CheapShow - Ep 487: Henry Croft's Tomb

Episode Date: May 15, 2026

It’s time to dive into another book in this week’s CheapShow! Thanks to a kind listener, Paul has gotten his hands on a book called “London Lore” by Steve Roud. It tells of the tall tales and myths of London, so the cheap chaps have a look at some places they are familiar with. They stumble on a truly nonsense poltergeist story that fails to impress, but their second story is a lot more interesting. Turns out that the famous “Pearly Kings and Queens” of the UK capital have a truly fascinating beginning, not in the East of London… but in the North? If all that reading isn’t your taste, how about some Sauce Report action? Eli’s been informed that there is a range of sauces found in B&M, that are based on Seabrooks’ crisp flavours! How good can they be? It’s up to the Sauce Professors to give them a proper taste test, JUST for you. Also, it seems all this “Content House” rubbish is getting TOO intrusive for Paul & Eli! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-487-henry-croft-s-tomb GET TICKETS FOR Ep 500 LIVE Cambridge Junction (J2) August 23rd @ 4pm https://www.junction.co.uk/events/cheapshow-podcast-live/ www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Paul, hello, did we win any awards last week? No, we didn't. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, everyone. This is the Economy Comedy Podcast, and this is a cold open where we just say a little hello and get you used to the temperature of this podcast. They've sold out. Who?

Whoever the fuck those cunts doing the podcast. Because we didn't win. You can't accuse them of selling out. I was holding your hand every time we were up for one. Brian was there, wasn't he? Brian Wecht, who was over in the UK who we hung out with. That was a fun time. That was a fun time.

We had a fun time. So even though we didn't win, we had a fun time. Right. There's all cunts out there. Right, well, hello. Well, that's how we like to introduce you to our podcast. No, I didn't mean your cunts. I didn't mean your cunts, everyone.

I didn't mean your cunts. Please keep supporting us and listening to us, please. Oh, I love it when you snuggled down. Oh, a horse's tail in the bin. Another pathetic performance for me, Lai J. Silverman. I'm the pathetic man with my pigeon wing. A horse's tail in the bin. Sniff it.

Mustie. Mustie. Peg me. Mustie. You can't stop me. You can't stop me. No, because you know what I can do? Edit this out so no one need to hear it.

I can. Just make the whole, hey, do it like an art piece. Right. Episode, whatever the cunt it is. Right, good. Episode. You're really showing your dedication to this podcast, are you? What, we're on 487, is it?

Something like that. I think 489. Ah. Or 488. Actually, you might be right, 487. I just pulled that literally out of my bottle. 4807. seven this is.

Wow. Nicely done. I did know what fucking episode. Even I didn't know that I knew that I know what episode. I can't remember the website address but does know

that epi episode number. Epi episode number. Anyway, we could just do it. If you really think my performance so far has been pretty objectionable and if I were to judge it myself I'd say,

about a three and a half. Like a wilted willie, petal Willie. Here we go what? Do you mean? Because I know what's going to happen. Sniff it like a horse's tail. You start off with a normal sentence.

You start off with the normal sentence. And then your brain goes, ah, fuck it. Let's just wing it. And then you go, Pretty Petal, Willy womb, swift, shuff,

you've pulled that out of your bot hole. It doesn't matter. That was still a sentence that people understood and could follow. What was? Me pulling it out of my bottle. No, I like it.

I like, I'm all for bot hole. I think that's a fucking, that's a profoundly funny way of referring to the human asshole. Do you think if... My bot hole. Come on, that's classic. I hate this podcast.

I hate this podcast. I hate this. doing this weekly. Oh, putting in my bottle. Yes. Right. Okay. Oh, put the horse's tail in my bottle.

What is meant to be a welcoming cold open to attract potentially new listeners to this is just devolved into word porridge. Word porridge. Hasn't it, though. Yes. Or you could say. Or I could just say hello, welcome to Cheap Show and start this fucking episode and move on from this horrible sticky business.

I don't know. It's come to a point, right, with the cold opens, right? Yeah. Where I just think, listen, right, what am I going to do? going to say, right? You know what you could say? What? Fucking sentence.

That would be nice. I like that. I've got plenty of them. You don't. Here is one. That's not a sentence. That's not a sentence. And here is yet another sentence.

No. No. Hey. Hey, hang on. Hang on. It's a statement. Listen. That's still a sentence.

I'm not getting into this. You have to write it down. You have to write it down. For it to be a sentence. Right. Go on write it down there. Okay. And then it'll be a sentence.

And then you read it out. Yeah. If it is a sentence. Yeah. I'll read it out if it's a sentence. Okay. Here you go. He's writing down his sentence now.

All right. Out loud, I've determined it is a statement, but it's a sentence when we're written down. This pen is real bad. It's making me look like a psycho. Yep. I can't. I actually can't do it.

I haven't got a pen. So Eli can't even write a sentence. I was going to... Ruth positive, Paul is correct. And for everyone who's following along at home, I was going to write the horse's tail. The horse's tail! The muttered horse's tail!

with the stinky underside. Stain it yellow. There we go. Not a sentence. Not a sentence. Stay in the pillow. Welcome to Cheap Show. Cheap Show.

I quit Cheap Show. I'm sorry. I've got nothing left. Paul, you're right. You got nothing. You were right. I've got nothing. So you just say things.

This is the Dregs. Can you just raise your hand when you actually want me to contribute? Dan Dregs. Danny Dregs. This is what this is. Danny Doodle Dregs man from the planet Horswift. Oh, you're doing it now.

Whittle one. You're doing now. With the horsey tickle. Tickle with the horsey brush. Now I'm having fun. A tickle with the horsey brush. It's fun. Yeah.

All right, welcome to Chief Show. It's an economy comedy podcast where Eli and I investigate the charity shops, pound lands and bargain bins of Great Britain. At all? And pull out what we find that might be of interest, whether to taste, to play, to review, to read, to look, to evaluate, to have fun. Paul, I was in the toilet today and I pulled out something that might have been of interest. about 10 years ago.

Your penis. Yes. I don't think it was even interesting back then. It was. People used to love it. They were very interested. People used to love it. They were very interested.

Who? Who? I'd mention my penis. I'd be in polite company, Paul. Yeah. I'd be in polite public company. I'd mention my penis. Yeah.

My penis. And you could literally see their ears perking up from across the world. No, no one perked. Oh, did someone say Eli's penis? I'm incredibly interested. Stop the press. Eli's penis revealed at the Ivy.

Yeah. Yeah. No one's interested in your sad phallus. Are they, really? My sad phallus. My sad phallus. Scrungy tip. Scrungy tip.

Oh, a load of smegma. Oh, a load of smegma. Scrape it off. Bogsy lid. one of our worst episodes. This is just nonsense. Come on then. You've got some housework to do.

I'll back you up on this, Paul. Thank you. Hello. You may be aware that cheap show is fast approaching episode 500. And to do something special, we are doing a live show. It's going to happen in Cambridge at a venue called the Cambridge Junction, which is the J2 venue within that building. I heard a lot of good things about that venue from other professional performers, Paul, you know. And I'm hobnobbing.

When we're talking about things like my penis. I think the account did it, didn't he says for your venue. He was very interested. Very interesting. Very interested. Anyway, we have a lot of guests lined up for this show, but it takes place at the Cambridge Junction on August 23rd at 4pm. August 23rd, 4 p.m.

Tickets are about 12 quid. Why, you're saying this now? When you say about 12 quid? Because I think they add little shopping fee, but I don't know how much that is. Usually around 150 to 2 pounds. I know that. So tickets are now available. You can go to our website, the Cheapshot.com.

There's a link there. If you look at the metadata or the description in your podcast app for this very episode, there is also a link that takes you directly to the ticket page. It is junction.com.com. com. It's junction.com. Forward slash Cheap Show dash podcast dash live. And you can get your tickets there.

Come, it's going to be a big old show. We're going to soon announce maybe next week some of the guests we've got booked. And it's exciting times. We have had a breakthrough in terms of casting, haven't we recently, Paul? We have another pointlessly elaborate plot for a live show. A little inside baseball behind the beef curtains. Just part the knickers to the side and have a look inside at the Pearl Clit Info dump.

Yeah, that's not a great sentence. Not really, is it? Who wants to see mine on? No, not quite yet. No one. Last week it was all ball bag related. Is it all shaft this week with you? It's tip.

It's the smegma tip. Yeah, well. Scrapey, scrapy. Bog seat lid. You know what I mean. Sniff the lid. You know what I mean? Oh, see me today like a very affluent waiter in that I do not need your tip. Anyway, come see the live show. It's going to be fucking great. Yes, please do.

And we are trying to make it. So if you are somewhere else in the world and can't make it to the UK, we are going to try and find a way to live stream it. But that will be a ticketed event too. Keep you here to the ground for that. We'll announce that later on down the line, want it in place. If you were really crazy, could you come along to the actual venue and also stream it on your device? That would be crazy because then you're basically paying two tickets. Yeah, but you can watch it. You could get a different angle, couldn't you?

No, because you'd probably get a better view sitting there. Yeah, but you've got a different angle. And also the live show is more exciting. You could be like, oh, look, I can see the other side of his head. Yeah, well, that's a stupid thing to do, and I don't think anyone should do it. I'm not saying we should do this, for. If I see anyone doing that, I'll kick him out. I'll drag him out, Barrymore style.

You won't, and you give them money back? No, keep it. In fact, what I'd do is, I'd show them. them, the money, and then I'd eat it in front of their faces. Eat the money. Why? Because I like a taste of money. Why do you hate them? They pay twice. They're watching it from two different angles. Yeah, well, they shouldn't have. And it's a distraction. If I got my penis out, I'm not saying I will. I'm not saying I will. Okay. I'm not saying I will, okay. I'm not saying I will. But if I did, and they were filming it from one angle,

and then you could be looking at it from another angle, and there could be a big discussion. No, it's not like a, it's not like, there could be a big talk. No, it's not like a fucking football match where they used a virtual reference. referee to check if the ball went over the line or not. It's like, we're not doing that. No one needs to see your penis. Least of all me, least of all the audience. You know what they call that?

When they use video to get the result. What? VAR. I'm suggesting it could be V-A-Gs. Vag. Vag. Okay. That was so not a joke.

How did that initial doesn't work? It just wasn't a joke at all. It just wanted to say VATG. Yeah, okay. There hasn't been enough people saying, Vaj on this podcast yet. No? Vaj!

I hate what everything this is right now. Can we move on? There's no way. We can't find anything funny. I think I might have to quit the pod. That'd be good, wasn't it? Nothing funny. Who could I get in?

Who could I get into a place here? No one. No one will work with you. No, that's true. No work with me. Sad really. Oh. Beyond the hood.

Oh, lepricorn in the hood. Yeah? Hey? No. Yeah? Right. Well, you know what? Nothing's worked.

Nothing has worked. podcast. They can't all be winners. I wish I'd said all that stuff about my penis now. I'm glad. You know what? I, in the present moment, wondering whether Future Paul's going to cut it out or whether you should leave it in as a lesson. You can't cut it all out. Could. Just cut it out. Oh, I need more. And then cut out any time you speak and just have it be me. This is going back to my initial suggestion. Episode 487

Yeah. Could be a art piece. An art piece. An art piece. An art piece. right like john cage's eight and a half minutes or whatever where you say sorry everybody there's no title to this week's episode because there's no talking in this week's episode no we couldn't put it you just cut it all you cut it all no they'd still laugh it up they'd love it i'd be listen none of this is going out anyway so listen they'd love it it all comes out i'm and art piece oh hello anne hello i've brought along some classical pieces of art okay what have you got to show us here

This one is called Mother and Son. Mother and son. Who's the artist? This is Chavachi. Chavachi, yeah. Chavachi. Chavachi, yes. And it's a delicate...

Have you heard, sorry, just to pause you then. Yes. It's Rubinesque, is it? It's very rotund characterisations of mother here. Yes, I can see. And she has her... I don't know how to say this. The pudender is so vivid.

Very pronounced. The pedendos poking out almost in... in a chioskiru and it's poking me in the eye almost I can almost smell and I get feelings from this Okay show me something else because it's really It's turning my stomach

I get it's turning I get a sense of en wee when I look at this Okay let me just put this one down There's a milfee quiff I'm cutting off that This one's called St. Swithin's Clunge Oh I love it

You can see the tomb there Oh and where have you been all my life. This one, it's got a huge gaping clans. This one is painted in 1676.

I can literally smell it coming off the paint. And Sid Swithen there, Lane prone. Oh,

fuck since Swithin. I'm all about the Vaggy Holt. It's a very invocative evocative image. Anne, please tell me you

have something else half as good as one more painting. One more painting. Where did she get these? This is, I have to get on the phone to Johnson.

Yes, that's right, Johnson. Get on the phone to Johnson you. I don't want to hear it. Just get on the phone soon. Thank you. This is the final painting for you.

I've got this one special. I made this. Tell me what you see. Oh, dear, Anne. Is it racist? I have to say. I think it might be racist. I love it.

It's the fanny. There isn't a fanny in this one. There is. I see fanny. I see Fanny, Annie. Right. Get fuck off out of the podcast, please. That's it.

It's done. like this then? I don't like it. That's a shame. The first two, if you leave the first two, leave those. Oh no, they're going to go for auction next week. This is?

Well, could I, why did you bring them in here? Because I wanted to show my art to fellow... Well, I don't like this one. Fellow art appreciation. I don't know where you got those other two. I fucking copied them. Oh, these are... These aren't the real ones.

Well, these are the real ones. The ones going on sale copies are forged them. So your name isn't Anne? an art piece. Yes, it is. Oh. But your fingerprints are now all over these. I haven't touched them.

You did? I did not. You did? I have CCTV. Have you got Johnson on the phone? Hello, this is Johnson. Yes, you touched them. Thank you, Johnson.

Thank you, Johnson. Have you two both fuck off? I'm going to stitch you up with the greatest crime. Get out of here, P. And that will do for a character bit. Oh, my fucking words. Oh, my fucking words. Right.

We're doing books and we're doing sauce. Oh, jeez. It's happening on cheap show this week. God, we're desperate for content. Shut up. Shut up. It's a low point for us. This is a low point for me personally as well.

Hello, hello. Hello, hello. Hello, hello. That's what cows do. This is hello, hello. They go low. Good moaning. It is I, LeClear.

It pulls page turners to part of the show where I get a book goer, don't you know? And I find something cheap or fun to read. He looks at it then he agrees Or maybe he don't No, maybe I don't But this is a subject close to my heart And this was sent in by one of our listeners, right? We're often accused of being too London centric on this podcast

And I don't disagree with that You know, we are limited by time and resources But we do our best to cover London And as a result, some of our listeners know that You know, we like London stuff And the history and the mythology And the infrastructure and the socio-political We do find it a generally interesting topic, don't we?

It's a very interesting city. It has to be said, Paul. A unique world city. We were sent this book into the PO box. Information for the address of that PO box is in the description for this podcast you're listening to on your app. It comes from, but online they're called Goblin Gubbins. Connor says, Paul and Eli, here's a London law book for you to take on your walkabout episodes.

It may give you lots of inspiration. Lots of love. Connor, so... Thank you very much. On the back, it's called, actually, it's called London Law by Steve Road, a wonderful collection of stories and legends, says Peter Aykroyd of the Times. From the traditions surrounding London Stone in Cannon Street to a Georgian account of the malevolent Stockwell ghost, London Law is a magnificent exploration of the folklore, superstitions and traditions found in the length and breadth of the capital city.

So it's a huge big book, I'll say that for it. It's got lots in. And it covers all a bloody London, doesn't it? So it's got chapters, and each chapter is broken down into City of London. An area. City of Westminster. West London, North London, East London, South East London, South East London, South West London. Oh, and that's it.

Okay, there you go. And there's lots of little stories in it. So is there any area of London you're interested in? Like, where are you based? North West, I always say I'm from. It says North London covers the London Borough of Barnet, Camden, Enfield, Haringay and Islington. Yes. I'm very into that, yeah.

183. I thought you'd pick some little bits, though. No. Do you want to hear about Alexander Palace in Woodham? Hamstead Village. That's where I was born. Let's see if it's here. East End Road, East Finchley. That's where I used to live. East Finchley. I was there yesterday.

Hampstead, 5, Glanet Road. Yeah, let's have that. 55 Glanet Road. Glant Road. All right, let's read this then. So I believe what this book does is it talks about a mythology from that part of London and then, like, debunks it or backs it up. Law, as I say.

So Elliot O'Donnell's haunted people written in 1950 tells a gripping story, quoting an article in Reynolds News that appeared on the 23. 3rd of September 1923. As his usual, for O'Donnell, he deliberately gives false names and addresses, but maintains that the story is true. So this is like, memory, years ago, we covered that journalist who would create stories and lie and make stuff up and change names to protect the Pope, but it was all load of bollocks.

I mean, it seems like it was a common practice. Yes. This tale involves Mr. Haglet, who buys 55 a glenit road whilst in a dilapidated state, knowing that it stood empty for a while. In the process of moving in, and having reached the point of some furniture, having arrived, Mr. Haglitt decided to rest and smoke his pipe, and then it quotes from the article. He went into the little room on the ground floor, which he intended to use for his study and sat down. Immediately he did so, and armchair opposite him gave a loud creak, and he saw the seat suddenly sink in as if depressed by a heavy weight.

So basically he said he someone sat down on the chair. He got up, shunting his chair a little as he did so, and almost immediately the seat of the chair opposite rose with a spring, while the chair itself moved as if someone was pushing it. Going up the stairs, he heard only footsteps behind him, pausing him every now and then, causing him to be slightly unnerved. Haglet continued to move around the house. A few days later, he met a friend who was a gas that he had bought No. 55, and predicted it would only get worse within six months. And from then on, things did get much worse, Eli. Haglet's niece, Ethel, who was staying with him, also started sensing things, as did Hannah the Cook, who distinctly saw a woman dressed in late Victorian clothes, carefully choosing a knife in the kitchen and walking out with it.

Apparitions also continue to appear, becoming more and more grotesque, evil faces in the mirror, and then finally, Haglitt gave up and moved out. He said, fuck that. And meeting his friend again, Haglet asked if he knew what was going on.

And his friend explained that a man had committed suicide in this house by cutting his throat 40 years before. Now, the sequence of events made sense. And Haglet understood that, rather than seeing a suicide, they'd been watching a scene play out, ending in foul murder.

So what it's saying is the... It wasn't a suicide. No, it was the ghost of the nanny or the me. who took a knife out of the kitchen and stabbed the stab. That's what they're saying. And he, because of all the hauntings he experienced, he solved the apparent suicide. I mean, it's one of those self-contained ghost stories that ties a bit too fucking neatly in a boat.

Also, why didn't the friend say beforehand? That exactly what? Yeah. Are you moving into 63 death house, Eli? Yeah. Yeah, I am. Yeah, why? That's bad that.

Why, though? Oh, see, I'll tell you in six months. No, why, tell me now. I'll see you six months, mate. How can you tell me now? 66 death house. Listen, I'm about to move in. Tell me now.

No, no, it's con. Are you my friend? Are you my friend? Just thought you might like to see for yourself. Are you like, are you my friend? Just carry a knife with you at all. No, are you my friend? Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.

Why wouldn't you tell me now then? Just because, you know, I don't want the best for me, day. I don't want to affect your decision, do I, of moving in? You might like it. You might not die living there at all I'm saying. I shit everywhere. I'm shit, I'm shit. Oh, I'm sorry, everybody.

Have you got that out of your fucking system now? So I can't five. Glanet Road. Ah, no, it's not familiar to me. Or the road doesn't exist anymore. Well, that could be the case. There's also that, but I typed in Glanet Road Hampstead and absolutely nothing came up.

And I've spelt it correctly, GLA, N-E-T Road Hamstead. I wonder what happened to happen? I mean, it's purely fictitious. The whole thing, reeks of fish. It does. Yeah, there's no... There's the whole thing with a friend. And also, how does the reporter know about all the...

I know, exactly. It's told in the first person almost, the haunting bit. You know? It's like, I moved and then it moved And then like, how does the fucking report know that? It's all that friend of a friend toad, isn't it? My mate of a mate said that this happened to his mate. Yeah.

You think, oh, did it? Yeah, yeah, definitely happened. Also, it just has the ring of an episode of fucking Scooby-Doo. Well, it sounds exactly like every single ghost story you hear of a man who buys a house that he probably couldn't afford and then is warned about something spooky and then sees spooky things and then moves out and goes, oh, and wipe me hands of that. It's more likely that he bought a shit hole that he couldn't afford

and was like, oh, this place is riddled with demons, I'm off. Yeah. And it's weird. It's like the Dharma House. It's related to that, isn't it? Because they tear down places where terrible crimes have been committed, don't they? Yeah. As a sort of law, they do it.

And that's funny. Apart from that house near up by Mussel Hill. The Nilsson House, yeah. It's still there, isn't it? No, I think they actually tore the actual structure down eventually. Oh, okay. I thought that was still a rentable property. Perhaps.

Because he had two properties on that same stretch of road. Oh, did he? But which one was the one he was caught him with all the stuff stuck down the toilet? Yeah, one of them. I don't know. Yeah. Anyway, do you want to read another? Do you want to read one out?

Do you famously said that the body parts were? KFC. Yeah. That's my excuse as well. That's just something about that detail is just so... It's kind of shit and lazy. Yeah. Because I don't know about you, but unless you go to KFC in the Flintstone's world,

bones ain't going to be that big down the toilet. No, that's a mega leg, isn't it? It's a mega leg. Nielsen's mega legs. I didn't like that story, Paul. I'm sorry. Would you want to read one out? Yeah.

All right, hang on. Right. This, my friend, is buried at the end of East End Road in East Finchley. And that's why I'm going to read this bit about that. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's a bus stop. You know when you're on the North Cirque, on the three to just past the graveyard? Yeah. East End Road, remember? Is that it? Yeah, that's this. That's where we did that walk. That's right. I love walking. I love walking around there. There's other parks around there. That was the Bad Boys of Subur episode, whatever it was. Right. That one. Great. I love it around there. It's very liminal because of the road. I'm into Finchley. I was there yesterday. I like going to bit different. past of Finchley and checking them out. It's all right Finchley. It's massive. Yeah. Because I got the bus north out of East Finchley. I mean, we both found it depressing living there

for the time we were both there. I got the bus north out of East Finchley, where you used to live, obviously. Yeah. Past Alan's record shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yesterday, there was Sunday. Oh, yeah. And I looked over out. The bus. I wanted to get off and go in there, man. There was loads of people in there. Oh, that's good. It must be with his best day. And then I... Whenever I go, it's always fucking closed. And you go down past East Finchley down that way. I don't know it much, but it's where that graveyard is, where we started that walk to get to copp its wood, remember? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, I do.

So a lot of love for Finchley. That's the Boys of Summer episode, as I was saying. I got a lot of love for Finchley, deep Finchley. But also, going further up that way is where we did one of our Golden Quest episodes. Yes. Because it started by High Barnet. And that stretch from East Finchley to High Barnet is like a really interesting nether space of London.

Yes. But you're coming in out of suburbs and areas. And also when we went down the Dollis Brook, that goes through. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, we've had some, cheap shows had some good times in Northern. We certainly have. Now, and this is an article from the book, London Law.

He's called Steve Rood. Yeah, I think they're quite... Rode. Rode, Rode. O-U-D. Rode. Road. Like Rudd-Hullet. Rudd.

It could be that. Raoul. What about Flemermeister? Okay. You ready? Clit. Scrapey, Scrappy helmet. Don't mention horses.

Whatever you do. I don't tick her with the horse brush. Okay, I'm just trying to get a position. A position, yeah. Here we go. You're ready. though. Yeah, I'm going for it. This is from London. East End Road, London, East Finchley.

East End Road, East Finchley, yes. In East Finchley is the grave of Henry Croft, 1862 to 1930, generally acknowledged as the originator in around 1880 of the Pearly King costume. Oh, really? Croft was an orphan, brought up in the local children's home, and

for his whole working life who was employed as a municipal road sweeper for St. Pancras Council, but a great many sentimental legends have accumulated around the story of his life and the foundation of the Purdy fashion. I thought it might have been older than that. I also thought it would have been an East London thing. An East London thing, yes.

That's exactly what... Is he born in East London but died? No, he's born in East Finchley. He worked pancras. He's a road sweeper for Pancras Council. That is... Which makes sense, because that's what they call the graveyard, isn't it? The St. Pancras's Graveyard, even though it's...

They do, don't they? Yeah, up there. That's why... Yeah, that's why you get confused when you say that... He must be in that graveyard then. Well, that's what they said there is, yeah. Yeah. St. Pankrasbara, who he was a road sweep before, surely is the one in... Near Kings Cross Station.

In central, yeah, weird. But then why do they call that graveyard st. I don't know, maybe we'll find out. I don't know. Good connection, though. It is claimed that he grew up in an orphanage where he was taught to use a needle and thread and that upon leaving he was determined to fulfill his promise

to do something to help the other orphans. It's also suggested that he never grew to be taller than five foot. I'm loving this guy now. Yeah, I can see why you appeal to him. He appeals to you, rather. And had something of an inferiority complex. Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep going. But was fascinated by the local costamongers.

Yeah. With their flash clothes, ready wit and independent spirit. Now, what is a Costa Munger? Isn't it just somebody who like sells random shit? Hang on. We need to know, because that's such a cool word. It's a word that pops up at every Disney film set in the UK. Costa Monger.

I know, a fishmonger. Oh, okay. Costa Mongas are traditional British street vendors, primarily operating in London who sell fruit, veg, fish, another goods from stalls, barrows and cars. So I wasn't too far off. It's just general... Where does Monga?

A monger. Was like Iron Monger. It's like... Ironmong, I'm just trying to think of things where it still exists in modern parlance. Yeah. You've got fishmonger, that still exists. I could actually tell you right now. Please tell me.

So here's been definition. Etymology, the term originates from costard, a large, ribbed medieval apple, and monga, which literally means apple seller. Oh, monga means apple seller. Yeah, but I guess over time, Manga became the word seller, so iron cellar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Costum monger is like a fruit seller. And these days it's used as a sort of pejorative to kind of call someone a maniac.

about something. Like a murder mongo or, you know what, like what, like a sex monger. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sex monger. Now that is good, man. Soaks in the night looking for some slight sex monger. He's a sex monger.

Fucking great. Now, pulls your panties down. Watch the sound hits the ground. Sex monger. It's basically like someone who owns a supermarket but sells it all from a stall on the street. Okay, you ready for me to continue? One last thing. Cost up mongers were known for their strong ties to communities. They often set up or ran penny gaffes, which were low-cost theatre entertainment.

Fucking cool. They're probably like little Svengali entrepreneurs, weren't they? And they would help with cohabitation of partners who didn't want to do legal marriage. I don't know what that fucking means. Well, it costs you money to marry, right? If you're dirt poor, you don't want to get legal marriage, but you still want... Maybe you couldn't get a property together to live and something like that, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But also, yeah, they paved the way for open-air markets. with figures like Pearly Kings and Queens coming from those kind of communities. So that probably leads into what are you going to finish off? Yeah, definitely. Our hero Henry Croft was fascinated by the local costumongers with their flash clothes, ready wit and independent spirit. They really feel like they're sort of like community leaders almost.

Yes. They would have been though to some extent, right? Like little local mayors almost. Yeah. And it also reminds me the way that they put on shows as well. So they're almost like dramaturgies as well. And it reminds me of like James Brown early in his career and Solomon Burke, they'd make sure that where they played a gig,

they'd like get a cut or even run the concessions. Yes, of course. Sell the hot dogs and everything, you know what I mean? Like, it's this entrepreneurial. They are said to have ignored and derided him. These are the costamongas. Oh. Poor old Henry Croft.

Perhaps because he did such a humble job, he was a road sweeper. It has even said that a shipwrecked cargo ship flooded the market with cheap mother-of-pearl buttons just at the right moment. Earlier costamonga dress certainly included some shiny buttons. Yeah, some flair. But Croft decided to take this to excess, covering a whole suit of clothes with the things. And the legend states he was instantly acclaimed by the costers and declared their king. However, as none of the writings of the principal perpetrators of the legend contains an acknowledgement of a source,

it is impossible to sort fact from fiction. Has a mythological ring to it. It does, doesn't it? Because it's all like all this confluence of fortune where it's like a shipwreck of pearly, you know, mother-of-pearl thing. comes in, he decides to go overboard, all of a sudden he becomes their king. It's like, what is he, Superman? Ooi, why you sweep the road, you can't. Get out the way, you fucking wanker. Then he goes behind the corner, puts his little pearly jacket on that. Why, it's the pearly king, as I live and breathe. How are you doing? It does have, there's certain things

about it that, they sort of ring true that people, often mascots were actually little, were children. Do you know that? That's how the mascots started. Well, that's like how they got Bisto, kids. Yeah, comes from that. This is a bit like that. You can see that definitely did used to happen, like a small person or a child, would become a sort of revered, pretend king. It's like, you know... It's almost like when someone goes on Big Brother becomes the breakout star,

and then everyone's talking about them, even though they're a fuck-up. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of almost like that. It's like that, yes. But you are right as well. So that bit kind of rings true that he becomes some kind of folkloric hero or something.

You're right. The whole shipwreck buttons, it's like it's got the structure, the story has a structure of like a fairy tale. I tell you what it's got the structure of like a religion or something like an origin story you know like the Mormons how it was all like

oh he found the hat and looked in it it's like it's got a tinge of that to it's got too much serendipity in it's too much coincidence in it to be too much like fate guiding the hand of an identity in a group of people yeah absolutely so I'll continue until about 10 years ago

his tomb this is the tomb of Henry Croft was graced with a life sized statue of him in his there's only five foot so you could do that Put a Lego statue next to it. Of him. Until about 10 years ago, his tomb was graced with a life-sized statue of him

in famous purled suit and top hat. Nice. Which appears to have been added to the tomb four years after Croft's death. On the 12th of September 1933, an Australian tourist, A. M. Reeves, reported the responses he had received

to his question in the Times about pearly kings. And here is, I quote, I was offered a life-sized stone statue of Croft wearing his marvellous costume. The statue was ordered some years ago from a Tottenham stone mason who had sculpted it in Italy but could not collect the payment £200. So what?

He was basically what it's inferring is that he was flogged the tombstone. Someone stole it. Yeah. It's like, oh yeah, no, no. Yeah, the maiden by the most delicate hands in all of Italy carving this, mate. Oh, that's to come from Italy, mate. Yeah, that's going to cost you. Oh, I don't know.

$150,000. I can throw in. Do you want also for just five quid extra, I've got some angels, stone crosses. I've got like... I've got a nice little barrel of welks as well How would you get welks in a graveyard? I've got to shift these welks as well. Yeah, it's all part of the package, isn't it?

I was doing a joke about other bits of masonry from the graveyard. I'm throwing it, the welks are fine. The welks are fine. I've got to get rid of these wokes. Right. So this Australian bought it. It was like, where does it come from? It was like maybe check the gravesyard.

Someone must have taken notice because the times of the 1st of June 1934 carried the following piece. Again, I quote. Okay. The Reverend. A. D. Belton of Whitefield Central Mission Tottenham Court Road unveiled yesterday in St. Pancras Cemetery a statue of Henry Croft, the Pearly King, who died four years ago,

and who collected over £4,000 for charity. The statue represents Mr. Croft in his pearly king clothes, with top hat. Hundreds of people gathered to watch a procession of pearlies who had come from all parts of the country and gathered round the statue. It's got nothing to do with the East End. No. It's weird.

But they took it on. Maybe it was because, when you think about marketing trade, in London. That's where it ended up. Yeah. Because I'm sure Camden Town had this. I'm sure like, what was it? Portobello Road had that as well.

It's associated with the costamongers. Yeah. Okay. But obviously the concentration of it in the East End is probably where it flourished. And also it lasted longest into the modern age. Oh, there's a statue. You want to see the statue.

Yeah. There you go. Oh, there he is in his top. Ah! We'll stick a picture on our Instagram and website for this episode. It's a shame because you can't really portray the brilliance of his stute with that in Alabaster. See how, if you look closely at it, they've done like little holes in it or something to give it.

That would give you a tryptophobia. Oh, yes. Big time. He's very mottled and honeycomy. His weird honeycomy vest. It's almost porous. It's very much porous. Yes.

And we're all poorest at the moment, aren't we? With the state of this, fucking country. Fucking can't. So does that mean there is a grave in that one in East Finchley, in the grave on in his finchley? There must be, yeah. And there's also a statue, Nick King's Cross. I'll finish the article. Okay.

Okay, so unfortunately, in the late 1990s, the statue proved just too tempting a target for Vandals. Yeah, of course. And was repeatedly damaged. It has now been replaced by a marbled slab, bearing a photograph of the statue, and the original figure is safe in the crypt of St. Martin in the field's Trafalgar Square.

Oh, okay. That's where it is. Henry's original suit also has its own tale to tell. According to a report in the evening standard, on 10th of the April, 1974, it was dramatically unearthed in an attic in Romford. An article by Mary Braid called The War of the Pearly Kings that appeared in the Independent on the 7th of July 2001

details the strained relations between different factions in the pearly world and mentions 25 antique suits including Crofts which had been stored at a secret address for their safety. They're all different fucking factions of the purlies trying to get hold of the original... Gang warfare. It is like the Mormons. Yeah, it's weird. Also, just going back to the whole thing about the pearly look,

It doesn't say where that mother of Pearl came from But apparently what he started doing was creating the suit covered in it And using that at Fates and Fairss to raise money for charities So it's almost like look at the crazy suit I've made And there was one called a smother suit Which is covered in thousands of buttons Right And then they have a skeleton suit

Which has things like anchors and horseshoes and wheels And other things other little badges Like charms and brooches I love it, Paul And then that became a way of raising money for charity. We should do a cheap show, trinket suit, man. Oh, I.

We could, man. You know what I love about this story? Yeah. It's like, almost like folkloric. It's almost like a folk religion. It's almost, you know, like that kind of thing. Yeah. And it's also just about showing off.

But also then it's turned to good. It's about serving the community as well. It's just sort of a... That is what is good about it. It's sort of a nice thing, isn't it? I mean, in real life, you might have been a psychopath, serial killer. Brute.

You know what I mean? In the world of yesterday year, Paul, surely these costamongers would have had to sort of, they would have had to be unscrupulous in certain areas. Wouldn't they? You know what I mean? There's crime, I'm sure. Like, you know what I mean?

Levels of dodge. There's levels of dodge. Also, turns out that the Pearl community teamed up with a man called Daniel Dean. And Daniel Dean put together a way of making more money with advertising and then created Pearl and Dean. Oh my God. You made that up right now.

Yes, I absolutely just did. Yes, I did. because I couldn't think of how to finish this segment. Oh my God, that's terrible. False information. You said Pearl earlier on, and then I was thinking Pearl and Dean already. Yeah, that's why I did it. No, it's not.

I used Derham Brown Blind Games. Turns out he's a cant. Well, yeah, it was Quel Surprise, isn't it? That's a great book, and we might use that going forward, because I think we might get some lovely stuff out of that when we go on a walk next time to X, Z, whatever. Wasn't that guy called Paul McKenna, who was a mentalist as well? Yes.

My mate was in his kitchen and it smelled of bad bins. And he thought, oh, this, it was sort of like in the basement. And he thought this is the underbelly. This is the horrible. Yeah. You ever thought that maybe it wasn't bins, but bodies? Yeah. Or like disastrous mentalism experiments gone wrong.

It's like, take a seat. Now imagine this. I get, and sleep. Oh, I killed you. No, no, I'm like, and sleep. Now, you can see the knife to the side of you. Oh, it looks tasty, doesn't it? You want to run your tongue all over it.

Oh. Yeah. And now, oh, there's an itching your eye. Oh, it's just you can't get it. Maybe use the knife. Push it. push it in, push it in. Oh, he's killed himself.

Put it in the bin, please, Mrs. McKenna. Oh, I'm Mrs. McKenna. I've done so much body buries. Shall I clean your breeches? Yes. Lick them? Anyway, I know. We ended this with a bad taste

Paul McKenna serial killer gag. Sorry for the comedy, everyone. Sorry for the comedy. This episode of Cheap Show's been brought to you by Content House. Yes, rough, rough. It's Richard here at Boss of Content. Do tune in.

All sorts of exciting things have been happening on the platform. Oh, did you see? Dean Yet is getting very angry with charity shop vampire. They really don't cohabit well. And if you like dirty pranks, tune in to Lady Plots and Squishy Gym. You've been plonked. Whoa, it's stinky.

So listen up for details of upcoming live stream extravaganza. Coming up, it's a massive fundraising event. Rough, rough, so we want you all to stay tuned. Content House, Rough, Ruff. And now we return you to your ordinary podcast, Ruff Ruff. Do do, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Hello everybody and welcome to the source report. Source report.

I'm Eli Silverman. I'm the head of the source report department and I'm joined by our newest recruit. I'm the company secretary. That's Paul. Jeremy F. Paul, if you just do the bit where you say, and now over to the hot sauce desk. Okay.

The hot desk. Hot sauce, hot desk. The sauce hot desk. The sauce hot desk. And now over to the source hot desk. Hello, it's Eli Silverman. You join me at the horse. What, you've got a weird thing about horses this week as well, I've noticed.

Also, when you're laughing. Horse dick. Stop head, butt. I suck horse dick. Right, focus. We're doing well. Do that again. I can do it.

And now over to. to Eli on the sauce hot desk. Hello, it's Eli Silverman, and you join me at the sauce hot desk. This just in, McDonald's are now doing a hot mayo. Bong. That's all I've got. Oh. Also, I had the, they're doing Frank's hot ketchup on the breakfast.

Bong. So you can get a double sauce egg McNuff. And also Burger King are doing a Galactic Star Wars Mandalorian meal. And I asked for the cheese sauce that came special with it. Did I get one? Did I didn't? No. You need to get hold of that.

That's also right. Yes. I'd like to chase that. I did make an effort. McDonald's, they haven't done us. They've resisted a spicy mayo for a long time in this country. Because you've got the supercharger at KFC, which they've been going mad for.

I know. Which is basically the best thing KFC does. I know. It's sad, then it's sad. It's a sad, then it's suck. Everything else. Terrible. Yeah.

KFC stands for bad food. Yeah. Kentucky fucked cunty. Yeah. You're doing well. Nice, nice. Very, very, very swifty of you, almost. Right.

So anyway, we are doing. Now we've got, yes, what is happening now on the source report. And that's the news from the source hot desk, Paul. Back over to you with the main body of the source report. Do, do, do. Thank you, Eli. So this came in on May 7th on our Blue Sky account where you can find Cheap Show, which is, you know, your port, your entry spot to the Source Report.

The Source Report. This was brought to our attention by a gentleman called James Quinn. Thank you, James. He's a friend of the source and the report. And then he wrote this, Cheap Show, Foghorn noises. Or, yeah, it is like a cow. That first one was more like a fulcorn. I like it.

I like you. I like it. Sound effects with your nose. Anyway, another urgent source report with the fervent hopes that these crisp-flavored simulchra are free of lad-baby influence. They're starting to appear in B&M stores nationwide now,

and then he shows two pictures of what we're going to try today. They are... A whole new range of sources from your friend at... Seabrooks. Now, Seabrocks are mostly known for their ruffled crisps with great flavors. They are... And they're cheap. They're crisps.

And do you know when they started? No. 1945. Do you know where they're based? No. Bradford. I think we covered this before, probably. It's likely, isn't it?

But it doesn't matter to have a refresher. I'm fascinated by them. Do you know what their turnover is? Isn't it a kind of pastry thing that has? 28 million a year. Oh. And I wonder where that puts them on like the most popular brands, Chris brands in Britain.

Do you think Golden Wonder's still bigger? No. I wouldn't have said so these days. It's weird, isn't it? Or they had that fire and it ruined their industry. They certainly did. That's a great program. If you can search out on the podcast as well.

Yes, but there is a great Channel 4 documentary about the crisps, yes. Oh. But basically, that's one of the things that allowed walkers to become dominant. They are. Was the big fire at Goldilwanda. And also, Lays could have come in at one point and give them a cash injection to give them the boost that they need. They were Petsico at the time, but that's what happened. Jess said, bought Walkers in the 90s.

Now, Paul, C. Seabrooks, but I'm just, I'm fascinated because I love these sort of third-rung brands. Like, I'm fascinated by R.C. Cola, and I don't mean a cola that's been up a bum. Do you know R.C. Cola in the States? I know. That's like the fourth biggest brand or something.

Don't they do Jolt Cola or something? Is that R.C.? I don't know. I may have been, yeah. Anyway. So they don't do Jolt no more. No. You can't get Jolt no more.

It was over-caffeinated. That was the whole point. It was over-caffeinated. Which you think in a world of red balls and shit, wouldn't anything else? Yeah, they should bring it back as a sort of energy drink cola. Yeah, I drink that. It was very sugary as well, Jolt.

But, you know, these third tier brands. Yeah. Now, interestingly, these are crisp baked based sauces. And mayo sauces, beefy. We'll get into it one at the time. I looked at the back of the bottle to see if there was another company listed. Because you know, like most of the things, it's like, oh, it's a vimto lollipop. But it's not.

It's just a company that makes sweets that have bought the license and the flavour profile. Put the skin on. So it does say this is a Seabrooks' Crisps product. And the only thing that it talks about when it comes to companies is something. called D2 International Limited based in Swinton in Manchester. You know what I also found out from the Wikipedia article? What? Seabrooks was bought out in 2018 by a big corporate, but you know what it was?

Caliby, which is the Korean fried chicken place. Oh, weird. They own Seabrooks now, the UK branch subsidiary of Calibybee. We need to try Caliby B. You know, everyone says it's the best, easily the best fast food chicken that's ever existed, sort of thing. Oh. Well, try it. I'm happy to try it.

Do you know what that speaks to with me as well? the fact that Calibbe, which is a brand with a really high reputation for quality and flavour, they go for Seabrooks. And I'd say Seabrooks, in our experience over the years of tasting Seabrooks products, Paul. They've always been good. They've really been good, haven't they? The Worcester sauce one's fantastic. Yeah, that's the one that always comes up.

But there's other things. The flavours are really good and sort of on point and strong. They're just good crisp. Yeah, and cheaper than most. So I'm looking forward to this. What is that one you got on your hand? That's the first one we'll be tasting. Well, before we get into that, one last thing.

D2 turns out to be a distribution company, but they do have brands. So as a result, it kind of feels like they'll deal with, like, things like twiglets and stuff, like similar to that and mini crouton snacks and weird. Pepper pig stuff. But also they distribute to companies. Yeah, but what's what I'm saying, they distribute. So maybe a company comes to them and goes, can you supply this type of brand with this kind of marketing? It's one of these sort of brand distribution middlemen companies.

So maybe someone went to C Brooks and went to D2. Can you help us make this? Oh, I'll get you in touch with the source making company. But Seabrooks are sort of in the game of putting their flavors on other products as well. Are they? Correct me if I'm wrong. Didn't we have some kind of oven crisps? Oh yeah.

They were Seabrooks. Yeah, they were. No, you're right. They did oven crisps. I wonder if they're D2. I bet they are, yeah. But that's not what we're going to get into the weeds off. I find these fascinating.

Can we talk about them all as a group first? Because I just find these are crisp-based sources. So that means they're based on crisp flavors rather than potato? Yes. But the layering of sorts. of reference and sort of different ways that different flavors come to you through different food products really fascinates me. Yeah. Because you've got, for example, prawn cocktail flavor mayo. Right. A prawn cocktail is already got. Yeah, it's almost a mayonnaise itself. No,

but it's got prawn, but this, do you see what I mean? But it's more of a ketchup base, isn't it? It's ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together. That's the Mary Rose. That's what prawn cocktail sauce is, with a bit of, yeah, cayenne pepper. Yeah. Right. So I'm wondering, but the, Will this have an actual prawn-prone crisp flavour? Well, this says flavour boost. Perfect on prawns. That says prawns. Right, so the next one.

Salt and vinegar flavoured mayo. Great on chips. Turn up the tang. So what, is it going to be a slightly salty mayo? It's vinegar. Because I've got plenty. Oh, that. Vinegry mayo.

But that's funny. That's just, it's funny to me. Because salt and vinegar was always like the traditional way of eating chips in this country, right? Yeah. You dip it in the mayo. But then, no, but no. but that's what I'm saying. Do you remember there was a point

where the idea of having mayo with your chips in Britain... Yeah, it was a foreign idea. Was an exotic idea. And that was in our lifetime. Whereas if you're Dutch, not at all. But it came over from Holland and also Pulp Fiction where he talks about them drowning it in the mayo.

But it wasn't a bit... It was people would be like, ooh, like it was something strange to put mayo on chips. But it seems like... And this is the culmination of the change that's happened in British food culture, this product, because it's now, the old school, the salt and vinegar

We've reached the horizon. Reaching the new school that dip, the mayo and it's all in one product. Do you see what I mean? About the weird layering of reference. No, we've reached the vanishing point on that. You know, there is no more horizon. The next one is very much like that as well. This one's just called beefy flavour barbecue sauce.

Bangin on chips. Bung it on a burger. Bung it on a burger. That's funny as well because, again, it's almost like taking the thing that the original thing is meant to flavour the beef. But the beef is going in, like the prawn. Is the flavour of prawn going in?

here as well. Was it meant to compliment the flavour that it's lacking? I bet it just meant to compliment because it's a bit weird to think of... It's got a beefy version of barbecue sauce. Or a prawny flavour of Mary Rose. Do you see what I'm getting at? This is why these feel like they're designed for chips. Because when you think about it, chips are the playlist thing you can dip into it.

So it's adding the beef and the barbecue. It's adding the salt and the vinegar and the mayo. It's like trying to do everything. And then finally... It does say great on chips on that one and on this... Well, the final one is the one I'm kind of least looking forward to, weirdly enough. Cheese and onion-flavored mayo. So, Superba, Asani, be more cheesy.

That really could describe the discharge all around my knob. Yes, I think. I could, I would agree. You've been at it, have you? I've been snuffle-hounding, he's been snuffle-hounding my crotch. I can smell it from here. It's been licking up morsels of knob cheese around my packet. It's hard to avoid the pong when everything in the room smells wrong.

But also, the one last thing to get cold. The one last thing to mention, Paul. We did have a similar product last year, do you remember? Yeah. which was the Monster Munch pickled onion-flavored mayo. Shit. From Heinz.

Yeah. So this would be the direct comparison, the cheese and onion one, right? Yeah. All this. It's like a combo of the salt and vinegar mayo and the cheese and onion vote. But that was weak show,

wasn't it? It was terrible. Yes, no, I didn't enjoy it. I didn't see the point of it other than the gimmick of it. So we're going to start with the cheese and onion. Wait, no. Let me put the little edit point in

so I can drop a sound effect. It helps me edit so I don't go fucking mad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know. I'm sorry editing, Paul. Paul, can I just say your hair's got a weird blue hue in this light?

It has a funny colour. Hello, I'm a blue hue. Come over here, blue hue. Oh, it's blue hue. Hello, blue. I was just sitting in his hair over there. Do you taste good? Five pound.

Not like that. Five pound and I sit in your mouth. Later. Oh, fucking stop. Let's stop. Little blue poo pews. Fuck off blue pew. Blue hue.

Right, he's off. Right, we're going to taste them as of now. Right. Where do you want to start? We are starting with the cheese and onion mayo. Get it out of the way. Get a sniff on. Get a huff on.

Give a sniff of the Ramican filmed sauce. Ugh. Is it reminding you of the... Do you know what it reminds me of? Weirdly. Like a grotty rundown fun fair. That's the kind of vibe. Because you get the onions from the burger van sort of smell.

Is that what you're saying? It's got that vibe to it. It's got rundown fun fir scent, but it's very cheesy in mayo. He didn't even sniff it. Oh, fuck, out. Oh. Onion-y. I like that.

It's sweet. Nah. It's a little bit watery the texture. It's not very thick mayo. It's not... Okay, I will say this. It's not completely runny. It has got some wobble to it.

It does, but it's waterier than Helmonds or something like that. What do you say? Not for me, really. That sniff it. Did you sniff it? Yeah. Do you see what I mean about... It's got an onion-y.

It's almost like a burger van. It's got a sort of cheap onion. No. It's too sweet. Actually, for me, this. Now, I had a big dollop on my chip, to be fair. Also, don't eat and chew into the mic. You have no idea how fucking awful it is.

and not only listen to when I'm editing, but also, like, just right now, I find it morally objectionable. I'm sorry. You haven't even got headphones on? I know, but that's how bad it is. And then you keep on eating. Just have one chip and we move on.

You can have more chips later. Okay, sorry. Right. I'm big glutton. Yes. Honestly, the stuff I cut out of the podcast, all you can hear is you go, all right, Paul, whatever.

All right, we've all got respiratory disease. Right. What did you think? Any closing thoughts on the, Not vile and unpleasant, but too sweet and oniony for me. So I would give this a two out of five. Are you getting any cheese there? Yeah, there is a cheasy nose.

It's quite nice. But it's so overwhelmed by the sweetness for you. By the sweetness that makes it null. I would like to say, I think I like it better than you. It does have some amplitude. It does hold together. But the sweetness is a little too sharp, you're right. It's a little too high the sweetness.

If it dial back the sweetness a little bit, wouldn't it? It would be good. Yeah, maybe drummed up the cheesy bit more. Drum up the cheese. Drum up the cheese. I don't. I don't. I know. That's a good sign. I thought that was nice

It's nicer than the pickled onion mayo from last year, right? I'm now going to sniff the beefy barbecue and then he's going to sniff the sauce everyone All I will say is right now it just smells like your average barbecue sauce That's what I'm worried

That is going to be the case I'm not getting a huge beefy note I'd like there to be an oxo note A sort of a bovril note That's how it would be Oh weird Oh yeah I'm getting bovril on the nose I am getting a beef on the nose

A little bit of beef on the nose. Paul has tasted it. I'm going to go in now. What do you think? Actually, yes, it's definitely a barbecue sauce, not an unpleasant one, but up front, there is a weird little beef bavril note at the top. I don't like that. Oh, you didn't? I actually liked it better than the other one. No, I know what you mean. I'm not a huge fan of barbecue sauce in general. I tend to find them too sweet, but this is okay and it is a little bit more beefy at the front. It's like stale soy sauce, that beef note. It's sort of... Yeah, I can see that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And it's sort of...

But it's gone. It goes quick. It does, but it sort of ruins it. It right of the front for me. The beef's right at the front, isn't it? Poking fruit. Do you know what it's like? It's like having a mouth full of a nice shepherd's pie.

Right before someone farts in your direction, and you take a little bit of that fart in. It's a little bit of a fart. For me, that doesn't really work. That beef, no, it feels artificial. Yes. You know? It doesn't impress me much in the words of Chenier Twayne.

I mean, congratulations for that is not, that is not just straight barbecue sauce. No. So they're not cheating. They've tried to do. something there, haven't they? Yeah. There is a beef note there. I would say three for that.

Nice middle of the road one, really for me. We haven't said, I haven't said, I haven't said, I would say a score for cheese and onion. Because I said two. Oh, I would say 3.5. And I said three for beefy. And I'm going to go for two. I didn't, I just don't think that works.

I can't see going back for that. I wouldn't put it in a burger. I would definitely eat that other one though. Now let's move on. Salt and vinegar mayo. This is the interesting one. It looks thicker, doesn't it? The mayo itself looks thicker, weirdly.

Perhaps something about putting onion and cheese in the mayo waters it down. It hasn't got much of a smell. There's a light mayo thing there and a tinge, a whiff and a tinge of vinegar. Well, when I was opening it and decanting, I did get quite a strong vinegar whiff off it, so maybe it's just been in the air. Here we go. I'm going to give it a bite now.

Oh yeah. The smells quite pleasant. It is a very tingly, vinegary mayo. It's weird. The sweetness and the vinegariness sharpness almost negates the mayo aspect. And there's very little of that egg profile that you have in the mayo. So whilst I don't hate it or, find it disgusting, I do find it pointless. I like that. It's quite subtle. It's got a tang.

It has got a tang. It's got a raw, yes, I like it. It's got a salt and vinegar crisp tang to it. In fact, the best profile I can marry it to is, do you remember Smith's Square Crisps? Like that kind of, yes. Which is sweeter salt and vinegar. It's like that, with a mayo background. It's, yes, I know there's not much going on, but what it does do, it does quite well. Yeah. And it all balances. Of the three we've tasted, wouldn't you say that's the most balanced? Yeah. That has a balanced effect. It's like a tangy mayo.

That's how I describe it. It's a little bit of a tangy mayo. But luckily, I like that. But luckily, not vinegary. There's a subtle difference between something being too vinegary and sharp. It doesn't have that. No.

That's what I mean about the balance. It comes across as a nice sort of tang. Sparkly, nice tangy. Almost a lemony kind of tank. That is the best so far, definitely, I would say. What would you say score-wise for that? That is the salt 3.5. Salt and vinegar mayo, which I gave the cheese and onion.

I'm much more likely to have that. again with something than any of the others so far. And me as well. But I will go 3.75. Oh, you get into the weeds of it. There's a little bit better than cheese and onion, but I didn't eat with the beefy. Now we're on to the prawn cocktail mayo.

There's something weird about the smell of this. Well, just check there's no fish in it. There's not. I've already looked. Okay. Because he's allergic to fish. It smells, it's weirdly cheesy. It smells, in fact, it even looks like a cheddar sauce.

It's definitely, it's Marry Rose. It's sort of orange. Tell me it doesn't give you cheese vibes. Oh, yeah. Weird. I didn't believe you until I snout. That's very prawn cocktaily. Well, that's what they're trying to do.

Yeah, give it a go. Yeah, the smell is very cheese. And there's some vinegar. It's all right. I've just never been won over with prawn cocktail as a flavour anyway. So... This tastes like a sweeter, less flavourful version of our first sauce, the cheese and onion mayo. I'd rather have that than the cheese and onion one there.

Really? Yeah. Go back. No, no. Because now I look back on it. It looks like discharge. It looks like discharge. It is, but this...

That is very much... I've popped a zit on it. a horse kind of thing. You know, like, I've lanced the boiler on horse is gross. It's slightly off white. It's yellowy white.

It is. It is. It's an onion mayo. Still my favourite though. No, my favour is the salt and vinegar mayo. Yeah. It's not a lot going on with the prawn cocktail mayo,

I'd say. It's just sweet and that's all I'm getting really. There's a mayo flavor. You could have that with a salad, maybe, a light drizzle on a salad would be okay. None of these are that offensive.

In fact, I thought the beefy barbecue was the most offensive with that weird off. I would say that off bovroll note. Carbaudy bovral note, right at the top. It doesn't do much.

It seems out of place that barbecue note, that beef note in the barbecue one. It's weird because obviously, look, these are obviously cheaply made sauces. How much were they each, by the way? Two pounds each. Each, wow. So it's quite expensive.

I mean, is that expensive? That's not that expensive. No, unless you're getting like a supermod and these are in a little, like restaurant, queasy balls. But like if you go to a supermarket and get their brand sources, yes, they'll be cheaper, probably a lot sweeter. These are a little bit more expensive,

is more in line with buying a H.P.L. Heinz brand. But regardless of all of that, outside of the gimmick, I would just stick with normal head mayo and ketchup, honestly. None of these excite me. I like the salt and vinegar mayo. It's the only one I can imagine using again. I like the cheese and onion mayo as well. I can use both of them again.

I'll be taking them home and using them. Well, you can take all them home because I don't want them and you leave enough stuff at this house anyway. I'm going to give that three. Prawn cocktail? Three. I'm going to go as low as 2.5 for that. Oh.

So my favorite salt and vinegar mayo. Yeah. In second place for me is the cheese and onion mayo. Right. Then the prawn cocktail. And the beef at the back. I didn't like the beef. I thought that was the one that was objectionable.

Yeah. None of the others were objectionable. And I actually found the cheese and onion and the salt and vinegar mayo. It's quite tasty. Well, I would go with... Oh, actually. Now that I've asked of rank them, kind of feels different from how I scored it. Paul, do you want a pallet cleanser?

No. Look at this. Ronnie. No. Let me do my thing. Let me do my thing. Okay. You get to do your fucking thing.

Shut up. Shut up. Right, I would probably start with salt and vinegar mayo and then I might do beefy. Yeah, you like the beef better than me. And then prawn cocktail. And last is your flemy horse sewage. Right, quickly.

Extra spicy, crispy macaroni. I think these are... Ronit. Korean. Which is like... Because Callie B's bought those. Hey, Ronnie. It produced it.

I knew when I bought this product, everyone that Paul would be doing this. Ronnie. He said, Roddy. He said, Roddy. I can do this, man. Do you want to take a photo before I open this? It's too late now, so I'll do it later. I'll try and not...

Don't spring it on me, or it doesn't come in the show. I'm very tempted to cut this out of spite. What are they? Macaroni crisps. Yeah, have you ever heard of them before? They're just as a little pallet cleanser at the end of these... They're not really made of macaroni. Yeah.

Oh, but they're fried? They're crispy marcaroni, yeah. But they're pasta. They can't be pasta. Wheat flour. Okay, so it's like those wheat crunchies. That's probably what it is closest to a wheat crunchy. A hot wheat crunch.

Level 15. Level 15. Run it. Run it. Have a sniff of that. Smell hot. They got a bacony smell. Yeah. A smoked sort of pepper smell.

Yeah, right. Taste those. I'm going to give them to go. Good crunch. Sweet, maybe too sweet. Crisp from that part of the world are sweet. Oh, they're very hot. Yeah, the back end.

Whoa. I think I would like they're more if they dial back the sweetness. Oh, they're fucking. Oh, baby. That is hot. Oh, those are spicy macaroni. Not so much of a palate cleansers. A palate kind of.

Basta. Awesome. Blast that. All right then. Yeah. No, 3.5. I just think they're too sweet. Woo, they're hot.

Woo, baby. They are hot. Anyway, that's the source report this week. Here's getting that blue glow again. Hello, man. It's boo glow. Shut up. I've got people living in my head.

It's a wacky podcast. Can we end out. It's the source of me. It's not. It's not. It's up to you. You got to sign off for the source support. Go over to Eli Silverman.

And now over to Eli to wrap up this week's source report. Do do do do. Well, there was some strong showing there. And definitely. We feel a more honest and decent representation of a niche gimmick source than the Walker's one from last year, which we both thought was grim. Nice on a sandwich, nice on chips, source report, Eli Silverman over and out. Thank you very much.

Good night. Right, let's wrap up. Next week, we're on the start of a tatons. We're going back to Cambridge. Oh, we're going to have a big day out. It's going to be a two-parter. Look forward to that. But for now, it's time to say goodbye.

Paul, I think you've got a message. Oh, hang on. Sorry. Oh, it's a voicemail. What? The voicemail from Juicy Jeremy. Fucking hell, man. He's still living in his car.

He says, listen to this. Don't put this out. I'll play for you. Oh, you cut it out, yeah. Hang on. Play. Oh, hello there, my boys. Yeah, it's old Juicy Jeremy here.

I'll keep this brief. Um, well, as you know, I was in the content house, but I've discovered some very disturbing facts about the way they run things over there. And I need to tell you, boys, before they get to me. Now, can we arrange a meeting? And we'll do it in the usual place. Please get back to me. Oh, thanks, my boys.

Ah! Oh, my gosh. I gotta go. Oh, bye, boy, boys. Bye. Oh, what's all that about? Because, you know, I put an ad reading. He doesn't say he's using much more cheerful than that.

I put an ad read in for Content House this week. What? We don't do ads. Brandoff paid me a load of money to put an ad in. Oh, fuck sake, Paul. Spent it on sweets. And pin badges. What's my code word for pin badges?

Me sweets. It doesn't sound any better. I got us. I love me sweets. I bought loads of sweets. online. Well, perhaps they probably cost similar amounts, because I went into a bloody shop in the West End the other day. You know what they had?

Flipps. Dark chocolate flips. You never see those. No, I don't like dark chocolate. Fuck them. You would never like a dark chocolate flip. No, I've had them before. I don't like him. Just give me normal milk chocolate flips. Anyway, do you know how much? I was like, I'll pay five quid for these. I've never seen them, I will pay up to five quid for these. Yeah. I was subconsciously thinking

that. Do you know how much he said it were? Twelve quid. Something like that. Yeah, no. I literally put them on the desk and said, no. You remember that time we did a recording? I can't know who it was. It might have even been Nick Helm. And we went to a corner shop to buy something for the podcast. And then I bought like a two Kit Kat.

Oh, it was a Nick Helm episode. Two fancy Kit Kat and a bottle of fancy weird random Coke. And it came to £25. I remember being like fucking appalled by it. I was appalled. I wouldn't buy them. Actually, you know what? Sorry, that's message from Duchy Jeremy sounded important.

I thought I didn't know he had my number though. I thought he spoke to you. He's been living in his car, mate, for months now. I don't know what we do because I've taken. the money now. I don't know if we should confront... He should be supporting that. I hear bad things about Content House. I've heard some shocking things, but I haven't seen it for myself. I still can't log in.

It's hosted on Rumble. Yeah, I don't know what that is, but it's probably bad. It's very... It's very bad. Anyway, look, I think we should probably try and... Like I said to you last time, how about we pretend we're going to do a juicy drink episode? We'll get him to come over. Then tell us. And then he can... We can tell him when he's here. He seemed pretty scared, man. Yeah, well.

Anyway, thanks for supporting us. He could also, you know, his addiction problems are probably making him paranoid jittery. So I'm just saying. There's also that factory. Yeah. I need to cut all this out. Right. Anyway, well, that was Cheap Show this week.

You're on Stop Shop for All Things Cheap Show is our website, the Cheap Show. com.com. UK, where you can go and visit our individual pages for each episode, which have pictures and sometimes videos to accompany what you've heard today. We're also on YouTube. We're on all good podcast apps. Find us, rate us, love us, review us.

That would be lovely too. Every fortnight. New Cheapshots on YouTube as well. Ain't that lovely. Yes, the heating's come on. Every day. Well, maybe if you got here earlier, we'd be done before the heating comes on.

It doesn't make any difference. It does. I'm kidding you. And then we're not on one of the eating's off. Can you change the... No, I'm not changing it just for you when you come over on a Wednesday. But it's not...

It's... Oh, anyway. It's too warm. I just need to tear it off. Yeah, but also... Please can you? No, I'm going to... Actually, now, out of spite.

I'm going to do it. Right. Tickets for our live show. We want as many to come. It's our big 500 live show. We're going to have some great guests and a wacky plot, which is already far too complicated

for me to kind of sort out in my head. But please come along. It's going to be fun. 23rd of August Sunday, 4pm at the Cambridge Junction venue. Get your tickets. Link on our website. Link in the description for this podcast you're listening to. And finally, Patreon are lovely supporters. Thank you so much for keeping this lovely, normal, sensible podcast going for 11 years. Wow, baby. We can't thank you enough. And if you'd like to join their number, please go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Give what you can, but only if you can. If you can't, help spread the word.

That's just as lovely for us too. Right. Next. week we are in Cambridge, we're out and about. We've never done a walkabout in Cambridge, even though we spent a year or so, a year or two, recording, cheap show there, early days, episode like... Oh, we never actually did a walkabout there? Episode like... Are you sure? Never? We weren't doing walkabout episodes away back when?

Weird. I know, it's crazy, but like, I was looking back as that we never did a walkabout, we never did a tat hunt type episode. It was just, we recorded. That's next week. That is next week. Yeah. We're going to be a two-part episode, because Eli, decides to fuck off for a week last minute, not tell me, and now I have to rearrange everything

and pull two episodes out of your ass. So, you know, well, I've just swept me tits off, juggling three jobs. I like, I just swan around the country. What's the third job? The YouTube stuff and the board game things and the other, you know what I mean? And the stuff, the new paranormal podcast. I didn't know I was going. Am I allowed to?

No. I'm not allowed to go anywhere. Tell your friends you're staying here working with your poorly boy. Fuck on. Uncle Paul. Right. Fuck sake. See you next week, everyone.

That told Eli, didn't it? That told him. It's such a dicket.