CheapShow - Ep 499: Door To Door (Mono)

Episode Date: August 7, 2026

Mono Edition For over a decade, Paul and Eli have tackled a number of long, weird and tiring walks for their “walkabout” episodes. This week, for our four hundred and ninety ninth edition of the economy comedy podcast, the Cheap Chaps take on their most epic, most arduous and definitely most punishing walk EVER… And all they are doing is walking from Eli’s flat in Harringay to Paul’s place in Harrow. How hard can it be? As it turns out, it’s a ruddy nightmare! What seemed like a cute idea at the start quickly becomes a walkabout like no other. Over the course of NINE hours and around 16 miles, they’ll take in high streets, quiet suburbs, motorways, country parks, winding trails, parkland walks, familiar routes, hot weather, old haunts and accidently dig up some memories from the past decade of CheapShow. It’s an emotional episode with plenty of big arguments, dark humour, dumb decisions and many embarrassing agonies to endure over THREE HOUR and TWENTY MINUTES! You want an Odessey? Here is CheapShow’s! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-499-door-to-door GET TICKETS FOR Ep 500 LIVE Cambridge Junction (J2) August 23rd @ 4pm https://www.junction.co.uk/events/cheapshow-podcast-live/ www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

It's 499 and everything's fine. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon. And look, who's this little guy over here? Hi, everyone, it's Eli Silverman. We're about to embark on a very special walkabout. Why don't you tell them about it, Paul? I will. Thank you, my good friend. So, hello, welcome to the Cheap Show podcast, and it's episode 499.

And guess what? We're doing a very special walkabout episode. It's something we've basically promised on and off for years and never really got around to doing it. But now's the time. we're going door to door. We're going to start at Eli's place in his secret location in in Harangay. And we're going all the way to where I live in Harrow. That's exciting, isn't it? Harangay with an E? Yeah. But also Harangay with a A, as in gay. Yeah. As in what you are

and your mum. Well that's not very nice is it, boys and girls. That's not very nice at all. Here's me putting a fucking chip a look on this. Come on. Keep it chip. And Eli calls it. me a gay man. Now, as a bisexual man, I don't find that offensive. But what I do find offensive is me getting here an hour ago because Eli was like, oh, we got to leave right on the dot. It's a long walk, out, out, got here. I get here before midday. And it's been, well, it's been one hours since I got to his. And I sat on the couch and rolled a bifter, 45 minutes since he promised me. He'd be ready to go in just about five minutes. Was it a bifter you, yeah? Yeah. Yes, Paul.

And I want to express contrition. I want to express contrition about that. But, Dilly Dahlia. Well done for getting here for just before midday if actually got here. Because it means we're still making pretty good time compared to when we usually start these things.

It's a lot more of this. Do you know? I know. And it's close to one o'clock. You've been one set. I know. But just so you know, what's important right now, ladies and gentlemen, what's holding us back?

It's not him packing. or making sure he's got the right equipment, though. It's him having a hit from the bong, or his little pipe or whatever it is. I'm not impressed. I'm not impressed. You always give me shit about, Paul, the weather. It's going to be hot at this time of day,

and it's going to be air. I get here early so he can set off. And, mate, you're just sitting here with your fucking stupid cunt's hat on. It's not a cunt hat. It is. You're wearing it. Did you bring your hat?

Did you bring your home? Honestly, you're going to suffer, mate. You're going to suffer out there. You don't understand. I suffer wherever I go. I'm a sufferer. Right? Just feel where.

Yeah. Do you know what else I have? Which you definitely don't have. What? Sunblock. What's this in my bag? Oh, have you not sunblock? What's this in my bag?

What's that? There. Oh, a little thing of sunblock. Yeah, thank you. Oh, apple. Hapolablock. You're horrible sometimes to me. You're like, rather than just say, yeah, mate,

I'm fucking up and holding us back. You'll just deflect. That's what I have said. You deflecting. No, not. Yeah. I'm fucking us up and holding us back. I'm sorry.

Come on. I'm sorry you had to get here early. This is going to be a long walk and possibly a long episode. It's still, which is why I thought we'd do. Now, explain to them. You told me we'd get it at midday and you'd be straight to go straight.

Explain which boroughs that we're doing and stuff like that. Well, we're doing loads. Explain that we're going to be intersecting. Yes, with the past. Yes. Don't make, don't sit there. Smoking your foot. fucking weed pipe and dictating to me what needs to be in this episode.

I know. I'm ready to go. Anyway, we're doing a walk from Ms to mine and it's a long walk. Loads of miles. I don't know how many. I haven't really checked, but it's a long walk. I think it's going to take us about nine hours. Eight or nine miles.

All right. Eight or nine miles. It's going to be a long walk. All right. Well, yeah, you do something. Why don't you? But weirdly, not I'll say weirdly, when we do this walk, we're going to be intersecting with previous walks.

So we're going past like the Parkland Walk A part of the Parkland Walk Which viewers might remember Is London's longest linear linear park London's longest linear parking Kissing the Night You Can Kiss In the Dark That place And then we go through Highgate Woods

And Queen Woods And then we're going They're part of the ancient Finchley Forest Yeah Which was a lot of little bits of Finchley Forest We'll be going through Do you remember Coppitz Wood

We'll be going up past their behind where you used to live in East Finchley. Yeah. Yeah, there's also, we're going to, it takes us via East Finchley, where I used to live, and a little bit of a walk of cherry tree, we're from 450, and then we're going to be walking all the way up past Bishop's Avenue, or whatever is, towards the Highgate Extension. Yeah.

Yes, and there we'll be going along the course of the River Brent. Famously, it gives its name to the borough of Brent. One of the three boroughs, I believe, will be going through. And that's also one of the ones. the walks we did the Gannon's Golden Quest I think where we walked along that route down towards Thingy Mejigamy. The other thing that Brent gets his name after

is Brent Cross of course. Which we will be going just past and not close enough to go near but we will be able to see it from our view. I can't do it. We're going to end up with McDonald's in Brent Cross. We're not. I won't. Okay, fine. And then we are walking from there

through area, well what's that wood that you said me went to when we did 350 or 400. Then we filmed on the bank and we did a little thing and there's a little river area by Brent Cross that he took us to. Oh, you mean Welsh Harp? Yeah, the Welsh Harp.

Brent Reservoir. Yeah. And we'll be going along that or passing it in some way. And that's before we just get to Hendon is on the other side of that. So basically from the Brent Cross side then to the Hendon side and then take us from there

Hennon. Well then basically from there we're heading down and towards through Kenton. Yeah, through. through Kenton and then up past Preston Road and Northwick Park and then Harrow on the Hill and then go and end it my place. You want to get a bus from Harrow. I'm just saying we can when we get to Harrow on the Hill. We can get one down.

You might be exhausted. Yes, we might be exhausted. So that is what you can expect this week on Cheap Show. I have no idea if there's going to be a three hour episode, a two hour episode, a one hour episode, a two part, a three part, a 25 part of. We just don't know at this point. We just don't know, but it is going to happen. So come on.

It's Cheap Show. It's our big walk before. for episode 500, so come on, we're going door to door. Come on. Oh, I like literally a minute, okay? A minute, it's gonna be another fucking minute. Cue the music and we're off. We've left the homestead of Eli J. Silverman,

which we must, must keep a secret. House of Pickles. House of Pickles for all you out there, but we have leaving the House of Pickles and we're walking to the Horned Harrow House on the Hill. Eli, what have you done? I have started a stopwatch just to have a rough idea of the actual time will take us door to door on this epic walk.

I think probably the longest walk we've ever one of set out to do. Well, it's because the canal, region's canal one was pretty fucking long, I seem to remember. That was six miles. No, this is bigger. Was it? Yeah, because it was like, I'm sure it was eight or nine. It took us about four hours, I remember, four or five hours.

Either way, this is going to take longer than that. And if I'm being honest, ladies and gentlemen, I'm already fucked off and want to go home. But I guess we are going, no. But the problem is, is that with this weather, you never know what to expect. No, I mean, that's not... You feel the sweat and the heat building off already.

I'm just worried about cobwebbing and chafing. That's what my worries are. There'll be some. Yeah, you can't avoid it in this weather. Unless you've packed travel talc. I haven't packed travel talc, but I have... Here we are. Oh, yeah.

So tell them where we are. We're on the ladder. Yes. We have just set off. We are going to head towards Haringay Overland or main line. I don't know what kind of line is that that Haringay station's on. Either way, we're getting there and we're going via one of our old familiar spots on Cheap Show history, which is a harangay passage. Yes.

Here we are, a lovely bit of passage. Did you say with an E harangay? And then that doesn't have an E? Yes, that's because this is the actual very very. specific neighbourhood of Harangay with the with the a Y at the end right and harangiehengie harangay the borough yeah which stretches all the way to Highgate and all the way all of Tottenham is in it yeah is spelled with an EY at the end E Y well there you go to me subtle differences that make a difference

specifically right around here is harangay yeah anyway Harangay passage anyway just round here and we've been up here older part of the passage you know how These old cobblestones. Oh, I love the cobbles. And they've been weathered by the weather. Oh, that's that guy who paints chewing gum. Oh, that guy?

Yeah, he lives up in Crouch End. Take a picture of that because we need to stop taking pictures. That's right. Also, pictures and possibly a small video die will accompany this walkabout on our website, the Cheapestepshaw.com. Or if you do a Patreon thing, you can do patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show.

And actually, since it's our 500th episode, if you want to spend the little money on us to say thank you for 500 episodes, Why not for a month or two? Just say thank you with a patronage. Just a thought, in it? If you haven't done it before and you appreciate our 500 episodes of rock hard comedy,

then patreon.com for it's that's cheap. I'm not going to say more. Wax is a form of substance that can be smelly or not smelly. Just a thought. It's just a thought, isn't it? Just one of those thoughts that we all have. Is that the kind of thought you were talking about? That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, look. There's planters here on Warren Road. Warham Road. Corham Road which the Harrogay Passage crosses. It's rat runs, isn't it? Oh, picking up the kids? No, it'll take you long. I just hate these cars, these big SUVs.

One person in the huge SUV. Why, vans, you kind of think, okay, van, it's a working vehicle. It's designed to move things around. Yeah. Why do you need that if you're just a private individual or family? You don't, you don't. It's a lie you've been sold.

It's a status thing. It's like an iPhone. It's like everyone else's got when I want to ask. else has got one i want an SUV as well it's like well britain was never made for those kind of cars on these kind of roads uh but oh paul and ely we're getting old aren't we're still on these old lovely old paving stones and apparently i heard a story that people were caught up here with vans and stealing these because you can get like 300 quid a stone for the money yeah who's buying for the special gardens it's really expensive you can't get these anymore and they're old and weathered

so that's not very good is it you're going to make some kind of bespoke high-end garden feature or something yeah they're just they're worth money where'd you get them from oh god mate to steal them from harangay passage that's good oh even now we're a modern uh yes god mate no no we're not talking about paving stones as a podcast well we could just talk about memories i remember paving stones i wouldn't yeah fair enough no we're it we're going through part of the harringay passage goes through a magnificent Victorian structure a school, yeah. Look at that turret.

Torrets as far. Class turret. Torrets. Yeah, I love this building architecturally. But we are heading up to cross the rail lines at Haringay Station indeed. Yeah. And I think, I don't know, that's got an AY or an EY. Well, I'm sure our audience is fucking holding their breath to find out more.

Right, Madison Row, we're crossing now. And I think this is the last chunk of passage, isn't it? It's this or one maybe one more? This or one more. And now we're going past the topless man. We're dogs. Right, the right. Cool.

And here we go. Do you want to stop now? Do you want to stop what? The whole walk? We can. Oh, we can. We can just go sit in a new park and make walking footsteps every now and then. Make walking foot.

You know. Oh, we're doing so well. No, come on. All right, no, we're going to. The sun is beating down. Beating down. Yeah, it's coming out now. It was cloudy when I left and a bit grey.

But now, uh, the sun is out. and Eli and I are making our walk our big epic walk No What do I need to look at the sun for? I don't need them One more across We're crossing Duckett Road

Docket Road And you know that common Up at the top Yeah That's Duckett's common Duckett was one of the important Men involved with the development of this area Is that a Banksy? That's what someone's asked

Is that a Banksy E.I? What do you think? No makes you think it's not a bansi. It's signed by a different artist La Cotto. La Cotto. La Cato. It's a bit cheesy, isn't it? Yeah.

It depicts a young lady holding a heart in her hand. And the heart is breaking. She's got a broken heart. It's fucking cheesy as shit. I mean, the actual render is quite nice stencil work. The way, do you know what I mean? Yeah. But don't you think the subject matters like a, it's like a?

Oh God, I'm not, I'm doing neither thing right now. It's like a Hallmark card. Yeah, but it's making you think. in it? I think what? This young lady has a broken heart? Yes, and then it thinks why. Why has she got a broken heart?

Is it love? Has she lost a love? Or it's a societal? Yeah, but Banksy would have something much more clearly societal. Well, maybe Banksie's saying, I've already taken a picture of it now. Don't worry about it. You've had your chance to take a picture and you missed out. So anyway, I look at her and I think...

Oh, yeah. Do you remember these walls with bits of glasses? Make, no, come on. We can't be one of these podcasts. That just goes, do you remember white dog poo? Walls with glass on the top, man. That's fucking lethal, although effective, I'd imagine. Stink pipe.

Stink pipe for a stink. Also, my school used to have like anti-climb paint on it or whatever it was, which is like this tarry paint they put on. Yeah, and if you try to climb over a wall, you just get black all over you and it was all sticky and horrible. Didn't actually anti-climb anything. It just was like if you climb it, but you get caught. Yeah, and you'd be sticky.

You'd be sticky and also you'd be caught. Tari. Are we going up here? Cavendish. Cavendip. No, no, we don't actually. Next one. It's all the way along. It's all the way along.

Right, that's it. I think we've done enough passage talk. I can't. I know you could, but I do not want you to. So we're going to. Come on, Paul. Cheer up. I'm cheering.

You have not come with enough protection from the sun, my lad. I've got cream. Yeah, but you're... And that's enough. Oh, who cares? Okay. Who cares, mate? You can't blame me if you get sunstroke, right?

Yeah, fine. I won't, I'm on record saying I will not blame Eli if I get sunstroke at all on me. All right? Oh man. Q three hours time and you will literally. Oh, I think, Dave, see you life's fault. Right, oh, there's noise.

Let's stop it now. Noise. Oh, yeah, there's the station. We'll go up that way. Right, playing catch up. We've crossed the unnecessarily steep bridge at Haringay Station, spelled by the way without an E. It was with the A.

Yeah, because it's the place rather than the borough. Gay with an A, not an E. That's what I did see. So, and then we went and got some provisions, a red bull each and some water, textbook. And now we're heading to our connection with, oh shit, me foot, nearly tripped over, Dad. Oh, imagine if it's fallen over.

Yeah, it wouldn't be good. We'd have to... That's got to be near and I'd cry. Right, Londis, Fermi Park Road. Fern Park Road, yeah. So where do we get on... Where do we get on, the walk? Cool. That pub there, yeah.

Which one? Just there, it's just tucked in with the curved window. They've got one of those things. They do Czech Lager, and they've got one of those things like a glass washer that's sort of built into the top of the bar. Oh, yeah. And you press down. Have you seen those?

Have you seen those? And it's really cold and fucking wet. It's funny, isn't it? I want to go in there and drink a fucking... Well, we're not, though, are we? Nicholas Nickleby is called. Yeah. I didn't.

It's really nice. Based on a famous book by... Kurt Vonnegut. It's correct. Because I'm dumb here, I don't know. Right, okay. Soft serve available here at the goods office. What's the whole thing with soft serve?

It's suddenly got trendy. But in fact, it's that stuff like, it's Mr. Whippy, isn't it? It's all greasy. It's talking of witch, mate. I can tell you something else. It's talking of which. Soft, soft serve and greasy that I had to deal with before I left.

Just I'm just saying, when I... I think we're on the wrong side of the road. We are. We are. where we are now well we're under a bridge is that a sign on the wall that says the bridge oh these bins are for the good office no it's nothing to do with us uh this is a bridge that will connect us directly to the parkland road walk what's it called south parkland walk south we're joining now yeah we're going up that little path now all right so we're going to do that

what's the way towards highgate then well this way are you sure yeah because we're walking away yes we can double check that right here we are parkland walk south local nature reserve stapleton hall road gate if anyone's following us on the map that's where we are that's where we are and we're going to join this is officially on the greenway as well is yeah now i think so is that right i mean i hope so doesn't really matter we're door to door and there's a little path under the bridge there oh shit it's quite steep this so walking up and this is is this right yeah this is right and not used to joining it like this No.

This feels like we're joining it the naughty way. It is a bit impromptu, isn't it? It's all bricks and gravel. It's not really been... It's not very anything. There's some stairs on the other side. No, we're right here now. This is it.

Right, here we are. And so, just like in that episode from years ago, we're back on the Parkland walk. London's most linear walk. BT Tower. BT Tower. And then to the left of it, you can see. the park where there used to be a whole cattle market, the Italianate Tower there.

Oh, we've been there. Yeah, we've been there as well. That's a long time ago now. And that's the capital building in to the right there. You see that? Yeah, no. So we're going to go this way now. Up this way.

Are you sure? Yes. Absolutely this way. Oh, now I'm wearing my flip-flops and already I've got a little bit of grumbly stones and scrabble in my shoes. It's not good is it? Are we okay to stay here? Yeah. You can go on the street level?

No, don't be a fucking wank. Hey? Be a man. That's what they say. Well, we're overlooking the train. Take a picture, take pictures. Because you're going to have to be charging most of the pictures today, mate. As I say, we'll be pictures on our website and a short accompanying video diary.

That won't be too extensive, but it's there. Certainly for the patrons, for those who follow us. So that up that way, yeah, that slats out the wayways. Look, the road bridge goes over the rail down there and we're on an old rail bridge that goes over that road. We're like two layers up. Do you see what I mean? Multi-layered train travel system. I love this little spot.

Do you know what I mean? It's hot again. Catch your breath. Catch your breath. I also drank Red Bull too fast and it went down the wrong hole. It feels like I've just come out of the swimming pool the wrong way. Well, that should give you some energy. Full sugar and all the caffeine as well.

The heat is on. the heat is are on right okay cool we're on our way I think that's it was anything else we wanted to mention that we've done since they last heard us not much eh what's the time on the clock that's the timer because Eli's keeping time oh that's a netterly way I hope there's not too many nettles on this walk what coming up for half an hour on the road oh nice we're not doing bad for time actually then how long did we estimate the whole thing it's going to be something like 17 hours 17 hours give or take

you know are we going to get a holiday in then halfway in Hennon I bet we could get a holiday in in Hennon yeah we probably could and anything happens stays in Hennon what happens in Hennon

stays in Hennon that is true for a really banal reason that it's incredibly boring and impoverished in places also holiday in if you're looking for an advertisement idea here's one for you you have a car pull up and it's got like a CGI AID Chevy Chase

and then he had a young one, a young one like he looked in the nationalized, yeah. Yeah, like vacation. And he goes, I will not long ago, and he pulls outside the hotel in. And he goes, hotel, hotel, holiday in, holiday in, and then Chevy Chase calls her person of colour something offensive, and that's how the advert ends.

How does that sell Holiday Inn apart from the song, then? That's it, really. It's all of, but it's more than most advertisers do these days. Do you remember who sang that song? No. It was a one-hit wonder sort of thing. It wasn't even a hit. It was just in that film that was a hit.

I believe it was a low-key hit. Yeah, nothing to do with the Thor character, of course. Wasn't a hit in Britain? Definitely wasn't a hit in Britain. That genre doesn't travel back then over here. That film, I think that film didn't really come across at the time. I couldn't tell you. I think it took a few.

few years to actually come across. I think the first vacation I saw was when they showed European vacation on TV, a much lesser film. Much lesser. And also a nightmare to film apparently because of Chevy Chase. Really? That's the anecdote you can tell to any story that involves Chevy Chase making a musical or TV show. Or movie. Or there's a bin. I can put me Red Bull in now. That's good. Has he done a musical? Has he done a musical? No, you just Now I have to think has he been involved in a musical way in any way whatsoever? Was he in any of the musical episodes of community pack? Yes he was actually so I mean I guess that counts.

They did a glee episode, a spoof and he was in that. Talk about baby booming. Right, I'm gonna put this in the bin. And then should we join them again once we get up the hill to I gate? Yeah, once we get to the woods or by the bat place again where the bats were. Remember the bats? That's in the... Yes, we're not going to end. We are.

Actually it takes us to this. to this. We're going to get off then. Oh yeah. Green's Wood Highgate. So yeah. Is that where this goes to? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Do you not remember all that? The back, the old tube tunnels with Batson. Yeah. Okay. So we might come to you back then because as I say, we're back on the

London's longest, London's longest linear park. You can walk in the day. You can walk in the dark. I wouldn't advise it. I wouldn't advise it either. London's... Some people might... Park. If you bring a dog, make sure it don't bark. We're going past the reservoir. Hill there. Reservoir

here Yeah Stop Reservoir here Paul and Eila on the road Oh

Walking from Walking to Harrow Oh Eli and Paul Stop please Stop please stop This is Fucking

Content Paul Eli Walking Walking I hate the word content. It's like if I do a big and I mean big and girthy dropping in my toilet and I take a picture, is that content? It's the contents of your bowl, yes. Yeah, but if I put it up online for people to see, is that content? Yeah, everything is. No, it's not. What is not content? When you're not broadcasting it, it's not content. So if you don't broadcast, you don't

exist. Well, so we... doesn't exist. What content then? I don't, why do you keep pushing me on this? I hate you. I'm fucking dick. Right, let's take a break from recording. I just tried to put the camera in my bag

and I put a stick of my mouth. It was nearly sick. Oh, look, we're in a tunnel on the Parkland Walk. I hope Eli doesn't get any ideas. Hey? I don't. Remember you tried it on? I never did.

You did? You were like, oh, Paul, we're in a love tunnel. No, no, we've got a capital room. For kissing. Oh yeah, we are on the case. take a picture of this as well ideally in focus if you wouldn't mind and not grainy because you'd use weird digital zoom for everything which is weird that doesn't happen anymore the last time that complaint was relevant was at least two years ago so just leave it also you'd never brought that blanket to the show

at that dude so we are crouch end hill on the capital ring so highgate wood is a mile and a half away harrow on the hill 13 miles so it's a long walk mate that's it's there that's how long we've got 13 miles. We're not going to do the capital rain from here, yeah? Yeah. 13 miles. So if we go five miles an hour, it's a bit over two hours. We go to do five miles. Let's say half that. So four hours, maybe. Mm. Finsbury Park is a mile half away. We've done that in about 50 minutes, haven't we? Well, we didn't go from all the way from Finnsbury Park. No, no, but we've done about the equivalent kind of walk. We've done about a mile. So we've still got 13 more to go. Now that I've seen that sign, I've been slightly put

Now I would like to float an idea. Okay. If at any point it gets too tough and we need to like cross busy highways to get back on it, I would like to suggest we at least get a, put the option out for a quick bus, a few stops. Whether we do it or not, I'd like to float that idea. Okay. Well. But I know it defeats the purpose of the door-to-door walkabout, but that 13 miles did put the shit something.

Just listen, just get your head down. Let's get to Highgate. Yeah. Yeah. get across Highgate. We just got to put a shift in here. Once we get to round Hendon, then we can start talking about our level of exhaustion.

But it's just, it's ridiculous now, catastrophizing now. Yes, of course we can get a bus, so I'm not going to stop us, am I? Just don't want you to be disappointed in me. I don't want you to look down on me. I already do. Oh, well, then I'd like you to look up to me every once in a while because, you know, you do owe me a lot, don't you?

Oh, God. Now we're talking about everything. We're not talking about this. I mean, I am. I'm not. Well, then you don't talk about it. You have no say in of what happens next. Eli's been a useless bag of shit for 11 years,

barely putting in the time, barely putting in the energy, complaining a lot about everything all the time. But every month, like clockwork, the only thing Eli remembers is to put his hands out and go, give me money. Give me money now. And I...

I just wonder if it's really a friendship eel I want or an income. Am I just dollar signs when he stares at me? Or like a Looney Tunes comic? Does he look at me and I turn into a great big lollipop with the word sucker written on it? Hey? That's what I think. No, I've not. Everyone's favourite aspect of Cheap Show when you have a go at me.

Go on have a go at me then. I'm no. They don't like that either. Well, let's get it all out of our system. I'm not. What don't you like about me? Fucking hell, where do I start? But anyway, I'm not going to.

Since the list is so long. I'm not like that. It doesn't help anything. Helps me. Helps me considerably. To think we're still 30 miles away. Don't project your hatred of me just because you feel like you can't,

you're not man enough to walk. No, I project my hatred onto you because you're like, you're the opposite of the Holly's song. You know, he ain't heavy, he's my brother he is heavy but he's not my brother you know the road is long with many winding turn everyone's favorite that leads us to who's second favorite bit when i sing i think you'll find mate the bit they love the most is you when you berate me

endlessly and then sing and then sing that's every it's everyone's favorite thing paul so keep doing it yeah how about this how about i berate you via song no you've done that I should do that again. I should do it again. Who's a little tosser in a shitty hat? It's Eli, it's Eli. You're going to be envious of my hat later on. When you're crying and moaning, let's get the one eight two, just a few stops. You can't. I hope I get on record. Eli saying that later. I'm just saying I don't do hats. You think I'm going to be the one who says get the bus? Yeah. I'm up for this. I, uh, No, I just don't like hats. I find them suffocating.

When I put them on, it's like I've got to get it off, get it off, get it off kind of thing. That's understandable, Paul. But they do come in very handy on hot days letters. I'm sure, but for me, no, it's the opposite for that. It's a... I've got my whole short hair, I've had a shave. I can feel the breeze going through my hair. That's nice.

It's not being choked. I can only you wear a hat when it's cold and I need... I need... My hat needs comfort like a sleeping bag. A beanie. is a very comfy hat. Yeah. If it's not too tight.

No, I mean, beanies are one of the few hats I can get away with without looking like a fucking criminal. It's also to do with the way you look in hats. I mean, that is an over part of it, but it's not the most important part. Because anyone who looks at my dress then so no, I don't really give a fuck about what I look like.

Oh, we've got this bridge coming up now. This is the big old bridge, isn't it? It's got railings, mate. Yeah, I don't recognize this. Is this a new bit? The last time we were here, remember we saw that thing about the tree and they were going to pull it down,

but it would damage the bridge. This is new, isn't it? Yeah. This is interesting. Certainly from a cheap show history perspective. Yeah, they've totally rebuilt this bridge, I believe. I mean, this is the first time I've been back since. I haven't been back that often.

I've done little segments when I've been wandering around. But I usually just jump on for like, you know, a five-minute stretch. I don't usually do the whole way. I think this could be newish. It's nice looking. Is someone going to turn around this? fucking idiots. It hasn't changed in 20 years and it's been like this. No, no. No. Weird. Weird, weird, weird, weird.

This was the bit where they were trying to save the trees. Yeah, because we sort of signed in. We did a whole shout out with the Haringay, Camden, whatever. Manage, Covee, didn't manage to save much trees. But as they said, like the tree itself was damaging the bridge and could cause problems, so. Yeah. So yeah, this, I think this is. Oh yeah, you can tell. This isn't you? You're right. So that's handy. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, this was it. Because this is the bench we sat on. Remember because we had those horrible drinks. We had them here. Yeah. It's quite handsome new bridge with green rails. I mean, you're going to have to take a picture, obviously. Because out of everything, people listening to this podcast, this is the big thing for them.

This would be like the hashtagged story. Got a nice bench here. This looks reasonably new. Oh. and the back of my shirt is absolutely soaked in sweat already. I just leapt back on it and it was damp, damp, damp. You're taking a picture of the bridge? Yeah.

Oh, okay, cool. So, yeah. Well, we're seeing changes, Eli. 200 odd episodes ago when we were last year. It's fun in it. I've got nothing more to... It's not very... It's functional.

It's functional. It's functional. I'd hope for something a little bit. more ornate or sort of you can't afford or Nate these days though you only afford functional you know i'm getting it yeah no i'm getting it yeah i know i think it's just the choice of gate that the railings that is a bit boring that's what i'm talking about yeah it's like yeah you could do something a bit more it's a bit council estate yeah want to a more country park vibe and this is like yeah city park look at those blocks of stone says he like i'm just going to take a seat for two minutes do you honor i'll be honest the me he does

You're done. 13 miles. Can I be honest? I don't know if I can make this journey without dropage at some point on the route. Oh my God, you've already been. I've been twice today. And I blame all the grapes I ate last night. I ate a lot of grapes.

Grapes are good for you? Yeah, but apparently you shouldn't really have more than a handful of day. Why? I can't remember, but it's bad if you have too many grapes in a day. Everything's fucking. They never shut up about things. I know. Red wine's good for you.

Red wine's bad for you. Chocolate's good for you. Chocolate's bad for you. Everything's good. It is the word that everyone hates to use, but it's true. Just moderation. Know your limits. Right, that PDA is done.

PDA? Yeah, public service and that OPSA. PDA is public displays of affection. Oh, there's been honour of that. Hey, there's been honour of that. Shut up. And there's no one around. No.

No. Come on. Kissy. Oh, I'm feeling all loved up and magical. No, I just want a minute to sit down, have a glass of drink of me water, and then we'll crack on, all right? All right, we're going to crack on.

Are we great? Because I don't seem to remember this being that quick, because this was really quick this year. Yeah, it's not that long, like you, we saw the sign. It was a mile to Highgate. We've reached it. Anyway, we're at the Batcave now, at the far end. They used to be the tunnel that went from a Highgate under the ground

and then would go to Orda Ali Pally, wouldn't it, at that point? Yeah. There was a whole sort of train yard abandoned here behind Highgate Station, wasn't there? So it's like a... And they've turned the... the tunnels now into a bat sanctuary or something. Bat sanctuary, yes.

And there's a man there. I think he's on his phone. I hope he's not waiting for a drug deal to go down. But I'm just going to have a little look. I know he's walking his dog, which means there's going to be dog droppings. And I don't see any bag in his hand. So I think he's thinking this is the perfect crime.

Scum. Right. Yeah, this is it. This is where we were last time. The tunnels. Let me just take a quick picture of Eli Wark and to the tunnels. It's really cool here, isn't it? Really is. I remember the laser pointer thing last time, didn't I?

Oh. Do you some Irmex around here? Well, I mean, there's no way, there's no way to get in there without a fucking bud saw or something or plasma cutters. No, because as I say, it's a bat sanctuary at this end, isn't it? And the other end, I think, is a, the other end's blocked off. So, on the other tunnel. Remember you had a piss here last time?

We took it a wee, yeah? Yeah, Eli had a big piss. Right. Yeah, there's another... They're basically bricked off the entrances and there's a little entrance... There's a little gate with a bats fly out. A piece of graffiti says the Lurkers.

Established 2012. Don't run. That'd be scary to see in the middle of the night if you were here and you hear. Come out to play. The Lurkers. The lurkers. Oh, it is chilly here, though, isn't it?

It's a weird, not weird, a cool, almost damp breeze. And if the sunlight gets down there. Right, we're going up past the boogaloo. Yeah, we're going to go up the boogaloo, which is, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. That pub that inspired Simon Pegg, sort of Sean of the Dead, blah, blah, blah. I think we should get straight into the woods there. Otherwise, we have to walk up the hill. It's really steep.

Let's just get onto the... Yeah. Get into the woods there. Yeah. Just across the road from the Bugaloo in the 20th Century Furniture Shop. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about?

Yes. Do you understand what I'm talking about, though? Yes. I lived here for a while, for a good chunk of my life. I'm very well aware of the Highgate Wood area. All right? All right. Anyway, we promise we come to the tunnels and speak to the bats,

and I went like that. Are you feeling pleased now about the 30 miles we've got left to go? Nah. No, I am. I am. I think we've got about 11 miles left now. No, 12. I reckon just under 12 now. At least 12. And what's the clock say in terms of our walk? I reckon it's been about an hour and a half, something like that. No, I think it's been more like 55 minutes.

Read, no, no. That's not it. An hour and 10? Oh, an hour and 10. Acceptable. Still though, isn't it? Let's go, take this back. You want to keep the air, it's got the little route. It's going up a little worn path. short cut that became a path. Nice little bit of rootage there to put your foot on and here

we go. We're coming out onto the main road. After my divorce my wife moved to that flat there. That's interesting isn't it? He says in front of a complete fucking stranger who looked at me weird. That man looked at me all weird because I came out to him to the mic saying oh my wife my ex-wife moved to that flat and he looked at me in the eye and gave me a shrug. I wasn't talking to you but I didn't say that. I thought it because it happened. five seconds ago fucking sake oh a bit steep this bit in it so we just come out of the woods well the parkland walk and there's booglu on the corner again another stop we've done on cheap show a few times we were there for the shorn of the dead walk we did oh yeah and we met paul putner who accompanied us

for a small moment was that during that walk yeah we met him at the pub member and then we went down and we dropped them off at Archway. The Boogaloo's had a new mural on this side. Oh, wow. Has it? Yeah, the birdies. Parakeets or crows. And a pigeon, I think there's all kinds of birds, actually.

Is it? I think so. Oh, God. Oh, and they say some nights you can visit this pub and you'll see the ghost of Chris Martin. Ooh. Yeah, charity shops here as well, some goodens. There's one up there, a one just here, a pet one.

Right, so here we are. Now, we're going to join. Oh, actually, we've got to go up the road. Ah, fuck's sake. Yeah, I forgot we got up this bit. Yeah, that fucking dude. What a dickhead. What was his fucking face like?

Fucking. He's going to. If you weren't, we could happen. He fucking looked like fucking shaking Stevens. Yeah. It looked like shaking Stevens in person though. Yeah. What an absolute tool.

Yeah. Like he gave me a fucking look, just because I was talking into this. I was like, don't look and look at me, you quiff-eared prick. So this route, just so you know, wants us to go down past the station that way. Yeah, let's do that. But no, we want to go to Archway Park at the corner because it will take a good 10 minutes off our walk if we do that. And we end up at the same place anyway. Go straight up and then we can get into the wood.

Yeah. From there. we're going to do. Okay. Because we're not going to be hard and fast with the, uh, with the walk. Jackson's Lane? Yeah. Did you ever perform in there?

Close. We nearly did a, back of the day, we nearly did a geekatorium there. Oh really? Yeah. But it fell through for various boring logistical reasons. It's a theatre space here in Highgate. Also this is where we did our walk for Halloween that time. And we looked for the, we went for the graveyard and we looked for the ghosts and shit at Highgate Cemetery.

No, but still we're crossing paths. We're crossing times. line lines are yes there's a sign of the north part of the parkland walk yeah but we won't be joining that we're not gonna we're not keeping by the rules we're not rule keepers on cheap show you should know this by now the grocery post yeah all lovely busy here yeah no it's this is this section there's always been a busy junction but we'll go we're good we're good right okay you don't need to hear this so we're just going to walk up now past arch gate arch gate archway highgate Fucking hell.

Yeah, cool. We're on our way. We're on our way. We're on our way. We're at a bench here in loving memory of Roy Coleman. What's you talking about? 1921 to 1999. He wasn't...

The guy off different strokes wasn't called Roy. I think he was. I'm reasonably confident. Right, we're in Highgate Wood still. We just had to sit down the bench, a smoke and a lovely, lovely iced coffee for me, Lai. Yeah, got the ice coffee. Tell us about your beans.

They are some medium roast beans. I believe they're called Mysore, which is a place in India. And they're from the Algerian coffee shop on Old Compton Street in Soho. Great place, if you like coffee. They're on the darker side of the roast. They're on the darker side of the roast, but those are medium by their standards. But they would be dark by a lot of people's standards. and they have this, a lot of beans which they call high roast,

which are super charred. They're super black and oily, you know? Yeah. And that's the stuff I like, with that really... Like it. Really bitter. Yeah, anyway, it was a nice coffee and just what I needed, to quote the cars. But how has that...

What? How has the medicine been for the bowledge? Well, here's my problem when you mix coffee and a packed-up bunghole. One gives way to the other at some point. And I think, I honestly think, if I'm being... being honest with you, I'll make it through this walk without having to shit in the woods. We've come to the open field. It's basically a cricket pitch in the middle of Highgate Wood. I spent a lot of time here. A lot of time here in my youth.

There we go through here or around there. But I just need to put my foot up here. He's putting his foot up on a log. Good log. Good action. There he is. Doing his laces. I'm going to take a picture of this. Adonis. What a fucking Adonis he is. It's really nice all of a sudden. So, yeah. The bronze adonis. Smoked some opium over there. Is there anywhere in London, you don't have a memory of smoking drug somewhere?

Well, no. Right, are we going this way through the woods or the path? It's just opium, that's why it was notable. Right. My mate brought some opium back from somewhere. It's actually hard to get opium quite burnt. Burning, you know?

That's why they used to, in all those, in the tinting novels and stuff. What tintin on? They have to get it burning, then they put it in the pipe. There's a whole regular roll, isn't it? In Tintin, there was opium. Yeah.

I'm not saying this not. Have you not read all the Tintins? I haven't read all the Tintins. I've read like three or four. There's a lot of plots involving drug trade. That's all opium. There's one called the Opium Eaters. Tintin and the Opium meters.

Is there? Yes. I'll have to take your word for it. He was like a spy kid, you know. It was like a... Oh yeah, it was all like, you know, subterfusion, spy work. And war and stuff. You know, it was all quite adult.

I mean, you can see why Spielberg took a liking to that kind of stuff. It has that Saturday morning adventure vibe, doesn't it? Yeah. But there you go. You've seen the tinting movie? I have. It's all right, for what it is. I think it would have been better if it'd been live action, but, you know...

What's with that new one? The disclosure, looks so... So boring. My partner went to see it who's a big Spielberg fan and did not take to it. But it seems to have split people. What does that mean? It's good luck. One for sorrow, two for joy.

Three for a girl. four for a boy. Five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret, never to be told. Oh, you've remembered that all of a sudden. Just came into my head. I've got cobwebs on my face now. Well, at least they're not on your nuts.

Well, I can't even vouch for that really at this point because almost two hours in, the chafe has begun. The chafe is on. Yeah, the chafe. The new Bradley Walsh quiz show, The Chaf. Bradley Walsh, oh yeah. Because he does The Chase,

and I was doing a gag about that called The Chaf. I hear you. where you get sore balls and thighs. I hear you. So, I mean, luckily, I'm wearing tight boxes today, so everything is kind of in its place. I hear you. So the chafing is mostly to the inner nut sack thigh area,

whatever you want to call that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, I hear you. Yeah, I hear you. Right, so yeah, Highgate Park. We're walking to, is it Bridgegate or something we decided, which takes us out onto a little suburban area,

which takes us through cherry tree. Yeah? Okay. It's on the other side of the cricket pitch. Yeah. Which I keep forgetting about because I always lose myself in the woods and then go, oh yeah, there's a whole big field here.

In the centre of Highgate Woods. Yeah. Where cricket takes place. Yeah? I know it's gone at all here. It's got one of those cricket shield things. Yeah, which, you know. I've played Aeroby up here.

I've had picnics up here. Oh, someone's got one of those boomerangs. Do you see that? Which ones? The Aereby ones? Yeah, did you see it? I know, it's a real boomerang. Yeah, it's a real boomerang.

Here we go. He's flicking it. It's going in the air. Ooh. Oh, got a bit of wind at the end there. You see that? Yeah. You could have got that.

The problem is, part of me is going to hit my fucking face if I go. They're hard to catch it. That's cut across. And that one, that guy in Mad Max 2 tried to catch it and he got his fingers cut off, didn't he? There's a little high gate wood cricket nets. If you want to practice your swing.

Actually, let me just check. Yeah, we'll go around the back of it this way. See, there's a path there. Sweet. And also there's lots of big boys and kids, and I don't want to cross them. I need a piss. So, do you want to work up to that?

Would you work up to it? Well, find a place that you are comfortable in, having a piss. Just there, you know, within spitting distance of a bunch of young people. Go for it. Actually, that looks a place, cloistered enough to allow you to wee. So I'll leave you to it. Cloistered enough, did you just like you?

Yes. You ran them into each other. Close enough. I am buried close enough. Welcome to the news. Oh, there's a bonfirey thing there and a kind of stack of tree. It's more like a witch's tent. Yeah, something.

But there's loads of families out today. Enjoying the park. When's the first day of school off? Is it? School's out. School's out. There's a tent there. A proper tent.

Is it? Yeah, it's a tall tent. It's kind of... Well, it's kind of... Well, it's kind of the tent you use if it's a toilet or if you want to get changed. It looks like a toilet or changing tent. Yeah. If you ever went to latitude, you'd always see some fucking conk with one of those tents

so they can use it just to get changed. Yeah, but they're the type who had a camper van. Blamping. I saw some pictures, Robin Inns, obviously doing latitude. Yeah, because I mean, that's a festival built for him, isn't it really? But he posted some pictures on Instagram. And I recognise, you know, the backstage that's that sort of road. Oh, yeah.

All the backstage camping is on. I recognised it. It's crazy. It's weird how you recognise a place that it's just some trees and a bit of ground, you know what I mean, but you still recognise the structure. It looks very dry. Oh mate, I mean... It looks all like white, yellow, the grass completely, you know. Even on the number of times we did latitude.

It was pretty dry and hot on those occasions. And then the green man being very muddy and multy and wet and horrible. Yeah. But, uh... Look, the bat box? H6. Oh, yeah. I do. Cool.

I'm going to take a picture of that. Bda-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-d-d-d-d-box. Oh, I've got a text. Oh, I was a bit frightened then. In case it was one of those nasty messages, but it's not. It's just doctor saying the tests have come back and I should come in immediately. I don't know why you can't block those numbers. Because they keep coming in from new numbers.

You'd like to find another bench. Has someone had a problem with this person's bench? No, I just think it's not been very well etched, so it's faded because people have been lying on it over the years and rubbing up against it. you know, time erodes. Don't it? Time erodes. It does. Right, I think. I haven't got any energy, Paul.

I'm all right, actually. I'm not feeling too bad right now. I think that sit down, a bit of water and a bit of a... Oh, I had a bomb spasm for biting down on it. Oh, four. Are we going to need to go in a pub and take your shit? I mean, I'm just going to say it might be on the docket. Or get a few dock leaves.

Find a cozy place in the woods. I can see some duck leaves now. I can see dark leaves over there right now. I know. It's the favourite bit of getting in. I could wipe my hairy ass with one leaf. I've taken a shirt in the woods and ain't got no paper. I'm going to take a...

A massive emergency shit in the woods. It came out runny, I can't control the flow. Lots of noise and smell, oh God, oh God, no. I've shot myself, shut myself. You need to work on subtlety. No, that's the funny bit when I come in. I shut myself, shut myself. Do you want to not?

All right, no, do they though? Because no one likes that. because I am someone and I don't like it Okay, that is logically defeated my argument there Thank you It's about time I win Where are we now so Where's all that is that?

Where's all that? What's all that on that side? Is that like the train tracks or something? Oh yeah, you're right, yeah Far edge It's going to be down here on the left The gate we want to exit the woods Past these Pasties logs

We were saying pasties as in corner past ease oh god oh awesome your pants are falling down oh I don't know if I need a poo if it's just one big fart and it's not coming

well oh this is something you should ascertain it's going to it's going to really ascertain it's going to really affect my gait ascertain oh yes no I get it

hey hey assercertain I'm going to shit my pants. Here it's down in the nook. It's down in here. It's a nook somewhere, right. It's down in the bottom of the valley floor. Down in the valley in a little nook.

Paul I, Paul and Eli, reading the book. Add a little fuck. No, no mouth. Spiff, spaff, gubble, gobble down his back. Oh, spliss, splash, gobble, gobble down his back. Oh, splis splash, gubble, down his back.

And he thrust, down he thrust Eli up in a bush. I'm very musical today and brilliant I'm brilliant and musical brilliantly musical I thought it was here but it isn't here No but we're not too far Well listen look I'm going to let's shut up and check our map

And then we'll come back to our lovely audience a little bit That's what I'm thinking yeah so let's just check it now Right we're out the woods we found bridge gate It took us over a bridge That Eli hadn't seen before I've never seen that exit from Highgate Wood before I think it was expecting a different exit which is the one which is down in a little sort of at the bottom of the valley you know that one

we've been up there before but yeah really good exit with a lovely alleyway and an old bridge that must be part of the old rail infrastructure that bridge i could only imagine i don't know but we've come out and we went down what was it foraldington street and now we're heading into literally right away cherry tree oh this is cherry tree here yeah so we go through these gates and then we're into cherry tree which is the park i used to know and love when i lived in east finchley for the best part of a decade no it is just here Indigo Walk. Capital Ring. This way, there's a sticker. No electric scooters. And here we are. Welcome to Cherry Tree Wood. This is a locked park. There's a sign in everything. Yeah. Cool. There's a toilet here. There is. But it might be Mankoff.

Well, you're only going for a wee-wee, aren't you? It might be Edward D. Mankovitz who wrote Citizen Kane. What are you fucking talking about? Was he called Manky or something? Mankovitz. What was that film with... Mank, it was called. Was it called Mag? The Fincher movie about the making of... Because wasn't Fincher's like relative involved with the writing of it

and that's why he made it or something, I don't know. Oh no, his dad wrote a script about the right guy who wrote Citizen Kane. And then that was... Yeah, toilets and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, sorry. There's a little calf. So do you want to go wee-wee-wee? Actually, yeah, I had to take a break here as well.

Sweet. I'm going to leave Eli to urinate in peace for anyone out there who's desperate for... more yoring treats and tricks that ain't happening simply because you know it was funny for a while

and then it kind of got boring so I'm going to stop doing that unless it's really funny and I can do it anyway in Cherry Tree where I used to live oh no East Finchley but the park was close and I've talked about this before

so again nice to be back this journey takes us across all sorts of memories in our history and past I might get an ice cream from the from the cafe there because that'd be quite nice wouldn't it? Right, shut up Paul right, we had a quick sit down

in Cherry Tree Park I'm about to leave now and head towards each Finchley station Jesus wept mate Sorry You fucking grotesque, pointless grotesque beast Come on mate, we've all burbs No, but not like that

Viantly, exaggeratedly Unnecessary allowed that needed to be I just took a I'm a human, Paul. You're not human. I've yet to see conclusive proof that you're 100% human and not like at least 10% dog. It's just a trick of the light in loving memory of Joe Hogan.

I don't know who that is and why I don't know why it's just a trick of the light is the quote. Maybe it's just the funny thing Joe Hogan said to someone every now and then. I think it's... You know, have you put on weight and he'd say, nah, it's just a trick of the light, you know, that kind of thing. I think it's... Yeah. Well, maybe you had something. to do his career or something?

Maybe he was a magician or a photographer. Photographer, yeah. Or into optical illusions. Right, what are you doing? Nothing. Well, get up then? I'm almost ready. Just give me a...

Eli went for a wee. Eli went to pee, he peed in, cherry tree forest, he had a little wee in, a mate. Do you know what I really hate about taking a piss in shorts? You feel the splash on your legs from your yore in. The last splash must be there all the time. It is all the time, but you don't realize. Every man's trousers legs are covered in little flecks of their urine.

I mean, it depends on the toilet you pee into, but like those ones are those ceramic walls, aren't they? And splash more. Like a little urinal isn't probably too bad. It's an unsettling feeling having your shins speckled with your own pee. And maybe the odd splash of someone else's from the pulled pee on the floor. Well, I didn't think that far ahead. I think. I think that.

Did you see the little drawing someone made of a nude lady on the toilet wall? Yeah. Did you take a picture? Yeah. Good. Send me it. be on our website. I didn't take a picture. Was it wank worthy? Nah, mate. And I can wank to nearly anything.

If I see it a certain knee in a position of a lady, I'll be like, oh, you're dirty knees. Dirty knees. What am I going to do this? I have to decant the rest of my Diet Coke into my mask. We'll do that then. Oh, God, you're such a doodler, though. You literally two minutes ago when, are you ready to go, mate? You ready to go? Come on, then.

I am a doord. And then... So we're all flawed in different ways, Paul. Yeah, well... We're all flawed in different ways. you more than most again we want to the fan favour

it's just because you're so hypocritical when it comes to like motivation you'll be like Paul come on pull your finger out running late alright then I turn this all on and then you turn around

and go alright good five well with it I just want to do this and then do that and then make a fucking drama out of a crisis oh he's fucking pour this thing into his flask

and his phone's going off isn't he popular isn't he popular God, it won't stop. It's just your fucking mates complaining about things to you that you then tell me and I have no interest.

Jesus, Paul. I'm just saying, hate your friends. Like enough. I don't even have any friends. That's the worst thing. That's the worst thing. I have you, and that's it. Everyone else is just people I work with

and smile at me. And your partner? I know, obviously I'm a partner But you know what I mean? There's a difference there There's not someone I can go to who isn't her To talk about my feelings You talk about your feelings to me I don't want to

Because you are you making this so confessional today I don't know I feel the dawn of 500 weighing on me And we're walking past so many areas And obviously this place was like where I might have been my most miserable And yet at the same time this was a sanctuary to me Was a solace Yeah

So I don't know it makes me, I don't know I wish I had mates. I wish I had a social life. Oh, come on. I wish, you know what? I wish it was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl, if I did, I would call her.

I wish I had a rabbit with a back and a hat. A six point in parlor. They're the things I want. Is that what the lyric is? Yeah, a car. Something like that. Close enough anyway. Shallow man, Ski-Lo.

Well, it's a joke song, in it. That was the only hit you had. Yeah, good song though. Fucking textbook 90s, West Coast. LA jam, G-funk kind of thing. It's fucking great. It's a hip-hop one. Pop, hip-hop.

Yeah, but you know. Some people don't even get that. Some people don't even have that as a legacy, and I think that's a fucking great track. Yeah. I find it, it annoys me now. Really? Yeah.

I find it's never played on the radio enough. It's basically a novelty song, isn't it, really? No. Yeah. I wish I was taller, because it's a joke. You're just angry because it's about you. You relate to it. I don't wish that anymore.

You do. I don't. I would get my leg split, wouldn't I? I'd go to China and get my leg split. Wouldn't I? No, you could just imagine being taller. I don't. Would you ever consider that surgery?

Never. Having your legs snapped in your femur or whatever it is? Yeah, never. I would never would. You see, I don't care. What do they put in the gap that they break? They just put metal and tie it all together like Meccano. Basically, you never regain the stable, the sturded, you know, the structure.

I think that would psychologically fully. So you're taller, yeah, great, you're taller. But you're less able to, like, perform anything physically or walk. See, that's what would get to me, knowing in my head that in my legs there is a gap. Yeah. And they can snap, well, easy. And you're like, we're talking about six months of, like, regenerative therapy. In bed.

To get, fucking crazy. No, not for me. To be that hung up on being tall, you know? For some people, it's, you know, what they need, ironically, psychologically, to get. through the rest of their life maybe, you know? But that's what I'm saying. I've come to terms. I'm not like skiler.

I don't wish I was taller. No, you're just skeevy. I may be skeevy, but at least I'm happy with who I am physically. At least he's not a little bit taller. At least he's not a baller. At least he's happy with who he is. Now, sometimes I wish I was a baller.

That's what you wish you were a baller. Oh, mate, we all wish we were ballers. Don't we? That's a great term, isn't it? Yeah. It's like a player, isn't it? A baller. Yeah, but it's like in the 90s,

but everyone said, oh, you're so money. It's that kind of thing, isn't it? You're so money. What's that from, swingers? Yeah. Yeah. Man, you're so money. Here we are.

Anyway, so we're leaving Cherry Tree, and as we come out, we'll be facing East Finchley Road and then East Finchley Station. Yeah. Is that really the route then, left and then down the Bishops Avenue? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm happy to check again,

but honestly, that was one of the things I remember most because I was like, oh, it takes us that way. Okay. You know, it was a triggering memory. Have a little look here. Yes, tell you what, just to keep Eli happy. I'm going to pull out, because we've been using the GoJointly app today to do this route because it has walks all over the place.

And so we have picked the Conquer the Capital Ring, Go Jointly thing. But we're going backwards. But we're going backwards because, yeah, we're going 12 to 10. And I think now, no, we're in 11 now, aren't we? We must be. Yeah, we're in Section 11 right now. So, yeah, yeah, so we're on stage, obviously going backwards, we're on stage, I've got my glasses on 47. So yeah, look, see, we go along there through the station.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, and then we go down to, what's that say? The Institute Arts Centre. Yeah, so we're walking along there and then down that alleyway again, and then there, there, there. In fact, I think we've go past that fucking house, they film Sean the Dead, whereas mum lives. But anyway, that's the route. we're going straight to the station down a little alleyway up a bit down that long alley we go right it past the station no but yeah up the hill a bit you'll recognize when we get to it because we did

that walk for the Sean of the Dead walk okay that's the way is it okay that's the way cool so the road of the dead walk yeah see it's funny how this walk has overlapped so many of our previous and this is something we've wanted to do for a while and funnily enough now that we're getting to do it at 500 kind of feels celebratory cool I'm just saying right okay Well, we're out the park and we're heading across the road. So, join us a little bit later. I think you can join us a little bit later. He stopped.

Right, good. Just that's what he does sometimes. Rio Cinema celebrates 50 years for the people by the people. I don't know what that is. Right, shut up. What you doing? What are you doing? You're stopping to answer more messages?

Hey? Did I say you could? did I say you could answer phone messages from your friends right you're being docked money how about that yeah that fucking woke you up didn't you the minute I fucking take away your pennies when you're with me it's cheap show time

oh my god shut up and you do cheap show I don't want to hear from your friends I don't want to hear their anecdotes just jealous yeah I am and I'm using my power to stamp down on your social oh god yeah

this is meant to be how and now it's Tesco Express. It's both, isn't it? It's got the Tesco at the bottom. Yeah. Hello, there's the McDonald's H.K. Is it still? Yeah. I believe so.

You can see the M. Yeah. You can see quite a discreet M on the door there. They used to have like a whole sign. Maybe you're just talking to the microphone. They used to have a restaurant here, I'm sure, didn't they? Oh, I couldn't tell you that. Certainly not while I was here, did they ever have one?

And I was here since about 2004 to 2014. It's just the headquarters of McDonald's. headquarters of McDonald's UK? I think so, yeah. That's probably where they came up with the Philly Cheese stack behind those doors. That's where the magic happened.

That's where the McDonald's boffins. That's where the generals in the sauce war are... We should march in and demand our say in the source war. What's our say? That we get to decide sources for McDonald's. Imagine if we could be our power of source. Oh my God. There'd be big changes around where.

We'd sweeping changes. They'd have an actual hot sauce. A good one. Yeah. We bite. We're going this way. Really? Yeah. Through the station?

Yeah, yeah. Nice. This is what I was saying. This is why I was like... It's a nice room. It's nice and cool in here as well. A lot of people's favourite station. I believe...

Who it is. Jerry Seinfeld. No, not Jerry. Jerry... Jerry. No, the other Jerry. The one who did the chat show. No, not that Jerry.

Jerry and the pacemakers. Jerry Springer. He used to live or was born around here during the Second World War or something. He was, wasn't he? Yeah. It's a lovely station. I love the tiling. It's beautiful.

It is, but again, in times with me, those early hours going to attempt you by fucking hated back in the day. It reminds you that. Here we're at the back, the other entrance. And we were here for an episode ages ago as well. We've been here once or twice, but definitely for the show on the dead one. Yeah, but before that. I can't remember. Right, we go, no, we're not, uh...

Wait. Oh, wait. I think we go up and then over. Yeah, we do go up this way and not that way. Yeah, otherwise we'll go back to the main road and that's daft. But it says the Bishops Avenue is that way. This is why I was confused. Yeah, I can understand that.

You didn't mean the Bishops Avenue. No, we're walking along it. Up to Dean's Way, yeah? We're basically walking along it, but from the other side of it. But I was giving you the Bishops Avenue as a kind of directional cue of... Oh, fine, whatever. But we're still on the ring, because they just saw a sign there that said ring. And there's a sign.

We're going to take a left just here, right? I can see a capital ring sign there. I think it was a Christmas walk. also came along here maybe once i don't know either way either way yeah right okay i'm going to put a bow on this and we'll come back to them and we found another note full place to report from congratulate you paul on what you haven't said seeing a bit one mate i've had oh you have no idea you have no idea how close i've been to say in that so i'm i'm very thankful oh here we go yeah i'll see it a bit after wandering through the

what's this area well it's sort of the other side of it's it's not the hamster suburbs or whatever you call it though it's close to the hamster garden suburbs it's just up there it's basically part of the same neighbourhood but not officially part of that development not the socialist housing thing

no we came down Vivian way it's basically on the other side of East Finchley Station yeah and then we've come through this on the ring this is towards Bishop's Woods bowling club but it takes us to whatever this field's called again. But I love this little kind of magic garden type approach. It's like between two hours, this little alleyway.

And then it opens up into this big field ahead of us. And it's inviting. It really is, isn't it? A lovely oak tree here at the entrance. What I like is, like, you go to Hampstead Heath. It's mobbed. You know, you go to the Hyde Park. It's mobbed.

You can just go, like, half an hour in the bus and get here. It's completely empty. and it's huge. Look at this, it's beautiful. Yeah. What is this park called? It's so good for Aribi as well. Bishopswood?

Maybe it's Bishops Wood. Open your Google Maps and then just have a look. But yeah, Christ, there's no one here, and it's expansive. And what's that building over there? It looks all old, like the fucking, like the prisoner. Is that? I don't know what that is. I think that's...

I don't know. That's Hampstor Garden Suburbs. But what's that big manor house with almost kind of... No, it's a church, right at the top. Do you remember there's all that stuff? Yeah, but it looks very antipelan, that building, the way it's got the kind of fake pillars and the arched front and stuff. You know, very kind of original haunted mansion design.

I just never noticed it before. I find it interesting. But this, funnily enough, was where we ended up recording episode 4.50. This little patch of land. I think we're over there. We've come in from a different way. Yeah, there's the bowling club. Lovely.

Yeah, that is house of the garden suburbs. It is. But watch that big building, though. Do you know? That does not like a church. Oh no. No, I've forgotten. I was going to say, wasn't it like a boys' school

that it was closed down and became a thing, isn't it, that building? No, there's a bunch of... Hang on, don't go walk away and talk, I can't... There's a bunch of church buildings up there. Anyway, I can't find out what this park is called, but there is a brook. And do you know what the brook's called here?

The mutton brook. Oh! Should dress it up like lamb! I don't know why I thought that was funny. I'm going to press the button This is Littleton playing fields. Just so as you know. Oh there's another big park over there.

That's a hamster Heath extension over that way. But we're not going that way, unfortunately. We're walking away. The first quest we ended up there. Do you remember after walking down the hole of the Dollars Brook? We played the Jenga. That's where we played the Jenga on the other side of that. There's a couple of crows out here.

There's a big field here at Littleton wreck. What? Look at those crows with their mouths open. You think that's right? They're panting like a dog. Must be, huh? Oh, I hope they find a puddle. I hope they find a puddle.

They're smart. Oh yeah, no, crows are smart enough. They could peck our eyes out and feast on its juicy innards. I hope they don't have that idea. You never know, do you? Oh, we should... Well... I'll take a quick picture of this expansive field.

It's great. Get you in. Yeah, look at that There's some crows Yeah, there's no one here I mean a few people obviously around the fringes But like the field it's I mean Maybe it's because everyone's like I'm not going to sit out in the fucking middle of this

It's fine, I mean that old dear I mean that guy who's bent forward double With two walking sticks walking I'd be like On a day like this mate, fucking fair play Yeah Yeah It's gonna be us Episode 3,000

actually we would never live to see 3,000 would we be done by our kids the cheap kids we don't have 3,000 so divided by 52 it's not going to happen I think we'd have to live Divide by 50 let's say

Yeah It's 50 into a thousand is 20 Yeah 20 years 20 to no 20 times Oh yeah we're not going to be alive 20 times

Mate we're not going to be alive for it Did you say 3,000? Yeah. 20 times 3? 60 years. Yeah, we're not going to be alive in 60 years. I'm sorry. Even with the advancements of...

In medical science, you don't know. I know, but... We might all be immortal living on Mars. Right, let's just say the bodies we have now will not be around in 60 years. Can we at least agree on that? I'm not going to agree on anything. I'm not...

I mean, someone could run every single episode of Cheap Show through AI and then just carry on making episodes after we're gone. I think it's already going on. Mate, you see this track? Do you want to do 100 metre run or whatever it is? That is 100 metres. Do you want to do it?

I'm not doing it now. I'm happy to do it. Look, you've been saying it for a fucking 10 years that you would rinse it. Why not? Now's just got a time as any. We're never going to get any fitter than this, right? No, I want a proper race that is prepared.

I'm not just going to do it. What do you mean by prepared? We don't even know if that's exactly 100 metres. We have no idea. And no one to adjudicate it. There's no way I'm doing it, Paul. Just... This reeks of change me mind because you're definitely going to beat me.

No? Because I do think I would beat you. Let's get a date and a location. Right now? Right here. No. Look, this has to be 100 metres. Just by lieu of it's been drawn on the floor.

Do they draw 50 metres? I'm not doing it. You'll cheat. I hate you. I can set a thing on my phone that goes, beep, beep, beep. And then you shoot off. No. And we end here.

And I could stick the 360 camera right here and cross the finishing line. I haven't got the right shoes. Neither do you. Bear thought it. No way. You fucking big baby coward. Fucking. Every other year.

Oh, I'll ace you in it. Here we go. We got a fucking track right at all that it's printed. Next week. Here. Yeah? No, next week is not going to happen because I've got a ton of work and working on I during the day.

Now's the time. I've got an inhaler with me so I won't die. So we've got that going for us. It's content as well. You might die anyway. How about a short run? I'm not doing a run. If you want to have a run, it's fine.

I'll save my energy. We've got miles to go. Paul, we've got miles to go here. I think this conclusively reveals that I would beat you. I'm ready to go right now. I'm ready to go and be beaten by you right now just to fucking close the book on this. I'm not closing the book on it.

It's fine. I'm not doing it with no adjudication. I'm sorry. Oh, dear. So you can't possibly do this. this until we find a third person. We need a third person to fire a gun and then run to the other end before us to make sure. Or two other people.

I just think this is excuses. We're going to have sports day, weren't me? Looks like excuses to me. We were going to have sports day. Yeah. Forgo all that. No, I'm not going to forego all that. No, I'm not going to forego all that.

I want to beat you in a race right now because we could have. We could have. I'm not doing it. We have to keep on with the bloody walk. Stop being so not. I'm not being a knob. It's why you haven't got any friends. This is why you don't ever have.

There's loads of reasons why I don't have fucking friends, mate. Loads. Go on Listern. Anti-social. I don't like being in groups. I get mentally tired after talking with people for a long fucking time, except for this, when I seem to go into Paul Gannon podcast mode. You know?

Anything else? Hate people. Yeah. People rub me up the wrong way. Can't form conversations without things that interest me being the forward momentum of that discussion. Now we're seeing now. Now we're end. See, this is the thing about me.

I'm happy to be confessional and put myself out there. So am I? Yeah, you're not. You won't do a race with me after. fucking complaining for years that you could do it. Fine. You think what you like, Paul. I do. You think what you like. I'm trying to save this fucking episode, is what I'm trying to do.

How are you saving anything? Because we've got to get a shift going here. We all have a little run. Oh, jog. Should we jog now? Come on. I just wanted them go away. No, it's all right. I just wanted you to go away for a bit. So I get mine.

Right, we're leaving the park. One of our... How many parks have we crossed through now? That's what I mean? Four? I like this sign. Oh, yeah. It's got homes for bees in it.

And, uh, habitat. And look, there's a little flying, there's a little flying bug in there. A bug in there's a flying ant. What's happening? There's a, there's a, do you have you noticed? It hasn't been an ant day last couple of years. Like midges and stuff. No, there's a, every year there's like flying ant day.

Do you remember? I don't remember being on the calendars. No, it's not on the calendar. It's just a day where everyone goes, oh my God, there's a flying ant. I don't think I've seen a flying night in 10 years. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

What happened to them. Right. Right. we are at the gate. I need to check where we go next now because I'm not quite sure if we go left, right or whatever. So hang on. Let's stop walking until I've had a look. All right, we'll get to the gate at least. Keep opening up the geocash fucking thing because it's the exact same colour and shape as my GoJointly app. Right, we're on stage section 11 heading towards 10. Oh yeah, we're halfway through this now, so I would say we're halfway through. Does it say left? Yeah. I think, yeah, because we're going to join Mutton Brook.

Yeah, mutton brook, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're doing this. Let's join Mutton Brook. Yeah, no, it's nice. We're going to cross the Mattenbrook. Oh, I know where we are. This is where all those little calves and stuff are as you go towards Golders Green.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wait, no, we need to be on the other side of it because that's strictly speaking, the thing. Isn't it? Once again, Paul and Eli found ourselves walking along a brook or a stream or a river or a canal. This has got a bit of everything this walk, hasn't it?

Except no games and food because, you know, could not be fucked for doing that this time out. Hope you don't mind. But here we go, yeah, here's the, here's mutton brook. I mean, I presume it's based on a... Oh, hang on, we're going to have to come off this at some point and head on to another main road. It's fine, let's get along. No, no, it's all good. And then, yeah, there's the, we head towards, I mean, you know what?

I don't know why I'm complaining. There's probably going to be some good signage. We've been all right so far. The signage is good for the cast. This is very pretty, isn't it? It's great around here, yeah, lovely. What's really nice is the brook has been culverted and it's got walled, brick, brick banks. Yeah.

Lovely. Pants will keep falling down and showing me undies off. I'm like one of those youths. That's fantastic. I don't think I've ever walked down this bit. No. we did when we did the original

Dollis Brook Quest we did come around these parts close did we walk up here this going to go in the other way took us to the Hamstiv Hath extension that's much further south and behind us basically

it's a really lovely little landscape park with the mutton brook going through the centre of it right well we're just going to carry on walking then so we will come back to you at another point of interest until then sound effect unless as I'm editing this it's not appropriate to put a sound effect anyway

which case it will just fade out and fade into the next bit. So I'm covering the bases. Didn't need to say that either. So on our route, another little mark has gone by. We've just crossed our first Gannon's Golden Quest area. This is a little wood. Yeah, should we join it? Are we going down here?

No. Are you sure? We don't go anywhere near this because we need to... There's a little pathway down here. No, but where we're going is across... Right, the other side of the big right. Yeah. We need to cross the north circular.

But we were coming in from the opposite direction last time. And we did Golden Quest, right? Because we went on that side, along, past the suburbs, towards Littlewood and onto the extension. Down there? On that side of it, yeah? Remember you had your roller skates on and I tried to push you down a big hill. I fell over. Did you try and push me?

Yeah. I did fall over on the video bit. Yeah, but that had nothing to do with me. No, no. It was just the one I wanted you to fall over. I didn't record. But yeah, so we were coming up from the other day. direction from up that way.

That's right, yeah. So, yeah, we're crossing paths of yet another walkabout episode. It wasn't intentional, but I've loved the way this is actually kind of become a document of our walks have passed. It really has. Apart from the south walks we've done. Yes. But it brought to mind this, the culverted rivers with the little parks built on either side,

it's very like that walk we did. I can't remember the name of the river, but the one for the safari of the character. Oh yeah, that was south of the river, wasn't it though? Yes. Down, we started in Catford, didn't we? Yeah. Oh, see, we're here. House with the land.

Now, do you see? David Bowie lived there or something you said. I want to check this out at some stage. What? You see this new build thing here, it's that whole row of houses and they're kind of... It's been there for a while, I think. Yeah, but it's new and it's quite famous because they've done a... It's very modern, but look, do you see all those units?

And they'd like a... Yeah. It's called... Oh, that's a cafe, sorry. No, that's what the rose called. I don't know. Hyde and teak, no, that's no. It's a furniture shop. I literally just said that.

It's no store, cafe? Yeah. Well, it might be a cafe. I don't know. Teak, what, you buy a teak and chips, yeah? It might be pizza, fire, fire grilled pizza. You wouldn't use teak to make pizza, mate.

It's like poshwood. It's furniture. Maybe it's a cafe. Vintage, cafe and food. drink and pizza fire flame pizza. Oh. Definitely what it says. No, it doesn't.

It says vintage furniture and shit. But you know, you went for it. Yeah, well, you buy it real quick. Brent Cross, Henley, Cucrat. So now I think we need to cross here and across or maybe further up. Hang on. Let me get the phone now. Because we are going to have to cross a few roads now, I think, to get onto the rest of the

circular. See these new builds? They're nice. Why take a picture of that? Yeah. Because I don't want it here from here. all these windows going onto the road, but then there's a road on the other side where all the entrances are. So it's well designed in terms of this very busy north circular road here.

Wait, where are we? Okay, we're already on where we need to go. So yeah, we just need to cross this road ahead of us and then stay on Mutton Brook. Not to cross here, not crossing. No, no, we go straight on and then we cross at the junction. Henley's corner. Don Henley. There's a lovely modernist concrete church here

And this is Finchley So do you remember the ghost hunt we did? Yeah If you take a right up here And go up for like 20 minutes up that way That's where that is That's where Finchley House was, yeah Again, another episode

If anything, that episode's quite important In terms of it led to night busing Because that end episode ended up with us getting a bus back to yours At like, what was it? Like two in the morning, three in the morning. It was four. I think it was three.

Either way. Yeah. Well, that's where it was. we came up with the idea for doing a spin-off series for Patreon where we get a bunch of nightbuses and hope we don't get beaten up. Nightbussing everybody. Open to patrons at any level? Yeah, it's an all-tears one. And actually I've decided for August because it's our 500th episode, all content will be for all tiers in August, I've decided. So top-tier video, crap book and the video for this, all top tier.

Yeah, just for patrons, but all patrons will get access to all the content we were released in a month. Yeah, but only for that period. Only for August to celebrate 500. You know, because it might encourage people who don't do top tier to see in one of those episodes and go, oh, maybe. See what they're missing. Because we do, you know, slightly more like cheap show visual-focused content for that,

those videos. That's the modernist church I'm talking about. Yeah. It's quite striking. So look, see, we came from that direction last time when we followed the Dollis, brook for the thing. Because it ended up there. We came down here.

Yeah, I know. I'm saying we came from that direction. Or that direction. I can't fucking remember now. You know, it was that direction. Oh no, it was that direction? Should we stop saying that direction? That direction.

Noisy though. It's this side, because the brook's this side. We were this side. It came down there. Okay. So we are crossing that then? Yeah. Oh, crossing streams again.

It's basically overlapping that part of that. Oh, yeah. Literally we go right up to the Dollis Brook. Yes, that's right. Oh, fucking hell! Oh this is a lovely happenstance. We're also going towards Brent Cross. I don't want to alarm you, Paul.

We're going via it and not through it. It's a sign Brent Cross this way. We're going straight up there. Yeah, abandon all hope, ye who go there. It's what it fucking needs to say. So wicked. We get to go past the place where you did your roller skating. That's right.

That's right. Already have. And we got a hot salt beef sandwich or whatever is. That's up there. Yeah, we went and did that. See, look, Dollis Valley Greenwood. Yes. We did that.

North to Moat Mount. Did we ever go to Moat Mount? Little and big wood, yes, see? Yeah. And then we're still on the ring. We could have gone that way actually, realising now. Yes. But doesn't matter.

It doesn't really matter. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're literally going to, I just cross here, no. Right. Egg London. What do you think that means? House of Silk.

Are these things well attended? Because you see these all the time. These raves, yeah. Nondescript rave posters. It's like a date. a venue and then all these people I don't know. Whigman. The few remaining all night.

There's an argument going on with a bus driver. Or a woman. Oh, his door wasn't closed properly. He was open her. It was a child as well. Oh, God. The baby would have fell out and then fell under the wills of a bus and then popped like a watermelon.

That wouldn't be good. Spraying its viscera. Here we go. Yes, Dollis Valley Green walk north to moat mount via via winds open space. Yes, it is also the capital ring. So they overlap here. yes here we go I didn't know we've been here before yeah again this is where you did your

roller skating thing as well this side just a little bit further up yeah I think around the bend but here we are back on the Dallas walk walk walk how lovely yeah it's nice around here and this is also shaded although it does have some stink pipes and I seem to remember us going oh doesn't it smell a bit like shit round here well we don't know we're gonna because when do we come off this now we do we do have have to come off this. This, we follow now all the way to the Dollisbrook and then take a sharp left and follow it along.

Because last time we came off the Dollisbrook to finish this walk to the Hampstead Heath extension. That's right. Because our goal was the extension and not the walk itself, if that makes sense. Here's the Dollisbrook. Yeah. No, this is still mutton.

Why is it? No, it is. It is. Because I just checked it now. Why does it say Dollis Brook walk? Look, see, because the Dollis Brook, hang on, see, mutton. Oh, that is mutton And then it goes up all the way here

And then it becomes Dollis Across the top Okay Speaking of mutton Oh, there's a branch come down I wonder if that's Vandals or the Nature It's probably Vandals in it

Some cunt kid climbed it Probably Oh gosh Stop sound like an old man Well I am an old man now Isn't it That's not sobering When we started this podcast

I was like in my 30s And I still had this sense of I'm still young and then 10 years later I'm approaching 50 and you're over 50 but in my head I don't feel my age well that's what a lot of old people say is the deal with being old

is you don't ever feel like you're older than about 25 or whatever you know unless you start getting dementia and stuff which is unlikely with me but it's kind of weird to have this whole sense of if your body betrays you in the end not really your mind unless you're you know your mind does go first but you know what I'm saying yeah you I don't feel 47 no because you become an

adult and then once you become an adult you're just an adult you know the brain stops actually developing in your 20s doesn't it in your mid 20s I guess I don't know I think that mean you're locked into what kind of person you are at that point then yes that's what they say that's sobering I like to still this think there's room for improvement with old Gannon never let me close the doors on education and learning and exploring and being. Oh yeah, here's where we did you little. That's right. Just around the corner here.

And there's the wellhead where we sat down. For a brief moment. It was hot that day as well, wasn't it, actually? Yes. Not as hot as it is today. Not as hot as it is today, you know. Thank fuck. No, not thank fuck.

It didn't reverse. Fuck, thank. Fuck thank. Yeah, just here on this corner, where it kind of scoops and goes up. Right, well, we're going to reminisce upon this route and then join the Dollars and then we're, yeah, hend and bound, aren't we? Yeah, we've still got ages to go, mate.

But we're more than halfway on the journey. Are we? Yeah. We're more than halfway on this segment, and we've got one more segment to go after this. So I think once we get to, well, I think like near Brent Cross. It stretches out. We're doing all right.

Honestly, I think we're making really good time. It's half four now, and we left at one. so it's taken three and a half hours to get from yours to here. Not bad. Okay. I don't think so. Okay. All right.

I need to take some fluids on. Also, I need to have a drink. Come gag here. Come gag here. Come gag or piss gag. I had a piss gag once. Just like a weird mask on my face and a man. A man would piss down a pipe.

That would go down the piping into my mask. And I had to guzzle it down. Pedestrian priority, Paul. What does that mean? It means if you're cycling. slow down you can't for the people who were walking remember there was a fire when we came down here before there was a fire on the other side of it yeah

and it smells of like burning wreckage someone was burning yeah their wreckage yeah here it is this is exactly where you did it just on this corner here because you swung round grab the little prize did a little car wheel and a little challenge yeah and did it with a plum and a peach and also a mango yeah we got it right let's carry our water That's exciting, isn't it? There's a film crew filming something at a house.

Do you think it's a midsummer murder or a... Oh, yeah. Or do you think it's a casualty or something? Could be anything, really, couldn't it? But they've got big... It looks like a reasonably sized production, the size of the lighting rig they've got there, right? I think they're meant to be faking it's night time or something because all the windows are closed. No, that's what they do, even if it's daytime.

Really? Just they can control the lighting. So they can control it, yeah. Oh, the magic of cinema, are you? Yeah, because that's a powerful light. That's going to be a daylight. Just look at the size of that light. Take a little photo of it.

Oh yeah, take a photo of it so people who want to go to our website can see pictures. Or they might be on our Instagram, just for balance. Instagram and cheap show. What happened? What happened?

Went through Brent Park. Was it called Brent Park? Yeah, that's Brent Park. Oh no, we're going to Hendon Park right now. There's been a lot of parks. As you were saying, we've been chained this route by parks. We've chained the route by parks. Very well put.

Brent Park, I've never been to. then where we joined the River Brent. And we were at the little castle place on the River Brent. Oh yeah, those little weird castle turrets. Turrets on either side. Well, that was full. I mean, it's just some effectation, I'd imagine. Do they like follies?

I don't know. It seems folly-like. It's very folly-like. But if you think about it, they would have been surrounded by... Are we done it, by the way? It's just a fucking film crew. Probably making some dreary, hardened Corbin fucking hauling Corbyn ship film. They could be.

You never know, but it does look... It looks like a big production. It's just that man, right? I said this as a joke, but it's kind of true. I don't know what's worse. AI made film or anything adapted from a Harlan Corbyn book. Do you think he even writes his own books anymore, do you know? Yeah, I think he does, because all he has to do is churn out a fucking boilerplate plot.

Boiler Plate plot and then put unimaginable twists in. Unimaginable. Oh, who killed my wife? Is it him? No, it's him. Those related terms. It's a boilerplate. And you also have pot boilers.

Yeah, I don't know, actually. It's a good point. Boil a plate is a phrase. haven't made it up though right yeah because you know what I'm like it's a sort of standard a standard structure right yeah anyway so we went to that park we sat down you right we had smoke we relaxed and I showed my dirty feet to you yes your sandals are very much rubbed to the grime of the city into the crevices of your feet whilst why I I look like an urchin almost don't I with my mucky feet you look like a mucky footy archer oh there's a lot of

signage coming up here a lot of signage coming up here there's another park yeah We're heading into Henden. Yeah. Oh, exciting. And then once we come out of here, we're at Henden Central, and then that's the end of stage 11, and we move on to 12. But then we have to get through the whole expanse of Kenton. We're going backwards, aren't we?

And Kenton and Kingsbury. Do you know how much long they go on for, even when you're on the bus? Yeah, long time. Fucking hell. But we are more than two-thirds done. We need to find somewhere to get more Red Bull. You know? I've got a little bit of juice.

We're not, I swear to, we are not. mate we are not going out of our way to go to Brent Cross and also all right well done you well done you I know it's really good this part footpath leading to Queens Brent Brent Cross is a quarter of a mile away which is still too far for me Finchley's three miles behind us hand in we are going this way because we're going to come out here look see you are here and we need to go to there where the station exit is all right do you want to go Do you want to go around the side? Like up here and along.

Right. Barnet. Yeah. This is actually a nice park. Anyway, we went around that little lake area in that park. And there's lots of people having snacks and drinks. Hanging out. Hanging out.

And then we saw those turrets. And then we came here. Now we're here. So you're up to date? Oh, by the way, my balls now are now in proper chafe mode. Yes, they would be. How are yours doing? All right, actually.

Really? Yeah. I've got a proper, like, I need to start walking like a gunslinger. You know what's time to hurt is my feet. Oh, okay. My feet are actually doing all right, but just mucky. I'm feeling it. A vagrant's feet.

How many more miles do you think we have at this stage? Well, this is Hendon, right? So I would say like six or seven miles, six miles maybe. That's a whole half of what we've... Oh no, we must be more than that, then less than that. Four miles? I mean, I could check the route on the app. Do you mean we to tell you, I can check the app,

and it will tell you in the roughest terms of where we are. There's a strange topless man on a bench who I don't think we should make high contact with, if you don't mind. I'll give me a look like there, so lick my lips. Well, come hither look. Yeah, go on. Eli's, all the ladies want to, Eli, come hither look. Right, capital ring, here we are, open the go jointly, and we're going backwards. So we start at 12, we're finishing 11, and 10 is 9.4 kilometre.

It says it's a three-hour walk, but we came that last walk. That said two and a half hours for that whole last segment. We didn't. I mean, you know what I mean? We're doing all right for time. Well, how many miles is it says? Doesn't it? It says killing me, doesn't it?

Six kilometers. What does that say? I've got my glasses on. That there. Three hour 20, nine point six kilometers. Nine point six. How much is that in miles? It's about six miles, I think. All right.

We've got a long way to go. is what I'm saying yeah but I don't think it's going to be three hours because honestly up to now this whole journey should have taken us three four five and a half so it's saying to get to where we are

it should have taken us five and a half hours and we left it one and it's five o'clock now so we've done it in like what with breaks about four so I reckon we can get at the stopwatch four and a half so we've took an hour off the walk

so I would reckon we can do the rest of this in what two hours tops i don't know we need to get our head down and get going well we're going to get our head down and get going all right we're in hendon park now hending park it's a lovely park on a hillside it's i didn't know a slightly hillside it's got these lovely um foot bridges over the rails here as well i came down here at night one time by myself and it was lovely lovely illuminated bridges in the darkness you know what i mean it's quite pictures now. Oh yeah, it's going right along the railway tracks. There's a bridge.

Someone's taking a shopping trolley. I've got to find a way to tuck him in because I'm getting joggers balls. It's like joggers tit, but I've also made that phrase up. But you know when you see joggers and like the nipples are bleeding because of the shirt rubs against them. They need to do something about that. Well, they put elasterplasts over them,

but I can't really put elasterplasts on my balls. So I'm just going to widen my gate. Nate. You're adding, oh, it's signposted. I'm sure, I'm sure my goodies right now. Capital Ring, baby. Resemble the fucking attic in the haunted mansion. Another sign for the Capitol Ring.

Another sign for Capital Ring. It's up here. It is up here. All right. Right, so this is nice for walking. A couple more magpies. Lots of mag pies. Magpies are a lovely bird

They're not, they're cunt Are they? Yeah. Why? They're vicious little wankers. In what respect? They steal other birds. If you ask me, the biggest cunts in the air are cuckoos.

Yes. The cuckus do it as a matter of course. They steal other people. Yeah, they're genetically bred to be cunts. Magpies are pretty... Magpies, though. They're bastardsas. Yeah, but to me, you say magpie,

I think a little bit, ooh, a little bit way, you know, a little bit dodge. It's like they're kind of the gangster. They're thieves, aren't they? The gentleman's gangster of birds. They'll make your keys. I thought that's ravens and crows, though, aren't they? Thieving magpie?

Oh, that is true. Yeah. Oh, there's another one of those witch things. Witches' nook. I don't know. Someone has put a load of branches up against a tree. There's probably magical significance. What it is.

Let's just move out the way of this fucking bike. Here we go. Heaven forbid. his bicycle out of the way for us. Heaven forbid. Stop being ratting. Just balshy, in it. Anyway, cuckoos, though.

Cuckus are just the scum. They kidnap. They chucked birds out of another bird's nest. They eat them. And they live in mousers. Like squatters. They live in mouses. Mousers.

Moushouses. You've heard of me. You know what? I've just realized we're both getting tired now. No shit. Because my brain has gone from pop and fizz to plop and whiz. Yeah. My brain's gone from zip and zap to flat and lacking.

What is this train line then right here? Is this the overground that goes via harangay? No, this is the tube. Is it? Yes. It's the tube. Because we're heading up to Hendon Central. That's not on a tube line.

Is it? Yes. Which one? Piccadilly or something. No, it's not. not. It bloody well it is. I've used it before.

No, I think it's a national rail station. It's not. You're confused. You're going to recognise it when we get out there. You accuse me of being confused. It's the part of Hendon that we ended up in the Brent Cross Apocalypse episode with the helicopters overhead. Remember that? That's just up here.

That was the day I swore we'd never, ever go back. Well, we are very close to Brent Cross now. And we're giving it lip service. I'll grant you. Oh, there's a fun fair over there. I wondered what... One of those Dodge ones. The pendant family funfit.

Oh, no. One pound 20 a token, 10 tokens a tenor. A ride. Eighty-five tokens. I mean, I get it. It's the easiest way to get people on and off rides rather than ring fencing it and charging one price. Didn't they used to pay money on the ride?

We are basically doing that now, though, aren't you? Yeah, but didn't you directly used to pay cash? Back of the day. Yeah. But it's like when we went to Brighton on the pier, Remember we had to get that fucking card and put cash on it to go on the ghost train. That was cool though, wasn't it?

It was kind of cool. It's like one of those shit ghost trains. Very shit ghost train. But one of the original. Not the, but one of the original ghost trains, the original being in Blackpaws. It was one of the earliest sights of a ghost train. Yeah, because beforehand,

your dark rides were all tunnel of love or fake mining tunnel things. Oh, really? So they existed before. ghost trains. Yeah. I would have thought that the ghost train

would be the original dark ride. The original dark ride is basically the tunnel of love. It was a place where teenagers go on sit in a canal boat in dark tunnels and do kissing,

maybe fingers in. Did you ever get to do that on a girl on a ride? I mean, I've... Yeah. What ride? I can't remember. I was more interested

in the fanny in the fingers. Fair enough. You know, it doesn't matter what ride you. I took a girl on Toad's wife. ride and I gave those kids here let's be quiet I don't want to offend quite rightly the innocent right we're getting up now to the entrance we are and then we turn left out the back of this park and then we're on to the station when we get to the

station well I will check the map again but effectively get some soft drinks down here yes we need some but effectively the next I would say our hour walk is going to be suburbany you know streets streets Lanes, yeah. And then we come out over the top of Brent Cross and then we go to the Welsh Harp. Yeah, but that's still quite a few miles off. Yes, mate.

This is a long walk. Oh, are you feeling it now? I'm starting to feel it. I'm beginning to feel it, but what my major concern is, the state of my balls and feet by the end of this, because one's going to be mucky as fuck and the other are going to be as tender

and as sore as an open wound on a knee. which which a witch you know you get a graze and a graze is much hot hurtful than a proper cut the grades yes because it's over a larger area isn't it more nerve endings if you think about it yeah you know it's a hending park cafe you can be cut and don't feel it first because it kind of goes in between the nerves you know what I mean it's like that happened to Tim Hydecker he was stabbed he was stabbed and didn't realize a lot of people yeah but if you got grazed you'd know about it you've got grazed hard you go ooh-whoo-oh like that right which where are we going?

Oh, grazing's worse, yeah. I don't think we go out that way. I think we've got to go around the calf. Yeah, the station's over that way. Right, we'll come back to you once we're clear of Hending Station, Hendren Central Station. There's a lady's toilet here and a gentleman's, but I think...

Yeah, yeah, we can right here, in fact. All right? Here. Oh, are you? Yeah. I don't know if we is. It's smelly and all... Oh, Christ.

I don't know about going around the back of that, though, a good choice. That was really fucking grunty. I didn't notice. Did you not like see it? Like like dirty fanny. Oh, I know you're going to say that. No, but it was though. I mean, you know, piss and balls is one other thing altogether, but

there's no mistaking the memorable pungent aroma of a really unwashed clam. I love the way he tried to pails it out past the kids. You still manage to say clam into a Romanian lady's face then. Oh, yeah, no.

I like to think I'm just... By itself, clam is not a dirty word. No, it's not, but, you know. It's opposed to a bivalve by... Mollusk. Yeah. I once knew a girl called Valve Mollusk. Oh, yeah.

Fishy downstairs. Unbelievable. I'm losing it. We used to call it the Mad Batter. Oh, yeah. You just come out of that? Is you all better when you're tired? I know.

We should always do Cheap Jo from this point on when I'm losing consciousness. The mad batter. Funny. That is funny. The mad fanny batter. Yeah. I've gone too far now.

I've gone too far. See, here's Hendon Central. Yeah. Here's the... If you're on the... See, when I come home from yours. Yeah, I know. I go through here too.

When I also get the... ESL10, Superloop 10, mate. Yes. To North Finchley. I know. These are all routes that are important to us in one respect or another, right?

What I's going to say is you can see the platforms of Hendon Central when you're on the top deck of the bus, there, you see? Over the bridge. We'll report on what line it's on later. I want to have to put this away for a sec. Okay. All right.

Here we are, Henden Central. Right, so we are out of Henden Central and all the frighteningly angry looking drunks. That seemed to litter the fucking place. Yeah, it's seen better days, hasn't it, really? It's a shame. It's like we were saying, it would have been lovely before they built

the huge motorway for it. It's not lovely. It would have been, you know, nice. Like somewhere like East Finchley or something. Well, this is the problem with this whole area of like out of London where so much of it was gutted to make way for more traffic. And that in turn changes the vibe. It really does. And I think Hendon is one of the most clear examples of that, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because, again, no offence. Based on our time last time and his time, let's walk quick through here. It's a little bit that's like emotionally sobering. Yes. But anyway, we're on our way now. We have entered the third and final section of the walk we're doing today. We are near Brent Cross, everybody. Yeah, come on.

Come on. So yeah, here it is. So just to, because I'm a man of contrition, I would like to apologise for Eli for telling him he was wrong that that was a Piccadilly Line station. It was Piccadilly Line, right? Yeah. I was getting Hennon Central confused with Henden Station.

Henden Station, which is an overground right next to the motorway. Which I thought this is what it was coming out to, and it was not. Are we going past there? Yes. Excellent. This part of the walk is all very high streety, urbany. We do cross over the Welsh Harp, also known as Brent Reservoir. Are we not going to miss that bit?

No, we're going through that. That's what we're heading to now. We've just got to get there, but it means going via that station. Christ. No, no, no. Tell you what, let's very quickly consult the map so we don't go off-piece. There's a nice little shadow here.

I'm happy with this. Balance me coffee there. And so far, I'm not having a need for a bus yet. Or the wand. Right, go jointly. Here we go. Other apps are available, I suppose. I should say that,

but I'm not the fucking BBC. I'm talking about, you prick. Right, Paul, your prick. Here we go. Do they even have to say that anymore? Yeah, they do. They still have to say that? Sometimes.

We get a lot of people who come on allegedly to talk about the statistics of a new story, but actually it's been funded by some insurance company. So they keep dropping in. A Viva insurance, of course, came up with this, and we're like, and there are other insurance available. We have to kind of say that shit all the fucking time. Grifting, wankets, the whole world.

So look, here's the plan. See where we are. There's the route there underneath us. That we avoided. Yes, so we want to come down on the left. we're going to come down right past the station and then once we get to here we're back on by the harp we keep going around down to left yeah we're going to go right down and follow it because we can't miss the station then we cross the harp at the bridge yeah is that the same bridge remember that old

bridge that we went because we did the harp we walked around part of the harp didn't yeah so this might be that bridge it is sort of harp shaped yeah if you look at it on the map do you see that yeah yeah like a cat as well when you think about it like it's jumping also it's the tail looks like a head. Looks like a big fanny. Is that what you want to say? It looks like a big growler. No.

A big nasty, clammy, it doesn't look like any... Is that what you want to say? No. I don't want to say that. You've been the one referencing feminine hygiene the most today. Is that what you want to call it?

Oh, y-oy, aye. All right, let's do this. It's a big... A fizzbox. A fizzbox. A fizz box. A puffy fizzbox. A puffy fiend.

A shitty. Grumbly vained. You grumbled. You used... Cumb pipe. I love grumbumbes. there's certain phonemes. I wouldn't even say they're words.

They're phonemes that you use. Certain sounds. Bip, Bip, Bop, Bing. Oh, do you know my favourite sounds? Bing, there are other search agents available. How about this one? That's my favourite sound, isn't it? You stop doing that.

I thought right on you as well. Stop it. Playing all the... Oh, oh. Put it down in. Oh, hang on. Put it down here. No, I'm gone.

Just concretely put it down there. This is cheap show. 499. Come on, I had one. No, you know what? It's about time you took up some of the slack because I was fucking running away with it. I can't believe you've resorted to that again. Just for all time's sake and after 500 I get to wipe the slate clean and my ass.

Wipe your ass. Nice. You beat me to it, I was going to say so. We got it. Desperately looking for the gag after that. We got it. We got it. The word wipe comes.

Oh, I love the word wipe. We're back on Vivian Avenue. We weren't we on Vivian Avenue? We were always on station Vivian. Okay, we've been on it for ages then. Look, Wembley. Wembley. Here's Wembley down there.

Here's Wembley, the big arch. That proves that we're in the right sort of sector of the city. Because Harrow's on the other side of it. We're not third and final stage at this walk now, so yeah. It's a lovely day. It didn't get quite as high, I don't think. No. My one's been saying 29.

No, it's not been reaching that. But, and it's also because it's... walking like I am and he's got fucking 40 years on me but the sounds of things but the sound of it what you can hear his legs creaking well no just like the look of him look of him yes but it's a podcast so it's sound I got confused you close that's all very posh or very posh right we're gonna say this off and then we'll come back to them I think when we get to that little park on the game now me Paul see in a bit what was that nothing and then that two new one now here we are

yeah um so we've I can't remember what we did last. I'm beginning to lose focus. I just feel like I'm in a fugue state now. I knew we were going to get into a fugue state after this sort of part of the walk. Clitterers. You really are fixed-stated on Fannies

for time of reason today. Well, it makes a difference, doesn't it? Well, it's so fixed-ed on Furnies. Because Fannies are lovely. Oh, look at this, though. Look at this. Here we are. We're back at the Well Shop.

I was going to skip to that bit. On the boat, the Welsh. It's lovely. This is where we came to record a little segment for our walk about. video for 350 I don't know whatever 400 we only walked around half of it didn't we yeah we were at that side coming in from ended uh Brent Cross well okay for Brent Cross this is probably as close as we'll get to Brent my beloved Brent Cross on the whole

close enough close a fucking enough mate frankly he's taking picture yeah yeah I mean it's lovely I mean it's funny isn't it with this walk we're in and out of like rough areas of urbanisation and then lovely Parkland nature reserves like this with animals and ducks. Lovely blackberries. We used to pick them to a penny as a kid back in our way and we got them at the bush behind the tube station, well, the train station, Liso station.

I had a blackberry cobbler last night. But put some cream on that. And the person who made it got them from Hakeny, Wolf and Stone Marshes. They live up there, yeah. Let me just take a quick picture of this lovely vista in front of me. Nice, isn't it?

beautiful. Again, pictures on our website, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, clitoris. We were looking at the Welsh harp on the map, which is called the Welsh Harp because of a pub that used to stand around here. You know, we just, we did that on Mike? Did we? Yeah. Remember, you said, you said it always looks like fanny's and then grumpy and then I fought and then you fired. Sorry, I just wanted to make sure.

And it was 20 days ago we recorded that, so I don't blame you for forgetting. We're lost in the wilderness. What do we do when we get to the other side of the harp here? I don't know. We're crossing it at a very narrow point. We're not going around the harp, so just. No. What's on the other side apart? I don't know. I don't know where we go really from here.

Well, we need to check the map again. Oh, I just put my phone away. Come on. Yeah, there's a little road. I remember this. There's a little tiny road that slices right through it. Oh, I've got my glasses. Oh, I'm old. Oh, my feet stink. My balls ache. Got a little chaffinch going on.

Don't open up high network. I want to go jointly. Capital ring. I've got, of course, I bought a fucking saying capital ring. I know that for a fact. Cool. Toothbrush. Oh.

You wonder, don't you? How it gets to you? Yeah. Who was brushing their teeth in the car and decided that's that for that toothbrush? Or maybe it was in a bag of trash that got thrown out. That's the real shame. There's a lot of people dump their fucking... So, this is the road.

This is the road, but it's saying there's a path. That's just, oh shit, that's just there. Along that's just there somehow. Along this road? That's what it's saying. Yeah, it's just on the other side there. Do you want to do it? We should go back the way we came and cross over them.

Oh, no, I'm not doing that. I've got, no, metals and shit. I'll meet you there. Yeah, I'm going to go around then, because I just don't want to go through that. No worries. I'll meet you there, Paul. All right, mind the bike. I'm going to go around the long way now.

I love doing cheap show. And I like it when we get out on about. I've got a nice vibe in it and me and Eli make memories and stuff and we have a few laughs on along the way and hopefully you enjoy it too. I'm about to cross the road where it will instantly turn to green. Oh no. No good. All right cool. So now we're back on the path. This is the ring road now off the road which is handy and Eli's sitting is bot bot down on a bench. Okay. Yeah, it's much nice isn't it and going along that road. Yeah. Crop dust.

The route went, Stop it. Oh, mate. You're pushing too hard. That is the sound of the apocalypse, right? That is the sound of evil coming. The Brent Cross Apocalypse? The rapture, mate.

My ass always awaiting the rapture. The crapture. The crapture. Oh, God, I'm... Oh, no. I can actually feel the shape of my poo. Stop pushing it then. I'm not, I'm sucking it up.

But you know when you can actually feel the shape of it? I know, because you've been farting. You've been shodding. You've been shodding. trying to fart on demand that's going to play havoc with your needing a shit level yeah I'm forcing I'm forcing the issue at this age at this age mate every fucking one's your last one minute we do we follow it all along now all right which is nice in it yeah cool so this is the canal and river trust teeming with life it says the harp Welsh harp or what Brent Reservoir

Brent of R is it cool with that or are you just saying that I'm absolutely a hundred percent It's called Brent Reservoir. Because the Brent is what feeds it. I know, but why don't they say that anywhere? Because they're trying to sell it as a location. And do you know what? That is the history, isn't it, of this place? People, the Victorians used to come here as a sort of resort.

Mate, can you stop fart? It's not good. I can feel the vibrations up the bench, mate. Please, stop. Stop, it's not funny. Why are you so happy? I'm not. I'm not.

I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm frightened. I can see the joy on your face. There was like air behind that one. pushed past. Yes, it's your bowels. It's your bowels.

Until the day you die, there'll be, there'll be parping and popping and bubbling. I know, but this felt, that felt like a car in a wind tunnel that one. I felt the breeze go wrap around the stool and come out the pipe, you know?

Yeah, I'm getting old and I'm going to shit my pants on my podcast. That's what happens in episode 3,000. I bet Josh Whitakern doesn't do that. At best James A.Cast's podcast doesn't have him shit his kecks halfway for a chat with Dan Aykroyd. A?

I bet Nick Elm never shits his pants in one of his seven-hour podcasts. I bet I don't shit myself when I go around. Are you listening to Nick? Is this all you talk about is fucking movies? I bet I don't shit myself when I go around and record at his flat for an episode. That would be ridiculous and I don't think that would be ever happening. That wouldn't happen. Clean myself up in the jaws themed toilet.

Or shitting a load of blood over a mate's couch when you come over and record back then. Getting loose now, aren't we? Yeah, well, yeah. It's confessional. it's an unnecessary confessional episode. Let's wrap this recording session up, which has been dominated by your fecal... Your fecal emissions.

Anyway, Nick, I'm just saying if you listen to this, no one needs to hear you talk about movies for seven hours. Break it up. Does he do long podcasts about movies? And then he does that thing with Matt, doesn't he? And then you look at the running time, it's like six hours, and you think... It seems to be doing quite well.

Well, yeah, he's a successful award-winning comedian. Of course he's doing quite well. It doesn't mean he's a... free from fucking criticism, does it? Wait! Listen to the episode. One of us shits are pants. The thing is, I can't not say it's not going to be me.

Can you just calm down for a second? You calm down for a second. You didn't need to do that one either. You need to hydrate yourself, my friend. I just caned a bottle of fizzy water and a nice latte. And I've got half of the, well, quarter of the rhubarb. I've had quite a lot of rhubarb today in many respects Well let me know if you want to sip of one of my drinks

Okay, what have you got? I've got a bottle of water and a Lukaseid pink lemonade Okay, we'll see how we go I'm all right for now I've had quite a lot And I've not had to pee because I think the sweats Dealing with that I think I'm getting my second wind actually

I feel a lot better My low point was when we sat down in Brent Park I felt really really Hot and like Turgid Not Turched That's that word again which means, doesn't mean soft.

Doesn't mean soft. It means soft. It means hard. Hard. Like something hard and filled with... Come. Cool. Right.

Ready for the last leg of this. This is the most interesting leg in many ways for me. Because it's the least familiar. Yes. But it is very familiar to me from getting buses home from yours. So you think about it, we've basically done the route that I take to get home from yours. But yeah. We're doing door to door, everyone.

It's the door to door. We really need to go door to actual door though, Paul. Yeah. Don't need to tell them where you live or where I live? No. Exactly. But the last thing you'll hear is us opening my front door. Hopefully.

And maybe this. Oh, the ladies, stop. Oh no. That was not what I thought it was going to be. You have to go in the bushes now. No, I'm all right. A bit, that's fine. What?

The turtle's gone back into its shell. But he touched the cloth. He nibbled at the cloth. I would say... He grazed the cloth. I would say it smelt the air. Did you see my meme? You what? You meet?

My meme. No. This is relevant. Is it? Yes. Because this sounds like something I'm going to cut out. As you lazily swipe for your fucking phone for yet another tedious fucking thing. What am I looking at?

This meme. What is the meme to you, though? Because I don't think you quite understand the meme. It's a still meme. Takes one sip of coffee The poop in my butt Bonjour Look at the dog's expression

The dog's little face poking out of the hole In the snow Is that what the turtle did? I don't know But it's warm and wet back there That was a relevant meme That was a relevant meme

Yes alright But it's not your meme You didn't create it did you So I'm just gonna I know I'm allowed to use a meme if I like You are I'm sorry

Come on Everyone understands memes I'm being such a poo pooher I've gone into this hard voice register And you listen to me more when I do this. All right, John Gunty. All right, Gunty.

It's John Gunty. Yeah, well, let's save that for next week. When you wait for me? You just said we're ready to go. That's why God up. I want you to turn that goddamn thing off for a second. Listen to me. Why?

Turn it off. What for? What's going on? I'm going to do something private. Okay, all right. All right, okay, well then we'll wrap this up. We're going to finish off on the harp. and then we'll come back to you

I don't know, now it's a little bit nebulous so we'll just come in and out as we go see you in the future right we have left the Welsh Harp and we saw a capital ring sign and just so you know where we are to my right

where we've come from Henden Park was two miles Highgate wood six and a half miles where's the Woolwich foot tunnel because that says 24 and a half miles again it is part of the thing I was just wondering if we no we hadn't have passed it

I'm fucking losing my brain mate I know I'm catching them up it's a whole other way park I thought it might have said Finnsbury Park on there essentially that way's east and that way's west yeah so west

so barn hill pond two and a half miles how are on the hill mate five and a half miles but that means don't tell me you're not disappointed at how high that number is I thought it might have been four and a bit I was hoping to lose a half a mile off that

or a mile. Richmond Bridge, 18 miles. I'm feeling it, brother. Richmond Bridge is where we did the pagan picnic that time. I don't know why I'm talking like the Hulk. The Hulk. A hit you brother. Uh, Woolwich Foot Tunnel. I don't even know what that is. Highgate Wood, we came from there. Yeah. Only six and a half miles back. Yeah. So we've got most of that to go. And that would, let's see, you see how far away that was. Yeah. But you see, when you phrase it like that, now I'm fucked off. Yeah. I know. Feel it. So we have a liquid break?

I think I want to have a little bit of liquid break. Yeah, because the next little bit get a bit suburbany for a while, I think. Let's just have some fluid and just get our head down. Take some fluid. And then join the listeners in a bit.

Yeah, in a bit. Because I believe... You're not for doing it. No, here's the thing. I know we're going to do it. I know it's going to get done. I'm not concerned about that. What I am concerned about

is just how much blathering we do, nonsense, fucking extreme blathering. And if the battle with my bowels, uh, ends with a loss for me. Well, you're going to have to just pop into an establishment of some sort along the way, Paul. You say that. A McDonald's, a wether spoons, a random curry house. I'm not doing a shit in a McDonald's.

Why? I've got standards. Standards that cause you pain in your bowel system. Oh. That needs to come out. It's fine. I'll be... Talking of vaginas, Paul.

It's just a tree with... There's a little clit at the top. It's got a ding-dong dally wood. And just like someone else is on it. It's got ansew all over it as well. Just like what? Saba jov-jover-jav-jav. Did you say just like sobra-joba-jab-jab?

Yes, he did. You didn't even manage. Fof-a-Jov-Jov-Jov's fad it. You're not even mad. Fof-a-Jobbjub's clunge. Shut up. You're not even managing to verbalise properly anyway. Any more, Paul.

Don't care. And not that you verbalised that well to start with. Fov-a-lova-jov. Oh, God, I can't do this. Take a picture of that wood cunt and let's move on. Come on. I'm done. Oh, it's getting a light effect. Look, this is...

Look at this artefact. I'm getting it again. Look, do you see it? Yeah, it's... It's terrible. It's terrible. It's lens flirt. Is that lens flare? I mean, it is to some extent,

but I don't know why you're getting it. Yeah, it's too much of it. Anyway, I noticed in that picture you forgot to get the clit in. I'm going to take a close-up. Just because, you know, I'd hate for people to think you don't know where it is. Mother Nature, that does look like a real...

Real big clip. A gnarly... which or you know spirit of the woods clip let's move on to making more analogies about penises because I think we need to do some balance so look there's a lamp post it looks like a big willie no there's a ballard that looks like a big cock it does not pass the comedy test look at that leaf it looks like a willie yeah what we're doing where what's going on I feel like we're making taking more breaks what you are blathering you're blathering you just let put me in control for a second never because what we'd get then is your fucking

Eli thinks he's great and everything about his life is great and so we have to hear about every school bus he ever fucking drove on or every fucking special fucking classy joined with his Cardinal boarding school friends Where he plays sticky biscuit He played sticky biscuit with Peter You wish you had people who play sticky biscuit

I didn't need to we cut out the middleman and just tossed each other off Didn't need to mask it with games I'd never play sticks like all right Dave how you doing I'm all right mate how do you fancy her wank Yeah, let's do it. Woods or here? Let's do it here. Josh, Josh. Well done, mate. God, I think we're going to be sick. Well done, mate.

And then there's no games. There was no hiding it behind a game with sticky biscuit. You sound like Jimmy Saville. How's about that then? You do. Eli Silverman. Jim, we'll fix it for you to shut your fucking gob. He spat in my mouth. Shut up.

Please, can you please it? Stop, Paul. I got a letter from an Eli Silverman. Do you, I dare Mr. Turn it off. Dear Mr. Saville, please could you fix it for me to be opened up? That is dark.

Don't be like that. Well, let me fix it for you. There you go, you're fucking cunt. Right. Oh, the jollity fades when the tiredness sets in. doesn't it? Fuck, the jollity? Yeah.

Attack goblin, that's what I'm going to call you. Tell you what, I'll do your deal right now. Between now and not end point, no more attacking Eli about his life, his attitude, his behaviour, stink. I won't criticise your fashion. I won't criticise your potential taste of music and film. I won't attack your awful handwriting.

slap dash timekeeping. I'll not do any of that. Oh, shut up. I'll not... Honestly, look, check it this out. What? Concrete shed. Look at that. Oh, that's very dark, in it.

That's good. That's where you keep the bodies, mate. And a little concrete shed in the middle of nowhere. It really is. Yeah. It's right. Anyway, if anyone wants to know what Eli's Lukazade tastes like, it tastes quite nice because I got a little spitz-wiff of it in my gob.

Right. We've got a march on. That's the Lucaset. that we tried. Yeah. That I say would be nice if it wasn't fucking zero sugar. We were on a walk about then. That's the one we ended up in Heathrow getting kicked out the chapel.

Christ. Do you remember that? That was then. That's when we first tasted. Got turfed out by a chapel. That's cop. Did I? Or did you say you liked it then?

We both liked it. No, I probably said it was all right, but I couldn't drink the whole one. It's too, no sugary thing. It is very good for a, welcome to Birchon Grove Garden Center. It's a garden center. What do you mean?

What is a garden center? Old Cemetery. Look at the gate. No, it's just a garden centre. Wembley Park Station over that way. Right, I think we go this way now because there's a church on the up corner. Besides, we have to go this way because the road turns.

Up until 5.30, you guys, going to take a picture of the Grove, Birchon Grove. Garden Centre. Right, fuck me. Energy waning, sunsetting, balls chafing. Oh my God, you have no idea. Every step is like,

like a tiny little fucking brush up against some sandpaper on my thigh. It's just the things they don't warn you about when you get older. Sweaty balls and chafing. All right, I'm just complaining about my chafing. How's your chafing? Hey. I look like that old man we were following for ages. He's in the mouth of madness.

He's you. We're ahead of you. Because do you remember we passed him and then we had to pass him again? Do you remember that? This is the mouth of madness. This is the mouth of madness. To be fair, he walked ahead of us because we were too busy explaining. how the Welsh heart looked like a fanny.

Look at this whole vibe. Yeah. It's a ruin. It's like an old train station almost. You know, or like a parkkeeper's house. It must be. It looks like old toilets or like changing rooms or maybe. To me it looks like a parkkeeper's house that was on the edge of a park and you know,

you would stay there. Or because it's near an allotment. That's the, well, didn't start as a garden centre obviously this bit. No, of course it didn't. Because look at those gates. So it was some kind of thing. Well, it's an allotment, isn't it? Anyway, two things before we end.

A, watch your chafing situation. Like, well, some chafing has arrived, Paul. Right, okay. You are literally waddling like Danny DeVito with the runs. Look at this, man. Wait, and then one last question is, I can turn this fucking off. Look at this. What's our time so far?

Oh. I'd like to have an idea of what our time is. I reckon we're on the five hour mark. Yeah, give or take. Just a quick update, if you don't mind. Six hours. Six hours. Well, five minutes to six hours.

Five hours and 55 minutes. and Eli's found a bunch of detritus. Truck, what's the word for the back of a truck? What's the truck's word? It's a trailer. Trailer. It's like a flatbed. A hitch trailer to a flat bed.

Buy everyone. Dimstale Drive. We're back on the... This is where the Dim cell brothers, the Piranha brothers. Dinsdale. Dinsdale. That's Dim. Yeah, but it's Dinn.

Yeah, but this is Dimm. I know, but it's Dimm. Din. I don't care about pythons. Here, in the cheap show sketch, it's Dimmesdale. All right. And I'm Johnny Dimmesdale. And I'm, shut up, you fucking cunt, you prick, bastard, shut up.

And I've heard about a case of Paul not wanting to be funny or do anything in the pot anymore. Because he's losing the will to live. He's a serious offender. He's really tired. He's fucking nudging me as well. You can't get off me. We're back on the suburban backroad now. Oh, the backstreet of Liverpool.

flavour of just then. I'm sorry nudged you, alright? Just don't fucking get it. Don't touch me, man. I don't know what you're fucking, I'm just really stop it. I'm lit. The sun is set. The sun is setting. We've been walking almost non-stop for six and a half hours or whatever it is. I'm sorry I touched you. Don't do

it again or ever unless invited. You were trying to kiss me today? Yeah, it's different. I love you. What's it called? Amanda Holden Avenue. Amanda Holden Avenue. Amanda Hold on. Amanda Hold on you. I'd like Amanda Hadrickus. Les Dawson. Les Dennis.

Oh, right. Dustin G. Hang on. It's just become surrealism now. So anyway, we're on the back suburban roads. Can you hear those parakeets? Yes, I'm ignoring you though now because I'm talking to our lovely listeners who are thrilled.

Look at him walking like he's got a brick up his arm. I've got to band my legs out a bit because now I'm also getting titty jave. I've got a question for you. Yeah. Cobbwebbing level. uh cobwebbing level i'm thinking overgrown green out of a kind of cobwebs you know a deep a deep rich a deep rich multi-layered years of neglect cobwebbing cobbing yeah oh just a bottle of water in the middle of the pavement just left there for no reason someone probably why forgot it got in the car

why left it there they were waiting maybe and then they couldn't take their pills because they had nothing to wash it down with and they were driving and then they flipped that car across three lanes on the circular. Killing 20 people. Oh dear. You always do go to the darkest. I've got a dark soul, I think. I think you do.

I think I've got a lot of darkness in me that I just get out with my humour to save me from killing folk. Do you honestly think that, Paul? Sometimes. I don't think I'm capable of killing anyone. Well, you haven't done it so far. That you know.

Well, I just think, I think it's like that gallows humor thing would just get you feel The world's going to be so fucking awful. No, I've got... My humour is dark as well, but you do... I'm just... Sorry, I'm picking at you again. I'm sorry.

It's all right, I've done my first year of picking at you, mate, so, you know, I'm not going to hold that again. You're going to have said that, for the rest of this walk, I won't criticise your stupid fucking hat. Oh, don't start again. Or your fucking stupid wilting beard. Wilting? Yeah. Wilting? Or your stocky weird legs.

I'm proud of my legs. Makes you look almost sapien. I am a sapian. I guess so. Yes. See, don't try it with words you don't know the meaning of. All right, but you're... Neanderthal.

Is that what you want to be saying? Yeah, Nathaniel. You're Nathaniel, Nathaniel, Nathanthal. Hey! There must have been a cartoon made of that. Yeah, that sounds like a dandy. They should do a whole theme park based on that. Nathaniel, Nathaniel, Neanderthos.

Right, okay. I don't know where we're going right now. Check your thing of my jig. Why don't you do it? I've given up on this. I might just get a tax and go home and leave you. On purpose. I'll just go, it's going to pop for a wee, mate.

And you're actually lost, yeah? No, it's just a... You get your fucking thing out. I've got no fucking... Yeah, because you've got 12 apps fucking running at once, no one. Your battery's nearly dead. It isn't.

Got a text. My battery's not nearly dead. All this fucking text shaming as well. We have none of that till the end of the episode as well, please. Especially when you're asking me to do the hard work you don't want to. I'm just saying you've got the context. You've been navigating. getting, may I say, quite well up to this point, okay?

Yeah, but we're also at a point now. Continue to navigate, you wanker. Right. It's got bum bum issues. I have. Right, I think we go up now. Up there. Yeah.

Let's go on the shape. And there should be around about. Oh, oh, God. And my guts. My guts, my guts, man. Yeah. Maybe there's a toilet you can use there. Don't.

I can't, mate. I'm beginning to lose purchase of it. You're beginning to lose the threat on this. Where we're going. We don't need toilets. Toilets. Harrow. Alright, we're going to go up this road, then left on the roundabout, and then we go up.

We've come off the trail completely though, just so you know. We've literally abandoned it. I mean, we planned to abandon it, but this was saying we go up, right, and we've just gone down and round. So now we're going to go up. Do you see any of the park? Well, we're going to see some of this Barn Hill park or whatever. But we've completely foregone the country park. Okay, fine, whatever.

Let's just get back on the trail. See that we've sort of got up. I see. But we're saving time. We're making time here. Yeah. Because it was never about keeping to the route exactly. It was about walking from my place to yours, your place to mine.

That's right. But we found that. We've used the ring as a compass. We've clarified that mission, though. And the specifics of how to accomplish that on the walk, haven't we? Yeah. Do you see what I mean? Mm-hmm.

Now, because... I just can't have a conversation right now. Because you need to sort your bowels out. You fuck off. I made sure I took another ship. one before I left yours did I not remember the toilet paper conversation we had yeah it wasn't anything you could do about your lack of toilet paper and your own and I hope your flat mate doesn't have a problem I'm not going into that but just saying I have dumped yes you

did so this one look that's desk oh right yeah okay so we'll we'll find it it's not that hard to find the park from here they've got to the end of this road turn left A little bit of a roundabout You can see the trees Yeah, yeah, yeah But that's the country park That we're not going to Okay

We're going to take a left up here Yeah Then a roundabout And that roundabout takes us On the road That goes through both parks Yes, I understand Yes, well you don't sound like you do

I do, I understand that You sound like you do Just wanted you to look at the map You said I'm lost I just wanted you to look at the map Is this the longest walk We've ever done? I have got nothing

I'm made of nothing But chafing and sweat Yeah, mate You're not used to walks this stuff I think it's because we've slowed down because heat and tiredness. And also, I can't move my legs forward enough. They have to go wide. You need to sort it out, mate.

Maybe we go to the park. If I place to sit down, I can air my balls for a bit, you know. That's been the theme with all the recordings we've done this week. Yeah. You've seen my groinle area more than my doctor. More than my doctor. It's going to be hot. Oh, we're just fine.

But we're not doing the whole recording session, are we? We're just doing a few bits of pops. So, yeah, we're fine. I love some of this modernist homes. You don't mean that. No. But you don't always say you never agree with it and stuff. Now I'm feeding you what you want.

There's lovely little mazanets, modernist mazonets down there. I like ubleettes. You don't. No one likes an upliates. I love anubliette. Oh, they're really good. You may have. I don't think we've noticed anything.

Kingsmear Park. Right, here we go. Oh, my feet are filthy. My hands are filthy. My mind is filthy. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

More parkland. Lovely. We'll find a little place to sit our asses down. This is really lovely, man. It is, isn't it, actually. Oh, you can't get. I think we've been up here once before. I can't remember when.

I've been here before. Oh. In a past, life. I'd love to have a little flat like this, but I think like I would get pissed off with the noise of my neighbours too much because it feels like they're all thin walls. Yeah. But what, they're all old people who gives a fuck. I guess, yeah. All right. So, I've got to find the right road that we go up now. I don't like the silence that you get in the countryside. It enerves me. I can't really sleep that well. I get scared.

Oh, you can't sleep in the country? I don't really like it as much. Weird. I like hearing cars and stuff. I get that. I can understand. that right I need to have a thing I think we're going up that way salmon street yeah that's that's this bit yeah I'm just trying to see if that's a road up there hang on hang on let's have a look it's gonna get the normal map out for this this an epic walk in it okay oh it's up that way so we're gonna go up directly so let's go around right we're going to head into the park and we're going to take a sit

down so you'll join us after that no doubt what's the park called uh piddly bam hill um bam hill or barn hill or barn hill there's definitely a hill in the word anyway yeah i think it is barn hill so that's where we're going to go sit down and take a breather but we're close to the end mate honestly our goal is reasonably in sight really yeah i'm not so sure mate now here's the thing i to discuss with you. Shall we just go straight to mine or do you want to go via Harrow on the Hill which probably takes a little bit out of our way to do so? No I don't want to go via this. This is what we all right. No no no it's fine I wanted to give you the option of our route. All right I don't want to go to Harrow on the Hill what's the point all right fine. It's door to door it's door to door

What we've done is door to door, right? Yeah, so we are going to go door to door to door. There are other options for the route. We could have done a more direct route, couldn't we? Oh yeah, we could have done a much more direct route. It would have been on a horrible road. Yeah, exactly. And half of the charm of this walk has been coming on and off the capital ring, right?

Yes. So, with all that in mind, yes, we're going door to door, which means when we get to Northbrook Park, where the fuck is called, I can't remember right now. Northwick Park, yeah, thank you. Is that where we are going to next? Yes. Well, no, it's not we're going to next,

but that's where we'll basically end up before we have to come off the capital ring route at all and then go to mine. Okay. All right? That's where we're going to come off the route. To go shortcut straight to you. And in fact, I'm going to give you this option.

From Northwick, we can get a bus almost straight to my door. No. You sure? Yes. We're giving you that option. I know. I get the bus through there. I'm not doing it.

All right. Okay, fine. No. I'm just saying I'm happy to roll with anything. Mr. Silver. wants. All right. Because it sounds like he's getting a bit of a paddy on. Let's get the bus then, you dickhead. You dickhead. Well, I don't want a bus. I don't care. Let's not then. I'm saying I want to do whatever you want. I'd like to walk. Good. I'd like to have the achievement,

honestly. Of walking door to door. Yes. Yeah, fine. I am just at the end of my fucking tether with this whole thing. No shit. Oh, no shit. Come on, we'll have a rest. We need one more sort of smoke stop. Yeah, we're going to do that now. together do you know what i mean yeah no that's fine and then push through come on push on through because we would have come through this parkland area to our right it's very sort of shabby and yeah desolate around here it's just a road and some parkland but nothing nothing structured do you know know no but anyway we're entering this uh bam hill park or whatever it is very liminal here yeah sort of in between the countryside and the city and that is a bottle of piss there's no doubt

there can be no doubt about it people chucked their bottles of piss out here out of water Public footpath. Yay. Yeah, here we go. Are we going in the woods again? To the mall, yeah. Let me take a further of that. That's a bit of a scary sign.

Yeah. Right, we're going to come in here. You'll see us later. Hear from us later. Thank you. A moment of respite in the centre of Bam Hill Park. Barnhill. Barnhill.

Eli and I sat against the log. I had some cheese strings. Finished off my Lucasade Pink Lemonade Zero. sugar, energy drink. Can I just say, one of the best decisions we made of this particular walk is not introducing alcohol to any stage of it at any point. I wasn't in the mood. I wasn't in the mood, but also with this length and this heat, in length, the soul to my feet

are fucking hurting now, man. I've got pins and needles into my everything, just sitting down. Nice mackerel sky. It's going to be a stunning sunset. I would... Macal sky? Yes. I've never heard that.

It's like mackerel skin. I've got a lady I call mackerel thighs, but that's because you've got, stinky fanny, Stinky Fanny. What's that smell? It's coming straight from hell. Stinky Fanny, stinky Fanny.

Oh, oh, I wish I couldn't smell the fish. Stinky Fanny, stinky Fanny. I'm done. I'm spent. Smells like spunk and unwashed pillows. Haven't you heard the mackerel sky thing? No, I've never heard it. Well, do you understand why?

I understand what you're getting at now, yeah. They kind of rippled. Cloud, like skin, yeah. I guess it could be any fish, really, though, couldn't it? Macrox specifically does have those striations and bumps. Could be any fish, though, really. It could be any fish. You are fucking me off with your stupid generalisations.

It couldn't be any fish. Why isn't it called Fish Guy then? Why isn't it, though, call Fish Guy? You're right? Oh, look at that fish guy. Because it's Macro, you fucking midwit. This is what you are. Midwit.

Never heard that. before as well. Yeah, I know. Because I've got... I'll just call it fishwit. I keep hitting you with new vocabulary items. Not interested. I know. I don't want to add any more words to my

vocabulary today. Thank you very much. I'm very fuck-on with this. Fuck on. Right, I'm off then. Fuck you, Eli. I'm off. My feet are like black with... Like cold black with filth. No, actually. My feet aren't...

My feet are sore. Particularly... My back is a little sore as well. Yeah. Oh, but where are we? Barnhill Park. It's lovely, in it? It is lovely, in it? Hang on.

Let me just make sure I've got me everything. Wallet, phone charging on my little box bag thing. Since we left... It's an awful episode of podcast. The side of the Welsh harp. I really haven't known anywhere. I know and it's only going to get more... Yes.

I'll... Yeah, I mean, I don't know if your phone's in there. No, my phone is... Don't give me shit. No, I don't know what you mean. You said... Shut? Yes, shut.

Yeah. Yeah. It's sealed with zip. Mate, why ask me if you're going to just double-check it then? Because I'm scared. I'm losing my phone. Fine, but also, you asked me if you had back was then it was, and now it's unzipped, and now you have trouble closing it.

Stop with there. I just think, mate. Stop with that. You're getting your own way sometimes, you know? And I'm here to show you the light. You're such a dick. You know what I am? Say what I am.

Oh, look. Cracking the ground. ground. Fanny. That's a lovely oak. Oh, a lot of lovely doggie. I don't know where we're going. I don't care no more. I know Holmes that ish way. Really? But I don't know. What are we doing? Are we going up the hill? What are we doing? And my balls hurt and there's chafing and me take the map, mate. Because last time I tried to take over and check the map, you went, oh, look, no. It's not the, no. The last time you took over and check the map, you then went, Paul, check your map.

Oh, the sky is really something at the moment. Look at that's lovely. Lovely, lovely, lovely. This is what happens when you recall. The Saville impression, the resort of a Spence man. You know, they made sausages out of it when he died. Savaloi. Go on, laugh, you fuck?

No, I'm not going to. You do it. You laugh. Oh, we're walking straight at the sun now. We shouldn't walk anywhere until I've looked at me ring. Do it. I'm looking at my ring. I haven't made a single joke about bumholes

for the capital ring, have we? Yeah, there. Let it be done. Right, look. We haven't moved anywhere about half an hour. We've got to go up that path. Yeah, up this way. Yeah, up this way.

Or we go. Or we go that way. Mate, what do you want to do? Look, look. Look. Look, we've got to make a decision, important decisions. See, this has taken us all the way up here, and then we have to go all the way back down.

But we could just go across the streets here. Go and then run along the edge and then go down there and then straight to Preston Road. It's not a door to door. It's not a door to door. Fuck the ring. You keep oscillating back and forth from this. Because it was such a good friend at the beginning. It showed us true.

But I just said, look, we got 80 minutes via my app to get home. Yeah, but that was up all nothing but motorways and roads. You know what I mean? It's like an ugly way to end. the episode. Fair enough. Let's go across, but let's do some little shortcutting now. Yeah. So we're going to go straight across and then join this area where there's like a kind of road that goes along the side of this, like almost like hamse's teeth. Well, you fucking go ahead and do that then. And then I'll stop on this because without you,

who am I? I'm nothing. Nothing without you. And I hope a child comes by with a family and you are shamed. Right, he's off for a piss. And as my promise has been kept, I will not. record this. Oh, so I can't be arthur. It's hot. Right, by everyone again. All the parrots. You what?

We should explore Barnhill again one time. All right. When my balls are bleeding. Are they bleeding now? I don't know, mate. I'm genuinely. It's lovely, lovely up here, here at sunset started. Yeah.

The sky is a thousand different patterns of fractal madness going on. Yeah. With little ripples like a Japanese sand. garden and then there's some pitter-patter a pitta-patter flipper frapper fluffy little ones like no your language is gone my friend i'm i'm hitting my stride now go on then yes the flipper flapper cloud you're gonna take me down oh look at that shadow of that cloud me down oh yeah isn't that cool i've never seen the shadow on a cloud on a cloud see you look more carefully at clarefully clavitular really clavicle

mate go walk too fast my balls my thighs and my balls balls not presence everyone I am present it's just my presence is surrounded by pain look at that there's a park over there is that we going there ish

ish depending on circumstances ish because there's a whole load of park there's more park over there as well that's the park because this is the quicker way because this is quicker we're doing quicker now because my balls and thighs are in agony.

All right. Okay, door to door, that's the oath we took. Door to door. Yeah? Yeah. My door to your door. I still got the timer going. I know.

The whole day. Yeah, we will remove. We've agreed that we're going to remove about 40 minutes off the time, final time, which will include stoppages. And we're just going to imagine the time as if we did a non-stop walk. Is that harrow, that hill on the other side there?

Possibly. That is a harrow mill. It must be. because if there's a church it's very hilly around here all of a sudden well over in that direction yeah but I think that's actually we're gonna have to go up a hill more I think that's Stanmore even coming down quite a steep hill

I just say I'm glad this is downhill because if I was going uphill with the amount of agonising chafing I'm going through right now I'd be calling it quits Bumble beat honestly if this was rolls reversed it'd be Uber time because I've got Uber

ouchy going on Paul if it's really bad you no Just give me the recorder and I'll walk home by myself. Back to yours by my time. There's the Piccadilly line because it's going into Preston Road where's where we're going. It's elevated there. That's great.

Yeah. That's going to into Preston Road. Are we going to take this right here? No, we're going straight through. Straight down. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

I think we're going straight down. Do you want me to check again? Yeah, check that we can't cut across there. Yeah. Hang on. Let me just cross the road. And then pull that out and then grab this and then do that. I'm getting tired of opening this app

and getting tired of walking I'm getting tired of all of this right oh we're so close we're so close to the end of this yeah okay yeah we carry on going down here straight down straight down straight down straight down and then we get to the is I just say the Avenue

the avenue yeah so when we go that we go right on the avenue. Cross over to Clan, Oakston Close, and then that takes us to Preston Road. So, we're going there and then wiggling around, Wiggly Woo. Okay.

Right. Ask me how I'm feeling right now. How are you feeling right now, Paul? Really upset and troubled. Why? Because honestly, I'm in genuine agony with my thighs, and I'll be honest, my feet as well. Yeah. I feel numb. We said we'd do it. Look, that is Harrow on the hill.

That's the church spire. We're walking to the other side. We're walking not that. It's the other side. Yeah. So. It looks quite far away, doesn't it? Yeah.

But that's not where we're going, though. Because we're going further away. We're not going up that hill. No. Which was the plan originally, remember? It was. It was foolish of me to suggest that. I would like to absolutely apologize and ask for attrition.

Okay. Contrition. Forgiveness? Forgiveness? Which one? Contrition's forgiveness, isn't it? that's apologisingness. No, contrition is when you go,

yes, if you show contrition, it means you apologize. Yeah, yeah. But what's attrition now? That's attrition. Is that like when you starve something or it's kind of like attrition, like tiredness? Yes, that's a way, it's a strategy.

Oh, a war of attrition when you wear the other side down. That's right. That's where it came from that word. Fair enough, that's fucking apt as well then. I'm worn down until I can give up on this battle. mate it's not a battle why don't frame it as a battle now almost there you just I just I've been hitting my vape pen it's been helping with the pain

has it? Yeah do you want to go? No I honestly don't No because I tell you what you know I look good with vape pens they foot my lungs And what I don't need to do now is have a whitey A big coughing of fit I have a whitey If I have a whitey right now this episode's fucking over Alright I'm just saying it's an option It's not a good option

Oh I cannot get over how beautiful these clouds are All right Bloody hell. Right words worth. You'll be happy to know though. What I will say is this. The ball leg is absolutely taking my mind off my bum hole.

Good. Because my... So you have some painkillers. You should... That's what we need to bring this time we get a big one. Well, pain-fielers ain't gonna fucking... Paul, sorry for nudging you again. The next one, next time we do a big one,

we should bring some ibuprofen ointment stuff. Yeah? You just want to solve my thighs, don't you? do it? You would solve my inner thighs. Yes. If I was aching and I was like, oh, Eli. In a fret, platonically medical way, yes. My balls were chafin and I wanted you to directly.

It's never going to happen, Paul. Oh, I bought it's never going to happen the other day. Or it's my loving, it's called, by, on Vogue. Oh, yeah. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna happen. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. That's an excellent song. That's a fucking excellent song on Vogue.

What's the other one they did as well? I don't know. Power of... No, Power of Woman's Eternal. Hang on. It was, um... That one about... Apparently nothing.

Was that then? No, don't think that was. On Vogue. Nothing apparently, wasn't it that one? Yeah. She wore tights clothing. High-heeled shoes. She doesn't mean that she's a prostitute.

Oh, no, no. That's Tom Jones. That's not Tom Jones. I think that's on Vogue. Queen of the Knight. No. Okay, okay. No, that's Whitney Houston.

and Queen of the Night. I'm the Queen of the Night. Your mind off your nuts. Queen of the night. Holy. Yeah, help me sing. Singing helps me take my minds off my nuts, which take the minds off my bum hole.

We're coming down the other side of Barn Hill. Don't mention Barnes. Barn cake, brown, brown loaf poo. It's very suburban around here, but I was impressed with the natural beauty of Barn Hill Park. Very nice. It is, in it.

A nice little oasis. A lovely view up there, because it goes higher. Did you see? We exited the park. Because Mr. Chaff Nuts needs to get home, get his balls on some ice. You could literally get a bag of peas or something and put it under your nuts. Would you do that?

If you know how to please me, you've got to learn how to free me. I said, free your mind and the rest will follow. That isn't on vogue. That is on vogue. Be color blind, no need to swallow. Something like that. Don't be so shallow, is it? Yeah, that's it. They'd be so shallow.

Anyway, they were... Whatever happened to them? Because they were big. And then, like... I don't know. Something did happen, though. I think perhaps some personal tragedy, actually. Maybe.

Yeah. Well, we can only suppose at this point and guess. Anyway... It was very good for what it was. It was kind of New Jack swinging. It's off the back of that. But not really. Hip-hoppy, sort of samply.

Well, no. But salt. Or soft. Yes, that's what I'm saying. It's singing. But it had a hip-hoppy. It had a hip-hoppy. flavor.

Oh, you know what? Don't give a fuck. Keep going. I can't stop. Because if I stop, I can't stop now. This is all testicle-based. This has become a testicle-based podcast.

The North Avenue Access Ramp. No parking. No swimming, strong currents. Underwater obstructions. But does not tell me what this is. It just says the avenue. mate the avenue right that this is what that was oh thank you there just said the avenue in your ramp access there's a little ramp that goes down

that's where you launch a boat yeah okay so someone falls in and you've got to get a boat down here or something or you've got to dredge it for a corpse there's a little gap under there if you want to get a more angle on it or something I don't know does that work tilt it up at an angle lowering up low yeah that'll do oh yeah there you go that's good in it moving on because every time I stop and then restart it hurts me my balls peel from their skin and then rub against that tender part and a ouchy happened oh fuck off I'll cut myself how about that

oh there's the capital ring sign Eli that's good that's a good sign there I think so we're on at least we're on that so let's go ahead and do that I think good oh nice little bike well there's a two to three actually that goes right past where I live I think as well not going that way it doesn't no I'm just saying that one does it's turning it to a it goes Wembley Central but also goes up my neck of the woods no that's in the other direction in it though so it doesn't it's just showing you from where it is right now you have to across the road to worry about that but I don't want to so we are now heading right up

this road which is a Carlton Avenue East and this will take us right up the road to Preston Park and then according to that sign another three fucking miles how I thought you were nearly there do you remember when we left Welsh Harp Recreation Ground all those days and months ago and it said five and a half miles that means we've done only two and a half miles all I remember is this walk now. My whole life is gone. It's just my memory starts eight hours ago.

It's a pretty intense walk ball. How are you holding up? Look, I don't want to sound like a... Are we an hour and six now? Yeah, I don't know. You've got the timer, haven't we? All I can tell you is, mate, I have literally started like sectioning my brain out to different parts of me. So this one right now is just podcast, Paul. It's just talk in mic, walk forward. There's another part of my brain dealing with the chaffing issue.

right now. I'm sorry. And that one is just like trying to blow cold air on my fucking nuts and my thighs. Sorry, I'm trying not to enjoy it. And my underpants have bunched up into such a way where the fabric is causing almost knife-like slices

to the already exposed raw skin. And then there's another part of my brain, mate. That's literally putting both its hands against my bum hole door and holding tight to try and hold back. Come on. Hold back the night. And then there's another part of my brain

which is trying to prevent me from understanding how much pain my feet are in. So right, you know what, I've got a lot of eggs in baskets. Okay, do you want to not talk then, I mean? No, because I'm a maverick broadcaster, and I am going to record most of what's left of this fucking walk. Because as every Jeep show podcast, it kind of tails off towards the end. So that's the plan. Okay, then.

I'm just going to stop recording now, all right? We're nearly there. Come on more. Right, we've crested, Carlton Avenue East, South Kenton Station is just that way, mate. We're heading, we're going to cross the road here. Pleetie, mate, I'm so near tears.

I'm honestly so in tears, I'm in so much pace. Why are you enjoying it? Because you were such a dick earlier, I don't know. You've got no shape from going on what all? I have some, but it's under control. I've been shape. I can't. It doesn't, it doesn't, oh yeah, now let's do that race.

Well, I can barely swing my legs forward with confidence. Oh, whatever. Fuck off. Just, it is your bad idea. It was not my idea. I didn't want to do this walk. Oh, shut up. I kept saying to you.

Let's just cheat, mate, and just tell them we've done it and get off and walk around in circles for a bit in the woods. What was it we said earlier on about you blaming me? About what? You being in a state and blaming me. I don't remember. It's a beautiful sunset. Why don't you just enjoy it?

It's hard to enjoy it when my test. and thighs are on fire. No, because I just feel I've got to power through. No, it is beautiful. It's beautiful golden light. A pastel, a pastel, yeah, dusk. It's a pastel and gold dusk. What a lovely sight.

You're right. It's just. Strathcone Road. I've got to take a photo of that. Yeah, I think that's one of those BT places. What's, where's what? Oh, there's one of those places you like, mate. corrugated iron buildings oh he just did a cum face he did a proper cummers it is in a

gold tile on that yeah it looks like gold it's just glass is it yeah it's just glass but like you're right it looks like gold shining against the uh the setting sun it's quite like picturesque in a kind of brutal this way isn't it so i think we go around this corner now and the station's here actually you know what let me fucking double check ah It's a legit, Colgate Iron Chapel I've never seen before. Yeah. Yeah. The one in Kilburn is my original one.

That's still stags. Yeah, that's like your OG, isn't it? Which is the HMS, whatever, because it's all to do with naval charity, isn't it? We're not there. We're up there. Where's the station? Yeah, it's just up the road up there. Well, we go past it then. And then we go under it to this park.

This is a fucking show. And there's Northwick Park. See? And then we go up there, and then we're an early home. Yeah. So we are going to see, go through the park, yeah? Yeah. There's some great concrete fencing, there. down's here. Shut up. Concrete fencing. No need. Right. So at this point now, we're running off.

We're going to ignore the map. We don't need the map no more. Mate, we don't need the map no more. Right now, it's Preston Park, Northwick Park, Harrow on the Hill home. And then we're done. Get in, me old. Get it. Please. Please. Just please. Ow. This beautiful night is. It's a beautiful night for me. I've got a little chafing, but you seem to be having some real issues.

I've just, in the last hour, it's really just turned into two knives against my thighs. Slice. Every step you take, imagine that with me, but with a little slice. Yeah. It's not good, mate. Take a picture of this Holy Communion. The Church of the Annunciation. Couldn't even say that, ironically.

Ow! Church of the Annunciation? It's also a Windermere Kids thing. That's crazy like a fox, Mr. Silverman. Yeah, there's the church in the back. So that must be like a community centre primarily now. The golden light's coming through the windows here.

Yeah, the light from me. the inside out yeah pretty but on we march i this just for the record this might be the no it is i think it's the longest walk we've done in one go ever and i think it's apt to four nine nine that it takes us through so many of our history and memories of previous walks i think it's apt that it puts me for a living fucking agony as we inch towards the finish line may come on I'm begging you. I am begging you now to stop dawdling

because every time I have to walk back towards you I'm adding more unnecessary slices. Daughter, can I say that? Door to door. Who's, who, you? Your daughter? Daughter door. Is that her name?

Like Diana Doha. She's your daughter. Diana door to door. Good bit, Paul. Is it? Door to door. Or like, is it Jim Morrison's daughter? Who was called?

Door to Door. She was the daughter of the doors. Oh, I see. Door to Door. Or is it that song by Clearwater Revival? Credence Clearwater Revival. I got most of it, right?

You did. I got most of it, and I think that's the point. They did a song called Door to Door on their album Mardi Gras, didn't they? No. Yes, they did, and it's awful. It was sung by the bassist. You know that whole album where they had a falling out?

mate don't you fucking pipe don't you can't don't you stop me come on so I have to walk backwards well I have to walk it's something oh dearie me I have to walk something what's become of this podcast for what has become of it I don't mean today's episode specifically we've bit off I bit off more than we can chew I can chew this is the thing other than my testicles everything else is manageable and my thighs If I didn't have this, I wouldn't be in so much, you know, I wouldn't be in so many complaints. I wouldn't be complaining so much. Christ, I can't even speak. Yeah, I mean, I've got some discomfort in the, in the region, for sure.

I'd be lying if I'd said otherwise, but, you know, I'm just vibing. I know, I just wish I could enjoy it. The shoes are very supportive and springy to the end. To be fair, these flip-flops are gone on, aren't bad. I don't feel uncomfortable in him. It's just, you know, We've been walking for a long time now. Yes, it's going to be some wearing.

My feet hurt. You know, my feet hurt. You know, a dull thud. You know, a dull ache. And a bit of muscle tension from, like, where my toes have tried to cling to the sandal or whatever. The truth is, we've still got at least 45 minutes to walk. Yeah.

Well, actually, maybe half an hour. Maybe we're hitting the half hour. Maybe we're in the last half hour of this now. We can go back to the park that way, Preston Park. There's a sign for it. Well, no, we're not going that way, because Northwick Park is where we're going. and that's just up here.

So, can I tell, I'm gonna turn this off. Right, I'm done now. That's your new, see you in a bit. I'm done now. That's his new, see you in a bit? Yeah, I'm done. I'm just gonna turn this off. I've got off fucking done.

I've reached my end of my fucking tether. Go on there. We have finally reached Northwick Park. Our last park on this walk. I am literally walking like I'm wading through water right now. It's a sunset worthy of an epic adventure, the ending. I mean, what a beautiful sky, though. Is he taking a picture or two?

Yeah, I've got to, yeah, thank you. Northwick Park, a lovely, a lovely big open space. Huge, big bit of space with railways basically on two sides. Yeah, you've got the... Bakerloo and Overground that side. And that's the Met there. Yeah. You can see, look.

See the Met train? No, it's just there. Yeah, they're close, but they're not the same, because one goes, and the other one goes, like that. That's right. Anyway, look, the point being is that this space is usually used for students and families because there's a university, medical university, with Northwick as well. It's open to the public. It's public land, man. But they use it for sports events and they use it for cricket games and things like that. It's a fantastic resource quite close. This is another thing that really makes where you live particularly, just a great place. You can just get to this in no time. It's fucking lovely, isn't it?

Again, annoyingly, I've only lived. This is the quintessence for me of Metroland. This is the big modernist sort of confuncles rising in the distance. But again, for me, this is a place where, shut up and let me fucking finish a sentence. Jesus fucking Christ. Fuck me. I was going to say, I've only lived in Harrow to close to a decade, and this is the first time I've ever been on Northwick Park. And it's taken an eight-hour fucking walk where my testicles and thighs have been torn asunder

to finally enjoy this space. And then I'm not letting you. And then you just go, oh, watch this, and a rabbit. Oh, it's that a fucking car. I watch this. It's a fucking dog on a brick. Look at the clouds.

Look at the grass. Look at the trees. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Okay. Just let me at least finish a sentence. Yeah. Before you fill up any more empty space

with asinine shit. It's a terrible habit of mine. Or finishing other people's sentences. And then often being like that. How long? We've got to go then. Woo. We are.

Look, we are less than half away from the door of my house. See, that's a Met train there. Yeah. It's been stopped. I've been in that train coming to do the podcast and not walking from here. There's a lot of trains going to Liverpool and Manchester on that line as well. But there's the Baker Lee Line train. Yeah.

No, it's a busy, it's a busy, like, nexus of travel. Yes, but that's why I find appealing about it. It's both quite urban, but also quite. A lot of nature. Yeah, sort of... As well. I mean, I'm going to offer this suggestion. Before we leave the park, we have one last sit down, smoke and pikes and peepum, you know?

And then it's home time, you know? We've got to go to... And also, mate, I really want to stop walking right now because, seriously, I'm so close to, like, having a primordial scream for my inner... Like, like, literally, my boss to my throat wants to scream. Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Now, Paul, every step. Every step I take, every move I make. This would be a good achievement to make.

No, this is not me going home, I'm tapping out, mate. This is just me saying, fucking let me stop walking because I've walked non-stop for almost half a day and for at least a good, I want to take five hours of this walk. Turned into dastidly and must me? At least half of this walk has been accompanied by the raging fire between my legs. So,

well, there's a nice paddy bridge over there and all. Yeah, but that's going the wrong way. Yeah, that takes you to Flockham County. You ever been to fucking country? I've had wanted to check that out,

but not, this isn't the right time. This is not the right time. Anytime you're ready to stop, Paul, just by this little grove of shrubbery. Okay. We'll go over there.

There's another crow. Good old crow. It looks a bit ominous. We are losing the light now. Yeah. I mean, what time is it like, fate or something i don't know i should good look let's have a look actually do a time check on your phone actually we don't need to we left at one exactly didn't we it's pleasant now so it's

five to nine it's actually really lovely it's five to nine so we have walked eight hours four of them have been fucking excruciating oh dude now next time to towel can't you get liquid town You can get lotion for those. Isn't liquid talc an oxymoron to some extent? Yes, but I think there is sort of something that does the job of talc but comes in liquid form. Spaff, grobbling scrobes. Gribbly grab splodge, m' flobberging dong flax.

Now we're into my favourite stuff in the bulls. My bulls are like catacl flickdarkle. My thighs are so grimidal, godaminal, befamidal grew. Are we sitting here? Here, just here. I just want to sit down here. So we're going to, and then...

You're going to be able to get up again? Yes, but I have to stop because I'm just, it's just like a metronome of fucking pain with every stroke of my fucking leg. And I hate to harp on about this because I understand that people... Here's the thing, though. People are listening to this

are listening to like a condensed version of my agony. We've got long stretches between chat. You're going to be able to come over. to mine tomorrow to work, do you think? Yes. Because I'm going to bomb my balls up good. Take some painkillers as well, maybe. I'm just going to slather him. Ibuprofen lotion. Get some shit on there.

I don't have any. Have you got any? I should have brought some out. Have you got some? Yeah. I think we could have ended this episode with you slathering my nuts. What an opportunity missed. Your thighs.

Yeah. Anyway, we're going to sit down now and then we're going to go over that way. But for now, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen of all ages, I just need to take a ballache break. Oh look, there's a chimney over there where they probably burned people. Right. Cool.

I have positioned my underpants in a way where they now cup and scoop my balls away from my thighs somewhat. For the time being. For the time being, for now, it's a temporary fix. It's a band-aid over the issue. Yeah.

But it is... Some chaff right at the back at the bumhole side. Oh, really? Not on the bum hole, but just below the bum hole, yeah. Yeah. You've got quite, like, your bum, chubby, chubby thighs, yeah. Chubby thighs and nice chubby bum.

But I just thought, if I tucked and hoisted, then we're good. There's a, there's a Met Line train going into Harrow on the hill. No, it's not. It's going into Northwick Park Station. Can you forget, we're not nearly home yet? Well, honestly, I think it's when I... It's going to be 40 minutes now. I do.

I honestly didn't realize the length and breadth of this walk. until we saw that sign saying 13 miles to Harrow. Which was on Parkland Walk, which actually does feel like a different day. It all honestly, doesn't it? It feels like a lifetime ago. It feels like all I know is this walk. But, yeah, it's been an emotional day, mate, for me. My legs have started to hurt real bad, man.

It's been confessional. It's been touchy. I can feel the fabric slipping. The fabric? You know, my temporary fix. Yeah. There's a... Come on, keep this.

Just push through. Yeah, no, we're pushing through. There's some roustabouts on microscooters. I hope they're not big boys. They're not big boys. I'd hate this episode to end with big boys giving us a doing. You know? That would suck.

Anyway, just so people know, we're walking to the edge of the park now. Just pass all the student housing and the new housing build that's going on. As we walk past the... station we go past the hospital walk up to the roundabout under the station uh the rail yeah yeah uh through the station i don't just keep talking maybe a sentence l mnopee elemnopee can you see me lmnop can you see you elementop qrst oh yeah the arch is gone red the arch of the arches and the moon it's quite beautiful in it i should take a picture of that really, shouldn't I?

It looks more impressive than the eye than the camera. It does, but I still think I should make a fucking effort. Try it. Hang on, here we go. Zoom in. Yeah, there.

How about that? That's all right, doesn't it? I've got my glasses on. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna just do a night vision one, hang on, see if that helps. Which it won't. Oh, I did it.

No fucking difference. Anyway, pretty. It's been a, you know what? I will say this, it's been a pretty walk. Yes. You know, when people say London, it's all this, actually, all the greener we've seen,

the quiet... Well, it has been quite parched and look here, and you can hear the shuffle of dead leaves. It's not autumn people. No, it's not autumn. It's because of the heat that those leaves died. Death, the heat, death of the universe is coming. Get ready, baby. So, yeah, we are

in the final stretches of this... We've reached the path, tell them that. Conceptually misguided walk, I think you will all agree. We're on a pathway. We all knew you were wrong. We knew you were wrong, but I wanted to see it through to the end.

Door to door, man. I'm going to get a tattoo. Door to door. So maybe call you... We're going to do door to door to door. All right, well, we're going to be door to door, mate. I promise you, the last thing this... Our listeners will hear is the door closing on this episode

and my enthusiasm for this episode. Oh my God, I'm a shell. I am, honestly. There's the line that goes to Marlabone. That leaves from Harrow-on-Hill. 15 minutes to take some Harrow on the hill to Marlabel. bone just for the record. Yes, and we've been on the road for eight hours.

Yep. This has been, what's the time check? Have you got one still? I mean, I wouldn't be upset if you said, fuck off, Paul. I don't want to, but I get it. No, I've got it. I know, we shouldn't have stopped. Sorry.

I had to stop to look at this. Here we go. What would be doing on the clock? Eight and a half hours. Eight and a half hours. Well, the fucking guide said the whole walk was going to be like 12. Well, we fucking told that. didn't we? Fuck you.

Fuck you go jointly. Did we shave three hours off, but we didn't do the actual route. And actually, actually, if we take off the stoppage time, it's got to be more like seven and a half, I'd say.

Yeah. So that's not bad, is it? Considering we've gone over most of North London. We shouldn't take off the stoppage time because we needed the stoppage time for stoppage time. No, but like in a kind of crow flies way.

Yeah. Okay, we can do the calculation later. I don't want to do it at all. Can I just remind everyone? We haven't actually exited fucking Northwick Park yet It's fucking vast I'm a bit

I'm a bit confused I'm a bit confused I think we need to go that way I think we need to go this way mate I tell you why I think if we go this way We come out by the hospital Yeah

If we go under there we'll start walking away from home And have to go on the city Give me the app baby What's the walking distance to the house To my house without revealing the secret location of where Paul Gannon sex master

and international love thronger lives all right there you go tap that in beep bot beep four hours and seven minutes oh so it is saying it up that way wait wait pull it back pull it back

I'm not so disagreeing with it I'm fine to go with it because if we cross the rail that's the main thing yeah yeah all right fuck it yeah fine fine fine fine we did finish off just now a video diary that took in some of the route visually so that'll be available

to patrons first but then it'll eventually be on YouTube sometime in the future maybe around 500 just to say thank you for everyone's support. I think my legs going to start working I've got pebbles in my shoes I need a pebble shoe just chewing all right I'll tell you what oh no maybe just keep going oh look at this little

Northwick Park station tunnel subway tunnel yeah it's nice in it I'm really bored of taking pictures Oh look we're still sign for capital ring Oh there you go Well only for us

Because obviously You go this way as well on it It's not a one way system is it Is that a picture of me You take one, yeah good man And they've actually been off Northwick Northwick Park Station So this is actually

Made from Gerders like iron brew Which way do we go Oh straight through So this is on the Met line. The last stop before Harrow on the hill. There it goes over, chundly chundle. Not going to get another drink. I think we're all good here.

All right. Okay, well, we're out and we're going to do the last big push. So, come on, baby. We can do this easily our most epic walk in a very long while. And you're going to listen to the very bitter end. so old tight bitches, it's fucking rock and roll for Paul and Eli. You think we're beating? Fuck off, you cunt.

Tell them to fuck off our listeners if they think we can't do it. If they think we can't do it, then, yes. Yeah, tell them to fuck off. Tell them to fuck off now. No off, you cunt. You sweaty bastard sitting there in your fucking room, listen to us Cheap Show, and you have the gall to think, oh, these pussies are going to fucking lie and not really do it. I didn't do, hey, that's another fucking point, you fucking cunt listening.

Didn't do a bus either, did we? Hey? I bet you when you listen to this at the beginning, I bet they have, and I was not going to do your voice, that's not fair. I bet they're going to take a bus and they totally bottle it. Well, yeah, we beat you two.

We beat everyone this year. I'm going to go ahead and say it, Eli, we are the best podcast in the world easily. We didn't have win an award, did we? But you know what, Goodfellers didn't win an award, did it? Jaws didn't win an award, did it? Jaws won Best Picture.

Didn't win Best Picture. Yes, it did. Spielberg has not won for Best Picture until Shunders' list. So thank you. Fuck, I'm the best podcaster. And the best podcast. I'm sure Jaws got one. It might have got like a technical award or something.

In terms of like, you know, like the films we all remember. But like... Yes, but the Oscars are... No, but there's my point then, right? So there we go. You've made my point. So we don't need an award to be the best fucking podcast in the world, and you're going to hear me and Eli get to fucking home, get my own.

And they're going to fucking end. But we're going to do it. We're going to do it, and we're going to prove all you people wrong. Turn left into Kenton Road. What other podcasts would tell its listenership to fuck off? No one but cheap show. But we do love you all dearly as well, especially the patrons. We're not saying fuck off to them.

In fact, we're saying we love you more than every other bugger who listens. Right, that's that bit done. It's ridiculous. With the holding. But mate, it's just what I'm doing to power my way through. It's fine. We've got to turn left into Kenson Road up here. Yeah, we will.

It's fine. From this point on, I know where we are, so we're all good. All right, all right, boy. All right, boy. About quarter of an hour away now. Yeah, that sounds about right. We're just now entering. Harrow, I know where we are.

There's going to be a Tesco just there. Yeah. And then it's a 10 minute walk up the road. Yeah. Mate. What a broken man stands beside you. I know. I'm pretty broken as well, mate.

But mate, we've bonded today as brothers on this journey. Yeah, as brothers. We would become as close as we ever could, my friend, through this intimate, epic walk. This is why, this way, that way. That way. That way. Trust me. Trust me.

Do you want to trust me? Yes. Do you want to trust me that way? Trust me. I am a broken man. We're leaving Bonner's Field Lane. You're going to get home now. You don't need guidance now.

No. I've got me radar. A man on brain is good. Walk forward. A state of sentence. So, hello. I am, this is what I don't. This is why I don't.

Oh, mate, my fucking my brain's fried. My brain is fried. We're in Harrow now. Hooray, we're in Harrow. Not the centre of Harrow. That's my heart. us over there where the station is, we've managed to slip around and circumnavigate all the main roads and so we've come out at the top of Hindro where Tesco's is.

That makes sense. That's why I was wondering where it was going to draw us to. And I kind of surmised it will probably this end of Harrow. But what I don't think, because I don't know as we record this, how long the actual episode's going to be, right? And I also don't know if the listener will understand just how massive this walk's been today, you know? It was been a long one the green man, catch the green man.

Cross here, it's catch the green man. But this has been, I mean, we're all, you're feeling it now, aren't you? Oh yeah, oh yeah. My feet. Numbness and ache in my lower, right leg, do you know what I mean? And you said you had shoulders chafing

because of your bag and stuff. And I've, my nuts are like in a kind of, holding pattern of pain right now. And I'm sweaty again. Sweety. I thought the sweaty would end when we're in Northwood Park and the breeze was up.

But no. I think it's just we're out of shape old men walking. No, this way. This way. Trust me. Trust me.

Trust me, trust me, trust me, trust me. So, yeah, we are... Wait. No, no, no. Wait. No. We haven't No

I know where we're going It's this way It's this way No it's this way Because up this way Is Tesco Yeah no Trust me

Mate trust me Oh now strangers are looking at me As I scream Trust me to him Trust me come down this alleyway What? Okay it's down here You're right

Yeah It's down here Trust me Trust Paul he knows how to get out it's not it's definitely not mate honestly 13 minutes trust me

trust me 13 minutes sorry no no no I'm getting a bit we're past all sense of mock character cheap show versions of us we're now in the let's just get home because we've done a podcast worth my point is yes

I hope we've gotten across in this episode just how fucking stupid an idea this episode was to walk Door to door From where? Haringay Haringay to Harrow H to Harrow

H to H That's all you need to know That's all you need to know And right now I can literally Can literally smell victory All right, we are almost Right on it now

10 minutes Yeah, get another drink but I'm close enough to home now I'm close enough to home now So here we go And there's that old cinema That's been turned into the posh housing, you know, it was art deco-y.

But it's still a cinema as well. Is it? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know, because- Bollywood stuff and the Asian stuff. Oh, I didn't know they still did that. I thought the whole place had been turned into flats. No. Oh, that's kind of cool, that. Metro.

I think that's part of the deal. They could get the flats if they also kept the, you know. Does that mean if, does that mean, though, if you live above it? Like, for like four and a half hour straight, you could hear bangor and shit like that. I hope the soundproofing's decent on those flats. Yeah.

That's all I'm saying. Because as much as I love a good Bollywood, I also would not like to live in a flat above a Bollywood cinema. They're quite noisy films, aren't they? Because they're all musicals. Dunker, dunka, dunk, dae. And then like lots of outlandish dance sequences and four and half hour films.

It's a whole fucking evening out, isn't it? I don't know. But when I've been down there, I've seen the advertising films in the... Cool. No, that's good to know. I thought they'd gutted it and just turned it into flats

with like a costa underneath or something. Yeah. Good to know they didn't. Right, we're on, this is it, mate, literally. Oh, off the Tesco, is it that? No, that goes past the Tesco, but we're going past up there. All right. We're literally staring at my place. Oh, I mean, where we are in Hackney right now. Harrogator Hackney we just walked. Wow, this hotel looks grim. You know what, Chris, for Barshans, our mate Chris, I think she stayed here when she was doing some film shoots. And she told me, oh, I'm opposite a place in Tesco near you. And I was like,

what that place? And she went, yeah, and I was like, you're all right to us, well, I don't feel safe. But I'm sure it's fine, right, for what it is. It's better,

better than the place you went to that time in Norwich. Anywhere is better. Which was a sex hotel, right? It was a brothel. Brothel on the brothel. Not a brothel, just one of those pay,

you know, 25 quid for the night. Why didn't Brandoff ever open a range of raffles? Like brothels, but Brandoff ones, brothels. oh I don't wait there that works Raffles

Brant bruff Raffles Brandoff Raffles Bradolph Raffles Broth Raffles Oh may We're so nearly close Right In this instance

See a bit You're not going to the door to door yes Door to door But I'm not recording The next 10 minute walk We will One more time One more time baby

Come on You're it All our listeners and Rithus They're saying Come on Eli Come on Paul Oh, you're there they own. A marathon is what, twice this, more than twice this in one day running.

Yeah, can you imagine fucking running that? Fucking else. You know, when I hear people are working, go, well, I'm going to do the marathon next year. I go, oh, that's doable. But then after today, I'm like, I wouldn't run this twice. I don't think I could. I mean, I know you can train and blah, blah, blah, and anyone could potentially. I know people...

That's why they practice by... They build up to it with half marathon. Yeah, no. I mean, God bless all those who do, but... Sorry to be up brusque. But fuck that. noise. We've done over half a marathon? Yes. Well again, we're not doing a marathon and we're not running it so it doesn't really compare.

Shut up and stopping the recording. Everybody, yeah, yeah, walk 20,000 miles, yeah. Jeep shows back tonight now, no, no, no, no, no, no, cheap shows back. All right. This is it. Literally. Around the corner, moments away from Harrow on the Hill House. Away from the Harrow on the Hill House. The second location.

I've started to suffer. I don't know how much I've been letting it on over the last few. You've been a brave soldier. You've been a very brave boy. If Chafing wasn't my problem, I'm starting to get blisters on my toes. And my whole leg aching a lot, my right leg. I'll get you a tattyo, mate.

I'll get you a tatty. Just from hitting the pavement again. again you know yeah I think that's what made the last bit hard it's been all pavement almost you know it's not really had that soft spongy give that you need of the turf of the turf here weft and the wharf ahead of me the park we won't be going in there we turn onto my road hooray my fucking word and there I could see the glimpse of my home door to door actually walked door to door so this is it this is the last segment thoughts should we not do this again

Let's never do this again. Let's never do anything akin to this again. You know what I mean? Like, let's not start checking off the sections of the capital ring. Well, you could do one section in a day and that'd be great little episode. Do you know what I mean? I guess, yeah, one section's enough.

That's still enough, more than enough. That's how people do it. They do a section. That's where they complete it, you know. Not do three whole fucking segments in one day, just for a gimmick because we said we do it once and then I thought it'd be a good idea for $499. But I'm glad we've actually.

achieved it because we actually have gone door to door everyone it has been no cheap door to door we've walked kind of as the crow flies is my gaff all the way to my gaff and we are literally how many miles is that all together did we say it was oh no it was like 14 miles we've done oh yeah 15 i think we've done today yeah that is considerably more than anything we've ever done because i think the can the regent's canal was what eight yeah and i thought that was the longest or was it 12 or something the regents canal i don't remember well i did it was a All I do remember is it didn't put us through hell like this. No.

It felt like rather genial. Compared to this. Yeah. This is crazy. And we still have to do the, as we approach your door. Yeah. We have to look at the timer. Yes, let's do that before we end this episode.

We are literally at my door now. Door to door. It's kind of surreal, isn't it? Yeah. I kind of feel like this should never have been something we ever did. Give us the time. Give us the time. I've got my glasses on.

even though they're steamy and stuff. So I ask you to stop the clock. End. So yeah, what have we got? We're literally coming up to, it's just shy of nine hours. Yeah. I reckon we could take an hour off

all the stoppage time and breaks, but that's still eight hours. That long? I would say more, to be honest. We stopped for longer than an hour. We only stopped for about 15 minutes each time, really. We stopped like four or five times though, didn't we? Okay.

An hour? An hour, let's agree to an hour. So. On the road. seven hours eight hours yeah because we're just shy of nine walking for eight hours

yeah that's a stupid stupid stupid fucking idea right door to door mate that is our epic 499th episode walkabout adventure

harrow harangay to harrow we're cloud I'm not going to keep this going we're just going to go in so thank you for supporting us on cheap show 500's coming up next have you got your ticket if so there's still time

you can go to our website the cheap should look if not so if not so it doesn't matter if so that's it if you not got your ticket yet and if not oh you shut up shut up and right near the end and I don't need this from you right what's I saying so if you haven't got a ticket yet for the live show and you want to come the Cambridge junction.com.com.uker.com.com or the cheapshow.com.com. Look for cheap show live. Get your ticket. Paul Putner, Nick Helm, Stuart Ashen, Louis King, lots of surprises and guess it's going to be a wicked time in Cambridge.

Come and join us. Fantastic venue. Fantastic time. We're going to do a Q&A in all sorts. And there's 500 badges. They're great badges. I love you guys. Thanks for coming along with us today. And even if you can't make it, come and celebrate 500 with us. When we release it as a podcast the following week. Right, that's that. Oh, I should say one more important thing, because I probably have announced it by the time this goes out.

But yeah, after 500, Cheap Show has taken a break for a month. So we're going to be back in October. So I need a break And I think after days like this You can understand why So yeah We'll be back in October We're going to take September off

So I can have a break And not do the podcast And do other things For a whole four weeks So be patient with us We'll come back roaring to life in October But thank you for supporting Cheap Show For 11 years, 500 episodes

And thank you Eli for being my co-host And Confidonde for out It's no problem Paul Thanks for coming along With this journey everyone And we're all dead inside I love you all.

I love you all. I love you, Eli. All right, let's go in. Key in the door. Door to door, Eli. Door to door, here we go. Door to door. In the door, it goes key.

Insane. Turn. And here we go. See you for 500, everyone. Bye. Closing the door. Done.