CheapShow - Ep 79: A Very Brown Snack

Episode Date: June 8, 2018

Yup. It's another CheapShow. You love it. Same old, same old! Ask Silverman? Check! Price of Shite? Check! League of Snacks? Check! Paul & Eli hurling insults back and forth, with verbal violence and threats of something worse lurking in the shadows? Check! Along the way they rant about mixtapes, hipsters, hot nuts, sexy lady pictures, recordable paper and Eli has even promised a "mindblowing" edition of Price of Shite... But has he? Paul isn't impressed. Or even knows what is going on! Typical. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

What? Have we started? I can see we have. Go on. Right. So? No, don't. Fuck off.

Just do your intro. I'm not going to say anything. It's so childish, Paul. What am I doing? I'm not going to describe it. Do your intro. Oh, you're always doing your intro, Paul. Just do your intro. I'm not going to describe it. Do your intro. Oh, you're always doing your intro. Just do your intro.

I'm not doing anything. Don't do that. He's making rude gestures at me, ladies and gentlemen. I grow up. I'm not. He's such a fucking child. Okay. Hello.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. It's Cheap Show again. I'm Eli Silverman I've come all the way here to Cambro-ro-ro Camboa-ro Camber-bro Camberwell Sands Camber-ro

What are you fucking talking about? To do Cheap Show And here is the co-host of the show It's Paul No Real Empathy Gannon. What do you mean, No Real Empathy? You heard me. What does that even mean? Exactly.

Let's do it again. From the top, darlings. From the top. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time again for Cheap Show. Here I am. I'm Eli Silverman. I'm in Cambridge to do some Cheap Showing. Oh, great.

It's fantastic. Here is Paul, Lack of of real empathy Gannon. And he's the other guy, I don't know what else to say. And he's been trying to put me off. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the Dance Floor. How's the Bitcoin?

The Price of Shite. It's a tall gun and saying hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show. Then I go and I nuzzle. Yeah. Right. I need to think of a new gimmick about how to start these episodes, because I'm getting a bit bored of the whole...

You know what? Oh, Eli's thing, and he's just doing... Yeah. And he's doing the intro, and I'm trying to put you off, and I think we've done that for about 20-odd episodes now. We've done it for a fucking eternity, it feels like, Paul. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, mate. It feels like I've been doing that my whole life.

I'm sorry. Sometimes I have nightmares where I'm trying to do the intro and you're being a cunt. Are you? Yeah. Oh, I'm like a nightmare man for you now. Well, yep. It's like you're standing in front of a room full of important business people

and you're trying to do a big sell, right? And then in your dream, you're standing there and you go, ladies and gentlemen and you hear me go in the back of the room no it's more like there's someone you know my teacher's giving me a blow job or something male teacher female teacher i'll leave that to your imagination paul i choose it to be a male teacher of course you do i do yeah you do. I do. Yeah, a nice, nice, lovely man called Mr. Smimkins. Mr. Smimkins. Don't.

There's too many characters. On the show? Yeah, we're not having another one. We won't do Mr. Smimkins. Jimmy Biscuits, which was just the end. It's the end of literature. Jimmy Biscuits is the end of culture as we know it oh no jimmy biscuits was fun no there's been a lot of positive feedback on jimmy biscuits also jimmy

sounds exactly like that guy kapinski from that other episode doesn't he they are closely related they may be brothers but one changed their name in marriage paul it's just bored me i just didn't even hear anything that you said there. Paul, tell us what's coming up on the show today. Do you even know? 79. Thank you. What's a 79? Like you're having a blowjob and then someone shits in your eye.

No! It's not that at all. Grow up. Episode 79 has on it an intro. We're doing that. We in it it's happening uh following that we have ask silverman we've had a few of those so i thought we'd do a few more of ask silverman okay i'm here to be asked um we're also doing a price of shite you've arranged that today i think you're gonna love it paul i'm looking forward to that and then oh you're also in charge

of the league of Snacks today, where we obviously go through the League of Snacks. And crisps. And crisps. And we rate them. And we rate them. There's been some controversy. I've had a little burglary whispered in my ear.

Some things that displeased him. Shall we deal with that in the segment later? We'll deal with that when that comes up in the segment, which is the League of Snacks. And then we end. So that's what's coming up on the show today in another wonderful, sexy, the Bose witty.

You're going to have to pull, you're going to have to sort it out. Your mouth, your mouth parts are flapping. Just, just calm the thoughts, put the bad thoughts back in the basket and hang the basket outside in the conservatory where the crows can peck at them

and then calm down. I might be a psychopath. Good. Do you think? I'm glad you're admitting this so that we have this recorded so when I end up... This segment's over.

Okay. We got the sniffles. We both got the sniffles. We got the sniffles, got the sniffles. Oh, we got the sniff, we got the sniffles. No. Sniffles. Not listening.

Sniffles. Not everything is a song. It might be. We might have an album. No. We might achieve your album. We can't just you you i hate you i hate you i hate when you do this what let's not do a song how about that i got the

sniffles sniffles sniffles all right that's the chorus oh well i woke up in the morning and i had hay fever i didn't know what to do. I had sniffles in my nose. I had itchy eyes and I wanted to say achoo. I got the sniffle, sniffle, sniffle, sniffle. That's different now. You're doing a different chorus because you can't remember that. When I play it back later, when some clever person online mixes it into a hip-hop.

You can't just expect that to happen. Well, I'm going to presume now. Already the quality's half from Ghibli Woo. Ghibli Woo might be my masterpiece. And it's Ghibli Woo. Oh, who the fuck cares? Me. It's important for branding.

I got the Ghibli Woo. No, please don't sing that. Please don't sing that. We can be like the Goodies. You know when they used to go on Top of the Pops because they released Funky Gibbon? And then three men in their mid-30s had to go on TV on Top of the Pops because they released Funky Gibbon? And then three men in their mid-30s had to go on TV on Top of the Pops

and do a song called Funky Gibbon. So we're too old already. Oh shit, we are. Yeah. We're the age that the Goodies were when their careers started to falter. We're the Goodies in the 80s. Yeah.

When they moved to ITV. Yeah. Oh. Goodies. Goodie, goodie, yum, yum. And apparently Bill Oddie, very bad feet. Moving on. All right.

Allegedly. What are you looking at? It's Ask Silverman. It is Ask Silverman. Ask me, man. I'm just mentally understimulated and bunged up. I got the woo, woo, woo. No, this is why.

This is what I mean. Take the hint. When I say mentally undistimulated, it means this fucking vacuous noise, this vacuous song noise, which isn't really content, Paul. It's not content. It's not, you're not, you just...

Right, so here is the... Ask fucking Silverman. Here is the first Ask Silverman. Now, before I did it from the bottom to the top, and I'm going to do it from the top to the bottom, so some of the newer ones will get mentioned and I don't get lost in the fog. So we're going to start with this one by Peter Ballard 13 on Twitter.

He asks, Mr. Silverman, given a choice, would it be vinyl or sex to give up for life? Right, okay. So this is ridiculous. Right. It's just a hypothetical. How would I give up vinyl? I never listen to a record. I can't touch another record.

Yeah, they disappear from your existence. Would I know that they had been there? Or was it like the Twilight Zone where I can't even remember? They'd gone from the world. I think they'd gone from the world. Are they? I mean, everyone would suffer on the planet. No, that wouldn't.

And maybe you get a ban. Maybe you're not allowed to. Well, how would I make any money from DJing? Computers? So it's not a ban. I don't like this. No, but this is the quandary he's asking what would you rather

live without look they're two different categories of fucking thing aren't they it's like saying would you like to never eat jam again

or you know your mum dies or something like that yeah that one that's the example I was thinking of it's something like that it's like never ride

a train again or be unable to say the letter I or something okay well it's fucking like never wear headphones again or be unable to say the letter I or something. Okay, well... It's fucking like, never wear headphones again or suffer from terrible dick cheese. It's po... Infection.

Yeah, right, okay. Dick cottage dick infection. Dick cottage dick infection. What's that even mean? Who's this guy? Peter Butler. I don't want to answer it. It's impossible.

I want sex. And I also... You know? And I also love vinyl. What could you do without? Could you live in a life without sex or live in a life without vinyl? Paul, we both know.

I have been living a life without sex for the last four years. So basically, you are living the answer. Yeah. Thanks, cunt, whatever he's called. Fuck's sake. That was terrible,

asked Silverman. All right, well, here's... Let me examine my life and, like, feel bad about it. Is that what this fucking show's about? Yeah, apparently, increasingly so. The next one is from Goggs

at ElectroGog. He asks, what's worse, airport one-ply bog roll or the type where one side is like sandpaper and the other side is frictionless? Now, I've never encountered the second. I've never. That sounds like copy paper or something.

Maybe he has been wiping his ass with sandpaper. That's bizarre. I've never had toilet paper like that. Interesting question, though, Goggs. Thank you. Not that much of an interesting question. It was better than the fucking last one. That's for fucking sure, Paul.

Because it's introspective you don't like that Eli are you a sad cunt the answer is yes thank you so Paul I remember

I'm old enough to remember when you used to go to public toilets in London no that's not a good way to start this

you know you'd end up in some council run place and they used to have toilet paper that was like tracing paper, yeah? Yes. But it used to have printed on each sheet

property of the council or something like that. It had a little thing on each sheet was printed in blue. Yeah, or something. It was really bad. So when you went round to barrels down the road.

Have you ever had to use that? It was a traumatic experience as a child. It's literally just sharp. Your best bet is to like fold it a few times so you've got a scraper and then literally squeegee the shit off the ring. You can do that. Like a scraper.

You don't have to say anything else. So that was bad. Is that what he means? He's just saying what's worse. I don't understand Goggs' definition. What's the first one? Airport paper thin. Yeah. That's not great. But you can always wad it, can't you?

You can always wad it. You can build up many layers. That's what I would do. If I think it's a bit thin, I would, you know. When it comes to bottom wiping, how many ply are you? I'm a four ply. I go for a good four ply. You don't want to have a fucking finger incident, do you?

That's a terrible thing. Yeah. Because then you've got two a terrible thing. Yeah. Because then you've got two issues to clean. Yeah. You don't want to do, my dad's, one

of my dad's favourite jokes was how the campers wipe their ass. Go on. A good way to wipe your ass when you're camping or something.

Oh, you put your finger through the middle. And then you scoop it all out. And then you wipe it as you pull the thing.

Dirty. Well, apparently they do teach people to do that. Really? In the army, you want to say? Toirty. Well, apparently they do teach people to do that. Really? In the army, you want to say? To use one sheet. Because they used to use leaves or something.

Your finger's not going to get clean. No. You know what? What if you're like me and you bite your fingernails? We haven't covered bum wiping on this show before. Good. Good. So what's the first?

Sorry. So he says paper thin or the imaginary one you seem to have made up and no one knows about, which has a shiny one side and scrappy the other. I think he's built up an idea where you've got to use this paper which is a bit like sandpaper on one side

because it's frictionless on the other. You've got no purchase. Yeah, but I've never come across this. No, but maybe he's invented it. No, mate. Oh, that's too low.

Joke about come across something. No, but when you criticise me for my level of humour then you deliver dingers like that dingers dingers hum dingers

hum dingers but not it doesn't got a hum it would if you stuck your finger through it just say one ply no say the other one just say the answer

I would say the first one because I've not come across and it sounds like a nightmare all right so what's worse the one that exists yeah yeah

all right okay no the one that doesn't exist is worse i think you'll like this next question though without any irony without any kind of undercutting of a joke this is i think you'll generally like this question this is from i think it's called pat the moose on twitter and asks um eli if the house of pickles was on fire and you could only grab five vinyls to survive the flames. Which would you grab? Now I know it's a terrible situation to imagine. You sitting in a bed, room on fire. It's so hard to answer this, Paul.

You wake up and, fire! Because you had a fire two doors down across the way from you, didn't you? Don't talk about that. So, you know, imagine if it spread in the House of Pick. This is a very important question. I don't know what. And I'm there,

celibate. Celibate? What does that mean? Well, I'm just trying to build a picture up from the first fucking insulting question. We don't need to know about your status. So this is coming to pass, the first question now, is it?

And what I'm saying is... So the first question is, would you rather I never have sex or never have vinyl? And now my house burns down and vinyl's gone. I'm already not having sex. And I'm what?

What happens to me then, Paul? Where am I then, Paul? Who would I turn to then? You come stay with me, love. I'll look after you. So, how am I to answer this? What, my most treasured vinyls? Okay, so let's go through.

My most treasured vinyls. You wake up, you're in the bed, fire. You go, I'm going to save five. You look around the room, where do you go? I probably wouldn't have time to do this at all. I'd be getting out. All the vinyl's gone, baby. Alright, but let's just say... Is it

my vinyl that's worth the most money? Or the most emotionally to you? The thing is, the reality of this situation is, I wouldn't be able to locate these records within a few minutes. I'd need at least two hours. I know. If not more.

If not more. See, whoever asked this has no real appreciation of what a record collection actually is. What are they called? Cunts, all cunts, Paul. Pat the Moose asked this. Well, exactly. They just want to know what five vinyls you value.

I know what they want, Paul. I know what they want. So, favoured vinyl, exactly. They just want to know what five vinyls you value. I know what they want, Paul. I know what they want. So, Favourite Vinyl, yeah. So, I love that BBC Music for Schools record I have that has the Radio Phonic band. Yeah. I'll probably grab that. Okay, I'm answering the fucking question.

I know. This is interesting. I can't think of any others um what else you don't have an album that you think of and go oh that means a lot to me i'll grab that i have several that's the thing it's just if you collect records for years and years and years or anything yeah the likelihood you'd have one favored one or anything out of the whole bunch because diminishes because you because it's just so many. So many records.

Yeah, I know. So it becomes a miasma of just choice. It's just like I've got all different labels mostly on 45. So when you talk about saving five records

you're saving 10 songs. Alright, okay. So let's do it this way. Do you know what I mean? Save one album and you know exactly where it is. That album I'd probably take. For sentimental value

because it was one of my loveliest digs. Yeah. So let's just say... BBC Music for Schools, yeah? Really, that would be the one you'd save? One of them, yeah. I love it. Okay.

Interesting. Have we played that on the show? Yeah, maybe not. Let's do that next time. Anyway, it's a... Oh, I can find it and put it in the episode now. It's a BBC for Schools episode. Yeah.

No, you wouldn't be able to find it. Oh. I bet you wouldn't be able to find it. Fine. Well, then we'll have to put it... It's a school's record. Movement, mime and music. It has these exercises with spoken word. A bit like that Open University

record we had. Well, no, I used... Oh, yeah. Like the one we had where it was... Paul's a very dirty boy. Oh, fat baby Paul. Kill the Paul. Yeah, it's like that. We nail the Paul soft head

to the board. I don't know if they do that now, but I remember in school going into this. Squeeze the Paul. Right, okay, well, I was trying to make

a salient point there. What? Shut up. Being in school and doing movements and music. Like, it wasn't on vinyl, it was on a cassette.

Yes. But I do remember that happening. They played it, yeah. So that's what this is. And so the first side is all sort of bits of classical music and little exercises yeah but then it has a radiophonic band on the second side which is the bbc radiophonic workshop yeah it's got classic delia derbyshire ones and like it's got about eight of them and they are freaky let's cover that in a future episode all right yes so i would grab that even though it

cost me a quid in a charity shop and it's in terrible condition. And in mint would only probably be worth 40 or 50 quid. Something in that range. Well, there you go. We got an interesting answer finally out of you on that. So Aaron, he asks at Syar, S-Y-A-R. Anyway, Aaron.

Whatever, mate. He asks. Don't insult him before we hear the shit question man alright here's the shit question sorry Aaron as you are and rightly so

the king of noodles oh fuck's sake Aaron there we go have you ever attempted to make them from scratch yourself if so how do they turn out

hmm oh here we fucking go now he's on don't do that. Well. No, don't start. No, let's not bring back anything you do. Let's just me do.

Okay. No. The answer's no, I haven't. I would love to give it a go, but it is quite work intensive. You've seen people doing it. You have to do the dough. You have to do an egg and you mix it up.

And then they do that thing. Well, the Japanese way of doing it. They drape it. And they continue seen people doing it. You have to do the dough. Flour and egg and you mix it up. And then they do that thing. Well, the Japanese way of doing it. They drape it. And they continue to drape it and recombine until it's crazy. Have you seen them doing it?

Yeah, yeah. It's mad, isn't it? I've seen YouTube videos. Yes. I think there are some restaurants like Tonkotsu, which is a British

ramen chain that do have a central place where they make their own noodles. Right. Next question. Thank you, Aaron. The answer's no.

I want to do a few. Gloomunism says hello. At Sex with Sun Ra, she asks this question. I presume it's a she. I don't know. It might be a he. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I know you don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know I know you don't know I know you don't know I know you don't know I know you don't know No we all know you don't know I know you don't know

I know you don't know Look stop They're not going to do a song with that Yeah I got the sniffly woof No don't put the sniffly woofs That would be good

That would be good We'll think about that later Right Anyway Gloomianism asks You're making a mixtape for a lover, but you've come over...

Come on! You've come over... I'm coming! I've come up you! But you've come over all hipster. Oh, yeah. Which redundant audio format do you record this mixtape onto?

Recordable paper. Paper. Oh, that's not a bad one, though. That's actually really... Yes, because we were just... recordable paper. Oh, that's not a bad one, though. That's actually really... Yes, because we were just... It's funny what she called Murphy Swamp. Where did you get that from?

I don't know. It bubbled up. Gloomianism. Gloomianism. Murphy Swamp. It'd be better if she was called Murphy. We don't even know

what the gender of this thing is. And I don't care. Okay. What was the question? Sorry. What redundant audio format would you record a mixtape on for a lover?

Now, me and Paul have been fans of a YouTube channel, Techmo. Yes, big fans. And he does little, very dry, but informative videos about technology of yesteryear. And one of the ones he covered

was recordable paper, which is taper-backed with magnetic tape. And then you have a special thing that reads it in a spiral. It moves in a spiral at the back of the paper in a similar way to vinyl.

Very ingenious. I'll put a link on our website to that episode because that's interesting, that one. Now, that would be a hipster thing. If you got that out in a fucking independent coffee shop and started putting

bits of paper on, you know what I mean? Oh! Can you imagine how hipster that would be? I'm going to play Travis, Why Does It Always Rain On Me.

That would hurt. But, you know, it's something like a sound burger. Yeah, but that's just the player, isn't it? It's a record player. But anyone who actually

takes a portable record player out to listen personally, hipsters, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, to listen personally. Hipsters. Hipsters, yeah. We've linked it. I would personally use Minidisc.

That's my... But Minidisc is... Cool. Yeah. I like it. It is actually universally respected, isn't it, by everyone who's ever used it. So it's a great format. The sound quality was better than CD, was it?

I think so. I mean, I don't know all the details, but guess what? There's a brilliant video on Tecmo and all about it and appreciation of mini-discs. There's lovely little mini-disc players as well. The portable ones. I've got a really nice one. I've got a high HD mini-disc player.

Do you know what the problem is? I know this is getting a bit too dry, but... No, no, go on. Oh, it's drying out. Yeah, go on. This whole podcast is running ashore into the dry, but... No, no, go on. Oh, it's drying out. Yeah, go on. This whole podcast is running ashore into the dry ground. All right, well, go on. Minidisc.

The problem was they never released anything on the format, did they? They didn't bring out new records. So they might have tried it, but it never kind of caught on. They wanted it to. I have a few albums on Minidisc. They were actually released as a physical. Yeah, I have Forrest Gump. I have a Ben Folds 5 album.

Forrest Gump. The soundtrack, yeah. Yeah, and what, Ben Folds 5 album. Forrest Gump. The soundtrack, yeah. Yeah, and what, Ben Folds 5 album. Now we're beginning to see why it failed. I had a Jamiroquai. Exactly. This is just getting worse. I had...

Jamiroquai is who you go to to sound hip, is it? You are a sad, sad Middle Englander. Right, next question. Last question, actually. Okay, we'll do this one. Okay, so Jaws 19. Hello. Hello, Jaws 19.

They have a YouTube channel, I believe. Reference to Back to the Future 2. Yeah. Who directed Jaws 19? Max. Max Spielberg. Yeah, because... It's John Landis' son is called Max as well. Yeah, Max Landis. Yeah. Because it's John Landis' son

is called Max as well. Yeah, Max Landis. He is a furious dickhead. I wonder if they're each other's godfathers or something. Because they knew each other, didn't they, Landis? Well, maybe.

Directors don't have much of an imagination when it comes to naming their kids. What do we call the new child, Stephen? I'm directing a movie. Oh. Max. Call him Max. Because Jimmy Biscuit's directing the movie.

One voice Paul. Jaws 19 asks, what kind of cheap show merch would you be most horrified to have your face emblazoned upon?

Okay. Good question. Max. Maxie. Max O'Boy. He's not called Max. Oh, is he? No.

What's he called? Jemima Swamp Gas just answer the question now fuck it now well Jemima what's the question I don't know it's been a long weekend

for me Paul what kind of cheap show merch would you hate to have your face on now I remember the question yeah because I just told you it dildo right great answer great answer.

Great answer. Is that it? Yeah, that's it. That I would be mortified. I mean, come on. A huge, great, big, black mambo. Oh, God. With your face right on the front.

The massive wobbly ones. They're the worst. My ex, we were at this rave, right? Yeah. And my ex had one of those on because she was helping one of her friends with an art installation performance. That's what they called it.

And she was wearing this huge black rubber fucking thing. Fildo. Yeah, and she kept going around while we were all sort of just trying to be drunk and sort of, you know, have a nice time, rubbing it in people's faces. And everyone was like, get the fuck away. Get that dong out of my face

yeah yeah yeah just one of the litany of things that fucking person would do this is not therapy no

this is not therapy there you go that's the end it's the end of the segment oh good you gonna say something about slapping slap me with a big dildo.

It is time for the price of shite. Because it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. That is right. Okay, now we've got... I'm going to basically, as discussed, because there's a bit of a war brewing about the rules and all of this stuff.

So, I just thought... I've restrained myself, Paul. Restrained myself from just shitting in a bucket, bringing it here and just fucking flinging it at you. Right. I've restrained myself, yeah? I think what I did was... The poo tie. The poo tie

the poo tie will not be remembered. Will be forgotten. Won't be... I'm getting the fucking cannons. The poo tie will not be forgotten nor forgiven. And I'm going to build a great big statue to the poo tie in my run.

And I'll salute it. And I'll fucking claim provenance over you. Get on with the fucking show. Right, we've got a very special price of shite today, Paul, for you. How are the rules looking for this? We're going back to the basic format. There are four items.

Four? And there's a little story. There is a little story. So one of these items, I will tell you now. So we're just tweaking it a bit. Yeah. Just to give it a bit of interest. Give it a bit of sparkle.

No, I like that. Give it a bit of spice, yeah? Yeah. Give it a bit of a chive and yogurt poultice, slapped right up the arse, and then kept on with some kind of nappy. Yeah. Chive and yogurt poultice.

Right. Yeah. But it and yogurt polties. Right. Yeah. But it is the basic format. So that means you must guess within... 25p each way. ...for a point. Spot on. Two points if you're spot on.

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Agreeable terms, Mr. Silverman. Now, you could really get this. You could. Okay. I'm just telling you that now.

So, first item, yeah? Yeah. Say what you see Paul well I see what looks like a sports drinking bottle and it's been designed so you can put your hand

in it like like it's a like it's a knuckle duster you can stick your hand through the middle like a knuckle duster and the little or a donut

or a donut or like a baby a baby bottle or a baby bottle do they have baby bottles with a hole in I think they do to grab I don't see why not.

What kind of sport do you think this would be useful for? Running. You won't drop it. But what's the capacity? It doesn't look like you could keep much water in there. No. It looks like you could keep

maybe a cup of teas worth liquid in there. It looks like it's a branded thing because there's a logo on the side that says Sozali Sports. I don't know if that's a make of a drink or a make of a company. That must be the make of the people who made the bottle.

But it's got a nice grip in it, doesn't it? You could have two. It's a donut shaped with a grip like a bicycle grip on the inside. And it's definitely made for running and using. And it's got a little thing. What type of lid has it got, Paul? I don't know why you describe it. It's one of those little suppy lids that you pop up and then sup from.

You can squirt out. Close on. Yes. How would you describe that? There's no words in English for what that lid is. It always reminds me of the top of a washing up liquid bottle. Even though it's not. You pull up on the nozzle.

You pull up on the shaft. Yeah. And then you jack it. You squirt the hot, hot sports fluid into your fucking garment. Yeah. Like that. Squirt, squirt, squirt. And if you're jogging down the road with it.

It's aerodynamic. And then someone on the street goes, Oi, jog a wanker. You can run over them. Punch them. Fucking in the face. Like knuckle dusters, you're saying. But it wouldn't, no no because that wouldn't hurt

it would hurt less than your fist because it would be if it's full of water or juice you think that would give someone a good wallop

I wouldn't want to be hit in the face with this fucking hell you got violent all of a sudden pass it over wallop fuck off

right my grippy sports drink bottle that looks like it was probably a free item or some kind of promotional item do you like it was probably a free item yeah or some kind of promotional item

do you think it has got a flattened bottom so so it can stand up I mean it could it's multifaceted it could be used for many things pretend it was a trumpet

you could make a shove up your arse couldn't you you could I mean you could stick you can't squeeze it though you know you can't squeeze fluid out of it

there's no squeeze it has no give so you couldn't stick up stick. You can't squeeze it, though. You know, you can't squeeze fluid out of it. There's no squeeze. It has no give. So you couldn't stick it up your arse and then squeeze it. Well, you wouldn't want it, because you might get a sort of air bubble travelling up to your heart. That's not going to happen. It's not going to happen.

You could also take heroin. Yeah. Yeah, you could. So I need a prize from you, Paul. Stop whinnying. I would like a prize for the specialist sports water bottle. Can I ask where you got it? Is that...

I got them all from the same shop. This is the story that you have to uncover. Oh, so you went to a shop. It's like a locker of mystery. Ooh. So you went into a shop. One of these items is zero. Oh.

One of these items is zero. Now, I'll let you guess a prize for each item. Then we can go back at the end and you can see where you want to appoint the zero. What I was going to say, can I see all four first? This bottle is shaped like a zero. It is a donut shape. Could you turn your phone off

when we're trying to fucking do a show, yeah? Sorry, mate. Don't read the text. Put it on silent. I'm fucking insulted. Oh my God, she's pregnant. Wow. Paul Gannon, everybody. i've got a donkey pregnant

fucks i've got a donkey that's good the best yeah he saved you there man yeah okay uh, thank you. I've got to say, for the rules, can I ask for amend? Can I see all four first and then price them? No, I'd like a first price. Oh, God. You need to have a price and give me a price. Because the thing is, if there's a story to this, then maybe I can guess which one will cost you nothing based on the...

You win if you get the zero right. Okay, well, in that case, I'm going to say that zero. This one was zero. For the time being, if I can amend... No, I want a price for each one. Yeah. An actual price in the actual... Zero is a price?

No. A price that is some money more than zero. Okay. For each one. Right. Then you appoint the zero at the end. Okay. So I'm going to say that was probably around 75p.

75p? Yeah. 75p? As it stands right now. Donut-shaped sports utility bottle with yellow nozzle. 75p. Are you ready for your next item? Am I ever.

Here's your next item, Paul. This is crazy, Tam. This is a I've got to say what I see it's a pencil sharpener but it's no ordinary pencil sharpener Paul

have you just got really small hands or is that pencil sharpener big oh is that pencil sharpener close to me or am I really far away

oh have I got something shoved up my arse right you need to in this episode, you've put a lot of things up your arse. I had some curry.

Right, moving on. Moving on. It's a giant pencil sharpener, ladies and gentlemen. But it's also a potato peeler. Yes, or a mandolin, as they call it. So I reckon it's a veg sharpener. Isn't the mandolin your, like, banjo? It's a ukulele.

What? Ukulele's a ukulele no I mean the bit on your penis that joins the helmet what are you fucking talking about you know that's called a mandolin

isn't it no I don't she was twanging my mandolin by like a broom shut up now fucking hell

I think it's a veg sharpener yes I think you put a carrot in there or something and twist it. That is it, man, isn't it? But it is designed to look exactly like an oldie school days pencil sharpener. I like it.

Fucking lovely item, isn't it? Lovely item. So it's got a potato peeler built into the front and also, like you say, something for sharpening carrots or other root vegetables of that nature. I'm going to say that was a pound. A pound for that, yeah. A pound for the potato peeler.

Now, this is an interesting item to me because it's something that looks like something else that has a similar function, though. It's not just something that looks like something else that is completely different. Like, for example, the famed red apple post-it note dispenser that looks like a red apple, but it dispenses post-its so it has nothing to do with the thing that it looks like this is a slightly more subtle isn't

it it's subtle and it it uses its form as an advantage it's a good bit of design isn't it really we are impressed i like things that look like things that aren't other things yes and this is a special subcategory because it's a thing that looks like a thing that is a similar thing to the thing but not exactly the same thing. And it's a practical thing because sometimes when it's an other thing it doesn't have a use. It's just is that other thing for purely aesthetical versions. It's weird. The functions of these two things have sort of merged

into this thing. Mega thing. Uber thing. Mega thing. Oog like mega thing. Don't start. Listen. It didn't warrant oog. Paul is looking disappointed that I don't start listen it didn't warrant Oog Paul is looking disappointed I don't want to play

the fucking caveman game right now okay so that's your second item and your guess is one pound now we're going to move on remember

we're going to come back and we're going to have a little a little summary of all the items at the end Paul and then you will tell me the story

the story of the shite Oog like game fuck off right it's time for you or third item you will tell me the story. The story of the shite. Ugg-like game. Fuck off. Right. It's time for you, or third item. Say what you see, Paul. Say what you see. Oh. It's... Fuck knows.

It's basically when you go to a machine and put 50p in it and a knob and an egg comes out. It's one of those. Right? But this egg's got legs on. And it's mucky as fuck. So I'm not going to touch it anymore. No, it's not. There are no poo-poo items today.

Or street items. What have we done? I promise you there is none. What have we done to this show? Well, I don't know. I promise you. We need a better description. It is like an egg-shaped object. It's a hollow plastic egg. Yes, but look here. Look here, Paul.

It's got two little dots on the edge. They are holes. Yeah, do you know why? Why? In case you swallow it, you don't die. No, no. No, no, no.

They must have some kind of purpose. I thought maybe it's a... Salt shaker. Salt shaker? No. Because if it was, it'd be near the top. These holes are at the side.

Perhaps you put nice smellies inside the egg. And look, there's like little metal bits. So it's like magnet or something. Is it a magnet? Try it on the oversized potato. Wait, there is a thing on the foot. I'm going to try and read it in the light. Okay.

What does it say, Paul? Something Italy. It might be a number and then the word Italy. Well, it does remind me a bit of Alessi. It says Alessi Italy. So it's an Alessi item. It's an Alessi item. So you might be right.

Then it might be a very pretentious salt or pepper shaker. Okay. Or maybe it's like a garlic, one of those things you put a garlic in and shake it and then it comes apart in there? No. There are other ways you can do that. We can find out online. But for now, it's a funny...

It's quite a pleasing design on that, don't you think? It's a curio. It's a cutie. Little thing. Okay, so that's your third item. And I would like a price for it now, please. 45p. Okay, 45p.

Yeah. Now, it's time for the final item, Paul. Very mucky. I mean, you know, I do... Since we started playing this game way back in the year dot, I rub my nuts on it. I mean, that's just something I do for, like, superstition. I have to hold them close to my sweaty gonad region

and sweat my dirty nut sweat all over it. So you've been eating my nut sweat for years anyway. But, Pooh, that's a different... Fourth item, please, Mr. Witt. Pencils. Right, good. Pencils. Now... good. Pencils. Now, there are three pencils there.

Two red ones, one of those, and one is yellow and black. Yeah, one is the classic kind of in-school pen. Oh, what is this one? Art pencil. It's an art pencil, Paul. Does it have NB? The other two are the sort of school pencils

where they have an eraser or rubber stuck to the end. Now, I always like the red tip. I bought all those. You like the red tip? I like the red tip of these yellow and black pencils. It reminds you of a dog's penis. Yeah. And that reminds you of dinner.

It reminds me of Mr. Donkey. Not Mr. No Mr. or anything like that. Where does Mr. Donkey fucking live? Mr. Donkey lives in St. Albans. It's a good biographical detail, but... Thank you. I won a prize for the three pencils.

Mr. Donkey didn't use protection. Oh, Mr. Donkey. I bought those as a job lot. So you wanted the pencils. I want a price for the pencils. So let's just recap. For the donut-shaped utility sports bottle. I didn't price those yet.

I'm going to say 30p for the pencils. So let's now recap. Yeah. For the utility-shaped sports bottle. Yeah. Yeah. You said... I said 75p.

75p. For the star item, I think we both could agree today. Yeah. The potato pencil. you said I said 75p 75p 4 the star item I think we both could agree today yeah the potato pencil the pencil sharpener

facsimile potato peeler carrot sharpener or whatever and mandolin not mandolin it's just a blade that's a mandolin there

it's a slicer potatoes get on with it peeler move on it's a potato peeler isn't it it is a potato peeler a quid it? It is a potato peeler.

A quid, did you say? I said a quid. On the news. Third item, the Alessi thing, which we're not quite sure of the purpose of, but it's a little item for the kitchen probably because that's what they do. Yeah. And it has little legs on it. You said 45p.

Yeah. And lastly, job lot. Pencils. Three pencils. Who wants pencils? Yeah. Shove them up your ass right

you can clean your meters out smell my smeggy pencil end I said 30p for that 30p for those now do you want to sacrifice your chance

of winning by getting the clue to the story or see all the objects so far don't really have a connection By getting the clue to the story. Or... See, all the objects so far don't really have a connection. They something relate, though, don't they?

You bought them in a... Something relates here. Two of these items are doing their own thing together and... Well, two of them are maybe kitchen items. But you bought the pencils for the pencil sharpener. Ah. As a kind of... Ah.

Now, this is the clue which will lead you down the route... What the fuck is this? ...into finding which is the zero item. The zero item, Paul. Just like the zero bottle. The zero item. Pathetic.

Do you want the special clue? Yeah. The special clue, yeah? I mean... This is going to fucking blow your mind, yeah? All right. I'm holding it near my gonad now oh there's two of

them there's two of those little weird yellow egg men things so what is the zero item

that's all there's this extra point and then we'll go through it okay Paul I think I don't know

for fuck's sake I think you bought the I think the zero item is the pencils well done you've done extremely well today Paul extremely well I think the zero item is the pencils.

Well done. You've done extremely well today, Paul. Extremely well. So, this is the first item. You said this is the donut shaped sports utility bottle with the yellow nozzle. You said 75p. The price was £1. Okay, so a point.

A point there. A point. Not bad. Now, so a point. You've got a point there. A point. Not bad. Now, both of these items... Now, I will just say this as a slight, slight point of concern. Had I known there were two, I wouldn't have priced it at £45. Ah, see? That's my little gamesmanship, yeah?

It's basically holding back some rules. Yeah, I'm holding back info. It's a little story. This is the best ever Price of Shite section I've ever done, Paul. i'm proud of it don't fucking try and derail it for me you're gonna have to do a lot better than fucking vladimir putai all right well i've enjoyed the fact this is your hercule priro murder mystery everyone's in the boardroom at the end for the reveal i really want to know what these are but these are the little alessi things you said 45p for one you only saw one yes so i'm not gonna you know i'm not I'm not some kind of

fucking tyrant, yeah, who's going to try and pull the rug out from under your feet and change the price. This is interminable. So they had a price

together, Paul. Yeah. And I am going to say half of that price and that's the price I'm going to compare to your guess to see if you've scored

any points. What the fuck are you talking about? I literally have no idea what's going on. They were a quid for the pair. Okay. And you said 45p for one. So it would have been 90p altogether.

No, if you were right, but you were wrong by 5p. No, I said 45p. Oh God, here you go. Maths. So two times, two 45ps is 90p. Yes.

So therefore it's only 10p out of the right price. Yes. So you spent a pound, but therefore I'm only 10p off. You're 5p off, because one of them was 50p. Anyway, I still get a point. Yes. So therefore, it's only 10p out of the right price. Yes. So you spent a pound, but therefore, I'm only 10p off. You're 5p off because one of them was 50p. Anyway,

I still get a point. Yes. That's all that matters. I get a point and that's the point. Okay. That's definitely the point. Thank you, Mr. Donkey.

You got a point there. Yeah. Now, moving on to the star item. This is the joy of my heart. Yeah. It is the orange oversized pencil sharpener, which is for vegetables, which has a mandolin stroke potato peeler at the front mounted end.

Are we recording this? We better be. Yeah, we are. It's just going on for a very long time. Okay. I thought you were going to be stop watching this. I am. That's why I'm saying two more minutes.

Mate, I'm going to need more than two minutes. Then you should be more eloquent. Fucking eloquent. I am. And that's why I'm saying two more minutes. Mate, I'm going to need more than two minutes. Then you should be more eloquent. Fucking eloquent. And direct. You should just be better. This is even getting in the way. Yeah, this is pointless. Shut the fuck up.

Potato sharpener. You said... A pound. It was a pound. That's four points altogether. Four points so far. This is very exciting. And you get a point for guessing the zero item, which was the pencils. A pound. That's four points altogether. Four points so far. This is very exciting.

And you get a point for guessing the zero item, which was the pencils. Now, Paul, you have all the information. Yes, I do. Can you uncover the little story behind it all? So, you went... All from one shop. Is it just like a corner shop? No, it is the charity shop around the corner from me.

They had a lovely oil painting of Pavarotti in the window. Should have gotten that. Okay, so you went into the pound shop. You went into the charity shop. It's not a pound shop, it's a charity shop. I was correcting myself. Give me time. Fucking, yeah.

You went into the pound shop. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I meant to say charity shop, but that time I did it on purpose. You didn't. But you weren't listening. You can't speak. I'm not, I've zoned out. Right, so you went in

and you went, I need to buy some shit so I'll buy anything. That looks quite good. And you picked up the old bottle and you went, oh, I can sit that up my arse. Oh, oh, it's up my arse.

And you looked at the lady behind the counter and you went, sit this up my arse, love. And she was like, no. It was a lady behind the counter. And you went, arse. And she was like, okay, so.

She has something to do with this story. She went, you can sit this up your arse, mate. No, I didn't. There was none of that. Shame. So you went and went, oh and she was like okay so she has something to do with this story she went you could sit this up your ass mate no i didn't there was none of that shame so you went oh i'll buy this so you put it on your chest and then you're looking on that little shelf full of knickknacks and all the little stuff weird bits you saw these two yellow things you just thought aesthetically you're gonna buy it's the egg shape thing yeah so you pick those and you thought oh they're both yellow that's a nice color thing isn't it they're both yellow. That's a nice colour thing, isn't it? They're both yellow. And then your eyes glanced just to the left, and there was the potato peel.

You were like, oh, this has two functions. It's a one thing, and it's another thing, and it's another thing, and it's a one thing. And you picked it up, and then, I can't bother this. Then you bought some pencils, but you gave them for free because you thought it was cute that you got normal pencils with a big pencil sharpener. Where would I get pencils for free?

Why would she give them to me for free? In a box on the front of the table. You're not thinking, and you're very bad at puzzles. I'm very good at puzzles. You can't figure this one out, can you? No, because it's so bleak. Why were the pencils free, Paul? Because you got the pencil sharpener thing.

Yeah? Yeah. And she went, have some pencil sharpener thing yeah yeah and she went have some pencil sharpeners ha ha ha ha ha ah ha almost there you're almost there

I said to her I was having a laugh and a joke and a little giggle with her Paul yeah and I said how much for these

yeah and she said a pound for each one and I thought that is so boring and this is what always happens when I try and buy

interesting items from here they're all a quid yeah and it's just like no but I need you to say like 80p and then I can, you know, because I don't want to cheat and lie like some people have on this fairy format and said, doesn't matter. You've said to me. You fucking can't keep saying that.

You've said to me. I'm pulling this podcast. I'm pulling this podcast. My lawyers need you to pull this podcast. Take this down. It doesn't matter if it's more than a quid. Just take it as a quid. So that, and that's what started this.

Your corruption. It's not. That's not true. Your fucking. It's not true. You shyster. This is libel. So I got this.

They're all a quid. And I thought, I've got to spice this up. And I said to her, I've just got to spice something up. Or slander. Whichever one is the spoken word. I just said to her, have you got any pencils I can put in here? Ah ha ha. And she went, oh no, no, word. I just said to her, have you got any pencils I can put in here? Ah ha ha. And she went,

oh no, no, no, I get you pencils. Right. And she got those out of her bag. Those are her own pencils. Right. She's probably been putting up her fanny. Fuck it, Al. And she gave me those, and I went, oh, funny. And how much for these? He's sniffing the pencils, ladies and gentlemen. They smell very ladylike.

They're from her purse. They smell very feminine. Do they? Yeah. Have a sniff of it. I can't believe you. Have a sniff of that one. Smurging on this show. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Lady pencils. Oh, nice. So she went into her bag, gave you the pencils. And I said, how much for those? And she said, no, they're free. Because they've been up my fanny. Whatever.

She was nice. She's a nice lady she's lovely you know just gave me some pencils that's the story excellent and that was

the price is tight and that's right and I get five points yeah you don't get this no 1.1.2 points and then an extra point for this

so now I think very well done Paul you scored highly thank you well done thank you now but I think you'll have to admit,

a new level of professionalism and journalism has been brought to the fucking, to the table, the cheap show table of shite, Paul. And you will have to step up to the plate, step up to the furrow, step up to the wicket, come to the party prepared.

Shut up. This is over. This is over. Fuck you. This is over. This is over. Fuck you. This is over. This segment's over and I am victorious. That was brilliant. Do we have a jingle for the price of shite?

Did we come up with one? No, the price of shite. Let's start that again. I hate it when you do those things. You're just jealous of my mouth skills. So here we go. Do we have a jingle for the League of Snacks?

We don't need a jingle for everything, Paul. The League, League, League of, of, of Snack, Snack, Snack, Snack. Yeah, but if you do the, again, another fucking stupid voice trick.

Yeah. If you do that, then you can't, I think you should go just do ultimate reverb. Ultimate reverb. No, no. In an actual sort of after effect.

Oh, all right. I'll do it. I still might just do the fake one that I thought was quite nice. I'm quite clever. Perhaps you do. League of Snacks. Snacks. Snacks.

Snacks. And then I'll come in. And crisps. All right. Here we go. All right. League of Snacks. Snacks. Sn League of Snacks. And crisps.

Crisps. Crisps. Crisps. Crisps. Crisps. Crisps. Come on. Lonely.

It's time, everybody, for the League of Snacks and Crisps. This is where we take popular, maybe some off-brand snacks or crisps to the league. The league is universal, Paul. Yes. The league spans everywhere. The league, at some point before the end of the universe. All are welcome. The league will be completed, not by us, Paul, but by our, what do they call it?

Prodigy. That's the word, isn't it? Prodigy? Yes. But a prodigy would be one extremely talented snack toaster who went on to rule the world of snack ratings. Oh, well we just don't know what the future

holds, so there's no reason that that might not happen. All I'm saying is we'll die, but the league will live on until its completion, until every snack in the known universe is being covered by our comprehensive four-point classification system, which we hammer out between ourselves. Let's remind the listeners, Paul,

what those four classifications are for the League of Snacks and Crisps. In one. What? Flavour is the first. In two. Texture. In three. You've got value for money there, Paul. In two. Texture. In three. You've got value for money there, Paul.

In four. It's the controversial aspect. Oh. It's nostalgia rating. Right, well, let's get this story out of the way. You said a friend of yours has a problem. He's like, oh, nostalgia's bullshit. And basically, I sort of needled him a bit about it and said, what's your problem with nostalgia?

He said, it's too subjective. And I said, look, it's a good way for us to give a cultural context for the snacks. Yes. Yes. That's what it's about. We want a little cultural context. We want to know, you know, that's it. Nostalgia is the term that covers that.

Yeah. The feeling of yesteryear. Yeah. The feeling of what's gone. The feeling of now. The feeling of what's to come. The feeling. That's not nostalgia.

I'm not specifically talking about nostalgia. Well, I was trying to come. The feeling. That's not nostalgia. I'm not specifically talking about nostalgia. Well, I was trying to describe fucking nostalgia. What would be future nostalgia? There is no future nostalgia. Where we pine for things yet to come.

Like when people say, oh, I wish I had... That's not nostalgia. That's called... Is there a word for it then? Oh, I wish they'd invent flying cars. That's a sentence.

No, I'm just... There must be a word for the opposite of nostalgia. What? An aphorism. Okay, Google. Not an aphorism. An antinonym.

Antinonym. You've put me off now. Shut up. Antonym. Antidecanim. Oh, God. Shut up. Just don't.

Okay, Google. What's the opposite of nostalgia? Antonym. Good. Futurism, yeah. Should we invent a word for the opposite of nostalgia right now? Frothstalgia. No? Froth-stalgia. No, not froth-stalgia.

What's froth? What has froth got to do with... When you get excited for the future. No. That's no good. Froth-stalgia. No, it doesn't work. I remember when the future was great.

It doesn't trip off the tongue. It does. Let's just think about it for 30 seconds longer, Paul. What about tomorrow-stalgia? Paul. Right, today, what are we doing on what we're doing on snacks and also basically so he said oh nostalgia shit and he said yeah oh you should give everything just one one rating or something he had he builds databases so he knows what he's talking about we had some statistical criticisms but what it came down to yeah the resentment underlying resentment is the guy's anti-Quavers Paul

he's anti-Quavers, he did not, we thought we overrated Quavers massively he said Quavers are bullshit something like that, that actual sentence it's personal prejudice we can't bring prejudice into the League of Snacks the League of Snacks is the ultimate scientific, rational

pedestal upon which all rationalities and empiricisms must reside. Correct. Kill Quaver Hater! Right. So, moving on from that sticky ugliness. What have we got today? Now, I'm excited because it's the one,

the first true snack that isn't a crisp that we've had. Yes. It's KP. Dry roasted peanuts, everybody. Yay! This is a classic snack. The old standard. I'm going to break them out. it's KP. Dry roasted peanuts, everybody. This is a classic snack. The old standard.

I'm going to break them out. It's a reclosed pack. I don't know how you do that. Mate, I've never reclosed a pack of nuts in my life. You open them up. This is a big pack, Paul. Gobble, gobble, gobble. This isn't like one of those individual packs. This is like a pack you'd get if there were a few of you, isn't it?

You pour it into a bowl and you isn't it it's you pour it into a bowl and you're watching the football sports finale 250 grams yes 250 gram here

KP now I have to say KP is used to be a very big branded snacks in the UK didn't it bigger than it is now

I mean they're still big but they used to be in the crisp mark they own nuts when I think KP I think nuts yeah yeah

I bet they'd love that. But KP used to do... But you know, like Schweppes was bought out by Coca-Cola. Schweppes used to be more present. I'm a secret lemonade drinker. Was that Schweppes?

That's our wipes. Our wipes. Our wipes. Our wipes have a raspberry lemonade. Ooh. Mate, I had a fucking watermelon soda last night. Yeah?

And I've... I'll just say it here because it's the best part of the show to do it. I have bought you specialty Oreos which are blueberry flavoured. Yeah, he's jacking it.

I'm jacking it, ladies and gentlemen. It is being jacked. I'm going to open these nuts. All right. And I'm going to get the whiff of nut gas coming out. Did you say they were dry roasted? Yes. Not just salted peanuts,

which, you know, we... We'll do that. were dry roasted? Not just salted peanuts, which, you know, we... We'll do that. I'm getting a savoury

nose fizz on. Right, okay, good. A nose bonk on. Oof. Smell that. That's the magic smell

of dry roasted peanuts. That's the smell of, to me. What? Old man's pub. Yeah, it's got a very traditional wood-smoked

old man's pub smell. It's's got a very traditional wood-smoked old man's pub. It's either British Legion, Nan's 60th birthday party, big bowl, and then like the big tinfoil dome with all the pineapple and cheese on a stick thing. Paul, you were brought up in the North, and I

didn't have to deal with that shit because I was middle class, right? Pickled onions and a bit of cheese on a stick? No, no. Never had that. No, we'd have pineapple. Okay, what did I say? Pickled onion. Oh, no.

I may have pineapple as well. What, pineapple and a pickled onion? Yes. Next to each other? Or a little sausage on it? A little mini sausage and a pickled onion. Cocktail sausage. Yeah.

Now you're talking. Yeah, thank you. That was it. And then you had a big bowl of that. And didn't KP do skips originally? Yes. See, this is what I mean. Their dominance of the... Walkers just buying it all.

Walkers. Yeah. Like hawks. They had skips. They had discos with KP, I'm sure. Something like that. They had some moulded potato ones. Anyway, we're here today to discuss and give a totally scientific score.

Nothing to do with our personal preferences for these dry roasted KP peanuts. But as you may already know, just from what we've been talking about already, just from our opening gambit there, I think you can argue there's already a bit of nostalgia attracted to dry roasted. Now, Paul, would you like to make any opening statements

about peanuts in general? I like nuts. I like nuts. Don't eat them yet, because i was going to ask you a question go on what is the dry roasted difference between a normal nut which is just a bit greasy and bit of salt what do they do to dry roasted to make them that ever so slightly sweet slightly not sweet tastes a little bit sweet to me they make it more savory either way look it doesn't make it sweeter you What's the process of dry roasting? You're thinking honey roasting.

I am. Yeah, okay. That's very classic. So I had to collect you there. He's just eating nuts. Dry roast?

Did you just do this segment so you could eat nuts in the show? You're like, I want some nuts. I haven't had any nuts yet.

So explain the dry roasting process. I don't know what it is, but it's just something that's existed for years, hasn't it? As long as I've been alive, there's been this type of nut.

You're right. Not sweet. They're not sweet. They're almost soy saucy, aren't they? Almost. Almost twiglety. Yeah. Like a Marmite soy sauce.

You know what it is, Paul? Yes. It's umami. It's umami rearing its ugly head again. It is. Hang on. I want to be factually correct about dry roasted peanuts. My guess is

that they emerge in the 30s. Dry roasted foods are stirred as they are roasted to ensure even heating. Dry roasting can be done in a frying pan or wok or in a specialised roaster, as is common for coffee beans or peanuts. So I guess they leave the skin on.

No, they don't. Don't they? These are skinless. You can look. Well, how do you get that little texture on them? That kind of... That is some kind of chemical mix that they apply. The flavouring?

Yeah. So it is flavouring? Look at... Don't just do dry roasting. Look at dry roasted peanuts. I am. I'm looking at KP... The actual website for KP Nuts right now.

Well, they're going to lie. They're going to whitewash it. I reckon they're just spraying with MSG and salt. From the moment dry roasted peanuts were first launched in the mid-1980s, they quickly became a firm favourite amongst many in the UK. In the mid-80s? Apparently. Is that recently?

I'm sure they went back further than that. You'd think so. It sounds like a 1960s, 1970s kind of snack. Wow. The combination of the highest quality peanuts and a special roasting process creating a smoky, savoury flavour means the dry roasted peanut

has remained a sensation ever since. Remind? Remained. So, that was a bit of a shock for me that they came out in the 80s. It was a shock for me. But, there is one of the, again, we're going to talk about nostalgia. Let's just go. Let's go for

the flavour and texture. I like the texture. Well, we're going to start with one. I want you to start with flavour, please. Okay, flavour. You're right. Slightly twigglety, slightly umami-ish, savoury, nice. Is there any way I can describe it? It's almost smoky as well, though, isn't it?

It's smoky. Got the roasty smoky. Almost bacon-y. Yeah. Bacon and neck again is another very umami. It's a very brown snack. Yes. In taste, it's brown. In look, it's brown.

It's a very brown snack. It's a very brown snack. And I'm going to need a score for the flavour. Eight? I was thinking eight. So we're going to stick with eight. Good. No argument there. Okay. Are you going to write eight. So we're going to stick with eight. Good. No argument there.

Okay. You're going to write that down? I'm going to write it down. Someone on our Reddit page is making a note of all these for a spreadsheet. Good. So there's going to be a database

if you go to our Reddit page. Reddit.com forward slash r forward slash Cheap Show. Come on and have a long... That's not a sentence. That's not a sentence. Come along and have a laugh with us. Come and have a long one That's not a sentence. That's not a sentence. Come along and have a laugh with us. Come and have a long one.

Shut up. Okay. Okay, so, flavour, or is it texture now? Texture is the next one. Now, I like a nut.

Everyone likes a nut. Throw them in your mouth, crunch, crunch, crunch. As we've said, though, I mean, if you're talking pure nuts, Yeah. cashew's got to be the best, really.

It's got a soft, and it's got that kind of brittle give. It has the best flavour. I like it. And it would work a nuts, cashew's got to be the best, really. It's because it's got that soft, and it's got that kind of brittle give. It just has the best flavour. I like it. And it would work, a dry roasted cashew, anything that works for a peanut is going to work for a cashew.

I do like a Brazil. Yeah. Because it's like a fight. It's a bit urinary. No, I like the crunch. The taste is a bit urinary. It always makes me think. Do you know what?

Brazil nuts are the steaks of the nut world. No, they are the camel piss. No, no, no, no. We disagree, because Brazil's a shit, and we know this,. No, no, no, no. We disagree, because Brazil's a shit, and we know this, and when I bite into them, I have this sort of reverie

that I'm somehow being forced to drink camel piss. Right, okay. Well, anyway, so texture, I'm going to give that a 7.5. So I think we should go up from that. Where are you going to go?

I was going to go... Are we raising things too high on this? No, it's a peanut it's a fucking classic it's a fucking dry roasted is that have you spilled a lot of shit all over the floor now this is the second podcast in a row you spilt shit i've got my crutches all sudden we'll have to deal with that after this okay the league takes precedence good sorry i've spilt something again. I'm just getting excited. These are nuts. Okay, so what?

They're good, they're peanuts. Eight. Okay. Eight. Because then all peanuts are going to be eight. But this has a special kind of give. It has a special texture. There's a textural element, which is the dry roasting ash.

Yeah. Which is that kind of sandpaper finish. The rough finish. Do you know what the other... Well, I'm going to wait until we get to nostalgia. Okay. Okay, so let's... What do you want to say? Eight. We agree want to say eight because i would have gone higher but if that's as high as you want to go eight is fine eight is enough value for money paul i defer to you to tell us 250 grams how much did it cost these were on sale in a sainsbury's at 1.75 today they usually go for

i think 250 maybe 280 they're quite expensive for a bag of nuts. In fact, even most nuts you buy these days are quite expensive. Like you'd pay a quid for one of the smaller individual packs, wouldn't you? You'd be charged a quid at least. So the value for money isn't great. True. It isn't great. And also, peanuts are about the cheapest ones you can get. If you look at pistachios, have you seen that?

Yeah. How much they are? Very costly. I was in a cafe once getting a coffee. Some workmen came in. It was like a carpenter type guy. Yeah. How much they are? Very costly. I was in a cafe once getting a coffee. Some workmen came in. It was like a carpenter type guy. Yeah. Earthy. And he was like, oh, I've been round here. Aaron Gay. He was kind of

wheeler dealing on the phone a bit. Sorry. Just get on with it. Is this anecdote any good? Yeah. And then he was talking to his son. He was like, Kefali hot nuts up there. That is shops near me called Kefali. There's a chain and they're called Kefali hot nuts up there and that is shops near me called kafali there's a chain and they're called kafali hot nuts right they have all the nuts poor and dried fruit and

they have chocolate fountains see this face this is the face of a man zoning out and anyway he said he was telling this story so it's a flashback within a flashback because i'm telling a story that he was telling to his friend in this cath yeah he said to his son he said to him I was up there at Caffaleo Nuts the other day right and I bought a bag of fucking pistachios

and I go to the counter they're trying to say it's 40 quid so he obviously filled a bag of pistachios thinking it was going to cost him a tenner

or something but yeah but no costly they are pistachios are fucking expensive well they're shelled as well or unshelled

these are unshelled then they're going to be more costly no shelled then you never get or unshelled? These are unshelled. Then they're going to be more costly. No, shelled. You'd never get them unshelled. You do. Even more. Yeah, because of the process.

Anyway, what a shit story. So, what are we, in terms of, where are we going to? Value for money. I'm going to, I would say 6. Let's say 6.5. Because you get a lot. Let's go 6.5. No, 6.

Let's leave it at that. Because there are other nuts out there for better prices. No, there isn't. That's what I'm trying to say. You're going to have to start reasonably high if we're going to have peanuts because every other nut in the whole world costs more than them. Why are they more expensive than a big bag of Bombay mix? More nut.

More nut per square inch. Not just expensive in general. Which is also... I'm glad you're enjoying yourself because I'm zoning out. More nut per square inch is an unreleased Rick James album. All right, 6.5. All right? Yes.

Write it down. And finally, nostalgia. We've already covered that. We've had this idea that it's associated with a certain time, certainly in Britain, with family birthday parties and social gatherings. It's an all-time nostalgic classic. You can't go wrong with that. But, and that's why I was so surprised

to see that they... It's a nice pub, that's... Yeah, it's a pure pub snack. It's meadows. It's the smell of Lenore. Well, it's like that Vic and Bob sketch in it from Smell Off where it's like,

lovely brown booze. Ah, lovely brown. And you've got some lovely nuts just on the side. Brown food. You put them on the table. They judge you by what it looks like spilled on the table.

Right. So they spill the peanuts and a bit of booze. Lovely, the brownest of boozes. Okay, so it's brown. Yeah. It's nostalgic. We've said that.

Oh, I'm squeaking from the water I've dropped on the floor. It startled me. It's the Newquay brown of nuts. Well, I'm so surprised they were only introduced in the mid-80s. Yeah, me too. There must have been precursors to it. Because it seems to me like a dry roasting process is in fact it's actually just a flavoring isn't it it's something they add that is a flavor mix yeah so it's not entirely it's

kind of fake food you know what i mean a little bit it's like it's saying dry roasted but it's but it's achieving that dry roasted flavor like by applying something it's like kind of what they must do to chestnuts you know they roast chestnuts yes nuts chestnuts chestnuts chestnuts right i'm gonna say eight for nostalgia and the reason why i'm gonna say eight is kind of what they must do to chestnuts. You know when they roast chestnuts? Yes. Chestnuts, chestnuts, chestnuts, chestnuts. Right. I'm going to say eight for nostalgia. And the reason why I'm going to say eight is kind of like it will differ depending on class and region and where you are in the world. They're very nostalgic for me. Do you know what?

My granddad. Yeah. God rest his soul. Used to have always have nuts. He'd have those JP Walker ones. Oh. You know? Yeah, fancy. That character. He's a big peanut or ones. Oh. You know? Yeah, fancy.

That character. He's a big peanut or something. The one with the glasses and the hat. Why do we remember this? Because it was a universal brand. Well, they're called Planters

or something. It was a universal American brand and I think it just through osmosis got through to us. So it's very nostalgic for me personally

because I think of my granddad and him eating his nuts and like, and yeah, so. But it varies from person to person and some cultures and some people

just don't know it also the other nostalgic thing yeah back to the old PC 80s un-PC more like

oh yeah didn't work do you remember those boards of peanuts they used to have and there'd be a girl with her tits out printed on the back

and you're like give me another packet of nuts I've got a crumple on that's a great way of selling nuts though isn't it, give me another packet of nuts. I've got a crumple on. That's a great way of selling nuts though, isn't it? I'll have a packet of nuts, please. Oh, I can't.

I need a fucking wank. I also would like a snack. Perfect for that. A wank and a snack. Yeah. A wank. So let's explain in more detail what we mean.

They would have a board, a backboard. That were all the snacks were hanging off. Which was a holder. Yes. A display holder for your KP. So like 25 packs of small KP bags of nuts hanging on a backboard. And as you removed each one, there was a picture underneath of a lady.

A glamour shot. In the nude. Yes. A page three lady. So you'd be like. It wasn't muff though. Not those nuts. Not those nuts.

It wasn't muff though, was it? A little bit above to the left. Imagine now. So we think of that as like, not those nuts. It wasn't Muff, though, was it? Imagine now, so we think of that as like, you know, it's on PC. It's a bit sort of naff and terrible. But it's a great monster take. Imagine it was like someone with a fully spread vulva. Do you know what I mean? Imagine today's porn put behind there. Do you know what I mean?

How bad that would be. Just pink. You'd be like, I'll have another packet of nuts. That's a close-up of a... Oh, look, Barry. That was a packet of nuts. That's a close-up of a... Oh, look, Barry. That was a packet of nuts. Two girls, one cup. Yeah, exactly. So I think we have to add a bit of a nostalgia thing.

I'll have another packet of nuts. There's so much culture going around these bags of peanuts. So I think we should go at 8.25 at the very least. 8.5. Let's keep it simple. What's up? It's a classic snack. Don't...

Stop doing stuff from things. It was shit. Stop doing stuff from things. That was shit. Stop doing stuff from things. That was shit. And we're going 8.5 now. It's going to be a high score. It is. It is.

It's a piece. I'm worried that we're going to be rating things too high on this. How could you overrate the classic of this standard? All right. Okay. It's only when we start getting the lesser snacks in. Yeah. Now, just on another note on nut flavors paul

yeah they do salt and vinegar nuts and they have done for several years i bet they wouldn't have only introduced quite relatively recently perhaps not interested move on what's the score i'll eat nuts while you do the score what i hate you don't eat nuts you i want you to talk about different variants of nut flavor that they have available these days. Hot nuts, spicy nuts, garlic nuts. Spicy, very good. And then I have... Do the score.

Hot nuts, spicy nuts, garlic nuts, onion nuts, fat nuts, big nuts, small nuts, sour nuts, wrinkly nuts, hard nuts. The score. Soft nuts. For KP, dry roasted peanuts. Out of 40. The score for KP Dry Roasted Peanuts in the League of Snack and Crisps out of a top possible score of 40 is on the nose, Paul. It's 31. Interesting.

I think it's a fair score. A fair score. I think it's a fair score. Got anything to say about that? Fuck off. about that fuck off and that's been Cheap Show

for another episode congratulations you made it through well done I have got a bit of a wetness you have because you spilt

your excitement drink all down your lappy lap you should have put it in a bottle I should have pissed into the donut bottle

and squirt it in your face follow us on Cheap Show go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk go to us on Twitter You should have put it in a bottle. I should have pissed into the donut bottle and squirt it in your face. Follow us on Cheap Show. Go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Go to us on Twitter, at thecheapshowpod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. Eli is... Eli Snowid. E-L-I-N-S-O-I.

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