CheapShow - Ep 64: A Crinkly Bottom Werewolf In London

Episode Date: January 17, 2018

It's finally happened... The curse of Noel Edmonds has struck and has dreadful ramification on the whole show! The latest episode of the world's best and probably ONLY trash based comedy podcast returns with all the usual bells and whistles. Elsewhere, Eli tries to bring back the classic "Price of Shite" format but Paul seems determined to ruin it by pointing out as many flaws in Eli's logic as possible. There is also a very special edition of "Silverman's Platter" where the CheapShow Chaps dive, track by horrible track, into 1980's light entertainer Russ Abbott's cringe worthy album "I Love A Party". It becomes a feat of stamina. They also uncover one of the most unsettling kid's music singles ever and a random B side about... making a cup of tea? All this and much much less in Ep 64!! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Right, testing, testing, one, two, three. And testing, and testing, one, two, three. Hello. I've got a big old puppy. You've got a big old puppy, do you? I've got a sweaty puppy. You've got a sweaty puppy, do you? I do.

What's a sweaty puppy? It's a shit. I've taken a shit. Right, we're not doing an intro anymore. Your intro's a shit. We're not going to do them. There's no point. Your intro's a shit. They're always to do them There's no point Your intro's a shit

They're always shit And always Always Underwhelming Right so this is your little Set up for me to get angry No it's not It's genuinely

Just I don't think they're very good Well we can't just go Straight in like this Ladies and gentlemen Yeah okay Ladies Ladies

You know what Shall I not say ladies and gentlemen Why don't you think of something different? Like say... Boys and girls? No, no gender. Just say hullabuts and halibuts. Hullabuts? What the fuck is a hullabut?

It's the opposite of a halibut. People, hear me people. This is Eli Silverman. You're going very loud. You see how loud that is? You don't need it that loud. For fuck's sake. Hello, everybody. My name is Eli Silverman. You're going very loud. You see how loud that is? You don't need it that loud. For fuck's sake. Hello, everybody.

My name is Eli Silverman. I'm the proud co-host of Cheap Show. And what we have for you today is another splendiferous episode of the show we call Cheap. And here is the other person who does it with me. It's Paul Gannon, everybody. Hello. Let's begin this fucking wretched show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles, right? It's a fact of cheap show. You're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the Darks, for a while. How's the big guy? The price of the site? This is for guaranteed.

Hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Geek Show. I'm not going on Nuzzle. Good, good running. Yeah, I thought so. One of our best. Brilliant running.

One of our best. I listened back to that just now editing, and it was very funny. You were very funny, were you? Yeah, I was all right. Were you really? Yeah, I thought so. Two stars, Steve Bennett. I couldn't tell.

I couldn't tell. I was thinking about you, that review, and how much it irked you. I've never read it. Yeah, but he basically went, this isn't tell. I was thinking about you, that review, and how much it irked you. I've never read it. Yeah, but he basically went, this isn't comedy. This should have been in the spoken word section. Yeah, it should have been. He was right on that. And he guessed the twist ending, even though there is no twist ending to that show.

It just nicely rounds back up on itself. Yeah. I think Steve Bennett is misguided. Okay. But we're allowed to have different opinions and I don't begrudge him no one knows what we're talking about now we're going to have to cut this out

no I did the Edinburgh show about my Ghostbusters life and it was alright it got a rainbow review which means it got a 5, a 4, a 3, a 2 and a 1 star review is that a rainbow review? that's what they call it it drove me to try and kill myself again

I ended up in a psychiatric ward I'm sorry I brought it up, actually, Paul. Anyway, now... But things got better. Talking of going insane to the extent we want to kill ourselves, what have we got on Cheap Show today? Well, hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. This is episode 27. If they're listening, doesn't matter. I'm in a cheeky mood. Wow.

We have lots of lovely stuff coming up today on the show. We have a price of shite I have prepared Meticulously Prepared In my hovel The finest Tat and shite

What's it called this week Is it still the palace Of genital cleanliness What were we recording Yes Is that now the new moniker For this shithole Yes

Ladies and gentlemen We are recording again In what is known Colloquially as the House of Pickles, but official name is... It's royal name. Eli has good personal hygiene. That's what I like to call this one. Ladies, Eli has good personal hygiene. That's what I call this one.

You sure it's not Eli, your balls stink? You sure it's not that? The House of Pickles, everybody. Giving you a double dose of the old... I've only ever seen one pickle in this house I've never seen two There was a bunch of cornichons I removed them They're cornichons

Just to give you a little picture of the House of Pickles Today ladies and gentlemen It's the House of Pickles It smells of wet wipes Slightly I've antisepticised it it's the house of pickle alright it smells of wet wipes slightly yeah it does no I've anti-septicised it yeah because this place

is disgusting I've septicised it anti-septicised it anyway coming off of the show we also have Silverman's Platter with all the records

oh we've got we found in charity shops talk about trying to kill yourself well it's we'll get to it we'll talk about it okay and then we end on what I what I like to dip into the shelves Talk about trying to kill yourself. Well, we'll get to it. We'll talk about it. Okay.

And then we end on what I like to dip into the shelves of the supermarkets to find a nice cheap magazine. So we're going back to a pick-me-up magazine, which costs only 69p. Now, that is cheap. That is cheap. And we've got a lovely story. I'm looking forward to reading out.

The front page simply titles the story, Killing for Aliens. Ah. So we're going to do... Things gone to sleep. Let's have a little look and see if it carries on. It's carrying on. It's carrying on anyway.

So if you notice it, just give me a nod and I'll rub it. The computer. I'll rub the little thing if it goes off to sleep. So what? If it goes, I'll give you a nod and you rub it, it goes i'll give you a nod and you rub it yeah i'll give you the nod and you rub it all right no you said it if you see the screen go i'm giving you the nod nod nod nod nod no rabbit it's been a long day for me it's been a long day all right so

right that sounds like a very exciting recording and it is half eight at night as we record this sounds like a very exciting episode of the professionally produced and world renowned i'm very i'm very i'm very professional professional podcast cheap show and so let's move on shall we pull to the first item i have to know i want to bring something i need to do a little bit of admin so as people may be aware on Twitter and the Reddit page and such

and such we are going to do in February our sex episode it's gonna get hot

ladies and gentlemen I'm firming up as we think you're firming I am becoming

turgid down there turgid I'm becoming turgid before it becomes wobbly

and then it goes what does turgid mean? I thought turgid meant it becomes wobbly and then it goes What does turgid mean? I thought turgid meant slow moving You've got a slow moving dick It needs some time It's like a big long novel It's a slow burner It has a very large frame of reference It has a very big index

You're firming up in anticipation of our sex episode a very large frame of reference. Yes. Right, okay. That's a very big index. Okay. You're firming up in anticipation of our sex episode. Yes. What number episode will that be, Paul? Well, I don't know. I want it to be 69, but I don't think it works out. You can make it 69. You're the creator of this.

I can. You can call it whatever you like. And then go back to 68 afterwards. Yeah. It doesn't really matter. No one fucking cares. It's just fucking numbers. It's just a bunch of fucking numbers.

So, yeah, I might just call it episode 69 because that's mature. It's sexy. And very clever. And I will be describing my penis and balls. Don't worry. Oh, wow. As a variety of small objects perched on larger ball-shaped objects.

That is the meta description. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Okay, so yeah. but the point is that we've been getting a little bit of slash fiction sent to us about romantic trysts between you and I. You and I. Well, it would have to be. Yeah.

I think Ash might be involved. Oh, I'd like Ash to get involved. So we've had two in. We like a vegan. A vegan on the scene. Can we do a meat gag? I was trying to imply a meat gag.

Yeah. Forcing him to... Force him to eat meat. We're never going to get in the Guardian. We did. How did that happen? I don't know.

Thank you. Yeah. So let's go back to that happen? I don't know. Thank you. Yeah. So, let's go back to that joke. I will force... No, move on. I'll force Ash to eat my meat. On the sex episode, ladies and gentlemen. The point is, is that I'm asking for people to send in to the email,

thecheapshowatgmail.com, their own slash fiction, and we will read out some of them. You are literally asking for that. Yeah. Okay. Now here's the rule. Some of it already exists. If it's too long,

it's just not going to get read. Keep it short, snappy, to the point. Wham bam. Thank you, Paul. Yes. Yeah? Yeah, that is the plan.

Okay. So I want people to, if they want to, generate a bit of slash fic between you and I and we'll read out some random ones, and we will err on the side of short.

I like sex with you. Poor. I know. Yeah, very poor. Very poor. Now. Now. That's out of the way.

Look forward to the sex episode coming very soon. Do you like my beard? Why? Do you like it? Well, Paul, I haven't really noticed it. It is. It's quite it's filled out quite nicely. It's not like yours. You know what the problem is with it? Go on. It's slightly ginger. Well, that's

just a type of hatred. It has a ginger underwhelm. I have ginger genes in my family. My mother is ginger. She's dyed it blonde since I've ever known her. Well, I'm not one of these people who is anti-ginger. You are. I'm just saying.

I reckon you are. Why do you reckon I am? Because you're a hateful man. I'm not hateful. I don't hate any group of people, irrationally. Except gingers. I don't hate gingers. But bus drivers.

Yes, but that's a romantic thing you need to figure out. People who ask for requests at discos. They are also a burr. Yes. Do you want me to tell you how I got this beard? You grew it out of your face. No, you think that. But I went urban exploring, right?

And I went to Crinkly Bottom. Because you know you can break in. Oh yes, you described it on the last House of Pickles episode. Mr Blobby, the mascot character of the Crinkly Bottom because you know you can break in and you can explore it. Oh yes, you described it on the last House of Pickles episode. Mr Blobby, the mascot character of the Crinkly Bottom show, Noel's house party, Noel Edmonds,

the devil. I can't believe Noel has come up. It's only five minutes in and it should be a Noel. You need a Noel box. This is a warning. Would you put a pound in

every time you mention it? I'd be broke. So, with all that said, you know, continuity for long time listeners they'll get the references to Noel Edmonds

anyway I broke in with two other guys to Crinkly Bottom the fake theme park why do I get a feeling this is some kind of joke you're telling no no no

this definitely happened when did this happen just after Christmas just before New Year's we broke in and when you get in there it's really really creepy

because all the kind of cartoon colourful houses have grown over and all the kind of forest is taking houses have grown over and all the kind of forest has taken it back and it's got that creepy thing and the paints and some of the animatronics

are still in there and they all kind of... It's a bit Rune Pony. A bit, yeah, and a bit like Five Nights at Freddy's-esque, you know? Yes.

Do you know that game where the monsters jump out? Yes. Yeah, anyway. So, what happened was we all split up for a little bit and I was doing a bit of camcorder filming

and then I hear just some guy in the distance just go cry out and there was like a rustle camcorder filming. And then I hear just some guy in the distance just cry out. And there was like a rustle, and then there was silence. Okay. So I went to investigate, and I saw my mate's arm just hanging out of a bush. And I panicked, and I thought, I need to go and get the police.

Something's happened. It's been an attack. And then I heard this, just behind me. And the bushes shook a little bit behind me. And I turned around, and Noel Edmonds' face was right there staring at me. And the bushes shook a little bit behind me. And I turned around and Noel Edmonds' face was right there staring at me, like nose to nose. And he went, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep. And I obviously screamed, get off me. And I pushed him away.

And he bit me, bit me on the arm. And I've got this beard. It came overnight. You're aware, Edmund. Yeah, I am. I'm aware, Edmund. That could be a problem, Paul. Mate, I'm worried.

Are you going to start wearing jumpers? I've started giving Super Nintendos to kids with sad dads. Have you started being negligent about safety on your productions? Mate, I pranked Eddie Large last week and gave him a gold statue of a fist. Have you got some kind of idea for a format for a daytime TV come quiz comedy show? Yeah. Yeah, I've got loads of ideas. Oh, no.

And I can see your aura right now. Oh, my God. I'm really worried. You're turning Edmonds. Yeah. I don't know how to cure this. I see a bad Edmonds rising. An American werewolf in Crinkly Bottom.

Oh, my God. It's disturbing, Paul. A Crinkly Bottom werewolf my God. It's disturbing, Paul. A Crinkly Bottom werewolf in London. Whatever. Anyway. You need medical treatment to remove the virus. I've started hiring comedic actors

to make me look good with bad gags. Well. With huge racial stereotypes. Oh God. Yeah. It's crazy. But you got bit.

But was Mr Blobby around as his sort of henchman? I didn't see Blobby. Go, rub, rub, rub, rub. I didn't see him. Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub. What happened to your mate who was in the bush? Was that Mr Blobby?

Was that a Blobby attack? All I know is I saw him a week later and he said nothing happened. Was he bitten as well? Do you think he was trying to cover it up? I don't know. Did he start to sprout some kind of ginger shit out of his face? I don't know. Mate.

Actually, I'm looking at your beard now. It's very tidy. And it's getting a bit of a purple dyed underglow. Mm. Just like Noel. Yeah, just like Noel. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I've got a few. Oh, this is a tragedy. I've got a few boxes for you to open. Oh, no. Do you want box number one, number two, number three? Number three, because it's my mum's name. a few boxes for you to open. Oh no. Do you want box number one, number two, number three?

Number three because it's my mum's name. Inside box number three. It's your mum's head. Oh no. It's in the box. It's in the box. Anyway, that's my story

about how I got my beard. Okay. Now for Cheap Show. Now for cheap show. Now for cheap show. Now, what... Are we doing the first section now, Paul? Let's do the first section. Right.

Now. And what is the first section? Remind me. I'm going to have to break it. Stop it. Oh. I do believe, Eli Silverman, it's now time for your classic, The Price of Shite. Please take it away.

It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the The Price of Shite. Please take it away. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. And that's right. Thank you. Now, on The Price of Shite today. Haven't done that in a while. We haven't done that in a while, and I think that was possibly the definitive rendition of the

jingle. It might be the definitive. It might be the most important jingle rendition of the price of chai jingle that has ever i don't know why you can sample that sample that beatbox it put a donk on it put my donk on it yeah right put your real small donk on it now paul yes in recent episodes of the price of stripe we've been playing your version which is a good version 2.0 yes i know you have issues with it but that's because you're lazy i have issues with you cheating no and and and manufacturing something and they can the man who the listeners out of his way to cheat by finding something in the street outside of an eye hospital and thinking oh i'll get him with it no you can't drop it, can you?

You can't drop... I'm real... You have no idea how fucked up I was about that. That was a blatant disregard for the rules I set in place that you initially agreed with and enjoyed and you just...

Because you were shit and bone idle and saved to the last minute to get this done. I'm sorry, it's getting real. I found that bloody, crusty bandage pack on the floor and it was good.

You know what? It's strike two because you also did this with the gum that you found in the train station. You found the gum. I'm developing a theme

of where I find stuff on the floor. Do such a horrible feed it to you. Horrible prick. Touch dirty stuff. That's what I live for. Making you touch

dirty stuff. So, Paul, that was very good. The cliffhanger version of the game is not something I want us to abandon. We're going to just maybe play around with the Price of Right format.

Price of Shite format. Price of Right, Price of Shite, Price of Right format. Now, I have a stink. You have a stink. I have a certain frisson. Yes. A certain smelly well. You smell like a mushroom's wank stain.

Ooh. Right. Okay. Now. Right, yeah. Paul. Mm-hmm. So that was 2.0.

Yes. I am introducing today the Price of Shite game 3.0. Ooh. This is a whole new thing. And there is a- I am very excited. It's played like the original. Yeah.

Where I have some items. Okay. and you just have to guess the price. Good. And you will get... Yes. Two points if you're on the nose. Okay. One point if you're within 25p either way. 25p.

But there is a special extra thing. Two of these items... Yeah. I found it in a bin. I was looking for fags. No. I found a thing. I was looking for fags. No. Shut up. A balloon with yoghurt in.

Oh, that'd be great. A balloon with yoghurt in would be fucking brilliant. No, it wouldn't. It would not be. In any way, shape or form. No, if we're going to do some merch, we should do balloons with yoghurt in. Com-doms with a spunk is what they'll look like. A cheap show spunky yoghurt balloon.

Okay. No. So two of these items have the same price. They're twins. Oh. And I want you to guess all four items. But also, you have another little guess. A little bonus game where you guess which two items are identical in price. Well, after four items. But also, you have another little guess. A little bonus game where you guess which two items are identical in price.

Well, after four guesses, wouldn't I just know anyway? Because you've told me them along the way. I haven't thought this out fully. You pulled a cannon. It was more of an idea in my mind. But I'm sure between us and our game-making prowess, we can actually pass this down and work out how to fucking run this new version now let's just tumble into this and see how we bruise up i basically that's what we do

is i introduce all four items then you guess the prices okay and incorporate the guess of which is the twin items yes into that okay okay so ultimately, I'm making three guesses. Yes. Now, would you pass me that post-it pad? Notepad. Yes. And a pen from my pen tree. Is that what they're called? It's a station tidy.

Office tidy. An office tidy. Very good. Good terminology. It does what it says on the tin. Okay. I don't think they come in tins. I've come in tins.

You're not going to do that. Oh my. Oh me. Oh my. Alright. Okay. Sorry ladies and gentlemen. I succumbed to rudeness.

Now. Are you ready for the first price of shite? I am ready for the first price of shite. Bring it ready for the first price of shite. Bring it on. Here it is. Oh.

Hmm. It's a baby soother. It's a... Hmm. Hmm. Are you becoming a murderer? No. This is a new bought baby soother or nanny as we used to call them.

What did you used to call them in your family, Paul? A dummy. You're boring. No, it's just most people call them dummies. Or in America, is it pacifiers? Yes, it's a pacifier. Which sounds like a very bad

late 90s Arnold Schwarzenegger film. I am the pacifier. No, that's... Oh, Stallone. I am the pacifier. Drop your weapons. Okay, thank you. So it is...

A superlative impression. It is a dummy. Yes. And it is new. Bought new. A superlative impression. It is a dummy, and it is new, bought new, fresh in pack. Excellent. It says, little wonders, baby soothers, as if there's more than one. But as you can see, there is only one in here. That's bad. Bad packaging. Right.

And there's a little child on the packet with a very small, almost opaque face. Oh, good. It looks like a little ghost girl. There it is. It's red. It's got a little handle. Let's have a little look. Now, when did you stop using a dummy? You strike me as a child that used a dummy until they were about 17. No, I probably had it.

I don't remember ever sucking on it. You used to suck your thumb, didn't you? Yes. Like, it was a problem, wasn't it? It became a problem for you. No, I kind of moved on to biting my fingernails. That's been a bad habit. Yes, and that's when that sort of took hold.

I used to have a little blanket. Did you? Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. So, this is a new... Wait, I haven't finished looking at it yet. This is not secondhand. This is a new item. So, this is a new... Wait, I haven't finished looking at it yet. This is not second-hand. This is a new item.

Yes, well, that's good. And it was bought from a shop that has a very wide selection of crisps. Crisps and dummies. It has all sorts of... This was on the basic needs rack. You know those racks they have. When you bought that, did they look at you funny? Yeah.

Like, they imagined you easily in a great big nappy. With that in your mouth. Well, so I done poop poops, mummy. And then a woman in her 70s comes in and changes your dirty nappy. And you're erect the whole time. I'm not into that, Paul. I'm not an adult baby. And if you are,

that's fine. But what I'm saying is whether or not you do that. Should we alienate another community? You've got something against those people. You're saying that I'm saying is, whether or not you do that... Should we alienate another community? No, I'm completely... You've got something against those people, do you? You're saying that. I'm just pointing out that it's a thing that this particular... You hate difference.

You hate sexual difference. I don't. That's so wrong. You know I don't. Well, fucking wank off and put this in your mouth. No, that's not the point. All right. The point I was trying to make was,

the man selling you the dummy thought you had a predilection... He didn't think anything. He'd seen it all. He'd seen it all. Well, anyway, I'm not impressed. the point I was trying to make was the man selling you the dummy thought you had a predilection he'd seen it all he'd seen it all well anyway I'm not impressed but I'll put it down that's the first item item number one

it's a red narnie go faster red narnie that sounds like a great reggae track and what else do we have in here for the price of shag okay second item

now this is something that you might think is appropriate for me should I describe it this time describe it What else do we have in here for the price of shit? Second item. Now, this is something that you might think is appropriate for me. Can I describe it this time? Describe it. Well, he's handed me a sign that you'd hang on a door, perhaps, or a wall. It dangles on a black string, and it's a bright yellow sign of the kind of construction site variety. Yes, it's a warning sign. It's a caution sign, you fucking illiterate bastard. Ooh.

variety. Yes, it's a warning sign. It's a caution sign, you fucking illiterate bastard. Ooh. It says, caution, boys bedroom, toxic waste, may pong. Enter at your own risk. Why? Because he kills animals and he's left them in the bin in his room. No, it's because... Because he picks his nose.

I thought... He picks, he's got a bogey collection that he pisses on. You are basically describing this room. He wipes his shit on the floor. He picks his arse. So, do you think I need this on that?

Sorry, just drop that. Do you think I need this Maypong? It says. You know what? It shouldn't go on your door. It should hang around your fucking neck. Boys' Bedroom. See? That should be your rat name.

Call yourself Boys' Bedroom. Your MC Boys' Bedroom. That's your rat name. And you specialise. Now, this was bought from a charity shop, but it's good as new, isn't it, Paul? It's good as new. That means it was probably bought as a joke,

as an office gift or something. This is exactly the kind of crap that they shouldn't manufacture. Who can actually look at themselves in the mirror after making this shit that is just filling the world with shit no one wants? Yeah, no one wants it. What a waste of resources.

Terrible. That's part of the reason why I purchased it, because I thought, let's put some use. Let's put some of this utterly useless crap to use. Can I just say as well? It could go on my... It could hang around your walls. And you'd still be MC Boy's bedroom.

So that is the second item in the price of shots. It's a novelty... What are you laughing about? It's just amusing. It's a waste of fucking time. It really is. Yeah, it's just a terrible thing. You know, and imagine you got that as a boy. Imagine this, Mum Yeah, it's just a terrible thing. And imagine you got that

as a boy. Imagine this, Mum. I'm trying to impress the girls and you're just saying I pong. How about this? You're an entrepreneur. Hello, my name's Eli Swizzle. I'm an entrepreneur. I have a great idea. You shut up. No, it's my job. You shut up!

We're not doing question time. Listen, you're the... What? Well, you better be a good idea. I'm an entrepreneur. I don't take fucking shit from anyone. Right, it's... Okay, so what I'm saying right now is...

Hi, I've got an idea I want to present to you. Get it out! I've got an idea I want to present to you. Yes. For what I think is going to be a successful purchase. I'm primed and ready to invest in the right idea. It's this. It's a yellow sign that says,

Caution, boys' bedroom, toxic waste may pong, and you're hanging outside boys' bedrooms because they're dirty. And you buy them and you hang them on a door. Is there one for girls? Caution, bleeding fannies. Girls' bedroom. Caution, all sorts of soft, fluffy stuff and vagina. Okay, well.

Okay. Frankly, I'm out Okay well Frankly I'm out Frankly I'm out I regret bringing this to you You're out yeah? Well I think that character could come back at some point because I thought he was very well portrayed Right okay so that's the next one That's item number two Or item number three

It gets really weird now I'm sorry MC Boy hand this to you, Paul. MC Boy's bedroom, was it weird enough? You being a shit-dunking ballatine. I'm out. Here is the classiest item so far, Paul. I'm handing it to you

right now. Here is the shite. Here we go. It is Dragon Myths keychain collection. And what is it? It's a key chain with a... What's on it? Is it an ear?

Yes. That's an ear. Like a seven ear. Yes. That's a key chain. Yeah. Why? There's no explanation.

Why? What? Dragon Myths. It's a Halloween. It's sort of a gothic Halloween novelty key chain. I mean... But look at the ear. How badly sculpted it is. It's a Halloween, sort of gothic Halloween novelty keychain. But look at the ear, how badly sculpted it is. It's very badly sculpted. It looks like it's got some kind of growth or some kind of mangle on it.

It's meant to be because it's been pulled off or severed roughly. But it's not red, it's all ear coloured. So it doesn't look like it's been torn. No, it's not been painted very well. They've used a simple pink skin flavour-y kind of colour to the plastic and then just badly painted bits of blood on it. It's quite a disgusting looking item, isn't it? It is absolutely terrible to behold.

Nasty, isn't it? I don't like it. It really is the kind of... That is proper shit, isn't it? That is quite the shit thing. That is a really awful thing. Right, well, let's move on to the fourth item now. Oh, no, I know what it is.

It's the wrong way round. You've got the ear. No, I know. I pointed that out to you just then. I didn't understand. I thought that was their rendition of the ear. Hello. Duh.

Get with it, man. I'm opening it. I'm opening it. Oh, he's opening it, but it won't be mint in box anymore. It's not mint on card anymore. What are we going to do? Well, you might lose out on a million. Actually, I love that.

You go on eBay tomorrow night and you click on it and you go, if that is worth a million, I will eat it. No, I'd sell it. Yeah, of course. But then I'd eat something of a similar size made of plastic. Right. Dragon myths. His fat, clumsy hands tearing into the paper.

Yeah. Like a beast. Fat and clumsy? Yeah. Who can use chopsticks? Better than Paul. Oh, guess so what? Does that make me clumsy though, Paul?

Does it? I would have won that had I not just put the last one in my mouth. There, it's better. It feels horrible. It feels really hard. It's a really nasty thing. It's really hard. Don't you think it's hard?

Shut up. What? Yeah, it's really horrible. In your hand, it's hard, isn't it? It is quite brittle. Brittler than I would have expected That's your third item Are you ready for the last item

I am ready for the fourth item Look at this array of shite What's your favourite item so far Probably the boys bedroom Because I definitely want to see you What do you think is the most expensive item so far MC boys bedroom I'm still going to go with the

Maybe the bit, maybe the dummy I don't know. Maybe the bit. Maybe the dummy. Maybe the dummy. Okay. Well, you don't have to guess now. Good, because I'm not going to. Okay, Paul. So here is the last item.

Yeah. I'm handing it to you now. You are becoming a murderer. Why have you handed me the things a serial killer would have? A dummy. A caution sign. A severed ear. And now he hands me a purple

see-through plastic lady's shoe. That's what it is. Like a kind of glass slipper kind of thing with a massive heel. What do you think the origin of that object could have been? You took it from a dead sex worker's body. No, because look, it's not an actual shoe. It's a toy shoe, isn't it? I know it's a toy shoe, but

I don't know, maybe you meant to put something in it? One use that occurred to me is if you had a thing, like a fetish for shoes or know, maybe you meant to put something in it? One thing, one use that occurred to me is if you had a thing, like a fetish for shoes or whatever, you like to fuck shoes. Yeah. Or, you know,

rub shoes on you. Because why not? You could come in that and it's all plastic, so it'd be nice, clean, wipe clean. It's a wipe clean spunk shoe.

Yeah, it could be a spunk catcher for shoe fetishists. Because the whole of the front, where the toes are, it'll dribble dribble out yeah but that's what that's what gets them off no i'm gonna drip spunk in my plastic shoe and then i dribble this might be our most we say that every time yeah so let's just go with it. Wank shoe, wank in a shoe, wanky. Spunk on my plastic toy shoe. Oh, it's a heel. I'm sorry.

You can shove it right in. I'm sorry, listener. There it is, Paul. That is your last item. Do you know what it looks like to me, actually? And it has a little bow, a plastic bow at the front. But what was it? Where did it come from?

Do you know what I think it came from? I think there's another one of these, and it's meant to go with a big dolly that stands in it. It's a doll's shoe. And because it's got plastic in it, so it can stand up better. It's a strange item. It's not a functional shoe. And because it's got plastic in it, so it can stand up better. It's a strange item. It's not a functional shoe.

It's just a bit of plastic. I couldn't get my foot in that. I did pay money. I will tell you right now, that is not free. I didn't find it on the street. Mate, so one day you went into this shop and you bought a dummy from a guy who thought you were a big baby. And the next day you go into the same shop and go up with this shoe and he goes, Oh, he fucks shoes and all.

It's all for sale. And ears. And he's got an ear fetish and all. It's all for sale. And ears. He's got an ear fetish. Now. And a cautionary sign. Call the police. You're just going to go into that place next week and there'll be police inside all undercover.

And you'll be like, I've come to buy this dirty knickers. And then you'll be grabbed and just jump on you. I would not buy dirty knickers. It's the harangue. Hariga. Haranga. Hariga. Haranga. Haranga.

The harangue haranga. That's what they'll call you. Will they? Yeah. What if I was a murderer? No, just if you had... You had... I harangued people.

Yeah. Okay. Now, Paul, you've just been playing for time. I got overexcited. You did. Go on. Calm down. There is a game here.

Yes. And you are in the hot seat for the price of shiggity shiggity shite. Right. Okay. So item number one. Well, item number one is, just to recap, is the new in bag baby soother. Singular. Even though it says baby soothers.

I feel right now I'm going to do really badly on this. Can I ask something? Yes. Did you spend more than two2 on any of this? Altogether? No, on any single item. Yeah. Okay, you want a cap, yeah?

I want a little cap. You want a cap. Let's say no item was more than £2. All right, cool. In that case, it makes me think. Yes. Now, and remember, two of these items... Are the same price.

...cost exactly the same price. Now, let's hear some of your working out. Do you know the answers? I do know the answers, and none of them were free and found on the street. Yeah? Okay. Because if that happens... Yeah, I know, you'll lose it.

...this show's going to end really early. Oh, yeah? Because I'm going to give you... I'm going to fucking punch you in the mouth. You'll actually get physical, yeah? I will tear my fingers off my hand into a fist, and I will... And smack me in the head. Well, it will be over. Directly in your mouth. I'll tell you fingers of my hand into a fist and I will plant a smart house. And smack me in the head. Well, it will be.

It will be over. Directly in your mouth. I'll tell you what, if you attack me physically... Can you imagine? I'll still edit it and put the episode out. It will be over.

Yeah. Over between us. So, okay, right. So... Well, there you go, listener. You found the limit. I need a price. Okay.

The first item. I kind of feel like I'm playing two games at once here. Which is good because it gives it some levels. Yeah,. I kind of feel like I'm playing two games at once here. Which is good because it gives it some levels. Yeah, but I kind of feel like I should just pick the most expensive. You've got 25p margin. I feel like I should just pick the expensive. The two I think are second expensive and then the least expensive.

Because that's what I'm doing. And then the price doesn't really matter. The price. This game is awful. It's called The Price of Shite. So I need prices from you. Not myself. You can do that first.

You can give me that. Because I honestly think the two that are the same price are these two. Don't know why, but that's what I'm thinking. Which two? The ear and the shoe. Okay. And what price are they? I don't know.

And then that's even the most expensive, and the sign is the least. So a dummy, shoe ear, caution. Okay. I'd like prices from you. I'd like prices from you. Dummy. Dummy. I know, you're just saying the words now.

Shoe ear. Caution, shoe ear, dummy. At the bottom, caution. Dummy. Always have a lot of caution at the bottom. Yes, you've given me some guesses now. And now we're going to get to the nub of this, Paul.

Your nibbity nub, the price of Shiggity Shite. The price, I think, for the dummy was £1.50. £1.50 for the dummy. Then I think the shoe

and the ear were maybe... They're the same price? They're the same price. You're saying they're the same price. What was the twin price on this very special, new, improved version of The Price of Shite, which doesn't involve any behind-the-scenes finagling and making shit up and fooling our listenership,

which you try and do with your stupid... Go on. Say it. Why not? It's a safe space. You tell me what you're feeling. Your stupid game. Right.

Okay. What is the price? I feel like I don't know now. I want to kind of stop my mind. You tell me what you're feeling. Your stupid game. Right. Okay. What is the prize? I feel like I don't know now. I want to kind of stop my mind. I need guesses from you. I want it to be... Ear. Caution, Sue.

You dummy. For that reason. It's not a game where you try and make a story. Well, I've done it. Well, I've done it. Well, what's the story then? Hello. I'm walking down the street.

You're Sue. Ear. Shoe. Shoe. No.. Your suit. Ear. Shoe. No, ear. Caution. Shoe, you dummy. That's very good, Paul. Thank you. Very creative. Thank you. Now, I'm going to need a price for the shoe. You're saying the dummy £1.50.

Are you sticking with that? Yeah. This is not going to be right at all. The sign and the shoe, I reckon they're both like a quid.id each yeah and then the ears like 75p and the year 75p yeah so let's go through this this is horribly wrong paul yeah go on i said dummy and then the joint sign you said the dummy was the most expensive yeah utterly wrong it was the cheapest and it was 59p. You get no points.

That's a shame. Completely not interested in this game. No, I'm not feeling it. Paul, you really are. Go on. Being a fucking dick today. Go on. I didn't want to say it, but stop being a dick.

It's my game. My little moment. All right. All right. Go on. Now, if you'd stuck with your first twin of the ear and the plastic wank shoe. I would have been right. You would have been right. They were both a quid.

They were both a quid. Okay. But you said. So do I get any points for that? No. Because the shoe was a quid. I did say a quid. Did you say a quid?

Yeah. I said a quid for both of them. So that's your only one. So you get two points for that. Two points. Alright, so that's not a complete slap in the face. You don't get any bonus points because you said that the boys bedroom and this was, you said this was a quid as well, the boys bedroom.

Yeah, and it wasn't. It was probably the most expensive. It was the most expensive. Which was £1.50. £1.50. Too late now. Too late now. Not if I put you under my spell. You can't put me under my spell, under your spell. Too late now. Too late now. Not if I put you under my spell. You can't put me under your spell. Rewind. And you're back in the room.

So I honestly think, Eli, it's... You're wrong. It's the sign. And you said the ear... Is £1.50. No, I haven't.

I'm saying now. Fuck off. This is a couple of minutes ago. You can't fucking do that. This is a couple of minutes ago. You can't fucking do that. This is a couple of minutes ago. No one's laughing. Especially me. I was only laughing because you're so shit.

That's why I'm laughing. Now, you were wrong. You're very mean. And the ear was a quid. These two were a quid. And they were both from the same shop. Like I said. That was 59p.

Most expensive item. The boys' bedroom at £1.50. So I get four points for that and a bonus because I got both of them right. You get two points overall out of a possible... Yeah. Eight. No. Yeah.

If you'd got everyone on the nose, you would have got two points for each item. So that's eight. And no, ten. See? So you don't even know your own rules. Out of a possible ten points, you've scored two. You're shit at this. Yeah, I am.

Well, that's because I said sign at the most expensive at £1.50, which was right. No, you didn't say that. The shoe and the ear were a quid each. And I was off with that because I said 75p. Mate, so I saw what you said. It was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 bonus. Paul. And then this one I get a point for.

So that's eight. Paul, you don't fuck with the rules. We've all heard what you said. You said you weren't feeling it and now you're trying to cheat who edits this podcast i don't give a shit who edits this pod i'll fucking snip snip all of a sudden paul gets the whole point right whatever if you want to cheat if that's how you want to live your fucking life yeah that's no that's the section's fucking over then yeah well done brilliant you. Well done. Brilliant, you've ruined it. Thanks. You've ruined something that was joyful,

that I fucking enjoyed selecting these items. Of course you did. Thinking these are nasty. And by the way... I've got to take pictures of them, so don't do anything with them. By the way, listeners, if you support us on Patreon,

you might get this fucking terrible ear in the post. Or the wank shoe. The boxes are going out after this next week recording. I'm going to put the ear back just in case anyone is interested. No one wants that piece of box and I'm not going to package it so don't bother. Whoa, Paul, you're so moody today, aren't you?

Right, what's your fucking section? Oh, he's got a fucking magazine. Oh, he's bought a magazine and it's got some shit in it and he's going to read it out and go I hate people they're such cunts in a scouse accent

it's Silverman's Platter next right start again and try and give me some give me some fucking oomph yeah give it some fucking pizzazza yeah

some fucking oomphishoo here we go oh right oh right that'll do that's the Silverman's Platters

Silverman's Platters everybody and what are we going to start with do you think I think we have to start with with Russ Abbott we have to yes with do you think i think we have to start with russ

abbott we have to yes it's the topic on everyone's lips so obviously russ abbott it has to be russ abbott we did mention the it was a me casser wasn't it was my casser to you it was a great casser and this is one of my favorites your lp i know i will take it you will take it this time now and we said we promised our listenership yes that we would have a little peruse. We would delve into it. Because the only tune that we actually knew was the hit and the first song on side A, the one that everyone bought the album for.

Exactly. If you can believe that. I can't. And the hit single which went to number one. Called Atmosphere. No, in time. Atmosphere. Atmosphere. No, in time. Atmosphere. Right, so

what we should do is really break it down. So, first of all, here's Atmosphere. I want an atmosphere I love a party with a happy atmosphere So let me take you there And you and I'll be dancing in the cool night air Well, we're at the dancing party And you're out there having fun

And your girl is there beside you And you feel like number one So get your body moving Cause tonight has just begun Oh, let it go Oh, let it show Oh, oh, show I want an atmosphere I love a party with a happy atmosphere

So you've experienced what we grew up with. For example, a lot of people listen to this podcast. That song was on the radio a lot. In the UK in the 80s. People don't seem to realise how invasive pop music used to be. You used to have to hear it. You heard it. These days, everyone can be their own curator, can't they?

Yes. They can listen to whatever. Everyone's got their earbuds in and they can listen to what they like. They can watch what they like. Oh, daddy. Eli Silverman. Oh, he remembers the old times. I remember old times.

I sit here on my Porsche to see these young'uns today I want to fuck them what an interesting accent to say that in okay so we're going to get complaints

now oh daddy laugh so that was the song that was a big hit in the 80s in the UK

you know the point I'm trying to make no let me finish my statement no you didn't let me finish my statement. No, you didn't let me because you just said it. You're rushing ahead. Listen, Mr. Primark. Buy some fucking decent threads.

You've got a job now. Mate, your fucking T-shirts have hot rocks in them and your trousers smell like spunk. So don't fuck. At least I'm clean. Wow, really. These gloves are off today, aren't they? Right, so shut up. Okay, I'm going. Wow, really, their gloves are off today, aren't they? So.

Right, so, shut up. Okay. I'm going to make my point after you've finished yours. All I want to say is that was the hit in the UK. So people outside of the country who listen to this podcast in America and stuff, right, that was a huge hit in the UK. It was an earworm because it's an awful track. But it is catchy. But it's catchy, right?

it's an awful track but it is catchy but it's catchy right and so let's now talk about russ abbott unless you want to make a point that doesn't race too far ahead in the narrative of this piece all i'm gonna say what i'm gonna say is today everyone curates their own stuff yeah but it was actually during the 80s hard to escape some of these earworm songs they'd be playing everywhere you went in yeah in retail outlets yeah and in people's cars and so on and so forth. When you went to holiday camps for your family on the holidays. You only had three fucking channels on the telly. Top of the pops comes on. This cunt.

This fucking cunt comes on. Singing Atmosphere. One of the naffest songs of all time. And having listened back to it, Paul, today, it's one of those songs that is actually considerably worse than you actually remember it is

you've made that point haven't you you know what it is it's a weird phenomenon in your head the song is better produced yes you know what I mean

I've got a better production studio in my fucking brain space than what you listen to on air because it sounds like someone got their Casio keyboard out found mode number 7

yes you know Calypso beat 3 Calypso beat and that's it and then it's like and he gets vibrochord on his fucking cat

piano and he starts playing this shit it is a song that seems to be been produced on one of those calculator watches yeah basically it's weird

if you and your mates were drunk and you were singing that in a pub you'd have a light right laugh singing it. And then if someone goes, I'll put it on. Mood dead. Yes.

Mood dead in pub. Yes. Exactly. People start to cry in pub. Oh. We. So. We remember that song.

It was the hit. And we picked this up for you. And there are a lot of other songs on the record. Now, let's go a little bit back in time. Russ Abbott. Some people might not know who he is. He is well known in the UK for being a comedian on the TV, a character comedian doing sketch comedy, wacky comedy shows,

I think most of them on ITV. He had a Scottish, a broadly Scottish character. Well, actually... He said, Och, I do. Okay, Google. Oh, fucking hell. Here we go. Russ Abbott. According to Wikipedia, Russ Abbott is an English musician Comedian and actor

Musician Musician first Yeah that was my issue Yeah that's He was born in Chester So not too far away from me Because I was born in the Wirral Is Chester in that part of the

Yeah it's like a 90 minute drive I think if that You know Yes Born in Chester You've got a lot in common mate A complete lack of talent Sorry

Wow Bad personal hygiene I'm going to let that go I'm going to let that go I'm going to let that go I have to let that go Let it go He first came to public notice

During the 70s as a singer And a drummer With the British comedy show band The Black Abbots Now I did not know He was a drummer No Because his timing

in this song, very poor. Very poor. He didn't play drums on this record, so he kind of did that instead. With Leonard Lenny Reynolds later forging a solo career as a TV comedian and a weekly show on the telly. Fun house. Mad house.

Mad house. You've got to get your houses right, or Pat Sharp will call me up And say How dare you say It was You know Russ Abbott's Funhouse It wasn't Russ Abbott's Funhouse

And taken you to court I'm sorry Pat And I'm also sorry When my sister attacked you And And Touched your hair In the early 90s

Okay I'm sorry about that Can I just apologise For my sister Who touched your hair Was he angry? He wasn't pleased She screamed L apologise for my sister who touched your hair was he angry he wasn't pleased she screamed lunged at him

and touched his hair it was a mullet at the time it was a particular spiked mullet read out some fucking shit from the internet

Paul just talked about his career he had a recording contract in 1977 he later appeared as a comedian winning the funniest man on Television Award five times.

Would you believe it? Wow. Different times. Different times. Abbott appeared on the TV show The Chameleons under the name Russ Roberts. Ah. Because Abbott, funnier name.

It is funnier. It's got more frictives. Yeah, Roberts isn't a funny name, really. Abbott. Abbott. Ho, ho. It's got more frictives. Yeah, Robert isn't a funny name, really. Abbott? Abbott? Ho, ho, ho, ho. Roberts? Ho.

Good, good. Thank you. From the 80s onwards, he released some albums as a solo artist. Obviously, Atmosphere did well in the UK, peaking at number seven. He had other albums. In 84. Now, that's a lot of units sold it is a lot

in the 80s if you get to number 7 now you're fucking no one you're a fart in the wind yeah he had Russ Abbott's Madhouse and the Russ Abbott Show

I think we mentioned it in a previous episode he basically inherited the Madhouse format from Freddie Star because it wasn't going very well for him he brought in acts like

Les Dennis and Dustin G and Bella Enberg was Dustin G on it before he passed away yeah before he played because I think they were about to break out as a separate double actor then.

Dustin G was actually a very talented impersonator. I mean, the material was really hack that they both did, but he was a very, very good mimic. He was a good mimic. Yeah, very good mimic. I couldn't add anything. Do you think that Dustin G would have gone on to have more success had he lived?

Probably. I reckon he might have branched out as an actor. Whereas Les Dennis... I'm just going to do quiz shows. Quiz shows. And the survey says... Let's not say Les Dennis. Don't leave me Amanda.

Don't leave me Amanda. I don't wish Les Dennis to die. You don't like Les Dennis? You know what? Les Dennis has done... Oh, yeah. The curse. He's unleashing the curse.

So let's not. Let's just move away. How is it Noel Edmonds avoids it? He's got, as I said, he's got a magical force field that he can control because of his pact with Beelzebub himself,

who rises from the earth at Crinkly Bottom. Yeah. And then... There's a dark sacrifice made. And that's why you are the were-Edmonds. Holy shit. Am I the second coming? Of Edly Bottom. Yeah. And then... It was a dark sacrifice made. And that's why you are the were-Edmunds. Holy shit, am I the second coming? Of Edmunds?

Yeah. He could be. He could be grooming you. I need to figure out how to get this out. Okay. Because I can't have Noel Edmonds in me. So. Right, so.

He went on to do the sketch show. He was famous for a couple of characters. His James Bond satire. Do you remember that? Bald and Bond. And Miss Funny Fanny. That was the gag. Right.

He was on Stars in Their Eyes. Great. Yeah. Now, you mentioned Adventures of Basil the Bond. Yeah. Now, something we've both noticed.

That we both noticed on this. On this LP. Yes. And this would be of interest to our friend Stuart Ashen. Yes. Because I don't think he's ever... And any video game enthusiast who listens to this podcast. I don to our friend Stuart Ashen. Yes.

And any video game enthusiast who listens to this podcast. I don't think he's mentioned this game to me, but it obviously is one of those fucking shit games that he's into, isn't it? I mean, it must be. Explain it now. You always skip the information and go to the opinion. So I picked up this drink the other day and it was shit

and I hate you anyway it's this bottle of booze it's good but just put your facts in the right order okay Paul any more little notes

to give me as we're fucking recording wash your balls do you want to touch me wash my balls my balls are fucking so clean yeah

that people eat their dinner off them not a very big dinner no a small dinner they eat eat their dinner off them. Not a big dinner. No, a small dinner. They eat a microscopic dinner off my balls. A slammer. A slider.

Slider. Yeah. Get it right. Yeah. Get it right. You got it. Get the word right. Whatever.

I know what you're talking about because you're simple. Okay. So anyway, explain in the back. On the back of the LP, Ross Abbott, I Love a Party, which is the Silverman's Platter that we are splattering. Yes. Right now.

Right now. Calm down. Carry on. Oh, I'm having a little thing. Shut up. Come on. Oh, I've let off. Right.

We have to make a rule. We're not allowed to record any more cheap shows at night. Because when we do, they're fucking weird. Yeah. When's the best time to do it? Like, never, usually.

There's never a good time. Okay. All right. So, on the back of this LP, there is an advert for a computer game. Yes, I didn't know it was one. The Adventures of Basildon Bond. Now, that is his character, isn't it? Yeah, and Miss Funny Fanny.

And what does he do? It's a very weak, weak, gravy kind of satire. I think his gag was, you know, like Bond wore a wetsuit with a tuxedo underneath. Yes. He wore a tuxedo with a wetsuit underneath. Right. Ha ha ha ha. I see.

So it was all just sort of jokes about Bond. Very punny. Now it says, so there's a little advert. The Adventures of Basil and Bond. See Russ Abbott's famous detective plus lots more of his zany characters. This is an unironic use of the word zany. I know, troubling. Zany characters in this exciting new computer arcade adventure game.

Huh. So they just say arcade. Does it say what systems? Yes, it does. Available now on CBM64 cassette and disc. Okay. Coming soon on Spectrum, Amstrad, Atari, and Enterprise from all good computer game stockists.

It might also be that the game was never released. I don't think it came out on Atari. I mean, do we do a quick check for it, and then we'll just leave it like, we'll see if it exists, and then we'll get someone else to do the check, and we'll throw it to the audience to enjoy okay and if anyone's listening who might be aware or even have it i'd like to know now let's just quickly discuss the other tracks let's go through track by track okay so first fucking nightmare experience first you have

atmosphere there it's a number of upbeat party wet, wet, weak, gravy disco. There are a few tunes which seem to be written by the same songwriting team. Yeah. Finden, Rodway, Tucker. And they also have another tune, All Night Holiday, which starts the B-side. Which I think we'll talk about when we get to it and we'll play a little bit of that one. Atmosphere, like I said, just to recap, a lot worse than you imagined it. Always back. It's the Spaceballs of music. Spaceballs is a good movie than you imagined it always but it's it's the

space balls of music space balls a good movie in your head you watch your back and you think ah really yeah i always thought run around run around sue uh yeah let's go to the disco mate that again this is another one this is the original find. It's got the same songwriter, Finden, there. Didn't he make

Crispy Pancakes? No, that's Findus. Oh, talking of that. Oh, yeah, go on.

Have you seen, they've got a new bird's eye captain's table? No. They've got a new captain. Oh,

Captain Bird's Eye. They've got a new Captain Bird's Eye. And? He's dark and Mediterranean. Oh, do you like it?

The ladies like it. Oh, the ladies do. The old ladies. The older ladies like it oh the ladies do the old ladies the older ladies like a little bit of a so they've gone they've gone all continental

sexy Captain Birdseye which is strange with Brexit and everything that they've gone for that are we making this political less English no they just want a man

they see in the Mills and Boons books well anyway I just thought I'd because they really sell to mums Birdseye don't they they have the kids in I think that's what

they would have found out but the mums buy it at the shop so they've gone they've moved away from the sort of father christmas pedophile looking one which is a shame which i like you knew where you were just big blonde head you knew where you were that big blonde scrubby beard you knew when you said little timmy off captain bird's eye he'd come back and change boy he'd come back stuffed full of frozen fingers all right well okay on the line, that's just a little aside. So let's go to the disco.

So wet. Mate, it is the definition of tepid. It is the head boy of disco music. It is a pastel colour of vomit stretching for infinity in my mind. It is the closed down BBC Two music on the clock. It is like being dead. I'll go with that. It is like being dead.

It is so bad. It is almost transcendentally. Transcendentally. No, it almost transcends. It almost does, but it doesn't quite transcend Me and you are fucking idiots I know but Come on

Right I know Okay So Let's go to the disco Fucking poor Then YMCA He does nothing with that

It's wet as well I hate saying wet all the time But they all come across like They're bad karaoke tracks It's tepid yes And they're all on the same kind of And he really is not Keyboard

He's not a singer It's like I was saying yes. And they're all on the same kind of keyboard. And he really is not a singer. It's like I was saying to you, this album has not touched a single instrument. No. There's not a single real instrument. It's all played on a slightly out-of-date small Casio keyboard. Turn it on.

Then you've got Una Paloma Blanca. Multiplication. Now, Una Paloma Blanca, isn't that written by Jonathan King? No. Is it? No, that's the Bobby Darin one. No, no, that's Multiplication.

Multiplication is the Bobby Darin one. Uma Polona Blanca. It just says, it doesn't have a songwriter's name, it says Bowen's Noon Music. Oh. Which is probably nonce. It's just a nonce cover. No, it might not be.

I know it's, I mean, Jonathan King sang it, didn't he? And he released an English language version of it. And he finishes with Happy Birthday. Stevie Wonder's version of Happy Birthday. Now, can we just go to multiplication? Because I think, as we said at the time, Ross Abbott has this magical skill with this album. Two magical skills.

One is, you hear the first little bit of the song and you think, this might not be that bad. And then he starts singing And you My soul hurts And it hurts It's a physical experience It makes you grimace in pain

How awful this music is It's like the song Like supernaturally changes From being To Oh god where's it It's like that It's like having a kind of negative quickening

It is the quickening So That's point one Point two is He has a kind of negative quickening. It is the quickening. So that's point one. Point two is he has a way of making every song sound like it's a theme tune to a TV show game show. Yes. You know? It's like Multiplication is a great example where it's a great Bobby Darin song. When you hear it, you think, oh, he's about to come on with his guests and there's a competition and they can win a Fiat Panda. Yeah.

Every single song sounds like the theme for a game show that has been discontinued. Yeah, all starring Russ Abbott. All failed pilots. Nausea. That's the feeling that this... After listening to a few of these songs in a row, Paul, I started to feel sick.

And that is no word of a lie. Do you know that reaction I was telling you about, that physical reaction of going, ah, ah. When you get that one after the other, it generally becomes like a kind of torture. You think, ah, it's coming. Ah, don't. No.

Daddy, no, no. For Christ's sake. Right. Side moving on. Dic-a-dic. Moving on to side B, All Night Holiday. God, we've got catchphrases now. How awful is that?

Well, you know. All Night Holiday, which is another one from their team. The original. Let's play a bit of that which is another one from their team. The original. Let's play a bit of that. Because this one gets close to being a song. All night holiday. All night holiday. All night holiday.

All night holiday. Let me take you somewhere you will not forget Somewhere you have never been before You say you've seen the best You ain't seen nothing yet. Tonight we'll have you shouting out for more, more, more. We'll have an

all-night holiday. An all-night holiday. Everyone for miles around will hit the lights and paint the town We'll have an all-night holiday And dance the night away

Everybody come on down We'll have an all-night holiday Well, it's a song that bears a structural resemblance... To music. ...to atmosphere, doesn't it? It sounds a bit like they've gone for the template of atmosphere. A little bit. Let's just copy that song.

A little bit. A lot a bit. And let's put a lot. Top of side B, so people don't know what the fuck they're listening to. Mind you, if you actually put this on in an unironic way in the 80s you must have been so drunk no you would have been a kind of nice half british family in the 80s you're nice 2.4 children raging alcoholism underneath the neighbors have come over for christmas you put this on you don't you forget about picking music for an hour that's basically what it comes down to for 45 minutes you don't have to pick any music because

he gives a little bit of everything. A little bit of disco, a little bit of 80s pop, a little bit of soul, a little bit of Stevie fucking Wonder. The whitest man in the world singing about a person of colour who's singing about a person of colour.

That's the recursion of that. It's like when Elvis Presley reinvented rock and roll for white people. Russ Abbott is trying to Reinvent Stevie Wonder In his own way So All Night Long, All Night Holiday We were listening to it

And we thought Oh what an atmosphere All night holiday All night holiday What does All Night holiday even mean? It means for one night, it feels like a holiday. You go to Pontins or Batlins

and you go and you... It sounds like the worst chat-up line. Come back to my place, love. I'll give you an all night holiday. Flights included. Okay. And then you've got Give It Up,

Casey and the Sunshine Band tune Now here's what I will say about that I think The song is so strong Yes That it makes it perhaps The best cut on the record Would you say?

It's weird isn't it Because it sounds piss It sounds Casio keyboard And when Ross Abbott comes in He distills that further But the song is so good You still sing along Because baby give it up give it up babe

no one has ever when that song comes on the radio or in the disco no one complains everyone sings it it's a great song russ abbott they had a lot of numbers like that case yeah sunshine band such as Such as? Shut up. What was that other one? Don't ask me. Well, at least I'm not asking my device. Come on. Casey and the Sunshine. What else do they do? That's the way.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. I like it. So, I did think of one. Right? That's it. That's all I can think of. That's a good one as well. That's the way I like it.

Prick. So anyway. I like them, Casey and the Sunshine Band. Good. Another little fact about them, Paul. Yeah. Casey didn't like being the front man. Yeah.

He was a songwriter and singer. Yeah. But he did tend to send out people to front the band when they were on tour. Really? To stay home, yeah. And no one noticed? Or knew? Yeah. Or cared? No, I stay home, yeah. And they were noticed? Or knew? Yeah, he wasn't a big... No, I mean, not that I care.

I'm saying the audience didn't care. They were just like, I like the music. Yes. They had a lot of hits. And they were on the TK disco label out of Miami, Florida, if anyone's into that kind of thing. Basically, Russ Abbott ruins it,

but it's an unruinable song, so well done. At the Hop, just a terrible... Again, in the 80s, there was this whole sort of Jive Bunny movement, which let's say... That was the late 80s, because this was 84, and Jive Bunny... It wasn't until like 88. So this sort of pre... It was a trend going through right from the 70s, really.

Do you know why? Of reviving the whole rock and roll, the rock and roll nostalgia. And Back to the Future worked as well. Was that about Blacks? No. Back to the Future. Black to the Future. That'd be good.

Back to the Future, though, helped with that whole 50s nostalgia thing, I think. Peggy Sue got married in another film. That was also a big hit. It was a big thing, wasn't it? The first flush of rock and roll was so resonant within the culture

that people just keep trying to go back. When was Repetit re-released? God, that's a hard thing big thing wasn't it the first flush of rock and roll was so resonant within the culture that people just keep trying to sort of go back when was Reet Petit re-released god that's a hard thing to fucking say Reet Petit was re-released around

this time okay Reet Petit re-released around around and unfortunately do you know what the real tragedy of that is

Jackie Wilson one of the greatest soul singers I would say, R&B singers of all time, he was in a coma from the mid-70s. Oh.

Yeah. He died. And he was enjoying so much success with Repetit, wasn't he? Wow. At that time.

That's pissed on this, And he wasn't even in the fucking video, was he? No, it was a claymation thing. A claymation of a fucking pussycat. Oh, look about,

look about, look about, look about. Is that you doing an impression? It's not a claymation thing. A claymation of a fucking pussy cat. Oh look about look about look about look about Is that you doing an impression? It's not bad. It's bad. You are bad.

Okay so there's that. Uptown Girl he does. Billy Joel. Again weak source. It's just empty.

It sounds weak and the harmonies are weird in that as well. I know. Why would you do that? I mean, you know, Billy Joel is someone I would have said, oh, I don't like Billy Joel. Did you say Joel? Or was it Joel?

It doesn't matter. To him. He's rich enough to ignore me. So, Billy Joel. Yeah. Someone I used to think, oh, Billy Joel. But you know what? What?

I was packing up. A bit of a Tales from the Dark. I was packing up my bags at a Tales from the Dolls from all the way. I was packing up my bags at the Blue's Kitchen the other day. Yeah. My job was done, Paul.

You know, closing time, as they say. Yeah. And they stuck on Piano Man by Billy Joel and I burst into tears. It's so beautiful.

It is. It is. He's a fucking great songwriter. It's not to do that you were drunk. I was drunk Yeah so that probably helped Billy Joel Yeah but

Sing me a song I'm the piano man You're the piano man I love that song We didn't start the fire That's also good Very clever You ever cry at that then?

I ever cry All the time Yeah I bet you do In your house of pickle Yeah Why is it the house of pickle? There's only one pickle ever I've ever seen in this room

I've never seen pickles. What pickle did you fucking see? One that was in a tray that was full of food. There was a fucking jar of cornichons. You're ignoring. House of Cornichons. It's got a ring to it. It's a bit more classy, actually.

What about the chutneys and Indian-style pickles that I keep under the bed? Well, I don't know about them, do I, until now, so I couldn't say. Then you've got In the Mood for Dancing. I'm in the mood. Well, I don't know about them, do I, until now? So I couldn't say. Then you've got In the Mood for Dancing. I'm in the mood. By Noel Edmonds. Not Noel Edmonds. There's no where Edmonds. You just start saying

Noel Edmonds, everything. Who wrote Hamlet? Noel Edmonds. Who am I? I'm Noel Edmonds. Who's the greatest TV personality in the world? Noel Edmonds.

You look yourself in the mirror. Edmonds, Edmonds, Edmonds, Edmonds. Who's the greatest TV personality in the world? Noel Edmonds. You look yourself in the mirror. Edmonds, Edmonds, Edmonds, Edmonds. Who helped Fred West and Rose West get away with murder for years? Noel Edmonds. Fuck me, you really are. You really are. There's no proof to that. It's fine. The whole of Cheap Show is going to be taken down by the Edmonds lawyer army.

Yeah, it's like Barbara Streisand listening to every radio wave at the same time. Huh? Somebody said my name. Somebody said my name. Somebody said my name. Is Streisand very litigious? Is she known for that? Yeah, but there's a thing called the Streisand effect, isn't there? What is that? She used to pay a group of people to go through the newspapers and if anything came up, to say,

our lawyers will want that story out of the papers, for whatever reason. However... Asking to remove any mention of her, basically. But to do that brought attention to it, so it meant more people would find out about that story the Streisand effect so the Streisand effect is when you

try so hard for people not to talk about you that they do talk about you yes I didn't know that there you go I didn't know that

you have learned something my son don't touch me in real life you've been there alright don't stroke my hair alright okay

so Nolan Sisters I'm In The Mood For Dancing a great song again one of those ones that it's hard to ruin completely, but he does a very good try at it, but it's a great disco hit. Yeah.

He ruins it. I mean, come on, it's awful. I mean, he ruins everything. Then you've got When You're In Love

with a Beautiful Woman. Which again, is the closest he gets to actually doing a song. Yeah. And it's not good. It's not good. He does not sing well.

But it's more in his wheelhouse, that song, than any of the others. It's more in his in his wheelhouse that song than any of the others it's more of a sort of cabaret number it's cabaret then he finishes side two and indeed the album

Paul and his career with a medley of Beach Boys songs which were painful to listen to yes because you've got good vibrations

I Get Around and Barbaran these are youth anthems about being young being free up yours daddy-o up yours daddy-o up yours daddy-o exactly

but he is daddy-o the big daddy of them all he is the worst kind of pastel shirt wearing daddy-o fun shutdown

do you remember when he tried to reinvent himself as an edgy comic by basically portraying the Al Bundy character from the British version of Married With Children did he?

yeah he played is this the 90s? yeah the 90s I can't remember what it was called right off the top of my head but it was the British version of Married With Children. Did he? Yeah, he played that character. Was this the 90s? Yeah, the 90s or so. I can't remember what it was called right off the top of my head, but it was the British version of Married With Children. Right.

So your Beach Boys medley, very, very, very poor. To finish the record, and that is perhaps one of the most nauseating, and we didn't even listen to it all, Paul. Imagine having to listen to that all and eating a piece of pineapple with a bit of cheddar on top of it.

You know what I mean can you imagine how much you'd want to kill yourself I've actually had that moment probably I've probably gone to my nan's 60th birthday party at the Royal Legion

the British Legion Club and there's a DJ up there and at some point he's put a few of these tracks on an Agadou by Black Lace and Superman and the Time Warp

but not the original one the one by the other artist that released it in the 90th the Time Warp that was and the Time Warp, but not the original one, the one by the other artist that released it in the 90s, the Time Warp. The Time Warp. And that reimagining, if I can say it, of the Kung Fu fighting, which had the bit where they go, they put that in. Do you remember?

Yeah. There was a lot of great music in the past, but also, we need to remember the bad stuff. Now, Noel Edmonds, go away. Let's go quickly on to our next two songs. What did you say, Noel Edmonds, when you meant to say... Oh, my God! Paul.

I need to get rid of this beard. Paul, you need to fucking get rid of the beard. You're starting to look like him. I'm not even shitting you, man. You're starting to look weirdly him. I'm not even shitting you, man. You're starting to look weirdly Edmunds-y. We're moving on with another platter. Now, again, another song, another little single, which traumatised me. It is...

Set it up and then we'll play it. Why are we going to do this one? Let's do the music one first because we need to get through the trauma. Now, this was something I saw in a shop and it is the kind of thing i get in a charity shop yeah and my eyes light up when i see this kind of item i have to say i love this kind of educational vinyl a kind of music and movement i like children's records you know old children's records not you know I'm saying. Don't look at me. Right.

But this really... That's the Inspector Gadget theme. I bet you do. What, Inspector Gadget? Yeah. I bet I inspect a gadget. Yeah, I bet you do. Yeah, and then what? I get a fucking wank, do I?

Yeah. Right, brilliant. No, that is top class comedy from Paul. Now, moving on. Yeah, go on. Now, I do love a sort of educational record or something, you know, I think you'd call it miscellaneous stuff, wouldn't you, Paul? Now, I love this.

So this really piqued my interest when I saw it. It is The Preschool Child. It's a seven-inch single, the preschool child, on a very particular 70s shade of orange. Very. It's a terracotta almost? Yes.

And the publisher... Images and pictures of the items that we are talking about will be on the website, www.thecheapshow.co.uk. So you can see what we're talking about. This is a record issued by the Open University. Interesting.

The O-U-A. You can see the symbol there. And that symbol, again, very nostalgic for me. Because, ladies and gentlemen, during the 70s and 80s, into the 90s, when normal programming stopped on the BBC channels, they would start early in the morning with the Open University programming. The educational shows. Do you remember that, Paul?ul yes i used to watch those the famous scenes of what uh old men in white jackets

in front of boards bearded men bearded men explaining trigonometry once i was on lsd yeah and i was watching as you do at four in the morning as you do the open university came on yeah and i was with a friend tripping on lsd and um this bearded guy was standing by a chalkboard and he was pointing at a symbol and his name came up and his name was dr freak with an e and i thought that was the best thing that had ever happened to me wow up to that point it might still be it might still be it's up there yeah it is up there top five five, right? It's fantastic. He was called Dr. Freak. He had a jumper and he had a huge beard.

For next episode, Eli's top three. Eli's top three most amazing moments. So that's one. So we've got two more. That's coming back, ladies and gentlemen. We'll do that next episode, right? You've got to promise me. Top three moments of my life. Which we're going to record in about half an hour, so remember. Okay. Now, this is The Preschool Child.

Yeah. It's a 33 RPM, more of an EP, but it's on a 7-inch format. So let's just skip to the actual what it is, what it is. I'm just giving a little preamble. I have to edit this fucking show

and we're already out 30 minutes and we've got a whole other thing to talk about. So, mate. Well, you may... Well, do you know what? We could have fucking cut, Paul? Some of your

wittering on about Russ fucking Abbott. Which is shit. Just shit. We could have just said, we could have summed up that whole section by saying, what?

Look at this Russ Abbott having a party. What's your fucking... I'll tell you what, right now, edit within the show. Shit, shit, shit. This will be the last

segment of this episode, right? And then we'll save the true crime for next. Okay And then we'll save The true crime For next Okay Which we were an item short on anyway Alright

So that works out nicely Because my laptop's fucked And I couldn't do the piece I wanted to do So We've done a little bit of admin Right now Live

You're listening to it Ladies and gentlemen It's happening I'm very excited Now this record The preschool child So we will go to the alien killings In the next episode

Of the show We hope you join us there for that. It's a good story. It's a good story. Now. And now with all that said, we're going to go back to our bumper edition of Silverman's Platter. The Preschool Child. I haven't finished yet.

No, I have. Yes? Yes. The Preschool Child, the Open University. Now, it's a strange combination this, Paul, because it is a record directed at the adults. Yes, I think so. But also it has the songs sung to the preschool children. Children would sing.

Now, let's just let it speak for itself. I think we have to. The beginning of the first side, it really is something, isn't it, Paul? Let me just put it this way. Can I just kind of give them a bit of a kind of false equivalency? Yes. put it this way can i just kind of give them a bit of a kind of false equivalency yes i want them to not imagine that this is an open university discussion about nursery rhymes for children simple basic songs for children who are very young to understand rhythm and tone and things like that

let's ignore that okay that's just what it actually is which is what it is let's just pretend right now ladies and gentlemen that you're sitting in an old spooky house and you've been offered by a lawyer a million pounds if you can spend one night in this spooky old house on a hill surrounded by a forest in the scariest part of the Yorkshire Dales the wind blows

it howls, only a fire keeps you warm as it crackles away suddenly look he's got to hit me sort out the thing right you're in a fucking scary old house yeah

is that what you're trying to say and what I'm saying is and the wind's blowing and then anything else from a different room in the house all you hear

is this ah ah ah ah ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Paul's rocking, ah, ah, Paul's rocking, ah, ah, Paul is my special boy, Paul's rocking, ah, ah, ah. He's my special darling boy, Paul's rocking, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

With very young children, the physical contact of lap games and rhymes, like this little piggy went to market, are very important. In wee wiggy, you wiggle each of the child's toes in turn, starting with the little toe. Wee Wiggy, Poke Piggy, John Whistle, Tom Gristle and Old Big Gobble Gobble Gobble. That freaked me the fuck out. Paul is my special baby. He's a fat baby. A wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Oh, a lap game. Come and play a lap game with me, Paul.

What is all that about? What's the lap game? I like to see kids on the lap. A wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. A wiggle, wiggle. This is the pedo podcast. This is the pedo comedy podcast. It's not pedo.

It's just... There is something strange about that record, and its intention is marred by its presentation. He has this weird voice, that his delivery is all a bit sort of like he's trying to suppress emotion. Does it sound a bit like that? It's more like he's talking down to an adult.

Yes. Because the topic is childish. He has a condescending sort of tone. But I just love that. It really, for me, is redolent of the 70s. When he started mentioning... I can smell their jumpers when I hear him talk. He's a folk singer, obviously.

When the second bit came up about... Big and wiggly. My favourite Paul. I was thinking, if I heard that in my room at night and then it started describing what I was wearing. You know what I mean? It'd be like, Oh, it's my favourite baby boy.

Oh. I would cry. Oh, stop. No, you stop it. No, stop it. Oh, it's my favourite baby boy. Stop it. And this is a game I like to play in a lap,

when I wiggle your toes. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. So that is a real piece. I love that kind of thing. Can you imagine you were lying in bed, and your feet are hanging out, and then you feel someone grab your toe and go, wiggle, wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle so that is a real piece I love that kind of thing can you imagine you were lying in bed and your feet are hanging out and then you feel someone grab your toe

and go wiggle wiggle wiggle you would fucking scream but it might be too unlimited with their song wiggle it no just a little bit acid groove you fucking moron

so that is the preschool child that is a very unsettling piece of music it's got four tracks on it. The B-side is more of the same, but more school mom-ish. There's a very posh lady who comes in on the side. By rhythm. Talking about rhythm. This is the coconut.

And also, Paul, it is the kind of record you can imagine some kind of turntablist or hip-hop producer. Oh, sampling. Yeah, can't you? And using the rhythm. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. A rocking song.hop producer. Oh, sampling. Yeah, can't you? And using the rhythm. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. The rhythm. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. We're rocking song.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Yeah. I can't do a single sound. Are you trying to clear your throat there? Yeah. Right, so let's move on. It's scary and strange. Wow.

Wow, wow, wow. Oh, no, he's doing this. Wow, wow. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Some, some, some, some. Wow. It's Paul's patented dubstep impression. Wow.

Dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum. Wow. Dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum. Wow, wow, wow. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Whoa.

Okay, got weird. So, I love that. And like I say, it is a whole other world of educational media. How many platters would you give that out of five? I'd give it a good four and a half. And what would you give Russ Abbott's I Love A Party album on your platter scale? Minus a million billion. Oh, nice.

Sensible and mature. Now, let's move on to our last platter. Let's move on to our last platter, ladies and gentlemen. Something a little bit more at ease. Now, this is a very strange record. Again, from the early 80s, 82. John Dummer and Helen April.

People I have never heard of, but let's have a little Google search for them now. Oh, we should do. OK Google. John Dummer and Helen April. Here's what I found on the web. Oh, well, it sends me to Discogs, which I don't know if that's going to help us much. Well, we can get the price of what these records were.

Released in 1982. It is. First of all, the A side, we're not talking about, which is Blue Skies, which is a very pretentious reimagining of that song. Irving Berlin song. Yeah. Is it from a musical or is it?

It must be. I'm not sure which, though. And the B side is called A Nice Cup of Tea. And itving Berlin song. Yeah. Is it from a musical or was it? It must be. I'm not sure which though. And the B-side is called A Nice Cup of Tea and it's not really a track it's just a it's a bit of a sort of skit I'd say isn't it?

I don't even I'll describe it well they're going to listen to it aren't they? We're going to put a little bit of it on right about now.

Good morning dear. Hello. Would you like a nice cup of tea? Oh yes please that'd be nice. All right, I's that pot? Nice hot water in the pot, so it's warm, and and then that always makes a very nice cup of tea. Right, one, one spoonful of tea. Right. Cups. Two saucers, fresh milk out the fridge.

Well yesterday's milk it is but it should be alright. Wait for the old kettle to boil now. Shouldn't be too long. Oh, it's quite a nice sunny morning. I might go out later. Don't see why not. Oh, I think down your way is on the radio. I think I'll just put it on. So, I don't know too much about them.

But it's strange. It's weird. He goes and he makes a cup of tea she's in bed she goes i like a cup of tea the john dummer band i don't know if it's related must be uh i mean you change your name if you had any sense why would you be called john no it can't be it's because that john dummer is the um is a british blues band of the 60s and 70s well maybe that might have been him dummers later career which sounds like the worst kind of fucking comedy movie starring that prick. What's his name from Paul Blart's Mart Cop or whatever it's called.

Paul Blart's Mart Cop. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, who's, what's he called? Hello, Google. I'm not going to go down a Google rabbit hole of that prick. Well, don't, mate. Don't. No, I don't think it's the same one. It doesn't seem to mention

this song anyway. Okay, anyway. Anyway, we're going off on a tangent. It's a terrible thing because he goes down and makes a cup of tea and, but he's talking to himself like an insane person because it's an audio and he's going, he's got to describe everything he does. Warm up the cup, warm up the cup, I have a lovely day. And I'll put the radio on and I have a lovely

day. And I'll fucking go and deal with that corpse outside and I'll whip the cup and have a lovely day. And I'll put the radio on and have a lovely day. And I'll fucking go and deal with that corpse outside and I'll chop it up into little pieces. La la la. La la la. Well that's the

thing. I actually think that too is... I'll go upstairs and then I'll kill my wife and then I'll chop her up

and I'll make tea out of her blood. And I'll drink blood. I'll drink blood out of her head like a cup.

I'll drink fucking blood. What a nice cup of tea. Oh it's a nice blood. I'll drink blood out of her head. Like a cup. I'll drink fucking blood. What a nice cup of tea. Oh, it's a nice cup of tea. What a nice cup of tea. What a fucking nice cup of tea. Oh, I'm dead inside. I don't feel any life. I don't feel life.

I'm having a wank. The demons are coming after me. I'm having a wank. I went there. I know you went there. But the point is, I have a theory. I'm sweating. I think he's actually got,

if you listen to it, there's like someone who's very vulnerable tied up on a chair, gagged. And he's talking to them. And he's just talking to them. Oh, got to warm the kettles up.

Warm the kettle up. And also, the fucking noise he makes doing it, I'd be like, come on, what are you doing? It's a terrible kind of ambient, weird mood piece.

And also, the A side, the blue skies. What a waste of vinyl as well they use a lot of sound effects in that don't they so obviously they're into the sound effects there's sort of like a but it has a kind of weird 80s naff emptiness that i find kind of she doesn't sing she just kind of introduced it by saying the lyrics and then a bit like that woman on that when she goes i like shopping that's what i like that woman when she goes, I like shopping. Shopping? That's what I like.

Do do do do do do do do do. She's a bit like that, isn't she? Best things in life are free. She's a bit like that, which is also from the 80s. I know. That version of money. So, how many platters? I don't care. It's not my section. You do it.

For John Dumber and Helen April. I'll give it to... It's like you think to yourself, who are you talking to, mate? And then he goes back upstairs and the whole point is to find out about it being... He doesn't want a cup of tea himself.

He wants a cup of coffee. Have a cup of coffee. That's a joke. That's a joke. It's not a joke. It's not a fucking joke. So what will happen? They come up with a piss-poor

version of Blue Skies. We've got to make a B-side, you know? I think that's it. That's what I'm getting. I'll just mess around some sound effects and a cup of tea. I don't know. Basically. I'm going to make a cup ofside, you know? I think that's it. That's what I'm getting. Oh, I'll just mess around some sound effects.

I don't know. Basically. I'm going to make a cup of tea. You play along. Oh, alright. Yeah. Oh, I'll have a cup of tea. Oh, I'm going to make a cup of tea. Oh, here's the plates. Here is the cups. Here is the spoon. Here is the pot. Here is the... Oh, here's me masturbating. Oh, I'm going to put it in my hand. And I move it up. And I move

it down. And I'm moving it up. And I move it down. And I'm moving it up. What a lovely day outside. And I'm moving it down. And I'm moving it up. Watch out. Watch out. Floaters. Lovely little globby floaters in here. Is that milk? Did you put milk in it?

No. I put spank. We're pathetic. We're pathetic. Oh, I took a shit in your tea. That's it. The silver platters are over. Paul's finished. He can't fucking think straight.

He's not used to staying up this late, ladies and gentlemen. Got one more episode to record. Oh, my God. It's going to be low energy. It is. Right, that's Silverman's Platters, everybody. And I think we've... It's time to end the show. It's going to be low energy. It is. Right, that's Silverman's Platters, everybody. And I think we've... It's time to end the show.

It's time to end the show. And that's it for another wacky episode of Cheap Show. The zany episode of Cheap Show. Well, I've enjoyed myself this week, Paul. I've enjoyed myself this week. Now, as I say,

we will move the Pick Me Up magazine to the next episode. There you go. Okay. Right. Also, again, we'll just do a bit of admin. Send us your slash fic to thecheapshow at gmail.com. You can follow us at thecheapshowpod on

Twitter. Eli is Eli Snowy, D-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and I am Paul Gannon Show. P-A-U-L G-A-N-N-O-N-S-N-O-I-D and I am Paul Gannon show P-A-U-L-G-A-N-N-O-N-S-H-O-W not as catchy so you can get us on there we also have a

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forward slash R forward slash cheap show and if you really like us you can support us yeah listen to this quality comedy that you're getting and think And if you really like us, you can support us. Yeah. Listen to this quality comedy that you're getting and think, that's worth it.

Yeah, but there's something else they can get, isn't there, Paul? What? If they support us on Patreon. Is it a nuzzle? No. Oh. I'm on a bouncy merkin. What's that mean? I am developing a pubic wig of such girth, of such springiness, of such size and tension,

that I will be springing down the street to your generous door. It's all oiled. Don't worry about that. And I will be springing down, acting like I'm dead, on a big bouncy merkin ball. Well, I think that's not your best comedy invention. It's a shame. I saw where you were going, but I prefer you being dead or the nuzzle man. That was quite

nice. Do you want to try again? Be wittier? I'll shit in your house. I'll come down to your house and shit. I'll look in the window while I'm taking a shit. I'll stick my finger in my arse I'll ring your doorbell when you come

I'll just sort of fucking lie there Right, you can also download us rate and review on iTunes if you listen to us on iTunes, why not give us a review leave a few words, that'd be quite nice I'll lick a wall You've peaked and this is the down after the

high all right of we're edmunds so you can follow us on uh yeah emails for the slash vic our website the cheap show.co.uk shut up you i was distracted by your pointless and time consuming i think about where you were tangent a big bouncy merkin man, is something that people will value. Well, anyway, my point being is that just go and look for us and review SoundCloud down close on an app. It's all good, baby.

It's all good. You can find us anywhere. And Patreon is patreon.com forward slash cheap show. And with that, it's time to say goodbye. I hope you enjoy it. It's been a great show. Well, we've had a great time on telly and i'm a big beady prick and i'm a murderer paul turn that off no paul give it to me no edmunds no edmunds i am

goodbye everybody Noel Edmonds, I am! Goodbye, everybody.