CheapShow - Ep 81: Cockabonkers!

Episode Date: June 22, 2018

Aren't radio DJs amazing? Aren't they brilliant? With their wacky banter, comfy demeanor and desperate need to be loved... Paul & Eli cover 2 very different, but very infamous examples when they pick up a copy of the "Top of the Pops 1975 Annual" at a local charity shop and delve within its pages! Episode 81 also contains a marvellous Tales from the Shop Floor that, for once, doesn't contain human bum waste. There is even time for a Silverman's Platter... hosted by Paul!! But if he is charge of the music, how can bad can it possibly be? Put it one way, Eli is in a very naughty mood! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

That's living alright, that's living alright, when you're out in the town throwing money around, that's living alright. You do it! You do it! I'm not doing it. I'm not doing anything. That's living alright. This is not... Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I'm your host Paul Gannon, and with me, as always, is Eli Silverman. This is Cheap Show recorded live in Cambridgeshire, and it's coming to you today.

Enjoy the podcast. Hello. Eli Silverman. No, I've done the intro. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the Dark

How's the big guy? A fight of shite Let's go and say hello Eli Silver. Welcome to the show. I'm not going to nuzzle. Right. Hello.

Hello. Oh, I'm losing the will to live. Oh, yeah? Why? I don't know. I feel tired. Didn't you have that years ago, though? What?

Didn't you lose the will to live years ago? Why am I dead yet? Because you're hanging on. You're hanging on because you've got your fans now on Barshens and stuff. Oh, Mr. Eli, we love you. Oh, Mr. Eli, show us your hairy tum-tum. We want to hear you. Oh, you look like Ron Jeremy.

Oh, fuck off. I'd like to have sex with him. I bet he's all grizzly in bed. I bet he's all grizzly sexy in bed. Obviously, you've been reading them, though, have you? I haven't been reading anything's all grisly sexy in bed. Obviously you've been reading them though, have you? I haven't been reading anything. Have you? You've been reading them. You've been reading them. Scrolling down on the video. Eli's not

in this one. This down vote. Oh good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Good. I like that. Good. Good. More Eli. That's not what I do. More Eli. Oh yeah. I don't read the comments. Oh yeah. I bet you do. No I don't. You fucking do because you seem to read the ones that slag me off. I don't read the comments. Oh, yeah. I bet you do. No, I don't.

You fucking do, because you seem to read the ones that slag me off. I have a special only comments that flag Paul off filter. There was a great one in the recent episode where someone wrote, this was a fine episode until Paul the moron came and ruined it for everyone. And I was like, fair play. Fair play. Fair play. It was a gross drink.

So, what episode is this this is episode 81 81 81 81 81 uh and we've got a packed show okay for you coming up give me the lowdown here paul what's on the show today coming up on the show he's got me on board everyone we've got the intro and then we're going to do tales from the shop floor oh oh oh oh oh

Ella Ella Ella Paul is a cat And then we're going to do something a little bit different. We're doing Ganon's Platter. And then we've got something very special. I bought something in a charity shop, which we're going to investigate. And it's fascinating. It's the Top of the Pops annual from the 70s.

Wow. With some very interesting stories in it. Looking forward to that one. I don't know how it ends, that song. But it just did. That's what's coming up on the show today. He never used to play the end of it, did he? It must have had an end to that.

And at number one... Anyway. Is... Is that going to be usable? Matt Bianco. And Get Out of That Lazy Bed. I'm putting my sunglasses on. You fucking love it.

I can see myself in it. I look cool. I get up. I get up. I get up. Get out of that lazy bed. Before you go to school. The future's so bright, I have to wear shades, Paul.

Do you? I've got throstalgia. Throstalgia is a word I invented for when you like things in the future. Well, no, you feel a nameless yearning for things in the future. Something like that. Anyway, how are you doing?

Let's do a little bit of banter at the top of the show. You all right, mate? No. How are things since the future something like that anyway um how you doing let's do a little bit of banter at the top of the show you're right no how are things since the last episode nuts don't ask me how i'm doing then eat nuts as if you had no interest in how i'm doing well i don't this is all just you know banter in it people like a bit of banter i'm not all that bothered it's not called banter anymore i can't use that word what's it called chat chat why can't we use banter because banter signifies uh sort of racism and sexism does it yeah bants well that's it yeah it's all just bants isn't it oh you mean it's been a kind of it's been coerced by commoners yes that's what you're saying no you are putting

yourself a class above and saying i'm not putting myself anywhere i put myself in your bed when you're asleep go on and. And molest you. Right. That's funny. And you won't know. I might do. No one will have drugged you. This is incredibly dark.

Well, how do you know it hasn't happened already? Waking up with stretch marks near your arsehole? What the fuck? Yes, you have. Strange patches of KY jelly. There's no more banter on Team Show.

Yeah, you want banter? You want banter? Not this kind of banter. What kind of fucking banter do you want? Let's never say banter again. Right. Is that the intro? Yes.

God, it was poor. It's time for Tales from the Shop Floor. Floor, floor. No. What? It's just so creatively bankrupt around here. It's like I'm at the bank of creativity and there's just someone holding their palms up.

Stop eating nuts! I'm taking these. I'm trying to do a bit. You're shit. Right. Now, nuts have been put away. They're tasty nuts. They are. That's why they've got a high score. 31 points on the

League of Snacks. And crisps. Yeah, just don't do a fucking jingle. Let's just do Tales from the Shop Floor. Tales from the Shop Floor. I'm sure we had a really good jingle for it as well. Well, if you insist on fucking vamping a new thing every time we do a really good jingle for it as well. Well, if you insist on fucking vamping a new thing every time we do a segment, I'm going to say no to it, okay?

All right. And then we won't... You have to do the same jingle. We've got a jingle for Price of Shite. We've got a jingle for... We've got some Price of Shite. That's great. I wasn't listening, so I just jumped in.

And I thought I knew what was going on but I literally wasn't listening to you because I was looking for a Tales from the Shop Floor okay let's have the Tales from the Shop Floor excellent

so Tales from the Shop Floor is where we invite you can I read one today yeah you can do you want to read this one then yeah sure alright

so you read that one I'll read the second one off the laptop well explain what Tales from the Shop Floor is first it's where we invite our listeners to

give us stories if they have them of their time working in shops necessarily charity shops doesn't necessarily be any kind of shop it's become broader could be even just at work it could be yeah so we're broadening it but let's be honest we have discovered it's mostly a shit based story i would like to just say no where Where's the stories about wanking? Well, how funny you bring that up. Okay, good. So why don't you read. It's a wank one. Let's find out. Yeah. Hi

Paul. What about me? They know you don't have anything to do with this show outside of these moments. Do you send emails? Do you reply? Do you have access to the website? You don't do anything. If they don't mention my name in the intro, I'm going to be quite critical

of their grammar and so on. So, here we go. Hi, Paul. Yeah. And Eli implied. My name's, no apostrophe after the E.

Don't. It won't take. It'll take forever if you keep doing that. I'm a friend of Jasmine. Who? Jasmine is the lady who listens to the show.

She sent me the little Ouija board, you know, the little miniature Ouija board. Oh, very nice. Yeah, raven underscore elf, I think, on Twitter. Okay, so we've established. Astoundingly talented lady. His name is Pete, and he's a friend of Jasmine. Yeah.

And she said I should send this in to you as I have a Tales from the Shop floor. Excellent. Let's hear it. That's the little intro. Nice. That no one needed and missed me out. How floor. Excellent. Let's hear it. That's the little intro. Nice. That no one needed. And missed me out.

How funny. You could have then skipped it. I could have if I had read it. But I didn't. Because you just handed it to me. And you never do anything for the show other than turn up. All right. Say.

Bitch. Oh, what? And complain about how shit stuff is. Just saying. During the autumn of the year 2000. Yeah. I worked as a retail assistant for TJ Hughes in Eastbourne. Did they have TJ Hughes anymore?

Did it close? They did in 2000. It used to be like a C&A kind of store. I never even heard of that in my life. Maybe it's a northern thing. We had TJ Hughes growing up in Birkenhead. House of Fraser. Apparently House of Fraser's going down.

See? Did you know that? No, but that's... Big. Yeah. Big retail failure. Well done. Well done, our government. And that's the satire out failure well done well done our government and that's

the satire out of the way ladies and gentlemen we can carry on with the smut uh men's red apartment and tj hughes we used to have the odd regular customer pop in along with the plethora of more common cattle type customers who came in just to gaze at all the bargains yes okay one such regular customer had been coming in every couple of days for about three weeks and he would regularly select a different fleece each time and take it into the changing room to try it on decide he didn't want it put it back on the hanger and hang it back up after a short spell in the changing rooms. Huh. I know where this is going. Yes. After about the sixth or seventh time he had done this, one of my old schoolmates, Phil,

who also worked alongside me for the year, went to sort out the fleece left by a thirty-something regular weirdo customer, and whilst rehanging it, gave a shout-out of, What the fuck? That's fucking sick. Okay. Which made myself and a few of the shoppers turn round to see shout out of what the fuck that's fucking sick okay which made myself and a few of the shoppers turn around to see

what all the commotion was about Paul oh dear then are you still sure you know what's going to happen next then towards the staff area out the back of the shop he headed at speed handheld aloft as I asked what was up he's he's what He's...

What? I can't say it. You have to. Simple pleasures. I asked what was up. He's fucking spanked in the pocket! Phil exclaimed. Yeah, he did.

After reporting this and finding three other dried crusty pockets of soiled garments, CCTV images were captured. His description was passed around the shop watch radios and he was eventually picked up and arrested. Wow. Our security guard, Richard Head, I kid you not, poor bastard. Oh, dickhead. Imagine Richard Head married Labia Cave. Labian Cave.

Then they'd have a kid called Richard Cave. Not very funny. Not at all. Right. Richard Head, the security guard, Dick Head, informed us that we were one of only three shops around the town in which

he'd been seen in. Oh, dear. He is... A serial spunker. A serial pocket spunker. With his arrest, the case of the fleecy pocket wanker was closed. Many regards, Pete. Thank you, Pete.

Pete, thank you. That picked up. It picked up. There's too much autobiographical detail, I'd say, on the whole. But, yes, the fleecy pocket wanker. Yeah. Wow, what was his thing? He liked fleece. He liked the feel of it. The feel of fleece on his knob.

Yeah. Probably. Maybe he was... He liked the softy rub-rubs. How do you... It's not denim rub-rubs. It's fleecy rub-down. Fleecy rub-rubs. Yeah. Fleecy rub-ups. Yeah. Too soft for me. I prefer more abrasive.

Don't want to know. Denim on my knob end. Don't want to know. I like denim on my knob end. I'll do a song. I'll do a song. See how Paul likes a song when I do one. And I shat.

You like that. Awful, awful, awful. Yes, awful. You see? I have some musical talent though you don't oh you don't you don't though

I'm not no it's the first part of it that I'm disputing not the second part Paul I have way more musical talent than you

oh okay okay can you play an instrument yes what is it it's the harmonica can you yeah I've never seen you get to one I'll do some blues I'll let down some wicked blues Yes What is it? It's the harmonica Can you? Yeah

I've never seen you get to it I'll do some blues I wish I had I'll lay down some wicked blues I wish I had Because I would Well there you go So you fooled

You failed You faltered You founded And now It's time for me To Stop it It's time for me

It's time for me to sing I'm What about a punk song? I'm the fleecy pocket wanker. Oi! And I'm fleecy pocket wanking you. I'm the fleecy pocket wanker. Oi!

And I'm going to do a fucking poo in a pocket as well. I'm a shitter in a pocket and a wanker too. Seriously though. I shit in the pocket. I don't do it in the loo. I just go shops and wank in their clothes. I'm the fleecy pocket wanker and I've got a. I just go shops and wank in their clothes. I'm the fleeksy pocket wanker and I've got a pierced nose

because I'm a punk. Right. So I'm sorry for that. Everyone listening, that was a... I'm the fleeksy pocket wanker. Shut up or I'll come over there and I'll face kick you.

I've got the tribe on. I'm going fleeksy. Don't come over here. I mean it. All right. I mean it. Who cares? You're going to hurt

and assault me GBH in my own in your own house yeah well that's worse you've invited me in here yeah yeah

behave let's have another story that was good you're creatively bankrupt and you're reaching and this behaviour is appalling talk to me

about my lack of wit. Naughty boy. Oh, I'm a fleecy pocket wacker! I'm going to kill you. Right, I'm going to tell my story because I want to get through this segment and then press stop and then kick the living shit out of you.

Alright, whatever. Big boy. Kick me like a big boy. I am a big boy and you're a horrible little toad. Here's the story. It comes from a big boy. I am a big boy, and you're a horrible little toad. Here's a story. It comes from a chap called James Wilkinson. Oh. And here's his story.

Are you ready? Yes, Paul. Don't. Yes, Paul. Don't do that. Don't talk ill of the dead. I'm not. I'm just saying yes, Paul.

You're doing a fucking terrible impression of Paul Daniels. Yes, yes. Debbie McGee. Oh, yes, yes, Paul. Yes, Paul. Right. Excellent. fucking terrible impression of paul daniels oh yes yes debbie mcgee oh yes yes paul yes paul right excellent i was working as an assistant manager in the red cross charity shop in salisbury some years ago so we do have a charity shop story nice that's nice it's on target or message yes it was a very boring job and what made things worse was that anytime anything interesting happened in the shop i generally wouldn't be around to witness it what was he an area manager did he say

maybe maybe he was just he worked in various shops i think they do do that they do tend to because when i've called up charity shops to try and uh speak to some research with them they're always like no he just sort of pops around he's got three shops he looks after oh and they sort of yeah i think that's how they work in the uh charity shop that's a great way of not having to answer the phone as well yeah exactly yeah avoiding any ever talking to anyone yeah can't can't fucking right um the following happened when i was away on holiday oh so it's secondhand story but we'll accept it james okay depends how incredible it sounds, but yeah. So, one day, it's about half nine on a Tuesday morning.

An elderly man comes into a shop, has a browse of the old books, and whilst doing so, becomes a little wheezy and a bit unstable on his feet. Oh, little old man coming in, looking at the old books. Oh, I like that thriller. Oh, that's a nice one. Oh, man. J.R. Hartley. Deep cut.

He asks the work assistant girl, Sarah, if there's anywhere he can sit down for a minute. He's very weak. I'm going to keep doing the wheezes. Okay. Because it's going to be really hard to edit around that fucking noise. She ushers him into the changing room where the only chair in the shop is. She helps him into the chair and then shuts the saloon-style doors.

At that moment, she's called upstairs to steam some clothes, and she goes for about the next two hours and a half, goes and does that job, completely forgetting about the old man downstairs. Well, isn't there someone else in the shop? I don't know. The counter, who would know? Maybe, but maybe they haven't been told about this old man, so Well, isn't there someone else in the shop? I don't know. The counter, who would know? Maybe, but maybe they haven't been told about this old man, so they're just busy with the shop.

That could happen, yes. Now, okay. Okay. Half an hour later, an old lady walks in. She finds a dress she likes. She asks to try it on. The changing room is unlocked. She goes in, and because it's a rather large room filled with stock,

she doesn't immediately notice the old man sitting in the corner on the chair. Okay. And proceeds to undress. As she's about to put her dress on, she looks into the mirror and sees an old man in the chair behind her. She screams, running out of the changing room, and then right out of the shop, wearing nothing but her bra and knickers. Wow.

The middle-aged sales assistant just looked on for a bit stunned and then jogged to the shop door to see the old lady running down the street as fast as her unstable legs legs will carry now that's a bit of an overreaction that's crazy the sales assistant then walks back slowly to the changing room to see what caused the alarm and finds the old man slumped in the chair and the old lady's clothes on a heap on the floor by the mirror not looking entirely unlike an expired Did he live through this, the old man? He seems pretty comatose. An ambulance is called, but the old man had died hours earlier from a heart attack. Oh my God, he was a corpse. We never did find out what became of the streaking old lady.

He was having a heart attack. Well, there's what you could call criminal negligence on the became of the streaking old lady he was having a heart attack well there's what you could call criminal negligence on the part of the first manager there the old lady who ran down the street

in her knickers never came back for her clothes just carried on running that person let the guy die it was just like wheezing oh sit down there I've forgotten about you

didn't tell anyone she is bad news that manager is bad news wow don't you think Paul yes come on she's like oh there there it's a very shit down there she is bad news that manager is bad news wow don't you think Paul yes come on she's like oh there there love

it's a very down there I'm going upstairs oh he's dead is he I would say oh he's dead is he I would say who is it yes he's dead

it's on your his blood of an old man is on your hands I would say Sarah I thought it was going to be the smunk of an old man but it was blood of an old man I think Sarah's at fault here

she fucking is she didn't go check this is years ago, but Jesus, we don't want to open a cold case, but she could get done. Yeah. She could totally get done.

She was negligent. Now, Paul, very good story. I like his bit of the car, but okay. We haven't finished it yet. So she never came back. The old lady ran off with her clothes.

The old man had died. And when the work experience girl found out what had happened, she was mortified. And she didn't come back the next day for work either. She left. But but the thing is even months after the event was over we weren't able to put the the past entirely behind us as the very clothes the old man had been wearing the same fedora hat coat suit brown brogue shoes all came back in a donation bag

brilliant along with other selections of penguin paperbacks he'd bought in the past wow i decided to hold on to the clothes and put them away in a locker in the stock room. Then, if anyone ever reported seeing a ghost in the changing room, we'd be able to tell them exactly who the ghost was. I love that, that his stuff started coming back. That's great. Isn't it? It's weird that that little girl came back. You know, it's like things with charity shops.

I've had a thing with my flatmate where he has put a bunch of records he didn't want into the local Marie Curie. And I've gone and bought them and brought them back into the house. And they're shit, believe me. But yeah, that's great. Great story. I've thought that it was going to go chicka chicka wow wow. Yeah. Oh, love, don't worry about me.

I just almost had a heart attack. Now I've got a stodge on. All right. So there you go. I've got a dirty stodge on. All right, mate. All right. Stodge.

That's a good word for erection. It's not. It is. It's not. I've got a fucking suet pie on. Fucking. I've got a stodge. Get the carbohydrates.

So there we go. Two stories that didn't involve shit today. I think we've reached a new level. I love the detail there. It was a good story, James. Thank you. The first one wasn't too bad either. The pocket won't come.

I like that. It had a nice bit of a... Both of them felt like kind of odd crime episodes. Yes, but that's where Tales from the Shop Floor can go to, Paul. Cheap show. Crime investigation unit. Charity shop edition. God, that's a long one.

Sniff a cum. What? Come on, you're in forensics, DP Gannon. Oh, I did a sweep of the stage. Did it smell slightly fishy? We can tell from a slab scientific test that he ate a boiled egg

before he died. How do you know that? There's a boiled egg in his asshole. It even went out there. Hey, DP Gannon, we're going to need you to do the smell test

on the cum. Is it cum? Tell me. Tell me. come is it come tell me tell me I'm loving this this could get syndicated Paul come on calm down

come on you're okay you're okay man you're okay. You're okay, man. You're okay. Yes, it's come. Good. Right.

Send it to the lab. Right, that's Tales from the Shot Floor. If you have any to send us, email thecheapshow at gmail.com. Thank you. Thank you. Right. Uh-huh. In a change of programming,

we're going to do Silverman's Platter, but Silverman has not brought any platters to the one today. Oh, I did not buy any platters today. So,

I thought I'd do Ganon's Platters. Oh, oh, I don't know how I feel about this. Yeah? I don't know. Oh, right, Ganon's Platters. Oh, I don't know how I feel about this. Yeah? I don't know.

Oh, Ganon. This is going nowhere. Ganon's Platters. Going nowhere. So I bought three little vinyl treats that I saw in, this would have been the Salvation Army. Now, Paul, this is a result of me lending you my Vestax Handy Trax portable record player.

It's a lovely little thing. It's a lovely little thing. I've lent it to you because you need to be able to listen to vinyl out here in Canebro. Indeed.

And so as a public service you've lent me this wonderful little portable record player. And you've given it a little clean up. It's nice. I've scrubbed it up nice.

I've put some love on it. It's not in perfect, Nick, is it? Because of the power being the problem. It needs a wedge to get the power to work properly. Works fine. It works fine. It works beautifully for what it'll lead it to, which is to just pop out, find some vinyl in old cane bro, and then try

them out here and see how they float. Slap the vinyl on the platter and say, hello, Henry McFatter, what's the splatter on your platter-ta-datter? So I have tri-platter today. Tri-fector-platter-splatter. Tri-splacter. Tri-splack-splatter.

Very good. Tri-splatter. Very, very good. Thank you, Daddy Silverman. Daddy. Daddy Silverman. Say Daddy. Say Daddy.

Oh, Daddy. Oh, Daddy. Good. So what we got... Oh, Papa. No, don't say that. Oh,. Oh, daddy. Oh, daddy. Good. So what we got... Owie papa. No, don't say that. Oh, come on, love. Owie papa.

I hate it when your parents hear you. It means I can't get my grapple off. Tell your mum to fuck off so I can fucking come at you. Owie papa. Okay, so... Well, I have three. So where do you want to start? One, two, or three?

Wherever you like, Paul. It's your platters. I thought I'd give you some control. I don't care. I actually don't care. I'll give you the title of the band or the artist, and you can go, oh, let's do that one then. Can't you just pick one yourself?

Oh, fucking hell. All right. We'll start with this one I bought. It's called The Oldest Swinger in Town. Ah. And who's it by? It's by an artist called Fred Wedlock. this one I bought it's called The Oldest Swinger in Town ah and who's it by it's by an artist called Fred Wedlock

and what's the label Paul The Rocket Record Company now do you know about The Rocket Record Company I don't

what is it it was Elton John's label is it still going well no labels are going really oh fair enough I don't know what

happened to that can I ask a question you can and I don't know if it's just... And if the question is, is that a noodle? It's not.

It's not. It's not. No, the question is, and I don't know if it's just on this one or a lot of records do it, but I was wondering what that little blue dot is.

Let me see. If you feel it, it feels like a little sticker, but I don't know what it is. No, that is a sticker that's been put on by a DJ so he knows at a glance which side he has to play.

Oh, is that what that is for? So you don't have to look at it. You can just go, that's got the dot on that side, eh? There were... Do you reckon that might have been in a radio station then, maybe? Yeah, almost definitely, yeah.

So the DJs don't have to think about it. They can grab it and slap it on the gram, as they call it. And, yeah, and that will tell him that's the A side because he wouldn't want to play the B side. Also,

I think that looks like someone's just bought a pack of stickers and is using that yeah as a tool for themselves it hasn't added by the record companies did used to put what they call plug stickers which could be stars or play this side stickers oh really for the dj so when they send them out to the dj there could be no confusion about what the side was they were meant to be spinning on the radio. And those do have some value. Oh, really? They're kind of like, yeah, they're the old sort of record plug stickers on sevens. Okay, so they make them unique.

They make them special. They make it more collectivy. Collectory. And I have one, a Bob Crew one, which has some really cool old-fashioned big plug stickers on the A side. Oh, cool. So that is a plug sticker, but I think that was just put on by whoever was DJing this on probably local radio around here, maybe.

Cool. Well, let's play a little bit of the song right now. It's Fred Wedlock, and it's called The Oldest Swinger in Town. When you score with a chick in a disco bar Take her home in your hairy little car Then you find you went to school with her mom, pa You're the oldest swinger in town When you won't look in a mirror in the light of day

Swear you dyed it when your hair turns gray When you zip up your wranglers and your belly's in the way You're the oldest swinger in town Here you come and there you go White wheels, bolts and a stereo But the engine's clapped and the driver also Is the oldest swinger in town Swing her in time. It's one of those very typically British,

folky comedy songs that were popular in the very early 80s. Now, is it a comedy song or is it a novelty song? What's the difference, Paul? That's a very interesting question. You see, I would say it's a comedy song. It's written lyrically to be comedic. But what would be a novelty song? A novelty song would be Mr. Blobby. Mr. Blobby would be a comedy song yes it's written lyrically to be a music but what would be a novelty song a novelty song mr blobby would be a novelty song where the only reason that song exists is because there's a brand hanging on right you know but novelty songs can be funny as well

can't they they can't be the streak that's why they call it the streak that one which is a big hit it's comedic but it's a novelty? A novelty is just sort of it's about something that is sort of quirky or crazy or zany. Is the Birdie song a novelty song? Is Agadou by Black Lace? No.

You think that's just a straight down the line pop song that just happens to be shit and cheesy? Okay. Birdie song because it has the bird suits. That's the novelty.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Bird suits. That's the novelty. But that, you know, the birds, that version was a cover version of a French bird song. Really? Yes. So, je suis mucky, mucky, mucky, mucky, mucky, mucky. It was originally French too. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Good to know. What about when someone like an artist called Captain Sensible does happy talk?

Is that a novelty song? No, again, I just think that's a pop cover, isn't it? Okay. All right. But it's verging on novelty. I'd say to be novelty it has to be something like The Street

or like Young Ones, Cliff Richard and Living Doll. Yes. Novelty or comedy? Novelty. Interesting, isn't it? There is a Venn diagram of novelty and comedy

and there's a big section where they overlap. Yeah. So I think that is a comedy song. Definitely a comedy song. That happened to be popular. Yes.

In the similar way, funnily enough, to Ernie, the fastest milkman in the West by Benny Hill. Comedy songs. Comedy song. Those are outside of the area

where you can say without a doubt this is a comedy song. Yeah. And it has some amusing lines, Paul. You know, musically. There's a good line at the end of it where I think he says

it would take you all night to do what you used to do all night. Yeah. It's a nice little life line. It's a clever line. Yeah. It's a clever line. It end of it where I think he says, it would take you all night to do what you used to do all night. Yeah. It's a nice little life line. It's a clever line. Yeah. It's a clever line. It also reminds me, these songs were all over the place in that period, weren't they?

I was going to ask. There was a kind of folk revival in the late, early 80s and late 70s with like Jasper Carra. Yeah, but it's comedy folk. Who's that other guy? Phil Cool did it initially as well. I think he, I think before he, I don't know, I might be wrong. Richard Dijans. Billy Con be wrong. Richard Dijans. Billy Connolly.

Richard Dijans. Billy Connolly was part of that, yeah. Yeah. Well, they were big because he had the Humble Bums, didn't he? Yes. With Eric Clapton. No. Wasn't Eric Clapton.

Was it Eric Clapton in that? No. Who was the guy who went on to do Baker Street? Jerry Rafferty. Yes. He was in the Humble Bums. You're right. Yes.

And I heard the other day that Jerry Rafferty actually did pay back royalties to the guy who did the sax solo in Baker Street. Because at the time, he just got some guy and paid him 50 quid for the session. And then made a right royal mint out of it. But he has, apparently, he has seen the error of his way and back paid him, which is nice of him. Well, he's dead now, but he did before he died. Oh, man, I would have given you all this money if you were alive. No, Rafferty's dead. Oh, I didn't even know that.

So it sort of has some slightly amusing lines. The first line about your hairy car, what do you think he's referring to? Is the car full of pubes? Or is the interior hairy? Because they used to have those plush, you know, those kind of done up cars. That must be it. With the furry dice. It's like a voxel astra

with a really furry interior like a deep shag pile carpet full of dirt muck and pubic lice

sausage grot sausage grot you know spank spank yeah well the fleecy spunker

penis oil right yeah the fleecy spunker cock yoghurt alright Paul yeah oh I'm sorry I'm sorry I tried to do a song about the fleecy spunker would Cock yogurt Alright Paul yeah Oh I'm sorry

I'm sorry I tried to do a song About the fleecy spunker And you were having none of it So I'm not going to go So why am I all of a sudden Penalised If it was a hairy car

Imagine the fleecy pocket wanker Got in that car He'd have a fucking He'd cream his pants He would spunk All over the fucking place Anyway Fred Wedlock

It turned out Was a folk singer Best known for his UK single The Older Swinger in Town, so that was reasonably successful. So it was a big hit. To which place in the charts did it rise? Do we know? You know what? I don't know.

I can find this out. Older Swinger in Town in early 1981 reached number six in the UK charts. He would have made a bit of money from that in the day. These days you wouldn't make that much money. Not these days, but back in the day it meant more to be in the top ten. Okay, so not... He would have made a bit of money from that in the day. These days, you wouldn't make that much money. Not these days,

but back in the day, it meant more to be in the top ten. You had to fight for it. And you would make a great deal of money if you were in the top ten. So there you go.

He sadly died, unfortunately, Fred Wedlock. But, yeah, known for performing around the West Country, doing shows and things like that.

But he kept as a sort of comic folk singer rather than moving into the stand-up as Jasper Carrot so lucratively did. Lots of things in common with Carrot. Seems to be from the same part of the world.

He's got a Brahmi kind of burr going on there. I think he was more of an actor this guy, rather than a performer. So this is a song he did. He did a few songs, but I think he did the Old Vic. A few shows in the Old Vic. It says he presented programs on the West Country TV. Oh, he did?

So a bit more light entertainment maybe than Carrot. So out of five platters... I'll go two. I don't care for it. In terms of what it is, I personally would go with three. Okay. It's successful. It's not awful by any stretch of the imagination.

It's not in the right place. Reasonably witty. I know, but it's just sort of... Yeah, but in of the imagination it's not in the right place reasonably witty I know but it's just sort of yeah but in terms of what we do on the platter this is a higher quality platter

in terms of it's a bit naff but it's got a charm that you can't really say no to it reminds me of that song about Murphy and the Bricks yeah

but that's awful no that's fine but it goes on for fucking ever yeah and he's got a punchline at the end and then he went up the air and then he fell down the air and then he, but it goes on for fucking ever. Yeah, and he's got a punchline at the end. And then he went up the air, and then he fell down the air.

And then he smacked his head on the fucking bricks. And the bucket on the head, and it fell down. He's bleeding out the brains on the fucking floor. And O'Malley said, you build the wall, you daft idiot. All he did, all he do. Now, don't look. Don't say that. I can do what I want.

It's my show. Yeah, so. There you go. All right, well then, let's just say 2.75 no we don't have to agree we can all have our both we're not saying 2.75 elton john probably had some money from that it's a little bit funny yeah no don't so um did he release his albums on rocket records then all those yes he did in the kiki what you always see is uh kiki d don't go breaking me out yeah i wouldn't if i could you are a massive beard right so next one we're going to do we're

going to jump to slightly more uh upbeat pop hits this is a song called boys and girls but not by blur no it's by a band a three-piece lady outfit called char by a band, a three-piece lady outfit called Charlie Makes the Cook. A three-piece lady outfit like a suit? Yeah, made for a woman's skin. Charlie Makes the Cook. Why were they called that? It's a weird name. Shall I tell you what the Wikipedia article says about them?

Sure. Charlie Makes the Cook was a girl group in the late 80s consisting of three girls. So far, yeah. I could have told you that. The only success was limited and it was under the title that they released called Boys and Girls, released in 1987, that ranked eight in the top 50. This has been translated from French, which is why the sentence is a little bit cock-a-hoop. The next sentence is, a clip had even been made. Right.

They made a video. I think that's what they were saying. I think that's what it's saying. In 1988, they released their second single called Good Day for Love. Now, I think you should watch out for that, Paul. It might pop up around here.

It might pop up. Obviously, someone's a fan of this. Good Day for Love? Not bad. Well, they might. I bet that goes, Good Day for Love? Yeah.

They tried to look again in 1989 and released another third and final single called ABC three singles is all they had and that was a flop girl broke up

a few years later the group that's what it says the girl group broke up a few years later okay so they didn't have a great deal of success

let's play a little bit of it right now. And do what you do to all those girls Years ago the boys and girls were not like today Boys that they could have their way and the girls said yeah Now, so don't you know what I mean? Girls, you need to have fun and laugh Use the tips when she says to you I wanna hold your hand Hold your hand

Boys and girls dancing on my hand Boys like girls and girls kiss and tell Boys and girls don't show this shy Boys and girls, don't you be so shy Boys and girls, love games together Now you can see why they didn't have a great deal of success, Paul, can't you? It's awful. It sucks, and it's quite cynical. It's obviously meant to be Bananarama.

But also they're quoting other songs. There's this thing about girls having fun. Okay, I wrote this down on that little envelope there. I wrote down what I think the song breaks down into, and I think it breaks down into these four elements. It starts off with, hey, Mickey, you're so fine. So, hey, Mickey, you're so

fine. It's got that chant. Yeah, because it's like, hey, baby, they say. And it's like, hey, baby, you're so sweet, baby. So they fucking ripped that off. That was a big hit,'t it and then it goes into what I think is like a nursery rhyme thing

where it's all all that maybe it's Nikita you know boys boys boys

we're looking for a good time but they make it more sound sing song yes and then it goes into girls

just want to have fun by Cyndi Lauper totally ripped basically completely and then it ends with Ben basically

going into the Beatles I want to hold your hand because it kind of ends that last line on that and then it ends with Ben basically going into the Beatles I want to hold your hand because it kind of ends that last line on that and then it goes into its chorus and it's like

none of it hangs together it doesn't hang together and it's just cynically put together it's just cynically said how can we excuse me what

how can we how can we take bits of hooks from very popular pop songs and try and get them into this yeah and bizarrely none of it

works. They're a knock-off French banana rana. Yeah, they really are. And there's a video which I'll get on the cover, don't they, as well? The pop video is very awful. Is it? I'll put that on the website, thecheapshow.co.uk but if you go to this, yeah, if you go to the webpage for this episode, you put the video

Oh, my better! Maybe it's because they're French and they're singing my better i mean maybe it's because they're french and they're singing in english because they're french they might be it's your latent no i'm just saying phobia coming out i'm saying that maybe it's latent francophobia paul and you said to me i know you don't want to admit it but you said to me in a private moment i hate the fucking french yeah i did right so you've admitted it now. They are garlic eating surrender monkeys. Yeah. Simpsons.

Yeah. Got anything from bottom that you want to plagiarize and just say here? It's the gas man. Right. Thank you. So yes, very poor. What score are you going to give Charlie Makes the Boy? What's it called?

Charlie Makes the Cook. What the fuck? Imagine sitting in a room for hours coming up with a name for a band and then going Charlie Makes the Cook. Well, I think because they are French, Paul, it sounds like the type of title that you would think, oh, that sounds nice in a different language. Do you see what I mean? If you don't really sort of comprehend what the words mean.

If you translated it from French to English, it would have been Charlie Makes the Cook, when actually maybe the band's name is Chef Charlie. Charlie. Un chef. Écrivez le chef de partie. No. Chef de partie.

That'd be a good one. Like a house band. Yeah, it really would. Chef de partie. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, right. Copyright cheap show. Fucking get your hands off.

Okay, no, but that's not what I mean. I mean that they just chose a bunch of English words because of the sort of way they sounded to their French ear. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, one.

Yeah, I'll give it one. It's poor. I'm proud of this in many respects. Very poor, but it's extremely cynical the way they've sort of, it's a Frankenstein monster of popular hits of the time. Yeah. It's almost like Jive Bunny. It doesn't work. Yes.

So we go on to the third and potentially maybe even worse track today. Okay. Now this one I'm going to have to stick on on the Vestax, Paul. You hand it over. I will, but what I want to do before we get there is break down what's going on. Alright, wow. On the show in the past

we've covered, famously, Noel Edmonds. We've covered Bruce Forsyth. We've mentioned Russ Abbott a lot famously. We went down a bit of a Russ Abbott hole for a while. A Russ Rabbit hole. Indeed. Very good.

So I think it's about time we introduce a new one. And interestingly, the reason this guy here is interesting is because without him we wouldn't have had Russ Abbott. Aha. So this is by an artist, and I use the word artist wrongly, Freddie Starr.

Now, Freddie Starr was a popular sort of end-of-the-pierce-style comic. Is that fair to say, Paul? Comedian, impressionist, singer-actor. But he was quite popular

in the sort of late 70s, early 80s period. You know why, though? Because in Comedian, impressionist, But he was quite popular. Singer, actor. He was quite popular in the sort of late 70s, early 80s period. You know why though? Because in the 60s, now apparently, I'm going to get this wrong, I'm sure I am, but I think I remember

my mum telling me a story where she babysitted for someone in Freddie Starr's family and she met Freddie Starr and said he was horrible. A nasty man. Bit of a dickhead.

Right. That's all conjecture because I can't prove that. I'm probably remembering the story wrong. He is though, isn't he? I don't like him. Horrible. A nasty man. A bit of a dickhead. Right. That's all conjecture because I can't prove that. I'm probably remembering the story wrong. He is now, isn't he? I don't like him.

But what's interesting about him is that even though he's known now for being a wacky comedian, hyperactive, crazy, crazy guy, he started out as a Mersey Beat singer in the 60s.

Yeah, he had, it was called Freddy Stark and the Midnighters. So a lot of his early career started out on the club scene. He also performed in the same place as the Beatles apparently.

The Cavern. The Cavern and things like that. I think even maybe Germany. Hamburg. A lot of people went to Hamburg, didn't they? And then he made it big on Opportunity Knox

and that's when it became Freddie Starr as a crazy performer. I see. So he was grinding away there. Yeah. Working away. He did the Beatles

and he did go to Hamburg and he says here let me get this right Freddy Starr and the Midnighters the group were promoted

by the manager of the Beatles Brian Epstein and was recorded on the Decca label by Joe Meek who went on to release

oh so there's man if you could get hold of the Joe Meek produced Freddy Starr now that would be something well this just says

it's written by Dave Christie no no that wouldn't be Meek died by the by the that would be something. Well this just says it's written by Dave Christie. No, no, that wouldn't be. Meek died by the by the late 60s. He was shot. Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Meek is the guy who does you know Joe Meek. Yeah, yeah, I know. Telstar. Yeah. That's right. So that would be interesting because he is

because Joe Meek obviously was a Svengali figure and he loved blonde men. Okay. Because he had this guy Heinz who was this blonde guy. And Freddie Star's blonde as. Okay. Because he had this guy, Heinz, who was this blonde guy

so for him. And Freddie Starr's blonde as well, isn't he? So you can see him. Yeah. And he had luscious hair. Yeah, you can see him being approached by me

because one of his leading men on his tunes, definitely. He's also had four wives. I'm just putting that in. Not good with the women. There's obviously a part of this page on Freddie Starr's Wikipedia that has a section that says,

Sexual assault allegations. Okay. So we're all not making, you know. And then the next one is stand-up videos. And then underneath that, Spousal of Bruce. Okay. Hello. Is he not, now Freddy Starr is not the guy who's now returned to the comedy circuit and is going around doing like.

That's Bobby Davro. Right. We'll come to him in time, I'm sure. Okay. But let's listen to, I think it's not with the Midnighters. It's maybe on his own. No, it's just around doing that. That's Bobby Davro. We'll come to him in time, I'm sure. But let's listen to... I think it's not with the Midnighters. It's maybe on his own. No, it's just him.

Yeah. And what? It's the A side, yeah? It's you. No, it's the A side. Oh, you want the B side? Oh, no. Whatever the A side is, is the one...

Right. So which one are we listening to, Paul? Side A. Okay. I'm going to just... You've had the splatter, platter over to me in my chair, and I'm going to slap the platter on the turntable. I miss you, honey.

The table is set, but something is missing, it's you. And a tear fills my eyes after thinking I fixed things for you. After dinner, the kids will go off to sleep in the rose. I'll kiss them goodnight and begin my long fight without you. Oh god this is painful Can you make it stop please Yeah you can make it stop whenever you want Written by Larry Butler That sucks Oh. Oh, okay. Written by Larry Butler.

That sucks. It's terrible. Sit in your chair properly. Otherwise, you're all wanky shaft. You're all wanky shaft. Very good. So, Paul, that sucks. One star.

Yeah, one star. One star for Freddie Star. You can see what he's trying to do. He's trying to woo the lady to the ballad. Yeah, it's a ballad. It's sort of a heartfelt ballad about missing his lady. If you're frightened of when I come home drunk again, it's you. A rant about the Beatles before spousally abusing you.

Anyway, I was doing some research on Freddie Star for this episode, trying to give him a bit more context. Comedian, wacky, had a bit of a resurgence in the late 80s and 90s. Wasn't great with his wife, a bit horrible, a bit drunk. Has alcoholism problems. But he was given a Madhouse TV show, which was awful, which he then quit, and then Russ Abbott took over. And made a huge success.

Yeah. So there's probably, you know. I don't know if I do want to thank Freddie Star for Russ Abbott, though. It's a complicated situation. So we'll move swiftly on. He had his Audience With show. Remember, that was a big hit on ITV. Okay, but they usually do that when they've had a sort of career for years.

He must have. He must have been quite popular. Anyway, the last thing I heard of him was he was doing, he was drunk, bloated in Spain, where he now lives, doing Elvis Impression sing-along shows and karaoke nights. That has a certain toothsome sadness to it. And I bet he still sings this. I bet he does.

Here I am in my room. So yeah, one. One, wow, that sucks. But a low one. Is the B-side any more up any more up to I think the B side is just as bad a ballad

I just want to hear 10 seconds let's go I'm liking this more Paul maybe oh yeah ugh funky Ugh! Funky.

His voice ruins it. It's wet. His terrible voice, with that vibrato. Slow it down. See if it better slow down. A little bit better. Now do it fast. There you go. That was Freddie Star. I think it was a slightly better song than B-Side. Let's be blunt.

It certainly was. It had a bit more oomph to it. Oomph. Again, a very strange and unsatisfying voice. Yes. The production of the song is not too bad, but the voice is watery. It goes into watery business. Anyway.

Anyway, that's been Gannon's Platters. How do you think about it? What do you feel? I feel you could have selected some more interesting records and you're basically a cunt to me most of the time and that's it. Sorry to puncture your fucking bubble, mate. That was a successful segment of the show.

Yes. Yes. Now you know we've I wanted to introduce a section called Antique Cheap Show Where I present something to you Right I want to do it again kind of Because I went to buy something and it ended up being a lot more expensive

Than I thought it was going to be Because I was lied to by that shit Cunt who fucking worked in the charity shop being a lot more expensive than I thought it was going to be because I was lied to by that shit cunt who fucking worked in the charity shop. And I was put in an awkward position and I had to buy it. Why? Because I really wanted it and I made a big deal about really wanting it

and I thought, here's how much it is based on that big sound of fucking war. And then he went, no, no, no. It's a fiver. How much did you think it was? 50p. Really? That's a big markup. And then by that time, I'd talked myself into buying it.

You know what I mean? It's like, oh, I can't wait to get this over and read it. Oh, it's really good. I'm really interested in this, that, and the other. The guy's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He fucking knows what's coming. Yeah, I think he did. Got it from over there, and I pulled out 50p, and he went, just shook his head.

No. He just shook his fucking head at me. Anyway. And then he did kind of a little laugh yeah I hate cancer what's all that

about fuck off so I went oh okay and I pulled my card out it's like the people in the

record exchange shops where you go in with your heap of vinyl to exchange for either money or exchange vouchers

or goods and they look at you and they go who are you it's not going to be very much. Yeah, they get a joy from that. They're going to be smart on their face.

Yeah. Then they look at you and they go, Look at them and they go, There's not much here. Oh. You're going to be disappointed. They're always smugging out. Fuck you.

You fucking cunt. Anyway, I ended up buying this thing for a fiver and what is this thing well mr silverman i'll let you describe it what is it he's handing me it's a book oh i'm getting a little nostalgic here we go looking at the cover here ladies and gentlemen it is the bbc tv top of the Pops annual, 1975. The year of my birth. Oh, really? Of course, yeah. The year of my birth. Wow. Okay, so what we've got here is in lovely, very

nostalgic font. You've got the BBC TV. That's the old 70s logo they use. I thought this would be a nice little trip down top of the Pops lane and maybe some dark avenues would be involved. They also used that BBC font or logo for their record and tape label, which was an independent label. They do have that going on at the BBC. They have like Red Bee Media as well now, which I think releases all their worldwide and DVD and stuff.

But even back then, I think it was an independent. I think it would have had to have been for legal reasons probably. Because they used to have hits with BBC Records. Yeah, they weren't allowed. Anyway, and on this cover you have some photos. Right there, next to Top of the Pops, we have... Here we go. Jimmy, child raping monster Sam.

Oh, that was a long one. So, directly across from him, as if on a level with him, Paul, we have hairy nugget face Noel Edmonds. Noel Edmonds. Weirdo. Cancer can be cured with sound waves. Hairy nugget face Edmonds there. Who's in the bottom corner?

You've got someone I have quite a lot of time for, Paul. Yeah, me too. Blackburn. Tony Blackburn. Tony Blackburn there. Cudd in the bottom corner? You've got someone I have quite a lot of time for, Paul. Yeah, me too. Blackburn. Tony Blackburn. Tony Blackburn there. Cuddly Tony Blackburn. He's grinning. He's looking happy. I've had hits on the Northern Soul scene. That was his big story he dines out on. Yep. And there he is. And in the middle next to him,

underneath the title, is the Osmonds. Is that the Osmonds? Let's have a look. There's little Jimmy. Yeah, it's the Osmonds. That Mormon crazy band. They're crazy. And they all look like they've been given a sedative shot and told to grin or they won't get their dinner or something. They were the Mormon.

So they smiled all the time, regardless of anything. That was it. They were just happy because Jesus was in their heart. Yeah. They were laughing all the way through some dark shit. Was there dark shit going on? I don't know. I can make some stuff up.

Okay, that's great. So can I open it? And it's edited by... I want to just... All right. I'm handing it back. I want to just kind of preface this a little bit because it's an annual.

And I don't know if it's a big thing outside of the UK, but annuals are kind of like year... They're released yearly books that kind of sum up the year. That's what the word means, Paul. Yeah, but they're a book that sums up the year's events. It's a hardback version of a magazine or comic.

True. Which the comic would often have a sort of omnibus sized stories from the year or maybe you'd want your own, you would feel ripped off if they used

stories they'd already put out that year in the comic. You'd want their special story for the annual. Always hardback, is that right?

Yeah, always hardback. It's like a special gift at the end of the year for someone who likes the Beano, for example. Is that right? Yeah, always hardback. It's like a special gift at the end of the year for someone who likes the Beano, for example. The Beano, the Dandy, maybe a magazine like Smash It

would have done it. Wizard and Chips. Looking, we talked about looking before. Almost every media sort of property that was in any way linked with young people

or children would have one. And they still do it today. Doctor Who has an annual. Fireman Sam, Peppa Pig. And they have sort of post-ironic annuals like Jeremy Corbyn annuals. Have you seen that? Yes. And Viz do them as well famously so yes i don't know this is the

real deal i don't know if there's anything like this in america or in europe then there may be but in terms of like christmas day you'd get an annual you'd get an annual i don't know if it is uniquely british but it might be so i think what would it this is broken up into many pops was a magazine as well then I assume that they had a sort of I don't think they did I don't think it's a magazine so this is

so then it's anomalous because it's something that wasn't a magazine but then did have an annual anyway because I think it was just licensing the brand

so they thought okay we'll want to and I think they had shows like you know like Blue Peter had annuals yeah yeah

Tears Was had a few yeah and what about sort of American crime shows like some do I mean you could get an 80s annual Cannibal Run had annuals. Yeah. Yeah. Tis Was had a few. Yeah. And what about sort of American crime shows like... Some do. I mean,

you could get an 80s annual. Cannibal Run. Did Cannibal Run have an annual or something? I bet movies had annuals as well. Maybe, though. I think there was things like Jaws annuals and stuff.

Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. So here's the topics in this issue of the 1975 Top of the Pop. Maybe I'm talking shit. So we'll get to this soon,

which is the fascinating one. I know we might be pushing our luck in terms of taste, but first article, Jimmy Savile, the daddy of DJs. Okay. Adding Curve to the pop scene is another chapter. Touring America with Slade.

A lot of fun. Yeah. Osmond Mania. It ain't easy putting the top of the pop show together. I bet it isn't. Roy Wood, the wizard one-man band. Roy, it would.

Can you imagine? He was a big pop star at the time. I know. He's such a strange... His music's so strange as well. And he's only known for that one massive hit. Which was? I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day. And he looks deranged, like a deranged wizard guy in that...

He is. Yes. Rock and roll, it's still alive and kicking. That's the next chapter. Page 52 has two top DJs. Noel Edmonds, the man who hates to stand still. That's what the article's called. Why?

But we're going to get to this separately, which we'll explain at the end of the episode. All right. Dave Lee Travis. It's the hairy cornflake. The hairy monster, it says here, yeah. Tony Blackburn. Does he have a hairy car I bet he had a hairy

well puby car very puby car Tony Blackburn branching out Wings Paul McCartney the beetle who learned to fly so what

the Beatles were shit and Wings was better that's what Alan Partridge believes well exactly sorry the band the Beatles could have been what else

if it's black it's really beautiful there's an article about how black music is on the grow in the UK is that real yeah

there's a top 30 there's a Carpenters article there's suddenly it's middle of the road music an article that talks about how music was popular and then became known as middle of the road

interesting right letters from top of the pop's post bag rolling stones heartthrobs on parade and then the quiz answers. So, let's get this out the way, shall we? Oh, no.

Jimmy Savile, the daddy of DJs. Now, again... So, what's the format of this article, Paul? It's basically what's happened is someone went, Jimmy Savile, can you do an intro to this book? Talk about your life and career, what you think of the industry.

And he went, someone sit down with a tape recorder, I'll talk, you fuck off and write it. Okay? went, someone sit down with a tape recorder, I'll talk you fuck off and write it. So someone sat down with him and recorded this. And he's just been left to talk. And it's his train of mind. Now, in the UK, he's now

infamous for being a disturbing, horrible person who molested lots of children and elderly and infirm and potentially even dead people. And people who were hospitalized with their disability, he would then rape because he was given keys to children's hospitals. It just sounds like something he would make up.

How horrific. He had his own keys to children's wards and hospitals. What the fuck, man? That's like giving Freddy Krueger keys to a school. What the fuck? Who the fuck gave the guy a key? But because he had that power, though. He had that...

He was... He was so famous in the UK because he was eccentric. Because he had that kind of leery, threatening, jack-of-all-trades, you know, jack-of-the-lad kind of thing. But he also had, I don't know... He was a DJ. He must have had some appeal. A radio DJ. He was a big con. And a TV presenter. He was a had, I don't know, he was a DJ. He must have had some appeal. A radio DJ. He was a big con.

And a TV presenter. He was a big fraud as well, wasn't he? He was. But he also knew how to fucking play it, obviously, because he got away with murder. He literally died laughing. You know what I mean? Yeah. He was never going to have to deal with all the shit he went through.

He put people through. He put people through. Louis Theroux did a documentary about him. Fascinating to watch. He was strange. I'll put that link to that actually if you can get it

on YouTube on our page. So here is Jimmy Savile talking about him, his life, his career. I'm not going to do an impression. Thank fuck.

I think you're all thinking. I think the year 75 will be the biggest year of pop because it looks like this country and the world in general is going into a decline commercially.

And when it comes to periods of decline, entertainment comes into its own together with a lot of other things. So he's going to go on now talking about how, you know, the entertainment's here

to pepper-sall up when everything's in the shit. Right, because it's, 75, the year I was born, there was, were they in the middle

of the oil crisis, I believe. Yeah. And there was sort of like, yeah. Was this like the four- weeks or whatever yeah three day working week and uh yeah it was all during that time at 75 i think had the one of the hottest summers ever on record yeah okay yeah so it was a load of rubbish in the street that hadn't been collected stinking and like no one could drive and stuff like that it was bad yeah so that's why he says

that he talks about romans and fighting and coliseums for a bit that's quite nice um um he talked about how entertainment was born to keep people distracted when dark shit was going on so basically that's what things were for to keep people happy to keep listening to this pop song while i rape a disabled child yeah um pop will have a bumpy year entertainment because pop is the easiest and most candy floss of all entertainment he says because the success of pop records rests on the fact that you're asking someone for two and a half minutes to forget their worries while listening to tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree you're asking them not to do it for two and a half hours like bark beethoven and whoever he's talking about how it's a nice little distraction how pop's a nice

little distraction yeah he goes's a nice little distraction. He goes on to say, I'm an easy going geezer but for years I've been trying to hide the fact from people that I have a few brains. If you're hampered with brains in this world you will inevitably finish up skint. What a strange fucking philosophy to have.

Yeah, it's such a crafty wanker. Get this. Fortunately, over the years I have increased my animal cunning. So I am now totally filled with animal cunning. It was only a question of time that the media, like television and radio, found that under the top of the pop's exterior of mine, there happened to be a very shrewd geezer.

Oh, yeah. Yeah? Now, this is quite a long thing. I'm not going to read all of it out. Wow, he goes on about how shrewd he is it's almost like he's saying ah i've kept this away from you ah haven't i i'm clever because i'm running this you think i'm this but i'm really that i'm really a child it's like he fucking wants people to know you know what i mean he's daring people to catch him out so five

years ago he says bill cott and the, the BBC's light entertainment boss, came into my dressing room and said, wear a suit and get your hair cut and you can have a show of your own. I was just going back to go on air and I said, boss, you're about 25 number one awards and a quarter of a million pounds too late.

So he said, I knew I was wasting my time. So he turned and walked out. Basically what Jimmy Savile's saying there is that I'm big Charlie, big bollocks. And you can't tell me what to fucking wear. And he's put this in his annual for kids. Him going on about, oh, listen how fucking great I am. What a... Now, five years later.

Animal cunning. Now, five years later, Bill Cotton came to me and said, from May 1st, you start eight weeks on your own TV show called Clunk Click. And I said, certainly. Whereupon an amazed Mr. Cotton said, from May 1st, you start eight weeks on your own TV show called Clunk Click. And I said, certainly. Whereupon an amazed Mr. Cotton said, you've always said no before. So I replied,

well, you've always asked me. Today, you're telling me. He was staggered. You see, I can't get out of things when someone tells me to do something, can I? And it was the first time that Bill Cotton had ever told me.

Like your mother's corpse telling you to rape children. See? So that's And you know what's weird about Clunk Click He wears a suit and that and cuts his hair He's got short hair You can see the adverts for it where he's like Clunk Click every trip It's a car safety show

Levels of fucking dark irony there That was back in 73 Last year I did another batch of TV shows in the Clunk Click series. It's a great honor, and I love it, but it's very time-consuming. I only like to work one day a week. I've become so involved with life, like working at Stoke Mandeville Hospital, Leeds Infirmary, and Broadmoor, and all these ancillary things I do.

That's where I meet the people in trouble. That really is life. Wow. You deserved life. And then he talks about, you know, he can't tell jokes. He can't do stand-up. He's not this, that, and the other. He had no talent, discernible talent either.

No, he talks about basically how he's just a guy who talks for a living. Yeah. He goes on about that. He talks about how he gets, you know, he can throw his weight around on top of the pops and they can't tell him what to do too much. He talks about that. A little bit, but to some extent. Because, you know, that is kind of bread and water,

whatever you want to call it. It's bread and water. It's bread and food. It's bread and butter. Bread and butter. Thank you. Wow. One of the most common statements of all time,

and Paul couldn't think of it. Then he goes back to the hospital work. In a hospital, for instance, I think I can give a great deal of pleasure to patients merely by being there and meeting them. I'll take my trolley in and wheel someone down to the x-ray department. And now before I've opened my mouth,

they say, Ooh, it's Jimmy Savile. Wait till I tell my nephews and nieces about this. They'll be mad with jealousy. That sort of thing gives me a great thrill. Okay. Okay. And then he talks about how he released a song do we can we hear that which is arabic for how about that then and clyde would say

well he brought his camel to a screeching home In the rear of Fatima's tent Jumped off the climb, stook around the corner And into the tent he went There he saw Fatima Laying on a separate skimbo With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes And a boon in her nose, ho, ho There she was, gals and gals Laying there in all her radiant beauty and bells on her toes, and a bone in her nose. Ho, ho!

There she was, gals and gals, laying there in all her radiant beauty, eating on a grape and an apricot and a pomegranate, two bananas, three chocolate bars, a bowl of cornflakes, sipping on a big orange drink, listening to her transistor, watching the telly and reading a record magazine while she sang, It's now or never. And Hay-Hop walks up to her and he says... Well, she sang, it's now or never.

And Ahab walks up to her and he says... Which is Arabic for, let's twist again like we did last summer, baby. And she says... Oh, oh, oh, Ahab, oh, what are you doing? That's a story about Ahab, the Abraham. She got the burning sand. Actually, I was a cover. So this is much further down the scene.

Because people say, oh you know, you work in music so much, why don't you release a song? Here's what he talks about this. On the pop scene, I have a great deal of admiration for those guys and gals guys and gals it was appropriate who churn out actual records because you know he plays them he goes oh i tip my hat to them yeah you know and he goes you know i made a record about 10 years ago the only one i ever made it was called ahab the arab oh brilliant yeah and it's a comedy song it's a very very very racist song oh really one I ever made. It was called Ahab the Arab. Oh, brilliant. Yeah. And it's a comedy song, but it's a very, very, very racist song. Oh, really? About Arabs? Yeah. Oh, brilliant. About how they're

rich and they treat women badly. They treat women badly, do they? Anyway. Jamie? The tune got to number one in America. Did it? Well, I'm not sure how correct that is. I did the research. That song itself got to number one in America, not his version. There are other covers of it.

He's lying here as well. He's such a lying arsehole. And over here, my record sold about 13,000 copies, which is quite good, actually. I gave all the money to the Little Sisters of the Poor in Leeds because I didn't want the money anyway. And then they agreed to give me a key so I could fucking creep around like an absolute monster in their homes. Yeah. I bet it was.

Like, I'll give you this. Now then, now then. And then he talks about his career as a radio DJ and it's just a job and he doesn't care too much. Now, I remember seeing him on some kind of telethon or like the Children in Need, sort of a sort of televised, sort of telethon. Yeah, telethon yeah and it had andy peters on who was uh presenting yeah yeah and he was sort of shuffled off because they kept getting

guests on you know how these telephones work they get loads of people guests on sort of like a rotating door sort of thing and he was the sort of i saw him without a place to sit and he was sort of forced to sit on like a a piece of furniture that was like a chest of drawers he looked very sort of lost and sort of

geriatric and maybe a bit like he had dementia like a lost old man I remember watching it with my friend and going oh that's hilarious

because he looks lost he was just a monster now Paul that was disturbing yeah but he was hiding in plain sight. Obviously, this is a British magazine

about British music, British DJs. I wanted to end on this guy. The hairy cornflake. The hairy monster himself, Dave Lee Travers, who, if you know Alan Partridge, he's very much styled. Now, when did he, because he must have been Radio 1 as well. He was Radio 1, and I think, like most

of the DJs at the time, he started off with Radio Caroline, or i think like most of the days at the time he started off with radio caroline or certainly pirate radio right broadcasting from the seas just outside of illegally which sort of started off the whole sort of love of pop music in in the uk yeah those three minutes pirates yeah yeah and again pretty much defined british music and the british pop scene in the uk for how did they play a record if it was stormy? They didn't. It was... Obviously, the horrible film Rock the Boat,

written by Richard Curtis, talks about this... With Bill Nighy. Bad film. But anyway, basically the answer was they couldn't. They would try it. If it was storm, in a storm, it wouldn't happen. It'd just be off.

Right. And then you go... And then you talk for a bit and play a few wacky jingles or whatever. And then you try and play... And then it wouldn't work again. Here's Joni Mitchell again. Okay, wow. oh, and then you talk for a bit and play a few wacky jingles or whatever. And then you try and then it wouldn't work again. Here's Joni Mitchell again. Okay, wow.

Yeah, it was a tough time. I mean, it was many a sketch was made about it. In fact, yeah, obviously, Smashing Nice, the end of an era. They talk about their work on a pirate radio ship. And what happens to them? Oh, something hilarious, I'm sure. I fucking love that. If anyone's ever never seen Smashing Nightly Enderman Era the special

I think it's an hour long send off to those characters it is one of the finest things Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse have ever done

I agree and also as well as being hilarious it does actually tell you quite a lot about pop radio in the UK and almost where

it was going as well it's a beautiful well performed funny as fuck and densely packed with comedy it's a great thing. Yeah. It's a beautiful, well-performed, funny as fuck, and densely packed with comedy. Yeah. It's a great thing. Highly recommend it.

It's a beautiful thing. Yeah. So anyway, Dave Lee Travis admits this. I'm a complete loony. Oh, you're mad. An absolute nutcase. Oh, you've gone too far now. I'll do anything for a laugh.

You've groped a lady's tits now. I'm mad. I'm fucking anything for a laugh. You've groped a lady's tits now. I'm mad. I'm fucking cock-a-bonkers. I like that phrase. I'm going to use cock-a-bonkers more. With his bubbling personality, roaring laugh, Dave brought a brand new type of eccentricity and zany humour to Top of the Pops

when he was introduced as one of the programme presenters last year. Oh, 74 he started. 74 when he kicked off. He was obviously doing radio beforehand, but in terms of the show. His voice, of course, was already familiar to radio listeners as he had his own Radio 1 show, but he was new to television in this country, although

by no means a newcomer to the medium. Where did he do TV? In Ireland or something? Dave spent two and a half years in Bremen, Germany, doing his own show. The Dave Lee Travis Laugh Barn. Laugh Barn? Yeah. Oh, my God.

No, I just made that up. It's not called that. I just made that up. Which poured in an audience over the continent, so it means it's going to all the people it sold the show to, not just Germany. But anyway, 80 million viewers he had for that show wow and so was in german language we assume i don't think so i wouldn't well maybe but i wouldn't have imagined okay yeah it might have been one of those kind of variety shows where a bit like top of the pops he will introduce bits

and links and do skits or whatever and then it'll be like here's your big act bony m or something probably um he'd been broadcasting for 12 years he started off working in discos and nightclubs in and around manchester his hometown and then he joined radio caroline working for two years on the southern ship and six months on the northern ship based off the isle of man they had two different ships how are they allowed to talk about it if they were totally illegal well because it was probably clamped down by this. They'd all fucking got successful, pissed off, and this is the charming part

of their history. So what happened to the pirates after they... Did they get somehow... It moved. It went off the seas and became like on the top of a block of flats

and stuff like that. Like when I did pirate radio station in the 90s, the transmitter on the top of the block of flats, you know, you had to turn it off in case you got nicked

or whatever. There was another station, Ice FM, that did it. I appeared on Scratch FM. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you had to turn it off in case you got nicked or whatever. There was another station, Ice FM, that did it. I appeared on Scratch FM. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean.

Itch. Yeah, Itch. It's a hip-hop. It's an urban hip-hoppy station. Biddy-biddy-bop, biddy-biddy-biddy-bop, biddy-biddy-biddy-bop, biddy-biddy-biddy-biddy-bop. I think they've been sold to actually, they've gone legit or something. With the internet, there's really very little point to being a pirate radio station anymore. There's maybe kind of earthy, grounded quality to it.

You know, like real radio. And it's local, I guess. But yeah. And I think there's one or two still around. But yeah, you're right. I mean, this podcast is exactly what a pirate radio station would have been. Really? With more winky boo-boos and witty flip-flops.

Anyway, shut up. It was while he was broadcasting on Radio Caroline that a German TV producer heard him, liked the sound of his voice, and quickly booked him for his own monthly TV show in Bremen. Shut up. and fun, and you will have fun, and you will get a sense of humour working with the Germans. Will I be able to fillet a horse? I did nothing. Fucking I did nothing. I love a horse. Anyway, Dave goes on to say,

I used to specialise in being really nutty. Fucking mad me. I remember the first TV show I did, I walked up and unscrewed the camera lens. The cameraman was horrified because the Germans have a very strange sense of humour. No, they don't like cunts. They're a professional working on television.

And they don't like cunts. Going, I'll break your camera, mate. Oh, that's hilarious. But then they all suddenly fell about laughing and I was away. He's a cunt. I mean, we've had Jimmy Savile. I know.

But this is worse to me. Oh, come on. Oh, it's not as worse as being horrible to children who are infirm and vulnerable. Nothing could really be that bad. But almost, though. After that, they thought I was a nutter, a maniac. And so I used to do anything I wanted just to get a laugh.

Like huge lines of blow of prostitute's tits. He became known as Big Dave the English Nut. It was there his infectious humour. The hairy coconut. It was this infectious humour that he brought to Top of the Pops on one of the very early shows he suddenly leapt away from the microphone joined the group Mudd

and went berserk on the drums. I bet Mudd was like, get this fucking cunt off the podcast. I'm not a DJ, I'm a really dedicated all-round entertainer, says Dave. Seriously. He's awful, isn't he? Where Dave says Dave, seriously.

Yes, I'm really a entertainer. It might sound a bit big-headed to say so. It does. But I know I'm going to be a really big-name entertainer a few years from now. Just wait and see. I'll have a really monster TV show on my own. A monster TV show?

History's not been kind to you, Dave. It really hasn't, has it? He wanted Noel's fucking career. He did. He wanted Dave Lee Travis' house party. Okay. Paul, why didn't Travis get it? Because no one likes him.

I don't think anyone likes him. Well, he's a cunt, isn't he? Coming and messing with your camera. He's trying to fucking do a job. I'm pretty sure he's fucking pretty. He's trying to be mud. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And this c cunts on stage with you fuck off all ego yeah very little fucking talent what an ego guy he is yeah

like I know it sounds a bit big headed but I'm gonna be huge I am and they published it and also what gets me is why do they get

hairy weird looking scary people to present pop shows because you don't see well the thing is on radio, you don't have to have a look at them. But then they were like,

in front of the camera, and it's like, oh. That's the weird thing, isn't it? That was the route. You went from the radio to TV. And it's almost the opposite these days. Because you get those young kids that are on Radio 1 or whatever,

and they start off by being visible. The focus has changed. Because of the social media. Go from social media to radio. It's just back to front. So back in the social media, go from social media to radio. No, no, no. It's just back to front. So back in the day,

radio was what everyone listened to. If you couldn't afford a colour TV, you definitely had a radio. You used to listen to Radio 1 all the time. You knew The Breakfast Show. You knew all this shit. And then those celebrities, because they were huge for Radio 1,

just went to TV and pulled people to TV. Now it's the other way around. Big TV stars like Jimmy Carr or fucking Russell Brand or whatever will be offered to radio because they're like,

oh, we need the listeners. Can you fucking come on and do that? So that's kind of what he is. The pull is in a different way now. But Dave Lee. Dave Lee. But is he still even

on the radio these days? I think he does like gold 70s radio or something. Maybe. I don't fucking care. What an egotist. Get this. He says with such conviction that you have to believe him when he says,

I'm the Roy Castle of the DJ world. I can do a bit of everything. Sing, dance, tell gags. Wow. He runs his own disco shows, putting on a complete stage production, hiring dancers and doing a full act himself, which includes singing, playing music and doing lots and lots of jokes. That'd be a horrible show.

But I want to see it so much. It'd be awful. I bet there's footage of him doing it. I'll be stabbing my meters with a cocktail stick, but I would still want to see it. The show is aimed at young people in the 20s and 25 age group. This is the fucking sales bitch going on.

But his radio shows, he says, appeals to everyone, from teeny boppers to mums and grandmums. Oh, really? Dave is officially known as the hairy monster from 200 miles up the M1, a title given to him jokingly by Diddy David Hamilton a few years back. Who's a David Hamilton? David Hamilton was just like one of those DJs who did it till the day

he died, literally. You know, he's that kind of guy. He was the radio's radio presenter. They used to laugh at me because I came down from Manchester every week on the M1

to do my shows in London, said Dave, now living in Ealing, North London, with his wife, a beautiful Swedish blonde called Marianne. Oh my God.

You know, he's gone. Can you put down the fact that I live in a nice house with a fucking model, please? Just can you put that in? And it's so sexist. It's weird how times have changed. Because you wouldn't... How could you get away with that now?

Saying, oh, with his wife. His fucking blonde bit of tits. Wife cooped up. You know what I mean? His lovely bit of grumbles. Yeah. Oh, lovely. His wife fucking grungy,

just waiting for him at the dinner. Here's an interesting fact to add to this. Marianne, the Swedish blonde wife, came to Britain to work as an au pair. She met Dave in a

Manchester club on her first night in England and it was the best thing that ever happened to me, said Dave, with that monster grin showing through his whiskers.

Oh. What was going on? He started his working life straight me, said Dave, with that monster grin showing through his whiskers. Eww. What was going on? He started his working life straight from school as a designer in a posh store in Manchester, but he gave it all up and went working in the clubs as a teenage disc jockey for ten bob a night. I introduced the Beatles to their first Manchester audience, recalls Dave, in the

club called The Oasis. Could be true. He's mad on motorcars, loves drag racing in particular, and DLT is a walking encyclopedia of all kinds of music. I like virtually anything me, he says, but I prefer the more melodic kind of artist. I love Burt Bacharach, and I've been a great fan of Dusty Springfield for years. Kiki D is a great artist. I really dig her. Such an underrated singer.

And I like Isaac Hayes. Such a fantastic feeling for music. I don't care what kind of music people listen to, highbrow or lowbrow, just as long as it's good standard. That's the important thing. Well, Dave, fuck off. You got off.

You got down for groping a research assistant on your show. Well, it was a joke, though. It's because he's naughty and a wacky... Well, because he came on and went, fucking yeah, it's a joke laugh. Like that. He's cock-a-bonkers. And you go, oh, I'm fucking proper fucking bonkers and hard.

You know what I mean? I'm not to me. I'm a big dick. Yeah. It's a joke laugh. I'm fucking groping you. What an utter cunt. Now, people may be listening to this podcast and thinking, why?

Why have you not done anything on Noel Edmonds? There's a few pages on him in this book. Two very interesting pages. It's a treasure trove of old pedos. What's that insert? Oh, that is a receipt. So, if you're wondering

why we're not doing Noel Edmonds it's because the next episode we are finally going to expunge Noel from Cheap Show forever

by doing an episode just about fucking Noel Edmonds alright da da da so stay tuned because next week

on Cheap Show we're going full Noel full Edmonds we're getting in deep. I'm getting an Edmunds poultice nappy. And it's going to be all Edmunds, all show. I'm putting Edmunds in a nappy and strapping it to my head so I can only see Edmunds. And then never again.

Never again. I'm putting Edmunds in a Magi-Mix and then picking the pubes out and serving it to my aunt. Shut up. Hairy Blam it to my aunt. Shut up. Hairy blancmange, auntie. Shut it. I'm riffing. You're not. You're talking shit.

Hey, auntie. Get a load of this blancmange. It's made with Edmonds's. I'll pick the ears out for you. Thank you for listening to cheap show if you support us on patreon

thank you you can donate a little thank you so much you can yeah so go to patreon.com

absolutely love it paul love it trying to tell them the information oh fucking blah blah blah information go on

otherwise they can't. I haven't spoken enough in this episode. Do you know that? So let me do the information. Go on. If you like the show, you can visit. Shh, shh, shh.

Do it calmly. Do it quietly and clearly. Because right now, you're in twat mode. You've gone full Dave Lee Travis on me. Well, you think you're wacky. I'm kidding. You'll see, Paul. I'm an all-rounder.

And a few years from now, I'm going to have my own fucking network. EI's house party. Because everyone loves me. They love it when I talk and I interrupt them. They love it. Right. Can you carry on

and just fucking end this? We have a website if you want to see some of the items we've covered on the show. They'll all be there in lovely little pictures at www.thecheapshowpod.com.

No, just thecheapshow.co.uk. www. I've only been 80-odd episodes and you don't know a fucking thing. www.thecheapshow.com. .co.uk. Fucking hell. On Twitter, we're at thecheapshowpod. I am at Paul Gannon's show.

Eli is... Eli Snowid, which you will spell E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Yes, you will. Look for Cheap Show on Facebook and Reddit. You can get along and chat along and be involved with us there. Get along and chat along. Come along and chat along. Come along, Paul.

Go out! Stop it! Don't hurt me. Don't talk. What, don't talk stop it don't hurt me don't talk physically what don't talk yeah oh wait

is that how we're going to do shows now I won't show and come along and don't throw that egg thing at me it's worth money

god the mic's gone end the show goodbye no I've got to also say you can email us thecheapshow at gmail.com

now they can this is the worst sign off we've ever done because of your attitude. I need a wee. Right, good. Thank you for listening to The Cheap Show. Goodbye. See you next time for an old Edmund special. Goodbye.