CheapShow - Ep 499: Door To Door (Stereo)

Episode Date: August 7, 2026

Stereo Edition For over a decade, Paul and Eli have tackled a number of long, weird and tiring walks for their “walkabout” episodes. This week, for our four hundred and ninety ninth edition of the economy comedy podcast, the Cheap Chaps take on their most epic, most arduous and definitely most punishing walk EVER… And all they are doing is walking from Eli’s flat in Harringay to Paul’s place in Harrow. How hard can it be? As it turns out, it’s a ruddy nightmare! What seemed like a cute idea at the start quickly becomes a walkabout like no other. Over the course of NINE hours and around 16 miles, they’ll take in high streets, quiet suburbs, motorways, country parks, winding trails, parkland walks, familiar routes, hot weather, old haunts and accidently dig up some memories from the past decade of CheapShow. It’s an emotional episode with plenty of big arguments, dark humour, dumb decisions and many embarrassing agonies to endure over THREE HOUR and TWENTY MINUTES! You want an Odyssey? Here is CheapShow’s! See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-499-door-to-door GET TICKETS FOR Ep 500 LIVE Cambridge Junction (J2) August 23rd @ 4pm https://www.junction.co.uk/events/cheapshow-podcast-live/ www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] For all other information, please visit: www.thecheapshow.co.uk Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

It's 499 and everything's fine. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon. And look, who's this little guy over here? Hi, everyone, it's Eli Silverman. We're about to embark on a very special walkabout. Why don't you tell them about it, Paul? I will. Thank you, my good friend. So, hello, welcome to the Cheap Show podcast, and it's episode 499.

And guess what? We're doing a very special walkabout episode. It's something we've basically promised on and off for years. I never really got around to doing it. but now's the time. We're going door to door. We're going to start at Eli's place in his secret location in Harangay.

In Harangay. And we're going all the way to where I live in Harrow. That's exciting, isn't it? Arringay with an E? Yeah. But also Harangay with a A, as in gay. As in what you are and your mum.

Well, that's not very nice, is it, boys and girls? That's not very nice at all. Here's me putting a fucking chipper look on this. Come on. Keep it. And Eli calls me a gay man. Now, as a bisexual man, I don't find that offensive. But what I do find offensive is me getting here an hour ago

because Eli was like, oh, we got to leave right on the dot. It's a long walk, ow, out, out, got here. I get here before midday. And it's been one hour since I got to his. And I sat on the couch and rolled a bifter, 45 minutes since he promised me. He'd be ready to go in just about five minutes. Was it a bifty yet?

Yeah. Yes, Paul. And I want to express contrition. I want to express contrition about that. But, Dilly Dahlia. Well done for getting here for just before midday if you actually got here.

Because it means we're still making pretty good time compared to when we usually start these things. Do you know? And it's close to one o'clock. You've been one sec. I know. But just so you know, what's important right now, ladies and gentlemen,

what's holding us back? It's not him packing. or making sure he's got the right equipment, though. It's him having a hit from the bong, or his little pipe or whatever it is. I'm not impressed. I'm not impressed. You always give me shit about, Paul, the weather.

It's going to be hot at this time of day, and it's going to be air. I get here early so he can set off. And, mate, you're just sitting here with your fucking stupid cunt's hat on. It's not a cunt hat. It is. You're wearing it.

Did you bring your hat? Did you bring your hope? Honestly, you're going to suffer, mate. You're gonna suffer out there. You don't understand. I suffer wherever I go. I'm a sufferer. Right?

Just be aware. Yeah? Do you know what else I have? Which you definitely don't have. What? Sunblock. What's this in my bag? Oh, have you not sunblock?

What's this in my bag? And there. What's that? There. Oh, a little thing of sunblock. Yeah, thank you. Oh, apple. Hapolablog.

You're horrible sometimes to me. You're like, rather than just say, yeah, mate, I'm fucking up, I'm holding us back. You'll just deflect. That's what I have said. You deflecting? No, not. Yeah.

I'm fucking us up and holding us back. I'm sorry. Come on. I'm sorry you had to get here early. This is going to be a long walk and possibly a long episode. It's still, which is why I thought we'd do. Now, explain to them. You told me we'd get it at midday and you'd be straight to go straight.

Explain which boroughs that we're doing and stuff like that. Well, we're doing loads. I'll explain that we're going to be intersecting. Yes, with the past. Yes. Don't make, don't sit there. your fucking weed pipe and dictating to me what needs to be in this episode. I know. I'm ready to go.

Anyway, we're doing a walk from Ms to mine and it's a long walk. Loads of miles. I don't know how many. I haven't really checked, but it's a long walk. I think it's going to take us about nine hours. Eight or nine miles. All right. Eight or nine miles and it's going to be a long walk. All right. Well, yeah, you do something. Why don't you? But weirdly, not I'll say weirdly, when we do this walk, we're going to be intersecting with previous walks. So we're going past like the Parkland Walk?

A part of the Parkland Walk, which viewers might remember, is London's longest linear park. London's longest linear parking kissing the night. You can kiss in the dark, that place. That's right. And then we go through Highgate Woods and Queen Woods, and then we're going... They're part of...

Yeah. They're part of the ancient Finchley Forest, which was a lot of little bits of Finchley Forest we'll be going through. Do you remember Coppitz Wood? Yeah. We'll be going up past there behind what? where you used to live in East Finchley. Yeah.

Yeah, there's also, we're going to, it takes us via East Finchley, where I used to live on a little bit of a walk of cherry tree. We're from 450. And then we're going to be walking all the way up past Bishop's Avenue or whatever is towards the Highgate Extension. Yeah.

Yes, and there we'll be going along the course of the River Brent. Famously, it gives its name to the borough of Brent. One of the three boroughs, I believe, will be going through. And that's also one of the walks we did the Gannon's Golden Quest, I think, where we walked along that route down towards Thingy Mejigamy. The other thing that Brent gets its name after is Brent Cross, of course.

Which we will be going just past and not close enough to go near, but we will be able to see it from our view. I can't do it. We're going to end up with McDonald's in Brent Cross. We're not. I won't. Okay, fine. And then we are walking from there through area,

well, what's that wood that you said we went to when we did 350 or 400. Then we filmed on the bank and we did a little thing and there's a little river area by Brent Cross that he took us to. Oh, you mean Welsh Harp? Yeah, the Welsh Harp. Brent Reservoir. Yeah.

And we'll be going along that or passing it in some way. And that's before we just get to Hendon is on the other side of that. So basically from the Brent Cross side, then to the Hendon side. And then take us from there. Well then basically from there we're heading down and towards... Through Kenton. Yeah, through Kenton. up past Preston Road and Northwick Park

and then Harrow on the Hill and then we're going to end at my place. I'm just saying we can when we get to Harrow on the Hill. We can get one down. You might be exhausted. Yes, we might be exhausted. So that is what you can expect this week on Cheap Show. I have no idea. There's going to be a three hour episode,

a two hour episode, a one hour episode, a two part, a three part, a 25 parter. We just don't know at this point. We just don't know, but it is going to happen. So come on. It's Cheap Show. It's our big walk before episode 5. So come on, we're going door to door. Come on. Oh, I like literally a minute.

Okay. A minute. It's going to be another fucking minute. Cue the music. And we're off. We've left the homestead of Eli J. Silverman, which we must, must keep a secret. House of Pickles. House of Pickles.

For all you out there. But we have leaving the House of Pickles and we're walking to the Haunted Harrow House on the Hill. Eli, what have you done? I have started a stopwatch just to have a rough idea of the actual time will take us. time will take us door to door on this epic walk i think probably the longest walk we've ever one of set out to do well it's because the uh canal region's canal one was pretty fucking long i seem to remember that was six miles no this is bigger was it yeah because it no it was like i'm sure it was eight or nine it took us about four hours i remember four or five hours either way

this is going to take longer than that And if I'm being honest, ladies and gentlemen, I'm already fucked off and want to go home. But I guess we are going, no. But the problem is, is that with this weather, you never know what to expect. No, I mean, that's not... You feel the sweat and the heat building off already. I'm just worried about cobwebbing and chafing. That's what my worries are.

There'll be some. Yeah, you can't avoid it in this weather, unless you've packed travel talc. I haven't packed travel talc, but I have... Here we are. Oh, yeah. So tell them where we are. We're on the ladder. Yes.

We have just set off. We are going to head towards Haringay overland or main line. I don't know what kind of line is that that Haringay station's on. Either way, we're getting there and we're going via one of our old familiar spots on Cheap Show history, which is a harangay passage. Yes. Here we are. A lovely bit of passage. Did you say with an E harangay?

And then that doesn't have an E? Yes, that's because this is the actual. very specific neighbourhood of Harangay with the with the AY at the end. Right. And Harangie. Harangie. Harangay the borough, which stretches all the way to Highgate and all the way all of Tottenham is in it. Yeah.

Is spelled with an E.Y at the end. E.Y. Well, there you go to me. S subtle differences. That makes a difference. Specifically right around here is Harangay. Yeah. Anyway, Harangay passage.

Anyway, just around here. And we've been up here. This is the older part of the passage. You know how, Paul? These old cobblestones. Oh, I love the cobbles. And they've been weathered by the weather. Oh, that's that guy who paints chewing gum.

Oh, that guy? Yeah, he lives up in Crouch End. Take a picture of that, because we need to stop taking pictures. That's right. Also, pictures and possibly a small video die will accompany this walkabout on our website, the cheap show.com. Or if you do a Patreon thing, you can do patreon.com forward slash cheap show. And actually, since it's our 500th episode,

if you want to spend the little money on us to say thank you for 500 episodes, why not for a month or two just say thank you with a patronage. Just a thought, in it? If you haven't done it before and you appreciate our 500 episodes of rock hard comedy, then patreon.com for it's as cheap as you.

I'm not going to say any more. Wax is a form of substance that can be smelly or not smelly. Just a thought. It's just a thought, isn't it? It's one of those thoughts that we all have. Is that the kind of thought you were talking about? That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, look. There's planters here on Warren Road. Warram Road. Warrham Road which the Harrogay Passage crosses. It's rat runs, isn't it? Oh, picking up the kids? No, it'll take you long. I just hate these cars, these big SUVs. One person in the huge SUV.

Why, vans, you kind of think, okay, van, it's a working vehicle. It's designed to move things around. Yeah. Why do you need that if you're just a private individual or family? You don't, you don't. It's a lie you've been sold. It's a status thing. It's like an iPhone. It's like everyone else's got one. I want an SUV as well. It's like, well, Britain was never made for those kind of cars on these kind of roads.

Oh, Paul and Eli, we're getting old, aren't we? We're still on these old, lovely old paving stones. And apparently I heard a story that people were caught up here with vans and stealing these, because you can get like 300 quid of stone. For the money? Yeah. For the special gardens.

They're really expensive. You can't get these anymore, and they're old and weathered. That's not very good, is it? You're going to make some kind of bespoke high-end garden feature or something, yeah. They're just, they're worth money. Where did you get them from? Oh, God, mate, to steal them from Haringay Passage. That's good.

Now we're on modern. Yeah, sir. God, mate, no. No, we're not talking about paving stones as a podcast. Well, we could just talk about something, mate. Well, we could just talk about memories. I remember paving stones. Yeah, fair enough.

No, we're going through, part of the Harrogay Passage, goes through a magnificent Victorian, structure, a school, yeah. Look at that turret. Tarrots as well. Class turret. Torrets. Yeah, I love this building architecturally. But we are heading up to cross the rail lines

at Haringay Station indeed. And I think, I don't know, that's got an A-Y or an E-Y. Well, I'm sure our audience is fucking holding their breath to find out more. Right, Madison Row, we're crossing now, and I think this is the last chunk of passage, isn't it? It's this or one maybe one more.

This or one more. And now we're going past the topless man. We're dogs. Right, the right. Cool. And here we go. Do we want to stop now? Do you want to stop what?

The whole walk? We can. Oh, we can. We can just go sit in the park and make walking footsteps every now and then. Make walking foot. You know. Oh, we're doing so well. No, come on.

All right, no, we're going to. The sun is beating down. It's beating down. Yeah, it's coming out now. It was cloudy when I left and a bit gray. But now. Now the sun is out and Eli and I are making our walk, our big epic walk. You've got the sunglasses, right?

No. What do I need to look at the sun for? I don't need them. One more across. We're crossing Duckett Road. Duckett Road. And you know that common up at the top? Yeah.

That's Duckett's common. Duckett was one of the important men involved with the development of this area. Is that a Banksy? That's what someone's asked. Is that a Banksy, Eli? What makes you think it's not a Banksy? It's signed by a different artist La Cotto. La Cotto. La Cato.

It's a bit cheesy, isn't it? Yeah. It depicts a young lady holding a heart in her hand and the heart is breaking. She's got a broken heart. It's fucking cheesy as shit. I mean, the actual render is quite nice stencil work the way, do you know what I mean? Yeah. But don't you think the subject matters like a, it's like a... I'm not, I'm doing neither thing right now.

Like a hallmark card. Yeah, but it's making you think, in it? Think what? This young lady has a broken heart? Yes, and then it thinks why. Why has she got a broken heart? Is it love? Has she lost a love?

Or it's a societal? Yeah, but Banksy would have something much more clearly societal. Well, maybe Banksy's saying, I've already taken a picture of it now. Don't worry about it. You've had your chance to take a picture and you missed out. So anyway, I look at her. And I think... Oh, yeah.

Do you remember these walls with bits of glass? Make, no, come on. We can't be one of these podcasts. That just goes, do you remember white dog poo? Walls with glass on the top, man. That's fucking lethal, although effective, I'd imagine. Stink pipe. Stink pipe for a stink.

Also, my school used to have, like, anti-climb paint on it or whatever it was, which is like this tarry paint they put on. Yeah, and if you try to climb over a wall, you just get black all over you, and it was all sticky and horrible. Didn't actually anti-climb anything. It just was like, if you climb it, but. you get caught. Yeah, and you'd be sticky.

You'd be sticky and also you'd be caught. Tari. Are we going up here? Cavendish. Cavendium. No, no, we don't actually. Next one. It's all the way along here.

It's all the way along. Right, that's it. I think we've done enough passage talk. I hope. I can't. I know you could, but I do not want you to. So we're going to. Come on, Paul.

Cheer up. I'm cheering. You haven't had your first Red Bull. You have not come with enough protection from the sun, my lad. I've got cream. Yeah, but you. And that's enough. Oh, who cares.

Okay. Who cares, mate? Don't blame me if you get sunstroke. All right, yeah, fine. I won't, I'm on record saying I will not blame Eli if I get sunstroke. It's all on me. All right? Oh, man.

Q three hours time and you will bleakily. Oh, I think, Dave, it's your life's fault. Right, oh, there's noise. Let's stop it now. Noise. Oh, yeah, there's the station. We'll go up that way. Right.

Playing catch up, we've crossed the unnecessarily steep bridge. at Haringay Station, spelled by the way without an E. It was with the A. Yeah, because it's the place, rather than the borough. Gay with an A, not an E. That's what I did see. So, and then we went and got some provisions, a red bull each and some water,

textbook, and now we're heading to our connection with, oh shit, me foot, nearly tripped over, Dad. Oh, imagine if it's fallen over. Yeah, it wouldn't be good, we'd have to... I'd have to... I'd scotch me knee and I'd cry. Right, Londis, Fermi Park Road. Firm Park Road, yeah.

So where do we get on, where do we get on, the walk? Cool. That pub there, yeah. Which one? Just there, it's just tucked in with the curved window. They've got one of those things, they do Czech Lager, and they've got one of those things like a glass washer that's sort of built into the top of the bar.

Oh, yeah. And you press down. Have you seen those? Yeah, have you seen those? And it's really cold and fucking wet. It's funny, isn't it? I want to go in there and drink a fucking good. Well, we're not, though, are we?

Nicholas Nickleby. called. Yeah. I didn't. I mean, that's based on a famous book by. Kurt Vonnegut. Is correct. Because I'm dumb, I don't know. Right, okay. Soft serve

available here at the goods office. What's the whole thing with soft serve? It suddenly got trendy. But in fact, it's that stuff like, it's Mr Whippy, isn't it? It's all greasy. It's talking of witch, mate. I can tell you something else. Soft, soft serve and greasy

that I had to deal with. I mentioned it, everybody. Just something you're saying when I... I think we're on the wrong side of the road. We are. Tell them where we are now. Well, we're under a bridge. Is that a sign on the wall that says the bridge?

Oh, these bins are for the good office. No, it's not to do with us. This is a bridge that will connect us directly to the Parkland Road. What's it called? South. Parkland Walk South. We're joining now. Yeah.

We're going up that little path now. All right. So we're going to do that. What's the way towards Highgate, though? Well, this way. Are you sure? Yeah, because we're walking away. Yes, we can double check that.

Right, here we are. Parkland Walk South, local nature reserve, Stapleton Hall Roadgate, if anyone's following us on the map. That's where we are. That's where we are. And we're going to join. This is officially on the Greenway as well, is it now?

Is that right? I mean, I hope so. Doesn't really matter. We're door to door. And there's a little path under the bridge there. Oh, shit. It's quite steep this. So walking up, and this is, is this right?

Yeah, this is right. And that's not used to joining it like this. No. This feels like we're joining it the naughty way. It's a bit impromptu, isn't it? It's all bricks and gravel. It's not really been... It's not very anything.

There's some stairs on the other side. No, we're right here now. This is it. Right, here we are. And so, just like in that episode from years ago, we're back on the Parkland Walk. London's most linear walk. What?

BT Tower. And then to the left of it you can see the park where there used to be a whole cattle market, the Italianate Tower there. Oh, we've been there. Yeah, we've been there as well. That's what I mean. A long time ago now. And that's the capital building to the right there.

Do you see that? Yeah, no. So we're going to go this way now. Up this way. Yes. Absolutely this way. Oh, now I'm wearing my flip-flops and already I've got a little bit of grumbly stones and and gravel in my shoes.

It's not good is it? Are we okay to stay here? Yeah. You can go on the street level? No, don't be a fucking wank. Hey? Be a man. I love it.

That's what they say. Well, we're overlooking the train. Take a picture, take pictures, because you're going to have to be charging most of the pictures today, mate. As I say, we'll be pictures on our website and a short accompanying video diary. That won't be too extensive, but it's there. Certainly for the patrons, for those who follow us. So they're up that way, yeah, that's that out the wayaways. Look, the road bridge goes over the rail down there and we're on an old rail bridge that goes over that road.

We're like two layers up. Do you see what I mean? Multi-layered train travel system. I love this little spot. Do you know what I mean? It's hot again. Catch your breath. Catch your breath. I also drank Red Bull too fast and it went down the wrong hole.

It feels like I've just come out the swimming pool the wrong way. Well, that should give you some energy. Oh, cool sugar. and all the caffeine as well the heat is on the heat is on right okay cool we're on our way i think that's it was anything else we wanted to mention that we've done since they last heard us not much eh what's the time on the clock that's the timer because elize's keeping time oh that's a netterly way i hope there's not too many nettles on this walk what coming up for half an hour on the road oh it's not doing bad for time actually then how long did we estimate the whole

whole thing it's going to be something like 17 hours 17 hours give or take you know are we going to get a holiday in then halfway in hendon i bet we could get a holiday in in hendon yeah we probably could and anything happens stays in hendon what happens in hendon stays in hendon that is true for a really banal reason and that it's incredibly boring and uh impoverished in places also a holiday in if you're looking for an advertisement idea here's one for you you have a car pull up and it's got like a CGI AI'd Chevy Chase. And he had ding ding ding a young one. Like he looked in the national arm too.

Yeah, like the vacation. Okay. He goes, I will not long ago. And he pulls outside the hotel in. And he goes, hotel, holiday in. Holiday in. Holiday in. In.

Holiday in. And then Chevy Chase calls her person of color something offensive. and that's how the advert ends. How does that sell Holiday Inn apart from the song then? That's it really. It's all of but it's more than most advertisers do these days. Do you remember who sang that song? No.

It was a one-hit wonder sort of thing. It wasn't even a hit. It was just in that film that was a hit. I believe it was a low-key hit. Okay. Yeah, nothing to do with the Thor character, of course. Wasn't a hit in Britain. Definitely wasn't a hit in Britain.

No, that genre doesn't travel back then over here. That film, I think that film didn't really come across at the time. I couldn't tell you. I think it took a few years to actually come across. I think the first vacation I saw was when they showed European vacation on TV, a much lesser film. Much lesser. And also a nightmare to film, apparently, because of Chevy Chase.

Really? That's the anecdote you can tell to any story that involves Chevy Chase making a musical or TV show. Or movie. Oh, there's a bin. I can put me Red Bull in now. He's got any musicals? Has he done? a musical. No, you just listen. No, I have to think, has he been involved in a musical

in any way whatsoever? Was he in any of the musical episodes of community? Yes, he was actually. So, I mean, I guess that counts. They did a glee episode, a spoof, and he was in that, talk about baby booming. Right, I'm going to put this in the bin. And then should we join them again once we get up the hill to I gate? Yeah, once we get to the woods or we'll buy the bat place again, where the bats were. Remember the bats? That's in, yes, we're not going there end. We are. it takes us to this. We're going to get off there. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. So, yeah. Is that where this goes to? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Do you not remember all that? The back, the old tube tunnels with Batson, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So we might come to you back then because, as I say, we're back on the, uh, London's longest, London's longest linear park. You can walk in the day. You can walk in the dark. I wouldn't advise it. I wouldn't advise it either. London's like, park.

If you bring a dog, make sure it don't bark. We're going past the residence. Reservoir hill there. Reservoir here. Stop. Reservoir here. Paul and Eila on the road.

Oh, walking from walking to Harrow. Oh, Eli and Paul. Stop, please. Stop, please. This is fucking content.

Paul and Eli walking from Harrigan. I hate the word content. It's like if I do a big, and I mean big and girthy dropping in my toilet, and I take a picture, is that content? The contents of your bowl, yes. Yeah, but if I put up online for people to see, is that content? Yeah, everything is.

No, it's not. What is not content? When you're not broadcasting it, it's not content. So if you don't broadcast, you don't exist. Well, content doesn't exist. What content then? I don't, why do you keep pushing me on this? I hate you.

I can't fucking dick it. Right, let's take a break from recording. I just tried to put the camera in my bag and I put a stick of my mouth. It was nearly sick. Oh, look, we're in a tunnel on the Parkland Walk. I hope Eli doesn't get any ideas. Hey?

I don't. Remember you tried it on? I never did. You did. You were like, oh, Paul, we're in a love tunnel. Oh, no, we've got a capital room. Oh, yeah, we are on the, can you take a picture of this as well? ideally in focus if you wouldn't mind

and not grainy because you'd use weird digital zoom for everything which is weird that doesn't happen anymore the last time that complaint was relevant was at least two years ago so just leave it also you never brought that blanket to the show so we are Crouch End Hill on the Capital Ring

so Highgate Wooders a mile and a half away Harrow on the Hill 13 miles so it's a long walk mate that's it's there that's how long we've got 13 miles we're going to do the Capital Ring from here yeah yeah 13 miles so if we go five miles an hour it's a bit over two hours we go to five miles let's say half that so four hours maybe um Finnsbury Park is a mile

half away we've done that in about 50 minutes haven't we we didn't we didn't go from all the way from Finnsbury Park no no but we've done about the equivalent kind of walk we've done about mile so we've still got 13 more to go now that I've seen that sign I've been slightly put off by this now I would like to float an idea. Okay. If at any point, it gets too tough and we need to, like, cross busy highways to get back on it, I would like to suggest we at least get a, put the option out for a quick bus, a few

stops. Whether we do it or not, I'd like to float that idea. Okay. Well. But I know it defeats the purpose of the door-to-door walkabout, but that 13 miles did put the shit to something. Just, listen, just get your head down. Let's get to Highgate.

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Get a cross Highgate. We just got to put a shift in here. Once we get to round hendon, then we can start talking about our level of exhaustion. But it's just, it's ridiculous now, catastrophizing now.

Yes, of course we can get a bus, so I'm not going to stop us, am I? Just don't want you to be disappointed in me. I don't want you to look down on me. I already do. Oh, well, then I'd like you to look up to me every once in a while because, you know, you do owe me a lot, don't you? Oh, God, oh God. Now we're talking about everything.

We're not talking about this. I mean, I am. I'm not. Well, then you don't talk about it. You have no say in of what happens next. Eli's been a useless bag of shit for 11 years, barely putting in the time, barely putting in the energy,

complaining a lot about everything all the time. But every month, like clockwork, the only thing Eli remembers is to put his hands out and go, give me money. Give me money now. and I just wonder if it's really a friendship

I want or an income am I just dollar signs when he stares at me or like a loony tunes comic does he look at me

and I turn into a great big lollipop with the word sucker written on it hey that's what I think no I've not everyone's favourite

aspect of cheap show when you have a go at me go to me go on have a go to I don't know they don't like that either we'll have

all out of our system I'm not What don't you like about me? Fucking hell, where do I start? But anyway, I'm not going to. I'm not going to. I'm not like that. It doesn't help anything. Helps me.

Helps me considerably. To think we're still 30 miles away. Don't project your hatred of me just because you feel like you can't, you're not man enough to walk. No, I project my hatred onto you because you're like, you're the opposite of the Holly song.

You know, he ate heavy, he's my brother. He is heavy, but he's not my brother. You know, the road is long. With many winding turn. That leads us to... Everyone's second favourite bit when you sing. I think you'll find, mate. The bit they love the most is when you berate me endlessly.

And then sing. And then sing. It's everyone's favourite thing, Paul. So keep doing it. How about this? How about I berate you, via song. No, you've done that before.

Have I? I should do that again. Don't do it. I should do it again. Who's a little tosser in a shitty hat? It's Eli, it's Eli. It's Eli. You're going to be envious of my hat later on.

When you're crying and moaning, let's get the way late too, just a few stops. You can't. I hope I get on record. Eli's saying that later. I'm just saying I don't do hats. You think I'm going to be. You say to get the bus?

Yeah. I'm up for this. I uh no I just don't like hats I find them suffocating when I put them on it's like I got to get it off get it off get it off kind of thing it's hard to explain but they do come in very handy on hot days letters I'm sure but for me no it's the opposite for that it's uh I've got my whole short hair I've had a shave I can feel the breeze going through my hair that's nice it's not being choked I can only you wear a hat when it's cold and need I need my hat needs comfort like a sleeping bag. A beanie is a very comfy hat.

Yeah. If it's not too tight. No, I mean, beanies are one of the few hats I can get away with without looking like a fucking criminal. It's also to do with the way you look in hats. I mean, that is an other part of it, but it's not the most important part. Because anyone who looks at my dress then, so I know I don't really give a fuck about what I look like.

Oh, what's this bridge coming up now? This is a big old bridge, isn't it? It's got railings, mate. Yeah, I don't recognise this. Is this a new bit? The last time we were here, remember we saw that thing about that. the tree and they were going to pull it down but it would damage the bridge here right this is new isn't it yeah this is interesting well certainly from a cheap show history perspective yeah they've totally rebuilt this bridge i believe i mean this is the first time we've been back since i haven't

been back that often i've done little segments when i've been wandering around but uh usually just jump on for like you know a five minute stretch i don't usually do the whole but no i think you're right i think this could be newish nice looking Is someone going to turn around and say, you fucking idiots? It hasn't changed in 20 years and it's been like this. No, no. Weird. Weird, weird, weird, weird.

This was the bit where they were trying to save the trees. Yeah, because we sort of signed in. We did a whole shout out with the Haringay, Camden, whatever. They didn't manage to save much trees. But, you know, as they said, like the tree itself was damaging the bridge and could cause problems. So, yeah. So, yeah, I think this is. Oh, yeah, you can tell.

This isn't you? You're right. So that's handy. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, this was it. Because this is the bench we sat on. Remember because we had those horrible drinks.

We had them here. Yeah. It's quite handsome new bridge with green rails. I mean, you're going to have to take a picture, obviously. Because out of everything, people listening to this podcast, this is the big thing for them. This would be like the hashtagged story. Got a nice bench here. This looks reasonably new.

and the back of my shirt is absolutely soaked in sweat already I just leapt back on it and it was damp damp damp we taking a picture of the bridge yeah oh okay cool so yeah well we're seeing changes eli 200 odd episodes ago when we were last year it's fun in it I've got nothing more to It's not very... It's functional. It's functional. I'd hope for something a little bit more or... Ornate these days though.

Yeah, but they could. You can't afford or not. You know what I'm getting at? Yeah, no, I get it. I think it's just a choice of gate. That's the design of the railings, that is a bit boring. That's what I'm talking about, yeah. It's like, yeah, you could have done something a bit more...

It's a bit council estate. Yeah, want to a more country park vibe. And this is like, yeah, city park. Look at those blocks of stone, says are you like? says Eli. I'm just going to take a seat for two minutes. Do you honour? I'll be honest. You're done. You're done. 13 miles. Can I be honest? I don't know if I can make this journey without dropage at some point on the route. Oh my God, you've already been. I've been twice today. And I blame all the grapes I ate last night. I ate a lot of grapes.

Grapes are good for you? Yeah, but apparently you shouldn't really have more than a handful of day. Why? I can't remember, but it's bad if you have too many grapes in a day. Everything's fucking. They never Shut up about things. I know. Red wine's good for you, red wine's bad for you. Chocolate's good for you, chocolate's good for you, chocolate's bad for you. Everything's good. Everything's good.

It is the word that everyone hates to use, but it's true. Just moderation. Know your limits. Right, that PDA's done. PDA? Yeah, public service. Oh, PSA. PDA is public displays of affection.

Oh. Oh, there's been none of that. Hey, it's been on to that. Shut up. And there's no one around. No. No. Oh, come on.

Kissy. Oh. feeling all loved up and magical. No, I just want a minute to sit down and have a glass of drink of my water and then we'll crack on. All right, all right, we're going to crack on. Are we great? Because I don't seem to remember this being that quick, because this was really quick this year. Yeah, it's not that long, like you, we saw the sign. It was a mile to Highgate. We've reached it. Anyway, we're at the Batcave now at the far end. They used me the tunnel that went from a highgate under the ground and then would go you'd go to a

dali pali wouldn't it at that point yeah there was a whole sort of train yard abandoned here behind highgate station wasn't there so it's like a and they've turned the tunnels now into a a bat sanctuary or something that sanctuary yes and there's a man there i think he's on his phone i hope he's not uh waiting for a drug deal to go down but i'm just going to have a little look i know he's walking his dog which means there's going to be dog droppings and I don't see in a bag in his hand so I think he's thinking this is the perfect crime scum right yeah this is it this is where we were last time the tunnels let me just take a quick picture of Eli walking to the tunnels really is really is I remember I had the laser pointer thing last time didn't I oh

get some urbex around here well I mean there's no way there's no way to get in there without a fucking chubbsar or something or plasma cutters. No, as I say, it's a bat sanctuary at this end, isn't it? And the other end, I think, is a... Oh, that's right, that's with the bats, yeah. The other end's blocked off, so... On the other tunnel? Maybe you had a piss here last time?

We took it a wee, yeah? Yeah, Eli had a big piss. Right. Yeah, there's another... They're basically bricked off the entrances, and there's a little entrance... There's a little gate with a bats fly out. A piece of graffiti says it.

the Lurkers. Established 2012. Don't run. That'd be scary to see the middle of the night if you were here and you hear. Come out to play. The Lurkers. The Lurkers. Oh, it is chilly here though, isn't it? It's a weird, not weird. A cool, almost damp breeze. I don't know if the sunlight gets down there.

Right, we're going up past the Bougaloo. Yeah. We're going to go off the Bougaloo. You know, blah, blah, blah, that pub that inspired Simon Peggs, Sean of the Dead, blah, blah, blah. Otherwise, we have to walk up the hill. It's really steep. Let's just get onto the... Yeah.

Get into the woods there. Yeah. Just across the road from the Bugaloo in the 20th century furniture shop. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. Do you understand what I'm talking about, though? Yes.

I lived here for a while, for a good chunk of my life. I'm very well aware of the Highgate Wood area. All right. All right. Anyway, we promise we come to the tunnels and speak to the bats, and I went, like that. Are you feeling pleased now about the 13 miles we've got left to go? Nah.

No, I am. I think we've got about 11 miles left now. No, 12? I reckon just under 12 now. At least 12. And what's the clock say in terms of our walk? I reckon it's been about an hour and a half, something like that. No, I think it's been more like 55 minutes.

Really? No. No. That's not it. An hour and ten. Oh, an hour and ten? Acceptable. Still, though, isn't it?

Let's go take this back. You want to get the air. It's got the little route. It's going up a little worn path. A short cut that became a path. Nice little bit of rootage there to put your foot on. And here we go. We're coming out onto the main road.

After my divorce, my wife moved to that flat there. That's interesting, isn't it? He says in front of a complete fucking strange. who looked at me weird. That man looked at me all weird because I came out talking to the mic saying, oh, my wife, my ex-wife moved to that flat and he looked at me in the eye and gave me a shrug.

I wasn't talking to you, but I didn't say that. I thought it, because it happened five seconds. I got, fucking sake. Oh, a bit of steep of this bit, isn't it? So we just come out of the woods, while the parkland walk, and there's Bugler on the corner. Again, another stop we've done on Cheap Show a few times.

we were there for the Sean of the Dead Walk. We did. Oh yeah. And we met Paul Putner, who accompanied us for a small moment. Was that during that walk? Yeah, we met him at the pub member. And then we went down and we dropped them off at Archway. The Boogaloo's had a new mural on this side.

Oh, wow. Has it? Yeah, it's birds. Birdies. Parakeets or crows and a pigeon. I think there's all kinds of birds, actually. Is it? I think so.

God oh and they say some nights you can visit this pub and you'll see the ghost of Chris Martin ooh yeah charity shops here as well

some goodens there's one up there a one just here pet one right so here we are now we're going to join oh actually we've got to go up the road ah fuck sake yeah I forgot we got to go up this bit

Yeah, that fucking dude. What a dicket? What a dicker? What was his fucking face like? Fucking... If you weren't, wicked at me. He fucking looked like fucking shaking Stevens.

Look like shaking Stevens in person though. What an absolute tool. Like he gave me a fucking look just because I was talking into this. I was like, don't look and look at me, you quiffered prick. So this route, just so you know,

wants us to go down past the station that way. Yeah, let's do that. But no, we want to go to Archway Park at the corner because it will take a good 10 minutes off our walk if we do that. And we end up at the same place anyway. You go straight up and then we can get into the wood. From there, that's what we're going to do.

Because we're not going to be hard and fast with the walk. Jackson's Lane? Yeah. Did you ever perform in there? Close. We nearly did a back of the day, we nearly did a geekatorium there. Oh, really? Yeah.

But it fell through for various. logistical reasons. It's a theatre space here in Highgate. Obviously this is where we did our walk for Halloween that time. We went for the graveyard and we looked for the ghosts and shit. Yeah, that was a bit further down. No, but still, we're crossing paths.

We're crossing timelines, aren't we? Yes. There's a sign of the north part of the Parkland walk, but we won't be joining that. We're not keeping by the rules. We're not rule keepers on Cheap Show. You should know this by now. The grocery post.

Yeah. Oh lovely. Busy here. Yeah, no, this section has always been a busy junction. Right, we'll go. We're good. We're good.

Right. Okay, you don't need to hear this. So we're just going to walk up now past Archgate, Archgate. Archway, Highgate. Fucking hell. Yeah, cool. We're on our way.

We're on our way. We're on our way. For a bench here, in loving memory of Roy Coleman. What's you talking about? 1921 to 1999. He wasn't, the guy off different strokes wasn't called Roy. I think he was. I'm reasonably confident.

Right, we're in Highgate Wood still. We just had to sit down the bench, a smoke and a lovely, lovely ice coffee for me, Lai. Yeah, got the ice coffee. Tell us about your beans. They are some medium roast beans. I believe they're called Mysore, which is a place in India. And they're from the Algerian coffee shop on Old Compton Street in Soho. Great place, if you like.

coffee they're on the darker side of the roast right they're on the darker side of the roast but those are medium by their by their standards but they would be dark by a lot of people's standards and they have this a lot of beans which they call high roast which are super charred they're super black and oily you know yeah and that's the stuff i like that really like it really bitter yeah anyway it was nice coffee and just what i needed to quote the cars But how has that... What? How has the medicine been for the bowledge?

Well, here's my problem when you mix coffee and a packed-up bunghole. One gives way to the other at some point. And I honestly think, if I'm being honest with you, I'll make it through this walk without having to shit in the woods. We've come to the open field. It's basically a cricket pitch in the middle of Highgate Wood. I spent a lot of time here. A lot of time here in my youth.

There we go. Through here or around that. Yeah, through there. but I just need to put my foot up here. He's putting his foot up on a log. Good log, good action. There he is, doing his laces. I'm going to take a picture of this.

Adonis. What a fucking Adonis he is. It's really nice all of a sudden. So yeah. The bronze adonis. Smoked some opium over there. Is there anywhere in London, do you don't have a memory of smoking drugs somewhere?

Well, no. Right, are we going this way through the woods or the path? It's just opium, that's why it was notable. Right. My mate brought up. some opium back from somewhere. It's actually hard to get opium quite burned, burning, you know? That's why they used to, in all those, in the tintin novels and stuff.

What, tintin on you? They have to get it burning, then they put it in the pipe. There's a whole wriggle roll, isn't it? What, in tintin, there was opium? Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying there's not. Have you not read all the tintons? I haven't read all the tintin's.

I've read like three or four. There's a lot of plots involving drug trade. That's all opium. There's one called the opium eaters. Tintin and the opium eaters. Is there? Yes. I'll have to take your word for it.

He was like a spy kid, you know. He was like a... Oh yeah, it was all like, you know, sub-diffusion, spy work. And war and stuff, you know, it was all quite adult. I mean, you can see why Spielberg took a liking to that kind of stuff. Has that Saturday morning adventure vibe, doesn't it? Yeah. But there you go.

You've seen the Tintin movie? I have, it's all right for what it is. I think it would have been better if it'd been live action, but, you know... What's with that new one? The disclosure. Looks so boring. My partner went to say it was a big Spielberg fan and did not take to it. But it seems to have split people.

What does that mean? It's good luck. One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy. Five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret, never to be told. Oh, you've remembered that all of a sudden. Just came into my head.

I've got cobwebs on my face now. Well, at least they're not on your nuts. Well, I can't even vouch for that really at this point. Because almost two hours in, the chafe has begun the chafe is on yeah the chafe in the new bradley waltz quiz show

the chafe bradley walsh oh yeah because he does the chase and I was doing a gag about that called the chaf I hear you where you get sore balls

from thighs I hear you so I mean luckily I'm wearing tight boxes today so everything is kind of in its place I hear you so the chafing is mostly to the inner nut sack thigh area

whatever you want to call that yeah yeah yeah you know yeah I hear you Yeah, yeah. Right, so yeah, Highgate Park. We're walking to, is it Bridgegate or something? We decided, which takes us out onto a little suburban area, which takes us through Cherry Tree.

Yeah? Okay. It's on the other side of the cricket pitch. Yeah. Which I keep forgetting about, because I always lose myself in the woods. And then go, oh, yeah, there's a whole big field here. In the centre of Highgate Woods. Yeah.

Where cricket takes place. Yeah? I know it's got it all here. It's got one of those cricket shield things. Yeah, which, you know, I've played Aeroby up here, I've had picnics up here. Oh, someone's got one of those boomerangs. You see that?

Which ones? The Aereby ones? Yeah, did you see it? I know, it's a real boomerang. Yeah, it's a real boomerang. Here we go. He's been a fair again. He's flicking it. It's going in the air.

Ooh. Oh, got a bit of wind at the end there. You see that? Yeah. You could have got that. Problem is, part of me is going to hit my fucking face if I go. They're hard to catch it. That's cut across.

And that one, that guy in Mad Max 2 tried to catch it. and he got his fingers cut off, didn't he? There's a little highgate wood cricket nets if you want to practice your swing. Actually, let me just check. Yeah, we'll go around the back of it this way. See, there's a path there. Sweet.

And also, there's lots of big boys and kids and I don't want to cross them. I need a piss. So do you want to work up to that? Would you work up to it? Well, find a place that you are comfortable in having a piss. Just there, you know, within spitting distance. of a bunch of young people go for it actually that looks a place close enough to allow you to

we so i'll leave you to it cloistered enough yes you ran them into each other you said close enough close enough i am barry close enough welcome to the news oh there's a bonfirey thing there and a kind of stack of tree it's more like a witch's tent yeah something but there's loads of families out today enjoying the park when's the first day of school or is it? Schools out. There's a tent there. A proper tent.

Is it? Yeah, it's a tall tent. It's kind of the tent you use if it's a toilet or if you want to get changed. It looks like a toilet or changing tent. Yeah. If you ever went to latitude, you'd always see some fucking con with one of those tents

so they can use it just to get changed. Yeah, but they're the type who had a camper van. Blamping. I saw some pictures Robin Inns obviously doing latitude. Yeah, because I mean that's a festival built for him, isn't it really?

But he posted some pictures on Instagram. And I recognised, you know, the backstage that's that sort of road. Oh, yeah. All the backstage can thing is on. I recognised it. It's crazy. It's weird how you recognise a place. It's just some trees and a bit of ground.

You know what I mean? But you still recognise the structure. It looks very dry. Oh, mate. I mean... It looks all like white, yellow, the grass completely, you know. Even on the number of times we did latitude. It was pretty dry and hot on those occasions.

I remember green man being very muddy and... mulchew wet and horrible yeah but uh look the bat box h6 oh yeah i do cool i'm gonna take a picture of that bat box da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da oh i've got a text oh i was a bit frightened then in case it was one of those nasty messages but it's not it's just doctor saying the tests have come back and i should come in immediately because they keep coming in from new numbers He'd like to find another bench. Someone had a problem with this person's bench? No, I just think it's not been very well etched,

so it's faded because people have been lying on it over the years and rubbing up against it. You know, time erodes. Yeah. Don't it? Time erodes. It does. Right, I think. I haven't got any energy, Paul.

I'm all right, actually. I'm not feeling too bad right now. I think that sit down, a bit of water and a bit of a bit of, oh. Oh, I had a bum spasm for biting, down on it. Are we going to need to go in a pub and take your shit? I mean, I'm just going to, I'm just going to say it might be on the docket. Or get a few dock leaves.

Find a cozy place in the woods. I can see some dog leaves now. Yeah. I can see dark leaves over there right now. It's the favorite bit to get a lot. I could wipe my hairy ass with one leaf. I've taken a shit in the woods and ain't got no paper. I'm going to take a massive emergency shit in the woods.

It came out ruddy, I can't control the flow. Duh, da, ditt, da, lots of noise and smell, oh God, oh God, no. I've shat myself, shat myself! So you needed to work on subtlety. No, that's the fun. bit when I come in. It's not. I shut myself,

that's where we're like. All right, no, do they though? Because no one likes that. Because I am someone and I don't like it. Okay. That is logically defeated my argument there. Thank you. It's about time.

I win. Where are we now so? It's going to be... Where's all that? What's all that on that side? Is that like the train tracks or something? Oh yeah, you're right. Yeah.

It's going to be down here on the left. be down here on the left the gate we want to exit the woods past these logs we were saying pasties as in corner pasties oh god oh awesome your pants are falling down oh i don't know if i need a poo if it's just one big fart and it's not coming well oh this is something you should ascertain it's going to it's going to really ascertain ascertain it's going to really it's going to really affect my gait ascertain oh yes no I get it hey hey that I'm gonna shit my pants here it's down in the nook somewhere right it's down in the bottom of the valley floor down in the valley in a little nook

Paul I Paul and Eli read no book oh I did a little fuck no spiff spas gubble gobble down his back oh spliss spliff gobble gobble down his back oh spliss spliff Gobble, gobble down his back. Oh, splish, splash. Gobble, gobble, down, down, down, thush, de lie up in a bush. It. I'm very musical today.

And brilliant. I'm brilliant and musical. I thought it was here, but it isn't here. No, but we're not too far. Well, listen, look, I'm going to, let's shut up and check our map. And then we'll come back to our lovely audience a little bit. That's what I'm thinking, yeah. So let's just check it down.

Right, we're out the woods. We found Bridgegate. It took us over a bridge. that Eli hadn't seen before. I've never seen that exit from Highgate Wood before. I think I was expecting a different exit, which is the one which is down in a little sort of at the bottom of the valley.

You know that one? We've been up there before. But yeah, really good exit with a lovely alleyway and an old bridge. That must be part of the old rail infrastructure that bridge. I could only imagine, I don't know. But we've come out and we went down, what was it, Fordington Street,

and now we're heading into literally right away. Another little cherry tree. Oh, this is cherry tree, yeah. Yeah. So we go through these gates, and then we're into Cherry Tree, which is the park I used to know and love when I lived in East Finchley for the best part of a decade. No, it is just here. Indigo Walk. Capital Ring. This way, there's a sticker. No electric scooters.

And here we are. Welcome to Cherry Tree Wood. This is a locked park. There's a sign and everything. Yeah. Cool. There's a toilet here. There is. But it might be Mankoff. Well, you're only going for a wee-wee, aren't you? It might be Edward D. Mankovitz who wrote Citizen Kane.

What? Are you fucking talking about? Was he called Manky or something? Mankovitz. What was that film with... Mank, it was called. The Fincher movie about the making of... Because wasn't Finch's like relative involved

with the writing of it and that's why he made it or something, I don't know. Oh no, his dad wrote a script about the right guy who wrote Citizen Kane and then that was to... Yeah, toilets and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, sorry. There's a little calf. So do you want to go wee-wee-wee-wee?

Actually, yeah, I had to take a break here as well. Sweet. I'm going to leave Eli to urinating peace for anyone out there who's desperate for more urine treats and tricks. That ain't happening. Simply because, you know, it was funny for a while and then it kind of got boring. So I'm going to stop doing that unless it's really funny and I can do it. Anyway, in Cherry Tree, where I used to live. Oh no, East Finchley, but the park was close.

I've talked about this before, so again, nice to be back. This journey takes us across all sorts of memories in our history and past. I might get an ice cream from the cafe there, because that'd be quite nice, wouldn't it? Right, shut up, Paul. Right, we have a quick sit down in Cherry Tree Park. I'm about to leave now and head towards each Finchley station. Jesus wept, mate.

Sorry. You fucking grotesque, pointlessly grotesque beast. Come on, mate, we've all burbed. No, but not like that, like, violently, exaggeratedly, unnecessarily, allowed that it needed to be. It came upon me. I just took a... I'm a human, Paul. You're not human. I've yet to see conclusive proof that you're 100% human, and not like at least 10% dog.

It's just a trick of the light in loving memory of Joe Hogan. I don't know who that is, and I don't know why it's just a trick of the light is the quote. Maybe it's just the funny thing Joe Hogan said to someone every night. now and then. I think it's... You know, have you put on weight and he'd say, nah, just a trick of the light,

you know, that kind of thing. I think it's... Yeah. Well, maybe he had something to do with his career or something. Maybe he was a magician or... A photographer. Photographer, yeah.

Or into optical illusions. Right, what are you doing? Nothing. Well, get up then? I'm almost ready. Just give me a... Eli went for a wee. Eli went to pee.

He peed in cherry tree forest. He had a little wee. And mate... Do you know what I really? hate about taking a piss in shorts, you feel the splash on your legs from your urine. The last splash must be there all the time. It is all the time, but you don't realize. That means every man's trousers legs are covered in little flex of their urine. I mean, it depends on the toilet you pee into, but like those ones are those ceramic walls,

aren't they? And splash more. Like a little urinal isn't probably too bad. It's an unsettling feeling, having your shins speckled with your own pee-pee. And maybe the odd splash of someone else's from the pulled pee on the floor. Well, I didn't think that far ahead. I think. I think that. Did you see the little drawing someone made of a nude lady on the toilet wall? Yeah. Did you take a picture? Yeah.

Good. Send me it. Be on our website. I didn't take a picture. Was it wank worthy? Nah, mate. And I can wank to nearly anything. If I see a certain knee in a position of a lady, I'll be like, oh, you're dirty knees. Dirty knees. What am I going to do this? I have to decant the rest of my Diet Coke into my mask. We'll do that then.

Okay. Well, that's what I'm going to do. God, you're such a dawdler, though. literally two minutes ago. You ready to go, mate? You ready to go? Come on, then. I am a daughter. And then...

So, we're all flawed in different ways, Paul. Yeah, well... We're all flawed in different ways. You more than most. Again, we wanted the fan favour. It's just because you're so hypocritical when it comes to, like, motivation. You'll be like, Paul, come on.

Pull your finger out running late. All right, then I turn this all on. And then you turn around and go, alright, give five a minute. I just want to do this. And then do that. And then make a fucking drama out of a crisis. Oh, he's fucking poured this thing into his flask and his phone's going off.

Isn't he popular? Isn't he popular? God, it won't stop. It's just your fucking mates complaining about things to you that you then tell me and I have no interest. Jesus, Paul. I'm just saying, hate your friends. Like that. I don't even have any friends.

That's the worst thing. That's the worst thing. I have you. And that's it. Everyone else is just people I work with and smile at me. And your partner? Oh, no, obviously I'm a partner. But you know what I mean?

There's a difference there. There's not someone I can go to who isn't her to talk about my feelings. You talk about your feelings to me? I don't want to. Why are you making this so confessional today? I don't know. I feel the dawn of 500 weighing on me. And we're walking past so many areas.

And obviously, this place was like where I might have been my most miserable. and yet at the same time this was a sanctuary to me. It was a solace. Yeah. So I don't know. It makes me, I don't know. I wish I had mates. I wish I had a social life.

Oh, come on. I wish, you know what? I wish it was a little bit taller. I wish it was a baller. I wish I had a girl, if I did, I would call her. I wish I had a rabbit with a back and a hat. A six point in parlour. They're the things I want.

Is that what the lyric is? Yeah, a car. Something like that. Close enough, anyway. Shallow, man. Ski-low. Well, it's a joke. song in it. That was the only hit you had.

Yeah, good song though. Fucking textbook 90s, West Coast, LA jam, G-funk kind of thing. It's fucking great. It's a hip-hop one pop hip-hop. Yeah, but you know Some people don't even get that. Some people don't even have that as a legacy and I think that's a fucking great track.

Yeah. I find it, it annoys me now. Really? Yeah. I find it's never played on the radio enough. It's basically a novelty song, isn't it? Really. No. Yeah. Why? I was taller because it's a joke. You're just angry because it's about you. You relate to it. I don't, I don't wish that anymore. You do. I don't. I bet you wish you were a little bit taller. I would get my leg split, wouldn't I? I'd go to China and get

my leg split. Wouldn't I? No, you could just imagine being taller. I don't. Would you ever consider that surgery? Never. Having your legs snapped? Never. In your femur or whatever it is. Yeah, never. I would never would. You see, I don't care. What do they put in the gap that they break? They just put metal and to tie it all together like Mechano. Yeah. Basically, you never regain the Of course you don't. The stable, the sturded, you know, the structure. I think that would psychologically fuck me up. So you're taller, yeah, great, you're taller.

But you're less able to, like, perform anything physically or walk. See, that's what would get to me, knowing in my head that in my legs there is a gap. Yeah. And they can snap, well easy. And you're like, we're talking about six months of, like, regenerative therapy. In bed. Fucking crazy. No, not for me.

To be that hung up on. being tall, you know? For some people, it's, you know, what they need, ironically, psychologically, to get through the rest of their life, maybe, you know? But that's what I'm saying. I've come to terms. I'm not like skiler, I don't wish I was taller.

No, you're just skeevy. I may be skeevy, but at least I'm happy with who I am physically. At least he's not a little bit taller. At least he's not a baller. At least he's happy with who he is. Now, sometimes I wish I was a baller. That's what you wish you were a baller.

Oh, mate, we all wish we were ballers. Don't we? Great term, isn't it? Yeah. It's like a player, isn't it? Yeah, but it's like in the 90s when everyone said, oh, you're so money. It's that kind of thing, isn't it?

You're so money. What's that from? Swingers. Yeah. Yeah. Man, you're so money. Here we are. Anyway, so we're leaving Cherry Tree,

and as we come out, we'll be facing East Finchley Road and then East Finchley Station. Yeah. Is that really the route then, left and then down the bishops, Avenue? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you sure? Are you sure to check again, But honestly, that was one of the things I remember most because I was like, oh, it takes us that way. Okay. You know, it was a triggering memory. We have a little look here. Yes, tell you what, just to keep Eli happy. I'm going to pull out, because we've been using the GoJointly app today to do this route because it has walks all over the place.

And so we have picked the Conquer the Capital Ring go jointly thing. We're going backwards. But we're going backwards because, yeah, we're going 12 to 10. And I think now, no, we're in 11 now, aren't we? we must be yeah we're in section 11 right now so yeah yeah so we're on stage obviously going backwards we're on stage i've got my glasses on 47 so yeah look see we go along there through the station uh what oh yeah yeah and then we go down to what's that say the institute art center yeah so we're walking along there and then down that alleyway again and then there there there

in fact i think we've go past that fucking house they filmed shorn the dead whereas mum lives but anyway that's the route we're going straight to the station down a little alleyway up a bit down that long alley we go right at past the station no yeah up the hill a bit you'll recognize when we get to it because we did that walk for the Sean of the Dead walk that's the way is it okay that's the way cool so the route the dead walk yeah see it's funny how this walk has overlapped so many of our previous and this is something we've wanted to do for a while and funnily enough now that we're getting to do it at 500 kind of feels celebratory Cool. I'm just saying. Right, okay, well, we're out the park and we're heading across the road.

So, join us a little bit later. I think you can join us a little bit later. He stopped. Right, good. That's what he does sometimes. Rio Cinema celebrates 50 years for the people by the people. I don't know what that is. Right, shut up. What are you doing? What are you doing? You're stopping to answer more messages? Hey? Did I say you could? Did I say you could answer phone messages

from your friends? Right, you're being docked money. How about that? Yeah, that fucking woke you up, didn't you? The minute I fucking take away your pennies. When you're with me, it's cheap show time. Oh my God, shut up. And you do cheap show.

I don't want to hear from your friends. I don't want to hear their anecdotes. Just jealous. Yeah, I am. And I'm using my power to stamp down on your social... Oh God, yeah. This is meant to be housing and now it's Tesco Express.

Well, I think it's both, isn't it? It's got the Tesco in the bottom. Yeah. Hello, Lee's Finchley. It's a bit shitty looking. There's the McDonald's HQ. Is it still? Yeah.

I believe so. Look, you can see the M. Yeah. You can see quite a discreet M on the door there. They used to have like a whole sign. Maybe you just talk into the microphone. They used to have a restaurant here, I'm sure, didn't they? Oh, I couldn't tell you that.

Certainly not while I was here. Did they ever have one? And I was here since about 2004 to 2014. Is this the headquarters of McDonald's UK? I think so, yeah. That's probably where they came up with the Philly Cheese stack behind those doors somewhere. That's where the magic happened.

That's where the McDonald's boffins. That's where the generals in the sauce war are currently. We should march in and demand our say in the source war. What's our say? That we get to decide sources for McDonald's. Imagine if we could be our power of source. Oh my God. There'd be big changes around there.

We'd sweeping changes. they'd have an actual hot sauce. A good one. Yeah. With bite. We're going this way. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Nice. This is what I was saying, this is why I was like... It's a nice room. It's nice and cool in here as well. A lot of people's favourite station. I believe Jerry Seinfeld. No, not Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

No, the other Jerry, the one who did the chat show. No, not that Jerry. Jerry and the Pace Makers. Jerry Springer. He used to live or was born. around here during the Second World War or something. He was, wasn't he? Yeah.

It's a lovely station. I love the tidings. It's beautiful. It is, but again, in times with me, those early hours going to attempt if I fucking ate it back of the day. It reminds you that.

Here we're at the back, the other entrance. And we were here for an episode ages ago as well. We've been here once or twice, but definitely for the show with the dead one. Yeah, but before that.

I can't remember. Right, we're going, no, we're not, uh, wait. Oh wait. I think we go up and then over. Yeah, we do go up this way and not that way. Yeah, otherwise we'll go back to the main road and that's daft. But it says the Bishops Avenue is that way. This is why I was confused. Yeah, I can understand that. You didn't mean the Bishops Avenue. No, we're walking along it.

Up to Dean's way, yeah. We're basically walking along it, but from the other side of it. But I was giving you the Bishops Avenue as a kind of directional cue of... Oh, fine, whatever. But we're still on the ring, because they just saw a sign there that said ring. And there's a sign. We're going to take a left just here, right? I can see a capital ring sign there. I think it was a Christmas walk.

We also came along here, maybe, once. I don't know. Either way. Yeah. Right, okay, I'm going to put a bow on this and we'll come back to them and we found another note for place to report from. I can congratulate you, Paul, on what?

You haven't said, seeing a bit. Oh, mate, I've had, oh, you have no idea. You have no idea how close I've been to say in that. So I'm very thankful. Oh, here we go. Yeah, I'll see it a bit. After wandering through the... What's this area?

Well, it's sort of the other side of... It's not the Hampstead suburbs or whatever you call it, though. It's close to the Hampstead Garden suburbs. It's just up there. It's basically part of the same neighbourhood, but not officially part of that development. Not a socialist housing thing. No.

We came down Vivian Way. It's basically on the other side of East Finchley Station. Yeah. And then we've come through this. We're on the ring. This is towards Bishops, Woods, bowling club but it takes us to whatever this field's called again. But I love this little kind of magic garden type approach.

It's like between two hours, this alleyway. And then it opened up into this big field ahead of us. And it's inviting. Yeah. It really is, isn't it? Yeah. A lovely oak tree here at the entrance. What I like is, like, you go to Hampstead Heath, it's mobbed.

You know, you go to the Hyde Park. It's mobbed. You can just go, like, half an hour in the bus and get here. And it's completely empty. And it's huge. Huge. Look at this. It's beautiful.

Yeah. What is this park called? It's so good for Eribe as well. Bishops Wood? Maybe it's Bishops Wood. It must be Bishops Wood. Open your Google Maps and then just have a look. But yeah, Christ, there's no one here, and it's expansive.

And what's that building over there? It looks all old, like the fucking, like the prisoner. Is that? I don't know what that is. I think that's, I don't know. That's Hampstor Garden Suburbs. But what's that big manor house with almost kind of? No, it's a church, right at the top.

Do you remember there's all. Yeah, but it looks very antebellan that building. The way it's got the kind of fake pillars and the arched fronts and stuff. You know, very kind of original haunted mansion design. I just never noticed it before. I find it interesting. But this, funnily enough, was where we ended up recording episode 4.50. This little patch of land.

I think we're over there. We've come in from a different way. There's, yeah, there's the bowling club. Lovely. Yeah, that is house in the garden suburbs. It is. But watch that big building, though, do you know? It's the church.

That does not like a church. Oh, no. No, I forgot. I was going to say, wasn't it like a boys' school? Then it was closed down and became a thing, isn't it, that building? No, there's a bunch of... Hang on, don't go walk away and talk. I can't...

There's a bunch of church buildings up there. Anyway, I can't find out what this park is called. But there is a brook. And do you know what the brook's called here? The Matten Brook. Oh! You should dress it up like lamb. I don't know why I thought that was funny.

I'm going to press the button. This is... Littleton playing fields. Just so as you know. Oh there's another big park over there. Oh no that's a hamster Heath extension over that way but we're not going that way unfortunately we're walking away. The first quest we ended up there. You remember when after walking down the hole of the Dollis Brook? We played the Jenga. That's where we played the Jenga on the other side of that yeah. There's a couple of crows out here there's a big field here at Littleton wreck. What?

Look at those crows with their mouths open. It's hot. You think that's right? I would say so. They're panting like a dog. Must be, huh? Oh, I hope they find a puddle. I hope they find a puddle.

They're smart. Oh yeah, no, crows are smart enough. They could peck our eyes out and feast on its juicy innards. I hope they don't have that idea. You never know, do you? Oh, we should... What? I'll take a quick picture of this expansive field.

It's great. Get you in. Yeah, look at that. There's some crows. Yeah, there's no one here. I mean, there's few people, obviously, around the fringes. But, like, the field, I mean, maybe it's because everyone's like, I'm not going to sit out in the fucking middle of this.

In the heat. It's fine. I mean, that, oh dear. I mean, that guy who's bent forward double with two walking sticks walking, I'd be like, on a day like this, mate, fucking fair play. Yeah. Yeah. That's going to be us. Episode 3,000.

Actually, we would never live to see 3,000. would we? It'd be done by our kids. The cheap, the kids we don't have. 3,000, so, Cheap show, divided by 52? It's not going to happen. I think we'd have to live. Divided by 50, let's say. Yeah. It's, um, 50 into 1,000 is, uh, 20. Yeah, so 20 years.

20, no, 20 times. Oh yeah, we're not going to be alive. 20 times. Mate, we're not going to be alive for it. Did you say 3,000? Yeah. 20 times three? 60 years? We're not going to be alive in 60 years.

I'm sorry. Even with the advancements of... In medical science, you don't know. I know, but... We might all be immortal living on Mars. Right, let's just say the bodies we have now will not be around in 60 years. Can we at least agree on that?

I'm not going to agree on anything. I'm not... I mean, someone could run every single episode of Cheap Show through AI and then just carry on making episodes after we're gone. I think it's already going on. Mate, do you see this track? Do you want to do 100 metre run or whatever?

is. That is 100 metres. Do you want to do it? I'm not doing it now. I'm happy to do it. Look, you've been saying it for fucking 10 years that you would rinse it.

Why not? Now's it's got a time as any. We're never going to get any fitter than this, right? No. I want a proper race that is prepared. I'm not just going to do it. What do you mean by prepared? We don't even know that's exactly 100 metres.

We have no idea. And no one to adjudicate it. There's no way I'm doing it, Paul. Just... This reeks of change me mind. because you're definitely going to beat me. No. Because I do think I would beat you.

Let's get a date and a location. Right now, right here. Right here, right now. Look, this has to be 100 meters, just by lieu of it's been drawn on the floor. Do they draw 50 meters? I'm not doing it. You'll cheat.

I hate you. I could set a thing on my phone that goes, beep, beep, beep, and then you shoot off. No. And we end here. And I could stick the 360 camera right here and cross the finishing line. Need someone to do.

I haven't got the right shoes. Neither do you. Bear thought it. No way. You fucking big baby coward. Fucking... Fine. Every other year.

Oh, I'll ace you in it. Here we go. We got a fucking track. Right. It's printed. Next week. Here. Yeah?

No, next week is not going to happen because I've got a ton of work and working, aren't I, during the day? Now's the time. I've got an inhaler with me so I won't die. So we've got that going for us.

It's content as well. How about a short run? I'm not doing a run. If you want to have a run, it's fine. I've saved my. energy. We've got miles to go.

Paul, we've got miles to go here. I think this conclusively reveals that I would beat you. I'm ready to go right now. I'm ready to go and be beaten by you right now just to fucking close the book on this. I'm not closing the book on it. It's fine. I'm not doing it with no adjudication.

I'm sorry. Oh dear. So you can't possibly do this until we find a third person. We need a third person to fire a gun and then run to the other end before us to make sure. Make sure no one... Or two other people.

I just think this is excuses. We were going to have sports day, weren't me? Looks like excuses to me. We were going to have sports day. Yeah, but I'll forego all that. Forgo all that. No, I'm not going to forego all that. I want to beat you in a race right now

because we could have. We could have. I'm not doing it. We have to keep on with the bloody walks. Something says a knob. I'm not being a knob. Why you haven't got any friends? This is why you don't have any friends.

There's loads of reasons why I don't have fucking friends, mate. Loads. Go on Liston. Anti-social. don't like being in groups. I get mentally tired after talking with people for a long fucking time, except for this when I seem to go into Paul Gannon podcast mode. You know?

Anything else? Hate people. Yeah. People rub me up the wrong way. Can't form conversations without things that interest me being the forward momentum of that discussion. Now we're seeing. Now we're end- See, this is the thing about me.

I'm happy to be confessional and put myself out there. So am I? Yeah, you're not. You won't do a race with me after fucking complaining for years that you could do it. Fine. Do you think what you like, Paul? I do. You think what you like? I'm trying to save this fucking episode, is what I'm trying to do.

How are you saving anything? Because we've got to get a shift going here. We all have a little run. Oh, jog. Should we jog now? Come on. I just wanted them go away. No, it's all right.

I just wanted you to go away for a bit. So I get mine. Right, we're leaving the park. One of our... How many parks have we crossed through now? Four? I like this sign. Oh, yeah.

It's got homes for bees in it. And... Habitat. There's a little flying bug in there. There's a flying ant. What's happening? There's a flying ant. Do you have you noticed it hasn't been an ant day

last couple of years? Like midges and stuff? No, there's a, every year there's like flying ant day. Do you remember? I don't remember being on the calendars. No, it's not on the calendar. It's just a day where everyone goes, oh my God, there's loads of flying ants.

I don't think I've seen a flying out in 10 years. Exactly. Yeah, what happened to them. Right, we are at the gate. I need to check where we go next now because I'm not quite sure if we go left, right or whatever. So hang on. Let's stop walking until I've had a look.

All right, we'll get to the gate at least. Keep opening up the GeoCash fucking thing because it's the exact same colour and shape as my Go Jointly app. Right, we're on stage, Section 11, heading towards 10. Oh, yeah, we're halfway through this now, so I would say we're halfway through.

Does it say left? Yeah. I think, yeah, because we're going to join Mutton Brook. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're doing this. Let's join Mutton Brook. Yeah, no, it's nice. We're going to cross the Mattenbrook.

Oh, I know where we are. This is where all those little cuffs and stuff are as you go towards Golders Green. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wait, no. We need to be on the other side of it because that's strictly speaking, the thing. That's nice, isn't it? Once again, Paul and Eli found ourselves walking along a brook. or a stream or a river or a canal. This has got a bit of everything this walk, hasn't it?

Except no games and food because, you know, could not be fucked for doing that this timeout. Hope you don't mind. But here we go, yeah, here's the, here's Mutton Brook. I mean, I presume it's based on a, oh, hang on, we're going to have to come off this at some point and head on to another main road. No, no, it's all good. And then, yeah, there's the, we head towards, I mean, you know what? I don't know why I'm complaining, there's probably going to be some good signage. We've been all right so far.

The signage is good for the... This is very pretty, isn't it? It's great round here, yeah. Lovely. What's really nice is the brook has been culverted and it's got walled... Brick... brick... Brick banks. Yeah.

Lovely. Pants will keep falling down and showing me undies off. I'm like one of those youths. That's fantastic. I don't think I've ever walked down this bit. No. We did... When we did the original Dollis Brook quest, we did come round these parts.

Did we walk up here? This going this way? No, because the other way took us to the Hampstvi-Hath extension. That's much further south and behind us, basically. It's a really lovely little landscape park with the mutton brook going through the centre of it. Right, well, we're just going to carry on walking then. So we will come back to you at another point of interest. Until then, sound effect.

Unless as I'm editing this, it's not appropriate to put a sound effect in, in which case it will just fade out and fade into the next bit. So I'm covering the bases. Didn't need to say that either. So, on our route, another little mark has gone by we've just crossed our first Garon's Golden Quest area this is a little wood

yeah should we join it are we going down here? No are you sure we don't go anywhere near this because we need to There's a little pathway down here No but where we're going is across Right the other side of the big right Yeah we need to cross the north circular But we were coming in from the opposite direction

last time when we did Golden Quest because we went on that side Along past the suburbs towards Little Wood and onto the extension. Down there? On that side of it, yeah? Yeah.

Remember you had your roller skates on and I tried to push you down a big hill. I fell over. No, you didn't. Just try and push me? Yeah. I did fall over on the video bit. Yeah, but that had nothing to do with me.

No. It's just the one I wanted you to fall over. I didn't record. But yeah, so we were coming up from the other direction from up that way. That's right, yeah. So, yeah, we're crossing paths of yet another walkabout episode.

It wasn't intentional, but I've loved the way this is actually kind of become a document of our walks have passed. It really has. Apart from the south walks we've done. Yes. But it brought to mind this, the culverted rivers with the little parks built on either side. It's very like that walk we did. I can't remember the name of the river, but the one for the safari of the characters. Oh yeah, that was south of the river, wasn't it, though?

Yes. Down, we started in Catford, didn't we? Yeah. Oh, see, we're here. House with the land. David Bowie lived there or something you said. I want to check this out at some stage. What?

You see this new build thing here. It's that whole row of houses and they're kind of... It's been there for a while, I think. Yeah, but it's new and it's quite famous because they've done a... It's very modern, but look, do you see all those units? And they'd like a... Yeah.

It's called. Oh, that's a cafe, sorry. No, that's what the row's called. I don't know. Yeah. Hyde and teak, no, that's no, it's a furniture shop. I literally just said that. It's a store, cafe.

Yeah. Well, it might be a cafe. I don't know. Teak, what, you buy a teak and chips, yeah? It might be pizza, fire, fire grilled pizza. Wouldn't use teak to make pizza, mate. It's like poshwood. It's furniture.

It says, maybe it's a cafe. Vintage, uh, cafe and, uh, food and drink and pizza, fire, flame pizza. Oh. Definitely what it says. No. doesn't it says vintage furniture and shit but you know you went back yeah well you buy it real quick Brent cross Henley so now I think we need to cross here and across or maybe further up hang on let me get the phone now

because we are going to have to cross a few roads now I think to get onto the rest of the circular see these new builds are nice and that why take a picture of that yeah because I don't want to hear all these windows going onto the road but then there's a road on the other side where all the entrances are so they it's well designed in terms of this very busy north circular road here wait where are we okay we're already okay we're already on where we need to go so yeah we just need to cross this road ahead of us and then stay on uh mutton brook not to cross here not crossing no no we go straight on and then we cross at the junction there's a don henley there's a lovely modernist

concrete church here and this is finchley so do you remember you remember that you remember the ghost hunt we did. Yeah. If you take a right up here and go up for like 20 minutes up that way, that's where that is. That's where Finchley House was, yeah. Again, another episode. If anything, that episode's quite important in terms of it led to night busing. Because that end episode ended with us getting a bus back to yours at like, what was it? Like two in the morning, three in the morning. It was four, I think it was three. Either way. Yeah. Well, that's where we came up with the idea for doing a spin-off series for Patreon, where we get a bunch of night buses and hope we don't get beaten up. Nightbussing everybody.

Open to our head patrons at any level. Yeah, it's an all-tier's one. And actually I've decided for August, because it's our 500th episode, all content will be for all tiers in August, I've decided. So top-tier video, crap book, and the video for this, all top-tier. But just for them?

Yeah, just for patrons, but all patrons will get access to all the content we would release in a month. Yeah, but only for that period. Only for August to celebrate 500. Okay. You know, because it might encourage people who don't do top tier to see in one of those episodes and go, oh, maybe.

See what they're missing. Yeah. Because we do, you know, slightly more like cheap show visual-focused content for that, those videos. That's the modernist church I'm talking about. Yeah. It's quite striking. So look, see, we came from that direction last time when we followed the Dollis, Brooke, for the thing. Because it ended up there.

No, we came down here. Yeah, I know. I'm saying we came from that direction. Or that direction. I can't fucking remember now. You know, it was that direction. Oh no, it was that? Was it that direction?

Should we stop saying that direction? That direction. Noisy, though. Yeah, it's this side, because the brooks this side. We were this side. It came down there. Okay, yeah. So we are crossing that then?

Yeah. Oh, crossing streams again. You're basically overlapping that part of that. Oh, yeah. Literally we go right up to the Doris Brook. Yes, that's right. Oh, fucking hell. Oh, this is a lovely happenstance.

We're also going towards Brent Cross. I don't want to alarm you, poor. We're going via it and not through it. It's a sign Brent Cross this way. We're going straight up there. Abandon all hope, ye who go there. It's what it fucking needs to say. So wicked.

We get to go past the place where you did your roller skating. That's right. That we already have. And we got a hot salt beef sandwich or whatever. That's up there. Then we went and did that. See look, Dollis Valley Greenwood. Yes.

We did that. North to Moat Mount Mount. Did we ever go to Moat Mount? Little and Big Wood, yes. Yeah. And then we're still on the ring. We could have gone that way actually realising now. Yes. But doesn't matter. Doesn't really matter. Yeah. Yeah. We're literally going to, I just cross it, you know. Right. Egg London. What do you think that means? House of Silk. Are these things well attended? Because you see these all the time. These raves. Non-descript rave posters. It's like a date, a venue and then all these people I don't know. Egg is, there's a few remaining all night. There's an argument going on with a bus. driver or a woman oh his door was her door wasn't closed properly was

open her that's nice oh oh god the baby would have fell out and then fell under the wheels of a bus and then pop like a watermelon that wouldn't be good spraying its viscera here we go yes dollis valley green walk north to moat mount via winds open space yes it is also the capital ring so they overlap here yes here we go i didn't know we'd Yeah. Again, this is where you did your roller skating thing as well. This side, just a little bit further up. Yeah, I think you're right. Around the bend. But here we are. Back on the Dollis Walk, Walk, Walk. How lovely. Yeah, it's nice around here as well.

Yeah, it's nice. And this is also shaded. Although it does have some stink pipes. And I seem to remember us going, oh, doesn't it smell a bit like shit round here? Well, we don't know if we're going to, because when do we come off this now? We do have to come off this. This, we follow now all the way to the Dollisbrook and then take a sharp left and follow it along. Because last time we came off, the Dollisbrook to finish this walk

to the Hampstead Heath extension. That's right. Because our goal was the extension and not the walk itself, if that makes sense. Here's the Dollisbrook. Yeah. No, this is still mutton. Why is it?

No, it is. It is because I just checked it now. Why does it say Dollis Brook walk? Look, see. Because the Dollis Brook, hang on. See, mutton. That is mutton. And then it goes up all the way here and then it becomes Dollis across the top.

Okay. Speaking of mutton. He's jumping. Oh, there's a branch come down. I wonder if that's Vandals or the nature. It's probably Vandals in it. Some cunt kid climbed it probably. Oh, God, stop sound like an old man.

Well, I am an old man now, isn't it? That's not sobering. When we started this podcast, I was like in my 30s and I still had this sense of, I'm still young. And then 10 years later, I'm like, pro. I'm watching 50 and you're over 50. But in my head, I don't feel my age. Well, that's what a lot of old people say is the deal with being old.

Is you don't ever feel like you're older than about 25 or whatever, you know, when you were, unless you start getting dementia and stuff. Yeah, which is unlikely with me. But it's kind of weird to have this whole sense of, if your body betrays you in the end, not really your mind, unless you really, you know, your mind does go first, but you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't feel 47.

No, because you become an adult. And then once you become an adult, you're just an adult, you know. The brain stops actually developing in your 20s, doesn't it? In your mid-20s? I guess. I don't know. I think. Does that mean you're locked into what kind of person you are at that point then? Yes.

That's what they say. That's sobering, isn't it? I like to still think there's room for improvement with old Gannon. Never let me close the doors on education and learning and exploring and being. Oh yeah, here's where we did you little. That's right. Just around the corner here. And there's the wellhead where we sat down.

For a brief moment. It was hot that day as well, wasn't it, actually? Yes. Not as hot as it is today. Not as hot as it is today, you know. Thank fuck. No, not thank fuck. Fuck, thank.

Fuck, thank. Yeah, just here on this corner where it kind of scoops and goes up. Right, well. We're going to reminisce upon this route and then join the Dollars. And then we're, yeah, hend and bound, aren't we? Yeah, we've still got ages to go, mate. But we're more than halfway on the journey. Are we?

Yeah. We're more than halfway on this segment. And we've got one more segment to go after this. So I think once we get to, well, I think like near Brent Cross. It stretches out. We're doing all right. Honestly, I think we're making really good time. It's half four now.

We left at one. So it's taking three and a half hours to get from yours to here. Not bad. Okay. I don't think so. Okay. All right. I need to take some fluids on.

Also, I need to have a drink. Come gag here. Come gag here. Come gag or piss gag. I had a piss gag once. Just like a weird mask on my face and a man. Someone would piss down a pipe. That would go down the piping into my mask.

And I had to guzzle it down. Pedestrian priority, Paul. What does that mean? It means if you're cycling, slow down. You can't. For the people who are walking. Remember there was a fire. when we came down here before.

There was a fire on the other side. It smelled. It smells like burning wreckage. Someone was burning, yeah, their wreckage. Yeah, here it is. This is exactly where you did it, just on this corner here. Because you swung round, grabbed the little prize,

did a little cartwheel. A little challenge here. Yeah, and did it with a plum. And a peach and also a mango. Yeah, we got it. Right, let's carry our walking. That's exciting, there's a film crew filming something at a house.

Do you think it's a midsummer murder or a... Oh, yeah. Or do you think it's a casualty or something? Could be anything, really, couldn't it? But they've got big... It looks like a reasonably sized production, the size of the lighting rig they've got there, right? I think they're meant to be faking it's night time or something

because all the windows are closed. No, that's what they do, even if it's daytime. Really? Just they can control the lighting. So they can control it, yeah. Oh, all the magic of cinema, right? And TV. Yeah, because that's a powerful light.

That's going to be a daylight. Yeah, yeah. Just look out of it. the size of that light. Take a little photo of it. Oh yeah, take a photo of it so people who want to go to our website can see pictures.

Or they might be on our Instagram, just for balance. Instagram and cheap show. Update them and what happened. We went through Brent Park. Was it called Brent Park? Yeah, that's Brent Park. Oh no, we're going to Hendon Park right now.

There's been a lot of parks. As you were saying, we've been chained this route by parks. We've chained the route by parks. Very well put. Brent Park, I've never been to, but then it's where we joined the River Brent. And we were at the little castle place

on the River Brent. Oh, yeah, those little little little, We had castle turrets. Turrets on either side. Well, no, that was full. I mean, it's just some effectation, I'd imagine. Do they like follies?

I don't know. It seems folly-like. It's very folly-like. But if you think about it, they would have been surrounded by... Are we done it here, by the way? It's just a fucking film crew. Probably making some dreary, hardened Corbyn, fucking Holland Corbyn film. They could be.

You never know. But it does look... A man with... It looks like a big production. It's just that man writes... I said this as a joke, but it's kind of true. I don't know what's worse. AI made film.

or anything adapted from a Harlan Corbyn book. Do you think he even writes his own books anymore? Do you know? Yeah, I think he does, because all he has to do is churn out a fucking boilerplate plot and then put unimaginable twists in. Unimaginable. Oh, who killed my wife?

Is it him? No, it's him. Those related terms. It's a boilerplate. And you also have pot boilers. Yeah, I don't know, actually. It's a good point. Boiler plate is a phrase.

I haven't made that up, though, right? Yeah. Because you know what I'm like. It just means a sort of standard, a standard structure, right? Anyway, so we went to that park, we sat down, you're right. We had a smoke, and we relaxed, and I showed my dirty feet to you. Yes, your sandals have very much rubbed the grime of the city into the crevices of your feet.

Whilst, why, I look like an urchin almost, don't I, with my mucky feet? You look like a mucky-footed archer. Oh, there's a lot of signage coming up here. A lot of signage coming up here. There's another park. Yeah, we're heading into a Hendon. Yeah. Oh, exciting.

And then once we come out of here, we're at Hendon Central, And then that's the end of stage 11 and we move on to 12. But then we have to get through the whole expanse of Kenton. We're going backwards, aren't we? And Kenton and Kingsbury. Do you know how much long they go on for even when you're on the bus? Yeah, long time. Fucking hell.

But we are more than two-thirds done. We need to find somewhere to get more Red Bull. You know? I've got a little bit of a juice. We're not, I swear to, we are not, mate, we are not going out of our way to go to Brent Cross. And also, all right, well done. you. Well done you. I know. It's really good this part. Footpath leading to Queens. Brent crosses a quarter of a mile away, which is still too far for me. Finchley's three miles behind us.

Hending. We are going this way because we're going to come out here. Look, see. You are here and we need to go to there where the station exit is. All right. Do you want to go across? Do you want to go around the side? Like up here and along. Right. Barnet. Yeah. This is actually a nice park. Anyway, we went around that little lake area in that park, and there's lots of people having snacks and drinks. Hanging out.

Hanging out. And then we saw those turrets, and then we came here. Now we're here. So you're up to date? Oh, by the way, my balls now are now in proper chafe mode. Yes, they would be. How are yours doing? All right, actually.

Really? Yeah. I've got a proper, like, I need to start walking like a gunslinger. You know what's side of her? It's my feet. Oh, okay. My feet are actually doing all right. They're just mucky.

I'm feeling it. A vagrant's feet. How many more miles do you think we have? have at this stage? Well this is Hending right so I would say like six or seven miles, six miles maybe that's a whole half of what we've... Oh no we must be more than that then less than that.

Four miles? I mean I could check the route on the app do you want to tell you I can check the app and it will tell you in the roughest terms of where we are there's a strange topless man on a bench who I don't think we should make high contact with

if you don't mind I'm giving a look like this and lick my lips. I come hither look. Yeah, go on. Eli's, all the ladies want to, Eli, come hither look. Right, capital ring, here we are, open the go jointly, and we're going backwards, so we start at 12, we're finishing 11, and 10 is 9.4 kilometres.

It says it's a three-hour walk, but we've, we came that last walk. That's a two and a half hours for that whole last segment. We didn't. I mean, you know what I mean? We're doing all right for time. Well, how many miles is it says? Doesn't it? It says killing me, doesn't it?

Six kilometers. What does that say? I've got my glasses on. That there. Three hour 20, nine point six kilometers. Nine point six. How much is that in miles? It's about six miles, I think.

All right. We've got a long way to go, is what I'm saying. Yeah, but I don't think it's going to be three hours, because honestly, up to now this whole journey should have taken us three, four, five and a half. So it's saying to get to where we are it should have taken us five and a half hours

and we left it one and it's five o'clock now so we've done it in like what with breaks, about four. So I reckon we can get... And look at the stopwatch. Four and a half. So we've took an hour off the walk. So I reckon we can do the rest of this in what? Two hours tops?

I don't know. We need to get our head down. and get going well we're gonna get our head down and get going all right we're in hendon park now hending park it's a lovely park on a hillside it's i didn't know a slightly hill right it's got these lovely um foot bridges over the rails here as well i came down here at night one time by myself and it was lovely illuminated bridges in the darkness you know what i mean it's quite picturesque oh yeah it's going right along the railway tracks there's a bridge yeah oh taking a shocking trolley.

I've got to find a way to tuck him in because I'm getting joggers balls. It's like joggers tit, but I've also made that phrase up. But you know when you see joggers and like the nipples are bleeding because of the shirt rubs against them. They need to do something about that.

Well, they put elastoplasts over them, but I can't really put elastoplass on my balls. So I'm just going to widen my gate. Nate. You're adding, oh, it's signposted. I'm sure. I'm sure my. goodies right now.

Correction ring, baby. Resemble the fucking attic in the haunted mansion. Another sign for the capital ring. Another sign for capital ring. It's up here. It is up here. All right. Right, so

this is nice for walking. A couple more magpies. Lots of magpies. Magpies are a lovely bird. They're not. They're cunt. Are they? Yeah. Why? They're vicious little wankers. In what respect?

They still have a, Birds. If you ask me, the biggest cunts in the air are cuckoos. Yes. The cuckoos do it as a matter of course. They still other people. Yeah, they're just, they're genetically bred to be cunts. Magpies are pretty, are bastards.

They're bastards. Yeah, but to me, you say magpie, I think a little bit, woo, a little bit way, you know, a little bit dodge. It's like they're kind of the gangster. They're thieves, aren't they? The gentleman's gangster of birds. Don't you make your keys? I thought that's ravens and crows, though, aren't they?

Thieving magpie. Oh, that is true. isn't it? Yeah. Oh, there's another one of those witch things. A witch's um, nook. I don't know. Someone has put a load of branches up against a tree. And there's probably magical significance. Is he, well, let's just move out the way of this fucking bike. Here we go.

Heaven forbid. He should move his bicycle out of the way for us. Heaven forbid. Stop being ratty. Just balshy. Isn't it? Cuckoos are just the scum. They kidnap, they chucked, they chucked birds out of another bird's nest. They eat them.

And they live in mousers, like squatters. They live in mouses. Mousers, mouse houses. You know what, I've just realized we're both getting tired now. No shit. Because my brain has gone from pop and fizz to plop and whiz. Yeah. My brain's gone from zip and zap to thwart.

flat and lacking. What is this train line then right here? Is this the overground that goes via Haringay? No, this is the tube. Is it? Yes. It's the tube. Because we're heading up to Hendon Central.

That's not on a tube line. Is it? Yes. Which one? Piccadilly or something. No, it's not. It bloody well is. I've used it before.

No, I think it's a national rail station. It's not. You're confused. You're going to recognise it when we get out there. You accuse me of being confused. It's the part of Hendon that we ended up in the Brent Cross Apocalypse episode

with the helicopters overhead. Remember that? That's just up here. That was the day I swore we'd never, ever go back. We're going close. And we're giving it lip service. I'll grant you. Oh, there's a fun fare over there.

Yeah, I wonder what's... One of those Dodge ones. Hendon family fun fair. Oh, no. One pound 20 a token, 10 tokens a tenor. a ride 685 tokens

I mean I get it it's the easiest way to get people on and off rides rather than ring fencing it and charging one price didn't they used to pay money on the ride well you are basically doing that now though aren't you

yeah but didn't you directly used to pay cash back of the day but it's like when we went to Brighton on the pier remember we had to get that fucking card and put cash on it to go on the ghost train that was cool though wasn't it

was kind of cool it's like one of those shit ghost trains I appreciate ghost train. But one of the original. Not the, but one of the original ghost trains, the original being in Blackpaws. It was one of the earliest sites of a ghost train.

Yeah, because beforehand, your dark rides were all Tunnel of Love or fake mining tunnel things. Oh, really? So they existed before ghost trains? Yeah. I would have thought that the ghost train would be the original dark ride.

The original dark ride is basically the Tunnel of Love. It was a place where teenagers go on sitting in a town. canal boat in dark tunnels and do kissing maybe fingers in did you ever get to do that on a girl on a ride i mean i've yeah what ride i can't remember i was more interested in the fanny in the fingers fair enough you know it doesn't matter what riding i took a girl on toad's wild ride and i gave r right those kids here let's be quiet don't want to offend quite rightly the innocent We're getting up now to the entrance. We are.

And then we turn left out the back of this park and then we're on to the station. When we get to the station? Well, I will check the map again. But effectively. We'll get some soft drinks down here because we need some. But effectively the next, I would say, half hour walk is going to be suburbany. You know, homes, streets, streets, lanes.

Yeah. And then we come out over the top of Brent Cross and then we go to the Welsh Harp. Yeah. But that's still quite a few miles off. Yes, mate. This is a long walk. Oh, are you feeling it now?

I'm starting to feel it. I'm beginning to feel it. But what my major concern is, the state of my balls and feet by the end of this, because one's going to be mucky as fuck, and the other are going to be as tender and as sore as an open wound on a knee. Which are which.

You know, you get a graze, and a graze is much heartful than a proper cut. The grades, yes. it's over a larger area, isn't it? More nerve endings if you think about it. Yeah. You know? It's a Hendon Park cafe.

You can be cut and don't feel it at first because it kind of goes in between the nerves, you know what I mean? It's like that happened to Tim Hydecker. He was stabbed. He was stabbed and didn't realize it. Happens to a lot of people, yeah. But if you got grazed, you'd know about it. You've got grazed hard.

You go, who, who, who, who, like that. Right, which way are we going? Oh, grazing's worse, yeah. I don't think we go out that way. I think we've got to go around the calf. Yeah, the station's over that way. Right, we'll come back to you once we're clear of Hendon Station. Hendon Central Station.

There's a lady's toilet here and a gentleman's. But I think... Yeah, yeah, we can right here in fact. All right? Oh, are you? Yeah. I don't know if we is. It's smelly and all.

Christ. I don't know about going around the back of that, though, was a good choice. That was really fucking grunty. I didn't notice. Did you not like smell? Like, like, like, like, like, people. Like dirty fanny. Oh, I know you're going to say that.

No, but it was, though. I mean, you know, piss and balls is one of the thing altogether, but there's no mistaking the memorable pungent aroma of a really unwashed clam. I love the way he tried to... Pakes it out past the kids, yeah. But you still manage to say clam into a Romanian lady's face then. Oh, yeah, no. I like to think I'm just...

Clam is not a dirty word. No, it's not, but you know. It's a bit of a bivalve, mollusk. Yeah. I once knew a girl called valve mollusk. Oh yeah. Fishing down stairs. Unbelievable.

I'm losing it. We used to call it the Mad Batter. Oh yeah. You just come out of that? Yeah. Is you all better when you're tired? I know. We should always do cheap joke from this point on when I'm losing consciousness.

The mad batter. Funny. Yeah. That is funny. The mad fanny batter. Yeah. I've gone too far now. I've gone too far. See here's Henden Central. Yeah. Here's the, if you're on the

density, when I come home from yours. Yeah, I know. I go through here too when I also go the ones from yours. Superloop 10, mate. Yes. To North Finchley. I know. These are all routes that are important to us in one respect or another, right? What I's going to say is you can see the platforms of Hendon Central when you're on the top deck of the bus there. Oh yeah. Over the bridge. All right. Well, we'll report on what line it's on later. I want to put this away for a second. Okay. All right. Here we are Hendon Central. Right, so we are out of Hendon Central and all the frightingly angry looking drunks that seemed to litter the fucking place. Yeah, it's seen better days, hasn't it, really? It's a shame. It's like we were saying,

it would have been lovely before they built a huge motorway for it. Yeah. It's like lovely. It would have been, you know, nice. Somewhere like East Finchley or something. Well, this is the problem with this, like, whole area of like out of London where so much of it was gutted to make way for more traffic and that in turn changes the vibe it really does and I think Hendon is the it's one of the most clear examples of that actually yeah yeah because again no offence based on our time last time and his time let's walk quick through here it's a little bit just like emotionally sobering yes but anyway we're on our way now we have entered the third and final section of the walk we're doing today we are near

Cross everybody yeah come on come on so yeah here it is so just to because I'm a man of contrition I would like to apologize for Eli for telling him he was wrong that that was a Piccadilly Line station it was Piccadilly Line right yeah I was getting Hennon Central confused with Hendon Station Henden Station which is an overground right next to the motorway which I thought this is what was coming out to and it was not. Are we going past there? Yes. Excellent. This is this part of the walk is all very high streety, urbany. We do cross over the Welsh sharp also known as Brent Reservoir. Are we not going to miss that bit? No, we're going through that. That's what we're heading to now.

Just got to get there, but it means going via that station. Christ. No, no, no, no. Tell you what, let's very quickly consult the map so we don't go off-piece. There's a nice little shadow here. I'm happy with this. Balance me coffee there. And so far, I'm not having a need for a bus yet.

Or the wand. Right, go jointly. Here we go. Other apps are available, I suppose. I should say that, but I'm not the fucking BBC, so I'm talking about, you prick. Right, Paul, you prick. Here we go.

have to say that anymore yeah they do they still have to say that sometimes we get a lot of people who come on allegedly to talk about the statistics of a new story but actually it's been funded by some insurance company so they keep dropping in you know a vivor insurance of course came up with this and we're like and there are other insurance available we have to kind of say that shit all the fucking time grifting wankets the whole world so look here's the plan see where we are there's the route there underneath us that we avoided yes so we want to come down on the left so we're going to come down right past the station and then once we get to here we're back on by the heart We keep going around down to left left.

Yeah, we're going to go right down and follow it because we can't miss the station. Then we cross the harp at the bridge? Yeah. Is that the same bridge, remember? It might be. That old bridge that we went because we did the harp. We walked around part of the harp, didn't it? Brent Reservoir.

It is sort of harp shaped. Yeah. If you look at it on the map, do you see that? Yeah. Like you put the strings across here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looks like a cat as well when you think about it. Like it's jumping.

Also, look the tail. Looks like a big fanny. You know what you want to say? It looks like a big growler. No. A big, nasty, clammy, stink growl. Is what you want to say? No.

I don't want to say that. You've been the one referencing feminine hygiene the most today. A fussy. Is that what you want to call it? Oh, aye, aye. Alright, let's do this. It's a big, a fizzbox. A fizzbox.

A fizzbox. A fizzbox. A bitty fizzbox. A shitty. Grumbled. You grumbled. You use, there's certain... I love grumble.

There's certain phonemes. I wouldn't even say they're words. They're phonemes that you use. Certain. sounds. Bip, Bip, Bop, Bing. Oh, do you know my favourite sounds? Bing, there are other search agents available. How about this one?

That's my favourite sound, isn't it? You stop doing that. I thought right on you as well. Stop it. Playing all the, oh. Put it down here. Oh, hang on. Put it down here.

No, just neatly put it down there. So this is cheap show. 499. Come on, I'd want to raise. No, you know what? It's about time you took up some of the slack Because I was fucking running away with it. I can't believe you've resorted to that again.

Just for all time's sake, and after 500, I get to wipe the slate clean. And my ass. Nice. Nice. You need me to it. I was going to say something. We got it.

Desperately looking for the gag after that. We got it. We got it. The word wipe comes. Oh, I love the word wipe. We're back on Vivian Avenue. Weren't we on Vivian Avenue? We were always on station.

Vivian. Okay, we've been on it for ages then. Look, Wembley. Wembley down there. Here's Wembley, the big arch. That proves that we're in the right sector of the city. Because Harrow's on the other side of it. We're not third and final stage at this walk now, so yeah.

It's a lovely day. It didn't get quite as high, I don't think. No. My one's been saying 29. No, it's not been reaching that. But... That man's walking like I am and he's got fucking 40 years on me, but the sounds of things.

But the sound of it. can hear his legs creaking. Well, no, just like... The look of him. Look of him. Yeah. But it's a podcast, so I said sound. I got confused.

A view close. That's all very posh. Very posh. Right, we're going to say this off. And then we'll come back to them, I think, when we get to that little park on. And now, me, Paul. Seeing a bit.

What was that? Nothing. I'm named that two new one. Now, here we are. Yeah. So we've... I can't remember what we did last. I'm beginning to lose focus.

I just feel like I'm in a fugue state now. I knew we were going to get into a fugestate after about this sort of part of the walk. Clitterers. You really are fixed-stated on Fannies for Svers me today. Well it makes a difference doesn't it? Well, it's all fixed-it-on-fix-ed-on-Fanis-a-furnies. Because Fannies are lovely. Oh, look at this though, look at this. Here we are, we're back at the Well Shop.

I was going to skip to that bit. And lush. It's lovely. This is where we came to record a little segment for our Walkabout video for 3.50, I don't know, whatever, 400. We only walked around half of it, didn't we? Yeah, we were at that side coming in from Ender. Brent Cross. Okay, for Brent Cross.

This is probably as close as we'll get to my beloved Brent Cross. This is close enough. Close of fucking enough, mate, frankly. You're taking picture. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's lovely. I mean, it's funny, isn't it, with this walk?

We're in and out of, like, rough areas of urbanisation and then lovely parkland nature reserves like this with animals and ducks. A good. A good of Blackbreed's just there. Lovely blackbreed. We used to pick them to a penny as a kid back in our way and we got them at the bush behind the tube station, well, the train station, Liso station.

I had a Blackberry cobbler last night. I put some cream on that. And the person who made it got them from Hakeny, Wolf and Stone Marshes. They live up there, yeah. Let me just take a quick picture of this lovely vista in front of me. Nice, isn't it? Beautiful.

Again, pictures on our website. blah blah blah blah blah clitoris. We were looking at the Welsh harp on the map, which is called the Welsh harp because of a pub that used to stand around here. You know we just, we did that on mic? Did we? Yeah. Remember I said, you said it always looks like fanny's

and then grumpy and then I thought I was not on Mike, sorry, I just wanted to make sure. And it was 20 days ago we recorded that, so I don't blame you for forgetting. Who lost in the wilderness. What do we do when we get to the other side of the harp here? I don't know. Crossing it at a very narrow point. We're not going around the harp, so to speak.

No. What's on the other side apart? I don't know. I don't know where we go, really. from here. Well we need to check the map again. Oh I just put me phone away. Come on. Yeah, there's a little road. I remember this. There's a little little tiny road that slices right through it. Oh, I've got me glasses. Oh, I'm old. Oh, my feet stink. My balls ache. Got a little chaffinch going on. Don't open up high network. I

want to go jointly. Capital ring. I've got a little chaff inch going on. Don't open up high network. I want to go jointly. Capital Ring. I bought a fucking saying capital ring. I know that for a fact. Cool. Toothbrush. Oh. You wonder, don't you? How it gets to you. Yeah. Who was brushing their teeth in the car and decided that's that for that toothbrush? Or maybe it was in a bag of trash that got thrown out. That's the real shame. There's a lot of people dump their fucking...

So, this is the road, but it's saying there's a path. That's just... Oh shit. That's just there. along that way somehow. Along this road? That's what it's saying. Yeah, it's just on the other side there. Do you want to do it? We should go back the way we came and cross over there. Oh no, I'm not doing that.

I've got, no, nettles and shit. I'll meet you there. Yeah, I'm going to go around then because I just don't want to go through that. No worries, I'll meet you there, Paul. All right, mind the bike. I'm going to go around the long way now. I love doing cheap show.

And I like it when we get out and about. I've got, it's like a nice vibe in it. And me and Eli make memories and stuff. and we have a few laughs on along the way. And hopefully you enjoy it too. I'm about to cross the road where it will instantly turn to green. Oh no. No, good.

All right, cool. So now we're back on the path. This is the ring road now, off the road, which is handy. And Eli's sitting is bot bot down on a bench. Okay. Yeah, it's much nicer, isn't it, and going along that road? Yeah. Crop dust.

Just thought the route went, Stop it. Oh, mate. You're pushing too hard. That is the sound of the apocalypse, right? That is the sound of evil coming. The Brent Cross Apocalypse? The rapture, mate.

My asshole is awaiting the rapture. The crapture. The crapture. Oh, God, I'm... Oh, no. I can actually feel the shape of my poo. Stop pushing it then. I'm not, I'm sucking it up.

But you know when you can actually feel the shape of it? I know, because you've been farting. You've been trying to fart on demand. That's going to play heaven. with your needing a shit level. Yeah. I'm forcing the issue. At this age, at this age, mate.

Every fucking one's your last one, isn't it? What are we going on here, do we? We do, we follow it all along now. All right. Which is nice, in it? Yeah, cool. So this is the Canal and River Trust, teeming with life, it says the harp.

Welsh harp. Or, what? Brent Reservoir. Brent of R. Is it called that, or are you just saying that? I'm absolutely 100% it's called Brent Reservoir. Because the Brent, the Brent, the Brent is what features.

It's not they say that anyway. Because they're trying to sell it as a location. And you know what, that is the history, isn't it, of this place? The Victorians used to come here as a sort of resort. Mate, can you stop fast? It's not good. I can feel the vibrations up the bench, mate. Please stop.

Stop, it's not funny. Why are you so happy? I'm not. I'm not. I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm frightened. I can see the joy on your face. There was like air behind that one that pushed past. Yes, it's your bowels. It's your bouts.

Until the day you die, they'll be, they'll be parping and popping and bubbling. This felt, that felt like a car in a wind tunnel that one. I felt the breeze go wrap around the stool

and come out the pipe. You know? Yeah, I'm getting old and I'm going to shit my pants on my podcast. That's what happens in episode 3,000. I bet Josh Whitakern doesn't do that. I bet James A.Caster's

podcast doesn't have him shit his kecks halfway for a chat with Dan Aykroyd. A? I bet Nick never shits his pants in one of his seven-hour podcasts. I don't shit myself when I go down. Are you listening, Nick? Is this all you talk about is fucking movies?

I bet I don't shit myself when I go around and record at his flat for an episode. That would be ridiculous and I don't think that would be ever happened. That wouldn't happen. Clean myself up in the Jaws themed toilet. Or shitting a load of blood over a mate's couch when you come over and record back then. Getting loose now, aren't we? Yeah, well, yeah. It's a unnecessary confessional episode.

Let's wrap this recording session up, which has been dominated by your fecal... Fecal emissions. Anyway, Nick, I'm just saying if you listen to this, no one needs to hear you talk about movies for seven hours. Break it up. Does he do long podcasts about movies? Yeah, he does that thing with Matt, doesn't he? And then you look at the running time, it's like six hours and you think, there's just what's the point. He seems to be doing quite well.

Well, yeah, he's a successful award-winning comedian. Of course he's doing quite well. It doesn't mean he's free from fucking criticism, does it? Wait. Listen to the episode. One of us shits are pants. The thing is I can't not say it's not going to be me. Can you just calm down for a second?

You calm down for a second. You didn't need to do that one either. You need to hydrate yourself, my friend. I just caned a bottle of fizzy water and a nice latte. And I've got half of the, well, quarter of the rhubarb. I've had quite a lot of rhubarb today in many respects. Well, let me know if you want to sip of one of my. my drinks, okay? What have you got? I've got a bottle of water and a Lukaseid pink lemonade.

Okay, we'll see how we go. I'm all right for now. I've had quite a lot and I've not had to pee because I think the sweats dealing with that. I think I'm getting my second wind actually. I feel a lot better. My low point was when we sat down in Brent Park. I felt really, really hot and like, turgid, not turgid. That's that word again. Which means, doesn't mean soft. Doesn't mean soft. Doesn't mean soft. It doesn't mean soft. Rubbery. It means hard. Hard. Like something hard and filled with...

Come, come. Right. Ready for the last leg of this. This is the most interesting leg in many ways for me. Because it's the least familiar. Yes. But it is very familiar to me from getting buses home from yours.

So you think about it, we've basically done the route that I take to get home from yours. But yeah. We're doing door to door to door, everyone. It's the door to door. We really need to go door to actual door though, Paul. Yeah.

Don't need to tell them where you. You live or where I live. No. Exactly. But the last thing you'll hear is us opening my front door. Hopefully. And maybe this. Oh, the ladies, stop.

Oh, no. That was not what I thought it was going to be. You have to go in the bushes now. No, I'm all right. A bit, that's fine. What, you touch cloth. The turtle's gone back into its shell. But he touched the cloth.

He nibbled at the cloth. I would say. He grazed the cloth. I would say it smelt the air. Did you see my meme? You what? You meet. My meme. No.

This is relevant. Is it? Yes. Because this sounds like something I'm going to cut out. As you lazily swipe for your fucking phone for yet another tedious fucking thing. What am I looking at? This meme. What is the meme to you though?

Because I don't think you quite understand the meme. Takes one sip of coffee, the poop in my butt at Bonjour. Look at the dog's expression. little face poking out of the hole. Yeah. Is that what the turtle did? I don't know, but it's warm and wet back there. Come on, that was a relevant meme. Yes, all right, but it's not your meme.

You didn't create it, did you? No, but I'm just going to, I know. I'm allowed to use a meme if I like. You are. I'm sorry. Come on. Everyone understands memes. Stop being such a poo-pooher. I don't know why I've gone into this hard voice register. And you listen to me more when I do this.

All right, John Gunty. It's John Gunty. It's John Gutty. Yeah. Let's save that for next week. When you wait to me? You just said we're ready to go. That's why I got up.

I want you to turn that goddamn thing off for a second. Listen to me. Why? Turn it off. What for? What's going on? I'm going to do something private. Okay, all right.

All right, okay, well then we'll wrap this up. We're going to finish off on the harp, and then we'll come back to you. I don't know. Now it's a little bit nebulous. So we'll just come in and out as we go. See you. in the future.

Right, we have left the Welsh Harp. Welsh Harp. Welch Harp Recreation Ground. And we saw a capital ring sign and just so you know where we are. To my right, where we've come from, Henden Park was two miles, high gatewood, six and a half miles. Where's the Woolwich foot tunnel? Because that says 24 and a half miles. Again, it is part of the thing.

I was just wondering if we'd... No, we had. the past it i'm fucking losing my brain mate i know i'm catching them up it's a whole other way i thought he might have said finsby park on there essentially that way's east and that way's west yeah so west so barn hill pond two and off miles how are on the hill mate five and a half miles but that means don't tell me you're not disappointed at the how high that number is i thought it might have been four and a bit i was hoping to lose a half a mile off that or a mile richmond bridge eighteen miles i'm feeling it by that richmond bridge is where we did the pagan picnic that time

I don't know why I'm talking like the Hulk. The Hulk. Hey, brother. Woolwich Foot Tunnel. I don't even know what that is. Highgate Wood, we came from there. Yeah. Only six and a half miles back. Yeah.

So. And we've got most of that to go. Think how far away that was in our past. You see, when you phrase it like that, now I'm fucked off. Yeah, I know. Feel it. Should we have a liquid break? I think I want to have a little bit of liquid.

Yeah, because the next little bit get a bit suburbany for a while, I think. Let's just have some fluid and just get our head down. Take some fluid. And then join the listeners in a bit. Yeah, in a bit. Because I believe... You're not for doing it? No, here's the thing.

I know we're going to do it. I know it's going to get done. I'm not concerned about that. What I am concerned about is just how much blathering we do, nonsense, fucking extreme blathering. And if the battle with my bowels ends with a loss for me...

Well, you're going to have to just pop into an establishment of some sort of. along the way, Paul. You say that. A McDonald's, a weather spoons, a random curry house. I'm not doing a shit in a McDonald's. I've got standards.

Standards that cause you pain in your bowel system. That needs to come out. It's fine. It's talking of vaginas, Paul. It's just a tree with... There's a little clit at the top. It's got a ding-dong d'ong dally word.

And just like someone else's on it, it's got ansew all over it as well. Just like what? Savajovaj. Did you say just like shobra-jub-jab-jab-j-jav-javs? Yes, he did. He didn't even mad. Fof-a-Jov-a-Jov's fad it.

You're not even mad. Fotherjoba jobs clunge. Shut up. You're not even managing to verbalise properly anyway, anymore, Paul. Don't care. Not that you verbalise that well to start with. Fov-a-lova-jov. Oh, God, I can't do this.

Take a picture of that wood cunt and let's move on. Come on. I'm done. Oh, it's getting a light effect. Look, this is... Look at this artefact. I'm getting it again. Look, do you see it?

Yeah. Yeah, the JJ Abrams lens flirt. Is that lens flare? I mean, it is to some extent, but I don't know why you're getting it. Yeah, it's too much of it. Anyway, I noticed in that picture you forgot to get the clit in. I'm going to take a close up there. Just because, you know, I'd hate for people to think you don't know where it is.

Mother Nature, that does look like a real big clip. A gnarly witch or, you know, spirit of the woods clit. Let's move on to making more analogies about penises because I think we need to do some balance. So look, there's a lamp post. It looks like a big willy. No. There's a ballad that looks like a big cock.

It does not pass the comedy test. Look at that leaf. It looks like a Willie. Yeah, what are we doing? What's going on? I feel like we're taking more breaks. You are blathering. You're blathering.

Just put me in control for a second. Never. Because what we'd get then is your fucking Eli thinks he's great and everything about his life is great. And so we have to hear about every school bus he ever fucking drove on or every fucking special fucking... Oh my God. Classy joined with his boarding school friends.

Cardinal Goblin, Toxic Goblin comes down the line. He played Sticky Biscuit with Peter. You wish you had people who play Sticky Biscuit. I didn't need to. We cut out the middleman and just tossed each other off. Didn't need to mask it with games. I'd never play Sticky Biscuit. It was just like, alright, Dave, how you doing? I'm all right, mate. How'd you fancy howank? Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it here. Josh, Josh, Josh. Well done, mate. Oh God, I think we're going to be sick. Well done, mate. And then there's no games. There was no hiding it behind a game with Sticky Biscuit. You sound like Jimmy Saville.

Oh, I'm. How's about that then? You do. Eli Silverman. Jim, we'll fix it for you to shut your fucking gob. He spat in my mouth. Shut up. Please, can you please it?

How's about that then? Stop, Paul. I got to let off one of the Eli Silverman. Do you, I hear Mr. Stavill? Please, could you fix it for me to be? opened up. That is dark.

Don't be like that. Well, let me fix it for you. There you go, you're fucking cunt. Right. Oh, the jollity fades when the tiredness sets in, doesn't it? Fuck, the jollity? Yeah. Attack goblin.

That's what I'm going to call you. Tell you what, I'll do your deal right now. Between now and not end point, no more attacking Eli about his life, his attitude, his behaviour, stink. I won't criticise your fashion. I won't criticise your potential taste of music and film. I won't attack your awful handwriting, slapdash timekeeping. I'll not do any of that. Oh, shut up.

I'll not... Honestly, look, check it at. What? Concrete shed, look at that. Oh, that's very dark, isn't it? That's good. That's where you keep the bodies, mate. And a little concrete shed in the middle of nowhere.

It really is. Yeah. It's London, though. Anyway, if anyone wants to know what Eli's Lukazade tastes like, it tastes quite nice because I got a little spitzworth of it in my gob. Right. We've got a march on. That's the Lukezade that we tried.

Yeah. That I say would be nice if it wasn't fucking zero sugar. We were on a walk about then. That's the one when we ended up in Heathrow getting kicked out at the chapel. Do you remember that? That was then. That's when we first tasted. Got turfed out by a chapel, that cop. I said I liked it then.

Did I? Or did you say you liked it then? No, I probably said it was all right, but I couldn't drink the whole one. It's too, no sugary thing. Blatherer, blah, blah. Welcome to Birchon Grove Garden Centre. It's a garden centre. What do you mean? What is a garden centre?

It looks like an old cemetery. Look at the gate. No, it's just a garden centre. Wembley Park Station over that way. Right, I think we go this way now, because of the centre. as a church on the up corner. Besides, we have to go this way because the road turns. Up until 5.30, you guys going to take a picture of the Grove,

Birchon Grove, Garden Centre. Right, fuck me. Energy waning, suns setting, balls, chafing. Oh my God, you have no idea. Every step is like a tiny little fucking brush up against some sandpaper on my thigh. It's just the things they don't warn you about when you get older. Sweaty balls and chafing. I'm just complaining about my chafing

How's your... Hey I looked like that old man we were following for ages In the mouth of madness He's you, we're ahead of you Because do you remember we passed him And then we had to pass him again Do you remember that?

This is the mouth of madness This is the mouth of madness Yeah To be fair He walked ahead of us Because we were too busy explaining how the Welchart looked like a fanny Look at this whole vibe

Yeah It's a ruin It's like an old train station almost You know? Or like a parkkeeper's house It must be... It looks like old toilets or like changing rooms or... Maybe.

To me it looks like a parkkeeper's house that was on the edge of a park and you know, you would stay there. Or, because it's near an allotment... That's the... Well, it didn't start as a garden centre, obviously, this bit. No, of course it didn't. Because look at those gates, so it was some kind of thing. Well, it's an allotment, isn't it? Anyway, two things before we end.

A, what's your chafing situation like? Well, there's some chafing has arrived, Paul. Right, okay. You are literally waddling like Danny DeVito with the run. Look at this, man. Wait, and then one last question, so I can turn this fucking off. What's our time so far? I'd like to have an idea of what our time is.

I reckon we're on the five hour mark. Yeah, give or take. Just a quick update, if you don't mind. Six hours. Well, five minutes to six hours. Five hours and 55 minutes. And Eli's found a bunch of detritus. Truck, what's the word for the back of a truck?

what's the truck's word? It's a trailer. Trailer. A hitch trailer to a flat bed. Buy everyone. Dimsdale Drive. We're back on the... This is where the Dimsel brothers,

the Piranha brothers. Dinsdale. Dinsdale. That's dim. Yeah, but it's Dinn. Yeah, but this is DIM. I know, but it's dim. Dyn.

I don't care about pythens. Here, in the cheap show sketch, it's Dimsdale. All right. Hello, I'm Johnny Dimsdale. And I'm shut up. fucking cunt, you prick, bastard, shut up. And I've heard about a case of Paul not wanting

to be funny or do anything in the pot anymore because he's losing the will to live. He's really tired. Stop fucking nudging me as well, you can't get off me. We're back on the suburban backroads now. The back streets of Liverpool flavour of

just then. I'm sorry, nudged you, all right? Just don't fucking get... Don't touch me, man. I don't know what you're fucking do. I'm just really... Stop it. I'm lit... The sun is setting. We've been walking almost non-stop for six and a half hours or whatever it is.

I'm sorry I touched you. Don't do it again or ever unless invited. You were trying to kiss me today? Yeah, it's different. I love you. Psycho. Holden Avenue. What's it called?

Amanda Holden Avenue. Amanda Hold on. Amanda Hold on Avenue. I'd like Amanda having kissed. Les Dawson. Les Dennis. Oh, right. Dustin G.

Hang on. It's just become surrealism now. So anyway, we're on the back suburban roads. Can you hear those parakeets? Yes, I'm ignoring you though now because I'm talking to our lovely listeners who are thrilled. Look at him walking like he's got a brick up his arm.

I've got to band my legs out a bit because now I'm also getting titty jave. I've got a question for you. Yeah. Cobbwebbing level. Cobbwebbing level? I'm thinking overgrown green out of the kind of cobwebs. A deep rich.

A deep rich. multi-layered years of neglect cobwebbing. Cobbubbing event. Yeah. Oh, just a bottle of water in the middle of the pavement. Just left there for no reason. Someone probably. Why?

I forgot it. Got in the car. Why? Left it there. They were waiting maybe. And then they couldn't take their pills because he had nothing to wash it down with. And they were driving and then they flipped that car across three lanes on the circular. Killing 20 people.

Oh dear. You always do go to the darkest. I've got a dark soul, I think. I think you do. I think I've got a lot of darkness in me that I just get out with my humour to save me from killing folk. Do you honestly think that, Paul?

Sometimes. I don't think I'm capable of killing anyone. Well, you haven't done it so far. But you know, I just think, I think it's like that gallows humor thing would just get you, feel? And the world's can be so fucking awful. Why not fucking laugh at it?

My humor is dark as well, but you do, I'm just... Sorry, I'm picking at you again. I'm sorry. It's all right. I've done my first share of picking at you, mate. so, you know, I'm not going to hold that again. You're going to have said that for the rest of this walk, I won't criticize your stupid fucking hat.

Oh, don't start again. Or your fucking stupid wilting beard. Wilting? Yeah. Wilting? Or your stocky weird legs. I'm proud of my legs. Makes you look almost sapien.

I am a sapian. I guess so. See, don't try it with words you don't know the meaning of. Neanderthal. Is that what you want to be? Yeah, Nathaniel. You're Nathaniel, Nefandothal. There must have been a cartoon made of that.

Yeah, that sounds like a dandy. This is a whole theme park based on that. The Thaniel Nathal. Hello, welcome to Yanderthian. Nathaniel Nihans. Right, okay. I don't know where we're going right now. Check your thing of my jig.

Why don't you do it? I've given up on this. I might just get a taxi and go home and leave you. No, don't. On purpose. I'll just go, it's going to pop for a way, mate, round the back. And you're actually lost, yeah? No, it's just a thing out.

You get your fucking thing out. I've got no... Yeah, because you've got 12 apps fucking running at once, no one. Your battery's nearly dead. It isn't. Got a text. My battery's not nearly dead. All this fucking text shaming as well.

We have none of that till the end of the episode as well, please. Especially when you're asking me to do the hard work you don't want to. Just saying you've got the context. You've been navigating, may I say, quite well up to this point, okay? Yeah, but we're also at a point now. Continue to navigate, you, wanker. It's got bum-bum issues. I have.

Right, I think we go up now. Up there. Let's go on the shave. And there should be a roundabout. Oh, go. And my guts. My guts. My guts, man.

Yeah. Maybe there's a toilet you can use there. Don't. Stop doing it. I'm beginning to lose purchase of it. You're beginning to lose the threat on this. Where we're going. We don't need toilets.

Toilet. All right, we're going to go up this road. Then left on the roundabout. And then we go up. We've come off the trail completely, though. just so you know we've literally abandoned it i mean we plan to abandon it but this was saying we go up right and we've just gone down and round so now we're going to go any of the park well we're going to see some of this barn hill park or whatever but we've completely foregone the uh country

park okay fine whatever let's just get back on the trail see see that we've sort of got up i see but actually we're we're saving time we're making time here yeah because it's never about keeping to the route exactly it was about walking from my place to yours your place to mine that's right but we found that we've we use the ring as a as a we've clarified that mission though and the specifics of how to accomplish that on the walk haven't we yeah do you see what I mean mm-hmm now because I just can't have a conversation right now you need to sort your bowels out you fuck off I made sure I took another shit I took one before I left yours did I not remember the toilet paper

conversation we had yeah it wasn't anything you could do about your lack of toilet paper and your home and I hope your flatmate doesn't have a problem I'm not going into that but just saying I have dumped yes you did so just one look that's desk oh right yeah okay so we'll we'll find it it's not that hard to find the park from here they've got to go to the end of this road turn left a little bit of around about you can see the trees yeah yeah yeah but that's the country park that we're not going to okay we're going to take a left up here yeah then around about and that roundabout takes us on the road that goes through both parks. Yes, I understand. Yes, well you don't sound like you do. I do. I don't understand that.

I just wanted you to look at the map. You said I'm lost. I just wanted you to look at the map. Is this the longest walk we've ever done? I've got nothing, I'm made of nothing but chafing and sweat. Yeah, mate. You're not used to walks this. I think it's because we've slowed down because heat and tiredness and also I can't move my legs forward enough. They have to go wide. You need to sort it out, mate. Maybe we go to the park. Find the place to sit down. I can air my balls for a bit, you know.

That's been the theme with all the recordings we've done this week. Yeah. You've seen my groinle area more than my doctor. It's going to be hot. But we're not doing the whole recording session, are we? We're just doing a few bits of pops. So, yeah, we're fine. I love some of this modernist homes.

Yeah. You don't mean that. No. But you don't always say you never agree with it and stuff. Now I'm feeding you what you want. Lovely little mazonettes, modernist mazonets down there. I like ubleettes. No one likes an ubleed.

I love an ubleed. Oh, they're really good. You may have noticed, I don't think we've noticed anything. Kingsmear Park, right, here we go. My feet are filthy, my hands are filthy. my mind is filthy oh here we go here we go here we go more parkland we'll find a little place to sit our asses down it is really lovely it is isn't it actually oh you can't get up here once before i've been here before oh in a past life it looks have a little flat like this

but i think like i would get pissed off of the noise of my neighbours too much because it feels like They're all thin walls. Yeah. But what? They're all old people. Yeah. I guess. Yeah.

All right. So, I've got to find the right road that we go up now. But yeah. I don't like the silence that you get in the countryside. It enerves me.

I can't really sleep that well. I get scared. Oh, you can't sleep in the country? I don't really like it as much. Weird. I like hearing cars and stuff. I get that. I can understand that.

Right. I need to have a thing. I think we're going up that way. Salmon. Yeah, that's that's this bit yeah. I'm just trying to see if that's a road up there. Hang on. Hang on.

Let's have a look. It's going to get the normal map out for this. This is an epic walk, isn't it? Okay. Oh, it's up that way. So we're going to go up that way directly. So let's go around. Right, we're going to head into the park,

and we're going to take a sit down. So you'll join us after that, no doubt. What's the park called? Piddly Bam Hill, Bam Hill Park. Bam Hill or Barn Hill. Or Barn Hill. Or Barham.

There's definitely a hill in the world anyway. Yeah, I think it is Barnhill. Barnhill. So that's where we're going to go sit down and take a breather. But we're close to the end, mate, honestly. Our goal is reasonably in sight. Really? Yeah.

I'm not so sure, mate. Now, here's the thing I want to discuss with you. Shall we just go straight to mine? Or do you want to go via? Harrow on the Hill which probably takes a little bit out of our way to do so. No I don't want to go via this what we... No, no it's fine. I wanted to give you the option of our route. Alright I don't want to go to Harrow on the Hill what's the point?

Alright fine. It's door to door. It is we're doing it's door to door to door. What we've done is door to door yeah so we are going to go door to door to door. There are other options for the route we could have done a more direct route couldn't we? Oh yeah we could have done a much more direct route but this This is as... ...orough of the charm of this walk has been coming on and off the capital ring, right? Yes. So, with all that in mind, yes, we're going door to door which means when we get to Northbrook

Park where the fuck it's called, I can't remember right now. Northwick. Northwick Park, yeah, thank you. Is that where we are going to next? Yes, well no, we're going to next, but that's where we'll basically end up before we have to come off the capital ring route at all and then go to mine. Okay. That's where we come off the route.

That's where we're going to come off the route. go shortcut straight to yours. And in fact, I'm going to give you this option. From Northwick, we can get a bus almost straight to my door. No. You sure? Yes. We're giving you that option.

I know I get the bus through there. I'm not doing it. All right. Okay, fine. No, I'm just saying I'm happy to roll with anything Mr. Silverman wants. All right. Because it sounds like he's getting a bit of a paddy on. Let's get the bus there.

You dickhead. You dickhead. Well, I don't want a bus. I don't care. No, let's not then. I'm saying I want to do whatever you. want to do whatever you want. I'd like to walk. Good. I'd like to have the achievement, honestly. Of walking door to door. Yes. Yeah, fine. I am just at the end of my fucking tether with this

whole thing. No shit, Paul, no shit. Come on, we'll have a rest. We need one more sort of smoke stop. Yeah, we're going to do that now. Get us together, do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, that's fine. And then push through, come on. Push on through, because we would have come through this Parkland area to our right. It's very sort of shabby and Yeah. Desolate around here. It's just a road and some parkland, but nothing. Nothing.

Structured, do you know what? Anyway, we're entering this Bam Hill park or whatever. It really is very liminal here. Yeah. Sort of in between. The countryside and the city. And that is a bottle of piss. There's no doubt.

That can be no doubt about it. People chucked their bottles of piss out here. Public footpath. Hey. Yeah, here we go. Are we going in the woods again? To the mall, yeah. Let me take a photo of that.

That's a bit of a scary sign. Yeah. Right. We're going to come in here. You'll see us later. Hear from us later. Thank you. A moment of respite in the centre of Bam Hill Park. Barnhill.

Barnhill. Eli and I sat against the log. I had some cheese strings. Finished off my Lucasade pink lemonade zero sugar energy drink. Can I just say? One of the best decisions we made of this particular walk is not introducing alcohol to any stage of it at any point. I wasn't in the mood.

I wasn't in the mood, but also with this length and this heat. I can't help but length. The soul to my feet are fucking hurting now, man. I've got pins and needles into my everything, just sitting down. It's a nice mackerel sky. It's going to be a stunning sunset. I would... Macroar Sky?

Yes. I've never heard that. It's like mackerel skin. Do you see the... I've got a lady I call mackerel thighs. But that's because you've got... You always gone back? You've got stinky fanny.

Stinky family. What's that smell? It's coming straight. from hell stinky fanny stinky fanny oh oh I wish I couldn't smell the fish stinky fanny

stinky fanny I'm done I'm spent smells like spunk and unwashed pillows haven't you heard the mackerel sky thing no I've never heard it well do you understand why I understand what you're getting at now yeah the kind of rippled cloud

like skin yeah I guess it could be any fish really though couldn't it Maccrawls specifically does have those striations and bumps could be any fish No, he couldn't. It could be any fish. You are fucking me off with your stupid generalisations.

It couldn't be any fish. Why isn't it called fish guy then? Why isn't it, though? Call fish guy? You're right? Oh, look at that fish guy. Because it's macro, you fucking midwit, is what you are. Midwit.

Never heard that before as well. Yeah, I know. Call it fishwit. Hey, I just call it fishwit. I keep hitting you with new vocabulary items. I'm not interested. I know. I don't want to add any more words to my vocabulary today.

Thank you very much. I'm very fuck-und with this. Fuck-on. Right, I'm off then. Fuck you, Eli, I'm off. My feet are like black with, like cold black with filth. No, actually, my feet aren't particularly. My back is a little sore as well.

Yeah. Oh, but where are we? Barnhill Park. It's lovely. It's idyllic. It is lovely, isn't it? Hang on. Let me just make sure I've got me everything.

Like wallet, phone charging on me little box bag thing. Since we left... This is an awful episode of podcast. The side of the Welsh harp. I really haven't known anywhere. No, and it's only going to get more... Yes, I'll... Yeah, I mean, I don't know if your phone's in there.

No, my phone is... Don't give me shit. No, I don't know what you mean. You said... Is it shut? Yes, it's shut. Yeah. It's sealed with zip.

Mate, why you ask me if you're going to just double-check it then? Because I'm scared of losing my phone. Fine, but also you asked me if you had back was zipped, then it was, and now it's unzipped, and now you have trouble closing it. Stop with there. I just think, mate. Stop with that. You're getting your own way sometimes, you know.

And I'm here to show you the light. Shut, you're such a dick, yes. You know what I am? I tell you what I am. Oh, look. A crack in the ground. Fanny. That's a lovely oak.

Oh, a lovely doggie. I don't know where we're going. I don't care no more. I know Holmes that ish way. Really? But I don't know. What we're doing? Are we going up the hill?

What are we doing? And my balls hurt and there's chafing and me tit. You have to take back, mate. Because last time I tried to take over and check the map, you went, oh, look. No. It's not the one. No.

The last time you took over and checked the map. You then went, Paul, check your map. Oh, the sky is really something at the moment. Look at that's lovely. Lovely. Lovely, lovely. Oh. Oh.

This is what happens when you recall. The Saville impression, the resort of a Spence man. Do you know they made sausages out of him when he died? Savaloi. Come on laugh, you fuck? No, I'm not going to. You do it. You laugh.

Oh, we're walking straight at the sun now. We shouldn't walk anywhere until I've looked at my ring. Do it? I'm looking at my ring. I've made a single joke about bumholes for the capital ring, have we? Well, there, let it be done. Right, look, we haven't moved anywhere about half an hour. We've got to go up that path.

Yeah, up this way. Yeah, up this way. Or we go. Or we go that way. Mate, what do you want to do? Look, look, look. Look, we've got to make a decision, important decisions. See, this has taken us all the way up here and then we have to go all the way back down.

But we could just go. Go across the street's here. Go and then run along the edge and then go down there and then straight to Preston Road. It's not a door to door. It's not a door to door. Fuck the ring. You keep oscillating back and forth from this. Because it was such a good friend at the beginning. It showed us true.

But I just said, look, we got 80 minutes via my app to get home. Yeah, but that was up all nothing but motorways and roads. You know what I mean? It's like an ugly way to end the episode. Fair enough. Let's go across, but let's do some little short cutting now. Yeah. So we're going to go straight across and then join.

this area where there's like a kind of road that goes along the side of this, like almost like Hampst Heath. Well, you fucking go ahead and do that then. And then I'll stop on this because without you, who am I? I'm nothing. Nothing without you.

And I hope a child comes by with a family and you are shamed. Right, he's off for a piss. And as my promise has been kept, I will not record this. Oh, so I can't be arthur. It's hot. Right, bye everyone again.

All the parrots. You what? We should explore barnhill again one time. All right. When my balls are bleeding. Are they bleeding now? I don't know, mate. I'm genuinely.

It's lovely, lovely up here at sunset started. Yeah. The sky is a thousand different patterns of fractal madness going on. Yeah. With little ripples like a Japanese sand garden. And then there's some pit-a-patter. Pitta-patter. Fripper, fluffy little ones.

No, your language is gone, my friend. I'm hitting my stride now. Go on, man. Yes, the fliffer, flapper. Clouds. Everybody going to take me down. Oh, look at that shadow of that cloud. Oh, yeah.

Isn't that cool? I've never seen a shadow on a cloud on a cloud. See, you look more carefully at this. Clarefully. Clavicularly. Clavicle. Mate, go walk too fast, my balls. My thighs and my balls.

Paul's not presents, everyone. I am presence. It's just my presence. is surrounded by pain. Look at that. There's a park over there. Is that we going there. Ish.

Ish. Depending on circumstances. Ish. Because there's a whole load of park. There's more park over there as well. Well, that's the park. Because this is the quicker way. Look, this is quicker.

We're doing quicker now because my balls and thighs are in agony. All right. Okay, door to door. That's the oath we took. Door to door. Yeah? Yeah. My door to your door.

I've still got the timer going. I know. The whole day. Yeah, we will remove. We've agreed that we're going to remove about 40 minutes off the time, final time, which will include stoppages. And we're just going to imagine the time as if we did a non-stop walk. Is that harrow, that hill on the other side there?

Possibly. That is the harrow hill. Church on the top? Because if there's a church, then. It's very hilly around here all of a sudden. Well, over in that direction, yeah, but I think that's actually Stanmore. We're going to have to go up a hill more. I think that's Stanmore.

Coming down quite a steep hill. I just said. I'm glad this is downhill because if I was going uphill with the amount of agonising chafing I'm going through right now, I'd be calling it quits. Bumblebeat. Honestly, if this was rolls reversed, it'd be Uber time because I've got Uber Oachy going on. Paul, if it's really bad, you... No? Just give me the recorder and I'll walk home by myself.

Here's the Piccadilly line. Back to yours point in time. There's the Piccadilly line because it's going into Preston Road, which is where we're going. It's elevated there. That's great, is it? Yeah. That's going into Preston Road. Are we going to take this right here?

No, we're going straight through. Straight down? Yeah. Yeah, I think we're going straight down. Do you want me to check again? Yeah, check that we can't cut across there. Yeah, hang on, let me just cross the road. And then pull that out and then grab this and then do that.

Getting tired of opening this app and getting tired of walking. Getting tired of all of this. right oh we're so close we're so close to the end of this yeah okay yeah we carry on going down here straight down straight down straight down straight down straight down and then we get to the is that just say the avenue the avenue yeah so when we go that we go right on the avenue cross over to clan oh oh ohston close and then that takes us to Preston Road so we're going there and then Wiggling around. Wiggly woo.

Okay. Right. Ask me how I'm feeling right now. How are you feeling right now, Paul? Really upset and troubled. Why? Because honestly, I'm in genuine agony with my thighs, and I'll be honest, my feet as well. I feel numb.

Almost. You said we do it. Look, that is Harrow on the hill. That's the church spire. We're walking to the other side. We're walking not that, yeah. It looks quite far away, doesn't it? Yeah.

But that's not where we're going, though. Because where we're going further away. We're not going up that hill, no. Which was the plan originally, remember? It was. It was foolish of me to suggest that I would like to absolutely apologize and ask for attrition. Contrition. Forgiveness?

Forgiveness. No, that's apologising. No, contrition is when you go, oh, yes, if you show contrition, it means you apologize. Yeah. But what's attrition now? That's attrition. Is that like when you starve something or it's kind of like attrition, like tiredness? Yes. That's a way, it's a, it's a strategy.

Oh, a wall of attrition when you wear the other side down. That's right. That's where it came from that word. Fair enough, that's fucking apt as well then. I'm worn down until I can give up on this battle. Mate, it's not a battle, why don't frame it as a battle? It's almost there. He just, I just, I just, I didn't know what? I've been hitting my bait pin. It's been helping with the pain. Has it? Yeah. Do you want to go? No, I honestly don't.

Have a go. No, because I take a go. I'll tell you what, you know, I look good with vape pens, they fuck my lungs. And what I don't need to do now is have a witty. A big coughing of fit, yeah. I have a whitey. If I have a witty right now, this episode's fucking over. All right, man. I'm just saying it's an option.

It's not a good option. Oh, I cannot get over how beautiful these clouds are. All right. Bloody hell. All right, words worth. You'll be happy to know, though. What I will say is this. The ball leg is absolutely taking my mind off my bum hole.

Good. because my... Pain killers. That's what we need. Pain killers. Pain killers ain't going to get a big one. Paul, sorry for nudging you again. The next one,

next time we do a big one, we should bring some ibuprofen and ointment stuff. Yeah? You just want to solve my thighs, don't you? I would do it. You would solve my inner thighs.

Yes. If I was aching, I was like, oh, Eli. In a platonically medical way, yes. My balls were chafin and I wanted you to directly. It's never. going to happen, Paul? Oh, I bought it's never going to happen the other day. Or it's

my loving, it's called, by, on Vogue. Oh, yeah. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never gonna happen. Never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's an excellent song. It's a fucking excellent song on Vogue. What's the other one they did as well? I don't know. Power of one was eternal. Hang on. It was that one about... Apparently nothing. Was that then?

I don't think that was. On vogue. Nothing apparently, wasn't it that one? Yeah. She were tight clothing. High-heeled shoes. She doesn't mean that she's a prostitutes. Oh, no, no.

That's Tom Jones. That's not Tom Jones. I think that's on Vogue. Queen of the Night, no. It's something like that. No, that's Whitney Houston Queen of the Night. I'm the Queen of the Night. Your mind off your nuts?

Your mind off your nuts. Yeah, help me sing. Singing helps me take my minds off my nuts, which take the minds off my nuts. bum hole. So we're coming down the other side of Barn Hill. Oh don't mention barns. Barn cake, brown, brown loaf poo. It's very suburban around here but I was impressed with the natural beauty of Barnhill Park. Very nice really nice little oasis of from a lovely view up there because it goes higher. Did you see we weren't we exited the park? Oh yeah. Because Mr.

Chaffnuts needs to get home get his balls on some ice. You could literally get a bag of peas or something put it under your nuts. Would you do that? If you know how to please me, you've got to learn how to free me. I said, free your mind and the rest will follow. That isn't on vogue. That is on vogue. Okay.

Be color blind, no need to swallow. Something like that. Don't be so shallow, is it? Yeah, that's it. Don't be so shallow. Anyway, whatever happened to them? Because they were big. I don't know.

Something did happen, though. I think perhaps some personal tragedy actually. Maybe. Well, we can only suppose at this point and guess. Anyway. It would be good for what it was. It was kind of new jack swinging. It's off the back of that, but not really.

Hip hop-y, sort of samply. Well, no. But salt. Yes, that's what I'm saying. It's singing, but it had a hip-hoppy flavor. This river or the samples. Oh, you know what? Don't give a fuck.

Keep going. I can't stop. Because if I stop, I can't stop now. This is all testicle-based. This has become a testicle-based podcast. The North Avenue Access Ramp. No parking. No swimming strong currents.

Underwater obstructions. But does not tell me what this is. It just says the avenue, mate. The Avenue. Right? That, this is what that was. Yeah. Oh, thank you.

Weildston Brook. It just says the Avenue and yours ramp access. There's a little ramp that goes down. That's where you launch. a boat in case someone falls in and you've got to get a boat down here or something or you've got to dredge it for a corpse there's a little gap under there if you want to get a more angle on it or something I don't know does that work tilt it up a bit at an angle lowering up low yeah that'll do oh yeah there you go that's good isn't it right moving on because

every time I stop and then restart it hurts my balls peel from their skin and then rub against that tender part and uh ouchy happen oh fuck off i'll cut myself how about that oh there's the capital ring sign eli that's good that's a good sign there i think so we're on at least we're on that so let's go ahead and do that i think good oh nice little bike well there's a two to three actually that goes right where I live I think as well not going that way it doesn't I'm just saying that one does it's turning it to it goes Wembley Central but also goes up my neck of the woods no that's in the other direction in it though so it doesn't just showing you from

where it is right now you have to cross the road to worry about that but I don't want to so we are now heading right up this road which is a Carlton Avenue East and this will take us right up the road to Preston Park and then according to that sign another three fucking miles. How? I thought we were nearly there. Do you remember when we left Welsh Harp Recreation Ground

all those days and months ago? And it said five and a half miles there so that means we've done only two and a half miles. All I remember is this walk now. My whole life is gone. It's just my memory starts eight hours ago. It's a pretty intense walk ball. How are you holding up?

Look, I don't want to sound like a... Are we an hour and six now? Yeah, I don't know, you've got the timer, haven't we? All I can tell you is, mate, I have literally started, like, sectioning my brain out to different parts of me. So this one right now is just podcast, Paul. It's just talk in, Mike, walk forward. There's another part of my brain dealing with a chaffing issue right now.

And that one is just, like, trying to blow cold air on my fucking nuts and my thighs. Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm trying not to enjoy it. And my underpants have bunched up into such a way where the fabric is causing almost knife-like slices to the already exposed raw skin. And then there's another part of my brain, mate, that's literally putting both its hands against my bum hole door and holding tight to try and hold back the night. And then there's another part of my brain which is trying to prevent me from understanding how much pain my feet are in.

So right, you know what, I've got a lot of eggs in baskets. Okay, do you want to not talk then? I mean? No, because I'm a maverick broadcaster and I am going to record most of what's left of this fucking walk because as every Jeep show podcast it kind of tails off towards the end.

So that's the plan. Okay then. I'm just going to stop recording now, all right? We're nearly there. Come on more. Right, we've crested Cartwood Avenue east. South Kenton Station is just that way, mate. we're heading

we're going to cross the road here pleating mate I'm so near tears I'm honestly so in tears I'm in so much pace why you enjoying it? Why are you enjoying it because you're such a dick earlier I don't know you've got no chafing going on

I have some but it's under control I've been shape I can't do that race it doesn't oh yeah now let's do that race well I can barely swing my legs forward with confidence oh whatever fuck off

Just, it is your bad idea. It was not my idea. I didn't want to do this walk. No, shut up. I kept saying to you, let's just cheat, mate, and just tell them we've done it and get off and walk around in circles

for a bit of the woods. What was it we said earlier on about you, about you being in a state and blaming me. I don't remember. It's a beautiful sunset. Why don't you just enjoy it? It's hard to enjoy it when my testes

and fires are on fire. No, because I just feel I've got to power through. No, it is beautiful. It's beautiful. Golden light. It's filled with a golden light. A pastel, yeah, dusk. It's a pastel and gold dusk.

What a lovely sight. You're right. It's just... Strathcona Road. I've got to take a photo of that. Yeah, I think that's one of those BT places. What's... Where's what?

Oh, there's one of those places you like, mate, the corrugated iron buildings. Oh, he just did a cum face. He did a proper comers. It is in a... It is in a... Is that gold tile on that building? Yeah, it looks like... It means, that's just glass.

Is it? Yeah, it's just glass. But, like, you're right, it looks like gold shining against the setting sun. It's quite, like, picturesque in a kind of brutalist way, isn't it? So I think we go around this corner now and the station's here.

Actually, you know what? Let me fucking double check. Ah! Oh my God, it's a legit... It's a legit... Yeah. Yeah. ...theid Iron Chapel I've never seen before.

Yeah. Yeah. The one in... Kilburn is my original one. That's still stashed. That's your OG, isn't it? Which is the HMS, whatever, because it's all to do with naval charity, isn't it?

We're not there. We're up there. There's the station? Yeah, it's just up the road up there. Well, we go past it then. And then we go under it to this park. This is a fucking shame. And there's Northwick Park.

See? And then we go up there, and then we're an early home. So we are going to go through the park, yeah? There's some great concrete fencing around here. Shut up. Concrete fencing. No need. Right, so at this point now, we're running off,

we're going to ignore the map. We don't need the map no more. Mate, we don't need the map no more. Right, right now, it's Preston Park, Northwick Park, Harrow on the Hill home. Nice. And then we're done. Get in, me old. Get in, please.

Please. Just please. Oh. They're beautiful. night is. It's a beautiful night for me. I've got a little chafing, but you seem to be having some relatives. I've just, in the last hour, it's really just turned into two knives against my thighs.

Slice. Every step you take, imagine that with me, but with a little slice. Yeah. It's not good, mate. Take a picture of this Holy Communion. I'm glad he will. The Church of the Annunciation. Couldn't even say that, ironically.

Ow! The church of the annunciation? It's also a Windermere Kids thing. Crazy like a fox, Mr. Silverman. Yeah, there's the church in the back. So that must be like a community centre primarily now. The golden light's coming through the windows here.

All the light from the inside out, yeah. Pretty. But on we march, I, this, just for the record. this might be the no it is i think it's the longest walk we've done in one go ever and i think it's apt to four nine nine that it takes us through so many of our history and memories of previous walks i think it's apt that it puts me for a living fucking agony as we inch towards the finish line may come on i'm begging you i am begging you now to stop dawdling because every time i have have to walk back towards you. I'm adding more unnecessary slices. Daughter door. Can I say that? Door to door. Who's you? Your daughter? Daughter door. Is that her name? Like Diana door,

she's your daughter. Diana door to door. Good bit, Paul. Is it? Door to door. Is it Jim Morrison's daughter? Who was called? Door to door. She was the daughter of the doors. Oh, I see. Daughter door. Or is it that song by Clearwater Revival. Credence Clearwater Revival. I got most of it, right? You did. I got most of it, and I think that's the point.

They did a song called Door to Door on their album Mardi Gras, didn't they? No. Yes, they did, and it's awful. It was sung by the bassist. You know that whole album where they had a falling out? Mate, don't you fucking pipe, you cunt. Don't you stop me? Come on.

You have to walk backwards? I have to walk something. Oh, dearie me. I have to walk something. What's become of this podcast, Paul? What has become of it? I don't mean today's episode, specifically. We've bit off more, we've bit off more than we can chew.

I can chew this. This is the thing. Other than my testicles, everything else is manageable. And my thighs, if I didn't have this, I wouldn't be in so much, you know, I wouldn't be in so many complaints. I wouldn't be complaining so much. I can't even speak.

Yeah, I mean, I've got some discomfort in the region, for sure. I'd be lying if I'd said otherwise. But, you know, I'm just vibing. I know. These shoes are good. The shoes are very supportive and springy until the end. To be fair, these flip-flops are got on. I don't feel uncomfortable in him.

It's just, you know, we've been walking for a long time now. Yes, it's going to be some wearing. My feet hurt. You know, my feet hurt. A dull thud. You know, a dull ache. And a bit of muscle tension. from like where my toes have tried to cling to the sandal or whatever.

The truth is we've still got at least 45 minutes to walk. Well actually, maybe half an hour. Maybe we're hitting the half hour. Maybe we're in the last half hour of this now. We can go back to the park that way, Preston Park. There's a sign for it. Well, no, we're not going that way because Northwick Park is where we're going and that's just up here. So, can I tell? I'm going to turn this off.

All right, I'm done now. That's your new. See you in a bit. I'm done now. That's his news, see you in a bit. Yeah, I'm done. I'm just going to turn this off. I've got off fucking done.

I've reached my end of my fucking tether. Go on there. We have finally reached Northwick Park. Our last park on this walk. I am literally walking like I'm wading through water right now. It's a sunset worthy of an epic adventure, the ending. I mean, what a beautiful sky, though. You're taking a picture or two?

Yeah, I've got to, I don't know. Northwick Park, a lovely big open space. Huge big bit of space with railways basically on two sides. Yeah, but you got the... Overground that side. And that's the Met there. Yeah, you can see, look. See the Metray?

No, it's just there. Yeah, they're close but they're not the same because one goes and the other one goes like that. That's right. Anyway, look, the point being is that this space is usually used for students and families because there's a university, medical university, with Northwick as well. open to the public. It's public land, man.

But they use it for sports events and they use it for cricket games and things like that. It's a fantastic resource quite close. This is another thing that really makes where you live particularly, just a great place. You can just get to this in no time. It's fucking lovely, isn't it? No, again, annoyingly, I've only lived. This is the quintessence for me of Metroland. This is the big modernist sort of confuncles rising in the... But again, for me, this is a place where... Shut up and let me fucking finish a sentence. Jesus fucking Christ.

Fuck me. I was going to say, I've only lived in Harrow to close to a decade and this is the first time I've ever been on Northwick Park and it's taken an eight hour fucking walk where my testicles and thighs have been torn asunder to finally enjoy this space. And then I'm not letting you. And then you just go, oh, rocatchezed a rabbit.

Oh, it's that a fucking car. I watch this. It's a fucking dog on a brick. Look at the clouds, look at the grass, look at the trees. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry, okay? Just let me at least finish a sentence before you fill up any more empty space with asinine shit.

It's a terrible habit of mine. Or finishing other people's sentences. And then often being like that. How long? We've got to go then. Woo. We are, look, we're less than half away from the door of my house. See, that's a Met train there.

Yeah. It's been stopped. I've been in that train. coming to do the podcast and not walking from here. There's a lot of trains going to Liverpool and Manchester on that line as well. There's the Bakerloo Line train. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's a busy like nexus of travel. Yes, but that's why I find appealing about it. It's both quite urban, but also quite a lot of nature. Yeah, half piece. As well. I mean, I'm going to offer this suggestion. Before we leave the park, We have one last sit down, smoke and pikes and peepum, you know?

And then, and then it's home time, you know? We've got to go to... And also, mate, I really want to stop walking right now because seriously, I'm so close to like having a primordial scream from my inner... Like, literally my boss to my throat wants to scream. Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Now, Paul...

Every step. Every step I take. Every move I made. This would be good achievement to make. No, this is not me going home, I'm tapping out, mate. This is just me saying, fucking let me stop walking because I've walked non-stop for almost half a day. And for at least a good, I want to take five hours of this walk.

Turned into Dazdiddley and must me? At least half of this walk has been accompanied by the raging fire between my legs. So, well, there's a nice paddy bridge over there and all. Yeah, but that's going the wrong way. Yeah, that takes you to, uh, Vockham County. You ever been to fucking country? I've wanted to check that out, but not...

This is not appropriate, no. This is not the right time. Anytime you're ready to stop, Paul. Just by this little grove of shrubbery. Okay. We'll go over there. There's another crow. Good old crow.

It's a bit ominous. We are losing the light now. Yeah. I mean, what time is it like half fate or something? I don't know. Actually, good look. Let's have a look. Actually, do a time check on your phone.

Actually, we don't need to. We left at one exactly, didn't we? It's pleasant now. It's five to nine. It's actually really lovely now. It's five to nine. So we have walked eight hours. Four of them have been fucking excruciating.

Oh dude. Now, next time to talc or can't you get liquid towel? Maybe. I don't know. You can get lotion for those. Isn't liquid talc can oxymoron to some extent? Yes. But I think there is sort of something that does the job of

talc but comes in liquid form. Spaff. Grobbling scrobes. Gribbly grab splodge, McFloboggin dongflax. Now we're into my favourite stuff in the podcast. My bulls are like catacl flickdarkle. My thighs are so grimidal gadaminal, befabital grew.

Are we sitting here? Here, just here. I just want to sit down here. So we're going to... You're going to be able to get up again? Yes, but I have to stop. Because I'm just... It's just like a metronome of fucking pain

with every stroke of my fucking leg. And I hate to harp on about this because I understand that people... Here's the thing, though. People are listening to this are listening to like a condensed version of my agony. We've got long stretches between chat. You're going to be able to come over to mine tomorrow

to work, do you think? Yes. Yeah? Because I'm going to bomb my balls up good. So take to pan killers as well, maybe. I'm just going to slather him. Ibuprofen lotion. Get some shit on there. I don't have any. Have you got any?

I should have brought some out. Have you got some? Yeah. I think we could have ended this episode with you slathering my nuts. What an opportunity missed. Your thighs. Yeah. Anyway, we're going to sit down and then we're going to go over that way.

But for now, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen of all ages, I just need to take a ballache break. Oh, look, there's a chimney over there where they probably burned people. Right. cool I have positioned my underpants in a way where they now cup and scoop my balls away from my thighs

somewhat for the time being for now it's a temporary fix it's a band-aid over the issue yeah but it is some chaff right at the back yeah at the bum hole size not on the bum hole

just below the bum hole yeah yeah you've got quite like your bum chubby thighs chubby thighs and nice chubby bum but I just thought if I tucked and hoisted then we're good there's a Met Line train going into Harrow on the hill

no it's not it's going into Northwick Park Station can you forget we're not nearly home yet but honestly I think it's when I... It's going to be 40 minutes now I do less more like half the hour I honestly didn't realise the length and breadth of this walk until we saw that sign saying 13 miles to Harrow which was on Parkland Walk which actually does feel like a different day it all honestly doesn't it?

It feels like a lifetime ago. It feels like all I know is this walk. But, yeah, it's an emotional day, mate, for me. My legs are starting to hurt real bad, man. It's been confessional. It's been tetchy. I can feel the fabric slipping. The fabric?

You know, my temporary fix. Yeah. There's a... Come on, keep this. It's just push through. Yeah, no, we're pushing through. A half hour maybe. There's some roustabouts on microscooters.

I hope they're not big boys. They're not big boys. I'd hate this episode to end with big boys giving us a doing. You know, that would suck. Anyway, just so people know, we're walking to the edge of the park now, just pass all the student housing and the new housing build that's going on. As we walk past the station, we go past the hospital, walk up to the roundabout. Under the station.

Under the rail, yeah? Yeah. Read the station. Just keep talking, maybe a sentence. L-N-O-P, L-N-O-P. L-N-O-P, can you see me? L-M-N-O-P, Q-R-S-T. Oh, yeah, the arch has gone red.

The arch of Wembley. And the moon. It's quite beautiful, isn't it? I should take a picture of that, really, shouldn't I? It looks more impressive than the eye than the camera. It does, but I still think I should make a fucking effort. Try it. Hang on, here we go.

Zoom in. Yeah, there. How about that? That's all right, doesn't it? I've got my glasses on. Yeah, you're capturing it. Hang on, I'll just do a night vision one. Hang on, see if that helps.

Which it won't. They've already did it. No fucking difference. Right. Anyway, pretty. You know what? I will say this. It's been a pretty walk.

Yes. You know, when people say London, it's all this and the other. It's actually all the green we've seen, the quiet. Well, it has been quite parched. And look, here, and you can hear the shuffle of dead leaves. It's not autumn, people. No. It's not autumn.

It's because of the heat that those leaves died. Death, the heat of the universe is coming. Get ready, baby. So, yeah, we are in the final stretches of this. We've reached the path, tell them that. Conceptually misguided walk, I think you will all agree. We're on a pathway. We knew you were wrong.

We knew you were wrong, but I wanted to see it through to the end. Door to door, man. I'm going to get a tattoo. Door to door. So maybe call you... Want to do door to door. All right, well, we're going to be door to door. door to door, mate. I promise you, the last thing this, our listeners will hear is the door closing on this episode and my enthusiasm for this episode.

Oh my God, I'm a shell. I am, honestly. There's the line that goes to Marlabone. That leaves from Harrow-a-Hill. 15 minutes to take some Harrow on the hill to Marlabone, just for the record. Yes, and we've been on the ride for eight hours. Yep. This has been, what's the time check? Have you got one? still. I mean, I wouldn't be upset if he said, fuck off, Paul. I don't want to, but I get it. No, I've got it. I know. We shouldn't have stopped. Sorry. I had to stop to look at this. Here we go. What would be doing on the clock? Eight and a half hours. Eight and a half hours. Well, the fucking guide said the whole walk was going to be like 12. Well, we fucking told that, didn't we? Fuck you. Fuck you go jointly. Did we shave three hours off, but we didn't do the actual

route? And actually, actually, If we take off the stoppage time, it's got to be more like seven and a half, I'd say. Yeah. So that's not bad, is it? Considering we've gone over most of North London. We shouldn't take off the stoppage time because we needed the stoppage time for stoppage time. No, but like in a kind of crow flies way. Yeah, okay, we can do the calculation later.

I don't want to do it at all. Can I just remind everyone? We haven't actually exited fucking Northwick Park yet. It's fucking VAT. Yeah. I'm a bit, I'm a bit confused. I'm a bit confused I think we need to go that way

I think we need to go this way mate I tell you why I think if we go this way we come out by the hospital if we go under there we'll start walking away from home and have to go on the city give me the app baby

what's the walking distance to the house to my house without revealing the secret location of where Paul Gannon sex master and international love thronger lives

What are we going? All right, there you go. Tap that in. Beep bot, beep, four hours and seven minutes. Oh, so it is saying it up that way. Wait, wait, pull it back. Pull it back.

I'm not so disagreeing with it. I'm fine to go with it. Because if we cross the rail, that's the main thing. Yeah. Yeah, all right, fuck it. Yeah, fine, fine, fine, fine. We did finish off just now

a video diary that took in some of the route visually. So that'll be available to Patrons first, but then it will eventually be on YouTube sometime in the future, maybe around 500 just to say thank you for everyone's support. I think my legs are going to stop working. I've got pebbles in my shoes. I need a pebble shoe, just chewing.

All right, I'll tell you what. Oh, no, maybe just keep going. Oh, look at this little Northwick Park station tunnel, subway tunnel. Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? I'm really bored of taking pictures. Oh, look, we're still signed for a capital ring. Oh, there you go. Well, only for us.

because obviously you go this way as well on it it's not a one-way system is it is that a picture of me you take one you're a good man and they've actually been off Northwick Park Station so this is actually made from Gerders like iron brew which way do we go straight through

so this is on the Met Line the last stop before Harrow on the hill. There it goes over. Chundley chundle. Not going to get another drink. I think we're all good here. Right. Okay, right. Okay. Well, we're out and we're going to do the last big push. So, come on baby. We can do this easily our most epic walk in a very long while. And you're going to, you're going to listen to the very bitter end. So old tight

bitches, it's fucking rock and roll for Paul and Eli. You think we're beating? Fuck off, you cunt. Fuck, tell them to fuck off Our listeners, if they think we can't do it. If they think we can't do it, then yes. Yeah, tell them to fuck off. Tell them to fuck off now. No off, but fuck off.

You cunt, you sweaty bastard sitting there in your fucking room listen to us Cheap Show and you have the gall to think, oh, these pussies are going to fucking lie and not really do it. Didn't do it. Hey, you're at another fucking point, you fucking cunt listening.

Didn't do a bus either, did we? I bet you when you listen to this at the beginning I bet they have I'm not going to do your voice That's not fair I bet you I bet they're going to take a bus And they totally bottle it

Well yeah we beat you too We beat everyone this year I'm going to go ahead and say it Eli We are the best podcast in the world Easily We didn't win an award did we But you know what award Goodfellers didn't win an award

Did it? Jaws didn't win an award Did it? George won Best Picture Didn't win Best Picture Yes it did Spielberg has not won for Best Picture until Shinders list. So thank you. Fuck, I'm the best podcaster.

And the best podcast. I'm sure George's got one. It might have got like a technical award or something. In terms of like, you know, like the films we all remember. But like... Yes, but the Oscars are... No, but there's my point then, right? So there we go.

Okay, yeah. You've made my point. All right, fine. So we don't need an award. to be the best fucking podcast in the world, and you're going to hear me and Eli get to fucking home, get my own. And they're the fucking end.

But we're going to do it. We're going to do it, and we're going to prove all you people wrong. Turn left into Kenton Road. What other podcasts would tell its listenership to fuck off. No one but cheap show. But we do love you all dearly as well, especially the patrons.

We're not saying fuck off to them. In fact, we're saying we love you more than every other bugger. who listens. Right, that's that bit done. It's ridiculous. It's the holding. But mate, it's just what I'm doing to power my way through. It's fine. We've got

to turn left into Kensington Road up here. Yeah, we will. It's fine. From this point on, I know where we are, so we're all good. All right. All right, boy. All right, boy. About quarter of an hour away now. Yeah, that sounds about right. We're just now entering Harrow. I know where we are. There's going to be a Tesco just there. And then it's a tem.

minute walk up the road. Yep. Mate, what a broken man stands beside you. I know, I'm pretty broken as well, mate. But mate, we've bonded today as brothers on this journey. Yeah, as brothers, yeah. We would become as close as we ever could, my friend, through this intimate, epic walk. This is what, this way, that way, that way, trust me, trust me, trust me.

Do you want to trust me? Yes. Do you want to trust me that way? Trust me. I am a broken man. We're leaving Bonnersfield Lane. You're trying to get home now. You don't need guidance now.

No. I've got me radar, a man on brain is good. Walk forward. A state of sentence. So, hello. I am, this is what I don't. This is why I don't. Oh, mate, I fucking, my brain's fried.

My brain is fried. We're in Harrow now. Hooray, we're in Harrow. Not the center of Harrow. That's behind us over there where the station is. We've managed to slip around and circumnavigate. all the main roads. And so we've come out at the top of Hindrao where Tesco's is.

It's right. Yeah, no, that makes sense. That's why I was wondering where it was going to draw us to. And I kind of surmised it will probably this end of Harrow. But what I don't think, because I don't know as we record this, how long the actual episode's going to be, right? And I also don't know if the listener will understand just how massive this walk has been today, you know?

It was been a long one. The green man, catch the green man. Cross here, it's catch the green man. Ah. But this has been, I mean, we're all, you're feeling it now, are you? Oh yeah. Oh, yeah.

My feet? Numbness and ache in my lower, right leg, do you know what I mean? And you said you had shoulders chafing because of your bag and stuff. And I've, my nuts are like in a kind of holding pattern of pain right now.

And I'm sweaty again. Sweaty. I thought the sweaty would end when we were in Northwood Park and the breeze was up. But no. I think it's just we're out of shape old men walking. No, this way, this way. Trust me. Trust me, trust me, trust me, trust me. So, yeah, we are.

Wait. No, no, no, wait. No. Wait. No. Wait. No. We haven't. No. I know where we're going. It's this way. It's this way. No, it's this way. No, it's this way. way because up this way is Tesco yeah no trust me mate trust me oh now strangers are looking at me as I screamed trust me to him trust me come down this alleyway what okay it's down here you're right yeah just down here trust me just Paul he knows how to get oh it's not it's definitely not

mate honestly 13 minutes trust me trust me 13 minutes 13 minutes Sorry. No, no, no. I'm getting a bit... We're past all sense of mock character, cheap show versions of us. We're now in the... My foot really hurt.

Let's just get home because we've done a podcast with. My point is, yes. I hope we've gotten across in this episode just how fucking stupid an idea this episode was to walk... Door to door. Door to door from where?

Haringay. Haringay to Harrow. H. to H. That's all you need to know. That's all you need to know. And right now, I can literally, can literally smell victory. All right, we are almost right on it now, 10 minutes.

Yeah. Get another drink, but I'm close enough to home now. I'm close enough to home now. So here we go. And there's that old cinema that's been turned into posh housing. Yeah. It was art deco.

It's still a cinema as well. Is it? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know. It shows Bollywood stuff and Asian stuff. Oh, I didn't know they still did. I thought the whole place had been turning to. to flats.

No. Oh, that's kind of cool. No. Metro. That's part of the deal. They could get the flats if they also kept the, you know. Does that mean, though, if you live above it? Like, for like four and a half hours straight,

you could have hear Bangra and shit like that. I hope the soundproofing's decent on those flats. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Because as much as I love a good Bollywood, I also would not like to live in a flat above a Bollywood cinema. They're quite noisy films, aren't they? Because they're all musicals.

Dunker, dunk, dunk, dunk, don't dae, yeah, yeah. And then like lots of outlandish dance sequences and four and half hour films. It's a whole fucking evening out, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know, but when I've been down there, I've seen the advertising films in the...

Cool, no, that's good to know. I thought they'd gutted it and just turned it into flats with like a Costa underneath or something. Yeah. Good to know they didn't. Right, we're on, this is it, mate, literally. Don't pass the Tesco, is it that? No, that goes past the Tesco,

but we're going past up there. We're literally staring at my place. people you might want to stalk me. Oh, I mean, where we are in Hackney right now. Harrogate a Hackney we just walked. Wow, this hotel looks grim. You know what, Chris, for Barshans, I'll make Chris, I think she stayed here when she was doing some film shoots.

And she told me, oh, I'm opposite a place in Tesco near you. And I was like, what, that place? And she went, yeah. And I was like, you're all right. Well, I don't feel safe. But I'm sure it's fine, right, for what it is. It's better than the place you went to that time in Norwich. Anywhere it's better than.

It was a sex hotel, right? It was a brothel. Brothal. It was, you know, Ruffle on the brothel. Not a brothel, just one of those pay, you know, 25 quid for the night. Why didn't Brandoff ever open a range of raffles? Like brothels, but Brandoff ones, brothels.

All right, wait there, that works. Braffles. Brant off, brothels. Brandoff Raffles. Yeah, brothels. Broth, Ruff, Raffles. Broth, brothels. Ruff.

Oh, me, we're so nearly close. Right, in this instance, see it a bit. Go to the door to door, but I'm not recording the next 10 minute walk. We will, one more time. One more time, baby. Come on, all our listeners and riddles, they're cheering us on. They're saying, come on Eli, come on, poor. The marathon is what, twice this, more than twice this in one day running.

Yeah, can you imagine fucking running that? You know, when I hear people are working, well, I'm going to do the marathon next year, I go, oh, that's doable. But then after today, I'm like, I wouldn't run this twice. I don't think I could. I mean, I know you can train and blah, blah, blah, and anyone could potentially. I know people...

That's where they practice by... They build up to it with half marathon. Yeah, no. I mean, God bless all those who do, but sorry to be up brusque, but fuck that noise. We've done over half a marathon. Yes.

But again, we're not doing a marathon, and we're not running it, so it doesn't really compare. Shut up. I'm stopping the recording. Okay. Everybody, yeah, yeah, walk 20,000 miles, yeah. Jeep shows back tonight now, no, no, no, no, no,

Jeep shows back, all right. This is it. Around the corner. Moment's away from Harrow on the Hill house. Away from the Harrow on the Hill House. The second location. I've started to suffer. I don't know how much I've been letting it on over the last few. You've been a brave soldier.

You've been a very brave boy. If chafing wasn't my problem, I'm starting to get blisters on my toes. And my whole leg aching a lot, my right leg. I'll get you a tatty o'am, mate. I'll get you a tat. Just from hitting the pavement again and again, you know? Yeah, I think that's what made the last bit hard. It's been all on pavement almost, you know, if it's not really had that soft spongy give that you need. Of the turf.

Of the turf. the weft and the wharf. Ahead of me, the park, we won't be going in there. We turn on to my road. Hooray. My fucking word. And there I could see

the glimpse of my home, door to door. We've actually walked door to door. So, this is it. This is the last segment. Thoughts, should we not do this again? Let's never do this again. Let's never do anything akin to this again. You know what I mean?

Like, let's not start checking off the sections of the capital ring. Well, you could do one section in a day and that'd be great little episodes you know what I mean? I guess yeah one section's enough that's still enough more than enough but uh we that's how people do it they do a section of like

yeah they complete it you know not do three whole fucking segments in one day just for a gimmick because we said we do it once and then I thought it'd be a good idea for 499 so but I'm glad we've actually achieved it because we actually have gone door to door everyone it has been no cheap door to door

we've walked kind of as the crow flies from my gaff all the way To my gaff. And we are literally... How many miles is that altogether did we say it was? Oh no, it was like 14 miles we've done altogether. Oh yeah, 15, I think we've done today. Yeah, that is considerably more than anything we've ever done.

Because I think the canal, the Regents Canal was what? Eight. Yeah. And I thought that was the longest. Was it 12 or something, the Regents Canal? I don't remember. All I do remember is it didn't put us through hell like this. No.

It felt like... Rather genial. Compared to this. Yeah. Yeah. crazy and we still have to do the as we approach your door yeah we have to look at the timer yes let's do that before we end this episode we are literally at my door now door to door door it's kind of surreal isn't it yeah i kind of feel like this should never have been something we

ever did give us the time give us the time i got my glasses on even though they're steamy and stuff so i i ask you to stop the clock end so yeah what have we got oh we literally literally coming up to it's just shy of nine hours yeah I reckon we could take an hour off all the stoppage time and breaks but that's the late hours I would say more to be honest we stopped for longer than an hour but I stopped for about 15 minutes each time really we stopped like four or five times though didn't we okay an hour an hour let's agree to an hour so on the road seven hour eight hours eight hours yeah because we're just shy of nine walking for eight hours yeah that's a shit stupid fucking

looking idea right door to door mate that is our epic 499th episode walk about adventure harrow harangay to harrow we're cloud we're I'm not gonna keep this going we're just gonna go in so thank you for supporting us on cheap show 500's coming up next have you got your ticket if so there's still time you can go to our website the cheap show if not so if not so it doesn't matter if so that's it if you not get your ticket yet and if not oh you shut up shut up And right near the end, and I don't need this from you. Right, what's I saying?

So if you haven't got a ticket yet for the live show and you want to come, the Cambridgejunction.com.com. UK or the cheapshow.com. Look for cheap show live. Get your ticket. Paul Putner, Nick Helm, Stuart Ashen, Louis King, lots of surprises and guests.

It's going to be a wicked time in Cambridge. Come and join us. Fantastic venue. Fantastic time. We're going to do a Q&A in all sorts. And there's 500 badges. They're great badges. I love you guys. Thanks for coming along with us today.

And even if you can't make it, come and celebrate 500 with us when we release it as a podcast the following week. Right, that's that. Oh, I should say one more important thing because I probably have announced it by the time this goes out. But yeah, after 500, Cheap Show's taking a break for a month. So we're going to be back in October. So I need a break.

And I think after days like this, you can understand why. So, yeah, we'll be back in October. I'm going to take September off so I can have a break. and not do the podcast and do other things for a whole four weeks. So be patient with us. We'll come back roaring to life in October. But thank you for supporting Cheap Show for 11 years, 500 episodes. And thank you, Eli, for being my co-host and confidon throughout.

It's no problem, Paul. Thanks for coming along with this. The journey everyone. We're all dead inside. I love you all. I love you, Paul. I love you, Paul. I love you, Eli.

All right, let's go in. Key in the door to door, Eli. Door to door. Door to door. Here we go. Door to door. in the door it goes key and here we go. See for 500 everyone, bye. Closing the door up.

Done.