself in despair over a love triangle. The white lady, a young woman apparently buried inside seven coffins and an oak sarcophagus who haunts St. Nicholas's church. I have to look up that one And the Red Lady A member of the Daring family Who Worns the Churchyard at St Nicholas's Church

Would you like a gin and tonic? Maybe we should come back to Buckley I don't know Pluckley Pluckley Would you like a gin and tonic I would love a gin and tonic actually I really would

Should we put half a grony in it That would go really well Oh happy mate Do you know what I mean Put a nagroney in a gin and tonic It's all gin It's all you know I mean It's all in the same flavour

flavour universe Isn't it? Yeah. We're flying in the same flavour vehicle. Ice. I thought there'd be more on the streaming woods. There's nothing on it. Pluckley walks. Nestles, countryside, darling buds of May.

There are a number of spots around the village that have a distinct feel to them. What does that mean? And several of these haunted places are connected to the Daring family, lords of the manors until the 15th century to the World War of One. Civil War, blah, blah, blah. Sadly, house burnt down. Blah, blah, blah. Fuck the Dairings. Never mind.

Stones, directions. Thanks for joining us, everybody. We have directions. Maybe we'll come back to Pluckley for Halloween. Oh my God. I can actually go to the village because there's pubs. Well, that sounds a bit better, yes, but fucking hell. Fright Corner.

At the end of Pinnock, you arrive at the crossroads. Oh, Pinnock! Screaming Woods. It is an eerie experience to walk these muddy paths along skeletal trees, especially when it's getting dark. The journey is even made spooky by the knowledge that many alone wayfarer who have come this way have been scared witless by a sudden loud anguish scream.

It comes from deep within the woods and sends the birds flapping from the trees. That'll be good. I don't know if I like this episode. What do you mean? I don't know if I've suitably won myself over with this concept. You haven't, obviously. But we have to do it and you have to do two episodes.

So that's why I was saying thanks for listening everyone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thanks for listening everyone, because me and Eli are going to get drunk. So that means when you come back to us in seven days' time, it's now pissed up cheap show. We hope so. I hope so.

Let's get a buzz on. Right, so this is the anticlimactic first part of an episode. Everyone does it. It's not just us. Aren't we doing a prize of strike before the end of the episode? Yeah, we've done two. We're going to do two more next week. Oh, we did do two.

Yeah, we did two more next week. So let's just me and you, chill. It's getting a bit dark and spooky in the woods. They'll join us next week. Look, I've got ice. This is a good picnic apart from the whole. food thing, which we don't really have. We didn't bring enough food or any.

Did you hear a scream then? I did, well, I didn't hear a scream, but I heard like this high-pitched air. Yeah, so I heard it, yeah. I don't know if this would have caught at them. Maybe it's a sheep. It might have been a sheep. It had a sheepy sound, didn't it? Like that.

Like an angry sheep. Cut to someone on the other side of the woods. Did you hear that just there? Someone going, eh, eh. I can see how sound travels it as well. It has an eerie way of travelling around here, doesn't it? actually getting a bit of the willies. I'm getting a lot of the willies.

And on that note, we'll see you next week. No, really? Is that really it? That's really how we're going to end this week's episode. Cool. Cheer on, man. But what we're going to get ratted? Let's just say cheers at least on this. All right, let's end with the cheers. We're in the woods.

Hang on, hang on, I'm going to have to put a half a Nogronie in as well. So how much did you say a quid for the cube icebreaker, right? Yes, but I want to have a... Yes, I know, I know. I know, but I'm going to make a note when I record. Hopefully we've got to remember to find that book as well on the way back. Yes. As well as a baby's pink wellie.

Oh, it's become a... Hey, shall I get my Gio cacha out to see if there's anything nearby for a laugh? Well, that's what we're doing next week. Oh, next week's episode will be much better than this week's everyone. This week's for shit, wasn't it? Join us next week where hopefully everything's better.

Aw. Ah. See ya, say goodbye, Eli. Goodbye, Eli. Oh, goodbye, Eli. I'll see you next week. Bye-bye.