CheapShow - Ep 77: Hot Mess

Episode Date: May 23, 2018

Episode 77 is a literal "hot mess"! Not only in terms of what the CheapShow chaps get up to, but also what fair-weather co-host Ash Frith forces down their throats! Eli seems to think Paul's heart's not in it, whereas Paul feels Eli is being too critical. Ash just has to sit there and watch Mummy & Daddy fight.  It's a packed show, with a tonne of great cheapshow goodness. There is a rather revealing Tales from the Shop Floor, a fizzy and energetic Cheap Eats and we even get to hear about The King of Hay-On-Wye in another edition of CheapShow Storytime. Finally, Ash forces everyone into the Kitchen of Pickles to reveal his favourite "Vegan Meal" which everyone will regret eating in the morning! With thanks to walterjohnhunt on Reddit for "Eli & The Snoid Boys" and their hit song "Suck Mah Dick"! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow @elisnoid & @ashfrith If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

I can talk that was pleasant don't you fucking do it as well so I thought for a bit of a change because Ash is here why don't Ash do the intro instead of your shit that never fucking works

fine yeah Ash so you get to now do the intro ladies and gentlemen now what's your approach walk us through it no he was just about to do it so you get to now do the intro ladies and gentlemen now watch you approach walk us through it no he was just about to do it Paul

you've got two stones I've got a vest your eyes are drooping you look more like Paul McCartney by the second yeah ooh

Paul McCartney meet free Mondays every week have you ever seen that video of him saying meet free Mondays it's so good. I'm Paul McCartney.

I find it really weird that you can't do a Scouse accent and yet it is your accent. I'm close to Liverpool but it's a soft accent I tend to find. Although I can do it and go start. No, I can't. Are we going to start this episode?

It has not started. It has. I refuse. Press record. So we've got this recording started. It's recording now. It started. That's pink.

Do you want to do the intro then? I'd love to. Yes, please. I did start a moment ago. Go on. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way down... Too loud. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way down your internet tubes,

pumped directly into your ear canals, it's one man who is hard and ready, Paul Gannon. He's there. Say hello, Paul. Hello. And a man who is soft but also ready, but you need to work at him a little bit to stiffen him up It's Eli Silverman Oh, hello Oh, yeah

This, ladies and gentlemen If you will have us with your due consent Is Cheap Show I hate you and your fucking noodle posse People love noodles fucking noodle posse it's a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to fucking reset noodle time Tales from the Dark How's the big guy? A fight of shite

We're gonna take a look Eli Silver Welcome to Cheat Show I'm not going on a nuzzle He's very good Well get him to do the fucking intro then I fucking will You didn't interrupt him

Because you're fucking I was hanging on his every fucking word then You're having an affair Where you're like I'm Eli, I think I'm a cunt No you're a cunt Welcome to Cheat Show The comedy, comedy, comedy podcast an affair where you're like I'm Eli I think I'm a can no you're a can well it is a show

the comedy comedy comedy podcast and you can't get it right ever I forgot to say the comedy comedy podcast it's alright do you know where

we're shooting this this episode it's second time in the well as now coined judging by Twitter from our live lead in they want to call it

the house of fried eggs okay fine because of the fried eggs it's all in the picture so house of noodles but what Okay, fine. Because of the fried eggs that's on the picture. Okay, fine. So house of noodles. But what town are we in, Paul?

What town are we in? London. Lundro. What? I don't understand. I don't understand. No, because when we're in Canebro, we're in Canebro.

Oh, Lumbro. Lumbro. Lumbro. It's good to be in Lumbro. It's not at all. So, I took the Vicky line down to Lumbro. Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah? Go on then, Paul. You disappoint me. You just disappoint me. What's happening in this episode? I'll tell you what, it's not as funny as the one we just did. It's only just gotten started. You don't know how it's going to pan out. Where's your Moxie?

I'm full of Kutzpa and moxie. Yeah? Bloody hell, guys. Come on. Come on. Come on. I'm riddled. Are you?

Are you riddled with Kutzpa? With Arnwee? I'm riddled with Arnwee. Yeah. Is that the artist? No. Oh, no, that's Arnwee. Oh, before I forget.

Oh, here we go. I was at my day job the other day. Yeah. And you have to call people up to do research with them yeah there was a lady whose name was miss larbian cave wow labian cave that is amazing good night it's a mouthful oh dear me poor just the amount

just the right amount of mouth moisture wake up man wake up I heard it in my earphones like that it was gross it had a clatter

when I did it yeah so we have our it's back fair weather host Ash thanks for the intro very good

brilliant you could have said Lundro but should have said Lundro live in Lundro it's cheap show Lundro cheap show no Lundro, it's Cheap Show. Lundro Cheap Show. No, it's not brilliant.

It's not. It's live. It's recorded in front of a live audience of my flatmate's underwear. They're just really not enjoying themselves. They'll chip in with cheers and laughter if they enjoy any of the show. Well, we have a packed show today on the Cheap Show. We have... We're going to start with some tales from the shop floor. It's very exciting.

Will it involve shit? Yeah, probably. We'll find out. Listen, it will only be fitting seeing as you try to pollute my fucking health with your fake tie, shit tie. You're still touching it. Don't put it near my tea. Your poo tie.

Your poo tie. Fuck you. Isn's still touching it. Don't put it near my tea. Poo tie. Your poo tie. Fuck you. Isn't he in charge of Russia? Poo tie. Vladimir poo tie. They don't like the dad gags. So we're starting with that.

That's all I've got. And then we're going somewhere magical after that. We're going to Asher's Vegan Kitchen. Ooh. Mmm. Delicious. What's that going to be about? Well, I've been vegan now for some months,

depending on when this episode goes out. And I, well, I'm a father. Yeah. I'm a lover. And I'm a... Midnight smoker? Yeah, sometimes. You get... No, okay.

See, I make the implication, Paul. I do the implication, and then we'll leave it at that. And then one knows, yeah? And you don't have to sing it badly. It's very difficult. People often ask when you're vegan, they say, like, where do you get your vitamins? Where do you get your nutrients?

Where do you get all the stuff you want? I bet you find them tiresome when they say stuff like that. But I found a meal that gives you everything you need in one delicious meal. Oh, now that we're on the subject, sorry, I'm doing the pointy thing. Have you heard about the new diet as a sort of reaction to veganism,

where these people are claiming that they just eat meat? Only meat. Can't eat food. I read this article the other day, and they're like, yes, my libido's gone through the fucking roof, and I love it! They're like, I don't even have to think about food. I just sort of get steak, and eat steak, and that's it. They're like, I don't even have to think about food. I just sort of get steak

and eat steak and that's it. They're going to die horribly. They are. They must do shit that like cause environmental fucking disasters. Is this like the alt-right of food?

Yeah, basically. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the kickback. No, but they're serious. They're saying, look, I've got great alertness. I don't have any sort of... My bowel is compacted.

My arteries are literally closing up. Got worms. That's the good thing about it because when you get the alt-right, like nothing happens to them. They've just got very strong opinions and they're horrible people. Yeah.

But when you're alt-right against veganism, you die. It's much better. It is much better. Well, there we go. Yeah, it just amused me. Obviously, I wouldn't agree with that. I mean, the whole point is...

There's got to be somewhere in between, man. Yeah. There's got to be a place somewhere in between. It's got to be... It's veganism or nothing. No, there's something. I'm joking. Because veganism is nothing.

I'm a vegan, but I totally believe everyone should just make their own decision on whatever they want to do because it's none of my fucking business. It's not... Do what you want. Do what you want. As long as you're happy, what's it matter? Yeah. Well, unless you're murdering kids.

Don't murder animals or kids. The argument would be, Ash, don't do what you want because your addiction to flesh is sort of killing the world. My sexual addiction to flesh. And then we're going to end with a segment which we

it's our dollop-esque stuff where I have got a story from a book that I would like to read about a very unusual man. And, you know, you can listen and learn and chip in with some witty retort to it. So that's something. Okay. And that's the show today.

Paul, cheer up about the show. I'm happy about the show. You're not. You're not happy about the show. I walked in the door. Eli. You've lost it, Paul. Hug from Eli.

You have lost your professional demeanour. That's not true. It's like you've... It happens. I saw you writing out your resignation of the show. That's not true. It's like you've... It happens. I saw you writing out your resignation of the show. We don't want to accept it. I'm not writing it out. Come back.

Come back. Come back to the fold. That was a letter to Louise Wenner from Sleeper. I was writing her a love letter. I was writing, Dear Louise, I was a big fan of Sleeper in the 90s and I think you're nice.

I know you're reformed now and you're going on tour. Can I see your show? Are they? What was their big hit? What do I do now? Can I think? I can't remember the lyrics right now. Was it them that did the one about the boyfriend? Possibly. She was going out with

Blur's Damien Albon. No, wasn't that the girl from Republica? No, it was Elastica. Elastica. Is that not who you mean? No, it's not that. Who are you talking about? Louise Wenner. From?

Sleeper. Oh, they were called Sleeper, weren't they? Something-er. No, they're not. Blur. Sleeper. Yeah. Elastica.

Republica. Republica. I don't know if you've got that in flesh. Chop-chop. Crone and Prawn. King Prawn, King Prawn. You don't get that. Don't you, Josh? It's a joke Crone and prawn. King prawn, king prawn. You don't get that. It's a joke for me and Eli

and our Patreon followers as well. Good. How do you know I'm not one of your Patreon followers? You're not. I'm not. Nor do we accept your money. Oh, thank you. Paul, I can't even listen to the fucking Patreon parts.

You're not getting them. I'm going to have to start supporting my own podcast through supporting yourself first fucking time for something i need to listen to them you won't say to me stingy first thing with the show let's crack on with tales from the shop floor so yeah it is now time for in a professional manner Eli Silverman a great segment of the show on Cheap Show it is what we like to call Tales from the Shop Floor

and it goes a bit like this well people send in their stories about when they worked in shops do the theme tune I can't remember the theme tune

make one up now Tales Tales from the shop floor shop floor I got involved I wasn't asked Shop floor I got involved I wasn't asked if I got involved Compact some chives

And put the poultice in my crank Sorry I just keep getting these Callback These strewn onion lyrics Right We have had a fair few tales Paul has just clicked into it He's just literally woke up into the episode

There he is I have been awake for a while Get out Have you been Derek? while. Get out. Have you been Derek? Get out. Get out. Go to the naughty corner. Shall I do a fake walkout?

Yeah. Stomp your feet. He's not a tap dancer. I was a horse. I was a Spanish horse. Oh, that was a festive. Spanish horse. Are they the ones that prance around?

Yeah, that's what I was saying. That's what I was suggesting. We're doing a Tales from the Shop floor. A segment of the show where listeners and supporters of the show send me emails. They might not be supporters. They might hate the show. So that was the wrong word.

Shut up. Listeners. Listeners are fine. They might not even be listeners. They might just have heard about this section and just sent in and hate us just on principle. Would have taken a guess. They just anonymous-mously send in something.

Anonymous-nominously, yeah? Anonymous-mously. just on principle, and they send in one. They just anonosomously send in something. Anosmosnomously, yeah? Ross nonosomously. Who's Ross McNossally? He's a friend of Richard Brandoff. Oh, is he? Richard Brandoff. He's reporting.

Is he? Soon. He'll be back, yes. Is he? What's he sound like? I love this. I don't know. You don't remember, do you? Oh, wait.

Hello, I'm Richard Brandoff. I don't know. You don't remember, do you? Oh, wait. Hello, I'm Richard Brandoff. I don't know if that counts. Come on, Paul. It was a bit more, yes, I am Richard Brandoff. Right, I'm Richard Brandoff. That's it, we got him.

Hello, I'm Richard Brandoff. The audience loved this character. His range is huge. His range. Come in here, Miss Jenkins, come in here and smack my knob off I'm Richard Brando

the material range isn't huge the voice is he can do any but the content is very similar it is stop making those sounds

stop it right he's gone now Richard Brando's gone good because he is a very Richard Brandoff's gone good because he is a very unusual man let's just do the shop floor bloody read it we have had a few

letters in so we're going to get through maybe one or two of these so here's the first one it's from a guy called Walter Hunt he says I have an older tale

that sadly features no feet or matter Walter Hunt really really though I think well he didn't get really. He just did the noise.

I expect more from you. He said, hof, hof, hof. I expect more from you. Hof, hof, hof. You're right. Stop it. That's the noise of Richard Brando. Sadly, this story features no fecal matter.

Okay. But it still might be amusing to my fellow cheapskates. Being an American, my first legitimate job was at McDonald's. It was a small town in the state of Montana where I spent my summer holidays living with my mom. This sounds like the theme tune to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Now, this is the story. Oh, please. Please, Ash. Please.

I was a spotty 15-year-old lad, heavily into Nine Inch Nails and the goth culture. I wonder if he was a trainer goth. What does that mean? You goth, but you wonder if he was a trainer goth. What does that mean? You're goth, but you wear sort of white trainers. What an awful name for a pointless thing. Fuck's sake.

You know, you're goth, but you only wear white trainers and not the sort of DMs or the boots. You don't dive in. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. You've just got a sort of Fields of the Nephilim t-shirt and white trainers. Added nothing. So. Read the story then. I'm trying to.

It's the one thing you're meant to be able to fucking do. You're interrupting me. Right, here we go. Fuck's sake. Anyway, it was a popular choice of white boys in suburbia at the time, in the 90s. My mom was also supportive of me and my stupid lifestyle choices, but was also poor as fuck and living in a white trash trailer only slightly bigger than one of your British caravans. In order to have any money of any kind, I had to get a job. So he did. I got a job at McDonald's,

which was an hour's walk from where we lived. I hated it. The uniform was black khaki trousers and the roughest itchiest polo shirt in an ugly, plummy, maroonish colour. I can picture it. Yeah, we've all got a vivid, well-described image in our heads. Well done for the description. Excellent work. The only upside, apart from getting paid, was the copious amounts of food I would steal for the job.

Now, we can't defend this. Did he steal those frozen onions that you have to put in the water? You know, those little chips of onion that they put on the hamburger? Yeah. I love those. That's one of the only things I miss from being vegetarian or vegan. Really? Yeah, those onions and the burger sauce. I'll give you

a tenner to have a burger today. I'll buy you a burger. No. No? No. Buy you two burgers. No, it's not the number of burgers. No, is it not? Three burgers. Actually, yeah. Turkish around here, you could probably get some very nice

starters. So some hummus. Good hummus. You like a hummus? I love a hummus. Yeah, hummus. And you get a nice... I like a hummus. But, you know, the aubergine dip.

Baba Ghanoush you can do as well. Aubergine is the devil's anus. Anyway. I don't like aubergine. That's a problem as a vegetarian. It really is. It's one of the big fruits. Oh, you're vegan?

I'll just smother everything in aubergine. Yeah. It's one of the big flavours in the vegetable world. Or an smother everything in aubergine yeah it's one of the big flavours in the vegetable world or an avocado and squash it's a hard hitter but avocado isn't as

versatile I'm just saying squash I like squash yeah I like squash name one thing I don't like to eat cum I mean

no one does are we going to do this story you keep interrupting alright here we go so he's stealing food something better happen and we know it doesn't involve shit I mean, no one does. Are we going to do this story? You keep interrupting. All right, here we go. So he's stealing food. Something better happen, and we know it doesn't involve shit.

So what else? Well, let's find out, if you fucking let me. So he steals food for the job. He steals food, yeah. After a couple of weeks, while bending down to pick up a box of frozen burger patties, I tore the crotch out of my trousers. Of course, I had also chosen to go commando that day. Uh-oh. And so I was free-balling, as he quite nicely

puts it. He's free, free-balling. Yes. Don't get them near the deep fat fryer. No. Luckily, none of my co-workers had noticed, but I was standing there with my cock and balls out in the kitchen, full of waist-high grills and deep fat fryers.

Yeah. Those aren't nuggets! Oh dear. Panic stricken, I rushed... A two nugget combo. Panic stricken, I rushed to the break room where I had a cunning plan. I concocted a diaper

from some extra aprons and covered my genitals. And the black aprons wouldn't be all that noticeable against the black trousers. And it had worked. Oh, very clever. He made a secret diaper. I would just say, look, look, boss. Deal with it.

This is it. This is what's happened. I'm going home. This is what's happening now. I'm going to be ball free. I can't add my cock out in a restaurant. Just hygiene issues. Yeah.

What have you got, a smegma fleck Well we always have that concern Right so It worked Either management didn't notice or didn't care As no one mentioned to me about it at all That's because everyone's dead inside They work in McDonald's But I still had one problem

The long walk home After loading up on stolen burgers Pies and McNuggets But I still had one problem. The long walk home. Oh, dear. After loading up on stolen burgers, pies and McNuggets. You see, it's just... Are they cooked or is he buying... I think they've got to be cold. No. Warm.

No, cooked. You'd have to cook. Why would you take them home to cook? But imagine trying to steal pre-made burgers. Yeah, they're too bulky once they're in the barn and everything. He had a system. He must have taken actual patty packs. He had a system. You know what I mean? Right. Patty packs.

I prepared for the long trek. I ensured my improvised shame diaper was tied up tight and headed off. It mostly went off without a hitch. However, after crossing the busiest intersection on town, I unknowingly stepped on the apron string. Landmine. A huge dog's herd. No, the apron string that

had come loose and the whole affair and the whole affair unravelled and fell to the ground. He should have nicked someone's flag. Why didn't he just wear the apron? As an apron. And there I was, standing in a crosswalk in front of tons of people with my knob flapping in the breeze.

People pointed and laughed, honked their horns, hooted and hollered. Let your dicks out. An apron famously covers that area. But it fell off. He tied it on like a diaper. Put it on like an apron.

I'm trying to picture what happened to the crotch of his trousers. It must have just exploded. When I thought he was free-balling when I thought he was free balling I thought it was just the balls no but no it's the whole

the whole packet it's the whole Christmas dinner it's the meat and two veg have I ever told you about when I was at school and I went up we had a French oral exam

and I went up to the well done for not doing anything we nearly did though I went up to the teacher's desk and it was she would say something

in French oh she would say something in English and you would repeat it in French we savour bonjour and she as I went up to the teacher's desk and it was, she would say something in French. Oh, she would say something in English and you would repeat it in French. We survive, bonjour. And she, as I walked up, stood in front of her. She went, Ash, I can see your bits and pieces. And I looked down and my school trousers and boxer shorts were wide open. And I could just see my penis. Wow.

Wow. That's like a dream nightmare. It was fully exposed to mrs may the french teacher did you have a thing for her was she no no she was not she looked like probably helped that she was look because if she's in when i tell the story normally i would say that she said ash i can see your penis yeah and i respond yeah that didn't really happen it was uh but i saw my cock i looked down and it was just there just like that's bad that's never happened to me no okay we all know why why because it's so minute yeah that old chestnut so what even if it was

exposed no one would see it because it would be too small, like a maggot on a fucking bowling ball. It's time for Eli's description of his penis on a big thing on a small thing. So, yeah, so we finish this story then. People laughed, honked their horns, and he ran home with tears in his eyes, my balls slapping my thighs. I went home and got very stoned and very drunk and drowned my sorrows in chicken McNuggets. The next day, my boss called and said I was fired. Not only had they heard about the incident, it's a small town and McDonald's frowns on decent exposure

whilst wearing the company uniform. They also were very aware of my brazen theft of food. That's more like it. That's probably more like it. We're thinking you married the lead there, mate. But it all worked out in the end. I got a job on a ranch bailing hay where I got some decent muscles. Lost my virginity, but that's a story for another time.

It's all about his cock and balls coming out, isn't it? Well, that sounds like a nice little ending. Sounds like a real sort of American story. Making hay. Lost my virginity. With my cock and balls out. Very rural. Very rural story.

Now, in terms of that story, Paul, it would be better if he'd shat himself at some point. I guess. Yeah. What I'd like to see is a fucking turd in a deep fat fryer. It was sorely lacking shit. If his balls had got dunked in the Chicken McNugget fryer as well and gone a bit crisp.

Oh, God. What the fuck? I just let that go. I just thought I'd let that roll to a stop. Let's have another Tales from the Shop floor. Yeah, you sure? Yeah. I would like someone to find some shit in a bag.

Those are the days I live for. When someone's like, I found some shit in a bag. I had to take some urine to the doctors. Right. In a container. A urine container. Yeah.

And I took it to the dentist. That's true. That actually happened. You just walked to the wrong place. I went to the wrong place. And did you dunk it on the counter? I went up to the counter. It's a sort of NHS centre.

Right. So in the same building are the doctors, the dentists. They're all there. They're all in the same building. So I just went in. I was kind of on autopilot and just said, I've got a urine sample. And they just were like, this is a dentist. It's probably going to be upstairs.

Right. Great story. Okay, Paul. So here's the next part of the show. This one comes from story. Okay, Paul. So here's the next part of the show. This one comes from Louise. Okay. Louise sends this. Hello, Louise.

Thank you for sending your tales from the shop floor. Was she saying hello, Louise, to herself? No, I'm saying that to her. I'm saying that to her. Wow, your pace is slack. What the fuck are you talking about? You're just lame. I'm trying to read and be slow and not be hyperactive.

Just whip it up. I've never slapped you in front of Ash before. No, just step it up a gear, Paul. That's all I'm saying. In a nice way. I want to hear about Louise. Come on. Yeah.

Read the story. I have a tale from the dance floor to share with you that happened. Dance floor? Oh, I didn't realise we were doing that. Shot floor or dance floor? Shot floor. Okay. I'm just so wired to say dance floor. You know what I mean I didn't realise we were doing that. Shot floor or dance floor? Shot floor. Okay. I'm just so wired

to say dance floor. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're wired for sound. A-M-F-M-I-N-O-T-O-M-A-R-I-C-T-O-M Cause I'm wired for sound. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Stereo. Completely innocent of all charges. And that's the latest news on Cheap Show at 6 o'clock.

Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. Fuck's sake, man. I have a tale from the shop floor to share with you, says Louise. Yes. That happened during the 13 years I worked for a well-known high street news agent. Think pushing chocolate sales at the till and overpriced stationery. I think we all know.

WH Smith. Yes. So, potentially, it might not. Potentially WH Smith. Yeah, it is though. I worked in the book department and we had many

regular customers who my colleagues and I got to know quite well. This is the voice I've chosen to read this letter. To these regulars, we'll call them Barry and Amanda. Before that was their names.

That's a very good way of hiding the fact by kind of making it an open secret. So these two regulars used to come in, Barry and Amanda, and probably once a week, more to chat with the staff and then purchase anything. But we didn't mind it. They were both pleasant enough.

On this particular afternoon, Barry and Amanda came in and had their usual chat with me and my colleague, and then they had a stroll around the store while we got on with work. After about 10 minutes or so, we saw Barry and Amanda were about to leave the store, and we bid them a cheerful goodbye. Bye, Barry and Amanda. Barry was walking slightly in front of Amanda. Bye, Barry and Amanda. Barry was walking slightly in front of Amanda. Bye, Amanda.

Hope you haven't shit yourself. And he reached the exit. He stopped dead in his tracks, stirred into space for a few seconds, and then ran out the store. Amanda, who, as I said, had been a few steps behind, stopped at the point where Barry had been stood,

looked down at the carpet, ran over to the till where me and my colleagues were stood pointed over on the spot on the carpet and said the words, he's done that she also then ran from the shop with the words, he's done that he's done that

she also ran from the shop before we had the chance to ask any questions. We couldn't see that particular part of the carpet for where we stood. Didn't need to. I don't need to. What's going on? So the till blocked our view. So we gingerly made our way over to see what Barry had done.

To our utter amazement, stroke disgust, Barry had somehow managed to shit down his trouser leg. That's what people do. Like serial, in public shitters, they've got this technique. They can get it down their leg without it breaking up too badly

on the way. Sounds like old Walter Hunt. He could have done that. Could he have just opened the trap door or the bomb bay on his trousers and just plopped it down? No, it is quite a skill.

It's like, you've got to have some firmness. I remember shitting myself as a four-year-old and feeling it sort of do the slide down. No, it is quite a skill. You've got to have some firmness. I remember fitting myself as a four-year-old and feeling it sort of do the slide down. Yeah, that's not good. You don't want to feel it trickle its way down. No, you want it to sort of dryly just drop. Well, those people who only eat meat,

they'll just be dropping out like a goat. Is there any information about the texture and consistency? There's a little bit more to give. We couldn't believe it because he'd managed to shit down his trouser leg and leave three little nuggets of poo on a lovely blue carpet. They're nuggets.

They roll about. You mean he bit them off. Yeah. He bit them off. It's true though. He bit them off. Oh, Barry sounds like a fucking rotter. We stood there laughing.

No, sorry. We stood there staring at it in disbelief. We didn't know whether to laugh or retch. We quickly decided that neither of us were prepared to clean it up and so called our supervisor down to assess the situation. She came down from the upstairs staff area

with a bucket of hot water, a bin bag and some bleach and proceeded to pick up this shit with the bin bag and scrub the floor to the hinge of its life. People pick up dog shit with their hands.

Me and my colleague watched. And then turn it inside, turn the bag inside out. I couldn't do that. And I definitely couldn't do it with a human shit. You couldn't do it. You're too squeamish.

I wouldn't be able to feel the warmth of the shit on your hand in the squelch. No, not interested. So, surprisingly enough, Barry and Amanda continue to come into the store

on a weekly basis and act as if nothing had happened. Barry, you can't come in. You mustn't come in. Barry would come up to the... This is what I'd do if I was the reed to start off. Barry comes up.

I'll be Barry. Yeah, all right. I'll be Barry. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. It's like small talk. Just kind of... Oh, so, Eli, it's nice to see you on set. You shat in this store and you're not welcome.

I don't want to talk to you. What about the free nuggets? Oh, Barry, we don't have to take this. Three nuggets of shit that you did in our store and we had to clean up. How dare you talk to my husband like that? I'm going to talk to you about the fucking weather now. Look what you've done to him.

I know you're a fucking... He didn't mean to. You're a trouser shitter. He can't help himself. He's got a gaping anus. Is that the end of the story? Pretty much. They kept coming back in.

I can't believe that. Amanda, Amanda, you're all that. They would come in. Amanda, Amanda, you're all right. You're all right. She's complicit. She's complicit. She didn't do the do. Oh, so that's fine, is it?

Well, as long as she doesn't prove herself to be a fortune teller. Oh, I think you have opened yourself up to all sorts of troubles. He's just done that with immortal words. Anyway, so we definitely... Yeah, they do seem like they're in it together. Come on. I want to get to the end of this. So they continued to come in

and we'd happily chat with them, knowing all the time that Barry would forever be known as him who shit on the carpet. And next time, Louise writes, Old lady projectile vomit, here half-digested breakfast, onto the lottery counter.

I think, to be honest, he's spoiled it. It's a rollover. That was much more in the spirit. I mean, I enjoyed the spirit of Tales from the Shop floor. Yeah. That was a good one, wasn't it? Yeah, we all good. Well, thank you, Louise, for that.

I thought that was a good one. Better than, like, his balls. I just don't believe it. It's better than just shit, though. We get a shit a lot. Basically, his dick maybe, maybe poked out. He had a whole rucksack full of fucking burgers. That was the story underneath the story, wasn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. He's a thief. He's a burger thief. Well, there you go, Walter. A hamburger. You've been judged. Hopefully he grew out of that when he was, like, rolling around in the hay, quite literally.

Yeah. You grow up, you make mistakes. I don't think you ever grow out of nicking. No. Now, the theme that links two stories from Tales from the Shop Floor today, nuggets. One word, nuggets. You're right, there was a theme, nuggets.

And if you wrote the word nuggets down, then you've won a prize. And that prize is, Eli? Me saying nuggets. Yeah? Yeah, that's right. Tales from the Shop Floor. That's Tales from the Shop Floor. And a rosy selection it was too

well it's a bit of a foodie episode on cheap show today we're going to be a bit of a foodie food when we go to ash's vegan kitchen slaughterhouse um but before that we're going to do a quick cheap eats eli let's do the cheap eats jingle do you want to do the beginning or the end the end all, here we go. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. That might be the best we've ever done. I like that. That got very emotional.

Okay, what have we got on Cheap Eats today? Well, I thought we'd do something a bit fizzy. Something a bit, not frothy, a little bit fizzy. Fizzy. So we haven't done a thing like this in a while. We just taste three different types of cheap food. And I thought it's about time we did energy drinks because everyone knows the market leader is the Red Bull. The Red Bull.

There's been big changes in this market though, hasn't there? There has been. Because of the sugar tax that has come in. Oh. And you have to be, now in the UK, it's not the law, but it is a general agreement. You're over 16 to drink energy drinks. That's it.

I was going to mention that as well. Really? So they will do age checks in Tesco now, I saw. Wow. You can't buy Red Bull if you're age checks in Tesco now, I saw. Wow. You can't buy Red Bull if you're under 16. Which is a really good thing. Yeah.

It's ridiculous. Fair enough. So there's that. And also the sugar law must be affecting because one of the things about energy drinks is they're massively

full of sugar as well, aren't they? Yeah, a lot of sugar and caffeine. But it's really affected stuff, these sugar tags. Like, you know, because sometimes when I DJ,

I like to start the evening with a Coke. Yeah. Okay? Lovely Coca-Cola. And I bought one the other day, and a Coke. What the fuck is that? It's like Pepsi Zero or something.

We will not do that. They haven't got the money to get it, so all of the bars and everyone is changing to the sugar-free or cheap brands. Oh, I went to the Odeon Cinema in Southend. What a fucking crime. It's nasty. In Southend Cinema

they're not doing any of the sugar drinks anymore. They basically said if you want you can buy bottles of coke but the tap dispensed drinks are all sugar free. And they're like £1.90

or something for a bottle of coke. The Cheap Show Report. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. It's a national scandal the sugar tax is... It's good thing, but I don't... Is it, though? Isn't it forced?

It's fascism. How can it be that you can't... Personally, I don't drink a lot of soft drinks. I do. But when I drink a soft drink, I would like to have the taste of... Ash Frith, Essex, what do you think about this situation? It really annoys me that they can take the sugar out of Fizzy Pop, but you can still buy Fax.

It doesn't make any sense. Eli, what do you of Fizzy Pop, but you can still buy Fax. It doesn't make any sense. Eli, what do you say to that? Well, you can still buy the sugar. This is great fun. But you're being taxed on it. You're being taxed more. It's like a minimum price unit for booze, which is now coming in Scotland. There's so many other issues.

Let's go to a question from the audience. You, sir, over there with the red glasses. Hello, Richard Brando. I'm going to do a voice. No, I get to do a voice now. Row, row, row, row, row. You there with the red glasses. Lester Richard.

Yes, here he is. He's my little bitch. It's my little bitch. You completely blocked me. That's a bad improvisational move. You're unprofessional. I'm sick and tired of this. This behaviour.

And you. For the listener listener Paul's finger is four inches from Eli's nose. You are going to get a proper spanking. Alright. Because then there's a bit back and forth. Alright, so let's go out to the

studio audience now and see if they've got any questions. Yes, man with the glasses. Hello, yes. Is it true that making everyone drink sugar-free is actually good for the country, even if it is imposed? It's a drop in the ocean. Stop the kids eating all the chocolates. I just don't like the way it's impacted the drinks that are available to me.

Well, I don't think it's good. And what, have Coke got a bunch of new ones now that they're trying to sort of relaunch their zero by having a peach flavour and a cherry. It's horrible. If you have the peach one, it tastes like arseholes. Yeah, is it like sugar-free artificial peach flavour? It's horrible. Well, on that note, we're going to try a range of budget energy drinks.

Okay? These were bought at B&M. They were about 39p each. Maybe one of them was 38. Oh, really? They were all that cheap? Yeah. And so, obviously, Red Bull's the market leader.

Monster maybe comes next, would you say? Yeah. Yeah, and I don't understand Monster. Relentless? I think you need a pint. Yeah, a pint. Do they even sell Relentless anymore? I think so.

I don't know. I thought they did. The problem with Relentless was that it looked like a can of lager. Lager. I always get stopped on the bus. Yeah. No booze on the bus. did. The problem with Relentless was that it looked like a can of lager. Lager. I always get stopped on the bus. Yeah. No booze on the bus. Yeah, but you have Relentless.

I was walking in Camden one day and my dad... I was drinking a can of Relentless and my dad happened to be walking the other way and I bumped into my dad and he was like, why are you drinking booze on the street? Like, you know, it's really like...

What's happened to you, son? Do you remember Hobo? They used to make Coke in big cans like that. Did they? Instead of bottles, you know, it's really like... What's happened to you, son? But do you remember Hobo? They used to make Coke in big cans like that. Did they? Instead of bottles, you'd buy a big can. I know Iron Brew,

you can like that. Yeah, they used to... That's how you bought Coke. And then I remember bottles sort of phasing those out. I like it. But Coke always tastes nice right out of a bottle.

It does. Yeah, it's just nice. Something about it. I like it with a slice of lemon. Oh, nice. Right, here's the first one. I have chosen. Top tip.

All right. It's called... Looking forward to this. How are we going to share this? Are all our lips all going to be in the same place? But we'll rank it in dirtiness. So me, then Ash, then you. That's how the drinking session is going to go.

I'm a very clean drinker. Yeah. All right, fine. Fair enough. Right, so this is a drink called Emerge. Energy drink. Dual. I don't know what the dual...

What's it emerging from? No, it's a word, isn't it? It's an action word. Emerge. Growth. Spurt. Zam. Spurt would be a good one. Spurt would be a good one. I drank some spurt the other night. What about coxplosion? That's good. There's a beef on the back. Let's have a read of it.

Energy Dual is a great tasting energy drink specifically developed to energise your body when you need it most. Niacin, panthrothenic acid, vitamin B6, vitamin B12, contributes to the reduction of tiredness

and fatigue. Consume in moderation as part of a varied and balanced diet. What is the difference between like a bottom end one and a top end one in terms of

it? I mean, they all taste similar. I don't think there's any Taurine in them. There's no difference. There mustn't be. No. they all... I don't think there's any Taurine. There's no difference. There mustn't be. No.

It's all just... It's brand priority. Oh, there is Taurine in this. Taurine. That's what makes it. Taurine. Taurine. I'm begging, please,

don't make me hallucinate. Yeah, there you go. Taurine, famously, derived from a bollock of a cow. Originally, but not anymore. So you can't drink this then, can you? No, it's not that anymore. It's all synthetic. It's synthetic. Oh. Well, there we go. Let's give of a cow. Originally, but not anymore. So you can't drink this then, can you? No, it's not that anymore. It's all synthetic.

It's synthetic. Oh, well, there we go. Let's give it a go. What flavour is this? Well, it's energy drink flavour. So this is their standard one? Yeah. It's not like

they haven't added a flavour to it. You'll smell this and go, oh yeah, it smells like an energy drink. So I'm going to have a supsy right now. Okay. It's not awful.

It's sweet. It's got a little bit of that sweetener flavour to it. It smells like awful. It's sweet. It's got a little bit of that sweet and a flavour too. It smells like, do you remember when you were a kid and you had medicine? It was just glucose.

Yeah. Like good old original recipe, Lucozade. Like a Lucozade-y. It's much, it's more sour and sweet.

No, I knew this would be like this. This is the kind of generic smell of knock-off Red Bull. It's very bubbly. This is the kind of stuff, of knockoff Red Bull. It's very bubbly. This is the kind of stuff... I was at a wedding in America once,

and they had this stuff actually on tap, like on the mixer taps, that actually had this stuff on it. Wow. And you could get... I have a SodaStream machine, and the energy drink... It's very similar to the energy drink you can make with that.

Yeah. It's just total generic energy drink taste. If you think of generic energy drink, that's what you buy. Give it a second though, because it fades off. It leaves a bit of an aftertaste. It leaves that bitter sweetener taste.

Is it saccharine-y taste? Yeah. Whereas I think that is the difference because Red Bull, I sometimes have Red Bull if I'm gigging. Has a proper sort of sugar finish. Yeah, and this doesn't. This is kind of a...

It's still chemically, but it's a more kind of colourful, fruity chemical taste. Yeah. It's not tooically, but it's a more kind of colourful, fruity chemical taste. It's not too bad, is it? Yeah, you'd have it, but I think you'd know that you're drinking a cheaper drink. See, with the cheap ones,

I tend to prefer, I don't do it so much these days, but I prefer to go for like a tropical or a cherry flavour. Yeah, you might as well. Or an apple sour. Yeah, I like an apple sour. That's one of my favourite

soft drinks this has got something going on that's why when Red Bull a few years back brought out their flavour range

I kind of liked it I like the blueberry one I just did a burp out of my nose and it sort of burnt on the across the filth

it's a nose burner should we do our second can do you want to rate them out of five what would you rate the emerged jewel are we saying that Red Bull is a five for flavour alone let's say if you burner. Should we do our second can? Do you want to rate them out of five? What would you rate the Emerge Jewel? Are we saying that

Red Bull is a five? For flavour alone? Let's say if you had to class it as that, yeah. Obviously, some of you might hate the taste of Red Bull,

so it's subjective. That's a two, personally. That's a two. If you use Red Bull as the narrative, then... Yeah, it's still a two.

It's not very nice. I would have said three. I'm going to say three because it's exactly middle of the road. I think it just fades too quickly. Yeah, but it's all bubble and sweetener. It's an emerged jewel.

What's it duelling? It doesn't really say, really. Best served chilled. High caffeine. It's the same as everything else. High caffeine. High caffeine. The next one is called Carabao.

Now this... Carabao. Carabao. They sponsored the Carabao Cup in football. I think this is quite a big brand. And it's been on the... They've been pushing in adverts for it. Seen the adverts recently?

Yeah, the weird surreal. Bonkers World. It's a bonkers drink for a bonkers world. I can honestly say, right, they sponsor the big... One of the big... The's a bonkers drink for a bonkers world. I can honestly say, right, they sponsor the big, one of the big, the main cups in football, right? The League Cup.

Oh, really? So this is a... They're a big brand. They are a big brand, yeah. My team got to the Carabao Cup final and I didn't know what Carabao was until the day of the final when eventually my friend told me.

I was like, oh, I've not been, I've been like, I wasn't like going out of my way not to find it, but I just thought it'd be really interesting if you could get a big, huge, they must have paid tens or hundreds of millions to sponsor it.

And I thought it's really good that I don't know what it actually is. Yeah, but imagine they were a far right group. Well, yeah, and it wouldn't matter because it's an awful competition and we lost the finals. Well, you knock everyone up thing

like a medal I don't think you know in football I couldn't give a shit there's no prizes for second place Paul

unless you get a second place prize yeah a silver medal silver medal yeah yeah but no

you wouldn't I eat only meat and must win whilst fucking don't they say like in terms of actual worth the silver and the bronze worth more than the silver and the bronze

are worth more than the gold because the gold's just plated and it's just I don't know something on it. That is such a boring thing. I like that. Fucking hell.

I'm very interested. When you said that comment I was transported to some kind of fucking old man's pub in like 83. I'm really really excited to try this drink. You're beijing out, Paul.

After finding out about it just very, very recently, I've never ever seen a can of it in the shops. I have. And have you seen the ads though? No, never. So the ads recently, they've got rock and roll. There's some kind of rock star who's a Carabao or something.

Oh, be more like this guy. Anyway, we're not here to review the advertisements we're here to review the brand itself so it's apparently reasonably well known it's an up and comer slightly bigger can is that a little bit that isn't a standard 300 this is 250 mil and this is 330 mil and i think almost the size of a proper but i think this was still about 39p. I don't think it was much more than 60.

to be a marked improvement because this is a big brand. Is this just their standard flavour as well because I think they've got different ones. Okay. Is there any blurb that comes out? The branding does use a bull.

Not really. It does use a bull branding. Now, it's got an interesting aroma. It's still recognisable energy drink, but something grassy. Has it got a grassy... Well, I'm going to find

out. Okay, go in. Huh. What does it taste of, Paul? Ash, have a go. I want to say flowery, but it's not. It's a bit more aromatic. You know you said grassy? Yeah, you know what I mean? I genuinely did. It's like meadows.

It's a bit like food and drink, isn't it? It's like meadows. It's a bit like food and drink, this, isn't it? It's like meadows. Hay barns and fruit fields. Oh. It's energy drink, but it's got a little, that's not bad. I'm glad you went last. It's very fresh. That's really fresh.

Yeah, different. Different. They haven't gone for a different, it's tartar. It's fizzy, but not aggressive. It's like bubbly. Yeah, the other one, that's the thing with the other one. It was like double the fizz of what I'd normally expect. It's kind of got more of a lemony tartness than a standard Red Bull.

Don't you think? I like that. I like that, actually. If you took the energy drink out of that, I think that'd be just a pleasant drink. If you took that sort of glucosey taste. It's still very sweet. It's not as sweet as the other one, though. I'll have another sip.

Yeah, it's nice. It's, as sweet as the other one, though. I'm going to have another sip. Yeah, it's nice. It's, again, like grassy or fruit. They've definitely done their work in sort of differentiating it from Red Bull. Yeah, I think in a good way. You have to do that because otherwise you're just going to buy the, oh, I could buy a Red Bull or the thing that tastes just like it. But if you actually like that flavour more, you'd go for that. Yeah.

Okay, points for that. I'd go for that. Yeah. Okay, points for that. I'd go for three. I didn't like it very much. I would say four. I would have to get that because it's a refreshing difference. I think, I do. I think that.

I think the, if it didn't taste a bit like Red Bull, it tastes like Red Bull's been put into something. Yeah. It's a bit like distilled, but with still in its own flavour of whatever that is it does. I'd say it's like a Red Bull

with a bit more of a citrus tang. It's lighter. Yeah, lighter. Rich. It's not so syrupy, the finish. It sort of cuts off. And it lasts. It doesn't go bland after a few seconds. Well, four, four and three from Eli. On to our third and

final drink. I've been looking forward to this because I've seen it in the shops. Oh, did you? I love the packaging of this one. This is MTV Up. Okay. Because, you know, MTV... Is MTV still a thing?

Yeah, but they don't play fucking music on it these days, apparently. Yeah, it's an energy drink and it's got this nice kind of 80s clash of colours

and sharp angles. Why is now the time for MTV to be branching out into products? Because some company went up to MTV, went up to Vicon, whoever owns it, and went we make this energy drink, do you want to slap your logo on it? And they'll go, oh, alright then.

I didn't even know MTV was still a thing. Am I so out of touch? They do like the Kardashians and things. It's because YouTube destroyed the point of MTV so MTV became a reality TV channel with stupid sitcoms and shit. Okay. I'm expecting this to be fruity.

So now, it's like when you see Atari on something, you go, oh, Atari's nothing, but you wear the T-shirt, you have it on your hat. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like the Playboy bunny as well, I guess. MTV's logo is a bit like that, I think. Yeah, I think you're probably right. You know? It's just a sort of an entity that some company owns that they just put on things.

I bet that is true. Yeah, so there you go. So it's now a brand. I'm expecting that to be fruity. Well, there's nothing... I'd say almost a Vimto-y vibe I'm getting from just looking at it. £250, so a little bit more than the cheapest one we have here. Again, I think this is no more than 39, 40p, something like that.

There's nothing particularly... It's the smallest can. It's the same size as the Emerge. £250. Oh, yeah, they're both the same size. Does this one have taurine in it, Paul? Let's have smallest can. It's the same size as the Emerge. 250. Oh, yeah, they're both the same size. Does this one have taurine in it, Paul? Let's have a look. I'm pretty sure they all do.

The second one definitely. Yeah, taurine. Yeah. Taurine. And high caffeine. Made in Potter's Bar. Oh, not far from here. Distributor, Hong Kong.

That is the opposite of here. So here we go no more talk let's walk the walk I wish you'd done that noise in the mic that was a good can opener I can barely smell anything no

no smell there's a definite energy drink smell to this book okay Paul's not looking impressed from his first sip it's a bit tastes a bit like

lollipop like a kind of it doesn't taste like lollipop, like a kind of. It doesn't taste like Red Bull. No, but it's definitely Red Bull-esque. Yeah, it's got the weakest smell. That's so weak.

Yeah. Which might not be a negative. There's nothing to that. It's not awful. It's not like we've gone to that disgusting. It's just kind of like. It's very,

very nothing. No, but again, that has got, there's a place for that. Because if you go, oh, I can't bear the taste of Red Bull. Red Bull's too strong. Yeah. It's got no taste. place for that. Because if you go, I can't bear

the taste of Red Bull. Red Bull's too strong. It's got no taste. It's kind of neutralised that

kind of medicine-y taste. It's gone, isn't it? So it's just fizz. Yeah. That's quite

pleasant. I don't know. I don't like the aftertaste. There's a little kind of middle of the road tang off.

There's no mention of anything to do. Oh, it is Viacom. There it is. 2018 Viacom. do Oh it is Viacom There it is 2018 Viacom It's owned by Viacom

Yeah So it's just a logo They've just used And I bet you The fucking Consu is still on MTV Like holding tins of it While they talk to

Fucking Moss Death I don't know I know it's a rapper right I actually prefer that To the Emerge Yeah I do I would Probably agree with you

On that though I prefer it No I would think I would Because that's still a bit... Sickly. Chemically. It's very nothing, but it's kind of... I think that's a bit dangerous, because I could probably drink more of that.

It's got more... I think that of the three, that is the sort of most thirst-quenching. Yeah. No, I quite like the second one for thirst-quenching. Sometimes, you know, what I get with energy drinks is, oh, I'm tired, I need an energy drink. Yeah. And I'm kind of thirsty. But then you take that gold and it doesn't really quench your thirst. Do you know what I mean?

It's so sugary and sort of syrupy. But that would. That would quench your thirst more. All right. Well, points. What do you want to give it? I'm going to go for a three. I'll be three.

What did I give the Carabao? I think you gave that two. I gave it three. So two for that now instead. And then three. I'm going to have four. I gave it three. So two for that now instead. This is going to have four. MTV is my favourite. Really? Yeah.

Oh, I think MTV might be my favourite. Interesting. Can I have the Carabao again, please? Can I just do a quick... Can I pass the Carabao? Yeah. I just want to do it properly. No, that's fair enough.

I just find that more refreshing. And it's different. And it's exciting. Whereas that is just like... There's a lot more to the Carabao. Yeah, it's just too... It's too sweet for me, the Carabao. I'm going with MTV.

Yeah. I'm going to go for an MTV, which is the same as I go with Carabao. I don't know. This is a really weird drink and I like that. Yeah. All right, well... I think I'm going to put them level,

but I think I slightly prefer the MTV. Saying that though, for let's just say most of them, one of them might have been 69p, but they were no cheaper than 39. So let's say 39p to 69. That's quite good value

for money. Yeah, very much so. Well, that's the problem. People get addicted to that stuff. Yeah. And it's cheap. And we are circled

back to the beginning of the discussion in terms of age. Caffeine is one of the most addictive things there is, isn't it? Yes, but caffeine by itself has not been

proven to be harmful conclusively. No. no in fact they seem to find that it's good for you it's very good for migraines coffee seems to um help to ward off dementia people who drink coffee um you know uh if you have a migraine having an energy drink can open up blood vessels and actually help with migraines for some people. Do you have a migraine? My girlfriend suffers very badly.

Does energy drink help? Pro Plus does. Well stay with us because after the break we're talking to Dr. Steve Jackson about the validity of

those claims and Ash will be talking to him. If you suffer from migraines have a couple of Pro Plus. Stevie Jackson. Like the guy who

did the fighting fantasy. I don't know it's just that Peter pro-plas. Stevie Jackson. Like the guy who did the Fighting Fantasy. I don't know. It's just that's Peter Jackson. That's not Peter Jackson. Peter Jackson did the fantasy films. What about the guy who did the Moonwalk?

The guy who did Fighting Fantasy. Nothing for that. Citadel of Terror. You know. I don't know. Death Trap Dungeon. Choose Your Own Adventure books.

Steve Jackson he was called. Yeah, but you know that. I don't. Well, don't make up a name which is someone I fucking know. The whole bit was lame. Okay, but you know that. I don't. Well, don't make up a name, which is someone I fucking know. The whole bit was lame. Okay, so in that case, his name was

The Bloody and Farquhark. I think we had such a lovely section. Do you know someone called that? Do you know that? Someone called The Kloogie and Farquhark? No. Do you know someone called Labian Cave? Yes, because you mention her.

So now I know. Labian Cave and The Loogie and Farquhark. I also had to phone someone up called Kim Cherie. Kim Cherie was my name. That's a good one. We haven't done this in a while. I'm going to read a book that has an interesting story in it. Shall I snuggle down and close my eyes?

Yeah. Don't do the sound though. We'll talk about it like we did the Collier's Mansion and like we did John Meggett. This is one of those

dollop-esque romps through history. Ah. Oh, that was lovely. I thought you were going to give me

grief and call me a geography teacher looking pedo. Or, you know, Giacomo Soldier. A sack-faced c or you know Giacomo Soldier a sack faced cunt waffle Giacomo Soldier is good so today's story is taken

from a book called The World's Greatest Cranks and Crackpots all credit should go to Margaret Nichols who wrote this book and all I can do is read from it but I want people to know that Margaret Nichols is a book writer who wrote this book called

The World's Greatest Cranks and Crack Pops. I'm a book writer. Made by Octopus Books. I'm a painter-plyer to canvasser. The author wishes to thank her husband Dan for his patience and encouragement and Vic Mayhew for his enthusiasm for the original

idea. First printed in 1982. And it's a book. So there you go. So the story I've chosen, because it's a bunch of loads of small stories.

For instance, a chapter called Barmy Builders and talks about the up and down of Beckford Towers. That's actually an interesting one.

There's a great story in here somewhere about a guy who built massive tunnels underneath his mansion. Like whole chambers and rooms.

Oh, I remember that. Yeah, so, you know, that's a good one too. Didn't that only resolve itself quite recently? I don't really know. He was actually

causing subsidence on the street. No, this was like years ago. This was like the 1800s when this was. There was one more recently.

Some guy who was digging so much. Yes, people said like people's gardens started caving in and stuff. Well, one more recently. Some guy who was digging so much. Yes. People said, like people's gardens started caving in and stuff. Well, blow me tight. Today's story, boys and girls, is called The Bookseller Royal.

The Self-Crowned King of Hay-on-Way. Doesn't that sound delightful? Hay-on-why? Hay-on-why. Thank you. Thanks. Six words in. Yeah. I can't even fucking do it. We believe Thank you. Thanks. I've got six words in. Yeah. And I can't even fucking do it. Right.

We believe in you. Right. The story begins thusly. April 1st, 1977 is when this first happens. Sounds like a fishy story to me. I know. Whoa, that's why. 77?

Yeah. 19? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why I laughed. It was perfectly valid. This is a fact. A single shot fired out from a rickety boat on the River Wye.

What a provocative first image. You don't look impressed. No, this is not going well. It signalled the start of a new era for the residents of the small Welsh border town of Hay. Through... Hay? Why? Where?

That's enough, that's it. You did nothing for ages. Welsh border town of Hay. Through... Hay? Why? Where? It's in half-edge. You did nothing for ages and when you do offer it it's piss-poor like that. Be a grower. Cock-a-mouth. Really? Cock-a-mouth?

Yeah. It's a place. It's a place. Pratt. There's a place called Pratt. Cunt. There's not... Well, there might be.

Though the salvo did little more than startle the ducks, it meant the beginning of the home rule and independence from Great Britain. That is, if you happen to be a supporter of the bookseller extraordinaire Richard Booth, in future to be known as King Richard I of Hay-on-Wye. It's his story. It sounds very much like Danny Wallace when he decided to make his own country. Yeah? Oh, did he? Yeah. Danny Wallace, Danny Wallace like Danny Wallace when he decided to make his own country. Yeah? Oh, did he?

Yeah. Danny Wallace, Danny Wallace, Danny Wallace. So good they named him Thrice. Is that because he was racist or something? Yeah, Danny Wallace was a racist and he wanted to keep them out, so he built a little town. That isn't true. It is true. I have authority.

Well, it does seem to come from a kind of racist impulse, mate. Yeah, it does. To want your own country. I think we can confirm Danny Wallace is a racist on the basis of this. A what? A what-cist? A racist. Oh, there was definitely a P in there. Rapist. I didn't mean to say that. One allegation at a time. You've coined a good phrase there. Someone who's a

racist and a rapist. Yeah, I hope that catches on, Eli. Oh, God, no. The mayor and town council had pinned up a notice saying that they completely disowned him. Several elderly local residents had threatened him with umbrellas. What? They shook their umbrellas and went,

no, Richard Booth, you can't be king. Why would you threaten someone with an umbrella? Because maybe that's all they had on them. Didn't they have, like, a stick? Even that would be better. Why do they use their umbrellas? Does it rain a lot there? Maybe.

It's in a Welsh town, border town. His name is 1877. His name is Dick Booth. 1977. 1977. Richard Booth. No, Richard Booth, thank you very much. Why have they got umbrellas?

Because they live in a rainy town. It's April, April showers. Yeah. Trip, drop,'s April. April showers. Yeah. Trip, drop, trip, little April shower. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, it's lovely. What's that from? What Disney film is that from?

It's not from... Trip, drop, trip, little April shower. Snow White. Is it? Yeah. Where are we? They had umbrellas. Right.

They're waving umbrellas like absolute nutsers. And stating publicly that he was off his head. Why are they bothering? Because they've upset... It's just a twat on a boat firing a gun. Yeah, but that he's got it. Bang. I'm the king of hay.

And that is law in this country. If you can find a boat, fire a gun into the sky and declare yourself king of wherever that lake is or river, then you now are king of it. Fair play. Yeah. You could be King Ash of Benfleet. Landra. Oh, that sounds now are king of it. Fair play. You could be King Ash

of Benfleet. Landra. Oh, that sounds great. King of Benfleet. King Ash of Benfleet. I did used to live in Benfleet. Yeah, I know. So you could do it. Claim it. Richard Sandlin could be my bodyguard. Ward. Ward. Yeah. Or queen. King needs a queen. He'd be warm. He'd be cuddly

in the night. I think I've probably cuddled Richard in the night before I bet you have yeah we used to share beds all the time where are you going where are you going I'm fucking hoping

this improves fucking hell I keep forgetting how much Eli brings to his show you know in terms of planning and plotting give me something

essentially Eli this story sucks we're only just getting started right no one wanted to pick me up on the umbrella thing, which is the most interesting thing so far.

But no, Paul's like, oh, dismissive. I'm trying to fucking work here, and you're being shit, as usual. Anyway, Richard had plenty of support from others who, like he, were sick of bureaucratic rule from outside that seemed to be making the ancient town poorer and poorer

and in danger of sinking into obscurity. It's Brexit, isn't it? All over again. Mini Brexit. In Hay-on-Wye. Yeah, micro Brexit in Hay-on-Wye. That's a title. That's the title of an independent British film, isn't it? Could be. It could be. Let's find out. Let's make

a film called... Brexit Holiday on Hay-on-Wye. Little micro Brexit on Hay-on-Wye. Get Cliff Richard to do the theme tune. We're all going on a Brexit holiday. No more blacks or Asians in. Dear God, I don't think we can vouch that Richard agrees with that. Isn't that what Mike Reed did?

What? Isn't that what Mike Reed did? No, Mike Reed did a You Kip Calypso song. And then interviewed Chevy Chase and got heckled. Oh, that was disastrous it was incredible to watch yeah

Anthea went to that oh really yeah she said you just couldn't fathom how surreal it was to be in that situation and watch it all unfold if you want to know

what happened just look up on the internet Mike Reed and Chevy Chase and you'll hear the horrible story in all its glory why would they have chosen him

to interview Chevy Chase who fucking knows apparently Chevy Chase is Who fucking knows? Apparently Chevy Chase is difficult at best of times. Yeah. But apparently he came off looking good, which no one expected. No. Because, you know, famously, bit of a cunt. So, there you go. You having a smoke now, are you?

Carry on. Don't thank you! So fucking rude. On Independence Day they sang hey on why hey on hi nice nice

they've got songs yeah as their national theme someone is someone in there in with him to the tune of Colonel Bogey it's just him

what's Colonel Bogey go like hey on why hey on hi hey on why is that Colonel Bogey it's exactly is it

what it is? No, we need to... It's like... Okay, Google. Is it that? Okay, Google. Sergeant Bogey. General Bogey, dick.

General Bogey's dick. You can search the web for that. Thank you. Search? That doesn't help me at all. No, I don't want... Say song. Say General Bogey Song. Alright, I'm doing it. General Bogey Song. Okay, Google. Colonel Bogey

Song. Here is a matching video. Right, we'll find out now. Here we go. Hey on why why hey on why hey on why hey on oh hey on hey on why

hey on hey on hey ho hey on why why why yeah let's give it a go

hey on hey on why hey on why Yeah. Let's give it a go. Hey-on. Hey-on-what? Hey-on-what? Hey-on. Hey-on. Hey-on-what? Hey-on-what?

Oh-ha-hi. Hi-hi. Hey-on. Hey-on-what? Hey-on-what? Go on. I don't think it quite scans, but you know. It's that very famous piece of music. That piece of music.

Right, where's the story going? Let's find out. They flew the new state flag over the ramparts of King Richard's bookshop, half-roasted an ox. Half-roasted? Yeah. Come on, you want to finish off roasting that ox, man. Yeah, otherwise you're going to get dicky tum tums. It's because apparently someone got cooking time wrong.

I thought it just says here. It was very rare. Yeah, so. And they cheered as a single engineered plane hired from the local flying club came into sight, dipping its wing over the hedges in salute. That's good. Who was in the plane?

They've got an air force as well. A pilot, I'd imagine. No, just someone had a plane when I was flying. And he went, yeah, and dipped his wing. Yeah, but he must be on board. He must be part of the regime.

Yeah, he's got supporters. He didn't shoot as the plane went over. No, he's got supporters, hasn't he? Well, it was all very moving, but people... It doesn't sound like he has supporters from the first part of the story. No.

Well, listen. He's obviously got a whole bunch. They're all singing. Listen. They're flying. Yeah, he's got a gang. Anyway, it was all very moving, but

people kept asking Richard Booth, why are you king? This is a good question. Because I fucking said so. A rumpled, comfortable-looking man of 38 with dishevelled hair and owlish spectacles. He is 38. He's our age. That's the picture of him there. You can see him there. If you told me he was

56, I'd have believed you. Yeah. This guy is on acid. I mean, come on. It's the 70s. You know what I mean? Maybe he's just a bit kooky. This is a picture. Don't touch me book! Let me see the book! I wouldn't fucking do that either. Why is he displaying his crotch?

What was his name? Dick Cupboard. Richard Booth. For fuck's sake. Look at him. He's got the whole deal. He's got a crown. He's got a scepter. Is that what the bulls are? Scepter. S's sake. Look at him. He's got the whole deal. He's got a crown. He's got a scepter. Is that what the balls are? Scepter. Scepter.

Yeah. The stick. The stick is the scepter. But what's that ball? The grenade thing. The jeweled grenade thing. The ponty pith. Mate.

Do not make shit up. Richard Booth. He's a man who insists. Give me the book, you fucking twat. I'm going to need to read the fucking story. So, a comfortable-looking man of 38 with dishevelled hair and owlish spectacles didn't look particularly regal. For one thing,

his trousers were held up with a safety pin and his socks were odd. He's a character. He sounds like a bit of a skinflint as well. Well, he says, I'm the biggest property owner in town for a start, he would explain, and it was my idea. It came to me all of a sudden in a pub.

Some bright spark said, if we were going to be independent, we would need to have a king. And who better but me? Ballsy. That is dictator levels, isn't it? Yeah. King Richard owns Hay Castle, a stately pile started in the 11th century, burned down in 1978 but now being lovingly restored. But more important, he also owned a chain of shops in Hay which

comprised the biggest second-hand books business in the world. In the world? That's what it says here. Oh yes, because they've got their literary festival. Yeah, they do. This is the guy who started all that. Yeah, he put his name to it, the Hay Literary Festival. There you go. That was the twist

that I'd hoped to save for the end. You see, it doesn't help if Ash is actually researching the story. I know. I just got some knowledge

on the subject. You're cheating. Cheating for no reason. I don't want... I'm not cheating about it. You've ruined this for everyone. What about his queen?

Was he married? Well, let's find out. I don't know about that. He has drenched hay in literature and attracted buyers and sellers to the town from all around the world. At one point, he had an estimated, and again, this is

1977, he had an estimated one and a quarter million books resting on miles of shelves. Wow. Yeah, yeah. That's a lot of books. That's a lot of books. A lot of fire. King Richard's ancestors in the town reached back. I think he's foreshadowed something. No, I'm not actually. I've decided not to. That was just me being aloof. Stop researching foreshadowed something no I'm not actually I've decided not to

that was just me being aloof stop researching put your phone down I'm not researching anything about Ash if you want to research something

can you find out what the dual hand grenade thing is called he's meant to be listening to the fucking story not doing research for you

he can do more than one thing at once he apparently can't he's added nothing in the past 10 minutes to this show Richard Booth MBE is high on my list

and I just know things about him. You don't. You're a liar and a con man. Wow. And I won't have him again. King Richard's ancestors in the town went back generations. He had a typical upper-crust start to life, first going to rugby, which he loathed,

and then to Oxford, which he found boring. He was always in trouble because he wouldn't conform. I'm going to wear my braces one on, one off. That's how I'm going to go. That's how he didn't conform. My cravat will be in a jersey knot, not a royal sailor. Royal sailor. I don't know, I made that up.

To please his father, he wanted to go into the city and restore the family fortune. He joined the firm of accountants for three weeks. Imagine trying to restore the family fortune. Yeah, it's a horrible quiz show. Yeah, it is. He left like a shot when his great uncle died, leaving the family mansion. Brinmalin, a few miles from the centre of Hay, to his relieved father. Richard now felt free to do what he wanted more than anything.

He liked books, so he promptly opened the first shop in Hay. So, look, you like books. And it flourished. You like books. Why would you then say, I also want to be king of an independent fiefdom? Sounds a bit like a publicity stunt. He could see how many small traders and craftsmen in the little town were being driven out of business by big multiple concerns. He declared war on them. With independence, he said, they would have the Hay National Loaf baked by local bakers.

They would have the Hay National Ice Cream. He even concocted a plan to get rid of the Central Electricity Generating Board and instead have dozens of people building wind and water power generators to supply Hay's electricity. It's well ahead of its time. But don't you think this is interesting? He's building a little North Korea though right

the same thing that they were concerned about in 1974 they're concerned about now you know big business taking over little shops so does that mean it isn't a problem

no it is but it's death by a thousand cuts because you look at like in America businesses are seen as people or can be represented like they're an entity a corporation

yeah and it's like that's scary and obviously the whole Cambridge Illitica thing was just like, here's a bunch of fake information on your timeline, but you'll buy it because look at what else is going on. But I'm just saying that they're talking about things there

that we're still talking about 30 years down the line. Oh yeah, the song... The ecological movement started back then, but that's when they needed to stop polluting and stop burning fossil fuels. Too late now. Way too late. Let's just double it up now.

Well, King Richard felt just as strongly about... Could be earthen twice in a short time, yeah? Yeah. He felt strongly about all forms of bureaucracy. A tiny place like Hay

is swamped with dozens of government departments at work choking all the life out of it. And even tried to abolish the Welsh tourist board. Nowadays, on bonfire night in Hay,

instead of burning Guy Fawkes, they set fire to a wooden figure with a bundle of forms in one hand and a cup of tea in the Welsh tourist board. Nowadays, on bonfire night in Haynes, instead of burning Guy Fawkes, they set fire to a wooden figure with a bundle of forms in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. Oh. So, the man. The burning the man. The bureaucrat.

Yeah. Those little men in their matching ties. Remember that Richard Herring's thing? No. That's why he won't have me back on his podcast. Have you been on Richard Herring's podcast? Yeah. I was on his Edinburgh show you been on Richard Herring's podcast? yeah I was on his Edinburgh it was all fated originally wasn't it

but then they had sound issues and then they redid it that one? I don't know I don't remember there being a fuss on that all I remember is I was very very nervous and I didn't say much to anyone in that room because I was too nervous it was alright it comes out alright doesn't it

so I do a little bit of my set on it and you can hear it. Oh, fuck it. Bo Burnham was also on the episode. Yeah. So I was on Richard Towing's

podcast, but again. What's Bo Burnham up to these days? He's being Bo Burnham. This is Big Bo taking over the show. Mr. Burnham. He likes to earn

them with the fish, flash, gash. Fish, flash, gash. No. Don't be rude. Gash the fish flesh gash Fish flesh gash No, don't be rude Gash is flash of gash A fish flesh gash Is disgusting You wait and see

He promised the sceptics There are loads of things we can do to make our life better for people in Hay For one thing, there are too many outsiders fishing in the Wye Paying fees to wealthy landowners. Not to the town. We will cut their lines. Wow. He threatened with a huge grin. Cut their lines

with a huge grin? No, he just... He threatened with a huge grin? Apart from the fine speeches... That's a sharp smile. It's not nice. It's quite... I'm trying to bring this to life, Paul, but you are fucking boring. The way you're reading it is boring. You were fascinated a minute ago. How dare you?

We go, ah, so, I'm a best buddy. Well, it's a fucking issue. It's my internal monologue, but I'm going to do bits of it out loud. Are you all confused? Cunt. You're in my bad books now.

You're in the naughty step. I'll tell you what is a bad book. Sit up. Yeah. Sit up. Speak into the microphone. Right. Naughty biscuits.

So, King Richard had some very practical ideas for raising money for the exchequer. He had passports printed and planned to sell them at 25p to anyone crossing the Y. From his bookshop. Yeah. Who made them? The French? He Y. From his bookshop. Yeah. Who made them? The French? He even printed some currency.

Topical. Yeah. Nice that. Yeah, okay. Blue passports. Blue passports. Good. All worth it.

The crippling depression and misery that we're going to suffer is all worth it. Bit of politics. He even printed some currency on edible rice paper

but didn't get any further than 50p notes. Well, there's a problem from the beginning. Yeah, edible money. Why not do it on paper paper? What is money though

than an agreement and an understanding? Yes, but... What's love got to do with it? Why on rice paper? I think it's because it's a second-hand emotion. Yeah, you're right.

Right. It's not a second-hand emotion. That's what Tina Turner says. What does that mean? What's love got to do? What's love got to do Got to do with it Who needs a heart When a heart can be broken

Who's got to do with it Party for home Right so Do you remember that advert That used to go It's a hot black coffee The hot black coffee boy. I'm apologising listeners for that performance.

I remember the cultural appropriation. No, it was like the hot black coffee. Shut up. Don't you remember that? The best money spinner. It was like a coffee brand. Listeners, please, if you remember the hot black coffee one, please just let us know because I'm not going mad here i think you

might be the best money spinner would is his unique method for creating an instant aristocracy for his kingdom by selling dukedoms for 25 quid earldoms for 15 quid and knighthoods for a mere one pound 50 he found american tourists especially couldn't resist the temptation to be and paid up merrily for the privilege of going home with a title. He's a shyster, isn't he? Hey, buddy, I came back from the United States of Great Britain and I became a duke. Yeah, this guy, yeah. I'm Duke Chad Kaplisky.

The first. Chad Kaplisky. Yeah, I am Duke Chad Kaplisky and I own this street. Oh, buddy, and my wife, she didn't pay. She's just a lady. I've got to treat her. She's not a a lady i gotta treat her i gotta talk to her she won't be a baroness i'm mad about it i don't know i'm zook i'm zook so zook tell me what's your business what do you do you know i know you're a juke now but and you will this

change what you do no i do you mean a juke is that this change what you do? No, I don't. You're a duke. Is that going to change what you do? Tell me, Zook. I work in the movies. I do. I work in the movies. I make zims happen and zams happen and I make the zoops and the zips happen. And, oh, boy, I make the movies. You're beginning to sound a bit like a bad impression of Bill Cosby.

Yeah, I might stop. No. No. No. No No White guys should not do this That wasn't Was it? No Moving on

Running in Kingdom of Course could not be done single handedly He made his gardener Charlie Minister of Agriculture Makes sense If you're going to give anyone that role Give it a gardener.

A neighbour who travelled to Hereford every day became Minister of Foreign Affairs. Fair enough. Fair play. He's been out of town. He knows how the world works. His horse, Waterton, was named... His horse was called Waterton?

Yeah. His horse, Waterton, named after the great eccentric traveller and zoologist, became Prime Minister. Do you think though right so this all happened yeah and we all know about it it's in a book if you did it now no one would give a fuck how is this in a book nothing happened it's not there was mean in it it was a newish idea at the time yeah it was crazy on board no one thought it would happen no one thought it was real it's just a loon it was he became the horse was prime minister yeah you can complain

about that no i'm all for that but it was the appointment better than the one we've got now right guys yeah right yeah she looks like

Keith's bum end should be prime minister vote Keith's bum end the evil bum end of Keith that would do better than this fucking lot wouldn't it oh politics

a dedicated here we go mole's arse. But it was the appointment of glamorous April Ashley, who lived in the flat above his shops, who became film censor and caused consternation offering among the teacups. Furthermore, what? Wait, wait.

Who lived in the flat above his shop as film censor and caused consternation among the teacups. I don't know what that gets at. No, that's an expression that's passed into... Furthermore, he proceeded to create a Duchess of Offers Dyke. I think that's a really rude thing to be given. Yeah. Excuse me, love.

You're now Duchess of Offers Dyke. Why is he Northern now? I can't... I don't like Zoot Kaprinsky. I wish he'd come back. Zoot Kaprinsky is back in'd come back Zoot Kaprinsky is back in the room and I walk in the movies

and I got the zippin the zappin and the zippin the zuppin and I can get Kevin Spacey here and I can get don't get him there

no Cosby neither of those two people are welcome I can get them all I know all the stars I know both of them I got Weinstein on board

I got Cosby the star oh I got all the stars I got Spacey. Oh, I got... Roman Polanski's going to shoot this baby. It'd be late because he's got

some other business to take care of. Oh, you know it's not going to work. And John Landis is in charge of stunts. Right, moving on swiftly. We're getting to the end.

Almost got to Edmonton there. Yeah. Since UDI, I guess that means independence or something or other, Heian Wai has thrived with more and more people flocking there to buy and sell books and develop a whiff of freedom. And since the Great Day in 1977, the anniversary had been celebrated. Wait, this was a day? No, this was...

The day that he announced independence. How long did it last? Well, no, it's still going on, apparently. In 1977, the anniversary had been celebrated with considerable panache. In 1978, King Richard declared a national holiday, Hay Day, and invited 200 Gujarati Indians from Leicester,

declaring that from then on, Gujarati was the second official language. Oh, nice. That's all right. Another year, April Ashley gave a kimono party and His Majesty, charmed by the grace of all of those geishas, considered turning hay into two Japanese towns.

He's a dick. He's a moron. Finally, the mayor and corporation never stopped protesting. He's made this town a laughing stock. He's upset a lot of elderly people. He's a crank. But King Richard just laughed. He doesn't affect any part of your life.

He's a lunatic. Leave him alone. He just is a guy with a lot of books. His reign was established. He now had a royal regalia, an orb made from a ball cock, and a scepter from a piece of copper wire. I don't know if that's still a thing. I presume it's not an ongoing concern.

But as of 1981, it was. Now, I think that it's part of a tradition of people who declare independence. Wasn't there some guy on an island like in the Thames who did it as well, I think? Maybe. And there's famously that Japanese soldier who lived on that island, and no one told him that the Second World War had ended, and he was there for another 40

years defending it from the Americans. Well, that was my story today. The King of Hay-on-Wye. Didn't have much incident, Paul, did it? It was more of a list of sort of... What? Don't attack me! Stop! Look the other way, Ash. I really enjoyed it. Look the other way, Ash. I really enjoyed it. Look the other way, Ash.

Paul is approaching Eli at groin height. Don't stop. Don't attack me. He's pointing... Got something to say? Eli looks shocked. The story didn't have

a lot of incident. That's what I was saying. Ow! Oh, it's actually hit him. Listener. There's been an actual thump. Don't be the shit. The poo tie.

The poo tie is involved Vladimir poo tie is on Eli's shoulder and oh no oh goodness me ugly scene that's the that's the end

of that segment maybe for good I hope so fuck off oh what you doing ladies and gentlemen it's now time for a new exciting segment of the show Oh, what are you doing? Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for a new exciting segment of the show.

In this, we wander into the kitchen at the House of Pickles, the kitchen of pickles, and we cook up a little something. Now, in the past, we've had Eli's country noodle kitchen, but now we're doing something a little bit different. We are doing... Really? Really with the beep beeps? Right at the climax. Oh f**k. Mate. Why won't it stop? Because you're a f**king idiot. Jab at things like a monkey with no skills does. Oh f**k. Oh, God.

See? Ash, once again, saves the day. Right. We are now at Ash's Vegan Kitchen. Hello. Welcome to the kitchen, guys. I'm new to veganism, but I have discovered one of the finest vegan meals you could possibly ask for. Now, is this a creation that you've come up with, or

is it something that you were handed down by a weak-looking human? This has been passed down through generations and generations through my family. I think you're going to absolutely love it. I don't think I invented it. I think this is too good for me to have invented it. It feels like it's probably been in the public

psyche for decades. Okay. Does it have a name, this recipe? No. Let's come on on now. Let's come on on now. The grill is on, just to let you know, Paul.

Thank you. So the grill is on. So the grill is on. No. It's on. So look, I've noticed there's some bread there. Yeah.

It is cheap show, so do you want me to go through the ingredients? Yes. All right. Yes. So this is the new Tesco value bread. It's called HW

Neville's. Classy. They just made that up as the name of some ye olde baker. Yes. Well there might

be a Neville's. There's no Neville's. You don't know that. Can I have a plate please? Plate. I need a plate,

a spoon and a knife. A plate, a spoon and a knife. Is his knife? No, no, no, I don't trust myself with that. Right. The implements have been handed over by Silver.

Are we each having a full section of one of this? We don't know what this is though. Do you want a slice each? Yeah, I want to have a slice. Yeah. I'll have a slice. Sir? We will have a slice. That's a check. So at this point, are you likely to have any questions for Ash? Ash, I can see that bread is involved with this. Yeah. So would you like me to toast it?

Pre-toast it? Oh, yeah, let's do that. That'd be much quicker. We'll definitely pre-toast. Does anyone particularly want the heel? I like the heel. Okay, you can have the heel. Weirdo.

Where's the toaster? Just there. It's there. So how does the toaster work? I'll sit the heel in Okay, you can have the heel. Weirdo. Where's the toaster? Just there. It's there. So how does the toaster work? I'll sit the heel in. Shall I? Yeah. You depress this lever and then it toasts.

Great. How long does it take? It depends on your setting. What is your setting? I'm not doing this bit, Paul. This is not my fucking vegan kitchen. I'm trying to bring you into it while Ash prepares. Yeah, you're sous chef.

Yes, chef. Yes, chef. All right, this is good. This is like MasterChef. Yes, chef. What would you like me to do? Prep some onions? There are no onions involved in this.

There are just... There is three or four key ingredients. All right, I'm intrigued. We've seen the bread. We've seen bread. Yeah. Well, the bread is key. The other ingredients will be going on top of the bread. We've seen bread. Yeah. Well, the bread is key. The other ingredients will be going on top of the bread.

It's nut cheese, isn't it? Crunchy peanut butter by Tesco. Everyday value. It's valued peanut butter. Do you both... A, are you not gluten intolerant? And B, are you not peanut intolerant? Do you know what?

We're about to find out. Yeah. I think I'm all right for nuts. I'm fine for everything. I've heard that rumour. That's really, really unamusing. I don't know what sort of 18 pence peanut butter

is going to taste like. It'll be very sugary and smooth. It smells like... Like peanut butter. Like peanut like... Like peanut butter. Like peanut butter. Like peanut butter. So that's one of the key flavour ingredients in this.

How's the... So far it's feeling quite a dry recipe. Toast, peanut butter. It's got a very cloying thick. It could be quite cloyy. Have you ever eaten peanut butter too fast and then thought you were going to choke as it slowly oozed down the back of your throat?

No. Like that. No, never done that, because I'm not a fucking animal. And you spoon it onto the bread. Okay, so he's spooning... Oh, it's crunchy. It is crunchy.

Is that okay? It's fine. Sometimes I like it smooth. Sometimes I like it with some grit. Never a true word, Ben says. This is Cisco Valley peanut butter, so maybe some grit in it. It will have palm oil. That's the only...

This is perfectly... Palm free. It's not palm free, but it's from a reliable... It's not from an aerated tank. A reliable source. Okay. So he's spread the peanut butter onto the toast now. I need the other toast,

because I want us all to enjoy it together. You can make this on a date, for a family member. Someone you hate. That's perfect. Look at that. You can make this in a hospital or a hospice for the people in there.

Could you make it for someone who's allergic to peanuts? Yes. Excellent. What would you replace the peanut butter with? Chickpeas. Marmite. Chickpeas. Have you heard of this chocolate hummus?

No. That's a thing, apparently. The next ingredient is coming on now. Right, the next one's coming. Interesting. I'm liking this so much already man and it is these are

Tesco bacon rashers bacon flavour maize rice and soya snacks they're essentially a what are they called a frazzle a fucking frazzle

yeah are we all okay with that can you take a picture of this my stomach can I just have a report for my stomach yeah a grumbo we need to get a picture taken of this can you grab my phone from the room next door it's probably near the where we're sitting this is very thrilling stuff you are layering the uh bacon rasher crisp snack, May's snack, upon the toast with the peanut butter. Yeah. And it's looking beautiful.

Did you notice the thickness of the peanut butter? I think that is essential, that there is a good, solid covering of peanut butter. Thank you, Eli, for bringing me my phone. And so far, you're fine with all of the ingredients here yeah i'm i'm actually salivating you are if you um i think this is also great food for if you have maybe run a marathon if you are you know you've had a busy work week and you're low on certain nutrients vitamins this gives you everything you could need um this is like maybe four or five of your five a day.

I don't know. I'd say it's about one of your one. Would you like a crisp? Yeah. Get out. Mother. You can eat the crisp. You can go and eat a bit.

Tesco version of frazzles, not too bad. Now we move on to this. This is Violife cheese style slices now i understand this is cheap show yeah this is quite expensive this was uh for this pack was uh how many did you get uh you get so one two three four ten slices yeah um this would be maybe two pound fifty right but vegan cheese i understand that's not cheap so I just nicked it well you're a vegan so you're over a barrel

just nicked it I just took it and put it in my pocket I thought they were really honest did your balls fall out of your trousers whilst you were

doing it no I just now it does look very much like cheese it looks very cheesy it looks very much like American style cheese

may we sample one without I'd like just to try the cheese. What is this cheese made out of? This is made out of... Just tear it off, I'll have some. Excuse

fingers. I did wash my hands after going for a tittle. Yeah, but not after you had that wank. I did a tiddled, washed, wanked. That's indistinguishable from American cheese. Oh yeah, it does taste like... Cheese. Cheap cheese.

Cheap cheese. Like a kind of very weak dairy. Very, very weak. That's not too bad, actually, for vegan muck. Like I say, that's... Oh. Yeah. Excellent.

So he's put the cheese upon the bacon rashes, which is upon the peanut butter, which is upon the toasted bread. And it's now going in the grill. I'm liking this. Yeah? Yeah. I thought there'd be some awful stuff, but... Shall I prepare dessert?

Oh, it's like fucking MasterChef. Go on. I'll prepare dessert now. Okay. This is very exciting. Golden Oreos. Well, that's a very exciting development. I'm already so poor because he gets very defensive about Golden Oreos. You should see how firm I am.

You should touch it. I don't want to touch it. Touch my excitement. Touch my excitement, Eli. What's the difference? Golden Oreos are more like a cream rather than a chocolate base. Is that right? Yeah.

To me, they remind me of a can of custard cream. They are a custard cream, aren't they? Just for the international market. Yeah, I guess. We don't want no custard creams. We're going to own this. We're going to make them REO golden. That's right.

Zoop Mip Lip Plop is here to give you... Oh, what's this? These are vegan buttons, chocolate-style buttons. So they are exactly like Cadbury's buttons, a famous chocolate brand in the UK. Would you like to try one sans white chocolate? Not having white chocolate. I don't want white chocolate on mine.

Well, they're not... It's not really white chocolate. But the taste is still going to be close, and it's the taste that gets me. Okay. No white chocolate! I don't want it. Mmm. That's quite nice.

God, I'm hungry. Vegan. Is this vegan? This is vegan white chocolate from Tesco. Not too bad. Maybe so. It's got cocoa butter in it. Yeah, well, that's still vegan.

They don't make chocolate out of fucking... It's still chocolate, then. Yeah, there's just no milk. Are you putting that in there as well? Look, this is very daring. He's now put the golden Oreo with a chocolate button upon it under the self-same grill. This is decadence.

They're all right. Tastes like cheap chocolate, but vegan. What's too wrong? What development has happened? I'm just going to move it up slightly. He's moving the toast up. I'm moving it on up. Put it on the top.

Why don't point that in my face What about the microphone? Okay, so we've got it all on the go So now we just hang back guys How long does that usually take? It takes four minutes exactly Under the grill From this moment it's four minutes Could this be pimped with some hot sauce once it's slowed down?

Absolutely, yeah. You can add, depending on your family traditions, you add what you feel you want to add. Well, I have no tradition in my family of eating crisps, peanut butter and vegan cheese on toast. Really? No. Funny, because I know it's a big one, you know.

Have you, Paul, what do you eat? I usually put spring onions on my grilled cheese. Yeah, no, I do. I have mushrooms. It's a lovely garnish. Yeah, it's good, yeah. I on my grilled cheese. Yeah, no, I do. I have mushrooms. It's a lovely garnish. Yeah, it's good, yeah. I like making toasties. Yeah, toasties.

Okay, but you do a toasty. It's not an open-faced one. Oh, no, I can still do mushrooms on that as well. Do you cook the mushrooms or do you just let them grill? Grill them on top. Okay. On top of the cheese or the cheese on top of that? No, on top of the cheese because they curl up.

I'm going to check the cheese now. I'm checking the cheese. Well, we've still got a good three minutes left. Just as it begins to bubble, but not during the bubble, is when we need to take it out. This is all thrilling stuff. Eli, you're looking forward to it by the looks of things? I've got a real hunger on.

You've got a real meat boner. Not meat boner, food boner. I don't know why I said meat. You're about 40 seconds away from taste. Well, I'm excited. I'm here. I'm waiting. I'm here, Paul.

I'm waiting to eat the cheese. We limber up. Vegan cheese. Let's limber up. I'm rubbing my belly. Right, I'm rubbing his belly. No, don't touch me. You've knocked me headphones out now.

You're a wank. Are you ready? No, I'm not now because he's pulled my earphones out. And now I can't judge sound accordingly. I'm sorry, I've used the other plate. Hit me then. Eli, hit me. Okay.

I'm not going to hit you, especially if you want me to. Oh, look, it's a bit melty. Bit bubbly, the cheese, the faux cheese. It's come out. It's come out. There's your one, it's the heel. Very exciting about that. There's more gir There's your one. It's the heel. Very exciting about that. There's more girth to the bread when you get the heel.

Yeah, I think it's too chewy. I don't like it. And so all three. Let me just take a picture of this, please, ladies and gentlemen. Let me do this. I'm taking a picture. Bear with me. I can't wait to tuck in.

Oh, where's the heel gone? It's that one. Oh, there we go. I've got it in my hand. Right, ready? Are we straight in? Oh, it's hot. Oh, God.

I like. I like. It's a bit of a fucking fight to eat, though. There's a lot going on. Most of it's dense. Here's a layer of bread, peanut butter, bacon rasher, all frazzle, and then cheese. Molten cheese. Burnt my fucking lips off.

If you want a bit of a subtle difference, peanut butter, cheese, then your bacon bit. It's an interesting taste. It's very bold and very umami-ish. Paul doesn't like it. It's an interesting taste. It's very bold and very umami-ish. Paul doesn't like it. It's fine. I'll definitely eat it all but how bad for you is this?

Pretty bad. Well, I've eaten about half of that. Now I'm going to pimp it. Oh, what are you going to do? Put some chilli sauce on it. Mate, I'll have some chilli sauce. Oh, I'll definitely have some chilli sauce Ash

Yes Oh what's that called This is a Crushed scotch bonnet pepper sauce So it is like Literally just Bits of pepper All mashed together

I'm not gonna do that Because I think that's vile You think that's vile After piling up all these carbs. I don't know if I want that much, but put a dollop on mine to somewhere. A little bit more. Come on, a little bit.

That'll do. Yeah. Oh, baby. It's flavour country. We're going to flavour country. So, what do you think? Better or worse? Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Better than worse than I thought? The chilli makes that a little bit sexy. If I had a criticism, peanut butter is overpowering the other flavours. I think I put too much peanut butter on. Maybe, I'd agree.

The sweetness of the peanut butter. That's a stodgy. I love the chilli sauce, man. Yeah, I'd agree. The sweetness of the peanut butter. Ooh, that's a stodgy. I love the chilli sauce, man. Yeah, you like the chilli? I could have done half as much peanut butter. I mean, to your own taste, really. I can see you can adapt accordingly.

How often do you eat these? Yeah, that's a good question, mate. Three times a day. No more than that. It becomes too much if you're eating it three or four times a day. What would you call one of these? I don't know if it's got a name. Yeah. I'm open if the listener wants to give a name.

Can I call this the hot mess? Yeah. Vegan hot mess. This has been called the vegan hot mess. Oh. Oh. This is like man versus fucking food for me, this. Oh, and remember to turn the grill off accordingly. That's a really nice chilli.

Is that the name of the chilli? Whatever it's called again. Crashed Scotch bonnet. So Scotch bonnet's a type of chilli that they use in Jamaican and Caribbean food. Oh. I almost forgot. Dessert. I forgot.

Did the chilli... To me, it did. To me, it did. It gave a bit more variety on the palate. A second's Christ, I'm full. That really is filling.

Yeah. Like I said, it's a meal for the whole family. Phew. Paul? Oh, you're not finished. I'm going for a white chocolate one.

Oh, yeah're not finished. I'm going for a white chocolate one. Oh, yeah. Overload. Oh, God. I'm still eating the fucking toast, mate. You're sugary. It's a perfect accompaniment. I'd have this maybe with a Sauvignon Blanc. Fucking hot resuscitative as well.

Yeah, do make sure you've got someone on hand to resuscitate you. I'm getting a glass of water. Right, I am now going to try the Oreo and melted chocolate button combo. Oh, and I've just hit the chilli at the same time like a dickhead. So now I've got chilli

and chocolate. Oh, it's quite nice actually. Chilli and chocolate's a classic combo. No, that's fine. I think... What are you thinking? Enough. He hasn't. He's gone back in for seconds. See, peanut butter is one of those foodstuffs

that goes with a lot of other stuff, doesn't it? Yeah, how beautifully put. It's black stuff that goes with a lot of other stuff, doesn't it? Well, you try and say something. My favourite. Ah! Ah! That's the whole competition with her. stuff that goes with a lot of my stuff, doesn't it? Well, you try and say something. My favourite. That's the whole competition with her. It's very difficult to say anything.

I mean, sometimes you just witness an event and I feel like that meal really is an event. I can safely say, we've eaten a lot of shit on this show. You guys choked two piles of liquid. And that might be the densest, sweetest,

chunkiest shit I've ever chowed down on. You won't need to eat again until the next bank holiday weekend. God almighty. You know what I'm saying? Wash it down with energy drink. Sustenance. Fuck me. I think I'm going to have a stroke.

That's the kind of food you prepare when you've been smoking high-powered skunk since nine in the morning. So I'm here, guys. Well, what an interesting journey and possibly health-damaging trip to Ash's Vegan Kitchen. Vegan Kitchen. It was a triumph. Yeah. Thank you. If you pass Eli's test, you've passed mine.

Because he has a lot to... triumph. Yeah. Thank you. If you pass Eli's test, you've passed mine. Because he has a lot to... Oh. God. Extra bacon bits. No. No. I don't mind if I do. Shall I take these back into the studio?

Yeah. Right, well, that's been a successful part of the show. Let's go back to the studio for our sign-off. Okay. And we're back in the studio. Thank you for again. Sorry, sorry. How badly burnt in your mouth? Very.

The chilli was hot pot and I liked it. That's a very nice chilli. Shut up. It's meant to be a concise ending to the show. How about this, Paul? I don't say anything. Thank you. Finally.

And you can shut your mouth at all. It's the Paul Gallant Cheap Show. If the listener wants my ingredients and method statement for the hot list, you can go to my teletext page, 629. Okay, there you go. You can find the recipe for that on our website. No, there's not

one. Goodbye, everybody. That was Cheap Show. Hope you enjoyed it. If you want to donate anything to support this darling

podcast, or even if indeed you do, thank you, but you can go to the Patreon, not the Patreon. What? You said if you want to support it or if

indeed you do. I know. I got muddled up. I got muddled up. I just want to wrap it up and now it's getting longer. Right. Thank you for listening to Cheap Show. You want to wrap it up and now it's getting longer. Right, thank you for listening to Cheap Show.

You want to wrap it up and now it's getting longer. I know what you mean, mate. No, you don't. Nonsense. I do know what you mean. Thank you for listening to Cheap Show. If you support us on Patreon,

thank you very much. If you'd like to, that would be awesome too. Go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and find out more about whether you want to give a dollar or a thousand dollars or no dollars. It's up to you, even if you don't

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Bye! Bye. Bye. I want to wrap it up because we've got another show to do. I know. And I'm getting it. Well, say bye. You.

You have problems. I think I've verped some of the hot mess up. God. సమ్మ దేగ్ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ దేగ్ సమ్మ ద�ख सब्सक्राइब देख सब्सक्राइब देख देख सब्सक्राइब देख सब्सक्राइब देख देख सब्सक्रा� టేక టేక ప్మం దేక్ దేక్ సవ్యు తీక్ తీక్ తీక్ సప్మం దేక్ సవ్యు తీక్ తీక్ సప్మం దేక్ సవ్యు తీక్ సవ్యు తీక్ సప్మం దేక్ సవ్యు తీక్ సవ్యు తీక్ సప్మం దేక్ సవ్యు తీక్ సప్మం దేక్ సవ్యు తీక్ సప్మం దేక్ సవ్యు తీక్ సప్మం దేక్ సవ్యు తీక్ సప్మం దేక్ సవ్యు తీక్ సవ్� देख देख सब देख देख सब देख देख देख देख सब देख दिगी देख देख सब देख देख सब देख देख देख देख देख తేక తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక తేక సము తేక తేక త Thank you. Would I listen to this while raping a pig?