CheapShow - Ep 53: Don't Get Mad Strikes Back

Episode Date: September 20, 2017

You demanded that it returned. You wanted this. After long last, it's back... We are returning to the ugly world of "Don't Get Mad" and this may be the most demented, twisted, hilarious one yet... But don't say we didn't warn you! In this long awaited episode, Paul & Eli go back to basics with a classic Tales from the Dancefloor (one that manages to break Eli), a revamped "Price of Shite" that goes down very well indeed and a super sour "Cheap Eats" too! It's stuffed with the usual CheapShow madness but with the added volatility of an "angered by toothache" Paul and a "ready to snap" Eli... It's definitely the most CheapShowy CheapShow to date and it may destroy your tiny little minds. Hold On Tight. CheapShow was recorded at "The Pod" at White City Place. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Okay? I think so. Is the door closed? I believe the door's closed. I believe we're locked in. Right, am I doing the intro? Or are you just doing stupid fucking side by side? Go on, do your little intro, because I know how much it means to you.

Because you're a fucking loser. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Loser. You're a loser. Fucking, no, honestly. Oh my God, I won't. I'm in a fun mood. You're not in a fun mood. I'm in a fun mood.

You've been in one of the worst moods I've ever seen you in. You've got a toothache. Do your fucking intro. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. No, that's too loud. It's not. You're too loud. Look look that's you peeking I'm not doing the intro

go hello loser I hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodle alright it's a fact of cheap so we're gonna have to fucking reset People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're going to have to fucking reset.

Noodle time. Tales from the Dance Floor. How's the big guy? A piece of shite Let's just go down and say hello Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And then I go and I nuzzle Ladies and gentlemen It's time again for Cheap Show. Hello, hello. How you doing? I have been a bit under the weather. I'm a bit under the weather too. But I don't want to sort of labour the point because it seems I've got the flu every time I do an episode.

I like to think that this podcast is becoming the charting the death of Eli Silverman show. Well. Where week by week we discover just how close to death you are. In a way, every podcast charts the death of their creators just as every moment leads to, inevitably, to the grave. Cheap show. Gettings you getting deep. Getting deep in the hizze. Yes, I've had a cough. So, apologies.

Okay? How poorly are you? On a scale of one to ten? I'm at about six now. I'm coming out of it. I'm coming out the other side. Shall I tell you what's wrong with me? Too fake. Too fake? Yeah. I thought you said I other side. Shall I tell you what's wrong with me? Too fake. Too fake? Yeah.

I thought you said I was too fake. You are too. Well, that counts as well. Way too fake. How rude. Cunt. Yeah, I have massive amounts of toothache to the point where it's on the right-hand side of my face and there's a numbness going right down the right-hand side of my body.

Mate, you need to go to a doctor. That's not toothache. I'm in so much pain today. That's a stroke. I'm in so much pain today. Anyway, it's going to be a comedy, fun, fantastic episode of The Cheap Show Podcast. Just keep telling yourself that. The economy comedy podcast for you.

It's for you, listener. For you. No one else gets this. And we're in a special location today. We are. Why don't you tell the listeners about that? Cheap Show is being recorded in The Pod at White City Place. Now, I discovered this online.

It's a pod in White City in London, and it was built in the new media centre there, specifically so podcasters can use it as a space to record their podcast. And I thought, I'm having some of that. We're availing ourselves of it. Because, you know, as know as nice as the house of pickles is it's not very nice it's not it's got it's got issues and i had a peek in your uh hop today in the hop yeah you know me and i'll be oh no don't make that a thing don't make that a thing come on come to the hop yeah you know me. I've got pickles. Your bedroom looked like a pirate treasure room,

but changed all the money for dirty underwear. And that's the kind of sight. It's like piles of filth. Don't flatter me. Now, one little downside from this lovely pod that we're recording is I can see Grenfell Tower, the charred remnants of it, from here, Paul. From here. I wanted to talk about the booth a bit more before we went into the sociological disaster

that was a few months ago. I can fucking see it. It was a few months ago. It was about four months ago. And this pod is not too far away from where that happened. And I can see where that happened. It's what I'm trying to tell them, Paul. I'm looking at it right now. It's because the design of this building, it's literally a square. It looks like a little

speaker, doesn't it? It's like a little square speaker. It's like a square pod. And there's massive big windows that you can look out. They're round windows. Big round windows, like a speaker. Again like a speaker, yes. And unfortunately the one that we've got open, the window is the site of the tragedy that is Grenfell Tower.

The charred remnants of that tower. Right in front of me. It kind of makes this look like we're recording in the saddest edition of This Morning. You know? Richard and Judy used to have Albert Dock in the background, and then they moved it to Manchester or London. We've got the charred remnants of Grenfell Tower. So.

I'm dying. I'm dying of some kind of... Anyway, we are recorded at the pod in the White City Place. They have given us this space to record Cheap Show in, and I think it's a boon. It's nice. I like it. I like the sound of my voice.

I like listening to my own voice. You do, don't you? And wanking. Can I just get that in there? Yeah. Anything else to say before we go in? A couple of things, actually. You know Paige Branson,

who designed our logo with the anime versions of us for it? Yes. She's helped me out in the past, and we've mentioned her on the show, but what I'd like to do is, if anyone listening wants to support Paige, she has a tip jar now on PayPal, which means you can go to

paypal.me forward slash Paige Branson and just put like 50p, a dollar, a quid in, whatever, and just say thank you. So we can say thank you. I've not heard of this tip jar. Well, I only heard about it a few days ago. Okay. It's a good idea.

Yeah. If you want to donate, you can just put a couple of quid in the tip jar on PayPal. And it goes into a little kitty. Meow. It goes into a little kitty. Meow. Up the kitty's arse. Meow.

Take out the fiver. Meow. I could fucking give it some pleasure. Don't be dirty. Don't be dirty. Don't be dirty. See through Winstons, the new fivers. They're kind of, they're quite rigid, aren't they? Yeah.

You could fucking bring a cat to orgasm. Oh no. Yes. Yes. Anyway, if you'd like to give a couple of pounds. Fucking cats. Could I just say that? Shut up.

I'm not having a cat discussion with you right now when I'm trying to direct people in the direction of Paige Branson to say thank you for helping us out. How do you find it? How do you find this tip jar? Put her name. You literally just go to paypal.me forward slash Paige Branson. P-A-G-E-B-R-A-N-S-O-N. Thank you. And that's a little way of hopefully saying thank you to her on our audience's behalf.

thank you and that's a little way of hopefully saying thank you to on our audience's behalf so if you're listening and you don't decide to give it give Paige

a couple of dollars that's okay it's okay but we'd prefer if you did just a couple of hundred or we won't give your kids back what kids?

someone's going to have kids and right now they're thinking my kids just one listener needs to think that right now what? that we're going to kidnap their children? that that's not good they'll do anything to the kids they'll come back safe and sound oh they'll be safe will they if they pay the ransom which is what whose kids

have we got what i'm trying to do i haven't look is this what i'm trying to do is create a thing called page branson's ransom it's a section of the show where we ransom uh someone's loved one for money and then we give that money to page to say thank you it's a section of the show where we ransom someone's loved one for money and then we give that money to Paige to say thank you it's a completely altruistic event

okay so there's that what was the other thing you wanted to mention that's it I just want to get your tails on the fucking dance floor out of the way oh you want to get it

out of the way now why can't we do it after we've done a bit oh my god there's a guy with a bin he's walking past the pod. He's looking in.

He's giving me evils, Paul. Our show now should not be about you spotting things outside the big round window. Can he hear me? It sounded like he could hear me talking about it. I don't know if he could hear them. I imagine it's reasonably soundproof, this booth, but I wouldn't... You'd hope so, wouldn't you? I wouldn't shout any racist slurs out loud.

I'm not... As if I'm going to be racist. You might be. You are. Oh, there's one more thing I wanted to say you are racist I'm not at all

how dare you I believe everyone should find love what do you believe everyone should find love anyone what's that got to do with being racist

any colour any creed any sex should be able to find love should be able to find love that does nothing to negate any possible racist tendencies you have

I expect I don't like this conversation. Yeah, exactly. Get on with it, you fucking bigot. You're not. Sam, one of our audience listeners. Audience listeners? Listeners?

She's a what? So she's a listener who's in the audience as well? Yes. Was that a bit of an unnecessary wordage? She came to the live show and she won the t-shirt when she did the price of shite

remember what t-shirt I didn't think we did t-shirts do you remember any gigs we ever fucking do yes

or we did at the Bill Murray at the Bill Murray great show she came up on stage and won a t-shirt oh she ate a beetle a bot

no it's like it's like talking to my nan cool I've got me nappy full again Paul could you There's a big marching group of people coming this way

There's a big group of people coming Let's describe all of them The first one looks like an accountant He looks like a German techno head Pill freak Who also designs Like a classy magazine. Right.

I like him. Okay. Then we've got a lady of a certain age. Mate, there are 40 of them and they're going by quite quickly.

And she's got a silly dress on. And... Now they're pointing at us. They're pointing at the pod. They're pointing at the pod. Oh, look at them. Lock the door.

Lock it. Overwhelmingly white. Oh, there at them. Lock the door. Lock it. Overwhelmingly white. Oh, there's some Asians. I'm just trying to give people a picture. It doesn't matter. There's a lot of ladies. Good.

Oh, that was nice. Yeah, they didn't seem very special. I thought it was going to be more exciting. They just look very normal. One last thing before we get into your horrible tales on the dance floor today. Sam, our listener, she came to the live show that Bill Maurice won the t-shirt that belonged to Stuart Oh yes. She came to a premiere of

Mr Biffo's fan footage a day or two ago in London and she said here's something she found at a charity shop for us and it's amazing. It is the deal or no deal LCD game. And it basically replaces any need for the rest of anything to do with deal or no deal. And it And it basically replaces any need for the rest of anything to do with no deal.

And it's great. It's got a little thing in it. Oh my god. You said you weren't going to do this. Paul. Has all the sound effects in. It's exciting. Paul. So I'm going to turn it off. Oh, you're turning it off now.

You've been playing it, haven't you? You're not going to get it out at any point during this recording and do the noises just wanted to remember to say thank you to her that was all thank you now we have enjoyed that

haven't we yes competing doing competitive who wants to be a million oh what's it called deal or no deal deal or no deal

so you would start a game play it through to its natural end see it and see what deal I take yeah and then I would play it secondly you have to beat my deal yeah which means I couldn't take an earlier deal.

And it's one-all, isn't it? It's one-all at this stage. Yes. Basically, Sam, you've given us hours of entertainment. But you had a very good deal, didn't you? Like 66 grand? Yeah, I got 66. Pretty good fucking deal there, isn't it?

Yeah. It's all right. It's all right. I came with nothing, Noel. You can't. I bet he's got a person. Sorry. I'm just going to say it. I bet he's got a person sorry i'm just gonna say it i bet he's got an employee he's got an employee who has a little mini roller with his purple beard dye in it and he comes he

touches him up where's nigel not your best improv oh fuck I'm well. I'm sweating in this pod box like a grape. It is warm here, but it's raining outside. Well, it was. The weather's very changeable today. So, is it time for... Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the one, the only, story time that you deserve. It's Eli Silverman's Teppid Tales from the Dance Floor.

Yes, it's another instalment in the infrequent, too infrequent I'd say, section. You do it nearly every fucking week. Shut up. That I'd like to call my section, I do the thing, thank you Paul, not teppid, red hot

Tales from the Dance Floor. Well, this week, I've got a couple of... My toothache can't wait to, this week, I've got a couple of... My toothache can't wait to hear this story. I've got a couple of tales for you, Paul. Hit me with them. Are you going to like these? Well, you're going to like the second one. All right.

Anyway, so... I'm DJing, right? And it's the middle set. It's when you have to get them going with the bangers. The big ones. The Bobby Dazzlers. Yeah, the Bobby Dazzlers the Bobby Dazzlers as they say the big tunes that everyone recognises

and they go whoop whoop whoop dance floor classics, whatever you want to fucking call it I call it oh my god, if I hear Move On Up by Curtis Mayfield anymore don't play it again then, it's your choice I have to, you don't I have to play it Paul, anyway

so I'm in the middle of that set and I have to. You don't. I have to play it, Paul. Anyway. So, I'm in the middle of that set. And the record bumps. It bumps because of a vibration on the booth. So, I think. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. And I look around.

Lo and behold, there's a young lady who is sort of hanging off the front of the booth. So I ask her. I'm not being sexist. It could be anyone. I ask her, please. Get off my booth. Could you not? Because you're dumping the record.

And she kind of looks at me incomprehensibly. Drunk. And sort of, ugh. And I'm a lady. And I think, hopefully, that's going to stop. Yeah. And then I play the next tune. Let's say it's it's you know i want you back by the jackson five good song yes and it's dropping immediately and it jumps again

and they're fucking they're sort of boo the dj that these two young ladies who i'd already warned gently before are just sort of hanging off doing all poses and like you know on the booth like as if they're hookers right i'm strippers rather sorry sexist uh you know all posing and i'm like look i'm happy for you to have fun obviously that's what you're here for fine but i can't this is really annoying because you're making the record jump and it ruins it for the two or three hundred people who are also in the room. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. And so I go, please, please. And they're just like, give me a little look like that. Yeah. Yeah.

And then. When's the story going to end? When it ends, Paul. Right. Fucking when it ends. Let's have some support, please. Come on, Eli. Tell us your story.

Then it happens again, right? Yeah. And it's sort of in between scenes and I have to go, no, look, please, could you get away from the booth? Because you keep making the record jump. Yeah. And one of them looks at me and goes, that can't be true. That can't be true, she says.

Oh. Like, she doesn't even, she won't, she doesn't, not only does she not understand, she won't accept it. She won't accept it into her paradigm that someone might be using a form. She has no idea that the format of records is actually physically influenced by movement in that way.

Because they're all computers these days. Yes. All computers. So that annoyed me. And I was going, please, you know, look, I'm trying to be a fair guy about this, but you keep fucking ruining it

by making the needle jump. And your temperament can only stay steady for so long. Do you know what I mean? I'm getting a bit pissed off with them. I agree. And so she goes, that can't be true. And your temperament can only stay steady for so long. Do you know what I mean? I'm getting a bit pissed off with them. I agree. So she goes,

that can't be true. And then her friend is like, giving them a finger with both hands. They both walk off and she's like, give me the thing. Fuck you.

Fuck you. As if I'm like, doing something. I'm just asking you. They got pulled off. They don't like it because they're trying to be, have a big party time.

Yes. You've ruined their vibe because you're Mr. Killjoy, daddy. I know, but I don't want to be. But I don't want the record to keep bumping. I'm on your side, mate. Do you see what I'm getting at? I'm on your side.

I think this is a legitimate Tales from the Dance Floor. I think it is. Did you want to just get in touch with the boutons? Well, I didn't want... They weren't particularly unfriendly. They weren't being... Because you were there that one time at the bar on Hanway Street. Yeah.

I asked her to stop bumping the booth. And then she started doing it on purpose, didn't she? On purpose. Now that deserves a fucking kick in the head. Maybe not. But at least an ejection from the club. Yeah. You know what I mean?

If you're trying to fuck with the DJ's whole fucking process on purpose. Not a kicking in the head. No one needs a kicking in the head. He didn't have to go back to that, to be honest with you Then... Not a kicking in the head. No one needs a kicking in the head. You didn't have to go back to that, to be honest with you. Sorry I said kicking in the head. Ah, because he has issues with women, ladies and gentlemen. I don't have fucking issues.

At that time, we addressed this on the show. I had a dream last night that was being intimate with a lady. It was all quite nice and gentle and I missed it when I woke up and she wasn't real, Paul. She wasn't real. It's too real. That story's too real. She wasn't real. It's too real. That story's

too real. She wasn't real. They never are. You should turn that into a lovely play. What? I was asleep and I got a semi. Yeah. Eli's semi. Is that what I call it? Call it Eli's semi. I'm asleep and I've got a semi. I'm playing through it. I have an issue with women anyway. So she's got

the middle finger up at me, both hands. Like, fuck you, Mr Killjoy. Yeah, telling us not to ruin the night for everyone else. Fucking. Anyway, so that was annoying. And now for my second. Oh, mate, can we save it for the next episode? Oh.

Please. No way. Okay, I'll get it done quick. Paul. I'm just trying to spread the information out. Paul, this. Listen. I've got two fakes. I know you'm just trying to spread the information out. Paul, this... Listen. I've got two fakes.

I know you've got two fakes. These stories are more painful. Mate, Tales of the Dance Floor is a pillar of cheap show, and people want to hear it. Please tell your story, then. I fucking will. If you stop interrupting me and saying, Cape it for the next show, or fucking do this or do that,

then it fucking wouldn't take so long, would it? on time for the second tills from the little one this one paul you like this little one so at the same venue yeah same night i think it was oh but earlier on yeah i had to make my way through the crowd the first band had started yeah so my set is at an end for them yeah and i make my way through the crowd to go outside yeah perhaps get myself a coffee

right a cigarette have a cigarette yes yeah whatever you poison whatever you do you know

you have a little break there because the band's on exactly I'm moving through and often it gets very busy there and you have to say excuse me excuse me

pardon me and what you're thinking in some way is get the fuck out of my way what is so difficult for moving obviously someone trying

people look at you like what need to move for other person in public space does not compute fuck you that's not about this

anyway so I go through this group of three women right yeah and as I'm moving through the group yeah I hear one of them say

hmm what a tiny man. Do you know what I mean? Weird. Right there in my face. Tiny man. Put them in that in your face because she's obviously

much taller than you. She wasn't. And it just demonstrates. Did you feel sad for a bit? I didn't feel sad. I felt fucking annoyed. I felt like turning around to go basic fucking bitch.

Do you know what I mean? Ooh. Ooh. What? Meow, Mr. Kitten. So what we learn from this week's Tales from Dandalfort is Eli has an issue when it comes to dealing with women It's not.

who don't comply to his every wish. She doesn't have to comply. Just don't say, ooh, tiny man right in my face. It's what? Does she say, ooh say ooh ooh lump of shit does she just sort of see things and just sort of

have a little judgment on it and just spurt it out yeah tiny man maybe she was you misheard her maybe you misheard her

maybe she was actually asking for Elton John's tiny dancer and you thought oh she said ooh tiny man like oh

like she's never seen a fucking short guy before but that's your moment to get in there she's never seen a man who's short before and it your moment to get in there she's never seen a man who's short before and it's also

it's like to do with this whole heteronormative expectation of what a man should be like it's so weird that man's tiny isn't it it's so weird

never fuck me would you you never touch me because I'm tiny I must have a tiny fucking willy as well that smells bad do you know what I mean?

Fuck's sake, Paul, and that's my towels with the dodgeball! Oh, God! That's emotional breakdown! Something with you. Ladies and gentlemen It is a brand new Price of Shite

It's the fucking Price of Shite It's the fucking Price of Shite It's the fucking Price of Shite Oh it's the fucking Price of Shite And that's right Thank you So I was going to do a really intimate with that

And that's right I think you did And that's right And that's right. Thank you. So. I was going to do a really intimate with that. And that's right. I think you did. And that's right. And that's right. Stick it in. Stick it all the way down. Get the glue out. Move it to the left.

And move it to the right. I've got a sticky jacking hand. Right. So. Right. Now, you've bigged this up. I've bigged this up. You've hype manned this whole thing.

So, because of the recent episode with Cheep Cheep Cheep, and whether that's getting cancelled or not. We don't know. It's sullied the name of the Price of Shite. Somewhat. And our good pot. Yeah. So, you've decided. To give a little bit of a wiggle to the format.

And I'm salivating internally. Yes. And in reality, in anticipation of this little wiggle and please explain the wiggle to me now. Okay, well, as you're aware, we based the original game on the initial Price of Right format where here are a number of items, rate them in terms of which is the cheapest, the most expensive.

A format that was deeply similar to the Noel Edmonds disaster. That was cheap, cheap, cheap. Cunt. So I thought I would watch the Price of Right, the original show. The Price is Right. The Price is Right, the original show. The Price is Right. The Price is Right, the original show, and do my very best. You've got The Price of Right. You know what The Price of Right would be?

What? Something about costing in the justice system. Right. I thought that was pretty good. Yeah, it was all right. All right, explain. So I went back and watched The Price is Right and tried to see... They've got a lot of little mini-games in The Price is Right.

Yeah, so I thought I'd try and base it on one of those mini-games. There's one called Cliffhanger, which we did actually do in one of our board game special episodes. Ah. So it's going to be very simple. I have three items. I will show them from cheapest to most expensive. I will say right now... You'll tell me which is cheapest and which is most expensive.

Yes, I'll be showing you in the order of how expensive they were to buy. Okay. Right? I'm doing very well so far order of how expensive they were to buy. Okay. Right? I'm doing very well so far. You're doing well. You're doing well. I will state that none of the items I bought was more than a pound. More than a certain amount.

Okay, so there's an upper limit, and I also know before we start which is the cheapest and which is the most expensive. Yes. Is that right? By a process of deduction, which is the middle run as well. So all you have to do is guess the price Which is the middle Run as well So all you have to do Is guess The price Of each item

As I pull it out Okay However If you are over Or under by a certain number Like if you say 28p But the object was 25 You would be

Three over And so therefore You would begin your walk Upon cliffhanger mountain Okay Which is here Which is here I've drawn in front of me

Are you going to Take a photo of this For our listeners No I'm going to take a photo of this for our listeners? No, I'm going to let them imagine that I draw It's a diagonal, I'll describe it. It's a diagonal line in the bottom left where it goes from left to right up

dissecting diagonally up like that and at the bottom left there you've got number one and it goes all the way up to 25 in the top right hand corner. So basically you have a 25p margin of error to get all of them guessed correctly. Okay. However if you go over 25p you have

lost the game. On any single item? No what I'm saying is after three items your last guess is too much. You'll go over the cliff won't you? I'll go over the cliff. You see so your margin of error is only 25p. In total across all three items across all three items

fucking this is tough it's about the same as they do it on the TV show bloody hell so I have three items I'm going to go straight off the cliff

there's a forfeit what happens if it's less than oh it doesn't matter either way you go up either way so if you said 23p

you've still got two steps in the mountain I see so it's all that margin of difference and if i'm 25p out on the first item that's it then the game is over and you have to take our forfeit today which is i bought this from a stupid little joke shop food bizarre toy thing for kids for idiot geeks you want to spend their money on shit funko pops i got this gourmet wasabi flavor

popping candy wow and so you will be, or I will be, taking a mouthful of it. Okay. Alright? I think I'm going to take a mouthful anyway. I want to try it. We might just try it anyway.

A bit of drama. So are you ready for the first item on today's Price of Shite? I am, Paul. Please produce said item. Here we go. I'm rustling in my magic bag and the first item for you today is this.

I want you to describe what you see. This is a vintage card game, Snap, the most basic of all card games. Very simple game. And it's manufactured by PG Tips. Yes. This is a nice item, actually. This is proper shit, isn't it? Yeah.

It's made in China, Brook Bond Foods. It's actually manufactured by the PG Tips people, I guess. Yeah, it is. I imagine you either got it free with a packet of tea. Or's actually manufactured by the PG Tips people. Yeah, it is. I imagine you either got it free with a packet of tea. Or maybe sent off for it with coupons. Yeah. And it's got some pictures of chimps.

It's the chimps, isn't it, basically? Because PG Tips in the UK were a company that made tea, and their adverts involved putting chimpanzees and monkeys doing humorous, humorous things that only adults would do, like moving a piano. Remember that? Oh, Mr. You know what? I'll put an advert in right now.

It won't have the same effect because you'll only be able to hear it and you won't be able to see the monkeys moving a piano about. But you'll get to know what Mr. Shifter is. Oh, Mr. Shifter. Oh, bloody hell.

That whole thing. I'll put the advert in now. There was Siri. No, I'll put the advert in now. Ear rider, are your bells moving else again? Had trouble getting the piano down the stairs, you know?

Oh, I can't the stairs, you know. Oh, I can't hold it, Dad. Don't worry, son. I shifted more pianos than you've had up to this. Whee, Mr. Shifter. Like refreshment. Thank you most kindly, madam. Dad, do you know the piano's on my foot?

You, I mean, son. I'll play it. There's no other tea to beat PG. It's the taste. They were long running. And we're back. And eventually they were sort of... And we're back from the advert. They were taken off the air because...

Animal cruelty. Yes. Basically. And so this is a card game with all pictures of the... Monkeys. The chimps in costume drinking tea from the adverts. And I guess there's pairs of each and there's a simple... Well, it's like, you know, yeah, snap.

You just match the card up. It's like any other packet of cards. You've got Jeff tips, Samantha tips. Samantha tips is a whole family of them. Yeah. Oh, there's Jeff again. Jeff again. But that's a different picture.

It's a different picture. Is that snap? I don't know. There's no rules. I mean, there is. Shuffle the pack and deal all the cards among the players, right? Yeah. Each player places their cards in a pile face down in front of them, yes?

Yeah. One by one, players turn up their top card and place it in the centre, making a pile. Yes. When a turned card matches the card... You are describing Snap. ...immediately beneath it, on the pile Snap is called.

But what does it mean, match? The name or the picture? I don't know. It's a very good point, and I don't know. It doesn't fucking say. It's fucking PG fucking tips. Well, go for the cards a bit more, see if he comes up again.

There's Kevin Tips, Kevin Tips. See, there's... Any of these pictures are the same. Maybe it's just the names you have to add up. I know there's another Kevin Tips. There's three different Kevin Tips. This is a... What is this?

It's a fucking not very well explained... How many arguments are you going to have by just saying that's not... It must just be... Look, there's two tips. So it must be identical cards. All right. So that means... There's only a limited amount of... Monkey pictures. Monkey pictures. There you go it must be identical cards. All right. There's only a limited amount of monkey pictures.

There you go. Jeff tips. All right. So you do have to lose a little bit of acumen about it. It's not just a common name throw down. Nice item, Paul. Nice item. Very, very retro.

So what I will say is that all the items I bought today was from one charity shop in Mill Lane in Cambridge. And it's the most fantastic charity shop in the world in fact I will be definitely feeding Price and Shite from that one shop I was like this is Alibaba's cave

for our show so much stuff and so what charity does it support I can't remember but it's just an overall charity shop it's the Israelis

it's not right no how racist are you being I'm not being anyway so

here we go that is the cheapest item of the three I'm? I'm not being... Anyway. So, here we go. That is the cheapest item of the three I'm about to... I'm showing you today. It's the cheapest. It's the cheapest of the three items. So, again, it's worth no more... I mean, I'd happily... I'll give you a bit of my thinking.

All right, go on. I'd happily pay 50p for it. Interesting. But... Again, there are two more items to come. And this is the cheapest. This is the cheapest. See, I'm thinking 50p is a bit too high.

But would someone, I guess it's Cambridge, so it's a bit sort of yokel, and they would go for prices there. I will help you by saying this charity shop has very good deals on the ship. It's like Oxfam where you go in. I'm going to say 30p. 30p? Yeah. Okay.

Let's find out if you were right. Okay, here we go. PG Tips Snap Card Game. The price I said was 30p. The real price was... 30p. Wow! You are spot on.

On the nose. Excellent. So you don't go up the mountain at all. Fucking yeah. You're on the nose there, mate. Good. Congratulations. Well played.

Okay. Are you ready for item number two? I'm ready. Here we go. I'm feeling a bit confident now. Here we go. Here we go. I think feeling a bit confident now. Here we go. Here we go. I think you'll like this one as well.

Describe what, say what you see. Now, this is a set of three rocket-shaped erasers, and they're pencil-top style erasers, and I like this item very much. I'm sure you do. I collect rubbers. Mmm. Not used johnnies. Why would you collect used ones?

That's gross. Because then it's like a... Although I did see an article about a woman who collected all the condoms from all the partners she'd been with. I bet that room smelled nice. I bet it smelled like death and fish. Yeah. Anyway. Well, I'd rather collect used ones.

Because it's like, oh, how the fuck? It's a little memento of having a fuck, isn't it? It is. A sad one. How the fuck? a little memento of having a fuck, isn't it? It is. A sad one.

I had a fuck. That's why your condom is in a glass dome in your room and wilts like the flower from Beauty and the Beast. And when all the spunk dries up, you'll never find love again. So this is a pack of three rocket razors. Simple, simple item. Simple item. It is mint on card.

It's not bad. It's on the card. Manufactured by School Tools. They are indeed. A company I haven't come across before. But nice. Very nice, simple item. So, again, the second cheapest on the list.

So it's more than 30p. You do know that. And you said no item was more than a quid. Yeah. So, you know, it's got to be more than 30p. But how much more? Time to think. 50.

50p. I'd say 50p for these. Okay. You said 50p. Are you sticking with that yet? Yeah, I'm sticking with that. And the price is 75p.

So I have to cross off 15. Oh, shit. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. Leaving... What's the margin of error I've got for the last item? You've got to be 10p. Within 10p.

To win. And that was 75. That was 75p. And now we've got the most expensive item. The most expensive item is coming up right now. Are you ready for the final item? Just, yes. What?

Can I buy those rocket razors? You can have them. Well, thanks, Paul. You can have them. Thank you. Because this dick ain't going to, Paul. You can have them. Thank you. Because this dick ain't going to suck itself. You just wanted to get that in. I wanted to get that in.

Here's your third and final item. Bang. What is it? Pretty cool. It's pretty cool. It's all right. There's a key. Yeah.

On a little key holder carabiner thing. Yeah. And then on the key. On the key. The key is plastic. It looks like a fake key yeah on the key is a sort of sheath a sheath a metal sheath that kind of that slide that the key sort of fits into yeah and i'm taking the key out is it a bottle opener it's many things it's a tiny little key tool what they call it says their says there, file, cap, cut.

You can use it as a tweezer. You can use it as a nail file on the side. You can use it to open bottles. You can use it as a flathead screwdriver because there's a flathead there and a flathead there that you can twist it. That's quite nifty, isn't it? And I believe it's got something else that it does, but I don't know. It's like a Swiss Army knife. Very cheap Swiss Army knife.

It's like the smallest Swiss Army knife you can use. And that key is fake as it's merely uh a demo but you could have an actual key proper key in there yeah and it should be your house let's say for anyone's house or your little sex with a nice yeah well or your murder murder hut i think i called it something better than those names what did you call it? My grief grotto. Don't insult the house of pickles. May. Alright.

Oh, someone's walking past looks homeless. Just update there. Make sure the door's locked. We're so white and middle class in here, aren't we?

Okay, so. Now, I'm I've cut a bit of a tricky little mess here to deal with, haven't I? Yeah.

Because I know that this is somewhere between 75p and a pound. Yeah. I just would be so weird for it to be something like 95p. I mean, maybe I'm thinking 95, 90, 90p. You're going with 90p? Yes.

Okay. You said 90p? The answer was? Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Yeah. The answer was... Look, he's smiling, so I'm probably lost. No, you got it for 95 pence. You were 5p out, so you go up the mountain to the steps of 20, but you don't go over. Congratulations, Mr Silverman.

You have won today's price of shite. Thank you very much. So that's my score, 20. 20. And then I'm going to do it next time. Yeah, and then I'll have to try and get it on the 20. I like this revamped version. It was quite...

It's fun. That fucking worked. Yeah, a bit of tension. Still got to go through the items and discuss them in detail, so I had to price them. That shop's got so much shite, doesn't it? So much good shite. I can't wait to go back there.

And I can't wait for you, listener, to go back there with me. They're not going to go back with you. I might record it and say, all right, look, there's a little old lady. The little old lady who worked there, I bought a few other things that I'll save for another episode. But she goes, oh, I'm glad you bought that. You looked sad. Really? Yeah.

You'll find out what it is in the next episode, what I bought. Oh, you've got another thing? Yeah. Mi casa, su casa. Ah. Yeah. Okay. So, Yeah. You'll find out what it is in the next episode. Oh, you've got another thing? Yeah. Mikasa Sukasa. Ah. Yeah. Okay. So, congratulations. Well done. Shake your hand. You don't have to have the wasabi popping candy, but should we try it anyway? Yeah, let's try it. Now, wasabi can...

Let me give it a smell. Give that a sniff. It smells like noodle fillings. Like, you know, you'd shake it on your noodles as a pimping agent. What are you talking about? Like, if you're making noodles. I'm trying to it on your noodles as a pimping agent what are you talking about like if you're making noodles I'm trying to get on your page with noodles no I'm fucking kidding

right you mean those Japanese products that they yeah you can add to rice and so forth yeah like a little sachet of that kind of stuff

sort of flavoured sesame seeds it does smell very fish food-y I saw an episode of Jackass where that guy whoa it's popping by itself one popped off mate I didn't know it could do that I didn't know it could do that.

I didn't know it could do that. That was frightening. Fucking hell, it's explosive. That was like the eggs in Ghostbusters. Go on. Fucking eggs in Ghostbusters. You were saying you watched Jackass because... Oh, you deflated me with your fucking Ghostbusters reference.

And he... You know, Steve-O, who was the nutty one, who obviously had mother issues. Right. I once saw a video of him shitting projectively. Poo-kay-no, it was called. Oh, lord, no, no, no. I don't want to know.

Poo-kay-no. Finish your fucking anecdote. Can you please finish your anecdote? I can. Oh, it's going off! You've angered the popping gods. You've got to fucking stop it popping off I don't know why it's doing it

It must be the moisture in the room or something Maybe Fucking hell Well finish your fucking story Then we'll gobble it I saw him He snorted a line of wasabi And immediately vomited

Immediately Yeah Well that's good So I'm hoping that's not what's going to happen here Well I hope not I'm going to go in Alright You're going to pour it straight in

Or take an amount on your hand I'm going to pour it a little bit Straight into out on your hand? I'm going to pour it a little bit straight into my mouth. All right. Good luck. I'm going in, everybody. You're going in.

Hold the microphone as well into your mouth so we can hear the popping. Oh, God. Your face. Very... Hey! It's very poppy. It's very poppy

It's very poppy Did you have a lot? Yeah, too much What's the most unpleasant thing about it Is the sweetness doesn't really go with the horseradish But apart from that That's alright I shall have try some

Not really a punishment I mean a bean boozle would be much worse punishment than that He's pulling a face He's just done some I've tried some. Not really a punishment. I mean, a bean boozle would be much worse punishment than that. He's pulling a face. He's just done some. What do you think? Tastes like fizzy noodles. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?

It's not unpleasant. I will say that. It's got a bit of warmth to it. It's got a bit of a horseradish, but not that. It's not that much, is it? No, it's quite sweet still. Yeah, there's a sweetness, but that's what sort of is jarring, isnarring isn't it about it the sweetness with the horseradishy taste well it's all in my mustache and it's fleas in my mustache i can still hear on the microphone your microphone of your beard popping fucking hell but i will say one thing for that yeah it's

about the most poppingest popping candy i've ever seen perhaps it's the atmospheric conditions in the pod here yeah i know it's going off by itself it's the most popping candy I've ever seen. Perhaps it's the atmospheric conditions in the pod here. Yeah, I am. Fucking hell, it's going off by itself. It's the most popping, popping candy in the world. I've never seen that, so that's something. Well, what a great way to finish this segment. And by that, I mean, what a massive anticlimax.

Right. We're doing a classic show today. We really are doing a classic show, I think. We're covering all the bases, Paul. All the favourites. All the old favourites that got people interested in us in the first place. Not just you and me. No.

Ranting about a silly TV show. Like your racism or your sexism. I'm not either of those things. You are. That's why you're going to be lonely forever. Fucking, maybe I should be racist. Then I'll get a girlfriend who's racist. Oh, no.

Don't be racist, Eli. Don't be racist. Perhaps I'll get laid. Yeah, but who, the kind of person who wants a girlfriend who's racist. Oh, no, don't be racist, Eli. Don't be racist. Perhaps I'll get laid. The kind of person who wants to sleep with a racist, do you really want to be with them? No, but... Don't debase yourself. Can I have sex? Yeah, you can have sex whenever you want, mate. Whenever I want? Whenever you want.

You've just got to formulate the moment. What do you mean formulate the moment? You've got to create a chemistry within a certain amount of time. With who? With a lady. A prostitute? No. I mean, you can.

But they're not really emotionally invested. It depends on what you want. Do you want to have sex with a prostitute? What I'm getting, Paul, I'm having an idea now, and I want to just have a wank onto the pod window. Don't! All right, I won't. It's time for...

Oh, yeah, we're doing that. We're doing a classic show Ladies and gentlemen A classic show And so we are going to do One of our favourite sections And one of yours too It's a classic

It's called Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep

Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep

Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep

Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep

Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep

Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep

Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Cheep on Che Cheap Eats! Oh, fuck off. Don't say nearly 40, both of you. When you full well know I'm 42, Paul. He's an old man. Right, I've been to France, everybody. Oh, posh. And for the first part of this Cheap Pizza, a couple of items from France. Oh, lovely. Now, a classic episode that we did years ago was a sour.

A sour, yes. Because there's a huge trend in confectionery, as you know these days. Are you stepping into froth shop territory? I guess I am, but what can I do? Well, I asked for the planning for the froth shop, and you haven't gone ahead and done that. So this is untoward, but I'll allow it. All right, good. Provided you let me do my froth shop voice.

You can do your froth shop voice. Perfect. This is cheap eats meets froth shop. Yes. So I got some sour items from France. The first of which Bon Boms. Have you seen these? No, I have not. Which is a play on Bon Boms.

I don't like doing that froth shop fucking voice. Don't fucking do it. Try and be more talented. I will try. I will do my best. Just try and be better. Try and be more good. Bon Boms. Super Citrique. Which means, I'd imagine, super sour.

It says underneath, sour. We're learning stuff here as well. We're bridging the divide. It's made by a company called Fizzy. Is it spelt Fizzy? Yeah. As in with a Y. That's right, Fizzy.

It's not like P-H-Y. This is obviously an item for the French market and the British market because you have French but then excuse me Oh God, don't fart in this room, Eli. I'm not farting. Please do not do that in this space. I've just heard a bit of a repetition from the

wasabi popping candy. Bonbon's jelly is a little sort of like astronaut food sachet of liquid, liquid sour. Well, I'll say, I'll read out. Le bonbon liquide qui déchire. It will do what?

It says le bonbon liquide, which means liquid sweet. Yeah. Qui déchire. And it's got a little translation underneath. Super sour liquid candy so let's yeah so you're going to crack it open

I'm going to crack it open you're going to pierce its lid and I should say as well this is pom or apple apple flavour the green colouring of the label

also would have given that away it could be lime though and it could be grape and it could be well you don't get green grape flavoured things do you but it could have been I know it could be... Well, you don't get green grape flavoured things, do you? But it could have been.

I know it's mostly purple. It's almost universally purple. So, in fact, just take it back. You're wrong. It couldn't be grape. Grape would be an outlier. I'm opening it. I don't give a fuck.

I've lost interest now, you rude prick. You've lost interest about six years ago, Paul. What, in you? In everything. In you. You've got no feelings. I have got many feelings. and they're all a thunder. You know, listener, what he said to me today,

he was like, oh, the hurricane's going towards Orlando. And I was like, why? You're scared that, you know, you're concerned about your mum and your sister who are out there. And he's like, no, I'm scared that the tornadoes will tear down the attractions in Disney. I was worried about Disneyland. It's the happiest place on Earth.

Disney World. Whatever. Disney. I was worried about Disneyland. It's the happiest place on earth. Disney World. Whatever. Disney. You're weirdly cold and obsessed with fairground rides. Well, I'm not moaning about it. That's you. I'm not moaning about it.

You brought it up. If the fucking news came through that the, what's that one? Haunted Mansion. Haunted Mansion was blown over. This episode would stop right now and I'd be,

I would do an eulogy. What's the word? E would do an eulogy what's the word eulogy eulogy i can't get this open and hold the mic at the same time just put it in your lap open it and then i'll just talk commentary there we go all right he's twisted the lid seal all right good it's got seal. Monkey man, make thing open. Fuck you. The first stages of man as he delicately uses a poseable thumb to crack open the seal.

It's not helping. Why didn't you do this before the episode? I'm going to use the fucking key thing. Oh. Look, he's using the tool that we used in the episode. That's handy. God almighty. How much time is it going to take you to open a bit of plastic? Fuck you. This is so... thing. Oh, look, he's using the tool that we used in the episode. That's handy. God almighty, how much time is it going to take you to open a bit of plastic? Fuck you. This

is so, so pathetic. Well, you can just cut it out. That's why we did it. No, I'm going to keep all this in. There. Right, it's open. Right. Open it up. Unscrew it. Smells happily. Now, I'm going to give this to you, Paul, for the first go. Just squirt some into your mouth. Okay. Because you are the taster. And let's have your reaction. What was that like? Oh, it's nice and tart. It's got a very thick consistency. It's goopy sour.

It's a bit goopy. I'm going to have some. It's tasty, but it's cheap tasty. You know what I mean? What's the point of it? Because you can squeeze it in your mouth and go, Oh, lovely! And then fall off a slide and break your leg go to hospital and waste your birthday

it's happened to me when i was eight wow sour isn't it it's sour it's absolutely in that artificial way yeah i mean i quite like that artificial apple flavor but it's not refreshing oh it's just strange It's like cough syrup. Yes, it's got a... It's like these chunkier cough syrups. Yeah. It's like, yeah, like a confectionery-style cough syrup. That's just pure evil, really, isn't it? Yeah, it's, you know, it's what it is.

It's just a little bit of fun. Give it a score out of five. Out of five. Two and a half. Okay. What about you? I'd say two and a half. Two and a half.

Nice. Next. Moving on, I've got two and a half. Two and a half. Nice. Next. Moving on, I've got another French sour item. Oh, lovely. I'm loving the sour. This is Electro Sour. Oh, Electro Sour. It's like a little wham bar.

If everyone remembers wham bars and... Oh, I love wham bars. And refresher bars. Yeah. Oh, chewy. It's that format. It's a chew. Yeah.

It's a flat chew format. It's a flat, sugary chew. And this is Naranja or orange flavour and it has a picture of a guy who has eaten some sour shit

and he's gone mental you know what it's a knock off steam is coming out of his ears and he's got a big lolling green tongue and his eyes are going I've done DMT

it's knocking off the logo from Warheads Candy you know Warheads Candy had the exact same kind of exploding head. It looks very similar. I think purposely so. Yes.

It's a rip-off of that, is what you're saying. Well, I mean, at the end of the day, what's one sticky chocolate chew to another sticky sweet chew? And it's that kind of... You're doing a posh voice for some reason. Are we in the froth shop now, Paul? The door's open to the froth shop, and I poked my head out and said, What's going on over there? So the expertise on sweets is the froth shop and I poked my head out and said, what's going on over there? So the expertise on sweets is the froth shop guy.

Yeah. Okay, good. So I think they've definitely lent onto the iconography of the Warheads brand, but I don't believe, I don't believe it was done by accident. It's not a copyright infringement. No, and I think at the end of the day,

you know, they're all on a shelf. You grab one at random, you're going to get the same shit. This is manufactured by World Kids, with a Z, and it is halal. Oh, that's good. Why is that good? Because that means people who eat halal food can eat that and enjoy it. It hasn't got meat in it, I mean, what does it...

Well, some people might not know, because it might be made with a gelatin or something, which is... Halal gelatin? No, I'm saying you wouldn't put that in if it was halal because you don't want animal in it. Right, it is halal. Fucking hell. I'm opening it. I'm going to give it to you to open, Paul, because you're the guest.

You know what? What? Really bad idea to have candies when you've got two things. Sorry, just have a small amount. Do you want to not taste this one? I'll taste it. Good. Don't you stop me. It's almost time for you to do your drugs. As in more paracetamol. God, it's sweaty in this one. I'll taste it. Good. Don't you stop me. It's almost time for you to do your drugs. Like, as in more paracetamol.

God, it's sweaty in this box. I'm beginning to see your pits. And they're literally, I'm sweating out in here. Christ. I'm still quite unwell. Oh,

the clouds look nice. I'm just waiting for Paul to... You sound like you're doing a shitty Alan Bennett play. It's all a bit melty. Sorry. There you go. You've just got to try some.

Bite a bit off there. It's okay. Wow. No, not kidding. That is really sour. That really is sour. That, that really is sour. That's a tongue tingler. Oh.

Still very sweet. Very sweet, very sour, got a horrible... It's got a weak orange flavour, but the tingle is too... it overpowers it. Don't you find the orange flavour very sort of artificial? Yeah, yeah. In a really jarring way. Yeah, but again, because it's so tingly, so sour, it overwhelms that flavour anyway. It's just not very nice. That is just pure excitement candy for sugar addicts.

Oh, me too, third. Right, give that a score. The electro sour, please. I'm going to go two and a half again after that. I mean, it does what it says on the tin quite well. I wouldn't want to eat that, ever. Well, you just did. Are you ready? Yeah.

Item number three. Yeah. Now, we discuss crisps a lot on the after hour, Paul. We do. We like crisps. And I may have mentioned before that I'm... I can't. You just left way too long a gap for me to not slip that in. Every time I say I, you just go, can't, can't, can't, dear, can't. I couldn't help it. I'm sorry. You just wait for me to say I am

can't, can't, you fucking can't. I couldn't help it. You just wait for me to say, I am cunt, cunt. You're fucking cunt, yeah? Cunt. Is that all you want to fucking say, Paul? Right, okay. I'm sweating now. You really are. Like a vagina.

We'll have a little break after this. You can get some fresh air. Anyway, you found crisps. Oh, he's dying. If so, I will be opening up a spot on the show for a new co-presenter. So please, by all means, get in touch. This show would die. It would die.

It would die. So, glad you admitted that. Okay. I'll just have a conversation with you. And with me today is Eli. Well, fuck you, bro! Well, Eli's up to speed again on all the funny things. I was DJing.

You were DJing. Imagine how mad you'd go after about a year of it. I was going mad. And if came up to me and he said look at my phone I was like who does that who does that I'm like

Paul Paul so I tried to fuck off and then the owner of the bar told me I shouldn't have

a piss by the bins and I got fired tell her from the dance floor come on there you go in a nutshell We're trying to do

two beats now Alright I need pills Now I may have mentioned before on the show Yeah that you're a cunt Stop doing that

Sorry I don't mention I'm a cunt I'm in genuine pain Other people call me a cunt Go Go

I haven't mentioned that I'm a cunt. I wouldn't do that. Go. Your food. You've mentioned before that I'm a cunt. You're just doing it. About Cheetos not being the same as they used to be, right? Yeah.

Because Cheetos originally started out as cheesy knickknacks, essentially. Yeah. You with me? Yeah. You're on message now, Paul. Yeah. It is hot in here. But I found they still do the on message now, Paul. Yeah. It is hot in here.

But I found they still do the original crunchy cheese Cheetos. Well. But only in these mini packets. Interesting. And I bought a packet in. 39p. It's a 39p packet. This is what Cheetos, when they were launched originally in the UK, I think in the 90s. And a knobbly feel to them.

Well, have a look. Let's find out. I'm going to get my hands on your knobbly Cheetos and see if they remind me of the good old days. Get the knobbly Cheetos out. Now I think they're just like a knick-knack aren't they? They're just like a cheesy knick-knack

but the flavour Describe Paul describe the flavour. They have the same texture as one but they're slightly softer than the original from what I remember.

So that means they feel a bit stale. Milky way. They're not as good are they feel a bit stale. And they've got that kind of milky stale. Milky whey. They're not as good, are they? It's not quite as tangy. Because you know there's that tang that Kraft macaroni cheese has. It's missing that tang and it's missing the kind of more crunchy

nature of it. They're not bad though, are they? It's a great snack for 39p. So that's an original Cheeto. That's what I used to think of as a Cheeto. Am I wrong? used to think of as a Cheeto. Am I wrong? No. I think it's close enough.

But now they're all soft. Yeah, they're all sort of twizzle things. They're all sort of like variations on a Watsit now, aren't they? Yeah. That's not right at all. It's not right at all. But, you know, we're here to shout the good favours. And, of course, in the States, you have all sorts of different types of Cheetos,

but hot fries is what people go for. And we've talked about those on the show. Yes, we have. Yes, we have. Yes, we have. Paul, you've become

more and more like demented as this recording has gone on. Imagine trying to do a podcast where you have to talk and then there's like someone sticking a really, really sharp thing

in the side of your jaw. You need to go to the dentist. I do. I can't afford it. Those are crunchy cheese Cheetos, which I've been enjoying. What would you give those, Paul? Three and a half. Yeah.

Three and a half. It's not the same thing, but it's a nice enough facsimile. On an upcoming episode, I will be buying my little discovery, which is an Argentinian snack, very similar. Yes. Which contains real cheese and are called Fonzies. Well, let's find out more about Fonzies in a later episode. What else have you got for Cheap Eats?

One last item on Cheap Eats. Excellent. These are Muncher Green Peas. W-L. They're Muncher Green Peas. Describe that packet, Paul. Well, it doesn't. Also, the other thing to mention about the Cheetos,

where's Chester? Where's the cheetah? What did he get done? Chester got done for touching kids. Touching? On the front of the packets. Baby? Babies.

Let's just not do the fucking comedy mascot touches a fucking kid and it's all a bit dark. Let's not do that right now. Well, I wasn't going to do that. I was just asking about it. I know you were. I was. So fucking rein it in's all a bit dark. Let's not do that right now. Well, I wasn't going to do that. I was just asking about it. I was. I know you were. I was.

So fucking rein it in. I'm pulling back. And then what? Putting it in someone's mouth? No, I'm just pulling out. Shut up! So, the other thing, sorry, before we move on

to the next item. Oh, God, cheaters. Yeah. There is no sign of the cheater on these Cheetos. No, they got rid of him. I wonder why that is. He's just fallen out of favour.

He's not as cool. They haven't got rid of him on those other packs, though, have they? He's there, Chester. Small pack, maybe there's no room. Is he called Chester? Chester. Cheetos. Keep it to yourself because I don't care. Don't email the show. Well, I do, Paul. Please do email the show. And anything about noodles. Email Eli on LonelyTroll at gmail.com. Fuck you. Right. Moving on to the peas. Paul, you're going to need to take some painkillers before we do the next bit, yeah?

Because you're fucking losing it. It's so easy for you to say. You're getting so tetchy. Go on. These are muncher green peas. Yes, you've said that. You're so tetchy. You just don't want to do it at all. Come on, come on. Let's just not do the show, Paul. No, you've said that. You're so techy.

You just don't want to do it at all. Let's just not do the show. As you can see, if you look at the photo, there's photos of all of the stuff on Cheap Eats on our website. www.thecheapshow.co.uk Please visit there. Now, these are muncher peas. These are from

Indonesia, I believe. Philippines, sorry. Product of the Philippines. Yeah. I bought them in a Chinese grocery store on Goldstone Kinglands Road. Nice bit of colour. Thank you. That's all you need to say.

That's fine. There is some kind of superhero riding a rocket holding one of these peas. He isn't mentioned. They don't mention his name. Pea Lord. I would have thought Super Pea Pe mentioned. They don't mention his name. Pea Lord. I would have thought Super Pea Pea. Yeah, of course you would. Captain Pea Hole. Sergeant Peas.

Sergeant Peas is fucking good. Sergeant Peas. He looks like Superman and crossed with the sort of Hamburglar. But he wouldn't need to ride a rocket if he was Superman. He's got some kind of mask over his eyes making him look like a bandito.

He's a bad boy, pee-stealing motherfucker. Maybe he's like the Green Lantern of peas. Meaning what would he do with peas if he was the Green Lantern of peas? If he holds a pea, he can imagine any weapon he wants in the world. That's good. Yeah, maybe he is because he is holding a pea there. Yeah. Whilst riding a little personalised rocket. So maybe peas to him

is like spinach for Popeye. He is cool. Look at him. He's not fucking cool. That's a joke. I like him. Don't you like him? No, I don't think I have no emotional attachment to him. He's not fucking cool. That's a joke. I like him. Don't you like him? Captain Pee-Pee? I have no emotional attachment to him. Captain Pee-Hole? Can we eat the peas? Smell the Pee-Hole?

Smell my pee-pee-hole? Grow up. Grow up. God. Grow up. Pee-pee-hole. Grow up. Pee-pee-hole.

Grow up. Yeah, grow up. You're 45. I'm 42. Shut up. I'm opening the muncher. That's what he said. He said, whatever. Grow up, he opening the muncher that's what he said

she said whatever blow up he says and then says that just open up your peas this is it also has a sort of Pac-Man

sort of rip off yeah in the branding WL has a big pea that is just like one of the well just like Pac-Man really

oh god I can't get in that's what he said to her. That's what she said. You open them, I'll open them. That's going to explode

all over the pod. Then there'll be peas in a pod. Use your key. Use the tool. This fucking tool. Oh, my tooth. Don't fucking use your teeth. Right, there, you've got it. You This fucking tool. I mean tooth. Don't fucking use your teeth. Right, there, you've done it.

You've done it. I've done it. Give me some peas. That's all they are. They're just peas. Yeah, they are dried peas. Like you'd get in a Bombay mix or something. What do you think?

They're sweet peas. Are they sweet? Crunchy. They've got a bit of a... They've got a salt and sweetening. Like a kind of meaty flavour. I like those. I really like those. They're a nice little snack. They have a've got a salt and sweetening. Like a kind of meaty flavour? I like those. I really like those.

They're a nice little snack. They have a sweetness and a saltiness and then a pea sort of vegetable... Is it like a

paprikery kind of flavour they've given it? I know what you mean. It's a kind of smoky almost. Very Moorish.

Imagine those going extremely well with cold beer or something. Yeah. Alright. I'll give that four out of five. I'll give it four as well.

Very nice. Nice. And it's got USA, dried peas, lentils and chickpeas, the standard for quality. It's got a quality mark there. But it's made in the... Oh, you spilt the peas into the pod.

Pick them up. This is original flavour. So that seems to suggest to me they've probably got other flavours. Perhaps chilli peas? Salt and vinegar? No. No? It's the Philippines, they don't use salt and vinegar. Oh, yeah. Lime and... Salt and vinegar? Lime and something. Have you noticed that

in America now, they're sort of introducing salt and vinegar as a flavour option, and it's sort of they're all like, ooh, I love salt and vinegar. What's this crazy thing? Well, with an American accent. Aye, shit, I love that salt and vinegar. Hey, I I love salt and vinegar. What's this crazy thing? Well, with an American accent. Aye, shit, I love that salt and vinegar. Hey, I love that salt and vinegar. Hey, what's this new, this artisanal salt and vinegar? It's a Bobby Dazzler, I tell you.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And we're just like, yeah, mate, it's fucking salt and vinegar, innit? We invented the sausage roll. No, you didn't. So that's original flavour, because I've come across these peas before. How tasty were they? Of course, the first time I saw this kind of pea was the wasabi peas, which is Japanese,

which have the hot wasabi on. I like that. They're nice as well, aren't they? This is just much plainer. Nice, simple snack. It's still very nice. Yeah, it's got a bit of flavour, which I didn't expect. And the other thing, and these are like garden peas.

Yeah. Why was this never a snack in Britain? Well, if you know and you're out there and you're listening and you're lonely. Because peas is part of the very traditional British diet. You know, fish fingers and peas, for example, Paul. I bet growing up in fucking Depression-era Merseyside, as you did. You know, backward Depression-era Merseyside, where you're licking the streets for extra nutrients and shit.

Never piss off a scouser with a toothache. Never piss off a scouser with a toothache. Never piss off a scouser with a toothache. Fucking hell. I bet you had peas though. Mushy peas. And I hate mushy peas. But didn't you have

meals where your mother served you peas? Yeah, of course you had peas with your roast dinner. That's what I'm trying to say. What kind of person

do you think I am? I'm not a civilised monster. The green pea is a standard British item of foodstuff. But the dried pea as a snack is not. Maybe it was because they had to store more dried peas in the Philippines for whatever reason,

whereas in the UK you could pick them fresh and they were more of a dessert. It was hard to tell. So therefore it was easier for them to sell dried peas. I don't fucking know! And I don't care! Well, this is the... God, I had toothache! I know, man.

We've got an episode and a bit to go. Well, you're going to have to fucking do something about it, Paul. If you go, if you're going to be this ratty... Don't want to hear you bit to go. Well, you're going to have to fucking do something about it, Paul. If you go, if you're going to be Don't want to hear you talking about fucking peas. If you're going to Can't do it.

Well, that's my last item, so there you go. Well, what a great section of the show that was. Well, I thought, by and large, you had a nice

selection of stuff there. And what was your favourite? Peas. Definitely the peas. Then Cheetos. And the silly chews were just whatever. Silly sour stuff. Look, can I just say to the confectionery industry? Yeah. Start with the sour. Then Cheetos. And the silly... And the silly chews were just whatever. Silly sour stuff.

Look, can I just say to the confectionery industry? Yeah. Stop with the sour. Give us something nice. Give us something hot. You remember those hot ones? Yeah.

I like hot ones. But they used to taste like soap. Like the jawbreakers. They were hot jawbreakers. Always tastes a bit soapy to me. A bit soapy to you? To me. Shut up.

Right, that's it. Fucking shut up. Well done. Well played. So. right that's it well done well played so there's a sadness I'll just describe this to the listeners there's a sadness in Paul's

lovely eyes we did do it in the 50th episode and people were disappointed not to the point where the episode was diluted in any way but just that they thought oh I thought

they were going to do that and we didn't so what are you talking about Paul that'd be a good thing to mention we are playing the comedy fucking goldmine that is

don't get mad yes ladies and gentlemen we're doing it again back by popular demand yeah but don't don't people realize that when you do something like this you go oh that was lightning in a bottle

that was great that was funny we did it a second time it was like all right we did this would be the third time we're doing it third time we're doing it and i just worry that's not going to be funny well because we know what the formula is if that worry stopped you from doing anything in your life paul you would never get out of bed. Well, some days I don't want to. Well, that's got dark, so. Well, I'm having a difficult time right now. Okay. So we are going to play Don't Get Mad.

But you're going to be the straight guy on this one. We'll see, because right now my tooth is making this situation much more volatile. All right. Much more volatile, Mr. Silverman. Okay. Okay, Paul. It's just this constant. Nagging pain. Null pain that's just shooting up and down myman. Okay. Okay, Paul. It's just this constant nagging pain. Null pain

that's just shooting up and down my jaw. Oh. Making the side of my face feel lumpy and sensitive. Oh, God. And

if I could, I would take a small animal, let's just say a gerbil. Why? And just take out all the stress on the crunching bones beneath that gerbil's

soft skin. What has it done to you? It hasn't made your tooth hurt. I wanted eyes to pop out, and as it does, only then, only then, only then can I get my Thorphy cock out. Right. I'm just, whatever. Yeah, that didn't work.

Didn't work at all. You were scared you weren't going to be funny, and then you weren't funny. Well, at least I stuck to the landing. Okay. All right? Yeah. So, here's how the game goes. Right.

We're going to roll a little thing onto this zero to nine grid twice. It will give us a two digit number. D10 is what you'd need. Don't add. Don't. Don't add to this. What? Don't add to it?

Yeah. We haven't got anything to roll on. The only fucking thing in it. We haven't got anything to roll on the screen to pick out the numbers. We need a rolling. Have you got a penny? Yeah. All right. Give us a penny.

So, spin it twice. Whatever two numbers it lands on gives us the scenario we're going to play out. Again, you will try and deal with that

in a sensible and rational way and try not to get mad. That's the aim of the game, yeah? To don't get mad. Now, I believe it's within you

to be able to do this. But then no one will find it funny at all if I actually don't get mad, Paul, I believe it's within you to be able to do this. But then no one will find it funny at all if I actually don't get mad, Paul. I think this would be a good time to see if we could do comedy with restraint. Okay. All right? Yes.

So I just don't get mad? I think... I just play the scenario and try and do it in a... I think you need to just go, I'm an actor, I'm a performer, I've got to see myself inside the child and I'm performing it. You know? So imagine yourself inside a performer. I've got to see myself inside the child. I'm performing. You know?

So imagine yourself inside a child. The reason why Eli's not a paid actor? Then. Oh, fuck. Just then. Oh, right. Just then. I'm going to spin this.

I'm a paid actor. Cunt. Fuck you. Being paid twice doesn't really count. I've been paid more than twice Paul right fucking hell man

can I spin this coin that guy tries and tries to fucking bring his talent to the masses yeah spin the fucking coin I'm really mad

here we go I'm spinning it now and it's spinning and it's close to the nine and it's gone to nine so that's the first one next one is are we doing all the spins at once

I don't need two numbers 96 is the one we're going to go for so I'm just going to nine. So that's the first one. Next one is... Are we doing all the spins at once? No. I need two numbers. 96 is the one we're going to go for. So I'm just going to scroll to 96. Is that hundreds and up yet? Apparently. Wow. 96.

Let me just get into the headspace. Okay, ready? Wendy was trying to practice for her dance recital, but her brother and his friends were making fun of her. Wendy felt like she could tell on them. What should Wendy do? So you're going to be Wendy. Okay.

And I'm going to be your naughty brother. Yes. And you're going to do your dance recital. Yes. So what I need you to do is imagine just now you're doing a pirouette. Yes. You know, you're dancing, you're doing your stretches. I want you to imagine yourself as a little girl.

Yes. Eli, Princess, Princess Eli, with a little tutu on. And I'm getting a chub. Just a bit of it. The chub trades to the station. Can we start the scene? Yes.

Paul gets erections when thinking about his co-host as a small child. Not off. Right, okay. Here we go. And begin scenario. Oh, I've got to practice my dancing. Oh, shut up.

I've got to practice my dancing. You like an impression if she says, Oh, I'm Frank Spencer. Well, if the impression was good enough, you wouldn't have to say you're Frank Spencer. I didn't say. I said, Oh, I've got to practice my dancing. You're like an impressionist who says, oh, oh, I'm Frank Spencer. Well, if the impression was good enough, you wouldn't have to say you're Frank Spencer. I didn't say. I said, oh, I've got to practice my dancing. You just read into it that I said I was a little girl. Can I start again?

Yeah. Oh, I'm a little girl. I have to point out who I am because I can't deliver it through character. No, look, watch this, right? Start again. Go on. Oh, I've got a lovely leotard on that my mummy gave me. And now I'm going to practice.

Oh, do one and a one and a two. Wendy. What is it? I'm trying to practice. As a woman, there's a glass ceiling in your life and you'll never go through it because society keeps women down through lack of pay and basic moral justice. And so never get your dreams too high because you'll be retired by the age of 21 if you become a dancer

and therefore you'll never really achieve much more than that and your bones will be out of shape and out of shape and you'll put it all in for what? One dance recital? One moment in your life where you won a little award?

And then what happens, Wendy? What happens then? You're in Tesco again saying it's just one more week and then you'll start a new job but it never happens and the next minute you know you're 40, Wendy.

And when you're 40, Wendy, no one's going to love you. What's that dance recital going to do for you then? Nothing. What a waste of time Wendy. Right! I'm telling mum! I'm telling mum you fucking touched me inappropriately! You fucking bastard! That's it! You're going to jail Derek! You're going to fucking jail for kiddie fiddlers! And I'm shitting! I've shat the leotard! Riddlers! And I'm shitting! I've shat the leotard!

I'm wiping shit in your fucking scale electrics! I thought we were past that. I thought we were past that. It's not the first one! What? You didn't let me fucking talk. You went on a monologue. I was giving you an idea of how tough women find it when they want to go into more, what people would argue, as more feminine pursuits professionally. That's such horse shit. I'm just saying

I was trying to put it into a bit more deeper context and just plain old bullying. I wanted to get an idea of her lot in life. I picked up on that. And you, no, you didn't. You broke character and just became Eli again. I did not. Dirty Eli. Dirty Eli. Oh, touch me. That's the only thing I can do to get out of this. Touch me. I've been touched. Spin the fucking... Grow up. Spin the coin. If we can't of this. Touch me. I've been touched. Spin the fucking... Grow up.

Spin the coin. If we can't do this properly, we're never doing this again. Spin the coin. Spinning the coin. All right, here we go. I'm not impressed. Fucking shut up. That's five.

Stop trying to fucking... Five. Five. Fifty-five. Right. Fucking hell. Scrolling down to fifty-five. Thirty-eight. Fifty-five. Right. Fucking hell. Scrolling down to fifty-five. Thirty-eight.

Fifty-five. Okay. Ashley saw Brittany cut in the lunch line. We've done this one. No, we haven't. Ashley saw Brittany

cut into the lunch line. Ashley felt like cutting in front of Brittany. What do you think Ashley should do? So, you're Ashley.

Hello. And you see me, Brittany. Brittany. So you're waiting in the queue and I'm Brittany, alright? Oh, I'm going to have some hash browns. Hey, do you mind if I just come in here? I'm just going to come in here. Well, I was...

No, no, no. I'm prettier than you, so stand behind me. I want to get fish fingers. I've been waiting. Sorry, I'm just going to cut in. Thank you. I've been waiting here, Brittany. Brittany, why are you ignoring me? Don't ignore me, Brittany.

I've been waiting here for hours, Brittany. Brittany, if you do that, then I can fucking... Go on, Eli. Where are you going to go? Just wondering where this is going to. If you do that, then I can cut in front of you. I'll punch you in the tit. I'm going to fucking punch you right in the tit, you fucking bitch. How dare you?

I'm going to spit into your food as well. I'm putting your food in me pants. I've put your fish fingers right in my fishy clam. And I'm going to spit into your food as well. I'm putting your food in me pants. I've put your fish fingers right in my fishy clam. And I'm wiping it. I'm fucking taking a shit on your fucking tray. Ashley. No, I'm Ashley. Sorry, Brittany.

Fucking. Oh, baby. Eat my shit one more time. All right. So I've got toothache. I'm in a really hot box. And I've got Eli dancing, standing up,

shoving, through mime, fish fingers, up his front bottom. Right. We should have cut in the line, should you? Oh, is that the reason why?

The fucking consequences! It's just pathetic. This is that the reason why? The fucking consequences. It's just pathetic. This is what it's all come down to now. It's just, this is so rote and cliche. Well, they wanted it. Perhaps they'll stop asking for it. Is this what we're doing? We're purposely going to make this trite so they don't ask for it again?

Wait, it's beyond trite. It's gone weird. Right, I'm just going to spin this again. Spin the coin one more time. One more time. This could be it. One and 19. Right, here we go.

I enjoy this. I'm sorry. I know you don't enjoy anything. Daphne really wanted a puppy for her birthday, but she didn't get one. Let me get the character. I want a puppy. She felt like complaining to her parents that her birthday had been ruined. What do you think Daphne should do?

Right, we'll play it out, yeah. So, mummy. Wait there. Daddy. Wait there. Mummy. I'm just going to be daddy for this. Okay, daddy.

All right. Daddy. Yes, love, how can I help you? I hope you had a lovely birthday yesterday. I hope you had a lovely time. We put a lot of time and effort and money into that birthday party to have all your friends come along. Yeah, it was...

It was a lovely day. I'm glad you enjoyed it, yes. I did enjoy it. It was a lovely day. You put a lot of effort in. Just before you go any further, young Daphne, if you say one word out of place, I will strike you. So if you say anything that might make me a bit annoyed or a bit sad or a bit angry

or a bit like you're being really, really rude and ignorant and I'm grateful, then I will strike you. So think about that before you say your next sentence, Daphne. Have you finished talking now? Yes, I have. Yes, I have, Daphne. So when you're ready to go. I'm Daphne.

I'm the focus of this fucking sketch. I'm just saying, though. Why am I northern? I don't know. It's because we did two accents. Our own and a stupid northern one. Yeah. Right. I'm just saying, though. Why am I northern? I don't know. Because we do two accents. Our own and a stupid northern one. Yeah. Right, I'm Ashley.

Hello. No, you're not. You're Daphne. Daphne. I'm Dashley. I'm Flab-Laf-Sley. I'm editing that out. Let's start this again.

No. So, with that in mind, what do you have to say, Daphne? I wanted a puppy. Right. But you knew that we couldn't get you one because... For my birthday. Why? Because... Why couldn't get you one for my birthday. Why? Because, as you know,

why couldn't I have one? Younger brother, Jackie boy. Jackie boy? What about Jackie boy? He's allergic to dogs and if we got one, he would come out in hives

and potentially choke on his own tongue. I don't fucking care. So we can't get a puppy in the house, unfortunately. We've had this discussion with you, Daphne. I've told you,

father, I've told you, I know we've had this discussion. Stop talking to me like my line manager at work, Daphne. And I've told you, I will not have it. I have told you I know we've had this discussion stop talking to me like my line manager at work and I've told you I have told you daddy dearest that you can get non allergenic

puppies which are hairless and they only cost a few quid more you can get a hairless chihuahua which keeps itself clean I've seen them in the shop they keep themselves clean by licking their own bollocks, which is a bit unsightly, but it's a puppy.

Daphne, you live in a fancy world. And then little, what did you call him? Jackie Boy. Jackie Boy. My brother, Jackie Boy. You haven't got a nice nickname for me, do you? Yeah. What's my nickname?

Ungrateful Cow. You should have got me a fucking dog. Now I'm going to shit myself. Stop doing that. Right, you've ruined my birthday, and now, for every single birthday that comes, I'm gonna take a shit in my room, no matter what age I am,

and I'm gonna draw a dog, draw Pluto from the Disney films, in shit, on my wall. Running out of steam, Eli. Running out of steam. Take a shit! Take a shit! Take a shit take a shit take a shit

right well what I will do as your father and from a bygone age when this was acceptable I'm going to strike you you're going to strike me now I promise

I'm going to fucking strike you right oh ah yeah I like it I like it no we're not doing a scene where I

make my daughter get off on her beatings we're not doing it we are we just did. All right, well, tell you what we're going to do. We're going to do one where I get to be. You know, you can set the scenario up for me. Okay, right, this is it then, yeah?

Now... See, I can do this. I can do it without getting mad. You try and push me, and I'll keep a level head. Okay. Well, let's... So we're going to reverse the roles. Yes.

Paul will be the one who's trying to don't get mad great sentence that by the way six one 61 alright so

scroll up to 61 61 ok you ready yeah hit me with it you got boys ok good good good you don't have to do

a silly northern accent I will Christopher I'm Christopher. Wanted to be class president. What's that? Head of the class. Gets to boss people about.

But Sandra got more votes. That's me, Sandra. Right. Christopher felt like doing something mean to Sandra. What do you think Christopher should do? Okay. Paul, do you want to start this scene? I'm Christopher.

Yes. And you're? Sandra. Paul, do you want to start this scene? I'm Christopher. Yes. And you're? Sandra. Sandra, sorry, Sandra. Congratulations, Sandra. It was a well-fought battle, and I believe, quite rightly, in the end, you did win. Yes, I got more votes than you. Only by a small amount, though.

It was at least six or seven votes, Christopher. And that means I am class president. And as first female president of this class, I would just like to say, Christopher gives me funny looks. Christopher looks at me funny. And I think Christopher should have to. This is my first degree as class president. Christopher has to wear his pants on the outside.

And so his skid marks are showing. And we all laugh at him when he comes in and go, Oh, Matthew Hardbottom. That's his name now. Matthew Skiddypants. Even though it's Christopher, I think Matthew works better in this context. And I am Sandra. And I shall be carried on a sedan chair

in and I will point at you because I have that mandate from the class, Christopher. Twelve points. Twelve clear points in there and you must wear your skiddy panty pants all day long.

What have you got to say to that, Christopher? Well, I will happily wear my pants on the outside, if that's what you decree, because you are in absolute power. And I will show to the world as well that my pants are skid-free, and that I have the cleanest anus on class, and my underpants will be testament to my shiny bot-bot. Well, maybe that's true, but... So, I am unfazed.

As class president, I'm going to force you to take the paint set out, and mix the brown by mixing all the other colours together. That's how you get a really deep chestnutty brown. And then you take your panties and you paint on artificial fake skid marks. I shall do that and I shall call it performance art

and I shall be renowned as that edgy child art child. There's no art budget in this classroom. What do you want from me? I want you... What do you want from me? ...to admit that you're a dirty skid marker and you never even you never

What's this really about though, Sandra? It's about What's this really about though, Sandra? Let's talk about you. It's about my incontinence. I've pissed everywhere all the time. Is that what it is, Sandra? Yes.

Is that what it is? You got a bit of power and it's gone to your head, Sandra. And I'm the worst enemy you've got. How sad, Sandra. Christopher, you're sc've got. How sad, Sandra. Christopher, you're scaring me. How sad, Sandra. How sad, Sandra.

You know what I'm going to do, Sandra? What? You know what? I've noticed that your dad gives me funny looks when he picks you up from the car park and I'm just going to make a little phone call to say I think your daddy may have a thing about...

What little boys? My dad wants to fuck little boys. Is that what you're trying to say, Paul? Sorry, cut the scene. That's what you just said. Cut the scene. That's what you just said. I tried to keep it on shit,

but you've gone paedophilia. And then, well, well, well, well, well. Oh, don't do that, Christopher. I'm sorry. I'll give you some executive powers in my new government in class. And then what I'll do is... How about that? No, and then what I'll do is. I'll give you some executive powers in my new government in class. And then what I'll do is... How about that?

No. How about that? And then what I'll do is, Sandra... I'll let you be in charge of the pencils. It's too late for that, Sandra. You'll be getting in charge of the whiteboard. Our moment of peace was gone, Sandra, but now it's full of retribution. Here's what's going to happen.

I'm going to end up in your daddy's car. And I'm going to end my life in the back of your daddy's car holding a note saying he never loved me like he promised he would. And then your daddy will go to jail because everyone will think he's killed me. And I will laugh for me on the grave, Sandra. I'll laugh for me on the grave

because I didn't get to be class president. President? Speak right. I have toothache. You fucker. Right. The scene.

That stunk it mad for the final time. Is that the last one? Let's do one last one with you. Because everyone will be listening going, oh, I wish they hadn't ended with Paul. It was a little bit dark and edgy. You awful.

And it was all horrible. Fucking awful. So here's one for you. Spin the coin. Here's one. Here we go. Let's just... 20.

Right. 26. 26. Here we go. The last one. Okay. Oh, God. Tony was carefully drawing a picture of his mother

when Bobby accidentally bumped into it and ruined it. Tony felt like ruining one of Bobby's paintings. What should Tony do? Okay. So you're going to be Tony. Yes. And I'm Bobby. I've bumped your picture of your mum.

Yeah. Okay. We'll do the actual incident as well from before the incident. Okay. Okay. So here we go. Oh, I'm drawing a picture of Mummy. Excuse me, excuse me, Tony.

Oh, you've... Oh. What's your name? Bobby. Bobby, you've made me... I'm so sorry. You've made me jump and I've ruined this picture. I've been spending hours on this picture, Bobby. I didn't mean to.

My shoelace is what I've done. And you've ruined it. Look, totally. It looks like she's got a've ruined it. It totally looks like she's got a moustache now. It looks like she's got a spiky moustache. That's not my mum. My mum doesn't look like that. Why is your mummy in the nudies? Why is your mummy drawn in the nudies? Because that's how I see her.

Oh. Oh, God. You've ruined it anyway. You've ruined it. How can I fix it? You can't. I will have to take retribution by destroying some of your pictures. Show me some of your pictures. Here's a picture of my dead father who I miss so much. I'm going to take a huge shit on that picture. I'm shitting on it.

That's what you deserve. And I'm smearing my shit all on you. Oh, daddy. Oh, god, I'm so angry. Oh, I miss you, daddy. Oh, shit. Smear this shit up and down. Oh, daddy. Oh, God, I'm so angry. Oh, I miss you, daddy. Oh, shit. Smear the shit up and down.

Smear the shit. Stop this. We're never doing this section again. Smear the shit. We're never doing this again. Smear shit everywhere.

We're never doing this section again. It's so beneath us. Beneath us. Right. Yeah. That was Don't Get Mad.

That was Thank you. for the fuss. Right. Yeah. That was Don't Get Mad. That was... Thank you. And that's Cheap Show

for another week. Okay. So, thank you for... Please tune in next week. Not next week, because we... Whenever the next one comes out. Three a month.

So, just wait. If you've only just listened to this one, calm down. I'm all sweaty from Don't Get Mad. Follow us on Twitter at thecheapshowpod or you can follow us on twitter at the cheap show pod or you

can follow me on twitter at paul gannon show where can they get you on twitter eli eli snoid that's e-l-s sorry twat eli snoid that's e-l-i-s-n-o-i-d on twitter and if you want to and if you listen to us on itunes please give us a five star rating and a little review because it actually helps us go up in the charts a little bit apparently that's how they sort out analytics so what if they give us a one-star review? I don't know. Don't do that. That wouldn't be good, would it?

Don't do that. But it helps our profile anyway. It's something to do with analytics and metadata. I don't know, fucking whatever. It's not a big deal. But if you're on iTunes, then that'd be great. Great hype there. If you want to go to our website,

you can go to thecheapshow.co.uk. And when you go there, every episode has an annotated page with pictures and images and all kinds of lovely things to accompany the things that you hear. You don't have to have the pictures there, but if you want to, every episode has an annotated page with pictures and images and all kinds of lovely things to accompany the things that you hear. You don't have to have the pictures there, but if you want to, they're there. They're there.

And email us any questions you have. Thecheapshow at gmail.com. Ask Cheap Show. Ask Cheap Show, yes. Hashtag on Twitter. Finally. And finally. But not finally.

I mean, lastly but not finally. Yes. Lastly but not less importantly. Get on with it. We'd just like to say a really big thank you to our patrons who are supporting us via Patreon. Thank you very much. Even if you give a dollar and you think that's not enough, I wish I could give more. Don't worry.

It's enough. It's fine. It's fine. The fact that you've given it all is amazing. It's amazing. And we appreciate it because if every one of our listeners gave us just one dollar, we still make a couple of thousand dollars. That would be fucking sweet

and I could spend money on painkillers for my fucking tooth and a dentist we could get you some heroin Paul we might do that some street black tar heroin patreon.com forward slash cheap show and when you donate

depending on what level of money you donate there are little gifts and prizes and things that you get that no one else gets as a cheap show audience listener and what would those include Paul? exclusive podcast bits and and things that you get that no one else gets as a Cheap Show audience listener. And what would those include, Paul? Exclusive podcast. Ooh. Bits and bobs that you haven't sent still.

We need to get around to sending more art. You will receive a little bit of tap for my collection. But we'll make it a big bumper one for the people we've missed out now for the last time. Okay, that's coming. Just to let know that's coming. And I've got lots of little sketches I've done. Yeah, it's all good. Lots of little bits of artwork.

Lovely. Winging your way dear Patreon Patreon hopefully before the end of September we'll give you a big fat bumper one yeah good anything else

that's it no I've got toothache and it all hurts alright we've got another whole episode to record oh I know oh I know

good and with that in mind we just want to say thank you for listening thanks for listening bye bye we do god it's so much pain With that in mind, we just want to say thank you for listening. Thanks for listening. Bye. Bye.

God, it's so much pain. Shit.