CheapShow - Ep 83: Mouth Sounds

Episode Date: July 6, 2018

How many characters can CheapShow sustain? Has Paul created one too many pointless, annoying characters? Eli seems to think so, in this, our magnificent 83rd episode! It's all the usual larks and laughter, covering all your favourite segments... and even some you probably hate too. We have Tales from the Dancefloor, "Mi Casa, Su Casa", Cheap Eats and The Price of Shite. It's a ruddy packed show! Eli huffs some potentially poisonous fumes, Paul decides to turn every single bloody moment into an opportunity to make more infuriating animal sounds and voices and it all leads to CheapShow's typical concoction of comedy and violence!

There's lots more to come on the Cheap Show Network, launching August 2018. You can now listen to Eli Silverman's spin-off podcast, Noodle & Nuzzles. Here's a clip from it now. It's not a spin-off. It's a whole new thing. And it's not called Noodle & Nuzzles. It's called Noodle Time with Eli and Mark. And it's a real thing.

Stop fucking out, Ned. It's not up to you whether it's happening or not. It is happening. Why do you have to be so combative? Here's me coming up to a lovely, lovely improvise. I don't want your ideas. I don't want your input

on the noodles, okay? Where's the noodle special of Jeff's show? The theme tune of our pod starts with you saying, fuck you and your noodle posse. I stand by that comment. Well, there you go.

Don't try and fucking cuddle up to me. But where's our noodle special that you've been promising for well over a year now? You mean the best thing that's ever going to happen to either of us, professionally or personally? If that's true, I'm just going to end it all. You'll want to because you'll know. No.

You'll melt in the shimmering shimmering glowing all-encompassing light of my genius with a new special land it'll be giving you a year end day end day is coming is it end day it will be like the singularity like a doomsday intelligence for this podcast well your whole land you're talking utter fucking gobbledygook just for once what play along with the

suggestion oh let's pretend we've got a network for cheap show and here's a clip of you talking noodles for a little bit and it would have been like

oh I'd do it again fine no no go on I don't want to no you fuck I'll podcast

every podcast and we go oh I shrunk my intro I shrunk my intro oh I'm so tired alright well let's do something new here's something I'm not going my intro. I'm so tired. All right, well, let's do something new.

Here's something. I'm not going to do this. I'm not doing this either. You can't make me. You didn't say, I'm going to do a bit where I do some weak improvisation and try and sort of make something up on the spot. You are a bad performer, Eli Silverman. You have no gifted talent.

You're a cunt. Yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Well, why don't we just skip all the fun that I had planned and do your fucking intro. Okay. Take it away, Mr. Silver Man. Ladies and gentlemen, here we are again.

It's back in the house of the fucking pickles. I'm sweaty, bull sweat, woo-hoo. If you could see my balls, there'd be lines coming up. I don't want to see. I'm close enough as it is. You don't have to see them. My eyes are being drawn to them. Your eyes have been deformed by the pressure wave from the smell packet.

It's Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silverman. That's my ball sweat story. And here is the other host here in Lundo, House of Pickles. It's Paul Gannon, everybody. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right?

It's a fact of Cheap Show. You're going to have to fucking reset. Alright? It's a fact of cheap so you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. Alright, how's the big guy? The price of the site? This is for guaranteed.

Hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show. They're not going on nuzzle. So yeah, the first thing I saw of you today was just you in your dirty grey boxer shorts. Like walking off like Clyde from Which Way But Loose. That's the second time in 24 hours I've been compared to a monkey. Do you know that?

No, it doesn't surprise me at all. Who else did it? Some woman at the festival yesterday. Oh, you went to a festival, did you? I DJed at a festival. It's getting up the wave of the dance yesterday. Oh, you went to a festival, did you? I DJed at a festival. It's getting up the wave of the dance floor. It's sales from the dance floor. Thank you, Paul.

I'm going to listen to this while enjoying a lovely iced coffee that you've made, which tastes super coffee, super cold, and... Were there ice cubes in this? Yes.

And they're all gone now. I'm sorry, it's not cold enough because I went straight from hot to cold. Yeah, that was your mistake. But it's very sweet. I think iced coffee benefits more from sugar, in my opinion. Ugh, I mean... Right, there's the opinion, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm a coffee connoisseur, darling. He doesn't like it. Okay, well, the Tales of the Dance Floor, Paul. Take me to... Paint me a picture. It's the Tales of the Dance Floor. Oh, here we go. Get comfy, ladies and gentlemen.

It's time. Here we go yesterday I was doing that's just it's not even original it's not an original thing to do I've decided this episode I'm going to get on your tits I've decided I'm in that mood this episode you cunt

I'm going to fucking smoke some crack again? again? with my arsehole You cunt. I'm going to fucking smoke some crack. Again? Yeah, again. With my arsehole. Frankly, I'd pay to see that. I could do it. I can do breathe the arsehole.

Have I told you that? No. Because you can't, right? I can do breathe the arsehole. How did you find that out? When I was a kid, I... You could... What? If I'm in the right position,

I just sort of open my arse cheeks. I can get... What? What? I can get air to flow into my... Oh, I've had a head rush from that. I can get air to flow into, like, into my rectum,

and then I push it out again. Breedy arsehole. How's that going to come into use? It's not, really. I haven't done it in years, but, you know. You could smoke a cigarette with it, do you think? I could. Or smoke some crack, yeah.

Crack into my arsehole. Crack on crack. I'll give you 80 quid to do that. To do what? Breathe the arsehole with crack. I'm not going to do it with crack. That could literally kill you. It's like you're those people.

Oh, 100 quid. You know those people who are... Who are now dead. It's like you're those people. 100 quid. You know those people who are like soldiers and stuff. You hear stories when

they've done a bottle of wine up their arse or something and died. Yeah, it's not a

good idea. It's poisonous. Because it absorbs much more efficiently up there, which is why you have

suppositories. So probably the same with crack and stuff. Anyway, tell us what the

dance floor is. So I'm at this festival and it's in a place called... Yeah. Don't do that. Longest Tales from the Downs Floor ever. This is going to be...

It's in a place called... This is like Ronnie Corbett. Go, get on with it. So I said to the DJ, I said, do you have anything funky? And he went, no, producer. It's, do you have anything funky? And he went, no, producer.

It's like Ronnie Corbin. It's Ronnie, producer. Smart. Right, so. I like this festival. It's blazing hot. I don't know if you've enjoyed it.

As we record this, it's been a bit of a heat wave in the UK. It is very. It must be the hottest day of the year today. I think it is, actually. It's in its 30s.

It's in the 30s, isn't it? We're not. We're way out of our 30s. You're not. I'm coming up to it. Oh, who cares? Who cares? Tell your story.

It's hot. You're at a festival. And I did my set. My set was the first set, two till three. It's a place called Nomadic Gardens. Sounds hippie. It was very hippie bullshitty

but it was quite nice it's quite central there in Shoreditch yeah and just all a bit like being at Glastonbury or something

oh lots of traveller types but you can just then go home once you're done yeah that was it which is the benefit

yeah but it has that benefit of small festivals because I don't know if I've told you Meadowlands for me was a brilliant festival yeah

you could be in the dance tent you just walk to the bar you're back at your tent it's all two minutes you know what I mean and it's just fun I approve

it's fun isn't it or like Glastonbury where it's like so if you get some drinks you could literally get completely lost and that fucking end of the road festival

which you seem to love how far away was the fucking it was very far away the fucking I didn't get any no not the fucking well the field where we were staying the fucking far away, the fucking. I didn't get any. No, not the fucking. Well, the field where we were staying.

The fucking field. There was a fucking field. I didn't know about that. And also, there was angry women in a tent next to us who were going on about not getting enough sleep. They were the actresses. Weren't they the ones who got thrown out? No, that was Latitude.

It was all those fucking actors. And then they set a fire or something, didn't they? They would not shut up. They were cunting right out. And they got kicked out of the festival. There's nothing worse than at four in the morning,

you're trying to go to sleep. There's some actor going, who wants Jägermeister or something, you know? Let's all perform a hat-wreck together. Or going Jägerbomb. They were going,

Jägerbomb, Jägerbomb, like that, you know what I mean? Anyway, they got turfed out. They can fuck off. And they did fuck off. And they won't be coming back to Latitude just like we didn't. Anyway, so it's this weird pagoda thing that I had to need that. They can fuck off. And they did fuck off. And they won't be coming back to Latitude,

just like we didn't. Anyway, so it's this weird pagoda thing that I had to play at. If anyone in charge of Latitude is listening to this and they want us for next year, go on. We'll do it. We'll do it. We won't suck you off like last time.

So there's this pagoda thing, and I looked inside, and it's weird fucking, all this rubbish, which is like fancy dress stuff. Right. But also bits of like carpentry some swords and just like old books and it was like you know sounds like a serial killer

this is a sort of room in this sort of pagoda thing behind where the decks are set up the decks are set up on the decking outside right anyway so i'm just like uh you know there's beers free beers for the djs red stripes nice i hid it I'm like I don't like drinking during the day no he doesn't but I did it was so hot why not I mean it doesn't quench your thirst

hit the Red Stripes yeah anyway right I do my set absolutely fine yeah not many people there

okay but you know it's nice very lovely this guy's got a rig yeah and he has some it was nice nice sound and everything

alright cool I enjoyed that yeah then getting a bit more pissed next guy comes on right and he's some it was nice nice uh sound and everything all right cool i enjoyed that yeah then getting a bit more pissed next guy comes on all right and he's doing a funk set brilliant lovely all this time when he's doing the funk set these two guys come up one of whom is this to him the guy who's dj yeah right one of whom is this sort of i i hesitate to describe him like this but but he looks like a Hispanic party boy. What does that mean?

He looks Hispanic, and he's, like, naked. He's got his top off. Is it like a Joey Essex thing? He's got his top off, and he's very small. Right. Very small. Like, shorter than me. Yeah.

Hey! No. And he's dancing. What's going on for me, Tom? And he's kind of dancing right anyway so that's are you turned on by this

no I just see that and I'm just like he's tiny but not in the chair I wasn't he wasn't it didn't it didn't make me

want to fuck him if that's what you're asking this isn't about that okay this isn't a story about that Paul no anyway

so my set goes on I'm sitting by the side of the stage Okay? This isn't a story about that, Paul. No. Anyway. So my set goes on. I'm sitting by the side of the stage with my friend Simon having a smoke. Lovely. And he goes, look, you didn't have that during your set. He points to the dance floor. There's a middle-aged woman, and that's being kind to her. Okay. Right.

With a drum between her legs. They've got a drum out of the fancy dress place or something. A kind of bongo-y thing. Yeah. No, it's more like a band leader's drum. Oh, right. Yeah, she've got a drum out of the fancy dress place. A kind of bongo-y thing. Yeah. No, it's more like a band leader's drum. Oh, right. Yeah, she's got a big drum

in between her legs and she's picked up a stone off the fucking floor because it's like outdoors. She's banging it. On the ground. Right. Next to her

is fucking Hispanic Party Boy like shimmering, shimmying. Just having a dance around it. God. I was like, oh. I want the drugs there on. Yeah. I was glad I wasn't happening during my set.

But anyway, then party boy tried to get into our enclosure once I went for the loo and tried to get Simon to play the drum and he was there and it was all a bit weird. Party boy didn't speak much. No, just a lot of action. And then later on that same woman was looking after

someone's kid and was pushing her on this little tricycle thing up this little ramp but the ramp's covered in these quite large sort of stones and one obviously

gets underneath the front wheel of this little trike. The girl goes over the handlebars of the trike she's like three or something and you see her go fucking straight down and they just pick her up this little trike. The girl goes over the handlebars of the trike. She's like three or so. Right. And you see her go fucking straight down.

Microphones over here, mate. They just pick her up just as she fucking like smacks the deck. Right. It's that same old woman. It was all a bit Grebo. And I'm glad that the

party boy went. Do you think I should have joined in? I vomited later on. Yeah, tell that part of the story, because I'm saying up till now, that's a six out of ten. Oh, I'm sorry. It's a lot of incidents,

but it didn't tickle me. I'm sure our listeners right now are going, that didn't go very well, did it, Eli? No, they're not. Things tickle me. Oh, what a lovely, charming instalment. No, they don't.

They want, where's the bit where you tell some woman to fuck off? That didn't happen. Everyone expects it. I didn't need to. It was a good one. It let everyone down. It was a good place.

With that story. No, I thought Hispanic Party Boy was funny and old middle-aged lady with the drum was funny. I don't know. What do you think at home listening? Was that a good story? Hashtag Eli's shit story. No, then you're fucking saying the hashtag says shit.

All right. Hashtag either. You know what? Fuck you, Paul. What happened then you're fucking saying the hashtag says shit. All right. Hashtag either. You know what? Fuck you, Paul. What happened to you this weekend? Nothing. What did you do? Nothing.

Program some fucking weather reports. No. Yes. At least I had a Hispanic party boy. At least I have my party boy. And middle-aged stone drum woman. Well. It sounds like a fucking crew of crime fighters already.

I tell you what, you're disappointed in this segment and I don't blame you. I'd be disappointed too. Why don't you read out that message for me? Don't stamp things on there with a recorder, you fucking knob. You stupid cluttered dick face.

Cluttered dick face? You're a cluttered dick face. All right? You hairy, masturbatory, off-putting cunt. That was better. All right, so, you ready for this message where I summed up not only you, but the whole situation here, yeah? Yeah, all right. It's a comment from someone on YouTube, Paul.

I don't want their name, though. I'm not going to say the name. I've got it memorised. It's such a classic. It says simply, Eli is king, Paul is a nonce. Right. First of all,

I want to categorically say I'm not a nonce. I have never had any interest in children outside of... What's that mum? That's your balls, mate. I think it's your balls. Seriously. They're like the invisible woman

Not a nonce I didn't think my story was that bad It was alright How many minutes have we been doing this? Intro now 14 and that So it counts as two Eli

Boring as fuck. He hasn't got a book. That's not my best idea. This segment's been a washout. So what was our jingle for me cast and Sue cast? There isn't one. There isn't a jingle for everything. There is.

You know what? Not everything has to't a jingle for everything. There is. You know what? Not everything has to have a jingle, Paul. Did you mention we're back in the House of Pickles? Yes. It's really shit to be back. What do you mean? At least you have lovely sound. Listen to the lovely, lovely sound.

Well, we've got the door open so you might hear the odd neighbour shouting or... Or a bit of a birdie-wordie. That's Paul. I'm imagining now. Lovely birdie-word wordy any mouth noise he thinks he can do he just you're laughing you've tickled me i know i tickle me you never tickle me oh bonnie boy yeah it could be some stuff happening. This isn't a jingle. No, that's just the dove from above. Oh, yeah.

That's a chicken. Paul Gannon, Animal Sounds Man. I don't think you'd have much of a chance in the Animal Sounds Market. No. What if I put in the time, Gav? What else have you got? I can do dogs, different types of dogs. Let's have a dog then.

It's Chihuahua. No. Poor, very poor. Great Dane. Six out of ten. All right. I could also do cats. Yeah.

That's not very good. That sounds just like you're making noise with your lips It doesn't sound like a bird I would like more exotic animals What else can you do? Is that a howler monkey? No, it's monkeys It's generic monkeys Elephant

Hello This one talks John Merrick monkeys. It's generic monkeys. Elephant. Hello. This one talks. John Merrick. Yeah, you do it. He's going now. You do it. And that's one of the many great new podcasts we've got lined up on the Cheap Show Network. Oh, it's a network. Paul and Eli do mouth sounds.

I'd like to do an ASMR thing, maybe just an audio, where I get some kind of very absorbent tissue, wipe my balls with it. With the microphone right there. And then very slowly ring the paper out.

You can just hear the drips. Very ball sweat drips. Oh, God, he's doing a noise for that. I want to hear a torn rectum. That's not... No. Anyway, it's time for me, Cassidy. Oh, I've torn my rectum.

Oh, God. That's torn it. That's not what you'd say. It is. No, you'd go I stand corrected. Who wants to go first? You go first, man. Pibbster's

latest stone. What? Pibbster's latest stone? Are you trying to say paper, scissors, stone? Yeah. And it came out as

Pibbster's sister stone. I got excited. Yes, stone. I got excited. Yes, okay. I got very excited. Calm down, Paul. Ooh, it's hot. I'd like you to go first this time.

Okay. Okay. I saw this. You might quite like what I got you. I just saw this and I thought, this has Eli all over it. So this is the section, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah, explain. Me, Kassa, Sue K Cass, if you're just joining us

for the first time this episode or perhaps we've done it for a few episodes, me and Paul will go out and we'll buy each other a little gift. That's it.

A pipe of peace gesture. And then we'll give them to each other and describe them. You smoke mine, I smoke yours. You smoke mine more often. Oh, I know. You wanker.

What's that mean? What are you getting at? What are you getting at? Don't bogart this joint, my friend. What? No, I don't. How dare you? You're not getting this.

No, come on. You're not getting it for that. Don't be fake walkout. Just give me my fucking meek answer. Say please and say sorry for that statement. Please and I'm sorry for that statement. Right, put closer eyes. Do I have to close my eyes?

Put your hands out. Put close your eyes. Put your hands out. If this is some kind of... I am never going to rest my balls in your palms. It's not happening. Right, I don't know why I have to close my eyes. You don't deserve it.

Open them. Say what you see. Oh, this is Paper Chase London Eraser Set. Yes. Oh, look at that. Oh, this is very good. Very, very good. We've got four.

It's a set of four novelty erasers or rubbers. Based around traditional UK iconography. It's the London. You've got the double-decker bus there. Union jack. That's a two-part rubber. Yeah. Nice two pieces.

Red telephone box. And then looking at the wrong wrong way like he's in the Blair Witch Project or something. Stand in the corner. Is a mustachioed. Is he mustachioed? What do they call them? Beefeaters? No. Yeah. No, no. It's not a beefeater. It's a head

with the big... Head men. Guardsmen. Guardsmen. Royal Guardsmen. The big fur hats. Who aren't allowed to talk. Yeah. You can go up to them, ride up to them and say, I fucking had your ma. And they can't do a single thing. Can you really? I did it.

Did you go up to one and say, I fucking had your ma? I said, I like there, mate. Had your ma. No, you didn't. I did. I'm opening this up, Paul. Alright. Just to get him out. Oh. Oh, they've got that lovely new eraser smell. Oh, yeah. You like the erasers, don't you?

I love that smell. Yeah, you like it. Oh, that reminds me of fresh Japanese rubbers in a fancy tin. He's just having a big old sniff now, ladies and gentlemen. They're good. Very touristy. Oh, of course. But they're nice builds, you know what I mean? I got these in a charity shop in

Clapham Junction. That will go very well with my other novelty eraser sets. Yes, you do like your novelty rubbers, don't you? I've got city erasers. I think you've bought me those before. Yeah. This is a bit more ornate. It's better to have something like that

that you say you like rather than like frogs or something and then you just get frogs for the rest of your life. Schoolgirls knickers. It's not my material. No, Richard Herring's done it

but fuck me. It's true, isn't it? Yeah. You know, people who like frogs or whatever. Or owls. Some people like frogs. Owls, you can understand though.

I'd like owls. You like owls? I'd like an owl at home. Hoo-hoo-hoo! New on the Cheap Show Network, it's Paul's Voice Hour. Hoo-hoo-hoo! The magic animals of fucking Gannonwood.

Hoo-hoo! What's on Gannonwood today? Well, I think Cyril the Squirrel is nearby Hello, Cyril What are you doing? Yeah, I know, great More No

Come on, Cyril We've got to do this segment This is ridiculous How's your day been, Cyril? Oh, really? Fuck off That's very rude, Cyril. I want more money to be in your animal show.

Right. You've said that before. Okay, fuck off. Right. Very nice. Do you like that? I see you only paid a quid for them. Well, that's a cheap show.

Yes. But you could have, you know. No. Taken the price off. Well, no, because I want you to know that I treat this seriously. So you know I want all things to be cheap. All right. All right? It's a good gift, because I want you to know that I treat this seriously. So, you know, I want all things to be cheap. All right. All right?

It's a good gift, Paul. Thank you. And it's going to go in my collection. Now, would you ever use those rubbers? No. They're too pretty. No. Now, I bet there's a whole world of collecting,

but there's some people out there with some nice ones, aren't there? Like those Game & Watch ones. Oh, I like that one. Yeah. I don't know. What though? Would you use that though if you're at work and you're not thinking straight and you're just idling with your pencil and on the pencil you're on a piece of paper, my boss is a silly

nonce shit, right? Right. And then he starts walking over and he looks at the piece of paper and you go, oh God, he can't read this. Would you use a rubber then to rub it out? Yeah, I wouldn't have one of these rubbers. Let's just say it was nearby. I wouldn't have it nearby.

Let's say your boss was in this room with you right now. What boss? It's not structured like that. Let's just say your boss was sleeping over because you went out together and things went well. I'm liking this story more now. And then he came back here. Not he.

She. No, she. She comes back and she wakes up. What's she wearing? And she opens her eyes and goes, What's she wearing when she comes back? She's wearing a tight little dress, a little frilly dress.

I can't believe this. Comes down to her knees. Right. And she's wearing a T-shirt saying, Bouncy, bouncy. Right, the T-shirts. And she's got shades on. How is she my boss? She sounds like a street tramp and she's younger she's young so young street tramp yeah and she's like

hello eli i come back to your place tonight and you go yeah all right come come back okay and she comes in and she's like oh right. Right. Okay, so that all happens. Well, how does this link to the rubber? I've forgotten the point. Exactly. I've forgotten the point of this. I knew you had. That's why I was trying to bring you back, back to reality.

What I'm saying, Paul, is I wouldn't even countenance using these as a rubber. You wake up in the morning. I've got professional artist erasers that I use, which are better. Not only would you not want to use this because it will destroy the rubber. Right. You wouldn't want to use it because it will destroy the rubber. Right. You wouldn't want to use it because it's not very good at erasing pencils. So it might just tear your pages.

Because they use it, it's more decorative. They're a decorative item. Interesting. They're meant for collecting. They're a bit pointless. Yeah. What's the next,

what's yours for me now? Oh God, right, I'm moving on now. Gimme, gimme. It's me, Kassa, that was your, you, Kassa. Yeah, my Kassa.

Or by the way, you, Kassa. I would, this, Paul casa. And this is your new casa. This, Paul, is my su casa to you. Casa me. Casa me now. Say what you see. Oh, that's a lovely thing, isn't it? Yeah.

Wow. Okay, so this is a picture disc. A vinyl with an image printed on it. And it says, it's a small world side two I presume if I turn it over there'll be a side one yeah there's a side one

yes there is a side one to this disc and it's got basically it's a small world it's a ride at Disneyland it's been popular and open for years

is it still going? I believe so right when did it start do we think? if I had the exact details that I needed right now I'd tell you

you're putting it in the wrong end oh had the exact details that I needed right now, I'd tell you. You're putting it in the wrong end. Oh, yeah. I'll forget that completely. Anyway, so it opened at a World Fair before Disneyland opened. Ah. And then they moved it from that World Fair into Disneyland. So it's been going since before the beginning of Disneyland. So, yeah, like whenever it is, mid-60s, something like that.

Well, no, Disneyland started in 56, I believe. Oh, okay. Well, then, yeah, around then. I'm a bit bad with my dates and times on Disneyland but that was a ride it was to showcase all harmony around the world

so it was one world singing one song in different languages is it definitely still there I think so wow yeah so it's sort of unify the world

have you seen it have you been on it yeah I've been on it and it's exactly what you think oh this is cute for the first minute or two this is cute

for minute 2 or 3 bit annoying cute for minute two or three. Bit annoying now at minute four or five, six or seven. You hate my gift to you. No, I love it. I love your gift. Now, I'd like to play it on the show, but it's Disney. And if we put any more than three seconds on, we'll get a clamp down. Yeah, God, trust me.

We play a lot of unrecognizable shit on this show. And this is one of the examples where it'd be like, I could play it. So what we've got here, um, it's 33 and a third you'll notice. So they've crammed quite a bit on to the seven inch format. Does that mean it's very slow?

It's slower than 45. Yes. And does that mean the quality is better or worse? Um, generally it's, it's fine. Okay. Compared to a normal seven,

it just is slower. Okay. I have seen them. It isn't a very usual thing, but you do get 7-inch singles at Player 33, and it's always to fit more on, basically. The thing is, though, it's one song on a massive loop forever,

because it was designed so wherever you went on the ride, the different audio tracks would overlap perfectly in sync, so you wouldn't know that it was going from one language to another. That's why I love that. I love that when I go on Fairgrounds. Most of the Disneyland rides do that. The next sound is coming through from the next place. Haunted Mansion does that.

Splash Mountain does that. Pirates of the Caribbean. I love all that shit. I have to say, I really do. I adore it. So I imagine this vinyl is a play out of the complete song. I'll tell you the little things. Often sometimes with these novelty pictures. I'm meant to be night present, but apparently I'm not allowed to read

or touch it oh wait you read it yay the title song for It's a Small World Attraction at Disneyland the Walt Disney World was written by the

Academy Award winning team of Richard M and Robert B Sherman they wrote fucking all the classics of Disney at this time okay for example

Golden Age Disney songwriters Mary Poppins is all them oh right so you know they're the in-house Disney they know

they're like yeah there's a film about their careers as well and it's also they're featured in I bet there was

an underground train I like to imagine there was an underground train where Disney could just go to their house and boss them around the anti-semitic

and stuff oh fucking hell it's Disney. Put the fags away. Put the fags away. Hello, Mr. Disney. How are, how? Yeah.

We've written a song. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Were they Brits? Brits. They must have been American. No. They're definitely American. I can't do American accents.

One person on Twitter says, please don't do that accent again. Yeah, and you know what? That person has a million supporters. This Subar collection provides the musical theme for the happiest cruise that ever sailed around the world. The sparkling sounds

of this delightful selection are as enjoyable as being on the attraction itself. Created vocal and instrumental arrangements dissolve global boundaries through the magical serenade of the ambassadors around the world what's on side one paul side one musical selections from the attraction arranged by buddy baker okay and what's on side two jack coleman singers vocal arrangement

by jack coleman so what's that do you think they've done there they've separated the music from the singing yeah that's so i just thought it's going to be one song like it's a small world song but they seem to have actually tried to put you know the actual sort of sounds from the actual ride on that which is a lovely nice it's nice isn't it yeah and another thing paul i don't know if you noticed no you've got the original uh disneyland gift shop price ticket which has a little mickey mouse on it there two2.98. Back in 75, I believe. Oh, it does say 75 on this, but it looks in really good condition. Yeah, not bad. That's beautiful.

How much was that? £1.50. Wow. Yeah. I'm sure there's a collector on eBay who'd want a lot more for that. Whatever, it's for you, Paul. Yeah. That's the kind of thing you like, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. I love this shit. Now you've got a record player. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. What's that? It's a small world after all. It's a small, small world.

That's the song. It's got the lyrics on. That's about the best Casasucaso I've done. I reckon. Here's the lyrics. It's a world of laughter, a world of tears. We don't need to hear it. It's a world of laughter A world of tears It's a world of hope And a world of fears

There's so much that we share It's a world of me Wiping my nutsack On your mouth I'll come round while you sleep And put the pubes in your eyes There is just one moon And just one golden sun

And a smile means friendship To everyone Not to me it doesn't A smile means Attack! Attack! There is just one moon and just one golden sun and a small means friendship to everyone. Not to me it doesn't. A small means attack. Attack. A small means attack. Where I come from, a small means attack and mercilessly beat. It's a small world after all.

It's a small world after all. It's a small, small, small, small, small, small. It's a small, small. It's a small world. It's a small world.'s a small, small. It's a small world. It's a small world. It's a small world. It's a small world. It's a big, small world.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. No one is amused by that. So, long-time listener and friend of the show and personal friend, Alison, who lives in America. She, every now and then, likes to treat us with surprises. Because I'm not letting strangers know my home address. And Alison's fine because, you know, long personal history with her. Are you going to get some kind of P.O. box for the show, Paul?

Yes, I believe there is a chance for us to do that, but I've got to wait till next month. And they could send in mummified rats, mummified voles. What do you mean, in like mummified rats lots of just wet stuff came off your chin my beard it's moisture in my beard live with it live with this it feels like you're melting i am it's very warm you're like a big hairy candle and the hairy cornflake what you mark my words. And I saw your piss spot on your pants where you've gone piss. That's not piss. That's a piss spot. That's for my beard drippings.

It's not. It's sad. It is for my beard drippings! Right, anyway. Alison sends me stuff from America. If you mark my words, Paul, call me hairy tramp face now, I'll be presenting a

tea time entertainment show with singing and me doing jokes and stuff in two years. Mate, that sounds great. Do it. Make that dream come true. Eli's house party. With Mr. Noodle. Who's a massive racist Chinese stereotype.

No, he's not. Yeah, that's your character. No, it's not. And you'd do the voice of it really badly. I don't do the voice of him. I wouldn't do the voice of him. Yeah, you would. No, I wouldn't. And then you'd have... Eli's... I wouldn't have that.

Eli's wet pocket, where people have to put their hands in your wet pocket to find a prize. That I'd be up for. There's a game called Grab a Grand Booth, where people have to grab money in a booth. But the trick is, what they don't grab, you get to keep and take home with you.

Why do I? I'm presenting the show. That's part of the deal, though. That's part of the deal. Why would I want to take home their shit? Because that's part of the deal, isn't it? What's the deal? The deal is that they have to grab as much money, because the impetus is they don't want you to have it.

Why do they want me to have money? Because you're rich. I don't like this. Because you've got a TV show. I don't like this show. Selfish cash grab, I'd call that. What section of the show are we meant to be doing now, Paul? Cheap Eats. Right.

You keep getting distracted today, don't you? I don't. You do. I don't. I love you. See that? See this? You've already started. It's hot and I'm really tired. Excuses, excuses. The Patreon supporters don't want to hear it, Paul. They don't want to hear it Paul

they don't want to hear your excuses I'm sorry make content happen I will right now Alison has sent us some goodies from America for our Cheap Eats section and she sent so many we're going to split it over two episodes so let's get going right away

with part one of that pile are you ready? Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep che cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, che Bingle! You're meant to play along, you fucking cunt! Why is it the only time you use that mic properly is when you're shouting down it? But when you're talking, you're just like, I'm overhearing that. Oh, is it? It's a lesson in fucking mic technique with technical ball fest Paul Gannon. I'll bring mic technique in here in a minute, my German friend, and he'll sort you out.

Oh, he's called mic technique? Yes, he's called mic technique. He's good. He's like a house DJ. Yeah, I play Auss, and he'll sort you out. Oh, he's called Mike Technique? Yes. Is he a DJ? Mike Technique. He's good. He's like a house DJ. Yeah, I play Aussie groovy tracks, for sure. Okay, is he here?

He's already here. Yeah, he's good. No, he's not a good character, though, is he? Nein. Achtung. Let's get on with this. Bye now, everybody. He's terrible.

He had nothing to say. He's not my best character. Mike Technique. Mike Technique will be back with better content. Now he's German. He was German in He had nothing to say. He's not my best character. Mike Technique. Mike Technique will be back with better content. Now he's German. He was German in the first place. I mean, he's Russian. Oh, I could have done Russian a little bit better.

Yes. Anyway. I am Mike Technique. Should we try the jingle one more time, Paul? Because let's do the jingle. And it's the most experimental of all our jingles. Oh, God. I'm just trying to fucking.

Come on. Come on. Don't fucking rush me. I'm just trying to fucking... Come on! Come on! Don't fucking rush me. I'm telling you, do the jingle. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Eat. Thank you. Simple.

All right. Simples. So, I've separated these things up into two piles because there's a lot here. One, two, three, four, five, two, three, four. Oh, yeah um because there's a lot here one two three four five two three four oh yeah because that's that so we're gonna do half this episode and then the other half in the next so it's alison's hall alison she beats yes from stateside looking forward to this paul okay so let's start with the savory she's sent us a pack of these hers jalapeno poppers, cheese-flavoured curls. Have a look at the packet.

What do you think? Oh, baby. I'm liking it, man. Yeah. The packet suggests quite strongly... Cheesy heat. ...that they have some kind of gloopy cheese stuff in the middle of these. And we hope they do. And it looks like it's liquid there.

Yeah. These are... Wow. These probably wouldn't pass regulations in Europe. Probably not. Yep. These are, wow. These probably wouldn't pass regulations in Europe. Probably not. Yeah. Probably not. They'd be sort of defined as not food or something, probably, wouldn't they?

Yeah. But have you ever had a real jalapeno popper? No. They do them in restaurants. What are they? They're deep fried jalapeno peppers. Oh. Stuffed with cream cheese.

Oh. Yeah. The bomb. If they're done right. I've never heard of that until today and I want them. Yeah, it's an American thing. So they're trying to, yeah. Oh. Yeah. The bomb. If they're done right. I've never heard of that till today. And I want them. Yeah, it's an American thing. So they're trying to, yeah.

Right. They're trying to duplicate these. And it's a hers. It's not a brand I've come across before. They look like a hollow. I reckon we're going to get cheese in the middle. A bit of a hollow watsit. We're not going to get that cheese.

That's a picture of the actual thing. Because you can see the little green in there. Yeah, I know. So we're going to get these hot watsits, I think. Oh, there's not going to be cheese in. Those fucking liars. Although it does say oven baked with real cheese,

but would this be an American thing? It'd just be cheese. Is there not some kind of, some attempt for liquid cheese in these? I will not be angry. I mean, I will be angry. I know.

I will not be happy. You won't be. I won't be hangry. But what does even real cheese in America mean anyway? They don't know what fucking cheese is. It means that they... Hey, buddy,

put more wax in that shit. It's got to go to Texas. They flew the plane over a field that had a cow in it last year. Yeah. Gested it. There's a cow, mate.

They gestured at a cow. Gestured at a cow. They got a small child to learn the word cow in a room and then took her in saffalafagraph readings. All right, just stop.

Right, so... Jalapeno poppers. They may bite back, it says. Bite into one so... Jalapeno poppers. They may bite back, it says. Bite into one of our delicious jalapeno popper-flavoured cheese curls, and it might return the flavour. Oh, favour. Because behind that big cheddar cheesy flavour... They're bigging it up.

They're saying it's spicy. We'll be the judge of that. Open these fucking things, man. Don't finish the sentence. I don't need it. We don't need it. It's boring. Behind the big cheddar cheesy flavour is a

zesty little pinch of jalapeno which packs a little zing. Don't say we didn't warn you. Right, they're trying to fucking big it up and say that they've

big bite back. What's the smell? What's the packet smell like? Like something hot died in it. Not good? No, they can see

now they are not hot. They are bright orange. These are just a watsit. now. They are bright orange. These are just a watsit. You're like warning sign orange. These are just big watsits, basically. And so they lied. That is your right. It is an illustration

of an actual jalapeno popper. Which, let's be fair, it's not the worst thing in the world. It looks like, wouldn't you say, I'm first viewing that, it looks like you should have, but you're not. You just get a watsitit-this-flavour. Shall we do this? I like those.

Yeah, they're all right. The cheese is not too strong a flavour. And you can definitely taste the jalapeno. I really like those. Yeah? Yeah. Ooh, umami. I don't mind if I do.

Yeah, nice. Not very hot. No. But it does say it's got a little bit of a kick. It's got a slight kick. I mean, you know what I like is often when they do, like, chili-flavored crisps and stuff in this country. Yeah. It's all sweet.

It's got that weird sweet. I don't like sweet chili. And it isn't really chili. Do you know what I mean? Shit. Yeah. Like a Dorito chili heat wave. It's really sweet. It's a sweet crisp, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Shit. Like a Dorito chilli heatwave. It's really sweet.

It's a sweet crisp, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? I like the jalapeno kick. It's got that drier, the drier taste. Very dry. Nice. I need a mark for those. Oh, let's mark them.

I'm going to go seven and a half. I like them. Seven. The flavour's good. Seven for me. I'd eat those over a packet of traditional Wotsits any day. I'd understand that. Would you? You wouldn't. I personally would go with traditional Wotsits any day. I'd understand that. Would you?

You wouldn't. I personally would go with a Wotsit, but that's a perfectly fine snack. He's eating them still. It's as good as this. I mean, we're in for a treat today. Well, we've got one more savoury snack this time out. It is Cheetos Flamin' Hot Crunchy.

These are extremely popular in the States and have we not tasted these on this show before? We have now, but I don't think... Let's have just a quick recap. We did get the crunchy. These are basically my ultimate fucking snack of all time. Made with real cheese again. It's pathetic that America has to say,

it's got real cheese in it. Yeah, they have to say it. It's got it in. It's not shit. Yeah, yeah. There's so it in. Yeah. It's just, it's not shit. Yeah, yeah. There's so much artificial cheese out there, isn't there? So many. So many.

God almighty. Spray cheese. Squirty cheese. Squirty cheese. Aerosol cheese. They have aerosol cheese. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's a breeze.

Spray cheese. Yeah, spray cheese. They've got rolling cheese. Dude, they probably have those cheese in like you can dairy like that

anyway I'm sure we've reviewed these before for me they are the ultimate they're very they pack a proper

punch they've got that old school knick knack texture I love that texture they were a little stale I think

because there's a hole in the bag and I think they were a little bit stale. Have a go in, Paul. Look at the colour of that. I know. Fire. It's like there's fire in you. They're fire ant red. They're like warning. And they're not mucking around. They are not mucking around. And as we mentioned before, Paul,

in schools in the States, people... Like a prostitute's lips. Come on, anyway. In schools in America, kids bring these in and deal them as if they were drugs. Yeah. Hot fries, they call them. Ready?

Yeah, I love those. I really love those. They're not that hot. They've got... Wait for it. They've got a kick. They're definitely hotter than the jalapeno poppers. Yeah, I will say that, but they're not

burny hot, ow, get it out of my mouth. No, you don't want that. You just want, it's got a heat. Spicy heat. Yeah. You don't want it to be painful heat, do you? Because then you wouldn't want to eat it. But that's just got, it's got a lovely heat, a lovely build. What I really like, it's got a kind of lemony, a

citric sort of, so it's like lemon and chilli. They are just... That is food engineering at its peak. Mad science snacks. That is mad. And have you lit one of these? Have you seen when you light them on fire? No. Look at this. Don't do this, obviously, ladies and gentlemen listening at home, but

we are about to set fire to one. Is this going to be one of those situations where podcasters die trying to do a stupid fucking thing in a tramp's bedroom? Shut up! Right, so we're setting fire. What do you think is going to happen? I want a prediction. Make a prediction! It'll burn really

brightly. Yes, you're right. Don't do this at home, kids. Oh God, this is shit. That's shit! That is not shit, man. That's shit. Look, that's going. It looks like a fat candle.

It looks like an awful... You wouldn't expect a crisp to stay on fire this long, though, would you, Paul? You know what? When you put it that way, actually, yeah, you're right. It is like a candle. It's a bit weird, isn't it? It's a candle. Look. You could literally power a home or a...

In a cold winter's day. Why have we gone live action here? Turn your phone off. Balls. Don't film my balls. I didn't. It went off before then. It didn't.

He says that. If you want, send me an email and I'll send you a picture of your dirty balls. But do you know what I mean? It's a bit weird, isn't it? I've come into London and my phone's gone. Paul Gannon, the air quality in this area has declined. Unhealthy for sensitive groups. Yeah, he knows.

That I'm in the house of fucking pickles. Yeah. Yeah, it should have gone Ah! Ah! Get out, Paul! Get out!

Gas! Swamp of gas! Anyway, what do you think of those? Chutney gas! Out of ten. Chutney! Stop saying chutney. I would give them nine. Stop fucking slamming things down as well

I would give them 9 I think they're fucking great Don't you Paul? 8 Those All you can get now Cheetos in this country You can't get the crunchy kind

No And they're nice and crunchy then Those are the best That's how I remember Cheetos Like a knick knack Alright moving on Right we're going to move on to What you give them 8

You like them? Yeah 8 But you know Not my favourite I actually think I prefer the poppers. Even though they lie to you on the cover. Blatant lie.

I'm going to give them both seven and a half. I would buy those expecting some kind of cheesy goodness. What do you want to try first? Shot crystals or jelly bellies? What crystals? Shot crystals. These are called crystal sour. Meth.

What do you do? Crystal meth. She sent us some meth. Alison sent us meth in the post. We're talking about it, so let's do it. So it's a little test tube. It's called Crystal Sour. Shock your buds.

I presume they mean taste buds. Are these like super sours, we think? I think they're little sour crystals. Sugar crystal sours. Right. And obviously they must be proper sour because they come in a test tube. Are you not letting me see the front cover? Nope.

I've got to get it open, that's why. You prick. You're a prick. Well. At least it's sealed, which means someone can't put spunk in it. I could put spunk in it. You can't, it's sealed. I'd reseal it with the spunk.

That's dirty. What do you mean it's dirty? It's a good adhesive. Treated with respect. There you go. He's given me a cap full of little yellow crystals. These crystals remind me of meth. No, myrrh.

You know when incense... Coke don't look like that. Yeah. It looks like Yellow MDMA crystals Alright yeah Okay Shall we just go in Yes

Very strong Artificial pineapple Taste Yes But Not unpleasant But not sour Not very sour at all

Not sour at all Do you want some more A little bit Say when, darling. I'll be mother. All right, there you go. Yep. No.

There is a bit of citrus in there. A tiny bit. That's just pure sugar, man. It's plain apple sugar. These people at sweet companies are just like, what can we do with sweets to make the kids fucking do it? Just put the crystals in the fucking tube. Yeah, that's it.

You know what I mean? Sweep the floor off in where I'll say it. Make it look like a fucking experimental chemical from a fucking Dutch laboratory or something. Yeah, and the kids will get into it because it's all mad science, slime, crazy stuff. It's not a terrible tasting candy, though. No.

It's all right. I don't like the texture. It doesn't appeal to me. No, funnily enough, it was one big pearl of candy. No. It's alright. I don't like the texture. It doesn't appeal to me. No, funnily enough, it was one big pearl of candy. It probably tastes nicer. You could suck it. As a boiled sweet,

that would work better. Yeah. We're in agreement there. Yes. Can we shake hands on that? No, I'm not touching you. I like it when we agree when we shake hands.

It's a nice social gesture. Listen, I'm not doing that. Can I touch your knob? No. It's just there. You can't. And you cannot touch it you will never touch it okay with that attitude fucking how many times i have to say that make that clear to you i don't

know how many times two what were these called you've got sours i didn't forget i told you sours thank you out of ten six yeah i guess five five they really appeal to me okay they're much Six. Yeah, I guess. Five. Five. They really appeal to me. Okay. They're much more of a kids thing, aren't they, those? No, I've got one more, and then you've got one more to do, all right? Yes. This is the last for this episode's...

Yeah. ...Allison's selection. Now, she sent me some Jelly Belly, and this is the colour. It's a kind of diarrhoea brown, peanut butter brown. What do you think it is? What flavour? Is it an unusual flavour? It's a little bit unusual.

Is it savoury? It's a savoury thing. No, it's sweet. The thing it's a bit of a flavour of is a sweet thing. Is this like dog turds or cat food or anything like that? No, but it could be sort of, I don't know. Potato. Yeah.

But it's not. It's not a savoury. It's not something we'd sort of, I don't know. Potato. Yeah. Yeah. But it's not. It's not a savoury. It's not something we'd usually have as a savoury. Potato Jelly Belly. Well, yeah. It would look like one. It looks like that.

You don't mean any potatoes. Is it peanut butter? No. I'll tell you, shall I? Just read out what it says. Pancakes and maple syrup. Interesting. Nice.

I bet these are nice. I hope so. Now, Jelly Belly. I mean, they are. I remember eating them as a child and being amazed by the mimicking of the flavours in them. Do you know what I mean? They're very good. Because a lot of jelly beans can be chalky or very sugary. Yeah, they're just as sweet.

Yeah, they have that horrible crystal sort of chalky, crystal-y finish. The Jelly Bellies are all flavour. And their texture is fine. It has a bit more chew to it than your normal one. And the flavour sticks to the finish as well, which means you tend to get... Ooh, these are very, very maple-y. Very maple-y.

The smell is extremely maple-y coming off these fuckers. Well, you'd hope so, because they're maple syrup and pancakes. Woo! You can almost smell the pancake there as well. It's weird. Come with me, it's a world of pure imagination. Oh, he's eaten them. I was doing Willy Wonka then. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Not bad. I'm getting almost a coffee flavour out of them. Why am I getting that? No, I agree. It's coffee almost. It tastes like a coffee revel Doesn't it? Nostalgia rub rub Doesn't it taste a bit like one though? Do you know what I mean? Alright, but my problem with this flavour of Jelly Belly

Is I like the fruity juiciness of a Jelly Belly And this replaces it with that creamy sensation Which is nice But gets a bit sickly You want some zest, some citrusy sort of that kind of flavour. Variety. Yeah. Why do you want a whole packet just of that?

Well, because people might fucking love it. They must. They must love it. You're not going to have the rest of them then. They're just, they're sweetening me out man. No, I can understand that. The little potato. Hello there Eli. Is he an Irish stereotype? He's a dirty, dirty potato Say something dirty Mr Potato

Women should be washed Oh why? Because they're dirty Oh naughty Mr Potato How many characters man? It's going like The Simpsons episode 11 I've got many characters in my back I mean season season 11.

It was still a good season. Just characters just everywhere. Hello there, Ian. Hello, little Irish potato man. Would you like to hear a joke? Okay. So there was an Englishman and Irishman and a Scotsman. Oh, yeah.

And they all had a lovely time. Oh, yeah. And very meta. You've nicked a joke off the fast show. No. Yes. lovely time. Oh, yeah? And very meta. That's, you've nicked a joke off the fast show. No. Yes. Because that's a rabbi

Jewish person's tears. Oh, right, so the set-up's slightly different. Mr Potato, your jokes are awful. Yes. Yes, they are.

Mr Potato, go fuck yourself. Well, that's no way to treat a star celebrity, Mr Potato. Fuck off out of here, Mr Potato. Yeah, you ruined this,

Mr Potato. Don't try and say you're not Mr Potato. We all know you celebrity, Potato. Fuck off out of here, Mr. Potato. Yeah, you ruined this, Mr. Potato. Don't try and say you're not Mr. Potato. We all know you're Mr. Potato. Prove it. Yes, prove it. I am an independent, thoughtful person. All right, Mr. Potato. Yes.

Yeah. So, I've got some questions for you, yeah? Okey-dokey, then. Prove me wrong. What do you think of... What's your favourite 80s sci-fi action comedy film? That's probably going to be, I think it's going to be, well, I don't know

not so much sci-fi really is it but I think ultimately I'm going to go with Big Trouble Little China. Oh, fuck off. See, independent of course. Well, Miss Potato I broke all of you. That's the wrong category. Fucking eat it. Eat Mr Potato. Oh no, don't be doing it. Yum, Miss Potato, I approve all of you. That's the wrong category. Fucking eat it. Eat, Mr Potato.

Oh, no, don't be doing it. No. Yum, yum, yum. No, why is he eating? I'm saying nom, nom, nom. You're saying nom, nom, nom in Mr Potato's voice. No, he's not. He's eating.

No one believes you. That's the end of that segment. You're ruining the show. I'm being eaten. You're ruining Cheap Show with your fucking endless characters. Honestly. Well, for this next section, it is the famous section,

Price of Shite. Now, I don't know if you recall, dear, dear listener, but I have won Price of Shite as a category of segment in the show. I produced a Price of Shite as a category of segment in the show, I produced a work of astounding beauty and cultural impact, a story

I've taken the whole genre of Price of Shite and taken it to a new level of artistic ambition and achievement and nuanced delivery of that thing. But Paul, no, what does Paul do? He turns up, he's still got the prices on.

It doesn't fill me with hope, listeners. It doesn't fill me with hope. Shame in it because I'm so busy editing the podcast, maintaining the website, doing social media. Do something brilliant with Price of Shite. Expand Price of Shite. Expand Price of Shite to a work of shining art.

Do you want expansion? You fucking dirty little bastard. Let's do it. Let's do the fucking... No, don't! He's jumping up and down. Paul's jumping up. He's mad. He's mad. He's mad.

He's doing a little jiggy. Right. Right. It's getting on. Okay, you do the beginning of the jingle and I'll do the it's right bit. It's time for the Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking price of shite.

It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite.

And that's right. Yeah, baby. Ball's getting turned on. He's actually gesturing To his pants Right it's the fucking Price of Shite everybody What's that then?

This segment of the show Yeah what happens in it? Come on mate get involved In the Price of Shite One of us will pick Three or more items From various shops Usually charity shops

Doesn't have to be charity shops And they will pay Specified amounts. For the three items. They will present. The three items. In order. One after another.

To the other player. Or co-host. Of the show. As it may be. Paul. And then. That person. Will guess.

The price. And. He can score in two ways. If he is within 25p. Either side. Of the actual sticker price that was paid, he scores one point. One point, Paul. One point. If he's exactly on the nose and guesses the correct price to the nearest penny, I mean on the penny, that is two points. And that's it uh but I you know you may remember when I did it there was a little story with them there was a little linking theme and there was a

beautiful little intricacy there and then Paul has he's tried to do something this week and you'll see what it is but I don't think it is as strong but you know I'm gonna play along as long as he hasn't got an item that has been in poo. I mean, that, you know... I've let you speak for like two minutes now, and there's been no pizzazz, no enthusiasm, no je ne sais quoi, no Eli there. Well, I'll je ne sais quoi your bumhole.

What would that involve? Me fucking you in the arse whilst you're dead. What the fuck was harsh? I wouldn't give you the pleasure of having it when you're alive. Anyway, I don't want to get into that. It's quite a dark place. It's a really dark place. That's kind of more my territory and I was taking it back. That's not your territory.

I'm dark and edgy, me. Oh, fuck off. Get your price of shite out that's not as good as my one. And I bet one of these is going to be like, oh, Ghostbusters games, the book, which I kind of like. You don't fucking support the show with your fucking purchases, do you? You fuck. You boring, turgid.

Oh, here we go. Impotent. Fucking every time. My stupid mouth makes stupid noises, meaningless noises, not content, over and over again. Get the shit out. I will guess the price. It's going to be cool, Paul, okay? You ready? You've got your prices written down.

Yep. Get the shite out. I would like to see item of shite number one, please. Christ. He's rustling about. He's handing me an object. It's wrapped in newspaper. Intriguing.

Often you don't get stuff wrapped in newspaper in charity shops. Oh, maybe you do. They did in this case. I'll see. Okay. What? What's wrong with it? It's boring, isn't it?

Really boring. I'm sorry, what was the show called? The Price of Great. Well, The Price of Something... Anyway, it's not... What I've got here in my hands, ladies and gentlemen, is a sort of puce colour, would you call it? Ceramic. But wait, Mr Silverman! There's a twist in the tail.

Is there? You're not just today. Get you too close. This is weird. No. Get off my mic. Get back to your own mic. This isn't the Rolling Stones featuring Rod Stewart. It's not just a price. Don't you love it when they share the mic? Yeah, baby!

What? Give me the surprise. I'm sick of you. Can I describe the first half of what I got out at least? What? Give me the surprise! I'm sick of you! Right, so... Can I describe the first half of what I got out, at least? Right, so the scores are as they say you did, they say. You said they did, right? The scores are as I say they are.

Yeah, but there's a twist. Okay. Each one of these things was bought from a different charity shop. Okay. If you can tell me which one matches, you get an extra bonus point. So you will tell me afterwards all three charity shots. And you'll pair them up. Okay.

All right? Nice. So off you go, Paul. It's something. Now, the first item... And you have to put them in order of... Would you call that puce? It's a very pale pink, isn't it?

A very pale pink. A very pale, almost purpley pink. Might puce, though. It's puce. Yeah. Quite grubby item, I have to say. Very grubby. It is a oil burner.

Yep. You put a little tea light candle in there. Yes, you do. And you put some essential oil up there. And do you know what? Oh, what? I've got some oregano oil. So I'm going to set this going.

You've been setting all kinds of things on fire today. We'll see if we have some nice smelling males. Go on, then. In the room, okay? And I've got to guess this going you've been setting all kinds of things on fire today we'll see if we have some nice smelling smells go on then in the room okay and I've got to

guess the price stop stop doing that sorry please stop alright I'm putting it down here

I'm putting this shit down alright I'm sorry I don't know why you don't get it because it's my table you don't listen it's a table

because you don't listen it's a table space because you don't listen go get your candle alright got it over there it's my table. It's a table. Because you don't listen. It's a table spade. Because you don't listen. Go get your candle. All right. Got it over there. It's by the... Ah, little special mention to the...

That's not a candle. That's a sauce. That's too big for that. No. There's one underneath the pep poppers. There is. There you go. All right.

So there's your little tea candle. Oh, lovely. Lovely, lovely. Now, I'm thinking price-wise... Oh, that's some crisps. Now, I'm thinking price-wise... Now, I've got... He's eating crisps that have nothing to do with the show, ladies and gentlemen. Hula hoop. I mean, it's hula hoop.

Big hula hoops. Very big hula hoop. I'm thinking... Legal snacks, I give it 31 points. I mean, I think in a... I know that if I went to the charity shop near me around here, that would be a quid. But that's because they're fucking priced shit weirdly

and it's not out of town, Canebro style. This is all bought in Cambridge. We don't know what the shops are yet. I'm going to say 50p for that. 50p? 50p! 50p for the Pew oil burner.

I'm locking it in. I'm going to see if it works because I'm going to put some... You're going to put some essential oils in. Oregano. Oregano? Why? It's the only one I've got.

Okay. Yeah, I've got some essential oils in this. It's starting to smell like an Italian kitchen right now. It's going to smell lovely like pizza, like the fresher pizza. Oh, who's this character? More characters for the cheap show stable. Hey, I'm Tony Nobichock. Tony Nobichock. Nobichock, man. Nobichock. Tony Nobichock.

Nobichock, man. Nobichock. He's very nice. God, he does borrower impressions as well. Fucking hell. Oh, fuck you. Anyway, drip, drop, drip, drop, drip, drop, drip. He's dripping a few little droplets. Already I'm getting the smell, man. Yeah, because it's burning the oil.

And also you're dead close to it, so you can smell it. There you go. I can't smell anything. I can't sniff your bottle. Bloody hell. Careful, that will burn you. Oh God. That is strong stuff.

What do you use it for? Oh no, that's clove. You fucking god dick. That's not the oregano, that's the clove. You fucking idiot. Oh, that stinks. Mate.

Well, it might cure our hay fever. It's got a nice sort of... Vicks, Vaporub. Not Meggy. Christmas-y vibe. Bring a lady back. Put that on fire. Ooh, you know.

Oh, baby. Antiseptic. I'm a Robert Nobberchock. What? Don't make a gesture. I could do a Robert Nobberchock. Next item. Okay, I a Robert Nobichock. Next item. Okay, I'm ready for the next item.

Are you ready or is Tony Nobichock ready? God, that's fucking asphyxiating me. Why don't you put it out then, you fucking idiot? Fuck me. Blow it. Actually. Smellsies.

See, I can smell it now as well It's piercing It's a very It's clove oil It's meant to numb your tooth It's numbing my face It's numbing my head If I get it all

Huff it real deep Don't fucking huff clove oil I'm huffing it Don't It's numbing my brain stem man Right can I give you item number two Yeah I've got to put that out It's literally fucking hell, man.

Blow it. Just bend down and blow it. Fuck off. There you go. That works. That works. God, my eyes sting. I can see the oregano,

so we're ready for that. No, we're not. Yes, we are. We're moving on. I don't care. Next item. Yes. Close your eyes.

I'm ready. Why do I have to keep doing this? Because I want the first feel, the first experience. The what? The first feel? You want the first feel? I want your first experience to be what I put in your hand. All right.

All right? Yeah. Open them. Ooh. What's this? This is very nice, Paul. Lovely little thing. Lovely little thing.

This is a two-tone. It's a spoon yes ceramic spoon and the top of the it's bent handle is it like a noodle spoon it's like a ladle shape

and the handle's bent at a right angle at the top so it looks like it sits onto the side of something it's like a noodle spoon like a ramen style spoon

yeah is that what I just said literally like 50 seconds ago did you I didn't hear you is it a ramen style spoon I think so it looks like the kind of thing it looks like the kind of thing you'd slurp a broth on a noodle. Yeah.

You're all right, though. It's the cloves, man. Yeah. It's upsetting. Antiseptic. I don't like that look in your eyes. And the spoon is quite nicely finished. It has a blue glaze up until most of the handle.

Then the end of the handle has been left rough, Paul. It's got a terracotta-ish kind of finish. The raw terracotta underneath has been left there. Yeah. Quite a nice thing. Quite a nice thing. But how much was that quite a nice thing? Not a lot.

Again, stop putting things on the fucking table. All right. That only happened for a second. Right a lot. Again, stop putting things on the fucking table. Alright, that only happened for a second. Right, okay. I'm going to have to make some noise on the table when I put the oregano oil in. Right, okay. How much do you think that was? I'm thinking 30p. 30p? Yeah.

Don't look at me when I guess like that. Like I'm a cunt. Well. Because that looks like it came with something and that's not the complete set that's probably

likely yeah I think it was sold separately so here's your third and final

item in Paul Gannon's a price okay I'm ready do I have to close my eyes yep

I'm ready ready it's a bit heavy this one you're going to feel it in your eye okay

it's got a bit of weight to it. All right. Can I have my eyes? Say what you see. Ooh, I like this. Do you? Yeah. Do you?

I like this. This is good. I like this. Okay. But ladies and gentlemen don't know. I really like this. Yeah? This is cool.

Yeah? Yeah. It is a ceramic. You know what it also is, though? Mine. Oh. Oh. Unless... Why don't you just throw this in?

Don't... I'm not going to suck you off, man. I was fixing my belt. That was unrelated to the question. I give you... Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Right. What this is, ladies and gentlemen,

is a paperweight, glass paperweight... Get into the microphone. Glass paperweight in the shape of, I'm not going to put it on the table. You're learning. In the shape of a gummy bear. Yes, a big red gummy bear.

So the red is at the back. So when you look at it from above, it appears like the whole thing is red. But then you look at it from the side, you can see it's actually clear glass. And I think it's actually clear glass. And I think it's cool. It is pretty cool, isn't it? Really cool. It's a

gummy bear paperweight. It's another one of these things that looks like a thing, but it isn't the thing that it looks like. Which I like those kind of things. It looks like other things that aren't the thing that it's actually a thing. I'll give you that if you give me that Ghostbusters book. Which one? The one you got that you keep.

No, that's not worth it. That Ghostbusters book is worth at least 20 quid. Hang on, that's... I'm going to guess 20 for this, am I? This piece of shit. Oh, it's shit now, is it? Yeah, fuck this. You don't obviously want it as much.

It's a shit. This is a quid. Quid 25. Quid 30. Quid 40. I'm going for one quid's 40. 140. 140.

Okay. So we have three ceramic items today, Paul. Just to recap for the listener, quid 40 I'm going for quid one quid's 40 140 140 okay so we have three ceramic items today Paul just to recap for the listener we started

with the Puce Art Deco style oil burner then we had the earthenware

ramen spoon we think it's a ramen spoon yeah I'll get a presumed it's a ramen spoon and thirdly delightful little

thing it was yes the red gummy bear paperweight spoon. Yeah, I'll get a presumative ramen spoon. And thirdly, delightful little thing, it was the red gummy bear paperweight Yeah, you thought there was going to be more words on that sentence, didn't you? No, I didn't. You did. I know where to stop. Talking unlike you. You. You. You. Stink of

unwashed scrotes. I got my scrote going flappy flappy scrote right so i dried my scrote out three charity shops i want you to tell me dried scrote it's like tomatoes three charity shops same texture as tomatoes in the rain same in the rainfall so i'll fit the three charity shops you did i bought those items. Now I need to tell me where those three items came from. I mean, how am I going to do this? Use your intuition.

It's bullshit. Here are the three charity shops. One was Mill Road Charity. What the fuck is even is that? That little bric-a-brac-y one I took you to that has loads of weird shit everywhere. Remember? The one I really like.

The little one where they were talking about having sex with old people. Finding a dildo or something. Oh, something. They didn't wash it in bleach. Yeah, they were talking about having sex with finding a dildo or something. Wash it in bleach. Yeah, they were. They were talking about finding a dildo, weren't they? Yeah. I love those conversations you hear people in charity shops having. Mill Road Charity. And then you've got Mind and then Salvation Army. Three charity shops, three items. Where did they come from? If you get this right, you get a point. I'm just going to say the most boring

item, I think, is our Puce oil burner. And Salvation Army, they strike me as quite a sort of buttoned up organisation, to say the least. They're very Christian. And so they're not going to have stuff, although they did have an album

12 inch of some band I never heard of on show. The band was called The Porn Kings. Really? Porn with a W or an R? No, with an R. You should have snapped it up. It might have had some sounds of women having it off or something. Although, I did find some

vinyl of sound effects. Oh no, two vinyls of outtakes from movies like Judy Garland and things like that. Audio outtakes from movie sets. Like bloopers? Yeah, but on a vinyl. Did you buy it?

No, because I didn't know if I should. I'll go back and get them. It's the kind of thing I collect. I'll grab them for you then. So I'm going to say that's boring, and I know that they wouldn't have... Maybe they had an album by the Porn Kings. Yes, Paul. But they wouldn't have dildos, would they, for example?

No. In there. No. Well, they probably wouldn't have had... Unless they think it's a flask. They wouldn't have gay literature, for example. We just don't know. No, they wouldn't.

They might have some Moscow art on there, and they don't know. No, well, yeah. Right, so you're saying £1.40 for the puce thing from Salvation Army. Yes. Okay. Moving on to the ramen spoon.1.40 for the puce thing from Salvation Army. Yes. Okay. Moving on to the ramen spoon. Okay. Tell me the other two.

Mind and Mill Road. Okay, I think the spoon is from Mind. It's quite a standard item. Okay, and you said 50p for that. Okay. Okay, so finally the teddy bear, which you said was £1.40. Where do you think that comes from? Mill Road?

Yes, because it's unusual, and they usually have a slightly more unusual stuff in there, I £1.40. Where do you think that comes from? Mill Road? Yes, because it's unusual, and they usually have a slightly more unusual stuff in there, I'd say. Okay. That's my workings out, Paul. All right, well, here we go. Here are the actual prices. So let's start with the candle holder. It's not a candle holder.

You know what I mean. It holds a candle, but that's not what it's purpose. It's an oil burner, Paul. So candle, yeah? Oil burner. It's a candle fucking pink thing with not what it's purpose. It's an oil burner, Paul. So, candle. Yeah. Oil burner. Oil candle fucking pink thing. With clove oil in now. Yeah. You said

50p. It was 35p. Oh, so you get a point there. I do get a point. You get one point. That's good, isn't it? That's cheap, man. And you said... Salvation Army! So you get another point. Oop-de-doop-de-woo-doo! There you go. It's exciting, isn't it? That's cheap, man. And you said... Salvation Army! So you get another point. Oop-de-doop-de-woo-doo! There you go.

It's exciting, isn't it? Yes. So, give me the spoon. There you go. You could slurp some lovely ramen broth with that. So... He's got the sticker. You said 30p.

It was actually... 10p. 10p. You just couldn't get an item. No, so... 10p? You can't get an item no so 10p you can't even buy a box of matches you get a point though

do I because it's within 25p it is within one point so you got a point there I'm doing a bit better than I had but do you notice something

that's also from the Salvation Army yeah how can that's not three shops that's two I said I visited three shops and bought three things

oh my god and I said all you have to do is three things. Oh, my God. And I said, all you have to do is tell me where they come from. Doesn't mean they came from separate ones. Oh, it's like a fucking trick. Ho, ho! I have tricked the tricker! It's not funny.

I didn't trick you. I had a story behind what I did. Anyway, there's a third item. You've just used this as a fucking attempt to make me look stupid again. There's a third item. Fuck you. Where's it from? The teddy bear. Where's it from? What? This third item. You've got to find out now. So you said the teddy bear, the glass teddy bear was £1.40, yeah? Yeah. Here's how much it really cost. 45p. 45p, yeah. Wow, way out there. And where from? Salvation Army.

You're a dickhead. No, I'm not. Oi, oi, oi, oi. So out of a possible, what, six, seven, eight, nine points. I got that right. I got one point for that

because it was from the Salvation Army. Yeah. And you got a point for being within. So that was two points on that item. And you got one point for being within 25p for the second. But you didn't get a charity shop right. You got nothing for the third one. So't get a charity shot right and you got nothing

for the third one so out of a possible 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 points you got three yeah oh dickhead oh dickhead no

you're shitting price is shite because I tricked you I tricked you good it was unentertaining no he's coming over now I tricked you proper he's thr. I've tricked you proper. He's thrusting.

I've tricked you proper. I've stitched you up like a kipper. You haven't. I have. No, you haven't. It's got a story. It's got a tale. It's got adventure.

It's got romance. Yeah, you have not. You haven't even approached that. It's not. I thought I did better. You set up something that wasn't a real challenge because you all bought them all in one fucking place. Like a lazy cunt. I was not dishonest.

Who didn't even take the prices off before he even got here it's like you are like Barbara Cartland to my Anthony Burgess

I don't understand the reference exactly and that's why your prize of sight will never be will always be ITV2

Sunday afternoon oh well what are you BBC fucking 4 or something yeah 11.30 on a Tuesday BBC 4 Don't get a sex face on

When you'd say BBC That turns me on Right well we've heard enough That was the price of shite And I rule Victorious Yeah not really Yes I do

I get the final word Because I'll edit it anyway Fuck you Well just before we wrap up Paul Yes I'm going to change the oil On the oil burner. Good.

See if we like it. The clove wasn't good, was it? Between recordings, is that alright? No, just do... No! Talk some shit. Stop fiddling with the thing when we've got the fucking mic on. You fucking cock scratch.

Just do some talking. I'm going to change the oil. You fucking chubby whacker. Chubby whacker? Yeah. You're... Oh! You know when Joe says he wants to, like, squeeze you at times

because he just looks at you and just wants to squeeze you? Yeah. I'm like that. But just your head. Yeah. I just want to squeeze it until I hear a crunch and then the eyes pop out the front. You couldn't do that.

You couldn't physically crush my head in your hands. You don't know that. No, you couldn't. Maybe I'll put one head on the floor. One head on the floor. You'll put one head on the floor. Yeah. What head? I only have one head. My your head. You don't know that. No, you couldn't. Maybe I'll put one head on the floor. One head on the floor. You'll put one head on the floor. Yeah.

What head? I only have one head. My dick head. Right, shut up. Yeah, I'm changing the oil. Just try and compose yourself.

Right, I'm going to compose myself. So, thank you for listening to Cheap Show. To everyone who supports us on Patreon, genuinely, we want to

say thank you so much. The Patreon we're getting monthly now has helped us pay for the travel, pay for the tech when we get about, buy bits and bobs for the show. And we're also going to bank as much as we can for maybe a big show and things like that.

Live shows coming. Well, that's what I was going to announce just now as well. So thank you to Patreon. If you want to give a little or as lot as you want, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and all donations are welcome. Also, we're going to be 100 episodes old soon. And my prediction came true.

I don't know if it did. From episode 50, yes. I don't know if it did because you said February. I said 86 would be in February. Things have changed since then because we went from three times to four times. Just say, the prediction was true. The prediction was true.

Anyway, we're going to plan a live show in london uh mainly because it's just convenient for us if we're being blatantly honest but we're going to do a big live show in london in around late september october and that will be our 100th episode show we can confirm kind of unless things go different and differently on the night we're going to have mr biffo aka paul rose from digitizer and we're going to have Ash Frith there unless he gets a proper paid gig and Stuart Ashen from the channel Ashen's and Barshen's

so we can at least why do you have to do that now? when I'm giving certain information you're fucking rubbing your porcelain pink candle no one minds the noise

just keep going you're doing well you were doing well I'll fucking throw this at your face you were doing well Paul just keep going I like it

anyway hopefully before we make our next recording batch, we'll finalise the details and a date by then. But just so you know, keep late September, early October free because we're going to be doing a live show to celebrate our 100th episode. Seriously, with the fucking paper as well. You can't fucking wait too long.

It amuses me. It amuses me. You know what amuses me? Stabbing this pen in your eye. All right. Just remember, Paul. You're lucky I've got short arms. I'll be raping your corpse.

Right. Well, that's nice, isn't it? Just remember that. Classy. What do you mean classy? It's not about class. It's about me getting my jollies off with your dead body.

On my dead, jittering corpse. Not jittering. I don't want any life in it. You want to wait? Oh, God. No, moving on. What was that? That looked good.

I don't know if we were not doing that either. Was that in between death? That was me drowning. Alright, good. I don't know if we were not doing that either. Was that in between death? That was me drowning. All right, good. I don't like it. Right, so follow us on Facebook. We've got a Reddit page as well,

which we're quite involved with. What else? Instagram. We've got a Tumblr. Just look for Cheap Show. You'll find them all on there. Cheap Show Instagram, yeah. I'm liking the Cheap Show Instagram, man.

It's not bad, is it? All the board games and stuff on there. It's all stuff like that I find. All lovely board games and stuff like that. I'm on Twitter as at PaulGannonShow. Eli is... E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D.

And you can follow Cheap Show... S-N-O-I-D. ...as a whole at thecheapshowpod. If you want to email us any tales from the shop floor or anything at all, get in touch with us, thecheapshow at gmail.com. And I think that's everything. Thank you very much. Pictures and videos that back up and help

bolster the content of this podcast will be on... Pick up and help? What? Shut up. Put my head, what, at one of your heads? Bolster. What? There'll be a dedicated page on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, which will have videos and pictures to accompany this episode. Right, you can see the puco.uk, which will have videos and pictures to accompany this episode. Right, you can see the puce oil burner, which I'm just setting up for this.

This is over now. This episode's over. No, it's not over. Let's smell some oils. No, we're not ending the show with us smelling some fucking oils. Come on. No. All right.

Hurry up then, quick. I've changed my mind. I'm lighting it. I'm going to have some more crystal meth. Right, I'm lighting it. I'm putting it in there, Paul. There's a smell of cloves all over me now. There's a heavy clove odour.

I smell a granny. Clove odour. Clove granny. And I'm just putting a few drops, because this is strong stuff, this oregano oil. Very good for teeth. In what way? It acts in a similar way to clove.

It anaesthetises, and it also is incredibly antiseptic, antibacterial. It's good for like, if you mix it with some water and then just wash your mouth out, very good. Fuck me.

What? It's so dry. Dull. It's not dry. Look, we're waiting for some fucking... Eli is king, Paul is a nonce.

Eli has just talked himself out of having that teddy bear. Oh, no. Come on. Fuck you. Please. No, fuck you. Seriously. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Paul got dissed on YouTube. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's more pleasant. I get to keep this. Just smell the oil. Tell me that oil isn't nice. That oil isn't nice. Is it not?

No. Why don't you like it? It's because it's antiseptic And it feels like it's going to numb my face muscles Oh it's nice I like that Although this is the nicest smell I've ever smelt in this room

Come on It's mixing with the underlying Sort of grot In a great way This episode is over Alright it's over