CheapShow - Ep 74: Mr Biffo & The Automatic Sex-Music Robots

Episode Date: May 4, 2018

They said it shouldn't happen. They said it could happen... But it has happened! Digitiser2000's Paul Rose, Mr Biffo himself, joins Paul & Eli for part one of a two part CheapShow special! Although we try to keep it on a retro video games theme, don't expect much video game talk, as there may be many ugly, weird, upsetting and hilarious tangents on the way. MARVEL at the foul gift Mr Biffo brings! ROCK OUT with Jasper Carrot's Funky Moped! THRILL to the idea of Paul's homemade belly candy! REMEMBER old video games and COMPLAIN how they are not that good! And if nothing else, just keep reminding yourself: "It's only a podcast, it's only a podcast, it's only a podcast...!" And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Yeah, we're recording. Ladies and gentlemen, Eli Silverman in the house all the way from London. We're very pleased to have him here today. Very special occasion. Eli Silverman, give us one of your very best intros that you've ever done ever. I refuse. Why? I'm going to play this charade.

Why? Why aren't you going to do that? Because it's bullshit. Why is it bullshit? Do your intro. No. Do it. I pay you to do this.

Don't start. Strictly speaking, you're my employee. And if I ask you to do something, shall I fire you and get ash in? But it's not an intro, is it? This fucking stupid bit where you act like a cunt is the intro. Yeah, I know. And it's been successful.

So I'm going to do it. Why not? Just do it. Fuck you. I'm your boss. I'm here already. I'm your boss. Do it.

Or I'll fire you right now on Cheap Show. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Eli Sultman. I'll fire you right now on Cheap Show hello ladies and gentlemen I'm Eli Silverman so you're also weak what I'm doing the intro now you caved in I want my employees

to fight fuck off I'm gonna go leave honestly yeah promises hello ladies and gentlemen I'm Eli Silverman

it's a lovely day here in Canebro don't you fucking dare call it Canebro we're hanging in Canebro. Don't you fucking dare call it Canebro. We're hanging in Canebro and here is Paul Gannon but just to let everyone know.

Your intros get worse. Just focus on the information. Hello it's Cheap Show. Okay. I'm Eli. Hello it's Cheap

Show. Congratulations listen to the show blah blah blah here it goes. Then we play the theme tune. Are we introducing our guest?

Yeah at some point but I thought you know. At what point? All right, here's Paul Rose as well, a.k.a. Mr. Biffo. Well, you've said it now. What's the fucking point of me doing anything? Hello.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Eli Silverman here. I'm here in Canebro live. And here's the other host of Cheat Show, Paul Gannon. But he wants to be known as Dickington Willoughby. Actually, I do now. I actually want to be called... Okay, Dickington. Dickington Willoughby actually I do now I actually want to be called Dickington

Dickington Willoughby is that my name yes excellent hello I'm Dickington Willoughby and I'm a relation to Holly Willoughby no relation

how dare you I have many relations I have Jacob Willoughby who the fuck's that he's a guy who works in Fortnum and Mason

what are you on about he weaves baskets fuck this intro is the worst one we've done ever sorry who what

Jason Willoughby Paul I'm just going to apologise it was Jacob I think Jacob Willoughby Jacob weaves baskets Fortnum and Mason

right because you know they do baskets he makes those baskets with nice soaps and stuff yeah come close to your mic I want to see alright

anyway it's Cheap Show everybody wee They do baskets. He makes those baskets with nice soaps and stuff. Yeah, come close to your mic. I want to see it. All right. Anyway, it's Cheap Show, everybody. Whee! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to fucking reset. Moodle time.

Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? The price of the site? It's a tall gun and saying hello Eli Silver Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello, yes, welcome to Cheap Show

We are doing a very special edition of Cheap Show because we have a guest. I wonder who that guest is. Do you want to have a guess, Eli? I know. Guess the guest. I am sat right here, you know. Guess the guest.

It's Paul Rose. Yay! Good guess. I've brought a gift, if that's all right. Ooh. Thank you for... I like this. This is like ASMR.

It's like that one you can download to your phone, which is going to the barbers. Have you heard that? Yeah, there's loads of them. I've only had the barbers one. Is ASMR, is it for sex? No. Or just nice...

No, I've had this conversation with my other half because initially when I first started listening to ASMR, she thought it was some sort in fact last week she came in and I had some woman on my screen and she got a bit funny

because she thought I was watching pornography and I wasn't I was listening to some woman pretending to give me a haircut I've used that excuse it's not sexual

it's weirdly intimate in that way though isn't it but I prefer men we've all learned something already it's the base it's the baseness of the voice we went to a couple of years ago we went to um las vegas and we got a cab and there was this asian cab driver and i spoke and you came but more or less yeah we got out of the cab at the end of uh the journey to some gangster museum.

And I couldn't walk because this guy's voice had made me go so peculiar. So it's mainly men. So it's for relaxation or meditation? Yeah, it's that. It's a comforting thing. Because I've been a bit stressed recently, so I've been listening to ASMR. What does it stand for? Automatic Sex Music Robot.

I don't know. That's the one. That'd be a good album yeah automatic I think craft work automatic sex music robot automatic sex music

robot press my button the knob comes up anyway do you want my gift yes there you go did you get

Eli one well he's sort of to share for both of us you can have it now I can see your stupid petulant face

you can you can share it what if I don't want to share it. Now I can see your stupid petulant face. You can share it. What if I don't want to share it with him? I've wrapped it nicely. Bring it out. It's wrapped in

a lovely bag and newspaper. So quality stuff. Quality. Oh, what is it? What is it? Oh, what is that? What is it? Oh, what is that? What is that?

It's a mummified rat. Is that a mummified rat? Mole. Mole. I got that on eBay. It was 16 quid. Whoa. Right, here's what I've learnt about you.

You're not allowed on eBay. I've seen the things you've put on Twitter. That is gruesome. I thought it was a white dog poo. I thought it was a white dog's poo. Or, um, not a white dog's poo. A white dog poo. Anyway, I thought that was going to be like some ginger.

Some ginger? Yeah. Pass it over, Paul. Pass it over. Well, I got that because I knew we were doing video games so that's Monty Mole is that the corpse of Monty Mole

is that how they sold it because if so they fucking saw you coming mate oh my word that is truly horrific look at it look at his screaming face

Paul yeah I know the screaming it's like it's oh crikey why is that

set my gag that is pretty cool if you were a goth if you were a goth that'd be pretty cool you could wear that round your neck on a train

couldn't you oh my god that actually set off my gag reflex congratulations it's a mummified fucking mole, Paul. He is a mole and he lives in a hole.

He lives in a hole and he's in constant fear. Well, I mean, I guess I should say thank you. Really, I kind of feel like that was a death threat. It's like something a don does.

I should have just left it on your pillow for when you went to bed tonight oh god oh my god do you have any idea how traumatised I would be thinking my cat brought that in do you not want it then Paul because I could find a place for it in the house of pickles

if you want it if it wants to go in the house of pickles for all time you could put it in a jar put a lid on yeah and make it look like it's a oh it's a thing it is a thing

would you want that then because I'm pretty sure if I get any closer to that, I'm going to barf hard. I will have it. Look at his little hand. You can see into his head as well. There's some sort of big cranny.

Big cranny in this mummified mole's head. Yeah. So, there you go. Thank you very much. You're very welcome. That's for you, Eli, too. Who was selling this? They had more than one.

They had about 15. I think it was like 15 available. They were all moles. That's its head at the front. No, that's its tail, isn't it? That's its back. That's its back. Yeah, his head's here.

That's its front. I know it's pretty hard to see. It's mandibles. Obviously, if you are listening to this podcast, there will be pictures of the things that... Whoa, man, it's gnarly. It really is gnarly. I can't believe you're touching it. I haven't actually sniffed it. pretty hard to see obviously if you are listening to this podcast there will be pictures of the things that whoa man it's gnarly it really is gnarly

I can't believe it I haven't actually sniffed it oh no that's it let's have a whiff it smells a bit like like old cigars or something yeah

it's a bit of a tobacco smell it's not an old box yeah right so I didn't expect to be literally with tears in my eyes and gagging so early on just make sure my cat doesn't get it

otherwise you and my cat are fighting over it well why do they mummify was it in with a person or was it mummified on purpose I don't know I have no idea they also sell what are called wet specimens.

So those are when you see things in jars like octopi. Oh, in the ethylcetylene. Yeah, they have various embryos

and things like that. Oh, okay. Cool. That is cool. One of the coolest things we've seen on the show, Paul. I disagree.

I think we should start having a section. No, we're not having a disagree. I think we should start having a section. We're not having a corpse. Cheap mummies. No, we're not having a corpse. Cheap corpses. No. Cut-priced corpses.

We're not doing cut-priced corpses on this show. Yeah, well, next time I'll bring... I can bring in things I've found that are dead. No, because if anything, that means I will definitely never open a P.O. box for this station, for this podcast. It's not going to happen. Yeah, you heard him, listeners.

Start sending him... Mail Paul corpses. Well, all right. Mummified cats. Yeah, you heard him, listeners. Male Paul corpses. Mummified cats. I actually have a present for Eli. Nice thing. It's not dead. There you go. Oh, thanks. Wow.

Oh, thanks. We discussed this, didn't we, Paul? Paul has bought me a Jasper Carrot LP. Because you like your comedy albums, don't you? This me a Jasper Carrot LP. Because you like your comedy albums, don't you? This is the stun Carrot Tells All,

I think it's probably. And it's one I haven't got and I do collect Carrot vinyl. So thank you very much. Good. It's in good nick. Yeah.

It's still got the inner sleeve. 50p. I'm going to just check the condition of the vinyl. Oh, that's... It's in very good condition. It's near mint. Yeah.

I'd say that was near mint. Near mint. It looks unplayed. I put it next to a box of After Eights. Then it was near mint. Shit! No, no. Fuck you.

How dare you? How dare you? We don't do that type of thing. Carrot quality, that kind of gag. That's Jasper. He doesn't do puns. He did dry observational stuff about motoring. He did that Magic Roundabout.

That's what I had on vinyl many years ago. Funky Moped. I think B-side was Magic Roundabout, which was just about... Wasn't Funky Moped banned by the BBC? I'm pretty sure I remember hearing it being banned. I thought I've seen him doing it on Top of the Pops. Yeah, to the internet.

I'm sure he performed that on the BBC. Hang on. Funky Moped. Magic Roundabout couldn't'm sure he performed that on the BBC. Hang on. Funky Moat. Imagine Roundabout couldn't have been broadcast because that was rude. Ah. If I recall. Records banned by the BBC. There's a whole website for it.

Okay. I will read out what this says from the website called 45cat.com. Do you know it, Eli? I don't. Good. Right. So a list of records that the BBC refused to play blah blah blah blah blah

yeah but we're looking at one yeah Funky Moped Funky Moped that'd be a lot easier Funky here we go right I found it

there's one instance of it mentioned Magic Roundabout Jasper's adult workout of the characters of the BBC children's TV show Magic Roundabout was never going to be played especially with the line

piss off Zebedee on the other side Funky Moped was promoted instead everyone brought the record for Magic Roundabout was never going to be played especially with the line piss off Zebedee on the other side Funky Moped was promoted instead everyone brought the record for Magic Roundabout so was that the A side and Funky Moped was the B

maybe it was then yeah but then I think Funky Moped was played because they couldn't play the other side and then that became the hit that's a shame

and he was on top I saw him yeah I've seen him doing it definitely yeah I've definitely seen him perform it do do do the Funky Moped no that's the Funky Given that is the Funky Given that's the goodies so how does do the F Do, do, do the Funky Moped. No, that's the Funky Gibbon. That is the Funky Gibbon.

That's the goodies. So how does Do the Funky Moped go? Do the Funky Moped. It was a funky song. I could just go on the internet right now and find out. I'm going on the internet right now. It's like ADHD. It is.

I just don't like open-ended stories. Funky Moped. Sit with the unknowing. I'll edit this into the show. The lights were groovy colours. The band was playing slow. We danced, just would dance together. Then she said,

I'm gonna kill you! Pressed away a teardrop. This is more of a moped, not Funky. It says Funky Moped on it. Moped, yeah? It'll get going in a sec. I think it's going to get going. Bootsy Colin style bass line's going to... It's going to come in any second.

Any minute now. He's going to drop the beat. He's going to drop on the one. Where I'm sitting, he looks a bit like Chris Tarrant. He's associated with Chris Tarrant. In what way? They had a company together. Did they?

Is it Saladon? Oh, yeah. Of course they are. This is not funky. Yeah, that's not funny. It needs some slap bass. Oh, that's just awful make him stop

make Jasper stop Jasper stop there you go now I just said that Jasper didn't do puns on the back of this LP oh here we go we've got a fucking cartoon

yeah two sheep talking to each other yeah they found that missing sheep dog then one says to the other the other answers oh yeah

where was it the other answers that yeah where was it the other answers that question breaking down the joke just outside barking oh well done so I mean that is not only a pun

it's fucking weak alright but let's be fair it's meant to look like a newspaper isn't it the album cover so that would just

be a comment it's just content you can think of a better pun than that obviously they didn't there doesn't appear to be any other humour on the back of that album there's a comment it's just content you can think of a better pun than that obviously they didn't there doesn't appear to be any other humour on the back

of that album there's a day in the life of Jasper Carr a home in a room of my own at 18 yeah is that meant

that doesn't look funny I don't know it's interesting though you look at the people who wrote for this album and Kim Fuller

I don't know if you recognise that but also Rob Grant Doug Naylor and Ian Hislop of all written material for this album if you don't know if you recognise that, but also Rob Grant, Doug Naylor and Ian Hislop, of all written material for this album. If you don't know, he liked Rob Grant, Doug Naylor, wrote Red Dwarf. Ah, not

Barry Cryer, he seems to do everyone. He does everyone. He lives near me. Does he? I see him in the pub sometimes. Oh. He must be 200 years old. He's like the last of that old guard, you know, when you think about Eric Sykes and you think of... He's a proper legend. Yeah. Kenny Everett he worked with.

Have you ever seen Bloodbath at the House of Death? No, I want to. Don't. It's not a very good film. I still want to tick it off my list. I guess so, fair enough. So, that's it. That's the first segment of the show. Thanks for the dead creature. Yeah, any time. My pleasure. We need a name for the creature.

Do you have a name in mind? You're not allowed to have Moley or Monty. Keith. Keith the dead mole. Keith the dead mole or... Oh, mate. He's all... desiccated.

I've got to stop. Dusty. Dusty the mole. When he opened it it there was an actual genuine horror there was a moment of genuine horror you weren't reacting

at first but then I was half expecting Jeremy Beadle to pop out with a fake beard and say oh you've been

punked I know that's just in Timberlake I don't know a very successful first segment of the show we are cracking on so because we've got Mr Paul Rose here today aka Mr Biff I don't know. A very successful first segment of the show.

We are cracking on. So, because we've got Mr Paul Rose here today, aka Mr Biffo, aka Sex Hammer. I know, you don't pretend you don't know you've not been called Sex Hammer in your time. What are you talking about? I've seen this graffiti.

Oh, I see. It's whimsy. You're being whimsical. Don't break the law. I got really excited then. Paul's trying a bit and it's not working. Big surprise. You see, there was part of me,

there was a little kind of tickle of excitement in my stomach. Yeah. Someone online referred to me as Sex Hammer. Right. I'll tell you what. I'm going on Twitter right now. Oh. All right.

I'm just going to put on Twitter that I'm working with Mr. Sex Hammer. And we have Mr. Sex Hammer with us today. I can think of worse nicknames. And now the internet has proof that you are called Mr. Sex Hammer. So now if I Google that... It will certainly bring up Sex Hammer at some point. Link back to me. Well, if it doesn't link you to Twitter, don't go to any other websites with Sex Hammer on them.

You may regret that. Is there such a thing as a Sex Hammer? Yes. As in a kind of tool that someone would use? Like a dildo. That's a sex hammer, isn't it? You know what fucks me off about Facebook? Not enough sex hammers. Yeah. They did this whole thing where you had to

have a real name. They were getting rid of people with fake names. And I had this fake account. Well, just this fake account well just this other account Princess Bobo which they said I'm not allowed to have anymore

but they still fucking remind me it's her birthday and shit do you know what I mean so you don't have access to Princess Bobo but they're still

like Princess Bobo hasn't heard from you in a long time fuck you told me I can't be Princess Bobo anymore I want to be Princess Bobo

but don't fucking remind me. That's like grabbing salt in the wound. Do you know what I mean? It is. They need to sort their algorithms out. Yes, they do.

Can we have that on a t-shirt? Sort your algorithms out. You know, it's that sort of aspect where nothing is allowed to die on Facebook ever, even if it's not even allowed on it.

Even people who are genuinely now dead. Yeah. I still get birthday mentions from people I know who have passed on and it's kind of weird. Yeah.

Well, they mention you. No, no. It'll say on a certain day, it's thingy's birthday. Say happy birthday. It's like, I think that's a bit bad taste if I go onto someone's dead Facebook page. But then if they're dead, how can they notify Facebook that they're dead? Well, this is the thing. I don't know how that happens, how that works.

When you die, what happens on Facebook? Yeah, it doesn't. It just stays there. Well, they call it an online sort of... Memorial. I guess that's weird. It's like a living tombstone

or something, you know, where it's like your actions. It's not living, is it? A living... All right. Now we can do a horror film, The Living Tombstone.

It's like a Mr. Man with arms and legs coming at you. With all the IP instead of face. I don't like that at all. Don't like that at all. Oh, no, no, no, no. Between that anecdote and that at all. I don't like that at all.

Between that anecdote and that mole, I'm having a really traumatic cheat show right now. Really traumatic. Imagine tombstones coming down the road. A whole army of them. And as they get close to you, your name gets etched slowly across them. I think we should hush this up. Move on.

Like the living tombstones. And if your name is spelled out in full, that's when you die. we should hush this up and move on make a few notes like the living tombstones yeah oh I like this yeah and if your name is spelled out in full yeah that's when you die oh I like all this so you've got to stop them

before how do you wrestle a tombstone difficulty a little bit of sex hammer just smash it right copyright

cheap show 2018 including Paul because you've got to give him some credit sex hammer versus the walking tombstones mate it writes itself it writes itself franchise in fact I might call this episode including Paul, because you've got to give him some credit. Sex Hammer versus The Walking Tombstones.

Mate, it writes itself. It writes itself. In fact, I might call this episode that, but it might be a bit too long to put on the podcast. Can I put the muck in the mole? Can I put the muck in the mole? Please don't get your dead mole out. I'll be the sidekick on his shoulder. This mole actually turns your stomach, doesn't it, Paul?

Yeah. Wave under Paul's nose. I've got a very weird gag reflex. Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. We are having a video game special today in lieu of the fact that Mr. Biffo, a.k.a. Paul Rose, a.k.a. Sexhammer, is here today. Right? Yes.

So I just thought we'd begin, very easily, by just having a chat about old video games. Oh, great. Because that's what people fucking love talking about, innit? They do. They fucking... Why is it we are so obsessed now, do you think, with old video games

more than ever before? I don't know. Right, this is going to be a very difficult conversation. Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, go on. Oh, yeah. I think it is nostalgia, innit? It's like remembering

shit and that. People remember shit that isn't here anymore and then they think, oh, I remember that. Remember that. Yeah, that is't here anymore and then they think oh I remember that remember that yeah that is what

nostalgia is in a fucking nutshell well played I think it's in our era it's particularly vivid because we've

gone through this huge change in media haven't we to digitalisation so the physicality of and I think it works

for video games obviously with vinyl vinyl's become the most fetishised of all formats because of its physicality yeah

because it exists and it was just yesteryear it was just round the corner when it was actually you know something yeah

that had some meaning video games are the same now I saw Conker's Bad Fur Day in CEX selling for £320 what the fuck that was exactly

my expression was it mint on card it wasn't that mint it was in a box but it wasn't that mint play it on I've got it on Rare Replay

on the Xbox that's the point I mean that's the whole point it's the same with vinyl you can get it but people want the physical they want it and they want it

to treat it like it's a gatefold LP with all the special bits and bobs in like Jasper Carrot's album like Jasper Carrot's album and Like Jasper Carrot's album. And that's why you get all these mini console things. Yeah.

That's pure fetishism. There's too many of these mini consoles. Are you be alright? There's about three. No, there's loads though. Well, yeah, but they're not proper ones, are they? Are they not? They're just shitty kind of...

Because there's that Commodore one. Yeah. That's the latest one. The two Nintendo ones. The two Nintendo ones. Sega's just released one, haven't they? It's not out yet. Yeah. That's the latest one. The two Nintendo ones. The two Nintendo ones. Sega's just released one, haven't they? It's not out yet. All right.

There's definitely... They've done that in the past. There's like Atari flashback and stuff, but they're not proper. No. They're not like proper kind of replicas, like the snares and... But ultimately, it's just a circuit board

with a plastic shell around it. Yeah, the shell, that's it. That's the fetish. It's the object. Reminds you of when you were a kid. They don't want to touch it rub their fingers on it I don't

I've got all my old consoles they all still work fine I don't want a mini one unless I want to look like a giant well there is a certain or if you're Eli

look normal sized you know what I like to do I like to pretend I'm a whale whilst eating squids you know you get squids you get like little squids in restaurants no that's fine how did we go from small arcade consoles to you get squids? You get like little squids in restaurants. No, that's fine. How did we go from small arcade consoles

to you eating squids and pretending you're a whale? Like, you can pretend you're big with a small version of the consoles. Sometimes I pretend I'm a big whale, Paul. Here's a question for you, which I thought of on the way here, which you just reminded me of. What's the deal with foam shrimps

that you get in newsagents? You know, the pink foam shrimp. Is this a stand-up bit? Hey, what's the deal with foam shrimps that you get in newsagents? You know the pink foam shrimps? Is this a stand-up bit? Hey, what's the deal with that? Hey, you guys! You crazy cooks! I'm trying to get this foam shrimp into the overhead locker on you! Oh, God. I don't know what is with foam shrimps.

It's not a punchline. It isn't a stand-up routine. I know I said it out loud. Yeah, I know know but why shrimps oh I see yes Eli will know I do not know but you know

you've got those fried egg ones it's one of those it's those things something those I get why because you've got

two textures you've got the foamy bit and then the gummy bit probably Mr Wonka or whatever was like oh god I've got three tonnes

of this pink fucking goof that looks like shrimp. That looks like shrimp. It accidentally formed into the shape of a shrimp. That's my chance. Yeah, he was like, I've got all this pink muck. Oh, look, you've got some. What is pink?

What animal? Yeah, well, okay, I suppose. What is pink? So here's another question for you about, and this is the other thing that popped into my head. Why do we refer to them as foam shrimp and not foam prawns?

Because in this country... They're not as prawns. Yeah. And shrimp is an American... I'm just going to put Paul's hands... Sorry, I was... It's weird, though, because... Is shrimp the American term?

It's slightly sexually tingling in my ear. ASMR. Yeah. It's not sexual. Automatic sex music robot. Press the button. Shrimp's an American word then. Well, yeah.

Are they? Yeah. So, I don't know. Maybe it caught on in America first as a sweet candy. No, they don't. Americans have no idea of the foam shrimps. What? Intriguing.

Maybe it's just catchier. Maybe it looked better on the side of a packet of sweets. Foam prawn. Foam prawn. Sounds like something you do at a party. Sounds like a frog rock. Fo-par. Yeah, fo-par. Foam prawn.

I've just made a foam prawn. Maybe that's what happened with Mr Walker. He didn't mean to make them. I was watching some ASMR and I made a bit of a foam prawn. No, Paul. If your spunky was all pink and frothy If I spunked candy,

do you know how happy I'd be? Yeah. If I was pumping out Haribo-shaped If you died of an illness. I'd sit on my back, watch porn,

and create a cottage industry of Gannon's gummy candy. Paul Gannon, the candy man. Made on my belly. Come on, I can't believe

we've got to this, but it has made me have a little thought. You can have a little, a little, a little, a little ice cube tray for your cum

and like a mould. Yeah. I think you can put it in your belly. Or, you know, you can get those jellies, I don't know if they still do, that were in the shape

of like He-Man and you can just peel it off. Oh, you used to love those. Yeah. Here we go can put it in your belly. Or, you know, you can get those jellies, I don't know if they still do, that were in the shape of like He-Man, and you could just peel off the back. Oh, you used to love those. Yeah. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah. And they had whole different textures to like an ordinary gummy.

Yeah, they were almost wet. They were almost wet. Imagine that was spunk. You do not see those anymore, do you? No, you don't. But you could line a few up on your chest, line them back on your bed, jacket, fill them up,

let them set. Ganon's belly candy. Gandhi's belly candy. Gandhi's belly candy. David Gandhi's belly candy. By Juke. Yeah. What are we talking about?

We're talking about retro. Yeah, okay. So I will say this. I bought that Rare replay. Have you played it? Yeah. I find it interesting that all the early games are almost unplayable. Yes.

The only one I could play was Attic Attack. Attic Attack. Attic Attack. Jetpack. I find that quite easy to play. Really? Yeah. I played Saberwolf and found it impossible to play.

What is this? So Rare, the company that used to be called Ultima. Ultima to play the game. A game came out for the Xbox One, which is everything, not everything, but 30 games that Rare made over the course of 30 years.

So you get all the old Spectrum. What platforms did they make games for? Atari? It was mostly home computers in the 80s. And then 90s, they kind of started making stuff for Nintendo. So Blastcore, Banjo Kazooie, Perfect Dark,

Conker's Bad Fur Day, GoldenEye 64. Conker's Bad Fur Day the one with the big poo and he wipes his arse with. That's it. Yeah it's a singing

poo. And it's called The Great Poo. Yeah. It's one of my favourite games ever and I was replaying it recently because I

bought that replay. Fuck me it's hard but not in a way that's fair. It's like, oh, the camera's shit. But were you playing on the original hardware? No, this is playing on the Xbox One. Oh, okay. Because have you tried playing anything with the Nintendo 64 joypad? It feels sluggish and slow now.

It's just awful. Yeah, it's weird. It's a terrible piece of hardware. I went to a nightclub, and it was one of those trendy let's put video games on the tables thing, and they had GoldenEye and I'm playing it and it felt like

I was playing GoldenEye in the mud. I don't know if that was always the case but it felt slow and it dragged and it's weird how you look back

and go, all the hours I spent on GoldenEye, these days I have no interest in spending any time on GoldenEye. Well, time moves on. Time moves on, Paul.

It does. So anyway, the only game I found from that period that was easy to play was Attic Attack which was fun. Genuinely fun but I found from that period that was easy to play was Attic Attack which was fun

genuinely fun but I didn't know what I was doing no that's my trouble with Attic Attack I always did it back in the day it was like

oh this is quite pretty you turn it on you load it and then you have to guess what you do basically all those games were like that

all those games were like that I remember playing Jack the Nipper on the Amstrad I didn't know what I was doing I never knew

what I was doing did never knew what I was doing did you ever play that I no did you ever play any games yes I did yes did you

I don't know what your history is like in this respect my friend used to have an Atari yeah and then he got all of the he was bought consoles

every year or whatever every two years so you got second hand splash back gaming so I got to watch him play them for hours on end

that sounds fun and sort of go give us a go and he wouldn't give me a fucking go and then he'd get so frustrated with

the game that he would cause himself physical damage did you used to do that I think you did didn't you Paul rage quitting

yeah I think I only rage quit once and it might have been when I was writing the guy for Conker's Bad Fur Day funnily enough.

I've seen him literally smack a Game Boy on his face. No, I've never done that. I did it with Donkey Kong or Game & Watch 1. I threw it across the room

and I'd got it for Christmas and I had to tell my mum I dropped it down the stairs. It smashed completely. It completely ruined. I was always aware of all of that stuff, but I didn't have it at home.

No. So I wasn't, you know. Even going back to the Amstrad, I think he had an Amstrad Jet Set Willy we used to enjoy. What was Jet Set Willy? That was like Monty Mole bit, wasn't it? It was like Monty Mole. Similar in terms of its platformer.

See, I always thought it was more famous, Jet Set Willy. Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't. No, it is. It's on that rare thing. It's way more famous. No, Jet Set Willy's's on that rare thing. It's way more famous. No, Jet Set Willie's not on the rare thing. Isn't it? Am I getting confused?

Made by Matthew Smith. Oh, okay. I'm getting confused. I thought that was part of that. What about Manic Miner? I don't remember playing that. That was a sequel to Jet Set Willie. That was the first one.

And then they did Jet Set Willie where he was picking up glasses. Is that the one where he has a big house he has to explore and then you go in a big rocket at the end oh no well that was jet set woolly too the whole aim of jet set woolly was to get to bed

and his housekeeper wouldn't let him more games should have that instead of saving a princess or solving the apocalypse he has to clear up

his house go to bed have a nice nap that was a whole that was much more of a 60s thing isn't it the whole psychedelic

psychedelic pop was obsessed with going to bed. Yeah, and that was the thing about Jack the Nipper. You play it and you know you have to be naughty, but I don't know what the ultimate goal of the game was. There was like ghosts floating around. I never saw a ghost ever in that game. If you like a genre that's about going to bed, choose psychedelic pop for the late 60s in Britain.

Do you ever play Back to School? Because I played that once and again. That's my game. That's one of my top five games of So what's the point of that then? You've got to get

your school report out of the headmaster's safe. Oh. So it does have an objective. So your mum doesn't see it.

Yeah. That's criminal. Yeah. Well, yeah, more criminal still. You have to get the report out of the safe by shooting

the teachers in the head with a well that wouldn't fly these days would it but the best thing about it was that you could write swear words on the blackboard it's the thing it was famous for i just miss games that are called like slice of life games you don't really get those anymore go to school i remember that and then i remember he had atari he i remember him playing the wooden ones one that looked like a pitfall was that that atari really frustrating for, the one that looked like a pitfall. Was that that Atari? Really frustrating for Atari game.

Fact, the advert for Pitfall had a very young Jack Black in it. Yes, it did. I've seen that. I have a fact in my pocket. And he did have the famous E.T. game, which I remember playing. And I remember him saying, this is incredibly frustrating and shit. My friend, Michael, who lived near me, had an Atari. And I used to go around there to play empire strikes back on it and one time i mean he used to hog it as well like your mate and one time

we played a game hide and seek uh and i think his sister was looking for us and michael can't be told me to hide in his mom's wardrobe with him hello he showed me while we were in there he showed me his mum's dildo oh which is huge which is that was a bit weird well they took bigger batteries back then

they had to accommodate they had to build him into the show hey yeah that's a high five moment you're not allowed in that one fuck you

so there was that and then when we really got into it was with the what was the one before the Super NES just the NES the Famicom

but what was the one the first one that had Mario Kart was the Super NES oh the first Mario Kart was Super Nintendo yeah that that was a big event

was it we fucking played Mario Kart on that a lot a lot a lot and A lot. A lot.

And Battle Mode, which I still think hasn't been better. With the balloons. Yeah. Yeah, that was the best mode on that game. Not enough people appreciate it. It was absolutely fucking great. And I know I might have told you this before, Paul. Yeah. The physics on that was so brilliant with the red shells that hunt people down.

Yeah. so brilliant with the red shells that hunt people down that on battle mode we got so into it that there was one point where I shot a red shell and he was hiding sort of close to a block.

He was hugging the block to avoid the red shell. The red shell starts orbiting this block and it's like stuck in this loop orbiting this block. And as long as in this loop orbiting this block you know and as long as he stayed there he must have been terrified it was just orbiting around

it wasn't going to go anywhere it just hung in there as soon as he stuck his head out bosh bang so the physics on the battle mode was fucking amazing

it was real it was a really good that might be the first time ever on Cheap Show you've looked happy with a memory. It's nice. No, I love that game.

The weird thing for me was when you look back on it, people would say, oh, Nintendo wasn't big in this country. It was all Sega or home computers. SNES was. Well, this is the thing that SNES was, but I only remember growing up with a Nintendo kind of console in the house. Yeah, I never saw the NES for sale anywhere other than Harrods. Not that I went to Harrods often.

And that was the only place I ever saw one for sale. And that was Mattel who sold it through them. I'd say, yeah. It's weird. I remember babysitting during the 90s, and they had an NES, and I played in it all the time. I knew no one with one. You were babysitting?

Yeah. I was responsible for two young children. Unofficial babysitting. When I was 15. Oh, yeah. Well oh yeah well don't mate don't turn this turn it what

you know what you're trying to turn it I'm not turning what you're turning it you're making it a little bit U-tree I don't appreciate it no you haven't

you are I'm not you are you haven't you have that's what our band has become now you're a cunt

no you're a cunt alright then I'm a cunt Keith the desiccated mole is on my side. That's Keith, is it? I guess Keith settled in then.

Fucking Keith. Do you think if I drip some sweat onto Keith, he might reanimate? I wonder what it would take to bring him back to life. Well. Stuff some guts in there. The power of a god. And I do not have the power of a god. Do you have the power of a god?

No. Do you have the power of a god? Yeah. Oh. Show me a god power right now. Alright, he's doing the wiggly worm movements and it's good. Is it god level?

God tier. Don't get me fucking started on that. Fucking. He's so angry about those snack things where they rate everything by tiers and there's always god tier which is the best. But isn't it meant to be boss tier isn't it like boss level

where does this God thing come from I mean religion I mean it's just because God is the holy highest loveliest thing in the world isn't it doesn't get better than God

doesn't how dare you say anything's worse than God anything's what better than God shut up how dare I say anything's worse than God

no shut up I've lost my thread. You've ruined my podcast with your sense. Have you got anything coming up in this show? Yeah, alright. We'll move on to a proper segment now.

I just thought we'd have a bit of a banter. A nice bit of bants. Top bants. I'm not going to say that or take part in this. You should say top bants, guys,

and then we'll move on. I'm not going to say that. Hey, top bants, guys. Fuck you all. Right, so we're going to be oh fuck my mouth only if you ask

me nicely Eli will you put your slinky dink in my gobby wob yes Dick Willington

Dickington Willington Dickington Willoughby put your dusty mole in his mouth yeah put your

desiccated mole corcus in my gobble. It is quite phallic. Keith is quite phallic. Can I honestly say I don't want that anywhere, anywhere near my mouth. Stop touching it. I like it. It actually does look like a chub on.

Are we sure this isn't the head though? Yeah, that's its tail. It's not. That's its tail. Even I can see that. Tell me those aren's not. That's its tail. Even I can see that. Tell me those eyes, Steve. That is its head. You are all wrong.

I've identified Keith's head. It does look... It looks a bit like a... Look, it's his pointy nose. Yeah, they are teeth. We were wrong. God, it looks like he's clawing his way out of somewhere. It looks like he's scared.

Yeah. Well, yeah, because that's how his life's ended up. Look at that. Keith was frightened to death. Keith is cool as fuck. I have to say, man. It's not.

You know what? I appreciate that you appreciate that, but that to me is a hellscape. Yes. Right, good. So, we're going to do,

on the video game theme today, I thought I'd be clever. We're going to do a League of Snacks thing now. But what are we reviewing? Well, I thought with it being video games-y, let's review Space Raiders.

Space Raiders in two flavours. There is the Space Raiders beef and the Space Raiders pickled onion. Is this for the League of Snacks? This is the League of Snacks. It's a League of Snacks situation. It's not a cheap piece. It's League of Snacks. What would you like? I think we should rate them. Space Raiders pickled onion. All right, is this for the League of Snacks? This is the League of Snacks. This is a League of Snacks situation. It's not a cheap piece. It's League of Snacks. What would you like?

I think we should rate them. Space Raiders are, you know, a brand of crisps that are well-known. Yes. Okay. So, League of Snacks it is. This is a League of Snacks situation. And crisps.

And, yeah, I know. Stop doing that every fucking time. It's crisps as well, everybody. I'm never going to drop that. I've meant to be on a diet for the last month. This is the first time I've eaten crisps

in probably about six weeks. Oh, you're going to love it. You don't have to have a whole bag, though, so it's not like you're going to ruin your diet. Yeah, but they're my trigger food. It's like an alcoholic.

I really can't. Crisps are my thing. Oh, my God. I'm going to have to pull them out of the cupboard and he's in ravenous from eating the bread. I'm not losing any

bloody weight anyway. All right, so value for money, nostalgia, texture, and flavour. Those are the four pillars of the

League of Snacks. And crisps, everybody, and crisps. Yeah, it's not funny. Right, so where do we start

with Space Raiders? They are notoriously in the UK known as a budget snack, right? And weren't there other ones called Transformer Snacks? I nearly got those but then I realised I only had two pounds not three in my pocket, which is why I spent two pounds. So Transformer Snack we should do

because it wouldn't be fair to them. We need to bring them into this. But Space Raiders they appeared as a 10p as a cheap alternative to Monster Munch. They are a Monster Munch alternative. They are.

I added nothing and I fucked the sentence up. They used to have a packaging designed by a comics artist called Brett Ewins. I did not know that. And it was pretty cool

and this seems sort of much more pared down, dumbed down. Did they have a little cartoon ship on the back or something? No. No? I don't think so.

Or maybe it had some facts on the back. Yeah. Kind of about the characters. Yeah. The ships or something. On the back of this. Oh, there you go. They've got stats.

Space Raider stats. So, Mr. Beef, here's his stats. But still, again, the artist isn't the same. No, that's not Brett Ewins. Brett Ewins, where would I know his work from? 2000AD. What did he draw in 2000AD? He did Rogue Trooper Brett Ewins. Brett Ewins, where would I know his work from? 2000 AD. What did he draw in 2000 AD?

He did Rogue Trooper. Fucking excellent. Bad Company. Yeah. He's dead now. Oh. He died in a sad

way. Well, we'll move on because this is a comedy podcast and I won't say something insensitive. Everyone likes what?

Verne Troyer and Dale Winton. Let's not mention recent people. The minute Dale Winton died, the number of tweets I got saying, did you mention him on Cheap Show?

Or on Barshens? There seems to be a curse of Cheap Show straight Barshens where we mention them. Do you know what that is? What? Coincidence. I know that, but it's good for the mythology of Cheap Show and Barshens, isn't it?

We're magic. Yeah, that we have celebrities. We have the power to bring celebrities to their death. We cannot. No, because we can't kill Noel Edmonds. Noel Edmonds will be here at the heat death of the universe. We'll set him the mole. Yeah.

Just enormously in the post. Keith knows what you're up to. I don't know why he's got Eli's voice all of a sudden. So Space Raiders, here they are. Before we go any further, I want to just give you the stats of the character for Beef because he does have Is he actually called Beef? His species is Giant Gruber.

His home planet is I think it's Zouch or Souch. S-O-U-C-H Souch. Habitat Forest and Caves. And favourite snack AstroTurf Grazed Bovine and Beef Space Raiders. Well that's amusing. Very amusing.

And its height is 3.5 metres tall. Wow. Okay, well would you want to hear about the pickled onion space raider stats? No. The species sectoid. Oh, that's sexy. Home planet Zeta Reticuli Eli.

1X. What's that? What's 1X? I don't know. What is 1X? In Roman numerals. 1X. He comes from the planet E-Light. What's 1X? I don't know. What is 1X? In Roman numerals. 1X is nine. Home planet,

Zeta Reticu- Roman numerals masters. Yeah. Habitat, cyber cities. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make sense. What does that mean?

Habitat, cyber cities. Cyber cities would be more interesting. That's Glasgow, isn't it? He's a- Bristol. He's a brilliant guy. I had some cider in Bristol. Scrumpy down there.

Yeah, it was. It's scrumpy style. It was called Festival or something. It was like this pub had a special one. Proper flat. And it was like 25% or something. And you only could get it in halves. And they had to tick off how many halves you'd had.

Really? Yeah. It's similar to the zombie. You know the zombie cocktail? No. Most places, zombies is a huge rum cocktail which they serve in a

big pineapple shaped glass. It's massive. Yeah. But you're only allowed three. Yeah. Oh, because everything's

in it. Yeah. I mean it's got like 10 units in it. Whereas at university we had a place that sold a cocktail called the Death Star.

And it was eight pounds and it came in two pint glasses because it was basically a and it came in two pint glasses because it was basically a bit of everything behind the bar. That is absolutely disgusting. It was. Irresponsible nonsense. It had a greenish brown colour to it.

Did the zombie one, was it foamy at the top? Don't start. Don't start. Paul, did you get Paul's froth on? Was it frothy? As the words came out of my mouth, I realised what the fuck. The zombie is a legitimate cocktail.

Yeah, I know. I've had a zombie. It is. I think it's like a pineapple, coconut. It's like a punch, like a Caribbean style. The one I had, had a load of sort of black froth

coming kind of over the edge. I think they said it a light as well. This wasn't flaming. So that zombie, was it in your head? No. In your head. Zombie.

Zombie. So, and his favourite snack, our sectoid space raider guy. Yeah. Boggart Globules. Ooh. And pickled onion space raiders. Of course. Okay, he's on brand.

He's on brand. So, which one do you want to do first, pickled onion or beef? I'm just, yeah, I don't mind. Beef. Let's let Paul decide. What do you want to do? Pickled onion or beef? Well, see, I've already got an opinion on these.

Oh. So I'm going to say pickled onion first. Okay. Although that could overwhelm the beef. That's what I'm thinking. Now, Eli, I have to stress this right now. We finalized the results for the League of Stacks. Although Paul is here as a guest, his views and comments can only be taken in an advisory state.

Okay. And we can't make it law. Okay, so you are here to maybe break a tie in our score, like if we can't decide on something. I can do that. If your opinion has any weight at all we'll consider it but ultimately

it's down to you and me isn't it Eli? It certainly is now the other thing that interests me is they're called Space Raiders which is like a

play on Space Invaders I believe so but that whole thing doesn't really exist anymore does it? Space Invaders is perhaps one of the most you know old it's nostalgia anymore, does it? Space Invaders is perhaps one of the most, you know, old...

It's nostalgia again, isn't it? It's nostalgia. I know. People still buy those fucking little dinky arcade cabinets that you can buy for a tenner that, you know, have, I believe, like a blackberry pie or something in them and just the game slapped on it or something. I don't know.

There's very small ones of Pac-Man you can get there. Literally. And they work. I know. Bizarre, though, I don't know. There's very small ones of Pac-Man you can get there, literally. And they work. I know, bizarre though, because my parents always used to say, get away from the TV,

you'll lose your eyesight. And now if I'm playing a game that's that big, with a little tiny joystick, I am definitely going to lose my eyesight. Don't do it then. I won't then.

Alright, fuck you. Can I just say, the size of these packets is very odd. They're 86.5 grams. That's not standard. No, these are...

There is no standard. This is what we're learning. On the last episode of the League of Snacks, we did Quavers, Wotsits, and Pickled Onion Monster Munch. All grab bags. Yeah. Grab bag size. All made by walkers.

Yeah. All arbitrary different grammages. That's very strange. It's very strange. The Quavers was like 38, the Watts is 36, and yeah. 40 for the pickled onion. 40 for the pickled onion.

So I appreciate that these aren't standard bag size. These are the, we would say the grab bag style. Well, I'd say, they're not like full kind of big kettle chip size, are they? No. But they're bigger than the big pickled onion monster munch bags. They're bigger like full kind of big kettle chip size, are they? No. But they're bigger than the big pickled onion Monster Munch bags.

They're bigger than Grab. They're one up from Grab bag size. Yeah. They're about a double Grab bag. Well, let's start with beef, because I think beef is a nice subtle flavour, and then we can get to the hardcore shit with pickled onion next. Okay.

Yep. So we're comparing them, really, to the classic, which is the Monster Munch roast beef flavour, isn't it? I guess we can compare them to some extent, but we have to look at the... I always like to get the sock sniff in there. Very subtle smell. Very subtle smell.

Not at all bold. What do you think? You get his nose right in there. Oh, look at it. Slightly burnt. It's a slightly burnt sort of artificial beef smell. It's almost sugary. Not as overwhelming as a Monster Munch, is it? That's slightly burnt. It's slightly burnt. It's a slightly burnt sort of artificial beef smell. It's almost sugary. Not as overwhelming as a Monster Munch, is it? That's for sure.

Yeah, that's for sure. Whereas the Monster Munch looks like a claw, these look like little grey alien heads. Space Invader grey alien heads. So there you go. Take one. They're quite consistent with the image on the front of the package. Very consistent.

It's integral to the artwork, and I think it marries it in quite nicely. Okay. Let's have a little taste. They taste like a slightly watered-down version of beef Monster Munch. They do. They don't have the strength of flavour, do they? The amplitude is, I think, what you're getting at, Eli. The amplitude.

Say it. I'm not going to say it. Say amplitude. I'm not saying what you're getting at, Eli. The amplitude. Say it. I'm not going to say it. Say amplitude. I'm not saying amplitude. You fucking work for me. Say amplitude. I won't fucking say anything. You say it.

You say it. Say it, or you don't get your money. Cuntitude. All right, you met me in the middle. I'll take that. Well played.

Paul, what do you think? Well, what am I commenting on first? Anything you like. Overall flavour, texture, whatever you want. Now, I commenting on first anything you like overall flavour texture whatever you want now I'm a big

Space Raiders fan and I'm particularly a big beefy Space Raiders fan and I do prefer them to Monster Munch because I find although the Monster Munch

have a more powerful flavour yes the texture hurts my mouth so they're a bit hard Monster Munch

whereas these are quite soft. They do have round edges. They almost melt in your mouth. Yeah, they do. They're kind of a step towards what's it? They're more tender, yeah. I always sort of thought that was because they were cheaper. They couldn't obtain the amplitude.

No. I'm not going to, I don't mean it. I'm not going to say amplitude if I don't mean amplitude. Say it or you don't get any of Gandhi's special belly candy. Yeah, so the texture is unique to these cheaper ones, isn't it? Yeah. I'm happy with that. It has a sort of harder shell and then very little connecting matter inside.

Do you know what I'm getting at? They're very airy. Yeah, they're airy. I'm picking up what you're putting down, mate. They're more airy. They've got're airy. I'm picking up what you're putting down, mate. They're more airy. They've got more air inside. Airy, yeah. You made that point abundantly clear.

But that does give them a lightness. And I think they're very nice, I have to say. Well, again, I think the original bags are maybe 20, 30p now, the original size. Yes. And you get a quarter of the bag in there. I think that's decent. That's enough for a snack. That's more, yeah, easily.

So a quick, cheeky... Lunchbox snack. Yeah. Stick it in. Bit of crunch. Bit of flavour. It's only really the flavour that lets it down. It's just a little bit,

I'd say a little bit more watered down, but the exact same kind of... It's not as strong. Not as strong a flavour, but like Paul says, it's the texture. I don't mind the texture at all. I do like the fact that it's softer and rounder.

Nice texture. Bubblier Gets stuck in your teeth nicely This one had a bit more flavour on it, a bit more of the old beef dust You should have given it a shake You're right, I didn't shake it Especially with these cheaper You get the dust

We learned with Bobby's snacks Get the best out of them, give the bag a shake Oh, they a shake burger lumps yeah and we got mentioned by Bobby's on their Twitter feed by saying we've had great feedback with

the curry flavored snacks bloody good snack man and they are retiring it but they might bring it back soon and they brought something else out in

its place in and a kind of beefy burger something or other flavor like a limited edition for the beefy sticky barbecue ribs that was a thing I saw that

you should try to get sponsorship oh mate we've tried but I think they listen to the show and go let's not that's what happened with me

funny enough with Space Raiders really yeah they were interested and then they watched one and were like oh fuck off

so I don't buy their snacks anymore no I do unfortunately because I do really like Space Raiders yeah they're nice so we're going to have to rank these then.

So, all right, we'll comment and you can chip in if we deem it appropriate for you to have an opinion in this section. It's scientific conditions. I just need to understand that.

Say yes, Paul. Say yes, Paul, and then we can move on. Paul, stop with this demanding we do shit thing. A bit of honey catches more flies.

You know what I mean? Fucking show us a nice tasteful... Show us a tasteful little piece of side boob or something and then we might be... Look, I didn't actually

mean that. A bit of honey. A little bit of titposs. Are you squirting sebum? It's like the house bosom. It's like a bit of green tit... nipples... schism.

All right, good. So, you've stopped procrastinating. All right, we're going for it. We're going to start with... Let's go with flavour first. Out of 10, how are you thinking? I'm thinking around the sort of high 7s. 7.5?

I'd say 7.75. 7.75? 7.75 7.75 that's very particular you may as well bump it up to 8 at that point to be fair I would only go

with.25 and.75 if we have to split the difference between us I would say 7.5 what do you think

well I don't know if I've got an opinion on that you do have an opinion it just won't be automatically registered it's his favourite crisp is obviously

going to be high well I wouldn't I know they're not my favourites but I like them because I like the little size of the bag. I like the fact they don't hurt my mouth

and you've got some beef. Yeah, that is true. So just for calibration, what would be your all-time classic snack or crisp, Paul? Or fucking crisp? Well, possibly

Walker's Marmite flavour. Ooh. That is fucking strong. That is strong. I like a bit of that back of the throat. Do they still make it? Yeah. Crisp and strong.

Oh, good. Yeah, yeah. But the best crisps I ever had were in Kiev in Ukraine when I'd gone to Chernobyl years ago. Okay. This is true. It's not the inside of your mouth. It's hard skin oh god

it's tumours yeah no mushroom flavour I can't get them anywhere mushroom flavour and they were like a brand

a Russian brand no every brand of Ukrainian crisp have a mushroom they have a mushroom flavour they're ubiquitous if anyone's listening

in Russia and wants to send us a bag of mushroom crisps I've tried this on bloody Twitter I've even got a Ukrainian fan and he didn't take the bait when I was

started to go on to him alright if Putin or Trump are listening can you arrange it a little bit of politics a little bit of politics alright okay

what would you give it as a flavour out of 10 then just because it's nice to have a calibration I'm going to give it an 8 you see though they're a favourite of mine, it's

the overall package that I like about them. Okay, so where do you stand on it? Maybe 7.75. 7.75. We'll do that then. I think that splits the difference perfectly. We'll move on to texture now. And I think texture, this is where you know, someone would try and

sort of insult them and say, look, your texture isn't up to scratch. Yeah. Your texture isn't as good as these other more premium corn-based maize products, such as Monster Munch. Such as. Such as Quavers. Such as Watsits. You know, this whole world of quality out there. And they'd say you've got kind of a hard shell and then an empty inside.

Almost like the atoms that make up matter. I didn't expect to go there either, to be fair. Well, with an atom you've got a shell of electrons, crispy shell of electrons and then you've got to go fucking miles down to get to the cheesy centre of the nucleus. You know what I mean?

But I like it but I like it yeah I like the texture I would say to you if you've got a nice slab of beef or steak you want it to be

melt in the mouth don't you on the inside you want the outside to be cooked and have a slight crispness to it and you want the

outside to melt that would be my ultimate steak there you go and these I think yeah and I agree with you

they are more gentle in the mouth than the hardcore monster munch yes and we've discussed this there's a kind of masochism with some people

who are into monster munch and they like to get it rough get my old gums all bleedy some people who eat monster munch and they're not happy unless they're stained red

with their bleeding gums sometimes they are a kind of abuse and you know sometimes self abuse there are times I've eaten a monster munch and he's caught my gums. Sometimes they are a kind of abuse. You know, sometimes self-abuse. There are times I've eaten a Monster Mush and he's caught my gums

and I've ended up with an ulcer. Oh. Yeah. I've lost count. So, texture's a toughie. I'm thinking, Paul, let's just go

for a straight seven. I mean, it's a good texture. I don't think it's... I think you can taste the quality of the snack in it. So I think it's crunchy enough. It's smooth enough that it doesn't good texture. I don't think it's... I think you can taste the quality of the snack in it. So I think it's crunchy enough. It's smooth enough that it doesn't do damage.

You know, I would say seven as well. It's fine. I'm going to go for eight again. Okay. I know I may be scoring highly, but they are... I need to have another test just to make sure I don't rate this poorly. They're a bit insubstantial I think that's what

you could level that at them they're not memorable in the afterlife they don't taste cheap even though they are if that makes sense okay

so I'm going to go 7.5 I'm going to come down I would say 7.5 to your rate so where do you want to go do you want to stick with I didn't say 8

oh what did you say 7 I said 7.5 7.5 oh then we'll do 7.5 I think everyone's going to be happy with that then alright I'm going to 7. Oh, what did you say? Seven. I said 7.5. 7.5. Oh, then we'll do 7.5. I think everyone's going to be happy with that then. All right. 7.5 for taste.

All right. Sorry, for... Texture. Texture. There we go. 7.5. Okay. Nostalgia.

Now, this is weird because surely these were invented. Yeah, they were at some point. At some point, they were conceived. Well done, Paul. You just say some things and I'll just come in. It seems like there's a natural end of the sentence. Because that is such a fucking good comedy technique, isn't it? Wait till someone seems like

they've finished a sentence, or could have finished a sentence, and then come in, like a cunt. Maybe if you didn't, you know... Didn't, didn't? What, didn't? There was an art to it, mate, to be fair. There was an art to it mate there was an art to it and why I don't disagree that it's a cheap job I disagree

anyway yeah right what what were you saying nothing who cares you said nostalgia they were made in a time now I'm saying

they were invented yeah probably don't jump in I have to bite my they were invented with nostalgia in mind yeah it's my natural fucking rhythm I have to bite my they were invented with nostalgia in mind yeah

it's my natural fucking rhythm I have when I speak which you know makes it sound good and makes people want to hear it and you know

anyway go on you're attacking that yeah have you not figured out the format of this fucking show yeah I'm just

Paul but wouldn't you not agree Paul's yeah would you not agree that it was it was manufactured with a sort of

built in nostalgia element like as a part of what reason that they exist they've been around though haven't they they've been around a long time so I don't think

I think the fact they're still going is the nostalgia element yeah I mean I certainly remember them going into sweet shops corner shops and getting them with a little bag of sweets

would they have been out when Space Raiders was still an arcade cabinet that you would play I do not think so I think they were I mean, I certainly remember them going into sweet shops, corner shops, and getting them with a little bag of sweets and things like that in the 80s. But would they have been out when Space Raiders was still an arcade cabinet that you would play? I do not think so. I think they were. We can sort that out with the internet. Let's look on the internet. I think they've been around certainly late 70s. What are they called, Space Raiders?

Remember Horror Bags? Horror Bags, Skydivers, and Space Raiders were all around at the same time. What are Horror Bags? Sweets? No, crisps. What are horror bags? Sweets? No, crisps. What? Fangs, claws. I think I vaguely remember them.

They don't exist anymore, do they? No, they're long gone. Well, like most things, originally made by KP Snacks. We find that a lot. KP have been the originators of these snacks and then just been bought up by... Well, you know what still is KP? Hula Hoops.

The Hula Hoop dynasty. And they do a type of pot noodle as well, I think, still. I need to double check that. Assorted nuts. Space Raiders. This is a shock to me. Were launched in 1987

at the retail price of 10 pence. No. There you go. No. And it remained at that price until October 2007 when the price increased to 15p it went to 25p

before going back to 20 blah blah blah 87 so that is definitely we're out of the space

invaders era by maybe a good decade so what would they be coasting on nostalgia wise in 87 they wouldn't be

no they wouldn't be trading on cabinets there was no nostalgia for video games in 87 but was sci-fi generally aliens ufology that kind of thing big maybe mini comic strips were printed on the back of the packets oh you were right they have over the years included the adventures of astra and her space pirates through to the current stories of aliens

being afraid of the crunching sounds of space raiders being eaten although they don't do that anymore um there you go everything's gone shit hasn't it you know there used to be some actual of the crunching sounds of space faders being eaten. Although they don't do that anymore. There you go. Everything's gone shit, hasn't it? You know? There used to be some actual sort of love, like, you know, put into the design and it's all gone sort of...

Stories on the back. It's like Bazooka Joe. To be fair, though, the 80s did have a lot of alien stuff in it. There was, like, Flight of the Navigator, Star Wars, E.T.,

The Explorers. There were all those kind of movies that kind of traded on space I'll go so far as to say they probably were like made them

thought they probably had the price point first 10p was like what you stuck in in an arcade game yeah you know what I mean

so it's like a similar price to one go on Space Invaders yeah maybe so interesting still though so in terms of nostalgia they're strong they have to be strong on nostalgia yeah oh no without a doubt on Space Invaders. Yeah, maybe. So interesting still though. So in terms of nostalgia... They're strong.

They have to be strong on nostalgia. Yeah. Yeah, oh no. Without a doubt for me. 8.5. 8.5. 8.5 is a happy medium. I'll go with that.

Like a pissed up Derek Acora, it's a happy medium. Do you know who presents who wants to be a millionaire now? Who? Oh, I know.

Clarkson. Yeah. Is it A? Did you see the trailer for it? No. They made it look like Top Gear. He comes in in a car. What the fuck?

And then he gets out of the car. This is the best quiz show in the world. Clarkson. Yeah. All I know is I saw a picture of him on the beach recently, and it looked like the thinnest man in the world was pregnant. Yeah, he's got a real pot belly. Real big pot belly

all that swan he eats sitting in Bugatti Veyrons or whatever they're called it's gotta be hot Hot Swan I love that band have you heard their album

Hot Swan their latest album was called Automatic Sex Music Robots yeah Hot Swan I tried to do a bit where we made up band names

you weren't fucking having it were you because you would you would never... Strewn Onions. We should do it now. Go on then, come up with a band name. Strewn Onions. All right.

That's my favourite. What kind of music? They're acid folk. What's the name? Strewn. Strewn Onions. As in strewn. As in strewn around.

As in the maiden strewns the onions. When she comes back from... No, it's not fucking... I have to put a bit of drop some bass in it there's no bass it's all about that bass about that bass no treble

it's not about that bass it is no treble it's about nice lute about some some lute and

oh the strewn the maiden with the strewn onions she returns from the milking she strewns the onions That's quite good.

So is this prog folk? Yeah, they started off as folk moving in the mid-60s to acid folk and then ended up as prog. Right, of course. They were just called strunions. Strunions. They sound like a great snack.

Oh, I have a packet of strunions. Oh, they're lovely. Do you have a band name? What, off the top of my head? Yeah, why not? Everyone's doing it. I always, a jester's well. As in, a jester with a well.

Yeah. And it sounds like just as well. Oh. Much better than fucking... It's not better than strewn onions, mate. Nothing's better than strewn onions. I might have stolen that off someone. No, I'm having that.

I'm having this. What's your one? Jonathan's Regret. It's shit. It's shit. It's shit one Jonathan's Regret it's shit it's shit it's shit Jonathan's Regret it's

Jonathan's Bullshit is that what has a frog band no it's New Romantic Jonathan I'm feeling emotional I've got to feel it

in something like that I don't know I haven't worked up the lyrics yet why are we avoiding completing the score this is value for money well it has to be high

for value for money I'm saying 9 it has to be high for Value for Money. I'm saying 9. It must be 9. 9.5. 9. 9.5. You know what? I'm going to go with 9.5.

No, for Value for Money. Oh, yeah. Come on. They were 10p for like 15 years. Yeah. You just read it. For a quid, that's a big bag as well.

That's a whole dinner. You'll make that last a day. Yeah. That's a hiker's snack. If you bought some bread rolls, you could have several bread rolls filled with bread

right now you do math what does it all come up to oh is it an average yeah no he just adds it all up to get out of 40 so each one is rated out of 10

so therefore ultimately it comes down to you know all the.5s and the.75s which confuse me a bit do you not do maths I think I'm a bit

maths dyslexic I generally think that I think I look at numbers maths dyslexic. I generally think that. I think I look at numbers and it freaks me out and I can't work them in my head. It's really bad with dates as well.

Matching the dates and counting the steps on a mountain for the latest cheap show on Barshens which was an embarrassment. We did the Price of Shite

on Barshens with a mountain and it was meant to have 25 steps and I put 23 on because numbers who cares but what I will say

is for someone who's such a math idiot I fucking tranched your ass at countdown so it's such a great day for me that when I kicked his ass

at countdown I got points and you got no points how's your maths coming I'm trying to do the fucking last I've got to be quiet for him be quiet for me

I'll open the other pack I was going to have another one of these I told you they're my trigger food I'll tell you what that's your maths coming I'm trying to do the fucking last I've got to be quiet for him be quiet for me please I'll open the other pack up there I was going to have another one of these I told you they're my trigger food I'll tell you what that's your rider no you can't Paul do not give me those

that felt like being at a party with Robert Downey Jr and say go on just have a sniff of coke just a sniff of coke now this result is going to cause some upset

what did Monster Munch what does Monster Munch get 34 both got 34 both were okay maybe it's only.75 What did Monster Munch get? 34. Both got 34. Both were okay. Maybe. It's only 0.75 points off Monster Munch. Really?

What have we got? We have got 33.25. Wow. That's a good score because at the moment Monster Munch is the highest rated snack. It's a strong snack. What do you want? It's a strong snack. All right.

Well, then we should move on to Pickled Onion. Now I'll let you open that up because I think basically for texture and value for money, it's the same scoring. Yeah, I think. So it comes down. And nostalgia actually. So all we're really doing is flavour open that up because I think basically for texture and value for money, it's the same scoring. Yeah, I think. So it comes down. And nostalgia, actually. So all we're really doing is flavour on this one, I think.

Yes. So I'm going to copy those over while you taste. Oh, now that is bloody good. There's some strong whiffs there, aren't there? Oh, I love that. That almost, oh, God. You're all right, mate.

Fuck it up. Oh, that's so nice. Are you having a bit of a Paul Rose in a taxi moment? Christ, don't let the... Hello, yeah. Do a bit for me, Matt. That's a lovely, lovely smell. That's very tart.

Yes. Yeah. Lovely vinegary smell of the... Very, very vinegary. Interesting to know, have these still retained some of the bite of yesteryear that that

pickled onion monster munch seems to have lost somewhat alright here we go the kind of mouth ulcery causing

mmm it's funny how satisfying that taste is considering it's quite acerbic I really like that you know it's so good

I've always found that weird about pickled onion snacks it's like it shouldn't work it really shouldn't see that that's something that you've always found that weird about pickled onion snacks it's like it shouldn't work it really shouldn't see that's something that you don't we were talking about

things they don't get in America they do not have any kind of pickled onion flavoured crisps at all no I sent a box of British snacks to some friends in America

and that was their overriding thing in there there was a pickled onion monster with some twiglets it might have been some marmite crisps. Pot noodle.

And they described everything as vinegary. Really? Yeah. I can understand that. I can see that. There's just not a flavour there. Well, that was saying to Paul on a previous episode.

Are those bar snacks? Pickled eggs and stuff like that? They have pickled, yeah, those red pickled eggs. Remember those red hot pickled eggs? Pickled Keith. And the pickled sausage they have as well yeah

trucker food one of our listeners Alison got in touch with us about you know those sausages that you had in the tin last time basically she goes

that's a trucker's kind of snack you would make it into a paste and eat it with other things or a salad or a sandwich it wasn't something you would eat

out of a tin raw like you did you fucking animal you mash up the sausages it's a paste they're basically paste tubes yeah they're wieners a tin raw like you did you fucking animal you mash up the sausages you get a paste to do something with it they're basically paste tubes yeah

they're wieners they were chicken wieners the only sausage I've ever had that had a leathery bite to it and then it crumbled in the middle yeah it wasn't good

no you fucking I'm holding it it was alright this is when I come home from DJ and I can have a little sausage snack so yes

so flavour I was going to say to Paul before, salt and vinegar is starting to go in America. I've seen that. But it's got a cachet

that is much more sort of gourmet. Yeah, it's considered exotic. You only get it in your kettle chips at the upper ends. Exactly right.

We talk a good crisp. We snack this bitch up. Let's take this bitch up. Snack my bitch up. Why do you call the segment that? This is now called snack my bitch up snack my bitch up why do you call the segment that this is now called snack my bitch up

so alright we need a flavour score I'm going to go for a nine I just think it's a very strong flavour you're going to say nine as well aren't you no I'm not

because I'm telling you the beef one's better but my issue with all pickled onion flavour crisps I love them but I'm always self conscious

after eating them that I stink oh yeah there is the stink factor we used to call them bad breath specials when I was at school see I want to just say

8 for that because I don't rate pickled onion as a flavour overall that's a great example of the pickled onion flavour I love pickled onion as a flavour

so we can I'm compromised by half a point Paul that's how magnanimous I am bring it down so what eight

we'll do eight no bring it eight point five I said half a point so eight point five fuck with me I don't fuck with you this is serious shit

give you a fucking inch you need to take a big dildo up the arse I will Paul's mates mum's dildo that's my I probably shouldn't say his name

I'll edit that out it's fine he pissed in a coal scuttle as well he's very likely not listening but if you are any legal enquiries you may have can go to Eli J Silverman it all happened

at the house of pickles yeah it's all facts it's not like he killed a person 8.25, final offer. 8.25. 8.25 I'll take because I'm just that strong on it overall.

Give me the maths page. So it's going to be the same up until the flavour really. So that was 7.25. So you're adding a whole point onto it. He's scribbling out. Oh, hang on.

7.75. Was the original score. And what are we saying? 8.5 for this. I've written it down. 8.25. 8.25 then. Which is?

A whole point over. 0.5. What? 8. 7.75. Yeah. 8.25 minus 7.75 is 0.5. Okay.

Yeah. So what is it then? 33. It's half a point more. So 33.75 is 0.5 okay yeah so what is it then 33 it's half a point more so 33.75 wow okay so it hasn't usurped Monster Munch

but I thought for a minute it might have done very close it would have been an easier way to add it up though wouldn't it and that just see how much more

don't don't pull back the curtain on that don't make this easier for us I know I don't do maths but you could have just what's your method let's double check

because wow maybe I'm confused how would you do it well we know what the beef one's got yeah so all you've got to do is add

all the stuff's the same apart from that yeah so all you had to do was just take the difference and add it to the that's what I did okay I just wondered

why it took so long well you know Eli likes to be thorough and it's important that he is thorough because this is rigidly examined by our audience. This is science, people.

This is science. Sometimes it's boring. Sometimes it's cold. Sometimes it's dry. Sometimes... It's a lot of things. Yes, but at least it's serious. So what we're saying...

And I take my duties as the maths adder-upper of the scores in the League of Snacks and crisps very seriously. Thank you very much so the beef flavour got what 33.25 yes

and the pickled onion gets because of your weighting it to the flavour I think it's a great flavour Paul I'm not going to be ashamed yeah I'm not ashamed

of what I love for pickled onions so in that case beef 33.25 pickled onion 33.75 a very close fought race. They're good.

And I'd like to see, what I'd be personally interested to see how Transformer snack adds up. Because that's got play factor. What do you mean? You can transform the snack. You can be a robot, or you can stick wheels in it and make it a car.

You can't stick wheels. You fucking, I mean, it's limited. They are, you can. They are a toy food. What other snack can you play with I can play with anything you know when your parents used to say

don't play with your food yeah well I could take those wieners Paul make a paste of it and sort of go on

jam it go on where's this going jam it up my arse there you go and on that note we'll end that segment congratulations

and that unfortunately is where we must leave it for the time being uh it was a lot of fun recording with biffo and we uh decided to basically make it into a two-part and now i know what you're thinking oh give us it all in one go well i we're trying to make this weekly so mate let us stretch it out go on mate go on give us a break mate go on please give us a break so. Well, we're trying to make this weekly, so mate, let us stretch it out. Go on, mate. Go on. Give us a break, mate. Go on. Please give us a break. So that's what we're doing. So, what's to come in next week's episode? Oh, well,

maybe we'll find out what happens when video games and music collide. And what horrors await us in Paul's platter. It's not as catchy as Silverman's, I grant you. Also, Eli and Mr Biffo himself go head-to-head in a death game where there's only one loser,

and the outcome is not what you think. Dun, dun, dun! That's thrilling, right? Yeah? Anyway, thank you for listening to Cheap Show. This has been part one of our mr biffo special uh get in touch with us on twitter at the cheap show pod or at eli snoid or at paul gannon show we're quite chatty there's a reddit page as well reddit.com forward slash r forward slash cheap show get involved in the discussion there that people have after the episode goes out and you can have a nice old chinny-wag with them.

What else have we got? Patreon. Yes. Thank you. If you are a Patreon, you're saving our lives on a, now, weekly basis. See if we can make this weekly. God, what am I doing? What am I doing? But anyway, thank you so much. You can donate as little or as much as

you want, and if nothing else, you get an extra podcast a month. And if nothing else, you get an extra podcast a month and weekly. What am I doing? What am I doing? So yeah, go to patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. Instagram or on Facebook, just look for Cheap Show. You'll find it or Cheap Show podcast. Have a bit of fun. I'm not going to give you all the answers. Go for a little bit of adventure yourself. And that's it. Cheap Show is now over. You must now wait a week for part two. Unless this is the future.

And these two episodes have already been out for a while. And you can just listen to the next one right now, in fact. Or if you did something stupid and listened to the whole thing backwards, episode by episode. And you listened to part two first. Then you already know what that horrible thing that happens is. And this episode won't be as good, I don't think. I think the next one's going to be amazing. and you listen to part two first, then you already know what the horrible thing that happens is. And this episode won't be as good, I don't think. I think the next one's going to be amazing.

I think they're both great, but I think the next one, oh, oh baby. Again, unless you listen to this next one first. And anyway, thank you once again to Eli. Thanks again also to Paul Rose aka Mr Biffo aka Sexhammer and you can also catch me and Eli on Barshens every

Friday around 5pm on the YouTube I kind of feel weird without Eli being here and just doing the outro by myself so I need some help I kind of feel weird without Eli being here and just doing the outro by myself. So I need some help. Hello. How are you, Eli?

Hello. Oh, mate, it's a shame you couldn't be here, isn't it? Yes. So, um, what do people need to know about you? I'm a bit of a noodle nut. are you a bit of a noodle nut? wake up with a smile on your face you miserable cunt yeah you see it's just it's our

Eli Silverman soundboard that you can get on Google Play this Paul, just so you know is the very worst outro to a cheap show you've ever done part two next week fuck off