CheapShow - Ep 58: Coke Heads

Episode Date: November 15, 2017

Has CheapShow crossed the line? You can only find out by listening to episode 58 of the Bric-A-Brac podcast that YOU adore! It's an episode that may upset, may offend and may make people shake their heads disappointingly! Eli nearly breaks Paul mentally with his revolutionary and innuendo packed "Tales from the Dance Floor". The CheapShow chaps put their taste buds to the test with a range of budget Colas that makes a liar out of Eli. Paul visits the "VHS Bottom Shelf" again with an almost coherent review of "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie". Finally, they play a game that stretches their limited acting skills to an offensive breaking point with "Accentuate". We apologise in advance! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Are you ready? Are you ready to go? Are you ready? When are you ready to go, Eli? Come on, Eli! Give us your intro! Are we recording? Yeah, we are recording now. Eli, give us your disco intro. Now, can I just please have my intro just be me introducing? You're trying to do it, aren't you? You're trying to fucking have a little funny bit before I do my intro where you act like a cunt. Aren't you? So don't.

Stop this recording now. Are you ready for love? Come on, get going. Don't look so depressed. Come on, baby. It's time to rock. I want you to bring the thunder. You know that magic you said I was asking you to hold back?

Time to put on your magic hat, put on your magic gloves, your magic shoes, and Eli, get the magic out. Webleys and Blenby men! You need to stop. If you're going to be loud,

look and see how that's peaked. You need to bring it away if you're going to shout. Stop the recording. It's going on. It's happening. This is veritable. No, no one wants to bring it away if you're going to shout. Stop the recording. It's going on. It's happening. This is verity. No, no one wants to hear it. It's the same fucking thing every week.

You go, I'm a dickhead. Isn't it? Peek behind the curtains. Let's have a proper intro for once. It's not a proper... It's not a fucking proper intro. Just do it. If you do this.

Just do it then. Can I just say one thing first? Yeah. Cunt. You are. Wow, that's an early C word from you. I'm not going to say it. I'm going to bring a bit of respect to this podcast.

Fine. Can I do the intro now? Yes. Which has been completely ruined. Just do it. Ladies and gentlemen. Hello. Excellent start. Go on. ladies and gentlemen hello excellent start go on it's that time again ladies and gentlemen i'm eli silverman here i am in my very own house of pickles and it's time for the show that we like to call cheap show

cheap show it is it's cheap shown here's paul garner hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to the podcast we've decided to call Cheap Show. The economy comedy podcast full of bric-a-brac fun and magic. Oh yeah! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of Cheap Show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time.

Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? So it's a podcast where on a, I don't know, three times a month basis, Eli and I go for the charity shops. Thrice monthly. That's some fucking class. All right. Thrice monthly. We go through the bargain bins, charity shops,

Pallands and boot sales of this country. Boot sales? What are boot sales? Yeah, boot sales. That's a fucking...? What do you mean? Do you know boot sales? Yeah, boot sales. That's a fucking... Oh, I'm sorry. I dropped the car. A boot sale is something that happens in Clark's. Shoe shop.

You know, they sell... They have boots on sale. Yeah, but I'm not going to go, let's go to the shop and... Well, that's what people might think if they're just new to the... You know what people might think if they're new to the podcast, Paul?

What? Who is this utter dick egging on this poor man to fucking do an intro? But they're not actually using the intro. Just using his bullshit mocking. And then says boot sale like an idiot. Out of your fucking mind. Oh, whatever.

Right. So, yeah. It's cheap show, everybody. Those gentlemen earlier today, Eli, told me on the bus that he didn't feel good. I think we can all agree that's not an illness this time. Let's be fair to him. It's just his body is a clapped out shithouse. Oh, fuck you.

It is. Your body is a wreck. How's the cut down on sugar going, fatty? Oh, my God. Well, you said you started it. Didn't you? I thought it was eloquent. So, what have we got on the show, Paul?

Apart from more of this shit, obviously. Today on Cheap Show. Yeah. No, really. I'm looking up my list now. I've got to check. I've got to check. We have an off-brand, brand-off episode.

Little spoiler. We've called it top of the pops what do you think that means what do you think that means it's about i'm not no it's a rhetorical question at the moment or is it no it is a question god uh right yeah we're doing off-brand brand off brand off brand then uh the return of a segment we haven't done in a while since its first outing it's paul's Bottom Shelf. Ah. Where I tell you about a VHS that I found recently bought, watched

not on VHS, I watched the DVD or the YouTube. I'll be honest with you. You watched some of it on a YouTube clip. I watched all of it. I watched all of it. Well I'm looking forward to hearing about that. And then finally Eli and I are playing a game that I found in a charity shop and it's called Accentuate but what does that mean?

Find out later in the show. Okay, good. Now I'm in the mood. Here comes the magic, Paul. Can I talk like this for the rest of the show? I'd rather you didn't. I'd rather do. I do-diddy-do-do.

All right, if you can keep that energy up the whole show. Oh, fuck energy. I've got my voice. Have you? Yeah. How long's that going to last? Right? It's lasting.

Yeah, it is. I'll tell you. How long is that going to last? Right. It's lasting. Yeah, it is. I'll tell you what, it's still going. So, let's move on. This might be the most annoying episode of Cheap Chokes to listen to.

Anyway, should we start the show then? No, no. Tell us from the dance floor. You got one of those. Give us that. Ah, thank you, Paul.

Yes. Yes. I think we should always start the show with a nice bit of Tales from the Dance Floor. I have. Because it's my favourite segment of the show. Now, it's a joke I've kind of batted into the ground about how every story you tell is practically the same.

And what would the parameters of the story be? Well, the parameters, as long-time listeners of the show will know by now, it's you're playing some great music. Yes. At one of the bars you work at. Yes. A person comes up to you. Usually a lady. Okay.

So you're not nailing that on always a lady. Not always. It's nine times out of ten. Okay. So it could be a lady or it could be a man. Or it could be a man. And that man tends to be a bit of a kind of a work of the weekend, kind of a suit wearing, scumbaggy kind of guy.

Right. And the lady just tends to be maybe, for want of of a better phrase a bit naive or just a bit young they come up to you and ask for a song now usually the song is not to your taste not appropriate for the night or they've asked for the song

in a very rude way and you've reacted again nine times out of ten with disdain and then you go and that's my tales on the dance floor

and then we've wasted seven minutes of the show so with that in mind well I'd just like to say you're wrong on every count this week if this is and then you go and that's my tails on the dance floor and then we've wasted seven minutes of the show okay Paul so with that in mind well I'd just like to say you're wrong on every count this week

if this is if that's true yes I will do the rest of the show in my undies you don't have to I'm willing to go the distance just that you're willing

is fine it's fair enough alright good okay I don't need to look at your tighty whities they're not tight your baggy whities and they are not tight. Your baggy-whities. And they are not white.

Your baggy-stainies. They are my... Your shit-riddled rags of puke. Shit-riddled bag of puke. Yeah, that's what it reminds me of. My underpants. A dirty man nappy. My underpants A dirty man nappy

This show's going down The fucking shitter Well are you ready For turn Yeah Go on With all that said Go on tell you

Ladies and gentlemen Bloody windows going off It's time For Revamped And not at all What you'd expect To

The Jazz Floor Okay so I'm DJing The other night Paul Quite a large venue revamped and not at all what you'd expect to the jazz floor okay so I'm DJing the other night Paul quite a large venue the largest I do okay so

I'm there I'm DJing this guy comes up to the booth yeah so far gives me his card his card

just hands me his card I'm just like does it say meet me round the back no it is an absurdly expensive business card because it's like on pvc is it like that scene in american psycho where they compare cards yeah

a bit like that it's pvc okay see-through yeah it's like you know plastic the whole thing is complete plastic like a credit card size yeah you'd have to pay quite a bit of money to get those it's a quality business card yeah and it says Anthony Priori yeah and then it says DJs, events, weddings and it's got some kind

of website weddings are we and he says you know I book DJs in the US you know yeah and then he comes back

a few minutes later you're out of the back no he does not it does not want this does not involve at no point in the story did that happen no

there is no him coming on to me. Okay. Me joshing him off. I didn't want to go that far. I thought it might have been a bit more romantic than that. Or him waiting to gobble me

after the night. I was just going to say it might be more romantic. It wasn't romantic. All right. And then he says, can I come up? He was trying to chat to me

sort of across the booth. Can I chat you up? No. Just chat to me across the booth. Yeah. And he comes? Oh. No, just chat to me across the booth. Yeah. And he goes, oh, can I come in the booth? Yeah. So I go, yeah, you can come.

It's a great story. You can come in the booth. Yeah. And he's just like, he's happy as Larry. He's got kind of a shaved head. He looks like, very American, you know. Okay. Yeah.

Does he look like the guy from Storage Wars? Yeah, a bit like that. Okay. What was the guy from Storage Wars Does he look like the guy from Storage Wars? Yeah, a bit like that. Okay. Wasn't the guy from Storage Wars? It was not the guy from Storage Wars because I would have

recognised him and I would have said, come bum me because I like the guy from Storage Wars. Right, okay. TMI.

Yeah. Carry on. So he comes in the booth and he's standing there for a minute and then I'm sort of looking for my record box. Yeah.

What's so funny? Just a good story. Right, okay. And he says, he hands me a tenner. He goes, can I give you a tenner? Shut up.

Shut up. God. Take it easy, Paul. I might be gay. Would that be funny? No. Some of our listenership might be gay.

They are. We do have a good listenership. So what's so funny? Why are you sniggering? I'm laughing because... You sniggery homophobe. I'm not. We're not. This is a lovely show. Yeah, so why do you

find it funny that I might have got bumped? That's funny. You so do. You're crying. I'm crying. He hands me a tenner.'m crying He hands me a tenner He hands me a tenner He goes, can I play a song? Now I didn't know which way this was going

But I know the song he asked for does sound funny In the context now Because the song he asked for was Glory gainers I will survive No shit it was Are you alright Phil? He did This is the best Tales from the Down Floor in the world

He asked me to play Glory again as I will He gave me the tenor And I sort of handed it back to him I don't have that with me I'm sorry mate You know what I mean And he said I'll take the tenor anyway He handed it back to him. Yeah. I don't have that with me. I'm sorry, mate. You know what I mean? Like. Yeah.

And he said, I'll take the tenor anyway. Okay. I'll choose another song. Right. Right. Yeah. And he's, you know. And then he goes, can I look through your records?

Why is that funny? It's not a euphemism. No, it's not. It's not at all. Go on. Can I rummage through your box would be the euphemistic way of saying it. Okay. No, he wants to look for my records and I'm like, no. Can I finger your 12 inches?

Yeah, exactly. Wow. I never realised how much of a carry-on film your DJ life was. This is amazing. I didn't want him to look at my records because that's just a bit invasive and it's one of those bugbears that, you know. Yeah. There are other DJs who moan, Paul.

They have websites and stuff. There's a Facebook group DJ request line. Yeah. And people posting it, usually on the weekends, about their stupid requests, you know what I mean? And so there are... People are annoying. And one of the annoying things people do...

Yeah. It's kind of a typical trope of it, is to say, oh, can I look? They say, oh, can you play fucking is to say oh can i look you say they say oh can you play fucking desposito yeah and you say no i haven't got it and they go well what have you got can i look through yeah yeah i hate you yeah and i wish you would leave get out get out get the fuck out get out yeah anyway so i said no you've already handed me this tenor so it was a bit weird me saying no you can't do that and he stood around he you know he was appreciative of the set or whatever yeah and then he was taking pictures the live band yeah and he he said to me because they started once he got in the booth they started then he said can you take some photos of me

looking through your records yeah pretending that i'm digging oh no now i feel sorry for him. He really, he was like cool for him. You know, the fact that it was vinyl. That man thought you were cool. He did, yeah. That is, aw. And so I thought, yeah. Poor man. I thought, yeah, I'll take some photos of you rummaging through my box. Yeah.

And I did. And he was pleased. Yeah? He said, email me. Oh. And will you? No, because he's obviously a wedding events guy. So, good money?

It's terrible. You know what? Free booze. They pay for your hotel. You get to travel. Expenses. It's terrible. It's the worst gig a DJ can do.

Is it? Yes. Because you have to play what you're asked to play. Yeah. Yeah. What if they said carte blanche, though? If they say carte blanche, then I'll do them, but no one's going to say carte blanche.

They might have heard you say it in the blues kitchen or whatever. Also, people who don't like each other, i.e. the family of the bride and groom, are there. So there's a lot of tension, a lot of drinking. Yeah. And there's a lot of,

it's her day. So she might insist that you change the music. Yeah. Someone associated with her or him. Yeah. Might assist. And they've got a kind of, they have a sort of entitlement

which is really annoying do you see what I mean yeah and it can get fisticuffs no it can get fisticuffs can't it no

mate I heard a story about that is so lame it's your oldest joke the blues thing is your oldest joke the blues riff

stop what is your oldest joke when I used to put my joke. It's not. What is your oldest joke? When I used to put my head through the curtain and do the floating ghost thing in improv. Oh, God. That was really bad as well. Or when I did my robot voice. Hello, Eli. Did the man knobble your gobble off?

No. So, there was one story of a DJ at a wedding. And the guy was getting married, the groom. Yeah. groom, accused him of being a kiddie fiddler. Out of the blue. The DJ. God. Yeah. Out of the blue.

So, fisticuffs. And then it turned into fisticuffs. Imagine a gig going that wrong. Badly. Yeah, very badly. Very bad. Well, so that's my tales from the dance floor. And true to my word, I will do the rest of this episode in just my pants.

Okay. Can we pretend that? We episode in just my pants. Okay. Can we pretend that? We're going to pretend that. Yes. Because I do not want to see your grotty thong strap. You would be privileged to be inches away from my rotted sausage hockey pants. Anyway, that's to tell us about Dan Floor. Congratulations. One of my favourites. Good. Well, it's to tell us from the down floor. Congratulations.

One of my favourites. Good. Well, it's that time again. It's time to do one of my new favourite segments of the show. Oh, yeah. What's that, Paul?

It's the Off Brand Brand Off. Diddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle. Oh, Off Brand Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off. Why are you laughing? Stop putting me off. Oh, we shouldn't do that jingle. I like it. Alright, let's just do it

straight. I thought I did it pretty... I'll do the doodle-oodle-ood. You just want to be a part of it, don't you? Yes. Alright, okay. Is that too much to ask? I'll fucking go. No. I'll go and you just talk. See what happens then, Paul. Yeah?

Then it'll be the Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman's impression show. Where it's like, good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the cheap show. Oh, I'm a fat loser. Oh, I'm so angry. Don't even say fuck my life. I never say fuck my life. You just said it twice. No, no, but I'm...

So you've said it and you've set a precedent now You ready? Yeah Off brand brand off Off brand brand off Off brand brand off Be like that What have we got on off brand off

Today I have called today's section Off brand brand off top of the Pops. Oh, yeah. Because in the 80s, was it the 80s they had the Coke and Pepsi challenge? Or was it the Pepsi challenge? It was the Pepsi challenge. And that caused Coca-Cola to make one of the biggest or most famous corporate mistakes of all time.

Yes. By introducing new Coke. Yes, because Pepsi was winning all of the Pepsi challenges. I mean, they were biased as well, weren't they? Here's the theory that when they did the taste, it wasn't, could you tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi? It was which was your favourite

flavour, right? Yes. So they'd always pick Pepsi because Pepsi was sweeter and that first gulp was refreshing and sweet and fizzy. However, when the fizzes went, it became sickly and horrible to drink. So not a lot of people finished. But Coke kept its carbonation better. And it's also

not as sweet in particular ways. It has a different, as you would say, amplitude. Yes, but I also think they add some kind of acid to Coke that actually suppresses the sickliness of the sweet, maybe. Because it's got as much sugar in,

doesn't it? What was that drug thing in America? Ultra? Ultra. Ultra. Oh, hang on. Okay, Google. Search for MK Ultra.

It was a CIA mind control program. Oh, yeah. A code given to a program of experiments on human subjects at time illegal design. Including Agent Orange. Yeah. And all the jokers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that guy who killed himself.

Yes. Yeah. It's one of the... Because they spiked his coffee. It's one of those conspiracy theories that turned out to be true. Horribly true. Yeah, one of those. Anyway, so the joke being is that I was going to suggest that's what they put in Coke.

It was in K-O-T-R-E-A-N. There's some ingredient. I've laboured this point. You really have and it was boring. I'm sorry. So I heard that they put some kind of additive into the Coke. MK Ultra. Which dampens down.

Yeah. Or fights the sickly sugariness. So with all that said. So what you're saying it was based on one sip and and after one sip, most people will go for Pepsi, naturally, because it's sweeter. So it was a great campaign. In fact, they preferred Coke. More people would drink Coke all the way,

and Pepsi would get wasted, and then people would go off it quicker. So it won the advertising campaign, and it did see a boost, but Pepsi was never anywhere near the popularity of Coke ever. I don't think that was... I think even though it was a boost, and McDonald's, sorry, Coca-Cola lost some ground.

I think ultimately. But didn't it cause, wasn't the fact that Coca-Cola was losing ground at that time caused Coke to create new Coke?

Yeah. Because they overthought it and it tasted, I mean, I don't think we ever got new Coke in this country. I know, it was worldwide.

All I know is I don't remember what it tasted like. So I, because it must have been when we were in our. I remember it, but I remember visiting my uncle in the States.

Yeah. And it was a big deal there that they, they were just bringing out classic. Cause they had to bring out classic Coke, which is actual Coke, which is what they call it now. If you look at the bottle, cause this is cut long story short,

we're going to do a Coca-Cola test today. Ah, Coca-Cola against two knockoff brands. Yeah. Right. So let's get the Coca-Cola out. I believe it's somewhere in here. Right, you've got

a litre and a half bottles. I only have to get a tin of this, but it's called Classic to this day still. It's still called Classic. People just don't see the Classic, do they?

I bet there's some twat who like Berenstain Bear Conspiracy or whatever Mandela effect and they're like, ooh. We live in a universe where it's still New Coke.

Is it a different universe or is your memory memory memorably memorably or is your memory totally fallible like every other human

who's ever lived yeah do you know what I mean no it's an ultimate reality who thinks they can remember remember details perfectly no one no one

no one it's completely fallible what was I wearing the last time we recorded the same as always. Your tramp studs. Fucking why was that an insult? That was a test.

A fucking test. You were wearing those new shoes you got from Primark for two quid. And just a bunch of Primark stuff. It is not. Oh, no. These are. Jeans are. Is your jeans at Primark?

Shirt is Primark? You are totally clad in Primark. Let me think sadly yes yeah so anyway nothing wrong with that Paul cheap show

Primardi nothing wrong with that so classic coke that's one that's the standard we're going to judge it that's what we're going to test

I do like a coke yeah I have to say yeah it's the cola of choice it's nice I mean remember Panda P pops had their own

knockoff flavors and there's always panda pops coke and it always tasted fake oh yeah nasty tasted like you know when you had cola flavored ice lollies yeah it was like that would melt it had a sort of uh chemically sort of aftertaste basically that's what coke manages to avoid yeah uh so it's got a clean finish it's got a clean finish. It's got a clean finish. Crisp. Yes. Crisp flavor. Delicate. Slightly watery.

Not syrupy. Pepsi is very syrupy. Yes. I tend to find. It avoids. But again, I think that's because they put a great deal of sort of acerbic acid or something in there. I mean, I did bring a Pepsi with me, but we might not bother with it because fuck Pepsi.

Oh yeah? You don't like it? I don't. I mean, I have no real opinion, but someone's got to be a bad guy. What are the knockoff brands we're going to be tasting? Well, the knockoff brands we're going to be tasting starts here. I went to Aldi. You see, I bet Aldi's is nice.

You think? I mean, I'm going to see, but judging by some of their other things, like the Aero, for example, their chocolate's good. Yeah, fair play. You know, they do their fucking research. So this brand is called Freeway Cola and as all colas it looks like a bottle of cola

because it's red. And he wasn't just mispronouncing freeway everyone. It's not freeway as in an orgy cola. It's freeway

as in a road. The freeway. So it's trying to say freeway is kind of an American word isn't it? Yeah. It's trying to say

oh America. Freeway. Americana isn't it? Free, yeah. It's trying to say, Oh, America, free, Americana, isn't it? Uh, free way. And it's, I was thinking of anything witty. I just repeat the word.

Nothing witty came out at all. No, it doesn't usually. But, um, uh, I think they've had, they've got gone as close with the,

uh, bottle design as they possibly could without getting the, the army of lawyers from Coca-Cola coming down on them. Because the reason I say that is because other knock-off brands from Aldi are closer. That's not very close. It's red and sort of white, but they really haven't been able to

But that, 65p. 65p, two litres. No, hang on. No, sorry. I spoke out of place. That three-way cola from Aldi, I think it's 35p Are you For two litres For that yeah

That's just Just wrong Yeah Nothing should be that cheap Because I bought that And two croissants And it only came to 140 And the croissants

Oh right So you're doing a maths thing Which you're shit at Fuck off You are so You're very mean today Alright I'm sorry Here's a kiss

No Here's a cuddle Put your trousers back on and I might consider it. Are you ready for love? Alright, so. Lumpy porn. It is leaky, leaky, winky.

And a cake. You're so fucking impressed with yourself. You're a bad bag. Right, so. So, yeah. Famously, the bottle of Coke is a stovepipe design

because it was based on, now, either the dress, the stovepipe dress, which in turn was based on the stovepipe, the old American stovepipe. That's what the design of the... Why are you staring at me like I'm fucking mad? Because I never heard this called the stovepipe. So, as in a pipe that comes off the back of a stove. You know when, like, you see those American shows where, like, they're all in a hut and

there's, like, in the middle of the hut there's, like, a kind of metal grate, big kind of oven thing with a pipe coming out the top of it and there's like in the middle of the hut there's like a kind of metal grate big kind of oven thing with a pipe going out the top of it and there's flames on the front door and you open it and it's like you know. Yeah I do I'm cognizant of both those words and what they fucking mean. But I thought that the Coke bottle was like based on

Marilyn Monroe's figure or something. You know it's kind of it's got a sort of hourglass. Okay, Google. Fucking Google. Coca-Cola bottle design. Look, we may as well do the research if we're going to talk about. Oh, thank you, bottle web.

Oh, fuck me. The history of Coca-Cola Company on the Coca-Cola.com. You don't want to hear them talk about their history. They lie. Oh, it would be fat. You know, they lie about the fact that it had cocaine in it, don't want to hear them talk about their history they lie it would be fat you know they lie about the fact that it had cocaine in it don't they

well that was the episode of the dollop that talks all about the birth of coke and talks about the cocaine element and how it was basically Coca-Cola company

don't admit that they started off having coke in their product that's ridiculous even though they blatantly did people used to guzzle it

and go yeah let's be racist the bottles and those used to be straight blah and go, yeah, let's be racist. Bottles in those days used to be straight. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is great. That's a shit page.

You shouldn't have gone to that. You shouldn't have gone to that page. You shouldn't have gone to that page. Contour bottle history. That's better. There we go. Yes. Oh, right.

I don't want to do that voice either. Birth of the contour bottle. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, God. Blah, blah, blah. Let's just do the research before the show. Fuck me. Blah?

Is it blah, blah, blah? Yeah. Yeah. Let's have one word that isn't blah about the Coke bottle after three minutes. Nothing. You've got nothing. You're not saying anything. Again, nothing.

Anything? I can't find the actual bit that actually says what it's designed after. Oh, wow. Why don't we just leave it there? We'll leave it there. We'll leave it there. We'll move on. This section's going on for years. It is. Right, so you found nothing. It's based

on a fucking stovepipe, but Virgin Cola tried to do a similar thing and they modelled their bottle over the shape of Pamela Anderson's bike. I was going to say, well, we're remembered. Thank you very much. What a waste of time I know but I didn't think stovepipes

had a sexy bar like that maybe it was the design of the dress based on the design of the thing because there was a stovepipe dress

that was a woman's figure that looked like that had that kind of bulge and a curve kind of thing very famous good bit of design I think so anyway

anyway it's also you can hold it better because it's got so what about the oldie one doesn't have that design no not any but it's similar you can see there's a little bit of contour there to it,

and it's not just a big tube. Unlike the third Coca-Cola we have now. Which is even cheaper? No, this was 65p. Okay. And this is the, oh God, I've shook it all up. This is the Sainsbury's brand Cola. Now, my prediction is, even though that is more expensive,

it's going to be worse than the freeway. I think this is going to be watery piss. Yeah, with a nasty aftertaste. So, that is more expensive, it's going to be worse than the freeway. I think this is going to be watery piss. With a nasty aftertaste. So that is my prediction. Well, what we're going to do is this. I'm going to pour a bit of each of these into one of these three glasses. So there'll be Coca-Cola

in three glasses. Not necessarily where I've put them now. There'll be cola in three glasses. Yes, there'll be cola. Not Coca-Cola. Only one of the glasses will have Coca-Cola. There'll be cola in three glasses. Yes, there'll be cola. Not Coca-Cola. Only one of the glasses will have Coca-Cola. There'll be three glasses filled with cola, each on a different one

of the three choices I've brought. Yes. Good, good. Well done. Well done so far. You will be wearing a mask. Yes. Or some kind of eye closure treatment.

Good. Right. Yes. So you won't be able to see what you're sipping. Your challenge Yes. is should I choose to accept is to simply Right Yes So you won't be able to see With you What you're sipping Your challenge Yes Is

Should I choose to accept Is To simply rank them Ah From So can't I do It's not Aren't I going to guess which is which

You can get a bonus point If you can do that Well I'll get a point for saying what I like Oh for fuck's sake Just coming up with rules I'm just trying I want you to rate them To get the parameters

No I don't care The rules The game We don't want to It's a game just coming up with rules. I'm just trying to get the parameters. I don't care. The rules, the game, we don't want to, it's a game and the game is, I just rank them from your favourite

to your least favourite. I will do that, Paul. And if you want to name them, you can, but it has no effect on the outcome. I just want you to, it's not a competition.

You're not trying to guess. It was a little competition before. Well, I took the points away because you made a fucking nightmare out of it. It made me feel bad inside. Did I? And now I'm all glum.

I was in a good mood at the start of this podcast. Right. It'd be funny to tell from the dance floor, but I'm in a good mood. And now. What? Very sour. All right. I feel defensive.

I can do both, Paul. Yeah? I can distinguish with them and give a good educated guess about which is the Coca-Cola. Look at me like that. Like you're just shitting my eyes. You've got this really nasty kind of ooh, take this. My face is all scrunched up.

All I'm trying to say is I will try to distinguish. For me, that's what I'd like to do. It's what makes this segment fun. And probably for some of our listeners, Paul. You never know.

You just want to drop things at work and insert other things. That's untrue. I'll let you do Tales of a Dance Floor even though it consistently let me down I shook your shoulders

Not today you didn't Right so Right I'm going to ask you to now put the mask over your eyes Okay I'm going to go get the mask Today is what? It's the same red vest But I have a bit of a Halloween thing going on

Check this out Well they can't because they can only hear this I'm talking to you Oh right Oh check this out they can't because they can only hear this oh right oh ladies and gentlemen sexy mask there'll be a picture of Eli wearing said sexy mask

on our website thecheapshow.co.uk where images that accompany this episode are there for you to peruse of the things we drink eat, touch and and tickle. What are you... What's wrong with that mask? The elastic's gone.

Oh, the elastic's gone. It was a sexy kitten mask. That's what you won't see. I'm just wiping the dusty mask off. Right. Get it on. That's your Tinder picture. Right.

So I've got the mask on, but as you can see, Paul... Why aren't you talking to your mic so people can hear your words? So I've got the mask on now, Paul, but as you can see, it's got eye holes. So not effective as a... Not really, no. As a vision impairment device. But... I've got my red vest.

Again, there'll be a picture of this, so there'll be clarification. I'm going to stuff the red vest underneath the mask. Good plan. Fashioning, if you will. Yes. A crude vision impairment device. Yeah, excellent. Doing that now. Okay, so keep the mask on. I am now going to pour the colas into the various

glasses. I will mix them round so you don't know which they are. Okay, I'm not looking. Alright, so here we go. Oh, I can hear them fizzing. Fizzing and a whizzing. Now, I discovered the other day that I used to think pop was just an English way of referring

to soft drinks. Fizzy soft drinks. But in fact there's parts of America where they call it pop as well. Did you know that? No, I did not. But now I do. And the world is richer in my brain. It's not universally known as soda.

Okay. So it was like sort of lots of stories of people who were addicted to soda, as they put it. But most of them were Diet Coke. And have you come across this, Paul? People fucking get a thing for Diet Coke. And it's bad like you know they do two liters a day or whatever paul hey you're not you're not talking i can hear it all fizzing what part of me pouring drinks out

away from the microphone and therefore unable to really speak. Do I not understand? Do you not understand? I understand that perfectly now. So asking me a question that I can't immediately respond to puts me, a professional podcaster, at a disadvantage. He's a professional. So, with respect, Eli J. Silverman, by your own words. I did a podcast before you. So?

Well then, who's the pro? Well, me still because you didn't have any involvement in that other than like this you just turn up

and talk bollocks and then go home I am home that is a very salient point look shut it shut it

shut it you little dirty dirty dirty ugly hairy tramp

scrotal faced fuck brain yeah your face looks like no. Yeah, your face looks like... No, it doesn't. Your face looks like a fucking...

No, it doesn't. ...stocking full of bollocks. Well, it does now. Yeah. Because I've got a vest on it. And when you masturbate, it sounds like a rabbit chewing gum.

Yeah, I said it. Right. Now, there's a problem. What? All this arguing, bantering. I can't remember which glasses are which No No I do We're safe

Give me Cola number one Seriously Are you ready for cola number one This is cola number one He's giving it a sniff. Okay. He's sipping.

He's sipping. Thoughts? It is watery. Okay. And flat with no bite. Now, I will say this. They all were very, very fizzy when I poured them out. But that fizz all across the board went away very quickly.

Even so, you'd expect even more bubbles. That really lost it. Speak a little bit closer. That really lost all of its thing. And it's just got a weak, it's just got a weak... Amplitude? ...watery finish.

It's a watery finish and there's hardly... The cola, the actual cola nut flavour is very much in the background and it's just the sugar very much in the foreground. Right. With just the sugar very much in the foreground. Right. With no sort of tang, if you know what I mean.

What do you mean, Christ? You make it sound so dry, though. Use some colourful language. Like, it's not fruity. It's like a witch's earwax. Weak. So, that's Coke, Cola, whatever you want to call it. Cola number one.

Yeah, very poor. Right, okay. There's not much to say, Paul. It's just flat, just sugar, very little flavour. Okay. None of the acridity, the acridity that I'm looking for. Okay, here is Cola number two. Put your hand out.

There you go. So, I would predict that that was Sainsbury's. You're going with Sainsbury's? Yeah, I think that was Sainsbury's. Because I said Sainsbury's was the worst. Now, if this is worse, you see that? Oh. Again, isn't Coke, I'd say.

Interesting. It's got a real Panda Pops throwback flavour. Interesting. I'm getting an orange. Orangey. I'm getting... There's a lot of citrus in this one

right some more interesting flavour yeah on the nose than the last one which was just terrible so I'm going to go in go in

now that is also not coke no it's not coke very flat very flat you say too orangey there's a sort of

no you're thinking of kiora no no it's got a sort of citrus fruit front right how's its back door and the back door

just has got again that one has got the most panda poppy sort of synthetic sweetener okay

do you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah I have had a little sip of all three of these already so I can are you agreeing with me largely I mean because I know

the outcome it's interesting because I know something you don't. That is not Coke. I'll put that one down. This must be Coke. Are you ready for the third and final Coke? Here we go. Hand out. This must be Coke.

I'll be surprised. Well, here we go. Sniff, sniff. Sniff, sniff. Picture of him sniffing a glass of Coke is amazing. It also sounds horrible. Right so. Was that funny, mate? I don't know.

You thought like Mr. Mole or something. It's got more amplitude, mate. You think that's the Coke? Can I get a freshener? Across the board? Yeah. I would, but it might give it away with the opening of the bottles again and stuff like that

as opposed to the tin. So, I don't know. Ah, I see. I'm trying to keep some mystique because that might give it away. I'd say that's the Coke. Okay. It's got an overall flavour.

Nothing sticking out. Last one, it was really orangey. Yeah. And artificially. Yeah. The first one, just sweetness.

Okay. Nothing else really going on. Well, this has got like a whole thing. There'sially. Yeah. First one, just sweetness. Okay. Nothing else really going on. Well, this has got like a whole thing. There's a whole thing. Sweetness, and then you've got the kind of deeper flavor of the cola nut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the spices or whatever. Wow. You're really good at this.

Oh, yeah. Well, am I totally wrong? Maybe. Right. Okay. Tell me. Before we do that, I want you to rank them so the first was called number one the second was called number two the third was obviously number three so what

you do is from starting with the weakest to the best number two for me was the weakest okay but it because it was just unpleasant it wasn't what i wanted from a cola. It was too orangey and with the nasty, unpleasant acrylic. Okay. Acrylic. Artificial finish. Right. Then number one. Okay.

Which was just boring. It was boring and just had nothing to it, really. Too sweet and watery. So that means, obviously, number three is number one. Number three would be my first choice. And so you're thinking number three is also Coke? I think so. Coke's cola? That is what my prediction would be, Paul. I might be totally wrong. So And so you're thinking number three is also Coke? I think so. I do.

That is what my prediction would be, Paul. I might be totally wrong. So what would you say your second favourite was? The Aldi one. And then the third one was Sainsbury's. I mean, what are you thinking? Well, look, the Aldi one was 35p and it was obviously number two. I mean, it has to be.

It just tasted so cheap and nasty. And you're thinking the weakest one is the Sainsbury's one? No, no. I think... Oh, you think the the weakest one is the Sainsbury's one? No, no. I think... Oh, you think the older one is the nastiest flavour? Yes, I've changed my mind on that. Because I think it's the cheapness I tasted in number two. With that in mind...

Listen, I will eat my underpants if number two was Coke. I really... I wouldn't... I can't believe that to be true. Well, in that case, Eli Silverman, get your knife and fork. It's Y-front chopping time because you were wrong on that. I'm going to tell you now the order of the drinks that you drunk. Drink number one.

You can take your mask off because you may as well see it all now. Drink number one was Coca-Cola. Yeah, I thought that more. No, you didn't say fucking that. Otherwise, you would have said it. Don't change your answer now with hindsight. You don't. I don't.

I'm not going to hear any bullshit. I thought that might be the case. No. No, no. You would have said it then. You would have ranked it first. Did you? But did you see?

You would have ranked it first. You keep contrary little Ted. Listen, Paul. Listen, Paul, yeah? Yeah. Listen to me, yeah? Listen to me, yeah? Oh, that's good. That's good. You're going to mock me. I'm going to mock you. Oh, Paul. Listen, Paul, yeah? Yeah. Listen to me, yeah? Listen to me, yeah? Oh, that's good.

That's good. You're going to mock me. I'm going to mock you. Oh, yeah. You're just going to say what I say. You're going to say what I say. And people are paying to support this. Yeah?

Yeah. All right. So, shut up. No, you shut up. I mean, no, not shut up. Anyway. I subconsciously knew because did you see I sort of said it was just too ordinary. Look, you rated that number two anyway.

It was my second favourite. Yes, it was. So, that was that. The drink number two was the Sainsbury's which you did put at the very, very bottom. Therefore, the one you thought was Coke was the Aldi. Strange, isn't it? Yeah. And I predicted beforehand that Aldi would be good,

didn't I? But you thought it was the Coke, and yet here's the Coke, the one you thought was slightly more watery. Is this it here? Yeah, that's the Coke. I can fill you up the Coke again. Just give me a bit of the fizz. Just a bit of the fizz.

Have a bit of the fizz. Now that you know, do you think that's changed your opinion, though? It tastes different, man. Now that you know. It's so weird. Isn't that weird? That is really bizarre. I'll fill up the... Can you hold the glass for the Sainsbury's one, man. Now that you know. It's so weird. Isn't that weird? That is really bizarre. I'll fill up the... Can you hold the glass for the Sainsbury's one?

Yeah. I'll give you a bit more of that with a bit more fizz because this one was very fizzy and then it just goes flat really quick. No, this is easily the worst, the Sainsbury's. Okay. It's got that... Smell that.

Tell me it doesn't smell like all nasty sort of orange. It smells... It's kind of an artificial orange flavour that it sort of has. Do you know what the only way I can describe it is? It feels like you can smell right through it. Oh, that's so poor. All right, and then this is the oldie one. If you were to get the glass, I'll give you a bit of a top-up on this as well.

The Sainsbury's has a lot to answer for, man. Well, again, 65p and the oldie one, 35p. And it was my favourite on a blind test out of all three, including Coke. There you go, try that again. Now, does this taste different? For the clever Germans at Aldi one, 35. Exactly. And it was my favourite on a blind test out of all three, including Coke. There you go, try that again. Now, does this taste different? Clever Germans at Aldi.

Now, does this taste different? Clever Germans at Aldi. Again, that's quite nice. Yeah? Yeah. There you go.

It's got a bit more character than the real Coke. It's got a bit more going on. It tries to be something different from Coke rather than copy Coke, you think? Yeah, it's got a bit more going on. It tries to be something different from Coke rather than copy Coke, you think. Yeah, it's got a bit more flavour. Yeah, very interesting.

Very interesting. Well, that wraps up another, what I think, highly scientific, consumer reporting important segment of Cheap Show. Just before we wrap that up, No, we're wrapping it up. Can I just say something?

Go on. I don't like soft drinks generally. I like iced tea. Great, what a great way to wrap it up. No, we're wrapping it up. Can I just say something? Go on. I don't like soft drinks generally. I like iced tea. Great. What a great way to wrap it up. Let's do iced tea one time. All right, we'll do an iced tea one. You pick it.

You find it. I'll do it. I haven't got a taste test yet. I'll fucking sauce it. All right. Yeah? Yeah. So look forward to that in two years time when he finally gets around to doing it.

In two years time. When you finally get around to doing something on this fucking show. Yeah, of course. This fucking show. Fun, isn't it, Paul? Fucking stop this segment, you cunt. You can introduce this bit, even though it's about me. And now, ladies and gentlemen, on Cheap Show,

a segment that we're still sort of essaying because it didn't work at all and was a really boring bit of no I'm going to start again sorry Paul no that's staying as record that little comment of yours is staying as public fucking record I'm sorry I'm not listening to you what have I done

what have I done to you nothing what have I done what have you done what have I done what have i done nothing yeah what have you done what have i done yeah what have you done mate i've done a willy willy wanky wow wow okay oh come on that was gold you know what if someone listened to this show for the very first time because i don't know they saw iTunes and highly recommended say The Guardian and all this stuff and then you come out with the bon mot that

is my willy willy wanky I don't know willy willy wanky I think. Mate t-shirts let's just do it get the merch going man with that on a t-shirt I'd be embarrassed to have my face and then the phrase my willy willy wanky

Paul can I just check is this section called Paul's Bottom Shelf or just Bottom Shelf? Gannon's Bottom Shelf. Gannon's. Okay. And now, on Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen, another segment. Don't sigh. Another segment. It's so dry.

What about a bit of showbiz palache? Now, ladies and gentlemenash a really exciting segment where our co-host Paul Milky Bar Kid Gannon describes something a video or film

that he's found a bit of nostalgia on the show, ladies and gentlemen. And here it is. It's Ganon's Bottom Shelf. It's Ganon's Bottom Shelf. And what have we got today on Ganon's Bottom Shelf, Ganon? In this episode, I want to talk about a film I saw years ago and thought was good.

Ghostbusters? No. That's a surprise. No, what do you mean it's a surprise? I kind of talked out about Ghostbusters at the moment. Oh, yeah? Talk about Ghostbusters? No. Ah, that's a surprise. No, what do you mean it's a surprise? I kind of talked out about Ghostbusters at the moment. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's... Talk about Ghostbusters.

No. Talk about Ghostbusters in your underpants, you creep. I want it on public record. This is a public record podcast. Phil Murray's character is a sex offender. I can't argue that. Yeah, he really is. Yeah, I can't really argue that.

You know, in this day and age You know He wouldn't be good He wouldn't be a role model So what is the film today On Gannon's bottom shelf? So I basically went to A charity shop a few weeks ago

And I bought this on VHS I used to have it on VHS And in the midst of time You lose it It is the film The Garbage Pail Kids Movie Ah Have you seen it?

No So, do you know what The Garbage Pail Kids are though? I used to collect Garbage Pail Kids cards when I was in boarding school. There was a big thing, big craze. A big craze. I was a huge craze. I was a huge craze.

You were? Yeah. I was popular, lols, and I was collected. I don't know if you'd made the fucking Milky Bar Kid audition instead of puking up. I didn't puke. I cried. And then you couldn't do it. When they put me in front of the casting director,

apparently I cried every time they asked me to say the Milky Bars are on me. Oh, poor little Paul doesn't want to say the Milky Bars are on him. To an eight-year-old kid you're making fun, an eight-year-old version of me, you're like, oh, I'm going to mock you over time. Poor little Paul pooed his pants.

That's the wrong kind of chocolate, Paul. Bum chocolate. Wow. Your comedy tonight is fucking wicked. Bum chocolate, willy-willy, wanky. Wow, you're really fucking nailing it tonight. Sorry, I'm sorry. I know you're tentative about that.

Am I tentative? Sensitive? It was a big craze. Yeah. We thought they were brilliant. We were that age when you're a sort of teenager. Because it was naughty. Young teenager. And you just thought, that's you're sort of a teenager, young teenager,

and you just thought, that's fucking cool, isn't it? It's rude. All zits, all zits spewing. Sick. All pass. Blood and gore. Yeah.

But our school banned them. If you were caught with garbage pile kids cards, they were taken off you. Just makes it even more illicit and great, doesn't it? But I knew where all the cards were kept, so guess who nicked a pile from the teacher's desk? Oh, really? oh really oh yeah he just thought no one would go in his desk drawer between lessons what was his name i want to say davidson or peterson or something son it's that kind of name mr let's say mr peterson meter peterson yeah let's call him meter peterson so meter peterson

was a teacher and actually I didn't like him much because he wants he took your fucking he wants to tell me off because we were in assembly once

yeah and I was all bunged up with a blocked nose yes and I was you know because I used to sit on the floor cross-legged

because you were in junior school because you were in junior school and you used to go to assemblies and sit on the floor cross-legged in rows and then older kids would get the school and you used to go to assemblies and sit on the floor cross-legged in rows. Yeah, but all the young kids had to sit

and then the older kids would get the seats in the back. And there was a teacher doing a kind of Peter Paul poem. Run away Peter, run away Paul. And he had his hand. At assembly, that sounds dry. It was for some reason, I don't know. Either way, he was doing the whole hand gesture thing and then he stuck two fingers up by

accident at the kids. You know, by accident because he was counting to two. He went to. I thought it was very funny. And I snorted. And I blew out from my nose the biggest snot I think I'd ever had in my body. And it flew out of my nose and onto the back of the girl cross-legged in front of me. And I was like, oh no, the great big snotty snot hanging off her back.

How did she notice? Well, not at that point. But I tried to scrape it onto my hand. So I was scraping it down off her back into my hand. But she thought we were playing that game you played at school where you used to write letters and numbers on someone's back and you had to guess it. She was friends, was she? Yeah.

Was she a lover? No, we were like eight or something. This is my Milky Bar kid period. I went for puberty when I was at nine. Congratulations, Eli Silverman. You win puberty. Here's your fucking award. I didn't win puberty.

Oh, it's a loneliness for the next 30 years of your life. What the fuck is that me for? Yeah. Wow, I'm trying to help you tell the story. You know what, bro? So anyway, I'm scraping the snot off her back. Yes. And she keeps turning around and saying,

is it the letter S? Because thinking we're playing a game. And then I was like, yeah. So anyway, I had this bogey in my hand. You managed to get most of it off her back. Into my hand. And then for the rest of the assembly, I held this snot in my hand.

Did it go hard? Well, no. It was all movable. It was all jelly-like. It was all wobbly in my hand. So assembly finishes, and we're all walking back to class

and there and then suddenly Peter Peterson sees me and goes what have you got in your hand boy and I would and slobbed it all

down in my mouth oh god I thought it was going to end with you being told off he did he told me off for eating my snot

did he know he knew that was what you were doing the bottom line is I nicked those Garbage Pail Kids cards as revenge for that not just revenge He did. He told me off for eating my snot. Did he know? He knew that was what you were doing? The bottom line is, I nicked those Garbage Pail Kids cards. As revenge for that? Not just revenge.

I was a naughty child. You certainly were. And I had, therefore, the biggest collection in school. That's why you weren't the Milky Bar kid, because you were an outlaw. I was an outlaw. You were a bandito. I was an edgy young child.

Tell me, Paul. Yes. Did the Milky Bar kid in the classic advert days have some kind of nemesis? I think so. The Bourneville boy. And he was... The Mars Bar Maverick.

Actually, no. When you think of the implications of that, it's quite racist. Yeah. When you think about the idea of... That's fine too. Who would the nemesis of the Milky Bar Kid be? I don't know. Someone of colour?

It probably would be. Anyway, let's not go there. Let's not go down that avenue. Let's not go down there. And that's probably the exact same conversation they had at Nestle. Yeah. So, Garbage Hold Kids cards were designed by Topps. Topps did trading cards and chewing gum.

He bought them in packs. Did they do Bazooka Joe? No. They took over Bazooka Joe. Maybe. But that was the classic one where you used to get a little comic strip on the wrapper. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

But Topps specialised mainly in kind of shot cards. So back in the, I want to say 60s, they had dinosaur attacks and Mars attacks cards, where each card had a dramatic, gory attack of a dinosaur eating a person or an alien burning someone with a death ray. They were outraged at the time. And obviously, Mars attacks turned into a Tim Burton movie

called... Fuck off! It's like mate willy willy wanky burping down the thing bum chocolate mate

it was called Mars Attacks it was called Mars Attacks anyway I like Mars Attacks I like it a lot it's better than

Independence Day yeah I went there yeah it's better than Independence Day but you know but I like subversive shit right so

in any way as a reaction no as a reaction to Cabbage Patch Kids in America, which were those grotesquely cute crazed dolls that everyone went mad for.

Which we covered on Silverman's Platters quite recently. I believe we did with their concept album, yes. The reaction to it was to be subversive and release Garbage Pail Kids. They were very fun. And I believe the first early designs were by that very famous artist who went on to do the graphic novel Mouse. Art Spiegelman.

Thank you. He designed, I think, I might be wrong, but some of the iconic first characters like Atom... Atom Boy. Atom, no, whatever his name was. Atom... Bomb. Adam Bomb.

Yeah. Anyway, they were a craze. Huge. It was a cartoon series as well. And eventually, a movie. A live action movie. And Boy Howdy is that movie fucking awful really oh the plot is right so the plot is there's a kid i can't remember his

fucking name right now but there's a kid who gets bullied a lot and he fancies the girl who's with the local school bully and she looks 20 and he looks 15. It's that kind of casting. Then one day he goes to work for some magic dude played by, of all people, Anthony Newley. Anthony Newley, one of the most respected, admired songwriters and performers of his generation. Was he a songwriter? Yeah, because he wrote the music for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

and things like that. So he was well respected. Did he? Yeah. Didn't he just perform? No, he wasn't in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and things like that. So he was well respected. Yeah. Didn't he just perform? No, he wasn't in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And Anthony Newley, also a big influence on David Bowie's singing style. Apparently so.

Yeah. He's got that kind of mockney kind of thing going on. Oh, governor. Oh, I'm a northern guy. Certainly in the early days, yeah. I have a big wonga. Ah. I do want to try and keep

parts of this podcast highbrow. It's not always possible, ladies and gentlemen, but we try. I have a single. But I have a co-host whose mind is, frankly, a bag of shit. I've got a single, an Anthony Newley and Delia Derbyshire of the Radio Phonic Orchestra

single, which was like a theme tune for a little TV series that he was never going to make. Oh. And I think we should play that on the show. All right.

When? On the next... All right, okay. That's all right. Let's do that. All right, good. So we'll have a little Noolie moment. Yeah, yeah.

All right, cool. But what I thought we'd do is... So anyway, I can get the plot out of the way. So he goes to work for Anthony Newly. He's this mysterious guy who has a brick and brick

magic shop. Last 80s roles, yeah. When he probably just said yes to most things offered. So he goes to work with them. One day, the naughty boy, Dodger is the character's name.

Dodger, right? So... Subtle. Yeah. No. Knocks over a garbage pail in the Britain. We like to call it

a rubbish bin. Yes. Because we're civilised. Could have a garbage canail in the Britain. We like to call it a rubbish bin. Yes. Because we're civilised. Called a garbage can, I thought. Doesn't matter. Trash can. I wonder why they went for pail rather than can. Because it had the structure of garbage pail kids.

Cabbage patch. Cabbage patch dolls. You know what I mean? I think they were just playing on alliteration or assonance. Yeah, but so does garbage can. Shut up! Right, so. What?

So, no, That's me. So, no, I love you. Can I just say wee-wee or something? He knocks over a bin and then all this slime comes out and then the naughty, naughty Garbage Pail kids crawl out. And they are animatronic puppets.

They are little people, small people. In rubber suits. In rubber suits and rubber heads that are animatronic. Awful animatronics. And they're a collection of some of the early

original garbage patch kids characters. Garbage Pell kids characters. Yes. Such as Valerie Vomit, a girl who vomits. Alligator, who's a small little thing

who looks like an alligator. He liked to eat toes. Anyway, across the board in this film, it's ill-advised, ugly to look at. You feel dirty watching it. It's got moments that,

for a kids film, have no place in being in a kids film. What, sexualised moments? Describe them. No, I'm not going to, certainly with you lying there, with your legs open at me, and you're going,

describe them, like I'm going to turn you on. You might. Would you like to watch the trailer? Let's watch the trailer. Okay. Can't see anything. It's black, I think, still.

This looks like a horror film opening. Once upon a time, or was it more recently, there was a young boy named Dodger. Was that Harold Ramis? Anthony Newell. Wow, she really does look older than him. But, in real life, they were actually boyfriend and girlfriend. Really?

Yeah. Captain Mancini. Which is broth and vampire's brew. Make these clothes as good as new. Dodger has never had a family or a friend he could call his own. Until now. Green slime. What is that? They came out to help us. Meet the Garbage Pail Kid. Starring Matt Nair. Windy Winston.

He's the one who farts. Messy Tessie. She just makes a mess. Oh, he's biting her bum. He's like the Elvis one. The Garbage Pail Kids movie. They may not be pretty, but boy, they make great friends. Starring Anthony Newley and Mackenzie Aston.

The Garbage Pail Kids movie. Yeah, that looks nasty and weird. They are going for that. It's a bit like E.T. because a young boy meets a little creature that will change his life forever. But what are they going to be? It turns out that these are kids from,

I don't know if it's another dimension or something, but there's a scene in this film where they try and rescue the other Garbage Pail kids who are held in a mental institution. Right. And you don't see them, but you hear their cries and their screams. And basically the film outright implies that they all die because they all get put into the back of a garbage truck and then crushed.

That's what the film implies. Wow. Dark. There's scenes where the characters fart and vomit and sneeze. And then, right towards the end, because the plot is that basically Dodger wins Tangerine the girl's heart by designing... She's called Tangerine? Yeah.

By designing trendy fashionable clothes which, as you can imagine, are fucking horrible! Right. Horrible clothes but there's a scene where all the garbage pail kids, these horrible little children thing monsters, have a lovely sing and a dance and make a lovely Disney-esque moment where they all sing about

being friends and how great they are and then stitch together so, we can do anything when we will work together la la la good message why should we do something nice, let's quit now that's my advice we can do anything by working

with each other I ain't gonna work for free, tell me what's in this for me we can do anything by working with each other. I ain't gonna work for free. Tell me what's in this for me. We can do anything by working with each other. Come on, kids, take a shot. Show them what we really got. We can do anything by working with each other. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Can't stop now. We've got it all to do. And we are me and you. And then the film ends on a finale where Valerie vomit baths across everyone in the audience. And there's people being sick. And the alligator bites. Oh, so it breaks the fourth wall. And you were in the audience. No, no, no. It's just the people in the... and there's people being sick and alligator bites.

Oh, so it breaks the fourth wall? No, no, no, just the people in the, because there's a fashion show at the end. She baths all over them. Everyone gets their comeuppance because of the Garbage Pail Kids. It's awful. Really bad. I love the Garbage Pail Kids and I think I remember being a kid thinking, this is weird and I like it. Then you watch it back and you think,

it's weird and I don't like it. Bad touch. Bad touch movie. It's a bad touch movie. It is. And Mackenzie Astin. In a similar way to How the Duck in the movie, slightly. Again, a film with a great concept, awful execution.

I mean, this isn't a great concept, the Garbage Pail Kids. No, but you can see why they did it, because it was huge. Why didn't they just do an animated feature? Well, why didn't they? I don't know. I mean, they did do a cartoon series eventually, because it was huge. Why didn't they just do an animated feature? Well, why didn't they? I don't know. I mean, they did do a cartoon series eventually, but it was cheap and stuff like that. Was that a hit, the Garbage Bags movie?

No. No, no, no. No. It's awful. Yeah. Yeah, bad. No, no. And are they collectible, is what I wanted to ask as well.

Is this VHS? No. Oh, the cards? Yeah. Have they had original ones from back then? I don't know. It depends on how good condition they are, if they're original,

even if they're sealed. I mean, you wouldn't know. You know what I mean? Because you can buy them pretty cheap sealed, the original lineup on eBay and stuff like that. Yeah, they're probably not that. I think Stuart Ashen's even done a video. He does, yeah.

They're not worth that much, are they? I don't think so. I think it's more of a novelty thing. You get them in loot crates and shit. I wouldn't mind getting some, yeah. I'd like it. There's a book out, actually, that has the Garbage Pail Kids book I think it's more of a novelty thing. You get them in loot crates and shit. I wouldn't mind getting some, yeah. I'd like it. There's a book out, actually, that has the Garbage Pail Kids book,

and it's about the, it's like history about the history of the cards, and then all the pictures, and all the backs of them as well. That's better than having the cards. Yeah, so I think so. So that's a good book to get your hands on. And it's covered, that's wrapped in it.

It's the same wrapper they used to wrap the gum in. So it's like your hardback cover book. Very lovely. So I'm going to give it, on my bottom shelf, I'm going to give it on my bottom shelf I'm going to give it one bottom out of five bottoms

on my bottom shelf is this what we're doing now bottoms oh I'm sorry are you getting on your high horse because you're Mr. Willy Willy Wanky and Mr. Bum Chocolate and then whatever you did

you burped I think that's better I think that's more funny than like one bum out of ten bums I mean that's bullshit put something into it Paul think about it I'm going to give you such a slapping I'm going to give you such a whack funny than like one bum out of ten bums i mean that's bullshit put something into it paul think

about it i'm gonna give you such a slapping i'm gonna give you such a whack every week is the threat of physical violence yeah it's sexual harassment oh that's what it fucking is you're in your pants thrusting your knob jockey at me it's not a knob jockey thrusting your lumpy gravy bowl at me. Go on. What other... What other part... How other ways do you want to describe my love junk? Dirty string basket full of mouldy potatoes. Doesn't even...

That would make sense. Big rummaging bum bag of poo. God, you... This is pathetic. Come on, let's do this. Let's finish this. Let's finish this. Let's finish this. It's not a good film.

Ah. So. Yeah? What are we doing next in the show? Have you been paying attention? Yes. Oh, sorry. I had the mic the wrong way around.

Introduce the second of the show. Show me you've been paying attention. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've enjoyed the show today. We've had a bit of brand off, brand off. What's this? What's what? It's not an introduction. I'm just summing up what's

happened so far. Why? It's only been an hour. Do you think people just don't remember things? You don't. Well, I'm not listening to you. So, to finish the show, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to play a little game. As is our want. As is our whim.

As is our muster. As is our must... As is our little desire of the winky. It's been a long day for me. Bullshit. We're going to play a game to finish the show, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, we're going to. I went to a charity shop in...

Where did I go? Where did I get this? Oxfam in Cambridge now see Oxfam overpriced in some respects but you know it's a charity you should really complain

I once saw a Jackson 5 album in an Oxfam shop for £150 was it a particularly rare album it must have been because they must have

done the research but seriously but haven't you said in the past they don't check the condition? They don't. They just look at the sleeve and discogs information. But they don't realise that the top end prices

only go for near mint or mint coffees. Actually, before I forget, I'd like to put a shout out to anyone who listens to Cheap Show and maybe works in a charity shop. If you've got any stories from your time there of weird things you've seen or weird people

like, I don't know, short, hairy angry men who go into your charity shop and haggle pathetically. I don't haggle in charity shops. Two for one. I don't haggle in real life. I'm very British like that. Have you ever gone into a shop and said, give me some money off? Only once.

When I tried to buy a laptop and I played off two stores against each other. Fair enough. And I was terrified. It felt like I was doing a bank job. It just doesn't seem natural. The other shop says it's just 250. It's just not something that's very common

in our culture, is it? No. It's strange. Because you watch these antique shows and they do do it. Yeah, on bargain hunts. Yeah. Oh, we should have played the bargain hunt, mate.

You know what I was watching the other day. We'd be shit though because you put it to only 50 quid and this one thing that shit is at 45. Do you want a haggle? 45 quid?

All right. Then we'd just buy it. Go on. I saw Davidson's Real Deal. Have you seen that? That sucks so badly. I don't think it's very good. I've not seen a lot of it.

Do you know what? There's a real crisis in daytime TV now. I saw a game show Yeah. Do you know what? There's a real crisis in daytime TV now. I saw a game show hosted by Warwick Davis called Tenable. Okay, I thought they might have gone for a pun based on his

size. No, they weren't mocking his smallness. Tiny chances. He's not like a brilliant host. He's just a small person. Are you saying small people shouldn't present TV? He just isn't.

He's an actor. He's not like, you know, he's not like a TV personality. When you said the word actor, why did you like do air quotations? I didn't.

You did. You visibly did. Why? I fucking didn't. My hand twitched. No, you did air quotations. I've got nerve problems. You did air quotations

suggesting to me that you don't think Warren Davis is an actor. He's an actor. He's a good actor. In fact, I believe you said to me he was a conundrum. That was your word for him.

If you're trying to imply that I've got some kind of bias or bigotry towards small people. Yeah. No. Because I am small. Yes, you are. I mean, you would be. I'm on the, as we know. As we know. I'm on the, oh God, don't do that. I'm on the, on the

line of being a dwarf. Are you? Wow. How proud you must be. I thought I was 5'5 for several years. I'm 5'3. It was called Tenable, and you just literally had to guess the top ten of something,

and then it was like ten spaces, like pointless. You could have called it Decimate by that logic then. That would be better. Oh, hang on. Didn't Ash say he went on a show it Decimate by that logic then. That would be better. Oh, didn't... Oh, hang on. Didn't Ash say he went on a show called Decimate and he won money by accident? No, that was Pointless.

He was on Pointless. He wasn't on Pointless. Oh, no, he was on Decimate. Because it was like Shane Ritchie, blah, blah, blah, because he's best mates with Shane Ritchie. But anyway, so it's like you have to guess the ones in the top 10. And if you can't guess all of them in the top 10... A bit like Pointless.

Extremely like Pointless. Was it on ITV? Not as good, yes. It was on ITV2 or something. You know? I mean, what we should do... And do you know what the first top 10 was? Top 10?

Most popular people in the Kardashians. Or like most... You know what I mean? I'm just like, this is killing me. It was so boring. The fact that there were 10 Kardashians of note... And they had one team. They had like one family.

So it was like one team from Family Feud, but no other team. So it's like, who are you competing against? Think out your bloody format. No, just, you know, it was awful. It was awful, Paul. Awful. Right, okay, just hold it close to you now. That sounds wrong. Anyway, we are playing a game I found at a

charity shop, the Oxfam there. Christ, how do we get from Oxfam to fucking whatever we were just talking about? I've forgotten. That's pathetic. What were we talking about? Dwarves. Where am I? What the fuck's all this? You're in your pants. Oh! Right, we're playing a game called Accentuate.

I found it in Oxfam. It was £1.69. Actually quite cheap. It comes with dice and a few more rules and an egg timer kind of thing, but we're not going to use that. We're not actually going to compete. We are going to play five cards each, right? And randomly you pick an accent and there are points involved.

So, after five games we'll see how many points we've got. Now, how do you win points, Eli? Don't look at me like that! Fuck it, Al! No, it's just whenever you start explaining the rules. It's so funny.

You get this kind of just keep talking and make the bad man go away look in your eyes. So, how do you win points, Paul? Okay, the game is like this. There's one stack of cards. Yes. And that stack of cards has phrases on. Yeah. Such as, looking at the top card.

Okay. A computer is almost human, except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer. That's the quote, right? Do we know who says the quote? No, actually, it doesn't. They're all quotes. It's from somewhere. Something someone said.

From somewhere, somewhere. Now, how do you win a point? Well, at random, you pick a card from the white pile, and that one has an accent on. Picked it random. Here's one. one Cornish which gives you one point to win that point now now to win that point you would have to say to me in your Cornish accent that phrase yes and I have to guess it if I guess it correctly I get that point okay if I don't you get that point well then it Well, then there's a motivation for me not to do the accent very well.

Oh. Are you sure? No, it must be if you guess it correctly. But then I would be like, I don't know. Let's not compete. Let's just play this straight, okay, and fair. I want to win something because you're going to be awful at this, and I might win.

If you had read the rules of this game, you would know. I'm looking. Read the rules. And I've dropped my elastic band. No, I'm old. That's accents. Read the rules. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, no way. Pass, roll. This is just what the dice does, and I didn't bring the dice because the dice is pointless. Oh, my God. Look, we'll just do it randomly, and we'll see how... If I can guess your accent, we both... You win a point.

No matter what happens, you win a point. Okay. Right? But I will still win because you won't get a point. Accenture, I don't know how to score this now. Yeah, it's difficult, isn't it? It doesn't say on the rules.

It just tells you what the dice does. Play, there's no way out no matter how awful it is. You have to read the quotation in the chosen accent. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Every correct guess wins points

but it doesn't say what points. You have to pick another team's quotation card. No way. You can pop it into the pack. It doesn't tell me rules. It doesn't tell me nothing. It doesn't tell me nothing. Doesn't tell me nothing.

It doesn't tell me nothing, Eli. I quite like this voice. Do you like this voice, Eli? I don't know what to do. Let's just give it a go. All right, OK, ready? Yeah. Here we go. Give me a quote.

You pick one at random. Just say stop. Stop. Okay, pick that card. Right. Okay, I've got that quote. You've got the quote. Now... Got the quote ready?

You have to read me that quote in English, right? In your normal voice. In my normal voice? Yes. Okay. The quote is what? Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn sometimes okay right now you've got to do it again in an accent to me the accent will be at random

again pick a card at random and what is that no don't tell me the accents you just have to have say that quote to me now in that accent and i have to get let's just see if i can guess what it is okay here we go ladies and gentlemen the same quote but in the accent that I do not know oh oh fuck this is not good

if this is Chinese we have just lost a ton of listeners got it in one mate is that Chinese you knew it three points I get you did it by doing

the Fu Manchu voice sorry wow You did it! Three points I get. You did it by doing the Fu Manchu voice. Sorry. Wow. You knew it was Chinese didn't you? I did and I feel bad for knowing it was Chinese. Let's hope it's a less racially sensitive... I should have maybe checked these cards before we started playing. When was this game manufactured?

Quite recently. I think it's only a couple of years old. It's got an accent, isn't it? Yeah, but I've suddenly realised the flaw in this game. Everyone's got an accent, Paul. That's their nation. They're not a race. They're a nation, okay? Okay, well, I'm just now concerned.

They're a race and a nation. But, yeah, whatever. I'm going to pick a quote. Let's hear the quote in your normal voice. Here's the quote in your normal voice. Here's the quote in my normal voice. Humour is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities. I can't read it. Oh, come on, try again.

Humour is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them. It's quite a tongue twister, actually. Yes, and I'm not looking forward to doing it in a wacky accent. Now, I need to guess this accent Yeah Okay

Oh Do it Juma I don't know Juma is our way Of defending ourselves From life's uncertainties By thinking absurdly

About them Mexican Yeah Yeah I like this Do you Yeah I think we're going to get complaints

Come on give me one. Oh, right. Okay. Just again, pick it. I'm picking a quote card here, ladies and gentlemen. Just split the pack. Why do you have to do that and fanny around? And in a neutral voice.

Yes. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast. Close to your mouth because you're actually really quiet. Sorry. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you're after it as when you're on it. In it. I'll try that again. Try it again.

I'm not going to mock, because I have my own difficulties, and I shouldn't. I'm going to go easy on you. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you're after it as when you're in it. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Right. Oh, the dry wit of that. Wow. Right, so now just split the pack, take the top card, and that's your accent again.

Do not tell me the accent. You took it from the top, did you, this time? Yes. Fine. Okay. Here is the accent version of that quote. Hit me with it. Eh, a boss is a vehicle that runs fast.

Don't put yourself through it. It's fast when you're after it, it's when you're, ugh, eh, eh, eh, in it yourself through it. Scouse. As fast as you're after it as when you're... Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! It's not what you think Scouse is. Just go, ugh! Like everything's disgusting. Look at this look at this book! It's a vehicle! So I'm not that shit at accents because you got it straight away.

I beg to differ. 100% score here. Right, okay. I'll pick another quote now. Well, someone who shits accents, you wouldn't be able to tell what accent it is. It's my turn. Here is my quote. You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty. Very true. Which is exactly like what it feels

like to sit in this fucking room. I feel dirt. I feel like I'm getting dirtier by just sitting here. Mate, anytime you're not scrubbing, you are getting dirty. It doesn't matter where you are. Accent. Here we go. I think, with some

confidence, you'll have no problem with me reading this out in the accent that I have randomly just chosen. Here we go. A diddly diddly. You don't want to- what? Racist. I'm sorry from the guy who did the most racist Chinese accent. At least I didn't make a noise that sort of implied it. You said a diddly diddly. That's racist. You don't know what I'm about to say.

Irish. No. Don't you see? No. You didn't say word one of the quote, did you? You just went a diddly diddly. You're anti-Irish and you're a prick. I am Irish. I have Irish podony. Oh, that excuses me.

My best friend is Irish. I have a friend who's Irish. All right. I'm going to do it anyway. I've got more than one friend who's Irish. I'm going to do it anyway. I have more than one friend. It's not a I'm going to do it anyway. I've got more than one friend who's Irish. I'm going to do it anyway. I have more than one friend. It's not a competition. They actually are from Ireland. Yeah? Yeah.

Huh? So? Okay, do it. Okay. Irish. A diddly diddly. What? I've got to get into character.

That's how I do it. Potato. Shut up. Here we go. You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty. Yeah? Wasn't bad, Paul. Thank you very much.

Very broad and kind of... The back does it in the post. One more for me? Oh, we could play this till the cows come home. We could. Split the pack. Get it out. That's well done.

I think you picked two cards there. Did you? No, just the one. Well done. I think you picked two cards there. Did you? No, just the one. Well done. And in plain old English brogue. Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of others. And once again, I'm going to remind you to put your microphone closer to your mouth. Because now it's getting on my knob.

Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves. Oh. I have a very deep knowledge of myself. You'd have to. And I'm very suspicious of others. Yes. And you're usually really aroused. Yeah, try and speak.

So, one more time. In normal. Yeah, because that kind of wasn't. Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves. And in the accent. Here we go. I'm selecting it randomly now. Split the pack, yes.

You know what the accent is? Yes. Okay. And you want to read that again? Hit me with it. Shut up. Shut up. Where's this going?

Most of us. Oh, dear. A must of our... Don't. How about I just say what I think it is? No, you've got to... I'm... That wasn't it. I'm really worried.

No, that wasn't it. I'm really worried with this is going. A must of our suspicions... Mate, I don't want to hear this. I'm really... Listen, just give it... Mate. Listen, you have to listen to this.

This better be Welsh. A must of our suspicions of others are roused by our knowledge of ourselves. I don't know how they speak. Is it Welsh? No. Is it Indian? No. Then I have no idea.

What was it? Egyptian. Huh. Hard, eh? I'm quite hard, yes. Well, they're Africans. So I gave that a bit of an African thing, didn't I? I mean...

I think we're still getting complaints about this episode. I'm going to... Let's do a quote. Ready? Here we go. Oh, my quote is quite long. But I'll tackle it with gusto. Go on.

A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. That is my quote. But what is my accent? I'm splitting the pack. I'm picking the top card. Yeah, you see? That's what I thought when I read Egyptian. Oh dear.

A candidate is someone who gets money from the poor and protects them from each other. That's very poor, but I can see what you're going for there. It is South African. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Why do you hate that so much?

I thought this would be jolly. It's not jolly. It's just not jolly. This is not jolly at all. Do you want to do one more? I'll do one more. Let's not jolly. It's just not jolly. This is not jolly at all. Do you want to do one more then? I'll do one more. Let's do one more. Let's do one more.

Right, so... Give me a quote. I'll pick one. Here we go. Split the pack. Top. This is a game for bigoted families, Paul. I do worry about...

Yeah, it totally is. ...this. Right. Okay. And the weakness of the humour of the quotes is starting to grind. You know what I mean? Yeah, okay, go on. Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Oh! I see what he did there. This is like opening the worst smug crackers at Christmas. Yeah, racist crackers. That's what they should be called. Right, so give me an accent. A lot of crackers are racist. If you get what my meaning is. You mean white crackers? White crackers. That's what they should be called. Right, so give me an accent. A lot of crackers are racist. If you get what my meaning is.

You mean white crackers? White crackers. Like what they call white trash in America? Yeah. Crazy cracker. Okay. Right. Here we go.

I'm splitting the pack here. And your accent is the top card here. I don't want to look at it. Yeah. You got this? Yes. Okay. Fives out of four people have trouble

refractions. What do you think? No idea. I'll try again. Go on. Five out of four. Oh shit, I'm so bad. Just like that, Eli's acting career became a way too

sober proposal. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Right. Go on. What have I been nominated for Paul? For my short film. The film was nominated. The terrible actor. Were you directly given

a best actor award? I was nominated for one. Did you win it? Liftoff Festival. Did you win it? It's still to be announced. Best actor. Really?

Best. If you win this. Actor. And also the film's won two awards. Okay. So I can't have shit acting in it, can it, Paul?

No. Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. French? Is it French? German. That was fucking German. I can't do German.

No, you can't. How would you do it? Get me into the mood. Give me the card so I can read it. Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. That sounds French. That sounds French to me. We can't do German.

Nine. Do another one. My last one. German's really tough, actually. Humour is always based upon a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? God, that's really bad. That's really bad. I mean, I don't think they're really here to... I've got a joke, Paul. Ohin-law? God, that's really bad. That's really bad.

I mean, I don't think they're really here to... I've got a joke, Paul. Oh. Do you want to hear one? Go on. This is good, yeah? Oh, here we go.

My dad told me this. Oh, no. Right? Yeah. There's this guy and he's a travelling salesman, yeah? Right.

And he's going through a town. Is this a long joke? No. He's travelling salesman and he's going through a town. He's going through a town. Yeah. And he's at a bit of a loose end of the evening, yeah? Okay. He's travelling salesman going through town. He's going through town. Yeah. And he's at a bit of a loose end

of the evening. Okay. He's done all his travelling. He's done his sailing for the day. Right. And he doesn't know what to do with himself. Maybe it's the afternoon

but he's not catching a coach till tomorrow. Okay. He's got some time to kill. He's got some time to kill. And he's wandering around the streets. He sees this poster The Great Stipendo.

Oh. Come and see The Amazing Stipendo. Yeah. Come and see The Amazing Stipendo. Yeah. He thinks, oh, okay. Okay. Side show.

I'll go and watch that. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. And so he pays his money, goes into this little tent. Yeah. Guy comes out.

He's got, and he's The Great Stipendo. Yeah. He's got a dressing gown on. Oh, has he? And he opens the dressing gown. Huge penis. Oh. And he walks over to the table. The table has he? And he opens the dressing gown. Huge penis. Oh.

And he walks over to the table. The table has three walnuts on it. Yeah. I can see where this is going. And he takes his penis. Yeah. And he cracks the walnuts. Your dad told you this joke.

He cracks the walnuts one after another. Yeah. Which is a skill in itself. Well, that's why he's the Stupendo. That's his act. Yeah. And the guy claps amazing. Brilliant. Yeah. Yeah. And he leaves the Stupendo. That's his act. Yeah. And the guy claps amazing. Brilliant. Yeah. Yeah. And

he leaves the next day. What a waste of a big dick. He leaves the next day and then several years later, let's say three or four years later, fine by me, he returns to that town. Does he? Yeah. And he's like, okay, here. What's happening?

He sees the poster again the case of Pindo still going can't believe it I'm going to go see him again oh memories so he goes in same deal pays his money

and the guy opens his again your dad told you this joke he opens his dressing gown dressing gown but the table three coconuts on it that's he's gone up to coconuts now

yeah right okay yeah and the guy takes his massive knob and cracks the coconut Coconuts on it. He's gone up to coconuts now. Right. Okay. Yeah. And the guy takes his massive knob and cracks the coconuts open. Wow. Oh, wow. That's an act.

He's really been practicing. Yes. Yeah. And so he talks to him afterwards. He's sort of having a chat in the bar, in the lobby. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Getting to know him.

Mate, you're going to ruin my joke by being a cunt. Go on. And he goes up to him and goes, last time I saw you, it was walnuts um how have you managed to you know move on to coconuts he goes well you know as you get older your eyesight starts to go so i have the quote humor is always based on a modicum of truth. There's a truth in that. I'm editing that out. No. So, here, I'm going to pick an accent.

Alright? Should have told that joke in an accent. Here's the card. This will be shit. I think I'm quite confident with this one. Here we go. G'day. Humour is what? You see you're doing it again

Anyone can say g'day It's not the quote You've been losing points You've cheated You've cheated with the Irish And you've cheated with the It's how I get into the role It's utter fucking bollocks

And that's Australian Just give me one I don't want to hear it Humour is always based on the modicum of truth Have you ever heard of a joke about a father in law? That was terrible It was alright Give me one. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. Human is always based on the modicum of truth. Have you ever heard of a joke about a father in law? That was terrible. It was alright. You're a cunt and that was terrible and you cheated.

Okay. Next one. There you go. Which I won't cheat by giving a little cue. Like, you know, like if you got American, you'd go yippee yay or something. Yee-haw, I'd say. You fucking cunt. I'd say yee-haw.

Howdy, stranger. Exactly. Yeah. And that wouldnhaw, I'd say. You fucking cunt. I'd say, yee-haw. How are they, stranger? Exactly. Yeah. And that wouldn't be on the card. And you'd be cheating. And ruining the game. Get aye. And diddly diddly dee.

And fucking ruining the pace of my joke telling. Fuck you. Honestly. It wasn't a great joke. Right, do you want to hear? I mean, I get it. But I thought it was going to build to something else. I thought it was rule of three.

Like, it's going to go back a third time. And there were grapes. And he bashes his knob. And then what would the gag be? And then the gag is, oh, why have you gone from coconuts to grapes? And he goes, my penis is dead. You laughed at that, though. No, it's just because it's so pathetic.

I am the king of jokes. I am the king of jokes. I laughed. Say, I am the king of jokes I am the king of jokes Say I am the king of jokes No Say it Say I am the king of jokes Say Paul is the king of jokes

Fuck Say Paul is the king of jokes Paul is Say it A huge Say is the king of jokes Cunt Right

Right You ready for this? I'm not going to say you You ready for this? Go on. I'm not going to say you're the king of jokes. Go on. Oh god, this is tiresome. So tiresome. Get on with it.

The quote is, a conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. Right. And in the accent, which I won't cheat. Alright. Oh, the valleys. And the great thing is, I still don't know. A conclusion. Is there simply the place where you got tired of thinking?

The valley singing and that. Well, that is Welsh. It is Welsh. Can we stop? That was brilliant. Can we stop, please? Yeah, that's it. Wow.

We win. If we've, please? Yeah, that's it. Wow. We win. If we've offended anyone by playing that game, we do genuinely apologise, don't we, Eli? No, I don't. Oh, okay. I do, then. Just stop listening to the podcast. No.

Do you think anyone who's easily offended has even got this far in any of our episodes? I don't know. No. We're not an offensive podcast, though. We have been known to cause offence. Have we? Who got offended? Me mum.

Did she? What, the whole thing about... When I said pissing in a... Pissing in a fanny, yeah. Yeah, that's not good, is it? Mum wasn't happy about that. I didn't mean... I wasn't...

I was just play acting. Say sorry to my mum. Sorry, Mrs. Cannon. Thank you. And that's Cheap Show for this episode what episode was it? 58 yes

title unknown at this point I usually come up with it after I've done the edit little bit peek behind the curtain if you want to follow us on Twitter

at the Cheap Show pod I'm on Twitter at Paul Gannon Show Eli's is Eli Snowid E-L-I-S-N-o-i-d and if you want to see pictures that accompany this very podcast and videos and clips and all sorts go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk and finally thank you to everyone who has donated and continues to donate

on patreon can i just say something oh is this about the nuzzle thing yes i'll creep in your night no i'm not gonna say that i just going to do one little soundbite. All right. Naza waza waza waza waza. You have been exemplary in terms of humour tonight. Thank you, Paul. You really have been great. Oh, thank you very much. Entertainment and value.

And I think that is it. Any questions, get in touch with us on Twitter or on our Facebook page or our Reddit page, reddit.com forward slash r forward slash Cheap Show.

And could I just add something? Oh. If you see r forward slash Cheap Show. And could I just add something? If you see something on the Cheap Show Twitter, just know that it's Paul who controls it, and I never talk on it, and he's just being a... He's trying to say... Look, all I'm saying... Oh, dick. Oh, dick. No. No. No.

No. All I'm saying is the views expressed by the Cheap Show Twitter account are not necessarily mine. In fact, they're probably not. They're just Paul's. They're only Paul's because you have no engagement with our community online. You should apologise to them. I said something about noodles the other day.

One thing. By the way. And then you retweet your clanker film because that's all you're really interested in. Go on. Fuck me. Admit it. You're so bitter. Admit it. go on admit it you're so bitter admit it

and on that lovely note thank you for listening to Cheap Show that's it you've done it all you've got nothing to say no

why don't you sign off with your classic line from today's episode classic line from today's episode yeah don't be boring poo the pan

pathetic bye bye everyone bye bye Don't be boring. Poo the pan. Pathetic. Bye bye, everyone.