CheapShow - Ep 479: Escape From Screaming Wood (Mono)

Episode Date: March 20, 2026

(Mono Version) It may have taken forever, but Paul and Eli are finally at Dering Woods in Kent for some spooky wanderings. Sadly, because it took so long, it’s already getting dark and the Cheap Chaps have a lot to do before they can think about turning around and going back to Pluckley Station. Now that they’re lost in “Screaming Woods” it’s time to have a small (poorly planned) picnic and finish off The Price of Shite. Paul has two more items, one of which should come in VERY handy once darkness falls in this truly spooky woodland. The mist is rolling in, darkness is falling, strange sounds (and people) can be heard in the distance and Eli’s lost all his stuff and is getting very ratty… And that’s all before a VERY long, VERY dark walk home. Looks like Paul and Eli are going to be VERY grumpy again. Additional music by White Bat Audio. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-479-escape-from-screaming-wood www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, it's part two of our walk to Daring Woods, and we're in Daring Woods, and we've just had a picnic and a few little drinky woo-woo babies. And we're both suffering from dead leg from sitting down on the ground for too long syndrome. I think it's exacerbated by the fact that we've walked a load of hard roads to get here.

Also, I just went for a PBI and just that tree there. No, it wasn't, it was that one. Was it that one? Yeah. It wouldn't look very similar, as to be said. And my, I don't know why, but my wee was really bee. beefy smell.

Had a really beefy honk to it. Oh, it's snotted. Oh, everything's getting a bit visceral, isn't it? Oh, yeah. I've already had one drink and I'm like, I want to go home now. I want to go home. We've got to do the rest of the episode.

I know. So join us for... We should get a fucking move on, mate. I'm telling you. Yeah. Because we just get around here. We don't want to be walking too much the roads at the dark.

If it means we... Listen, if it means we have to wait half an hour at the station, I'd prefer that than trodging through Mardy. in a treacherous hellhole with a really moody liverpuddling. Let's what you are. I'm not, though. I'm not from Liverpool, am I?

I'm not from the Wirral, which, as I like to joke, has all the accent but none of the culture. You know that guy B here now, who is a, like a psychogeography YouTuber based in Manchester? He saw his video about the tunnel beneath the thing, yeah, good. Brilliant. I saw his latest one. It was about this place called Holt Town in Manchester, very near. the city centre but like deserted semi-industrial fucking amazing and he said yeah it's just one of these

weird little places that are just like living a little yeah totally i mean it's really interesting apparently the whole thing's going to get regenerated but it's like there's no one living there now and it used to have some of the most dense sort of terrorist terrorist buildings then it went industrial it's like he's bored he's bored everyone deline made me drinky and now that drinkie has made me all floppy woe We have to get through this, my friend. You've got more booze in the bag, right? Yeah.

How much? Got like half a bottle of J-B. Half a bottle? Yeah. Like, blam. Like that little one that we got, remember? That's not that much. But half of that.

It's still enough. It's not enough. It's not enough. Get more cider. Anyway, we're here. I love everyone. Bye, bye. We're here in the...

Yeah, where as I say, we're in Daring Woods, which is near Pluckley, the most haunted village in the whole of the UK in Kent. And we're going to be completing our walk. here in Daring Woods where we're going to do a little bit more of a price of shite. We're going to go hunting for a ghost and then we're going to go home. I think that's the plan in it. Go home. So this is where all the action is this week is all the action.

This is where the action happens this week. The first part was all set up. It was all part one. But part two is the sex, the violence, the excitement, the intrigue, the twists, the turns. That's what this week's episode is. I promise you that. Right. How can't you do it?

Because it's got a weird movie clasp. You've got a weird movie clasp? Yeah, I've done it. It's a little upside-down skeleton, I'm. Scrankle, scankle. I'm the screlly man. Oh, booby-dubby. I'm just going to put the music in.

One with the cheap show. It's cheap show music now. Undies. I think your path's better. Really? Yeah. I think I'm a bit trapped by trees at this end. With that little thicket there.

I'm going through a little thicket. Yeah, yours is better than this one. Always. This one's all better. It's much firmer on the other side, man. I don't know about that. Fuck me. I had to get, anyway, look, we're walking and it's very muddy.

Should we go look? It looks like you can get up there. What here? Yeah, I'm going there. Really? Yeah. That's too mossy. I don't like it.

It's too mossy. I'm going to stay here where the rim of it is. Oh, but then there's this bit. Why are you over there now? is it? I don't know if it is mate if I'm being honest I'm going to run across this mud path here I'm going to go slow there's no rush so we're walking the yellow route of daring wood starting at the main entrance and walking south from there Christ there's a big falling tree here that's covered the path and there's a mist rolling in as well which makes the woods a bit

more spooky it's actually quite nerve-wracking you're all right over there I I've got to get over a tree now. There's a tree that's falling. See here. Mate, I might be a bit too drunk to walk now. Huh? I think that booze hit me hard and I'm just having trouble.

I'm having trouble. Yeah, what? Well, we've got at least an hour and then on the roads and the dark. Oh. Well, what? Paul made a bad episode happen. Didn't he?

I couldn't know. No. I won't. I'll keep going. We're walking for... This is very wet. Oh. I mean, this is a 45-minute walk around the yellow route.

No wonder they lost a fucking wellie. You know what I mean? I can see why. Muddy is all fucking shades of balls. Actually, though, it's getting a bit better here because there's a lot of foliage surrounding on top of the mud. mud so it's it's not as muddy now yeah look it's not as muddy now eli that's good i'm not as there's a sign here

in honor of something lee shirungnim's visit to the uk in europe march 17 to 18th 2018 who's that who's who's rich riche lee susunganim elai Yeah, quite considerably firmed up over here. It's quite considerably so. But there's also a little sign here. What? All right. Has it firmed up?

It doesn't look that. No, it's firmed up. All this foliage has made it easier. But there's a sign here, a little thing that honors someone. But I don't know who the name is because I can't say it for a start. It's Nietzsche Li Sunyung Nims. Richie Lee Simnomnings

Wow They sound like they were Chinese I don't know Because that bit's all bent out of shape So I can't quite see it That Lee is a very Chinese name Isn't it? Yeah

L-E-E Sessongnims Yeah They visited So they must be They could be maybe Nees look it up Because they obviously

There's no reception We've got no reception in the woods We've literally got no Outside World Contact So if anything happens to us Some kind of religiously someone important within the world of forest conservation. Visit to the UK and Europe suggests that they're not a native to UK and Europe.

No. And then what? They came all the way here and they are. It's a tree. They've got to be sort of in some way important. That's what I'm saying. Here's a tree. We'll never know.

Here is a tree. Do you want one, Eli? Here's a tree in your honour. That's not what it is. They're probably some kind of politician, I'd say. Or religious likes. Maybe something to do with them. the Dalai Lama?

The Dalai Lama. There's no such thing. Fucking hell, the Dalai Lama. Do you make that up? Just now? Do you make that up? Is this the joke? This is where you're going on this?

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yes, I did, yes. Ha, ha, ha, ha, Eli. How very funny of you. You see, fields through there. Yeah. They say it's more of a patchwork,

but this has definitely got... It feels like an ancient wood. It's similar to... Remember Copitz wood? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got a sort of... similar vibe in a weird way, doesn't it? Yeah.

It's the ancientness, I guess. A lovely wood. It's very you could look over there and imagine elves and dwarves playing merrily. We really are in the glooming. The glooming hour. Look at all that moss all over the bar. Yes, you get lots of nice

mossy mounds. I'm going to take a picture of that mossy mound. I'm going to take a picture of moscy mounds. You can imagine you're right. Nomes and fairies, a skitter, a scatter. too much all a fritter a fratter a fritter skitter in here and we're going to still have to walk along pitch black roads I have a solution for that though I have a

solution for that is that solution it's part of the price of shite mate really yeah because I have got make better than a torch mate you think I'd take you all the way out here and then just show you a torch who the fuck do you think you are batteries for whatever this device is and a memory card oh okay Mmm, to think. Is that picked your curiosity now? I don't see that's going to help. It's piqued as curiosity.

Oh, what's this? It's a magic glade. Here we go. Oh, look, it's a little pool. A glade. Perhaps where witches drank. A glade is not a pool. A glade is at clearing.

But glade sounds more magical. Yes, but it doesn't matter. Why can't you be precise at all? That's a pool. Why is water is important to you when magic? It's important to everyone, Paul. Everyone who... What would you fucking magic?

People like magic. Fucking get that fucking Jack Daniels out. I'll get it out. And I'll drink it all myself and you've got to deal with a Randy Angry Gannon. Randy Andy. Randy Angry Gannon on Ryslip High Street. How about that?

That would be good, yeah. Good idea for a TV show. Randy Angry Gannon on Ryslip High Street. Yeah. Yeah. Say something like that. Get off my knickers. That's my catchphrase.

Get off my knickers. Because I always think you're trying to get me knickers. Winter's turning coming up, do you think? I don't know. I don't care no more. Is it the longer stretch, you think? Yeah, it is actually, though. I will say that for it.

Yeah. Look how all these trees have fallen. I don't know if it's wind or lightning or vandalism. You know what I mean? It's not vandalism. I think there's some natural fellage, isn't there? Maybe they died and then they get weak. Do you see what I mean?

Yeah. They look like they've been torn asunder from the ground. Yeah, it's probably wind or lightning. It's wind or lightning. Who knows? But have you sensed their chill in the air now? It went from rosy, warm day. Early spring vibes to a supernatural chill.

It's not that cold. Colder than it was, but it's not that cold. I'm getting a supernatural chill. I've got chills. They're multiplying. And I'm loose. lose in control. And your bum hole.

I've been eyeing. It's electrifying. It's been winking. You better wipe up. Because I want to... I want to shit. And I've done a massive poo. Better wind up.

Because I've spat your face. Good stuff. With my dirty hunks of shit. Nothing more. more, but lots of bits. See? Yeah, because look, I bet you, right, that private area if we went through

would take us to where we were lost at the beginning. I think you're exactly right, yeah. You know what I mean? Because I think the train line's going that way. That's right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. Which is a shame because I could have maybe hopped that fence and legged it for a bit and got on here.

But, you know, I'm glad we did it legally. It's just going to make the walk back even longer, the fact that we can't go through there. Anyway. I mean, is that an exit over there? Do you think? Should we have a little look? Let's have a little look.

field there. Let's have a little look about where that brings us. Because you might be right, it might be like we end up accidentally finding a way out. However, I do think... You still need to do Price of Shite? No, I mean, I'm just thinking ahead. I'm covering all the bases, you know what I mean? Research and development, Eli. Okay. Okay, Paul.

So that's what Cheap Show's doing. We're trying to escape the woods today after... We're going to do a price of shite and then a supernatural experiment. I can't wait. You haven't told me nothing about the experiment. I know because I wanted to be a surprise, didn't I? Yeah, it is. Mate, I've thought it all out apart from how we got here, how we get here, what we're doing and everything else, how we're getting home.

Yeah, I think this goes on to that field. I don't think we've got access. And the field, that will take us out the other way. We should examine our maps quite closely here. I think we should. Just in case we have a way of getting out early. I think that's important. I'm sure it is.

I'm sure that's the way. I'm sure it's the way. Because we did see some footpaths. We did. We did, actually. You're right. We did see. What's this say?

This is the way out, mate. Well, I don't know. Yeah, and gone. Let's do. Not here. For the love of trees. So, yeah, this is definitely a path. But I honestly, mate, I don't know once we get here where we go next.

It is, though. It is, though. It's fucking beautiful. With the mist. It's so nice. you know? Yeah. The loaming mist.

Let's just hang here for a minute at least. All right. This is not the right way though. Does that open? Does that open? Yeah. Look, see. Well, let's just see if we can get back to the...

But no, because here's the thing. We haven't actually been in the woods all that long. I don't care. I'm going out there. No. For a minute. I'm going out there for a minute. You push me off.

Ow! It made me in the chest. Ow! Come on, mate. It's beautiful. It is. It is. But I'm also kind of like,

like I don't want to go off the track when we know where we are for the time being. Paul, poor. I don't know where any of this takes us. Imagine you just saw a big wolf, like a wolf man, like a big, like a big boy, just got a galumphing towards us from there. Imagine that. It jumps on all fours and gallops. Yeah, like that, coming.

Just getting larger. I just have to be faster than you. No, because he could just wound me mortally and then go after you. Yeah, that's a good point. And come back for me after he's done. Yeah, he probably holds me down and gives me hot kisses. And I'm like, I don't know. He's like, rough, rough.

And he gets his dirty dog dick out. Isn't twilight all about it? And he puts it up between my thighs and I won't let him in. But he likes the feeling of it in between me thighs banging on my balls. I hate this week. Why? I just, I feel like I've not prepared this episode. I know, I'm trying to tell you.

But I don't think we can cross this field though, honestly, because I don't know where the path. No, it doesn't seem to be a path here. And there's a little yellow arrow going. in that way but again I don't know where that takes us and I really don't want to get stuck not knowing where we are because even though the route back is long at least we know that route is the right yeah that's the path mate well let's look at the map but yeah but let me explain at least we know the route home based on how we got here if we went that way and then we got halfway there and then realized we have to turn back in the dark yeah that's a pain

the ars so I'd rather go about the way we came because we know that works that was a schlett man yes but remember we did add an hour to it by going the wrong direction in the first place. If we'd gone that way from the farm in the first place, we'd been there an hour ago. All right, so let's just make sure Paul feels better about himself and we'll end this segment.

All right, we're going to have a little moment and we're going to come back to you. No, after the second. We've got to pace this episode. I don't like it here. It's unnerving. I've got horny werewolf in my head now. Beautiful. Let me take a photo.

It's really lovely. Yeah, you take a photograph, actually, I like it. Beautiful. Oh, huh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, it's weird. I mean, I can hear voices of other people. I can't hear them here. Somewhere out there. It's kind of spooky.

It carries very strangely. Actually, see what I mean? They heard that. They're shouting back? Are they weird locals? Are they going to murder and rape us? I'm getting a real vibe from that, man. What was that?

To be fair, they also might have gone. Oh, do you know that? That gave you the willies. There, someone just screamed there. Yeah, I know. Maybe we shouldn't have drawn attention. We shouldn't have done that. Can we just keep moving?

We're going to keep moving. Let's go back. No, no, no. Let's do this nice price of shite. That's what we're here for, right? They're coming for us. No, they're not coming for us. It really feels like they are.

It kind of feels like they are, though. I think they're just here walking their dogs and shit. I don't think it's anything more nefarious than that. I feel like they are nefarious. Okay, do the price of shite, fine. This is a quick one. All right, it's a quick one. Right, let me get it out.

No, not that pocket. Here it is. Eli, what do you think this is? Quick, oh, I'm going to take the sticker off. Price sticker. Well, funnily enough, not the price sticker for this item, but the price sticker for another item. Right, there you go. What do you think that is, Mr. Selman?

Oh, it's a metal object, and it depicts a sort of Chinese-style teapot. Yeah. And it's Minton card and it's got a card there and it's all in Chinese I believe. But it's... Oh, it's got a lovely weight. So it's all in Chinese, the writing, but I have translated it, but I can't remember exactly what it said,

but I can tell you the gist of what I think it does. It has a form and function. It's a weight. Yeah. Is it to weigh tea? No. It's not a tea weight. It's got nothing to do with tea.

Ah. Even though it's a little slab of metal, that looks like a teapot. Yeah. A teapot. That's just the decorative thing. Yeah. I have no idea then. Apparently, it's for pickling.

You're meant to put it in with a jar of vinegar and your pickles. And apparently, because of the iron in it or whatever, it helps the pickling process. Oh my God. It's something like that. I'd have to re-translate it, but basically that's the gist of it helps the pickling. Are you meant to eat iron? No, you're not, well, you're not meant to eat that. Put this in my mouth, taste of pickle.

No, I don't think it works like that. I think it's got something to do with helping oxidise the process. process I don't know that could be a quid that could be more I mean you've 10 20 yeah you've already done I think the last item is impressive you've been going on about the last item yeah so could easily be like six quid the last item yeah so I'm gonna say anything would be good 180 180 all right I put it back in my bag do you want this after I do I do I keep it in my bag for now do you want it now it's just I'm taking pictures and shit of this stuff

Okay, put it back in the bag now. You can have it. I'm not saying you can't have it. Hey, those people seem to quiet in now. Well, I hope so. Because I don't really want to end this episode by being beaten up by locals, if that's all right. So, do you say 180?

Yeah. So that means 180 for that. You said £2.50 for the pasta pigs and one pound for the ice crusher thing. Comes to what? 5.30. All right. And you said 10, 20, 10.50 or together.

That was a scream. That was just a scream. Yeah, that's a motorcycle. That sounded more like a motorbike or something. No, that would sound like... All right, well, don't you copy it, then they copy it. I'm already getting the Major Willys now. Are you?

Yeah, just not because I'm like frightened of ghosts, but because... Hello, I'm the Major Willies. Stay at attention. Oh! Up the bum-o, sir! It's a bum-hole base walk today. They're bikers. They're like they're going to mad max our ass.

No. They're going to bike around with fucking clubs and hammers. It's not quite late enough for, bad boys to be in to be a concern i think but i do think we should uh now think about getting out of the woods by going the yellow route all the way oh about 20 minutes more of this right uh the whole walk itself they count out as 45 minutes so we must have done over half of it yeah that's what i'm saying and then we'll walk back oh it's very muddy and there's a little pathway over here a little bridgelet all right cool well that's the next price of shite done and that's right out right in my

fucking eye holes. Ah, that branch twanged in my face. I know, but then I'd scratch the glass, wouldn't I? Yeah, but you'd better have scratched your eye, but... Oh, you know, then?

Well, I'm just saying. Well, maybe I shouldn't walk in the woods then. Maybe I shouldn't leave the house. Maybe a lot of the thing I shouldn't do to protect my eyes. Okay. All right? You've only got one working as well. That's true.

And I bang my other good eye then as well, so then I'd be blinding. And you'd have to get an angry, horny, drunk, blind man home. deal with that you're drunk that hit you didn't it really did i just didn't expect it to hit me as much as well yeah we did i'm gone let me put the mic in your mouth we had uh two gordon's and tonic tonic in the can you know like the standard yeah and then i split bed ice and then i split a pocket ngroni between those as well so it was a mix of gordon's and tonic with nigroney and it was

very pleasant it was actually pleasant i drank it too fast and now the funk climbs over my brain. The funk. The funk. Get the funk out. If you don't know what you do there, get your funk out. Right, okay.

Okay, it's getting dark now. We're in a spooky wood. So let's keep on marching. Hopefully it's only going to be a 20 minutes or so, so more. One more price of shite item. And then we can get out of it. All right, I promise. I'm sorry, Eli.

I'm so sorry. I just want to get out of now. Honestly. I think it's because we're away from London that I don't feel like, I feel more stranded than usual. Those roads. There's no actual route from the station. It's no roads.

There's no pavement. Anyway. But you could argue the roads might be quieter later. Is that an owl? It didn't sound like an owl. It sounded like a feral youth. Oh. Hopefully we're going to be turning right up here.

We are soon, yeah. Don't worry about it. right, let's carry on walking in this walking-based podcast that I have... Still some light in the sky. Still some light. It's only because of the woods that it feels darker, really, isn't it? Well, no. The sun is definitely on its way down.

No, I know that, but the woods does make it darker by default of it being obscuring of the sky. All right? Yeah. It's darker in the woods than it would be not in the woods. Thank you. Yes. It's all I wanted you to say. It's all spooky over there.

Fuck you now. It's actually really spooky here. You could see a figure from like miles off between the trees Like a red woman, that's the red bride or whatever, isn't it? No, that's not round there, it's plucked it tomorrow Oh, it's the wood, isn't it? No, it's just a screaming or something. I think I came to this wood erroneously.

I was sold this as the most haunted wood in England And actually I've heard no direct stories. What? It looks like a little well or something, doesn't it? It's hard to tell. A stone statue or something. Yeah. I don't know.

Do you want me to have a look? Oh no, it's a tree trunk. It just looks a bit bricky. Bricky, yeah. But no, it's a tree trunk, that, because the... We're going to go around to the right. Right, I'm just going to finish the segment off now because hands tired. Okay.

Hold me, Eli. I'm not going to hold you, never. I hold my hand and call me daddy, boy. I called you daddy earlier. You let me down. I didn't. Daddy protecting you? No, he didn't.

I'll look after your son. This is getting real weird. Let's get out of here. Right, this has gone from a bit dark to actually kind of scary fucking shit, your pants dark right now, hasn't it? It's spooky, isn't it? I told you to get like this. Go on, how much fucking chin do I need in that picture?

Jesus Christ! That's a terrifying photograph. mate let's just find a little place to the final price of shite and then we just can concentrate on walking i think we should get back to the car park and do it there no no there's a reason why i need to do it here and you'll see why when i get it out because it is my pista resistance okay all right and look look at this torch you brought it me good torch i have to admit are you happy with the halo of this torch it's nice i'm just i think we should get a taxi back to the station well Do you have a phone number for one?

I can find one, can't it? I haven't got any reception. We might have more reception there. I just think it's going to be a real slog. Look, here's the yellow thing. The yellow sign. Yellow brick road. So we're on our right way.

So how about... Do it just here? Do it here somewhere, yeah. Because this is going to be good. You still got no reception? I mean, not much. I mean, it pops in and out. See, these kind of roads that go through are much more...

pleasure than the actual yellow path do you know what I mean yeah I mean look at this is a junction but I mean this is the yellow path this is the way it goes right so yeah yeah look at what up there do you think that's the way out it's a way out it's not the way out is it apparently there's another exit up that way we where we were before it's a nice walk you can see why it's popular it's a nice circuit through the woods you know yeah still though Right, this is a perfect place, a crossroads. Would you like to see the final price of shite item? Yeah, man.

You can have to do me a favour, though. Can you hold this torch? Sure. All right, thank you. Because this... Come over here. This is the one I got from... Did I say Pinner, wherever it was?

I fucking went. No, Kilburn High Road. Kilburn High Road. Love it. You up there. My kind of town. It's a VR headset, everyone. No, it's not. It's binoculars, everyone.

It is a spy world. night vision goggles set with heat feature and Ghost Protocol yeah I've got it's got a memory card in so you can record see there's buttons on the side

so you can record footage there's that one and that one that was around six quid well I mean I'm not going to tell you how much obviously right now it's on night mode I'm going to turn it on let's see if it works

hang on I'm in night mode right does it work yeah it does I mean, yeah. There's three different modes.

There's thermal tech, which shows the heat. Can you see that? Yeah, I can see that. Hang on. Is it like predator style? I'm recording right now. It's recording predator style right now. I can see you.

Is that warming up there? Yeah. Can I do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, uh... What was that? That sounded like something. Well, I can't see anyone on my heat seeker.

I'll be able to see heat signatures on this. Really? Yeah, because it's a heat thing in my jig. Why did I disown elongated it? And then there's another setting, which one is it? Oh, I can't do it when I'm recording. There's another setting which is like ghost protocol or something, which is just another shit night vision.

Anyway, let me... What's the difference between the two night business? Have a go. Well, one's like green night vision like you'd expect. Night vision like you'd expect. What's it on at the moment? Normal night vision mode. Slow.

You can fix it with the zoomy thing and stuff. Sorry, I just didn't show you where the buttons are. It's like that one, I think, is zoom and focus. This one? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So I don't know how well it is you can see or anything. Pretty good.

But if I tap the paddle once, it goes to the thermal. Hang on. Has it gone blue? Look at me now. Look at me now. Oh my God. How is this technology just available now? It just is.

It's crazy. man. That is crazy. You're totally thermal. Wow. And then the last setting, which is the one I'm not impressed with, is this one. It's like ghost protocol or ghost vision or something. It's basically, yeah, that's exactly what it's a negative image. That's still pretty cool as an effect. Yeah. But, I mean, that is pretty cool because you can see everything that's dark in light. Yeah.

I thought we could use it to look at stuff in it. the dark. I'll have the torch back a minute. Because, uh, hang on. You need my guess, though? Hang on, I'm going to record night mode for a bit. Right, I'm recording on night mode vision. Can't see much up there.

All right. Oh yeah, I can see you. Here he goes. He's sucking on his vape pen. You can just see it lighting up. Can I see the breath coming out? No, a little bit, not much. I'll tell you what, I'll stop recording

and then I'll move on to, uh, heat furniture furniture one heat furniture right I'm recording on heat thermal

version now look at this no you can't see the heat really hello I can see your soul ebbing away from your body

oh something happened then oh you flashed the torch at it that's why it blinded it out wow look at this let's go

I want to see if I can see any other one people here make my prize guess. Oh, this, is that people over there? Was that you? Where? Oh no, it's you.

Christ, I shat my pants there. I honestly thought I saw a ghost figure in the woods. Look, you get a window on this torch. You see this window? Yeah. Is that when you just push it front and back? Yeah, something like that. It's normal.

It's a good normal one. And then if you pull it out. If you pull it out, you get like a window effect. Yeah. It's much further. Yeah. Come on then. It's exciting in it.

I think that was six quid. Hang on. Six. I'm getting $7.99. How do you say again? 799. 799. How much have you spent so far?

250, one pound, 180. So that's what all together. 1, 2, 3, 50. It's 520. 520. And it was 5, 10, 50 altogether? Yeah. So what do you think?

What are you going to say then? It's great. I can see in the dark. I'm going to revise pigs down to 199. 199, all right. I stick with the quids gambit on the ice crusher. Right. What was the other thing?

The potato. Did you tell me the price of the... Yes, I did. I forgot it. Yeah, I told you. I'll tell you what, how about we just wrap it up and you can have a guess again? It doesn't really fucking matter, does it?

How much you want to say for this, preliminally? Hey? Like $7.99. You're saying $7.99? Yeah. All right, okay. $7.99 going back in the bag. Get in, you fucking cunt.

I'm not saying. I'm going to say $5.99. 599. 599. Is that what you're... I mean, you can see... For now. You've got up until the train station

to lock in your... That's a good point. Don't go away with the torch. I want to make sure I haven't dropped anything here. Am I all zipped up at the back? Mate, you're a very poor wing... Give it here. You're useless.

Utter useless human being. Garbage man. Better. You see, I can see now. There's dog tods. Who cares? There's that. And I'm all...

Zipped up at the back. Yeah. I told you you were. What? What was I? It's up at the back. Thank you. Honestly useless.

The path's better here. Pass better here. Right. I'm actually... Must be slightly higher ground, I reckon. Yeah. Seems to be... Because on the other side,

the path was very much... Very much... Running alongside streams and rivulets. You know? Yeah. Mate. I think when we get to the... where we have another little JD.

You'd have a Jack Daniels. How about that? Warm us up, aren't it? Well, we have to get to the car park now, right? We've done all the price of shites. Do you think you've got two episodes? I don't know, no more. I don't know no more. There's definitely two episodes, mate.

And I'm going to be, when I'm in Florida, I'm going to be doing recordings for Cheap Show. You better. A little audio diary for all you Cheapeskates out there. All you cheap. You watch, he comes back with three minutes of all unusable, fucking audio footage. No, no.

What's going to be? All you Cheapskates and Cheaps and cheaperettes. That's what I call the female ones now. Cheapettes. Cheaperettes. I don't like that. All right. Well, then you've lost the privilege. It was like a dog or something. That's a strip. Oh, bench. Bench. Bench. Bench.

Do you want to have a Jack Daniel's ear? A quick one. Let's have a quick one. Come on. Right, you don't have to listen to us, drink. We have to just drink. So how about that? If we're going to do that then. Right. We're going to have a little. little sniffer in the woods. We're not going to see any ghosts, are we? Nothing. No supernatural entities. Bullshit. Cods wallop. Right. Okay, let's get our drink on, mate. Come on.

Why are you on your phone? Get off your phone. You're fighting everyone. The world can be burning, but right now it's me and you in the woods. I know. Isn't that fucking sad for both of us? Really, that's the real reality of this, isn't it? That's the reality of this. This is a sad moment for both of us. Let's try and obliviate our minds a bit and get more pissed. We hate ourselves. No, because you hate yourself and I hate you. And I hate you. Come on, let's have a drink now.

Do you. Wait, have I pressed something here? Hang on. Okay, fine. Yeah, da da da da da da da da da da da da. We're nearly at the end now. We had a lovely little jack die. I put coffee in my Jack Daniels.

Oh mate, want to hear the gals. Okay, I'll stop it. That fucking comes in. I love that. It grows on me that tune so much. It's just so quiet. I want to see if I can hear an owl. I was gonna piss in the road here. Alright. Ooh. That was a crow or something. That was a crow or something.

That was a bit... that sounded big point. Don't look at me. Oh, you're doing it right there. I didn't know you were doing it right there. Sorry. No, that's fine, but I didn't know you were doing it right next to me. Is that too any issue? That's the advantage. I guess that's fine. It's just as I say. Is that enough episodes for you? No. Fuck you now. I mean, you're the ones pissing right next to me.

What do you want me to do? Well, I just thought you could have said... Hey, what you could have said is, mate, I'm going to take a piss right here. Do you want to stand next to me or walk away? You love it. You love the tinkle and the winkle. And a little niggil. Nibble on the wibble?

Known boy on the whirles? Is that the name of your fucking autobiography? No. It's the sad case of a publisher who doesn't want a book. What's that? I can hear the world's smallest violin out there. It's like flying around. That was a good joke, though.

Yeah, it's all right. But considering you're the world's smallest man, I'm sure it's quite big. I only wish good things for you in your book, man. No, you don't. You told me in private that you're glad that it's a bit of failure. You love watching me struggle. As if I would say that to you and you believe me

that we'd still be working together. Yeah. We're not. We're not. What's that part there? It's not the path. This is the yellow. It literally, that sign there, right, little nub in there, mate, said yellow this way. I think we should keep to it.

I'll tell you that much. I'll tell you that much. I'm very much having a problem with reality right now. What do you mean? Well, because I'm a little drunk. And also, my whole field of vision is the cone of light from my torch. And the rest of it is blackness. I knew it would be like this. That's just how we haven't made some kind of error.

And we're not walking back into the... See, that's the other way it can be. Do you like that better? No, actually, this... This way is scary, I think, for some reason. When it's narrow. Yeah, it's more long distance, isn't it? Yeah, because you're not getting the focal point in the middle where it's kind of unsettling.

Yeah, yeah. Right in that focal point. Oh, live run. Well, where would you go, though? I don't know. I'd cry for a bit. I would cry. I'd cry.

I'd cry. I think we're all right. I actually find car, like, plane accidents. It's more scary than anything supernatural. Okay. I think that's a legitimate. And you're going on a plane, aren't you food? Yes.

So you might have that. happen it might happen yes is it a Boeing no I think it's an airbus they've had a fair deal share of deals they've had their fair deal accidents so heard it here what's this this is a bench here's a scary bench it's got some of the plaque maybe I'm gonna have a look at this bench let's see what Paul has to say about this bench it says in loving memory of Fred and Joan Nash loving parents grandparents and friends fair enough that's all that's all nothing nothing funny to talk about there funny or anything I'm Much respect to that.

Dead couple. Shut up, man. Oh, it's true. Did you ever go see my mate Dylan's bench? Yes, your bench. You brought it up every time we go past it. Sorry. It's fine.

I just cut it out. I still agree. You cut it out. Mostly. Such a downer man. People die. Paul, you have to accept it. I know people die.

You have to... I do accept it. Of course. You have to accept it. So you need to... What? You think I've got an unhealthy relationship with the idea of death? I do. To a certain extent. Yeah, I agree.

Okay. There you go. And is that what this whole sort of ghost supernatural thing is about as well? Is it related to? No, I don't think so, actually. It's getting pretty boggy now, man. It's getting boggy. Yes, it's this way. This is pretty bad, man.

Yeah. I'm not going to say this is our worst walkabout, but it might be our worst walkabout. No, in terms of nothing happening. No, in terms of like, I think when I thought I'd go to the scary woods, there'd be more to report. But actually, it's just woods. It's just woods. Plain.

Look at that code in the sky of light. It's actually quite impressive. All right, we're getting there, mate. We're heading home now. Oh, great. Jesus, it was a little muddy patch there, mate. Yeah. We're on the firmer underfoot.

I know her. Oh yeah, firmer underfoot. I'm terrible. She's got terrible. What is it? Pong about a... About a fanny. It's the thing with Eli.

When a woman's unclean, the root causes it, a quim. It's all the characters you do. I'm hanging on to you, man. Psychologically, what do you think that says more about you? That you find women unclean. No, I don't think that's true. I think that's true. No, that's not true.

I just think I have a weird relationship with death because... This is bad. Shh. I'm going over there. Go over there. Yeah, that was clever. Because it's too brushy over here.

Yeah, sorry. Right now, we're not even joking. This is super dark, pitch black. I'm glad I brought this torch. And it's super muddy as well. I mean, it's got to be somewhere in here. Mate, what if this is Blair Witch? Shit.

And we're just going to go round in, round in, around in circles forever and then you end up facing the corner of a little cabin because this is the perfect place for it in it oh this is too mucho splo mudo splasho oh I think it's getting firmer again up here you keep having no look with that I'm crossing back over it's for better here it's drier on this side yeah so we I don't know. It's got to be soon. Hang on. Let me focal. I don't know, actually.

It doesn't look good at all. We went the wrong way. We haven't gone the wrong way because this is still on the yellow route. There's still the yellow arrows. Arrows. What was that? That looked like something. There's nothing. That was fucking horrendous. I must be muddy as fuck. Right. I think we're going to close though, mate. So let's just get through this.

it's the JD. That's not banana notes. No, no, no. I think it leaves banana notes in your mouth. Yeah, maybe. No, no. You walked into me. Yeah.

Like medicine banana flavour. Medicine banana. Flavour. That type of medicine ball that's shaped like a banana? No. Right, now we've got to pick another side. Cross over. Right.

You're following me, everyone. March. March. We on. We go. Talk about selling D. fucking trail. All we've done is walk in a triangle

and yet it's been the hardest walk I've done in ages. It's just nuts. It's just too far out. It's just too far out, man. This is old school Britain. Ancient woodland, mate. It's an ancient woodland. Is this it? Is this it?

It doesn't look like. Well, we're still on the yellow path. There's the little finger. There's the ticker. There's the sign. Yeah, I see the sign. I see no car park, man. I see no car park, man. Oh, what's up that way?

We'll never know. Oh mate, this is just fucking bad, bad, bad, bad. Right, you know what? We need to stop broadcasting and focus on walking. Look at that. That looks good, doesn't it? That looks like the way out. You need to check your phone.

There's that path that we were going to go up. I heard the torch. No, this is fine. We're here. It's this way. Look, there's the yellow marker. We can't go wrong because there's the yellow marker. Don't fall in that fucking fire.

I'm not going to. Oh, you do it. Right, we're going to concentrate on walking. You're just flashing it around like a wake up, please. Well, that's because you're ahead of me, isn't it? Right, shut up, I'm pressing record stop. It's crying. Everyone, Eli,'s having a big crazy, crazy baby time.

Oh, yeah, come on. You've got attacked by a moth. Eli's scared. Oh, we're lost, we're lost. Oh, it's all over. It's all I'm just going to lie in the ditch and die, as I predicted. Although I keep thinking we're going to get there and we're not there yet. This has got to be.

Why? No, this is with the yellow arrow points. I don't know what else you want me to say. It says follow the yellow arrows and we've been doing it. Shut up. Shut up. You did. You totally took this the wrong way today. This is nothing to do with it.

I think so. It's getting there. I'm going to walk away. How about this? How about that? Leave you alone in the dark. Hey? Do you like it in the dark?

Hey? Cund. There it is. It's it. It's here. It's right here. I can see the posts. Knob Ed. It's right here, knobbed. Got you. Gannon knew best after all. Gannon knew it all best. I'm frightened when I go home. I'm just got to fucking ditch him. Cunt. I'm going to ditch that cunt. I'm going to ditch that cunt. I've got the fucking train tickets. What are you going to do about it? Fucking nothing. Oh yeah and this is where we came off the path. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So mate. Oh, we're here. All right. Happy now, baby. Yeah, look, there it is. What a fucking shit hole. Now, do you want to go through this way so we can go back via that style so you can see if your book's there? Then let's do that. It's just up here. There's the park. We'll see. Find one. We need to get a phone reception.

I'm happy to walk it because I'm not a baby do do do do do do do do do do do so anyway at least we've reached the exit finally after walking around and this is just I'm sorry I'm sorry for this week's episode

mate and last weeks I guess do you have fun though yes It actually is fun, weirdly enough, isn't it? It's because we're a bit lost and scared. We just got to keep an eye on this side. It's definitely the way. Yeah.

You didn't see no fucking pink wellie, did we? No. No children's pink wellie. No one else's pink wellie. No wellies were noted upon this trip. So we just got to go to the far corner because we're bound to find it. I'm sick of the mud, man. Well, don't worry.

We've got loads of road to walk back. Let's not do that. Let's get a taxi, man. Here's the problem with that. I don't have any money for a taxi on me. And there's no cash machines, I think you've noticed. And I don't know if they'll use pay. You're in your account.

Mate, they might not use fucking chipping pin whatever. We're in the fucking Kent. You'd be surprised. When I went to Hem or Hempstead, they didn't. I had to fucking... I had to pay with cash from a cash machine. Drop us there. Drop us at Cache London somewhere.

Jesus. I'm walking back. If you want to get a taxi, you could fucking do it himself. I think here's the style. I think we're going to see if Eli's lost his book here or not. Let's find out, shall we, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen. Is it here? Is it here?

I'm getting close to it so I don't go past it. Going this way. I'm going this way. Yeah, it's this way. Because the little pathway is this way. It's kind of unsettling. Let's see if I can find Eli's book before he's. turns up I'll save the day and then Eli won't be angry at me anymore for making

him do some fucking exercise I just have a horrible feeling we've missed the mr. mr. the bend and as a result we're walking alongside the fence you know what I mean maybe we should have just I know there me that's it oh no I just want to go home I know there's a little sign there that says junction so okay it must be this must be right okay I think I've lost Eli at all. Is it here? Is it here?

Is it here? This wood goes on for fucking ever. Jesus wept. I'm sorry that this is mostly me right now and not Eli. But I just want to get out of this fucking wood. Find this style. See if he's left his fucking book there. Get out.

It's all I want to do. I had noise. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes. Okay, great. I'm not stressing no more because I can see the exit. Okay, let's get here, see if he lives books here. Mate, is that his book?

And his shades. Oh, how about that then? I can see him. His little light darting in between the trees. Where are you? Where are you? Why are you going the hard way? Oh, well.

You're the coward. You're the coward. Well, guess what I found? You found it. Where was it? Where was it? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I've literally not touched it.

That's how it is, so you must have just left it there. Look at that. Take a photo of that. I've already done it. But by all means, take your own if you want. That's so funny. That's so funny. Let's get out of it.

Let's get out of here. Get your book and go, mate. Fucking hell, man. Right, we're going to go back on the road. In your bag? Yeah. Right, bear with me. Right, we're getting back on the road.

This is where the real nightmare. That's terrifying. I find that terrifying sound. Right, we're walking on the road, and Eli's fighting like a big baby Jesse. And I don't care. I'm brave and I'm a man. And I'm full of Jack Daniels and gin and Capari

and a couple of smokes. And we're walking on the road. Ribina. Yeah, we'll do it at the station. We'll talk about Ribina then, Eli. When Eli's happy and safe and he's not having a big baby moment. Shut up. It's just...

Don't you just... It's at least two hours? It's not two hours. Because we know where we're going and because we're going to faff about, we're not going to take any side roads. It means that this walk, if we don't doodle, should take 40 to 45 minutes, all right? It's a nightmare.

Oh, it's only a nightmare for the unfitting lazy. Oh, my God. Oh my god, the hypocrisy of you. For someone like me who's agile, sexual, you know, whatever. Look at this drake. How are we going to avoid this car? You stop and you step to the side. It's kind of that simple baby. See? He didn't beep or anything, did he? Oast house.

Anyway, it is very dark and to be fair, I'm not completely sure what we're doing is legal. but there's no pavement to what we meant to do. Mate, you see the fog coming up over the fucking hill. It's crazy atmospheric out here. Anyway, look, this is just a little update to say we're walking on a road in the pitch black and heading back to the station. And there's some cars coming past. And then I raise my torch again so I don't blind the driver.

It's called being a responsible walking man. What? Take this right up here? No. What do we do? It's very obvious. we're obviously where the rights and left are, so just follow daddy. Do you want to follow daddy? Do you trust daddy? Yes, we do at some point.

But do you want to trust daddy? No, I don't anymore because it's just been miserable, hasn't it? I mean, luckily I've got the buddha mind so I can... Bugger mind? Yes, I've got a bugger mind. What does that mean? It means I'm obsessed with bumming you, but I will never do it because that will ruin my obsession, Paul. That's why I just, that's why I do everything I do. I'll do anything for love. But, mate, I won't do that. I would do that.

I would do that. I've done that. I've done that. How about that? Learned something about me. Oh, my God. How about that? Revee.

Too much. University. I am. I've stopped. I've stopped. Too much. Anyway, I had it once up the bum and it was fine, but wasn't for me. Moving on.

Like a fish cake. Like a fish cake? Yeah, it's not for me, is it? Oh, I see. I thought you were actually comparing... What, being bummed to fish fish? To a fish. I mean, there's all sorts of different types of fish cake in the world as well.

Yeah, yeah. It's a ditch. Anyway, that's it. We're heading back to Pluckley Station now. With a little bit of luck, nothing untoward will happen between now and then. Talk about nightbassing. Jesus. This is night walking.

Look at this. This is nothing. There's nothing here. It's just mist and fog. And the occasion. car right I'm dipping my light he dip your torch down when a car goes by oh God stop it stop complaining stop it hey I get it I'm on almost on the same page but just shut up now let's just get home all right no you get a cab I'm gonna walk it I'm

gonna commit to this whole endeavor of walking there and walking back and that's fine if you don't want to join me in that Just saying You're a dickhead Let's not do this kind of walkabout again Maybe not Keep it in the city limits We've got what we're doing that Liverpool one this year finally

Yeah that'll be nice That'll be nice But maybe yes Paul In an effort to try and You know bolster something new within the show And do something daring May you've overreached

That's fine That's what I'm saying But what I don't need to hear is criticisms from a guy who puts little to no effort into anything he does full stop. It is true. If it isn't easy, you don't do it. It is true. It absolutely is true. If it's not on a plate, you don't eat it. Think what you like. Think what you like.

Look at the sky. You know what? I wish we could just take a moment and just look up at the sky. No, you wanker. I was actually trying to look for a beautiful moment then, you fucking cuns. Because the run-up was a huge, like, deconstruction, wasn't it? No, I just wanted to say, wouldn't it be nice if we could just sit in a field and stare at that for a bit? Oh, right, okay then.

Your fucking moods do my heading. And actually, I genuinely hope a car hit you. You're a dicket. What? What am I looking at? What do you want to look at? Which one? You can see the big dipper.

You can see a little. Yes. It's very clear night tonight. You can see the stars. The stars are shining out tonight. And these are just because we're so far out of town. Oh, yes. Because there's no light pollution.

Oh, God. Yeah. Right. I'm turning this off. I'm just going to shut up and not talk to each other until we get to Pluckley Station. All right?

Because honestly, your attitude's fucking me off. I got out, Juanu, can't do it. So sad, let's not. You're such a fucking cunt. This is a nightmareish, seven. and mild journey. This is reminding me of like, you know, like David Lynch's lost highway.

It's got that vibe. That's... Look at the cars come around the edge and you just see the beam. Yeah, and it's really bad. Oh, shut up. Shut up. If it was illegal,

they'd all be beeping their owns. As it stands, this is a stretch of road that needs to be pedestrianised. So say I. Right, can I stop this fucking recording now? Thank you. It is so hauntingly dark right now.

There's a few houses to the left and the right, but they are swamped in mist, but everything else is just black. It's not mist here as we've been walking, hasn't it? We were marking on the stars, and you can't see fuck all now. You can see fuck all. Crazy.

We've really hit a fog pack. Yeah. It's like there's just nothing. Even my torch is like just, like a beacon, it's like a shaft of white light oh look at that coming over the hill is it a monster is it a monster no it's just a car who probably thinks we're dick edsford walking along this road but he's slowing down to be fair to him he slowed down to be fair consider it but we have walked about half an hour

we're past the uh pork farm place where he like by God, as expensive, Cox, Apple drink. And now, we're honestly, I think, 10 minutes away from the station. Because we get to the, we get, I'll tell you. It can't be that much more, though, because it's like. Make sure that guy doesn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, look, it's fine. Eli's just going to check his phone.

It's strange when the cars come over the landscape, over the horizon. The whole lost skylights up with the mist. So, I mean, I don't burn another internet black spot. It's not saying. Oh, here we go. Okay. I mean, yeah, 10, 15 minutes, 16 minutes, 16 minutes is about right. But it's so...

It's kind of, I mean, we are out of the woods, but we're not out of... Fucking hell, mate. I've never been out this late in a place in the country, that's this dark. It's ludicrous, is. It's ludicrous. I kind of love it, though. Just get back to the station, man. It's all very keep to the roads, boys. You know what I mean?

It's like very much American Whirling in London. There's another car, but yeah, hopefully we're not too far away from Pluckley Station now, which is good because all that booze I drank has the fun has ebbed away. What? Why? You play music and it's too loud and besides it's my podcast and everyone loves me. I've turned it right. That's not true and I've told you that if you want. I'm the lovable one. I'm the one that we're The twinkle in his eye and joy in his heart.

That is not what you think. You're such a weird guy. I'm the best one in Cheap Show. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just an enabler for Eli's. I'm just so you're enabler, aren't I? Do you think if we hadn't started the podcast, you'd be dead by now?

No, I do not. There's a chance, but I don't think it would be much greater than the chance already. You know what I mean? I reckon. Change the odds of me being dead, really. I reckon I'd be dead by now. If you hadn't started it? Yeah.

Really? Well, that's nice of Eli saving your life then, isn't it? By being in your... Oh, don't read it that way. I would hate you to misunderstand. Paul Gannon and what he's saying here. What is he saying? I don't know.

Exactly. You never can... I'm going to be blatantly obvious. I'm going to be blatantly honest with the audience and you. I'm trying to create content to warrant this being a two. part episode. We've been in the woods. You didn't like any of the things we did. It's a podcast. I don't. It's not as I care. I know they do. All every week. I know you care. That's cool, but come on. There's a moth.

I'm so fucking paranoid about the two episode thing. Yeah. Put this on me. Every year you put this on me. I'm just going on holiday to see my family. I'm off to see this. You'll be all right. You don't even like them, you say to me. All the time. It's like, oh, I dread go. over. I do not. The alcohol abuse and the drug taking and the inter-family violence is just too much for me. Everyone heard last time and everyone loved it. All right? Footpath. I wonder if that footpath is related to the one that we didn't. We passed that one. I saw that earlier, right? That's the one we saw earlier. I don't even know if that was a footpath. It's very confusing. It's not very clear. It's not clear at all. This is the most remote

scary place we've ever gone to love it love this beware lorry's turning works entrance in constant use yes because the quarries up that way rolling stones on the podcast will someone do a strike on it

on YouTube should I turn it off no I don't think the level it's at and the volume the fact that we're talking I don't think it will pick it up I'm just you know no I know you're aware of it but at this point mate 10 years in who gives a fuck we do what we want we do what we want for better or for worse I'm just going to turn this off now

this is the ebbs and dregs of this fucking idea of mine yeah that's fine that's fine I'm fine with I'm getting out the way I think that's the station I think that's the station though just because that's the bridge in it and shit so after a good. I don't know, 40 minute walk. We are finally at our destination with Buckley Station. I don't know where this episode falls in the gamut of Cheap Show walk about episodes. Some are obviously much better than others. But this is very mid. This feels like a mid episode. Eli, where are you? How you doing? I'm knackered. my feet are quite sore

and if you don't mind me saying so something's not knocking on Evan's door if you don't know what I mean if you don't know what I mean mate you have no idea since we walked up that road the last like 10 minutes

it's just no can I poo in your apple jar thing apple bottle that's a shame it's got a white It's a shame, no, it's there. It's a shame because it's got a wide neck your bottle,

so I thought it might take one of my girthy droppings. I mean, it could, but you didn't really want to do that. It would be difficult. Have you ever tried to poo in a bottle or anything? Yeah, sure I have. Do you ever tell you about when I pooed in that rock pool? No. Yes, I did.

Well, tell me now. And it bobbed up, and there were people on the stairs going down to the beach, and they all laughed at me because they could see it bobbing. They saw your bobbing little dropping bobbing. Dropping bobbing. I did tell you that. I can't remember anything no more. I've got the mention Eli's got to have a stroke.

That's how it's going to end for Cheap Show, everyone. If this is a pub, why isn't it open? I don't get it. Yeah, this is... Yeah, plenty of time. I think we're going to have to kill her now if you be... No. Weird.

I guess it is, yeah, you're right. This is a footpath. There's a footpath. Path. I know. Anyway, it must be one of those kind of, maybe it's like an Airbnb hotel kind of thing. You know, like where we stay with Biffo, that's time for the haunted church. It's just not open on a Monday, I don't think. It didn't even look like a pub much though. It does. You can see the like the hygiene sticker in the windows. No, no, I see all that stuff. But like if you're walking past it, nothing about it says pub, really.

It just looks like... You can't see in on the ground floor. Kind of tudery kind of building. And the sign looks very old. Maybe it is close. And it just does Airbus. B&B now, you're right. I mean, I don't know. Look at that face of that guy there by that house. That's a green man. Yeah, weird. Well, that's what they love around here, isn't it? He's been stalking us, isn't he?

The green man. All night. Do you know, look at this. This is kind of surreal. I mean, I know the term lynching is thrown about willy-nilly. It's crazy, yeah. But right now. It's because of the mist.

Extra atmosphere. Hang on, hang on. There's a train. Beep-Bob. Not a train car. Right, my brain is just not, haven't it? We've still got Rybina to do on the train. Well, we can do it here, can we? No.

I mean, that lamp post with the fog, it's very ecstasystasy. Yeah, I'm going to get a shot of that. You get a shot of a lamppost, mate. Fill your boots. Station's just here, finally. But it's hard to explain, because photographs I don't think we'll, like, cover it, but like, it's got this kind of 80s neon misty vibe thing going on.

Well, like, you can just imagine this John Cartman's about to kick in. about to kick in and the shape just behind a tree, the mask and the knife glinting from a street light. I mean the station, I mean, mate, this is just weirdly barren. But obviously not because you've got like a house is here just for just normal council. Not even council houses, just normal housing. How about this shot? I reckon this one's pretty good. Yeah, but it's got me in it. Yeah, exactly. That's why it's good, isn't it?

All right, well at least we're at the station At least we won't miss a train Well, it is Well done We've only got 14 minutes of a train No, we don't have 40 minutes We have an hour It's, when's our train?

Well, I'm going to find out now But I'm pretty sure it's like 8.30 Train trip, 237 it leaves Oh my God, we've got ages Yeah, we have, repeat it with me, an hour Almost an hour, not quite Give or take Repeat it with me

Shut up I don't think We have to chill out here for an hour We can chill here We'd have to record everything we do. But let's just chill. We have a biff. We have to go to the other fucking park.

Yeah, but that's like a one minute walk tops. Where are we going to have a biff around? Anywhere. Mate, on the lamppost next to the thing, it's like we've got options. It's just that right now we're in like... This is ridiculous, man. A train station where there's no one around. There is at least two people around.

Someone in the car there can hear it. But it's not like we're on the underground, you know? I'm just saying it's quiet. It's desolate. No one's going to book us. I know. So? So I'm happy.

Is there a train that goes before? Yeah, but we can't get that because the tickets I bought are predicated on the deal that I got them for. So I don't think we can get an early one, or I don't think we can. Just get it. You'll say, oh, no.

I'm going to. You ask all you like. No, I'm going to. Charing Cross, 2037, Platform 1 on time. How much is it? does it cost to go to, let's say, Charing Cross. Beep, bop, beep, pop. Charing, Christ.

Well, the only Charing Cross it's given me is Glasgow. Wait, is there another one? Chowtonham, Chessington, Chippin and Chorley. Yeah, it's the first one. There you go every year. Well, there's not, we're not going to Glasgow though, are we? Just put London terminals, you moron, God. Yeah, and it says 25 quid.

Yeah. I'm not paying 50 quid to take us home when it cost us 45 to get here. I take my chances. Anyway, it's all academic because there's no train before then anyway. Well, there we go. Apart from the delayed 1937, which we should so get. We should so get that. Here it comes.

We should so get that. No, I don't want to fuck about. I'm not in the mood. I'm happy to chill. I'm fact, it's coming that way anyway, so it's not going the way we want. It's not the trade. The train don't exist. It's not existing.

There's people here getting off. Why would you get off here? Because you live here. Oh, yeah. See how many people? How many people? That's ever guess. I'm going to say two.

Nobody on that train. Two get off tops. I just saw four people on the train. They're not getting off. I don't think anyone's getting off. We don't know, do we? Let's see. He's not getting off.

That's one. But that person works for the train, so that doesn't count. No. Here's one person. One. All right, that's one. See if there's anyone down there. Yeah, we're going on.

That's two. All right, that's two. So how many did I say two? So any more than that? And bust. Oh, that's three. Still. Still.

Still. Not, four people. Not that many. It's cool around here, isn't it? Come on then. Let's go and have a bifter. You got enough? Have you got any coffee left? Yeah, I've got loads of coffee left. I need a strip of that, man. All right? Let's go sit down and just chill. All right? All right, love. Let's go do that. We'll come back and we'll do us some of. Why does it feel more epic today? for some reason. I don't know. I think it's because we're out of London outside of our boundaries.

Like, you can we did LA? I got totally muddy, but then it got washed off by the grass. Yeah, all the wet grass shit. These are wrecked. My shoes are wrecked. I did tell you to bring appropriate shoes. I did.

Well, then you're all right. These were ruined last time already. So don't mind. But aren't they leaky, though. No. Oh, no, no. I didn't get... You got wet in those,

and those are, didn't you? No, these aren't well. It's because I splash in a puddle and it went up and over. Well, then up and through. Yeah, but it did go in, didn't it? Yeah, it went in. No, it went in.

The wetness went in. It went in, but it didn't go in via failure of the shoe. It went in by vali of the sock. Yes, by the depth of puddle you were in. Yeah, and length of sock. I know what you're saying. I understand what you're saying. Right.

I'm going to go and find somewhere to sit down, have a fag and drink this coffee. There's plenty of places. Being a Billy Bell End. I'm going to sit over. I'm going to stand by that lamppost. and look arty and cool. And try and figure out a way to kill an hour.

It's all very quiet here now. Oh, we didn't, so here we are. Me and Eli outside Pluckley Station. The mist has rolled away now. That misty fog bank's just gone now. It's just clear and still and quiet. It's not clear. There's still a fair amount of mist,

but it was fog before. I just fucking let it go. Just let it go. I'm just saying it's not clear now. It's clearer. It's clearer now. Thank you. And it's still and it's quiet.

Do you want to complain about that now? Is it not still enough for you? It's still and quiet. Yes, I'd agree with that. I just, my senses. Anyway, let's do the price of shite roundup. We'll do it right now. Item one, right, was the past the pigs game.

Remember last week when you did that? How much? I remember, it's £10.50 overall. So let's start from scratch. You've seen them all now, past the pigs. How much? I'm not chessing again. You want to stay?

You've got the fucking thing on your fucking phone, haven't you? Well, you said... Initially, you said 250. And then you changed it later on, and I wasn't listening properly, so I don't know what you changed it to. 199. 199. Yes. Can I just give you a favour?

Nothing is 99 or 89P. It's either on the nose or it's 50, right? Two pounds. Two pounds. Two pounds. The next one was the ice crushing device. One pound. And you're going to say one pound.

That's the quid's gambit. Yes. The next one is the... pickler device, the metal beard kettle pickling thing. Pickling, metal. Maybe when we get to a proper reception, I'll do another lens thing. How much you think that was? 150.

150, right? And finally, the spy, kids, camera, night vision, goggles, thermal vision device. How much do you think that was? 6 pounds. 6 pounds. Right. Here's what it was. First item, past the pigs.

That was the quid's gambit. That was one pound. That's crazy. That's crazy cheap for that. A lot of shit. Big sticker saying one pound on it and that was that. Wow. Nothing there, unfortunately. They got himself a bargain.

Totally new. Oh no, I know. That's why I kind of grabbed it because I thought he would throw you off. Someone's present just said, I'm like, oh, no, no. I'm sick of past the pigs. Past the Pugs. Now we're talking. I never seen Paisal. Pugs in person.

I've never seen past the Pugs in person. I either. I couldn't think of another P-word. No. Right, okay, so second one, therefore, was the ice crusher, yeah? And that was... Fucking, I've got no... £2.50.

$2.50 for that. The little pickler thing... That was the thing I think I overpaid for, but I had to get it because I thought you'd like it. And I was right. Three quid? Two pound. What did I say, 150?

Yeah. I've got no bett swings, have I? No bet twings. And finally... The SpyCAM thing. Incredible. I got from Pinner. I got it from that shop gratuity or gratify or whatever it's called where you can...

It's just, you remember, we went in and it's just everything everywhere. And you named the price. So I said to them, they said, how much do you want that for that? And I went, Fiver? You went, Fiver, really? So I paid a fiver for it. How much does it go for in the shops? I mean, originally, I think it went for 40 quid.

But it came out in 2016, 2017 that. But it was minting box. It was unsealed and all tired. It hadn't been touched in a decade almost. It has all those visual effects that actually, it's crazy. And you put a memory card in it and you record bits. So it is a video camera as well, essentially. Not a very good one, but yeah.

You can only record as much as the quality of your memory card, right? Yeah. So I didn't put it, I only put a 30 gig in, so I don't think I got much. I did film some stuff. There is going to be a video version of this eventually on YouTube. It's going to be for Patreon.com forward slash cheap show if you want to support this podcast and get loads of fun stuff like that early. But yeah, I'm going to cut some of that stuff in because I tested it the other day to make sure you could actually get stuff off the...

Yeah, they've come out to have a look at us, haven't they? Okay, let's go. There's a house right next to the station, and I think we've accrued suspicion. So we're going to wrap up. I've had a bit more coffee. We've both had a bit of a smoke. We still have to do the hot Rivina. We don't have to.

I guess we don't, but we can do it on the train as a nice kind of bye-bye, nice kind of thing, right? that should be what we should do with that so we're packing up the train is coming into the platform in the next like 15 minutes so the next time you hear us may be on the train but Eli no betwiings for you today

but I think you'll agree it was a nice selection of items if nothing else yeah not a bad haul good I want that pickling thing that tea pickler metal thing definitely I might even when we get into making some pickles at home do you yeah you get all this stuff that you can do them real quick

like in a day You just chop up some of some of the compute cucumber, get some of this powder stuff. You can get the Japan Centre. Maybe use that. Yeah, yeah. I'm just a bit wary of putting metal into my food. You know what I mean?

It's strange. See, when I got it, I didn't translate it first. I was just like, oh, this isn't interesting, picked up. And then I translate, it's like, really, it does this? You know what I thought it might be? Because it was quite similar to that milk boiler, that thing that prevents the milk from boiling over, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, it's weird. It's like at a certain temperature. It's awesome to rattle it on the bottom of the power. And it does work. Weirdly, I did try it. It did work. But it is just like a weird, like, slice of glass, basically, isn't it?

But, yeah. Anyway, look, no petwings for Eli, but, you know, well played, all the same. Ultimately, not too far off, but just outside of the Erpa Twing realm, really. Right, let's go to the platform. You know, but it's like a wild card, isn't it, if you go to that shop and you say, you know,

and they're just going, that's okay. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, that's the whole thing. You can dump anything there. and they'll sell it and then you can pay anything you want for it and does support charities as well

is that the great charity um good system man that's proper old drip store sort of vibe I like that I like that how much do you want to pay for it providing a prick about it yeah like for instance when I was there two old Irish ladies came in

trying to buy a cabinet but it was like it was like in two parts but it was sold as one thing right but she was like I only want the tap pat and the one was going well it all comes together and it might be hard. I only want the tap part. I'll give you a fibre for it.

It's a bit more than, I'll give you a tap part for a favour. And it was like really bullish. And eventually she went, no, you have to take the whole thing. Anyway, well, I'm not taking that shit. And then walked out. Oh my God.

So anyway, listen, I think even though this was meant to be a day in the woods, this feels more like a day walking in the road. It really does. Dangerous road. Muddy, dangerous, no pavement with cars coming at you. At you, like Cleopatra. I kept thinking, like,

if someone just had a, murderous turn just now. They might just go, ah! You know? They were checking their phone for text messages of that one moment. No, no, I was aware of it. There was even a point where I was like messaging someone

and I was looking down and I realised I haven't looked up in ages and a car could have just swung out and got me. It was naughty of me. Right, have I got everything? Got my phone, wallet and charger. Miss rolled out. Miss rolled out.

Miss rolled out. Let's get across that footbridge. What's the last of its kind? What do you mean? Oh, what's this sign here? Pluckley Station. The last of its kind. You said it was like old school, didn't you?

I don't know what it means. When we got to put my glasses on. Pluckley Station opened in 1842. Is the last of the original South Eastern Railway Wayside Station to survive on the London Dover line? There you go. Oh, so like, no modelling has anything been done to it.

Originally, the platforms were low, short and staggered linked by level crossing. sidings both up and down lines yeah they've got rid of that it's only one way out now in it yeah and it just talks about the nearby buildings and pluckley what does it say they were the stations

like platform three because we saw it's 1874 a tidal signal station on the left and the low platforms can be seen chimneys dwarf staff and passengers yeah that's all gone 1890 that's what I said down there

there was other thing down there yes yeah yeah 1890 there are over 12 no 20 good wagons 1927 locomotive 439 was made at Ashford Railway work I'm right do it

and then 19884 they built this wooden thing which is on its last legs but anyway there you go nice little station maybe I'll take a picture of this fuck it there you go proof that we're at pluckley station right okay I'm going to join Eli on the bridge

it's a very low key ending isn't it don't you think there's no high energy romps or whatever. It's like, it's almost like we're too old for this shit. Eli, I love you, mate. Just for the record, I know we argue a lot and we have tiffs. But we couldn't do this if we didn't love each other. Could we?

Could we do? All right, you say that now. God, my legs are fucking killing me, man. When I got up off the sit at the step, I honestly was about to how hard out in pain with just like how stiff and achy it was. Jesus wet. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Pluckly, luckily. Luckily, we're in Pluckley. Right, let's wait for this train. About 10 minutes, in it, 15 minutes. Right, the train's coming in, mate. Oh, it's whittling its way down our way. I'm glad we're on the right platform. Here it comes.

Here it comes, everyone. Looks like you can hear the clitter-clatter on the tracks. We're getting out of Pluckley, mate. We're getting out of Pluckley. Getting out of Pluckley. Get the fuck out of... Wait, why is it... Wait.

Oh, it goes down further past the bridge. I didn't even see that. That's what I mean about the misalignment. Yeah, that is strange, isn't it? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Oh, I'm frightened.

Oh, busy. What if we don't get on? Don't miss the train. All under the bridge. Take me to the place I love. Like the door doesn't open. We can't. There we go.

Beautiful. Here we go. We have escaped Pluckley's grip. As long as the train down right there. It's on the train down, right down. Say that out loud, mate. Could happen. Could.

Oh my God, I'm so knackered. That was... It was brutal. It was brutal. It actually really was. It was like it was. our longest walk ever but there's something about today which was brutal yeah I really needed to use better shoes I just didn't want to ruin another pair but but in

terms of actual the actual yeah walking you know I need something like those your ones yeah I mean Merell style yeah I'm gonna get some morels some decent ones fair enough you can get them like you go to TK Friday's what they call it TK Friley T K max yeah Tj or whatever you get them 40 quid. I think I got these for like 30 from Shoe Zone. Yeah, but they're Shoe Zone own. Yeah, but that's because that means I can trash them though. It's like I don't care.

And to be honest, these are after me three years now. Not great, but it'll do. Are we going to have some hot Beanie now? Do you want to do that now? Why not? Hey everyone, did you know Rybina has a hot mould version that they bring out? It's the last winter walk of the year. Let's have

some hot fucking Beena now. So you not want to get it out? No, let's get it out. But let's just do formalities, formalities, formalities. What do you mean? You want to taste it? I might be sick. It's why.

We'll have to taste it some other time. I'll taste it another time. I've got all that hot water in there. And I've got all that ribena in there. It seems silly not to do it. There's lots of things we've not done today. It's fine. It's fine, mate.

Well, we're getting out of here. Let's just get out of Pluckley. We're kind of back to come into head corn. Wasn't that what happened to your mate? Yeah, what happened, right? Yeah, he had anal sex with his friend. Yeah. Female or male.

I think he was a girlfriend. He shook for it? Obviously, yes. But then he had a terrible infection. His dick hurt, hurt when he peed. He didn't use a condom. And he went to an SDD doctor or whatever. No, he didn't use a condom.

He was with it. It was in a long-term relationship. I still have used what? Anyway. You know, the... inside a corn on the cob, corner of a kernel. You do not have told this story like that. I like, I want to articulate it inside.

Do you know inside a kernel on the cob, corn kernel. Colonel, the Cobb. Colonel on the Cobb Corn kernel, a corner of Kern. Kim Colonel, a kernel, that's the word, right? You know inside there's like mini kernels, like there's little bits. One of those right at the base of his urethraithra. Yeah, sure, sorry, we're going with us. Cheers. Thank you.

Thank you. And I'm here for that chapter. As we were saying, it's weird, because some routes you get on that are even longer than this and more expensive, and you never see someone checking their tickets. But both ways, there's been someone promptly checking our tickets. Not complaining. The government's bringing in this new cancellation plan now. This isn't a joke, by the way.

This is something I saw on the internet. It sounded like the same too, too. I know. But apparently, like, they're saying, don't buy advanced tickets now because they can cancel them. 11 foot 59 the day before. So if you wake up in the morning and your trains council or whatever, you don't get a refund anymore. I know, it's something crazy like that.

That sucks. They're already fucking gouging people. Anyway, they need to renationalise. Anyway, so the kernel bit. Yeah, that was it. It was stuck at the base of his urethra, pee-pee. Pee-P. I think that says more about his girlfriend's bottom hygiene than it does about...

No, because you go right up there. I mean, there's poo-poo up. there, isn't there? I don't wish I'd started this now. Yeah, well, all I'm saying is... A lot of the things we've said and done today are kind of shit, aren't they? Yeah. Oh, thanks for listening, everyone. Yeah, thanks for listening.

You don't want to do the hot beanie? I can't, I don't... I think, honestly, if we have some now, I'm going to force it down and then be ill. Just have a sip of it? I'm not in the mood. People are used to this show disappointing them, so let's just keep on track. What are the odds of some nuns coming in here now?

chances of any nuns coming in here or a million to one. That's good. But still they can. What's that from? Lord of the Worlds. War the rings. Can you hear all the rings? Are we going to stop now?

Stop talking. Do you want to stop talking? Have a little... Chill for an hour where we get to ching chow and cars. Yeah. The heating's on in this train. I don't like it. Uncle Ely and Daddy Gannon are going to have a little nap, nap.

All right. I like it. My finger's gone cold again. feel it, it's gone cold again And then that one's warm Maybe you've got Rynolds Reynolds, Rhenards Judge Rynold syndrome

Like only appear in films of Freddy Mercury Not Freddie Mercury Not Freddie Mercury Pretty Murphy Oh my God Wow Anyway You both knew that you meant

Yeah I know Right we're in head corn We're gonna have a nap Was Freddie in any films He didn't do much motion picture work Did he? I don't know. That's a really good question. I imagine he might have cameoed and something.

Yeah, but that's not a movie, is it? Bihemian Rhapsody doesn't count. Because he's not Freddie Mercury. What do you mean he's not Freddie Mercury? The actor is playing Freddy Mercury. Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, the film, but yeah. That's what you were talking about, right?

That was Brian Singer, wasn't it? And he got really toxic and, like, quit. They had to fire him or whatever. He refused to do any work. And they got the guy from press gang in. So there you go. Dexter Wenzel. Yeah, Dexter Fletcher.

It is Dexter Fletcher. It is Dexter Fletcher. Host of series three of Gamesmaster, or four, might have been four. Yeah. Anyway, we know all about... He's a big career, isn't it? Yeah, he directed Rocket Man as well.

The Elm John musical. I enjoyed that a lot. Mate, I just want to shut up and have a nap. It's an hour home. Let's have a nap. Fine. We're old men. Do it?

Let's just accept we're old men now. Ladies and gentlemen... Is this an old man's podcast? It is now. The old man's game. This is the turning point. It's gone from young, vital, energetic, angry young man podcast to basically Top Gear. We've become Top Gear.

You're Clarkson and I'm Freddie May. I am not Clarkson. I am May or Hammond. He can pick me either one, but you are Clarkson all over. You've got a green coat on that makes you look like you own a farm. Your views are... Your views are abhorrent. My views are abhorrent, yes.

Well done. And I punch producers as well. Producer. Can we stop talking now? I really need to just... Stop put your hand there. Stop put your hand there. I'm going to go sit somewhere else.

Is that a promise? Tickle, tickle tickle. Can you please move your hand? I'm never going to touch that, am I? No. Not in all, Mike. No. Who's your hand away?

Jesus wept, Sonny. Come on. Let's have a nap. Yeah, I'm after it. And when we get to Charing Cross, we'll say goodbye. How about that? Yeah. You're having a burger.

I'm having a burger. But that's going to be post-podcast content. There's another thing we were going to do. We're not doing that either now. We can do it any time, though. This is aresso milkshake. We can do that any time. Do you know what?

If you order one, though, for some reason, milkshakes take forever, don't they? Yeah. Because the machines are off. I'm not in the mood. We can make it ourselves at a later date. Right, let's have a nap. It's hard to get milkshay at home.

That's the whole point. How could you get a milkshake at home like that? Those nice freezy ones they do. You know what I mean? They had like a staple year after year. It's because you can't really make them at home. Get a McFlurry. A Flurry, my...

Pouring coffee on it. No, not a McFlurry with coffee on it. It's the same difference in it though. It's the same stuff. The milkshake in McFluid is basically the same stuff. It's not at all. You're full of shit. You're just spewing like...

Don't bring out of that! Can we just shut off this train? Well, shut up then. You shut up. I keep wanting to talk. I keep wanting to stop talking. I have a nap. And you keep having to impress you of borant opinions on me.

And just like James May and he's just like Clarkson. May, James May had pretty bad opinions as well. They all have fucking terrible opinions. It's Hammond like in a wheelchair now and like... I don't think so. He had a really bad guy. Yeah, but he's had loads of them. Can we stop talking about talking?

I'm the sort of nap. What about him? Freddy Flintoff? I'm Flintoff. He's he dead? He died, didn't he? Mate. I can't remember whether Freddy Flintoff is dead or no. I'm not in the move for this now. You shush. You don't have to say shit. Stapelhurst.

We're off the train. We're not off the train. We're getting off the train. You can fucking have you. He won't. I will. Take you with my firm grip and crush you like an ant. no one's on the train so I can threaten you

it's basically one of the same you're a dickhead why can't you speak why can't you let it go why can't you understand that I have a problem and let it go hey how about that

you do have a problem and you can't let it go why is that because I have to work with you yeah no because you're insecure because you're insecure you know you don't do enough on the podcast so you micro-manage stuff like this so you feel like you have some kind of input oh my God

how about that That's a terrible theory, isn't it? But it's a nice one and I'm putting it forward. And I think the audience would agree. Hello, everyone, this is the end of the episode. We've been on this train for an hour. And I'm done. I'm done with this.

I'm knackered. I'm knackard and I'm done with you. This is the very last thing we do together. And I hope when you do go to America, you don't come back. Yeah. I can't stop grouching. Yeah, that's the other thing. I've been sitting here for an hour, hearing him go,

Not only that, but he can't just yawn. He has to, like, bellow like a fucking drowning elephant. He can't just, like, go, ha. It has to be this whole fucking song and dance. Just an annoyance. No one cares. I care. Stop being so weirdly aggressive.

Don't look at me like that. I'll get you. I'll get you. The train you stood up too early. And this is why I'm... angry as well because the bing bongs went off and went oh we're coming into the station and I got up and now we're just sitting here and I want this episode done we did a translation of that uh thing I bought you the little teapot thing to put in pickles thing to put in pickles

and make the pickles taste and look better but also it said like iron supplements or something and you can put it in tea and put it and boil it in a cup make it irony and if it russed just scrub it and then put it back. Bits of sprue it mentioned as well. I don't understand. Anyway, he's taking it off me now so he's got that. I'll just put it on the wall. I don't think I'll try it on the pickle.

I don't know. Maybe it's good. Probably works, it's a legit product. It says, you know, it's a piece of iron that you put in jars or boiling water or something for the help iron supplements and pickling processes. I've never heard of that before, have you? I've never heard of that.

before. I've heard of Pickling. You're losing faith in this episode again? I just want it done. Just want this all over. It's been one... It's been two episodes for everyone listening.

Ha ha ha. It's been one long fucking day for me. And unlike some walk about episodes where we have a big long walk and we end it, I don't feel any reward for today. I feel like this has mostly been a day of walking along roads in the dark. Yes, it really was.

And I'm just so knackard now. I feel like the wood part, the scary woods part of this episode, is almost like a tangent to just the constant walking on the roads and getting lost and going up and down the fucking roads and pluckly. Well, we did it. We won't be going back there? But we are. I've just booked tickets for us to go back at Halloween.

Bosh. There you go. There's you out. There's you out. There's you out. Yeah, the speaker. is a crap here as well. Yeah, there's none in this.

Bing bong. No, there are. There's one every, there's that one there. There's a quiet carriage. The carrot carriage, did you say? The quiet carriage. The quiet carriage. I'm a quiet carrot.

I'm a quiet carrot. I'm a quiet carrot son. I won't stop quieting carrots until they're quieting carrots. All done. Good, well done. I just got that out, didn't they? Is it pulling into station?

Hey? It's putting into station now. We go and cross Thames, pulling it right up against your face. Put it right in my face like that. Burp, sniff, glubble, snirk, glog, all the sounds that come out of your fucking mouth. I'm sorry, I am sorry. It's like, it's just really troll-like behavior, isn't it? It's not behavior, it's digestive, you know.

Either way. It's digestive determinism. Ladies and gentlemen, all you need to know is that... It's digestive determinism. in a minute we'll be saying goodbye I'll stop recording I'll say goodbye to Eli and then I won't seem for two weeks and I can't fucking wait

who wants to start a podcast with Paul Gannon email me no one does Oh god stop it Stop making noises Here we go Bing bang

Bing bong Right I've got the phone Yes Because we still need to tap out, don't we? The gates might be open. No, they're not. I can see.

I can barely walk. I know, I'm really fucking stiff. I just notice that now. It's like my thighs hurt, the back of my legs. I like these platforms at Charing Cross that. I never noticed with the hard deck. Nicely lit and quite bright. Yeah.

Nice platforms. Oh, God, my feet hurt so much. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, wow. Hang on, I've got to get me tickets out. So you use the first one.

Okay. J.B.J or whatever. Yeah, and I'll use the second one. And then we're done with this. All right. Did you enjoy it? Parts of it. What is the best part?

Like in, I don't know. I can't think of any either. Maybe you enjoyed something in this week's episode. I don't know. Not the endless walking along the roads in the wets with the cars coming at us. And the scary man in the car with the bum, bum, bum music, who then disappeared into the woods. I better what was all that about.

Well, anyway, that was Cheap Show's first walkabout episode of 2026. And who knows, it might be our last. We're heading out, we're back here at Charing Cross. No hipster Hitler's here in it, I hope. That feels like a life. I does feel like a lifetime ago, but it was today. I bet if he was even more for the listeners who had to listen to this over two weeks, and Eli can't get through the gates now.

So I'm just going to wrap it up. Thank you for listen to Cheap Show, the Cheap Show.com.com. If you can reply, not reply, if you can review, that's nice. And rate, that's nice. And again, if you like this podcast and you'd like to help support, It's creation and ongoing production. The Cheapestown.com. No, wait.

The patreon.com forward slash cheapshash. I can't. I can't. I can't. I am literally in agony just dragging my legs forward. We have to find a cash point. I know we've got to find a cash point.

I can't just leave you, can I? There's one there. There's Nat West. Eli's going to be happy because I'm about to give him some money. So someone's going home smiling. Right. Bye everyone. Bye everyone.

I love you guys. I do love you as well for. Next week and you'll be back by America from America by then. Yeah. We'll be back to good old cheap show fun. Yes. But right now I'm literally close to tears and I want to end this. So good night everyone.

Bye bye bye bye. Thank you for joining us. Bye bye-bye.