CheapShow - Ep 70: Abbott & Edmonds' Madcap Music Time

Episode Date: March 25, 2018

We promise, we will never talk about Russ Abbott's singing career again. Mostly because we have run out of stuff to criticise! In Episode 70 we take one last dip into the world of cheesy light entertainment music and discover a long long Abbott "classic". We also find something MUCH worse. A rare vinyl single. Introduced by "rumoured human" Noel (Tidy Beard) Edmonds. It's not good. Elsewhere in everyone's favourite economy comedy podcast, Paul & Eli argue over more Tales from the Dancefloor, Paul sounds like he is giving up and Eli decides to do something filthy to make things worse! It's not all grime, as Eli takes us once more into his Country Noodle Kitchen and rates, tastes and reviews some "cup noodles" from a range of leading, and not so leading, brands. Will Paul join in? Or will he just decide to do a pretty poor impression of Eli doing his old stand up routine? We think you already know the answer to that one! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Cheap Show is brought to you today by Bobby's Bollocks. Bobby Bollocks is a high street car salesman who sells you the best... Don't do your teeth. Frost your teeth and you gob open. Fucking grime. Oh, it's just so repulsive to look at. I was going to do a little bit that I thought you could come in on and be a character. It wasn't good enough, Paul.

Oh, I'm fucking sorry. You rude, petulant little goblin. Start again. Have we started? We haven't started. This is it. This is it. This is us starting.

It shouldn't be. It is, though, now. It really shouldn't. Do your intro. I was going to do something special, and you've ruined it, because you had to just be so... Stop doing your teeth! I love the actual anger. I love the actual anger. I love the actual anger.

Stop doing your teeth. What? I need to have good dental hygiene. During the podcast, though? You ate a sandwich. See how you like it. Yeah. Just don't do it on purpose now, you spiteful, hateful goblin. Oh, there's a good bit.

Oh, God, mate. Fuck you. What do you mean fuck me? Do your intro. Hello. My name's Eli Silverman. It's episode Who the Fuck Cares of Cheap Show. Paul's lost the will to live, and he's a dickhead. Wow. Wow.

Lovely. You couldn't have maybe said Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast starring me paul gannon and with my delightful co-host eli silverman we hope you enjoy the show who i am i hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles right it's a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor.

How's the pick up? The price of chives is $1. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. I'm not going on a nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. I am Paul Gannon and that continues to be... Eli Silverman. You put me in a really bad mood right from the start of this episode. How? Because of the tooth thing. You're in a bad mood anyway, Paul.

I'm not. I was in a delightful mood. You were not. The trip to the froth shop was delightful. Yes. The League of Snacks was a success. Yes. And then you come along and start mining for fucking gum food in your mouth with your floss stick. Don't do it again.

See what it's like. Have a little taste of the sandwich medicine, Paul. A little taste. So you've just got to carry on doing it then? Have a little taste of my floss stick. Have a little suck of my floss stick. What have we got on the show today, Paul? Because I'm in a great mood.

Today we have a trip to Silverman's Platters where we'll be looking at some weird and maybe not so weird musical items on vinyl that you've found in charity shops and stuff? They are both from Bonet Fide Charity Shoppe. Excellent.

We also are going to be doing quite the segment today on noodles. Oh, yeah. It's happening. The true destiny of the podcast. All right. Incrementally, it will become Eli's Noodle Flamboyance. Flamboyance. Right, we're going to be doing a noodle ending anyway.

Noodles. And what kind of noodles are we expecting? Well, today, Paul, on Cheap Eats, we'll be looking at perhaps the most popular and original type of instant noodle that you can have. It's the pot or cup noodle format. We have three formats. I'm very excited to taste them and discuss them. Don't eat crisps. I'm doing my teeth.

There's that. And then what else? That's it, isn't it? That's it for this episode. No. Come on, you know. Don't eat crisps. You know what it is. Come on, you know. Don't eat crisp, Walton. You know.

You know what it is. Come on, you remember. What is it? Look at me. Staring at me. Your mouth open. Eyes wide. What else have we got?

So we've got silverman's platters. Yeah. But before then. We are starting off. Yeah. With. Come on. Is that not right?

I put Chris down as a result of me getting it right. Okay, Tales from the Dance Floor, Paul. Now you were there the other night in the Discount Suit Company. I was. It's a lovely little boutique-y. That's a different word from the one I was trying

to say. Boutique? Boutique-y. No, just say boutique. Boutique-y? No, just say boutique. Boutique-y. We're not doing this segment until you say boutique. All right, boutique. Thank you. At least I can say things. Say something.

Hello, my name is Paul. Oh, hello, my name is Great Imagination. Don't put the crisps down. All right, I'm sorry. Yeah? All right, I'm just picking my teeth. I'm eating my crisps. Let's just do that.

It's outrageous. You have more appetite when we're recording this podcast than you ever have any other time of day. I am stoned. What do you want me to say? Oh, God. I mean, just did a section on sweets and candy and crisps. Mate, this is the best part of my day.

Okay. So, we are beginning with the Tales from the Dance Floor, yes So, I was there at the Discount Suit Company A lovely boutique bar Not too far away from Liverpool Street Station Where you play music to an intimate crowd It's only got room for about 60 people or so in there So it's very intimate

It's a tight fit Yes Great story That wasn't the story. Oh, okay. It was your story. You were telling the story. No, see, I'm all done.

I was just leading you up to the point where you interrupted. I'll take it from there then. Yes, please. Shall I take over from there? I'll throw it to you. Here you go, catch.

Ooh, thank you. Caught it. Ooh, but it's got a bit of dog shit on it. I'm miming smelling it. Does it make it any better a comedy conceit it doesn't make it any better all right okay sorry um anyway as you can attest paul next to the dj booth not really a booth it's one part of the bar yeah that's the intimate you're djing basically onto the bar one side of the bar yes on the wall mounted next to

where the decks are there is an ipad in a wall mount yes which they do their bookings on and it also has spotify when there's no dj yeah so it's a general purpose. And also, when I'm DJing, what they like to do, Paul, is they put a nice picture up. You know, because no one wants to see your... Spotify playlist or your wallpaper. It does not help with the vibe. So there's photos, various photos of things.

Yeah. Some of them are sort of tailor shop dummies and stuff to go in with the discount suit company theme. Style. And one of them... It's conceited that it's kind of got bits of things from sewing companies upon the walls and stuff. Because it is what used to be called Petticoat Lane that road. Oh okay.

And it was the centre of the rag trade in the East End. Oh there you go. And so I decided to put up a photo I choose to select a photo usually I select the sign outside in a nice black and white arty shot. But this time I went for another one

that I noticed, which is basically a close-up of the back of one of those chairs. Like a leather couch. Leather-bound chairs. If you think it's got all the little sphinxes where the buttons are... Yeah, the little criss-crossy bits.

Rose of sphinx buttons sort of thing. That's how I'd describe it to someone, yes. You know what I'm getting at. Yeah. And it was just a close-up of that. Yeah, they were uphol-crossy bit. Rose of Splinter Buttons sort of thing. That's how I'd describe it to someone, yes. You know what I'm getting at. Yeah. And it was just a close-up of that. Yeah, the upholstery, close-up. It was a close-up shot of some upholstery, which filled the frame.

Yeah. And it was there, and then there was these people at the end of the bar, and they were drinking, and they got a bit loose-tongued, shall we say. And a bit gobby. And this girl goes, Hi, we can't work it out.

Where is that camera pointing? And Paul, she'd thought that the iPad was actually a security camera and that there was a camera pointing at a sofa and they were looking around for the sofa that it was pointing at.

And she was surprised when I said it was an iPad and it was just a picture. Tales from the Dance Floor! No! Now, Paul, I have an actual exciting incident. Well, do you know the problem with that story? What? I was there when it happened, as you pointed

out at the beginning of the story. And I do remember it being unamusing then. No, you said to me, remember this for Tales from the Dance Floor? Eh? Eh? Eh? Come on, Eli! Eh? Eh? Eh? You were pissed. No, I think what you misunderstood was the inflection where I was

like, yeah, save that one for the tails on the down floor. Hey. All right, well, we did. Okay, and then we're out.

Is that it? At least it didn't involve me saying no to someone's request. True. Okay, so. You got a better one.

Oh, yeah. All right. This is like. Is this gold tier? This is the starring the rock. Okay. yeah. All right. This is like. Is this gold tier? This is the Starring the Rock version. All right. This is an action-packed. It's all yours.

Okay, so I'm DJing. Yeah. And I'm DJing, and it's the second set in between the bands, which is where you have to get them rocking. So is this the Blues Kitchen? The Blues Kitchen, yes. You have to get them rocking. All the upbeat stuff, all the stuff they know.

All the stuff they recognise from weddings and stuff and so I'm playing that in the middle of it middle of my set it's going okay it's quite busy you know

just doing my job doing what you do every weekend there all of a sudden uh oh drippy drip drip drippy drip drip drip on you

drippy drip on me oh dear and it drip drip and I'm like oh god it's a leak or something as I'm looking up it turns into like a stream drip drip drip drip drip drip on you drippy drip on me oh dear and it drip drip and i'm like oh god it's a leak or something as i'm looking up it turns into like a stream basically a solid it's not even a drip it's a solid stream of of whatever mystery water mystery water and it's coming down starting to splash everything and then it starts coming down in like three or four other places

okay and i go to i'm trying to sort of call the sound guy yeah i think should i call him i'm panicking you know it's all starting to rain it's a fucking scary situation to start to rain in the booth and uh then the sound guy's there and i'm like costas look look and because the stage is so dark they've got this policy here over the years to keep it dark just for the atmosphere it's really dark up there yeah and they're like what they can't see the water they can't see it and it's there it's splashing all over me this is a thrilling story so far and we're like oh what should we do what should we do and we try and get some cloths and it's not stopping and it's getting worse it's coming out the front of the stage not just over the dj booth now shit and it's like

fuck and we're there for a minute we're trying to move stuff out of the way but it's like, fuck. And we're there for a minute. We're trying to move stuff out of the way, but it's like impossible. Yeah. And then the record ends and I have to sort of go, I have to change the record. In the rain. Basically. I could have got electrocuted today.

And then. That would have been funny. Wouldn't you know it, but it's weird. The owner of the whole group, not just that bar, but the guy who owns all of the bars in the whole chain

and other places, happens to be there. He's up on stage within minutes. What's wrong? I'm like, it's raining in the fucking booth. And then the mixer shorts. Oh, no. Of course.

Because it's wet. And then we had to go rush and put the iPod on. And it was broken. And it meant I didn't have to do my last set. The band came on. They managed to tape it up the stage, and the band came on. What was the cause of it? Someone upstairs in the party room...

They have to tap on it. They have to tap on it in a sink that was blocked with tissue. Idiot. To that extent, it floods that much. It was raining downstairs, you know? So, well, luckily it wasn't like a burst pipe which they couldn't stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the whole ceiling would have fallen in.

That would have been... Eventually, wouldn't it? That would have been costly. Would have been extremely costly. But no, they got it and it was all right in the end. But the mixer was shorted and they couldn't get another one in time. So it meant I didn't have to work as long.

Did you get paid the same? Of course, yeah. It wasn't my fault. No! I just wondered if they were going to get around that and just go, oh, well, you didn't do a whole set. No, they wouldn't do that. They wouldn't do that.

They wouldn't do that. They wouldn't do that. You don't know? You said before that the Blues Kitchen in Camden and Shoreditch are crooked enterprises. No, I never said that. And you said... I never said that. It's because they're crooked and you can work money on the sly. So, I mean, that's how I...

Paul, cut that bit. No, it's all true. There's nothing like you saying it's a criminal organisation. I never said it's not a criminal. I was bought out as a loss. I never said that. Yeah, I think I remember you saying that. I think I remember you saying that.

I'm denying categorically everything you're trying to imply and say. But I'm only repeating what you said out loud to me. You're not repeating anything that I said. I categorically deny that as well. Okay, well, I mean, fine. I mean, you changed your mind now. And also, a lot of my records got sopping wet. So you're saying it's an insurance fraud

thing? No. I got a sopping wet and I had to bring them back here, take them out of their sopping wet thing. Because what can happen to vinyl, Paul? When it gets wet? If you leave the wet card on, it can all sort of disintegrate and stick to it and ruin it. Ruin it forever. And also, it can, like, warp it. Of course. If it dries

out. And you know the way cardboard dries out to form. Yeah Yeah you have a right to be concerned. So I had to rush home. I wasn't pleased. No. I wasn't happy about No I'm sure you weren't.

You know. Oh mate. Could have been killed. That's the only part of the story I didn't like. The fact that you didn't get massive electric shock. And also.

Do you know how hard I would have laughed? You wouldn't have laughed. I would have gone ha ha ha. And then you would have gone goodbye cheap show. I can no longer do you. But who told the story? If you weren't here to tell it you would have laughed. I would have gone, ha, ha, ha. And then you would have gone, goodbye, cheap show. I can no longer do you. But who told the story?

If you weren't here to tell it, you would have survived. Oh, I got a shock. You would have liked that. Well, maybe it would have been a better story. And they gave you a big white streak across your hair. Yeah, and then I could be a superhero. Yeah, at your power.

Yeah. You can, I don't know, crossfade. Crossfade. Is that all your tales from the dance floor? No, don't start to Crossfade. Is that all your tales from the dance floor? No, don't start to hurry me along. I'll have a tales from the dance floor as long as I want. Okay. Is that it though?

Yeah. All right. That's it. I have a tales from the dance floor. Okay. So I was DJing. Well, you weren't DJing. I was DJing in this bar in Cambridge.

You were not DJing in a bar in Cambridge. Yes, I was. Live and Let Live, it's called. I was doing some music there, playing my vinyl, my extensive collection of vinyl. Yeah, you were. Yeah, I did. Why haven't you told me about this? I don't tell you everything. You're making it up. So I was playing some good Motown songs.

And then this girl came up to me. Name a song. Name one song you played that's Motown. Chairman of the Board. That is a different group who are not on Motown and it's not a song. Of that type. Diana chairman of the board that is a different group who are not on motown and it's not a song of that type diana ross yeah what song specifics paul you cannot because you are making this up okay what a girl came up and she said can i have duran duran you went yes and then she knocked you right off is that what happened? No, it was going to be This girl comes up to me, she goes

I like your face I was like, so? A lot of women like my face And she goes, can you play Fleetwood Mac? Which song? The Chain And I said, alright But it's a bit slow to get going And then she goes, just play it

And she played it And as she did, just play it. And she played it. You played it. I played it. And as she did, she did this gun battle. Because you did. Can you get the prepositions right? As I played the song, she did this elaborate gun battle to the tune of the chain. She did an elaborate gun battle. Yeah, and shot all the baddies in the bar.

She enacted a dance. No, she shot people with guns. She shot people with guns. In the pub, who were bad guys. Now, Paul, I'm going to pass the ball back to you. Yeah. All right, you catch the ball. Yeah.

Okay, and it's about keeping the game going. That was my story. Which you're failing to do with this story. It's real. What happened at the end? Well, once the song finished, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- was a slow-mo as the camera whip-panned around her and she threw guns in the air and katanas and stuff and chop-chip-chop and bang-bang-bang.

And then the song ends and she turned around to me and went, sorry about the mess, gave me a wink and walked out the door. Okay, so what's coming up next on Cheap Show? Because you've really killed that section for everyone. You really have. It's time to do Eli Silverman's platter. It's time for the splatter platter. Right, let me end the clip now.

Good. Good energy level, Paul. No, here we go. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to delve once again into Silverman's platter and see what splatters on Silverman's platter. What's on the platter? I'm clapping using the platters.

Very good. Shouldn't do that if you want your vinyl to stay in good shape. But these are two pieces of crap. Excellent. So that's what you get on the Splatter Platter sometimes. Novelty records, things I pick up in charity shops, Paul. Oddities, curios. Now these are both relevant to recent episodes, one more so.

And I think we should start with the Rush Abbott, okay? We're just going to go one last time back to the Rush Abbott party and just discuss this one last track, we think. Now this interested me, because we obviously covered, on the Mikasa Tsukasa, the album. Yes. Having a Party?

Is that what it's called? Having a Party. Now, interestingly, I realised that he'd released singles before that album in 84, as a different character. It was one of his characters from The Madhouse. It was a kind of a, you know, a mod rocker, 50s character.

Yeah. And it was kind of like a spoof song about video games I'd love if you see that you've got to snap it's on YouTube I'll put the clip

I'll put a clip if you see the vinyl though Paul alright I mean you've got to snap it up I'll put a clip of one of the songs on right now I think it's called like the mean

big green mean green purple people eater I think that's what the song's called yeah so I remember that anyway here's a clip of that piece of shit right now new single from Russ Addle.

What the hell is it called? The Space Invaders Meet the Purple People Eaters. We want to hear it, Russ. We really do. We really do. Oh, that was close. Now, I was playing this game, see, down at a local pub. When someone came up to me, he gave me a shout. He had, like, two long arms sticking out of his ears.

You know, I thought I must have had too many beers, you know. It was a short, fat, green thing, just like a space invader. Short, fat, green thing, just like a space invader. Short, fat, green thing, just like a space invader. Sure looks strange to me. I checked, I peed there all night, and I sped all bit out. And I still haven't got me on the second round I looked at the big, you know, I heard him say

Oh man, I guess he's just eating so fast I am a short, fat, green thing You've got a straight and made a short, fat, green thing What, you're a space invader? Short, fat, green thing Blimey, it's a space invader Ooh, looks strange to me So it wasn on a massive hit

But it did do reasonably well But anyway He did a few songs like that Obviously we knew he started off in a band As a drummer We saw his drumming on the Dezo Climaclip Yeah you were very impressed with his drumming Anyway

He releases the album Having a Party And the single off it is of course Atmosphere Which must be the biggest hit of his career. Good. He gets one. And I saw Atmosphere on 7.

That's interesting. On a 7-inch single. And it's on the Spirit Record Company Limited. Now, that's a different label, I believe, from the Having a Party. Interesting. So, I'm thinking this was probably put out before yeah as just a

standalone single then because of the success they were approached by a record company and isn't it EMI who did it

because you know it's on EMI but this isn't EMI this is Spirit this looks like a much smaller label that's what I'm saying because EMI

specialised in like party hit albums and things like that yes well they just had a huge record label I mean they're huge but they made a lot of money on compilation albums and kind of party albums but were EMI specialised in party hit albums and things like that, didn't they? Yes. Well, they just had a catalogue. They just had a huge record label. I mean, they were huge. But they made a lot of money on compilation albums and kind of party albums and things

like that. But were EMI even still... No, EMI recently, in the 2000s, they actually disappeared, didn't they? I don't know that kind of stuff. Yes, that's what happened. A lot of people got dropped. A lot of bands. Yeah, there was a big purge.

Because EMI closed down. But this is on Spirit, so I think probably... And the other thing that makes me think this came before the album and then the album came after the success of this single is the fact that the B-side is a song that does not appear on the album. But is it written by? Is it an original? It's a Russ Abbott original.

And it is called Thoughts of a Child. You see, interesting. Thoughts of a Child. Now,, interesting. Thoughts of a Child. Now, when we first listened to it, I didn't remember what the title was. It's a very nondescript title. It doesn't really poke out at you. The song is fundamentally about what we presume is a father figure looking at his daughter and going, how does your crazy mind work?

Because she's acting in her own head as an actress and a performer with imaginary friends and things but he's singing it in that kind of love song croony kind of way as if he's talking to a lover which is slightly it's that cocktail lounge 70s crooner pub singing but his voice is weak

it's like that but that's too good but it's even worse now that you're mine It's like that, but that's too good. Yeah, but it's even worse. When we first listened to it, Paul, we didn't really pick up on the fact that it's called Thoughts of a Child. No, we thought it was kind of romantic. It sounds like a love song. And then at the end, he clearly says...

He pulls an M like Shyamalan. And he goes, Because you're only four. And then you go, What? Pardon? you're only four and then you go what what you're only four and it just

gives it a weird thing because he's like but the 70s had a weird habit of doing songs like that like we discussed I think with Save Your Kisses For Me

by Brotherhood Of Mad Brotherhood Of Mad yeah so the whole song is save us a kiss don't do it to anyone else save us a kiss yeah save your kisses for me

and at the end he goes you're three because you're three I was like hey so who's singing I thought it was a song about a guy going away missing his love

now come back don't slag about but it is there is a tradition in songs certain songs where they kind of well

it comes from Chuck Berry's Memphis Tennessee what we should do right now which is wait is actually play the clip. I'm going to play the clip. We haven't done that yet. Now. To raise a smile Your little dance A cheeky glance

You're just a child You're in a world of make-believe Of things you hope you can achieve You'll get your applause Take a tour of your mind Maybe you'll find The space in between Is only a dream

I can analyze The look in your eyes I'd like to unwind The thoughts in your mind You play your game So that's what it sounds like. Yeah, so this whole revealing the object of the song to be a child thing was started in Chuck Berry's Memphis, Tennessee.

Yeah. Operator, please give me... Yeah. He's calling someone and you assume it Memphis, Tennessee. Yeah. Operator, please give me... Yeah, he's calling someone, and you assume it's a lover. Yeah. But then at the end, in the last verse, he says she is only six years old, and it changes the whole complexion of the song

in a brilliant way. It changes the meaning. It has a literary quality to it. Yeah. It's really good, because you see the whole meaning of the song through a different prism, and you realise he's been estranged from his daughter. Yeah. And it's really good because you see the whole meaning of the song through a different prism and you realise

he's been estranged from his daughter yeah and it's like and it's a cool father it's very clever beautiful song plaintive

this doesn't have that kind of magic to it no because when he does the reveal at the end by saying you're only four it's like he's going by the way

in case you're listening it's definitely a four year old girl yeah yeah making it very apparent now it's just it's not great but I think Russ Abbott must have if not consciously he must have been aware

of Memphis Tennessee in the way that he does that there. Maybe I don't know. But it's strange because Brotherhood of Man do that as well so there must be other songs where they reveal the person to be a child at the end I was fucking this girl in a nightclub well you beatles read like she was only 16 or whatever isn't it yeah lots of like

sweet 16s and all that kind of you're becoming a woman songs of that 50s and 60s it's all seems neil diamond and stuff the whole uh prism of today's uh sadaka what's his name neil sadaka did a lot of those kind of cheese pop songs yeah I mean it's teenage love songs aren't they yeah

so can you imagine how did they Russ Abbott pitch that so Russ what's this song about for your B-side you know

what have you got I just don't think they cared and Russ was just like it's about this dad who's really obsessed with his daughter like he's fascinated

by just watching his daughter and he watches her play and thinks about her a lot and he's just really obsessed with his daughter. And he watches her play and thinks about her a lot. And he's just really obsessed with his daughter. I know, it does sound great. And then he was like, all right, all right, Russ. And don't worry, I tell him that she's four at the end.

And also the thoughts that he ascribes to her are kind of a bit sort of Cod- He's really obsessed with his daughter. All right, Paul, yeah. Cod- Are you going to fucking start slandering Abbott as well now? No. Is Abbott a bad person like Edmund? No, he's lovely.

Yes, so that's not slander... That's not... Don't give me that look. Musically speaking, though, what are we going to say? It's dreary. It's really bad. It's a slung that's...

It's actually not as even... Slumps. It slumps. It slouches around. It drags its feet. It doesn as even slumps it slumps it slumps it slouches around it drags its feet it doesn't even slouch slouch would be sexy

it drags its feet it's like it's badly fitting shoes it's terrible he's trying to croon he's trying to be obviously atmospheres are much better

croon and so all the cover versions on the album are actually better than that as well aren't they but I would say

that's well better produced than what turned up on the album B-side sounds like it wasn't done on a it doesn't have that really cheesy keyboard shit so yeah maybe it's just a terrible song though so out of 5 platters

I'd go for 2 platters 1.5 platter it's not interesting as a novelty song musically it's got fuck all going for it it's lost in the wilderness It's not interesting. 1.5 platter. It's not interesting as a novelty song. Musically's got fuck all going for it. It's lost in the wilderness. So what's next on the hit list? We've got a little truncated platter session today.

Only two items, Paul. Let's go straight to it. It's your favourite person. Why? Who could that be? This record is on RCA. Is it Stephen Fry? Why? Who could that be? Is it Dan Aykroyd? Is it Stephen Fry? Why? Perhaps it's Robert Downey Jr.

I just don't know. Well, he's... What? I'm going to slander him now, are you? No, I'm not going to slander anyone. I'll slander you. How about this? You're shit. You lie about stuff.

What am I lying about? Just stuff. If anything, I'm very open. Well, look, Paul. We all know that the tales from the dance floor you tried to contribute at the end where, what, some girl comes along, asks for Fleetwood Mac and then shoots the place up. It's like something out of Kingsman.

Are you eating again? Popping candy. This is Noel Edmonds introduces record year and the day they remembered The day they remembered So it's Edmonds introducing a song in a very strange way Let's just play it right now and then come back to it Hello, this is Noel Edmonds

The other side of this record is a message to you on your special day I've been asked to send it to you by someone who cares about you And I'm only too happy to do so, because special days are worth remembering. Enclosed with this record is a special days poster. It's a good idea to pin it up and use it to keep a note of other people's special days. You know, birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day, Father's Day, St Valentine's Day, and that sort of thing. That way you can be sure you don't forget any special days either. After all, it's as satisfying to post off your special day greetings as it is to receive

them. Anyway, I hope you like the record and I hope you like this too. It doesn't matter where they are Or what they need to say They can say it all In so many ways If he's far from you And he feels a little low Just to send a call And let you know

that you're the one he's missing or it's they who really care enough to let you know that they're sad cause you're not there and you're glad they remember to know

they remember today they remember Today they remember Today they remember Today they remember Today they remember Today they remember Today they remember Today they remember

It sounds like it's an advert for something. It's an advert for... Or a promotional thing. It sounds like it's Hallmark or something like that, doesn't it? Because the impression you get is, we are a business that sells cards or wants you to remember all the red-letter days of the year, like Father's Day, Mother's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings...

Is that what a red-letter day is, Paul? I think so. No. Shut up! It's not. Shut it! Red-letter day doesn't mean that. What does it mean red letter day is, Paul? I think so. No. Shut up! It's not. Shut it! Red letter day doesn't mean that. What does it mean then, smarty dick? A red letter day is like

an anomalous day, or a day... I'm going to have to look it up, because you are you are playing hard and fast with the traditions of our language. Why you do that? I'll explain that the song seems to be a promotional thing for people to buy cards from their brands. Special days or something maybe the

place is called and no ledmonds has done a hi i'm a disingenuous humanless emotionless monster and i'm saying this with no human emotion at all he's trying to sort of put little pauses he's trying to put little pauses little actively pauses like he goes you know doesn't he like you know it's little maybe conversational he sounds dead inside he doesn't want to be there but he's getting a nice big paycheck terrible cynical bit of voiceover by edmunds what was he saying he was saying stuff like this is a special message for you to say well done on remembering a thing yeah and it's special remembering day and then the song is literally about don't forget birthdays. At least you can send any kind of special day because it's so easy to fall out of touch.

Don't neglect your children. Send them cards every day or you're a bad, bad person. And you kids, fucking send some cards. Any excuse is all right. Just buy some cards. That's what it's saying, isn't it? Yeah. So what would have been the purpose for it then?

Was it one of these... Because on the B side... Promotion for cards. On the B side, you've got Cavatina by John Williams, which is... Which is just a classic, classical gas kind of guitar thing. No, it's the theme from... Well, it's also the theme from Deer Hunter. Deer Hunter.

Which is a bit weird. It's a bit incongruous. On one side you've got, remember all the happy days... Well, Deer Hunter is about the veterans coming home, so it kind of fits in with the theme, you know. So is it reminding you to remember the war veterans? Yes. Well, send them a letter or something. But it does have that kind of fits in with the theme so is it reminding you to remember the war veterans yes, we'll send them a letter or something but it does have that kind of feel to it

because it says the day they remembered but was it a big hit, that song by John Williams Cavatina was a very big hit on the sort of easy listening scene so maybe it was like a big hit outside of it being part of a film as well like people bought it and played it at weddings.

You know what I mean? Could be. It's hard to say but this is 1980 which I believe is the exact... No, Cavatina. It says 1971.

Yeah. Oh no, that was way before The Deer Hunter. Okay. It was. So there you go. They've obviously just used that as part of the theme

and the song was a success beforehand. Probably remembered quite romantically by couples. They just slapped it on the back of this advert basically. One side is Noel Edmonds giving a terrible introduction to an advert song for Cars.

It would be like getting a CD now with a bit of an intro and then the next track is Toxic by Britney Spears. Exactly. You know, it's kind of like, here's a big hit and here's something we've tossed off. Yeah. Now, I do like these kind of records, these promos, and I do have that one which is literally just sort of

a seven-inch single that acts as a flyer for a party. That was interesting. these promos and I do have that one which is literally just sort of a record 7 inch single that acts as a flyer for a party that was interesting which is from the early 2000s and it just says come to the party

that's when you play it that's nice I like things like that records that have different you know that website on YouTube the channel on YouTube I can forget the name of

but I'll put a link on our webpage that play all the bad vinyls yes and he's got those hit magazine Christmas album where basically they've managed to get five seconds of interview from Pet Shop Boys or Erasure. It's FlexiDisc. Johnny H Jazz.

Yeah, it's on FlexiDisc but it's like them saying, ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas, I'm going over there to the party. So everyone pretended they were at this one party but they were all corded months apart when they looked at Christmas. Yeah, they were all corded at sort of like some for Christmas they were all corded it's sort of like madness boing hello

glad you could make it happy Christmas welcome to the smash hits party dump your coat grab a mince pie you want pop stars they're all here

over in the left hand corner Duran Duran one two one two three, four. Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen When there slowly ran a bad, deep and crisp and even Brightly shone the, brightly shone the, brightly shone the Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel Hi, I'm Simon, and from me, Roger, John, Nick and Andy, that's Duran Duran,

we'd all like to wish you a very Merry Christmas. Well, some was enjoying themselves anyway, but who's that over there sitting down writing a letter? Hello, Santa. This is Adam. Of course it is. When you come down the chimney, be careful, because by the glass of milk there's the old bear trap. That's just a little bit of a joke.

If you get past and get the note, I'd like a train set, I'd like a bucket and spade, I'd like a bike, I'd like three quarters of a million pound, please, and a Swiss bank account, and I'd also like the tweet's greatest hit. Could be arranged. I wonder what Bananarama want. Hello, everyone.

This is Siobhan wishing you a happy Christmas. Please send me a pound. And a happy Christmas from Sarah. And please send me Al Pacino and six poodles. And this is Karen. And what I'd really love this Christmas is to sit round a table with John Denver and share a bowl of figgy pudding. Yeah, but don't eat all that trifle. Leave a little for the

fun boy three. I like all that stuff. So that, to me, is an interesting piece. I think it's called Vinyl Hell. But I will put a link on the YouTube page, on our webpage. Now, you spotted this record, this Noel Edmonds introduces the day they remembered before, and you said it was too badly

scratched to buy. Now, I think it might be the same, because is that the scratch you saw that you thought i don't know i did see it in a number of stores and i thought all of them were in bad condition but actually that one doesn't look too bad the one i saw had a definite like slash it was a gouge the whole way it just felt like a massive hard smudge across it okay that's always going to be bad now that's the thing though it's not an exact science with vinyl condition the vinyl can look terrible can look all scratched up to shit and play extremely well yeah and then a vinyl can look perfect and be very crackly all the way through you can't tell can you very crackly you

can't tell i don't know it's part of the magic of collecting vinyl yes so we've got to give a score to that it's a terrible song very annoying pointless lazy writing and just it's basically a list of like different kinds of days where you can remember to buy a card

and send it to someone so it's a passive aggressive reminder yeah wrapped up in this awful pop tune and his voiceover has that kind of passive aggressive sort of vibe to it don't be a dick and send the card someone sent you this remember

we all like to be nice don't we and you should be nice you should be nice we're going to exercise you from fucking society and we won't speak to you should be nice or else we're we're going to exercise you from fucking society and we won't speak to you I'll exercise you we'll exercise our

right to party shut up why don't you shut up Paul why don't you shut up why has it all gone aggressive again you fucking cunt I went too far

you went too far I went too far there I'm sorry let me shake you by the hand no I don't want shaky handies let me walk you towards no shake don't walk you towardsies.

I want to make it up to you. I've done you wrong. I've dropped something. Oh, Paul. It's all right. It's fine. I've got it. So, what are you going to rate that out of five?

I'd only give it one. It's very poor. The song's very annoying. Noel is very annoying. It could set off a Noel episode in you. It's lucky you shaved the beard off. I have to. Because the wear Noel might have come out

and you might have started presenting daytime TV around the house. It's nice to feel emotions again. It's nice to be genuine again. It's nice to, you know, not feel like Lloyd's bank is against you personally and you have to start a radio station up just to deal with that.

Or that you practically murdered someone through your criminal negligence. Well, that's all conjecture and we really need to make sure we to deal with that or that you practically murdered someone through your criminal negligence well that's all conjecture and we really need to make sure we say allegedly with that because you know

otherwise oh our little podcast becomes crushed under the might Noel Edmonds will start a radio station up just to attack us

that would be brilliant it would be amazing imagine how amazing that would be it would be great we should start a radio station this is it

it is it. It is. It's becoming the Noel Edmonds We Hate You show. Yeah, it is. But we don't hate him, don't we? I hate him. I wish he'd come and nuzzle my window. Noel Edmonds, nuzzle your window. It would be so great.

It would be scary because he'd have to levitate up here. It's like what? Salem's Lot? Yeah. Like with a vampire in the window. That would be scary, but this is likely he'd have a sexual frisson. That's interesting. That's a scary, but this is likely he would have a sexual frisson. That's interesting. That's a lot of complicated discussions to have.

Now, I'm still on the lookout. So, Noel, if you are listening and he samples what we say to use on his radio station as evidence against us, I genuinely believe that Noel Edmonds is a world-class nonce. And I've got evidence to prove that Noel Edmonds is the ringleader of a massive nonce ring. Paul, I evidence to prove that Noel Edmonds is the ringleader of a massive nonce ring. Paul, I don't think you should say that.

Alright, then he isn't. Okay. He's just a heartless cyborg. So there you go. Yay! Platters! Platters! So, it's the pot you've been looking forward to for a while, isn't it, Mr Silverman? I'm going to get my noodle on. We're going to go, once again, into Eli's Country Noodle Kitchen for some...

What kind of noodles are we facing today? We're looking at pot noodles, but not pot noodles. Oh! Cup noodles, for want of a better word. Not pot, but cup. Not pot, Not cup, not pot, but cup. Not pot, but cup. Not pot, but cup. Yes.

We have. Yes. The original cup noodle of all time. Oh, what's that then? Nissin. Nissin. I ain't Nissin you at all. Nissin you.

Since you've been gone. Good, good Paul. Very good. And we also have this one, Geffen, which I believe was in the Jewish food section. So I think it might be a sort of Jewish style. A kosher kind of noodle? Kosher style. Because they are into their clear chicken broth noodle soup.

Okay. All right. More brothy than just kind of stir fry they do like that and also jews especially in america seem to have a fetish for chinese food i mean don't even notice that yeah it's a big thing that's an interesting stereotype put out there they um they famously go and eat chinese food um as a sort of tradition on christmas day really yeah if you're a jewish person you listen to this and you live in america and you do that on christmas day and you want to email us no so um yeah so that's i'm hoping that might have some kind of jewish flavor i don't know what that

means but yeah no sort of you know but you'll maybe when you taste it. Yes. Right, so... And then, so we've got a Nissin one, which is tonkatsu pork flavour. Classic. And then the third... Yeah. We've got the Geffen, which is just chicken flavour. And then we have a Kabutsu. Oh.

Noodle, which is a British brand, came out very recently, and it's all a bit racist and gimmicky there. Why? Their whole... Because I'll... I mean, I'll go into more detail, but it says,

stir the noodles, samurai. Oh, I'll I mean I'll go into a bit more detail but it says stir the noodles samurai oh I think I've read this yeah like do some kung fu and eat a noodle after you meditate it's like kung fu

yeah it seems to be sort of it's what's the call cultural appropriation it's a bit cultural appropriation but also kind of mocking a stereotype

of sort of very hipstery bullshit knowing oh sort of it's trying to sort of be all sort of kung fu movie I'm an old man now and I don't like it and I think

also because they're kind of saying samurai that's Japanese and then this flavour is just like sort of it doesn't have an actual dish flavour it just says chicken with coconut and some spices and shit it's not any sort of identifiable Japanese so they're just sort of going, it's chicken with coconut and some... Spices and shit. You know, it's not any sort of identifiable Japanese. So they're just sort of going, oh, it's kind of just Eastern, isn't it?

Oh, it's like Kung Fu and like funny mustache. Anyway, we'll see how it tastes, Paul. But it is on the kind of pricey side, two pounds. Interesting. So I'm looking forward to this. Shall we go on location into the my noodle country kitchen? Yes. And prepare these pot noodles for nom times

and have a nom nom time party mouth woo woo sounds like a really dodgy website it is paul it really is so here we are now in eli's country noodle kitchen once again for a new put the kettle on when i started doing that. Very clever. Oh, fuck off. Sorry? I said fuck off. You said fuck off. Right, cool.

What am I meant to do in the noodle kitchen? How am I meant to prepare these noodles if I'm not meant to boil the water? Intro. Intro? Then we press power.

Monkey understand now? Shut up. Monkey good now. Don't stop calling me a monkey. I will fucking throw my shit at you. That was the joke. Like a monkey.

It gets its bum out. So yeah, there's a lot. It doesn't get its bum out. They don't wear trousers. It gets its bum and presents it. Present my bum. Yeah.

Anyway, so what are we dealing with today in Eli's country noodle kitchen on this special country noodle edition episode of a cheap eats within cheap show the show that you and i presume present paul we're doing looking at the words today are we sir no we're looking at some cup noodles i've got three examples of cup noodles here now i'm very excited which order are we doing them in? Let's start with the Geffen, which was in the Jewish food section.

Oh yes, you've mentioned that, yes. But it's got no MSG, which is something. Imitation chicken flavour, it says, but it's actually manufactured in Singapore. And there's been a problem with the translation. Because you look at the kettle method of doing it, it says, open cup and remove packets. Add boiling water to the fill line, okay? But one of these packets, you'll notice here, describe what you see there, Paul.

Like dry chilies and sauce? Condiments. Yes, dried vegetables. Okay. Now, that isn't going to have a chance to rehydrate if you add it at the end. You need to be adding that when you put the hot water on

and they haven't specified that which suggests to me that was a bad translation. Why do you look so happy and smug explaining that? I don't know. I like it. I like these little details about things.

Yeah. It's a bad translation so it's obviously not selling it to me. One thing that the Geffen Noodle Cup has got for it is a spork. It has a spork included, Paul.

Spork. Look at this elegant little spork. Simple. Simple, though. You know, simple enough. And then there's a spork there.

So you can eat the noodle with your spork. So I'm going to... So all in one. Now, how much did that cost that was um i think that was the cheapest that was about 75 and that's not too bad because you get two different packets and a spork and a spork yes now look at this this is a thing an absolute beauty now moving on to our second item it is cup noodles which is the original

brand of these type of foods paul by the company and in fact they are very proud of their heritage over don't get angry at me about it they are very proud of their heritage look at this beautifully presented noodle paul i think you'll agree look at the little drawings they've got all of these things you've got a robot you've got some bullet trains you've got a sort of samurai monster thing like out of Brazil. All the Westerners think Japan is like this and full of all these things. You've got a pig taking a shit. He's taking a piggyback off someone.

A piggyback from a samurai. There's a bus there. There's a sumo wrestler and a sort of beautiful geisha woman and a teapot. But it is quite nicely presented. Nice colour scheme. There's a little cat up there waving it's almost like uh it's almost as if a bunch of westerners sat down and how do we sell this uh you know based on what they think of the japanese so let's put everything they think japan is sort of japanese style to it as well it doesn't we'll be moving on to the kabuto which is

a which is what i think you're looking at more a This is an actual Japanese company, of course, Nissan. And they are very proud. So I like that. And also look at this textured pot it's got. Feel the dimples on the textured pot. Now, have you come across something like that before? I don't know. Have you come across something like that before?

No, no, no. Listen, we will not have spunk talk in the fucking country kitchen of noodles, okay? Okay. You potty mouth bastard. Move. All right. Move your priorities. Check your noodles, okay? Okay. You potty mouth bastard, move. All right. Move your priorities, check your privilege, yeah?

Okay? I've been told. There's a lovely texture on that, and I really like the artwork. And it has New Cup Noodles Originator's story on the side. They really know. They know that they are the original, and they tell you the story here. Shall I read this out to you, Paul? Please do. Peace will come

to the world when there is enough food. That's a quote from Momofuku Ando, the founder of Nissan Foods and I should say the inventor of the instant noodle. Momofuku Ando, founder of Nissan Foods, had a dream. Is this long, by the way?

No. You ready? Yeah. Fucking hell. You've taken a shit. Okay, do you have to hustle me in my own fucking noodle kitchen? Do I hustle you to drink dog beer, you cunt? Momofuku Ando, founder of Nissan Foods, had a dream.

Not one of your best moments on the show, I'll be honest with you. If only we could create ramen that could be quickly prepared with just hot water and eaten at home. So how was it done beforehand? Why was it such a long process? Because you have to put the flour together, cut the noodles,

dry them out. And also, they're similar to pasta. They would have taken at least 10 minutes to cook. So this is basically like very, very early convenience food. It's the earliest. And I think he was involved as well with the development of MSG, which is less popular,

which is more controversial. But from a small shed built behind his house, Ando invented the world's first instant noodles in 1958. And in 71, the first pot type cup noodles. Like I said, this is the first of these. The dried noodles and ingredients miraculously

rehydrate to a tasty, warm and hearty meal. Enjoy Nissen's cup noodles as a meal, snack or even on the go, Paul. You can even have this on the go because you've got this. On the train? I can easily imagine having that if I had a flask full of hot water

and maybe I poured the hot flask water into the cup noodle on my train seat. Well, you could just put it and then you could walk out the door, put it in your coffee holder in your car, couldn't you? I think that's what you said. That is also true, yes.

I could put it in a thermos. A thermos. But I have to say, as a lover of noodles and instant noodles paul that is really pushing my buttons i love that yeah i love that product now less so is our third today this is kabuto rice noodles now the whole symbol is sort of samurai-esque. It's a samurai. A kind of cartoony. A cartoony samurai. A bit like the way that Kung Fu Panda is sort of...

Yes. So it's got this ingenuineness already, doesn't it? It's kind of an emoji feel. Yeah. But do you know, when you look back at the cup noodles, the Nissan, that actually has a sort of, I don't know... It conjures things. It has an almost otaku sort of... Yeah. You know what I mean? Vibe to it. The sort of ner I don't know. It conjures things. It has an almost otaku sort of

you know what I mean? Vibe to it. Sort of nerdy Japanese. It captures something of that kind of culture. Whereas this is just sort of a cartoon version that's obviously it's just, I don't like the design. It's a bit plain. And look at this. Talk about wanky, terrible fucking copy on the side of cute

products. You know, like innocent drinks and shit. Listen to this. Listen to what they say. I'm listening. Oh, am I listening? Well, they say, first, kabuto noodles are a delicious combination of authentic Asian flavours. Where? What? All Asian flavours? Cunts. And quality ingredients prepared with the

skill, dedication and discipline of a samurai warrior. Fuck off. Do you know what I mean? I get it. Samurai warrior was a fucking like this whole class of people in in ancient japan what has it got to do with noodles

what i think happened is that when they were writing the copy in the back of this they had a checklist of all the words that they associate with japan and asian culture on a wall and you

had to tick them all off she's like oh how do i get warrior in oh they're kind of precise aren't these so let's let's do that it gets worse believe me how

then it has a quote if you are far from the noodle make him believe you are near who's that from it's like men of be cod Confucius isn't it sort of like

or zen master confusing more like step one remove lid and fill the ridge inside the pot with boiling water replace lid loosely yeah confusing

wasn't a good gag wait three to four minutes opportunity to meditate or practice your karate oh you see you know yeah fucking ladling it on you cunts fuck off i just want a noodle i don't be reminded of your fucking frankly sort of racist stereotyping of the whole of asia i know do you know i know step two still well leave one minute then enjoy noodles or soup straight from the pot or poured into a bowl if no bowl available and see it's doing that thing

where they miss out the words to sound more like Chinesey yeah if no bowl available yeah if no bowl available try upside down helmet meaning the samurai helmet

from the but you know what I mean yeah you know it's not remember to stir well samurai for true goodness lies beneath I hate your campaign Kabuto

I don't like it's tone and I think I'm going to hate your campaign, Kabuto. I don't like its tone. And I think I'm going to hate your noodle as well. Have you had it before? No. That's why I was keen to try these because they have been rolled out nationally. Yeah. Now, I've actually had those.

And what did you think? Can I reserve until you've said? Okay. Well, let's get preparing. I mean, the answer's they're shit. All three of these have a different preparation method, but again, the cup noodles has a classic, and I love it because they've even built into the design

the line where you are meant to peel the lid halfway back, and then you reattach to let it cook. So shall we get that kettle on now? Let's get the kettle going, Paul. Okay, the kettle has now boiled. Kettle's boiled, and I'm going to first administer the water to the Geffen noodle soup. Now you'll see, the Geffen noodle soup has a very high fill line there. Because they're very soupy.

I think it's going to be the most soupy of the three. So I'm going to fill that. It looks soupy on the, er, box. Well, cup. Bowl. Look how high. Look at how much. I'm going all the way up to the lid there now and you'll notice in contrast our fucking beautiful nissan tonkotsu the fill line's

almost below the actual material in there you can see so that's going to be i think a thicker more satisfying i'm filling to the line there and no vegetable pack separate there. It's all been built in, and I'm closing the lid. And then we go into the kabuto, which I have to say, it looks kind of impressive. We've got the rice noodles, good curry sort of smell. What kind of noodle is that? It looks different. It's a flat rice noodle, yeah. So it's not a ramen-style noodle like the other two.

It's a flat rice noodle, kabuto I have going for them. But again, it just seems like a hodgepodge of different Asian ideas. Let me just check what it says because it put me off with their stupid smarmy meditate and do karate. A rice dish noodle with chicken, coconut, chilli and lime.

Yes, but I'm just looking at how to prepare it. Phil, it just says Phil. Phil to Ridge. And again, this has a very high one. Doesn't it? Look, it's all the way up there. So this is going to be very soupy as well. And I'm just loosely, as it says,

putting the lid back on. Now we have to wait, Paul. How long do we wait? How long? Well, for this one, the geffen. The geffen is two minutes and then we stir well

and wait another two minutes. That's going to be the longest. The cartoon characters, who are like dancing girls on the side of the nissen pot, are saying, close the lid, wait three minutes, and then you stir and then you're done. So we just, that's...

Okay. And then the kabuto, if we can get past the cutesy, fucking, stupid, racist language, you have to wait three or four minutes then stir well and leave for a minute you see so four minutes three minutes four minutes basically what you want to do in four minutes um i'll mention that other noodle oh yeah okay that's a great idea okay this i picked up today maggie now magg Maggie now Maggie a Swiss conglomerate and they do aromatic flavor liquid which seems to be big in that part of the

world in doh China and stuff it's just pure umami sauce sauce but it's pure umami sauce so that's what I knew them for and I known their noodles as well they did but you don't see them very often. And this is a classic chow mein. And you can see it's a stir-fried style noodle. And you can see they are actually making a sort of feature of my three-pack rule because it says contains noodles plus veggies, spices, and sunflower oil. Nice. It's got the three-pack. You know you're good.

Do you know what I mean? See the voice I'm doing? Does it sound like I'm enthusiastic About what's going on right now? All I need to know Alright good So that is Because I'm not enthusiastic

About this section Paul This is a Maggie Fusian It's very little comedy though In this section Where it's just you Talking about your noodles That you like

And then I get to watch you Eat like a pig As you slurp noodles You're going to taste these noodles This is cheap eats We're both going to taste these Alright Last time we did this You ended up scoffing The whole thing So that was to watch you eat like a pig as you slurp noodles into your... You're going to taste these noodles? This is cheap eats. We're both going to taste these. All right.

We did this. You ended up scoffing the whole thing. It was nice. Yeah. Right. That was good. It's just a bit dry. Do you need any jokes

to pad it up? No. Any jokes? Do a bit of stand-up. I'm not doing a bit of my stand-up. You know what they say about life, don't you?

What do they say about life, Paul? Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Oh, God. Oh. Well, my life, don't you? What do they say about life, Paul? Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Oh, God. Well, my life. Don't do my material. My life. Drugs. Drugs.

Maybe have a wank. That was good. It worked. It worked at the time, Paul. And you're just a dick. Right. So that smoking ban, the smoking ban that came in recently,

a week ago, a couple of years, when the smoking ban came in, they were going out for a little smirk, weren't they? A little thing that came up. You can't even remember it well enough to do it. Well, you go outside and you have a smoke and a smirk. I just wonder when the smissing started.

I'm going to go and stab you with a fork in the eye. I'll be glad when you've gone back to Canebro, my friend. Oh, that's not nice. Cold, cold Canebro. Yeah, here's a fork for you. Freshly laundered this fork for you. So, what, you got a chew list, have you? With all the chew names on. Is that what you got? Is that how you got a two list have you with all the two names on

is that what you got is that what you got a fucking two joke which admittedly is something you say to a prospective employer heyo

poor bat reveal ladies and gentlemen that was a what I dropped that bit for what because it wasn't working if you want to see

Eli's stand up I think it's on YouTube it's a fucking story you don't even have anything I can't even remember your stand up that's why you. What was your stand-up? It's a fucking story. You didn't even have anything. I can't even remember your stand-up. That's why you know, it was important. You were shit.

You started this. The thing is, I know I was shit. You think you were good. Can we get back to the job at hand, please, here? I wouldn't mind having a job at my hand right now. Look, what do you think of the look of the geffin? Very soupy, very brothy.

It's a very brothy noodle. It's the thing that's going to be the worst. It's going to be standard, I think. It's the cheapest. How long has it been? Hang on. Eight, nine, ten, eleven. We've got one more minute.

For what? For all of it. So that's been three minutes? Yeah. Okay, so this is ready to go. Give it a stir. Oh, look at that quality on the Nissin. Why is it better?

You can see all the vegetables have rehydrated. The noodles are finer. It's a fine noodle. Have you added the bits and bobs to the other cup yet, the first one? Yep. You've added the oil and you've added the chili. No, no, there's no oil in any of these. You're thinking of this. Oh, what were those two packages?

Chilies and what was in that one? Dust. Only one of these three has actual packets and they had the dust and the dehydrated vegetables which they erroneously told you to put on at the end

when they wouldn't rehydrate. But that's all in now anyway. It's all in. I've done it correctly. Now for the cabuto. Looks like toilet water. It fucking does.

But what do you think of the rice noodle? Again. Fine. Now that's meant to stand for another minute oh giving that a good stir let's stand for another minute so let's go i mean my toaster hates me that was an obscure one well uh so we're going to go straight in is that one ready now the geffen noodle soup is now ready i mean it says noodle soup yeah i'm just going to go straight in Is that one ready now? The Geffen noodle soup is now ready

I mean it says noodle soup Yeah I'm going to taste a bit of the broth Gross What do you think of the broth? I like it In what way? It's very salty

I'm such a child Now for the noodle I'll taste the noodle Spit on me It's very nice Very plain I'm such a child. Now for the noodle. I'll taste the noodle. Spit on me. It's very nice. Very plain. Very standard.

Can I try? Go ahead. What's your broth saying? Broth's fine. It's nice, kind of simple, chickeny. Yeah, it's normal. It's comforting. Yeah, it's not unpleasant, is it?

Now you've got the noodles there. Now, in real life, you'd want to pimp that, wouldn't you, really? In real life, you'd pimp the fuck out of that. As it stands, it's a good base noodle. It's fine. It doesn't have much, but yeah, it'd be fine. But it's very simple. Now, moving on to the Nishin Tonkotsu, which is pork.

Are you going to rate that now or at the end? I'll rate it at the end. Which has got a lot more going on. The broth is a lot thicker. There's got a much more... It's actually got bits of rehydrated pork in there. Can you believe that? I'm just going to... It says pork taste.

It actually has a pork taste. That's good. I'm just going to have some broth. I'm impressed. I have to say. Really? Yes, because it's like tonkotsu is a sort of thick pork broth. Very almost gelatinous. That's it. And they've gone for that and they've kind of replicated it quite well there.

Not as thick, but you've got the same mouthfeel. A real mouthfeel. And I'm going to go in and have some of these noodles. I mean, I'm having a bit of an umami barmy. All those lovely sounds in people's ears right now of you going... Char nice pork needle hmm look you've got little bits of authentic dried mushroom seaweedy bits spring onions you know you can define what you know it's just a whole different

league from the geffin isn't it i mean yeah pepper and i can actually it's more ambitious i can taste the individual aspects like you can taste the individual aspects. Like, I can taste the pork bits. I can taste pepper. That actually tasted of pepper. There's little bits of cabbage. That is really... It's the high art of the dehydrated vegetable.

Is that mushroom? That's a mushroom bit. Can I have a go now? Yeah. Oh, man. Tell me I'm wrong. No, I'm good. Tell me I'm wrong about it.

Mouthfeel? Mouthfeel good. Yeah, you know what I mean'm wrong. No, hang on. Tell me I'm wrong about it. Mouthfeel? Mouthfeel good. Yeah, you know what I mean? What are you thinking? Nice. Very nice, isn't it? I'll tell you why I like it. Why?

It's similar to what you said. You wrap a load around your spoon, or your spork, or your fork. Or whatever. You take a mouthful, and in that mouthful you're going to get a random selection of things. You're going to get a bit of the pork, a bit of chili a bit of cabbage next bite a bit more the juice maybe you can actually distinctly taste them which is rare for like processed food isn't it do you see what i mean it's got a nice rainbow of flavors you can actually taste the individual and dehydrated meat is just something strange but it's all right isn't it yeah it is definitely glutinous it's definitely

porky and it's satisfying it's very nice that I'm very impressed with that. How much was this one again? Two pounds. And the expensive one? They're both at the same price point, these tonkotsu, these real Japanese ones, and these kabuto, which I'm calling bullshit, but let's just see. I'm going to just have another scoop, one last time of these, if you don't mind. Yeah, help yourself. You know, and then we'll move on.

You've got to give him head. Okay. That's nice. That's good noodle. I think that's... We've got our winner. I'm pretty sure. But wait.

Unless the kabutu knocks it out of the park. I don't like their marketing. I don't like their presentation. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So, this has a lot to prove.

Let's have the broth. What? Again, yes, it's to prove. Let's have the broth. What? Again, yes, it's sort of like a generic sort of coconut curry sort of flavour, but it doesn't have a lot of bite. It's very watery with just the tang of the chilli. Yeah. There's no flavour, it's just tang. Do you know what I mean?

It seems to be a flavour, then it just loses it. A little bit of coconut? Yeah. A little bit? It's not terrible. And now I'm just going to know what I mean? It seems to be a flavour, then it just loses it. A little bit of coconut? Yeah. A little bit? It's not terrible. And now I'm just going to taste, I mean, see if I can get any of the chicken bits here. I'm going to taste the noodle. Yeah, I've got a bit of chicken. It's got cubes of chicken in a similar way to the Nissin has cubes of pork dehydrated.

And it's not sticking to the fork very well. Well, it's a slimy rice noodle. It's just underpowered. It just doesn't have a lot of flavour. But I'm thinking if you keep eating spoon by spoon of that, that heat's going to build up in your mouth. Yeah, it's not terrible. I'm not a huge fan of these noodles because they're just too impractical to play with in terms of food. Yeah, they're really hard to get under the fork, aren't they? What are you thinking then on the Kabuto? Vat. Watery.

It's too watery, isn't it? Hard to manage on the fork. Maybe with chopsticks that might be easier, but you're making a lot of mess with that. You don't know how to get the chopsticks out, are you? And it's just heat. There's a subtle amount of coconut. There's a subtle amount of other flavours, but the heat overwhelms it.

And I think if you just keep scooping mouth after mouth, all you're going to be left with is hot, wet and a spicy mouth if I had both these in my kitchen the cup noodles and the kabuto this would be the unwanted stepdaughter here that's the one you'd palm off to a visiting flatmate or a visiting yes relative tree yes the queen perhaps perhaps the queen wants a daughter maybe um and the tonkotsu would be my favoured son. I mean, that's just an outstanding cup noodle. So are you going to rate these out of 10? Let's rate them.

Out of 10. So we can start with the geffen. I think that's nice. I kind of like that simple style, I have to say. Simple. Nice and easy. You can pimp it and maybe make it your own. It's just a standard.

Again, it is a kind of Jewish style, I believe. Comfort soup. It's a sort of comforting chicken noodle. Fine with that. Fine fine and I'll give it a seven seven for me as well moving on to the star of the show

it's the pork tonkatsu cup noodles Nissin with the originator's story and the fucking funky as fuck design and the special

textured I like it textured foam approach I'm going to give that a nine that's a wow I'm going to give that a 9 that's a wow

I'm going to give it a 9 as well I can't disagree with you Kabuto yeah I mean I'd be generous if I'd go 6 I mean it's not

or 5 for me edible but it's just too much effort it's nothing and to go through all that shit with the fucking you know oh it's Thai

it says Thai green chicken curry that's the flavour that's poor it's not good and Thai you don't it needs more chicken, oh, it's Thai. It says Thai green chicken curry. That's the flavour. That's poor. It's not good. And Thai, you don't... It needs more chicken, I think. Also, it's an...

Like, tonkotsu is an actual noodle dish. Yeah. This is a chicken curry sort of transmogrified into a noodle. Is it a hybrid thing? Yeah, it's...

Yeah. It's gluten-free, though, with 299 calories. An actual chicken curry, green chicken curry yeah green chicken curry you wouldn't have with rice noodles

with soup would you you'd have it as a chicken curry yeah but do you see what I mean so they've just sort of it's a mishmash

that doesn't really work for me and I don't like their marketing and you know it's exactly as good as I thought it would be really you look so smug again so

yes actually yes actually be generous six I was saying five good as I thought it would be, really. You look so smug again. So, yes, actually, yes, actually. So six, be generous. Six, six. I was saying five. Okay, Paul. So, an interesting journey into Eli's Country Kitchen once again. Where do we go from here? Well, like I say, we're going to

be testing these new Fusian Maggi, classic chow mein ones, that make a big deal of the three sachet rule, and I've been getting into broad, flat noodles, chilli, oil flavour, hot and sour, which is a whole world out there of noodles. They're like that wide. They're about an inch wide.

And we have the ice type to use as well. Yeah, we've got all sorts of noodles in there. I forgot we had the ice. Yes. And I do want to taste these ones. Oh, have you seen this? We've got the fish-flavoured

chewy quick-serve macaroni. That's fascinating. It's macaroni, Paul, but in the style of an instant noodle. Have you seen this? No, never. That's next.

Mate, we've got another country kitchen coming up then. And also we have the rice sticks. They're called Ichiban. Here they are. These aren't even... These aren't similar.

Thank God. Similar to noodles. But they are called Bihon. Corn starch sticks. So it looks like a noodle. But it's not. With chicha crunch. So then they've got a crunch.

They've got a sort of al dente, I think. So I'm interested to see that as well. Three novel noodles next time. Exactly. Good alliter've got a crunch. They've got a sort of al dente, I think. So I'm interested to see that as well. Three novel noodles next time. Exactly. Good alliteration. Thank you. So you're obviously going to finish off the tonkotsu. I might have the geffen if that's alright. If you want it, you can have it. Well, thank you.

Once again, you've won me over in your country noodle kitchen. I come in unimpressed and fighting back and by the end, why, we're as close as brothers. Alright, yeah. So, it's back to us now in the studio to wrap this show up. Thank you very much. And that is another cheap show

for another day. Ah, me cheap show done. Do you like that, Cary? I actually do, even though it's bordering on racist. It's not bordering on, nothing's bordering on nothing. So it's just racist then?

No, it's not racist. What was it? It was a caveman. It was a caveman. Racist against cavemen. I'll say cheap show over. Paul's sad. I'll sit on rock, go up bum.

I'll have tum tum time. Paul wants to go another cave now. Paul think Igg massive knob Ugg have massive knob That true Paul not like Ugg no more Paul can fuck off And get a proper caveman name

That's snobbish Ugg say fuck you Paul says fuck you too So thanks for supporting this Absolute piffle and nonsense this gold this comedy gold that is

the economy comedy podcast the economy comedy podcast cheap show with me Paul Gannon and I'm also here and I'm Eli Silverman excellent if you want to help on Patreon

we'd love that no matter how little you give or how much you give it's all beautifully received and if you don't if you can't because a lot of people say oh I wish I could don't worry about it don't worry about it no matter how little you give or how much you give, it's all beautifully received. And if you don't, if you can't, because a lot of people say,

oh, I wish I could. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Just listen and share. That's all you've got to worry about. If you're on iTunes, rate and review. You don't even have to do that.

You can just listen privately and never mention it to anyone. Well, you could also do that as well. Enjoy that. To make it your own private thing. You could do that. You could do that. We still appreciate that. We still love it.

We'd love someone who just downloaded it, didn't even listen to it. Just put it in a file somewhere. Just download it. And then a year later. They go, what's this shit? And then they delete it. Delete it to save space.

Still helps us. Yeah, we get the last laugh. I don't even care. No. Just ignore us. We're still grateful to you. Yeah, just ignore us. Paul, do you want to sigh a bit more?

And disparage what I'm doing a bit more? Yeah, I will. You fucking old twat. You're going to be old before me. You're going to be old. It's patreon.com forward slash cheap show if you want to go there and help us out. If you do, that's great.

If you don't, that's also just as fine. What else? Yes, we have a Reddit page. Reddit. If you don't, that's also just as fine. What else? Yes, we have a Reddit page. Reddit.com forward slash, oh, forward slash Cheap Show. Get involved in the chat, Paul. And don't forget, Paul. Yeah. If you are interested in the noodle side of things, and who wouldn't be?

My good friend Mark Allen is starting to post his very accurate and... I'll be obviously banning that thread when it turns up no you will not be banning that thread I have access do not be boring why would you do that because I'm not losing control I told you I had that dream about Mark about Mark me coming into a cheap show

recording one day and Mark sitting in my spot and you and him doing cheap shit and I was like what's all this Mark's like I took cheap show off you with him doing Cheap Show and I was like, what's all this? Mark's like, I took Cheap Show off you. And then it wins awards and then gets famous. That's your paranoid subconscious. All he's done is write some noodle reviews which will be appearing on the Reddit, the Cheap Show Reddit.

I think in that dream I kissed Mark. Why did you kiss him if he'd stolen your show? To make up. Right, you've got a diseased subconscious I have a creative fluorescent mind

of neon magical moments it's the fluorescent mind on Cheap Show you can find us on Twitter we've got a

Facebook page as well at the Cheap Show pod I am at Paul Gallon's show Eli is

Eli Snoid E-L-I-N-S S-N-O-I-D so that's a thing. Fuck off. No. You say something. My name is Eli.

And I sound like that. So I win that one as well. Noodle reviews on Reddit. Mark Allen's noodle reviews. Right. Well, that's exciting. And that's about it, really. Thank you very much for supporting us.

Facebook, Twitter. Also on Instagram. There you go. Are we on Instagram? Yeah. I've just changed my account to make it a cheap show. Can I have access to that? No.

Why not? You go to your brutalism one. We'll talk about that in an episode one day. Your brutalism. Anyway, let's just say goodbye. I'm bored now. You're always bored.

Bored. How can you be doing the podcast and find it boring? You find me. has to go plop plops. Oh, you're bored. I see. That's code, is it?

You need a shit. You should have taken a shit in the break before... Listen, you never planned for any kind of bowel movement. No, and I didn't plan on this one. Go and take a shit. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, everyone. I'm out.