CheapShow - Ep 66: Bottom Sniffer

Episode Date: February 9, 2018

Well, this turned out to be a big one! It's the episode that sees us tasting the most disgusting thing ever to pass our lips. It's also the episode where Eli delivers a brand new "Top 3", we find out what horror lurks at the bottom of the "bag of bags", the cheap chaps discover a most unusual flavour of potato crisps, debate whether you can live off food pills stuck up your arse and try out some infamous "high alcohol" cheap lager. Things get very heated in another bout of Board Game play time and we also invent the cruelest place in the world to eat. It's CheapShow: unnecessarily bigger, longer and uncooked! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

I did a big poo and I've stunk the house out. I have. Wasn't that bad. It wasn't pleasant though. I've smelt worse. You have, yeah, from you. Well, what's that theory that you got to sniff your own shit because it helps with stuff?

I've never heard of the theory for a health thing. Have you ever taken a shit and it's like, and you've thought, oh, that's... I'm finding that unpleasant. That's not mine. Yeah. I've not done that one. Yeah, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I've done that. That one just now didn't seem like my brand. Are we not going to keep this as the beginning of this episode? I don't know how I feel. Can I just do the intro, please? Like we used to do. Ladies and gentlemen. I'm doing the intro.

I'm going to do the intro then. Jesus, wept. Oh, ho, ho, hello. Don't make a fucking face at me. Oh, ho, ho. Not oh, ho, ho, that sucks. Well, yeah, because it's like Christmas and you're not Santa. That was oh, ho, ho.

I wasn't saying ho, ho, ho. Oh, you've changed it. No, I said oh, ho, ho. You're the off-brand Santa. Oh, ho, ho. It's not Christmas. Yes, hello. It's not Christmas. Yes. Hello.

It's Eli Silverman. It's time for Cheap Show again, coming to you straight from the Cambridge Heights. It's C-Town. It's Cambo. It's Cambridge. And it's Cheap Show. And I'm Eli Silverman. Have I said that already?

I have. And here's your other host of this thing. We call Cheap Show. Have I said that? Oh. Hee hee. That was in the intro. Because you're doing shit. Alright, you do it. No, you do it. But maybe, I don't know,

think about the words you use. Okay. And then, take a beat. And then deliver your goodness. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. It's time again for Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman and Paul Gannon's here. We are broadcasting for the first time ever

from Cambridge. That's not true. For the second or third time ever. Third time ever. For the third time ever from Cambridge. Cambo City, C-Town. Some people call it Cambro. What fucking calls it Cambo ever? i'm gonna call it came bro and uh hello welcome to cheap show

i hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles all right it's a facts though, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? The price of food is a lot higher than the price of the big guy. How's the Bitcoin? The price of the site? Let's just walk out and say hello.

Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show. And then I go and I nuzzle. So, ooh, it's Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen. Are you excited as I am to be doing Cheap Show? I am quite excited, Paul. This is nice. It's a nice little set-up we've got here. Got a lovely little set-up here. We're not in the House of Pickles this time. I've invited you down to Canebro.

Yes, mate. To Canebro. People in the know call it cane bro that we should use that people in the know call it cane bro yes t-shirts my friend um you're monetizing everything now paul you've gone insane i'm not going to say i've not done anything yet we are going to work on t-shirts can we get a t-shirt that says i took a shit that? Yeah, we could do a t-shirt that says that. I don't know how many people would want to wear a t-shirt that says, I done a shit.

I gone done shit. Okay. Yeah, I've got enamel badges in the works. And I think we're going to roll that around around March. Because it's me we're talking about. And because I do everything. And because I have a high stress life sometimes

I don't get around to doing things as quickly as I'd like so I'm going to apologise right now for the late delays on certain cheap show promises

and certain cheap show I've done a poo you did do a poo Paul it's actually starting to seep through I know because the doors aren't sealed

I thought it was fine I was happy with it but but now I'm not. Now there's a distinct subtext of shit here. There is. It's got a slight... Also, because you brought in the sausage butty from the greasy spoon kebab shop round the corner, that onion HP

smell is seeped into the shit smell. And it's made things really kind of acrid. It's not a great combo in here. It's not a great combo. So, I'm going to apologise for that. I asked for a sausage sandwich.

Yeah. Well, I asked for a sausage sandwich and a bacon, I said, bacon roll and sausage roll. Yeah. He said,

I only have sausage. I said, yes, I'll get a sausage roll. Yeah. Actually make it a sandwich. I said, he made two,

what can only be described as sausage burgers things. With raw onion in. And HP sauce. My guts. They weren't too bad. They weren't too bad. And he was a friendly man.

He was a very friendly man. It was more of a kebab shop than... It's a kebab shop that does full English. It does bespoke meals for the man on the street. Yes. So we are in the man on the street. Yes. So, we are in the House of Pickles. We are in

the place where I am right now. I don't know what to call this place. We should call it something. What should we call it? HP Shit House? Welcome to the HP Shit House. Okay. I mean, it's a lovely little flat,

but my arse has befouled. It really has. Anyway, so we've had a little walk around the charity shops, because you've not had the chance to do that. We certainly did. The famous Mill Road. I came to Cambridge today on the train, everybody, and my sort of experience of Cambridge didn't start well. No?

Didn't start well, because I thought, oh, I need a coffee. Oh, here we go. I need a coffee. So I got off the train at Cambridge, and I went to the AMC. AMC. AMC. AMT. AMT. AMC is a cinema brand.

Forgive me. An AMT, which is a coffee... Emporium. ...chain, but they tend to only be in stations. Have you noticed that? They tend to be station-based. I don't think I've ever actually seen one just on the high street. No, I don't think I have either. I think they are a high street. No, I don't think I have either.

They are a coffee chain that specialise in ripping you off in train stations. In train stations, yes. But, famously, they do very strong espresso. You get a quadruple espresso. Is that what they're famous for? Yes. Oh, okay. It's very strong.

It's very high roast. So, and that's what I'm into, yeah? High caffeine. I want a fucking jolt yeah I need a jolt yeah so I've got a flat

hey shut up I've got not that kind of jolt I've got a flat white yeah okay for people who don't know

what a flat white is it's like a latte but less milky that's the whole point is that all it is just less milk yes there's a slight

the ratio is slightly higher coffee to milk than a latte. Okay. And even slightly stronger than a cappuccino, which is the most milky. Mmm. Okay? Simple enough. She gave me what can only be described as a fucking huge flagon of tepid milk that had fucking been shown a bean once in his childhood. And then never thought about coffee ever again.

It was flat, flappid, flip-flap-flappy. Flip-flap-flappy. It was tepid milk. Yeah. And I wanted to return it and give her somewhat force. It makes me angry when people don't know the simple categories of espresso-style coffee, Paul. Yes, I'm aware of your beef.

You made it very apparent because the first thing you fucking said when you got out of the station was not, and I right out of the year, you're like, it's fucking coffee! It was really bad. So that was a bad experience,

but my irritation was salved by the quality of chatter shops up round where you live. Now, there are a few we went to. We went to the Salvation Army. Lovely choices there. What do you think the Salvation Army, what do you think that store was originally?

Like a butcher's maybe or a supermarket? No, that store must have been some kind of furniture shop or... It's definitely like a 1960s build, isn't it? It's got that terrible sort of Formica... Do you know the sitcom, Are You Being Served? Yes. Imagine like a small version of that on the high street in Cambridge. Like a little tiny department store.

Like a little tiny department store. So in a corner, clothing. In another little corner, clothing. Possible. In another little corner, plates. Possible. But now it's a Salvation Army charity shop. Yeah, and there's some great stuff in there.

It is. I like it. It reminds me of the charity shops you get out in florida just in terms of the whole layout the kind of massive store that they've just sort of put a little one isn't it yes so we are big and airy big and you don't get people kind of trying to get past you because a lot of charity shops it's a fucking nightmare there's some fucking granny standing in the door won't move with a grandchild who's an annoying little shit and i'm just literally and oh mate i was in a charity shop the other day i've been palmer's green yeah i wanted to purchase a record for 50p some pair of

old ladies talking about the fucking vat on the thing she's like oh i don't want to pay that they shouldn't tell you the vat isn't it's like no the vat has been included in your bill there's no no problem with it it's not like america there's not like america where you pay she was trying to say and then the vm she was trying to say because because the vat is is itemized on the receipt she somehow went she got the wrong end of the stick and thought she'd been charged vat that she wasn't aware of when she decided to purchase the item i didn't vote brexit to get this and they literally went, no, no, no. And they had a fucking 15 minute conversation about it. I'm standing there, looking

at the woman, thinking, can you not just fucking let me buy this record? Why? No one. Fuck me. Although that was tempered by the conversation we overheard in the Romsey charity shop on Mill Road. The one I love. The one that's literally a tiny little shop.

It's a good one. I picked up some nice items there, Paul. You did, didn't you? I bought a Ghostbusters 2016 reboot novelisation for kids there. Ooh. Oh, I'll be reading that. Will you? Probably.

Well, you know what happens. Do you think they'll make it good? Oh, I'll never read a book again because I know what happened because they made a film out of it. That's a good attitude to have, isn't it? Well, I tend not to. So what?

You would never read Jaws because you've seen the film? I wouldn't want to read Jaws because it's shit. It's not a great book. It's not a great book. It's like The Godfather. It's one of those 70s novels

that were, I don't know what you call it, adapted to films. And the films are classics and the novels ain't no classics baby I know I know The Godfather the book is a huge

big fucking chunky thing yes but it's pure airport it's Dan Brown it's the Dan Brown of its day it's all just sort of lurid

you know sex scenes and bullshit oh that just makes you know it's easy to read basically

yeah especially it makes you feel sophisticated you're 15 and you think I read a basically. Especially, it makes you feel sophisticated. You're 15 and you think, I read a whole novel. Yeah,

because I remember in Jaws reading that and going, wait, she doesn't have an affair with Richard Dreyfuss' character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he dies in the book version. Oh, he does, does he?

Yeah, because he goes down to try and kill Jaws towards the end and then doesn't come back up and then later on you see his body under the water.

But in the film, he famously resurfaces doesn't he later did I miss anything let's swim home that's brilliant you'd think Rob Sano would be like me

it's after the end of the film he resurfaces doesn't he I love that you don't want Richard Dreyfuss to die do you well have you seen Piranha was he in that

he's in the beginning of Piranha playing basically his character from Jaws but not really and he's in a boat fishing and then the piranhas swarm him and devour his boat okay there you go and he actually dies in that yeah but it's a cameo it's a jokey cameo that's all it is jokey cameo anyway so jaws

but you've read jaws the novel yeah it's not very good is it it's it's a pot boiler it's very pulpy yeah very pulpy and same with godfather yeah yeah and so anyway we're in that charity shop and i bought that book but we were just minding our own business and there's a little conversation going on at the counter with the guy there trying to sell them a back massager but that's not really what the conversation was about ladies and gentlemen it was two women and the guy behind the counter going, oh, I don't know what I'd use that for. Yeah. Oh, it's got a very

strong vibration to it. What could I use that for? On your wrinkled vagina. Yeah, because even I was thinking just someone say, stick it up your pussy. Just one of you. No, she was going,

oh God, do you sit on it? Do you? Do you? I want to say yes. Express yourself sexually, love. Fucking do it. Go on. Grind your old flip-flaps on that.

And then she was like, oh, I hope it's clean. And then the other woman went, oh, just wash it in bleach. Is that what you do with your dildos? Yeah. Yes. Very charity shoppy.

Very charity shoppy. Extreme. They were moaning about working for the British Heart Foundation. Yeah. She said, clearly, above shop management, they're an absolute disgrace. So I don't know if that's true, but that's just something I heard. We just don't know.

It's all rumour. Chatter shop goss. Could be a new section. Have you heard chatter shop gossip? Yes. I think that should be. Things we overhear people say in charity shops. Yeah.

There we go. Got a brand new section. Brilliant. Bank it. We make TV. We say in charity shops. Yeah, there we go. Got a brand new section. Brilliant. Bank it. We make TV. We make TV. We're so good at telly. We're so good at telly.

That's what you're getting at, weren't you? Yeah, it was. That was the thing you were trying to steal. Yeah. And I went out right and stole it. So talking of vaginas, is this the sex episode? No, this is not the sex episode. This is the normal episode before we get into it.

Oh, God. Before you and I get all sexy. So what's this episode got then, Paul? Well, coming up on the show real soon is we've got some tales from the shop floor. Ooh. We've got Eli's top three. Haven't thought about that. Well, yeah, right.

We have a cheap eats section, and this time we're going to try some cheap boozers. Famous cheap boozers. Cheap boozers. Cheap boozers. And then in our board game section today, very excited, I found in a charity shop, Bargain Hunt, the board game. Oh, my word. And true to form, it was cheap as chips.

It was cheap as chips. It was like, I think it was £2 for this. I can see it's three quid. Big box. And I've had a little play with this. I can see it's three quid. Big box. And I've had a little play with it. And then what about the ball game? Ew! Boom, boom!

Don't go boom, boom. Well, if Basil Brush isn't using it, I'm going to use it. We've spoke to Basil Brush. We did, we spoke to Basil Brush. I said something about him being a crackhead, didn't I? I don't.

It's online somewhere, all that. We have to find it. We'll get into it another day um so that's what's coming up on the show today i'm so excited i just can't hide it it's now time for tales from the shop floor okay so this is the section everybody everybody, where our fans and listeners. Our fans and or listeners. And or haters that listen.

And or haters and or fans. Or internet bots. Or internet boffins. They write in with their tales from thrift stores and charity shops. Yes. And we see if there's anything good there. Yes.

Sorry, I was quite down on the last ones. And I got a response from... Oh, yeah, Mr. Chris. He said, I'm sorry that my... You upset him. He said... You upset him. He said, I'm sorry that my story was shit.

Well, is it Chris? Is it Chris? Yes, I think so. Well, Chris, you should be, because we don't fucking... Shut up! Don't be mean! We don't not pay you anything to provide content for this, for it to be substandard. Yeah, but he is also a patron.

Okay. A substantial one as well. So he's paying us. So maybe you should fucking... You should fucking be a bit more apologetic. What, I should hitch up my old ideas? Yes. You should apologise to him.

Should I give myself a wedgie? Yes. Ugh! No. What do you mean, no? No. Beard's going well, Paul. Is it?

You really do look very daytime TV. Do I? Yes. In what way? You look like one of the minor members of Mike and the Mechanics. Aren't you the wittiest man in the whole fucking world? You look like a pedophile. Oh, you're funny.

He's rubbing his belly. I've been on the comments section. Yes. On YouTube. And? Doesn't Paul now look like the kind of uncle who makes awkward suggestions to you when you suddenly turn 18? Oh, my God. He's dirty, isn't he?

How many comments? Eli looks like Ron Jeremy. Eli looks like Ron Jeremy. Eli looks like Ron Jeremy. Yeah like Ron Jeremy Eli looks like Ron Jeremy yeah but you do I'm going to fucking I'm going to fucking bring in a picture

of fucking Ron Jeremy oh yeah and I'm going to show them how much I don't look like fucking Ron Jeremy alright we'll have a also Ron Jeremy for the millionth time

could suck his own Johnson he could slot his penis into his own mouth and was forced to do it at parties during the 70s. We think we've talked about that, haven't we? Imagine that.

You call him the Hedgehog. Because he could curl himself up into a ball. And he's very hairy. I wouldn't call him the Hedgehog. I'd call him the own dick sucker offer. The big dick man. That's why we don't get to name things on this show, because they're all poor.

Okay, Paul. So, we have two Tell us the shop floor. We have two tales from the shop floor today. The first one is from a lovely lady called Chloe Gratton. Thank you for writing in.

She wrote a few stories but I want to bank them. So here's just the one for now. She goes, so I work in Burger King because the motto there is have it your way.

Have it your way. Yeah. But you can have it your way. Yeah. You can say I don't want any tomatoes in that but because of that motto for example

which is I always get the tomatoes taken out what about you I just don't go Burger King burgers are too small price too expensive that's my opinion if you were going to buy

let's say from any shop a burger and included in the in the standard version of that burger was a slice of tomato no I'm just wondering I don't mind tomato in burgers.

I don't like them in sandwiches. Burgers are a bit more robust, can absorb it. Provided it's not a thick slice of cold tomato. You know what I mean, when it's just half a tomato. Yeah, it's disgusting. Thin slices is all I need. I don't want a salad in my burger. I don't want a whole fucking salad in my burger.

I don't want a whole tomato in me burger. All right. Good. I'm glad we cleared that up. Pickle? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you've got to have a bit of pickle in it. Mate, oh, God, I love pickles.

Yeah, we all... Really? That's news? Does Eli like pickles? Does he? What? This is a revelation. Someone suggested, by the way...

What? To make... Making my own chutney. I do. Not that kind of chutney. Believe me of me i do it's a pickle a dick pickle shot glass where you take a pickle and you chop the ends off so it's like a shaft yeah and you scoop out all the middle of the pickle right and you fill it with a booze of your choice and then the top and bottom of the pickle that you've chopped off you stick on the side with cocktail sticks so now it looks like balls on a cock right oh yeah and then you dip the tip in

like i don't know some salt fill it with the booze of your choice and you go oh it's like a cock and you drink booze out of the pickle cup yeah that's all right that'd be all right i'd rather just drink i'd just rather drink and not make things look like a cock before i put them in my mouth i mean i've got nothing against the idea of having a cock in my mouth. I'd probably quite enjoy it, given the... I don't mind... Next episode. Yeah.

But what I'm saying is, I don't want to go for the rigmarole... Of hollowing out a pickle. To make it look like a cock. Just to fill it with fucking what? Drambuie? Drambuie? Fucking Malibu.

Ugh. Fucking booze. Some kind of shitty booze. Yeahambooey. Fucking Malibu. Ugh. Fucking booze. Some kind of shitty booze. Yeah. Baby sham. Archers. Liebfrau Milch. Malibu.

Friend of mine. Taboo. Mirage. All those ladies drinks. All those ladies drinks. They're disgusting ladies drinks. That I'll actually like. You love it because you love a sweet thing.

I do love a sweet thing. That's why I love you all. Malibu can be nice, I guess. It's alright, yeah. With coke. Anyway. Go on, you're a sweet thing. I do love a sweet thing. That's why I love you all. Manabu can be nice, I guess. It's all right. With Coke. Anyway, a friend of mine's sister is launching a booze product

worldwide. Oh. And it's a lychee-flavoured liqueur. Oh. That might be very sweet, though. It was very, very sweet. Disgusting, I have to say.

I find lychee too sweet. Anyway, good luck to her, and I'm not going to mention any names, but I had some, by itself neat. Was it strong? Yeah, and also horrible. Sort of floral, almost, with lychee. It was not for me.

We were in Edinburgh at that time, and we drank that bar dry of tequila, so the best they could offer us was rose-flavoured vodka. And we tried it, and we were all horribly ill. Did we drink a bar dry of tequila? Yeah, because when we were going to the... We kept getting tequila, didn't we? After every show.

And we got a lot of tequila, and then we went in one day and went, no, mate, you've had all our tequila. There's no fucking tequila left. We're going to wait for the tequila shipment from the Arctic or something. Here's a clue to you, barman. Have more tequila. There's no fucking tequila left. We're going to wait for the tequila shipment from the Arctic or something. Here's a clue to you, barman. Have more tequila. Have more tequila. Buy some tequila.

What, there's a fucking Tesco across the road? Supply and demand. You know what I mean? Supply and demand. Perhaps two days before, think, oh, they seem to be getting tequila quite a lot. Why don't I get some more in? Those untalented pissheads from that shit sketch show. They didn't know what we were.

No, they didn't know. They don't go see shows. No, they don't. They have to put up with all the fucking arty types who turn up once a year. Oh, I thought that show went really well. No, you mustn't blame yourself. Oh, I've got a big... Sorry.

I had a four-star review, but it read more like a five. Oh. I hate people. Right. So anyway, Chloe's letter. She says, because the motto is have it your way they sometimes get

weird burger requests oh yeah right so I can't really describe it to you so I've attached a picture of the burger although I will say

that there was a bacon on every patty and it took two wraps to wrap it all in and then it was only half wrapped I'll show you the picture right now it was a huge burger I'll show you it now I'll put it was only half wrapped. I'll show you the picture right now.

It was a huge burger. I'll show you it. Now, I'll put it up on the website, obviously. If you go to thecheapshow.co.uk, there'll be a picture of this. But that was the burger that was ordered. Wow. It's just bread, burger, bacon, burger, bacon, burger,

bacon, burger, bacon, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese. It's about at least five, six patties I can see there. Six patties there. Oh, that's just disgusting, man. It's unneeded. Just get two separate ones and throw the bread away. You know, why do you put people through that? Yeah.

Apparently the guy ordered this thing before. But because I was new, I was amazed. Right to Chloe. Wow. I'd be amazed. But what? You have to do it. I didn't know that it was to that level.

How do you even charge something like that? Well, I imagine it must be some kind of patty ratio thing going on, where they go, if they do one, one extra patty. I'd rather do it in your voice. Because my voice is dominating the world.

Even I've started to do my voice, Paul. I'll do it in this voice then. So if they come in, you order the regular price of the burger. A three pound and 75 pence. So I'll come in, I'll say hello and then i would like you can't both do that voice i quite like that i like that voice too i come in yes and i

would like yes a burger yes yes yes but um i would like eight patties with bacon and cheese on every level so what you're saying to me is you'd like bread patty burger patty burger patty burger Bacon and cheese on every level. So what you're saying to me is you'd like bread. Patty burger, patty burger, patty burger, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, patty burger, patty burger, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon. What did you say, packy? I didn't say fucking that at all. Get out! Get out!

I will not be using a racist shop ever again right anyway she goes on to say what's probably the complete opposite somebody asked for a whopper but

without the meat patty they just asked for a lettuce in a box with all the bits of a whopper so mayo tomato pickles

onions lettuce but without the meat that's very strange it was basically the most fucked up salad ever in a box. So weird.

Who goes to a Burger King? No patties, no bun either. No, the bun was there. It was just, it's like an onion and lettuce sandwich. Who goes to a burger place

and goes, no burger please on that. Yes. I must stress quite strongly that I will not have meat sold to me in your meat emporium fast food chain. Just go to your veggie cafe

and have your gluten-free shit there, mate. Mate. Can I go on a little bit of a rant? Yeah. I'm not against veganism. I used to be a vegetarian myself for a while. Okay. Oh, I'm a vegan now.

Yes. I'm very moralistic. Mmm, mmm. By the way, have you seen my leather shoes? Or they go, I'm going to go get an Uber.

You think, don't give me a fucking moral high horse and then use a company that is systematically poor to its

employees. And especially the female ones. Women are not particularly safe in the cars, by and large, with Uber.

And they have no quality assessments. They have no safeguards in place and they're awful to their drivers

as well awful and they fucking charge them all sorts of horrible places but Paul someone would argue yeah

their decision whether or not to support the meat industry by eating animal products has nothing to do it's a separate moral issue I tell you what

yeah when I buy a burger, I want to know the pig cried before it died. Do you? Yeah, I want to see tears. You want a little picture of the pig going, no, don't kill me. Why did mummy die?

Then we should start up. Cruel burgers. Cruel burgers. Here's a picture of the fucking dog. Dog? It's just me kicking a dog. That could be you. That's our slogan.

We abuse our animals before they reach your plate. Yeah. Pain. Steve, kicking a dog. That could be you. That's our slogan. We abuse our animals before they reach your plate. Pain. Make the pain. Would you like a... Taste the pain. Taste the pain. What are we calling it? McPain.

No, we can't. We'll get done by McDonald's. We've got to think of a snappy name that encompasses what we sell. Torture King. Torture Lord. Torture Lord. Torture Lord Burgers. Where pain is king. Now, what was the catchphrase that you said?

Now you've got five guys. Yeah. Why don't we call it five attempts to kill it before we had to fucking... We got halfway through its neck. It was running around bleeding. We had to fucking send in Big Jim. He's memento but he likes

breaking things with his hands. Oh Big Jim I'll kill the pig. Fucking hell. No. I do not advocate I'd just like to say

cruelty to animals at all. You don't. And the fact of the matter is Paul It's a comedy podcast. The fact of the matter is Paul

they do food meat does taste better when the animal has had a good life, doesn't it, generally? I don't know. How can they prove that, though? Well, they've got Wagyu beef, for example.

Is that the one where they massage the cows and give them beer? And feed them beer, yeah. Imagine being that cow. The fucking life I've got, mate. It's great. They give me beer. This guy comes round and massages me.

I'm living the dream. Oh, this guy's coming over here with a what looks like a stun gun they still kill him yeah how do they kill him do they bore him to death with fucking haiku poetry that's good nice you've uh linked it into the nation yeah but no and also organic meat i think free-range chickens all of this that does tend to taste better and uh that's fine. This burger's lovely. The cow must have had a great life. So that was, it reminds me as well of my sister

works in a popular coffee chain in the States. Yes, she works for a coffee chain of some note. And she's saying, you know, you get weird requests here for stuff, but the people out there are absolute monsters she's literally no word of lie so this woman comes in every day and she gets a large like decaf coffee and she goes can i have 18 pumps of sugar syrup in that and then she gets the fucking sweet and low or whatever and she'll put nine of those in this thing as well can you

imagine but that doesn't even taste of coffee anymore though. Surely it's just going to be sugar syrup. It's beyond sweet. And she says people have like 15 sugars. You'd think though it'd be like, what the fuck is going on?

How much sweeter can it get? Do you know what I mean? She, obviously. Which brings me on to the Iron Brew question. Ah. Oh.

Mmm. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. ah oh oh yeah i thought you're gonna do your uh what your dub dubstep impression no no i'm not gonna do that right now i need to save that for when i really feel it okay but yeah the whole uh now you can know you can notice if you're drinking new iron brew because the sugar content's gone down from 32 grams to 60 yes i believe it is something like that so people are not happy aren't they it's not as sweet there was a put a brave face on news article a few days ago that said people are they said they were fate like reasonably encouraged by the response to the new iron brew i was like faint praise yeah it was terrible backhanded compliments it's like people are by and large not liking it.

There was only a horde of about 7,000 angry Scots people outside the factory gates. They say it's for health reasons and all this kind of stuff. And they also, I mean, it seems more to do with it's a cost-cutting exercise more than anything else, right? Sugar costs money. Which, I mean, look, all I'm saying is why not have a choice?

Why not have regular strength Iron Brew? Sugar-free piss? Zero. Because they have different types of Iron Brew. They've got diet. Yeah, so, I just don't know,

we just can't make a reduced service for that. Well, they want to know because they want to change the whole thing. They don't want to have to be, I mean, that's even more expensive, isn't it?

If you have to start doing two different brands with different sugar, there's two different production lines expensive isn't it if you had to start doing two different brands with different sugars there's two different production lines isn't it well I shan't be buying Iron Brew any longer really

you've got to try it I've tried it already you've tried the I actually you know what we could have done that if I can find two tins I'll save them

and bang them for another cheap show right and we'll do a new versus old Iron Brew and we'll see which one you prefer

I'd be interested in that within itself off brown brand off yes kind of in itself and also we are uh uh listener we are have got a brand off brand off coming up in a forthcoming soon to come episode yes we do uh mayonnaise oh yes i'm into mayonnaise i want to see if I can tell the difference Hellman's yeah Heinz yeah and some other ones

Sainsbury's own a knockoff and Kewpie yeah the knockoff the Sainsbury's own brand or whatever now how were you

you know Kewpie yes Kewpie is the Japanese mayonnaise yes you've mentioned it to me before I think it's a totally different

sort of recipe that they use in the Far East for the mayonnaise. Well, we'll find out. But how are you going to taste it? Are you going to just like dip a chip in it? Or are you going to dip a... That's a good idea. Chips.

Very good idea. Chippy chips or like potato chips. Chippy chips. Dips. We'll just go and buy some chips. All right. I think that's the way to do it. You need some kind of vessel or else it gets a bit sort of like...

There's a nice chippy up the road. If you just squirt a white goop into my mouth, just like... Yeah. Taste that! Oh, yeah. Spoof. Oh, come on, Eli.

That's the next episode, Paul. Taste my sticky white... What's another? Give me a... Love splurt. Right. The next one is being called the bin bag man. And it's from a listener called Hayley.

She used to work in a charity shop. She doesn't anymore, which is why she sent me this story. Okay. Now she doesn't feel any guilt at all by sharing this with the world. Let's hear it. So the charity shop I managed... The charity I managed a shop for didn't use their own carrier bags because it helped to keep operation costs down.

Oh, yeah. Which is fine. And it was more, obviously, environmentally friendly to reuse bags that people had donated items in. I think that's standard across the industry, Paul. I think it's like that old League of Gentlemen sketch, isn't it? It's like, do you have a bag, dear? Oh, we've got a bag. Remember that?

No, I don't. Right, well, that's wasted on you, isn't it? So, this also avoids having to pay the 5p charge. Yes. Okay, so that's all good. It wasn't unusual for people to donate a bag full of other carrier bags for this very purpose. Yeah, because they just clog up your home, don't they? That's the problem with them.

We've got a cupboard full of them. Everyone does. Everyone. Bag for life? I should be living forever with the number of bags for life I've got right now. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Shut up. It was funny.

It's witty. One day, an older man, who was a regular customer at the time, brought in a black bin bag absolutely full of carrier bags for us to use. There were so many bags in this bin bag that we literally stood it in the corner of the warehouse and would periodically grab a bunch of the bags and put them in the box behind the till.

Oh no. When we got to the other carrier bags, when we got other carrier bags from other people We just add them to this bin bag So it became a deposit It was just the bin bag Bag The bag of bags Game of Thrones, the bag of bags

However last summer We didn't get many bags donated at all We started making our way for this collection Of carrier bags within the bin bag until we were towards the bottom of the bin bag of bags. Then one day, while at work with my colleague, we decided to empty the remaining bags into a smaller bag behind the till. Practical.

Many, many bags in this story. Lots of the word bag. That, that was when we found them. Many, many bags in this story. Yeah. Lots of the word bag. That, that was when we found them. Oh no. The man who had donated the black bin bag full of carrier bags had put a pair of men's underpants at the very bottom

of the black bin bag and had placed all the carrier bags on top of his pants. He'd also taken a big crap in them. What? Is this true? Yes. If it's from Hayley, I can't imagine she'd lie to me.

Oh my word. He took a great big dump in them. That meant that every carrier bag that we had used in the last two or three months had likely been contaminated by this man's poo-poo particles. Oh yeah.

Essence to old man shit. Angry old man. That sounds like something he did for kicks as well. Well, this is what she goes on to say. Did he do it on purpose? Did he forget they were in there? We generally don't know, but it was a bizarre thing

just to have a plastic bag full of bags and then one item of clothing at the bottom and that one had a great big dookie in it. Oh, man. We realised that he also hadn't been to the shop since he'd given us that bag. He great big dookie in it. Oh, mate. We realised that he also hadn't been to the shop since he'd given us that bag. We'd been avoiding

the scene of the crime. So we wonder if it was some form of dirty protest. I think it was. Disgusting, writes Hayley. Wow, that is one of the best... You know I like the ones...

You like the shit ones. I do. I'm sorry, I do. I like Tales from the Shop floor. I've got the shit in. That is the Tales from the Shop Floor that I've been waiting for, Paul. That enters our hall of fame.

It really does. It does. Yes, because it does involve. I mean, there was that one where someone had shat on the ceiling. I like that as well. There was the shit on the ceiling. There was the pipe of shit pumping through.

I mean, cherry shops and fecal matter seem to be. Yes. They go together. Right. Now it's time for Eli's top three that he hasn't thought of because he's never prepared for this show ever. And it's tiring me out. Yes. Eli's top three,

everybody. And today on Eli's top three. It's Eli's top three. Yes. If you're a long time listener, you will remember this section. It was a section we used to do. On the live show.

It goes that far back. It goes right back to on clickable. And we've covered my top three crisps. Biscuits. I couldn't say the word biscuits. I don't know why. Biscuits and nuts and...

Sleeping positions. Sleeping positions. Things like that. So if you want to delve into the archive, you can see that. And now just to get this clear, Paul, are we doing non-sexual best moments of my life? I can't imagine you've got any. So yeah, let's just keep it to your top three moments of

wonder and joy. When I haven't been coming hard. You haven't had a single moment of sex in your life. I've never come hard. Wait, wait. You have never had a moment of sex in your life. I've never had, never come hard. Wait, wait. You have never had a moment of sex in your life that you would probably describe as life-affirming. I fucking have. No, you have.

Save it. I want to hear your dirtiest sex story. Top three non-sexual highlights of Eli Silverman's life. Let's go straight in at number three. And I mentioned it. Yes. Last episode. Or whenever it was.

A few episodes ago. Yeah. And what was that again? You were watching Open University. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Now. Not only do I know your stand-up better than you,

but I also seem to know your life better than you. Me and my friend used to do LSD, Paul. Yes, I know. We'd buy it in tab form. Purple Oms. What's Purple Oms? You know there's that Om, which is a sort of Sanskrit or Hindu symbol. There's a very famous brand of acid blotters,

which is where you put little drops of acid on pieces of paper. Oh, yes. Famous way of doing it. I heard about it on the news. Yes. little drops of acid on pieces of paper. Oh, yes. Famous way of doing it. Blotters was what... I heard about it on the news. Yes. Purple arms were like... That symbol, purple, on each blotter.

Okay. The other thing about blotters is you get the design, so it's nice... It's a bit like an LP cover. You know? Yeah. It's nice, isn't it? What do you do, lick it or swallow it?

You just swallow it. That's right up your street with your peaker you love eating paper maybe i should get into lsd maybe i'll get some lsd on plastic paper with it yeah um and we were watching the open university and we always used to think you know is it great it's great watching the open university especially when there's someone weird on it yeah a bit A bit of a crusty old physicist. We were coming up hard on this purple arm. So your purple arm

was throbbing and you came apart and suddenly there was a guy in a brown jumper with some kind of owl pattern on it. Can you imagine

the knitted leather patches on the shoulder? You had leather patches on the shoulder. No. Elbow. Yes.

And maybe shoulder. That's if you're going pure, you're going sort of super pimp geography teacher if you've got them on the shoulder as well. That's high class teaching. And he had a huge beard and glasses and he was teaching some kind of equation and his name came up and it was Dr. Freak.

But with an E on the end. With an E on the end. Yeah. And he went, and he was like, excuse me. Yes. Was it that guy? Yeah. And he went, and he was like, excuse me. Yes. Was it that guy?

Yeah. Burger patty, burger patty, burger patty, burger patty, burger patty, burger patty. Dr. Freak, number three. So what, and you were like, this is the best moment

of my life ever? It was pretty good. Yeah? You know, because what happens is acid LSD does heighten the emotion. Enhances.

Yes. Enhances the experience of reality itself. Oh. And so it was a lot funnier than it is now. No fucking shit. Let's just say that now. Right. Okay. Number two. Yes. Was. Yeah. When. Yeah.

We were improvising. He's buying for time. We were improvising on stage as the impro group known as the Laughing Cavaliers or the Cavs. Or the Laughing Cavs. Or the Cavs. The Cavs. Do the Cavs.

Let's do the fucking Cavs. We mentioned this a bit in our Patreon episode we put out recently, which is a bit about the background to us. An origin story of some. And we talked about the Brewhouse and the Laughing Cavaliers and put links to those videos up on YouTube that exist of us doing shit improv. Anyway. Anyway. We used to do it with this guy, John Lane. John Lane.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Can I get a murder weapon, please? Dildo. Oh, yeah. Dildo. Anyway. Every week, John.

Yeah. Every week, John. We get dildos and murder John. John's impulse, generally, no matter what the rules of improv were, R could be. R could be. And how much of a professional he was, he had one impulse on stage.

And what was that, Paul? It was to end every sketch by trying to fuck you. Because he thinks comedy ends with a fuck. With you struggling with a bald, small man behind you as he tries to pound his hips against your bottom. And you think, that's what they've paid to come and see tonight, John. It got tiresome after about the second year of it. There's only so many sketches that can feasibly end with man-on-man action.

It's just what it is. Yes. So, and he was very bald. Very bald. And it did annoy me because we would try and make something funny and it would always end up with John just sort of frotting away at the back. Because John didn't like not being the funniest person on stage. And so as a result, he got very, very... Graham, who was...

Graham Casey, who was the other guy in the improv group, always used to say he used to have clashes with John all the time because John would derail a scene just to get a laugh. Yes. And Graham would be like, will you fucking stop doing that, please? Because it ruins everything. He was terrible.

And it makes me look like a dick. He was a terrible... Apparently they had close to fist fights over it. Really? Yeah. Terrible improviser, John Lane. Anyway. Yeah, but study with the greats.

How is that possible? How is that possible? How is that possible? Anyway. Anyway. He may have studied with the greats, but... He didn't learn with the greats. He didn't fuck.

No, did he? Anyway. So, he had a little bald head. Yeah. And there was a bit of resentment. But one day... One glorious day. One glorious day, which is my top two yeah my second greatest non-sexual

moment of my whole life yeah he somehow ended up i don't know what the scene was yeah but somehow he ended up prone lying down in between my legs yeah his. With his little head there. Poking out between your thighs. And I thought, this is it. The moment has come. And I'm going to slap this short man's bald head on stage. And I fucking did.

You fucking went at it. And it was glorious. You went full Tom Tom with it. It was fucking great. You're just sitting there. I can see the joy in your eyes and you were like, I know, man.

Looking around, looking for people to go, look at what I'm doing. Look at what I'm doing right now. I'm living the dream. The audience were a bit nonplussed. They didn't care. But you,

you're like Charlie in the chocolate factory. For me, that made my whole year. Honestly, it really did. He was not happy as well. He wasn't happy. You saw how angry he was... He was not happy as well. He wasn't happy.

You saw how angry he was as well. Oh, worth it. It was worth it. I'd do it again. Yeah. A million times. So you saw him in the street.

You just push him down. And I suddenly realised why Benny Hill slapping that short bald guy's head was such a huge hit. Yeah. Because it's funny to slap bald men on the head.

In fact, if you want to laugh, if you see a bald man in the street, you have legal permission to go... What's that? Is that known as the Benny Hill law? The Benny slap. The Benny slap law. So what is your number one non-sexual glorious

moment in your life? It's when I was at Meadowlands Festival. Yes. Which I've never heard of when I was at Meadowlands Festival. Yes. Which I've never heard of. Good friend Mark Allen. Tiny festival. Okay. Were you doing Universal Genius?

We were. Okay. A little show I used to do called Universal Genius with Mark Allen. I saw Mark the other day. It was a great fucking show as well. I used to love watching it. It was a pretty cool show

and I was silent in that. You were the mute fool. Yes. Which did work to some extent it was constantly a work in progress but we did have

some good shows very good shows and we had a reasonable show I believe we had Mike Wozniak on you had an amazing

bunch of guests on that show this particular one we had Mike Wozniak on and never sounds like a real name

Mike Wozniak it sounds like a made up name it sounds like a real name, Mike Wozniak. It sounds like a made-up name. It sounds kind of like a 1980s TV cop show starring Mike Wozniak. Well, I think there are a lot of Polish or Eastern European cops generally, aren't there? Yeah, yeah. Baskowski? Yeah.

Kowalski, I want you in here! God damn it, Blue Talent, I'll give you my badge. Hand in your moustache! Wachowski! I need to work on my riffing. Anyway, go on. Oh, Lieutenant. I'll give you my badge. Hand in your moustache. Wachowski! I need to work on my riffing. Anyway, go on. God, he says that now. You heard this festival.

He says that now. Fuck off. And we did the show. Yes. And it was a lovely festival. What was great is you could get pissed. And it was so small, you could just stumble back to your tent. It was literally metres away.

Oh, okay. From where you get the beer. Lovely. How great is that? Unlike certain festivals. End of the road. It's like, oh, do we have to walk to the next county to get back to our fucking tent?

Over rocks, wasn't it? It was a bit of a shlap. Fucking shit. I've applied for a spot at that. Have you? Oh, I know. It's great. I know it's great I love it

I love the tents anyway you were there the show was going well had Mike Wozniak and who else because it's usually two guests

generic I don't care no I think at that time it was our friend Gavin Saunders oh okay I know Gavin

he's a folk singer not a comedian as such well he's known for doing comedy being within the comedy circles he's very much in comedy circles good friend of Daniel

Kitson he is indeed and I believe John Oliver yes yes so but he's doing okay for himself he's doing all right better than us yeah Jesus should we just stop recording

this no let's not there's moments when we record this podcast where life suddenly comes into clear focus and we go we just did a knockout anyway he did it as well it was him and Woz't it but that's not that's not the high that's

not the moment no i'm just giving a bit of background i like the color yes and also the other thing was yeah uh at that festival in one of the lovely little bespoke tent sort of dance floor areas they had three of them or something um someone had been doing curry-based pop song puns. Nice. And so that started us off. And we got all the classics. You drive me gel-phrasey? No. Oh, you fucked that up. She drives me, she gels my phrasey.

Yeah, that's better. She gels me phrasey. Chicken tikka, you'd lipo. By ABBA. That's terrible. By ABBA? You'd lipo? That ABBA. That's terrible. Shut up. By ABBA? You'd lipo? That's the goo, goo, goo. Is it the goo, goo, goos?

They're my favourite comedy group of all time. Papa Don Preach. Papa Don Preach. Living Dahl. Yeah. That's it. That was your favourite moment. No, that wasn't it. But that was good.

Yeah. There's no more greater joy in life than thinking up curry-based humorous puns about pop songs. If anyone have any good ones, because those are the top for me. Yeah. By all means, get to us on Twitter. Do you think of any others? Papa Don't Preach.

Yeah, I know. She Jowls Me Frazy. Nan. Do you hear? Nan Bread Dose. What? Galsby Frazee. Nan. Do you hear? Nanbread does. What? What? Nanbread.

For Nan does. Oh, God. I'm basically trapped in an ABBA loop of puns. Yeah, you really are. Is that it? Is that generally your most? No, that's not my moment. Oh, okay.

So this is all leading up to it. Ah. Now, as you know, Paul. Yes. We used to do festivals quite a lot. I always suffered with the food in festivals. I was always unsatisfied with the food. The food was incredibly overpriced and disappointing.

Small portions. And terrible. Not great flavours. And so it made me very sort of reticent to splash out. It made me take the long view and sort of check out all the catering options before I made my decision. Quick aside,

if people want to have a taste of what that would like, we did an episode very early on in Cheap Show, episode, I want to say seven or eight, where we went to Latitude and we did a review from Latitude, remember? Yes. And you forgot the quilt for the sketch. The one fucking thing I asked you to do.

The sheet. You can discover that. Okay. I think it's called our Latitude Festival Special. Yes. So, as you know, I sort of always, we're very reticent to splash out. Very reticent.

The money and have a very disappointing nacho, for example, which could happen. Which could happen. I often find the cheese is horrible when you go there. And you just think, oh God, I spent 10 quid. On what? That? Yeah.

On something that isn't sustaining me, doesn't taste good. No. And it's making me angry. I should be having fun in this field drinking warm lager. But it's impossible to. Yes. Especially as I've been bitten by horseflies. Anyway.

Yeah. This was the opposite, Paul. Yeah. Anyway, this was the opposite, Paul. They had a gourmet pizza van, which had built into it a stone oven. You could look into the van, and in the van, there's this stone oven built into this van. That's impressive. Do you know what I mean? Already. That's a cut above.

Already. Yeah. And you could make your own pizza. So I said, I'll make my own. And they said, it's all gourmet ingredients and it was you know reasonably expensive

it was like a tenner maybe for the pizza and I said I like pepperoni jalapenos black olives and anchovies

which is my apart from the anchovies I approve okay but that is my my signature and it's been coined it's called a Mexiturano.

Oh, which I believe Barry bought you on your birthday when we filmed Barshens once. It is my pizza. Yeah. That is my pizza. I invented the Mexiturano, everyone, okay? And is that your moment? No. Oh.

Well, yes. But I'm getting to it. All right, get to it. This pizza, Paul, when it arrived, it was hot. Yeah. It was crispy. Yeah. All the ingredients were gourmet level nice and it was fucking unbelievably delicious oh it was a peak moment i stood there in a wooded glade yeah eating the most delicious pizza of my whole life and thinking wow that is amazing. So there are three. That's my top.

A fine top three, if you don't mind me saying so. Okay, have you got, what have you got? Oh, I haven't got time. Name one. Name one top moment, Mr. Moody. I think, honestly, when I presented Psychic Science at Derby Castle outside, it had 3,000 people. We did a massive live ghost hunt at this theatre thing

and had Derek Okora there and everyone it was cheesy but I remember thinking this is fucking awesome and fun so I think maybe doing that for the love of a crowd

love of a crowd the crowd the show was a lot of fun it was like I'd say 3,000 people warm summer's night outside outside of a

what? shame you never got paid had to ruin that one fucking moment I didn't get paid to ruin that one fucking moment. I didn't get paid to eat that pizza, did I? Anyway,

episode eight, Wet Hot, A Latitude Summer, if you want to hear our take on that. There's my top three and that was my top one that you fucking shat on.

it was boring. You're such a fucking cunt. You really are. What? I did a show and there were some people there, brilliant. Derek Okoro. It was one of the best moments of my professional life. Was some people there brilliant Derek Okoro

it was one of the best moments of my professional life was it? and actually Derek Okoro as well spoke I took my girlfriend along at the time to a meeting

because she was a big fan was it that show that that happened? and she was like oh I don't know what to say if I meet him he's always a lovely guy lovely guy

lovely guy anyway I'm doing the show and Derek Okoro goes off and starts talking to the girl at the side of the stage and I see her face go from oh I can't believe it's Derek Okoro to get this man away

from me as soon as possible and I went over to him, to her later and say oh what did he say? Because you look upset and she goes well because we've been dating only a few weeks, maybe a month or so. It was very fresh. Yeah. She goes he said Paul's in love with you and he's going to ask you to marry. You're the ghost of the spirit world saying

he's going to get down on one knee and propose and we're going to have four kids and be very happy and you can see the ghosts of the spirit world saying he's going to get down on one knee and propose and we're going to have four kids and be very happy and you can see the kind of the panic setting in we broke up not too long after that and if that doesn't prove

Derek McCord is full of fucking shit I don't know what does well just watching the man proves it that helps can we end this section it's now 40 minutes long

fucking hell hello everybody why am I doing the intro because you always do the cheap it cheap cheap cheap cheap Fucking hell. Hello, everybody. Why am I doing the intro? Because you always do the cheap it, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. You do that bit, remember? No, you go cheap, cheap, cheap, and then I go... Oh, I apologise. Do you want to swap around?

I'll do the cheap, cheap, cheap bit. Yeah, and I'll do the... We should mix it up. Okay. Hang on. Go. And now, ladies and gentlemen gentlemen It's time for Chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip chip So We usually do cheap food And we're going to start with cheap food Because you've got some cheap food Is that right?

No You said you had strawberry flavoured crisps I fucking Oh yeah Take it back Did you bring it? Let's do it Let's go from the start

No No No No No Hello ladies and gentlemen No we'll just skip to the bit where I Hello ladies and gentlemen

No we won't Skip to the bit where I just say you brought food in. So this is the part of the show where we like to try cheap food. And so, as a result, let's start off with some cheap food. What have you got for us today? Paul, I've been warning you

that this moment is going to happen. I'm just going to say it. Don't touch me! I'm going to say... No! Naughty Eli. Two words, Paul. Yeah?

Two words... Go on....that are going to say, no. Naughty Eli. Two words, Paul. Yeah. Two words. Go on. That are going to haunt me from my own there. Come on. Strawberry crisps. I have strawberry flavoured mocha fucking chips. What is all this about? Mummy fucker put the feel up my mum's penis.

What are you talking about? You fucking idiot. I've lost it. Mate, I've done a Lipo V10 energy drink and I'm starting to feel the Right, good.

Well, in that case can you please reveal Paul Yes. I don't think you understood me when I said strawberry flavoured crisps.

And I understood when you say mummy fucker bit. I remember all that bit as well. Listen monkey fucker Strawberry flav remember all that bit as well this is monkey fucker strawberry flavoured crisps Paul yeah I know I'm going to go get them

I'm going to go get them now go strawberry flavoured crisps go strawberry flavoured crisps yes we've established the flavour and the format of snack

so he fishes inside of his bag now he's pulling out the crisps oh here you go Paul describe what you see here well first of all what do you see by a company called lays or in this country walkers and they must be the biggest crisp manufacturer on the planet now if i was just looking at this from across the room i saw it i'd see the pink and i'd think oh it's prawn cocktail flavor exactly the same pink as on your british packets of walkers prawn cocktail flavored crisp

and yet if i bring it closer to mine eye, what's this I see on the packet describing the flavour visually? Why, it's a strawberry! These were purchased for me for this very purpose of tasting in the Cheap Eats section of this podcast, Paul. It's amazing. It's amazing. So, I mean, I can't understand any of the writing, but I presume it just says strawberry. And there's a little heart that might say lovely crisps. I can't understand any of the writing, but I presume it just says strawberry. And there's a little heart that might say, lovely crisps.

I don't know. Love your crisps. Love these crisps. Shall I open them? Go for it. I want a sniff. I want the sniff reaction. It smells very strawberry,

but it's also got that potato-y kind of scent as well. May I? Yeah. It's also got that potato-y kind of scent as well. May I? Yeah. It's also candy floss-y, almost. Oh, man. That's not good. I mean, I'm not repulsed by it. Literally, that smells exactly like what it is, doesn't it?

Yeah. It smells like a strawberry-flavoured potato crisp. Like if you've got a strawberry chew-it or a strawberry-boiled sweet. It's got that kind of scent to it. Yes, it's sort of an artificial strawberry flavour. A strawberry scent to it. Yes, it's sort of artificial strawberry flavour. Right, being a strawberry scent. Absolutely. Now, here's the other thing

I will say. Big bag. Not many crisps inside. They must have settled during transit. So, let's have a dip and have a taste. Alright?

Yes. I'm going to try the first one. That's fucking horrible. I mean It's not like I'm going to retch But It's just not right Is it? Is it sweet?

Yeah Very very sweet It's a sweet crisp It's an unusual flavour I'm going to go in I couldn't That is not a good reaction from you. What on earth possessed them?

I don't know. It's, I mean, don't get me wrong. God loves a trier. My God, that is so nasty. But it's not, they've gone full fledged. It's sweet. Very sweet. And it tastes of strawberries.

Very. That's kind of strawberry flavour. Yeah. But it's just a crisp. It is just a crisp. That is nasty. Do you know what it reminds me of? Being at a children's party and having some ready salted.

Yeah. And then having some jelly or something afterwards. Afterwards. And the tastes kind of meld in your mouth. They've done that just in one crisp. I need to have a little test again. I need to have

another little test. For me, Paul, that just does not work. Yeah, it does not work. It just does not work. It's the mixture of a confectionery with a savoury product.

It doesn't work. Call me, you know, stuck up, but for me, that does not work. It's bitter as well. It's sweet, but almost bittersweet.

It's really horrible. It's just... I mean, it tastes exactly like what you might expect it to taste like if they made a strawberry-flavoured crisp. Yeah. Well, that's not going on our leaderboard of crisps. It certainly isn't.

It's nowhere near it. Don't get us wrong, ladies and gentlemen. That is coming soon. You would have had it in this episode, but we forgot to get the crisp in question. The ultimate cheap show, Crisp League. The official Crisp League. And will become gospel.

And it will be gospel to anyone. Anyone. What we're going to do, Paul, is we're laying down a framework by which anyone in future generations and maybe in the far future, when crisps are only a... A memory. A forgotten archetype of food before in the future when they all just have little pills little food pellets

yeah which you put up your bum yeah why would you eat up your ass out of interest that's more that's the way that work because how would you digest anything you absorb the reason why the body works the way it works is that So why they're all up break it all down. Sorry. I'm going to have to science school you now. Oh are you going to

Is Eli taking Paul to science school? I've got my fucking Paul's got his hat on and his little school satchel And Paul better get his fucking body out. I'm going to get my body out.

You better get your body out. No don't actually get your body out. Stop with the real life doing things. I like to make this show real. Okay. If you don't want to see my lovely bot,

let me science school you. Which has been rated quite highly by ladies and older gentlemen in its time that I think it stands as one of the best bottoms in the world. All right, whatever. Your bum's nice, okay? Thank you. Anyway, with that in mind, school me. Have you heard, let me just ask you this rhetorical

and slightly condescending question. Are you going to say the word suppository? Yes. Have you heard of that? Yes. Why do you think they work? Because you stick them up your arse. You absorb shit through your arse cavity.

Yeah, but surely in those instances though, the suppository works for a part of the body that has to improve. No, it just goes into your bloodstream. So why do they take, why is suppository rated over just a pill then? Are they faster acting? It's a cultural thing.

Yeah? In France, you're more likely to get it as a suppository. Say if you go and... So I had a headache. They would give me a suppository. Basically, yes. They just love it in France. What, having headaches?

Sticking drugs up your arse. Really? Yeah. If you're a French listener, and I know we do have them, do you like things up your arse? Medicine up your arse. Do you like medicine up your arse. Really? Yeah. If you're a French listener, and I know we do have them, do you like things up your arse? Medicine up your arse. Do you like medicine up your arse? Like on a spoon, like here it comes.

It's like a larger pill which is sort of streamlined to go up the arse. I've only had a suppository once in my life. I have never done that. Oh. But, yes. But indeed. In fact, it's very efficient

absorber but it wouldn't work for food though right well you couldn't put like a Mars bar up there no I'm not saying you put a Mars bar you couldn't

I don't think you could could you make a pill that had everything you needed to get by why not yes well no you couldn't have everything you needed

but that's why I'm talking about the future when they have discovered how to feed your arse but then what would our mouths be for your mouth would be sewn shut at birth

with a seal gun Eli's dystopian future because we will be communicating through a computer interface on our we'll have speakers on our heads and we'll be

communicating through a computer interface that you can create your own voice there but they sew the mouth shut okay Eli I'm hungry are you doing your

right stick it up me arse stick it. Okay, Eli, I'm hungry. Are you doing your rave? Sticking up me ass. Sticking up me ass. Mummy, I'm hungry. And then she sort of gapes. Oh, God. What's going on? Daddy wants a full roast dinner.

Daddy wants roast dinner pill. It's a pill up your ass. Oh. Open your ass. What's for dessert? It's another pill up your arse Oh, it's just pills then Strawberry crisp flavour

Right, that's good That was a very witty segment of the show But, I just also wanted to mention Yeah People also Yeah They mess with the arse As you know

I've had my arse played with Medically, I have Okay, medically played with Yeah Well, it's true But my arse played with. Medically, I have. Okay, medically played with. Yeah. That's true. But, have you not heard these stories? When I was in my teens,

I felt like a muppet half the time, then were timed doctor's hand dropping. Really? Yeah. You had some bum problems. Okay. But, have you not heard some people have... Am I not saying butt, by the way?

I'm very sensitive. Butt's a problem. Oh! Sorry. Go on. Go on. Have you not heard about people putting booze up their arse and dying? Yeah. That's a problem. But all... Go on. Go on. Have you not heard about people putting booze

up their arse and dying? Yeah. That's because it absorbs quicker. It absorbs more effectively and quicker. And then those same dickheads hear that, oh, if you do a vodka shot

to your eye, you do it as well. But that's completely factually incorrect. But they're the same fucking cunts who eat the Tide pods. You know,

those washing detergent pods. Yeah. No offence, but if you think that's a good idea, genuinely do it. Because we don't need you in our species. Yeah, we don't need you. That sounds a bit like a Nazi would say, something like that. Well, maybe I'm a little bit Nazi then.

Right, go on. Is that it? No. We've got to do the next part of Cheap Beats. I also wanted to mention, so people have died by putting a bottle of wine up their arse. Yeah. So just be careful.

Chug, chug, chug, chug. Yeah, okay. No, you actually have been fucking dead. Yeah, I know. Alcohol poisoning. Don't put booze up your arse. Do not put booze up your arse. All crisps.

Speaking of booze. And sometimes people put, last thing on this, ecstasy tablets up their arse. That can't be a good idea. Again, it gets you going. Have you done that? No. Would you try that? I would try this. Yeah. Ecstasy tablets up their arse. That can't be a good idea. Again, it gets you going. Have you done that? No.

Would you try that? I would try that. Yeah? Can I be the person to administer it? No. I like to put a little tab on my shoe and just fucking kick you hard up the arse. That would start off the experience in a good way.

As you slap John Lane on the head. Right. So, with booze in mind, let's move on to the next section of cheap eats, which is cheap drinks. Oh, yeah. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap drinks. So, it's often said that, you know, cheap booze, like tramp, trampane, you know. Is that what they call it?

Well, no. Peter Sterefanovic, I think, called it that. Like, he called special brew trampane. Nice. Very witty. Very witty. He's a witty man. He's's a very much wittier than us although anyway did i tell you i've told you that story about when i insulted him in front of his brother at a party no you insulted peter serafanovic yeah how i said you're a big tall unfunny he wasn't there his brother was there right and i didn't realize how close they were. Yeah. But we mentioned this because he had a show out at the time.

Yeah. The Peter Serafanovitz show. Show, yeah. And I said, oh, it received mixed reviews. That's all I said, literally. It's received mixed reviews, which it had. I believe so. I don't know.

I enjoyed it. And he didn't want to talk to me for the rest of the evening. I was a leper at that party. Eli Silverman, the person who ousts himself continuously from comedy social circles. God, I really do. By having an opinion. Yeah. That's your problem. You have an opinion on comedy. Yeah. Fuck them

and their world of stand-up, Paul. We're doing a podcast that's listened to by a few hundred people. A few thousand people. Oh, yeah. Say that again and I'll rub my tip. We are listened to by thousands few hundred people. A few thousand people. Oh, yeah. Say that again and I'll rub my tip. We are listened to by thousands of people. God almighty. Right.

Anyway, we're doing booze. Booze. That's fucking booze. So we couldn't find any special brew, but we could find two of the well-known cheap boozers. Now, you say cheap. When we bought these today they were £2.50 each.

Yes, but if you look we're looking now at a Skull. Skull Super this is. Yeah. Now Skull is like a very 80s brand.

When I think of Skull I think of the 70s and 80s. Yes. Remember the advert was like Skull, Skull, Skull because they ripped off the spam.

Yeah. Because they ripped off the spam. Didn't they have Hager the Horrible was actually their mascot. I believe so. If I find an advert for Skull I'll put it in the show Yeah, because they ripped off the spam sketch. Didn't they have Hager the Horrible was actually their mascot? I believe so.

If I find an advert for Skull, I'll put it in the show right now. Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull, Skull to see you now drinking song um I've forgotten the words um skull skull skull so skull yeah go on skull super so it's um

I think it used to be considered reasonable but then it it's one of these beers that was like just fell out of favour and everyone just realised

it's shit like Carlsberg for example Carlsberg was trying to be sort of all posh and what you realise after a while is Carsberg is the worst

kind of piss that you possibly could buy are Karlsberg the people who say if Karlsberg made no that is no that's Karlsberg

isn't it if Karlsberg made I'm thinking of Carling I'm thinking of Carling I take it back Karlsberg the reason why I say Karlsberg is probably

the best beer in the world probably not UK makes Carling or they certainly own Scarling I take it back, Carlsberg. The reason why I say it is because Carlsberg is probably the best beer in the world. Probably not, actually. Carlsberg, UK, makes Skoll. Or they certainly own Skoll now. Oh, Carlsberg owns Skoll. And it's called a strong lager of the highest quality. And it's 8% volume lager.

Now, you were complaining that it wasn't particularly cheap. But it's 8%. That's what you have to think. It's very strong. So that's stronger than most wine you can buy well no most wines are in the sort of uh 12 to 14 so it's not quite there so what is this comparable to with alcohol levels that nothing really it's in a strong beer is in a whole sort of level of its own which is around the 10 level oh god it smells like i tell what it smells like i mean it smells like lager. I'm not being an idiot, but it also smells like

when I used to go to the British Legion Club with my nan and grandparents or parents in the 80s. That stale beer smell. That stale beer smell with the can of cigarette

on the table, the cigarette ashtrays on the table. The burnt ashtrays. And the old cardboard, you know, beer mats. And going to the loo and there's some guy

who's taking a piss but he's got a semi and he looks at you. And he's been there for four hours and he hasn't actually joined the party ato and there's some guy who's taking a piss, but he's got a semi and he looks at you. And he's been there for four hours and he hasn't actually joined the party at all. And he's just always in there. Just with his big engorged willy. That didn't happen to me. So anyway, I'm going to pour some of this out.

So Skol and same to you. Just less for me, please. Just less. It's got a foamy head to it. It's got a good head. This doesn't have a widget to you. Just less for me, please. Just less? It's got a foamy head to it. It's got a good head. It doesn't have a widget to it. Remember, it used to have widgets. Like, Orbea was really into widgets in the 90s.

I think it was mainly for stout, though. It was for Guinness, wasn't it? They had the widget. So it's got a nice colour to it. I'll give it that. It's got a decent normal colour. Normal lager colour, yeah. I mean, let's be honest, it looks like piss.

It's got a nice foamy head. Almost smells a bit like... It smells bad. No, I don't think it smells bad. I think it smells like shandy. You know when you make... Yeah, it's that shit. Like lager tops.

It's got a very sort of cheap, alcoholy, like the alcohol sort of is evaporating off it. Do you know what I mean? I get the impression it goes flat real quick, this as well. Oh, God, it's awful. Right, shall we try it? Yeah, go ahead. He's taking a good sip, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh God. This is going to be the good one. I think Tendon Super is the worst. I mean, spoilers, but that's what we're getting to. But that wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm going in. It has more of a flavour than most shit lager, though.

Oh, you're not happy. Oh, that's so bad, man. What do you think's bad about it? It's the sweetness of the alcohol. Maybe that's why I like it, because it's sweet. Yeah, I think that's why you like it. Because a lot of the lagers that I don't like just taste really flat. It has no sharpness.

It's got a syrupy mouthfeel, for one. Paul. Skol, skol, skol, skol, skol. could just taste really flat it has no sharpness it's got a syrupy mouth feel for one Paul skull skull skull skull skull do not fucking alright

just the sex episode's coming up you know just take it easy and who gets touchy feely when they get drunk you do look

I'm already a tenting I was gonna say yeah I wanted you to sort of sign some kind of document to say if you get all touchy-feely yeah you know that you're responsible little shop little shop of horrors yeah i think that's very

nasty very foamy look at the foam on that it's very foamy i mean it works as lager i guess it is lager but it is lager it's got a very syrupy thick almost mouth feel the consistency of it you know what I'm saying and then all you get is the kind of very horrible sweetness

of the booze and there's nothing on the back end the back of the flavour is sort of just weak you can taste the strength in it though I think

yes you can taste that sweetness it's almost like petrally. Yes. It's got that kind of fume to it. Yeah, it's the alcohol. Fumes.

It's just raw alcohol, basically, that they've just stuck in. And... God. It's nasty stuff, isn't it? Yeah, it's nasty stuff. Imagine this was warmer as well. It's utter ball wash, man. I mean, it does say...

Serve cold on this. Yeah, it should say serve just below freezing. It says on the side, Skull Super is a full-bodied strong lager with a characteristic fruity aroma.

It is fruity. Yeah, they try and say fruity, but in fact, that's the smell of ethanol. I know you have your requirements for booze. And I'm not a big drinker because I'm a lightweight and blah, blah, blah. Yes.

But I think I would rather have that than a tin of Carlsberg. Stella, Carlsberg. Or certainly, yeah, Stella. I don't like Stella at all. I find it really kind of anemic tasting. It's very... Again, with Stella, my problem is it's syrupy. And that's the problem I have with this.

Actually... I don't find that syrupy, personally. That is not very nice beer, I'd say. But it wasn't actually. Having had a couple of sips, I think you've got lovely breasts. All the beer goggles are out. No, I can actually feel that getting me drunk.

You know? Yeah. From two sips, I can feel the alcohol. That is strong lager. So, with that in mind... What else was I going to say? So, I was going to say something else. We're not that pissed already.

It's all foam. I've drank all the drink, but it's just the foam. The taste of that is like, again, a sort of unprocessed yeast. Do you know what I mean? It's got a yeast... Paul is really going for it. Paul is really down in that shit now. Good.

I like when Richie Rich at bottom gets strong. Can he go... I can feel it in me. Yeah, it's not great. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying this is delicious. I'm saying I thought it was going to be much worse. Okay.

And I'm surprised. going to be much worse. Okay. And I'm surprised. Get ready for much worse. Let's go on to much worse. I remember Tenant Super is what we used to buy as children. Yeah. Because you could get pissed off a couple of cans, especially when you're 12. It is the kind of drink you would get

because we didn't get the chance to i think maybe future on down the line we'll try the ciders the scrumpy jacks and the diamond whites and all that kind of stuff okay yeah now the next one is they tenant denoted david tenant doctor who tenants super this is a classic again it's 8% in terms of booze. Now, I believe as well that Tenant Super used to be 12%. Really? Yes. Fuck me. And then someone said, people are killing themselves with your product.

Yeah, it does have the words, please drink responsibly, a massive font on the front of this. See, it's the same as the Skull Super. But the Skull can doesn't have so much emphasis on drinking responsibility. True. And look at that, it says serve ice cold. I mean, it's been in the fridge, it is cold. This is a can that is self-aware.

This can knows that it's for alcoholics and unless it is at fucking zero Kelvin, it's disgusting as shit. Yeah, because I imagine that at room temperature. It should say chill by taking to deep space. zero Kelvin it's disgusting as shit. Yeah because I imagine that at room temperature. It should say chill by taking

to deep space. Please have it in a vacuum. You know what I mean? Put it on the fucking space station and then fucking retrieve it.

That surprised me by how much I thought it was going to be nasty but actually It wasn't as nasty as you thought. It's pleasant

but It's not pleasant. It's more pleasant than I thought it was going to be. It's drinkable. Drinkable. Especially if it was colder, it would be drinkable. Yeah, but at room temperature, that would be vile. Yeah, now...

Same for this. Now, we're going to crack this bitch open. Crack Lieutenant Super open. What's the smell? Already it smells... Smells worse? It smells like anemic. I want to say it smells weaker. Now, this is really... Just the thought of it is making me want to retch, because it smells... Smells worse? It smells like anemic. I want to say it smells weaker.

Now this is really... Just the thought of it is making me want to retch because it's... It's a little lighter, but not too much. It's still got that hot piss colour to it. But it smells less fruity aroma. It doesn't have that sort of booze coming off it. The sort of ethanol. Maybe they've changed it.

I don't know. It's been a long time since you've had it and I've never had this before. You know what? It does remind me though of the smell of Edinburgh. And that is from Edinburgh,

isn't it? That is the tenants, is the one. Is that the smell that you smell when you get off the station? That multi-hops kind of thing? Oh, I didn't know that because it's always weird

that when you get to Edinburgh, the first thing you notice is the smell of the hops. It's kind of reassuring, isn't it? It's the smell. And then, after about an hour or so, you just never smell that again. Yeah. Because you become acclimatised to it.

So I'm going to pour some of this shit. Here we go. I'm feeling a bit oof. Yeah? Feeling a bit oof? I don't think we should have done this before we had to do a whole other episode, Paul. Of sex. Sexy, sexy sexy sexy

jesus right here we go here we go now some of that less frothy a lot less froth on this and as a froth meister i like a lot of froth skull gave me the froth i wanted this less froth now it's a froth off here we go blow a froth-off. Here we go. Blow the froth off. You've got some spoth-off. All right, Paul, sorry. I've got to take this one again now. Taste it again. You've ruined the scientific... I'm not going to say anything froth-based whilst you sit.

Okay, here we go. Yeah, is it worse? It's a little worse. Oh! Yeah. Is it worse? It's a little worse. It's like the skull. Yeah. But like weaker. In terms of flavour, less flavour. It's ever so slightly less flavour, but it's still got that kind of rich, slightly fruity.

It's the alcohol. It's the high alcohol. Yeah. Is that what makes it fruity then? The alcohol? That of rich, slightly fruity... It's the alcohol. It's the high alcohol. Yeah. Is that what makes it fruity, then? The alcohol? That the alcohol makes it fruity? Oh, that's just not nice. It's not great.

I think I prefer the skull. Yeah, I think I prefer the skull. I mean, they were both about the same, about two pound... I want to say two pound forty, something like that. But you get half a litre. They're half litre.

They're 500ml tins. Is that your money's worth, do you think? If you're... It's got glucose syrup in it. See, I told you, it's sweet. Water, malt barley, glucose syrup, hops. And what does that have? Taste the tenants.

I don't think it's got... Has that got glucose in it as well? Bear with me. It just says contains malted barley. It probably doesn't have the glucose. Maybe that's why it's a little less sweet. It is less sweet, but it is no less disgusting. Really?

I actually think I prefer the skull. The skull would... If I want to get drunk for cheap, skull probably. I'd get some Glenn's vodka. I mean, yeah. I mean, obviously, if the parameters are you don't have to buy this fucking book, then yeah, fair enough.

This is for a very particular kind of getting pissed. Look, it's sitting in a park on a bench. You don't want it all to go at once because then you've shot your load.

You know what I mean? You don't want to just down a bottle of vodka. But if you got a four pack of that, that's your night. It's utterly munted. And it's a problem in this country, Paul.

Oh, God. Fucking hell. It's coming. Oh, and now I can taste the crisps in that. Oh, God, that's not pleasant at all. What, are you beginning to feel a bit wuzz? I am feeling really wuzz. You shouldn't have downed it, mate.

Down in one. That's some terrible stuff I'm not having any more I'm not going to be able to do another one guys I'm going to drink it I'm going to drink them both Drink them both Drink them both

Both Both Just as long as you don't get all touchy weeby Alright okay I will promise you right now That I won't touch you Okay Unless you give me the sign

Right Crisps Look at those crisps. Out of ten. Fucking. Two. They're just bizarre. Two. How could you actually make a machine?

You couldn't get through a bag of that. But why are they manufactured then, Paul? Maybe it's a cultural thing. Maybe sweet snacks are more... Sweet and savoury. Acceptable. It's a thing they do. Well, they do have those meat, sort of candied meat products as well. Well, there you go. Which are very sweet and savoury acceptable it's a thing they do yeah yeah well they do have those

meat sort of candied meat products as well which are very sweet and savoury Britain is very much a kind of you're either in a

savoury camp or you're in a sweet camp this muddies the water and also you know what it reminds me of in Japan

yeah they do have chocolate sauce on chips don't they yeah yeah I mean it's not crazy like chocolate covered

pretzels kind of straddle the same line. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, salted caramel. Okay, so Skull and Tenet were both not a huge fan of. Which one would you buy if you had to buy one or the other?

Just because Tenet Super has so many bad connotations from my childhood of vomiting, basically. It reminds me of vomiting into a bush. The taste of it

you know alright good so I would go for the skull I think you'd go for the skull as well it was it tastes a bit better it tastes a bit better it tastes

yeah which is your bottom line attendance has nothing right and now we're going to move on to our final section of the show which I thought would be a bit amusing

a bit of fun a little bit of fun what about the I'm getting to it now that's the final bit of this show no I mean we're doing that bit but it's the final bit of this show. No, I mean, we're doing that bit, but it's the final bit of this cheap...

Of Cheap Eats! You can tinker with that little toss pot. He said the show. Oh, well, then I just... Shall I do it, Paul? Yeah. Because you've obviously

had a few too many. Now, ladies and gentlemen... Please host responsibly. We are getting to the end of the Cheap Eats section. And what have we got for the end of this section of the show?

Not the last bit of the show as Paul may have led you to believe. Right, okay. So, I went to B&M and I was buying cat food for my little kitty Riley. Bumming and masturbating?

Really? I know we're a lowbrow show by and large. I get that. I've come to accept that our humour is very much in the scatological realm. What about this, Paul? Yeah? Bumming and murm large. I get that. I've come to accept that our humour is very much in the scatological realm.

What about this, Paul? Yeah? Bumming and murmuring. Yeah, good. No, that's not your laughing. No, I want to hear you say, do the bumming and murmuring. Bummering, murmuring. No.

Bumming, murmuring. I want you to play it out. I'll do it. Yeah, go on. Uh, uh, uh. All right? Okay, I get it. That's what I'm after. All right. I'll do it yeah go on alright that's what I'm after alright

bit of fucking bit of fucking action these podcasts are so long because we go on so many fucking tangents it's good crazy anyway

I went to B&M what is B&M it's a what the fuck is it Paul it's a place where you buy food and items and shopping cheaper

so you can get like a nice duvet for you know seven qu. So you can get a nice duvet for seven quid or you can get cat food for two pounds when it usually costs you four pounds. It's like a pound store, is it? It's like there's a place up north we have Home Bargain.

Similar to that. It's the southern version of it, I think, buying large. It's just a kind of discount store where you buy off-brand products but also like Poundland it's kind of accumulated more of a kind of brand anyway. So you can buy

Snickers, and you can buy Mars bars, you can buy Duracell, all the recognisable brands, but also the knock-off stuff next to it for a similar price. I went for the shop, for the pet shop, and I was buying cat food for my cat, and I saw on a shelf these. And it was interesting

because what we're going to drink tonight is specifically for animals to drink. But it is booze, quote unquote booze, for animals.

We have, we'll start off with this one. I don't know, what do you want? A or B? A or B? B. Right, we're going to start off with B,

which is, it's booze for a dog. It's not booze though It's not, because you'd kill an animal if you gave it booze Well, some do drink a little bit, don't they? You shouldn't give pets booze at all Or coffee Or coffee?

Yeah, I don't believe coffee Or chocolate Yeah, you can't That's why they have pet versions of that stuff Dog chocolate God almighty, that fucking tenant Anyway, there is booze for pets And they have for dogs It's pretend booze for pets dog chocolate god almighty that fucking tenons anyway there is

booze for pets and they have for dogs it's pretend booze for pets pretend booze for pets they have this thing

and it's called bottom sniffer beer for dogs and it says this give your dog real tail swagger with this non-alcoholic

non-carbonated doggy beer this ultimate doggy refreshment will help your dog, leader of the pack, and will have other dogs sniffing their bottoms with jealousy.

Alcohol-free, brewed in the UK, served as a drink or over food. So... Oh, come on. It's water to stick on your fucking pedigree chum. So let me just read what else it says on this. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

The average dog note is up to 100,000 times more sensitive than ours and sniffing each other's bottoms is just a doggy hello. Okay, we know this. This is such bullshit. It's no coincidence that our brew contains dandelion and burdock full of nostalgia in beer-type refreshment. They, along with other herbs, add a touch of goodness to help create the unique taste and aroma.

Bottle Sniffer is alcohol-free and non-carbonated, but it offers the chance to share your beer experience with your best pal. Fucking bullshit. The dog can have some fucking water while I drink, and it can not go on my bed, and do you know what I mean? So I'm going to open Bottle Sniffer. It gets walkies. What else does it fucking want, Paul? Boozies.

Woof, woof, woof, bark. Woof, woof, woof, bark. Woof, woof, woof, bleh. I might not want to drink this. I'll tell you what, ladies and gentlemen. I might not want to drink this. What you just missed there is Paul has sniffed the bottoms up dog beer. Bottom sniffer. Bottom sniffer, dog's beer.

Oh, my. His nose is. Sniff that. Oh, no. Sniff that. Oh, no. Really... Sniff that. Oh no. Sniff that. Oh no. Really? Sniff it.

I'm gone. I'm going to get a cup. Right. Now, the nose report on the dog beer is not good. It's not good.

It's got a distinctly faecal smell. It's got a fucking horrible smell to good. It's not good. It's got a distinctly fecal smell. It's got a fucking horrible smell to it. It smells of shit. It smells of shit and dog food. Yeah, it's got...

Yeah, that's... I don't think I can do this. Pour it. It's extremely ripe and pooey. Oh, I can't do it. What colour is that? I think they've made it

meat flavours. The dog likes it. What colour is that? I think they've made it meat flavours. The dog likes it. It looks like cloudy lemonade. I'm going to taste this. I will taste it, but I'm warning you now. I will only taste a very small bit of that. Go on, Paul. Do not doubt that.

No. I'll be taking delicate sips of this. Take one delicate sip. Mate, I'm actually quite scared. I can't actually. Don't smell it. Hold your nose. You're going to have to

take a little sip, Paul. I'm holding my breath. All right. I don't know if I can. I don't think Paul can do it. You can't do it, Paul. No. I will do it.

No, you don't have to do it. That was a proper gag reaction. I know, I saw you. Paul is having trouble keeping breakfast down. Paul is having trouble keeping the... Sausage pudding. Sausage burger with raw onions. Okay, hit it.

Here we go. I'm going to taste it. Oh, God. Yes, that is one of the worst things we've ever had on the show it's lemony paul is it i'm just thinking about it it's bitter lemony but it smells why can't i stop this gag reflex it's so fucking awful oh god that's so bad have you got water yeah there's water i want to try this but i'm really afraid of being vitally sick right now. It's sour. It's the smell.

I know. It's not, but let me tell you. It doesn't taste like the smell. It doesn't taste like the smell. It's so bad, isn't it? Paul, you'll be all right. Paul, take a deep breath now Paul oh no

I'll tell you what this is the worst thing we've ever done I think it is oh god I mean we've tasted some bad stuff on the show before

that smells it smells like that squid-flavoured double bubble. It smells like those jelly bonies. It's tough because you're right. The flavour is just like really bitter lemon. Sort of. Kind of.

Sort of sour. But it's the smell that offsets it. It's got a beefy... It smells like dog vomit. It smells like that chunky dog vomit yeah yeah and mate that is easily the worst thing i've put in my mouth on this show and that is saying something well paul to be fair it isn't designed for human consumption you're right yeah you're right but still fuck me now can the cat wine be worse than that?

So I think we might, I'm hoping that we got the worst one out of the way. It's got beer wort in it. I don't even know what beer wort is. It's got beer wort from concentrate, probably some kind of herb. That tastes of beer. God. It makes you fucking appreciate the skull a lot more. I won't say that.

It makes you appreciate the taste of your own mouth when it hasn't got that in. So part two is Prosecco. it is a wine for cats again it says that no i don't believe it is it's alcohol free no grapes because you can't give a cat grapes it's deadly to give cats grapes i did not know that yeah i know it can kill them a grape can kill a cat yeah i mean not like by throwing at it i mean if they eat it, yeah. If you had a good enough gauge shotgun. Oh, actually, it says for cats and dogs, this. So there you go.

Pet House White, a healthy herbal infusion of elderflower, linseed blossom, and ginseng. Serve over food for the perfect au jus. Now, this might be all right. But, as you know, it's been recently discovered cats and other large predators of the same ilk cannot taste sweet. There is no evolutionary need for them to... No, why would they? No, to taste sweet, because they eat the flesh of animals. That's a cap. That's handy, because I do not have a corkscrew.

Right, so it looks like wine, doesn't it? Let's get a bit of a blurb on this Prosecco, Paul. Okay, so, again, it's a wine for pets. Prosecco has been crafted, has been created,

sorry, with the advance, I'll say that again. Prosecco has been created with the advice of veterinary experts and taste tested by dogs and cats

with our feline friends and dearest doggies giving it up, giving it their palatability and a pause up. Fuck off. Me. Not you. Designed to pour over food, making the perfect au jus.

Is it purr-fect though? Purr-fect. Is it spelled like that? Yeah. They can fuck off with their pun-filled bullshit. they can fuck off with their pun filled bullshit and while we're on the subject Paul I just want to say

how much again I deeply deeply hate those Tesco's ads which has their thing you know the person you know the one

now I know which one you're getting at with like Mikey's winning potato fritters or Jenny's is it for one or is it for two because I'm a beast

fucking eggs yeah we know we know how aware you are of this subject matter at hand. I know. I hate that ad campaign. I know. Oh, it's Terry's.

I'm a fucking cuddly, non-threatening cunt. Bacon sandwich. Yeah, we get it, all right. Fucking hell. Oh, it's Jenny's. Oh, I'm a bit overweight and I work in fucking accounts and I've pissed myself because I've got an adult nappy folksy egg fan.

So, smell it. It actually smells of quite pleasant elderflowery stuff. This is going to, it's not going to be. Have a sniff.

It doesn't smell horrible at all compared to that. Oh yeah, it smells like dandelion and burdock or elderflower cordial. There's no gag going off with Paul. Not at all.

So far, this is the... I'm glad, actually, we got that cunt out of the way. Because that... Mate, even the thought of that is making me horribly bad. Oh, here we go. It's for cats. And dogs. It tastes... is it sweet

no it tastes like elderflower and water it just has a kind of that is that I mean

put that on some ice I'd actually fucking drink a glass of that I mean yeah it's you want a bit of sweetness a little

because it's not sweet because obviously as you said what's the point but it has got that slightly elderflower-y... It tastes like a very, very watered-down dandelion and burdock

or elderflower culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That, yeah. That is drinkable, whereas the bottom sniff of beer for dogs... Might be the most fucking awful thing. It's not good. I keep sniffing it. Oh, it's so fecal.

It's so fecal. And with that, we can finally end. Let's not. We need scores for all of this. Crisps, two out of ten. Dog drink. Minus a billion horrible points. Skol a billion horrible points.

Skol. Out of 10. Five. You go halfway? Yeah. That. Ten into super. Three.

Elderflower. Three. Because it's not great but it's not make you retch your spine out. Again, and I'll keep going

back to this but that is not for human consumption. I know but that is not for human consumption. I know, but this isn't for human consumption, really. But we drink it. I could trick a friend into drinking this. How much was it? Actually, not too expensive.

I think it was like £1.50 for this bottle. Do you think we could buy a load of that Prosecco and then go to Latitude Festival? Ooh, it's... Ooh, it's... Organic. It's artisanal. It's artisanal. It's artisanal. Dandelion and burdock squeezings.

Health medicine. Drink the squeezings. Mouth. Four pounds. Health elixir. Four pounds. Five pounds. Five pounds.

Six pounds and you have to buy a cup. Twenty pounds and I'll shove it up your arse for you. You can absorb it. Out of all the things we've tasted, what was the best? Sculpt. Yeah. I mean, those crisps are just weird. What would you rate them? Point them. I gave them points. Out of ten the things we've tasted, what was the best? Skull. Yeah. I mean, those crisps are just weird. What would you rate them?

Point them. I gave them points. Out of 10? Yeah. The crisps, I would give two, like I said. Bottom sniffer. Anti-points. Bottom sniffer is off the bottom of the scale.

I mean, it's not for human consumption, and it smells like the worst shit. It's the worst. It's dog vomit. And arse. Skull ass better than you thought it was gonna be it was i'll give it a six maybe actually okay okay six that was ten at super four i did not like ten at super okay and porsecco three i mean all right okay so what we've learned today is don't drink dog drinks could have told you that. Right, it's board game time, ladies and gentlemen.

In the show, we like to go to the charity shops of Great Britain and pick a board game up for pencil pounds and give it a go. Now, when I found this board game, I was so happy. Why is that, Paul? Because it was literally cheap as chips. Because I think it was two quid. It was three quid.

Is that really that cheap? Yeah, considering this probably went for like 20 quid originally. Okay. I bought, based on the hit BBC TV show, Bargain Hunt, the board game. The board game. And it's very exciting because now me and you get to go head to head and see if we can be the real bargain hunters.

Which one of us is the king of tat or which one is the massive twat? What about the Archduke of Antiques? I don't know him. Do you know him? I'm the Archduke of Antiques. I'm a little bit drunk, by the way. You've been drinking high-strength lager.

And dog beer, so you know. So I played this to test it out see how complicated it is and luckily it's not that complicated it's more based on managed to uh explain the rules yes i'll do my very best okay so um the board is the basic game is you pick three items right and you auction them and you try and make a profit just Just like the TV show. Just like the Bargain Hunt. Just like the TV show Bargain Hunt, where two teams go around the charity, you know, a thrift shop,

or an antique store, or an antiques market, and they try on a budget to try and find the best deals and get more money on them in the auction. Yes. Stop looking at me

as if I'm about to fuck up. You are. I'm not. Let me just say, this is from the first, must be from the first few series when it was a big hit, Bargain Hunt, because it's got the original presenter. David Dickinson. Featured on it. The Don

of antiques. And he used to say, oh, it's a Bobby Dazzler. Cheap as chips. Which he copyrighted. So me saying cheap as chips, he could sue me. He copyrighted cheap as chips? Yeah, what a fucking orange-skinned cunt. Right? Because he became a bit of a celebrity, didn't he?

He certainly did. With his cold kind of Arthur Daly kind of wheeler-dealer. A bit of a spiv. A throwback to the spivs of the 40s and 50s. But I fucking love Bargain Hunt. In an ideal world, me and you would go on. I absolutely love Bargains. But I fucking love Bargain Hunt. In an ideal world, me and you would go on. I absolutely love Bargain Hunt. We should apply for Bargain Hunt.

I don't know who presents it these days because it used to be that guy who looked like Terry Thomas. Tim Monacot. Is that his name? Yes. And then he left. And now...

Why? I think he had a health problem. Did he kiddle a fiddle? No, he did not kiddle a fiddle. Okay. He was quite elderly and I think he had some health problems. Oh, that's a shame.

He presented it for years. He was great. I liked him because, again, he had that Terry Thomas kind of ding-dong. Yes. He did, in fact, say ding-dong.

Did he? Yeah, he did. Oh, he's lovely. He was a lovely man. And now who presents it? Do you know? They've got a Scottish one of the experts

who's all like, ooh. Oh, now he presents it. Yeah. I'm not that huge guy. You know, like, one of the experts is, like, huge. Yes. It's like he's presents it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not that huge guy. You know, like one of the experts is like huge. Yes. It's like he's all neck.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Not him, but just one of the quite cheerful, fruity Scottish ones. They probably had to audition a lot of experts and they were mostly probably all beige. They've just gone for people who have already appeared on the show a number of times. Okay. And that's what they do. They just sort of shuffle them into the role.

It's not as big a deal as it used to be, is it? Shame. It's been going a while. I think this board game came out in what, like 2003 or something? Yeah, it has been going a number of years. It's a great format. 2004. It's a brilliant format.

It is. And we're going to play the board game version of it made by a company called Upstarts. They made this board game. I saw it in, you know, the Salvation Army we went to. That's where I got this. Again, for like two quid. Bargain. It was three quid, Paul.

What did I keep saying? Two. But I'm pretty sure it was two quid. Where's the box? I don't know, because, I mean, it's there. Look at the box. What does it say on the box? It says three quid.

It says three quid, Doctor. You know, you can't even remember what something you paid for is worth. It's three quid. Yeah, but it means it's not looking good for you to play this game, is it? You can't even remember the actual price you actually paid, and you have to fucking... La, la, la, la, la. My name's Eli, and I like to fucking whatever

whatever wow to have some more beer right I will we're going to have to do a whole other episode Paul yes how are you going to manage it

I told you we shouldn't have done the drinks on the first episode you may be right you may be right so it's funny it's a board game but the board game

doesn't really factor into it it's mostly a dice game this to be fair well a lot of board games are like that aren't they they just have it's a board game, but the board game doesn't really factor into it. It's mostly a dice game, this, to be fair. Well, a lot of board games are like that, aren't they? They just have to put a board in. You have to put a board in. You don't need the fucking board. But ultimately, you don't need the board for this.

It's not like you move around and collect pieces and there's no movement. It's pick cards, roll a dice, get lucky. So, the board is simply sort of a glorified table cover with places where you can stick things. And it's got David Dickinson's face on a card. Now, before we go any further, there are auction event cards. And I'm going to shuffle these now. And all you've got to do is just take one.

You can take one from the top, middle, or bottom. It doesn't really matter. But don't look at it right now. I'm going to take mine from the top. And I'm going to take mine and put that there. Now, here's what happens. You have... In front of me?

No, you have a little card right there. I have a card. I can see the card. Can you see the pencil? I can see the pencil. You have a budget of £500 in this game. Oh, that's a lot more than you get on the show, isn't it? Much more. They get £100 each.

It must have gone down then. It used to be £200, didn't it? No, I think they got £100 on normal episodes, but sometimes they get 300. Oh! Depends on how big the auction room is, I think. Anyway, you have a budget of £500. Now, the board is laid out where there are lots. So,

one colour of card, which is what I like to call shit curry brown, is a lot one. Lot two. Chip shop curry. Chip shop curry, lot one. Lot number. Chip shop curry. Chip shop curry. Lot one. Lot number two are cards coloured in the kind of terracotta. Terracotta, I'd call that. And then I would say puce for lot three.

Puce for three. So there are your cards. And there are four. There are one, two, three, four, five, six. What they call stalls in this game. And each stall has lot one, lot two, lot three. Okay. There's six on this side here

there's one two three four five six those are the shops so there were six three cards in each shop yeah to start off three all we have to do is each pick a lot one you can pick anyone you want so eli you can go first there are lots of cards and on each card there a lot, an antique on it with a price. Now, lot one is the cheapest. So it's between, I believe, £1 and £50. So have a look around and pick any... That was £90. That's £150. Yeah, because we're looking at lot one, the brown, the chip curry cards right now.

I see. I have to pick one of those. So you right now pick lot one. Anyone you want. It can be... And each one's got a different item on the front of it. There's a Coca-Cola bottle opener. Don't like that.

It's nasty. What's that one? That is a gilt metal enamel and paste bracelet. I like that. Okay, I have here a Baltic piece of amber, which is a piece of amber. This is a Tia Maria plastic advertising figure. Racist.

I have here a Dunsville whiskey enamel tray. And what's the last one? And the last one is a Wedgwood Peter Rabbit clock. Okay, so I have those. Now there's a movie coming out. There is a Peter Rabbit. Peter Rabbit. It doesn't look good.

It looks awful. The reviews have been awful for it. It looks like they've tried to sort of make him like Bart Simpson or something. They've made him wacky. Wacky, yeah. So out of all the lot ones. He's a lettuce thief. Yes.

He needs to be strung up and skinned and eaten. Made into a pie. Have you ever tied rabbit? I've tried rabbit pie. Didn't really like it. So out of all those lots, which one do you want? I would like,

what's that piece of amber there? It's just a piece of amber. It literally just says amber. It says, piece of amber, 40 million years old, from Kaliningrad, Russia, enclosing a large bug. It's 18 quid. Oh, so he's got a bug in. Yeah.

It's not just a piece of amber. All right. It's got a bug. It's 40 million years old. All right. It's got a bug in. All right. It's got a bug in.

Well, if I fucking said to you... It's not fucking Jurassic Park, dickface. Yes, it is. It's not. Right, pick a lot. Which one do you want? Do you think it's Jurassic Park, dickface. Yes, it is. It's not. Right, pick a lot. Which one do you want? Do you think it's Jurassic Park,

the board game? There probably is. There probably has been. I'm going for, if I can pick it up, the gilt metal enamel and paste bracelet. How much does that cost?

1970s. Yeah. By Jay Lane, Kenneth Jay Lane. £48, Paul. £48. It's a nice piece. I like it.

It's disco era. So where it says lot one and how much paid, you will put in the top little corner the price. This is like I have to do homework or something. So put £49 in there.

Lot one, how much paid? Yeah. £48. £48. Write it down. Now, here's where the twist comes in. Okay? So you've got £48,

but now you can haggle with the dealer with the dice. And the dice is the white one. Just the white one for now. Right, I roll this, do I? With the white one, if you get a lot that's between £1 and £25, you don't roll the dice at all. You have to just buy it for what it is.

Well, this is not the case. Exactly. So here's what you can do. You can roll the dice once, and whatever it shows up, because if you look at the dice, it has, it has what on it? It has dealer price, 10 pounds,

dealer price, five pounds. And that's it. Those are your options. Right. So you can roll it once. It's six sided, so it's got two of each of those.

So if you roll the dice and you get a five, you take five pounds off that price or 10. But if you roll a dealer price, you have to pay the full price. You have to pay the dealer price you have to pay the deal price here we go here we go cheap as chips here we go cheap as chips crispy bum flakes yeah good very funny look don't stop stop drinking

10 pounds so you can knock 10 pounds off that what I do here? Just cross it out and then put £38 on. Ah ha ha ha. That will help me make a profit when we go to auction. It will. Right. So now it's time for me to pick from lot one. So pick a curry shop, chip shop, curry shop, chip flavoured chip card. I really like the Coca-Cola thing.

I like it. And I know when you play Bargain Hunt, you shouldn't buy for what you want. You should think about the auction and what you might get, but I'm going to buy a Coca-Cola bottle opener. It's Americana. It's from 1950s, age between 1950s and 1960s. Three inch

and it cost me $30. Pounds. It's 30 pounds. Three inches of cold hard blue steel. So I'm going to roll the dice now and see if I can get some money off this. Shakey, shaky, shaky, shaky, shaky. Here we go.

Shakey dice. 10 pounds. Oh, fuck. So that is now I paid. You do that thing, don't you, where you just drop it.

No, I don't. You cheat. You always say this. You saw me shake it and you saw me roll it. I was just trying to annoy you. Even now, it came up as 10 pounds,

didn't it? Didn't it? Yeah, well, you should add 20. I was just trying to annoy you. Even now, it came up as £10, didn't it? Didn't it? Yeah, well, you should add £20. No. That now costs me £20. I bought that for £20. All right?

All right, we've done that. All right, do we repeat this process now? Now, we go to lot two. So... Which is what? The terracotta? The terracotta colour.

So have a look around the board. So I've got a winch comb pottery jug. Pretty boring. £70. I like this. Carlton Ware. Ooh. Carlton Ware is very good.

Last of ours. But see, that's one of the things they all go mad for and then they don't get a good price because everyone knows it's popular. What's this here, Paul? Let's have a look. It is a photographic postcard depicting the suffragette RP parade and that is £90.

Again, very much topical. Isn't it? Suffragette. Believe it's 100 years to the day that women were allowed to much topical. Suffragette. Believe it's 100 years to the day that women were allowed to vote thanks to the suffragette movement. Yeah. Shouldn't have never done that.

Don't say sex. You rotten titty. Rotten titty? Yeah, rotten titty. That's very insulting to ladies. You're using a tit as an insult. All right. Rotten dicky.

I like women and I believe they should all have a vote and an opinion. I don't think anyone should have a vote. Unless they just talk up a little bit. I don't think anyone should have a vote. No? No. Everyone should die. Well, anyway, the next thing you can get is a horn snuff box.

That is £60. What good is that? Can I put cocaine in it? You could, actually, probably. A sampler by Polly Arthur, which is cross-stitch. It's a horn. It's a horn. Again, that's not PC, is it?

No. It's made of a horn. Yeah, I know, but it's an antique. It's an antique. So you've got a cross-stitch. You know what? I've got the taste of that dog beer in my nose forever. It's horrible.

I can still smell the fucking chunky business of it all. I can't forget it. Right. So that is a cross-stitch sampler. Oh, yeah. So, you know, a bit of fabric. And what's that one? I'm not liking them. You took it at random.

Atkinson's Bears Grease Pot Lid. Oh! It's an old piece of crap. So what are you going to go with? I think I'm going to have to go for the Carlton Wear Buster Vars. How much does that cost? Floral pattern, circa 1930.

I like the design on that, Paul, I have to say. Nice. I know you're not meant to buy what you like, but there you go. All right, so how much did that cost? It's 90. All right, so roll the dice. Now, with it being slightly more expensive, you can roll the dice twice now. However, if you roll...

How come I can roll the dice twice? Because it's lot two, which means you can get more money off. But however, if you roll dealer price on your first or second you have to buy it for the price on the card. I have to get five and ten or ten and ten

or five and five. Five and five, yeah. Or if you get the dealer price you pay what's on the card. What if I get ten first? Can I just decide not to roll again? Yeah. If you wanted to, yeah.

Is that in the rules? That is in the rules. Well, that makes sense. Yeah. It's right in the rules. Here we go. Ten. Ten.

I'm going to leave it there. You're going to leave it there. I'm going to to leave it there. You're going to leave it there. I'm going to fucking leave it there. You're going to leave it there. All right. Okay. So you take £10 off that price, leaving you with what? 50.

80. How much was it? 90. Yes. So that cost you 80 quid. Still pretty steep. No, you have to write it below, not next to. Idiot.

I, what am I going to go for? I'm going to go for the snuff box, actually. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to go for the horse. H to go for the snuff box, actually. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm going to go for the horse hinged checkerboard. Do you take snuff? Yeah. What use is it? You don't take snuff.

I do. Where's the snuff? It's in the box. You haven't bought the box. I'm buying it now. Well, where's your snuff? In the box that I'm about to buy, you fucking wretch. You've got old snuff loose in your pocket.

It's all clotted. It's hinged checkerboard covered inlaid with bone and tortoiseshell. 19th century. So cruel. 8.5 centimetres long. Think of the pool turtles. £60. It says here.

But I'm going to roll Mr and Mrs Dice. Now give it a good fucking roll this time. I am giving it a roll. Steal a price. Oh, steal a price. Suck that.

£60 I pay for that. Fucking pay the full price. I have still less than your price still less well mine's a better item right finally

Mr Eli okay we go for three this is the top money stuff this is the classic we've got a keenamar

toffee tin nice how much is that it's got a picture of Charlie Chaplin on it 110 pounds there what else we've got there silver prize medal

for the Lancashire Farming Society. Fucking hell. This one here is a Clarence Cliff Beehive Honey Pot. That's £210. Everyone gets their quim in a shiver over Clarence Cliff. They get their

rod a froth off. They get a firmageage. Right, okay. Whatever you are. You've got a copper and brass wine cooler. Boring. This one here is a Port Merion ashtray. Decorated with a talisman pattern.

I like an ashtray. Nice. Costly, though. Why are they so pricey, these items? Because these are the top ones. I like an ashtray. Nice. Costly though. Why are they so pricey these items? Because these are the top ones. I've already shown that one. That's the Clowescliff.

I'm not going for that. It's a saturated market. What's that one? And people aren't paying as much for Clowescliff as they used to. Not as much as they used to. There's so many items

on the market. Even in a board game. You know what I mean? Yeah. Will's Woodbine's advertising sign. It's a cigarette advertising sign.

It's got a couple of horses on. Nice. Nothing's jumping out at me. Okay. Nothing's jumping out at me. Okay. Nothing is jumping out at me, Paul. But again, you've still got a budget of £500. You've got lots to play with there.

I'm just going to go for a cheap item here. What's the cheapest item I can get? Well, we've got £210, £160, £140. There's £110 for the Kinamar toffee, which I quite like. I'm going to go for that. So you're going to go for that. Now, again. It's the Charlie Chapman Kinema Toffee tin at 110 circa 1920

now you can roll the dice and you can roll it up to three times ah ah oh yes

but if I get dealer's choice you have to pay the price dealer's price so roll it up to three times £10 off what are you going to do are you going to roll it again

or take the £10 discount I'm going to roll it one more time one more time dealer price fuck oh you've got to pay off. What are you going to do? Are you going to roll it again or take the £10 discount? I'm going to roll it one more time. Dealer price! You've got to pay full whack. So what is that? £110? £110, yeah. Okay, £110. Sweet. Now what am I going to go for?

Now, I'm not going to go with Claridgecliffe because I think I'm going to have to work harder to get that money back. That's what I'm saying. It's £210. It's very expensive as well. I actually like the medal. I actually like the silver prize medal

by the Larkshire Farming Society. Oh, what is it? What's this item? Oh, my cow was really big. It's two cows. So someone gave me

a silver medal for my cow. Oh, God. Fuck my life. I'm going to buy it. It's 140 quid. Oh, fuck off. Roll the fucking dice. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Five pound. You sticking there? No, I'm going to go. I'm going to go all the way. Suck the dealer price. Suck the dealer price. Suck the dealer price. £140. All right.

So I have spent £140, £60, £220 altogether. Let me just check your maths there because you're shit at it. All right. £140, £60, £20. What does that come to? R-swipe. £220. £220.

Is that what I said? R-swipe. Is that what I said? You didn't say anything. R-swipe. Is that what I said? You didn't say anything. R-swipe. Is that what I said? You certainly said R-swipe a lot. So, now, just so you know,

even though you have a budget of 500 pounds, once you've paid all your items, the rest of the money just gets lost. You don't have anything. That gets lost. So, that 260 pounds that I have in my pocket, it go away now. Why doesn't the expert get to buy an item with it?

Because that was brought in a much later date when the show when this was born the expert's choice yeah that was much later in the show really was that an

addition when this board game came out that wasn't a rule in play oh I see so out what did you spend

in all on your project 110 plus 80 190 plus 38 is 228 so you spent 8 pounds more than me on our lot today.

Now, here's where the game comes in. The auction now begins. In preparation for the auction, all the players place their free antiques cards face up, which I believe we have. Showing the picture of the antiques we sell. I've got a gavel. On the three lot spaces nearest the board. Can we do it like an auction like they do for cattle in America?

How about... Let me read the rules out because it's simple. Boring. Here's what happens. The oldest player gets to start. It says oldest player, but that's just bullshit.

We'll just start with you every time. It doesn't matter. No. The oldest player. Well, that's still you. Cunt. It's still you? I thought you were born before me.

Fuck. Is it? Momentarily before you. Quite a bit momentarily. What not my fault you were born before me. Fuck. Is it? Momentarily before you. Quite a bit momentarily. What? Aren't you 50? Yeah, you are. Aren't you fucking 50?

How old are you? I'm 42. And I am 39. Ooh. You're the youngest. What a moment to you. He's all on Twitter because he's so young. And he fucking...

He doesn't drink. He does drink. He's drinking a lot of high-powered lager, ladies and gentlemen. And he's not going to be able to do the next... Are you ready? So, I'm the oldest player. Yes, you go first. So, I should have that right, not just me every time.

Place your card, lot one, on the lot for sale space there. The first one? Yes. Now, the card is placed reverse side up so everyone knows what the opening bid is. So, what is the opening bid for that? Which means you can't go any lower than the opening bid of this. So turn it over.

What does it say? 20. So no matter what happens it's going to go for 20. That's the reserve. Yeah? It won't sell if it doesn't go for 20.

No. That gets complicated. Basically what it's saying is you start at 20. Right? Okay. So you now take the I think

It says David's comment. It's got a comment on the back. What does he say? He says a very nice piece that says David's comment. It's got a comment on the back. What does he say? He says, A very nice piece that could do very well. That's bullshit, David. First the yellow, then the blue. So the first dice we use is the yellow.

Okay? So the yellow dice has 10, and it has 5, and then it has the word going on it, right? And what this means is you will now roll the dice as many times as you can. But every time you get a 10 or a 5, you add that price to the 20.

Okay? Which means you're now bidding up on that card. And if I get three goings? If you get two goings, you suddenly stop. Once you get your second going, that's it. That's the price. Okay? Alright. Are you going to be writing this down? Now, here's the thing you need to remember. You know your auction event card? You can now look at the Now, here's the thing you need to remember. You know your auction event card?

You can now look at the back of that and read what it is to yourself. Now, you can play this whenever you want, but you play it towards me. And I can play this towards you. This is the event card that either throws you into a cock-a-loop. A cock-a-loop? Yeah, or benefits. Is that type of soup? Cock-a-loop soup.

What, I play this against you? Yeah, so you can put that in your cock when it's my turn. I just go, can't! But only once and on only one of the lots that I have. Okay? So it's an action card. Same as me. So I can basically right now play...

In fact, you know what? I'm going to play this card right now. I haven't even started. I know, but I can because I have to do it before you start rolling the dice. Is it a half opening bid? Basically, this one says damage on base So there's a damage on your car which means There's no damage on mine look at it

It says damage on the base on my card On the base of what? It's a bracelet doesn't have a base It's got damage on it I see it's got a crack On what does it say base? Yeah it says base That card doesn't work with this item then does it? It says deduct 20 quid from the opening bid But what does it say before that?

It doesn't say anything it says deduct 20 quid from the opening bid which means what does it say before that? It doesn't say anything. It says, deduct 20 quid from the opening bid, which means... Damage on base. There is no base, therefore... It's a generic card for the game, you fuckhammer! This shit doesn't work.

It does. I'm not accepting that. You have to! Damage on the base of what? It's a bracelet. It doesn't have enough. Alright, damage on the rim. That's not what the card says.

It says it now! You... So now you're starting from nothing. You're a cheat. So now you're starting from nothing is basically what I've placed here. What does it say? 20 quid off? Yes, that means deduct 20 quid. That means you're starting with nothing.

Fuck off. Which means you're starting from zero on the back then. But I'm taking it out of the auction. You can't take it out of the auction! You fuck! I don't... Right, here we go. Shut up.

You roll the dice as many times as you can until you hit going twice, okay? So starting with nothing, your first bid is roll the dice as many times as you can until you hit going twice, okay? So, started with nothing. Your first bid is roll the dice. Going. £10 off, so that's £10 already, okay? Make a note of that. You need to make a note of that. You know what?

I'll make a note of that. No, don't. £10, all right? £10. I'll write it down here. Roll it again. £5. £10. pound, all right, 10. I'll write it down here. Roll it again. Five pound. 10 pound.

Oh, it's going well. So far he's made 25 quid. Going. Okay. Now we move on to the blue dice. And it's the same thing. You keep on rolling it until you hit the word gone. So it's five and 10.

But the minute you hit gone, that's it. It's all over. Okay, so, so far you've made 25 pound on this. Gone. So it costs 48 but it's sold at auction for 25 pounds. So now you write on your little card, auction price. You write down there. 25.

25 pounds. So and then the column next to it says profit and loss. So how much did you lose on that out of interest? 13. Okay. So you lost 13 pounds on that, on your first loss. Okay, so my go. And I'm going to go with the Coca-Cola thing.

And that starts me off at 25 pounds. That's my opening bid. That's where I start at. Okay, here we go. Rolling the dice. Here we go, rolling the dice. You want to see me roll it? See?

10 pound. You did it again. I didn't. You fucking did. 10 pound. So that's 10 pound. 5 pound. 10 pound.

5 pound. 10 pound. Going pound. 10 pound. Going. That's my first going. First going. Going. Okay, so how much was that? 30, 40 pounds.

Add 25 pound to that. Makes it what? 65. So, 65 pound there. Which means I made a profit there. No, you've got to go onto the blue dice. Oh, yeah, you're right. I do apologise.

I apologise. Fucking give it, right? I apologise. Here we go. Gone. Gone! 65 quid. Fucking, yeah.

How does it feel? I made a profit there of 45, 20, yeah, 45 pounds. Let me check the maths. Come on. I bought it for 20. It sold for 65. I've made a 45 pound profit. maths. Come on. I bought it for 20. It sold for 65. I've made a £45 profit. Is that not correct?

You bought it for 30. Yeah, but I got 2010 off, remember, because I rolled the dice. Ah. So I made a profit of £45. It's going quite well at this point for Paul Gannon. Let's just say that. So here we go.

Lot number two. Time for you to play your second card. Okay. And it is one we've all been waiting for here. Yes. I've been especially looking forward to this because it's a lovely item. And you know what David says?

What does he say? This Carlton Ware vase is one that shouldn't look lacklustre in the auction room. It's a pun on what it's called. I see. It's a lustre. It shouldn't lacklustre in the auction room because you've spanked on it and rubbed it in.

This is what he says on the Coke, actually. You'll find a lot of people interested in this old Coke memorabilia. I'm sure you'll fizz into profit. Oh, fuck off, Dave. Piss poor. Fuck off.

So what's your opening price with that? 90 quid. Excellent. All right, that's good. So that means no matter what, you're going to get 90 quid on that. No, that's not the opening price.

What's the actual price? What's the opening? 40. So no matter what, you started with 40. Okay. Okay. So roll your yellow.

Here we go. I'll make a note started with 40. Okay. Okay, so roll your yellow. Here we go. I'll make a note as we go. Five. Ten. Ten. Here we go. You're getting your going.

Five. Five. Going. Going. Okay, so you made, in that first run, you made £20. So now it's time for the blue dice. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. £5.

Gone. So, you made £25 on top of the opening bid, which was... So, 40 add 25 equals... 65. So, how much of a loss was that? Fuck off. How much was it? So you sold for 65, so you lost 15 quid on that, yeah? Yeah.

Excellent. Right, okay, here we go. So it's now time for me to play the horn snuff box, and Mr. Dickinson says this, this box is not to be sniffed at and could make a problem for those with a nose

for a bargain and what's the opening bid is 45 quid I'm playing my card oh god what's it say half the opening bid so that means what

22 pounds 50 let's call it 22 no let's call it 22 pounds 50 which is what it actually is Paul 22 pound 50 alright you're trying to round shit up make shit easier this is why you £22.50. Let's call it £22. No, let's call it £22.50. Okay, so... Which is what it actually is, Paul. £22.50.

Alright, alright. You're trying to round shit up, make shit easier. This is why you become a cropper. Just be more... I'm going to roll the dice. Please be more numerate. That's what everyone's asking. Please be more numerate.

Right, okay. Here we go. Here we go. I've rolled the dice. I hope you fucking lose hard. £5. You're going to jot this down so you fucking lose hard. Five pound. You're going to jot this down so you can keep track.

Five. Five. Five. Five. Ten. Five. Fuck off. Five.

Stop. Five. I'm going to run out of page. Ten. Stop. 5. I'm going to run out of page. 10. Stop. Going. There's obviously some collectors in the auction room today. 5. It's generated a bit of interest. Going.

How much was that then? 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 pounds. 60 pounds. Now for the blue dice. Okay. Here we go. I pounds, now for the blue dice. Okay, here we go. I'm hoping he goes gone straight away. It does! Bollocks, so that was-

Suck my nuggets, Fierce! So that was what? How much altogether was that? 65 plus- 65, 22 pound 50 makes what? 65, 70, 85, 85, 86, 8785, £85, £86, £87.50. £87.50, yeah? Yes.

£87.50, which means I made a profit of £60, £70, £80, £27.50 on that one. You lucky bastard. Just because there are people in who are into your snuff box. I told you the snuff box was popular. Drug fiends. Possibly. Now it's time for the final auction. And it's your lot three,

which is what? My Kinema Toffee tin decorated with a picture of Charlie Chaplin in his most famous role as... The Tramp. The Tramp, yes. And here's David's comments, which is going to be shit

I look forward to it Charlie Chaplin movies were all silent let's hope the auction room isn't oh bazing

fuck me right watch opening bid 110 no reverse card you wank 60 quid 60 quid

not bad 60 quid so you're starting with 60 quid I'm starting with 60 quid yellow dice here we go give bad. 60 quid. So you're starting with 60 quid. I'm starting with 60 quid. Yellow dice. Here we go. Give me the dice.

Here we go. The dice, sorry. Come on. Here we go. Luck be a lady tonight. Luck be a little lover. Do not have more skull. Do not have more skull.

Five. Fizzy, fizzy, fizzy. Five. Five. Again, five. Five. I'm writing it down. Here we go.

Five. Ten. Ten. Looking good. Lots of excitement in the auction room right now going Five five Going okay, not all over you've got your blue dice your blue dice here. We go baby doll

Ten all right good With your blue dice, here we go, baby doll. Ten. All right, good. Ten. Excellent. Come on, baby. Five. It's rolling for Eli. Five. He's on a roll.

The excitement in the room is palpable. Five. People are more getting excited. Gone. Right. Okay, so ten, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60. 65 pound on top of... 60. Right. Okay, so 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60. £65 on top of... 60. 60, so 125 is what was paid for.

So how much is that overall? You paid 110 and you got what? £15 profit. Excellent. Eli's in profit on his final lot. Well done. Oh, yeah. Well done. Oh, well done, you. My final lot. Well done. Oh, yeah. Well done.

Oh, well done, you. My final lot. Let's do one of those charity auctions where we auction off you and you have to go fuck an old lady. I'll do it. You'll do it? I'll lick the labia of a lovely old lady

any time you are... Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I'll do it. What if it's like a... Like a... A neck curtain? What do you mean it's like a neck curtain? I get you mean it's like a neck curtain? I get a fan who looks like a neck curtain.

How does that work? What if she's a daily mail reader and she twitches her neck curtain at you? Look, mate, I would... With her finger, she's slapping her neck curtains at you. I would have it. I would have it. I would slap my tongue on that.

I would go blah, blah, blah. Mate, you shouldn't drink when you do these podcasts. He's downing high strength lager this could be it it's now time for my silver prize medal £140

starting price what does Mr Dickinson say about the card he says hopefully this medal will reap rewards

wise what's the pun the rewards yeah an award reward no he says reward I mean it's not his best gag it's a bit of an anti-climax actually What's the pound? The reward bit. Yeah. It's an award. Reward. No, he says reward.

I mean, it's not his best gag. It's a bit of an anti-climax, actually. But it starts at £100, which is great. So now I'm going to roll the yellow dice. Here we go. Come on, baby. Let's go crazy. Go going.

Five. Write this down, you fucking little hobbit. Five. Yeah, five. Going. Five. Going. Okay, ten.

This is nice. Blue dice. It's it for once. Here we go. Oh. Five. Gone. How much is that, 15? 15.

So 115 pound was what it sold for, yeah? Yeah, and how much did it cost? 140, so I lost? 25. 25. So how much did it go for, sorry? 115. Yeah.

So I lost? 25. 25. So now it is the time where we find out how much money or whatever we lost now I spent I was overall down

13 pounds so I spent 220 so I have 40 50 60 70

40 50 60 60 72 you do my maths alright I'll do your maths you do my maths

I mean I've won though right haven't I you just want the total profit or loss yeah across all three items across all three items you don't have to look

at this row you just look at the profit and loss row I know but what is it what did I say 73.50 yeah take away 25 pound it is 20

let's say let's say that's 25 plus 23.50 48 pounds 50 48 pounds 50 does that mean I won Let's say that's 25 plus 23.50. £48.50. £48.50? Does that mean I won Bargain Hunt?

And I made a minus for £13. Did I win Bargain Hunt? You did. I won Bargain Hunt with my microphone. Right, I'm done. I won Bargain Hunt. I'd just like to say, Paul. Yeah, did I?

I don't think you should have won. Did you not? Did I win Bargain Right, I'm done. I won bargain hunt. I'd just like to say, Paul. Yeah, did I? I don't think you should have won. Did you not? Did I win bargain hunt? I hate you. Did I win bargain hunt, though? This should have been a section about noodles. Did I win bargain hunt, though, is the point I'm trying to make. Say it.

Say it into the microphone. Say what? For all time. Say what? Paul, you won bargain hunt. Paul? Yeah? You won the board game.

No. Which was random. No, it wasn't! Which had a huge random element. And no skill. There was excitement in the auction room. There was excitement in the auction room. There was a fucking wet fart.

The smell of death in the auction room. Anyway, the point is, I won bargain-ons. I won bargain-ons. David Dickinson has got a flat in London's West End, which he hires just for me. He pays the rent and then he comes and visits me. That's all he has to do. He visits me sometimes and bum me.

I want bargain on. Ladies and gentlemen, on that note, we're ending Cheap Show today. It's been a fantastic show. Thank you for everyone who supports us on Patreon. Thank you so much. If you want to give anything, as little as you can or as much as you can,

please do. The nozzles are coming. The nozzles will be coming. Go to Patreon. The beard's coming back. My beard. You could n much as you can, please do. The nozzles are coming. The nozzles will be coming. Go to Patreon. The beard's coming back. My beard. You could nuzzle. I could do both.

We could nuzzle together. Could we have some kind of contraption where we... Double nuzzle. The double nuzzle. The double nuzzle. If you see two quite evenly, but with a distinct space between them, greasy spots on your windows, you've been nuzzled. Double nuzzled.

You've been double nuzzled. You dazzled double nuzzled you've been double dunged you've been double nuzzled so go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and if you want I'll be using fish oil what else oh yeah

for extra fragrance if you want to follow us on twitter at the cheap show pod I'm at Paul Gannon show you are I'll be using castor liver oil

shut up what are you on twitter Eli Snoidy L-O-S-I- Eli the website will have lots of pictures Gannon show you are. I'll be using castor liver oil. Shut up. What are you on Twitter? Eli Snoyd. E-L-O-S-I-N-O-I-D. The website will have lots of pictures of all the things we have featured

on the show today. I've got more Twitter followers than you, you cunt. It doesn't matter. It does. It's a competition. It fucking doesn't. Thecheapshow.co.uk.

Well, I won that. I'm winning social media. Wow. Okay, well done. You may have won a fucking random board game, which is meaningless, and you cheated, but I fucking didn't cheat. You didn't cheat.

If anything, I empirically didn't cheat. Well done, Paul. We're on Facebook as well. You can find us there. You can also go to our Reddit page, forward slash, or forward slash Cheap Show, if you go to Reddit.com and join in the discussion there. And that has been Cheap Show.

Now I'm going to get a big fat erection and get ready for our sex episode coming soon. Which is the next episode. And we're going to record it right now. I am fizzing with the froth. I am frothing with my fizz. I am fizzing with my froth. I have a little bead of pure, clear pre-cum.

And that's the other thing I wanted to say, Paul. Sorry. You can tell the difference between mayonnaise and spunk by what's on your burger. By waiting for it. Yeah. They've got exact opposites. Now, this is good. Okay? This is good. You can

tell the difference between mayonnaise and spunk because if you leave mayonnaise out, this is true. Have you ever noticed? If you leave mayonnaise out... This is true. Have you ever noticed? If you leave mayonnaise out, it goes clear. Yeah.

And hard. Does it? If you leave spunk out, it goes milky white. Well, there you learnt something. But it starts off clear. And on that note... They've got different opalescences.

You can now shut up. You can now shut up. Opalescent spunk. That's been Cheap Show. That's been Cheap Show. Bye. Bye. You can now shut up Opalescent spank That's been Cheap Show That's been Cheap Show Bye Bye Bye