CheapShow - Ep 55: HoP 6 "Story Time Hell"

Episode Date: October 13, 2017

Once Upon A Time there were two naughty boys! Two wicked boys with nothing too. One lived in a happy halfway house, the other in a house built on pickles & despair. One night they spoke about such wondrous things. Things that would set your hairs standing on end and boggle your mind... Of naughty Noel Edmonds and his horrid house party... Of sexy adventures in a house made of fun... Of bizarre life hacks designed to make living easy... and of magical dice created to tell tall tales that you'll have never have heard of before. Because they are bloody awful. Welcome, to CheapShow's most random House of Pickles ever! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Right. Do you want to do the intro? Shall I do the intro? Who wants to do the intro? Do you want to do it? Yeah. All right, I'll let you do it. It's your birthday.

It's not my birthday. It's your sex birthday when you first had sex. I got the date written down. 11th of October, 2010 was the first time you had sex. Fuck off. It's in my diary. It's not mine. Why would you know?

How would you know? Because I'm psychic. I have psychic powers. What? She was in her 80s and you fucked an old lady up. It was the 80s. Yeah?

Oh, it was the 80s, not you fucked someone in their 80s. I don't know why I have to defend myself to you, anyway. So, shall I do the fucking intro? Do it.

Hello, ladies and gents. Oh, fucking hell. I just don't have the fucking wherewithal. All right, hang on. All right, okay. Hang on. Oh, fucking hell. I just don't have the fucking wherewithal. All right, hang on. All right, okay, hang on. You can try to muster up the excitement.

Yeah, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome again. It's House of Pickles 6. Here I am in the House of Pickles presenting this special, special little episode of Cheap Show. And here is Paul, who's also the guest. You almost had it, mate mate i'll be honest a little round of applause because it was almost there not quite your best but also you just kind of let yourself down the final hurdle so i'm not going to be too harsh on you especially since you only had sex in 2010 with a woman in her 80s i I just feel pity. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the House of Pickles.

Can you smell it? Well, you're lucky then. And my name's Eli Silverman. This is Cheap Show. And here's your other host. It's Paul Gannon, everybody. There he is. Begin the show.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the Darks, for a while. How's the big guy? A fight of the Shite! Let's just go and say hello.

Eli Silver! Welcome to Geek Show They're not going on nozzle I'm in this I don't know whether I'm going to sneeze or not I'm in this horrible precarious moment Where there's a little tingle in me nose Little tingle in me nose there is And it won't let me It won't let me sneeze

But I got the tingle in me nose You is. And it won't let me, it won't let me sneeze, but I got the tingle in me nose. You know what they say, Paul? You should look at a light. Oh, yeah? Yeah, look at a light. Apparently that makes, because your eye,

because your eye nerve's connected to your nose nerve. Your eye nerve's connected to your nose nerve. Your nose nerve's connected to your teeth nerve.

Your dick nerve connected to your head nerve. Knob nerve. Your wank nerve. Nose connected to you. Teeth nerve. Your dick nerve connected to your head nerve. Knob nerve. Your wank nerve. Yeah, apparently that brings it on. You know what? I was once having a wank once and I sneezed the same time.

You were once having a wank once? No. I once had a wank and I sneezed so hard. I was about to cum and I nearly tore my prick off it was it was really you gave it a wrench scary

because I was tugging it and then because you know your body kind of clenches up when you sneeze totally yeah mate oh my god

I nearly pulled it out of the root it was so right that's something that literally no one wanted to know well I well I don't care we've this is the show of TMI all the time Right, that's something literally no one wanted to know. Well, I don't care.

This is the show of TMI all the time. Are you smoking? No. Are you smoking? Did I hear a lick of a lighter? You might have. Are you smoking drugs during our professional recording session? Of course I'm not smoking drugs, Paul.

What do you take me for? A drug smoker. Now, ladies and gentlemen, just a little rundown of what's going on here in the HOP. I do you take me for? A drug smoker? Now, ladies and gentlemen, just a little rundown of what's going on here in the HOP. I've got two half-drunk yoghurt drinks.

Oh, God. And there is literally a can of tuna that I ate last week. I mean, it's getting bad, people. It's getting bad. Mate, your room. Mate, your room. Mate, your room. Yeah.

It needs to be condemned. Actually, but just hang it under my bed. There is actually some chilli pickle. Under your bed? Yeah, just in case I need it. What the fuck was that laugh? I don't know. Jesus. You're losing it, mate.

So, is your total willingness to improvise and just prattle on a sign that we don't have any prepared segments for this particular podcast? We've got nothing at all to say. We've got nothing at all to...

That's the ass not true. Oh, this fucking tingle in my nose. Oh, hang on. Hang on. Look at her light. I'm having a good old root around, aren't I? Yeah, I'm picking for treasure. Nose goo.

Oh, my God. Right, got it. I've settled it. I've won the battle. That tingle has gone. I can now be professional. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Paul Gannon, this is Eli Silverman, and we're both rock hard.

I'm hard for pods. Hard. So, yeah, we don't have much planned, but we thought we'd do a little podcast anyway, just to kind of keep the creative juices flowing, the Cheap Show juices. Yeah. But there is important news. Okay. Yeah. But there is important news because we do have no news to deliver. Is there no news?

There is more no news. Is it the news at Noel? The news at Noel. Bong. Noel Edmonds is a cunt. Yeah, well, that's not... Paul, if there's one piece of news that isn't news, it's that piece, and that's fake news.

It's not. It's worse than fake news. It's fact news. It's fact. It's not news. It's fact news. Noel Edmonds is a crumbly, beardy, wibbly-wobbly fuckbeast from the planet Wankhammer.

He's a talking labia. He's a babbling quim. So's the news though of course well so i heard this on the twitter sphere from a reasonably trusted source who heard it from a reasonably trusted source that noel edmonds has filed a patent or trademark for a new show oh yeah, yeah? What was wrong with the old one? What's wrong with cheap, cheap, cheap now? Was it completely flawed from the first conception and delivered in a sort of the most bad way possible? It was pretty fucking poor. Viewing figures started out reasonably well

and then dropped quite quickly. Quite quickly. And as far as we know, there are no plans for a second series of Cheep Cheep Cheep. That is something to be glad about. Well, you know, I mean, in many respects, is it? Is it? I was talking

with the makers of the show to hopefully get on it. Yeah, that would never have flown, Paul. It might have flown. They were reasonably interested when I spoke. I wouldn't be able to hold it together. You know what I mean? Five minutes in, Nog goes, which one of these packets of sauce are the cheapest?

And then you fucking knock him out with your fist. Yeah, basically, yeah. Like boot stomping his head into the ground. Yeah, it wouldn't work, man. No, maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. But no, he has a new trademark. Would you like to know the name of the show that he's getting involved in?

I really would, please. It's called Noel's House Party. Didn't he already do that? Yes, he's bringing it back. Wow. He's bringing back, allegedly, apparently, this is not fact. This is nothing that I can say is definitely going to happen. This is just on the grapevine.

The rumour is he's bringing back Noel Edmonds' house party. His crinkly bottom, his Mr Blobby's grab a ground. Is Mr Blobby's actually going to come back? Well, who fucking knows? But I guarantee if he's going to trade on nostalgia, he's going to bring Mr Blobby back. And it'll be a little nod and a wink at first, but then it'll just become the usual awful, awful,

middle-of-the-road gobshitery. Blobby as usual. There are certain things I don't mind coming back. Crystal Maze, great. The new Channel 4 season of that is lots of fun. Nightmare, that's coming back on TV. Nightmare, lots of fun. Pat Shop's been working on Funhouse.

That would be fun to bring back. We'd all like to be on Funhouse. It's a whole lot of fun. Will there be a porn aspect? Porn aspect of Funhouse? Yeah, it's called Funbags. The idea is that a bunch of men no no

it's a question is there going to be an adult theme is it going to be like you know Funhouse Nights or something oh Funhouse Electric Blue yeah so how would the format of an adult porny Oh, Funhouse Electric Blue. Yeah.

So how would the format of an adult porny version of Funhouse work? Let's break it down. I can sum it up in one word. Two words. Two words. The twins. You see, now you're just objectifying two very wonderful, talented ladies.

No, it doesn't have to be them. It doesn't have to be them. You get new twins. Look, talented ladies. No, it doesn't have to be them. That's what you're really saying. It doesn't have to be them. You get new twins. They could be boys. New twins. They could be boys. You could have several sets of twins going at it. And so what?

There's a Pat Sharp lookalike. Well, you could get Pat to do it. And what happens? Pat is integral, isn't he? Because Pat has got... Pat is a professional presenter-stroke DJ. He's not going to get his knob out and bash twins. I'm not saying he's getting his...

He's not going to get his knob out. He just presents it, and there's a tasteful... His knob? He presents his knob and goes, Go on, love. He presents the show, and there is a tasteful,otic erotic element you know that's what i'm saying okay maybe it's a bad idea part to the show can you make erotic you could just go right you've got two points you've got five points here's a bit of soft porn

you know okay I mean yeah I mean I was I was I was thinking that maybe what you do

is um make the fun house itself porny so you know you've got to run around and there's

there's like a massive uh foam vagina you've got to dive into exactly and pull out

see now you're starting to you're starting to uh warm warm to warm up

and you know you've got to climb up a giant cock and jack it, and then the prize token comes out the top, and you've got to catch it in your mouth. Exactly. You know? There's a bull pond full of massive testicles. There's a small platoon of dominatrixes with whips and butt plugs,

brandishing them. Oh. No, don't. Oh. Don't. Oh. No. Bouncy tits.

So that's the Noel Edmonds news. No, that's not the Noel Edmonds news. That's the Funhouse Blue Electric Nights fucking news. Noel Edmonds is bringing... I think if Noel Edmonds brought a porn version of it, like Noel's sexy house party, maybe that's what he's going to do. You know?

Maybe Mr Blobby is now called Mr... You can just keep the name Blobby. I mean, it works both ways. Well, Blobby, yeah. It works both ways. And he's a massive cock. And he goes, Robby, Robby, Robby!

And massive amounts of hot white pearls of jism spring forth from his head onto a celebrity. Yeah, it's like gunking. We could do the gunking. I mean, there was always something quite sort of... A gunge tank, yeah. ...visceral about the gunge. It's the spunk tank.

Let's call it the spunk tank. And, you know, he used to do Wait Till I Get You Home, where there was a child on the couch, and he'd get the child to tell a sob story, and then they'd get a Nintendo for telling about their dad dying or something. But now it's called Wait Till I Get

You Home and it's a sexy woman on the couch and she talks about what she'd like to do to Noel and then he drags her down to his mansion and he boshes her with his willy. I couldn't think of anything. Mate, just then you couldn't think of anything

just then you couldn't think of anything I'd say for about the last three and a half minutes you haven't been able to think of anything at least I'm trying at least I'm pitching hot ideas what have you got, how can you make Noel's house you know like Noel's gotcha TV where he used to hide a TV camera

and they'd play pranks we're going to go live to Noel TV now and then you'd see someone at home watching Noel's house party all of a sudden go, oh, I'm on telly and Noel would say,

well, I think you made a very interesting little slip of the tongue there. You said a camera in someone and I think that's what we've got to do. Maybe.

Gotcha. When they're taking a piss or something. You could see at the end of their urethra. Oh, no. I was thinking it would be more like, you know, what Robert De Niro used to do. Oh, God. Or Chuck Berry.

Chuck Berry, yeah. You know, it's just lots of glass tables and scat. You know what I heard about Chuck Berry? What? That he had, like, a delivery service of scat tapes. Like, it'd come every week, like a van. I bet he came every fucking week

if he had a van full of porn driving up to his house every week. Yeah, scat porn. Do you like... I don't get it. Do I like scat? Are you asking me that? No, I know you weren't going to say yeah.

I'm not genuinely asking if you like scat. I think my question was, I know there's a kink for everyone, but I just can't imagine why you'd want to see someone's anus expand and then push out hot ass toffee. No, but it's each to their own. As we've said before, everyone has their... If you can imagine it, someone probably likes it. Like balloons, that's not even a big one.

Do you think the van was like an ice cream van? And there was some kind of tinkly tone in the background. So when it went past his street, he'd hear some song. Oh, it's the scat van. Wee, bop, bop, bop. Yeah, that would be the song, wouldn't it? It's the scat van. It's the scat man. It's the scat man.

He's dead, isn't he? I don't know. The scat man is dead, yeah. Okay, Google. Is the scat man alive? Scat man John died in Los Angeles, California, United States on the 3rd of December 1999. Well, there you go.

So, don't test me. You don't need Google. I wasn't testing you. I was just putting a fact down. You were fucking testing me. If I say something, why won't you just accept it? Because, you know, by and large you're full of shit. I'm not full of shit. You know, I'm not going to say you're a liar, but I think

you expand the truth to suit your own needs. Do you want to hear my life hack now? In a moment, but I just want to mention one quick thing. We don't really do the admin, so let's get the admin out of the way. Thank you to everyone who's supporting us on Patreon. If you want to go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show, you can find out all about the rewards and gifts and things that you can get for donating as little as a dollar and as much as whatever you fancy.

Are you going to add the special tier, Eli's special visit tier this time? Yeah. Basically, there's a mystery number. If you donate that mystery number, Eli will give you his special tier. This is not something you'll see on the website. Do you want to go into what that special tier is?

I've covered it before. It's a simple night visit with beard rubbings on the window left Do you want to go into what that special tier is? I've covered it before. It's a simple night visit with beard rubbings on the window, left as a special souvenir. What if they want a little bit more? They can't have a little bit more. I'm not some kind of, you know, prostitute, if that's what you're saying. I just go

look at the bright side. No, but think about it, think about it. They put this certain amount in, you turn up, you give them a little bit more than... No, their window gets nuzzled whilst they're asleep. That's it. That's as far as I go. That's it? Yeah. What? What if they're really hot? Would you change your mind?

No. That would be something that wouldn't be part of my professional life. That would be... It could be. I'm not going to mix business and pleasure. Nuzzling windows is strictly business, man. Yeah? Alright, okay.

No, fair enough. Anyway, if you donate that secret amount of money, we will be in touch with you and Eli will give your window a proper nuzzling.

That ruins the whole thing. Of course we won't be in touch. They'll just see the nuzzle and the Nuzzle-o-ficus will have come in the

night. The Nuzzle-o-ficus. That's it. Do they have to leave something out like for Santa? Do they have to leave something out, like for Santa? Do they have to leave something out for you? They just have to have a ground floor window. So they don't have to leave, like, near the fireplace

a pale ale and a cup of noodles? I'm not going to break into their homes. I'll just nuzzle the window. Oh, I thought it was like a magical thing where... They could leave a couple of beers out. On the doorstep? Pale ale. I like pale ale. And at least that way, you know, they'll know in the morning. They could leave a couple of beers out. On the doorstep? Like, payload. I like payload. And then,

at least that way, you know, they'll know in the morning. They'll go, oh, the nuzzle man came because he drank the payload. Yeah,

they'll know from the actual nuzzle marks. Yeah, and also that you're still there on the doorstep, asleep, drunk. Yeah,

like a tramp, yeah. Vomit. Yeah. Like a homeless fellow, yeah? Yeah. So, you're rejigging the tears on the Patreon.

Thank you, though. Yeah, we're going to rejig them. Thanks so much for helping us do this. Yeah, help us out with that. Also, we have a Reddit page now, reddit.com forward slash r forward slash Cheap Show. And what's interesting is that the fans of Cheap Show have been really

digging down and doing a little bit of research into us do you know that someone found that video of yours um what's it called the one where you're really young and you have blonde hair and n right hells and what was that called god they've unearthed that video sick bastard on the reddit page what was that all about how did you get n N. Rytel in? Because he used to be part of the comedy scene in the 80s, didn't he? He was like... He used to do all that kind of stuff with Emma Thompson and Stephen Fry, I think.

He was the voice of... Do you remember that first direct had the cartoon telephone? Yeah. That was N. Rytel, the voice. He had some kind of catchphrase thing. It was minted. So how did this project come about? Well, it was directed

and written by my good friend Robin Lindsay, who I met at university. And he's a filmmaker. Enrightel was a friend of his dad, who was a professional gambler. Rob's dad gave En horse tips. Pardon. of his dad who was a professional gambler Rob's dad gave N

horse tips you know racing tips yeah of course put 50 quid on the 340 at Chepstow and so N felt that he owed him one and agreed to take part wow what does he like to work with professional

funny creative very professional lovely man really and you look very part. Wow. What would you like to work with? Professional? Funnel? Creative? Very professional. Lovely man, really. And you look very young in it. How young were you? You must have been, what, 20s? I was in my 20s, yeah. Is that your hair in that video as well? No, that is a wig. Oh, doesn't look like a wig,

mate. Thank you. Anyway, it was... It was a deeply flawed film in a lot of ways. Production standards not very high, but you know. Was En-Rytel embarrassed to be a part of it and didn't speak to you again? No, I mean, he didn't speak to me again because we didn't bond. Fair enough.

You don't have to bond on every set, do you? No. But, you know, if people can enjoy watching it now, I'm not going to watch it. I'd be terribly embarrassed. I watched it and I was terribly embarrassed for you. Shut up, Paul. Actually, it was all right.

What was interesting is at the end, you have a charity shop find, which I thought was very apropos. What? Because you find the video of this character's stand-up and you said, yeah, I got it in a charity shop. The script has some really nice things about it, but it, yeah. I think more than anything else, from watching that video, it occurs to me I'm just not used to seeing your chin.

Right, yeah. It's quite pointed, chin. I think with your beard, you've got quite a rounded face, but when you take it all off, your chin's quite, um... What's the word? Ugly. It's not ugly to look at, Paul. It's a nice chin.

What have you got? You've got a quivery vagina of a chin. You've got a big... My chin is stoic. What? It's an ancient Greek philosopher. No? It's an ancient Greek philosopher? No, it's nice, I think, my chin. I've got a very good side profile.

It doesn't jut out like Jimmy... Not Jimmy. I keep saying Jimmy Savile. Why? Let's say Bruce Forsythe. He inhabits a corner of your mind. That's why. Forever.

He really does. It's depressing. I don't like it. Get out, Jimmy. Ghosts. Yeah. Yeah. It's depressing, I don't like it Get out Jimmy Yeah, ghosts Yeah The ghost of Jimmy Savile haunts me In the middle of the night all I hear is It's horrible, scary

Is it time for my life hack now? Yeah, let's get your life hack done Eli Silverman's life hack Hello And welcome to another episode of an infrequent article. Oh, fuck it.

You can cut that. Now, genuinely, fucking cut that. I'll cut that. Yeah, he says. You don't cut anything. I'll cut it. You just cut the bits where you sound like a dick. If that was true, we'd have nothing. No, we'd have nothing. We'd have fucking nothing. Right.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's time again for the infrequent series I like to call Eli's Life Hacks. This week, never have cold shoulders again whilst you go to bed. Sim... Yeah? Explain. shoulders again whilst you go to bed. Simply.

Yeah? Explain. Simply, you just need a pair of socks and a couple of rubber bands. Right. And you put the sock on your shoulder.

Put the rubber band over it so it's snug. Right. Before you get into bed. And then, you know, because there's always that gap at the top by the shoulders when you get under the duvet. Problem solved. You've got a nice snug sock there.

And it covers... Or wear a t-shirt. No, but I don't... Yes, I knew you'd say that. I knew you'd say that. But that's not what this hack's about. It's that I want to be bare. I want to have the comfort. You're not going to be bare, though, if you're wearing socks with

elastic bands on your shoulders looking like a fucking knob. Like a nude admiral. Oh yeah, because in bed is when I really need to present myself to the world, you absolute moron. What do I care? What do I fucking care? A lovely lady comes over to your room and, you know... It's not a lovemaking. Everything with you is fucking... Yeah. I don't... Because I'm full of love. And I'm single now.

And I'm horny. And everything makes me fucking... Bosh my chob. Look. It's a private little thing, you know. Oh, I've heard about your little thing. Yeah, you should keep it private. It's a fucking great life hack.

And, you know, I want some love for the hack, man. I don't think there's much of a hack. Because the problem is very specific to you. What have I not hacked? I have hacked the specific... Anything. I'll tell you what I've hacked, Paul. I've hacked the specific problem of having chilly little shoulders when you want to go to bed, but you don't want to...

Tuck in the blanket around your neck. That doesn't work. It doesn't work. Why? Because you're tucked in at the bottom around your feet, which is more important. So, no. No, this is gash. It's not gash.

This might be your worst one yet. You've created a solution to a problem only you have and called it a life hack. It is a life hack for me. Well, congratulations, but it's not going to help anyone else. It might. Well, you know, if anyone out there would like to take

a picture of themselves wearing Eli's life hack, which is, you know... No, that's it, Paul. You've completely... Besides, all your socks are chock full of sperm. So you're going to be wrapping spermy, crusty socks to your neck. Yeah, like Rice Krispie shoulders. Oh, mate! What? The minute you turn over

You'll have like sperm dandruff On your pillow Just because you don't suffer from slightly chilly shoulders Getting into bed doesn't mean no one else does Paul and it doesn't mean That people aren't looking for cheap solutions To these small issues Because I have pyjamas

But then you've got a whole shirt on And that can be uncomfortably stuffy. No. And that's my life hack. Shit. What a load of utter shit. Well, I'd like to see you come up with one. All right, okay.

Here's a life hack for you, then. Yeah, what? Okay. I'm listening. Never lose your house keys ever again. I'm liking it so far. Don't leave your house keys ever again i'm liking it so far don't leave your house that just doesn't work on any level because you could still if you're agoraphobic i'll tell you i'll fucking correct your life hat yeah okay never lose your house keys again

yeah simply insert your keys into your scrotal sack surgically. Surgically. Do you know how difficult it'll be to try and open a door with the keys in your balls? You just have a zip put into your balls. No, that's disgusting. What about a lady? Where's she going to put the key? In a... Go on. Go on.

Finish the thought. Right. Okay. Maybe not into the scrotal sack, but you could just put a little flesh pocket on the... What if the keyhole's really high up in the door? It's impossible. Not with my knob, mate. My ball sack.

I fucking... It's... Sometimes I have trouble getting my nuts through the door. Never lose your house keys again by removing your front door. Therefore, you're never going to need house keys, are you? Again, you could still lose your house keys. All right. Never lose your house keys again by removing your front door. Therefore you're never going to need house keys. Again, you can still lose your house keys. Alright. Never lose your house keys again by super gluing

each key to any one of your fingers. I like this. See, that's it. Perfect. Yeah, that's a good one. So you've got your main front door key on your pointing finger. It only took you five minutes to come up with one. Your chub lock. That can be on your index. You just your chub locks. No, your chub.

You know, your big key. You've got a chub on. You've got your big chub on. A whiffy chub? What? On the chub step? You put a Yale on your pointing finger and then you put your big chub on your index. No, I don't know what the

middle finger is, the one that you give the bird with. Is that the index? No. Mate, you are really struggling. Mate, you have no fucking idea. Wow. What's happening, Paul? I don't know.

Oh, God. It's been a tough month for us, mate. We're making do. Are we going to do this story thing? Yeah, let's do the story thing because I do have a feature. Right. I went to a charity shop in Cambridge. I can't remember the name of it anymore.

Is it that really good one with all of the good stuff? No, it's not. I saved that for the brand new Price of Shite. That's my go-to now. That's my sure thing charity shop. my go-to now that's my sure thing charity shop um no i've got these things uh called storyteller dice i got them from 99p and i don't know if you know what storyteller dice are eli i can have a little guess well the idea is that you create stories by using these dice. Now dice or die have six sides as we all know. Not all of them.

Each one of these sides. Some of them have 20. Some of them have 10. Yeah, so these die. Are these normal dice? These have got six. These are regular common or garden die. Yeah? Yeah. And on each side

there's five, there's one, two, three, four, five, six die, or dice. I don't know how you work that.

I don't know. Is it dice for plural? Yes. I have six dice, but one die. It's quite simple. Great. Then I have six dice,

and on each side of the die, there is a different image, and all the six dice have different images so the idea is you roll them all and then you use the images on the dice to tell a story yeah so should we have a little go of it have a lovely little go tell a little story i'm gonna go first right and i'll roll the die and i'll tell you what six images I get, and then I'm going to create a story, and then you can comment as we go, okay? Okay, yes.

Right, I'm going to put them in my little box. Give them a little chunkle chunkle. Oh, what have we got here? We have a ladder. Ladder. Image number one. We have a duck. number one We have a duck Image number two

We have a cup of hot beverage For image number three Oh we have No it's a poop It's a poop There's a poop It's a proper curly poo With stink lines coming off the top

It's a poop That's image number four. Image number five is kitty cat. Meow. And finally, image number six is a massive whale spurting water from its spout. A whale.

So, Eli, give me a title for the story and I will work these images into it. Autumn Again. Try again with more effort. Autumn's Here Again. Right, fuck you. What?

You can't just ask me for a title and say no. You know what? I don't fucking like it. I don't like it. I'll get you to do something, Eli. I don't like it. I'll do it again. I'm going to come up with my own title.

And this story is called The Adventures of Dinky Duck and his dirty friend, Billy the Cat. That's shit. That's totally shit. In the story. Who's this story for then? Who's this fucking story for? It's for children age 5 to 12. Alright?

This is going to be fucking terrible already. What's it called? You can't even remember what it's called. What's it called, Paul? It's called The Adventures of Dinky Duck. Alright? And? And?

And the story's... I'm changing it on the fly. Right, yeah. Because I'm not happy. Dinky Duck. It's just called Dinky fucking Duck. Okay. Once Upon a Time.

Oh, yeah. Story time. Great. Many good stories begin with Once Upon a Time. So, yeah. I'm saying it's nice. You're leading me in. I'm going, oh, Once Upon a Time.

Once Upon a Time. Shut up. Hello, children. I've got a lovely story for you, and it's called Dinky Duck. Here we go. I hope you enjoy it. Fuck's sake. In Patchwork Pond at the end of Dingley Dell lived Dinky Duck. Dinky Duck?

The what? Dinky Duck was a curious little duck and not like all the other ducks who had an attitude problem apparently. Dinky Duck was a lovely duck. He would wake up in the morning and go, hmm, what a super day to be alive. And all his other

mates would say, hmm, we don't like you, Dinky Duck. His other mates? What, apart from the ducks or what? They're just ducks, alright? They're just ducks, alright? They're just ducks. That wasn't made clear. It was made clear.

So what's happened? He's woken up. He doesn't like his friends. He's a twat. He doesn't like his friends. His friends just don't like Dinky's style because Dinky thinks outside the box. This is so fucking cliched already.

It doesn't have to be original or funny. Oh, it doesn't have to be original. Because it's not going to be either of those things. All right. So one day, Dinky woke up and looked at the bottom of his pond and saw that some naughty farmer Farmer John had thrown You mean to start with, can I just sorry to interrupt you in mid

flow there, but the ladder comes before the duck so you can't start with the duck I'm using creative license to make the story work Don't let me stop you So as a farmer I'm not going to be this critical with you Provide I work all six of these into my story, it doesn't Alright? Don't let me stop you. Okay. Alright. So as a farmer, as the duck metaphor,

I'm not going to be this critical with you. Alright? You fucking are. Provide they work all six of these into my story, it doesn't matter what order. Well, we're about fucking five minutes in and do you know how many you fucking worked in? One.

Two. I've just brought the ladder in. No, you haven't. I have. Just now I said the farmer put the ladder in the pond. Anyway, shut up. You did not say that. You did not say that.

You just said the farmer. Well, yeah, because you fucking interrupted me and I lost my thread, didn't I? I'm interested now. Once upon a time, Dinky the Duck woke up in his pond and saw there was a ladder in there. Oh. Oh. Said Dinky. Oh, I think the farmer's dropped his ladder in there. Oh! Oh! said Dinky. Oh!

I think the farmer's dropped his ladder in the pond. I had better return it to him. I don't like Dinky's voice. So Dinky, with all his might, picked up the large 12-foot ladder in his beak and dragged it from the pond and took it across the field. But, oh no.

Oh no. Halfway there, he saw the evil, miserable, spiteful cat, Eli. Eli the cat. Oh, for fuck's sake. And Eli was all, can I come in?

Rawr! Rawr! This is my story, mate. I have creative licence. You are just here for feedback and comfort. I don't need anything from you, mate. I'm alright. So, Dinky the cat no, Eli the cat

said to Dinky the duck, what the fuck you doing? And Dinky went, oh, I'm taking the ladder back to Farmer John. It's falling in the pool. And Eli the cat went, Fuck my life. What a waste of fucking time.

I've got a small dick. Oh, yeah. And Noodle, you'll never do it all by yourself. Could you please, please please could something else happen it's happening right so Dinky the duck just turns to

Eli the cat and goes nobody really likes you Eli you're a menace and your gruff exterior and your bad attitude masks a soft vulnerable core that you're afraid to show to people for fear of letting anyone in emotionally, which is why you'll always be alone. And then fucked off with the ladder. So that's the cat out the way.

Anyway, next. Next. Next. Next. He's crossing. He looks up in a tree. And Dinky is surprised because there's James the Whale in the tree. Oh, brilliant.

James goes... James the Whale. James the Whale, yeah. James the Whale. You're literally... You just go for the most surface thought just because there was a guy called

James Whale who used to have a terrible late night fucking TV programme this is a kids one they're not going to know who James Whale is I'll get away scot-free with this. Fucking hell, man.

James shouts down to Dinky. Oh, hello. What you carrying there, boy? And because he's Wales and he's from Wales. That's right. What you doing there, boy? Please wrap it up. Please. i've got two more squares shut up so dinky goes oh i'm taking a ladder to farmer john he left it in the pool and james goes now now we get the motivation this didn't even come in it did it came in early you weren't listening mate fucking didn't so j James the whale goes,

Oh, well, you can climb up here with the ladder and I can get down, boyo. So, Dinky puts the ladder up against the tree and James the whale says, Thank you very much, boy.

I'm very happy to be down from that tree. Don't ask how I got up there. That's too narratively complicated to get into at this point. So, let me treat you to a nice cup of tea. Come with me to Farmer John's

coffee shop. How is the whale moving? How does the whale move? With difficulty. Alright, so James the whale awkwardly rolls across the field with Dinky in tow, carrying the ladder to Farmer John's

coffee shop. Farmer John He's a farmer? Yeah, he's also got a nice organic coffee shop on his ground where people come and buy farm foods and organic coffee. All right, he's making his farmer business. This is what I need, a bit of world building.

I'm building the world as I go. So, farmer goes, All right there, mate, you've fucking brought me ladder back and dinky goes oh yeah that's right i brought it back because you left it in the pool um farmer goes nah mate i was chucking it out because it was shit but that's all right uh you got james down from the tree and that's the important thing mate yes it is it it is. It's a very good tree, so it is. And a very good ladder. It got me down from the tree.

As a result, I'm agreeing to buy him a coffee. So, James buys everyone a coffee, but Farmer John put laxative in it and they all had the shits. I can see that coming. Did you? Did you see my twist? Did you see my twist? Did you see my twist?

Because I knew you had poop was the last thing you had to do. And I knew they'd just have to take a shit at the end. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Dinky goes home. It's not even called Dinky. It was called Dingle. It was called Dinky Duck.

Is it my turn now? I enjoyed that, Paul. Dinky goes back to his pond. It was a big day for him. He carried a ladder, saved a whale, had coffee and had the shit. The end. Alright? That's my story

and it was beautiful. Yeah. I don't think there's much feedback to have from that. It was textbook. It had voices and character and adventure and incident and resolution and a twist at the end. The voices were about the best thing. Thank you.

Right, is it Eli's turn for a story? Yes, it's my turn. Right, get a pen and paper down so you can read these, so you can remember them, rather. I've got a pen and paper ready so you can read these. All right, so you can remember them, rather. I've got a pen and paper ready. Shaking it. Here we go. Whoa.

So, your first dice is a bicycle. The next one. Oh, what is it? It's a rainy cloud. So, there's a cloud with raindrops coming down. Next one. Oh, it's a rainy cloud. So there's a cloud with raindrops coming down. Next one. Oh, it's a clock. You've got a clock face.

And if you want, it says it is 20 past 12 on the clock face. Right. Do I have to use that? Can't I just have a clock? You can do whatever you want, mate. I'm just saying if you wanted extra information, that's what the time says on it. All right. It's up to you if you use it or not.

The next one is a dinner plate with a knife and fork. Oh, look at this! Oh, it's a pencil! How are you going to work that into the story? And finally, finally, your next one is a

it's a bang! There's just a big word bang with an explosion around it. So that's your six items. You've got a bike, a cloud, a clock, a dinner plate with knife and fork, a pencil and the word bang. When you're ready,

tell us your lovely story. What are you going to call it? Autumn Approaches. That's clever. That's witty and original. Have you got something better for me, Paul? Yeah.

I'll take whatever you want me to call this story. Because I'm not some kind of precious ninny. Your title is called The Ennui of Self-Reflection. I'm not going to call it that. No, go on. Go with your fucking

precious autumn falls thing, which I don't think you'll work into the narrative, but let's just see where it goes. Ladies and gentlemen, Eli Silverman presents his story,

Something Shit About Autumn. My bicycle was called Jemima and I rode it. There's no sense of mood right now, by the way. I don't know where we are. The road wound down the hillside and the gravel gently murmured under Jemima's large, oversized tyres. Murmured?

You're just grabbing words now. So you've got a bike called Jemima, which, frankly, you know... As I bumped along... Does it have character? Is it just a normal bike? Is it a magic bike? As I bumped along, it have character? Is it just a normal bike? Is it a magic bike? As I bumped along

Jemima spoke to me because she was magic Right good so now it's magic Good now that I've seeded that idea You decided to add a bit of whimsy into it So Jemima is your magic bike That you're riding down the road Sorry Twisty and turny all over the gravel

As Jemima gently bumped my nutsack up and down. And she sang a wordless song in her murmury murmury way. I'd love to hear this song. What's it sound like? Murmur

murmur murmur And I thought, ah does it sound like? Mama! Mama! And I thought, oh, if only Jemima was a real woman. No. A real bike.

What? She's not a real bike? She's a tricycle. I just didn't mention that. Oh, right. So, it's very poor. So, it's a tricycle,

but you wish... It's more stable. She's more stable that way. Right. So, you just can't ride a bike. poor. So, it's a tricycle, but you wish... It's more stable. She's more stable that way. Okay, right. So, you just can't ride a bike. Okay, so, magic bike. I was lost in a reverie. Jemima's gentle singing, the murmur of the gravel, and the lovely breeze.

Then suddenly... Go on. Suddenly,head of me On the now straightening road On the way to the town A rain cloud Oh no Formed

It's ruining your lovely day And it wasn't It wasn't just like the sky getting dark It was like a single rain cloud About two metres across Hovering Like a UFO Or a flying saucer. We get it.

And it was a bit green. Right. But it was a cloud. But it was green. Suddenly I thought, oh, it's 12, not suddenly. No, it can't suddenly. The cloud. The cloud reminded me of some broccoli. And I thought, oh, I've got

a grumble on. I need something to eat. What time is it? I took out my oversized clock. Right. Is it magical? From my waistcoat pocket. So far.

Big chain on it. I don't know where the story's going. I don't know where the peril is. I don't know, you know, I don't know what the point is so far. As I was looking at my clock, as I was looking at the clock, I noticed the time was 12.20. But I shouldn't have taken my eyes off the road because no sooner had I done that, that I screeched over a cliff face

and was dangling by one of my large pneumatic tyres, Jemima's rather, and her song quickly escalated to a panicked scream. Eeeeee! Right. Now I'm engaged. I want to know how this pans out

for you and Jemima. It was all okay. Worst cliffhanger ever. Because it wasn't much of a cliff. It looked like a cliff, but it was a bit like a skate ramp, you know, quite steep at the top with the vertical bit, but then it was sort of smoothed out, so we made it down there, and we made it home.

That is so awful. You literally... It's not the end yet, Paul. It's not the end yet. No, I know it's not the end. This is the little lull at the end of the third act, yeah? This is... what? The end of the third act? Yeah, we made it home. This is the little lull at the end of the third act. What? The end of the third act?

Yeah. We made it home. Stories mostly have three acts, so by rights, you've finished. I parked Jemima after checking Jemima's tires. This feels like more of the beginning of the first act's part. You went for a bike, you looked at a cloud, which is great, that's exciting, which hasn't gone anywhere.

It was a green cloud. Where did that go? Where did that story thread go? Nowhere. Then you looked at a clock. It's coming back. Alright. It's coming back. Shut up. It's coming back. Then you looked at your clock and then went over a speed bump and you turned that weakly into a cliffhanger. But go on. Now you're home.

I parked Jemima in the shed after checking her tyres. Is that a euphemism for you fucking your bike? I don't fuck tricycles, mate. I'm not a sicko. I walked into my dining room. Lo and behold, there was a plate. Just a bare plate.

Suddenly... Stop saying suddenly! That's like when a six-year-old writes a story. It's like, suddenly a dinosaur turned up, and the dinosaur was nice, and then suddenly it turned into a cloud, and then the cloud went away. All right, I'll do that bit again.

I'll do that bit again. I walked into the dining room, and there was a plate on the table, and a fork and a knife with nothing on it. Gradually, the room darkened, but I hadn't turned the lights out, and it wasn't a dimmer switch gradually

I said gradually you cunt the room darkened and I looked to the window there was a funny green miasma at the window wouldn't you believe it oh boy it was the cloud from before

I'm not excited for this cloud for your parents at all wouldn't you believe it? Oh boy, it was the cloud from before. I'm not excited for this cloud for your parents at all. And it was all green and it came in, seeped in through the edges of the windows and then it turned to be a bit of broccoli and landed on the plate and I had my dinner after all

at 12.20. Fuck. Then, yeah, there was a big bang and I woke up and it had all been a dream. The end.

Do you like that? No. Do you know what you didn't do? Where did the pen come in? You forgot about the pencil.

I shoved a pencil up my arse. Then I woke up and it had all been a dream apart from the pencil which was lodged up my arse. Then I woke up. And it had all been a dream, apart from the pencil, which was lodged up my arse. And I shat all over it. I didn't shit anything. I just stuck a...

I put a pencil in my urethra for a sex thing and I passed out from the pain and it had all been a dream from that. Shall we never do this podcast again? How is that? How is it that you are the least creative person I know? Clankerman. I knew you were going to mention that.

And frankly, Clankerman was built on the bones of a more talented director who helped you through it. Fucking hell. You know? I'm just going to say it. Yeah, just say it. I'm just going to say it. Listen, mate. Yeah? Yeah. We'll see. I'm just going to say it yeah just say it listen mate

yeah we'll see we'll see who has the best story I think my story was better it was so vacuous and stupid oh I'm sorry is my little adventure of a duck trying to return a ladder

and meeting wacky characters on the way worse than your story about a man who rides a bike, goes home, sees a cloud, turns into broccoli, and then he wakes up. That's it. I think that was the strongest bit where I woke up and it was all a dream and I had a pencil in my dick.

Yeah, that was my favourite bit. That was my favourite bit, yeah. The rude awakening and then, yeah, the pencil sticking out of your... It's good that they should do that more where people wake up at the end of things and it was all favourite bit. The rude awakening and then the pencil sticking out of your... It's good that they should do that more where people wake up at the end of things and it was all a dream.

Yeah, I don't think that's... It's satisfying. It's never been done in narrative before. I don't think... I can't think of that being a denouement. What happened at the end of your stupid fucking thing? Everyone had a lovely coffee and got the shits. Bravo.

Thank you. At least you could tell mine to kids. Yours sounds like the most horrific diary entry of Salvador Dali. Thank you. You picked up on the surreal there. You see? There's something going on with me, Paul. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's something

going... There is something going on with you. Do you know what? This could be it. We could get zero downloads. They could take downloads away from us. Well, I think we made an effort. We've got to get back in the studio, Paul. We've got to get back in the studio. Well, we are going to.

We've got our Halloween special on the way. There's going to be lots of fun. Look, you know what? I think people just like sharing time with us, and if you've enjoyed sharing time with us, then say so on Twitter. We just want to say thank you for listening. If indeed you are still listening, if you made it this far, congratulations. You are a true cheapskate. And we might have Ash Fifth coming up on the show.

We might have Ash coming back. He's turned up on Barshan's now, so he's a part of the larger Cheap Show Barshan's family. Do you have anything to say? Anything you want to plug? Pimp? Any gigs you're doing that people can come down to and say hello? No. Anyway, I consider this a great episode of Cheap Show.

Probably our best. Mate. episode of Cheap Show. Probably our best. Mate. So, with that in mind, thank you for listening to yet another House of Pickles, the mini-episode that lasts almost an hour. Feel the smell.

You can follow the podcast on Twitter, at The Cheap Show Pod. You can also follow me, at PaulGannonShow or Eli. Feel the smell of my pickles. No, just give us your Twitter handle, you fuck. It's EliSnoidy, L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Yes, you can follow us there.

Get involved. Go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk for videos and images and sound clips. Shut your stupid, furry... Pickle-encrusted mouth. Who's the name of that guy who does the painting in America? David Bellamy? No.

You do look like David Bellamy if he'd had multiple strokes. What didn't he have multiple strokes? What didn't he? Lovely underground. Here in the House of Pickles. Lovely creepy crawlers and some real pickles. Well, we've lost Eli, so it's just up to me to say goodbye.

Thank you for listening to Cheap Show. This is just something to do. So we apologise. Goodbye, everyone. Sorry. It's not our best work, but we do think it's something. It is something. That was something. Thank you very much.

Right, goodbye. Yes.