CheapShow - Ep 49: Bum Eggs

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

Paul & Eli tackle more delightful and demented charity shop finds in an episode carefully entitled "Bum Eggs". Why? Well, why not find out? It's a bumper edition of the show to tide you over until the forthcoming "epic" 50th edition and the cheap chaps cram in lots of the usual features. Eli fields a new batch of noodle questions, much to Paul's annoyance... Can you tell the difference between brand and off brand snacks? Eli takes on the challenge to see if Aldi's range of bubbly chocolate and potato hoop snacks stacks up to the genuine article and the results are shockingly surprising... There are more random vinyl singles in Silverman's Platter to listen to, some of which are actually quite good for a change (but not many) and it's Gannon's turn to deliver "The Price of Shite" with one item concealing a horrid, unsettling surprise! It's more of the usual awesome bouts of tat and chat and, for some reason, Paul is not going to take Eli's crap any more (and Eli isn't particularly bothered)! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's another time. Just do your intro. Just do your intro. I was going to be witty. You can't. Just do the intro. I was going to do another one of those witty long ones. You know where I've gone for ages and you get annoyed?

You're not going to do that, yeah? I'm not going to do that. Okay, so you're not going to interrupt me? No. Unless this counts as interrupting. It does. Does it? But you haven't started anything yet. You were looking at my face.

You could see me inhale. You're looking at my lips. I'm always looking at your lips. Your lovely, lovely lips like two hot sausages in a nest of face hair that I just want to stick my lovely tongue on and go... God, this is already... Okay?

Yeah. Hello, everybody! Right then! No, that's way too loud. Oh, fuck's sake. That's way too loud. If you're going to do it... Okay, sorry. Almost 50 episodes and you haven't known my technique. Go on, here you go.

No interruptions at all for me today, as promised. All right, everybody! How are you doing? Is that too loud? It was shit. Yeah. That's the problem with that one. Right, this one's all the gravy.

Right then! Hello! It's Cheap Show, everybody! My name's Eli Silverman, and who else is in the house of pickles with me today? It's none other than, you know, you guessed it, ooh, I like it, it's Paul Gannon!

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! In the house, in the house, in the house, in the house. We're on fleek for cheap, ladies and gentlemen. On fleek for cheap. I don't know if 40-year-old men can say that. Don't limit your identity, Paul. It's fluid. You mean I have word salad?

No, your identity is fluid. Oh, I see what you mean. You have word salad. Because you thought you were talking about my speech. No, your identity. That you always take the piss out of and, you know, makes me inside quite hurt and self-conscious about my language skills. I agree that maybe I should think

before I speak a lot more. You just seem to be able to just draw a word from nowhere. It just arrives and it has no use. Helipad. Exactly. Exactly. So anyway, hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. This is episode 49.

We're one away. Is it really? Yeah. I knew you were going to give me a look when I mentioned the nine, because we're going to do House of Pickles, which counts as 48 beforehand. Episode 49, everybody. Oh, it's very exciting, because we're nearly at 50. Ah, and what's going to happen on the 50th episode? Well, I think our plans are to do a real time episode of Cheap Show

so we'll record it in real time no edits and the idea is we'll give ourselves 10 minutes per classic segment of the show and we'll try and do as many segments as we can in an hour and are we going to try and fit in every single segment that we possibly can I think the plan is to do a top 3 life hacks we're going to do a cheap eats we're going to do

top 3 life hacks you mean you combined them both top 3 life hacks I'm going to fucking eat your dick off I'm just going to do a cheap eats. We're going to do... Top three life hacks. You mean you combined them both. Top three life hacks. I'm going to fucking eat your dick off. I'm just going to grab it. I'm going to go... Right. That... Let's put that aside.

I'm going to put the balls and the cock in my mouth. So I've got a nice tight seal around your genitals. And then I'm going to, in one swift jaw movement, bite your cock and balls off. And then... Well, that will save me money. For what? Ball removal. And dating and sex lives. And anything. You never have to pay. bite your cock and balls off and then well that will save me money for what ball removal and dating and sex lives

and anything you never have to take that could be a life hack yeah cut your knob off it'll make you make more sensible decisions yeah

yeah you won't be affected by libido at all anyway we're doing all the other stuff all the stuff you can think of we're going to do

don't get mad we'll do that don't get mad cheap eats price of shite affected by libido at all. Anyway, we're doing all the other stuff. All the stuff you can think of. We're going to do Don't Get Mad. We'll do that. Don't Get Mad, Cheap Eats, Price of Shite, Life Hacks, Eli's Top Ten, Vinyl Platter,

something else. Tales from the Dance Floor. It wouldn't be the same without that, Paul. Yeah, because we can just spare two minutes to tell the same story again. Why not waste two minutes

on that story? Me, Kassa, Sue, Kassa. I was DJing and this girl comes up to me. Comes up to me. I think I asked the girl, just show me your phone. What about?

Paul, I think we need a ban on you doing the Eli voice. Or at least once per episode. We apparently need a ban on me using the soundboard on my phone. A lot of complaints about that. Yeah, it's shit. Oh yeah, thank you. I would like to take this time to say I me using the soundboard on my phone a lot of complaints about that yeah it's shit oh yeah yeah thank you i would like to take this time to say i took on the feedback from our listening good public and i have decided to go along with what they say which means i am fucking disgusted

with our listening audience how dare you tell me how to run this show how dare you you what and your little fans i know you're getting them out. I know you're getting them out there. I know you're getting them out there. Your little Eli Arby. You're all like, I don't tweet. And then you're tweeting stuff like. You're doing the voice again, Paul. Yeah.

In one segment, we're allowed to use it in that segment. Okay. Which is possible. So, hello, Twitter fans and girls. I'm stalking online. Now, I take exception to that, Paul. I do not stalk. Why don't you go tell Paul to fuck off on Twitter?

Go on. Go on. I haven't been doing that. You get people hating you all by yourself, Paul. I don't get noodles, darling. People love noodles, all right? It's a fact of cheap show you're going to have to fucking accept and live with, my friend, okay? Just accept it.

I do accept it. It'll just make me happy. It's noodle time. Noodle time. All the time. Well, maybe you should do your own spin-off podcast called Eli's Noodle Time. Don't fucking tempt me! You won't, though, because you're bone idle.

No, I won't. You won't, will you? No. Could you do it for me? Oh, my God. Anyway, thank you to everyone who's been giving to us on Patreon. Oh, yeah. Everything's being sent out.

We missed the Google Hangout. So, Paul, I've had this. Yeah. I've got an idea. For Patreon. Yeah. Go on. Because they're so nice.

What are the people who give? They're so lovely. Yeah. I was thinking, right. Ladies and gentlemen, where do you think this is going? Where do you think? Let's find out. I was thinking, right. Yeah. gentlemen, where do you think this is going? Where do you think? Let's find out.

I was thinking, right... Go round there. Who? Anyone. Who's donated what? A dollar? Ten dollars? Randomly. He's going to go... Just select one. Randomly.

Those lovely people. Boy or girl? Find out where they live. It doesn't matter to me. Go on. Find out where they live. Go up. Knock on their door. Watch them. No go up knock on their door watch them no not knock on their door

then they'd know I was there Paul alright I go up I see if there's a good vantage point yeah like a window ground floor window get my beard

yeah all oiled up all greased I'm scared I've got a bit of a job on with lard yeah and then I go and I nuzzle

make a nuzzle mark well wait till they on the door I'll wait till they leave yeah I'll look at them while they're asleep yeah

and leave a nuzzle mark where just to show my gratitude on their window right to show my deep deep

gratitude I'll nuzzle the window right thank you patrons on Patreon. You'll be getting a visit from me, but you won't know I'm there. The nuzzle man is coming. The nuzzle man is coming. Then I'll get...

I'll have some kind of... If they do see me. Yeah. If they do see me. Daddy, daddy, there's an Eli at the window. Hopefully there won't be any kids. All right. So, I'll

yeah I'll get my little ferret it's a baby ferret baby ferret it's a minish has it got a name no he's the ferret

right okay and then I'll give it nugs nugs if they're watching me I sort of abuse the ferret but yeah don't worry

the ferret no the ferret's safe right yeah he's safe. He's safe, but it looks like I'm giving it a bit of S&M. Look at me hurt, the ferret!

Something like that, Paul, I was thinking. Okay, that's not at all troubling. I don't know what tier you'd like to make that. I think that should be a $50 tier. Okay. But you can't let them know. No. Because that's the whole point. The nozzle man, he cometh. Yeah, all over your windows, you dirty little monkey.

It's a ferret, not a monkey. I just think the ferret's a step too far. I think... Well, tell the ferret that. I think, here's what you should do. If someone sees you when you're doing your whole nozzle man thing... Nozzle man. Yeah, you knock on the window.

And you beckon them towards you, right? And then they get the ferret out. No. Ignore the ferret. The ferret is not part of this equation. I'll give the ferret nugs. It looks like I'm biting the head of the ferret. No, no, no ferrets. No ferret cruelty.

I want the ferret. Fake ferret cruelty. That doesn't matter. I want no suggestion. It's all for show. The ferret's playing along, like I said. It's safe. It doesn't matter.

I don't want any ferret. I don't want any ferret action in this. I want something a bit more level-headed. I want them to come over. A shrew. If they don't come over, you drop the front of your prance and you put three pink pancakes on their window. You see, now that's just crude.

Three pink blobs. That's just crude. You've gone straight to blobs and bollocks and wanking. You've pushed your blobs on the window. Frothing,'ve gone straight to blobs and bollocks and wanking and frothing, no doubt, fizzy, panty, whatever. What have we got coming up on the show, Paul? No, seriously, people, thanks for giving money. If you do want to give money to us

for whatever reason, please, seriously, we don't sleep well at night without your donations. So, if you do, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. You can go on there and pick any tier you want. We give out special podcasts. We give out special bits of tap from the Eli collection,

artwork, and the chance for you to appear on the House of Pickles podcast version of the cheap show brand. And there's going to be one of those House of Pickles featuring some of you lovely, lovely patrons. Coming up soon. Coming up soon. Coming up soon. Okay, soon. Coming up soon. Okay, good.

So that's it. So thank you for Patreon people. Excellent. Thank you for supporting us. What else? Well, there are a few more. The thing is, we've been talking so much about ferrets and bloody... Well, I thought that, you know, we've kind of just not...

I was going to talk about two things. Someone put it out to us on Twitter. Let's just do it. We can cut some. You know, that's the joy of editing, Paul. Yeah, but... That's what you do. Isn't it?

Or everything is what I do. And if you could, just have a think about the noodle spin-off. Yeah? No. No, not happening. Unless you come up with a really snazzy name for it right now. Noodle Time with Eli Silverman. You haven't thought that through at all.

You said right now. I know, true. Good point. But I'm still... What were these things you wanted to discuss? Well, I'm not going to do that one because that would be well too meaty. We'll save it for another podcast. Guy on Twitter, at Omar Salazar C, he sent us a picture.

He went out and bought a little plastic fruit machine that you can get in pound shops and stuff. It's like a coin bank, but you have a little knob and it has the little things that spin around. Does it actually pay out if you win? No, I don't think so. It just is for show. It's just for show. He bought one, but what he did was he frothed it up, as I like to say. He put a Cheap Show branding on it.

So he took all the stickers off and put special stickers on with your face and my face. Why haven't I seen this? Because we got it today as of recording. So I'll put it on our website. If you go to thecheapshow.co.uk, go to episode 48's page or 49. No, 49's page. We're 49 now. This one.

Yeah, you'll see pictures and that picture from there. It's a really cool little effort as well. Excellent. So it's like me, you as little spinner things. Oh, and a little till. And jelly beans. So it looks like a till or it looks like a fruit machine? It looks like a little fruit machine.

All right. That's nice. That works. And then we've had a few people suggest us noodle stuff. Oh, yeah. So first of all, cold noodles. Someone said it's a pot where, as far as I'm aware, you prepare this noodle with cold water. Yes, at Nissan,

which is the original cup noodle brand. Oh, God. Look, I said one thing. One little bit of information. You hate detail, you know that. I hate you, and then I hate you talking about noodles. Well, I'll keep this short then, shall I, Paul?

That's what she said. To me. So, yeah, I saw it, it's by Nissen and it was in Chinese writing or Japanese writing so I couldn't read it but it did seem to be a cold noodle

an instant cold noodle So you just used cold water rather than hot? I guess so. Ice cubes? Well the thing is there is in in China... God, I hate this section so much. They eat cold noodles. It's a dish.

Yeah. You knew that. It's like gazpacho soup for noodles. Yeah, but there's a lot of real noodle dishes, not instant noodles, like proper food that is cold noodles. Okay. Sober and so on. And, you know, they've started to introduce them

in some of the don't give me that face some of the uh the ramen restaurants in london now have these cold noodle dishes which usually have a nice sauce on them so if it's something like that that'd be cool i hate my life uh but it looked to me like it could just be a fake sort of weird fake painful fake ice sort of ice cream noodle crossover picture we'll have to investigate that further Paul yes we will have to investigate that further next one ramen beer

someone pointed us into the direction of someone who makes beer with ramen juice or they make it well it's wheat based isn't it so it's flavoured ramen beer. Is that... What is it like?

Chicken flavoured? I don't understand because ramen is not... Shall I double-check via the internet? Yes. On the Twitter. Right, here we go.

One, two, three. I've had chocolate beer. Have you? I've had raspberry beer. I've had strawberry beer. I've had oyster. Oyster stout. Oyster stout?

Yeah. That's lovely. No. It doesn't taste fishy. It's sort of got a texture to it though. Well. Gelatinous. Don't start doing that noise.

Whatever your fucking sound is. Oh, hang on, I'll show you the picture of that fruit machine. Okay. Have a look at that. That's fucking excellent. That is fucking excellent,

isn't it? Yeah. Well done, that man Omar Salazar Thank you Mr Salazar Oh okay Wait where has it gone

It was right there a little while ago The image of the ramen beer Oh here it is ramen beer is brewed with actual ramen noodles Yeah so The link to food and wine twitter account So let me read this to you Okay Yeah, so... The link to food and wine Twitter account. So let me read this to you. Okay. Ramen beer is brewed with actual noodles.

Craving more ramen in your beer? Blah, blah, blah. According to the website, the collective brewing project is Forthworth's destination for funky and sour beer. And this concoction certainly fits into the category. Didn't skimp on the ramen flavouring. They brewed a cup-o-beer with... That's the name of the beer, by the way. Cup-o-beer. Cup-o-beer. It's a play on cup-o-soup or whatever.

Cup-o-noodles. They brewed the cup-o-beer with 55 pounds of noodles, perhaps to give people the strong aroma of nostalgia along with their drinks. It's described as slightly tart. Interesting. Slightly tart with a hint of lemongrass, lime, ginger and coriander.

Okay, so they've gone for a spicy profile. Because the taste of an actual plain noodle is pretty neutral, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? I can't imagine the actual... It's just a noodle, isn't it? So they've gone, they're cheating a bit there. Just a little bit. I would love to try some of that, though, on the show

and let our listeners know who care about noodles and all things noodle related. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. In fact, I want to round you all up. And what? Say, oh, I'm the Milky Bar kid. Don't be ridiculous. Just put you into chambers.

You put me into chambers? Yeah. What kind of chambers? I want to put you all into small cells, right? Right. And then I'll feed one of you... Is there a ferry involved in this? No.

Because you can't... I'll feed one of you noodles, right, through a hole, and you eat it, and you have to slop out your noodley mess into a bowl and slide that under the door to the next cell, and they have to eat it. I was like human centipede. But with shit. I think human centipede

had shit. Yeah, but this takes out the intimate part of it all. So it's like a weak version of human centipede. And when it gets down to the very, very end, that person gets a proper bone of noodles and it goes back the other direction. So the person in the middle would never eat proper

noodle. I would call it the crap don't fuck up. Wow. I would never eat proper noodle. I would call it the crapped on factor. Wow. Well, you came up with something there. Right, one last thing. This is an advert that appeared on the internet, one of those, you know, kind of a Craigslist-y, Gumtree kind of adverts.

Some people on Twitter thought you might have posted this. So I'm just going to read it out. This is what the advert says. I will pay you $ dollar, US dollar, to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one-piece bathing suit. I will not be home, nor will anyone

else while you do this. I will leave keys for you, and you will sit at your leisure. I will require at least a five minute stay. A neighbour will watch the front door from across the street and using a supplied stopwatch will time your entry and departure. Please supply your own footwear.

The noodles will be cooked and therefore slippery. Do not bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner. Uh, weird. And that's it. Location is in Pittsburgh, Northside. It is not okay to

contact this poster with services or other commercial interests and the compensation for this job is one US dollar. I think he has a camera in that room

with the bathtub. But he said that he's going to eat the noodles after the person's been in them. So maybe that's his thing.

Where is the sexual content? Where is the sexual moment for him? It's just the whole concept. Where's the moment where he pulls out his chub? He been in them. Yeah. So maybe that's his thing. Where is the sexual content? Where is the sexual moment for him? It's just the whole concept. Where's the moment where he pulls out his chub? He's eating them.

When he's eating the noodles thinking some stranger. See, no, I don't think that's true. I think he's masturbating while they're in the bath. I think he's masturbating whilst he wrote that. Maybe.

Yes. That's why it's very short sentences. I can't. Do not bring pasta sauce. No, I think there's a camera in that bathtub and he goes somewhere else to watch it. So they just sit in the bath, happy, whatever.

It's creepy as all hell, I'd say. And then he's sitting there watching it. Doesn't that creep you out? Yeah, it really creeps me out. I will not be there. I will not be. I will be remotely. I will be there remotely.

It's like that. Who's the neighbour? All right, mate. Yeah, it's Bob across the road. It's him, isn't it? It's Bob across the road. How you doing, Bob? What's up, Bob?

Am I busy tomorrow night around no no I'll be in why you want me to watch the house oh where you going to your special place

okay right and what do you want me to do look for women going into your room in a one piece bathing suit and coming out besmirched with some noodles yeah

and time for five minutes alright Bob yeah Bob I'll do it Bob see you Bob the neighbour is a red heron Margaret call the police little Bob's at it again some noodles. Yeah. And time for five minutes. Alright, Bob. Yeah, Bob. I'll do it, Bob. See you, Bob. The neighbour is a red herring. Margaret, call the police. Little Bob's at it again. I think the neighbour is him.

So he's like, hello, I'm the neighbour. I've got a big twirly moustache. So he has two houses. One across the road from the property where he has it. This is a big operation. The house across the road is just full of tech and screens and it's just a whole operation. It's like that film, is it Silver? Sliver? The film where Sharon Stone masturbates in the bath,

but the landlord's watching it. I've never seen that. I've seen it 20 times. Tell me about it. Make something up about it. He's watching her on the CCTV. She's frothing it. She's fapping in the bath. Oh, God.

Fapping, fapping, fapping, fapping, fapping, fapping, fapping, fapping, fapping the vlogapping in the bath. Oh, God. Fap, fap, fap, fapping. Fap, fap, fap, fap, fapping. Fap, fap, fap, fap, fapping. Fapping the vlogger in the bath. And then she's like, oh, oh, oh. And he's like, oh. Yeah, he's going, oh, oh. Is he?

Yeah. Is he? Yeah, oh. And then they both go, oh. And then it cuts to a shot of a man eating a dog. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. You don't remember that film.

So anyway, yeah, he's definitely the neighbour. Yeah. And it's very strange. Why would he, if he actually wants someone to do it, what would, it's like by putting it at one pound, he's kind of saying, you are like me. You know exactly what I'm talking about here. You'll do it for a dollar.

Yeah, because you love it. I'll buy that for a dollar. You love anonymous people setting up noodle challenges. And they're eating the noodles. What if I'm in the bath of noodles and I want to rub it? I want to give it my own sauce. I don't think you'd get your dollar. How would he know?

Unless he's filming. How does he know? How's he going to know? He'd expect the noodles. How's he going to know? He's not going to know. He's going to eat them later How's he going to know? He's not going to know. He's going to eat them later. And he's going to recognise that a little bit of that bathtub got a little bit...

He'll check for special sauce, man. Does he? Yeah, and you won't get your dollar. A little blacklight. Oh, I'll take it. You won't take it. Money up front for me. You've ruined the whole thing.

Money up front for me. I'm not doing it unless I see the money, baby. Well, you can't do it then. Well, then I'm not going to do it. Payment on delivery. Well, I'll find some other total freak And that's that story Right okay good

Rate that story out of five Two Two That was alright Let's just start the show It's time for my new favourite segment of the show That was called Bland vs Brand But now I've changed it yes what is it called

now i've changed it to why are you singing because i'm thinking of a jingle as i go so i've changed it to off brand brand off off brand brand off off brand off off brand off off brand off brand off brand off off brand off off off brand off brand-off, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, A, which is the more preferable, or B, which is the brand. I've got two challenges, which I like more. One is a challenge, one is more of a kind of personal opinion. Don't stop. That's not going to be a thing. I like this thing. There are going to be complaints about that, just like your silly soundboard.

And I'll deal with the complaints in the exact same way I dealt with them last time. By setting up some kind of torture chamber and feeding us our own poo. Yeah. Good. Okay, glad I've cleared that up. So, I've got good form on this section. You do. I will go ahead and say you are very good at this.

But I'm like, because I've done so well so far, I think maybe I might just mess it up today. I'm sorry, I'm only human, everybody. He's only human. Flesh and blood. Stop singing. No one likes you. Okay, I like you sometimes. That surprisingly hurt me.

Sorry, I'm sorry, Paul. That was surprisingly cutting. Okay, so we're going to do some brand or off-brand taste comparisons. Now, the first one, what would you like to do, savoury or sweet first? I'll let you choose. What would you like, sweet or savoury? Let's go with the classical order of things and start with the savoury and then have dessert. That's a fine plan Mr Silverman

Can I shake your hand? Yes Well done I can't believe we're actually doing that So it feels weird Doesn't it? This was pointed out to me by someone who reads I think it's Shortlist Magazine or Metro

One of those free publications you get in London About Aldi Who are now selling their own brand of hula hoops Called Hoops. See what they've done there? They just dropped the hula bit. Yeah, hoops.

Hoops are an actual shape, isn't it? Yeah. So they make their own hoops now called Snackrite, and they're just like hula hoops. They're potato rings. Oh, what? Snackrite is the range. Is the range that Aldi sell.

That's the Smiths or the Walkers Or the Bobbies of Candy If we want to reference an earlier episode But Bobbies also do crisps We'll cover them at a separate date When we go back to my froth shop We will be doing Bobbies crisps So these are hoops

These are hoops Again, as I say Exactly like hula hoops, potato ring snacks Very salted They really have gone for a copy again as I say exactly like hula hoops potato ring snacks very salted they really have gone for a copy of the whole look of Walker's hula hoops there

side by side they're small red packets these are like multi-pack packs that you've got here but the actual hula hoops actually don't have a branded brand name on them that's the difference okay hula hoops one of my all-time classic crisps it's been going it's a classic crisp for as long as i remember and paul a little bit of color here um i remember when i was a very small child i used

to love it when my mum would buy me some hula hoops and i used to pretend that they were little creatures right i'd put them all on my fingers you know you put one on each finger because they're hoops and i used to believe that i as the destroyer of worlds as i ate them and crunched down on them they would be reincarnated at the bottom of the pack and come through like this whole sort of cycle of life like i was destroying them but they were coming through don't worry little hula hoop person you will live again as you're regenerated at the bottom of my pack but what happens when you run out of pack well i was a child i didn't you know it was a make-believe so basically you weren't that deep into the idea you were just kind of a little silly fantasy but it was an enduring fantasy

that lasted over like at least three years i'm gonna say 30 then for i don't still believe that the hula hoops are little people that i'm eating and then regenerating at the bottom of the packet good uh that was very much in my um tutti frutti and a packet of hula hoops phase which was a staple for me if you ever make an autobiography i want you to call it the hula hoops and tutti frutti book okay so so shut up we're going to do a taste test this is our first taste test because oldie said well the review for the oldie brand said that the hoops were very very good some even preferred them to the hula hoops original yeah but they have been

like all crisps, Paul. Yes. There's been a slow degeneration as the health consciousness kicks in. Well, yes. And the reduction in salt. I mean, you know. No artificial colours or flavours. I'm sure we've discussed this before, but frazzles.

They're a shadow of their former self. Do you think? Yeah. I can't really remember now. They used to be more bacon-y. And now they are bacon-less or less bacon-y? They're just salty now. Unless, yeah, have less. And it's just definitely to do with the

reduction in salt. All these manufacturers are forced to do. They take our fun. They take our bloody fun away from us. They take our world away from us. Eli Silverman, leave voter. Shut up. So we're going to do this. How confident

do you think you'd be able to take the difference between the hula hoops and the hoops? I'm going to say pretty confident, Paul. Okay, good. Well, I'm going to open these packets now. I need a blindfold. No, you just close your eyes. I know, but it can't be... I can't trust myself. Sunglasses. It's all right. I think I could put fucking sunglasses.

Oh, yeah, sunglasses. Those great obscura of lights. But you stick socks behind your eyes. Okay, all right, I'm up for put fucking sunglasses. Oh, yeah, sunglasses. Those great obscura of lights. But you stick socks behind your eyes. Okay, all right, I'm up for that. Yeah. Eli Silverman is now putting dirty socks... Out of the grotty ocky over here. By the old grotty ocky. Oh, he's doing it.

He's putting the sunglasses on and tucking dirty socks to the front of the lenses. How's that? You look like an utter prick. Well, it's working though, Paul. Where's my mic? Give me my... Why don't you just sit down? Fuck you! Stop touching me in real life!

There's your mic. Am I speaking into it all right? Yes. Okay. All right? Okay. Actually, the smell of these socks is kind of going to interfere. Well, maybe that will help.

Maybe that will help. It will add a slight cheesiness to both of them. Yeah. Right. Okay, I'm ready. Here it is. I'm going to give you your first one. Okay?

I'm not telling you which one it is. Hand out. Because I'm not going to stick this in your mouth. Okay. Hand out. There you go. There's your first one. Right.

Okay. Now, from touch alone, I cannot distinguish this from a normal hula hoop. Okay, my little friend. Don't worry. You'll be regenerated. At the bottom of the bag. I'm going in. All right.

He's going in. Mmm. Interesting. How are you taking it on a first bite situation? Mmm. Mmm. This is the most ridiculous thing i've ever seen by the way you holding a great big microphone with a yellow foam on the top with sunglasses on and

socks tucked behind your eyes you look like the saddest cosplay of deputy dog i've ever seen in my life i will um so what hits me very nice potatoe flavor a very nice potatoe flavor sort of straight away that kind of potato floury and then you know like potato flour which is essentially what they are of course um there's a lack of salt interesting it's that it's that lack of salt that is leading me to think that this is the knockoff basically interesting um but why not why not the new brown since it's reduced salt and everything like that i don't know because you were just saying they had to reduce salt they did they did but i i just think a real hula hoop is slightly saltier than that in this effect and also it was crunchy but

it wasn't really crispy okay so i mean felt a little underdone i don't know i can't tell no it's yeah a bit underdone a bit raw and flowery and there is a slight staleness that comes in after the potato hit okay well are you ready for potato like a dried up chip you know yeah a bit like the edge of the rind of a dried up right should finish being all fucking of course i can't food and wine i can't drink i can't tell until I compare here. And this is, I just want to say now, halfway through, Paul, this is definitely the hardest challenge I've ever had to face in your life. Right, here's the next one, right?

Here we go. Here is the second. Yeah, immediately, very different. Yes. The potato doesn't hit you first. It's sort of the salt, and it is kind of more brittle. And you know what? Yeah.

I just think I can do this. I just think that second one was the real hula hoop, and the first was the knockoff. Is that what you're believing? And I prefer... Which one did you prefer? That's the interesting question. I prefer the first one.

It's more fresh tasting, yeah. Yeah? Even though you said it was a little underdone? Yeah, but it still had a real potato hit straight away, the first one, which, stop touching me.

Because you can't see. I've been flicking the V's for the past five minutes. It's been wicked fun. You've been flicking the P's? V's! Oh, sorry. I thought you meant a wanker.

Giving you the bird. You wouldn't... Anyway, so, you're going to say the second pack is hula hoops, but you prefer the first. Yeah. You are, on you prefer the first. Yeah. You are,

on the first point, absolutely correct. The second was the hula hoop. I'm so good at this, man. Yeah. I am the brand off-brand

fucking don. You are a super taster when it comes to chips and eggs. I can just do it with crisps, man. I can just do it. I don't know.

I thought this might have tricked you. Not so much tricked you, but I thought... No, I thought it was going to be hard. Yeah. But it really wasn't hard. I can recognise the taste of a hula hoop. All right. I mean, I've been eating have tricked you. Not so much tricked you. No, I thought it was going to be hard. But it really wasn't hard.

I can recognise the taste of a hula hoop. All right. I mean, I've been eating them for years. But I can see the people who are saying that that's better. It has a sort of more wholesome, almost, less artificial effect. You know that when we take the show seriously, people don't like it as much? What do you mean? When we're serious about stuff.

Are you trying to give me notes whilst we're doing the show? Yeah. Can you just get angry at me for no reason? Stop eating. Why are you eating? You're not allowed to eat. Why am I not allowed to eat? Just not. Why? I'm the taster. Fucking hell. Well, keep your blindfold on

because the second food... Congratulations on the first one. Thank you. The second one, I've got lined up for you. keep your blindfold on because the second food... Congratulations on the first one. Thank you. The second one I've got lined up for you. Is your blindfold on still? Yes. Cool. The second one I've got lined up is a type of sausage. No, you're not allowed to eat this sausage. Oh, yeah.

It's like a cigar. You just have to suck it for a bit and you get the flavour. Very, very funny. There are two sausages I'm going to give you. Oh, God. I'll end up noshing you off. Oh. And I'll get all bubbles coming out my nostrils.

Is it that kind of sausage, Paul? All phlegmy bubbles all bubbling out. Anyway. What's next? I'm going to look. I don't trust you. All I need to do is open your mouth as wide as you can. Wide as you can.

Because there's a lot to get in and there's going to be even more on the second round. Oh, for God's sake. Because the second sausage comes with a creamy filling. Good. Right, that's out of the way. Right, so the next one. You've got something else. I have. For real. This is a genuine second thing. Now, you said you wanted sweet, so we're going to do

sweet next. You can keep the blindfold on because the packaging will give it away as well. Really? Yeah, to some extent. So, let me just fish it out because there's quite a lot of packaging. Okay, so we're going to do chocolate now. Nothing crazy, nothing silly, nothing like chilli chocolate, no beer

chocolate, no von chocolate, nothing like that. What's the brand? I'm trying to remember. Well, if you'd just give me 30 more seconds of your impatient time, you hairy little fucking vagabond twat. Wow, you're really trying to get the rage in today, yeah? Yeah, you like that,

yeah? You like it, yeah? Touch it. The brand we're going to talk about, chocolate-based, today, is Aero. Do you like Aero? Yeah. Bubbly chocolate? Yes. If you don't know, in the UK, there's a brand by Nestles, or Nestle, called Aero. And you like Aero? Uh, yeah. Bubbly chocolate? Yes. If you don't know, in the UK, there's a brand by Nestles, or Nestle, called Aero.

And it's a nice, light, bubbly chocolate. I think, did they, I bet they started in the 80s. It seems to be something that was new when I was a child.

Really? I honestly don't know. I want to say 70s. Yeah, maybe 70s. Okay, Google, what year was the Aero bar invented? According to Wikipedia,

it was originally introduced to the north of England as the New Chocolate by Round Trees in 1935. Whoa! 1935! I see, I was going to say, I read that article by Roald Dahl, and he was an essay saying all of the chocolate, classic chocolate bars were all invented in the 1930s. Everything. Anything you care to mention came out in the 1930s.

So, that's another one. I mean, that's surprising. So, Aero... Boo! No, that's surprising. Oh, fuck off. Right, good, because you couldn't see me, and I was right close to your face the whole time. Look, I've got these dog flaps over my ears.

I mean, eyes. Dog ears. Right, anyway, we're doing Aero chocolate. It's a brand of eyes. Dog ears. Right, anyway. We're doing Aero chocolate. It's a brand of chocolate that has got bubbles in. What's the man... So the Aero and... Have we gone for a plain flavour

or what flavours have we got? This is milk chocolate. Milk chocolate Aero and the brand knockoff... Okay, so the bubbly bit on the inside is milk. Is it?

Milk chocolate. There's no mint, no orange. And then it's got chocolate all the way through. What don't you get about... Because some of them have got like a minty

bit in the middle. But I said it's just chocolate. It's just milk chocolate. Right. If I'd said mint chocolate or orange chocolate or...

Crystal clear. It would have been clearer. But for some reason you can't fathom that there's no catch to me saying it's chocolate.

Right. I just didn't understand you for a second. Anyway, you've got Nestle Aero, and you're going up against, in terms of brand or bland, a company called... It's not called brand or bland.

Fuck off! I like that. It's a company called... Fuck off! Hello, I'm Paul. I've got a little puppet. I'm doing my Paul voice now. Fucking hell!

Why does my voice sound like a Scouse ghost? Because you're into Ghostbusters And you're Scouse You twat Well I stand corrected on that one So the company is called Dairy Fine And the chocolate brand is called Bubbly Milk Chocolate They've gone for descriptive

They've gone for two very different shapes I don't know how much that might be Or not a giveaway to the brand. Well, I'm not that familiar with Aero, the shape that it comes in. You're going to give me one chunk each? Yes, I'm going to give you one chunk in your mouth. You're going straight in for the mouth, are you? I'm going straight in for the mouth of my chunk, right?

So you open your mouth and I'll put my chunk in it. And who's the manufacturer? Is it, again, like an Aldi that is making this chunk? This is from Aldi as well. It is? This is from Aldi. So it's their off-brand, right? Their subsidiary brand called Dairy Fine.

So again, we're going to give you an option. So I'm going to go with this first handout because I'm not touching your fucking mouth. You're not touching my mouth. No. I thought you could have a little bit of play there. That is chocolate number one. Overall, what's your mouth feel? Standard. Standard chocolate.

It's got a bit of the texture of the Aero sort of bit. Yeah. Really very over-sweet, the chocolate. And the cocoa flavour that I'm getting is kind of it's like, you know, chocolate money, Christmas chocolate money. It doesn't feel like very good quality chocolate. Oh.

Kind of a muddy. Muddy chocolate? A muddy cocoa taste. I like his album. Muddy chocolate. Very good blues. Oh my And kind of a muddy. Muddy chocolate. A muddy cocoa taste. I like his album. Muddy chocolate. Very good blues. Oh my God, that's lame. Gannon's doing the dad jokes today, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, he seriously is.

You know what, ladies and gentlemen? Paul is such a dad joker. The other day, we were walking along, I stumbled, and he went, what did he say? I said, why didn't you send me a postcard from your trip? I mean, how dad is that? That is worse than... That is like dad from the 1940s. But you know that it's because...

Like postcards. Who fucking sends those anymore? Not you. No one does. When's the last time you received a postcard? You fucking... This dated dad joke. I can't have kids.

Ooh. Okay. Ooh. Okay. Is that funny to you? It's not. Just the way it is. I can't have kids, mate. I've had the tests and I'm barren

and so I make dad jokes because that's a part of my life I don't think I'll ever really tap into. Fine. So go ahead and make jokes. No, I'm sorry. Because I can't have kids. Right.

Right. That was chocolate number one. What do you think? Meh. I'm sorry. Because I can't have kids. Right. Right. That was chocolate number one. What do you think? Meh. Yeah? Okay. I'd say meh. Right now, would you say it was brand or off-brand?

I know for a fact it's off-brand. Okay. All right. Cool. Because the shape gave it away totally. It had a very bubbly, bubbly shape. Like a bubble. Like bulbous.

Bulbous. A bulbous shape in your mouth. A redundant bulbous. No, but in my hand, I could feel it. I'm sorry. I'm just too good. Just too good. I'm going to take that out andous. No, but in my hand I could feel it. I'm sorry, I'm just too good. I'm going to take that out and sample it. It's in my hand. I'm just too good. Oh my god.

That's going to be on the app. We're going to make an effort not to make wank jokes. You can get it on Google Play. Get it down on your phone right now. You can have things like Eli saying, it's in my hand. I'm really that good. Look, if people want me to record them a sex tape. Yeah.

An oral sex tape. Just give me the chance. Basically, if you want a sex tape from Eli, he'll record a three-minute missive for you. So you can fap or josh to whatever you fancy. Fap and josh. Fap and josh. That could be a dance act. Yeah.

That might be our erotic stories characters. Fap and josh. Yes, I'm josh and you. Fap and Josh. That could be a dance act. Yeah. That might be our erotic stories characters. Fap and Josh. Yes, I'm Josh and you are Fap. And we tell sexy stories from around the world. And this is our turn. Our turn. Extrapolate magician. That's what I fucking said.

Right, here's the next chocolate. Give me it. Very fine. Give me it. Oh, no. Here we go. Good. See, this to me has the shape of Arrow. Give me it. Very fine. Give me it. Oh, no. Here we go. Good. See, this, to me, has the shape of Aero.

Yeah. I might be wrong. So I'll go on the taste. I mean, that wasn't very good, that first taste. Right, here we go. This is chocolate number two. Is it Aero or bubbly? Mmm.

That is more pleasant. Is it? Yeah. Is it? It's more pleasant. It's nicer. The texture of the bubble aerated centre is more... And it's got a creamier finish.

A creamier texture. If you are editing this into a sex tape, you've got plenty to go on now. It's got... In my hand. I hate to say this, Paul. I know I'm trying to avoid this, you know, but it has better amplitude than the first one. He said it, ladies and gentlemen. He said amplitude.

It has better amplitude than the first one. He said it, ladies and gentlemen. He said amplitude. It has better amplitude than the first one. I'm sorry. I can only be myself. Take me or leave me. I've got to say amplitude. Yeah. If you've been playing Cheap Show Bingo, you can cross off the amplitude square.

You're close to winning. Congratulations. Yeah, it's got a much smoother, more pleasant effect. And there's none of that muddiness from the cocoa. Everything is working together. The flavour is much better there and the texture is better. It's just better in every way and that's the arrow. The second one is the arrow and the first one is the knock-off.

Okay, so you're saying the first one was the knock-off and the second is the arrow? Am I wrong? No, wait there. I'm just getting it right. So that's what you've said and you you prefer the second. And I also way prefer the second one. To the first. In that case, I can tell you, Eli, that once again, you're wrong. Am I? You're wrong.

The first was Aero. The Nestle Aero, the official, so to speak, brand. And the second one was the Dairy Fine Bubbly. You can take off your sock mask now. Okay, yeah. There you go. So you see the new branded bars are all bulbous-y.

They're all bulbous, yeah. Maybe that fooled me. But I do honestly think it's nicer. What do you think? I've not tried that one at all. Try the knock-off. Okay, you've had a taste of the Aero. It's not very impressive, is it?

It's as I expected it to be. And here is the knock-off. Oh, I see what you mean. It's nicer. Smoother. It's smoother and it doesn't have that sharp here is the knock-off. Oh, that's what you mean. It's nicer, smoother. It's smoother and it doesn't have that sharp, sugary twang that Aero does. Yeah, that sharp sugar, sort of, yeah. Well, Nestle, you need to up your game because they are winning, hands down.

We both agree. Bubbly Milk Chocolate by Dairy Fine is superior to the Aero. And yet we've also found today that the Aldi brand hula hoops, on a budget, 10 packs for a pound, better than six packs for a pound, the hula hoop. Just as good, really. Just as fine.

Just as good. You could put them in a bowl at a party and no one would question your party snack buying skills. I just happen to be extremely familiar with what a real hula hoop... Apart from one little child. He's like,

excuse me, mater. I don't believe... Mater? Is that the right word for mother or something? Fucking hell, you're so not in your 30s today. You're like everything, excuse me, mater. I don't believe... Mater? Is that the right word for mother or something? Fucking hell, you're so not in your 30s today. You're like everything. Excuse me, organiser. I am a precocious nine-year-old and I believe...

What is it, Johnny? Timmy? I believe your hoops in the bowl are not, in fact, Hula Hoop branded snacks as I'd preferred and demand. No, I have been led to believe by reputable sources and my own taste buds that actually this is the off-brand make and I shan't have it. I shan't have it in St Winifred's.

First of all, that's a girl's school. I don't know what you've been doing there, Timmy. Modern times. Things have changed. They're letting anyone in. Do you want me to call your mother to come and pick you up? Because that's what could happen, you little precocious bastard. Mother understands my genius.

Mother supports it. Mother feeds me titty. Right. Get out. I won't be doing that. And daddy feeds me dick titty. Oh, God. I just wanted to know if I could break you.

I'm sorry. I went to a very obvious place. Dick titty, everybody. Oh, no. Okay. Poor mental note. Please do not call this episode Dick Titty. I know you're going to want to.

I know you'll think it's funny. But no, just keep the surprise for the listener. All right. So, well, that's the first time I failed, I think, on that. But in a way, that had a positive result. It really did throw me because that's not the... They're always experimenting with different aero things, aren't they? Have you noticed that?

Yeah, they've got all sorts of products. It's like whisper bars, but whisper bars are more packed, condensed bubbles, you know? Different texture. It's a different texture. It's more crumbled. It's folded, isn't it?

It's a folded... That's twirl. Ah. But they're just like... Whisper bars are just aeros, but they're tightly packed bubbles. You know what surprised me as well? It was invented in 1935.

I know. We've all learned something today. We've all learned something. Okay, good. I don't get it. I know, we've all learned something today. We've all learned something. Okay, good. Okay, now, ladies and gentlemen, it's another edition of Silverman's Platter. I've been picking up some bits of obscure vinyl, novelty records, all kinds of cheap crap that clutters the charity shops of our nation.

I go there, I buy it, it fills my room up, it collects dust, it's a bit sad. Yeah. So, but we've got some today, Paul. Have you? Yes. What delights have we got today on the platter? Well, first up, this is a true novelty record. Is it now?

The artists The Duke and Earl Never heard of them Do you know anything about them? Absolutely zero What's the song called? The Bruno Rap Right, let's play a little bit of it

Let's play a little bit of it And then come back and review This is MMTV Coming to you live from Las Vegas I think we can now go over Yes, I think we're now going to go over to Harry Carpenter in Frank Bruno's dressing room. Hello and good evening.

I'm in the dressing room. I'm talking to Frank Bruno. Frank, say hello. Hello. All right, Harry. Hello. Hello. All right.

Now, Frank, over the years, you've built up your career, training in the lawless camp and lost a chance to be a champ. The whole of England's with you, Frank, but do you know what it takes to be a champ? Hard work. You know what I mean, Aaron? Yes. Hard work. You know what I mean, Harry? Yes. Hard work. You know what I mean, Harry? I think so. From dawn to dusk I'm in the gym.

This time, Harry, I'm gonna win. Look how long I've been waiting for my chance. Anticipating if Mark's gonna fight me or not. This time, Harry, I've got my shot. Iron Mike is what they say, but when I eat him, he'll melt away. Hard work. Do you know what I mean, Harry? Hard work. Do you know what I mean, Harry? This is the main event of the night.

12 rounds of boxing for the heavyweight championship of the world between Mike Tyson and Frank Bruno. Very, very depressing. Very 80s. From 1989. Yeah. Composed by Elle Beckett. And it was around the time of the very famous Frank Bruno-Tyson fight.

Probably came out beforehand, I would have thought. I don't know. Do you know why I don't know? Because they're very specific in the song about how the match plays out. Maybe, yeah. Because he goes, round one, and then round two, it's like he goes out to put the slap down, and then he goes, oh no, and then it stops. He got knocked out.

So did he get knocked out in round six? Yeah, he got knocked out. So I think it was made after that then. Must have been. Okay, it's got terrible 80s instrumentation. It been. Okay. It's got terrible 80s instrumentation. It's very basic. It's almost Casio keyboard level. Very much so. Very unusual label.

Pekka. And it's got a strange sort of almost Russian constructivist design on it, which I have never seen before, that label. Or heard of these people. They sound like they're just two kids in their 20s who have gotten the chance to make a piss-poor rap spoof. Because you know there's one thing I hate more than anything else? White guys rapping.

There are obvious examples, Eminem, Beastie Boys. But by and large, when you're from Wolverhampton or Milton Keynes and you decide that your life's going to be spent rapping, I think you need to just baby step back check yourself before one wrecks oneself you are on shaky ground oh I know that I do

white rap I know I do it and I don't think I'm not proud of it who's the man he's the silver man he's the silver man coming out for Christmas number one buy it download it we'll get it to number one for Christmas so the Bruno. Buy it, download it. We'll get it to number one for Christmas. So the Bruno rap. Mike. No, not Mike.

Frank. Frank Bruno. Frank Bruno at the time was a huge celebrity. You know what I mean, Harry? And he used to say that. And he was referring to who? Harry... Seacombe. It's not Harry Seacombe.

He's the guy out of the Goons. Yeah. And Crossroads. No, not Crossroads. The religious show on Sunday. Songs of Praise used to do that. Yeah, Songs of Praise used to do that Oh I'm a signer Yeah but

Yeah he's also Harry Seacombe I'm not going on a tangent here But Harry Seacombe Records They clog up They just Fat in an artery

They clog up Charity shops Really do That and Cliff Richard songs Singles clog up Santa Vani All that stuff Lots and lots of...

What was that band they saw lots of no matter where I went? Five Star. Lots of Five Star singles. And Yaz. Yeah. Different charity shops.

All same kind of singles that have been donated. It's... You now know the pain of the charity shop vinyl digger. I could write a novelty record about that

which no one would hear. Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb. I really like... I go shopping for songs. I could write a novelty record about that which no one would hear I'm Eli I go shopping for songs My name's Eli It's all too wrong I'm Paul, I'm on this show I'm doing rap, even though I hate white guys doing it

Awful I'm Paul I'm Paul Don't call me the Milky Bar Kid because I'll do shit on the lid. Your rap skills are so bad. Well, I just... Well, I'm proving your point then for you. All right, fucker.

I'm Eli. I like a little bit of vinyl. I'm right, Eli. And my decision's made that final. I'm going to go into a shop and spend some money I've not got on vinyl to burn down my house that was good thank you

thank you so the Bruno rap not very good but it made me think about these sporting events used to generate

novelty records so you've got the Bratz with Chalk Dust which is the McEnroe John McEnroe Wimbledon one

yeah there's also the Amphibian Rap, Liverpool. Yes. A lot of football teams released songs, didn't they? Of course.

That's a whole genre in itself. But I'm talking about like incidents and this is very, this is one sporting event really. Yeah. Sort of commemorated almost in a novelty, a knockoff novelty record.

Yeah. And I would be surprised if this was the only sort of novelty record featuring the Frank Bruno, Hello Harry bullshit. Hello Harry, you know what I mean Harry. It's hard work. That was such a depressing part of the song.

It kind of has this jaunty rap and then it cuts to this plodding kind of It's hard work, you know what I mean Harry. And he was also a staple of Impressionists at the time, wasn't he? You know what I mean. And then, a staple of impressionists at the time wasn't he you know what I mean and then thankfully he got to have a break on that

because everyone discovered Chris Eubank and all of a sudden it went from you know what I mean to I'm not a bokthar yeah I'm a fighter

I'm a bokthar but you know both of them say yes Paul it's similar okay so how many silver platters out of

out of five how many platters I? Out of? Out of five. How many platters? I'll go for two. Two? It wasn't that bad. You know, they gave it a go. They did these sort of little bits where they have the commentator and at the end they, you know, they did little bits.

They're trying to be funny. Yeah. Trying. Very poor. Anyway, moving on. Track number two is? Indians in Moscow. And what's the song called, interestingly?

Well, it's hard to tell by the cover because they've covered it in Moscow. And what's the song called, interestingly? Well, it's hard to tell by the cover, because they've covered it in crap, but it's called Jack Pelter... Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Jack Pelter and His Sex Change Chicken. Well, I bet you're wondering what it sounds like. Well, it sounds like this. Oh, where's my 30 pieces?

I've had enough of theirs A slideshow would do nicely But not in my front room I tried to walk the dog But the neighbors wouldn't have it That old farmer is a briar, briar, briar I owe it all to my sex change Now, Paul, trying a bit too hard, do we think, to be kind of zany in that 80s, that quintessentially 80s way. It's like you said, it's that little bit of Transvision Vamp

slash blondie, shouty, rock, pop, techno, 80s thing. Well, God, you fucked that up. How have I fucked that up? I'll just try and summarise what you're trying to get at. It's like Transvision Vamp meets the Spitting Image team.

What, rock techno? Those are two fucking diametrically opposed genres of music. Would you not say that if bands like Transvision Vamp had elements of modern techno music and rock elements like guitar They definitely had rock with synths

and samples and stuff like that. I guess they did, yes. So, I was wrong Paul and I must be punished how how would you like to be punished

I would like you pick your poison dick titty oh dick titty coming out dick titty dick titty

comes out once a day so yeah it's just don't you get that kind of trying to be funny thing with this Sex change chicken You know what I mean

It's bullshit But it reminds me they've gone to town Someone's painted the cover With a chicken drinking a cocktail Again you can see not only the videos Accompanying this episode that show you the songs in full But we'll take pictures of the vinyl covers themselves And you can get to see

Oh it's a pretty vinyl though isn't it? It's a white vinyl, yes It's a very nice vinyl Is that a reprint? No Original, 1983 Do you know why it looks like that? Have a look at it, why do you think it looks like that? It looks like an egg. Yeah, it looks like a fried egg

But they've got the colour wrong on the inside label, haven't they? It's orange. Albumum part. I guess you sometimes get eggs like that, but it would read egg much clearer to me if it was bright yellow. Well, we're going to have to argue the toss over the shade of orange that suits your brand of egg.

You're going to need to take a photo of that. I'm going to take a photo of that, don't you worry. Very interesting. Again, another label, Kenick Records, which I have never even accounted ever before or since. I found it hollow, that song. Like it doesn't go anywhere. Awful. Awful. Piece of knock-off. Out of five

splatters? One. One platter. One platter. So more of a splatter than a platter. Well, more of a splattery egg. Oh, not your best gag. Right, next one. I was just going to try and make the point though. Back in the 80s it was like novelty records they were the equivalent of memes or something.

Do you see what I mean? This is what I was thinking. They got out and you share them as a laugh. You know, there was something in the popular consciousness that was like an event or like, you know, McEnroe being angry. And instead of it just being endless people doing shit on the internet with it,

people would go into a recording studio and write, conceive and write a novelty pop song about it. That's why they call it The Streak. That was a huge novelty song. Remember that one? The Streak? Yeah, which is about streakers.

Yeah, because that was a huge thing at the time, wasn't it, in America? These sporting things, yeah. What we should do, one episode of Tube Show should be like a Top of the Pop special

where we'll count down the top ten novelty songs. Okay, I'm up for that. Yeah? Yeah. And we'll film it as well so we can surround you by beautiful girls and you can say, Oh, Nolan, Nolan.

Coming up next is... Rolf Harris. Well, there you go. Anyway. Gary Glitter versus Rolf Harris. Smackdown. Right. They should do that.

They should pit them against each other in a field of death. Mate, that's been done. No, I want to see Gary Glitter and Rolf Harris in a field, like a cornfield, surrounded by scarecrows, all holding weapons. And they're thrown in. Oh, the scarecrows are holding weapons?

Yeah. I like this. But they get thrown in. Naked. Naked. They have some kind of loincloth. Here's the thing. Naked, right?

They've got leather loincloths. They've got a little pouch on, right? And they're allowed to choose one weapon from the scarecrows. Well, who's going to stop them using others? Ah, the scarecrows. They've got leather loincloths They've got a little pouch on Right And they're allowed to choose One weapon From the Scarecrow Well who's going to stop them Using others Ah

The Scarecrows Are robots The Walking Dead You know Zombified humans They're zombie robots They're human But they've had a part

Of their brain removed So they're practically zombies Ah okay And they're dressed as Scarecrows And they just need to Hold on to that weapon They're dressed as Scarecrows Yeah

Right If they do go for a second weapon It's an army of zombified Wurzel gummages Yeah If they do go for a second weapon... It's an army of zombified Wurzel gamages. Yeah. If they do go for a second weapon, they're allowed to get off the crosses and march into the fighting...

They're on crosses? Yeah, they're hanging on crosses because they're scarecrows. They're allowed to get down off the crosses and then start using their weapons on Gary or Rolf. And so then they're fighting...

They have to behave. So if they pick one weapon, they fight to the death. If after half an hour they're still alive, we send in dogs and these dogs have not been fed in a while. And the oil

that we cover them in is like chippy chip oil. The oil that we cover them in? Gary Glitter and Ralph Harris. They're in chippy chip oil. The kind of chip oil that you see out the back of, like, how do you know dogs like that? You don't know dogs like that. These dogs will be trained to like it. Well, why not just

cover them in chum because because that's silly you're saving money that's silly you're saving money aren't you are we yeah training the dogs

to like chip oil that's a whole that's a list of I'm going to do an amendment right cover them in chum and then what happens who wins

we win because we get to watch it happen alright they see the conceit there you think one of them gets to win no mate no mate they don't get to win they get to suffer painful horrible death in the last few grisly moments of their life okay good paul and if you'd like to give us money on patreon good please go to patreon.com forward slash thecheapshow. One last thing, sorry, to mention about Indians in Moscow.

We're only two records in. The last thing to mention about Indians in Moscow is that it's very similar to the other record that we recently reviewed on... Farmers Boys. Farmers Boys. Yeah. It again had a cartoony cover and a kind of lame...

A joke kind of attitude. But a sort of kind of straight down the line crappy pop song. Middle of the road. The best thing about Indians in Moscow is the white vinyl with the egg. That's about it. Okay. Ready? Next.

Doctor Who. Ooh. Now, I've just let you into a little secret, everybody. I... Paul's been staying at the House of Pickles. You have a choice now, by the way. What? You can either tell this story and then get a massive slap on the arm afterwards.

Oh, don't slap me. Or you can not tell this story. Oh, come on, this is nice. This lets them in, Paul. I'll make you, I'm letting you make the decision. You either continue the story and then I smack you. Paul was crying at Doctor Who. I was, yeah.

Peter Capaldi was all dead and it was sad. He was like, fuck off, I'm crying, I'm having a moment. That was. Yeah. Peter Capaldi was all dead and it was sad. He was like, fuck off, I'm crying, I'm having a moment. Jesus Christ. I would have been less embarrassed if you'd caught me masturbating when you came in.

Yes, it's more embarrassing than wanking. Crying at Doctor Who. But anyway, he's into it. He's a true fan, everybody.

I'm not so much a Whovian as more of a kind of respected fan of the show. You were crying. It was emotionally engaging. It was making you cry. Okay. Alright,

fine, I don't want to dwell on it. Thank you. Doctor Who. All right, fine. I don't want to dwell on it. Thank you. Doctor Who. This is the theme from Doctor Who, theme from the BBC TV series. So it's got the Doctor Who theme by Ron Granger. The traditional, well, there's many versions of the theme,

Frouted Rob. And this is a lame version. This is the one. We're not going to play them the Doctor Who one. Just go play Little Snip. No, but we're doing it. No, not the Doctor Who not going to play them the Doctor Who one. Just go play Little Snip. No, but we're doing it. No, not the Doctor Who theme.

They all know the Doctor Who theme. More interesting to me and the reason I really picked this up was side two, Paul. Yeah, side two. The flip side is the astronauts. Peter Howell

and the BBC Radio Phonics. Is he Peter Howell? No, that's Peter Davison. He's just the Doctor. Peter Howell works at Imagine without doing any research at all, at the Radiophonic Workshop.

And this is an original composition by himself. Yeah. Peter Howell is someone with the BBC Radiophonic Workshop. Now, I love the BBC Radiophonic Workshop. Yeah, I have lots of respect for them. Julia Darbyshire, who worked on the original Doctor Who theme. Yeah. Brilliant.

So, shall we play them a bit of this? Let's play them a bit of this let's play them Thank you. So, for me, that's very reminiscent of, like, a sort of 80s action cop film, where they, you know... Yeah, I mean, even though it has got that sci-fi tinge, you could easily apply it to another genre piece. Definitely, and it also has a very 80s tangerine dream feel. Oh, yeah, a nice bit of tangerine.

I quite like it. I liked it. I quite like it. I liked it. We were really impressed when we listened to Side B on a whim. Yeah. And thought,

that's much better than the Doctor Who fucking theme. The Doctor Who theme, they've really taken all... The Doctor Who theme. The Doctor Who theme. Yeah, I just mispronounce stuff. I don't put like a stupid,

like totally deconstruct language in a fucking... in an almost insane way. Paul. I don't want slapsies. You. We were very impressed by that anyway because we put it on just to see what it would be sounding like

and it would be sounding quite good. It's got that kind of John Carpenter stuff almost. Oh yeah. Like a kind of Escape from New York-ish thing. And also the Warriors had bits like that. Yeah. That was a nice surprise.

And what, 20p? 20p. That is cheap. So don't be saying we're spending a lot of money. No. Because we're not. So how many platters? I'll give that three platters.

Oh, I was going to give it three and a half. Okay. You can. I did. Well, good then. Oh, I was going to give it three and a half. Okay. You can. I did. Well, good then. All right. All right then. Dick.

So, but just to say as well, the Doctor Who theme is very poor. What version? Or the theme in general? No, the theme is great, but I don't like that version. It's lost all of its analogue charm. No, it does...

You know what it is? It's the synthesizers that they used to have at the BBC Radio Phonic Workshop in the 60s and early 70s. All these analogs and also they had

tape loop stuff like Melatonin, which has a really excellent sort of sound and nostalgic kind of But the minute a computer can start doing it.

They've got in the 80s, they've gotten to digital. These are digital synthesizers they're using, if I'm not mistaken. And they don't have

any of that organic you know what I mean it's kind of glassy and yeah just not as good and a bit too

kind of Casio Bontempi keyboard definitely yeah it's that digital it's the digital as opposed to the analog but what I like about

the modern theme is that they've kept the structure and they've got the orchestra in there and the they've got full orchestra the full orchestra

but they've also got that 80s synthesizer thing lurking at the fringes of it. The synth line has always been a thing that they've kept the same. And it's nice to keep that in. Yeah. So, all right. Yeah, cool. What's the next track then?

Last track today, everybody. Stardance by John Ford. Oh. Don't know anything about it other than what I heard, which was this. Down, down Get off the ground There's a star Far away But the B-side is also interesting. I think you should play them some of that as well.

Flight of the Jumping Boots? Yes. All right. Here's a bit of that. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! ¶¶ Anything to say? No, because... It's kind of space disco. British space disco.

I like a bit of space disco. I mean, that astronaut's a bit space disco-y. Yeah, I like this. Until he starts trying to do a sort of American disco sing-y thing, which is excruciatingly bad. Oh, hey, baby. Yeah, that thing. How you doing?

Yeah, baby. Move it, baby. I've got lots of things to say, yeah. Yeah. I don't think he's Dutch, though. He's not Dutch. He's not Dutch. But we can try.

Hey, Barbie, let's go party. Hello, Barbie, let's go party. Yes. I love that guy in Barbie. Yeah, do you? Is he your role model? That is an absolute classic. The fucking guy in Aqua. Who, do you? Is he your role model? That is an absolute classic. The fucking guy in Aqua who goes,

Let's go party! And you're a role model to him, are you? I'm a role model to him? No, he's a role model to you. Let's go party! Anyone who says, let's go party. Yeah? You know, come on.

Yeah, but you're the kind of person who goes, I can't be fucked. That's you. I think you've done the voice a number of times, Paul. No one likes it Everyone likes noodles And no one wants to hear you do an impression of me And you don't get the soundboard out

This is where you'd get the fucking soundboard out And everyone would hate it And we're going to lose subscribers because of it So give me a fucking score You haven't told me anything about this What's your mood? Do you like listening to it? Have you played it live? Do you talk to yourself

when you get to the fucking B-side? But I am into this weird, obscure disco. Like the Outer Reaches. And this really falls into this. It's a bit of an oddity. If someone liked that,

where would they go next? Where would you point them? Well, it's kind of Space Disco. It's very similar to a band called Space. Yeah. Who had a big...

Not the Scouse band in the 90s, Space. No, a different one. Okay. Which is a disco band from the 70s. Yes. Space with Magic Fly was their famous one.

Very nice. Very good. And the jump flight, the jumping bean, just strange. I've not heard it because you sprung that on me. So I won't be able to hear it until I edit it in later. That's fucking professional. So I've got two options. I'm going to give you two responses.

Here's my first. I really like that, actually. I was surprised. I thought, judging by the first side, it's going to be very similar, but actually it's musically different enough for me to enjoy. And there's some interesting parts there

that kept me amused right till the end. But that's take one. Take two. Didn't really like that one as much. Nah, not really my thing. It was a bit too weird, I thought. I thought the first side was a bit more classical, a bit more fine with the second.

Just a bit too odd. A bit too desperate to please. I'm going to give side A three platters, and side B, I'm going to give two platter, one platter. All right? Okay, then. Well, that's Eli's Platters, everybody. What a load of shit. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking

price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to one of the most popular segments of Cheap Show. It's called The Price of Shite. The game where I simply, or Eli simply, buys a few items and you have to guess the price of shite. You've got to guess the price! It's that simple! I can't believe it! Now, it's my turn this week to deliver some Price of Shite to you. Drop off the shite. And I'm reasonably impressed by what I've gotten.

Good language. Yeah what I've gotten. Good language. Yeah. I've gotten. Of what I have got. All right. I am happy with what I have got. Okay. All right.

And yeah, we're going to keep the roll rules. 25p under or over gets you one point. Yes. On the nose, two points. Two points. And if you get anything further out than that, then I give you some dick titty action you're making it

the title aren't you no I'm not going to no I'm definitely going to call this episode dick titty

right are you ready I'm ready for the price of shite now I bought all of these in North Finchley in London

and were they charity shop items yeah they charity shop items? Yeah, all charity shop items. One is a charity shop called RFFR. I don't know what it was, but it's a registered charity. And the other, I believe, I might be wrong, I think the other was a Bernardo's, I think. And what's the,

not having visited North Finchley, Good stock. What's the charity shop scene up there? There's quite a few up there. Especially as you come off Ballard's Road in North London just the whole you know

kind of North Finchley area interesting selection the RFFR if I've gotten that right charity shop was like Aladdin's cave you went in

it was two dusty old shops next door to each other one had clothes and board games no one had clothes and bits of bric-a-brac the other one was literally like a bric-a-brac shop.

Shelves full of board games and toys and cutlery and glassware and bowls and gadgets and toys and records and... You said toys. Videos. Did I say that, Mr Dickhead? Whoa! I'm sorry I said that no one liked you, Paul, okay? I'm really defensive now. All right.

I know people don't like me as much as you. I get that. I get it? I'm really defensive now. All right. I know people don't like me as much as you. I get that. I get it. I can only be me. And if people can't take me for me, go fuck themselves. Oh, yeah. I was going to say,

I'm going to kill myself. You don't kill yourself. They can go fuck themselves. They can go and take their issues and put them on a posting board of their choice. And you will read it.

And talk to like-minded cretins about how... What have they done? cretins about how what have they done what have they done hey they certainly haven't done a podcast about nonsense in their fucking sweaty little box room let's just do this fucking show right here we go so the first item i'm going to keep simple just to break you in i'm not too impressed with it but i liked it so here's your first item okay you're gonna break me you're gonna close your eyes or should i just give you it just to hand it all right here we go item number one it's a snow item. Are you ready? Are you going to break me in? Are you going to close your eyes or should I just give you it? Just hand it to me. All right, here we go.

Item number one. It's a snow globe. Say what you see. It's a snow globe of the Taj Mahal. I thought it was a Taj Mahal. I wasn't quite sure. Is it the Taj Mahal or is it the Kremlin or something?

I don't know. I thought it was the Taj Mahal but it could have been the Victoria Palace in Brighton. I'm noticing some stuff about this. Yeah? It's only half full of water. That's what time does to it.

Water can't exist like that forever. It will evaporate. It's a little greenhouse. Of course the water's going to evaporate. Where to, though, Paul? Oh, that's a very good question. So there must be a leak. Because otherwise it'd just be condensation.

Yeah, that's right. That's right. If it's perfectly sealed, then the water shouldn't... Well, it looks like it has just been filled to that level. Okay, so ladies and gentlemen, what I'm looking looks like it has just been filled to that level. Okay, so ladies and gentlemen, what I'm looking at here... And there's no snow in it. That's the other thing I was going to say. There does not seem to be any snow.

Now, there are some things in the water. It looks like glitter. So they've gone for a glitter effect, but it really doesn't work. Do you think maybe what's happened is it once had lots of glitter in and it was full of water and either someone dropped it or broke it and then they filled it up with water. Could have. Tap water.

Could have been. But as it is, it's like quite an ornate four-pillared squared building. It almost looks Islamic. Yes. Or something like that, like a mosque or a church. It's got Middle Eastern design to it. It certainly has a Middle Eastern flavour to it. Or certainly maybe even Indian. We couldn't tell.

It's one of those. It's got minarets. It's got four minarets on all the corners. I quite like it, actually, I have to say. If it was full, it looks like it's the day after tomorrow. It's like poking up out of the water. It looks like the sunken lost city of Al-Kabazbad. Al-Kabazbad.

I like that. That's a great name for a film. No snow in it. No snow. But you wouldn't really expect a building like that to be situated in a place with lots of snow, would you? Not really. Or underwater, let's be honest. Or underwater. And also the globe itself has a sort of flattened front, which looks like it might have had a sticker on at one point as well.

This is not an original item in its original state. Is this the equivalent of buying a car from a used car dealership? It's a product of India. And then found that it's... Taj. It is the Taj fucking Mahal. Well, we figured it out. Don't we look like a pair of fucking chumpdows?

Well, you. I did very little explaining. What? You didn't know it was the Taj Mahal, did you? I think one of the first things I said was, I think it's the Taj Mahal. I said that as well. Not as fast as quickly as I did. Right. It is the Taj Mahal, did you? I think one of the first things I said was, I think it's the Taj Mahal. I said that as well. Not as fast and as quickly as I did. Right, it is

the Taj Mahal, everybody, and it was made in India. Say it again. The Taj Mahal, everybody. No, say, Paul, you were right, and I was wrong. Paul, you were always right, and I was wrong, and I would be barely existing in this world without your efforts, your sterling efforts. Everyone loves you,

especially when you do things with soundboards. I don't believe that was a genuine comment. Alright, here we go. So, I have to guess the price of this. Yes. This is a charity shop item. I do know the price of these, by the way. I have remembered that information.

Eli, what do you think it is? 50p. 50p. Okay, for the globe I'm not going to call it a snow globe I'm just going to call it a globe Taj Mahal globe Yeah, that's what you said What would you rate that in terms of shite?

I like it I like a bit of architectural I like unusual snow globes People do collect them, don't they? They do, I was a big fan of them But. People do collect them, don't they? They do. I was a big fan of them, but I can't afford them. Where would I put them? Yeah, they all get all manky and they all get...

All spermy. All spermy and manky. And often you see them and they're half empty like this. So there must be some issue with evaporation. You're right. There must be. If they sealed them correctly, there must be ways of conserving them that the real collectors are into. There must be a way.

It's like people who collect beer cans and they want to keep the ring pull on, so they just make a little incision at the bottom of the can with a pin or something and drain it out so it keeps the top sealed. Do they drink the beer? I believe they some might. Do they get drunk? Some might. I'm not here. I'll get my collection of beer cans.

I'm the most successful man in the world. So, you said 50 pieces. Oh, 80, did you say? No, I definitely said 50 pieces. You're giving away some shit there, are you? Maybe, shut up. You said 50. It's locked in.

It is locked in. Can I just change that to 55? No. No, you can't, you prick. Right, here's item number two, and it's a two-part item. Well, all right, I'm excited. Let me just double-check. Right, here we go.

What do you make of these? Oh, yeah. Now, what we're seeing here, ladies and gentlemen, is a pair of Cadbury's Cream and Egg-branded egg cups. Yes. They're quite large for egg cups. They are more bulbous around the middle than the opening at the top. You could fit an egg in there, couldn't you?

What's so funny? I'm being rude. You said bulbous and head. So, yeah, you could actually put a Cadbury's cream egg in one of these. Maybe it's for Cadbury's cream eggs. I suppose it is, isn't it, really? We just don't know. Even we couldn't figure that out now,

because cream eggs are much more than they used to be in the 70s when I think these eggs were made. You think these are authentic 70s ones? They've got to be. Look at the wrapping. The wrapping is so 70s. It's different. The logo.

Is that different to how they are? Yeah. Look, it's red, green, and blue. Okay, so this could be a vintage... I'm happy to be wrong, but these look... They've got to be at least 80s, 1980s, this design. Could be a vintage item. If anyone's listening to this podcast and you want to go to our website

and have a look at these eggs and maybe have a guess themselves... The egg holders. The egg cups, then please do comment. It'll be on our website. Okay. They're lovely, aren't they, though? I like them. Nice.

Very kitsch value. I can see why you've noticed those. I like branded gimmicky stuff. Ceramic. Ceramic egg cups branded with the Cadbury's cream eggs. And what is there? There's always a controversy every year with fucking Cadbury's cream eggs, isn't there? Someone going, they changed it. Oh, they changed the size.

They did. First of all, they changed how many you used to get in a box. Because you used to get six in a box, like eggs. And then they've changed it now. So you only get five, but it comes in a long row. That doesn't look like an egg box. No, it doesn't. That takes the joke away.

Also, since the company was bought by Kraft, I believe they changed the chocolate recipe. So that doesn't taste quite the same anymore. And the size has changed as well. They've got smaller. Like most things in life. Mars bars, Snickers. Frazzles. Curly Whirlies.

Cream eggs. Bags of Crisps. See, now, I'd be interested to know, we were talking about the origins of chocolate, whether Cadbury's Cream Egg came out in the 30s as well. Shall we do the internet thing? Do the internet thing. Okay, Google, when was Cadbury Cream Egg invented? According to Wikipedia, while filled eggs were first manufactured by the Cadbury brothers in 1923,

the cream egg in its current form was introduced in 1963. And by then, it was sold as Fry's cream egg. Oh, it had different brands. And then in 1971, it became Cadbury's cream egg. And also, another item that is pretending to be an egg, just like the record we had earlier. It's an egg-themed show.

It's an egg-based show. Bum Egg. Contribution. Bum Eggs and Dick Titties. Mate, that's like a Beautiful South song that they did put on the album. Bum Eggs and Dick Titties. Anyway. I was going to try and do an impression of Beautiful beautiful stuff and then I realised I can't really do it

I need a little bum egg I need a little bum egg okay so in the grave now these are quite nice they are and they're in good condition

they're in very good condition there's no chipping a bit of wearing around the rim where the egg would sit or maybe that's just how the glazing's happening the glaze is just thinner there

and yeah they're good good Nick I wish there was more information on them. Like a date or a time or a print. that they are two pounds. That you paid maybe two pounds for those.

Each or both together? Both together, two pounds. Because I'm looking at it, I'm thinking someone probably goes, oh, they're, you know, I'd say two quid for those. Because I just want to mention, I picked up the other day

Yeah. my Ghost, what are they called? Pac-Man. Pac-Man ghosts. Pac-Man ghosts. Salt and pepper. Shakers.

Yeah. Which are a much more recent item because they've got like a website on the bottom. Yeah. Obviously some kind of... Namco probably made them in association with...

They are. Bandai. Bandai Namco made. There. Yeah. Okay. Now, those were two pounds. They're both ceramic items and they they're similar size to these.

So I'm going off that, basically. Okay, all right, fair enough. Okay, good, so I've written down £2. Here is your last one. Now, this is the one I was looking forward to, not because I think it's particularly clever, but what I found inside surprised me, and I bought it with it anyway because I really kind of wanted that,

but thankfully. Basically, what I'm saying is what I've bought is equivalent to buying a porn mag and hiding it in the daily mirror to buy it you know what I mean there's something something snipped in did it yes this is always exciting when you find a mystery item in in an item that you thought you were buying another item yeah and inside that item is an even more special item Paul I'm not going to say specials no it's like amazing but in a kind of all right here we go go. Tell me what you see at first. This is a copy of Fatboyz The Twist with Stupid Death vocals by Chubby Checker.

Come on, everybody. This is like a novelty rap record. Yeah. The Fatboyz was a big hit, wasn't it? Let's play a little bit of that right now. Twist! We're fat, fat! Come on, baby! Twins! And go So that's that. Do you remember the Fat Boys had a really depressing record

about falling asleep in an all-you-can-eat buffet? Oh, Beansity. It's bad for me. I'm gonna die of dysentery or something. Do you remember that? No. It was really, really depressing. I fell asleep in a pizza and like, I'm fat.

It was strange. Like, that's one of their B-sides. Yeah. So, on the back? On the back, you have how to do the twist. The twist, obviously. No, didn't they have Wipeout? Didn't they do that as well?

No, I think they did Wipeout. That was the Fat Boys, wasn't it? Was it? Yeah. It might have been. The twist, obviously, is a tune by Chubby Checker from the 1950s that they've just repurposed as a kind of novelty rap record. Big at the time.

I remember it being big at the time. Now, your preamble has led me to believe that this isn't all that meets the eye. No, there is something in there which is a bit of an Easter egg, you could argue. Yeah, I'm going to look inside. There's two records. There is a copy of the fat boys good nick very good nick but and it's also got a 45 rpm adapter in it which is good for you you like them i like those click that good and there's another record in there and what is it tell me

what read what you see stylophone by dub ray a stylophone, for people who don't know, is that little kind of keyboardy thing you use a little metal conductor to make kind of vibraphone sounds with. But that's not all, is it, Eli? What else is on that record? Side one. Rolf Harris. Star of my Hunger Games-style deathmatch.

Yeah, introduces the revolutionary stylophone. With the exception of rhythm guitar and bass accompaniment. All sounds on this record are produced entirely by the stylophone and a child molester. And on side two, Rolf Harris again.

It's the same on both sides, I think. And stylophone, 249 to 289 Cricklewood Broadway. It has the address of the Debray manufacturers Yeah Grew up round there Did you? Yeah

You were home near the birth of the xylophone Yes Should we have a listen to it? The funny thing Oh go on Let's have a listen Say what the funny thing is We were going to pick this up weren't we

And we thought it was a bit too child molesty To put on the show Did we find that once before? The other day when we were looking for items up in Crouch End I thought that was Noel Edmonds we found a video of

a vinyl of no we found this don't you remember it was a Flexi though oh it was Flexi this on Flexi so this record has found us I found so many Flexi

this while we were about and some had some really interesting stuff on but I couldn't buy them because there was a folder or a kink and they're just unplayable once you get a little notch

in it we should do a Flexi special. Because I picked up that other one with engine noises described by Charles Murray. What's it called, Charles Murray? Walker, Murray Walker. Murray Walker. And you won't believe the sound of this truck.

Yeah, basically, it's a quite detailed breakdown of all sorts of engine trouble on Flexi. So without any further ado, should we go and listen to this? Let's go and listen to this. All right, let's go. Hello again. You know, the ideal way to get the most enjoyment out of a stylophone is to play along with records.

And for this purpose, we've produced a great selection of special play-along records and tune books, like, for example, Christmas carols and traditional tunes, and there's a special Glenn Miller album with all his favourites, tunes like Moonlight Serenade, Pennsylvania Six Five, Oh, Oh, Oh, remember that one? Chattanooga Choo Choo, At Last. All fantastic stuff.

And there's a Latin American album with lovely tunes like Laura and How About You and Brazil. Oh, La Meca may want to get up and dance. Relax, Ralph. Don't get carried away now. Settle down. Seriously, though, let's play along with a track from book number one. This is a lovely traditional tune called Coming Through the Rye. I'll just slip the record on the record player. That's it. Wait for the tuning signal to see that the stylophone is in tune with the record. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I forgot to mention that. You can tune your stylophone up or down to match any other instrument or record player simply by turning a little control knob. Oops. Here's the signal. Now, the stylophone, you look for the key marked A, and you play that, and it's, oh, you see now it's slightly out of tune, so I'll just hold that note on there, and I'll turn the knob at the back,

and just move the stylophone note into tune with the one on the record. There you go, and we're in tune. Now, just wait for the introduction. And away we go. So, Rolf obviously has a much more colourful history now because of what's happened to him with the whole Operation U-Tree, Jimmy Savile fallout. Yes, he's the child of Lester so that's not very nice let's not make fun of that

because I think I did sterling work with my Gary Glitter Ralph Harris death match yes which I think is as the history books will show

classic bit of satire but it's just weird because they genuinely thought at the time Stalaf was going to be the next big musical instrument that would

you know all the kids would start playing in schools and start making bands about, I guess. Yeah, but it's just too limited, isn't it? You say that, but have you ever heard of bread domino? No, what's bread domino? Brent domino. Brent domino. What's bread domino?

It's like domino. Bread domino. Stop saying bread domino. That'd be good. Bread domino would be good. You could have a game, have a snack, eat some jam. Or maybe little domino-shaped breads. That's what I'm talking about. Well, you should have made that more

explicit then, shouldn't you? Of course that's what I'm talking about. What did you think I was talking about? You cloth-eared fucking nincompoop. I'm not cloth-eared. Yes, you are. You never listen to people. You never listen to people. You're just thinking there, going when is it my turn to speak? Now! You're a cag! No!

There has to be a ban on Paul's Eli voice. When is it my turn to speak? Now! You're a cunt! You're a w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w Ralph Harris because at the time he was known for his didgeridoo. Sorry. His didgeridoo and his wobble board. His wobble board. God. What is it about those celebrities that have led themselves, because of their crimes, to just being, everything is now retroactively awful and creepy. Yeah, I know.

It's just one of those things, isn't it? It's like Jimmy Savile, when he was still a kind of cuddly old daft dodger from the old bygone days of Radio 1, when he said, I was about that then. And you think, aw. And now you just think that's horrifying. That's terrifying.

If you were at night in your room, maybe in a hospital ward, and the lights were all off, and in the middle of the night you heard, I was about that then. No. You would be scared. It would have been like a Slender Man.

It would have been the It clown. It would have been like a Slender Man. It would have been the It clown. It would have been a nightmare fuel. That's the sum it is. Rolf Harris was a big proponent of weird musical instruments, and so that's why they got him. He was known for introducing instruments to children. Yeah. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. Oh, God. Oh, dear. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no. This is shameful. Really, we should not be in the top 50.

We don't deserve it. We don't deserve it. We do not deserve it. We deserve spanking. So, yeah, and so he's introducing... I might call this episode Ralph Harris's Dick Titty. It's changed. No.

So he's introducing on that record, he's introducing the instrument... The Marvellous World. The Marvellous World of the Stylophone. It was a little bit late on that side B where he goes, and you can play along to learn how to play.

You can play along to a record that you recognise. Yeah. And so you get this horrible sensation of this very particular 70s sound of

stylophone over kind of classical music. Yeah. And it sounds like that kind of end of a pier British holiday haunted seaside resort vibe.

It's got that weird kind of you go into a ballroom and all that is playing. There's no one dancing and there's one guy having a fag and drinking beer

and there's someone standing in the corner and you can't see their face you can't quite see what he's doing and the people behind the bar are all smoking and looking disenfranchised

and it's just that depressing it is that depressing it's got that sound eerie and depressing yeah so anyway but you found that

so you got two for the price of one because that Rolf Harris stylophone introduction record, again, clogging up the charity shops of this fair nation. Lots of Gary Glitter songs all of a sudden appearing in charity shops. Everyone wants to donate them.

Who's going to buy them? No one. No one. We've got a Gary Glitter blockage. Glut. A glut of glitter. A glut of glitter. Right.

So how much do you think that vinyl cost me? Now, see, I know something of this now so generally yeah charity shops price vinyl seven inch singles yeah ranging from about 25p up to a pound okay but now that the vinyl sort of people have realised more about the actual value of vinyl there are more vinyl collectors now compared to a few years ago yeah

they do tend to price them up a bit more okay which is one of my bugbears you know when you go and see a very tatty old LP

perhaps the Beatles and they've looked do your sound that's the one they've done yeah they've done you know they've just looked at the price,

but they haven't taken into consideration the condition, which affects the price so much. Although the condition of that record was not too bad. And the Rolf House one, Crumply Crinkly, which we apologise for because we've had to... Crankly. Crankly. So we've had to record the Crankly version we've got.

Yeah. So apologises for not having a crystal clean quality version of it. But with all that in mind, how much do you think it's going to cost you? It's still quite suburban where you bought it. So I think they could be on, play this safe, 50p. Even if it's 25p, I've still got the point for being close if it's 25p. Okay. With that in mind, let's now find out just exactly what was the price of that shite.

Of that shite. Of that shite. So first of all we started with the Taj Mahal snow globe so long some so long ago you said 80p no you said 50p it was 80 it was 80p oh god it was so 80 so you were out by 30p there unfortunately so no point uh now for the eggs you said £2 for them both. Now this is where you get upset slightly

because they were £1 each but when I bought them she went how about £2 for £1.50 and I was like alright. So I paid £1.50 for those eggs. So come on.

So 50p out there again. So unfortunately Let's go back to 50p out. Oh is that interesting? When you made a big fuss about the points system in the first place, everyone gets a fucking point. What's the fucking point? You need to change it. It doesn't make sense, Paul.

Why are you so bad at making games, Paul? Why are you all so shit, Paul? You know what, Paul? Just 25p. 25p. Will you agree with me on that? Pretty soon, Paul. Yeah, I'll agree with you on that. Pretty soon, Paul. You're just going to be able to do this podcast by yourself aren't you

you just do you've got a little me living inside you nothing is scarier generally than the idea of me sitting in a dark room going hello welcome to the cheap show

I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive how's Eli doing I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive he came up to me

and I was like get the fuck out get the fuck out I don't have it I don't have it I don't have it but I'd still want payment in some kind for using my image

using your likeness vocal likeness okay so I didn't score there either no and yet if you kept to my scoring system you'd be two points clear there

yeah well I've got to accept it I've made my bed you made that bed you forced me to get in that bed with you I haven't ever made my bed

and now we're both cuddling in that bed. And now you want me out of the bed. I want you out. Well, you can't. You made the rules. Get out of my bed! I'm in your bed. Forever.

Get out. Right, so last thing is the vinyl. You said 50p on that. Now, the price was one pound. One pound on all the vinyl. I was going to haggle the cost, but it's also where i got these the eggs from and so she gave you a discount on the eggs so i kind of didn't want

to argue the point with the thing because i kind of felt like i was getting a good deal overall okay so you were again 50p out you could have been three points up at the end of all three items were more expensive than i thought yeah apart from that actually the egg cups were less expensive yeah so no let's let's let's just just rack up the information we built throughout the show. One is you're not very good at guessing off brand stuff anymore. You've lost your tip. I've lost my tip? You've lost your skill at being able to shut up.

I've lost my tip. I'll cut your tip off. Also, we found out that you're not very good at pricing things anymore. You seem to have lost that magic there. Is it about time, Eli, to admit to me and the podcast listening audience that you've lost it, mate? I have. You've lost it.

You've become a parody of what people know you for. I can't do it anymore. I can't produce the goods anymore, Paul. You are. I don't know what to say to you. I don't know. You have to come up with something.

Could I say something about shitting myself here? Would that help? Let me have a think. I think if you did a rant that involved you showing your willy

or your bottom. Right, I'm getting out of the crow's beak. Oh, oh, I'm getting out of my bottom.

I've shat on something. I'm angry. You're a dick. Something like that. Yeah, that's fine. Isn't it sad that we can now

reduce this podcast down to these moments? This is what this podcast has become. It's become a show where it's like, oh, Shat the Bed, oh, Frothy Cock, oh, Knob Gag, oh, Jimmy Savile. We should be ashamed of ourselves. We so should. I think we've reached

a point here, Paul. Have we? A point of no return. We've become, this is what happens when you get 50 episodes of anything. Yeah. You know? It's just become reductive. Recursive nonsense. Right. Is this the end of the show

for today? Do you want to touch my winky? No, I do not want to touch your winky. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. What if? Even if the house was on fire and your winky was the button To start the sprinklers Right

So you would rather Something burn I'd rather burn alive Than touch your winky To put the sprinklers on What if You were in You were drowning

Right In the water And your winky Your balls were full of oxygen My winky was full of oxygen And you could breathe on the water And rescue yourself No

You would not do it. You would not? I would die. I chode just for oxygen. I'm sitting there like a merman going blah blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Well, perhaps lick my love stick and perhaps it would destroy physically destroy your nuts to have them pumped

full of oxygen. So that would be enjoyable. I'd give it for you. You'd do that? I'd save your life. You'd destroy your whole nuts, Sam? I'd give up my nuts for you'd do that. I'd save your life. You'd destroy your whole nuts out. I'd give up my nuts for you, mate.

They're barren anyway. And that's Cheap Show, everybody. That is Cheap Show for another episode. Thank you for listening.

If you want to support our podcast, you can. You can donate anything from a dollar to a thousand million dollars by going to

patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. No matter how much you donate, we really appreciate it. Thank you. It helps keep this stupid show running.

Thank you. And there are all sorts of rewards they're different levels of giving special podcasts special podcasts exclusive content uh we were going to mention the t-shirt thing weren't we oh yeah we're thinking about doing t-shirts as a website i've yet to do research on that you give them the logo and then you get the t-shirts directly from them so theoretically they make the t-shirt send them out get the, we get a little cut of that, I think. Something like that. We might look into that and get some Cheap Show shirt logos printed.

Well said. And like most things that we do on Cheap Show, it will happen a year from now. So that's a thought. What else? Follow us on Twitter, at thecheapshowpod. Follow me, at paulgannonshow. Follow Eli at elisnoid. That's E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And this episode has its own dedicated page on our website,-N-O-I-D. And this episode

has had its own dedicated page on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Look for episode 49 and you can see pictures and videos that accompany this episode.

You'll see what we ate and listen to what we listened to. What we listened to what we listened to. Yes, because we didn't only play the short clip of the songs.

If you want to hear the whole song, go to our website. Don't shake your fucking head! I've lost my tip. I was doing a really good way to signing off then, and you had to cut in. You had to cut in with your little fucking thing.

So, thank you everybody. Is that it? Yeah. What about your big sign-off? Come on, give us one of your witty sign-offs. Well, it's funny you should say that, Paul, because I was in a restaurant the other day. Were you? I was having a tomato,

and the person I was eating with said, I've got cancer. What the fuck? What the holy shit? And I was like, that's sad. This tomato's nice. God almighty. Oh my. Right, goodbye. We'll see you in episode 50, is nice god almighty oh my

right goodbye we'll see you in episode 50 which will be our 50th special episode I don't think we should do it

we haven't earned the right to do it we've earned the right goodbye everybody I've been Paul Gannon and I'm Eli Silverman and this is Cheap Show where we are on

fleek for cheap you meant to join in just do it count it count it in we are on fleek for cheap. You meant to join in. Just do it. Count it in. We're on fleek for cheap.