CheapShow - Ep 62: Merry MinjMuncha

Episode Date: December 21, 2017

It's Christmas... Apparently! But don't expect anything special from CheapShow this year... It's just the usual cheap chat, odd tat, Bric-a-Brac and an unusual board game Paul found in a strange shop he'd never seen before... There is something VERY eerie about this game though! Something magical... Oh and Merry Christmas! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, hello to you. I'm Eli Silverman and it's another fantastic, exciting episode of the show we like to call simply Cheap Show. And here's the other, just if he waits, if he fucking waits, here's the other co-host of Cheap Show, Paul Gannon everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us on another special cheap show because it's a Christmas cheap show today. Jingle, jangle, jingle. Jingle, jangle, jingle. So that means we've got lots of lovely Christmas things for us to explore today on the show. What's coming up on the show, Paul?

We have so many Christmas things. I can't fathom the load. It's a packed show today. It's a packed show, great. It's a packed show. So we are... Whatever. So what have we got coming up on the show, Paul? Well, we have got so much stuff,

you will not believe your fat face. You said that. You keep saying that. It's true. You keep saying I've got so much stuff, but what is the stuff? What are we doing? Well, we have on the show today,

we've got... We promised it a while ago. We're going to go to your tat shelf and evaluate and investigate some of your interesting tat. Okay. Which, by the look on your face, means you haven't picked any out in advance. And you're now looking around going, oh. We're in.

Yeah, oh. We are recording in the. House of Pickles. Again, ladies and gentlemen. And so. Christmas at the House of Pickles. What's for Christmas dinner? Pickles.

Oh, God. Imagine a big pickle. A big roast pickle. Are you a... We can't have a leg or a breast on a pickle. You fucking can. What? God.

It'd be, are you a pickle or a pickle man? Yeah. And like all the crackers look like pickles. You could make a slit in a pickle yeah and then what would you do with the slit fuck it

wow Merry Christmas oh here's Daddy Eli fucking the Christmas pickle that could be a new tradition

it is a new tradition oh I can't wait oh do we you make a wish because if he comes after three pumps we all get a wish

for Christmas three pumps three pump all get a wish for Christmas. Three pumps, eh? Three pump chump silverman. And little pickle crackles. Crackle? Crackers. Little pickle crackers that you pull, and there's a little pickle joke in there.

Perhaps there's just a pickle in it. Knock, knock. Who's there? Pickle. Pickle who? Pickle-ickle-oo. Oh, no. That's great. That's exactly what ale. Pickle who? Pickle-ickle-oo. Oh, no, that's... That's great. That's exactly what a pickle joke has to be.

No. How many pickles does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know. No pickles. Does it, though? Paul, you're losing it. Why would you need a pickle? You don't.

Have you seen they can turn pickles into light bulbs or they can make them glow up or... What is it? They put them in a microwave and they all glow. Are you... What? I think I saw it on the TV or the internet. Inc or... What is it? They put them in a microwave and they all glow. Are you... What? I think I saw it on the TV or the internet. Incandescent pickles?

You put a pickle in a microwave, like a grape, and when you put them in and put the microwave on, they all spark and snap electricity. You see little blue sparks and they glow up. Ah. Don't try that at home. Please, God, don't start putting fruit in your microwave to see it glow. Mate, you can... Fruit is fine.

It's only metal that you're not going to put in. Anyway, yeah. So, pickle gravy with the. It's only metal that you're not going to put in. Anyway, yeah. So pickle gravy with the pickle, slice of pickle that you have. Veg, pickle, pickle,

pickle, pickle. And then little roasties, little roasty pickles. Roast particules. Yeah, particules. Oh, I love pickle Christmas at Eli's.

It's so sobering. Anyway, so we've got your tat shelf. We've got the Price of Shite. That's coming sobering. Anyway, so we've got your tat shelf. We've got the Price of Shite. That's coming back 2.0. Is it Price of Shite 2.0?

It is. It is the cliffhanger. Okay. And to end on for a very Christmas episode, we are going to try that super spicy hot double ouch no no no

noodle. It's a Samyang. I thought you were gonna say samsung then it is samyang samyang i believe yes we did uh try it yeah on uh before last yeah uh and you loved it didn't you you scarfed it but that was the one time spicy and i'm going for two times spicy we're gonna go for two times spicy two times the spice two times the flavor flavor yeah yeah when i do this hand gesture it means bring the microphone close to your mouth because that's why you're small i thought you're saying the episode before last i was literally saying i thought you're trying to

get me to microphone closer to episode the one before yeah yeah no do you see my confusion there i saw your confusion okay i'm holding it right up to my fricking face. You can keep an eye on your little bottom track there. Why do I have to do that? Isn't that what people are paid to do? Merry Christmas. Oh, and no, I lied, actually. I actually do have something Christmassy for Christmas this year. What's that?

At Christmas, what else do you do? You go and you buy a board game, don't you? Fucking hell. You do, you go buy a board game. Have you heard about how you win at Monopoly? How do you win at Monopoly? Just buy houses. Congratulations. I keep knocking my headphones out.

I've never had this problem before. Right. You just buy houses and don't get hotels. Is that a life hack? It's a Monopoly hack. My Monopoly life hack. Don't fucking play it? It's a monopoly hack. My monopoly life hack. Don't fucking play it. It's boring.

It's horrible. It is the most boring game in the world. What kind of cunt invented a game based around rent and mortgages and owning property? It was meant to be a sort of satire or parody of capitalism when it first was invented. Oh, really? I would have said Go For Broke would have been more of a parody. No, but Go For for broke was based on... Paul, your mouth thing has got out of hand.

That's what the ladies like. That's what the ladies say. They all often go, oh, Paul, your mouth thing has gone out of hand. And I'm like, I apologise. Geoffrey Rush, eh? What about him? Inappropriate.

Who's Geoffrey Rush? The actor? Yes. The one who's in Shine? That's right. And the role of Dr Frankenstein in Mystery Men? Yes, and a lot of other high-profile film work. House on Haunted Hill, where you played basically Vincent Price

in the remake. That was in remake, yeah. I quite liked that film. It's not great. It's not a great film, but it's a lot of fun. Good. It's a lot of fun.

It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. I like a nice haunted house movie. What were you saying before I zoned out and ignored you? Apparently he's made inappropriate feelies. Merry Christmas, everybody. If I was wrong,

I thought it was going to be Noel, but it wasn't Noel. It was Geoffrey Rush. Well, maybe next year, if you wish hard enough and, you know, you fuck the pickle in three, you'll get your wish and Noel Edmonds. You have to ejaculate into the pickle slit in three. You do. That's how you make the wish happen. You know, I saw there was a headline once.

Yeah. And it was like, what's that woman called? Carol. I don't know. Could be. No, like, you know, out of Atomic Kitten. Carol? No.

The one who was blonde and got married a few times and has a bit of a rocky life. I used to fancy her like mad. Cheryl Cole? No, that's a girl who's a loud girl. Oh, okay. KTF. Yeah, for the purpose of this story You don't have to say everything I say at the same time

I just thought you weren't going to get that sentence out So I was helping you finish it Hey Paul Yeah? Hey Paul Kiss me I can fucking fire at you with that sentence Go on

Hello, my name is Eli And this is a sentence That's a very good sentence Here's mine I like eating the hottest chilli in the world and Kona Taste Explorers. You're reading stuff that's in my room. You can't even think of a sentence. I'll give you a sentence now.

Eli Silverman is one of my closest friends and I adore him. He has both wit, guile, strength and a moral core that is completely... I've lost it it's wrong do a sentence in both wit girl and then he went on to add a third thing when it both refers to two I went overboard I went overboard anyway yes so this girl from was a funny it was a funny atomic kitten funny headline I saw once which said Oh Cheryl. Inside her sad split. You know, it's like a gossip mag.

Yeah. Yeah. They hadn't thought that through. No, they hadn't thought that through. Inside her sad split. Maybe they did think it through and that was just their subversive little way. I don't know. Anyway, I've got this board game.

I've got a board game. I got it in a charity shop. It was weird as well because the charity shop that I went to, I'd never seen before. It was up the road from where I live, just off Mill Road, where all the kind of major charity shops are.

And this one, I'd never seen before. So I went in and it had like books and everything like that. And then a whole rack of board games. And they had like Monopoly and they had all the usuals. And they had this one that looked like a chess box, like a wooden box.

I'll show you. Hang on, I'll get it out. It's a big thing. Nice. Yeah. Wow. That is... It's an interesting game.

That's a... It's all very ornate, isn't it? It's very ornate. And it was only going for like a pound. And it had tape around it. I've taped the tape off, but it had tape wrapped around it. Are we going to play this now? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's called... I think it's German. But it's called Minge Muncher. I thought that as well. I thought that. I thought that was a strange... I mean, it's...

It's an interesting game. I mean, it looks... Minge Muncher. Yeah, one word. Minge Muncher. No, no, it's one word. Minge Muncher. There's a...

Umlaut. Who is it over the U? So that's Minge Muncher. Oh, so it's Minge Muncher then. Yes. I don't know what it translates into. So we're going to play this. Let's do it.

We're going to play this. Yeah, let me open up. What's it about? I don't know. I haven't actually opened it yet. I took the tape off, but I haven't actually looked inside. It looks like maybe some kind of a sorry or frustration kind of thing. Hang on.

What do you mean, sorry? Board game, sorry. What, did you have to do that? Go around. I shat myself. Sorry. Hang on, here we go. Ooh.

All right, so let me have a look inside. So, a couple of chess pieces Well Chess-ish They look very phallic Each one looks like Chess-ish Chess-ish

Chess-ish Chess-ish Chess-ish But they all look like little penises Yeah they do They've even got little Little throbbing bits Metuses.

What? That's what the small slit at the end of your penis is called. It's called a what? A metus. Oh! So if I go up to a lady, I say, hello, would you like to meet us? Who's us? No, love. No.

And that was the day Paul Gannon was accused of inappropriate conduct in a podcast. It's not a very nice sounding word, is it? Latest. No, it's not. Are we going to play it now? We are going to play it. Well, no, no. We're going to play it at the end of the show.

I just wanted to show you at the beginning because it was very interesting. Let's play it now. No, we can't play it now. I haven't looked at the rules. All it says on the lid is touch the spot, join the dots, get the keys, if you please. Keys? I don't see any keys in it.

There's dice. There's a big red spot in the middle of the game that looks like a button. Well, press it. It might have some kind of animatronic aspect. It might do, but it doesn't have any batteries or anything on it. I don't know. Well, just give it a little press. Alright, I shall press it.

See, nothing. Oh, no. What's that? I don't know. What is that? It's moving. Can you hear that? It's like it's shifting. Can you hear there's a sort of That's really weird. It's got a vibration function to it? I'm getting a vibration right through my groin. I'm not even joking. Yeah, me too. Right, how do you turn this off? Because...

Er... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What? What's it doing? Just turn it... throw it out the window or something. I don't know what it's doing! It's getting hot. I can't touch it. It's too hot. Throw it out the window. No, no, no, I can't. You don't have a window in your bedroom. What's the smoke coming out of it now, Paul.

It's opening up. Oh Jesus Christ, look at that. Whoa. I'm getting sucked in. My bollocks feel all swimmy. I'm getting sucked in by the Minge Muncher. I'm getting sucked in by the Minge Muncher. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset.

Moodle time. Tales from the dance floor. Alright, how's the big guy? The price of the big guy is $1. How's the dick going? The price of the site It's a tall gun and saying hello Eli Silver Welcome to Geek Show

And I go and on nuzzle. Oh. Oh. What? What? What did you put in my drink? Fucking hell, man. Where the fuck are we? I presume we're in the House of Pickle. No? No, look, we're in some kind of field. We're in some kind of

field. What's going on here? Where are we? Why am I wearing your clothes? Well, I woke up a bit before you and had a little mess around. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Is that appropriate, listener? Is that appropriate, listener, do you think? Christ.

Here we are in a strange and foreign place that we don't know yet because the plot hasn't dictated the actions of our characters. I thought I was dreaming Paul. Look we're in a field for God's sake. No I know we're in a field. How do we get into a field? The last thing I remember is being in your dirty room you saying would you like a bite of this

mysterious meat. Me saying yes and then here we are. No it was the game remember oh god no you're right I remember minge muncher

yeah I just remember you saying oh here's some mysterious meat close your eyes I didn't no now I think you're conflating a sexual fantasy

with oh what's actually happening we open the box called minge muncher yes I press the button and then we're here it's all hazy after that. We opened the box called Minge Muncher. Yes. I pressed the button and we're here.

It's all hazy after that. Do you think the box sucked us in? You thought I was going to say off then, didn't you? You thought I was going to say off. Well, I didn't, did I? The box sucked us through.

Yeah. The box sucked us through something. Yeah, a vortex apparently. And now we're what looks like the set of Braveheart. It looks normal. I mean, it looks fine.

I mean, apart from that seven-foot-tall robin over there eating a cat. Hmm. Hmm. That's a bit different. I've not seen one of those before. That is a bit different. And look, there's a rich white man giving money away to the poor. I don't see that very often.

Oh my God, the satire in this land is razor sharp, isn't it, Paul? The satire is on point. It's not. It's so not. But anyway. Anyway, in this strange land we're in. There's a large balloon with a stripe on it. What?

Yeah? That had no point, but... It didn't have any point, did it? It's better than your fucking weird satire thing about a white man. I'm only looking around this imaginary country we've woken up in and seeing what I see. I can't help it if it's a bit blunt. There's a floating cat's bum. Yes, it's like a reverse Cheshire cat where you see its arse first and last.

Which is like actually real cats, to be fair. What, you see its arse first and last? Cats love showing you its arse. I mean, your cat. No, if a cat trusts you... Your cat has problems. No, my cat does not have problems. Your cat has problems.

My cat... I'll tell you why my cat doesn't have problems. It's cleaner and better fed than you. My cat's doing better than you. It attacks me. It doesn't attack you. It does attack me. It doesn't attack you.

You deny you are in the Egyptian river. Denial. Oh. About your cat well you are in a french river you're insane and now you have to think of another special river to try and top that aren't you you're in danube you're in you're you haven't got any clothes on you're in danube no no okay so what we're gonna do anyway oh well apart from all the wacky things around You haven't got any clothes on. You're in Danube. No. No? Okay. So what are we going to do anyway, Paul? Oh, well, apart from all the wacky things around us, we need to find some sort of civilisation.

Someone we can talk to and explain. Look, I think I can see... A pub. No, and you, you've got pub sense on. No, hang on. I think I can... There seems to be some kind of settlement over there, Paul. You're right, I can see smoking chimneys and things.

There must be a little village or something. Give me my shoes back and my pants. But then I'm naked, so how does that work? You be naked. Well, no, it was your choice to put my clothes on you, so you stay naked. I'll stay naked. Excellent. But can I have one shoe, at least? You can have my scarf. How come? What?

You came through the vortex naked, but I came fully clothed. I don't know. That's a strange aspect. We're going to be plot holes. I'll be honest with you with this episode. Okay. Well, let's... Right.

Well, let's... Shall we set off? Let's set off. Okay. To this magical village. It's strange, isn't it? It's very strange around here. It's purple clouds.

How far away do you think it is? How far away? Yeah. It's about a mile. Let's go. We're walking a mile, we're walking a mile, we're walking a mile with a song and a smile. Is this not a musical episode? It's not a musical episode, and could you stop singing?

But I wrote 17 songs for this episode now. What, and that's one of them, is it? That is one of them. Well, I've got a song. We're walking a mile, we're walking a mile, We're walking a mile with a song and a smile with my best buddy by my side. Eli said I was clothed, but he purposely lied. He put me in his clothes so I could see his slide. Whistle of love between his legs.

Slide whistle of love is quite a good line, I have to say. It's called slide whistle of love. Because when you suck it, it goes whoop, boop. Have you got a song? I have got a song. Go on then. Pull, pull, pull the wanker. Pull, pull, pull the wanker. Let's get there. Let's get there. This isn't a very

good bit of the story. You have a song when people are travelling a distance. Have you not seen Wizard of Oz? Okay. La dee da. We're going to a village. That robin ate a cat. Oh yeah. We're going to a village, we're going to a village, that robin ate a cat. Oh yeah, we're going to a village, we're going to a village, I've got an RC sack. You are hardly Anthony Newley, are you? I am not.

Thank God. Well, allegedly. Allegedly Newley. It's all very much up in the air right now. Listener, do your research. Right, so, we're nearly at the village. That song has took us exactly a mile. Now, Paul, I don't want you to mess things up by mixing up a metaphor or just misspeaking. I'll be my very best.

Let's just be on our best behaviour with these people. There's a big sign. We don't even know there's people here, OK? There obviously is. Who built the village if there were no people? Could have been God. That's a massive leap of logic. It could have been whatever strange force sucked us through the vortex, Minge Marger, into the Minge Marger world, as I'm now calling it.

Right, okay. Well, this apparently has a sign saying the village of Mingeville. Right, so... Is that really what it's called? That's what it's called, the village of Mingeville. That's what we're going with on that one. That's what God said. So if you're God built the village, this God built Minchville.

So I'm going to enter with aplomb Minchville. I'm in Minchville. I think we've crossed the city limits. I've pierced Minchville and now I'm inside Minchville. And it's lovely and warm in Mingeville. Well, yeah, it's like an ye olde village down here, isn't it? It's very weird. It's like we've walked into Hobbitville or something, isn't it?

Yeah, it's like Legoland. It's like, no, because they're completely different things in terms of... It's like Alton Towers. It's like a very cubic logic, and the other one is more pastoral and earthy. Okay, all right. So what's this like? It's not like Legoland. I want you to say it's not like Legoland. are very cubic logic and the other one is more pastoral and earthy. So what's this like? It's not like Legoland.

I want you to say it's not like Legoland. It's not like Legoland apart from the buildings. No, because they're all lovely as well not made out of Lego. You have never been

to Legoland. No, I haven't. Have you ever been to any magical place? I went to Alton Towers. How magical was that? And what was that one in Norfolk called?

Thorpe Park. Right. Yeah. But they're theme parks they're not magical realms. They are magical realms to me. I have been to many magical realms in my life. And I know when I see one that this is more Hobbitsville than Legoland. All right.

You corporate fucking shyster. All right, okay. Well, listen, if Lego Batman answers the door when we knock on it now, which is the next thing that's going to happen in this, you'll be fucking sorry, won't you? All right, well, then when we knock on it now which is the next thing that's going to happen in this yeah you'll be fucking sorry won't you alright well then I'll knock on it that house over there looks like

looks like the boss man's house doesn't it a boss man's house yeah you mean it's a big house and it looks like the biggest in the area it does look very big

so therefore the person who lives there has privilege it must be it looks very fancy like on a poor person in a big house like that Paul stop trying to shoehorn weird... This is going to be the most political episode of Cheap Show You'll Ever Hear.

In amongst fantasy whimsy. Okay. So, let's go over to the house that appears to be... Because I'm just trying to paint a picture. We're working in the owl medium here, Paul. Owl medium? What did you say? Owl.

There's an owl. That was a magic owl. Oh, that's good. It's a giant magic owl. The weird thing about that owl is its eyes are tentacles. That is very Lovecraftian. But we're in a magical realm where up is down and left is right, and who knows what we'll have to fight

I hadn't noticed that up was down Oh we're in Mingeville Let's just go It's a lovely little place Well do you know what Paul I have This is my next song

For the musical Christmas special We're going into Mingeville With a smile upon my face And there's a big house Over there Let's knock on the door

Polly Wollyolly, Wolly, Wolly, Wolly. Knock it one, two, three, four. That's my good song. Oh, mate. Let's knock on the door, though. Okay, let's see. Because I need to get out of here. Yeah. I really do. Well, obviously we need to find out where we are and how we can get home.

That's obviously the thrust of this plot. Yes. I tried to get that out. You had a shit song. It was worse than the first song. Just knock on the door. No one's in. And that was the end of Cheap Show Christmas Special. That was the end of the show.

No, shut up. Someone's come here. I think I can hear. Hello. Ah. You two are here. Oh, no, it's him. I'm Tim.

I am the big boss man of this whole village. Oh. The village of Minchville. This is a lovely little place. It's a lovely little place. It's a fascinating place. I'm Paul, And this is my friend And lover Eli

Hello Hello there to both of you He didn't argue that point Lovely I might have a chance here Are you going to Sorry I'm standing here

I'm meant to be doing a thing And Paul You're being completely disruptive Of something you fucking thought of Anyway Continue Yes I am Tim being completely disruptive of something you fucking thought of. Anyway. Continue. Yes, I am Tim.

People know me by many names. I am Mr. Novelty. Novelty Cat Man. I'm also known as the Keeper of the Keys of Return. That's interesting. The Keeper of the Keys of Return. I've noticed something about this universe. It's very blunt with its metaphors, isn't it?

It's very blunt. Very on the nose isn't it? It's very blunt. Very on the nose. And if you want to venture back to the real world through the Minge portal... Which we do, don't we, Eli? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we do.

Why did you drop your voice? Because I'm trying to differentiate. But if you're an actor, you can do that. Not that I'm saying you're playing any other roles in this part.

These are proper characters we're meeting. Hello, I'm Eli. I shall be like this now. All right, Paul? Yeah. I'm going to be playing any other roles in this plot. These are proper characters we're meeting. Hello, I'm Eli. I shall be like this now. All right, Paul? Yeah. I'm going to be like this. Oh, God.

And Tim, the key master, you were saying something? Yes, I was. Yes, I was. And so you, yes, lovely little thing. So you've got a little bit of a mission in front of you boys, if you want to get back. Now, please do come in and I'll explain what's going to happen with the rest of this fucking episode. Okay. You mean adventure? Adventure.

Yes. Now, you can see from my shelves, groaning they are, with all sorts of tat and novelties. Now, I am the keeper of the keys of return hang on before we go any further how many keys are we gonna have to get before we get out of this you will have to get three keys good that's alright it's a nice simple number rule of three I like it three keys and one of those little men with a big erection and the barrel comes over them what the fuck are you talking about? At this point, I'd like to break character and talk to Eli.

I'm here. What's going on? I'm here. I think what he means, Paul, is that we need to find three keys and also one of those little novelty men Can I play Eli for this scene and you play Tim?

What are you fucking saying? What he fucking said was, I'll fuck you out. Paul, you're such a fucking loser. Ow! Ow! Okay, Paul. So, yes, well done, Eli. Yes.

No, fuck you! Fuck my life! Okay, are we done now? Yeah, I think Eli's had his part. So there are three keys, yeah? There's three keys that you must obtain. Okay. The first you shall obtain from me.

And as you can see, I love a bit of tat. I do, yeah. And some novelty. Look, over there. There are some Pac-Man salt and pepper shakers. That is fascinating. And you can see also there's a completely outdated red apple post-it note dispenser. It's like the show Brick-A-Brack but with magical items in here.

And you are the Brian Kant of this village. I am a Kant. Ladies and gentlemen, I tried to avoid that joke. And I thought it would be left unsaid. And for those growing up in the UK during the 70s and 80s, Brian Kant, no, he was not a Kant! No. A nonce.

Nonce. He was not a nonce. So, in order to... Not everyone who entertained children in the UK on TV in the 70s and 80s was a nonce. But most of them were. I mean, it's turning out to be a fair few. But the point is, is that Brian Kant is one of the good ones. But most of them were. I mean, it's turning out to be a fair few. But the point is, is that Brian Kant is one of the good ones. Okay. Sorry. Sorry, Brian. I don't want this show

to be the root of any rumours that Brian Kant did anything on towards children under a certain age, right? That's clear. I want this. You've made that clear. I was trying to make it abundant. You make it abundant? You're going to make what abundant? My point. How can a point be abundant?

How can you not love a little song when things are going wrong? A lovely little song to cover up your mistakes. Come along with me to... Oh, God, I should have written that down. You should have written something down. Anyway, the point is that we're in Tim's shop and it's full of magical stuff. Look, Tim is here. Hello, Tim.

Hello. Lovely little thing. Nice to see you again. Is that how you get into character, by the way? It's a great little thing and it's a novelty item. It's got a clever mechanism inside it. Yes. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm just... Getting into character. And blow up a big balloon.

Right, so, Tim, please help us get out of this place. I'm the keeper of the keys of return. and blow up a big balloon. Right. So, Tim, please help us get out of this place. I am the keeper of the keys of return. Right, we've established that. Now, let's establish something. You have lots of tat. Yes. Now, in order to get the first key,

you must get the first key first. Okay, you can't get the first key last. You can't get the first key last and you cannot get the second key without first getting the first key. So it's important that you get the first key last. You can't get the first key last, and you cannot get the second key without first getting the first key. So it's important that you get the first key. So let me get this straight. To play the game and have a chance

to win Escape from this Realm, Lovely little thing. I must play a game with you. Yes. With my comedy friend, Nick Helm. Because I couldn't think of anything else to rhyme. So is it the first key or the third key or the second key or two?

Nick Helm. I want to make... I don't know because it rhymes with Realm, doesn't it? Let's start. No, I'm sticking to this song. Is it the first key or the second key or third key that we get? I do know that Eli is having lots of regret of making me do this song. He thinks

it is right. I'm gonna get this song done. I'm gonna get it right. Oh, is it the first key? Is it the second? Is it the third key too? Oh, la la la la la la la The end of the song Right So okay We gotta get the first key

So what you will need Yeah Can we fucking stay In a scene Yes And just have some parameters Yeah okay Of reality with this

Yes So Paul I've selected you To play the game For the first Of the keys Of return That you'll need You'll need three Have I said that Yes And the first one the keys of return that you'll need.

You'll need three. Have I said that? Yes. The first one you need first. Okay. Well, I'm going to play a fucking game. Oh, fuck. You'll get to play, Eli.

You'll get to play very soon. All right. Okay. Now, Paul, are you ready for this challenge? I am ready. What do I need to do? You need to blindfold yourself. I will introduce three objects to your willing hands.

Oh, you've magically put a blindfold over my eyes. Oh, I can't see. And you will have to guess, from the sense of touch alone, what kind of tat you have got in your hand. But what if I get a guess wrong? Well, you die. Hang on, what, in real life? Yes.

That's it. Over. Game over. Hang on, no, it's a game. It's a game. How many lives do I get? Three. All right, okay.

Three little lives. Per game or over the whole adventure? Over the whole adventure. Oh, fuck. I'm going to die. It's got a lovely little mechanism in it. Okay. And it's a lovely...

It's just such a... Paul, you're gonna fucking die because you're a shit. Aren't you a shit? What the fuck? I can do this. All right. Fucking you're gonna get off it.

Okay. Tell us what to do. Eli, if you could just shut up for a minute. Yeah, please shut up, Eli. You will? Yes, shut up, Eli. Well, I can't. Eli, please shut up, Eli. You will? Yes, shut up, Eli. Well, I can't. Eli? Yes.

Now it's time for Paul to play the game of guessing the tat. Are you ready for this, Paul? So how many do I have to get to get the key? Three. Two out of three. Oh, God. Well, you know as Meatloaf once said, right? Objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are. He also said, I'll do anything for love love but I won't do it up the bum

Well He's missing out Because people who love a bit of butt play What was that song about? It was about What was it actually about? Maybe like I don't know

Maybe it was about coming out of his comfort zone He would do anything for love but he won't Have a woman in latex Nurse's uniform stamp on his balls in a sex dungeon. I don't know. Are you ready for your first item, Paul? Okay, here we go. So here it is. It's very important because you will never return from the land of Minj,

and it gets really nasty at night here. There's lots of vulture demons. Oh, no. Have many people played this game? No one's played this. Are we the first people to be sucked... This is the first. Into your...

You've sucked into the vortex. I... Yes. So I'm the keeper of the many keys. Who built the board game? Do you know who brought it? I did. Fine.

That sorts that plot point out. It's fine. That's good. Are you ready for your first item? Put it in my hand. Okay. I'm just going to get it out of this. Don't look. Oh, I've got it to get it out of this. Don't look.

Oh, I've got it wet. So I'll try to dry that off. It's got a great little mechanism in it. And here you go. Here you go, Paul. It's a lovely little thing. Oh. What do you think that is?

Well, it feels like a dice, but it can't be a dice. Why can't it be a dice? Because it's got a big hole in the middle. So it's a square object, is it? It's like a square peg. It's like one of those things you put over coat hangers with shirts on. A square peg? It says if it's small, medium or large.

Yes, but that would have a little sphincter in it. It would have a little piercing in it. Can you feel a sphincter? No, it's very tight on my finger, I'll be honest with you. OK, so you can stuff your finger right up it. Now, I think I know what this is. OK, let me know. I think I know. I think, back in the day, we used to do a show called Unclickables.

That's a terrible name for anything. I thought so. And for a logo on our poster we had this random bit of tat. And it was like a little yellow square thing with noughts and crosses all over it. You've got it. Is that what it is? You've got it. That's exactly right. So I have got a piece of Cheap Show Heritage in my hand. It's the original Unclickables poster toy dice thing.

Wow. OK. It's a real bit of nostalgia there. Let's do the next one. OK. Are you ready for the next one? Yes. OK. This is a proper bit of novelty here A real bit of absolute landfill tat There you go

What do you think that is? What is that, Paul? What are you getting from that? I'm Tim I'm... I've got lots of cabinets Look at these cabinets I can't, I've got a blindfold on

Well, you don't look Eli looks What a lovely cabinet. Thank you, Eli. So, Paul, you're in the middle of the game. It's important. Don't rest on your laurels. You must get two out of three tat correct.

It feels like an eraser. Yes. Go on. It's a flat rubbery thing. Yes. But it's got nibble knobbles on it. It's got nibble knobbles on it. It's got nibble knobbles on it.

It's got all nibble knobbles all down it. And it's got nibble knobbles on it It's got nibble knobbles on it It's got nibble knobbles on it It's got all nibble knobbles all down it And it's got something in the middle My thumb feels What's that in the middle? My thumb is rubbing it And rubbing it and rubbing it and rubbing it And I can't What is it though Paul?

Is it? Oh no Is it? It's a rubber It's a rubber isn't it? It is a rubber You don't get no points for that though Not round here Not when I'm on charge There's a rubber. It's a rubber, isn't it? It is a rubber. You don't get no points for that, though. Not around here.

Not when I'm on charge. There's a bit of... Under my thumb, there's a bit of vibration. Like a little vibration in my thumb. It's like a little ridge. No. There's something there, anyway. It's ridged.

It's ridged for whose pleasure? No one's pleasure. It is not a sex item. Oh, wait. I think I know what this is. It's a little rubber shaped like a Game & Watch. That's absolutely right. It's a Nintendo Game & Watch style rubber with a lenticular central panel.

The lenticular, unfortunately... Is that what I was feeling? Yes. Oh. You got it right. Wow. You got it right there. The lenticular has gone, unfortunately.

But again, lovely little thing. And I won't be rubbing out any of my mistakes with that because it's too valuable to me. It's too precious. I can appreciate it. Even with just my hand. It's precious. I can feel your preciousness.

Now, you've already taken the tension completely out of the game by getting the first two right. So it's not fucking pointless doing this continue to do this but Just fucking do it and I'll see you die. Thank you Eli. So what we have is Bungle said he had to. Bungle's not to you Zippy.

When Bungle's not here I fucking own the Rainbow House. Don't I? Suck my dick. Suck it. Suck it. Suck it, George. Are you ready? All across the rainbow.

Keymaster deserves more attention from you, Paul. You've got ADHD, you fuckwit. So, you really do. You get some Ritalin. Okay, so give me the third thing And I'm just going to Cream this I'm going to fucking cream it Right

Third thing Put your mystery item In my hand right now Okay You ready Yeah Oh Oh it's warm

It's thick What do you think of that What is that It's warm and thick Describe the Oh actually I don't know It's not Oh I know what it is

You dirty bastard Yes What is it What is know. It's not... Oh, I know what it is. It's the dirty bastard. Yes. What is it? What is it, Paul? It's the eye patch. It's the blood... It's the dirty eye patch. It's the blood-encrusted eye patch that I found outside Moorfield's eye hospital.

Yes. God almighty. What, you did? Yes. Did you? No, Eli did. I found it. I got you proper.

No, now, that was just a little bit of fun. Just a little bit of fun. Not serious. And it's not for actually any other point. I still am really fucked off about that, just for the record. Good. I like it. I like it with you.

Just so everyone listening knows, and especially you, that really fucked me off when you did that. I was just simply... Oh, Eli was simply winning the game. I think Eli was getting right on my fucking dick end. Are you ready for the last item in the tat guessing game? Now this is a proper one.

It isn't the eye patch again with the crusty bloody bits on it. Now this has actually got a really clever mechanism in it, this one, and I want you to tell me what's going on there. Oh, it's this. God, I don't know what it is. It's got an extended bit. It's a plastic thing

at the top of it. It's a plastic... The way I feel it, it's a triangle-y kind of plastic thing, and it's got a hole at the top, and from the hole at the top comes this little ball on a stick which goes up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down. Yes, stop, Don't. Yes.

What do you think then? What do you think of that thing? What is that thing? I think it's a toy of some sort. Yes. Maybe a character. A character with one eye on the top. That's right. Is it an eye? Yes. It's an alien with an extendy eye bit. You can look at that, Paul, now.

I'm going to have a look. Tiggly, tiggly ting. Oh, it's so bright in your room of tat. Oh, and all these lovely items. Look at all the glass. Look at all the glassware. It's a little alien. They're all shiny.

What's that from? It's an alien, and he's wearing a sort of football. Football. Uniform. I think it's what you'd officially call because of the hole in his bottom. Is it a pencil sharpener? It's not a sharpener. A pen topper. It's a pen topper. A pen topper. Well, a novelty

pen top with an extending alien eye coming out the top of that. And that is the last piece of tat. And I just want to say to you both, well done. Yeah, I would have done that as well. I would have been just as good. Except better, because Paul's a dick.

Ah! Yes, Eli, absolutely right. And you're quite a good actor. Thank you. You're having a much with the role. What, you're better than you're own? I'm Tim, and I've got my glassware. Can I have?

Sorry to interrupt. The key? It's a bit far. Can I have the fucking key, please? Here is the key. Oh, it's beautiful. It's like a bit fun. Can I have the fucking key, please? Here is the key. Oh, it's beautiful. It's like a big key. And it's also got a novelty bit with a bottle opener on top.

It's got a little bit of a snow dome in the top. It's got a snow dome in the top. It's got a lighter attached. It's a Swiss Army key. So it's a very big key. Where do I put it? Up your fucking arse. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm already halfway up. I'm wiggling it down. Okay, so, well done, you two. Oh, it's in. It's going to be difficult to walk. I'll be honest with you. You've put the key in. Lovely job.

So, you must now. Where do we get the second key? Am I going to have to put all the keys on my arse? It's on top of the mountain of shite. If you look out the window, just past that cabinet, it's over there. Pull back the dusty old velvet curtain. Yes.

And have a look. That wasn't as rude as you thought it was going to be. I know. I wanted that to be ruder, but it wasn't. So out the window. Yeah. And you can see there, that mountain. Look at it.

Oh, my God. Snow-peaked. Mountain. It's a mountain. Yeah. I know what a mountain looks like that mountain. Look at it. Snow peaked. Mountain. It's a mountain. Yeah, I know what a mountain looks like too. And if you can see, it's got a big cliff. It's got a very big cliff and that's where our next destination has to be.

Yes, the key is at the summit of the mountain. Oh my God. I will transport with you via hologram. Are you coming with us? I'll just be around to see whether you've done it or not. Because I'm the key master. Why can't you trust us? Yeah, but I'm sort of the games master kind of character.

You don't have some kind of orb you can look into and watch from here? I will... We just don't want you around, do we? No, we don't want you around. Eli, you're getting on my tits right badly. Mate, tell me about it. This fucking cunt always gets on my tits. Now, you two.

Now, make your way and you must go to the Mountain of Shide and play Price of Shide 2.0 Cliffhanger. Get it, everybody? Oh! And if you do that,

you get the second key. Then I will appear to you as if in a dream. You know when you write a script, you don't often write what's going to happen to the story in the script. You know when you write a script, you don't often write what's going to happen to the story in the script. You can just make it happen later. Okay, just fuck off out

there then and do that. Come on, Eli. We've got to go to the next place. Let's go. I'm coming along. Hello. Hello. There's too many Elis. Oh, there's Elis multiplying all over the place. I'm an Eli. I'm an Eli. They're my Eli. They're a horde of Eli robots. Just turn them off. I'm getting out of here.

Which one's the real Eli, though? You'll never know. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Fucking hell, I'm glad to be out of that place. Yeah, so am I. I'm Eli.

Are you going to do that voice? Seriously, now? Well, I'm trying to distinguish myself from everyone else. Until the next scene, though, yeah? Paul, what is wrong? This is my normal voice. You sound like a brickie. A brickie?

Yeah. I'll fucking read the sun and smoke a fag. Can we just get over to this mountain, please? Let's go to the mountain. Jesus Christ, I want to go home for Christmas. Trundling along. Oh, yeah, I've got a song. Go on.

Oh, we're going to the mountain of shite. And we're going to guess what the price is like. We're going to the mountain of shite. And we're going to trundle up there. And I've got fucking lovely hair. And Paul's not got nowhere to go with this. So let's go up the winding path. Up to the mountain.

It's not off. Nice round here. La-di-da. Come on, Paul. All right. I know where we're going, I was just letting you sing your song. Let's go up there. Check my messages on my phone, can't get any reception here. You can't get...

Mingeville. It's not, we're outside Mingeville now, it's getting a bit chilly here, going up the mountain. Oh God. Oh God. That was a lot further away than I thought it was going to be. Oh, God. That was a lot further away than I thought it was going to be. Yeah, it's a bit of an optical illusion, isn't it? It's much bigger and steeper than it looked from inside that guy's house as well. We have to climb this mountain now, do we?

Well, I think, yes, in order to get the key... Oh, God, we're going to die. I think there's something to do with... There should be someone here who has the key... Oh, God, we're going to die. I think there's something to do with... There should be someone, someone here who has the key. I don't understand. Well, let's... Hang on, there's a little fire burning right by the foot of the mountain. Let's go over there.

Let's go over there. Hello, mate. You all right? Can you help us? We need to find a key, apparently. Hello? Excuse me? Oh, hello there.

How you doing? I'm the man who looks after the mountain. Oh, no. Please don't do that voice. Oh, I can't help it. It's my own voice, isn't it? It's not your old voice. It's the voice from some TV show. It's not. It is. It's not.

It's the animated TV show. It's another voice. It's my own voice. Mummy and Daddy made a baby and. It's another voice. It's my own voice. I was... Mummy and Daddy have made a baby and the baby has this voice. My name is Toodlepip. Hello. I all look after the mountain.

I'm Toodlepip. Well, I'm Eli. Hello. Nice to meet you. We need to... Yeah, hello. I'm Paul. Nice to meet you.

No, no. I don't think there's anything wrong with your voice. I'm Paul, yeah. Oh, Milky Bar's on me. Oh, that's very funny, that. I fucking can't speak properly, me. Right, Eli, yes, hello. Oh, shit. Right, yeah, so you're the Goblin of the Mountain or whatever, are you? Yeah, oh, I have been told of your coming.

It's apparently very messy and noisy, with tears. Quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank Quank, quank, quank I was told of your coming by Tim Who knows everything Oh yes, the The godlike sage of our Of our lovely mingetopia

Okay, yes That's right, we've just come from Tim's And he said we could get another key here The key of return, the second key of return. So, excuse me Mr Goblin Little Toodlepip, how do I do it? Oh, well, it's very simple, but I must warn you, not many people have played the game and survived. Oh.

It's a terrible game to play, so here's what you've got to do, right? First of all, you've got to play a little game what you gotta do right first of all oh you gotta we gotta you gotta play a little game with me yes it's very simple from here to the top is clear from here to the top of the mountain calm down explain yourself in your own time don't let him put you off I won't I promise thanks Paul you're lovely no thank you mate all right I Even if he fucks about with you, I'll be your friend. Oh, it's like I've found a kindred spirit. Anyway, the key is somewhere up the mountain. I see. But the only way you'll find it is by climbing the mountain. To climb

it, there are 25 steps from here to the top. Ah, I can see the stone steps all shiny. I have. And they're engraved. With runes. With runes. With rude runes. What does this rune mean? Cock. I see. I see. That was a very witty joke, Mr Toodlepip. Thank you.

Okay, stop with the loving with Paul and Toodlepip, okay? So, Toodlepip. Yes. It's like The Price of Shite, is it? It's a bit like the Earth game you may know as The Price of Shite. 2.0. Cliffhanger.

But this is real. This ain't a game, buddy. You could leave your life up there. There's peril. There's peril involved. Okay. What's going to happen is I'm going to bring out three items, each one priced under one pound.

Are they really or are you lying? No, unlike some goblins who play this game, I fucking put the rules in place so they're fair and just. Not like some people who go out of their way to fucking win by being spiteful and dirty. Eyepatch. So yeah, I'm a fair, fair but firm mountain man. Yes yes so i'll bring out one of each of these items and you must guess their price lowest to most expensive and you'll get the cheapest one out first yes and you guess the price but if you're under or over the price you go up the steps that amount of difference yes right yes so if you can guess all three correctly

before you reach the peak of the mountain, oh, I'll grant you the key so you can flee. Brilliant. Oh, I'm the king of the mountain. You're not the king. I'm the king of the mountain. You're a goblin. I'm the man of the mountain. You're a goblin, man.

I have got your key. You've got scaly arms. I have got some items. I have got your key. You've got scaly arms. I have got some items. I have got some items. They are few. One, two, three. Your eyes look like frogs. He's very mean. I know.

I couldn't blame it. My mummy was a toad. Right. So, I'm just going to sit over here for a bit. Yeah, good, Paul. You sit over there because this isn't your game. This is mine. No, I'm going to sit over there.

You've got the first key. Right. And play Reigns on my phone. Okay. Because I'm enjoying that because this isn't your game. This is mine. No, I'm going to sit over there. You've got the first key. All right. And play Reigns on my phone. Okay. Because I'm enjoying that. All right. It's a good game. Yeah.

It only costs like two quid. What is it? It's a game for the phone. It's great. You download it. It's like a card collecting game. Oh, is that one with the kings? Yeah, the king.

And it's like, do left or right for your decisions. It's cool. I'm going to sit over there anyway while you play this game. You can do that, yeah. One with death and peril. All right. It's up to you, Toodlepip. Oh, thank you, Paul.

Okay, Toodlepip, I'm ready. God, I'm ready. Right, so... Christ, I'm really ready. Are you ready for... The first item. Item number one. Yes.

I'm going to go into my magic bag. Oh. Oh. Here is item number one. Aha. Describe it. Now, this is... Wait, did I leave the price on?

Oh, don't do that again. I left the price on. You fucking did. I left the price on. Well, take it off. Good thing I didn't see on. You fucking did. I left the price on. We'll take it off. Good thing I didn't see it. Oh I got it from the local store. So this is a new item or a charity shop item? This is a charity shop item from uh Mingeville's uh local charity. Save the Minges. Now Toodlepip. Yeah. this is a gingerbread man cutter.

It is. It's exactly what it's for. You make the cookie dough or your gingerbread dough and you press it in and it makes a cookie man. And this is definitely a used item. It has specks of rust on it. Not good. Not good. Not good for your health, I would have thought, if you eat the rust.

So it must be very cheap. No one really wants this. And now we're talking anywhere under a quid, yeah? It's anywhere under one pound of earth pence. But the other two items are going to be more expensive than this. Yes. I don't know why I'm thinking of a figure. A figure's coming into my head.

Is it Pamela Anderson's figure? That's what I think of. It's lovely. And then... I want to go... Not anywhere near her. I want to sit away from her across the room. And just do something with your head.

And just go... Go like, oh, he's dead sexy. That's good. Yeah. So, this gingerbread man cut. So, I'm going to say 35p. That's the... 35p, you say?

I do say 35p. I'm locking that in. Right, well... Have we fucked the game already? Completely? You said... We have, haven't we? I've fallen off in. Right, well... Have we fucked the game already, completely? You said... We have, haven't we? I've fallen off the cliff already, haven't I? We haven't got the key. I've fucked it. You said...

I said 35. You said 35p. It was 20p. Oh, 15. So you have to climb... 15 steps. You have to go 15 steps of the 25 available. Oh, that's not a good start. Oh no, it's not a good start. Start climbing. Some of these runes.

Here's a walkie-talkie so we can talk from quite a distance. Hello, Toodlepip. Over. Toodlepip. Hello, Toodlepip. I'm walking up now, Toodlepip. Right. I'm going up one.

One, two. I'm going up two. Alright. You might want to do it faster because this isn't going to be very interesting to listen to. I'm going up three now, but I'm going to look at some runes. Oh, alright then. Oh, there's a rune of a fanny. Sorry, I'm over here laughing at that.

Oh, there's some quite porny runes up here. So, I'm up. I'm up to... Oh, it's getting a bit chilly. It's all windy up here. I'll do sound effects for you. Good. Ooh, it's cold. Can you pretend you just swatted Pamela Anderson? Right, you're at step 15 now. Oh, you look very far away. It looks like I'm not going to get the key.

This isn't good. I'm going to have to pull my finger out with the next item. Yeah, you're going to have to. Let's have the next item then. All right. How are you going to do it if you're on a walkie-talkie at the bottom? Oh, you know what? I haven't thought this through.

Just chuck it up here. I'll throw it up to you from a distance. Luckily, I've got this magic elf who will take it up. Okay. All right, then. I'll take it up to him. I'll take it up. E by a killag. Where is it? I'm flying up now. Here you go mate. Ah now this is. Oh over what do you see? This is a happy meal toy.

Yes a happy meal toy. And some good Happy Meal toys. Did I leave the price on? Did you do it again? No. Okay, good. So, yeah, there's some of these Happy Meals are awful. Like that's, we've seen a lot on the show over the years. Toodle Pip.

Toodle Pip's elf, sorry, or whoever I'm talking to. No, he's gone. Over. Over. Okay. And, you know, there was one that was that Smurf house, or whoever I'm talking to. No, he's gone. Over. Over. Okay. And, you know, there was one that was that Smurf house, which was terrible.

Sort of Smurf Tupperware. But on the other end of the scale, there was the monkey hand, Scooby-Doo monkey hand, which is one of my favourite things. We talk about that in legend, of the bearded man with the monkey hand and the fapping the fapping, fapping, fapping sounds at night. The wanky monkey hand, yes. Yes.

Okay, this is, however, a miniature Connect 4. And it's in the box still, so that's good. Now, this is a toy that came free with a £2.50 Happy Meal. That's right, but it was found in a charity shop. So it can't be worth very much. But it's got to be more than 15... Now, what did you say? No, you said 20p.

It was 20p. And here it is. It's all in here. Oh, this isn't what I was expecting. No, it's not. See, I was expecting a little miniature rack, like a Connect Four rack, but what this appears to consist of is just pieces that slot into each other. You could argue it's modular. It is extremely modular.

They're little modular pieces, but how do you play this? You play it like tiles. I think you get yellow and I get red, and you what do we do? And you slot the square tiles together. That is not Connect 4. No, but look, you put one down, and then I'll put a yellow. And then I try and connect four of these. Yeah, and then I've got stretchy arms, by the way. That's why all of a sudden I can reach out and play Connect 4 with you.

You shouldn't have stayed at the bottom and done the whole walkie-talkie thing. I should have come with you. I'll come up with you. Okay. Bear with me. Right, I'm here now. Hello, yes. Okay, so it is Connect 4, but without the grid.

And I quite like this. It's all right, isn't it? Look, and I could go, oh, I'm going to block you. You're going to block me there. So you can't have that. And then I'm going to go here. I'm going to go here. What are you going to do then?

I'm going to put another red one down upon it. And then I'll block you there as well. Yes, but you're not doing very well though, are you going to do then? I'm going to put another red one down upon it. And then I'll block you there as well. Yes, but you're not doing very well though, are you? No. And so there you go, yeah. It's Connect 4. But they've worked out a totally different way of doing it without the rack. So there you go.

Quite clever that. It's alright for a Happy Meal toy. So I'm thinking... Alright then. 70p. 70p you say? I'm straight off the So I'm thinking... All right, then. 70p. 70p, you say? I'm straight off the cliff, aren't I? Oh.

Yeah. Because that was 30p. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, can I just come up a minute? All right, sorry. I'm running off the cliff. Hello, Eli.

You fucking lost this, didn't you? Yeah, I've been forced off the cliff. I'm going to get a fucking keynote. Here he goes. Up. He goes, one, two, three, four, five, Eli. You fucking lost this, didn't you? Yeah, I've been forced off the cliff. I've got to get a fucking key now. Here he goes. Up. He goes one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Off the cliff you go. Get off.

Get off. Ah! Well, Eli fucked that up because he's not very good at this game. He cheats. Okay, well, I'm... I am... Ooh, I am... Okay, what are you, actually? This is a really good question.

I am now taking over the role of Doodlepip. And you... You still, Paul, my friend, you still... Oh, so, okay. So I have to now guess an item that I bought and I know the price of. That's not going to work. I haven't thought that through. No, you haven't.

So, how about, oh, hello, I'm Toodlepip, and you've lost a life, Eli, but now you come back. Oh, I'm here again. Right, so I'll do you a deal, because I like you. Yeah? If you can guess the next and final item within 10p either way within 10p either way I will give you

the key okay alright yes thank you very much for this last chance can I just say before I go back

down the mountain you fucked that up proper I know you suck at this game I think you cheat when you're in charge

and you don't like it when you lose you know what it is Paul I think that I just am used to living in London. Where the prices are extortionate. Where they are a lot higher, generally, than in Cambridge, where things cost 20p.

Nothing costs 20p in London. Nothing. Nothing? Not even Freddos anymore. Not even Freddos? Not even Freddos. I like Freddos! Matches, 25p, at least.

All right, then. So here's the final. I'm going to go back down. Okay Paul. Bye! I'll get the key, don't worry. Right, here's the final item. Behold! Ah! Now, this is a little lunch box made of metal. It's on the cover, it says, 50 greatest magic tricks. Oh!

It's a box of magics! It's a box of magic, which is appropriate. It is! Because we're in a magic kingdom. We are! Yeah. cover it says 50 greatest magic tricks so it's a box of magic it's a box of magic which is appropriate it is because we're in a magic kingdom we are yes we were sucked here just for an update through a magical vortex in a game called minj muncher minj muncher named after my mom backstory i'm opening it and it has oh it has a little thumb in here, it has a handkerchief, magic handkerchief, oh and some, some rings. So these are all just terrible magic tricks are they?

They're not terrible magic tricks, they're from Marvin's Magic. And there's some cards in there and I think it was 90p. 90p Be careful, be careful I bought this magic set in the same place that I bought the connect 4 and the gingerbread 75p

So you say 75p You need to be 10p out either way to win and Eli Has he fucked it? Oh he fucked it. It was a pound. It was a pound.

I was going to say a pound. I bet you didn't did you? So you don't get a key. How are we going to get it out of Minchland then? There's a way. You just give me the key

so we can get to the end of the show. Give me the key of me if you want it. Oh yeah? You have to do something terrible though. Do I have to josh your knob off?

Josh it hard. Jack it? Ram it hard? Do I? Because I'm prepared to. No, you've just got to be my best friend in the world ever. Alright, I'll call you. Just give me the key. You promise you'll call if you give me the key? I will. Because I don't have any friends on the mountain. That's fine. I'm very lonely.

Well, you can look at the runes and... I've looked at them for 20 years, mate. I want a friend. Will you be my friend? Yes. Forever? Oh, God. What's happened to us?

Paul, what has happened to us? On a serious level, what is going on with our lives? Just give me the key, will you, Mr Tiddlepip? All right, well, you broke me spirit you're not gonna call are you here's you can't make it happen by you doing it I have to make it happen no Tim's arriving Oh Tim's arrived it's the ghost of Tim yes toodlepip hello lovely little thing that's my catchphrase yeah we know hello, lovely little thing. That's my catchphrase. Yeah, we know. Lovely little thing and legend.

Toodlepip, as master of the realm of Minj. Yes, oh, Tim. I order you to give the key of return, the second key of return, to our intrepid adventurers Eli and Paul alright then let me do my spell magic mountain if you please I am begging on my knees if you would be nice to me deliver upon the magic key. Oh. So. Oh, here's the key, Eli. Oh, brilliant.

Right, we've got two keys, Tim. Even though you're utter shit at the game, apparently Tim likes you. No, he just knows we've got to get to... I think he fucked this completely. And if it wasn't for the good favours of Tim and yourself, Toodlepip, I don't know what we'd do. Now, we're on the other side of the mountain, just walking down now. Oh, is that it? The story just goes? Well, I just got the key. We got the key. We've got to move on.

So, now we've got the key, Eli, what should we do next? Let's walk down the side of this mountain. Well, let's just ask Tim. He's here. He's not here. It was an apparition. Oh, mighty. He's dissolved. Toodlepip, where do we go? Just go down the fucking mountain.

Just go down. Oh, here's the apparition hologram of Tim coming back. Hello. Lovely little thing. You're not even putting any effort in now, mate. Lovely little thing. So, you guys. Elon, very well done.

No, no, well done. He was shit. No, I love him. I think he's brilliant. Hey, shit. Oh, no, the robots are coming. Ah, the Eli robots. No.

You've done very well. You have two keys of returning. Yes, we do. And on this jingle jangle night, I don't know why I said that. I like it, though. On this slippery, frosty night, you must find and conquer the last key. Oh, no. Who holds that?

And the key is guarded by Danny the Dragon. He's Danny the Dragon. Ho, ho. Whatever that is. That one, yeah? Yeah. All right, let's go see Danny the Dragon, then. It's in that cave down there.

All right. Well, thank you, Tim. Come on, Eli. Let's go. Oh, fuck it all. This is going on forever. Right. Where's this fucking dragon, then?

I want to get this over in Dunwood. It's been quite the adventure. It has been quite the adventure, Paul. But I'm ready. Wacky characters. They were very wacky, and quite clearly distinguished from one another as well. I thought so.

But, Paul, we do need to get the third key of returning. Yeah, we've got to find it. As Tim just said. And I think it's a dragon, has it? I don't know. Let's just guess. Paul, look at that cave over there with the smoke, black smoke belching out of it. Well, I'm going to go ahead and take a wild guess that that's where we need to go, Mr. Silverman. I think so, yes.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go over there. We're going to see the dragon. Booga, booga. We're going to see the dragon tonight. We're going to see the dragon. Booga, bowooga.

I hope he doesn't give us a fright. Yeah, that's our noodle dragon song. Oh, it's a noodle dragon? Well, that's what I've heard on the grapevine. Look, there he is. You can see him all glowy and red in there. Hello? No.

That should not be that. Whoa. Hello? No. That's enough. Whoa. Hello. Are you okay? No, but thank you for asking. Hello, I'm Eli and this is my friend Paul. Fuck off. It's probably best you do his voice right now.

Yes, it is. And we are trying to escape Minjland. But why would you want to escape? Tim, the master of the keys of return, told us that you hold the third key of return. Is this true? It does. Is it Danny?

Indeed. Lie in my cave, the key. But I shan't give it just to any old Tom, Dick or Eli. That's my laugh. Great laugh. Thank you. What do we have to do?

Well, I am Danny the Dragon, the Noodle Dragon, they call me. I see. See, I told you he was the Noodle Dragon, didn't I? Yes, you did. Well done, Paul. I see. See, I told you he was the Noodle Dragon, didn't I? Yes, you did.

Well done, Paul. What I am going to ask you to do is probably the most dangerous, the most terrifying of your trials so far. Oh, no. Nothing ahead is as daunting as the challenge I have for you. What is it? I'm getting there. Fuck it out.

Please fucking tell me. I am the noodle dragon. Yes, we've established. Now. We've established that. Danny's talking. Okay. I'm trying to build fucking character and tension.

Building character and tension is not just saying I'm the noodle dragon. You've got to eat some noodles. I'm the noodle dragon. You've got to eat some noodles. Yeah. You must eat some noodles. What noodles? I can eat a noodle. What's so difficult about that? You're quite the some noodles. Yeah. You must eat some noodles. What noodles? I can eat a noodle. What's so difficult about that?

You're quite the noodle expert. It's been told to me by my noodle fairies and my pickle witches. And my spliff badgers. No, that's wrong. No, it's not. Badger. It's the rule of null fielding. Spliff ducks.

Badger. When you introduce a bad null fielding. Spliff ducks. Badger. When you introduce a badger, your surreal whimsy has failed. What's wrong with spliff ducks? Spliff ducks is better than spliff badgers. Anyway, you've got to eat some noodles. Yes. Now, Eli, you are quite the expert, I've been told. Why don't you look into this bowl over here and tell me what you see?

That is a perfectly prepared Samyang chicken ramen noodle, but it's the two times spicy one! What is all of this? You said such a thing is possibly dangerous to eat. This could melt my very gullet. There have been rumours of this, of people

saying they've been put through torture eating it in a single sitting. So what do we have to do? It's very simple, Mr Silverman and Mr Gannon. You have one minute to eat all of that portion of noodles. That hot, fiery noodle mass upon this bowl. And if you don't eat it in a minute, right? I don't get the key? We don't get the key.

We have to stay in Minjland forever? Yes. And be your slave? That wasn't on the cards until just now. So yeah, you'll be a slave. Okay. Ah, lovely. Are you ready?

I'm ready. Are you ready, Paul? I am also ready to eat this. Let's do this. Let's eat this noodle in a minute. Right. And so your trial begins. You have one minute.

Are you ready? This is the Samyang two-time spicy chicken ramen noodle challenge. Your time starts in three, 2, 1. Feast! Going in. I'm going in. Oh no, this might be a bit impossible. That's spicy, I can tell you that now.

Right now Paul. Oh, we're not going to eat this in a minute. No way. I can't do it. 43 left is that spicy oh we can't eat all I thought there'd be less of this no it's too much I didn't think it through it's quite nice though it is nice but it is oh my god that's so spicy. I'm starting to do damage. Oh god almighty! 18 seconds.

No we can't do it. I'm stopping, it's hurting my mouth. I'm gonna go up. I'm gonna take it all. Fucking hell that's spicy. Here we go. Fuck me. I'm getting water. Get water for me in the magic cave. That is so hot. Oh, God.

It's really, really hot. Oh, God. My mouth is in a lot of pain. Yeah, mine's in a lot of pain. My tongue is really hurting. Yeah, I've got it all the top of my mouth. And when I breathe, I can feel everything. Oh, God.

You did not eat all of it in a minute. I'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm sorry but as you have made such a valiant how does anyone eat that for pleasure i mean that's so hot i can't imagine you'd have to have some cream with it that really hurts oh it's not in it even just in the pain just pain in a In my eyes. My nose. Really? And I've got it on my hand somehow. And if I rub my eyes or have a wank later, it's going to be a fucking nightmare.

Anyway, back into character. However, because you put such a valiant fight up against this most vicious of noodle... It really is a fighter. And I've heard of your adventures so far. You have become legend in the area of Mingetopia. And I can only, as one soldier to another, give you the key you so rightly deserve.

Yes, we've done it, Paul. Excellent. And here is... Oh, he's coming. Here's a lovely little thing. Great mechanism. I believe the Tim is coming back. I am...

Taking his fucking time, though. Appearing now. Well done. Lovely little thing. Lovely job, chaps. Brilliant. I see the key. Here's the third key of reckoning.

Oh, my God. Oh, do I have to take this up my arse as well? Yes. That's three keys now up my arse. That's good. Do they have to come out again? No, it's the... If you could just let them come half way out and then suck them back in again.

Okay. I can watch it. Let me just sit on it. Oh ho ho ho. Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. Here we... Oh, here we go. Right.

It's in. And you know what? When all three are in, it's not so bad. It's not so bad. It feels all right. You've probably loosened it with the first two. I've probably given it a bit of purchase, yeah. Anyway, they're all up my arse now, Tim.

Now what? Now you will return. Just like that? Yeah. Ooh, goodbye. Oh, there's no ceremony. Look, I'm saying goodbye. All right, bye.

Lovely everything. Goodbye. Bye, Tim. Bye, Tim. Say goodbye, Eli. Bye. Bye. Well, hold my hand and. All right, bye. Lovely everything. Goodbye. Bye, Tim. Bye, Tim. Say goodbye, Eli. Bye. All right. Well, hold my hand and we shall travel back together.

I'm not actually holding your hand in real life. You've got a problem with that? Why do you have a problem with that? It's weird recording something. Well, then I'll go back on my own. You have to touch me. Otherwise, you'll just stay here. I've got the keys up my arse.

Okay. Therefore, I'm the one who travels back. All right, I'm holding your hand. Goodbye, Mr. Tim. Goodbye, Tim. Goodbye, Dragon. Goodbye, fair adventurers. Goodbye, Tim. Goodbye, dragon. Goodbye, fair adventurers. Goodbye, Toodlepip.

Oh, goodbye. You've done really well. Goodbye. What a lovely adventure. Bye. My mouth hurts. Hold my hand. Hold my hand.

Okay. I don't know if I'm really doing that in real life. I'm made to do it, though. Oh! Wow. Well, what an adventure that was. Oh, the box. Oh, it's closing all by itself.

Oh, it's all... It's magically closing. Now it's disappearing. It's turning into a... It's turning into a pickle. A Christmas pickle, Eli. It's a Christmas miracle. I'll turning into a pickle. A Christmas pickle, Eli. It's a Christmas miracle. I'll just put a slit in that and...

And then you can have Christmas wishes all year round. I'll rub my Johnson. You in it. On it. Can I watch? Round it. My Christmas wish is to see you fuck the Christmas pickle. Well, that was an adventure, Paul, wasn't it?

It was an adventure. And yet we've still got an episode of Cheap Show to recall. We've got noodles to eat, a mountain to climb. Not really. Because we did it. We did it in that adventure, didn't we? Now, can I just say, that is a fucking fiery noodle. That was massive.

Take no prisoners, no messing around, mouth pain. That is a complete punch in the gob It's like inedible It's not inedible It's just we tried to force it And it was I couldn't I wouldn't

Dangerous I wouldn't choose to eat that No Well you don't have to now We've beaten the dragon We've survived the mountain And we played the tat game And we've earned our right to have a pickle Christmas

In the house of pickles Brilliant What earned our right to have Pickle Christmas in the House of Pickles. Brilliant. What a lovely end to a lovely year. And by lovely, I mean challenging, depressing, stressful and at times depressing. You said depression twice. Because it was a miserable year. Yeah.

But we're at the end of it now and I think we must say Merry Christmas to all our... Merry Christmas to all you listeners. Merry Christmas. Merry Pickle Christmas Merry Christmas to all you listeners. Merry Christmas. Merry Pickle Christmas. Merry, merry, merry. And thank you once again to all our patrons. Patrons?

Patreon people? Patrons on Patreon. Yeah. Thank you to you guys. I can't thank you enough. If you want to support this podcast, go to patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. And also we have a Reddit page as well if you want to get involved with the conversations that take place around this episode.

It's a lot about noodles. A lot about noodles. And you know what? I'd like to get some feedback from someone who has tried the Samyang two times spicy because it beat me. I'm not ashamed to say. Well, we've both grown on this adventure. It hurt my mouth.

It hurt my mouth. Real bad. Real bad. It still hurts now. Really? I don't feel too bad right now, I'll be It hurt my mouth. Real bad. Real bad. It still hurts now. Really? I don't feel too bad right now, I'll be honest, but the orange juice helped.

Wow. Wow. Again, go to the Reddit page. That's reddit.com forward slash r forward slash Cheap Show. And we're on Twitter. I've pulled the headphones out again. We're on Twitter.

Anyway, you can go to us on Twitter at the Cheap Show pod. I am at Paul Gannon Show. Eli, how can they find you? I'm Eli Snowid. That's E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And if you want to see pictures and videos of the things that go along with this episode, you can go to thecheapshow.co.uk. And you can see all of the tat, and you can see a picture of the two-time spicy noodles.

And that's all about all you need. And that's it for 2017. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you. Merry Christmas to you. Now, we've talked enough. Let's get our pickle on. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, let's fuck that pickle. Oh, yeah. Merry Pickle Christmas and a happy new jar. Shut up.