CheapShow - Ep 52: House of Pickles 5

Episode Date: August 31, 2017

We venture onwards with our 5th trip to the House of Pickles, the supposed "mini" episodes that just keep on getting longer and longer! In this new audio adventure, Eli & Paul wax lyrical about the loss of the word "bastard", fail to create two new segments for the show, come up a cropper when they decide to pinch someone else's Life Hacks and Noel Edmonds is given yet more of a verbal beating. Also, Patreon donor Jordan Richards joins the Cheap Chaps for another chat where we discover Eli's fear of Ikea, talk the birth of Barshens, tackle YouTube scumbags and even dip their ignorant toes into Sci-Fi! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

I hate you and your fucking noodle potty. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor How's the big guy? The price of the site This is all guaranteed Hello

Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. They're not going, I know. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. It's a house of pickles with me, Mr Paul Gannon, a squire, and with me... Eli Silverman here in the house of pickles reporting there's flies. Oh, there are flies in your flat that's disgusting there's flies everywhere Paul yeah

they'll be all high and mighty but do they buzz around you though like flies around a turd no they seem to like the cap of that Chinese Red Bull thing that's disturbing your Chinese knock off Red Bull brand yeah but it disturbing. Your Chinese knock-off Red Bull brand.

Yeah, but it's sealed. But they still seem to... Maybe it's the colour. Is it yellow? It's kind of a metallic bronze. Well, what a great start to this podcast. Also, just to let you know, there is some chilli oil

with crispy onion bits in here as well. Oh, that's onion bits in here as well well that's going to attract flies as well god you're filthy no wonder you're lonely and single filthy i just wanted to say because you said oh i introduce it this i'm the only one who's in the house of pickles yeah but the podcast this episode the mini ones are called house of pickles so i can say with accuracy welcome to the house of pickles right without actually being in your fly infested shit i don't paul for one thing what fucking it's a brand yeah so better get on market get on train it's a brand message with the house of pickles yeah

it's not filthy it's just kind of funky in a in a sort of chutney lying around in a filthy way it's funky in a filthy way funky in a sort of sex sweat kind of way no it's not it's in a kind of my old mattress had so much dust and filth in that when we moved it out the flat it left sand castles from all the dead skin, fag ash

and dust just stop fucking, you're tearing the curtain down now. Oh, you and your curtain all of a sudden, your little precious curtain. It's a fourth wall, mate. Right, whatever, the fourth curtain. Anyway, that was Cheap Show. Goodbye.

That's basically a nutshell, really, isn't it? That's what people want. Well, no. There's a lot more that people want. Welcome to another episode of Cheap Show, the micro-episode where we get to speak to a Patreon. Patreon, who has donated a certain amount of money to get the privilege and the chance to talk to us,

and that will be coming up a little bit later in the show, where we speak to a lovely chap called Jordan. Yeah, that's a really nice chap. He was a really nice, lovely bloke, wasn't he? Oh, absolutely. And you remembered his name this time around. Well done. I did, because this is our second goat recording this.

Nice to be prepared, isn't it sometimes, Paul? Nice to be prepared. It is nice. Jordan was a lovely bloke, and he put up with us bickering. He asked some very salient questions and was a jolly enough chap. Anyway, you'll get to hear that a little bit later on in this episode. So, anything interesting going on in your life? No?

Moving on. Just hold your horses, yeah? Just ask the question again. Let's just be respectful, yeah? Mr. Eli Silverman, what is going on in your town in my town i live in london everything's going on here it's not all right i'll say it sensibly i'll ask you to repeat

the fucking question you can't even all right what's guan ask me just the original question not in a jamaican argot all right i'll ask you the original question once again, right now. Thus. Mr. Eli Silverman. Yes, Mr. Paul. What the fuck up, bro? Nothing. I'm doing nothing. Oh, so I was right in the first place then. Yeah. I was right. So all this banter led to the same

outcome of you going, oh, nothing. Back my life. Listen. Listen. Go on. Go on. Go on. You bastard. Look, I'm not... Are you trying to do a Paul impression by just saying bastard?

No. What have we got coming up on the House of Fucking Pickles? You know what? We never say bastard, you and I. We very rarely say the word bastard. It's a nice word. It's a stupid word.

I think you'll probably find, Paul, it's a word that is going out of usage quite generally, I would say. I would say not only did we not say it, that you don't actually hear it as much as you did, let's say, in the 1980s. No, bastard was everywhere in the 1980s, but these days you just don't hear of it. Well, it was a school playground, sort of, you know. It was one of the rude words. It was a naughty word, wasn't it? It still is a naughty word. It's not really. Well, it kind of is. It's not

like cunt, is it? You know what I mean? If I was in school... No, it's not like the C word at all. It's got a different kind of tombra to it. No, it's not about tombra, my friend. It's just not as naughty. It's not as rude. Is, my friend. It's just not as naughty. It's not as rude.

Is it about amplitude? I'm not fucking talking about amplitude. Listen, you need to fucking sort your amplitude knowledge out. Because, you know, this is the second time we're recording this. Because your lack of knowledge of amplitude in real life, in waves, in sound waves, where the term originates. Right, good. Well, congratulations, Mr. Fucking Etymology over there in the corner in the House of Pickles,

covered in flies and shit. Anyway, some words... Yes. Well, there's a theory of linguistic evolution where they say that words sort of compete for similar meanings, and then other words win in the similar way to traits in biological evolution.

You see what I mean? By the way, my pussy might be heard on the radio because I've closed the window to keep the sound in. Right now he's meowing. And there's a certain amount of cruelty to ignoring my cat completely as he whines. He'll fucking get over it. Pathetically in the window. He's just going to have to wait.

He just wants feeding he's such a rubbish cat what would make him a good cat? what would make him a good one? if he fucked off I love my cat, Mr Riley Kins the point I was trying to make is they all do basically the same shit

they fucking go around eat something fuck off for a bit, come back they don't do anything do they really no not really anyway where do we go

yeah bastards out of fashion I'm trying out my cat material I'm doing a stand up night I'm doing cat stuff here we go airline food stuff let's try it out right now ladies and gentlemen

he's come all the way from London for a brand new set tonight ladies and gentlemen please welcome on the comedy stylings of Mr Eli Silverman. Hello. Hello. So, cats, what do they do?

Fuck all. They're all the same. Airlines. I was on Ryanair. That's shit, isn't it god they've got them i've got them paul it's killing right so that's that's not working uh so yeah we've got jordan coming up at the end someone's saying you said that shut up I'm trying to put structure back

Jesus it all got a bit weird Alright yeah it got a bit weird Also I've had to close the curtains on my pussy Because he kept on whining So now he's gone away It's a great episode Right let's crack on with stuff So we have It's a great episode. Back on me. Right, let's crack on with stuff. So, we have...

Yeah, what have we got? What have we got? I'm alright. What have we got? We've got a brand new segment, haven't we? Are we doing that first? Yeah, we're going to get that out of the way because it's a piss poor idea.

You introduce it in a proper way, please, Paul. Yeah? And I'll do that. You introduce it. I've got a way of introducing it. Our brand new segment. Itty Lies Top 5 Prog Rock Bands. It's definitely a shit section.

There we go. Right, next bit. bit all over to you what's the concept of this amazing bit they're made up prog rock band names and it's a weekly chart the top five and for the first time ever on this chart in at number five the Disappointment of Mountains And for the first time ever on this chart, in at number five,

The Disappointment of Mountains. In at number five, at four, Tuesday Posey and the Brown Dandies. You sound desperate, mate. In at three, I know you're making it work. What? I know you're trying to make it work,

but it does sound like a desperate section. You're not letting it breathe. In at number three, this one was Gon's idea. Clitoral dismemberment. I didn't say that. You fucking did. And in at number two.

Druid's muesli. And there's a non-mover at number one. Spunky Cuff. With their hit single, I've Been to the Toilet. Well, I see this as a very successful long running segment of the show tune in next week for different names such as

Lazarus Taxa and the Daughters of the Node it's Eli's shitty top five prog rock fucking bands there we go

bad names you've got to get the word bad names they're not real bands that's the fucking point Paul you didn't mention that prog rock fucking bands. Bad names. You've got to get the word... Bad names. They're not real bands. That's the fucking point, Paul. You didn't mention that in the first... Your weak-ass fucking ukulele intro. Jesus.

Hey, my name is Eli and I do fucking nothing all the time and when I'm asked to come up with segments, this is what I do. I just come up with top five, top three, top ten, shit. What a successful segment and I look forward to seeing it more.

Good. You're not supporting it, Paul. You're not supporting my segment. You know? Yeah, I just think it needed like, I don't know, something. Like, you know, originality. What? The Disappointment disappointment of mountains that's pretty good that you came up with that when we were in boshans didn't you yes so with with with you and stewart

having your little teeheehee don't we come up with the wittiest prog rock bands and you think stewart really likes me doesn't he he really likes me and then you have a bit of a banter no paul look it look, it's called normal human bonding and sociality. Something you don't fucking understand. And so you have to mock people for being friends. And then you think to yourself, oh, if I'm nice

to Stuart, he'll put me in his movie because he's making a second one and I need to be in a proper film. I thought we were going to be in his movie anyway, Paul. I don't know. I mean, he said we're going to be in it. You hinted. It's your obsession. You just don't like me getting on with him. Because, yeah. He's my friend.

He's my friend. He'll never be your friend. All right? Never be your friend. My friend. Do you text him at two in the morning and say, I love you? No, I don't. That would be weird.

Very weird. I do it all the time. And he laughed it off at first but now i think he's concerned yes he is concerned right so anyway carrying on with the show we've got a lovely segment coming up now this is uh something someone pointed out to me on uh the internet and so i put it up on our cheap show facebook page which you can go to by just going to cheap show on facebook you'll find us unless you find the band Cheap Show, which apparently now exists.

I didn't know this. There's a band called Cheap Show. What, they copied our name? No, I think they were going before us, to be fair. We've been when? How long? Bollocks. A couple of years, maybe.

They're American bands. Fucking let's get Edmunds. Let's kidnap Edmunds to make him pay for his plagiarism, and then we'll get some kind of transport, have Edmunds as our sort of torture gimp with fear in his eyes. And then we show him to the cheap show band. We go, you best change your name, son,

if you know what's good for you, because otherwise you're in a bad mood. You know what we could do? Set up a saw-like environment where they're in a room chained and one of them has the key but they don't know which one and it's in their eyes

and they've got to hack out their eyes to find the key to escape otherwise they die. But the joke is, none of them have the key and they all die and Noel Edmonds ends up being the only survivor but it drives him mad.

It drives him mad? I mean, how much worse can you get? He was talking to the furniture on that fucking show. We saw that is true. Do you want to, I found on our website, he's got a radio station called positivity radio where like he has all these channels going up. And one's called one station is dedicated to playing music for your plants.

And it's called positively plants. And I'll read you what it says on his website. It i can't do no ledman's voice obviously but it goes this station uses audio stimulation to aid the growth of your plants over the years different researchers have experimented with music and audio tones as a means to enhance plant growth we have selected a mixture of binaural beats and isochronic tones that have been suggested as the most efficacious. Efficacious? Efficacious. Efficacious.acious oh efficacious in every way as in lily the pink yeah as in effective oh why did you say effective then you wordy beardy bastard right okay anyway he continues in india a scientific paper entitled classical raga a new protein supplement for plants

suggested that the Indian classical music was able to stimulate growth in plants. So our session concludes a lot of classical raga. So place your streaming device or speakers close to your pants, pants, no plants close to your plants. Turn up the volume and see what it does. He probably does. I'm putting it isochronic. Oh, I what effects our selection has on your plants.

Let us know how you get along by emailing us at radio at positivity dot world. It's all new age bollocks, isn't it? And it's cool. And the first... And so, yeah, turn up the volume and see what effect our selection has on your mental health. Yeah, so he has all these different channels.

And apparently, I might be wrong, I might be making this up, but he has one called, I think, like Positively Happy, where basically it's a whole channel of just laughing to make you happy. What? Nightmare. I might be wrong, but I like the idea of just laughing to make you happy. What? Nightmare.

I might be wrong, but I like the idea of Noel sitting in a dark room in a crinkly bottom with speakers up full blast of nothing but laughter. Yeah. And... He probably does it while he's looking at a Google image search of waistcoats. Yeah. And he's looking at beard trimmers and getting all funny. He's looking at beard dye,

the purple face twat. Yeah, just for men. Anyway. You know what's wrong with his beard? It's purple. It's got that purple look. It's the blue rinse of beards, isn't it? Yeah. He's got a blue rinse beard. Anyway, going back to what I initially said about the Facebook page,

I put up a thing there about an article on a website called BoredPanda.com. And it says, people are sharing shitty life tips and they're funny too. So I thought we'd rate them in the same way we would do our own life hacks. Because these are bound to be better than yours, which are awful. Just bad. No, mine are fundamental, mate. Mate, just saying don't buy a dog is not a life hack. Just for the record.

It's an Uber hack. Yeah, well, it's not. Anyway. I can't say Uber anymore. No, because it's a horrible company and no one should work for them or use their services. Anyway, number one is use a toilet seat to put your plate on while watching TV. And there's a picture of a man looking slightly startled.

So, you know the toilet ring that's hanging around his neck and then the lid is flapped out in front of him and the plate's on it. And it kind of works. The sharp edge of the toilet would dig into your neck, wouldn't it? in front of him and the plate's on it and it kind of works. I mean... The sharp edge of the toilet would dig into your neck, wouldn't it? It depends on the one you're using.

Of the inner lip. They've all got a relatively sharp edge on the inner lip, don't they? So you've already got... Not necessarily. ...to either sand that down. Yes, they do. No, sometimes you might get

a nice wooden one with a nice... Well, no, some of them are rounded. Some of them are rounded, yeah. You're right, some of them are rounded. Or you could just put a pillow... Still, it's not that uncomfortable, is it? You could put a pillow round the back of your neck and that might suffice. Why not

just get, like, one of those usherette sort of things where they sell chocolate and cigarettes in old-timey movie halls? Because it's not 1930. Well, it's bullshit as well. And also, you don't want to eat and be reminded of shit. shit like viscerally

reminded of the place that all of your shits have gone but obviously you'd use a clean one not the one you just pulled from your system it doesn't matter it's symbolically unclean well it's symbolically yes you're putting you wouldn't want to eat listen if would you want to eat food off a plate which had a photo, like, photoshopped onto it, pictures of diarrhoea? Yeah, because I'd know it was a photo. I'd make the mental distinction between it. No, you wouldn't want to do that, eat that, day in and day out. You'd start thinking, why am I looking at this nasty, runny, with little nuggets in, diarrhoea, while I'm trying to eat?

No, that's myself why I bought cutlery that was patterned to look like shit. It's a fucking gimmick, like... Well, you're wrong. Anyway. What about a penis? What about if your fork was like a big dildo? If my fork was shaped like a penis, I would still use it to eat food.

I don't see the problem. In fact, I might even enjoy it more. Only if you had to. No, you wouldn't go to the drawer and think, oh, I'll use the dildo fucking cutlery tonight, would you? Not if my family were coming round. You'd avoid it.

It was a special occasion. It would gather dust. Well, it's like one of those dildo cutlery. You know what I'm saying, Paul. I'm not going to use it for... Do you have any novelty cutlery? No. There's no point in novelty cutlery.

Exactly. So now you're agreeing with me. The closest I ever had... The dildo thing would be right out. The closest I ever had was a colour changing spoon that I got free in a box of Rice Krispies. Ah.

Which, to be fair, was a lot of fun. Rate that hack out of five. One. It's bullshit. It's a gimmick. Fuck off.

They'd better get better than this, honestly. This is pure clickbait bullshit. No one does that. No one one you know needs to do that it's bullshit

it's not saving time and let me do anything you just put your food on a fucking plate have you stopped complaining let me do the next one yes right

next one spray your headphones with some Johnson's no more tangled spray when they're tangled so you know that spray people put in their hair to get the tangles out yeah they say used made up there's a picture of it on this website of someone spraying their

headphones with oh yeah johnson's no more tangles i mean again more of a joke than an actual proper hack and just like the last one paul so is that we've got a bunch of tiresome internet comedy to fucking wade through do we hear basically yeah um number four cut your tennis balls in half just taught to store two more balls in each can saving space i've seen this and it's bullshit and god this is lazy journalism fake fucking news paul okay not only have i seen this list before yeah and dismayedly scrolled through it taking a shit and thought that wasn't really worth it but now all of our listeners probably have as well so we're just regurgitating oh god what's at number five? Fucking bullshit this is.

Right, next one. Keep cake moist by eating it all in one sitting. See, again, that's just not even raising a slight smile on my end, Paul. It's just like, oh, we all want to eat loads of cake, don't we? So far, mate, these are much better than your ones ever were. They are fucking not. They might have a certain abstract haiku quality. Might have a poetry, a foundational poetry to them.

A simplicity that goes beyond. Right. Yeah, and opens up. Not this fucking I eat a whole cake. Well, you're in a salty mood today, aren't you? What? Alright, okay. We'll end on this one, which I think

is the strongest one. Bathroom tip. Are you going number two? Well, if you are, discreetly cover up the sound of your poop sounds by continually shrieking at the top of your lungs. Oh, God, it's so tiresome. I don't think that works. You sure? No, it's so tiresome. I don't think that works.

It's so tiresome. You sure? No, it's just boring. It's a boring shit made-up life hack. And you've sullied the whole concept. Right now, you give us a life hack that's better than all of those, and I'll take it all back. Vacuum up flies.

All right, fair take. Fair point. You win that one. You win that round, Silverman. Alright, fair take. Fair point. You win that one. You win that round, Silverman. That's... Yeah. I like the fact... What else have we got?

That was really bad. I like the fact that your inspiration is you just look in your room and go, ah, what shit. Flies. That's a lie, fac. It was a bit of an I love lamp moment. I almost said something about a lamp, actually.

Well, anyway. Anyway. Right. Good. So let's now just fucking... Good research. Christ. Have you caught with the section recently?

And you said my bit with the fucking bad names, Tom. Yes. The one before this. Well, this has been a failure on all levels. So let's just now awkwardly go to our interview and chat with Patreon donor Jordan, as we have a nice little chat with him, which is going to be nice. A nice little chat with Jordan. A nice little chat with Jordan.

Please enjoy this. And before you go, follow us on Twitter at TheCheapShowPod. Go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, for images and extra footage and content and videos. And if you want to get in touch with us with any questions, you can ask us at thecheapshow at gmail.co.uk. What? Paul, you think that was okay, Paul? That'll be fine. As I say, I'll tighten it up in the edit and chop a lot of the stuff that doesn't work,

like the middle 28 minutes. Okay It is time for yet another part of the show Where Eli and I Open our doors up to our Patreon Donors Patrons Every fucking time I know It's an easy word to remember Paul

Because it's actually part of the title of the actual scheme. Isn't it? But anyway, we open our doors up and today we have Mr. Jordan Richards. Hello. Welcome to the show. Hello, hello, thank you. So, Jordan, tell us about yourself. What's your name? Where do you come from? I got really surprised if I said I'd like to know for a minute. So, my name's Jordan, as you said.

I'm from Andover. I think you might know where that is. I believe you live around that area. Yeah, I am based in Cambridge, so Andover's not too far away. Yeah, so that's where I'm from. Is it nice in Andover? I've never been. No.

It's okay. It's okay. It's known for being near everywhere else. It doesn't have much of an identity on its own, does it? Actually, it has Britain. It had Britain's worst workhouse. What, in the

Victorian era? In the Victorian era, yeah. It had the worst workhouse. Oh, you mean like era? In the Victorian era, yeah. It had the worst workhouse. Oh, you mean like where all the kids would go to?

and they used to eat marrow out of all the bones that they froze in the dogs. Apparently, according to Wikipedia, Andover is a town

in the English County of Hampshire. The town is on the River Anton, some 18 miles west of Basingstoke, 15 miles northwest of Winchester, 25 miles

north of the city of Southampton, and 65 miles southwest of London. It is turned with the town of Redon in France, Koch in Germany, and Andover in Massachusetts. No, Koch. G-O-C-H.

It did sound like he said Koch. It did sound like he said Koch It did sound like he said cock You're always saying cock In fact it's not very near Cambridge at all It's on the other side of London Didn't you live near Southampton At one point He was in Southampton

So it's near there Now I'm in Cambridge Although I don't know I'm going to be long in Cambridge for fuck my life. Anyway, so what do you do in Andover if anything?

I don't work in Andover. I work in Bays and Stoke. That's even worse to hear, mate. I'm so sorry to hear about that. I'm a first line analyst at a service desk, so IT. Oh, okay. Fixing people's stuff. What kind of stuff? Techie stuff? Yeah, the computers mainly.

So people call up and go, I can't get Windows 7 working. Eli would call up and say he can't turn on his computer. You'd be lucky. You'd be lucky. You'd be lucky to get a call from me.

I'd fucking smash it. Sorry, the wit has been dulled today. Why? What's wrong with you, Eli, today? I've had a long day and I've just been to Ikea. Is there an Ikea in London? I don't know.

Oh, there certainly is. Oh, there certainly is. Is it Wembley? No, it was Edmonton. Wow. I have no idea where that is. Give it 20 minutes in Ikea, you're starting to fucking lose it, aren't you? I have been close to killing people in Ikea.

Did you get a free pencil and ruler? No. What? You say free, you just nick it. Yeah. Because you're meant to return them, but no one does. Did you get a free pencil and ruler? No. You say free, you just nick it. Because you're meant to return but no one does. I didn't know you had to return it. I think the suggestion's there.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm naive. You idiot. So what did you buy, Eli? I was looking at beds. Oh yeah? Yeah, because this bed's knackered I'm sitting on it now all the use you know Paul

all the sex you didn't have in that bed is that what it is because imaginary sex wears out beds just as quick as real sex so what you're saying is you ruined your bed via vigorous masturbation yes power jack that's what they call it power jack So what you're saying is you ruined your bed via vigorous masturbation. Yes!

Power jack, that's what they call it. Power jack, that is. Yeah. So, to be honest though, I just imagine you got a new bed because it was a manky, dirty, filthy, grotty, horrible, nasty place to sleep. Okay, okay, you know. Yeah, the bed was pretty bad and it's got a new one on the way, so that's cool. And, you know, I hate Ikea, and that's it. That was the first time I've ever been.

That's how undomesticated and wild I am. Yeah. Did you get to the end of the maze and have some Swedish meatballs? No. Yeah, I was going to say that as well. Swedish meatballs or a hot dog. They do ribs. They do ribs right now.

Yeah, I was going to say that as well. They do ribs. They do ribs right now. Or did you get some dime bars? Because when I went to the nearest Ikea, they just had bags and bags of dime bars just scattered everywhere. I fucking hate dime bars. They're shit. What the fuck?

They're stupid. Stupid, brittle. Brittle. It's a brittle and painful. That's the point. Yeah, it's brutal. It's not painful. It's a brittle and painful. That's the point. Yeah, it's brutal. It's not painful. It's a brittle and...

It's only painful if you're sticking up your arse to chew. They're fine. They're just like any other chocolate. It's not fine. I remember when they used to do it in the proper bars. Yeah. Mate, what's more difficult to eat then? A Dime Bar or a Crunchy?

I'm not talking about difficult to eat. I'm talking about pleasantness to eat. Yeah? All right, what's more pleasant to eat than a crunchy or a dime bar? A crunchy. Why? Because it's nicer. It's not a dime bar, which is a fucking abomination. You're a fucking idiot.

Eli, how do you eat your crunchies? Well, I position them with a blue tack on the floor pointing upwards. Then I have a run up and in mid-air I try and get my trousers down so it goes straight up my arse! Then I take it out and give it a bit of a

rinse and then I eat it. Well, I did not expect that to go there. Okay. Sorry. I think you need to have a little think about your humor level right now eli just sticking crunchy bars up your ass yeah that's what people that's what people want paul yeah not like is it small i mean it was quite funny so yeah yeah exactly thank you jordan yes

yes yeah they want small talk about what i don't know what you've been talking about It's just gone fucking in one ear and out the other Come on You don't listen to me ever, I know, I get this now It's fine Stop saying things are fine as well I've had a tough day myself, alright I'm moving house right now, it's unpleasant I've had to book a van

And book storage and speak to men With burly accents telling me I'm a weakling and I can't lift boxes by myself. Well, you can't. How much Ghostbusters stuff have you got to shift? Quite a lot. I'm really panicked about my Ghostbusters LEGO firehouse because it's fragile

and I don't want to have to put it somewhere and then it all breaks. You could build it again, though, can't you? want to have to put it somewhere, and then it all breaks, and then... You could build it again, though, can't you? That's the whole point of Lego, isn't it? I could build it again, you're right. It's just going to be very upsetting if it breaks, and I lose bricks in the process. Let me explain Lego to you. Mate, I fucking know what Lego is. I get the process. Oh, that really... I get...

Oh, I get the idea behind Lego, mate. I'm not saying... So why are you moaning? What are you moaning for, you wimp? I'm not moaning. I'm concerned that my precious firehouse would get damaged or I'd lose bricks in the resulting... Okay, now you're starting to make sense.

If you lose bricks, then you've lost the bricks. That's a problem, yeah? But if it becomes deconstructed, surely that's less's a problem. Yeah? But if it becomes deconstructed, surely that's less of a problem for Lego than almost any other type of toy which would be broken, whereas Lego is just deconstructed.

I'm very tempted to rebuild it and glue it all together and do the whole Will Ferrell thing. What did Will Ferrell do? I was going to ask the same question. Oh, in the Lego movie, he plays the dad, and his whole thing is he doesn't let his kid play with his Lego sets because they're all glued perfectly into place.

You've not seen the Lego movie, have you, Eli? I certainly have. Oh, you have? Yeah, I liked it. I take it all back. I liked it, yeah. No, it's a very good film, but I'm still concerned. So, yeah, everything else is boxed up already I'm not really

too worried about that but I am worried about my firehouse that is my precious thing I nearly had a cry moment I don't have a cry moment Jordan do you have any questions or any points of interest that you'd like to raise to us or with us or any kind of feedback? See, it was kind of hard to think of questions, actually.

But I did think of one, actually. Obviously, I found out about you guys through Barshens because I actually watched quite a lot of um barry and uh stewart on youtube yeah um and then obviously um they plug you plugged a cheap show through that um how did you guys come about to actually work with barry and stewart to did you create bartians with them or was it sort of a uh basically uh stewart came begging on his hands and knees to me he was like paul save my flagging career yeah no i can't i can't sustain that life not for a minute more um um basically long story short um uh he was he was the owner of one of our earlier podcasts our live shows okay uh yeah we used to have this thing

called the Unclickables, you may have seen it yes, I've heard it, yeah so he was on one of those and a lot of his fans came along it was one of our better attended shows wasn't it? yeah, I wonder why that was do you think it was something to do with us?

or do you think it was more to do with him? it was to do with Stuart lots of fans came along and it was more to do with him it was to do with stewart so yeah lots of fans came along and uh it was good yeah yeah and um i met stewart doing a podcast of another friend of mine comedian called richard sandling and you just start working together you start asking favors you start saying if i can do anything for you blah blah blah and then he when we were at a comic con he took me to one side and basically said paul will you fuck off i was like no please no and then he goes all right then me and barry are thinking they're doing a joint channel together yeah would you like to help produce it yeah and i knew nothing

about youtube at all but i instantly said yeah i know everything about youtube how can i help okay so from there it just it was just about finding the right balance because Stuart and Barry didn't know what to do. They'd done a few videos together already I think like they're eating tarantula stuff.

Yeah, I think I remember that actually. Yeah. But they wanted to do something completely different that they're used to from their other channels. Yeah. So yeah,

so I just came in and got Eli involved by doing the cosplay thing and then and then you started I do remember that and then Eli started getting really fucking popular which to this day still gets right on my dick end I don't mind saying that

I do remember the video actually where Eli you just like covered him in tinfoil for the Robocop one that was was a very, very good video. And Eli was standing there emotionless. That was going to be the whole vibe originally, is I was going to be silent. Because I used to do a live comedy show

with my friend Mark Allen called The Humble Quest for Universal Genius. Very good show. And I was mute uh in that I was the glamorous assistant so we were kind of going for that vibe with the early Barshan's videos but then you know the daft thing is the daft thing about that is though I always felt that you were kind of you know not very well utilized as a result I got the idea of you were a thick you know you were a mute assistant, but I kind of knew you could offer

more, so I was kind of pressuring Stuart to some extent to get more out of Eli anyway. And I think it really did benefit everyone in the end. Yeah. Yeah, I'm glad. I'm glad. But those actual videos, the what's it, Poor Man's Cosplay they were called.

Yeah. They got axed, didn't they, from the show because they had less views. And Stuart's very meticulous with his view counting, isn't he? I think he was more disappointed they weren't as popular as we thought they were going to be, and yet they were some of our favourite videos to make. I don't think we'll ever can it. We might bring it back every now and then when we've got a good idea, but

yeah, by and large, people never went for it, and it was always surprising that, because I thought that would have been a strong one. Jordan, who would you like to see me cosplaying for no money? For no money? Hmm. Wonder Woman. Yeah, I'd love to do that. God, I'd love to do that. That would be very

fitting, I think. Yes. Oh, that's made me tense a little bit. I was imagining that. There's a party downstairs. Oh, there's a party upstairs as well. There's a party on every floor of my body and everyone's ejaculating. It's a great party.

So, yeah, I'd do that, but wouldn't it get all the feminists up in arms? Oh, God, all the furries. You have already pissed the furries off. You're not allowed to cross Jess as a joke anymore, are you? Well, no. I mean, look.

When it comes to humour, there aren't really any taboos but it's about context, isn't it? I think there's some taboos where it comes to humour, Paul. Well, yeah, I'm not going to get you to black up and eat a watermelon and go, oh, guana or whatever it is and then make that for me. I'm not obviously going to use that. Oh, guana?

I don't know. I don't know. Oh my god. Okay. I'm just saying, we're not obviously going to do that kind of comedy, but I don't think you in a dress is inherently offensive. I mean, it is offensive but only to the eyes.

You do get the point I'm making, though, Paul. It's not as clear as it used to be. It's not, but I do think ultimately it is all about context at the end of the day. And I think if you can justify a gag within the context of what you're doing and it isn't just a base gag just for shock or just to be edgy or just to be dark, then I think it's you know just as good to use as any other kind of guy okay so wonder woman's on the list any any others jordan um cat woman yeah god what is it with women me and women i don't know seeing you dressed up as women would

be uh quite funny so okay yeah um yeah more eli as women can i also say as well on the whole subject of bartians yeah is that is that I'm beginning to think I should be in them less because no one fucking likes me in any episode and there's another one coming out this week that also has me in so I already know that there's going to be so many complaints I have to read this out to you because I've tried to stop reading the YouTube

comments as a result because I get involved and I shouldn't but this one person wrote a comment on the latest video where it was kind of result because I get involved and I shouldn't but this one person wrote a comment on the latest video where it was kind of the cheap show takeover price of shite we did have you read this comment Eli

okay so I'll read it out anyway I don't know if it's a woman or a gentleman but I'll read it out anyway it goes yet another Barshans where Barry is not there this could be the end of Barshans as we know it, folks. Looks like Barry has seen the light and realised where Barshens is now heading. It was a brilliant concept, destroyed by Eli, Paul and the others

who completely spoiled the initial concept of what it once was. A brilliant channel with two perfectly matched presenters. Even Stuart looks like he can't be bothered anymore. Barshens is dead. Well, what's his handle, this guy? Well, the person's called Yogi Bear. Yogi Bear? Fucking hell.

If that's the level of fucking, you know, inspiration this guy's got, some kind of stupid cartoon, it's always the bloody same. He likes formula. He likes formulaic things which are safe. This guy's a daily mail reader and make no bones about it.

Daily fail. But all the comments underneath were interesting because he was saying, one guy said, what are you talking about? Of course Barry isn't in this one. They filmed four episodes in a batch and he wasn't in the studio

so they got other people in. It wasn't that he left. And so then I got involved, and I wrote like a 350-word reply. Oh, dear. Where I called him a cretin and an idiot. And I said, if you don't like it, why don't you piss off to PewDiePie's channel

and watch a grown man scream at crap horror games and make tasteless gags about someone's sex, race, or religion? I mean, they're all very true points. Yeah, good points, Paul. Very good points. There's something weird about YouTube commentators where they feel like they have the inside skinny on what's going on behind the scenes. And they're all kind of like, yeah, I know what's going on. Barry's unhappy with the channel and Stuart hates Eli and Paul.

And it's not the same as it used to be. And I'm thinking, thinking yeah but they're bored of their own channels I rephrase that, they're not bored of their own channels, they do what they do on their own channels they use Barshens as an excuse to do something completely different. Personally I think the channel has

become more entertaining with the addition of you and Eli Thank you, say more nice things while I touch myself. Do it now. I can't do it. I can't. Just say I'm good. Tell me I'm good. You're good, Paul. Not everyone hates you.

No. Only 99% of the people. People. Breaks my heart, though, because I put a lot of effort and love in and people think I'm the one ruining it and it makes me sad. This is very confessional today for me. I'm feeling quite emotionally raw.

Maybe it's your Lego. Maybe it's my Lego set me off. Maybe that's it. Actually that's it in a nutshell. Are you also into sci-fi? I am very much so, yes. So what do you reckon about this new Luke Besson film? Is it going to be worth seeing in the cinema or not?

Valerian. Valerian, yeah. I don't think I've actually... Oh, I saw the trailer of it, actually. What did you think? I don't know. It sort of reminds me of that movie that had Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum in it.

I can't remember the name of. Jupiter Rising. Oh, yeah. Jupiter Ascending. Yeah, that's the one. Which was made by the Matrix. The Matrix ladies. Yeah.

Ex-men ladies. Only one of them is a lady now. What? He's gone back? No, no. One of them has never changed gender. I thought they both changed gender. No, they didn't, did they?

They did. Only one of them did. They both did. Right. I thought they were just... Stop Googling and just rely on your memory. Just take it from me. Okay, Google.

The Wachowski sisters. Julie Wachowski's sisters are Lana Wachowski, Julie Wachowski and Laura Wachowski. Well, there's three of them now, apparently. Okay. Yeah. I thought there was two. Did they both change?

Yes. I knew one of them did. They both did. Apparently, that was really bad, GPD Rescinding. It was okay. It was dumb. It was all, yeah. It was frothy fun.

I like, you know, my sci-fi a bit more toothsome. Like Under the Skin, have you seen that? I've not, I've not even heard of that. What's that? It's with Scarlett Johansson. Oh yeah. It's on Netflix. Honestly, I highly recommend it. Because she gets naked in it, doesn't she?

That's not the only thing about it though. What was the name of that movie again? I'll type it down. Under the Skin. Honestly, it is excellent. What was the name of that movie again? I'll type it down. Under the Skin. Honestly, it is excellent. Yeah, it is excellent. Eli, what do you make of the sequel to Blade Runner? It's going to be shit. Great.

It's going to be shit. If there's one film in the whole canon of classic sci-fi that you can't do a sequel to yeah well you know what these the trailer kind of i think the trailer spoils a big reveal in the um for the sequel that it basically confirms that deckard was an android or simulant or whatever it is that he's meant to be of course they're going to do that what they've done with alien where it's like oh you know all that kind of mysterious stuff that made the film so great because it was nuanced and had a sort of mystery at the heart of it. We're going to totally destroy that.

That's what prequels do. They ruin everything. They tell you... They make like Halloween remake where it was like, remember Michael Myers, that weird bogeyman who just like was scary because he didn't know what he was up to? Well, now he has a tortured backstory and he was brought up by rednecks and

abused and went mad and like masks and explains why he liked masks and it's like i just it was scarier when you didn't know why he was doing the things he was doing for sure anyway fuck me off i am definitely looking forward to uh to the new star wars movie that's gonna be definitely a watch i think it'll be fine I enjoy Star Wars but I'm not into it I think from my point of view

it's like a lot of people love it around the world I'm kind of done with it but I've yet to see a bad Star Wars film you know ultimately

there's never been an awful one I mean that's actually I take that back actually because I forgot the prequels all three of the prequels yeah so that's completely wrong I forgot they existed

I literally forgot they existed then for a minute that was so crazy yeah and then like and then like like like um a vietnam flashback it was like oh no no yeah attack of the clones the least watchable film of all time although attack of the clones is actually probably one of my favorite like eras of uh of Wars universe I whole like you know you know the Clone Wars is very interesting to me so yeah that's the extended universe right but not that film surely Jordan not well I I that car series actually very good as well yes yeah brilliant I think I did Samurai Jack yeah I remember

playing the missions on Battlefront 2 back in the day and that was very yeah I used to play as a kid so it was quite cool so right okay do you know what I went to see

Rogue One in the cinema with my good friend Virgil it's become a little tradition now because they're going to release Star Wars films at Christmas every year aren't they now basically, that's it so we saw Force Awakens the year before

and then we saw, you know, the end of last year we saw Rogue One and I turned to him at the end and I said yeah, you know, I enjoyed it but didn't like that computer generated Peter Cushing andushing and he's like what i didn't notice anything yeah i had a lot of people um didn't notice that and for me it's quite it's quite obvious but yeah did you notice that carrie fisher was obviously yeah she was also cgi wasn't she as

well yeah she looked like a shiny robot face. She looked like a high-end Japanese sex doll. Yeah, I don't think they spent as much time on the Carrie Fisher CGI as they did. No. No, they were like, ah, fuck it. It was literally for about 10 seconds of screen time, wasn't it? Yeah, which is fair enough. So, Eli, does that mean I can come with you and Virgil to see The Last Jedi? Yeah.

It won't be ruining your little tradition? Absolutely not. Let's make it a little thing. Let's expand this. Do I sit in between you both? Well, why? But yes. I mean, if you want. It will ruin our mutual masturbation session.

Well, no, because Paul can hand each side. I can go, because Paul can hand each side, so. He fucking can't. I can go skiing, yeah. I'll tell you what, he fucking can't, he won't, and he never will. Well, let's not completely block that suggestion. Let's leave the opportunity open.

If I was in underwater, my bollocks were full of air, and the only way of getting it out was by you pumping it. I still wouldn't know. What if, okay, what if, Eli, we were both on the water and my penis had oxygen tank in it and you could breathe on the

water by sucking on the air, would you? Yeah, if for some reason my penis gives out oxygen, would you? No, I'd drown and I'd look at you. You would rather drown. I would drown and my eyes would be looking at you. And forever. Okay.

As I drifted off into the depths, my eyes looking at you. With that look. I will never wank you. No, you don't have to wank me. You've just got to suck it. Okay. Okay. And as you float away, I see that you've got your arms crossed

really stubbornly as you float towards your death. Yes, that's right. I would rather die. Mate, just so you know, if the roles were reversed, I would gladly

suck on your meat pipe for oxygen. Okay. And I would probably give you a little bit of a cuddle as well because it would mean a lot to me.

Well, that's very nice. Very nice. Anyway, any final thoughts, Jordan, before we kill this beast? I don't think I do, no. I think that's everything. Alright, cool, man.

In that case, we will call time on yet another Patreon, patron, cheap show. He did it right! And just one last thing, Paul. Yeah? Yeah. Go on.

But why do you have to say fine? You say fine all the time. All the time. And it's like your way of saying meh. You say fine. Fine. I'd rather say fine than meh. Well, just don't have that emotion.

Fine. I won't. Okay. Right. You did just say fine right you did you did yeah i know i did that because i'm a wacky guy is anything you want to i kind of feel compelled to say jordan's anyone you want to say hello to like it's on breakfast tv now come on give us a shout jordan yeah give it a shout um yeah oh i, I don't know. Anyone? It's a tough one, isn't it? I would just like to say, as a blanket statement, hello to all the Cheap Show slash Barshens fans.

Yeah! And it's now official, Eli, because you don't know this, because you don't go on Twitter, so you don't get involved. But now fans of Cheap Show are called Cheapskates. Cheapskates. I like that. That's cool yeah yeah i did actually have another question before you guys go all right let's do this then

we can do it uh when are you guys next going to be at comic-con in london i think we're aiming for october we can't promise it because mcm is notoriously flighty when it comes to its booking policy okay and usually we don't know for certain if we're doing it until about two weeks beforehand because MCM is notoriously flighty when it comes to its booking policy. Okay. And usually we don't know for certain if we're doing it until like two weeks beforehand. Yeah. But Stuart is. Again, I can't speak for Stuart,

but Stuart is planning on being there in October to help promote his new book. And if that happens, we'll get Barry down and we'll do Barshens live. That's cool. You won't have a showing at silly o'clock in the morning again. Fuck that.

No, never again. I should just say no next time. I'd rather not do a show at all than do a show for six half-awake people in a room empty full of 500 chairs and an empty stage while someone does a sound test for some fucking action film next door.

Yeah, terrible. And on that note, thank you, Jordan, for while someone does a sound test for some fucking action film next door. Yeah. Yeah, terrible. And on that note, thank you, Jordan, for supporting us on Patreon. We really appreciate it, mate. Thank you very much, mate. We love it. And because of the way we do this now, we might get you on again in the future.

Okay, cool. Yeah, that'd be brilliant, yeah. So we'll try and do something different with you next time you're on. But other than that, thank you very much. Thank you, Eli. Thank you, Paul. I'll see you you next time you're on. But other than that, thank you very much. Thank you, Eli. Thank you, Paul. I'll see you soon. Love you.

Bye. Bye. Eli actually left.