CheapShow - Ep 479: Escape From Screaming Wood (Stereo)

Episode Date: March 20, 2026

(Stereo Version) It may have taken forever, but Paul and Eli are finally at Dering Woods in Kent for some spooky wanderings. Sadly, because it took so long, it’s already getting dark and the Cheap Chaps have a lot to do before they can think about turning around and going back to Pluckley Station. Now that they’re lost in “Screaming Woods” it’s time to have a small (poorly planned) picnic and finish off The Price of Shite. Paul has two more items, one of which should come in VERY handy once darkness falls in this truly spooky woodland. The mist is rolling in, darkness is falling, strange sounds (and people) can be heard in the distance and Eli’s lost all his stuff and is getting very ratty… And that’s all before a VERY long, VERY dark walk home. Looks like Paul and Eli are going to be VERY grumpy again. Additional music by White Bat Audio. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-479-escape-from-screaming-wood www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello, it's part two of our walk to Daring Woods and we're in Daring Woods and we've just had a picnic and a few little drinky woo-woo babies. And we're both suffering from dead leg from sitting down on the ground for too long syndrome. I think it's exacerbated by the fact that we've walked a load of hard roads to get you. Also, I just went for a PBI and just that tree there. No, it wasn't. It was that one. Was it that one? Yeah. It wouldn't look very similar, as to be said.

And my, I don't know why, but my wee was really be able. beefy smell. Had a really beefy honk to it. Oh, I just snotted. Oh, everything's getting a bit visceral, isn't it? Oh, yeah. I've already had one drink and I'm like, I want to go home now. I want to go home.

We've got to do the rest of the episode. I know. So join us for... We should get a fucking move on, mate. I'm telling you. Yeah. Because we just get around here. We don't want to be walking too much of the roads at the dark.

If it means we... Listen, if it means we have to wait half an hour at the station, I'd prefer that than troging through Mardi. in a treacherous hellhole with a really moody liverpudlin. Yes, what you are. I'm not, though. I'm not from Liverpool, am I? I'm not from the Whirl.

Which, as I like to joke, has all the accent but none of the culture. You know that guy B here now, who is a, like a psychogeography YouTuber based in Manchester? He saw his video about the tunnel beneath the thing, yeah, it's good. Brilliant. I saw his latest one. It was about this place called Holt Town in Manchester. very near the city centre, but like deserted, semi-industrial, fucking amazing. And he said, yeah, it's just one of these weird little places that are just...

Like living a little. Yeah, totally. I mean, it's really interesting. Apparently the whole thing's going to get regenerated. But it's like there's no one living there now. And it used to have some of the most dense sort of terrorist, terrorist buildings. Then it went industrial. It's like, he's bored.

He's bored, everyone. Deline made me drinky. And now that drinkie has made me all floppy. boo. We have to get through this, my friend. You've got more booze in the bag, right? Yeah. How much? Got like half a bottle of J-B. Half a bottle? Yeah.

Like, blam. Like that little one that we got, remember? That's not that much. But half of that. It's still enough. It's not enough. It's not enough. Get more cider. Anyway, we're here. I love everyone. Bye-bye. We're here in the, yeah, where I say, we're in Daring Woods, which is near Pluckley, the most haunted village in the whole of the UK in Kent.

and we're going to be completing our walk here in Daring Woods where we're going to do a little bit more of a price of shite we're going to go hunting for a ghost and then we're going to go home I think that's the plan in it go home so this is where all the action is this week is all the action this is where the action happens this week the first part was all set up

it was all part one but part two is the sex the violence the excitement the intrigue the twig the twig the twilight twists the turns. That's what this week's episode is. I promise you that. Right. Can't you help me put this bad job? Why can't you do it? Because it's got a weird movie clasp. You got a weird movie clasp? Yeah, I've done it. It's a little upside-down skeleton hand. Scrangle, skankleckle. I'm just going to put the music in. One with the cheap show. It's cheap show music now.

Undies. I think your path's better. Really? Yeah. I think I'm a bit trapped by trees. at this end. You have to go through that little thicket there. I'm going through a little thicket. Yeah, yours is better than this one. Always. This one's all better.

It's much firmer on the other side, man. I don't know about that. Fuck me. I had to get, anyway, look, we're walking and it's very muddy. Should we go look? It looks like you can get up there. What here? Yeah, I'm going there.

Really? Yeah. That's too mossy. I don't like it. It's too mossy. I'm going to stay here where the rim of it is. Oh, but then there's this bit. Why are you over there now? Is it? I don't know if it is, mate, if I'm being honest.

I'm going to run across this mud path here. I'm going to go slow. There's no rush. So we're walking the yellow route of Daring Wood, starting at the main entrance and walking south from there. Christ, there's a big falling tree here. That's covered the path. And there's a mist rolling in as well, which makes the woods a bit more spooky. It's actually quite nerve-wracking. you're all right over there I've got to I've got to get over a tree now

and there's a tree that's fallen see here mate I might be a bit too drunk to walk now I think that booze hit me hard and I'm just having trouble I'm having trouble yeah what

well we've got at least an hour and then on the roads and the dark oh well what Paul made a bad episode happened didn't he I couldn't know

No I won't I'll keep going we're walking this is very wet oh I mean this is a 45 minute walk around the yellow

yellow route no wonder they lost a fucking wellie you know what I mean I can see why muddy is all fucking shades of balls actually though it's getting a bit better here because there's a lot of folio surrounding on top of the mud

so it's not as muddy now yeah look it's not as muddy now Eli that's good I'm not as there's a sign here in honour of something Lee shirungnim's visit to the UK in Europe March 17 to 18th 2018 who's that who's who's Richie Lee Susunginim. Eli? Yeah, quite considerably

firmed up over here. It's quite considerably so. But there's also a little sign here. What? All right. Has it firmed up? No, it's firmed up.

All this foliage has made it easier. But there's a sign here a little thing that honors someone. But I don't know who the name is because I can't say it for a start. It's Nietzili Sunyung nims

Richi Li Simnomnings Wow They sound like they were Chinese I don't know Because that bit's all bent out of shape So I can't quite see it That Lee is a very Chinese name

Isn't it? Yeah L-E Sessong Nims Yeah They visited So they must be They could be maybe

Nees look it up Because they obviously There's no reception in the woods We've literally got no outside world contact so if anything happens to us some kind of religious leader someone important within the world of

forest conservation I don't know visit to the UK and Europe suggest that they're not a native to UK and Europe and then what they came all the way here and here it is a tree they've got to be sort of in some way important that's what I'm saying

here's a tree we'll never know here is a tree do you want one you like it's a tree in your honour that's not what it is they're probably some kind of politician, I'd say, or religious, like, maybe something to do with the, the Dalai Lama?

You get a little. The Dalai Lama. There's no such thing. Fucking hell, the Dalai Lama. Do you make that up? Just now. Do you make that up? Is this the joke? This is where you're going to this?

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yes, I did, yes. Ha, ha, ha, ha, Eli. How very funny of you. Oh, you see fields through there. Yeah. They say it's more of a patchwork,

but this has definitely got, it feels like an ancient wood. It's similar to... Remember Coppitz wood? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got a sort of similar vibe in a weird way, doesn't it? It's the ancientness, I guess.

The lovely wood. It's very... You could look over there and imagine elves and dwarves playing merrily. We really are in the glooming. The glooming hour. Look at all that moss all over the bar. Yes, you get lots of nice mossy mounds.

I'm going to take a picture of that mossy mound. I believe... I'm going to take a picture of mossy mounds. imagine you're right gnomes and fairies a skitter a scatter oh it's too much all a fritter a fritter a fratter a fritter it's going to be pitch black in here and we're going to have to still have to walk along pitch black roads i have a solution for that though i have a solution for that it's part of the price of shite mate really yeah because i have got make better than a torch mate you think i'd take you all the way out here and then just show you a torch who the

fuck do you think you are batteries for whatever this device is and a memory card oh hmm to think is that picked your curiosity now i don't see that's going to help it's piqued his curiosity oh what's this it's a magic glade oh yeah here we go oh look it's a little pool a glade perhaps where witches drank the glade is not a pool a glade is it clearing but glade sounds more magical yes but it doesn't matter why can't you be precise at all That's a poor report. Why is water as like important to you when magic? It's important to everyone, Paul.

Everyone who, what are you fucking? People like magic. Fucking get that fucking Jack Daniels out. I'll get it out. And I'll drink it all myself and you've got to deal with a Randy Angry Gannon. Randy Andy Andy. Randy Angry Gannon on Ryslip High Street. Oh, voila.

That would be good, yeah. Good idea for a TV show. Randy Angry Gannon on Ryslip High Street. Yeah. Say something like that. Get off my knickers. That's my cat's raise. Get off my knickers.

Because I always think you're trying to get me knickers. When's it's turning coming up, do you think? I don't know. I don't care no more. It's the longer stretch, you think? Yeah, it is actually, though. I will say that for it. Yeah.

All these tree's have fallen. I don't know if it's wind or lightning or vandalism. You know what I mean? It's not vandalism. I think there's some natural fellage, isn't there? Maybe they died. and then they get weak. Do you see what I mean?

Yeah. They look like they've been torn asunder from the ground. Yeah, it's probably wind or lightning. It's wind or lightning. Who knows? But have you sensed their chill in the air now? It went from rosy, warm day. Early spring vibes to a supernatural chill.

It's not that cold. Colder than it was, but it's not that cold. I'm getting a supernatural chill. I've got chills. They're multi-ploid. and I'm losing control and your bum hole I've been eyeing

it's electrifying it's been winking you better wipe up because I want to I want to shit and I've done a massive poo then it winds up because I've spat your face with my dirty hunks of shit

Nothing more, nothing more, but lots of bits. Yeah, because look, I bet you, right, that private area we went through would take us to where we were lost at the beginning. I think you're exactly right, yeah. You know what I mean? Because I think the train line's going that way. That's right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. Which is a shame because I could imagine we could have maybe hopped that fence and

legged it for a bit and gotten here. But, you know, I'm glad we did it. It's just going to make the walk back even longer, the fact that we can't go through there. Anyway. I mean, is that an exit over there? Do you think? Should we have a little look? Let's have a little look. Let's have a little look about where that brings us. Because you might be right, it might be like we end up accidentally finding a way out.

However, I do think... You still need to do price of sight? No, I mean, I'm just thinking ahead. I'm covering all the bases, you know what I mean? Research and development, Eli. Okay, okay, Paul. So that's what Cheap Show's doing. We're trying to escape the woods today after...

We're going to do a price of shite and then a supernatural experiment. I can't wait. You haven't told me nothing about the experiment. I know, because I wanted to be a surprise, didn't I? Is that part of the price of shire? Yeah, it is. Mate, I've thought it all out, apart from how we got here, how we get here, what we're doing and everything else, how we're getting home. Yeah, I think this goes on to that field.

I don't think we've got access. But that's a footpath on the field. And the field, that will take us out the other way. We should examine our maps quite closely here. I think we should. Just in case we have a way of getting out early. I think that's important. I'm sure it's the way.

We did see some footpaths. We did. We did, actually. You're right. We did see. What's this say? This is the way out, mate. Well, I don't know yet.

Hang on. Not here. For the love of trees. So yeah, this is definitely a path. But I honestly, mate, I don't know once we get here where we go next. It is, though. fucking beautiful with the mist it's so nice you know yeah the loaming mist let's just let's just hang here for a minute at least is that open not the right way though is that

open yeah look see well let's just see if we can get back to the but no because here's the thing we haven't actually been in the woods all that long i don't care i'm going out there no for a minute i'm going out there for a minute oh you push me off Ow, make me in the chest. Ow! Come on, man, this is beautiful. It is, but I'm also kind of like, I don't want to go off the track

when we know where we are for the time being. I don't know where any of this takes us. Imagine you just saw a big wolf, like a wolf man, like a big, like a big boy. Just glumphant. Towards us from there. Imagine that, there's nothing you can do. It jumps on all fours and gallops.

Yeah, like that, coming. Just getting larger. I just have to be faster than you. No, because he could just wound me mortally and then go after you. Yeah, that's a good point. And he'll come back for me after he's done. And he probably holds me down and gives me hot kisses. And I'm like, I don't want to want it.

He's like, rough, rough. And he gets his dirty dog dick out. Isn't twilight it all about that? And he puts it up between my thighs and I won't let him in, but he likes the feeling of it in between my thighs banging on my balls. I hate this week. Why? I just, I feel like.

I have not prepared this episode. I'm trying to tell you. But I don't think we can cross this field, though, honestly, because I don't know where the path doesn't seem to be a path. And there's a little yellow arrow going that way. But again, I don't know where that takes us. And I really don't want to get stuck, not knowing where we are. Because even though the route back is long,

at least we know that route is the right. Yeah. That's the path, mate. Well, let's look at the map. But yeah, but let me explain. At least we know the route home based on how we got here. If we went that way, then we got halfway there, and then realise we have to turn back.

That's a pain in the arse. It's the risk. So I'd rather go back the way we came because we know that works. But that was a schlett, man. Yes, but remember, we did add an hour to it by going the wrong direction in the first place. If we'd gone that way from the farm in the first place,

we'd been there an hour ago. All right, so let's just make sure Paul feels better about himself and we'll end this segment. All right, we're going to have a little moment and we're going to come back to you. No, after the second. We've got to pace this episode. I don't like it here. It's unnerving. I've got horny

werewolf in my head now. Beautiful. Let me take a photo. Alright, you take a photograph actually, I like it. Beautiful. Oh, huh. Yeah, it's weird. I mean, I can hear voices of other people. I can hear them here. Somewhere out there. Yeah. It's kind of spooky. It carries very strangely. Actually, see what I mean? They heard that. They're shouting back. Are they weird locals? Are they going to murder and rape us? I'm getting a real vibe from that, man.

What was that? To be fair, they also might have gone. Oh, do you hear that? That gave me the willies. There, someone just screamed there. Yeah, I know. Maybe we shouldn't have drawn attention. We shouldn't have done that.

Can we just keep moving? We're going to keep moving. Let's go back. No, no, no. Let's do this nice price of shite. That's what we're here for, right? They're coming for us. They're not coming for us.

It really feels like they are. It kind of feels like they are. are though I think they just here walking their dogs and shit I don't think it's anything more nefarious than that though they are nefarious okay do the price of shite fine this is a quick one all right it's a quick one right let me get it out no not that pocket here it is Eli what do you think this is quick oh I'm gonna take the sticker off price sticker well funnily enough not the price sticker for this item but the price sticker for another item right there you go

What do you think that is, Mr. Selman? Oh, it's a metal object, and it depicts a sort of Chinese-style teapot. Yeah. And it's mint on card. And it's got a card there, and it's all in Chinese, I believe. But it's... Oh, it's got a lovely weight. So it's all in Chinese, the writing, but I have translated it,

but I can't remember exactly what it said, but I can tell you the gist of what I think it does. It has a form and function. It's very... It's a weight. It's a weight. Yeah. Is it to weigh tea? No.

It's not a tea weight. It's got nothing to do with tea. Ah. Even though it's a little slab of metal, that looks like a teapot. It just looks like tea. Yeah. A teapot. That's just the decorative thing.

Yeah. I have no idea then. Apparently, it's for pickling. You're meant to put it in with a jar of vinegar and your pickles. And apparently, because of the iron in it or whatever, it helps the pickling process. Oh my God. It's something like that. I'd have to re-translate it, but it basically that's the gist of it.

Are you meant to eat? eye in. No, you're not, well, you're not meant to eat that. Put this in my mouth, taste of pickle. No, I don't think it works like that. I think it's got something to do with helping oxidise the process. I don't know. That could be a quid.

That could be more. I mean, you've... 10, 20, yeah. One more item. I think the last item is impressive. You've been going on about the last item. Yeah. That could easily be like six quid.

The last item. Yeah. So I'm going to say... Anything would be good. 180. 180. All right. I'll put it back in your bag.

Do you want this after we're done? I do. I do. I'll keep it in my bag for now. Do you want it now? Yeah. It's just like I'm taking pictures and shit of this stuff. Oh, okay.

Put it back in the bag now. You can have it. Hey, those people seem to quiet in now. Well, I hope so. Because I don't really want to end this episode by being beaten up by locals if that's all right. So do you say 180? Yeah. So that means 180 for that.

You said £2.50 for the pasta pigs. And one pound for the ice crusher thing. Comes to what? Five-30. All right. And you said 10, 20, 10, 30. 10.50s you're together. That was just a scream.

That was just a scream. That sounded more like a motorbike or something. No, that would sound like, eh! All right, well, don't you copy it, then they copy it. I'm already getting the major willies now. Are you? Yeah, just not because I'm like frightened of ghosts, but because like... Hello, I'm the major willies.

Stay attention. Oh! Up the bum-hole, sir! It's a bum-old base walk today. They're bikers. It's like they're going to mad max our ass. No. They're going to bike around with fucking clubs and hammers.

It's not quite late enough for bad boys to be in, to be a concern, I think. But I do think we should now think about getting out of the woods by going the yellow route all the way home. It must be about 20 minutes and more of this, right? The whole walk itself, they count out as 45 minutes, so we must have done over half of it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And then we'll walk back. It's very muddy. And there's a little pathway over here, a little bridgelet.

All right, cool. That's the next price of shite done, and that's right. Ah, I went right in my fucking eye holes. Ah, that branch twanged in my face. I know, but then I'd scratch the glass, wouldn't I? Yeah, but you'd better have scratched your eye, but... Oh, you know, then? Well, I'm just saying.

Well, I'm just saying. Maybe I shouldn't walk in the woods then. Maybe I shouldn't leave the house. Maybe there's a lot of thing I shouldn't do to protect my eyes. Okay. All right? You've only got one working as well. That's true. And I bang my other good eye then as well, so then I'd be blinding.

and you'd have to get an angry, horny, drunk, blind man home. How are you going to deal with that? You're drunk. That hit you, didn't it? Really did, I just didn't expect it to hit me as much as is as well. Yeah, we did. Hang on. Let me put the mic in your mouth.

We had two Gordons and Tonic in the can, you know, like the standard. Yeah. And then I split, we had ice. And then I split a pocket Nogroni between those as well. So it was a mix of Gordons and Tonic with Nogroni, and it was very pleasant. It was actually pleasant and I drank it too fast. And now the funk climbs over my brain. The funk.

The funk. Get the funk out. If you don't know what you do there, get your funk out. Right, okay. Okay, it's getting dark now. We're in a spooky wood. So let's keep on marching. Hopefully it's only going to be a 20 minutes or so more.

One more price of shite item. And then we can get out of it. All right, I promise. I'm sorry, Eli. I'm so sorry. I just want to get out now. Honestly. I think it's because we're away from London

that I don't feel like, I feel more stranded than usual. Those roads. There's no actual route from the station. It's no roads. There's no pavement. Anyway. But you could argue the roads might be quieter later.

Is that an owl? It didn't sound like an owl. It sounded like a feral youth. Oh. Hopefully we're going to be turning right up here. We are soon, yeah, don't worry about it. Right. Let's carry on walking in this walking-based podcast.

Still some light in the sky. Still some light. It's only because of the woods that it feels darker, really, isn't it? Well, no. The sun is definitely on its way down. I know that, but the woods does make it darker by default of it being obscuring of the sky. All right? Yeah.

It's darker in the woods than it would be not in the woods. Thank you. Yes. It's all I wanted you to say. Okay. It's all spooky over there fucking how It's actually really spooky here

Yeah You could see a figure From like miles off between the trees Yeah Like a red woman That's the red bride or whatever isn't it No that's not round there It's plucked it tomorrow

Oh it's the wood in it No it's just a screaming or something I think I came to this wood erroneously I was sold this as As the most haunted wood in England And actually I've heard no direct stories. What?

It looks like a little well or something, doesn't it? It's hard to tell. A stone statue or something. Yeah. I don't know. Do you want me to have a look? Oh no, it's a tree trunk. It just looks, um... Bricky, yeah. But no, it's a tree trunk, that, because the... Go, we're going around to the right. Right, I'm just

going to finish the segment off now because hands tired. Okay. Hold me, Eli. I'm not going to hold you. Never. I hold my hand and call me daddy, boy. I called you daddy earlier. You let me down. I didn't. Daddy. Daddy, you protected. No, he didn't. I'll look after your son.

This is getting real weird. Let's get out of here. Let's get out of here. Right, this has gone from a bit dark to actually kind of scary fucking shit your pants dark right now, hasn't it? Oh, do. Don't it? It's spooky, isn't it? I told you to get like this.

God, how much fucking chin do I need in that picture? Jesus Christ! That's a terrifying photograph. Mate, let's just find a little place to do the final price of shite and then we just can concentrate on walking. I think we should get back to the car park and do it there. No, no, there's a reason why I need to do it here. And you'll see why when I get it out. Because it is my piste de resistance.

Okay. All right. And look, look at this torch. You brought it? Very good torch, I have to admit. Are you happy with the halo of this torch? It's nice. I'm just, I think we should get a taxi. I think we should get a taxi back to the station. Well, do you have a phone number for one? I can find one, can't it?

I haven't got any reception? We might have more reception there. I just think it's going to be a real slog. Look, here's the yellow thing. The yellow sign. Yellow brick grows. So we're on our right way. So how about...

Do it just here? Do it here somewhere, yeah. Because this is going to be good. You still got no reception? I mean, not much. I mean it pops in and out. See, these kind of roads that go through are much more pleasure than the actual yellow path, do you know what I mean?

Yeah. I mean, look at this. A junction, but I mean, this is the yellow path. That's the way it goes, right? So, yeah. Look at what top there, do you think? Beautiful. That's the way out.

It's a way out. It's not the way out, is it? Apparently there was another exit up that way where we were before it turned. It's a nice walk. You can see why it's popular. It's a nice circuit. through the woods you know yeah still though right this is a perfect place a crossroads would you like to see the final price of shite item yeah man uh you're gonna have to do me a favor

though can you hold this torch sure all right thank you because this come over here this is the one i got from uh what did i say pinner wherever it was i fucking went no uh uh kilbin high road kilbin high road love it My kind of town. It's a VR headset everyone. No it's not. It's binoculars everyone. It is a spyware night vision goggles set with heat feature and ghost protocol. Yeah I've got it I've got a memory card in so you can record. See there's buttons on the side so you can record footage. There's that one and that one. That's crazy. That was around six quid.

Well I mean I'm not going to tell you how much obviously right now. It's on night mode. I'm going to turn it on. Let's see if it works. Hang on. I'm in night mode. Alright. Does it work? Yeah? It does? I mean, yeah.

There's three different modes. There's thermal, which is thermal tech, which shows the heat. Can you see that? Yeah, I can see that. Hang on. Is that like Predator style? I'm recording right now. Is it recording Predator style right now? I can see you.

Is that warming up there? Yeah. Can I do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah yeah yeah and then what was that that sounded like something

well I can't see anyone on my heat see I'll be able to see heat signatures on this really yeah because it's a heat thing in my jig why did I disown elongated it and then there's another setting which one is it oh I can't do it when recording there's another setting which is like ghost protocol or something

which is just another shit night vision anyway let me what's the difference between the two night vision have a go well one's like green night vision like you'd expect Night vision like you'd expect. What's it on at the moment?

Normal night vision mode. You can fix it with the zoomy thing and stuff. Sorry, I just didn't show you where the buttons are. It's like that one I think is zoom and focus. This one? Yeah. Oh yeah. So I don't know how well it is you can see or anything.

Pretty good. But if I tap the paddle once, it goes to the thermal. Right. I'm gone. Has it gone blue? Look at me now. Look at me now. Oh my god, how is this technology just available now?

It just is. It's crazy man. That is crazy. You're totally thermal. Wow. And then the last setting, which is the one I'm not impressed with is this one. It's like ghost protocol or ghost vision or something. It's basically yeah, that's exactly what it's a negative image. That's still pretty cool as an effect. Yeah.

But I mean that is pretty cool because you can see it. can see everything that's dark in light yeah I thought we could use it to look at stuff in the dark I'll have the torch back a minute because uh hang on you need my guess though hang on I'm gonna record night mode for a bit right I'm recording on night mode vision can't see much up there all right oh yeah I can see you here he goes he's sucking on his vape pen you can just see it lighting up can I see the breath coming out No, a little bit, not much. I'll stop recording and then I'll move on to heat furniture.

Furniture one. Heat furniture. Right, I'm recording on heat thermal version now. Look at this. No, you can't see the heat really. Hello. I can't see your soul ebbing away from your body. Oh, something happened then.

Oh, you flash the torch at it. That's why it blinded it out. Yeah. Wow. Look at this. Let's go. I want to see if I can see any other one people here. Take my price guess.

Oh, this, is that people over there? Was that you? Where? Oh no, it's you. Christ, I shat my pants there. I honestly thought I saw a ghost figure in the woods. Look, you get a window on this torch. You see this window?

Yeah. Is that when you just push it front and back? Yeah, something like that. It's normal. It's a good normal one. And then if you pull it out. If you pull it out, you get like a window effect. Yeah.

Yeah. It's much further. Yeah. Come on then. It's exciting in it. I think that was six quid. I'm going on. Six. I'm getting seven ninety nine. I'll say again. Seven ninety nine. How much have you spent so far two fifty one pound one eighty. So that's what all together one two three fifty. It's five twenty five twenty and it was five ten fifty altogether. Yeah. So what do you think? What are you going to say them? It's great. I can see the dark. I'm going to revise pigs down to $199. $199, all right. Stick with the quids gambit on the ice crusher.

Right. What was the other thing? The potato... Did you tell me the price of the... Yes, I did. I forgot it. Yeah, I told you. I'll tell you what, how about we just wrap it up

and you can have a guess again? It doesn't really fucking matter, does it? How much you want to say for this preliminary? Hey? Like $799? You're saying $799? Yeah. All right, okay. $7.99 going back in the back?

I'm not saying I'm gonna say 599 599 is that what you stay I mean you can see if for now you've got up until the train station to lock in your that's a good point don't go away with the torch I want to make sure I haven't dropped anything here am I all zipped up at the back mate you're a very poor wing give it here you're useless or too useless human being Garbage man. Better. You see, I can see now. There's dog tods. Who cares? There's that.

Am I all zipped up at the back? Yeah. I told you, you were. What? What was I? Up at the back? Thank you. Honestly, useless.

The path's better here. Pass better here. Right. I'm actually... Must be slightly higher ground, I reckon. Yeah. Seems to be... Because those are on the other side,

the path was very much... Running alongside streams and rivulets. You know? yeah mate I think when we get to the throw we have another little JD yeah we have a Jack Daniels how about that

warm us up on it well we have to get to the car park now right we've done all the price of shites do you think you got two episodes I don't know no more I don't know no more definitely two episodes mate and I'm gonna be

when I'm in Florida I'm gonna be doing recordings for Cheap Show a little audio diary for all you cheaps out there all you cheap you watch he comes back with three minutes of unusable walking audio footage. No, no, no.

What's going to be? All you cheapskates and cheaperettes. That's what I call the female ones now. Cheapettes? Cheapettes. I don't like that. Yeah. All right, well, then you've lost the privilege.

It's like a dog or something, that's a strip. Oh, bench. Bench, bench, bench. Do you want to have a Jack Daniel's ear? A quick one. Let's have a quick one. Come on. Right, you don't have to listen to us, drink.

We have to just drink. So how about that? If we're going to do that then. Right, we're going to have a little sniffer in the woods. We're not going to see any ghosts, are we? Nothing. No supernatural entities. Bullshit.

Cods wallop. Right. Okay, let's get our drink on, mate. Come on. Why are you on your phone? Get off your phone. You're fighting everyone. The world could be burning, but right now it's me and you in the woods.

I know. Isn't that fucking sad for both of us? Really, that's the real reality of this, isn't it? That's the reality of this. This is a sad moment. for both of us. Let's try and obliviate our minds a bit and get more pissed. Because we hate ourselves. No, because you hate yourself and I hate you. Come on, let's have a drink now.

Wait, have I pressed something here? Hang on. Okay, fine. Yeah, do da da da da da da da da da da da da da. We're nearly at the end now. We had a lovely little jack die, They put coffee in my Jack Daniels. Oh mate. Want to hear the gals. Stop it. That fucking comes in. I love that.

It grows on me that tune so much. It's just so quiet. I want to see if I can hear an owl. I was going to piss in the road here. All right. Oh, ooh. That was a crow or something. That was a crow or something.

That was a bit, that sounded big point. Don't look at me. Oh, you're doing it right there. I didn't know you were doing it right there. Sorry. No, that's fine, but I didn't know you're doing it right next to me. Is that too any issue? That's your boss?

I guess that's fine. It's just as I say. Okay. Is that enough episodes for you? No. I mean, you're the ones pissing right next to me. What do you want me to do? Well, I just thought you could have said, hey, what you could have said is, mate, I'm going to take a piss right here. Do you want to stand next to me or walk away? You love it.

You love the tinkle and the winkle. Nibble on the wibble. A known boy on the weryl. Is that the name of your fucking autobiography? No. It's the sad case of a publisher who doesn't want a book. What's that? I think I can hear the world's smallest violin out there.

It's like flying around. That was a good joke, though. Yeah, it's all right. But considering you're the world's smallest man, I'm sure it's quite big. I only wish good things for you in your book, man. No, you don't. You told me in private that you're glad that it's a bit of failure.

You love watching me struggle. As if I would say that to you and you believe me that we'd still be working together. Yeah. We're not, everybody. We're not. What's that path there? It's not the path.

This is the yellow. It literally, that sign there, that little nub in there, mate, said yellow this way. I think we should keep to it. I'll tell you that much. I'll tell you that much. I'm very much having a problem with reality right now.

What do you mean? Well, because I'm a little drunk and also my whole field of vision is the cone of light from my torch and the rest of it is black. I knew it would be like this. That's just hope we haven't made some kind of error. And we're not walking back into the two.

That's the other way it can be. Do you like that better? No, actually this way is scary, I think for some reason. When it's narrow. Yeah, it's more long distance, isn't it? Yeah, because you're not getting the focal point in the middle where it's kind of unsettling. Yeah, yeah. Not in that focal point.

Oh, I'd live run. Well, where would you go, though? I don't know. I'd cry for a bit. I'd cry. I'd cry. I'd cry. I think we're all right.

I actually find car like... What? Plane accidents. It's more scary than anything supernatural. Okay. I think that's a legitimate. You're going on a plane, aren't you? Yes.

So you might have that happen. It might happen, yes. Is it a Boeing? No, I think it's an airbus. Oh. They've had an airfare of... They've had their fair share of deals. They've had their fair share of deals.

So, I heard it here. This is a bench here. It's a scary bench. It's got some of the plaque. I'm going to have a look at this bench. Let's see what Paul has to say about this bench. It says in loving memory of Fred and Joan Nash, loving parents, grandparents and friends.

Fair enough. That's all. That's all. Nothing funny to talk about there. Much respect to that. Dead couple. Shut up, man. Oh, it's true.

Did you ever go see my mate Dylan's bench? Yes, your bench. You brought it up every time we go past it. Sorry. It's fine. I just cut it out. I still grieve. You cut it out.

Mostly. Such a downer man. I'm not the man, I know. People die, Paul, you have to accept it. I know people die. I do accept it, people die. You do accept it, of course. You have to accept it, but it's how you need to...

What? You think I've got an unhealthy relationship with the idea of death? I do. To a certain extent. Yeah, I agree. Okay, there you go. And is that what this whole sort of ghost supernatural thing is about as well? Is it related to? No, I don't think so, actually.

Oh, we're getting pretty boggy now, man. It's getting boggy. Yes, it's this way. Yeah. I'm not going to say this is our worst walkabout, but it might be our worst walkabout. No, in terms of nothing happening, no, in terms of like,

I think when I thought I'd go to the scary woods, there'd be more to report. But actually, it's just woods. It's just woods. Plain. Look at that code in the sky of light. It's actually quite impressive. All right, we're getting.

getting there mate we're heading home now oh oh great Jesus it was a my little muddy patch there yeah we're on the firmer underfoot I know her oh yeah firmer underfoot hello I'll terrible she's got terrible what is it pong about her about a fanny it's the thing with Eli when a woman's unclean the root causes it a quim what psychologically psychologically what do you think that says more about you that you You find women unclean. No, I don't think that's true. I think that's true.

No, that's not true. I just think I have a weird relationship with death because... This is bad. I'm going over there. Go over there. Yeah, that was clever. Because it's too brushy over here. Yeah, sorry.

Right now, we're not even joking. This is super dark, pitch black. I'm glad I brought this torch. and it's super muddy as well I mean it's got to be somewhere in here mate what if this is Blair witch shit and we're just going to go round in round and round in circles forever

and then you end up facing the corner of a little cabin because this is the perfect place for it isn't it oh this is too mulcho sploggio muddo splasho oh I think it's getting firmer again up here You can have a no look with that. I'm crossing back over.

It's a foot better here. It's drier on this side. Yeah. I don't know. It's got to be soon. Hang on. Let me focal. I don't know, actually.

It doesn't look good at all. We went the wrong way. We haven't gone the wrong way because this is still on the yellow route. There's still yellow arrows. Arrows. What was that? That looked like something.

There's nothing. That was fucking horrendous. I must be muddy as fuck. Right, I think we're in close though, mate, so let's just get through this. You don't like a taste of banana coming up? It's the JD. That's not banana. No, no, no.

I think it leaves banana notes in your mouth. Yeah, maybe. Horrible artisan banana, man. You walked into me. Yeah. Like medicine banana flavour. Medicine banana. Flavour.

That type of medicine ball that's shake like a banana. No. Right, now we've got to pick another side, cross over. Right. We're following me, everyone. On, march. March we on, we go. Talk about selling Dean fucking trails.

All we've done is walk in a triangle, and yet it's been the hardest walk I've done in ages. It's just nuts. It's just too far out. It's just too far out, man. This is old-school Britain. Ancient woodland, mate. It's an ancient woodland.

Is this it? It doesn't look like it. We're still in the yellow path. There's the little finger. There's the ticker. There's the sign. Yeah, I see the sign, but I see no car park, man. I see no car bag, man.

Oh, what's up that way? We'll never know. Oh, mate, this is just fucking bad, bad, bad, bad. Right, you know what? We need to stop broadcasting and focus on walking. Look at that. That looks good, doesn't it? That looks like the way out.

Is that you need to check your phone up? There's that path that we were going to go up. I heard of the torch. No, this is fine. We're here. It's this way. Look, there's the yellow marker. We can't go wrong because there's the yellow marker.

Don't fall in that fucking... I'm not going to. Oh, you do it. Right, we're going to concentrate on walking. Well, that's because you're ahead of me, isn't it? Right, shut up, I'm pressing record stop. It's crying. Everyone, Eli's having a big crazy, crazy baby time.

Oh, yeah, come on. You got attacked by a moth. Eli's scared. Oh, we're lost, we're lost. Oh, it's all over. It's all I was going to lie in the ditch and die, as I predicted. although I keep thinking we're going to get there and we're not there yet

this has got to be why no this is with the yellow arrow points I don't know what else you want me to say it says follow the yellow arrows and we've been doing it shut up shut up you did you totally took this the wrong way today this is nothing to do with it I think so it's getting there I'm gonna walk away how about this how about that leave you alone in the dark Hey? Do you like it in the dark? Hey? Cunt.

Here it is. It's here. It's right here. I can see the posts. Nob ed. It's right here, knobbed. Got you. Gannon knew best after all.

Gannon knew it all best. I'm frightened. I want to go home. I'm just got to fucking ditch him. I'm going to ditch that cunt. I'm going to ditch that cunt. I've got the fucking train tickets. What are you going to do about it?

Fucking nothing. Oh yeah, and this is where we came off the path. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So, mate. Oh, we're here. All right.

Happy now, baby. Are we? Yeah, look, there it is. What a fucking shitole. Come on. do you want to go through this way so we can go back via that style so you can see if your books there then let's do that it's just up here there's the park we'll see find one we need to get a phone reception I'm happy to walk it because I'm not a baby

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do so anyway at least we've reached the exit finally after walking around This is just, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for this week's episode, mate. And last weeks, I guess. Do you have fun though? Yes. I do.

It actually is fun weirdly enough, isn't it? It's because we're a bit lost and scared. Yeah. Almost there now, though. We just got to keep an eye on this side. It's definitely the way. Yeah. You didn't see no fucking pink wellie, did we?

No. No children's pink wellie. No, pink wellie. No wellie. Wellies were noted upon this trip. So we just got to go to the far corner because we're bound to find it. I'm sick of the mud man. Well don't worry we've got loads of road to walk back. Let's not do that. Let's get a taxi man. Here's the problem with that. I don't have any money for a taxi on me and there's no cash machines I think you've noticed and I don't know if they'll use pay.

In your account. Mate, they might not use fucking chipping pin whatever. We're in the fucking kent. You'd be surprised when I went to Hemp or Hempstead. They didn't. I had to I had to pay with cash from a cash machine. Drop us there. Drop us at Caste London somewhere. I'm walking back if he wants to get a taxi. He could fucking do it himself. I think here's the style.

I think we're gonna see if Eli's lost his book here or not. Let's find out, shall we, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen. Is it here? Is it here? I'm getting close to it so I don't go past it. Going this way. I'm going this way. Yeah, it's this way.

Because the little pathway is this way. Oh, it's kind of unsettling. Let's see if I can find Eli's book before he turns up. I'll save the day and then Eli won't be angry at me anymore for making him do some fucking exercise. I just have a horrible feeling we've missed the bend. And as a result, we're walking alongside the fence. You know what I mean?

Maybe we should have just... I know there me that's it. Oh no. I just want to go home. I know there's a little sign there that says junction. So, okay, this must be right. Okay. I think I've lost Eli and all.

Is it here? Is it here? Is it here? This wood goes on for fucking ever. Jesus wept. I'm sorry that this is mostly me right now and not Eli. But I just want to get out of this fucking wood. Find this style.

See if he's left this fucking book there. Get out. It's all what I want to do. Have I heard noise? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes. Okay, great. I'm not stressing no more because I can see the exit. Okay, let's get here, see if he likes here.

Mate, is that his book? And his shades. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. about that then i can see him his little light darting in between the trees where are you yeah why are you going the hard way he he he he he he he he oh well you're the coward you're the coward well guess what i've got what i found you found it da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da uh... did it did it and i've literally not touched it that's how it is so you must have just left it there yeah take a photo of that i've already done it but by all means take your own if you want that's so

funny let's get out of it let's get out of here get your book and go mate fucking hell man right we're going to go back on the road in your bag yeah right bear with me right we're getting back on the road this is where the real nightmare oh that's terrifying i find that terrifying sound right we're walking on the road and elize fighting like a big baby Jesse and I don't care. I'm brave and I'm a man and I'm full of Jack Daniels and gin and Kapari and a couple of smokes and we're walking on the road. Yeah, we'll do it at the station.

We'll talk about Ribina then Eli. When Eli's happy and safe and he's not having a big baby moment. Don't you just wish... It's at least two hours? It's not two hours. Because we know where we're going and because we're going I've got to faff about. we're not going to take any side roads. It means that this walk, if we don't doodle,

should take 40 to 45 minutes, all right? Oh, it's only a nightmare for the unfit and lazy. Oh my God. Oh my God. The hypocrisy of you. For someone like me who's agile, sexual, you know, whatever. Look at this drain.

How are we going to avoid this car? You stop and you step to the side. It's kind of that simple, baby. See? He didn't beep or anything, did he? Oast House. Anyway, but it is very dark and to be fair, I'm not completely sure what we're doing is legal,

but there's no pavement to what we meant to do. Mate, you see the fog coming up over the fucking hill. It's crazy atmospheric out here. Anyway, look, this is just a little update to say we're walking on a road in the pitch black and heading back to the station, and there's some cars coming past. And then I raised my car. torch again so I don't blind the driver. It's called being a responsible walking man.

What? I take this right up here? No. What do we do? It's very obvious where the rights and left are so just follow daddy. Do you want to follow daddy? Do you trust daddy? Yes we do at some point but do you want to trust daddy? No I don't anymore because it's it's just been miserable hasn't it? I mean luckily I've got the buddha mind so I can bugger mind. Yes I've got a bugger mind. Yes I've got a bugger mind. What does that mean? It means I'm obsessed with bumming you but I will never do it because that will ruin my obsession. That's why I just that's why I do everything I do. I'll do anything for love but mate I won't do that. I would do that I would do that. I've done

that I've done that. How about that? Learned something about me. How about that? Revee-a. Too much. University. I am. I've stopped. I've stopped. Too much. Anyway, I had it once up my bum and it was fine but wasn't for me moving on. Like a fish cake. Yeah, it's not for me, is it? Oh, I see.

I thought you were actually comparing... What, being bummed to fish food? To a fish cake, I mean. There's all sorts of different types of fish cake in the world as well. It's a ditch. Anyway, that's it. We're heading back to Pluckley Station now with a little bit. A bit of look, nothing untoward will happen between now and then.

Talk about nightbassing, Jesus. This is night walking. Look at this. This is nothing. There's nothing here. It's just mist and fog and the occasional car. Right, I'm dipping my light. He dip your torch down when a car goes by. Oh God, stop it. Stop complaining. Stop it.

Hey? I get it. I'm almost on the same page. But just shut up now. Let's just get home. All right. You get a cab. No.

You get a cab. I'm going to walk it. I'm going to commit to this whole endeavour of walking there and walking back. And that's fine if you don't want to join me in that. Fuck the hell. Just saying. You're a dickhead. Let's not do this kind of walkabout again.

Maybe not. Yeah, keep it in the city limits. We've got, what we're doing that Liverpool one this year finally. Yeah, that'll be nice. That'll be nice. Yeah. But maybe, yes, Paul. in an effort to try and, you know, bolster something new within the show and do something daring may have overreached.

That's fine. That's what I'm saying. But what I don't need to hear is criticisms from a guy who puts little to no effort into anything he does, full stop. That's not true. If it isn't easy, you don't do it. It is true. It absolutely is true. If it's not on a plate, you don't eat it.

Think what you like. Think what you like. Look at the sky is good. You know what? I wish we could just take this moment and just look up at the sky. No, you wanker. I was actually trying to look for a beautiful moment then, you fucking cuns. Because the run up was a huge, like, deconstruction, wasn't it?

No, I just wanted to say, wouldn't it be nice if we could just sit in a field and stare at that for a bit. Oh, right, okay then. Your fucking moods do my heading. And actually, I genuinely hope a car hit you. You're a dicking. What? What am I looking at? to look at. Which one?

You see the big dipper. You can see a little. Yes. It's very clear night tonight. You can see the stars. The stars are shining out tonight. And these just because we're so far out. Oh yes. Because there's no light pollution. Oh, God. Yeah. Right. I'm turning this off. I'm just going to shut up and not talk to each other until we get to Pluckley Station. All right? Because honestly, your attitude's fucking me off. I don't want to. Can't do it. So sad, let's not.

You're such a fucking cunt. This is a nightmareish seven-mile journey. This is reminding me of like, you know, like David Lynch's lost highway. It's got that vibe. Look at the cars come around the edge and you just see the beam. Yeah, and it's really bad.

Oh, shut up. Shut up. If it was illegal, they'd all be beeping their owns. As it stands, this is a stretch of road that needs to be pedestrianised. So say I. Right, can I stop this fucking recording now?

Thank you. It is so hauntingly dark right now. There's a few houses to the left and the right, but they are swamped in mist. But everything else is just black. It's not mist here as we've been walking, hasn't it? We were marking on the stars.

And you can't see fuck all now. You can see fuck all. Crazy. We've really hit a, yeah, a fog cap. Fuck back. Yeah. It's like there's just nothing. Even my torch is like just like a beacon.

It's like a shaft of white light. Oh, look at that coming over the hill. Is it a monster? Is it a monster? No, it's just a car who probably thinks we're Dick Hedstford walking along this road. But he's slowing down. To be fair to him. He slowed down to be fair.

Consider it. But we have walked about half an hour. We're past the pork farm place where Eli got as expensive Cox Apple drink. And now we're honestly, I think 10 minutes away from the station. Because we get to the... I'll tell you. It can't be that much more though. I'll tell you.

Can you make sure that guy doesn't... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, it's fine. Eli's just going to check his phone. It's strange when the cars come over the landscape, over the horizon. The whole lost skylight. up with the mist. So I mean, I know we're in another internet black spot. It's not saying. Oh, here we go. Okay. I mean, 10, 16 minutes. Yeah, 10, 15 minutes, 16 minutes is about right.

But it's so, it's so. I mean, we are out of the woods, but we're not out of. Fucking hell, mate. I've never been out this late in a place in the country. That's this dark. It's ludicrous. I kind of love it. I kind of love it though. Just get back to the state. It's all very keep to the roads boys. You know what I mean? It's like very much American Wheelf in London vibes. Here's another car.

But yeah, hopefully we're not too far away from Pluckley Station now, which is good because all that booze I drank as the fun has ebbed away. What? Why? You play music and it's too loud. And besides, it's my podcast and everyone loves me. That's not true.

It's not true. It is. I mean, you can think that if you want. I'm the lovable one. I'm the one with a twinkle in his eye and joy in his heart. That is not what you think. Do you know, you're such a weird guy. I'm the best one in Cheap Show.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just an enabler for Eli's. I'm just so you're enabler, aren't I? Do you think if we hadn't started the podcast, you'd be dead by now? No, I do not. there's a chance but I don't think it would be much greater than

than the chance already you know what I mean I wouldn't change the odds of me being dead really I reckon I'd be dead by now if you hadn't started it yeah really well that's nice of Eli saving your life then isn't it by being in your fucking bookupress

oh don't read it that way I would hate you to misunderstand Paul Gannon and what he's saying here what is he saying I don't know exactly you never I'm going to be blatantly obvious. I'm going to be blatantly honest with the audience and you.

I'm trying to create content to warrant this being a two-part episode. We've been in the woods. You didn't like any of the things we did. It's a podcast. I don't. It's not as I care. I know they do. And I care.

I know you care. That's cool. But come on. There's a muff. I'm so fucking paranoid about the two-episode thing. Yeah? Put this on me. Every year you put this on me.

I'm just going on. I'm going to see my family. You'll be all right. You don't even like them, you say to me. Shut up. All the time, it's like, oh, I dread going over. I do not. The alcohol abuse and the drug taking and the, uh,

and the interfamily violence is just too much for me. Everyone heard last time and everyone loved it. All right? Footpath. I wonder if that footpath is related to the one that we didn't tell. We passed that one. I saw that earlier, right? That's the one we saw earlier.

I don't even know if that was a footpad. It's very confusing. It's not very clear. It's not clear at all. This is the most remote, scary place we've ever gone to. Love it. Love this. Beware lorries turning.

Works entrance in constant use. Yes, because the quarries up that way. Are you running stones on the podcast? Will someone do a strike on it? On YouTube? Does I turn it on? No, I don't think the level it's at. and the volume and the fact that we're talking

I don't think it will pick it up I'm just you know I know you're aware of it but at this point mate 10 years in who gives a fuck we do what we want we do what we want for better or for worse I know anyway I'm just going to turn this off now

this is the ebbs and dregs of this fucking idea of mine we should have to chase some hot ribina yeah that's fine that's fine I'm fine with that I'm getting out of the way I think that's the station I think that's the station

though just there because that's the bridge in it and shit so after a good I don't know 40 minute walk we are finally at our destination with Puckley Station and I don't know where this episode falls in the gamut of Cheap Show walk about episodes

some are obviously much better than others but uh this is very mid this feels like a mid episode I'm not going. Eli, where are you? How you doing? I'm knackered. My feet are quite sore and if you don't mind me saying so something's not knocking on Evans door if you don't know if you know what I mean if you don't know what I mean mate you have no idea. Since we walked up that road the last like 10 minutes it's just no Can I poo in your apple jar thing? Apple bottle?

That's a shame. It's a shame. No, it's there. It's a shame because it's got a wide neck your bottle, so I thought it might take one of my girthy droppings. I mean, it could, but you didn't really want to do that. It would be difficult. Have you ever tried to poo in a bottle or anything?

Yeah, sure I have. Do you ever tell you about when I pooed in that rock pool? No. Yes, I did. Well, tell me now. And it bobbed up, and there were people on the stairs going down to the beach, and they all laughed at me because they could see it bobbing.

They saw your bobbing little dropping bobbing. I did tell you that. I can't remember anything no more. I've got the mention Eli's got to have a stroke. That's how it's going to end for cheap show, everyone. Oh.

If this is a pub, why isn't it open? I don't get it. Have we made it back at a time? Yeah, plenty of time. I think we're going to have to kill an hour if you be... No. weird I guess it is yeah you're right

now it's the dirt shit where there's a footpath there's a footpath I know anyway it must be one of those kind of maybe it's like an Airbnb hotel kind of thing

you know like where we stay with Biffo that's time for the haunted church it's just not open on a Monday I don't think it didn't even look like a pub much though it does you can see the like the hygiene sticker

in the windows I see all that stuff but like if you're walking past it nothing about it says pub really it just looks like you can't see in on the ground floor kind of tudery kind of building and the sign looks very old maybe it is close and it just does Airbnb now you're right I mean I don't know how my face of that guy there by that house that's a green man yeah weird well that's what they love around here isn't he's been stalking us

isn't he the green man all night do you mean hey look at this this is kind of surreal I mean I know like the term lynching is thrown about willy-nilly but like it's crazy yeah right now it's because of the mist Extra atmosphere. Hang on, hang on. There's a train, beep-bop, not a train, car. Right, my brain is just not, haven't it? We've still got Ribena to do on the train, bro.

Well, we can do it here, can we? No. I mean, that lamp post with the fog, it's very ecstasystasy. Yeah, I'm going to get a shot of that. You get a shot of a lamppost, mate, fill your boots. Station's just here, finally. But it's hard to explain, because photographs I don't think will, like, cover it.

But, like, it. It's got this kind of 80s neon misty vibe thing going on. You can just imagine this John Carpnthinth's about to kick in and the shape just behind a tree, the mask and the knife glinting from a streetlight. I mean, the station, I mean, mate, this is just weirdly barren. But obviously not because you've got like houses here

just normal council. Not even council houses, just normal housing. How about this shot? I reckon this one's pretty good. Yeah, but it's got me in it. Yeah, exactly. That's why it's good, isn't it? Alright, well at least we're at the station, at least we won't miss a train. Well, it is. Well done. We've only got 14 minutes on the train.

No, we don't have 40 minutes, we have an hour. It's... When's our train? Well, I'm gonna find out now, but I'm pretty sure it's like 8.30. Train trip. 2037 it leaves. Oh my god, we've got ages. Yeah, we have, repeat it with me, an hour.

Almost an hour. Not quite. give or take. Repeat it with me. I don't think. We're going to have to chill out here for an hour. We can chill here. We'd have to record everything we do.

But let's just chill. We have a biff. Yeah, but that's like a one minute walk tops. Where are we going to have a bifth around? Anywhere, any, mate, on the lamppost next to the thing. It's like we've got options. It's just that right now we're in like... This is ridiculous, man.

We're at a train station where there's not. no one around. There is at least two people around. Someone in the car there can hear it. But it's not like we're on the underground, you know? I'm just saying it's quiet. It's desolate. No one's going to book us. I know. So? So I'm happy.

Is there a train that goes before? Yeah, but we can't get that because the tickets I bought have predicated on the deal that I got them before. So I don't think we can get an early one, or I, unfortunately. I don't think we can. Just get it. You can say, oh. No.

You ask all you like. No, I'm going to. Charing Cross, 2037, Platform 1 on time. How much has it cost to go to, let's say, let's say, Charing Cross. Beep, bop, beep, bop. Charing. Christ.

Well, the only Charing Cross it's given me is Glasgow. Wait, is there another one? Chowtonham, Chessington, Chippin and Chorley. That is the first one. There you go every year. Well, there's not, we're not going to Glasgow, though. Are we? Just put London terminals, you moron.

God. Yeah, and it says 25 quid. Yeah. I'm not paying 50 quid to take us home when it cost us 45 to get here. I take my chances. Anyway, it's all academic because there's no train before then anyway. Well, there we go. Apart from the delayed 1937, which we should so get.

We should so get that. Here it comes. We should so get that. No, I don't want to fuck about it. I'm not. in the mood. I'm happy to chill. I'm afraid it's coming that way anyway, so it's not going the way we want.

It's not the train. The train don't exist. It's not existing. There's people here getting off. Oh, why did you get off here? Because you live here. Oh yeah. See how many people? How many people? Let's have a guess. I'm going to say two. Nobody on that train. Two get off tops. I just saw four people on the train. They're not

getting off. I don't think anyone's getting off. We don't know, do we? Let's see. He's not getting off. That's one. But that person works for the train, so that doesn't count. Here's one person. One. All right, that's one. See if there's anyone down there. Yeah, we're going.

That's one. All right, it's two. So how many did I say two? So any more than that? And bust. Oh, that's three. Three. Still.

Still. Still. Three. Four. Four people. Not that many. It's cool around here, isn't it? Come on then.

Let's go and have a bifter. Have you got any coffee left? Yeah, I've got loads of coffee left. I need a strip of that, man. All right, let's go sit down and just chill. Alright? Alright, Love? Yes, now.

Let's go do that. We'll come back and we'll do us some of... Why does it feel more epic today, so for some reason? I don't know. I think it's because we're out of outside of London, outside of our boundaries. It's like you can't... I got totally muddy, but then it got washed off by the grass. Yeah, all the wet grass shit.

These are wrecked. My shoes are wrecked. I did tell you to bring appropriate shoes. I did. Well, then you're all right. These were ruined last time already. But aren't they leaky, though? No.

Oh, no. I didn't get... You got wetting those and those are, didn't you? No, these aren't well. It's because I splash in a puddle and it went up and over. Well, than up and through. Yeah, but yeah, but it did go in, didn't it? Yeah, it went in.

No, it went in. The wetness went in. It went in, but it didn't go in via failure of the shoe. No, I understand what you said. Yes, by the depth of puddle you were in. Yeah, and length of sock. I know what you're saying. Yeah.

I understand what you're saying. Right. I'm going to go and find somewhere to sit down, have a fag and drink this coffee. There's plenty of places. Being a Billy Bell End. I'm going to sit over. I'm going to stand by that lamppost

and look arty and cool. And try and figure out a way to kill an hour. It's all very quiet here now. I shouldn't have got up for that shrine. Oh, we didn't. So here we are. Me and Eli outside Pluckley Station. The mist has rolled away now. That misty fog bank's just gone now.

It's just clear and still and quiet. It's not clear. They're still a fair amount. of mist, but it was fog before. Just let it go. Just let it go. I'm just saying it's not clear now. It's clearer. It's clearer now. Thank you.

And it's still and it's quiet. Do you want to complain about that now? Is it not still enough for you? It's still and quiet. Yes, I'd agree with that. I just, my senses. Anyway, let's do the price of shite roundup. We'll do it right now.

Item one, right, was the past the pigs game. Remember last week when you did that? how much, I remember it's £10.50 overall. So let's start from scratch. You've seen them all now, past the pigs, how much? I'm not guessing again. You want to stick with you?

You've got the fucking thing on your fucking phone, haven't you? Well, you said, initially you said $2.50, and then you changed it later on, and I wasn't listening properly, so I don't know what you changed it to. $199. $199. Yes. Can I just give you a favor?

Nothing is 99 or 89P. It's either on the nose or it's 50, right? Two pounds. Two pounds. Two pounds. Next one was the ice. crushing device. One pound.

You're going to say one pound. That's the quid's gambit. The next one is the pickler device, the metal beard kettle pickling thing. Pickling, metal. Maybe when we get to a proper reception, I'll do another lens thing. How much you think that was? 150. 150, right?

And finally, the spy, kids, camera, night vision goggles. thermal vision device how much do you think that was six pounds six pounds right here's what it was first item past the pigs that was the quid's gambit

that was one pound that's crazy that's crazy cheap for that yeah a load of shit big sticker saying one pound on it and that was that so wow they got yourself a bargain the next totally new no no I know I know that's why I kind of grabbed because I thought he would throw you off.

It's probably someone's present. I'm like, oh, no, no, I'm not sure. I'm not sick of past the pigs. Past the pugs, now we're talking. I've never seen past the pugs in person. I've never seen past the pugs in person. I either.

Couldn't think of another P word. No. Right, okay, so second one, therefore, was the ice crusher, yeah? And that was... Fucking, I've got no... Two pounds 50. Two pounds 50 for that. The little pickler thing,

that was the thing I think I overpaid for, but I had to get it, I thought you'd like it. And I was right. Three quid? Two pound. What did I say? 150?

Yeah. I've got no pet twings, oh my. And finally, the SpyCam thing. Incredible. I got from Pinner. I got it from that shop gratuity

or gratify or whatever it's called where you can, it's just you remember, we went in and it's just everything everywhere. And you named the price. So I said to them, crazy shop. They said, how much do you want for that?

And I went, Fiverr? You went, Fiverr, really? So I paid a fiver for it. How much did it go for in the shops? I mean, originally, I think it went for 40 quid, but it came out in 2016, 2017, that. But it was minting box. It was unsealed and all tired.

It hadn't been touched in a decade almost. It has all those visual effects that actually, it's crazy. And you put a memory card in it and you record bits. So it is a video camera as well, essentially. Not a very good one, but yeah. You can only record as much as the quality of your memory card, right? Yeah. So I didn't put it out, I only put a 30 gig in, so I don't think I got much.

I did film some stuff. there is going to be a video version of this eventually on YouTube it's going to be for patrons first patreon.com forward slash cheap show if you want to support this podcast and get loads of fun stuff like that early but yeah I'm going to cut some of that stuff in because I tested it the other day to make sure you could actually get stuff off the

yeah they've come out to have a look at us haven't they let's go to the platform there's a house right next to the station and I think we've accrued suspicion so we're going to wrap up I've had a bit more coffee we've both had a bit of a smoke and we still have to do the hot Ravina we don't have to I guess we don't but

we can do it on the train as a nice kind of by-bye nice kind of thing right that should be what we should do with that so we're packing up the train is coming into the platform in the next like 15 minutes so the next time you hear us may be on the train

but Eli no betwiings for you today but I think you'll agree it was a nice selection of items if nothing else yeah Not a bad haul Oh good I want that pickling thing That tea pickler Metal thing

Definitely I might even When we get into making some pickles at home Do you? Yeah You get all this stuff That you can do them real quick Like in a day

You just chop up some Compute cucumber Get some of this powder stuff You can get the Japan centre Yeah Maybe use that Yeah Yeah

I'm just a bit wary Of putting like metal Into my food You know what I mean It's strange See when I got it I didn't translate it first I was just like

Oh this is an interesting Picked up And then I translate it's like Really, it does this. You know what I thought it might be? Because it was quite similar to that, oh, that milk boiler, that thing that prevents the milk from boiling over, you know? Yeah, it's weird.

It's like at a certain temperature. It starts to rattle it on the bottom of the pan. And it does work, weirdly. I did try it and it did work. But it is just like a weird, like, slice of glass, basically, isn't it? But yeah, anyway, look, no petwings for Eli, but, you know, well played, all the same. Ultimately, not too far off, but just outside of the Erper twing realm, really. Right, let's go to the platform.

Surprise, you know. But it's like a wild card, isn't it, if you go to that shop and you say, you know, and they just go, that's okay. You know what I mean? That's the whole thing. You can dump anything there and they'll sell it. And then you can pay anything you want for it. And does support charities as well. Yeah, okay.

It's a charity. It's a good system, man. That's proper old grip store sort of vibe. I like that. I like that. How much do you want to pay for it? Providing not a prick about it. Yeah.

Like, for instance, when I was there was. two old Irish ladies came in trying to buy a cabinet but it was like in two parts but it was sold as one thing right but she was like I only want the tap part and the one was going well it all comes together and it might be hard to say I only want the tap part

I give you a favour for it which but it's a bit more I'll give you a tap part for a favour and it was like really bullish and eventually she went no you have to take the whole thing anyway well I'm not taking that shit and then walked out oh my god so anyway listen I think even though this was meant to be a day in the woods this feels more like a day walking on the road.

It really does. Dangerous road. Muddy, dangerous, no pavement with cars coming at you. At you. Like Cleopatra. I kept thinking, like, if someone just had a murderous turn just now, they might just go, ah!

You know? They were checking their phone for text messages of that one moment. No, no, I was aware of it. There was even a point where I was like messaging someone and I was looking down, I realised I haven't looked up in ages and a car could just swung out and got me.

It was a bit... It's naughty of me. Right, have I got everything? Got my phone and wallet and charger. Miss rolled out. Miss rolled out. Miss rolled out. Let's get across that footbridge.

What's the last of its kind? What do you mean? What's this sign here? The last of its kind. You said it was like old school, didn't you? I don't know what it means. When we got to put my glasses on. Pluckley Station opened in 1842.

Is the last of the original South Eastern Railway, wayside stations to survive on the London Dover line. There you go. Oh, so like, no modelling, there's anything been done to it. Originally, the platforms were low, short and staggered, linked by level crossing. Siding's both up and down lines. Yeah, they've got rid of that. It's only one way out now, isn't it?

Yeah. And it just talks about the nearby buildings and Pluckley. What does it say there were the stations, like Platform 3? What says, 1874, a Tainal Signal Station on the left and the low platforms can be seen. chimneys dwarf staff and passengers yeah that's all gone 1890 that's what I said down there there was other thing down there

yes yeah yeah yeah 1890 there were over 12 no 20 good wagons 1927 locomotive 439 was made at Ashford Railway work I'm right do it and then 1984 they built this wooden thing which is you know on its last legs

but anyway there you go nice little stage Maybe I'll take a picture of this. Fuck it. There you go. Proof that we're at Puckley Station. Right, okay, I'm going to join Eli on the bridge. It's a very low-key ending, isn't it? Don't you think?

There's no high-energy romps or whatever. It's almost like we're too old for this shit. Eli, I love you, mate. Just for the record. I know we argue a lot and we have TIFs. But we couldn't do this if we didn't love each other. Could we? Okay.

Could we, though? All right, you say that now. God, my legs are fucking killing me, man. When I got up off the sit at the step, I honestly was about to how hard in pain with just like how stiff and achy it was. Jesus, wet. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Pluckly, luckily. Luckily, we're in Pluckley. Right, let's wait for this train. About 10 minutes, in it, 15 minutes. Right, the train's coming in, mate. Oh, it's whittling its way. down our way. I'm glad we're on the right platform. Here it comes. Here it comes everyone. It looks like you can hear the clitter-clatter on the tracks. We're getting out of Pluckley,

mate. We're getting out of Pluckley. Getting the fuck out of Pluckley. Get the fuck out of Plutley. Get the fuck out of. Wait, why is it? Wait. Oh, it goes down further past the bridge. I didn't even see that. That's what I mean about the misalignment. Yeah, that is strange, isn't it? It's like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh. I'm frightened. Oh, busy.

What if we don't get on? Don't miss the train. All under the bridge. Take it into the place I love. Like the door doesn't open. There we go. Beautiful. Here we go.

We have escaped Pluckley's grip. As long as the train down bright there. Oh, it's on the train down, right down. And I say that out loud, mate, could happen. Could. Oh my God, I'm so knackered. That was... It was brutal.

That thing really was. It's like it wasn't our longest walk ever. But there's something about today which was brutal. Yeah. I really needed to use better shoes. I just didn't want to ruin another pair, but... You just go do what I did. But in terms of the actual...

Yeah. Walking. You know, I need something like those, your one. Like Marel style I'm going to get some Morels Some decent ones Fair enough You can get them like you go to TK.K. Fridays What they call it?

TK. Friday TK. TK. T.K. Max. Yeah. You get them for 40 quid. I think I got these for like 30

from Shoe Zone. Yeah, but they're Shoe Zone own. Yeah, but that's because that means I can trash them though. It's like I don't care. And to be honest, these are after me three years now. Not great, but it'll do.

Are we going to have some hot beanie now? Do you want to do that now? Why not? Hey everyone, did you know Ribina has a hot mould version that they bring out? It's the last winter walk of the year. Yeah. Let's have some hot fucking beena now.

So you not want to get it out? No, let's get it out, but let's just do formalities, formalities, formalities. What do you mean? I don't want to taste it. I might be sick. It's why. We'll have to taste it some other time. I'll taste it another time.

I've got all that hot water in there. And I've got all that ribena in there. It seems silly not to do it. There's lots of things we've not done today. It's fine. It's fine, mate. Well, we're getting out of here. Let's just get out of Pluckley.

We're kind of back to come into Headcorn. Wasn't that what happened to your mate? Yeah. What happened, right? Yeah, he had anal sex with his friend. Yeah. I think he was a girlfriend. And...

Is he up for it? Obviously, yes. Yeah. But then he had a terrible infection. and his dick hurt when he peed. He didn't use a condom. And he got, went to an SDD doctor or whatever. No, he didn't use a condom.

He was with it. It was in a long-term relationship. I still have used one. Anyway, you know the inside a corn on the cob, corn, kernel. You do not have told this story like it. I like, I want to articulate it inside. Do you know inside a kernel on the cob, corn kernel? Kern of the Cobb.

Kernel on the Cobb Corn Canal. A corner of a Kern. A kernel. A kernel, that's the word, right? You know, inside there's like mini kernels, like those little bit. One of those right at the base of his urethra. Yeah, sure.

Sorry, good with us. Thank you. Thank you. And out at the end of that, chap, yeah. As we were saying, it's weird, because some routes you get on that are even longer than this

and more expensive and you never see someone checking the tickets. But both ways, there's been someone promptly checking our tickets. I'm not complaining. The government's bringing in this new cancellation plan now. This isn't a joke, by the way.

This is something I saw on the internet. It sounded like the sound too, you know. But apparently like they're saying, don't buy advanced tickets now because they can cancel them at 11.59 the day before. So if you wake up in the morning and your trains cancel or whatever, you don't get a refund anymore.

I know, it's something crazy like that. That sucks. They're already fucking gouging people. Anyway, they need to renationalize. Anyway, so the kernel bit. Yeah, that was it. It was stuck at the base of his urethra, Pee-P-tube.

I think that says more about his girlfriend's bottom hygiene than it does about... No, because you go right up there. I mean, there's poo-poo up there, isn't it? I don't wish I had started this now. Yeah, well, all I'm saying is... A lot of the things we've said and done today are kind of shit, aren't they?

Yeah. Oh, thanks to listen, everyone. Yeah, thanks for listening. You don't want to do the hot bees? I can't, I don't... I think honestly, if we have some now, I'm going to force it down and then be ill. Just have a sip of it? I'm not in the mood.

People are used to this show, disappointing them, so let's just keep on track. What are the odds of some nuns coming in here now? The chances of any nuns coming here are a million to one. That's good. But still, they can't. What's that for it? Lord of the Worlds. War the rings.

Can you... War the rings. Are we going to stop? now, stop talking. Do you want to stop talking? Have a little... Chill for an hour while we get into a chink-chown car.

Yeah. The heating's on in this train. I don't like it. Uncle Eli and Daddy Gannon are going to have a little nap, nap. All right. I like it. My finger's gone cold again.

Feel it. It's gone cold again. Yeah, I know. And then that one's warm. Maybe you've got Rynolds. Reynolds. Raynolds. Judge Rynode syndrome.

I can only appear in films of Freddy Mercury. Not Freddie Mercury. Pretty Murphy. Oh my god Wow Anyway You both knew he meant

Yeah I know Right we're in head corn We're gonna have a nap He didn't do much motion picture work Did he? I don't know That's a really good question I imagine he might have cameoed

And something Yeah but that's not a movie is it The Hivey and Rhapsie doesn't count Because he's not Freddie Mercury What do you mean he's not Freddie Mercury? The actor is playing Freddie Mercury in Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, the film, but yeah.

That's what you were talking about, right? That was Brian Singer, wasn't it? And he got really toxic, and I quit. They had to fire him or whatever. He refused to do any way. And they got the guy from press gang in, so there you go. Dexter Wenzel. Yeah, Dexter. Dexter.

Fletcher. It is Dexter Fletcher. Host of series three of Gamesmaster, or four. Might have been four. Yeah. Anyway, we know all about... He's a big career, isn't he? Yeah. He directed Rocket Man as well.

The El John musical. That would be pretty good. I enjoyed that a lot. Mate, I just want to shut up and have a nap. It's an hour home. Let's have a nap. Fine. We're old men.

Do it? Let's just accept we're old men now. Ladies and gentlemen. Is this an old man's podcast? It is now. It's a young man's game. This is the turning point. It's gone from young, vital, energetic, angry young man podcast to basically top gear.

We've become top gear. It's not top gear. You're Clarkson. And I'm Freddie Mae. I am not Clarkson. You're the Clarkson. I'm not Clarkson. I am May or Hammond. He can pick me either one, but you are Clarkson all over. Well, you've got a green coat on that makes you look like you own a farm.

Your views are abhorrent. My views are abhorrent. Yes, well done. And I punch producers as well. Producer. Can we stop talking now? I really need to just... Put me out there.

Stop putting your hand there. I don't put it right here. I'm going to go sit somewhere else. Is that a promise? Tickle, tickle. Can you please move out? Come on, mate. I'm never going to touch that, am I?

No. Not an old mind away. Jesus wept, Sonny. Come on, let's have a nap. Yeah, I'm after it. And when we get to Charing Cross, we'll say goodbye. How about that? Yeah.

You're having a burger. I'm having a burger. But that's going to be post-podcast content. We were going to do a... We're not doing that either now. We can do it anyway. Anytime though. I can do that anytime.

You know what, if you order one though, some, for some reason, milkshakes take forever, don't they? Yeah. Because the machines are often... Not in the mood. We can make it ourselves at a later date. Right, let's have a nap. It's hard to get milkshake at home.

That's the whole point. How could you get a milkshake at home? Like those nice, freezy ones they do. You know what I mean? They had like a staple year after year. It's because you can't really make them at home. Get a McFlurry. A flurry, my brie.

pouring coffee on it. No, not a McFlurry with coffee. It's the same difference in it, though. It's the same stuff. The milkshake in McFluid is basically the same stuff. It's not at all. You're full of shit, you're just spewing, like, don't bring your hand there!

Can we just shut up? Well, shut up then. You shut up. I keep wanting to talk. I keep wanting to stop talking, I have a nap, and you keep having to impress your abhorrent opinions on me. Just like James May,

and he's just like Clarkson. May, James May had pretty bad opinions as well. They all have fucking terrible opinions. It's hammered like in a wheelchair now and like... I don't think so. He had a really bad guy, so. Yeah, but he's had loads of them. Can we stop talking about top gear?

And the sort of nap... What am I'm playing? Freddy Flintoff? I'm Flintoff. He's he dead? He died, didn't he? Mate. I can't remember whether Freddy Flint is dead or not. I am not in the move for this now. Euscious. You don't have to say shit. Staplehurst.

We're off the train. We're not off the train. You're getting off the train. You can fucking have you. I will. Take you with my firm grip and crush you like an ant. No one's on the train so I can threaten you. It's basically what I'm saying. You're a dickhead.

Why can't you speak properly? Why can't you let it go? Why can't you understand that I have a problem and let it go? Hey? How about that? You do have a problem? problem. And you can't let it go.

Why is that? Because I have to work with you. Yeah, no, because you're insecure. Because I have to work with you. Because you're insecure. You know you don't do enough on the podcast, or you micro-manage stuff like this, so you feel like you have some kind of input.

Oh, my God. How about that? I'm going to break that psych. Isn't it? But it's a nice one, and I'm putting it forward. And I think the audience would agree. Hello, everyone. This is the end of the episode.

We've been on this train for an hour. And I'm done. I'm done with this. I'm knacked. I'm knackered and I'm done with you. This is the very, last thing we do together. And I hope when you do go to America, you don't

come back. Yeah? I can't stop grouching. Yeah, that's the other thing. I've been sitting here for an hour, hearing him go, bleh, bleh, bleh. Not only that, but, like, he can't just yawn. He has to, like, bellow, like, a fucking drowning elephant.

He can't just, like, go, ha. It has to be this whole fucking song and dance. Just an annoyance. No one cares. I care. Stop being so weirdly aggressive. Don't look at me like that.

I'll get you. I'll get you, but... The train, you stood up too early. And this is why I'm angry as well. Because the bing bongs went off and went, oh, we're coming into the station and said, and I got up, and now we're just sitting here. And I want this episode done.

We did a translation of that thing I bought you, the little teap thing. And it is a pickle thing to put in pickles and make up. Make the pickles taste and look better. But also it said like iron supplements or something, and you can put it in tea and put it and boil it in a cup. Make it irony. And if it rust, just scrub it and then put it back.

Bits of spruce it mentioned as well. I don't understand. Anyway, he's taking it off me now so he's got that. I'll put it on the wall. I don't think I'll try it on the pickles. I don't know. Maybe it's good. Probably works, isn't it?

It's a legit proddo. Dhabi, dab. It says, you know, it's an. iron, it's a piece of iron that you put in jars or boiling water or something for the help iron supplements and pickling processes. I've never heard of that before, have you? I've never heard of that before. I've heard of pickling. Are you losing faith in this episode again? I just want it done. I just want this all over. It's been one, it's been two, it's been two episodes for everyone listening. Ha ha ha ha. It's been one long fucking day for me.

Unlike some walk about episodes where we have a big long walk, we end it. I don't feel any reward for today. I feel like this has mostly been a day of walking along roads in the dark. Yes, it really was. And I'm just so knackard now. I feel like the wood part, the scary woods part of this episode, is almost like a tangent to just the constant walking on the roads and getting lost and going up and down the fucking roads of Pluckley.

Well, we did it. We were going back there. But we are. I've just bought tickets for us to go back at Halloween. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-bosh. There you go. No, wig. There's you out. There's you out. Yeah, the speakers are crap here as well.

Yeah, there's none in this. Bing-bon. No, there's one in every... Maybe there's a quiet carriage. The carrot, carriage, did you say? The quiet carriage. The quiet carriage. I'm a quiet carrot.

I'm a quiet carrot. I'm a quiet carrot. I'm a quiet carrot. So, no, won't stop quieting carrots until the quiet carriage. fighting carrots. Oh, done. Good, well done. I just got that out, didn't they?

Is it pulling into a station? Hey? It's pulling into station now. We're going across Thames, pulling into... Why do that? I just want to put it right up against your face. Put it right in my face like that.

Burp, sniff, glubble, snirk, glog. All the sounds that come out of your fucking mouth. I'm sorry. I am sorry. Rli-a-la-la-la-la-la-la-it. It's like... It's like...

It's just really troll-like. behaviour, isn't it? It's not behaviour, it's digestive, you know. Either way. It's digestive determinism. Ladies and gentlemen, all you need to know is that in a minute

we'll be saying goodbye, I'll stop recording, I'll say goodbye to Eli and then I won't seem for two weeks, and I can't fucking wait. Who wants to start a podcast with Paul Gannon? Hey? Email me. No one does. Oh God, stop it.

Stop making noises. Here we go. Bing bong. Bing bong. Right, have we got the phone? Yes. Because we still need to tap out, don't we? The gate might be open.

No, they're not. I can see. I can barely walk. I know, I'm really fucking stiff. I just know what's that now? It's like my thighs hurt, the back of my legs. All right, these platforms are charing across there. I never noticed with the hard deck.

Nicely lit and quite bright. Yeah. Nice platforms. Oh, God. My feet hurt so much. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Hang on. I've got to get me tickets out. So you use the first one. Okay. JBJ or whatever.

Yeah. And I'll use the second one. And then we're done with this. All right. Did you enjoy it? Parts of it. What is the best? pot?

Like in, I don't know. I can't think of any either. Maybe you enjoyed something in this week's episode. I don't know. Not the endless walking along the roads in the wets with the cars coming out. And the scary man in the car with the bum bum bum music, who then disappeared into the woods. I bet what was all that about.

Well, anyway, that was Cheap Show's first walkabout episode of 2026. And who knows? It might be our last. We're heading out. We're back here at Charing Cross. No hipster Hitler's here at hope. It does feel like a lifetime ago, but it was today.

I bet if he was even more for the listeners who had to listen to this over two weeks and Eli can't get through the gates now, so I'm just going to wrap it up. Thank you for listen to Cheap Show, the Cheap Show.com.com. If you can reply, not reply, if you can review, that's nice. Rate, that's nice.

And again, if you like this podcast and you'd like to help support its creation and ongoing production, the cheatshire.com. No, wait, the patreon.com at cheap, forward slash cheapshire. I can't. I can't, no, I can't. I am literally in agony just dragging my legs forward. We have to find a cash point. I know, we've got to find a cash point.

I can't just leave you, can I? There's one there, there's Nat West. Hey. Eli's going to be happy because I'm about to give him some money. So someone's going home, smiling. Right. Bye, everyone. I love you, guys.

I'll see you. I do love you as well for. Next week. And you'll be back by America from America by then. Yeah. We're back to good old cheap show fun. Yes. But right now I'm literally close to tears, and I want to end this.

So good night, everyone. Bye-bye. Thank you for joining us. Bye-bye.