CheapShow - Ep 86: Pickle Lolly

Episode Date: July 27, 2018

It's a scorcher of an episode in more ways than one! The heat is getting to Paul & Eli and tempers are rising... who will snap first? Who will lash out? Who will say something they regret?  Episode 86 is packed with quality content. Oh boy howdy, is it! We have another food package sent to the House of Pickles, stuffed with American cheap eats. One particular snack has quite the shock in store! Eli is forced to take a drugs test by Paul and leads to a sober, but utterly obvious outcome. There is also time to talk about cheap vinyl record players, in some reasonable depth actually, and see if it's worth spending your pennies on those platters! It's a nice long trip to CheapShowVille and you are invited to tolerate the whole journey... And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Hello. Hello. It's still hot in the city, isn't it? It's hot in the city tonight. No, this is not what we're doing. Tonight. Who sings that? I don't care.

You do care. Who sings that song? Hot in the city. Hot in the city tonight. I don't know. Tonight. I'm going to keep on singing it until you guess. Hot in the city guess hot in the city

hot in the city tonight tonight I'm just making noises I know good do you know who sings it though proud of yourself are you

you're looking on the internet are you for it why wouldn't I look on the internet because I could just tell you oh you know do you yeah well who sings it though? Proud of yourself, are you? You're looking on the internet, are you, for it? Why wouldn't I look on the internet? Because I could just tell you. Oh, you know, do you? Yeah. Well, who sings it?

I'm not telling you. Hot in the city tonight. I'm on the beat. You certainly are. Who sang Hot in the City? You don't know, do you? I do. His initials are B-I.

Billy Idol. Yeah. So I did know, do you? I do. His initials are B-I. Billy Idol. Yeah. So I did know, didn't I? You dirty little fucker. No, please don't do that. I'll bring me characters out. Can we just start? Can we just stop now? Alright. Last episode was fun, so let's not

have any fun in this one. Let's have no fun in this episode. Can we just start? Shall we be just chill? Hey, how are you? I'm okay Paul. Is it okay to start the episode now? Yeah, cool man, whenever. That whole bit was really bad, I think you should cut it. Yeah. Cool dude.

Talk, come on man. Shut up. Do your intro man. Cool dude, I'm chill. Hello ladies and gentlemen, it's Eli Silverman here and I'm in Canebro for another episode of the podcast you love to listen to when it's podcast to you it's Cheap Show I hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles all right it's a fact of of cheap so you're gonna have to fucking reset.

Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? The price of food is a lot cheaper than the price of the food. How's the Bitcoin? The price of the site? This is George Gallant saying hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show.

I'm not going on a nuzzle. It's the Wacky Cheap Show podcast, economy comedy podcast for your ears and it's coming right at you right now. Coming at you, coming at you like Cleopatra. Here's what we know as Mr. Grumble Pants, Paul Gannon. Hello, it's Cheap Show. How are your pants, Paul? I'm cool, dude. Are they grumble rumble? Do they grumble rumble?

I would be lying. Let me put it like this. Yeah. Grumble rumble panties? Yeah. Yeah? My pants are a little bit soggy. Grumble rumble rumble?

I'll tell you what, mate. Yeah? I'll tell you what about my pants. I don't want to know, but yeah, go on. The smell. Yeah? Oh. What about it?

Like a bad toenail. Like a rotten toenail? It smells like a rotten toenail down there. Have you gouged it? Mate, I scraped it the other day. You scraped your toenail? And there was an actual film of something. In your pantos?

Got the grumbles in the pantos. Going to look in the pantos for the grumble wounds. I can't fucking take this anymore. I can't. I can't take take this anymore. I can't. I can't take it. It's hot. It's really hot. So it's hot.

You've taken more clothes off. I'm in my vest, man. You're in your vest. Do you know what? I feel the need. The need for tweed. Yeah, but all I can see is your fucking arm hair. And your back.

Oh, don't raise your arms. Don't. Come on. Have a little. No. Oh. Oh, mate. It's redolent. Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast that talks about the findsings. Fuck it up.

The findsings? Let's talk about the findsings. Should we just make nonsense noises as it comes to that? Blip-blop, grumble, pence. Blip-blop, blip, grumble, pence with the findsings. I've come for the findsings. It's going to be a tough show, ladies and gentlemen. Let's be honest with you right, Grumble Prince. With the findings. I've come for the findings. It's going to be a tough show,

ladies and gentlemen. Let's be honest with you right now. It's been a fucking tough listen so far for them, Paul. It's been a bit rambly. I think we need to apologise. We should have, actually. For this intro. We would certainly,

on behalf of Cheap Show Inc., like to apologise for our slapdash and not very funny intro. Paul, I would just like to add to that, if I may. Sorry, everyone. Sorry. I just want to say

sorry for Paul. Because I think he needs to say sorry more, because he is more consistently shit. You know what's sad? He accepts this. He edits this, right? So it's his decision, really, to leave all that gumph and

bumpf and toilet matter in at the start. I did a perfectly good little improvisation about grumble rumble panties. No you didn't. I did.

No you fucking didn't. Oh yes I did. You just said grumble rumbles over and over. It was better than what you were doing. You say hot in the city. What's coming up?

I've had enough of this. I've had enough. What's coming up on the show? Today, Paul. Cheap eats. A vinyl special. And then we're going to play another board game.

We're not going to play another board game. Yeah, we are. Oh my God, are we? Yeah. What board game? It's called Scruples. Scruples? I have played this.

A question of scruples. This was actually quite popular, wasn't it? Got it for 50p in the charity shop. Basically, it's a jumped up version of Would You Rather, wasn't it? Got it for 50p in the charity shop. Basically, it's a jumped-up version of Would You Rather. Isn't it? Isn't it? And that's what we'll be playing. Oh, right.

Isn't it? Yeah. I'll look forward to it, Paul. That promises to be a lot of fun. Okay. No, no, we're not doing fun. We're not doing fun. This is, so far, completely on point.

This has not been fun so far. It has been fun for me. Eli's just having some of his shit coffee that he bought on a tin. It's not coffee. Oh, what is it? This is root beer, and it's bloody lovely. You don't like root beer? No Eli's just having some of his shit coffee that he bought on a tin. It's not coffee. Oh, what is it? This is root beer and it's bloody lovely. You don't like root beer?

No, you bought me shit root beer, didn't you? No, this is now. Compare and contrast, Paul. Sarsaparilla, that says. That's not root beer. No, it's root beer, though. What's the difference?

That's just what they call it. What's the difference between root beer and sarsaparilla? They're very slightly different. But this is root beer. Now, listen to that. Oh, that's nice.

In my earphones listening back, it's really fucking nice. It's all fizzy. Give that a sip and tell me it's not. All right, then. Tell me that is this. That's much nicer. This is like the world-leading brand. Oh.

That's got sweetness. A bit medicine-y, but I like it. But it keeps its fizz Doesn't it Which is important Not like the other one Which is like Fizz? What?

No I don't do that He says in the bottle Nah mate I don't fizz That's not what I do I'm not a fizzy chap It was just some terrible Don't do it

It was terrible knock off British Well I'm continuing to drink The Slopes Ale Which You really are It's not great I mean it's not. It's not great.

I mean, it's not our cup of tea. No. But it's hot and I need something cold and this is cold. Can we get on with the show? I mean, like, this is pure whiffle. Is it?

Yeah. Don't look at me like that. Like, you haven't fucked it up. You fucked it. Yeah? Yeah. Right. It's hot, mate.

I know it's hot. I'm beginning to feel the heat hot I'm beginning to feel the heat I'm beginning to feel like I haven't had a wank In like two weeks I didn't need to hear I've not been in the mood The heat's completely

Completely killed my It's killed your libido Yeah I'm glad to hear it I was going to have a wank The other day And I fell asleep That's how bad it was

That's Look forward to that For the rest of your life. No. Yes. Why? Imagine 20 years time comes downstairs,

oh, I'll have a cup of tea. He pulls it over, oh, I'll have a lovely cup of tea. Who's having this discussion? You are, you're having it with yourself.

Oh, I can walk down the stairs, yeah, have a lovely cup of tea. Why do I sound like a gangster? Because that's what you got into. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I'll make a phone call. Yeah, Jim, do into. All right, okay. Yeah, I'll make a phone call. Yeah, Jim, do it. I want it done. I want his family dead. I want his house burned to the ground. Thank you, Jim. All right, bye.

All right, I'll have a wank. That's the rest of your life. Sounds fun. Sounds like I've got power. Well, I want him dead. I want him dead. I want his family dead. Yeah, I did that.

I want his kids dead. I already did that. I want his kids, kids dead. I've already just done that bit. I want everyone dead. What want him dead. I want his family dead. Yeah, I did that. I want his kids dead. I already did that. I want his kids, kids dead. I've already just done that bit. I want everyone dead. What are you adding to this? I want a duck dead. You want a duck dead?

I want a duck dead. How are you going to duck a dead? How are you going to dick a dead duck? I want you to put... Will you dick the dead duck? I will put that duck... Will you fuck a duck when it's dead? I'll put that duck...

Will you dick it? ...in a box? Will you dick it in its... Will the box have a glory hole for you to dick the duck? Why am I going to dick a duck? I don't want to dick a duck. You make the duck dead, then you dick the duck through the glory hole in the box. I'm dicking a dead duck.

This is the worst episode we've fucking ever done. You always say that. But this is it. You refused to start the episode. Let's start it now then. All right then. All right, then. All right, then. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Oh. We're out of ideas, folks. We're out of it. We might not reach 100.

You were out of words for your mouth to say. We might not hit 100. We might be out of things to do. How reach 100. You were out of words for your mouth to say. We might not hit 100. We might run out of things to do. How many eps are we off? About 12, 15, 15, 16. I think we'll get there, Paul. Yeah.

Yeah. Beginning to wonder. Beginning to have genuine concerns. All right. But we're going to do Cheap Eats. We're doing Cheap,

Cheap, Cheap Eats right now. Let's just get on with it. Paul, it's a very special episode of Cheap Eats here because my sister, just get on with it. Paul, it's a very special episode of Cheap Eats here because my sister Jenny and her good friend Emma, who's also married to my brother Isaac, in America have sent me a special...

You don't care? No. Say that. I don't care about your family. I don't care about your family. Thank you. Eli. You did when I fucked your mum.

That didn't work. No, didn't it didn't it good I apologise Mrs Gannon it's alright she stopped listening a long time ago

right man about episode 69 funnily enough they have sent me a care package full of cheap eats from the United States of America Paul

excellent now it's like a companion piece to Alison's let's see what else because they're down in Florida and Alison's out there in she's on tour

oh she's on tour did she send the package from yep from on tour yeah so she's on the road let's see what they've

come up with and I haven't opened this yet it's over here it's exciting he's going over now to his little care package he's bringing it over oh it's all still wrapped

it's literally still wrapped do you have anything to open that with no what are we gonna fucking do then you prick to open it with i might have something all right look at this you call this enough show some respect i definitely will show some respect for that wow holy balls this has gone priority mail and you can see look it's not just me that they've addressed it to. I know. Look at this. Read what they've addressed it to.

Eli Silverman and Paul Gannon at the House of Pickles. They sent it to the House of Pickles. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That's a very, very beautiful gesture. Now, depending on how much is in here, we might split this into two. We might save it for another time. We're going to unpack this live now, Paul.

It's like an unboxing video, but without the filming bit and the level of interest involved and the excitement of seeing it as another time. We're going to unpack this live now, Paul. It's like an unboxing video, but without the filming bit and the level of interest involved and the excitement of seeing as it goes. Right, that's how the knife works. You've got to put it in the other direction and slice. He's slicing. Slicing it open. Don't want to damage anything in here. Don't want to damage it at all.

No, don't do that. Thank you very much for this, Jenny. Excellent. And let's hope there's some stuff in here that will make Paul gag. Honestly, if it's not fish, you have to eat it, Paul. All right, fair enough. Is there anything else you're allergic to?

No. So as long as this doesn't have seafood in and is food, you have to put it in your mouth. All right, fine. Although I will say when we were filming Digitizer, Mr. Biffo just basically poured prawn juice all over my fucking face.

Really? Yeah. Oh, I've got to see that. I don't want to talk about Digitizer too much because a lot of crazy shit happened and I don't want to spoil it. There's a box within a box. They've packed this extremely well. They have. And we're going to taste the goodies.

Who's having a sniff? There's a sniff coming out. There's a sniff. What are you sniffing? I don't know. I hope nothing has been too badly broken or destroyed in transit. Oh. I'm getting into this.

He's having a good old slice up. It's in a shoebox as well. It's in a shoebox and there's... Okay. You can see there in the mail, it did get quite badly deformed, one corner of this. I don't think it's going to have a massive effect too much. No, I think it's a lovely red box with a kind of shimmery...

Metallic red stripes. Yeah, it's nice. Here we go. Here we go. We're in. Here we go. Shall we just take these out? Let's see how many there are first.

And if there is a load, we'll separate them up. I'll take them out and then we'll describe them briefly as I take each item out. Okay, cool. Combo. Something we've tried on the show before. These are baked snacks, but these are buffalo blue cheese pretzel flavour. I think we might have done those already, though. We did do the blue cheese ones.

We did do blue cheese, though. This is buffalo blue cheese, though. Well, we'll test them anyway. So there we go. Oh, they look nice. Oh, look. Ding-dongs. These are peanut butter, hostess peanut butter ding-dongs.

These are fudge-covered peanut butter cake with peanut butter creamy filling. Right. Bosh. Blau. What's next? Lasco soy food drink, creamy malt malter. Just add water. Mate.

Creamy malt. I've got two of those. That's an episode down the line thing. I'm not doing that today on a hot day. On a hot day, do I want a creamy warm drink? You do. Pour my sister's creamy milk down your fucking throat. No.

It's a powder. I'm going to say... They've also got a peanut butter version of that. Let's go. Mike, this is definitely a later on down the line episode. Oh, my God. He's having a moment. Oh, my God.

What is it? Enjoy frozen or unfrozen. Unfrozen today, Paul. It's going to have to be. What is it? These are pickle pops. These are pickle water ice lollies. And you're going to have one.

Yes, you are. You're going to have one not frozen. You're just going to drink some pickle water in your mouth. You can squeeze your pickle water. And I've got, look at this. For the sauce tray. She sent me for the... Mound.

It's a fucking sauce mound mate whatever it's a sauce valley got lovely some jam in there and tangy barbecue from McDonald's

well that's for you I'm not interested oh you're so fucking poo poo everything this isn't a fun episode this is the grumpy episode honey bun

iced it's a honey bun great value honey bun we've got a minute mug cake mix we'll have to do that we haven't got a microwave though

well we'll do it some other time it's organic that alright well that's another time episode right that's good sweet heat skittles oh what does that mean

chili skittles oh right we're doing that that goes in this pile that's cool fruity flavours with a spicy kick Oh, what does that mean? Chili Skittles. Oh, right. We're doing that. That goes in this pile. That's cool. Fruity flavours with a spicy kick. Now, I think there's something you want, Paul, because there have been some rumours going around. Yeah.

Drug test. Marijuana drug test. 98% accurate. Results in five minutes. Yeah, we're doing that right now. Yeah? Yeah. Who do you think is going to have more marijuana in their system? I don't know. It's going to be me. Accurate. Results in five minutes. Yeah, we're doing that right now. Yeah? Yeah.

Who do you think is going to have more marijuana in their system? I don't know. It's going to be me. And then authentic Thai iced tea. Place one tea bag, hot water, two to three minutes, drain, add sweetener, let cool. Okay. So we could come back to that at the end? Yeah, let's have a look.

See how much time it takes. Let's see now. Let's make a decision about what we're going to taste today. Okay, so the minute mug we're going to taste today. Okay, so that, the minute mug we can't do until later. We'll do that some other time. Sources, I have no care about in jams.

My sauce valley, thank you very much. Honey bun. Let's taste that today. No, that's another episode. No, let's taste the honey bun. All right, well then we've got too much stuff here.

We're going to have to put the ding-dongs in for later then. No, let's have this. Well, then we'll do the iced tea another time then. All right. All right. Now what we've got on the, we've got items on the table. We're going to have to put the ding-dongs in for later, though. No, let's have this. Well, then we'll do the iced tea another time, then. All right. All right? Now, what we've got on the...

We've got items on the table. We've got... We've got all five of these. And we're going to take a drug test. We should probably do that now, so we can find out... We'll do the drug test? We may as well. What do I have to do?

We? Let's find out. This is a assured at-home marijuana drug test. 98% accurate. One test. It's one test. All the instructions are actually on the inside of the box. I've got to tear it apart to open it.

Well, I just pieced it in this bag, yeah? No, I don't know what it says yet, do I? I've got a bit of a little one I could do. Right. Collect urine in a clean cup. Okay. Remove the test strip from a sealed pouch. Okay.

Immerse the strip into the urine with the arrow pointing towards the urine. I don't know why I keep saying urine. Take the strip out after a minimum of 10 to 15 seconds and lay on a flat strip on a clean dry non-absorbent surface such as the box or a pouch results in five minutes and what does it say positive plus a rose pink band is visible in the control c region are we doing this now do you want to do it now give me a little cup we need to have some pissing Are we doing this now? Do you want to do it now? Give me a little cup. We need to have some. You can piss in. What are we going to do about you pissing?

Can you actually piss? I've got a piss ready. Just give me a mug. I'll wash it. Go on. I'm going to piss in the... You can piss in my pot noodle mug. Call back to the last episode.

Pot noodle. I've got to give it a quick rinse. Give it a rinse because you don't want any contaminants. I'm going to keep recording, but let's just take a pause while you do a piss. Okay. Alright? So if you piss in there and then put it in, it will come back in five minutes. And just leave it in the piss for five minutes?

I think that's what it says. We're just doing a piss test, hang on. Crack it in a cup, remove the test strip. Have you got the test? No. Where did you put it? In here. it in a cup, remove the test strip. Have you got the test? No. Where did you put it? In the end. In the end, I leave it in for five minutes or take it out quickly and just leave it on the side for five minutes? Take the strip out after five minutes and then lay

the strip on a flat surface like a pot. You need to start timing. Eli is now taking a piss into my pot noodle cup which I will shall be definitely cleaning out after this experiment but we're gonna do it a drugs test I'm handing him the piss strip now green tip and you dip that in for 10 seconds. You're ready to dip. Yeah. You take it out. Yeah, you just put it in like that and hold it in there for 10 seconds. Literally like that. Yeah. Put it on top of that box and then pull the piss away and we'll clean it out.

So I've done the wee and I've dunked my dipping stick into the wee wee and it's ready. It's sitting there and we're going to have to just wait, Paul. I'm going to put time on for about four minutes, I reckon, because it's been about a minute, hasn't it? So let's do that.

Setting the timer now. Okay, the timer's done. In four minutes, it'll go pip, pip, pip, pip, pip, and then we'll check on your piss. Okay, and we'll know whether I've been using marijuana. Well, hopefully it will show a clean bill. Why? Because will I get fired otherwise?

Yeah, I'm going to fire you from Cheap Show. If you fail this drugs test. Really? If it comes positive, I'm firing you, Eli Silverman, as a dirty druggie. Who's going to replace me? Ash is going to come in. And I'll dress Ash like you. And I'll go, here's a wig and here's a beard.

And you'll follow him around. And he looks just like Eli. Go on. Grow your hair. Tell me to fuck off. Go on. Oh, yeah. like you and I'll go here's a wig and here's a beard and here's a vest and you like follow him around and I'll be like he looks just like Eli go on grow your hair tell me to fuck off go on oh yeah

and then we do wank and he'll be like fuck off no do it differently where will you wank in my pants I'll reach down in your pants

I'll put my hat down and I'll go and I'll go jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle nasty and he'll feel bad

crusty scoops yeah and I'll be like I miss Eli I don't know cry just like to mention I've got for the sauce tray I've had some items here

for the sauce tray oh god smuckers look jam little jams I know they're nice aren't they nice jam

put that on toast yeah I like jam and it's got tangy barbecue now is that different to normal barbecue I don't know it it's got tangy barbecue. Now, is that different than normal barbecue? I don't know. It's McDonald's tangy barbecue. It's fine.

I don't care. Listen, do you care about anything, Paul? Yeah. What? Life. You care about life? Love. I hope this thing goes off.

I want to know if I'm on drugs or not. All right, let's start eating food. We're not doing those. Put those back. We're going to do these three. We need to eat at least one of these. Ding dong. You're going to have a ding dong. Yeah, we're going to have a ding dong. to eat at least one of these Ding dong We're going to have a ding dong

Let's get the ding dong done first We're going to have a ding dong and also we're going to taste a cake Right so ding dong peanut butter flavour By Hostess made with real peanut butter A fudge covered peanut butter cake With peanut creamy filling But is it too rich and creamy Now Hostess famously

Make the Twinkie they make the Twinkie so this is proper here you go and it's like a little round it looks a bit like a wagon wheel doesn't it

it's got a little wagon wheel it's a little cake in it though little crumbly cake oh my god I'm going to have an eat now here we go it's actually quite nice isn't it

for what it is yeah that's a nice little snack. Quite cloying, but it doesn't have that super sickly sweetness. No, it's not. It's not sickly sweet. I thought it was going to be really... Yeah, but I thought it was going to be much worse than this.

This is actually quite subtle. Yeah, quite nice. All right, all of it. I would prefer that to like a Reese's Pieces. It's more cakey, isn't it? Yeah, I think the cake offsets the peanut butter nicely. Nicer. So it's not too heavy, but you get the flavour.

Not too cloying, yeah. Oh, that's nice. I will... Did you thought that was nice? Yeah, I thought it was quite nice. I don't know if I'd buy a load of them, but right now, nice. Very sweet. Very sweet.

That's giving me a little boost. I'm ready to go. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're ready to go. Lovely. Seven. Seven? I'll say seven.

I'll agree. Seven's fine for that. God, this piss test is taking... I don't think I can concentrate. The piss test is taking too long. There's a lot on the line here. But we've got 40 seconds to go. So I will say this.

Before we go any further, we are doing the pickle next because I want to get that fucking dong with me I don't want that I'll just read the back of the pickle pickle pops now these are

to turn into pickle lollies can you do it without your mouth full of fucking ding dong get that ding dong out of your mouth I'll do what I like with my ding dong

in my mouth get your dirty ding dong out what have you got oh he's chewing those ding dongs are evil yeah they are but they're nice we both ate our ding dongs I'm going to get you a dirty ding-dong hat. What have you got? Oh, he's chewing. Those ding-dongs are evil. Yeah, they are, but they're nice. We both ate our ding-dongs, and it was delightful.

Strangely enough, they're sponsors of the MS Society, who are the people who make these pickle... Oh, that's it, the piss test. Right, we'll get back to that. I'm going to bring it in. I'm going to bring my pissy dipping stick in here. And the box as well, because that's got the results on it. Because we've been resting the dipping stick on the box, a nice non-absorbent platform to put it on.

So we've just got to wait now for the results to come back. The results are written on it, so hopefully we can come up with a conclusive result here. Hopefully I can fire Eli. I look forward to doing so. results are written on it so hopefully we can come up with a conclusive result here and hopefully i can fire eli i look forward to doing so now what's it say where's that c level i don't understand that's that where the green bit is okay right well what does it look like on your little stick this box smells of piss just so you know It has had my piss on it. It's got one little pink line at the top. So, positive.

A rose pink band is visible in the control C region. No other colour band appears. It indicates a positive result for the corresponding drug of that specific test zone. Eli Silverman, you have got marijuana

in your system. I can't believe it. I can't believe it, Governor. Also, I have now got your piss on my thumbs. Nice. Because it dribbled off the box. Lick it. Lick it off. Oh, he almost did. He almost did. I nearly did.

He nearly drank my wee-wee. He nearly drank my wee-wee. Paul has seen my wee-wee. Paul has seen my wee-wee. Right, I've dribbled it off. Right, I'd just like to say Paul in all seriousness

I never touch drugs and I never go near them and it must be just some latent environmental background skunk because you can smell it

people smoke it all over the place now Paul and you know I live in London and it all comes near me and I haven't

touched it governor Eli I do not do drugs governor or booze cheap show no that was a step too far i would have either you don't know i never wag you don't you don't you fall asleep you cunt i i i go oh ow you're so hot though last night oh i can't wag i don't want excuses paul as As a representative of Cheap Show Inc.,

we have a strictly zero tolerance on drugs. Anyone caught smoking or using drugs on the podcast will be fired with immediate effect. Well, that's it. Then I guess that's what it's come to, Paul. I think you should possibly leave the show right now. I'll leave it. Just do that.

I would like a formal apology from you. You will not be getting a reference for any other podcast. If you're firing me, I know. I'm sorry to come to this. I don't have to do anything for you. I can just sort of. Go on. Just go.

Go on. Do you want me to? I want you to go. Why? Because I'm. It's been nice. It's been a really rewarding 80 or so episodes, but unfortunately,

fortunately, we can't bend the rules for anyone, even you. And that's it, is it? That's it. But you didn't even know that I'd be doing a marijuana test until I opened the box.

I know, but unfortunately, you could have resisted the test. How would I do that? Say, I don't want to do it. You should have done it. You should have done it. I could have done it. And I would have definitely been fired.

Well, do you know what, Paul? I have to come clean now. And I was scared that I might fail the test. So I bought a child's piss on the way in. Yeah. And the kid fucked me over, obviously. You know what the problem with that logic is? Literally a minute ago, you said,

I didn't know there was a urine test. Well, that was a lie. I was just trying to do the show. You didn't know, though, because it was sealed. So this is all fake. If you look now, there's a little spy hole. No, you're fucking... There's a spy hole here, and I've looked in,

and I brought some kids piss, and there's nothing you can do. I'll go get him. His name was Little Johnny. Is that the best you can fucking go up with? Little Johnny? He was on the corner. Little Johnny on the corner.

Little child that you made urinate. Hello. Want to buy some piss, mister? Hello. Ooh, I've got all kinds of piss. I've got clean piss, dirty piss. So let me get this straight. You didn't know there was a drugs test on the show.

You, of your own will, bought piss off a small child on the street I sometimes do and it was tainted is that against the law it should be I'll kill that little Johnny

old Johnny look Eli now you can come back onto the show yes can I under what conditions oh you know

what the conditions are I have to lick your balls wet you have to put your fingers on my perineum and read out a little script I'll write for you. What's the script say? It says Dear Mr Paul Gannon

Dear Mr Paul Gannon. No, you've got to rub my taint. Just imagine I'm doing it. They can't hear it. Alright. He's putting his fingers on my taint. Repeat after me. Alright. I, Eli Silverman I, Eli Silverman, have been a very naughty boy. Have been a very naughty boy.

Have been a very naughty boy. By rubbing the perineum of plenty, By rubbing the perineum of plenty, I wash myself of all my sins.

I wash myself of all my sins. Holy Father, God of grace, Holy, hang on, this is actually weird. Hang on.

Holy Father, God of grace, why don't you shut up in your face? Right, here we go. Let's go with pickle pops. Well done. Now, I'm afraid this piss test is going to have to sit there. It's going to just sit there on the table.

Yes. Next to the ding dong. Next to the ding dong packet. Right. Now, that isn't admissible in a court of law. You seem to know that. I'm opening this. They are pickle pops and they sponsor the MS Society.

Open up the pickle pouch. Pickle pouch open. God, come on. Now, I'll read you what it says on the back of these, Paul. Yeah. Bob's Pickle Pops were created for athletes and kids of all ages. Strange combo, isn't it? What do sports people like?

Pickle. I don't know why is that. Very weird. Very strange. Are you an athlete in need of a competitive advantage? Question mark. Do you want a pickle juice? Here we go.

Are cramps a problem? Question mark. Yeah. Try our pickle flavoured juice chilled, frozen or unfrozen. We're going for the latter. Yeah, I know. Pickle pops are also a great no-sugar-added and gluten-free treat for the kids. No, they're not.

We'd love to hear from you. No, they're not. I think what they're getting at... No kid has ever said, Oh, can I have a pickle pop, mummy? I would. You're an idiot. I'm not an idiot.

I just don't like pickle pops. You have no taste. You don't even like... You've made that... Come on. Listen, you don't even like gherkins, do you? I like gherkins. Well, why don't you like... They come in juice. Don't you like the juice? What, you like... You've made that... Come on. Listen, you don't even like gherkins, do you? I like gherkins. Well, why don't you like...

They come in juice. Don't you like the juice? What, you like... If you had... What? If there was like... Yeah, as an extra flavour in amongst the other flavours on a burger, for instance, or in amongst a salad, that's fine.

A whole... You put gherkin in salad? Weirdo. I'm just saying. Weirdo. No. Oh, sorry. You've never eaten a salad?

You haven't eaten a salad in 12 years? I ate a salad last week. Your secret weird... Oh, last week. Yeah. When did you last eat a salad? You're a secret weird eater. When did you last eat a salad?

Today. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. When? On the train. You salad-lying twat. Mate, this has got the ultimate pickle scent coming off it. Oh, sniff.

The bag whiff is 100% lovely. Oh, that is pure memories of those scratch and sniff gherkin stickers I had bought from Brent Cross as a child. Oh, smell that shit and sup it up, Paul. It's lovely. Oh, yeah. You're going to have to drink one of these. They're horrible.

Here, I've got one out. Can we share one? So we'd have to open two. Yeah, yeah. Because I don't want to put... It's got a stupid fucking pickle character on the front. Yeah. With a stupid fucking baseball cap on. He's an American pickle.

He's an all-American pickle. I'm an all-American pickle called Pickle Bob. Now, I think the reason it's for athletes is because it's a lot of minerals and it's lots of salt and that's what they need

for the cramps. Lay down the pops flat for even freezing. I will be making these into ice pops. I'm sure you will. But just for the purposes of the show, Paul,

we're going to have a little taste. Okay? What a horrible concept for a juice drink. Now I'm having a... Now I think you're going to have to open your own. No, pour it into my cup.

I'm going in. I'm going to have a little... I don't want this. Oh, that's quite tart. Mate, I don't want this. It's quite tart. Hang on. Oh, that's lovely.

That really does taste like the water from pickles. Just put a little bit in this cup. Oh, it looks like your piss. It does look exactly like my piss. I wonder if that would pass the marijuana test. Oh, I don't want it. Drink it all down and tell me what it tastes like. All of it?

Yeah. Just shoot that. Oh, my God. Paul. Thanks. Paul, that's fine. It's fine. It's pickle water You like pickles

It's so intense though What was intense? Describe it The flavour's really pickle heavy Yeah It's like Dough I love that

Mate I like I like a pickle That's so good In a burger or something like that But In a That's tart In a ke. Oh, that's so good. In a burger or something like that. Or in a... Oh, that's tart.

In a kebab or whatever. Oh, that's dilly. Oh, that is super fucking hard. That's super tart and dilly. I'm getting tartness. I'm getting a dill flavour. Mate, that's super intense. Oh, that's lovely.

It's salty. Oh. Oh. Right. Can we move on? Because that was fucking horrible. Now, we need a mark out of ten from you for that, Paul. One.

Really? I didn't like it. Because there's no pleasure in me having a pickle drink. There's no pleasure in me having a frozen pickled ice. There's no pleasure in pickle. I've said it. There's no pleasure in pickle. Ten.

Ten. Ten. This is the difference between you and me, though, isn't it? Well, I like... I have taste. No. You're like some little mealy mouth. I don't like the idea of pickles. Oh, I only want the white between you and me. Well, I like... I have taste. No. But you're like some little mealy mouth. I don't like the idea of pickles.

Oh, I only want the white bread. Next item. I only like eating things that aren't food. I eat paper by myself in the white room. Right, we're doing Skittles next. Skittles. Share size. Sweet heat.

Fruity flavours with a spicy kick. Now, these are a big trend now, aren't they? I don't know. Chili sweets. They seem to be a big trend now, aren't they? I don't know. Chili sweets. They seem to be a big trend. We had that from Allison's haul. We had the chili popcorn, chili caramel popcorn. Yeah.

We had that one that tasted of ass that was like a chili lollipop. So here we go. Does it say the flavors on the back? Yes, they do. They have yellow, which is called lemon spark, sizzle strawberry, fiery watermelon, flaming orange, or blazing mango. Okay. So I'm just going to pour a few of these out.

I'm going to have a lemon. See if I can find them. Lemon. Here we go. Tastes like a normal lemon skittle. Yeah. And then there's the heat. There is some heat.

Not much on that one. I'm going to try a strawberry. Feel the heat coming through. A little heat. There is some heat. Not much on that one. I'm going to try a strawberry. Mmm. You feel the heat coming through? A little bit. There is there. Sorry, an orange. That heat builds up.

Mmm. Quite nice, aren't they? They're very nice. The heat doesn't really matter much when you're eating them, though. Well, I can feel it. Like a normal Skittle flavour, but then just a background heat. That little kind of tingly warmth. Yeah. Which is quite nice.

I think that's quite a successful combination. Yeah, I agree. Of a sweet with the heat. I thought it was going to be much more intense, but actually it's subtle enough that it's not overpowering. Also, it hasn't got, because a lot of chilli flavour has a sort of, too much of a flavour profile of its own, which interferes, which is a sort of spicy

like that kind of taste of Mexican food, that kind of spicy taste, do you know what I mean? Here they seem to have just isolated just a bit of the warmth the heat from it, do you know what I mean? I think the watermelon one's the best It's got the most heat to it Which one's the watermelon one? The kind of dark red

I like watermelon flavour Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Depends. Like a Jolly Rancher one or... Love it. But sometimes lollipops with a watermelon flavour are really quite horrible. My tongue still hurts from biting it last time. Well, I think that's my favourite item in this Cheap Eats so far.

I like them. Yeah. Eight. Eight for you. I'll give them an eight as well. Very nice. All right, cool. We agree.

Spicy Skittles, thumbs up. Okay. And now to end this segment, the combos. Buffalo blue cheese pretzel. Now, blue cheese is, in this country, it tends to come in posh meals after you've eaten on a tray. Yes. And do you enjoy that kind of blue cheese, Paul?

You do not because you're a cat who doesn't like anything. See, you're just a presumptuous little fuckstick, aren't you? You say it now. Oh, I like it. I do. You you I like blue cheese who doesn't like anything see you're just presumptuous little fuckstick aren't you you say it now I like it I do you said you like pickles proved today you didn't like it

I like a little bit of pickle not an intensive fucking shot of it have a shot of pickle juice and enjoy it

I'd rather guzzle cum than have that again really yeah genuinely I'd rather drink that what the dog beer no right no I wouldn't have the dog beer over Yeah. Genuinely. What, the dog beer? No. Right. No, I wouldn't have the dog beer

over that. You'd have the pickle over the dog beer? No. I don't know. You'd have to choose one. If I had to choose one, then yeah, the pickle. Because the dog beer made me bring up the lining of my stomach. It really went bad. And it was awful. I thought you were going to pick just then when you had the pickle, mate. No, it was just intense. It was really just...

It's very tart. Like being shotgunned. I'm going to be freezing those up. Yeah, well... And enjoying them. Anyway, buffalo blue cheese. I do like them pretzels. Crunchy oven-baked pretzels with a spicy buffalo blue cheese flavoured filling. Greatly perfect hunger management snack.

Now, you see these combos all over America. In the airports, they... And they really do last. Now, I fucking love these kind of things. I'm hoping these are good. Here we go. Oh. Oh.

Those are evil good. Oh, God. Those are evil good. These are fantastic. That's the best combo I've had. We didn't have these ones before. I'm sure we did. No.

We definitely had these before. And I'm sure they were buffalo. They were combos, but before. I'm sure we did. No. We definitely had these before and I'm sure they were buffalo. We had combos but they were jalapeno and something. No. I'm pretty sure they were the same ones.

It wasn't this combo. Or maybe it was ranch. These are buffalo wing and blue cheese. Maybe we had ranch dressing ones. Mate, these are doing it hard. Oh,

these are fucking wicked. These are banging your missus up against a fucking post. Same. You're much better than Paul is in bed. wicked. And he's a banging your missus up against a fucking post. Saying, you're much better than Paul is in bed. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm watching, crying, going, I can't satisfy you like this crisp satisfies my wife. You just hear the bones. All right, mate.

Smack it out. All right. Maybe she loves me. No one could love you after they've been fucked as hard as these combos. All right. Oh, they're a delight. They're a tasty, tasty, tasty combo. Now, I've had combos before which I've enjoyed, but that, I have to say, is my favourite.

Got a proper spiciness. The blue cheese doesn't overwhelm it. No. It's just a nice combo of flavours. That's what they're going for. But how evil are they? They're evil. And do you are they? They're evil. And do you know what? They're sponsored by NASCAR.

So they are like... Oh. This is hillbilly food. It's a man's meal. Yeah, it's a hillbilly food. It's a redneck snack. Hooey. We're going to eat some

calm bowls and go on down and watch the goddamn NASCAR. Boo hoo. Body boy. We're going to go do this. Body boy? You know... Who's that body boy you're talking about? Body boy. We're going to go do this. Body boy? You know it really well.

Who's that body boy you're talking about? Body boy's going to come down here. Who? Body boy come down here? Come on down here and we're going to have a mighty good time. I don't want to see body boy down here. Come on, bring those combos, baby. I told body boy last time he bit the tip of my knife.

Don't do that. Paul just had another spit. Paul was trying to drink water and I made him laugh. So don't ever let him say that

it doesn't find me funny. He does. I've spurted that everywhere. I need a score, Paul. Ten. You're really going to

go that high. I'll say nine. I love that stuff. So the winner, the winners today, we thought that the peanut flavoured ding dongs, yeah, satisfying, but not great. No, right.

Then we had the piss test. Did you have a suck on that? Suck on my twizzle stick. Suck on my dick flossing stick, you dirty bastard. I'm high on marijuana. Oh, yeah. I am so on marijuana oh yeah I'm so on marijuana Skittles great

combos great pickle pops horrible horrible horrible that's your opinion it's my opinion

let's just say thank you very much Jenny and Emma for sending those and we will be getting round to the others we've got some malt drinks we maybe wait

till it's a bit cooler maybe and an iced tea pack which I just fucking love to the others. We've got some malt drinks. We maybe wait till it's a bit cooler to have those. And an iced tea pack, which I just fucking love. Right. This has been successful. Right then. We look forward to eating

the rest of them at a later date. I'm still eating. This is lovely. What else we got, Paul? Got loads of stuff coming up on the show, like what?

Yeah, we're going to go vinyl crazy next. Oh, yeah. Let's do it. Okay, then. Now, on Cheap Show it's time for a very special edition

of Silverman's Platters. Today I've brought some unusual records and this is what we do on Silverman's Platters. We listen to We do indeed.

Unusual tunes novelty records but comedy records yes children's records delightful bizarre anomalies.

With strange combinations of all those categories I just mentioned, Paul. Yes. We just want it to be weird. Self-help records. Yeah, whatever. Strange workout records. Things off the beaten track. Things off the...

I'm just not going to repeat what you just said. Well, then why don't then? Well, just... Be more original then. You hack. Ooh. All right then. Yeah, come on. Records. Why don't then? Be more original then. You hack. Oh, all right then.

Yeah, come on. Records? All kinds of records. But we thought we'd actually talk about, though, cheap vinyl players at the same time. So there are a lot of channels on YouTube you can go to for more informative and interesting and in-depth analysis of cheap vinyl plays. But there's a trend of late, isn't there, Eli, informative and interesting and in-depth analysis of cheap vinyl plays.

But there's a trend of late, isn't there, Eli, of these portable suitcase-style vinyl players. And they were originally, I think, the original ones were Crosby's. Yeah. And those were... Because of the whole vinyl resurgence, which has happened, which steadily seems to have happened over the last seven or eight years. Why do you think that is? It's quite simple, Paul.

I know you're giving me an authoritative answer, but that little look you gave me was like, I'm going to shit in your mouth, mate, for that. I do that when you're asleep. You're very derisive. I do that when you're asleep. You do a lot of things to me in my sleep, I've noticed. No, Paul.

Your whole insult seems to be, I do that when you sleep. Yeah, well, it's terrifying for you. It very clever, is it? It's terrifying for you. It's not, because I know you don't do it. Because you don't know what I'm doing. You don't do anything, though. I cut your toenails when you're asleep. You don't, because I bite my toenails.

So there you go. And I nibble them, and I bite them, and then I chew them. Yes, because you've got pica. Yeah, and I eat them. Don't eat. Eat. And then you try and tell me about food. Yeah. Just, you can't. I eat them. Don't eat. Eat. And then you try and tell me about food. Yeah.

Just you can't. I eat myself. How natural is that? Yeah. Not a drop of me is wasted on me. The vinyl resurgence. Piss, spunk, poos, I use it all. All right, Paul.

Yeah. Okay. I collect it in a big bucket. I'm trying to clear it. And I stare it with my mucky spoon. And then what does it turn into? A sort of golem of you? Does it come alive?

No. I'm the snot and piss version of Paul. I'm coming out. Kill me, please, because my whole existence is pain. I simply... But first, can I crawl on you and you're leaving the mucky patch

of wet little squashy puddles everywhere. Here I am. I'm the golem. I'm made of Paul's fingernails. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You can stop now. You can stop now. I haven't got blood.

It's all Paul's spunk crawling through my veins and made of his skin. He's all mixed up. You started this. I'm all mixed up. No, I didn't say. Let's have Eli do a character based on my mucky effluence in a bucket coming to life. I'm his mucky

effluence, Golan, when I come at night. I'm squelching all along the floor, Paul. So, the vinyl resurgence. Yes. Because we've moved into a post-physical format era. True.

So everyone can download a song to their smartphones, but for the true music head, they'll want to get it on vinyl. Well, I think because vinyl is the most nostalgic of all the formats. True. And that's why it's a resurgence because vinyl is the most nostalgic of all the formats. True.

And that's why it's a resurgence. Because millennials are like, what's all this stuff? And then they've realised there was this whole world of music formats which were physical objects. Yeah. But now they're not. It's not. And so it's very fascinating to people of a certain age who grew up in a world without any musical formats. To see something like vinyl

and go and so I think that has boosted it it has this sort of coolness retro coolness right okay and

also riding on the tide of that there has been a lot of sort of middle aged guys who were like oh it's a bit of a sort of midlife crisis

midlife crisis they're like oh I remember listening to Dire Straits on lp when it came out i wonder i still got it and it goes in the attic still got it oh i wonder if that's worth anything oh i could play it yes yeah so there's definitely different things that are causing the vinyl resurgence and people go on about it but you have to remember in terms of actual overall sales of vinyl it's been growing yeah for the last seven years but it's never

going to be at peak height in the 70s and 80s. It's nowhere near what they were selling. But it's still nice that the format still lives. I'm glad because I collect them. Yeah. So in conjunction with that there was what we call these suitcase portable players which were cheap

players that they bought out just to ride the tide of this and so people could pick it up. A lot of it a gift. They were in urban outfitters a lot and they're generally fucking shit they are now the reason why i bring this up is because i went to b&m a few weeks ago and i saw this in tempo suitcasey record player thing with inbuilt uh bluetooth and it was 15 quid down from 70 inbuilt Bluetooth, and it was 15 quid down from 70. So I thought, wow, 15 quid? Yeah.

I mean, that's what you'd want to pay. 70 quid for that. Originally, when it comes out, I think it's 70 quid. But that's the thing, isn't it? It's like, for 15 quid, I think that's a fucking bargain, and I'm glad I got it. And I have to say, I quite like the minimal design on it as well. It's got none of these sort of cheesy retro sort of wallpaper. You know the way that they try and market them.

They make them look 50s. This just looks like what it is, a very basic suitcase record player. And I think I like that. It's fine for what it is. As I say, 15 quid, maybe 30. I'd say that's worth its money. Any more than that, and I think you're not going to get more out of it. You're better off saving a bit more money and getting something decent.

And the problem is, with these cheap players people go oh vinyl that's great and everyone says that vinyl sounds so much better you know they go on about the warmth of the tone and everything then they get these home put it in it comes through the shitty little speaker crappy little yeah style and they think that sounds like awful because it does yeah and so it's going to turn people off collecting records or make them think that they haven't got a value that they do the sound value that they do exactly and that's the interesting thing as well is that when you plug this into an external speaker i think it sounds fine i think it's much better than it sounds richer and it's great coming out an external

speaker is what you mean what did i say internal bollocks it's got internal speakers built in their problem and they're the problem no volume and they're terrible. They're terrible. But you lent me the Vestax. Vestax. Vestax, sorry. Handy tracks. Now, what makes this better than that though?

This, I believe, came out in the 90s and it's Vestax. They also do sort of turntables for DJs and stuff and mixers and stuff. This came out as a portable that they're in the 90s

and it's just better. But why? Tell me what you're getting because when this came out, how much was it originally? I think around the 70, 80 quid mark. Okay. Yeah.

That's really good because I've seen these on eBay for about 50 pound. Yeah, because they're old now. They're sort of secondhand now. Yeah. Okay. And this you can get for about 80.

You can still, they still sell these for 80 quid. Well, let's just say you can get these types for around 70 quid let's be fair and say around 70 quid you can get this now okay i will say this as well um there's a guy at work and he bought something like this like the in tempo suitcase yeah just but but he's got one and he got one by a company called um accelerate and when you look at it it's not too dissimilar. Right.

And this was how much was this one? I don't know how much that cost but I'm going to go ahead and say that was like 50 odd quid. The cartridge and stuff is exactly the same.

Yeah. And interestingly that came with a spare and this one didn't when I bought it. Yes. Which is a problem because as you say

the stylus is often the biggest problem. Now what I've heard with these cheap suitcase ones is they usually come with a spare, but the spare is actually slightly better. Yeah. It's actually a one-step up sort of thing.

Yeah, because what's the one that they leave it with? It's not diamond, is it? It's a ceramic. A ceramic. And they're bad because they're what, harsher? Just not very good, yeah. It's a brittle, it's just a cheap piece of shit. But they seem, this and that,

this Accelerate one and the Intempo one, seem to be very similar. There's a few aesthet of shit. But they seem, this and that, this Accelerate one and the Intempo one, seem to be very similar. There's a few aesthetical differences. They are. Now look, if you open the handy tracks up, please, Paul. Which I will. Now we can see the difference in quality here already because, did this come with a slip mat?

No. No slip mat? No. See, there you go. That's already a point. Yeah. Isn't it? Because a point yeah isn't it because I think

that isn't span on a belt is it it's probably an engine they're both direct drive direct drive

that's what I was looking for thank you yeah they don't have belts but which is good because that means

there's no belt to perish there's no spare parts you have to worry about yeah that's going to be better but look

yeah it's all bouncy it's on some kind of spring the whole thing which is going to pick up vibrations isn't it meant to reduce them though isn't that the whole point of the spring yeah but it's all bouncy. It's on some kind of spring, the whole thing, which is going to pick up vibrations.

Isn't it meant to reduce them, though? Isn't that the whole point of the spring? Yeah, but it's also going to pick them up. Okay, but this one... Is solid. It's solid as a rock. Much more solid, the Vestax. The Vestax.

Now, if you look at the dials that the Vestax has on it, it's got volume there, and it's got three speeds. Yeah. Yeah, it's got the 78 speed there, as well as the 33.5 and the 45. Yeah. That has three speeds as well, though. It's got three speeds. Yeah. Yeah, it's got the 78 speed there, as well as the 33 and a half and the 45. Yeah. That has three speeds as well, though.

It's got all three. Yeah. And it's just got volume, but that also has... Tone. And pitch. Yeah. So you can speed it up, slow it down.

Yeah. And tone is sort of... It's like a basic EQ. It's to make it bassy or... I mean, if you're going to get a dirt cheap vinyl player, and you've got a little bit of money it's worth going on to eBay and getting one of these the best acts

handy tracks definitely because this is the kind of model that DJs would go in when they're going crate digging bring it in because you can put it on batteries in it

yeah and just have it there and just listen to records as you're flicking through them in the shop now you can do that with the Intempo one it's got an internal battery

and you can charge it and take it anywhere you look like an idiot doing that that's a bit see this is subtle and it's small and's got an internal battery and you can charge it and take it anywhere. You look like an idiot doing that. That's a bit... See, this is subtle and it's small and it's kind of trendy.

And it's more sleek, isn't it? Oh, it's a beautiful thing, the Vestax. It's actually got a nice finish. It's a really beautiful thing. The speaker's nowhere, you know, just as probably as shit

as that one. Yeah, again, it's got a built-in speaker. These are sort of a lesser version of the Vestax, aren't they? But the Vestax has more controllability.

It's got pitch, it's got tone three speeds volume and has one thing it doesn't have because of when it was made really

is this bluetooth button that you've got on the but the thing about the bluetooth is it's shit because all that means is that I can send music from my phone to the shitty speakers

on that to play out yeah I mean if it was the other way around where it's like you can bluetooth the music from a vinyl into your speakers in the house,

you'd think, decent. Yeah, they do have record players that do that. And I told you, there's one for 35 in my local charity shop.

Really? Yeah. Same kind of like that? No, no, it's a step up. It's a proper one. That's good. 35 is an ION one.

Oh, ION any good? ION is kind of the brand that I knew from the Maplans. Yeah, that's right. There For a lot of technology Maybe could

Knock them down A few quid Might be alright Wouldn't it It'd be better than You know I mean the thing is I got this just so

I could play a few tracks When I find vinyl Out and about Yes And because it's quite nice As you may know I've bought a few vinyls Yes

So but before we move on Are we going to do A sound test With these two The thing... Are we going to do a sound test with these two? The thing is is that it's hard to do a sound test with this because by the time

I process it through the speaker and by the time I process the actual podcast itself you're not going to hear any difference. Yeah, but we could say what we think.

Yeah, we could. We'll just play a few minutes of the same song. Alright, well then let's... A few seconds. Let's do this. So let's... Do you want to start

with the good one or the bad one? The bad one. Alright, so unplug the speakers from the back of the in-tempo, because we're going to do it internal, alright? Because I think that's how you have to judge this. Otherwise they're going to sound the same coming from that external speaker I've got plugged in right now.

Yeah, definitely. Let's have it up. So this is playing the in-tempo right now. This is the suitcase one. Doesn't sound very good. Tinny. Very tinny, no bass. You can't fiddle with it.

No. All right, we've had enough of that. That's enough. The other feature that the Vestax has that we didn't mention is a kill switch. So you've got that thing that it rests on, that the tone arm rests on, that actually stops it. This doesn't have that. It does, because when you pick it up off the latch, it turns on and off. So it does have that.

But also, it's got a... It's not as good, though. It's not as good as this. But when it gets to the centre, it also stops as well. It does that, which the Vestax doesn't do. No. But let's try this one. This is the Vestax now.

We're going... Don't you want to handle my piss test? No, I don't want to handle your pissy cardboard piss test. Oh, I can smell it now. Yeah, I know. I can smell the piss now as well. It's not pleasant. Do you think if I dried the piss out, we could smoke it and get some marijuana out of it?

No, that is definitely not what's going to happen, is it? The problem with this Vestax is I've had it a few years now, and the power... The power supply. ...is a bit dodgy and needs a bit of a wedging to get it going round. That's what I'm doing. Everything smells of piss or fucking pickle. Horrible. I can just hold it, that's all.

piss or fucking pickle. Horrible. I can just hold it that's all. Already there's more bass isn't there? Yeah. It sounds richer and clearer.

Sounds better doesn't it? Considering the speaker yeah that sounds much nicer. That's really quiet though. It's not really when

it was loud as this. Yeah. But it does sound better. Interesting. So it has less volume. Less this. Yeah. But it does sound better. Interesting. So it has less... Less volume. Less volume.

But I think it's much more designed to have headphones or... An out. And this has phono out. The Vestax has phono out as well as a headphone out. Does that have both of these on this as well? Yeah, it does. All right. So, you know...

It sounds better. It sounds better. Yeah. And you would be able to pick up that difference because it's from the build and from the... And also, someone was saying... Actually, they're exactly the same, aren't they? The cartridge is exactly the same.

I think so. They're very similar. Actually, Paul, they're very, very similar. Yeah, but I think the overall care and attention to the Vestax is what makes it a better product. It's a better designed case. Yeah. And it's interesting as well because I think um there's the very similar one i showed you before has

basically the same components and it seems like it's kind of a hodgepodge of all kind of different cheap kind of components you can buy for a basic record player for 15 quid bargain i would definitely recommend getting one if you see one for 15 quid honestly if you want to just pay much more than 30 but as someone said on a YouTube channel is that they say oh these things destroy your vinyl I don't think that's true

there is an argument to be made that a cheap vinyl player with a cheap vinyl stylus can do some damage but he was saying

but remember in the 1560s everyone who played had a huge great fucking nail on it well no he was saying people in the 1560s would have had a portable

thing and played records and so all those songs all those albums that people are buying in charity shops that are treasuring they were played on these players years ago

and if they're still in good condition now then they I think people overstate the possibility of damaging your vinyl generally obviously if you're

going to get into it properly pay the money for a proper turntable if you've got a record that's worth hundreds of pounds you don't want to be playing it much anyway which is the whole problem with collecting records and also being a DJ because you know you think I love that record I want

to play that record. If you pay more than a hundred quid for it you really don't want to be playing it you know what I mean? You want to be treasuring it and keep it in a box. It just becomes a thing. Yeah it becomes a trinket. Yeah which is a bit like you know So buy him to play him and you know. That's why I've never, I do collect vinyl and I've paid sort of, you know, reasonable amounts for singles.

But I don't want to really get into that whole like, this is 500 pounds, you know, because it's just like, where's the joy? It's like, I can't play it. It's like, I'm scared. I can't even have a drink when I'm out playing because I'm scared someone's going to nick it. Yeah, that is a good point. I mean, I remember I was DJing this woman

who's into soul. She had a 300 quid seven and I had a few and I said, can I look at your records? She was like standing over me as I was looking for her records because she thought

I was going to drop them. Fair play though because you'd be the exact same if someone who's a little bit pissed came up and went, can I touch your record? I guess so, but it's just all a bit like...

You would fucking hate it. I would. Yeah? Yeah. So, all right. So, if you can, look online for something like a Vestax. You know, because you can still get them on eBay.

A Vestax is more hardy. It's going to last you longer. Yeah. It's got a slip mat. It's got the tone control. Overall, it's a nicer product. It's better. Yeah.

And you may as well pay the extra quid for it. However, if you are at B&M and you see a couple of charity shop vinyl and you're thinking I might get into it, 15 quid for that in tempo one not bad they're not high

five quality either of these machines but as an entry level kind of thing fine for the kind of go for the Vestax yeah

definitely go for the Vestax but if I saw if you see one of those cheap grab them but I wouldn't pay 80 quid 70 quid that is really

really being ripped off yeah I think 15 pound was perfect for that that is a perfect price because if something if that breaks or whatever

I'll be like oh well it was 15 quid it was 15 quid yeah but again I went to cash converters

I showed you those pictures of those Sony turntables that were selling for like 30 40 50 quid oh yeah

those are antiques those are like second hand so you don't know what if you're going to be able to buy the cartridges which is that problem with those problem but they are a higher quality turntable hi-fi hi-fi level and then you have these are non-hi-fi they're

portables yeah so i wouldn't really want a machine like this if you're going to start a vinyl collection to have at your house really no you'd spend the money to get the whole modular set yeah so should we move on to the adding the vinyl to it then? Yes. We'll play it on the crap one because it seems to, you know, be a bit louder. So, I can use that. So, what have you got? I've got some vinyl for us to listen on Eli's Splatter Platters today. Let's have a little splatter of your platter.

Okay. I'm reaching in here, Paul. Oh, what are we going to play with today? I'll hand this to you, Paul. Oh, what's this? Main theme from Superman. Panic on Planet K. The Doctor X-Band.

Yeah, strange, eh? I've never heard of this. I think it might be a disco version of the Superman theme. Now, there's a little insert there you can take. There you go. Now, the Vestax did come with one of these spaces, 45 adapters. But it was lost, So sorry about that. Yeah, I know.

I think I did add one to it, but it doesn't really matter. So we're going to listen to the main theme from Superman, Panic on Planet K. Now look, the condition of that vinyl, Paul, is what you'd call very good plus. Yeah? Yes. How do you know?

Because I can grade it. I'm grading it visually. He's giving an ocular pat down, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, it's just got very little marking on it, basically. It does look in very nice condition. It's got a nice luster to it as well, which I always look out for. If it's not shiny... I've just realised what the word lacklustre means.

It's two words, but anyway. You know what I mean, though. Is it two words? Lacklustre. Hello's two words, but anyway. You know what I mean, though? Is it two words? Lackluster. Hello, Google. Okay, Google. Oh, fuck off, Google. Lackluster.

It's not recognised my voice. It's because you speak like a cunt. Okay, Google. How do I spell lackluster? Cluster is spelt L-A-C-K-L-U-S-T-R-E. H-1 word.

Oh, it's one word. All right. All that for that. Wasn't worth it, was it? I hope you cut it out. I hope I do. So play the song. Right.

This is the Dr. X Band. Have you ever heard of them? Never. It's a picture cover. It's a main theme from Superman by John Williams. And I'm hoping this is a disco-fied version of the theme. What year is it? It doesn't say on the back.

78, it says on the disc. Then we're maybe in disco period. We are slap bang in the middle of the disco period. Yeah, let's go for it. Okay, we're on the right speed here. I believe so. You ready, Paul? Let's go.

I'm dropping the needle to the record. Beautiful. Here we go with... Dr. X Band it's trying to be disco-y god it sucks. It sounds like everyone who's playing an instrument is pissed. Doesn't it?

Yeah. They all fucked up their tits. It's the right speed, right? What's the speed? It's the three-dial one. Yeah, it was on the wrong speed. It was on the wrong speed. Oh, dear.

Start again. We need the proper test. All right. That's why it sounded so ponderous. Oh, yeah. Okay. It's a disco version of the Superman theme. How much of this can you stand?

Not much. No. I can't imagine wanting to dance to this. I want to turn it off. Maybe have a breakdown. Maybe. It should happen around now. No.

I don't like it. It's weird. It just feels like half-baked. Do you know what I mean? It feels like it's just kind of half-arsed. Yeah. It's a shame that because I'm sure

there have been better versions of that kind of thing before. Now, I'm interested to what the B-side, maybe they do better because it's not, it's just called Panic on Planet K,

which is what, Kryptonite? Yeah. So maybe it's just a track of people going, what the bloody hell is going on? Here's the B-side, everybody. It's alright.

It's alright. Maybe this is like taken from the film itself the whole the planet kryptonite is exploding score. I don't think it is because it's written by someone else

oh not Williams Williams wrote the whole score yeah so it can't be done then you're right it's I don't know

it's no it's weird it's like there's something fundamentally No. It's weird. It's like there's something fundamentally wrong about making a disco version of the Superman theme. It's like you think it will work. It doesn't work. But according to that, it doesn't at all.

No. So I don't know. I'm not happy. I don't like it. Two platters. Two platters. Right. What have we got next?

This is the introduction from Triangle. Do you know what Triangle was, Paul? Yeah, it was a soap opera, wasn't it? Yeah, set in the sea. So this is it. This has had a Rula Lenska in. Was it Lula Lenska? No.

Cleo Lane? No, I fucking can't remember. Anyway, it was a soap opera, I think, set on the high seas. Here is another disc, and this is... Johnny Pearson Orchestra, Introduction from Triangle. It's a very mucky record. It's not that mucky. Yes. Yes! Yes!

Nice. It's nicely arranged, isn't it? You can imagine all the intrigue and all the romance. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh. Up jaunty. A little bit jaunty.

I'm spying on a lady who's sunbathing on the deck. She's got her nips out. Yeah, you dirty dog. Okay, take it off. Let's hear the actual main theme is on the other side. So that was just the introduction. Oh, that was just the introduction to Triangle. Yeah, so that's basically probably when the credits were rolling. No, hang on. This says introduction from

Triangle. On the back side it says love theme from Triangle. Oh, the love theme. So let's see. Let's get... Perhaps I've been spying on it and then I've got a moustache and I'm walking up. So you're walking up and she's like, oh, hello. I'm the captain.

Want to see my cock? I'd like to see it. Oh, yeah. Show me it now. It's a big chicken. It's a rooster. It's a cock. Get it?

No. Do you love me? Oh. Are you feeling it? I think I'm feeling your love. Are you feeling me? Oh. Do you feel me? Yeah. Can you feel it? I'm rubbing it. Am I putting it in yet think I'm feeling your love. Are you feeling me? Do you feel me?

Yeah. Can you feel it? I'm rubbing it. Am I putting it in yet? No. Have I put it in yet? No. Have I put it in yet?

Stop ruining this. It's meant to be love. Oh. I've fucking come too early. Oh. Oh. Love. Isn't love lovely? Isn't it lovely. Love. Isn't love lovely?

Isn't it lovely? Love. When you look into a lady's eyes and you say, I've spoffed my beans in your chuff. That's love, isn't it? Oh, I take it off. It's boring. Shit.

Right. Okay. Love. I love love. I'm in love. Are you for? I am. I'm good. I'm so happy for you. The lady I'm with right now, I'm really in love love. I'm in love. Are you, Paul? I am. Good.

I'm so happy for you. The lady I'm with right now, I'm really in love with. I'm so happy. And I'm going to play that song to her. This is not what this show's about, okay? What, about me being happy? Just leave that at home, yeah. I am at home, so I can do it here.

No, leave it, you know, metaphorically at home. And fear if you're listening, I love you. Whatever, mate. I love you, my girl. Tell them. It's like the Beatles, yeah? You don't want to tell them that you're listening, I love you. Whatever, mate. I love you, my girl. Listen, Paul, you don't want to tell them. It's like the Beatles, yeah? Yeah. You don't want to tell them that you're in a relationship.

Because then they sort of think, oh, I hate that. Oh, I'm not going to listen anymore because I'll never have a chance with Paul. Oh. All the lady fans. Or what if I just say, I'll cheat on Amphia. I'll cheat on Amphia. Okay, whatever. With you, listener.

You just. If you can convince me that you've got nice jubbly wubs now a little diversion is that better I've kept the

options open I've both said you're making noises Paul but I'm not picking up on anything you're saying

I cannot hear what you're saying would you like 10 quid I'll give you 10 quid right now for what

no you said you heard that didn't you right you dirty this is one of the worst silverman's platters of all time it might be

it's time for Paul Gannon's golden games part of the show where he gets a board game out and then he goes I bought it for

50p in charity shop what's the what's the board game out and then he goes I bought it for 50p in charity shop. What's the board game today Paul? I'm doing my song. It's not a good song. I came in. I'm coming over the end of the song. I need to think of a new song. Oh, Golden Ganon's Games. It's a golden

game. Golden's Ganon's Can't we go for something a bit more punky? It's a golden's game. I'll do it. Oh, it's Ganon's game. Can't we go for something a bit more punky? I'll do it. Alright. Oh! It's Ganon's game! What's going

on? I'm running a board game! It's a song! Oh! The game's going! The game's

going! It's 50p! The game's going! It's a song for me! Oh! The game's going! It's Pro Wars game! Oh! What's the game today, Paul?

I do not like that jingle. I'm just going to put that out to you right now. It's Paul's game. Don't. Hey, hey, you're going to break things Did you break your headphones? No, I've decided I'm going to call this segment Ganon's Golden Games. Okay. And the jingle is this.

Now, can we not have... Ganon. Golden. Games. Oh, no, that's fucking Ron Farris stuff. I'm not doing that. He doesn't need a jingle. How about this, Paul?

It's Ganon's Golden Games. Fucking hit you. We're going to play Scruples, the classic game of A Question of Scruples. need a jingle how about this Paul I was scared fucking it you we're gonna play screwballs the classic game of a question of screwballs the board game I got I remember this game I remember when it came out so right you get a yes no and depends card right okay and I have a yes no this is more of a card game than a board game really isn't it I think so there's no board there's no board there's no board it is a card game it's a card game yes not a board game Ganon's golden card game

it's not as catchy but Ganon's golden games it doesn't say board in the song it's elitination it's Ganon's what about this I'm actually getting something

with the theme tune now Paul just give me one more chance yeah what about this it's Ganon's golden games it's Ganon's golden games

it's Ganon's golden games it's Ganon's Golden Games is Ganon's Golden Games is Ganon's Golden Games is Ganon's fucking Golden Games. And that's right. Come on, it has a theme. Shut up. It has a theme. It goes with the price of shite. To end the show today, we're going to play this for about ten minutes. Ganon's Golden Games.

I fucking hate you sometimes. Like, genuinely. So I have hate you sometimes. Like, genuinely. So I have three cards in my hand, Paul. I have a yes, a depends, and a no. And what do I do

with these cards? Well, I'm going to read out a scruple. Why have you got them on your phone? I haven't. I'm setting the timer. Stop looking at your fucking phone.

I'm setting the timer for this section. That's what I'm doing. You can't even concentrate for... I don't know, the world today. Shut up being a complaining

old man, alright? Waiting at the bus stop. So I'm going to read the scruple out, right? How do we score points? Who wins? I won last time. I won Golden Games. I'm getting really fucked off with this.

Trying to explain it. Just explain it to me then. I read a scruple out, right? To you. And I have three cards. And then you have a yes, no, or depends. And what do I do? Put it...

You put one face down. Okay. And I have to see if I can match it. So you have to think... So it's a bit like Mr. and Mrs.? Yeah. If I match it, I get a point or the card. If I don't, then you win it, all right?

And then when we do, we go back and forth, whoever at the end of the timer... And we can argue the toss. Has them all. All right? Before we put our cards down. Okay. Ready? Yes. the end of the timer. And we can argue the toss. Has them all. Right before we put our cards down. Okay. Ready? Yes.

Yes. Start the timer. The timer's started now. We're on. Okay. So I'm going to go first and pick from this top. Read me a scruple if you will, please, Paul. You are a homeowner.

A homeowner. Yes. A social agency wants to establish a home for the seven mentally handicapped adults next door. Right. Do you sign a petition to oppose this? So, they want to put some... Mentals.

Don't fucking say that! Some mentally handicapped adults in the house next door to you. Oh, God. A house that you own. So, do you oppose this petition? I think, from my point of view... I'm going to play my card, Paul, and house that you own. So, do you oppose this position? I think, from my point of view... I'm going to play my card, Paul, and that's my answer.

All right. Okay, this is my card. But just before we get the reveal, I think you're quite a nasty person and I think you would take umbrage to

the moans and shouts and barking next door and you'll be like, those fucking people next door. Does that make me nasty or just makes me sensitive to noise pollution?

I don't know. And do you know what? I read the other day, Paul. Yeah. Noise pollution ain't no joke, mate. So it is a joke. Shut up. Oh, I'm sorry.

If you're going to pick me up for being a double negative kind of guy, then I'm going to pick you up for it. Swings both ways, doesn't it, ducky box? I don't know why you have to get like that. Noise pollution is not a joke. It's a very serious thing that can shorten your life, I heard. Yeah? Yeah, because it raises your stress levels.

People live near roads and stuff. Fair enough. It's all very good. So look, I'm not saying just because I was nasty, perhaps I'm concerned for my health. You know? What's the answer then? Well, three, we'll turn it over.

Three, two, one. Depends. I put yes down. It depends on one extremely important factor. Oh, what factor is this then? If you, one. Depends. I put yes down. It depends on one extremely important factor. Oh, what factor is this then? If you fancy one. No. Well, that might have some impact.

So it depends. It depends, Paul, on whether it's an anonymous. If I don't get identified as being on the petition. You'd have to put your name on it, wouldn't you? You'd have to sign it.

Well, then I won't sign it. Pussy. Anyway, you get that card because I didn't beat you. You did not beat me. All right, you pick a card now. Get it right, Paul. You won't sign it. Pussy. Anyway, you get that card because I didn't beat you. You did not beat me. You pick a card now. Get it right, Paul. You pick a card now.

Get it right. One of these red ones. Any of the ones you want. He's picking one. Read it out to me. Here we go. The service department of the garage

forgets to charge you for the three pound oil filter. Do you think the labour charge is too high anyway? Do you mention the oil filter? What are your feelings? Always put one down quite confidently.

Okay. Okay, what did you... What do you think, though? What's the cut of my jib, according to Eli Silverman? I think it's three pounds. You love a bargain. I do.

That's why we do this show. You love it cheap. I do. I do love it. You like to get one over on honest people by stealing from them. And yes,

that's taking it a step too far. And frankly, my lawyers are going to get involved if you keep on talking shit like this about me. You want to talk shit about me? You want to come here?

I'm coming. You want to come here and talk shit about me? I'm talking shit about you. Yeah. So I think you would let, it's only three quid. Let's turn the card over.

Yes. Bollocks. I win. Both said no. Yep. Give me myollocks. I win. Both said no. Yep. Give me my no back. Oh, shit. So I've got two cards.

How many have you got? I've got none. You've got none, Paul. Now, let's see if you can do better on this card. You didn't win the last one. I won Fun City just for the fucking record. Remember? No, we drew, remember?

In my head, I won. We drew, yeah. Right, next card. So, yeah, go ahead. Read it to me. They're all a bit sort of late 80s, these cards, aren't they? Ready? Yes.

You are a loser. You sit in a dirty room listening to shit vinyl and eating curries. Oh, poor. Do you whack one off and have a cry? Yes, I do. Into my fucking podcast partner's sleeping mouth. Come on, read the real card. You're not

physically ill, but emotionally you're exhausted. Do you call in sick to work? I kind of think I might get this one right, but we'll see. Ready? Let's go. Yeah, of course I do. Fuck them. We don't give a shit about that. Fuck them. Oh, I'm a bit tired.

I've choked too much cake the night before and I can't go into work. My day job is casual, like so many in this gig economy, Paul, and it just means I can cancel. There's no real sort of... Yeah. Nothing really happens.

Those old gentlemen can do without a knob sucking for a day, can't they? Yes, because I'm a male prostitute. Yeah, you are. And I specialise... How much do you reckon you'ditute. Yeah, you are. And I specialise... How much do you reckon you'd get if you went on the game? I specialise...

In old men. ...in fucking tramps and old men watch and then they pay me. Yeah, I'd pay for that. And then they kill the tramp. Oh, do they? Yes.

That's dark, isn't it? And then they what? It's very dark. And you know what they do? What? They send the blood to ladies who bathe in it and they think it's virgin's blood

but it's actually tramp's blood. So you sell knock-off blood to virgins? I don't. I just fuck the tramps. You don't get your arms dirty. No. All right, fine. All right, it's your turn to answer me.

This is a dark avenue to go down, wasn't it? My name is Paul. I'm a cunt. Also, I have a lack of talent. And my bum itches. Yes! Right, now I'll read it. All right.

You and your co-workers on the night shift. This is an area you may be in. Okay, all right. I've done that. At the factory, can finish your quota in one third of the time allotted. If you do more, you make the day shift look bad. Do you drag your feet and kill time? Okay, I think we need to go over this again because I don't quite understand the dilemma here.

What they're saying is... You can finish your quota in one third of the time allotted as opposed to the daytime crew. If you do more you make the day shift look bad.

Do you drag your feet and kill time? Yes or no? Well, it depends. Oh, that's a tricky one that one, isn't it? Do I drag my feet and...

I think, Paul, you're a lazy cunt despite all of this and I say yes. Yeah, I did say yes. There you go, I win the card. I don't see it as're a lazy cunt despite all of this. And I say yes. Yeah, I did say yeah. There you go. I win the card. I don't see it as being a lazy cunt, though.

I see it. Your opportunity, you don't think, oh, I don't want to make the day shift look bad. No, here's what happens. You just think I can get it done in a third of the time and don't have to work anymore. It's easy. I would have said yes as well. But I would drag my feet, though. I'm at the factory, of course.

You don't want to have to work, do you? No, you do. I'm saying I would drag my feet. That's what the yes is for, to drag my feet. Yeah, I know. Because if I start doing more work... You'd just make the day shift look bad. No, don't give a fuck about them.

Barry? Barry on the day shift can fuck... Is he called Barry? Yeah, of course he is. Can you think of any other names, apart from people you actually know off the cuff? No. All right.

John. John. Eli. Eli, who works for the day lift. John. John. John. John, who works on the day shift. Eli Eli Eli John John John John John who works on the day shift

John John John on the day shift John John John John on the day shift Moving on

John on the day shift Is a fucking Feckless prick Do you know what it smells like in here Wee wee Pits and pickles Yeah It smells of my wee

It smells bad In here Oh look It has faded But it still shows Clearly I have marijuana In my bloodstream Yeah wee wee piss and pickles yeah it smells of my wee it smells bad in here oh look it has faded but it still shows clearly I have marijuana in my bloodstream yeah

and piss and pickles ooh yeah yeah right who's go is it you're go and you are losing anyway my point is is that if they give us

more work if we drag our feet then they'll give you more work then they'll give us more and I don't want to get more work I totally agree with you

I want to hit my quota yeah maybe a little bit more yeah but not too much more. No, not too much more. Because then they start expecting that. Do your wages go up? Do they fuck?

No. You just get expected. John never meets his quota anyway. Sooner or later, the fucking manager's going to get you in his office. He's going to fucking blow him. You're obsessed with this today. Don't fart as well. I didn't.

You did fart. I did not. I will highlight that fart in the edit. Well, you can try and try and try, but my bum is unimpeachable. Beyond reproach, my bum is. Right, whose turn is it?

It's your turn to read a card out. Right, okay. I'll take one from the middle this time. A friend's daughter is pregnant. Oh, yeah. Go on. A friend's daughter is pregnant. Oh, yeah. Go on. A friend's daughter is pregnant and refuses to tell her parents who the father is. You know. Do you tell your friends?

I bet it's you. I bet it's you. Fuck the friend's daughter. Let's just assume it's not me. You fucked my daughter. You fucked my daughter, didn't you? No, I didn't. You put your dirty dick in my princess.

I didn't. You fucking cunt. You dirty... I told her. You put your dirty dick in my princess. I didn't. You fucking cunt. You dirty... I told her. I told her to stay away from him. Oh, yeah. He'll break your heart. And he's got a penis like a fucking...

She broke my penis. You've got a penis like... It's broken. Like a tic-tac. It's like a broken aubergine. Like a tic-tac. It's like a bruised mango. Your penis is small.

It's like a mango that ain't grown right. It's like a pineapple. What did you do with my princess? You got her banged up. Now, what would you do? Okay. Say it again.

You fucked my daughter when she was pregnant. It doesn't say that. I'm not the father. And you refuse to tell me. Billy Jesus just doesn't love her.

He's just a girl. A friend's daughter is pregnant Refuses to tell the parents Who the father is But you know Do you tell your friends Yes

Oh Do another one No I get that point Because you fucking blew it And I was going to Oh my Anyway There you go

Because you're such a fucking idiot Were you going to guess yes Yeah Right yeah Because you Why though Because you know They're my friends

She's just their daughter I don't know. But why do the friends need to know who the father is? Why do they care? Why should anyone know if that's their... No, but aren't we telling... Oh, anyway, let's move on. No, no, no. Why is it in your right?

Aren't I telling them that she's pregnant, not who it is? No, it says, you know, do you tell your friends who the father is? Now, isn't it her right? To not tell them if she doesn't want to right to not tell anyone who the father is? Well, no then. Give me the card back. No, no, you said yeah because you're a hateful,

spiteful shit-stirrer. A friend who is a strict vegetarian is coming for dinner. Looky him. Oh, God. I meant come. Every time the word comes up

you have to make a fucking take. I like it when I comes up. He's coming for dinner. What, is that vegetarian? Coming in your dinner. If you ate cum, would that be vegetarian? No, it wouldn't be, would it? It's a man-made product.

No, but so is milk. They can eat milk. Some vegetarians don't. They are known as vegans. A friend who is a strict vegetarian is coming for dinner. Yeah. You're feeling proud of your bean stew, even though it makes you fart like a wrong-un. Right.

Until you remember that you used beef stock. Oh, no. Oh, no. Fucking hell. Do you keep quiet and serve the dish? Do I keep quiet and serve the dish? Turn the cards over. Yes.

Oh. I would actually not tell them. Really? Yeah, I have a thing about vegetarians. What if they're allergic? What if I fed you fish? If they were allergic, that's a completely different question. That might be the reason. You don't know the reason why they're vegetarian. No, I have a thing about vegetarians. What if they're allergic? What if I fed you fish? If they were allergic, that's a completely different question. Well, you don't know.

That might be the reason. You don't know the reason why they're vegetarian. No, I do. They said they just don't like meat. They didn't say they were allergic to meat. Yeah, but that might be part of the reason anyway. You're a murderer. No, I'm not.

You've got fucking death of a veggie on your hand. Where's the card? You take the card. Don't fucking flick it just because you got it wrong. Right? Give me my no back. No, I've got my no. Oh, no, I've got your no. Yes. No, no, no. wrong right give me my no back no i've got my no i know i've got your no

yes no no no all right yeah no because my logic is is that no harm no foul you don't tell them my mom right when i first turned into a vegetarian when i was like 14 15 the rest of your life no no so i became a vegetarian my mom went oh i'll buy you some corn you know fake corn for the thing and what my mom would do is let's just say it was uh bolognese she would say right yours because i have to wait a bit longer because i have to make it separately how they're all right mom okay mom thanks mom one will come out give one bowl to my brother one bowl to my sister one bowl to my dad and then about 50 minutes later one would bring out my one and i'd eat it down yeah she never fucking bought corn mints in her life she was just waiting

15 minutes and then bringing mine out slightly cold. That is terrible, man. And I was eating meat for eight years and I was going around, I'm a vegetarian now. And actually, I was guzzling dead bodies from years

until I went to university. And you must have thought corn was a lot better than it was. I fucking did. When you fucking got some real corn, you meant it was.

This is shit. I can't make it like my mum. I can't make it like my mum anymore. Anyway, good story, Paul. Good story. Thank you. Great content today. Top bands. All it like my mum. Yeah. I can't make it like my mum anymore. Anyway. Good story, Paul. Good story. Thank you. Great content today.

Top bands. All right. Let's do this. Is it my turn now? Yeah. Read me it. Oh, here's one. All right.

You've accepted a date from someone you really like. All right. Putting the cologne on. Cleaning my ring off. Call them. No. Oh, scrub, scrub. Scrub the ring.

Let me read this. Scrub the ringy clean. You've ex... I've got this speckles of dried poo-poo. Oh, scrub, scrub, scrub the ring. Let me read this. Scrub the ringy clean. I've got this speckles of dried poo-poo. He's giving me a look like he's actually angry. Oh, mate. There was a little snap inside of me just then, like a little mental Kit Kat being broken in my brain.

And it was like the first impulse is, lamp him. Just reach over. Lamp him indeed. Reach over with my meaty fists. Any other Victorian era words you'd like to use? From top right to bottom left. And just fucking... Give us a good old lamping. Yeah.

Are you ready for your question? Or are you just going to be a prick? Mother's fragrances. Go on. You've accepted a date when someone you really like calls and asks you out on the same night. Do you try and get out of the first date now this is never

going to happen because no one finds you attractive actually it has happened no it never has happened yes it has actually happened no one's ever found you attractive yes it actually has happened

women yes it actually has have to catch vomit in their mouths before they can speak to you they go they want to say is that a law

is that a rule you have to catch vomit is that like an Atari game they have to play no they have a law? Is that a rule? You have to catch vomit? Is that like an Atari game they have to play? No. They have to catch vomit in their mouths. They have to catch vomit

in their mouths before they can speak to me. Is that the law? Am I some kind of king where you can't get an audience with me unless you catch vomit in your mouth?

And who's making this vomit? See this fist? No. You see it? Don't fucking threaten me. Don't fucking lamp you with this. Don't threaten me

with lamp. I'm going to lamp you. You're an idiot. You're a smelly idiot. Women come up to you and they want to say, Hello, Eli, how are you? And they said they go, Hello.

Why? Because of what? My smell. Your smell, your pickles. I don't have pickles on me, although that's a good idea. Do you think if I had a little earring, which was comprised of a miniature cornichon,

each ear. I actually do like that. Yes. I do like that. Read it to me, would I? You've got to make a guess, Paul. You've been given a date when someone you really like asks you out.

Do you try and get out of the first date? Right. Let's see your answer. Yes. Depends. Depends. All right, fill me in. It depends how much, how desperate I am,

how many years since I've had sex, and how much, he says really like, but how much do I really like? Let's say you fancied them for years. Well, look, it depends. They didn't give me that much detail. Yeah. So what happened before then when you had this situation?

Tell me about the real... Oh, it's the end of the game. Too bad. We can end this, though, with you telling a lovely, colourful story. Well, basically, I'd been very interested in this girl

for a long, long time. Yeah. We'll protect her name to protect the innocent. And then, out of the blue... Although her name is Mankey Calf.

Beefy Calf. Beefy Calf. Mankey was... Anyway, then there was Slippery Sarah. Oh. What about Niff was... Anyway, then there was Slippery Sarah. Oh. What about Niffy Nora?

And then there was Stinky Vag Queenie. Drippy Tits Tina. Oh, God. God. Do we have any girls that listen to this podcast? Yeah, loads. Some find us attractive. I don't get it.

I apologise. I'm surprised I'm in a relationship, although I'm not in a relationship, ladies. Yes, heul mccartney i'm paul mccartney i can't do it so paul what happened basically is it wasn't exactly that but don't give yourself an extra card you fucking knob juggle come on come on tell me the story all that happened basically is this i was really interested in this girl it kind of wasn't happening and then suddenly at this other workplace i had we went out for drinks and out of the blue this woman just sort of got off with me went back to hers yeah and then we started dating yeah and then suddenly this other girl was really interested in me the one i really liked so

i did have a similar sort of element um i eventually got with the one I really liked and the other one dumped me because she thought I had hepatitis C. Well, fair enough. So there you go. All right. Well, we've all learned a lesson. And who's won? I have one, two, three cards. And I have four.

Making me the winner. Eli? Shake my hand. I'm going to do it. It's weird, but yes. Oh, he's giving me the tickle. He's giving me the special tickle. They give you the little special palm tickle.

We call that the Andrew Lloyd Webber. Is it? Why? Because he does it. He fucks kids. Does he? No, he fucking doesn't. You even surprised yourself with that one.

Well, that was a good win. A lovely round of scruples and a jolly insight into our brain. I have gone completely ga-ga-ga. And so fucking are. I don't think this episode's made any sense. I apologise. We doaga. It's so fucking odd. I don't think this episode's made any sense. I apologise. We do have some

really good content coming up. No, we don't. We fucking don't, I bought some noodles. I've got some other things lined

up too, and we're going to finally get around to the car boot challenge in some respect. What are you looking at? No, no noodles.

I've got noodles here. This show is over. Thank you for listening to Cheap Show It's a mamma Shrimp creamy Don't grab my noodles We're not doing any fucking noodles Mate

Save it I'm just going to tell people No This is not a noodle moment I've got one of those Kung fu ones Thank you for listening to Cheap Show This has been the Cheap Show podcast

I've been Paul Gannon That's Eli Silverman You can listen to us weekly now Pants in, pants on Don't you fucking get those out. Chili Mansi. If you enjoyed what you listened to, and I don't know why this particular episode you'd enjoy,

because it's not our best. I'm saying this out loud now. It's too hot. We're sweating. I'm sitting in a... It's Kung Fu World. You get a separate bowl of broth, Paul. ...of my ball sweat.

My ball sweat's got visible... I literally felt a droplet go from one ball leg to the other ball leg just now when I shifted legs. I love that. That's when you know, when you've got a proper drip on. I've got a proper drip on. I've got some lovely noodles there, Paul. I can keep detailing them if you like.

Also, in Domi, Soto Mi, beef and lime flavour, Paul. Beef and lime. And he's pouring water into a cap. I think he's going to try and splash me in the face. He's going to splash me in the face. He's like I'm like a dog. I splashed him in the face. Fuck you.

That'll teach you. Happy? You've made me angry. Have you? It's all dripped on my pants. Splashed you right in the face. Right, that has been Cheap Show. If you want to support us on Patreon...

I'm going to put pickle juice under your nostrils while you're asleep so you wake up and go... Like that. You see, this is just the kind of advert we need to get people to support us. I feed your nose pickle juice in the night. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show if you'd like to. If you don't we actually understand based on this episode. So thank you. Anyway

we're on Twitter at the Cheap Show pod. Come and get involved. I'm at Paul Gannon's show. Eli is also at Twitter on Eli Snowy D L I S N O I D. And if you do a Cheap Show search on Facebook, on Reddit, on Tumblr, you're going to find us. Join the family.

Get involved. Become a cheapskate. And if you want to email us about anything, a tail from the dance floor, an Ask Silverman, a general inquiry, you can email us thecheapshow at gmail.com. And that's it. It's been a very fucking hot day to record Cheap Show. Oh, well, excuses, excuses.

I'd like to make an excuse, Paul. Yeah? Sorry Paul was shit, everyone. Sorry Eli is offensive, everyone. I'd like to make an excuse, Paul. Yeah. Sorry Paul was shit, everyone. Sorry Eli is offensive, everyone. I'm not offensive. You did. What did I say that was offensive? Lots of things involving what you do to me in my sleep and my mouth. That's not offensive to anyone but you.

What? That's enough. I'll dunk my knob in you. I'll dunk my knob in you. No, you won't. I just like that. We'll just dunk knobs in each other all the time. I'll teabag your face. I'll teabag your face. I'll teabag your face.

There you go. I've got them all. I've got all the comebacks. I've been counting the times that you've said things. Yeah. Ten. The number of times you've said things is ten. Yes.

What the fuck's that about? Well, I counted them. I've just been counting the number of times you've made me feel sick inside. Nineteen. All right. Lovely, isn't it, little clicking machine? I really love this thing. Well, let's end this show on a positive love note.

Okay. Eli, I love you, mate. Yeah. Bye. Good. And we love you for listening, so thank you for listening to yet another cheap show. And we will soon be,

hopefully before this even episode goes out, be giving you details of the live show and there's another issue of the magazine that will only been out by the time this episode comes out well i hope you enjoyed it i hope you enjoyed it was lovely look you're catching up on the admin elon i'll give you that okay i know i did an interview in that mag yeah you did so if you want to know the latest hot sexy gossip you can now read it but only if you're a patreon and how much do they have to give on patreon to get the magazine i think everyone gets it for the magazine any any so everyone one dollar one dollar even one dollar gets you this magazine the magazines are a little teeny teeny bum bum one dollar right that's just fucking over right thank you very much ladies and gentlemen goodbye we're tired it's hot and i'm fucking

looking at that face oh fuck off fuck off alright wasn't very fun was it this show