CheapShow - Ep 71: "Death to Don't Get Mad!"

Episode Date: April 11, 2018

This HAS to be the last time we do this, right? It can't still be popular? It's just two guys having mental meltdowns! However, you demanded it and so here it is. It's back... The dreaded "Don't Get Mad" game returns in all its horrific glory and we are pretty sure this is the final one. Possibly. Before all that though, why not take in the lovely sounds of Paul & Eli discussing all things tat and terrific! In episode 71, Paul gets all musical, Eli gives you some top tips on how to approach him if you ever see him DJing and Paul tells a tale of stumbling into a crime scene! There is also a new Cheap Eats that's been sourced from Eli's recent trip to America. It involves something Paul thinks is rancid nastiness and Eli thinks is proper tasty. Oh those CheapShow Chaps! So get ready, strap in and hold tight... this one gets ugly! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

clean up all your lung butter oh yeah i see paul's already started the preamble which he's oh i've sneaked it in you wanker i've sneaked it in so uh do you want to do an intro then god it's such a chore why is it a chore to introduce the show could you do this and i know you're going to be keeping this. And so my intro has no validity. All right. I'll promise you right now, I'll edit all this out and I'll just leave the intro. I literally do not believe you.

Yeah, I will. I promise. All right. I promise. Edit point. I'm going to say, fuck a child, cunt. So you have to. You can't.

I can't do that. Well, no. Don't put that in. I might do. Oh, you fuck. Isn't that the danger of working together with me? I didn't mean that, everybody. I just said it as a tactic to stop Paul from using this bit.

Yeah? Anyway, do your intro, you big fucking cunt. Go on. Get the insults out on early. Come on. Hello there, everybody. Here I am. I'm Eli Silverman And this is another lovely episode of Cheap Show

You're about to enjoy It's Cheap Show And it's Paul Gannon Hit the credits I hate you And your fucking noodle posse People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Tales from the Dance Floor How's the big guy?

The Price of Sight Listen to a gun and say hello Eli Silver Welcome to Geek Show I go and I nuzzle I go and I nuzzle, I nuzzle, I nuzzle I love that bit Honestly, take the bit out of that when I said that

When you said what? I said fuck a child cunt So do we take that bit out as well now? But now it's going to be hard Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show I am Paul Gannon, your host and Bon Vivre And with me, as always, is my co-host, a guest on the show today. Yeah, he's doing it on cinema. What a hot cunt.

Alright, I did that. I thought it'd be funny. It's not funny if people don't know the quite obscure web show that you're obsessed with. I'm not obsessed with it. I mean, you're obsessed with it. We watched it together. We watched it together last night, didn't we, on cinema, you and me? Yes, we did. Holding hands. So, Paul, what episode is this, then? This is episode 71.

But numbers don't matter. They don't matter because you jiggled them right hard. I wanted to... 69 to be the sex one. I know. I know. But I thought it was very funny of me. That's why I did it.

Are there any other numbers that are associated? Yeah, there's loads. There's like a million. There's 4,562. There's like a million other numbers. There's more than a million. There's an infinite amount of numbers. Thank you.

At least you got something right. Oh, kitty cat meow. What I was going to say before I so rudely interrupted was, are there any other numbers? Yeah, there's loads of other numbers. It's just not amusing. Just not amusing. It is.

Can I speak? Yes. Are you going to let me get to the end of that sentence? I'm going to let you get to the end of this sentence. Go on. Or I might. That's the game you've got to play when you're playing Paul Gannonannon's cheap show i'm gonna

phrase it differently all right you know 69 is symbolic of a sexual position uh double cunnilingus yes you know i've never heard it called that before and it's not double cunnilingus only if it's two ladies oh that's a good point well that. Well, that would be still a 69, would it not? Yes, it would. It would. And it's a more pure version. It's a more innocent version, isn't it? I don't know.

It's more real. Anyway, you know that? Yeah. Are there any other combinations of numbers that represent sexual things? 11. What's that? When two people lie next side by side and don't touch each other. That's one.

What about 19? Is that when I lick someone's ear? Right. That's when someone is in the bed and the person next to them is trying to... Go to sleep. Go to sleep. And they're all fetal. 17.

When I've got a huge knob coming out of my head. Right. That doesn't work at all, does it really? It doesn't really work. You could try 88. Two fat ladies. Clickety-click. Hang on, this is bingo we're doing now.

All right, so what have we got? You failed there. What do you mean I failed? You failed to come up with anything. Did you come up with one? Yeah, 17. Big knob coming out of my head. It doesn't count.

It doesn't count at all. 17 is that particular sexual position where you're lying in bed with a lollipop stick and you've got a big knob coming out your head. All right, yes. My favourite sexual position is one. It's the loneliest number. One is the loneliest number that there'll ever be.

Who sang that? Was that Andrew Gold? No. No, you've got this little obsession with Andrew Gold. I have. I've been listening to a lot of Andrew Gold lately. It is very good. Oh, What a Lonely Boy is a classic pop.

Obviously, Thank You for Being a Friend. Yes. It's actually a great song when you hear his version, the full original version. Have you seen... That's the Golden Girls, Thank You for Being a Friend. It was used by the Golden Girls, but it was remade. Have you seen that YouTube clip of that black gentleman,

black American gentleman. He seems to be homosexual. The delicate dance you're doing on this sentence. The black gentleman. But he's... Is he African American?

Yes, African American. And he's singing that song. He's doing his own little version like on his webcam. Thank you for being a friend. But then he goes, started from the bottom

getting back to the top he's doing all these little hip hoppy things I'll show you it's hilarious well we'll put a link to that on our website page as well

started from the bottom now I'm back to the top oh whoa he's like oh whoa when you do that it's really disturbing when I see you

getting into the groove whoa you look like if Michael Botton had meth problems you do I think Michael Michael Bolton had meth problems. You do. I think Michael Bolton did have meth problems.

Did he? Well. How could we be lovers if we're getting friends? Oh, God. Take it easy. How could we start over when the fighting never ends?

That does not sound like him. It does. It's too deep. You know the thing about Andrew Gold, I didn't know until recently, he was in Wax. You know the band Wax from the 80s? I do not. Building a bridge to your heart.

Okay. That was him as well, apparently. He was in that, okay. I didn't know. I think he's done quite well for himself in the music industry. Apart from dying in the early 80s. Oh, he died in the early 80s. I think he did, or certainly he died. I couldn't tell you when exactly, but I think it in the early 80s. Oh, he died in the early 80s? I think he did, or certainly he died.

I couldn't tell you when exactly, but I think it's the early 80s. Okay, so, but what, in terms of non-theme tune songs, just pop songs, you've got Oh, What a Lonely Boy.

Oh, what a lonely boy. That, I think, is my favourite. Yeah. And what else? Has he had any other hits? He has, though. You know what he did do?

Spooky, scary skeletons. Oh, he did that as well? He did that as well. He's your... It's part of the kind of thing. I've done this in a while. Oh, fuck off. Okay, Google.

Andrew Gold, discography. Used a big word there, didn't it? The words by Andrew Gold include What's Wrong With This Picture, Halloween Howls, Fun and Scary Music, and 23 others. A bit quiet.

Wow, he had loads of albums. Forget it. All right, no. Just forget it. No, no, no, no, no. So let's have a look at what... You shouldn't have said discography. You should have said singles.

What's wrong with this picture? It's the second album by singer-songwriter... We don't want to hear about his albums. They're full of filler. All right, okay. Okay, Google. Andrew Gold, singles. Happy?

Oh, he put happy down as well now. You're such a... Thank you for being a friend. Never let it slip away. That was a pop record, wasn't it? I met him on a morning in a duty a whole long distance. You know, when I first heard of that song,

it wasn't through Andrew Gold. It was Vic and Bob doing it on Smell of Reason Mortimer Series 2, I believe. Doing their cabaret version. Doing a kind of a jumpy up and down, bouncy, cheesy version. But didn't they refer to that Doing their cabaret version. Doing a kind of a jumpy up and down, bouncy, cheesy version. But didn't they have a, didn't they refer to that as their cabaret style? In the

cabaret style? No, it was part of Smell Of, so they hadn't yet formulated the shooting stars persona of the pub singer. I see. Okay, good. But anyway, he's done a few songs, Andrew Gold. What the fuck is this show about? I don't know, man. I've lost my bearings. Right, so, on today's show, we're

doing Tales from the Dance Floor, coming up right new. Okay. And then after that, we have a very special Cheap Eats, because you've brought back things from America, I believe. I've been in the States. We'll save the information for when we get there, mate. And then we're ending this. It's like being micromanaged in a shit phone job working with you, you know that? Well, you'd fucking know, wouldn't you, being micromanaged in a shit phone job working with you. Well, you'd fucking know, wouldn't you? Being micromanaged in a shit phone job. Yes, I would, Paul. Like, lots of other people who strive and have to struggle

and aren't, you know... Oh, I'm a lonely boy. That's it. Me and my dad bonded over that. Did you? That song, yeah. The lyric is great. It's one of those story songs where it's about

a kid growing up and then being a lonely boy it's like a whole life story yeah I like songs like that story songs also you don't

and this is a kind of serious thing to say but you don't often get you don't often get that kind of vulnerable masculinity no portrayed in a song

you know he's lonely you know and that's something you don't really but he gets married in the song. Oh, what a lonely boy. He's lonely, you know. Yeah, he is. And that's something you don't really... But he gets married in the song, has a kid and... He's still lonely though, isn't he?

And the kid's lonely. It's a damning indictment. Some people say it's the song about Andrew Gold himself but apparently he has said categorically it's not. Because he...

He had tons of friends and, I don't know, a big family. Okay. And obviously he had loads of friends. Otherwise, why would he have written the song Thank You For Being A Friend? Well, that suggests that he was a bit needy for friends. No, it's not.

He's being nice. Thank you for being a friend. If it's a car you like, I would gladly buy you a Cadillac. You do cheers. Let me finish the lyric. Always talk over me. All right, go on.

Boring. If it's a car you like, I would gladly buy you a Cadillac. That's what he says in the Thank You For Being A Friend song. Where he's splashing his money around. He is. That's not a very nice thing for a friend to do. He's spending...

I just whopped out a huge wad here and went, I'm going to... Let me buy you... I'll buy you a fancy car. Yeah, I'd like that. You'd like that? Yeah. You wouldn't think I was just sort of being like...

No, I'd like a car. Billy Big Bollock Potatoes. Billy Big Bollock Potatoes. Billy Big Bollock Potatoes. No, I'd be like, thanks for the car. Would you? Yes. Would you drive it around? Yeah.

And then I'd sing, Get out, what a mad dream, it's the Paul Gannon Singing Show, ladies and gentlemen, today. All the hits. Okay, and he died quite suddenly of a heart attack or something. No, I think it was cancer.

Oh, that's bad. So... That's fine, we'll move quickly on. Yeah, it think it was cancer. Oh, that's bad. So... I'll move it quickly on. Yeah, it is. He always struck me, though. Did he? What a mean man if he beat you like that.

That is really fucking annoying. What, the dad jokes? Yeah. Okay. They interrupt someone in mid-sentence to pervert the meaning of what they're going to say.

If you can't speak fast enough and eloquent enough to get your meaning out... We're going to have an eloquent off, are we? Yes, we are. We're going to have an eloquent off, are we? Yes, we are. Lisping fucking twat. How rude! Anyway, what I was trying to say is

Oh, you don't know. Yes, I do. Fuck me! He's the pause master, isn't he? The pause master. Any little gap, any dead air, Paul will come up with a shit joke from the 80s. Right.

He's a lesser Billy Joel. That's all I had to say. He's a lesser Billy Joel. He's a bit of a lesser Billy Joel. You know what? You're probably right in terms of output. Billy Joel, it's a similar song. You can name more songs.

It's a piano singer-songwriter. A little bit. You know. But ultimately, Billy Joel just lived longer and produced more songs. And that you remember. We didn't start a fire. Why does everyone go for that one?

Because I was going to do, you know. Sing me a song, oh piano man. I'm the piano man. I'm a drinking man and a drinking piano. There's a man sitting over there. He's sad. That's the lyrics, isn't it? This is the end of the show.

Uptown girl, she was living in an uptown world. What's the other one he did as well? Tell her about it. Tell her all your crazy dreams. Yeah, love, I once had this dream about you suffocating and I was in the room wanking.

So maybe don't tell all your dreams. You had your mum's head. And then, what was your point then? That was it, Billy Joel. He's good, that's all I'm saying. And then we're ending the show today with a much wanted classic cheap show section that we don't do very often

because I think it gets tiring and unfunny. But we're going to do Don't Get Mad 4. Alright. It's a very special take on Don't Get Mad. Yes, we asked on Reddit and on Twitter to suggest Don't Get Mad scenarios. You've listened to the show, so hopefully they'd know

what to suggest. So I've got a few that we can read out throughout the game. Brilliant. So they're all coming not from the Christian thing, but actually from the listenership of the game. Brilliant. So they're all coming not from the Christian thing, but actually from the listenership of the teacher. Was that a religious-based educational toy originally? I mean, yes and no.

What it was based on, don't get me wrong, was based on roller something or other, or roller scenario, or roller... It's a board game that was meant for Christians

and the idea was, oh, Father Matthew is this, that and the other and what should little Timmy do when he sees a sin? Wendy's come in and I could see her ankle and I'm starting to see spoofage out the top of my rock-hard Christian helmet.

Rock-hard Christian helmet is a fantastic name for a rock album. Imagine, though, you were in a situation where you thought it was sinful to have the thoughts in the first place, sinful to have an erection. Yeah. Sinful to wank. Yeah. Where do you go from there?

Well. Into serial killerdom is what you do. When you repress natural basic urges because you're told they're sinful. Yeah. People go a little cuckoo bye bye. What? Ding ding. They really do.

Yes, they do. And sometimes they express it via, I don't know, you know, self-flagellation or some kind of martyrism. They take it upon themselves to punish themselves. And some go out and kill. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Cheap show. Life is cheap edition.

Okay. So we've taken it. We've made it a secular comedy version. Yeah. That in no way is beholden to the rules of the actual game. Okay. Yeah. So that's what's coming up on the rules of the actual game. Okay. Yeah. So that's what's coming up on the show today.

Are you ready for it? I'm absolutely spumming. Right, then let's crack on. Give me that jingle, bitch. It's tail... Oh, dear. Fuck off! Every little

mistake I make. Yes, it's time for Tales from the Dancehall. Great, go on, do one. Okay, so the other day I was DJing Paul, at the beginning of the night, you know, and the kind of venues I DJ. Do I need to listen to this?

Yes. And respond. Okay. At the beginning of the night, and a lot of the places I go, I do, people are still eating. You know, there's a food service there.

Like the Blues Kitchen does that, doesn't it? Yes, it does. And so it's not really, you know, hit them with the high tempo shit that gets everyone dancing right at the beginning of the night.

Just set a mood. You're wasting the tunes. Yeah. No one's going to dance at that time because they haven't had their inhibitions lowered by the old boozer hole. So I tend to play stuff at that point in the night which is kind of more down-tempo,

maybe a bit slower, a bit more mellow, chilled out, and stuff that I've picked up recently that I just want to play you know and so I was doing that, playing an instrumental funk number by The Counts and in fact it was a tune

called Funk simple, very simple, say what you see and I see this guy mincing out of the crowd towards me mincing out of the crowd he did have a little mincy gait on him. Okay, a little bit of a swagger. Yeah, a little bit of a...

What's that? It was a little bit of a cockney shoulder waggle. A bit of an Essex boy kind of swag. This is what I was getting. Big Essex boy. Yeah. Although he was a midget. Compared to you?

Not an actual midget. I'd just like to make that clear. Okay, but you were just using that term. He was a midget compared to you not an actual midget I'd just like to make that clear okay but you were just using that term he was a very small fella alright like you and skinny

bigger than you smaller than you skinnier than me and a similar height okay you can imagine that I can alright

and he had a very sort of you know the way these people just go out and they they all just go out in a shirt buttoned up shirt.

You know that look, that townie look? What the fuck? Just wear a jacket, you dicks. Sorry, is this Tales from the Downer Floor or Tales from the Fashion Centre? Anyway. Because you dress like a fucking tramp. Fuck you. Oh, he had a clean jumper on and he had clean pants on with no cum stains and no curry stains.

What are you talking about? You dress... Like a jack-o'-lan Moby, the file geography teacher. You dress like someone who's advertising novelty underpants in Viz magazine. Fine. All right. I'm happy with that. Specific enough there.

Whereas you look like fat Die Hard. Right. If Jack Black was in Die Hard, that's what you would look like. But like Die Hard at the end of the film. That wouldn't have worked. Do you know one of the greatest things about Die Hard was the casting of Bruce Willis. True.

People do not think of that at the time because he's an action hero now. But he was not an action hero before that. No, he was a goofy comedian, a comedy actor. And he's not a big muscly kind of guy either. No, not at all. He's quite a slight build. Slight.

Originally, that role went to a few other people before it got to him. I think Stallone was offered it. Arnie was offered it. See, that would not have worked. But who was the genius in casting who decided

it was probably John... It would have been against type. It would have been John McTeenan who directed it. What a stroke of genius. Well, because up until then, Bruce Willis was known for... Moonlighting.

Moonlighting. and the comedy film with Kim Basinger called Blind Date Blind Date I think that was his only kind of film before that and then

Alan Rickman was what I think you were going to reach for I think it was his first movie but that was another genius piece of casting wasn't it because he's fantastic

he wrote B. George English for the rest of his life but he's like he's mysterious you can't really do Alan Rickman well you can't really do Alec Rickman. Well, you can't really do anything.

You can't do anything. Give me a voice, I'll do it now. Alright, do an impression of Clint Eastwood. I shoot them. I shoot them, bastard. That's my policy.

Nah, it's just generic American. Do Arnie. Do Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's not bad. It's not bad it's not bad I don't remember that horny film what

horny film he's gotten up he's gotten up and he's prancing around like I don't know, Mighty Joe Young. I've totally zoned out. What's the point of me talking?

How about this? When I see a member of an ethnic minority walking down the street, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy. Yeah, I'm editing that out. Oh, fuck you. That's not witty. It's my policy. Yeah, I'm editing that out. Oh, fuck you. That's not witty. It's not good.

You fat... So, this guy comes in. Already I'm thinking, because he's got the... Over the years... This is like a Ronnie Corbett monologue now, isn't it? Where you go... Fuck off.

Oh, he's done his voice. He failed to do a voice before and now, ladies and gentlemen, he's done the voice he's so very proud of, and he pulled it out of his bag of used Johnnies. Your insults are really poor today. Work on them. You know what, Paul? I've had a tough week.

Oh, you always have a fucking tough week. Just tell your fucking story. So he minces up. No mince. He swaggers up. He swaggers up with a mini mince on. And I'm just like, yeah, because I can already see it's going to be problematic. I don't know.

You can tell by the look of people's eyes. It's a bit of a confrontation coming. And he said, mate. No, he did this whole thing when he was standing at the edge of the stage. Can I come up there? And I'm like, I can't hear you. Oh, yeah. I'm just like, fucking hell.

This is going to be fun. I can tell. He comes up. No. Can I'm just like fucking hell this is going to be fun I can tell he comes up can I ask what kind of music is this annoyance level 75 only 75

okay it's extremely annoying okay but what music was it was it like did he in terms of what you were playing right then

it was funk no it's funk music but he doesn't know what the genre is maybe his exposure to funk might be uptown funk that might be the probably is yes you know i can't blame him but i just think it's a badly phrased question if you're at that level of ignorance right ignorance or just not aware well those are those are similes of exactly the same meaning what does ignorance mean? Hello, Google.

What does fucking ignorance mean? Not being aware of something. That's what it fucking means, Paul. All right. I'm fucking trying out fucking language me, yeah? I'll lingophone your languo hole. Right, you are just all of the words today. I know.

I'm spapping words out like a computer. Right, okay. Right. So he comes up, what's this? You say funk. And I say, I'm trying words out like a computer. Right. So he comes up, what's this? You say funk. And I say, I'm trying to think. And it's very hard to think of what it, you know. But it's funk.

You just said it. And the tune's called funk. There you go. It is funk. So why didn't you say funk? And I say funk. No, you did say funk. And I must have said it in a slightly disparaging way.

Because he went, oh, I just didn't know. Just never heard this kind of music before. And then mate watch this fuck um and then he said could you play something a bit more up tempo what annoyance level a hundred percent oh he's gone up to a hundred i've had that in the past yeah okay there's a lot of shit wrong with that. Let me just cover the main points. Okay. One, it's the beginning of the night. It's about eight.

Everyone's eating fucking barbecue chicken wings, right? Yeah. They don't want some... They don't want Gabba. They want... Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Is that what that is? Is that what Gabba is? When you make a dog impression? Not that far off, actually. Oh, okay. Is Who Let the Dogs Out a Gabba song? No, it's not.

Because that has barking in. We should cover this. Should we? We should look at the little sub-genres of music and how shit they are. Shit sub-genres. And they're all cheap as well. Oh, well, that's all right.

All those dance music sub-genres are cheap to make, aren't they? Because you just have a... So, to wrap this story up... Shut up! Did he just go with a flea in his ear? Let me just list a few of the major things that are annoying about when someone says,

can you play something more up-tempo? Let's reframe it this way. Let's just say someone sees you at a club and they're going to approach you. Here are the things they need to know, yeah? What not to do when they approach you. All right? Well, number one.

All right, number one. Don't approach me. Great. Unless you're offering me a tip, money. Right. Or you think you have a solid gold suggestion. Or you want to go, oh, this is interesting.

I've never heard this one before. Who is this by? And what's the artist? And oh, I really like that. And how can I... Find out more. Maybe nosh you off. Noshing?

Noshing off, Paul? No, okay. No, doesn't work for Paul. Nosh me off. Stop that. I'm trying to do Arnie saying nosh me off. Yeah, nosh me off. I don't know what that was.

That has to be as far away from Arnie as we've got today. All right, so, okay. It's annoying. Yeah. Because I think what it is, is people, they think of tempo, and they don't really know what up-tempo means. Tempo is speed. Yes.

Up-tempo. More speed. Faster. Yeah. But he has no clue. He's not been monitoring the tempo of the number that is playing. You don't know that. He doesn't know if it's 4-4 or whatever the tempo is.

He could be doing beats per minute on this, on his smartphone. And anyway, if he was, he'd know that the one I was playing wasn't that slow. No. It was mid to high tempo. Oh. Exactly. So, more up-tempo, and then he gave me a look like... Oh.

Poor man. And I looked at him like, oh, now you've really made my... You've made my list. You've really raked my crayfish over the net there. Oh, what a protracted metaphor that was. You've punctured my bum hole. What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you today?

What is wrong with you? I'm trying to be funny. You're very trying. So is that your story then? Look, I will finish my story when I'm fucking good and ready to finish my story. Okay. All right? Fuck's sake.

Up tempo. So he didn't know what the tune was. And also, it's beyond vague. It's like that time said to me, more kick drum. Play more tunes with kick drum. Play more faster. Yeah. What was it?

Can you play more faster, please? He said tunes, more kick drum tunes. Oh, do you know, like, for instance, Superstition? Like, yeah, that has a kick drum on it. Yeah. And a nice hi-hat. So he said to me, more up-tempo? And it was almost like he didn't have the confidence.

No, you broke him. Yeah, I did. You came up with a swagger. You instantly reacted in the negative. I did. You broke him down with a probably very taut response. And then he's like, nah, I look like a dickhead. Yeah.

So I've got to put something in where I sort of try and, you know, say, do something. Do something different. Try to regain some control. So I said, could you play something more up-tempo? And I just looked at him. I gave him that look. That tired Eli look. Exhausted and contemptuous look that I love so much.

And I just went, that's so vague. Oh, mate. just went, that's so vague. Oh, mate. I said, that's so vague. And he went, and then minced off with his little cockney shoulder waddle. You know what? Sometimes you tell these stories

and I'm on your side where I think, yeah, how dare she do that? Or how dare he say that? But this time on that guy's side, I think you were a proper prick. Thanks, Paul. I think you were a proper prick. What, Paul. I think you were a proper prick. What if

that person was a listener to Cheap Show and he came up and he's like, oh, there's Eli. That sort of trash would never listen to Cheap Show. Don't know that. We have a nice mixed audience. I bet he listens to Chris Moyles

in his van. That's very generalistic. Very rude. Whilst he's in the back of the van. He's not old enough to in his van. That's very generalistic. Very rude. Whilst he's in the back of the van. He's not old enough to drive the van. The Daily Sun. The Daily Sun? The Sun newspaper on his dashboard

with the page three folded back. But he drinks Builders tea and whistles at women. You are being classist. Because you said classist. I'm not being classist. It's classist. Oh, fuck off. Back to the wilderness of the north.

Right. Is this your story? My story's done, Paul, but you've ruined it. I thought you had a little addendum. I was in the record shop yesterday and this is, again, just to show the lack of knowledge and the way the world is. The way the world is changing so fast around us, Paul. Look, you can't do my voice because I will start talking like that.

Okay, fair enough. Fine. Okay, and I was in there and I was on the listening deck where you have two record players that patrons can use to test out the records, preview the records. And it's a great thing it is a very good thing and more record shops should do it should do it

back in the old day they all did it didn't they all the little listening boobs they had listening boobs what I would do to return to HMV in 1968 or something

and be able to go a little record take your record into the listening booth so they didn't have headphones then they would have had just speakers in the booth

in the booth they should do those and I bet people made out in those boobs at times as well and I bet they stuck Oh, that'd be... So they didn't have headphones then? They would have had just speakers in the booth? In the booth. Fucking great. They should do those. And I bet people made out in those booths at times as well. And I bet they stuck little bits of chewing gum underneath the ledges in there. Oh, naughty, naughty people of the past. And I bet it stunk like the wooden horse's arse in Brent Cross. The wooden horse's arse?

Is that the name of a pub? We've covered this before. Have we? Brent Cross Shopping Centre. Yeah. One of the first to open American-style mall shopping centres in...

In the UK? Yes. I didn't know that. We should go up there one time, Paul. We should go up to... It's not the same, though, Brent Cross Shopping Centre

anymore. It's boring. Yes, but we should go... I'd love to go up and do a little on location up there. We should. We always can.

Anyway, in the sort of main entrance bit, there was a sort of child's play area which had wooden animals. They had a caterpillar that kind of snaked all around. Yes. You vaguely weren't there. No, but you've mentioned this story on

Cheap Show recently. I have mentioned it before. Anyway, and the horse, you could get inside the horse's behind, and the horse was hollow, and it smelt so redolent of the kids from the Grain Chill opening credits, the way they would smell the way their socks dirty school boys would smell dirty school madness uh baggy trousers the smell that

comes off the lyrics on that yeah i know what you mean i don't know what you mean anyway i bet it would smell like that right great so now your story is you're in a booth you're in a you're in a record shop and you're listening on a listening deck to a vinyl that you're picking up generally it does annoy me because people come in and they manhandle vinyl and they oh and they you know listen to one second and they don't know what they're doing and like you know got my leg trapped they're gone people are fucking idiots right yeah this young lady she must be a teenager came in and there was no record on the platter. But the headphones was there. And she must have thought that she was meant to just put them on and listen to something.

Because it was already playing through the headphones. And she was very sheepish when she realised. So what, she had to pretend she was listening to something? Yeah, she sort of took that off and then sort of shuffled over to her mate who was at the counter and like lay her head on her shoulder mortified she was and then you're across the room

going you cunt I don't like that is that what you did I didn't say anything pointing out like across the floor I did not say anything

anyway but you know it's it's amusing to me because vinyl big resurgence in vinyl people know you know, it's amusing to me because vinyl, a big resurgence in vinyl. People know because they read an article on Buzz Feed or whatever and they think it's cool

but they have no knowledge, Paul. They just don't know. And that's my tales from the dance floor. Thank you very much. Right, so that was good. I've got a story. Do you want to hear my tales from Paul's life? Floor. Floor.

Yes. Oh, so this story hasn't got a... It happened yesterday. It doesn't have a musical. No, the day before yesterday. No, not a musical. Was it in a shop? No, it was near the bins.

There's so many important moments in your life. Often have. Well, you're not going to believe this story, but it's true. What day is today? Sunday. So I think it was Saturday. No, Friday it would have happened on. That completely of no use to anyone.

Just saying that as we go along. A day or two ago. Here's a little editing note for you, Paul, from Eli. Take care what Paul just said. Thank you. Basically, I'm coming off Mill Street, right? And I'm doing all the charity shop things. And I'm going down towards the train station.

And I take a road down there. And I'm walking approximately like 10 minutes down the road to get to the train station where there's a Sainsbury's. And I can go near the Sainsbury's. And I picked up a sausage roll. God, again. And I got a free HP sauce packet because um i buy a packet of uh sausage rolls atp for two but i don't like them plain so um i give you a no there's a hot food counter which is for breakfast in the morning and by the rest of the day it's all gone sainsbury's no i

took a little pouch of hp from the pocket is that not? If I took one molecule of a diamond with a very accurate instrument, I would still be technically a thief. A diamond thief? Yes, you would be. But anyway, I took it because I want to make my... Maybe I should have paid for it. But there's no barcode on it, so I can't pay for it.

If that kind of behaviour, Paul, there'll be a world without sauce. How would you like it? I'd like it. How would you like it that all the HP was locked up in vaults? Oh, well, now we're talking. And you had to go down a secret elevator

to get down there just to look at it. I would do the Great British HP Source heist. That's what I would do. I'd form a team, a crack team of people who can get in there

and, you know, like the Hatton Court Gardens, Hatton Gardens crime. Yes. It'd be like that. I'm making a film of that. But HP Sauce. I'd do that.

You were only supposed to blow the bloody top off the ketchup bottle. They didn't do that, though. They drilled a big hole. Yes. So get your facts right. Yeah, but in the Italian job, they blew the bloody doors off. Yeah, well, I'm not talking about the Italian job, aren't I? I'm talking about the HP Sauce heist, where I've got Billy Krakens.

Paul, just on the subject of sauce, look at that rich tomato from McDonald where I've got Billy Krakens. Paul, just on the subject of sauce, look at that rich tomato from McDonald's I've got there. You don't see that very often. Rich tomato dip. See, that's not ketchup. That comes with the mozzarella dippers. So it's probably just HP, though. Probably tastes exactly the same as HP.

It's a rich... HP doesn't taste like tomatoes. No, I mean ketchup. Heinz ketchup. I bet it isn't. I bet it's more... I was staring at your HP sachet going, I'm having that. You love that. You can have that, see, Paul. I'm a magnanimous.

Put that in your top pocket, save it for later in case you're doing Journey Sausage. Journey Sausage! Anyway, I went to Sainsbury's and now here's what I didn't know about, you know the new buildings that they build in areas where they look posh but there are affordable flats in there but the higher up you get

the posher the flats are. The scourge. The scourourge what i didn't know is that they have like the posh front door and then the kind of poverty back door have you heard they do do that and there's been complaints about the big complaints so basically you literally if you get one of the affordable social housing units you have to go around the back around the back yeah but if you have this if you have a penthouse or higher higher up, bigger flat, you go up through the nice entrance and go up the lift to the top. Yeah, that really boils my crayfish. It's shocking. But anyway, I'm coming back with me little sausage roll

and I'm squirting my HP sauce on the go and having a good old nosh on it and having a lovely time walking home from Sainsbury's. Road snack, yeah. And then I go past the bin section where basically under the flats they have those big shed areas where they put the big bins in. The sheltered bin shed. Yeah. So I went past it and I was like, ooh, mate, it's stunk of weed.

Okay. Like a lot of weed. You know the smell of weed when you smell it. It's a hydroponic smell. It's not like, oh, that could be like a skunk spray, or that could be, you know, just whatever, flour. It's a heavy dank. I think the word is dank. That's where the dank word came from.

So I walk past the bins, and I'm like, that smells like weed. And I was like, let's have a little look. So I went into this bin area, and the smell of weed was overpowering, right? Yes. And then I look behind one of the bins and there's a massive huge bag about the size of the kind of sainsbury's shopping bag full of weed in baggies packed they must have been i don't know like a couple of hundred baggies of weed in that thing okay ready for distribution ready for distribution i would be nervous and then i had one of those

moments was like do i take it yeah and then I think have I ever seen a movie where that goes wrong has ever worked for the protagonist it's like no it's like Lockstock

or some kind of cockney gangster film I could get into trouble incredible so how many bags separate bags would you estimate were in there

I guess well more than 100 it must have been more so we're talking about possibly like maybe 200-300 pounds worth of stuff in that bag no look if you've than 100. It must have been more. So we're talking about possibly... Like maybe two, three hundred pounds worth of stuff in that bag.

No, look, if you've got 100 and let's say they're 20 bags. Yeah. That's 2,000 pounds. Oh shit, you're right. There's a lot of weed in it anyway. And I was thinking, maybe I'll take one.

Yeah, take one, man. Yeah, you know what happened then? What? Two guys came in with the bins and they were like, yes, we'll pick up now and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We'll do this and that. And I was like, oh God.

So I hid behind the bin and waited for them to do the deal and sell the weed. What? Yeah. And then they left. And I'm sitting there going. So it was his. He grabbed a bag to sell out of it.

Yeah. I mean, that's how people do it. Street dealers do it because they don't want to be caught. So I waited for them to do the deal and then they left and then i waited 30 seconds and i walked out and they were standing right there and they looked at me and you know i did i did what i think i thought i would never do because it was too cliche i went i walked off down the road and then a little bit of a jog and then a bit of a run and then i was home wow that is a good story paul and then the next day I went past it

on the way to the train station. Didn't smell of weed no more. Well, I mean, I don't know if I should say this on the cast, but we should go out there. They would have moved it now. You don't know.

But that's what happened to me the other day. Wow. Good thing you didn't grab it because they probably would have been on the way up. Exactly. Me walking out of the bins

with a huge big bag that they would definitely recognise as full of their... Their herb. Herb. So that was my Tales from Paul's Life floor. I quite liked that.

Did you? Better than a tramp shitting on a bus, isn't it? Yes. But you can dine out on that. And I will. It's time for Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep, Cheep. Ooh.

Oh, no, you didn't put any consonants in that at all. I think we should go to a purely vowel-based word system. A sort of phonic sculpture. Oh, in that case, we're going to do the next section in Sonic Sounds. Wee-ow! Ay-ya-ya! Cunt. That's not how you ruined it, by being dirty.

Oh. Trying to class this podcast up, you wretched fucking half-wit. Right, Paul, this is my segment called Cheap Cheap Cheap Ooh, apparently. Do it one more time. And also, the this is my segment called Cheap Cheap Cheap Ooh apparently yeah no you go

do it one more time now and also the one the comment little note I've got for you yeah the whole Cheap Cheap Cheap

sorry the Cheap Eats audio extravaganza jingle yeah that we've developed only works

if the Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap bit yeah is in a high pitch and then the You always do it low though when you did it.

You always went cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, and I went because I have a better register than you. Fuck yourself. So,

and I do. Moving on, I have been in the United States of America. So we're not doing the cheap, cheap, cheap bit again then. Just do it.

Do it high pitch. Just try it for me. All right, okay. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap bit again then Just do it, do it high pitch, just try it for me Alright, okay Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep No, do it properly Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep No, you fucking just can't do it You tone deaf fuck I was doing my version, my new version

Alright, you were in America, go on I've been in America, visiting my lovely family Yeah, Florida based it was florida and let me tell you the weather was beautiful of course it was it was florida the political climate slightly more cloudy oh and um yeah so i was out there for 10 days fantastic time and Yeah, saw the pictures on Facebook. You looked happy. It was great. Absolutely great. And I picked up some cheap eats from the States. I do like it when you come back from America with cheap eats.

It's exciting to me. It's almost a yearly thing now because you've done it the last couple of years, haven't you? Absolutely. And they really know about cheap shit food in America. They do. They have no concern about their own well-being and health different lack of regulation they'll eat anything there's poison out there those americans out there eat muck uh now this has just made me think hey america british food's so goddamn awful hey i'm gonna have a sloppy joe's no but that's

the thing when you talk about because there there's been a big craze in Britain for authentic fast food. Burgers. Yeah. Hot dogs. Like food vans. Food vans. Meat liquor.

All of these people. Byron. Meat liquor? Is that the name of a company? Meat liquor was one of the first ones to start the whole burger craze. I was called that at university. You were called the meat liquor. Paul Meat Liquor Gannon.

Oh, yeah. There comes the Meat Licker. Why? Hear it up. He's the lyrical gangster. Excuse me, Mr. Officer. Still licking like that. Go on.

Get your phone off. It's just my phone dying. Good. Like my enthusiasm for this section. That's what I was going to say. So they try and copy all of this fast food stuff, but out there they've got the real deal. That's where the food came from. I went to this place,

Doc's. Yeah. Oh, they're drilling outside now. We're in the House of Pickles and there's a drilling outside. So I'm going to apologise in advance. Hopefully you don't hear it too much. It is spic and span in the House of Pickles. It's spic. I wouldn't say span. My balls are so clean. You can eat your dinner off them they are emanating

a kind of shiny shimmer through the air they are ladies and gentlemen I can vouch for that your balls are a glow my balls are a glow with cleanliness I went to this place

Doc's okay I've heard of Doc's it's not a chain it's just a monologue there's like two or something isn't there maybe of Doc's you've heard of it

yeah I think they've talked about it on the last podcast or something like that are you joking no and it's in Florida because I think Henry Zerowski who's on that show and his sister uh they come from florida originally so every now and then they mentioned

docks in delray i think it's turned up in either that or it's talk they talk about on the round table of gentlemen well that's very interesting and kind of gratifying to me well it's been mentioned and noted and that's why i rang a bell we went there in delray beach i've been trying to go there for years never get around to it when I'm out there. And it's like classic American fast food where they've got a central building with glass walls. And round that outside, but under cover, is the seating.

Yeah. On a sort of patio. Yeah. Have you got Windy Pops today? Because every now and then you go to the side and you do a little silent burp. Mate, if I scratch my balls, you're going to tell everyone about that, are you? I might do. If it's particularly vigorous scratching.

What? People want to know when I've got like, what? Some people are fascinated by your testicles. Yeah, maybe. Some people love your balls. They want to hear more about them. Emails I get. More balls, please, Paul.

No. I want to hear more about Eli's sweaty get more balls please paul no i want to hear more about eli's sweaty fucking they're not sweaty they are glimmering with a cartoon shimmer of pureness um so i went to dogs yeah and i had a foot long hot dog chili dog oh nice chili in yeah onions nice and i had we had some um, and they do the fries with the skin on. Oh, nice. And like a soda. Nice.

That tasted really chlorine-y. A bit syrupy as well. A bit syrupy and chlorine-y. I like that. And ice cold. I like that. And they had onion rings. I'm telling you, Paul.

The best onion rings? Basically the best onion rings I've ever had in my life. But why? Why so special? They were hot they were crisp as fuck with a lovely

onion inside they were an onion ring what's the best example of an onion ring you have had today honestly they were it was the crisp it was the crispness

with the softness and the onion wasn't didn't sort of slide out you know you get that problem i like that sometimes i pull it out i don't think it's a good you need to construct an onion ring and cook it in a way so the onion cooks into a to a tenderness where you can bite through it cleanly without pulling it out yeah yeah they were they had all of those i'm gonna hate saying this but when i'm in a restaurant I like to pull it out.

You didn't hate saying it, did you? No. You loved saying it. No, I made myself do a happy. Do you pull it out, put it in a hot dog? Yeah, I do. Put some mustard on that, love. Foot long.

Chop some onions on that. My dick is like a foot though. It's got toes on. Nice. Thank you. Okay, so I had one of those and it was almost transcendentally brilliant.

Excellent. Do you know, because it's like, it's not pretending to be. Why would it pretend to be anything other than an onion ring? But that's what you get in England. You get, you know,

you have to pay 20 quid for a burger and chips that's trying to be really, really American-y, you know, with the grease paper and it was all in those plastic... Like Five Guys and all that shit.

I went to Five Guys. Yeah. It made me... You know what? I could have done that joke. But you did. I did it in my head. It was better.

I went to Five Guys. It could have been because I was, like, catastrophically hungover at the time. But, you know, they gave me the fries. They gave me loads of them. They were just, like, oven chips with this the fries. They gave me loads of them. They were just like oven chips with this horrible paprika powder. Just too much of it

all over there. What a joke. Yeah. It was nasty. And I thought, oh, at least the burger would be all right. I was two bites in.

It was a soggy mess. It was shit. Five guys get the thumbs down on Cheap Show then. Is that what you're saying? Yes, for me. Have you tried it? I went once,

but I only had fries because I wasn't particularly hungry on that day. And was that in a British store? Yeah, British, and it was paprika and... They weren't very good. They were a bit awful, but just I don't know what all the fuss is about. They weren't outstanding, were they? What's all the fuss about? Yeah. What's all the fucking fuss about? They've got all these fucking posters

in their shops going, oh, fries made Steven Spielberg spunk, or something. You know what I mean? Really, is that the advertising? Yeah. Alan Alda came in and he shat himself the fries were so good. Do you know?

Alan Alda. Of all the references, the guy from MASH. Fair enough. Billy Joel writes songs about our fries. Yeah. So that was one thing

I just wanted to mention. Yeah. Flipping heck. That was so good. So good. But now, on to what you've brought Flipping heck. That was so good. So good. But now, on to what you've brought back from the colonies. I do bring things back, and a little special mention should go to

my sister-in-law, Emma Silverman. Hello, Emma. She loves the show, and she... Does she? She does. Despite the fact that you're in it? Yes. Fine. She's got a dirty mind. Oh. So we might get on then.

She listened to the sex episode and yeah. What? Oh God. She liked the sex episode. Whackadoo, whackadoo, whackadoo. And it seems to have opened the floodgates for her to tell me about her vaginal hygiene.

Did I ever tell you about my spoffy muff? Let's just put a stop to that right now. If you're listening. Okay. And so she selected one of these items for us today. The other item was something that I actually stored out there in my sister Lulu's cupboard for a year, but don't worry, it's canned. Okay.

So it will be fine. And then another confectionary item. Excellent. A nice broad mix. Paul, if you'd like to do the honours, reach behind you there on the door handle of the House of Pickles. Oh, I see. There's a plastic bag and that has our items. I thought this was your bin.

No. Oh, it's quite a packed selection of things. So let's have a look at item number one. I'm going to go from least exciting to most exciting. Maybe, you know, don't talk and rustle in your bag at the same time. I'm just going to give you a bit of professional help. That's not good sound. Paul, you know what I think you should do?

Go on. You should do a separate podcast, which is advice to budding podcasters. Here are the technical breakdowns. Hi, my name's Paul, and I've helped 40,000 people make money on YouTube. You've seen it now, have you? I've seen them now, yeah. It's like, I've personally made everyone millionaires, and I can do the same for you if you click this link,

which, honest to God, mate, it's not dodgy. I don't think it is dodgy. I'm going to give you all my tips for free. Here we go, Paul. We're going to start with the confectionery. Now, I'm going to hand these all my tips for free. Here we go, Paul. We're going to start with the confectionery. Now, I'm going to hand these over to you. Oh. And tell us what you see.

Well, they're from a company called Great Value, and I hope they are. Naturally and artificially flavoured Spice Drops Cherry Candy. Interesting. Spice Drops? Yes. Why Spice Drops? Are they like...

Pear drops? No, they feel like American hard candies. Is it that kind of... I have no idea. That's why I thought it'd be an interesting item for this section. They look like American hard candies or those things you get in the cinema in America

that they rave about. Mike and Ikes? Mike and Ikes or something. Not Mike and Ikes. They're like the licorice covered in sugar, aren't they? No. Dumb Dumbs or... Mike and Ikes are essentially jelly beans essentially jelly beans or dip dips or pat pops or clip clops or pam-pams or dip dabs or little littles or chaff nips yeah it's one of those anyway so it's a bag um it's got sweets in it

great quality great price guaranteed well we'll be the judge of that. It ticks a lot of boxes there because I think it is a cheap item. It's a value item, isn't it? It's from a value store. Make and train traces of milk, eggs, almonds, coconut, peanuts and soy. So, you know, a factory full of intermingling ingredients.

I'm going to open it back now. These are spice drops and look, it says on the pack it's well made in the USA. So I'm not... Oh, the spicy smell. You're like cinnamon chewing gum, that hot, spicy thing. Is it cinnamon smell? Let me have a little sniff.

Oh. Oh, yeah, that's very much Big Red. Big Red, that's the one I was thinking of. So these are cinnamon flavoured, but they are all different colours. You've got red, you've got orange, you've got green, you've got purple. Colours. And white ones.

Yeah. So, but the smell is just of cinnamon. It's just that strong. So I'm wondering if there's any differentiation or that they're just made in different colours.

Well, anyway. I'm guessing they all taste the same, but they're all different colours. Well, we'll soon find out. It's a cheap item.

It's a cheap item. And they are shaped, how would you say they're shaped? They're like an elongated fruit pastel. Yes. It's a cheap item. And they are shaped, how would you say they're shaped? They're like an elongated... Like a little fruit pastel. Yes. It's like a fruit pastel got a hard on. It's like if thimbles for fingers were made of gummies.

Yes. Thimble shaped. Thank you. Because they are, aren't they? Agree with me. Say, Paul is right, they are thimble shaped. I was. Say that sentence.

Paul is right. Paul is right on this one issue. Paul is right, they are thimble-shaped. I was. Say that sentence. Paul is right. Paul is right on this one issue. Paul is right on many issues, and this is thimble-shaped. And this. Paul is right on many issues, and this is thimble-shaped. Good, you're learning. Right, I'll have one now. You will not have one.

Why can't I? You will say, I like Eli. I like Eli. I would nosh him off in real life. I would nosh him off in real life. I would nosh him off in real life. You would. I would. Oh, no, weird.

Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. Okay, so I'm going to have a yellow one. What do you want to start with? Mate, your cock, power pill, my mouth, Pac-Man. What do you want? I want to nosh you off. No, I'm having one. This is green.

You haven't agreed. Mine's yellow, but you go first. Let's see. I am popping the gummy sweet in my mouth. Texture? Very soft. Not as hard as I thought they were going to be. I think this is mint.

It's got a minty kind of flavour to it. Is it a green one? Yeah. It's mint. Maybe they are all different flavours. That's mint. Go on. I'm going to try the yellow. Maybe it's lemon. Oh, yeah. Much softer than I was expecting. Yeah. That's mint. Maybe there are all different flavours. That's mint, go on. I'm going to try the yellow.

Maybe it's lemon. Oh yeah, much softer than I was expecting. Yeah. That's cinnamon. Really? Because that one was definitely mint. Try a green one and see if you agree with me. Have a look for a green one.

Have you had a purple one? I'll have a purple one. That is very, very clearly cinnamon. Okay, I'm going to have this red one. That is like generic fruit flavour. Are you sure it wasn't cinnamon? Yeah. Oh yeah, that is mint. The green one is mint.

Give me a yellow one. To be fair, this is quite fun. It's like a Willy Wonka factory. Which one haven't we done? Did you do purple? I've done green and yellow. Yeah. And red. Okay, purple now. I have done purple. So I've done green and yellow and red. So I have done purple. So I'm going to have this yellow one.

That's cinnamon, right? Yeah, it is cinnamon. That is cinnamon. There's a difference. It's got that Cinnabon kind of cinnamon flavour. Exactly, yeah. Purple, I'm hoping, isn't like a palm of violet, soapy. We'll find out. It could be, couldn't it? Oh, his face is all quizzical, ladies and gentlemen.

What flavour is that? It is. It's a bit lavendery. Is it? Well, you know what? I'm impressed that they're all different flavours. I'm impressed, actually. And they're not unpleasant. That's strange. Yeah. I want to try a purple one.

It's quite spicy, the purple one. It's quite spicy, you one It's quite spicy you say Let's have a go Yeah Very lavendry Clove That's what it is Clovey

That's clove yeah You're right it's like an almost cough medicine Yeah No it's clove And do you know how I can demonstrate this to you Paul Because you have clove In my room I have some clove oil Smell this and tell me that isn't the exact same

Yeah It's got a bit of cl my room, I have some clove oil. Smell this and tell me that isn't the exact same. Yeah, it's the same. It's got a bit of clovey to it. That is clove. Well, bugger me, it's clove. Actually, you know what? I don't know if I could sit down and eat a whole packet of those. I definitely couldn't. I'm getting very cloying. My mouth is kind of tingly in that. Your mouth will probably swell up.

It's an interesting candy. It's a very American kind of candy. Your mouth will go numb. You start dribbling bits of popcorn onto your lap. Yeah. Half-masticated popcorn. Sludging out. Looking like sloth from Goonies. Is there something we haven't tasted here? I think I've had

all of them now. I've had red. I've had purple. I've had yellow. I've had green. We haven't had white. Oh, I haven't had white. Let's have a look for white. I think then we're done for the white. All the colours. This is great. What is that?

What is that? It tastes like I put a plaster in my mouth. Yeah, it's like a TCP sort of. It's TCP. Mate. That's unpleasant. Oh, fuck. It's yucky. Mate. That's unpleasant. Oh, fuck. Yucky.

The spitbags come out, ladies. No, I'm swallowing my load and I'm swapping it down with some nice Rubicon pomegranate sparkling juice. That was not pleasant, that last one. I don't like them. They're not awful, though, to be fair. Yeah, but can you imagine choosing those?

No. As your sweet, I'd go for Mike and Ike's or Jelly Belly's. Haribo. You know what? I'm going to have to pick up somewhere. Oh, go on. Just an honourable mention to something else I saw out there. Jelly Belly Sours.

Oh. Jelly Belly motherfucking Sours. We'll get on to those in good time. The other thing I sort of enjoy in a dirty, guilty pleasure sort of way about the States is that they have all different flavours of stuff, don't they? Yeah. Right, so we move on to the next one. We want to rate that out of 10.

I'm going to give that... These are the Spiced Drops. I'm going to give it 5. I didn't hate them. They're not awful. You get value for money, I will say that. But they're very particular to that flavour. You'd have to really like

that kind of sweet sensation yes but some people are into that stuff because some people like Parma Violets my nan would probably love that bag

people used to like aniseed balls I love aniseed balls though apart from the little I like the little bit in the middle the little seed or something I like it

it's like a reward for getting through it pear drops also have a very distinct flavour lemon drops have lemon drops got that same very distinct flavour. Lemon drops. Have lemon drops got that same sort of thing that pear drops have? And sherbet in the middle as well. Pear drops have that thing.

I think I heard once that pear drops, if you had a lot of that, it would be poison. But anyway, I'm going to give that five. What are you going to give it? I'll go for a six. Really? I'll say a six. Okay, I thought you'd rate it the same or lower just based on the fact that you said you didn't like it. I could eat a few more.

I'm thinking it was in the cinema, peckish. I might have a few more of those. Fine. I wouldn't eat a whole bag in a sitting. Thanks, Emma. She's got those ones. Thank you, Emma. Okay, Paul.

Now. Are you man or are you mouse? Well, we'll soon find out. Oh, God. Oh, what the fuck's this? It's by a company called Iberia. And it's pickled... Eye patches.

It's chicken Vienna sausages in a chicken broth. Oh, love that broth. Serving four sausages, 60 grams. What are the ingredients? Mechanically separated chicken. Mmm. My favourite type of chicken. Water, salt, corn syrup, dextrose, sodium,

ethorbate, natural flavours, garlic powder, broth, chicken broth. Good. So all the dead chickens that were sitting in a vat bubbling away, they siphoned that off as the broth. And then they got their bones and they blasted it with high-powered water jets and the grey sludge remaining was swept up with big squeegee brooms

into a sluice. Don't... Just do not burp on the podcast, Paul. All right. It's unprofessional. I'm sorry. Say, I love this say I love you I love you

say do it to me from behind real hard stop it just stop it there's no need for that say hold my neck we don't need to play

say hold the back of my neck we don't need to play the gay panic gag I don't want to the gay panic gag that's what they call it like in films in comedy films

make a hole up the bum yeah you like it up the bum this isn't working bum bum bum bum bum willy you like it up the bum. That's like gay panties. This isn't working. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, willy bum, willy up, bum, bum. Anyway, this is chicken Vienna broth.

Stick the chicken Vienna sausage up my arse. Shut up. Stick it up my arse. Shut up. Yeah, a little preview for the end of the show there, ladies and gentlemen.

Just for the rest of this episode. Don't get mad. I will be saying I will take a shit and put it up my bum. Right, anyway, I'm going to open this up. shit and put it up my bum. Right, anyway. I'm going to open this up. Is it ready to eat?

Listen to this, though. Oh, yeah. Those are some filthy Vienna sausages. Careful not to splash broth all over the... Do you know what, mate? I have all the things

I'm going to do today. I'm going to be very careful I don't splash broth on me. You're opening it from the wrong end. No, I'm not. That's how I open it for the wrong end. No, I'm not. That's how I open it for the leverage

and then I turn it around. I know how to open a can. Fuck's sake. Oh, it smells like cat food. Smell it. Oh, why do we have to eat this? This is... Are they ready to eat? They're not going to be raw are they?

I need to take a picture of this I mean I hope not No those would last Right Let's just say what serving suggestion it says Serving suggestion Put it into the bin, walk away Do not eat yeah

It doesn't have any serving suggestions on it. So I presume you can eat it. Right? This was from Western Beef, which is... How are we going to eat this? Because they're all packly tight. Do you have a fork? I'll go get a fork, yeah? Yeah, go get a fork and I'll entertain

the crowd while you do that. Don't entertain them. I'll do some of me stand-off. So, yeah. That film that came out a few years ago was good, wasn't it? Did you see it? It was called Vampires and... What was it called?

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Remember that film? Anyway, imagine if they did other classic literature and horror films like, I don't know, Schindler's Mist. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. Or Raptor in the Rye.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho. I like this one. Seance and Seanceability. Ho ho ho ho ho ho. But the best one, definitely, is this one that I like. I think they should marry these two together. It's the Diary of Anne Frankenstein because ha ha ha ha ha

making fun of a tragedy. Anyway, that's been my stand-up, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much for that. And now Eli's back with his sausage. I've speared this wiener. Have you? And in description-wise, it looks like a section has been cut out

of a normal sausage. The ends are open. It looks like the middle of a sausage. It looks like the middle of a sausage. So I'm going to hand this over to you, Paul. Why do I get to eat it first? Do you want me to go first? No, I'll go first.

I'm only going to have the tip of it. It's my American cheap eat. I'm only going to have the tip of this. I'm not going to wolf it down. Okay. Because bad things will probably happen. You don't have to eat more than you want to. Right, here we go.

Oh, God. I don't like it. It crumbles. Oh, it crumbles in my mouth. As it falls apart into mush. Oh, God. So the texture's not good. Oh, God. The texture's not good oh god

the texture wasn't good there's almost no flavour to it it's just the salty broth it crumbles in the mouth and there are bits of what might be tiny slivers of bone that gristly just little gristly mash it is

let's see what I think was it any sort of pop or what do they go the snap on the there's no snap it has a little bit of leathery give. And then it go crumbles. He's had a big bite. Much braver than I was.

Oh, he's had another bite. Oh, you're fucking happy with it. In a dirty way, I would eat a whole can of those. Oh, mate. That is disgusting. Very salty. Very salty. Very salty. There's no flavour. There's no real chicken flavour. No essence

of chicken in that. Terrible texture. And a bit of a levery give. You've eaten the whole sausage and you're going to have another one. Don't! I'm not having another one. Don't. I'm going to toast the broth. You make me sick. It wouldn't be fair on our listeners

if we didn't toast the It would be fair on me if you didn't drink the broth. I'm going to have a sip of the broth now people. Oh god.

Salty chickeny ooh ooh ooh. That's what I'm going to say. Nasty bast. Now those are extremely cheap and nasty.

Couldn't you imagine, you know, eating them? No. I'm going to give that two out of ten, and I never want to go anywhere near them again. I'll go for six. I mean, it's a processed meat product. So you know what you're going to get, but that's not for me. Too salty, I'd say.

Yeah. But that's all that's stopping it from just sort of evaporating into the air and becoming a deadly microbe swarm. Right, next one. This is... I'll go for six for those. Did I say six? Yeah.

Oh, I can't get rid of that taste. How are you living with that? I might have those later. Oh, mate, you dirty, rancid swine. You know what you can do? Turn it into a sandwich spread. No, no, no. You can mash it all up. No. A bit of mayo.

No. Oh god. Next. Quick. Oh, what's this? What's this? I saved the best till last here. They're Cheetos, but ladies and gentlemen

they're not just any old Cheetos. This is something I've never heard of year. They're Cheetos, but ladies and gentlemen, they're not just any old Cheetos. This is something I've never heard of before. Exactly. Cheetos Sweetos Caramel Puffs. So I'm guessing they're the texture of a Cheeto, but very sweet. Well, you'd hope they haven't tried to sort of mix the flavour of cheese with the caramel.

No, no, no. Try Cheetos Sweetos Caramel Puffs for a taste of rich melted caramel in one delicious puff. And don't forget to try Cinnamon Sugar Puffs. They also do cinnamon in those as well. It's nice, isn't it? Yes, Cheetos seem to be an extremely dominant brand in the snack market. Really?

In Florida. Yeah, they are everywhere. They are everywhere. And you know what the best Cheeto is, which we've had on the show before? Yeah. The Crunchy Red Hots. Yeah, the Alison Santos. Those are everywhere.

You get small packs out there everywhere. You know, it's just a great crisp. It's a good solid crisp. These I don't think I'm going to like. They seem to have, from the drawing on the outside, it seems that they have some kind of filling, soft fondant chocolate-style filling. No, I think that's just him holding a bowl of caramel

to make you go, oh, I see. And then the actual picture, they are actually just sort of puffs. In a little circular shape. It's a gold packet. It has the Cheetos logo but then Sweetos in a different font underneath. You can see photos of all the items on Cheap Eats a day

at www. dot dot. It's not www. It's thecheapshow.co.uk Every episode has a dedicated page with pictures, videos and such and such that you can read and view along with the words that you're hearing

with your ears right now. Wouldn't it be good if you had a website called To Be Continued? In fact, there is one. And it's addressed with www.com as in To Be Continued? No.

No. Not funny. Not your best work. Oh, what is my best work then, Paul? What do you like about me? I shat the bed. When I say I shat the bed, that's what you like?

I have a tiny penis. It's like a big thing with a small thing on top. So here we go. Sniff penis. It's like a big thing with a small thing on top. So here we go. Sniff that. It's very sweet. Smells like a dessert, doesn't it? Ooh, that's very strong.

Very potent. Caramel flavour. Smells like a kind of cake almost. Extremely caramelly coming off that. And they look very similar to a Monster Munch. Inconsistency. I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't too dissimilar. This does not appeal to me, I have to say, Paul.

Well, let's find out. I'm going to try one. Monster Munch did try and do strawberry flavoured. We've had strawberry flavoured. Ice cream as well they tried. It was a very, very bad idea. Here we go. And just for the record, in case you're listening,

we will be doing a League of Snacks soon, and that's coming up in a later episode. We're going to get right into the nitty gritty of it. We certainly are. Right, here we go. This, by the way, will not be featured as part of the league because it's niche and... Absolutely not a classic snack. This is on the cutting edge of

crisp technology. So here we go. I'm going to try it. Texture? Very soft, like Monster Munch used to be in the 90s when they were shit. Right, so softer than your current day Monster Munch. Yeah, softer. Still a bit of crunch, but still

very melty in the mouth. Flavour? Not awful. It's very, it's caramelly, but it's not as strong as you think it's going to be. It's not as sweet. It's sweet. Is it a sharp sweetness? No, it's actually like a kind of soft sweetness. It's hard to explain. Try's sweet? Is it a sharp sweetness? No, it's actually like a kind of soft sweetness. It's hard to explain.

Try it. You'll find out. Oh, I don't know how he's taken to it. No. I mean, they're not as bad as you think they're going to be. They're not awful, actually. Actually, that's quite nice. It's not as imposing a flavour as you think it's going to be.

You get the sweetness and the caramel at the top. Yeah. And then, as it disintegrates, you get the flavour of corn. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? The cornmeal flavour.

Which softens it all out. Which is actually quite pleasant. Yeah. That's actually quite a nice... I don't think I could eat the whole bag. It's quite a big bag. It's for sharing.

Well, we shall share it. Do you think they'll ever come over here, that people will be that interested over here? No, I don't think. You might get them in candy shops that sell American stuff. You know, like London's packed with those now. Hmm. Strange.

Strange combo. A strange, at odds with itself, flavour. It's not bad, but it seems at odds with itself. And also, in the States, they do seem to have a penchant for mixing the sweet and the savoury. They do it at Thanksgiving, don't they? Yeah, they do. That's actually part of the... Cranberry and chickens.

Turkeys. Yeah, but we do that. I mean, we'll have cranberry and turkey. Mint and lamb. And mint and lamb. And that's quite sweet, the mint sauce you put around. It's very sweet. I don't go for that. I don't go for it. Oh, cranberry, I can stick it right up its arse. Just mint and lamb. And that's quite sweet, the mint sauce you put around the... It's very sweet. I don't go for that. I don't go for it. Oh, cranberry jock. I can stick it

right up its arse. Just give me meat. I'd rather have some Iberia chicken Vienna sausages and chicken broth on a plate. Because you are a fucking feral cunt. Oh, here we go. I'm feral. How am I feral, Paul? Mate, do I need to take a picture of this room and put it up online? If you do that, there will be

legislative issues. Will there? Yeah. Here's a picture of you trying to scale Mount Grotbags. Mount Grotbags has been reformed. Mount Grotpants, that's the one. Grotmore.

Grotpants, it's Mount Grotpants. Okay. Your pile of used clothing in the corner. So? No, we're going to tackle this. Clean this fucking room up. All right. Leave it like that. But yeah, this is a nest, mate, not a this. Clean this fucking room up. Alright. Leave it like that.

But yeah, this is a nest, mate, not a bedroom. I've been looking online. There are people who have sexual fetishes for small men in filthy shitholes. Well, if you're listening to this, and you are a lady who likes men with a very low self-esteem

and body hygiene issue, who lives in a practical nest made of stolen dreams and vinyl and dirty underpants and dust and mounds of sauce. That's the sauce trough. It's not. That is a feature of the House of Pickles. Then get in touch with us and we'll set up a date with you. You must be living in the UK and ideally...

Why are you trying to set me up? Because you need love. Don't you? You need love, mate. Shut up. date with you. You must be living in the UK and ideally... Why are you trying to set me up? Because you need love. Don't you? You need love, mate. Shut up. You need love. You need someone to play with your little tinkerbell.

You love it in here. The smell makes you feel like you're someone when you smell the house of pickles. Yeah, it makes me feel like a bin man. So, I'm going to need... A score.

...for the Cheetos, Sweetos, Caramel Puffs. And I would be interested to see if they have other items in the Sweetos range. They do. It says on the back, I read out the beginning of the fucking pit. You ignorant. Cinnamon Puffs. And I said to you.

I'm sorry, your voice is so boring to me. And so, you know, so information poor that it just sort of bounces off my eardrum. Anyway, there are cinnamon flavour ones as well which I thought would be quite nice. Remember when I said Cinnabon? Remember all that? God, you are literally the most ignorant man I know. I'm sorry, I didn't hear any of that.

What would you rate it? I would give those again a six. Six for me. Fine. Six for me. Fine. Six. Now, that was American Cheap Eats. I think Emma does send us some stuff throughout the year. She likes to do little packages.

Yeah, little bits and bobs. And we had those, some other items. Well, we'll get through them at another point, I'd imagine. Recently, and she'll probably be sending something this year. Good. Please do. Thank you for those. I thought the Iberia chicken sausages

were okay. Well, they weren't, and you're wrong, and they're horrible, horrible fucking things. Just one other restaurant I visited in the States that I'd just like to mention.

Yeah. It was called Famous Hot Dogs in Fort Lauderdale. Is this like Divers, Drive-Ins and Dives or whatever it's called? Drive-Ins, Divers and Drives. What. It was called Famous Hot Dogs in Fort Lauderdale. Is this like Divers, Drive-Ins and Dives or whatever it's called? Drive-Ins, Divers and Drives.

What's that show called? With Mick Fiery? Whatever his name is? I don't know. If you stop talking, I'll tell you. Vaginal Dryness and Chives. Okay.

All right. Fair enough. Vaginal Dryness and Chives. I love that show. Even though he's a wretched, horrible cunt, that man. Is he really?

He's a real... Yeah, he's probably really rude and mean. Probably. Oh, I think he is. Anyway, I love him. Of course you do. We did eat at one of those. We went in the Hollywood Diner in Miami,

which is one that he's been to. His little photo. Oh, on the wall. Yeah. He ate a long, hot chilli thing or something. He did, yeah. Suicide chicken or something. It was quite a good restaurant

okay and I had a patty melt do you know what a patty melt is? it's imagine a sloppy kind of burger that's poured onto a bath

rather than actually being a patty itself you're wrong it is it'd be like that wouldn't it with your little fucking look

oh you're wrong it is basically a toasted cheese sandwich yeah with a burger inside with the cheese so it's toast.

So it's like, okay. And onions. Griddled onions in there. Anyway, if you want to get in touch and date that, please do thecheapshow at gmail.com and you can have sex with Eli if you want because frankly, someone's got to. Will you fuck off?

I don't want to. I don't want. You know, when I do eventually get laid... When you do? I'm not even going to tell you about it. Oh! I don't want you to have the pleasure. You don't own me. You don't monitor my life.

You don't set me up with people. The type of people who respond to you are below me. Below you? I'll blow you. Right, God almighty. This segment's petered out. I think we God almighty. This segment's petered out. I think we can safely say this segment's petered out. I'll get my peter out.

Right, that just confirmed it then, hasn't it? What was your favourite thing from all three? All three of those, I think... Can you say the chicken? I do. I prefer those. I'm a savoury guy. That's disgusting.

I'm a savoury man. I'm a savoury chap. If it's salty and meaty, I put it in my gob. I'm a savoury man. I it's salty and meaty, I put it in my gob. I'm a savoury man. I eat the salt. I like the rind. I'm pieces of flesh. I eat the skin.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Did you hear about that? Oh, what now? That there was someone, a master chef, who made a nasi goreng, which is a Philippine-Indonesian dish. Yeah. Which is like a chicken curry. Right. Like a chicken curry dish with rice. Yeah. Which is like a chicken curry. Right.

Like a chicken curry dish with rice. Yeah. And they the judges complained that it was not crisp. The skin is not crisp. Oh, but it's not meant to be.

It is not in any way meant to be crisp. So they can go fuck themselves with their cultural appropriation just because you're swanky restaurants that you eat in.

It must be crisp. No. I have another story. No, I don't wanty restaurants that you eat in. Can I end this clip? No. Can I end this clip? I have another story. No, I don't want to hear it. Save it. No, I'm not saving it. Save it.

I don't want to hear it. No, you can cut out this bit where you're complaining and making lame jokes about me noshing you off and stuff. Right. Story to end thing starts now. Eli says. Eli, speak now. Do it.

Well, if you keep interrupting me, I won't. This is set for 37 minutes, this segment. On my last day of my recent soiree to the Americas, we were in Fort Lauderdale. That's where my flight was. Okay. Me and my sister Jenny. Don't do the speed up thing, because I will slow down.

The more you do that, do it now. No, because I want you to fucking speed up. Come on. We went to this place, Famous Hot Dogs, and we checked. It looked really good. It looked really old school,

similar to the restaurant and docks that I mentioned earlier. Yeah. It had this outdoor sitting area and a small glass restaurant. Self-service,

canteen style. Hot Dogs. And it had all this stuff. Oh, famous. They're famous. And it looked really good, like in the middle of nowhere in this sort of industrial sort of wasteland. Yeah.

And we decided we would have lunch there. Right. We went in. And my sister was the first to order. And she said, oh, can I get this one with everything? And the guy behind the counter exploded in anger. Why? Because all he could say was that he was like, no, listen, you can't have everything.

There's things in circles. And those are suggestions. Those he explained. He was like, no, listen, you can't have everything. There's things in circles and those are suggestions. Those are suggestions. It's like that. It's like that. Wow. Everyone's looking. As soon as she said the word everything, every member of staff, with these little feral eyes.

He's like, you see, go there. It's very clearly laid out. These are suggestions. She's like, okay, well, I'll just have it on my coleslaw. Okay. Right. So we get them. Yeah.

You know, and I'm like, I'm going to get a burger as well. And I do want everything with it. So I'll have a burger with everything. And they're like, oh, it works with the burger. You know what I mean? Wankers. That's like the equivalent of their tables on the dance floor. It was like, this bozo came up to me the other day.

And he's like, I'll have it with everything. You can't have it with everything. You gotta have it with... He was honestly an unpleasant, rude man. Well, there you go. And we ate it. Yeah.

And it was absolutely delicious. Even better than Doc's, the hot dog. It had the same thing, like a chilli dog. Yeah. With a great snap on the sausage. And you know, a really good hot dog has a had the same thing, like a chilli dog. Yeah. With a great snap on the sausage.

And you know a really good hot dog has a sort of umami sort of film. You're meant to be shorter episodes so we can do more and you're talking about sausage texture and I'm bored. We're ending this segment now. We're not ending it. I'm not at the end of the story. I can just press stop. Well, don't. I'm just going to press

stop because I'm done with this. Two things will happen there. What will happen? I'll start the next segment by finishing the story. No, you don't. I'm just going to press stop. No, well, you know, two things will happen there. What will happen? I'll start the next segment by finishing the story. No, you won't. No matter what happens. And I'll be upset. Good, I like you upset.

Is there music coming from the other room? So that's why. Wrap it up. Okay. And so we ate and it was a delicious hot dog. Right. But we were quite shaken by the rudeness of the staff, especially the man. So we looked online on the...

Yelp or something. Yeah, for the reviews. And every single one said... Don't order everything. No, it didn't. It said, delicious hot dogs. I'm an incredibly rude owner who I started a fight with and stuff like that. Yeah, he's just like, it's one of those things.

Oh, okay. So it's got a bit of a reputation. He was incredibly rude. Well, there you go. Just nasty. He's like, if you see the circles, that's just like, it's one of those things. Oh, okay, so it's got a bit of a reputation. He was incredibly rude. Well, there you go. Just nasty. He's like, if you see the circles, that's a suggestion. Okay, that's the end of my story, Paul. Fuck you.

It's time to do what I have been hesitant to do for a long time, which is play the surprisingly popular game that started off as a one-off joke to fill time and has now become an institution. And if we carry on doing it, I'll be put into an institution because... Why am I wearing earphones? I don't know why you're wearing earphones.

It's because it's part of your professional podcast, technical podcast guy. It's time for Don't Get Mad. Again, the fourth one. I'm looking forward to this, Paul. Are you? I'm going to tell you right now. I've been practising.

Have you? And I will not be getting mad. Good, because that's the point of the game. It's called Don't Get Mad. You're meant to fight your urges. I will not be getting mad in both senses of the word. Both. Insane. I won't be getting insane. Okay. And I will not be getting mad in both senses of the word. Both. Insane.

I won't be getting insane. Okay. And I will not be getting angry either. Good. No, no, no. Shall we just kick in? So what we did differently this time, as we mentioned at the top of the show, was we reached out to our listening audience and said, email us your suggestions, your scenarios for Don't

Get Mad. I'm going to do the little flippy hand thing. Don't do the flip. This is an audio podcast. I know. I'm doing the flippy hand thing to kind of go, look at this. Look at that. Look at this. Flippy flippy. You're a dick. You're a dick and you fucking make me wretch.

You act like a dick. You smell like an unwashed dick. And you've got the face of a dripping foreskin. Right. Here we go. We're going to do... So people have written in. So we're going to do a few from the written suggestions.

I understand the format, Paul. You know, I have been here the whole time. But maybe this is the first time people listen to the show and they don't know what Get Mad is. Well, explain it to them in a more better way. In a more better way. That's a great sentence, isn't it? In a more better blues way.

Right. The scenario is this. I read out a scenario for Eli. We have to role play. The scenario is that you read out a scenario. See, you've done a talk. It's a redundant repetition you've used there. So just try one

more time, Paul. The game involves using mature and sensible decisions to get out of situations that could potentially make you mad. However, it's up to you, Eli, to fight those urges and don't get mad. Right? And just to let everyone know, because Paul

completely just didn't do this, it is a role-playing game. I said role-play game! I can't hear you. It's like your mouth moves, but I can't none of the words are... You've gone Charlie Brown's Christmas on me. Alright, okay, good. So, shall we do the first

one? Now, usually we'd roll a dice, take it at random. Let me just... Good place. I'm not playing this fucking game. I'm done. Oh, it's a fake walkout. He's gone down the corridor. Me? No, here he is.

Now he's doing it. I'm in your face. He's doing the in the face thing. Don't touch me. I'm not going to touch you. Why? Don't get mad. Okay, I won't get mad. I don't want to. I'm going to shit on you.'t touch me. I'm not going to touch you. Why? Don't get mad. Okay, I won't get mad.

I don't want to. I'm going to shit on you. I'm not doing anything. Because I'm trying to sell this podcast, genuinely, mate. It's like a good comedy show. And they say, well, listen to an episode.

What do you recommend? I don't recommend the don't get mad ones. Don't you? No, because you go, oh, shit, my pants. So, as well as not getting mad, Paul, am I trying to avoid shitting? I'd like you to avoid it.

In some cases, could you possibly not shit? Defecate. Okay. I will not be defecating. Who is this from? Stacey Watkins. Hello, she says. How about a couple in a car driving and one questions the other's driving?

Something like Maureen and Dave are embarking on their annual trip to sunny Skegness. Dave is driving along the motorway when Maureen is adamant that Dave has taken a wrong turn and that this part of the highway looks different from last year. Dave has drove this route since their silver wedding anniversary. Don't get mad. She wrote drove. Well, I think you should have the wherewithal

to do instant edits in your head, which you can't. Right, so we're both in a car together we're driving on our holidays at last a scenario that is actually you know something

god so you're driving Dave and I'm Maureen and I think you've done the wrong way oh alright there then. Yeah, what?

All right what? You're in the fucking car with me already. Why do you have to say all right? You don't. You just have to do a fucking stupid little micro word whenever you do a fucking accent. It gets me into the role. It does.

That's what it does. Anyway. I fucking hate you. Anyway, Dave. How long have we got to get till we get to Skeggy? I don't know, Maureen. I think it's another hour.

Hang on. Why don't you go up that road there, the A26? Because this is the route. It's not, though. We haven't been on the A26 before. Why are we on the A26 now? Listen, Maureen,

I'm telling you, I've driven this route. I've drove it the whole of my life. I know you drove it. I've been droving this. But I just don't think that's the right way. I'm pretty sure you should have taken the turn off there. No.

We're going to be stuck on this motorway for another hour now, aren't we? Until we can't get off. My mother was right about you. Oh, yes. What did she say? What did she fucking say? She says you don't take directions well. Oh, yes.

You know what? I do take a shit in your lunchbox. You will listen to me. Before this even started. I knew you were going to start this. You pre- this even started, I knew you were going to start this. You pre-ended my anger. I knew you were going to start nattering on me. I didn't take the bypass.

It's going to take us another hour. Listen, Maureen, I'm fucking sick of this. And you don't fucking ever get me off anymore. So what I've done is I've fucking... I'll tell you what I've done. I'll tell you what I've fucking done. Yeah? I'll tell you right now what I've fucking done.

I've fucking taken a huge shit in your lunch. And I've been doing it for years. I've been doing it for years. I've been eating poo neutraliser tablets that make my poo very neutral. Very, very, just a texture thing on the poo. And I've been taking big chains of poo into the Branston, because you know I don't like Branston pickle, and you've been spooning my shit onto your

sandwiches for years. How do you like that? You want another hour of that? You fucking bitch. Look, there's a castle. It's always the same every fucking year, isn't it? Well, I'm not going to listen.

Every fucking year we go to Skeggy and we have an argument in the car. Are we going to Skeggy now, are we? It was in the initial premise of the fucking thing set up. Jesus wept. I'm sorry. You know what it is, Maureen? What is it now then, Dave? I've battered my whole immune system and brain with lots of MDMA.

You know what? When we get to Skeggy, we'll get in separate rooms, I'm telling you that now because I'm sick of this attitude. And when we get home, I'm moving out and moving in with my sister, Kate.

I don't fucking care. And you know what else as well? You know what? You think I've been eating those sandwiches? You've been eating my shit. I've not though because you know what I've been doing?

What have you been doing? I've been collecting all your shits and making them into a giant man shit in the shape of you and I have sex with that

because it brings me more fucking pleasure than actually touching you it does touching a shit effigy of you is fucking more pleasurable to my twat

than it is to you you dirty horrible useless where are you going to get a job I've got a fucking job how do you think I pay for this car you fucking nicked it well that's you going to get a job I've got a fucking job you haven't got a fucking job how do you think I pay for this car

you've fucking nicked it well that's my job it is a job I'll give you that I'm moving out I'm getting out the car now you're not getting out the car I'm doing 80

I'm getting out the car she's dead good I fucking hated her this is without doubt the worst thing we've ever done maybe they'll listen to this and go, we're not going to do this again. The next one, as I read them, is by Alex Olney,

who you may know runs the Nintendo or is involved with the Nintendo Live YouTube channel. He's an avid listener and he supports us and he's a charming chap. He says he has a catchphrase. He goes, hello, lovely people, at the beginning of all his episodes. And it hasn't become tiresome yet, so well

done, Alex. Good, Paul. I like Alex a lot. He's a cool dude. Right, okay, so here's his scenario. Billy was upset that his girlfriend, Amy, bought a toy that was twice his size and now spends twice as long in the toilet. What should he say to Amy?

I'm going to need a little recap before we go into that one paul okay what on earth is going on but he's upset i mean i don't know how much he's projecting into this story right now she's in the loo with a toy i don't understand i think he's suggesting it's a bit of a toy i think that's what he's getting at so billy was upset that his girlfriend amy bought a toy that was twice his size oh i, I see. It is a sex toy. She's got a huge dildo. Basically,

I'm going to be Amy and you have to approach me and not get mad about the situation. I'm just going into the toilet love for no reason. I'm going in the toilet Billy. Bye. I'm twice as long in the toilet for some reason. Sleepy Bobo's time. Flush.

That's my toilet sound. Oh, that was good. How are you, Billy? All right, yeah. What's that? Nothing. It's just my little wash bag with my things in. It's about a metre long, your wash bag.

I've got a big mascara brush in there. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's very good, Billy. What else have you got in there? Dildo! Big old dildo! Paul, can we break the scene for a second? Yeah, okay, go on.

Your performance... Not good, is it? I'm not getting anything. I need you to be a bit more realistic. Okay, all on. Your performance... Not good, is it? I'm not getting anything. I need you to be a bit more realistic. Okay, all right. So that when we break the bounds... Okay. And I do eventually take a shit somewhere.

I mean, let's just face it. All right. Let's just admit that right now. So let's take it back to when you... I like the sound effects. It was good to build up. Until then. Okay, so let's go back into the scene.

You come out and just try and be a bit more naturalistic. That's what I'm saying. I not you know okay so oh i've gone to the toilet and i've cleaned my hands oh hello billy didn't know you were waiting there yeah what why were you uh in the toilet for so long i'm stuck in a dildo sorry that was my mistake i did it wrong again again. Just try not to... Next time. Yeah, okay. Oh, Billy, what are you doing? I'm just standing...

What are you doing standing there? I was listening to you. Yeah. Oh. Why were you in there so long? Oh, it was just... I had bowel problems. Ladies' problems.

Well, does your bowel make the noise of an outboard motor? It does. I've got very bad IBS and it comes out... Oh, it's terrible. Well, I've been quite insecure recently. This is what I wanted to talk to you about. Oh, why? The size of my penis.

Oh, it's quite small. It is. It reminds me of the smallest possible particle in the universe sat atop, but not inside the universe. Oh. It's that small.

Or you could call it a mung bean sitting on a pineapple. Oh. Or you could call it a rat shit on top of the Epcot centre. Oh. Or you could call it a very small penis. Well, I've often called it a very small penis. So I just was going to check with you because I know it's small. Yeah.

And I'm prepared to, you know, get my fingers into action and, you know, do other stuff. You just don't satisfy me, Billy. Well, what's that bulging phallic shaped thing? You don't need to worry about that. What is it? It's nothing. It's just... Let me see it.

It's a toothbrush. It's my toothbrush. We need to listen. I'm an electric toothbrush, Billy. Listen, Marjorie, whatever stupid name. Billy, it's my toothbrush. What's your name? Audrey.

Amy. Amy. Amy. See, this is why I have a fucking dildo, because you don't remember my name, Billy. Amy. Amy. Billy. Get it right.

Amy. It's me toothbrush. It's not your toothbrush. It's not. Billy. Get it right. Amy. It's my toothbrush. It's not your toothbrush. It's not. We both know it's a sex toy. Now get it out and we'll look. Just let me look at it. We need to be open.

Zip. It's a big one. It's all wobbly. My word, that is... That is... Shall I get it started? No, no, you don't have to start it. I can see the operation.

It's got huge hydraulic pumps running up the sides into the... whale vein, it says there. What? I can't do the scenario. You're too sheer. You're just doing the sound effects. It's good, though. It's character building.

All right. Here it is. It's me dildo. I'm going to try not to get mad. All right. Here it is. It's me dildo. I'm going to try not to get mad. All right. You're doing a good job. Now, Amy, that makes me feel insecure. Because that is a representation of a penis.

Yes. It's not just twice the size. No. It is at least 10,000 times bigger than my actual manhood. Is that what you need? That's what I need because you don't work for me anymore. Well, let's split up then. Alright.

I don't like the way you smell either. That's fine. I'll put that in there. But I don't mind because ultimately you have a very small penis. Well, some people value love over the size of their penis. I don't value love with you. I've struggled to... Well, you know what, Amy? What? You've missed out.

No, I haven't. You have. I've told all your friends. I was saving... I don't care. I don't have friends. I've told them. Who did you tell? No one? How can you tell no one something? Man in pub. You talk to him a lot. I do not talk to any man in pub. Baza? You talk to him in the pub? Baza. Baza in the pub? Baza in the pub. Yeah, you talk to him in the pub Baza in the pub

Yeah you talk to him about your small dick I do but he's not my friend So I don't care Now one thing I just want to leave you with this Because I'm not getting mad You don't know What you are missing now

Because I was just about To move our bedroom antics up a notch and I've frozen some of my shits and I was going to do that. Let me get this straight. No! You're not going to get anything

straight. I will not be getting it straight for you ever again. Alright? It's floppy. I'll probably have a constant flop on for the rest of my life. Give me that dildo, I'm going to bum myself with it. Go on, stick it in my arsehole.

I'm going, Paul. I hate this bit. What's the next scenario, man? You wanted to stick a frozen turd up a lady's front. That's what I took away from that. It wasn't getting mad.

You weren't you were giving me nothing. You were just doing stupid mouth noises. I was doing like that guy from Police Academy mouth effects.

Don Winslow. I was doing voice prompt comedy. Michael Winslow. Yeah. Doing the helicopter. That's not a good one. It's a good one.

Doing the car siren. Me more. That one. Doing... He never did huge dildo, did he? Doing the rap music, scratching discs. I am just as good as Michael Winslow. Here we go, another one.

So I'm going to write one out. Read one out from Alison. Not write one out. You put me off with your ugly face. Bad mood now. Fuck me. Here we go. Here's the situation.

You're in the fifth grade. What the fuck's the fifth grade? She's an American. So she's talking about school. Fifth grade of school. Yeah, I know what she's talking about, but what is that? It's being in school at a certain age. How old?

Am I a little baby? Or am I a teenager? Okay, Google. How old do you need to be to be in fifth grade? Here is some information for... Students are usually 10 to 11 years old. Okay, thank you. Unless they've been held back.

Thank you. And I'd imagine they've been held back Thank you And I'd imagine you'd be held back quite a bit Because you're a little bit special I'm not You are I didn't learn to read until I was eight It all came naturally I guess at that age perhaps I was

Between then it was like Sign Are you making fun of children with learning disabilities here? Well, apparently I am. Yes, you are. I'm not happy with that. I expected more of me. I was merely talking about not being able to recognise words. So what if you're in a burning building and you didn't know which way out because

you didn't know what a fire exit was? How would you know? It's a bit reckless to not teach kids things like that. Is that what you think? Yeah. Warning. You don't know what that sign is? Do not pass this. You must be this high. All those kind of signs you need to read at a certain age. In my school, they had illustrations of gnomes

who were hollow from behind pointing to the way out. Your backstory is complicated. I know. I'm a rich individual. Anyway, here's their scenario. With a rich, fruity aroma. Here is their scenario. You're in the fifth grade

and you're auditioning for the lead in a school play. Oh, that's all right. So you're 10 or 11 in school auditioning for a play. I was very precocious at that age about being in plays. You're supposed to sing a song of your choice at the audition, but you hear your best friend who is auditioning right before you sing your signature song. I'm just a girl who can't say no.

And you are furious, but you have to go to the room next. What do you do? Okay, so we're going to play this out. You're going to come onto the stage.

The first kid has just gone off. Yeah. Right, so... I'm just a girl who can't say no. That's not how that song ends. It is. It's something like that.

It's from Pirates of the Penzance or something, isn't it? Yes. Yeah? Or it's one of those... Doesn't she say, I'm in a terrible fix? Something like that. Anyway, that kid goes off, and now you come onto the stage, and I'm the judge, and I'm the auditioner. Right, okay, Eli, you're up next.

I hope you have a unique song that hasn't been done yet before. Well, the thing is... Yes? Gertrude, who was here just now... Yes, Gertrude who was here just now Yes Gertrude was very good She sang I'm just a girl who can't say no Which is a bit mature for her as a ten year old That was going to be my song

That's inconvenient Do you have another song in your back pocket Maybe that you could sing instead No I only learnt that song As a professional actor you should really I'm a ten year old I'm not a professional actor You have to take it seriously as a child. You still have to take it seriously, even at that age.

You seem about quite abusive. I am quite abusive. This is why I'm a drama teacher, because I was not allowed to do maths. Well, you're admitting that in an audition, that you're an abusive teacher, are you? I was verbally abusive. I've got a tape recorder. I'll tell you what, I've got a tape recorder. I was verbally abusive.

Well, just do your audition. Do your audition and maybe you'll get the star role. Could I just hear you say, I'm an abusive drama teacher one more time? I'm an abusive drama teacher one more time. I've got that on tape. Yeah, well, so? I'll just take it off you in a minute.

So I can't do, I can't do. But sir, I can't do. You could have blackmailed me then to get the role with the tape and you didn't think that through. So I'm going to dock a point off for that. I'm going to put points into this don't get mad scenario. So minus two points already for not looking at a loophole. So anyway, going in.

Yes. So do you have another song you could sing for us, for Mrs. Bananas on the piano? Now, Mrs. Bananas. I'm Mrs. Bananas. Now, Mr. Cannon Yes, that's my name I don't have another song, I don't know what to do

Then you can't possibly audition for this role But I really want the role and I've been working on it for months You can't, unfortunately Look, there's Gertrude giggling off at the side Because she knew on purpose that you were going to do it No, Gertrude wasn't to know that I was, you know What? So I'm not going to be

I think she did, no Are you some kind of provocateur in this situation? I am. You're not coming across very convincing as a teacher. I'm an abusive teacher, remember? I'm not going to blackmail you with that sad. I'm going to blackmail you with this actual instance of you

sticking your finger at my arsehole. What? And Mrs Bananas I'm Mrs Bananas! You'll back me up on this, Mrs Bananas, won't you? I'm Mrs Bananas. That's all that you say. I'm Mrs Bananas. Right, okay.

Now, I'll give it a go, Mr Gannon, but just know, if I don't get the part, you are going to the nick, son. Okay, all right. Well then, what song are you going to sing? This is a song called I'm Gonna Take My Bum Out and Do a Shit. Are you ready?

Yes. And Mrs Bananas, take it away. I'm gonna take my bum out, do a shit. I'm going to take my bum out. Do a shit. I'm going to take my bum out. Okay, I've heard enough. I've heard enough. I'm Mrs Bananas. Yes, I know. Thanks, Mrs Bananas. I think I got it.

Well, against all odds, you have secured the role. Yay. You will be playing the Elephant Man in The Elephant Man. Yay. What's Gertrude going to be playing? Gertrude will be playing with my dick.

No. Okay, no. No, I'm sorry. Yeah. What's Gertrude going to be playing? Gertrude will be playing with my dick. No. Okay. No. No. I'm sorry. You. It's you gone too far. I went too far.

You've gone way too far this time. I think we can both. I think we both let ourselves down there. Yeah, we did. Yeah. All right. So, Alison, that was a thank you for that. Can we never do this again?

I want to. I just. Listen. People listening to this podcast right now. We are never doing Don't Get Mad again ever I think it was

it ran out of steam at the first time didn't we say we'd never do it again after the second time yeah but now I'm literally drawing a line

we're gonna go for Patreon but that's it we're never doing Don't Get Mad again until we get desperate and then we have to do it alright like for the 100th.

But mate... I know. It makes me die inside. It makes me die inside. Especially the way you're a terrible improviser. I'm not! You are! Let's just do a scene. Don't get mad scene, okay?

Just try and be funny. I'll start the scene. Hello, Paul. Hello, Eli. How are you? I'll start the scene, yeah? Yeah. Hello, Paul. Hello, Eli. How are you? That's shit. No, it's not. I'm setting up a conversational start.

Hello, Paul. Hello, Eli. How are you? That's not... I need you to establish some kind of interesting scenario. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, go on. Hello, Paul. I've lost me leg.

Oh, it's dropped off. I've got it here. It's spewing blood everywhere. It's not spewing blood. What it's spewing is diarrhoea, which I've filled my leg. Oh, it's dropped off. I've got it here. It's spewing blood everywhere. It's not spewing blood. What it's spewing is diarrhoea, which I've filled it with, with my squirty bum ring. That's what you wanted, cheapskates.

That's what you wanted. That's what you fucking got. Well, once the fourth wall is removed, it becomes all too clear. What about the third mall? Darth Mall well thank you for listening to Cheap Show it's been another

lovely episode I think I think it's probably the low point of my life of your life and my life but we got through it together because we are

a podcast couple so thank you for supporting us on Patreon if indeed you still want to after that thank you. So thank you for supporting us on Patreon, if indeed you still want to after that. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. And you can see, Paul, although your beard is gone because it was disturbingly making you

psychologically identify with Noel Edmonds. Yes. My beard is coming through again. It's quite nice again. So you can offer nozzles as promised. Window nozzles. Face nozzles. No.

No? I don't want other people around when I do my nozzle work.. Window nuzzles. Face nuzzles. No. No? I don't want other people around when I do my nuzzle work. Genital nuzzles. When I do my nuzzle work in the night, Paul. It has to be secret. Yes.

You're like the Banksy of nuzzling. I am. And there could be a whole crew of me. Wanksy. I'll accept that. Good. Yeah. So if you want to support us on Patreon,

no matter how little you give, no matter how much you give, we appreciate it. It's helped us out immensely. I think we should mention, because you just made a promise, that if you do support us on Patreon, you will have access to a whole vault of

Don't Get Mad scenarios. Yes, that will be coming in the fullness of time. We promise. If you donate $10 or more, you get our special Patreon podcasts. Okay. Interesting. That's the tier level, $10, is it? Yeah, more you get our special Patreon podcasts okay interesting is that the that's the tier level $10 is it

yeah to get all the special Patreon podcasts and I haven't even and they are so exclusive listener yeah I haven't even heard the latest one

no you're not going it had some on location stuff give me a tenner you can hear it I'll give you a fucking tenner

yeah I know give me a tenner you can hear it I'll take a shit in the tenner then I'll give it your fucking tenor. Yeah, I know. Give me a tenor. You can hear it. I'll take a shit in the tenor, and then I'll give it to you. I'm your fucking shit improviser. Let me think of a funny scenario. It involves poo in my arse. Yeah, that's good. I do that 18 times.

You're the hack, mate. I'm not the hack. Not me. You're the hack. You're the hack. You're the hack. You worked with psychics, as if they were real. As if they were real. You didn't come out and go, that's obvious bullshit. You're the hack You worked with psychics As if they were real But I was the skeptic on the show That made me say You didn't come out and go

That's obvious bullshit I would have lost my job Exactly I know I was compromised You were a shill Yeah You were a dirty shill If I'd been paid

You were metaphorically Taking it from Derek Okora Right in your mouth Mary loves dick Right so Patreon Brilliant Thank you Thank you very much Honestly From Derek Okora. Right in your mouth. Mary loves Dick. Right, so... Patreon, brilliant. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Honestly. Thank you. This is my real honest voice. Yeah, no, go on. Honestly, everyone, I love it when you give me money. So, also you can follow us on Twitter, at The Cheap Show Pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show.

I am Eli Snoid on Twitter. That is E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. We have a Facebook page. You can follow us on there. We have a Reddit page. We have a bit of discussion, a bit of a banter as well on there as well. It's reddit.com forward slash r forward slash cheap show. That's fantastic.

What else do we have? We have Modal Jazz. The website, thecheapshow.co.uk for lots of lovely little videos and pictures and clips and all sorts of things that I associate with these episodes what else what else what else what else if you like rock music and you are into something a bit unusual

I have started a super group incoherent earring whose first album open the sluices will be coming later this year so prick up your ears for that that will be coming because it's a fictional thing that you just made up on the spot to be funny and ultimately weighed the episode down with a bit of a thud.

Do you know what weighs the episode down for? Yeah, go on, what is it? Apart from your hubris. Oh. Yes. Stanley Hubris, that's me. The director of Hubris, Stanley Hubris. Apart from your hubris, it's you trying to hurry me on.

You go, oh, You go Oh come on Come on And most of the stuff That you You're doing it now I'm doing it now Can't wait to end this episode Thanks everyone for listening

Thank you for listening We're on Facebook We're on Twitter We're on Reddit We're on Tumblr We're on Instagram We're all everywhere Come follow us

Come join the Cheapskate family And I just want to say That I love you all and I really mean it. Do you mean it? Do I mean what? That you love our listeners. Well, not in a sexual way. I love them in all in a sexual way.

Would you like to have sex? Imagine your mind could be merged. Yeah. With that of like a sci-fi. Yeah. Would you like to have the experience of having sex with hundreds of individuals at once? At once? Yeah.

Yeah. Weirdo. No. I'd also like to have a brain swap with someone so I would know what it would be like to have sex with me. So I'd be in their body and then I'd be looking at me bashing it. Boom, boom, boom. Let me hear you say, That would be unpleasant.

Way-oh, way-oh. I want to see what my cum face looks like from the opposite way. I have a little prediction. I think it's like this. No one can see that. I know, that's why I'm from the opposite way. I have a little prediction. I think it's like this. No one can see that. I know, that's why I'm showing it to you. I have a little prediction. I think that the coming age of artificial intelligence and superior god-like computers

will be an unending nightmare. Right, good. On that cheery note, that was Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen. We'll see you next time goodbye