CheapShow - Ep 51: Life is Cheap Cheap Cheap

Episode Date: August 17, 2017

This should not have been Episode 51. Noel Edmonds made us do this. We can only apologise profusely and hope you can forgive us... We watched "Cheap Cheap Cheap". For our sins we watched it, so you never have to. This episode begins as a commentary track for Ep01 of "Cheap Cheap Cheap" but quickly and horrifically devolves into something unforgivable. Eli was WAY too ill to sit through an hour of Noel Edmonds and it nearly breakes him. In turn, that nearly breaks Paul too. We will all be sorrier for the experience. We can never apologise enough. All opinions and immature accusations are obviously us taking the piss. Please do not make us lament having to write that last sentence. We feel bad enough. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! You can see pictures and accompanying videos for this episode on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

so this is episode 51 an episode that was never meant to be an episode that we were hoping we could put back a week or two to plot and plan and put something together that was a little bit more coherent but unfortunately noel edmundonds walked into our lives last week and changed everything with his new show on Channel 4, Cheap Cheap Cheap. A show where Noel Edmonds encourages people to look through three items and find out which is the cheapest. Was it similar to the prices shite? Who knows?

I mean, it's not, but, you know, whatever, we can't claim that idea. However, having Noel Edmonds invade our life in such an unorthodox and despicable way with no respect with no response from hat trick we are the true tat and cheap comedy quiz show format podcast show thing ever in the whole world we are claiming that now and so Eli and I sat down last weekend and decided to watch this show, this cheap, cheap, cheap, and decide for ourselves if it was worth our anger. What you're about to hear is that, unedited, apart from one or two instances where I had to take things out because Eli, in a deeply ill fervour, said some things that I don't think

were appropriate at all. So there's a little bit of an edit there, and I took them out or reversed them or did some kind of clever edit. But basically, what you're about to hear is a live, unedited commentary of episode one of Cheap Cheap Cheap. Now, we watched it on the 4OD platform. If you want to watch the episode and listen to this podcast, I'm sure you can by subscribing on 4OD or however you want. If you end up watching an edited version with all the adverts taken out,

there are going to have to be pauses when you watch because we have to watch it with the 4OD ad breaks inserted into the episode. So it runs a full hour for us, but more like 40 odd minutes if you watch it in less legal means, which we do not recommend. Obviously, we recommend you watch it through Channel 4 and 4OD's shitty online interface that makes you sign up. Anyway, basically, I'm rambling, I'm rambling, but we talk for a bit as we try and set things up. But then, when you hear the cash register do its little ting-a-ling-a-ling like this,

you can begin watching the episode. Right, I think that's all out of the way. Again, this is unedited, so it does ramble at times. If you haven't watched the episode, you will not need to specifically watch it to listen along to this podcast because, as you're going to find out, this podcast becomes very light on actual Cheap Cheap Cheap commentary and more on trying to keep Eli's shit together. With that in mind,

oh God, we're so sorry in advance. Here's Cheap Show 51. sorry in advance. Here's Cheap Show 51. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to fucking reset. I love noodles! It's a fact of chiefs though, you're gonna have to fucking reset.

Noodle time! Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? Price of of shite This is for gun and tape Hello Eli Silver Welcome to Cheap Show

There it is Well, there it is What is it? Is episode one up? Yep Right There it is. Well, there it is. What is it? Is episode one up? Yeah. Right. I'm going to ventilate my lung.

I'll fill the audience in on what's going on while you ventilate. So, as you may know, Noel Edmonds currently has a show on Channel 4. Just started as of this week, as of when I'm recording this, as of today, as of Tuesday the 15th as of August, as of 2017 as of what was I talking about? Oh yeah Noah Levinson has a show on channel 4 called Cheap Cheap Cheap, it's a comedy sitcom

sitcom it's a comedy sitcom cum quiz show where people have to guess how cheap things are. It's like the price of shite. But it's not right. It's certainly not right. Hello.

Hello. So this is a cheap show. Not even a special. Can I just say, before we start, Paul? Yes. Edmund. Yeah. He's a, you know know love him or hate him

yeah I hate him he's a cock great broadcaster he's achieved a lot in broadcast media yeah

over the years why are you giving this balance he's a he's a supporter of facial hair in all its forms on men is that why you like him he's kept that tradition alive is that why you like him

because you've both got beards I just think I think we should go in with an open mind. Not with, oh, I hate Edmonds. Edmonds is a cunt. Edmonds is the devil. Baphomet lives in anuses. Edmonds' anuses.

I can't talk. Everyone, I'm a bit under the weather. I might be a bit deranged. I love Edmonds. Yeah, we were recording this in Eli's living room to the ante room to the House of Pickles, but we're not allowed to go in, even though he has got a new bed now. I'm just closing the door over, trying to keep as much sound in as possible.

Because, yeah, right. So we're going to watch episode one of Cheap, Cheapap Cheap and give you a running commentary on what we think. So that's what today's episode of House of the Pickles is about, is it, Paul? Yeah, now, because copyright reasons, I don't know how much we can put on of this show, so we're just going to talk as much as we can over it. That's how I'll have to do it. Right.

So I won't have it very loud, is what you're saying? Yeah, we'll have a little quiet, and we can do snippets of it. God almighty, you are ill. He's very poorly lazing, gentlemen. I'm quite poorly lazing down. He had a long day filming Barshing yesterday. Oh, it hit old man Eli. I had to eat, spoilers, I had to eat mash with nasties in.

Lots of nasties in. Oh, how we laughed. Well, me and Barry anyway, and Ryan. Stuart and you didn't laugh at all. No, because we had to eat shit. it was horrible really horrible right so

here we go are you running it are we going to go let me just say again yeah Paul have an open mind let's just go in

and see what we think yeah we'll be clear alright not just you know not just oh I hate you I can't

right yes I know I'm going to be as balanced as I possibly can ladies and gentlemen here alright not just you know not just oh I hate you I can't right yes I know I'm going to be as balanced as I possibly can ladies and gentlemen we are going to now play

Edmunds Edmunds cheap cheap cheap which may or may not have fucking totally

ripped us off I don't think they have I just think unfortunately look it is like the froth shop

I'm looking at the still image on the 4ID website here. It's more like Brick-a-Brack. Remember the TV show Brick-a-Brack? I don't remember that. Brick-a-Brack was a kid's show on BBC Two back in the 80s, and it had Brian Canton. And the theme was that he owned a Brick-a-Brack shop

full of weird curios who departed, yes, and was not in any way involved in U-Tree let's just get that out of the way just because it needs to be said because you just don't know anyway so the idea was every time he would come in

to open the shop he would go around and it would be themed on a letter so it would be like oh look at this Dirty Dish Mop the Dirty Dish Mop dances alliteration to teach

it's all to teach words that begin with letters it's a word based spelling yeah spelling words that begin with letters yes so and that was lovely but spelling. Yeah. Spelling. Words that begin with letters. Yes. So,

and that was lovely, but it had that bric-a-brac shop, so everything was like ornate and weird. It's like, you know, your touch shelf times a thousand. Sounds great. It was a great show for kids.

And so, this is a bit like that, but for retarded adults. Oh God. Is that what you're saying? We don't know yet. But it does seem to be. It just seems to be.

Oh, I'm already not liking the whole fucking shit eating grins on the faces of Edmonds. Look, he looks like a psycho in this still. Let's read the episode title. Episode one, contestants try to win

£25,000, which we can't offer. We don't offer that. I'll throw in a couple of noodles and maybe you know, as we've said I can do things with my beard and your windows while you're out no

anyway they tried to win £25,000 in Noel Edmonds' general store whilst manager Barry and others ensure that there's never a quiet moment

in this craziest of game shows oh my god is it the craziest of game shows? I'm thinking it's going to be the most crazy show. And the thing is, you know Barry, that character there,

it's Barry from Watford. You know, he hangs around with Angelos Epithemu. Right. So there, you know, he's a proper comedian.

I don't know if the others are comedians or not. I could do the research, but I don't want to. Yeah. Oh, I spat on you. Oh Christ.

Sorry. So they could be actors that Noel Edmonds met at Butlins once and said I don't want to be all cynical I'll give you a TV show love if you want to be in my show cheap cheap cheap it's like I value life imagine use the secret

imagine my penis erect imagine it imagine winning 25,000 pounds I happen to think if you imagine my penis erect it will become erect. Can you stare at it, love? Stare at my penis used to positive...

Positive vibes. So we're off on a very mature note. I think we started well. What I was going to say is it might sound cynical but like someone like, you know,

this Barry sounds like he's sort of like an alternative comedian almost. Sort of like an alternative comedian almost sort of like yeah it's a character obviously

character stuff like Angelos that's why they work together quite well yeah but Angelos was on Shooting Stars he was on Shooting Stars

in fact he's been working with Vic and Bob a lot yeah so that House of Fools which was great do you think

Edmonds is trying to get some of that zany alternative comedy vibe in I think what's happened is that Noel Edmonds has gone, here's my format. I want it to be wacky characters in a shop that I run. And it's also a game show where people guess cheap items.

And the producers have just done this. And the producers have gone, that's great, Noel. But we can't expect you to carry the laughs. So we need to get a proper comedian in. You know, with a character that you can bounce off. Yeah, is that all right? Well, I'm interested in I want to be the funny man

but but that's the problem he wants to be he's got that thing that makes people not funny is he wants to be respected on a certain level yeah

he can't be silly he can't be he can't be the joke he can't be the joke yeah he has to be the joke giver yeah and that's just not funny

in most cases is it it's inherently not yeah it's like trying to be the straight man can't be the joke he has to be the joke giver and that's just not funny in most cases is it it's inherently not it's like trying to be the straight man and the funny man at the same time yeah exactly so

there's that but also I'm wondering about the decision of this guy Barry he doesn't think he's going to come out in the wash quite uncool

do you see what I mean we just don't know we don't know let's have a look do you know let's just watch it let's watch it so if you're watching if you want to watch along with us watch quite uncool. Do you see what I mean? We just don't know. We don't know. Let's have a look. Do you know, let's just watch it. Let's watch it.

So if you're watching, if you want to watch along with us, don't. Press play. Press play. Now. Right. It's very exciting.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh. Parental controls are off, which is good. Oh yeah. That means you watch a lot of... Well, we both went there

via different routes gotta press it again that's stupid isn't it it is stupid press it again right good oh you've gotta sign in

why didn't you see this coming I thought you were well ladies and gentlemen there's a slight setback so I register then yeah just via via your twitter you don't use that

via facebook I'll do oh via facebook you're letting the man come in big twitter you don't use them via facebook oh via facebook you're letting the man come in big brother I don't care you don't care about security and your privacy

what like channel 4 we found that you're wanking and we're channel 4 and what are they going to do why would they

want to know if you're wanking exactly that's my point you're making my point for me no one cares someone could send me footage of me wanking and go give That's my point. You're making my point for me. Good. No one cares.

Someone could send me footage of me wanking, go, give us your money. I'd be like... Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's only if you've got some kind of standing or like a girlfriend that would, you know, damage you. Yeah, I get it. Relatives, in-laws.

Yeah. Or maybe, you know... I've pressed it, Paul. It's not doing anything. I don't know what to say fuck's sake just click it you've got to give your email address

and password oh and then you've got to sign in like that anyway okay watch your email and watch your password Eli J Silverman

at gmail dot com and what is your password? Can you read that out as you type? You can fuck off. This is in the past...

This is a... What am I doing? I don't know. I've had to go to register now. What are you doing? I have to register. Yeah. So I have to do all of this

yes do you know what I fucking hate websites that do this I just want to watch some shit on your website and fucking make a comedic podcast

about it and I'm fucking I have to give them all my shit yeah you do you can you can delete it after this. You can close it down again if you wanted to, and uninstall.

Fucking cunt. Well, this is what we like to call... We were just about to do a good little podcast, and now we're fucking in the woods. Are we fucking in the woods? Are we really? We're not fucking in the woods. We're fucking in the woods.

Right. No, I mean... I know. We're fucking in the woods right no I mean I know we're fucking in the woods there you go I said it right there yeah you got the inflection yeah

acting something you probably better than some other people at but you know it's a spectrum yeah you're on the spectrum mate

anyway at some point we will get on to the commentary of cheap cheap cheap until then password confirm password yes confirm your password which is Anyway, at some point we will get on to the commentary of Cheap Cheap Cheap. Until then... Password, confirm password. Yes, confirm your password, which is CherryBakeBabaBaby92. CherryBakeBabaBaby.

Yeah. It's a good password. All lowercase. Apart from the first B. I've got sniffles. Yeah, you're very poorly. I've got snuffles. Yeah, you're very poorly established at that. But no one's going to send you any get well soon cards. They might.

They might not. They might. No. Please don't send, Eli, anything. Perhaps we should do a show where we do cheap drugs. Cheap flu drugs. Wait, so we'd have to be properly ill though. Yeah, I am.

So, I don't want to be ill. Okay. So why don't you just test one drug at a time and then we'll compile them all together. Well, I'm on the Tesco version of... How effective are they? Exactly the same. That's the thing with generic drugs you know what I mean

it's all the same shit yeah exactly it's all the same shit well there you go which makes people who spend more money on Nurofen like because that's

their brand fucking idiots so that's a life hack if you're interested just buy generic drugs it's the drug it's a chemical they can't tell you

it's got a chemical name and that's that that's what it is it's the same thing down to the you it's it's got a chemical name and that's that that's what it is it's the same thing down to the molecule it's the same thing in the branded pack and the uh the supermarket own brand it is the same identical thing do you see what i mean yeah other things it's like oh you know different manufacturers or whatever they've spent less on the sugar the salt content's different with food and what have you and other things we cover on this show but

that is the height of stupidity oh Neurofen it's not the same if it isn't Neurofen you're a cunt and you you you're one of those people

well there you go what he's basically saying there is don't vaccinate your children Paul I know you believe it What he's basically saying there is don't vaccinate your children. Paul. I know you believe it. I have to give my fucking date of birth. What is this?

You're entering the fucking state of four on demand. I mean, fuck off. They want to know all about you. I just want to watch a fucking one show on your stupid, cunt, fucking... Oh, I'm going delirious honestly I feel all peaky this may this may break Eli

this watching Noel Edmonds what business is it of theirs you know it's a daytime TV show there's no it's taking you longer to scroll down

than it used to doesn't it what are you talking's taking you longer to scroll down than it used to doesn't it what are you talking about when you have to pick your age to my year oh fuck off you have to scroll down a bit further every year

I don't want to tell you my gender you don't have to do you yeah you don't have to tell them it's just gender but your name's Eli let them guess

let them have an educated guess they'd probably come up with Ellie Ellie postcode no do you have to yeah you do fucking fucking hell Guess. Let them have an educated guess. They'd probably come up with LA. LA. Postcode. No. Do you have to? Yeah, you do.

Fucking hell. They want to know everything. Dick size. Mate, do I want to be doing this? Why did Channel 4 want so much shit out of me? I feel like I'm fucking applying for a passport or something. What was that little whine at the end? It was adorable.

I just don't want to be doing this. I've got a headache. It's hot in here now. Just, just please quickly get through this. Choose address. There you go. Now find your number. Oh, my God.

Look at this shit. I'm going to have to fill... You're going to have to fill those boxes in. Just put any old fucking address in. There you go. He's put his address in. We won't reveal it on the podcast, obviously. Don't click that. You don't want that.

And then just keep the click on the next one. Don't get... It says click to don't get FOMO. What does that mean? Oh, then click it. Oh, it's a bit of a trap, that. It's saying if you don't want more bullshit from them in your email box, tick this box.

So tick it. Make sure... It says don't get FOMO. Full stop. Make sure you're the first to know all about... Oh, don't get... ...about all four original series, advanced premieres and exclusive competitions by ticking this box.

So FOMO stands for something? Can't. What does FOMO mean? Keep me signed in. I don't want to be kept signed in either. All right, just register. Let's get on with this. Don't get fucked on moist oil. Oh. All right, we're in.

Fat. Fat. Oblong. Monkey. Oboes. Fucking hell, man. Oh, it doesn't matter. You're in.

It's gone back. You're in. Right, ready. We're in. We're in. Oh, right. I'm swapping hands. I feel like I, you know,

I feel like I've joined now and I should appreciate this. Ready? Can we just do this? Can we stop now? I've had enough now. No, let's do this. This is going to be on forever.

Oh, that's a pleasant sound of you guzzling your green tea. People want to get a nice ambience to know where they are. Do they? Yeah. Well, we're in the kitchen of death. It's not death.

Why cheap? Look, on the C on cheap, they've made it for wonky. I think it's just a font. That's the font for the whole website. Yeah, I think it's just the font style. Edgy. Just press play.

No, it's not. It's not. Anyway. So. Here we go. Anyway. So. Here we go. With no further ado. With every... Keep an open mind about his status as a person, broadcaster and all-round good egg, okay?

He's also a cretin. An otter. An otter? A cretin and otter. Cretin otter. And a buffoon. He's a schlub. Oh, hold me.

It's happening. It's happening. Right, we're going in. We're going in. Is it going to work? I don't know. It's buffering. It's buffering. It's spinning around his neck like he's wearing a fake bow tie. Isn't it? It's like whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

Makes him funnier. He doesn't want to play it, man. Do you think it's just not meant to be? Do it. Do it. Oh, what the fuck? Here we go. Oh. Yep, here's the logo.

Yes, make it big. Make it big. What am I saying? Yeah, the screen. i can't hear it it's fine just need to hear enough lion's gate oh this is a trailer for the film with uh ryan reynolds and samuel l jackson it looks like a romp it's generic it looks like a romp it's the Hitman's Bodyguards this podcast has been brought to you by the Hitman's Bodyguard starring um

Deadpool Deadpool and Captain Shield what's his name in the Marvel films Nick Drake Nick Fury

Nick Fury yeah we got there we know what the kids love right they're starting unless unless this show does begin in Afghanistan, I believe this is an advert for the army.

Click to find where you belong. Well, me and you are not happening in the army. Why not? I could be the general. Go! What? Us in the army. Horrible sitcom idea.

Another fucking advert for some shit yeah but behave do not objectify women do not objectify you went I want to have sex with you

does that make you an object it kind of does yeah a little bit right here we go I'm excited here we go no it's a fucking another

it's a little ident ident mate there's been at least six ads before the fucking show starts it's not very cheap cheap cheap is it no it's a fucking other little... It's a little ident. Ident. Mate, there's been at least six ads before the fucking show starts. It's not very cheap, cheap, cheap, is it? No, it's a bit expensive, expensive, expensive. Expensive.

Buy, buy, buy. Oh, God. Is this going to ever begin? Oh, all right, OK. Drone shot over a marketplace. Isn't that the one in London? Brickaback open the shop is open

with Barry there's the guy he looks like he's dressed exactly like the guy out of Open All Hours yeah Arkwright

Marjana is that meant to be like marijuana oh god I'm not liking this Keith Objobman yeah

gives a wink at a point excellent Kelly sales assistant. She has attitude. She's sassy, I can tell that. And Noel Edmonds, who is definitely not a...

Mate, he's doing something... Oh, my. This already... It's Noel's store. Right, okay. Right, okay. That joke did not land. Oh, round of applause for Noel. Oh, no.

Oh, my God. Oh. So, basically, it's like a little bit of crinkly bottom. What's Noel wearing? Is he wearing a Canadian tuxedo? No, he's not. Noel has some kind of... It's a waistcoat.

It's a waistcoat. Just nothing says dickhead more than what he's wearing. Oh, they're the contestants. Contestants are here. It's a bit supermarket

sweepy, isn't it? Oh, here's another character. Sassy. Right. Oh, God. Don't touch him. Don't touch... No, don't.

This whole sort of play acting is just coming across fucking very stilted and shit, wouldn't you say? Well, I'm giving it a go. I'm giving it a go. This guy is career death. I'm giving it I'm giving it a go I've been giving it this guy his career death I'm sorry I was right Barry it's just like you might come on

he'll be fine he'll be fine right so so he's doing a lot of the heavy work any introduction of what the game format is

meant to be but this is what's going to happen now give him a chance Barry's just breaking the ice stop coughing oh right

explaining the rules you would never own a store like that Noel it would be full of fucking smeg fridges right contestant number one

Right Lovely So now you're blowing your nose on the podcast Charming Right Noel Edmund needs to work on that beard Because I think he needs to go back to the whole goatee thing More than the full beard

Because the full beard makes him He looks like Baphomet He looks like edgy hedgehog. Yeah, you know? So... They're very well turned out. And everyone's in the background looking like it's a real shop.

I like that. Right. Getting to know you. It's a fucking backstory. Come on. It's a fucking plebs. Jesus. It's alright.

Jesus. Calm down, love. Right. Three items. Yeah. Another character. The character's coming. Ha ha ha ha rent boy.

That would be fixed rent. I'm just feeling for these performers, the comedian performers. I'm just feeling for them. I'm feeling a big cringe. A deep cringe in my very loin for them. Do you know what I mean? No, I don't have to react to that.

See? They've set off the bad TV alarm. They're all based on research. That corrective time recording, full details can be... Oh, whatever. Right, so... They've got...

Right. It's a multi-board. Oh. Goes up to 25 grand. Wow. So it's just like another display, just like deal or no deal. And who wants to be a millionaire?

Who fucking gives a shit? He's unlikable. Noel with his unlikable chummy face. His seams. Chummy. Yeah, he's chummy. He's chummy in a way that unlikable chummy face chummy yeah he's chummy he's chummy in a way but forced chummy

yeah like when a sociopath doesn't know how to really react with people so he performs but what comes across is someone who's sort of super rich

and really doesn't sort of spent time around anyone who isn't totally licking his arse in the last 30 years like do you know yeah

so how's that open mind going? Right, so what have they got? Got some beans. Right. Big beans. Right, what else? Organic.

These are not interesting items. No, they're not interesting. No, there's no edge to this. Fucking three fucking different types of fucking beans. Right. Mate, this Barry's jokes are not landing. You can even hear them. They're not landing with the audience.

It's cringing me out, man. It's, you know, just colour. The fucking contestants just looked at each other like, is that going to be funny? I don't know. It's fucking shit. Right. Organic beans.

Baked beans. Tasco. For £250, which one is cheap? Right Organic beans Baked beans Tasco There's the catchphrase Not a very good one is it So what They have to find the cheapest And put the price on it Well it's not going to be Heinz is it

No Because Heinz He's already said it But that's what this fucking moron is fucking saying it's like Sandling

was saying in the last in the 50th it's like you can't just say that one now you can't just go which one do you think is cheapest

that one yeah but that's obviously no I need to think about it yeah give us your working who gives a fuck

well I'm a van man and I drive beans around and I look at beans and I have opinions about beans and sometimes I scratch my head and look at beans. Right. Okay.

Interesting character. Right, so they're going with the Tescos. Yeah. Oh, fucking geniuses. Wait. Right. What was this one, the third team? It was just organic.

No, this attempt at humour. It's irksome in the extreme and already he's getting culty things going on like getting everyone to join in with the clumpy clumpy clumpies 99p

right fair play I reckon that green thing is going to be cheap is that Branston no it's organic innit 62p. Tesco's going to be cheaper.

You hope so. I would pay 40p for the Tesco. Those are Waitrose. Yeah, organic. It's fucking easy. If we're wrong though, Noel's got one on us. 47, I reckon.

32p. There you go. Oh, dear. Right, so that's it that's the game they win 250 pounds oh they're high fiving already Noel's got

this kind of idea of a cult going on where it's like you know well that's the way he does in Deal or No Deal he gets them there the week before

to stay in a in a boot camp in a butlins don't they and they all don't see anyone else and he comes and visits them every night

and gets them to shag each other while he watches I don't know if that's true. And go commit petty theft from the local council for him. I don't know if that's true. Go and steal the papers.

My parking ticket is in the local council town office. Blobby! Or else you'll go down to Blobby! All his stormtroopers are dressed in blobbies. Blob, blob, blob, blob, blob. He sent the marching blobby's in. I see, but he's not going to have any, I don't see any blobby branded stuff,

so he's trying to leave the past behind him, isn't he? He's trying to play. It'd be funnier if blobby came, blob, blob, blob, blob, and like, chinned him. Chinned everyone.

That would be good, you see? Yeah, but. Just a bunch of yes men sitting, yes, yes. So what? They're doing another one so they're doing one until they get knocked out yeah

I think that's it how much they can build yeah maybe right it is three more items I don't know if I can watch much more of this

mate we have to see this through we are here to make sure legally we can process we can proceed with our litigation so candles

candles candles oh see at least with a price you get a variety of weird and wonderful things you do

and it's about it's about the it's about the things themselves it's like Antiques Roadshow we yes we maybe try and find out

a bit more about the item and we don't have to put on a stupid character if we get some false teeth and pretend you're Arkwright. And go, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. I'm bleh, bleh. This is extremely embarrassing for me on a professional level.

Just remember he does have an agent representation and a healthy comedy career. I have an agent. And what do we have? I have representation and... And what do we have? We have... A podcast. Yes.

Just remember that. We appear on a YouTube channel. Yeah, we do. What do we have? We have... A podcast? Yes. Just remember that. We appear on a YouTube channel? Yeah, we do. Just remember that. Right, here we go. Candles. We're still talking about fucking candles.

Look, these are fucking candles. Are they Yankee candles? Because they're posh. One of them's the Yankee candle, I think. See, that looks cheap. Yes, we get it now. Yeah Yes we get it Just say cheap Look at your stupid boot cut trousers And the way he's standing

He looks like someone who's at a fucking line dancing club And can't find a partner And is trying to save face Do you know what I mean That is exactly that pose That is so spot on. What a dickhead. I don't want to dance anyway.

Yeah, I'm just going to stand here in my western style boot cut... Travel candle. Fucking waistcoat. The waistcoated cunt. He likes the reveal, doesn't he? He likes saying... Oh, it's got a little reveal, doesn't it?

Is it? Like the little boxes? It's like the boxes, isn't it? Yeah. Six, nine, you't it? £6.90. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, shit.

Fuck. For £500, is the shit one going to be the shit one? Is it? £85p. It looked very cheap. Oh, double Wi-Fi. the shit won is it 85p of course it is it looked very cheap it looked cheap yay

oh double high fives woohoo well these people want them to lose so they can win money why do they want to high five them oh who's the next character

this is it though isn't it it's the cult that he's building up around the show to have little little routines and little rituals do you know why

I think it's going to fail because Noel Edmonds will gun everyone down in episode 30. There's not enough money. 25 grand is the most you can win. So there's no sort of like,

you know what I mean? But it gives the impression of big money winnings when actually everyone's leaving with maybe a couple of hundred pounds, maybe. But it was much bigger

on the deal or no deal and you could get up to 250 grand, couldn't you? So there's that. These characters, man. Just the fucking stilted comedic acting from these and it gets

it actually gets in the way of the show it might be a bit more interesting if it's just powered through but it's so bad but it is because

it was like right no we've timed the show out it's about 28 minutes and you're booked for 42 oh

comedy characters I think I'll bring something I mean it's just done in the most sort of level one kind of here's a comedy twat

who has a stupid character and let's just check in at the moment I just want to check in on the bitter level readings for us yes they're quite high no they're not

we sound bitter we may sound bitter but I'll tell you something I'm sweet Paul I'm super sweet. I eat melons before I wake up. Right. And then I sniff my own cum.

What? That was nice. You cannot criticise a show for piss poor characters and then say, I sniff my cum. Yeah, well it's my character. It's real. It's real. You don't sniff your cum and you don't eat

anywhere near as many melons as you think you do but that could add something to their wanking experience couldn't it on a real level

so you're saying they can improve this show if Mel Levin's had a wank because I would agree the whole thing

with the characters oh here's Mr. Grumble isn't it yes it is very much here's Mr. Grumble fucking hell, where, where, where, isn't it? Yes, it is very much here's Mr. Grumble. Fucking hell. Oh, I'm quite,

I'm ill. Did I tell you that? Yes, you are. I know. They've got 500 quid. They're going to cock up this because they need to get the next people up.

What's the option now? They're going to bank it? They can bank it and take over 500 quid. Oh, they lose it. If they lose it, they lose everything. Yeah, they lose everything.

Right, okay. Oh, it's character again. Sassy. Oh, I'm here. Oh, it's character again. Sassy. No, I'm in here. You tell me what to do. Sexist. Shut up. He's trying to look at fucking Noel,

trying to act. That's the worst thing. Noel trying to play along. No, he was and he was going, is that a joke about me? Yeah. No, it bears not. She's out.

Wouldn't it be great if he ran this like Trump's fucking White House? He had a new Barry by the end of the week. Barry's not working out. Get Gary in. So what are these Fucking things Fucking lottery tickets Lottery tickets

Ugh Ugh God Cheap cheap cheap Even Compared to our show This is becoming Fucking tedious now

It's extremely tedious We would have moved on To like several Wank jokes And a At least a few Wank jokes And we would have

Eaten some crisps From Thailand Or something And one of us Will be complaining About the other's personal obsessions. What? Oh, mate, the contestant there could not even be bothered. He did almost half a clap.

And then realised he was going to be alone with that clap oh my god so there's the first break we're at the halfway point are

we no we're not third way point I don't know it resumes in three minutes fuck me 50 seconds

that's how many adverts we have to watch and it's the same as the first one it's the same fucking ads so it's not as if

we're getting a variety of adverts either TV sucks ass internet is always ruined by adverts but this is TV I mean if we're getting a variety of adverts either. TV sucks ass. Internet is always ruined by adverts. But this is TV. I mean, if you're watching it on actual TV, you'd have to watch the ads as well.

I know. All right, then. Can we, while the... Can we go back to my scented cum idea? It's not an idea. And we're not going to talk about your scented cum. We are not going to talk about your scented cum. We are not going to talk about your...

In presse. Is that what they call it? When you sum it all up into one little thing? In presse. In presse. Eat a load of fruit and mint. It smells... Can't smell nice. And adds to the afterglow experience. Just say yes or no.

Yes or no, Paul? No? He's not even going to... He's not even giving me an answer. I'm not giving you an answer to that. How dare you? Listen, when a guy's alone, why can't he enjoy the benefit of fragrant ejaculate?

Right, so you're alone in your room and you go, this room smells a bit musty. What I need to do now is have a nice fruit salad and a wank brilliant

it's not brilliant it's the loneliest thing in the world you will fragrance

your room with your fruity melon the more you say it the more I'm liking

the idea honestly you know except correct what you said you get the fruit salad you have it a few days before

because you have to go through your system yeah but there's no way you can set a date you can have an app on your phone when you ate the fruit

and when you should be the optimum time to get the fruit to eat quick eat an apple pineapples are good pineapple

they're meant to be the ones aren't they yeah mate in no way Should you ever treat Your sperm Like Febreze

No It's just a bad idea Sticky airborne Febreze Oh Normal Febreze is airborne Oh You smell nice Is this Jurassic Park

Is it Melanchol No it's not I don't know what this is It's an advert for VR VR yeah It's like oh Oh that kid thinks He was really being attacked

By a dinosaur And it turned out It was computer magic VR. It's like, oh, that kid thinks he was really being attacked by a dinosaur. And it turned out it was computer magic. And of course, whenever you want to do something... Well, you can do that. Is there a VR system for the Android Galaxy? Yeah, you just stick your phone in a... Yeah, that's the one I looked at, yeah. It wasn't bad.

I don't care for VR. I don't really have any real need to use it, really. What would you do in your virtual room? Put it on and just be in another dirty virtual room? Is this guy Colin? What? He's in other ads. That's that Colin guy who was in the...

In the Halifax ads. I know he's in Hotels.com ad. Well, congratulations. He's obviously moved on. What's going on with that? I was worrying about his career. Now at least I know he's in good hands. Fuck me.

How many more adverts to go? One minute. One minute's worth. Jesus Christ. Oh, buy more shit, buy more shit, buy more shit. No wonder we're legally downloading stuff. Right move. Who gives a fuck?

Unless you decide to sponsor this podcast. In which case, you're good, aren't you? Just don't mention paedophiles in the next minute. I'll do my best. right move. Who gives a fuck unless you decide to sponsor this podcast. In which case you're good aren't you. Just don't mention paedophiles in the next minute. I'll do my best to not mention nonces. Such a weird word

as well. Nonce. Yeah. Because when you think about it outside of the context it sounds like a lovely woodland elven character.

It could be. Oh. Do you hear the nonces playing in the woods? It's got a lovely woodland elven character. It could be a... Oh, Hark! Do you hear the nonsense playing in the woods? It's got a silliness to it. Yeah, it sounds. Yeah. And yeah, it's one of the most despicable accents.

Well. What do you mean, well? You're not going to disagree with that statement. I'm not... No, I'm not. No? He's not very well. And this fucking advert continues. God almighty.

Where are we? Ten seconds. Right, here we go. Playing the cello again, because your eyes work. It's the art of the cello. You know, you know, now, you know, just sit back down. You've got your lovely cup of tea. Here, here, here.

And that nice man Edmunds is on. Oh, now we're buffering. Buffering. We get the fucking advert, but we get the show buffering. And then it buffers. Why? Because adverts are more important than the actual content. There we go.

Open. Right. Banter, banter, banter, banter, banter. Oh, no. See, that's a little bit... You know, it's a bit like George Dorsey almost You know it's like Yeah whatever

Yeah You know that kind of Like Catherine Tate thing as well Yeah Whatever Sassy urban chick Well I wasn't going to get into the You know

Ethical side of things I was just talking about Stock character You brought race into this Are we still looking at those Are we still looking at These fucking tickets These two fucking meatheads

Fuck you know I thought that was dealt with. This is a TV equivalent of trying to stretch some chewing gum across a room. Honestly, it is, isn't it? Just pulling at it and pulling at it. But it looks like Noel doesn't even want to be involved in what he's doing. Do you know what I mean? Because he only

thinks he cares. He doesn't know what the word care means. The last emotion he had was that slight moment of shock when that stunt went wrong on the Late Late Breath of the Show. That was 20, 30 years ago. And then his brain was like the Borg it went,

must be that emotion. Blocked it. Fuck. But just for a moment he felt terror. Just for a moment. He's basically getting these contestants to create the content by having some kind of fucking mundane chat about

what the more expensive lottery ticket would be. Do you think in this particular greenhouse we can throw stones? Is our podcast better than this? Well, that's a completely subjective judgment. It's making me wonder about your whole life.

Watching Noel Edmonds this is what we do we do something like this is that what you're thinking it's quite sobering well it's made it be a joyous deconstruction of Noel Cantman now you're just being

very very blunt you're a million that was what lotto ticket so what what does it matter about how much it cost you Very, very blunt. You're a million, that was what? 250. Lotto ticket, so what? What does it matter about how much it cost you to buy a lottery ticket? It doesn't matter. They got it right.

Health lottery, of course it was. Don't give them high fives. Oh, God. Don't you... She got a hug. For what? For being hot. Oh, Jesus. Look at these two lugheads they've got playing.

Now, you see, now you're just casting aspersions based on... Lugheads. Who even says that? You know what I mean? You weren't listening to who they were when they described themselves. They're total fucking gym dickheads, aren't they? Okay. Obvious.

They might like... Just because your body is a fucking... They're like, ooh, yeah, point, gym. Just because your body is a fucking... Ooh, yeah, point, Jim. Just because your body is made up of sacks of hate, overflowing with garbage, built up over years of just misuse. Oh, what's she doing? She's got some kind of fake product.

This is a hilarious bit. She's what? what's her character she's Eastern European yeah oh is she doing the character from Alan Partridge the girlfriend

it's like Alan yeah you know you too yeah oh he's having a crack up. Oh, it's a little bit funny. Noel is human. He's not human. That was like

initiate program 642. Noodles. Right, what's this? Right, down to business. Okay, I'll tell you what. Go on. What have we got here? That's the pot noodles cheapest. No, you're tell you what. Go on. What have we got here? That's the pot

noodles cheapest. No, you're in our house now, mate. Let's see what noodles he's got. They're the most expensive. Pot noodle and

then this. Pardon me, sorry, that's very rude. Do you think the pot noodle? What are these? Bare and naked. So that's organic

eating. Yeah, that's going to be the most expensive. If that's the pot noodle, it's the cheapest. It'll be £1.20, won't it? 109. Most 109, 120. That. Ready to walk are good, aren't they?

I don't know. They're like the ones, they're fresh. They're not dehydrated. So you can just put them straight in. You don't have to boil them. That's nice to know. This is some kind of health food product. Yeah, it's, I mean, I don't know.

They've got no additives or they're gluten-free or whatever. They're going to be costly because they come in a fancy bag. Yeah. And it says Dragon's Den approved as well. Oh, well, then it's going to be over the odds because it's been on the telly. Yeah, it's been on the telly. Are they lifelines oh no these are lifelines

oh lifelines oh fuck off lifelines lifeline is the game show equivalent you know what I think this could

if this had an actual funny presenter yeah like me or you no that's not what I'm saying. And we do not need these comedy characters.

They're just cringeworthy. They're not... There's no reality to them. Do you know what I mean? And they're not absurd enough to be actually funny in that way. They're just... They're pantomime.

Yeah, but they're not enough. It doesn't push it enough. Like in Vic and Bob, it's just so absurd and stupid and ridiculous that it's funny. But it's safe surrealism. Yeah, that's what I mean. You know, it's like... Yeah, but it doesn't push it enough like in Vic and Bob it's just so absurd and stupid and ridiculous that it's funny but it's safe surrealism yeah that's what I mean you know it's like

it's maybe a little bit crazy yeah it doesn't come a little bit crazy it's the equivalent like painting your house all the colours of the rainbow and saying I'm wacky these characters are terrible

I'm just feeling for the performance they brought him in for no reason because he has no he's a new expert is he so they brought in an expert

who's part of the competing he must have another yeah another this is this is unorthodox what

it's one of the tools the lifelines are called tools oh he's a prick as well obviously you don't know him he's an old man right oh right alright don't fucking do it again

it's actually more unpleasant when you do it right so they're going to go with the blue one as the cheapest that's what they're saying this is where they come unstuck isn't it well they might be proven right. That might be a quid. This would be embarrassing for me if I'm wrong about this.

Mate, you... There's selfies. There's selfies on... Her selfies. We get to see her selfies on the... She's doing selfies. This is... I mean, that's very annoying.

How long will that stick last, though? Episode to episode for 29 more episodes. Fucking hell. And they think they must have filmed like eight of these in a go on a day. He should start

Noel Edmonds came in like we start at six o'clock and we end at midnight. Barry! You will come to me. You will fucking blow the Edmonds trumpet.

It's... What's he doing? Blow the Edmunds trumpet. What's he doing? He's trying to be funny. He's trying to be funny by talking to a table. We don't know. This is not just him having a mental breakdown right now. What? Oh, see?

Joel. She calls him Joel Joel Edmonds she's stupid is that why Joel Edmonds is that what men think she's stupid

her character's stupid ignorant a younger generation of ignorant selfie taking airhead yeah like us anyway as I say

they're still talking about the fucking noodles we'd be on to fucking... They're using one of their life tools. Anyway, if he was actually charming and funny, Edmunds, and you get rid of all these fucking extraneous characters, the show would be okay, wouldn't it? I mean, it is just a one-minute show.

The aesthetics is quite nice, of a wacky house of wacky things. But vary it up. It's just so poorly poorly hacked together. The thing is though it's just one of

those. What's that remove the most expensive item. Yeah. We were right there then weren't we. What do they.

Yeah. They remove the posh ones. The Bairnacre. It's Bairn. Oh we're wrong. Aldi's the cheapest. Oh if it was Aldi

I would have said Aldi. I didn't know it was. Aldi's the cheapest. Oh, if it was Aldi, I would have said Aldi. Then it was Aldi brand. Definitely right. That's cheaper. Yeah. Oh, if I'd known it was Aldi brand, I wasn't listening. No, I thought they were like Shawwoods.

Yeah, that's what I thought. They'd definitely be up there at £1.50 or something, wouldn't they? We weren't listening. No. That's our excuse now, right? His fucking fake teeth you're not a big fan of Barry then

even though he's quite popular in comedy in general right so I should fucking lick Barry's dick because I I feel for the man

this is not a good you can see why they got him for it but I think he's restricted under the parameters of what Noel deems safe and wacky

it just doesn't seems like some kind of stock character awful yeah oh Jesus yes they've got

two and a half grand one pound at least for the pot noodles they don't care they're waiting for their next one 109

do you see that I got this exactly right I know how much pot noodles cost everybody okay don't 109 yeah waiting for their next one 109 do you see that I got this exactly right I know how much pot noodles cost everybody okay don't 109 yeah well done but

you just we were wrong we were wrong on the noodle thing weren't we if I'd known we were old I would have said I fucking would have known we would have known

we would have fucking known but we weren't listening I wonder how much equivalent charwoods would cost I bet about 150 I would say 150 yeah so there'd be more

oh here comes another character no he's been on it already he's a misstablish guy oh he's turned the camera off and breaking the fourth wall is he stupid as well this character everyone's stupid

everyone is stupid but no because they're broad stereotypes it's how no sees the world that's the important realisation. This is actually some of the worst TV I've seen in a long, long time. Really? Yeah.

It's really cringey. But this is the thing, though, isn't it? It's like, wacky. It's crazy. It's cringey as fuck. It's like Gary Sandling's show. Was it Gary Sandling when it was like a sitcom and he broke the fourth wall all the time?

Yeah, but that was good. That was well-written comedy. This is just... I'm not complaining about it as a form I'm just saying that this is Noel doing very safe versions of that

these performers doing the characters they just can't they do not have a chance the format isn't giving them a chance to look good

in any way it looks stilted it looks bad the performance is not coming across it's not helping the contestants don't give a shit

about the characters you can tell they're just going when are we on next you know what I mean yeah like Deal or No Deal yeah but there's no actors

in Deal or Don't Deal who do stupid characters there was the banker yeah but you know this is just the banker made real this is Noel's id run amok

yeah it's so bad this is like he went Noel come up with five characters went the bitch the old man,

the young, the clever black. That's how he breaks the world up in his head. Fuck you. They're all stereotypes. The tart. Then he writes the dialogue, cast these for me.

That looks like a bit of a racist ad as well. Oh, we've got more adverts again how long are these adverts on for three and a half fucking minutes again at least a different

ad so how are you feeling at the end of that part I feel almost feverish but I think that's because of my health

generally I have a flu type thing yes don't make the noise I like the noise how is this going

to be a house of pickles this is going to be cheap show 51 I've just decided so it's real time baby it's like 24 beep

but it hasn't got any of our bits in it or anything like that it's got a commentary to this episode and I believe even if you weren't watching along with the episode

you'd enjoy it just as much no you wouldn't I believe so you're losing it mate you're losing it and you're old and you're fat

shut up and you're growing your hair and your beard back and you're old and you're fat shut up and you're growing your hair and your beard back and it's just making you look dirty old again thanks Paul you have to stick it in don't you

you're such a douche bag yeah I'm trying to kill time I don't attack you personally what's going on with you personally you do go on then I don't want to

go on that's behind the curtain oh I don't want to go behind the curtain you attacking my weight is going behind the curtain no I don't want to go behind the curtain. You attacking my weight is going behind the curtain. No one out there who likes me, who thinks about me as I talk,

and tell them I'll nuzzle them. They don't want to know about my weight. They want to imagine I've got... Go on. Finish that thought. Big dick. Lovely. Tankeray, drink responsibly. Yeah, my arse

you've really gone into full fucked off mode oh my god what's that sexy man some perfume oh

sweaty bod oh nightlife in Thailand oh what's going on oh what is this what is going on probably for some aerosol

isn't it or something sports team shabbing a shower they're all going out to perform in some one way or other and doing dance

he's dancing by himself in a studio and they're playing the foot of ball he's doing capoeira on a rooftop oh it's for you back off

who are these cunts eating cheese alright calm down. Oh, seriously Sean. Now you're just having a violent reaction against everything. It's weird. I hate ads. I know you do.

You're making me watch ads. What would you do if you won the lotto? I'd get a cocaine enema the size of a bus. Oh God. And sit on it. And sit on it. And sit on it. I think on it. And sit on it. Until I was dead.

I think Edmunds has won this. What? I think Edmunds has broken us. Edmunds has not won. Edmunds cannot win. He will. Here's cider. Some cider.

He's TV cockroaches. When the great plague comes, he'll crawl out from underneath the couch. He's probably bugging us now. They're monitoring us, Paul. Do you think? He has his own CIA. Well you've got all

angry against Jimmy Mulvavale. How do you say his name? Jiminy Mulvale. Jiminy Mulvavale. Oh. I simply said

Jiminy Mulvavale. I simply said they should bring Noel Hedman's head to us on a stick. Noel Hedman's? Noel Hedman's. That's what I said. said Jiminy Malvalvele I simply said they should bring Noel Hedman's head to us on a stick Noel Hedman's

Noel Hedman's that's what I said hashtag resist Noel Jiminy Malvalvele Jiminy

Malvalvele right we're back we're back in come on here we go 25 seconds

oh fucking hell this is the idea we're gonna have to watch the woman we're back in come on here we go 25 seconds oh fucking hell this is the idea we're going to have to watch the woman with her cello aren't we again that's all

cello impression apparently I never thought I'd be doing one of those weird that's not oh it's a piano otex

that's the stuff you put in your ear to make the wax go oh I thought it was for your eyes to make them well both is it

they do both eardrops yeah you were right well we've advertised them haven't we now on the podcast they're shit for balance

they're probably kiddie fiddlers pod three here's Barry it's on the phone they're filming it's because it's like live

I that felt like a line from They're filming. It's like live. That felt like a line from an award movie then. It's like, gentlemen! You know what? It's not enough money for me to give a shit. There's no peril. It's bullshit. I mean, obviously, 25 grand's a lot of money.

Yeah. You know, two and a half grand's quite a lot of money. But, I mean, it's like... You know what I mean? It just... 25 grand is life- lot of money but I mean it's like you know what I mean it just 25 grand is life changing sort of virgin life changing it would probably

help your life a lot improve on deal or no deal there's all sorts of life changing amounts that you could get like 50 and above I would say

in terms of tension deal or no deal was better definitely because at a minute they could lose

the big number in terms of everything yeah when the banker called it was like I fucking hate you no

you can imagine the banker would go no you can't you think that beard's working I've just bought your waistcoat manufacturing company

I'm going to run into the fucking ground Noel you won't I'm going to be able to get atrocious waistcoats no more

we'll make it impossible for you to have cowboy boots I'm going to run it into the fucking ground, Noel. You won't. I'm going to be able to get atrocious waistcoats no more. We'll make it impossible for you to have cowboy boots. How would you like that, Noel? Anyway, are they still in the game? Did they get it right? Did they? Right, great. God, 5,000 quid now. And what are they evaluating?

Evaluating? What are they getting the price of? Razors. Okay. He's offered them some kind of stupid special nullsy deal. That sounds creepy.

Oh. Just the actors doing the acting is just really giving me the groobies. The grooby-toobies. Alright, good. I'm losing words. I'm losing the will to live watching this show, honestly. Right.

So, no, what do I do when you're talking shit to the guests? I just look. Be in character and mill about. Point at inventory. But don't pull focus. You know what I mean? Not until the designated part of the show where focus needs to be pulled. Yeah, and then

to say something which I've fucking vetoed. What a monster. Not vetoed, the opposite. Okayed. Okayed. I've okayed.

Good. I've okayed this joke. You look stupid in this joke, you. Do not knock the beard he's got a book oh god it's some shit for your face

it's all beard stuff isn't it is it for his tidy beard he knows about beard products doesn't he I don't think he does he should have a range of beard products knows tidy beards yeah it's just

he dyes his face not a good look dyeing your face no he should just keep the front beard he shouldn't have

the big weird a goatee he'd work better with a goatee yeah that's how it used to be yeah the goatees are very very much

he can pull it off though they're not very but they're very unfashionable now, aren't they? Why? Because they make you look like, I don't know, a character from Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I don't know, but goatees just aren't very popular.

But having a big, stupid, wank beard is... Well, nearly. Look, because that beard looks ridiculous because it goes... It's so trim. And it's such a heavy colour. Yeah. And it just looks like

he's wearing a face mask. Yeah, it doesn't look good. Just have a little moustache and a beard. As he grows old he can let the brown out. As he grows old? As he gets older

he can let the hair get greyer like it's already gone grey, you know. So he could relax on the colour and go the way Philip Schofield went

and embrace the grey. Embrace the grey. He seems to have become more moody though, Schofield, over the years. I don't know. I've not spoken to him in a while. No. He won't return my calls. Ever since I went to his wedding and accused the DJ of being a paedophile.

Well, that's the level of comedy you should expect with Cheap Show. Oh, God. Right, so what are they talking about exactly is it boring am I boring are we boring is this whole thing boring

this should be a gut reaction game what's the cheapest that one because the problem is you're more likely to make a mistake by thinking too much about something there's that book isn't there that Malcolm Gladwell wrote

blink about how sometimes you can just look at something and go I know that's fake intuition and he talks about how there's

fine slicing yes you take a very small slice of time and then you can see from that that's what this

should be no it shouldn't it should be they should have characters who work and they shouldn't have Noel and it shouldn't oh should be they should have characters who work and they shouldn't have Noel

and it shouldn't oh god they're using another lifeline because you've got to work you've got to make the most

important decision you'll ever make in your life it's just giving me a headache it's making me think of like sick days

when I was at university basically this show do you know what I mean yeah and like being

forced to just watch some shit and not wanting to right well they're getting rid of the big razor which was obviously the most expensive shows like this

that made me such a cannabis addict is it yeah wasn't me it's not my fault Noel Edmonds you gave my friend

drug problems fact do you know what drug would help with this though ketamine no that wouldn't LSD

no cocaine and whiskey that would be good wouldn't it blam blam every two minutes every time we see

we are not recommending that on Cheap Show no every time Noel speaks fucking do a shot and do a line blam blam

get through it blam what a mighty we do not recommend you do that you will be dead

I don't recommend anything don't look at me you're really losing your shit you really are losing your shit

I'm well I've had a hard week I'm just I've gone from mocking you to being actually genuinely now concerned about your mental health and your physical

status Mate you've left sticky tissue all over your eyes Oh god Oh god It's like your tears are made of snow Oh my god It's a urine detector What do you mean a urine detector?

What's that for? Well, apart from the obvious, I can't remember in what context. What do you mean? What's the obvious? I don't understand. It will detect urine, you fucking moron. Yeah, but in what instance would you need to detect urine? I don't really know what the item was.

Was it the tube or something? Or was it the... Was it like on the floor? I don't understand. If you think there's piss on the floor, just wash the floor. Oh, they're pet things. Fox poo shampoo was the cheapest. Look, they're hooking for no reason.

They don't know each other. And also, those are winning money that they could be winning. I hate them. I'd go, fuck you! Wind it up, mate. Fucking... You know what they used to look like these contestants

Giacomo lads they look like Giacomo models don't they come on they do we should apply for this me and you

on this show it would not work we wouldn't get on and it would be a fucking shit show yeah but I want to do it for that reason I couldn't

I could not keep a straight face and look at Noel and not tell him to fuck off honestly could you I want to do it for that reason. I could not keep a straight face and look at Noel and not tell him to fuck off. Honestly. Could you? I couldn't do it.

No. I'd just be sitting there going, you could spice this up here, Joel. Yeah, you know what I mean? Joel. I'll get in on that joke. I'll get in on that joke. It would be complete, you know, scrooge. What's the word?

Scrooge. Scrooge. Yes. I also couldn't help but try and interact with the characters. You know what I mean? Like, oh, hello. Oh, hello. Oh, you live upstairs, red boy.

Oh, fucking hilarious. I'm Barry. Oh, I've got a fine thing. Where are they taking him? Oh, God. It's another ad break. It's the last one, though. Literally, fuck all happened in that section.

Nothing happened in that section This show is stretching out about 30 seconds worth of content Into an hour I'll be generous and save 10 minutes Into an hour With ads and everything in so Yeah You look haunted

It's really bad We can't even skip these fucking ads Because we're using The service that helps fund it Which I get It's really bad. We can't even skip these fucking ads. Because we're using the service that helps fund it. Which I get. But God, I hate adverts. I'm probably going to get fucking notifications on my phone. Uninstall it then after.

Uninstall it. You like cheap, cheap, cheap. Uninstall it. Do you want to support Noel's visualise a poo programme? And what is a visualise a poo item? Noel hasn't been for a shit, so he's going to think about having a shit for a while. You know, because he does this thing, visualise things, and they will come.

So what you're saying is Noel doesn't actually do anything, but he visualises doing everything. Yeah. So he doesn't go for a poo, he just visualises it. Imagine him being on a very bad TV show that rips off a podcast. Yeah, like he's ripped off our best. He is, he's our massive fan.

He is Rhiannon. That is Noel. Rhiannon is Noel. Who's Rhiannon? Our fan Rhiannon from the Hebrides. Oh, I'm sorry, Rhiannon, for comparing you to Noel Edmonds. I'm comparing, I'm saying you're one and the same person. They're not one and the same person. She is a lady from Scotland who's going to Canada for a bit.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. She is not despot Noel Edmonds, scourge of the TV. Oh, Edmonds. Oh, my God, these adverts. This is another ad. What the... One minute adverts. What the... One minute, 50.

What's this ad for? Another sweaty guy? It's an advert for a sexy man holding a phone and... In fact, he's having a beer. Because he's an alcoholic. That was a fake. Oh, well, there you go. Okay, don't get me started about no alcohol beer.

It's like decaffeinated coffee It's It's stupid Paul What Do you like no No alcohol beer You drink it don't you You love it

No I've never had it It's all very fizzy I've never had it Ooh lovely I love the fizzy Never had it Never had it Never wanted it

Nice Why would you It's like diet coke No I'll just not drink coke If I'm on a diet so cunt fuck it hell

Jesus web sorry I'm sorry you should be oh god it's coming out both ways

you were starting out by saying let's keep an open mind level like five minutes in cunt ears I'm so angry

it's really bad yeah it's great. What I find particularly surprising is the low standard of those characters. Wow, they're so poor. Yes. Stilted. Wooden.

Do you know what I mean? God almighty. There's no sense of anarchy or fun. No, it's not wacky. It's completely choreographed. Random moments. You know? Yeah.

Oh, God. Makeup adverts do my head in as well. Bold, matte lips. I mean, look, it's not for us to sad for. Women have their own problems with and without it in terms of if they wear it out. Oh, what? Am I not allowed look, it's not for us to sad for women have their own problems with and without it in terms of wearing it, if they wear it out. Oh, what, am I not allowed to wear it? Men can wear it if they want to.

And my dog can wear it. And if he wants to. And I can put makeup on the wall. I could use it as paint. You can put makeup really anywhere. Up my arse? Yes. Is that safe No

It's really not safe Right Part four Noel Acting again He's all in blue Right So they've gone for a coffee

Ha ha ha ha ha Which was really Five minutes of Edit point time Oh god Oh, God. They're obviously going to give it another go because they've got one more lifeline left. Tool. Not lifeline.

Tool. Because... No, no. Yeah, I was going to say, he's staring at a mirror going, what do I call these? Why do I keep thinking tool? What do I call this show? Cunt.

Beard cunt. You're putting no effort in that. No. You're really not. I'm sick, I tell you. Yeah, you are. So they're meerkats. These are simples meerkats.

Simples. And there's three of them. That's quite tough to choose. It's prettymarketed.com. Whatever it is. Yeah. They're meerkats. These are simples meerkats. Simples? And there's three of them. That's quite tough to choose. Dirtymarket.com. Whatever it is. Yeah. They're them. Yeah.

He looks like one of them as well, doesn't he? He looks like a meerkat. He must have a share in all these businesses. Noel Edmonds is a dirty meerkat. Which one would you say is cheapest? I don't know, though. I'd have to have a proper look at them. I mean, that looks pretty cheap and nasty,

but also that could be cheapest because it looks like a simple mould with very simple colouring. They're going to charge more if it's got a lawnmower and wheelchair. It's got an accoutrement. What's it called? A wheelbarrow. Thank you. Not a wheelchair.

Or a lawnmower. No. It is a wheelbarrow. Barrowchair? Shut up now. So I don't think it's that one because it looks a bit ornate. Wheelmower No So it's between

These two And I'm not sure Because that middle one The gnome looks Cheaper doesn't it Yeah but the other one Looks like it's More cheap

It's very unadorned Yeah it's very simple It looks like it's Come from a simple mould I'd go for that Do you think so I'm no expert I'm just

That's what I would say Carry that box Barry to the other side of the set now yeah I wouldn't guess they're not guessing they don't even pop in

to give help or be a lifeline take the two and a half grand mate oh is that what they're doing look at him

I'm on next I'm on next I'm a total twat cash they got cash from a cash machine this sounds like a very dodgy business shop look at him I'm on next I'm on next I'm a total twat cash they got cash from a cash machine this sounds like a very dodgy

business shop he runs doesn't sell much gives it away gives money away money laundering yeah money laundering maybe it literally is

because Noel Edmonds funded this probably is you know what is this like a Lossky thing this might be libelous

but I think Edmunds runs child prostitute slavery ring from the basement of his mansion. That was quite the leap and I did not expect

you to go there. And this is all just a front. He has to have to find a way of distracting Interpol from his nefarious

child prostitution ring. Oh God. What the fuck? I know. Mate, I zoned out there for my own good. I was just going to say maybe it's just a front

in terms of like... Oh, look, some ladies. It's like, you know, the producers, they put on a bad show to lose money on purpose. Yes, it's like that. That's what this looks like.

You think this is what Noel Edmonds has done? Like, this is his producers? There must be some kind of tax write-off along the way on this. Don't you think? We don't know. We don't know. We do know. We don't producers. There must be some kind of tax write-off along the way on this. Don't you think? We don't know.

We do know. We don't know. You're talking about intuitive fine slicing. I have a fine slice. I'll take a fine slice of this and I think two words. Can't. Creep. Crook. The three words. Three words. Well, we're just going to say the

views of Eli Silverman do not reflect those of Cheat Show as a whole. Child trafficker. That's what I think. The man's evil. You just have to look at him. You know he's evil. I think we have now literally crossed the line

from mild fake annoyance to absurd annoyance well over what was expected or really needed. It drives you to distraction, this shit, man. He's more likely to... You know? But he won't. Because he doesn't know how to talk and interact with humans.

So he's not one of those. He's a very nice man with a very, very, very Let's not knock Edmunds. No, let's knock him. Fucking can't, no. If you're a fan of

Derek and Clive, you'll have understood that stolen little moment. Little moment. So now there are two ladies. Those guys left with the money. They took five grand rather than guess on the meerkats. And now there are two ladies. Those guys left with the money. They took five grand rather than guess on the meerkats. And now they're getting involved. Would you rather go on this

or Bargain Hunt? Bargain Hunt, Bargain Hunt, Bargain Hunt. Even though it hasn't got David Dickinson on anymore and it has that guy as a bit like... Not David Dickinson. Tim Wallacott, you mean. The one with the gap in his teeth.

Yeah, he's not on it anymore. Oh, no. Who does it now? One of the other experts. The one who's like... Scottish. He was like that. You know that one?

No, I don't. The way you describe him. It's a lovely time. Lovely, lovely. Can I just say, I'm glad you can't see this because this would be a massive trigger warning on a video to see that impression. Anyway, yes, I saw it the other day.

You have lost your fucking mind. He's like a slightly chubby Scottish guy. He used to be one of the experts. But I think Tim Wannacott's health deteriorated, sadly. Because he was great. I love Wannacott with his little expert moment. Bargain Hunt, that's a fucking show, yeah? Yeah.

That's a show. It's a good show. It's a good show. It is. And I'd love to do that. I'd be respectful on that. Let's try and get on.

Let's get on Bargain Hunt and see if we can ace it. Mate, I'd love to. And not have you go, I'll get my bum out right at the very end because that famigé

egg you bought is actually a kinder egg or something. Bum egg. Bum egg. Alright, so Catherine is one and Rhiannon. Catherine and Rhiannon. Rhiannon. egg you bought is actually a kinder egg or something bum egg bum egg alright so Catherine is one and Rhiannon

Rhiannon oi oi oi oi oi oi I don't know right so they have been on for five minutes and the game hasn't

started yet look at this weirdo yeah he's all like look at me look at me looking at you looking at me

right I would just say is the difficulty of that much more than the bottom well it did seem to be can I just go to the top one then we can just get this

done in like that give me one shot to go for 25 grand or not because the outcome would be the same you know bloody hell

oh look cleaning products are the first thing the ladies get yeah what was the first thing the blokes got beans beans men eat are the first thing the ladies get. Yeah. What was the first thing the blokes got? Beans. Beans.

Men eat beans and fart, and the ladies serve the beans to the men, and the ladies are meant to clean. They have the cleaning products. Does that not strike you as just slightly sexist, perhaps by accident? Suggesting that the easiest question on their run will be the one most dedicated to things that women shouldn't. Exactly. Because I deal with it every day because I look after my Dave

and my Dave Oh I'm enjoying all these characters that you're pulling out. Thank you cold and flu tablets for making this show four more interesting than I ever expected it to be. You've done a great job. Okay I'm okay.

Noel Evans, God, he just looks like an impression of himself. Yeah, he's a hollow, hollow man. It's really quite deep. So it's not good. Anything with organic in it or eco is pricey.

What's the other one is Tesco own brand. Pay more for a smaller carbon footprint obviously the Tesco ambulance is going to be the fucking cheapest not always not always

because it's you know what I do when I feel like ill after I've been drinking or something and you know I don't drink a lot yeah

if I feel really nauseous I'll just go sniff Lenore really or you know does that help you yeah because it's a really clean smell

it's fresh that's part of your pika and it's like I'll just smell we told the listeners that you have pika yes I've talked about

pika on the Barshens podcast okay so stop spitting on me but I just think that's part of a pika thing with you maybe

I don't think it is I don't drink it I just sniff it no you don't drink it because the smell is very cleansing and clean so if you like

you know like when you're on a bus and you feel nauseous then you can smell someone's like chicken dinner yeah it's the opposite of that it's like chicken dinner yeah it's the opposite

of that it's like yeah I assume there's definitely a physiological effect from smelling and it works for me it works for me

it's caused many a time for me to evade a vom really you evade the vom yeah because it settles me down

oh £6 for the Lenore yeah to Brown we got it come on Eco £7.99 I don't know I'm just guessing

oh maybe did you get more oh god do you know there's no doors and no windows and no clocks in that building where they film this

it's all artificial light and at some point someone went no Do you know there's no doors and no windows and no clocks in that building where they film this? It's all artificial light. And at some point someone went, no. Who's filming? No one's filming. Oh no, Rhiannon. Is it Tesco? That should be cheaper than £3.50. Yeah.

Of course it is. Of course it is. Oh, shut up. Oh, God, you... Shut up. That was the biggest decision of their life. Oh, God. Yay. Celebrate dumb stereotypes.

Jesus. Oh, snap. Oh, she's a snarky sassy. Wow. Wow. Fucking... You're obviously saying that... Ironically, I'm saying this programme

Is indulging in tokenism That's what I'm fucking saying Yes I know I just don't want you to think That you're angry Actually at the actress In the role I am

How dare you Oh no Young lady You're better than this And you're letting down your side Ladies and gentlemen Generally Because of

Because of The cold flu tablets that Eli's taken today for his illness what do they have in them they don't have anything self imposed this is why he's been

saying some off colour comments for the past hour or so they don't have anything in them I can't apologise enough on behalf of myself and Cheap Show

they've got a little paracetamol that doesn't and I hope this doesn't in any way change our listening figures our relationship with you I hope you know

we're still the same this is it this Cheap Cheap Cheap is the downfall of Cheap Cheap Noel Edmonds this is it we get to episode 51 and that's that

that's it Noel Edmonds has sniped us everyone's gonna not like this it's closed it's done it's finished that was fucking shit

it's outside a horrible car park open boot sale thing Noel Edmonds nearly defeated us that was like staring into the black mirror of light entertainment

that was so Jimmy Mulville Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Mulvillians I think Mulville needs to respond to us

get his face off that screen. I'm closing that window. Get rid of him. Okay. Now, in review. We've watched that. We have. And let's go to you first, Paul.

Yes. What's your overall feeling? We're very close, aren't we? Shut up. Stop getting all weird. My overall feeling is that I don't believe in any respect that that show has any likeness to ours other than the fact that they price cheaper items rather than

expensive, right? That's it. That's fine. But as a concept, it's fine. What makes it interminable is Edmund's shit umbrella and the wet, diuretic slop that falls out underneath him when he goes, I want to go crazy,

but not too crazy. Ten and a half, not eleven. Fucking hell. Yeah, my overall view is... He's a piss wizard. No, that's good. Yeah, the show sucks. The characters...

He's a twat. The funny characters. Fucking hell, man. Honestly, and I'm not just saying this trying to be funny, I do feel, as a performer, in some instances, I feel embarrassed for the performers. I can see the performers. Do you see what I mean?

But if they offered you a job on it? I think I'd have to go, Hello, I'm Little Trampy, the tramp man. Gizzebob. I've been down Tesco car park and I've got a call on the cop. And then Noel Edmonds mocks you and rots you away.

Oh, stinky Trampy Eli! Oh, everybody hold your nose. There's somebody at the door. It's fucking Trampy at McTrapTrap. You've lost your shit. You've really embarrassingly lost your shit. Well, not as embarrassing as that guy Barry must feel.

Tonight, he's like, I have to go out in and do this. Not just tomorrow, the next day, for the next six weeks. He has to go on tour with his mates and not put up with the ribbing. He is going to get ribbed by alternative comedians. And yet he probably does come off the best in it, because he has got that sneery, what the fuck's all this tone. But within those parameters, that's the thing,

within those guidelines. There's no, they can't escape. There's no actual, which something with some class, like Vic and Bob, for example, would have some actual sort of actual

fourth wall breaking sort of, you know, wink to the audience stuff that works. But they can't work there because there's no, there's no reality to the audience stuff that works, but it can't work there because there's no, there's no reality to the, he wants control.

Yeah. And there's no reality to the fiction of the thing in the first place. Everyone knows it. So there's nothing, there's no joy to be had from breaking the fourth wall.

You look at everything he's ever done in his career, Noel Edmonds, right? So late, late breakfast show, Noel's house party, you know, the whole crinkly bottom thing,

deal or no deal. They've all been about deal they've all been about they've all been about creating this kind of community this kind of vision of his world yeah that exists so his his way that

Britain exists you know and it is odd like it got really culty with all the little kind of yay cheering each other and high fives and it's like they want

you off as soon as possible so then they can get on and be on TV for a bit and win money by playing your stupid little game and talking to your wacky characters. So what, those girls

who were the next contestants, they're going to be continuing tomorrow? Today. It's starting right now. Well, no, it's nearly finished for 15 minutes. We're not watching. We've done our duty.

I don't want to ever watch that again. We've done our duty. See, deal or no deal, as much as I hated it, I could watch it and I was like I'd enjoy it more than that put it that way

Deal or No Deal is a masterpiece of tension compared to that which is flabby unfunny drawn out pointless guessing

crap and the way that Noel Edmonds is dressed whereas our shitty guessing is based on the dissection of the minutia yes don't make that noise stop making that noise Our shitty guessing is based on the dissection of the minutia. Yes.

Don't make that noise. Stop making that noise. Yeah. Don't make that noise, please. No one likes it when you make that noise. That'll be my last one. They put up with it. That'll be my last one. Really?

Yeah. So, shall we wrap up? Alright, let's just... Let's go over the main points. Yeah. Do you know what they are? Where I am? Main point one. Edmund's cunt.

Right, okay. I'm not going to argue with that. We don't like him. Retribution! Retribution! How is our good name... Has it been sullied by this? Can we get rep... Retribution Yeah Retribution How How Is our good name Has it been sullied by this

Can we Get repens Recompensents Recomp Re Recompensents Recompense An apology

Yes And some man mans So what We're not going to get money out of Hattrick And Channel 4 because our show money to stay quiet what do we know well we know anything I thought it

was gonna be our take Paul that we're gonna it's a mission to bring down Edmunds is yeah but we'll do it from the inside but how appear on cheap cheap cheap yeah we'll be guests I would

put money against us ever being able to get anywhere near that. So, you're comedians, you have a podcast called Cheap Show. We'll just give that a little listen. Never call here again. Well, yeah, correct. We are not public. We are insurgents

in the war against this kind of light entertainment so called light entertainment no it should be called light as shit it's been an emotional podcast I think you'll all agree it's been live, it's been edgy

it's been probably quite legally troubling for us so I want everyone to state that once again we don't honestly believe They've stolen Cheap show from us It's just very Similar in certain places But thankfully

Vastly different In all the others We think we're Better than Noel Edmonds And we are Well We are Alright

I'll play along You put me and him In a ring You and Edmonds Bare chested I think Physically in a fight I think he could probably have you, Paul. I don't think that's true.

No? I think I could take Edmunds down. You could take Edmunds out? Yes. He's got, he might have robotic implants. Then I'd see them because he's topless. Those fucking cowboy trousers might have fucking high end technology that would fuck you up. No.

The worst I've got is. Mash your hand up. He's got a beard thing. It'd give me a beard rash. Beard missiles.

Yeah. He's got implants in his beard that release poison if you brush it. Yeah. That's why he doesn't kiss women.

So do you think I could have him? Yeah. I think we should both have him. Well that wouldn't be fair on Edmonds. Yeah.

Or bring Jiminy Mulville in. Bring Jiminy Mulville in. Shut up. We'll just move on from that. Mulv-love-love-love. Because one day, it'll be like, oh, Eli,

we've got some really interesting, we want to make a TV show with you. We've got some really interesting ideas. Oh, that's great. Yeah, sit down. Who's talking with us? Jiminy Mulville. Oh, I'll just go now.

You'll have heard this. No. If someone did want me to do a terrible cringeworthy character on some shit TV programme please call my agent

please please please please any final words on that thanks for supporting us on Patreon

all our Patreon supporters you're so in pain he's literally spread out on the couch thank you for everyone who's donated on Patreon thank you very much

and let me just say one more thing Paul we'll be back to our usual Cheap Show shenanigans next episode perhaps with some games perhaps

I'm not letting you do any more talking. That was Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen. You can follow us on Twitter, at TheCheapShowPod, or email us, TheCheapShow, at gmail.com. You can follow me and Eli, at EliSnoid. Yeah, forget it. That's right, that's right, EliSnoid, I'm on Twitter.

At PaulGaddonShow. And if you go to our website Thecheapshow.co.uk You can see pictures And pages Dedicated To the episodes Can I have your pictures

For today's episode? No there's going to be Nothing for this one There's no point What a picture of you Looking prostate What? Prostitute?

No God you've really Fucking just lost The effort Today Haven't you? You've really checked out. I thought we were doing a mini episode.

It's turned into a huge fucking thing. This is one hour, 24 minutes, and I'm not going to edit it. It's going out raw. No, don't send it out raw. It has to be. It has to sync up with the podcast. Give it to them raw. Right, well, I'm not talking to you anymore.

Right, I'm sorry about that. I'm really sorry about your behaviour. I'm really sorry. Oh, forgive me. I'm really sorry. Forgive me. I've been shocked. Forgive me. We're signing off. Bye.

Bye. Bye, thanks. Bye, thank you for listening.