CheapShow - Ep 57: Spirit Squad

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

Let's get spooky! It's another Halloween special at CheapShow HQ and you're all invited along for another episode filled with ghosts, games and grumpy old men. It starts out typically rocky, as Paul & Eli have a very early blow out over Eli's silly voices, but things become a little more steady as the cheap chaps play a ghoulish edition of "The Price of Shite 2.0". Later, we play "Trick or Treat" as we mix Halloween candy with scary musical choices from Silverman's Platter. Paul also gets to show off his knowledge of the supernatural by listening to some truly spooky EVPs and plays a few audio anomalies of his own! Finally, CheapShow delivers something truly novel... A scripted horror comedy adventure! Ever wanted to know what it would be like if Eli and Paul were proper Ghostbusters? Well, you can now find out with their special audio play "Spirit Squad" It's a bumper spooky CheapShow... Enjoy it. If You Dare!!! With thanks to Ash Frith, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo) & Richard Wentworth (From The Hadron Gospel Hour podcast)! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid and our special guests @HadronGospel @ashfrith @mrbiffo If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

After you've had a wank, you can do your intro. How about that? Hello, ladies and gentlemen. If you could see what I'm seeing right now. He's never ever seen me. Here's a reference for you. He looks like Blakey from off the buses, on the buses. Say, I hate you, Butler. I hate you, Butler.

What? You look like Blakey, but ugly and hairy and small. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about that that evil genius? I'll tell you what. Yes! I'm going to put a reverb on your voice right now so it all sounds spooky and echoey, right?

Stop having a fag when we're recording. You pathetic little man. You're ruining our Halloween intro. Give us a spooky... I'm going to put a reverb on it, so speak slow and long, and I will add an echo. So, ready?

Go. Oh, hello speak slow and long, and I will add an echo. So, ready? Go. Whoa, hello, ladies and gentlemen. It's another time to enjoy Jeep Show. A scary Halloween episode of Jeep Show. It's dastardly number 50. Dastardly? I don't know why I said that. I'll do this again. No, don't bother.

Just don't bother. Don't bother. No, don't bother. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Don't bother. It's Zip Show. Don't bother. Ooh.

I mean, I fucking terrified Silverman. And here's Paul, actually evil, not even in a supernatural way, just nasty to people, Ganon! You wretched little fart. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of Chiefs, so you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time.

Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? welcome to cheap show welcome to cheap show welcome how well it's a spooky Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm not going on a nuzzle. Okay, well welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome. Well, it's a spooky Halloween flavoured Cheap Show special today. It's that time of the year again, Paul, where I like to wade through piles of leaves. Yeah, autumn is in full bloom. Smelling the autumn bloom.

And I think about pumpkins. Oh, lovely pumpkins. And I think of small children in costumes going a trick-or-treating. Going a trick-or-treating. Going a trick-or-treating. Knocking on the door. Trick-or-treat. I come to your house.

I'm a child. I knock on your door. Hello there. Trick or treat, mister. Trick. Yeah? What are you going to do? I haven't got anything for you. We're going to egg your house. Yeah, whatever.

I'll wait for it to dry and sprinkle it on something, like a noodle. I'm going to eat noodle, egg sprinkle noodles. House dried eggs. It's a fucking speciality where I come from. So that won't work. That won't work.

What do you want? All right. What do you want? How about a bag, a paper bag with dog doos in that we light on fire? Well, you've ruined it now, haven't you? Why? Because I'll just use a bucket of water. That's a good point.

What about we throw a brick through your window? That will be a trick, and that will work as a trick. Shall we do that, boys? Let's do that! We all want to do that now, unless you give us sweets, mister. You're not getting sweets. All I have is some

oxo cubes. You can make this easy for yourself, mister. Or very difficult. You either hand us some sweets from the bowl I see just behind you in the hallway. Or we'll fuck you up. I don't have a bowl. Or we'll fuck you up, mister. I don't have a fucking bowl. You have a bowl just there behind you.

I can't see it. Stop ruining improv. If I've suggested something and it's in the scene, you've got to go with it. Don't block me. Alright? Alright. So I saw your bowl of candy on the side. Stop ruining improv. If I've suggested something and it's in the scene, you've got to go with it. Don't block me. Alright? So I saw your bowl of candy on the side. Oh shit, I shouldn't have left that huge bowl of candy out. So give us some, mister, and we won't make life

tricky for you. I've already told you. Yeah? Trick. Now I'm shutting the door. We'll glass you. Fine. I don't care. What have I got to fucking live for anyway? You know what I mean? It's nice to have a bit of human comfort, actually.

Human company, you know. Would you like us to come in? I don't think you should, really. No. No. But, you know, we could stand here. So, how's your mum? She's alright, actually.

Good, I'm glad. She had a bit of back pain last week. Yeah, I haven't. But she's alright, actually. Good, I'm glad. She had a little bit of back pain last week. Yeah, I haven't, yeah. But she's alright now. Why won't you come home, Dad? Just tell her I love her and I'm sorry. She cries at night, Dad. Right.

Total fucking ambivalence. Fucking hell. Right, that's Halloween. That's what it means for me, Paul. God, that's depressing. I love Halloween. Yes. I watch Ghostwatch every year.

That's fun. The Stephen Volk BBC One drama that they showed in 92, I think it was. It is my favourite festival because you get to watch scary movies. I like scary movies. And you get to see people with god-awful costumes, I like scary movies. And you get to see people with god-awful costumes, often simply consisting of one bandage with some red smeared on one point,

just put on their head. And they think that's, do you know what I mean? That's enough. You see, it's enough. It's enough. It's not enough. It's enough. You should just not do it. If all you're going to do is put one bandage on with one bloody blood mark on the bandage,

don't bother. Don't bother. do you want proof of the supernatural can i show you proof of the supernatural because there is an article on a website called io9 the article's called no you're terrified of this insanely haunted school i've seen it have you yeah watched it last night uh on the on the bus it was okay and you know what it freaked me out you know why it freaked me out? Go on. Because the guy who posted it said, put the volume up.

Yeah. Because this isn't one of those screamers that jumps at you at the end. Yeah. So I thought, it is one of those screamers. Do you know what I mean? And I'm there and I'm thinking, it's going to do it. Something's going to jump. And I couldn't bear...

I actually couldn't bear to watch the whole thing because I was so sure that something was going to go, ah, at the end. I hate those. They get me. You big, softy baby. And the screamers get me. What can I say? The screamers get me.

Well, that's what they're there, though, for. They're just nothing. It's stupid. I know it's stupid. Anyway, what this is, is in Cork Island, they use video security cameras to capture what they think is poltergeist activity at a secondary school called Deer Park CBS.

And make sure you turn the sound on. That's what it says in the article. Yeah, because you can hear things rocking back and forth. Deer Park's head teacher, Aaron Wolfe, was puzzled by the incident, which features slamming lockers, flickering lights, and a flying wet floor sign, amongst other horrors. So the video is a shot of a corridor at night yes and then a bunch of clearly faked things happen is it clearly faked i hadn't

looked they're on strings are they first of all okay so there are businesses big businesses that have security camera with lower resolution footage than that it's extremely high res very high res the camera is perfectly framed yes look at the whole gamut of the action that's going on yes that have a security camera with lower resolution footage than that. It's extremely high res. Very high res. The camera is perfectly framed. Look at the whole gamut of the action that's going on. And almost when you see the wet floor sign, you think, that's going to move. Haunted video, says the link.

Click on it and there's a thing right there. It's a bit too perfect. You know it. And the locker. It's all strings. It's all... Mate, it looks fake as fuck. Well, I was slightly creeped out by it. Yeah, because you're a big baby, aren't you?

Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, class nightmare that is. I was afraid my au pair would kill me in the night. Okay, sorry Paul for being middle class. Is that what this has turned into? Yeah. Is that what this has turned into? Yeah. You didn't have the luxuries growing up and the au pairs and the fresh bananas that I had. I would have dreams at Halloween

that my canapes would be riddled with maggots. All right, maybe that wasn't a good example. Papa. I would have dreams of Papa and his cravat coming to life and trying to strangle me. What did you then? What did you? Oh, I had dreams some fucking working class ghost

with a big scouse wig would come and go, all right, have a fucking pint, you piece of shit. You're horrible. I know. I've lost my mojo. Have you? How can we get your mojo back? I don't know.

Should we summon the devil? I don't think that's advisable. I'm going to summon the devil right now and get your mojo. We'll trade your soul for mojo. Mojo? Yeah. Yeah. I need to get into a trance state.

Okay. All right. I need to get into a trance state. Okay. All right. I think he's gone into a trance. I'm going into a trance. I think he's gone into a trance now. He's back.

He's back in the room, but something else is in the room. I can smell sulphur. You fucking say my feet. It's Paul's feet. Yeah, I knew you were going to do that. There's a cheese underlay on the sulphur smell. Under's Paul's feet. Yeah, I knew you were going to do that. There's a cheese underlay on the sulphur smell. Underlay, underlay. Where's the devil then? Shut up.

You ruined my trance. You're blocking now. You're blocking yourself. Going under. I am the devil. Oh, fuck's sake. I am the devil. Why would he say that? He wouldn't say that Because you might not recognise me voice I don't recognise your voice

It's Paul's fucking stupid It's one of Paul's three voices It's Paul's northern voice That's three more than the number of voices you can do No I'll give you seven voices now Go One Mexican

Hello Two Russian Three No you're not letting me do it Go on Two Russian Seven voices now. Go. One. Mexican. Hello. Two. Russian half. Three. No, you're not letting me do it. Go on. Two. Russian.

Three. Oh, I've got a funny voice. Five. Hello, I've got a funny voice. He didn't even realise I'd skipped to four. He should have had four. You're not even listening. Do you want to hear four?

Yeah. That sort of voice. It's actually sticking your tongue out. Six. I've got a lovely big bonus head. God. Seven. Oh, you could say that.

You could say that, mate. You could say that. You could say that, but, you know. Awful. Anyway, I'm the devil, so. I'm going to stick with voice number seven for the rest of this, Paul. I'm the devil. You're the devil, then, are you?

Yeah. Yeah, all right. Yeah. Yeah, right. So, Mr. Devil, why is there... If you're evil, right, and God is all good, how could he create you, what is evil? Oi! Oi! What are you saying, oi? What are you saying to that? I like this voice.

I'll do this voice forever. No, please don't do this voice forever. Please don't do that forever. I think the wind has changed and my voice is stuck like this voice. I'll do this voice forever. No, please don't do this voice forever. Please don't do that forever. I think the wind has changed and my voice is stuck like this. Good impro though. You've got a choice. Do that voice.

Yeah. Stop doing the podcast. Or I'll just jab you in the eye with my finger. It's come to violence again, has it? Yeah. It's come to violence, ladies and gentlemen. Right, Paul. It's the Halloween special again, has it? Yeah. It's come to violence, ladies and gentlemen. Right, Paul.

It's the Halloween special. I'm enjoying this. Please don't do that voice. Well, you must make some concessions too. Such as? Stop being so shit. Well, I can't promise that. Right, Paul.

I've stopped doing the voice now. Good. So, I'm the devil. You asked me for your soul. Right. I asked you for my soul. You know what I'm getting at. I do not. Trade your soul in. That's I'm the devil. You ask me for your soul. Right. I ask you for my soul. You know what I'm getting at. I do not.

Trade your soul in for your mojo. That's the thing, Paul. You just think, if I throw a jumbled bag of words out my mouth, some of them, in a different combination, would, if I had actually bothered with the combination, make some sort of sense. They do not make sense. This is the basis of what we call syntax. I don't want to do this improv anymore. I know you don't. I don't want you to do it. I'll do it. You're the devil.

Okay, no, I've just got to go under. Okay, go under. I am Zimbabwe and I have come. You make a deal? He's walking out, ladies and gentlemen. He's walking out. Paul's walking out. He's actually a deal. He's walking out, ladies and gentlemen. He's walking out. Paul's walking out.

He's actually walking out. He's gone. Right. We're in the house of pickles by ourselves. Christ. He's... Are you back? He's back.

I'm making a cigarette. You do your show. You do your show. I'm not doing a show. You do your show. I can't do a show without you. You do it with all your funny voices. Do your show with all your funny voices.

I can't do a show without you. Go on. I can't do a show without you. Apparently. Apparently you can. Apparently you can. Do your voices. Alright.

Oh, I'm the devil. I'm Oomphassafat! And I have a deal for someone. Who is in here? Oh, hello. I'm Eli. And I've lost my mojo. Just saying fuck you, Paul, doesn't seem to be cutting it anymore. And I was hoping you'd maybe give me some mojo.

And we could go... I'm looking to... Very funny stuff so far. Keep going, mate. Genius. Comic genius. 50% equity in my soul? I demand the whole 100% soul.

Okay, 100%. But can I have a mojo? You'll get your mojo. Oh, yes. Now, let me do the spell. Ooh, boogie, boogie. Boogie, boogie. the spell. Ooh, boogie boogie. Boogie boogie? Boogie.

Ooh, spell. Ooh, he wants his mojo, I destroy his soul. Okay, here you go. Right, that's done it. Thank you. I've got my mojo back officially now. Alright, Paul? It's okay, I sorted that.

That's sorted out now, Paul. Yeah. So, what have we got coming up on this Halloween-flavoured episode of Cheap Show? Price of Shite. We've got a special Halloween-flavoured Price of Shite. Are we going to play that now? Yeah. Welcome to...

No! No. What do you mean, no? Got to sign off this link. I'm having a fag. Fuck me. off this link. I'm having a fag. Fuck me. It's Halloween and I'm having a fag. Why?

Coming up on the show today we have Halloween flavoured Price of Shite special. That's what I tried to just say. Followed by a spooky edition of Silverman's Platter. Oh, I'm looking forward to that, Paul. And then finally, Paul. And then finally, Secret. There's a secret section at the end of the show?

Yeah, there's going to be a secret... I've had the microphone the wrong way around. I'll fix it in post. Yes, a secret finale today. Okay, good. I'm looking forward to that. So, is it time for Price of Shite now? It is time for the Price of Shite. I'm just going to stop recording and then me and you're gonna have fucking words it's time for a halloween price of shite oh oh it's dark down here oh oh, ooh, what am I going to do?

They said they were going to play a game down here. I don't know what the game is. Ooh, who is that? Is it Skeevy Nicks? Sorry. Like Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac. Skeevy Simon. No, Skeevy Nicks works for me.

Are you Skeevy Nicks? Hello. I am. I don't want to do this voice for the whole section. I'm Skeevy Nicks. do this voice for the whole section. So don't do it. I'm Skeevy Nix. Hello. Hello Skeevy Nix.

And welcome to my horror version of The Price of Shine. And here's what's going to happen. There are 25 steps to hell. If you go over the 25 steps you'll fall into hell and be molested by demons. Forever? Forever. That's good. And you'll be forced to sit through everything Noel Edmonds ever thought and said in his life.

So like, inhabit him from birth to death? Yeah, on a loop forever. You seem quite happy about that. I like that. Right, not then. You are... You are... I'm ready to play, Paul. I don't know about you. So, it's the rules.

I've got items ranging between nothing and £1. How many? Okay, three items on the docket today. They're all Halloween flavoured. Good. All you've got to do is guess the price, and depending on how far out or over you are, you climb up the stairs towards £25. Well, Mr. Gannon,

I'm here to play, and I'm going to jolly well give my best, okay? All you have to do is worry that you don't go over the 25p margin of error or you'll fall into the pit of horror. Yes. What's about that then? No. Right, okay.

I think we all know now. Plop. Right, are we ready? I'm ready. For item number one on the price of what you got bring it out whip it out what's that that's an item oh that's a good item oh what is this this is it's a wavy snake yeah cobra headed wavy plastic snake it's segmented ladies and gentlemen yeah and I believe it has this is the cheapest item is it? this is the cheapest item

it's fresh in bag it's fresh in bag it's quite the item I'm getting it out and it's a wavy snake but it's tail it's a segmented wavy snake why don't you say it's the fucking mic it's a segmented wavy snake, very similar to others. Why don't you say it's the fucking mic? It's a segmented wavy snake, like a cobra, and it sort of mimics the real movement.

Yeah, it wiggles and woggles. It wiggles and woggles. But the tail, which is something I have not seen before, is a torch. Yeah. Does that mean the head lights up? I don't know. Try it. No. No. Has it got battery in? Let's have a look. It's opening it now. has it got battery here let's have a look it's opening

it now there is no battery in i have batteries okay bear with me all right what are you feeling so far well it's uh it's a little toy item it's it's uh under a pound so that's quite cheap so it is nasty it's badly made it's nasty and it's by Screen Machine, I believe is the company. Is that right? I think so. Screen Machine. Okay, you've got the battery. It takes two double A's. That's the type of battery a lot of people have in their home,

from putting in alarm clocks, small handheld devices, and torches, I believe. So, this is a torch. He's turned it on. I haven't. I'm turning on my pink He's turned it on. I haven't. I'm turning on my pink wiggly snake. Here we go. It flashes. It flashes, ladies and gentlemen. It's sort of each alternate segment,

including the cobra head, flashes and it's a Halloween toy. It's a pink, flashing, curvy big snake. Yes. With a torch on the end. Right. And this, you say, is the cheapest. It was the cheapest item on today's Halloween. I can't imagine it.

Price of shite. I'll give you a bit of my thought process here, Paul. I can't imagine this costing less than 50p. But, yeah, I'm going to say 50p. Well, you said 50p. The actual price was 45p. I was about to say that. But you didn't.

I was going to hedge my bets and go for 45. I'm just going to go with my gut. I think if anything has taught me to go with my gut, it's this show. 3, 4, 5. You're sitting on the fifth step on the stairway to hell. Okay. Alright. I'm alright with that.

You're happy with that? If I'm about by five feet... You know what's interesting? Proper price of something. Not something you found on the floor. I'm still really hung up on that. Okay. I need you to know.

All right. That I find that... That's a slap in the face from you, that is, professionally. It's not a slap in the face. It's how to win. It cheats the audience. It cheats me. No.

And it's a little victory for you. And that's what it comes down to. You're a a horrible person i think people are going to enjoy my crispy eye patch from the previous anyway second item well they already have had a listen to it by now so stop talking in future past attends past attends whatever it's item number two on the price of shine produce it oh where is it he's delving in his bag. I'm delving in my bag and I'm pulling it out. What is it? Here it is.

It's an item that is covered in bubble wrap and it's a ghostie. This is quite nice. This is quite nice. Was this charity shop bought? Yes, it was a charity shop, this one.

This is an item that would have jumped out at me, Paul, I would have to say, even if it wasn't Halloween because it's't Halloween. Because it's quite nice. It is... What is it? A tea light holder.

Yeah. Shaped in the shape of a classic cartoon Casper-style ghost. Am I right in saying that? Say it into your microphone. I am saying it into the microphone. Otherwise I have to play the levels. I'm looking at the level over there and it was fucking fine. Stop trying to micromanage me.

Someone has to. I'm not your fucking girlfriend. Wow. Right, it's a ceramic cartoon ghost candle holder. It's quite a nice little thing. It isn't a bad item, I have to say.

I'm not quite sure the pottery... Look at that, there's a crack on it. I didn't see that. Oh yeah, it's a defect. It's a defect on the pottery there. It was cheap. I'll say it's a scar. It's a defect on the pottery there. It was cheap. I'll say it's a scar. And it says trick or treat inside there. Yeah.

So it's definitely Halloween. It's got an orange sort of red interior, white ghost outside and it's a bit cartoony. It's smiling. A little bit of fun. It's not scary. It's a lovely little bit of fun. Lovely little novelty candle holder. On a window ledge maybe, facing out onto the street on your house. Halloween.

I'm going to go for 80p. 80p. Are you sure you want to go with 80p? I mean, I don't care, but are you going with 80p? 82p. Interesting. You went up. 82p is my final answer.

Mr. Gannon, yes. The actual price? 70p. 70p for that. So you are 12 off. 12. So up the stairs. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

Now, not much of a margin. What am I sitting on there? Number 17? You're sitting on the naughty step to 17. So I've got an 8p margin of error possible. For this last item. In order to stay on the stairs and not fall into the pit of demons. In this spooky edition of The Price of Shite.

It's going to the line. Please produce your third item. Here it is. You may have seen this before before but i've revealed it now for the show okay it is this what is it this is a box it's uh it says on the front ridley so that's the people who do ridley's believe it or not i believe so yes uh they're sort of a novelty corporation aren't they they deal in the uh more macabre and bizarre elements of human life in all its shapes and sizes ridley's magic lights from anywhere let the magic begin pluck a mysterious

glowing red light from the air from thin air contains magician's secrets so this is a magic trick it is indeed shall i show you how it works before you have a look at it but i'll show you bear with me so you've got to imagine I'm a magic man. Ah. Right? I've come to this show. I want to be amazed. Also, I'd like some gags. And also, perhaps like an assistant in a nice dress. All right, here we go.

Ready, lie. Ready, watch my hand. Look at my hand. What do you see? I'm grabbing a magic fairy out of the sky. Oh, I've got this magic fairy. And it's gone. Where is the magic? I can see it now.

Okay, so that's the magic trick in action. I'm plucking lights out of the fingertips of you. Are you showing me the back? Does it have the price on the back? No, no, no, it doesn't. I mean, it did, but that's not the right price. That's not the price I bought it for. It isn't. It just isn't. Okay. Because that's what I took to the counter counter but that's not what she charged me.

So what this actually comprises of to let you know the magic is a oh my thumb's too big to get in there. Yeah but that's the point. The thing about

magic trick thumbs is it's a hollow plastic thumb right but it's not meant to cover your whole thumb. It just won't work. The point is is that you put it

on the tip of your thumb like I did. Yeah. But you hold your hand like this so it's not like that where you can see the extension. So you're foreshortening. You can't is that you put it on the tip of your thumb, like I did. But you hold your hand like this, so it's not like that. So you're foreshortening. You can't see, you can only see the tip. If you show the audience the palm of your hand reaching forward with your fingers, you can't notice the thumb as much because

of it. Whereas if you reach out, it looks obviously fake. So when you watch magicians who use fake thumbs in their tricks, you'll see they always hold their hand flat on, as it were, fingers towards the camera. Like that. They'll always have it the camera yeah like that they'll always like have it down here or like that so you don't see the trick in action but how do you depress the light i mean my phone won't even go in far enough to well you've got to make it work for

each particular thumb all right oh there you see yeah so by grabbing it you're making the light happen you know yes and there are two thumbs in there and you can pretend you're an evil dark wizard 99p 95p you need to pick one right now 95p you're gonna go with 95p that's my final guess are you magic lights okay you said 95p the magic lights from anywhere trick cost me 99p. Oh! Boom! One, two, three, four.

It's sexing me up. What's the... What's the... 21. Oh, yes. Can I just say, yes. Yeah? Should I leave the room while you just rub your little belly trumpet and make sticky white coconut juice Oh yes Can I just say Yes Yeah I Shall I leave the room While you just rub

Your little belly trumpet And make sticky White coconut juice Happen all on your Hairy tum tum Love it Yeah Love it

So I won I didn't fall off The stair of death Did I No you didn't Congratulations Thank you

Your soul has been saved From internal damnation Interesting items there Paul I would say... I don't know. I like the... What's your favourite one? I think it has to be the first item, the cheapest item,

which is the cobra, the pink cobra. You like my big snake? Yeah, the pink cobra snake. Yeah, you like my big pink snake. I want to lick your big pink snake. Did it spew venom? Yeah, well, there you go. I like the little

light ghost light ghost light you're going to hang on to that I am I'm going to hang on to that okay what we're going to

do for Patreon people from this point on by the way is anything we use in price of shite or whatever we're going to give away in the little boxes to people

who donate the amount that get those boxes oh that's a good idea so these won't go to waste so you might get these if you get donate on Patreon to

Cheap Show you could maybe you might be able to caress Paul's big pink cobra, fitting cobra snake. At the comfort of your own home. Yes. Yes. Or you might get the thumbs or you might get the gold treasure chest from last

week. We might throw a vinyl in. You know, a random vinyl. We'll see. A random vinyl. Yeah, like one of the ones you get from the charity shop we know we're not going to keep. Like, Tribertoffs, Weatherman, that kind of thing. Congratulations anyway. Thank you very much. Random vinyl. Yeah, like one of the ones you get from the charity shop we know we're not going to keep, like Tribertoff's, Weatherman, that kind of thing. You know. Congratulations anyway. Thank you very much.

Well now, boys and girls, for our spooky Halloween show, woo. Woo-hoo-hoo. Woo-hoo. Woo. Woo. The monsters are coming for you tonight,

if you listen to this on Halloween, otherwise they're usually engaged throughout the year. What do they do? Hang about, sign on. They only work one day a year? Like Santa. If he can get away with it, why can't Ghosts and Ghouls? But Santa has a lot of prep work. Yeah, but he farms that out to temps.

His little dwarves. They're on zero contract. Right. And then they build toys, do they? Yeah. They build all the world's toys, do they? Well, these days they book. They just go on Amazon Prime and they book the toys and they just get... Santa just picks them up at the depot. And that's that.

He has a PO box. Not as glamorous as it used to be. No. No. He has drones instead of reindeer. And then does he do... Is he also the Burger King? That's always what has fascinated me.

Is Santa the Burger King? Yeah, I think he is. Like, young Santa is Burger King. Yeah. It's an interesting question. And Captain Birdseye could be the same person as well. We just don't know. It's one of those conspiracies that people don't fucking, you know,

they talk about. The one that you're making up right now. Well, I think it's credible. Really? At the captain's table. Yeah. Think of that. Anyway, we're playing Trick or Treat.

Woo! And here's how it's going to go. Okay. We're going to go Trick or Treat each. Yes. But we're not going to be cruel to each other. A trick in this instance means it's a song from Silverman's Platter. That is our trick today.

So I have some songs with a Halloween-y theme. Yeah. Halloween-y theme. Yeah. And so we're incorporating Silverman's Platters into this new and never-to-be-repeated section, Trick or Treat, which also has the Cheap Eats bit in it. Yes. So that's what essentially is happening. I was going to get to that, thank you.

It's the Treat section of the Halloween candies. The Cheap Eats. The Cheap Eats. If you will. The Halloween candies. Two sections, Cheap Eats, Silverman's Platters, splurged into one, and it's called Trick or Treat. And let's start it off, Paul. What's our first treat?

So let's just toss to begin. Okay. I have a coin. I have a coin. Grow up! I have a coin. If it lands on heads, it's trick. If it lands on the back, it's treat.

Let's see where we begin. Heads. So we begin with a trick. What's the first one on the silverman's platter today talk to me well this is an interesting record i picked up recently vista breakthrough by constantin rordiv an amazing experiment in electronic communication with the dead paul with the dead interesting this was a seven inch single but it plays at 35 rpm what does that mean does seven inch not usually run at that?

7-inch traditionally is on the higher speed of 45 RPM. Okay. Does that mean there's more on this than you'd regularly get on? Yes. It's slower, so they can fit more on. Okay. You do get a lot of 7-inch singles that play at 33 and a third RPM. Are they usually EPs or something as well?

Now, EPs, funnily enough, run at 45 RPM. Oh, I did not know that. But you do get, not very often, but you do get 33 and a third RPM sevens. And you also get maxi singles, which are 12-inch singles, that run at 33 and a third. And they are some of the best quality vinyl ever. It's very loud. Nice clear definition. Yes, and a resonant bass tone.

Excellent. So this one's at 33 and a third, and it comes with a magazine originally, which I don't have. Oh, but we don't have now. That's a shame. Called Breakthrough, I believe, and it must be some kind of paranormal 14 times style magazine. So what's on the disc then? the disc is dr rawdeev's

commentary translated and spoken by nadia fowler the examples and explanations are given in the commentary on the enclosed record for convenience the actual communications are given below on side one you have bendecke ich bin is a german ghost zenta kostja jar rawdeev Zenta Kostja Rodiv Kostja Tichna Majakowski you were just saying this is what it says this is what it says Konstantin

Pluj Ortega Entrojas Muchas Quens that's gone Spanish now it has

there's international speaking ghosts yes which implies to me they did EVP heard what they thought was a voice didn't hear the English in it and just presumed as a result it was in foreign.

So you've got a picture of the doctor, Rodee, from the back and he's listening and someone's adjusting the equipment there and he's going, ooh, ooh, I can hear the dead. So let's listen to a little bit of it right now. The text spoken by the voices and the sound volume are exactly the same as in the original recording. bit of it right now. is repeated several times. The voices here selected are grouped according to the person's address and their respective answers, followed by a translation and explanation. There are examples chosen to give the reader a breakthrough, an acoustic illustration of the material presented in the book.

illustration of the material presented in the book. The listener is asked to read any text spoken in languages he does not know with particular attention so that he may be able to grasp each separate word phonetically. Please note the commentary that goes with each voice text as the meaning of some utterances can only be understood in context with the situation that gave rise to them. Margarete Petrowski, who had told the experimenter during her lifetime that she did not believe in an existence after death. After her passing, the experimenter asked her how she felt in the beyond, and a voice, identified as coming from margarete answered

german imagine i am Again we hear Margareta Petrowski's voice, this time calling her former employer, Dr Zenta Maurina. Zenta! It's interesting, actually. So that's an early example Of what would be now Described as EVP I mean it's still EVP

But back then It was all analogue So it was on You know tapes It's interesting I've never heard that stuff before If you go online And you go to YouTube

And you look up like Best EVPs You tend to get familiar ones That pop up every now and then Right By and large I don't buy it Because there's a thing

Like you know there's a thing when you look at the cloud and you think it looks like a face. What's it called? Paradoilia. Yeah. It's like audio paradoilia. Well, I don't think it's even called aurea. I think paradoilia

describes that kind of recognising forms that aren't there in any sense. So it includes the aural. sense. So it includes the arrow. And it includes the visual. And I can't think of an example for smell. I can. But feel the smell.

Over time, you tend to find that what happens is you hear something nonsense. And you translate it in your head. And you make it fit what you hear. So it would be like. You think, did you hear that So it would be like... Banana. You think, did you hear that? Listen to it back. Banana.

Yeah. Banana. Now if I say... He's saying, I want a banana. No, he's saying... Oh, that's what I heard. I'm sat down beside you. So he goes... I'm sat down beside you.

Is this Jimmy Savile? No, it's not Jimmy Savile. No. It's like that one, isn't it? Yeah. I love that one. We can't keep doing Jimmy gags. Right.

We just can't. Anyway. So, yes. So it is definitely pareidolia, or whatever you call it. But I love it. Because it's still spooky. Kind of. But you just, you know.

It's hard in that because it's out of context. It's like, oh, can't you hear it? It's all scrambled. The sounds are out of context. It's like, oh, can't you hear it? It's all scrambled. The sounds are out of context. If a ghost was real. Let me finish. The sounds are out of context. They just play the clip of the voices themselves,

but you don't hear the lead up to it. You don't hear the silence before and after. And that's important sometimes to get an overall sense of what you're hearing in the environment. If you're just hearing the... Then it's nonsense until someone transcribes it for you. I just think... Yeah.

If a ghost was actually there and didn't want to actually say, hello, I'm dead, this is weird, it's the other side, they'd actually be more clear. They wouldn't just go, I eat bananas, or whatever. Or say something that you have to translate. I'm going to eat bananas. I like to eat bananas.

I do have... Do you know what I mean? They just come out and say it. I'm a fucking ghost. I'm here. I'm going to do you. I'm going to do her. I'm going to, you know. What, he's a gangster?

I would like... I do you. I do you. Well, probably are a lot of gangster ghosts because they get killed in horrible ways, don't they? Yeah, they do. And that is what causes haunting in a lot of people's traditions, isn't it?

Well, they believe so. They reckon ghosts, or people who come back as ghosts, have come back for various different reasons. Sometimes, let's say, it's a recording in the environment playing back on an infinite loop and you're just seeing, like,

a memory being envisioned. A memory of what? Like someone walking from one room to another. Is that the rock tape? The stone tape theory is based on a play by Nigel Neill, right? That was somehow adopted by real ghost hunters as a proper thing that never really existed. So it started as a fiction and then became something they just claimed was real.

The theory is there's silica in bricks and mortar built in the old houses, right? And that's the same kind of stuff you get in cassette tapes. You know the old cassette tapes? So the theory is that the silica in the walls records the sounds and screams or whatever of ghosts and voices from past. And if you stimulate that rock in a certain vibration... Oh, yeah, how do I do that? Wank on it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

I hate you! Do I rub my gubbins on it? I can hear ghosts! I rub my dick on the wall and I can hear ghosts. Oh, ectoplasm all over the wall. Ecto. Yeah, happy now we went there. Ectospanky.

Shut up. So, anyway, yeah, they think that's what it is. Right. Yeah. But anyway. I listened to a podcast about the Croydon, what was it, Enfield Poltergeist. Enfield Poltergeist, yeah. And the recordings had that much more sort of striking.

In that instance, they had a voice come out of the girl itself. Yeah, it came out of the girl itself, didn't it? And they did test it. And he goes, hello, fuck off, doesn't he like fuck off i like that ghost he's like fuck you i think he's called fred or something he's like i'm fred he's got a real personality this german ghost lady she's like a dirty bugger yeah he says you dirty bugger you dirty bitch and it's clear and none of that on this this record is like is like that but they seem very serious about it well they're taking it very seriously it's a it's a real And none of that on this record is like that. But they seem very serious about it. Well, they're taking it very seriously.

They're taking it seriously. It's a real science. What I'm going to do right now, though, I'm going to play two EVP clips I've actually got from when I went ghost hunting years ago. I have two pieces of audio. So I'll just play them now. This first clip is me doing Psychic Science in Venice.

And there's a seance going on. And during the seance, this little girl came through to the people. This is, see, this is even more impressive, because it goes, you're my baby! I'm going to explain it, let me fucking explain it, the way I do in my solo show that was unsuccessful. Let's not revisit that. Let's not do that. So, we're doing the seance

and this little girl, apparently, and then suddenly when I'm, like, listening in from the side of the stage I heard this little girl's voice go la la la I ignored it it thinking it was just whatever and then the audience heard it and I said to the audience they won't hear that sound yeah yeah yeah where do you think it comes from and they all pointed to me where I was standing on the stage I had a recorder next to me I didn't really tend to record the shows managed to do it this time recorded it here's the clip of me right now hearing that voice and then I'll loop it a little bit so you can just hear the voice itself

or the sing-song thing. Did you do it? No. Was that not someone in the audience? Did you do it? Did you do it? Did you do it? Did you do it?

That's that one. Good, very good. And the second one is, I went to, I think it was called Fort Widley. It was, was it? That's that one. Good, very good. And the second one is I went to, I think it was called Fort Widley. It was, was it? Yeah. Fort Widley, on the coast, obviously. I was in the armoury section, and about midnight, we all heard what sounded like cannons going off.

You hear this, ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom. Is it underground, Fort Widley? Yeah, it's underground as well. See, that's, you know. But here's the thing. No fireworks that night. It's just a regular Saturday night in fucking whatever it was. It's obviously stuff in the ground, isn't it? We don't know. No one upstairs heard it.

No one two corridors over heard it. But wouldn't it? It was underground, wasn't it? But we heard it like it was in the next room. Yeah, because it's some kind of fucking null. Turns out that room we were in used to be where the cannons were firing out into the sea during the wars. So here's the audio now. Don't look disappointed.

This is spooky shit. All right. Here's the audio of me with the people I'm ghost hunting with on the ground. I've raised the levels of the boom-ba-boom so you can hear it. We're not saying it's ghosts. We're not saying it's not someone slamming a door nearby. But it sounds like cannons going off. You can listen to it now.

Sibbing is not available. Oh, come on. It's great. What is that? Câd, sori! Beth yw hynny? Mae'n ymddangos fel canon. Pwy... pa... ydyn nhw'n canon? Mae'n ymddangos fel cad. Ydych chi'n gweld beth yw hynny?

Beth yw'r bain yma? Gwylio. Mae'n canon. I can see what that is. What is that banging, seriously? It's a cannon. It sounds like a cannon. Do they fire cannons in Portsmouth? Not at night, that loud. No. What time is it? It's not even midnight.

Oooh, Halloween! How could... If the ghost is a spirit of a dead person, for midnight ooh Halloween how could if the ghost is a spirit of a dead person how would it produce it it's like the

stone tape theory maybe the cannons were caught in the fabric of the wall itself and because of the atmosphere in the room that night the oscillations

of the whatever micro atoms micro atoms micro atoms if I wrote the right thing and we got those sounds I don't

know but it's a little bit spooky a little bit spooky. A little bit spooky. Right, so now it's time for treat and I've got some trick or treat treats for you. Okay, I'm looking forward to this. Let's go, where shall we start? Let's just reach in. Ow!

What have you got there? I have a bag of super scary fizzy spiders. Okay, they're fizzy spiders from M&S. I was given them, they were free, therefore eligible for the show. Yeah, a bit expensive for us here, aren't they? So, I'm going to open these and taste them. I expect these to be quite nice. They're probably quite nice.

Try them. They look like spiders. Can I just say, how is that a spider? Say again? How is that a spider? Well, it's got the lumpy body and the legs. And no legs. No legs. No it's the legs at the side. See? It looks like wings. It looks like a butterfly. It looks like a butterfly. Or bumblebee. It looks like a jelly baby angel.

Oh it's a jelly, that's actually quite sadder. Cola flavoured. Not that super fizzy. Black Currant and Cola flavour. I can see you're the fighters. Interesting flavour combo. I don't know if it quite works. I quite like those. Quite a dense jelly. Very thick jelly. Very thick and hard jelly.

Almost like an American hard gum. Yeah, I like those. Yeah, they're alright. I like those. Nice, I'll give them a... You get a nice fresh bite of the raspberry and then you get the cola flavour

aftertaste very good ok so out of five I'll give it four I'll give it four too it's my kind of sweet that nice they're mine

yeah it's in my kind of but you're not having any more can I have one more please yeah not now we're talking alright next trick what track have you got

as a trick track? The trick track coming up next, Paul. Yes. There's a theme on these other two. Yeah. They're both produced by Joe Meek. Interesting. Who's Joe Meek?

He was a sort of outsider producer from the 50s and 60s. What made him an outsider? He had his own weird home studio. Okay. Based in Holloway Road and he made his own funny sound effects and tape loop stuff and he was like a Svengali.

He would sign loads of different bands to come and play and do tracks for him but they all have the Joe Meek sound. Which is? What would you say? It is a weird sort of twangy Is it like his own wall of sound kind of thing? Yeah. I think he was very influenced by Spectre and tried to sort of create hisy is it like his own wall of sound kind of thing yeah I think he was very influenced by Spectre

and tried to sort of create his own shot a woman in the head well it's funny you should say that because that is how Joe Meek

came a cropper by being shot by his landlady really there's a play about it and also a film he had a very tragic he was a very

gay gentleman and obviously back in the 60s that wasn't cool with the establishment and stuff. Very much against the people's... So he had some problems, man. Yeah. But he used to just get blonde guys like Heinz.

He liked to have blonde, good looking blonde guys front in the bands. Don't we all? Yeah, well, he did try it on with them. Oh. But he has a distinct sound, which I find very enjoyable. So what are we going to listen to here, then? This is from an EP I picked up called Vampires, Cowboys, Spacemen and Spooks, the very best of Joe Meek's instrumentals.

Now, this is an EP, as we were discussing before. And that runs on 33 and a third, does it? No, 45. See? As I said, yeah. But it has got two tracks on both sides. Okay. That's why it's tracks on both sides. Okay. That's why it's an extended play single.

So which one are we going to choose from? Because what are the four tracks called? You've got on side one, The Moon Trekker's Night of the Vampire. That covers your vampires. Then you've got The Outlaw's Ambush. That's the western. The western.

We don't care about that. As we've said before, in this country, we do Halloween properly. Yeah. It's got to be macabre. It's got to be macabre. It's got to be... None of this Wild West bullshit.

Well, sort of, I'm a fireman. What the fuck is that? Who gives a fuck? What the fuck? How is that Halloween-y? Ooh, I've dressed up like a policeman. Do it properly, or not at all. Ooh, I've dressed up as a cowboy.

What the fuck's that got to do with anything? Nothing. They're just like fancy dress. Then on side two, the tornadoornado's Life on Venus, I actually have a copy of that on the original seven. That's a bit more

kind of 60s space journey to Mars kind of thing. And he did Telstar was his biggest hit. Should have mentioned that

before. Yeah. And it has a similar feel to Telstar. Twangly guitar-y thing. But with space

organ. We all like a little bit of space organ, don't we? I wish people would make space for my organ

in their lives. There's not much space no really please someone please park your organ reach out i'll clean the room you're gonna have to do more than that i'll deep clean it i would just go and use robin's room don't look don't pull back the curtain don't i'm just saying never bring and then the last the last track the Spooks The Spook Walks again which is a sort of like almost like Link Wray it's a bit like

The Shadows I thought yeah it's like The Shadows I think that's what it's sort of going for and we're going to listen to a bit of the most

very Halloweeny one which has a great little sound effect at the beginning of someone coming out of his crypt Dracula or whatever doesn't it

yeah howls and screams I don't know it's really textured and kind of has a real vibe to it. It builds an atmosphere. It really does. Let's listen to it now. Thank you. That was the Moon Trekkers' Night of the Vampire. And I like it.

It's a lot of fun. It's a nice Halloween track, I think, as well. It gave me the heebie-jeebies and the willy-wobblies. You know... What? There used to be a whole tradition of scary novelty, sort of. And there was all the rock and roll, sort of, the Monster Mash being... Obviously the Monster Mash.

...being the most important one. Now, where are we? Now we're on the... What the fuck? Go on. I'm doing a segue. Now that we're on the subject of the Monster Mash by Bobby Pickett, you and me both read an article the other day,

which was like one of those stupid clickbait articles saying, Oh, have you ever realised The Monster Mash by Bobby Pickett is not even a song, The Monster Mash. It's about someone describing the song, The Monster Mash, which you never actually hear. And it's wrong. It's just flat out wrong. It's wrong. Because the song

The Monster Mash by Bobby Pickett is about a dance. Called The Mash. The Monster Mash. It was a graveyard smash. Yes, which was a graveyard smash Called the mash. The monster mash. It was a graveyard smash. Yes, which was a graveyard smash. So he did the mash. Yeah. And it was gone in a flash. Yeah.

He took on in a flash, I think. Oh, he took on in a flash. Anyway, so there's no sort of, like, it's not like tribute. Because I was working in the lab late last night, right? When my eyes beheld an eerie sight. I don't know the rest of it. Yeah, that's what we've got. I was working in the lab late last night, right? When my eyes beheld an eerie sight. I don't know the rest of it. Yeah, that's what you've got. So, I was working in the lab.

Because the original is Bobby V. Sorry, was it Bobby V? Pick it. Bobby Pickett. But the one that everyone knows is the Boris Karloff remake. Was there a Boris Karloff remake? I'm pretty sure there was a Bob Karloff. Who was the other horror character who played Frankenstein?

Was that Boris Karloff? Bela Lugosi? Or it might have been Bela Lug played Frankenstein was that Boris Karloff? Bela Lugosi? Or it might have been Bela Lugosi No They just does an impression of Bela Lugosi on the tune

There's only one tune I'm sure he did a cover though No That's just not true Alright Get your facts straight and also

hipster twat writing a thing Oh isn't it funny that it's a song but it isn't actually the song isn't actually in the song it's about a song

which no one actually hears Wrong I'm a beardy twat You are a beardy coffee sipping song but it isn't actually the song isn't actually in the song it's about a song which no one actually hears wrong well you I'm a bearded twat you are a bearded coffee sipping Nando's saying

it's cheeky cunt it's not a cheeky Nando's it's just a fucking cheap meal yeah own it right excellent okay wonderful

what would you rate that out of five platters I'd give it a good five platters I like I it a good five platters I like it I'd give it four because I don't like

the cowboy one and I'm in there for this inability right next on the treat oh if it's anything like the super well the spiders

in terms of the modelling on the spiders very poor they've actually I think they've just censored themselves and gone we don't actually want them

to look too much like spiders no it might freak the kids out it might scare the kiddy wings you know what I mean

it's health and safety gone absolutely wazango. All bonkers. So the next thing... No, you can't say bonkers anymore, Paul. Nuttas? Health and safety.

You can't say nuttas. What have you got? Melonheads. This is from M&S as well. This is... Oh, yeah, it is. Popping candy spiders. Oh.

Solid milk chocolate discs that go pop in your mouth. So how are they a spider? I go pop in your mouth. Would you? I'll go pop in your mouth. I'll pop in your mouth So how are they a spider? I go pop in your mouth Would you? I'll pop in your mouth They're in a little bag Like chocolate coins come in

And satsumas come in Right, so But this is a black netting Are you going to try one of the orange ones? I'm going to try it, they're all the same flavour you reckon Yeah, I pretty much thought they were all the same flavour They're just little chocolate discs I'm trying a silver one. They're all the same flavour, you reckon? Yeah, I pretty much thought they were all the same flavour. They're just little chocolate discs. I'm trying a silver one.

It doesn't even... Yeah, it has a spider on it. Yeah. Okay. And mine doesn't have a fucking spider on it. It's just a chocolate coin. You know what this is? Chocolate left over from Christmas

and they just put different fucking tinfoil on it. It's so bloody easy, isn't it? With a spider on. Right, let's have it. Let's see if that's the M&S quality. Let's have a go. It's got some poppy candy in. Not much. It's reasonably nice chocolate, isn't it, actually?

It's not bittersweet like some knock-off chocolate is. It's actually quite milky and creamy. It's quite nice. Quite smooth. Quite high-quality chocolate, I'd say. Well, there's a little bit of popping going on, but not much. There's some popping going on, yeah. Fine.

Two. Two. Two out of five. Disappointing. it's time for the last of the trick tracks then please bring out your trick track

okay so we're sticking with Joe Meek here good because for the trick track I have yes another seven inch single till the following night

and the singer is Johnny Quantrell interesting I know nothing of either of these people now this is undoubtedly a Meek production it doesn't actually say so on the record and this is on a reissue why do you think that's true though can't just throw accusations about i think when i'm oh i think for sure it is because um it's a song by screaming lord such right the uh

till the following night and it has Lord Such As a songwriter Now Screaming Lord Such Hold the microphone to your mouth correctly so we can hear you Now Screaming Lord Such So Screaming Lord Such Also did Which was produced by Joe Meek

That famous song Jack the Ripper Now that is a classic I think we've played that before Maybe in the Uncleagables It is a classic Halloween think we've played that before in the past that is a classic maybe in the Uncleagables but I think we have played it is a classic Halloween song as you know

Jack the Ripper Jack the Ripper Jack the Ripper Jack the Ripper do you think they'll make songs about some of the monsters of today Jimmy Savile

no no I was thinking Jimmy Savile do the Bundy do the Ted Bundy choppy choppy chop eating up your cock making zombies out of people

in his neighbourhood well there is an industry in serial killer stuff, isn't there? There probably is. Unfortunately. It's a sad indictment of the times. It really is. So let's listen to a little bit of this song right now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, yeah When the shades of night are falling

And the moon is lighting high From the center of the graveyard In the middle of the night I get out of my long black coffin Till the following night I got two horns on my head And a twinkle in my eye I got a long blonde hair

Oh yeah, it makes a chick so sigh When they bop me on the head And they wait till the following night Till they're dancing and chatting with me When I cross the floor When they see me move around I'll shout out for more When the skeletons are dancing

Now that is extremely good, isn't it? I like it It might be a new Halloween classic It has a raw rock and roll feel I like it And it is pure Halloween Yeah It's like a list of the universal monsters

The zombies are a prancing They are The skeletons are dancing Graveyards are also mentioned The werewolves are a howling Yeah Or crying Yeah

And he comes out of his long black coffin till the following night so he is he is Drakua in all the ways we want he is a funky Drakua we like it

and he's having a party and the guitar solo is shreddy isn't it yeah so what about what is it about

Lord Such what was his thing was he kind of like the old crazy he was a pop star early yeah you know fire he was a bit like that old crazy He was a pop star early, yeah. Fire.

He was a bit like that but he had a few pop things in the early 60s and then by the 70s he was still a rock singer but he had transformed himself into

the Screaming Loony Party. Oh, it's that dude, yeah. He was the founder of the Screaming Loony Party. The kind of alternative vote. The three vote away vote. The crazy vote

whatever it was, yeah. But he was a singer. Pop singer. And he worked with Joe Meek. And this is a such song, but sung by Johnny Quantrell. And it's very Halloween-y, isn't it? It is indeed. And it's quite hard-rocking. Four and a half for me. I'd give it.

I like it. It's a nice Halloween-y song. I would play it on rotation on a Halloween party night. You know what, Paul? I've DJ'd on Halloween night don't want to get Jack Tales from the dance floor in here you can do a little one

it's Halloween and always I think for it's special for DJ's yeah Halloween because there's so much you think

oh I can get out the scary music the weird ones I'll get out the you know the soundtrack to you know Halloween

or whatever or the fog that's a good one or the fog or some of those and I'll play some of these weird novelty records. It just goes over people's heads.

Wasted. No one says, oh, that was good. That was a Halloweeny set. They just go, it wasn't the mash. It wasn't the mash. I'll play the mash.

No one even likes that anymore. These kids. These kids. Ruining Halloween. Just look, what effort have you fucking made? You've put a fucking bandage on and you've smeared some red paint on the bandage and the rest of your outfit is totally normal you know

just still really hung up about that the other interesting thing before we move yes before we move on you said i sounded and looked like blakey from off the buses yeah was that earlier this episode i don't know or was it last week might. I can't. It all blows into one when we record it in one. This is a reissue label and it's called Blakey. And it is definitely because I spoke to the guy

in the record shop. It's this guy who puts out this British rock and roll stuff he finds on vinyl and it's Blakey. Nice.

He uses Blakey and it's a reference on the bus. So what did you give it out of five? A four. A solid four. A four for me too.

A nice Halloween mix. Let's go to our final treat right now on our Trick or Treat section of the Halloween show. Well, I hope we can finish on a high because the chocolate button things were very underwhelmo. That's Haribo. Oh, no, that's Haribo. Oh, no, here we go. We're going to have to share this. Okay.

It is a foiled solid milk chocolate lollipop it's foiled what it tried something and it got away and it got it didn't get away you're foiled no i agree it got try to describe it again without using it do you want me to hurt you no i don't want you to hurt me i want you to get things right i just want you to don't leaning over me halloween where's the body go i don't know it's only halloween but that that scarecrow is a bit out in the front garden for far too long in the front garden can you imagine there's a scarecrow out here imagine are you suggesting you'll kill me and put my corpse into some kind of scarecrow position and put me in the front yard and everyone won't know because it'll be halloween for a bit they

would know immediately it's like oh there's a halloween scarecrow and then halloween comes and goes and guess what the hell up the scarecrow it's a black cat lolly ladies and gentlemen one day they realize there's a horrible smell coming from the scarecrow and they haven't taken their decorations down but no one has put them up so someone prods it and it falls down as well all your innards slop out all over the floor and everyone goes it's not a scarecrow. It's a real boy. What do I care? By this stage, I've been murdered.

So what do I care? It's a real boy. What happens? It's a real boy. A real boy? Yes. I'm a man. And they'll find you

corpse inside. And I go, dead. Very poor. And no one will know it was me that did it. No one will know. They would know.

Who's going to know? The people who are... Who's going to know. It's not as if I've just confessed it on a podcast. Confessed it on a podcast and also it would raise suspicion if I was. Would it? Yes. No one's going to miss you mate. Now this is not a foiled. It's wrapped in foil. No one's going to miss you. But it's the

lolly. No one's going to miss you. I'm just trying to get. Who's going to miss you? I'm trying to move on now. No one's going to miss you. They will. Where's Eli? He's gone to miss you? I'm trying to move on now. No one's going to miss you. They will. Where's Eli? He's gone. Who gives a fuck, mate? Party time.

Oi, oi, oi. It's a cat. It's a chock lolly. It's a chock lolly cat, as I've said. With a tin foil. And it has... It's the top with the tin foil. It's got tin foil on it.

What do you want? That sounds like a Batman quip. You've been tin foiled. Not a very good Batman episode. No. It's a cat lolly and it's got some felt ears. I'm going to need to take a picture of it before we eat it. We need to destroy it, don't we?

Before we can get into its goody gumdrops. Right. Let's go. Let's go. I'll let you get into it. You can tear the cat face open to reveal the chocolate lolly. Oh, it's got a little bit of felt on it. Yeah, I tried to say that.

I was ignoring you. Ignoring you, mate. So, yeah, you know, that's a thing. Okay. Does it have popping candy in it? No, I don't think it has. I don't think it does. This is going to be a real fucking non-starter.

Is it? Yeah. That's a shame. It's chocolate. Chocolate cat lolly thing. Nothing scary about it at all? there's nothing good about it really just some chocolate just chocolate

fucking two I'll move it to it's shit it's not scary it's a waste of felt whatever I'm a scary ghost

Eli this was a successful section I'm a scary ghost. Eli, this was a successful section. It's alright, because we're going to play out one of my favourite Halloween tunes. Have you ever heard of Spooky Scary Skeleton? No. I'll show you in one sec. Okay, Google. Spooky Scary Skeletons.

Who sings Spooky Scary Skeletons? Well, let's find out. Spooky Scary Skeletons was recorded by Andrew Gold. Andrew Gold, yeah, he had, uh... What? I don't know who Andrew Gold is. His name was a bill. Know Your Meme. Oh, I'm going to find out by a website called knowyourmeme.com.

Spooky Scary Skeletons is the name of a children's Halloween song written and performed by Andrew Gold. Online, the song is primarily associated with the skeleton subculture and is often used as background music in skeleton-themed memes like Too Spooky and Mr. Bone's Wild Ride. Wow, I didn't know there was a skeleton subculture.

I don't even know what a skeleton subculture even is. It's probably like the furries, but they like to dress up like skeletons. My spirit animal is a fleshless skeleton. And then they'll probably have ways of fucking. Andrew Maurice Gold was an American singer-songwriter. Let's knock the bones, they probably say. Let's knock bones.

I like to crack my pelvis open when I'm boning you. He had a US top ten singer with Lonely Boy. Oh, that's where I'm from. Thank you for being a friend. He did the Cheers theme. And Never Let Her Slip Away. I know. I met her on a Sunday on a telephone long distance.

That's not how that goes. Hong Kong ding dong. That's not how that goes. I don't know. I can't remember. No. Never let her slip away. That's how that goes.

Never let her slip away. Yeah. And that Lonely Boys. That one. Oh, what a lonely boy. I like that one. I think that might be the same guy. It is that guy. It must be that. Yeah. He has played and recorded with artists such as Linda Ronstadt, what a lonely boy. I like that one. I think that might be the same guy. It is that guy.

It must be that. Yeah. He has played in a recording with artists such as Linda Ronstadt, Paul McCartney, Don Henley, James Taylor, Brian Wilson, Roy Orbison, Ringo Starr, Carly Simon, John Waite, Roxy Music, Jennifer Warren, Stephen Bishop, America, Nicolette Larson, Marty Amaldar, Neil Diamond, Barbara Benton, Eric Carman, Juice Newton, Leo Sayer, Freddie Mercury, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Carla Bonoff, Bette Midler, Diana Ross, Cher, Jesse McCarthy, J.D. Suther, and Gary Glitter. No! Anyway, I like that song.

It's a nice little song, but I like the remix. I'm going to drop it in a few seconds right now from an online guy on YouTube called The Living Tombstone. He likes doing remixes of Halloween themes or spooky themes or video game themes very good work This is a good one it starts off with Spooky scary skeletons send shivers down your spine Shrieking skulls will shock your soul and seal your doom tonight Spooky scary skeletons speak with such a screech You'll shake and shudder in surprise when you hear these zombies shriek We're so sorry skeletons, you're so misunderstood You only want to socialize, but I don't think we should

A spooky scary skeleton shouts startling shrilly screams They'll sneak under sarcophagus and just won't leave you be Like an upbeat version of Spooky Scary Skeletons, but then it gets dirty and it goes all like ច្រូវបានប់ប្រូវប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ It's Dirty. It gets all dirty. It gets all dirty, yeah. It gets all in the groove. Don't, don't. Paul. I've had it large. I've had it little, little, a large. Loll and holly, Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Don't. Don't. Don't. I'll sum that up. Cannon and ball and little and large. And cannon and ball and little and large. Cannon and ball and little and large. Mock him and wise. Mock him and wise. Little and large and cannon and ball. You've lost me, Paul. It's my double act, double act, dub space.

Dub space, double act. Yeah. Okay, and so, shall we now move on? I believe we should. I think I've had enough nasty chocolate. Can I just say, out of those three items it is the super scary fuzzy spiders. They were a clear winner for

me. They've got an interesting black current. Have another. Thank you. They don't look like spiders. No, but they taste absolutely lovely. Yes. Om nom nom. Nom nom nom. Okay, next on Cheap Show we're going to be talking about something I'm quite passionate about, and that is ghost hunting.

Which is not real. No, it's not real at all, but I love it. I've wasted my life ghost hunting for four years. It's not the only thing you've wasted your life doing. Thank you. Thank you very much. I played Mario Kart on the Switch the other day. Did you? Yeah.

Did you enjoy it? Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Yeah. Anyway, back to ghostbusting. So, yes, I have been for four years a ghost hunter. I went around the world. Well, okay, the UK doing ghost hunts. And I learned a lot of valuable lessons.

Like? Ghosts aren't real. That's a big one. You didn't need to go ghost hunting to find that out, Paul. Sometimes you have to do the research. You've got to put the time in. But I often think to myself, what would it be like, Eli, if you and I were ghostbusters

living a life hunting ghosts professionally? It's almost as if you had some script that's been in a drawer for four years and we've under-rehearsed it and stuck it on the end of this podcast. You know what? It's almost as if all the things you've just said are actually true. So let's do a wibbly wobbly thing and imagine what it'd be like if me and you were part of what I like to call a spirit squad. Woo!

Don't do woos. Okay, just a few more questions and then we're done. No problem. So, have you had any personal encounters with the supernatural yourself that you've had to deal with yourself? Well, basically, yeah. A few weeks ago, my dad died.

Horrible death, too. He'd just gotten into cycling and I watched him take a ride from my house on a Sunday. Dozy bastard wasn't looking where he was going and the number 46 came round the corner and he just went straight under it. I saw it coming and I raced after him. But I was too late.

All I saw was his head slide under the back wheel of the bus. I heard his skull crunch and pop as the wheels went over him. It was too much for me to bear so I kind of lost it. I stopped caring. I was close to getting fired from my job anyway. My girlfriend was threatening to leave me and I was all getting too much. She came over one night to try and snap me out of it and halfway through another argument there was a loud knocking on my front door. She went down to answer it and tell whoever it was to get lost and the next thing I heard was

her screaming. I ran down the stairs to see my dad's zombified body tearing her arms off. His head was a mess, his bottom jaw flapping. He was desperately trying to eat what was left of her but as he had no head it wasn't going to happen. I just remember grabbing a nearby chair and smashing away at what was left of his brain matter until he stopped moving. And then I saw my girlfriend start to twitch, and I just decided then and there to nip it all in the bud, and I began to cave her head in with the lampstand. I cried for hours that night.

I never thought I'd have to kill anyone, let alone twice, let alone my dad and my girlfriend in the same night. It changed me, you know? Yeah, the question just needs a yes or no reply. Well, just put yes then. Spirit Squad. A supernatural comedy written by Paul Gannon with very minor assistance from Eli J. Silverman.

Okay, so far it's all looking good. I mean, to be honest, you have a better CV than me. So, why have you decided to get into the paranormal extermination game? You seem a little more than overqualified. Well, it's just getting more commonplace these days, isn't it? Every other day the paper has some new story of a violent haunting or a zombie attack or some other random ghost story. Yesterday my neighbour was molested by a fur coat. She phoned the police to report it. I mean, what's all that about? It's making everyone so miserable. So I thought a job like this could make a difference. But why not go back to your old job? Well, it's a little hard when you walked into work the day before, crying, covered in the blood of two people you love, screaming, I killed them both. It certainly doesn't get you promoted. So how long have you been out of work then? What day is it today? Monday. Then it's been

seven months and one day. And what have you been doing since then? Do you want the answer where I tell you I've just been taking it easy having some me time and planning my next career move or do you want the honest answer where you suddenly feel very sad for me and ever so slightly disgusted okay well whatever you think won't blow this job interview i've been taking it easy having some me time and uh planning my next career move yeah but why the ghost extermination business exactly you could probably make a difference elsewhere i mean it's not a glamorous job like like at all it doesn't pay well. It's messy, dirty work. Sometimes it gets in the way of your own social life. If you've ever had a social life, I mean,

I haven't. I mean, my wife thinks this is all a joke, that I'm basically a janitor exploiting the recently bereaved, coming home covered in goo, guts, gore. Why don't you go back into IT? You were good at that. Stop wasting your time and your money on gadgets and booby traps and think about paying the mortgage, she says. I mean, I try and tell her that this is my dream, that I can finally combine my spiritualism interests with my technical skills and build some truly original top-of-the-line ghost hunting and elimination equipment. I mean, I'm not all that great at the actual extermination part of the job, if I'm being honest. I mean, I threw up four times trying to force a goblin into a shredder.

And ghosts, in general, well, they give me the willies. And that's why I need to grow the business. I need to get more people in who can handle the graft, and I can continue building all the equipment. I've got a gift for it. I mean, the wife says I have a gift for talking bollocks, but then, of course, we have another blowout, and then she starts crying, and then I start crying. I'm sorry to interrupt, but do you still want

me to take this job, or is this just your way of putting me off it? Do you need a counsellor to talk to? Do you? Sounds like we both do. So what now? Well, you're the best man for the job on paper. Frankly, I've not had much interest in the job. There was only you, an angry 60-year-old woman who looked literally like Lisa Simpson, and a blind guy who said he could smell ghosts, and if I didn't hire him, it was discrimination and exploitation of his disability. Well, what did you say to him?

That he was in the wrong place, and this was actually the post office depot. Classy. Look, honestly, you're the best person I've seen for this job. I mean, I'm happy to give you the role if you want it, I just really could do with the help. I'd be more than happy to come on board. Excellent. Okay, brilliant. So, going back to my original question, what now? Ah, follow me. So here it is. Here's where I make all the tools and traps we need to capture all manner of supernatural entities. Wow, you went full 60s Batcave on this. Oh yeah, some guys have a large

flat screen TV, surround sound systems, comfy couches in their man caves. And you apparently like to dress it like the Riddler's Lair. What's this? Ah, now this is basically a liquidised curse designed to make poltergeists impotent. Doesn't kill them? What part of them already being dead

makes you think you can kill them? You can't kill ghosts. That's like saying you can burn fire. No, what this does is basically make it so poltergeists can't kill ghosts. That's like saying you can burn fire. No, what this does is basically make it so poltergeist can't get enough spectral energy up to do any of the moving around and such and such, you know? Well, how does it work? Well, I mean, basically, I boil up a few ingredients, make them into a liquid curse, and then inject it into this casing. You leave a couple of these lying around your house, and if a snoopy poltergeist pokes his nose too closely, it squirts the curse

directly into the atmosphere. So one quick spray and that ghoul becomes quickly about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Well I mean you could eat a chocolate teapot that's a use. Also uh wouldn't be too bad holding cold tea as long as you cooled it down in the fridge before and maybe handled it with a paper towel. Okay fair fair enough. Point made. So what, it squirts them and then they spend the rest of existence unable to do anything? I mean, isn't that cruel? Cruel? I'm sorry, I once saw a poltergeist flay the skin off an eight-year-old boy and

make it do the dance from Thriller. That bastard deserved to spend the rest of forever as a feckless mess of ectoplasm. I stand corrected. What's this little box for? This little box is full of lozenges. Ah, sorry. Okay. For, like, sore throats and stuff? Oh, no.

For possession. I mean, usually you'll find a demon pretending to be the devil. It jumps inside some frail-minded individual and causes all kinds of unpleasant nastiness. It's all rather violent, but it's also all for show, so once inside they are effectively ventriloquists with bad language. I thought they got the church in for stuff like that. No, not anymore. Bloody priests did more harm than good. If you want a surefire way to piss off the Hellspawn demon, it's by simply asking it to be nice and beware the second coming of a long-haired hippie. No, what usually

happens is that the priest or rabbi or whatever end up involuntarily killing the host because they've tied them to the bed too tightly and the demon gets all bored and then sods off and it's a right bloody mess. So what do the lozenges do? Well like all lozenges, you suck them and hope it shifts the infection. I mean, these little board sweets can usually get you coughing up the demon in a few short hours. I mean, the demons hate it. It's my own special mix of ingredients and they leave with a massive headache.

The only drawback to them is that you shouldn't really take too many in one day. Because you can overdose? Yeah. I mean, they're packed with cocaine. Wow. Dem demons hate cocaine. Yeah, and the music of Barbara Streisand, but you can't boil that down into a boiled sweet. Am I the first person you've ever brought in here? Ever? Oh God, yes.

You are in full-on queue mode, and this is... Well, that's a gun. Why? Well, because you can't stop a werewolf with a boiled sweet. Fair enough. Look, you'll figure out how the rest of this stuff works in time, and when you need them, but... there is one more thing I need to ask of you

before I can offer you a contract. Go on. I just thought it would be best to put you through some kind of, like, aptitude test. You know, to make sure you're really cut out for the job. Which makes sense. Because you may be all talk now, to make sure you're really cut out for the job. Which makes sense. Because you may be all talk now, but the minute you're faced with something truly terrifying, you could just bottle it and do your best Roadrunner impression. And that does not look good for the company.

Obviously. So all I need you to do is just go next door and take care of a little goblin I've prepared for you. And what? Trap it? Dispose of it? Offer it a cough drop? No, I just need you to take this charmed blade and stick it in the mouth of the ghoul next door. I thought you couldn't kill something that's already dead? Well, you're not killing it. You're merely forcing the blade into its mouth to bind the creature to the weapon itself. The blade will heat up as it absorbs the fiend and it it might get hot but it's not dangerous.

So you want me to go next door, stab a goblin in the mouth and bring you back the hot blade? In a nutshell, yes. The job's as good as done. I'll be back in a bit. You didn't have to slam it Dan hello did you actually forget to put a ghost in the room and what's this but please open the box on the table Dan kiss, kiss, kiss. Sorry about the kiss, kiss. Force of habit. Happy, smiley face, Dan.

No worries. I take it you mean this box on the worktop. I'm on it. Jesus, you put the lid on tight, didn't you? I can't get this... Oh! Oh, God! Please help me! Well, you're not a goblin. I can't take this suffering anymore!

Excuse me? You're here to stick that knife in me, aren't you? Please don't! Please, please don't. I'm sorry, you can't take what anymore? Being stabbed. It hurts so much. I was under the impression I was the first person to undertake this task. Oh, God, no. I've been impaled about 50 times. Each time is so excruciatingly painful. I can't do it. Please don't do it. Oh God, please don't.

You know, I thought goblins would look uglier, meaner. At least have an eye missing or something. But I'm not a goblin. Well, I can see that. Look, can we come up with some kind of arrangement? Maybe say you did it and let me out the window, or something, when the bad man isn't looking. Look, I'm going to be blunt with you. I am totally going to stab you in the gob.

I really want this job and if all I have to do is violently attack a small child, like vulnerable looking creature, then frankly I'm going to go right ahead and get this over with. Look, don't do that. It's going to make it a little harder, but I'm still going to go through with this. I'm going to feel nothing. It's the means to an end. Well, this sucks. Here we go. Oh, hello? You know what?

I knew this was going to be one of those, oh, I'm innocent, mister, please don't kill me, ruses. In all honesty, you had me going there for a moment. But just so you know, I was always going to ram this blade in you. Sometimes you just have to get the job done. Yes, get the job done. Like when you caved in your daddy's head. Okay, shut up now. Like when you picked up that heavy brass lamp stand and broke open the top of Amanda's skull. Was that a means to an end? Don't you talk about her! Don't you dare! You know she wasn't completely turned

before you smashed her brains into the carpet, did you? Stop it! Oh, she knew exactly what was coming when she saw you pick up that lamp stand. Please stop! She still hoped you would let her die first before you ended her misery. She still loved you. Stop! Did you feel nothing when you ended her life just that little bit too early? Did you? Well, you are definitely gonna feel this!

I wonder how he's getting on? how he's getting on. Aargh! Fuck! Come back! No! Warning you! Argh! Fucker! Ha! Ha!

The knife didn't work! What? The knife didn't work. Oh, well it should have done.? The knife didn't work. Oh, well, it should have done. Well, it didn't! What happened? Where's the demon? It's currently in about 20 pieces on the floor in the other room.

You are cleaning that up. I don't understand. You should have just been able to... I know what you think, but apparently charmed blades don't work on demons. Oh, it was a demon. As it turns out, yes. Well then, yeah, then the blade shouldn't have worked on a demon. I don't know what you do with a chopped up demon, but from this point on, it's your problem. I'll probably just chuck the bits into a fire, or something. I mean, fire is the cure-all for monsters. Please tell me I have the job. I'm covered in God knows what sprayed out of its innards.

I've been emotionally tormented and I've got a pretty nasty knife wound in my leg. Alright, okay, just one more question. Go on. How are you on social media? Pretty bloody great, as it happens. Good. Then you're hired. Hello, no one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message after the tone. Right, hello, this is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone. Right, hello, this is Terry from Harlington Road. You came to see me last week to deal with that poltergeist and I'm a bit pissed off because he is still creating a shitstorm in my house. Can you come back and please deal with this properly like you promised to? Thank you. So what's the problem? Alright, well last week this guy called Terry called me

and asked me to get rid of a poltergeist at his place. It was a simple job. Fumigate the property, make the spirit impotent and collect the money. I have no idea why it's still causing a problem. Hmm. Is it likely you just fucked it up? No, I fuck up a lot of things. My tax returns, my weekly food shop, my marriage.

But I don't fuck up my ghost busting, alright? That poltergeist bomb is a proven success. I have no idea what the problem could be. You fucked it. Right, well thanks for that vote of confidence. Oh, right, finally. Thanks for showing up. Come on, this way, through here.

Come on, now! Well, he is a charmer. Pardon? So the poltergeist is back here, you say? Yeah, he never left, mate. He's still in the living room. But that solution should have fixed it. You definitely fucked it.

Come along, he's in here. Hello, foolish mortals. Dare you attempt to leave this room and I shall tear your souls apart. Yes, Gary, we've been through this. I am a poltergeist, An evil, invisible and malicious ghoul. In life, I was known as Gary. I am Gary the Poltergeist. Yes, Gary.

We know. My demonic powers are many. My violence against mortals knows no boundaries. Can we get to the point, mate? Well, after you used your cruel practices on me, I was unable to perform my supernatural duties. Maybe he fucked it. Yeah, he fucked it.

I didn't fuck it. No, he was successful, all right. However, after I was told I had an afterlife disability, I was told by Claims Direct that they could help me receive over £4,000 in compensation. Where do ghosts get compensation from? With this money I discovered I could go about my hauntings

by hiring home help. This is Nigel, my home help. From hell! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hello. I want them both out now!

Without any further ado, let the horrors commence. See me move these books. Ooh, I'm moving these books. Stop that. Are you scared? Now see me somehow ring this bell. This is pathetic, mate. Put the bell down. Fear the evil!

Now watch as I send foul thoughts into your blood and phone appliance. Hello? Suck my soggy cock. Can you please get rid of them? Can't have an impotent ghost in his dodgy home help living in my house like squatters? Throwing my kitchenware around? And I can still be the cause of horrendous physical violence. Nigel, I demand you punch one of them.

Erm, really? I'm paying you to do my deadly doings. But you didn't say I'd have to hit anyone. Do it! I wouldn't if I were you. Punch someone! You have a choice, mate. You can try and punch one of us here, and I'd recommend Paul,

but I'd recommend getting your coat and going home to your loving wife. I live alone. Makes sense. Punch someone or else I will have a proper tantrum. Makes sense Punch someone or else I will have a proper tantrum Nigel, I can tell you now Working for Gary is only going to make your life miserable It's pretty miserable already

More miserable then Or Terry will be forced to call us out once a week Once a day Maybe even on the hour And we'll come over and give you a slap And I'll call the police too that will also help yes so what do you want to do nigel if you leave i will tear your soul apart how exactly aren't you supernaturally impotent well i will okay you've got me. I'm just lonely.

Well, why don't you go back with Nigel? You both seem like annoying losers who could do with each other's company. Do you have Netflix? Yes, but... Well, in that case, it's decided. I shall come home with you, Nigel, and we shall have a night of man company. Binge-watching Red Dwarf and Stranger Things or I will tear your soul apart. Okay, okay. Just come back to my gaff then. Just promise not to be up all night telling me that my soul is going to suffer in torment. Deal?

Deal. Let's ditch this dump. Yeah. Bye guys. Bye lasers. Job done You see, we also have to be counsellors to the afterlife too There are very rewarding benefits When you think about all the I'm sorry, what? What do you call that? We call that another £100 bill

And that's very reasonable That was Spirit Squad Written by Paul Gannon With help from Eli Silverman Very minor help Starring Richard Wentworth as The Poltergeist Paul Rose as Terry And in the role of Nigel is Ash Frith

Thank you very much you chaps For taking part in our silly little comedy spooky play. Happy Halloween! And that was Cheap Show for Halloween. Woo! Please don't unsubscribe. Please don't. We wanted to do something different,

so we thought a scripted comedy thing would be wise. You may have disagreed. Never mind and just before we go Paul I'd just like to say thank you very much for supporting us on Patreon. Every penny counts. If you donate a dollar or a thousand billion dollars it's all

welcome. You can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and look over all the different rewards we have there and see what suits your pay packet i don't know whatever you don't have to donate it's not obligatory but we like it if you do i like it i like it follow us on twitter as well we're quite chatty on twitter if you go to no yeah i know you're not so i don't care um if you go to Twitter I know you're not so I don't care if you go to Twitter and look for us

can I just say something here yeah the cheap show Twitter feed is just Paul yeah well that's why

you have access to it it refers to me as a lazy I can't tweet via it you can I've given you the password and stuff can I yeah

alright I might start fucking having a go then when you call me a tramp or something you're welcome to but you're inherently lazy so I don't believe for a second that's going to happen so with that in mind you sound like a fucking Tory

lazy claiming benefits and I'm an immigrant as well so what come round here I'll fucking rub myself and make you sniff my hand fuck off so we're on twitter you wouldn't like that the handle the handle is at the cheap show pod or individually I am at paul gannon show and eli I'm eli snoid that's e-l-i-s-n-o-i-d

and you can follow us and we'll have a little chinwags there we also have a Facebook page just look for Cheap Show on there and our website where you can see images and videos to accompany all the episodes of our podcast

are on the website thecheapshow.co.uk and that is all the housework done thanks for listening and I am very tired

and I also am tired thank you for supporting Cheap Show we love you and Eli is definitely going to I am very tired. And I also am tired. Thank you for supporting Cheap Show. We love you. And Eli is definitely going to give you denim rub rubs.