CheapShow - Ep 494: Theme Parklife

Episode Date: July 3, 2026

Full disclosure, this episode isn’t exactly “cheap” but it was necessary. Paul is having a bit of a tough time at the moment, and wanted to do something where he could let off some steam and have some genuine fun… So, on his own dime, Paul has paid for him and Eli to have a day out at one of the UK’s best known theme parks, Thorpe Park in Surrey. It’s been a long time since either of the Cheap Chaps had visited Thorpe Park, so now is a good time to check out the big, scary rides that exist past the turnstiles! They’ve only got a little over 5 hours, so they’ll cram in as much as they can. Paul can’t get enough of the most intense, thrilling rides at the park, but Eli may be a little more reluctant to be thrown about. This week, allow us to “have a bit of fun” as Paul and Eli tackle long queues, junk food, an overwhelming number of “young people”, and experience some of the most intense rollercoasters the UK has to offer. Whether you like it or not, you’ll hear every scream, cheer and roar of the rides this week on a temporarily “not cheap” episode of CheapShow. See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-494-theme-parklife GET TICKETS FOR Ep 500 LIVE Cambridge Junction (J2) August 23rd @ 4pm https://www.junction.co.uk/events/cheapshow-podcast-live/ www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Good morning. Good morning. Good afternoon. Hello, good evening. Good evening. Hello, good evening and good day. This is Paul and Eli. Hello. And it's before 11 o'clock. It's quarter to 11. And we're in Waterloo Station. This is crazy, this scaffolding they've put on the roof with these sections of the station.

It's got a real distance. Oh, I didn't even notice that until just then. Yeah. Wow. I like Waterloo. It's a bit nuts, isn't it? It's a big boy. It's a big boy station.

And for fans of the backrooms aesthetic, you've got this whole new sort of shopping centre. And on this side obviously, when you talk towards me, you talk towards the microphone. The whole new shopping centre. Over there with a huge broodog, which is closed now. Oh, that place, fucking yes.

There's really backroomsy down there. Yeah. So there's a lot to enjoy in Waterloo and you've got Lower Marsh as well. People don't know about that. What's Lower Marsh? It's that really? funky little street that runs below the station. Oh yeah.

It's really cool. Oh, they're cool. Yeah. There's pub, shops, shops, restaurants. Oh, lovely. And a really famous graffiti underpass basically. Like a what they call a Hall of Fame. Oh, okay.

It's one of those deals. Oh, we're right. 18. 18 to 24. They must, ah, new platforms. It's up that way, yeah. So why are Paul and Eli outside yet again two weeks in a row.

Is it because of California pool? No. No, no, no. Do you know what it is? Can I be brutally honest? I am stressed to absolute fuck at the moment, right? I'm tired all the time. I'm always working.

I'm stressed. I was like, I'm never going to get to do something fun if I don't do something fun through the podcast. So this is why I thought, with my own money, by the way, Cheap Show hasn't paid for this. Because this is kind of for me,

this is an episode for me. We are going to thought park to ride the big roller coasters today. Good thing you said that, because I was gonna thank the patrons for bringing us today. I just did, there's been a few comments online that I've said, oh, cheap too,

not very cheap anymore, is it? Yeah. And it's like, I disagree, but I understand where people might be coming from. Or an episode like this, I don't want people saying, oh, they're spending our money, going to the fun fair.

Well, guess what? It's my money. And I'm going the fun fair. So that's what we're doing this week. We're going to Teddington. See, it still says 20 to 24. We're taking the 1103 to winter and Eton.

and getting off at Staines. Oh yeah, I've never seen that before. Why is it, is it just saying it's going to be one of these? It's going to be one of these, yeah. Or is it coming in sideways? No, it'll be one, I bet that's it coming in now. Yeah. On platform 20, maybe not, because we've still got 10 minutes, 15 minutes now.

This is the part of the station. That for years was the Euro tunnel line. You know, the... Yes, all the Euro went from here, yeah. Yes, but then it didn't. Like, after the third 20 years, they'd shut it down. It was just sitting here for years, so now they're using it. And the back groozy bit that I mentioned is right below.

It's underneath this part. It's the far end. They used to have a play here as well. They used to perform the railway children here. Oh really? Because they could have the... There's loads of space. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know. Oh yeah, that's right. It's just a big sort of infrastructure fuck up, really, wasn't it? Because they built it. It was here for years and years. They built it then was like, uh, now what? Let's just go from Kings Cross just as easy. Yeah.

So, here you go, a bit of train knowledge for you, ladies. trade knowledge for you, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, but that's what cheap shows doing this week. I want to have fun, I want to scream and let out all my frustrations on a big dipper of some sort. Paul, sorry, I interrupted you before. What were you saying about the comments online? I already said it. Yeah, but I didn't hear it. Can you just repeat it? Some people say, it's not very cheap. It's not very cheap sometimes these days, and I'm like, oh, I quietly disagree, but I can see where they're coming from. Okay, on that point, yeah. Have you told them what we're doing? Yeah. Okay. Have you not been listening to the

It's literally the last like six minutes of this podcast. I haven't had my red hole. I'm sorry. I'm just catching up. All I've done is explain what we've done. Why should I catch up now? I'm just doing a bit of catch up. Thought Park is not the most expensive for theme parks to visit though, is it, for a day? No.

So we are on the cheap side if you look at it like that. If you turn up to the gate and go, ticket please, it's 64 quid. Right. In advance, which is what I did. Of course. It was like 30 quid each or 29 point whatever. Come on, that is not too bad for a whole theme park for a day. And they often, Merlin, who run the whole enterprise, don't they?

They have a thing where you can, not that I did it, but you can buy a ticket for theme park, but then that gives you access to another Merlin theme park for free. Like Alton Towers, for example. They run both of them. Because Alton Towers is still the most popular theme park in Britain. I don't know, maybe, you probably right? I just looked on Wikipedia. Oh, it is.

Because Thought Park has all the big, big, extreme rides. Yeah, that's why I didn't realize, because I have visited, I'm sure, before. Because growing up in London, this is the one that's closest. to the centre of town. It's just outside the M25. Yeah, it's not that far out. Yeah. So I must have visited it, but it could be as long ago as like the early 90s or even before then.

The last time I went, and I've only, to be fair, I've only been once, it was because I was working for a radio station and they gave us free tickets to check out a new ride, which on the day they invited us was closed. Oh right. So it was a bit kind of like... Just like Space Mountain in bloody Disney last three years ago? When did we go? God, time.

2022 was it? Wow, that is three, that's four years ago now. I don't think about it. If we think about it, Space Mountain was closed at Disney when we went. Yeah, which is a shame because everyone loved Space Mountain. Well, I was really surprised how many

extreme rides there are. All about the coasters, baby. This is the thing. I'm all about the big babies too. The big rock, big coaster, rock and rollers. But we have to understand, going ahead, that, A, some rides will invariably

be closed, and some will have really long cues today. Well, I would like to do. because it is... What? Britain's tallest coaster, which is which one? Is it? Yeah.

I've looked at any research. Check on... Yeah. Oh, we do it on the trade, but I literally... The Wikipedia page is cool. And did you know this was a gravel pit? I did actually know that, yeah. Owned by construction firm or a cement firm.

So, funnily enough, a lot of the brutalist buildings that I grew up loving in London probably were sourced in this gravel pit, you know what I mean? It's a very good point. Because it's just outside the M25, And it operated from 1940 to 75, 76. Yeah, because this only opened what in the 90s thought Park originally or late 80s, right? I don't know. Late 70s.

I should do some. So there's some content with this episode. It's younger than both, you and it's about your age. It's 47 years old. I thought you're going to flat me and say 30 or 32 years of age. That's going to be like, oh, you tinker and we'd have a bit of govial banter. You know, but it's all right. You can produce overall banter out of thin air.

Yeah, so just for one week, cheap show, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen of all ages, allow Paul a little... Just a chance to have a bit of fun. Paul needs fun, and he's been grumpy and tired, it's been hot. So can I have a bit of fun, boys and girls? Well, I'm cutting my ear. Can I have some fun, boys and girls? Yes, Uncle Paul.

Well, then how about you? Come along with me and Eli today as we go all the big dippers at Thorpe Park. Come on, Eli. Alright, there. There's still waiting for the train. Oh 21 it's on. Platform 21. Right, we're getting on the train.

Let's go. Right, we're on the train, aren't we? Yes, just departing. Just departing now. Motion room. Just departing. We're talking discreetly into our microphone. Are we?

And departing, departing the station now. Paul is really on a mission to have fun today. And you know how I could tell? Why, let off. And when we got on. And when we got on the train, there were some elderly American people who seemed to be confused about what a train was and what you were meant to do on it.

Which direction it was going to go? Or anything. Yeah. He couldn't sit down. He's like, ooh. Anyway, we're on the train and we're leaving. We're heading to stains. And right, so it goes south.

In Vauxhall. Go south and then it eats. And then west. It kind of scoops. Because I was thinking, why wouldn't it leave from, like, Paddington or something, this route? Well, a lot of those London terminuses, you can go similar directions

but as you know there's this whole sort of loop system in in the south right so you can go from charing cross all the way loop all the way through south London yeah and then arrive back in Victoria or oh blackfires or that kind of weird you see what I mean black fryers yeah

it's one of the most sorry I'll wait for the hurt too yeah shut up she's doing on purpose mate. This is my mind watching on the Canva, watching you, in the minute you go, you press a little button.

It goes, Stance. Twist link, dunk. Twist link, dunk. Advert for Oreo and Eaton. She didn't say that right. Windsor, love. So what were you saying before you said, really terrific.

I don't know what I was saying. I wasn't listening either. Oh my God. It's horrible because right now I'm editing this and go, it was two seconds ago. What are we talking about? What are we doing? What we're talking about the loop? And you said you're up in London, South London.

Thank you. Talking. It's talking again. It's one of the... The train system in South London. Yeah. It's one of the most complicated... Rail networks.

Urban, suburban rail networks on the whole planet. Rivaled only by somewhere like Tokyo or something like that. So, it's not as complicated. It's not as old. You think of how old this infrastructure is and the layers on top and the... Yeah, they go through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Linking with the tube, it's really, people, I've seen like two hour long videos of, like, on YouTube, just people just explaining just this, just, it's really, really, really, really dense and complicated and weird.

Which is why we like it. I like just the view out of the window. Yeah, Eli's only got us a little bit of a brutalist horn. So it peaked your interest. Yeah, and we've got a few stops down. Oh, you'll be glad to know. Just your note, you'll be glad to know. Someone on the train as I was coming in did break wind next to me.

So we're on, you know, silent start to the day. You broke wind next to me. In a playful way, very much in this... In a girly, cheeky, innocent way. In the aspiring decor. I don't even think that is a thing. I think it had a charming tongue. A nice little to-tint-tint-tong.

I would almost argue we had a bit of a wink in its sound. A little bit of a, how are you doing? Anyway. So we're going to ride this train out. We're heading to stage and then we get a bus. But it's only like a 15-minute journey. It's not like a mega-bus thing. See how much they gouge us on that.

That's how you get you. It's how they get you when you go to Disney. Because Disney's like almost... I mean, we were very looking at Brian agreed to drive us there. Because if we had tried to make our own way, It would have been a living nightmare. Really? Yeah.

Because there's no real good public transport in LA. And what there is there doesn't go that far out to, like... It's not near Orange County, Anahehy. It's crazy. And a cab would be like a couple hundred bucks or something, right? I don't think it'd be that much, but it would definitely be like north of $50 to get there and back. And, you know, it's... Anyway, long story short, that if you're there, especially if you go to, like, Florida.

Yeah. Going past, we're heading into... Clapham... Clapham Junction, where we didn't... The Clapham Grand. We didn't get our second rightful award that year, but that's fine if they want to value and reward mediocrity. That's fine.

Dare I say it? Corporate's mediocrity. They sucked upon the tit of the corporate beast. They certainly did. And I hope the milk was sour. It's sour in the teat. We surely can't be going back to their... I'm going to put my glasses on.

I'm going to do this. I surely won't be doing that again. He's doing his glasses everyone. Just to know how outraged I am. Right. Let's just chill. Enjoy the journey. Okay.

We'll be back with you lot when we get off the train. When we arrive at stains? Yeah. Hmm. Sharper the better. Paul, look. What? Oh, this wood twixt tree.

Twix. It's a tree has grown through the... Around this fence. At some point. At some point. I'll take a photo. Take a photograph of it. Look, you can see it's all grown around.

around it. But for some reason, they just didn't remove all that bit or that bit. Maybe just for aesthetic reasons. Maybe. Anyway, we just got off the train at Staines. There's a sign here that says, change here for buses to Thorpe Park and Heathrow. I didn't know we were that close to Heathrow. It's a stupid way to go to Heathrow.

I was going to say it does seem a stupid way to go, but I guess if you live this far out, it would be handy. Yes. Right. Caution, high voltage and pilot cables. Good, isn't it? Come on, let's go. Right, so the planet is now.

Now we've got to find a particular shuttle, which leaves every 15, 20 minutes, they say. Okay. And there's a bus centre five minutes away from this station. So let's walk to the bus center. So we're going to walk to the bus station centre now and then get this bus. That's exciting. It's one of these things where, like, I often think, because I love theme parks. You know, I like me theme parks.

And I've been in London for, what, 10 years? And it's not all that. No, that's not true. It's been 20 years, Paul. Where do you pull 10 from? It's more than 20. Well, I mean, if you don't count me when I pissed off to Southampton and Cambridge for a bit. There was a break.

There was a sojourn to lesser areas of this country. He's got a really nice but farty voice. It's like he's got this kind of... I think that might be something to do with the actual tannoy system here at Stains, Paul. All right, then. I just thought he had a nice voice. It does have a nice voice. He has a nice taumbra, yeah.

So, yeah, I like theme parks and I've, this is not that far out. I've never thought about just coming on my own or just, you know what I mean? Just coming here? Yes. Because I was thinking Chessington, but apparently that's more family kiddie theme park. What's the one that's in Norwich? Pleasurewood Hills. Oh, I don't know.

There was one near Norwich. Yeah, Pleasurewood Hills. Or something like that. I'll pleasure my wood in the hills. In the hills. I can't be called that, can it? I don't know. Until this second, I'd never heard of...

When I was at University, in Norwich, University of East Anglia, we went there for a whole day. Oh. And we literally... It must be much smaller, but... We went on every ride about 18 times. We're just running around the whole park. Was it...

Like a family park, or did it have big... It had nothing big. A big swing, a small roller coaster. some other stuff I find those are swing flat rides a bit the do you want to do the lift don't you I saw that look in your eye where you went I want to take lift I like take lift that's why I'm giving you it's a day of fun it's a day of fun I'm not going to be grouchy or angry or affect some kind of anger today I want to generally let off some steam have some fun okay let's have a hundred's coming and I'm

stressed to fuck it's all right please come to the live show we're gonna do an extra day planning on 500 next week yes we have busy this week yes but we're putting the pieces together but it's just on top of everything else with like my workload and life and other freelance stuff it's just I'm just like oh my god I'm going fucking mad you know what you feel like this will let me screen oh that didn't help the heat wave me makes you feel like you can't get in top of any of those things you need to get done you know fucked my mood this week yeah like you know too true for real stuff

out in tears the other day coming home from work for no fucking reason. I was just like... It's the sort of... Yeah. Exhaustion. Yeah. It was... So, today is a day for me letting off steam and screaming out loud and having fun.

Well, I did feel a bit tearful as well today this morning. Weird, isn't? Definitely in that kind of two nights of heavy drinking. Well, yeah, there's that one. Kind of way, so... Yeah. It is the heat, though. It's this...

Dharny... Chuggers remorse. Nightgate. That's why I call it when... Something... something. Do you want to come up? Yeah, we'll just come back to that one.

It's not open anyway. It's put a pin in that comment. That just means that is closed in it because the ticket booth. Night gate. It's just sort of quite lyrical almost. Oh yeah, I've got to get my ticket out. London Terminals to Staines. Here we go.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Oh, there we go. Big sign there. Oh, this is the one. This is it, the 950. Let's get out. Let's get it. Let's get it.

We're not going to be able to use contactless. Yeah, I'll try and buy us both tickets. Oh yeah. Hello, mate. Can I get two singles to Fort Park? Yeah. Sure, sure you're single. We should get returned.

Oh yeah, get returns. That makes more. Yeah, that makes sense. That's all right. Beautiful. Oh. Keep it there, don't know. Awesome.

Brilliant. Thank you very much. Cheers, ma'am. See, receipt. Do you want your own? Yay. There you go. Get the return?

What's the same? There and I'm back. Because this is just the receipts. Okay, you hold on to those. Yeah. Daddy Cash, boy, he's in charge of money. That's in that timing, why, it's nice, didn't it? Perfect, but we say yes, Paul.

Yes, but we don't know how long... Well, we could be here for half an hour, yeah. We could be sitting on this bus because we're in the car park now. Or do you have any thought? Are you excited? Yeah. I'd like to get a coffee. Stroke Red Bull. Well, you can do one of those three things. Drink a coffee and stroke a Red Bull.

Just to cool down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not going to race in, but I would like to get a temperature of like how busy it is. Because, you know, any proper ride if you want to do, we should go to those first. Well, there is a lounge stroke eating area known as launch pad. Yes. I've just been doing some more research. On the food part of things.

Hysteria, is it? The big, the UK's tallest? tallest and fastest roller coaster hysteria I believe it's called there's also a roller coaster there that gives you the shit it's called Listeria and I keep that in

just so you know I keep everything I keep everything I do edit a single fucking thing that's not true if I didn't edit anything we'd have been cancelled a long time ago oh cancel culture not even cancelled I think just like often would have been disappointed in us

personally you know what we've spoken enough I'm trying to think of my hysteria pun stop there's one way there's a roller coaster

based on a hand is hysteria hmm I've got to find one no I've got to find one for you before I end this there's one where you makes you

it makes you smoke in your pants glist I was going to say glist glist works better you know what let's agree to disagree to disagree. Let's stop on the list.

The excitement. Feel the thrill. You hear the soundtrack. Oh, there's all these right. Water slides. I didn't bring my shorts. You should have told me. I didn't bring my shorts, but I knew it.

There's the log flume. I can see the flume. That must be Hyperia, that big one over there, right? Yeah. Cool. I think we just join a big queue on and get that out the way and hope the line gets better. You know what I mean? The queue for the biggest one is 140 minutes.

Yeah, that's what, two hours? Two and a half hours? Yeah, I don't know about that. It might see how that goes later in the day, you know? Crazy. That's quantum there, that shut. Yeah. Saw the ride, I always wanted to go on on that shot. That was annoying.

That's a bit of fun. But we'll just find a queue. That's about 40-odd minutes and start with that one, right? I've got a... Oh yeah, you've got to finish. I've got a huge monster to finish. Let's do a catch-up, basically. Basically, Eli and I got here on the bus, easy.

Getting in, felt like checking in at an airport. I mean... You know. But, yes, there was some guy had had a hard on for us both, didn't he? Oh, he was erect. He told me in an... What I would say is that unprofessionally gruff tone to empty my pockets. And I informed him that I had already.

This isn't my first experience of going through security. And he just... What a wanker. What a wanker. Why is you trying to make us, make, why is you trying to ruin people's day? You know what I mean? It's a fucking theme park. Well, he went through my bag as if it was found at a crime scene.

And he was like, say, what is this? Selfie stick. Where is camera? It's this one. That's not camera. Yes, it is. 360. 360.

Yeah, camera. And he's like his assistant, or the woman next to him was like really apologetic to say, no, he's just because people bring sticks in for fighting. And I was like, no, I get it. I get it. He could have said that. Yeah. But he was a gruff old boy.

He was a gruff wanker. So anyway, we can get beyond that. We are. Isn't Pierre Thier... That says Pier 13. Pier 13. Pier 13? I don't know.

Where you get like candles and knickknacks in America. I don't know. No, isn't that a shot, Pier... Pierre. No, Pier. Peer. I don't know. That says Pierre.

I know what the point you're making other than there's the two things called Pier. That's the point I'm making. All right, thank you. It's a good point. Amity from George. Yeah. Was there Pier 13 in George?

No, I don't know. All I don't know from you is where do you want to start? Amity cababs? You get a cab here? I've had a cab this morning. You have as well, aren't you? To be fair. Imagine it was a darn site cheaper and better than that as well.

The water went puffed. This is the log flu. I want to go on this. I want to go on this. All right. Do you want to join the queue for that at first? How bad is the queue do we think? I don't know.

We can go find out by looking at. They hold your bag for you? Can you take your bag? You can probably take your bag on with this one. Okay. So we fortunately can't take... I have to finish this drink though, don't I? Well we can still join the queue, right?

There's probably bins along the way. Do you want to give that a go? Sure. All right. Yeah, because we can't take cameras on the rides. You've got to get advanced permission for that. Wow. And this is Monday.

Think how busy it gets during the week. I know. Christ. All these kids should be in school. They should, but a lot of them, they've done exams. Do you see what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not actually still in school.

Like, they're officially still in school, but it's at the end of term. And you know you don't go in at the end of term, do you? No. You'll bonk. You bring your game boy in. That's what you used to do. Yeah, or you go down to Port Park

because you've got the day off. I didn't we have a lovely day. You can't resent them. No, I didn't say I did. But there's a bunch of, is that a toilet? No, you dry off on wet rides in there. So if it's too wet. Yeah, that's the drawback.

Note, in four. Florida, if you go to any Disney park or Universal, that will be free. Where'd you join this fucking queue? Yeah, but it's like there's a different tradition of, they came out of a different tradition. The theme parks here, didn't they? Yeah, of not knowing what a theme park is, really. Yeah, because Disney invented it, right?

No joke. Should we just, I need to find the beginning of this queue for that if you want to go on. And I don't know where the start of that is. Here, Serge. My name's not Serge. Storm Serge. I've seen a load of pin badges I want to get already. All right, we'll just go buy pin badges.

Yeah. Right, we can't. Which one? That's fast, trashed and accessible. It's over an hour the queue for this. Would you want to go on it? It's going to be an hour. Or do you want to find a shorter ride, maybe?

A shorter queue. To start off with? Yeah. I mean, that doesn't look like a... Does it? Yeah. I'm going to see how far it goes down the other way. Like 75 minutes, does it?

And he goes around there and then comes back. All right, should we queue then? Yeah, fuck it, let's queue. We've got to doing something and get going. And you want to go on this, right? Yeah. So let's do that. This is a wet one.

If you want to do a wet one, we'll do a wet one. Only six people can ride on this track. Only six people can run on this track. Hey, it's like a dukes of hazard car there. American jalopy or whatever. It's a jalopy. Something like that. And there's like six in a row.

It might get through this quicker than 70-odd minutes. You'd hope so. We'll see. We'll see anyway. You won't see, but we'll tell you afterwards how we get on. Can I have your attention in the Storm Search Q line and surrounding area. If you are currently towards the back just joining or thinking about joining the Storm Search Q line, your Foxxswain waiting time is 80 to 85 minutes.

That is 80 to 85 minutes from the back of the Storm search queue line. What do you want to do? I'd rather call on a bigger, more exciting ride. Yeah, we've decided that this baby ride ain't working for 80 minutes. What's what are going on? If we do this with every ride we go to, it will never go to any. No, true, but I'd rather like waiting in line

for a big ride that I actually really want to go on than a more family ride that... Okay, fair enough. You know what I mean? It's fun. No offence, mate. Right. Let's get on a roaster coaster.

Yeah, let's get on a big boy. Oh, look at that. Longflume thing. Is that shut? No, that one is the... I don't know, actually. There's certainly running the water on it. I like the whole run-down

run-down themeing. That's cool, look, a shark going through the, it's an amity going through the front of the KFC. As if a shark nado pushed it through or something. You could use that shark because they ran out of chicken. Yeah. Oh, it's a Burger King as well. And a KFC, mate, they got all the mod cards.

All three, do they? I was thinking about getting fast passes, but it turned out that was like... How they have them, do they? Yeah, but it's not, I don't know, it's really expensive. Tidal wave is probably that. This is almost like Disneyland meets like Brighton Pier or something. Yeah, you know what I mean?

This bit is halfway between. I kind of like it. Oh, is that the wings one? That looks good. No, that's, I think that's... Oh, we should go on that one, man. That's Nemesis, I think. Oh, Nemesis, he looks hardcore, man.

That looks gnarly as fuck. Would you want to have a look at Nemesis? The other cues like? Detonator, I don't know what that is. Is that that that... Surely some of these kids are too small to go on Nemesis. Oh yeah. Definitely.

So what's this one? Detonator. Paul, Paul. The Ready Player 1, 4D experience. I would rather eat my own sick than sit through that fucking horrible thing again. So, oh no, that's detonator, the jump up and the air and down thing.

Oh yeah, the drop. I'm not so much into drop. Yeah. We're on Big Easy Boulevard. This is 95 minutes, but we have to join something. Yeah, let's do it. Hey, depth charge is 3rd. 35 minutes, stealth, saw the rides now open, apparently.

45 minutes, detonate, go straight, 70 minutes. Oh shit, wait, is this the, where's the Q start for this one? It's 95 minutes from there. Yeah, but like, there's all, where's the actual, I don't know where the fucking start of it is, end of it is. They go in that way, so it must be here. Right, well, we're going to join a big fucking queue for an hour and a half then. This would be interesting.

Jesus. It's right back there. Wow. Go on then. Yeah. Fucking hell. I guess this is the back of the cube. Fucking out.

All right. We'll see how this goes. Let's look at the map. Where are we? So, we are. Where's... Saw, ghost train, Hyperium. There's the fucking swarm.

We came in that way, didn't we? We went this way, log flew. I don't know where we are, somewhere here. What number is this, Inferno? Oh. I can't even see it on the fucking thing. Oh, there it is G. So wherever G is here?

Yeah. Oh, I thought we were, okay, well, we're right up there anyway. Right, well, okay, so we're going to just... It's a volcano theme. Yeah, same but different. All right, well then we'll just join this queue, and we'll speak to you a bit later. Okay.

It's going to be one of those days, isn't it? It's been three days now, and we've been in the queue. We ran out of food about a day ago. I'm drinking my own pee-pee. And I'm drinking Eli's pee-poo-to. I'm feeding in more sorts of poopie. It's poopie and pee-pee to get us through. But I'm just checking this, because I wanted to know

what the capacity of this ride is per our with numbers, right? Did you find that information? I did. Apparently Nemesis Inferno, which is what we're currently queuing out, is 1,0001. 150 people per hour, allegedly. Wow. That's the theoretical capacity.

That's if everyone gets on and off quickly, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have to say, Paul, we've hit a little moment of going very quickly in the queue here. Have a lot of ground in the last three minutes. Here's what happened, nothing happened there. Family weren't paying intention or were going on to themselves because you going forward to move on. But also, disturbingly saw a whole bunch of school kids definitely under the minimum height requirements. It does look like a bloody good ride, I have to say.

What this one? Yeah. Yeah, it's a sister park ride to the Nemesis, Norton Towers, isn't it? So is it sort of like a replica of Vaxilomi or? I don't know. I'm looking at the Wikipedia. This looks like it's got loads of like inversions all sort of close to the grounds. It's that kind of style.

It's a steel, inverted roller coaster. Inverted. Oh, it's right. Oh, it's right. Yeah, the thing. Cost 8 million. It cost 8 million, is right? Wow.

For facts. And it replaced Mr. Rabbit's tropical travels. Yeah, that sounds like it, doesn't it? Get out, Mr. Rabbit, you're fucked. But it's all got this whole extreme thing, has a very sort of 90s coded vibe these days, even though this was mostly built in the 2000s. Yeah, well, was this?

2003 it opened. Okay, still... 90s adjacent. Still 90s adjacent. Yeah. But... I'm looking at the British. or the UK's tallest.

Tallest. Tallest over there. It's actually given me the fear thinking about it. That's why I think we should do it next. It's going to be the next long as fucking cute. You invert on the way up, the big loop and then you... No, you don't invert, but you do twist. You twist.

You would invert if you went upside down underneath the arch. Okay, I see what you mean. This one twisted to go over the top of it. Yeah. But that makes it look more terrifying because you come over the top. Yeah. So it's like a massive drop. Yeah, yeah. Plus a sort of... Ah, it just looks.

It looks so fun. For me, the worst bit is not the drop, it's the whale. As far as I think the anticipation of going up like that is. I hate the bit where it goes just over the top like most people. I don't hate, I kind of love, but. Q jumping is not tolerated. Cutting in front of people. Yeah, no, no one's going to do anything about it, though,

because we're all British. Anyway, it's a 750 meter long track this. That's themed around an erupting tropical volcano. OK, so we get to see the eruption, do you, once you're on the ride? The ride stands 29 meters tall. features the top speed of 50 miles per hour and has four inversions.

Only 50 miles per hour? It's how fast enough. It's when you're close to the ground, it just looks fast, doesn't it? It's like when you're in a go car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're on the air to the ground, you feel like you're going faster.

Well, I suppose roller coasters, on the whole, sort of take advantage of those, the paradoxes of speed, actual speed versus perceived speed, you know? Well, that's why, like, inverted roller coasters, not inverted, indoor roller coasters. they can be quite meek, but because it's in the dark, there's a whole sense of like...

You get more thrill. Yeah. You don't know weird. There must be a whole science of it of putting the thrills in, you know, and the perception of speed in. Oh, did you know, by the way, in 2004, this theme park, this ride set the record for most naked people

on a roller coaster. Oh, I hope they cleaned it since then. 81 students, that's disgusting. 81 students took part... All naked. I bet they had to hose it down for weeks. I don't know. I think they...

No, it says they just burnt all the seats. Oh yeah. So yeah. So they must have closed the park or whatever. You can't just have that happen. Can you? No, though they had to probably put, you know, wrapped out. What do you think of the pre-show? There is none, basically.

No, the pre-show would be the last five minutes as we get close to that. Oh, you think it will be? Yeah. We're just underneath where the... The lift-up. So that's not an inversion because... It is. But this is an inverted...

No, it's still an inversion because you're basically set over gravity rotates as you go over. Oh, that's what an inversion means. But it's an inverted style which means you basically, when it's the right way... Let's see. And the outside! Yeah. What's that one over there? This 90 minute, wait will be worked. The 30 seconds are on the ride.

Is it 30 seconds? I mean, no. It's about a minute. It's about a minute a bit. Them's the brakes. Well, it's still kind of fun, isn't it? isn't it? No, but that's more parts of experience.

You know you have to queue for a one or two minute experience. What was the longest cue when Disney would land? No, it was in the Adela Jones when we were on that. But still great ride. It's a fucking great ride. Great ride. It would have been quicker if it hadn't been shut down for whatever, I was half an hour.

The fact that it opened it all was fortunate. It was usually when that ride stops, it had opened it for a long time. It's a very complicated ride. Yeah, it's like, that's what they call a covered coaster or whatever, isn't it? isn't it? No, officially speaking, it's just a flat rider. Oh, I didn't have many, many sort of things. It used kind of illusions to give you the feeling of depth.

But there's no inversion, there's no rail system, it's on a track. There are like some blocks. That's just the gigaw for the gimbal. So the actual bed of riding on stays flat, smooth, but the car twists and turns on top of that. Okay. There is the next one. All right, so they're launching every little while or so. 15 people every minute and a half, basically.

Something like that. And here we go, we're going to move. It looks like we're just about to squidge up a bit here. Well, I'm glad we had that little bit of a walkie-poohs volcano. What? No point going, it's like watching Netflix. No, because then we're not going to do anything. Yeah, not watching Netflix and just looking at the...

Watching YouTube, but everyone else's experience. While I sit you on my knee and give you the sensation of horsey ride. You know when you see those videos and like a guy puts his cat into a basket? I was getting feet from next time. or a baby, you know, in a basket and they put in front of a big TV of a roller coaster. And pretend the baskets going up the thing and then, I love that.

Why would you do that with a cat? You'd have to have a cat with a certain kind of temperament. It's just because I saw a recent video where someone did to the cat. Was the cat enjoying it? Yeah, it looked like it. Because a lot of cats would just be like, yeah, no, no mate.

The cat didn't know what was going on. He drugged the cat for content, man. You never know, right? Yeah. When you see all these ghost hunting videos like, oh, my little daughter's talking to something and doing weird shit, and you think, You split your kids for your stupid fucking TikTok.

You scumber. You haven't started the voice? I started watching this Instagram. This guy's got an Italian-American dad. I mean, he must be Italian-American. He just pranks his dad by just... His dad gets so angry. So how are you still living there?

You know? I don't understand. He must give his dad a cut of the fucking money you get to it. But it's like a really American, Italian-American. So it's... It adds. Yeah. a great spot right here for the noise quality.

You'll make up for just the Hyperion. I think that'll be perfect. That's the record breaker, isn't it? Well, it's also the one where we don't have to worry about looping upside down and the mic's coming off or something. Has it got no inversions? It just goes up and over and down. That's the whole ride.

Ah, because it's a huge loop, but yeah, that's it. Yeah. I guess they just built it to be the biggest sort of, to put one, keep it helpful. A lot of these rides are just that. Yeah. Fast up, high, drop, down. Yeah, yeah.

But this one does look very good. Beasely, yeah. Beasely good. Beastly good. Right, anyway, that's your, I don't even know how far into the queue we are, but this is the Q update. Thank you, signing off. Bye bye. So it's been about an hour and we're finally walking through.

Here we go. Thank you. No, it's not been too bad. Hour and 20 it's been. That's about right. Yeah, it was going to be an hour and 35 minutes, I think, was the prediction. So look, here we are. Maybe we've got another 10 minutes or so, but yeah.

We're ascending. Ascending the Sturt of the Volcano. This mountain reminds me of the goat enclosure at London Zoo. Oh, I? Goat Mountain, I think they called it. Not the best Disney ride, goat mountains, to be fair. No, it's not a ride. No, I know.

I know. And you want to go on that then, do you? I think we should try the Walking Dead one, because that's got the shortest queue right now. But we'll see what happens when we finish. Well, do you see the Burger King over there? You're going to do that? I want to try that one as well.

It's not a ride, though, is it? It's a ride into my belly. It's your belly. I saw someone had some nugs in the queue and I saw the nug and I thought, Nog. All right, well if you want to get your noug on, you'll all the welcome to. We'll just go to the baby king briefly on our way to the next one, yeah? All right, shirts and shoes must not be warm.

Oh look, that's where they've shut down one over there. Loose items, mobile phones are not permitted on the right, that's fine. Blah blah blah, blah. Stick it all in my bag. No problem. Oh yeah, we're high up now. Oh yeah, we're high up now so we can see most of the coaster. It really is really low to the ground and really twisty turny.

Yeah. And that's fine. How far are we into the ride? Is it just there? Would you say this is quite a modern coaster in terms of the design? I mean, it's 20 years old. Yeah, but in terms of like the style. Yeah, it's one of the more modern.

Right. Yeah. But I think they're right. So I'm going to tell us to all this off and put it away because I'm pretty sure we'll have to anyway. So we're going to do that now. So here you go. Update. We're getting on soon. The back, who is your son? Two please.

Seven. The back, she says. Very well. I actually don't mind that because front or back's the best. With the back, you get a better drag and drop. Oh, it's going to be good if you do. I will laugh. I want to be allowed to laugh for you if that happens.

Here we go. I've been saying here we go for like 20 minutes. But also, these things be back. You're part of now relock to reach me from behind. So it might be that. There's a computer on board that checks the weight and the balance of distribution. It's crazy, but it'll tell you where you need to swap people around.

If you indeed need to. It looks like it, yeah. That would be another monster. Please place your head back and press yourself. Rick? One member of your coach? Yeah, I'm going to do it. There we go.

Hey, thank you. Our bags are at the bottom right, they see them. Watch my bindle. Have you ever been on one of these? Have you never? Have you never been on one of these before? on this extreme. Eli, we're gonna have a...

I can now say it, here we go. You probably won't get flung off. First dip coming down now. Oh, oh. That little kind of weird corkscrew thing. Yeah. Oh. That was so fun.

You're just getting flung into the air. Yeah. Oh, that was good. Oh, man. I want to do again. I want to do again. I want to do again. I want to do again.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Right. I mean... I was having a bit of a moment. Did you? Oh yeah, I'm recording. So I have no idea what you heard then or how good it was, but Eli and I were on that.

How are you? Oh, I'm a bit shook up, Paul. That's my first really... That's the most intense coast I've ever been on. Really? Yeah. I don't go to theme parks usually. No, fair enough.

But I thought if you have, you would have done something like that. No. No. That is the most... intense coast I've ever been on. That's super cool. Those, I don't know if they call it a corkscrew, whatever those with them. It's an inversion corkscrew, yeah. Crazy that what they can do within the inverted format.

It feels like that's like one of the, that's built for just pure adrenaline. It is. There was a huge buzz I got on the first major drop off the war kill. Before it does the looper loop and then it goes straight round and swings into the corkscrew. And I was like, that bit, yes, that. That bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that loop to loop, inverted loop to loop into the corkscrew,

and you're just like, fuck, I don't know if I'm going to live through this. Love it. Honestly, I think I'm a bit of a generally drunken when it comes to stuff like this. Because I just can't get enough of that feeling. Right, let's check the board and see what rides we've got available. Okay, but I really do want to do the world's biggest. I know, but right now it's two hours and the walking dead one is, well, it was 40 minutes a little while ago. Yeah, right, actually.

I'm going through the gift shop now. I'm going to see if there's a pin badge. I'm going to try and get pin badges of the rides I go on. How about that, Fagannon? If I can find any. Can you see any? I'm actually a bit fucking dizzy right now. Just generally a bit like, oh.

Where's the pins? Give me the pins. No, that's socks. Sox. Oh no, they're over in the corner. Got them. Yeah. I want my pins

Get my pin Right, we're going to figure out What our next riders Right, what have we got here We got a dangly train one We've got a banana thing Don't know what else we've got Is that it?

Inferno, yeah, that's it Is that Inferno? It's meant to be the hanging Cars from the front I'll grab that one there Well this is why what I might do Is get this one now But then get the rest of them

On the gift shop on the way out Because there's gonna I'm not that into that I'm gonna get this one Right, okay cool We'll see you in a bit We are now queuing up for The Walking Dead, the ride, the roller coaster. So we were on Inferno Dementia. What's it called?

I've got dementia. I can't remember. It is Inferno. Nemesis Inferno. Nemesis Inferno. The name's Inferno. Nemesis Inferno. I would give that 7.5 out of 10. I'll go 8.2 or something. 8.2. It was definitely the most intense, like I was saying to you, that I've ever been on. went for a whopper at Burger King, which is one of the most intense Burger Kings I've ever been in.

Yeah, this was a lot of a Mac Frill Ride. It was a crazy swarm. There's people screaming numbers, like thousands of youth, swarming for burgers. I just kept a level head and it only took five minutes, isn't it? No, you've gone for 15. 15 minutes. That still isn't the end of the world. No, it's not.

But it was kind of like, a little bottom of head and it was like, yeah, that's your problem. The most fucking annoying thing was... What? It wouldn't let me buy a soft drink. They were saying item unavailable to every single drink, but one more than water. Honestly, probably the better choice anyway when you think about it. Because, um,

Coke is refreshing in the moment, but it's not good long term in terms of like hydration and shit. No. So anyway, I don't think about this ride. It's covered though. It's an indoor one. I want to go to this one. Yeah.

But we selected it because of the relatively short wait time, right? 55 minutes is said, but it looks like it's moving. Looks like it's going to be okay. But apparently this also has elements of a dock, haunted house actors going, ugh. And you've got to go, oh no, not a zombie. Oh no, not a zombie. Oh no, not a zombie.

Oh, come, it's the worst thing that could happen. Oh, they're not a zombie. But what if they touch you and you like lash out in fear and smack them in their head or so. I think there are laws where it's like they can't actually touch you. I don't think they're allowed to actually touch you. They sort of loom up at you. I tell you what my observation is from this theme park,

the number of girls around the age of 50 or 60s. It's crazy. No, absolutely hoovering food. It's like, I've seen those girls over just behind just went to McDonald's and came out with like bags of chips and burgers and then they're like throwing skittles down their mouth. Yeah. Going crazy for it.

So apart from that, I don't know anything. My dad wants me to go on a Zenpig. Did I tell you that? What kind of rides that? What's the queue like for it? Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, no, you told me that. I did tell you, yeah.

And apparently my partner's mother's got some dodgy a Zem Pig off the fucking back of a lorry. I wouldn't do that. No. But my dad's always been kind of obsessed with weight loss. Yeah. Because he was a large guy through periods of his life. Right.

So he said to me, oh, you don't want to do it because it'll hurt your bones, it'll hurt your joints, being overweight. I'm like, yeah, but I'm not as overweight as you used to be, Dad. No, really? I'm saying, no. I mean, I'm overweight, but I'm not like... And you're not obese? I'm not. I'm not super obese, so... Weirdly, you've got that kind of frame that carries it.

Yes. But also hide the potential negative health issues you may have. Perhaps. But I don't have wanted to just jump onto his MP, just because my dad's... No. Because you don't know, I mean, like, the reason why they say go and get a doctor's opinion is because you don't... Yes. I'm going to have adverse.

That's what I will do anyway. But, yeah. I should go to the doctor anyway. Well, you should do? Have those last time you went for an appointment of any kind? Oh, just the other... That doesn't include just getting your asthma updated. Just last month I had a...

A full top and tail MOT. No, no, a meeting with the nurse. Oh, okay. I'm due an MOT. I want the whole lot. I want fingers... Up and I have fingers up by my arm before? No.

Well, that's not true. I have had a long history of medical problems to my arm. the years and I've had more knuckles up there than fucking Freddie Mercury's 40 birthday party. I need it to happen don't I. It's a rites of passage as a middle-aged man that I have to go through. Dad, your colon tumbled with. Just my rectum probed by some glove wearing free... I mean, I'm no expert, but I'm enthusiastic hobbyist, so I can give you my opinion if you want. What's the best thing to do? Just go...

I don't know, just to imagine that you're... On a nice day. 1982 and have a good time. Was that particularly bummy year? Yeah, didn't you know it was the year of bums? No, it was. No, it wasn't. Bumage sounds so wrong. I went to a nightclub last night, all the bummage.

In fact, you don't hear people referring to Anglo-sex as bumbing much this days, do you? Not as how, it's kind of a lost art. I'm sure it's not a lost art. I'm sure people have... Oh, no, they've been doing it for years. People are still doing it? You know. There's names for everything.

Like they call Tramps Bums. They do, yeah, in America. And bumming about means something different there. Bumbed out? Yeah. It's a very widely used little swear word, isn't it? I got bombed out by everything that was happening to the political society. Yeah, you get bummed out by politics for sure.

Did it, da da da da da da da, da, bum. Apparently, Fort Park, when it opened Saw the Ride, I don't know, early 2000s, maybe mid-2010, maybe, so I can't remember now. Right. First ever, horror and horror rollerclists are based on a movie IP. Oh. Or horror movie IP specifically. That's surprising, isn't it?

Yeah. Because you'd think they've been doing that forever. Horror never used to be as mainstream, I guess. No, not really. The best you got was the old ghost trade, right? The Walking Dead really made zombies very much more mainstream. I know they're on that trajectory, but that helped, didn't it? It was a multi-decade fucking long.

It's still going in some research. Is it? Is it? Yeah, there's spinoffs and movies and all sorts. I think I watched the first season. I thought, yeah, yeah, yeah. It outstained it's welcome, if you asked me, and became like a misery fest type show? Yeah.

The first season I thought, yeah, but then it's just like, I still prefer Night of the Living Dead or like, you know. No. Well, when the second season spends like half of the fucking runtime, just sitting in a shed complaining in this farm, you think, so nothing's going to happen to you, kill a bunch of people off at the end, right? Yeah. So anyway, the ride said 50 minutes we can only hope. It looks like it just goes in there, but then after that it might be a different experience. It might be a whole other bunch of pre-show stuff, yeah.

But, you know, we'll find out, I guess. Well, that wouldn't mind a bit of pre-show, because there was very little on Inferno, was it? It's all business. It's all business. That is all business at roller coaster then. It is. Get in, get off, go on, get off, go on. Yeah.

Business. Get dizzy. Is this music from the actual show, you think? Probably. It would make sense, right? This might be ruining your audio. Is it ruining your audio? I mean, I don't know.

This episode got struck on YouTube a number of times. Because are you singing? No, because I was using that piece of music from an old 1950s, a gangster show or something. Oh, right. It's called 426 or something. It's a famous kind of jazz crime piece of music. They strike, then what do you have to do after that?

Well, I just said it's been used for statistical. purposes. Okay. But it still needs we can't make money on it on YouTube but we never did anyway so we give two shit. But it's when they start actually trying to take down the channel. That's the problem. We're not going to get there. No? Yeah, I don't think so. Okay. What's you saying? It's part of the atmosphere, isn't it? He's saying, oh, zombies. Look out for zombies. Mother, zombie. So far the experience of the ride is exactly like the TV series and that it's a really really long drawn outpouring affair with a little bit of action at the end to keep you

coming back next time and that's the point I'm ending this section on because we're just going to stand there rambling otherwise we're going to stop it filling music right so we're in the TP safe zone registration holding bay we're going to drop our bags off and then I believe it to walk about you think it's a little pre-show dog now do me take your mic off and I'll do what I did last time do you want to do that can give it a go okay just to get again so we've got one just in case we end up losing one of the mics so that hasn't been that was a much shorter weight wasn't it oh yeah it's been like what 40 minutes yeah something like that

something like that good good uh good idea to go on this one uh yeah we're gonna we're gonna swap to one mic now and i'm gonna hide it see if we can sneak through so we have to put our bags in all no loose items no loose items apart from uh or moxie my bollocks they're very loose and jangly these days and very small. They're not small. They're not small. They're not small?

You're always playing down your bollocks, aren't you? They're too saggy, they're too small. It's deflection. It's because they're now knee knockers. Clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, Mr Silverman. Clack, Mr Silverman. Let's shut up and get these on. We're going in. The next you'll hear is me on my own mic now.

Hello, hello. All right. That was Eli, biting my tip. He's got a zombie tip like a fetish. No, I was just trying to make a zombie noise into the mic. Oh. Alright, I got it. I'm fixing it.

Again, I don't know how this will sound in the edit, so apologies if it sounds bollocks. But we're going in soon. Keep going, the only thing here for you is trouble. Oh, look, water come out. There's drippy drips. I like that. I think this has been off.

That one looks good as well, isn't it? Isn't it? A classic old-school rollerblowers, you know? Maybe I should think about that. It keeps not too bad after this. As I say, all we can do is get off this. Yeah. And then see, what is it there?

That might be on the map, might not. Where is it gone? I'm looking on the map. So we are there, so it must be that. Z. Zodiac. Action. Defy gravity on this spinning sensation.

Is it? Is it? Is it? It looks like it, you're right, I don't know. It might be that one. What's that one? P? I don't know.

High striker, yeah. High stroker? Oh, no, that's a tower ride. Oh, well then that's not that. It's probably the, there to go right on. It's been nothing. It's cool, it's like a couple of inversions. I've had aversions a lot today.

Have you noticed that? Yes. It's all about the inversions and the negative G. That was an inverted roller coaster. Yeah. I don't think I've been on one of those. We didn't do one in LA, did we? No, because Disney doesn't really have anything like that.

We had the Matamoron, which was cool. What else did we go on? Indiana Jones. Yeah, but actually, didn't go... Mine car. We aren't on the runaway train. Yeah, that's a roller coaster. But doesn't have any inversions or looped. No, I mean, the Mount...

The Mount... The Mount... It's quite old-school, isn't. Oh, yeah, but it's... It seems like the early 60s. There's a discussion that they're having now about how long that rider's left. Oh really? Just because of structural integrity, age, all of that stuff.

Maybe they could just build a new version. Not as easy. Uh, too. Thank you. Right, we're going in, I'm going to hand my bag in. Just handing our bags in. Oh, that's nice. Sorry?

Are you going together? Yeah, we're together if you want to put them together. Yeah, cool, go for it. Thank you. Thank you very much. Cool. Oh, I'm number one. Hey.

Survivors went here. Your time will come. Yeah, well, I know why you're doing that when you lean forward. But everyone looking at me thinks you're just going to bite my turn. I'm something on the, look, I'm number one. Say I'm your number one.

Something like that. I've got a little bracelet with the number one. I'm going to keep this. I don't want my back's back. I'm going to keep this. We go. Right, we're going in. Pre-show.

So we're in a pre-show room. Infection. Be smacked? That would be a great ride if everyone had got on in first, had to have their pants, pulled down and smacked. Are you the actual show? I don't know. Honestly, it's probably not.

It's probably not. Probably people who worked on the ride. What are your thoughts? Part of me is genuinely curious to see what the ghost trades like. Not because I want it to rate it, but I get the feeling. That all the videos I've seen on YouTube about it doesn't come across how crap it is in real life. Welcome to the Thorpe Park Safe Zone. You know that you've been on the road for a while.

But before you can enter the safe zone, you need to answer three questions. You are the back. How many walking you can kill? Too ready to camp. How many people do you kill? Two. Why? Yes, we're going to breathe the same down. Balls over. We've got two millions in the holding bed.

We need to move them to the bomb. Now, they can't have been questioned yet. Maness. Walking in the dark. I saw me. Louie Toon's face. Go flashing. Look at that car in that place.

I went right straight into the wall. So right now me and Eli are waiting to board what I think is the roller coaster part now. I'm not quite sure, yeah, we're going in. Right, so now we're just waiting to board the agile car. 11. Two please. Row one. Row one, thank you.

We're now boarding it. Right the front this time. As it should be. He's going to come down? Oh yeah. Push that right into my... You shouldn't have done it so far. The problem is, oh, I need a week.

I might have a puddle. Fixed it, that's good. Put it down all the way, you know? I think I put it a bit too far because that nearly was a bladder burst. I left a little bit of barely, belly space. Bally space. It's full of Burger King as well, so. Here we go.

I'm going through the Whopper. So I'll open the Whopper. So all they ordered a normal waffle, it gave me a bacon and cheese one. Right, we're going, oh. Hello flashing, green lights. It smells a bit farted. Like fart spray party. Yeah, fart spray.

The walk out as long as the ride. Oh, it does smell fatty. No sanctuary, everyone turns. That was like taking the finchly fucking underpass. Yeah, I enjoyed it. That was fun. I enjoyed it. I was fucking stupid.

It was really very much a sort of combo roller coaster and ghost house. Yeah, it's fun. Hello. Thank you very much. It would have improved it for me as if some zombie touched my face or something like that. Yeah, like that, yeah. Thank you very much. Right, right, we're out in the fresh air now.

Eli, what would you rate that? Um, if the... We'll go seven. We'll go seven. It wasn't really... It was quite fun, quite fast, but in terms of the roller coaster aspect, it's nothing I haven't experienced before many times. And, you know, the whole, so it's a seven, it's fun, it's well solidly done.

What would you say? I would largely agree. I think it's one of those rides that as a roller coaster is very simple, very sure, and it's kind of overcompensated with just all the fucking noise. It's like one of those roller coasters you get the end of piers, you know, like all compacted in to a small space and winding, you know what I mean. Right, so I don't know what we do next, by the way. I go for wee-wees.

Oh, there's the ladies there. I know the poop deck first mate's cabin. I think the gents is around this side. Poop decks will go for a poop. Yeah, there's the gents. Well, you go do that, and I'm going to pat this microphone away and make a next decision. So that was our experience of walking dead the ride. I don't know what you'll think of that, frankly.

So we are near the arse end of the cupisor. the ride it's about about 45 minutes into this queue wait yeah yeah well I think we're right near the end now once you get into the building it's not too long of a walk around bit of a haunted house walk around kind of thing but that's it really it's a little bit quicker than they said it was going to be then or feels quicker because I was saying to you Paul when we first arrived and it was like an hour and a half wait for the inferno what's it called demented inferno you wonder you remember the name of that ride and I'm not going to help you until then.

Intenso. Nemesis. Nemesis. Inferno. There we go. Good point. And it was like an hour and a half and we were like, an hour and a half. And then by the third ride, which is also an hour and a half queue, we're like, oh yeah, it's all right, walking apart, mate. You get completely conditioned to it. These massive weights, don't you? It's weird. That's the thing about theme box, so you have to build in that most of your time here is going to be waiting and queuing to wait for things to wait for, to queue. Not a pleasure wood hills when I was at university. We were just running around. We had the

run of the place. Yeah. I bet it's different now if even exists anymore. Do you reckon it exists? I think it does, yeah. That's nice if it does. Much smaller than this, of course. This is the second biggest in Britain, isn't it?

Don't know. Honestly, I have no idea. Olden Towers is the biggest. This and can you guess which the other big one is? Do you say Otten Towers? Yeah. Chettington? Lego Land.

Oh yeah, Lego. Lens are Lego Land, yeah. But I'd never want to go Lego Land because it's just way too for young kids. Unless you've got like a family We'd get no one. Any three thrill rides, none, okay, yeah. They have a little roller coaster, but it's a family coaster. They have a little this, that the other one.

Honestly. It's fucking Lego, isn't it? Chestington World of Adventures. Does that have any thrill rides? Yeah. It does. It's more family, but it has got the odd... Okay.

More adult ride. This has been solid teenager. It has been tween hell. There's some people who are sort of vaguely more like our age. Yeah. They've got kids. They're here for that. So I'm going to try and, as again, sneak in my little microphone onto the ride.

And you can hear the cacophony of noise of whatever that ends up being. Oh, yeah, there's a next load going in. So, yeah, right, we're marching in. Here we go. I don't know if we're going to get into the building, but here. You know what? Here we go. It's been the most frustrating and annoying repetitive thing I've said today.

Well, you are Mr. Repetra. And I can edit this out, I guess. Whoopsah, Daisy. How's your father? Mother's your love. Bing bong. Diddley do dae. All of your things.

All the little, she was fucking mouth quirk. Shit, I do. Like, here we go. Now it gets a little bit spooky in here. Now you'll see all the booby traps. I think, see why they went for sore because it's a lot of corrugate iron. Yeah, like walking dead.

Like walking dead. It's like walking dead. They like post-apocalyptic. It's in the post-apocalypse. People just build shit with bits of iron and everything looks like an abattoir. How are we going to keep the budget down? I'm just going to go to skip.

I'll go to skip and get a load of shit. From the dump. Whereas, if you've got to do sci-fi, that must be the opposite end. Yeah. So that's why you're not going to see a huge load of... Star Wars. Yeah.

Also, you need to pay them for the IP. Well, that's why the Universal Park, when it opens, is going to be interesting. because Star Wars University. No, no, no, but they'll have loads of IP ride which will be a massive drawl, won't it? Oh yeah, no. There'll have to be a Harry Potter park. Yeah, sadly. So do you think that will hurt these, these, uh, so? It will either draw more overall tourism to this area of the country, which means maybe they'll benefit. But, you know, this is Merlin up against Universal Studios now.

The big points. But Merlin, what else? Do they have other things in different parts of the world? Well, they have madame two swords and shit. Oh yes, because they brought... I saw when I threw them on the wheel. There's two swords brought this back in the early 2000s. Two swords were the ones who were responsible for the big regeneration of this park, basically. But then they were absorbed by...

I know, right? That's where the whole... You know, you have to keep people coming to the park, so you have to add new riots. You can't add new riots because you can't afford it because you're down to... You have to invest, so it's all... Maybe it could shut down.

It seems quite well-lighted this park. Yeah, but numbers are down. Closest to Logan? The easiest. Numbers are down, but that's why Merlin offer you deals now where you get a ticket for this place but then go to Old Tower and sit for free. Yeah.

Nice. Yeah. So. I can see him with his mask. Does Jigsaw wear the mask? No, that's an animatronic toy that has nothing to do with Jigsaw. Oh.

So what does he have to do with the law of the films? What's the toy called? Bless you. Timothy Simpleton's... No. I don't know what it's called. It's probably got a name, but the idea is that it's an avatar for the actual serial killer. And so when people think they're talking to the serial killer, they talk to this little marionette that he uses.

Okay. And the serial killer is Jigsaw? Yeah. And he's played, but he has a face in him. Yeah, but he gets killed off in the third film, and then they somehow kept bringing him back. The third film? Yeah.

Right. The timeline of the saw films, I cannot get into. It's actually crazy how multiple films take place at the same time or in different timeframes or one took place yesterday or another one took place two days later while that's going on. And my brain's going, how the fuck does he afford to own all these warehouses and build all these booby traps? It's just what he does. It's just how he kills time. Yeah, I reckon we'll get on this before five, if not on the dot.

But I think we're getting close so I'm going to stop yatterin and put this on my little secret place. which is near me titi so if anyone's listening at home once I know where this sounds coming from it's coming from my titty and you were biting on that before so you should shut up other two work on but you want to say here we are now on single gallon microphone again again apologies I don't know how the sound's gonna sound but bear with us you're coming on saw the ride with me and Eli Do do, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Stop eating my tit.

Everyone's going to think you got a tip for obsession. I do. He likes me titty. Not you titty. You like my titty. No. Rule two, Eli, follow instructions. You'll be assigned a number.

This ride. It's not the best ride in the world, but I do love this ride. You've been on this? A couple of times. Oh, right? Yeah. Mostly 20 years ago, so it might have changed it's there. I don't think so.

Well, it might be rough a ride. Don't. They age. I don't want to hurt my day. Just loosen up, baby. Loose and loose. Go free and easy do, down. I want to get myself one of those measuring size poles.

You can know it automatically how to lose 1.4 meters. Exactly what I need to do. know funding is 1.4. You know, I haven't seen another park where someone's actually has those sticks. Because there's bloated little kids trying to get on these fuckers. That's probably why they are, too. You want to put our backs together? Hello. Just put these together.

Thank you very much. All right you guys. Thank you. Uh, yeah, two please. Three, thank you. Right in the front. Oh my God. Perfect. Perfect for this ride.

Cool. A little bit nervous. This is the one to be nervous about because that first is, First, is it incline? Yeah. Yeah. That's, it's really unsetting, to be flat back, and then know you're going to go right over past, past the dip. Oh, yeah.

Keep your arms and legs inside the car. Oh shit. Is this, oh God? Oh, God. Yeah. Just can't find my bloody hands. No, it's loose. That feels real loose to me, don't you think?

Oh, kid. Oh, there he is. he is. What the countdown clock means? What Jimmy Chinchin? Little Timmy Bertle Boy. He's not called Little Timmy Bertle Boy. He probably does to be fair.

I just don't know it right now. Cheeky Max the Tinker. Oh here we go mate. Here we go. And so we're going to drop down to these spikes now. Oh my God! Oh shit, I forgot about that! Just a severe drop.

I haven't even started. Oh. I forgot that first straw. Oh, mate. I hope you're ready. I actually can't look up in it. No, but like, oh, okay. Now I actually kind of am. Oh shit. We're going up and we're going real real fast. Oh shit. I'm we going right over the top. Here we go. Oh, oh. Oh. I mean by that's a bit more intense than the other one. Oh! It's going on the vertical, going up. See that you're doing that at the back?

Yeah. I'm just going to pull it. Yeah. Wow. That was saw the ride. I've got to get my bag. Oh yeah. Oh my word.

Have a moment to think. Thank you. There you go. I think we go out this way, mate. Hang on, hang on. I've got to take this off and do it with the thing. Hang on. Still recorded. Right, we're off the ride, Eli. Fucking hell, man. I've never been on a more scary coast of my life.

Really? Never. Oh, I love it. I fucking hell that was intense. Right. That was about twice as intense as the fucking inferno. Fuck me. It's those sudden drops that I've forgotten about. Those drops. Those inverted drops.

You're just like, ah! I was like, I'm going to close my eyes. Ah! I shouldn't close my eyes. Jesus, but I know you mean about the rattle. The necklattle. It's like, because your body tenters up because you're like, I've got to hold on tight, right? And also the other thing I found fucking terrifying was on the vertical rise.

I felt like I was falling back out, out of the back of the seat, you know? Fuck me, that's scary as fuck. And I love the fact, I completely forgot that before they even ride, even start, do you have that big drop into spikes? And then that's slowed up. Yeah, yeah.

I loved it. I loved, I see why I like that ride? Yeah, yeah. It's fun. That's a brilliant roller coaster. Brilliant. You can see why it's got a good. Look at that though. Fucking hell. I know. It's just intense. It's so fast. Oh, I love that. I'd want to go on it again. It's only 40 minutes now. You're right.

Could. I could go on it again. No, no, no. I'm going to get a pin badge from this shop. So let me turn this off, Mike off, and then we'll come back and do a thing. We'll figure out what we'll do it last. Such a long wait time because that does look like a really fun ride. The Hyperia, yeah. Yeah.

I don't know, man. That saw one is scary shit. Yeah, so telling the audience, to play catch-up, we got off the saw ride. Oh no, they listen to it, hopefully. They probably know. Well, they know something. Well, yeah. They heard something that happened, hopefully.

I don't know how useful any of that is. No. I do get that you feeling that this podcast is going to be... Ah! Noise, noise, there me going. So how did you feel that went? Wow, that is easily the most intense roller coaster I've ever been on. It's funny as well because I say I don't think it's like the best roller coaster

of the world by a large margin. It's a good one though. But it is a really good one. Yeah. And it really delights in like... In torturing you. It's like the sword, you know, it's like... There's shock.

It's like it has all these hidden drops and like negative G moments and things. Yeah. It's got jump scare, the equivalent of jump scares basically. Because it's weird because I've completely forgot. I knew there's a little ghost trainee segment at the beginning where you see the doll and then you move around. But then you go straight into the spikes vertically. Vertically. That I completely forgot.

I was like, wait, that wasn't here. Oh, I'm going towards it. You know, I think that is an, that is a more than vertical bit as well. Yeah, and it feels like, yeah, it's almost vertical dropped that into the spikes. Well, more than vertical because it goes, yeah. It twists, you know, into the... And then it went into that slow spiral, which really weirded me out, because my brain was like, we're not going fast as if you get through the spiral, are you?

Yeah, I felt like I'm going to fall out the top because it's going so slow that I've got no G keeping me, you know what I mean? Yeah, nothing holding me into the chair. It's scary. And also, when it was doing the vertical, rise, the lift up. Yeah. I felt like I was falling off the back out of the back of the thing. It's really scary.

When you go up a vertical lift like that, it's so unnatural that you just feel vulnerable until you get to the top. You really do. You really do. And then because it like goes right over the top and then drops and it goes back down. That bit, you go basically vertically up, which is really unnerving. Yeah. And then you go into this more than vertical drop into a straight into an inversion. As you come out at the end of the inversion, you go out, the end of the inverted.

version you just corkscrew yeah it's fucking so intense man I love it honestly I love that ride yeah it's a great ride especially that bit oh that is a great ride it just gives me all those emotions I like I like to express with the screaming and the oh it's nice it gets it out of your system weird well it's super quiet now we must be near the end of the day well yeah because like as I say it closed up at six see I'm not I'm not like a drop ride bullshit so that's the biggest That's the one, that's what I'm saying. That just goes up and comes down again, basically.

That's it. No inversion. I mean, let's have a look at times on the board, because we're going up to the old board. We seem to be floating around Nemesis most of today, weirdly. Yeah. Look, there's no one, and they've shot Nemesis. Have they?

No, I just saw it, didn't I? Well, maybe, I don't know. Banana, Rye, Flying Fish, Monkey Ride. There, five minutes and for kids. Close, quantum, surge, deep charge, big easy bumpers. Not interested in that page either. Next, what have we got? What have we got next?

Hyperia, 105 minutes. Neme, that stealth, 45 would be a good one. Okay, so we do that. Swarm or Colossus. Swarm's 40 minute, Colossus. Tidal wave, rush. So there's a few that are like 45 minutes. Whatever we pick though, it's gonna be the last one we do.

So what would you like to do? I don't know. Well then let's just stand here until six and go. No, no, let's go on. Swarm. What do I do like a long-frey? Swarm's the wing one. Bingoam.

No, no. Let's do big surge or whatever it's called. What's that? A watery one. Storm surge. Yeah. Hold on tight as your life raft spins out of control. That's that one we saw we were coming in, wasn't it?

Let's see what the weight is for storm surge. Oh, I do. Big one. Let's just go there. Yeah? Let's just see what it is. I want to go around to Mr Monkey's banana ride. Because I think we should do Swarm.

I think you'd like Swarm. I'm just saying I think you'd like Swarm. Storm Surge, only 15 minute wait. Yeah, but it's just a pipe. We could do that on the way out if we're lucky. All right. You know? If we're going to join a queue, I'd rather join a queue

for something that is going to be over and done with, right? And it'd be a big ride. That way we can grab a quickie on the way out if we're lucky. All right, but how long is the wait? Sorge, it was like 40 minutes, wasn't it? Okay, should we go and do it? Yeah, it's that way.

Let's do it. So we are, hang on, where are we? We're here. So we've got to go... You can hold it the right way. So if we hold it the right way, that's where that big loop thing is there. So we need to go... Yeah, it's past the big loop thing.

Well, actually, no, we need to go... Shp, shhp, shup, shub. Mait, there's no one in the Burger King. I had that fucking trauma of my life. And now there's no one there. Now there's no one there. I got another PIN badge. I can't remember if I said that for the podcast.

It's fucking massive. Look at that. It's huge. You don't even know who that man is called. What's he called? The annoying thing is the price did say, and I didn't even read it. I didn't take it in. Billy Badman?

Billy Bad Boy? Billy Bad Boy. Something like that, maybe. Billy Big Bulls. Billy Big Bulls Bad Boy. Big Bulls Potato. So I've got a saw pin ride. I didn't get a walking dead pin, but nah.

No. We've got Inferno Dement. Got inferno dementor. Got the thermo de mentor one. See there, look, storm surge. Get wet, you get wet. Again, but we can get on the way out for only 15 minutes.

I'm fine with that. Let's go this way, I think. I think. Sweat, swarm. This, yeah. Stealth, swarm. Oh yeah, it's this way. It is the other way.

So we go this way. Eli, it is this way. Okay, sorry. Cheers. Just taking a quick picture together against the, like that. Hang on. You can't see shit.

I know, right. Ready, three, two, one. That's the yellow submarine seen better days. Fazzed it just, fuck me. Right, so we're back in the Amateurville area. Hot dogs, missed out or not dogs? There's the ghost train. Should we decide to grab that on the way back for shits and giggles?

Is this as intense, this winged one? No, certainly not compared to this. This one is more, uh, Hypercoaster. Which is... Fancy, swirly, corks, gruees, roller co-c... It's the same old chair. It's like a more stretched out version of the Nemesis one.

Okay. So with a little bit of luck, we've got to cross over and head to an island, they've built an island for it. Oh, you get wet over here. Yeah. People are just standing around getting wet in the splash zone. Oh, it's a hot day. I don't fuh, blame it.

Oh, oh, I've got a bit of a sprits. Oh, I've got a bit of a sprits. I've got heavy spritzing. Amity cabbs. And the urban spaceman baby. What is that yellow submarine town? I know, right? It looks like they have pulled it out of a deep trench.

Yeah, and it's all crumpled. Oh, crumpled. Right, where about so are we? Because that's the refuel and refill station. Flying fish, which I think is like a tiny little family coaster. Oh yeah, all those little kids in yellow are going in there. They shouldn't have tried to get on the Inferno. Well they obviously must have. They must have. They must have. They must have. You can't. They're too small. They're less than

1.4 meters. Well, maybe they got so far and then got kicked off the ride on mass. There's always a way out if you don't, you know. Yeah. I can't believe people try it. Like if I was less than 1.4 meters and it said you can't ride less you're 1.4 meters. Yeah, you I wouldn't bother. You know what I mean? I don't want to die. Yeah. I felt like I was going to fall out of that one. Honestly, I did. Is this the right way? I kept thinking, this is going to fail. This is going to fail.

Oh yeah, this is it. This is a plane crash. Yeah, because the idea is aliens have attacked. Oh, okay. And you've got to escape through the calamity. When I came here 20 or years ago, this had opened, but it wasn't open on the day we came. Right. So this is kind of a bucket list. I'd like to try this. Okay, cool.

Oh, I love roller coasters. I like them as well, I have to say. I just love that sense of anticipation and payoff. Like with emotion. You get that apprehension, you get that stress. And then you get that utterly primordial release of like anxiety and tension by just going, holy fucking shit. Yeah. Some people just hate that though.

Which is fine. It ruins their day sort of thing, you know. But I think the older I get, the more it feels like it's the only way I can feel anything these days is if I go on a roller coaster. Look at that wing one. All right, we're in the swarm area. Is there an ambulance on its ass? See that? Yeah, I'll take a picture of you in front of the ambulance.

Nice. Love it. So where do we join the queue? Where does one join the queue? Exit only. Is it that way or? I think it is here. It just went from 60 to 70 as I looked at it then.

Oh, shit. But look, mate, I mean, Okay, well it's our last one isn't it? Yeah, I think it would have to let us go on if we get in the queue? Well, they wouldn't, I think they'd either close the queue at this point or not. I'd like, I'd imagine if they were letting people on, they would have gated it by now. I'm not that much above 1.4 meters, am I? No, but you're definitely bored in 1.4.

I'm more, but not a lot. Yeah, you're not the max either, so you're all right. I can be too tall. Yeah, I'd imagine so. So? Wow. Thank you. Oh, wow.

Oh, I don't like it. Oh, it's good stuff. It's good eating. It's good for the emotions. Good to purge. Helicopter crash. Billboard. So we're going to join this queue for what might be our last ride of the day, Swarm.

And then I'm going to try and grab a pin badge or two at the shop home and then we'll leave. You know what I mean? Like if on the way out we can jump on something quick, we'll do it. But if not. I think I've had my fill after this one. Well, maybe we do need a little wet splash ride at the end. Of course, it's possible that they just close the main gates at six. And this is all open until they...

Whatever. Again, another fucking fun fair ride built around calamity and apocalypse. So you don't have to dress it. You just dump a load his shit all over the place. As we've been reporting the implications of this incident in the UK and more specifically the Surrey area are being felt by many pounds. Look it's like a fake news thing she's not actually mentioning anything at all. No.

Any details? This is generic. Yeah, yeah. Thank you very much. The incident. Now for that this, this is terrible. This is a very fast moving story. We can go to the phones.

We have somebody who's able to the... Right, okay, you've heard enough of us. Let's stop this and we'll come back to you. Just before we got the right. I want to hear this phone call. Alright, we'll still hear it. Kieran, hopefully you can hear me. Hello Kieran.

So did you hear or see anything of the sensitive this morning? True. They're just saying nothing. They keep saying nothing. It's just to fill the time. Why are you waiting in the queue? He's like you've been saying I saw Heathrow Airport. Right, so me and Eli, we've been on this queue for about an hour, I think.

You're starting to feel a little bit tired, Bob. I am too, to be fair, so I get it. But this is gonna be the last big e-ticket ride, as they say today. E-ticket. It's a Disney home version. So the top-tier rides, you have to buy an E-ticket. Like there were A, B, rides, C rides, D rides. E with like Haunted Mansion Space Man.

The big kind of illustrious ones. But people talk about rides like this, they say E-ticket because... Haunted Mansion was ruined for us by all the terrible people. well, the fucking idiots taking flash photography on the right when it's like, please don't do that. The one thing you shouldn't do is that. Yeah. I'm gonna tell how many I've streamed at that, Shreed. This has got, um, shut up.

This is got a battle for, battle ground earth or... Oh yeah, I know you mean, yeah. Plan 9. Independence Day. Yeah. Sort of gnarly. Yeah. Nali aliens.

The gimmick behind the swarm is that aliens have taken. The aliens have taken over the whole of the UK and then you go on a roller coaster, something like that. The incident started in the theme park. Vague theme park and no one knows other details, even though it's been a full hour. There's more Q. There's even more Q. On the point you put your bags for your ride? There's somewhere. It must be there. I'm hoping so.

No, there definitely is a place. me as a place oh yeah the little you go off on the same side yeah yeah yeah very muff noodles like air noodle snack what's eh a i a rle relax air max it's a sub-brands it's a type of shit it's got to do with noodle stop stop getting noodles snacks max snacks it says oh i like the t-shirt i want the t-shirt i want the t-shirt stop try children Don't bite me tit and then next to them.

Don't bite it. I went, la, la, la. I don't know what's worse then. I shouldn't go la la la, no. You could go a nibbley no. A nibbley no. Go a bit nibbley no. I would like to go at the front if possible,

but we'll see how it pans out. I don't know. Were we in the front? We were on. On sore? I was so happy that we got to be on front of that. He traumatized me, man. Did it?

I loved it. I was like, I'm going to fall. It is like having someone drag you around. I love it. Oh, they go. Next for crew, lands for the slaughter. Is this the newest one we've been on today? Well, that we've been on, probably, yeah.

Not here though. What's the newest? That of Hyperion or whatever you called it. Yeah, that one. It's a shame. Well, I mean, who knows what happens after this? No, I'm done. I'm done.

You don't even go on a Mr. Happy's Banana Boat ride or whatever. Mr. Banana is six o'clock. I reckon no rides are going to be taking people up after you get off this. Well, who knows? This is past six. All I'm saying, if I could go on, if I could go on Mr. Hippity's wobbly bum-bum ride. This is Banbanus. Bam-Bam ride.

Yeah, Mr. Banana's Bunab. Chuffney's Bananas, Mickle Barbie ride. Timothy Rabbit's Fizzy Biscuit tournament. Fizzy biscuit. Fizzy biscuit troll. How many times have you said that? A lot. Why do you always say fizzy biscuit?

It's because it's that half rhyme, it, biscuit and fizz. What, have you got grumbles on the tum-tons? Yeah. In the lower abdomen. Let's just say, I've been judiciously spreading the mouth, my windies, when people have been screaming as we go past

as the perfect crime. The perfect crime. You do get people who sort of, are coded like Disney adults. It's funny how it's a tour type. It's called the joyous folk. People with love and adventure in their heart. No, I like a feet pump.

Or a lot of feet park. I don't like a feet park. Well, you'd bother go on the ladybird bugs or some, would you? Or the happy caterpillar. You like those rides? I don't. You do. I just am not...

This is the Fizz Grumbles's rickety old guloppy ride. It's what they called. Fizzy Biscuits, Biscuit Fizzies. Mr. Bubbly Biscuit, Rocky Joloppy Ride. You'll be jealous with the opening here next year with my face all over it. See how the control booth is an upside down police. Yeah.

Go right over. Oh, someone lost their hat and gloves on it on the net. Oh, shouldn't have taken them on, no loose items. I'll teach them. Oh, someone dropped her little key. chain or something as well, the detritus. Yeah, but you don't know when that happens. No.

But yeah. Silly, silly, silly, silly. And I bet that person with the hat was like, I'm not going to turn by off what I need to. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I'm all sorted. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I know.

Where, who tells us where to go? I guess we're just going this one. I mean, we can if you want, but once these clear out, do you want to go to the front? Oh, all right, all right, all right. You can do have to go out of the front, yeah? Yeah. All right.

I think sometimes at the back's worse. Ride is now closed. At least this means it probably is the right slide dead today for us. Yeah, yeah. Right, I'm going to walk down. I love that sound though. Isn't it great? Okay.

Thank you. Well, we go when they swap them out, we'll do it then. Right, we've been, we're not at the super front, but front's enough. Yeah. For the last ride of the day, Are you really excited? Do you want to go on the outside? Can do, yeah, if you want.

Yeah, I'm scared. It's fun to see where your limits are with things like this. Whereas I'm like fucking outstrap me to the front. Well, I don't quite proud of myself, because a lot of people that are peers would just be like, nah. I couldn't possibly. They wouldn't do it. Yeah. I would be surprised if you get your girlfriend on any other.

No, that's a very good point. I doubt we'd get like most of our friends on these to be fair. Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Here we go. They're gonna let people get their stuff first and then we can swap out, I think. Okay. But here we are. It's pulled in. All right, go on. Put mine close to yours.

Do you want to go on the inside? That's ride of the day, boys and girls. Last one of the date. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, here we go. Last ride of the date. What? Here we go baby.

What do we hold on to? Hold hands. No, no, no. Hold my hand, Daddy. What do I hold on to? I don't know, the bar, do this. I like it. Am I in?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm good, I'm in. Oh, you need the give. I don't like that give. Well, you need the give, otherwise you might end up have been more discomfort and damage. Yeah. You're meant to have a little bit of wiggle room so you don't...

It's why it's going to have its own vibe. Do it have my swinging leggy? I like the swingy-legged thing. I don't like it. Oh, here we go. Right, we're off. Last time for the boys, off the ramp we go. I'm going to put my hand.

For some reason, I'm a bit nervous about this one. I don't know why. But here we go. Reaching the crest of the top. We're gonna... Here we go. We're at the very top. Oh, bollocks.

Hold on tight, mate. Here we go. Holy fucking shit! Oh! Oh, fucking swan down there. It's the fucking swan having it do that. That had the most G-Force. Really?

Yeah. Oh, that first drop, man. Oh my God. That first drop was weird. That was intense as all hell that first drop. Oh, turning upside down slowly before you drop. Before, yeah. It's intense.

It's crazy. It's too intense for me. That G-force, because it's like a larger. Yeah. You know, it's the speed and the jeep. It's like, really. Oh, my God. I felt I was going to fall out.

Oh, what I love that. Sure, but very, very sweet that one. Fucking dizzy as balls. And that was warm. Well, I like that one a lot. That had a real feeling of speed and sort of G-force. Yeah, yeah. You know?

And at that... Are we on this board? Oh, hang on this board anywhere. That guy doesn't look happy That woman is having a panic attack Where? Look at your face Mate, can you take a picture of that?

You can scan to get on the photo three? No, because it would cost me £40,000 to get the photograph And I'll just take a bad Grab of this. I'm going to go to supplies and get a PIN badge That's part of my thing I want to do that All right, here we go

I've gone the wrong way. I've gone the wrong way. I've gone the real wrong way. I've gone right round the back past the main door. Fuck it, I'm committed now. It's just here. Oh, God. Oh, no, is it closed?

Oh, it might have closed. Oh, right. Well, then let's go home because that's not what we can do, really. You've got two big pins. I think there might be some shops in the dome on the way out. That might have pins. Right, that was... I like that one.

I like that one. So, what I gave... Let's start from scratch. Nemesis. Nemesis, inferno. 8.2. 7.5 for me. Only short because it was quite a short ride.

That's it. Then, so... Was that the next one we went on? No, it was Walking Dead we did next. Walking Dead, I'd give seven. I've already said. It was cheeky, fine. It was like 6.5 for me that.

A bit kind of, a bit... The right... Yeah. It was cheesy. It was fine. Wouldn't want to go on again, necessarily. No. Not really.

And I think some of the things that it promised, like actors and zombies weren't there. So you're just walking down barely lit, noisy corridors. And then Saw, I will give a nine. That is easily the scariest fair ground ride I've ever been on in my whole life. Easily. I'm a big fan of Saw. Warts and all and complaints and all. I get them.

But that's a nine for me as well. I just love the vibe and how nasty it is. And then... It is so nasty. Swarm. Swarm, I'm going to go like 8.75. I'll go 8.5 for that. It's a classic.

It's great and it had such that feeling of speed and like those things where you think you're going to smack your head. It had like three of those as well. That are really good ones. Like really feel like you're going straight for something. Like, you know. It was just real.

Oh, we can go that way, I guess. And that bit, that one bit, the first drop when you go into a corkscrew into the big drop. Yeah. That's basically my best sort of single beat of the whole day. Put it that way. It was intense as fuck.

Yeah, because the weird thing about that turnover. Slow and then you go in. Before the drop, it's like you do, you suddenly feel, again, vulnerable again. Yeah, yeah. Because you go, I may go to fall out, but then the gravity. I don't like the feeling of falling out. But the gravity of like the drop, they put you back in your seat. Yeesh.

Some great coasters, Paul. Thank you very much for taking me today. Well, considering, we were here for what, five hours and we did four rides? Not too bad. Not too bad, considering it. But I thought when I saw the times when we first arrived for, you were crazy thinking we could even do three. I thought like, you know, but no, you were absolutely right.

If you don't fanny around too much and you know what you want to do more than anything else. And the times change, of course. And I think they over-egg them a bit just to keep people, you know. Yeah, I think that's true. So people aren't disappointed, put it that way, yeah. So we're going to head back to the dome now. I'm going to look to see if any shops open, get a pin all to. I need to take a wee-wee-wee-so.

I would like a wee-wee. Oh, yeah, there's toilets and lockers. All right, well, there we go. We're going to wrap up. But the next time you see us, we'll probably be heading out. side of the building. Cool. Don't say it.

I'm not, you see? I should say stop saying don't say it because that's become a cliche as well now. Then they're going to be just to trap this for a cursive, fucking nightmare of things we shouldn't say. Being able, unable to say anything. Well, yeah, then we just don't do this podcast anymore. Oh, right?

No, don't. I like it. All right, go on do your thing here. Right, he's off for a pee-p-p-and-uh, yeah, cool. I've had a lovely day. This is what I needed. Honestly, I've been so fucking stressed and miserable. and tired and working seven days a week for the past, I don't know, fucking four months now or something,

that I just thought, fuck it, I want to have some fun today. I want Paul Gannon to just scream a little bit because he can't do it at home or in public. So, yeah, no, I am a happy chappy today. And I hope this episode of the podcast hasn't been too indulgent. I know it's not really within our remit. But hopefully you've had fun listening to me and Eli, Fuck about it, Thought Park.

That's it, I'm just going to turn this off and we'll come back to you in a little bit, but it's one of the moments, for me, Paul Gannon, to speak to you, our amazing Cheap Show audience who have supported us for probably close, well, for most of you, over a decade. I hope you'll allow me this one.

I say one, we went to L.A. and did Universal or Disney or whatever, that was a bit egregious. But you know what I mean? Right, shut up, Paul. Is the end of our day in Thorpe Park, basically, isn't it? Four rides. Not bad in. Not bad.

Four rides, five hours. That was the max we could have done, I think, probably. And I think outside of like Hyperion, which had a waiting time of seven days, apparently, which is the only one I was kind of like, oh, that would have been a good one to go on. But I'm happy of what we got, honestly. I've never been on Nemesis,

I've never been on Swarm. Walking Dead was much of a muchness, but it was available and it was really short weight. Yeah. Was it that the shortest weight? Yeah, it was like 40 minutes we were there for, something like that. And I know I'm always fighting the corner for the sore ride.

There are a lot of complaints about that ride, you know. Really? Why? Too rickety, too intense. It's kind of, it was the one that kind of hurt my neck the most, definitely. Which is what I said, right? You know, so I get the concerns about that. Oh, weird to be shocked. He's been enough of badges, everyone.

Timeful gallons, badge ones. Now ideally I want to swarm one now, don't I? You want a swarm badge, yeah? Yeah, because then I can have one pair, right? Look, here they are. Some here. Yeah, where's me glasses? Gannon needs his glasses.

Because he's about to spend. They're about to spend a lot of money on badges. Eli, don't look. What if we got? I don't want for one, thanks. There's another nemesis one. This one's a detonated samurai. That's swarm. That is swarm. Is that swarm? No, that's not at high city.

That's got the, because it's got the... Upside... The ambulance, the upended ambulance. That's what they... That's... Yeah, that's the money one, yeah. Oh dear. With the actual car.

Ideally, yeah, yeah. Do you want a pin? Do you want to treat you to a pin? It's three for two, so I may as well. Okay. I'm going to get the haunted ghost train one as well. What do I want? What do I want?

Well, there's some over there behind us as well, I think. I'm thinking maybe the inverted. What about, ambulance? Or do you want that? Let me have a look over here. I'm looking over here for the ghost train pin. Not because I like the ride, but because I want the pin. I thought I saw the pin here before.

Yeah. Oh, thank you. Yeah, that one. I like the font. Ghost Trade. I mean, it's the exact same font as Ghostbusters Out of the way, by the way. It is, isn't it? Out of the way by the way.

Out of the way, so what do you want then? I think I'm going to go for either the one you got or the... That's the one, yeah. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah, you do? Can I get one that one, please? Yeah, yeah. Sweet, cool.

What's that one? That's something we didn't go on. Oh, it's a tie the way. That's the Jaws themed one. I think that was the one in the tube that we were going to go on and then realised. Nah. Alright, cool, I'll get you this one then. Oh.

I bet you any money this badge isn't part of the three for two, but let's find out. We'll see. Otherwise, I'll go and swap it for you. No, because I do want this, so I'll just... Oh, you just do it anyway. It would just be, you know, handy. Oh, so yeah. So yeah, thought part, I got me sore one. I got the nemesis.

And you got the swam? Yeah. And the ghost train is in lieu of a walking dead pin, which I refuse to buy on Prince of all. Okay. Hello, just grabbing these, thank you. Oh, good choices. I know, and my wall needs more pins.

There's yours. No worries. Thanks kindly. Have a great evening. Thank you. Thank you. Bye-bye. That was three for two.

It was? Yeah, cool. Do you do the mental math? Thank you. Because I just went like that which said the price of weather. Fine. It was three. Now, do you need anything else before we go?

No. Well, Paul's got off with four pins. That's good. I've got one. Now, do you have your bus ticket back? I do. Now, that was more of a question for me than you, to be fair. Yes, it's in my wallet.

Great. It's in my bag, I'm going to wait until we get out of the park. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perhaps we'll see the really moody security man. Moody security. We brought something in that you didn't know. We brought drugs in. I did, actually.

Oh, did you? Yeah. I didn't risk it because I just thought, knowing me. It's in my sock. I think I hope so. Haven't checked. What? Do you think it's dangling from the netting at swarm?

That would be a little bonus for someone. Oh, I was clearing the ride the other day. I found a head of weeds. Nice, isn't it? Right, let me just put my glasses away. Sorry, hang on. I've got too many pockets and too many items. I like this style where the badge is just like a front on.

A front on of the actual, what do they call it? A car, isn't it? Yeah, what do they call it? It's a car. A railroad. I want to take a picture of that Jaws thing there. There is a small video diary to accompany this episode, but don't expect anything to do it.

too exciting. There we go. And then over this side to take a picture of the roller coaster of the other thing or something like that. Do they live there? They live there. I don't know if anyone lives there. Must have some use.

Oh yeah, because it could be anything like. Offices. Offices or security or storage for shit. But anyway, that was our day at Thought Park. Overall, overall, no, bad. Pretty good. Not bad at all. Obviously, you know, after you do Disney,

I mean, the theming isn't as strong. No. But that's just the thing about Britain in general, I think. It's like, it tries to do that, but we just don't have the heart to do it. Yeah, I guess so. You know what I mean, that's sincerity. Yeah.

This is one thing we're lacking. Here we go through the turnstile out. Yeah. That took a lot more effort than expected just to go through a turnstile. Oh. But in terms of, like, competing with some of the best theme parks in the world,

thought part. To be honest, does have good standing. It does. I think so. People rate them. That must be the most thrill rides, the most, the park where the most top. In the UK, definitely. Compared to other places like America,

like some of the six flags there, they're all, you know. But you said six flags or isn't, what was that mountain? Oh, not tree farm and stuff as well. Right. What's the one splash mountain? No. That's it cool. Six flags, but then there's something Well there's loads of them, there's like Magic Mountain Six Flats,

and Mountain Six Flats, there's all these loads of bloody things, so, you know. Oh, how long is this bus going to take? That is my major concern now. But it's over there, the bus stop. We bought our ticket. Oh, look. We're joining one last cue, Eli, before we get home. Oh, God.

Look at everyone queuing for the bus. Yeah. But I would imagine, right, at this time, and out they're going to put more buses on or more routes well they watch they should do because there's going to be more crowd coming out main entrance wheelchair access to the bus stop literally the bus stop is framed like a theme park ride oh god oh but honestly i think i needed today i need a day just for fun and i have a laugh so thank you for coming with me today okay because the part of my brain did just go let's just pull fucking do it just go on your own paul yeah

but you had needed to make a podcast paul i didn't need to make a podcast of the day if i'm being However, I did. So, you know, I don't want to become one of those content people every 50 minutes until 75 minutes after the park closes. So we're only going to be waiting half an hour or so. Maybe. This is one of those moments where I was like, I wish I'd learned to drive in the UK. You've got a license, that, yeah?

No. I, no. No, I didn't have an international license. I only had a license for driving in LA. Oh, right. And then when I came to London, as I often say, there was no point. No, it's in London, yeah. Here we are. So what I'm open is that this bus that comes to pick us up

as a much bigger bus than the one that took us here. I doubt, yeah. Because that was a teeny bus, the teeny tiny groups. It's like a teeny little suburban single depe, yeah. Yeah. So, anyway. Hang on. If you stop recording, just be knackered men.

I'm totally knackered. All right, we're just knackered men. We'll see you on the train. London Waterloo. The next section is Belton. Okay for you? Yeah, I don't mind. Right, Eli and I are on the train. Hello, Eli. Hello, Paul. I think this should be the wrap-up parlor show, frankly.

It's like being quite intense. The queue for the bus. That was fun. Lucky we were in a good mood. Yeah. And that the... And knackered. And I'm really knackard now.

And too defeated to make a fuss about anyone's behaviour. People... Honestly, the people's behaviour wasn't that bad at all. No, not at all, did they? And most of them were in that... Tweety. The tween. Yeah.

Almost everyone I saw was a twin. All young and apparently not in school. Right. That's this week's edition of the podcast, Dumb. We are travelling home. We're shooting out of stains. I did some shooting out of stage once. Yeah, did you shoot some stairs?

Terrible curry. Paul's entered the tired, too tired to think phase of the day. I've been mostly doing rude versions of Paul McCarnie's. Who's that knocking at the door? He didn't write that. Yeah, he did. Who's that knocking on the door, ringing the bell. That's McCarney.

No, but it's wings. No, it's wings. I will tell you now if it's wings. Yeah, but isn't there a similar thing that is a musical thing? No. Who's that knocking on the door? Tell me what's coming. And I'm going to give him something.

Now that's tell me the way to go. Yeah. Tell me the way to go home. Oh, Charlie, the one's going to be. I've bought a pin badge at Thought Park. I've bought many pin badges. I bought four. Ghost train.

That's a lovely little school, that. Swarm. I got the Swarm one as well, everyone. I was very kind of, and I bought you on. But that's already been covered. What else? No, that's it. We're wrapping up.

I did sing some. somebody's eating out of pussy. That's about it really when it comes to someone suck in my bell, that kind of thing. Those other people are you guys. Yeah, well, Paul McCartney wrote it, so it's fine. He did not.

He did, he wrote that. I think I've burnt in the sun a bit. You've definitely called it. Yeah, you've got a little bit of red on you. I might just go for the whole heat wave without being sunburned at him. Yeah, but I put a little bit of this on, so I'm all right. I should have. I should have brought it.

I knew I should have brought that. To be fair, I forgot not to offer. You think it's really bad. I burn myself real bad. No, I don't think. so you would notice it by now already. I do feel a bit like, you know, it's kind of a nostalgic feeling

that's like sunburn, isn't it? Like being at the beach. Days in the beach with Papa and Mama. Sand between the toes. Donkey rides. Large human feces in the dunes. Condoms floating by. Yeah, yeah.

The great British Teets experience. But ultimately, thank you all for supporting me today. Just getting out of London and having a bit of fun, I needed it. And that's the dirty reason We did it this week on the podcast, frankly. It was a bit intense. I let so much kind of like, you know,

and you can lend it all out via... The screaming on the rides, yeah. No, I was very impressed with the roller coasters. And I love roller coasters. I love them. I knew my joy in them with reawakened when we did Disney. Yeah.

And I just thought, I love this shit. You know what I mean? I used to, because it used to be a really big deal when I was a kid, like, how scary is it? Do you remember? It was like, how scary? And can you have? actually handle it and that genuine fear, that apprehension that you get basically on the lift-up

on... I mean, that's the reason why. I mean, I know the day when I got my love of roller coasters and it was when I went to Blackpool, went on the big one when it first opened way back when. Right. At the time, it was the highest rollercoasters. No, but it was the highest roller coaster in the UK at the time, maybe even Europe at the time.

Yeah. And I remember being absolutely petrified to go on it, but then when I was at the top and right before that drop, something sparked in my brain was like, this is the best thing. And I've been chasing that ever since. And I'm only envious and I have more time and money to go around the world and go on all those cool roller coasters

I watch from afar on YouTube. Eli, how about I load one up on the internet and you put me in a basket and hold me and make it feel like I'm going up and down like you see those babies do on the videos with their dads? I didn't understand. I just get the first, the beginning of that sentence. You know, those videos where someone put a baby in a basket

and then loads up a radio, a roller coaster. And then they go, your men you're on a roller coaster. I'm what they did with cats. And babies. And I want you to do it with a grown man with me. Oh, and throw water at you

and stuff on a banana. Yeah. And then give you a polaroid at the end and he's screaming. You could go to town with that stuff, couldn't you? With all the props. Didn't we do that?

We did that for that Barshan's video with, ish. With the Jurassic Park ride. Yeah. Anyway, Eli's now checked out because he got his phone. So that means he's giving up on this podcast.

Look at this, though. See what I mean? Here we go straight away. The Capi Barrow. having a nice rest. He's in a tank. Oh, what's that come up? A piece of pup.

Is that a piece of pup? Don't put it in your mouth. Don't eat the poo. Is he eating it? And he's covered... No, he's just... What's going on with that? He's an animal.

He doesn't care where he drops his pup. Didn't like the floaty pups. It was all... Anyway. I think even the capy barrel was like, oh, it's in my mouth now. He could have looked you out of the way. He obviously didn't like it.

He had a sniff and it. Yeah, he was like... He can't survive as a... a species. I mean, dogs seem okay with it, but... Yeah, dogs, I don't know. There was that dog, wasn't it? It was scoff, its own scat. Or was it someone else's? Either way, I think

it's now time to end the end. It's over, please. Right, thank you for support of the podcast. Cheapshow.com for us for our website, patreon.com forwards. That's Cheapshare for supporting us if you do indeed want to. Other than that, we'll see you next week where, I believe, we have a very special guest. Oh, that's

exciting. So that will be very exciting. I want to sleep for 100 days, I think. Well, I can. You're going out to Walthamstow to be a more social animal than me, whereas I'm going for a nice long bath and then Betty Bobo bye-bye time. You're going to play some open-faced Chinese poker tonight, Baby. A one, seven quid last time. I didn't get it because I owe him over 600. You're really just working off the deficit.

I'm working it off, yeah. Yeah, well. Every time I went, no, I was so losing. How many years do you think you've gotten to you're working off? I don't think it could ever. It might never happen. Sobering thought, in it? But it's not going up very quickly like it was a few years ago. It's always easier to accumulate debt to get rid of it, isn't it?

Yeah, of course. Yeah. But it's a game we play poor. It's not just I go over there and go, all right, I'll use some money now. I mean, that would be easy if you just went over money, or it was 50 quid. No, but then I'd have to pay him the 50 quid. Yeah. We've been playing for 10 years.

How much do you owe him still at this point? It's about 700. But I've paid in, that time that I won the poker tournament, $400, $400, $200 back, and I've paid him $200 back. and I've paid him 100 back before. So I've paid him over the years, 300 quid back. I walk in and I pay off your debt, right? And then you owe me.

And then what? Well, I'll turn this. Let me turn this off. I have to do with a private episode. In a manner of speaking. It will be a film. Let me put it this way. And it'll be short.

Let me put it that way. And it won't go online. It's not happening, mate. Unless you have the dark web, in which case you will get. I would not 700 poultry quid. Wouldn't do it for that much. Well, you're going to have to because I'm going to pay off your debt and then I got to owe you. No.

I own you. And then I own you. You own me for 700. You owe me. I own you. Very good. Very nice. Anything else?

No. I think we should shut up. Yeah. You've been worse. I've got it. All right. See you next week. Night guys.

Bye. So before it all gets up