CheapShow - Ep 478: Journey To Screaming Wood (Stereo)

Episode Date: March 13, 2026

Stereo Version It’s finally time for CheapShow to escape the confines of their usual recording space and venture out into the big wide world once again. For their first major “walkabout” adventure of 2026, Paul wants to visit the UK’s “most haunted” wood, which is situated near the equally as haunted Pluckley village in Kent… But Eli and Paul aren’t going there, they are heading to “Dering Wood” to look for something, ANYTHING spooky. It’s also been called the “Screaming Wood” but will the only screams Paul hears be the angry, frustrated and howls of his pissed off co-host? Eli is not happy getting lost in a part of the UK he doesn’t know AND he is very not happy to do it on winding country lanes. Will the Cheap Chaps ever get to their destination? Will Eli be able to guess the price of the shite Paul has also brought along? This is Part One of one of CheapShow’s most calamitous of rambles! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-478-journey-to-screaming-wood www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Achoo. Archu? Achoo. I sneeze, acho. No. What the fuck? Was that? I'm not going with that intro.

Hello, everyone. Hello. You've caught us. I'm going to start again. I'm not happy with that either. Not happy with that either. Fine. Just do it.

Just be straight. Don't think of a joke. You can't start with a joke. Because there's no... I'll start with a fucking joke, mate. Here we go. Hello. He's such a dick.

Why don't you... Hello, it's a cheap show. It's another week. week we are out and are about and wow have we got an potentially epic hopefully two-part episode to cover eli going away to america for a fortnight episode of cheap show this week and with me as always is my good children friend and co-host of this podcast mr elizilverman hi everybody eli silverman here i'm pumped i'm amped i'm ready to spunk off in my trousers that's metaphorically and that's um that's how i'm feeling in my mind my mind dick is rock hard and it's called god

on gloopy. My mind is all flaccid and wimpy. Yes. And sad and drippy. It is. Well, here we are in Embankment Gardens and we're about to embark from Embankment Gardens to the town of. Pluckley. No, but the station isn't Pluckley, is it? Yes. Oh, it is. I thought you about to go to Ashton? No, Pluckley. Okay, we're going to Pluckley. And why are we going there, Paul? Because I, we, last year, our last walkabout was a spooky walk through the woods, right, in North London and I thought oh well

it's got this the last chance to do in another wintery walk because the clocks go back in a couple of weeks don't they

and it's beginning of spring to be fair it's feeling very spring like here in the Bankman Gardens the temperature's gone up we're both

overdressed slightly but you know what this is quite far out of London we're into Kent and it will be at least a degree and a half Celsius we don't so

now and Paul's now familiar with the Celsius everybody because it's appeared on his phone and it took me four years anyway we're here because we're right outside

Charing Cross Station and we're going to walk on right now aren't we to a board because the reason why we've picked Pluckley we've plucked Pluckley out of a hat but why Eli why do you think? Is it something to do with the supernatural Paul? Absolutely

because I went to a spooky wood last year the screaming woods or whatever no screaming mad old woman woods or something it was called Yes, we both went there. Fat cow woods or something? No, we found that on our walk, didn't we? We discovered that. Where was that? That was... That was up by Ryslip.

That's right. Ryslip Lido, and there's like, if you walk up for the woods, to me... The screaming lady woods, and I thought, you know what? Mad Mary. I don't know. Mad Cow woods. Oh, Mad Mary. Daffed, cunt, Mary. No, she wasn't, she wasn't daft? She was mad. Either way.

She was a... She was a boss lady. Wasn't she? She owned her. and she used to scare punches. Well, it's all a bit of their ability to actually even fucking existed. But anyway, with all that being said, Pluckley is renowned for being the most haunted village in the UK.

Wow. And we'll be going past that and heading towards Daring Woods, which is also colloquially named Screaming Woods. So today we'll be doing a bit of a picnic, a bit of a snacky woo, a bit of a price of shite as we roam around. Pluckley. Oh, I've the stairs way. This is the quick way though.

Is it? Yeah. I always find Charing Cross quite confusing in terms of how you access it, you know. It has many entrances and exits, like my sextal. It's sort of nested, sort of tucked in, on a bridge, hard to conceptualise, spatially. Yeah. But we have. We have. We've very much spatially conceptualised and here we are. Here we are. We're going in now. Oh, it's exciting. Now we need to find the right gate. There are no toilets. Platforms on train stations, Paul.

Platforms. Yes. And trains. Yes, that's right. Okay, good boy. Good boy. Yeah, where are we? Oh, it hasn't come on the gate yet.

So, anyway, we're at the station waiting for the platform. Is that what it, the platform? That's right. Hey, look, they've got the new British rail clock. Oh, it's a good clock. Do you like it? I like it. It's the little arrows.

The two arrows go round and then. They meet... When it gets to... Halfway. ...basid, basically. They meet and it looks like... The logo. It looks like the logo.

Maybe we should take a picture of it, so when people go to our website, the Cheapestownukes, they can look at the images of this, or our Instagram. Right. Which guy? Which guy? Oh, yeah, no, he does.

Oh, my God. I mean, that is a look. I mean, to each of their own, right? He really looks like Hitler, everyone. I'm not just saying it. Hips to Hitler. He looks like a hipster Hitler. Yeah.

What's happened to this world? I think you could rock that. I wouldn't rock that. Rock that look. Go on. What now? Chaplain tash. Wow.

Wow. Wow. I think he might just be a hipster. Because they often leave taste behind for the sake of looking weird and fashionable. Right. This is our intro to this week's episode. We've got 10 minutes till our train. Yeah.

And it hasn't appeared on the board yet. It hasn't. What's the destination? Oh, no. Hang on. There is. There is. There we go.

Wait. 36, Dartford. Is that the one? Yeah, because it goes to... Wait, do we have to change? Right, we're going to have to start the episode with the credits. I have, because it said Charing Cross from this thing, going here, 1236. I'm now going to have a little look.

So anyway, while we figure out what could potentially be our first fuck-up of the day, why don't you listen to the theme tune to this podcast, for it appears in the podcast at the right junction. And it is the junction now. Here we go back. How did Charicross to Pluckley? to part 1234. So, yeah, it's the Ramsgate one.

Right? Oh, I. Oh, I wasn't looking at the green. I wasn't even looking at the green. Eli sorted it out. He knows where a train leaves from, not a gate. On a weirder platform, you say. Right, we're off.

We'll see you a bit. It's like tiki talk. All right. This is the floor. That is your mouth. Here is my knife. Right, yeah. This is my mouth.

I'm glad you had to point that out, so I'd recognize it. Right, we're going. We're getting on the train. We're getting on the train. Here we go. We'll see you a bit. It looks to be a quiet,

quiet, empty train up here. That's how we like it, though, right? It's a very nice long one. Thank you, Eli, but what about the train? This is my knob. This is your mouth. I love this, Platform 6 at Charing Cross. And it's all postmodern, the architectural style.

So it's almost like referencing deco. See this with the lights? It's like a ballroom or something down here. You know what I mean? Art deco-esque. I love it. Can I just say, I actually love.

Any further, that unless you've got something to reveal, then that guy who's walking in front of us definitely farted at us. Yes, no, I had to walk through that. No, there was an egg. There was a big egg. And he went straight into the toilet, so he must have been biting down on something. Well, that kind of poo you don't bite down on.

You sort of just hold in, because it's a big gloshing, galloping, sloap. Gallagher slop. Anyway, I just walk, I love walking through another man's ass mist. Right at the end, and we've emerged into the day, light again. Oh, I. Excellent. Look at this. We're looking at what's that we're seeing. That's the other side. That's the what's over there? That's the Royal Festival Hall. That's right, yeah. Because the Millennium Eyes there.

And there's the bridge. Oh, you can see the eye as well everywhere. We're right in the centre here. And we're looking almost at Waterloo, aren't we over that way? I think that lady works on the... I think she drives the train. She's the train driver. I think she does. Excellent. What a great job. I want to be a train driver. be a train driver. You could train, retrain. No pun intended. You have to have a driver's license, a car driver's license to be able to drive a train? I'm sure you do, yeah. Really? I never really thought about it because it's not as if it's the same rules or regulations or whatnot. No, and perhaps technically you don't, but in terms of sort of practicalities, you have to be able to drive to where

your train is stationed. Do you know what I mean? It just make it, I would have thought, make it really impractical to do if you didn't drive yourself. I want to drive a chuff. I want to drive a chuff chuff train up and down. I need to drive a chuff, chuff train. No, you're a trucker. I see you more as a trucker. I don't, I don't like trucks. I don't like road vehicles. I know, but if I had to, I'd paint you as a trucker.

25-4-69-9-a, I'm heading on down the old convoy rate. Buda-breaker. Two-four breaker. Two-four going to ride my knob-knobtrain up your chuff-chuff-hole. Got a couple of dead prostitutes in the bay, dead prostit. Clicay box trucker. Tick!

Any more? No, that's it. Pissing bottles. at the side of the road. Let's drive on with no regard. No regard. Anyway, what time is it? We better get on the train. We're getting on. Oh, it's our first big day out episode of the...

I'm fucking no one here. Well, there's that guy there. Where? Right behind us. I'm going to go here. So this journey is about an hour on the train out to Pluckley. And I have all. also brought a fact sheets, Mr. Silverman,

because apparently there's like 15 ghosts in this village alone from outside ghosts to inside ghosts to like haunted chariots or whatever. Was this village the one that was featured in Usbourne's Unexplained as the Most Haunted Village? I think it was. Yeah. I think it was. Yeah.

That's exciting for me because not being a believer, being somewhat of a skeptic, I get to go somewhere that was featured. in a book I liked, basically. I should have brought that book now. I don't know why I didn't. Because I printed out a fact sheet with information and whatnot, and I thought, oh, haven't I done well? But actually, I should have brought that book,

because yeah, it had pertinent information. But honestly, mate, I've got facts of plenty here today. You're going to be absolutely bent over this table and fact right up from behind. Yes. You're going to be facked up the bunger. Is the penis train going up my chuff-chof-chof-hole? Yes

Slimy chuff chuff hole It is the slimyest of slimy chuff chuff holes Oh I have things to say but I've forgotten them all That's a name my autobiography I'd say but I forgot it all Question mark With a picture of you standing on a wooden fence Looking out of the right

Standing on a fence Yeah like on a style On a style you know like a wooden style on a fence Yeah looking out at the countryside Looking quizzical With a sunset suit me at all, Paul. Yeah, but it's an aspirational book.

It's all a load of bullshit. I aspire to be some kind of farmer. Yeah. Arse farmer. Yeah. I know you're going to say that. This is cool. This is going to be a great little trip down.

Where is Pluckley Kent? So it's south. Yeah. It's quite far out. Yeah. The countryside. Yeah, I know. I know.

I looked at the map and saw that for my own eyes. All I'm saying is that the journey itself ain't that long. It's about an hour and five minutes, something like that. It's not too bad. So we're just going to get settled anyway now. I don't believe these trains have toilets. No, no. Of course they fucking do, you idiot.

Look, because what? I heard the announcement. Look at that sign there. Oh, well, all right, that's fine. I just heard a thing on the way in saying, this train doesn't have a toilet. No, it would only be a train that, I think there's a time limit for journey.

they can't they can't they have to provide a toilet. Okay. Especially if it's an hour, there's a toilet, mate. There is. I mean, you're fine. We've established that. All I was worried about was the fact that the voice on the intercom said there might not, there's no toilet on this train. That's all I'm saying.

Did you just do it as soon as you heard that, did you do an internal sort of poo-poo check, sort of, you know what I mean? When you sort of tense it a bit, see how bad it is. It's like you test the muscle memory, don't we? No, you know what? I was kind of worried about that because the last few days I have been a bit more liquid than sodded lately and I was thinking I can't really be doing with that

if I'm out and about about. But luckily, when I got home from work at around about 5 a.m., texting dropping. I had a text button. I feel like I've emptied myself out so I'm not really pinching down on anything. Excellent. Anyway.

Yeah. Good. How about your movements? Are we going to... More frequent than they used to be. But I'm very regular. in the morning. That's good.

7 a.m. I'm turning into an old man. I wake up at 7. I don't, there's no, sometimes I'll go back to sleep. And I get really tired at about 10.30 at night as well. Like I want to go to bed.

Like I really do just want to go to bed then. Like days done. I don't. No, you still have that night out. I'm still a night owl. And I will be a night owl until I am dead, I think.

Possibly. But they do say today. There's two types of people or whatever, don't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excellent people who are cool, like me. Just pulling a name out of the air. And then, you know, degraded, horrible, hollow human beings. Who get up?

Just thinking of, who can I think of? Like you, maybe, yeah. You. You, look, we've sort of swapped. I'm less degenrecy is alleviating, and your degeneracy's going up. That isn't shit. That's coffee.

I'm like fine I wasn't going to say that because I wasn't sure when I left the house today I looked at my palm and it had brown smirkings on smirking I go I know oh Again a Peter genius Smarkings

That's like a smear and a mark Marking, it's smir on my palm And I thought Oh did my tissue break this morning When I was doing business But it turns out it was just when I was making the coffee Yes It's a couple of granules bedded in

That's right I could tell that was instant because ground coffee doesn't leave a stain like that. It's the soluble type that stains, steens leaked it, you know. So I just want people to know that I haven't got shit, Palm. You do not. I wouldn't accuse you that. I don't think of you as someone like that.

That's a problem. You can't sustain even, you know, a platonic relationship with someone for a number of years if often they smell and have poo on them. It's something that would come up. Unless they're into it. Some people are into it, aren't they? They loved the bouquet. The other was into it, unless we were both into it.

Oh, you want to be into it? I was talking about somewhere else in general. I'm just saying. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just saying if you're the type of person who gets shit on their hands all the time, I wouldn't be your friend. Aw, what a shame. Oh, there's old palmy.

Over there, there's old palm me coming in. Oh, stinky palm. And, of course, the first thing he does when he sees you. All right, mate, put your hand out. I'm a hug, mate. I'm a hug. But then you get it on your shoulder. Yeah, you get it on the back of your head.

Oh, dirty old shit, Palmer. Robert Palmer. Oh, he gave me the old Robert Palmer last night. I had a great pun or something. When I was falling asleep last night, it's not going to come back, is it? You never know. I couldn't. No, it was one of those ones.

Where I was like, that's brilliant. I should write that down or something. Hang on, am I asleep already? I am already asleep. So that's, you know what I mean? It's weird how I can remember having an insight. but I can't remember what it is, you know. Anyway, look, we could rattle on all day, and we are going to.

But right now, how long, what time is it, do you make it? 32. So we're going to leave in a couple of minutes. 34 it was, wasn't it? Yeah, so a couple of minutes, well remembered. And our journey to Pluckley and the Screaming Woods is on its way. We have a lovely view going down through South London, with the sun poking through the hazy clouds.

It's actually a nice day. The weather when I first got the tickets said it was going to be radiant cloudy, but actually it's all right, in it? Lovely. The fact it looks like the sun is going to come out. The hour leading up to sunset. So it might be a really lovely up in the woods there. Oh.

I was hoping it'd be a little bit gloomy and spooky. But it's still might when we get there, because we're going to be there when it gets dark. So we'll get to investigate the woods in the dark, Eli. Sunset today at 554. 5.54, yeah, because I don't think I'll train back until it's like 830. I think our train from Plugley.

Yeah. Right, look. Oh, we'll get back to you once the train's on the, getting on the tracks, rolling on down the tracks. All right, see you a bit. Bye-bye. That wasn't a ghost, by the way. That was the sound of Eli Silverman yawning. We are just a few more stops now away from our destination.

The train journey has been lovely. Lovely, and the sun's come out. And I just had a little Lipo V-Tan, which is an energy drink from Japan, everyone. I got this on discount because it's about past its best before. For only 30p, usually to go north of two quid. However, it seems to make me really sleepy. No, it's train vibes and then sun coming in through window.

Equals, cozy, nice, sleepy time. I really have an intense sleepiness around the eyes, you know? Oh, I can feel it pulsing there. So Eli's wearing new shades or something. What are they? Because they look weird. Protective eyeglasses. Like for shooters or something? Cycling.

Cycling. Because it looks like the kind of thing, like, you know, a rifle, marksman, good wear. They're got one. Essentially protective goggles, but for cycling. They make you look like Dennis Raider. I'll say that. Dennis Raider? Yeah. Who's that? Serial killer. Okay.

Look him up. I can go with that. You look like him. I wouldn't go. I wouldn't say that. Okay. I got these charity shop. Yeah.

Very cheap. And they're brand new. So they're rock. Rock bros. Rock bros is the brand. And I like technical glasses, so there you go. It's just, you know, it's a strange visual choice, I think, because it makes it look like you're about to shoot up a train. So I'm just gonna put that out.

Is that what Dennis Raider did? No, he was just a nice old-fashioned serial killer. Did he use guns? I can't remember what he did now. They're all dirty bastards. He all did something horrible. Probably chop people up. I'd have to look it up. There's so many of them. Oh, they're almost running out of fashion.

Anyway, we're heading in now, and London has fallen away. The villages, and their little satellite towns have dropped away, and now we're getting right into the guts of the countryside. Kent. All right, mate. You don't have to say that. Just trying to explain to people where we are. The oldies are the goodies, aren't they? Dennis Raider? No.

Oh, what are you looking up there? I don't know. Oh, well, I thought you were about to say something. He had your phone out. He went, uh, and then I thought it was going to be followed up by salient facts. So sleepy. Sleepy. Bye-bye.

Sleepy bye-bye time. Anyway, what else happened now? A bit of coffee is fine. Honestly, this has been a journey without incident so far. Just been nice and cozy. Lovely. Honestly, lovely. But anyway, we're getting off in a minute, so we'll come back once we get off this train.

I think we're coming in now, I think. Yes, we are. We've just been through head. corn, spunk corn. Wow. Wow. You know what a head corn made me think of? That story I heard, no, it made me think of that story I heard about, maybe a apocryphal, but about someone having anal, unprotected anal with their girlfriend and then

having some kind of inflamed knob and then... They were joined? No, they had a, like, the little bit inside a corn on the car. Cobb. Right, I'm moving off. That's fine. Yeah, good. It was infected at the base of their peepee and all... Do you think people want to hear that? The bus was coming out there, wee hole. Right, good. Do you think...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah. Shut up. What are you... Yeah, we're pulling into the station now. There's nowhere, by the way. I'm getting antsy. I'm getting anxiety because I'm... There's no button.

There is, is here. I can't... I'm doing it. I've done it. Yeah. No, that's it. Here we are. Say again? One other person got off.

Yeah, no, let me just check where all my gubbins are. Because I also want to take a picture of this platform as well, because this is one of those platforms that you expect the Harry Potter train to stop at, in it? It's like that kind of old British out in the middle of nowhere, railway station. How's that look? There's some wasteland just by the side of the station. It looks like to be an old car park that's all overgrown. My guts have suddenly started playing up.

I don't know what's wrong. I've got like a curdling in my belly bolt. You need to go to the loo? No, I just think I need to do a really cracking big fart and then I'll be fine. Well, I'm going to go off up there. I've already done a few on the train, if I'm being honest. Well, I didn't pick up on that. Good. I fired away from... I don't know what, I'm supposed to take a picture of the platform before we go. Because look at it. It's kind of old-fashioned like the olden days. So here we are, Pluckley, Pluckley Station. Very quiet. Very quiet.

Incredibly dead. Only one other person got off the train. Stop, why is everything about your guts? They can't hear it. The microphone's too far away. It won't pick anything up. The only way they'll know is if you dob me in. Oh, look, it's a little ticket office.

Waiting room. But there's like a nice leather couch and a little kind of fireplace. I don't think you're allowed in here. Yeah, it's a waiting room. Yeah, but it looks like it's a waiting room for posh people. It says way out when the ticket office is closed. way out it's a...

No, it's... All right, fine, but either way. The toilets are there. Well, we can't get in there either. It's available from station staff. Well, we're not going there, are we? Do you need to go? No, yes.

So look, where we are on the map. So we've travelled out here somewhere. Seven oaks. Ramsgate, Margate. So we are somewhere here. Can you see it? Yeah, I'll find it at home. Oh, oh, no.

I've got bad tummy all of a sudden. You do have bad tummy. really come on quite bad, bad style. I can't fucking find it. It's here, Canterbury East Chartum. Chartum. Chartum? Why west?

Pluckley. There we are. We're here right now. There's here. Pluckley. There we go. Yeah, you take a little picture of that. Because that's where we are.

So very much south, east of London, towards Ashley. Towards Dover, really, when you think about it in Hastings. It's that neck of the woods, isn't it? Yeah, right out there. Right out there. It's the furthest we, but, It's not the first we've been out for an episode. We went to fucking LA, you idiot.

Oh, that was a proper verbal. Oh. Right, stop, guys. Where is it again, I'm? Pluckley, next to head corn. Remember? Yes. The shit up the urethra.

Gag. Gag. That's a real classic story that. Bring that out. Oh, I know, Sam. I've got a little piece of sweet corn stuck down their knob. What happened to their knob? Did they get 30 and drop off?

Oh, got a swob. right now should we leave here or do we go over the footbridge well there are no regular bus services serving pluckley railway station has no taxi rank or cab office so advanced booking is important so it just means we need to do a bit of walking we need to basically go this way eli he says because we're not going to the village we're not going anywhere near the village the woods is over here so we're going to go along chambers green road or so i don't know shops there's nothing i thought they're so hope they're so i hope you're I could get a Red Bull. You just had an atomic rat or whatever it was? It's not an... Lipo-V-Tan. Atomic rat. Where do you get that from?

That sounds like a 2000 AD cartoon. Yeah, it is. No, it isn't. It was Strontium dog. Atomic rat? No. Look, a little spider. It's only got six legs.

Oh no, there I steer the other two. He was hiding them. Anyway, there's a little spider. I don't know what to do next. So that's 10 minutes. So judging by that, we're probably out of a 20-minute walk away from actually

thing. But we should go get into the village just to get some provisions, maybe. Well, no, because we're going to have to go half an hour out to get to the village and then come half an hour back in. Well, no, there must be a shop just here, just there. Just around here somewhere.

I bet you there isn't. Can we just have a little two-minute look over there? Eli's going to be disappointed, I reckon. So there's the station, that's the road. So station road. Oh, dear. I don't know why he's going that way I think we've got to go over that big bridge

because we're in a car park right now we're going to be spending the majority we're not going near Pluckley there's a few reasons why we're not going to Pluckley one is it's too far out in terms of the village and the second thing is apparently the people who live around here fucking hate people who come here looking for ghosts

really I bet you can understand that to a certain extent can you? Because around the I might be wrong I need to check this Right. No, let's say it, and we'll see. Oh, no, because I always ended up having to edit stuff out, but I think, like, Pluckley was near where... Uh...

That haunted house, that's just literally popped out of my fucking head. Ballie rectory. Hawley. Bawley. But maybe I'm wrong, actually. I'm feeling quite bawly. Hang on. Where was Bawley rectory?

There's Bawley at Essex. Well, that's not here. No, so it's not anywhere. here anyway. At least we're fact-checking live. But here we are. And it's very quiet. It's extremely quiet. I haven't seen another living soul since we left the station.

Apart from the man on the bridge clearing up the trash. Yeah. Part of the man on the bridge clearing up the rubbish. Trash. You keep, you're like, where's the gate in the train station? Hey, buddy, how can I settle my bill?

They don't say that. They say the check. You got that wrong You got that wrong There's a footpath that way And there's a Footpath that way But I think we need to go We need to take one of those

Probably Yeah maybe Don't we Probably that one going that way Because at some point Green Sand Way is that way Yeah And the footpath is there

I bet that goes towards the woods But we need to check No no Because the woods are over in this direction over that way Well let's just Can we just have a look Around the corner

Yes What is this place Is this little hotel Or is this a Yeah it looks like a pub hotel thing House rules No dog. No children in less under 12 years.

No, it's a pub. No children are under 12, not unless under 12 years. No children that's their 12 years old. This is the daring arms free house. But I don't know if it doesn't look like a pub. Look at that old sign. That is like a, it's a folk horror sign, isn't it? Yeah.

See, it might be a pub because there's a no dog sign and everything. But I also get the impression that this is one of those places that don't like those people come around here. No, no, no. Oh no, no, exactly there are no shops. So we need to go this way if we're going to go to... Do we want to walk along this station ride? Well, we have to? There's no pavement, though, is there?

So... Oh, look, green sand way, there's been signposted. So that must be like an official trail, as they say. You know, like the capital ring. Because, look, it's been signposted. But I don't know. Let me see if it all... Let's see what green sand way takes us to.

green sand way is a 108 mile so the green sand way is a 108 mile long distance walking route in southeast London sorry in southeast England running between holmesia and surrey and ham street in kent and kenths follows the ridge of greens and rock scenic trails through the surrey hills and kent down's area but i don't know if this will take us past i don't know if this will take us past the woods because I honestly think this is not this path is not going to take us by the woods okay should we go back up over the station

then is that what you're saying? Well we need to go across that road we need to go up and over the bridge well but it's unsafe because there's no pavement let's go back of the station and cross the bridge there you see what I mean that's a thought yeah if indeed we can do that I'm sure we can well I'm thinking that it might be like the other platform is just where the other platform is and the bridge just takes

there, there's actually no other exit. Have a little look. On Google Maps, yeah? Yeah, because I'm... Yeah, so that's where we are right now, right? And we need to go over here. So this... Walking, 40-minute walk.

So, okay, actually, yeah, no, we do, I was right. We have to go back that over the bridge. Over this bridge here? Yeah, because look, see if I point this way, we're going that way, so we're going up, and then we're going to go across and over and down. And then we get there, so it's about a 40-minute walk, mate. Seven-minute drive.

Yeah, well, guess what option we don't have there? I've got 48 minute walk on Google me. That's because you've got shorter legs, so it's probably factoring in that time, isn't it? It's probably like factoring in short-arse time. How are you like, it's going to take a poor half an hour, but it'll take you 55 minutes. Shut up.

Because you're little, little potty legs. We also need to remember, mate, we need to get back here for the right time. So we can't afford to doodle. We can't be too far out. Otherwise, we get fucked. What times are I'd train? 8, 20, 8.

We're going to be stuck here with no food and drink for fucking eight hours. I mean, I've got drink, food. You got food? Yeah, I bought stuff. Anyway, hang on. Also, in the voice message I left to you the other day, I was like, oh, Eli, I'm going to grab this, this, this and this, right? I've got hot water. You're in charge of snacks and drinks, and so all you've brought is hot water.

And two gin and tonic cans. You see how that might be a problem. And a pocket nougaroni. and, and, uh, some gherkins. Right, so nothing that's... I've got some sauce, I've got hot sauce. So nothing of any value? I didn't know it'd be this fucking bad in terms of no shops.

Who are these people out here? Villagers living a quiet sedate life, away from the hustle and the bustle of a major city or town. I need water though. Well, we'll just drink hot water. Just drink it. Is this what I do you... Nah.

Look, he's going to try to manufacture some conflict. No, I'm not. I'm just saying your planning is traditionally fucking awful. You never prepare, ever. You just go rock up. Right, a fact. I did prepare. I've got loads of stuff.

I've got the picnic blanket. I've got the hot water. Yeah, but you bought a picnic blanket, but no picnic. I thought there'd be a shop. I thought there'd be a shop. There's nothing else. out of here it's just a wood 40 minutes away we're going to die out here honestly mate I think that just takes to the other platform I don't think we need to I don't

think we need to investigate this anymore no no because I think it's just the other platform in it let's have a little look see what I mean see it's just going to take us to the to that platform which is the only way of hack is here so we need to go over that bridge just for yeah we can walk out there We can walk out there. That just takes us to this side. That's a new car park, wasteland. We can't get out that way.

I'm just having a little look now. But honestly, it just looks like that guy's park there. But I don't think there's an access in. I mean, there is a... No, we can't, because we can't get out through that gate. So, no, we've got to go and take the bridge. So desolate. Mate, I told you, we're going somewhere desolate today.

But there's no shops. I'm starving. I'm thirsty. I'm going to die dehydration. Well, we don't know that. something on the other side of the bridge, all right? So how about you put your knickers back on? Take some shots.

It's beautiful day. It is actually a beautiful day. It's lovely. It's lovely day. Sunny. Now, as ever, we have got the 360 camera and we will be doing little bits, but this will not be an extensive 360 video.

So, uh, we're just going to film little bits. I feel like you're talking in my head because it's so quiet. It's still as fuck, man. Look down there. There's nothing down there. No, I know.

I know. It's called not being in London. There's loads of things. things like this across the UK. Look at that shed over there. There's a couple of dead people in it. It has that vibe. It has a real horror vibe.

Shall we start making steps then? Because we've been here. Making steps? Yeah, we've been here 50 minutes. Start making steps. Yes, start making steps. That's a perfectly normal thing that people say. Of course it is.

Yeah, let's start making steps. Before I fucking crush you into some smarking on the road, smacking. Okay, you're right, though. We're going to, we're going to put this away for a bit. bathtub. Go sit, stand by that. You really are like the dogging up, aren't you?

Christ. If you just say things you see. Yeah. Squirrel. It's that kind of thing. Here I am. Is that chives? It looks like there's some chives in the bathtub.

Taste those chives. No. Taste chives. Catch pollen, rye. What does it say? Kent. They made that bathtub. Yeah, so it's a kent bathtub.

Right, mate. The noise in the bath? Oh. It would twang if it wasn't filled with soil. Hey, taste those chives. Let's just, can we just agree now that it's time to just sit up, put our best foot forward? Shall we do that if nothing else? Still making steps, man.

Yeah, let's put our best foot forward. Right. No way through. No, like Pierre Ginn's, we've got to go around and about, all right? Careful because there's no pavement on that. Mate, I am abundantly aware of that. A single file, yeah. All right.

Anyway, yes, there will be an accompanying 360 video. but not be an extensive one just a little kind of video diary kind of fun as we do it kind of thing all right so calm down right let's get over this bridge and then we'll figure out where we're going next right so even though we're going to the woods pluckley is like a mile and a quarter that way so if you're interested pluckley a historic kent village often sighted is that the church we can see there yeah up that way mist you see the church spire coming up from the mist of pluckley i'll take a shot of that. Take a shot of that.

Is that pluckly there? It must be, right? It took that way, yeah, about a mile and a bit away. That looks like perfect. That must be pluckly, right? So that's really haunted church. It looks incredibly sort of gothic. Well, we'll go into all the ghost's locations later.

But apparently it's England's most haunted village. It holds the 1989 Guinness World Record for its reported 12 or 14 ghosts, including a phantom coach, a highway man, and a red,

and I'm telling them. I'm telling them. them because they're more important to me than you. That guy was coming right up here. No fucking slowing down for pedestrians. Well they probably never seen one up here. No. No, that's the right accent for this part of the world.

That's the Captain Curis's accent. Oh shit. Anyway, look, it's a haunted village. Right. And the Guinness World Record Book in 1989 awarded it Most Haunted Village, which you know what? what? I got fucks me off because like with most world records there's some kind of imperial

measurement of success but ghosts don't exist. So how can you possibly get another ghost? Yeah. I could just go oh my street's got 20 ghosts on. Oh now I've got the Guinness Book of World Record. Anyway there is a also the Guinness organization are fucking evil cunts and they're not just that they don't give a lot of fuck they actively cunt. They're actively cunts yeah you have to pay for yeah so some can't paid for it basically didn't they yeah just because they wanted to attract the town of plutliol all got together and went here's a couple of bob guinness put us in your book yeah yeah why not and if anyone said they got more ghosts you fucking fuck off they have a phantom coach a highway man and a red lady also is the filming

location for the tv series darling buds of may and features picturesque oast houses a 14th century church and the daring widows the screaming woods though is where we're going do not know just just daring widows with windows windows with windows with windows windows see me by the body heat steaming windows uh the screaming woods is where we're going to or more famously daring woods it's famous for a reports of... Daring. Daring woods. It's daring. But it's only one R.

Daring woods. Daring woods. I would say it's probably daring. You might be right, but there's only one R. Anyway, it's reportedly famous for blood curdling screams, Eli. I'd love to hear that. If you don't lube up, because if you don't lube up tonight, Gannon's going to be making a parallel. Is that really it?

Gannon's going to make some phallic normal, uh, uh, uh, uh, what's paranormal? Oh fuck. Fuck my brain. Fuck you brain. I've looked after you. Dangle normal, dangle normal activity. A dangle homosexual activity. Oh fuck it. Regrette. Look, are those daffodils? They're coming out. It's very spring like today. Spring is coming a little bit early, even though it's been a really wet winter, aren't it? Well, the wet probably helps with the flowers, doesn't it? It's the cold that kills the flowers.

Anyway, the Daring family was a big name around Pluckley back in the day. I'm sure, because they're everywhere. Well, this is, it was because the thing is with, with, like, villages like this, is that they were quite important for kind of big families to establish properties and their legacy as a rich family. Yeah. You know, because you're making your money through city work, you know, whether that's like slavery or corn or you run the dog.

or you build ships, but then when you make your money, you come out of London and you build a big mansion somewhere in a town like this. But as a result, like for instance, the Archibishop of Canterby once owned all of Pluckley. I did that? Yeah. And it became, it's just one of these little villages that you see a lot of where they become really important to those families who are becoming, you know, like Nouveau-Reach. Like the royal families, the royalty of the UK was breaking up So more people were making their money and becoming lords and ladies by self-proclaiming that they were, right?

And building a big fucking house and saying, look, look who we know and how much money we've got. But then obviously as the years go on and you roll into the 1900s, all those families start losing their money, whatever, lots of Nerdawell stories who fritted their cash away from previous generations, hard work. And then you get haunted houses, effectively,

out the back of that. Right, so that's sort of the process. And then a cynical person might say, and then you get the haunted houses because these families no longer have the generational wealth. They're down on their luck so they need something to attract people to put it back on the map to make money.

You know, it's what I'm getting at. The hauntings arise because people want to make money. And people would argue, oh, that's a new thing, really, with the birth of Most Haunted and those kind of shows and paranormal tourists. But no, it was going back to like the 1920s, 1930s, early late 1800s, where you've got basically these... Scam artists?

Well, you've got people who have... would inherit these houses or marry into these houses that were once beautiful but now run down shit out of date and so they would have to make their own kind of entertainment and part of that was the rising job of spiritualism yeah so you marry that with your house you add legacy you add history you add a story to it it's all part of like the identity of like preserving your wealth and identity yes and so would you say that the the rise of spiritualism in the late 1800s really was the real forefather two things like Most Haunted and the ghost hunting sort of content we get online now.

I mean, ish, effectively, yeah, because spiritualism and things of that ilk always blossom after financial disasters in the country or war. First World War must have been a big thing then. Or the Boer War. There's also another one, you know, where we're sending hundreds of young people out to die. That's where the Brits invented concentration camps, isn't it?

Is it? Yeah. Well, I'm glad we invented something of worth. So anyway, a village like Pluckley, to reduce it down to the basics, it's prime for ghost stories because of its association with like landowning and building houses and, you know, village history and legacy and characters. I just don't know why, out of all the places in the UK, Pluckley was plucked out of the areas being the most haunted.

It just seems like a bit random. Well, we won't see. But perhaps it's got that look, you know. Oh, mate, we've got coal, charcoal, gas logs, kind of. Maybe this is a place here where you can buy a thing. No, you can only buy types of fuel to burn and no red bull to fuel me. I thought it might have been a little, you know, like a garden centre with like... Is there a shop? No.

They sell colour gas. Yeah. Do you think you could squirt that down my throat and it would keep me going? Wow. No, I think it would kill you. and I'd have to carry you and this bag of shit with me. And my bag of shit.

I'd leave my bag of shit, wouldn't you? Yeah, I would. I'd leave it. To be honest, I'd leave you in a ditch. Everyone just think it was a natural end to an obvious end to your life. A natural and obvious end to my life. How nice of you?

Of course, Eli was going to be found in a ditch. It was written in the stars. Anyway, we went the wrong way at the start anyway, so now we had to backtrack. So here we are. We're backtracking and we're still... What do you say we went the wrong way? Just take a little bit.

blame. See, we're... I need a piss. We're 29 minutes away. We can't even cut across the field. If you could cut across that way, it could take 10 minutes off, but it's all, you know, but it's private land and shit. This isn't, no, there's no footpath. Oh, look, there's a footpath. Do you think that's going to go the right way? No. If anything. Can I just go in there and piss, though? I mean, you could, mate, you can potentially piss anywhere you're like. I'm just going to pop in there, though. All right, well, then go ahead and do that. The odds are good that no one will see you, apart from the people live in that. house with open windows who might be staring at you right now that's the only thing i can think of

also that path looks again blocked off it does and that's a kind of stye type of stye it feels like it's like here's all these footpaths good fucking look being allowed to use well that's a big issue in britain at the moment isn't there right to ramble and all of that yeah yeah yeah anyway just want to look at this thing oh there could be cows careful of cows there's a cow sign in southern England, you'll find the Pictress village of Pluckley. Even the town itself is pretty meaningless. It's a bit harsh. It is much loved by tourists, especially by ghost hunters.

Pluckley has a high ghost density of at least 12. Yeah, we've read all this. What about the woods? People who have seen ghosts in the village as well as in the woods. The woods are originally called Daring Woods. Daring, Daring, Daring Woods. Named after the village's most important residence, the Daring family. the Daring family, interestingly, spelt with two oz.

Oh, the family had two oz? Yeah, but the wood has one. Weird. I knew I thought it saw the... Continent economy, isn't it? No. Consonant economy. Don't need the extra R, do you?

Okay, you don't. Anyway, throughout the years, the woods have been called the screaming woods, for the people of Pluckley would hear screams coming from the woods at night. They claim it from people who got lost there through the woods. lost there through the centuries. A long time ago, a man who dug clay pits for the brick factory got buried under a large pile of clay. He was buried alive in his own freshly dug pit, and apparently it could be his blood-curdling screams that you hear to this day. The woods are also the stage of a brutal murder of a robber. He was probably killed by other

criminals while fleeing into the woods on his horse. When he saw a hollow tree trunk, he hid there, hoping his horse would return home, as horses normally do. But his horse stayed there and revealed him to his attackers. That's proper Tudor. Anyway, they saw he was hiding. And then one of the Anacres. Where's Eli to laugh at that? Eli, you missed that.

I was meant to say attackers, but the word actually came out as Anacres. There you go, got Gil. Anyway, the man was stabbed in the woods And his spirit is seen there And then another woman was the mistress of some daring men She might have been fed up with the love triangle And drank poison And then went into the woods to die

The red lady has still seen wandering around What's this? Churches and cemeteries are known to attract spirits The Church of St Nicholas has a few The Who would be going anywhere near there unfortunately But I've got some more printouts and stuff so you know we'll reveal more about the ghosts of Pluckley later as well as our price of shite once we get to the fucking woods Christ my time we get there

we're gonna have to turn back I didn't expect it to be hot today I've got four layers on I'm fucking sweating my tits off I knew that would happen just have to say I knew that well done you we're gonna attend to the thing went in my throat Oh, I've pooed. You pooed? Have I? Oh no, it's just a fabric of my boxes. I thought I'd pooed, but...

Anyway, God. Going well, everyone. We go to the end of this street, and we turn left, and then go down that way a bit. There's an oast house. Oh, is that one what they look like? That's an oast house.

What do you do? They put oats in? I guess. Why didn't they spell it properly, me? I don't know. Are we looking at an oest house? Why has it got a weird,

wonky steeple? I don't know. Cool, huh? It is cool. I look like a... Cool looking Oest House. On the Oest House. Alan Partridge.

Was he in a converted Oest House? Yeah. That's where he made it. That's where he makes his podcast from. Yeah. From the Oest House. Right. Okay, we're off.

Will we find a shop? Will we get to the woods within the hour? Otherwise, we'll probably have to leave around 6.30 To make sure we get here for the train home. Anyway, we'll figure it out. We're off on a spooky walk and when we get settled

I'll bring out the first price of shite eye to me how about that? Okay, cool all right, cool and we might go to lapel mics as well when we get to the woods and do it that way from there

this point on. I like lapel mics Mike's such a great guy and with the lapels are just so entertaining you go there you go hello I'll have this the usual

and there go and then come and Mike comes out and he's got huge lapels and that's why they call it lapel mics because he's known as lapel Mike because it's just like, wow,

big lapel. I mean, he's got massive massive lapels. Stop this. Lapels, lapels, lapels, lapels. Oh, the bells. I'm fucking knackered as far. I know we're knackered and we've fucking just walked

up the road a bit. I've got a big bag on, a fucking heavy, thick coat thinking it's going to piss down to me cold today. And now I've... There's some civilization. There's literally not... They'll pluckley farm shop there.

It's not shut, it's open. It's not open. We have antiques there as well, but that ain't going to work for us. Right. Take a left here, you think? I think for the next half an hour or so, we're just going to be dodging cars on a main road as we fucking try and get out of here.

It's going to be good walking back in the dark, isn't it? Well, I've got a big torch. Well. So I'm not too bothered about that. I bought a new torch and it's fucking boss. Yeah, it's top boss. High lumens? Mate, the Pluckley Farm Shop is open.

Is it? came out and she's in her car now she's looking at us because she don't they don't like oh so do you think they have drinks in there maybe oh let's let's check pop in right we's going to go the shop and i'm going to get off the road all right perfect time for a little break right okay paul yeah what's the state of play i need you to i need you to adult now because i'm feeling a little bit child so i'd like you to do a little bit of what you'd I deserve from you, okay, and daddy it up. And tell me what's going on.

Because we're by a quarry. It's fucking getting cold. It's getting dark. I'm getting massive evil dead vibes from the trees. And I'm not into this. That's what I'm saying. I'm tired. I've had something to smoke.

And now I feel all freaked out and I'm having a weight. And if you think about it, life just is pain, isn't it? All right. Life is suffering. Son, let daddy protect you. Yes. Daddy will protect you because Daddy's got a plan. What's the plan, man?

Have you looked at the... We are. I mean, we're literally facing the woods, but from where we are, we can't get to them. There's a path up there, which might potentially take us to the woods. If not, we've got to go back the way we came and go round. Let's try that way then.

Because that's potentially closer, isn't it? Hopefully. But judging by the map, it could be this private property, but maybe there's a gate between the houses that take us up there. Can I just say, I'm sorry I spent so much of your actual money on this massive? bottle of apple juice. Yeah, Eli went to the farm shop

and paid like 20 pounds for some glass of fucking. It's 420. What's it called? 420. 420, yo. Yeah, 420. What's it cool? Forskin. Oh no, Duskin. I thought it said Forskin. You think everything says Forskin.

Duskin, single variety, English apple juice. This is the good stuff. Cox. Me? Yeah, cox. Cocks. Apples. Cox apples. No, I thought, why weren't the quarry? Pluckly Quarry.

danger deep water safety helmets and high visibility clothing must be worn beyond this point do you see there's a bit of tape over the bottom of the sign and you know what it's covering in a case of an emergency please call and they used to be a number but now there's no number they've redacted it with a big piece of tape so if you go in there and you have an accent you are fucked but also ccTV cameras so they can laugh at you while you die but before we got going i thought why not since we're into the episode and this is part one of two hopefully let's get the price of shite going all right but you do you have a pen of paper Write it on your phone.

There's only four items. I've got pen and paper. Oh, don't like beepy, beepy, men. That was fucking Texas Chainsville massacre shit. They're beeping us. That's like the hitchhiker. I don't want to have. Old pittled young fish is coming out of the country.

Yeah. He saw your mic. They're going to come around. Oh, they have. They've stopped. They've turned around. Shut up. No, this is a stupid cart.

Yeah, I know. I'm just a little stinker. You literally can't act for shit, can you? It's weird. How often have I said that out loud, though, acknowledging that fact? No, no, I wasn't having a go. I wasn't having a go. I just found it quite amazing how you couldn't just go,

oh, they're turning around. You couldn't do it flat, you know what I mean? Oh no, mate, they're coming round. No, they really are this time. No, they really are, look. It's coming round. No, there's, it's coming back. Do it as if it was me.

Do it as if it was me. As if you were me. Oh, shut my patch. Oh, Shattam. I love that. That'll never grow old for me. Get a pen and paper. I'm going to give you your first item for the price of shite whilst we're here, all right?

Because we have a finale price of shite item, which I'm excited to show you. Do you have room for these two gins in your bag? No. This bag is full of equipment that I don't want to put liquid anywhere near if that's all right. Right? Right. It's bad enough I've got my flask near my camera. Don't like that at all.

I've got ice in there. That's nice. Ice in your Yetty mug. Yeah. Nice. Right, so I've got a few items. Let me pull the first one out. Oh, God. About to do this. It's the cheap book. Look at that. Stick on the back. Cheerful. Oh, nice. That's the notebook. This one's not the best one. So, don't worry about this one being shit. It was one of those. Ah, I need four items, so I'll grab this. Here is your first item on. Hang on my day. I've got the pen yet. I've done the theme tune. I've had to do this right. It's the wolf.

about price of shite it's the walkabout price of shite it's that walkabout price of shite oh the walk about walk about walk about that's right that's right and we have four items three of which i bought in uh rye slip high street i think it is why is that funny i just high slip rye slip high sleep that was going to be that funny high street high street high street right right Did not expect. Those weird echo rhymes. They really get me. High Street.

Race slip high street. Rice slip high street. Oh, rice cake. I bought a rice cake on rice of high street. Right. So, there were four items. I've gone mad. You have.

One of which I got in Kentish Town. So one was in Kentish Town and three were from Ritech Town. Islep High Street. I'm not even sure if Rice-Lap has a high street, but it was not too far away from where the Lido was. It does. I mean, it's a bit like, it's a bit rural around there as well. Anyway, there's like five charity shops on that road, so I went there because I don't usually get to go. So this first item is not the best one, I'll be honest with you. And even though it's a little game, we probably won't play it. Maybe I'll save it for another future cheap shots video. But here's your first item, Mr. Silverman. I have recorded the prices. And is there a quid's gambit yes one of these items was a quid one of these items was a quid yes actually well done for reminding me i would have forgotten that now ladies and gentlemen as you may be aware the

pointing system on this is if you get the price exactly right you're going to get two betwiings that's our point scoring system a betwing and for guessing the price correctly you get two of them however if you're out 25 p higher or lower of the actual price you'll get one between which i think is a fair trade off close but no cigar but a betwing in the back pocket So with that being said, Eli, what is the first item I just gave you? You have given me a mint on card. Very mint. Very new-looking.

Pass the pigs set. Yeah. These, if you don't know, everyone, are a novelty dice game where the dice are little figurines of pigs. Yeah. Is that right? Is that what you'd say? And so you roll them as you would put conventional dice. Yeah.

And then you can get different points depending on how the two... End their role. So, for example, the leaning jowler. 15 points, that's the best possible you can have. I gave her a leaning yowler or whatever it's called. Leaning jowler. The leaning jowler is like a pig. He's up on its snout, one ear and one leg.

That's a big boy. A snouter, that's just on its nose, 10 points. Double 40 points. Oh, you see? both if you get if they're both on their side yeah it's just one point point making bacon back to zero they're touching it looks like they're having pig sex really making bacon back to zero it says i thought that'd be a good one mix combo you can have a mix combo you can have a mixed grill yeah can have some fucking anyway we used to play this at boarding school did you yeah yeah

you're that wasn't a euphemism before what you actually got to at border school oh me and my best mate Timmy boy we're going to play past the pigs oh oh he always passed oh he gave me a leaning yowler it's quite fun and unique I can't think of any why has it got tough pigs on it because they're pigs capitalists pigs aren't they yeah that's a good point they're capitalist pigs I've never thought about that before past the pigs past the pigs I don't know I've never even seen that artwork before but wouldn't you say they've got bow ties and tuxedos and cigars top hats those are those are the it's the rich guy for Monopoly or whatever, isn't it?

Except he didn't have a monocle. Monocle. Monocle. Monopoly. Wait, he doesn't, does he? Mr. Moneybags or whatever his name is. Mandela things. Pass the pigs and it's in a very

fetching plastic carrying case and I bet that if we look inside that it will have a little pad, score pad in there, Paul. And that's a kind of detailing I really like on these games. Now, I'm getting there. You be careful fishing.

out your pigs. Yeah, got it out. Nice. A bit too much box for what you buy, if you ask me, but it's nicely presented. How does this open now? I don't know. I think it comes with a scorecard and pencils inside.

I like that and I want to see it. All right, I'm not going to stop you from doing it, but it is getting dark. I don't want to spend 25 minutes of you trying to open up past the pigs. How does it open, though? Oh, there it is. He simply has to pull it to one side and it slid open.

How mint? You've got the little plastic. plastic covers still on the pigs, man. Rule book, pre-sharpened, bookies pencils. And a little score. Little school pad. I love this.

And it all fits in. I love this item. I thought you would be, I honestly thought I'd get this out and you'd be like, oh, for fuck's sake, Paul, this, what a load of shit, I don't, pass the pigs.

Yeah, he knows past the pigs from his board in school days. No, I've never played it. I've never played it. That's why I'm thinking maybe we could do it as a cheap shot. You know what I mean? We can play past the pigs as a cheap shot. And then we can play past the pig. And then we can play dick in mouth, dick in mouth.

Snouter. I gave Eli a proper snouter. I gave him a leaning jowler with my snouter. Oh, I gave him a pig cock up the bum. Sound really travels when we're out in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, look, Eli, that is your first item, past the pigs. This is the one I got in Reissela Pie Street. In a shop, though? What kind of shop?

A charity shop. It's going to be either St. Luke's or... God, what's going to look? All aboard, I think, was... $2.50. Oh, can I give you a ceiling? Would you like a ceiling? Let me just give me a quick moment of math in my head.

The way the church in Pluckley over there is sort of glowing in the looming, in the glooming, looming. In the looming in the loom. Isn't it? You can see why there's like a haunted... Why people thought it was... haunted round here. Right, I will tell you this right now before I forget, because I've just done the mental math. Altogether, and I'm not going to give you a rough estimate, I'm going to tell you, altogether, 10 pounds and 50 pence across these four items. The actual ceiling, yeah. 10 pounds. 50 pence. Of four items. Are we playing 25p either way?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a nice thing. This is a nice thing. And this is at least like a 10 are new. At least, I'm thinking like 11, 12. And it is new. I mean it's brand, brand new. In fact, one of the other items in here today, the final item, although it's not in its box when I bought it, it was mint in box. I just left the box at home because it was too big, but basically it would never been open this thing. This is 100% mint. And what is more, it is a current addition,

because it has a mobile phone app, and it has an advert for, oh my God, pass the pugs! There's another game called Pass the Pugs, mate. A doggy version. This was unique. They've got a dog version. And there's another version on the other side. And those dogs aren't even dressed up.

They're just pug. They're just pug dogs. I want capitalized dogs. I want capitalized. I want something like the evil. No, they have to be skinheads or something. I don't know. And there's another one on the other side.

If you look as well, look at the other one. Yeah, that's what I was going to mention because I saw that. That's giant past the pigs. So two big inflatable ones. That's not going to be as fun, is it? Might be a bit of fun. Two big inflatable pigs. You can play twister and that.

You could play. And you could play. And you can fuck them. And you try and fuck a pig as it comes by. Twist a fuck a pig. Twist a fuck a pig game. Mb games for all the family. Hello.

Join us in Rice Lip High Street for fuck a pig through the air twister game. Fuck a twister pig. I've ruled up my knob, spurtie, spurtie. Ain't stop going, right? Your knob. Honestly, it's such a kind of narrow, fucking alley for you to mind for comedy. I'm so unhappy, though, and I just want to laugh.

When I say knob or whatever, You know what I mean? All right. Well, listen, how much do you think that was? I'm 250, did you say? All right, fine. Write that down. I can't believe it was much less than that.

Is what I'm saying, because it's at least a 12 quid in Target in America or whatever. If it was, I don't even think they've got it. They might have it in Target. You like in this content? Not really. That's your first item. Three more to go. And we'll do that.

We'll do the next one once we get into the woods now. Put the past the pigs away. I'm going to do that now. Right, we're going to get backed up and we're going to walk on and hopefully we'll find our entrance to the woods because it is getting dark all of a sudden now, isn't it? Buddy is and we're going to get stranded out here on these treacherous roads with no pavement after dark. Oh, big daddy, Paul's got his big torch. You'll get out, swing it around.

That's not going to save me from getting smashed down by a dick in a Ford courtina. Is it? Is it? Better than getting smashed up by a dick, Ed Cole Ford in the back of his courtina with his dick in your mouth. Snout, snout, whatever. You can do it. Oh, yeah, when you do it as me. Well, I'll do it as you.

Snouty knobgob. Snouty knobgob, wanky woo. You're right, it's hard to get the magic down with you, isn't it? Right, let's get going. All right, everybody. Can I say about my pen, though? Quick. It's really good.

Thank you. It's got a grip and a little seafood. Oh, he's thrown it away. You are mean. I just want to get this done with. Why he's off to get his pen. We're going to set off for a walk. All right, let's crack on.

Right, so we're now back at the farm shop. We've wasted literally an hour going up a road and then back down a road. So Eli, because of his short stature and a short leg length, he's a little bit behind me. So I just thought I'd do a little catch-up In that our cool trip to pluckly, uh, scary, screaming woods has so far been mostly walking up one road and back.

Oh, there's sheep in that van. They're off to the slaughter. Or maybe they're going to be made into lovely jumpers. It could be one or the other. Could be jumpers first and then chops. This big SUV went past me with a family, right? I don't know if you saw it, big black SUV. Full of ginger kids.

And when they drove past, they all stared at me and pointed. And the single most, like, haunting image I've seen in a while. Like a bunch of pale ginger kids pointing at you, aghast as if to say, why, mother, there is a stranger in the village. I saw some sheep. I saw those sheep. In the back of the thing. Yeah.

Yeah. I was just saying. So, yeah. So we're going to call it a day, yeah? Calling it a day, yeah? No, we're not calling it a day. We've gone up the road and then back. It's boiling hot, though.

It's boiling hot. It's boiling hot. I know. I know. And all the towns are just weird. Smod and Biddleden. Charing, oh, that's all right. That's that way, isn't it?

We're not going back that way. We're going up this way, and we're going to then take a left at this T-junction and then go round and then find a fucking exit. Well, I don't know. When I read the thing on the website about this guy who walked at Dering Woods, he was like, it's a short walk from the station.

We've been out 90 minutes. Yeah, that's about 80. No, it was like it was a blog he posted like six months ago. He's a dick. He's not. He said it was a short walk from the station. This is the close, this is the closest station. I did the maths on this.

It is the closest station. The other one was like a two and a half hour walk and they don't have bus routes. As it stands, this is still a bit of fucking two and a half hour walk. So I believe we take a left at this junction. I'm not calling you an ambulance. Look what I found, Paul. What do you find? Obsession Night for Men, Kelvin Klein.

Where do you find that? On the road. Do you want to smell it? No, don't pick it up. No, don't pick it up. There's a truck coming. I'm going to use it. Why? Make me smell nice.

Wait, it's not one, not. I mean, fine, but you don't know that it's not. I'll smell it. It's very faint, but it's there. Oh, that's not faint. That's hardcore. It's perfectly good cologne, that. And it's for men?

It says for... No, I'm not... No, I'm just too. You're really concerned with that? No, I was just... Paul's very... Don't be putting lipstick on, Eli. I'll put lipstick on, yeah?

Exactly, you dickhead. I didn't... I just wanted to know. Oh, yeah. Because I didn't know if the flavour profile of the scent of design for women or men, and I was a bit confused, as it seemed a little bit either or there. It's obsession.

Subsession for men. Yeah, but it's the night one. It's even more spicy. No, for Lemore. Sexy night time. Lamor. It's like obsession, electric blue. Right, Egerton.

Two and a half miles. I think we've got to go that way. Getting the map out again. Oh, no pavement around here. Yes, it is this way. Fuck's sake. We go up this Rose Farm Road. With no pavement.

There's a very good chance. One of us will be hit by a truck. I can safely say, I wish I'd learned to drive Well I wish I'd got my full license proper Is what I'm saying Because then I wouldn't have to walk around Bloody gobble goo cland

Would I? It's a lovely cottage There is some lovely, it has to be said Although I'm tired And we've only really gotten going And we haven't really got anywhere I don't think this is the end of part one of two episodes yet It's beautiful

Well I think we should both put on some night Obsession by night and down that Nogroni in those things and just get some magic going, you know? Get some of the old magic going, you know? Get some of that love action, you know? Get fucking, get out there, get loose, get in the mud. Yeah, yeah?

You want to pack some shit with me? Is that what you're saying? Don't do that. Like Hawkeye, like Hawkeye used to say, let's pack shit, hey? No one gets that. People who watch one channel on YouTube who watch that one particular episode

that we both happen to watch may get the reference. Yeah, that's good, isn't it? But until then, out of context... I speak in universals, in generalities, in timeless truths. In that case, would you like to come to the depot at the candy factory and help me get a truck and then pack some fudge? What about that? Anything misconstrued there?

Hey? What about this? How about this? There's a hill over there. You see that hill over there? Yeah, uphill. about we put some fucking roses down and do some uphill gardening together. How about that? How about that?

How about that? You see that lamp post there? How about I just with my thumbs, pull your bum cheeks apart and fuck up the ass? Hey? You haven't changed your whole life, have you? Well, yeah, I got older. No, but your sort of humour, it's always like that. It's always been shit, yes.

It's like when we did that mini-disc episode with my clips on. Same shit, different age. Look at what's all this? A Buddha's head. There's a tree house and a Buddha's head. It's cool, isn't it? It's lovely. Yeah, this is what happens when rich people get property. They fill it full of nonsense.

A buddus head. Pictures on Instagram. Pictures on our website. For chiefsaw.com.com. There will be a page dedicated to this. And next week's episode there. I really hope we get two episodes out of this. Well, if you didn't drag behind...

I'd take you pictures of stuff for us. For us. For both of us. Yeah? For the episode. They're going to call the police on us. Two mad little men running around barking. Well, where's this fucking wood?

Nowhere. It's here to our left, but we just can't get into it because all the houses are in the way. Can't do this. We have to call it off. See, there's a road there. We're going to go left again. We're not calling this off.

It's already a three hour. All right, you know what's going to happen then? You have to come back to mine tomorrow. We have to record an episode that we have to pull out of our ass because you're going to America. So we can either eke this out or you can come to mine. tomorrow to make another fucking stupid episode.

This is a bit behind the... What's that show that they always refer to? What show? Behind the beef curtains or whatever. Yeah, behind it when they say... Pull the curtains back. No. See how the sausages made?

No. Reveal the truth. There was one show and they always use it as shorthand to mean that we're talking shop, that we're, you know, that we're... Well, how about we just say we're talking shop?

I like to think Cheap Show is an open, creative book to those who listen. They want to know. the uh they want to know the ups and downs of putting out a award winning comedy podcast we're getting two behind the music oh a wooden cottage old rose house there's roses as well around the entrance just are you do you think you're on the tv show catchphrase i like it do you have in your head like an irishman is going say what you see because that's what it sounds like to me i regret this episode now

A fucking old fat hack, Cunt. That's strange, I don't see a mirror anywhere around here. I said you are. Oh, God. This is a bad episode. This is a bad walk-about episode.

Jesus. I'm sorry if you listen to this. Because it might be like if there's any good... Because it's like, this is part one. And part one is all set up, in it? And next week's going to be all the payoff where we're in the spooky wood. I don't know if we're going to get there today.

I hope so. Look, we've hit some kind of crossroads. Down, do, do, do, do. Down, do, do. Down, do, do. Boom, wow. Pluckily, still one mile away. Charing is 40.

Is it funny charing? Because then we started at Charing Cross, and now we're here at Charing. Yes. Smarden. Common name. Which is when you... What's this...

Bethersden. Is this road called the Pinnock? The Pinnock, yeah. Oh, there's a sign for something. there and a big fucking truck Kinnick bridge I don't see no bridge right I'm gonna check this map again oh where are they going so basically we go up that way now and at some point there should be an entrance to the woods along this road allegedly oh this this isn't working out for me this is it really I told you we

should have called it off then Well, then we have no episodes. No, we need to just sit somewhere as soon as possible and do the rest of the episodes. Well, in one plate and then get back on the train. Yeah, basically. Without doing any goat stuff, without doing any environmental investigation.

We're not even going to Pluckley Village, which is the haunted bit. I know. So you didn't think this out? I did. I just didn't think this would be so many barriers between the idea and then getting into the wood. Well, that's what it just becomes about.

A Beckett-esque ramble in futility. Hey, that's good. Hey, everyone, if you listen, this has all been a big Beckett type thing, and it will continue to be now. Just for the record, for the next episode and a half. This is a Beckett-themed podcast. We're on Pinick Bridge, and you're a Pillock.

Hey, everybody. Hey, here's a good one. We're on Pinnick Bridge, and you're fucking short-ass, cunt and I hate you. Oh, Paul. Come on. Let's keep trucking. We'll see you if we find anything.

Right, I think we've finally found an entrance to Daring Wood. It's on the corner at this junction. You know what? That's not the entrance. Because that isn't a corner. That's here. We're there. That's what I said. We're not there.

No, I know. I said that. Because I said that's the junction. So what's this entrance saying? Well, that's the pathway I think. We're still not at the entrance you said. No, but we're at an entrance, right? You would agree with me on that, that we're on a fucking entrance.

I would agree with you on that, yes. Stop fighting me every step of this. Just go loose. Enjoy it, please. Oh my God. He actually cracked everybody. That was funny. Come on, I'm with you.

I just, I'm gonna take on some fluid and I need some chocolate. I need some energy after that walk, man, I'm telling you. Okay? Fine. We can... We can find the tractor, go to be a look. What, that man in the look, as if to say,

I'll be wet later and take your inids out with my outwards. How about it? I hate me. I'm date this episode. But there's another wood over there for sale. Woodlands for sale. Woodlands.co.uk if you want to buy a wood. But there was some kind of big sign

with a chainsaw, a buzzblade or whatever they call it, on the fence. And it was very off-putting next to a sign saying danger. Shooting will shoot you or something. Should we do price of strike too here? No. I'll get into the woods a little bit first before we do that. So there's like a yellow trail. Follow the yellow route for a longer walk through Daring's ancient woodland, passing through areas of Hornbeam and oak high forest

and crossing over the King George Star Junction. Boundaries, no, boundaries, ditches and banks can be seen doing the public right-of-way route. There is a white route but it's like tiny. It's like a ten-minute route. but at least we're in here now and that's the main thing

oh did you buy chocolate or was that chocolate you brought I brought it oh fine must be it wow do you want to just put the whole fucking bar in your mouth like it's nothing

you really are like an old man now I've seen you age over the course of this podcast from like fiery young upstart to old haggard dead inside man are you? No.

Now you've got so much chocolate on your teeth. It looks like someone's shat in your mouth. You've fucking got a shit grin. You've got a proper fucking shit mouth grin going on. Oh, lucky. Oh, Mommy, what did you see in the woods? I saw a man with a shit grin. An old haggard, dead inside.

Fucking macro tramp. Mmm. That's better. Oh yeah, good. That's nice. Good, no, I'm glad. Have some. I've got me nice coffee.

I might have a bit of coffee. We're literally right at a gate. There's a junction with a road sign and there's taxing. Taxi weren't best. But we're in the woods now. The thing is, I've lost track of how long this episode's gone on. And I don't know when to put in a, we'll see you next week. What's that?

Pickle. I'll have a pickle. Yeah? Oh, mate, you surprise me sometimes. These are fresh. You're right, I surprise him sometimes. He's being a real weirdo. Are you going to eat these?

Yeah, I'll have a pickle. Smell these. These are great. Yeah, that's a good pickle. I'll have one. It's firm. Yeah. That's a good pickle, that. I also need a bit of energy, if I'm being honest.

Yeah. Mmm. Pickle in the woods, eh? How about that? Me and Eli, pickle in the woods. I'll just say this. This week's episode will be split into two parts, but I don't know when,

so at some point this episode will just end and then next week we'll carry on as if nothing has happened. Wouldn't it be a good point now before we actually enter the wood to end the first episode? Because I need to do at least one more price to shite with you.

Yeah, but not right now because I've got pickle in my mouth. I can't do pickle and chalk mix. I could do both. Can you? Yeah. I've always been like that. Have you?

Yeah, I think it's to do with my super taste of status. I can distinguish the flavours, so they don't bother. The mixing doesn't bother me. I mean, whatever, but for me, it's like, I want even this texture in my mouth and this flavour, and I want to keep the vibes of that going. Or I want the other? I wouldn't eat them both at literally the same time?

I'm going to clear this. Right. This pickle. God, I enjoyed that pickle. Yeah, it's good pickle. Isn't that good? Yeah. A little hairy bit on the top that you threw away there. That's the sign of a fresh good pickle.

that. Yeah, but I just don't want to hit the knuckle of the pickle, do I? Whatever. Oh, okay, yeah, you float away, isn't it? Anyway, I've got a map, we're sorted. I've got some facts about this place as well, but I'll, you know what? Let's finally get into the fucking woods, go for a little bit of a walk, settle down, and then we'll do a price of shite, we'll do some reading of my notes. I did printouts.

Okay, you don't go home? And then, no, then we'll walk some more, and then episode, walking back, and then it's two parts. I don't have to worry while you go away to America. It's the only reason why I thought I'd make an effort. Let's do a nice big walkabout episode, which I don't usually break up into many episodes. Do I? Usually put me out in one go.

I feel like you deserve it. And also the reason why we're not using the lapel mic now is because I've just realized I brought the one ones out and those ones aren't charged. So we've only got this hand mic now. Sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah? And I've got extra batteries. So all I'm saying is, yes, it's not the best job I've ever done putting a podcast.

together. But you challenge me. You challenge me. You're a weird guy. Yeah, I am a weird guy. I've always been weird. No one loves Paul. None of the cool kids at school liked hanging out with me. Oh, I just hang out with the weirdos, didn't I? Yeah. And even they look down on me. Paul Gannon, the mushroom beneath their feet in the garden of misery that is the whirrel fucking shit. And this, I tried to get out. I tried to get out. I tried to get out. I had to get out. I had to get out. I had to get out. I couldn't be there. I couldn't work in B&Q. I couldn't fucking go and work in the shop.

No, I worked at Blockbuster in Morton Cross though. Oh, that's fucking great. No, it wasn't. Because the worst people in the world are the people who go to video shops to rent things. Horrible. Well, that's even existing. Well, they don't. Good.

So I escaped. And blah, blah, blah. I'm sitting in a fucking wood with Eli Silverman. As he bitches about having to fucking walk for a bit. As he fucking shovels pickle and chocolate down his. stupid feted fucking piole good pickle Polish

so now that we're in the wood can we actually walk into the wood for a bit please and then find a nice place to sit down so I can read you some nice notes and then I can give you a price of shite and then we'll have two more items and then we'll walk back here and we'll walk home and get the train

and part two will also include the train journey home as well it's a whole thing Eli this you've put me in this spot I don't know why you're in this mood. Because all you've done for the past two hours has complained about having to walk. It's horrible on the roads

around here. Walking the roads is really nasty for all the traffic and lack of pavement and mud. It's just treacherous, I'm sorry. I like it. You don't like you like it. I do. I like. I like the danger. I like not being on the hustle-bustle-high streets of London. Where everyone's in your way. Let's just find so we can damn one of those fucking gin and tonics.

I don't want a gin tonic now. Well, we're going to have... I think it's time that Paul gets suponasto drunk. Supo Nasto? Super Nasto? I like that. Suponaster, that could be like a late 90s house music act. Yeah, I am supernesto.

Super Nesto techno record. I watched a video the other day about Hoover Techno. Have you heard of that? No. Is that using hoovers? No, there's a certain sound. That sort of started to dominate. which from Ireland.

Originally, yeah. Called Hoover. It's really commercial sort of... Right, anyway, look, we're going into the woods. We're going into the Daring Woods. As some people name it, the screaming woods. Will we hear any screaming tonight? Well, Eli, just so you know,

I have brought some ghost hunting equipment with us today to do some late night in the dark investigation, even though we won't be here late night because our train leaves at 8.30. It will be pitch black by then. It will be pitch black though. It'll be pitch black in about an hour or so, I think. You'll ask the question.

I'm not trying to be cheeky. What? Did you bring batteries for the torch? No. Do you know why? It is a charge cell torch. So I charged it last night with my USB and it has a little readout on the front

which tells me the percentage. And as of this morning, it read 100% on the torch. All right? I also brought battery banks for my phone. So if push comes to shove, I can use my phone torch, can I? So all together, Eli, we're covered because we're adults. Adult men who know how to fucking exist in the world.

All right. Let's go in the wood. This is literally going to be our worst episode of all time. Well, good. Good! Right, we are now at the official beginning of the walk, where the yellow trail begins. It's called Surrendon Walk. Surrendon.

Surrendon. Yeah. he said surrender which is what someone says after they've beaten someone real bad at like arm wrestling and then they keep getting standing up

you go surrender then surrender then follow the yellow route surrender then you're right now calm down follow the yellow route for a longer walk through Derring's ancient woodland that's what we're doing

passing through areas of Hornby I've read this out already because it's on the print out. I tell you he's a real hornbeam. Like, do you want to fucking just calm down? Like, do you want to actually calm down? Yes, this wildlife? Can I read you something I found interesting?

Yes. In the late 19th century, they're referring to Deringwood, which we finally arrived at. A system of rides, a main carriageway with lodgehouses, that's a typo. A system of rides, a main carriageway with lodgehouses

at either end, and a draining system, drainage system was built. Right. As was the fashion at the time, many newly found exotic tree and shrub species, such as turkey oak and rhododendrum were planted. These are now being gradually removed to allow for native species to grow.

Interesting. This ancient semi- A lot of that stuff, didn't they, the Victorians? Yeah, they're like, bring that stuff over here, we'll have it, and then it was like, actually it's really bad for us. It's ruining everything. It's killing frogs. Ancient semi-natural woodlanders and nature lover's dream.

This site extends across almost 126 hectares or 310. 10 acres and forms part of a much larger complex of woodlands and farmland. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It faced risk of redevelopment in 97, so the Woodland Trust stepped in, basically. There's a place here called Edgerton, and someone has crossed out the D after the E. Someone's got a fucking problem. Maybe this was one another spelling mistake. They farm this out to some fucking wide boys in the city.

How do you spell Eddington? I don't fucking know. Why would wide boys in the city be making this sign? Advertising company who don't understand stuff. Fine. They get sent the basic. Sign makers. Yeah.

Deringwood has been continuously wooded since at least the early medieval period has mentioned a Doomsday Book. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. And it's got six entrances. We couldn't fucking find any, could we? Because, like, we were down here, saw it. This is the train station.

So what are these red arrows? Entrance. We didn't see an entrance there, did you? We weren't there. Well, no, because that's the train track, so it must have been. Perhaps we could leave that way, because that would be helpful, wouldn't it? Might be. Rather than going all the way around again.

Well, we'll see, because we don't even. though where dad is. Let's go. They're set off. All right, we're going to set off. We've got one, yeah, let's get a price. Let's find somewhere to sit down, do a price of shite. But right now, we're in the woods.

Finally, it's only taking basically the whole episode to get here. Will it be worth it? That's for you to decide. No. We just make the fucking thing. What's that? White dog poo, everybody. Well, it's huge.

It's haunted and there's a great big white dog egg. It's a great big one. It looks like a great dog poo. Dane or something. Yeah. Like Bernie, Bernie and Snobitz. In all my days,

I'd never thought I'd see a white dog poo again in my lifetime. It's a big old white dog poo. It's probably because they feed all the dogs here, like... Or the bone meal.

Or the bone meal, all the fucking pig slurry or whatever. People can't seem to decide. Is that a person over there? Yeah, no, there was that guy in the car who was playing bum, bum, bum music and then he got out the car and then he looked at us

because he looked like a bit of a wide boy. I don't know why. I keep saying wide boy. Why? I don't know. But maybe he's making a drug deal or something here. And there's gangsters. I don't know.

Anyway, it's the woods. We're in the woods. Let's get going. Dida-da-da-da-da-da-da-d-d-d-d. Yeah, kissing gate, I think it's called. But it's not even that. It's just a gate. It's a holding hands gate at best.

Yes, that's why I said, bring shoes. And I did. I brought appropriate shoes. Yeah, I brought appropriate shoes. I'm going to go around. Like you go around. Good. look to him as he tries to get over this gate. I'm just going to go through it. Fuck him.

Fuck him. Actually that's very muddy. Are you going around? Yeah, I'm going to go around. It's very muddy. Right, we've sat down in the woods. We've done a little bit of a walk. Eli's lost the Cheap Show book with all our memories in. It might have fallen out of his bag. I don't know how he's done that, by the way. But there you go. You know what it might be? It might be by the style. You know, when you sat down and you got all your stuff out then. Yeah. They were the books there. It is there. It might be there when we go back. going to have to go back. We're going to have to go back.

Well, we are going back up there, aren't we? At some point. I hope it's up there. Also, we've got to look for a pink wellie. Because we bumped into some mummies who had kids with them. And they said, if you see a pink wellie of a baby, put it in the car park. A baby's pink wellie. The pink belly of a baby.

So the second answer. So then, so we recorded us saying that. And then we recorded us sitting down and Eli losing his book. And now I've handed in the next price of shite item, the second. So it is. Again, why are you doing this again? Why are you doing this again? I was thinking, oh, at least he didn't do it when we were recording.

And now you've got, God, you're useless. Useless man. What are you looking for? This is pushing my patience to the absolute limit. Oh. He just fell backwards. Like a tubby Frank Spencer. Right, tell me what the second item is.

Tell us what the item is. Oh, let's get a drink on. Fucking hell. What's the item? Westmark QB. Dasch, yes, ice refru. Is that what it says? Yeah, it's a ice crusher.

Yeah. Metal. Very nice. Vintage packaging. I mean, that's like 60 something. Yeah. Oh, it's all manky. I'm putting my ice in that.

No, it's a bit manky. But you put ice in. Two pits. Two piece, but it are hinges. can hear it and you just you crush it in there and then you open it into your drink oh you're meant to take the top off aren't you after that I guess so that's got it's not sealed stupid what a stupid load of shit you know what I mean why do I want little fucking pellets of ice I want a cube you know what I mean but maybe some people like pellets of

ice in their drink you've got probably good cubes in this illustration and then I now I've made it into nasty irregular cuby I don't mind It's called Cube. It's a terrible. It's a terrible product. Yeah, but it's also back in the day before you had like home, like food purifiers and blenders and all these hand whisks. What's that got to do with it? The person has got fucking ice. No, because back in the day you couldn't chop your ice up, could you? It was a luxury to have an ice chipper. Yeah, it's basically a handheld ice chipper, very much like a juicer with two elements, like scissor handles. Yeah.

But how much do you think it is? Now the ceiling, the roof was £10 pounds and 50 pence. You've already said £2.50 for the first item, which was the past the pigs game. So Eli, what do you think the ice crusher is was... This could be the quid's gambit. This could be the quid's gambit. I'm going to say quid provisionally. We're going to get back to revisit these.

So there you go. Let me get that back then. Write it down on your phone. I do it once we stop recording because I'm holding it, aren't I? So how about that? your bell end. I've given up on this whole episode date. Where's my drink?

I've got a little bit of this left. What? You got a bit of your raspberry lemonade left? Save the little bit of left. Mmm. Mmm. Yeah, that's nice. That's that.

Finished off. Right, what do you want to do? Do you want to open your fucking fishing cookie or whatever it's cool? Fishing cookie. Oh. Hi You know what Eli

I was going to say Let's do another little bit and wrap up But this is all happening now I've decided it's all happening now So we can get to X week Start recording next So we just start recording next week

You need to fucking I'm tired now And we're in woods And we spent two hours To try and get to these You should have backed out You should have You can back out whenever you want

We can back out whenever you want We still get two episodes If we just You know Down by the farm shop said of this slog to exhaustion. You're exhausted, admit it, you're exhausted, aren't you? This is one of the most haunted spooky woods in the UK.

I wanted to come here. Why? Because it's one of the spooky woods. It's called screaming woods. The screaming woods. There will be. I haven't even seen that baby's wellies. Now, I went to Portsmouth, and I went to a Chinese restaurant in Portsmouth.

It was called the Nice Tintin. Yeah? Which is a reference to a cheap shop. video we made where we looked at all of my lovely tins everybody lovely but there was one missing it was a big it was a cat tin a tin depicting a cat and he was called mr crafty bojangles it was mr cruddington smithery anyway i got a fortune cookie from the nice tin tin and we'll see what this uh what bearing it has we'll open it now see what bearing it has on it will be in a wood by your co-ho I mean, if it said that, I'd be shocked.

But I did, I am getting some weird coincidences. Because I was looking at all of my tats today and thinking, what other collection could I use to make a cheap shot video with? You know? Like I've done tins, playing cards. And I thought, I've got quite a lot of skulls. And I had that distinct thought. And then on the way here, everybody, there was a skull, like a piece of Halloween decoration, I think it was.

I was screaming skull. And I thought, oh. Anyway, also I was thinking, oh, confident. I was thinking I'm fat, but at least I'm confident, as I was walking to the station today. And then I saw some guy, he had like a coat on, and it said confident on the coat. Is that just me incorporating that word

because I'd seen it in my subconscious peripherally? Peripherally. Who knows? That is the magic of the mind, isn't it? How the brain sees the world. Hey? What? Oh, yeah, do you open the cookie?

Yeah, fine some. I'll have the other half. Yeah. Nice. Thank you. Right. What is the fortune? An admirer will soon contact you.

I mean, that happens to most normal people every day anyway, doesn't it really? In some respect. You know, your friends, admire, they don't admire you, don't they? Yeah. And they text you, go get some milk or whatever, you know. I mean, the odds are good that after some time, admirer will turn up in your life. Or how much?

has already been in your life and reached out again to say hello. It's a terrible, terrible fortune. And not at all Chinese. No. Which I only really discovered recently. Not at all. No. It's just something that the Americans think Chinese people would have done at a meal, right?

Or was it the Chinese people trying to ingratiate themselves into the American culture by going... I think it was an American Chinese or Sino-American, as they say, invention. How about this? Hey, let's end this week's episode before we go and join us back here next week by just saying goodbye. Before we go and join us. Mate, my brain, mate.

Just try to stop talking so fast. It's not about that. It's never about that. What is it about? It's about trying to find interesting sentences to say. Well, don't. I won't then. I won't say anything clever ever again.

I don't. I mean, there's a high likelihood of that anyway. Pluckley is in the Guinness Book of Records, as it is reputed to be the most haunted in Britain. It is reputed to have 12, possibly 13 or 14 ghosts. Which is the village, not the woods. The specter of the highway man in Pinnock. A phantom coaching horses that has been seen in several locations.

The ghost of a gypsy woman who drowned in the lake at Pinnock. Oh, Pinnock seems to be a bit of a hotspot. Yeah, the miller. At Mill Hill. The hanging body of a schoolmaster in Dickie Bus's Lane. Dickie Bus? Yeah. Sounds like an 80s TV entertainer.

Come on, everybody. A colonel who hanged himself in Parkwood, a man smothered by a wall of clay who drowned at the brickworks. We already heard about the clay guy. Yeah, the lady of Rose Court, who is said to have poisoned herself in despair over a love triangle. The white lady, a young woman apparently buried inside seven coffins and an oak sarcophagus who haunts St Nicholas's Church.

I have to look up that one. And the Red Lady, a member of the Daring family who haunts the churchyard at St Nicholas's church. Would you like a ginatonic? Maybe we should come back to Buckley, I don't know. Pluckley? Pluckley. Would you like a gin and tonic?

I would love a gin and tonic, actually. I really would. Should we put half a groney in it? That would go really well. Oh, happy, mate. Do you know what I mean? Put a ngroni in a gin and tonic. It's all gin.

It's all, you know what I mean? It's all in the same flavor universe, isn't it? Yeah. We're flying in the same flavor vehicle. Ice. I thought there'd be more on the streaming woods. There's nothing on it. Pluckley walks.

Nessels, countryside, dog. budds of May there are a number of spots are found around the village that have a distinct field to them what does that mean and several of these haunted places are connected the Daring family lords of the manors until the 13th from the 15th century to the world wall of one civil war blah blah blah blah sadly house burnt down blah blah blah blah fuck the darings never mind grey stones directions to see if we went to the village everybody we have directions maybe we'll come back to Pluckley for alohene oh my god please

and actually go to the village because there's pubs well that sounds a bit better But fucking hell. Fright Corner. At the end of Pinnock, you arrive at the crossroads. Oh, Pinnett! Screaming Woods! It is an eerie experience to walk these muddy paths along skeletal trees, especially when it's getting dark.

The journey is even made spooky by the knowledge that many alone wayfarer who have come this way have been scared witless by a sudden, loud, anguish scream. It comes from deep within the woods and sends the birds flapping from the trees. Does that be good? I don't know if I like this. episode. What do you mean? I don't know if I've suitably won myself over with this concept.

You haven't obviously, but we have to do it and you have to do two episodes. So that's why I was saying thanks for listening everyone. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thanks for listening everyone, because me and Eli are going to get drunk. So that means when you come back to us in seven days time, it's now pissed up cheap show. We hope so. I hope so. Let's get a buzz on. Let's get a buzz on. Right, so this is the anticlimactic first part of an episode. Everyone does it. It's not just us. Aren't we doing a prize of strike before the end of the episode? No, we're going to do two more next week.

Oh, we did do two. Yeah, we did two. We're going to do two more next week. So let's just me and you, chill. It's getting a bit dark and spooky in the woods. They'll join us next week. Look, I've got ice. This is a good picnic apart from the whole food thing, which we don't really have.

We didn't bring enough food or any. Did you hear a scream then? I did. Well, I didn't hear a scream, but I heard like this high-pitched air. Yeah. I heard it, yeah. I don't know if this would have caught at them. Maybe it's a sheep.

It might have been a sheep. It had a sheepy sound, didn't it? Like that. Like an angry sheep. Cut to someone on the other side of the woods. Did you hear that just there? Someone going, eh, eh. I can see how sound travels it as well.

It has an eerie way of travelling around here, doesn't it? I'm actually getting a bit of the willies. I'm getting a lot of the willies. And on that note, we'll see you next week. No, really? No, yeah. That's really how we're going to end this week's episode. Cool, cheer up, man.

What we're going to get ratted. Let's just say cheers at least on this. All right, let's end with the cheers. We're in the woods. Hang on, hang on, I'm going to have to put a half a nogronie in as well. So how much did you say a quid for the cube icebreaker, right? Yes, but I want to have a... Yes, I know, I know, but I'm going to make a note when I record.

Hopefully, we've got to remember to find that book as well on the way back. Yes. As well as a baby's pink welly. Oh, it's become a... Hey, shall I get my geocasher out and see if there's anything nearby for a laugh? Yes. Well, that's what we're doing next week. Oh, next week's episode will be much better than this week's everyone.

This week's was shit, wasn't it? Join us next week where hopefully everything's better. Ah. Aww. See ya, say goodbye, Eli. Goodbye, Eli. Oh, goodbye, Eli. I'll see you next week.

Bye bye-bye.