CheapShow - Ep 61: Don't Touch Me

Episode Date: December 10, 2017

Paul Gannon would like to use this podcast description to apologise for the ongoing antagonism and inappropriate contact between himself and his co-host Eli Silverman. Paul will be taking time to reflect on his actions and behaviour and he sincerely hopes this doesn't affect your enjoyment of Episode 61 of CheapShow. This episode features our very first "Tales from The Shop Floor" with some weird and wonderful Charity Shop stories, as suggested by listeners! It also contains a very generous "Me Casa, Su Casa"which brings a smile to someone's lips (appropriately) and a groan to someone else's (also appropriately). Silverman dishes out more random musical platters and the chaps end on another trip to Double Dare Land with random pop questions that, frankly, Paul doesn't have a chance in answering. He is going to be eating some foul jelly beans! Paul hopes you can, in time, forgive him for his behaviour and a joke so distasteful, we had to edit it out.... And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome again to Cheap Show. I am Eli Silverman. Here is, some would call him a co-host, some would call him the creator and founder of Cheap Show. Anyway, he's important to the show, everyone. It's Paul Gannon, everybody. Oh, lapping at me dick like that. Oh, it makes me happy. Oh, it's very nice for you to be a little bit more, you know, ooh.

Isn't Paul important? Isn't Paul important? And I could bow down before him bowing down bow get on your knees biatch right

good way anyway welcome to the cheap show misogynistic slur from Paul there great brilliant it's not at all

biatch biatch it's what men say to other men what when right go on I hate you and your fucking noodle posse It's what men say to other men. What? Right, go on.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of cheap show. You're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. How's the pick up next? A fight of the shite! This is for Gun and Tank Hello! Eli Silverman! The price of the site This is called Gallantane Hello Eli Silver

Welcome to Cheap Show Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show The economy comedy podcast for your ears And it's getting near Christmas, Eli, isn't it? It's very exciting It is I'm sorry sorry by the way is us having a conversation interrupting your smoking?

No. Because it seemed like you felt very upset when I actually began to speak to you just now as you went to light your cigarette. Listen mate I can do two things at once I'm a multitasker. I can read a novel whilst taking a shit for example That's not multitasking. It fucking is

One is a thing you don't necessarily have to think about too much to do, and the other one is reading. Yeah. Yeah. I can do both of those at once. Alright, I'll let you have that. What other two things can you do at the same time? I can, uh... Spare it. Yeah, fair enough. Anyway, oh, he's gone for

a cigarette. Oh, he's having a drag. Oh, that's the other thing. I can fucking smoke and do a podcast. Yeah, but it's not very cool. Kids don't smoke, by the way. We are not a pro-smoking podcast. I want people to know that. We have our own vices and ills, but we do not expect people to look up to us and copy us.

We are not the cool kids. We certainly are not. And you blowing cigarette smoke all over my lice muffs is... Your lice muffs? My lice muffs? My lice muffs is not going to be good. It's going to stink my muff out. Do you want to stink my muff out with your fags? Oh, now you're coughing. Ladies and

gentlemen, I do my very best to keep this show professional, but unfortunately dirty little... Just call me Spherical Trampball. No, I want to call you the Homeless Hobbit. You are the milky bar kid gone to seed i am that i am that i am what happens when you when the milky bar kid becomes disenfranchised with life what i've got another title yeah pedo geography teacher that's not like a superhero

it's not that's the worst superhero ever oh my kid's not being molested who who can help us don't do it i'm not gonna do it anyway the point being is that it's not much of a superhero and it's not much of a moniker so i prefer you know i prefer jackimo jackimo wearing twat hard yeah hard you're still a wank sock anyway what's going on on the show well we have a packed show today once again we are going back to me casa su casa where we delight each other for a change Once again, we are going back to Mikasa Tsukasa, where we delight each other for a change with something that we found in a charity shop that we thought the opposite would enjoy. It's not an exchange.

It's simply gifts. It's a gift. It's a peace offering. They don't have to equal each other in worth. No. They are separate transactions. Not even transactions. They're gifts. They're gifts. I gift you. It's a pipe of peace. And I say Mikasa, as I

hand you my gift, and then you say Sukasa when I give you my present. My house, your house. Yes. It reminds me of that restaurant that I once saw. Mikasa Sukasa? No. But I'm sure there are restaurants called that. Probably. It was called Pizza World, Curry

World, Curry World, the best of both worlds. Oh! Can you get a curry on a pizza? Oh, yeah. You get chicken tikka curry. Oh, but that's quite nice. Yeah.

Because I'm quite a bit of a snob when it comes to pizza. Oh, so am I. I don't mind experimentation. No. That's what I say. No. Pineapples. Oh, pineapple.

It's just such a cliche now. The thing is... You know, it's not a big deal. I know I go on about the league against fruit with meat, which I'm quite serious about. I know you are. And someone gave me a falafel the other day on this subject. Yeah? Was it a good one?

Sweet potato... No. That's the story. Did it make you feel awful? Yeah, I vomited it down the toilet. Right. And I said... No.

I said... Ta-... No. I said, ta-ra, Marcel Arter. Sheesh. Oh, anyway. There's all our kebab jokes out the way. So I had a falafel. Yeah. It was a sweet potato falafel.

Yeah. What was creeping around as I masticated it in my mouth hole? What? A raisin. A raisin was in there? A dirty current.

Just the one? Well, yeah, but they obviously... It was obviously... I stopped eating then. You know, as soon as I find a fucking lurking raisin in one of my so-called savoury products, such as Bombay Mix or Falafels, where else will this disease spread?

The spread of putting fucking raisins in things. They're terrible with nuts. I don't know why people like them with nuts. Are there any places raisins are appropriate? Just by themselves. Just in a box? Yeah, I like those ones. And you scoff them? Yeah. You don't have them in a salad? Also, in cookies. Oh, you don't mind them in cookies?

In sweet things. I think a raisin in a cookie is appalling. Really? Yeah, I'm not a big fan. You don't like a Gary Baldy? I don't like any of them. Gary Baldy is a raisin biscuit. No, I know which one he fan. You don't like a Gary Baldy? I don't like any of them. Gary Baldy is a raisin biscuit. No, I know which one he is. That's a kind of nice biscuit, isn't it? A raisin biscuit. With a raisin in it.

It's what they sometimes call squashed fly biscuits. Oh, because they look like that. Well, that just makes me want them even more, doesn't it? I mean, it's stupid. It's not this food that looks like something's died on it. This is called the vomit pizza. Oh, do you want my shit eggs? I don't know.

Anyway, else on the show, coming up, we have another trip to Silverman's Plateau. We'll be diving into your 12 inches and pulling out something that may be a big delight to my eyes. It's three sevens. It's three seven inches today. Yes. I'm not greedy. I'll take three sevens. Okay.

But do you know what three sevens would be in numbers? It would be... I can't believe you don't actually know. It'd be 21. Yeah. 7, 14, 21. Okay. You know that times table, yeah? Yes. Not very well. I'm not very good with maths. You're so mean. I'm not mean. If someone was struggling reading

a book, would you go up to them and say, I can read? I can read. Basically, yeah. I am a bit like that I'm sorry because you don't have too many skills in your life I don't have so that's basically what it is you look down on people who have the bare basic level of skills needed to be a human being I find it difficult to be patient with ignorant people

I admit that okay Paul yeah I know what that feels like so and also ending today we're going to be playing a game I found in a charity shop can't wait and there is a... Oh, mate, don't... Fucking smoking. What?

You were talking. No one cares. Yeah, but in the background, you're going to hear this dirty little fag monster go. Fag monster. So you've managed to be misogynistic and homophobic within 10 minutes. Cigarette to call fags. No, you have referred... Yeah.

Yeah. That's a good get out. Because it's true. Yeah. Packet of fags. Ooh. My granddad wouldags. No, you would refer... Yeah. Yeah. That's a good get out. Because it's true. Yeah. Packet of fags. My granddad would say. No, stop it. What are you fucking on about?

Anyway, and then we're going to be doing that, and there's a dare with it as well. We've got the double dare beans back. Double beaning it. Double bean dare back. Oh, God, you're a twat. Dare back. But I'd like to open the show today. Yes.

With... Do you remember a few weeks ago, asked for Tales from the Shop Floor? Where people, if they've had any charity shop adventures or any stories of their own from working in a charity shop or visiting a charity shop... I do remember that. I implored them to get in touch and tell us their stories. Charity Shop Tales, if you will. But it's called Tales from the Shop Floor because I want to be contrary to yours. So here's my jingle for it. Tales from the Shop Floor Yes, that's good Because I want to be contrary to yours So here's my jingle for it

Tales from the Shop Floor No, you're just copying my It's part of a bank of thoughts I'd like to hear more Hang on, how about this then? Tales from the Shop Floor Tales Yeah

Shop Floor Good, yeah Shop Floor, like that, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot. Tails. Yeah. Shop floor. Good. Yeah. Shop floor. Like that. Toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot. Shop floor. Good. Toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot.

I don't know where the flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop. I don't know where the flop, flop bit came in. Anyway, it doesn't matter. We've had a few come in and I thought I'd read them out to start the show off. Can I just ask, before we go into this, Paul, I am excited to hear these. Do any of them involve someone finding a big bag of shit? Nor porn. Porn. There's no porn or shit.

There is one story with a little bit of poo attached. There is. There is a little bit of poo attached. I'm waiting for the pooey ending. As you said once online, watching a porn video. Right, so this one comes from

on Twitter, someone called atthedestex, who's currently, with it being Christmas Eve, called themselves destexthehalls. You see? Destexthehalls. Yes. Here's what he said. someone called at the de-stex who's currently with it being Christmas he called themselves de-stex the halls you see

dex the halls here's what he said so my mob American chap oh he's an American chap international viewers do they call

they don't it's more like thrift shore or something thrift shore I'm going to fucking nail you to a fucking wall and shit you're going to nail me

to a wall and shit all over you how are you going to do that? I'm going to have a lot of ruddy mess. You really need to get some muscle squeezing going. Can I just... Where some ladies of the night can do things with ping pong balls, my sphincter is quite adept at

firing out brown eggs. So, did Dexter text the halls? Yeah. This is quite a long tweet, by the way, so I want to get through it. Please read it. Because you're going to interrupt with your asinine fucking points of view and bother some issues

if something's important I might pipe up alright okay so my mum is the manager of a charity shop not the way we use in Canada Canada ah

sorry I know but you interrupted me so you know bit hard we use the blanket word thrift shop for any second-hand stores,

whether it's for profit or for charity, but my mom manages one and that's the Needles preamble out the way. I'd probably want to ask her for an exhaustive list of wow stories,

but I don't know how willing she'd be to give them to a comedy podcast. I don't blame her. No. But he does have a few stories that come under the umbrella

of general store running badness. Like the times you had to clean human shit from the ceiling of the bathroom. I'm liking this now. How did it get on the ceiling? It's weird how we sort of foreshadowed that

with you talking about nailing me to a wall and shitting on me. But it's on the ceiling. Well, listen, what's the difference? If you get it up onto the wall where I'm nailed, you know, if you've got that kind of strength of flow... Strength of flow! I'm personally just saying how.

Someone took it with their hands, Paul, and rubbed it on the ceiling. The ceiling. Because they were mentally unwell. Well, that's a problem. Anyway, but the stuff specific to managing a charity shop mostly has to do with how people donate things. Specifically, certain people like to donate things in lieu of paying to have them taken to a dump. So what they're saying is rather than just chuck it out or take it somewhere appropriate, fucking give it a cherry store.

Yeah, not good. You should actually think about it, you know? People tend to massively overvalue their donations, especially old vinyl records. Maybe in a more urban charity shop the record would be worth a damn, but in a small rural town most of the donations are Christian family bands from the 70 from the 70s and no one buys them no i can i can see that i mean uh we did have that record mari of that i picked up in florida which was like some buddhist cult from like uh yeah whatever that's about there's a lot of those religious records i think some people actually do collect those weird small press,

sort of self-made religious records and stuff. Some of them might be actually interesting to you as collectors of bad vinyl since they were small run printings of bands that generally only recorded that one album ever. Yeah. However, there are hundreds of them. There's a market for it. I mean, there are collectors out there. I don't think that kind of thing is particularly valuable.

There may be a philosophy of all the world buried somewhere in that disposable cultural detritus. I like this guy. I like him too. Is it a guy? Yes. But I'd have to sort through that and fuck that, he says. We like him. Anyway, unrelated to vinyl.

A lot of the time people will donate in bulk after Grandpa dies, just rummaging through the descendants' belongings and putting them discriminately into trash bags and then hauling them off to the charity shop. So they're like, Grandad's dead. All his stuff in a bag, off to the shop. Yeah.

Job done. He's been a burden for far too long in our lives. Let's just fucking bury this cunt and sell his shit to Oxfam. They're not even selling it. No, dump it outside Oxfam. Give his useless shit away.

His life. The result is that most of it has become unsellable and gets thrown in the bin. However, a lot of time there's money in it. Actual money. Get this.

Especially when people live through the Great Depression and then squirreled away their money in places. My mother once received a donation of old man's clothing and found, and he's not making this up, $9,000 in cash. Wow. In the clothing, like in the lining. It's like someone's sort of safety money

that they just sort of, yeah they stashed you think you'd notice that if you're just chucking stuff out but I guess they just didn't give a shit it's like bag literally yeah

straight in the bag I mean it was hidden probably within the folds of a shirt or maybe yeah or deep pockets with hidden linings or

something she put out a notice to the public and again in this small town nobody ever claimed it money is one of the better things

you find in old dead people's stuff shit stains are not uncommon. Especially if the family was stupid enough to think that the underwear was

worth donating. Oh come on. You would never donate underwear. That's the first rule. And I'd never buy underwear. You'd never buy

underwear? From a charity shop. I mean I'd buy underwear. Don't you worry ladies. My undercarriage is well supported.

Oh well I thought maybe you'd go commando. Get the denim rub rubs. Get the rub rubs going. Every now and then naked rub rubs. I like to'd go commando. Get the denim rub rubs. Get the rub rubs going. Every now and then.

Naked rub rubs. I like to fill denim on ballscrolls. Naked denim rub rubs. Fill the grain of the denim on the helmet. No, don't start getting off. That little fabric tickle. Oh, that little lenticular tickle on my testicles. It's not lenticular.

Lent testicular. You've got a holographic knob end. Shut up. Just because lenticular screens have those little ridges. Is that what you meant? I could get down with that. What's the image of? Like Phantom Menace? It's an otter's face

smiling. It's like a nature one. Yeah, it's a nature lenticular image. But what does it turn into when you change your viewpoint? He reaches out and holds the hand of another otter next to him. So it's like, hand on, hand off, hand on, hand off. And my ball was placed right in the middle of that image. Anyway, we're going off on a tangent.

Shit stains. Well, it was a tangent that needed to be taken because they're talking about shit stains on donated dead people's underwear. That's what we're talking about here, Paul. And people get really incensed if they're told not to donate something. Those awful donations that get through because they're in black bags and in a pile and then sorted through. If people try to donate something the store

can't accept, like old bike helmets, for safety reasons, I'd imagine. Yes. People get unhappy. Sometimes they'll just leave it at the back door. No. I won't have it. And then when nobody's looking and then they drive away, he says, cowards. It's like people who shoplift from charity shops. I've seen it on more than one occasion.

He goes on to say encyclopedias are a big thing. Lots of people dumping encyclopedias now because they have, you know, the internet. So all those, you know, travelling salesmen in the 80s and 90s who were selling encyclopedias. Were they still doing it then? I believe they still do it now. It must be a much harder sell now so you know the whole world's knowledge you can want to buy these expensive leather bound heavy books you can't really put anywhere and just become a death trap if you have a fire in your

house or do you want to just keep the internet yeah um talking of underwear paul yes i was rummaging through the hats you know one of our local charity shops here. Pair of knickers. Ladies knickers. You could put that on your head and say, Wikibongo, I'm the king of sausage rolls. Did you nick that? Is that another black ad in there?

No, it's not. I just said Wikibongo. You did. Wibble, wibble. Say wibble. Wibble. That's a black ad, I think. Yeah.

Or a Rowan Atkinson-y kind of thing. So don't. Make something up that's new, Paul. I did make something up that was new. What did you say? Hot cross bun. Wiki wiki bongo. I'm the king of sausage rolls.

You're just jealous because you don't have my creative thought process. Anyway, he goes on to say shoplifting happens too. In a small town, my mom knows 80% of the customers. It's weird how I keep pre-empting

the things that he's saying. Yeah, aren't you psychic? One time, there was this sweater that was donated. It was very lightly used, new and trendy. She made sure it was put up for a good price. Good price.

One day she noticed a girl who lives across the street from the store, take it into the changing booth and try it on. And then a bit of time passes and my mom notices the girl exiting the store wearing said sweater. So my mom runs to the front door and yells out the girl's name and says, bring back that sweater. And my mum runs to the front door and yells out the girl's name and says, bring back that sweater! And she did. Well, at least she had the wherewithal to come back and admit it, you know.

That's harder to do. He also goes on to say, actually, he wants to say that the £9,000 money that was found in the clothes, she did donate to charity. She did not keep that. She didn't grab it. Well, how do we know it's £9,000 though? I mean, I hate to be cynical. You're accusing a woman you don't know of being a thief. Who works in a charity shop.

It might have been an even 15 grand. Do you know what I mean? It would have been similar size. I wouldn't blame her for that. Virtue. Signal her virtue by giving it in. And also pocket some cash. I guess you could do that if you were, like yourself, human wreckage.

some cash. I guess you could do that if you were, like yourself, human wreckage. He goes on to say basically VHS tapes are donated quite a bit. VHS tapes! That's donated a lot. Now there is a market though for VHS

isn't there? Although he does go on to say that actually he's surprised that in the UK British charity shops say please do not give us any more davinci code uh because they can't sell them whereas in canada apparently he can't keep dan brown books on the shelf in charity shops there i did not know is there people in in britain who would just say no we won't take these these dan brown books too many yeah well they should do something like that with the records as well with the james galloway records and the

montevani records and the uh jalloway records and the Montevani records and the James Last records and the, you know what I mean? Yeah, the Hammond Organ albums kind of thing. Yeah, I'll just wrap this up very quickly because he goes on to say that there's one interesting story he tells about how the upper management of this charity shop are a bit weird. It's a Christian charity shop group.

Oh, yeah. So they filter out what they don't think is appropriate. No, guys. I don't know about that. That's what it is guys I don't know about that I don't know about that that's what it comes down to but they're talking about how they like to kind of self censor

what they sell in the shop no lurid content no Fifty Shades of Grey books things like that no nudie onesies with a big hairy muff sewn on no nothing like that

fucking hell can you imagine I can I am they don't allow Harry Potter books on the shelf. Oh yeah, because it's occultism, isn't it? It's witchcraft. But one day, he was

perusing the book section of the shop and found a book with a rather interesting title. And whilst there are no Harry Potter books or anything of fantasy on there, there was a book he found on a shelf called Sexual Astrology. Oh yeah. Which means some old lady with an eye to God also had hands to hear flap flaps.

No, it's not God, is it? It's like the Taurus and my Virgo rising in your Leo. Yeah. I've got cancer of the bum hole. Fucking hell. That was fucking Derek and Clive as well. No, that was Derek and Clive. Yeah, you are Paul.

You're a show on original. I'm just coming from Derek and Clive. So there's one. a show on original I'm just a fan from Derek and Clive so there's one just tales from the shop floor and we'll get through the next two quite quickly actually because these are quite short

but that was good thank you to that thank you to that chap who's that person D the Stacks or Dex the Stacks I think it is

and this one's from Peter Ballard he emailed in to say hi gents you wanted stories from shops this is a story about the best thing I got from a charity shop

my wife sorry I'll read that again this is the story i got married you got i met my wife in a charity shop i had my wife in a box this is the story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down i just want to take a minute just to sit right there do not do that this is the story about the best thing i got from a charity shop my wife i met her when i had a workplace in a local scope shop about 14 years ago so it's not quite a junk shop. My wife, I met her when I had a workplace in a local Scope shop about 14 years ago. So it's not quite a junk shop. You can pick things up of note.

Also, the second thing I... Oh, wait there. Oh, I think he did mean his wife. Yes, he did. He met his wife. It's a very poor sentence structure. If you don't mind me saying so. Very poor.

Rejiggle those words around. So, point one, he met his wife there. How lovely. How lovely. Point two, The second thing That I got from a charity shop Was a large box Of 80s 90s Transformers

For £50 And made a £150 Profit on it Oh Ravi Ravi But if you want more stories From my time working

In a popular bum slapping On the supermarket Let me know Bum slapping Supermarket What does that mean Asda Because they had

The Smack your arse for money. I like that one. Don't you think they should have to do a porn version of that? They could call it Arsta. I'm not going to. I'm not.

Arsta adverts. Stop it. Anal. Stop it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're better off doing Aldi as anal.

Shop at anal. Because Aldi sounds a bit more like anal than Asda has Asda. Asda. You could have said Asdai as anal. Shop at anal. Because Aldi sounds a bit more like anal than Asda has Asta. Asta? You should have said Asta. Asta! Yeah. Or testicles.

Testicle cold colds. We are very witty human beings, you and I. Oh, we really are. So here's one from Liam Griffiths. This is the last one. Hey, Paul and Eli, I love your show. Please do another bargain hunt with the teams. We're planning that.

It's going to happen next year. I'm actually very excited, Paul. If that actually happens, I think that'd be great. Us versus Barshan's fucking brilliant. I'd your show. Please do another Bargain Hunt with the teams. We're planning that. It's going to happen next year. I'm actually very excited, Paul. If that actually happens, I think that'd be great. Us versus Barshan's fucking brilliant. We'll wreck them. We'll take them down.

Take them to school and give them detention. And it'll be big people's school. Yeah, and we'll give them the cane for being, for bothering us in our yard. It'll get weird.

It'll go beyond just punishment into something rough. Anyway, so, Liam says, I used to work in a charity shop and one day somebody donated a masquerade mask,

handcuffs, fake roses and a camera with a memory card. Wow. I couldn't get the camera to work but I reckon it was full of salacious pictures. Oh, mate. Brilliant. That's another good thing if you get a combo donation. People are going to send in other good... So what did he say?

Handcuffs? It was a masquerade mask, handcuffs, fake roses, and a camera with a memory card. Mate, please, come on. That memory card's got to be accessible somehow. It probably would be, yeah. Also, on a different day, someone donated a pair of shoes, worn to the point of falling apart

and covered in slightly wet dog shit. It fucking stank the room out. I don't understand why people possess to do that. Keep up the great work, guys. Liam from Bristol. Thank you very much, Liam. Thank you. And that was my...

I mean, I said thank you as if I was Liam there. Yeah. It's weird. You speak for all our listeners. Thanks. So that was our first Tales from the Dance Floor. Shop floor.

Tales from the Shop Floor. I liked it when you did a sort of Tales from the Dance Floor. But just do it really mellifluous. Tales from the Shop Floor. Thank you. Good, no, I love that section. And that's that segment done.

I'm really fascinated. And now it's that time of the show where me and Eli are nice to each other and get ourselves a little something from a charity shop in a section of the show we are now calling Mikasa Tsukasa. So, who would like to go first? Would you like to go first this time?

Yeah, I think so. All right. I'm just looking around the house of pickles to see where I put it. The thing you got half an hour ago you now can't find. Oh, because you never prepare. Because you never prepare. My bleeding fingers, I work them to the bone.

Why don't you find this since you're in such a fucking rush today? Instead of going off on your little mouth about, I've got to get out of here, it's pretty rich, I'm a hack. I know. Go on.

Find your record. I'll find it. Because I know what it is, you only told me. I know. It's ruined it, hasn't it? Yeah. So let's just get this shit bit out of the way and then Mikasa.

The bit where you get some presents. Su Casa. Come on. Mikasa today. Yeah. Now, is this Mikasa? This is Mikasa. The first one is Mikasa.

Mikasa Su Casa. So Mikasa. Me. Eli. Yeah. Casa. Yeah. Russ Abbott.

LP. I love a party Well mate Now Paul Let's have a look at this bitch You have been kind of Obsessing a bit like Fetishising the 80s And certain aspects

Culturally of the 80s Of the live entertainment I would say I've become quite fascinated With live entertainment Of the late 70s Early 80s And is there

A better example Of pure naffness Pure unironic naffness? Russ Abbott's career was a bit accidental. Did you hear what the story is? I'm only getting this from memory, but you know he used to have a Russ Abbott's Madhouse? Yes. That originally wasn't his show.

It was Freddie Starr's Madhouse. Yes. Now, Freddie Starr is a northern comedian who was manic and a bit crazy and a bit kind of surreal, but kind of edging on violence, threatening kind of wacky comedy. Yes. He was uncontainable. And so they tried to build this show around him

called Freddy Stars Madhouse. Now, the show was awful. But to be fair to Freddy, he hated the scripts and thought they were very, very poor. Now, the background players in the show, you know, the accompanying people who surrounded him. Russ Abbott, Bella

Enberg, there's Dennis. I think I remember this now, yeah. So the story goes, at the end of the first few episodes filmed, Freddie Starr went, fuck this, Russ, it's your show now, and walks off the set. Were they friends? They knew each other. Apparently, Russ Abbott and Freddie Starr had written a few bits together to improve what was there.

So all of a sudden, it was just like, Russ, it's your fucking show now. Just take it. Yeah, and Ross was massive hit with it. That is interesting. He is the Pringles jumper of comedy. You know what I mean? Yes. It's like you look at the album cover right now and it's like you can imagine him wearing

those colours as a jumper on his sketch show. Again, there will be photos on the website. But yes, it is so redolent of the 80s. It's hard to believe. These little champagne glasses. It's that time in the 80s it's hard it's the it's hard to believe these little champagne glasses it's that time in the 80s

when you could be completely safe and tame and like you know like middle of the road and be a massive success yes huge success

look at his shirt on the album cover it is an explosion of 80s all over him it looks like a kind of you know remember

Death 2 on BBC 2? Yeah. He looks like he's wearing the test card to Death 2. It is a truly, truly awful shirt and it's the type of shirt that couldn't even be worn

by some kind of hipster wannabe ironically now. No, I don't agree with that at all. It could be, yeah. I think some hipsters looking at that and going, ooh, I'd look great

in Twatty's Nightclub. Now, he's got three photos on the cover. Yes. And I like to thinkating. In Twatty's nightclub. Now, he's got three photos on the cover. Yes. And I like to think they portray different moods of Russ Abbott. The various facets of Abbott. You've got the cheeky point. The cheeky point.

Did you just say cuck? Right. Ooh. Yeah, so we've got the cheeky... Then you've got the middle one, which is like the matinee idol sort of... It's the headshot. Charming smile. You know what I mean?

He's got an eye for the ladies you can see can I just say that was on Tinder swipe left yeah what does that mean

you don't like him no you don't like him and then how would you describe the third shot I'm slashing it look watch

that's that look oh mate we can't do those kind of gags man sweet oh anyway anyway that is what look it does look like that's the face it's like a serial killer's last it has a very sociopathic kind of vibe to it i'll agree with that and then uh the The songs. Let's look at the track listing. Yeah. But it's just... It's on K-Tel, which was a cut-price label famous for putting out compilations, like yearly compilations.

Oh, really? The equivalent of what later became things like Now Music. That's what I call music, volume 80. There's a lot of K-Tels, and they're very cheap vinyl, and they cram, like, at least 10... So very low quality.

They cram, like, 10 tracks on each side. Yeah. so very low quality they cram like 10 tracks on each side yeah so very low quality well let me have a look at this because can you give us the track listing

so Atmosphere that was the big hit that Russ Abbott had that's the hit off the record I'll drop a track bit of that into the

show right now you love it don't you any chance to drop it no it's one of those songs that you think you like until you hear it again you think oh god it's so

fucking awful yeah it's terrible and the pop video of him in a dad jumper in a horrible 80s nightclub trying to be cool as one solitary balloon bounces around the set

as he sings his song is the most 80s British yeah but it's that the word that comes to mind is suffocating it's like stiflingly

middle of the road sort of naff just unendingly naff Portland's holiday camp kind of fun but it's kind of yeah it just closes in on you

you know what I mean what else is on there let's get through this okay then you've got Run Around Sue classic by Dion

yeah originally which is a classic that I sometimes drop when I'm DJing I know I've noticed that let's go to the disco not a tune I know

but it's probably an original piece of shit then you've got YMCA okay he probably does that in a funny voice yeah you know with one of his Scottish got YMCA okay he probably does that in a funny voice yeah you know

with one of his Scottish accents YMCA laddie Jimmy Jimmy what did his Scottish character go

it was all that kind of stuff wasn't it it was all broad Scottish accents let's dance yeah

Uma Paloma Blanca by famed paedophile Jonathan King yes that's one of his songs Multiplication

is Bobby Darin so that's another cover because Bobby Darin did Mack the Knife and Bobby Darin was a sort of rock and roll idol

teen idol had Splish Splash was another big hit for him. That's right yeah. And there was the movie of Kevin Spacey now a rapist.

Now starring Christopher Plummer. Good. Thank you. That's good. Okay. Happy birthday of Stevie Wonder's one. now starring Christopher Plummer good thank you that's good okay Happy Birthday Stevie Wonder's one Happy Birthday to you

I know that's a strange one for him to pick because that's a song about the birthday of Martin Luther King isn't it well it's the lyrics are very

sort of general Happy Birthday but that's not the root of it though he didn't write it about that you know DJs sort of drop that one

when everyone goes Happy Birthday it's been gentrified in some respect but the actual tune happy birthday but that's not the root of it he didn't write it DJs sort of drop that one when everyone goes happy birthday fair enough it's been gentrified in some respect but the actual tune goes on for about 5 minutes and doesn't really go anywhere

it's not one of Stevie Wonder's stronger tunes it's a meandering yeah it's not very good okay that's side one and then on side B all night holiday yeah

again don't know monster mash now we all know that we're not getting into that discussion we've said our piece give it up I imagine that's Casey and the Sunshine Bands yes because it says Casey there so we're on the right of credits well done Monster Mash. Now, we all know that. We're not getting into that discussion. We've said our piece. Give It Up. I imagine that's Casey and the Sunshine Bands.

Yes, because it says Casey there. So we're on the right of credits. Well done. At the Hop. Again, a big song about Paul McCartney's ex-wife. What? You had to think about that. Right, yeah. Good.

Uptown Girl. Okay, Billy Joel. These are all massive songs from the era, aren't they? Yeah, close. Like the last maybe five years. Man, this album was released. Those were the songs that were still on airplay. Yes.

I'm in the mood for dancing. I want to dance the night away. So that's a Nolan's and a mix of something else. When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman. I bet he does that cheeky. When You're In Love With... You know what? I actually do want to listen to this now to see how awful it is.

It is going to be very bad. And then, closing side two, you have a Beach Boys medley. Good for vibrations. I get around. And then, Barbaran. Bar, bar, bar, bar, bar, baran. Yeah.

Yes. So, it really is a party record. They've gone for the sequencing is like pure, good time you're gonna have a time record and russ abbott's gonna be your the voice of your party because it's almost like in between that sort of an artist's record a novelty record and one of those sort of you know uh all around the piano sing-song records it sort of combines everything shit about all of those genres the road it should have cat's eyes in the middle of it.

Yeah. Yeah, not as strong as the other stuff. Not as strong, but as incisive. Right. That's a great thank you. I really actually like that. Yeah, I know. I know you would.

Because I'm curious. It's like looking into a hole that says, do not look. It's like Bullseye and that, isn't it? It's Bullseye, all of this stuff, the kind of math, pure 80s stuff. I have to say, it's rubbing off on me like a big denim rubber. Right. So it's time now for Tsukasa, where I return the favor. Now, I've gone a bit overboard.

I got you two Tsukasas. So you could also say it's a Tsukasa. So are you ready for Tsukasa? Yes. So I saw this and I just thought you might like this I don't know if you'll read it ever but I thought you might

like it tell me what you see oh yeah this brings back the memories this brings back memories of being in WH Smith

in Brent Cross Shopping Centre yeah whiling away the hours looking at all the magazines and they had a paperback section

and almost always there was one of these books Paul you've given me Asasu Kasa today. Yeah. The follow-up to his number one bestseller,

Michael Caine, and not many people know this either. Not a lot of people know this. Not a lot. We can't do impressions on the show. Let's just get that out of the way.

And there he is. He's got a satisfied look on his face like, I know this. That's like he smelt his own fart and he doesn't mind it. Yeah. That's the smell of an Oscar winner. He's not an Oscar winner though, is he?

Yes, he did. He won for Cider House Rules, I think. There you go. Oscar winner Michael Caine. I might be corrected on that, but that's what I think. Smells his own farts. So it's a book. It's not an autobiography.

No, it's just facts. It's just random facts that he has had nothing to do with in terms of salvaging. Sam Kahn did some research and put this in a book, and now I'm getting paid for having my mug on the cover. Yeah. So I read out a random fact in the book? Well, look, on the cover it says, What colour the Queen's blotting paper is?

I literally could not give a shit. I don't care. I don't know. That's the kind of trivia. It's probably changed now anyway. It's like... It's probably pink. Like a very light pink. Space lizard colour. That's the kind of trivia. It's probably changed now anyway. It's like... It's probably pink. Like a very light pink.

Space lizard colour. Or like a very faint blue. What Napoleon's ultimate humiliation was... I know what that is. What? He lost playing Risk. And the irony nearly destroyed him. Did you just make that up?

Yeah. That was maybe funny. Okay. Not all of the fucking things I say land, Eli. I know that, Paul. Come on. I know. Come on.

If one person knows that, Paul, it is I. I have that, Paul. I know. If one person knows that, Paul, it is I. I have been the most recipient of your unexploded shells. My whole face is littered with your unexploded joke shells. I'll be honest, Eli, it's really hard for me to keep up with your comedy talent

when I have to fight such lines as I've shat the bed, or I'm going to vom or sticking up your arse. Whatever you decide to come up with. Another fact. Get my bum out. Third and final fact. Or how your willy looks like an assortment of small things on a big thing.

You know what I mean? Like a maggot on a globe. It's like a piano key on a beach ball. It's like a long grain of rice on a kiwi fruit. Are you ready? Yeah, it's like a chipolata on the back of a bald man's head. I wish it was.

The third fact on this, Michael Caine, it's an almanac of amazing information. We can also find out in this book, Paul, what very ancient Swedes did in earthenware jars. Oh, I imagine pee. Pee? Urinate. Why do you imagine that? I don't know, but I'm thinking

maybe it was literally a pot to piss in. I think they hmm, yes. So that's one. So you've got lots of, I want to read the fact out. Read the fact out, Paul. Right, because there's a fact. Thank you. I like this. I'm really getting a proper nostalgia vibe from that, and it is in, I'd just like to say, very good condition. It's not bad, is it?

No one's ever read it. Tears contain a soothing antiseptic substance, and on average, we lose between 30 and 60 hairs a day. And there you go. If you are left-handed, the nails on your left hand will grow faster than those on your right and vice versa. See, he knows all these facts.

Blue eyes get lighter with age. That's nice to know, isn't it? It's not. Human skin, when tied and made into leather, resembles pigskin. Well, that's a bit morbid. It's a bit morbid, but that was a page chosen at random. That is the laziest kind of book writing that ever existed, isn't it? Yeah, but Eli, I've got

another Tsukasa Tsukasa for you. Are you ready for it? Yes. You went to the big breasted lady image. There wasn't a big breasted lady. I'll save that for later. For Naughty Dead and Rub Rubs. Here it is. Here's a book that you might not get much use out of, but it might

inspire you when it comes to noodle pimping. This is a book that you might not get much use out of, but it might inspire you when it comes to noodle pimping. This is a book for you. This is fucking great. Madame Wong's Long Life Chinese Cookbook. S.T. Ting Wong with Sylvia Shulman. Probably translated it for her. Or helped her to westernise these recipes, maybe. It looks very authentic. There she is.

Madame Wong. With a massive wok on the front. She's got a big wok, and that wok has seen some use. You can see it's not a wok for show. It hasn't been dressed up as it would be these days in an ad or even on a cover. It looks pretty mucky. You can see the dirty, carbonised

burnt stuff on that wok can't you it's real it's a very real looking meal only to me shows authenticity yes you know so there are recipes in there of all types of chinese recipes long life which means they're probably good for you maybe yes so you know maybe it could inspire you when eating or cooking. Duck with leeks, crispy duck. Let me just see if there is a noodle section. There's got to be a noodle section. There may not be because it was a hard sell noodles for Brits for a long time. Really?

As we know. Yeah, look. Noodles just isn't something that isn't. But this is a book from Chinese history, though, isn't it? People resisted pasta in this country for years, didn't they? Yeah. They saw that as exotic. That Brexit mentality.

Well, it resisted pasta in this country for years, didn't they? Yeah. They saw that as exotic. That Brexit mentality. There is a chapter in here, food characteristics of the culinary regions of China. Oh. That's interesting to me.

Use of oil, helpful hints. So it's got some general stuff. Very good. But, as I thought... Oh, noodles. Hang on. He's found the noodles, ladies and gentlemen. Hands down, the most exciting part of the show so far for him. What page is it? 197. 197. Quick, ladies and gentlemen. Hands down the most exciting part of the show so far for him. What page is it?

197. Quick, get to it. He awkwardly fumbles through the book. I'm not awkwardly fumbling. You are awkwardly fumbling. There, I'm there. Look, you've got noodles. There's a picture of noodles here. Noodles, rice and what's the last word? Congress. Congies is porridge. Oh. I've never heard of that before till today. It's like a type of porridge,

yeah, but savoury, I believe. Interesting. I will look into that. I may be totally wrong, but that's what I think. Noodles, mian in Chinese, symbolise... Such as chow mein. Chow mein, yeah. And lao mian, which are lovely sort of saucy noodles,

you know, when they get all slathered in sauce. Fucking hell. Dead and rub rubs for Eli. Noodles symbolise longevity. Oh, good. So there you go. Two books for you. What a bit of fun to while away when you're sitting on the shitter

so you can multitask, reload a fact, and push out some arse toffee. Paul, it's been a very good day for me today. Yeah? I like that, Michael Caine. I just want to look at the cover. It's a very good nick. Yeah. It's like it's untouched. I think it might have come from a library for some reason. I don't know why. But I might

actually be reading and using this book to help me with my ongoing quest for noodle supremacy. For noodles. I bought some anchovy XO sauce the other day. That will pimp any bitch right up. Well, we'll get back to that when we once again rejoin you

in your Eli's Country Noodle Kitchen at a later date. Not now. All right, not now. I'll be honest, I fucking fill up your noodles lately. Okay. And I think I've given enough

airspace to them. And you're still planning your noodle special. Yes. Which, you know, I look forward to seeing that when it turns up. Well, it will turn up

and it will be a work of unparalleled genius. Well, I think we've both done very well on Mikasa Tsukasa today. Yes. And I just want to shake your hand.

Okay. It's weird when we touch and we're on a... One of the worst traditions I could instill for a jolly podcast recording. It's been a jolly podcast recording so far, Paul.

So far, so good. And what else have we got coming up in the show? I like doing that. I know you do. Because you basically have to be reminding you so you know what you're doing next. We're going to be looking at your platters next

and Silverman's vinyl platter and then ending the show a bit later on, as I fucking said already, with a Radio 1 quiz and Double Dare Beans challenge. So get ready for that shit. Spicy. Spicy. Are they spicy?

Squiddy. We'll have to get into that. Pooey? We'll get into that because they've changed some of the flavours. Lick the bloody puddle. Right, shut your dirty mouth, you rambling fucking nim bot. Right, it's now time for Eli's lovely segment of the show. Please introduce it. It's

Silverman's Flatters time, everyone, again. And as promised, this week, Adelia Derbyshire, Anthony Newley, double feature. That's not the word, is it? That's not the word at all, but I know what you're getting at. A pair up, a duo, a collaboration. Across the timelines. A meeting of minds.

Was he ever up for a Doctor Who, Anthony Newley? I bet he was considered. You know what? It wouldn't surprise me. I don't have that fact at hand. No, but I bet he was considered for a Doctor Who? Anthony Newley? I bet he was considered You know what? It wouldn't surprise me I don't have that fact to hand No, but I bet he was considered, wasn't he? I would consider him as a Doctor Who He's got a Patrick Troughton-esque manner

Certainly does And considering he was in the Garbage Pail Kids movie As previously discussed He would have taken any role Yes Especially Doctor Who in the 80s When it was, you know In a bit of a fallow period

And there was lots of young boys. Well, okay, so recently there's been news that Anthony Newley's son has accused his father, you know, now that he's dead, he's accused his father of being a bit of a pederast. Right. I think that's the right word. Yes. However, it has been said that Joan Collins, a wife, once wife of Anthony Newley, and a daughter from that same marriage have both categorically denied it. So at this point, I don't think it's appropriate, Eli, if you and me make fun of the fact that Anthony Newley may be more than just the candy man.

But it's funny because on this record, it's called Moogly Boogly's, as I believe. This is the song you've chosen, Moogly Boogly's by... Delia Derbyshire and Anthony Newley. Right. It's, as I believe. This is the song you've chosen, Moogly Boogly's by... Dina Derbyshire and... Anthony Newley. Right. It's on Trunk Records. So this is not a charity shop find at all. No.

Johnny Trunk is a guy who runs Trunk Records. Right. And they are excellent if you are into obscure library music. Which I sometimes am. Soundtrack stuff. Yes. Weird, modular jazz. They call it modal jazz.

Modal jazz. Yeah. Well, that's fascinating. So what do you think this record is? Because let's listen to a. They call it modal jazz. Modal jazz. Well, that's fascinating. So what do you think this record is? Because let's listen to a little bit of it right now. I'll tell you straight, kid. I'm in a state, kid. I've got the moo-jizz.

The dreaded blue-jizz. La, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Wild air lolloping about in the wind, and those mad earrings, and the clown faces, and that gear. They're hip-hugged and plastic-macked, they're gobbled and helmeted, booted and spurred. Thank God I can control myself. A little dream in my heart, place, face. A little scene tucked away in my memory. So it's odd. What it was...

It's not very musical, if you know what I mean. Yeah, it's more of a sort of weird oddity, isn't it? Yes. Now you believe, judging by what you know of it, it might have stemmed from a failed TV project. Well, I know from the sleeve notes on the back of the 7-inch reissue on Trunk Records. Yes, it was a show that Anthony Uli was going to be in before Python, but along similar lines, a kind of slightly surreal comedy show.

The lyrics are a bit creepy creepy though, aren't they? It's all been perving on girls in miniskirts. Again, we are not saying at any point that he might be... He's like, hello, love. He's all a bit like, isn't he? I turned a coin recently. You turned a coin? I coined a term.

Oh, no. I turned a coin. I turned a five around. You can see through it. I coined a term. See through Winston. I'm just going to smack through it I coined a turd See through See through Winston I'm just going to smack you I coined

You coined a turd Hand In the air I point a boing About to be You fucking idiot So You coined a term recently

Yeah What? Newly feels No Nostalgia Excellent I have to say Paul Yeah

I wasn't expecting something of that calibre you don't know what it means yet though oh no I can tell you what it means it means when you can no longer enjoy something that you

once enjoyed as a child because said hoaxed of that programme is a nonce is a nonce or it could be a singer that you

once enjoyed yes glitter nostalgia yeah brilliant nostalgia when you can't really watch

episode of Top of the Pops anymore with Jimmy Savile well they won't air them and it's years of footage they won't air them. And it's years of footage. They won't air those.

So they have to show all the Kid Jensen ones. Yeah, and that's just as bad. It is. At least Savile had character. Oh, come on. Fucking Jensen. Jensen was just bland. Who's the one who is a bit like...

What are those two? Those, you know... Bruce, what's he called? Bruce Forsythe. Cheggers. And what's the one who's like bit like what those two those you know oh you got bruce what's he called bruce chiggers chiggers and what's the one who's like chiggers but god he looks like fucking chiggers no who's the one who's a bit like chiggers but isn't quite chiggers and i have chiggers i need a drink you know you know the one i mean i don't actually though i can't think was on a bbc show yeah anyway chiggers what did you think who Who's like Cheggers I don't know Okay

Maybe I'm just thinking of Cheggers Maybe you are Maybe it's a mandala effect Double Cheggers I had a splitting of the reality A doubling up of reality Yes And I saw two Cheggers

That's a horrible world to live in Double Cheggers What was the point of this conversation We are Talking about the record Moogly Boogly Delia Derbyshire Delia Derbyshire

Obviously Yeah Famous for the BBC Radiophonic Workshop Yes talking about the record Moogly Boogly Delia Derbyshire Delia Derbyshire obviously yeah famous for the BBC Radiophonic Workshop yes creating amazing stuff for years on such as the Doctor Who theme

as the Doctor Who theme such as the Doctor Who theme yeah very good be pleased with yourself annual fact are you very pleased and did you know the TARDIS sound effect

well she's not actually shut up did you know the TARDIS sound effect is created by dragging a key up the piano wire. I did know that, yes.

It's still Doctor Who, isn't it? Ron Granger actually wrote the theme, didn't he? I think she just worked on it. She probably just tinkered. She probably put some funny noises on. So I enjoy that. I enjoy primitive synth sounds, as you might have picked up on, Paul.

This has very... It's kind of sad. It's nice, but... Yeah, it doesn't have much structure as a tune. It's very experimental. It's sort of, yeah, it's more of a sound poem, isn't it? And apparently he worked on it

for like hours and hours and days and days. He was like really into it. And it's not that good, I don't think. It's all right. But like, you know, considering he wrote like the music for Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Did he don't think it's all right but like you know considering he wrote like the music for willie wonka uh charlie the chocolate factory did he yeah he wrote all the candy man and stuff and pure imagination that's why he was obviously a talented uh performer yes

wasn't he and he was he was like as you said he inspired bowie apparently yeah uh he was kind of out there kind of brit kind of psychedelia kind of folky it of psychedelia, kind of folky. It's all a weird mix of... Interesting. For instance, a great example is you can see Anthony Newley's work in things like Parklife by Blur, I think. Yeah, absolutely. The kind of quintessentially British sort of thing.

What did you think? But apart from that, it's all right. I actually heard The B-Side as well. And apparently The B-Side is similar. It's very short, The B-Side, but similar in that it's kind of a rambling ode to being a bit pervy. Really? Yeah, he talks a lot a little bit about that. And apparently there's sampling in it because there's a piece of music that's used and slowed down and looped.

And he sings along to that. They did use tape loops. Yeah. And so that was like very early sampling. 1966. Yes, very, very early. So it was all right. It's a curio rather than anything that you'd like very early sampling. 1966. Yes, very, very early. So, it was all right. It's a curio rather than anything that you'd get too passionate about.

Okay, well, we do sometimes have very... Next! All right. What would you give it? Your section. I'm just here for chatterage. I don't give expert opinion. How many platters would you splatter?

I would splatter two platters on that. I would probably go for... Maybe two and a half. I'd go for three. Three solid splatter platters would you splatter? I would splatter two platters on that. I would probably go for... Maybe two and a half. I'd go for three. Three solid splatter platters. Three very solid splatters. Okay, good. What's number two?

Number two is a group called Xanadu. Yes. And a song called... Not to be confused with the movie Xanadu. With Olivia Newton-John. Scored by, I believe, ELO. Yes. Yes.

And was it she actually went to Xanadu or something? It's a musical. It's a roller skate film. Is it a roller skate film? You know, like roller disco is a huge thing. It was a roller disco based fantasy film. Yeah, I believe so. It's been a very long time since I've seen it.

And I only remember the music more. It was on telly a lot. I remember in... Let's Get Physical in the sweaty. That was so 80s, wasn't it? Yeah.

Did you watch it in furball? Or the aerobics, doing aerobics. Yeah, women in the 80s going right up the crack. No. Go on. That's what you want to say,

isn't it? I don't want to say anything. You do. You want to objectify women. I just said I remember her. I'm not objectifying. You're objectifying Olivia Newton-John. No, I'm not.

She's a lovely lady. Do you know about 15 years ago, her husband went missing, apparently. Do you hear this story? No. Olivia Newton-John was married to a guy and then suddenly one day he disappeared off the face of the earth,

found his boat abandoned. They reckon they found him in Mexico all these years later. Alive? Yeah. Under a new name and stuff. Why did he want to get away from it? I don't know.

Cheap show. And entertainment. No, no, no, no, no. News, news, news, news. Why did he want to get away from it? I don't know. Cheap show. And entertainment. No, no, no, no, no. News, news, news, news. Why did he want it? I don't know. He's like, oh, stop singing. Let's get physical in the shower.

Stop singing Xanadu, love. Come on. You were more than just Sandy. I told you, I used to have that. She was Australian, of course. Good day. One of her first bands was a band called Tomorrow. Yeah.

T-double-O. Awful name. Morrow. You know, Tomorrow. I was a band called Tomorrow. Yeah. T-double-O. Awful name. Morrow. You know, Tomorrow. I had a single by them. Yeah. I got in a charity shop. Yeah.

Worth quite a bit of money. Down by the river, I think it's called something like that. I thought you were stroking your chin as you talk about it as well. It's sort of 60s, sort of weird. It's bubblegum pop sort of style. Not great. I didn't think it was great. It's funny.

When you hear it like that and you're beard like that right now, you've got this kind of philosopher, Greek philosopher look going on. Not great I didn't think it was great It's funny When you hear it like that And your beard like that right now You've got this kind of Philosopher Greek philosopher look going on And when you espouse facts like this I'll be honest with you I firm up mate You firm up I get a full chub

It goes all the way To tippy top town And pumps blood To the whole city Okay So Ending in ball canyon I digress

The song is called Zha Zha. And it is about... Zha Zha Gabor. Now, tell me, is this another thing that I'm misremembering, or is it a different reality that's split very asunder from the very fabric... Let's find out, listener. But I seem to remember Zha Zha Gabor being married to Donald Trump. No, you're confusing me with Ivana Trump.

Ivana Trump was the first wife of... Yes, and was she a movie star? Was she a sort of Jar Jar type character? She was a bit similar in character. I mean, Jar Jar Gabor, she was married to other famous people, but I think she was a bit... Yeah, but she was proper Hollywood Jar Jar, wasn't she? She was an actress, I believe, and stuff like that.

But I think she became more of what we would now call a celebrity. She was famous for being famous after a while. Yes, after a while, yeah. She famously didn't know how old she was because she kept getting plastic surgery and one of those people. And she slapped a copper once. Remember that?

She slapped a copper. She gave a good slap. Yeah, because he went, you can't park there. And she went, I am Jar Jar. Oh, look at you. And slapped him. Gave him upside his face.

Nice. So the song's about Jar Jar. And when did the song come out? 75, I believe. Was this when she was like a big thing? Must have been, yeah. I mean, we could do the research, but actually, I'm sick of saying. It's a poor song, isn't it?

The problem is, I'd like to do the research and say, OK, Google. OK, Google. Because it might be nearby my phone. Then it sets off. And then when I listen to the podcast back, my own voice in the podcast sets off my phone when I say, OK, Google. That's not good. It's not good. Anyway, the point is, we're not doing the research.

I presume she was at the height of her power at this point. Well, in the public consciousness, you'd think, because they pumped out what can only be described as a substandard novelty pop piece. I actually didn't think it was that bad. It's not great. I didn't think it was awful. I thought it was going to be much worse than it was. Actually, let the listener decide right now. Let's hear some of that right now.

You're not just a pretty face No one could take your place You got style, you got grace I love you Ma-sha-sha Sha-sha, sha-sha, good-bye Ma-sha-sha Sha-sha, sha-sha, good-bye I met you on the movie screen

I remember every scene My 35 million movie queen I love you Well, it's certainly more upbeat than I thought it was going to be. It's okay. You know what? I thought it was going to be like a ballad or maybe like... That's a kind of disco pop number. It's, yeah, it's a little bit poppy, swinging 70s, I guess.

Swinging 70s. I don't know if I can describe it as if they're kind of affecting a sound from like the 70s. Skiffle kind of Beatles-esque. The 60s, I guess. Swinging 70s. That's the only way I can describe it, is if they're kind of affecting a sound from like the 70s, Skiffle kind of Beatles-esque. The 60s, you mean. It's got a bit of that. The 60s, you mean.

But it's in the 70s. It is in the 70s. That's what I'm saying. Don't get confused between those two. I'm not getting confused, you fucking little maggot. You're just Mr. 80s anyway.

I'm going to stand up. Don't stand up. I'm standing up. Why? To intimidate you for the rest of this argument. Why do you want to intimidate me? Because I don't like your tone. Come on. No touching on the

podcast. Please, Paul. Didn't touch you, did I? You kind of, yeah. Anyway. Kind of brushed me, then. So do you know anything about the band? Nothing whatsoever. But there you go. There's Zanadu. What would you give it? I'd say a different two and a

half. Two flatter splatters on the cratter McMatter. Fuck off, really? I'm just making shit up now. Do you want to hold your mic? Oh, mate. Just saying. I liked it when we had stationary mics. Well, we don't. We don't have

that kit anymore. No. I could get another stand, but you know how heavy they are to carry around? Yeah, that's why I'm not doing it. That's why I need you. Just hold a mic. Okay, I'm holding it. So, you know, what would you give it?

Two splatters? Two and a half splatters. Okay, I'm going to give it two. I would listen to it more often than I probably would listen to Anthony Newley's

even though the talent involved is of a higher quality. And did you check the flip on the Xanadu? I actually did. Very poor. Very boring.

Boring, slowie. Ballad, slowie, pooey, stinky bum bums. Yeah, they just threw actually did. Very poor. Very boring. Boring, slowy. Ballad, slowy, pooey, stinky bum-bums. They just threw that away. Yeah, threw it away. But there's Zha Zha by Xanadu. And to finish, Silverman's Platters,

what's our third item? Our third item today is, I don't know, it's your fucking segment. Sorry, I thought you were just going to play along. It's right next to you, it's the Gaslight Union

with Stupid Party, which sounds like this. guitar solo And it sounded like that. It does have a sort of stupid... It lives up to its title, doesn't it? I don't get it. It's just weird. I don't get it, because it's the A-side. And the B-side is more of a legitimate, air quotes, song.

Song? I was actually quite... It's not a great song, but I was actually more impressed. Because you listen to the first side and you go, what's this shit? You listen to the other side and you go, oh, it's a band. It's a proper group.

Very strange. What year? It's a German release, so I can't imagine, you know, I tried doing a little bit of research on it, but even if you go to the Gaslight Union's like wiki page, it doesn't mention this.

So people quite like them or their other stuff. It's just a very strange record. It's an instrumental's kazoo and it's called stupid party and it's people having a stupid party it's i would never put that on it's a bit lonely it's lonely it's a bit of a lonely party it's the kind of music you'd play if you're on lithium in an insane asylum cutting up a body yes you know it's like you have it on and you're like, oh, you've come to my dungeon. Oh, you will never leave my dungeon.

I'm going to torture you. No, mister, no. Please let me go. No. And then you put that music on. Yeah. And it's all a kazoo. And then it's like, I'm going to cut you. Why does it always have to be like this, Paul? No, no. Why does it always have to be like this, Paul? I've got a family and 18 friends and a dog. Paul, why does it have to be like this, Paul? No, no. Why does it always have to be like this, Paul? I've got a family and 18 friends and a dog.

Paul, why does it have to be like this always? Get it, get it, get it. Why? Do you go evil? Get it. No one wants to hear about your... I'm so young. Shut up.

God. Paul. I'm dying. Yeah. Now to cut the body off. Fuck me. Chippy job. Yeah, so Chippy chop Chippity chop Chippity chop

You watch too much internet my friend Lek number two, chippity chop Chippity chop Chippity chop Now to cut the arms off You've got to remove the fingers and teeth So they don't know The rabbits

The rabbits have come. They are good. Oh, the ducks are looking. Why the ducks now? Why rabbits? The body is looking at me. Oh,

I won't sleep tonight. And so why the ducks? What the ducks are doing? Quack, quack, quack. Where are the ducks? Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack. And then,

you know, the record ends and you go back to your job in fine odds. So that's Stupid Party by Gaslight Union. The Gaslight Union. quack quack quack and then you know the record ends and you go back to your job in finance so that's Stupid Party by Gaslight Union the Gaslight Union

should we listen to that now we did I just remember yeah at the beginning well it's hard to dickhead I'm sorry I'm intolerant

what I just had to fucking listen to you right having some really substandard little murder fantasy that involved chick

livestock for no reason. There's always a reason for livestock. There's no reason for livestock there. If you're appeasing the gods, you need to sacrifice. You know nothing

about the gods. Okay, and so what would you give that? I mean, it's a very strange record. One. It's like you listen to it once and you go

and then you never listen to it again. Weird digression. I'll give it two. Right, that's all three of the Silverman's Platters this week. If you want any more murder fantasies... Do you think maybe... We don't...

No one wants those. There are other podcasts that deal with that type of thing, Paul. And they're real. Yeah. Monsters are real. Monsters are real. And they're not the things that go woof in the night. No, they're usually other people who've had some kind of breakdown.

Perhaps earlier in life. Who will touch you whilst they're recording a podcast with you. Who always gets to train with you every morning. You just happen to get off at the same station. And off at the same station. Weird that. You never made eye contact. Stop.

You just know each other. Okay. Right, that bit's over. Yeah. Okay, good. So, perhaps on an upcoming Silverman's platters yeah you'd like to spin your gift maybe we will give ross abbott a spin we'll play ross abbott so i'm interested in his version of ymca yeah i think that's what we might go for okay cool all right well that's a wonderful

segment well done i want to shake your hand no no touching i want to shake it You just say that book's giving you a food hard-on. I do. A food chub. I'm getting a heavy food chub. So, you've dropped your book. You're too casser. Never mind. Well, it's that time of the day in the show.

When Paul loses his shit. Oh, is it after seven in the evening? Paul's mental faculties have totally packed in we're gonna play a game to end the show today i went to a charity shop and i found this it is the radio one's top of the form music quiz pop of the form it's top of the form yeah it's weird so there's rules on the back i don't want to play those rules you're just what you're gonna ask me questions are you but with a twist

what's the twist I believe actually this came from like a Mike Reid part of Radio 1 because look at the box it's very 80s Radio 1 it's extremely 80s Radio 1 wow

yeah actually we should do the you know what we should do an episode talking about the Radio 1 road shows at some point I'd like to talk about that oh absolutely

we should look at that because they were shit but great shit. Remember Bits and Pizzas? We had to guess the song from all the mashups. I don't.

We'll talk about it at a later date. See, I didn't really have telly until I was around 10. Yeah, but this is radio so it doesn't matter. So, whatever. Did you listen to radio

when you were seven? Yeah, I listened to radio a lot growing up. So did I. Well, good. I listened to it more. I remember one of my earliest memories of listening to radio was like the sex doctor was on and this guy phoned up. So did I. Well, good. I listened to it more. I remember one of my earliest memories

of listening to radio was like the sex doctor was on and this guy phoned up. Yeah. And he was like, I want to do my wife up her arse. That didn't happen. He did not say that on the radio.

He didn't say that. He was like, I'm getting more and more interested in anal and I don't know why I'm drawn to it. And I was just like, ooh.

How old were you? You know, ten or something. Oh, Jesus. Wept. Have you done anal? I'm not talking to you about that. We're going to have a sex episode. We are going to have a sex episode. I think some things are going to be put on the fucking table. Yeah, alright. Like my whopper.

Oh, God. The denial you have, the world of Eli Silver that you've built up, in no way reflects reality. Okay, so, and another thing that I remember,

the legend of Eli. Do you have things that you heard on the radio as a child that just stuck with you, just remember hearing? Yeah. So that was one,

obviously, for obvious reasons. Anal. I was like, what? You can do things in bottles. I just had no idea prior to that. Anyway, so... Did you know about front sex then? I had more of an idea about front sex. Alright, okay. And another thing I remember

is when McDonald's stopped putting vinegar in their restaurants to put on the chips. I can't even remember vinegar being in McDonald's restaurants. And it was like an article on Capital or something, or Radio 1. How interesting. I don't care. The first part of the story was good.

You should have led with the McDonald's thing, and it ended with the anal fixation. Remember they used to have root beer at McDonald's? Yeah. Brits don't like that. Not a big fan of root beer. We've got our own. We've got Dandelion and Burdock, and that's the way we like it.

Okay, so let's play Pop of the Form, Paul. So here's the thing. We're going to play a game but we have a forfeit and the forfeit is the return of our old favourites, the Double Dare Jelly Beans.

Which we tried. It tried in an episode before. In the froth shop. It was in Gannon's froth shop. It was in Gannon's froth shop. So these aren't manufactured by Bobbies. So we've brought back

the Double Dares and we found them alright. It was funny. It was like their nice flavours were a bit bland but their bad flavours Manufactured by Bobbies. So we've brought back the Double Do's. And we found them all right. It was funny. It's like their nice flavours were a bit bland, but their bad flavours, very vivid. Very bad.

Very strong. Totally outranking. Oh, the Bean Boozled ones, yeah. Bean Boozled by Jelly Bellies. By Jelly Bellies, yes. Who are the premium gourmet brand. This is by Zed Candy, which I believe is a subsidiary of Good Old Bobby's. It is.

I was going to ask you about that. Good Old Bobby's, yeah. We're on the inside. We're giving you the straight up fact. Yeah, we're giving you the skinny. The inside factoids about the food industry in this country. And this is their food. And I think it's a very small category.

I've never seen any other product designed to taste bad. Like to taste like awful things. Only these jelly beans are like pioneers. Yes. It's strange. I mean, there are Bertie Botts, the Harry Potter beans, where that I think was also the inkling of the idea. They're all jelly beans, aren't they?

They're all jelly beans. Do you think Harry Potter was the first one that came out? I don't think it was the first one, but it might have because of the flavours involved in the sweet shop bits. It might be rooted in that kind of Willy Wonka-esque mystical secret candy. I mean, they did the Wonka thing with actual

sweets years ago, didn't they? There was that brand. I think it's still going. I think it's owned by Nestle, Wonka. Oh. Yeah.

So anyway, what we've got here is a version of Double Deers where all the flavours have been separated off. Have we explained just basically what these are to people who might be

just joining us and listening for maybe the first time? No. The first time. The first time. Stop that now. What are you doing? I've had...

It was music at first when we were both doing it and then you went on your own and then I got a little bit kind of troubled. I have had a long day. Boo hoo.

Boo. Boo hoo. I had a long week, mate. I've had a long life. Let's go there. I've had a long life Let's go there I've had a very long life It's been a very troubling year It's been a very tough year

For I think both of us So do you want to make it real? Let's make this No let's not make it real Let's take the magic Let's take the wonder of podcasting Dissolve it into reality Keep the magic

And leave Just boil it all off All that wonderful whimsy And just leave the thick Glutinous reality Of misery At the bottom of the pan That we have to wade through The misery The misery gunk sticking to us like oil.

Anyway, so these are the beans. I should explain? Yes, explain the beans. These are beans that come in. There are different colours, but there are two flavours to each colour. Interesting. One nice flavour and one nasty flavour.

Nasty flavour. Would you like to read out the options? With a spinner. So I'll give you the pears here. And one nasty flavour. Nasty flavour. So, and this is some kind of game with a spinner. So I'll give you the pairs here. In one. Watermelon or snot. In two. Cola or cat food.

In three. Strawberry or fresh blood. In four. Blueberry or toothpaste. Again, we'll get, yeah, we've had the discussion. In five. Lemon or rotten cheese. And the final one.

Caramel or snail. Now, it's interesting. The last time we ate these as part of the Frost Shop scientific study. Yes. We had different flavours in there.

We had squid, I remember. Squid was there. And do you know, was it rotten squid or something like that? It was just squid. It just said squid.

It was nasty. It was proper nasty. It just said squid. It was nasty. It was proper nasty. So they've replaced squid for cat food. And I don't know what they've done with lemon or rotten... What was the other one? Snail. That was a new flavour. I can't remember what they replaced snail with now.

Something else. We haven't done the research. They've still got blood. They've still got blood, which is vile. That was really bad. It was like someone had bit your lip and your throat. It was grim. But the squid was on a different level of power.

Yeah. From anything like this that I've tasted, any of the Jelly Belly ones or the Harry Potter ones, the squid was really, really rank. Totally offensive. Yeah. Anyway. Let's hope they're not like that.

There's a little spinner. So what's going to happen is this. Here's how we're going to play the game. I'm going to give you a card that you can choose at random from the top of the form box. I'll also choose a card. The idea is is instead of when you get a question wrong you eat one right because then we'll just be eating them forever

it'd be disgusting because these are quite hard questions it's going to be if you ask a question and i get it right that means i have to eat it why you've got it right why would you have to eat it he's rethinking it ladies and gentlemen the look has come across his face the previous confident look of the rules and how he was going to do them has disappeared. No, no, no. You're right. I did get it wrong. If I get it right, you have to have it. So I stand here and wait whilst you go out of the room, get the beans, come back in here,

spin the thing. I say a question. No one leaves the room. I go out of the room. No one's leaving the room. It's simple. You ask a question. I stand here. If I get it right, you eat the bean. I eat the bean. So there's leaving the room. It's simple. You ask a question. I stand here.

If I get it right, you eat the bean. I eat the bean. I eat a bean, then read you a question. Yeah, and then if I get it... No. You read a question. Yes. If I get it right, you eat a bean.

Right. If I get it wrong... So we punish each other. Yeah, by the win. Yes. Yeah? So you don't want me to win, because then

you have to eat a bean and vice versa with the question let's let's get going let's get going you're gonna go first i'm gonna pick one at random and you can't skip you got to go through all six questions so i'm gonna go first and ask you a question you can pick a card now too okay i'm gonna pick a card and you can't skip them we've got to keep it as fair as possible so if you get an easy one you get an easy one get a hard one easy one. Get a hard one, get a hard one. Right, okay. Shall I go first and ask you a question? Yes.

Remember, I do not want you to get them right or else I eat a bean. Can we begin the game? Let's begin this game. Right. From the Radio 1 Pop of the Form quiz, here's your first question, Eli. I think I'm going to eat a bean.

Get eating. Which singer starred in The Man Who Fell to Earth? David Bowie. Eat a bean. Get eating. Which singer starred in The Man Who Fell to Earth? David Bowie. Eat a bean. Spin the beans. Spin. And it's spinning. It's spinning.

It has a little game built into the beans, we should say. On lemon or rotted cheese? So I am now going to choose. He's opening this thing. Pick one. Oh, God. Well, there will be a picture of this device. There will be a picture.

For people to look. It is basically a wheel of... I'm about to put the beans in my mouth. Wheel of fortune with the beans okay so this could be rotten cheese

or lemon that is rotten cheese oh god are we are we gonna go spitty oh no you alright

oh is that bad that's really bad oh oh god okay ask a question. Complete the album title.

Okay. Introducing the hard line according to... I don't know. Do you want to hear the question again, Paul? I don't know the answer. Should I know? It means I don't eat a bean, right? Yeah.

Okay. Okay. You're going to kick yourself. Am I? The hard line according to Terrence Trent Darby. I. Okay. You're going to kick yourself. Am I? The hard line according to Terence Trent Darby. I wouldn't, I still,

I don't know. I remember that. Right. It was a very peculiar album title. Not peculiar enough for me. It didn't stick

in my memory banks. I think he had to change it because it was the hard dick. I'm not going to let that hang. Just let it hang.

You're not, I fucking hate this card that I've picked. Here's the next question. Which comedian had a hit with Atmosphere? Oh, that is a toughie. I'm looking at... It's funny, I'm looking at that...

How the fuck, out of all these cards, look how many cards there are, I've picked out... You saw me randomly pick one. The Russ Abbott one. Paul, it's because probably about 50% of those questions are about Russ Abbott. Yeah. He did dominate, didn't he, for a while.

Spin the blue. Spinning the dial now. Spin the arrow. And which of these terrible beans would it land on? Okay, what have you got there? Caramel or snail. And they're kind of a puke colour, these ones.

They do look a bit like amber, almost. There you go. It could be snail. Or caramel. That's fucking horrible. Really? He's got a spitty. I've got a vom.

I've got a vom. Just spit into this pussy. I've got a vom. I've got a vom. Just spit into this. It's so fucking nasty. Describe it. It was literally like I'd bitten down on, like, it's horrible. I can't explain it. It's bad. Fishy, mucousy.

Yeah. I don't know. I'm going to leave this improvised spitting open. Have you been looking at them? I can't know. I'm going to leave this improvised spittoon open. Have you been looking at my card? God, that's so fucking horrible. That's so bad. That's so bad, though. You have the chance to have revenge here, Paul.

Okay. Make me eat a bean. Okay, yeah. Next question down. Yeah. Who had a top ten hit in 1985 with Clouds Across the Moon? With, Paul's not going to get this question. I don't know.

Clouds Across the Moon, Paul. I don't know. Now, I must admit, I wouldn't know this one. I'd guess. I can still taste that fucking snail, and it's horrible. T'Pau, I'd guess, maybe. T'Pau, no. It's the raw band

never heard of them they had the crunch which was a kind of disco one yeah okay there's a do you know what you shouldn't have

picked a pop quiz because I'm going to own you on the pop quiz okay here's the next one what was the title of the Christian's second hit the Christian's second hit

I know their first hit was Harvest for the World isn't that funny that's not the question it's the second hit I know. I can still taste that snail. Harvest for the World, which was obviously a cover version of a...

I don't care. Give me your answer. Isley Brothers, Jim. Give me your answer. It was called Arms Around the World or something. It's called Hooverville. Whoa. I would have never got the C's and they promised us the world

now they went straight down anyway straight down it's not catchy that one is it right you ready for your third bean oh god no only forget it only if you ready to give me a

bean possibly give me a big beaning that's it I'm gonna give you a good beaning good hard beaning I'm gonna get a rough and solid beaning rub your's it. I'm going to give you a good beaning. Good hard beaning. I'm going to get a rough and solid beaning. Rub your bean, mate. Here we go.

Flick my bean. Flick a bean right into my face. Yeah, okay. We've murdered that now. Okay. You're not going to get this either. Who had a hit with Sun Street? Is it Kachina and the Waves?

Yes. You... Because I know it. Because it goes... Na, na, na, na. Na, Because it goes Na na na na Na na na na We're all living on Sun street

You know that song It's like the second hit After Walking on Sunshine They had a sun theme They have to put sun In every song they do I mean I guess That's quite astute

And Love Shine a Light Yeah Love Shine a Light She's obsessed with light It's just All lights with Katrina Oh Katrina It's all light waves. Light waves.

The waves of light. Katrina and the light waves is what she should have been called. Eat a bean. I will eat a nice bean. I bet you will get a nice one. It's fucking well. I'm spinning.

It's spinning. Let's have two... Cola or cat food. I obviously hope it's cat food. Okay, these are... I like the caramel or snail ones, but slightly darker. Yeah, they are a slightly darker hue. And a slightly more pale brown.

Okay, good luck. So this could be cat food or cola. Oh, God. What is it? Is it cola? No. Oh, is it cat food? Yeah.

What does it fucking taste like? It's like poo mixed with soy sauce. Oh, that's pretty bad, mate. Do I have to eat the whole thing? You don't have to at all. I didn't eat mine, did I? I'm not going to force you. I'm not a monster.

Mate, you're powering through, but you don't need to. If you want to tap out. It's all stuck with my teeth now. I know, I've still got snail in my gob I'm never going to get that out Oh, they really know how to do it These are nasty I mean, they're effective They're effectively nasty

As soon as you bite in there's no mistaking Do you know what I mean? You go, oh yeah, that's cat food That's a bad taste Oh yeah, that's a snail Even though I've never eaten a snail That's what I think a snail will taste like.

Oh, that's bad. Grim. Okay, Neddy, for your next question, Eli. Which three letters form the 1981 hit by Freeze? Get it right, I eat a bean. If I don't, I won't. It's like you think you know, but you're blank enough to know that you don't know.

So I'm... I owe you. Eat a fucking bean. Yeah, that is correct. Yes, I know that. Produced by Arthur Baker, who did also Planet Rock. Oh, Marty Hildebaker. Is he?

No, I don't know that. You are. You have no knowledge. What, of obscure shit I don't need to know anything about? Yes, you do have that kind of knowledge, but nothing wide-ranging. I'm spinning the dial. Here we go. Spinny, spinny, spinny, spinny, spinny, spinny.

And it's blue. Now, I can't lose really with this one. It's still got 50-50. 50-50 chance or blueberry or toothpaste. Either way, I'm going to be happy. Yeah, you got a little bit of a bligh on this one, didn't you? This is a bit of a mulligan, as they say in the gold trade. It's a bit of a touch there.

Yeah. You lucked out because toothpaste, I put in my mouth every day because it's not unpleasant. Me too. And blueberries. yeah, I put my mouth every day because it's not unpleasant me too So they've and blueberries I put blueberries in your mouth every day. You put blueberries in my mouth feed me blueberries big boy I've got two no shut up Two big blueberries big hairy blueberries. Yeah succulent juicy They'll burst in your mouth mate will they that would be that'd be horrific

That's a couple of things I need to clean up. Now, eat the toothpaste one and let's get on with this. Here we go. It's actually blueberry. It's blueberry. And it's actually not too bad. Okay, nice. Now, obviously, these are an overall lower quality bean than jelly beans, but...

Jelly bellies. Yeah, jelly bellies, but... Fine. I'm happy with that. Okay, who's asking the next question? Me. No, it's me. You ask me a question then. Here we go. Maybe

you will eat a bean next. I've had one bean. It was a bad, bad bean. It was a bad, bad bean. Which Dusty Springfield hit did the tourists successfully revive? Which Dusty Springfield hit?

Yes. Did the Taurists successfully revive? We're looking for a cover version by the Taurists who were... Now, unfortunately, I'm just going to go with what I think would be the obvious answer and just roll with that. Okay. Because I can't think of... I mean, there are a few.

Think of the Dusty Springfield songs you know. Hits. I know, yeah. What have you got? Well, there's only really one that I do know. Which is? Son of a Preacher. Okay, is that your answer?

I'm going to go with it. Are you locking that in? Choo! Wrong. Oh, what is it? I Only Want to Be With You. That, well, I guess would have been the other one. If only I'd remembered it.

Did you know? I didn't remember her. She did The Look Of Love. Didn't she do The Look Of Love as well? That's beautiful, yeah. Beautiful song. I can't remember if she does that or not. She does, and it's a great version.

Oh, there you go. All right, so, no being for you, here's your next question. Who revived the Hughes Corporation's Rock The Boat in 1983? Oh, dear. Do you not know? You know? No, I don't know.

Give us a clue. No! Give us a clue. It's not fair. Fuck my life. Come on. Could you read the question again, please? Yeah. I've completely forgotten what the question even said.

Okay, cool. I just read out your sign again No you didn't You missed it because you were too busy in your own fucking head again Not listening Listen I'd rather be in my own head than Your head It would be nasty just watching someone else's head Okay

The question was Who revived the Hughes Corporation's Rock the Boat In 1983 Don't rock the Hughes Corporation's Rock the Boat in 1983? Hughes Corporation's Rock the Boat. Don't rock the boat, don't rock the boat, baby. Don't dock the boat. Don't dock the boat either. Don't dock the boat.

Don't dock the boat. Don't dock the dick. Don't dock the dick, the dick, doctor. I've got a frozen shit. Come on. I'm going to dock it. Yeah, come on. Yeah.

Question needs an answer. Can I just be scatological? No. You don't know. You don't know. You don't know. I don't know. The answer was the forest or forest. Oh, wow.

Right, next one. Can't. Where do you hide it? So you can't cheat, which is what you do. I'm sorry. Blindfold. Just go on. The term blindfold for you in your head is sort of half-sea things fold.

And cheat. Cheat Eli. The dying humour of Eli Silverman withering on the vine. Just like his sex life. I'm going to be eating a bean. Oh okay, go on. Which member of the goodies

wrote their hits such as Funky Gibbon? Well, it would be the one, the only master of music himself. Bill the Birdman. Oddy. With his...

What? Just things I've heard. Anyway. What have you heard? Come on. It's all coming out. Is Bill Oddy's head next on the block? No.

No? Come on, mate. I'll cut it out, I promise. He's got rotten feet. Really? Yeah. on, mate. I'll cut it out, I promise. He's got rotten feet. Really? Yeah. Anyway, so I'm going to spin the wheel, spin the arrow. I'm hoping I don't get a bad bean.

Lemon or rotted cheese. We're going back to that again. And that looked bad. Paul didn't like it. He already tried and he hit cheese. I hit cheese. He hit the cheese. Not a good sensation.

No, I just cut the cheese. He cut the cheese. Yeah. I'm hoping for lemon. I very much like lemon. All right. Well, good luck to you, sir. Lemon.

Lemon. Oh, well, there you go. Sometimes it's not always a rainy day outside. Yeah, happy? Lemony. Right, next question for you then. Whose only top 20 hit was called You Can't Hide Your Love From Me?

Wow. You literally zoned out there. I saw your eyes just kind of blink off. You don't know. I have no idea. David Joseph. Who was he? Exactly. He had a one hit wonder. He is dead to us. Who were he? Exactly. He had a one-hit wonder. He is dead to us. Who were the M plus M

who had a minor hit with Black Stallions, White Stallions? Black Stations, White Stations, sorry. What? Did you make that question up? Have you literally just gone, I'll just say some fucking shit. Who were the M plus M who had a minor hit?

No shit it was minor. It was fucking non-existent. With, sorry, I said stallions before. I don't know, I might have said. I wonder why. Because you are looking for a well-hung man. I'm looking for a stallion. An actual stallion, a horse.

No, that's not really. No. Where would you keep it? I didn't say that. I'd keep it here, House of Pickles. It would die. That fucking horse

would be a miniature stallion. It could be a miniature stallion. Two days and then dead. It might be a miniature stallion. There's no such thing as a miniature stallion. You'd get a tiny pony. Oh, there's no such thing.

There's no such thing. There's no such thing as this. I'm the killer of dreams. I shut down people's dreams. Oh, I'm really sorry. I didn't know. I will just come and shit on your dreams. I'm the killer of dreams. I shut down people's dreams. Oh, I'm really sorry. I didn't know. I will just come and shit on your dreams.

I'm a dream shitter, Ronan. Right, can we just get this last person out of the way? I just have a big nappy full of shit for people's dreams.

Fucking hell. You fucking retrobate. Yeah, well, look, the more you say that, the more you're not answering the question.

Alright, well, I don't know. I don't even know what they're looking for as an answer. Are they looking for people's names or are they looking

for a band name or what are they looking for? Yeah, well, I don't know. I don't even know what they're looking for as an answer. Are they looking for people's names? Are they looking for a band name? Or what are they looking for? Yeah, well, you would think it was a band name, yes. No, I get the problem at the question. Right, go on. That's the first initial of the bands they're saying. Which M&M? Right.

Which M plus M? Like Mark and Mary. Yes. Right. So which M&M? So you know that's the band have M&M. Right. And there's some, there's M and the, and the, or M&M. Yes. Right. So which M and M? So you know that's the band have M and M. Right.

There's some, they're M and the, and the, or M and, yeah, and M. I still don't know the fucking answer though. Martha and the Muffins

who had a hit with Echo Beach far away in time. Love that song. Echo Beach far away, I don't know. Do do do do do do.

So, okay, so we didn't try watermelon or snot. We didn't get round to trying strawberry or fresh blood. We could try it some other time. Should we just try it now? I didn't get round to trying strawberry or fresh blood. We could try it some other time.

Should we just try it now? I don't want to because I feel very nauseous. In that case, because I'm a friend, I demand you eat one. Which one am I trying? Pick which one. It's either the red or the green we haven't tried. Oh, really? Okay.

So go for the red. Is that the blood? That's the blood or strawberry. And that's snot or watermelon. I'm going to go for snot or watermelon because I do love watermelon. But do you also love snot?. And that's snot or watermelon. Because I do love watermelon. But do you also love snot? It's snot. It's watermelon.

Is it? Very nice. In that case, I'll go for blood or strawberry. So let's dig deep. Oh, yeah. Lovely bit of watermelon. I kind of think this is going to be blood. I'm hoping it is, Paul.

If it's blood, I'm going to be very sad. It's blood. Oh, God. I can't. Putting the spit in the bowl. Oh! Whoa, Paul. Whoa, baby.

Whoa. That is so bad. It is like your tongue bursting. Not nice. Not nice at all. Your mouth fills up with very sweet, sugary, fake sugar and iron. Yeah. It's the taste of iron.

They've done that, harnessed the taste of iron. I've got some apple juice. No, I don't want to drink anything that's in your room. I don't want to touch anything. It's fresh apple juice. I don't want to touch anything. I don't want to drink anything that's in your room. I don't want to touch anything. It's fresh apple juice. I don't want to touch anything. I don't want to put anything in your room inside of me. All right.

Well, should we wrap the show up then? Let's wrap the show up. And that's Cheap Show. Thank you for listening. I've been Paul Gannon. And I am, as always, Eli Silverman. Thanks very much. And a special thank you to our patrons

supporting us on Patreon. And I have bought quite a lot of drugs with that money, which I've been snorting and injecting and smoking. Huh? Research chemicals. What? Research chemicals. Research chemicals.

Is that... Get off my head. You get off your head on those. Yeah. I don't take notes I mean I take recordings it's just me going instead of doing

the whole nuzzle thing yeah I've got another special secret way I'm going to thank people who are Patreon supporters

what is that plan I'm going to dress myself up like a corpse and lie in people's gardens naked I like it big murkin on yeah

yeah so I look like someone who's dead but had a really hairy dick why is that important absurdly hairy why is that important

it's just a thing so look so do you lay on the garden for a certain amount of time yeah how long couple of days and you don't move at all

well there's obviously the exposure problem with that but yeah I'll do it in summer it's not going to this deal's not available until summer can they touch you

no they can't touch you they can't of course they can't touch me they can't interact with you at all while you're there no don't look at me can they take pictures

next to you going like that with their fingers don't look at me don't look at me what right now yeah or touch me can I just say

you are not allowed to touch me during the I'm touching you oh stop it I'm touching you right but thank you very much really Paul Gannon had to resign from Cheap Show due to inappropriate behaviour Can I just say, you were not allowed to touch me during the... I'm touching you. Oh, stop it. I'm touching you. Right, but thank you very much, really. Paul Gannon had to resign from Cheap Show due to inappropriate behaviour on his cast.

Yeah, it is, isn't it? I have to read some statements where I, you know... You apologise. But I don't say the word sorry at any point in the apology. I'll recognise my mistakes and make sure I don't do it again, and I've learnt from those mistakes. But at no point am I going to say I'm sorry out loud. I don't know why it's so difficult for people just to say I'm sorry. Because they admit they got their dick

docked out. They got their dick docked out. They got their dick out. And it's embarrassing so they don't want to, or maybe they don't think they're in the wrong. It's a very heavy point to end the show on, I thought. Anyway, let's But let's just say thank you. If you want to donate on Patreon you go to patreon.com

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