CheapShow - Ep 78: Mouth Grumbles

Episode Date: May 31, 2018

Who is Jimmy Biscuits? Well, whoever he is, Eli is NOT impressed by his appearance. Paul may be TOO impressed. It's a big, fat chunky episode of the world's only (probably) economy comedy podcast. We have a show packed with Tales from the Shop Floor, Eli's Top Three, Cheap Eats and we even cram in a board game too. If you wanted to know what the best kind of cheap Bombay Mix is, what Iced Tea to wash it down with and what happens when an out of date candy is bitten in to... Well, you have come to the right place. The Cheap Chaps also get the journalism bug when they play a 1950's board game called "Scoop" which is packed with drama, laughs and the shock of discovering old fashioned racist advertising campaigns! It was a different time. Apparently! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Okay, Eli, mate. No. Do you intro for me? Just no, I'm not. What do you want? I'm not doing it. I'm not starting the show like this. Mate, I like your intros.

You don't, because it's always you introing my fucking intro. I love you, mate. Fuck off, honestly. You mean a lot to me, creatively and professionally. Hello, it's Cheap Show, everybody. No, I'm giving you a genuine heartfelt moment. I don't care. I love you on this podcast, and I need you to know that I love you. I do. I care giving you a genuine heartfelt moment one of many few on this podcast and I need you to know that

I love you I do, I care for you I look around your bedroom and it's a tapestry of despair and I see you've moved Mount Grotpants to another side of the room

you've managed to migrate a mountain of pants my room has multiple sources so many you can't see where the door is to another side of the room. You've managed to migrate a mountain of pants. My room has multiple sources, so many you can't see where the door is. Is that the rhyme you've been sitting on for a while? I haven't been sitting on it. Backpocket job. Backpocket.

The sources obscure my pantsies. Okay. Right, shut up. It's Cheap Show. Intro. What? Do it. Hello, it's Cheap Show. What? Do it. Hello, it's Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman. Here's the other guy on the Cheap Show podcast today, Paul Gannon.

Excellent. Well done. Simples. Don't say simples. Stop saying shit that wasn't funny when it came out 15 years ago, minimum. Some unfunny puppet's marketing fucking catchphrase. That's how you want people to think of us. Retract simples right now.

Don't say simples. I stand by my simples. It's naff. I stand by my simples. Let's purge some of the naff out of the show. All right, go on. What can I do? Just don't say shit like that. How about that?

Start with that, Paul. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. Simples. Fuck you. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, all right? It's a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to fucking reset. Moodle time. Tales from the dance floor.

How's the big guy? The price of the shine. How's the big guy? The price of the site? This is for guaranteed hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Geek Show. They're not going on nuzzle. It's like me saying loads of money.

It's not like you saying loads of money. Yes, it is. It's not. Yeah, because that's not your catchphrase. Simples is not your catchphrase. I didn't take any ownership of it. It's the meerkat off the fucking insurance ads. Simples.

Whatever, what's on the show? No banter no how are you feeling Eli none of that how am I feeling I don't know let's do a catch up

how are you doing mate I'm alright yeah I stand by my comment about loving you shut up I don't want to talk about that why not why can't you

it bores me my love bores you yes right that's upsetting well I'm just saying it's upsetting. I have.

I'm suffering from allergies. Oh yeah. Yeah. If I do sound a bit bunged up. Oh you want to just hang a lantern on that then. The fact that you're a little bit bunged up today. I'm a bit bunged up today. Yeah.

Maybe have you tried any vocal exercises to try and loosen you. Like what? That's not a vocal exercise. That's just you. Just blow air out through your front teeth and your nose That tickled my lips So why are you looking Why are you looking at your phone? Because I'm looking for some bits that are coming up later in the show

I've got my book I've got a book, I was given it I can write notes down for cheap showing it now So I can tell you that for cheap showing it now. So I can tell you that on the show today is an intro. I think we're in the middle of that. This is the intro. And then we've got an Ask Silverman and a Tales from the Dance Floor we can have

a little go at. Tales from the Shop Floor. Yeah. Yeah. So don't get those confused. Alright. I won't because you're my mate and I like you. You're my mate. Are we doing a nicey-nicey show today? I'm going to be nice. All right. I won't because you're my mate and I like you. You're my mate. That's not, well, we're doing a nicey-nicey show today. I'm going to be nice to you today. I'm not going to be nasty to you at all.

I think every now and then you get a mulligan and I'm nice to you. What's a mulligan? It's like, it's a golf turn where you fuck up a shot so they go, you can have that one for free. Right, because he's, well, educationally subnormal. No, it's just maybe you have a bad day and you slice it. He doesn't act. What if he goes

into some kind of weird tantrum when he loses? My ball is in a tree. Yeah, and then he runs around. Perhaps he shits. He shits on the... He shits in the bunker

if you piss him off. So you have to give him the mulligan. I don't want a mulligan from you. Very poor. Oh, there's a doorbell. A doorbell.

You're expecting a door. Look, there's some sauce over there. I should mention that. Yes, your sauce mound. there's a doorbell. Is that a doorbell? Are you expecting a door? Look, there's some sauce over there. I should mention that. Yes, your sauce mound. There's a sauce mound. How's it going? Well, you've got the garlic there. I can't believe this is the topic of this fucking show.

It's pathetic. Anyway. There's barbecue. You've said, moving on, you said you've got a top three. I have an Eli's top three, making another appearance after several months. Several, several, many episodes, maybe not since the 40s or 50s. Let me tell you something, Paul. It's a doozy.

It's a doozy, ladies and gentlemen. It's a doozy. Simple. And then we've got a big bumper cheap eats today, haven't we? It is a gargantuan amount of cheap eats of epic proportions. You will not believe your mouth and ears. It's a computer world size. It's going to be crazy fun time, food time, excellent time, fun time.

Lots of cheap eats coming up. Lots of cheap eats coming up. And then we're playing a board game I picked up in a charity shop. Oh, God. What? That is what has become of this podcast. Yes. You have a problem.

I think we need to address it now. I do have a problem with... You have started to get a bit like a crack fiend for board games. Very much so. Very much. It's a genuine problem. You're fiending. You're jonesing for games.

I've got a stack of board games and every week it gets higher because they're just so cheap and I see some I just want so bad. Did you enjoy board games growing up? Is there some kind of psychological reason for this? I did enjoy boy games. Boy games? Board games. Games with boys.

Games with boys. Is that it? Is that all you got? You enjoyed boy games, did you, Paul? Yeah, I did. I enjoyed boy games. All right. Boy games.

Boy games. With the boys. The trees and the boys. The boys and the bees. I like the boy games. They're good. I play cuckoo. It's a great game.

Right. Someone says, hey, and you say, hey, back. And then someone says, potato sacks. And you say, potato sacks back. And then someone says a three-letter sentence. A three-letter sentence? Three-word sentence. That's the rules.

And you play it, and you go in, and someone says, I like candy. Did the family play a lot of board games? The family? Oh, the family around Christmas really liked it. I don't know who this guy is. This is old Jimmy Biscuits. Oh, Biscuits. guy is this is old jimmy biscuits oh biscuits is is a guy who's got lots of nostalgia from the united states of america that's right so my family would always play board games board games every

single christmas we'd get around and we'd play monopoly which is based on a parrot a parrot called monopoly a bird with mono. It's a great game. I'm just jumping in here to see, is this bit done, Paul? And have you? Shut up, I'm enjoying this. And then we play a game

called Fludo. I'll come back in five minutes. Yeah, you go. Fuck, I'm going to top up my coffee. So then, are you really going? Fuck yeah. Alright, then get out.

I'll carry on with this. You're going to do it. You're going to keep doing this. Yeah. The Boyd games Yeah And then I played a game called Fludo

Which is a great game It's like Cluedo But with Boyds I played this game A mouse a trapper There's Mr Black And there's Mr Bird Blue And there's Mr Blood Red

And they go around You gotta solve Who stole the bird seed It's a great game What else is there There's Buckup Who Which is about An owl It's a great game. What else is there? There's Booker Who, which is about an owl.

It's really weird doing it when you guys left the room. I feel so lonely. And then there's all these kind of crazy new games we play. Did I tell you about Booker Who? Is it Tales from the Shop Floor then? It's an owl game. What can we do with Tales from the Shop Floor? You don't like my...

I mean, I tried to pick up on something that might be amusing. It's an owl game. What can we do? It's a thousand shop floor. You don't like my... You don't like my... It's just that I've been... I tried to pick up on something that might be amusing. It's nothing amusing. Tommy Biscuits will be back next week. He's a reoccurring character now. We'll come back with more.

Let's start with your thoughts. Next time, it's Sweet Chaps. I got Sweet Chap candy stars. No, please. Tommy Biscuits, please. No. Tommy Biscuits. Maybe Tommy Biscuits and Richard

Brandaff should do a spin-off podcast. Don't say that name in the same sentence as this abomination. Tommy Biscuits. Is Tommy Biscuits going? Yes, thank you, Tommy Biscuits. Are you on your way out? We want Paul back to do Tales from the Shop Floor. I gotta go. Bye, everybody. Okay, good. Bye.

Bye. Right, ask Silverman. That was a successful segment. We weren't recording that. From when? From all of it. Oh, good, good. It sucked. I'm getting into a habit of doing that.

That story sucked. I don't know what happened in that story. We didn't get to it, though. I know. So we're going to start the whole Tales from the Shop Floor segment again, yeah? Yeah. Okay, let's do this. We're going to start again. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to capture all whole Tales from the Shop Floor segment again, yeah? Yeah. Okay, let's do this. We're going to start again.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to capture all the excitement of that original recording of this section of Telltales from the Dance Floor. It's not the Dance Floor, Paul. It's the Shop Floor. Tales from the Shop Floor. This is still going to go successfully. Paul. Yeah.

You need to differentiate, yeah? Do I. Shop Floor. Yeah. Shop I? Shop floor. Yeah. Shopping. Shopping. Yeah. Shop floor shopping. Let's get a mnemonic going here. Shop floor, think about chopped vegetables. Chopped. Chop, chop, chop, chop.

On the floor. Chop, chop, chop. On the flop shop. Ping pong. That's the chop floor. King prawn. Crown and prawn. Crown and prawn. Okay, shut up. I'm trying to help you, remember. Are we recording now?

Yes, we are definitely recording. Okay. So this is... To tell, to tell, to tell, to tell. From, from, from, from. The, the, the, the shop, shop, shop. Flow, flow, flow. Oh, yeah.

Putting needle on the record. Come on. Right on time. I've spilt coffee on my crotch. This just in. Eli spills coffee on crotch. That's the hottest it's been since 1999. What?

So I got laid in 1999. That was the last time I got laid, was it? Successfully. Where both of you were happy. Fuck off. Are you going to accuse me of some kind of fucking crime now? Are you accusing me? No, I'm not accusing you of a crime.

Well, don't fucking make shit up about my story. My life story. Your life story is adaptable. No, it's fucking not. Make the movie of your life. Eli, the movie. Ow.

Fuck off. I'm two years old. This bit isn't working as well as the first one we watched. Just do Tales from the Shop Floor. You're really annoying and shit. It's gone beyond a joke, Paul. Tales, tales, tales, tales from the shop,

from the shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, ping-pong, ping-pong, floor. Oh, yeah. Ian Fuller writes in on the shop floor. He goes, he's an American hey lads, I got a submission for Tales from the Shop Floor I'm an American listener

and I love Cheap Show and all the work you do on the Barshens and on the Spooktator thanks Ian, yeah, would you like to read it? I think you should fucking get on with it so that we can generate some kind of humorous traction in this bit because there's nothing.

You are just, you know, you've gone, it turned to a jelly. I used to work at a Kmart store while in high school. Better. From the ages of about 16 to 19. Too pausy now, it's too pausy. Kmart, if you don't

know, is like a Walmart, but poorly lit. God. And stuck in the year 1993. I left my coffee in another room. Oh my God. You're so shit.

This bit's so not working. So we're frightened. Listen. Do you want to read it? Do you want to read it? Yes. I was going to say. Read it.

Can I do Tales from the Shop floor? Fuck me. This is great. Why have we never done this before? Because you'd have no responsibility on this show. Listen, it's a responsibility. Can I just say, Paul? Yeah.

I'm happy to read some Tales from the Shop floor. Go for it. Liven this shit up a bit. Go for it then. Get to the point. Right, you ready? Yes, I am ready. Have we established,

he worked in Kmart and he's an American, he's called Ian, yes? Yes. So we established? He worked in Kmart. Yeah. And he's an American. He's called Ian. Yes. Yes. So one Friday or Saturday, just say one of the days. You just know. It's a vague memory.

Oh, well, maybe it was another day. No one cares what fucking day of the week it was. It was the weekend. Yeah. Fucking hell. One Friday or Saturday, I was working into the late evening, maybe about 9pm, when a guy came jogging into the health and beauty section of the store. He had to have been about 45 and looked just like the lead character

from the second Human Centipede movie. Have you seen that? Oh, yes, the ugly, ugly man. He's an ugly man, is he? Yes. Is he beardy? No, he's big and he's a little bit overweight. And he's got a face a bit like Marty and he's a little bit overweight and he's got

a kind of face a bit like Marty Feldman's if he'd headbutt at a wall thank you he came jogging up to me

panting and in a loud tone of voice nearly yelling asked me where's your lube and I was just

about to give him directions to the auto department when he then added, this time yelling, full sex! Fair enough, I thought, and I brought him to the sex aid department. He quickly scanned the shelves and then looked at me, at this time probably 16 and not yet touched a girl's nether regions. Thank you for that, Ian, thank you, and asked, what do you recommend? Since I had no experience in the matter, I replied, not sure, let me Google it.

To which he replied, I would have researched it myself, but someone didn't want to wait. What? Right. Anyway, I think we quickly decided on Astro Glide. And then basically, I ran behind him to the checkout counter, quickly cashing out. He said, thanks, man. And I managed to get out, have a fun time, before he shot out the door.

In one part of my mind, I'm thinking, good on him. His age still getting his meat wet. Getting his tip wet. His age still getting his meat wet, which is a sentence I never thought I'd read. On the other, the store was located in the area known for high rates of prostitution. Same result either way, I suppose.

Also, why buy lube but no condoms? Anyway. Thanks, guys. Keep up the good work. Well, thank you, Ian. That really did pick up, especially when it was read with some pace and fucking... Let me... I'll read another one.

Got any comments about that? Mad Man wants lube. Mad Man wants lube? Thug need lube. Lube. Where'd you be, mate? Mad need lube. Og need lube.

What do you need lube for, mate? Og have sex with wife. Oh, and you need lube. Og kill crocodile, wife very horny. Oh, do you have any condoms? I use crocodile. Lube the crocodile. It's only small crocodile. Oh, a you have any condoms? I use crocodile. Lube the crocodile. It's only small crocodile.

Oh, a little alligator. It's a very small alligator, which has og... Filed teeth down. Fit snug on og cock. You're right. This is great comedy. This is really good comedy. Snug on og cock.

All right. All right, mate. Right, got another story? I'll read it. That was good. Hang on, let me have a look. I liked the detail there in the end. Thanks, Ian.

Another tale from the shop floor? Yeah. Okay, here's another tale from the shop floor. It's exciting. I like being read stories too. This is from Rich661. So Richard Nothing is the name he's given. So I don't think that's his real surname.

You can maybe guess Richard might be, though. Yes. So Richard, thank you for getting in touch. Hello, cheap show. Smiley face. Nice. Open smiley face. Oh, like wide smile.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Happy face. Hello. I want gloob. I recently got back in contact with someone I worked with about 15 or so years ago.

He reminded me of a great story we used to retell other people. It almost seems like a story specifically made for you, but I swear this is true. The best of both our recollections. So there's a little qualifier there from Richard at the top. It means there's some margin of error maybe in the honesty and factuality of this story. Well, memory,

as we both know, Paul, as we both know, is not a reliable source of things, is it? No, it's not. You can barely remember to do anything I ask you to do. No, that's not the type of memory I mean.

It's the same kind of thing. No, it's not. It is. It's a completely different category of memory. I say remember to bring a blanket back to the sports festival. Remembering a story that happened to us is a completely different category of memory remembering a story that happened to us is a completely different category

of remembering than remembering to do something it's categorically different and you just try to segue into you lazy cat I don't do everything fuck I'm not turning that into this I was trying to say memory of the past

not remembering to do things a completely different thing so it's less like you're forgetting a blanket can we agree on that it's unreliable memories are unreliable I'm just agreeing with you

just so I can differentiate you're saying forgetting to bring a blanket an important prop to a festival comedy show oh you're so you're you're weepy

weepy fanny about this that is not the same as you doing an awful performance on stage and then thinking back and going, yeah, I smashed that. That was really good. That's more like what you're saying, isn't it? That is exactly what I'm saying.

But I have no time for your petty shit. It's true, though. So the best of their fucking recollection, Paul. All right. To preface this, because it's relevant, we had a very camp-acting floor manager. Oh, no.

Oh, you're getting to do a voice. A very camp-acting floor manager in a certain chain of gaming shops. What do we think? Game. Could be. Maybe. Sex. SCEX.

What was that? Electronic boutique. Could it be something like White Dwarf? Maybe. Warhammer. Warhammer. Warhammer. No, be something like White Dwarf? Maybe. Warhammer. Warhammer, yeah. No, they're called White Dwarf, aren't they? Who cares?

Fuck them. I don't. I mean, if you play it, yeah, but... You don't like... Make Og sad. Og play game. Og paint tiny man. Og try to play D&D, but Og's wife Vera don't like.

Og's wife Vera always't like. Og's wife Vera always ruins our fun nights out. We'll need to fuck Og's wife with crocodile dick thing. Yeah, that's appropriate. Camp acting floor manager

in a certain chain of gaming shops. One day, we heard one of our work colleagues almost shouted UGH! He rushed over.

How can you almost shout UGH? Maybe he went he's gonna go UGH! But he caught himself. He was like UGH! It was a sort of strangle. UGH! he rushed over. How can you almost shout? Maybe he went, he's going to go, but he caught himself. He was like, it was a sort of strangle. He rushed over to inform us that, yes, someone had taken a shit on the floor. If you're playing Cube Show Bingo, cross off the square where someone takes a shit right now. And there's a little side comment here from Richard. Nowadays, I amuse myself by assuming it was some sort of dirty protest about the price

of the PS2 bundles. Yeah, that's what it was. Very nerdy. Yeah. The floor manager decided he would deal with it. I'm not sure why, but I guess to try

and show he was willing to work too. Fair enough. So he disappeared upstairs and reappeared a few minutes later wearing rubber gloves and carrying a bucket

filled with soapy water. Got down on his knees in front of the PS2 display and attempting the cleaning of said shit quickly gave a really loud sigh. He took off the gloves and grabbed the shit in his bare hand walked past us angrily and

campily shouted, It's cake! Then stormed, stroke minced off back upstairs. Well, minced, that's very offensive terminology. He was a really nice bloke. But we laughed at that for far longer than we probably should have done. This may be a story that only seems funny to me all these years later,

but hopefully you enjoyed it too. Closed face, smiley, and mitre con. Keep up the good show, guys. Thanks, Rich. Okay, so let's unpack that. I think what happened was the story is reasonably true. He took the gloves off. I mean what happened was the story is reasonably true. He took the gloves off.

I mean, what is the main sort of focus here? What happened was he took the gloves off. Yeah. Took the shit and said it was cake. No, he took his gloves off and grabbed it because he knew it was cake. The question now is what cake are we looking at here? We're looking at a chocolate cake probably. Obviously a chocolate cake. Maybe a densely covered eclair.

Black Forest Gato. Black Forest Gato. A nice slice of that. But that's got big white streaks in, so it might... What about a banana cake? Banana bread with icing. It could be raisin bread as well.

That's quite dark coloured. Could be like a Christmas cake. Yeah. Could be a mini roll. What do we mean by it's a cake? I think he just means it's some kind of cake, some kind of dense, bready, cakey subject. So are we to think it is cake?

Yeah, no, and it was cake. Oh, is that why I didn't pick up on that? So it was cake. It was cake. It was not shit. No. But just the way he went, it's cake. Yeah, because he was angry,

because he went through all that emotional turmoil to get himself mentally in a position to clean up someone's... And then it was only cake. Gut droppings. Someone was playing a prank on him. Yeah. Like the Babe Ruth bar in the pool. From the Caddyshack.

In Caddyshack. Okay. Is there another story for me to read out? No. Should we do three? Because now it's time for something else that has a three in it. Eli!

Oh, by the way, thanks to everyone who gets in touch and if you want to send your own tales from the shop floor, story in thecheapshowatgmail.com. Now it's time for I see I'm doing professionally and upbeat

giving lots of energy for the next section of the show that you're going to love ladies and gentlemen we don't do it often but when we do it's always a barnstormer

please stand proud and listen to the famous award winning section of the show we like to call Eli's

Top 3 it's my top 3, yes, Paul. We're back again with another top three. This is where I say my top three of something. And it's always a solid and well-researched three. Category, and then you can comment, and you will come up with a weaker top three

that's unconsidered and just shows your deadness inside, your sociopathic unwillingness to even just relate to anything. In a real way. I like you though, Eli. And I think deep down you love me too. See, it's this kind of glibness. It's this psychopathic glibness. You just don't like getting in touch with your emotions.

You can't reach down and say, you know what, Paul? I can reach down. Say to me, do you mean it? I'm going to reach down right now. Go on. Into my pants. Right, I do what? Wank.

Why? Because I like to. I like that. That's an emotion. I'd do what? Wank. Why? Because I like to. I'm in the room. That's an emotion. I'm getting a warm belly emotion. Yeah? Say something else

because it's your voice that makes me want to wank. Ladies and gentlemen. My top three. I am genuinely a fan of Eli Silverman. Are we going to go into this again?

I'm doing my top three. I don't know why you fight it. I don't know why you fight it I've got a really good top 3 Paul today's Eli's top 3 will be my top 3 drumroll condiments liquid condiments

so this would not involve salt or pepper or any of these sprinkle on condiments which are you you know, chili flakes, bonito flakes. I'm getting the impression that nothing of any kind of dry

texture will be added to your list. And there's all sorts of things they have in Japan which can spice up the rice, like sesame, toasted sesame sort of seeds and stuff and oils and stuff. So not oils? We're talking liquid condiments. Liquid condiments?

Yeah. Now, this was a tough one for me, I have to say. A tough but important top three. Up until you mentioned the topic, I was reasonably excited about this top three. Now my level of interest could not be lower. Top three liquid condiment time, Paul. Can you spice this segment up somehow?

Maybe do each one of the different things in a different accent. No. Go on. All right. Yay. In third place. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, it's vinegar. Yeah. Yeah. Third place vinegar. I'm not going to ask what that voice was. I just like the attempt. See, it's a tough one for me, vinegar.

Yeah. Because very close to it in the fourth place. Now, this is a little insight into the way my mind works. See, it's a tough one for me, Vinegar. Yeah. Because very close to it in fourth place. Now, this is a little insight into the way my mind works. Wait, fourth place? Yeah. How many is in this list? It's top three, but I'm just giving some background, which would be fourth place and fifth place.

So it's a top five? No. You can see you get a little extra bonus opinion about my fourth, but the actual official is the top three. So depressed. And in third place So third place is vinegar. Yes.

But what is fourth then? Vinegar's very important Paul. Would you agree? Do you like vinegar? In small amounts. I've heard about people having vinegar sandwiches. That's not something I do.

Just bread and vinegar. No you put butter on and then vinegar on that. Oh no. That sounds not good. No that's not good. I've never tried it myself. I've never tried that.

And what's your feeling about balsamic? I like balsamic. Not on chips. Do you like it on chips? I've never had it on chips. The sweetness doesn't help with the chips. It's a middle class show. You want some malt vinegar on chips.

Chippy chips. You know what's good with vinegar on it? A lot of people don't think about. Bacon. Bacon and vinegar? Splash some in your bacon sandwich. Oh, that's a dirty little trick with vinegar on it? A lot of people don't think about. Bacon. Bacon and vinegar? Splash some in your bacon sandwich. Oh, that's a dirty little trick, isn't it? It's fucking good.

Is that a life hack as well? No, it's a... Do it. Say it's a life hack. It's not a life hack. I'll put the sound effect in. That's a life hack. I've got a life hack.

Yeah? Don't buy toilet paper. I did that one, didn't I? Yeah, I think you did that one. Yeah. This isn't life hacks, Paul. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. Eli's top three. And. This isn't Life Hacks, Paul. Yeah. Okay?

Yeah. Eli's top three. And in third place is vinegar. Right, good. Right, got any argument with that? No, move on to two. I don't want to hear about four and five now. Fourth was...

Just to spite you, fourth was fucking soy sauce. Fifth is ketchup, okay? Right. So it's a top five then, really. It's a top three. It's more of a top five. Those were the unofficial fourth and fifth places. Like, memorable mentions? No, like the unofficial fourth and fifth places. Like a memorable mentions? No, like the unofficial

fourth and fifth places. You want to say something else? Memorable mentions? Yeah, like we can't fit them in the top three so here are two that we wanted to get in. So they're not four and five. They're more like a side thing. Soy sauce. I thought it would be in your top three. Don't do that.

Yeah. Alright. That's right. I remember it would be in your top three. Yeah, that's right. Don't do that. Yeah. All right. That's right. I remember in the 80s when we had this little thing, this sauce machine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did that. Don't bring him back. Please don't bring him back. Okay, I'll go now, buddy.

Bye-bye. Why is he always coming in and then going? So what's number two? Number two, Paul. So we had ketchup. Top three of liquid condiments. Ketchup at number five. Four is soy sauce.

Three is vinegar. Two is... Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Yes. Mayonnaise. I guess it's a liquid. We've done it on Moff Brown Brown Off.

I guess it's a liquid. It's a condiment. Yeah, liquid condiment. We're not going to have a whole source of liquid condiments and then put fucking slightly more viscous condiments in a whole other thing. I thought you were going to be more like soy sauces and... Well, soy sauce is there, Paul.

These are all condiments. Sriracha. The only distinction, yes. Is that your number one? Number one is hot sauce, yes. Wow, but that's a very broad number one. It is a general... This is a general thing.

Like, I did nuts before. I did Eli's Top Nuts. And, you know, you can get general thing. Like I did nuts before. I did Eli's top nuts. And you know, you can get all sorts of cashews, can't you now? Smokehouse cashews, honey roast cashews, dry roasted cashews.

It's struggling for air. Can't you? It's not. You're struggling. This section is choking in a safe. You are struggling to gain, to keep your relevance in this fucking show. That's what it is for. It's like being locked in a safe overnight and are struggling to keep your relevance in this fucking show. This section is like

being locked in a safe overnight and the panic that sets in. You're struggling to even fucking operate. When you know there's not enough air to get you through the night. You are the least inspired person I've ever met in my life. And they'll find you in the vault the next morning, dead. Have you got top three? Beat that. With scratch marks on the door. Beat my top three. Condiments. Yeah.

What's your top three liquid or sludge condiments? Alright. Or slightly viscous? Condiments. Yeah. What's your top three liquid or sludge condiments? Or slightly viscous? Number three. Vinegar. I like vinegar. So you're not going to diverge from what I said. No, I've got my own choices based on personal preference. Number two

is mayonnaise. I generally like mayonnaise on bagels. I like them with... make a burger. What's your number one? It better diverge from me. Well, my number one is a controversial choice. It's hot sauce. That's not funny. It is.

Right. That's the end of that fucking segment. HP sauce. I like brown sauce the most. Yeah, so where would it go? Number one. Yeah, first. See, that's what I thought.

So be honest, Paul. There you go. Brown sauce is good. Brown sauce is good. What about mustard? We're not unmentioning the mustard. What kind of sauce is brown sauce? What's it made of?

It's a fruit. It's based fruity. It's fruity, yeah. What kind of fruit, though? Because it's like a chutney kind of sauce, isn't it? But without the lumps in it. It's kind of got... What flavour is it?

It's like bitter, sour. No, what is it? It's fruit. So it's all those... Spicy. Yeah, spiced fruit. It's a spicy brown fruit sauce. Yeah, it's a spiced fruit sauce, really.

It doesn't sound as good when you say it like that. They've got similar sauces in Japan, which are not called the same thing, but they're, yes. The brown sauce they have. Brown sauce is very nice, isn't it? It's similar. It's the HP sauce variety that I like. You haven't mentioned barbecue. It's a whole category.

That's another thing altogether. I don't want to get involved in barbecue. Well, there you go. Yeah. And then there's mustards, horseradishes, and then there's things like these newcomers, like the garlic dipping sauces you get in takeaway pizza places. I should say to the listener,

Paul is actually discouraged now. He's actually lost the fake discouragement that he tries to keep up to actually, you know, to antagonise me, to kind of keep the show going. Now he's just looking around the room. He doesn't know what to say. There's my top three.

Thank you very much. Yeah? Condiments, Paul. Get used to it, yeah? There's going to be condiment chat on this show. There won't be. There will be. There won't be.

I refuse to live in a world where... It's part of the show. Condiment chat is part of the show. It's the single most depressing thought I've had today. It's an integral part of the show. Well, if you enjoyed that, listener, why don't you write in? My top three, thank you.

Let's just call this podcast... Cashews. Eli Silverman's cheap show. Cashews is my top nut. Yeah. Yeah. I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate me now. No, nut. Yeah. Fucking come on. I hate you. I hate you so much.

Oh, you hate me now? No, I love you. Yeah, well. I love you. I want to stroke your perineum with a toothbrush. Well, that can be arranged. Certain price. It's a pricing structure.

Yeah. It's one of those ones that also has a tongue cleaner on it. I think 200 quid. As long as I did it, I could just put a little flap in my trouser and just reveal the perineum and nothing else. And then you have to stand at the other side of the room. Yeah. With a big, long stick.

With a toothbrush. Is it a big, long handle from across the room? Well, it's maybe a piece of bamboo, but it's got a toothbrush at the end of it. And I can... From across the room? Yeah. How big?

You can brush my perineum just like that. For a minute. Let's say a minute and it's 200 quid. Okay? These are almost agreeable terms.

No nudity. I want it to be filmed. I want to see the cash. No, you want it to be filmed. Yeah, I want documented truth of it. No. I want there to be

a record of it happening. It doesn't have to go up online. Well, we can have a witness who would just pop in. Pop in. Take a few pictures. No, not take a few pictures. Guinness Book of World Records turns up. You know. Norris McSquirt turns up. We can't a witness who will just pop in. Pop in, take a few pictures. No, not take a few pictures. Guinness Book of World Records turns up.

Norris McSquirt turns up. You know, we can't get the Guinness Book. You have to pay them, as you know. Yeah, to turn up. We had this thing where we did the longest ever recorded podcast. I think that's something our listeners wouldn't know about. But we actually have broadcast for, what, 27 hours? Yep.

And we went mad. And you stopped. You started looking at bus stops. Well, bus stops was interesting. Yeah, two in the morning. At three. There was stuff going on. It's a dark time.

The bus is arriving. What it's called, Paul, is broadcasting. It's you take what's around you. Yeah. And you put that into your broadcast. Like a Kaiser Soze thing. Yes. Oh, look.

I took the bus let's have a kaiser soze moment in your room oh oh hp there's a soy sauce there hp soy sauce oh yeah that more addition to the uh the valley of sauces is uh some uh tiger balm there mate you made it you see the tiger see the tiger bomb that's right that's right that's right i love your tiger balm That's neat, that's neat, that's neat I love your tiger balm Your tiger balm This section's over I've done it

Yes Got the jibbly hoo I got the jibbly hey I got the jibble at the wibble And the jibbly way The jibbly hoo The jibbly hey i got the jibble at the wibble and the jibbly way the jibbly who the jibbly woo i got the jibble and a wibble and a jibbly who i got that oh oh hey i got that me me gay i got the libble and a nibble and a hippity hey i've got the who yeah hobbly knob i got the jibble and a

flibble and a wobbly gob. I want to hear you cry it. I want to hear you try and stand up there and deny it. Come on, girl. Come on, girl. You know you want to play with a dingle dingle do and a wibble wibble hey. I got the wibbly hoo. I got the wibbly hey.

Can you stop? Have you started recording? I got the wibble and the giggle and the bibbly hey. This is not. I got the wibbly woo. I got the hibbly hey. I got the jibble and a wibble and a gibbly hey. Okay, he's not impressed.

Right. So I do something like that, yeah? Yeah, go for it this show on Patreon, by the way. All that money goes to really good use. No, Paul, I did it. Holy Paul. Holy Paul. Up the arse.

Arse. Arse. Arse. Arse. Shut up. Oh, I shut up. I shut up. Because that's nonsense.

Because that's nonsense. Because that is nonsense. That is absolute sound shit. You are nonsense. Someone just sent a text in. Infinite Strudel goes, here's a tweet. It says,

Eli in 20 years, smiley face. And then it looks like a picture of that. That's good. It's a picture of some kind of then it looks like a picture of that. That's good. It's a picture of some kind of, it looks like a kind of flump, a knitted toy. With a willy.

With a big wizard's hat and a big old willy hanging out. Like a flump with an erection. I'll put that picture on the website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Thank you, Infinite Strudel, that cheered me up no end. What time is it now, Paul?

It's four. It's time for Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Haunting. Haunting. Haunting. It's a big one. It's a big one. It's a big one, Paul. It's a big one. It's a fucking big one. What are you talking about now? A big Cheap Eats today. Is it?

On the show. Why don't you tell us what we're going to do then? Well, we are going to try and cover a lot of ground here with this Cheap Eats edition on the Cheap Show pod. We're packing a lot in. With you and me here. Yes. We are going to eat a lot of Cheap Eats.

There is a theme and it is a southeast asian theme a little bit yeah yes so let's with no further ado because we really do have to pack it in yeah we do have a lot to pack in let's let's compare a couple of what would you like to start with with the bombay mix let's start with the bombay bombay mix i'm gonna pick it up here we go this is a bombay Mix pack. It's 99p. Very exciting. Suitable for vegetarians. And it's by a company called Krishna.

Krishna. As in a deity, I believe, in the Hindu religion. I believe so. Yes. Vegetarian specialty snacks is what Krishna do. Oh, specifically vegetarian. Yes. It's suitable for vegetarians.

It's a crunchy taste and less oil. Not vegan? It doesn't say vegan. Let's look for vegetarians. It's a crunchy taste and less oil. Not vegan? It doesn't say vegan. Let's look at the ingredients. Let's look at the ingredients. Now, also, the other thing that appeals to me, just by the appearance, I should say, of the Krishna pack,

is it's Bombay mix, and then it says in brackets, if you'd like to read that out, mixture of noodles and peas. Of noodles. These are noodles. So it's a form of noodles. Mixture of noodles and peas. Of noodles. These are noodles. So it's a form of noodles. I feel like I've stumbled into a trap. Now let's see if it's suitable for vegans.

Yeah. Gram flour. Yeah. Dal, which is lentils. Sorry, there's someone singing in the front. We have a ghost. Green peas. Chick peas.

Rapeseed oil. Nice. Salt. Mixed spices. Colour E10T and E1110. Peanuts. Right. chickpeas rapeseed oil nice salt mixed spices colour E10T and E1110 peanuts right

so I don't know how that affects vegans if you're listening there are no meat products there's no whey there's none of these sort of things no whey

yes and there's also no whey no whey there's no whey apparently our name has now become synonymous with quality and reliability

for over 20 years what cheap show Krishna vegetarian specialty snacks so they're bigging up this Bombay mix and what does it look our name has now become synonymous with quality and reliability for over 20 years. What, Cheap Show? Krishna. Oh. Vegetarian specialty snack. So they're bigging up this Bombay Mix. And what does it look like? They've got the window at the bottom of the pack. You're looking at Bombay Mix. It's there. Now, you went

through a Bombay Mix sort of period, didn't you, in your life? I went through a Bombay Mix mad period of my life. And you used to have it every day? Because there was a corner shop near me when I lived in East Finchley that sold tiny packs of Bombay mix for 48p a pop. Always had a big handful. So I'd always have 50p and change,

and I'd buy them and have a little nibble when I got home with a naughty cigarette and maybe a good old cup of coffee. Okay. So he's gone and put a big... It's just a golden-coloured collection of noodles and peas. This is very nice, little baby. Yeah. That's how I take it myself.

Not too harsh. It's a warmth. The heat builds up. That's what you want, to build up. The chilli heat builds up. You know what I mean? They're very nice. Is that a noodle? Yeah. So basically, it know what I mean? Is that a noodle? Yes.

So basically, it's a good one. Is that a noodle? They're all noodles. All those cylindrical shapes are noodles. Is that a noodle? No, that is a dried lentil of some sort. Chickpea. And you've got the dried peas.

But that's a noodle? Yes, Paul, that's a noodle. So, and you're not messing. Oh, it's got a proper peas but that's a noodle yes Paul that's a noodle so and you're not messing this is oh it's got a proper kick is this a noodle can you

it's not amusing to me it's got three I'm not doing stuff that doesn't amuse me just because of repetition you can fuck off because it looks really thick it looks more like a biscuit

it's like a three pronged noodle three pronged noodle attack yes stop eating it now and I want some comments from you now Three pronged noodle. Three pronged noodle attack. Yes. Stop eating it now. I want some comments from you now. Is that a noodle? Stop showing me bits of Bombay mix and saying, is that a noodle?

You're done. I liked it. Not too harsh a flavour. Chilly, but a warmth chilli. It grows. It builds. Yeah. And you know what?

I always like the dried lentils and the dried chickpeas the peas essential yeah and this is Bombay mix okay Paul it's none of this new fangle

when they try and fucking juice it up by doing two of my bogeyman ingredients right on Bombay mix can you guess what they are

raisins absolute travesty coconut also almost as bad I like it with coconut though though, to be honest. You like it? Why? I like the desiccated coconut taste.

You're an idiot. You're an idiot. It's not Bombay Mix, though. You'd agree. It's not a proper fucking Bombay Mix. Well, what is an official Bombay Mix? I'll tell you. Should I read it out?

Go on. It's very simple. Graham flour, dahl, green peas, chickpeas, rapeseed oil, salt, mixed spices, colour, peanuts. But what makes it different from the other mixes that you can get? Different variations. There's a lot of variations. Some of them have rice krispies. This has none of those.

Now, be quiet. I want to ask you a proper question. It's an Indian snack, we'd imagine. Its basis comes from India, right? Yes. Popular in the UK as a result of the big Indian culture that lives over here I think it probably goes back before that to the Empire yeah true

but is it a snack well known in say Australia Germany, America is it a British thing outside of India I think it probably is actually yeah I've never seen it in America I've never seen it in Florida in the shops yeah but

in terms of the product Is this a noodle? That's not funny You dick So that's the Krishna What would you give that? Well I'll give it a good 8 out of 10

That's great It's not too overwhelming, it's a nice subtle taste Lots of variety of textures 8 We need to move on Man, that's just great. Yeah. It's not too overwhelming. It's a nice subtle taste. Lots of variety of textures. Eight. We need to move on. So we've got... We've got a very packed show. We've got lots to fill in.

So let's move on. We've got another brand of Bombay mix. Well, obviously... It's good price, isn't it, wise? Yeah. It's both 99p for 225 grams. How much is that one? The Krishna is at...

It seems like even more. How many grams? It'll be in the bottom right. 275. Yeah, it's more. So the Krishna is better value than this. So Rajbog. This is Rajbog.

Don't put the fucking Bombay mix near my records, all right? I have been told. All right. So Rajbog. Now, do you know what you got the brand? Rajbag or something. I've never seen this brand before. I think I've seen Krishna before.

Because when I chose these this morning, I got them based on how many of them were on the shelf So these were the two most popular brands In terms of the amount of variety they had on the shelf Okay, I'm going to go in Mate, food The house of pickles has got a spillage on Okay, never mind

Right, I'm going to have a noodle The noodles are softer Yeah Right, I'm going to have a noodle. The noodles are softer. Yeah. Almost tastes like stale. It's staler, isn't it? It's drier, more clumpy. It doesn't have that lightness. It doesn't have the same crunch the noodles need.

Yeah, it doesn't have the crispiness or the lightness. It's not that bad. I just think the crispness is better. It's a bit more muddy. A bit more earthy flavour. Maybe the texture of the noodle puts me off. I think the texture's puts me off. What is different about the texture?

It's just not as crisp. The noodles taste crunchy and they snap when you bite them and they crunch. Whereas those kind of... The Rajbog isn't as good. It's just a softer crunch on the noodle. They seem to actually be spicier as well, the Rajbog. It's got a slightly more of a tinge to it. It's got more of a chilli strength on the first bite.

You know what I really like about Bombay Mix? What? The little peanuts, little greasy peanuts. Oh. With the skin still on. Come on. All right, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I like Bombay Mix a lot. All right. But that is definitely not as good, the Rajbog. No. And also, it's still on. Come on. All right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I like Bombay mix a lot. All right. But that is definitely not as good, the Rajamouli. No. And also, it's more expensive. Yeah, that's true. So I'll give that a seven. On the cover, it says, too tasty to put down.

Do you agree? No, I just put it down. Yeah, I know. So factually incorrect. And also doesn't mention the word noodles. But it's another thing that Krishna has going for it. True. Made in the UK. Vegetarian. That. True. Made in the UK, vegetarian.

That's interesting. Made in the UK, where was this made? Dagenham. Dagenham. Which is in Essex. So both of them, that is the official Bombay mix mix. You've got the peas, chickpeas. It's all in there.

The lentils and three dices of noodle and then peanuts. That's it, man. Yeah. You don't want to be fucking with it. So both of those get top marks from me. So what have you given that one? Seven. I'll give it it, man. Yeah. You don't want to be fucking with it. So both of those get top marks from me. So what have you given that one? Seven. I'll give it seven as well.

Okay. Since you asked. Did we like those Bombay mix? Yeah, I did. Would you actually prefer it if it had coconut in? In all honesty, Paul. It's not that I prefer it, but if it's in there, it's a nice little bonus. I don't like raisins.

I agree with you on that. But if there's coconut in there, I'm like, that's fine. I'll allow it. You can live with it it you can live with it I can live with it now all of that spicy spicy Bombay mix Paul

we need to wash it down with something we do what have we got to wash it down I'm just going to grab some ice we've got a packed show we've got a very packed show don't fucking bad mouth me

when I'm out of the room alright we've got a packed show today Eli is a cunt and he knows it and he has a small dick as well it looks like someone's put a penny on the top of a great big well he's got a doo doo dingle dongle small dingle dongle he's got a

winky woodle and it looks like we're doing the song thing are we now as well oh dicky wicky wookie woo doogie boogie boogie boo he did a sl did a slimy poo. Slimmy slewy slewy woo. Wookiee woo, nippy woo. Nippy poorly cunty woo. Cunty cunt, cunty cunt. Cunts are poorly cunty cunt. He's a cunty cunty cunt. Cunty cunt.

Yeah? Is that what you fucking... That's what he's come to? Fucking don't be eating that now as well. So next up on... You're a very naughty boy today, Silverman. Next up on TV. You're being a very naughty boy.

If you don't behave, I'm going to pull down your pants in front of all these people and I'm going to smack your bottom. Next up on Cheap Eats, which we've got a big one. Don't, no, Paul, don't. Honestly, stay back. I'm fucking, I will fucking, I'll tie you up and then I'll do things

with my genitals in your face. Let's take a quick break now on Cheap Show while we follow this through. And we're back. That was great sex. We've got something to wash down. The spicy, spicy Bombay mix. Spicy hot, hot, spicy. That we just tried.

And that is iced tea. Yes. But you like your iced tea, don't you? I love an iced tea. Now, there's something unusual about these iced teas, Paul. Before we get there, though, a little bit of background. Okay, you like it. What's the best brand usually known

in the UK? Lipton's is the main brand. It only started a few years ago to actually have any kind of iced tea in shops. It's not a very British item, is it? They drink it on the continent. I think the Spanish drink it and in America, of course, it's huge. But only in recent years

have you seen any kind of iced tea in Britain and I for one Paul I'm glad get away from the Bombay mix I will fucking do not ignore me while I'm

am I coming across as angry I'm moving the mix away from the sauce right sorry do you want to pull my pants down and smack my bottom no I do not

I'll get it out no do not get your arse out of there I'll get my little body out. Do not do that. Thank you for supporting us on Patreon for this quality comedy content. Right, so we're doing drinks and we're doing iced tea. And Lipton's the best one. I personally like Charity, which is quite an expensive brand that's come in America.

And they do a mate. Have you known mate? No. It's a Peruvian tea. And it's like a different kind of tea. Okay. But they do a fizzy one. It's a Peruvian tea, and it's like a different kind of tea. Okay. But they do a fizzy one, and it's very nice. When the moon hits you, I like a big piece of pie.

That's a mate. That's a mate. A mate. Zinga-linga-ling, ninga-linga-ling. Go on. So today, the thing about all the other iced teas I've seen is they're non-carbonated. No, they're flat. This is fizzy iced tea.

It is made by London Juice Company. Okay, fair enough. London Juice Company, Simply Iced Tea. Right, is this anything special? No, that's it. And it is fizzy. There are three brands we have with us today. Three flavours?

It's all the same brand? Three flavours, sorry, yes. And it has a sort of Taj Mahal-shaped... It's got an Indian-esque design to it. I like the design on these. Yeah, they're all right. They're nice and colourful. Very colourful.

So what are the free flavours we've got? We've got lemon iced tea. Lemon iced tea. There he is. Let's see. Raspberry iced tea. Lipton have that as well. And a peach iced tea. These are all brands that Lipton do. Don't put. Raspberry iced tea. Oh. Lipton have that as well. And a peach iced tea.

These are all brands that Lipton do. Don't put it on the table. Sorry. Fucking well, it's a table. Yeah. But it's also got recording equipment on it. Warriors. Come out to play.

I get to say it. Fucking hell. There's peach, there's cunt. I don't know. Right. So, I've got some ice here, Paul. Yeah. I think we should start with the lemon.

Stop banging things on the table. I don't understand what you don't get about that. Right, down here? Is that okay down here? Yes. I need to... There's a practical element to this podcast, Paul, that you're just ignoring with your over- don't touch my popcorns don't touch my mic why the fuck off i'm gonna kick your face off i'm gonna just gonna can we just get on with

this session yes got a lot to pack in we're gonna start with the lemon iced tea paul yeah it's fizzy i'll pull some out now i've had this before i don't know Lemon iced tea, Paul. Yeah. It's fizzy. Pull some out. Now, I've had this before. I don't know. They are basically trying... It's hard making it much more like a soft drink, like a soda. It's a soda iced tea. It smells all right.

It smells like lemonade. Yeah. It's very sweet. It's not very fizzy, though. I will say that. Oh, he's always... You're such a fizz Nazi. Froth is very important to me, Eli. You should know that by now.'re such a fizz Nazi. Froth is very important to me, Eli.

You should know that by now. He's a fizz Nazi. So we ate the other day, and I got some food, and I said, I'll shout Paul a fancy root beer. So I got this root beer, and I don't know what the company was, but it was very poor. Awful, very poor root beer. British company, though.

We do know that. So what do you think of that iced tea? That's all right, actually. It's quite refreshing. It's not awful. It tastes... Do you know what it actually tastes like to me? Like a very, very watered-down shandy.

Stop putting things on the fucking table. Anything else to say? Yeah, the washing machine's on, and I can hear it in the background. There's probably nothing you can do about that. It's all part of the lovely ambience. So, he's finished that. That's nice. Well, we've got two more to taste. I'll have to drink from the same

cup. Disgusting. I'll just have it from the bottle. You have it from the glass and I'll have it from the bottle. Alright. So, what would you say for the first one? I think that's quite nice. Yeah. I like something that tastes of tea more and less of lemon. Yeah. It was more lemon heavy.

The tea's very much in the background out of 10 I'd give it 6.5 yeah alright 6.5 yeah so we're moving on to flavour number 2

I mean I get in I like iced tea with no sugar added that's what I'm into okay like jasmine green or green yeah

like Korean or Japanese ones that's what I really like that's really refreshing really you get the tea cannon kind of flavour you get proper tea flavour and it's very refreshing that's what I tea cannon kind of flavour. You get a proper tea flavour and it's very refreshing. That's what I'm trying to

not drink sugary drinks. But here we are on the peach flavoured one. Peach. Awaken your senses, this says. Simply iced tea peach. I'm going to let you have the first sip there. Oh, that's got much more again, very peachy. Very little tea.

It's like a peach soda. It's nice, though. And weirdly, the fizz makes it feel like you've got a bit of peach in your mouth. That kind of little fuzzy, fizzy fuzz. You like that? A little bit of fuzzy, fizzy froth that I like. Do you prefer that to like a Lipton's? It's been a very long while since I've had a Lipton's.

You're not into iced tea, just as a concept, are you? It's never one of those things I think of when I go, oh, soft drink. Yeah, I do. No, that's fair enough. I do. Okay. But that's nice. Peach was nicer than the lemon? Yes. I think of when I go, oh, soft drink. Yeah, I do. No, that's fair enough. I do. Okay. But that's nice.

Peach was nicer than the lemon? Yes. I think so. I'd definitely drink more of the peach. What, are you going to go up to a seven? Or what did you say for the last one? Seven and a half. 7.5.

Oh. It's all right, though. I'd spend, that's 99p. I'd spend 99p on that. Yeah, not too bad. And the last of these, Paul. Oh. Is raspberry.

In a packed show, lots to get through. Lots to get through. The last one. And this is the last of these, Paul, is raspberry. Packed show, lots to get through. Lots to get through. The last one. And this is the last of the fizzy iced teas. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Excuse me. We are very gaseous.

Yeah, we are, aren't we? Not me. You just did burp, though. Yes, but the gas was from the thing. I'm making an excuse. That's what I'm saying. I'm not normally just... Yeah, ringy dingy dingy doo. A whittly hoo, a diddly doo. You open this saying. I'm not normally just... A-ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-do.

A-whittle-a-hoo, a-diddle-a-doo. You open this one. I'll open this one. What do you think about artificial raspberry flavour generally, Paul? Depends on what it is. Because there is that... I don't know if it's a myth, but there is a quite strong indication that the flavour, the artificial raspberry flavour, is derived

from a beaver's arsehole I'm not even joking I couldn't possibly comment it's a beaver gland from a gland they take an extract out of a beaver's never regions

an anus around his anal gland he's got squirty glands in the anus what does the anal gland do if it's not the anus it gives you all squirty stuff this is why we don't do

travel shows or wildlife shows or anything that involves knowledge it squirts you know like sex juice into your arsehole from the inside. Well, I'm hoping you're taking a sample of that. So this is raspberry iced tea, simply iced tea.

And this is the last one from the ladder juice cavity. It does weirdly feel like it should be alcoholic, but it's not. Maybe it's because it comes in a bottle. Yeah. It should be alcoholic, but it's not. Maybe it's because it comes in a bottle. Yeah. It's a strange crossover that I hadn't really envisaged,

but they do do it. They do do it. They do fizzy iced tea, don't they? We've had it. We've got it on the show. We're drinking it. Doing it. Just drink some.

I'm having some. Pat show. No, that's the raspberry one. No. No. I don't know. Do you want it officially? No, it just kind of

feels a little bit weak. No, to me that's got a kind of chemically sort of A little chemically. It's got a kind of chemical aftertaste. Yeah.

The flavours are very artificial. Most artificial flavour are of the cleaning fluid. Yeah, basically. You know, it does taste like It's like it's derived from a beaver's gland. Oh.

Right. I'll give that six. Maybe even 5.5. 5.5. I was going to say. So that's been... Is that it? That is not it.

No. Let's move on. Let's move it on. And what else you got in the bag there, Paul? Well, this is a bag that you harvested. So tell me about your harvest. Let's stick for the second with Indian and Southeast Asian ones because we tried before

the catchy mango bites. An interesting flavour. Bit grassy, bit juicy, bit fruity. I liked them. And now we have Pass Pass Pulse Guava and Tangy Twist. Same sort of format sweet but this is guava instead

of mango. Fascinating thing. All in their little individual packets, there's a hard-boiled style sweet. Why is it called Pulse? Is it just the brand name? There's a very guavary smell coming off. Even in my besnotted state, Paul, it's

breaking. There's an odour of guava. There is. There's a strong odour of guava, and it's not entirely unpleasant, is it? Are you having some trouble getting the fucking sweet out of the thing there? No, I'm done. Oh. Oh. What an interesting flavour.

Guava. Yeah. It's almost got a spice element to it. Oh, no. Oh, no. Mr. Smitty. Oh, no. Mr. Spitty. Mr. Spitty, here you go, Paul. Are you going to have to spit out?

Are you spitting out? I'm going to go, Paul. I wasn't expecting that, ladies and gentlemen, today. I'm going to bite down on my... He really doesn't. Paul does not like that. Oh, God. That is...

Oh, God. Oh, mate. I've got tissue. Paul. For fuck's sake, Paul. I know it's a dirty room, but look, you're dripping saliva from your hands, man. I've got tissue. Oh, God. I know it's a dirty room, but look, you're dripping saliva from your hands, man.

That's not tissue. Oh, God. There's saliva on the floor. That was the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever put in my mouth. I'm still trying to enjoy mine. Have you spit it into it yet? I'm going to do that now.

It's quite a pleasant guava taste. Bite into it. Oh. It's quite a pleasant guava taste. Bite into it. They're off. They're off or something. There's egg. There's a sulphury egg. Oh God.

They're actually off in the inside, I think. It was a little release of pure egg. Oh, that's... Sorry. That really was bad. They had egg inside. Right, let's move on. Can you pass me any one of the... Can you pass me the peach drink, please?

Yeah. I hope we're not poisoned. It was an egg-y guava egg surprise. That was a bad twist so let's just we just say zero oh god it started off quite nice

the outside acceptable and then it went egg that's sulfuric eggy I don't know if that's what the men are taste of

or they're off or something what's the last thing please don't let that be off no that's that's not that's not the last thing yet Paul god we've been doing this for fucking ever.

Just try not to fucking almost vomit and puke all over the floor. And spit on the floor. No promises. That was a really harsh experience. Very nice. E.Widdle, since 1851, has been making these. What was the name? E.Widdle.

They manufacture, these are posh Jaffa cakes. Raspberry flavoured Jaffa cakes. It's the original Weddle chocolate sponge cakes with raspberry jelly in dark chocolate. These are posh-arsed Jaffas. Are they? Yeah. It's dark chocolate for one.

Oh God, I've got that egg sort of rattling around. It's lingering. I'm going to have a sip of something. Have a sip, it helps. Wash the egg man away. These are really nice though, Paul. Have it. There you go. Describe that.

It looks like a Jaffa cake, my friend. Does it look exactly like a Jaffa cake? Yeah, pretty much. It lacks a little bit of texture. Look, it's got nice posh writing on the bottom. Do you want me to explain or are you just going to talk over me? Because you don't listen. Go on, go on.

Looks like a Jaffa cake it's got less design on the top so it's a bit flat on top instead of the chocolate draping on the jam beneath it's less trellised it's also got

E. Weddle or Weddle or Weddle tattooed on it in a kind of branded way trademark very good detailing

on the branding isn't it you can really make out the letters nice touch let's just go ahead and bite it that's not bad Branded well, yeah. Trademark. Very good detailing on the branding, isn't it? You can really make out the letters. Nice touch. Let's just go ahead and bite it. That's not bad. Not bad. The raspberry flavour, it's a bit stewed.

Do you know what I mean? It's like a bit sort of like in a fruit cake. Yeah. It's got that kind of fruit cakey. Like caramelised too much. Not like a fresh raspberry flavour. No. Like a sort of concentrated... You know what I'm getting at? Like Not like a fresh raspberry flavour. No. Like a sort of concentrated...

You know what I'm getting at? Like cakey sort of raspberry flavour. It's all right. I like that. I'm not that keen. It's actually the... I like the dark chocolate. It's the biscuit that I don't like.

The sponge is a bit too... A bit too... Powdery. Yeah. A little bit too crumbly for my liking. I do quite like that. That's fine, though. That's great.

That's great. Six out of ten for me for that. Really? Is that it? Yeah. I'm going to go 7.5 do quite like those. That's fine, though. That's great. That's great. Six out of ten for me for that. Oh, really? Is that it? Yeah. I'm going to go 7.5. Oh, okay, well. Weddle, e-weddle.

Oh, yeah. Right now, Paul. Oh, mate, how much more? I can't fucking take this. We said it was going to be a big one, didn't we? Yeah, but Jesus. Now, this is a snack that I've enjoyed recently quite a lot. Oh, God.

I feel like I've been poisoned. I feel like I've been given a sugar high. This is a bespoke thing that I've been getting in the shop in Chinatown. Adrian's Delicacies make these, and they're very DIY, aren't they? Because they have... They don't look cheap eat to me. They're £1.85 for a whole of that. That's not cheap eat.

You can taste these garlic peanuts if it's the last thing you do. These will not make you retch. These are very nice. So you get peanuts and salt, oil, garlic, MSG. So they're very, very, very nice and umami. But also bad for you. No, MSG has been cleared. Oh, has it?

It doesn't give you headaches. I didn't know that. It just makes it more umami. It is the essence of umami. Yeah, but I thought it was just like bad for your cholesterol or something. Have some of those. Okay. Very greasy.

Yeah, they're all right. Now, the good thing about those because unfortunately I ate it all out. Yeah. Is you get little bits of deep fried garlic, crunchy deep fried garlic in there. I'm sorry they're all gone, so you can't really give that a score.

But let me just say nine. Nine for Adrian's garlic peanuts. 7.5 for me. Not even fucking listening. Look at him. 7.5, yeah? I did listen. Horrible food.

That's cheap eats then, is it? Is that anything else? I've got nothing else. You know what else can we take? Hot sauces? Ooh. Ooh. I'm giving him a food. My top condiment. I've given him a food...

My top condiment. I've given you a food bonk on. Yeah, top condiment there, mate. No, it's all right. I think we'll do. That's enough food. I think I've had a really weird... I mean, that egg thing was weird.

I'm sorry. I did not plan that, Paul. I know you didn't. By your reaction, I realised. I thought you were overreacting, and then I bit into it. And then you realised. The heart of eggness.

I entered the heart of eggness. The heart of eggness. You're right fucking did fuck me but those garlic honestly those off

slamming things on the fucking table sorry Paul dismal my life's dismal yeah it is and it deserves to be fuck you

deserves to be here comes my fucking friend my only friend on the podcast yeah Jane hello hey Dean how you doing no no Deserves to be. Here comes my fucking friend, my only friend on the podcast. Yeah. Jane. Hello. Hey, Jane, how you doing? No, no.

I'm Jimmy Biscuits and I come from the past with all the things you remember that you like. Hey, do you remember... I remember when you... We're not putting that gag in. We're not putting that gag in. I remember when Jimmy Biscuits, as well as breathing. In fact, the reason that Jane, me, that is, has this breathing problem is...

That is not being left in the episode. Just not putting that in the episode. Fucking fine. That's disgusting. I know what Jimmy Biscuits is up to. No, he's not up to anything. I know what he's up to. Nostalgia, yeah, it's great. Fucking...

Don't come round here. I'm angry. Jimmy Biscuits just want to say he's been misrepresented by the press. That was an eggy look. I think it has gone off. I don't want to look at that. It's gross. That is nasty, nasty, nasty, nasty. So that was, I thought that was on the whole, quite a good episode of Cheap Eats.

That was a packed rollercoaster. Now, I'd just like to say on the Bombay mix topic, we should taste, because there are, and I noticed here, a lot of different legitimate mix profiles that have different names. And on the Rajbog, they have listed... There's one called Sev. Yeah. Spicy Sev. Yeah. Spicy Sev. Yeah.

Sev Mumra. Mumra? Thundercats? Yeah, literally. It's Sev Mumra, yeah. Thundercats! Boondi. Mate. Excuse me. Masala Boondi. Nylon Sev. Ha!

That sounds like a fucking great band name. Nylon Sev. Yeah, What? That sounds like a fucking great band name. Nylon Sev. Yeah, man. Yeah, maybe. Fucking excellent. Nylon Sev, Paul. Fuli Githaya.

Tikka Githaya. Did you see me? Then they've got Bombay Mix. These are gam. They've got some fucking extensive range of tasty snacks. I'm telling you that right now. Lentils. There's lentil ones.

Mate, this is the most detailed breakdown of all the snacks I've ever seen. It's boring. Perhaps that's why Rajbog is more expensive. You get a lot of detail and information about the snacks there. Stop being Bombay mix boring. Right. Ladies and gentlemen. Good.

What do you prefer? Some sweets. Some English sweets. No, I like Bombay mix. Yeah. With Union Jack on. Fuck off. In your underpants.

Just shut up now. Shitty underpants. Shut up. We're done for half an hour and ending this segment. Say sorry. I'm not saying sorry for anything

apart from that egg thing. Can you wash out that your... You do it. Do it. Wash out my mouth grumble. I'm not washing your mouth grumble. You fucking do it. I'm ready. Are you ready? Because it's time for one of my... I just said.

I mean, how stupid is that? Three seconds. And you got contentious. You're such a little grotty, miserable, soiled. You're going to be nice. I've given up. Why? I put so much love into this.

I craft this show with my own two hands. And you walk in and you walk up. I don't walk in anyway. You walk in and you walk up. This is my room. You walked in here. I walk in and you walk up to this room. And you're all Mr. Attitude.

walk up to this room and you're all Mr Attitude. Mr Highfalutin Don Tootin Yosemite Sam Scum. Today on Cheap Show we're going to play Scoop. We're going to play a board game called Scoop. It's Scoop everyone. And Paul

has been collecting the board games and this is a bit of a coup and this is one of the most interesting ones you've brought into the studio. As far as I'm concerned Paul, okay. As far as I'm concerned, Paul, as far as I'm speaking, I don't know why I'm talking like this, but it doesn't matter. I don't know, but it's condescending. Yeah, so I like this. It's a 1940s version.

I'll tell you the fact, it's called Scoop. This is released by Waddington, which was the company that released a lot of popular games back then, like Cluedo and I believe Monopoly back in the day. I know it's all bought by Hasbro now. Did they have Scrabble, Waddingtons at one stage?

Maybe. I honestly don't know. 1953 was the year this was first published. And I think this version is the 50s version of it. It must be. I mean, it could easily date back as far as there being a first edition, couldn't it? Yeah. 1953. It's very much got that vintage look to it.

Oh, it's a beautiful looking game. It's a very complete set, I have to say, Paul. I'm quite impressed. It's a bit aged and a bit battered, but ultimately, it's in really good condition. It comes with this editor's phone, which we'll go into later, but it's a little cardboard bit of magic

that you pull a little dial and it changes the cardboard reply that you get depending on the number that you call on this cardboard phone thing. Yes. And that's still got its handle because you can imagine that breaking very easily. Very easily.

I mean, there's a little bit of damage to the handle on the paper, but, you know. It's still attached. It's still attached. It still works. It's still fine. It's got that nice 50s musty style to it. Now, just sum up the game.

Just sum it up, okay? Scoop, the object is to completely fill the blank page of a newspaper with stories and advertisements of as high a value as possible. You get a choice of five papers of the times to play so you can choose from the Daily Chronicle, the Telegraph, the Times, the Daily Express and the Daily

Sketch are represented. This is a little bit different I think because I think they're talking about the American version and this is the British version. So I say what's... Yeah, have a look at what cards we've got. The papers that we've got here. Yeah. News Chronicle.

Don't remember that. Daily Express. Yeah, still around. Daily Mail. Boo! Still there. Daily Fail, am I right? And the Daily Telegraph.

There you go. We've got four. Four to choose from. There should be five, did it say? One, two, three, four. Well, there's five here, but maybe one's missing. Will that affect the game and our ability to play it? Are you sure, Paul?

Yeah, because only me and you and me pick one card each. I might just give up now. I might just give up. Well, thank you for listening to Cheap Show, then. Because Eli doesn't want to get his ass handed to him again. So we have to fill the page with stories. And how do you get them? Well, let's find out.

The total value of the full page can vary considerably according to the individual totals marked on the back of each story card that you pick up. You can't have a look at them until you put them in. That's part of the thing. No, because they have values on, so you know how much the story's worth.

So you take from the top when you have to grab one. And then you keep it a secret until the end. Or until the timer runs out as we'll be playing it. Okay. So we're playing. Players? News editors. Basically we play the role of news editors. It's a role playing news player.

But you fill the pages up with these story cards. It's weird. This is a time when it was sort of glamorous. Because you wouldn't think of that now. It being a glamorous job. Well the idea is, in this, it's more of a card game, really. So the idea is, players need to collect or buy three cards that show a reporter, a photographer,

and a telephone card. When you collect all three, a call is made to the cardboard telephone to the editor, the thing I was showing you there, and then based on the number on the front of the card, you dial that, and then it comes up with, if you can press ahead with it and add it to your page, or whether you don't get the chance to

and you have to throw it back into the pile. Things of that nature. Stop looking at me as if I'm about to fuck this explanation up when I'm basically reading it off this website. Let's just get going. No. If approved, the player takes the top card from the story deck and places it on the newspaper page,

and then that's it. It gets a little bit more complicated, but we'll try and play a reasonably simplified version. Do you have the rules? Yeah, they're right here. Well, we have to follow the rules. Yeah, we will. That was just from BoardGameGeek, the website. Because there's things like...

Okay, so let's just pick a card first. Pick one of the front pages. Who do you want to be? Well, the News Chronicle. I hope that wasn't a Nazi one. And I'll be the bad guys. I'll be the Daily Fail. Am I right, listeners? We hate the poor. Kill people of colour.

Don't trust Johnny Foreigner. Isn't the Queen nice? Yeah, very broad satire of the Daily Mail. Theresa May's got great legs and a perfect pair of tits. Right, that was wrong in so many ways. Okay. You're the male Would you have sex with Theresa May?

Are you asking me as a serious question? Yeah There's a pricing structure to this Is there? Endeavour, yeah Let's just say She gets blackmailed And it's like

It's a bit like that Black Mirror episode Where instead of fucking a pig She has to fuck you On TV Well, what am I getting out of this? Millions Yes Yeah? I would do it for a million quid Yeah, but Well, what am I getting out of this? Millions. Yes. Yeah?

I would do it for a million quid. Yeah, but you'd be... Do I have to be erect? Could they give me some drugs for that? Well, we're moving on. Let's play Scoop. So, you've picked the front page. News Chronicle.

Daily Mail. We've both been given the bank money in the game. You've got a pile just there. Oh, I didn't see that. That is $2,500. Loads of money. Simples. Loads of money. Loads of money. Simples.

100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 600, 700, 800, like this, 900, 100, 1100, 1200, 1300, did I say that? 1400, 1500, 1600, 1700,400. 1,500. 1,600.

1,700. 1,800. 1,900. 1,200. I've got 2,500. That's how much you should have. Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah. Good. What this? I steal your money, do I? No. What do we use the money to pay for? Stories? Stories and bits and bobs.

You've opened it up. There are flaps at the side of this. I'm opening my flaps, Paul. Now, on the flaps, you've got two sides, right? Oh, I've got to get this, lay this out. You can put it on your bed. You'll be fine. We're in.

How long till estimated game kick-off time, Paul? Soon. Right? I've got my money. I've got my paper news thing. Now do I start picking cards? Yes. What cards do I need to pick right okay so here we go each player makes a telephone call to any blah blah blah yeah now that's the part of the girl could you read it out if it is a rule that i need to know because

you know so it's just telling me that these cards need to be face up so the value is face down so you can't see how much they are because you have to take them from the top each time. Okay, and there are four different kinds of cards there. They correspond to these gaps on your page. So you need to fill... General story, two general stories. Yep. Two crime stories, two ads at the bottom. Star stories in the middle.

And there is a triple star story. Tell me about that, Paul. So that whole middle column is for three star stories. Now, three star stories just mean they're the most prized stories. Triple star stories. What did I say? Three star. Same difference.

The triple star stories are quite highly valued, right? But you can fill it up with either one big story and two small, or four small, or two big stories. Or one triple star. Triple star story. Yeah. Shit! He spilt his drink, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, fuck. Not funny. It is, though. Now he's going to have to go to Mount Groppant and find some wayward... Oh, that's a big spillage. It's all over my cables. I'm not happy about this.

Give my cables a wipe. Ladies and gentlemen, I can only apologise for this. This is our... This is our Someone Calls Up Five Star. It's melting the Bombay mix. Save the Bombay mix. Save the Bombay mix. Okay, that'll have to do the interim port.

Now I've got a very, very sticky cable. Sticky cable. It's all wet. It's all wet. Well, it'll dry out. It's all wet now. You've got, look at this. Look what you've made me do.

Fine, okay? I'm ready to play. This room's a disgrace. I'm ready to play. So I pick cards and we try and put them in there that's it rules each player takes a newspaper blank

and places it in front of him we've done that to the left flap you get type of form in the absence that means if you've got any cards you want to keep hold of and not trade

you can put them in those gaps however that means I do know what you have in your hand and I can steal those if I want to if the rule says I can right the right hand side flap

is just where you theoretically put your money you don't have to it's just there your money. You don't have to. It's just there, alright? The middle part... Don't you... You don't have to put it on that flap.

It's just a place where you could. Can I, like, stick it in my vest? No, it's not touching your body, you filth. Right. Each player makes a phone call to any number of his choice. And the first player

to obtain a triple star is the dealer. So we can play with this thing or me and you can just decide which one wants to be the cash dealer. Do you want to do it? I'll deal the cash. I've worked in a casino. Yeah, but not a newspaper.

Yeah, but I'm handling the cash, right? Yeah, you are. So that means that cash in those stories on that table. I'll handle it. Right. We'll just skip that. And now we've decided you're the dealer. I'm the dealer.

Right. Right. The dealer shuffles the pack of scoop cards and deals three cards. Oh, I've got the scoop cards. Very nice. Do you want to open one up at random and just see what's on the back? I've the dealer. Right. Right. The dealer shuffles the pack of scoop cards and deals three cards. Oh, I've got the scoop cards. Very nice. Do you want to open one up at random and just see what's on the back? I've got one. It just says photographer.

Yeah. Another one says telephone and a number. There we go. A three-digit number. And that's what numbers used to be, didn't they, Paul, when the phones started to come out? Corn Birkenhead 363. Yeah.

London, two double one. Imagine that, only having to remember three numbers. These days, you don't have to remember numbers at all, because you just pre-program it into your phone, and then when you lose your phone, you're in the woods in the middle of the night and you find a payphone, you can't go home, because you go, what's my mum's number? Oh, no. And then you hear the man in the background go,

I'm coming to get you. I think I'd go for 999, Paul, I still know that one. What's that? What do you mean? What's that? No, fuck off. 999. Stop doing your cards anyway. I've shuffled the cards.

They're very truly shuffled. Now he says, I'll deal with you some. Deal three cards face down to each player. This is good because there's all this equipment in the way. Don't put it there. You can just fucking... I have to deal them. Just listen.

All right Alright go on You're being a prick about this You want to play games Let's play games Yeah we are But you're making a fucking There's three cards Right good

You're making a shit out of it You're making it shit I've got my three cards Do I look at those? Hang on I don't know We're going through I did have a little

Read of this beforehand And think It's still worth going through The rest of the playing cards Are placed face down In the centre of the table, so just put them there. Just put them there.

Put them there. That's going to be problematic. But it's easier for us both to reach than me behind there. You know what? You're a fucking menace. They're there. If you didn't live in such squalid filth, maybe we'd have more space to play. If you didn't have all sorts of wires going around everywhere.

At this point, there are no discard pile, but I imagine any cards dealt back into the thing will be next to that. Yes. All right. Okay. The first player to discard puts his discard alongside.

Yeah. Discard pile is then. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So sticks rules about that card. Each player takes 2,500. Yeah.

We've got that. Okay. To obtain a story, a player must collect three cards according to the indication on the story space on your newspaper blank. So if you look at it, see general story, a player must collect three cards according to the indication on the story space on your newspaper blank. So if you look at it, see general story, the red dot, it means you have to get a general reporter, a photographer, or a telephone card in your hand. Okay.

And you then trade those three in for a story. You have to get three of them? Yeah, in your hand to trade in for the cards over there. Yeah? Yeah. To obtain a story, the player must collect three cards according on the indication... Yeah, who doesn't that? An advert is similar,

but you must have space salesman, artist, and advertiser's approval, and then the same process happens with the editor machine over there. Triple star stories could only be obtained by a telephone decision. So that means you may collect enough for a story, right?

Yeah. Pay attention. But if you dial on the phone and it says three star story, you can get one of those instead then. That's how you get it. That's how you bump it up. Alright. Alright? Yeah. If a player is telephoning for a decision on a story and gets the

triple star signal, he gets to pick a triple star story and place it on his front page. At a player's turn, he may, after examining his cards, do one of the following. Change a card. First by throwing away, and then taking one from the top of the stockpile. Costs nothing to do that, right? Yeah.

Draw a card. Sorry? You can draw one from the top. Yeah. One out, one in. Yeah. Put one or two cards out of hand on the Ab- Ab-

Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab-

Ab- What's that? Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab-

Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab-

Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab-

Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab-

Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab-

Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab-

Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab- Ab-D.D.D.D.D.D. Type, form and abeyance. Forme and abeyance. What the fuck is that? I don't know. So you can put one or two cards on that. You can store them there in the type, form and abeyance. And buy one or two cards for £100 each from the stockpile.

So let's just say you put two cards down in that space. And I can buy more. You can spend... How much, say? I think it only allows you to pick one or two. How many you put down, you can only replace. So you only have three in your hand at one time. Yeah.

Yeah. So far, making sense. You have to buy more if you put them in there. Yeah. So even if you then get a hand, you have to wait to your next turn to get that hand in. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Once cards have been placed in abbeyance, they cannot be moved until they form part of the qualifying set of cards. Type before me in abbeyance. Yeah. So you can't play any of those cards until you have the third one that fills them out. I have to have a set of three? Yeah. Before I play it? Yeah.

Fine. To claim a story advertisement. If the player's got all the three necessary cards, he may claim a story. And then that's when you look at the number on that story, which it tells you. Yeah, okay. So when you get your telephone card for your hand,

that has the number on, which tells you what number to dial I'm reading the rules out I know it's very dry and not very funny But you're just sitting there Vagaring away Vagaring away Right

Christ The three cards may be made up in any of the following As explained in rule four If your favourable decision is obtain with a story editor, you can pick up that card free of charge. But if the decision is unfavourable, he may make up his hand by buying cards from the pack

to make up his loss. So let's just say you hand all three in and the editor says, no, you can't run the story. You lose those three cards and then you have to pay 300. What if I run out of money? Then your game's over

and then we judge who's got the most money based on the stories they have on their page. Okay. Yeah? Yeah? All right. Bankruptcy, funnily enough. If a player becomes bankrupt at any stage of the game,

he must turn over all the copy on his newspaper blank and allow any player... Oh, he can sell his cards, basically. Yeah, it's not the end of the game. So what you said before was wrong. Yeah. Okay. So maybe the game plays until you fill out the whole page

and the first person who fills it out wins. Yes. But we're going to put a time limit. We're going to put a time limit on this. And then that's basically the story, basically. There's a scoop on scoop. That's it. That's the scoop on scoop.

Thank you, Paul. Are we ready? That was dry. But at least you're fucking happy now with the rules, right? Let's dampen this podcast. Wet it up. Let me get my clock out. Pour your jism on me.

Timer. 20 minutes, 25, 30. Oil my crotch. Shut up. How many minutes do you want to play this for? How long? 20. Yeah?

Mate. I've lost it. It's a hot house in here. It is a fucking hot day in the house of pickles. You witter on for fucking hours. Spit something out. Don't come over here. Do not...

Don't stop. Don't whisper. You always complain about the pool. The rules. The rules. And I gave you the rules and you reasonably understand. Alright, okay. Yeah. Go back to your part of the room. Because I'll do damage and I gave you the rules and you reasonably understand alright ok yeah go back

to your part of the room because I'll do damage to you oh really with your knob no would you tear me a new arsehole no in through my belly button

that'd be bad no do you have a ring of razors on your cock crown what I'll do is I'll make you swallow would you cave in my stomach what I'll do is I'll make you swallow oh what you cave in my stomach? What I'll do is I'll make you swallow

the string. Oh, what? Oh, then take it out of my arse. Floss me. Will you floss me like a big flossed pig? No. Floss me like a pig. Paul, let's play Scoop. Let's play Scoop. Yes. Start the clock.

Play Scoop. Yes. Start the clock. Right, here we go. So do you want to go first then? All right. So let's have a look at our hands. Let's have a look at what I've got.

What do I need for my story? You need three of something, yeah? So I either need a general report, a photographer. Okay, so what does... Oh, that's an advertiser's thing. So I've got... I'm going to draw one. Photographer. All right.

Am I going? Yeah, hang on. Photographer. Yeah, all right. I know what I'm going to do you're going to draw one, swap one you've got to put one down first before you pick one up that's the risk, that's the game otherwise you'll know

I'm going to put two down on mine I've got two here it's not your turn wait your turn and watch me do my thing first I'm going to put two down in the aforementioned abbeyans. Mr Grimsdale. And then I pay...

200. Into the bank. Which is over there. I'm just putting it there for now. Right. I'm running the bank, yeah? Yeah. Into the ground.

I've got the funds. Tuppence. Yeah. This is for my cocaine addiction, okay? Right. To be specific in the... And then I pull two. You pull two out.

And that's it. That's your hand. I... How many cards have you got now? Three. I'm going to put down two cards myself. Which cards? My telephone and photographer card. Because it's hanging off the end of the table. My flap is hanging off the table.

Yeah, so how are you going to get it on? How are you going to get your cards on your flap? There we go. Well thought out. My cards are now on the flap. You've got two telephones? No, I don't have... That's a photographer.

They have to match, Paul. They do. No, they don't. It's two of one hand. So I'm putting telephone and photographer down there. Have you put two telephone down? Yeah. You fucking idiot. You don't need to. You don't. It's two of one hand. So I'm putting telephone and photographer down there. Have you put two telephone down? You fucking idiot. You don't need to.

You don't. You need to. I take it back. No, you fucked it. No, I'm not. You fucked it. You fucked it, dickhead. I have not fucked it.

You fucked it, so you can't swap it. That was a mistake you made, and I gave you the rules, and you weren't listening, as I knew you fucking weren't. So now you fucked it. No. You fucked it. Let's stop. You have fucked it.

I'm going to walk out. No, you can't, because you fucked it. I can You've fucked it. Let's stop. You have fucked it. I'm going to walk out. No, you can't, because you've fucked it. I can't continue. Anyway. It's going to cause more problems. I'm going to call, no, you've had your go.

Put your cards back down there. I can't make a hand with these. You can take one out and replace it, though, in your next go. You fucked it. You weren't listening, like I knew,

and I get the last laugh and the first. It's because it was deeply boring. Anyway, I've put two down. I'm paying two. Pay the money. Thank you. I'm paying two to the bank, and I get the last laugh and the first. It's because it was deeply boring. Anyway, I've put two down and I'm paying two Pay the money. Thank you. to the bank

and I'm taking two from the top. I'm just going to nick the money. It goes in there. It goes back in the bank. I am the bank. You can't fucking

give yourself money that I give. You have to put that to four grand. Alright, alright. It's going over there. It's back in the bank. Fucking have you.

Stop, listen. I'm going to fucking have It's back in the bank. Fuck. Stop. Listen. I'm going to fuck you. Don't. Don't. Cheat. Don't crunch the... You're cheating.

Don't crunch the Bombay mix into the floor. Sorry, I don't want to make a mess in the house of pickles. Well, yes. Anyway. I have now got three cards. What have I got? What have I got? What have I got?

What have I got? I've got... Oh, hang on. I've got... Oh, hang on. Right, good. Poker face. That's not a face anyone wants to see.

Is it my go? It is your go. Now you have to make up for your mistake in the last one. So there you go. You're going to have to trade at least one telephone now, aren't you? Because most of the stories that you need need a telephone card. Where's the discard? What do you mean?

There needs to be a discard pile. It's just a pile next to it. Yeah, when you put a card down, you put it next to it. Have you been putting it back on the top? Yeah. I did it by mistake. There's one. Okay, now then.

You fucking useless gobsight. Can I take the discard pile? No, you can't. You were not listening, Mr. Silverman, and I'm going to smack your bottom. Replace one of your cards. You're going to have to, and that's your go. What are these? Yeah. You have to put it back in your go. One of these? Yeah.

You have to put it back in the discard pile, and then pay to replace it. Yeah, go on, put it in the bank. Fucking shut up, this is like fucking not fun at all. Yeah, because you fucked up because you weren't listening. Right, done my go. Good, it's my go now, and guess what? I have, thanks to this card, I have telephone, photographer and star reporter, which means I'm eligible for a three-star story, ladies and gentlemen.

That's what I'm eligible for. But the number on the card I have to dial. Triple star. 634 is the number I have to dial. So let's get the phone out, little cardboard phone. It's been reset to the far right, like the Daily Mail. Am I right, listeners? Here we go.

What number is it? 634, which is... Are you happy with me moving it to that spot on the cardboard thing? I pull the knob. I slide it to 634. You've gone too far. You're cheating.

I haven't. Stuart says gone too far. What does it say? See, that's why you're having the problem because you went too far. Have some precision, Paul, in your movements, yeah? Have some fucking nuance, yeah?

What does it say? It's not on the thing properly. Yes, because you did it wrong. It says, okay. Okay. Your story has been passed for publication. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! So now, I get to pick a triple star story. Now, hmm, hmm. So what are your options? You can get two star stories.

I'm going to get a small one. I'm going to try and do small, small, big star story. You only get one. That's not it. They're there. It says star story on it in green, you twat. Yeah. All right, I'll pick it. Do you want to know what the story's called?

Oh. Rugby player fell asleep during the game. Ken Blizzard, international famous rugby league wing three-quarter, is to believe have been doped in the third round of the Rugby League Cup game. The police think a drug may have been administered while Mr. Blizzard was pushing his way through a crowd of autograph hunters outside his dressing room. He complained of a scratch he received to the wrist.

Blizzard, it will be remembered, collapsed into a deep sleep 20 minutes before the end of the game after completing at halftime after he felt feeling dozy. He was revived after a drink. You really didn't read that very well. It's not fucking story time. That's terrible. What's the point of that? Just a story.

It wasn't a very good one, was it? It's a fictional... Right, shut up. Anyway, now I've got to pay a hundred for a new card, so... Put it in the bank. And I take one from the top. Right?

What about the discard? They're now in there. Right? Alright. Your go. 13 minutes left. Oh, come on. What are you going to do?

Do you have enough to make a hand? Do you have enough to make a hand? You have photographer. You have telephone. You need what? Star reporter. Or crime reporter. I've got a star reporter here.

Have you? Yeah. Well, there you go. You can now throw that down and then trade it in for a story. I don't draw. I just trade it in. No, in your next round

you can now hand that in. But now I need to pull one out. Yeah. So you need to pay £100 for a story. And then draw one. Take a card. Where does the discard?

What goes on the discard? None yet. Because you just have to hold a three in. Because on your next go, you're going to trade that in for a story. Right? Yeah. Good.

My go. What have I got? Oh, dear. So I'm going to put... Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. I'm going to bank that one for now.

Just that one. And I'm going to pay 100 of my dollar pounds This game's still going is it They still manufacture this No they don't I'm taking a card You know why Why

It's a bit dry Paul Is it Right go on moving on Right I'm playing this Right good What's the phone number on On the card On the card the phone number is

231 Let me do it I'll let you do it I'll hold it So I put these on the discard, don't I? Yeah. No, no, not yet. No, yeah, you do.

Because one way or the other, you have to put them down, even if you lose. So what's the number? Come on. 2, 3, 1. 2, 3, 1. Yeah. 2, 3, 1. Here we go.

Ring, ring. A ring, ring. Ring, ring. A ring, ring. Around there, cleanly to 2, 3, 1. Yeah, and then back to its position. Back to the position. Oh, dear. What's it say? Oh, no, that's a three, cleanly to two, three, one. Yeah, and then back to its position. Back to the position. Oh, dear, what's it say?

Oh, no, that's a three star. That's a three star. That's a three star. What's it say on the card? On the card, four three stars. Congratulations. Oh. Your story given three star status.

That's amazing. That means you get the narrow one. Give us it. What's your story? Okay, Paul, the story today, a robot bricklayer builds two-hour house. Okay. A revolutionary building machine, a robot bricklayer, has been successfully tested under conditions of stricter secrecy

on a site in the works yard of the Prem and Constructural Machinery Company, Lawston. This is not being read very well. The mechanic... The mechanic... The machine, automatically fed with bricks from a giant brick magazine, built up the complete brickwork of a standard three-bedroom bay-windowed house in two hours. How long's this story? Because I'm not particularly enamoured with this. It operates on a set of rails laid at a predetermined distance from the wall elevation and following the basic contour of the house.

Moving rapidly along the rails, the machine has a chute down which the bricks are rapidly fed into position. Fucking hell. Mortared, trimmed and definitely tapped into perfect line by a device at the end of the chute. The machine automatically resets itself for the staggering of the brickwork after laying a line of bricks and also adjusts its height as the walls grow. A Bricklayers Union official said today, and Justice Hyde as the walls glow and Bricklayer's

union official said today time alone can test the machine if it may be seen by the and the award for Oscar

goes to right good put it on your page it's on am I doing better than you I don't know yet we'll find out

at the end of the game yeah you put it there right so good I've caught up ladies and gentlemen now you pay £300 to take three cards. Fuck that. No, you have to. That's the game.

There you go. Cool. Take three cards from the top. Okay. There we go. Just for the players at home, I've got a crime reporter card, a general reporter card,

and a telephone card. Okay, in my go, I'm going to take out, I'm going to pay to put these two down. Let's see. I'm going to put phone and general story. I want to see 200 quid going into the bank. They are. They're going into the bank. One, two, a clean, a clean

exchange. Two in, two out. Yeah. Happy? Happy with that? Yeah. Oh! I don't know what the scoop card does oh fuck that's the name of the game

you don't even know that oh god what does the scoop card do we'll find out does it end it with Eli as the winner no scoop cards

these cards are very valuable for the following reason if a player holding a scoop card sees another player in his Abbeyance card, it means he can trade in that card

and take anyone from your pile that you're on show. I don't have any in my abbeyance now, so it's not fucking great for you, is it? Anyway, no. It's bullshit. It is bullshit. Have you paid?

Yep. You saw me put the money on the thing and take two from there, so I've got three cards now. Your go. Okay. Cunt. What the...

Come on. You can do a free trade, remember, if you want to swap one card out. I'm going to do one card. I'm going to swap one card out. Yeah, put one down, pick one up. Excellent. Now, what do I do?

I'm going to... Do I have to pay for that? No. I have three ready to go, so I can trade in. I have photographer, general reporter... Pay the money. ...and telephone.

I'm only interested in watching the transaction of the money. Right, well, I'll do it first. How many cards have I got? So I've got to replace one. So I'm paying one. You have to pay 300. No, when I replace my pack... You're making this up as you go along now.

I've got two cards. I had, in abeyance, two cards there. And I added it in my last round. Yeah, I don't understand There are four Yeah And of course you don't listen And if you listen

Maybe you're doing a little bit better But you're not So I get to trade in So I've got 395 on the phone That I get to dial For a general story Let's dial Let's dial 395

Oh you're going to read the story Ringity ringity ring Extra Your story is excellent It warrants a special edition Receive £200 from each player Give me £200 Ring-a-ding-a-ding. Extra. Your story is excellent. It warrants a special edition. Receive £200 from each player. Give me £200 and I get a general story.

A general story. There we go, this one. Just take the £200 out of the bank. No, it comes from you. Out of the bank. It comes from you. I'm the banker. Give me your £200 now. I just need it.

I'll get up and punch you in the mouth. Whoa! Working in the press is hard. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm fighting for my career. You're the quid now. I'll get up and punch you in the mouth. Whoa. Working in the press is hard. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm fighting for my career. You're the gutter press. Maybe I am.

You're the Nazi press. This is what I'm doing in the Daily Mail. I'm a cutthroat. I'll do what I can. All right? Foreigners are taking your news stories. Right. Right.

You'll go. Wait. No. I have to pay $100 for a news story. Bosh. Now you can go. Wow, you made that all up. I didn't. You weren't listening to the rules.

I'm going to go into abeyance. Okay. Into abeyance. How does that work? It means you pick up two from the pile and you give $200 to the bank, and that's your go, right? $200 in the bank. You put it in there for me, please.

All right. In the bank it goes. Next. Now, what do I do for my one? What have I got here? I'm losing the real star reporter. Shut up, star reporter.

I've got... I need that because I've got one of those. Oh, God. Right, I'm going to trade that in three and pick up a card.

Your go. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. What are you going to do? What's your move? I'm going to just draw one. All right. Take one, what are you going to do? What's your move? I'm going to just draw one.

All right, take one, draw one. Down, up. Right, what have I got? Oh, I've got General. I've got Star Reporter. I've got... I don't know what to do. I've got...

I'm going to take Scoop. I'm going to put Scoop on. I want your telephone card Oh fuck Oh Give me it But you at least Don't have to pay for it

You pay for it Alright Your go It's your go I'm down a card now Yeah I know But you've still got Three in your hand

That's all that matters Is the three in your hand Come on Come on Here we go Princess Come on love He's putting one down

And picking one up ladies and gentlemen now where do I go next I've got that I've got that I'm going to try and put that oh dear put that one down and pick this one up oh dear right it's my go

I've got this advertising please I'm buying advertising ok are you ready here's your card. What advert's going on the News Chronicle? It's, um... What is it?

It's for golden shred marmalade. Oh. It's a... It's a gollywog. It is. It is a toy basedwog. It is. It is a toy based on a horrible ratio stereotype of a person of colour's skin tone. That's a shame. Is that the most delicate way?

Don't look at the price on the back yet. That's got to be secret to the end. All right. So now, see, that should be more on the front page of the Daily Mail. Yeah, well, whatever. Well, there you go. All right. So I've got that. Put your cards on the discard pile

and then pay 300 for... Oh, I have to pay 300, do I? To get three more cards now from the pile. I'm running out of money very fast here. Yeah. So come on, pick up three from there. Can we have a Bombay mix break? No, we're nearly finished.

Come on, pick three cards up. We have four minutes left on the clock. So come on. Who's winning so far? We don't know because of the news stories. Right, so I'm going to trade in. No, I far? We don't know because of the news stories. Right. So I'm going to trade in. No, I'm just going to pick.

Drop that. Pick that. Excellent. Okay. For fuck's sake. What are you going to do? I'm going to drop that. Yeah.

Pick that. Right. I'm going to drop these two and pay for two more. So 200. Put that money in. In the bank. There we go. Right. Take your two. I'm taking me drop these two and pay for two more. So 200. Put that money in. In the bank. There we go. Right, take your two.

I'm taking me two. Next. Drop that. Oh. Pick up that. Right. Okay. I'm going to trade in my three in my hand, right?

Which I have a star reporter, a telephone, and a photographer, which means I can go for another triple star story, ladies and gentlemen. It's 229 on the card. I'm going to ring my editor now. Let me ring them. No, I get to ring them. Let me ring them. 229.

Here we go. Which is there. You agree? No, you have to. I don't want to. 229 all the way over to there. And then back. Sind.

Sind. S-Y-N-D. Stories syndicated receive bonus of £500 from each newspaper. Sind. S-Y-N-D. Stories syndicated receive bonus of £500 from each newspaper. Right. So you can call up the newspaper.

I'm just an editor. I don't pay you. No, I want ring ring hello Eli from the News Chronicle. This story's been syndicated. I need £500 for you.

Well, you have to deal with my lawyers because I'm not fucking paying it. No, but you've got to give me £500. I don't care. You've got to.

What? Who's going to make me? I'm going to care You've got to What who's going to make me I'm going to take a star story anyway Who's going to make Exactly Here's your fucking money It's 500 now Bleeding me dry

500 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Give me it Thank you Now you can run my story Which won't be on your front page Unlike mine Oh

TV set That will pick up the past If a theory now being translated Into the practical form of government TV search Centre proves to be correct Almost the whole Of the history of mankind will be on tap At the pressure of a button and from life

You'll be able to tune in at any period Of history and see delayed TV pick up Some actual incidents in those times Oh it's a time machine TV set That's good, that's the best one so far So that's going on my front page, now it's your time machine TV set that's good that's the best one so far that's good so that's going on my front page now it's your go alright

alright alright oh no they're these ones mine you fucking idiot you are such a stupid dickhead

here we go yeah here we go telephone yeah what have you got telephone I'm putting

hang on I'm putting come on what have you got? Telephone. I'm putting... Hang on. I'm putting... Come on. What have you got? I'm going to put telephone down there. In your abbeyance. One telephone down there. All right, cool.

Then pay £100 for a new story. Scoop card. Ka-ching. Right. My go. What have I got? I've got... I've got that.

I need that. I don't... All right, I'm going to put two down to pay for 200 to have more. Oh, you're not putting them in the abeyance? No. I didn't know you could do that. Yes, you did if you listened to the rules at the beginning. One is a free, but if you put any more than one down,

you have to pay for the stories. So I've got that. I've got that. Oh, shit. Right, your go. Drawing one. Right, good. Right, I'm going to have a look.

Well, I'm going to put These two down in Abience And then pay 200 To have two more cards One, two There we go Oh Oh, it's all over Ladies and gentlemen

Oh Right, what Did you have a hand? Yeah, I've got something In my hand, yeah Do you have enough To trade in for a story? No See, I do And that was going to, yeah. Do you have enough to trade in for a story? No.

See, I do. And that was going to be my go. Well, it doesn't matter. You're not playing it. Oh, I'm not, am I? No, because that is the end. Because I was going to let you have your last story if you wanted one. I don't have a fucking story.

You can't make a story up with any of your cards. Right, okay, then we'll stop. All right, then. You won. Blah, blah. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Let's find out. Let's first of all count our real money

How much we've got left Shut up I have 19 grand How much do you have? It's not 19, you do not have 19 I have 19 of 100's So how much do I have? 1,900 Sorry, I misspoke

I have 1,900 pound here How much do you have? 500 pound Right,. Sorry, I misspoke. I have £1,900 here. How much do you have? £500. Right. Now it's time to look at our news stories, because maybe that will turn the tables. So let's start with your advertisements. How much was your racist advertising? Was worth

a grand. Right, so that makes your total so far £1,500. Okay, right. I will turn over my general story article. And that was worth 400 pounds, which makes my... 2,300. 2,300. Right, next. I've got one more story up here, Paul.

Okay. It is a triple star story about the robot Bricklair. Oh, of course. Amusing. Yeah. And that's five grand. Five grand. So how much in all does that mean you've got?

That is 6,500. 6,500. Now let me just look at my two star stories that I have, the rugby player fell asleep and the TV set time machine thing. Well, that's 1,400 pounds for that and 2,000 for that. So together 3,400 plus that and £2,000 for that. So together, £3,400 plus £2,300, yeah? It was £2,300, £2,400, £2,600, £2,600, £2,400. No.

Yeah? £2,300 plus... I've got £3,800 here and I have £19,000 here. No. £19,000. I've got 3,800 here, and I have 19 here. No. 19. You've got 1,900 plus 1,400, which is 24,400. What? You, look, give me.

I'll count it. Oh, my God, you're pissing me off. I think I've won as well, by the way. No, you haven't won. I think I have, mate. How? I'm having more money than you. You don't.

I fucking do. Look, let's put this 400 aside. No, no, think I have, mate. How? I'm having more money than you. You don't. I fucking do. Look, let's put this 400 aside. No, no, no, no, no. All right. You've got 1,900 in cash. 1,900 plus 400 is what? 2,300, yeah? Yeah.

Plus 2,000 is 4,300. Yes? No. Yes. I'm adding 2,000 to 23,300. Yes? No! Yes! I'm adding 2,000 to 23,000. No, to 2,300, you absolute moronusco! So that means I've added 2,000 to it, right? 2,000 plus 2,000.

Yeah. 4,000 plus 300. 2,300. Yeah? Plus 2,000. No, I've already plussed the 2,300. Yeah. Plus 2,000. No. I've already plussed the 2,000. I'm getting confused with 20,000, and it's only 2,000.

You absolute dickhead. You've lost. I'm so glad. I haven't lost. I can see how much money you have, Paul. And you have less than me. Wait, what? I've got 19.

19, let's say 100. Yeah, let's go in 100. Yeah. Let, what? I've got 19. 19 hundred... Let's say hundreds, yeah? Let's go in hundreds, yeah? Let's just stick with hundreds, yeah? 19 hundred plus 400. 2,300. Plus another 2,000. 2,000, yeah?

Which makes it 4,500. 4,300, yeah? 4,300. Plus another 1,400. Which is 5,000. 600. 800. 5,800.

And then the 400 from here. I've already counted that. No, you haven't, because you gave me this card before you started counting. I have already... You really are infuriating me. So how much have I got in all? I'm going to count one more time, and you're not going to fuck this up. Okay, 19.

23. 43. 57. Yeah. 5,700 That's what you have What do I have? Oh you've got that 5,000 card 5,000

6,500 And the winning scoop I win scoop You lose scoop I love that game Paul It's brilliant I won scoop You thought you were real hot shit Lose scoop. I love that game, Paul. It's brilliant. I won scoop.

You thought you were real hot shit. You knew all the rules, but it's brought you down. And that, frankly, I don't know if you were faking, but that display of numeric, like, you know, disnumerica, or whatever you call it, where you can't count for shit, was really embarrassing for the show and for everyone. And I won. Brilliant, Paul.

It says triple star, mate. The triple star. You should have gone for the triple star when you had the choice. You messed that up, mate. You messed it up. Well, thank you for playing scoop with me. That's okay, Paul. That might be my worst defeat ever.

I won, yeah. You came out of the blue as well. You didn't think you had lost there, did you? You twigged that five grand. Yeah. Boom. That's all I'm saying. Right, is that the end of the show?

Yeah. Well, I'm feeling a bit happier now. Right, well, thank you for listening to Cheap Show once again. If you support us in any way, shape or form, thank you. Me and Keith have been making the rounds show once again if you support us in any way shape or form thank you me and Keith been making the rounds to the Patreon someone genuinely asked will I come there

with Keith with $500 yeah for $500 yeah we can't have that there's a pricing structure yeah no it's $500 well no this is what if they got a whip round and they lived in America you'd have to go whips chains forget it forget it do they pierce my frontal sac forget it What if they got a whip round and they lived in America? You'd have to go. Whips? Chains? Forget it. Forget it.

Do they pierce my scrotal sack? Forget it. Thank you to those who support us on Patreon. If you give a little or a lot, we love you. We love you so much. If you give a certain amount, which I'm not going to say, I'll come round and I'll oil Keith up. By the way, Keith's report, I think he got a bit damp, so he's gone a bit niffy.

You've got to stop the house of pickles. He's picking up the niff, yeah. There's more death in this room than there was before. Great. Charming. Anyway, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and help us if you want. And if you don't want to give on Patreon, that's also fine. We really appreciate it.

I appreciate it. Personally, thank you. But if you want to help us in any other way, share, rate, review on iTunes, tell the world about us, Twitter, you can get to us on Twitter. Do you think if you poured to help us in any other way share, rate, review on iTunes tell the world about us, Twitter you can get to us on Twitter if you poured cider through my beard and then put it into a jar Eli's Hairy Cider

right so you can go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk where pictures and videos that accompany each episode can be found with the episode themselves, have a look around there Twitter at thecheap Show Pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. Eli is...

Eli Snoyd. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. We have a Facebook page, too. Just look for Cheap Show. And Reddit, forward slash R, forward slash Cheap Show. Have a chat. We're quite chatty on the social medias. And if you want to email us, tell us on the shop floor or anything else you fancy.

Noodles. Noodles on the Reddit. Thecheapshow at gmail.com. I'm giving salient information, Eli. And I wish your facile little, stupid little reviews and moments and comments and asides. We'll just can it when I'm actually trying to do something important. You don't talk right. I'm going to give you a punch.

No, you lost. Goodbye. That was a Cheap Show episode. Goodbye. Thank you. Goodbye. Don't look so fucking smug. Look at you.

You look so happy. I won. I won the scoop without even trying. That's my main thing in life. Yeah, you don't try. Well, I don't try and I still win anyway. I fucking hate you. This show's over.