CheapShow - Ep 82: The History of the Noel: Part One

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

Noel Edmonds. The man, the myth, the beard. Is he a talented, misunderstood, everyman of the entertainment world? Or just a mad, desperate lunatic who feels he should be considerably more famous? You decide... As we finally tackle the topic that's been hanging over us for so long. In this episode, Paul & Eli look at Noel's beginnings, read a rather crap interview with Noel from a 1975 Top of the Pops annual and then throw themselves into Crinkly Bottom... Kinda... they play the Noel's House Party board game... and end up with tired out wrists! But then... why is this Part One? Is there more to come in the future? Sadly, there may have to be... And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid

Hey! Yeah, that's right. It's cheap show time, ladies and gentlemen. Again, here it right. It's Cheap Show time, ladies and gentlemen. Again, here it is. It's Eli Silverman here. And in the studio, we've got a very special guest today. Very special guest. It's Paul Gannon, everybody.

Hello. Hello. It's the Wacky Breakfast Show Cheap Show Noel Edmonds Special. Let's rock! Okay! Hey, you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright?

It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? The price of the shite Shine This is called Gallantain Hello Eli Silver

Welcome to Geek Show I go and I nuzzle Shouldn't say let's rock Why? Because that's what Smashing Nicey say I know that's why

I said it though Yeah but Well then what? What should I have said? Something you came up with why because that's what smashing nice you say I know that's why I said it though yeah but well then what what should I have said something you came up with which communicates that

but let's go crazy with my musical jet gravy I like that yeah yes let's go crazy with my musical gravy

well okay then yes we decided it was about time to draw a line under the curse that has been hanging over us.

The bearded sword of Damocles. Noel Edmonds, it's time to purge. Do you want to take your coat off? No, do you want to make a decision on that? I'm ready here. Oh yeah. I'm not enjoying what you're doing and I want you to improve it. Go on, how?

and I want you to improve it. Go on, how? Well, yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's time that we draw a line underneath the terrible bearded sword of Damocles that's been hanging over cheap shows since, I don't know, yesteryear. Yes, everybody, it's the Noel Edmonds special. I mean, I am reasonably impressed

with the enthusiasm you put into that. Ha ha! Okay, Paul. What's coming up on this Noel Edmonds special we've got then, mate? Well, we're going to basically exercise Noel Edmonds from this fucking show. What, like an exorcist? You can stop that now. You can stop that now.

What, like? Well, how? How are we going to excise him, the hairy, bollock-headed fool? By just stripping it down. The thing is, ever since he did Cheep Cheep Cheep on Channel 4, right? How are we going to excise him, the hairy, bollock-headed fool? By just stripping it down. The thing is, ever since he did Cheep Cheep Cheep on Channel 4, right, he kind of became a nemesis for this podcast. And he started to possess your mortal soul.

He did. When you grew a beard and he crept in. He did. I started hanging out with celebrities and pranking them and giving them gotchas. You know, I did a lot of crazy things during that period of my life I'm not happy

well let's draw a line under your where Edmunds-ism and also about this whole show's obsession with Edmunds in general so because we

basically this is a line this pod is a line it's a line in the sand not a line in the sand no a line under

oh it's a line under our obsession with Edmonds. Okay. It's not obsession. It's just lingering cloud. It is kind of an obsession. But, Paul. He keeps popping up, though.

He does. He keeps popping up. He pops up everywhere. He's like laryngeal cancer. Nice. Fucking hell. Really, though? Are you going to go with that?

I mean, if you want to change it, you've got the chance now. Okay. Yeah, he keeps popping up. He's like herpes. Fine. Yeah, he keeps popping up. He's like, herpes. Fine. Herpes we can work with. But Paul,

fair enough. And I'm getting sick of discussing the whole... He is the syphilis of light entertainment. Do you know what I wanted to ask you, maybe, just as an aside to start with?

You know that, like, David E. Travers is known as the hairy cornflake. Yeah. Did Edmunds ever have, like, a nickname? Well, in this, which we'll get to in a minute, the annual, Top of the Pops annual from last episode,

they called him the man who can't stand still. Okay, he's full of energy. Suggesting he's got fingers in many pies. He's spitting lots of plates. And he does. He comes across like a bit of a devil boy of radio, of light entertainment. He's always got something going on.

He does. He did seem to have a lot of energy as well, you know. And I think in his early career, a lot of what he had going on was interesting, fascinating, and obviously he was building his brand. Now, he is cock-a-bonkers. He's cock-a-bonkers.

He's cock-a-bonkers, ladies and gentlemen. He's utterly cock-a-bonkers. And I think it's about time we purged Noel from the Chief Show. From our pod anus. Yes. We will strangle Wang Kim to death. This is a metaphorical arse wash. Cleaning the clingy bits of Noel Edmonds that are stuck in our lower colon

out of the pod's arse straight into the listener's ear. Yeah? Shooting Noel-flavoured diarr straight into the listener's ear. Yeah? Shooting no-flavoured diarrhea bits into your ear. Yeah. Like hot, spunky gravy

on a summer's day out in the sun spinning a plate. There's an elephant. I'm starting to I'm starting to dream whilst I'm awake. Bless you.

That sneeze was more enjoyable than what you just said just now. Okay, so what have we got on this special, Paul? Cheap Show is a toilet. Noel Edmonds is a big poo. Your ears are the gutter. We're going to flush Noel Edmonds from this podcast into your ear sewer. And that's right. And that's right.

So where do we start? I don't know. Who is Noel Edmonds? Obviously, we have a largely British audience that listen to this podcast, but people listen to us from way far afield. Don't fucking look at me because I know what you're thinking, and I'm thinking it too. Listen for us from way far afield.

Yes, Paul. People listen to us far and wide. In America, Australia, Germany, Croatia, Russia, Africa. Okay. Thailand. Are there people in Africa and Thailand? Wow. It's bizarre.

Maybe they're just British people out there going, I need to hear some fucking British nonsense. Yes, perhaps they are. But anyway, we love all of our listeners. We love them. Thank you so much for supporting us on Patreon. Thank you very much. And as a result, they might not know who Noel Edmonds is.

And frankly, God bless him. Give us a breakdown then. Well, Noel Edmonds is fundamentally a light entertainment presenter. Although he got his start on radio. Radio was where he grew his brand, his name, became the Noel Edmonds we all know and fear. So, and he was on Radio 1. Was that his first gig? I bet he started on a hospital

or he started... Shall we dig in? Shall we dig in to Noel Edmonds' life? Radio 1 Breakfast Show 275

285 Radio 1 Here we go. The life of Edmonds. Born 22nd December 1948. That means he's what? 60?

No. 50, 60, 70, 80, 90. Oh, so he's 70 this year? Yeah, I believe so. He's looking good for 70. I'll say that for him. It's all those crystals he fucking sticks in his eyes and his ass. He is immortal.

Yeah. So he just doesn't matter. He just is trying to... What he does is he he tries to appear mortal by you know aging because he controls his whole appearance he does but he just he still is quite vain although he's an immortal being yeah and he sort of you know he tries to make himself look good for 70 i think in fact if you saw the true countenance of Noel in the harsh light of the magic circle where he lives down on a pentagram with his cot in it. In a room with no mirrors. Yes.

Then you'd see the true face of evil. And a box full of foetuses that he's supped upon. His face is actually composed of writhing maggots. Oh, the dark Edmonds. The maggot-faced Edmonds. Anyway, he's a TV presenter and executive, it says on Wikipedia. Now, Edmonds first became known as a disc jockey on BBC Radio 1. He presented light entertainment TV shows for over 40 years.

Well, there you go, so he started on Radio 1. I wonder where they found him. Well, he must have had a pre-Radio 1 career. So many of them did, didn't they? He went on to do multicoloured swap shop for kids. That was the kids' breakfast Saturday morning show. Top of the Pops, the late, late breakfast show, which was his slightly more adult, you know,

but still family-friendly TV show. And then on to Teleaddicts. And then Noel's House Party and then Deal or No Deal. That's his TV career in a nutshell. Okay. He's done pretty well, hasn't he? He's done all right. There's a few tangents along

the way. Cheap, cheap, cheap. Noel HQ, which was fascist Noel TV hour,

was it? Because he got wicked to discuss how I hate immigrants. No, yeah,

but in a kind of what's wrong with Britain today? You agree, don't you? He's brainwashed

hundreds. He will cheer when I say cheer now. Cheer now! You know? It was him doing his

Hitler bit. It was like PC gone crazy. Bagpiper told to not play bagpipes after 9 o'clock. I bet he's a Brexiteer, isn't it?

Let's just get that out on the table right now. He's got to be, though. He has to be. The only way he wouldn't be is he

goes, oh, what about my business interest in Europe? I'll just go fly over in my chopper. I am no Edmonds. This is going nowhere. Stare upon the countenance of Edmonds and weep.

Noel Edmonds is the son of a headmaster who worked in Hainault, London. Explains quite a lot, doesn't it? Does it? Yeah, he's got a very headmasterly... You're right. He's like a cool headmaster. He's like a headmaster.

At his worst, when he's presenting, he comes across like a square old guy trying to be sort of funny and hip. And dad-jokey. He's so dad-jokey. That's a good point. I hadn't thought about that. That explains a lot.

He attended primary school in Clayhill and Brentwood School in Brentwood. He was offered a place at the University of Surrey but turned it down in favour of a job as a news raider on Radio Luxembourg. A news raider? Oh, for fuck's sake. Did I say that? But he turned it down in favour of a job as a news raider on Radio Luxembourg. A news raider? Oh, for fuck's sake, did I say that? But he turned it down in favour of a job as a news raider.

One more time. But he turned it down in favour... Fuck, he turned it down in favour of a job as a newspaper. No. He turned it down. He had a job as a newspaper. He turned it down, yeah. Look, Paul, just lay out the lay of the land down.

The Daily Knowle. The Daily Knowle. Let's just say that all again, because he really did scramble it like eggs. He was offered a place in the University of Surrey, but turned it down in favour of a job as a newsreader for Radio Luxembourg. Okay, so yeah. And it was offered to him in 1968 after he sent tapes to offshore radio stations. He made his own tapes.

He must have. He's ambitious. Well, if there's nothing else you can say about him, he is ambitious. He's always me me me see me look at me look at me I'm here look at me look how important I can be to you

look how impressive I can be look at my connections look at my dealings look at my this look at my track record he's built himself up he's built his career he's a bit of a del boy

I see what you mean you know what I mean he's definitely an opportunist a middle class del boy yes yeah with delusions of grandeur a bit nouveau riche

probably as well no in 1969 he moved to BBC Radio 1 Yes. Yeah. With Delusions of Grandeur. A bit nouveau riche probably as well. No. In 1969, he moved to BBC Radio 1. So, okay, there you go. He started on the Pirates like everyone else. He started on the Pirates, moved to Radio 1 where he was recording trailers for broadcasts and filling in for absent DJs such as Kenny Everett. So when Kenny Everett was like, I can't get out of bed today because coke.

Yeah. Did he? Was he? Yeahett was like, I can't get out of bed today because Coke. Yeah. Did he? Was he? Yeah. I mean, I believe so. The Freddie Mercury documentary that talks about him and Kenny Everett

working together had a lot of crazy parties. Let's just be fair to Everett and say, let's just say he's ill or he's not available. Yeah. So you'd get Edmunds to debt for it.

Because Everett would record seven shows at once and mix, dip and cut it all himself and then send them out to different radio stations. Yes. Like an absolute bad boy in radio

he was difficult to work with at times but a genius yeah but imagine the work doing your own

like seven versions of different shows in your home studio and then mailing them to people and that's wow yeah

and it was off at the very last minute so maybe a tape reel didn't get there on time one day and so Noel Edmonds was dragged in what a poor day for pop history Ever get there on time one day and so Noel Edmonds was dragged in. What a poor day for pop history.

Everett. You're expecting Everett but you get Edmonds. Yeah. And that's, isn't it just what life is like in general? Yeah. You want a bit of Everett

but you get a bit of Edmonds. Yeah, exactly. It's not fair. In 1970, Edmonds began his own two-hour Saturday afternoon show before replacing Everett on Saturday mornings

from 10 to... I wonder why. Again, Everett was like, fuck this, I'm not getting up on a Saturday morning. I've got a hangover. I think Edmonds was fired from the... No, I think Everett was fired from the BBC or certainly maybe he moved to a commercial station

and got a big money and then came back to the BBC for bigger money and that kind of thing. Yeah, doing that whole thing. Yeah, because I know I'm talking about Everett more, but didn't Everett... Wasn't the video show... What was that show called?

Oh, yeah. Everett's Video Vaults or... No, a video show, I think it was just called... Kelly Everett Video Show. I couldn't look it up. That was ITV, I think. No, it was BBC. Oh, was it?

Yeah, it was BBC. It was very BBC. With like... With the one that Barry Cry wrote for us. Sid Snotten. Yeah. And Cupid Stunt. And Cupid Stunt.

That was all BBC as far as I remember. I'm pretty sure it's BBC. That's actually right. And then when he did the whole you do you think i'm sexy and his bum got yeah it's weird how that's really memorable that once because he used to do that kept coming up on the clip shows yeah but i remember seeing it at the time and thinking oh weird and like oh yeah i'm thinking oh really yeah oh your bum's getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Can we move on because this is really awkward now. I'm going to jack it.

No, don't jack it to fucking Kenny Everett's inflating arse. Okay. Right? Draw a line. This whole pod is a line and I'm straddling it.

In 1971, he was moved to Sunday morning slot 10 till 12 before being promoted to host the Radio 1 Breakfast Show from June 73 to April 78. And as we all know, Paul, the Radio 1 Breakfast Show from June 73 to April 78. And as we all know, Paul, the Radio 1 Breakfast Show is the most famous job

in all of radio-dom. Yeah. It's recently moved again, hasn't it? Because they said that Grimshaw is being replaced by that. God, he's a fucking talent vacuum. Is he really? Yeah. Yeah.

Are they all a bit like that, the young presenters, these days? I don't know. I don't listen. We don't listen to it. I don young presenters these days? I don't know. I don't listen. We don't listen to it, do we? I don't listen to it. I don't know. I put BBC Radio 4 on and listen to the... I don't know.

No, do I. I just listen to the radio. I go home and I'm sick getting to bed and then I'll read the KY. I'll smooth the KY on my belly cracks. You fart as well. I did not fart. Did you fart? Take that back.

No. Did you fart? I would never do something like that in your presence. You would. You've done it four times today. I'm a respectable member of this community and any community, and I deny categorically farting whilst broadcasting this pod. So get on with it.

Yeah, but you did though, didn't you? You let out a little Tommy Squeaker. I can't help it. I can't. Anyway, yeah.

You ruined that with a fart. That bit's done. That bit's done. Took over from Tony Blackburn who went on to the show after him.

So that was the hand over there. And his stylist. It's like that documentary we both watched. Again, all the videos that we mentioned I'll link to on our webpage. You're going to link it to. That was very, very interesting.

And it showed him in the very early days when he was doing the Radio 1... Breakfast show. And he was very professional. Weekday. Well, that's the thing. What he lacks in... I don't know.

Because let's be honest. What he lacks in... Genuine warmth't know because let's let's be honest what he lacks in genuine warmth or humor that's it's two two things he's lacking in genuine warmth body warmth and humor yeah his humor's weak it's that jokey and it's also slightly sneery there's a slight bully yes nature to it's a bullying sort of you know sound to it he's very I mean I don't know

I don't know that's it is fair he is it's interesting he is often the butt of his own joke but sometimes you think

it's against his will like he knows he's gone oh I've got to do this joke where someone takes the piss out of me yeah you can almost see him cringing

where he takes the piss out of himself he doesn't embrace taking the piss out of himself but he knows at the back of his head he goes

I'm no language yeah yeah I do not deserve this yes so that means you can't be a true clown paul no unless you can accept the flop or accept yourself and that's it i don't think he can i think he does it with with a lot of artifice you can see he's not truly he pushes back yeah a little bit yeah he's like this is wacky but uh a bit uncomfortable yes you saw that a lot in cheap cheap cheap yeah when he was trying to be funny and that's why it didn't work one of the main a little bit. He's like, this is wacky, but a bit uncomfortable. You saw that a lot in Cheap Cheap Cheap when he was doing this. He was trying to be funny

and that's why it didn't work. One of the main reasons it didn't work is he is not funny. It's like, why is he crawling on the floor pretending to be a dog right now? I don't understand.

Are you doing any funny? It's like, if that was a Christmas party, you'd be like, can you get Uncle Noel out? Because I think he's about to touch the cat. Touch the cat?

Touch the cat. There are people who are funny. Yeah. And then there are people who are funny yeah and then there are people who are presenters and not and then you know

they always try and be funny they affect it and it becomes painful it's like entertainment isn't it traditionally you used to have people

who were brilliant comics in like entertainment Les Dawson for example yeah but then you have people who aren't such great comics as well but Noel Edmonds

I just think I think he's got the same problem DLT has is that they want to be an all-rounder which means they think they're good at comedy they think they're good at singing

they think they're good at this that and the other but actually they affect it or they convince themselves they are because it's a string to their bow to say that they do that

and then they also ride a horse but what did impress me with that documentary when you saw him doing the radio which is called like Now and Then or something but it's basically

comparing radio of 1978 when the documentary went out with radio from 1923 or something the DJ who was talking on there the presenter the early days of the BBC

and it's a juxtaposition of the two different jobs and roles great documentary really good really eye opening and no one knows what he's talking about

and what he's doing well that's what I was going to say but he's a robot he comes in and you just think wow that's very what he's doing. Well, that's what I was going to say. But he's a robot. He comes in and you just think, wow, that's very professional. He's doing all the timings for his little bits and he's doing it all. He's operating two

record players. He's timing out. He's back-timing everything. Back-timing stuff. Yeah. And then he goes, Vader up. I am no comedy bot. Here is gag I thought about during ABBA song. Money, money, money. Ha ha ha ha money money yeah but he must have been loved to a certain extent to be popular and that's the thing isn't it it's like we don't like him i

find him disingenuous and creepy but don't forget those house parties swap shop were huge hits but i think it's that headmasterly thing i think it's because he's the guy in charge of the wacky people or in charge of this crazy world he's gonna be a bit daddy but oh dear it's the sort of sobriety soberness behind the wacky you know it's just not it's just not very good comic oh dad's disco he's not funny he can't at the core of it is he can't self-deprecate it's not real when he says when he's self-deprecating but when he not real when he self-deprecates. But when he does confess to his depression and things like that,

even that comes across as, I'm just saying this so I sound human. I'm not saying he didn't have depression. I'm not saying he's having to cope with demons because he has earned

his demons, right? I'm sure he's doing it. But at the same time, I kind of feel like he's doing it because he goes, if I say this out loud, people will like me again. Yeah.

And it's a way for me to get back into the news. And then he goes, and I can cure cancer with a light box. And all of this sort of pseudo-scientific stuff that he spouts now, it's art as shit. You know what? And it's always really successful people, like entrepreneurs, who say, oh, all you have to do is think positively. It's like, well, yeah. It's easy for you to say, because you're rich. If that was actually the case Yeah Then the whole world

Would be millionaires Yeah Do you know what I mean If all you had to do Is sit down and fucking Think about a pile of money To have it You know what I mean

Well when you've got it And you've earned it And you have worked for it Yeah I'm not saying They haven't worked for their money No no But there was obviously A great deal of luck

And circumstance In anyone's life There is Time, place Who you know Yeah And obviously he's pushed himself To get where he wanted to be And you can imagine He's quite aggressive In terms of his image circumstance in anyone's life there is. Time, place, who you know. And obviously he's pushed himself to get

where he wanted to be and you can imagine he's quite aggressive in terms of his image and his saleability. Yes. But at the same time. Do you think he had

an agent at the time? Is that the way radio DJ personalities have? So he must have had a great agent in the late 70s. But during that documentary though, he

talks about how he's got other interests. Or maybe, actually, you know what? We're going to come back to this. Coming up is the news and travel, and then we'll be back to the Noel Edmonds Cheap Show Special.

Thanks. Welcome back to the show. It's 7.29 on... And it's that... Oh, no, it wasn't witty. I'm sorry. I was tryinguh-nuh-nuh of blah-blah-blah-blah and it's that. Oh, I know. It wasn't witty. I'm sorry. I was trying to do

a radio link and keep the feed button. We don't even want witty. We just want something, you know? Something. Let's take the piss out of Noel Edmonds more.

All right, that's it. Do you want to do something then? Yeah. Come on. Hello. Welcome back. Yeah.

Great. So, we will take this moment to now break and swerve over to what we talked about last week on the great so we will take this moment to now break and swerve over to what we talked about last week on the Top of the Pops annual

and here's the article that Noel Edmonds again like the Jimmy Savile one he just talks and someone's transcribed it and put it in the annual so is it less

utterly creepy and horrible than the Savile one I hope so it's the middle ground between the Savile one and the DLT one. It's like the litmus test of both ends, right?

So it's the neutral in the middle of naffness. Okay. Yeah? Okay. So the section's called Top DJs, right? And we've got Noel Edmonds, Tony Blackburn, DLT. And Noel Edmonds is the big name on this. Yes.

Let's crack on with it. Okay. And it starts with an interesting gambit, I think. So, Eli, take it away with Noel Edmonds. Now, this is a little article called Top DJs. Yeah. And Noel is there. And this is supposed to be in Noel's voice, is it?

Yeah, but don't do the impression. I don't. I couldn't. We can't. I can't. We won't. I won't. I will not.

Naughty boy. A few years ago now, a new unknown singer made his debut on the RCA record label. The song on the record was called Alcatraz, and the singer was a fellow called Kirk Houston. Hmm. That wasn't his real name, however. No? The real identity of the singer of that one and only record can now be revealed. It was none other than Noel Edmonds, now established as one of the presenters of Top of the singer of that one and only record can now be revealed. It was none other than Noel Edmonds, now established as one of the presenters of Top of the Pops.

What the fricking tits. Noel laughs now at the memory of it. I bet he laughs. I can see him doing it as well. The record wasn't so much released. It escaped. Oh, wacky. He quips.

Yeah. I really had a fancy at the time to be a singer. That's a strange old-fashionedips yeah I really had a fancy at the time to be a singer that's a strange old fashioned way of saying I had a fancy

yes I had a fancy to spunk in a horse's tail mane I had a fancy to no I'm not going to do that it's

unnecessarily dark and cruel was it about kids yeah oh god I know you so well. Yeah. Okay.

I really had a fancy at the time to be a singer, but not anymore. I promise. I've dropped that particular ambition. Oh. I know now. I now know my limitations. Oh, does he?

Does he, Noel? Do you? But do you? But do you? Shall we listen to Alcatraz by Noel Edmonds? Shall we stop there and listen to Alcatraz, Paul? Here's what it sounds like, all right? Here is that song by Kirk Houston.

Houston. Houston. Thank you. Brother and sister, open your eyes. Must your mind try to visualize a hell on earth where men ascend in effort to make the wicked repent? These poor men have left our world. Went on to this isle of their bodies.

A world escaped from this prison nobody has. Everyone dies on Alcatraz. Once in a cell a man can't stand. An identity number's burned on his hand. The food will be a cr crown but don't ask for more The bones of the grave are beneath your floor Defy the god and receive the lash Strike from the whiplash and ugly gash

Never breathe loud Gash The lord is forbidden on Alcatraz You know, that's enough of that. What do you think he's doing? That. What's he affecting he's doing? That. What's he affecting? What's that sound?

Is it like that 60s, hippie, proggish almost sound? No. It's a novelty record, plain and simple. But it doesn't sound like a novelty record. The novelty being Alcatraz. It's all about Alcatraz. But it's not spelt that way. It's spelt A-L-C-A-Z.

Yeah, but it's all about being in jail. It's sort of like, way it's spelt A-L-K-A but it's all about being in jail it's sort of like you know there was a lot of comedy songs around that time like trucker songs weren't there from the viewpoint of a trucker or from the viewpoint of

well famously a convoy yes but also I think he thought oh let's just do one from the viewpoint of an inmate at Alcatraz terrible what a weird thing terrible

I wonder what the thought process is behind he wanted to make a buck I mean what he's not a singer is he I mean you know okay shall I shall I continue yes that was the song okay not so very long ago I recall Noel saying quite emphatically so it's not from his viewpoint it's someone he's interviewing him okay my mistake not so very long ago I recall Noel saying

quite emphatically I cannot imagine myself as a disc joggy a disc joggy oh Paul you're so shit why don't you just stop I would like

I cannot imagine and maybe read away I cannot imagine... I cannot imagine myself as a disc jockey at 25. Well, he's now 25. In fact, coming up 26. Oh, God, was he 26

then? Very young. He looks like... Fucking cunt. He laughed when I... Precocious. You know what I mean? He was very young he looks like what a fucking cunt he laughed precocious you know what I mean he was precocious he laughed when I reminded him of what he'd said

I know says Noel but really I still feel I'm not cut out to be a disc jockey for a very long time oh we agree

I'm much more mature now oh dear over the last year I've really had to make up my mind about what I want to do career wise oh dear and I've discovered that I was really had to make up my mind about what I want to do career-wise.

Oh, dear. And I've discovered that I was really enjoying myself much more than I realised. I've now started appreciating how well off I am compared with lots of people and the jobs they do. I'm really a lot more fortunate than I thought. Yes, you... Yes. Yeah. Noel is a very philosophical kind of guy. Yeah, isn't he?

That is true, because he starts believing all sorts of crazy philosophy later in his life. Like, imagine a bunch of money, entire string around your wrist and you'll be cured of cancer. Yeah. Fucking quack. Didn't he just...

Didn't he try and sell some box that cured cancer as well? I think he was trying to do all kinds of get-rich-quick schemes. Sort of like there's a crystal in a box and it transmits to your chamber. Like, there was a court of deal or No Deal, wasn't there, where, like, people who came onto the show for that week

to be part of the Deal or No Deal cast were, like, getting behind the mantra of positive energy and blah, blah, blah, and chakras and colours, and Noel would say, oh, I can sense your aura, you're not going to win this. Oh, what a prick. Yeah. What a prick. Yeah.

Noel is a very philosophical kind of guy. For philosophical, read prick. Prick. I suddenly sat down. Boring prick. I suddenly sat down and started to think things out, he said. I think maybe I was trying to rush things too much. I was not sitting back and enjoying myself quite as much as I should do.

I was thinking too much of the next stepping stone in the river and not standing back to look at the pleasant view. I really had some very hairy fairy ideas not so long ago hairy fairy oh what i didn't want to be was just another disc jockey what i didn't then realize but i do now is that the best way not to be classed like somebody else is to simply do what they've done but do it differently. Yeah. Yeah. Rip people off and put a new name on them. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

Already I think I've proved that I'm not just another Tony Blackburn. Oh there now I'm getting a bit of ooh. Little fucking dig

there. You could see it as well when they did the crossover on that. Yeah. It's a bit like Tony Alan Partridge

and fucking the other guy the breakfast show. Yeah. That whole crossover thing. It really is and I think this is

another little bit of evidence that him and Tony Blackburn must have butted heads shall we say I reckon Tony Blackburn's sitting on a wealth of fucking dirt on Noel

oh dirt on Noel he's like just try it Noel because on that show just try it and I'll fucking tell you about 1978 in fucking

Bognoridgious Pontins yeah exactly and on that show on the documentary that we mentioned before when you fuck that dog's eye.

I don't know. That's what Noel's done. Yeah. Likes to have sex with animals, but only in their eyes. When they're dead. Yeah. Well, not at the end, they are, yeah. Ooh, he kills them with their penis in the eyeball.

Yeah, that's a fact. Okay. No, but on that show, they do do a crossover to Tony Blackburn. And Noel has a little thing where he goes, yeah, I always wait until he says my name and then I go out

and then I leave. So he's waiting to be... In case he gets a little... Tony gets a dig in. In case he gets a dig in so I can hear and dig him back next time tomorrow morning.

So he's proved that he's not another Tony Blackburn. Tony and I are two completely different personalities. Good. And we both have our quite distinctive characteristics. He's sort of saying something,

and you can see there's some negativity behind it, but he's not mentioning that. He's basically saying there's an age difference and an audience difference. And he's basically, oh, actually, Cudleaf, mum's favourite, and I'm a little bit more, ooh. A little bit more edgy, yeah.

Noel Edmonds thinks he's edgy. He does. As well as presenting Top of the Pops, he's now into all kinds of things. Oh, yeah. Dogging. Top of the dogs. Yeah.

Away from the radio and TV studios. Which he fucks in the eye. When he's not in the studios, he's busy in other fields. Popping the dogs. For instance, he's quite an enterprising young businessman. Yeah.

With a young business partner, Noel owns a couple of record shops. Now, I didn't know he was a businessman. Yeah. With a young business partner. Noel owns a couple of record shops. Now, I didn't know he was a record shop owner. There you go, then. One in London, Swinging Kings Road, and another in Orpington. Not so swinging. Not so swinging. Where's Orpington?

It's outside London, I think. I think it must be. Pop music is my business, says Noel. And I think I know by now just what the record's kids like to buy and to hear. Yeah, I'm sure he just listens to the top 40. Yeah, fucking, it's not hard, is it?

No. He has strong views, however, on why a lot of people often neglect LP records but put out, often neglect LP records put out by artists and concentrate only

on buying singles. There's a whole lot of good material on many albums and they are much better value for money, he says. Oh, he's anti-singles. He's anti-singles.

Boring. He likes the prog rock multi-track albums. Yeah, he does, doesn't he? Yeah, he likes the twins. He's so middle of the road. As an example, take Gary Glitter. And Rob and I, a lot of the singles he puts out are fine, but they are very short-lived.

But I'm sure some of the kids had no comprehension that Gary Glitter could actually sing a song like Happy Birthday until I played it from one of his albums on my radio programme. It's really an excellent piece of music. I'm sure he didn't have Gary Glitter's children fans didn't have

much of a comprehension of his predilection for that self-same age audience. No. He was a dirty boy he went around the world he liked to pay for sex with little boys and girls he's gary glitter he's gary glitter oh my god he talks about how he likes to drive his on his private car on his private land with his escort rs 2000 oh and you're okay you see i'm really a frustrated TV comedian. I'd like to do more comedy on TV. Oh, here we go. What a young girl

who was in the audience for Top of the Pops knows just what Noel means. Because she saw his dick and laughed. Noel asked her during the show, Do you like surprises? She innocently replied, Yes. He turned around and then suddenly turned back and shouted boom oh the audience

roared with laughter including the girl that's what no means by being a zany character oh wow does it use the word zany zany wow zany so on the back of that he went on to do the late late breakfast show which is his first saturday evening again a prime time tv yes family magazine comedy show with wacky characters and celebrity guests and games and prizes and giveaways and features. But it was next. It was what came next. And what was that, Paul?

The jewel in the BBC crown of the 90s. That was Noel's house party. You can boil Noel Edmonds down to that fucking show, I think. That is it it that's the big show yeah slickly produced high production value lots of games wacky crazy characters comedy segments noel was the daddy in charge of all of it spinning the plates and of course mr blobby he made his debut on noel's house party did he? Yeah. Okay. And when did it start? Early 90s. Yeah, because Mr. Blobby started off as a spoof character.

The idea was meant to be. But the Blobby single, which got to number one, was 93, Christmas 93. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, so. That's a number. The show started maybe a couple of years earlier. Oh, it must have been maybe late 80s then. Okay.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. Right. But either way, Noel's House party was just this huge cultural BBC thing so it sounds very similar to Cheep Cheep Cheep like he tried to sort of do another

Noel's house party with Cheep Cheep Cheep a little bit because he creates a swirl doesn't he in Cheep Cheep Cheep where it's like he runs a local shop

and there's a character that come in and he probably wanted to call it Crinkly Bottom's Corner Shop but couldn't use the rights anymore

because the BBC said no just fucking stop it it Crinkly Bottom's Corner Shop but couldn't use the rights anymore because the BBC said no just fucking stop it put Crinkly Bottom down it was Channel 4 that it came out on wasn't it Cheap Cheap Cheap did yeah but maybe the BBC just called him

and went if you fucking dare Noel if you didn't the BBC own the copyright for Crinkly Bottom maybe no he would have owned it he wants to forget

Crinkly Bottom ever happened maybe since the theme park died and it. He wants to forget Crinkly Bottom ever happened. Maybe, since the theme park died and Noel Edmonds is kind of that smell that lingers around him. I'm sure that's like his emu. You know, Rod Hall and Emu. Yeah, yeah.

Blobby is Noel's emu. It certainly is. And I think that's what brought him down eventually, you know. The success of Blobby and the way Noel's house party... It's where he treated

the Blobby people who worked on his theme park. You will fucking dance for me you will dance for me put the suit back on yeah put it on you like that

do you need some encouragement to put the suit back on you know I can feel your aura I'm gonna fuck your rubber legs so

so yeah so there's loads we can go into and we really don't have the fucking time we really fucking don't are we gonna have to do two Noel Edmonds specials

Paul I think we should. Maybe. Because we need to talk about the Late Late Show breakfast accident. We need to talk about Deal or No Deal's cultism. We need to talk about Lloyd's bank fixation, his pet thing. There is so much darkness to dwell into. But, I don't know, should we, though?

I think we just don't have the time paul to cover it all so shall we we're all knoll's house party now shall we finish the show off by playing one of your lovely board games and it's the knoll's house party board game special let's do that well it's saturday night it's bbc one and it's time to go to Crinkly Bottom and see what it's like down in Noel's House Party. guitar solo So yeah, I saw online Noel's House Party board game. I thought, I'll have that. Because you're game crazy. I am board game crazy at the moment.

It's an obsession. Are you ready to play Noel's House? Let me set it up. So I got the board game Noel's House Party and it came and it's all in very you ready to play let me set it up so I got the board game Noel's House Party and it came and it's all in very very good condition

very good condition indeed it's over 20 years old as well it is over 20 years old 93 it came out as you said Blobby came out the same time

same year so this must have been a big time for Noel selling board games probably the high point of his whole career maybe the 90s would have been his most vacund.

That's a completely made up word. Fecund is what you're looking for. It means ripe or fertile. Oh, that was close. No, it wasn't. What you meant to say is it was his most fruitful. Okay. It was his most fruitful of periods in his life.

His most fecund. So, we're going to play the board game Noel's House Party. Now, we've had a quick look through the rules. We've both got a car.

We know what we're doing. But basically, the idea is you move around the board earning money doing questions and pranks and all kinds of things. And at the end of the time, you put all your winnings

in the grab-a-grand booth. Grab-a-grand booth. Which is this plastic construction put together with a pump next to it. Which is a very similar idea to the Crystal Maze endgame. A little bit, yes. And the idea is all your money you put in, you pump it till it all flies out. And then at the end of the time, you count how much flew out. And in the TV show, they did just chase notes around.

Well, they were in the booth at the time and you had to grab it. I'm not getting into that. You might do. You're small enough, aren't you? You tiny, hairy prick. Fuck you. Yeah. So they've got this talent test,

but I'm presuming that will make sense once we get to MTV. But because the pen on it doesn't work, it's meant to be one of those wipe-off pens and I don't have one. We're just going to have to go on faith, all right, on this. So no writing it down.

So are you ready to play I will let you go first because I am nice I'm spinning the thing so we have to spin this little dial which has numbers one to eight on and what what's this

thing about clocks if you land on two or six which both have a clock on you have to put a clock in there okay and then once that's full yeah that means that game's over yeah and

you have to go to the tank. This could take forever, so I'm going to set a timer right now of 20 minutes, and then we're going to end the game after 20 minutes, yeah? But then we're going to have to do the tank after 20 minutes. Yeah, but that's fine, because then that's plenty of time. All right.

Yeah? Yeah. Here we go. Start the clock. Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Right, I'm spinning the thing.

Imagine a 20-minute countdown. Spin. Six. Oh, six. So you already add a clock to the clock holes. Yeah, it doesn't make any difference though, does it? It doesn't make any difference. And it goes.

I'm still doing it. I'm still doing it. So this basically tells the length of the time of the game then, the clock holes. I get to go six? Yeah. Move me, please, Paul. I believe it's this way. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Gotcha. Oh, you hold the gotcha. What does it say about the gotcha? When you play a game, you earn double money because you've hold the gotcha. What does it say about the gotcha? When you play a game, you earn double money because you've got the gotcha. Is that what it says? Give the gotcha token.

I've got the token here and it's like an Oscar, but it's like a guy being grabbed around the waist, weird, by a huge fist. Which is, funnily enough, exactly what Daily Traveller's got in trouble for.

Oh, yeah. Hey, all. Give the gotcha token to the player of your choice. Now, I give it to the player of my choice. Oh, okay. Good. I got it. Which is me.

Oh, I've been gotcha'd. And then what? Depending on the space instructions. Yeah. What does it say on my gotcha? Take it for yourself. Right, I'm taking it for myself. So you have to have it, yeah.

Okay. Whoever holds the gotcha token doubles the pounds they receive on all of their turns while they have it. Bullshit. Oh, yeah. Okay, that's bullshit. Who's going to win? Right, I'm going to spin the thing. Who's going to win?

Who's going to win? Who's going to win? I fucking shank you, car. Shut up, I'm spinning it. Spin the fucker. Four. One, two, three, four. Knock, knock.

Go to the doorway and ask the player to your right to take a knock, knock card and ask you the questions. Give me a knock, knock card. All right, here we go. Knock, knock. So basically, you've got the number of clues and the quicker you get it, the more points you get, yeah? The more money you get, yeah. These are the monies in this little bag. Oh, I love the money.

Love it. Little bits of paper that look like raffle tickets with five pound printed on. Is that it? Yeah. All fivers. Shit. Shit. Go on.

You ready? Yeah. Say knock, knock. Knock, knock. Who's there? No, that's me. Because I'm going to fucking play that. I'll say knock, knock.

Yeah. Knock, knock. Who's there? That's a clue, do I? Yeah, a clue. The most expensive clue. The one that's hardest to get. So I have to guess who's behind the door

based on these clues I'm a film actress oh that narrows it down let me see it's 1990s I'm going to say Julia Roberts wrong alright okay

so what's the next one how much is it worth 25 quid okay knock knock who's there oh she became Mrs DiMaggio

every time you've got to fucking say that knock knock no you don't is that what you're doing I'm just doing it oh I like it I just wondered

if it was part of the game you changed you changed your shoe I'm not an animal you're gonna get it you're gonna get it now alright okay so second one was what

sorry she became Mrs DiMaggio and Mrs Miller oh Marilyn Monroe right

ding ding ding so how much money was that worth 25 so I have to take 5 £5 notes out that's right 1 2 Marilyn Monroe. Right. Ding, ding, ding. So how much money was that worth? 25. So I have to take five £5 notes out. That's right. One,

two, three, And I'm going to spin the thing whilst you're doing that, Paul. four, five. There you go. All right, cool.

I'm eight. Eight places. One, two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight. The music game. What does it say on the square there, Eli? On what square? The one there. Does it say on the square there, Eli? On what square? The one there. Does it say the same as all the others?

There, read that. The player to your left takes a music card and reads aloud the question to you. All right, here we go. Are you ready? Yes. For £20, pick up a newspaper book or magazine, open it randomly, and sing the first paragraph in the style of Michael Jackson. He's picking his Moog book up

and he went, Ooh, Shmoan, being unknown as a bass player. Ooh, ha, in America. Ooh,

come on. Ooh, Shmoan. You know what? Stop. Here's 20 quid. 40. Is it?

No, it didn't. It said 20. Because I've got the gotcha. You prick quid. 40. Is it? No, it didn't. It said 20. Because I've got the gotcha. You prick. Give me 40. Woo-hoo. Yeah. Woo-hoo.

All right, you can stop that now. It's not fucking DuckTales. That is 20. Woo-hoo. 25. 30. 35. 40.

Happy? Happy. You miserable fucking Dave Lee Travis knockoff. Okay. I spin. Have a little spin Dave Lee Travis knockoff. Okay. I spin. Have a little spin there, Paul. Two. Two, not very good.

Well, I put a clock in. Well, who fuck your clock? Two. One, two. Gotcha. Take it for yourself. Ging-a-ding-a-ding. That's what it says.

Give it at me. Give it at me. Give it at me. Now it's your go, fat-faced tit-cunt. One. One. NTV. Take an NTV card.

So what does the NTV card do again? Take the top NTV card and act upon its instructions. Okay. When finished, replace the card with the back of the pack. Okay, I need you to hide three coins in your hand. I don't have three coins. Well, this is stupid. Give me another one.

You must eat something without using your hands. The player on your left chooses what you must eat. Close your flies. I'm my little dick. It should be a piece of fruit, a sweet or a biscuit. No tinned food. Nuts. I want you to pour some nuts on the table and eat

them. Pour a little bit of nuts just there on the table and I want you to eat them. Eat your nuts. It's like watching a dog eat. It's very impressive, ladies and gentlemen. He's throwing them back. He's munching.

He's munching. Oh, there's old slobber on the table. Oh. Do I get my money? Yeah, how much was that? That's disgusting. That's one of the worst things I've ever seen with my eyes. God almighty.

There you go. There's your money. That was disgusting. Put the MTV card back on the bottom. Right, my go. Spin it, spin it. I might win it. What's that?

Eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. It's the music game. Oh. Right, so what does that four, five, six, seven, eight. The music game. Right, so what does that say? You have to read me a music thing. Here you go. What are you doing? I'm just looking at the rules. For £20? Yes.

Pick up any newspaper, book or magazine, open it randomly. No, we've done that one. No, we haven't. And sing the first paragraph in the style of Mick Jagger. I'll read the rules then. I'll read the first paragraph in the style of Mick Jagger I'll read the rules then I'll read the first paragraph of the rules

alright separate the four ends of cards A, B and C wait till I get you home place and put it near the board

shuffle the remain of the pack and place it down take my money Paul I love it it's 40 it really amuses me And playing near the board. Shuffle the remind of the peck. And play sit down. Take my money, Paul. I love it. It's 40. It really amuses me. Do you know what?

Do you know what really amuses me? What? People doing impressions of Mick Jagger. Really? Yeah, I love it. I don't know why. I fucking love it. Always have, always will.

So I got 40 for that because I've got the gotcha. Oh, you little prick. Oh. So it's your turn to spin, dear. Eight. Right, you are red. Move me. Oh, little prick. Oh. So, it's your turn to spin, dear. Eight. Right, you are red. Move me. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Wait till I get you home. Why? Will you spank me until I come? Yeah. You will. If I can make that happen, that makes me God. Is that what we do in the show? Wait till I get you home.

Take the top card, wait till I get you home, and then read aloud the questions to the person indicated. So hang on, wait there. Give this player the four answer cards. They must choose the card which matches their answer

and place it face down in front of them. So basically, there are four options, A, B, C, or D. You pick one, and then I've got to guess which one you pick,

all right? Well, don't I pick one and you get one? No, I read it all out to you. You pick A, B, C, or D. Because I landed on it. Yeah. All right. And then I have You pick A, B, C or D. Because I landed on it. Yeah. All right.

And then I have to guess A, B, C or D. Which one I picked. Yeah. Yeah. All right. And you have to just be honest. Okay. Okay?

So this is worth 20 quid if I get... Excuse me. You get money. I get money. No, you get... Hang on. Read the fucking thing properly, Paul. Give me the rules and let me...

Oh. Wait, who gets the money? You give the answer. I think they might... If you are right, then... So I who gets the money? You give the answer, I think they might... If you are right, then... So I have to read it, you have to guess what my suggestion is. Let me see.

I landed on it. So I have to pick A, B, C or D if you guess. Take the top card. I take the top card. Yeah. Now, you've already seen this one, so give me a new one. Okay, okay.

Fine, fair enough. I take the top card and read aloud the question to the person indicated. Well, who's the person indicated one. Okay, okay. Fine. Fair enough. I take the top card and read aloud the question to the person indicated. Well, who's the person indicated? That's what I'm thinking. What does that mean? What does the person indicated mean? Maybe it's the person on the card in the question. Oh, yeah. Yeah?

It's you, isn't it? Yeah. Give this player the four answer cards. Where are the four answer cards? They don't have them. It's meant to be A, B, C, or D. Oh. They must choose a card which matches the answer they wish to give

and place one card face down. So you have to be honest. Yeah, I'll be honest. I promise. Place one down in front of them. You then give the answer you think they have given.

If you're right, you get the money. If you're wrong, they get the money. Place a card to the mark of the pack when finished. Alright, so here we go. Which sport, Paul, if you will,

which sport best shows off your physical prowess? Would it be tennis, golf, tiddlywinks, this shit? Can I just say that now? All right. What the fuck is this one? I haven't thought this through. Read into the microphone. A, tennis, B, golf, C, tiddlywinks.

D, other. Other? States what? It says in brackets. Oh, I have to do some work, do I? No, so I'd have to guess. If I picked D, I'd have to then say, oh, it's ice hockey. And if you guessed ice hockey, because you knew me really well, then you'd get the money.

Yes, I have picked one. I'll give you this as a gimme. It's not going to be D. All right? So I can't be fucked with that. How can I ever trust you again? After you maybe... After the poo time?

Yeah. After I trust you again. Well, I'm going to be honest. I have picked A, B, or C. All right? I've not picked D. It's A, B, or C. Which one do you think I've picked? C. Tiddlywinks. No, the answer's golf. I will do golf because my dad used to go golf with me and all this.

I mean, I used to go golf with my dad. Shit game! And I like a nice walk. So there you go right my turn you get money do you do I get money

yeah because I got it wrong right good 20 quid for me fuck you 20 quid for me 1 2 3

this game is not official scoop was official time to spin 4 1 2 3 4

wait till I get you home so it's my turn now. To be honest, do I? Yeah. Okay. Look to the play on the left. Okay, that's me. Would you say you are musical?

Oh. A. Yes, you have Van Gogh's ear for music. B. Only while singing in the bath. C. You're the oldest child prodigy in the world. Or D. Other state. You know, let's just not do D. Let's do D, other. Well, that means you're going to fuck me and get 20 quid.

Because you're an insidious DLT looking twat. Whatever, mate. It's not going to stick. You DLT. All right, we'll say ABC. Right. Which are those? Give me them again.

A. You have a good ear for music. B. Only when you sing in the bath. Or C. You're the oldest child prodigy in the world I don't even really know what that fucking means I picked one I'm gonna say C

No A Why? Because I'm not very musical as you said Yeah but A is very musical No he said Van Gogh's ear for music

Van Gogh cut his ear off Oh I didn't even get that Just get with it Paul Yeah I'll give you 20 quid then That's

I mean it's not a very good joke it is way like no you're right that was very poor it's no humour 1 2 3 4 it's no humour

but it was humour right my turn 2 and another clock in the hole clocks are meaningless like most of this game well because

yeah but because we're on a time this is meaningless I'm counting me tokens they really haven't put much effort into making this money. Knock, knock.

Go to the doorway and talk to the player on your right. Here we go. Give me the knock, knock card. Here we go. Here we go. Hit me with it. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Historic figure. Henry VIII. No. No. Well, it's a shot in the dark. It's a really broad fucking first question. If I got that, I deserve double. In fact, I would do because I still have the gotcha. Knock, knock, it's a shot in the dark. It's a really broad fucking first question. If I got that, I deserve double. In fact, I would do because I still had the gotcha.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Had a pal called John. Had a pal called who? Had a pal called John. John. John. Had a pal called John.

He had a pal called John. Historical figure with a pal called John. I don't fucking know. Jesus. No. Jesus, he did have a friend called John. I don't fucking know. Jesus. No. Jesus, he did have a friend called John. I don't. It's not him.

All right. Well, then, next one. Well, fuck you. All right. Next one. Knock, knock. Who's there? Had a girlfriend named Marion.

Robin Hood. 40 quid. Yay. Paul is gonna go doodum deedum doodum do. I am twisting the I'm spinning the wheel 5 6

6 for me 8 move my red one round 6 1 2 3 4 5 6 again what does that say take another turn go on

2 1 2 NTV oh NTV what does it say no no yeah because you're gonna do this and then win points I'm singing the music from any TV adverts and TV. What does it say? No.

No, yeah, because you're going to do this and then win points. Sing the music from any TV advert. Go on then. Curry Motors, nice people to do business with.

What? No, it's a good choice. Yeah. It's a deep cut. I appreciate deep cuts because I would have gone with Shaken Back. Nice people

to do business with. How much is that worth? 20? 10. Oh, okay. That's bullshit. That's what it is. Put it at the bottom of the pack. 10. All right, next. I would have gone with Shaken Back Nice people To do business with How much is that worth 20 10 Oh okay That's bullshit That's what it is Put it at the bottom of the pack

10 Alright next Nice people To do business with Alright fucking hell You're not going to get any adverts Doing that Spin

5 Salty Paul Oh no it's your go So you spin Sorry Or was it my go No it's my go 1, 2, 3, three four five the music game oh

music game for 20 quid oh pick up any newspaper book or magazine open it randomly and sing in the style of cliff richard oh i like to hear this the gender ambiguity but the david recollection oh of

carlos's no it's not good, Paul. I mean, with the Mick Jagger, I could have guessed it was Mick Jagger. No one could guess from this shit. No, what? That's not what he sounds like. What do you mean, no? No, you don't get the money. You don't get the money.

Four minutes on the clock. Five. Five. One, two, three, four, five. Knock, knock. Oh, my turn. All right. Here we go.

Knock, knock. Who be there? For £30, historical figure. Henry VIII. Oh, you're not right. But here we go for £25. He died of wallpaper poisoning. That's right.

Wallpaper poisoning. Wallpaper poisoning. That's what it says here. At least it had lead in the wallpaper. He died of wallpaper poisoning, so he did. A diddly diddly. Oscar Wilde. No, it's not him.

But I know where you're going with the witty. He said this is what he did. Or I go. It's very witty. Anyway, for £20. Can you stop with the accent? It's very or I go it's very witty anyway for £20 can you stop with the accent it's very racist no I like this one

he had an interest in brandy so he did so he did an interesting brandy so he did so he did he had a brandy

he had interest in brandy he has it was an interest in brandy he liked his brandy would I know this you should know who it is. A diddly diddly. You're going to get it on the next one, I think.

Well, give me the fucking next one. For 15 pounds, he missed his chance at Waterloo. So he did, so he did. A diddly diddly. Admiral Nelson. No. For 10 pounds, he disappointed Josephine. Hardy.

No, no, no. Number £5. French Emperor. Napoleon. There you go. Give me a fucking fiver. I can't believe you didn't get that at Waterloo. So you did, so you did.

I didn't know he was Waterloo. My, my. Right, my go. Out. Seven. Seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven Knock, knock Your turn

Give me the card Don't try and fucking look I didn't look Knock, knock Who's there? Do an accent Sportswoman What?

Don't do an accent Sportswoman Sportswoman Sportswoman Sportswoman Sportswoman Sportswoman Sportswoman Sportswoman I've got to be honest with my accent Paul

Do you like my accent? I don't even know what you're doing I don't know what I'm doing myself Sportswoman I just do this I just do this voice

Stop doing your voices Hello It's a sportswoman Have you guessed it? No Next Fatima Whitbread No Alright next. Fatima Whitbread.

No. All right, next. An Essex girl. You have to say knock, knock. Knock, knock. An Essex girl. I don't know, next. Who got faster once they put hurdles in her way?

Tessa... Tessa Sanderson? No. Oh. For £15. Did a lap of honour in Barcelona. Did a lap of honour in Barcelona. You know what? I'm not going to get this.

Will you fucking do it? Because I had to fucking go through it as well. Juliet Stevenson. Barcelona. I don't know. Juliet Stevenson? Yeah. That's fucking poor, man. For £10. I don't know. Juliet Stevenson. Yeah. That's fucking poor, man.

For £10. I don't know. After winning gold in Barcelona, they've been. Sharon Davies. You are so shit, aren't you? Yeah. And your last clue, and I want to hear a knock-knock from you. Knock-knock.

Britain's 1992 Olympic 400-metre hurdles champion. Don't know. Don't fucking care. You don't want to know then? No. Who is it? I'm not telling you. No, you've got to tell me.

I'm not. You don't care. You just told me. All right, fine then. I don't care. You have no empathy. I'll just check it later. You don't even like...

You spin. You won't check it. You spin. You won't bother checking it. You spin. You'll never know. Spin. We've got a minute and a half left.

Sally Gunnell. Five. Oh, what a weak, pissed, poor effort. One, two, three, four, five. Yours was. Music game. For £15, direct someone from your home into the town centre by singing the directions to the style of a heavy metal band.

Go on. Oh, bull! You get the 29 bus from the shop near my house. There you go. No, no, no. No money for that. I should get money for that. Nope.

No money for that. And there money for that Nope No money for that And then you go First of all Into town On the 29 bus Stop it That's not impressive It's not

It's just not impressive You go on the 29 Tonight you get Can I take money Away The 29 I'm spinning this Because you're not getting money

Two Fuck the clock One two Wait till I get going I'm spinning this because you're not getting money too fuck the clock oh you will be I'm going to do okay ask me those and I'll tell you which one

which one I pick which one you pick what is the most I'll do this in the heavy metal song no no no no please don't please don't

please don't I love how you really mean that there's 10 seconds left I love how you really mean that I did mean that what is the most that's the most sort of convincing thing please don't. I love how you really mean that. There's 10 seconds left. I love how you really mean that. I did mean that. What is the most, that's the most sort of convincing thing. Oh, there we go.

We fucked it. You fucked it, but that's fine. So let's now count our money. How much have you got? I've got 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 95 pounds. 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120. Right, so now all you90, £100, £110, £120. Right, so now all you've got to do, right, it's very simple,

is you've got to put your money in the Grab-A-Gran booth. I put my money in there. In there. You go first. And you've got to pump it. You go first, you've got the most money. Oh, do I? Have you got your phone nearby?

No, you don't. Just count to 30, okay? I'm putting my money in the Grab-A-Gran booth. Yeah, you're the highest, so you have to go in the Grab-A-Gran. I've got 30 seconds. Ready to pump all the money out. 3, 2, 1, go. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30.

Stop! Stop now! Try and cheat. And then you count what? It's just picking bits of shit up off the floor. Is that what this game? Is that it? 10, 120.

It all came out. It all came out. Right, you win. I win. Put yours in. No, why should I pump it? 110... 120! It all came out! It all came out! Right, you win. I win! Put yours in. No, I don't... Why should I pump it? I wanna see you pump it.

This is pointless. Pump it. How many seconds do I get? If you can... If I tell you what, if you can pump all yours out... Yeah? You can win. I'll let you win.

I need, what, 30 seconds? 30 seconds. Starting from... Now! One, two... Fucking idiot. Four... I'll let you win. I need what? 30 seconds? 30 seconds. Starting from... Now! Fucking idiot. Four. Five. You hold the pump! Not the booth! Start again!

No! You can't fucking... You broke it! No! I start again, what's happened to you? You were holding it... No! You had your chance and you fucked it. No, start again. You broke Noel's grab-a-grand-roof. That's it. It's all over., you've broken... You had your chance. No, start again. You broke Noel's grabber grand roof. That's it. It's all over. I haven't broken...

I am the king... I am the king... Shit game. ...of Noel's house party, all right? That's what needs to be remembered here. Shit game. I can't believe we're doing more Noel. When's part two of this going to come out, Paul?

28-19. 28-19. 28-19, yeah. That's not even a time. Let's end this. All right. You've been listening to Cheap Show. What's the Noel Edmonds special?

Well done. It's going to be a part two, potentially in the future. That was part one. We're going to have to cover, Noel, the later years and the incident. The incident. And all of that. Let's do that. I love this.

Thank you. That's five. All right. Don't touch me. Yeah, but that's what we're going to do. I'm very upset that we're releasing this at all. I've regretted the idea ever since we started talking about it. Halfway through, really?

Why? A bit dry. It was very dry. But some interesting things have come out of it. Okay. So follow us on Twitter at The Cheap Show Pod. You can see pictures and videos that accompany this episode at our website, thecheap out of it. Okay. So, follow us on Twitter, at The Cheap Show Pod. You can see pictures and videos that accompany this episode at our website,

thecheapshow.co.uk. See Paul furiously wanking off a piece of machinery. As per usual. Reddit page we have, Facebook page we have, we have a Tumblr page as well. I'm on Twitter, at The Cheap Show Pod,

and at Paul Gannon's show, and Eli is... Eli Snoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And that's it. We've talked for long enough thank you for joining us for Cheap Show

see you next time goodbye thank you bye