CheapShow - Ep 65: Murder or Ice Cream?

Episode Date: January 27, 2018

What's popular in podcasts these days? Murder, right? So Paul & Eli decide to jump on that "True Crime" bandwagon and find a story about a cheap serial killer. It does not go well and Eli is not impressed. In fact, Eli is not impressed much in this episode. He is let down by Tales from the Shop Floor. He is upset about the Cheap Eats selection and he is especially not happy about Paul... Who won't stop eating a sandwich. In fact, on reflection, this may be less a CheapShow episode and more of therapy session between two angry, tired men who have decided to record a podcast much later in the evening than they should ever attempt again. This podcast is a public record of this event. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

We're doing it. Go on, do your bloody intro. Precious little bloody intro. 65, you said? I think so, yeah. 65. Don't eat a sandwich. I am going to eat a lovely Plowman's no mayo sandwich.

Why no mayo? Because you're joyless. Because it was cheap and I got it. Because you're joyless. It's cheap show, it was cheap, I got it. It's fine. It's a bit soggy. Of course it's soggy.

There's no mayo to act as an oil barrier between the nasty wetness of the chutney and the tomato. It's a bit limp. And of course it's a bit limp. You're an idiot. You're a sandwich-buying numbskull. Right, you ready? So you're just going to make chewy noises while I try and do my intro, are you? No.

Hello, all of you great, great people. My name is Eli Silverman. You're listening to another episode of Cheap Show. Here is Paul Gannon. He's also here. Paul Gannon. Everybody, it's Paul. He's eating a sandwich. Hello. I'm eating a sandwich. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. a sandwich. Noodle time Tales from the Darkshore How's the big guy?

A fight of the shite This is for Gallantane Hello Eli Silver This is Paul Gannon saying hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Oh, good. That's good, Paul. Yeah. You're just going to stop there. Yeah.

No, welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to you. Welcome to Cheap Show. How are you doing? I'm going to make that noise with my mouth that you don't like. What? I've noticed it now. You know What? I've noticed it now. You know what? I've noticed it now, and I'm really starting to feel bad about myself.

Oh, the lip smacking when you, yeah. I do it. I do do it. It's so hard to edit all your, actually, actually. Oh, I don't look. Wait, so I open up. I show a bit of vulnerability, and you're in there with a knife. As soon as I admit something some fault

in there stab him stab his down he's showing a weakness I've never stabbed you he's showing his

cheek in his fucking armour I'm gonna slice in the gap between his chain mail and his fortified underpants

I have never stabbed you while you've opened up for me okay alright I would never it's another episode of Cheap Show me. Okay. All right? I would never. It's another episode of Cheap Soap, Paul.

You're too precious. And do you know what, Paul? Yeah? It's already descended into near-frenzied madness as you stuff a limp sandwich into your mouth. You're going to ruin your appetite for what's coming up on the show. That's a good point. We've got cheap eats coming up on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

We do have cheap eats. What else have we got? Well, we've also got to do that Pick Me Up story we didn't do last episode. Oh, God. Yeah, we're going to do that.

So, deal with it. It's going to be good. And if it's not, it's going to be a very short episode because I'll cut it out. But, we'll see. We'll find out. And we also have

Eli's Cheap Eats. Thank you. And what I wanted to do is open up the show today by, um, we've had a few tales from the shop floor sent to us.

Ah. So let me just pull up my phony-wony and, uh, go into my messages where we've had a direct message from D-Stex.

Remember D-Stex? Yes, he had that very fascinating set of tales regarding his mum that you ran the charity shop in Canada. And I think you'll enjoy his next story.

Are you ready for it? Hit me with it one time. You know what's weird? He asks. I have one more shop floor tale and I wrote back, hit me with it. Really? Right there. So I wrote hot.

Great mind. Auto correct. So here he goes. Sorry. Was in a drive-thru when I sent that home now oh

filling his face with fast food there's drive-thrus here there's drive-thrus all over the world I know but come on mate self-respect

get yourself a lovely dinner there's nothing like the satisfaction of cooking your own dinner are you some kind of fucking prick I'm

what the fucking hell? Well, you sound in that one. I made a chicken curry last night by hand with coconut milk. No, standing applause, ladies and gentlemen. Paul, who basically subsides on eating pieces of plastic and cigarette papers, made a curry.

What did you use to make the curry sauce, Paul? Out of a packet, was it? No, it wasn't. Out of a dairy packet. I used herbs and I used curry powders. I can't remember now. We have a big jar full of them, different types. Garam masala?

Yes. Yes, that's the spice mix that we use, isn't it? Yeah, we use that. That's good. Did you brown it? Yeah. Oh, that's good, yeah. And I separated it.

You have to toast the herbs, don't you? Yeah, yeah. Do you know? Oh, right. I was reading, in Mexican cuisine, they do that with a lot of the herbs and spices. They kind of toast it lightly, even with the fresh herbs. And that's how they give it.

Everything has a certain sort of smokiness in Mexican cuisine. Big wow. Shut up. What's gone over you, apart from several men spunk just eat your sandwich hey come on that was bad i know it's i i i find it hard to believe paul but we seem to have hit a new low in a lack of inspiration and just pure inability to even amuse ourselves. We're not allowed to do late night recordings of Cheap Show. That has to be the new rule. You're getting all fucking lackadaisical, my friend.

Here we go. Here's the sex story. Okay, settle in. Okay, so a few years back, my mum was working at a thrift store on Christmas Eve. As you do. As you do. I hate it when people say that.

As you do. This was at a previous... Do you hate me? Yeah. No, I love you. Okay. This was at a previous location the store had been at for decades, a building with an extremely negligent landlord. Ah.

There's your setup. I've got it. Right, we're in. So my mum is in the back workroom where she feels something drip onto her head. At this point, do you have any guesses? Broken toilet upstairs or something. Let's see where it goes. Okay.

She wonders what's going on and then the smell hits her. Sewage. She looks up, sees a splotch in the ceiling tile. In this building, there are apartments above the stores. And the sewage pipe for at least one of the apartments burst. On Christmas Eve? Yeah. So now it is raining human shit in the workroom of the thrift shop.

The landlord is currently remodeling that space into a convenience store. Wow. Wow. I mean, he did have a bit of... He had the poo on the ceiling before. He did. Strangely, I think he's making this up and he just wants to get stories in that we'll read

that involve poo on ceilings. Yeah. Because this came from the ceiling in this story as well, didn't it? He's going to start writing stories, I was in a charity shop, there was shit on the ceiling. That's what he's just, he's got a weird fetish of telling stories to people in other continents about poo

being on ceilings. Well, D-Stex, I hope you get help. We do love it, D-Stex. D-Stex bows with Holly. Poor. I'm not trying to be funny, Paul. No, you never have been. You get by on your charm, mate.

And your angry little ferrety business. Okay, what do you get by on? Eating a sandwich whilst we're trying to record a podcast. We craft this with our own hands. Are you putting effort in? Yeah. Does it advertise effort? If you eat a fucking soggy ass...

I can confirm the sandwich was reduced, everybody. Reduced in price. Cheap show. It's cheap show. It's not fucking tramp show, is it? Well, well. Well, do you want to go there? Well.

Do you want to go there? I do go there. As you know, I have full sex with homeless men. What? All the time. I'm having it now. No, you're not. Stop it. There's a very small homeless man. No, you're not. Stop it.

There's a very small homeless man. They're like a homunculus tramp. We should get complaints for this show. There is a tramp in my butt. Wow. Come on. What other stories have you got then? I've got another one.

Stop eating. It's insulting to me and everyone else listening, Paul. It's disrespectful. Okay. All right. Give us another Tales from the Shop floor. Insulting to me and everyone else listening, Paul, is disrespectful. Okay, so give us another Tales from the Short Flow. This is from Stephen Theory. He's been on the show before. We've mentioned him in the past.

He sends us a little story on Twitter. Hi, guys. After listening to your latest episode, I'd like to share a story from my time volunteering at the charity St. Vincent's, DePaul's, or Vinnie's, as it's known. Is this, again, a different country? I think so. Okay. I should do the research, but I'm sorry, St. Vincent's, DePaul's or Vinnie's, as it's known. Is this, again, a different country? I think so. Okay. I should do the research, but I'm sorry, Stephen. Don't hit me. I worked there two

days a week for over three years on the furniture truck, delivering and picking up furniture plus delivering welfare and refugee packs. Nice. Fair enough. The one that comes to mind was the unfortunate time we gave a welfare recipient bed bugs from a lounge we picked up earlier that day if we had welfare jobs we usually tried to fill them with the items we picked up during the day the couch looked all right and it seemingly

wasn't very unfortunate now paul very negligent have you suffered from bed bugs no it sounds awful have you no i'm, considering your nest. Listen, this bed is brand new. And my genitals... But the sheets look like a used hanky. Yeah, big hanky. Get yourself new clean sheets. Get yourself fucking new...

Get yourself just clean sheets. You know what, Paul? Get yourself a new comedy podcast partner. All right? All right. Fucking try it. You fucking try it. I'm nothing without you.

I'm not saying that. I'm just saying. Yeah? I'm nothing about you. Mate, you're losing your fucking mind. Read another story. There is... Oh, God, I've got to go into email now.

Oh, for fuck's sake. You won it. Fucking hell. That wasn't a great story, I have to say,'s sake. You won it. Fucking hell. That wasn't a great story, I have to say, from Stephen. I'm sorry. It was a bit like we gave someone who was vulnerable an infection of... It's pretty bad, though. An infection of insects, by mistake.

I'm sure they... They bit them. They bite. Yeah, I know. The bedbugs bite. Don't let the bedbugs bite. How do you not let them? If your bed's full of bedbugs, is that what your mum used to say to you paul yeah also good not your real mom did she used to say good night i don't know who your dad is good night what was the saying good night god tight you don't know good night god bless thank you for watching don't let the bed bugs bite it was at the end wasn't yeah good night good night good night sleep tight do not let the bedbugs bite. It was at the end, wasn't it? Yeah. Good night. Good night. Good night. Sleep tight.

Do not let the bedbugs bite. If they do, do a poo. Put it in a tiny shoe. Fish tries to tell us an impy king. Oh, it's that thing from Bottom. You're doing Bottom. I was trying to do Bottom. You're doing Bottom.

Saw a little bee. Busy, busy bee. Fucking shut up. That is an account. Shut up. Just like me. Don't do this. Goodbye, night, night. All right.

Right. You've finished plagiarising. Can I make, night-night. All right? Right. You've finished plagiarising. Can I make my point about bed bugs bite? Yeah. So, there's the little rhyme, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. Yes. Which people in this country, Paul,

used to say to their children. Yeah. As a sort of little thing you say. Uh-huh. And you say, don't let the bed bugs bite. Don't go in the cupboard. How do you not let the bed bugs bite how do you not let them bite will

power don't give permission to bite me what so you're training your children to be psyops yeah controlling psyops yeah don't let the bed bugs by and then it moves on to like don't let the deer charge you don't let the bear don't let the bear eat me. And then you control the bear and you go into town with this bear. I would love to control you. I'm psyopsing a fucking bear

I would love to control you. I would like to kill you. Wow. And get away with it. No, I'd like to control you so I make you walk around. And then what do you make me do? Nosh you off?

No! Why are you going there today? It's weird. Why am I going there? You go into a shop and you go, And I knock someone off. Hello, my name is Eli. You are the problem tonight.

Have a fucking think about what you're doing. Stop eating that ploughman. Read the story. Jesus. I'm going to have to take control here. All right. Take control. Well, read me another story.

This one comes from Alexander Lee. He sent an email to say, I just started listening to your podcast last month and I'm really enjoying it. Your segment on thrift stores reminded me of something I saw years ago on TV. It was some bad top 10 cable TV, trashy reality TV thing.

True TV, he thinks. How it goes about is that there's this lady calmly browsing through some dresses at a thrift store. She then pauses for a second while looking at the dress and then just throws up. Right on the dress. She then pauses for a second while looking at the dress and then just throws up right on the dress. She then proceeds to wipe her mouth on the sleeve and then

casually walk off. Is it footage? Real footage? Yeah, there's a little link to it here as well. Let's watch this. Here we go. It must have been in-store footage or something if it's true. Maybe. Here we go. It's video footage.

So there she is. She's browsing these lovely dresses hanging up. She's having a little look in a thrift store. The video is now paused, so we're just waiting for it to recorrect to the internet. There she goes. Now, so far, looks pretty normal. She doesn't look nauseous. No, she looks like, you know, just an average American woman.

What is an average American woman, Paul? Her. She's not. Yeah. So, she's inspecting a lovely green dress. She looks at the price tag. And she doesn't like it. She's sick. Oh, and she wipes her mouth on it.

Shocking. Has a look around. Legs out. So, that price must have been quite disturbing if she was a... It must have been disgustingly high. Yes, it was. $14.50, it was. 1450! Blah!

But, Paul, a little moral dilemma put up by that. She vomited. She looked around. No one had noticed. No. It was a little squirt of vomit, wasn't it? It was a little barfette. And it did come on...

It wasn't a full gush. It wasn't a full gush. But would you have done the same? Well... I would have. I'm sorry. I have to say that. I would have.

No one saw me. I'm leaving. Would you actually say that. I would have. No one saw me. I'm leaving. Would you actually say, oh, sorry, I did a little vomit on this dress? No. I don't know. You would leave. You'd leave. You'd just leave.

I don't think I'd wipe my mouth on the dress, though. That seems to be the step too far I don't appreciate. That was the disrespectful step too far, yeah. Yeah. So, I don't know. Are there any other tails from the shop floor? There are, but I'll save them for another time. Because they're coming in and trickle. So, I may as well bank a few and save them for a later date.

So, thank you to everyone who sent them in so far. Keep them coming. Okay, now. It's Cheap Show, everybody. And I've got a little... Is that the end of that segment? Have you got a tails from the dance floor? I've got not...

It's not a tails from the dance floor. It's more of a tails from the street, Paul. Do you know what? Eli, take it away, my brother. This annoyed me. It's time we eat the sandwich. You are a weird eater. You know that.

You have all fucking day to have dinner or just eat something, but you insist on eating a fucking terrible sandwich whilst we're trying to record the show. You're just gormlessly eating it. Anyway.

Tell your story. I'm having a sandwich. I'm really hungry. I've got belly grumbles. Yeah, but... So, Paul. Yes, Eli. I'm walking along the other day and I sneeze. At the time I sneeze, I sneeze into my hand.

It's not like a... Yeah, you sprayed it. I didn't spray it everywhere. No. I sneezed like a gentleman into my hand. Okay. Sneezing. It's an involuntary thing that people do. It's an unfortunate reaction to something. It's not something you decide to do.

No, you can't plan for it. It's an involuntary thing your body does. Yes. It's a reaction. It's a reaction. We can all agree on that. We can all agree on that. I'm agreeing with you.

Good. Good. What a great story. I'm walking past an elderly couple at the time that I sneeze. Yes. And the woman audibly goes, and then her husband goes, yes.

And I'm like, what? I'm telling you, old people are ruder than young people. Do you think? Yeah. They too tend to be less respectful. I mean,

look at fucking Brexit. Oh, we're getting a bit political. Well, yeah, that's the thing. There's an article recently saying that the generation that was voted for Brexit, by and large, are dying out. So all the things they are having now an effect on, they won't be around to see. Which is great. Which is rude. It's just rude.

I'd say that was bloody ill behaviour. So you can see the point I'm trying to make. Old people should be killed. So I walk past... So where's the cut-off line? I sneeze. 50? I sneeze.

60? 70? Stop saying numbers. 60? What's the cut-off line? When do you start killing people? What age? Never.

Because you're not a bastard. No. I wouldn't... In this society, it's like Logan's Run, but a bit older. You're saying they should be killed at 60? No, I'm saying they should be killed I want to know from you when so you tell me

what their age should be I'm asking you for feedback is this men or women you're a part of this both well kill the men at birth yeah

and then save the women and I'll get to fuck them forever in a paradise full of sweet nectar sweet nectar no no no yeah no that's a horrible thing to say and forever in a paradise full of sweet nectar. Sweet nectar? No. No. No? Yeah.

That's a horrible thing to say. Well, you've brought up the whole genocide of the population as an actual idea. Just for age. I'm not saying... Do you know what, Paul? You're turning a world-saving device into a way just so you can get... You are losing your shizzle. No. You just said you'd want to have sex with women. Well, we're trying to fucking record.

Now, I'll tell you what. Go on. I... Yeah? Yeah. I believe everyone should live forever. In a perfect world,

I'd like every human to live for as long as they wanted, yeah? Forever. And I don't want to kill anyone. But apart from that couple who fucking said er in my face

as they walked past me as I did something fucking... involuntary. Yeah, I know. You poor booger. I just thought fuck off. Did you think it or just say it? I kind of looked around and thought fuck off and said it a bit. Yeah. But they didn't hear me. I'm not going

to attack them, but it's like... What if they attacked you? Do you know what, Paul? What if they got around and started kicking you? That wouldn't have been good. They might have had me. Stop actually kicking me, Paul? What have they got around you? They're kicking you. That wouldn't have been good. They might have had me. Stop actually kicking me, Paul. Paul, we've talked about touching. We're going to have to make another rule about eating sandwiches. And you're being a complete hypocrite and smoking a fag.

You've lost it. I haven't. I'm just trying to enjoy the show. You're not enjoying anything. You're making it very hard because you're awful tonight. And I'm trying to get something out of you, but it's not happening. It's not happening. Work with me, baby. I think people are going to like my story about the two rude people.

It's all right. If you could have had your way, what would you have done? No consequences. I would have just sat them down in a room. And I'd walk in. Give them both a gun. And I'd crack my knuckles. And walking around behind them.

I would give them both a gun. No, you asked me. Here's my idea. Can I would give them both a go. And I'd go, no. You asked me. No, here's my idea. Can I finish saying what I was going to say? Can I? Yes. That's it.

I'm finished. Just go in and crack your knuckles? Yeah. For what? Now, I'd explain to them. How long do your hands are sore? I'd explain to them that a sneeze is a physiological effect that I have no control over. And to say er is rude

and they should learn some respect and what's more Paul I think people more and more these days, I think it's to do with technology or whatever they seem to feel that they're in a bubble that people can't do you know what I mean, the amount of times people

have made a comment about me or are you going to go a bit alt-right no, I'm just saying people make a comment about me. Oh, you're going to go a bit alt-right. No, I'm just saying people make a comment about... I'm not alt-right at all. You're the one who advocated the genocide of everybody past a certain age. To like 60-year-olds, yeah, it's fine. That's not alt-right. That's full-on Nazi.

You've gone full-on Nazi. You're eating a sandwich. You're just low energy. I'm trying to fucking... How dare you? I am full energy. You're not a sandwich. You're just low energy. I'm trying to fucking... How dare you? I am full energy. You're not... Oh, is that high energy? Yeah, it is. Woo! It really bothered you,

didn't it? Did it really get to you? Did it dwell on your mind for a while? It's like people making comments about you as if they just assume you don't speak English or something. Or they just... People just feel like they're in a bubble and that they can just... It's like that girl who I walked past in the blues kitchen. She went,

Oh, tiny man. It's the same sort of thing. You are. But I was standing right there. You can't, you should go behind tiny man, you know,

not just tiny man. Just fucking say it. Oh, sexy lady. It's like that. It's like these fucking problems we have. People just, they fucking don't think before they speak or eat a sandwich

like a cunt eating a sandwich let's just get on with the show it's fucking cheap eats or something alright it is it's cheap eats next fucking hell

don't want anything now I'll be eating a sandwich fuck off alright here we go here we go it's the what is it cheap eats you gonna do the thing yeah here we go cheap cheap cheap go. It's the... What is it? Cheap eats.

You going to do the thing? Yeah. Here we go. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep,

cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep cheap eats time, everybody. It is. I'm looking forward to this. Hit me with it, Mr. Silverman. Now, should we just dive straight in here, Paul? Let's just start. No banter. No silly talk. No preamble. No eating a sandwich.

No sandwich. Sandwich is gone. Good. Sandwich gone. Cigarette is gone. Paul happy. Sandwich gone. Water left.

Water left. Sandwich gone. Right. Here we go. We should never do this so late in our life. Never. Right. Okay, now. Here we go. We should never do this so late in the night. Never. Right. Okay, now.

Here we go. I was sent a few items from the States recently by my avid listener and sister-in-law, Emma. Hello, Emma. Hello, Emma. And my brother, Isaac. And you. They're out there. They have a new home, which is good.

Boring information. Anyway, there's a little bit of a background. Character colour. Yeah, just insult them, Paul. No, I'm not saying that. No, no, fucking insult my family. Alright. No, don't actually. Come on, you said you'd pissed in my mum's fanny. I apologised to Mrs. Cannon. Yeah, that was a shocker.

When she heard that, I hear she cried. Okay, I'm sorry. So, Emma has sent us some cheap eats before. She also sent me her number to give to you. Are you a mum? Yeah. I actually don't want to do a riff about that, Paul.

Sorry, but... No, go on. Okay, food. So, Emma, thank you very much. She did send two items through the mail. One of them, though, Paul, I have to admit to you now.

You've eaten it. I ate it. It was a short sausage flavoured with jalapeno. Was it nice? Really good. It was like nitrate free. So thank you very much

for that. That was great. But this is the main one because this is really much more... Did you take a long time to heat it? To heat it? No, to eat it. eat it no to eat it

I was breathing it came out funny eat it why is that a thing you'd even say though just because just because did you enjoy it

did you make the most of it I really liked it there was three of them and I thought that is a lovely dry peppery chilli sausage

okay cool so the other thing she sent us that she really wants us to get a reaction is this. What is this? I've got two of these, so we've got one each. Oh, one each.

It is called Rock-A-Letter, a better way to rock, and it feels like it's a lollipop. It's a lollipop. Now, what kind of lollipop is it? Is there an American word for lollipop? I think that's what they call them. Candypop?

I think they call them lollipops, though. Lollipop. Gum-scented lollipop? I think that's what they call them. Candypop? I think they call them lollipops. Lollipop. Gum centre lollipop. There you go. So like the Hubba Bubba? No. Is it Hubba Bubba? No.

Chupa Chups. Chupa Chups. Chupa Chups. Yes. We're both thinking. I know what we're both thinking as well. They like Chupa Chups, but this is a novelty sweet. Chupa Chups.

It's four chilli layers. Oh, it's chilli flavoured. It's a chilli flavoured lollipop, Paul. Are you ready for this? Yeah, let me look down my... There will be a photo available on the website of all of the cheap eats we have today, but it has

a little character. What is that character? It's like a little animated slightly demonic looking... It's like a lollipop with, like, demon wings? Yeah. Something? It looks like a flying... It's like a lollipop with demon wings. Yeah. Something. It looks like a flying... It's a very strange illustration on this.

It's like it's hell because it's got flames. It's like, oh, it's hot. It's hot in hell. Yes, and this is manufactured by a company called Sonorix. Sonorichis? Sounds like a company that makes pianos for Latin American bands. Now... Emma has tasted this herself.

Wait, wait. Hang on, I haven't got mine out. It's very sticky. Well, I think that's because it's been in transit. You know how the boiled sweets sort of get a bit... Oh, dear. Right. It's very...

I put the lollipop up to my mouth to talk. Can you smell it, anything? A little bit. Are you going to take a photo of this? Yeah, I'm going to have to take a picture. Take a photo of the lollipop. In situ. No, hold it up to your face.

Yeah, I want to... Here we take a picture in situ. No, hold it up to your face. Yeah, I want to. Here we go. Three, two, one. Oh, cheeky. Okay. You're going to look like death warmed up in that picture. This is a chilli flavoured lollipop. Shall we try it?

Well, yeah, we should try it. Let's try it. It's a rock-a-letter chilli. Here we go. It's very red, isn't it? Very, very red. Okay, I can report to you. It tastes like arse. It's very red, isn't it? Very, very red. Okay, I can report to you. It tastes like arse.

That's horrible. That is really bad. It's kind of salty. It's very salty. It's a little bit sweet and a lot salty. Are you getting any chilli? A little mild warm. It does actually taste like bum.

If someone gave this to you in a torturous situation and said, I've stuffed this up my arse, you'd believe them, wouldn't you? You'd believe it when you tasted that. Yeah, for the first lick. It's really peculiar. It's got a really kind of umami-ish. Is that the right word? Umami.

It is almost an umami. It's very savoury. There's something very savoury about it. With a little bit of sugar, that keeps it that lollipop. It's really not very nice tasting at all. How long do you think it's going to take? If you had to finish it

would it take you to finish it in your own time? It would take days right? It's really nasty. It's made your mouth really red as well. It tastes of arse.

I mean I don't know what arse tastes like. Good luck. I'm not biting into that. I've got in. Oh there's all sorts of shit going on inside. Oh you've broken it.

It's almost like it's easily broken. Oh you've dropped it. I'm eating it. It's dropped. It's on the floor. Oh, there's all sorts of shit going on inside. Oh, you've broken it. It's almost like it's easily broken. Oh, you've dropped it. I'm eating it. It's dropped. It's on the floor. Oh, it's horrible. Oh, I'm touching your sweaty bit.

There's a lot of sweet through inside. Oh, God. Oh, I touched your bit. There was a lot of sweet through inside. Oh. What, like a bubbly gum? Is that the bubble gum? Mm.

Right, so you're not happy with the gum. You're chewing. Is there gum in it? Yeah. Is that what it says? It says chewy gum some chewy gum

four chilly layers now you're chewing how rude um stop chewing into the microphone it's disgusting it's actually quite nice

the gum in the middle don't chew when you're talking who do you think you are Ewan McGregor at the Golden Globe but this is a bit where we taste food not the opening of the podcast where you're meant to be

fucking concentrating on being good rather than just eating a sandwich. So, I can tell you, Paul, that does improve. They've got a really arty... There's not a lot of heat, chilly heat to it. Once you get through the first layer or so, it's probably a lot better. I mean, did you bite into the rest of the show?

I just bite it, bite it in half. No, I just don't like it. It's horrible. It's not enjoyable. It's not like it's, oh, oh, so hot. Oh, scalding. No. It just tastes foul.

It just tastes bad, doesn't it? Mucky. So we will need a score for you for our first item. From Emma, from the States. It's almost a froth-shoppian issue. And I'd only have to give it maybe one froth. Yeah. One froth out of five.

But what would you say? I'll give it two. I did quite like it once I'd bitten into it and the chewing gum was quite nice in the middle. Yeah. But yeah, so it's sort of a novelty item. Not fun. Not nice. I can't imagine. Imagine sitting in the garden on a hot sunny day licking that.

Well, you'd want an iced version. Yeah, you'd have a nice round-trees fruit pastel lolly. They're lovely. Okay. They're my favourite fruit ice lolly. Are you ready for the next? They're really lovely. Dear listeners, in the post, send me a round-trees fruit pastel lolly, please.

And it will melt, but I'll freeze it back up and get it to my own. Are you ready for the next item, Paul? Yes. How many items are there? 25. This is... Oh. Say what you see, Paul. item, Paul? Yes. How many items are there? 25. This is... Say what you see, Paul. It's Bobby's.

It is a Bobby's Crisp product. Bobby's Curry Sauce Potato Snacks in that Latisse domed puff maize-y style. They're snacks brand, yes. Yes. They are potato snacks, as they say. Get saucy, it says. Because they are curry sauce flavoured. 39p. And if you'll notice as well up there, as they say. Get saucy, it says. Because they are curry sauce flavoured. 39p.

And if you'll notice as well up there, Paul, this is a limited edition Bobby's. So this is something special. I didn't notice that. Wow. This is not your usual snacks, which are burger flavoured, I believe. This is an experimental, a prototype. Do you reckon it's kind of like chip shop curry flavour? It must be.

It's Bobby's. That's a classic. It's a classic flavour. You can't go wrong. Curry sauce. So shall we dig in? Now, dare we, by the way, add this and start it off with our league of crisps? I don't think this should be.

Because it's a limited edition. Oh. It doesn't really fit into the pantheon, does it? Depends how long it hangs around for. We might still see it on shelves in a year. Let's just find out. They might make this a permanent fixture. It might be that popular.

It's probably in the prototype stage. Well, as a consumer... I'm opening them. I'm going for a sniff. I'm sniffing the bobbies. As a consumer, it's your choice to see if they keep making it or not, I guess. It smells exactly like Chip Shop Curry Chop.

All right, let's have a sniff. Oh, it does. I love Chip shop curry sauce. Dig in, Paul. We're now tasting. You know what we should do? Shake the bag first. Remember, we found out that the flavour was impaired when we gave it a jostle.

I'm giving the jostle. If the 50th ever should have taught us anything, it's that. Jostle the crisp before you eat. Give them a good jostle. All the flavouring has been intermingled amongst the snack lattices. It's a trellis-shaped round crisp. And I'm about to taste it right now. I like that.

That is good, isn't it? That is nice. The soft kind of crisp makes it really... That is a really nice snack. Because the kind of soft nature of the crisp itself means the flavour melts on your mouth. It's a tender. It's a tender potato snack.

And it's nice and light because it's got an airy... It's aerated, isn't it? It's almost like a skip, almost. It's like a lovely curry... But there's more substance to it. I'm really impressed with the crisp. And it's a rice curry flavour. Because sometimes you think it's going to be weak, but actually...

The curry flavour isn't too strong and overwhelmingly sort of artificial. And it isn't too weak and ineffectual. It's mild, but it's not weak, and it's not strong, but it's flavourful. It's really good, isn't it? Bobbies just go from strength to strength. For a packet of crisps, it costs 39p. That's a good snack. That is really nice.

I mean, obviously, if you don't like the flavour, it's not a good snack. That's just nice, though. You keep knocking it on the microphone, it's making it crumbling. Okay, so I need a score. You can finish those off later. I am. We need a score for... Right, put it out of the way.

For the Bobby's Limited Edition Curry Sauce Potato Snacks. Well, I never thought I'd see the day, but I'm going to give that five. Mate, that is a very, very strong snack. Oh, that's really nice. Okay. Really flavourful. You know what? We like to get the best out of cheap things.

That's a great example of something that is really cheap. Fantastic value again from Bobby's. So you can get two packs of those for under a quid as well. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I think they do a deal where you get three packs for a quid. Oh, that's great. You'd get two of those and maybe, what, the Onion Rings one. Wow, you're set

up. You're in crisp heaven. It's the cheap show top tip. Go Bobbies. I hope that sticks around, because that'll be high on the ranking, I reckon, on our own list. Well, we'll definitely have to encourage the Bobbies products into the league once we've sorted that out, Paul, okay?

Now, just on a sub point, when I did purchase those, it's that interesting crisp shop where I bought the baby's dummy from the previous episode. Right. They do three packets of Wheat Crispies,

Wheat Crunchies, bacon flavour, for a quid. Dirty, dirty bastards. How good is that? Dirty bastards. Those are a good crisp. Oh, that's a good crisp.

That's a good crisp. When I ever see that ranked like on the fourth or fifth tier. They put it on the bottom row or something. I actually get angry. Those fucking nomads. They fucking know nothing.

They know nothing about crisps. Do you think they do that? Do you think they've even eaten crisps? Yeah. Posh wankers. They're in there fucking getting quails eggs and jelly all dribbled on their nipples

from fucking two years old, aren't they? That didn't come out right. I was going to say, they don't know crisps. They don't know. I was going to say maybe they're agitating. They're doing this on purpose to encourage debate.

What? To encourage us to argue it out. Right. And then they get talk. It all goes back to them. We're not going to mention their name. Where this list came from. That made us so angry. I think we mentioned it on a previous episode. Yeah, we probably did. But that's for them to discover.

You need some sleep, mate. I don't need some sleep. You're going all cross-eyed. Oh. That's what made me say that. Right. Okay. Now, Paul, we have a few more items. That was very good. Very good. Five. Hard to think that that's going to be... What did you say? I'm going to give it five. I actually thought that was a delicious thing.

I could eat loads of those easily. Wow. Very good, Bob. I just would like to applaud them. Yeah, okay. So, Paul, you have a choice now. We can stick with the savoury. Oh, yeah.

Or we can go sweet. Let's go sweet then savoury. Okay. Because I'm hoping. I like the umami-ish taste of my mouth. It's a very important thing, I think. We're going sweet. Really keeping my mouth safe.

Here it is, Paul. Here's the next item on CP. Going a bit Welsh. Nah. Ooh. Ooh. Mm. Ooh.

Yes. Ah. Vimto Fizzy Rip Roll. So. And to describe this to us. Vimto is a fruit drink well known in the UK. And incredibly popular in the United Arab Emirates. Is it?

Yes. That's interesting. They import it. It says, judging by this, it's raspberries, grapes and apple flavoured drinks. So just general fruit. It's a general fruit drink. It's not artificially. It's a purple.

It's a purple drink. It's got a very distinct sort of... It's kind of like the kind of home brand Ribena. Because Ribena's like the daddies, you know? Well, I'd say it's like Ribena with a chub on. It's, yeah. It's Ribena. It's not as good as Ribena, though.

It's more artificially. Yeah. It's much more crude and artificially than... But people who may have listened to this podcast since its inception may remember when we did the Rob Deb Sucks Sour Candy episode

episode two or three I quite like that episode actually I listen back to it and it's got some lovely zingers in it and ashes in it as well do you stroke yourself

while you're listening to it and think I am Paul I am Paul is that what you do? No.

I have downy hair all over me. And I am Paul. Oh, there's a bit of crusted something in my hair. You fucking idiot. Well. Right, okay, so. I'm just trying to fucking pick this shit up. By what?

Talking like a madman and doing sing-song bloody creepy lullabies. Right, so it's a vimpto. It's a vimpto flavoured fizzy, which means it's probably got that kind of weak fizzy sherbet on it. It doesn't say sour. No. Well, that's what I was going to say. See, I'm getting it back on track. Thank you. We had the vimpto

super sour and we thought, put it vimpto. For sure. How could it be anywhere near the realm of sour? And yet, the most sour thing I've ever put in my... It was inedibly sour. I couldn't have it in my mouth for too long. I had to spit it out and then try again. But once it was all gone, nice crunchy Vimto sweet.

Well, it was sour beyond belief. Very sour. It made those Warheads and other similar sour brands pale in comparison. Shall we open it? This is a Vimto product and it is a heads and other similar sour brands pale in comparison pale in comparison now let's uh should we open it this is a vimto product and it is a i think what in some some countries is called a uh candy shoelace or something like that is that the the basic design it's a it's a rolled up long thin oh it's almost like a a fruit loop or something like that as well, isn't it? That's cereal, you prick.

This is like... A fruit fold-over or something. It's two-dimensional. It certainly smells like Vimto. It's got a kind of cream soda kind of smell to it. You're right. It has got a creamy kind of flavour to it. Very cream soda-y. It's pleasant.

It's fruity in a pleasant way. I'm going in. Mmm. I like that. It's a bit sher a pleasant way. I'm going in. Mmm. I like that. It's a bit sherberty. I really like that. It tastes of Vimta. It does taste very Vimta.

I mean, that's what Vimta have been doing. It's got a bit of a fizz. There's also all the range of candies that they make. It's got a bit of a fizz. I think it's really nice. A fruit roll-up is what you're thinking of. A fruit roll-up, yeah. It's very much like that.

A bit like a fruit roll-up. And what was that then? That was 50p. Oh, that's all right. That's a nice sweet. A 50p, that's all right, that. I have no problems. I really like that.

Yeah, good. I have to say. Good. Kids would like that, I think, as well. I would give that. A 3.5. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, 3.5. 3.5. Solid. That's a good item, that a 3.5. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, 3.5.

3.5. I'm glad we were... That's a good item, that. Solid. We started with the worst, but I mean, to be fair to Emma, she did text me and say... These are shit. ...that these Roc-A-Letters taste like...

Arse. They do. They do. The first thought I had was, I'm eating arse. I hope that gets sampled. I'm eating arse. Are you ready gets sampled. I'm eating arse. Are you ready for the next item on Cheap Eats today, Paul? Yes, I am ready for the final item.

It's not the final item. Oh! Then bring it on. Pork floss. Oh, yeah. Oh, so it's like candy floss, but it's pork. That's right. But it's actually made from, like, what?

Pork. Pork. So how do they get it to be like this? They shred it in some kind of industrial process. Now, this is pork floss. It's got a little chef, a little boy chef, with a shirt that says Advance on it, and a chef's hat, and he's giving you the thumbs up.

And I think he's assuring us that this is top-notch. A quality item. Top-notch pork floss here. Now, and the packet, it's a little sachet, us that this is top-notch. A quality item. Top-notch pork floss here. And the packet, it's a little sachet, and the packet actually depicts what you're going to get inside. And it's a bunch of pork floss.

And you know what that reminds me of? That photo, Paul. What? It looks like... Stop eating! You are... You really are being very cheeky. You're right, that was bad. That was actually... I've been a naughty boy. You're having some. No, put it down. I'm putting it away.

We need to photograph that. Yeah, that's true. This isn't about you stuffing your fucking face. All right. Control. Discipline. Let's get onto the packet. Spankies.

I want to eat this. I want to eat this, so let's carry on. Pork floss, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Which is the item we're on now. Now, is it a snack, like you'd have have crisps or do you use it in a recipe? I think you could probably cover both of those bases, Paul. Right.

Maybe noodle it? You could definitely put some floss in the noodle. In fact, I think one of the people who've contacted me about noodles on Twitter did mention- Very lonely. Did mention flossing, as it were, their noodle with a bit of pork floss. So that wasn't a fucking euphemism for- It's a euphemism for spanking in a bowl.

Yes, Paul. You're absolutely right. Hooray. Okay. So what I wanted to mention was about the photo, which I find quite intriguing on the cover of the... Oh, God. Get on with it.

Come on. Seriously. That's just eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. Come on. The cover of the packet. Now, it looks like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre when the girl first goes into the house

she falls over in the sort of slaughter room which is the floor is all covered with feathers and bits of animal doesn't that look like that Paul?

yeah it looks like an abattoir's floor it looks like an abattoir's floor and they must have realised that because they've tried it looks like a bunch of hair like nasty hair matted with blood

like you pull out of a sewer. Do you know what I mean? It does, doesn't it? It doesn't look pleasant. Look what they've tried to do. They've tried to sort of divert away from that by adding Photoshop twinkly sparkle bits. That's quite clever, though, because it makes it look sparkly. It's all magical.

Sparkly abattoir floor. Oh, right. Well, let's crack this open. Mate, you really are. You're out of control. You've let your fucking primal urges fucking overtake you. I'm just wanting to get through this segment without all your fucking words. What else have we got in this fucking show that's going to be so much better than my two beats?

There's not going to be anything. It's going to be us reading some utterly depressing fucking story from a shit mag. Again. Right? So I'm gonna save I like to gab anti-climaxes anti-climaxes right you ready

for the pork floss you're meant to look at the you know what we used to do you used to look at the packets and make comments and stuff we have done you're not doing anything

we mentioned the sparkles fuck me you're not doing anything today no we mentioned the sparkles I mentioned the sparkles and I I'm leading this. Right.

I'm opening it. You happy? Yes. That's a fucking pork floss. It's got a resealable pack, so I don't think it's designed to be

eaten all in one go. Oh, you wouldn't want to anyway. I mean, there must be a limit on the... I'm going to go... It doesn't look good, Paul.

I'm going to say that now. What does it look like? It looks worse than on the cover of that... to go... It doesn't look good, Paul. I'm going to say that now. What does it look like? It looks worse than on the cover. There's no sparkly bits. Believe me. I'm going to have a little sniff.

Have a sniff. Also, not very... Let's have a sniff. It smells like off peanuts. Oh, it does. It smells very... Like stale peanuts, yeah?

Are you ready? Yeah, I'll try a bit then. It looks like just like crumbly sawdust almost. Yeah, it does. Oh, and it feels like sawdust. What do you think of that, Paul? It tastes like sawdust.

Really? It tastes like a bacon-y kind of... Bacon powder. Floss. There's a floss-y to it. Bacon powder. It's very... Yeah.

I'm going in. It's got this weird kind of... Now, I'm just going to go out and say this, Paul. It's very, yeah. I'm going in. It's got this weird, it's got this weird kind of... Now, I'm just going to go out and say this, Paul. Yeah? That's unpleasant. Yeah.

That is not... It has candy floss elements, but like it's too dense. It's got a lot of sugar in it. You know what I mean? It's got a lot of sugar in it, doesn't it? Yeah, it's very sweet.

God, that's really bad. He says having another fucking mouthful. You just need to do it for the listeners. Piggy wiggy silverman having the listeners. Biggie Wiggy Silverman having the pork. Biggie Wiggy Silverman. Yeah, that's really,

really awful. Doesn't like to talk. It's got a sort of porky flavour. Let's have a little another taste, because I think you had a bigger bit than me. I only had a little snivel. I don't know. It's a thing. It's kind of got a meat, once it all condenses in your mouth, it is like pork, sort of. I don't like the texture too much. No, I mean, it is like pork, sort of.

I don't like the texture too much. No, I mean, all it is is texture, isn't it? That is a very strange product. Yeah. Maybe it would work with noodles? It could add it, because it would all sort of dissolve, and it would add a sort of umami-ish sort of, you can imagine, maybe. Well, I mean, it's ready to eat.

I don't know, are there any suggestions as to what you're actually meant to do with it? No, you just stick it in your gob. In your gob. Of the UK. Oh! So, I bought this in Chinatown, in a Chinese grocer's. Must just make it in Alston Sticker Chinese label. This is happening with a lot of products.

They're actually deciding to manufacture them closer to home in Europe. For example, the Kewpie Japanese-style mayonnaise that I bought, which is very nice. Have you had that Japanese-style mayonnaise? No. You've never had that? No.

Do you know how to talk? Can you say words longer than no? I want the Bobby snacks. Just stop looking at the Bobby snacks. Paul's hungry. Irritable and hungry. And also a cunt. So.

Wow. What? What do you mean wow? You did the C word for no reason. For no reason? Yeah. It's cheap show. We have to say cunt all the time.

No, we don't. In fact, we should probably say much less. I have to say cunt. Why? Because I like it. So I'm going to give that one out of five. I'll give it 1.5. Oh, what was the 1.5 granted?

What's the 0.5 for? Because you'll get drunk and you'll come home and you'll look at that and go, I'll probably end up, yeah. And you'll scoff it. It'll be all over your belly. All over your chest. I'll be rubbing it in. Yeah.

And all over your hands will be sticky. How perceptive of you, Paul. How very perceptive. He knows. He knows. He knows. Even though I say 1.5, he knows. He knows. I'll put it in my navel and get a gerbil.

He knows. Go on, carry on. Watch your next food. Yeah, you've got no riff. You've got no riff today. That wasn't riff worthy. Oh, ah, ah. I see.

So a bad workman blames his tools. Yeah, your massive tool. Boom, boom. You're impersonating a puppet from the 80s. Well, quite. Come on. Right. Is that it?

I was going to reward you, Paul, with something you really liked at the end here, but I really don't feel like you've deserved it. Oh, I've been good, Mr. Silverman. You have been good. You've been very disrespectful. I promise I'll be good, Mr. Silverman. All right, Paul. You've been very disrespectful. I promise I'll be good, Mr. Silverman. All right, Paul. If I'm a good boy for the rest of the episode, I promise.

You can have your special treat. I promise. Thank you. Now, Paul, this is very nice. Okay. I am excited, listener. Oh, what the buggery tarnation is this? It's Oreo in a foreign language.

Is it Japanese? There's a strawberry a foreign language. Is it Japanese? There's a strawberry Oreo, strawberry wafer, chocolate wafer. So like, you know, like Pink Panther wafers? Like them, but I imagine with an Oreo twist. That's right.

That's very exciting. Now, Paul, I was trying to cheer you up. Six. I remember mentioning the Oreo Fruits of the Forest flavour that I noticed. Oh, you did? And I tried to get those.

But they no have. They didn't have them anymore, but they have this. So, I'm going to flavour. Oh, you did? That I noticed. And I tried to get those. But they no have. They didn't have them anymore. But they have this. So, I'm going to try... Now, you are, I think you'll admit, a big fan of the Oreo. I am violently passionate. As you found out. Yes.

You got very protective of your golden Oreos one time at Latitude Festival. And if I ever catch you doing that again, I'll break your fingers. And you also tried to get off with me. No, I didn't. When you with me. No, I didn't. When you were pissed. No, I didn't. You kind of did. That's ridiculous.

You kind of did. Don't. You kind of did. I didn't. You sort of did. That's very on the edge. You all kind of tried. I don't think that's appropriate.

Oh, that's not appropriate? I don't think that's appropriate. Just describe the fucking wafers. So, they're long wafer biscuits, like you'd expect in a Pink Panther. Or, what's the other one? They're just pink wafers, aren't they? That's all they're called. I'm not a big wafer expert. I'm not really a wafer biscuits, like you'd expect in a Pink Panther. Or what's the other one? They're just pink wafers, aren't they? I'm not a big wafer expert. I'm not really a wafer expert. Now, this is a box of six, and they

come in their individual packets. So you could put these in your kiddies' lunch. I think that's the sort of thing, isn't it? You could give them for their packed lunch. I think so. It's like, ooh, middle of a drifter. Ooh, I love a drifter. It is like the middle of a drifter. I love the middle of a drifter. Again, there will be photos of all of the items. There will be.

So we're opening the packets now. It's got a lovely artificial strawberry flavour. Like ice cream. Smell coming out. Very ice creamy strawberry smell. I like. Do you like that? Let's have a little nibble.

Tuck in, Paul. Tuck in. Oh, shit. What do you think, really? It kind of tastes like one of those wafer things. Would that be nice with a glass of milk? Yeah, it would be. Or maybe a coffee.

You know what you can do with these? You can actually suck up through them. Here's the thing, though. The strawberry flavour is, I think, quite overpowering. So the brown biscuit, the Oreo part, you'd argue, is lost in this. It is. It becomes a little bit generic in terms of the flavour. But it's nice.

I say I'm going to keep going back, and I'm going to try and find those generic in terms of the flavor but it's nice i say i'm gonna keep going back and i'm gonna try and find those fruits of the forest flavor oreos because i really would like to personally taste those but these yeah kind of middle of the road a good enough snack yeah i like him i say cup of tea glass of milk lovely In a kiddies lunchbox. So what would you give those? The Oreo strawberry cream wafer biscuit. My heart says two, but I feel that's harsh. So I think I'll

say three. Okay, I'll go for three. Oh, we have been in unison across the board, haven't we? We often are. Now, Paul, I'd like you just to tell me, in a little recap, what your favourite item and your least favourite item today was from the cheap eat section.

Well, I honestly think the Bobby's curry sauce snacks. It was just... What a knockout. What a star. An absolute victory from them. They are running the snack game hard. Here's the thing, isn't it? You can make things complicated and go, oh, isn't that clever?

Or you can keep it really simple. And that's what they've done. The flavour wizards at Bobby's. I mean, I was very impressed with the curry flavour. It's not something that's done easily in a crisp. And they've really encapsulated the chip shot curry taste, haven't they? But it really is like that. That's comforting.

Chip shot curry. The form of the crisp itself helps sell the flavour. So it's form and function serving function. Form, serving function. Flavour, function serving flavour, serving form. Excellent. I agree with all the words you just said. I totally agree. That is, I mean,

in a strong line-up, I have to say that really stands out. And I say my second favourite would have to be the Vimto Fizzy Whip Roll. Fucking good. And then the Oreo Biscuits. And I say my second favourite would have to be the Vimto Fizzy Rip Roll. Yeah. Fucking good. And then the Oreo Biscuits. And then the Pork Floss.

And then the Floss. And then at the very bottom. The Rocketta. The Rock. What we started with, the chewing gum filled, chilli novelty lollipop thing, which was pretty bad. Not good.

As a joke, not funny. As a joke, not funny. As a candy, not enjoyable. Doesn't even work as a joke, sort of, oh that's really hot. Because it's not very hot. Not worth getting to the chewing gum in the middle. It's just not worth anything. No. There you go. But someone said yes to it and someone made a tidy profit probably. Someone made it. Until

they realised the errors of their life. They couldn't pay back their mortgage and one lonely Sunday night he put a barrel of a gun in his mouth. Oh, we're doing suicide now again, are we? They realised the errors of their life. They couldn't pay back their mortgage and one lonely Sunday night, he puts a barrel of a gun in his mouth. Oh, we're doing suicide now again. Good. Good, Paul. Yeah.

Good thought. Good process. And he misses and then he thinks about things and changes his life around. And does he impregnate someone? No. By mistake? No.

Have you heard that? No. The gun, the shotgun goes through his ballsack. Oh, is this one of these? I've heard of that rumour. Myth gun, the shotgun goes through his ballsack. I've heard of that rumour. Mythbusters tested that and found it impossible. Why? Because it's just the amount of things that have to go right

for that to happen are almost impossible to do. Well, I can dream. What? You want to dream to be shot in the balls and impregnate a lady who's also... That's my sexual fantasy. Oh, you are dirty, dirty...

Impregnating a woman by having my bollock shot into her womb. That's disgusting. That's horrible. That is actively the worst thing I think you've said on the show. Oh, come on, Paul, you've really got nothing. You've got nothing tonight. No more episodes this late at night. I'm just sailing this ship.

You really are losing. No, I'm not. You know what's happening with you? No, if you're convincing yourself of this so you can get away with your own lacklustre behaviour. Yeah. You just did it now. You started something,

and about halfway through, this look came over your eyes, like, I can't be bothered to keep speaking. No, it's like, I look at you, and I think, ugh. Cheap eats, ladies and gentlemen. Cheap eats. I'm going to have those crisps.

Right. Oh, my God. For fuck's sake. Right, I'll introduce this bit. Now, ladies and gentlemen, thanks for listening so far. And to finish this episode, it's Paul's dismal looking at a magazine section that we all love so much. It's got some killing in it. I mean, here are the stories we're not going to talk about

in the recent issue of Pick Me Up magazine, 69p, that we didn't in the previous episode. Probably shouldn't do in this episode, but we'll see. I lost half of my head going to the loo. Now that is overstraining. I don't think that's what happened. I don't think she just took an overly sized poo. She really pushed and then half her head fell out.

I think what happened is something fell on her head. No. I actually know the story. Tell me. She just had a massive kind of internal tumour which was bleeding through her eyes and nose and she was in a coma for ages. Paul, please.

And then she lost some of her brain and her head caved in like you can see on the front. But now she's got it put back together. Oh, Paul. So that's what you want to read for 69p as your lunch break. Oh, pick me up. That's a lovely story. I mean, it's a story of, you know, bravery

and perseverance. God, that's really brought me down, actually. School kids killed my aunt and put it up on Snapchat. Oh, that's happy as well. Snapchat. So, you know, ooh, pick me up. That's a pick me up.

Is this woman a victim of domestic abuse? Yeah, she is. I could run, but I couldn't hide. Yeah, and then you've got a man dressed as, a dog dressed as Batman next to it. Well, that's really picked me up. So, you know, balance. What else have we got, Paul?

I love this section. Honestly, this section's really good. Orgy of violence. Scammers took my money away. You know, upbeat stuff. She died living her dreams. You know, give me a shout if one of these stories Gives you a lift

None of it's lifting me, Paul Did you have some actual content to do? I mean, I did End hair affair Surgery in the womb How do you feel about that? Paul No, but the story we're going to settle on today

And the one I wanted to do Because you know what's popular in podcast land? What? True fucking crime podcasts Oh, we're going to do because you know what's popular in podcast land? What? True fucking crime podcasts. Oh, we're going to do a seven part series about a serial killer you've never heard of who might be innocent but he probably isn't. So we're going to do all this research and

develop it as it goes and the whole world's going to listen to a podcast for the first time ever because they want to know the next gory detail. You're a bit bitter, aren't you? You're very bitter. Very, very bitter man. You're very bitter. Now Paul, I'll tell you the reason why we haven't done true crime on the podcast before. Yeah. Because the whole podcast is a true crime unfolding.

It's your abuse of me, including recently your physical abuse of me, Paul. How dare you? I haven't. You fucking... Are you denying it? Yeah. Are you denying that you touched me? I'm not denying it.

Whilst we're doing an audio thing, there's no need. There's no one to perform to. Who are you performing to who you're performing to when you touch me paul i'm living it when you stroked my hair well that was because i cared and you were giving me the come on just read the thing right so true crime is very popular podcast and you know murder and serial killers and all those lovely things certainly is i've been waiting for an excuse to do one and so i saw oh, oh, look, it's in a 69p thing. So let's use the hard work of another journalist

who wrote it for their magazine and got paid away. And let's turn it into a segment for us to sneer at. And make light of people who died. And their families. Well done, Paul. I think you've really thought this through, this whole segment. So basically, you just wanted to tell me how someone had a tumour and it shut her brain out.

Someone died. Probably a kid. Four-year-old. Fuck's sake. I mean, look. Is this a story? Why are you looking elsewhere? Lily's wish list that I don't know.

She's going to die. I know. Can you just read the story if that's what you're going to do? Look at that woman there holding a check for £1,000. She looks like you've bothered her just doing it. Yeah, it looks like she's sort of had an unpleasant bowel movement and she's hoping no one will go into the loo behind her. Give it five more minutes.

I don't know what accent that was. No one knows what accent that was. Anyway, the article is called The Child Catcher. Making of a monster. But apparently this has got something to do with aliens. Ah. So therefore, it's got a bit of the occult. True crime.

And the aliens aren't occult. That would be... There are occults for aliens, though. There would be occult aliens, wouldn't it? Such as the devils of Venus. So, shall we begin? And let's see where we go with this. There was always something strange about Peter Woodcock.

Who are you going to call? Ghostbusters. Yeah, there was always something strange about Peter Woodcock. Who are you going to call? Ghostbusters. Such a douche. You are, and you really are. Go on.

I think you've got above your station, Paul. What station's that? The station of being a douche. Then therefore you would argue I'm doing very well. Paul, so Woodcock could cock wood. No, Peter Woodcock was born out of wedlock to a teen mum in March. Is that your standard? Is that your standard for the rest of this article?

Just fucking read it. You're just making sounds sounding like the words you've just heard. Cock. Cock. In March 1939, we haven't even got to the end

of the first sentence yet. I know, because you can't read. I'm reading perfectly well. Shut your face. She was able to keep him so it was put up for adoption, but Peter was strange from the day he was born.

What do you think that means? He says it here. I was going to say, what is it? And then I should just read the article. Yeah, stop looking at me. He barely ate, barely slept

and spent most of the day crying hysterically. Any child at that age has similar behaviour, I think. Did he? I did. Did he display? And I wonder,

have you displayed these? You're going to mention the McDonald triad? Yeah, the McDonald triad. Yeah. I know. Did you display? And I wonder if you displayed these. You're going to mention the McDonald's. What's known as the triad. Yeah, the McDonald's triad. McDonald's triad. Yeah. I know. Did you display it?

I never wet the bed. But you were an arsonist and killed small animals. I liked fire. So did I, actually. That was the one that I was on. Oh, yeah, we're fire mates. Yeah. Yeah.

No, weird touching. Anyway, we just fist bump people. Yeah. This is as close as we've been in the whole last two episodes it's coming together this romance but you did

you got in big trouble once for setting off a lot of little fires and burning holes in the packets of rice and stuff yeah

and old people's houses it was more like old people's houses for you was it no it was maybe like a bundle of yeah

I was fascinated with fire it never went too far squirty petrol. Yeah. Like lighter fluid. And make little patterns and burn it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. So, that's the only one, though. No, I wasn't interested in torturing animals, luckily. For people who don't know, what is the McDonald triad? It's that.

We just said it, didn't we? Burning things. Yes, but what does it relate to? Being a serial killer. So, there's three behavioural traits. Which has been largely ignored, though, now. Isn't they say that's not... No, it's been discredited, has it?

Or they say it's much more complicated than that. Of course it is. Because you could have any of the two and still not be a serial killer. Of course it is. But it is remarkable how many of the serial killers that people... That have been brought to justice... ...have this triad of behaviours in their youth, which is... But also...

...torturing small animals wetting the bed and setting fire to things and also usually having awful family and also on the last podcast on the left which is a great podcast people should listen to they seem to notice that everyone they've mentioned in their big hitters see or kill a series all had massive

head injuries at a very early age that's strange isn't it because it's not how many have that. Well, it's like the thing with lead. I had a massive head injury on my head when I was younger.

Did you? I fell across a room and hit my head on the corner of a radiator. But you're not like, you're not into killing people, I've noticed. He's giving me a scary look

now, everybody. Chippity-chop. Chippity-chop. Okay. Choppity-chip. Choppity-chip. Yeah, all right. So, should we get on

with this story? Because we're two sentences in. Well, it's very bad. Anyway. So he barely ate, barely slept. It was hardly surprising that nobody wanted to adopt him. Oh. Oh, he was an orphan.

Yeah. Who's... He moved around foster homes, suffering abuse along the way, until he was in the care of Susan and Frank Maynard in Toronto, Canada. There we go. So, the end. What a lovely story. There are a lot of serial killers from Canada, aren't there, as well? Yes.

Because we think Canada's lovely. But actually, they're reprobates. It's a seething cesspit of human degradation and wreckage. And masters. Life is worth nothing they're shocking and some of them speak french so as he grew older the wealthy couple tried everything they could to give him the best possible life and cure him of the pain he'd suffered as a child which is fair enough they probably thought we can't deal with this would you like a car we can't

deal with this would you like a lollipop we can't deal with this here's some toy to play with if they gave him a rock a letter no wonder he's so angry yeah no wonder he killed back paul yeah i know section yeah yeah nicely done i think a five out of ten so and they splash cash on private school and therapy as well as toys and treats so we were pretty much on the ball there. If you were going to have a hissy fit to demand treats, what would you go, I want a new four. What would you do? I used to insist on having a hot water bottle at bedtime.

Eli wants a hotty-botty, mother. Basically, yes. Eli shan't sleep without a hotty-botty, mother. That's exactly what I sounded like. Eli shan't shit the bed, mother. Oh, here we go. I get my bum out. Oh, you fucking hack lines. Right. Why, they're my

hack lines. Yeah, they are. I've got t-shirts. Fucking hell, this story's going on forever. It's because you keep interrupting. I'm not interrupting. But it seemed Peter was hell-bent on causing trouble. Once, when taken on a day out to a museum, Peter announced, I wish a bomb would fall on this exhibition

and kill all the children. What a cheery kid. It's a cheery man. He's a cheery, cheery child. A Predator is the title for the next section. As he reached his teenage years, Peter's behaviour turned from odd to dangerous and predatory.

I don't know why I'm doing it in this voice. It doesn't seem apt. Known in the neighbourhood as a loner, Peter would ride around on the streets on his bike looking for younger children. He would cat... Skip that bit. Unless you want to make fun of molestation. I just don't think the section's working at all, Paul. I have to say.

Do you have to say? I have to say. I'm just saying it's an interesting story. Where is the human? The minute you can come up, well. My cock looks like a grain of rice. Okie dokie. So anyway, he did a lot of naughty things to

kids. And in September 1956 when Peter was 17, his bloodlust emerged. His first victim was a boy. Yeah, that was sad. Why did you think this would be good? I think we should go into the nitty gritty. It's a dark tale.

In Pick Me Up magazine. A nice, cheery read magazine. You love it. Come on, Eli. I don't love it. I think this is a weak way to... He kidnapped another boy and then he died. Police couldn't find him, so Woodcock plans a next attack.

Then he chose a girl. Where do the aliens come in? I'm looking for the aliens. He did other bad things. And then he confessed because someone drew a picture of him on a bike. There he is on his bike.

Ah. Yeah. It's a strange sketch, isn't it? It's a very strange sketch. Was he quite young when he was killing yeah yeah

very young I think in like his 20s and then they put him in jail so instead of being sent to a jail cell he went to a

maximum security mental hospital in Ontario so you know that will teach him for being naughty and the aliens getting there

it was it was there that he took part in a controversial experiment involving living in a tiny soundproof windowless room and given copious amounts of LSD. How do you think you'd fare if someone went, Eli, do a little thing for us.

It's a bit off the book. But we're going to put you in a soundproof, windless, maybe bright white room. And then give you a lot of LSD. Your reply is? Can I have some marijuana as well? What for coming down? Perhaps some cocktails. Yeah, just make a little bar.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you reckon that would be too much for you? I've never done LSD. And I imagine you have quite a bit. Not in recent years, Paul, but as I mentioned on the last episode I have taken LSD before

and it's quite powerful and can be quite a scary chemical. What's the scariest thing you've ever experienced on LSD? Probably when I went into a screaming anxiety hell freak out

for about three minutes. Wow. And had to pull myself back. You're on your own? No. What, just the people in the vicarage looking around you as the cricket match is ruined for the day? You know, what happens with LSD if you do go on a bad run, is you just sort of spiral panic.

It's like panic spiral. Do you know what I mean? You're making it worse by thinking about it. It's just pure fear, yeah. See, that's why I don't think I ever want to take LSD. But I managed to get out of it and it was okay. And the other thing about LSD is you can distract yourself to something else. You're always flitting around.

It moves. So you will hallucinate maybe that something is an elephant, but then it will change into a flower. Do you know what I mean? So it's not ever like there's a witch in the room and she's real and there's the water on her nose and I can see that. It's not that kind of drug. It's not like Flatline is the movie. No, it's not like Flatline is the movie.

Did you watch the remake? No, I have no intention of. Do you have an intention of watching any other films? Never. So anyway, that's what happens to him. The treatment was designed to persuade psychopaths to bare their innermost feelings. Yes, but now what they'd say these days is the point of being a psychopath is literally there's nothing inside. No.

There are no feelings. They can replicate them. Yeah. They understand them, but they don't feel them. Anyway, by the 1970s, the program was deemed a failure and scrapped. No shit. It's like, oh, we've got all these mentals running around. I we got a psychopath who i've been dosing out with acid for five years in a room and for some reason he's he's he seems more volatile and psychopathic now i don't know

what we've done i don't know what have we done what have we done we need to check our notes put him in a room give him lsd yeah go for six hours yeah i don't understand i don't understand do it for five more years ask Ask him if he's crazy. Yeah. Where do the aliens come in? Hang on. Let's think. He's just been given

copious amounts of LSD for years and years. Do you think that had an effect in some part on his brain? Yes. He probably hallucinated communication with aliens of some sort.

Yes. Well, we'll see. Yeah. Over the next decade, Woodcock changed his name. He changed it to Michael Kruger. Imagine if it had been Freddy. Hmm. Imagine.

Wes Craven, is he from the States or from Canada? He's American. Oh, I don't know. No, I think he's American. He is American. I think he's American. And had various sexual relationships with other inmates. Ooh.

Well, that's okay. I mean, whatever works. Whatever works for you. Whatever works. It was his first taste of freedom in more than 30... Oh, I've skipped a paragraph. It got let out. Yeah, so then in July 1991, he was granted a day pass to leave the medium security institution he was at.

It was his first taste of freedom in more than 30 years. Okay, he's out. Yes. After having years of LSD and having quite the time doing it. To ensure he didn't get into trouble, he was partnered up with Bruce Hamill, a former inmate and lover of Woodcocks who turned his life around to become a security guard. That's quite the turnaround. One day you're in prison,

and the next minute you stop them from getting out. No, that would be a prison warden. He's a security guard, so he probably guards warehouses at night or something like that, Paul. Sorry to correct you. No, no, it's kind of scary though, isn't it? To know that the guy who's...

No. Don't you think, though? If you worked in a building and you were there late nights, let's be honest, you found out that the guy who worked security downstairs and let people out, you had been in a hospital for the psychopathic... I would definitely find that unsettling, yes.

And then one night, you're going into your car and the light flickers and he was in the booth one minute and the light comes back on and he's not there. And you think, think huh and then you hear who's a very special boy who's my fat baby boy he's a fat boy from streatham yeah that still creeps me out. Pulse of fat boy. He's a very special boy. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. Gobble, wiggle.

Wiggle toes. Anyway. Their plan was to go for ice cream in a nearby cafe, which is nice. First thing you get out, Peter Woodcock, well, his new name, whatever it is, David Michael Kruger and Bruce Hamill went they got out of prison they go get some ice cream

get some ice cream what directly after getting out of prison straight out let's go get some ice cream why not you'd probably go and buy some bobbies

wouldn't you probably get some nice kuiwans if they're still not limited edition oh don't even get me started shut up

but instead Woodcock persuaded Hamill to help ambush and murder another inmate Dennis Ker, who had previously rejected his sexual advances. What an either-or situation. Right, we've got two options, mate. We can go for ice cream, or we could kill that guy who refused your sexual advances.

What do you want to do? Ice cream or murder? Ice cream or murder? Ice cream or murder? Well, or murder? Ice cream or murder? Come on. Well, is the murder someone who refused to fuck you? Yes. Well, then I think we're going to have to do that. What, murder?

Yeah. You sure? Because ice cream... There's nothing I like better than helping someone kill someone who refused to fuck them. You sure? Who I fucked. Because ice cream's really nice.

It's metropolitan with Nutella swirls. Metropolitan? Metropolitan. Neapols. Metropolitan? Metropolitan. Neapolitan. Oh, get lost. It's a Ganon. Oh, what's a... Shut up.

It's a Ganon. It was a little Ganon. What flavour ice cream's that? Multiculturally flavoured. Does it taste of fucking car exhaust? No. You knew what I was getting at and I was trying... It was funny.

You said Metropolitan twice. Anyway, Woodcock wanted revenge. I could chuck Woodchuck. So, within hours of being free, despite being partially deaf and blind, didn't mention that until just now. That's new information. Kill him.

How did he ride a bike if he was deaf and fucking blind? That was before he was... I mean, he had glasses on in that picture. This is really just giving me a bad feeling, this whole thing, Paul. fucking blind. But that was before he was... I mean, he had glasses on in that picture. And that's a good... So... This is really just giving me a bad feeling, this whole thing, Paul. Anyway,

despite being partially deaf and blind, Woodcock had killed again. See? You can't break habits. Old habits die hard, as they say. You know?

Yeah. Bizarrely, Woodcock had convinced Hamill that an alien brotherhood would solve all of his problems if he helped with the crime. I see. He made up aliens as a way of manipulating.

Do you want to kill this guy? No, mate. That's really bad. It's a stupid idea. No, come on. Kill this guy. No, I don't want to. Aliens?

Oh, yeah. All right. Aliens? No, you should have said. You should have said. Because now? Because I'm really against murder. Yeah.

But if you've got some kind of cabal of aliens who are telling you to tell me... Yeah, with the greys. To help you do it. Yeah. Well, I mean, I will kill four aliens that I can't see any day of the week.

But I will not kill just because someone didn't want to fuck you. Because that is not very nice. That is... You like this character I'm doing, Paul? I do, actually. I was about to say it's a very good Bruce Hamill. I think, honestly...

I'm Bruce Hamill. Award worthy. Just put me on the hot seat. Award worthy. Let me just... I'll just... Put me in another situation. Right, okay, so...

I've just gone up. Bruce Hamill. And you're my wife. Yeah. I'm your wife? Yeah. Do you want me to make a cup of tea? Yeah.

Go make a cup of tea. I'm not making a cup of tea for you. Darling, make me a cup of tea, darling. All right, but... If you love me, make a cup of tea. I'm not making a cup of tea for you. Darling, make me a cup of tea, darling. All right. If you love me, make a cup of tea. But who is... You don't do anything else around the house. But darling...

I asked you to make a cup of tea and you're making a big fuss. Make a cup of tea. Who has told you to make a cup of tea? I am telling you to make a cup of tea. Not anyone else? Aliens told me to make a cup of tea. Oh, I'll do it. Yes, I'll do it straight away.

Yes, here's a lovely cup of tea. Lovely cup of tea I'll do it straight away Here's a lovely cup of tea Aliens told my wife to tell me To make alien tea For the coffee Right Here is the cups, here is the plates Oh the kettle's still boiling I love listening to the radio Or the sound effects

Anyway so using knives provided with Hamill He stabbed Dennis Kerr to death he stabbed him and mutilated his body oh great I'm laughing as you say that

probably drew a smiley face on the bum so after Hamill took a handful of over-the-counter sleeping pills and awaited for aliens

okay so that was his oh he tried to commit suicide well we'll find out if he was successful and you just did a fart. It's too late.

It's too late for this. Paul. Anyway. Meanwhile, surprisingly, Woodcock chose not to flee. Instead, he calmly strode into a local police station, still covered in blood all over his clothes, and confessed.

Woodcock was promptly then taken back to security prison. And needless to say, that was the last time he was ever left out. Because they were like, mate, you said ice cream. You said you're just going to get ice cream. Yeah, but then, you know. You said you'd be five minutes

and you were getting some ice cream. Oh no, and I was going to. I was going to. But then, I had this idea. Did you? What was the idea? you were getting some ice cream I know and I was gonna I was gonna but then I had this idea did you what was the idea was it to get ice cream

well no it was this idea that aliens were talking to me and they were telling me to kill someone who didn't want to fuck me yeah but how did you go from ice cream to that

you could have been free it was pistachio so it was green and it made me think of aliens anyway the murder prompted calls for a review of the system used to decide whether mentally ill patients are well enough

to offer a day release. This was not the best example for them to have used. You know? For the next 18 years, Woodcock was kept in a maximum security prison and then died of natural causes on his 71st birthday, March 2010. Well, I, for one, am so glad I have that story in my life, Paul. And if you want to know more there's a book called The Reason of Insanity

Are you interested in true crime at all, really? Do you read any true crime? I like listening to the last podcast on the left, I like the dollop I like kind of learning history and stories and, you know, I also like supernatural I mean, anyone who doesn't know, I also do a podcast called The Spooktator, where we look at stories about the supernatural look at it from a skeptical point of

view we talk about the stories and the wider implications of the story itself so if that makes sense good so yeah i am actually quite passionate about the occult the supernatural i like talking about it but i don't believe in it i think it holds i think it holds the key to the human existence by talking about stuff like the supernatural because i think we find things about the human psyche yes well we've discovered lots of things like rems and how the brain deals with death and things all by studying supernatural things like night terrors and uh you know people seeing a light when they are dying and they've come back yes so all because of stories like that like seeing angels we've looked into the brain

and found out scientific facts. And found out wacky, crazy, spooky stuff. Yes. Right. Did you enjoy that story? I actually, Paul, I have to say I did not.

Why? Because it was grim and you didn't inject it with anything. Oh, it's not right. It's my story telling. Go on. No, not now.

It's my story time. Come on, now. Okay. I'm standing up, ladies and gentlemen. Why are you No, not now. Eli, story time. Come on, now. Okay. I'm standing up, ladies and gentlemen. He's intimidating me physically, ladies and gentlemen. I'm not intimidating you. I'm just standing up because, you know, I feel the energy. I want to roll over.

Come on, baby. Hit me. One day, I woke up, and I went up to the wall. I put my head against the wall and pressed very hard. Right. Very hard. Why? No reason. What was the outcome? That was it. I put my head against the wall and pressed very hard very hard why? no reason what was the outcome?

that was it that was a story it's a story at least it's a story it doesn't have a three act structure first act here's the first act waking up

second act walking to the fucking wall you're standing up it still feels like you're sitting down pressing my head against the wall yeah but you don't tell me

what happens at the end that is the end alright we don't learn anything about you it's an opaque story no it's not very good can we wrap this up

because I am literally no here's a story once upon a time Eli got up and he went into the kitchen and made himself a lovely breakfast and then he noticed something

oh the front door was open. And he heard a rustling and a bustling in the room next door. So Eli took out a big stick and was like, oh, you better not be a big bad man. And then he heard the door go jugga, jugga, jugga. And so he jumped in and started wildly waving a stick around. And he kept hitting this thing. And it was saying, stop it, stop it, I'm sorry. And he hit it until it stopped moving.

And then he sank back in shock into the corner of the room and was like, what have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? Oh, I've done a blunder. The body lie there, blood oozing from its head wound. Eli starts panicking. His life's about to change forever. Who is it? Who's on the

floor? He doesn't know. It's a stranger. We don't know. And then a stranger. We don't know. Is he dead? And then he looks in the guy's pocket. He's got a police badge. Oh, Detective Sergeant Brian Adams

was lying there in a pool of blood and you find out that he was investigating. When was he born? December of 69? Yeah, he was.

He thought, no, that was the year he bought his first real six-string. Shut up. Paul, can was the year he bought his first real six-string. Shut up. Paul, can we wrap the podcast up? No, so you're lying there, and then suddenly you hear,

No, no, no. And the blue flashing lights. Eli doesn't know what to do. All Eli can think about is, will he go down for this? How can he explain what happened? Will he get off? He's killed a policeman. And with that, with that, he runs

under the bed and pulls out the gun. The service gun his granddaddy used in war and loads a bullet into it. He puts it against his head. Pulls the trigger. Oh, suicide. And the police come and get him. If we can get some paedophilia in,

Paul. Paul, honestly, as a No, fucking boy. Paul, honestly. This is bad. As a friend. This is bad, right. Can I tell you? Yeah. This whole little bit.

Yeah. It's really not working. I thought the next Summer of 69 gag was quite good. No, but there's so much shit that people are going to have to wade through. How do we get through this? How do we end this? We just have to finish. How?

I don't think we've reached a good enough part to end. But, Paul, you shouldn't have had the stupid fucking idea of finishing the show with looking at perhaps the most horribly depressing, drab, morbid magazine I've ever seen in my life. It's really unpleasant and nasty. What about Horse or Hound? Stacey's pony's barking mad.

It's not a horse, it looks like a dog. It's a miniature pony. Apparently they're good at sex. What, like you having your sex with it? No, people like to fuck them. That's not why there's stories in the book, though.

Paul, Paul. I've got five mutts and one mixed up pony. I don't think this is a story about a woman who shags a dog. One sentence, yeah. Person pussy.

Yeah. Pony pussy. Alright. Pussy. Okay. Pony pussy. Alright. Pussy. Okay. What am I meant to do with that? Fuck a horse. My silly goat's gruff.

He jumps on the trampoline. That's funny. So the only upbeat ones are about people's pets. Yeah, because it's got a goat and it bounces on the trampoline oh god please please that's it

please got any housekeeping to do Paul? I think a little bit just the usual stuff though again we're still compiling all the slash fic for our sex episode at the end of February.

Keep it short, and you've got more chance of beating Red. We do have a packed show, so we're not going to do all of them, unfortunately. But we'll get as many through as we can. So that's why. Another reason to keep it short. Right? What? I've lost it.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about the people writing slash fic. Pay attention. You're just zoned out now. Also, yeah, get in touch with us. We're chatty on Facebook, us we're chatty on facebook and we're chatty on twitter you're not you could do with pulling your finger out a little bit oh i see behind the curtain little bit of uh you don't do much to keep the social media conversation

going well could i just say i've had a new idea yeah about what i could reward people with oh for patreon yes well if you do want to give on Patreon, we'd like that very much. And you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and give whatever you want. Randomly, I select a Patreon supporter. Right. Then I trap some mice. Okay. Then I kill the mice.

Right. I roll the mouse in some kind of mucus substitute. Right. And crunch all their little bones up. Yeah. Right. So I've got thesecus substitute. Right. And crunch all their little bones up. Yeah. Right. So I've got these mouse balls. Right.

These little glutinous mouse balls. My little Paxo stuffing balls. They're like little mouse pellets. Yeah. Like an owl. Yeah. Real gurgitated. Yeah, like fat balls.

But I've made them at home, made them. Like fat balls? Yeah. Then I put them into my beard. Yeah. Insert them into my beard yeah insert them into my beard weave them into the fabric

of your beard until they dry out let them dry out in there yeah then I can rattle I rattle my mouse pellet beard yeah and I'll go

and I'll I'll sort of stand outside people's houses in the driveway yeah these random people you've picked out yeah

and rattle it basically yes wow and then the police come and then you have to explain it driveway. Yeah, these random people you've picked out. Yeah, and rattle it. Basically, yes. Wow. And then the police come, and then you have to explain it. And I'll say, you didn't tell me to do it. You said there was an alien cabal controlling you. Oh, that old, well, hello, hello, hello, that old chestnut, sir.

We shall not be believing you on this occasion. Off to jail with you, sir. Good impression of a policeman. Hello, hello, hello. It's like when you try and do accents, Paul. Like when you try and do accents. Well, at least I don't put in a little thing. Oh, hello.

That's your thing. Och aye, is how you start a Scottish accent impression. Yeah. Anyway, you can support us on our page. It's a brawl like moonlich, nick to nick, mince and tatties. That's what I mean. Drama the wee grouse, Anyway, you can support us on Patreon. That's what I mean. Do an American accent.

Hey, buddy. My name is Paul Gannon, and I like talking in an American accent just like this. Very good. So, anything else? Yeah, I can also do French. Paul, you've been so shit tonight. How dare you? I'm sorry. How dare you?

This whole show. I'm sorry, but you really have been really poor. You fucking started the thing by eating a sandwich and ignoring me. You don't want to play. There's something up with you.

You're not playing nice. Are you? Admit it. There's something up. There's something I need to talk to you about what I think you're in the last stages of Noel Edmonds

are you turning into Noel Edmonds I think I'm nearly there I can feel the change I can feel the change the quickening I don't feel like I'm going to be me anymore and I'll be Noel Edmonds

well and when that happens I need you to kill me alright I will alright the minute I turn now no I need to record this in there too after I've edited it and put it I need you to kill me. All right, I will. All right? The minute I turn. Now?

No, I need to record this in edit. After I've edited it and put it out, then you can kill me. But you've got to promise me, if I turn null, full null, if I become an Edmonds, right? Yeah. Promise you'll... I promise. Promise you... Oh, no, you don't.

You don't have to ask me twice. Oh, no. How should I do it? Stab you? No. Gunshot, headshot, please. I'd rather stab you slowly. Or make me listen to the whole Bruce Abbott album.

Like this. He probably could, but I'd be a zombie. Well, I'd be no urban. I'm pushing the blade in. Yeah, but by then. But by then. By then.

Well, turn the recording device off. No. We haven't done the admin. Sit down. Fucking do the admin. Facebook. I'm hungry. I'm tired.

My balls are sweating out. They're no longer immaculately clean. They're dripping fucking sweat everywhere. Yeah. You've made this happen to me. I'm regressing. I'm talking poo bum. Bum poo.

Yeah, we're both. The magazine's depressed me turn off the thing and let's just endeavour to do better next time okay here we go let's just do that calm down

here we go we're on Facebook find us on the Looking for the Cheap Show page on there congratulations it'll be good to see you there on Twitter it is

at thecheapshowpod I am at paulgannonshow we're quite chatty Eli how can they find you? I'm on Twitter it's elSnoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D.

Email us if you want to, or you can do it through the website, thecheapshow.co.uk or thecheapshow at gmail.com. Again, if you want to give on Patreon, you can. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. And also we have a Reddit page where you can go and talk about the episodes

and other crazy things associated with the podcast by going to reddit.com forward slash r forward slash cheap show. And that's it. We also have Barshans as an ongoing concern every Friday on YouTube. It's frothy, man. Is that another one of yours? I think that's all of it.

And if you're on iTunes and you listen to us on iTunes, take eight days out of your life and try and put a review up. It's quite hard, apparently. Is it? But if you put a review up, you know, it helps us. It's got the charts. So that's it. All right.

Okay. Happy with that. Okay. Yeah helps us. It helps us go up the charts. So that's it. All right. Okay. Happy with that. Okay. Yeah? Yeah. Bye. I want to end on a song. What song?

Where have all the good men gone And where are all the guys Where did I put my panty blues And where did I put my pies I put them out on the window And I left them there to cool Then a naughty teddy bear, he ran off with it to school.

I need a teddy. I'm holding out for a day till the end of the day. He's gotta be cute and he's gotta eat fruit and he's gotta go away for the day. I need a teddy. No. No. Okay.

That was unamusing. What was making me laugh was how bad and sort of completely flat it was. Well, I would have edited it out by then. Good.

You should edit this whole fucking show out. Just get it down to the one fucking word. Me saying this. Go on. Fuck. Yeah?

Yeah, that'll do. Fucking hell. Fuck me.