CheapShow - Ep 80: CheapShow TV

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

CheapShow has (somehow) been going for 3 years! So why not check out this very special edition of the economy comedy podcast, as we attempt to turn the podcast in to a full blown TV channel? 7.00pm: Top of Pops With music from Dire Concerns, The Spunk Mothers, Labian Caves... and Russ Abott 7.30pm: CheapShow TV Show Board Game Special Paul, Eli & Ash take on some of Britain's best TV game shows with arguments, challenges and forfeits. This week, the cheap chaps take on Blockbusters, The Million Pound Drop and Britain's Got Talent. 8.30: Bobby's Mucky Flat The reward winning sitcom returns for a new series. This week, Bobby has to deal with a family tragedy that he single handedly caused... and comedy ensues! 9pm: Stars In Their Thighs Sex talks with D List celebrities. 10pm: Putin On The Ritz Hard hitting pun based documentary. 11pm: Confessions of a Radio DJ Sex comedy with Pat Sharp and Barbera Windsor. 1am: Programming Ends (With thanks to radio legend Pat Sharp for helping out with this episode. We'd also like to thank Roobeh on Reddit for the amazing "Gibbly-Woo" song that helps open the show!) And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow @elisnoid @ashfrith and special thanks to @patsharp If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

You and I will be dancing in the cold night air, oh, oh, oh, on an atmosphere. I love a party with a happy atmosphere, yeah. Music everywhere, and soon we'll be dancing in the cold night air, oh, oh, oh, on an atmosphere. I love a party with a happy atmosphere Russ Abbott there with Atmosphere. Yeah, it's Tom of the Pops. Here I am. Yes, look at me. I can touch my face and stuff. What's going on here?

But never mind that. Enough about me. Kids, it's time for the top 10. At number 10 it's Rainbow Coral with I've Gotta Fly. Down one place to number 9 this week, it's only Heartbreak Massacre with their hit I Can't Believe I left the gas on. Up 16 to number 8 is the Caribbean B-Boys with What You Looking At? And in straight in at number 7 like a bullet it's Loafhead with Wow My Booger.

No change at number 6 it's a steady hitter with dire concerns and rock to your mum clocks. Down seven to five. It's Why Am I Always Naked by The Cheese Puffs. And straight in at number four. It's a climber. It's Strewn Onions

with The Witch's arsehole Down one place To number three this week Why I can see your gaping void Bye I can see your gaping void It's a great big number two

At two It's Put that on me Rub it around Make it all come out By the Spunk Mothers Brand new number one this week.

Straight in at number one. And it is Labian Cave with Slurp My Wars. I got the jibble and the wibble and the jibble-y-hoo. I got the ooh-ooh-hey. I got the me-me-gay. I got the lipple and the nipple and the hippity-hey. I got the ooh-yeah, hobbily-nob. I got the jibble and the flipple and the wobbly-gob. I want to hear you cry it. I want to hear you try and stand up there and deny it.

Come on, girl. Come on, girl. You know you want to play with a dingle-dingle-doo and a wibble-wibble-hay. I got the wibbly-hoo, I got the wibbly-hay. Can you stop? Have you started recording? I got the wibble and the wibble and the wibbly-hay. Snob. I got the wibbly-hoo, I got the hibbly-hay.

I got the jibble and the wibble and the gibbly-hay. More hot hits and cold cuts Same time next week But coming up More cheap laughs With the Cheap Show Chaps We'll be right back. You'll love the real taste of pizza in Walker's Bits of Pizza. If criminal is eating up the ground of my face, easy pieces for Bits of Pizza. If I don't get walkers, I'm a hard-boiled head case. Walker's Bits of Pizza. You'll love them to bits. Cheap Show TV is on its way, but first, let's have a look at what's coming up for the rest of the day.

From 8.30, we've got some award-winning comedy in the form of Bobby's Mucky Flat. Tonight, Bobby has to deal with a death in the family and a wet T-shirt competition. At 9, we hear more salacious sex talk from mid-tier celebrities in a new episode of Stars in Her Thighs. celebrities in a new episode of stars in her thighs following that at 10 is part one of a new hard-hitting documentary about russian presidents and their cheese snack obsessions it's called putin on the ritz and finally ending this evening's entertainment at 11 p.m we have our raunchy late movie confessions of a radio dj with pat sharp and and Barbara Windsor. So make sure the kids are in bed for that one. Before all that though, it's time to join Paul, Ash and Eli, not Ellie, for a very special cheap show. Hello, my name is Paul Gannon

and you're listening to another episode of Cheap Show. And yes, once again, we've gone back to the charity shops, found a bunch of board games based on TV shows and we're delivering to you our third, almost annual but not really quite annual to make it annual, annual TV board game, game, game, game, game show special. Yay! And there are lots of prizes, lots of games to play today based on shows from yesteryear. And our two contestants tonight, let's see where they're from, who they are

and what they do. Let's meet the proles. First of all, let's go to contestant number one today. You're all the way from London. What's your name? It's Eli Silverman. Hello. You're an ugly man, aren't you? You can fuck off, you

unprofessional cunt. And don't call me ugly. It's a bit of banter. Do you know what? The fucking show will be over if you call me ugly ever again. It's a bit of banter, mate. I'll tell you that right now. It's not a bit of banter.

It's body shaming. It's body shaming, Paul. And it's out of order. Is it? Yes. Not ugly. I'm differently faced. What?

You are ugly. Fuck you. Hashtag ugly. I'm differently faced. What? You are ugly. Fuck you. Hashtag ugly. Hashtag differently faced. You not very good at speaking. What do you do for a living? I... I got you there, haven't I?

I'm not prepared to say. Why? Just for reasons. Because you're a loser. You're a loser? I'm not a loser. I've're a loser. You're a loser? I'm not a loser. I've got a girlfriend. I have a job.

You look like Clarkson's son-in-law. What does that mean? Just some cunt who would marry one of his daughters. Where's a board game, you prick? Fuck you. You're ugly. You are ugly. You look like a boglin

That's fallen in a fucking mound of wigs And you've got a small dick And no one loves you I love you What about the other contestant? I want to find out a bit more about you Do you have an interesting anecdote about your life? Maybe something you do is part of your job

Yes, I was DJing the other day Paul You know, you get people coming up often. You do, you do. Actually, on the way to the DJ booth, I had to go through the crowd, and this woman grabbed me, started grinding her bum against me,

and ruffling my hair, and screeching something unintelligible at me. Wow. Did you... I tried to get away from her as quickly as possible. Yeah. Which wasn't easy because it was very crowded.

Very crowded. This is harrowing. It's a bit harrowing. You don't want a bit of that, do you? Contestant number two we'll get to in a minute. Also, I was playing this tune

by Rick James the other day. Ow. Yeah. And the woman came over and she asked for... Rick James? No, Bruno Mars. Oh, okay.

Because it reminded her of... Bruno Mars. Of Uptown Funk Me Up. Ba-bo-do, ba-bo-do, ba-bo-do. It so nicked the sound off those Rick James records that it reminded her of that record. So now she's asking for that record when in fact she doesn't know

there's this subconscious fucking process going on with her. And I had to tell her, you're only saying that because this has reminded you of it, because this is better. Fuck off. Well, is there anyone you'd like to say hello to at home? No.

Well, good luck on the show today. Thank you very much. I'm hoping to win. I'm hoping to win hard. Good. W, put the W in the W column for win. Right. Yeah? I'm writing a W in my column. Right. Very good put the W in the W column for win. Right. Yeah?

I'm writing a W in my column. Right. Very good. Just so you know. Right. Good. I'm still here. Let's go to contestant number two.

As in a poo-poo. You have said your bit. I'm not. I'm never done. I'm never done with you. You've been done for a while, mate. You've been done. I will fucking keep speaking.

I'm the host. You're a contestant. Come on. Know your place. Just introduce yourself. Right. Contestant number two, what's your name and where do you come from? My name is Ash and I'm from my mummy's tummy.

Oh, round of applause for mummy's tummy. I'm not going to applaud that. Why? Miserable cunt. Cheer up. He's trying to psych me out. The mind games have started early. Yeah, early.

So, what do you do for a living, Ash? I talk about my cock. He's not wrong, ladies and gentlemen. But how much mileage can you get out of it? I'm a professional podcaster. Oh, a professional podcaster. Yeah, I make all of my money via podcasts. And which podcast do you work on, ladies and gentlemen?

I work on the Pranks and Firth podcast, which you can get from all outlets, and also the Cheap Show podcast, when I can be bothered. Middling, middling content provider. But they pay so well. Yeah, but, you know, or like, what's so good about working with me and Eli? I like your witty band. I like how you get on.

On mic, there's this sort of tension and anger, but off mic, there's so much love between you. It's sexual. It's not. I between you it's sexual I assure everyone at the end of every record you apologise to each other for the things you've had to say in each episode you're like I'm so sorry I called you a grot faced old cunt weasel and then Eli will say like

I'm so sorry I called you a talentless producer I'm sorry I'm sorry I said that you look like you married one of Clarkson's daughters. Yeah. Which is great. Where Eli looks like

Wurzel Gummidge's gaping arsehole. And then you'll apologise for that. Not for me. Just that you'll apologise for it. And that's why I love being on quiz shows. So what games have we got coming up, Paul? I have to do this job for you because you're so slack.

Shut up. Slack arse. You're a presenter no I'm a presenter and you're the contestant well that to me well good luck

ladies and gentlemen let's hope that these two contestants have a fine time and win some fine did you say good luck to the audience no I said the audience

give you good luck oh yes ladies and gentlemen let's applaud our contestants we'll be back after this commercial break. Who's this? Dunno. What are you doing? Hello. Where are you going? Oh, bye.

Oh, bye. Bye. Oh, spread it on your toast in the morning. Country life. You'll never put a bit of butter on your knife. Welcome back to Cheap Show's TV show board game special. And we've got some rum titles up for you. But we're going to keep

them a bit of a secret as we go but the first one it's a classic it's one of the great British quiz shows it was on ITV in the 80s mostly

and it's called Blockbusters you know what I'll just play the proper theme now okay You know what? I'll just play the proper theme now. Okay. And now, please welcome the host of Blockbusters, Bob Holis. Hello, welcome to Blockbusters I'm the host of this particular round on the cheap show TV show, board game special

And it's going to be Ash versus Eli in this first round And we're playing Blockbuster It's a very simple game A versus B A has to get across the board and answer questions But B can block those questions and try and circumvent by going upwards. How does B block? By answering the question instead of the white person.

That makes it sound racist. The white person? No. So what, it's a multiracial where it's whites against blacks? Is that blockbuster? There's a grid. It's a race war board game. It's a hexagonal race war.

It's a hexagonal grig. Grid. Grid. Who's Grig? It's got hexagonal race war. It's a hexagonal grid. Grid. Who's Grieg? It's got classical music. Grieg. Four, eight. It's got Brahms.

It's a hexagonal grid of 20 spaces with letters on each. And blue goes across and white goes up. You've got to basically connect four. But the person who goes across is a team of two usually. Usually. But we don't have that. So here's what's going to happen.

If you're going up and you only have four to answer to win, you therefore have to answer the fourth one twice making five answered in all. Lovely. So you can do that concurrently

within the same final roll. Yes? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Now, let's toss to find out

who's going to be who. Does that sound fair? So, Ash, since it's you, I'm going to toss you guess and then you can pick a colour.

Okay. Tails. Heads or tails? Tails. It's tails. It's tails, so you get to choose. Do you want to go across

five spaces or up with four? I'm going to go across. You're going to go across, meaning you have to choose. Do you want to go across five spaces or up with four? I'm going to go across. You're going to go across, meaning you have to get four and then an extra one. Does that mean he's the double person? Yeah. No, he's the one person. You're the double person.

I'm the double person. Because you're fat. Oh, I thought more would laugh. Fuck off. All right. So here's the thing. There is going to be a challenge to this. So the winner wins, but the loser has to eat the number of spaces filled on the grid in their colour.

So if you go across in five... Except Ash will not eat them. Well, no, I will eat. He's a vegan. You eat for Ash. Yeah, I will eat for Ash. We'll eat the beans for Ash. Yeah.

And we are using, again, the Double Dare's Jelly Belly Knockoffs. And they're revolting. Can you give us, Eli, the flavours? They have lemon or rotten cheese. Watermelon or snot. Yes, it is. Cola or cat food. Yeah.

Even the good ones taste like shit on these, don't they? Caramel or snail. Yeah. That's a real slider. It's a real... Anyway. Got it. Blueberry or toothpaste.

That's fine. That's fine. It's either blueberry or mint. It's not a bad thing at all. And lastly, strawberry or fresh blood. Oh, that's a horrible, horrible, horrible one. It's a truly disgusting tasting.

As we found out before and one of us may find out again today. So, can we just agree with something right now? If he gets to get off all these things, there must be some kind of payback for him.

So what should he say? I'm here. Don't be like that, you shitty little chimp. What? He's a chimp, is he? Yeah. Stop with the racist. No, he's a chimp is he yeah stop with the racist no he's a little

dirty orangutan speciesist he's like the Mitchell Michelin man with a haircut you are lame I haven't got

I'm not good on insults today you haven't got good words today oh you want to punch in the fucking face no great

that's a nice bunch of words isn't it you've already hit him once oh that's good isn't it straight to the

back of me with the fucking Vladimir poo tie fucking face. Oh, great. That's a nice bunch of words, isn't it? You've already hit him once. Oh, that's good, isn't it? Straight to the bottom. with the fucking Vladimir Poutai. Yeah, you're waving Keith about all the fucking time. I'm not waving about.

He speaks to me. It's Blockbusters. Right, here we go. So, you got the toss right. Do you want to go first or second? I will go first,

You will go first. So, can you see the grid right. Do you want to go first or second? I will go first, please. You will go first. So can you see the grid? Yes. Where are the pieces on the grid? How do you... Put them in. They're like little jigsaw pieces. You slide them in.

So therefore you know. Right. So you are blue and Eli is white. Blue and white. Good luck, Eli. Where do you want to start? Anywhere on the grid. W, please.

You're going to start with W. All right. Let me find a W card and we'll get going. You're going to start with W. Alright, let me find a W card and we'll get going. I'm going to read them from top to bottom, so there's no me picking an easy or hard one out to flick you over. I'll just go with the top one of the card. Right. What W went pop in the rhyme

half a pound of tuppany rice? I want to say weevil, but pop goes the weevil or pop goes the weasel. I want to say weevil. But Pop goes the Weevil or Pop goes the Weasel. I want to say Weevil. You're incorrect. Does Eli steal it?

Does Eli steal it? Ash, did you not know that? Is it Weevil or is it Weasel? Let's find out. Eli, what do you think you know? Weasel is the correct answer. When you said, did I not know that,

you saw me not get it. I thought you were doing a bit or something. Oh, yeah, Mike. So the first letter on the grid is taken by Eli by the white. Why does he not put it in W? It's weird that he's not done that. It's odd. Come on, Paul.

I got W mixed up. I got confused. I didn't know if it was weevil or weasel. You can see why I was confused. Yeah, well, you got it wrong, and now the world is laughing at you. Pop goes Evel Knievel. Eli, where do you go next on the board? Am I going up to down or something?

You're going up and down. I will go for M. You are going M. Please, M. Let's have a look for M on the Blockbuster's cards. Okay. Eli. Yes.

What M are troops trained for service at sea or on land? Militaries. Marines. Now I'm going to take your first answer and your first answer

is incorrect. So can Ash steal this? I'm going to say Marines. You are correct. The answer is Marines. That is a steal. Well, again, did you not know that? That's what you said to me.

I can't believe you didn't. I thought you were going to get to one of your bits. Militaries. Militaries. That's all right. I didn't know I had to get to one. Look, just, yeah. Ash, you've gained control of the board.

Thank you. Where would you like to go? What letter next? I'd like to go with C, please. You are going to go with C. Let's have a look for C. Like the military, go on. Isn't going to be good for me if he gets this.

Let's see how we go. C, Ash. What C is the occupation of Karl Heinz Atoskhausen? Are you saying what? What C is the occupation of Karl Heinz Oskarhausen? He was a cellist. Is incorrect. Does Eli know?

Let me see his name written down. Okay. You've lost anyway. Do you want to have a guess? What was his job? Was he a... I can't even think of any profession starting with the letter C. Are you a fucking idiot?

It doesn't matter. You can't answer now. I'm just going to have to go... Chemist. At least he thought of a C one. He was a chocolatier. No, he wasn't. He was a composer.

A composer. So Ash... Famously a cellist composer. Ash, you get the next question for that. Actually, what would happen because you both got it wrong? I guess you just have to get it again. Otherwise we'll be here all day. Yeah.

In that case, I'm going to randomly pick a letter. Next is going to be L. Why? Because you both got it wrong. That's not part of the rules. Yeah, kind of. I'm just going to mix it up. You don't know the rules. We've totally lost already. I'm mixing it up. I've got the right to

do. You're not in charge of this. Paul, have you done a little straw poll of our listeners? Do they like it when you go into pop songs and sing? Because it's really, it's killing me. It's the theme for this particular batch of recording. I'm the host of this fucking thing. It's really bad.

Why don't you shut your up? Why don't you shut your fucking mouth? You feckless, vacuous, void of, talentless, primordial, shit. Say feculent. Feculent. Oh, feckless. Vacuous. Vorid. Tanitless. Call me feckulent. Primordial. Call me feckulent. Shit. Say feckulent.

Feckulent. Fuck you. You bevel grill. You have a head full of sick. You are a horny, Yeah, I am horny. think beast. I'm Randy.

Yeah. You're horny, horny, horny. Anyway, L. First one who shouts the correct answer. You don't know the fucking rules. First one who shouts, this is not a blockbuster. First one who shouts out the answer gets You don't know the fucking rules. First one who shouts... This is not a blockbuster. The first one who shouts out the answer gets this letter.

Okay, so here's L. What L is a brown, soaring, singing bird? Lark. Is the correct answer, so... I'm not playing. Ash get... Ash get L. Where do you want to go next on the board, Mr. Ash?

T, please, Bob. Mr. T. Mr. T. Let's fan T card. How does that work? That doesn't work for you. You don't know, do you? Mr Ash Tea please Bob Mr Tea Mr Tea Let's fan tea How does that work? That doesn't work for you You don't know do you? You don't know what he's plotting

I'm full of hate You always get like this When you win it's like It's the best day of my life ever We should do this all the time And now he's like I don't want to play No

Ready? This is tea Yep What tea is a Japanese city That the shoguns called Edo Tokyo Is correct, that's another one for you Right, where do you want to go next?

C please, Paul Let's go for C, let's have a little look for C Shall we? C What C was Queen Elizabeth's second No, sorry, what C was Queen Elizabeth second... No, sorry. What C was Queen Elizabeth second's first born child?

Christopher. No, that wasn't it. You decided to throw it to give little fucking Lord Fauntleroy a little go. Charles. It's Christopher Windsor. It's Christopher Windsor. Give me the flipping tile. I'm angry about that because I know you threw that round just to let little fucking dirt Fauntonteroy have a little go.

Little Dirt Fonteroy? Prince Christopher. There is no Prince Christopher. Do you think we wouldn't know about him? Do you think there's like a royal we don't know called Prince Christopher? I would like a D, please, Paul. Get on with it. I'm not happy about this.

I feel like he gave you a mulligan and I'm not happy. It doesn't matter. There's no jeopardy for him He's not eating the non-vegan beans I would like you to put some more fucking effort in Because if I think you're cheating I'm just going to start taking points away from him So if I think there's anything like that going on

And you've already got one It might have been Christopher We need to come up with a forfeit here There is no forfeit for him There's got to be something I know he has to have a scoop of one of your hot sauces Because they're going to be vegan They're just crushed peppers That's true So, he has to have a scoop of one of your hot sauces. Because they're going to be vegan. They're just crushed peppers.

That's true. So if you lose, you have the spoonful of hot peppers chosen by Eli. A drop. No, I want a spoon. A few drops. I want a spoon. I want a spoon in your mouth. That sounds creepy.

Right, D it was. Yes, for Eli. D. What D is associated with Grand Coulee, Caraba and Aswan? Could you pronounce those names properly, please? What D is associated with Grand Coulee, Carribia and Aswan?

Can I see them written down, please? Yes, you can. It's the top question. Now I take it away. What is the answer? Docs is wrong do you know drive drive

yeah what does that mean well you know like you've got mate if I think you're throwing the match you're gonna get a spoon at the end of this round

of hot chilli it's like you need to fight for this you know like because if you don't you'll be fighting like a road you're both wrong

like a road in front of a house. Like a drive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're both wrong. What's the answer? Dams. They were dams. Okay.

Right. I did not know that. I didn't know that. I said drive. Right, the next question is going to be G, randomly, because you both got this wrong. G? Yeah. G.

G. What G is the sacred river of Hindus? Ganges. Is the correct answer. Eli takes the G spot. And I would like A J please Paul Well why don't you

Roll one yourself Right here we go With the J With the J What J Eli Is the name given to God In the Old Testament Jehovah

Is correct. That's another spot for you. I would like a D now, please, Paul. This game is as good as over. Eli, here is your next D question. D. What D comes before wit, weather and wine? Dry.

Is correct. D. Go there. wine dry is correct. D goes in. There is no one who has ever come back from this position. I'm desperate for a slash Paul. You've got three match points. You've got one spot to win to potentially close off your line and win this game. I'm desperate to squirt urine Paul. Is that you saying, I would like a pee, please, Bob.

He said it. He said it. He'd like a pee. Three match points. Right. I need you to fight for this, Ash, just so you know. Oh, I can't.

Who's going to know the answer? You don't know that, though. You don't know. And I don't think you're fighting for it. You're getting a drop for every one that you got on the grid. So you're going to get three drops of hot sauce if he wins this.

Yeah? I'm going to have the bean still but you have to have the hot sauce. That's fair, right? Because I don't want him getting off with no risk. You're showing him the fucking answers. I'm not because my hand's at the back. It wasn't at the back, I just saw the answer. Paddington. It's not Paddington. There's no Paddington here.

All right. What P, Eli, is? Right. And then read out the question. Ready? What P goes before chair, bike, and button? Push. I'll get the chilli sauce then.

Yay! It's a straight win for Eli. It's so much easier when you wag all the card in front of his face just before you ask the question. It's funny, isn't it? When you throw the match thinking, oh, I'll give Eli a bite, and then all of a sudden you've lost.

That didn't work out for you, did it? Very crisp. Yeah? So you're going to have some hot sauce, three drops of hot sauce on a spoon, and I'm going to have three beans now. We're both fucked because you didn't put the effort in. And I'm angry. I'm angry. How did you know it wasn't

Prince Christopher of Wales? We'd know if it was a Prince Christopher. You threw that to give him the bone. He was very unhappy. Do you see how unhappy he was? Yeah, but look at him now. He's quite a bad loser, isn't he? And so I didn't. He looked genuinely upset. I can't... He looked genuinely upset.

I can't have you think like that. I haven't got the killer instinct. You wait for the next game because you're both in it. You're both working together. Well, that's okay. Oh, so it's okay when my arse is on the line?

Hmm. I just felt like he's... You are never coming back. We've given you three episodes now. Did you see how unhappy he was? Fuck off for a year. You've had it. Did you see how unhappy he was

when he was losing? But I see him looking unhappy all the time. You couldn't do it to him. He's got puppy dog eyes. Fuck off for a year. You've had it. Did you see how unhappy he was when he was losing? But I see him looking unhappy all the time. You couldn't do it to him. He's got puppy dog eyes. No, he doesn't. He has sad man eyes. He's back with a spoon.

I've got sad man eyes. Yeah, you do. Oh, you've got water for yourself. That's good. It's not for me. It's for Ash. Oh, okay.

Fair play. So there you go. Let me take a quick picture of that. And this is hot, you say? Yes. And that's three drops? Yeah.

I don't... It's got texture. Oh, I don't like... Because you strike me as a man who likes hot sauce. It's hot. It's not that bad. But the fact you've provided me with water... That's just because I'm a humane person, you know.

I can smell it from here. It's good stuff. I don't like hot food. Have it. I'm not sure on hot food. Have it. Get it in your mouth then get gone to bed.

I'm going to have a little bit of water because I don't like clagging. Ash had lost that round of blockbusters and now he must eat the spoon. Would you go up or would you turn the spoon? I don't. It's up to you, mate.

Fucking hell. Yay. Oh, it's very hot. That's a very hot sauce, isn't it? Yeah, nice, isn't it? Right, so now I have to have three fucking beans from now. Do you remember previously when I burnt the roof of my mouth? Yeah.

Good, that would teach you to put some more effort in and not throw the match. Oh, it's Prince Christopher. Yeah, it's not Prince Christopher, is it? Prince Christopher was your downfall. So, but I won anyway, right? You won that round. And I don't have to eat any beans?

No, I've got to have to eat three of those, though. Oh! I have to eat three of those double dares. You do? Yeah. I want you to pick them out

from random, please. It's coming all the way down. Good. Oh, I burped it. It hurt on the way up. Really? It's kind of not that bad Ash. I don't have anything hot ever.

Really? Oh. My eyes. Here you go. Give me three at random, alright? I don't want you thinking about it and choosing it. Stick them in. I can taste my retinas. Put three in my hand right now. You're thinking too much about it. Just three different flavours. So I've got potentially what here?

I've got brown, yellow and red Potentially caramel or snail Lemon or rotten cheese Right And then red No, strawberry or fresh blood Strawberry or fresh blood Cola, cat food, strawberry or fresh blood

Or lemon or rotten cheese Now I need to spit into something, mate. Can I spit into that empty milk thing? Yes. Alright, I need to get it. One sec. Are you still burning? It's burning all the way down. It's always been in my lap. I feel it there. Come on, I'm in it

fun. And that will teach you to put more effort in, won't it? Won't it? Won't it? I just thought Eli looked really sad. Here we go. I'm going to start with yellow God Lemon It's lemon

I'm going to go with the blood one next Let's have it's blood That's so bad the blood one and this one's snail yeah or caramel caramel

things are disgusting I think it's cat food or no no no caramel or snail or cola or cat food okay it's cola or cat food. Okay. It's cola or cat food.

Cola. Oh, thank fuck. I was scared. You're welcome. Oh, my God. All right. Well, at the end of that round, Eli is victorious.

Yeah. He is the blockbuster, blockbuster extraordinaire. Round of applause. And you've won a prize doesn't he look happier what's my prize for you have won the Noel Edmonds

tele addicts Kellogg's bits split split card game Cheryl inside her sad split anyway let's come back after the commercial break

and try another wacky TV show my spine is on fire you deserve that Let's come back after the commercial break and try another wacky TV show. My spine is on fire. You deserve that. Let's come back after the break for more TV show, game show, board game, game show special. Oh, yeah.

What's it going to be? Well, I started racing greyhounds now, and this one's no beginner. He hasn't lost a single race, a dead cert money spinner. That's why I call her Hairy Hound. Now, I named my dog Gonzales because he goes at such great speeds. The bookie's cursed because he's always first and i'm laughing all the way to the lead he always leads me to the lead see i've got an account called liquid gold that's where my cash is kept if you want top rates of interest the leads is your best bet and you can get your paws on it instantly then one day he was lured away by a pound of cork and beef my canine gold mine led

astray by some crafty little thief not very sporty is it well i didn't want to lose that dog because he's my cash supply down at the track he soon came back when fifi caught his eye liquid gold Liquid Gold now pays 10.75% for bigger savers, so laugh all the way to the leads. Ladies and gentlemen, we're back after the break. It's another round of the Cheap Show TV Show Game Show Special, where we play board games based on TV shows. And in this round, why, it's only the million dollar drop. Yes. And I'm Davina McCall.

Excellent. I'm sexy lady from the 90s but no more sexy ladies of the 90s. Top draw. Sexy ladies from the 90s. Big brother. Sexy lady from the 90s. Like no other. What are the rules of this game? I've never played it before.

Well, it's simple. There's a table with four trapdoors. You have a million pounds. You're going to separate that money out over the four trapdoors to maybe take a guess on the question that relates to each of the doors which are answers to the fuck I couldn't get it right.

Absolutely got it. You've got 40 pats. You've got 40 pats. You've got butter pats You've got 40 40 pats You've got You've got butter There's butter Lube it up You are given

At the start of the game One million pound Right So I lube my cheeks With butter pats And then I ask a cow To come and lick it You've got 40

Is it the million pound Bull lick Does the cow Have a rough tongue Salty bollocks He has a rough tongue It's all raspy On my balls.

I understand the rules of this. I feel like I've played it before for about 40 minutes. 20 and I didn't record. Which is why we're doing it again. We're all a bit salty, ladies and gentlemen. So, you have 40 pats piles of 25k. 40 pats. You have 40 pats.

You have the pats, yes. Don't attack me or walk out. Don't attack me or I'll get scared. Come on, Davina. Talk Davina down. Don't have a salty vagina, Davina. You have 40 25k

batches of cash there. £25,000 in 40 bundles. Yes, bundles. Which you will spread across the four potential answers that are available to you per question. For the first three... four rounds. All right.

And then it goes down to three, and then it goes down to two for the last question. Okay, are we ready? There will be eight questions in all. Shall we get going and play the million pound drop? Let's do that, Vajayna. Let's do that! Let's do that! Here's your first question and again

here's you've got your question and four possible answers so here we go good luck to you both Eli and Ash by the way there is a forfeit

for every 200 grand you lose you will have a forfeit being for Eli and a drop of hot pepper sauce for Ash again so you are playing seriously now on this throwing Eli if we're playing seriously,

can we just double check we're fucking recording? Yes, we are. It's not flashing. It's recording. We're good to go. So here's your first question. Are you ready, team? Let's go.

Where's my timer gone? Where'd you put me? You fuckstick. Don't you touch my egg timer. I'll slap your hands. And we refer to it as the eggy woofter. Eggy woofter Here we go

Which of these actresses Has not been One of King Kong's women In the movies? Oh this is good This is good Is it Janet Leigh Fay Wray

Naomi Watts Or Jessica Lange? One of those Was not in a King Kong film I know the answer Definitely Okay The answer is Janet Leigh Is it Janet Leigh? One of those was not in a King Kong film. I know the answer. Definitely. Okay, cool.

The answer is Janet Leigh. Is it Janet Leigh? Are you prepared to stake all of your cash on that one? That's fine, yeah. Talk us through your thinking, Eli. Why? Janet Leigh is the star of Psycho, and it was the mum of... Whose mum was she?

Sarah. Sarah Kate. No, shut up, Christopher. No. Jamie Lee Christopher no Jamie Lee Curtis Jamie Lee Curtis thank you Fay Wray was the original how damn rich

is this if you're not going to add anything to the game then don't play you'll just get a big gob full of hot sauce that's gross is that a promise

why are you so rude and I'll put it on my toe and you'll have to suck it off my toe do you want to hear my thinking yeah Davina

yes yes I do Fay Wray is I know for a fact was in the original 1930 it on my toe and you have to suck it off my toe do you want to hear my thinking yeah Davina yes yes I do Fay Wray I know for a fact was in the original 1930 yeah I believe

Naomi Watts was the star of the I'm going to turn the eggie woofter over so you can speak faster the weirdly

the one with the remake from 77 was it yeah that was Jessica Lange and it had Jeff Bridges in yeah and I know that Naomi Watts was in the Peter Jackson so your confidence put your whole mill the remake from 77 was it yeah that was Jessica Lange and it had Jeff Bridges in yeah

and I know that Naomi Watts was in the Peter Jackson so your confidence put your whole mill yes on A well let's

find out it's all riding it's all riding absolutely delighted happy for me to do this yep alright is it

Jessica Lange bow is it Faye Ray bow is it C. Naomi Watts Lang? Bao. Is it Fay Wray? Bao. Is it C, Naomi Watts?

Bao. You are correct. It was Janet Amon. I'm not high-fiving you. I'm playing

against you. Davina got absolutely One down, seven to go. Here is your next question. Again,

doing well on your first round. Okay, what is a dowser looking for is it A. rainbows B. water

C. ghosts or D. stars it's water you're very confident yes put it all on water you're gonna put it all on B.

yeah water the mill all on B yeah all on water we'll skip the. The mill, all on B. All on water. We'll skip the doors, because obviously it's meant to be trap doors, but it's flimsy as fuck and it breaks every time we touch it, so I'm going to make mouth sounds. Okay.

So let's just skip now to get through this. Is the answer B, water? Boing! Yes. Correct. It was right. You've got your mill. That's two down, six to go.

Round of applause, ladies and gentlemen. Question number three. It's very exciting. Two more questions in this round. Here is your third. I've still got a mil. Are you ready? You've got the whole mil, babe.

How many to go? Six to go. Six in all, but here are two in this round. This game will be lasting for eternity. Here is question number three. It will be talking if you keep interrupting with your facile, ignorant comments. I'm Davina McCart. Doctor Who is the name of the title of this round. Doctor Who?

Yeah, Doctor Who. Just said it. Yeah. Who is the longest serving doctor? Is it William Hartnell? Is it Patrick Troughton? Is it C. John Pertwee? Or D, Tom Baker?

Who is the longest serving doctor? You have 30 seconds to make your mind up now. I've never seen Doctor Who. I think we put half on Baker. You're going to put half a mil on Baker. Half on Pertwee. No, I don't think Troughton for some reason. Burt Troughton.

Burt Troughton, yeah. I like Troughton. Patrick Troughton. I'm putting half on Baker. Yeah. And then splitting the other two halves. Yeah? Yeah.

On Troughton and Pertwee. No. Oh. A is William Hartnell. B is Troughton. C is Pertwee. D is Baker. I think Pertwee didn't last long.

Oh, okay. I don't know. I've never seen that. I think Pertwee didn't last long. So. I've got don't know. I've never seen... I think Pertwee didn't last long, so... I've got to be honest and say I have no idea, and I'm sorry. Okay. Here, this is in front of Baker. So that's in front of D.

He's put... How much on D? Half a mil. Half a mil on D. What are you going to do with the other half? You've got about, I don't know, 10 seconds. I've got a quarter on Troutman. A.

And a quarter on... That's B. A. And a quarter on... That's B, sorry. And then quarter on... What are the other two? You've got A left and C. So William Hartnell is A, C is Pertwee. Hartnell. Quarter on Hartnell. So you've put money on A, B and D.

You've put half a mil on D, which is Tom Baker. Computer. What is the answer? Was it William Hartnell? So you've lost that. You've lost that. You've lost however much that money was. That was £2,250,000.

I hope it's not Pertwee, because then we're out. Is it Patrick Troughton? No, it's not So you've lost Another 250 This could be it So Was it C

John Pertwee So yes D is correct It was Tom Baker You have half a mil left That's a lot of money There's a lot of biscuits We can buy with that And one hot drop for you

And one bean for you At the end of this First round Okay Alright for you at the end of this first round. Okay, okay, okay. All right. Okay, this is the end of this first round of having four trapdoors available to you. And the question is, the topic is... Let's just hope we can get through this quick. Numbers!

After your topic, here's the question. Which of these is the highest amount? Is it A, sextillion? Is it A, sextillion? Is it B, nonillion? Is it C, tredecillion? Or is it D, vigintillion? Is it A, sextillion? B, nonillion?

C, tredecillion? Or D, vigintillion? These are proper words I just read, I swear to you. Is it A, B, C, or D? I'm going to leave it on the flap. Well, I don't think it's going to be C. And 30 seconds on the eggy woofter begin now. What did you think right from the top?

I think Trekkadillion. Yeah, I think either C or D. Should we split it between C and D? Yeah. All right. So you're going for either Trecadillion

or Viginillion Vigitillion. Yeah? It would be three though wouldn't it? Tree. Yeah but you So you're going with

C and D yeah? Tredicillion or Vigintillion? Yes. Yeah? Right. Let's find out

When's this game over I need to shit. So you're going to put half of that Yes. Yeah? Right, let's find out. When's this game over? I need to shit. So you're going to put half of that on C and half of it on D, yeah? Yes. Right. Was it A, sextillion? We're still alive.

Is it B, nonillion? Oh yeah. Is it C? Survived. Tre, nonillion? Oh, yeah. Is it C, trekkadillion? It was D, vigintillion. So you have lost. You need to give me what, 250? Give me 250 of your cash. I'm going to put it down the hole.

It's a lot of money still. We've still got a lot of money. We're still doing great. How much have you got left after that first round of four questions? About 250,000. But we need another... Are you ready? This is where you've got three options now going into the next round. And you've already lost enough to eat three dots of hot sauce for you and three beans for Eli. I don't want to, though.

I don't want to. Here we go. The topic is astronomy. And the question is this. How often does Halley's Comet pass the Earth? Is it 75 months, 75 years or 75 decades? 75 years. You've got 30 seconds to guess now. 75 years.

75 years. You're going to put it all on B then. 250 grand on 75 years. Yes we are. Then you are... Correct. 250 grand on 75 years. Yes we are. Then you are correct. You're having a stroke. It's all that heroin. Right, here we go. Ready? Here is question number six out of eight. Let's hope we get another easy one. Exciting. Food is the topic. Here we go. What feeling were crunchy chocolate bars advertised as giving you? What

feeling? Is it frisky feeling, A, B, friendly feeling, or C, Friday feeling? Yeah, you're going to put 250 on that? Yeah. Let's find out if you're correct. Is it A, is it B?

It comes down to a 50-50 choice, doesn't it? At the end of the question. I'm doing the Turkey Bad song. Davina's flapping her wind tunnel. Is it C? There you go. Excellent. You've got your 250. We've still got it. This is question seven of eight. Here we go. Just got to survive this question. Which of these artists painted the most self-portraits?

Is it A, Rubens? Is it B, Renoir? Or is it C, Rembrandt? Rembrandt's known for his self-portraits. Here we go, 30 seconds. I do not know fine art, so Rembrandt. It's Rembrandt. And he did that song, didn't he, as well?

What song? I'll be there for you when the rain starts to fall. See, I didn't even join him in on that because I was poor. Or he did... Very poor. It was over that. Very poor. You should stop.

What's the pun? I don't even get the pun. Oh, they were called the Rembrandts. You see? Very poor. Very... No. They're friends, man.

Yeah. Thank you. You want to put it all on Rembrandt. Yes. Yeah? He's famous for his self-portraits. No, no. The Friends one. Yeah. Thank you. You want to put it all on Rembrandt. Yes. Yeah? He's famous for his self-portraits.

Perhaps the greatest self-portraits in the canon of Western art. Which of these artists painted the most self-portraits? Here we go. Was it Rubens? I don't even know what that means when you make that noise. It means bad because it goes. What is good? At the end. You sound like a demented chicken. That's the idea. Is it C? I don't even know what that means when you make that noise. It means bad because it goes... What is good?

You sound like a demented chicken. That's the idea. Is it C, Renoir? Or is it C, Rembrandt? This is it. We've got to the end with 250 grand. Yeah. Here we go. Here is your final question.

The scenario is 50-50 now. Worst case scenario. Here we go. Right, here's your last case scenario It's 50-50 now Worst case scenario Here we go Right here's your last question So what I have to pick one Yeah But I'll let

I'll tell you what I'll give you a choice Based on topics Yeah You can pick a topic Right Do you want to pick a topic Based on

Animation Or do you want The topic to be Travel Animation The question is this Who says There There There Do you want the topic to be travel? Animation. The question is this. Who says... What's up, Dad?

There, there, there, there. That's all, folks. At the end of every or most Looney Tunes cartoons. Is it A, Porky Pig, or B, Daffy Duck? We've won 125 grand each. Wait. Wait, what are you putting on? Porky Pig.

You're putting it on porky pig. Porky pig. Let's find out. Is it a porky pig? No. No. No. It is correct.

You have won. How much money? 250 grand. 250 grand which means you only have to have two dollops of hot sauce and you have to have two beans from the box which I will pick. Right, so you fix him the hot sauce

again. He's going to go for a different kind. It's very exciting. That was a thrilling round but you lost early quite a lot through sheer awfulness we didn't know anything about

Doctor Who no you didn't know anything about Britain yeah that's the biggest problem I find they got wiped off yeah

that was the original game that you forgot to record yeah they fucked it they were like it's definitely got to be way over it's near to the Isle of Man but you didn't record

so it was fine no but it doesn't matter but I'm still telling you now what the embarrassment it was. You shat the bed so early on. I'm telling them now. I'm Davina McColl. It's all right if you shit the bed and no one finds out. I'm Davina McColl.

A million pound drop. You've done very well. You're going home with... How much that was? £125,000 each. Right, so he's back from the dirty kitchen with two drips of... What is it, Eli? This is Encona.

Kind of standard, probably not as hot as the last one, but more vinegary. Yeah, but he's a big baby so it might be hot for him. There's like an actual pepper seed on that one. Alright, go on. Alright, come on down. You've got enough water for afterwards.

Fuck it, Laura! Oh! Oh! Oh! I was going to say this. Come on. I was going to say this. Ash, you're it.

Come on, it's fine right and while he's suffering and doing impressions of fucking mutley here is your two beans what are they yellow

yellow lemon or rotten cheese I'm sorry I'm sorry man was that worse than the first one right sorry right here we go so

what colours have you got there yellow why did you lie and cat food alright okay which one do you want to go first cat food

alright go for it cola oh lucky cola comes up twice what's the next one nice that yeah it's nice the cola one actually I think we've killed Ash.

He doesn't look happy. This could be rotten cheese, yeah? Yeah, lemon or rotten cheese. Lemon. Oh, you've gone off lightly. What a fucking shame. What a shitting shame. Right.

My eyelids are sweating. Well, congratulations. You won £250,000, which is not real, but congratulations. My esophagus. Anyway, while we get medical attention

sent to Ash as soon as possible, why don't you listen to these messages from our sponsors. There's a naughty habit. Naughty? See, habit? No. Oh, well, blitz yourselves.

Fresh cream cakes,ughty But nice Thank you very much sponsors And welcome back ladies and gentlemen to It's the final section of The Cheap Show TV show board game special And how is Ash doing at this point? I'm sweating from my nose hair Good, good I like to see you're on the podcast You're part of the show now You must suffer and how is Ash doing at this point I'm sweating from my nose good good

I like to see you you're on the podcast you're part of the show now you must suffer part of the family yeah that's why we like it now

it's like his baptism isn't it I'm glad I didn't have to baptism what does that mean baptism you said baptism anyway we're doing our third

and final game and we're doing a little bit different we're all mucking in for this one and we're playing Britain's Got Talent. Yes. So here's how it's going to go. There's a board here. You start there. You go to the end.

But we're going to put a timer on this for, I think, 20 minutes, I reckon. 25 minutes? What do you think the timer should be for this whole game? 20. Okay, let me set the time. So we're going to play the board game. Where you start, we'll start, head to the end, but because you've got a timer,

we're going to see who gets the furthest round the board before the timer ends. And the arrows at the back, losers. How many should the loser eat in terms of beans, or if it's you, hot sauce? What can we all agree with? Two beans. Two beans and two drops.

Two drops. There we go. That's what the loser has to deal with. Now, how do we get? Two beans. Two beans and two drops. Two drops. There we go. That's what the loser has to deal with. Now, how do we get around the board? Well, it's simple. We perform games and acts and bits of, quote unquote, talent. There are cards here. I'm going to shuffle them.

Each card has six options on, right? My bottom's hot. I don't care about your bottom. I think about it a lot, but in this instance, it's pure game night. Six talents. Take one from the top. You have three choices from the card that you pick. Pick one.

Each one's got a code. You enter it into the machine. This machine here, it's a big blue thing with a button on. I'm going to turn it on. And this blue thing with three crosses on lights up. We enter the difficulty and the length of the scene you must do based on the choice that you make off the card. And then if the time runs out or if you get buzzed out...

I'm explaining it really well. It's just protracted. So if you perform, say, Ash, me and Eli judge you. You have either up to 40 seconds to do your thing, and if you get through, it will go off, you win, and then it will tell you how many points or moves around the board you go. However, if me and Eli don't like what you're doing,

we buzz you. And once you get three Xs, you're out, and you get a score, and it tells you how around the board you go. Does that make sense? It's just on your opinion about how I'm doing well yeah we'll judge you this is fucking bullshit

we'll judge you so who wants to what colour little cone do you want that goes round the board we have yellow red orange

blue black I would like red I would like red alright Eli gets red put him on start what colour would you like

yellow red you can't have red black oh I like his heart and I'm going gonna go for yellow I'm gonna go with yellow because why not

right piss colour are we ready to play ladies and gentlemen I hate this who wants to go first I hate this game who wants to go first

I'll go first alright yeah yeah okay I'm gonna shuffle the cards spread them out just say stop when you want me to stop

stop alright okay top card pick any one of these three talents out it's say stop when you want me to stop. Stop. Alright, okay. Top card. Pick any one of these three talents out. It's completely up to you. Remember, you can play strategically. The harder or the longer the talent... Who wants to stop the other two people just being dicks? Well, no, we're going to judge

accordingly. If he does a brilliant Bruce Forsyth impression, I want to see how it ends. Okay. But if he ends up doing, like, I don't know, racist Chinese voice, it's this, this, this, and he's out, alright? Okay. We're going to be fair, because you get voted for by this machine, so we have no control over the points. My ears itch. Don't care. You lost, and you've had to eat hot sauce.

I'm very aroused by all of these facts. My teeth hurt. So, Eli, have you picked a talent yet from A, B, or C? What would you like to do? B. What is B? What is B? Tell us what B is. And your talent is, I am a comedian. It's going to be hard.

It's going to be hard for him. Yeah, go on. What does it ask you to do? A couple of jokes to get you started. So they give me some jokes. So I just do this. No, no, wait till we start. Go on.

Is that all it is? Okay, so what is the code? B2. B2. B2. Are you ready to begin? Yes. Here we go. If we don't like it, we buzz, okay?

You begin now. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Listen. He's got 40 seconds. I'll tell you what. Tell you what. Don't spend two pounds. I don't know if I like the voice.

To dry clean a shirt. Yeah. Just donate it to Oxfam and then they'll clean it and put it back on a hanger next morning it's like John Lennon

has a stroke buy it back for 50p one buzzer three no you'll love this fucking just give us a give us a chance

alright go on one light already give me a fucking chance one light already my fucking wife didn't what the fuck does that even mean his wife didn't. What the fuck does that even mean? His wife didn't give him a chance.

She didn't give me a chance. She threw me out this morning. No, wait! That's it, I can only do two. Fucking wait! Three... Oh! He got three.

Yeah, but let's see how many points he gets. Your score is five. Five? Thank you very much. So you have to go five spaces around the board. So which one's you, Red? Let me just say this. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He slides up to the bar and he says, I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. Fucking hell. I would have buzzed on that. You should have buzzed. We should have ended this. No. That's an embarrassment.

Five, one, two, three, four, five. There you go. Booyaka shakada. Right. Oh, this makes me so uncomfortable, this game. Whose fucking goal is it? I find this very uncomfortable. Why?

Because it's your actual job. It's my actual job and I can't do it. I wouldn't know what to say to both of you. Yeah, but don't worry about it because you won't have to do that one. That card is now out the game. Yes. So, do you want to go next? Yes.

All right, here we go. Say stop. All right, there's your Yes. So, do you want to go next? Yes. All right, here we go. Say stop. All right, there's your three. Pick any three you want. Any one. Any one from that three you want. I'm really fucking bad at describing rules. Okay.

Which one are you going to go for? C. Yeah? I am a Bruce Forsythe impersonator. Oh, for fuck's sake. You called it. What's the code? It is C3.

Three, so you get quite a long time. Are you ready to begin? I don't know what he sounds like. Are you ready to begin? Your time starts now. Oh, are you? Good game. Good game, good game.

Are you Miss World? Show me your tits. Oh, you were going to press that. Oh, no. That's two. Oh, hang on. Oh, Eli gets his second and he's out. Your score is three.

Yes. Three? That was a fucking appalling... Paul, he should have got three for that. It sounded like that guy. It sounded like Michael Crawford. He was doing an obetting thing, wasn't he? It's very difficult. Yeah, it was.

I'm awful. I'll show you how to do it. Fucking horrendous. Lovely. That's horrendous. I took three points by the way if it's one

it's 20 seconds if it's two it's 40 and if it's three you get 60 seconds that's the time difference and ABC is just difficult A easy

C hardest right you shuffle those and I'll say stop and you hand me the top one alright just fucking shuffle it the whole way just keep chopping it

gladly take three points just stop give me the top one Give me the top one. Give me the top one. What are you fucking doing? Stop it. Stop it.

It's like he's a crampier. Yeah, he's a crampier. No, I just... Right, that one. Right. Right, I've got three to choose from. Right. Potentially very racist.

Okay, I've got one. It is... And your talent is... I can hum the Mission Impossible theme tune whilst on a pretend mission The code is C 3 I'm gonna get up for this. You ready? Yeah I'm gonna use a kazoo. Here we go. Begin. He said hum

I can hum through a kazoo. I can hum through a kazoo. You're not allowed a kazoo. I can I want to do it I don't want you to do it. I'm humming. Let me do it. Alright. I'm climbing and running. I'm climbing and running. No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! How did he get the same as you? Because it was harder. He had to make a lot of effort there, yeah. That was amazing. He wasn't doing a mission.

He wasn't humming and he wasn't doing a mission. No, it was shit. I was doing a mission. I was climbing a rope. I jumped in. You were climbing a rope? My go. Right, okay, I'll shuffle.

I shuffle because you, no, stop you shuffling. You can't shuffle your own deck. Let me shuffle. No. This is a fix. It's not a fix because the machine fixes it. It's a game with no strategy or skill. Well, not you. That's no skill.

Right, say stop when you want. Stop when I want. Here is your card. Pick from one of those three. We have 15 minutes left. Have you picked one? Yes. And what are you going to do?

I can recreate the Countdown Quiz theme music and its famous clock sound. Is that it? Yes. What's the code? A1. A? One. When you're ready to begin, you can begin.

Are you ready? Yes. Go. Go. There's no effort. There's no emotion. Yeah. See? What am I going to do for the next 30 seconds? There's no effort, there's no emotion. Yeah, see. What am I going to do for the next 30 seconds?

No, don't help him. It's all over. All over. Your score is two. Two. And quite right. He didn't do the tune properly. He did it.

It was fucking awful. Right. Kept thinking of Buckbusters. How does that go? Right. I would not have buzzed if you'd done that. Yeah. Say stop when you want and pick a talent card.

Here's your top one. You've got three to choose from. Which one are you going to go for, Mr Frith? I'm going to do I am a noughts and crosses expert. Okay. Play each judge

at noughts and crosses and remain unbeaten. Make sure you go first in each game. How are we going to do that? We haven't got a pen. We must remember where we've gone.

That's shit. We can't do that. We haven't got a pen and paper. Here we go. I'll change it. All right, change it to one we can maybe do. It is, I can recognise disguised laugher. I must cover my back, cover my back, turn my back,

and get the judges to randomly give a disguised laugh and then try and identify which one of you is doing the laugh. Okay, that's fine. That is B3. Do you want to use the poo tie to blindfold yourself? No. Okay, what was the code again? B3. Do you want to use the poo tie to blindfold yourself? No. Okay, what was the code again? B3. B3.

And your time starts now. We're going to go over here. Who was that? That was you, Paul. Oh, Okay. That was you Paul. That's Eli. That's Paul. Oh, it's all over. Wait, let's see how much he gets.

Your score is five. Five? Holy shit. One, two, three, four, five. Wow. That puts you in the lead at the point my turn Ash can shuffle this time

and I'll pick one for MASH did I get it wrong? no he did alright why did I get three puzzles then? because we hate you yeah we hated you yeah we hate you

tell me when to stop I hate success stop okay three talents which one do I choose? okay I'm going to go with this one

I can play Eurovision Song Contest tunes okay Okay, three talents, which one do I choose? Okay, I'm gonna go with this one. I can play Eurovision Song Contest tunes, okay? I bet you can't. I bet I can't. What's the score? The code is C, three. Ready? Let me guess, is there a kazoo? No, I'm not gonna, I'm gonna do it kazoo-less, all right?

I'm starting. Begin now. You know you've really got to speed it up speed it up slow it down slow it down you're gonna make it

run around I want to see his nuts getting your trousers off making your pants off congratulations I want to see his nuts celebrations pints off congratulations oh you fucker I was going to do Waterloo next you're going to get it out

which I wanted to see for the Bucks your score is five what are they talking about two three four that puts me

comfortably in the lead. And we have how many minutes left? Ten minutes. It's very exciting. Eli, say stop when you want. Here you go. Next card.

Which one's he going to go for? He's having a ponder. There are some props in here. So you might get a prop that helps you. Okay. You know, you've got some balls. You've got a kazoo. You've got some cups and a fake microphone.

I'm fine. Some cards. I can recreate the sounds of nature. Oh, this looks good. Yeah. All right. This has got to be worth five points. This has got to be worth...

What's the code? B2. When you're ready, yeah? Begin. When you're ready, yeah, begin. What's that? Wind, I think. Maybe I want to hear some birds.

I want to hear something. I want to hear some more than just that. Twitch. No. What? That's not... That was good, that was good. Give me a bit of danger. Moo. That's not That was good Give me a bit of danger Moo That's a

Cow now And a tiger Oh that was good Some people Some people in the countryside Haven't heard of that Here we go Your score is

Four Oh four Because I was bloody good Fuck that. He's moved me forward four. Right. Did he move you forward four? One, two, three, four.

Move red. So you just won ahead of me now. Then behind me, two spaces behind, is Ash. But if it all changed, let's find out what you want to do. It's totally random, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it's a bullshot game. At least it's fair random.

Here you go. Take a card. No one's going to beat the it? Yeah. Yeah, it's a bull's shot game. At least it's fair random. Here you go. Take a card. No one's going to beat the sound of the sea that I was making at the beginning of that. Mate, it's lame. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know what you're doing. I wasn't doing it in my accent. Yeah. Have you got one yet? I can catch balls with a spoon. Right, well. He's got the chilli sauce spoon.

Here are the balls. Don't do that, that will start stinging your nose. Here are the balls, right? Is it even possible to catch a ball? Well, you said you're going to do it. What's the code? A2. I just get all the time. Two. Ready?

And begin. Shit. Missed it. I'm going to buzz for everyone you missed. That's two you've missed. Oh, is that going to work? He caught it in his hand.

I'm going to go like that for that. What do you think? Is that cheating? Is that fucking awful? You can vote, remember? No. It's impossible.

You went for too small a ball. Try with two spoons. Here. Stereo spoonage. He's going to throw a ball. Just's impossible. You went for too small a ball. Try with two spoons. Here. Stereo spoonage. He's going to throw a ball. Just be aware. This is the big finale. Just be aware that, Ash, that is my dick spoon.

So, you know. Here we go. Two spoons, one cup. Hooray! Thank you. Right, here we go. What have you voted? Your score is four.

Four? Pretty good. I've dropped a pole on that. We'll get them all later. Takes me to the lead. Right, so it's my go. Whoever goes last is going to win. My go.

Not necessarily, if you get through it quickly. I honestly feel like catching the ball shouldn't have induced a... God, I'm fat. Take my belt off. Right, go on. Stop. Stop. It's that bloody fucking thing that you made us eat, Ash. At the end of the last episode. That's good for you. Come on. Stop.

It's full of goodness. Here we go. It's got all your vitamins. Right, I can't do that one. Okay, here we go. Ready? Eli just took something out of my hands and put it on the table like it was my dad's. My talent is I am a cartoon bird impersonator.

The code is C... 2. And I can begin right now. Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name's Paul Gannett. There's one thing I'm known for, it's my bird impressions of the cartoon variety. No, I haven't done it yet. Fuck off. No, I don't like the preamble.

Shut up, I haven't done impressions yet. Don't get angry. Don't't like the preamble. Shut up. I haven't done a press yet. Don't get angry. Don't tell me. We're here for you. Don't tell the judges to fuck off. We're here to give you an opportunity. Fluckering Fluckertash. And that's done. And then, what do you want? Your score is three. Three.

One, two, three. You fucking sabotaged that. I was trying to be professional. I thought it was harsh. I was harsh? Yeah, you were really harsh. It was bullshit. You hadn't let me do a single bird impression.

It did turn into bullshit, to be fair. You should have let me do at least one bird impression before you voted. Your intro was weak, dog. Fucking hell. I had five seconds to set up my stall. Right. It's Eli's go. Where are the cards?

Eli took them off me. Right, here we go. You've been fiddling. You've been fiddling all show. Yeah. Say stop. My tummy feels hot. Here we go. Good. You'll get there. We have five and a half minutes left of Britain's Got... I can speak in a number of different English accents. Oh, here we go.

What's the code? English dialect. Yeah, what's the code? B3. B3. When you want to begin, just say it and I'll press the button. Begin. Hello there. That Welsh.

Oh, no, it's Scottish. Hello. Oh, hello. Mate, it's my fucking turn to do it. What the fuck's this? You're fucking picking up. No, I tell you what, we'll just say Dorset. Hello there, lover. Mate, it's my fucking turn to do it. What the fuck's this? You'll fucking pick it up.

No, I tell you what, we'll just say Dorset. Hello there, lover. Hello, you. Oh, yeah. No, don't. Irish. Don't do that to me. Irish.

Nah, right now, I'm going there. Hoody doody do. Jodie. All right, all right. What are you... Fuck. He did a thread. I'm not happy with that you're a bitch oh you treated me roughly

your score is five fuck off what five it gives you a better score because it knows everyone's going to be mean

with the bat I think that was very harsh I thought when you right Ash's go I liked that say when Ash I didn't like it

say when I loved it oh okay say when Ash I didn't like it say when I loved it oh okay say when that was really hack that was really hack line that's what I'm known for in the industry

Ash Hackfrith yeah yeah Ash the hack man where did you learn to whisper in a helicopter I can't remember I don't come to your work

and knock the cock out of your mouth right here we go I can hear you this isn't the television yeah pick a card quick Right, here we go. I can hear you. This isn't the television. Yeah. Pick a card, quick. Yeah.

Right. Here you go, have that one. Thank you. Pick one of those three to use, quick. Hold on. I'm just... And the buzzer goes off, whereas last on has to do theirs.

So pick one, pick one, pick one, pick one, pick one. I am a Tom Jones impersonator. Right, what's the code? C3. Go. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a Tom Jones impersonator. Right, what's the code? C3. Go. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a Tom Jones impersonator, Ash Frith. That's French. That's French.

Baby, it's cold outside. I've really got to go. Baby, it's cold outside. Please let me leave. Baby, it's cold outside Please let me leave Baby it's cold outside Don't go I don't want to go But please let me out

It's really very cold Baby it's cold outside I don't want to leave Baby it's cold outside That's it, fuck off Your score is. Fuck off. Your score is five. Fuck off.

Is that one? I'm black. No, you're not black. I am. I was clearly black. No, I was... You fucked this. I put him instead of me. You fucked this.

You fucked it. Could you move the wrong spaces, you fucking useless hair of shit? Calm down. I've sorted it. You moved the wrong spaces you fucking useless hair of shit! To calm down, I've sorted it. You're in the back and we're both up there. Two minutes left. Can I just say, Ash, you should have gone... Sex bomb, sex bomb, I'm your sex bomb. You can do it to me when you put it in my bag. Sex bomb, sex bomb up I really must go You can do it to me

Maybe it's cold outside Right, it's time for me to do mine, okay? What's new, pussycat? That's good, I like that Pussycat, pussycat I love you Right, my talent Sex bomb

Shut up! Shut up I Shut up. I'm a sex bomb. Fucking hell. But baby, it's cold outside. You can do it to me when I need to come along. Right, my talent is I'm a detective, TV detective impersonator, right? So it is code C.

Three. And I'm beginning my scene Just one more thing You came into the living room The other day with the zim and the zam And the bish and the bosh Zim and the zam, this is cultural appropriation Zim and the zam, that's not

What do you think, Hercule Poirot? The little grey hairs Are tingling And the little grey cells are quite... But I think Colonel Hastings, that we must look underneath before we can see above the crime. What about you, Inspector Clouseau?

Well, it's basically the same accent, so I'm going to just do this one as well. Whoopsie-daisyisy I fell down on my bottom Kato no you fool hiya smash who loves you baby

I'm a cap I am Sherlock Holmes and I have solved the crime can I do a golden buzzer it's not it's elementary dear Watson.

When, hey! What did I get? It's gotta be more than five. Your score is eight. Eight! Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Right, oh God. That was good.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. All right, well let's hang on. You're the first person to survive the three bells as well. You have won, Paul. You have won. I have won. Britain's Got Talent. You were brilliant.

You deserved it. He's taking his chances off. I win and I remove the pants. Yes, I wanted to see that. Look at this. Thanks for that, Paul. Nice. Look at this.

Gannon's Got Talent. Look at this. Oh, no look at this I'm going to Paul Gannon's got talent look at this oh no he's grabbing his oh no he touched it he touched it he touched it

oh come on I've got to turn this off oh oh no no however we've got a problem there's a draw between you both so you should do one more you should do one round each

to see who wins ready to see who wins. Ready? To see who comes last, it's between you and Ash. Here we go. You say stop when you want. Stop. Here we go. Pick one from there.

What are you going to pick? If it's anything like that last round, I've got no chance. Oh, I won that. That was great. That was a powerhouse end. Yeah, you did really well. Good. Thank you.

I can impersonate various characters from science fiction television series. Ooh, what's the code? C-3. C-3. He's trained tactically, because that's a high-scoring thing if you can get it. Are you ready? Three, two, one. Go.

Captain's log. Star date. Let's give him some time. Star date 2065 Hello Well that's the year Some extremely Buxom aliens

I shagged them Here's Spock Hello Kirk I don't know what voice I do I am Mark Oh that's it it's all over hang on

your score is five five that's a strong score I've got no chance I'm getting some more hot sauce

you don't know so you're going to have to think tactically because for this last card you're going to have to go for a hard one

there's no way I'm getting five you don't know I'm surprised I got eight you could get anywhere between five'm surprised I got eight. You could get anywhere between five and eight. You got eight because you survive without the three things.

Yeah, well, if he survives, what are you going to go for? I can give great yet cringy award acceptance speeches. Right. Here we go. What's the code? C3. C. Three.

When you're ready to begin just say now just want to say it's been an amazing pleasure and a privilege

to be on Cheap Show for the last few episodes you guys people I look up to Eli especially with his

I'm not fucking having that with his house of pickles he invited me into his home and I am inspired by Paul

I know that Eli so now you've picked him off you shouldn't be baiting as a team they work so well they both call

each other cunts and I just think just having the opportunity what award have you won I need more detail about the award the award of best

podcast was cheap shows. And just to be... He's sucking up. I guess he is being cringy, though. I wish I could give more on Patreon than I do at the moment. But because my mum died, I can find it very difficult. That's it.

Let's see what you get. You've got to beat five to win. Your score is six. Oh! Oh, is it great? We've never had a six given. I can't believe that. And at the end of Britain's Got Talent.

He's a dirty, stinking bean. You've got to eat two beans. I'll let Ash. You can pick any two beans from the bag that you want to give to him. I've done all right on the beans so far. I'm not... These are going to be nasty, aren't they? Both...

I reckon they're both going to be nasty. You've both been very, very lucky. Yeah. What did you eat? Did you just eat a bean for fun? I didn't even think when I put it in my mouth, but luckily it turned out to be lemon, so I'm all right. But I wasn't thinking.

I just went, ah, piggy face. God, did you smell the bag? I know. Right. So you've got either what? Blood? You've got blood or what? Cat food and cola? Or the bag? I know. Right, so you've got either what? Blood? You've got blood or what? Cat food and cola?

I don't know. It's hard to tell the shade. What is that? Yeah, cat food and cola. Yeah, all right. Do you want that little cup thing? Stop trying to... To spit into, just in case.

I don't need to. Here we go. Here we go. Red first. That's strawberry. Oh, for fuck's sake. It's not bad, is it? not bad is it no not quite nice right

last one wouldn't it be great if I got off without tasting one bad bean yeah it would be let's see what you get with the last one what is it

caramel oh fair play all's fair in love and cheap show TV show

board game show special show well that's it we've all played valiantly and I think we could all end tonight by being very proud of our wins

and our losses thank you so much we did quite well there I mean I was worried at the start that it'd be like a Noel Edmonds game show and end

oh we've got Noel to come there's a Noel coming sometime in the future you may be here for it you may not but Noel's on the horizon

and we're going to do one last Noel but that's all for another time because it's time to say goodbye on the TV show game show

board game show board game show cheap show board show game show thank you for having me I've had a lovely day

it's been lovely having you here and taking part in all these episodes not only this one Eli where can they find you on Twitter they can find me at

Eli Snowden do you know how that is spelt Paul E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D that's correct and I am Paul Gannon Show on Twitter

how can they find you Ash yes at Ash Frith is my Twitter handle I do a podcast with the comedian Justin Panks called Pranks and Firth

podcast lots of cheap show listeners listen and support us and I just feel like they're just the best people no no no

no no no I'm going to say to the Patreon patrons I will lube my fingers and finger myself fair play I mean that's fine

I just will alright fine that's separate I just will alright fine that's separate of any rewards but no thank you so much for being here it's been a pleasure thank you for being here

it's been lovely to have you and our fair weather friend must leave us once again I can't believe I said that next time I'm here

I'll bring another vegan snack like I did in the last episode and that's it you can go on Reddit and find us on Reddit reddit forward slash

r forward slash cheap show we've got a facebook page twitter is at thecheapshowpod pictures and videos and things that accompany this episode

will be on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk if you want to give us money on patreon you don't have to but if you want to that would be lovely you can go to

patreon.com forward slash cheap show and if you don't want to give us money on patreon that's also fine don't be upset about that

just share the podcast and tell other people about it and say how great it is that's all you need to do and that's it so that's it thank you for having

a lovely time thank you for playing blockbusters a million pound drop yes 25 grand and finally cheap shows got talent

goodbye everyone I remember remember if you can't if you can't bet And finally, Cheap Show's got talent. Oh, it does. Goodbye, everyone. I remember. If you can't bet on it, regret on it. Hello there. Welcome to the Cookability Roadshow. Music, dancing, and when we feel hungry, a little bit of cooking. a little bit of cooking that's great that's because gas is so easy yes and it's so much cheaper as well right meanwhile glenn is doing the famous milk test

nice one glenn yes and when it comes to cooking... I couldn't have put it better myself. Cheap Show will be back next week with more crass gags and economy comedy. But don't go anywhere, because coming up we have the smash hit sitcom Bobby's Mucky Flat. Oh, I'm all a bother. I'm all a bother. Vera. Yes, yes, yes, dear. Someone's just gone and broken the latrine. Not the latrine.

That's the favourite place where you take a poo. That's where I do my most important movement of the day. Well, it wasn't me. Well, it's broken. It's fucking cracked and the old piss water all spewing all over the place. Well, it wasn't me. It must be our Barry. It better not have been you because I will fucking maritimally abuse you.

Let's see what Barry's got to say. Our wayward son. Barry, come down here. Come down here, you little shit. Hello, Mama. Damn, my tummy hurts. Oh, God, it hurts so much. What have you been fucking putting in it? Bricks. I've been shitting bricks.

Barry, you're not to eat bricks anymore. You've wrecked your daddy's toilet. You took the bricks out of the fucking wall and it's laid some subsidence on the other side of the room. It's a bit complicated. Oh, it's subsided into the latrine. You fucking have. And I'm going to punish you the most severely

with this fucking belt. It'll be a blessed relief. Your trousers have fallen down. Oh, I cried. Take that. No. Vera. It's fucking exciting me sexually doing this.

I don't like it. Bobby, stop it. Stop it. He's dead, Bobby. He's dead, Bobby. You've killed Bobby you've killed your only son whoopsie gravy

that's it That'll do