CheapShow - Ep 492: Unwarranted Poetry

Episode Date: June 19, 2026

We’re back on the spinning platters trip this week, with a few more vinyl discoveries to throw your ears towards. Eli is obsessed with his first choice, a nice bit of musical poetry that folds in an infamous tongue twister into the mix. However, it becomes more apparent that what Eli actually likes best about this track, is the cover art. Yes, it appears to be a buxom lady furiously plucking a pheasant, but Eli finds deeper, more lurid images within the frame. To combat this grisly fixation, Paul decides to go full Pam Ayres and continues to drop in and out of her throughout the whole episode. Which is unfortunate. Luckily, Paul is cock-a-hoop over his own discovery… A full album of songs from the 1980s “one hit wonders” Renee & Renato! We guarantee that these little ditties will put a dumb smile on your face. For the finale this week, Paul and Eli battle it out over who knows the most about London with a board game called “Streetwise”. Warning: There may be cheating! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-492-unwarranted-poetry GET TICKETS FOR Ep 500 LIVE Cambridge Junction (J2) August 23rd @ 4pm https://www.junction.co.uk/events/cheapshow-podcast-live/ www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Shut up, mate. I've fucking said nothing. I'm just not having it from you. Oh, right. What does not having it for me entail? What should I not give you? You don't give me anything anyway? Don't I?

Don't I please you no more? Has the luster gone from this relationship? Oh, the luster. Should I seek others? We're under the luster. Do you want to see it? Do you want to see all the podcasters? You know what?

You've rubbed the luster so hard and so long for so long and so hard. The luster rubbed it that you've gone right through it. talking about cox. Let's just get that out of the way. Let's just get the cock thing out of the luster in our relationship. He's obviously talking about cocks now. That's what we really want to get out. The luster's come off and now you're into the fleshy, bloody cock, pulpy mass. No, of our relationship. Do you want to see other podcasters?

You do? Hey? Do you want to take a break? Do you want to see other podcasters? See what we're missing? Hey? Is that what you want? Are they still what?

Are they still? Is this what you want? Is that, is that, all those other podcasts? still going? All the podcast are still going. Are they? Millions. Some must have stopped. No, all of them are going. Some of those must have stopped. We stopped about 10 years ago. Did we? Yeah, I haven't been releasing him since 100.

Oh, I've been Truman showed. Yes, this has all been a big rules. You know what? I did have some thoughts. Now that we're recording the podcast. Yeah, some thoughts about the live show that I wanted to tell you. Is it some, you want to tell me off microphone? Off microphone. Yeah. Well, then thanks for bringing it up now. Now it's good. Edit point. I don't know. Did it. Did you like this? Did you like this cold open? No.

Generally? Was it good enough to go forward with it? See, I had another one planned. Do you want to go with mine? Yeah, go for it. Just go straight into it. Oh, he's not returning my messages from last week. Who?

Ash. Ever since we kicked him out, I remember you let his tyres down on his car so he couldn't even drive home. I didn't say that. I didn't do that. You did do it, though. I didn't do that. Oh, I know.

Also, he was asking for way more than his usual fee. Was he? He was asking for a fee for a start. And I said, no, you're not Nick Helm or anything. Just like I said, You were a bit harsh. You were a bit harsh with him. You're a bit harsh with him.

Well, no, I know that now. On reflection, I felt really bad, but I've been messaging him to apologise. It's been nothing. No, he's just blanked me. I think I might cross the line. But at least he's gone for good though, right? Because he was shit.

For everyone who's... He didn't bring anything to the show. I'm the last one standing. Everyone who's been associated with you, Paul. I'm running my finger across my throat, by the way. Everyone who's ever been associated you as a podcaster. No, they're not... Yeah.

They are not. No, they're all still alive. Ash is still alive, right? Just testing. They've all turned into frogs. They've all turned into goggling frogs. Anyway, so yeah, no, I've, you know, burning bridges, mate. Oh, that sucks.

No, honestly, that is just terrible. And basically, the type of thing could bite us in the ass. He's not doing the live show then. No, I've told him to fuck off. We need. I mean, I've tried to apologise, but he's not coming on to the live show now. We need stuff for the live show. Well, we've got plenty.

We got poor partner in Nick Helm. What are you having a go at him about? I was just fucking done with him. I was tired. Jesus Christ. And he was sucking up to you like he always does. Yeah, it's nice to have an ally. And that's why he had to go.

Now, with that out of the way, that unpleasantness, on pala-la-la-la-la-la-la-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-ha. It's now time for this week's edition of the Cheap Show podcast. Press the fucking credit. Storces and words and praises. Who things I'm responsible for? Jobly Boro Cheap show to

Cheap show again, Paul. Hello. Seems like I never left. It seems like we're here all the time, all the time talking about cheap things. That's what goes down here, cheap stuff. I'm excited for this week. You're weirdly excited for that one record

and I don't know why. Yeah. I don't know why. Sometimes I find stuff and go, oh, I roll the dice. And I just played a few tracks, obviously, pre-show. And I don't know.

The joy it gave me. It is funnier because we did cover a single from them, didn't we before. And it wasn't that amusing. We threatened to. I don't think we've ever actually played it. We did. We did. Either way. Either way, besides that, we'll get into it. Besides that, the album's quite a surprising delight.

Do we also have something coming up where I will shine in my knowledge of this great city of ours, Paul? Yes, because did it in a Gannon's, oh no, Paul's pleasant pastime, not strictly speaking, in a ganon's golden gangs by lieu of the rules I put down. Which no one knows and which you've never defined. And I will never share.

They are mine. They are mine. Okay. So this falls on the pastime line. Yeah. It's a pastime line. That's fine. You can shine

when we play this later in the show, right? Is that fine? Fog on the tie. It's all yours. Right. So, yeah, we got that. And then we've got some records.

And I saw someone who I was attracted to. Yeah. And I said, wouldn't mind digging in that mine. If you're going to be shit, can you be shit close to the microphone? Oh my God. Just saying.

If you're going to be shit, oh, forget it. Forget it. I have shit, I'm going to shit. I'm a shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. She's got me going. Right. You know, I would have been just in common online the other day. So basically, there's been a problem on YouTube recently where there's one problem.

There's been a myriad. Numerate problems. Numerate problems. Numerate problems. Good. It was new, very good, Paul. But one of them was, for some reason, they decided to set 200 episodes of cheap shows back to private.

I didn't do anything. It was just someone went, oh, you got 200 episodes gone. And I was like, fuck, which means going one by one through each track and then turning them back to public, right? What the fuck is there? Don't know.

Tried to get help on the online. YouTube didn't really know what was going on. I just did it manually and fucked them off. However, when someone started, so I can't remember who I apologize now, was listening to an old episode, and they went, hasn't Eli's voice changed since the first episodes? Now, I've not listened back to think,

but I do think you have made your voice more affected as we've got on in the podcast. You've led more into the Eli Silverman character as a voice. Well, maybe it's just being me more. I'm less guarded. Oh, yeah. I was thinking about it the other day. Yeah, because like for the first four years

of whatever other podcasts, you used to come. I never even met your girlfriend. It was a different girlfriend then. It was a different girlfriend then. But you used to come around to the house of pickles. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

And we never did it here. No. Because we didn't know each other so well. I think I was just... Well, we knew it for a few years before and because we did the sketch shows and the improv. Are you saying I'm shit now? It's shit now. My voice is shit now.

That's what I'm saying. Eli, that's not what I'm saying. My gut is dead. That's not what I'm saying. It's blown out, as they said on the stream the other night. Blown out Kachunk, something like that was... Like a blown out chunky tire. Kachung, Kachung.

Eli, this is not what I'm saying now. It's what I've always said for 11 years, all right? So at least that's consistent. Your voice hasn't changed then. I don't know. You're right. When I start recording, I put on my... You're doing the podcast voice.

But even when I do, when I've done bits and bobs on radio, that's also a slightly different voice. Yes. I like, I'm a performer at Hartpool. And I like to... And I also am a performerer. I like to give people a clear voice. Like, I'm doing this.

I want to put some effort in. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want to just mumble. Performative. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a performative person.

That's why I've got the characters. That's why we've got all the characters and so forth and the little bits of fake intrigue. Yeah. It's all about that with me. It's all about that. Ask me to do something with my voice. I'm happy to give it a go.

Good. Accents, weak point. Very weak. Very weak on accents. Silly voices, better on silly voices. Yeah. You're more much more than nonsense. Gruff cockneys.

Yeah, you can do that, can't you? Yeah. Yeah. And tiny boys. Oh. Mr. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. You know, you're good at tiny boys, are you? Excuse me, sir? Yeah. Oh, we haven't seen him for a while have we, sir. Do you want to do one? I know, I like you. Let's set this up there, so it's fair.

I tell you what, we've got this package. How about the Urchin Boy brings it in? That's the settle-blight. He'd love that because he doesn't have a home. Let's do it now. All right, here we go. Urchin boy. I'll tell you what.

Eli, I tell you what, we've got a little package to open before we get into the episode. So let's call in the Urchin Boy, who's been living in my fireplace. He'd love that. Yeah, hang on. Come down, scuttle down, mate. Oh, yeah.

You've made a bit of scept there, though. Oh, I will surely clean that up. When you go back up? Mr. Yes, I will, Mr. No. How are things up the fireplace? It's very cold. Yeah. We have no bit hot lately.

It's been hot. Yeah, but it's cold up there. I don't know. There's some kind of... Well, you get a windy passage through there, don't you? Yeah, very droughty. Yeah. And I'm going through all my matches.

We're supposed to be selling them on the street, Mr. Yeah, you can't, if you're burning. I'm using him to warm me ass up there, down it up. Anyway, how have you been? I've been well, it's been nice to see. I thought you're in the content house. No, that's my package to open. Oh, I was going to open it.

Why did you hand it to me? To hand it to me, because you're in character. I've got a Stanley knife. Of course. Thank you, Urchin boy. No, your fucking place. Is it for me, though? Just asking, no, nothing ever was.

No. Nothing ever was. No. So I know I'm fine, but I thought you were in the content house. Oh, I was. Yeah, I was, but, uh, well, there was a, there was talk of a union. Oh, Brandoff won't like that. I tried to do a union and then Brandoff, uh, he cancelled my content room.

Oh. It was like a, like, a review show of, like, different matches, paper clips. Swan are your favourite, aren't they? Oh, very good brand. Yeah, very good brand, Swan. I love to sell, I love to sell a box of Swan. You always feel like you've done, done right by the customer then. All right, well, how about you fuck off up my fireplace?

Oh, go back out of the chie. Thank you, Mr. There you go. There you go. That was nice. It's nice to see him. Yeah, he's not doing very well, is he? No, he's living up there.

And every now they're here in rustling and giggling, weirdly. I don't know what he's watching. Anyway, this is the package we got actually today. And I think I know what it is, but I want you to be here to open it. Well, to help me open. You do the knife thing and let me open the actual box, please. All right, yeah, fine. He's doing some knife work with the Stanley.

Yeah, here we go. Nice bit of knife work. It's been, that's that real strong tape they've used. Let me just make sure. You know, that fibrous tape, that real strong stuff. Yeah, good tape that. But you do need a Stanley knife. It's a bit overkill. I think it's a bit overkill.

Oh, I know why. Because it's a, there's a letter on top. There's some bubble wrap and also just some brown paper. Right. Oh, there's also. Oh, what is it? I literally don't know what it is. I'm guessing.

There's something in here which I'll just be just, is it a flesh light. It's putting straight in. Oh, what is it? This is. Come on, lad. Come on. This is the Daily Sport adult cards.

I can't actually, in all consciousness. So the Daily Sport was a newspaper. It's so horrid. But the Daily Sport, just for people listening to who might not know. The Daily Sport is a newspaper, a horrible rag, that mixed lurid politics with a female exploitation for builders. Think of the sun, but a lot worse. Yeah, if that's possible.

If that is possible. Fucking crazy. Or rather what the sun witches it could have been. It's just horrid. Anyway, I will say this, because it is the Sunday sport. nothing's too graphic. It's just tits and tits and tits and tits and tits. More tits, tits, tits.

Tits. It's just tits. It's a bit of ass. There's a tit there. No fanny tits. Just tits. Tits. Mostly blonde.

Blond tits, blonde tits, blonde tits, blonde tits, blonde tits, blon tits, brunette, brunette. Oh, at least there's one brunette. Blonde tits. Are these all white women as well? Yeah. Okay. I don't think there's one. I'm not into it.

No, but there you go. No, I mean... Well, that's the Apertief out the way. What's the main thing? Thank you, whoever that was. I mean, there is a letter, but I'll let you discover it first. I just didn't know there's going to be that in it. This is, looks like a more delicate item.

Yeah. In bubble wrap, Mickey Bubbles wrap. Mickey Bubbles... Oh, it's... Oh, what is it? You were right. I bet you knew. Yeah, it is one of it. Yeah, cool.

You can see, can't you? I'm very excited about this. This is a bully from Bullseye, which was the medal. Is this an actual one? No. It's a 3D. printed one as far as I know. A replica? Yeah.

Were they actually metal the actual... I think they were brass. Yeah. Yeah. This has got a brass finish. Yeah. There it is. So yeah, Bournemouth was a game show in the UK.

Dart based general knowledge game. And if you did well, you got... Well, if you didn't do well, if you... Well, anyone who was on the show would get one of these, wouldn't they? They would get a brass bully. Or was it? No. Maybe I'm wrong.

Everyone got a bully. No. Wasn't the bully for the charity throw? Yeah, I don't remember. Anyway, this was a prize. And it's been 3D printed for us. And look, hang on, there's a letter of which I will read now. Paul and Eli, here is bully number two.

The reason why it's bully number two is because he said bully number one and it never got here. It disappeared in the post somewhere. Yeah. I remember. I'm having that fucking problem a lot of the moment with like... Well, you know, it's the inshification of the whole world, Paul. Anyway, we don't talk about that. No, but we're here to give you joy.

We're talking about joy. So let's get... Joy. Lift it, lift it up. Lift it up. I want more... Higher. Higher.

Do you want the higher mood? Higher? I want cheerfulness coming off for your reading, please. Paul and Eere, here's bully number two. That's not cheerful. You do it. I'll do it. Okay, let me cheery reading there.

You didn't even say it properly. I'll read it now. Here we go. Right. That's not cheery. Ready? Paul and Eli, here is bully number two. As I only have six more weeks to live,

I thought it would be appropriate to send it now. He's a joke. He's done a joke. I hope whoever has the first one is happy with themselves, yeah, bastards. I hope you enjoy him. Just a little thank you for all the spit takes. I've enjoyed it. endured listening to your constant stream of spoff jokes.

I hope my grammar has met Eli's exacting standards, even if my handwriting is shite. It's actually not too bad. So far. So far, no issues. Yeah, so far. Hugs and Chodney's Craig. A borough, borrow off, chodney to you,

however, there is something truly horrible in here for Eli's collection. I'm so sorry. It should not exist, but hey, one less item on the landfill. I was given them many years ago, and I'm glad to get rid of them. Feel free to burn them if required. They really are horrendous.

And, you know, we've had, like, proper porn. Much more, no, much more disgusting stuff. But in a way, that's kind of more honest, because it's not associated with a newspaper. No, I don't know. It's just porn for the sake of being porn. This is like, get your news and also, you know what I mean? Yeah, but this just cuts out the middleman, isn't it?

This just cuts out, you know, the newspaper is a thinly veiled way of delivering women. Yeah, so that's why, like, an actual porn mag with full hardcore penetration in it, is more honest. You're buying what you get. You don't like... No, yeah, but you can argue there's more exploitation there.

You don't know the origin of these photographs. I think this is more exploitative. Yeah, but I mean, that is disgusting. Yeah, I definitely agree. I'm not disagreeing on that. But what I'm saying is softcore is probably on the... It's probably on the softer, safer side of the moral argument when it comes to pornography.

Possibly. I don't know. I don't know anything about how exploitative different forms of porn. And you don't know the origin of those photographs on those cards. No, you're right. You're right. You're right. But do you know what I mean about the horrible grubbiness of the tablo

version of softcore, you know what I mean? But in this country, especially in the UK, you can get away with sex and nudity if there's a cheeky wink with it. Well, it used to be the case. I don't think that's the case anymore. Well, no, because it's following that the American softcore model these days,

if you ask me. Which is, I don't... But I prefer that back in the day when you used to get an 80s electric blue video from the back of your dad's van or your mate's dad's van because you used to have a travelling VH... Did your dad used to have a travelling van

with the VHS is in? And underneath the light, you know, the blockbusters or all the blue Louise. So when he parked up, me and my mate would grab one of them and watch electric blue. Really? And it was always the same. It was like, just tits. It's always like, tits and long air. All right, dear darling. Can I see you fanny? Oh, pop the... Oh, no. They were like actually popping out there.

Yeah, no, it was all hardcore stuff and penetration. But it was all grubby because it was like, all right dear darling. You pop the pink, not the brown. Is no right? It's like, oh, God. Don't talk. Just fuck. Did you actually get VHS porn out of your dad's mate's van? Yeah. My mate's dad's van. Mate's dad. Yeah. Of course, that makes sense, yeah.

It did nothing to do with your dad. No. No. My dad used to just film it. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know where the truth is with you. Yeah, sub-diffusion levels. I don't know.

You've never, I may, I don't know whether to believe that, everyone. I don't know about you, Paul. You never know. It's that whole thing with being farted on. Well, you like that, though, you said. Anyway, that's it. Be fart. I mean.

A bully. Hey, I've got a bully. Can I just make one point about the bully? Yeah, I love it. Cover the horns. is giving crazy hippo Doesn't it give hippo So hard

If the horns are gone I guess a little But he's giving me hippo He's giving me hard hippo I'm getting He's giving me Well he's giving me the horn And I like it

I've got a horn I've got an hippo He's got on I've got an I've got an I've got an Give it a little minute And I'll put it in the lawn

I've got ardypo And he's a very nice I've got Ardipo And the horn is all right What the fuck you actually saying. You're just bellowing vowels out to the

fucking new the world. I wouldn't call that a bellow Paul. No one would. Yeah. Do you want me to

have your mucky cards back your fucking pervert? Don't throw them at me. That's a bellow. I've got to move on. You do what you're like.

I'm going to end and then move on. I'll finish. Oh! Oh, fuck off. Right, it's time for I've got to stop saying

right. I notice this one I fucking out. At least you don't say, oh dear. or see you in a bit as much anymore or all the other little verbal tics and cliche fragments that your mind spews out

like junk down the sewer pipe of the brain oh de slippity sloppany oh dear right here we go oh dear stop touching the mic oh slippity sloppity it is time for silverman's platter that's right everybody and that's where we talk about

records I love a record me I've got records around me oh look at records Think about just being a normal human being for a bit, please. I cannot. Just say a sentence. I cannot. Say a sentence without weird intonation or verbal digression.

I cannot. Just say what your segment is. I shan't. Without turning it into a cheese roll of a fucking event. Silverman's platters, everybody. Come on. You can do it. Stop.

Why? I don't know why it's it so hard for you these days. It's always been hard for me. No, it's not. I know that's not fucking true. It's always been hard Right, sorry I got distracted again

Okay I can't do this I honestly I told you I wouldn't take it from you Right And yet I have to take it from you Every single week

Now just say a normal sentence Please That explains what this segment is Clearly for potential new listeners Who aren't particularly frightened off by now maybe Well they would be Because you always get into our own dress That's just the new ones.

Yeah, new listeners, you said. All right, we'll get your clothes off then if you're listening. Oh, God. Who's listening for the first time today? Oh, God. I've still been butting a few things. Oh, my God, he's doing it again. I wish I hadn't brought that up now.

Right. Hello, everyone, including new listeners. Such a fatty and cock. Silverman's Platters is where we listen to and review unusual vinyl records. Phonograph discs, everybody. Ideally, found in charity shops and whatnot. And we have an LP and a single today.

We do. That's right. Start with the single. Now, long-time listeners of the show, Paul, may have picked up on my fondness for a certain tongue-twisting epithet. And it's not an epithet, I just put that in for some no reason. Just a tongue twister. It's a tongue twister.

Apparently, this tongue twister goes back to at least the musical days. Right. In Britain. Early 1900s, 1920s, 30s, etc. So at least then, I think, it goes back. And it is, of course, the pheasant plugger. Do you want me to say it as I hear it? So when did the original tongue twister

come out then? They don't know. Right. But it goes back to at least 100 years or so. Because it's more, it's obviously more like a joke than a tongue twister

because of the pitfalls of saying it wrong. Which is a, an actual, it's a method. It's a poetic method where you, it's like duck and fuck. It's where you, that thing where you swap the,

you know, Ronnie Barker was always doing things. Oh yeah, no, spoonerisms and things. It's not right. It's got, I'm going to look it up, okay, you can always. No, there's a malpropism.

No, it's not. But there's similar things. They're doing the same job sometimes, right? Metathesis, swapping consonant sounds. Okay. Now that was new to me as well, so there you go. Metathesis. Yeah.

Okay. I like that. Good word. Nice sounding word. But it's also still malpropisms and spoonerisms. It's all part of the same kind of comedy DNA. Yes, absolutely. But that is metathesis, and I think that's more like more generally referring to poetry more generally.

I never met a thesis I didn't like. No. Woohee, ha-ho. That's because you're a crank scientist. Crank scientist. Never met a thesis he didn't like. Why? Because a thesis in a thesis to something the scientists would write.

Oh, you mean like a quack doctor? Like a crank scientist? Yes. Quack, crank. Kind of hard to say, isn't it? Do you try to say it? Say crack, quack, quack. Yeah, it's hard, isn't it?

No, quack, quack. Quack, quack. And I'll say it either way. Crank quack. Crank quack. Crank quack. Crank quack. I can't do.

Oh, it's very. Crank quack. But the AI overview, which obviously is not means. 100% trustworthy. He actually says originated in the UK early. 1970s as a music hall pub novel. That's not true. It must be earlier than that because

pheasant plucker is a real job, but it's a job that you'd have on an estate, a country estate, of course. So that must go back, you know, into the aristocratic era. Well, yeah, Edwardian further back than that, you could imagine it was a nice kind of medieval kind of fucking job.

Anyway, I don't know science. The tongue twister that I knew, or history, that I knew growing up, was as follows, if you allow me. Yeah, go for it, here we go. I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son and I won't stop plucking

until the pheasant plucking's done. Yeah, that's the one, isn't it? Of course, if you get the vowel, the consonant sounds the wrong ray round. Yeah, then you're just saying, I'm a pleasant fucker. I'm a pleasant fucker. I'm a pleasant fucker.

I'm a pleasant fucker's son and I won't stop fucking peasants. Peasants. Until the peasant fucking's done. Yeah. I don't know why it turns from peasant to, yeah, it does, doesn't it. It's funny.

Plut. No, because it's the consonant sound being so. Plosive. Plosive. That's a good one, is it. Plosive. Metathesis plosive quack crank I don't know

Right All these words But this is a record That I only just discovered Existed the other day So I know that Yeah The other one that we used to do

Of course is one smart He smelt fellow He felt smart One smart fellow he smelt fart Ha ha ha ha ha No, you go up to two Then three Yeah

So go on One smelt fella smelt fell Felt Fart So what? I forgot it already That's what it was One smart fellow He felt smart

Yeah That's the same thing fellow, he smelt fart. Yes, there you go, he said it. I just want to say fart. It's funny and easier. That's the other thing as well. You have to work your mouth to say it

because the lazy way makes you fall into the trap. That's right. Yeah. Because your brain goes, I would like to hear some other examples of them. Well, there's she sells seashells on the seashore. That's the right. That's right. There's that one.

And then there's new one about wood. I don't know what. How much wood could have wood chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck, how much wood could a wood chuck, chuck, Chuck, if it would Chuck, could Chuck would. And Peter Parker picked a peck.

Pido Parker. What'd you say? Pido Parker. Peter Parker picked a peck of pickled peppers. Yes, there's that one. There's quite a few of them when you think about it. They're tongue twisted. But I don't know if that's metathesis specifically. Because this is, I think metathesis is where if you do get it the wrong way around, it forms two other words that are dirty.

Do you see what I mean? Yes. So smart fellow, definitely, pheasant plucker, definitely, but I'm not sure about seashells. It's playing around with that. Anyway, I'd like to hear some more examples. of dirty ones where you say, you know, you end up saying FAA! I'd like to hear a cunt one.

That would be the ultimate metathesis dirty rhyme for me. Now, this is the song on BBC Records, and I only discovered it the other day, and it is called The Fesant Pluckers song. And the artist, the Borrow, Borough, Borough, Barrow, Arrow.

You just carry on. Sparrow. When you're done, I'll introduce the clip. The Barrow poets. And it utilizes in a story form with different voices, female voices, male voices, the people who work in a man a house, a man at house kitchen or whatever.

Yeah. You're going to play some now. Play some of it. Paul's looking off into the distance. I'm going on. I'm thinking. He's getting a pun ready. And go on. He's got me. What? What? If you buntz,

don't know. I'm trying to think of something. I got me. What? I don't know. I'm trying to think of something. I panicked. Paul? Yeah, I'll put it on. Play some of it. Here we go. This is...

Oh no, who really I'm introduced it? It's the Barrow poet doing the pheasant plucker's song. The usman is a keeper. He's a very busy man. I try to understand him and I help him all I can.

But sometimes of an evening I feel a trifle dim. All alone I'm plucking peasants when I'd rather pluck with him. I'm not a pheasant plucker. I'm a pheasant plucker's mate. I'm on a fessn plucker. Keep looking pheasants cause a peasant blocers lady

Not a pheasant blocers and a pheasant booker For a parson booker Larker is a parson I'm not good at plucking pheasants Pessent plucking I get stuck Though some peasants find it pleasant I'd much rather pluck a duck Oh but plucking geese is gorgeous

I can pluck a goose with ease But pheasant plucking's torture Because they haven't any grease I'm not the pheasant plucker He has gone out on the tiles He only plucked one pheascent pluckers And I'm sitting here with piles Now, the first thing that caught my eye, this seven-inch single

has an illustrated picture on the cover. And it is a young buxom, it has to be said, lady, blonde. Hey, do you know what it says is the actual official hardest tongue twister as of 2018? Pad kid, poured curd, poured cord. Pad kid, pulled, what? Pad kid, poured, as in glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, PAD kid, poured. Pardt kid, poured curd, pulled cod. Palled cod.

Yeah. Palled, as in Palled, cod. Pad kid. Pad kid, poured, curd, pulled, cod has been dubbed the English language hardest tongue to say. Not half of those words aren't fucking right. It doesn't even make sense as a sentence, though. Yeah. That's not very good. So, this lady is she is plucking a pheasant.

She's the pheasant plucker. Or maybe she's not. Maybe she's the pleasant fucker's wife. Well, she won't stop plucking pheasant. Until the pheasant plucking's done. And what struck me is the artist, she's holding this pheasant, as you would do, between her spread legs, Paul,

and she's half plucked the pheasant. The pheasant's still alive. You don't pluck pheasants when they're still alive. You do? Do you? Yeah. That's cruel as fuck. Yeah. Do you do?

Yeah. No, you don't. You do? You don't. Stop looking at your phone, please. Hang on. I was trying to look for rude. I'm stuck in a loop now,

looking for like a tongue twister with the word cunter. There isn't one. And there was stupid, cupid stunts. That's right. That's a metithesis. Yes, there you go. Good, you found it. But that's also a spuderism.

Yes. Yeah. But it's not much of a tongue twister. It's not a tongue twister. You're not accidentally going to say Cupid stunts. If you put Cupid stunt into a tongue twister, then you might get confused. Paul, can we drop it for now? Because we can come back to it.

I'm sure the listeners will have something to say. Plucking alive? No, you don't. Of course you don't. You ring their neck. It looks like you might be asking about dry plucking, it says. If you're preparing a game bird, dry plucking is the best way to keep the skin intact for roasting. Not while they're alive.

No, Paul. A clean station and a heavy bag to catch the feathers. Pored the tail in the wings, gently plucking the large feathers. This is ridiculous. They're not, you don't pluck birds when they're alive. We don't need to look this up. Do you? It's not going to like this.

Pluck pheasants alive. No. You're algorithm. No, not alone. I don't want to know about it if you're alone. Do you plug pheasants alive? No. No, pheasants are never plucked while alive.

Thank you. The birds must be humanely disbally. and completely dead before cooking or processing begins. Thank you so. That's the end of that. What's dry plucking is when you pull a small number of feathers at a time in the direction they grow to avoid tearing the pheasant's delicate skin. And wet plucking is you can dip or skull the dead bird in hot water

for about 50 to 60 seconds, which loosens the feathers and makes them slip out faster. Some cooks choose to de-glove or skin the pheasant instead of plucking, which takes it all off in one go. Well, there you go. We've all earned something today. I mean, it's something you should have realised intuitively. But anyway. Well, I'm not the pleasant fucker, have I?

I'm a fucking pleasant son. Now, Paul, can I talk about now? I forgot your attention. Shut up. What happened to you? Why did you get so distrusted? I was trying to look at the naughty poem of tongue twister for the word cuns. That was all.

I was doing my due diligence. On the cover, illustrated in quite a lurid, clear way, this is a buxom pheasant plucker. A wench. Who has, what is, in this depiction, unrealistic depiction, alive. A mystic depiction alive. There's a bunch of plucked pheasants behind who are looking over.

They look fucked off. They were already half plucked, apart from their heads. And she has plucked this half, its abdomen, lower abdomen. It's curving toward her crotch. I mean, they can be... You keep saying this. No, it can be... It cannot be denied. This is more about you...

It's curving to water crotch. Pickers on our website. You can... And on Instagram, you'll see this for yourself. It looks like there's a huge girthy cock going into her trash. I disagree. Anyway, Paul, let's do a little scenario here. Yeah.

You've come. You are going to put this record out. Oh, hello. Hello, I'm going to put this record on. And you need an illustrator. Right. Hello. You come to the illustrator's office and...

Excuse me, sir. And you're going to... Well, let me do it then. Stop talking over me all the time, you're con. You're going to brief. Let me do it, yeah. Just saying. Hey, I've written this song with my fellow Barrow poet.

We haven't even gotten to that yet. You're fucking obsessed with this lady's big girthy cock. Can you just come in again as a... Do it properly like a scene. Like, I'm in an illustrator's office, please. Come in. I'm one of the barrow poet who did a... song recently.

Yes, you phoned earlier, yeah. Yeah, we've recently been on the radio on BBC radio with our song, the pheasant plucker's song. So you're looking for, uh, it's like a record cover, is it? Yeah, we'd like that. I could do that, yeah. It's been quite a success. We'd like there to be a cheeky cover on the front of it.

So it's a little bit cheeky. I'll tell you what, we've got just the artist for you. He do? Yeah, he's in the next room. Wait, go get him out of them for me. Come meet him. All right, here we go. Come through here.

It's in our comedy, uh, uh, our comedy illustration. Oh, he's, He's focused on that, is he? We call him a dirty Johnny. Dirty Johnny, right? It's the best you could come up with, okay. Hello. Hello there.

Right, so what's this drawing all about? Right, I want you to draw me like a woman, plucking a pheasant. You know in that kind of seaside British photograph? Like a dirty postcard. No, no, not dirty, just cheeky. Not cheeky postcard, right. What I'm having as an initial thought is,

she's got this fucking bird between her legs, right? And it's half-plucked so it looks like a fucking girthy great big cock. She's shoving it, right, suggestively. And it looks like she's taking a huge load of cock meat right into her, and it's undeniable. Now is she spread eagle, hold on this. She is, and she's bucks them as fuck. Right. Oh, excuse me.

Is that right? Is that right? When can you get it done by it? And it's going to be a lot of fucking other half-plucked about a live pheasants, all looking over their shoulder, thinking, oh, I wish she'd show. my cock like abdomen right up with a juicy snatch. All right, mate. All right.

Okay. All right. Disgusting. Right, I'll see you in three weeks. Lovely. And on the other side of the record... Wait, no, stop. Stop.

You said the... Oh, we haven't said, yeah. So, this is performed by a group called the Barrow Poets. The Barrow Poet were a collection of poets and folk musicians. Formed in England in the 1950s. Wow. Their name comes from the practice of selling things from a barrow. So, yes, obviously they were just barrow poets as if selling their words, as if they were selling veg.

It featured Jim Parker, Gerald Benson, William Beardley Wright, Christine Schotton, etc, etc. They released seven folk and spoken word albums on the Argo Records label from 63 to 81. You see those in charity shops. Sold mostly at their own gigs. You see those clogging up charity shop crates. Yeah, you do for sure. The group performed everything from Shakespeare to Milton to Limericks to risque ballads. They went from the backrooms of pub to the BBC's late night lineup.

And long story short, this was released as a single off the success of their broadcast on it on. It was broadcast on the Philip Jones Brass Ensemble, ensemble, who were just a brass band. But they didn't have a regular show, it seems like. No, it seemed like every now and then they do a special and invite some guests on. And this recording came from that. So it was their special from, they have the very date. 19, what, 80. February 2nd, 1980.

Yeah. And then this became a small hit. It was an Australian top 10. I think the B-side, the Ballad of Barking Creek. Yeah. I can see how that might appeal to Australians, because they very much come from Cockneys, the Australians, the white Australians.

And all the problems that it brings along with it. Do you know what I mean, though? Yeah. And they say, and people like Americans, have a lot of trouble distinguishing, especially London accent, Cockney activists from Australian. You know, that confusion they have.

They often think that if you have a cockney, that you're Australian or vice versa. For which part of Australia are you from? Yes, they say that a lot to you. Or if they know, I'm from near Liverpool, they just instantly go, so do you know the Beatles? Do you know the Beatles? Yeah, I personally, yeah.

I go around there, yeah. Used to fucking make him lemon curd toast. Lemon curd toast. Yeah. That's what my grandmother. You still like lemon curd on toast. I like lemon curd on toast. Oh, right.

I've gone off it as I go older. I used to love it as a kid, but these days, I don't give you the hibbly jibis. What do you mean? No, it's just weird, gross, weird, gross thing. It's very sweet. Yeah. Fruity lard.

It's kind of fruity large, yeah. So I can see how that might appeal to the Australian. The Australians are quite into that bawdy stuff as well, aren't they? Yeah, sort of very much. I'm sure we've covered it in the past, but there was like a few Australian bawdy singer-comedians folk kind of thing. I think their comedy folk scene kind of. You can see how it would get into this.

But I would really like to know what our listeners think of this. It's a filthy cover. It's a filthy cover. You're more interested in the cover than the actual track, which I like, because it's got that. folk poet thing. Oh, yes. No, in terms of, should we talk about the quality

of the actual recording and song? Yeah, I think it's funny and well written. Yes. For what it is. And see, it has the writing credits here, Herbert, Bill Be Right, Benson Parker. Those are the names of those people. It's written by then.

Yeah. What I like about it as well is that you're listening to it from the early 80s on Radio 4, I'm imagining maybe Radio 2. It's Radio 4. Okay, Radio 4. And because of the nature of the song and the things we said before were you could accidentally

slip up and say fuck on live radio, right? Yeah. So there's this kind of weird discussion between the performers and the audience about how close to the line they get with the UN. That's the humour of it. It's delightful in that British Radio 4 way.

It's like, I can't believe it. They might say, fuck. It's very professionally done, very well performed. Yeah. It's quite a nice thing, really, I'd say. It's a lovely bit of folk pop ephemera. Yes. Weirdly.

But it's like the same era as like the Barron Knights and fucking Pam Ayers. I was going to say, The Barronites did a similar, similar stuff, didn't they? More spoofy. They'd spoof styles and genres more. Yeah. Okay.

But that's why I'd get confused. But I would definitely, having seen this, if I did see something by the Barrow poets, an LP, I'd definitely pick it up in the wild. They say I am a strumpet. Hold on, let me get this right, because I want to do a Pamirs thing, right? Okay.

They say I am a strumpet that I've reached my sexual peak. And that my knickers are like London Bridge and that they're down eight times a week. and sometimes I get frisky with the milkman round the back but the butcher knows how to deal with me he's got chops in his hand he hack I don't know whatever

That was pretty good Off the cuff That was pretty good I like the London Bridge going down On me yeah Some people call me rude Some people call me flighty Some people call me strumpet

Because my knickers are up and down Like a bride's knight Yeah but then it's sort of like No it wasn't He's doing his fingers so much I'm doing my glasses They're tilting off The bride's nighty

Her knickers You know, it's like two pieces of clothing. They're too close metaphorically. Do you see what I mean? Auntie Mary had a canary up the leg of her drawers. When Auntie farted down, it darted like a raised horse. That is not something you just came up with. No, that's one I used to, but I remember from where I was a kid.

We can tell the difference. Now, did I like that track you asked? Yes, that one about pleasant pluckers? Well, I'll tell you I liked every single one, those talented motherfuckers. Yes. It was really good. That's definitely a platter for me, Paul. I've had many opinions over the years.

In fact, I'd like them to skis. scatter. But if this was a track I had to pick, I would call it, of course, a platter. Thank you very much. Thank you. That's off-the-cuff poetry by me, Paul Gannon. Would Eli like to do some off-the-cuff poetry? Sure. Go for it. You're going to give me a subject? Yeah. Eggs. Eggs. Right. Next track.

No. No, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'm good. I want to be good at something. Please do. You've got all the time of the world. Eggs. Sunday. Door closes. kids are packed off scrambled could say that

nothing on telly when you're going to do your poem that was a poem oh I thought you were talking about it was free poems that's how real it was Paul see I don't just I don't rely on doing an impression

of a long dead lightweight comic poet from the north I like eggs I bloody do they call me an egg hussy in fact I tell you right now I can get eight of them up my pussy thank you very much

Give me another subject I'll do it as Pamirs if that's what you want It's Pamirs Stop touching the mic Here's Pamirs right I want you to do Pamirs And I want you to do a song About making a cup of tea

A poem about tea Oh I went into the kitchen Another day to make a cup of tea And I found it Husband had it filled the kettle with wee I poured it on my fucking tits And slamming it off Slavid it all round

And then the milk was You just do it. You just do it E-Ly right now. The milk will come and give me a great big pound. Hey! That's great. Oh, the milkmen are coming out. Oh, the town they call me hussies.

They say them like a cup of tea in that the local men come round and dump their bags in me. Thank you very much. That's good. Thank you. And now on to our next track in the platters. It's not.

a song so much as a whole LP that we've got next. This, you know what? I saw it at a charity shop and when I first saw it, I was like, I'm absolutely not interested because I've already got the single. Now, in the past, on the show... I think we have covered the single on this very segment. I'm going to believe you, because I don't think we have, because I think I've been sitting on it for a while

because I'm a kind of fan of it. Oh no, I'm getting confused because Myelard did a video about them, didn't they? Did he? And then we mentioned them on a show. I'm not sure if we did. But I have bought the single thinking it was the boogie funk pop boogie funk duo um oh captain and chaniel no well that's what it's kind of like many respects it's like captain and tinnil but there's oh they're called rene and renata no that's rennardtah and ranata

yeah they're called like rene and something and it's very it's close but they do some great buggy funk pop tracks right including uh midnight rendezvous probably their best one because peters and lee it's like it's part of a genre of man woman share bono yes you know it's like kind of set up isn't it yeah it's what's it's it a what's it tineel captain in tineal So heterosexual couple duo? Yeah. What do you call it when there's one of each gender? Well, I don't know.

Do you see what I mean? Yeah, I don't think it matters. I'm just talking about that, the relationship. Well, they're not, it's not Sam and Dave, because they're both bros. No, no. But the carpenters count, I guess. Or the Nolan sisters, because they're all their brother and sisters. No, but there's more than two.

I'm talking about like double two. Just a duo. Yeah. The carpenters, I don't know if it has an actual, yeah, the carpenters. Yeah. Didn't they have people playing guitars and stuff in the carpenters? No, they weren't a band. It was just those two.

Yeah, weird. famously called Save Your Love for Me. It is an overwhelmingly cheesy, over-sung ballad that builds on itself and goes up in key every single verse. And it's kind of like a spoof of the Italian romantic kind of operetta. And then the album came off the back of that being a surprise hit, isn't that right? Tell me the story again. Well, here's the thing. I didn't know there was an album at all.

I thought, oh, they released a song. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I got to number one. They had nothing left in the tank. They were forgotten about after a few appearances on Paul Daniel's Magic Show or whatever. I thought that was its history. So when I saw this, I was like, I was like. like, huh, I didn't know this was a thing that existed.

And I was looking through the track listing going, I bet it's just full of fucking awful ballads. And it is, half of it is ballads. But then I saw a track on it called I'm a going to Brighton. And then I saw another one called Another Cup of Charlie. And then finally, a little bit of me. And I was like, yeah, I'm buying this then. I want to know what these sound like.

Are we going to have little excerpts of all three of those things? Let's take what. Let's start off with one and then we'll scatter them through. So this is the first one called, I'm a going to Brighton. And if this doesn't put a fucking smile on your face, then I don't know what will. But I want to hear the history of them.

Well, do we come back? Okay. This is them going, they're going to Brighton. They're going to Brighton, everybody. I bet you're rich. Come to Italy for a heart. The bridge of sign. That's okay.

But I, am going somewhere special. I'm going to Brighton. I'm a going to stay. I'm a going to Brighton for. The holiday. It's fun. It is fun.

fun. It's cheeky. The way that, who is Renee, René's the lady. He doesn't know. I think so. No. Norene's the lady. Renato. No, that's the blois. No, no. René's the lady. Renato is the blow. Okay, sorry, good. Renée's the lady. Okay, so when she starts singing, it's very much that sort of very professional, meet Atlantic accent, slightly American. Well, you know what it is. It's like... It's Butland Redcoat singing. It's that kind of thing, you know, like theatre, not the

Broadway theatre, you know, the kind of... But would you agree that it's slightly mid-Atlantic, the accent slightly, yes? Because that's how you sell it. But to be fair, they lean into the Britishness of these. Well, Brighton obviously is a big, again, we're back to the naughty postcard, the seaside town. Yeah, aren't we? Yeah, and with this, she's leaning into being British and he's leaning into the Italian part. The problem is, he's not Italian.

Well, okay, he's not that Italian. So, he's born in the West Midlands. He is Italian. Renato Pagliari. And he additioned, this is according to Wikipedia. Again, if you say there's a Stuart Millard video on it, tell me where it is, because that's worth watching. But yeah, he auditioned for new faces in 75

and caught the attention of a song called Johnny Edwards, who had just written the song, Save Your Love. Okay. Save your love, my darling. Save your love. You can see why his style of... Operetta. It's operatic belting.

And I'm presuming he went on new faces and did opera-type stuff. Yeah. So he teamed Edward up with a British singer called Hilary Lester, and the duo were renamed René and Renato. Okay. They recorded the song,

of your love. It became a huge hit in 1982. It was like, there was a Christmas number one. Yeah, it's big. That's why I keep finding it in charity shops. I didn't know it was number one. It's everywhere. It's literally, I'd give you, I'd give you odds on random box of sevens from a charity shop anywhere in London, anywhere in the UK. I'll give you odds for that one. Yeah, no, or you'll find, or you'll find, what is that fucking Barbara Streisand one

that she does with Chris. Now you talk about LPs. But Chris Christopherson, that one. That's an LP. Yeah, but that's nearly every charity shop I've ever been to. I agree, totally, but I'm talking about seven inches. Yeah. There's a whole different world when you're into the sevens, because most of them don't have picture covers, like that Chris Christopherson and Streisand one.

Anyway, so they peaked it number three in Australia in 83, the same song. By that stage, Lester fucked off and joined another group at that point, because she's only high to do the album, I guess, or sing that one song, sorry. So after the songs were here, she probably was like, oh, there's a job in another band elsewhere. She's obviously a jobbing entertainer. She returned to a private life after the fame died down, but Renato still sang mainly on cruise ships

and occasionally at his son's restaurant in Tamsworth, Staffordshire. He later appeared on a guest show, a guest spot on the TV show Little and Large, of course he fucking did. And this is where it all kind of ties together. He was rumoured to have been the singer for the Wall's Ice Cream jingle,

Just One Cornetto. No, he wasn't. Well, that's contested. His son says that's not true. I don't think it's him. He also issued several albums. He was a fan of Aston Villa. He was asked by the manager of Aston Villa,

the 90s to sing Nessendorma at the half-time game following a particularly poor performance of the team. On completion of the performance, Atkinson told the player, now that's passion, go and show me that in the second half. When Atkinson appeared on the Rout TV show 101, Ackinson claimed that only Luciano Pavarotti could sing Nessendorma better. I mean, it's a tricky technically, even for... I'll tell you how the team did in the second half.

It's like that fate... I've said this on this podcast before, but there's an apocry story about Little and Large going to see a football team. And whatever it was, it was Eddie Large, his favourite team. And during the half time point, they weren't doing well, his home team. So he went into the dressing room. He asked if he could go in

and give an inspiring speech. And then they lost 3-0 or whatever in the next half. Anyway, she must have just recorded this album and fucked off because he apparently released three more albums after this. Only you wanting you. Does it mention, you haven't mentioned the album there from the Wikipedia. They just did it off the success of the single. There's honestly nothing about this album.

And does this, it's called Just One. And we should mention the copy that you've got is signed by both of them. You know what? between this and the Roy J album, which is also signed. Oh, lovely. You know what I mean? I've got signed hornology, basically. Nice, nice thing.

So this has got like a mix of like shit ballads, I'll be honest. And then quirky songs like, I think we should do, what do you want to do? A little bit of me or do you want to do another cup of Charlie. Another cup of Charlie. All right. Let's do, let's just drop this in right now. Because it's chai, char for tea.

Yeah. But these days, when you say Charlie, you mean blow. You mean blow. Yeah. Right up the schnoz. Blow up your schnoz. So that adds a little comic. It's like Ghost Watch when they keep going on about the glory hole,

which used to be a legitimate actual thing in a house. Yes. But now it's porn-rooned it. Paul made the film more fun. There's other things porn ruined, you know. Other things that used to be sort of normal... Well, playing cards for a fucking start. Facial, giving someone a facial?

That used to be a procedure, a cosmetic procedure. No, that was always coming my face. I was need to remember even as a kid. Right. So we're going to play another cup of Charlie. Now, I've got a question Because it's something that's just come up First of all, the label, do you know what Hollywood?

It's released on Hollywood Studio Records or something. Recorded Hollywood Studios, published by Hollywood Music, Yeah. Video by Hollywood movies. It's weird. And the way they've done it, they've got the company logo for all of those things. And why are they making such a big deal that they're doing everything? Who are these people, is what I'm asking you.

Well, here's my next question. What's in the bottom left-hand corner that I have? album. Oh, that you're looking at on the back, bottom left. A picture of Elton John.

It's two blokes on the back of the aeroplane. The back cover doesn't really relate to the front cover. Those two guys are apparently called

the monkey bros. Monkey Brothers, monkey bros, monkey bros. It's two guys who look like, yes, it looked like 70s era

fucking, uh, they've got goggles on. But this just goes with this plane because they're... That's from the video. The main picture is them on a biplane

with two hearts painted on the side of it. And Renar Farnash in the back cockpit, René's out outside the plane and he's sort of like he's going away, I guess, it's the, the... But this is the thing, who are they? And the inset, it's the same plane, but they're riding the back of the fuselage there. You know what I mean?

The Funk Brothers, because they've got two white doves on them. What the fuck is going on with this? I don't know, I don't know what the Monkey Brothers are, because on the record itself, it just says, produced by Jay Edwards, who was the guy who wrote the original song, and that's how it kicked it all off. Engineered by blah, blah, blah, except a bunch of other people who come in and out of the track, so it's all been engineered separately. This came out on 83.

And honestly, I don't know what the Monkey Brothers is other than maybe a collective of producers. Did you look up what Hollywood Records is, please? Yeah, and there's nothing on that either. Weird. Because it gives me, you know, all these other Hollywood things, which is not that. Weird.

They obviously thought they were going to launch... Hang on, what does it say up here? It's got another trademark up there. Is that a palophone or something? No. Pinnacle. Pinnacle. Pinnacle records, apparently.

Obviously a bigger corporation. That to me, the way they've got Hollywood this, Hollywood that, produced by Hollywood this, and they've got all the logos. It's all fronting. It's like all front in it. It's like all front. It seems like, yeah, they're trying to have a whole media conglomerate or whatever. Maybe it's to do with the songwriter. Maybe he was trying to launch his own record corporation.

Well, this is why the whole Monkey Brothers thing is suggesting, it's kind of what makes it feel more novelty album, the serious album was what I'm getting out. Yes. Because, no, they are fun. I like that cup, but you're right. There is a certain... It's hard to take any of it seriously. The word is camp.

Yeah, it's hard to take any of it seriously. So even like the earnest love songs, you can't take seriously because they're too earnest and too overblown and too operatic. And his silly operatic voice. And you know he's not really a, he's, he can't in real life have that stereotypical hello, hello, hello. Hello, it's a me, hello. He's putting it on, yeah. A little bit of me, I'm a materiel. But it's also very much from that period in British cultural history.

Yeah. Where the Latin lover. Yes. The Vera, whatever that's called. That play. What's it called. Shirley Valentine. Shirley Valentine. Demis Roussons.

Yes, that's it. It's all this exotic. Exotic. Exotic. He had some bangers. Disco ban. I'm not. Take out of him.

Check out, Demis Roussons. Midnight is the time. I think it's quite. Anyway, no, I'm not disagreeing that he's not a good artist. I'm all in. But he obviously was pushed towards doing ballads because of his... That him loved it. There was this whole thing where it was like a big deal.

Like what? a fucking Steve Coon character. Do you remember? Tony, Tony... Ferrari. And he was like, Hello, ladies. I love you very much. It's this whole thing,

which isn't really a thing these days. Wilderness B, thorough thing. No, that's much more of a... James Brown. No, it's a take more specifically on Teddy Pendergrass, known as Black Elvis. Right.

Yeah. But it's all much of a muchness, though, right? Teddy Pendergrass is the main. But it's all much of a muchness, right? No, but that's more of an exotic lover because of the blackness. There's a different thing. Yeah.

It's a different thing. Whereas the continental, Latin love is more kind of... It's exotic, but in that way, they're still white, you know, so it's still safer. You should have... You know what I'm getting at?

They've got a tan. Yeah. Which makes them sexy. It was almost acceptable to like the white, the men, the husbands. Yeah. Like, for like,

oh, she likes them, or the exotic, you know, you know what I mean? It was more acceptable, less threatening to them. Yeah. But what I'm saying is, in terms of like,

it's market audience, it is the, women middle age to slightly younger kind of thing. Or Barry White is the other, of course. Barry White. Let's end with the final track that I want to play. Oh, you want to play it anyway, yeah. Because again, this is...

Because some people thought Reni and Otto were married or in love were a proper couple. Like, no one realized it was just a means to an end. He would be very much punching above his weight, as they say, wouldn't he? Yeah. He's a little retunned. I mean, I know I am. Yeah.

But I look a bit like him. Should we try and copy this album cover one day? You should. If you get a wig. Because that would be so good. Let's do it. Oh, I'd love to do that. And then can I dress up as Demi resource as well?

Yeah, we can have a whole dress-up day, Eli, if you want. I do for a cheap shot, maybe. We've, come on. We've been threatening to do like a fashion thing where we prize stuff. Oh, yeah, no, I know, right, I agree. The final track I'm going to play leans into the whole, oh, they marry, they're really in love,

because it's a song about how they've had a kid, and it's in the baby and all, cutchy, could she, and how the baby looks a little bit like her and a little bit like me. Did he write all the songs that night? No, he didn't he wrote any. I think they're all written by Edwards and then engineered by a bunch of different people.

That's what I mean. That's what I mean. Did Edward, Jay Edward, did he write them all? Yes. Yes. Looks like it without any further information to hand. But let's end with this a little bit of me. Look at the bambino. He's just like a me, eh?

Well, he's got my eyes. But listen to him. He's got my bigger voice. Here's a... Little bit of you is everything I see and everything I do. A little bit of me is a little bit of a... And now it's time. No, we haven't said whether it's a platter or a splatter.

Oh, platter. Platter from me as well. Platter, that's a platter. Easy. It's a platter from me. I don't think I'd enjoy the whole album, but those ones you picked out... No, yeah. That's all you need.

It's amusing. His approach is amusing on those songs. It cheered me up at no end when I heard it. Sometimes that's all I need. Yeah, okay. Right. It is time for Paul. Pleasant Pastimes.

It's Paul's Pleasant Pastimes, everybody. And this is another... I'll get straight into it. Get it at. This is one I got in a charity shop. It's called Streetwise. Streetwise. City of London, the official London trivia game.

And honestly, I can describe it in one simple sentence. Trivial pursuit, but all questions are about London. That did. You managed to keep that quite simple, and I respect that. So I do it. I silver away. No, go on then. This one is street, but also I just want to.

of the streets, a streety-weety. I don't say streety-wit. I never do that. That's like Russell Brand. Like my dick. Like my cock is a dick. Street-wise, like my dick's wise about streets. Cock London.

Oh, Fanny, stinky Fanny. Oh, so good. Right. That's funny, isn't it? No, well, lie, I mean. So, it is, it is just this. Are we not going to play the board then? No, because it's just like Trivial Pursuit.

Can I have a look at the board? Yes. Because I'd like you to look at it. Because you just go. around a map and whatever you land on tells you to answer a question. And rather than wedges, you get a little peg with rings that you put on instead, right? Place it upon floor betwixt. There we go.

It's like a little fake London map. It's a real London map with a kind of like adventure game grid on it. It's showing the very central area of London. Yeah. And what looks to be Nelson's column right in the centre there. And I bet you that's where you have to end the game as well. In Trafalgar Square. Yeah, for the final question.

Yes, and all in the night buses, most of them end up that there. Don't they? Yeah, literally says here, roll the dice, exact number to get to Trafalgar Square, they can attempt to win the Quinnin question. The category of that question is determined by either by agreement

by the other players beforehand or selecting it at random, so it doesn't really fucking do. And we're going to play against you? Well, I just thought, you know, we'd fucking just ask some questions one another about London. Give us a pack and I will go back and forth then.

Well, you go back and forth. But I do, I will say this. Simple fucking idea in it, someone can't just doing this. You know what kind of sickens me? Is you going to charity shops these days? Yeah. The amount of different,

trivia packs for this or that as gifts or just it's just and this is why this is why i kind of feel bad when i go into a charity shop and i see 100 like classic records you know classic music records and i'm thinking no one's buying that no one wants it no one wants it no one needs them if anyone really wants to listen to classical music there are loads of other ways that are much easier these days to do that and better because you might be clarity no and they have their own collections maybe if they have it so what are you going to do with all that it's just going to stay there yeah board games are kind of similar and that you see a lot of those shit boards games that are like crap spins on guess who or battleships or uno or trivia questions.

Yeah. It's just, so this just about avoids that by having a reasonably interesting identity in that, you know, you're going around London, you're landing on squares, you're answering questions about London. And would you like to know the categories? I would, please. There are little symbols next to them all. So there's a little symbol of a building.

It's grey. And that category is structures. Structures. Which means buildings, it's contents and statues. Okay. Right. The next one is a little start. it should be red.

And that's personalities. London personalities. Barbara Windsor. Yeah. Oh, that governor? Mike Reed. Leave it, Pat. Next one.

History, right, has a little shield next to it. Blue, that's history. Oh, I've said that first. Right, next one is, there's a little cab. It's black, and it says roundabout, which means miscellaneous. So it could be anything London-based. And then we've got the two masks. What do you think that is?

Go on. What do you think that is? I can look in the back of the card I'm holding. It's culture. Well, then you go. Well, then what's the last one then? and what is the logo? A tree.

And it's outdoors. Good. And it's green. So that's it. So do you want to just do a card each and see how many points we get? Yeah. Right, top to bottom. Yeah.

Do you want to go first or second, big boy? I go first. All right. So that means you're going to answer questions or read them out. I'll answer first. All right, here we go. So you read out first. I think you'll card at random.

Building structures, you should be good at this. In fact, let's put a little bit of ambient noise in of London background. Alon Z. Right, now that's in. Now we're in London. Just open the fucking window. Can we turn the window? And get some air in.

As long as you don't bark like a fucking rabid, maniac dog then. Oh, I see. It's not about the sound coming in. It's about your noise coming out. That's like that thing in watchman. And that's like that thing in watchman. Yeah. You're all stuck in ear with me.

Yeah. No, I know. You're right. No, I'm okay actually now, Paul. It's fine. Yeah. I was just trying to make it funny. Oh, well, keep trying.

So, structures, buildings, here's your first question. Question number one. We've set the ambience. We're in London. We're on the streets of London. Toot, Toot, Toot. Toot, Toot. Lavender, lovely lavender.

I'm Jack the Ripper. Et cetera. That's not London, isn't it? Oh, I go. Who gets out in the back of my camp, the other day? Why are that fucking Glenn Medeiros? Andrew Lloyd Weber. Yeah, and Glenn Medeiros.

They were both sucking each other's car. And I said, no. And then I'm going to do a Derek and Clive sketch. So let's move out of that. Right. How many times, and remember, this game came out in... That's a good point, actually. Because some of these...

This is 1986, this board game. Oh, wow. Quite a lot of things might have changed since some of these questions. Okay, well, try and... Bear that in mind. Bear that in mind. So as of 1986, Eli, how many times has Tower Bridge raised its draw bridges in its 92 years?

Is it approximately? 100,000, or 1 million times. Now, how many times do you think it's got up? Like a Pam Beers knickers, remember in the poem? Yes. 500,000. My name's Pambers. I'm fanny's all fusty.

A hundred. It's like a disused library shelf and it's very dusty. 100,000. All right, and the answer is. It's not really a knowledge thing. One million. Wow. Okay.

One million, Eli. Right, next question. Do you want to go back and forth? Let's go back and forth. So I'm going to ask you a structure one, is that right? Yeah. Top, going from the top down. Okay.

Same card. Yeah, right. One card here. Yeah, one card. One card. I need some glasses, man. So bad. Keep forgetting to buy them.

Oh, you've still. lost your pair. And it's just because I know Balatro so well now that I don't actually have to read what the jokers are and anything. Yeah, no, I get it. It's more instinctual. Yeah. I love that game. Right, well, how about you read this one then? Go.

Which famous stones, Paul? Yeah. Housed in the British... Which famous stones, Paul? Yeah. Housed in the British Museum with a subject of a lobby for their return to Greece. Oh, fuck. Ah! Bullocks! I literally heard about this the other day. The stones, the fucking

thing stones. Shakara stones from Raiders, from Temple of Doom. No, it is the... It's a type of stone. I'll give me a clue. I know. I'm giving you a clue. Elbin... Elbin... Oh, I don't know. Pass. Elgin Marbles. Elgin Marbles. You're not getting a point. No, that's fine, but was that

the right answer. Elgin Marbles is the answer. Well, I would like to say, at least you knew I was close with that. I knew, and I knew you weren't going to be able to give me. Fine, but at least I got closer that I reckon you thought I was going to get with that. Who knows London more? Me? Are you, a cheek little tink of sliffering. Elvin marbles or whatever.

Fatsy. Elvin's Marbles. Yeah. That could be a TV show, couldn't it? Come, everyone, I've got my magic marbles. Ooh, can I pop up in my mouth? Not the best kids TV. By my turn, next question for you is...

Personality. Personality. How many years was Henry Cooper, British heavyweight champion? How many years was Henry Cooper, British heavyweight champion? How many years was he that? Six? Splash it on. Was he the splash it on guy with Brute?

He was the guy who... Was he the splash it on guy? No, that was the other football. wasn't it? He fought Muhammad Ali. Did he? Yes.

I presume he did win. He lost to Muhammad Ali. Of course. But how many years? That's international. That's not British. No, no, no. British heavyweight championship.

Okay, answer is Rumble, rumble. 10. Oh, 10. It's a long time. It's a long time. It's a long time to be the champ, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. Well, that's a different sport back then. There's probably only like four others in the whole fucking category. Yeah. And they would just fight each other every once, every like two years or something.

Yeah. Spread it out. Like my personality question, Okay, you might get this weirdly enough Alright Who was the 1986 World Darts Champion

Bully I mean I am just going Yeah There's Alright I'm funny Yeah, a bit of good look I mean I only know one name And Eric Bristow

Yes you're correct I knew you'd get it for that Fair enough He's fucking outlanding me Everyone Okay dokey Next category You've got one

History I've got none. History is the next one, isn't it? Right, so I'll give you history. It's it. Right, what legend of good fortune is attached to the crown jewels, co-ey-nour diamond? What legend of good fortune is attached to the crown jewels?

I don't know I used to pronounce it. Co-Hinaw Diamond. The one that's in the crown, I think it is. Oh. It was found up the Queen's Chuff. I mean, you're close. It's very close. It's actually quite a boisterous answer.

So having that diamond in the crown, what does that signify? What kind of good fortune? do you think it would signify? Not dying. No. Not, there's been quite a lot of.

No, because they've gone to all that. I have no clue. It says here, it allows protection for your children for all their crimes. It's like the Trump's known. No, it's not. It's like the owner of the diamond will rule the world. Well, allegedly. That's just British.

That's a terribly worded question. Yeah, you're right. That was, there's almost no way I could. Well, let's just do a legend. Yeah. I mean, maybe if you've been on the tour. That was a terrible wordy question. It's a crap thing to a moment.

imagine that the good fortune is like this diamond will let you rule the world. It's just stupid and it's meant to be a story. What is the wording of that? Come on, let's just... K-O-H-I-Dash... Yeah, no, no, not that wording. What's the wording of the question? What legend of good fortune? Legend of good fortune?

Yeah. See, that's very vague to me. What a legend of good... What is actually a legend of good fortune? I would think that would be an old, perhaps apocryphal story about someone being lucky. About someone being lucky. A legend to me... me suggests a story, not just a saying

that goes along with the... Do you see what I mean? What they're saying is, what is the saying that goes along with the son? This sounds more like you're just angry you didn't get it right. No, I'm not... Everyone agrees with me as well as with the dirtiness of the cover from earlier. Fine. It still sounds like it's just you complaining. It's a shit. Read out your

history question. I am complaining. You read out your history question now to me. Yeah, you'll never fucking get this. Good. At least I've still got one more than you so far, so, array? Fucking stupid, stupid. You're a fucking stupid fucking... Stupid fucking blood. he's fucking stupid. He asked me questions about London town.

He thought I wouldn't get many. And yet I won up, I think. And he's just fucking acting like Benny from Crossroads. Not as good as your earlier efforts. I'm drunk. How many tons of bombs? Yeah.

Fell on London. Yeah. From September 1940 to May 1941. It's a multiple choice question. Because I wouldn't know the specific. number. 2,000, 20,000 or 200,000? It's got to be, because it's crazy, right? If you drop 1 million on the other one? No, 20,000. Oh, still a lot.

Yeah, he didn't get it. Still, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near them. I mean, yeah, one is enough to drop on Central London, I'd say. Yeah, one's more than enough. One is too many. Yeah, yeah. So, I agree. Right, question four, Eli, and we're in the miscellaneous roundabout character now. three vintners V-I-N-T-N-E-R-S Something to do with wine, I believe Three vinters may sell wine in the city

Without an excise license True or false I mean it's one of these 50-50s with this I think it's true because There is no explanation why So I'd say because My reasoning for thinking that's true It's because the fucking city of London's got

All these weird exemptions for certain businesses Rules that suit themselves That go back, generation. So I'd say yes, the Vintners there must be, yes, true. Do as we say, not as we do is the fucking city of London, yeah. True, right? Yes, it is true. One point each at this stage. Excellent.

London, everyone complains we're too London focused and we're just doubling down. Here we go. You ready? Yeah. For your miscalate, no, this is the... This is miscellaneous. Which is the question four. Which is the cab? Yeah. I'm weird. It depends to be around the road. Rather than... Yeah.

What, Paul, is the diameter of London's underground tube tunnels. And you can answer the question within one foot. The actual tunnel? The diameter, which is right across the middle. Yeah. Yeah. And how many, I'm allowed, what am I meant to answer it in? Feet or meters or centimeters or what? Feet. Feet. Feet. It says within one foot. Oh. There's a tricky. There's roughly, if you think in meters, I'll tell you the rough rule is about

with a rough footage. It's about three and a bit feet to each meter. I'm going to go ahead and say, I don't, I mean, certain tunnels are bigger than other. for obvious reasons because different types of stock. Do you mean? Like the actual tunnel part themselves? No, they're not because it's the standard. They've got a standardised. No, the MET lines are much bigger train than the central line.

Yeah, but I think that... I'm just saying... This is 86. This would be before the Jubilee was even finished. Yeah, but they had the Bakerloo and that's... They had the Bacaloo, yeah. The Met line had huge trains on it. No, it says what is the diameter so they might...

Fine. I'm just... Maybe the new Elizabeth line, that's definitely got to be different, right? I would say... Because they had to build a new machine. That's it. It's to do with efficiency with machines because you have these boring machines, right? Yeah. And you've got to be standardised, so I think it's a standard thing. The trains probably have a sort of a margin where they can be slightly bigger or...

I mean, I don't... The gauge on the rails can change, right? Yeah. But the actual diameter of the tunnel is probably the same. I'm going to say something like, like 16 feet. It's a good guess. Yeah. You're not within one foot. It's 12 foot.

Oh, oh well. Not bad. Not bad at all. Minopa twing. Right, no, between. So it's one all still, culture. Oh, you'll get this one, I think. You will definitely get this one.

Coucher. Whose first mysteries were a study in Scarlet and a scandal in Bohemia? Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. No, who's the character? Sherlock Holmes. There you go, correct. Two points to Eli. Right, go on.

Two points overall. Go on, next one for me. Oh, you might get this one as well. This is also culture. Oh, my God. Well, this is easy. You'll get this one. If I don't now, that's going to be painful.

Go on. Who was the nanny? Yeah. who magically sailed over London's rooftops. Why? Tismerie Poppins, Governor. Yay. Right, last question. It's an outdoor spaces.

These are badly written. Because it says who is the nanny? And you're like, what, in real life? If you didn't know, do you know what I mean? If you didn't know, there's no way you can, they're really vaguely written these questions. Very bad. I think purposely so on time.

Very bad. Like I think this is too. What category are you on there? The last one. Outdoors, right? Outdoors. Right. Outdoors.

Where did Ash, Connors? and Smith Raines Supreme in the 70s. Wimbledon. Yeah, correct. Yay. Go on. Next one. Outdoor spaces.

They were all tennis players. Yes, I know. Champions. I knew that one. Okay, this would be it. This is where we're going to win. I'm going to lose. I'm not going to get this one.

Thank God I'm going to win. What is unusual? You might know it. Go on. In which case we draw, right? Yeah. What is unusual about Holland House and Regents Park theaters? They're not at those locations, though,

though, are they where they're made? Is that your final answer? I'm going to give you a chance. now, it's very, very obvious. What is unusual about Holland House and Regents Park theatres? They're not theatres. Okay, you lose.

What is it? They're outdoors. Oh, okay, fine, I win. I'm happy. You didn't, but there you go. Hey. We're still doing it. I want to do one more cardine.

Are we going to do one more car dish? This is the quick, quick round. We've got to do it quick. I'll start this time, yeah? Okay. What worldly structure adorns the top of London Coliseum. What worldly structure dawns the top of the London

Coliseum? Where's the London Coliseum? I think it's one of those old theatres. It isn't called that anymore. Isn't it a Globe or an Atlas or something? A globe. Yeah. There you go. Hey, ding, ding, ding. So that is... An Atlas? Yeah. It's definitely an orb globe. An Atlas is the person who held the globe on his... Up on his ass. But it also refers

to a book of maps. So did you mean a book of maps? No, I meant a globe. Because I can see it. Right, so it's three all now, yeah, heading into it. It's not three all. Yeah, because you got three, and I got two in the last round, and I just got one now, so it's three all. We're carrying over. We're carrying over.

That was the whole point. Such a little. Just saying, we're carrying over. And we'll keep on carrying over until I win. You're such a goblin. Right, here we go. Here's your question. Here's your question.

It's meant to be quick this one. Drop it. What is the name of Sir Charles Wheeler's female statue at the Bank of England? What is the name of Sir Charles Wheeler's female statue at the Bank of England? Britania. The Old Lady of Three. Red Needle Street. Oh, right.

I didn't know that. I didn't know if there was one. Right, next question now. Go on. Personalities. Quick, quick up. By what other name was the anarchic John Liddon known to the pop world in the late 1970?

Sid Vicious. Wrong. Johnny Rotten. Oh, Johnny Rotten. Yeah, bollocks. I threw that one away. You really did. Fuck it.

Fuck it. Doesn't matter. Still three all. No. It is. Carry it over. Okay. Right.

Next one. Which capital will Liverpool in was born Murray, Cole in 1944. Is this the third one down? No, the second one. This is personalities.

So, which Capital Liverpoolian was born Maurice Cole in 1944? I definitely would have gotten this. I don't know, Willie. Capital?

Yeah, I don't know. Referring to what? Is that a clue? Yeah, I think it is. This is a DJ, right? Which Capital Liverpool was born Maurice Cole in 1944? That's all I've got to work with.

He's a DJ. Capital on Capital Radio. Then who? Quick. We're meant to be quick fire. Tick-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T. Five. Four, three, two.

Kenny Everett. Correct. Boom. Four, three. Right, next question is... Yes. History, Eli. Come on.

Stop fucking rubbing your cock when you get a point right. Was this quick style? I was just glad that got that right. I'm glad that got that right as well. More glad. It's me for you. Yeah, this is a history question now. Which famous 15th century victory over the French earned Henry V?

The Keys to the City. Is that Agincourt? Yep. Yeah. Get in for all. Right, question Eli history. Here we go. What first is held by the Southwark to Greenwich Railway of 1863?

What first is held by the Southwark to Greenwich Railway of 1836? I don't like how that's phrased. What first is held at the Southwark to Greenwich? First steam railway. First what? Steam Railway. The answer is London's first passenger railway was between Greenwich and Southwark. I mean, it's very vague.

Very vague. I agree with that very vague. My question now on, roundabout stroke miscellaneous. Please give me your question. It's for all. Which major record company has studios at Abbey Road? Apple. Nope.

Well, they do? Wrong. So what is it? EMI. Yes. Well, then I'm having the point for that. You're not having the point. Because Apple does.

Famously so. You wouldn't have said Apple either if you'd said it. I'm having the point. I would have said EMI. Because that's who it is. Apple isn't a... What aren't they? What aren't they?

They're not a record record. They're not a major record company. They always use a larger company like in to put out the records. I'm still taking the point. You do not deserve that point at all. Next question, I'm having that. You do not deserve that point at all.

Well, I'm having it. Next question. I'm quick. Eli, how many pedestrians passed by Eros in a year to the nearest 5 million? Fuck sake. Come on.

How many to the nearest 5 million walk past Eros every day? In a year, sorry. How many pedestrians passed by Eros in a year to the nearest 5 million? 15 million. The answer is 36 million. And that's an 86 number.

Right, next question for me. This is roundabout miscellaneous. No, it's not. No, it's culture, arts and entertainment. We're moving on. How many sections are there on an East End darts board? How many sections? Are there on an East End darts board?

Does it go by like also the double trebles? I don't know. I guess you would know because you've seen the answer. I do know how high the number is. I mean. So I don't know. One, two, three, four, five. This is six.

Cheating, obviously. Six. And then how many? It goes around because, uh, I don't fucking know. Well, I'll need an answer. Six times 20 something. I don't know. Do you hear the question again?

No, I'm not going to get this right. It doesn't matter. So, guess the number, you might get it right. 68? No. What was it? 12. Oh, because it's the other dartboard, isn't it?

With the, uh... I have no fucking clue what you're talking about. Do you know, but they don't take the bully ball. The bully ball. Oh, it's the other dark one. It's like, it's that one that's just like a more of a target. Oh, I thought that was just for the show. No, no, that's a did.

No, not the prize board. Back in the day, they used to have rig that went to the centre, so maybe it's that then. It must be a different type, different type of dartboard. It must be a different type of dartball for the board from the cockneys. Right, here's Eli's one. What was Margaret Thatcher's favourite TV show? That's what it says here.

I actually didn't know the answer to this until I saw it. What was Margaret Thatcher's favourite TV show? I don't know. Jim will fix it. I was going to say that. Yeah, well, you were wrong because the actual answer is yes, minister. Right, and then finally... I was going to say Jim will fix it. Because of a connection.

She loved him? Yeah. Some fucking crazy business. Yeah. Last question. Go on, answer. Ask her at me. Ask her at me the question.

Who beat England 6-3 at Wembley in 1963? Is it a World Cup question? I'm not going to give you any more information that then is on the car. Well, it was three years before the World Cup, right? Because that was 66. I don't know. It could be any fucking team in the world. I'm going to go ahead and guess France.

It was Hungary. Okay. That's it. Your question, last one. Which London River? was covered over in 1733. The fleet. Yeah.

It's the only one I could think of. The minute I read that question, it was like, good old John Rogers. He teaches us as well. That's I picked you there with that last one, didn't I? I don't know if I was lost three. It was five.

I think it was five. No, I definitely got five. I can at least say I got five. I beat you by one. I beat you by one. I beat you by one. Everyone knows. Everyone knows.

And Future Paul editing knows as well. Yeah. Everyone knows, apart from that little ego part of yourself that you don't want to access. There's a vacuum in there. All right. Double or nothing. It's full of howling.

I'll tell you what, double or nothing. You can ask for any question off this car and I'll read it. I won the culture one. And if you get it, you get 100 points. The culture one, please. All right. And if you get it wrong, fine. And then I've got a big asshole.

Right. What nostalgic but ungrammatical hit song did Lionel Bart write? What nostalgic but ungrammatical hit song did Lionel Bart write? I think I know what this is. Oh no, I don't. I tell you what? Do you want another card? Yeah, please.

Yeah? Was it consider yourself? No, I thought that, but it's called Things Ain't What They Used to Be? Things ain't what they used to be, of course. What Philandra, did John Neville first play on the West End in 1963? Huh? What Philandra, did John Neville first play on the West End stage in 1963? This one I do know.

Cassanova? No. I even looked at the car, I know what the answer is. What is it? It's Alfie. Ah. What does that say? Alfie.

So Paul wins. You win. Paul wins London. I'm a Londoner. It's true. We all know he didn't win. I don't really much like you. You really are terrible cheats.

I was bored in bowels, coccles and eels and seashells. Lovely to speak to you guys. Thanks for listening. He's going to do. No, I also, you have to hand me bullies winner. I'm not handing you shit. You have to hand me the bullies winner top of this game. You can handle these nuts.

Those nuts, my friend. I've got notes. Sad, withered. Parmesan sprinkles. The word here is fusty. Fusty sprinkles. Yeah, and there's a miscellaneous grit all over it. Gritty sprinkles.

You've got gritty sprinkles all over your musty balls. Shut up. And just one last word, it just says cobwebbing. So I don't know if that's the skin sticking to the side of your leg. It's more like old spunk.

It's all spunk. It's all spunk. Giving you old ball bat wings. What are they? You say that. Yeah, because you've got ball bat wings. What does that mean even?

What does that refer to? It means. It means your balls are stuck to your side of its size. Oh, so it looks like bat wings. Yeah, it looks like bat wings. It looks like bat ball bat wings. You've got bat wings. And on that,

bombshell. Oh, he took him to the park last night to see how sweet he sings. It was hot. He got his clothes off and I saw his bat wings. Oh, he said, I'll make them go away with a stroke that's nice and pure. He said, all right, but just be careful. My bat nuts can be sore. So I went down on the Savaloy and I rubbed it clear and true.

And those balls flapped the way they did, up to way to Timbuktu. He said, where am I going to get my balls back? They fluttered to the sky. I said, I don't mind. I don't mind at all. And I heard him cry. Anyway, thanks for listening, everyone. I'm not playing with this.

We ate a bit of cake and a lovely little buddy. And then it five past nine that very night, he hit my purdy pussy. Is that all right? No. Is that what you wanted? Shut your mouth. You wanted Pam Errs to say he just got eaten out by a pirate or something.

Shut up. Shut up. Do the end. You've hurt my feelings. Again, with your insistence on winning. You've hurt my feelings. Now fucking... Sometimes I don't know what to say.

Some people call me sinner. But guess what, Eli fucking Silverman? Ding, ding chicken dinner or whatever. Press the fucking thing, man. Right, that was Cheap Show. Thank you very much. Thank you very much for listening. Cheap Show.

Thank you very much. Thank you very, very much. Thank you very, very much. Thank you very, very much. And to our patrons, thank you as well. Thank you very, very much. You can join them if you want to as well. Patreon.com, site for us.

That's Cheap Show. That's the patron. I tell you he wanted some fingers, a pheasant plucker there. The pheasant plucker. Without a pleasant fucker, I would have done any of the A... The Pemez.

Anrand stuff. Iron Rands. Pemme's and Rand. Now, if you could come up impromptu with Pames doing an Iron Rand philosophically, you know... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

I'm a big fan of individualism. I think it's fucking great, but I'm a parasite because I was living off the state. Nice. Thank you. And that's a little bit of... politics as well. That was good. Very good.

She got fucking handouts of everyone in that fucking woman's life. I mean, it's horrible and still a huge influence on these cants today. And that is the note we're ending on this week. Anyway, the CheapShow.com. UK is your one-stop shop for all things cheap show. Do you watch us on YouTube for uploads including our fortnightly cheap shots?

Our podcast is everywhere on every platform. We put it back on YouTube now. That's lovely. And again, thank you to our patrons who make this podcast possible. And if you would like to come and see our live 500 show, it's happening in August. The 23rd Sunday, 4pm, we've got Paul Putner, Nick Helm, Louis King, Stuart Ashen's and no longer Ash Frith, no longer, he's not invited. That's it. We'll see you next week. Please come,

tick it in the description for this podcast, links on our website and all over our social media. Come and join us, we're going to have plenty much fun with great comedy guests. Right, that's it. Bye, I guess. What are you doing? Why'd you go on your phone? What are you doing? Just because I've done here. It's over, right? You're not engaged. I'm not, I was, engage. I listen to that shit you come up. Can you put those Sunday camping? It's actually the WhatsApp group from when I went camping. Someone has got a tick

bite from that place and it's blown up. Good. Right. Do you want to give you those Sunday sport cards back? Because I see you put them in your pocket after all that outrage. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm just saying, you've got to be in hand right now. Do you know what, Paul? I'm not ashamed. I wank. Yeah? I wank therefore I am. We're both adult men. Yeah? They say exercising

one. You're a traitor. You're wasting it. You're wasting it. Oh yeah. Once a day. they say. Yeah, and I think I am more than... I don't do it once a day. Pulling my own weight when it comes to that. I don't go once a day anymore. No?

No, no, once a week. It's more like three times a week. Oh, that's all right. That's all average. Do you have a special day? No. I have a special day. Wank Wednesday, I call it.

Oh, do you? And then I have a grunt Monday. And it's just about time, actually. It's just about time for my grunt Monday. So I'll see you next week. I'm off. Oh, don't do the more noise again. What, this noise?

Sorry about him, everyone. And that's the end of Cheap Show for yet another week. Eli's fucked off and Paul's reached his comedy peak. It's a little underwhelming, but we hope you've had fun. We'll see you next time and we promise they'll become... Certainly will. See you next week.