CheapShow - Ep 69: Sexy Times

Episode Date: February 19, 2018

It's finally here! The episode you have either craved... or feared... The SEX episode. As you can imagine, the contents of this podcast can be quite blunt and graphic at times, so please listen with that caution ringing in your brain! If you decide to listen, then be prepared to hear about sexual firsts, personal proclivities, shocking revelations and more! Eli and Paul delve into Poundland's brand of sex toys and, in the process, discover something truly shocking when they explore some interesting sex "life hacks". Finally, the gents open up the Inbox and read out YOUR listener CheapShow Slash Fiction... It will arouse, appall and probably make you tear off your ears. Oh, and Ash turns up too (we probably should've told him that we'd changed our meet up plans)! Episode "69" is the long awaited SEX episode. Don't say you weren't warned! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow @elisnoid & @ashfrith If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Hello, the following episode of Cheap Show may be uncomfortable for some to listen to. We're quite open, quite brazen, and things get a little bit racy. If at any point you feel uncomfortable listening to this episode, please stop and listen to one of our more genial episodes instead. With that in mind, here is our sixth episode of Cheap Show. Whenever you rent or buy a video, you need to be sure that the film you choose is suitable for the audience at home. To help you, there are certificates given to films which tell you broadly what the film is like. This film has been classified 18, which means it's for adults only.

It's an offence for your shop to supply an 18 video to anyone under that age, so don't ask them to break the law. An 18 film will certainly have an adult theme and might well contain strong scenes of sex or violence, which could be quite graphic. It may also contain some very explicit language, which will frequently mean sexual swear words. Video certificates are there to give you the chance to make an informed choice. They allow you to have peace of mind and be entertained.

Thanks for listening. Right, Eli, this is the long-awaited sex episode of Cheap Show. So your intro has to be not only the sexiest intro in the world, but possibly the most sexy intro

we've ever done on this podcast. So it's all up to you now to set the tone for the rest of this show. I want to be aroused when you finish this. I want to be tenting. Same thing.

I want to be... No, not aroused. I can be tenting same thing i want to be no not right i can be emotionally aroused but i want what do you mean well like you know oh i've got the tingles i'm mentally engaged sexually so i want you to make this prod up all right so in your own time, give us the sexy intro to Cheap Show. Eli, go for it. Oh, don't want to see no panties. Okay, alright. Oh, don't want to see no panties. Why are you doing it in that voice? Sexy voice, Paul.

Hello, sexy voice. Hello. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time. You've been waiting. You've been getting a wet niffy. And now I'm all slick around me goolies. Don't want to see no panties. It's cheap.

Short sex edition. Oh, you're going to love it. It's cheap. Short electric blue. Oh, bound chicken. Wow.

Oh, the weight of my nuggets. What does that even mean? It means Paul. Yeah. My nuggets are so full of love juice that they're weighing me down. I'm dragging me lovely love logs along the floor and I'm seeping clear as the day. Pre-com out the end of my little knob.

My metus is weeping. I don't want to see any panties. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the sex episode of Cheap Show. I've got a great big frothy knob jockey on. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the Darks. How's the big guy? A fight of the shite. A little gun and saying hello. Eli Silver.

Welcome to Che a look. Eli Silver. Welcome to the show. And I'll go and I'll nuzzle. Hey, sexy listener. Hello. We have been promising you this for a long time. And now we're going to give you every single inch of it. Now, in all seriousness, dear listener, I think we should come clean, Paul. Yeah, I'm going to give you every single inch of it. Now, in all seriousness, dear listener, I think we should come clean, Paul.

Yeah, I'm going to come clean. It won't be clean. No, it'll be filth. We do both have large butt plugs in. I am plugged up. You're plugged up with a butt plug. I am plugged up. And I've gone for the love balls.

Have you? The love beads. And I can hear them rattling internally. Why are they rattling inside of you? Is your anus that gaping? Yes. So,

the reason why we thought we'd do a sex episode was because I think every now and then we need to work it, we need to deliver on what I think a lot of people

look at us at. They look at us and they think, ooh, Eli, ooh, Paul, you're sexy middle-aged men who have beards and small penises i want to get with that because as a listener i feel like i know you more than i

realistically do and so i want to feel your voice inside my ears tonight oh as you really don't want to see any panties i don't want to see any pant and. I don't want to see any panties. And men, this is not just for ladies. Men, I hope you get fully rock hard listening to this podcast over the course of the next hour. I honestly hope they don't. Why not, though? Why can't men enjoy this sexually? Isn't it about the subject of the sex?

We might have. It's not a porn. It's not a pornographic podcast. It's going to get porny. It's going to get pretty intense. Is it? Yeah. If this episode does not end with me in you,

then I am not going to be happy with this episode does not end with me in you, then I'm not going to be happy with this podcast. I'll be honest with you. Because we do Cheap Show and we like to use the format to explore areas. So we have kept it within the remit of, you know, cheap sex. Is that what you're talking about? I'm drinking skull.

I'm still drinking skull. Paul, can I ask you not to drink high powered lager you can in the future yeah

okay this is the only time I'm drinking I'm drinking this is the only time the only time I am let me put it this way

yes please drink responsibly I'm a lightweight so these you certainly are this hits me harder you've had a can and a half of strong lager

and it's showing yeah and dog booze don't forget the dog booze the dog booze was non-alcoholic the dog booze the thought of it is still making me

internally wretch it was pretty bad I've never seen you that close to puking on the show before and that's saying something considering the baby food yeah

the baby food and this are the closest I've been to full gutter rainbow. Okay. My belly, belly rainbow coming out. Now, yes,

this is the sexy episode. This is the sex episode. So, we're going to keep it sexy. So, let's talk about me and you and our sex lives. Okay.

Because I think a lot of people want to know about it. Well, what's there to know? Well, nothing in my to know? Well. Nothing, in my case. Absolutely nothing. Right, tell me.

Do you tell me? There was one thing emblematic of my sex life, Paul. Yeah? It's a crusted tissue. I have an old battered, crusty sock. You do not.

Now, that's something I wanted to bring up. Go on. Have you actually ever, in all seriousness, wanked into a sock? Yes. Why?

Because you had nothing to hand to wipe it with? Because socks are the perfect wank item. They fit around the cock. You double sock it. I can split a sock. I'll split a sports sock. You break the fabric of... Get a fucking huge novelty stocking.

The only way your cum does that... Get the largest sock known to man. Get Jeff Capes socks. And I'll split it. I have done it in a sock because it's easy to use. It rolls over the penis quite well, catches the load,

and then you can put it in the laundry. I mean, that's... Yeah, okay. It is a practical matter. The trick is to use more than one sock. Otherwise, that one sock smells so bad. So bad. Not even your cat will enter your bedroom.

But also, some socks are made of a rougher hue. I like to use a soft sock upon my cock. Okay. So you have done it. I have never done that. What do you tend to wank into? Nothing. I just wank.

And then I... Curry tin. No, come on. I have never done that. What do you tend to wank into? Nothing. I just wank. And then I... Curry tin. No, come on. That's bad. Yeah, it is. I'm not saying you wank into your fast food packages. My house of pickles has been transformed into the glittering eternal palace of ultimate bulwush cleanliness.

It's not, though. It's not. It's not, though. It's not. It's not. That's a lie. That is fake news. On my haste to get out today, to come down to Cambridge where we are recording this, I spilt not one, but two items onto the floor of the House of Pickles. Do you want to know what they were?

Go on. Sarsaparilla that I'd opened the other day. Jesus. And an authentic bottle of sweet chilli sauce from Thailand. And it went glob, glob, glob onto my floor. And I had to use a T-shirt to hastily mop up the sarsaparilla. And very garlicky sweet chilli sauce. I keep saying this to you.

If you ever met a lady impromptu in a night and it was going well and she wanted to come back to yours, you can't take her back to your fucking... I've got the foolproof. You don't. All right, you're the lady. Come on, we'll do it one more time. All right. You're such a good DJ, Mr Silverman.

Thank you. I'm liking you very much. Don't want to see no panties. What? Nothing. How dare you? This is off. How dare you?

Let's start again. Right, she's gone. New one. Same voice. All right, then. All right, love. All right, okay, another voice. All right, there.

I really like the music you played tonight. I'm just wondering if I can buy you a drink. Sure. I'll have a whiskey or something. All right, I'll get you a whiskey. All right, yeah. Okay. Give us away. Brilliant. Half an, I'll get you a whiskey. All right. Okay. Give us away.

Brilliant. Half an hour at the bar. Coming back. All right, so it took so long, mate, but here's your whiskey for you. Thank you. Now, I've drunk that. It was nice, wasn't it? Yeah, it was all right.

I'm a little bit drunk as well. I'm getting some... I've gone off, you know. I'll be honest with you. You've already gone off me. You've bit my face. This isn't very realistic, Paul. It's very realistic.

You haven't got anywhere close to the fucking house of pickles yet. How do you chat me up? You see me and I'm chatting with you. All right. So, the Earth, Wind and Fire song, where did you pick that up from? I got it from a record shop. Oh. Yeah, it was only a couple of quid.

Oh. It's a good one, that, isn't it? It's one of my favourites. So, listen. Yeah? My name's Kate. Kate. I told you that already. It's a lovely name. I like it. It's my mum one, that, isn't it? It's one of my favourites. So, listen. Yeah? My name's Kate. Kate. I told you that already.

It's a lovely name. I like it. It's my mum's name as well. I like what you're wearing. Do you like what I'm wearing? I just said I did. I've got... It's all pushed up.

It's not usually what I wear, but I thought I'd go a little bit crazy tonight. Why? Because I haven't listened to your voice on the podcast and I really wanted to be with you tonight. Do you want to come back to mine then? Let's not beat about the bush, so to speak, pun intended. Yeah, I've gone off you again.

You want to come back to mine? Yeah, I can get back to you. There is one thing, Kate. Yeah? My room is an absolute shithole. And has various chutneys and pickles in jars spread around. Is that going to be okay?

It's not going to be great though. Well, fuck you then. Oh, fuck off. Get out of the DJ booth. I'm not, I'm, alright. You are in the DJ booth

and it makes me uncomfortable. Dear Twitter, Eli Silverman is a sex beast. I'm not, I didn't, I just said, what? And he's a disgusting monster and he called me a sl beast. I'm not. I didn't. I just said I... And he's a disgusting monster.

And he called me a slag. I did not. And I don't think you should ever trust him again. Dear Twitter, Eli Silverman is a perv. Well, that went well. Yeah, it did go well. So we're going to talk about sex lives, Paul. Yeah.

So tell me about the first time you ever had sex. How old were you? 32. 13? 13? Don't be shocked. ever had sex. How old were you? 32. 13. 13? Don't be shocked. I've got experience. Was it a teacher?

It was in a toilet. Oh, mate, this gets better. You were 13 in a toilet. Where? In Austria. I was on a skiing trip.

Oh, this is where it gets all fucking middle class again now. I was on a skiing trip. We went on a skiing trip to school. And it was was on a skiing trip. We went on a skiing trip to school. And it was my first girlfriend. Yeah.

How old was she? She was a similar age. 13? Yeah. She was being a bit evasive there, so I was trying to wonder if you were saying 11 or something. No, she was in the same year as me at school. Did you even know what sex was, though? I fucking believed me, I did. I was desperate. How were you desperate at 13? fucking believe me I did. I was desperate.

How were you desperate at 13? I went through puberty when I was nine. So when did you get your first pubes? At nine. Fuck me. Yeah. You did sprout early. I mean, we all just got early sprouted.

You early spurted, yeah. Early spurt. Okay, so obviously you don't have to name her for the show. I appreciate that And I respect No Her privacy But you were

She came along to you to Austria We all were Quite a few of us Were on the school trip Oh it was a school trip That's what I mean It was a school skiing trip Very middle class

Yes Extremely Do you know where my school trip was? Alton Towers Yeah Well We went there as well We watched the movie Ghost

On the coach down Nice No We watched Pritzy's Honour Alton Towers yeah well we watched the movie Ghost on the Coach Down nice no we watched Pritzy's Honour that's a very weird choice do you remember that yeah

very strange quite a good film is that the one with John Huston yes Jack Nicholson and Angelica Huston yeah and it was directed by John

yeah and directed by John Huston yeah they're mobbed they're mobbed up that's what god fucking hell what a reach

anyway school trip yeah and so we'd been going out how long I think a good part of a year

already okay we since you were 12 you're right we were all ready everyone there hey look

whatever listen don't don't judge me I'm judging and we'd already been... Flirty, flirty.

Well, yeah. Kissy, kissy, touchy, touchy. Yes, there'd been quite a lot of frottage and... Hand movements in the pants and finger movements in the crotch. And so it was time to take it up a notch. Because we're in a hostel, there's only one real place where you're going to have some privacy. Love, love changes everything.

So, yes, I'm sorry to say that my first full intercourse was in a toilet. So what? You just snuck off and thought, no one's in here. Yeah, it was just like a one, just one, there was one. One cubicle thing. Yeah. It wasn't a cubicle. It was like a separate room that was just that.

Okay. Yeah. And we did it. Yeah. And then we finished. How long did it take? I can't remember it. It couldn't have been long though.

Really? It couldn't have been long. If you were 13, ready to go. I probably went off like a firecracker, didn't I? You were probably

like an explosive. But anyway, it was consensual, let me just add. Yeah, I'd like to think so. Yeah. And then that was it. But later later on in that holiday i got thrush

and uh my yes my nuts yeah went all hard and crispy have you ever had it no and it's literally like it gets all hard and sorry but can you imagine it's hard, the skin's hardened like a chap lip. Fuck it up. So if you actually try and sort of manipulate it, it breaks. No, it doesn't,

it doesn't flake. It breaks open. Like, like hardened skin breaks open. Does that suggest that maybe your girl at the time had been...

No, I don't think it was her. I think I got it off somewhere else. Thrush is one of those STDs that you get, you can get from a toilet seat or something. Is it? don't think it was her. I think I got it off somewhere else. Thrush is one of those STDs that you can get from a toilet suit or something. Is it? Yes. Is it? And my balls itched so badly.

I think it was a different trip actually. No, it was a different trip. Okay. It was a different trip. On a different trip, I did get thrush and it itched to the extent where you'd have to stop what you were doing and surreptitiously rub your groin against things. Which is hard to do in a surreptitious way.

You can't do it. Because it looks like you're some kind of sex pervert. Yeah. But in fact, you've just got the baddest itch in your nuts. And it just needs, it's that kind of itch which you can't ignore. You can't ignore it. No. You can't.

You've got to scratch. And then, because it's your genitals, you might start scratching. But then you start thinking, ooh, I'll get an erection. And then your balls split open. Oh, God almighty! Well, you wanted to do a sex episode. Yeah, I didn't know about your splitting balls sack. When was your fucking first sexual experience?

Oh, it was in a meadow, and it was all lovely, and she came so hard that her tits squirted milk into the air. Oh, that's disgusting. That's disgusting. She was already preggers. My first time, my first time was when I was 19. Okay. And I'd been dating the woman who eventually became my wife at university at that time.

And it was one of those things where... Oh, she was your first? Yeah, she was my first. And listener, I married her, is what you could say. Pretty much, yeah. You did, yeah. So I met her at university um for a year uh not for a year maybe like six months my story sounds really nasty it

is it's sad but it's part of the course for your grotty little life fuck off so i open up and then you pounce you pounce on the on the fucking split in my nuts from the fucking thrush and you put salt in my nut wound. Yeah, I do. You put salt in my nut split. You didn't have to bring that up. You could have said

I had sex with her in the toilet. You were at uni. Yeah, I was at uni and it was one of those weird things where everyone knew in our circle of friends that we were going to have sex

that night apart from me because I've always been a bit kind of I don't say ignorant but just kind of naive to like come-ons from women. Okay. And so I remember.

You weren't reading the signs. So you already were going out with her. Going out with her, wow. You were an item. And there was lots of, you know, mutual masturbation and touching and fondling, but there's never been actually anything penetrative. When you call it mutual masturbation,

it just sounds nasty, doesn't it? It doesn't sound, it's beautiful. Mutual masturbation. It's one-on-one plus love. Anyway, so there's been a lot to that, but it felt like everyone knew. How did everyone know that you were going to have sex? Well, this is the thing I don't know.

She told him. No, it was just, it was bumping. I'm going to ride his bone. I think it was more like, I'm going to the rodeo in Dicktown tonight with Paul. I'm going to ride the rollercoaster of Dick's nuts. Anyone who knows me, especially that age, knew it was not going to ride the roller coaster of Dick's nuts. Anyone who knows me, especially that age,

knew it was not going to be anywhere near a rodeo. It was going to be more of a kind of bounce on a shitty bounty castle at a fucking Pontins. It was more like a donkey ride. It was more of a donkey derby.

So what I imagine is our friends had wondered why we hadn't had sex yet. And so it was kind of conspired that my male friends and her male friends would split us apart, both get us a little bit drunk, and get things going.

Well, they literally manipulated you into boning each other. Yes, because I remember my mates at the time taking me to the student union bar and going, here's a drink. Buy me a drink, buy me a... You know what I mean?

Like, loobing me up in terms of the social lubrication thing. Yeah. Did they actually lube your nuts as well, just in case? Yes, you know what I mean? Like, loobing me up in terms of, like, the social lubrication thing. Yeah. Did they actually lube your nuts as well, just in case? Yes! My best friend, Jem, oiled my cock end up with nice palm oil and fucking soil. He got a big fucking thing of stork margarine and whacked it

on my cock shaft. Fucking just splam out! Yeah, like, go on, Paul! Ready, ready to fuck! There you go! You're ready to fuck your girlfriend! That's exactly what happened. And then they took the blindfold off and pushed me into a room. No, it was more that we had a lovely evening out. And then eventually we went back to her dorm, right?

In the toilet. No, it wasn't. It was in her dorm room. It was really nice. I bought a lava lamp to set the mood. So I remember we bought a lava lamp. Where did you buy a lava lamp? There was a place called Stars in Aberystwyth.

Oh, yes, where you were. It was a very hippie kind of shop where you could buy ear cuffs for your ears, you know, and things like that. And lava lamps. Cigarette papers. And Joss sticks. It was one of those kind of shops, you know. So I bought a lava lamp thinking, oh. And then I plugged it in.

It was all romantic. I say romantic, but in your case, they weren't Josh sticks, were they? They were Josh-off sticks. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was just so good. Oh, you know what? Thank you for listening to Cheap Show.

Follow us on social media. Oh, shut up. All right. So you're in the... So we're in a room and it was kissy-kissy and then it was time for condom on now what she liked to do was what i thought was quite romantic at the time was she put the condom in her mouth and then would go down on me and roll the condom i have to say that's uh that's a good it's a good sign it's a solid move yeah now we both

at the time were like our first time together. She was also... Yes. Hadn't had sex. Hadn't had sex. Neither had I. Can I just say, in my case, that was the case as well. Yes, good. I'm glad.

Fucking hell. And I remember sex being fine, brief, because, you know, all that emotion. You're three-chumpump three pump chump three pump chump in it it was more like a five and a half pump sob um but actually uh we've fucked for a little while and i obviously came quite quickly i don't think she got much out of it and i pulled out and oh no no the condom came off and it was the uh the wrinkled end sticking for like a little bit hanging out well okay and i had to fish it but it all kind of romantic no and then i got it caught and then i said pulled it out it kind of squeezed in my hand and came off and so there was spunk all

over my hand and all over it vagina it wasn't very pulled it out and then oh you really did and then i said i'm so sorry sorry. And I cried. I cried. Because you thought maybe you had been pregnant. Yeah. And I cried for a little bit. And she went, don't worry, it's fine. And then she told me that actually I was not her first. She had had a few beforehand.

She told me that to make it better. Why is that going to make you feel better? I don't know, but she did. Did it make you feel better? At the time, it kind of took the pressure off a little bit. You felt like... Okay. And so...

I'd be a bit like you lied to me about your sexual history. No. Then you married her after she lied to you? Yes. It was a good white lie. Wasn't it? Okay, it's a kind lie. It's a kind lie that makes it more special for you

because you think it's special for them. And it wasn't the best first time. Well, it is. I mean, you've got to start somewhere, Paul. You've got to start somewhere. Do you know what I mean? Imagine how much you enjoy taking a shit nowadays, right? This is quite the segue, but go on.

But imagine your first shit. Yeah. As an extremely small baby. Yeah. You can't. I can't. You can't remember that. I don't.

It was terrible. It just fell out your arse. It just... In my nappy naps. Yeah, there was no sort of pleasure associated with it. No. So shit, it gets better. So you're now associating my first time with having a baby dump.

Is that what you're basically saying right now? I don't know why. I don't know where I'm going. That was not the best reach. So that was my first time. And, listener, it got better. Yeah, well, you'd hope so that sounded like

a fucking nightmare I just remember sex being fine oh god the things come off oh it's alright I fucked loads of guys

it's alright Paul I was lying that's how it went I can't think of it much worse except it being in a toilet would probably make it worse. Yeah, at the age of 13.

At least I was, you know, emotionally mature enough to know what I was getting into and not just spurred on by my fucking immature loins. My loins were the big brain. Was she fit? Yeah.

Nice body. Fuck me. Was she developed? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She was actually, oh, God, I can't believe yeah. She was actually... Oh, God. We can't believe I'm doing this.

But anyway, a Japanese lady. Ooh. So, I've got a thing for... Japanese ladies. Well. Petite ladies.

Underage girls. Is that what you're getting at? No. Eli Silverman is a paedophile. I am not. You are. You have a fantasyman is a paedophile. I am not. You are. You have a fantasy. I want to see some...

I do not. You do. You've just admitted it. You just said, I like underage girls. I did not say that. You just said it. You fucking hound.

Paul. Yeah? I didn't say that. You know I didn't say that. Okay. What I was trying to admit... Yeah? Yeah.

Before you jump on the fucking pao-accusion ladder, the pedo-accusion ladder, before you wank up to the pedo-accusion ladder, I've actually stopped speaking English now. But, no, all I said is my first girlfriend was with a Japanese woman, so obviously... You like petite ladies I like Japanese nationals that's good to know

so if you're a Japanese lady and you're listening and you're desperate please by all means get in touch with us on the cheap show thecheapshow at gmail.com

and we will put you in touch with Eli where he will have a grumble wank over your email and then forget about it And then forget about it. And then forget about it. All right.

Okay. So with that in mind, is that a kink for you? Is that your kink? Is that what turns you on? It's one of them, yes. Yeah. What is another one? Being from that part of the world.

They're not necessary Japanese. It's fine. Asian? Yeah. Yeah. You like Asian ladies. And that's fine. I do.

Hey, that's fine. Is it? I'm not judging. I also like them when they have boyish haircuts. That's more interesting. I do. Hey, that's fine. Is it? I'm not judging. I also like them when they have boyish haircuts. That's more interesting. I do. Do you like me? No.

I do not like you like that, Paul. No. I've never even thought. Never? No. I had a dream about you once. Did you? Where we had sex.

Really? Yeah, I did. Oh, Paul. I had a dream once. This is a long time ago where you stopped me from leaving a bar and you put your hand

up against the wall and you went, you're not getting out of here until you kiss me. You did. And I remember thinking, this is wrong, but so right.

Perhaps it was symbolic of our future entanglement. And I took you off. And you got it all over my T-shirt, which is my Nintendo T-shirt. Not, again, this is a dream that Paul is describing. This is a dream.

And it's not real. I want it to be real. I know you do. I know. I want to tug you off. This is what the subtext of the whole of this episode is basically coming down to, isn't it, Paul? Your unrequited, but quite strong sexual desire for me. I just think we'd have fun.

We would not have fun it would be the end of the podcast it would be the last end of the podcast it would be the end of our but that's our big finale that's how we end this show

live stream it yeah alright with your face pressed up against the webcam you're like ugh ugh

okay so we're talking about predilections here yeah petite yes yeah that's fine I'd say petite yes I personally like a curvy girl.

I like a nice hourglass lady. I wouldn't say I don't. Listen, I'm easy. Are you? Listen, I'm not one of these people. You'll take anything you get. I'm not one of these people. Yeah.

Who has a very strictly defined. Sexual predilection. Yes. Okay. Like I would never, you know. For me, Paul Paul and in all honesty it's more about personality really

yeah and you have none so you'll take whatever you can get shut up okay any ever had a gay experience no but

I did once when I was very young one confident old man no when I was at the Rudolf Steiner school okay at your trippy hippie progressive school no oh okay One-cuffered old man. No, when I was at the Rudolf Steiner school. Okay, that's your trippy, hippie, progressive school.

No. Oh, okay. Rudolf Steiner was a theosophist. Oh. I think it's something like that. Yeah. But he had a... He was one of the most prolific writers of non-fiction who ever lived. Oh, okay.

He had a whole philosophy and system for raising children and for living your life he just had the whole he wrote like 5,000 monographs or something Jesus Christ

alright so what about that monograph yeah but what are you getting at what about just anything how to bring up children

how to do this oh like social sciences yeah and philosophy and religion and all of this stuff but it it added up to a whole system of education which i was subjected to and it did uh it does attract sort of more of

those hippie-ish elements but their big thing is you have the same teacher from when you're eight to ten right so they think there has to be this continuity in your class teacher, and you should have a relationship like that with someone who's teaching you almost everything, every day, yeah? Yeah. And they have these quite strict developmental stages.

So, for example, in art class, you're not allowed to draw a human face until you get to eight, and then they start allowing you to draw faces. Why? So you had these weird gnomes. We'd have to draw gnomes with no faces.

That's weird. Yeah. But why? What was the logic behind that? Because he's just like, you're not ready for this. And one of the things, you know,

you're not ready for the representation of the human face until you get to this stage, basically. Which, anyway. Debatable.

I used to, I used to rebel against that by drawing demon horses, kicking dwarves around and stuff like that. I wasn't having any of that shit. No, you were obviously quite the rebel.

But the other thing, they don't teach you to read and write until you are eight. Because they believe you'll learn quicker when... And that is one thing that I have to say

worked extremely well for me. Interesting. I did not know how to read and write at all. But that must have been good for you. And then it just clicked in. And literally within a few months, I was reading and writing. You were proficient. Yeah.

So how does that relate to this whole gay thing? Well, an older kid gave me a piggyback and I got an erection. Wow. That was a certain... When I was eight or something Alright fair enough That's as close as I've got Paul Okay

I When I was in my early teens Did have a What I would probably call now A gay relationship with a boy Oh yeah That I Liked

Kissing Yeah kissing I Kissed his penis a lot as well Really Yeah yeah yeah How old were you 13 14

Okay so you You're sort of bisexual then? You know what it is? It's like I really can be turned on by men at times, but ultimately I don't find men attractive, if that makes sense. So it's like there are certain characteristics about men I find attractive,

but there are things about women that are just more attractive to me. Well, they say it's a spectrum. So you're right over on the straight side. I wouldn't say I was bi. All I would say is I appreciate men sexually. I've just never had the want to be with a man sexually since then. Since then.

It was like one of those things that... I had my first sexual experience with a boy. See, I never knew this. I know. This is what I'm getting all out now. This is cheap show, electric glue. I had my first orgasm with a boy when I was 14. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because at that time, you didn't really ejaculate. You just had the sensation of an orgasm. And there was nothing that came through with it. So I remember we were grinding. And I had the orgasm sensation. But didn't realise that that was what that was at that time. But I have to say, Paul, this is explaining a lot. I am rock hard right now.

So, but I do to say, Paul, this is explaining a lot. I am rock hard right now. So, but I do remember from that thinking, as much as I enjoyed this, I do want to be with women more. Well, there is a lot of pressure

from the society at large not to be gay, isn't there? Well, this is ridiculous. So it would have to be something quite strong for you to overcome it. Do you know what I mean?

It wasn't like I overcome it. It was just that I kind of thought, it's a bad analogy, but I remember being in a musical in Liverpool. I remember wanting to be an actor so much. Music theatre. Yeah. I was part of a musical when I was 16. And I remember thinking, I want to be an actor.

But that experience put me off being an actor. But I still like acting, if that makes sense. Yes, but why did it put you off being an actor but what because the experience and the actors themselves were kind of annoying and the process and i didn't like them so i think i associate that with kind of my sexuality and that i kind of think although i find men sexy sometimes and i can be turned on by men it's not where i want to be because i don't find it fulfilling whereas with women i'm all over that shit okay but if a man came up to me and was like, I'm attracted to you, and I was attracted to him,

and whatever, those circumstances came together, I would definitely nosh that fucker off. Okay, I didn't know. I thought you were just playing around. It's making me feel a bit sort of... Are you uncomfortable? Yes. So... No, there will be. No, don't worry. You're not my type, because you're

graphically ugly. I am not graphic. my type because you're graphically ugly. I'm not graphic. You are graphically ugly. But anyway, as a result, I kind of discovered then that, yeah, that was fine. It's a part of my understanding and growth growing up.

But I think ultimately, I'm team lady. Okay, good. Well, there's comedy, a comedy, comedy, a comedy. It doesn't have to be comedy. What, it is me having sex is comedy

is it yes well a lot of people will probably agree with you on that so do you want to talk about when I first fucking came yeah

I was in the bath at boarding school yeah great story what a great story that was it I remember my first when I produced

yeah that's what I mean yeah go on when was it in boarding school I was in a bath yeah i came yeah that's what i mean yeah go on when was it in boarding school i was in a bath yeah and i thought oh oh god what's that white stuff coming out the end of my dick oh that must be spunk spunk i must be spank i did that with my with my star wars figures i came because i was playing with late princess leia action figure and she did something sexy and I remember

what do you mean she did something sexy I made her do something sexy you made the layer bend over you fucking defiler I may have wrapped up the princess layer

in my underpants rubbed it against my cock and cane this now this is gold this is gold my disappointment was that I wish

it had been Janine from Ghostbusters but you know I can't remember how old I was 14, 15 were there Janine figures yeah there were Janineine from Ghostbusters but you know I can't remember how old I was 14, 15 were there Janine figures yeah there were

Janine figures there's not very good ones but there were Janine figures of Ghostbusters yeah so I remember that what else I'll give you my predilection

I get really so when it comes to porn oh god I don't like watching a lot of graphic bang bang bang you know all that stuff

I thought it was interesting I like the art of the striptease that turns me on you like a striptease yeah watching a lot of graphic bang, bang, bang, you know, all that stuff. I thought it was interesting. I like the art of the strip tease. That turns me on. You like a strip tease? Yeah. For me, it's like porn gets less interesting when it's just people sticking things in other people. Yeah. But with me, it's all about the tease, the lure, the game of the tease.

That's the thing. A lot of people say that, Paul, but there must be a reason why the majority of porn that men watch is just that kind of like you know anatomical sort of close up you know. Because it's weird because when you think about porn in its essence it is like a very graphic unromantic process

but I wonder if part of that is the role play of the fact that you can't be with that woman that attracts you to the porn itself. Have you ever been in a situation where you and a bunch of boys have watched porn at the same time in a room? I don't like it. I've been in that situation. I would not do that, generally.

I would not choose to do that. This is what I don't understand about the whole dynamic of strip clubs or live sex shows, or like, oh, the lads, let's go watch some woman with her twat out. That doesn't appeal to me either I'm like I've got I want a wank now but I'm with like

some people on my stag night I don't know on my stag night I went to a strip club and it was the most unsexy experience of my life because as pretty as the ladies were

as lovely as they were it was like getting a lap dance from a parrot to the Caribbean automaton. Yes. Because it's like, I am being sexy. And they would do this weird thing where this girl came up to me

in a corset and a bra and took a few things off. And then she let in and just went in my ear. Oh, the blowy. And I was like, fuck off. They do that to... But I don't get that

because I found that. I don't like that. No. I used't like that. No. I used to lick eyeballs. It's something quite intimate about licking someone's eyeball. In sex? Yeah. You licked a girl's eyeball during sex?

Not during, but as a sort of, you know, part of the foreplay. And did she not think that was fucking weird? I think she liked it. Like the actual eyeball? Yes. It's very intimate, isn't it? That's a completely new one to me. Well, I thought I'd heard everything. Yeah, so did I.

Bloody hell. I'm still reeling. So with that in mind, is there anything else you want to talk about sex-wise? Well, I just wanted to say, Paul, in all honesty, are you upset with this podcast? I am a bit upset you know it's

you know it's not it's not just yeah I don't know what I think you can't really

enjoy sex until you until you know what you like and you don't like and I think there are a certain amount of things

that you can try and you try out and you hope for the best and there are certain things that you learn from and you go I I'm not going to do that again. Like anal. When I first had sex with a lady and did her up the bum, I was like, she enjoyed it, but I was singing the whole time.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, uh. My cat's trying to get in. The cat wants in. Riley wants in on this. Riley's not getting in on this. He can scratch all he likes. Bestiality, that's something we haven't discussed. I don't want a fucking animal.

No, neither do I. I mean, I've had sex with women that look like animals, I'm sure. But I'm sure they would say the same for me. So, there you go. Oh, I'm glad we did

this episode. I'm glad we did this episode, too. I'm glad we got that off our chests. Yeah, on her chest. What's the weirdest thing that a woman's ever asked you to do sexually?

Because you know how a friend of ours does impressions. Apparently he was with a girl once and she said do your impressions. Can you do an impression of Bruce Forsythe

during sex? Yeah. Is that true? As far as he said. And I can't imagine being inside a lady going good game man for you.

Higher. Lower. Higher. Come from the audience. Right. Manfier! Manfier! Right.

Anything else? No, that's it. We'll end this section and move on to the next. Take the really bad bits out. What? That's all of it. Oh, God. so it's a cheap show and it's sex

but I think it's important that we keep the remit to cheap things in the show don't do that face fuck me don't I don't want to see that

don't want to see that either I went to Poundland because last year Poundland decided to... Oh, fuck me. Fucking hell. All right, I'm just making it themed. Is that sexy? Is that sexy?

Oh. Oh. Oh. You look like a cartoon rat eating cheese. Oh, that's what my sex face looks like. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Right, okay. Well, what have we got here, Paul?

So I went to Poundland because last year Poundland decided to release... Poundland? As in pounding? So, I went to Poundland because last year they released a chain of sex toys. On a chain? Like a charm?

Fuck me! Seriously? Every sentence. Every sentence. If you make mistakes... I went to Poundland because Poundland Have released a bunch Of sex toys

That you can buy there For a quid each So I bought a few of them So this is a brand Called Nookie It's Poundland's Own brand of sex stuff Okay

And these are Blue pills for men They are called Food supplements And it says Drive hard And push your potential To the max

Take two of these Energy enhancing pills 40 minutes before playtime and stay strong and enjoy longer. And basically, the ingredients are just caffeine. What does it have in? Well, Guarana. How to use.

On an empty stomach, take two supplement capsules 40 minutes before desired effect. Suggest those two capsules. Do not exceed two capsules in any 12-hour period. What a load of shit. Caffeine. It's got extracts.

Let me see. Let me read it. Have a little look. Now, ingredients. Guarana. Ooh, that's something I can't describe. Ginger root. It's got ginger root.

Fenugreek. I don't even know what all that stuff is. I really don't. View products. I'm going to the website right now because I think there's a better suggestion there. Okay, so it's got ingredients. It's called guarana. An actual stimulant.

Just say guarana. Guarana. Thank you. An actual stimulant from the Amazon rainforest that helps boost general energy and vitality. I used to do a lot of that, Paul. I used to buy it powdered and pour it into pints of Guinness when I was a DJ. What does that do? It's like coffee.

So it just keeps you... It's like mixing Red Bull with vodka. What does that do? It's like coffee. So it just keeps you, it's like mixing Red Bull with vodka. It's that kind of, similar. So it's got L-arginine, an amino acid that changes into nitric oxide

inside the body, helps relax the blood vessels and improve circulation. It's got ginger root, caffeine, Korean ginseng. This herb is an adaptogen, which can have a positive impact

on the physical fatigue and anxiety. Anxiety. It has a history of use as a male sexual stimulant. Yes. Cayenne. Cayenne. Cayenne.

Cayenne. Pepper extract. That's just chili pepper. Yeah. Fenugreek. Again, another herb used in cooking. Saw palmetto. And coca.

Again, food. Yeah. So it seems like it's food. It's meant to be branded as Viagra. Which is not. Viagra actually has a distinct. And look, it's just two little. It's a little pill.

I'd surmise to say. Yeah. That's a load of shit. Have a cup of coffee. I think it's only fair I try it. I'll try one I need to take two though Take two

Do you want to try one? No Yeah? No Okay I'm going to try these I've got my own energy drink here Lipo V10 It probably does the same thing

Right? No it does do the same thing So I'm going to try these And I'm going to I'm going to eat them right now And then what? And then what's going to happen? Fuck you

So I'm going to have a go at it Alright? Go on Oh god God almighty them right now. And then what? And then what's going to happen? Fuck you. So I'm going to have a go at it. All right? Go on. Oh, God. God almighty. What? Sniff it. Ooh.

That's the ginseng. It's got a quite distinct odour. Yeah. So they're not like, they're not pure placebo. I've taken them. And in 40 minutes time, you'll be awake.

I will be firm it will not firm you up nothing in that is actually going to give you it's not is it it suggests it's like

a Viagra supplement but it's not it is not because you would not buy Viagra for a quid no and you wouldn't want to you would not want to

buy Viagra for a quid and also you need to have a check up on your heart if you actually get real Viagra I should have read the warning on this first. No, you're fine.

You don't have heart problems, do you? I hope not. Blood pressure, you're fine. Sleep problems should be fine. Listen, they're not going to sell anything that's actually very dangerous in a shop for a quid. Well, I've taken them, and we'll see what happens. Nothing will happen.

Later on in the episode. Nothing will happen. I pound you like a fucking boxer. Right, right. What's next in the nookie line pound you like a fucking boxer right right what's next and the nookie line well that was very poor we'll soon find out anyone who took that hoping it would improve their performance would be sorely disappointed well i hope it i hope it improves my performance what are you gonna do have a wank i'm gonna have to anyway the next one i'll have a wank again after hearing about your sex life The next one is a nookie product.

It's called a Finger Fun Stimulator. Now, this is for ladies because it comes in a pink box. Can I open this? Of course you can. Have a look at it. You open it up and you describe what you see. Okay, so it's got what looks like a hairy pickle. That's a very good description of it.

A see-through hairy pickle on the cover. Let's see. It's a Finger Fun Stimulator. So, it's not for Finger Fun, see. It's a finger fun stimulator. So it's not for finger fun, though. It's for fanny fun, isn't it? It is for fanny fun. I think it's for fanny or bumhole fun. Probably fanny fun, though, let's be honest.

Well, can't I have fun in my bumhole? You can't. I won't allow it. You won't allow me to have fun in my bumhole? No. Now, it comes in sealed, and it's pink. It's very pretty. Which is the colour of love

it's the colour of love pink is the universal colour of wet slopping fannies it is and I'm just going to have to use my teeth to get in there to get in it yeah

there we go and I'm bringing it out probably just smells like plastic right this is a finger sized sheaf yeah and I'm bringing it out. It probably just smells like plastic, right? This is a finger-sized sheath. Yeah. And I've... You're going to have to put your little pinky in that.

It's not... Does it stretch? Yeah, if you stretch it, you can get it right on. That's not the truth. It's like a finger condom with stimulating buds. Now, look, the back of your hand, Paul, is where you feel... How does that feel?

It just feels like you're rubbing me with a rubber comb. Come on. Imagine you've got a clit on the back of your hand. Oh, I'm so turned on. Now. It doesn't feel like anything. That would, but on your sensitive part, that would... Maybe, but you were a bit rough with me.

Shut up. You were a bit rough with me. Listen, take a photo of my finger with the thing in it. All right, I'll take a photo of your finger with your finger in it. It's my finger fun for later. I want to have a touch of it. Show me your fairy finger thing. Have a look at it.

Stick your fairy finger in that. It's fine, I can do it. Oh, it's... That would work as a stimulant. As a stimulator. I mean, it may be, but... Oh, hang on, it's trapped. I've got it stuck.

But the point is, you know, a lot of these things are to do with context. So if you're a lady friend or boyfriend, you might want to lube it. You'd lube it, but why would anyone want you if they knew you spent a quid on some kind of piece of shit? Well, it is just a big...

It's like a finger of a glove, of a rubber glove with nibbles on, nibble nobbles on. Nibble nobbles. And it's like, I don't... Now, I have to report, he's put it into... He's rubbing... He's simulating masturbation now.

Cock-a-doodle-doo! Cock-a-doodle-doo! Paul. What's next in the nookie range? This is tiresome in the extreme. Oh, I don't know. It might work. It would work, but it's...

Do you think? I mean, the thing is, we can't test it on anything. Next time we do this... Yeah, we have to get a woman in. And say, can we... Prostitute. Well... Prostitute.

I don't think we should. Prostitute. I don't think we should do that. Prostitute. I think this is the last time we touch sex with a massive barge pole. Yes. I don't think we do it again. But, I mean, look, it's fine for what it is

fine for what it is for a quid it's not too bad is it no it probably does what it does and if you're careful with it and you go could you could you

could you could you why do you need it though you know what I mean it's not going to add that much no I think if anything it gets in the way because it's like oh hello darling

you're right let me just put my finger fellatio on let me just awkwardly stick my finger in this plastic hollow yeah that's going to ruin the vibe.

tube and get it right in and slap some fucking lube on it and then stick it up your chuff. Alright, what's next? That was the finger fun simulator.

The next one. You're going to like this. It is the nookie joy ring. Ah, now see this is thick, strong and stretchy. This joy ring will bring smiles to you if you want to stay harder for longer.

Yes. For a supercharged session, lube up, slip on the ring, and you'll thing like a... Shut up. And you'll feel like a king. So open this one up. This is a cock ring. This is a classic item.

It is what it is. It is a little... And it keeps the blood. It keeps the blood in the cock. Is this what it does? That's what they do, yeah. It is a little... And it keeps the blood, it keeps the blood in the cock. Is this what it does? That's what they do, yeah. Doesn't mean it, does it,

I just don't understand though how it makes you last longer. That's what it, that's what the selling point is. You put it on and you last longer. Well, no. You stay erect for longer,

I think, is what actually... I'm gonna, I'm gonna open it up and have a look. So... I think a cock ring, that's how it must work. I mean, how else does it, that is sturdy. That is a sturdy ring. So I think a cock ring, that's how it must work.

I mean, how else is it? That is sturdy. That is a sturdy ring. It's a sturdy cock ring. Plastic, high density plastic. Oh, oh, right over your wrist. So it's obviously can work. If you're a bigger girth,

gentlemen, if you've got a large gauge. Yes. Cutting the circulation off to. Yes. Cutting the circulation off to your hand. Cutting the circulation off of my hand. It's actually hurting Paul quite badly.

Take it off your fucking wrist then you idiot. I have to put the mic down. Go do it. You're an idiot. You're an idiot.

You're stupid. No you're stupid because you put a cock ring over your hand. Right let's have a look. You're getting

excited. No I'm not. Yeah you are. It's a piece of rubber shit. It is just a plastic O-ring for a gasket of a fucking plumber's pipe or something. They probably manufacture that for the dick. It's probably non...

Shall I get hard and put this on? No, please. Shall I firm up? Please do not. I can do it. No, I don't want you to. Let me just have a go. No, please do not have a go.

Let me have a whack at it. No, do not have... Oh, God. I knew this episode would be bad, but... Happy birthday to me. I'm having an energy drink. Happy birthday to me. Oh, God.

Lipo V10, everyone. It used to be available in a fizzy form. I'm fizzing. I can't get hard right now. Of course you can't get hard right now. I'm going to try this though. The next time I get erect I'm going to try it on. See what I think it does, it just keeps It puts a tourniquet

on your dick. Yeah, but I don't know how that will prevent you from cumming. That's the thing. For a supercharged session, lube will slip on the ring and you'll feel like a king. It's going to be hard to test out. What it does, it keeps the blood in there so it will keep you hard after you've ejaculated

that's what I'm assuming but then so you can pound away after you've come you know let her have her pleasure if you're why? why?

why? if you're if you happen to come before she's I like to make sure the lady enjoys herself first and then I follow suit oh what a fucking lover man

you are Paul I'm sorry what do you do? are you a fucking lover, man. You are poor. Wow. I'm sorry. He's a Casanova. What do you do? Are you a fucking three-pump jump? I spank on the wall and tell them. Spank on the wall.

And then what? And cry. And then I cry. Yeah. All right. Is that what it's come to? Yes. Do not use the ring.

I cry wank. Do not use the ring for more than 30 minutes at a time. Well, that's no good, is it? If any pain or discomfort, remove the ring immediately. Users of this ring do so at their own risk. Yeah, because your dick can swell up like an aubergine. The manufacturer does not assume

liability for any misuse of the product. You could break your dick. Constriction rings do not prevent pregnancy. Of course they fucking don't. What do you think? You're going to choke your dick so you don't spunk? I suppose that's what it does. I think maybe it does make you last longer as well because it constricts the actual spunk tube. That is very scientific.

That's interesting. Doesn't it? Throw away after use. Use a water-based lubricant. I want to keep it. Don't try and hurt me with it. Ow. Ow.

Lost it. I've lost my concrete. See, I defended myself with the mic and it bounced off the mic. Bleh. Oh, he's had it in his mouth. Oh, I had a hair on it from a cat.

Oh. Bleh. Finally, on the show today. What's this? Is this vibrate? Do any of them vibrate? Vibrating love ring. Oh, here we go.

Here we go. Lube up with this flexible. Is this a quid as well? Yes, a quid. Well, look, if you got that for a quid and you got that for a quid, you'd be disappointed, wouldn't you? Yeah, because you'd want to pay for the vibration. Everyone likes a little bit of vibration. Lube up this flexible vibrating love ring.

Give it a stretch to slip it on. Press play and you'll be maxed out on up to 30 minutes of vibrating pleasure. Warning, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, may shrink your testicles. Let's have a little look at this. The problem is you've got a battery that's got lots of acid in the battery, doesn't it? Well, I mean, imagine you know. Oh, let's see. Let's have a look. Oh!

Oh, look at that! You stick your cock in that. You stick your cock in it and then I imagine you put the vibratey bit at the base and it goes jibble, jibble, jibble, jibble, jibble. Base, base, how long can you go? How do you turn it on?y bit at the base, and it goes dibble, dibble, dibble, dibble, dibble. Base, base. How long can you go? How do you turn it on? I don't know.

You press it somewhere. I can't find where you press it. It doesn't say on the pack. Oh, no. There's a switch. Oh, is there? A little switch on the side. Oh.

Are you going to hear that? That is going. Put it on your nose. Tip of your nose is how you test these things. Yeah. Oh. Oh, I'm getting a shiver. Yeah. Are they of your nose is how you test these things. Yeah. Oh. Oh, I'm getting a shiver. Yeah.

Are they multiplying? It's making me want to sneeze. Yeah. Oh. Oh. You're getting turned on. I'm not getting turned on. Why not? Because this is not sexy.

Why is it not sexy? Because these are nasty cheap little bits of plastic. I want to have a look. Oh. Oh. Oh, it's got a little switch on it. Yeah. I took this.

We've said covered that ground. Like the earring. It's got a little switch on it. Yeah, this is what you said, covered that ground. Like the earring. It's got a little earring. Is this a podcast? Yes, I've done that as well. I did that. Anything else? That's literally it.

I'm going to try this later, though, and report in at a later date if this is up to 30 minutes of sex magic well you put it on and then it simulates her clitorals i mean i didn't so is that what it's for it's for her yeah well it vibrates the top of your dick a bit but it's really for when you're vibrating at the apex of your thrust yeah i guess i mean that's what it's for I mean I guess so it's vibrates for her pleasure and it's not it's different from the cock ring

because the cock ring is meant to make you last longer but that's meant to like help stimulate the shaft yeah and stimulate her her

clitoris well that's very very interesting do you think you'd ever use any of this stuff in a sexual environment do you think you'd ever use any of this stuff in a sexual environment do you think that's ever going to happen um no to be honest would you use any of

this stuff no none of this stuff would you try the blue pill there's a lady pill as well actually as well where's the website for that bear with me they've got a lady pill i bet it's got exactly the same stuff in it well no it doesn't actually let me have a little look on the website for that? Bear with me a second. They've got a lady pill. I bet it's got exactly the same stuff in it. Well, no, it doesn't, actually. Let me have a little look on the website. It's called a Nucky Sexual Vitality Supplement, and it's for ladies, and it's, again, two pink pills. These all-natural herbal capsules

are designed to increase your libido, so two pills before playtime to say hello to fun times. How to use on an empty stomach. Take two pills 40 minutes before blah blah blah vitamin C matrimony vine an ancient Chinese tonic used to help users

overcome physical feelings of weakness and poor health shatavari asparagus shatavari asparagus shatavari yeah like an awful musician it does sound like a natural aphrodisiac

The new album From Shatavari Asparagus I love it The new prog rock Lick my green shaft Maca root Native to the Andes in Peru

These are traditionally used By warriors to boost stamina And strength Yeah Vitamin E Zinc Vitamin B12 Heightened sex drive apparently

And helps to stimulate The secretion of histamines, which is necessary for an orgasm. Okay, I just don't think the effect is going to be particularly strong. And folic acid. So there you go. They put folic acid in bread, don't they? I don't know. Yeah, I think they do.

So you can have an orgasm from eating bread? No. I can. Can you? You stick your dick in a fucking loaf of toasty Warburton's. Is that what it is? No. Vital for women

of childbearing age. I would sometimes dress a baguette as a vagina. Yeah, and then you fuck it. Do you fuck a baguette? No, I don't.

I just look at it. Yeah? I just look at the baguette. You look at the baguette, do you? Yes. Yeah? Baguette to regret.

Regret the baguette. Oh, anyway. I'm drunk. I'll be honest with you. I'm quite tipsy. Oh, God. Folic acid, vital for women of childbearing age. In case of pregnancy, having sufficient levels of folic acid help prevent birth defects.

Yeah, why would you want that? In the baby's brain and spinal cord. Yeah, we don't. Sexy, sexy. Sexy time. Why would you want that? I don't know. But they also do a water-based lubricant so there's a whole range here of nookie fun love love nookie exclusive to poundland if i

was yeah going to try and spice up my love life yeah with a significant other yeah i would not go for a cheap range let me tell you something about your whole attitude towards the relationship can i try to save money on your love making attriments can I tell you as well

when I went to Panhandle and bought all these because I had to go anywhere well I thought I'm not going to go to the counter

and embarrass myself I'll use the self-service machine because you know ha ha ha ha did the self-service machine say it went

beep this man's buying sexy things really please can someone come here right now

Oh you had to have assistance Yeah because it was an age thing You can't buy it If you're under Yeah Yeah So this woman came over And went

Oh you're buying a lot aren't you And I was like Yeah Because the next thing You don't say is Oh it's for a podcast Because that sounds like A bad excuse

It sounds like yeah You just don't say anything So she went Oh you're having fun And then I sport them all. And as I went out the door, she went,

have a nice night. And I was like, fuck off. Fuck off. She was coming on to me though. She gave me the eye. I think she was. Toothless den lady old cow.

Oh God. Misogyny. Feel the plastic. Feel the plastic. I feel it. Yeah. It's just plastic. It's all bits and pieces plastic. It is. Do I feel it. Yeah. It's just plastic. It's all bits and pieces plastic.

It is. Do you know what? You might as well just spend some money on a decent vibrator. Ultimately, that's all you need. I mean, Poundland did, for a brief period, do vibrators. Mini vibrators. Little bullet-shaped ones. What does it say about you if you want to try to save money on sex toys?

There's certain things you can save money on. Yeah. Food. Yes. Furnishings. Indeed. Certain things you don't want to be saving money on. You want to splash out on.

You don't want to be saving money. Literally, splash out on. Yeah, exactly. You don't want to be saving money on that, do you? No, not at all. I mean, this is Cheap Show. But this is Poundland, to some extent I do feel that you know

we it's part of the course that if you're on a budget and you want to spice up your sex life could these be used it's part of the course part

part for the course it's part of what course fucking little bastard let me get a sentence out before you did I let you get that one out and several others

alright well which I shouldn't have let you get out because they were garbled nonsense well right, well... Which I shouldn't have let you get out because they were garbled nonsense. Well, have you heard about this then while we're on the subject?

While we talk about it? So, you know, we do our life hacks. 10 sex hacks. And this comes from thestir.cafemom.com. 10 sex life hacks to try tonight.

Number one, don't bother. You'll just have a heartbreak. Number two, just wank. Number three, God't bother. He'll just have a heartbreak. Number two, just wank. Number three, God, I hate my life and myself. Number four. Oh, no, no, no.

One, locking the door without a lock. So imagine you having sex with a lady, but you don't want your flatmate to storm in or whatever. So you haven't got a lock on your door because you live in an open house so what do you do you go out go listen say that you're my flatmate John

alright John I'm fucking a girl why can't I just be Paul what because I don't like Paul alright okay fair play John

yeah save me some of those beans and I'm fucking I'm fucking my girlfriend right now and I will be. Can I watch?

So don't come, no. I might walk in. Not this time. What if I want to walk in and watch? Well, that's not very nice. Well, I want to watch. I'm asking you not to. I'm tugging it now.

I'm going to fucking kill you. Oh, yeah? I will kill you in your sleep. You won't have to. I've put fucking Valium in those beans. I won't come in your room then. Well, it's too late. Right, well.

I've drugged you up. I'm going to kill you in your sleep. Anyway, the point is, if you want to have sex in your bedroom without someone walking in. What's well. I've drugged you up. I'm going to kill you. In your sleep. Anyway, the point is, if you want to have sex in your bedroom without someone walking in. What's the fucking hack? You open the door. I am having a fuck.

If a door opens inwards, stick a door jam under the door so it can't be opened. This is one of the worst things I've ever heard already. And then it jams the door. It's telling me how to lock a door without locking a door.

Just put a wedge in. In every single fucking film I've ever seen. Isn't it a universal language though just to stick a sock on the door handle so everyone knows you're having it i've never heard of that in student union days they say if you if you see a sock hanging on my door handle don't come in because if you hear if you don't come knocking if you hear me rocking or whatever it is sex without sex now have you heard of this? It's called femoral sex. You know what femoral sex is?

How is that spelled? F-E-M-O-R-A-L. Femoral sex. It is sex without penetration. And so what they're saying is it's not quite sex, but it's sexy indeed and perfect for those times when you don't feel like making a mess. That's hard to clean. Simply lube up between your thighs, ladies, and let him slide between them. He'll be happy there instead.

Now. What? Now. They're saying don't make a mess by doing the femoral way. There's a mess. There's already a mess. Yeah, but you're going to spunk a load. Into her thighs? There's a mess there. Onto the couch, onto the bed, dripping on down her legs. I've never heard of a more pointless and

terribly frustrating thing but apparently if you just lube up their thighs I'll just look at your fanny and have a wank just put a little bit of a

I don't need to need the thigh put a bit of blur pack on her thighs and go at it I don't like that flash him this is what they're

saying now if you're looking for a quick way to get in the mood play Girls Gone Wild with him and give him a quick flash this is for ladies by the way this whole thing this article so looking for a quick way to get in the mood, play Girls Gone Wild with him and give him a quick flash. This is for ladies, by the way, this whole thing, this article.

So you give him a quick, woo, titty, titty, titty. Why are you looking at me like that, like you're shot? Titty, titty. This is terrible. Text sexy photos from upstairs. So he's downstairs watching the sport. I do not need someone to tell me how to fucking do this. Try grapefruit is another life hack.

Oh, because it makes your spank taste nice. No, no, no. I bet it is. The grapefruit blowjob is gaining traction on the internet for good reason. People swear by it. Try it and change its relationship. How do they swear by it? I'll tell you what. Hang on, hang on. What do they say? Grapefruit blowjob? Fuck.

Is that how they swear by it, Paul? Here's how we're going to find out. Okay. Now, this is my bonus technique, the grapefruit. The grapefruit. Normally, you can only get this technique in one of my classes, but I wanted to share this with you because I believe every man should get grapefruited. When you grapefruit your man, it's going to feel as if you are giving him head and fucking him at the same time.

No better feeling would he ever get than being grapefruited. So what you need to do is, of course, have a grapefruit. You want to make sure you get the ruby red. It's sweeter. It's easier. If you are allergic to grapefruit or can't use a grapefruit for your medication, you can always use a large navel orange. Of course.

Now, what you want to do is make sure the grapefruit is room temperature. All you have to do is put it in warm water. No one likes a nice cold grapefruit on their car. And microwave it. Do not boil it. Then, once it gets to that temperature, all you need to do is roll it. The reason why you want to roll it is because you want to juice it up a little bit. The juicier, the better. Right. And what you're going to do is you're going to find the navel. There's two navels to the grapefruit. Once you do that, you're going to place it on the plate, and the navel's on the outside. I don't like this.

You want to take a knife, and you actually want to cut one side of that navel off. Now, all this that you're doing, he will not see any of this preparation. What do you do? Stick his dick in the grapefruit? Then what you're going to do is you're going to take it to the outside. I don't like this. And do the same thing. She's cutting the grapefruit. Then what you're going to do is... She's teaching us. I don't like this....do the same thing.

Well, she's cutting the grapefruit off. For fuck's sake. So you should have a grapefruit that has two sides missing just like this. Right, so... Now what you're going to do is you're going to put a hole in the middle of the grapefruit approximately the size of your... I can see where this is going, Paul. ...do not make it too big...

I can see where my penis is going. ...just approximately. Can you? ...through the hole that she's making in the centre of the grapefruit and then she's going to suck my dick on the other side. Yeah? All you want to do

is make a nice hole in the middle of the grapefruit. Like I said, yeah? Wait! I'm learning! Now, if you take it and make it too big, that's okay

because you can always What, you're going to prepare the grapefruit and say, there you go, love, do grapefruit me. Yeah. All you have to do is take your finger

and push the flesh back. It's just grapefruit. Now, when you grapefruit your man, he has to be blindfolded. There's no answer. Because no one wants to see a grapefruit coming at their cock. You came to the bedroom with a grapefruit. What is your man going to say? What are you going to do with that?

Is it going to burn and all the other things? So you don't want any of that. Burn? So this is what you do. Tonight is citrus. Say, baby, you know what? Tonight... I've got weeping sores on your cock.

Maybe I do. Your man will blindfold himself if he knows he's going to get some head. So now, your man is in the bed. You have the grapefruit already prepared under the bed. He smelled the citrus in the air. He thinks you have on some new Victoria's Secret or something. He has no idea.

And what you're going to do is be a woman of your word. Now, you have to get his penis erect. So what you're going to do is just... There's the odd part. Suck his dick. That's like you said you were going to do. Oh, I told you. Wait. Oh God, no. What the fuck is that? What's all that? Once he's nice and erect, what you're going to do is replace the grapefruit from your mouth. You're going to twist up and down on his shaft and suck the head at the same time. I told you. What are you talking about?

She's noisy. She's a noisy eater. Don't excuse me. I'm in chooby socks. Now ladies, remember, grapefruit is also a fat burner, so you're actually losing weight. There you go. Losing weight. Now, once you're doing this technique, it feels amazing to him, but he still has no

idea what you're doing. So what you want to tell your man to do is this. Take the blindfold off. Put a grapefruit on your dick. Surprise. this technique it feels amazing to him but he still has no idea what you're doing so what you want to tell your man to do is this take the blindfold off but he'll never say stop all he's going to be thinking is i could have been fucking a grapefruit all these years and that's the grapefruit technique mate that is a sham that that surprised me. She did not need to take that long and demonstrate her sort of, whatever was going on with that. But the thing is,

is that the horrible... Yeah, that's the fucking... It's like the exorcist or something. That Lovecraftian fucking sound. It was a terror, a cosmic terror noise. All right, so the next life hack

is drink more water. Feeling dry down there, drink a lot of water. Oh, fuck off. Fuck. Eat pineapple. Make your spank lot of water. Oh, fuck off. Eat pineapple. Makes your spunk taste of pineapple. Tastes better. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I like to do when I know I'm going to get head? Eat a lot of spicy noodles. I eat fucking garlic and ginger and also battery acid. Dirty mushrooms. Right. Oh, here's an interesting one. Wear socks. For all the women who hate socks in bed, this is for you.

It turns out socks improve your orgasm. Who knew? Apparently, one of the major deterrents to orgasm is whether or not you are cold. So when you warm your feet, you warm your body. Boom, blast off. Pretty nice, if that's all it takes. That is stupid and pointless. Use coconut oil as another life hack.

Is there anything coconut oil can't do? Does it make a good lube in a pinch? If you have some around, just rub it on him and it makes a blowjob taste better. So you can use coconut oil. So my dick tastes of bounty. Yeah. I don't like coconut. I like coconut. Do you like the dry bits? Yeah.

I like desiccated coconut. Do you like Bombay mix? Yeah. You're a weirdo. I love it? Yeah. You're a weirdo. No, you're a weirdo. You're ugly, you're fat, and you're hairy, and you fuck 13-year-olds. Of what? You did.

You did. I was also 13. Doesn't matter. You still did that. Oh, just because you didn't go to puberty till you were in your fucking 20s. I'm still going through it, mate. All right?

Vitamin E. They're good. Makes you spank. There you go. Fucking spank more. Anyway, there E. They're good. No, she's spunk. There you go. Fucking spunk more. Anyway, there's the sex life hacks. I've got a hack for them. Yeah?

Shut up. That's not a hack. Yes, it is. Do you want Eli to like you more? Shut up. Alright, okay. One last thing then. 12 homemade sex toys for you to try on a budget.

So if you don't want to spend a pound on the sex cock ring you can try these things instead so number one electric toothbrush

that's a vibrator that explains itself that's fair enough but be careful to not use said toothbrush in the morning

when you're doing your tail yuck yuck yuck what do you mean yuck yuck yuck it's a good point. You know when you have your oral B up a woman's chuff? I don't need someone to tell me to use a toothbrush as a vibrator

and then say, make sure you don't use it in your mouth. That's what I would do it for. Well, you can work it up an arsehole. That's why I like it. Because you like it like that, do you? I would like to use it all over on every orifice and then in the morning go, ooh, taste of bum. Taste of last night's fun.

A feather duster you can use as well a lighter stroke of a on a lady's body with a feather duster again make sure it's clean not covered in cobwebs because that's gross does that say it there yeah say that there it does it does you're not you're just the content here is just you reading something from your phone is a spatula you can use a spatula during sex as well. Rather than the old hand spanking, you know. If she had fried egg tits, you could use it to turn them over. Grow up. If you have your partner spank you with a rubber spatula. So that's a thought.

You could do that. A belt. What can you use a belt for? I hear you ask. I could use a baseball bat and cave your head in. You can't use a baseball bat unless you're Harley Quinn and even that's

debatable does she yeah she uses it in Suicide Squad but mostly for violence a belt whereas a scarf or tie can move around

and be distracting a belt is great because there's no previous knot tying experience needed so wrap it around your partner's hands a few times

tie it up and then attach it to the bed post alright for your iPhone or smartphone of choice there are tons of apps So wrap it around your partner's hands a few times, tie it up, and then attach it to the bedpost. All right. Fair. Your iPhone or smartphone of choice. There are tons of apps out there that can turn your phone into a vibrator.

Yeah. So what? Send the message to your phone. Call me. Call me. Call me again. Your mum's calling. I know.

I can't. I love it. I love it. Get your mum to call more. What else? Pillows. Stack a bunch of pillows together and grind on top of them to masturbate.

Or try propping a bunch under your hips during sex to make you feel your guy even more deeply. Well, that's... Have you ever fucked a pillow? It's an angle, isn't it? No. Have you ever fucked a pillow? I've never have.

Ah. Beaded necklaces. Tease your partner by rolling beads across your naked body And having them focus on that sensation It's basically mindfulness exercise and sexiness You can rub them up and down a guy's penis Already it's lost me Bonus, put your necklace in the fridge beforehand

Or run cool water for some temperature play Stick an ice cube up your arse Well, if that's what you want A scrunchie Slip a scrunchie over a guy's penis for an improvised penis ring. Again, make sure

you haven't been shitting on the scrunchie beforehand. Tights. Again, make sure you haven't been using the tights to clean your arsehole with. Don't throw your

holy tights out yet. Again, make sure that you haven't shat all over everything in your house and you're using it to shove up someone's fanny. A washing machine.

Go on. Again, make sure you haven fanny. A washing machine. Go on. Again, make sure you haven't been using your washing machine as a toilet. Have your guy take you on top of the washing machine and let it rumbling do the thing. That's great. You can get your laundry done and have a good orgasm.

Again, make sure that you haven't taken a shit. A removable shower head. Again, make sure you haven't... Right, okay. Well, you know what I don't know why I bother I don't know why you bother I tried to give you hot sex tips

Mate Content problem Content problem Oh I gave you hot sex tips Those were not hot sex tips I learned nothing You didn't learn nothing At all

Even with the grapefruit The grapefruit was horrific It was that bit It was the sound I would also know She's like put the blindfold on It's some kind of fruit I would know there was a grapefruit in the room

You would It would be that lovely scent of grapefruit Yeah but then I'd think And the Ah my penis hurts From my weeping sores Because my balls have cracked Fucking monster

This is our best episode ever It's not It's not It's sexy I'm turned on I have not been this hard In ages This is our best episode ever. It's not. It's not. It's sexy. I'm turned on. I have not been this hard in ages. Right, it is time.

A few episodes ago, we asked you to send in your slash fic of me and Eli making sweet love. Now, Paul, just a little point before we get into this. Why is it called Slashfic? Slashfic is when, strictly speaking, when two fictional characters make love. It's also called shipping because it was initially something that fans of Star Trek did for Kirk and Spock. Starship, shipping, kind of comes from that. If you want to get into it,

there are lots of subdivisions of this kind of genre. Does slash fic only refer to erotic? By and large, yes. And fanfic is just when they just write extra stories. So it comes down to the fact that there are different variations of this, but ultimately it's where fans of something

write erotic fiction of pairing up people. And is there crossover slash fic where, let's say, Leia does Captain Kirk or something? of something write erotic fiction of pairing up people and is there a crossover slash fic where like let's say Leia does Captain Kirk or something yeah there's probably loads of that

but specifically for us I asked our audience to get in touch and write stories of erotic nature between you and I and I thought

we'd end the show today by reading out these stories and seeing how we go I think I'll read one you can read one I'll put some nice romantic music underneath

brilliant you know what I mean I'll make it work I'm fully relaxed and ready so this one comes from someone called

at Alex Aspirated wrote a story for us you asked for this so here you bloody go are you ready I'm ready here is story number one it's called

New Love's Amplitude. The wind outside was howling and rain hammered against the window of the House of Pickles. Eli shivered and pulled his blanket more firmly around his shoulders. His flatmate had gone to visit family and the place felt far too big for him now. The rain was so heavy that at first, Eli didn't hear anything out of the ordinary. Gradually, though, he became aware of an urgent knocking at his front door. Throwing his blanket aside, he hurried to find out who was there in this torrent. As he swung open the heavy wooden door, a surprising face greeted him. Paul!

Standing on the doorstep, looking very sorry for himself, was Eli's friend and business partner. Oh, and Eli's business partner. Rainwater had soaked him through and his shoulders were hunched against the cold. Can I come in? Paul asked softly. Fuck yes, of course. Come in before you drown, Eli said, grabbing the taller man by the wrist and hoeing him inside. What are you doing here? I thought you had plans with that girl you met the other day. Stood me up, said Paul, through chattering teeth. Ah, I'm sorry, Eli looked around, looking aimlessly, as if assurance could be gotten from one of the various items he had in his foyer.

seamlessly, as if assurance could be gotten from one of the various items he had in his foyer. Well, listen, go up to my room and I'll be up in a minute. You look so fucking unimpressed. Soon Paul was standing in Eli's bedroom, water dripping from his sandy blonde hair, while Eli hooyed around grabbing towel and blankets. Two mugs of hot tea steeped in a corner. So what happened? Eli asked, offering a towel to his friend.

Oh, God. Well, Paul said, taking the towel and rubbing water from his face. We were supposed to meet for dinner. I got a reservation and everything. Dressed up really nice. And then sat there looking... It's all fiction, you fuckwad. Yeah, but that's not very realistic, is it?

You spent me on a date. Fuck you. And then sat there looking like an idiot in this fancy restaurant for an hour and a half waiting for her. Christ. She eventually texts me and you know what? I'm just going to read this to you

because it's fucking priceless. Paul took out the phone, miraculously undamaged by the deluge of rain and began to read. So he says, Sorry, sorry love but i can't make dinner tonight real busy kiss somehow he managed to pronounce the abbreviations which eli found impressive so i texted her back ask her what's going on and she still hasn't gotten back to me fuck that is cold yeah there was a pause and paul put his face to his hands A choked sob

Wrecked itself from his throat And Eli's heart jumped With sympathy for his friend And anger on his behalf Again So unrealistic Hey Don't do that

He said And he hoped There was a soothing tone Rubbing his friend's back Listen That woman doesn't deserve you I feel weird about this whole thing. I've not read any of these,

by the way, so I'm enjoying it as we go. Anyone would be lucky to be with you. You know that, right? You're a fucking catch, mate. And if that bitch doesn't see that, then she's not only a cunt, but a fucking blind as well.

Paul lifted his head, a a fucking blind as well. Paul lifted his head, a sad smile on his face. You think so? I think so, Eli said, and put his arm around Paul and pulled him in closer. They sat together that way, Paul leaning into his friend for what seemed like forever. And then Paul began to shiver again. Hey, Eli said quietly. Listen, you'll never get dry if you don't get out of those clothes. Oh, Eli said quietly. Listen, you'll never get dry if you don't get out of those clothes.

Oh, God. Mr. Silverman, are you trying to seduce me in that delicate state? Paul asked, his eyes glinting with familiar cheekiness. It's not familiar. Maybe, said Eli, lowering his hand to the hem of Paul's shirt,

rough fingertips caressing the skin that exposed there. Paul turned and met his friend's eyes. As Eli slowly began to undress Paul and Paul's cold hands reciprocated in turn, still they gazed at each other. Paul's eyes only closed and he felt Eli's lips pressing onto his neck, felt the smaller man push down onto his bed. Why has she got this whole thing about our size differences? What's her fucking problem? Or his? Oh my God.

Oh, Paul turned and met his friend's eyes. As Eli slowly began to undress Paul and Paul's cold hands reciprocated in turn. They gazed at each other. Paul's eyes only closed when he felt Eli's lips pressing onto his neck. Felt the small man push him down onto the bed. Small man? explored new territory until the crucial moment came. Eli propped himself up, looking down on the younger man's boyish face. Oh, God.

Bright, shining eyes. Are you ready? He asked. Immediately, wished he hadn't said something so stupid. Paul mercifully let it go with a simple nod. Just be gentle. I've never done this before.

Eli nodded. A moment's hesitation. Adjustment. Pressure. Ecstasy. The wind still howled. And the rain still fell. But the new lovers were death to each other.

And that's where the story ends. Well, that didn't get as quite as graphic as I thought it might. No, I thought it was going to get quite graphic. I was expecting a rumpy pomple time. You have the incredibly uncomfortable... Can I just read this one out? It's really quick. This is from Crimson Bolt. Can't I read one?

And the script says, Open, Dusk at Pickle Manor. He's like just in his pants. Paul, watch. Nice. All right, okay. his pants. Paul, watch. Nice. All right, okay. Can I read one, please? Next one.

This is from Stephen. Please, can I read it? Okay, yeah. I'm just going to... It's a bit of a long one. I'll do it. I'll read it. Yeah?

Yeah. It's fucking long, actually. I want you to have this experience. All right, okay. Again, I have not read these. I want you to have the experience of listening to us fictionalised and it's fucking... This is from Stephen Freary and it's all up to you.

Here you go, take it away. One hot night. It was a balmy night in the house of pickles. The faint aroma of chilli relish and olive brine hung in the air as Eli sat languidly on his chair, confined to his den while his housemate entertained a potential lover. You're flat, mate! Eli could hear his neighbours at it again.

She was really vocal in her lovemaking and her man always seemed to be a good effort yeah this is definitely fiction thumping away

there was a tightness in Eli's pants but it was resentful tightness knowing there would be no lovemaking for

him tonight Eli sat back and sparked up a cigarette that he had rolled with half tobacco and half weed

he inhaled deeply the heavy smoke from the weed then exhaled slowly, leaning his head back and closing his eyes, just as he was drifting off. Eli was startled awake by his phone vibrating on the side table.

It was a message from Paul. Hi Eli, big favour, can I crash at yours tonight? Don't ask. Eli sighed. He could use some company tonight, he thought. Sure, but you'll be stuck in here with me though my housemate is entertaining paul replied i know but what does that have to do with anything eli began to regret his decision but sent the message back just come over you muppet

20 minutes later or so eli got the text i'm coming up rock hard right now from paul eli opened the door to his room peeking his head out. The conversation seemed to be coming from the other room so Eli quietly made his way out and let Paul in.

The two good friends entered into Eli's room. Paul sitting on the chair and Eli on the bed. Paul smiled cheekily. Don't look at me like that said Eli. But I've brought a surprise

Paul said in a sing song voice. As he said this he pulled out a bottle of the finest vodka you can imagine. What the hell is this? Where did you get it? Eli asked in amazement.

A friend of my housemate got this from someone that really don't like. Plus, they don't even drink vodka. It was also part of the deal that I not stay at my place tonight. Well, I don't give a shit who it came from. I'll fucking drink it, said Eli, reaching over to his shelf of tat and grabbing two novelty shot glasses from yesteryear. Nice detail. That's important.

Eli knocked back his first shot and felt like a velvet down his throat, the warmth spreading to his belly as he savoured the clean, crisp taste. Paul coquettishly sipped at his first shot, but on tasting it, he couldn't resist downing the whole thing. They sat there for a moment, gazing at each other in wonder how such a a drink could even exist without another word paul poured out another shot

for each of them and they drank it silently after a while the bottle stood with one third left paul and eli had been having an interesting conversation about who they would most like to start with in a porno with and they heard the neighbors going for a second round of lovemaking is that what i think it is asked paul in an innocent tone yes eli sighed the conversation died off just at the right time to hear the woman talking loudly in the throes of passion oh fuck yes take my ass yes the woman said both paul and eli heard this clearly and the atmosphere in the house of pickles became sultrier. Eli could feel the tightness in his pants return, but this time it felt insistent, yearning.

Paul was very tipsy. He felt like the temperature had gone up 20 degrees. Lucky bastard, Eli mumbled, looking at Paul, who appeared a little flustered. You can take off your shirt if you're too hot, Eli said to Paul. Paul complied, sorry, he didn't compile it.

Paul complied, and then lay back in his chair. Paul's hand came to rest on his crotch, and he absentmindedly began rubbing in his penis. Like you were doing today, on two occasions. Yeah, so it's not that far removed from the fact. No, it's not. I'm doing it now. I've got a little bit of a perch going on.

Oh, fuck off. Seeing Paul fondle himself, combined with the sounds of a woman enjoying anal sex, Eli's penis became rock hard. Yeah, baby. Boom, boom, boom. Paul still had his eyes closed, so Eli started rubbing his own penis.

Oh. Enjoying the feeling of his erection through the denim of his pants. Oh. Denim rub rubs. Denim rub rubs. That is denim rub rubs. Excellent.

It's too bloody hot in here, Eli said, and took off his trousers and t-shirt, sitting back on his bed with only his underwear. Seeing this, Paul did the same, taking off his trousers. There were no more secrets now. They could both see each other's erections poking into their underwear. Ding dong. Well, Paul said, still looking at Eli, you're making a nice tent there. Yeah.

Eli looked down and back at Paul. So are you, said Eli. He was feeling a little unsure about what was going on. Was he fucked? You know it would be okay if we just relieved ourselves. We're both adults, said Paul, his hand slowly tracking towards his throbbing mound, then grasping it lightly.

Eli was feeling quite aroused now, thinking about the woman next door giving her man pleasure and felt his hand sliding down his body and then stroking the length of his shaft still bound in his underwear. Paul needed no further invitation. No. Pulling down his jocks and letting his erection spring back up. Broing! He stood there, looking at Eli expectantly.

Have a load of this, you fuck! Seeing another man's erect penis in the flesh was strangely thrilling. Paul was a good size. Thank you. Shut up. And he seemed to have recently trimmed his pubes, which showed off his testicles, hanging lazily in the warm room.

Nice touch. Eli took a deep breath and dropped his underwear, feeling his erection bouncing, as it was freed from his cotton prison. They stood there for a moment, admiring each other's throbbing members. You've got a nice cock. So have you.

You've got a lovely dickhead. You don't. No one does. I have. I don't. Mine's pretty as a picture. Mine looks like a grain of rice on top of a galaxy. pretty as a picture.

Mine looks like a grain of rice on top of a galaxy. Mine looks like an arm upon a pillow. Okay. Well, where have we got to? They stood there for a moment

admiring each other's throbbing members. Paul started to gently shrug his shaft making his penis twitch. Eli sat on his bed and fondled his testicles. He looked around

as to a tub of Vaseline sitting on the shelf of his open wardrobe. It's better than nothing, said Eli. Yeah, it's true. I don't have Vaseline in my room. No, just mayo. Yeah, mayo works. Yeah, mayo's fine.

Like egg-based lube. What is, asked Paul as he spotted the Vaseline Eli was heading for. Oh, you're going to grease up Your pole Eli Yeah Said Eli Which sounded like a grunt Yeah

I can't go on Paul Do it This is the worst episode Do it I'm fucking throbbing right now And if you don't finish this story Can we just not have this episode My balls are aching

finish he walked back over to the bed opened the lid and stuck two fingers into the jar the tip is not going to get too much

Eli withdrew his fingers and tossed the jar to Paul Paul caught the jar and paused to watch Eli start to rub the soothing balm into his hard dick

then looked down yes yes yes God it's going on and on at his own he saw he didn't really need the Vaseline because he was producing plentiful amounts of pre-cum.

So he put the jar down, sat on the chair and started to wank slowly. He watched as Eli, fully lubricated, was rubbing his shaft in time to the thumping from the neighbours. I actually wrote this about you and me, Paul. I know, I'm very proud of them. I'm very proud. Eli kept glancing at Paul,

who was sitting back in the chair, proudly displaying his erection while stroking it. It was fascinating to see how another guy gave himself pleasure. Eli felt he was in a slightly awkward position

sitting on the edge of the bed. Okay, I think we've admired each other enough now. Yes. I'm going to lie on the bed and get more comfortable.

Yes. Eli sort of rolled around to lie on the back and bed on his back. Can I join you, Paul asked? Yes. This is not the most

comfortable chair. Alright, while you're up, turn the light off. Alright I join you? Paul asked. Yes. This is not the most comfortable chair. Alright, while you're up turn the light off. Alright, while you're doing it. Turn the light off just leave the lamp over there on responded Eli

lazily stroking himself. Paul lay down next to Eli and they both began to pleasure themselves again. Can we just get to the butt set?

Can we get to it? After a few minutes Eli hears Paul saying in a small voice, do you think I could maybe touch you? Paul, I don't like this. I don't like this. Come on.

Come on. Shut up. Do it. Whatever. Eli was in the moment and maybe it was the vodka talking but he replied after a second, sure. Withdrawing his hand, Eli felt Paul's fingers tentatively brushing his thighs

as they made way to his quivering erection. Paul gently but firmly grabbed Eli's shaft and paused for a moment. Wow, Paul said. It feels exactly the same as mine but so different. And smaller. That is not what he wrote. That's what I'm inferring.

Eli let that verbal slip slide because the feeling of a firm hand grasping his penis was a strange yet comforting feeling. Paul began to glide his hand up and down in a sensuous way, pausing at the tip to play, then sliding all the way down to the base in one smooth motion. Eli noticed

Paul was stroking himself at the same time. Yeah. Oh well, when in Rome, Eli said and reached over to Paul's boner and grabbed it. Oh! Oh, exclaimed Paul quickly, followed by an oh. Why aren't you being more sexy

when you read this? Because I'm finding this deeply uncomfortable and weird. I have to say, Paul. I have to say. I have to say. That's a shame. This is a genius.

It's going on and on as well. That's why you're shit in bed. There's no love making. There's no romance for you. I don't want to make love to you, Paul. I don't care. This is indicative of your beat him and eat him style. All right?

Just get on with it. Oh, as Eli began to rub Paul. Eli started to run his hand. Come on, put some fucking emotion into this. Eli started to run his hand... Come on, put some fucking emotion into this. Eli started to run his hand over Paul's erect penis. Yeah. Getting faster with his strokes. Slow down a bit, Eli.

I want to enjoy this, Paul said. And Eli... I do. And Eli reduced the tempo of his motions. There is literally loads more. All right, we'll skip down to the bit where I come. All right, okay. So, I think I'm eating your arse now. Okay, all right.

Ooh, your beard tickles, giggled Paul. Eli took this as a cue to tease Paul, rubbing his beard up and down, tickling Paul's erection. Eli kept stroking and licking Paul until he could tell Paul

was close to coming. Then Eli set up cross leg next to Paul and used both of his hands on the throbbing member one at the base one at the tip and worked them together to maximise stimulation.

Oh Eli, oh oh yes. Oh fuck, so good. Eli, that's it, yes. Fucking make me cum, Eli, yes. Paul became less coherent the closer he got to cumming. Then all of a sudden, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. Paul ejaculated with such force, it almost hit the roof. That's right.

Eli felt like he was holding a small fire hose as the pressure was released. That's fucking too right. The cum fell back down onto Paul, who was still convulsing after he'd finished ejaculating. Oh, God. Oh, jeez, what a mess, Eli said with a smile on his face. He laid back down on the bed and felt himself drifting off to sleep straight away. Typical. Paul was not far behind.

He was out like a light once the convulsions had finished. The end. Please, never again, please, make me go through this. Right, next story. No more. Next story. Let's finish. No more. Next story. Let's finish. Next story.

Next story. Oh, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Can we not do this ever again, Paul? This is a short one. This is a little short one. Who's this from? This is from, I think it's Shaina, her name is. S-H-A-I-N-A.

Shaina. And there comes a little drawing it comes with a little drawing! Look there's me and you in a boat! That's pretty cool. That's pretty nice isn't it? We're in a little boat, you and me. Okay. Paul had to take a moment to process what had just happened. The remains of his Poundland wooden boat drifted even further away from the shore.

He looked numbly down at his arm, which had been badly splinted by the wreck, but he was too shocked to feel any pain. Paul, snap out of it, you fucking twat! Paul was finally jostled from his trance by Eli's violent shouts. We're stranded. Paul, five pounds for a boat? Of course we'll fucking crash. Paul whipped his head to the left and gave Eli a death stare.

This is your fault, Eli. Your weight was what broke the boat in the first place. Eli and Paul argued for a solid hour before running out of energy. They needed to create a shelter to sleep in. Two weeks in, it became apparent that no one was coming to rescue them. What were we eating? I don't know. Crabs. Happy? They were both close to starvation.

Oh, there you go. We weren't eating. We weren't eating. And Paul's arm was already badly infected. Not as sexy. So far, not sexy. We're both starving, and I've got a gangrenous arm. To make matters worse, the island was freezing at night.

Neither man had masturbated since crashing. Look, I'll be honest. If I'm starving on an island, wanking's the last thing I'm thinking about. It's not how I might... What are you doing to distract yourself? It's not even that. I don't think I could even get it up.

Are we going to do it in this one? Why can't there be someone who does it as we're some kind of macho fuck squad? We don't know. It might be. Eli was reaching his limit. That's it. I've got to have a wank. It's fucking freezing and this will warm me up.

No, Eli. I don't want to be in your presence while you do that. I'll never be able to get an erection again after witnessing this. Paul brushed off Paul's comments and popped his cock out. Paul tried to drown out Eli's moans, but the sound made it to his ears no matter what he did. He was so cold and Eli looked so warm. Paul hesitantly pulled his own dick out and started pumping. It felt good for a few minutes.

But then he went back to freezing once the initial waves of pleasure wore off. He had no choice but to crawl towards Eli. What the hell are you doing, Paul? Get off me! Eli protested. But when the heat of Paul's body hit him, he couldn't fight it any longer. He let Paul plant his lips on his neck. Eli ran his tongue down

Paul's septic splinter wounds. Oh, what? Paul lowered his head to wrap his mouth around Eli's three-inch ... Fuck off. And Eli shifted around to return the

favour. They 69'd for a while while taking it to the next step. It was awkward as neither of them had had any experience with another man that they would admit. I did. However, once Paul was fully inside Eli, their bodies relaxed and they were letting themselves enjoy the moment. They continued through the night,

taking small breaks, switching who was the bottom several times, changing positions until the sun finally came up and they were warm enough not to need each other anymore. Paul woke up six hours later with an immense cloud of shame hanging over his head. He groaned and looked over to find Eli was nowhere in sight. He heard heavy footsteps through the sand.

Eli was returning. Paul, you're not going to like this. We've been walking distance from civilization the whole time. Paul immediately died of shock. Eli stood at the fresh court for a second before zipping his pants. Nice. That's my favourite.

That's your favourite because it's so fucking weird. Well, something happened. nice that's my favourite that's your favourite because it's so fucking weird well something happens you die that's good oh that's nice isn't it well you know fictionally that's nice

and oh Eli's big member that's the next story what's this one how many have been sent Paul another four we'll have to do this

as a special we'll do we'll finish it this as a special. We'll finish it off as a special. Should we do one more? Let me read it, please. Yeah? Yes. I'll find one that isn't too long. So yeah, if you're listening to this podcast and you want to hear more for whatever fucking reason,

we will do the next two stories. I don't want to go down this route. We'll do the next two stories. This has been traumatic for me, Paul. All right, this one's not too long, this story. So this one's from, who's it from? It's from someone called Cammie. Okay.

Okay, here you go. Eli, to end on, this is the last story. Go for it. Take it away. Cue the sex. Hello, said Eli maybe you put the microphone close to your mouth

so I can hear it because I can't right now how's that I mean it's not great but I don't know why you just can't hello how's that Paul here try that

put it in that well I'm not allowed to have a phone no put the phone in that you twat is that better now get me hard yeah are you ready

yes right Eli's big member don't make a don't make a wank noise with your mouth Is that better? Now get me hard. Yeah, are you ready? Yes. Right. Eli's big member. Don't make a wank noise with your mouth. Are you done? You're done now, yeah? I'm done.

Okay. All right? Don't do it again. Go. Eli's big member. Yeah. member yeah hello said eli i'm mr eli oh said everyone present you are mr eli i like this one they were in a field and mr eli was dressed in a gown the crowd before him were all from the ellie cathedral bird watching enthusiast consortium and they've all gathered to secure So Mr Eli was dressed in a gown. The crowd before him were all from the Ellie Cathedral Birdwatching Enthusiasts Consortium and they were all gathered to secure the final spotting goal.

Spotting goal. The final spotting goal. It was in the back of their books and it was worth 500 points. The greatest of all the spotting targets. Some of the crowd were in their late 60s and they stood adjusting their spectacles. The whole spectrum down the age of around 25, down to the age of around 25, were represented,

although the younger ones were all rather eccentric. Is this a sex story or a sports story? It's fucking strange. Anyway, go on. One bird-watching enthusiast looked down in her book and turned to the page they were about to complete. The final goal was there, Mr Eli's todger. As she read the words, she said, ooh, in her head and felt all flustered.

I'm going to get some hetero sex in this story. Oh, if you're lucky. I'm hoping. Right. Shut up. Visibly excited. All right then, said Mr. Eli. Enough fucking around.

Who wants to see my massive wang? And in unison, the crowd all cried out, We do! But little did they know that far off in the edge of this field, another individual was involved. He was hunched in a bush, not quite concealed, and wearing a T-shirt that was once white, but had attained an unusual brownish-grey hue

due both to the general neglect and his strange decision to smear himself with mud as a disguise. He thought to himself, Oh, I am so clever, no one will ever spot me here. Is this going to be me? Aren't I a clever, clever man? And he took out his binoculars and squared up for the big reveal. He was visibly excited.

This is going to be me, isn't it? I hope so. This bush pervert is going to be me. Okay, I'm going to fucking do it, guys, said Mr. Eli. It's coming out. My great big member is coming out to play. And with that, he lifted up his gown and his immense coiled sausage unravelled before the crowd

oh I love fiction good lord said one grandmother of 63 years very specific age it's so clean good and it must be at least

four yards long that's right fucking right love said Mr Eli and we not even got a stalk on I'm a grower not a shower ooooh

said the crowd I like the fact it's a fucking crowd this is fucking great this is brilliant this is brilliant please show us said an extremely

attractive blonde woman in her late 20s thank you right he looked hard into her and then she understood this is good she understood she took off all her clothes and then she understood. This is good.

She understood. She took off all her clothes and then put paper bags over the heads of all the oldest members of the crowd. Immediately, Mr. Eli's wazoo got as solid as a rock. It was at least 50 times longer than it had been. What the fucking hell? And in its rapid growth, it struck

a Boeing 747 and downed it, killing 419 people. Wow, graphic. Seeing what had happened, on a radar, the police arrived immediately. Hello, hello, said the constable to Mr. Eli, whose erect penis was still standing high above the clouds. What do you have to say for yourself? Oh, fuck off. He said, don't blame me, blame that pervert Paul Gannon. And he pointed into the bush

where Paul had been hiding all along. Don't think I didn't know who you were that you were there, Paul. I could smell your feet. Fuck you. Camille was brilliant.

And several... Lovely. Fuck you. Lovely. She's really picked up on the detail here. Of my stinky feet and your fictional large cock.

Yes, basically. And several police officers piled on the bush and then cuffed Mr Gannon. I didn't do it, he cried out like a wuss. I haven't done anything in this story. I've been in the bush. Good, I like it. You're in the bush and some blonde is giving me hard-ons. Oh, yeah, said Mr Eli, calmly reducing his erection

and allowing his great John Thomas to gracefully descend to the ground. If you're so innocent, then suck me off. Oh, here we go. Yay! Suck you off. Suck you off. Come on. You may be thinking that, sir, said the police constable,

but I am of the view that this is reasonable. Paul Gannon, if you want to prove your innocence, then please suck off Mr. Eli. Thank you, officer. Realising that he might otherwise face life in a maximum security prison, Paul walked over to Mr. Eli's extensive phallus. Just as his lips gripped the head and began to suckle, Mr. Eli let out a sound like, and suddenly became completely erect. Paul managed to hold on until the gargantuan chopper reached its apex growth, but was then flung a great distance,

not landing until some minutes afterwards, far out in the North Sea. Wow, that's impressive. The police constable looked bemused for a set moment, primarily at the loss of his handcuffs, and then said, Mr. Eli, I'm afraid to say, in the absence of Mr. Cannon, we're going to have to arrest you instead. Someone must be arrested, I'm afraid, sir.

It is the law. Mr. Eli's reply was deeply unexpected. Yeah? If you arrest me, I'm going to shit. I'm going to shit everywhere. Yeah. Very well, sir. In that case, we'll arrest someone else.

The end. The end. Bravo! That wins. I think that wins It wins because what She wrote a story Where your dick was massive

I love the surreal aspect To that I have to say Well we will do For the Patreon people At least I had some laughs That other one wasn't laughs It was meant to be sexy

I wanted sexy It wasn't just us wanking In my room for hours That sounds fine to me. I haven't gotten down to it. I want that. That's what I want. Right, okay.

So, for Patreon people, we will record the other rest of those stories and put them out in a podcast. Okay. Can we do some other things? Honestly, I think we've spent our load this episode. Yeah, we shot our wodge. We didn't do the sex and dating survival guide that I bought at a charity shop. Which is a shame. Because apparently, if you've got smelly balls,

you know what they say they recommend you can do? Take a chamomile tea bag. Wash your balls. Take a chamomile tea bag. Just wash your balls. And rub your balls on the tea bag. Don't rub your balls on tea bags. I mean, wash your balls bag Just wash your balls And rub your balls on the tea bag Don't rub your balls on tea bags I mean wash your balls Always wash your balls

And I always do And that's what I've tried to emphasise To my listeners The house of pickles It's not the pickled balls It's not the house of Eli's pickled balls Ball It's the house of actual pickles

Pickled vegetables We get it And chutneys Even so, Mer. Well, if this episode hasn't turned you off, me and Eli, for the rest of your life... It's turned me off, me, Paul. It's turned me off, me. I have been fur... You know what?

I think these pills are kicking in. No, they're not. Have you actually taken two? Yeah, I took two, didn't I? You saw me take them. What? These are empty for what? You're getting all speedy.

You're getting all speedy, aren't you? I'm not getting all speedy. You're not going to be able to sleep, mate. Anyway. Rock on. Yeah. So, thank you for your stories. The ones we didn't get to read out will be in a future Patreon episode.

And that has been our deeply awkward, not as funny as it usually is, episode of Cheap Show. That's what we say every time. It's never as funny as it usually is, episode of Cheap Show. That's what we say every time. It's never as funny as it usually is. It's never as funny as we think. How can something never be as funny as it usually is? It would have to have been funny at some point,

but it can't be. I just horribly think that people will listen to this and go, I like Eli and Paul, but this episode has made me feel uncomfortable. Yes.

I've certainly felt uncomfortable right from the start. I haven't. Well, that's because you're a... I have no shame I'm reasonably sexually laid back I think love is love And sex is sex

And provided no one gets hurt And it doesn't break any particular law Then all love is good Good And I'm just going to say That I am single And if anyone's interested In making love to me

Then by all means The Samaritan's Helpline Is 116123 one's interested in making love to me, then, by all means, the Samaritan's Helpline is 116123. Well, that's a bit of a downer. That is a downer. That's a bit of a downer. I hope someone... God, if we

actually... Let me just say, before, I did pick up some records today, Paul. Fuck me! And your beard has gone full Edmonds now. And this is a record that you said it was too scratched, but this is a better copy. Isn't it?

I thought it was scratched and not playable. Tell them what you've got. This is The Day They Remembered, which must be some kind of war song, do you think? I don't know. I don't know, because the whole idea is what Noel Edmonds presents. Noel Edmonds introduces Record Year and The Day They're Remembered. And on the other side is Cavatina by John Williams.

Which is that very classical guitar-y kind of... But who's that classical guitar guy? Not John Williams, the Star Wars guy. John Williams, the Spanish guitar guy. They're two different John Williams, are they? Yeah. Okay. Oh yeah, two different John Williams.

So I'll be interested to hear that. We'll have that on an upcoming spatter and the B side of Russ Abbott yes I found Russ Abbott's atmosphere on 7 inch single

everybody and it has a tune that is not on the album which we recently reviewed no which is written by Russ Abbott himself so we'll see what the

man is capable of amazing you know what we knocked him a little bit in the previous episode for being so bland and insipid on that album. But I saw a clip of him

on Des O'Connor tonight. Drumming? Drumming to Swing, Swing, Swing. Fucking amazing drumming. Was he good, really? Really fucking good drumming. I mean, it's not like he's, you know,

is it Keith Moon, the famous drummer? Is that who I'm thinking of? Keith Moon was the drummer from The Who. Yeah. It's not like he's this amazing but it is excellent drumming

okay and I as a frustrated drummer myself one of the things I want to do this year is pick up the drums again because I learned I tried to learn when I was 14, 15

and never got into it because I couldn't afford a drum kit so this year I want to try and learn the drums again okay anyway you being awkward

and changing the conversation doesn't take away from the fact that this has been a red hot episode of Cheap Show. So that's it. Alright. We finally got the sex episode

out of the way. Good. I think like sex, it was a lot of build up and then quite a lot of disappointments afterwards. A lot of disappointment. I genuinely have to say that fanfic

or slash fic made me feel very uncomfortable. Not me. Not me. I enjoyed it so much I don't know what to say. fanfic or slash fic made me feel very uncomfortable not me not me I enjoyed it so much I don't know what to say I enjoyed it

you're gonna listen back to the recording I might do it I might listen back to the story about me and you and the rain and it all gets sexy

and then I might just lie back and stroke my belly trumpet until all sticky white love piss comes out so support us on Patreon but if you still love us by now my belly trumpet until all sticky white love piss comes out. So support us on Patreon.

But if you still love us by now, support us on Patreon. You can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show, donate whatever you fancy. Also, we're on Twitter at thecheapshowpod. Eli is found on Cheap Show how? E-L-N-L-N. Wow, that was really good.

Set me up again. And how can they find you on Twitter? I've got a Twitter handle. Yes. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D Eli Snoid. Eli Snoid, all one word. I am at Paul Gannon's show. We have a Reddit page as well.

We can join in the discussion of the episodes that we do. It is called reddit.com forward slash r forward slash cheap show. And if you have been missing noodles, which I know you have, because I wonder if any of that slash fic had me shoving noodles up your ass well if you listen to

Patreon there might be a noodle element my friend Mark Allen who has reviewed noodles for us and we've read out is going to make an

appearance on the Reddit page and start posting some of his noodle reviews so that's something for you to look forward to if you like the

noodle aspect of this show which has been fucking depressed it's not been suppressed it's your fucking bone idol list that hasn't brought it to the

fore so it's a noodle special yeah when's that gonna come it's coming it's never gonna come it's fucking coming it's never gonna

come like it's never gonna come it's never happening it's never happening right you can say that it's not gonna happen if it happens by June I'll be surprised.

All right. All right? You've thrown down the gauntlet. Anyway. You've not thrown down the gauntlet. You've thrown down the disgusting cheap sex toy. If you want to see what we've been touching and playing with, you can also go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk

and look at our dedicated page for this episode and look at all the video clips and the pictures that associate themselves with the things we've been saying. That's also there. What else? We've got a Facebook page, and if you want to and you can, go to Apple, go to iTunes,

and review our podcast on there, and that helps us go up the chart a little bit more, I believe. Very good. Very nice, Paul. And I think that's it. Thank you for listening to The Cheap Show. I've been Paul Gannon. I'm Eli Silverman. And we feel pretty much ashamed with ourselves.

I'm pretty shame-faced. But thank you very much for supporting us. And remember, we're Fleek for Cheap. Goodbye. Goodbye. I'm sorry. Hello, listener. I thought while I was waiting for Paul and Eli to turn up here at this sex dungeon, I thought I'd just give you a little chat about my thoughts about sex. I don't know when they're going to be here, but, you know, I'm looking forward to the time they do.

It's an absolute pleasure to be involved in the sex episode. It's kind of been brewing up up to this point anyway, hasn't it? The sexual tension between the two of them is palpable. You can almost smell it. Well, you certainly can in some parts of the House of Pickles, that's for sure. I thought I'd talk to you about my feelings about sex. I've done it. I've done it a couple of times, actually, believe it or not. So much so that I've actually got a child off the back of it.

That is the side of sex they don't talk about very often, the fact that you can actually create human life. And I did that. And now I've got a girlfriend who wants to have a child herself. I think that's ridiculous. I don't think she's thought it through at all. It's so tiring and to be honest I've already completed parenting I've created a child that survived till 10 years old

he can pretty much look after himself I certainly don't want to go through it all again with screaming crying pooey bums and I don't want a baby so I said to my girlfriend I don't think she's ready for it I don't think that she's mentally prepared for the amount of tiredness and the mental torture having a baby put you through so I decided what I do is I'd set up alarms all through the night and what she'd have to do is every half an hour from 8 p.m until 8 a.m she has to get up find a way down a darkened corridor to the room that I call my office that she now calls the nursery and there she would have to in total darkness put together a thousand piece jigsaw

puzzle every single half oh and also the jigsaw puzzle is also covered in shit just to give her an understanding of how terribly tiring it is but you know she wants to do that she definitely does so we are now officially trying for a baby trying for a baby it's ridiculous what trying for a baby actually means is we're just telling our parents we're having lots of sex i never really understood it it seems a weird thing doesn't it my mum came around the other day she said how's the trying for a baby going when did that become except let's just break that down. That's essentially my mum saying, how's the sex going? You know, we're trying for a baby.

If we'd made a baby, we'd have told her, wouldn't we? When I was growing up, my mum never said to me, how's the desperately trying to lose your virginity going up in your bedroom? That's basically what I was doing as a teenager. I spent a hell of a lot of time practising losing my virginity on my own. You know what? I did so much masturbating as a teenager I spent a hell of a lot of time practicing losing my virginity on my own you know what I did so much masturbating as a teenager when I was 18 I was applying for my

first job I couldn't in all good faith write on my CV works well as part of a team trying for a baby's really odd like I say it seems to be the topic of conversation every time either of our parents come around or speak on the phone. My girlfriend's mum phoned up the other day and said, what have you been up to this week? I said, well, mainly having sex with your daughter. It's different when it's mums as well. My girlfriend's dad phoned up the other day. I made a similar quip.

He did not enjoy that, I can tell you. Trying for a baby isn't quite as glamorous as you think it would be as well. Sure, you have a little bit more sex, but the romance has really gone. You know, when your girlfriend says we need to have sex on Thursday at three o'clock because I'm in some sort of trimester, then it really does take the point out of it for me. Trying for a baby also means you hear some unromantic things. Like the other day when we finished having sex my girlfriend flipped her legs back over her head and said i'm just gonna leave it in trying for a baby

means the sex talk really does go downhill a lot what we're essentially doing my girlfriend said is we're leaving it in just leaving it in letting it really soak in. It's disgusting, isn't it? Sometimes now when we've finished doing the dirty business, my girlfriend would just flip her legs up over her head behind her. I can't be in the room when she's doing that, honestly. I have to just go downstairs. I can't do this. She said, well, what am I going to do up here with my ankles behind my ears? I said, well, whatever you do do, don't cough.

It'll be like a fucking fountain in here i remember when we first got together and it was so exciting we did all the things that a young couple do in the throes of passion ah there was one thing though and this is a hint i can give to you this take this home use it use it tonight especially the lads there's one thing that when you're having sex can ruin the moment it really can and that is the removal of the socks we all know there is nothing sexy about that moment when the inevitable has to happen and you've got to pull the socks off your feet and here's here's the hint lads what you do is you go in for a little bit of close work you know she doesn't

know what you're getting up to maybe give her a little kiss on the neck. Whisper sweet nothings into her ears. Say something like, you know, you look all right tonight. Something really nice. Set the mood. And then when she's not looking, you press your socked foot down onto the carpeted floor. Creating a sort of bond between the two fabrics. A sort of friction, if you will. And then, when the moment's right and she's

not paying attention just press your sock foot down on the floor whip it back leaving the sock where it was and your foot completely and utterly sock free it works absolutely every time it's brilliant do make sure you do make a good contact though because if you don't get it first time and you give it two three four five attempts at getting that sock on that carpet, I've been known to build up so much static electricity it turns my penis into a sort of human cattle prod. Although, you know, that can be useful for manoeuvring her into a sexual position she wasn't keen to get into in the first place. My girlfriend said to me the other day, you can do anything you want to me anything you want and i don't mind telling you listen up i there's nothing that we don't do that i want to do you

know i've got a pretty healthy sex life she said there must be something you want to do i said no there's nothing there's nothing we want to do she said there must be something i said there honestly is you know what there's only one thing we're not allowed to do, and that is sex from behind. My girlfriend doesn't like it because she says she doesn't know what's going on back there. Which is fair enough, really. This only came about after she found hobnob crumbs in her bum crack. But, you know, when you're first with someone and the energy is high and you want to try different things, sometimes you may be tempted to do things like taking a sexy bath together. Well, I can tell you what.

It's a bad idea. I'm quite a big bloke. There is nothing sexy about seeing a man of my size just sloshing around in three inches of dirty water whilst my girlfriend's there cupping that water over my red blotchy skin. It's almost like she's trying to keep a beached whale moist until the tide comes back in to wash it out to sea. Absolutely nothing sexy about that whatsoever.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know if Paul and he and I are actually turning up to this sex parlour, so I'm going to go and have a look for them, see if there's any business going about. Anyway, I'm sure we'll speak again soon. Cheers! Thank you.