CheapShow - Ep 68: The League of Snacks

Episode Date: March 15, 2018

The episode that nearly wasn't! But we rescued it! It's been a long time coming, but finally, Paul & Eli begin to put together their long awaited "League of Snacks" has begun to curate it's collection of snacks and crisps for review. It will be the most important thing of all time ever! Where will your favourite snack end up ranked? But before all that, it's the usual CheapShow madness... We have more weird and wonderful Tales from the Shopfloor, Paul challenges Eli to a devious round of The Price of Shite, we cram in an Off Brand/Brand Off and instantly regret buying so much mayonnaise. Finally, Paul opens up the doors to his Froth Shop and treats Eli to a whole host of cheap and cheerful candies... as long as Eli promises to stop creating any more stupid, awful new characters! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow @elisnoid & @ashfrith If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Excellent. Give us a quick hello, one, two, three. Hello, one, two, three. Yeah, that's fine. How's that distance for me? Ah. Ooh. Tell me to fuck off.

Fuck off. Tell me that I'm unimaginative cretin. You're an unimaginative cretin. Levels sound fine. Okay. Maybe you can get... You know, I'll just turn it up. That's fine.

Right. Okay. Maybe you can get... You know, I'll just turn it up. That's fine. Right. Okay. Let me just take one sup more of the old black energy. Black energy. All right. One sup more of the old black energy Sorry I didn't really think about that

The sex episode is way behind us Please Please let it be Oh That's a nice coffee Eli give us an intro to Cheap Show In your own inimitable fashion Oh ho ho ho

Here we are again That was way too loud And don't start with the loud. But you are. I'm excited. Do it back away. If you're going to be loud, go away from the mic.

When you want to be quiet or intimate, get closer to the mic. Podcasting masterclass. You're like one of those guys who used to be before YouTube videos. Want to know why I buy this pool? You too could be like me in my shit clothes.

I'm Paul G gannon podcast maestro give us your fucking intro oh ho ho hello it's eli silverman here time has come again for cheap show and we are in the house of pickles for a special record today in london we're in london normal words and it's me to say london london thank you and here is the co-host paul gannon hi paul hello eli welcome to cheap show i hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. Welcome to Cheap Show. This is George Gannon saying hello. Eli Silver.

Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Now, I hope you're enjoying the transformation, like changing room style transformation that I did on the House of Pickles. The House of Pickles is in its alternate dimension, the cleanest bollock in all the universe, the shining bollock at the end of pickles is in its other its alternate dimension the cleanest bollock in all the universe the shining bollock at the end of time you took out there's a sauce there's an ashtray with some sauces look at that you've got barbecue there you've got these are actually quite hard to come by paul sour cream and chive dipping sauce

from pizza hut just because you've wiped the table down, wiped curry off a stool chair, cough made your bed and stacked all your dirty underpants in a pile by the radiator. Yes.

Does not make a DIY SOS episode. That is Mount Grotpants. That is Mount Grotpants. Careful when you have to navigate through the creek between Mount Gropp and the bed there are there dead climbers in there somewhere

or have they just left them in big colourful puffer jackets anyway we're just going to I want to do this, I know you don't like it when I do this but we're using a different recording setup today because we need to get new mics and stuff we now thanks to Patreon can afford to get new mics and stuff. We now, thanks to Patreon, can afford to get new mics and exciting things like that.

So for the meantime, we're going to use two laptops with two USB mics. Is this what for the tech nerds? Just in case they go, oh, what's your setup? It's Paul Gannon. Podcast maestro.

Shut up! I'm just saying. I can tell you. I'll just say, right. the sound quality might be a little bit different a little bit i apologize let's apologize to the listeners we don't have a compressor so that that makes things sound a bit warmer so with these mics it's a little bit clattery and bright a little bit clattery and bright okay well i apologize as well i'm with you paul let's not let's not detail any more the fucking technical set up I'm sorry

but what have we got coming up in this episode what are we on 71 now no I think it's actually 68 we're doing now

okay because we did 69 67 was the defecator my brain go down my brain go down

my brain my brain go down now Paul what you're already skirting around racist stereotypes how am I doing My brain go down. My brain... My brain go down now. Paul. What? You're already skirting around racist stereotypes. How am I doing that at all? That's a kind of pigeon English thing, isn't it?

No, it's not. Me go down. Isn't it? I was thinking more like cavemen. All right. Og... Og say... Og say wank. Why are you happy with that? Why are you happy with that?

Why are you happy with that? It really amuses me Caveman speak amuses me Right, today on the show We have a cliffhanger edition Of The Price of Shite Ooh Thank you

We also have a very special Off-brand brand off Eli's very excited about this Off-brand brand off-brand And then I believe We're putting the open sign against the shop window, we're making the bell a tingalingalinging for the morning school children and Paul Gannon's delightful Victorian Throff Shop is opening its doors with its candy delights.

The froth shops you say? The froth shop is a stop where you must shop for your froth. Can I buy heroin lozenges? Actually, talk to me at 6.15 tonight. When the children have gone? When they have gone. And then we finish the show. Are you excited about any of the segments? You don't look it. You dead-eyed fucking monster.

I'm not dead-eyed. You looked at me like you were like, what? Just, there's nothing there. Well, I'm looking forward to the froth shop, Paul. Yeah. And the brand off. Yeah.

But do we have some kind of Tales from the Shop floor to start? Actually, thank you for reminding me because that's what I was gasping for. We are really... The best Tales from the Shop floor so far has been the poo in the bag. I mean, Hayley's bag of bags with the poo secret.

The secret Marushka poo. Yeah, it's a delight. It's a delightful story. So, okay, we have two stories. Okay. Let me just read this one in case it ends with those. Hi, I'm Gary.

And then at the bottom it goes, please don't say my name's Gary on the show after you've read it all out. So I'm just going to give it a quick scan. No, he seems happy for me to use his real name and not a nom de plume. That's the right word, isn't it? A nom de plume when you come up with a nickname for yourself? I believe so.

Non de plume. Well done. Paul's increasing his vocab. uh okay here we go so this one's from a guy called robert atkinson thank you for writing in robert now you say thank you i i say thank you good thank you robert i don't know yet can't we judge the story the story might be i was working at sherry's shop and i pulled or something yeah Yeah. That would be lame, wouldn't it? It would be. Or I urinated in some old lady's tea. We wouldn't condone something like that, would we, Paul? No, we wouldn't.

Publicly. So, here's his story. Hi, guys. Got a story you might enjoy. I don't know why I'm doing it in that inflection. Many years ago, I worked in a spa store, which for people outside of the UK, it's kind of like a 7-Eleven. It's sort of like a very sparse...

I don't know. Sounds like good. You don't see them very much, especially these days, but even when they were in their full pop, you didn't see them very much, did you, spas? They were very much an 80s thing. And a very third-rate kind of 7-Eleven. But they're still about.

I've seen them in Cambridge. I've seen them in Southampton. Londis has really moved into that market, hasn't it? Yeah. Doing a sort of, you know... Yeah. Tough times. Weirdly overpriced mini supermarket.

Let's not talk about... Do you know what the worst is? I don't want to talk about spa. Budgins? Yeah. Why? Very overpriced, in my mind. Yes.

Anyway, there was that one that used to be near you, up in East Finchley, wasn't there? Very expensive. Fucking stupid. Didn't it become a Waitrose? It was on its way to being a fucking... Wasn't it already? Right on. It should become a Harrods.

Right on. A fucking Harrods outpost. Right on. One molecule of caviar, seven million pounds. Do you like this satire? No, it's awful. Here we go. So, one sentence in.

What's happening? He's in the shop. No, he works in a spa. Okay. One day, I was at the till when an older gentleman came in. This fellow was unkempt, and although the area I worked in was rather posh,

we got the odd homeless person in every now and then. Okay, so he suspects this is a vagrant. Possibly. Anyway, he wanders in, and we are immediately watching him to make sure he doesn't shoplift. I mean, it's the state of the world today. Well, okay.

You know. Yeah, it's not great. It's not great. Suspicion, you know, just because he's down on his luck. You would, though, wouldn't you? Yeah. If I worked in a shop and a tramp came in, I'd think, is the tramp going to try and nick some packs of steak or something?

Yeah. Nice image. Right. So, he eventually buys a one-litre bottle of Lucozade and pops it in a plastic carrier bag. He hangs around near the till and made me and my colleague quite nervous. Okay. So we rang for the manager.

She comes down and the old boy asks for the loo. Usually this isn't allowed. Fair enough. I've lost my place. Don't smoke a spliff before the show. Do not. Usually this wasn't allowed, but as we just wanted to help the guy out,

the manager agreed, so my colleague escorted him to the staff toilet How very nice I don't know where this is going man It's not Midsomer Murders Well I'm thinking like Leukazade up the bum hole

Basically At this point A big leated You know Something like that Okay Alright Some unspeakable anal act

With the Leukazade bottle Anyway That's just my guess okay okay anyway he finishes his business and he's leaving the toilet and walking down the store my colleague stops him and she notices lucasade leaking from the bag so she politely informs him of this and he offers and she offers to tighten the lid of the pop he obviously opened and must have had a swig from the bottle. Anyway, she reaches into the bag, grabs the bottle

and proceeds to tighten the lid which doesn't budge because it's still sealed. Wee wee bag. She glances at the bag still dribbling Lucozade. Oh, mate. Looks at the bottle in her hand, which is covered

in orange liquid. And realises the bag is full of piss. What's this guy's problem, man? Why would you do that? That's a good story. We didn't have an awkward edit there at all. For no real reason, because my laptop's got no memory.

Right. Yeah, okay. Cheap show. That's not going to help you in your entrepreneurial business. This is your imagination. You are on the side. Hi, would you want to have a house like this? And I get my dick sucked so hard as well.

Anyway, the manager was slightly... Paul, the pod maestro. Who's that guy? Have you seen that guy? There's no pod maestro as far as I know. There's some guy who's got an advert on YouTube now. And he's like, hey, do you want to be really popular and have a great podcast? Yeah.

Have you seen that? What else happens? And then he's like, I know, do all vision for a podcast. He's got Joe Rogan on it or something. He's some yank. Anyway, that story was from Robert. So thank you very much, Robert. know, your vision for a podcast. It's got Joe Rogan on it or something. He's some yank. Anyway, that story was from Robert. So thank you very much, Robert. Now, Robert, that was amusing.

But I can't help thinking people have seen that we've got a bit of a predilection here for liking poo and wee and vomit-based charity shop stories. And I just want to emphasise, that's not all we're looking for in Tales from the Shop. No, and I think this next story might go some way to course correct

the tone of this segment. Okay, thank you. But, pissy bag, and also, what is the motivation of that tramp? I'd like to go to the loo and bathe a bottle of

Leucosade in my own urine. And that's it. Maybe he was thinking he would replace the lucasade with the urine why it didn't open the bottle well this is the thing he would probably drink the lucasade and then fill the bottle up with his piss and then put it back on the shelf oh he just wants people to drink his piss no i don't know if he wants them to drink his piss

he wants to drink lucasade but not buy the bottle so he wants to drink it he. I don't know if he wants them to drink his piss. He wants to drink Lucozade, but not buy the bottle. So he wants to drink it. He didn't though, did he? Yeah, that's what I mean. He bought the bottle of Lucozade. He purchased it. There's a bigger mystery at hand here. There's a huge mystery. Who is this man?

We don't find out what happens to him in the story. It sounds like... I'm not questioning Robert, but I am calling Robert a liar. He made that up because he knows we like bags with excrement in stories. I don't know about that. I believe his manager did put her hand into a bag full of piss. Yeah.

I mean, that is believable. In my heart, I'd like that to be true. But piss isn't orange. I felt there was an embellishment there. That depends on how... He oversold the whole comparing the Leucazade to piss because piss is yellow, if piss is orange you need to go see a doctor or drink some water

if you're homeless you could argue that maybe that's right, he's maybe dehydrated so it's a very rich dark urine piss talk on cheap show it's a very gloopy dark syrupy urine anyway if yours is like syrup, if you wee

syrup, then you definitely go to a doctor. Okay, so you're saying the next story. Or the circus. No one goes to see Mr. Gloopy Piss. And even in the worst sideshow days. I would. I'd go to see Mr. Gloopy. Watch this man with the gloopy wee wee.

Watch him lasso a small dog with a loop of piss out of his gloopy wee-hole. Mother, mother, I wish to see Mr Gloopy Piss. He reminds me of Father and Dick Titty. Call back. Call back. Paul, read the next story. So you're saying this will be different.

This is about something. Yes. This doesn't have shit? Not as far. No. Or spunk Saliva In fact some would say

It's some creative use of time This is from Jade Hello Jade Thank you Jade says Hey guys I used to work in a charity shop down in Ealing London When I was 17 and worked with a mate.

We were cunts, you see, being 17. It's a natural characteristic of being that age. So a lot of reflections happen since this story took place, I think. And Jade is obviously purging some of this frustration and maybe regret. You hate your former self. Yeah, we get it. We get it. We really get it.

I really get it. I was such a twat. Just yesterday. Yeah. Yeah, you were. And you are. What's going on? So here we go. Nothing's going on. I feel like an old man. What? Who made the tingling happen?

Alright, come on. Just a Windows bullshit thing. Jade was a little cunt. Yes. By her own admission. Anyway, if you don't know, Ealing is a boring fucking area, mate. Well, she's got lots of attitude, this Jade. Mate. Mate. I like the conversational tone.

She's being very pally. She's very London. You don't know us, Jade. Calm down. Come on. Let's hear it. Right. Okay.

So if you don't know, it's a boring fucking place. Lots of twats about. And the Ox family worked for, specialised in electronics and musical stuff. Nice. Yes. So we had a lot of pretentious cheap as shit twats who'd come in a lot of the time. I know the types, I have to say. Anyway, there was this

styrofoam head we used to display headphones on that we were given. Yeah, I know exactly what she means. You know that one. Yeah, a little foam head. They used it to put headphones on and model them for all the new ones that come in. They do, but you do see tatty ones that have been recycled and used in charity shops.

Yes. I'm giving you a real picture. Anyway, one day we got bored and began to abuse it. I stabbed it with a pen underneath. Soon discovering I can manipulating... Manipulate? You can't manipulate your fucking mouth, it seems like, Paul. Soon...

Shut up. Making it turn and... Right, so... She's done an exorcist head. Let me explain this. Soon discovering I can manipulating it, making it turn and stuff with the pen underneath. Yeah, like an exorcist head.

Like a little puppet show. Spinning exorcist head. And make it move and jiggle-a-joggle it about. So, she said, I decided to get under the desk and raise it up just over the desk, hiding the pen with my hand holding it, like a puppet show. Like a puppet. She's doing a little puppet show.

To brighten up the day. Brighten up some poor incontinent tramp's day. Yeah. Oh, look at the puppet show. Isn't that lovely? So she's doing that. Whilst these pretentious snobs were looking at their shitty crab rock, as one guy put it,

I would follow them with the head with the direction from my mate above me. And it creeped a lot of people out to the point that our manager, fuck you David, you look and sound like a paedophile. Jade! This is very confessional. Honestly, Jade. I'm like Ron and Jeremy. I'll read

anything put in front of my eyes. You're like Ron and Jeremy. You'll read anything put in front of my eyes you're like Ron Jeremy you'll read anything put in front of your eyes it's like you just said who's the character from Anchorman Ron Burgundy fuck me

Ron Jeremy would fuck anything put in front of his eyes well maybe not everything think about that implication alright go on I am and everything. Think about that implication. Alright.

Go on. I am. I'm just getting a bit weepy. There's no hardening. So Jade has got a lot of issues. She was a cunt. She hated her manager. She's playing up, isn't she?

Obviously with her stupid head puppet. Her manager told them to stop. He also told us that we were damaging the head, which is expensive. Alright then. Didn't realise styrofoam heads were expensive, David mate, but alright. Anyway, she's working a lot of shit out in this email to us. Anyway, that's my

shitty story. I have more, but this is long enough as it is. Best kind regards, Jade. You need to see someone. Well, you know, I think she has a lot of stuff I think that was very strong It wasn't strong narratively, it kind of whimpered out but it had some flavour

didn't it, it had some zest to it It was a bit fiery It had some attitude and it also sort of like a nice little snapshot of a day in the past bored, mucking around with a star of a train of head If that was an 80s American comedy film that would be a montage comedy clip Someone would have put their head on their dick mucking around with a star of a man. If that was an 80s American comedy film,

that would be a montage comedy clip. Someone would have put their head on their dick. What films did you see in the 80s where that happened? Porky's. Stuff happened with a glory hole in Porky's, didn't it? That's true. There's quite a lot of dirty adult comedies in the 80s. Bachelor, Bachelor Party, Tom Hanks. Oh, now, now.

Oh, what do you mean? I've never seen a cock. Don't look at me like that, now. Now. Oh, what do you mean? I've never seen a cock. Don't look at me like that, Paul. Anyway, that was Tales from the Shop Floor. Tales from the Shopping Shop Floor. Thank you, Robert and Jade. You don't get to create a jingle for this. All right.

What about this? Tales from the Shopping Shop Floor. All right, yeah, I like it. All right, good. You know what to do. Hit me with it. It's the fucking price of shards. It's the fucking price of shards.

It's the fucking price of shards. It's the fucking price of shards. And it's ready cliffhanger edition nice can I shake your hand? I like shaking your hand when we do things nice on this show so I want to shake your

hand more my aim is to shake your hand more listeners you heard that in the court case that will be then he said he wanted to shake me more he wanted to shake me more. I said shake your hand. He wanted to shake Josh me off. He didn't want to Josh you off.

You obsessed with me, Josh you off. He wanted to touch me. It's an audio format. There is no need for us to even look at each other. Okay? That's all I'm saying. Right, I'm looking forward to the prize of strike. You've sullied it by besmirching my hand with your palm grease.

So I besmirched the format by reaching out to you in a friendly way to congratulate you on a professional comedy moment that I think will stand the test of time. What? I said the cliffhanger edition. Yeah, I think that whole little jingle was our best moment ever on Cheap Show, ever. And I don't think my rendition was top notch. Paul, stop. Now you're audibly losing the will to fucking carry on.

Well, I'm excited to see the items on this week's edition of The Price is Right. So, as we all know, the game is played in such a manner where I have three items. Each one cost me less than a pound to make. You're going to see one item at a time. as we all know the game is played in such a manner where I have three items each one cost me less than a pound to make you're going to see one item at a time don't fucking do this

with the rules now can I just ask one thing I why now how many times have you played this because of the controversy when I owned you

by having an item that cost nothing and one that cost exactly a quid and you got angry and said I cheated. Yes, you did. And I'm still... Am I then

to believe that none of these items will cost nothing and none will be a quid either? Is that the rules we're going to follow now with this stupid edition of your crappy game show piss take? Yes. Right. From now on, you're not allowed to buy anything that's exactly a pound.

Okay. Or pick something up off the street covered in blood. Yes. That would be lovely. Okay. We've got a little

cliffhanger game board that I've fashioned and I'm going to be trying not to. I think last time I played this, I did fall off the edge of doom. Yes, you did.

And it was very satisfying. You did it twice as well, actually. All right. Which is a record. So you have got that on your side. At. You did it twice as well, actually. Oh, right. Which is a record, so you have got that on your side. At least I didn't have to touch someone's old dirty eye patch. Please produce

the first item on site. Oh, I'm sorry. Now you're sorry. You're ready, so we can go. I'm just trying to... People, you know, they want to hear you sighing and slurping coffee and just being generally... Right, get it out. I'm sorry. Get it out. Get it out.

Get it out. I'm sorry. Item number one. For your delectation, Mr Silverman, on the cliffhanger edition of The Price... Of Shite. Of Shite. Is this little item here, number one. Oh, now.

What do you make of this? This is a candle holder. It's blue. Transparent. Slightly less than cobalt blue? This is a candle holder. It's blue, transparent. Slightly less than cobalt blue, but... Glass candle holder. Tea cake? It's tea light. Tea cake is a cake.

Tea light is a type of candle. Anything else? Fucking hateful prick. Okay, and that is nice. Actually, strangely enough, that would come in quite useful here in the HO to the fucking P. Yeah. Because I've got them just by the sauce rack there. I've got a...

Sauce rack is generous. It's mound of sachets of sauce you got from CAFs. Look, it's great. You've got a... Don't want to know about your fucking sauce. It's got soy sauce in there. Don't care about your fucking sauce. There's soy sauce in there. Don't care about your soy... A man at this age,

at your age, should not have a sauce mound. I love my sauce mound, but here... You shouldn't. Just in front of the M50

energy drink there, there is a little tea cup. It's perfect, Paul. Beautiful. Now I have to guess the price. Knowing, at the start, it is the cheapest. Less than the pound, and it's the cheapest.

Yes. So what are you thinking? I now feel that I have a bit more experience of the charity shop level. Now that you've been to Cambridge, yes. I went to Canebow. Canebro. No. Just get on with it.

Canbero. You can't just coin things I can coin whatever I like Go on then Do you know what I call your hair? Go on Shit mullet Do you know what I call your face?

Keep working Shit mullet No No I wouldn't call your face shit mullet I'm coining a term for your face Spank pan Right

Spank pan 35p 35p 35p. 35p. 35p I'll go for. Okay. Now, I'm at the foot of the cliff, and I've got all the stairs. I'm hoping I don't have to go up any of those stairs.

I can tell you that that blue glass tea light holder cost me in the Romsey Mill Road Street charity shop 20p 20p this game's shit honestly it is so that's 15 steps I'm all the way up there so you have to draw yourself now

on the 15th step I'm standing there leaving a margin of error now of 10p So you have to draw yourself now on the 15th step. I have. I'm standing there. Leaving a margin of error now of... 10. 10p. For two items. For two items. That's a challenge, mate.

I'm not going to do it, am I? You don't know. You stupid... How could 20p? I can't buy a box of matches for 20p. 20p. They didn't want that tea light holder, did they? No.

I tried to keep all the stickers on them so I could prove the prices, but when they came off, they were just peeling off. If you look at it, it's all a bit scratched where I've tried to get as much off as possible. It's a bit gunky, yeah. Okay, well, I'm disappointed. I thought I was in the right ballpark. Your disappointment there was my fucking nectar. Let's have the next item.

I hope I do better. I hope you like the next item, okay? It's have the next item. I hope I do better. I hope you like the next item. It's a bit of fun. If I think the next two items are just a little bit of fun. Is this a little bit of fun? Yeah. Here we go. What's that then? Oh, this is a Mickey...

This is a bit of fun, isn't it? This is a little bit of fun. It is a iphone i think it's an iphone yeah iphone case and um it's in blue uh green what we're going mad green rubber yeah and it has what looks from if you look at the front it looks like mickey mouse ears yes but it is actually some kind of rodent it's got a rodent face i think it might be a beaver or it's like a beaver hey that teeth that would be a beaver so i'm gonna say it's a bear it's like a friendly little bear face on the other side a green wobbly face green it's very floppy and it's in

good condition there is a bit of wear on the color on the ears you can see it's faded yeah so some prepubescent yeah grot bag has probably been gnawing at it finding their sexuality what no no why

because they've been rubbing the fucking phone case on there you're fucking at that age you're dirty what you didn't touch your dick

at that age you were all over your dick all the time at that age so was I Paul you were all over your dick all the time at that age. So was I, Paul. You were all over my dick? I don't remember that.

Yeah, I used to come down the hill. That's impressive. Anyway, but apart from the wear on the ears, the colour, the face is still there. It's a little bit of fun, isn't it? A little bit of fun. But how much fun was it? In the same store I bought the surprisingly cheap glass tea cake candle holder. 50p.

50p? Why are you laughing? Are you going to stick with that before I, you know... I don't think I should because you visibly reacted with delight. It was a nervous reaction due to the stress of the game. I'm having a sip of coffee. Use that time wisely to consider your price. You gave me a little clue with your blatant giggle of joy

that I'd lost, basically, as soon as I said 50p. This is hard. And the game is difficult as well. Thank you all, ladies and gentlemen. Bye, bollocks. Fucking hell. I'm looking at this fucking bare face on the back of a phone case. Come on, you're making a meal out of this.

Just tell me the price. I'll go for 35p again. 35p again? 35p. Are you going to lock that one in? That's the sound of me locking it in. Right, good. I can tell you that that cost...

30p. Oh, I'm in there, mate. Only five. So five steps up now puts you on what step, Mr Silverman? That puts me on step 20. I know you're about to say, oh, you shouldn't have given it away, Poker Face. Maybe I wanted to give you a fighting chance with that reaction.

Thank you. Thanks for that, Paul. Oh, thank you, Paul. So I didn't have to break away, Poker Face. Maybe I wanted to give you a fighting chance with that reaction. Thank you. Thanks for that, Paul. Oh, thank you, Paul. So I didn't have to break this game off early. It disappoints a lot of people. I have only five steps to play with, so I have to do as well, at least as well, again, on the last item in order to survive.

So I'm excited to see it, Paul. And the third item. It's like carry-on films. Here we go. The third and final item again. I bought this in the same charity shop. Yes. All these have been bought

in the Romsey charity. So I said 35 and it was 30, is that right? Yeah. So I've gone over both times. I've overestimated the price. But think of the margin of error you've got to play with now between 35p and a pound. It's a long...

It's a long game. It's a wide spectrum. Yes. It's a wide girth. I have to straddle a wide spectrum. Yes. Well, here it is. The third and final item.

Say what you see. I i see it's a novelty pen this is it's new in bag new in case fresh on card it's got a little bit of plastic this is a strange item it's a yellow biro uh depolo depol depal.com is the manufacturer. Sort of yellow. And then it tapers off its tail into a plastic kind of decal of what could only be described as a lizard called Joshua. Yeah. So is this a sort of name pen? There was Joshua ones, there were James ones. Well, his surname is Polish, I think, because his name is Joshua.

I just thought that now. That is not funny. I'm a big boy in comedy today. It was not funny. I am. So do you think that's what it is? D-Pets, it's also called. So the M that's in a decal, weird umbilical style.

Floppy Woppley. It's almost like the lizard has a big floppy knobby that comes out of its umbilical style. Floppy wopply. It's almost like the lizard has a big floppy knobby that comes out of its umbilical hole. We're not good on biology on Cheap Show. But it has got the card there, and it's a strange item, the way that, do you know what I mean?

The way the pen... Kind of just dangles at the end. Bring your pet to life at depal.com. So they've got some kind of... It's got some kind of tie-in. It's just a pen, isn't it? Let's have a look. I haven't had a proper little look at it.

Warning, not suitable for children. Okay. See inside pack for details. Bring your animal to life. Shall we have a look inside? Have a little look inside, yeah. Let's have a little look inside. See if I can delicately open this

with my delicate hands there you go get the card out it's all floppy boingy boingy it's a boingy sort of joshua thing but why is it at that angle is what i want to know okay i'll read you what it says on the inside all right bring your deep end to life in deepals.com a fun-filled virtual world where you can make new friends chat play with men who are 48 who are also called will rabbit dress up and explore and explore give your very own d-pet a name and keep it healthy and happy by feeding it and caring for it a tamagotchi basically tamagotchi online a pen. You'll soon be rewarded with some cool tricks. One, go to deephouse.com. Two,

sign up and give us all mummy and daddy's details. This is terrible. Go to your Deepet's page, enter a code and bring your pet to life and there's a code on the thing. What an awful piece of crap. Thank you. It's a spongy pen with a picture of a lizard in

3D sort of dangling off the end. I don't know how better to describe it. There will be a picture. There will be a picture. And, well, it's got a Tamagotchi. Online some kind of bullshit game. This is a kind of... This is what's killing the world, Paul.

Yeah. Crap like this. Does it write very well? It writes fine. So there's that. We're such a great consumer reporting show. So there's that we're such a great consumer reporter so there's that but it's

the sponginess of the actual pen means you wouldn't be able to do neat joined up handwriting that's very important you wouldn't actually

want to write anything apart from maybe a few notes or draw a penis with spud coming out which I'm doing now in fact maybe it looks like Joshua's doing that on his dangly thing anyway.

Look, there's all those spurts coming off him. He looks like he's on acid or something as well. The lizard, doesn't he? He's going... Yeah. Anyway, with that in mind, how much do you... I've got a pen for a penis.

I'm Joshua. If we don't win... Someone calls me Joshua off. Josh me off. That's off. Josh me off. That's Josh. Josh me off. I was putting together a clips package for the British Podcast Awards, right? And I'm going, what kind of picks us out?

And what makes us, you know, the funny comedy show that we're proud of presenting? And I think at that moment just there, I was thinking, we shouldn't have bothered Ed for anything. No, you shouldn't have bothered. Because that's us. What you just did there was an embarrassment. I was playing acting. An embarrassment.

I was just bringing to life a character from the show. Joshua, I'm the trippy lizard. It's a doll from the character. I've done lots of pharmaceuticals. It's a tragic character. I've got a growth with this yellow bendy pen penis. Right. I'm just trying to procrastinate

before I splap off the end of the fucking mountain, like hard. Yeah, you've got five points to guess, and yet still a, what, 70 pence margin of error? The statistician in me, Paul, wants to just go halfway between 50 and 100 and say 75 as a sort of

shot in the dark kind of average. But I don't actually know that it's more than 30p considerably because both the other items were way down below the 50p mark. So you see, maybe I'll ask Joshua.

Don't ask Joshua anything. He's a worse character than Big Kappa Hamster. They could do a fucking duet. No, they couldn't. Eli, don't go for 75. I'm having an acid meltdown, but I am in contact with some elves from the third dimension,

which is your dimension, which will make them... Worst episode ever of Cheap Shot. You should maybe go down 10p. Yes. 65. 62p. 62p.

63p. 63p is your final guess for that 63 I'm playing tactical I'm hoping I can tell you that that wobbly d-pen pen d-pen pen

just call him Joshua call me by my name I'm going to go in a rock to Josh me off of your So poor So poor I'm just trying to liven up this fucking section No you just I mean look this blue tea light

That has got to be one of the most dull generic items we've ever had It's called the price of shite How am I not doing the remit perfectly then? Yeah? Okay. Tell me if I've lost. You have. The price was 50p. You were 12p over. Up I go.

Step 21. Step 22. Step 23. Is it cold up there? It is. It's high altitude. Alright, okay. It's cold. 24.

Whoa! There, sound effects. Yeah, so there you go. Cheap show. The price of Shire Eli once again failed on the mountaintop. Yeah, I was... I think I played

a good game this time. I was only 5p off the edge. Don't you think I played a good game this time keeping prices low? Good. Set you off balancep off the edge. Don't you think I played a good game this time? Yeah, nice. Keep the prices low. Good. Set you off balance.

It certainly did. See, there is a challenge to this. When you play the game correctly, you cheating fucking cunts. I'm generally still pissed off about that. It doesn't matter, Paul, because that was the move. It matters to me.

That was moves. It wasn't moves. It wasn't power moves. It was you going, I'm a lazy gobshite. No. I'm a lazy gobshite. I found this on the floor.

That was me working out the parameters of the game and using them to splat you. To totally do you in. And make you touch a crusty rag. No. This segment ends now. Diddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle. Oh.

Off brand, off brand, off brand, brand, off brand. That's not even close to what it's meant to be. What's it meant to be? You do the intro, you do it, and I'll do the proper intro. What do I have to go? Diddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle. Diddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle. Bomb.

That's the bit you do. Ow. No. No ow beforehand. Just go. Just a little bit of a cockney ow. No. Ooh.

What about that? No, I want no ah, no ooh. No. Can I go like this? No. How's that for all? Do you like that? Oh, doodly-doodly-doop-doop-doop-doop. Doodly-doodly-doop-doop-doop. Brand off. Off, brand, brand off. I'll do it.

I'm sorry. Just, just, all you got to do is keep it simple. I don't know. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Bomb. Okay.

What's the point of having form and structure if you don't keep, you're like Paolo Ferrari of this segment where you just want to do it different all the time. I don't want to do it different all the time. Just do it. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Boom.

Off-brand-off, off-brand-brand-off, off-brand-off, off-brand-off. Brand-off, brand-off, brand-off. There's no more from you. There's no more from you. Well, that's what it is, Paul. It's off-brand-brand-off. It is, finally.

And what am I going to be tasting and trying to distinguish between today? Well, you made a point a few episodes ago that you would like a particular Off Brand Brand Off challenge. And that would be in the form of tasting a variety of mayonnaises. Mayonnaises. Mayonnaise is an important sauce in my life, Paul. How important? Rank your sauces for me, top three. If I had to only have one sauce left. I'm not doing a top three sauces. Go Rank your sauces for me, top three. If I had to only have one sauce left.

I'm not doing a top three sauces. Just a quick top three. Why not? Because I haven't decided. But mayo's one. Yeah, but I don't know. Would mayo be in your top three? Oh, yeah. Well, then that's all I need to know for now. It wouldn't be in your

top three sauces? Probably, actually. It's in everyone's. HP, mayo, salad cream. Really? I'm a huge fan of ketchup. You don't like ketchup? No. Not a huge fan of it.

I'm not here to judge me. You're a weirdo. Don't you judge me. But mayonnaise is... I can't imagine a world without mayonnaise. Can you? Yeah. It'd be a very impoverished place. If you want. It really would be. It really would be. I love mayonnaise. Can you? Yeah. It'd be a very impoverished place.

If you want. It really would be. It really would be. I love mayonnaise. It's like the worst Twilight Zone episode. Yeah. Picture if you will, a town dry of mayonnaise. Hi, I'd like a sandwich with some mayo. We got no mayo this week.

No, but you wouldn't know what mayo fucking was in a reality without mayo. So play it again, for fuck's sake. Your character does not understand the concept of mayo. Let's go back. I'm coming in again. Right, let's start from Rod Serling. I'm coming in the door.

I'll give you a better lead-in. I'll give you a better lead-in. Oh, God, I don't know what happened to me. Shut up. Give me a sandwich with mayo. Let me give you a fucking better lead-in, all right? He's starting to hurt me. Here we go.

He hurt me. I'm Rod Serling. Right, we'll start again. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-a-ling-a-ling. Give me some mayo. What's that, buddy? May-o? That's right. It's white and gloopy. It makes things taste good. Hey, buddy, if you're a pervert, you get out of here. No!

Don't take me to jail! Neena, neena, neena. Illu-illu-illu. Why is he a Brit? Complicated backstory. You'll never get me, filth. Illu-illu-illu. Anyway, to tell you... complicated backstory you'll never get me filth anyway today I hear you've been

searching for something called mayonnaise you say and we'll leave it there Paul thank you where's the twist ending I'll call you where's the twist ending

where's the twist ending it's a Twilight Zone episode you can't just leave it there oh it's spunk they use spunk that's it that's when you order mayo. Yeah.

You're actually ordering Spunk. Yeah. He goes, at the end of the episode, he stumbles into this big factory and there's this whole row of identical men wanking off into jars. No! And he's like,

no, that's not what mayo is! But in this reality... Soil and green is people. Yeah. In this reality, mayonnaise is spunk. So, Paul. I've always loved mayo. As a child, I did have a bit of a problem with mayo

and mayo-type sauces. Like coleslaw, I used to be wary of coleslaw. Okay. Were you ever wary? No. I often found it was an empty promise. You look at coleslaw and you think, oh yummy yummy

but often when you buy it it doesn't taste of anything it's just crunchy slightly sour mess I don't like I think coleslaw as we have it in this country generally sold in the supermarkets

it's too it's got too much sugar and too much spoffy stuff yeah the spoffy stuff I've had proper good coleslaw made homemade

yes and it's kind of yeah anyway it lacks cream yes so I've had proper good coleslaw made homemade. Yes. And it's kind of... Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. It lacks cream. Yes.

So, we've got five... Five mayonnaisees. Five mayonnaisees for me to try. Now, it's a bit of an international episode of Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off. Brand Off. I am... I'm Richard Brand off. We could have a character.

No, no. No more characters. Joshua was enough. I bet you can't even remember how Joshua goes. He goes, oh, I'm Joshua. No, he wasn't like that. Yeah. I can't even...

I've forgotten. No continuity. 20 minutes it's been. We are going to have the classic element of Off Brand Off, where I compare a brand, in this case Hellman's, I think you'll agree is the most famous. Yes. In the UK

certainly, maybe after Heinz. Or do you think Heinz is pretenders of that throne? I don't think, Heinz obviously has ketchup which is the boss of that. But I think in worldwide I'm just making this up. But I'd say Hellman's

is probably more famous slightly as a mayonnaise. Is Hellman's a popular brand in America for mayonnaise? Is it? I don't know. I thought they might have had their own brand. I think they've got Hellman's. Hellman's is our basic wall. That's the brand.

That's the brand. And we have two Supermark own brand ones. Okay. We have Basics. Sainsbury's Basics Mayonnaise. This is the famously self-deprecating range from Sainsbury's. It always amuses me because they basically have Basics product. Go, this is cardboard, but you're a poor bastard so fucking buy it and enjoy it

and on this 55p compared to the Hellman's which was on sale but it was 150 on sale and yeah on this mayonnaise it says a little less rich great great in a sarnie no saying streets basics

you're saying this is awful tasteless spoff okay and you're a fucking student and you're paying fucking 11 grand a year

and you know alright okay well that's a different discussion you have to eat this crap buy it I once bought

some basic sausages that was like my first shopping trip at university I bought like basically half a ton of sausages. Oh, you don't care?

I don't care about your sausage story. And be careful because of recording the microphone. Be careful. Fuck you. What else have you got? So we've got Sainsbury's Basic. Yes. Tastes like shit, but you're poor.

Then we have Sainsbury's own brand. So we're wondering how much of a difference is going to be between those two flavours. And whether I can even distinguish between the Hellmann's and the Sainsbury's.

I have my doubts. Now, for the international flavour, Paul, we have two international newcomers to the mayonnaise scene here in Britain.

Fill me in. Alright. We've got mayonnaise Kielecki, which I believe is Polish. Okay. mayonnaise thing here in Britain. Fill me in. All right. We've got mayonnaise kieleki, which I believe is Polish. Okay. Poles have a slightly different profile, flavour profile on their mayonnaise and their mustard.

So I don't know if you've noticed that. They have their own thing that they do. I saw the garlic one as well. Garlic mustard they did. Yeah. You can get that now. You can get Hellman's garlic. This is...

What's the name of the company K-Lekki K-Lekki that's your Polish what a pity you don't understand you took me by the yeah that's I'm not interested in that

you took me by the hand not only am I not interested in that no one else is and it's not fun don't point at me how rude don't fucking touch me then right

okay and the last is Kewpie mayonnaise now this has got a noodle tie in of course Kewpie mayonnaise. Now, this has got a noodle tie in. Of course. Kewpie mayonnaise is Japanese, and they eat it on their yakisoba noodles and other dishes,

and wow, yum, yum. Are you recognising that today as well? Are you thinking you're going to pick that out of the lineup? I think that's going to be the easiest, because Japanese mayonnaise has a different flavour. Okay. Okay. So that's going to be the easiest because it does. Japanese mayonnaise has a different flavour. Okay. Okay. So that's your mission, Eli, if you choose to accept. I'll just run.

I'll do this whole bit myself, Paul. You know what this reminds me of? The world's shittest episode of You Bet. Do you remember that? What was You Bet? You Bet was an ITV show where I can't remember who used to present it. Off the top of my head, I can't remember who used to present it. But You Bet was kind of like a guy would come on

and say, I reckon I can recognise the sound... Didn't Groucho Marx present it? No, no, no, no, no. This is... No, that's Bet Your Life. Bet Your Life, sorry. I'm talking about a 90s ITV Saturday night game show

where they had some guests on some celebrities... I can eat seven eggs in five minutes. Kind of. I can recognise lawn eggs in five minutes. Kind of. I can recognise lawnmowers by their starter pensions. And I reckon if I can get seven out of ten, I can do it. You should go on it, Paul. I can list the various mics used to make podcasts and data storage on various laptops

and tell everyone about it because they're so interested in the technical laptops. And oh, buy my video. I will tell you how to be an internet entrepreneur and make classy podcasts. I'm Paul. Shut up. Sit down Paul. Look, stop

getting violent. I'm signing away from the mic so you don't pick me up saying I'm threatening you right now. Shut up. I don't want... Stop waving Joshua at me. I'll wave my Joshua at you. Let's get on and taste some mayonnaise. Your characters today have been awful. Joshua, that one just then.

Richard Brandoff. And he was awful. Hello, I haven't done him yet. None of them have worked. I haven't done Richard Brandoff yet. Book up your ideas and just go on. Richard Brandoff, by the way, everyone, will be appearing at the end of this

to give me my medal once I've distinguished these mayonnaise. How are we doing this? Am I going to give you one at a time to taste and at the end of all five, are you going to take a guess or are you going to guess as you go? If you could just make some notes for me, Paul,

because obviously I'm going to be wearing the blindfold. Yes. Just take down some little, what my predictions are. Okay. I will do that then. If you could. You know the order you're doing them in, yes?

Yes, I've got them in here. So, I'm going to go and prepare my blindfold. And let's taste some mayonnaise. Wow, what an exciting sentence. Hey, everybody. I hope you're waiting at home for the thrilling Taste My Mayonnaise game. A game that, in any other circumstance, would be taken off air.

But it's a podcast, which means you can get away with anything and cool content. Are you ready? He's got a silver tie-on. Tell me where the mic is so I can't see the mic. The mic is...

It's like it's here. Touch it. All right? Take your hand off it now. Okay. All right. So you've got a tie up and you look a little bit like

the character from Fifty Shades of Grey with the sexy ooh kind of tie up games oh what are you doing you're rubbing something on

you're rubbing Joshua on my face yeah just give me the mayo let's get this let's get this show on the road okay here we go so there is a bit of a problem

I'm going to try and do this so you don't know what I'm squirting or scooping from. Should I close my ears whilst you squirt? Yeah. All right, close your ears. Can you hear me? I mean, you probably can hear a little bit. No, go on.

Put a small amount. Is it done? It is done. Here is the spoon. Here you go. This could be one of five mayonnaises. All right, so here's number one. You're having number one.

So what are your instant feelings? It's definitely not the Japanese or the Polish, I would say. This is an English style mayo. Polish. Okay, writing these notes down. It's got a nice creaminess. Polish. Okay. Writing these notes down. It's got a nice creaminess. Nice.

Creamy. Not very sharp on the mustard. Not sharp. Mustard. Yes. It's got a good amplitude. Yes, Mr. Silverman. What else, Mr. Silverman? It's got a good amplitude.

It's an all-round flavour. Amplitude. Amplitude. Something about it is saying it's not Hellman's to me. I don't. Amplitude. Something about it is saying it's not Hellmann's to me. I don't know what it is. Interesting. So my initial guess would be the

standard Sainsbury's own brand. So as a guess, you're saying Sainsbury's own brand. Not the basics, their own brand one. I really want to get this right so I'm going out of the room. Why? So I don't hear you clicking and popping.

No, just put your fingers in the air. We should say to the listeners, some of these are in jars and others are in squeegees. But I don't think you're going to... Where's the bottle of water? You've got juice there. Yeah, give me juice. All right, so I'm going out of the room. Why?

You don't have to go out of the room. I've just got to close my ears. Just close your ears and stand over there, alright? It's all you need to do. It's still here. Yeah, but you're not going to hear a close... Maybe hum to yourself. Fuck me.

Yeah? Keep going. It's not coming out. Oh, come on out. This is the fucking stupidest. Paul, you're giving me clues. Shut up. I can't help it.

I've got to go out. I'm shaking this. It's all done. It's all done. It's all done. It's all done. Come over here, you fucking idiot. The bed's just to the right of you.

Right. Right, so this is the second mayonnaise I should be tasting today. Here we go. The spoon's here. Thank you. Fucking hell. Now let's... That is definitely...

What are you thinking? What's your gut say? At first I thought it was the Japanese but it's not it's not quite salty enough I think that is the Polish stuff

you're saying that's the Polish stuff okay it's got a kind of yeah almost a salad creamy sort of thing which I remember Polish stuff tasting like

okay slightly sweeter sweet slightly sweeter a salad creamy sort of thing, which I remember Polish stuff tasting like. Okay. Slightly sweeter. Sweet. Slightly sweeter. Anything else you want to say? No. Alright, so I've got the basic gist of that. Daring, might I have you clean the spoon? Alright, stick your fingers in your ears.

It's time for another one. Me dears. Ah! Ah! Ah! Here we go. You ready? This is number three. Number three.

There you go. There we go. It's starting to feel a bit like... I've dropped my pad of points. Don't drop your pad of points. Three. What's going on? Is it just the fact that you're eating raw mayo off the spoon?

Oh, a bad reaction. That is unpleasant. Really? That is really not nice. That's really... Compared to the other two, that's really horrible. What's wrong with it? What is wrong with it, my friend?

It's got an unpleasant... I mean, I've just written down so far, er. An unpleasant tanginess. Tang. And then no body. No body. No mouthfeel. The umami's gone.

No mouthfeel. And it's just a bit sort of chemically as well. Oh, no. I would say that's got to be the basics. Basic, you are saying. That's my prediction. It does not taste as nice. Oh, no. I would say that's got to be the basics. Basic, you're saying. That's my prediction. It does not taste as nice as the other two. Okay.

I would be very surprised if that wasn't the basics. It's just got to cry. It's pretend mayonnaise. All right. Good to know. Let's give you another one now. Yeah. Do you want to wash your mouth out?

You wash it out. No, you wash it out. I'm not swearing. I have to wash my mouth out? You wash it out. No, you wash it out. I'm not swearing. I have to wash my mouth out. Ready? I'm going to cleanse my palate. Is that what you meant to say? Yes.

Where's my juice? Just a coffee. Use that. I don't know where you put your juice. You're like an old man. I've got a blindfold on, Paul. Is this the fourth mayo then now? This is mayo number four.

The fourth mayo. I'm ready. Give me the spoon. Here we go. Be careful. The fourth mayo. I'm ready. Give me the spoon. Here we go. Be careful. Oh, here you go. Done all that bit. Oh, what's going on there?

Number four. Doesn't look too happy about that. You look slightly uneasy. I think that's the Polish. You think that's the Polish? Yeah. Why? It's got very...

Why? It's a very salad, creamy so what did i say give me reminding me of my notes because i'm going to change my position i believe uh what notes overall what did i say for one number one you said definitely not japanese or polish i think it's the helman's own brand yeah no you said that was sainsbury's i said it was sainsbury's own brand and then number two i said was the polish yeah number two you said that was Sainsbury's. I said it was Sainsbury's own brand. And then number two, I said, was the Polish, yeah? Number two, you said was Polish. Number three, you said was basic. I think number two is the

Kewpie Japanese. Okay, I'm going to change that then. But you get one last chance to review at the end. Okay. I think number two is the Kewpie Japanese. Three is basic. Four is Polish. That's what I believe. Okay. Alright, well. I'm feeling quite nauseous and you've given me an extra helping

of the Polish. I kind of did that on purpose. I don't want it. Eat it all. I can't. I don't want to eat it all. You're going to have to. Eat it down your gob, mate.

You're too fucking round. You bought five mayonnaises. You could have done three. All right. Here we go. Now, I'm hoping that this last one it clearly speaks to me

Hellman's yeah you want it to be Hellman's I close your ears I'm warning because otherwise my whole calibration is going to be off

and then what happens blah blah blah I will not hear the squeezing of the mayo not today here you go. All right.

It's not exactly, it might not be squeezy. You might have dipped it into the jar. You don't know what I did. I know, but I'm hoping you squeezed it, because I'm hoping it's almonds. Oh, but you just don't know. I might be. Here is your fifth and final mayonnaise.

I might be off brand, brand off. I might be in a fucking quagmire of mayonnaise here, Paul. All right, well, here you go. It might be a world of strange mayo. Yeah, that's the Hellmann's. You think that one's Hellmann's? What makes you so sure? The amplitude, for want of a better word.

And of course, there is no better word. It is the amplitude. It's the overall... Is it creamier? Yeah, it's got a lovely umami mouthfeel. Okay. And yes, the flavours all cohere in the way that a high amplitude foodstuff will. In the way that they will, Paul.

So, to finalise. Man, that was such a good moment when I could taste it was the Hellmann's and my new. Every cog had fallen into place and I will redeem myself in the eyes of the judges of the Brandoff, Brandoff, Brandoff, Brandoff. Richard Brandoff will be coming in in a minute. I really hope he doesn't. He will be. Believe me, he will be. Just to finalise. Number one.

What do you want that to be? What is your choice? You said it was nice and creamy. You said it was not sharp and mustardy. It had amplitude. But you said definitely not Japanese or Polish. You said it was not sharp and mustardy, had amplitude, but you said definitely not Japanese or Polish. You say that was the... What do you say that was?

Sainsbury's own brand. So you're saying... They're standard. They're Sainsbury's own brand. They're not the basics, they're standard. Okay. Number two. At first I thought it was the Polish.

You said it was salad creamier, sweeter. Yes. But thinking back, in comparison to the ones that came after, I think that has to be the QP. Okay, so you're going to say QP for that one? Yeah. Okay, number three.

You said it was... It was a very disgusting... Tangy. It's not something you... It only would work in the background of a sandwich. And that's why they say, this tastes of shit. Put it in a sandwich, though,

with something else and you won't have to taste it, you poor cunt. You poor cunt eating shitty mayo in your fucking bed seat. You've made a very strong... Oh, these are sausages.

They're not worth shit. They're not fit for human consumption. But hey, it's basic. Sure. At least we put it on the patch. Shut up. It is a condom. Shut up. It is a condom. Shut up.

It's got a hole in it. You don't care, you breathing poor cunt. So you think number three is basics? I do. Right, and number four, you said, what did you say for number four? Polish. You said it had that weird fruity, that difference, that kind of, that

otherness. It's a type of mayonnaise flavour profile that we're not used to in this part of the world, Paul. And then finally you said Hellmann's. And it came home like a streak of hot love into my mouth. And it was a very recognisable, homely, you know, that's why Hellmann's is Hellmann's. They got the amplitude, man. Eli. Yes.

I've put your answers into the computer database. There are five there are five five mayos, five mayonnaise and you have a chance of five points. Yes. By the sounds of ding-a-ling-a-linging how many did Eli get right out of five? What do you mean the sounds of ding-a-ling-a-ling? You're about to find out. For everyone you got right, you're going to hear a ding-a-ling-a-linging, how many did Eli get right out of five?

What do you mean, the sounds of ding-a-ling-a-ling? You're about to find out. For everyone you got right, you're going to hear a ding-a-ling-a-ling. Okay. Here we go. Computer, what is the answer? Oh, right, you've done that.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. That's two. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. That's three. One more. Oh, only three. You only got three right out of five. I'd be interested to see which ones I got confused.

So I will say that you... Number two. Can I take my headphones off? Yeah, you can take your eye patches off. Blindfold is the word. I'm back in the room. Here we go. So, in order of what you ate,

the first one was Hellman's. Was the first choice. That's the mistake I made. No. You made no mistake. You just didn't get it was Hellman's. It's fine. Live with it.

No, but that's what I said. It was either Hellman's or I knew it was trying to be Hellmann's. It was trying to be Hellmann's so hard it actually is more Hellmann's-y. That means I now know that the last one I tasted was the Sainsbury's. Yeah, whereas you got Q-Pie, you got Basic and you got the... I got all of those right. Yeah.

I could tell the Polish from the QP. Have a taste of both of them now. A little taste of both now. So you can now that you know which ones they are did I know that's the I was only going to on just the Mayos and the

just worry about the Hellmans and the Sainsbury's yes alright just have a little taste of them both now that you know the answer and see if your opinion's still do you prefer the Sainsbury's one then that even though you know

it's not the Hellmans one they're so similar yeah they're so similar that it was just that story I was telling myself. I know. But. The Hellmans was first, yeah. Hellmans was the first one off the one.

It was good. Yeah. They're very similar. They've got that amplitude. If you notice, I did say amplitude for both the first and the last, didn't I? Yes, you did. I said they were similar. Still, you only got three points out of five, though.

Hellmans, lovely. It's got a lightness. The oil isn't cloying. Yeah. It's got a lightness the oil isn't cloying yeah it's got a lightness to it but you thought the Sainsbury's one was equally as nice

basically yeah let me see now I think it might have a slightly stronger flavour a richer bolder slightly bolder

mmm mmm good well it is the Hellmann's is slightly more more

amplitudey slightly more more amplitude-y slightly more smooth but do you prefer Sainsbury's well maybe yeah if you want to budge it and I confused them

didn't I yeah you did so this is this is a result yes in the off-brand Brandoff file

and Richard Brandoff is coming no he's not there is no Richard Brandoff no I just got a call Paul he's coming he's round the corner oh hello Mr Richard Brandoff he's just No, he's not. There is no Richard Brandoff. No, I just got a call, Paul. Yeah? He's coming. He's round the corner.

Oh, hello, Mr. Richard Brandoff. He's just going to wait for us to finish our dissection, then he's going to come present me with the medal. Okay, so, all right. Where is he? The Spoff medal. Come on, where is he? He's coming. All right.

Do the rest of this thing. We have done. It's finished. Congratulations. You've only got three out of five. We didn't discuss the other three Mayos. But I got right. All right, okay, so. Stop fucking losing impetus, Paul. It's finished. Congratulations. You only got three out of five. We didn't discuss the other three mayos. But I got right. All right.

Okay. So. Stop fucking losing impetus, Paul. That's fine. That's horrible. That's different. Kewpie. Now.

There we go. I wanted to discuss. I wanted to discuss Kewpie. It's 27 minutes of us talking about mayo. I just wanted to discuss Kewpie. Okay. Now. Kewpie is lovely on noodles, Paul.

Yeah. Yakisba style noodles and i implore people to try it if you're looking for some some mayonnaise goodness in your life try some japanese mayonnaise now they're trying to save the world they're manufacturing this authentic japanese mayonnaise in europe so it doesn't have the air miles. I'm the king of mayo. Where's Richard? Is he coming in? Yes.

Is Richard coming in? I'll just go let him in. Yeah, alright. I'll be in here. I'll wait. He's a very important man, Paul. Okay. Okay.

Things I fucking tolerate. Hello. Oh, hello. Are you Mr. Richard Brandoff? Mr. Richard Brandoff. I've got a medal here. I'm in a bit of a hurry. Okay. It's for, hello. Are you Mr. Richard Brandoff? I'm Mr. Richard Brandoff. I've got a medal here. I'm in a bit of a hurry. Okay, it's for Eli.

He's not here. It's called the Spoff Medal, and it's... Best you could think of? I'm Mr. Richard... I couldn't think of anything. Spoff Medal. I can't think.

I can't think. I'm an automaton. This is a great character. I think there's lots of comic mileage in Richard Brandoff. Well, I'd just like to congratulate Eli. Three out of five. Top job.

And, you know, who wouldn't make a mistake? Because you know that the own brand stuff these days is very similar. I know because I'm Richard Brandoff. And that's my whole existence. Goodbye, Paul. You're a dickhead, by the way. Isn't it pathetic that you have to create a fictional character to back up your

mental disturbances oh did I miss him where's Richard did he have to go yeah he had to go he left that spoff medal well I'm very proud at least you know

what was he like he's an awful character with no depth or anywhere to go with him in the future I'm glad we did the mayo Paul I'm quite overjoyed

that I can I can distinguish mayo types from around the world. Yeah? Yeah. What a great segment that was. It's the house of sauces. It's the chutney

palace. Do you have any idea how crap that sounds? The Chutney Palace. The spicy chutney parlour. Everything you say sounds bad. It's not that at all, this segment. It's the cheeky relish room. It's not.

There's no relish, there's no sauces, no chutneys, no spices, no condiments. There's condiments there. But this is not what this segment's about. I'm introducing the House of Pickles as the environment with which the froth shop is like a pop-up in the House of Pickles. All right, I'll take that. All right. Yeah. We've got a froth on today.

We've got a nice... The doors are opening to the froth shop now. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. And it's open for business and... Oh, ha. Ah, hello. Ah, yes. Welcome to the froth shop. Hello. Hello. Can I have some sweets, please, mister? ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling and it's open for business and oh ha ah hello ah yes welcome to the froth shop hello

hello can I like some sweets please mister have you been a good boy this year I've been extremely good have you done well at school I've got straight A's at school then you deserve some candy from Mr Gannon's Fantabulous Froth Shop

ooh and I'll say this as well little boy towards the end you and I shall help each other how do the brand new League of Snacks segment of Cheap Shop so little boy I don't want to do the little boy story anymore

no don't do the little boy story now Paul this is your froth shop and you've got quite a few items to get through today so just whip out the sweets, boy-o. Shall I whip out my hard rock candy? Yes. All right.

I think we'll start with this one because I think you had your eye on it very early on. I did. I'll let you benefit from this. It is this. It's a push pop. Okay. What does a push pop mean?

That it has its casing and you push it out the way that a lady with one of those tampon tubes. It's like that isn't it? Yes, I'm going there. So, is that a push pop? It's like a pring stick. Come back Paul. Oh, it's a fake walk out.

He didn't even get to the door. I've got no energy. I need to poo. Right, let's stop the recording. No, no, no, no, no. I'll be all right. I'll be all right. Anyway, in the thrift shop, I have this brand new lollipop

that uses a mouth with a tongue hanging out as a kind of pacifier ending to it. Would you like to have a little look? Right, so I stick the... It's a fabulous new invention. I think it's called Mouth Pops. Yes, it's quite... Oh, it's rubbery.

The tongue is rubbery. Feel that. There's two different kinds of plastic. There's a hard plastic for the teeth, gums and lips. Yeah. And then there's a rubbery pink tongue coming out. And at the back is the sweet part. So you can put it in your mouth and it looks like you've got another mouth.

And I will be, with your permission, taking a picture of you in that state. Okay, are you ready? So put the big suck in your mouth. You take another one because I'm too busy laughing. Alright.

Do you want to have a look at what you look like? Yeah. Yeah. It's quite ridiculous, isn't it? Pictures showing what's been going on in the House of Pickles in this episode will be up on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Go there, my gawd. There'll be plenty of froth shop pics there.

And it is like the... It's a bit like a sex toy, isn't it, Paul? It looks a bit sex toy-like. I'm going to see what the tongue feels like on my naked helmet. Are you? Are you? No. Right now?

Not really. After the last episode, we're not doing any more sexy stuff. That's not sexy. No, it's not. The idea of you rubbing that on your cock and balls upsets me. But it does look a bit like one of those fleshlights, doesn't it? Yeah, it looks like a... It's like a mouth attachment on a fleshlight, in all seriousness. like one of those fleshlights, doesn't it? Yeah, it looks like a... It's like a mouth attachment on a fleshlight, in all seriousness.

The Rolling Stones logo, isn't it? And it is like the Rolling Stones probably would not be happy if there was some guy from the Rolling Stones Corporation who was in Haringey and saw these in the shop. He would be on the phone... With words of complaint. With Mick going, Hey, Mick, you big Tory cunt.

Okay. Get down here cunt. Okay. Get down here. Anyway. In my froth shop. Ah, ooh, yes. Am I going to say about the taste? Well, you know. It's a very...

Strawberry. Is it strawberry? It doesn't even have that artificial strawberry flavour. Is it just artificial? Is it like toffee apple kind of? Yeah, just sweet. Sweet. There's a bit of strawberry.

It's very flat and weak. Well, I don't want to lick that, obviously, for obvious reasons. But the good thing about this is it has a little... Protective lid. ...kipi cup protective lid, so I can save that for later. And suck it in private. Yes. Which I'm sure you would.

It's a horrible object. Look at that. Well, item number one in the froth shop. I'm going to have to lean on you a little bit obviously because i didn't get to taste that for obvious reasons i'd give it flavor too but for design i mean you could have fun with that you could go up to a girl that you pretended to hate but you really wanted to fuck at school okay more troubling the further you go down that sentence well you could just you, you could have some laughs. Stick it in your arse.

Stick it in your arse, bend over. You could. You could put it in your arse and it would be quite disturbing. It could be like an art piece. Like a Japanese ghost. Like I'm Talking Shit. Yeah. It could do a production of I'm Talking Shit with Eli Silverman featuring my arse.

If not, this podcast is basically cool. Well, there you go. So two, basically, out of five. As a sweet, it's not great. As a toy, it's alright. And the mod, it's quite effective, isn't it? It's 2.5, yeah? Overall.

What's next in the froth shop, daddy? Daddy Gannon. Don't like you saying that at all. This is one for me to taste, I think, now. It is ice cream dips with fruit-flavoured candy, strawberry and vanilla. Who's the manufacturer?

Candy Factory. Candy Factory. Is what it says on the top. It's 69p. Okay. So I was quite intrigued by this, because it's this weird little thing. It looks like weird little thing the base of it is like a little corn corn wasn't the word you wanted to use

what's the word I'm looking for? cone it's got an interesting cone base it's a cone waffle shape waffle cone that you get with a standard ice cream it's mocking that a lot of these sweets these days seem to have a sort of toy aspect to them.

More so than in my day, I'd say. Food for play. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. We used to just get one-piece sweets and they were all just out. Yeah. You know.

You used to be a big train. You used to scoop different sweets into your bag and it was all penny sweets. Now it's all bits of plastic with all faces and superheroes and gadgets and tongues that you can rub on your dick. What madness are you fucking going on your dick what fucking what madness

are you fucking going on about I'm going to lube up this tongue hear that I can thwap the end of my helmet with that

tippy taps thwap my helmet that's the worst this is the worst padding the worst podcast ever is also that I'm having trouble

getting in this fucking wrapping I'm having to use in this fucking wrapping. I'm having to use my teeth now. Don't just throw that on the floor, please. Oh, in the house of precious pickles? Yes. Don't contaminate the chutneys. Here we go.

The pink top comes off, revealing... Ooh. Oh, what's this? Little beads. Little beads. They look like little hundreds and thousands almost, don't they? Very pastely coloured. And then what's in the top there? Is there some kind of dipping mechanism? Yes, little look. They look like little hundreds and thousands almost, don't they? Very pastel-y coloured. And then what's in the top there?

Is there some kind of dipping mechanism? Yes, there is. There's a lot of aspects to this. It's very complicated. It's very complicated. Just pull the shit out, mate. I'm afraid if I do it, it'll go everywhere. Well, give it to me.

Give it to me. No, it's coming. It's coming in, Mian. Don't pop it everywhere. That would be... Oh, it's a little boiled sweet. This is very... You're going to need to take other photos of it dissembled.

Wow. And then you pour it on there. So, you take the little... Take a photo. I'm going to take a fucking photo. This is like a... This is... All my birthdays come at once.

Look at that. It's like modelled an ice cream. And then you... You drizzle the little bits onto the ice cream candy there. Yeah, I guess you do. So you're tasting this I guess. I'm tasting this.

Can you just give me a few of the bits at least? Yeah, I'll pour a few of the bits onto your palm. Say when. Alright. Don't have any until I've had mine. Okay. Me first. Me first!

Alright fine. So what you're going to do? You've figured out the mechanism. Have you figured it out? Yes, you take the boiled sweet out of the lid. It's an ice cream shaped boiled sweet we should all say. So it becomes a handle. And then you push that into the handle, yes. And then you use that as a dipping mechanism to dip into the cone part

of the candy with all the little hundreds and thousands things in. So I'm going to give it a solid licking right now. Before dipping. I see. things in. So I'm going to give it a solid licking right now. Before dipping. I've been grapefruited. So, as a ball to it, it tastes

alright. Is it ice creamy? What's the flavour? Are you getting any flavour? It's strawberry and creamy. It's not too strong. Get it in the dip. I'm strawberry and creamy. It's not too strong. Okay. Now get it in the dip. I'm dipping it in. Oh and it's stuck a treat. It is stuck as a treat. So let me have a proper suck of this.

Okay I'm going to taste them now. I'm not tasting the whole experience here. Oh they're quite nice. Me like. Yeah, me like. They're nice. They're nice, but they're fun. They're a bit sherberty.

Yeah. Very artificially, but in that kind of pleasing way. Satisfying artificial fizz. Man, if I was a kid, I'd go mad for that shit. Very nice. Give me a few more of those. It's vanilla flavoured, is it? Strawberry and vanilla.

I wonder if they've got other ones, because I'd be willing to try that. And again, it has the saving aspect. You can save your sucky thing for later. I bet parents love these things. Put it back in the lid with the tongue pop as well. You could maybe dip that in there and try it.

Shall I do that? Why not? I'm going to dip my funky mouth push pop into the... It's a fucking sweet fusion here. Here, and then putting it in there. Oh, see, you get a treat. Yeah.

Has it made the mouth more fun if you've dipped your balls on it? That has definitely made the bush pot more fun to dip in the... Well, there we go. So maybe all it's lacking is a dip element. Oh, you've spilled your balls. Don't spill the balls everywhere. Right.

Now we need a mark. Now I can seal it all up and have it later on. You don't have to. You can have your daily sugar allowment. Later on at my leisure. I'm going to give that four out of five. Four out of five. Solid four.

Solid four. That's a good... 69p. Bobbies, watch your ass. Candy factory. Candy factory's on you. So let's now go... To Bobbies.

To Bobbies. To Bobby's. Now, this is a toy as well as a candy. So let's have a look at this. Oh, my God. Now, see, I said you shouldn't get this because this is just... Bad? It's a toy. I mean, it's a...

It is. A keepy-uppy game sort of thing. It's a Bobby's pop and catch fun game with strawberry flavoured lollipops so there's a lollipop

built into the handle but on the top there's kind of like a what's that badminton kind of well it looks like a shuttlecock tail

but it's in fact a little cage that holds a little ball and you obviously pop it up and try and catch it, which would be a bit of exercise. So, you know, they're at least trying to get you to burn a few of the calories

that you needlessly consume when you have this. So, obviously, let's play with the toy a little bit. There's two balls in here. Yeah, so you can play with a friend yeah you would lose one and i'll be keeping this uh to put in my uh oh it's interesting in my little uh shelf of interesting shelf of interesting plastic because the ball is like a lattice ball yeah it's quite nice goes with my other sort of ball shaped plastic bits so it's got a little handle with a little bit of plastic here when you click it it tautens it and makes the ball go into the air.

So now I'm going to try and fire said ball out of the catcher on the top of the candy, into the air, and catch it back, hopefully, in the hand from whence it came. Go on. Shall I give it a go? Give it a go. Fail!

He failed, everyone. It doesn't hit it that high. Have you lost it as well? My ball's lost in the house of pickles. Now, I wouldn't try and recover that. You might come across some chutney stores from the Middle Evelies. Middle Eves?

Middle Ages. Middle Medieval period of British history. Anyway, that was a lot of fun. Now, can I have a go, please? For the three seconds. Can I have a go with my ball, please? Which I won't lose. I'll show you how it's done, Paul.

Alright. Basic catching. Be aware it doesn't go that high. Wow. You didn't catch it at all, did you? It flew miles. Oh, yeah. Did it now.

What's going... Oh! He caught it. And it was off the rim. Off the rebound. That's quite fun, actually, isn't it? For about one quarter of a second. Yeah, it's fun for that minute of going,

oh! Now, are you going to taste the... It's a strawberry flavoured pop. I bet it's a generic one. I bet it tastes the same as that one. The bobbies are selling this item on the toy aspect. You know, the strawberry is just a... It's just the ipso facto go-to flavour for all their hard-boiled candies, I reckon.

It seems to be. I bet it's an easy flavour to make a hard-boiled candy from. So I'm unscrewing the bottom now. Oh! And it's only a little lolly. I mean, how much was this? It was a pound, I think. Well, you're paying for the toy, aren't you?

You are paying for the toy. No, it's not. I mean, how much was this? It was a pound, I think. Well, you're paying for the toy, aren't you? You are paying for the toy. Because if you give it to a baby, pop, game over. Baby lose ball forever or choke on baby. Not take on baby. Baby choke on ball. Paul speak English very good. So, I'm going to have a suck

of this strawberry. Have a little lick of that. You could also dip that in our ice cream dip couldn't you I could but I'm just going to savour this as it is as presented go for it it's a bit anemic and weak

he's gone for the crunch everyone it's very generic yeah remember the old cheap lollipops you used to get He's gone for the crunch, everyone. It's very... Generic. Yeah. Remember the old cheap lollipops you used to get? Yeah. That had that kind of weak strawberry flavour.

That's it. Like that, but even softer. I think that's basically what my mouth push pop probably tasted like as well. And again, you've got the saving aspect because you can screw it back into the handle and protect it from outside elements. All three of these items have got the aspect where you can save your work for later on and get to work on it later. Which is fine. Oh, I've dropped my ball. I'm putting the ball in the house of plastic goofballs.

Yeah, I think you should rescue that ball. Oh, we've got more candy. Got quite a lot of candy. Let's move on. Okay. So something we could try. We bought this because it was 20p. Hot popping candy. Got quite a lot of candy. Let's move on. Okay. So something we could try. We bought this because it was 20p. Hot Poppin' Candy, you think.

Poppin' Candy. Poppin' Candy's it. Hot. And it says it's chilli and cherry flavour. Now I'd be, and this is Bobby's, and I'd be very interested to see if they've gone for one of these Outre flavour combos and it's worked again.

Because the curry, can we just say again, the limited edition curry sauce flavour potato snacks were outstanding. Outstanding. They were outstanding. An outstanding snack. Yes. So I'm hoping that the flavour magicians at Bobby's

have done something good here as well. Well, let's find out. Because if you remember, Paul, when we were in the shop, you said popping candy. I said, nah, it's played. It's cliched. It's over with. We've done it the shop you said popping candy i said nah it's played it's cliched it's over with done it but then you said oh but it's chili and cherry and i immediately changed my mind because it is an interesting flavor combo now i'm going in you're going the whole pack what's that all about whoa i like that

the warm definitely has some chilli heat there and it's sweet because of the cherry which works nicely actually with the heat it's got that real artificially cherryade kind of flavour doesn't it, cherry cokie that's quite hot

I like it. That has got some chilli in. Now, we've never had anything that exotic. No, not in our day. Anything near that. Weren't there those Fireball Gobstoppers, though? What were they? Oh, they just tasted soapy.

That is... I like that. That might be... That's a 3.5 out of 5 for me. Only because I don't find Poppin' Candy overall very satisfying a snack. No, I mean, it That might be enough. That's a 3.5 out of 5 for me. Only because I don't find popping candy overall very satisfying a snack. No, I mean, it's a gimmick. For what it is, that's a 3.5. The flavour combo. Almost a 4.

Yeah, I'm going to go for a 4. Fine. I quite like it. Got a nice after-mouth feel. Yeah. Enjoyable, that. It's good to get people into chilli as well at an early age. Because, you know, there's too much hatred against hot food.

Yeah, and I think this is a nice... I was going to say backdoor way of doing it. You stick it up your backdoor, Paul. You rub this pop... What happens if you put popping candy in a wet rectum? Well, let's find out. No, let's not. OK, these are Bobbies again.

These are 30p. Oh, Bobbies, Bobbies, Bobbies. Blue Raz shots. They're rad. No, they're ard. They're ard. These are ard. Sour, bobbies, bobbies, bobbies. Blue Raz shots. They're rad. No, they're ard. They're ard. These are ard. Sour blue raspberry flavoured candy balls. Okay. So let's have a look. I'm getting all hyper

because I've had some sugar! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee They're little blue balls. They're really that simple. They're really just rasp balls. These are almost exactly the same colour as the Meeseeks off Rick and Morty. They are like little Meeseeks heads. Right, let's have it. Oh, they're very hard. They're very hard. Is that blueberry flavour? Yeah.

Mmm. They don't taste very sour. No. The sour is kind of underpowered, isn't it? He's gone in. He's gone for a crunch. I'm sparing my teeth here. It's a refreshing little boiled sweet snack.

It's like an aniseed ball consistency. Yes. But blueberry favour. Quite a clean, refreshing blueberry taste. I'd say so, yeah. You're right as well. It's definitely the exact same texture as a classic aniseed ball. But aniseed balls, if you remember, Paul, used to have that little seed in the middle.

Yeah, I like that, though. Strange. Yeah. Old things put in a sweet. Yeah. But, I like that, but, again, nothing amazing. A nice little sweet to suck on if you really had the time. That is nice.

I like the blueberry flavour. How do you say three? I'll go for a 3.5. Yeah, but when you eat them, you look like a pirate. Arr, blue ball. Captain Blue Ball. No. A hard you eat them, you look like a pirate. Arr, Blue Ball. Captain Blue Ball. Arr, Jim Lab. Arr.

There's another one of your great characters coming up. No. Captain Blue Ball. Captain Brandoff. Finally, a change to the regular programming. Wow, they're nice. That blueberry. Nice, isn't it?

It's very nice. The flavour's very pleasing. Finally, anyway, in this nice. That blueberry. Nice, isn't it? It's very nice. The flavour's very pleasing. Finally, anyway, in this section of the prop shop, we are going to Osmo Biscatas.

Strawberry treasure. Treasure hunt game inside. Not interested. Mini chocolate biscuits with strawberry creme You're not

interested in the treasure hunt game? No. Why has a pirate theme come up with this? Weird. Maybe psychologically

I saw it coming. This is pirate themed. Comes in a little box, and inside the box, if you turn it inside out, it looks like there's a little treasure map game. I'm opening it. It's a treasure map inside, Paul. Is it?

It's a treasure map inside the box that you've torn open like a savage. But we're not here for the treasure map. No, we're here to taste these. Taste these biscuits. Have you described these biscattas? Strawberry treasures to the listener? Ooh.

These are mini chocolate biscuits with a strawberry creme. I literally said that a few minutes ago. Well, I didn't hear you. Sniff that. I'm going to sniff your pirate sack. Wow. Well played. Ah, that...

You like it satisfying? Why don't you have the first taste? Okay, here we go. Have the first taste. Here, and these are strawberry filled, and they're shaped like starfish. Chocolate starfish, Paul. Are they?

Yeah. They have little starfish on them. Yeah. I'm not even lying. No, they look more like little... Oh, look, this one's got a picture of an octopus on. This one's got... This one's got a starfish.

I don't know what that is. They've got a nice little design on them. They've This one's got a starfish. I don't know what that is. They've got a nice little design on them. They've got a little drawing on each one. Yeah. I don't know what that says. That's a flag, isn't it? Oh, yeah, it's a skull and crossbones flag. Skull and crossbones.

Arr, pirate chocolate. What's that? That's like a second mate's hat. All right. I just made that up. Doesn't matter. I'm going to test one. Not that great. They're not that great, are they? No. No. It's a cream matter. I'm going to test one. Not that great.

They're not that great. No. No. It's a cream filling. It's like a fondant. It's not too strawberry, which surprised me. I thought it was going to be much stronger. I'll describe that as a fondant.

And you can taste some cocoa in the biscuit part. The biscuit envelope. Yeah. The biscuit part's nice. That's quite nice. It's all right. Another three. I'll go for a three.

I'll concur with you there. That's lovely. All three. I'll go for a three. I'll concur with you there. That's lovely. Alright, so that's the froth shop. You know what they'll be getting? What? Some cereal. Just to jazz up some cereal. Yeah, I kind of understand what you mean.

That's some nice cold milk. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Pardon. Mmm. Vuh-vuh-vuh-vuh-vay.

Alright. So, out of the five items, what would you pick? Would you go for the hot chilli? Would you go for the ice cream? Paul, as we were discussing the other day I am not a particularly sweet tooth Also, I'm not a seven year old child That's not what your online profile says So I wouldn't buy any of these

but in terms of mouth enjoyment I think it's the blueberry balls. I know you were quite underwhelmed by Bobby's blue raspberry. But that is a nice blueberry flavour. And that is not a flavour that was ever included in the gamut of flavours that I was exposed to as a child. You had strawberry. If you were very lucky, you had raspberry. Lemon.

And lemon. I like a good lemon sherbet, though. Yeah, I mean, no one's saying I don't like it. But I like the expanded flavour range. We've got cherry with fucking chilli there. The thesaurus of flavours in this thing. Great. So I like that artificial blueberry flavour on those balls.

You liked sucking on those blue balls, did you? I liked cumming in a tramp's mouth. Hard. So you can hear it. You can hear the pellets have come, spapping the back of his dry old throat like that. Anyway, Mr. Silfman, ting-a-ling-a-ling, I must turn the shop sign from open to closed.

Bush. It's a lock-in because this is where a secret society meets and this secret society is called the League of Snacks. Dun-dun-dun. Yes, it's time for the League of Snacks, Paul. We've been threatening this. Anyone listening now is invited into our secret organisation, the League of Snacks, where we take

snacks, crisps, mini bites and we rank them and just see if those lists that Dave posts every now and then or the kind of click-baity things you see on Facebook of tier snacks. This is an antidote to all of that. An antidote. Here is an actual, a scientifically approached system

of crisp and snack-related snack calibration that is coming down hard. We're bringing the science to snack evaluation. Here on Cheap Show, this is the official league of snacks and crisps let's call it the hierarchy i'll call it what i like paul no i'll call it what i like you can call it what you like i'll call it right we're splitting the league no you can't split the league already we're splitting the league in two i'll have my own league of crisps and snacks and you can have your fucking league of snacks shit Shit, which is shit.

I'm telling you now, it's shit. Shut up. Right. So, shut up. Every episode we do the League of Snacks, right, we will take a snack, maybe it's a well-known brand, maybe it's an up-and-coming underdog, right? Hey.

And we will rank them out of ten on four areas. And we've discussed these. As we discussed in the previous episode. Let's have a little description of each area, just so we can set in stone. Paul, in your inimitable and immortal words, let's lay the lay of the land out. Let's not blow

the goose on this. Okay. So, category number one is texture. Overall mouth feel. Is it meant to be crispy? Is it meant to be soft? Is it meant to be crunchy? You know what I mean? Absolutely. Yeah. It's important. It's got to say what it says on You know what I mean? Absolutely. Yeah, it's important. It's got to say what it says on the tin. I mean, crisp, if you think about it,

the word itself describes the texture. I mean, I think it's apt that you brought that up first. Thank you. Because texture, crisp, if a crisp ain't crisp, what is it, Paul? It's a flop. It's a floppy piece of mouth wet. Yes, floppy mouth wet. Right, so we'll be rating crisps out of 10 on texture.

Category number two, value for money. Those two-pound bags of crisps, the kettle brand, are they worth two pounds of anyone's pence? Well, I would argue no. You'd probably disagree, Paul. On certain flavours, but we'll come to them in time. Because you can get maybe some of them on a bargain deal for a pound, therefore are they worth...

They've definitely come down in price. Kettle chips aren't seen as the ooh-la-dee-da that they were in yesteryear. No, because it's become quite the common thing to get those kinds of snacks. I remember when they first came out, everyone was walking around with their fucking mouth on the floor. Yeah. It was a crazy new time to be alive. Yeah, I got it. I was moving on.

Excuse me. Pig. Fat. Cunt pig. I'll fucking dip. Air. No. I've been gul. What? I'll fucking dip. Just air. No, finger in the air.

Mate, I've been gulping spoons of spoffy mayo. Excuse me. I have a digestive system. I don't even poo. Here we go. I just disseminate via molecule.

Value for money anyway is option number two. Is our second thing. Number three. Speak for yourself. Number three is nostalgia factor. The third three is nostalgia factor. The third factor

is nostalgia factor. Does the crisp taste as good as it used to be? Is it better than it was? For instance, do we like it more simply because it's an old dear friend?

And how strong is the nostalgia moment when you return to these crisps? Perhaps on a Sunday afternoon you've had a little wank into a sock. Well, as you do, Paul,

as we've discussed. You boring little man. Jesus. Right. I'm not doing the podcast anymore. Boring little... Stop eating. Oh, now he's starting

to try and fucking... He's trying to make me angry. Anyway, nostalgia factor through number three. Nostalgia factor, Paul. The moment, the little nostalgic moment

we have when we eat a crisp. And number four, simple as this, flavour. What does it taste like? It's flavour, mate. What does it taste like? It tastes like flavour.

What's the flavour, mate? What is the flavour taste like? It's just simple factor. What is the fucking flavour? Don't say you're cheese and onion and offer me nothing of the sort. Don't give me

a beefy breath off. That's a separate issue altogether. So, we're going to crack on with our first entrance into the League of Snacks. And I can say this, Paul. It's a corker. It is. We thought we'd go out maybe a bit obviously. We'll set the lay of the stand out.

We thought we'd set up our stall with a classic. And we both agree this is a great one to start the league off with. It is. It used to be Smith's, but it's not anymore, is it? It's Walker's. Walker's with a classic. And we both agree this is a great one to start the league off with. It is. It used to be Smith's, but it's not anymore, is it? It's Walker's. Walker's are buying up all the old brands.

But it is Monster Munch roast beef flavour. Now, you can't go wrong. You can't go wrong with Monster Munch. Now, do you remember when Walker's... Now, Monster Munch, for people of a certain pedigree, is an absolute classic snack. They had a very Muppet Show-esque set of Monster characters, didn't they? That adorned each sack of crisps, depending on which character went with the snack flavour.

And you can see on the pack, the Monster's mouth used to have a clear panel on the actual original packets in which you could actually see the Monster Munch inside. Not no more. Not now no more. Not no more. Now no more. They've got a photograph of some in the Monster's mouth.

That's not good is it? Now what's interesting about this snack as well as that, over the course of the years it went from how we remembered it growing up in the 70s and 80s to tiny packs in the 90s, half the size, very lightweight and Tiny packs in the 90s. Half the size. Very lightweight and flavourless. And the people complained. People complained. So what did walkers do when they bought it?

Very cleverly span it. So it was like, we're going to bring back the original crisps. Remember from the 70s? Nostalgia. Yes. So they brought back the big bags and the old logo. Do you remember for a time the packs, the new the relaunched old school style ones used to have new old. Yeah, new

old flavour. Yeah, which was a first at the time. And they went back to the proper size. I mean flavour. They taste like they used to. Are they because of new e-numbers and organic flavourings and stuff? Is it just because I'm getting older and things just don't taste as much and when I get really old,

nothing will taste of anything and I won't be able to see? Knobgags! Right. So, we've talked no more. We've set the premise up, basically. A good British snack, famous with kids. A good child snack.

Hearty, crunchy, good size. What were the original flavours? I think they were beef and definitely pickled onion. Yeah, but what was the other flavours I think they were they were beef and definitely pickled onion yeah but what was the other one was it salt and vinegar

I think they may have that might have been pink they may have had like a plain do you think they ever had a plain let's have they wouldn't have had a plain

in the 80s the flavours were sizzling bacon cheese and onion king prawn and salt and vinegar what hang on

let me go to let me read the whole page. That was just a highlight it brought up to show off. They're saying the pickled onion and the roast beef weren't even an original flavour of Monster Munch. No, no, no. This is like the Mandela effect. No, I'm getting this wrong. Let me have a look.

Paul, you're screwing with my brain. Monster Munch was released in Britain in 1977 by Smiths originally called Prime Monster, a play on Prime Minister, and was decided to rename the snack Monster Munch in 1978. Yeah, one year later after they thought that's not working. It's not a good name at all. It was to use the politician to sell food to children.

Advertised as the biggest snack pennies can buy. There was also a Monster Munch club where you could get a little badge and things with all the characters on. Oh yeah, I remember that. And also, Paul, we've got to mention that they did also on the original ones, as well as having the see-through window in the Monster's mouth, which you could see the Monster Munches inside,

they also had directions on how you could put your Monster Munch packet in an oven and shrink it down and it'd be a little brooch-sized. People still do it on Etsy. Do they? Yeah, and sell it for money, pricks. Anyway, in the 80s, four main monsters were featuring on the packets.

Here are they. Okay. Pink monster. Tall, pink, gangly creature with a floppy tongue. Roast beef. That is cool, isn't it? He's the cool one. He's the good one, yeah.

Blue monster. A blue creature that looked like Thog from the Muppet Show but wears a hat. See, very much influenced by the Muppet Show. Now, here's the good one, yeah. Blue monster. A blue creature that looked like Thog from The Muppet Show but wears a hat. See, very much influenced by The Muppet Show. Now, here's the thing. The blue monster both represented the flavour salt and vinegar and sizzling bacon. Well, the blue I can see. Yellow monster. A yellow, one-eyed creature with a red nose, cheese and onion, or saucy.

It was a saucy flavour. I think the saucy was the original one. And then orange Monster, Fat Orange Creature with Pink Hair, Pickled Onion or Giant Prawn. So I think it went to Giant Prawn then came back to Pickled Onion when they rebranded it. Now, you do not have Prawn flavoured Monster Munch these days. No, because that

was from the 90s. Oh. Without any further ado, let's talk about the Crispin' Hand. Okay. Open in the back. Again, reminds you of the 70s. Oh, nice, big... I mean, it's a corn snack, isn't it? It's not a potato. It's a corn.

It's a maize snack. Maize snack. Which we are including, because you'd be silly to not include. That's why we call it League of Snacks. And crisps. It is a monster's claw. Each snack itself is shaped like a monster's claw yeah

nice beefy flavour four fingered claw on the nostalgia pool just the smell of it makes me think school lunch boxes 1980s when we used to get taken jumpers for goalposts it's when we used to get taken swimming.

Right. Do I need to know the answer? At the Swiss Cottage swimming pool, they'd have a little crisp vending machine. We used to get this out. I always get that out. So I almost can smell the chlorine as I inhale this. You know?

For me, school dinner halls. Pat lunch. Monster munch. So you just went ahead and ate. Not when there's no ceremony. Anyway, I'm going to taste it I had to go straight in Apparently Now that is just an outstanding

Snack experience isn't it It has to be said It's so crunchy And dense Really crunchy And flavourful Yeah And potent

And you know what's weird about it There's a weird sense of Hot tomato soup You're talking about the umami Yeah It's the mouth feel There's that kind of Almost tomato soup you're talking about the umami yeah it's the mouthfeel is that kind of almost tomato soupy flavor yeah that's the umami that you're picking up on yeah give me the crisp oh but also what used to appeal to them to me about them is it sometimes you get a kind of little vacuum when you're yeah when your tongue when your tongue

pops a bubble and you get a sticky thing almost like a danger almost like ooh danger my tongue's getting damaged a bit of risk a bit of risk associated

similar to people who melt skips on their tongue and also people who do that with quavers quavers gives probably the biggest effect

they are satisfying and smith square crisps they also have that same effect sometimes do they yeah if I get my hands People who do that with quavers. Quavers gives probably the biggest effect. They are satisfying. And Smith's Square Crisps. They also have that same effect sometimes. Do they? Yeah. If I get my hands on some Square Crisps, we're trying those. Anyway.

We need to coin a term for that aspect of certain May snacks where they stick to your tongue and get all sort of sucky. Attachment. Attachment factor. The attachment factor. Okay. So, with that in mind, let's go through the five right now. Okay? Yes.

So, I'm going to make a note of this with Joshua and a pad of paper. So, we're going to have to come to an agreement together on this. Oh, we have to be unanimous? Yes. I think it's only fair. We can barter it then. Okay. So, for texture, what do we give it?

Texture for Monster Munch. I'm saying it's one of the strongest aspects of the whole enterprise. I'm going to have to say 9. I agree fully. I mean, I don't know what else it has to do to be a 10. It's a brilliant texture. And I bet it compares favourably to other things such as Transformers Snack, which try and be a bit like that, but haven't got the...

Haven't quite got the grasp. They don't. No. The true texture. So nine, I think, is fair, isn't it? Yeah. All right. So we're unanimous on that.

Unanimous on nine. So value for money now. I think that packing bag was a bigger bag. It was 80p. Yeah, see, it's not great value for money these years. Not great. It still takes you a minute or two to get through them. It's not like you can inhale them and they're gone.

No, but... For a proper fucking effort. Yeah, but, you know, they have gone up a lot, haven't they? I mean, crisps used to be... The mark will be bad. They were like 30p, weren't they? 30p, 40p maybe in our day. For years and years and years.

Yeah. Now it's like the best part of a quid, basically. But if you get it on a meal deal with a sandwich and a drink in like Sainsbury's or Tesco, you kind of don't miss the difference. It's good. And you're right. It's quite substantial. Yeah.

I'm going to say a middling score. I'm going to say seven. Shall we say seven for value for money? I'm happy to say seven, actually, as well. Yeah, it's a middling. They're not great value for money, but they're not terrible either. That's fine. That's fine.

So, nostalgia. This is a big nostalgia snack. It's a 10. It has to be a 10. It's a 10. It's no other snack will we touch on, really, here, be as nostalgic as that. It has the nostalgia snack. It's a 10. It has to be a 10. It's a 10. No other snack will we touch on really here be as nostalgic as that. That has the nostalgia power.

Yeah. A powerful brand nostalgia. So much so that they had to bring back the originals because people weren't having it. The little mini Monster Munch bullshit.

It dissolved the brand. You know, and I think they've... Have we spoken about this before? They experimented in the 90s with flavours like ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream.

And they had chilli and that doesn't really work for me either. Either way. There's only two real flavours. The most nostalgic snack in the world. I mean, and that is the most nostalgic flavour of the most nostalgic. It's like when you see adverts about the 80s, and there's like a montage and stuff. You always see a packet of Monster Munch in an advert, you know, or on a t-shirt. You do.

So, 10. 10. And finally, flavour. A good solid eight, I think we have to say. It's a strong flavour. I was going to say nine, but I think

these aren't as strong as they used to be. They don't seem to be as strong as they used to be. So, I'm going to go with you with eight. I think eight's fair, isn't it? I mean, this is a strong crisp.

Yeah, so... It's a strong snack. And I think a good start and a good uh a yardstick by which we can measure uh lesser snacks as they come into the cheap cheap show uh froth shop uh well is it a froth shop it's the back room what's Special knock. Here we go. Ready? Yeah. Hello? The password is frothy. You told me it then. So can I come in?

Oh, sorry. Yeah. All right. I didn't see that through. Great. Welcome to the League of Snacks. Nine plus seven equals 16. 16 16 Paul plus 10

I can't believe you asked me that equals 26 yes plus 8 equals 34 no yes 34

so out of a possible 40 points Monster Munch gets 34 yes Monster Munch roast beef flavour Monster Munch roast beef flavour Monster Munch roast beef flavour yes

we will in time I think come to pickled onion we'll have to do the pickled onion we're going to have to but for now 34 is the score to beat on our cheap show

exclusive League of Snacks right let's wrap this up let's wrap this up we've got another episode and it's almost 5 o'clock alright we'll do it we'll do it

don't worry. So thank you for supporting us on Patreon. If you want to do so, no matter how little you give or how much you give, it's all appreciated. Go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Our website has a page for every episode

with pictures and things. Why not go to it? It's thecheapshow.co.uk and find an episode that you want to use your eyes at. What else? Use your eyes at? Yeah, to look at and listen to the episode. Don't you do fucking do

this to me. Just for the Patreon thing, Paul, I think I should mention. Oh, the nozzle. My beard is... Don't eat crisps when I'm trying to do a bit.

Alright. Go on. I'm opening my mouth. Yeah. Why are you opening your mouth as well? Come on. Move that crisp away

from your mouth. Oh, my beard is coming back. Oh, he's eating his crisp, everyone. My beard is coming back through. And so, the nozzle man... Cometh. He may cometh. All over your face, neck and chest.

No, I don't cum on people, Paul. You must have done that once. What? You must have chucked your muck over a lady at one point. I don't. We're not doing this, Paul. Yeah, fair play. All right.

Have you? You don't even care. I do. You don't care. All right, I don't care. No. Anyway, join us on Twitter, at The Cheap Show Pod.

On Twitter, I am at Paul Gannon Show. Eli is... Eli Snoid, which you can spell E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D If you want to send in Tales from the Shop Floor anything you see that you might want us to read out on the show

go to your email and send us at no send us emails from no from your email go to your email are you ok Paul?

yes I'm having a mental breakdown go to your email type up an email and deliver it to thecheapshow at gmail.com. If you've got towels on the shop floor, send them our way. We really want to see some ones which have not got poo weed.

Or sick in. Or sick. So that's just, it doesn't mean don'ts. It just means we're looking for more variety. Or maybe some dried bogey. I could go for some dried bogey. Spunk is also on the table. Also, Reddit page

You can get along with the conversation there That is reddit.com forward slash r forward slash Cheap show and that's basically it You can see us on Varsions on Fridays On YouTube 100,000 subscribers now We're legit Paul I'd just like you to publicly Here at the end of the podcast

Congratulate me on my performance In Brand Off Brand Off, Brand Off. No, you are not getting any kind of performance for your performance of. I can't think. You can't speak. I'm tired of your fucking anti-characters. Well, you can't speak.

This episode's over. This episode's over. Fuck you. You're not getting anything for any of your characters as weak and as... They're just different angry voices. Richard Brand Off's coming back in.

He's going to spank you. Oh. And he's not going to congratulate Eli. I gave him that medal. Come on, give me an excuse. I'll fucking kill you. Give me an excuse to hit you.

Paul. Give me an excuse. I'm Richard Brandoff. I'm an old man. Don't threaten me. Right, well, this was a successful episode. I've wet myself.

Right, that's great. Bye, everyone. Say bye. Bye. right well this was a successful episode I've wet myself right that's great bye everyone say bye bye