CheapShow - Ep 72: Spunky Bun

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

"Can I have a vowel please Carol?" And with those immortal words, CheapShow dives into another TV show board game classic as the cheap chaps play a round or two of Countdown! One that doesn't go according to someone's very particular plans! Before all that though, there are many things to enjoy first! Marvel as Paul & Eli discuss the bliss of owning a Generation Game toy! Fear their chat on being a superhero with an erection problem. Howl at the moments where Paul gets to slap his co-host. Buckle up and get ready for more shocking Tales from the Shop Floor... And finally, bow your heads in respect at the altar of The League of Snacks as we add three more snacks to this most sacred of leagues! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Today's episode of Cheap Show is proudly sponsored by McDonald's Fast Food Restaurant. It is. It is. It is McDonald's Restaurant. What do you mean it's not working? You can't have a real corporate entity. There's all sorts of issues with that. Really? All right. Today's episode of Cheap Show is proudly sponsored by the good team of Billy Bob's Knackers Yard. Billy Bob's Knackers Yard, the best place to put all your scrap metal

just off the highway between Route 101 and the Chippy. Cut. I won't do that then. I can't be funny. I'm not a funny man. No, when you try, you're not. So I should try less.

You give me a company and I'll advertise it. Think of a company name and I'll advertise it and you be witty and I'll advertise it. Cedarwood Vinegar Extracts. Cheap Show is proudly sponsored by Cedarwood Vinegar Extracts. The best vinegar extract you can get for your chips.

Why not have them on a nice fish and chip dinner bought from Barry's Chip Shop up the high road. Or maybe use your vinegar on a lover's partner's chuff and pour vinegar all over her big tits. Is that all right?

Is that funny? It wasn't. Is that good? I giggled, but only because of the lameness. If you use the cheap show code vinegar tits, you can get 20% off your next order of cedarwood naturally extracted vinegar. It's not vinegar. The very best vinegar on the market.

I'm looking online now, Paul. Cedarwood vinegar extracted vinegar. It's not vinegar. The very best vinegar on the market. I'm looking online now, Paul. Cedarwood vinegar extracts are actually extracts of vinegar used in industrial processes for stripping fish carcasses. You can also use it for that and put it on your chips as well. It's multi-purpose and we're proud to be associated with Cedarwood Industries. All right? Happy? No. All right?

I mean, not just unhappy with this situation in my life i'm quite unhappy good that's what we want that's the version of eli we need for this show to be successful the sad desperate lonely feculent bored angry impotent anger of Eli J Silverman. We need this. And with that in mind, channel it into the intro. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time again for your oral pleasure dome to be infiltrated with me, Eli Silverman. I'm not just a co-host. I'm the main host of Cheap Show. No, you're not.

You're a host of Cheap Show at best. You're not. You're a host of Cheap Show at best. You're part host. Host number one, Eli Silverman, introducing you to Cheap Show. It's the show. It's the economy. God, it'd be beautiful. You are shit. Paul, you're not funny.

You're not funny, but you're not funny. But you're not funny, but you're not funny, Paul. Anyway, I'm going to say something now, which is good. Comedy, economy, I've fucked it. I've fucked it, but I'm still great in my brain, because if reality gets it, I'm done for. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Eli Silverman here, the good one.

And it's Cheap Show time again. Now, hurry up. Time for Cheap Show time again. Now... Hurry up. Time for Cheap Show. Here's Paul Gannon. He's shit and not funny. I've got to play this out, you prick. You don't have to play it out. I do. You can hear it. Vagina.

It's getting there. Here we go then we can start the show it's time for it's time time time time

it's time for the show called cheap show cheap show it's the cheap show boom hey you and your fucking noodle posse

people love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. Hi Paul that has to be one of the worst Welcome to Geek Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Hi Paul. That has to be one of the worst intros of all time. I think it is. Shall we just start again? Let's just start again. No, I'm keeping it all in its gold.

Go on then, if you can do a really good intro now, we'll use that. Go on then, if you can do a really good intro now, we'll use that. Ladies and gentlemen, hello. Eli Silverman here, and I am hosting another episode of Cheap Show. And here's a little clue of what's coming up on the show, everybody. Yes, it's that familiar sound of the countdown timer. Here's Paul Gannon, everyone. He'll say something now. I'm Paul Gannon. I'm about to introduce Cheap Show 2 to the sound of the countdown clock, which will be featured in the show at a later date.

At a later date or on this date? Isn't 30 seconds really long? It's quite hard when you have to fill the whole thing. It's really hard. Let's start the show now. It's Cheap Show. Cheap Show. True. That was even worse.

That was worse. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. My name is Paul Gannon and that is Eli Silverman. It's the economy comedy podcast for your ears. We, in every episode, go to the bargain bins, the charity shops, the pound lands of Great Britain and we bring back a treasure trove of awful or awesome things and we give you our valid opinion. And it is valid. It is a very valid. We are the premier podcast in the world that talks about thrifty items and bargains and living on the cheap. On fleek for cheap?

We are on fleek for cheap, yo. Hizzy in the house, diggity dog. That is me, Daddy Cool, coming at you, Cleopatra. So, what have you got coming up on the show today, Eli? I haven't got the piece of paper, which has that written down on it. Yeah, but I've told you a number of times today and yesterday and in an email. So, I thought you might remember what's in this episode. Have a guess.

Have a guess. What do you think the first item is? And every time you get it wrong, I slap your bare arm. We're going to start the show today, Paul, with Tales from the Shop Floor. You are correct. Now, this is the section where you, the listener, send in amusing anecdotes. Very amusing anecdotes. About your experiences working in or even visiting... Poo.

Shops. It's mostly poo, though, we've had so far. Is there any poo coming up today? There might be a bit of poo. Okay. Just for the record... I'm prepared for that. You're prepared for poo. Or that on a for the record. I'm prepared for that. You're prepared for poo.

Or that on a t-shirt. I'm prepared for poo. Prepare for poo. I think that would be a good sort of general warning for our podcast. A general warning really. So what is the second item coming up? The second item today is

Oh he's looking round the room for clues ladies and gentlemen. He's panicked. Mi casa, su casa? You're wrong. Oh. Oh. Ah! That really hurt.

It hurt good, though. It hurt good, Paul. Actually, I'm feeling alive now. Oh, good. The sting is going up my arm. Oh, I got it wrong on purpose, Mr. Gannon. Smack me. Oh, what is it?annon smack me what is it

come on what is it it's not me Cassidy it's not no that's that's another episode so have a little thing

what maybe is a segment of the show we've introduced that we're looking forward to doing again this will only be the second time we're doing this

I believe so yes I'm at a loss I'm sorry do you want to pass yes that also counts as a smack

no no no but yes not ah oh I nearly got your ass straight oh oh

oh I've had an accident oh don't get dirty what is it then Paul it is League of Snacks ah the League of Snacks and then what are we ending

today's show with um we like to play games here we do on the cheap show Paul and today we're going for an absolute stonking classic A classic Of British culture

Of British television, game show, TV show culture Absolutely, it is Countdown It is the don, one of the dons of the game show world in the UK It really has a There are a few classics, aren't there? We could talk about Bullseye I know you're going to say that I know, but R.I. RIP Jim Bowen.

Yes. Not so much RIP Eric Bristow. Just for the record. Really? He's a bit nasty, man. Towards the end of his life he said some horrible, hateful things

that I don't agree with. Racist things. A little bit, yeah. And sexist. And, you know, just general, general horribleness. Sort of toxic masculinity.

A little bit. And then you've got your teleaddicts or your blockbusters. You know, blockbusters. I don't think teleaddicts or your blockbusters. Blockbusters. I don't think teleaddicts... Was teleaddicts a really big deal? Well, it was a big deal,

but not maybe as big a deal as the blockbusters. I think in terms of the most famous... British specifically. Generation Game? Very British. Yeah. Yeah, that's very much a game... We should do something like the Generation Game at one point, shouldn't we?

We could definitely do something with the conveyor belt of items. We could. Formulating thoughts. We haven't done a TV game show board game special in a while. Let's do the Generation Game on that. We'll try and make that work. We'll have to come up with the rules ourselves. Because I don't believe there was ever a Generation Game board game, was there?

I bet there was. Shall I have a little look? Yes. Because I'm actually keen to know. Because if I could get that with the Patreon money, potentially. Thank you, Patreon people, for giving us money that help us make this show. Literally helps us make this show now.

It really does. Now, Paul is being very coy, but we are on a whole new technical setup here in the House of Pickles. The second episode we've done, it's working out very well. We've got pop shields. We've got a little mic stand there. We've got a new Zoom recorder, which we're using with XLR input

mate there was a generation game board game 1975 that would be an antique which would probably be outside the fiscal bounds of what we are there's one on Amazon shall I have a look Bruce Forsyth generation game

vintage, oh currently unavailable but by Denny's I don't Denny's Fisher which is the company I've never heard of before so there might be one on the pictures make it look interesting

it's got like a kind of I don't know it's all look at that it looks like a really good board game it looks like an excellent board game it's got a clock on it okay well look

we'll just put the feelers out see if we can get hold of that maybe it might be quite a while before we do. Some balls and a couple of tricks maybe you have to perform? Now, but there are a lot of... I really want this fucking ball game. I know, it looks good, I have to say.

It looks like... Marvellous. So, there are a lot of game shows that came across from the States, though, like Blankety Blank. Yeah, which is a match game, wasn't it? Was there a version yeah and the price of the price is right and wheel of fortune yes pyramid game yes um in fact and these days game shows are a huge international conglomerate things aren't they they have versions in almost every country of like the popular formats these days don't they someone on twitter

sent me a picture of board games this was in a charity shop that I would love to get my hands on. One is Are You Being Served? The board game. How the fuck does that even work? Roll a six and make a pussy joke. My pussy was sopping wet this morning! You know, or they also had

the Dad's Army board game, which I can kind of see how that might work. Kind of see. Board games based on sitcoms. Very strange. There's an Only Fools and Horses board game. I'd love to see how those work. Yes. You just fucking tuned out completely there. I haven't tuned out.

You weren't even looking at me. You were too busy lighting your cigarette. Listen. Yeah? You were very laid back all of a sudden. I'm just trying a different thing for this week's episode. Oh yeah. You're just going to do laid back chilli life. I'm just going to be my normal, charming self. Yeah. And I think you should, Paul.

Okay. You should dial it down. Let's just have a mellow time. Let's have a mellow one. Yeah. Oh. All right. I like that.

So, coming up first is Tales from the Shop Floor. Yeah. See if you can spot at the beginning of the story the one that involves scat because fingers crossed we'll have a little bit of scat action there will be a fragment of scat action all coming up on the show today here we go take it away.

Okay, so this is a segment that has become a bit of a favourite of mine, Paul. Tales from the Shop Floor. This is where our darling, dearest listeners... Cheapskates, they've called themselves. They're the Cheapskate Army. And they have sent in stories that have happened to them and we give them a little bit of a telling yes we tell them and i i do a bit of a crit you do a bit of a crit a tell and a crit shower shit and a crit yes there we go

so let's get straight into it no more banter preamble nonsense let's get straight into the meat and guts hit me with it baby i will this one comes from a chap called sam bevan hello sam hi sam hello cheap show pals oh lovely he says pals uh my name is sam wasn't that a dog food pal yes and chum yes was there one called friend no well i don't know i don't know there might be there might have been in america there's like my buddy for your dog he's gonna love that marabou jelly goodness you got to have buddy thanks i liked it my name is sam and i'm a big fan of the show i have just a selection of mini tales for you about when i worked in greg's oh gannon likes greg's gannon likes Greggs. Gannon

likes Greggs. I might go there for me brekkie every once in a while. Treat myself to a £2.25 meal breakfast deal where you get a latte and you get a bacon or sausage bap or maybe both if you're feeling crazy. Now I was brought up in London

and of course I prefer Pret. Of course you fucking do, you wretched turd. Oh, I like Pret. I'm just trying to be honest, Paul. Anyway, you scum. So he was 18 when he worked in Greggs. As most people do with their first job, they'll get a job in a Greggs or a Maccy D's or a BBK's.

I worked in Maccy D's. Oh, did you? Two weeks, yeah. Was it fun? The guy said, I've just finished my GCSEs. Yeah. And the manager sat me down at the end of the interview and said, you're overqualified. Oh, that's the only time in your life you've ever heard that sentence.

I know. That was it. That's probably my highest point. He peaked. Someone said, you're too good for this moment in time. Well, he said I was overqualified. He didn't say too good. Well, same difference

Okay so Firstly I had a supervisor who told me As I was putting bread rolls into those little plastic bags To not put my hands inside the bag As so not to get my spores in the bags Oh yeah His spores Now that's scientifically inaccurate

Is it? Yeah spores are fungi. Mould and mushrooms and things have spores. Yes. Because that's how they inseminate the world around them. That's true. Yes. But plants and things will have seeds.

Oh. I think. Or sometimes spores. Yeah. Anyway, what he's referring to is germs, of course. Well, he's being Ponty the supervisor, isn't he? Don't get your spores in your bread rolls.

Mr Bevan should have taken it to task. Actually, I don't have spores because I'm not some kind of giant fucking walking mushroom, am I? Yeah, true. Do I look like a tiled stool? Yeah. Secondly, I would frequently get high with the manager

and masturbate during my breaks well. Okay. Well, now I'm on your supervisor's side. Yeah. Because now it's not so sports. That is your spore. That is. That is actually your liquid spore, mate.

Yeah. You're chucking your spores all over your bread rolls. I do not want to eat your cum in my bread rolls. No one does. Well, some people might. Some people might, but maybe on request.

I bet in Japan, right, there's a vending machine. No, there's not a spunking bread roll. Spunky bun. There's not a spunky bun vending machine. Super spunking bun. Cheap show is brought to you by spunky bun vending machines.

They'll probably get schoolboys to spunking bun. Cheap show is brought to you by spunky bun vending machines. They'll probably get schoolboys to spunking buns. It's not the only seed this bap's made out of. Thank you. High five. Come on. Yeah. Come on. It's happening now.

It's happening. I'm getting the juices. Here we go. Mate, don't wank at work. Well. Have you ever wanked at work? Oh, yeah. What? In the toilet well obviously not at your desk no i wouldn't know i wouldn't do that at the call center when i've never been at work and gone oh i'm really horny need to bash one out

sometimes i that's i don't know people are different but sometimes i get super horny it's when i'm tired i mean a lot of people get this when they're hung over and so that's like you said before hugh grant had it yeah hugh grant has the hangover horn yes and he said it's some kind of excuse it's not an excuse it's not an excuse for his actions no it's not at all no because you can make a decision one way or the other about your actions be responsible for them hugh grant we're gonna have words you could have a wank couldn't you instead of going to a prostitute. Or, you know, buy a lovely sex toy. Yes.

Jam your meat in a lovely plastic fanny. So, there was one occasion recently where I was returning from the States and to save money, I'd done two flights. So, I was going to Lagos. Okay. And then fly from there back to the UK. Lagos and Portugal, then back to the UK.

And I landed in Lagos at six in the morning. I'd decided to get pissed before I got on that flight. Big mistake. And, you know, because your hangover comes on. And then I was in Lagos airport and it was like five in the morning. It was empty. And I was like, I have a stalk on that is going to kill me. I'm so horny.

Right. Wow. It was overwhelming. Yeah. Like I could, I hadn wow. It was overwhelming. Yeah. I couldn't, I hadn't. It was raging. Yeah. It was like an actual ache. It was a proper internal ache. Was it an achy one? Yeah, I've had them. Weird, but it's not because I just met someone who turned me on or anything.

It just seemed to be my physiological condition. Do you know what I mean? I went through a habit in my 20s and I don't know why it doesn't happen anymore, but if I had a really long yawn, I'd have an erection afterwards. Really? Yeah, I'd go... That's weird. That could be a superhero. No, what?

That's my magic power. Hard on, man. What am I going to do with that? It's like Popeye. He's like, oh, you know, put on some daytime TV to make myself bored, so I yawn and then my... Then I get a wanker.

That's completely... That's such a bad super talent to have. Oh, my wife's on fire. Hang on, I've just got to watch Lorraine for five fucking minutes. Here we go. Oh, Lorraine Kelly. Oh, me ache. Oh, I'm ready to go.

Oh, everyone's dead. And I couldn't do anything with my cock anyway. What, I put a fire out with an erection? How? I can think of one very obvious way, Paul. Swing him round and make a fan. That wasn't what I was thinking. What were you thinking?

Of spunk loads. Yeah. Spunk will put out a fire. If it was a massive load and it was icy cold. We're talking about a superhero here. I found out today about spunk. That every load that you give in or give out whatever you want to call it is like over something like one terabyte of information ah interesting but the genetic information every sperm is something like 2.5 gigabytes of

information so a full load is like a couple of terabytes or something yes yeah if you wrote the code down of you yeah the dna it would be that much information on a hard drive. It would be information on a hard drive, but I could just generate that information just by just... Having a wank. Yeah, by just smacking a keyboard. Yeah, you could. Because in that definition of information,

this is what people get confused by. This is what the creationists say about DNA. They say it's information encoded in the DNA. Yeah. But information in that... It's not something you can hack. No. No, it's...

In that sense, all the information is is sort of difference in a sequence. Yeah. So, for example, if I put 1, 1, 1, 1... Yeah. And then next to that I put 1, 1, 2, 1... Yeah. The second series has more information in it. Yeah. And then next to that, I put 1121. The second series has more information in it. Yes.

But it has no meaning. It has no quantitative value. Exactly. Right. Do you know what I'm getting at? Yeah. Now, he also says he got high at work. Now, I used to have a job in a health food shop. The guy was a real hippie.

Yeah, so... I want to apologise for this, basically. Oh, OK. I used to steal huge amounts of his ricotta when I was packing it and he used to leave his dope in a tin at the back

it was some lovely hash I mean what am I going to do well you could be like a human being and not steal I stole it how much did you have take a little bit and smoke so you wouldn't maybe notice little bit? No, just, you know, take a little bit and smoke it. Yeah. So, so that you wouldn't maybe notice.

Yeah. Little chips away. You didn't just take it. Until one day it's empty. Like, oh, I don't remember this. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway, so secondly,

okay, so you said the masturbation thing. Thirdly, I once got my knob out underneath my little apron and went about like that the whole day serving customers and that,

just for the sexual thrill, I got fired from that job. Cheers, guys. Keep up the good work. Well, good, frankly. He's left the most problematic aspect till last there, quite cleverly. He's a sex pest. Yeah. He's a man who wangs you on his brakes high, puts bread in your back with spores all over him,

and then has his knob out behind his apron at Greg's. Yeah. Mate, I like Greg's. You've ruined Greg's for me. You wouldn't want to have to think about someone having their bare knob out under their apron at Greg's. I shouldn't have to think that. But now, now I don't know.

No. I would never do that. Thank you for that, Simon. Sam. Mr Bevan. Mr Bevan. Well, out of 10, what would we rate that letter we're not rating

I'm going to rate him six five okay this next one is from Patrick Devonshire hello Patrick

and it's quite the long one so we'll try not to do too many are you telling me to shut up no I'm just saying we'll try and be a bit more focused on it because you know we'll try and read it properly

hello my name is Zach and i've wait is that patrick says patrick devonshire but it says hello my name is maybe he's known as zach this one's from zach zach trick patrick and zach zach trick that's what i've decided um my name is zach and i have a tale from the shop floor for you it's not from a charity shop but I think you'll enjoy. We can accept it. We can accept it. Shop floor is

as general as it can sound. We can have Poundland. What wouldn't work on Tales from the Shop Floor if they worked in Harrods? Yes, we're not in... Unless they've got a really good story

about some of the shit in Harrods. I had a shit in the cheese counter. I had to poo neck around the back of the crispy cream donut machine i flung my soggy shit at the statue of lady diana something like that something classy like that i used to work in a co-op the rule for most shops in the uk is that on a sunday you can't sell alcohol before a certain time this particular cop was on a very

let's say low income estate fair enough okay that he also happened to live in at the time there were a lot of alcoholics who came in at opening

6am they were literally like banging on the door to buy booze and they left very disappointed this is about the tale of one man

who didn't want to take no for an answer I like the set up you know what he hooked me in with a little bit of preamble and then it's like but here's the narrative little sizz. I like the set up. You know what? He hooked me in with a little bit of preamble and then it's like but here's the narrative.

Little sizzler. I like that. Take note future people writing in. Class it up. Right. The man was smelly. He reeked of vomit.

He had a very sad looking lady who was with him wherever he went. It's 8am on a lovely spring Sunday and I had five hours left on my shift. He's very good with his words

I like him He paints quite a nice picture doesn't he Yes Looking forward to having a nice drink in the sun later Yes But this man wanted his drink Now The sun had just risen

And I'm not shitting you I could smell him coming down the aisle before I saw him. He was wearing the classic outfit that was stained jumper, tracksuit bottoms and carrying four packs of Stella Artois. Wow. Oh, two four packs of Stella Artois. Yeah, you need to get your Stella Artois. You need to get him going.

Also known as Wife Beater in the UK. Nice. Stella Artois. Also a name of a vest in America, like the vest that Die Hard wears. He's a Wife beater. I know I perfectly call him Die Hard at the moment now, I don't know why. But yeah, he wears what they call a wife beater vest. Because it carries

the association with a type of abuse. Ha ha ha ha ha, let's crack on. Paul, one thing. Yeah. I know I said I wouldn't distract. No, no, you can distract, but make it a value. It's a Die Hard question. Yeah. Does anyone say the words Die Hard in the Die Hard film? No.

Not as far as I remember. No one said, well, he died hard, or, you know. They don't do that. I don't want to die hard today. Yeah. I think it was because Die Hard was a last minute alteration to the title of the film. Which was?

I don't know. But I think it came quite late in production. I think. I don't really know. It sounds like one of those sort of committee-speak names that they've just come up with. Because what does it mean, die hard? It means nothing.

It means... At least a lethal weapon meant the character's a lethal weapon. You know? But who is the lethal weapon? Who is die hard? John McClane. Well, does he die hard? Because it comes from the old...

It's hard for him to die. No, it's... It's hard to kill him. Old habits die hard. That's where it comes from. Oh. That phrase. it comes from. Oh. That phrase. So,

maybe what they're saying is you can't be offbeat and have it on a holiday. You have to be a cop and save the day. Old habits die. That's what I would stretch the imagination to.

It's a bit of a stretch. It's a bit of a stretch. Let's return to the main body. Let's return to the story. Yes. So anyway, he turns up

with two full packs of Stella Artois. He gets to the till and I told him he'd have to wait another two hours before I could legally sell him the alcohol He did not like that What do you mean? He said, I need it I apologised to him politely

but reminded him of the law He started by cursing the coalition who were in power at the time and then the Queen and then Co-op and then he turned on me. From what I could tell, he was going through the five stages of grief. He'd done with denial, finished with anger, and was now moving on to bargaining. He leaned in as if to tell me a secret, and I promptly leaned back. One, because I didn't want to get attacked, and two, because he really stunk.

He offered me double the price for the beer but there was nothing I could do. I'll have a way. I'll have a way. I'll pay you double. I mean, it's quite sad. This man's obviously an alcoholic. An alcoholic's got a serious problem.

Alcoholism is a serious problem. Eli, alcoholism's a serious problem. Yeah, what are you trying to say? Come on, mate. I'll pay you double for a beer. One more beer, mate.

Come on. You don't, listen, you don't have to be an alcoholic to be prepared at the end of the night to perhaps shell out a bit more for a beer you know you want to get what you want you bit it on a tear and you think i just need that one more cool cool beer okay so anyway the story continues the whole time his wife is going malcolm, not again. Let's go. We've got vodka at home. Oh, God. Then he regressed into a child-type tantrum.

It was almost like Eli's resolutions to don't get mad. Yeah. What with left shitting. Yeah, thankfully. The man didn't weep, but I could see tears. He then collapsed to the floor and said he'd wait there until I could sell him the beer. Wow. Wow. He was then promptly removed by our security guard. He'd have to the floor and said he'd wait there until I could sell him the beer. Wow. Wow.

He was then promptly removed by our security guard. He'd have to, really. Yeah. He sat outside in the shop in the little park we had out the front, and I occasionally checked to see if he was there. And his wife? And he was for two hours with his poor lady friend trying to get him home. I mean, that's really what's coming out of this story,

is the poor woman needs to leave this guy. Well, but some people are just tied together there's an addiction there they are it's sad ten o'clock rolls around and he waddles back into the shop

and buys his beer and then he finds me in the aisles and triumphantly waves a four pack in my face as if he'd won he sat in the park again

and had two cans and they both went away. Hey, you got me drink. I didn't drink that day and nor have I ever drunk again after that display. Thank you for reading. Love the show. P.S.

Tried Mama Creamy Shrimp Tom Yum and it was lovely. Thanks, Eli. It's a good one. But there's some contention there because Mark Allen, whose noodle reviews you can see on our Reddit page, there because Mark Allen whose noodle reviews you can see on our Reddit page insists on grating his

own solid block of cocoa of coconut butter I think they call it or something into a plain Tom Young shrimp flavour and he says that gives it the milkiness the creaminess but I don't need to go to that

anyway it's a debate that's open so he's The talkiness, the creaminess. Oh. But I don't need to go to that. X lengths. Anyway, it's a debate that's open. So it's one mark for me on the Creamy Tom Young side. It is it now. I found that story quite poignant. It was quite well told, well done. It was. But it didn't have a lot of humour until the end.

The triumphalism of the alcoholic at the end, even though he hadn't won in any way, he'd lost. We'd all lost. Society was lost from that. You know what? I think it's time to cheer us up with one last story. Let's do it, Paul.

Because I think this one is going to bring a little smile to those weary eyes of yours, Mr Silverman. By a process of deduction, I now know, do you, that there is scat in this story. Is there though? May all of it will soothe. Shall we see?

There's a spattering of scat. Let's see where we go. Okay. Hello, Mr. Gannon. Hello, Mr. Silverman. I have a story for you. This is from a guy called Joseph Smith. Hello, Joseph.

Not the leader of the Mormon church. Unless it is. In which case. He's reincarnated. Yes. As he said he always would. Yeah. Hello. I have a story for you. Yes, it is. In which case... He's reincarnated, as he said he always would. Yeah. Hello!

I have a story for you. While it's not technically a shop, I hope there's enough wiggle room for it to count. I used to work as a manager for McDonald's and situated on the toll road in Northworth, Indiana. Oh, he's an American listener! International!

I worked mostly night shifts from 4pm to the early hours of the morning fuck me, that's the worst hours to work, right? Depends on your temperament I mean I guess, but that's when everyone's coming home from work grabbing stuff on the way home, piss heads coming through, late night

troublesome characters I was in a McDonald's the other day at 4 in the morning this guy handed the server his phone so that the person at the other end of the line could take the order. Fair play, though. Fair play.

So you work mostly from four till the early morning. And I mainly work with high school age kids and one particular janitor who, even though most of his teeth had rotted out of his head and smelled like weed all the time, would still do his job and had a genuinely good heart. You see? See? Just because you look like Eli, you can still be a nice person.

Do I have teeth, Paul? Yes, barely. Your mouth looks like a scat-covered graveyard. Oh, God. Right? Retort? No? You're just sort of not very good at anything.

Thank you. Yeah. One day I came into work early to grab a bite to eat and this particular janitor walked up to me laughing hysterically. He told me that he had something he wanted to show me in the bathroom. Okay. Needless to say, I was slightly scared but followed him. I just want you to see what us janitors deal with on a day-to-day basis.

I had no idea what I was placing myself for. you know what i'd say i would i would have would have interjected at that point and said i think i have a pretty good idea about the parameters of your job where you go what you do and uh you know what is it going to be is it going to be a giant turd well shall we find out i'm thinking giant turd three to one so i had no idea what i was bracing myself for. Now, being on a toll road, we get people stopping from all walks of life, but a lot of it was from semi-truck drivers

hauling containers full of goods across the country. Eastbound and down, other people are trucking. I gotta do what they say can't be done. I got a long way to go and a short time to get there. We're eastbound, watch your bandit run.

Yeehaw! Excellent. They were the cause of a lot of problems in the bathroom. From shitting their pants to literally trying to flush their underwear down the toilet. Why won't you die? To leaving shit literally in the middle of the floor. You see, I just... I don't understand that. I don't understand that.

You've made it all that way. What stopped you? You know. I think it's a little bit of a... You think it's a kind of fuck you to the kind of... It is. Dirty protest. A dirty protest, yeah.

Which is a common cause of stories on Tales from the Shot Floor. So, I think we've discovered, Paul, shit will be in this. It's looking like a dead cert for some dead shot. Let's see it. It's a dead shot situation. Yeah, that's good. I walk into the bathroom and head over to the toilet my janitor is pointing at and giggling.

Just before I stick my head inside the store itself, my janitor asks, have you ever seen someone chocolate shotgun a toilet before? That is a beautiful turn of phrase. My heart and stomach dropped somewhere near my testicles. There was shit

everywhere. All over the toilet, behind the toilet, on the walls of the store. It somehow even managed to go underneath the walls of the store and pepper shit all over it and behind the two toilets on either side as if someone loaded a shotgun full of shit and fired it.

But I'm thinking it's more like this person's probably quite overweight so it's hard to manipulate the nozzle so to speak. But mate, I've never shat like a fireman's hose. Never. And it's more like a chocolate

machine gun turret. It's like spraying all over. A paintball gun session. That doesn't work. It wasn't catchy enough. I looked at my janitor, who'd thrown his hands up in the air in disbelief, and I hugged him. I never cared about how high he was after that day because I would never have to if that was what he had to deal with day after day.

Indeed. Thank you for both taking the time to read this. I hope you enjoyed it and if you're interested I do have more stories to tell. Keep up the good work. Joseph Smith, Rolling Prairie, Indiana, USA. That was the most scat. It was, but if we are going to do a little bit of a crit here, there wasn't much narrative.

No, but you know what it was? It was a character piece. Someone shat. It was more of a character piece. Because we got to the thing about the bond between this janitor and a kind of insight into... Yes, and there was a bit of a journey for our lead there. There was.

He changed his mind about the janitor. Yeah. Because he saw what he had to deal with. A bond was made. It's like a John Hughes movie, except apart from issues and learning, it's shit. Yes. It's shit brought people together.

Indeed. Now, and that incident reminds me of that story about the plane that had to turn back because of the liquid fecal. So it must have actually not just been a bad smell. It must have been an actual health hazard. Well, again,

three varying and fascinating stories tell from the shop floor from you guys out there. Thank you. And again, if you have any to send us, send us by email, thecheapshow at gmail.com. And if they're not too depressing, we will read them out. Because that second one has affected me.

It was a bit sad, wasn't it? It's a bit sad, but I think we need to tell those stories too. Life is a rainbow of many colours and not all of them shine brightly. You know what that second story really said to me, Paul, is that... You need to be careful of your drinking habit. No. No? No. Go no no happiness is relative that man has a miserable life he's an alcoholic and yet he felt

the emotion of triumph when the hour came when he could do it that was a win for him see what I mean lower your expectations and even small irrelevant

triumphs become something tales on the shop floor tales of despair joy bonding and

shit or nerf turds nerf turds and chocolate shotguns thank you very much we look forward to more oh no

what was the section called again league of snags have we got a jingle for it no shall we do one Oh no, what was the section called again? League of Snacks. Have we got a jingle for it? No. Shall we do one? It's the League, the League of Snacks. It's the League, the League of Snacks. I like that.

Yeah? I like that. It's got the gravitas that we need for the importance of this section can I just say brackets and crisps it's implied

with the snacks to me would you buy a packet of crisps and say that was a snack yes then it's a snack we're moving on

right before we get to our league of snacks which is the first one was and crisps the first one was well received

the first one was well received the first one was well received it was it sparked a bit of debate didn't it a bit of debate people thought that

maybe we put too much nostalgia on it but I thought it was the most nostalgic snack for you definitely I've been thinking about this Paul

and we can't once the scores are locked down we can't go back right we're not going to revise scores that would be

ridiculous and it would open up a mor. Okay. That would be ridiculous. Yes. And it would open up a morass of confusion. It would be a problem. So, there was some debate, though. Because, you know, Monster Munch, definitely one of the most nostalgic brands ever. So, there's always going to be, you know, some debate on that.

Yeah. Is that it? That's all I had to say, yeah. All right, cool. I thought there was going to be more to that. That's why I gave you time. Wasted. Wasted time.

Okay, so before we get into the League of Snacks this week, we've had a letter flown to me by Owl to Cheap Show HQ, which is not the House of Pickles. This is a subsidiary of Cheap Show HQ. Cheap Show HQ is based in Cambridge. I wouldn't want the House of Pickles to be Cheap Show HQ. There's other stuff going on in here. There's not.

Look, there's... Name me one thing that happens in this room outside of basic misery. Look, there's a bunch of hot sauces there. I want to... Yeah, we're going to have to tackle them at some point. It's the Hall of Hot Sauce. Oh, the Hall of Hot Sauce,

which is just above Mount Scatpants. Whatever it's called. Crop Pags. Crop Pags. And then you've got Sauce Mound. The Sauce Trough. And the Shelf of Tats. Yeah, it's an interesting...

There's stuff happening in HOP. You make this place sound magical, but it's a dirty hole. It's horrible. So, we've got an email sent from a guy called Chase Mullins. A very American name, right? It's got dirty hole. It's horrible. So, we've had an email sent from a guy called Chase Mullins. A very American name, right? It's got to be. Extremely American.

Is Chase a girl's name? He is an American. Oh, it's a boy's name? It's a boy's name, I think. I think that's a... Chase, yeah. Like Chevy Chase. That doesn't work.

That's his surname. And that wasn't his real name either, was it? No, he named himself after a street in America. I've seen that street. Washington, D.C. No, there's one in L.A. as well. There's Chevy Chase Drive in L.A. Oh. Yeah. Is that the one he named himself after a street in America. I've seen that street. Washington, D.C. No, there's one in L.A. as well. There's Chevy Chase Drive in L.A. Oh.

Is that the one he was named after? I would have thought so, but maybe you're right and I am wrong. There's a few Chevy Chasers in the world. There probably is more than one Chevy Chase. Just like there's more than one Arnold Lane, maybe. Yeah, there's more than one Paul Gannon. There's no roads called Paul Gannon. There might be.

I bet there isn't. What? Just take it back then, because you're wrong. Just's no roads called Paul Gannon. There might be. I bet there isn't. What? Just take it back then, because you're wrong. Just take it back, because you're wrong. Might be a Gannon land. Gannon Street. There could be a Gannon Street, yes. From Gannon.

Okay. All right. It's not called Paul Gannon Road. There might be. A few years after you're dead. So good, five years from now. Let's call this road paul gannon because it stinks of shit wow okay anyway jakes mullins has emailed a british snacks question

he says hello paul and maybe eli if this gets read on the pod well it did i'm an american listener and i'm really interested in trying different snack foods i know this is a subject that comes up on the show all the time, but could you give me five or so snacks that you think non-British fans should definitely try? Very interesting. So let's rattle that off quite quickly. Okay, well what would you suggest?

Off the top of my head? Yes. Five snacks that they don't have in America that they should try? Yes. Wotsits, Quavers, one of the Monster Munchers, Hula Hoops, and Chip Sticks. Now, they're good. Yeah. Off the top of my head, I haven't had a proper think.

I don't think you've had a proper think there. I haven't, no. I just fucking said that. Now, Paul, I can tell from what you just said that you didn't prepare that, OK? And I know I just fucking said that. Yeah. OK, you've just said that, but I'd also like to say that I've observed that you weren't very fucking said that! Yeah. Okay, you've just said that, but I'd also like to say

that I've observed that you weren't very well prepared there. Yeah. You haven't had a proper thing. Are you going to have a proper thing now, are you? Your first one on your list was Watsits. Yeah. And he can have Watsits.

I guess they're Cheeto. Cheetos puffs. But I think Watsits have a very unique texture and flavour that I don't think you can get in America. I don't think you can get the Watsits. I think they're almost identical. I would say they're almost... Cheesy puffs maybe, but I don't think you can get in America. I don't think you can get the Watsit. I think they're almost identical. I would say they're almost... Cheesy puffs maybe,

but I don't think the cheese carries over flavour. The flavour's not the same. The flavour of the cheese is different. It's drastically different, the Watsit flavour. Well, we will have to... It's bolder. We'll have to put that claim to a test. We will be.

And I will be getting some puffs. Cheetos, cheese puffs. Mate, we will be getting onto that right now today. All right. I've got Watsits. Yeah, but we don't have any Cheetos to compare them with. No, we don't. Now, it's a very hard question, actually, that Chase has posed,

because there is so much these days that does cross over. Because the example that comes to mind is salt and vinegar. Yeah. That was a quintessentially British flavour profile, but you go over there now. It's an American thing. But it's funny. It has a quintessentially British flavour profile. But you go over there now. It's not an American thing. But it's funny. It has a different position over there.

It's kind of luxury. It's kind of gourmet. They have Pringles, don't they? Oh, gourmet. It's a gourmet kind of flavour profile. So you have, you know, the kind of gourmet kettle style chips will have salt and vinegar. But it's not one of their bog standard sort of things. It's not one of their off-the-shelf corner shop ones.

So what I think he's thinking is something that is British and you wouldn't be able to get over there. Okay. What can you imagine that might be like that? Quavers. I don't think they have anything like a quaver out there. That's true. Quavers is a good one.

Chipsticks. I don't think they have anything like a chipstick out there. Chipsticks is a good one. Maybe Smith's Square crisps. Also good. But this is all within the realm of crisps. Monster munch. You can't go...

Oh, yeah, he said snacks. I'm thinking of like a unique item. Scampi fries. Oh, yeah. Do they have sc I'm thinking of a unique item. Scampi fries? Oh, yeah. Do they have scampi fries up there? That's good. Now we're on it. And an old frazzle by the same...

It's the classic Smith's Triumvirate of snacks. Yeah. Isn't it, basically? Yeah. The cheese moments, the scampi fries, and the bacon fries.

Yeah. Oh. Give those a go, mate. All right. So have a good think about that. Sausage rolls don't exist in the same form. No, they don't.

Over there. That's another one. We, in this country, like to have a sausage roll, which is sausage meat. Wrapped in a puff pastry. Nice. Wrapped in a puff pastry. Yeah. They call those something entirely different.

I don't think they're big on those over there. Meat pastries or something. Meat pastries or something. Meat pastries or something. Patties or something. Yeah, they call them something. I know. Like that. Stupid fucking cunts.

I love Americans. He should try a breakfast sausage. A British breakfast sausage, maybe. Maybe a British breakfast sausage. Right, shall we get on to the legal snacks? It's a very interesting question. If I have any other thoughts, because that has,

it's scintillated my uh mind stem yes and uh i'm the good question chase and we'll try and give you a more comprehensive uh and a better answer in a later date can we agree on that we can agree on that let's move on let's move on to the actual league of snacks and only one last time but now we're going to do a few we're going to try and get through them okay. We need to start building this because one of our listeners is actually putting this down on paper, so to speak. As gospel, on a spreadsheet, on the Reddit page. So this is as scientific as this shit's going to get

and we're not going to have God tier. No, fuck off. There's no God. No, fuck off. I mean, there is no God, but that's a bit... Some of our faith-based listeners they might disagree with you on that we frankly believe in a atheist uh beliefs stalk okay yeah paul i wasn't trying to make a point about the existence or not you did though of god you

just although you literally said there is no god though and then so you did say that right i did do so let's move on i don to have a theological discussion with you. I'm not. All I'm saying, what annoys me, God tier, it's one of those neologisms which is really annoying. Like, you know the other one that's really starting to fucking annoy me? Just want to eat crisps. Adult, as a verb.

Oh, I was adulting the other day. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I hate that. Die. I hate that. Die, you fucking person. Right, good. Let's do some adulting right now and eat some cris? Yeah, I hate that. Die. I hate that. Die, you fucking person. Right, good. Let's do some adulting right now and eat some crisps.

Don't say that. Now, there are four categories. We rate these crisps out of ten. And the categories are texture, flavour, nostalgia and value for money. It would have to have value for money in there. Yes, it has to because that's Cheap Show's remit. It's Cheap Show's remit. So, let's go on to the first snack.

And look. Oh. It's only the what's it. It's Cheap Shows Remit. So let's go on to the first snack. And look. Oh. It's only the Wotsits. It is Wotsits. Now, these have been gobbled up by Walkers again. But I believe they were KP originally. Maybe. I remember them as Smiths.

Weren't they Smiths? Maybe. Could have been Smiths. Could have been KP. But, you know, this is what happens in the world. And Walkers, which is a huge international conglomerate, probably part of Unilever or something. There's Lay's, isn't it?

Which is probably owned by Coke or something. Everything's owned by... Disney will own everything at one day. Disney crisps. Yeah, Disney's Wotsits. With a fucking princess on it. And an anthropomorphic pot. That would be good for Leia,

because you have a Wotsit on each side like the buns. Yeah, I'll eat that. Star Wars Wotsits. Star Wotsits. There you go. Walkers, get in touch. Okay, Wotsit is a classic British snack. It is.

It is a really cheesy flavoured corn puff. Yeah, it's a puff. So it does exist across the world in lots of different formats. And you get some very strange Turkish ones around here, which are what I refer to as naked Watsits. Oh, they're just plain. They're plain.

Texture but no flavour. And they are bags that are about four litres, man. They're huge bags. They have the biggest bags of crisps I've ever seen in my life. I like that phrase of you looking like you're holding the biggest dick in the world right now. Oh, I bet you'd like that. I'm demonstrating. Yeah, I know. It's nice. I like the girth you've got. Imagine I did have seen in my life. I like that phrase of you, looking like you're holding the biggest dick in the world right now. I'm demonstrating. Yeah, I know, it's nice. I like the girth you've got. Imagine I did have

a prick like that. I don't want to at all, ever. So, there's a little bit of blurb on the back. I shall read it. The baked Watsit. Are you a cruncher or a melter? Do you like to nibble each Watsit or let it dissolve in your mouth? Could you fuck off? Or maybe you like living on the edge? It says, start

off by melting and take a bite. However you snuffle or what's it, it's always deliciously tasty. See, this is the world we live in. They take the actual culture that has arisen naturally over generations. And try to claim it. And then claim it. It's what Monster Munch do. It's what they all do, don't they?

Let me have my own culture and you just be a manufacturer. I don't smell as much as I used to but I don't know if that's because the flavours changed over time I used to remember a sniffier bag

I totally agree if I'm going for the sniff test there is a cheese flavour coming off it but it's not as redolent and as fecund as I seem to remember it yes

so I'm going to take I'm going to take two what's your sort of general view of Watsits I love Watsits the only downside to Watsits is they do make your fingers smell like they've been deep up your arsehole afterwards. They do. You get a horrible stink on your fingertips.

A horrible stink on your fingers. And a staining as well. They do stain, give you an orange, that kind of smoker's fingertip look. Yeah, Watsit eater's fingertips. So let's have a taste. Those have changed. They have. They seem a little bit weaker than they used to.

They're weaker, aren't they? The flavour's still there. The texture is still there. I think maybe because we're older, we've remembered them being bigger, but actually they've probably never really changed their size. No, I think the size, they're pretty good, aren't they? In terms of mouth crack,

the mouth crack rating is through the roof you know both of us haven't managed to avoid eating several now they're just extremely moorish

they are crack have another scoop and then we'll move on I mean there's not much to say let's just give this a rating it doesn't linger too much

you know let's just go through it and rate it yeah very nice texture for what's its what's your fancy texture now I like a rating. It doesn't linger too much. You know, let's just go through it and rate it. Yeah, very nice. Texture. For what's-its. What's your fancy texture? Now, I like the crunchy, melty feel.

It leaves a nice kind of coating on your mouth afterwards. A nice... Yeah, a mouthfeel. Thicker. It gives to an umami. It's an umami. Cheese is an umami thing.

What? Umami? Is that how you say it? Umami. Umami, thank you. I think I might be wrong, but I think it's umami. Well, just because you know

people who speak Japanese. Yeah, but I... I'd like to know what the actual pronunciation of that is. Umami. Is that how you say it? Umami. Umami. Thank you. I think I might be wrong. Just because you know people who speak Japanese. I'd like to know what the actual pronunciation of that is. Umami. That's racist. So, grab bag. Umami samurai. Okay, so what's it? Texture. I like the texture.

I like that crumbly, crunchy. Yes, but that's one of the things I was going to say. To me, it seems that walkers have gone in and they've firmed them up. Maybe a bit. They used to be more disintegrating and more cheesy bits coming off in your handy. Well, that's the hard part. We'll get to that when we talk about nostalgia. In terms of its texture right now, what are we going to have to agree on? I was thinking 7.

Can we do.5s? Yeah, we can do.5s. I'll say 7.5. Let's go with 7.5 then for this one. Oh, we both have to agree? Yeah, we both have to agree. Oh, I see, okay. Because otherwise...

Okay, so you're okay with... Pandemonium. You're okay with 7.5? I'm fine with 7.5. Now let's... I'll pick my arguments. You know what I mean? Pick your spots.

Yeah, pick your battles, definitely. But also, Paul, we need a rule. If in the League of Snack Auditorium, the Senate, as it were, if we cannot agree, we'd have to go exactly halfway in between both our scores.

Okay. But what if we get half 2.5? It's all that counts, if I remember. The decimal places just keep going. We will cross those bridges as we come to them. And pick our battles and use a lot of cliches. Yes. Okay.

That's all water under the bridge for now, though. So let's move on. 7.5, flavour. Now, again, I remember it being a stronger flavour, but we're not talking about when it used to. We're talking about what it is now. Now, just my experience, my mouth experience just now, Paul. Yeah.

It was... I was liking it. Yeah, it's nice. It's tasty. It's a comfort food snack, isn't it? It's very tasty. It's very tasty. I'd say eight.

I would say eight. I was going to take a bit of a battle then, but I thought, no, it's no higher. It's only a little bit lower. I think eight is fair. Eight is fair. Yes. All right, eight.

So, nostalgia. nostalgia now here's where we talk about the lineage of the now do i give it a lower score for nostalgia if they're not like i remember them no we're looking at as a brand in in general kind of brand nostalgia it's heritage yeah you know they are they are a cultural item in the way that some crisps never ever become true i'm i feel it should be lower a little bit but i can't tell you why it's a it's a gut feeling that i'm i want to say 8.5, but I don't disagree with 9. I just wonder if we're going to hand out too many 9s to some recognised brand.

Okay, so what did we give? The Whatits, I think. The Monster Munch must have got a 9. Okay. We didn't give it a 10. Is it Monster Munch quality in terms of its heritage? It's nostalgia, yes. I'd say it has to be on a level with them.

Fine in that. I think a lot of people are going to disagree with us on this one, but we make the rules. We make the rules. There you come on. No, you're right. British. I think you can see the nostalgia because it is shorthand for that kind of snack.

It's almost like Hoover or Kleenex or something. It's become shorthand. I will say this. They make a great crisp butty. like Hoover or Kleenex or something. It's become shorthand. I will say this. They make a great crisp butty. Oh, yeah? Between two slices of thin bread. Now, butty, let's not get into that whole quagmire. We can't really bring that into this, to be fair.

We have to judge them on the snack itself and not... I know, but I'm just going to say, some of our listeners will not know what you mean by butty. You might think you're getting all anal. I mean a sandwich. It's a northern expression. No, you don't mean a sandwich. Yeah, butty is a sandwich

is it? yes I thought it was a roll no it's just a sandwich ah egg butty cheese butty

we're all learning we're all learning it's a it's a safe space it's when you put crisps in between two slices of bread yes it's a safe space okay

right so alright I think that's worth mentioning nostalgia nine I'm gonna I'm gonna concede to you on this one But I would have said maybe 8.5 Shall we say 8.75?

8.75 is agreeable 8.75 Okay And now for value for money Now that was a grab bag So slightly more costly than usual So that was 85p or 70. 36 grams. Yeah.

And I think the regular packs are fewer. Is the grab bag always 36 grams? Maybe. I don't know. So this is stuff we need to figure out. But they are quite airy as well, aren't they?

I don't feel like I mean all crisps have gone up in price anyway these days I think the average bag of crisps is going to cost you about 70p anyway even if you're getting

like a ready salted and I just feel that because of their moorishness and the mouth crack effect yeah you're going to do it

quick and you might feel a bit short changed you know what I mean yeah you'll probably power through that quite quickly so I think that has to affect our answer there.

So I mean, I would pay. I mean, the thing is, you get a part of a meal deal, you're basically getting it for free because you pay for the sandwich and the drink. So actually it's not that bad as part of a meal deal thing and a Tesco or Sainsbury's.

But it was, I think, 75, 80p for that. And I don't know if it's quite worth it. I'm used to the days. They used to be able to get smaller packets and they were 30p weren't they? Yeah 30, 35p something like that. It was a lovely time. Just what you needed and you'd pack lunch and a white dog poo your mum used to put a white dog poo in your

pack lunch. With goalposts for footballs whatever. So what are we going to say for value for money? Let's say 7 7? Yeah. 7 7. 7. Right we're moving on then. Oh no, we've got to add it all up. So it is... Oh, how does this work?

Let me do it, Paul. Hand it over. You count it all up. Okay. Write it down somewhere. Let's see now. I can just do it in my head. Yeah, do it in your head.

The computer is on. Blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, Shut up. I thought it was quite nice. Chock-a-block machine. 30.25. 30.25. Yes. All right, give me that and I'll write it down on the back. Fuck it.

So, 30.25 for the WhatsApp. Interesting score. I thought it would be on the back. Fuck it. So 30.25 for the Watsit. Interesting score. I thought it'd be a little higher. Yeah. I don't know why. We were reticent. But I think the Monster Munch was 32. Was it?

Yeah. Because we gave it quite a low flavour or something or lower than we thought flavour. The top score possible is 40. I don't think we'll ever get a 40. I think if Monster Munch Beef can't get a 40, what can? We just don't know. Well, maybe it's our next choice,

which is the Quaver. Again, a great British snack. I don't believe you can get anything too similar to this elsewhere in America, for example. What would you, just to summarise, what a quaver actually is? On the pack it says a cheese flavoured,

light curly potato snack. But it's not like a crisp, like a sliced potato. It's like a puffed potato slice. It's been processed in such a way to be of an airy light and I believe some of the advertising over the years is trying to sell them as a light alternative non-greasy so they're curly and like a watsit they can

crunch or you can let them melt on your tongue I like to melt them again it's a selling point and they look like I guess like pork scratchings in terms of their shape but they're not they're more like a kind of floaty watsity maybe even cheetah-y consistency. These are also made by Lay's.

But again, may have been something that they swallowed up. Much nicer flavour when you open the bag. Really? Much cheesier? It's much more Quavers. You smell it and you go, that's Quavers. You're absolutely right. It's a nice cheesy niff. It has a much stronger cheesy niff.

Much bolder. Than the Watsits, yeah. Probably still not as strong as it used to be, maybe, because of all the new flavourings and stuff they use. You're right, though. Let's go in. Are you going to crunch or melt? Onion powder they've got, haven't they?

I think that's what makes it. They're a bit salty. Is that salty? They are salty. I mean, there's no... I'm just wondering if there's onion powder. Garlic powder. Garlic.

It's like... There you go. It's got a spiciness. It's got that... That onion-y. Yeah. That tang. It is almost cheese and onion-y. Yeah.

Really, it is, actually, when you think about it. They don't sell them that, but they are a cheese and onion flavour, Chris. Now, did they used to do cheese and onion flavour Quavers? I don't remember that. I love a Quaver, I have to say. Very nice. Very satisfying. Again, like what?, I have to say. Very nice. Very satisfying. Again, like what?

It's very comfy food. Yeah, very Moorish. Oh. Oh. I love this part of the fucking show. It's fucking great. Okay, good. I'm glad.

Oh. Watch, it's very strong there. Very strong. Yes, I agree. Very strong. But what are we going to rate it let's go let's go straight in here Paul

texture I'm thinking 9.5 wow I think it's got to be one of the kings of the texture world it's a unique texture

you know what in crisps isn't it I'm not going to argue on the latest instalment of the League of Snacks I did discuss that the way that Monster Munch

the air pockets kind of suck your tongue in a bit and there's a bit of a masochism. Yeah. There's a bit of pain, a bit of danger. And you let it... Yeah, living on the edge, mate. Sticky, sticks your tongue and you think it might never come off.

Or your cheek. Yeah. Or the roof of your mouth. Quavers have the ultimate of that. Yeah, they do. 9.5. Yeah, it's not 5. Flavour, 9.

I fucking love the taste of Quavers. Okay. For what they are, for that flavour, it's mild, still got that flavour, it's mild. Still got a tang. It's still got that kind of cheese and onion-y kind of aroma. That magic. Come on, it's a nine.

They're a nice snack, aren't they? Nostalgia. Now, I think we're going to have to say lower on this because they haven't got the presence. They don't quite have the presence. Of what it has or a Monster Monster. Well, they're in the same ballpark. They sort of are, but they're more of a cult item.

Maybe it's a B-lister. It totally is. Do you know what I'm saying? I feel bad for saying that. I feel like we're underdoing Quavers. Don't listen. Quavers aren't an actual person who can get upset, Paul. True.

Okay. So just bear that in mind. My teddy bear growing up had feelings. I know. Just so you know. Yeah. All right. My little toys that I made out of paper had feelings.

Yeah. And when you used to eat the hula hoops infinity round about the bag yeah they had feelings as well but they were going to get reincarnated I would say 8.5

for nostalgia for nostalgia I think we should push that down no we can't rate it lower than we can't rate it

that low that's crazy what was the nostalgia on the Watsits the Watsits was 8.75 I think 8.25 is as high as I'm

8 8 a nice round solid 8 a confident 8 because mate it's you still would think about that

the 70s 80s growing up you would and also just to mention it's part of our history mate it does have one cultural sort of point to make yeah and that is it is rhyming slang for raver it does have one cultural sort of point to make. Yeah.

And that is, it is rhyming slang for raver. A bit of a quaver. Cheesy quaver, raver. Good to know. So when ecstasy came in, in the late eighties in Britain.

Yeah. We had ravers for the first time, which were people who went to illegal house music parties dotted around the M25. So eight. Ravers. So that is a bit of a nostalgic sort of reference to an era. Yeah. Eight?

Fine. I just wanted to mention the ravers thing. That's fine. I'll let you do it even though I zoned out halfway through. Fuck off. Right. And value for money. Again, same problem as the WhatsApp.

We can't. 80p, 75p. It's the same, isn't it? What's that? 36 grams. How many grams is there? 34. See, they're fucking with us on all of this stuff.

They make all of these sort of minute adjustments about how the weight. Don't they? It's weird. Death by a thousand cuts, mate. So that's less good value because that grab bag is what costs the same but has two grams less stuff in.

So value for money in terms of that. What did we give Watts's? We gave that a seven. Let's go down. Let's go down to a 6.5. They're not great value.

They're not great value. They're more-ish and again, you have that... I would be happy with 6.5, I think. Okay. Because then all crisps

of this bracket are going to be in the same problem, and we're going to rate them reasonably low for just being the average price of crisps. I just think that we've done a bit of research. That is the same price, and it's two grams less than what you get in a... So what are we saying? 6.5. 6.5.

All right. In that case, can you now count it up and write it to the top of the sheet? If you'd like to turn on the computer, please. Shut up. 33. 33? Really? So higher than what's it? Incredible. Fair enough. It was on the flavour and the texture. That than what's it incredible

fair enough it was on the flavour and the texture that's what sold it 33 let me just

double check that yes 33 33 then a very strong score extremely strong for the quavers what did we say

Montemuch was 34 I think we said I think it was yeah we'll check the facts and we'll update it on our website and the

reddit page alright yes so our last one today we're going to get straight to are we doing I think it was, yeah. We'll check the facts and we'll update it on our website and the Reddit page, all right? So, our last one today we're going to get straight to. Are we doing it? Yeah, we talked about it mostly in terms of the lineage last time. So, let's just tackle the flavour now. So, we're going to do the Monster Munch pickled onion crisp. Ah, I see. So, that's a good idea.

So, we just have to do a different score for flavour? Well, pretty much because we can still... Let's just take it on its own. So we talked about Monster Munch in the last episode when we did the last League of Snacks. Go back to it. Find out what we talked all about the brand then.

Come back to us now. We're just doing the same thing, but with pickled onion flavour. This is one which the listeners have really been chiming in. Monster Munch, a very emotive brand. Just to catch you up, it is a pickled onion flavour

baked corn snack. So, you know, quite a chunky snack. And what does it weigh? 40 grams. And it's the same price, actually, as the Snickers or Watsons.

So, have a sniff. Very strong pickled onion smell. Ooh. All the pickle kings out. It's very tart. It's very tart. There's no mistaking that smell. A real tang on It's very tart. There's no mistaking that smell. A real tang on the smell, man.

There's no mistaking it. I like it. It's got a bit of danger to it. You have an involuntary physiological reaction to it. It's got a bit of a kind of makes you wince. It makes you wince a bit. So let's get straight in. Oh, well, we've lost Eli.

It's an interesting flavour. Not for everyone. Not for everyone. And it's polarising because a lot of people rate this more higher than roast beef. It seems to have a smaller but more vocal, passionate following. It does, doesn't it? Whereas I think... Okay, so Monster Munch is your first girlfriend

that you bring home to your family that you're really proud of and it's warm and careful. When that doesn't go well after a while and you move on to your next, this is your edgy, I'm going to rebel, back rebound.

It's the punk. It's the punk snack. And it's the Cyclops monster, isn't it? Yeah. So, you know, it's a bit on the edge. It's a bit, yeah. So, you know... Demented.

Roast beef is your entry point to Monster Munch, whereas this is your, do you want to try something different? Hardcore Monster Munch eaters. Yeah, you've tried that. Do you want to come round the back for this? Yeah. That's the pickled onion.

Yes. But does that make it a better snack, though? It's impressive. I just want to mention that I do feel like the flavour has become less intense over the years. It might just be me ageing. Maybe. That tastes like, that to me tastes like... over the years. It might just be me ageing. Maybe. That tastes like...

That, to me, tastes like... Exactly the same. I can't remember that, but to me, that's exactly how I expected it to be. Well, we all know, Paul, you've got a bias, and you come down on the roast beef flavour side of the line. I do. Don't you? I do.

I've been open about that bias. Now, they also do just a normal crisp, a potato crisp. Yeah. Which is pickled onion flavour. Have you tried those? No. Well, they will come up. They will come up. But let's rate these. Okay. Texture. Well, I can't remember. It has to be the same. I can't remember what it was. Nine, we said before. Did we say nine?

I'll check it and amend it if we need to. Okay. But you're right. It'd be ridiculous. A nostalgia. Well, let's get into it. Flavour. You're going to say 9, aren't you? No, I'll say 8.5. For the sake of argument, I'm going to agree with you.

They kind of smell better than they taste. There's a sort of tang, a volume of tanginess that isn't as high as I'd like it to be. I'd like them to be more tart and sour and vinegary. More pickly. Fine. That's fine. I mean, that's how I remember it.

It's not my choice of Monster Munch, but it's a really strong, potent, very familiar flavour. Yes. Nostalgia? Could it have to be 8.5, I think. You think 8.5? 8 maybe. I mean, 8.5 is as high as I'll go, because I don't think people, when they think of Mons and Mons, go to that.

They go to the yellow packet. They go for the roast beef, don't they? They go for roast beef every time. They do. But this did have... This does have some cachet. It does. It does have some cachet.

It's not like, you know, let's say roast chicken flavour crisps. Which, you know are the flavour that's been there for years and years and years but no one ever gave a shit no did they even people who like them

don't give a shit you know what I mean there's no support what I'll say is what we'll say is this whatever you rate it now if you're a huge fan of them of pickled onion

you yourself at home listening can add a point to it yes but it doesn't make it legitimate because it's not the official ranking as per Cheap Show's rules and regulations.

If 8.5 is as high as you're going to go, I'm going to have to accept that, Paul. 8.5 is where we're going to have to go with that. So, value for money. ATP weighs slightly more than the Watt's and the Quaver's. Well, slightly more. Well, a good, what, six grams more? I mean, that's a lot more. That's a lot better value.

But they're also a heavier snack. They're a more fulfilling snack. And there's more of it. Yeah. So, value for money, then's a lot more. That's a lot better value. But they're also a heavier snack. They're a more fulfilling snack. And there's more of it. Yeah. So, value for money then. Probably about right. Eighty? Eight?

Eight? Eight? Yeah. Eight. All right. I mean, that's higher than what we gave the Watsits and the Quavers, right? Yes, it is. What was the Watsits 7.75?

Value for money was seven. Yeah, that's good. And we went 6.5 on the Quavers. Yeah. Okay, that's good. And we went 6.5 on the quavers. Yeah. Okay, this is fair. And it's borne out by our observations of the actual grammages.

Yes. Yes. Oh, he's doing some maths. I want you to double check. I think that's 34. Blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip 34. So I think it matches the roast beef. Ah. But did it get there in a different way?

It took a different road to get there, but the destination was the same. Interesting. So there we go. Watsit, 30.25. We have Quavers with 33. And just nipping ahead of the curve, we have the pickled onion monster munch with a 34. Again, not too surprising, but at the same time qualifying.

Now, I'd just like to say any snack can be entered into our system. Any. And we will, I'm sure. In time. We will be doing some more out there. We will. We will recommend it. Of the snack world. Yes, We will. We will recommend it.

Of the snack world. Yeah. I wish to shake your hand after a successful League of... No, don't. Shake my hand, bitch. I feel weird about it. There we go. That was the League of Snacks. Thank you.

Well, on Cheapshow, we like board games and we like old TV game shows. And when they come together like they do on moments like this, well, Paul is cock-a-hoop. It is time to play a TV board game, board game TV show, game show segment of the show, board game.

We need to call this a segment. We need to call it... It's not a segment. It's just Sheepshow. It's normal. Sheepshow plays. No, it's not. Not everything has to have a name.

Cheap Show Plays. Wordy, wordy game. Do you have a name for your penis? Yeah. Captain Frankenstein. It's got two big bolts on the side of its fucking head, mate. Ooh. And the ladies.

Ooh, they love it. They love it. Do you know what I call mine? What? Little Lou. Little Lou? That doesn't sound like a child at all. Let's move on today we are playing on the cheap show plays section the board game section we are playing the tv show countdown

now again a great british institution is countdown based on a french format which i didn't know was it it was based on a french show initially so i, I mean, I don't know how that worked. I mean, apparently similarly. What was that called? Le Word Clicky Clock TikTok. Right, good. Le Word Clicky Clock. Yes, yes. And in the UK for the longest time,

it was hosted by Richard Whiteley, a cuddly, lovely regional TV host who got this Channel 4 national quiz show. He was quite a great presenter. He had a charm. He had a had he had a charm he had a lot of charm he's if anyone knows us um and knows that we like tim the toy man on uh you know youtube on youtube that tim guy imagine if that guy presented the word based quiz show and basically that's very likable and he's very cheeky as well he used to say he was

called twice nightly whitely bigged up his sex life. And he presented it for years and years and years. Yeah, for years. Before he passed on, sadly. A few years back now. Yeah, maybe like 10. But the show has kept going. Des Lining presented it for a while.

Some Sky News presented it. But it hasn't had a permanent sort of replacement. No, no, not really. Some other guy who presents it now don't recognise him, but I believe he does a Sky Sports show as well. The other thing to mention about Countdown is that it was the first show aired on Channel 4. Yes, when it was first broadcast in 1984.

Was it 4? I think 84. I mean, we don't bother with facts anymore on this show. We go with gut instinct. That's what got us Brexit. That's what got our blue passports back. Politics. I think I remember when I was nine

watching, being very excited. Channel 4 was the fourth terrestrial TV channel. Everyone only had four. We only had four then. Even in America at that time they had more than that. Yeah, just about. They had five. They had six or seven, I think.

I don't know. I don't care. So it was a big deal, a new TV channel. And I can remember in my yoga room. You're so middle class. Sorry. Anyway, go on. Do you want me to put on a card?

Oh, in my... I went to a school where they didn't teach us to read until we were eight, and we had gnomes instead of fire exits. All right, I'll working class it up for you yeah I was sitting in a pile of shit in a scullery

scrubbing rags right good thank you so you saw Countdown and you enjoyed it and through the window of my neighbour I smeared away

the cat sick and I looked through and on their telly there was Countdown. Is this going anywhere? I basically saw the opening ceremony of Channel 4 and then the first programme. Excellent. That's what I was trying to say.

It's all right. You could have told it better, but that's fine. So, also Carol Vorderman, who did the numbers round. Carol Vorderman, who went on to have a kind of career as an everyman presenter. She did a bit of everything, didn't she? Award shows and other quiz shows. But the whole thing, which is... Now she's kind of showed herself off being a milf, hasn't she?

She's become kind of... Well, she was a very attractive lady and... Not conventionally. I mean, look. Not conventionally attractive as we'd expect in terms of the tight position. Hello, Paul. You know, like,

broad and big tits. I'm moving the digger truck across the table towards you. All I'm saying is that she was beautiful, but not in the way that the media would present beautiful. Well, no, I think in later years she was known as being attractive.

She was the thinking man's totty, I think they called her, or something. It's all very sexist in the beginning. It's all right. I can look at her tits something. It's all very sexist in the beginning. It's very sexist. It's all right. I can look at her tits because I think she's smart as well because she can can. And also, if you think about the whole power structure of the way the show is formatted, she has to sort of... Sex it up.

And also, she was a mathematician. She was a very smart human being. Yeah. But it's almost like the man presents the show. He's the patriarch. Doddery, fathery type. Yes. But then it's like she's the eye candy to a certain extent.

But also she's got like a parlor trick, which is the maths. You know what I mean? It's all kind of dodgy. Because you sit there and go, yeah, multiply this. But also she's clever. You know, do your trick. Do your maths trick. I love you for your brain.

Do you know what I mean? So there are some questionable. I'm going to do a conundrum there are some questionable yeah there are sort of sex politics issues around

like just anything everything now everything especially that because they did because they they went for a very attractive

for the replacement they yeah I can't remember her names and then there's also Susie Dent on the dictionary corner who would be there

to give you the words that you didn't find. They have an expert on words, which is also, I kind of find the most fascinating part of the show,

I have to say, when she explains words and meanings and obscure words. Yeah, well, we need to explain what the game

Countdown's about. It's an anagram game. It's an anagram game. It really is that simple. You pick vowels and consonants up to nine and then you have to unscramble them and make the longest word you can out of those nine. And you have 30 seconds allotted time.

But there was also the maths round. Which was similar. You got selected random numbers and you had to make them all add up or multiply or... I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it! You've got a certain amount... What Paul's trying to say is you've got some numbers

and then you've got a target figure that was randomly generated and you have to use all of those numbers in a calculation only once to get as close as you can to the target figure. You could only use addition, multiplication, division and subtraction. Yeah, the normal ones. You couldn't do pi, square, root stuff. You couldn't use calculus, multiplication, division and subtraction. Yeah, the normal ones.

You couldn't do pi, square, root. You couldn't use calculus and stuff like that. Yeah, none of that bullshit, mate. Honest to goodness, math. Right, so we're going to play Countdown. Do you have a pen for your pad? If you could just put your hand across the sauce trough and hand me another one, please. What's wrong with that pen?

These are both sort of ones that don't want to damage the nibble. So give me a biro, and then you're good. Thank you. All right, sweet. Okay, so it's very simple. We're going to play Countdown. So let's play Countdown. how are we gonna to play it? We'll just take turns, like the game.

Because I bought the board game. Who's going to win? Well, depends on who gets the most words, doesn't it? But how many are we going to do? We're going to do two word rounds, the numbers round, then a conundrum. Okay, great. All right? Oh, they've got conundrums?

Yeah, they've got a conundrum in there as well. Explain to the... Conundrum's the very final round where you get a nine-letter word and it's all been shuffled around and the first person to unshuffle it and pick the right word wins. It's a pre-prepared nine-letter anagram as opposed to a randomly generated string of numbers.

So the first two rounds of Countdown are always the word rounds where the letters round. And so the board game comes with all the cards with vowels and consonants on. There's a numbers thing there. I've put the conundrum over there in the corner out of the way for now.

We'll get rid of the numbers round just for now so we have space on... Paul, I know I always do this, but I'm predicting splapping your ass. You might do. You might do. I hope you do. You hope might do. I hope you do.

You hope I win. I hope you win, mate. So what's the point of playing? Just say I won. No. Just say it. No, I don't want to. Say Eli, you are the winner. No, because we haven't gone through that yet.

Say that. I will say that at the end of the show, if and when you win, all right? Say you love me. I love you. Say you want me to push you up hard against the wall. Again, why are you doing that?

I keep thinking about that scene in blade runner great we have she was good in blade runner shut up i wanted to be in love with an android i don't care about the way this is going i want to play countdown i will say this as well the board game comes with a little blue box. This is his big spoofy moment. He's been going on about this. Go on, just tell him. It's a little blue box. When you press it, which I'm not going to do right now,

when you press it, you hear the countdown, 30-second countdown, which you have the time it takes to unscramble the words. That was another very famous thing about the show. The theme was very famous. Used by stand-up comedians. Oh, all over the show. In fact, it's one of the one times where a piece of music can become the punchline. All you have to go is go, do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do.

So, I was having sex the other day with my wife, and all of a sudden, Cat Dad came on the telly. And as I'm knobbing her, I smough right up her chuff with a way, do-do-do-do-do-do. I thank you. Yeah, do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do. I come to the gob. It became a sort of shorthand for running out of time. Yeah. Yeah. It became synonymous. Do-do, do-do, do-do-do. I come to the gob. Yeah. It became a sort of shorthand for running out of time. Yeah.

Yeah. It became synonymous. Do-do, do-do, do-do-do. Boo. Yeah, or when you're waiting for a friend at the bus stop and they're running late, you go, do-do, do-do-do. Funny how that entered the culture. So, I'll let you pick the first letters. Okay.

So, we have a mound of consonants and a mound of vowels. All I need you to do is pick nine of any selection of those you want. So where do you want to start? I'll go for consonant, please. And I'll get to see them as they come out. Yeah, yeah, of course. So, consonant, yeah? Yeah.

Zed. I gave these a proper good shuffle, by the way, just so you know. Vowel. U. Vowel. Please, Paul. E. Vowel. U. Vowel. Please Paul. E. Vowel. A. Consonant. F. Consonant. G. Consonant. S. Two vowels. And two vowels to end on. A and E. Are you ready? Yes.

Start the clock, Carol. Oh, stop. Stop. Put your pens down. What have you got? What's the longest letter you've got? Four. I've got five. What? I've got? What's the longest letter you've got? Four. I've got five. What? I've got five. Let's go to you first then. Gazers.

G-A-Z-E-S. G-A-Z-E-S. Yeah? Gazers. What have you got? What have you got? Can we stop playing? No, stop.

I'm going to blam you. You might still blam me. So what did you get? I have safe and Z's. Well, there you go. So I get I believe five points and you get

nothing. So I get five points. Where do I put that five? Alright, cool. This is a lot of fun, isn't it? Just like the TV show. I'm going to put these over there out of the way Can I pick the letters? Can I do the letters?

I want to take them off the pack Alright I want to touch something Alright, you're going to have to come over here Ooh You ready? I'm the sauce pot Ooh, hello Carol, you're looking sexy

Ooh, I'm squeezing I'm not Carol Oh, don't touch me I want to touch it Don't touch me Alright, okay, I won't What would you like? Can I have a continent, please? Continent? Carol. Oh, don't touch me. I want to touch you. Don't touch me. All right, okay, I won't. What would you like?

Can I have a consonant, please? Consonant? S. S. Another consonant? It's that pile there, you fucking idiot. Well shuffled. S.

Another consonant? T. Vowel. A. Another vowel. God, Carol, you've let yourself go. E. Consonant.

R. Another consonant. R. Vowel. A. And finally, a consonant. S. Start.

Oh, no, I should let you write that down. You've got to let me write it down. So we've got S, S, T, A, E, R, R, A, S. Ready? Go. Oh, fuck. pens down what have you got Pens down. What have you got? Maybe a bit of a dodgy one here, but I've got a six. A six?

I have a six as well. Shit. What is your six? What's your six? Rastas. R-A-S-T-A-S. Rastas. That's right, isn't it?

A collection of Rastafarians. I have Rastas. R-A-S-T-A-S. Rastas. That's right, isn't it? A collection of Rastafarians. I have Rastar. R-A-S-T-A-R. T-A-R. I think we have to go to Dictionary Corner. And by that, I mean get me phone out. There needs to be some judication. So, what is it?

Rastar. Mine's not a word, is it? it i don't know you might find out that you're right let's go to dictionary doesn't matter if it's my if i'm right i've drawn do you know i mean shit i hate anagrams wait there's a company called rastar i bet they're fucking there's a car called a rastar but there is no rastar let me put the word meaning in because maybe that will help rastar meaning now if you'd spelt it with an e

it would have been right raster is a rectangular pattern or parallel scanning lines followed by electron fields shit shit fucking this is what gets me when you win and you're an imbecile rasters fuck you that shouldn't be allowed Fucking this is what gets me When you win And you're an imbecile Rastas Fuck you

That shouldn't be allowed Well here's the thing The numbers game's coming up next And I'm shit at numbers And so here's how it goes You get 10 points If you get it spot on Right

5 points if you're within How many points have you got? I've got 11 right now So There's still a chance For big baby hairy bad bollocks To snip into the lead alright

this was the kind of thing that would come on in the middle of the day and you'd know your life wasn't going very well wouldn't you I love fucking countdown I like watching it I would not choose to view it ok so it's a bit weird how they do this the numbers game because it's the same numbers game where you've got two rows of eight.

You've got big numbers and small numbers. So you've got the big numbers are at the bottom, so there's the four. Here are the four small numbers, the big numbers. Okay, and you've got a number generator, do you? No, you basically pull out three random numbers from these number cards, and then it generates the three numbers that way. So there's your, there's your, and then you've got three numbers that way so there's your there's your there and then you've got like is it a row of it's not that many numbers why don't you look

at the rules no it's something like that no that's no paul i'm not gonna i'm not gonna let you screw this up by doing it wrong my only chance of redeeming myself here just because you're lazy you're mentally lazy oh it was three three four and then the bottom number so that's right so we'll just put them here like that so three so three just get the rule book out of the flicking hell you you know thank you i'll keep them out in entertainment here now i will not be doing any of my stand-up, ladies and gentlemen, as Paul goes in there. But I'd just like to say, I may lose this. And, you know, I hope I don't. And I'd just like to apologise to everyone who was rooting for me.

I've really done very badly at the first two rounds. Yeah, you've done very badly. Now Paul has actually done his duty and responsibility as a host of this podcast and has looked at the actual rules. How am I meant to know, Paul, on those first two rounds you weren't doing something suspect? Because it's always been nine. Fuck yourself.

It's always been a nine-letter word. You stupid, you stupid cunt. Go outside and ram your own head into something. Anyway, it's four, then five, and then the big numbers. I would like to see some proof. Hand me the paper. What's that? Happy? I'm not happy.

Anyway, you go two from the top, middle. How many numbers do you pick? Exactly. No, you're right. I hadn't figured that out. You have to fucking figure it out. Oh, God. Right. I hadn't figured that bit out. You have to fucking figure it out. Oh, God. Right. I'm waiting.

Right. The target number. Yeah, yeah. Then shuffles remaining and then face them all down. No one wants to hear you. Select any six cards. Any six cards. Thank you.

Right. So pick any six cards. Hi, Carol. Thank you. So. You wouldn't be allowed on Top Gear. No. Countdown.

Freudian slip. No, shut up. Paul loves Top Gear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. What? Do one. Go on.

Pick your numbers. I fucking will if you give me a fucking. You big word idiot. I'd like. So what are the numbers? The small ones? No, they don't do the small. It's just top, middle, on the bottom row are the big numbers.

How many do I have to end up with? Six. Got to pick six out. Can I get three from the bottom, two from the top, one from the middle? Three from the bottom? Which one do you want? There's the first three going from my left. One, two, three, yeah?

Yes. And then you want what? One from the middle. Any one? That one, yeah, that you pointed at. No, the one next to that left there, yeah. Right. And One from the middle. Any one? That one, yeah, that you pointed at. No, the one next to that left there. Right. And two from the top.

The first two from the left on the top, please. Okay. Oh, I've dropped it. Okay. So I'll get rid of all the other number cards now. All right, princess. Okay. Delicate little snowflake.

Don't call me a snowflake. Delicate little... Just a double you snowflake. I'm little... Jess J W Snowflake. I'm ready for the number round. I need to redeem myself. I don't know if I will. 50. Got it? 50.

75. 100. 5. Yeah. 6. And 1. Yeah. Five. Yeah. Yeah. Six. Yeah. And one. Right?

Got it. Now to generate the target number from the target number pack. So I'm going to shuffle these cards and I'm just going to pull out three randomly. I'll let you pick the three, all right? You written them all down? Yes. Okay. Here we go.

Shuffly, shuffly. Do you want to do it like that or do you want to do what? We're just going to grab three. Right. So you have to pull them out in the order you've pulled them out in. So if you pull it out the top middle bottom, you have to put them left to right. So what is the target number to get? 940.

940. Are we ready? Here we go! I don't... can't do maths. What have you got, Paul? 9.50. I've got... You've got to tell me the answer now or it's all over. What have you got? No! You've got to do it. You've got to tell your number answer now or it's all over. What have you got? No, no! You've got to do it.

You've got to tell your number right now if you've got it. What is it? Three, two, one. Come on, you've over... Come on, what have you got? It's about nine... Nine something.

What? All right, then... Just write this down as I do it, yeah? Okay. Okay, I'm going to write it down on the back of my pad because you're going to have to do it off the top of your head.

This is highly illegal, but go on. What's your even final number? I don't know what you're pointing at. Five plus six. Five plus six. Eleven is eleven. Yeah, is eleven. Minus one.

Minus one is ten. Yeah. Times a hundred. Yeah, which is a thousand. So far, that's exactly what I've done. Then you take 50 away from 75. Yeah. Times 100. Yeah, which is 1,000. So far, that's exactly what I've done. Then you take 50 away from 75. Yeah. Which leaves you with 25.

Take away from 1,000, leaving 975. Yeah. So that's what your score is. Whereas if you'd just taken 50 away, you would have been closer. I hate you. So I get five points for being close.. I get five points for being close. So I get five points for being close.

So at the end of this round, I don't like your tone. At the end of this countdown so far, the two word round and the numbers round, I don't like your tone. I don't have to do this. What's your score? I don't know.

It's nothing is your score. And I have 16. If you're going to get all gloaty, What's your score? I don't know It's nothing is your score That's why you don't know it And I have 16 Listen 16 If you're going to get all gloaty I'm not going to even fucking play

I'm going to get very gloaty mate I'm not going to play So now we're going to do The conundrum round Right This is simple At the top of a card like that I hate you

At the top of a card like that There's the anagram Cellophane It's cellophane Right Because it says there Cellophane Hello penk Cellophane I got it Now what I'm going to do is Because the next card's the anagram. Cellophane. It's cellophane, right? Because it says there... Cellophane. Hello, penk.

Cellophane. I got it. Now, what I'm going to do is, because the next card's the same, I'm just going to drop it halfway down and reveal what the conundrum is. Can I have another fresh piece of paper, please? I used to use the back. I've used the back.

Listen, mate, just give me another piece of paper. All right. Precious. Snowflake, SJW. Fuck! White Knight, SJW, and anti-femme. All right. Precious. Snowflake, SJW. Fuck. White Knight, SJW, and anti-femme. Fat man. And Snowflake.

Look. Right, are you ready? There's no way I can catch up with you now. No, this is worth 15 points, this. No, it's worth 20. Actually, what is it worth? I'll tell you what the genuine score is for getting a conundrum right, okay? Well, how do I know any of the other scores are genuine?

Because you do it by points. You literally do it by points and I looked it the other way. So, word game, blah, blah, blah, conundrum. The contestant who solves the conundrum first

scores 10 points. All the other contestants score zero. So there's still a chance, mate. There's still a chance you can get 10 points. That's it? This is the end?

Yeah, this is it. We're not doing any more? No, this is it. It's fucking not worth it, isn't it? I love this so happy when I win one so are you ready

yeah the conundrum is naked grin naked grin Oh, I know it. Oh, I can't start it. I know it. Do you know it? No.

Hang on. I mean, you're meant to just buzz in, but I've got it. I think it is darkening. What is it? Darkening. Oh! He's doing a dance, everybody. Oh, look at that.

I'm going to fucking squeeze you. Oh, look at this. Whoa! Don't touch me. I like it when I win. You're not allowed to touch me. I'm allowed to when I win. No, you're not. I'm allowed to do it when I win. You're not allowed to touch me. I'm allowed to when I win. No, you're not.

I'm allowed to do it when I win. You don't get anything. I get what I want. I'll take what I want, princess. Sit down. So I'm going to add 10 to my score, which makes it 10, 20. I got 26 playing countdown.

How many did you get? Great. Well, what a great episode of Cheap Show thatdown. How many did you get? Great. Well, what a great episode of Cheap Show that was. Possibly my favourite in a while. I'm genuinely unhappy about this. See, this is where we differ. You didn't give me a fair shake of the tree. I'm sorry.

Did I not give you 30 seconds to find a word? Did you not have the chance to find words? Did you not suggest words that don't exist? This is after my sister had slaughtered me at Scrabble over and over again when I was on holiday. Maybe this is a lesson for you. What? That you're a prick.

You know it now. You're a talentless word stupid maths idiot. Thanks very much. No, well done Paul. Yeah. And that's Cheap Show done for another episode. Oh, I can't tell you how excited I am. Oh, shut up.

Go and get a froth on. I will. Follow us on Twitter at TheCheapShowPod. You can also see me at PaulGannonShow. Eli is... E-L-I-N-O-R. No wonder you lost Countdown. You fucking idiot

Eli Snowed on Twitter You can email us on thecheapshow at gmail dot com We have a reddit page forward slash r forward slash cheapshow on reddit We also have a website thecheapshow.co.uk with pictures and videos that accompany this very episode

so you can watch along as listen What else have we got? He's got a degree in what? Social Studies or something. Who? Me? No, I've got a Theatre and Drama degree. Same as me. Theatre, Film and Television. What did you get? A degree. A 2.1.

I got a 2.1 too. Did you? I got a 2.1, yeah. I was that far away from a first. Oh, you're smart. Whatever. I am. I have a degree in watching telly and drama that's it also we have Instagram

and we have Tumblr and all the lovely things Facebook I once did a quiz and did quite well on it

once once we're going to do countdown again for the TV board game special I used to play football as well

and you were the goalie because you're a big fat mess I was not the goalie so we're moving off you're jollity you prick and not the goalie So we're moving on

It's all your jollity you prick And finally thank you for supporting us on Patreon If indeed you do If you'd like to support this wacky pomody compost You can go to It's a podcobadost Patreon.com forward slash cheap show Donate whatever you like

But if you get over $10 donation We will give you a special monthly podcast And there are other treats available as well. There are tears. Many tears. So thank you again. Can I also just add one last thing, Paul? Yeah.

You know, the listeners might be thinking, Eli sounds like he's genuinely a bit upset and put off by the fact that you whitewashed me. Is it because you are, though? I actually am. And I just really don't feel very good at all now. You've got 30 seconds to tell me how sad you are. I'm sad. Yeah.

Your arse, that's not his weed. You've got to cut that. You have to cut that. I'm cutting that out. It's racist. Oh, yeah, I guess it is. Then you should say your meatus is weeping. My meatus is weeping. That's how sadus is weeping. My metus is weeping.

That's how sad I am. Yeah. My metus is weeping. Eli's metus is weeping a lot because he doesn't wash his cock.