CheapShow - Ep 54: An Acting Masterclass

Episode Date: September 30, 2017

CheapShow 54 aims its spotlight at the theatrical stage in an episode dedicated to the life and appalling acting talents of 19th century actor Robert Coates. But is Eli a worse actor? You can find out as Paul reads Eli another demented tale of low life larks. It's not just story time on CheapShow, the cheap chaps also present another "Mi Casa, Su Casa" segment which leaves both pretty offended and underwhelmed... And we jump into another pile of vile vinyl in "Silverman's Platter" that takes in a tour of 80's novelty music, a Cabbage Patch Dolls concept album and the jaunty tunes of one of the UK's most racist 70's comedians. Oh what fun! CheapShow was recorded at "The Pod" at White City Place. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Right, whenever you're ready, do your intro. I'm not going to mess around with it this time. Good, because I don't. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. It's me. Is it too loud? Yeah, too loud. Not the best start.

I'm going to do what I'm going to do, Paul. What I'm going to do. Is awful. Yes. Just say yes. You're nodding with me, so you agree. Yes, Paul. Psychologically. Yes, Uncle Paul. to do, Paul, and what I'm going to do... Is awful. Yes. Just say yes. You're nodding with me, so you agree. Yes, Paul. Psychologically.

Yes, Uncle Paul. Say yes, Paul. Say... Yes, Paul. Not a lot. Oh, and Bruce Forsythe's died since we last recorded an episode of Cheap Show. I can't go... You made me do a snot.

It came out my nose. Oh, fucking... You're sucking up your own snot. Right, we've reached new lows. Do you want a tissue? No, I've got a tissue. This tissue's not too bad. I've got one.

Oh, no, that was with cake on. I'm going to have to... I've got cake on my nose. Have you got some kind of fancy Kit Kat there? Yeah, it was a green tea Kit Kat. Oh, you lucky bitch. Who gave you that? Friend.

Better friend. Oh, God, it exploded out of my nose. Oh, not that. Right, sorry. Begin your intro now. I do apologise. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. My name's Eli Silverman

and you're listening to episode 54 Hello, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Eli Silverman, and you're listening to episode 54 of the podcast you know and love. It's called Cheap Show. I'm one of the hosts. Here's the other host. It's Paul Gannon, everybody. Paul, yay! So, you know, like, if someone listens to this podcast

for the first time, say they just, I don't know, put on iTunes and it was, like, recommended new episode of Cheap Show, and they put this one on, this is their first experience of Cheap Show, all they just, I don't know, put on iTunes and it was like, recommended new episode of Cheap Show and they put this one on, this is their first experience of Cheap Show. Yeah. All they're going to hear

is you and your stupid fucking voice and they're going to go, these guys are knobheads. I don't know what to talk about, Paul. I don't know what you're talking about. It's Cheap Show, isn't it? It's Cheap Show. Ooh, ladies and gentlemen,

where was Cheap Show? I mean, like... Shut up! Welcome to Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Cheap Show. Hey, you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of Cheap Show, you're going to have to fucking reset.

Alright? It's a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to fucking reset. Moodle time. Tales from the dance floor. Alright, how's the big guy? The price of the site? This is George Gammon saying hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show.

You're not going on nozzle. Right, good. Hello, welcome to the show. Hello. It's the A Comedy Comedy Podcast for your ears. It's the A Comedy Comedy Podcast for your ears. You really have to stop doing that fucking voice. Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah, please do. Or I'm going to take a pound. All right, give me a pound back. No, every time you do that voice, I'm taking a pound. Don't be stealing money. So, there you go, a pound. That's not, this is, I don't recognise this. But did you stop doing the voice?

No. So was it, there you go. No, fucking give me the. Mate, seriously. I'm taking these. Oh, I won't do the voice. Now you know what it's like. You can earn those two pounds back over the course of this episode.

Okay, by doing my normal voice. By behaving. All right. If I think at any point you step out of line, you're not getting a quid back. All right. This has got really bad, Paul. I'm just saying, If you don't fucking behave You're not getting these two quids back

And I'm going to make it as fair as possible I'm not going to be a tyrant Eli I'm not going to be a tyrant I'm going to be a fair king I'm touching your hand I'm looking into your eyes This doesn't come across I'm going to be truthful to you

I'm getting a bit Yeah, are they invading your personal space? Yeah. It feels a bit weird and clammy, your hand, and warm. And stop moving the fingers. Please. Right. So, it's episode 54, Paul.

It is. Of Cheap Show. Yes. And this might not be episode 54, in case I put a house of pickles in the middle of it. So, we just don't know. I've already said episode 54 a lot of times. I have to stick to that, though, since you've said it. Since you've said it, I have to stick to it then since you've said it I have to stick to it

little caveat for people listening still got toothache, same recording session as last time in agony, taking some painkillers a little bit better a little bit better but obviously anything can happen in the next hour what? by anything you mean you probably losing your temper

because you've got a toothache again? It's very likely. Okay. It's very likely. So, with that in mind, welcome to Cheap Show. Hello. We're going to just quickly mention again that we are recording this in the pod at White City Place, and they've given us this space to record it. It's a fantastic little spot. It certainly is cosy.

It's very cosy. Spot. Did you combine the word spot and pod there? Yes. Spot. I like it. So we're in a nice little spot. Lovely pod spot. Yes. And again, we've got the desk, the round table desk we've got in front of us. And there's a little naughty boy looking in. He's a naughty boy.

Hello. You're not coming in. No. Piss off. Hello. Hello. We need a recording session. I'm sorry.

Sorry, man. That really happened, everybody. That's one of the downfalls of the pod as a recording space, is you get... Urchins. Fucking little urchins sticking their head in and opening the door when they were asked not to. We definitely gave him a shake of the head.

He saw the seriousness in your eyes, Paul. I was looking very serious. Very fatherly. And this is a man with a toothache. And he cares not of criminal proceedings right now. No, you don't. He cares not of rubbing a child up the wrong way. Oh, come on.

I mean, come on. Getting on their bad side. Even worse. It's not. I'm just saying there's no naughty little urchin going to ruin this cheap show. No, and he hasn't. So don't let him. But that is the problem.

Well, we should have locked the door. But anyway, we're in the pod in White City Place. I'm locking the door now. Locking it in. Excellent. We're locked in. We're locked in the pod now, everybody. We're locked in the problem. Well, we should have locked the door. But anyway, we're in the pod in White City Place. I'm locking the door now. Locking it in. Excellent. We're locked in. We're locked in the pod now, everybody. We're locked in the pod.

No more little naughty children popping their heads in and saying, please, governor. He didn't say anything. He just went, oh, sorry. Why fucking? Oh, anyway, he was a child. Because naughty. Naughty boy.

He was just checking out the pod. He was a naughty boy. Naughty boy. Right, it's over. Thank you to White City Place for letting us have Right, it's over. Thank you to White City Place for letting us have this recording studio once again. Thank you to them. And also Paige Branson,

who helped design the logo. Going to give a shout out again to her PayPal tip jar, where you can donate as little or as lot as you want, a one-off payment. If you go to paypal.me forward slash Paige Branson, spelled P-A-G-E-B-R-A-N-S-O-N,

then you can, on our behalf, thank her with a small donation for her tip jar. She is and she has been a marvellous contribution to Cheap Show. I like the logo. It's a lovely logo. It's a nice little picture. There's a Reddit page as well now for us. Did you know about this? No.

Reddit has a Cheap Show page. You can go on there and talk to other Cheap Show fans and leave comments. Have a cheapskate. Or the cheapskate. You can leave little comments there and talk to other Cheap Show fans and leave comments. Have a cheapskate. Or the cheapskate. You can leave little comments there and recipes and noodles. Recipes. Some people have given you suggestions for how to eat a noodle. Maybe we should check

out the Reddit page. I will. Reddit.com forward slash Cheap Show. I should say, if anyone's feeling a certain lack of noodle talk in the last episode. I'm not. I'm not. I know you're not. Thanks for bringing it up, Paul, though. That's very grown up.

Thank you. Very grown up of you. There will be. There will be. A noodle special. Yes. And it is something special, isn't it? Me and Paul have been planning it,

the structure of it. Well, mostly you. Yes. So that means if you don't plan it, we can't do it. So this is all in your hand. I'm doing it now. I've written things down.

Have you? Yes. Really don't believe me. I've written things down have you yes really don't i've written the word noodle special i've bought a whole new notebook and i've written noodle special on the first page anyway right so it's in the works it's in the works a noodle hot topic special yes it's coming at you before the end of the year right yes right yes right we're not doing this i'm just concerned that you don't have the impetus to do it. I fucking have the impetus, mate. I'm fucking Mr. Impetus.

No, impotence. You get confused. Your girlfriend calls you Mr. Impotence. Oh, my God, the punnery. Do you want a quid back? Do you want a quid back? Stop holding that over me. Do you want a quid back?

I'm not what? I'm not allowed to say anything critical of you? No. Okay, now you're great, and also your puns are brilliant. Impotent, yeah, funny. Thank you. This might be coming back to say anything critical of you. No. Okay, no, you're great. And also your puns are brilliant. Impotent, yeah. Thank you. This might be coming back to you a little bit more. Can I just add that I'm homeless, or appear to be,

and also like to suck tramps off and stuff, you know? Well, it's good to hear you be so honest. I get it off your chest. I have to wipe it off my chest with a fucking... With a squeegee. Oh, I'm giving you a quid back because you went the extra step. You went the little extra step. A bit obvious.

I've got a tramp cum squeegee device, which I use to wipe it off my chest. You've had your moment. You've got your quid back. There's still one more quid on the board, all right? What have you got coming up on the show, Paul? Well, we're going to start off right now with our newest section that we haven't done in a while. Mikasa Tsukasa. And what happens in this section, Paul?

Well, when we're out and about in the charity shops of Great Britain or the car boot sales we might see a little something that goes I bet Eli would like that I bet Eli needs that

and then you think the same thing oh Paul Paul might like this even though it's not Ghostbusters related but if it is even better

even bonus bonus Tsukasa bonus Tsukasa and then I might pick that up for Paul. It's a little gift. It's not an exchange. It's a peace offering between the two of us. It's a moment where we, mi casa.

Pete, just remember you said that, peace offering, because that's relevant. Oh. To su casa. So who wants to go first then? You go first. All right. Okay. So I was in a charity shop.

Paul. It was, what? What is your mi casa? Well, mi casa today. You were in a charity shop. Paul. It was, what? What is your Mikasa? Mikasa today. You were in a charity shop? Yeah. Big, wow. That's a good way to start the story.

I was in a cat protection charity shop. Cat protection league? Yeah. Does it say, go on, did you look after my pussy? No, it doesn't say that. Oh.

Neutering prevents AIDS in cats. Yes. Because it does. It does say that on the sign. Yeah. It's quite bold, isn't it? The saddest face my cat ever pulled was when I took it to have its balls snipped when it was seven months. Did it have a sad face?

The saddest face. It's almost as if he knew he was coming back lighter. It's for his best. Oh, it's really raining outside the pod now, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, it's rain, rain, but we're warm inside the pod. We're warm and cosy. It's kind of nice to look out the window, isn't it? And just see all the rain coming down and the lady with the umbrella and the people getting wet.

They really are. Because they just couldn't judge the weather today. It's been very changeable and that's a real downpour. It's a real downpour. A cloudburst, they call it. Can we stop talking about the fucking weather now? Can we stop talking about the weather? I think it's probably...

Oh, it's nice this, isn't it? It's like being in a tent on a campsite. It's raining and we're alone and it's raining down and you move a bit too close to me and I touch your knee by accident and then I give you such a handjob. Instead of the handjob, can we just put the rain check on the handjob? Please introduce your Mikasa item. So you're in the Cats Protection League.

I saw a book that I think you might like. Okay. Something that you might read and benefit from. It's called The Highway Code for Happiness. Oh. By Michael and Hilary Potter. Parrot. Parrot.

Weirdo. Learn to fucking read. Okay. Okay. Huh? Huh? It's weird. Look, we're in a section now

Yeah, alright, good Now this is the highway code for happiness that Paul's got me Because he thinks I'm unhappy You are, you said in the last episode You had a sad dream about touching a girl who gave you intimacy That's true And you were quite open about it And I quite rightly shut that down

This is a second hand item It is Because I can see in the first page, it was given to someone in 2011. Oh. The person who gave it was called Samuel Hefseload. You call me Hefseload. Because of what I'm inside you.

I don't know if Hefseload's inside you. Well, what do you think that says? Hef as local. Hepfusical. It's a weird name. Sam Hepfusical. And it's blessed. It saysazocal. It's a weird name. It's a weird name. It's Sam Hephazocal. And it's bless. It says bless you.

Bless I. Bless. Bliss. Bless. Bless from. Sam Hephazocal. Anyway. You too.

We'll never know who to. And they obviously either learnt their whole highway code for happiness. And became happy. Or thought, oh, this piece of shit is cluttering up my fucking drawer. And it was from that cunt Sam Hefty. And every time I look at it, it just shows you that I haven't figured my life out yet. So he takes a bin bag full of his belongings down to a charity shop. This book being one of them.

And he leaves it on there. His one opportunity for happiness left on the doorstep of a charity shop. It's all like the highway code. So it's all in that special special highways of great britain font as if you're learning the road signs and the the rules and the roads yes god right searching should i look what's the contents of the book contents you've got on page nine yeah which is a good detail that everyone needs to know searching for happiness. Unmet longing. That's what you would... Yeah. Life needs meaning.

Does your life have meaning, Eli? This is meaning. We give happiness to people with our podcast. And the last chapter in Searching for Happiness, where are we going? Oh God, that's deep. Then, so those are the issues. And then in the next chapter, managing the mind.

Understanding ourselves. Training the mind. Okay. And then in the next chapter, managing the mind. Oh. Understanding ourselves. Mm. Training the mind. Okay. Don't think about Fanny. Things like that. I'm not coming up thinking about it.

Go on. Don't mention wanking. Stress and de-stress. Wanking. Yeah, it is. And dreams, goals, and plans. Now, what's dreams? We can look up your dreams.

Okay. No, but that doesn't mean dreams like that. It means dreams as in ambitions. Oh. It doesn't mean funny little anxiety dreams about not being loved by a lady in a long time. Unmet longing. I think that covers it.

All right, yeah. Let's see what I should do. what I should do. The desire is so deep that as the body needs breath, so the heart craves happiness. This is shit,

this book. I already think so. Why, then, is this universal longing so often unmet? Because you're a lonely, ugly, dirty,

smelly, fucking gnome. Why? The answer lies in the very nature of happiness. A child who tries to catch his own shadow will always be empty-handed. And a mental child. What's Billy doing? He's running around the walls.

Oh yeah, he's trying to capture his shadow in a jar. That kid needs help. It's an analogy, Paul. Don't care how big it is. As he runs, the shadow runs from him. But let him turn and face the sun And run towards it And he finds his shadow follows him Deep

Pro fucking found Makes you think though, doesn't it? Not really Seek happiness for itself And it escapes us But if we aim for better Other, better, higher things We are more likely to find it we can discover happiness

when we're not looking for it yeah i think this is kind of based on mindfulness isn't it let's have a mind i'll have a look at this right building the character um character doesn't stay still everybody grows older when everyone grows up character that's fucking true character can go both ways i still like playing with some people end up as bundles of complaint and grievousness oh doesn't sound like anyone i know paul miserable and like spreading their misery around eli others often in the face of adversity or the teeth of oppression never stop growing the face of adversity or the teeth of oppression never stop growing.

When the Bible says... I never stop growing. Did you notice that? What the Bible says is true. Oh my God. Suffering produces perseverance. Perseverance, character, and character, hope. So what they're saying is to really be happy, you've got to go through hell. You've got to be the survivor of...

What is this book saying? Here's how to be happy with a bit of help from god probably it's sort of mindfulness it's sort of like yeah on the back it says true contentment is true contentment i'll try that again yeah would you on the back it says true contentment is the elusive piece of the jigsaw for many or just a stupid thing to say. Even hopeful. There's no such thing. Here is some practical and down-to-earth advice on how to find it. Michael and Hilary Perrett

offer valuable insights from their wide experience. This is rich wisdom. Okay, fine. Well, there you go. Nice little book for you. You might find contentment through that book. I bought that generally to see if it will help you. You want me to read? I want you to be happy, Eli. I want you to be happy. You don't. I do.

As soon as I got out of true contentment, it's the end of the podcast, Paul. But then, my work on this planet is done. At what? And then I get to jump into the... This is like Quantum Leap. It's the longest episode of Quantum Leap. You're the Quantum Leap? Yeah, I'm Sam Beckett. He's inside me right now. Is he? And Al goes,

Ziggy says you gotta got to make Eli happy. It shouldn't take that long. Ten years later, just read the fucking book. All right, this doesn't sound like it's a good book for him. So I can go home. Right, okay, thanks, Paul. You're not happy with that, are you? I'm not going to read it.

I'm too cynical. Maybe I will read it. Maybe you should give it a read. It's the stuff I know about. Well, then why are you ignoring it? Maybe I will read it. Maybe you should give it a read. It's the stuff I know about. Well, then why are you ignoring it? Because, you know, it's like mindfulness meets, you know. What's the last page say?

Only joking. Live shit. You're a cunt. Fuck off. Is it time for a suitcase, sir? Yes. You're not getting that quid back. Paul?

Yes? I just like this item and I just didn't think about How I'm going to try and change you Or how I'm trying to do to you I just thought This is something cool I thought this was a nice gesture The happiness highway fucking code

Yeah Give me a fucking break I shit on it Don't do that Don't get mad again Right Are you ready Yeah Oh what is this

It's Apache Big Chief toy excellent It's a little action figure Of a very racist interpretation of Why is it racist Because I don't think by and large they look like that This with halter tops It's a lady

Yeah but I don't think they look like that. With halter tops. It's a lady. Yeah, but I don't think they had polo jumpers back then. Back when? Back in the days when there was... Try not to get in a quagmire here. I'm not trying to. I've got weight, but wait. There are sweets involved. Yes.

Glucose, sugar, what? So there's sweets and a toy. You see the little sweets and the toy. It's a sweet and toy combo pack. That's a strange thing, though, because it's in a box. And it's in a box. There you go. It's a toy for you.

It's a badly painted small toy of a Native American. I've got to open this up. It's a lady, though. It's quite large-breasted. Oh, right. So what have you got? Can we just please describe the figure properly, please? It's a thin, plastic, Native American action figure with a headdress.

It looks like traffic cones on her head. Two little tiny traffic cones. She's a lady. She's a lady. Would you keep pointing out, which I find really unsettling. She's not a chief, is she? So it's a misnomer as well. You can't be the chief if you're a lady, can you?

I don't know. I don't know. Probably can. I mean, I just don't know. Apparently they had multiple genders. Well, that's very progressive of them. I don't know how that works. And then the white man came and know. Apparently they had multiple genders. Well, that's very progressive of them. I don't know how that works. And then the white man came and shat all over her.

What did they have? Blankets. Man. Woman. Blanket man. Smoke dwelling man. Oh, God. I don't know.

But congratulations on making an effort there, I think, with that. So she's wearing a green top, but only on the front because the back's not painted at all. So it looks like she's got just a spray-on green top. A spray-on green front top. Does it even go around her neck? No. Just clamped on like a big sort of plate. It's just the front's been painted.

I'm just trying to imagine as if it was a real item. Well, don't, because it's not. So she's wearing a little leafy trouser dress. What do they call that? A grass skirt. A skirt of some kind. But it makes it look like she's got a big full nappy or something. Yeah, like a big...

Or like a big wanger. I'm just going to let that hang. Yeah, it does hang like a massive wanger in front of her. Shut up! And that, again, has no back, does it? No, but it comes with a little staff. Is there any articulation in the legs? No, and it breaks if you try.

Have you broken it? No. That's for you, Paul it's sue casser describe her uh she gets has two accessories she has an accessory she has a staff with a snake wrapped around it a cobra she that makes me think she's kind of a medicine woman she's some kind of doctor quinn medicine lady she's a shaman she can smoke cast spells that's pretty all right be honest that is quite cool her stuff style, isn't it, with the cobra on it. And she's got a horn

for bugling. She's got the horn. Like a... Seriously, mate. Is that what you're going to? We've done these gags as well. We need to do better. We need to do better.

God, we can't have this conversation now. We are having this conversation now. We need to do better because you can't just say big wang, big tits, girl, horn,

give me... It's not good enough it's not cheap show level good enough what is cheap show level paul frothy cock willy bums oh i shot the bed vera oh you know that stuff and then there's some sweets are you going to taste the sweets yeah so the figure's fine it's all right it's not fine they haven't painted it at all on the back and all of the sections of the body in the back have big screw holes on them. Yeah, it's a nasty cheap toy. It's incredibly nasty and cheap and anorexically thin this Apache Chief looks as well, doesn't

she? Just a bad mould. Right, so I'm going to open the sweets now. God, it's all sticky like the paint. That is a terrible item. Right, here are the sweets. The little pellets. Like tiny Tic Tacs, like smaller Tic Tacs, half the size. They're little... Pellets. Pellets. Like tiny Tic Tacs.

Like smaller Tic Tacs. Half the size. They're not the same shape as a Tic Tac. Just a lump of sugar, yeah? Horrible. It's very floral. Yeah. Try one.

All right. They taste like nanny's mints. Yeah, they're... They're not good. They're just very bad. The whole thing is very bad. Who's it manufactured by? Well, I thought it said Arse, but it just says Ages 3+. I think it's is very bad. Who's it manufactured by? Well, I thought it said ASP.

It just says Ages 3+. I think it's on the back. That's for the hoods. No, it's Maxed Toys. M-A-X-X-T Toys. Well, and it was 99p here, it says as well. Oh, I shouldn't have. Sorry. Oh, no.

Maxi Toys. Well, you spent 40p on the fucking highway code for happiness. Yeah, and I think that'll be... Not that it's a comparison or anything, but I spent over twice as the fucking highway code for happiness. Yeah, and I think that'll be... Not that it's a comparison or anything, but I spent over twice as much on my toy for you. So who's me-casser and who's su-casser? Me-casser's much better. Me-casser's all over your bastard arse.

Really? Grabbing your groin? I was grabbing my groin, everybody. Pathetic. Pathetic. What do you think? Pathetic. Worst me-casser su-casser ever. Really? I'm not happy with that.

You're obviously not happy with what I thought a touching gesture to try and get some happiness in your life. Look at the staff. Her staff of power, though. You like the staff. I know. And she cast a spell. On me. On anyone who dares cross her.

Right. That's a good toy. It's not. Look, it's a person of colour and it's a lady. That's a positive toy for a little boy, maybe. It's going in the bin. Almost instantly in the bin. And the sweets,

they're going in the bin too. Yeah, they're nasty. I want you to read that book. I want you to try and make a difference to your life and read that book. You promise me? No. You promise me you'll read that book and get back to me? I don't want to read the fucking book and make a difference for you. I need to change for me,

Paul. Well, why don't you? Why should I? If I'm not unhappy, I'm fine. You are unhappy. And if you're not, you should be. You have bad mental hygiene, my friend. How dare you? You can't lecture me about being

unhappy. I can't believe I'm doing the Trump thing with my fucking hand. I know, I just saw it. It's quite addictive when you get into it. Yeah, you can't lecture me on mental health because your mental hygiene is off the level. Well, I like to think that we're discussing it as adults. It's off the hook shit. You fuck up.

In the head, I'm doing the voice again. What am I doing? What am I doing? You want that quid back? You're not getting this quid back. In fact, I'm pushing it further away from you with every moment. I spent more money on that bloody figure. It's better. I win this non-competition.

It's because you spent more money on it. I win the non-competition. It's not meant to be a competition. Yeah, that's what I just said. Yeah, but you said, who got the best one? Me, me, me, me. So I win the non-competition. Is it the end of this section?

Yes. What else are we doing? It's one of our most popular segments on the Cheap Show as we have it, and it's called Silverman's Platter. What's on the platter today? We've got a few items on the platter today, Paul. Starting with our first item. What is our first item today?

You're telling me, you knob scratch. All right, dick boy. It's something I picked up the other day. Don't you call me dick boy. You know what people don't like when you do that little angry voice? It doesn't work. Stop. Don't hit me.

Stop. You can't. Listen. I've got two fake. I've got your money. You need to step in line. All right. We're doing Silverman's.

We started that item well. I picked this up the other day, ladies and gentlemen. On Parker Brothers Music, it is the Cabbage Patch Kids LP, Cabbage Patch Dreams is the name of the LP. Now, it sounds awful, but let's give a bit of context. The Cabbage Patch Kids were a line of toys released in the mid to late 80s. Well, this record is from 1984. So it's got to be around then, then. Yes.

83, 84, right? And it was just a toy line where it was little, very uniquely designed dolls with a kind of moon face, hand-stitched look to it, you know, that were all unique. Everyone was unique. But how were they all unique? It was just some slight thing. Different coloured hair, eye colour, a beauty spot, the way they were dressed the something about the manufacturing technique

they managed to make something unique about every dog yeah and everyone came with a specific birth certificate so it was all unique you have adopted sandra that was the whole selling point wasn't it the uniqueness and they were cool cabbage patch Kids because they were grown magically in Cabbage Patch Patches. Removing the messy business of human penises and vaginas. And it was one of the biggest toys of the 80s, full stop. There are videos of parents

trying to get them for Christmas and being violent with each other. I think it was one of the first times that that was in the media, a sort of crazed toy that drove people to... It was definitely one of the first, if not the first.

I think Star Wars stuff, maybe, there might have been some of that. Yeah, I cried in demand for that. But yeah, this was like crazy, though. I remember at the time, the craze. People were beating each other up in stores to get their hands on them and travelling hundreds of miles for toy shops and finding out which ones were getting the stock in that year because if their kid couldn't get a Cabbage Patch dog for Christmas.

Yes. And was there, there must have been a cartoon as well. There probably was. Because this is the era of Reaganomics, ladies and gentlemen. Yes. And what Reagan did, he... Why did you point to the Cabbage Patch dolls? I'm just trying to...

As if there was a Cabbage Patch Ronald Reagan doll, which there might have been, to be fair. Famously, he deregulated every area of the economy in the States. So he deregulated the financial markets and everything, which led to Wall Street going huge. But he also did it in terms of advertising and children's television.

And cross-promotion, yeah. So before, there were a lot of rules in place, laws in place, where you couldn't have a TV show for kids that was simply an advert for a toy. But after the deregulation that Reagan brought in, you could. That is what this is, because there's

tracks on here that are simply describing a toy, really, to a child. It's sort of like, you are a special friend, and I hug you at the night, and you are good,

and everyone's special, and it all is basically an ad for the toy. Well, no, it's basically a concept album featuring the Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. So there's a story running through it of these villains who want to get rid of the Cabbage Patch dolls because of reason. But it is part of that whole era

where you can see this wasn't conceived as a creative project before the toy came along. The toy was the first thing which led to this. Do you see what I mean? And someone said, hey, you're two songwriters, right? Can you write us a couple of songs? We've got this toy and this is the concept. So the concept isn't coming from creative people trying to make good shows for kids. It's coming directly from the toy manufacturers trying to sell the stuff.

You see what I mean? So in that way, it is very emblematic or typical of kind of Reagan-era toys. Like He-Man and Transformers being the other ones. Captain Planet. All of those. They're toys first, and then the creative thing. Transformers. Yeah.

So, you know, all that shit. And again, it's like, we just needed to come up with a story, a hero's journey for these characters. And they've got to learn something along the way. But what we're going to do is play a song from the album right now. It's not the theme tune to Carriage Patch Kids. It's a song called Villains 3. And why did we decide to play this song from the album? Because this has the villains of the piece.

Yes. Introducing them. There's a girl villain. Yes. Called Valance. She's called Lavender, I believe. I don them. There's a girl villain. Yes. Called Valant, she's called Lavender, I believe. I don't know.

I don't know. Anyway, but as we listened to this, Paul, we noticed her two henchmen, one who's the cabbage eater and the other one who is

a cunning snake in the grass. A cunning snake in the grass. Greedy. They're kind of racist and stereotyped, aren't they? Just a little bit leading to the stereo. The cabbage eater, kind of the negro. Greedy. They're kind of racist and stereotyped, aren't they? Just a little bit leaning to the stereo. The cabbage eater

kind of the negro you know. It's the Br'er Rabbit kind of Br'er Bear. The country pumpkin style negro stereotype. I mean, we don't know who did the voices, so I couldn't even tell you. And the snake is quite clearly

an Easter European Jew. Yeah. Basically, isn't he? It's very Fagin-esque, isn't it? It's like, I like my gold and my treasure. And he is like,

we'll get it in the bank. And the voice is very... Even more so than the kind of Negro voice, right? So, reasonably offensive. Reasonably offensive character, Shores.

Very offensive, I'd say. Let's listen to a little bit of it now. The whole album has a kind of... Oh, God. Let me just listen to... Let them listen to it. All right.

Lavender went and found the biggest and ugliest jackrabbit in the county. And who are you? I'm Cabbage Jack. Cabbages, cabbages, yum, yum, yum. Cabbages, cabbages, give me some. A cabbage for my dinner, a cabbage for my snack. Cabbages all the time, cabbages. For cabbage, Jack.

Very good. And from out of his hole in the swamp south of the cabbage patch came a slithery, slimy weasel. And who are you? For weasel at your service, Miss McDade. So pleased to meet you. When do I get paid? Nickels, dimes and quarters make a satisfying drink. But gold, gold, gold is so much simpler.

Don't you think? Right, so I've put a little clip to demonstrate the voices, right? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of racist. Just a little bit. Very. Just a little bit very just a little bit very it's certainly even if it was but they're trying to be inclusive with the design of the dolls because you do have was like care bears as well remember all that stuff as well care bears what had a nasty

jew character no but they had a movie didn't they that had just an excuse to sell more toys because they brought in the care bear cousins right yeah were they racist though no the villain in that was a book that scared me remember the book and like it opened up and had a because they brought in the Care Bear Cousins for you. Were they racist though? No, the villain in that was a book that scared me. Remember the book? And like, it had a woman's face in the middle. It was a woman?

Yeah. Well, no, I don't think that was the implication. She was just a witch in a book. Yeah, witch. That's a negative stereotype

for women, isn't it? You don't get male witches, do you? They're wizards. But that's a warlock sounds cool, doesn't it? It does, you're right, actually. It doesn't sound like

an ugly old crone, does it? You've made a very good sociological point. Thank you. It's not the like an ugly old clown, does it? You've made a very good sociological point. Thank you. It's not the right word. But anyway, this is also available on cassette. And I was going to say before, don't show me the quid. It's fine.

We're doing fine here. So also, it has a very country and western style. Yeah, good old boys. You might have noticed from that tune. And the production standards are very high. It's very well produced. And the instrumentation are very high. It's very well produced. And the instrumentation is all very slickly recorded. Well sung.

It's fine. For what it is. Child performers singing their things. It's just cloying and horrible. And disgusting. A disgusting sort of cash-in with the racism and sort of stereotypes. And also the way they have Babyland, which is the cabbage patch, where they have bumblebees that are like bunnies. And also the way they have baby land, which is the cabbage patch. Creepy.

Where they have bumblebees that are like bunnies. Yeah. And they're like, they're created from the ground. So it's like all avoiding, again, sort of proper sex education about where babies really come from. You grow them in the ground out of cabbages. Yeah. And then you give them to strangers. Is that where I came from? Yeah.

Why would mummy and daddy? You look like the worst cabbage-packed doll in the world. Like one that was pulled up by its feet. It doesn't matter. I'm a little cabbage monster. I'm a little zombie plant monster. It's like a fucking...

If it wasn't a kid's toy range, it could be a 1950s sci-fi horror film, couldn't it? You just don't know. They might be the midwitch cuckoos. Did they grow out of the... I don't know. I think they just turned up, didn'tos. Did they grow out of the ground? I don't know. No, I think they just turned up, didn't they?

They were like alien kids. Yeah, but they were born of humans. Don't look at me. No, that's Village of the Damned. Oh, what am I thinking of? Midwich Cuckoos is something else, which John Wyndham. Anyway, you're thinking... Is that what...

Perhaps Midwich Cuckoos was the book that Village of the Damned, the film was based on. Yeah, maybe that's it then. So I think it's the same idea anyway can we stop talking about it now I'm bored fuck me

have you got anything else to add to Coward Patch Kids we've heard a bit of the song we think it's a bit dubious still high production value are we going to have a bit of the theme right at the very end

of the episode okay you look forward to that ladies and gentlemen we're saving the happy ending for the happy ending right you've deflated me by saying that was boring.

Well done. What's the next one? Brilliant production technique. We just spent a lot of time on that one. I was just getting bored and zoning out. Sun's come out. Next one. All-time sing-along party hits.

Yeah, it's lovely now. It was raining before. It's all bright and lovely. There's people walking and there's people listening. Talk about Bernard Manning's comedy sing-along Knees Up Party album. It's not called that, Paul. But next on...

Silverman's Platter. What have we got? By the way, Cabbage Patch Kids, two out of five. Two out of five? Yeah. Yeah. Well made, but pointless. Nothing fun about it and also the stereotypes. Yeah. Actually quite stereotyped. Yeah, just a little bit unpleasant.

Unpleasant. Anyway, what's this one? This is, talking of racism, Paul, Bernard Manning and Joe Piano Henderson's all-time sing-along party hits. Oh, sounds fun. And these sing-along party hits include Yeah. Trudy.

Oh. Little Brown Jug. Oh. Lambeth Walk. Nice. Old Lang Syne. Beautiful. I Love Lassie. Good. Knees Up Mother Brown. Of course you do. Nice. Old Lang Syne. Beautiful. I Love Lassie.

Good. Knees Up Mother Brown. Of course you do. Hokey Cokey. At once. Paddy McGinty's Goat. I've heard of that. Saints Go Marching In.

Lovely. We'll Keep a Welcome. I need it. Stop Your Tickling Jock. I try. Racist. Coming Round the Mountain. Racist.

If You're Irish, Come Into the Parlour. Racist. So. So. It's a good old round-the-piano sing-along. And Bernard Manning is a comedian from the North whose execution in terms of delivery, timing of stand-up comedy is textbook perfect. It's just he deals in sexism and racism like you would not believe. And he's one of those working men's club stand-up comedian from the north ladies and gentlemen we've got a lovely

night family in here tonight but i'm gonna do a racist gag for you get up to a nice warm friendly start and he was just to hear that was his stock in trade yeah that sort of stuff but you're right technically a good i never offended anyone i make fun of everyone the same everyone the same sort of mostly blacks though yeah right mostly people of color that's what you want to go yeah exactly I make fun of everyone the same. Everyone the same. Sort of. No. Mostly blacks, though, Bernard Manning, right? Mostly people of colour. That's what you want to get at. Yeah, exactly. So that's him.

So he's singing on this. Because he is a singer. And on the cover, you've got his massive head. Yeah. And it's as if he's standing behind the piano. With a load of lovely saucy ladies. Some saucy ladies and a guy with a big nose there. Yeah.

Drinking a pint in one of those old-fashioned segmented pint pot glasses. Good old pub British blokes. They are blokes. And then he is obviously with the piano player. He looks like Lenny Henry from Game for a Laugh. Joe Piano Henderson. Well, to me, he looks like the hoax of going for gold. He looks like he's got dodgy teeth.

He looks like he's got gum disease of some sort. He probably does, but he has to smile when he plays the piano, doesn't he? He's always smiling. He's smiling, Joe. So we're going to play a little track, sung by Bernard Manning himself. It's called If You Knew Susie. If You Knew Susie. Here we go.

I have got a sweetie known as Susie In the words of Shakespeare, she's a wow Though all of you may know her too I'd like to shout right now. If you knew Susie like I know Susie. Oh, oh, oh, what a girl. There's none so classy as that fair lassie. Oh, oh, holy Moses, what a chassis. We went riding, she didn't bore

From the country, I'm the one that had to walk If you knew Susie like I know Susie Oh, oh, what a girl Come on, Joe, play love Well, what a lovely knees up that was Not really, it's crazy depressing That takes me back to a Britain that I think a lot of us miss The pre-Europe Britain

You know, when we weren't involved with Germany It takes me back to a Britain just after the Second World War That was better, where everyone was happier And we didn't have so many people mixing This was released in 1979 79 It's so strange that this was sort of a cultural thing They didn't have so many people mixing. This was released in 1979. You know what I mean? 79. It's so strange that this was sort of a cultural thing that people would actually get this,

stick it on at a party, whatever, you know, when they had the relatives round. In the year of 1979, where you have things going on in culture, like punk rock is already two years old. Yeah. I mean, and this is still acceptable. That Britain still exists, though. There are still pockets of that Britain.

But what would the equivalent of someone buying this all-time sing-along party hits and sticking it on their party? Like my nan. My nan who has her 70th birthday, who I've ened down the road, who's somehow managed to live through 300. Would they listen to something like that?

Yes, they'd hire out the local pub or they'll hire out a town hall and they'll stick that on. They'll actually stick that on? Yeah, and it's in the background while they talk about better days gone by when you can leave your front door open. You know what I mean?

Just weird. It's a part of Britain that doesn't exist anymore, but without being too controversial, it's that slice of Britain, the pro-exit Brexit, the leave people want to go back to. But it never existed. It never existed.

It's a fantasy. Yeah, it's a fantasy of this good old Britain. It's the same Britain around the piano who are stuck onto the fact that we won the second world war and the world cut once in 1966 and that's still Britain it's like yeah but it was

60, 70 years ago there's a rainbow rainbow from the pod Paul it's a special moment episode 54 when the rainbow came out racist records racist records

on the rainbow so yeah and on the back it's very the music the quality of the music is very poor he's a terrible singer

who's just yeah but didn't they say he used to open for Frank Sinatra in Las Vegas for a few years yeah he opens for Frank Sinatra I don't think he maybe sang do you think he sang?

He probably just did a story and then sang a tune or something. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Las Vegas. We've got Frank Sinatra on, but I know you're here to see me, lady. Hey, are you all right, love? You enjoying yourself? Why don't you tell your face, you fucking cunt? Anyway, Frank Sinatra is going to come on stage and glass some woman

and then sing I Did It My Way. Right, okay. so, yeah. And it's all, a lot of it, and you've got the people having the party, you can hear them in between the tracks. Cheering and clapping. Yay! Yay! To keep the party atmosphere going. So that's to keep the atmosphere going. So it is

a ready-made party on a record. And if you're a serial killer, and, you know, you do your murders in silence, why not drag them back to your flat, put this on. Very loudly. Very loudly and use the dulcet tones of Bernard Manning to drown out your slaughter. These two artistes, it says on the back, Paul, together with Joe's Rhythm Group and the Michael John Singers, make all-time sing-along party hits a perfect party LP.

Or, indeed, just the record to play at almost any time. party hits a perfect party LP or indeed just the record to play at almost any time any time any time whether on your own yeah

to cheer yourself up or with happy sing-along group of friends around you if you imagine putting this on to cheer yourself up

when you're on your own I can just envision it you're in a terrible. I can just envision it. You're in a terrible little stinky, greasy bed set on the seafront in Wigan or something. You know? Yeah. And you stick this on and it's all crackly. Knees up, Mother Brown.

Knees up, Mother Brown. And you drink some methylated spirits. Have some peas. You know, I'm trying to get... I'm trying to provide content that people want to fucking listen to, you know, about our records and stuff. But you are just losing it. What do you give that album out of five one out of five i really

didn't like it depresses me the whole concept of it it's just a weird just just no it's too light entertainment just it's beyond light entertainment it's it's i would go with you or that i would say one it's if you're connected to that material and it reminds you of a better time you're gonna love it if you're me it makes you think you've reached the lowest part of your life there's no change on the way really depressing yeah yeah so the last song i think we're going to talk about today is something i found in a shop in oxfam in cambridge and it is tribe of tots john ketley is a weatherman and so is Michael Fish. Simon Parkin's always larking, Eric Lane

is the same. Jonathan Ross collects moss, John Ketley. John Ketley! John Ketley! He's a weatherman. John Ketley is a weatherman, a weatherman, a weatherman. John Ketley is a weatherman and so is Michael Fish. I like that song.

I know it's a novelty song. That's what I was going to bring up. It's a novelty tune. It was marketed or was a hit because of the novelty value of the John Ketley being a weatherman. Not your usual subject for a pop song, is it? No, at all. It was very surreal. Did it chart?

Do you know what? I actually don't know. Let's do the research then, shall we? John Ketley is a weatherman. A 1988 novelty song written by the band The Tribe of Toffs from Sunderland. The song peaked at number 21 in the UK singles. Okay, so not a huge hit.

Back then, it probably would have made some dough. John Ketley, if you don't know, referred in the title, is a British weatherman who at a time presented national forecasts on BBC TV. So he was there saying there's a cold front coming in and it's going to

be warm around 20. And there must be a sort of a warmth towards him because there was a warmth towards this record I remember at the time. Everyone saw must be a warmth towards him because there was a warmth towards this record I remember at the time. It was, everyone saw it as a bit of fun.

It was a bit more celebrity status to being a weatherman back then because there were a few of them and they were more well known. Yes, there were

because now they're just 10 or 10, aren't they? Yeah. Well, the song lists all the celebrities in the song. So we've got John Ketley,

Michael Fish, Bill Giles. Michael Fish, of course, was the one who... There is no hurricane coming. There is no hurricane. And then there was a hurricane. There fucking was.

There was quite a lot of damage. I was in a shed. I was in a shed in the 86 hurricane. Socking dick, chick tea. And the shed blew over. Oh, great. And you were sitting

on the toilet with your pants down. No, there was no toilet in the shed. You were shaking the air going, oh. It was in my bedroom shed. It was a bedroom shed

I shared with another pupil in my another pupil. Why do you sound like a Harry Potter character now? I was at boarding school. Anyway. I am Harry Potter-like. Yeah. More than you. I thought you're not magical. Fucking am. And the scar you got on your head from was when you were pissed and fell over. How did Harry Potter get a scar? He was born with it.

Oh, actually, the magic that was used to protect him caused him to have a scar on his head. You asked Right so Ian McCaskill Wincy Willis Bernard Davy I know McCaskill Yeah

And none of those other ones Wincy Willis was famous For doing TVAM's weather Wincy Willis Yeah A real name Peter Snow Mark Barino

Simon Parkin Eric Lane Jonathan Ross Lester Pig Jonathan Ross Yeah He gets a name check in it He was around in 1988

Is he a weatherman No he was just around in 1988 Is he a weatherman? No he was just around in 1988 Not all the people on the song Are weathermen So what? Is there a bit where they go These are some celebrities They just slip it in

They just slip it in In the rhyme So you know Senna He owes me a tenner Lester Piggott And what does John Ketley owe them? I mean I did listen to this

Nothing He didn't owe them anything He's just a weatherman That's the point of the joke isn't it? The song is like All these people have rhyming jobs But anything. He's just a weatherman. That's the point of the joke, isn't it? The song is like, all these people have rhyming jobs, but John Ketley is a weatherman. Ah, so it's like subverting.

It's like, oh, I've gone to, I couldn't give you a buck, but I sure do want to put it over there. It's like that. It's that kind of joke. It's not like that. Oh, I've got a real big hit in the charts, and now I'm going to take a massive penny and put it...

Give my quid back. No. Lester Piggott, David Icke. Oh, we all know David Icke. TV presenter, sportscaster and then... Sad, paranoid, delusion crazed man who believes lizards run the world. He quite literally believes a

Semitic tribe of lizards, aliens, is that right? And the moon does not exist. Yeah, or there's an alien spaceship on it or something. Oh, there's a spaceship behind a big screen. Jamming the signals. Yeah. So we all go, oh, we follow the rich men,

for they are our masters. That's how I will sheep. Sheeples, is that how sheeple, is that your sheeple impression? How are we sheeple? No. Johnny Moore, David Steele chuck knox andy crane they're all people referenced in the song there you go and this is what i wanted to play as well right now uh the b-side too which is a christmas hit and it's really good it's about a love song Christmas Eve I was feeling sick

Nothing on but the sound of music Suddenly I could not choose Between Linda Lussardi and Julie Andrews Christmas Day bored out of my brains There's Julie singing in the mountains Round paper packages tied up with strings You are one of my favourite things Oh yes Oh yes I'm afraid it's true

Julie Andrews We love you I think that's a B-side. I like it. The guitar work is quite high standard, I'd say. They've got,

they're obviously a serious band, weren't they? I don't know, because that was the only, apparently they're the only hits they had. Yeah, but that's what I mean. That was a hit because it had novelty. Yeah. But they're always an actual, you can tell by the quality of the tune, that they are an actual group. Yeah, I mean, they obviously went to a music school together.

Or whatever. Yeah. But they are an actual group, and the guitar's all right. It's sort of that indie, it's got that's got that indie vibe it's right before the 90s though isn't it so you're thinking this is right before like Wonderstuff

you can imagine they would have been part of that totally that's what I mean Chumbawamba, Wonderstuff that's what I mean there weren't a lot of these

novelty records it's a novelty record a lot of these novelty records are just put together by a cynical producer and a radio DJ or something that's not

they're an actual group it's a gimmicky song, but it's actually memorable and fun to listen to. And it wasn't just sort of created wholly as this artifact just to be a novelty record. It's a nice sing-along song. It's a group doing a novelty song.

It's better than Star Trekking by The Firm. Yeah. Which is fucking annoying. Or things we've covered on the platter section before. Like, you know, I'll Be Back. Yeah, that shit. And Mr. Angry and all that, you know. And that racist Scottish chip shop, Sean.

Yeah, Chinky Chips. We don't have to mention it again. Jesus, we'll just move on. So that's the platter. I'm going to give that four out of five. I like Tribe of Toffs. I'll give it three. Fair enough.

I'll give it three, Paul. Fair enough. Yeah. Can I have the quid back? If you give it five. I'll give it three and a five. Five out of five. We'll see. I don't even know why. five. Five out of five. We'll see.

I don't even know why. You've stolen a pound from me. It's there for you to get back. You can't do that. You can. What's coming up on the show, Paul? Well, it's our big finale now. Aha!

Aha! No, we can't say aha. No, we can't say that, no. It's like... All right. So what's coming up on the show now, Paul? We're going to be playing our finale. And what's that?

Well, let's find out. Ooh, what's this, avid listener? You may be aware that the sound quality has ever so slightly changed. Well, don't worry. We ran out of time in the pod, and so we've decided, just for you, to record a little bit more extra cheap show

just to pad it out. Aren't they lucky, Eli? They're extremely lucky, especially with my sound quality, which must be fucking shit. It's not great, but we're going to fix that. We're going to fix it, don't worry. And soon you too will be minty fresh, audibly, in someone's ear. The last time I was minty fresh was about 96.

Audibly, or in your mouth? In my mouth. Can we start again? Yeah, my breath smells. I like the idea of something being minty fresh in your... Your breath is lovely. It only ever so slightly smells of garbage, junk food and death.

Good, so what have we got for this section then, Paul? So, I went to a charity shop, right, and I found this amazing deal. Two books, 50p each, by Octopus Publishing. Oh yeah, I remember them. Yeah, nice big

thick books, hardback. Those were like in the 80s, didn't they do sort of picture photo books as well sort of with uh i think ghosts and stuff that kind of thing i think yeah that kind of thing i think uh so i got two books one is called the world's greatest cranks and crackpots by margaret nicholas and the second is called the world's greatest crooks and con men and other mischievous malfactors by nigel blundell now you see see, I can differentiate between a crook and a conman. They are criminals, but they both work in different ways.

A crook will just rip you off and won't sort of cover it up, and a conman will take you into their confidence and then use that as a way to rip you off. But what's the difference between a crackpot and a crank? Well, a crackpot is somewhat... Is it levels of insanity? I think crank... A crank's just slightly mad.

A crackpot is full wazoo, yeah? It's full blarney, ding-dong, wibble-wibble, flop-flop, ping-pong, I am the king of Sweden, blibble-blibble, ding-dong. You are now literally nicking lines from Blackadder. No, I might have said something similar to Blackadder, but I wasn't going... Yeah, kind of totally did the whole Blackadder thing. Oh, Mr. Original.

Yes, at least I am. Pulled me out. You're not. At least not every other thing I say is from some fucking forgotten episode of Bottom. No, every other thing that you say is fucking... I shat it. I shit the bed.

At least when I say I shat the bed, that was something I came up with. And you were there. You were there, Paul. I was there when the magic of you saying I shat the bed. Yes, using the verb. That's the clever bit

of that sentence. Oh, you turned shit into shat? Yes. Then that's your magic. That's part of the magic. Is that the gift that you give? Your... The gift of shat. Oh, I can't wait to open one of those books in the future. It's like The World's Greatest Wits and Bonvivers by

Margaret Nichols. And I open it and it's like, oh look, there's one about Chaucer and there's one about Oscar Wilde. And then, oh look, there's Eli. Oh, Eli, well-known for his quote, I shot a bat! Yeah.

Best believe it, Paul. Yeah. Yeah. So I can't remember what the fucking point was. Anyway, a crank is someone who's maybe a bit of a meanie, maybe, a bit of a curmudgeon, a bit of a tightwad, you could argue. I think it definitely overlaps with tightwad, doesn't it? Yes, and meanwhile, a crackpot

is a wibbly-wibbly. Yes, someone who's got the old tinfoil helmet. You know what they say, isn't it? If you're poor, you're crazy, but if you're rich, you're eccentric. Exactly. Also, if you're poor, you die sooner, and if you're rich, you're a but if you're rich you're eccentric exactly also if you're poor you you die sooner and if you're rich yeah you can't another one another one for the book yeah the world's greatest wits

and bomb diverse eli silverman listed again i can't wait lovely so anyway i went for these books because you know we like telling stories about i don't know you know the dirtiest the cheapest then you know all those kind of things i thought these books would be great for material like that and if we're being honest it is a complete steal from the dollop but i don't care don't say that don't just don't say that the reason why i don't care is a they're much better at it than us which is fine they're witter wittier they're wittier they're wittier clever clever more clever More articulate More articulate Well they are They are indeed

Or as you'd put it More More Articulate Shut up Meanwhile What we do Is a homage

To them And not a blatant steal Which in itself Would be true to Cheap Show Okay Okay You don't agree with me at all do you You just think it's me

desperately reaching for material to do i do not think that paul i think the bits that we've done which are sort of historical investigations with improvisation have been very good you know and a bit different from our usual calling each other a cunt for half an hour thing even though that would prove just as popular yeah but i i think you should sort of like uh play down the whole it this is like the dollop thing because no one needs to know that uh you know well then instead of calling this dollop ask we'll call it cheap show investigates yes by not doing much investigation just reading verbatim from wikipedia or a book he's found in a charity shop perfect it's not as catchy and it might be harder to work into a jingle but it's a start jingle my ass there we go there's another one for the book yeah isn't

it right so the book i'm going to read from today is a short story called... I'm going to read from The World's Greatest Cranks and Crackpots. I thought that would be a nice one to ease us in. And there's a nice short story here, which I thought would appeal to you somewhat. Because I feel, in some respects, you and the hero of this story will share a lot of problems, a lot of issues, familiar kind of heritage. Why do you say that, Paul? Because the story is called The World's Worst Actor. I see. Yes.

By struggling actor Eli Silverman, basic star, because he wrote it, of Clankerman, which means he got a free pass on that. Well done. Mate, I was in place as the lead on Clankerman from the start. Just want to say that. Yeah, I know. But then they saw the script and they were like,

oh Christ. Alright, let's get this drama school dropout in and then we'll get it done. Fuck off. Drama school dropout? I did my whole year with the French clown. Give me the story of the world's worst actor that isn't me. Because I'm just not the world's worst. Well, you're not great.

Because you can't do accents. You're not really good at emoting. Unless you're playing a version of yourself, you don't really do much. Fuck you. At least I have the basic ability to communicate with my mouth. Just start the story, Paul. Here is the story of the world's worst actor. Okay. So let's just start off with an example of this character.

Can I have his name? I'm reading it as the book reads it, so there's a bit of scene setting first before we get into the nitty-gritty of it all. Fuck me, all right. The performance of Romeo and Juliet was drawing to its close. Oh, I must say, again, this was written by Margaret Nichols, so all, what's the word, all credit to her.

She wrote all of this and we're just reading it out. She wrote it, yeah. I mean, this book was written in 1981 Are we going to pay her for this? The performance of Romeo and Juliet Was drawing to its close And Shakespeare's immortal lovers Were about to be reunited in death

But strange things were happening on stage Romeo appeared flourishing a crowbar And the audience sat dumbfounded As he struggled to prize open Juliet's tomb There's your opening gambit. What do you think about that? Right, so he's just basically... Already, he's got problems with props. Yeah. He's got problems with endings.

Because this is what he says. The actor, Robert Coates, had been improvising the classics again. He had convinced himself that Shakespeare's original ending was too tame and had it rewritten to suit his talents so he's sitting there looking at one of the Bard's most famous works and he goes what this play really needs

instead of a tragic end between teenage lovers separated by family and hatred is I'm going to break into the coffin with a crowbar and fuck it. She doesn't fuck it. What else is she going to do? She's alive in the coffin.

That must have been his idea. No, his idea. So it's not so sad. No, his idea was to rip open the coffin with the crowbar and boff a corpse. That's what he was going to do. He was going to boff it and boff it and boff it and boff it i mean you say that but they did didn't they in the in the victorian era they completely fucked with shakespeare a lot because they it didn't suit the times or something

you know um there's a there's a tradition of people making sort of culturally based changes to shakespeare especially the tragedies with the, you know, everyone dies endings. Well, this guy was banging around in the beginning of the 1800s. So I think at this point, he just thinks he's the new hot shit actor,

doesn't he? I like the crowbar. The crowbar's a nice touch because they had that. It's like a clanking paddle. Yeah. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe he was the first clankerman.

Honestly, I'm seeing a parallel there. You know, an actor who uses a crowbar. I can relate to that. So it goes on to say, cheated of the usual tender death scene, the audience was soon on its feet, booing, endearing, and throwing orange peel.

His fellow actors begged Coates to leave the stage, certain that the heavier missiles would follow, but he stood his ground, hurling back insults and catcalls until a distressed manager brought down the curtain. What a professional. He doesn't sound very professional at all. What, no, he's sitting there going, no, you fuck off. Yeah. No, you fuck off.

I will not be leaving the stage. I will not be. I will not be until I boff this corpse. It sounds like a really bad open mic stand up, doesn't he? He's like, no, I did the gong show at the CAF the other day and this fucking blew them away. Why aren't you laughing, you cunts? No, I won't.

You're shit. You're a shit audience. It's not me. You're shit. Meanwhile, there shit audience. It's not me. You're shit. Meanwhile, there's people crying in the audience. And for whatever reason, orange peel was the thing to throw. I think that was the thing to throw. Why orange peel?

It goes back to the Reformation, Paul, where they were known. Is this a genuine fact you're about to tell me? Yes. Where the prostitutes were known as the orange sellers. We're talking about the British theatre. I think the Reformation is the late 1600s. I'm not really on... But they were prostitutes.

So orange selling was something that went on in the theatre and it was associated with prostitution. That's all I know. So it doesn't surprise me. It fits in that they would be throwing orange peels because I think there was a lot of orange, consuming of oranges in the theatre. It was like the popcorn of its day.

Yes, but more expensive. I think it was quite exclusive, wasn't it? Early 1800s. Oranges weren't like a... Yeah, but would you want to buy an orange off a Prozzie in the 1800s? You don't know where it's been. You don't know what you're eating the inside. It's got a syphilis frosting.

Crispy syphilis frosting. Crispy syphilis frosting. And then, you know, you wipe that off and then you're good to go and you've got something to throw at the actor. Alright, okay, so scenes like this were expected whenever Coates

stepped onto the stage in Regency London he was probably the worst actor in the history of the theatre but nothing could shake his belief that he was God's gift

to grease paint and again like you were saying about stand up there were some stand ups who go on stage do a horrible

10 to 15 minutes come off and go yeah that went really well that was a bit tough but I think I got them on side at the end. Yeah.

Especially when I called that woman on the front row an ugly fat cunt. Yeah, exactly. I think that was the bit that really got them on side, I think. Yeah. That's the problem with stand-up comedy. One of the myriad of problems, Paul, is that you have to have a thick skin, but also be very sensitive. Do you see what I mean?

Yes. And it's that balance that a lot of people just can't, you know. I certainly didn't have a thick skin for stand-up. Yes, that was something I struggled with as well. But, you know. But fuck them now. We don't need your stupid little stand-up shows. No, we can just say fuck on the internet.

Yeah. And cunt, and fuck you. And wanker. I'm going to jack into your mouth. And shat the bed. And shat the internet. Yeah. And cunt. And fuck you. And wanker. I'm going to jack into your mouth. And shat the bed. And shat the bed. Copyright. These are all...

We don't need to go to a stand-up show and do all these when, right now, someone's listening to this and going, why do I like this fucking show again? No. They really... We're testing them. Anyway, whenever he appeared,

there were riots, uproars, and threats of lynching and gales of laughter. I like the idea of an actor being lynched, though. Don't know why. You like that idea. You like the idea of corporal punishment, do you? For performances. Well, let me weigh that up really realistically and sensibly.

Yeah, I fucking want it. Can Noel Edmonds be involved in this in some way? Noel Edmonds is heavily involved because I make him the executioner, so every murder weighs upon him. That's a great piece of casting. I really see Noel as an executioner.

Because, you know, he'd do it with the same kind of glee as he would putting someone in a gunge tank or the grab a ground box. But with the coldness behind the eyes, the steely, steely coldness, the empty fly buzzing around in a ball of skull. Yeah, and just as he pulls the lever and the actor drops and he starts choking,

Noel Edmonds comes up giggling, pulls his beard down and his little hat and goes, Oh, you get to gotcha oh Cans Anyway, Cheep Cheep Cheep's been cancelled so we have lived on Has it literally been cancelled?

Well, it's had very low viewing figures and as of the recording of this show it's on the bubble we don't know if it's coming back but it's not looking likely So we win unless it comes back in which case we don't win and then we'll be pathetically begging for a spot on the show he'll do something else won't he okay so oh god we got off on a massive tangent okay so those who appeared on the same stage as him

were often struck dumb with embarrassment or fear at one performance of romeo and juliet his favorite play juliet became so terrified by the shouting of the crowd that she clung to a pillar, refusing to go, and crying with frustration. That's how I feel when I do comedy with you. Coates was an exotic figure. He came from Antigua in the West Indies, where his father was a wealthy merchant.

His Creole complexion and black hair made him particularly striking. So did his passion for wearing diamonds. So he was mixed race. Is that what you're saying? I believe so. I don't have all the exact details. And it sounds like his dad was like a nasty slave owner, doesn't it?

We just don't know. I don't know too much more than this book. What was his dad's job? His dad was a wealthy merchant. So we just don't know what he did. It would be wrong of us to say that his dad owned slaves. Although it was Britain in the 1700s, it's likely. It's fucking likely.

He fell in love with the theatre as a boy. His determination to act despite his lack of talent survived constant ridicule. So he's one of these guys who is completely oblivious to reality. Can you imagine, can you think of anyone, Eli, in your world, who is into acting, not very

good at it, but convinces himself on a daily basis that he's actually quite good, no matter what people, critics and friends say to him. Can you think of anything or anyone like that? I mean, I was thinking of you. You were thinking of me?

I was trying to suggest you. I don't go on and on. Hello, I'm Mexican. Listen. Hello, I'm French. Hello, I'm Welsh. Just because I can't do accents, have you ever seen Robert De Niro do an accent? Yeah.

What? He did a very funny... No, I've not seen him do an accent. No, you haven't. I've had to think about it. You fucking haven't. He played a very good Italian in all his films. Exactly.

So it's not, you know, it's good to be good with voices, vocal range, accents, very important aspect of some type of actor's work. It's different. It's a smorgasbord of different abilities. And, you know, it's about like Sir Ian McKellen said famously.

Yeah, what did he say? he said all actors really only have one thing meaning sort of one type of character yeah or type of emotional thing that they're really good at and some actors are very lucky and they might have two and it's very rare if they have three things but he was right and i think that's especially true for film acting. Yeah. Where it's very different. It's very difficult to the more artifice that you put into a performance

on film, the worse it reads. Do you know what I mean? You have to sort of connect to something that's genuine. So tell me about fucking Bobby Boy Coates then, yeah? Alright, well he was He first appeared on the English stage in 1809 However it was his playing of Romeo In the fashionable spa town of Bath

A year later that made his name He designed his costume for the part And his first entrance brought the house down He came on in a flowing cloak Spangled with sequins Voluminous red pantaloons An enormous cravat And a stylish plumbed hat

Sounds good Sounds classy Sounds like his costume games are on fleek He's all over that He's on fleek that I mean you could argue to use a RuPaul drag race term He sissied that role Right so

Starting good but then what he couldn't talk properly And like No he just had a habit of just not giving a fuck Right, so, it's starting good, but then what, he couldn't talk properly? No, he just had a habit of just not giving a fuck about being a good actor, or remembering his lines, or preferring how things were originally written as opposed to how he thinks they should end. He went on tour in the British Isles, creating pandemonium everywhere he went. He constantly forgot his lines, he invented scenes as he went along. And then he turned to address the audience

whenever he thought it was getting out of hand. What a cunt, though. Yeah. To be on stage doing some really moving moment and then pull out a slide whistle and go, Oh, hello. It's hard not to sort of connect this with his sort of wealthy upbringing.

Sounds like a spoiled child who, you know... He might have been spoiled and gone this with his wealthy upbringing. Sounds like a spoiled child. He might have been spoiled and gone away with murder. Yeah. I just don't like the idea of inventing scenes halfway through. Especially the plays at the time, like Shakespeare, Hamlet. It's like, die! No. Now I'm going to do another three minutes.

I'm going to do this. I'm going to fucking roll the skull around with my hand. And then I'm going to climb up this bit of scenery. Get your tits out, love. Get your tits out. He was probably like that. The other actors hated him. He was probably always trying to fucking encourage the female actors,

known as actresses in the trade, to bear themselves, and he probably got all chummy with the guys as well. He probably just wanted to improvise lovemaking, didn't he? Horny bastard. Anyway, if he enjoyed playing a scene, he would quite happily repeat it three or four times. Oh God, yeah. I love that.

And alack, poor Yorick, I knew him so well. Round of applause. Did you like it? Did you like it? Should we do it for the job? Should we do it for the job, ladies and gentlemen? Terrible.

So he had no respect for playwrights, other actors, or, you know, the conventions of storytelling. No, not at all. He just liked being in the limelight the whole time. He loved dramatic death scenes and had no qualms about breathing his last breath several times over. He is that actor who you see on stage who gets shot or knifed and goes, Ah! Oh!

Ah! Ah! You just know the actor's going, Is it now? Yeah, and then he's like, Ah! Not yet! One last! To the ground, my friend goes finally to the darkest, blackest of night.

I'm not dead yet! I haven't done it yet! I'm trying to do my fucking thing! And into the darkness, he goes... No, no, no! For fuck's sake! No, no! Shall I start the scene again?

This has been great. Let's do it again. No, shall I start the scene again? This has been great. Let's do it again. Exasperated Plagos would sometimes yell during his death scenes, why don't you die? Woo, yeah.

I love that. When it crosses over from like criticism of the performance into an actual vitriolic hatred for the person. Yeah. Nothing seemed to daunt him at a curtain call he was often heard to remark haven't i done it well to the audience he sounds like the world's worst person not not just actor just like you know that's kind of it's like he was the world's first bruce forsyth where he came out on stage hogged the lines improvised wouldn't get off

did too much they went oh didn't i do well yeah but that worked for brucey because he was presenting a light entertainment program on itv yeah um he would often bow towards the box where his great friend and most constant fan the baron ferdinand de gramlet dig geram geram ferdinand de geram sat in splendour so he had a fucking mate who was obviously ticking the piss going oh no mate

no you're dead good you are you're dead good and then he goes come to the box you gotta watch this cunt in action come on

definitely yeah sounds like you Paul oh kitty cat's got claws stick it up your ass by sheer persistence he managed to carry on and would often bribe

reluctant theatre managers to just allow him to appear. Yeah, see, it's the money. It's the money, man. This is a lesson for the industry these days, because once you let, you know, it's become the profession of all the arts

is becoming, as we know, a haven for rich elites. So he got this mate, Ferdinand de arts is becoming, as we know, a haven for rich elite. So he got this mate, Ferdinand de Gramier, who sits there and he's like his mate. Eggs him on. Did it say that his mate, the Ferdinand, the Duke of Cunt,

was actually funding? Is that what it says there? Doesn't say, no. He would go to every show that he could. he was his best mate and a big fan yeah yeah not true I love it when you fuck up so badly

that the audience wants to kill you it's great yeah it's my favourite thing I like it when you barely get out of a theatre alive brings me joy often the theatre managers

had to hire policemen to help keep law and order I know Because it was getting that crazy with people booing or cheering Or just going crazy His fame spread and soon he was playing to packed houses Right so Yeah

It's the Eddie Eagle Effect isn't it It's that British thing that we like where we get someone Massively untalented Like a Honey G You know like a Honey G, you know, like a Honey G, like Danny Dyer, like an Edmunds. Well, I wouldn't listen, I think. And we want to see them fail. Like a Mrs. Brown's Boys.

We go, it's shit, but it's all right. We love it. We love it because it's so shit. Or as I've said before, Paul, I'm a twat, you're a twat, we're okay. People would travel great distances to see who was really as bad as everyone reported and it became such an attraction that even the Prince Regent went to see him. Prince Regent, who's what, had a fucking massive gold hoop

through the end of his knob. No, that's Prince Albert I think you're thinking of. Prince Regent just had a tattoo on his knob. He was that's Prince Albert I think I'm thinking of. But I bet he did as well. Prince Regent just had a tattoo on his knob. He was a bad boy though, wasn't he? Why don't we have a Prince Regent role

these days in the monarchy? It seems to be the bad boy role. You know, the naughty prince. Who would be our Prince Regent now though? It would probably be Prince Harry.

He's a naughty boy. He's a dirty, naughty boy. I like him. He takes drugs. Yeah. He does a dirty naughty boy. I like him. He takes drugs. Yeah. He does drugs up his bum. When he played the role of the Lothario in Rose the Fair

Penitent at London's Haymarket Theatre, at least a thousand people had to be turned away from the theatre. They even stormed the stage door offering five pounds a ticket if it could just stand in the wings wow you see this is the question i was going to ask is if he was so terrible how did he get through the rehearsal process surely you know a director would just say grin and bear it they probably knew that it was part and parcel

of this fucking horrid adventure called acting yeah um inside the theater coats dressed in a fantastic costume of silver and pink silk sparkling with diamonds and a hat surmounted by a tall white feather could hardly be heard that was because people were cheering and booing and screaming and acting like you know yeah take that audience when the moment came for him to die he drew a large handkerchief from his pocket spread it out on the stage and then carefully laid his head down upon it so his hat would not be spoiled by the fall he's a vainglorious

twazzuck as well you know he gets stopped or shot he gets stopped or shot I meant to say stabbed or shot fucking hell and then he does Instantly fall into the ground

Ungratiously He just goes I'm just going to put my blanket Little blanket down Yes Mind my bouffant hat You know what I mean He's like

Why is he worried about the hat Fuck's sake Well no matter what The minute he laid his head down The whole audience Exploded with laughter At another performance In Richmond

His acting was so poor that several people laughed themselves sick and had to be helped outside into the fresh air and be treated by a doctor. Well, come on. Any comedian would fucking love that these days, wouldn't they? You know, the goodies famously made one man laugh so hard he died. He had a congenital heart problem. Yeah, but he was also laughing at the goodies dressed up in wacky costumes playing Ecky Thump,

which was the modern Marcellus. You could go into an old person's home and just fucking, you know, with a joke book and just, you know, tell jokes until one of them carked it after you said it. Yeah, but it's a lot of effort to do that. Well, then you could legitimately say, I said something so funny, someone fucking laughed themselves to death. Yeah, but what would really happen is, I tried to make someone laugh to death, it took two hours, and so I just put

a pillow over their face and went home. Fuck me. Then there was the time he lost a diamond buckle. So he was on stage performing and he lost a diamond buckle from his shoe. He noticed it just as he was about to make a dramatic exit,

so instead fell to his knees and crawled around on the stage, on all fours, looking for it. The nearly demented prompter hissed, Get off! Get off! But Coates ignored him. The nearly demented? That's what it says here, the nearly demented prompter. I want to hear about this demented...

Yeah, imagine the prompter, how angry the prompter is. Stage manager, basically, isn't it? That's what the role would have been. Go, get the fuck off the stage! Yeah, but no, the prompter gives the line, doesn't they? Don't they, rather? Yeah. When you go, line, the prompter is the one who says the line.

Imagine how overworked and stressed out the prompter would have been. That guy. He probably is half demented. That guy is hidden. Good bit of writing there, Susan. It is. I remembered that. That's good, isn't it?

Who's Susan? The writer of this story you're reading. Oh. Margaret. Margaret. Well done, Margaret. Nice use of the word demented to convey. Coates ignored the prompter and went on looking until he found the buckle, then

got up, delivered his line and walked off. You know, he's rich, but he's also seems quite greedy or materialistic. Like he's concerned about, you know what I mean? It's a terrible combination of characteristics this guy had. I think the word is knobhead.

It reminds me, Paul, of when I was performing the Oresteia on tour in Germany. Yeah. And dramatic end of the second act. I'd run off stage just after killing my mum. And because I played Orestes, the lead role in The Oresteia. Eli, convince yourself he's an actor. I fucking am an actor.

And I don't want to hear it from you. Give me an emotion and an accent. I'll do it for you right now. I want you to be anxious as a Spanish person. Oh no! Oh!

Mio, Mio! Oh Mio, you stressed me out oh i take it back you're a fantastic actor thank you this is like the only time we've performed we're on tour so it's sort of this stage that's underneath a concrete suit staircase in a sort of lobby area in a brutalist building. It's quite a modernist building. Yeah. And I was used to performing on a stage which had a longer wing, this play, and I smacked right into a concrete wall, broke my tooth in half, my front tooth,

and the bit of tooth scattered across, my front tooth and the bit of tooth scattered across basically onto the stage a bit and I had to craftily retrieve half my tooth and then fucking complete the last two acts of the play with looking like scraggled tooth, not looking like a

Greek prince, I can tell you. But you were very professional, so well done. That was like when I was in Edinburgh, we were doing that sketch show, and I didn't know where the exit curtain was. That was so funny, man. And I head first into a wall, whacked my head open, threw up in the sink backstage with an obvious concussion,

and then continued on doing a sketch show. Yeah, I have to admit, you had the probe. You should have gone to hospital. I really should have. I genuinely had concussion. Yeah. It's one of those signs they tell you in first aid class. If, you know, someone bangs their head and then they're sick.

That's like a warning. You know what I mean? Yeah. But for me, it's a gift to my talent. Coates did not just confine his performances to the stage. In real life, he enjoyed dazzling the public With remarkable clothes During the daytime he wore fabulous furs

Even in the hottest weather But it was at night that he became quite special When he went to balls and grand receptions He glittered from head to foot With diamond buttons and buckles And they called him Diamond Coates He's blinging To the max

He'd fit right in today's uh cynical and not talent-based world of media and arts wouldn't yes the people who end up on celebrity versions of shows who aren't celebrities yeah he'd be one of those but he'd probably be quite a good celebrity like sam s frankie essex from the Only Way Is Cunt. I know, it's not very mature of me, but I just fucking hate those shows. To draw even more attention to himself, he had a special carriage built. It was a shell-shaped chassis, which simmered with all the colours of the rainbow, and emblazoned on it was something he painted himself. A massive crowing cock with his motto, while I live

I'll crow. So it's quite apt that a man full of himself paints a giant cock on the side of his car. He had a car, did he? Well, you know, a handsome cab. A cab, horse-drawn carriage. But he had a massive cock drawn on

the side of it. That's an early instance of the cock and balls graffiti motif. Very early, and quite ornate too, I'd imagine. London street urchins would often chase him down the road shouting cock-a-doodle-doo, and once, in the theatre, someone threw a live cockerel onto the stage, which pecked around at his feet while he delivered a romantic speech. When he finished the scene, he stood in the wings,

shouted insults at the box from which the cock had been thrown, and threatened its occupants with a sword. Nice. So why did they throw a cock on the stage? Because he was a crow. He had a cock on his handsome cab.

Oh, he was a crowing cock. He just sounds like a show-off. He wasn't really interested in acting, per se, was he? No, he was a crowing cock. He just sounds like a show-off. He wasn't really interested in acting per se, was he? No, he was interested in himself. Like someone else I know. I'm not like that. Mate, come on. Anyway.

Just give me one more emotion just to fucking put the lid on this, yeah? All right, I'll give you... Another accent and an emotion combo and I'll just... Let's save that for the end. Let's save that as the end. We're nearly finished, we've got like 50 words then we're done with the story, then you can do your acting piece

so at last it seems he decided that he had given the British public the best and he could no longer put up with its bad manners after 1815 he appeared less often and gradually his splendour faded. Coates was to appear in one last finale and the scene was suitably dramatic. In 1848

at the age of 75 he was run over by a horse. Ha! So there you go, that was the story of the one and only Robert Coates. Did you like that? I liked it. So to end, now we go back to Eli Silverman's theatre

masterclass where you are now about to give us an emotive moment. So the emotion I want you to use is pent-up frustration, and the accent I want you to do it in is Scottish. The scene is this. Oh, aye! Wait, I'm going to give you a scene so you can help live the moment. Oh, I'm just... Get into the character.

You're at a fish and chip shop. paid the pound for the chips right but they were meant to cost atp they didn't give you the 20 pence back this sounds don't get mad yeah i just realized this is just a scene so you can't think of anything original ever can you paul every single thing you think of is like some kind of reformulated, half remembered thing that you saw on TV when you were a child. I blame pop culture. I do. So I'm Scottish. Scottish. You've been shortchanged in the chippy

and now improv a scene where you have to expel an emotion of frustrated rage. Oh, fucking hell. Oh. Oh. Oh, I mustn't laugh.

Oh, sorry. Oh, I'm dying. Oh, God, I'm dying. Oh, you fucked me on the chin. I wanted to know how long that would go. And I must say, Eli, you amaze me. That might have been the most pathetic acting I've seen since... Well, I'm not fucking warmed up. I need to do my voice exercises and the stretches

and a bit of Stanislavski. What do the chips look like? Are they crispy? They're crispy and fluffy. Are they crispy and fluffy? No, they're very nice chips. Are they disappointing and wilted and greasy? The frustration is you didn't get your money back.

Well, if they're very nice chips, why don't I think, oh, well, they're worth another 20p. These are delicious. But instead, you just went, oh, I'm dying, and then did a Jimmy Savile impression and ended it.

So, all right, in that case, round of applause for Eli Silverman and his acting masterclass. Enough. And it's time to say goodbye for another episode of Cheap Show. But we thank you for listening. Thank you very much.

So we are going to be back in October. We've got some Halloween things planned. But you can join us on our Reddit page now. Reddit.com forward slash r forward slash cheap show and get involved with the conversation, give ideas to the show or suggestions and feedback. We'd like to hear them. Also, if it's noodle based

you get extra points from me. I might not respond to everyone, but listen, the nuzzle man's there dripping beard juice into your oral ears and he licks it out with his big beard scoop. That's fucking disgusting. Alright, okay, good.

Noodle people are a breed apart, Paul. And they know what I mean. Extra apple juice. Extra apple 8% apple juice, yeah? It's like a language. It's like a language you don't speak. I don't care. Don't care about your noodle shit. Oh yeah, no, actually on the noodle front, Paul,

you know you showed me that Nissen iced noodle picture? My mate, Mark, has found an iced noodle. Yeah. So I've got one. Oh, my God. I've got one, and it's not by Nissen. It's a Sam Young Korean one. This is shocking.

I actually care about something noodle-based. Yeah, exactly. Also, did you see that Pot Noodle have come out with these sort of spaghetti, Italian spaghetti flavours? We'll be trying them. We'll be trying them. We will be trying them. Don't you worry about that.

My beard is fully waxed and oiled and nuzzle-uff-a-lufficus. And if you want a chance to be nuzzled, don't forget you can go to Patreon and donate as little or as much as you want and you'll get access to exclusive podcasts. You'll even be invited onto the show if you donate enough.

But no matter how much you give, it's always welcome. So go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and help keep this son of a bitch of a podcast running. What else is there? Right, I'm running back. We're on Twitter, at thecheapshowpod. I'm at paulgannonshow.

He's at elisnoids. Where else can you go? Oh, if you want to see the pictures associated with this episode, you can go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk look for episode 54 and there'll be pictures and maybe a video there if you're lucky

and can I just mention here Paul by the way the reason I didn't send you a photo of the item from 53 the rocket based rubbers which I appreciate is because one the fucking camera on my phone

is gone again and two I lost them. Oh, well. Or misplaced them. Well, hopefully they'll turn. They're in the miasma that we like to call the house of pickles. Swimming around in some brine puddles or hanging around with some half-eaten pickles.

Excellent. And that's it, I think. Thank you very much. Thank you very much for enjoying the show. It's been a bit higgledy-piggledy, but we ultimately think that you should shut up and get what you're given. That's Cheap Show for you. Get what you're given.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Have you got a better sign-off? Goodbye, everyone. Thanks for listening to Cheap Show. Yeah, it's pretty good, then, actually. I was just going to say. Yeah, it's much better than yours. Than yours.

Fucking. Fuck you. Fair enough.