CheapShow - Ep 84: Munchy Munch Yum Yum Time

Episode Date: July 12, 2018

Food, Glorious Food! It's time to stuff more cheap eats inside our gob holes and deal with the consequences later. We continue our odyssey of oral nourishment by finishing off our American snack hamper, and Eli becomes positively fizzy with delight at some of the treats on offer... Maybe TOO fizzy. Elsewhere, Paul throws all continuity out of the window when he attempts to bring life to yet another inanimate object. It does not go well for Mr Teddy Glassman. Somehow, a Tales from the Shop Floor manages to make Eli gag and, in much bigger news, the very existence of The League of Snacks hangs in the balance when Paul and Eli come into (more) conflict over the grading of Scampi Fries! Is this the end of the segment or even the podcast itself? Find out, why don't you? And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

How do you want to do it? I like to do it like this. I'm going to do it. Go on, do it. Shut up. Do it now. Yeah. Go on.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah. Here we are again. It is the House of Pickles. You're listening to Eli Silverman. It's Cheap Show time. And here is Paul. Once he ejaculates, he'll be in the room.

It's Cheap Show! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show. So you're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the Darks, for a while. How's the dick going?

A fight of shite. How's the bit going? The price of the site? This is for guaranteeing hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm not going on a nuzzle. Day-day-day-day-day. It's Cheap Show. It's the comedy show. It's Cheap Show. It's the comedy show.

It's Cheap Show. It's just played. I'm coming out of that now with this. I'll tell you what, coming out of that. Yeah? Yeah. No, fuck you. And your noodle posse.

I'm sick of hearing it at the beginning of the show. I go, I nuzzle, I nuzzle, I nuzzle. That's the best you've got. How are your balls doing? Still hot? Still sweaty? They're drying out. Still gathering moisture?

They've dried a nice crust of salt around the area. Yeah. If you really must know. So you can make a cocktail. Give them a glass. I'd need to crinkle it. I could sort of rub it into a cocktail. Good.

Get some salty sprinkles. Around the rim. It looks like I've been fishing for shrimp with my underpants. Lovely, lovely, lovely. All trawling for shrimp in me undies. Then I get them out. They are grandies and they smell of yeast. Yeasty flakes.

Scribble those yeasty flakes. Mary, Mary, see how your garden grows. Now, what's that song you were ripping off then? Yeah. Na, na, na, na, give me your answer, Daisy. Daisy. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. All for freezing poos and fucking myself for them.

It won't be a stylish marriage. I'll be just me in a big poo that's frozen. Walking down the aisle. I can't afford a carriage. I've got a freezer unit. It's just full of big dildo poos. Upon the seat

of a bicycle made for... dildo poo. Oh, beautiful. Anyway, welcome to the economy comedy podcast where we go through the charity shops, the bargain bins of around the world. Of around the world. And we collect it, bring it back here and say,

you know what? We turn austerity into hilarity boom boom don't say boom I'm not shaking your hand I thought that was good I'm not touching you

whilst we're recording okay fine it's just a simple rule and I want you to stick to it so what do we got coming up on the show today Paul don't do that

stop doing that that was good we need different music in your head. What have we got coming up in the show tonight? Well, we've got coming up. The intro. This is this bit. Then we're going to do some tales from the shop floor.

Love that section, Paul. It's really good. Some tales from the shop floor. That's good. Love that section, Paul. It's really good. So there we've got our second part of our American scent, Cheap Eats, with a little bit of something extra from

Messer Silverman himself. I've got extra biscuits for you. Oh! Please. There's a mixologist coming in here. And then we've got a return to the League of Snacks. It's a very important part of the show. It's a mixologist coming in here. And then we've got to return to the League of Snacks. It's a very important part of the show. I don't think it needs music.

We just need very sombre tones. And then it's the outro. Good. Good show line-up. It's a very musical beginning to this episode. Mate, you need to join a band. You and I in a

little wig shop. Buy a bowler with the money we've got. Just get it out of your system. Try it on at the break of dawn. Come on now, we all

want one. You and I in a little wig shop. Buy a bowler with the money we've got. Try it on at the break of dawn. Plagiarism.

Come on now. We all want one. Do you want to plagiarise anything else uselessly and fill up some more minutes? Paul, you're really losing it. I'm sorry. We were talking. You should be. Because we've been talking about previous episodes, you know, when it used to be funny.

Let's try and get that back. And it means less singing. Okay. That's the first step to making cheap so funny again less singing from you we all know this all the listeners know this they don't want to tell you they'll be mean to you just one person did so they didn't like the singing no shit and they speak for us all i don't have a gimmick on this show you're the angry one i don't have a gimmick on this show. You're the angry one everyone likes. I don't have a gimmick. It's just me. Just understand and believe it's just me, okay?

This is what I'm like all the time, yeah? It is, isn't it, though, really? How sad, though. What? Anyway, that's the intro to the show. Yeah, brilliant. So, Paul. Yes.

It's time for... It is time for... Tales from the Shop Floor. And I would love you to read the first one. I will read this Tales from the Shop Floor out, Paul. And it's the section of the show, ladies and gentlemen, where you write in with your amusing stories about working in shops, being at work.

Just a story. Just a story, really. I like it to be work, you know, not just I went into some field or something. No. Not just like I went to a house. There was some... Have you seen them

making a film of Slender Man? Yeah. Is that what's going to happen now? Creepypasta? I don't think they should do... What's he called? Psycho Bob

or whatever he's called. Oh, yeah. What's that guy with the big grin? Happy Jack. What's he called? You didn't like him, did you? He's scary.

That was from Uncleakables, that, when we first talked about that. What's he called? Psycho Bob like him, did you? He's scary. That was from Uncleakables, that, when we first talked about that. What's he called? Psycho Bob. He's not Psycho Bob, is it? Stabby Jack, something like that.

Stabby Jack. I like it. Anyway, they should do him. He's scarier. Slender Man. Because it looks... Did you see the trailer? No.

I'm not interested, though. It looks... I don't care. Do you like horror films? I do. I just don't like that kind of horror film. What's your favourite horror film hmm

depends on how you define it honestly The Haunting is my favourite okay it's a ghost movie yeah it's a horror it is a horror and I love it to death

do you prefer The Supernatural more towards the ghost yeah than Violent Kill you should watch Hereditary I probably like that you should watch it

it shat me up I don't care who knows it I was I had my hand onat me up I don't care who knows it I was I had my hand on my face like I couldn't you know

that doesn't happen to me I'm a grown adult it doesn't happen to me there you go you've been told go see her editor because it made Eli put his hand on his face

five bags of popcorn yes so yes people write in and they say here's a story from my time

working on a shop floor and they get 20 points if there's cum in it. We should say this. Then people start writing stories. We can tell if they made it up. Didn't someone say that that last story we read out seemed like something from a sitcom or something? Which one?

The one where he's cumming in it. No, the guy who dies in the... Oh, yeah. No, they said it was also like a scene from Clerks. Yeah. It's similar, but in Clerks, she has sex with her body. Okay, so it wasn't nicked. No.

Well, I mean, look, they seemed... Why should we doubt them? But if someone writes you a story... Do you know what I like to think? ...that says, oh, dear poor Eli, here's my shop story. So I was at the work the other day, and this man came in, and he wanked and shat all over the place. And then he wanked in my face.

And then he shat in a hat. And he shat. And old ladies fell over. He had a big bag bulging with shit. And then a lady was sick all over the place and then he wanked in my face and then he shat in a hat and an old lady fell over. He shat in a bag. He had a big bag bulging with shit. And then a lady was sick all over my face. And then I jumped up and down

on a rod. What? Nothing. You mean like up the bum? Yeah. Yeah, you've got issues. You've got things you need to work. I haven't got issues.

You talk about things at the bottom a lot, you. Who cares? I'm just saying if you like it, say it. You don't have to be ashamed. Who cares? I'm just saying if you like it, say it. You don't have to be ashamed. I don't like it. I don't like it.

So we'll know if you made it up. Anyway, here's a fucking letter. Here's my personal scoring system. 20 points for cum. Wee-wee is 10. Shit. That's the full 50. I like the shit Paul Yeah well

Anyway I don't actually Can I just Read on my friend I don't like the shit Read on Here's the first tales From the shop floor

For today Paul Hello Paul and Eli Hello Hopefully all You said both of our names That's nice You complained last time Why did you say my name

Okay good So thank you to Sam Thank you Hopefully all the cheapskates too Nice why are you saying my name okay good so thank you to Sam thank you hopefully all the cheapskates too nice yes we are reading it out unless something bad

terrible or it gets really boring Sam yeah this will be in the show we are we are allowed to pull out of this story at any time I'd like to just

do a few times so so I can't catch anything and then quickly go home and just think about it like go on hello paul and eli hopefully the cheapskates too good i'd like to share a small tale with you that has the elements of cheap show bingo that you both love so much interesting it's raising my suspicions that he's made this up and it is going to be like your story all right

well you know. So, imagine. I don't like this word as well. Imagine. Why should I imagine? It's a real place. He's painting an image for you.

So, imagine a small town in Devon known as Colompton. Alright, I'll imagine that too. To anyone who's visited this town, they will know

that it's a shithole. Right. Drugs run rife through the town and there are huge amounts of teenagers drinking outside. I get the picture. For clarification, I am 16.

Okay. Those boys outside drink and smoke the doobie. And I shall tell mother and then write a scathing letter to the Cheap Show podcast. They'll see. They'll see. Doesn't sound like that kind of guy. They'll see.

For clarification, I am 16 and not some old man who hates teens. Okay, so he's telling us he's not biased against teens. As opposed to an old man who likes teens. I've opened some other thing here. You fucking wretched cockmaster. Cockmaster wretched. Reverend Cockmaster. Come on, that's gold, everyone.

I'm sorry. It's another calendar, everyone. Hello. I am Reverend Cockmaster. And I lead my congregation to sin. Every week they come and confess. I don't know. Rub it.

Okay. We got the whole story. Yeah. We knew where it was going so Sam is not some kind of old guy he just hates kids he's made that clear

he is that age group he is that age he can see them for what they are which is fucking wasters yeah kids stay in school don't do drugs exactly

get an education yeah then get drugs don't just yeah we all know we know someone

we could help we're not going to start selling drugs imagine we could do that cheap show we'll be at the bins at Sainsbury's on Angel Road

at 7.15 got some nice hash icky sticky so anyway I'm sure you've had overwhelming amounts of stories about McDonald's

I'll be dressed as the predator no we've had one we had one McDonald's where his balls fell out and he was stealing burgers and the whole thing was that it wasn't really about his balls hanging out.

It was about him stealing burgers and getting fired. Basically. Anyway, yeah, so we haven't had that many McDonald's but this one is going

to blow your socks off. Okay, Sam's bringing the big guns now. I like that confidence. His own hype man. So, it's Christmas Eve. It now. I like that confidence. His own hype man. So, it's Christmas Eve. It's cold and about 6pm. Nice. The wind keeps blowing in and everyone gets blasted

with chilly night air whenever a customer walks in the door. Don't just copy my thing. Just think of something you can do. I was doing something. A few people are coming in But since it's Christmas Eve The shift is mostly spent talking to my friends

Who are on shift Then a customer who we will name Shania Shania for the sake of this story As in Shania Twain Shania for the sake of this story Walks into the store Wrapped up warm in a long brown padded coat

and a long purple scarf. Nice. She walks up to me, and I'm on the only till in our store since most ordering is done on these huge tablet things. Right. And she says to me in a quiet voice, and she shakes too because it's cold outside,

she says, I'd like a hot chocolate and a donut. Like a euphemism. In my best customer host voice, I say, excellent, that'll be £2.49. Fuck off.

No one's ever talked to me like that in a McDonald's. Well, Sam. No, come on. That's a stereotype. All right, well, number 62. I've come across

some extremely professional and polite staff in a McDonald's. I haven't come over them. Paul. I mean, come on love it's take out you've got to take out

I'd like a spoof burger please double cheese don't come on we've got to get through this that's what she said we've got to get through this yeah ah

so he's okay. So he says, excellent, that'll be £2.49. £59. She doesn't say anything or move, so I repeat myself, £2.59. Yeah. Please. And once again, she doesn't say anything, and then in a soft sad voice, she says, I haven't

got any money. Oh no! Right, I hope this gets better, because I don't know where it's going. We might pull out. We are going to have to pull out and come on its back. I was extremely upset by this. Okay, no, he's got a heart. It's not about him. Okay. Something in the way she said it made it so

saddening I almost cried. Then I went to ask my manager what to do. My manager can't give her free stuff so he asked her to leave. Obviously my manager had a heart of coal, especially on Christmas Eve. Boo! Yeah. What a cunt.

Give her a fucking cocoa. Give her a fucking cocoa, at least. Do you know what I mean? So, should I ask politely? Here we go. It's turning a corner now, Paul. Okay. She asked politely, where is the toilet, please?

Oh, dear. Warning, Will Robinson. Where is this going to go? Story poo arriving. please. Oh dear. Warning Will Robinson. Where's this gonna go? Story poo arriving. And my manager feeling bad allows her to use our staff toilets since he feels bad for not giving her anything to drink. And also because he's fucking human.

I mean, come on. No, shit there. You know that? Now you'll have to shit in the street. Do it. I have a feeling, Paul, I don't know about you, that there is gonna be a shit. Let's find out. Okay. I I have a feeling, Paul, I don't know about you, that there is going to be a shit. Let's find out. Okay. I'm excited. Now, she's in there for such a long time, we thought

she'd left. I'm talking actual hours here. Oh, wow. Probably about three. She's put a question mark there. Probably about three? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. We don't know. Like three? Let's just say three. As she leaves, she politely thanks me for letting her use the toilet.

I realise she wasn't wearing her ridiculous purple scarf, and I go to check if she'd left it in the toilet. Oh, no. When I got in there, I was greeted by possibly the most horrifying thing I'd ever seen. Oh, no. Shania had put shit in all four of our sinks. Oh, no. And she must have done the actual shitting somewhere else, in all four of our sinks. Oh no.

And she must have done the actual shitting somewhere else because there was clear finger marks of her shit all over the place. That means she'd carried it across the room. She'd also, with her scarf, smeared the words, eat shit, m'cunt, on the wall with yet more shit. Wow. Smeared the words, eat shit, my cunt. On the wall with yet more shit.

Wow. I honestly think she must have eaten like six laxative pills or something. There was so much poo everywhere. The smell was so awful, I almost threw up. I ran immediately to get my manager. I couldn't even describe it, so I just asked him to follow me. When we got in there, he threw up on the floor. Nice.

Oh, God. Tick off the puke box. His next words were, I'll never forget. That's a bunch of shit. Do you reckon she's been planning this? We then had to get the store manager to clean it up because none of us were going in there. He wore the fry vac cleaning suit. Nice detail.

Nice detail. Which is basically a hazmat suit but yeah you'd need i like you need that yeah also uh on a side note here i play warhammer oh god no okay and when you guys said it was a sad hobby i take a bit of offense to that sam you do so well now this now it's just come on all right let's hear about it takes a bit of offence to that. Sam, you do so well. Now it's just... Come on. All right, let's hear him out. It takes a bit of offence to that. Nevertheless, I'd still give Paul a suck job. Whoa.

Paul, you might have a new presenter. Somebody who is willing to blow you off. Oh. Right forward, Raggy. And I might consider Eli, if only because of his super clean balls. Thank you. They're not that clean. Sam Chapman, very good.

Well, there was poo. There must be something else in the world of shop floor stories that doesn't involve... I mean, that... It was the sink. It was the image of it in the sink

that got my gag reflex going there. See, up until then, I thought it might have been a tragic story for her where, like, she went for a poo but she couldn't quite get there

and it then became like a kind of Inspector Clouseau Mr Bean thing where it's like, oh, I've fallen into shit there and now I'm going to clean it out and I've put some shit in there instead and it's coming out the other end

and, oh, what do I do? So she sits in the sink and then... I think that would be not good. And then she tries to wipe it off the mirror but then it accidentally spells out eat shit, Mick cunt. Wow. And then she stands back... She had anger issues. There's a sad mental health issue to this. wipe it off the mirror but then it accidentally spells out eat shit mc-cunt wow

and then she stands back she had anger anger issues there's a sad mental health issue to this so let's just take a moment to remember

there are very mentally ill people out there that don't get the treatment they deserve because of government cuts right yeah so

right on Paul okay so just saying it's a tough world I'm not disagreeing and although we have horror stories like this, which, although amuse,

there's also a bittersweet centre. I liked the picture of the manager in the hazmat suit, basically, going in. I'm going in. I shit everywhere!

Everywhere! It's full of stars. Do you remember 2010? Yeah. It's full of stars. Oh my God Yeah It's full of stars Oh my god It's full of stars Right

I've got a letter now Right okay We only get two That was quite a long one Wasn't it? Yeah it was a long one But this one is a bit different This isn't a Tales from the Shop floor

At all Okay I'm intrigued This is from a guy called Thomas Johnson And he sent me this email And I think Following our previous

Noel Edmonds story Edmonds Edmonds Edmonds story Edmonds Edmonds Edmonds We've done enough There's still going to be The nail in the coffin on it Okay

I'll read it out This is from Thomas Johnson Hello Paul and Eli Hello I'm not sure what category You'd put this email in But I thought I'd tell you About a recent dream

Or nightmare I had As it involved Noel Edmonds Edmonds Edmonds Edmonds Here it is To the best ofonds, Edmonds. Here it is to the best of my memory. So here we go.

Here's the stream. Pompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompompomp California for holiday, having never been before. We arrived at a fancy-looking modern-day church. We went in and met many of the residents who wore colourful robes. Oh. Cult. It's getting a little bit culty already, isn't it? It's going to get culty. Now, I'd been to many Christian conventions around the UK when I was younger, so I used to remember the types you'd meet.

You're average-looking, boring, friendly Christians. Nothing too weird. It's like, hey, man, let's sing a song for Jesus. Jesus has got high hopes, he's got lovely robes, he's got a nice dress, a lovely beard. I always picture Jesus with a very shaggy pubic area.

Good. Then the reverend arrived and lo and behold it was his holiness, Noel Edmonds. Edmonds, Edmonds, Edmonds. Ah! If I remember, he was wearing sermon robes with his multicoloured purple jumper on. Oh, wow. I can see it, man. It's evil.

And looking more like his youthful self in the house party days. Of course he does. He's been bathing in virgin's blood. It's like Jonestown, but with Noel Edmonds. He's been washing his face in tumours. Yeah. He probably liquefies tumours. He had

golden beard and hair and all. Golden. He hadn't gone to purple dyed face.

No, this is early Noel. This is a proto-Noel. This is the Noel before he went into a chrysalid state

and then metamorphosised into the Noel from House Party. Mr Blobby is actually his chrysalis state that he hatched from. Not a lot of people know that.

Not a lot of people know that. Noel Edmonds created a kind of body form around him. A doppelganger body. It goes inside to regenerate. And he came out of it as second stage Noel. Second stage Noel. Anyway. Like Noel the White. Yes. Like that. Noel the Great to Noel the White. Noel Anyway Like Noel the white

Yes Like that Noel the grey to Noel the white Yeah Is he on Noel the Noel Noel the old Noel the old cunt now

Anyway Anyway He started preaching In his distinctive little voice While all the followers Started singing Creepy I can just imagine him

No that's two M people Don't do your... That's too nasal. Doesn't sound scary. That doesn't sound scary. I like doing it, though. It's like... It's not scary at all.

You've got no sense of horror. Come on. They're a Frankenstein's monster. They're meant to be cultists. I want a creepy sort of folk style song, please. That they will chant it. That's like a racist thing. Ramy tab, ramy tab, ramy tab, ramy tab.

Ramy tab, ramy tab. Read out the rest. You're not going to do this. Ramy tab. Blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum. And what's this blum? It's too Orientalist. What film is that from?

What film do you think that music's from? Temple of Doom? No. Ah, but it's funny you say that. Om Nom Shivah. No, no, no. It's not that. Om Nom Shivah.

Is it a same era kind of film? Yeah. It came out a year or two after. Directed by Barry Leveson. Produced by Spielberg. Written by Chris Columbus. Starring, I can't remember his name. Give me a star.

Actually, I can't because they're all, at the time, unknowns. I can't remember. I think Nicholas is this guy's first name. I can't remember his fucking name. That's terrible. Is it a film I've seen? Maybe. Set in Victorian Britain.

Young Sherlock Holmes. Yes. And The Pyramid of Fear. Hello. I got it. You got it? Yeahid of Fear. Hello, I got it. You got it? Yeah, I'm very impressed.

I saw it, I remember quite liking that film. Yeah, I fucking loved that film. The graphics were very impressive at the time, weren't they? First use of CGI,

I think, in a movie, or something like that. And it was limited because they did a sort of monster that was... Is it a stained glass night that jumps out of the window?

Stained glass. Stained glass window. Yeah. So they could keep the physics of it being flat. Yeah. And that's something you could do. So they used the limitations of the window. Stained glass. Stained glass window. Yeah. So they could keep the physics of it being flat. Yeah. And that's something you could do. So they used the limitations of the technology at that time.

As a boon. Yeah, which is quite cool, wasn't it? Very clever thing. Moving on. Moving on. I think before that, the first CGI in a film was The Last Starfighter. Yeah. Also quite good.

Yeah. Anyway. God, we're not even halfway through this letter yet. I know. Anyway. He started preaching, everyone singing. At this point, my family and I not even halfway through this letter yet. I know. Anyway, he started preaching, everyone singing. At this point,

my family and I started to look at each other in bewilderment. The look of what the fuck is Noel Edmonds doing here?

It turned out this is Noel's own creepy sect of Christianity which involved his followers giving him large amounts

of money for expensive churches to worship him in. I suppose this comes from Noel's own strange beliefs. I'm sure if the

dream had lasted longer, I'd have found the cancer-curing cubes. What a cunt. Later on, I'd found out that many celebrities joined, a la Scientology. So when I got bored with the service, I wandered around and found Camilla Parker Bowles

in her own private room, which for dream reasons, the staircase to was invisible. Invisible staircase in Camilla Parker Bolt's private room the last thing I remember was going into a small room for a sermon we're standing around out of fear waiting for it all to be over

and feared to be consequented if we rudely left early any no cult is sure to be a violent and cruel one it's going to get nasty that's what I'm saying we're going in the gunge tank but it's not gunge mate it's the spunk of a thousand horses. Oh, yeah. Right.

Yeah. Anyway. Oh, yeah. Anyway, the sermon went on. Anyway, the sermon went on then. Running down the hill was Mr. Blobby. All American members cheered on while me and my family had just stirred in belief. Blobby did his dumb... Disbelief.

Disbelief, sorry, yes. Blobby did his dumb shtick for a bit, but then the actor inside took the blob's head off and started opening up in a religious way, and how no had saved him from temptation and a dark place. He's testifying to Noel, yeah. I was blind and now I blob.

Blob! I was a useless tramp I blob. Yeah. Blob. I was a useless tramp and then he killed my family in a negligent incident involving a helicopter. I know. I dropped a man from a helicopter onto his head. Oh, shit. Well, now I'm blobby. Oh, now I have to be blobby. What do you mean, did we rehearse? Nah, mate.

What do you mean, did we rehearse? Nah, mate. Anyway, Noel looked on with a smiling, smug look, and I had to hold my face from stopping bursting into laughter. Afterwards, I woke up wondering what the fuck all that was about. Today's my dream. I wonder what you two would make of it. Is Noel going to set up a religious, mysterious cult?

I think he may have already done that. If he can claim to communicate with cats through the radio I'm sure Edmonds will go full David Icke he seems like he's going full not even David Icke he'd have a proper proper little sly cult going on

wouldn't he with like sex slaves I think he'd go for the full sex slave thing he would be the kind of people who's like Noel's cult would be

would be you have to ridicule yourself it'd be sound boxes would it yeah and tell him the saddest stories he's got leverage over you oh yeah he loves that doesn't he because like Scientology does that Noel's cult would be, you have to ridicule yourself. Yeah, would it? Yeah, and tell him the saddest stories. He's got leverage over you. Oh, yeah.

He loves that, doesn't he? Because Scientology does that. And Om Shurike? Om Shurike? Om Nom Shurike. Yeah. Yeah, that cult. Om Nom Shurike. Yeah, that cult.

They wanted to know all your personal dark stories. Well, that's what cults do, yeah. And it is very similar to what Noel does on Deal or No Deal. No Deal. Because you can't get on that show unless you have some kind of sob story. Yeah. You know, that's what cults do, yeah. And it is very similar to what Noel does on Deal or No Deal. No Deal. Because you can't get on that show unless you have some kind of sob story.

Yeah. You know, that's what you do. You lost loads of weight or, you know, you went through an illness. Hi, I'm Noel. Sit down. So, do you have any sad stories?

Well, once there's a priest, say no more. Say no more. You're box number four. That's what I like to say. Yeah, you're going to have the blue 50p in box number four. Okay, that was like to say. Yeah, you're going to have the blue 50p in box number four.

Okay, that was very dreamlike. So it sounded to me like a real dream. Also, I was surprised he wasn't scared at the end. At no point was he really scared. He was laughing at the end. It was like a bit amusing. Yeah, because it was ridiculous. Even though when you read it as a story, it sounds a bit creepy.

Yeah. He didn't seem to have that view as the subjective witness of the dream do you know what I mean yep alright anything else no

that was good okay so ladies and gentlemen this is quite a foodie episode of Chibi Show everything between now and the end of the show is going to be in our gobbles. Let's try not to think about all the shit in that last bit.

Oh, well, not that stuff. Just sink the poo sink. I don't want to eat shit McCunts. Yeah, but what about the gun strike? It's quite hard to say McCunts. McCunts, yeah, because there's that whole... Double C, yeah. Is it like a glottal stop of some kind?

I think that's a glottal stop. Yeah. Yes. Cheap show. Teaching you glottal stops. Right. So, we're going to do part two of our... We're going to do part two...

Yes. ...of our American package from Alison, who sent us some lovely goodies on this episode's segment known as... Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Shut up! Way! Carry on film. That also. What's that guy? Jack Douglas. I have no idea what you're talking about. You know what? The singing is turned into you doing piano. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul's reached the point where he's started to bore himself.

So just so everyone knows, I'm still mulling over whether I give Eli this jelly teddy thing. Please, please, mister. Can I have the jelly paperweight thing, please? We'll see. It's a thing that looks like another thing that isn't a thing that the thing is. I know, but I like it as well. Paul, it's a thing that isn't another thing. You've got stuff in storage.

Your house is tiny. It's full of crap. Your cat's shit as well. Right, that's a fucking line. All right, sorry. Riley is not fucking shit. He's better behaved than you. He's cleaner than you. Because he licks his balls. You think if I... He doesn behaved than you. He's cleaner than you.

Because he licks his balls. He doesn't have balls. He had them snipped. Yeah, exactly. So he couldn't get cat AIDS. Do you think I would not be clean if I could have my balls snipped? No, because this would be filth. And I could lick my own arsehole.

I'd be spicking spam. No, you wouldn't be. Don't pull that face. Right. Let's eat some fucking cheap eats, mate. Right. So here's part two. So where should we start? I'll tell you what. Let's start with the weirdestap eats mate Right so here's part two So where should we start

I tell you what Let's start with the weirdest one I think Okay I've been looking at that Trying to figure out On my subconscious brain What it is And not being able to

Categorise it So please explain Obviously From the look of it You can see it's popcorn No I thought that But then I thought It looks quite

It's red chilli caramel popcorn Everybody Interesting Okay it's a sweet And chilli thing And it looks very It looks. Interesting. Okay, it's a sweet and chilli thing. And it looks very discoloured, like it's been stained quite heavily with the caramel. So it's like that, what was butter kissed?

Yeah, that very rich. Very rich. I don't care for it very much. So this is our first thing. Paul, tell me, popcorn-wise, if you go into a cinema, what do you go for? Salt with a sweet? It depends on my mood, mate.

You might get the sweet. The problem is I like salt, but they put so much in there. By the end, you get the box. You just kind of... Yeah, then you have a big slurp of something. Yeah, but I've drunk all that by then because I've got a thirsty fizz tooth. Anyway. Okay, so let's go.

Are you sweet then? Are you more sweet? More salt. Yeah, I would never get sweet popcorn. Fair enough. Yeah, like mix. But what I do like... I don't like people who Yeah, I would never get sweet popcorn. Fair enough. Yeah, like mix. But what I do like... I don't like people who mix.

I don't get that. No, I don't like the mix, but I do like where it comes from, if you see what I mean. Because sometimes, in the olden days, Paul, go down the cinema, you get your popcorn.

Ooh, it's salt. Ooh, but there was one sweet one in there. One little sweet one. How interesting. What a little palate exciter. Yeah, you go, ooh. I never believed it. And then you get on with eating the rest of the sweet.

I like it in America, though, where you just get squirts of butter on. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Each time the squirt goes down. Staying alive. Right, so you just eat fucking this, then. My hands smell of cloves. Yeah, well, you shouldn't have been fucking around with cloves. All right?

I'm eating. Perhaps I'm just very tolerant, but there's very little heat coming off those. Very little heat. It's there. It definitely tastes like that fake buttockers sweet flavoured popcorn you get. There's that, very much.

It's good as that goes. Yeah, as that goes, it's fine. But it has got that. Slight chilli. Ever so slight where it goes, ugh, nudges you a little bit. It's all right. It's all right.

It probably makes it palatable. I think it would have been any stronger. Because I can still feel a warm tingle. Yes. But it's not heat, it's just a kind of... It's all right. Walker's Popcorn Company made in Albuquerque. Quite nice, actually.

Hot dog jumping from... I wouldn't go for a sweet popcorn. I think that's my problem. I wouldn't either. It's not my favourite kind of thing. But I'm going to be fair and give it a seven. I'd go with a seven on that as well. As a popcorn product, sure, it's very good.

Right, so here's what's next. Well, we're going to go back to Jelly Bellies, because why not? Let's get them out of the way. Last time we had maple syrup and pancakes. Yeah. Nice, but I couldn't eat a whole bag. You wouldn't want a whole bag.

You'd want a mix. That's the whole point, don't you? Whereas this bag might be more up Gannon Street. Oh, yeah. It's definitely on Paul Lane. Say something else. Roundabout. Good.

Good word. So this is Jelly Belly. Go on, tell Belly Sours Yes I've been waiting for these I saw them in the States Almost picked them up When I was out there

Because I thought That's a thing isn't it That's a fucking thing isn't it So I've got a few colours in here I don't know what the flavours are It took them a few years But Jelly Belly have Finally probably succumbed

To market pressure And done a sour version Yeah Because sour has been The biggest trend in confectionery of the last few years, hasn't it? Of our generation. Everything turned sour.

In fact, one of the early episodes of this show, Paul, we had several sour things, which we tasted. Yes, Vimto one was incredibly sour. It was stupid sour. Anyway, pick a few. Let me see what the flavours are that we're dealing with. You have sour apple, standard. So green.

Sour cherry. Which I guess is this one, red. Red one. Sour orange. Okay, I don't have one of those. Sour lemon. I've got lemon. Sour grape.

Is blue grape? The blue is grape, yes. Okay, so I've got three cherries, one apple, one lemon, one grape. Let me see if I can get one of each. Yeah, maybe I should try and get one of each as well. And see if their flavour differentiation is as good with their other products. Yeah. It might not be.

Might not be. No. So you need an orange and... Is that it? Yeah. Right, let me get an orange for you. Five flavours. I don't have an orange, so let's get an orange.

Scientific work being done. I reckon I'm going to like the grape the most, so I'm going to save that for last. All right. What would you start with, your least favourite? Orange for me. Yeah, I'm with you. Yeah, so we go. Orange.

Mmm. Juicy. I mean, this is obviously not a cheap eat because they're jelly belly. Quite expensive probably, are they? Unless you got them at a discount store. When I was out in America, they're all in Walmart. Yeah, they might have just sold them off under a dollar maybe. Than their gourmet ones.

Yeah. But still a very nice natural tasting orange flavour on that, wasn't there? Where do you want to go next? Lemon? I wasn't getting a lot of sour. No, but it's got a nice sugary tingle, like a sherbet. I wasn't getting a lot of sour there. Not really.

Let's go for the lemon. That would be my next one. Lemon. Again, nice lemon. Very juicy. It's a nice it's a nice jelly bean not too sour

it's like industry standard jelly bean in terms of the texture it's got that balance between the chewiness and the sort of crystal-y and it doesn't have

the artificial sugar aftertaste that some jelly bellies do that's a big factor jelly beans do yeah green it was lemon

it wasn't anything it was the sour apple sour apple now oh Factor for you. Jelly beans do, yeah. All right. Green. It was lemon. It wasn't anything. Okay. It was the sour apple. Sour apple, now. Oh. I love sour apple flavour anyway. Love that flavour, yeah. Chew it when they used to do it.

Chew it. It's extreme, man. They still sell those. Fucking good shit. Fucking love chew it. It's extreme. They're fucking great, aren't they? Oh, atomic apple or something.

Yeah. Fucking. They're the pinnacle of sour stuff. I'm not... There's just not a lot of sour on these. No,

but nice flavours. This is the cherry now. Cherry... Oh, I like a nice cherry. That's really nice. Mmm, very nice.

Oh, that's really nice. It's got that cherry smokiness if that makes sense. Yeah, it's got that flavour of cherry. It's quite... Mmm. Oh, it's got that flavour of cherry. It's quite... Mmm.

Ah, that's satisfying. That's good. That's proper beaver arsehole. Right, and now for blue, which is grape, which you're saying is going to be the best,

hopefully? I prefer... Do you see that real joy you got from the cherry flavour there? That's what you get. That's what I get with the grape. I love that grape flavour. Let's go.

I love that grape flavour. Ooh. It's very reminiscent of a certain smell I remember from my youth. Reminds me of America, basically. That's what I was going to say. My sister used to have strawberry shortcake figures, you know, the little plastic figures of characters who were named after them. Oh, yeah, and they had smells. And each one smelled.

So that what we just ate smelled exactly like huckleberry pie or huckleberry fin whatever his name is mate it so does doesn't it it was that exact same smell I'm having a moment can I be in it no I want to be in your moment

so I'd say those are fucking lovely they are fucking lovely those are you know they've got they've earned their reputation as a fucking top brand

ten I'm going nine and a half that's mouth wank joy brilliant brilliant stuff we're going to move on to more savoury we're going back to savoury now they're good alright as a fucking top brand. Ten. I'm going nine and a half. That's mouth-wank joy. Brilliant. Brilliant stuff. We're going to move on to more savoury. We're going back to savoury now.

That's good. All right, savoury. Are you ready for savoury? One thing, if I had one criticism, they're not that sour. Yeah, but I could do with some more sour. I personally like more sour. A bit more mouth... But they're a bit of a VH1 product.

What do you mean? Like... Middle of the road. Middle of the road, but well-produced, well-liked. Everyone likes it. Well-rounded. Even the design is quite plain. It's sour, but for that particular audience, they don't really like sour. They don't really like sour.

Yeah. It's that kind of thing. I know what you're saying. And my nan will go, Ooh! Oh, I can't... Oh, nan! Spit it out, nan!

Ooh! You're playing with a dirty trick! Is she Irish, you know? No. Oh, Nan. Oh, Nan. Spit it out, Nan. Oh, you'd play with a dirty trick. Is she Irish? No. Okay. I've just took an Irish accent on all old women. Let's have the next food stuff on the Alison American Food Special Cheap Eats Edition Part 2.

It's time to go crazy with the savoury. Oh, yeah. This is hers, whom in the last episode did our jalapeno poppers. Which were a lie. Fine. A lie. But a dirty lie.

Yeah. A dirty lie! Shut up. So, oh, I can see what these are. Oh, no. I'm digging this hard. Right, these are Creamy Ranch and Habanero Potato Flavoured Crisps. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. Whoa! Right, these are creamy ranch and habanero potato flavoured crisps.

In 1946, James S. Herr started our family business with a commitment to providing customers with the best tasting potato chips. That tradition continues today across our wide range of delicious snacks. We combine the finest agreements with time-tested, newly crafted recipes. We uphold Dad's commitment by guaranteeing a complete satisfaction with every purchase. Oh, Dad, oh, Dad, oh, Dad made his crispy. So from our family... Oh, I've been making crisps all the Londoner. From our family to yours. Oh, fuck your family.

From our family via a corporate mega corporation. This is being written by an advanced crisp advert AI. Mention the word Dad. Oh, now they're a bit broken up because of transit. Watch it, watch it, let's start this off. Once Chris Badford AI mentioned the word dad. Now, they're a bit broken up. Let's start this off, Paul. What's your opinion of ranch? I like it.

It's fucking great, isn't it? It's the dog's bollocks. There should be more ranch over here. I can't get it. And when I try and make it, it's not the same thing. People think it's Caesar or they think it's indistinguishable. And having said that, you've heard what's happening to salad cream? Yeah, they're rebranding it as sandwich spread.

Sandwich cream. What sounds more like spunk? Salad cream or sandwich cream? Sandwich cream sounds more like spunk, doesn't it? I was having it last night

and I poured it out and I covered it back in sandwich cream. Yeah, it sounds more like spunk. It's disgusting. Although I used to like sandwich spread. Well, that's it.

What was sandwich spread? Well, salad cream but with bits of veg in. Oh, yeah. I think they still do that. I fucking love that shit when I was at school. That's a bit spoffy and weird. I used to have a thing that I called the white sandwich. Oh, God. Does that sound like a fucking...

That sounds like the last level of a cult initiation service. Yeah, it does, but it's not. The white sandwich. Is he ready for the white sandwich? When I was at secondary school. It'll all be different when you have the white sandwich. The bishop will give you the white sandwich. You must close your mouth

and then have it press him against his lips. Anyway, no, so I'd come home from school at lunch because he used to live quite near to school.

Go into the cupboard, get out white thick bread. Yes. Get some white Cheshire cheese out which is nice, salty, crumbly cheese. Yes.

Still hard. Yeah. And then salad cream and then that was the whole thing. It crumbly cheese. Yes. Still hard. Yeah. And then salad cream. And then that was the whole thing. It was a good sandwich. Full of white ingredients. Yeah. Did you really eat that?

Yeah. That is so childlike. Nearly every, and usually a club or a penguin biscuit with it. There's literally no green, no foliage anywhere near it. I thought, showing off. I get sandwich bread. There's veg in the sandwich bread. Just about.

But that's why they're changing the name to sandwich cream. Because millennials, apparently. off I get sandwich bread there's veg in the sandwich spread just about but they that's why they're changing the name to sandwich cream because millennials apparently fucking cunts they uh uh they eat it in sandwiches

if you're a fucking if you're a millennial listening to this podcast right now just want to say right thank you thanks very much thank you

we love you we want to support you you know we're slightly out of your age range in terms of realm of knowledge. It's fine. It's all fine. We want you here. Thank you.

Spread the word to your family and friends. Thank you. Thank you. Ranch. Yep. Again, something you see in the States all over the place. And it is basically a kind of salad dressing with garlic and sour cream. Basically.

That's basically it. I think so. I think there's lots of variations. When I was out there, Paul, they have ranch dip. I had some chips with ranch dip. I bet you fucking loved it. Yeah, that was serious bad news.

Right, come on. Have a sniff. So I'm going to like these. I know I'm going to like these. I love the herbs. I love the flavour on the jalapeno poppers. Yeah, I like that as well. They were good.

These are going to be good as well, I suggest. I'd say her strongest point has been the fucking savouries. Oh, you've seen a spoiler. Don't show me the spoiler. Right, let's eat crisps. Got a nice crinkle cunt.

Not too strong a flavour. Did I say crinkle cunt? Did not mean to say crinkle cunt. I met this girl the other day. She was absolutely lovely, but I got her over and she had a crinkle cunt. I said, that's alright, darling, was absolutely lovely, but I got her over. She had a crinklecunt. I said, that's all right, darling, for I have a quaver where my winky woo would be. Where my winky woo would be.

I love this song. Please. Wow, they've got some kick. They're nice, aren't they? They're ranch and halibut habanero. I said that. Wow. Could I just say?

Yeah. Herds are doing some fucking work with crisp flavours. I know, you're enjoying it. They're like, come on. Yeah. Come on. I know. Those are much better.

I've been eating those ones because people are into the strong Nixkies or whatever it's called. Ugh, whatever. Those strong ones. They're not as good as this. No. This has a dry, fruity heat. There's not mass with loads of sugar. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. heat. There's not loads of sugar. Do you know what I mean? It pops through with a lovely ranchy front. A garlicky front. I've had one while you've fucking just eaten the whole bag. Oh thanks, so leave me the two.

That's the best thing we've had. Those incredible mouth crack. They're proper fucking... Yeah, you like that, do you? Tastebud fentanyl. What, you like that, do you? Tastebud Fentanyl. What are you going to rate it then? I'm going to give that eight. I'll give it nine.

Of course. I like those crisps a lot, I have to say, Paul. I would get those in a shop. Right, are you ready for the next one? I think you know what's coming. Bow, bow, bow, bow. Funyuns, flaming hot. Oh my God, I just shat.

We like our Funyuns here And I like it hot I've squeegeed Oh they're just Fiery bright neon red They're the same Very same colour As As the

Flamin' Hot Crunchy Cheetos From last time Briefly And do you know what Paul Yeah I would Willing to say That they burn

Just as well So that's what I'm gonna try Let's get straight in No fucking about Everyone knows Funyuns I would be willing to say that they burn just as well. So that's what I'm going to try. Let's get straight in. No fucking about. Everyone knows Funyuns. Everyone knows Flaming Hot. Again, they've got that lemony citrus there.

You know, so it sort of goes with the heat. They're good. I don't know which one I like more. The Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos or the Flaming Hot Funnies? Hang on. Look at the logo for Flaming Hot on that. And look at the flaming logo hot on that. It's the same font exact.

Does it have a little character there? And it has a little character made out of flames. So it's the exact same... It is the same flavour. Who makes this? Does it all say Frito-Lay? Yeah. Or Lay's? It's Frito-Lay.

So they just basically use the exact same flavouring and poured it on two different textured crisps. Two different types of crisps. I'm alright with that. I think that's a slight difference that I think they're using that onion-y base for that one. Whereas this one's just hot. I think I prefer the Cheeto. Really? It's more honest.

I like those red hot Funyuns, man. They're lighter. Don't set that on fire as well, you pillow. That's what I'm doing. I thought you'd already agreed to this. In last episode. We're doing the burn episode. I've set the top of this Funyun, red hot Funyun, on fire,

and it's burning a tree. Why have you blown out my Funyun? Because it's a fire inside a small room, and this place looks like it could go up any second. No, it won't. Mate, this room is a death trap. Why? Look at it.

What? You're a spunk. There's no spunk in here. There's no spunk in here. Relax. You sound so sure. I don't think you should be. He's gobbed.

He's gobbed on the... Did I? You've gobbed on the table. Where? There's no spunk in here, Paul. What there is is your mucus. Where was it? Just there.

There? No, you've got it. Oh, it's a bit of snot. Right, let's finish off this cheap eats. Are we going to give a score for the Funyuns, Red Horse? Eight. I'd say a solid eight, yeah. Right, so we're finally ending today with a packet of Toms.

We're not ending because we've got two biscuits to do. But we've saved maybe the most apt for last. Tell me what you see on the front of that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love this. What is it, though? They are Tom's artificially flavoured kosher dill flavoured potato chips.

Pickle flavoured crisps. Oh, my God. I'm going to love these. I think I remember you saying a while ago, why don't they do that then? And then we got loads of emails and tweets saying, well, they do. They do do that.

And you were like, oh, I won't reply to any of these. Why don't they do that? They do do that. Anyway. Why don't they do that, Paul? Then you say, they do do that. They do do that. Okay, we'll do the whole thing.

All right, go. Oh, why don't they do that, Paul? Oh, but they do do that. They do do that. Okay, we'll do the whole thing. All right, go. Oh, why don't they do that, Paul? But they do do that. Oh, do they? What a waste of fucking time. Are you bored? Come on. You're bored?

Yes. I'm going to give the sniff test to these pickle-flavoured crisps. Good. I'm opening the packet now. I've got quite a lot to eat still. I'm going to get a huff on. Right. How could they be better than the ranch and habanero?

We're going to find... Oh, that's... I think I can see him tenting, ladies and gentlemen. It's pickly. It's very pickly. Oh, yeah. They've got that gherkin flavour. Oh, that's very pickly.

Okay. Oh, that's very gherkiny. You're right. Very gherkiny. That reminds me of being like a Boston bar. Yeah. And there's that. It reminds me of the scratch and sniff gherkin flavour stickers that I had as a child.

Yeah, it does. We bought from Brent Cross. Nice. And I used to go, oh, sniff the pickle. No, go on, anyway. Eat it. Scratch and sniff the pickle. Sniff, scratch and scratch the pickle.

Eat it. Scratch the pickle. Scratch the pickle. Scratch the pickle. I know you've made that abundantly clear. If you're going to retort, fucking speak proper, yeah? You're not getting that now. I don't care. I get to keep the little teddy.

If you put that glass gummy bear up your arse. He's doing it. He's rubbing it on his dick. Do you want it now? I do, but just give it a rinse. It's got a smell of my front package. I can't believe that's what this show has come to. Actually, Paul, on a level.

I'm rubbing a glass teddy bear against my dick and spuds. Just so you can have a sniff of it. Honestly, on a level, Paul. That's not funny, man. Oh, he's dropped it out of his short leg. Oh, Paul. That's not funny, man. Oh, it's not. I'm going to check. Oh, he's dropped it out of his short leg. Oh, dear.

Oh, I don't. Just put it down. That's a very picturesque flavour. I'm eating the pickle. I don't want to sniff the fucking dirty bear! I'm eating the pickle, Chris.

Don't try and ruin this moment for me. It's pickle-flavoured Chris. Go for it, boy. It's pickle flavoured crisps. Here I go. Yeah, I like those. Yeah?

The House of Pickles may have found its perfect snack. I really do like those a lot, I have to say. I'm not... Not sold? Not really. What would make your point, then? I don't know. Is it an artificially thing, you feel?

I like... I like gherkins and pickles. I like just, you know, noshing on them. But for some reason, I don't know, it's not the same thing. It's like having the taste,

but you want the texture of that pickle as well. Because they sync up once you get the taste. It doesn't remind you of a pickle. No. It reminds you of a new thing altogether, sort of thing. It's just there's a weird disconnect between... Well, it's hard. It doesn't remind you of a pickle. No. It reminds you of a new thing altogether sort of thing.

It's just there's a weird disconnect between. Well, it's hard. You can't, because you can't, the flavour of a pickle is so much in its texture, isn't it? Yeah. And whatever brine or herbs they've put in the brine. So they've got a lot of different flavours they can sort of have. You get dill. Are these dill?

Yeah. The dill is the main flavour. I'd give that four. Really? Yeah. Out of ten? Personally speaking, four. I wouldn give that four. Really? Yeah. Out of ten? Personally speaking, four. I wouldn't enjoy eating a pack of that.

Fucking hell, mate. Yeah, but that means you can have them. You're crazy. Good. What would you give it? Are they better than the ranch? I really like those. You know what they remind me of?

It's that Polish gherkin flavoured noodle. Okay. But which one's the best, though? Which one are you taking home with you tonight? Out of the ranch and these? Yeah. It's such a hard... Don't make me do this. I'm going to have to, unfortunately.

Why? Because they're mine, and I can take them all away. You take the habaneros? No, you want the pickle? Yeah, he wants that pickle. That little look he gave me, that was a man who wanted his pickle. It's been a fantastic haul from... Wait.

From the States. Thank you very much, Alison. Thank you very much, Alison. But wait, Paul. What? But wait. Is there a pair of very unusual biscuit products for you to taste here as an extra added bonus on this edition of Cheap Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat?

Yes, so let's do it. First up. Yeah. These are Oreos. A very famous biscuit's do it. First up. Yeah. These are Oreos. A very famous biscuit company, Paul. Very famous. Yeah. And I read someone online dissing the flavour of Oreos.

I believe that was Nick Pettigrew. What was he doing? He just fucking hates Oreos, which is fine. He said they're a taste of cardboard and despair or something. He said they were evil or something. I don't know. What do you think of just your standard Oreo? It depends.

Sometimes I'm in the mood for them and sometimes I just don't want to. Well, when you'm in the mood for them, and sometimes I just don't want to. Well, when you're in the mood for them, what is it you like about them? Double stuffed, stick them together, lots of creamy goodness. You like the cream? Yeah. And then the nice dark biscuit afterwards is nice as well. Yeah, so for you, and you can taste the chocolate in the biscuit, because he was saying it's like a bourbon.

Yeah. Like a bourbon. If you had bourbon creams. Yeah. And then you had Oreos. Not double stuffed okay which one would you go for oh I think I'd have the

Oreo you would okay because the quality of bourbons has gone down recently and every time I get a packet they're all fake

so at least powdery disappointment sticks man anyway I like ice cream ice cream Oreo anyway now these are Oreos, ladies and gentlemen.

I touched my dick. These are Oreos, but they are grape and peach flavour Oreos from China, Paul. How strange. That means they do not have the usual cream filling. They have two-tone, I believe.

I'm going to judge the packaging. Two-tone tone green and pink interesting green is the grape the pink is the peach so do I try one half each and then together they're in these weird little packets Paul

yeah speak into the mic again weird little packets Paul yeah I know what's going on with that that's not a standard Oreo packet no and look it's got a picture of a telephone on it

it's a cute little thing isn't it it's just a cute little thing, isn't it? A camera. It's just a cute little thing to say, look, buy all these different packet designs because they're all different. It's all a bit cool, isn't it? I guess what it is. I don't like it. Also, it means you can save half the pack. Well, that's why I'm not opening that one. Keep it fresh. Keep it fresh.

Right, so he's opening up with his stupid lumpy hands. Don't insult my hands. Don't insult my hands. Don't insult my hands. Do not insult my hands. Like a hamburger surrounded by chicken drumsticks. There you go. It looks like a standard Oreo. Oh, that is a standard Oreo, though.

It's white. Fuck me. Does it smell weird, though? You can see the difference. Well, I'm going to have to open the fucker up to see the difference. Twist a little bit. Is it a bit of a twist? And then separate.

And there's two tones. You know what it smells like to me? Ice cream. Yeah, it's very ice cream-y. Very strange. I'm just going to have a nibble. Half green, half pink. I'm going to eat one side separately so I can get a taste of them.

So I'm going to eat the pink side, which is you, Strawberry, did you say? Peach. Peach. Hmm. It's like eating a six-year-old's makeup set. It's very floral and kind of overpoweringly sweet and artificial. You think that tastes like peach? Ooh.

Right, I'm going to eat the green side now. Ooh. It's very strange, isn't it? See, that tastes like grape. It's not for our palate. What a strange-tasting biscuit. Remember we had the strawberry-flavoured crisps? Yeah. It's a bit our palate. What a strange tasting biscuit. Remember we had the strawberry flavoured crisps? Yeah.

It's a bit like that, isn't it? Amelia, when she came over the next day, saw them. And we were like, oh yeah, we used that in Cheap Show. It was disgusting, yeah. She goes, oh, they're from Japan. And I was like, oh, we thought it was from China. Somewhere else. Taiwan.

No, it says limited edition strawberry. So it was like a limited edition for something. She eats one. She goes, oh, I love this. And because she's into Japan and the culture, I think she gets it. Because I think they like their weird, savoury sweet. They serve fries with chocolate sauce. Yeah.

Like in their McDonald's, you get chocolate sauce with your fries. So they're just used to mixing. Certain kinds of sweets with savouries. Salt and sweet. Whereas that, to me, is really intense. It's weird. And the chocolate, the bitterness that comes from the chocolate cookie part

doesn't seem to sit well with the other flavours. Do you know what I mean? It all has that kind of sugary tang. Yeah. The artificial tang I'm getting. They are quite unpleasant, really. Yeah, I get it. It's perfumey.

Well, it's perfumey. Do you know what I mean? It's that kind of cloying or sort of aromatics that are going on. You know when you get a scented candle, that taste of sweet stuff? Yeah, it's like that, isn't it? It's weird. All right, let's try the next thing. What shall we say out of ten for those?

Five. Yeah. A strange thing. But again, culturally, it's not our cup of tea. They're into that over there, I guess. I guess. You don't get any other difference. You get the white ones here, don't you?

The white Oreos. And they're like custard creams a little bit. Bullshit. Anyway, next and final thing to put it on. Another unusual item as the final item. I'm definitely eating a lot of stuff today. Oh, my God. I'm Roly Poly.

Roly Poly Eli. Roll me across the floor and put some sand down. See where the wet patch is. He's so fat. Because he's such a fat, fat-handed, lumpy, gross. Don't start on the hands, I've told you. Blobby, wretched, wrinkly, unkempt, folded. How many times are you going to fucking do this?

You're such a sad cunt. Don't do that. You're a lovely, cuddly, warm, giving, sentimental... It's Jammie Dodgers, ladies and gentlemen. What kind? Because I've had Jammie Dodgers, ladies and gentlemen. What kind? Because I've had Jammie Dodgers and I'm A-OK. These aren't your standard Jammie Dodgers, Paul. Why?

These aren't your fucking run-of-the-mill, every-day, walk-in, walk-out, boring, kill-yourself, fucking cry, fucking Jammie Dodgers, are they? No. No, what are they? These are limited-edition Jammie Dodgers. Fuck. Limited- limited edition Jammie Dodgers. Fuck.

Limited edition Jammie Dodgers. How limited? Do you know what that suggests to me, Paul? They're going to taste awful. Well, not just that, but it suggests to me that Jammie Dodgers as a brand might be in a bit of trouble. Oh, no. Because I don't know if you were witness to the dying gasps of the Grifter bar from the early 90s. They had literally about three or four different special edition flavours

that came out and then they disappeared forever. That's how Whisper went. Exactly. So you know what I'm saying? It looks like Jammy Dodgers. They're going, oh, do you like this? Do you like that? Maybe it's a summer thing they do.

It's a toffee apple limited edition Jammy Dodger. Okay. Now, what would your standard have in your standard jammy dodger? Raspberry. Raspberry or strawberry? I believe it's raspberry. I think the standard is strawberry, and then they advertise special raspberry ones. So shut your mouth.

Hey, look. Okay. Jammy dodger, it's one of my top biscuits, Paul. I love the jammies. I love the jammy dodgers. I love the chewy. Oh, right. So you just don't want to do the show at all now.

Is that what's happening? I just want jammies. I love the jammy dodgers. I love the chewy. Oh, right. So you just don't want to do the show at all now. Is that what's happening? I just want to eat them. I'm having a bit where I talk about jammy dodgers. It's boring. It's not boring. It is. You may think it's boring. It's a short cake biscuit with a hole in the middle for jam.

It's one of my top biscuits. And the other thing I was going to fucking mention. Yeah, well, you're not going to mention it because I'm going to stop you Vito I don't care what you say I'm going to rub these on my cock I might want them more that's disgusting

I'll sell you knob cheese in the post you have to go on my website elinobcheese.com knobcheese by mail a little gif of you comes up and goes I've got older

Nob Cheese So Foxes do like a jam ring cream or something Yeah they add cream in though I don't like it So that's what

I was going to ask you What do you think This is the classic is the Jammy Dodger just with the jam and just the Dodger. Yeah, don't want any bit of cream in it. So they're just trying to walk over other classic biscuits by poshing them up a bit.

A little bit, but that's maybe the USP. Yeah. We're a bit posh, Foxes. Well, I don't buy it. I wouldn't buy their shit. Anyway, that's what I'm saying. The other thing about these is that now you see in trendy coffee shops and so on, they have large ones, giant jammy dodgers,

like £1.50, at least £1.50. Have you ever had one of those? No, actually. Fuck that. Because I'm not going to spend £1.50 for a massive jammy dodger. These are toffee apple, not my favourite flavour. I don't know, they might be quite nice. You smell it, smell kind of caramelly toffee flavour coming off of it. I'm going to get right in it with my teeth.

Go on. Okay, here I go. Very little going on there for me. I mean, yeah. Yeah, I was going to say that. You can taste it.

It's a kind of toffee apple. It's fine, but it's not. No. I don't like the finish, the caramelly finish. I don't think it sits

well with the shortbread. To me, it feels like the shortbread's a bit lacking finish. I don't think it sits well with the shortbread. To me, it feels like the shortbread's a bit lacking. The shortbread's very sort of soft. It's not crisp enough, isn't it? It's very crumbly, cheap. It's just weird. It feels like...

It's all soft and weird. I mean, maybe it's the temperature, you know. Maybe. These aren't past their sell-by. Maybe they've made a bad batch of Jammy Dodgers, right? They don't go off until September 2018. Well, no. Let's just say they did the usual mix of Jammy Dodgers.

Then a quarter of a million of these came out. I was like, man, the biscuit's not done. It doesn't even taste like jam. It tastes a bit like a toffee apple. Limited edition. That's how we get rid of these million. It could be. I don't think that's the case, though.

I think they might be in trouble and they're flailing around. Just like Grifters did. Four. Yeah. Four. I much prefer the jam. That's what makes a jammy dodger for me. When you eat and then you get the little raspberry and strawberry at the end of that,

you get a bit of a caramel and doesn't really know what it wants to be. It's a schizophrenic biscuit, doesn't know what it wants to be. Limited edition. Let's hope it's limited, Paul, eh? I'm a schizophrenic biscuit and I don't know who I'm gonna be. Sexy robot rap. I mean, that was truly poor. It was truly weak.

Well, that's the end of that segment. I've eaten so much and there's more food to come. Stay with us. It's a munchy munch yum yum edition of Cheap Show. I nearly said the goodies then for some reason. I don't know why. Don't ever say that. Goodies.

Goody goody yum yum. Yum yum yum yum yum then for some reason. I don't know why. Don't ever say that. Goodies. Goody, goody, yum, yum. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Shut up. And now on Cheap Show, it's time for that very important part of our scheduled programming where we tackle possibly the hardest-hitting subject in Cheap Show history. In this segment of the show, possibly the hardest hitting subject in Cheap Show history.

In this segment of the show we simply take a famous crisp or snack. Good, you said crisp first. I got to you. Anyway, yes, ladies and gentlemen I haven't finished it. You're finished.

Believe me. Fucking cheeky cunt. Come on. That was good, but it's over. I was nearly going to wrap it up, though. All right. So won't you join us as we bring the crisp or snack

into these hallowed walls and present to you via nostalgia, flavour, texture and value for money the four bedposts of this bedposts league

of snacks and crisps thank you very much Paul brilliant if I may say so yourself what was I meant to say bedstone

not bedstone pillars you said bedpost and you meant pillars bedpost sounds good they're in the same category of object like a four poster bed

of snacks it was a pure canonism and I thank you for it it was a successful segment of the show. Successful intro to the segment.

But as he was saying, ladies and gentlemen, we're not messing around here. This is serious and very well thought out. The nostalgia. There will be no humour in this section of the show.

Quavers got a high mark because Quavers deserved a high mark. Deal with it. Quavers are strong. Fucking deal with it. Empirically speaking, Quavers are strong. Fucking deal with it. Empirically speaking, Quavers are strong.

We will not bow down to terrorism. We're not bow down. Anyway. We're not bow down to someone else's opinion about crisps. We are here. We are the League of Crisps and Snacks. Come on then. What have we got?

That's like when you get a woman in. Come on then. No, it's not. No, it's not, Paul. No, it's not. Okay. What have we got? Well, I'll explain to you why you continue rolling the marijuana spliff.

We don't want to say that. No? In that case, or the hash pipe. You're an idiot. You're an idiot, you fucking cunt. Nonce enabler. If I'm a nonce, how come you haven't sent me in yet? I've got to do evidence.

That's why. I think he meant nonce in the more general, like you're a fucking idiot. Then it'd be ponce. Yeah. Nonce is a strong connotation. I know. And I don't like the association. Okay, fine.

All right? I don't want people thinking I touch people up. You don't. I don't. I have a girlfriend. Only me. And you. You rub gifts from me.

A gift that was meant for me. On your knobbers. Oh, he smells just like a week last Tuesday. You remember, don't you, Teddy Glassman? Don't start. Please, please don't start. I'm Teddy Glassman. No, no, no, please.

And I've seen everything Paul's done. Ask me a question, Eli, and I'll tell you what Paul's done. Can I have you, Teddy Glassman, please, for my own? I'll have to talk to my agent about this, because obviously I've got a busy... Well, could you do that, please, Teddy Glassman, quickly? Brr, brr. Oh, hello. Hello, it's Teddy Glassman here.

Hello, I am Mr Biscuits. Oh, God. Hello. Oh, no. Mr Biscuits, how can I help? Mr Biscuits. Oh, God! Hello. Oh, no! Mr. Biscuits, how can I help Mr. Biscuits? Well, I've got a bit of a problem Eli would like to talk to me. That's not Mr. Biscuits' voice.

The continuity's so shit with you. Oh, that's not really very good, is it? So, alright, let me see. I'll speak to Richard Brandoff. Oh, fuck's sake. Off, off, off. I'm Richard Brandoff. I'm Richard Brandoff and I've got him in. Off, off, off. I'm Richard Brandoff. I'm Richard Brandoff and I've got nothing.

I've got nothing. I just thought I'd go woof, woof, woof. That's my character. Oh, no, you're taking the piss out of one of my characters, are you? That's right.

So what should I do, Brandoff? Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. That's not really... I'd just like to say, everyone, that was not the official Richard Brandoff voice. Anyway, should I take it off?

Put the bed down! It's not working! I've got to hang up. I've got to go. Anyway, should I take it off? Put the bed down! It's not working! I've got to hang up. I've got to go. Yeah, fuck off. We're in the middle of recording. Yes. Oh, hold on.

Yes, thank you, Jimmy Biscuits, not the right voice. Who's an agent now and not American anymore like some kind of imposter. It's a tough economy. I have to get what I can. Why?

Why do you have to change your total accent though, Jimmy Biscuits? Tell me that. Is it because you're weak? You're a weak performance by a stilted cunt. Get the fucking thing out. We're tasting with you.

So a little while ago, Eli mentioned that there was a triumvirate of snacks, which he believes is almost holy in its stature. It's the Smith's triumvirate of snacks. Which are? Cheese moments. Yeah. A wheat-based snack

with a crispy outer shell and some cheese in the inside, Paul. Nice. A cheese sort of fondant, if you will, in the inside. Yeah.

And they're triangular. Yeah. You used to see all of these together and they, similar to KP products, would be on a board with a picture behind.

I haven't understood the other two yet. I'm just putting that in as an aside before I get to the other two. So you've got the cheese moments. Second of the triumvirate. What they call bacon fries. Bacon. Bacon fries.

Bacon fries. And that is, if you can imagine, the ultimate frazzle. How you'd always wanted frazzles to be forever and ever. Okay. And then finally... Scampi fries. What's a scampi fry? It is a fish-flavoured...

Scampi and lemon flavoured... Wheat crunch snack. Wheat crunchy. All three of them are basically wheat-based sort of crunchy crisp things. Now, I went to B&M. And they've been around for years and years and years, haven't they? Very popular, well-known bar snack. I think they must have started in the 80s.

Probably. Like dry roasted peanuts. It was a great time for savoury snack invention, Paul. Yes, it was. We need to find out when they were invented for this discussion. Do I? Yeah, Paul, what's the problem with you, yeah? Okay, Google.

Smith's Bar Snacks. I found a couple of places within 5.6 miles. That's not what I fucking... They're not. Smith's Bar Snacks. I found a couple of places within 5.6 miles. That's not what I fucking... They're not called Smith's Bar Snacks. They were called Smith's Savory Sensations. Oh. Okay, Google. Smith's Savory Sensations. Here are some results from a search.

Just want to know the year when they came out. Oh, this is different. They're the same things, though. They've got a longer ancestry. No, they sent me to Walker's and their fucking taste sensation. Well, they're made by Walker's now. Are they? I think, yeah. No, these are still Smith's, these crisps.

Yeah, but Smith's are owned by Walker's. Smith's are owned by Walker's. And they just keep the brand going because everyone knows Smith's Square Crisps and Smith's Salt and Shake. We're going to have to do Salt and Shake on this show. Yeah, of course we have to do Salt and Shake. We're going to have to do Salt and Shake, Paul, on this show. In Leicester Live, there's an article in March 2018.

Are supplies of Scampi Fries running out? Scampi Fries are produced by Walkers under the Smiths brand. You are correct. Thank you. They have a factory in Leicester. This is a proper news story. There have been local reports of dwindling supplies of the snack. With no known date for the restarting of the production,

the pub favourite soon could be unavailable in bars around the country. The exact details of the production issue are not known. Well, they can't be that bad because we've got some here, haven't we, in your bag? Yeah, well, this is what I found in B&M in a multi-bag. And here's the problem. Only two flavours in the multi-bag, not three. The triumvirate is broken. The cheese was not included.

The cheese moments are gone. Oh, what should I do? The triumvirate is not true. The triumvirate of snacks. The triumvirate of snacks. It's the triumvirate of snacks. Paul, what's become of it? What's the triumph-a-root of snacks. Paul, what's become of it?

What's become of it, Paul? We don't know. I don't know why they've dropped cheese moments. They've dropped the cheese moments. I think I vaguely remember reading about this somewhere, but this is... It's a disaster. It is a disaster. You might not have the cheese moments every time, Paul,

but you want to know they're there. You want to know they're fucking there. You know? Yeah. Now, there was a lot. It says they don't make them at all now. Yeah. They have Cheetos.

They've dropped them. Scampi fries. And that's it. They've dropped them. The triumvirate is lost. Hang on. Previous products. So cheese-flavoured moments.

Yeah, that's there. Cheese-flavoured triangles with cheese powder centre. Or a British snack produced by their... They've stopped. And they stopped making them. Let's have a look. Sold during the 90s when they were most popular. Introduced in the 1980s along with Scampi Fries.

Initially sold for 20p in the South West as a test market. I know. So bacon fries must have been before because they've been knocking around. They're just a frazzle, essentially. By the time they got to the North West, they were now selling the 25p a packet. It's been noticed recently that the size of the individual snacks have been reduced,

possibly to reduce costs. It was announced on 12th January 2010 that Smiths would no longer manufacture them due to lack of popularity. Wow. I can't believe it's that long since I ate a packet of those, man. I just don't feel like that's true.

I don't feel like that's real, Paul. I feel like it was only just a year ago or so that I had a cheesy moment. Who knows? It was fucking eight years ago, the last time I ate a cheesy moment. Anyway. A cheese moment, Paul. So we can't do anything about that right now, unfortunately. I can't believe that.

We're living in a different reality here, where cheese moments have not been manufactured for almost ten years. I can't believe it. What's happened to my life? And when you found out about Space Raiders only coming out in the late 80s. No, that was you who was shocked by that. I predicted that. I knew that.

No, you fucking didn't predict it. You were just as surprised as me. I was not surprised about that. You listened to it back. Yes, I did. I'll tell you what I was surprised about. You're fucking mixing stuff up again, Paul. I'll tell you what I was surprised about.

Goodbye, gummy bear. You're not having it I'm fine because this disobedience means you don't get class magic I'll tell you what I was surprised about

dry roasted peanuts being coming out in the 80s oh that's what I was thinking of yeah so you were wrong and you fucked it up you surprised it both

have a bit of rigour have a bit of mental rigour yeah think about it anyway we don't have the cheese moments but we do have the bacon fries

I can't believe this is true but we have the other moments but we do have the bacon fries I can't believe this is true but we have the other triumvirates and the scampi fries now they've got a distinctive I call them

the triumvirate because they all got a sort of packaging that you remember from behind the bar which is the Smiths the three lines

of the Smiths and they're all the same size the scampi fries are the same size they're not a full crisp size pack because they've

changed the logo officially they've changed the logo officially of Smiths right but for these packs they keep them as the 1980s. Because they've changed the logo officially. They've changed the logo officially of Smith's, right. But for these packs, they keep them as the 1980s style. Because you've got the nostalgia. I'm going to have to start calling them the duo.

The magic duo of snacks. Cheese moments are gone. Wow. Okay, well. Wow. The dirty duo. So we're putting these all together and we're rating them as one entry, are we? No, we should rate it as separate entries.

Yes, I think so. Because they are different crisps at the end of the day, aren't they? Different snacks. These are the type of thing that really fall in between the two camps of crisps and snacks, don't they? Anyway. They're sort of a crisp and they're sort of a snack. Bag of six, a quid from B&M.

That's good value. It's not bad at all. What do you want to start with? Scampi or bacon? Let's start with the bacon. I think the scampi have got more going for them. Because I can eat the scampi because there's not a single fish near it. I knew it.

It's just flavouring. Yeah. Here we go. Let's go for the bacon. Let have got more going for them. Because I can eat the scampi because there's not a single fish near it. I knew it. It's just flavouring. Yeah. Here we go. Let's go for the bacon. Now, tell me that's not... They're very crisp. They're very... Brittle.

Brittle. And they've got a real sort of... Darkness. Brown. A look, yeah. A look to them that's like... A bit more streaky bacon. Crispy bacon, yeah.

Streaky bacon well done, don't they? They're good. They look good. Mmm. They're much more crunchy. Than a frazzle. Frazzles are much softer now. They're much denser than a frazzle as well.

They're denser and more crunchy. Flavour, though? I guess frazzles are very sweet these days. These are kind of sweet, but they're not very bacon-y, if that makes sense. I don't know if it's just my taste buds have gone, but they taste less bacon-y than they used to. Or so do frazzles.

Maybe it's us that's changed. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. As you go on, your taste goes. Isn't that a depressing fact about ageing? And my waistline. And my dick. But your actual taste, your sense of taste gets duller and duller as you get older.

Actually, my dick's working fine for the record. It's just got a weird growth on it. It's called me. It's wacky Gannon. Anyway. Let's give that a mark. So let's start with nostalgia. It's a very nostalgic snack.

It is. But only for a particular bunch of people in the UK. It's very nostalgic. Very working snack. It is. But only for a particular bunch of people in the UK. It's very nostalgic. Very working class. Now, am I going to give it a nostalgia score based on it being part of the original Triumvirate? Or am I going to give it a score just on its own? Do you see what I mean? It's hard to distinguish them in terms of nostalgia.

I think what we should do is no matter what we rate them, the nostalgia should be the same for both. Well, that's what I'm saying. That's what makes me want to push it up to like a nine. Oh, no. They're very traditional. I would say eight. I'm saying. That's what makes me want to push it up to like a nine. Oh, no. They're very traditional. I would say eight. I'll tell you why. 8.25.

Unless you went into a pub and you were of a certain age, you wouldn't really see these in the shops. I know, but they were such a thing, weren't they? The triumvirate of snacks. Yeah, but it's a different type of nostalgia. Whereas Monster Munch is universal nostalgia every age. As well. If we're talking about, we have to bring the scampi fries in here.

We're going to give them the same score now. Yeah, we are on this one. Vagina fingers. Yeah? That's what they used to call you at school. No, that's what, there was all these jokes and everything about scampi fries smelling a bit like fanny. Even though everyone who said that had never been anywhere near a fanny at that age. Well, whatever, yeah.

But do you know what I mean? Yeah. It was a thing. Like when you put watsits in your fingers. Have you been eating scampi fries? No, I've been fingering your mum or whatever. Yeah. A witty comeback. Yeah. But do you know what I mean? Yeah. It was a thing. It's like when you put watsits in your fingers. Have you been eating scampi fries? No, I've been fingering your mum or whatever. Yeah. A witty comeback.

Yeah. Right. So that gives it a bit of nostalgia. Pushes it up another 20.25. 8.25. I will not go lower. 8.25. 8.5.

That's more than 8.25. I know. Do you know that? I know. Okay. Just making sure. I know. Do you know that? I know. Okay. I'm just making sure. I know. I was only saying,

I was saying 8.5 because I just think... I'll go 8.5. Okay. Flavour? Is that the next? Flavour is next. Interesting one.

Very good. Six. I like... Yeah. A bacon-y... But soft. Yeah. It's not an acrid bacon flavour, but it's all right.

It's all right. It's a six. Texture. Now, I quite like the fact that they're really crunchy and hot. 7.5 would go up to 7.5 with that, can't we? Seven. All right. Seven.

Seven for texture? Yeah. I like that texture. They're crunchy. Six. Seven. Seven. At least seven. Seven. All right, seven. And then value for money. Well. It's got to be high. I don that texture. They're crunchy. Six. Seven. Seven. At least seven.

Seven. All right, it's seven. And then value for money. Well. It's got to be high. I don't know. A quid for how many packs? Yeah, but if you were in a bar where you usually buy them.

There'd be at least a quid for one pack. Yeah, and that's quite expensive for a small little bag like that. I think these are smaller. As they often do. These are smaller than the ones they'd sell as individual ones. Yeah. So I would say, maybe seven again. Alright.

So, that runs up as 20, let me just get this right, 17, 18, 19, 28.5. I think that's fair. For that one, do you want to just do the maths again? I think the committee have done well there. Seven, seven, six.

I'll check your workings if you pass over that. 7, 7, 6, 8.5. I'm not reacting to that. Well, stop eating. Okay, that's fair. 14.5, 21.5, 28.5. Yep, yep. Cool. Move on.5 28.5

Yep Yep Cool Move on Let's go all the way to Scampi Town That's what your mum said Oh god Give him a sniff

I'm just going to wash my palate Oh that's it It's got a slightly ammonia Ammonia Fishy fanny Fishy smell Fishy fanny Oh that's good though

So these are Scampi and lemon flavoured cereal snack What is Scampi? Ammonia. Ammonia. Fishy fanny. Fishy smell. Fishy fanny. Oh, that's good, though. So these are scampi and lemon-flavoured cereal snack. What is scampi? They are breaded prawns. Are they? Yeah, they're shrimp, like jumbo shrimp, breaded. Okay, Google. I know what scampi is.

I know, but I just want to double-check. I've been to your mum's house. I know what scampi is. Okay, Google. That's me. How can I help? I've been to your mum's house, I know what scampi is. Scampi. That's good. According to Wikipedia, scampi, also called Dublin

Bay prawn, or Norway lobster, is an edible lobster of the order D capita. It's a lobster in the Mediterranean North East Atlantic. It's like a mini lobster. I guess so. I did not know that. I also heard

some terrible story about real scampi. They need to give them some kind of VD to make them all red or something. To make them crispy or something.

So they give them VD on purpose. I might be talking out of my absolute ain't hole. American scampi in garlic butter. Oh, that looks nice. Pity I can't eat out of my absolute ain't hole. American scampi in garlic butter. I love it.

Pity I can't eat fucking seafood. Anyway, I'm having a sniff. Now, you're not allergic to this, Paul. Let's just be clear. It smells like a chip shop. Yeah. It's got that slight niffy, vinegar. Vinegary, slightly lemony, fishy. Fucking nice. I have to say, before we go in here, this is one

of my favourite snacks of all time. I have to say, yeah, go in here, this is one of my favourite snacks of all time. I have to say, yeah, I love this. Let's eat one. Because again, I don't think there's a fish anywhere near this product. I think that works.

That works for me. It's got a nice, it's like a wheat crunchy. It's all wheat based. And the crunch really works there. It's quite a refreshing snack actually because that lemon aftertaste. It's got a light finish really, doesn't it? Helps the saliva roll. there. It's quite a refreshing snack, actually, because that lemon aftertaste. It's got a light finish, really, doesn't it?

Helps the saliva roll. Yeah. It amuses the boosh, doesn't it? It's not my favourite flavour, Will, but it's a nice alternative to the usual bacons and whatnots. I think that's really good. Let's go. So, nostalgia 8.5. We know.

Flavour. I think added to nostalgia is all the fanny jugs that I remember. For me, that's added to the nostalgia. Like with Wotsits and the smell of them being up your arsehole. Yes. It gives it nostalgia because it's something we remember being part of ribaldry and banter as we were children. Yes?

Yes? Yes. So, Flavour. Do you know what? You've been really bored this whole session. I haven't. Two episodes of you on your fucking seed game

more snacks more snacks and it's been a hot day you don't have to make an excuse I'm just saying your shit just take it don't attack me don't be standing up just be sitting down show critique has to stop

well then stop singing. Stop being untalented. Whoa! Says he wants to put me in every project he does. It's a charity. Just to add some fucking star appeal. It's a charity, mate. That's why I do it.

I'll give it the spaz. I'll give it the twinkle. I'll give it the... You give it the spaz. Can I just bring your attention to that? Yes, bring my attention. Look, this is meant to be the league fucking Christmas. Flavour.

Flavour. Flavour. I'm giving it high flavour. I'm going to 8.5 on flavour. I'm going to want to make you come down to 8. I'm not going lower than 8.25. Go 8. I'm not going lower than 8.25 on scampi.

This is one of my favourites, Paul. Yeah, but it's not about your favourites. I'm talking about the people 8.25 on Scampi this is one of my favourites Paul yeah but it's not about your favourites I'm talking about the people out there who can go oh that's alright

I'm talking about Mr Joe Public fuck you who you don't represent and fuck them because you're spoiled I'm not spoiled or privileged

I've been someone who's been eating these crisps for a long time and I know what I'm talking about when I talk about crisps that I like it's snobbery now is it what do you mean snobbery

where's this every man acceptance gone I can't believe you're fucking putting me down I have a.25 of a mark .2 8.2 8.2

it's arrogance though it's exactly like I think they taste 8.2 such a snowflake so cock-holded by all this it's like you're such an SJ warrior

when it comes to this come on you're so sensitive when it comes to this I'm an SJ what you're just trying to tie in some buzzword you heard on fucking.

Anyway, it's eight. It's eight. 8.2. It's eight because I think it has to be accounted for that not everyone is you who loves them.

8.1. Eight. It's better than an eight, the flavour. It's not. It's an eight. Right, but this is the end of the league. No, it's not.

This is the end of the league. If we can't come to an agreement, Paul, that's the end of the league. No, it's not. This is the end of the league. If we can't come to an agreement... Paul, that was the rules of the league of fucking crisps and snacks from the beginning. We have to agree. We haven't agreed. It's not unanimous. I'm willing to make a compromise on this. Yeah?

Yeah? I'm willing to come down... To eight. ...from the true score... Of? 8.5 to 8.1. 8.1? Then why not go to 8 then

what's the point of the 1 because I want my.1 I'm fucking drawing a line in the sand that's my.1 I will not be fucking continuing with the fucking thing

even if you do not write.1 there I will be adding it to the score when I do the tally man 8.25 he's gone to ladies and gentlemen

I'm very pleased see threatening behaviour got that so go show him bullying works texture what just tell me and I'll try and say 8 gone too, ladies and gentlemen. I'm very pleased. See, threatening behaviour got that, so go show it works. Bullying works, yeah. Texture? What?

Just tell me and I'll try and say it should be better. I like the texture of them. They're nice and crunchy. They're quite moist. They're not moist at all. Well, they're not crispy hard like these ones.

There's a bit of softness to these that I quite like. That's because they've got the air pocket. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. It's got a slight kind of... Airiness. It becomes more kind of mushy in

your mouth than these which still stay quite sharp. I just think they're really good. We're saying eight, are we? Eight.

Okay. And then value for money, well, I guess it has to be the same. Yeah. So that's another seven.

Add up four scampi fries, what have we got to today? Eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. We're waiting.

Paul, just hand it to me, it's fine. Yeah, let's do it. I just can't do numbers in my head, it's such a fucking weird thing to have. It's not weird, it to me. It's fine. I just can't do numbers in my head. It's such a fucking weird thing to have. It's not weird. It's bizarre.

I literally have to count dots in my head. 31.75 31.75 That puts it quite high. So, the bacon bites 28.5 The scampi fries

31.5 the scampi fries 31.5 .75 oh.75 yeah of course well there you go interesting final score I think that was a fair score I'm glad that the

you know I had to fight for the scampis but you did it was a bit pathetic not your finest hour listen man being a five year old

in a supermarket I want it listen now that the cheese moments I just can't believe that it's a sad day. I've been going on about it. I feel like a fool. What can you do? The Triumvirate

hasn't been around for like ten years. The Triumvirate ended years ago. It's like I'm living in an alternative reality, Paul. Well, I'm sorry, but we must now close the door on the Treehouse Club. That is the League of Snacks and Crisps. So, until next time

thank you for joining us and remember we're right about crisps. Yeah. And that's a Cheap Show episode done and out the

way. It's all over till next week but why don't you come back in a week's time and join us for more economy comedy fun and games

I've been Paul Gannon that's Eli Silverman thank you very much thank you very much if you want to follow us on any of the social media platforms you can just do a search for Cheap Show

on Reddit on bloody YouTube Facebook Tumblr Instagram you'll find us one way or the other

so yeah look for us on those platforms we also have our website thecheapshow.co.uk, which you can go to to look for pictures and videos and other bits of facts and stuff. We'll have photos of all the snacks featured on today's show, plus the extra biscuits.

That's it. That's all we did. That's all we've mentioned. So that's that. What else? Twitter, at thecheapshowpod. I am at paulgannonshow. Eli is

Eli Snoid that's spelled E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and you can see us on Barshens every other week or so on Friday on YouTube Barry Lewis

and Stuart Ashton's having right old larks they do we're on that and on Patreon if you give to us on Patreon or you're thinking about it why not go to

patreon.com forward slash cheap show and mull over whether you want to help support this podcast. That's patreon forward slash cheap show dot com. No. Fucking useless cunt.

Fuck you. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. You couldn't have gotten that more wrong. Anyway. Patreon.com forward slash the cheap show. The money that we have received from Patreon

has been amazing and we're still a bit flabbergasted by it but we are really thankful because it helps us keep this going and keeps us available to do it weekly now

so thank you keeps me in pickles and chutneys it really does I have to feed his amorous cravings so it's not a word that you used

in the right context at all. Such a fucking prick. Such a prick. Good night, Paul. And you can subscribe to us on any good podcast app you like, including the new Google Podcasts app that you can get. If you listen to us on iTunes, why not leave a review and a star rating? Does the Google one say if you like that, you might like this?

I bet it does. Maybe. I've never seen that. If you like YouTube, you might like this? I bet it does. Maybe. I've never seen that. If you like Cheap Show, you might like this. It's like some shit. So thank you for listening to us yet again on another wonderful Cheap Show, pulling the hilarity out of austerity. Got any final words, Eli?

No. I know what I can say to you, though. What? You are not getting this teddy bear. I don't care. You are not getting this teddy bear. I don't care. You are not getting it. I might find a similar item which hasn't been rubbed on your nuts. I'll stick that one right up my sphinctery bum clog.

So what? I'll come and shit in your bed. I'll shit in your eye. I will come and shit on you. I will drug you. I will drug you and inject you with my shit I will

wait until until you're asleep and then I'll I'll fucking squirt liquid fecal up your nostrils I will wait and so you wake up

like I will wait until you are like 70 or 80 and you're in an old folks home all by yourself not quite you know compass mentis and then what I'll do is who's there is it until you are like 70 or 80 and you're in an old folks home all by yourself,

not quite, you know, compass mentis. And then what I'll do is... Who's there? Is it Paul? Is it my friend? Who's there? Is it... I will come in. Oh, someone's come in. And I will put a little pill under your tongue that is just enough poison to kill you.

Is it medicine time? Is it medicine time for Mr Silverman? And then when you've gone away, when you've passed on, I'll get out a laptop. Tell Paul I always hated his can. I'll pull out a laptop and some magazines of kiddie porn and get your flaccid penis out. Oh, come on.

And then everyone will think that's how you've done it. That's a terrible taste, Paul. So everyone will think you died a nonce. That's how I'll get my revenge, mate. That's how I'll do it. Well, you know what, Paul? Yeah? Do it. I don't care. I'll be dead.

Yeah? So who cares? Good point. I will not experience any of the shame. Right. That was a dark ending, wasn't it? Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.