CheapShow - Ep 87: Now That's Magic!

Episode Date: August 1, 2018

You will like this magical edition of CheapShow... Not A Lot! Paul and Eli delve into the world of illusions, tricks and conjuring when they come across a range of cheap children's magic sets. They also discover a reasonably rare magic instructional album from TV's very own Paul Daniels who poses a conundrum that pisses Paul right off! Along the way, Paul calls Eli's stumpy hands into question, Eli demolishes Paul's faith in magic and they both try to one-up each other with their pathetic prestidigitation! Elsewhere, they discover a book of life hacks for old fogies, debate what piece of tat The Simpsons WON'T appear on and end up grabbing the old mouth harp and singing the blues! It's a truly astounding episode! Piffity Puff Puff!! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Ladies and gentlemen... No. No. Ladies and gentlemen... Banter first. A little bit of banter or I annoy you. Okay, fine. Okay.

You're a shit cock, aren't you? Thanks, Paul. And ladies and gentlemen, it's... Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I'm being nice.

That's it. Why? Because I'm sick of this. I'm sick of this trying to manufacture some kind of animosity at the start of the show. I like you, Paul, all right? I like you, yeah? I like you. You're fine, all right?

You're fine. That's a nice shirt. What's best about me? It's a nice shirt. I don't like the colour of the shorts. They're faded. They're meant to be a lot browner, but they're faded. They're mustard brown, one of my least favourite colours.

They weren't mustard at the start. They were darker. It's mustard brown. It's an orangey brown. They weren't mustard at the start, they were darker. It's mustard brown. It's an orangey brown. Look at my arse. No, why? It's darker. I'm not looking at that.

That's the colour it should be. Touch it. I'm not touching it. Fucking move, move out of my fucking space. Yeah? Sit over there. I'm trying to be nice,

I said I liked your shirt, and you're just being like a little child. Like a little child who needs his bum bum touching. Pardon? He needs his bum bum touching. Who wants his bum bum touching. You mean cleaning.

Would that be more appropriate, do you think, on reflection? Nothing's appropriate here. We're in a morass of inappropriate half-thoughts. We're in the hot house of pickles on a hot day. It's a hot pickle house. And it's sweating, And everything's steaming. It's like the hothouse flowers. Mount Groppants has a visible hum to it.

It's gross. There's a hat on top of Mount Groppants. Yeah. And look, there's a little guava sweet over there if you want, Paul. Oh, no, I don't want to touch those again. And there's a... No. We've got some chocolate there in the sauce trough.

Or clobitter. And there's tomato ketchup. Right, now you can do your intro. That's enough banter. Ladies and gentlemen, hello. I'm Eli Silverman. It's time again for the show that we call... Why are you doing it in South African?

I'm shut up. How about that? Now, is that Australian? Yeah. Yeah. Shut up. Don't do accents. They're not your strong point.

Everyone knows it. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Eli Silverman. It's cheap showtime again. Here's your other host, Paul Gannon. He's going to be good. Let's hope that stays true. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor How's the big guy? The price of shite We're gonna take a look Eli Silver Welcome to Cheap Show Yeah! Hello, welcome to Cheap Show Yeah! It's hot in the city

Stop saying it's hot, you're just making an excuse They don't want to hear it Hot in the city tonight Tonight you can't click because of continuity You can't though it's hot in the city tonight it's hot in the city tonight I'm so excited

I just can't hide it I'm about to lose my jizz and I just can't hide it that's very true how would you hide it well I'd wipe it up with a tissue that I'd already used last night to clear my beard of curry.

Curry stain on my jeers. Shut up. Shut up. Fucking. Mount Grop pants. House of Pickles. Sauce trough. It's a sticky hot one.

The valley of the sauces. It's not pretty in the city in the House of Pickles today. I'm so excited. So? And I just can't hide it. I just wanted to say. I'm about to spoff one off. Shut up.

What would you like to say, Paul, at the top of the show here now? I would like to just say thank you to everyone who bought tickets for Cheap Show. Yay, live. Cheap Show live. Yeah. What have we got to look forward to in those live shows, Paul? Well, let me just say thank you

because we put the tickets up on the website for Angel Comedy and the first show, well, it was only going to be one show. It was two o'clock till four in the afternoon. It sold out. On October the 14th.

Yeah! Sunday. Sold out within a few hours. Motherfucking live And there were so many people on Twitter And on email saying Oh I missed out That I thought

Maybe we can chance a second show So on the same day October 14th Sunday Between 5 o'clock and 7 It's an exclusive We're doing a second show There's a second show Same guests

Don't worry if you didn't manage to buy tickets For the first show There's a second show And also If you really want to see two shows The content's going to be different Isn't it Paul? It't manage to buy tickets for the first show. There's a second show. And also, if you really want to see two shows, the content's going to be different, isn't it, Paul? It's going to be two shows. Two totally different separate shows.

I think one's going to be funnier than the second. The number one's going to be funnier. Why? Because we're old men now. And then we'll get through the first show and we'll be sweaty and old and tired. And then it's like, God, fuck it, do this again. And then we will, and it'll just be more violent.

It might just be more violent. So don't come to the second show. No, come to the second show because that's the violent one. The first one's going to be sexy. The second one will be violent. Okay, so you get your little dose of sex and violence. Sex and violence.

With the Cheap Show Live, I'm very excited about it, Paul. You should be. So we're going to have Mr. Biffo, a.k.a. Paul Rose, who's been on the show before, digitized the show starting soon. He gifted the show with our most important mascot

and symbol of evil, Keith. Keith. The two-faced, dead mole witch face. Yeah, yeah. Keith. Yeah, that thing. So he's going to be on the show. We have Stuart Ashen from Barshens and Ashen's, obviously.

Why couldn't they just have different sounding names? What do you mean? Well, it's like he's called Ben and Ben's, isn't it? It's like calling Dave's and Dave and Dav. Dav, Dave's and Dav. Div, Dav, Div and Dav, Dav. Dav, Dav, Dav. Shut up.

Dave. Ashen's will be there Shut Fucking hop Big Bob Bobby Bob's and Bob's shop And Fairweather co-host

Ash Frick Will be joining us As well With some Tossed off Last minute material Like that thing That he made us eat

That he didn't really ever eat No he never did It's fucking terrible Up your game Ash Or you're not coming back. Okay. So, if you want tickets, here's one thing you can do.

You can go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. If you go on there, the first thing at the top of the page is a little article about the tickets and a link straight to that second show. They're only about a fiver. Yay!

Keep it cheap. If you're on Patreon, you get a little discount. You get a special Patreon code you can add when you're buying the tickets. There's a discount for Patreon subscribers. Yeah, so just go to angelcomedy.co.uk and search for Cheap Show. You'll find us there.

Again, the link's on Twitter. The link's on our website. It's on our Facebook page. But if you go to angelcomedy.co.uk, look for Cheap Show and get your tickets. The show's in October. We've got two months to fill it out. I think we'll be all right. I think we'll be fine, Paul. Yeah. We'll see how it and get your tickets shows in October we've got two months to fill it out I think you'll be all right I

think we'll be fine Paul yeah we'll see how it goes we'll see the only tickets on the day we can allow people who seen the first show to come to the second one for maybe a quick space

yeah yeah this space we'll see how it goes yeah hopefully there won't be doors on the day tickets on the day but we'll see but thank you everyone it's gonna we're gonna make up

we're gonna make it worth your duty to make a good show for you. It'll be a good show. So that's that. So that's great, isn't it? And what's coming up in today's show? Well, on today's show. Of the pod show show.

Cheap show pod show. Today. Podcast. Cheap show. Paul show. Enough of that now. Paul Gannon show. You've contributed to.

I have contributed shit all since the start. We are doing, after this the start yeah we are doing after this awful intro we are doing Mikasa Tsukasa ooh Tsukasa Mikasa

a little bit of a pipe and piece and smoke and piece and pipe I've got a double double fisted yeah finish that sentence

gift for you ooh on Mikasa Tsukasa today and I have a gift for you that I've wanted to give you for a long while. And I've never managed to find it until I found it. And then I was like, I'm going to give you it.

I relish this. I'm going to give you it. I'm going to relish it. Right. I'm going to put some of that green relish that they have in certain places on it. Yeah. Right. I'm going to relish it.

And then, after that, we're going to be... You know that green relish? Yeah. What's that green relish? Yeah. What's that called? Grelish. I don't know. Grelish would be a good name for some kind of hobbit. Grelish the impotent.

Yeah. Oh! Come to bed, darling. Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! Couldn't I just be a hobbit? Why do I have to perform in the matrimonial detail?

I'm sorry you've been given the name of... Grelish. Grelish. I'm Grelish. The Impotent, and so you must be adorned with impotency. I can get it up, but then it just goes flat again. You can use your fingers, mate, if that helps. I can use me fingers?

Yeah. I've only got this little short hobbit fingers. Oh, well then, mate, I can't help you. And they get all gluey. What do you mean, gluey? They get all gluey, Paul. Oh, me sticky fingers. I'm Grelish the fucking gnome who shoots blanks.

No. Okay. Okay. Look at me. No. Okay. Bad e-life. I'm not a dog.

I'm not your dog. You are. I won't be your dog. Then we're going to do something I wanted to talk about on Cheap Show. We're going to talk about magic again. A little bit of magic. There's a good reason why. Because I bought something that boggled my mind.

And it's a magic toy, but it's not magic. We'll go into more detail later in the show. And then I think I found a book. So if we've got time, we'll read that book. We'll look at the book. It's called Tips for Meanies. Thrifty Wisdom from the Oldie magazine. Okay.

So we'll have a look. It looks like a piece of shit. See if we can find some lovely tips. It looks like a toilet book that you discard after the first heave. I bought it from the works. It says £2, but I got it for 50p. Did you? Yeah.

How come? Because it was on sale for 50p. Just go, listen, mate, I'll give you 50p for this. No, sir, it's £2. And you went, no, mate, we all know the way this works, right? I say 50p, you say one pound 50. I take you down, you push me up. We haggle, yeah?

Is that what happened, Paul? Yeah. Let's replay it. Come along and try and buy that book. All right. I've just found this book in a box of books that says any book for 50p. Yeah, that's not for sale. They're not for sale.

That's my special private. It says two pounds on it. I'm sorry, sir. I'll any book for 50p. Yeah, that's not for sale. They're not for sale. That's my special private... It says £2 on it. I'm sorry, sir. I'll have to interrupt you here. Yeah. That's my special private supply of books. Why do you have it

in the middle of your shop, then? I just got it there. Why? I just don't have the storage space at home. Well, then put it outside in the street. Well, I will.

Thank you. That's a good point. So I can't have this book? No. It's my book. It's not your book. It's not for sale. In a bookshop?

All right. It's £2. But it's in a box of In a bookshop? All right, it's £2. But it's in a box of 50p books. Well, what does that sticker say? It says £2 for sale. Well then, it's £2 then. But it says 50p. All right, 50p, done.

And that's how you do it. That's how you get a deal. Come again, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So we'll be reading that later. Lovely. Lovely. Thank you.

So we'll be reading that later. Lovely. Lovely. What's the new version of Mikasa Tsukasa theme that is not Native American and insensitive? There was no theme. Wasn't it? No, there's no jingle. No?

No, it is simply Mikasa Tsukasa. And ladies and gentlemen, it is the segment of the show. The segment feels naked now without an intro. Well, whatever. I'll just explain it because it's relatively new. No. All right, then. Hey!

Hey-yo-yo-yo! Hey-yo-yo-yo! All right, leave it. No theme. Hey, me-casa. Hey, su-casa. Hey! I'm sorry.

So. It's me-casa me, Casa Sue Casa, everybody. It's the segment of the show where we bring gifts and we give each other gifts. And it's a gift giving in its pure essence. Proving that you can find wonderful things to give to close friends in places that don't charge very much for them. Poundlands, charity shops. What can we find that's going to bring a smile to your face?

Now, Paul, because I like bringing a smile to your face. Now, Paul, I have to come clean with you here. I just went to the charity shop earlier today, grabbed whatever looked half decent, and that's my casa for you today. Fine. Okay, so your one sounds like it might be a bit better. So should we start with my casa to you?

Yes. Su casa, Paul. To me, casa. To you, casa. Su casa. Today, casa, Paul. Yes. it might be a bit better so should we start with my Kassa to you yes Sue Kassa Paul to me Kassa to you Kassa Sue Kassa today Kassa Paul yes

Kassa you look mental stop it I'm going mental mate I'm losing it it's a heat it's hot I'm sweating

like a pig listen Paul can we do a thing here where I have a therapy have a little therapy session with myself I'll talk to myself. As me?

Yeah. Right, okay. Now, you're me. Yeah. Right. Come on, Eli. Hello. Hello there, Eli.

You all right, mate? I'm Eli. Hello. I'm Eli, too. Yes, hello. Why do I hate myself so much on the inside, Paul? Well. No, Eli, sorry.

Well, Eli, answer me. Well, you're a cunt. Oh. Well, you're a cunt. Oh, yeah, you're a cunt. Antsy. Right. No, it's this. You're a loser. You've got a little willy.

You can't do anything with it. Right, are you ready for your Casa for me, Casa soup, Casa today, Casa? Like a baby's finger on a pregnant woman's belly. Ooh. Ooh. Arr, arr, arr. Are you ready for your gift, Paul? I am.

Okay. Now, like I said, it's a double-fisted gift. So it comes in two parts. And they're unrelated. It's two gifts. Thank you very much. I'm going to just have a little shumage. I'm going to scrammage around at the end of the bed. The nest in the House of Pickles.

I will close my eyes. in the house of pickles, by and large, it's best to keep your eyes closed. Here's the first part of my gift for you, Paul. Okay, so... You're not going to keep it. He's not even going to keep it. It is a plastic little character.

It's like a lady with a great big can of hairdo in a bikini. It looks like it's off the top of something So it looks like maybe it went on top of What would it go on top of? I don't know I think it's just meant to be a figure Like maybe something you'd get in the kitchen

Like, I don't know A spatula or something It's not a spatula top It's something like that I thought it had a bit of a sex appeal Because she's in a bikini Yeah, but it also could be for Weenoff A toy that's

meant to represent an eight-year-old child. It's not meant to represent a child. You don't know that. Mate, you're fucking ruining

this segment. It's meant to be a gift for you. You can just pretend to be fucking grateful and say, oh, I'm going to josh one

off because she's in a bikini. I'm not going to rub one off. Well, I'll rub one off. No, give it back. I'm going to keep that for wanking into.

You know when I put the picture of this up online and people finally see what it is you're talking about? What? She's got bikini. She's ready to get done. Mate, mate, don't. What? This is very unwoke material you're doing right now. Listen, I'm not fucking pandering to you.

I'm just saying that's a sexy little figurine. Fucking dirty little man. Don't fucking throw it to you. I'm just saying. That's a sexy little figurine. Fucking dirty little man. Don't fucking throw it at me. Do you like your present? No. Right, here's my second part. Come on, defend it.

She's got... It's a weird thing, isn't it? Yeah, it's unsettling. She's kind of tanned as well. Yeah. Sexy. It's like Hawaiian almost. Like a Hawaiian lady with a... I quite like it.

She can sit there and judge you. No, she can sit there and judge you. You ready for the main present? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that first one, not really impressed. There you go. Don't drop it. Oh!

Oh! Now we're talking, ladies and gentlemen. He likes this better, Paul. He likes it. It's an egg cup. But Paul, everyone's saying right now, an egg cup. That doesn't sound interesting. No, this is what they're saying.

That's what they're saying. I hate Paul. I hate Paul. I wish he'd shut up. That's what they're saying. They're saying Eli overrates his very minuscule amount of talent. Oh, fuck off. Just saying.

What's the popping noise? That was me putting my thumb in it and going this. Ow! So, it's an egg. Ha ha. An egg holder,

but ladies and gentlemen, what makes it delightful is it's in the shape of Homer Simpson's head. Now... It certainly is. Not all his head, because obviously

you need a divot on the top to put the egg in. So the egg forms the dome of his skull which is cute. What I don't like is the fact that the whole thing ends

on his overbite. Just below his overbite. But it's like he's coming up if you put him on the table It's like he's coming up through a river. It's like he's coming up from a river

or that very famous it's become a meme now of The Simpsons when he sort of goes into the bush for a slogan. So it's like a stealth homer isn't it it's like he's going

and also it's very big the egg cup holder bit at the end it is isn't it nice item isn't it it's a lovely little bit of thing it's nicely painted

and look at the bottom it's legit probably isn't it yeah it says Matt Gronig he put his name on fucking anything but yeah and then it has

2006 Fox so it is actually it's official merch yeah oh it is actually official merch. Oh, it's lovely. Do you think so? It's all right, isn't it? I like it. You like egg cups, don't you?

I do, because I had those cream egg ones when I got on the show ages ago. Yeah, you still got those? Yeah. Well, that can sit next to those. Hey, all right, that's good. You like that? Simpsons, Homer Simpson head. And if you want to see photos of the gifts, they're all on the website.

And they'll be going up as soon as the episode's released. Okay, now I am sweating in anticipation for your casa to me in this Su Casa Mi Casa gift-giving segment of the show, Paul. Well, I didn't get anything. I just wanted to see if I could make you

buy stuff. What? I didn't get you anything. I just wanted to see if you'd go to the shop. Give me it back. No, that's not how this segment works.

This section's called Mikasa. No, it's not. This is me. I'm joking. You better be. I'm joking. Did you get emotional

You could break the sacred covenant. No, I'd never do that, mate. Never do that. Mikasa Tsukasa is sacred. I don't even that, mate. Never do that. Mi casa su casa is sacred. I don't even joke about it. It's the football match across the Somme of this podcast.

It certainly is. Good reference. So, you know, this is a two-part present. Oh, it is. One of them you're not getting because, well, I explain it when I see it, and the other one you are getting. But I want to show you the one you're not getting because what you're not getting is something I wanted you to have on the show for a while and prove something to me.

Because you've said in the past that you're musical. What, do you mean that I have musical talent? Yeah. I've never said that. You've said that before. I was joking. I don't really. I asked you to play an instrument.

A harmonica. What's this? He's got a harmonica. I've got a harmonica. So it's a... It's in the... It's a honer. It's a proper one. Blues harp. I want got a harmonica. So it's... It's in the... It's a honer. It's a proper one.

Blues harp. I want to hear you play it. Sing some blues then. Okay. Hang on. Do it further away from the mic. Oh, I wake up To record Jeep show On a Sunday

No you've got to do it As if it was actually a song Not like Just shit Like that Okay Okay So I'll do a refrain

And then you Okay I'll copy it And then you Yeah Hang on Wait Hang on. Wait. My baby don't like it when I come home at night. I'm dressed as Batman and I'm high as a kite.

She says you don't fight crime, buddy. You're just a pisshead and a louche. I cry in the corner. And I sleep in the bush. Solo time! Because I love being Batman. No, when I solo, you shut up. Yeah, I love being Batman. There you go.

Batman Blues. There you go, mate. Right. So, look, it doesn't sound like someone who's never played it. No, I was genuinely excited to give you that, to hear you play it. Because I know in the past you've said, oh, I could play it. And you that, to hear you play it, because I know you, in the past, you've said, oh, I could play it, and it's me,

it's like, yeah, see there, well, there you go, you're starting to bend a bit, you should bend it more, yeah, there you go, that's much better,

oh, God, so anyway, it's quite fun, isn't it? It's a lot of fun, but that's not what I got you for me, Kassasou Kassa. That's a nice blue top. I used to have one of these.

Hohner blue top. Yeah, and that's why I'm not giving you it because that was given to me by someone I cared about. But what I am giving to you was also given to me by that person. But this is just something that I think you should have.

I'm waiting. Close your eyes put your hand out what is it oh yeah this is johnson the blues king and this is a miniature harmonica it is about the size of a pencil rubber maybe we'd say yeah it's a couple of inches long maybe inch and a half maybe little box there yeah this is a different um, it's a little box. A couple of inches long, maybe. An inch and a half, maybe. A little box there. Yeah. This is a different manufacturer. That's a Hohner and this is a Johnson.

Nice. The Blues King. Oh, mate, this is so excellent. And it's a little tiny harmonica on a golden chain. Yeah. You can wear it. In case the blues hits you. Yeah, because you never know. I'll give this a go.

There you go. It's not as effective an instrument. No, but if you've got mini blues, you can use that for that. I love that. Thank you. It's going to go next to my little miniature Tabasco sauce bottle up there. There you go. Lovely little thing, isn't it?

Thank you very much. My su-cass-mook. My casser is fully su-cassered. Chubbed up. Chubbed. I've got a stodge on my casser. Thanks, Paul. Excellent work.

My pleasure. Brilliant. We're both happy. Yeah. Play us out with the blues. Okay. Play us out. We both got some presents.

And now we're both happy. I've got sweat tits on. And I should have a nappy. Because I've shat myself. Goodbye. Goodbye. Good night. Thank you. Good. Okay.

So, Paul. I was literally losing my mind when I thought we were recording that. I know. It's good. I'm glad we could do it again. It's all good. Now it's good. It's Cheap Show. You're listening to Cheap Show. Oh, God. And Paul has brought something in that he'd like to discuss

with us. The point was he farted and it threw me. No, it didn't. We can forget that ever happened. It was a dirty grunter. It didn't happen. That literally was absailing down my throat. The smell. There was a chewer on the loose. You could certainly get your dinner out of it,

ladies and gentlemen. Okay, now, what have you brought in now, Paul? I saw a book in the works, you know, the bookshop that sells discount books. How much was it?

£2, it says here, but I believe it was, when I got it, it was 50p, because it was on a box of 50p books. How did that go, then? How did you get it for 50p?

Have we done this already? Yeah, we did this bit already. Can we not do it again? Let's not do that again. Yeah. Okay, then. 50p. It's called Tips for Meanies,

Thrifty Wisdom from the Oldie, compiled by Jane Thine or Thin. What do you think it's pronounced? Thin. There's a plane going over. It's a very summery day. Why is it... Planes also go over in the winter, Paul.

Anyway, these are all tips to help you save money if you're tight-fisted. Okay, let's see theseed I'll let you read a few out Paul scraping the barrel is generally a pejorative but to meanies it's a badge of honour this

book says tips for meanies will equip even the thriftiest meanies with new versatile weapons for their armoury discover the penny pinching

potential of everyday miracle products from toothpaste and vinegar to barbecue brisket find cunning ways to curb household shopping and energy bills always handy

yeah avoid pricey trips to the chemist by channeling the healing powers of cheap and easy home remedies okay slightly more

interesting read one out and I'll tell you if we start with miracle products I don't care honestly I think this is

do you mean what just it's actually us informing our podcast listeners of cheap things. It's one of the things we should do as part of the remit of this show, outside of, you know, bully each other. I'll tell you what. What? If you're ill, go to the doctor.

Is that a life hack? Yeah. Yeah. Go to the doctor. Don't just put vinegar on your knob or something. I bet it says put vinegar on your knob. The ancient Romans used it as an antiseptic. It removes stains like sweat, which you could fucking do with.

It's a sweaty fucking mess. Fruit, jam, cola, mustard. It cleans coffee and tea stains from China. Disinfects wooden chopping boards. Tea stains from China only if the tea's from China. They grow tea in India. You know what China means. Read that sentence again.

Make more effort if you're going to rip it. Read that sentence again. It cleans coffee and tea stains from China. Tea stains from China? What does it mean, tea stains from China? Bone China. Cutlery. Oh, from off of China.

Yes. Oh, sorry. From off of China. Just keep reading. Tea and coffee off of China. Just keep reading. Clean tea and coffee off of China. Just keep fucking reading. And mixed with salt, vinegar will clean copper, bros and brass.

Bros. It will clean the 80s duo, bros. Copper, bronze and brass. Fuck off. When will I, will I have vinegar clean me? I can't answer. I can't answer that. When will I be taken off the shelf and clean with vinegar?

I can't answer. This is fucking pathetic. It's bros, mate. Pathetic. I remember where I was when I first saw that bros video. Jacking it? No, I was in an Austrian ski lodge. I was in an Austrian ski lodge trying to get off with a girl who hated me. No, that's where I lost my virgin Austrian ski lodge. I was in an Austrian ski lodge

trying to get off with a girl who hated me. No, that's where I lost my virginity as well. So she didn't hate me. She liked me enough to let me put it right in her. So, also, that was my first appearance on telly. Because you'd been done fucking having sex with this girl on CCTV cameras somewhere. No, what it was was an Austrian weather report.

A little teenager. It was the Austrian weather report, actually. Putting his little button mushroom in it. It was the weather report. They were doing it from top of the mountain where we were skiing from and I was on it. Look, a Yeti. Little midget Yeti, everyone. A midget Yeti.

Look, a little tiny Yeti, everyone. Small Yeti. Smetty. Teeny Yeti. Fuck off. Teen Yeti. Yeah. That would be good. That would be good. Yeah, that would be good. Teen Yeti starring Smetty. Teeny Yeti. Fuck off. Teen Yeti. Yeah. That would be good.

That would be good. Teen Yeti starring Eli Silverman. Sounds like Richard Brandoff. No, it doesn't sound like Richard Brandoff. They sound very similar. Here comes Teen Yeti, all right? Yeah. He comes down, rolls down the hill like a little ball of fuel.

Oh, I love a kid. Hello. I've got adolescent problems and I'm Teen Yeti. Who are you? I don't know. You're Paul. I say I am Paul. Hello, I am Paul.

Nice to meet you, Teen Yeti. Hello, I'm Teen Yeti. Oh, I've got acne. Good thing I've got a hairy face. You can't see it. That is true. Have you got a date tonight, Teen Yeti? Yes, I have.

Yes. Yeah? How did you meet her? It's with a gnome. Oh, lovely gnome. She's hollow from the outside, so I can get it right. You know what? You ruined that again.

If she turns around... No, you ruined that. Stop it. Did you know? Did you know? Gnomes are hollow if you look at them from behind. And yeah, that's what I'll do with her. Horrible?

Yeah, that's fucking horrible. I'll get all my yeti junk all up in her... Shut up! Shut up! I'm Teen Yeti. I'll be doing the rest of this section. No, you won't. Oh, yes, I will.

Yeah? I won't go. I'm not going anywhere, mate. I'll just take that mouth organ back then. Fuck it. That's Eli's mouth organ. I'm Teen Yeti. Hello.

This is not your best character. I don't care. It's real. It's really me. Right, okay. We'll go on then. See if you can sustain it. Okay.

Coca-Cola is also good for cleaning stuff. I don't drink Coca-Cola because I'm a Yatty. A can of Coke emptied into the wash with detergent is seriously good at grease removing. There you go. I find that hard to believe. Just run through a normal cycle and the carbonic and phosphorus acid will dissolve stains and deodorise

clothes. It's also a rust buster. You can clean a blackened saucepan by simmering coke in it. Paul, I've got a question. Yeah? How good is Coca-Cola at cleaning the stains of my victims from my flesh? It all gets matted in me hair, all fleshy.

Is it good for that? Is it good for that, Paul? Is it good for that? Right, I'm sick of this. I'm off. Well, that was Teen Yeti. Three minutes. Read another one.

It's Eli's back in the room now. Teen Yeti's gone down the hill He's a mini Teen Yeti He's good I'm not going to pass comments I'm just not It doesn't matter Candles are good

For what? Shoving up your arse Because you couldn't have thought of anything wittier than that Shoving down your japsite Oh sorry Sorry everyone Meet us of anything wittier than that, could you? Shoving down your japsite. That's, that's... Oh, sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Meet us.

Meet us. Me casser, Sue meet us. You want... Me meet us, Sue meet us. Teen Yeti's coming back up the hill. A rub with a candle

is the best way to ease a sticking drawer or window sash. And stroked on a hinge, a candle is superb for fixing a squeaky door. Could you read that out again? That whole thing. Yeah. Rub it where? Yeah.

Oh, I'm easing it in. Ooh. Or window sash. Ooh, sash, aye. Fuck up here. And stroked on a hinge. Stroke it on me hinge! A candle is superb for fixing a squeaky door.

Fix me with a candle. A true meanie will be sure to freeze their candles an hour before lighting. Oh, you freeze them. It makes them last longer and drip less. What? That's what it says here. Stick it in the freezer for an hour. Now, that I have not heard before, Paul.

Well, there you go. But I'm not going to be freezing my candles off. Just for a dinner party. Why? Because they drip less. It's nice when it drips. It's romantic. And then I can drip it on her nipples.

Oh, you've watched that film where someone drips body of evidence, is it? And he drips hot wax on her. She's like, oh. Really? It's hot wax. Won't it actually burn you quite badly? Probably. It's probably hot. What do you mean probably hot? I think we both can agree that melted

wax is hot. Maybe it's just because of little drips and drobs. It's not too bad. A drob? If it was just like he pours hot wax on it. It's a drip and a drob. A drob of melted wax. He's the language king. Read me something that fucking I can work with here, Paul. Please. Olive oil. He's the language king. Read me something that fucking I can work with here, Paul, please. Olive oil.

It's a jacket. Rub it on your knob. Paul, give me something to work with here. And then I go, olive oil. Shaking up my dick in it. Have you? No, can I just ask a serious question now, Paul? Had I went with olive oil?

Yes. No. All right. Good, that's a good question. Have you? No. Did you think I would have? Maybe. Why? Might have. No. All right. Good. That's the last question. Have you? No. Did you think I would have? Maybe.

Why? You might have. No. You might think, ooh, the smell of olives. Just like normal people, I use lard. Oh, yeah? Just like every other average Joe. What about duck fat?

Sometimes. What about grease from a mechanic's hands? Sometimes. I just like using swarfiga. Swarfiga. Or Vicks Vrave for rub. That's nice. Sometimes I just like using Swarfiga. Swarfiga. Or Vicks Vapourub. That's nice. What about Targabalm? Spicy. If I'm in the mood.

Spicy wank. Put nothing crazy. Blisters. No. Pop the blisters. No. Pop the blisters on your penis. Put lavender on it. Rub it with lavender oil. Why would you do that? Because you can have a wank that goes straight to sleep. It's nice, yeah. Soothing. Soothing. Soothing.

It's like, oh. Is there anything in this book about wanking? No. Oh, okay. Nothing about wanking at all. The meanies toilet. Toilet meanie tips.

That's good, isn't it? Okay, good, yeah. Because, you know. What does it say? Wash your toilet, youilet meanie tips. That's good, isn't it? Yeah. Because, you know. What does it say? Wash your toilet, you dirty ass. Vaseline. Ooh. Tiny one pound pots of Vaseline with a tint for rosy lips.

Should female meanies need more convincing of its thrifty chic, they can also use Vaseline as makeup remover, nail protector, eye highlighter, shoe and leather cleaner and hair styling product. Male meanies, however, will find it works well to prevent corrosion on the battery terminals of the car. This book is so dull, mate. It's very old people, isn't it? More olive oil.

What else can do with olive oil? Just make-up, shower caps. What can you do with these? They make brilliant containers for storing shoes and a suitcase. Oh, fuck off. They also work for covering bowls in a suitcase. Oh, fuck off. They also work for covering bowls in the fridge. Oh, that makes more sense. Yeah, but come on.

It's not the greatest one. Do you know what also works to cover shoes in a suitcase? A plastic bag. Yeah, a plastic bag. That's all you need. Toothpaste. Toothpaste. For zits.

Have you ever did that? No. If you've got a really big, nasty, greasy spot, put some toothpaste on it. It dries it right out, and it feels like your face is getting sucked into a black hole as it dries it and pulls your face. So you get a good visceral sensation.

I remember when I had a splinter in my hand, I was advised to just put tea tree oil on it, and that would do the same thing. It would draw it out the splinter out. It dries. Yeah, tea tree has a sort of And that would do the same thing. It would draw it out the splinter out. It dries. Yeah, tea tree has a sort of drying effect. So it kind of pours the splinter out. Yeah.

And it worked. Did it? And I got to get these tweezers. And I yanked it. And I was like, ugh. Quite a bad splinter, though. Oh, it was a huge one. It was a proper big, huge one.

Ay. Right in my meat of my thumb, basically, or whatever they call that. The heel of the thumb. Yeah. Yeah. Right in there. And I couldn't quite get it. I was picking at it for ages. That's what my dad used to tell me. The heel of the film. Yeah. Yeah. Right in there. And like, it wasn't, I couldn't quite get it.

I was picking it up for ages. So my dad used to tell me. You get breaking off. Then my dad used to, when I got a splinter, because I'd be really sort of paranoid, like,

you know, it's there, what can I do? Yeah. He'd say, if you don't get it out in time, it goes into your veins and goes into your heart

and kills you. That's not true. No. What a horrible thing for a father to say to a child. If you lose it now, you're going to be dead in a year. I used to really think, oh, it might kill me. Well, anyway.

Rubbing a blob of toothpaste onto hands after cutting onions and garlic removes the smell. It cleans crayon from walls. A coat of toothpaste applied to and then wiped off swimming goggles or mirrors prevents fogging. Oh. And if your toothpaste falls in the sink, a quick rub around the taps will make chrome gleam. Gleam.

I said gleam. You said gleam. And you said drips and drobs as well. Shut up. Prick. Curb cold calls. The price of thrift is eternal vigilance. A relaxing evening can often be ruined

by cold calls from people with geordie accents offering to sell you financial... It's a bit racist, isn't it? It from people with geordie accents. Offering to sell you financial services or a dream kitchen to prevent dangerous spikes in blood pressure or buying a new kitchen. Register with the telephone preference service. It's

free and means any British company must check your number against the list before they call or face a £5,000 fine. Sorry to get dry about this. Oh, he's getting dry. But the telephone's preference service will only prevent sales calls. Oh. Research calls will not be prevented by it because you're allowed to call if you just want to conduct some research.

Okay, Paul? That's my dry bit. Very dry. Also, it won't prevent calls from abroad, which is the real scammers tend to be from abroad, and then they try and get you to change something on your computer or something. This is book. This is book.

This is book. This is Mike. This is book. This is head. And it's basically for old miserable pricks. It's a toilet book with no humour. Really has no humour. You played 50p too much for that shit.

I thought it'd be good for the show. It wasn't, was it? It wasn't, was it? Read one out. Come on, let's see if we can... Collect around 10 old shower or curtain rings and slide them onto a sturdy coat hanger. That makes for a compact and efficient storage space for ties

and scarves and prevents them from getting creased. Fuck me. What medicine cabinet? Can I get high off my own supply? That's not what it says. Can I make makeshift speed using like mouthwash or something?

Does it have something like that? What happens if I drink mouthwash? You get drunk. It's got lots of alcohol in it. But it'll probably make you fucking

vomit as well. Don't do it now. I'm going to go do it now. We need to liven this section up. Shall I go drink some mouthwash?

No. Dental hygiene is Linda who, despite being furnished with huge amounts of freebie mouthwash, insists that she knows better.

You can't read. You put me off because you're talking over me. You're very bad at reading out loud. Linda gets loads of freebie mouthwash. Oh yeah. I bet she does. Shut up. I'll give you some freebie. I've got a freebie

for you. Shut up. I've got a freebie for you Vera. Dental hygienist. Linda, whatever. Hello. I'll spank in your mouth. Fucking hell. She says she knows better than using mouthwash because, although it might kill off useful bacteria, it can increase blood pressure and it contains alcohol. She recommends trying a very dilute solution of humble table salt.

Salt water treats gingivitis and is a natural disinfectant. That's true. And it's been used by mouthwash by numerous cultures around the world. Just rinse and spit. People used to use salt for just the toothpaste didn't they? Can you imagine

how joyless that was? And it used to use urine as well of the old Romans that old chestnut. They used to well what they used

they stored their urine in an old chestnut and then rubbed that on their teeth did they? I just thought with that whole spit and rinse you would have made another knob sucking

reference at the end but I guess you missed it. Sucky knob, sucky knob knob, knob, knob knob, knob, knob suck, suck, suck. You know what? I don't often apologise on this show.

But you do. Every week you apologise. Yeah, but not sincerely. But I sincerely apologise for that section of the show. That was awful. I thought it might add something and teach us a little bit. What have we got coming up on the show, Paul? Magic.

Yay! Yay! Join with me as we go on a mystical trip through the mind where things are not what you expect them to be. Oh, fuck off. That's so weak. Try again. A kingdom of illusion that I am going to welcome you in as a guest.

You're doing a Twilight Zone. I am magician Alan Bourbon. Fuck off. And Alan Bourbon. Fuck off. And Alan Bourbon invites you into his magic realm. Paul, can I just make a little... I've just got a little note about this. Yeah. Your magician name should be the Great Ganon.

The Great Ganonski. Ganonini. Yeah. I am the Great Ganonini. Yeah. And I welcome you to my magic circus. And I'm Linda to my magic circus. And I'm Linda Schavansky.

My beautiful assistant. Doesn't she look wonderful, ladies and gentlemen? I've got a degree. So let's now delve into the magical world of magic. So yeah, we're going to do magic. Because I really like magic. I love magicians. But I don't want to really do magic.

Do you love them like hell? No, I like the craft. Oh, you've got posters of them. No, I just like the craft. And you think, ooh. I'd love to be a rabbit in his hat. Yeah? I'd like him to tug me by the ears. I'd love to be a rabbit in his hat. Yeah. I'd like him to tug me by the ears. I'd love to be an elephant poorly treated backstage

by him. Oh. I'd love to be put in a box and skewered with daggers. Fuck that. I'd like him to put his fake sword in my cunt.

Too much. Too much. Too much. I'd like him to put his fake sword into my cunt. So anyway. You said it twice.

I know. Very poor. So you like magic, Paul. Has this been from a young age? Yeah, from a young age. I know a few tricks. I can do bits and bobs, as was seen in the Britain's Got Talent episode of Barshens.

That will be out. It's already out by now. It's already out. Check it out on YouTube. Barshens, yeah. I had an experience with doing magic as a child, Paul, that put me off for life. Go on. Me and my friend, that put me off for life. Go on.

I, me and my friend, Virgil, went for a magician's course. We were like young teenagers and we were at the Unicorn Children's Theatre. They used to do courses in showbiz things, you know, like magic or whatever. And we did a magic course. It was like a week long. You went in, it was quite intense. You went in every day and they taught you bits and pieces about magicianship yeah

or whatever and then at the end on the last day you did a performance and everyone's parents came in yeah so far with you

got it it's a nice story you're telling and then after everyone's done their little trick there was some feedback from the parents

yeah right on everyone else's yeah it's a bit harsh isn't it yeah but it was all sort of positive. And I did a card trick.

My parents didn't come. Why didn't they come? I don't know. They just didn't. They were somewhere else or whatever. I think I might have been staying with them. They might have been gone on holiday and I was staying with Virgil for a couple of weeks.

They were on a swingers weekend. They were not on a swingers weekend. My dad would nosh him off. No, they weren't. Your parents are Satanists. They were on a swingers weekend. They were not on a swingers weekend. Your mum and dad were noshing off fucking Mr and Mrs Griswold. Your parents are Satanists. So it's better than being a bunch of dirty swingers. It's not the sect they're in.

You don't know? You don't know what sect they're in. They're in the climbing a box of cow feces and live their sect. At least my parents aren't fucking going to put all their keys in a bowl. They're not going to swingers. And dogging. I bet your parents did dogging. First generation doggers,

your parents, I bet you. Anything else? No. No. So my parents didn't come along. I can't learn anything. My parents didn't come along

for whatever reason. Dogging. And everyone, all the little Timmies and Janes, they're not dogging. They weren't dogging. Yeah, they were.

All the little Tims and Janes and Sarahs and Billys and Tommys. Yeah, all right. All the generic names for children you can think of. They do their little trick. Everyone would clap and the parents go, oh, that was very good. Yeah. I did mine.

Everyone got positive feedback. I did mine. Yeah. And all the parents were like, oh, this seemed a bit shifty. And it put me off for life. Other people's parents dissing me. Oh, because if your parents have been there... Apparently I wasn't good for magic

because I look like I'm trying to do... And your hands are very stumpy. You don't have the dexterity, I don't think, for magic. That is not true. I don't think you do. Right, I'm sick of you. Yeah? Yeah.

On a level, I'm sick of you trying to say my stumpy hands are undexterous so we I'm going to challenge you to dexterity

competition how do this give me a coin you can't do it I haven't got a coin look I'm

fucking you don't have coin alright here we go what size coin it's a chip right can you do this he's rolling the chip over his hand, over his fingers, in a cascade style.

Can you do that? Okay, so you've seen what I did, Paul. I've never done it before, though. You've had practice. Well, you're not fucking dexterous. Let me have a go. You fucking stump-handed cunt. Let me have a go, then.

Which hand's going to be best for me? You can sort of do it. Yeah! Fuck off. Don't ever try and say I'm not dexterous. I've worked as a croupier. You stumpy hand teen yeti. Yes.

Like it, actually. Yeah. Here he comes again. No. Continuity. Wasn't it in the last episode that we recorded first and then we'll go out next? No, it was in this episode. Was it?

Go ahead. Well, hello, Paul. I'm back. I'm a teen yeti. Oh, he's my favourite new appalling character. What would you like me to do? Clean my fur? I'm a jolly little Teen Yeti.

Right, well, anyway. What would you like me to do, Paul? Watch your magic. Don't ever call Eli Stumpyhand an undexterous again. Because you'll get a little visit from Teen Yeti in the night. Oh, well, that's exciting. And he'll come along and he'll bite you. Go on, will he?

He'll bite you. Right. I'll bite you and I'll still... This is the port. Do you have any fruit yoghurts like Ski? No. Does Ski exist anymore? No, I don't know.

Well, we've got it here in Austria. Where's this going? I'll bite you if you call my friend Clumsy ever again. I'll bite you in the night and I'll nick your fruit flavoured yoghurts. Just get some in. Could you get some in? Get some fruit flavoured. I like Yakult as well.

Okay. Mate. Get some in. Stop this. I am hanging around. I want to get on with the show. What show?

The magic show. There's no show. It's just you being a cunt. I like magic. I like buying magic tricks. I'm off then. I'm going to go then. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. I like magic. I like buying magic tricks. I'm off then. I'm going to go then. Bye, team.

Well, did I miss anything? I'm back. It's Eli. I'm back. No, you just missed one of the worst improvisational comedy this podcast ever had to release. So you like magic, blah, blah, blah. And there was two books that I used to love reading as a kid. One of them was, I can't remember the name of the author.

The Joy of Sex. No, but... And Mein Kampf. Fuck off! The Joy of Sex and Mein Kampf. Yeah, two books. It was your fucking staple. There was a History of Magic book that was a big, thick one.

Apparently, it's a starter's book for most big people who will get into magic seriously. I was gifted it, and it's a big, a big huge thick book i think i've put a picture of it up on instagram at one point i did actually want to be a card magician for a little while and i got a book which is still i believe is one of the most respected books in card magic called the the royal road to card magic oh very and it has all the very basic slides you do like keeping a card at the back of the deck while shuffling and all of that sort of has all the very basic slights you do like keeping a card at the back of the deck while shuffling and all of that sort of stuff

all the kind of entry level stuff you need to know to master the harder trick it's an amazing thing isn't it yeah it really is card magic especially I like coin magic

yeah it's all of this close up stuff that's where the real skill you can study that shit for years you have to practice for hours yeah

and it's like and that's why I like watching Penn and Teller Fooled You or Fooled Us whatever it's called you know when magicians go on they have to do a trick that somehow pen and teller can't explain and you see some amazing magic it's like bill and teller know pretty much how all of it's done it's whether they go i don't know have any idea how you did that facet of that trick and so you fooled us yeah so it's it's a broader general kind of

pass but the producer has to know how all the tricks work. So there's some kind of mediation. Do you like big illusions? Do you prefer that kind of close-up coin? Close-up is fascinating because close-up is where I think the artistry is. With special effects and crowd effects, you can make anything happen, like floating

on stage. But there's still a sort of skill to constructing it. I saw a stage show when I was young in like the West End in a theatre in the West End it was like an illusion show like a big

two guys doing it and there was like they disappeared elephants off the stage it had really big stuff going on and that was pretty cool

I mean you know in Regent Street there used to be a place called the Egyptian Theatre and that was a big it was a magic theatre no it was a science theatre so there used to be a place called the Egyptian Theatre. It was a magic theatre? No, it was a science theatre.

So they used to do lectures and things there, but it became known for where a magician would test out their big illusions because the stage was perfectly sized for early levitation and Pepper's Ghost was first tried there. Which is the very famous illusion where you have an angled piece of glass and then someone below it and it's almost like a holographic image appears but the glass is right across the stage

so the audience shouldn't really see it which is why it's hard to do on stage because you need a pane of glass big enough and it's hard to do the largest one

in existence is the Haunted Mansion in Disney World for the ballroom dancing that's a big Pepper's Ghost Illusion anyway there's a book

by a guy called Jim Steinmeier and he wrote a book called Hiding the Elephant and it tells you the history of big illusion magic so for the longest time

it was elephants being the thing aren't they really you know illusions were all in the past you know at most extravagant

the rope and the boy climbing into the clouds Indian rope trick yeah or it was cups and balls and coins and cards

now the Indian rope trick has been is a trick that people do, isn't it? It's an urban legend, though. Is it really? Because Penn & Teller did a documentary when they went to try and see it done for real. So it doesn't really actually happen?

There's always a, oh, the weather's changed, we can't now do it, boy, climb down. Okay. Because the original trick is he's meant to climb up into the clouds. And then he disappears. And the rope falls. And gets chopped up.

And then his body parts fall down. Oh, really? Then he puts them back in the basket. So what they do is they do the trick where he climbs the rope, which you can do with a rod or something. And then they call it off before it gets to the end. But still quite impressive. Still quite impressive.

So that book, Hanging Elephant, talks about the history of illusions on stage. So like, you know, Houdini, who famously, it was interesting, Houdini was known as a magician, but he was an amazing escapologist. Not a very good magician because he didn't have the dexterity that he wanted. And he thought, I know, similar to someone I know.

But he also did a hiding the elephant trick. And I can't remember, it's in the book, but the basic gist is, is that he did this trick on this stage, I think the Hippodrome in New York, which is a huge, massive stage. And the idea is, the elephant comes out on stage,

he puts it in a wagon, rotates it, and the elephant's gone. Trap door? Doesn't matter. The point is that the theatre was so big that when he did the trick, let's just say there's 1,000 people in the audience, 600 went, oh, that's amazing!

Because they're in the exact eyeline they need to be to see the tricks successful. Everyone else in the wings or above were like, oh, he's walking out the back. Because they could see around tricks successful. Everyone else in the wings or above were like, oh, he's walking out the back because they could see he was so big. So he always wanted to be like a big illusionist, but he was always the escapologist guy. And that was kind of his turmoil in terms of the performer. So a lot of comedians...

He was lucky he didn't die doing the escapology, really, wasn't he? Well, there's rumours that there's a big book that positions the idea that he worked for spy agencies before the First World War. Because he was only the few people in the whole world who would get into Russia, for example. Because they would say, come perform for us. But as a result, he could see inside the inner workings of what was the KGB back then. So anyway, all these things I really like. I like the history of magic.

I like the people who go out of their way to make big illusions. I like the hand that's close up. Do you think there's a place for it really in today's world? Yeah. Do kids still get impressed with it? It's about how you present it, right? Because Thord you, Thord us, whatever the show is with Penn and Teller, great way of performing magic because there's a bit of a challenge element to it.

But then there's no claim that it is actual conjuring. No. But it's about celebrating the art of it. That sort of, ooh, how did I do it? It must have been actual magic. The wonder of making you think, oh, you know? That's why it works.

We are, because of the form that existed, where let's say, for example, Paul Daniels, who we'll get to, his magic show was very clean, very safe, kind of cheesy, but he got,

his patter was so good, it never felt cheesy. Whereas, who's the big magician? David Copperfield. kind of cheesy but he got his patter was so good it never felt cheesy whereas who's the big magician David Copperfield who would do very garish highly produced

floating around sleeping making the Eiffel Tower disappear and it's all just a bit sort of melodramatic and sort of cheesy yeah

so it's hard to sell magic because it has that stigma of cheesiness but there's beautiful work going on yeah so you know if you want to learn magic why don't you start i like those kind of specialists like there's like there's guys um

who do had just one trick that they're the best in the world at yeah you know like the guy who smokes like 400 cigarettes you don't him yeah yeah yeah and he takes them all into his mouth and they come out and it's crazy yeah it's crazy that's a crazy one and there's a guy there's people who like bubble specialists i always find those ones fascinating yeah and it's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. That's a crazy one. And there's people who are like bubble specialists. I always find those ones fascinating. Yeah. And there's ones who just do birds, who like produce about, you know, by the end of their bit.

They've shot 40 birds. There's like a whole stage full of pigeons. There's a bird. There's a duck. There's a goose. There's a roe deer. I'll tell you what I did. There's an owl.

That the other day was like a goose's neck. Right. It was like a swan's neck. Thanks the other day was like a goose's neck. Right. It was like a swan's neck. Thanks for that. A brown swan's neck. Yeah. You made us. Yeah, I get it.

Don't belittle me. What have you got to show me then, Paul? Right. So I thought when I was buying magic in my early days, there was a little magic set. I got the Paul Daniel set. You know, that was all nice. I got a little micro set.

There must have been a massive seller, the Paul Daniel. Oh, yeah. It was a huge seller for years I think that I bought one again recently to give to my girlfriend because I used to

do magic tricks for her that's how I wooed her online and she used to laugh because I was like this is a shit trick but she loved it so I did more

so I said you've got to do a magic trick for me and so I bought her a magic set and she has to learn a trick yeah ping pong

balls how fucking dare you how dare you suggest that you ask my girl I asked my girlfriend to fire ping pong balls. How fucking dare you? How dare I? How dare you suggest that you ask my girl, I ask my girlfriend, to fire ping pong balls from her lower parting? Yes. Lady parting. Yeah. Well, no, I didn't.

I asked her to do some finger work. They make noises like that. Flop. Flop, flop, flop, flop, flop. Pa-tong, pa-tong, pa-tong, pa-tong. You're pathetic today. Pa-tong, pa-tong, pa-tong. So what are you going to show?

Are you going to show us some magic then? So I used to buy my magic sets from like pound shops and stuff like that. So you've bought more than one? Oh, in my time, yeah. I've bought high-end tricks. As a child, did you ever sort of harbour ambitions? A little bit. But I never really...

I did, but it is... You have to have a lot of discipline. I don't have the patience. Yeah, in practice. If I can't learn it like that, I don't want to do it. Yeah, yeah. You know? So that was my issue as well.

So I would buy cheap little magic show tricks. And also I was told I was shifty by a bunch of parents. They were just like, Timmy, that was brilliant. That was absolutely brilliant. Yes, little Johnny. Oh, that was brilliant.

Wonderful. Oh, so good. Oh, I was convinced you're going to be the next Paul Daniel. All right, Eli. All right. That was fucking shifty. Terrible.

Yeah. Where's your dad? Fucking swinging, is he? Yeah. All right. That was fucking shifty. Terrible. Yeah. Where's your dad? Fucking swinging, is he? Yeah. Fuck off. Noshing off some old fucking biddy on the four-cortina. Oh, Paul. Anyway, I would buy magic sets.

I can't believe you'd sell it. Let me start this fucking segment. You're the one who started going about shifty. Magic shifty. You're looking shifty. You're looking shifty. Get over it. It's a long time ago.

Let it go. Let it go. That's what I... Let it go. All right. Right? So, I'd buy Magic's tricks, and I thought, what can I buy in charity shops?

Magic tricks, blah, blah, blah. So... Well, well... It's going to be a bigger sale, but you keep putting me off. I just want to get the Magic tricks out. Well, got it. You got it out.

Look, and now that's a pocket Magic, pocket tricks. Marvin's Deluxe. Marvin's Magic is a big... He's one of the big magic toy sellers in the UK. Maybe the world, I don't know, but definitely UK. And you've got on the cover there a picture of a magician, very cartoony. He's got some cards and he's got a magic wand

and a bowler hat and the cape. The whole thing. Tricks in there. 45p from Salvation Army. It's part of a range of different tricks. Is it complete? It says it. It's not.

It's a bit disappointed. But it's a bunch of different tricks in there. It's a bunch of different tricks in there. 25, it says in the pack, in fact. Yeah. Are you going to show us something? I'm going to try to, but it's a bit tough because you've seen how it all works. But here's a trick.

You get a little dice. See the little dice with the... Can I examine the dice? No, because otherwise you see the trick works. This is the point I'm going to get to in a trick. You get a little dice. See the little dice with the... Can I examine the dice? No, because otherwise you'll see the trick works. This is the point I'm going to get to in a minute. Okay. So you've got this dice in a little glass tumbler. It looks like a normal dice from here.

Right. Put the lid on. Put the lid on. Say something. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to make this... Say the magic words. I'm going to make this cube shatter. Shatter into a million pieces.

All right. Right. Here we go. Three, two, one. And it's now gone into six little red cubes instead. Can you turn it back? No. Do you know why?

That is very unimpressive. You did have a little bit of wonder in your eyes, though, when I did it. There was a little bit of wonder that came over your eyes, then you were like, ah. Then you instantly saw how it was done. Yeah. Because the cube is magnet with a little magnet on the top and there's a magnet in the lid so it attaches to the lid when you shake it and they fall out yeah but look the cube comes out

off the top of the lid so you can see it so you've got to hold it it's not very well particular yeah you do hold it with that angle yeah you know you gotta you gotta do it yeah just a little bit of an angle works i mean but still you'd think it's a very unimpressive toy but again it looks like a nice place to store weed it does

but there's no clasp on it and stuff it's not it'd be a waste of time and then you've got a pack of cards so you can do two out of ten Paul

yeah pack of cards so you can do all kinds of different tricks and those are trick cards are they I don't think so they're just normal cards

this unique pack allows you to perform many incredible card tricks it must be done and even the whole so you can do all kinds of different tricks. And those are trick cards, are they? I don't think so. They're just normal cards. This unique pack allows you to perform many incredible card tricks. Yeah, it must be done. And even change the whole deck into your chosen card. Maybe you're right. Maybe these are fixed. We've got two jokers. Seven.

Oh, it looks normal. There's lots of eights of diamonds. Oh, yeah, there's loads of eights of diamonds. So there must be a trick. Oh, look at all the eights. Fuck me, there's shitloads of eights of diamonds and some blank ones. So there you go. There must be some cards. Yeah, there you go. Well, where's the book that tells you how to do it? There it is, look at all these. Fuck me, there's shitloads of H diamonds and some blank ones. So there you go.

There must be some... Yeah, there you go. Well, where's the book that tells you how to do it? There it is, a little booklet here. All right, let's have a look here. I bet if it's a proper magic set, it'd be nice. Rainbow blocks. Yeah, that's this one.

So what happens is, Eli, there's these three blocks, right? There's red, blue, and yellow, right? You have to put... Can I examine those? Yeah, but here's what you've got to do. You've got to pick one and put it in this little bag that has a little question mark on. And not tell you.

Yeah, and then hand me the bag. Okay. Hand it over to me now. Yeah. So I'm going to close my eyes. You pick one and put it in. Tell me when you've put it in the bag and then put it in my hand.

Just the bag? With the blocking, yeah, obviously. And then what do I do with the other blocks? Just hide them out of the way so I can't see them. So you can't see. Yeah, so I have to guess which is worn in your bag, all right? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Tell me when. I've done it. Hand me the bag. There you go. Don't look in the top. I'm going to have a think. That is, I've got my eyes closed.

I'm feeling, I'm feeling, it's coming to me. Is it, is it yellow? Yes. How did you do that? I'm going, it's coming to me. Is it yellow? Yes. How did you do that? I'm going to just try it again. I'm going to close my eyes. You're going to put another one in the box. I'm going to use all my psychic powers to guess the colour of the block

that Eli is putting in the mystery bag. I'm using my psychic powers, which are real things. All right. One of the blocks has gone in Bobby's barbecue sticky ribs packet. Rescue it. It might smell a bit of barbecue ribs. But just rescue it.

You'll know from the smell now. No, I won't, because don't put that one in then, you dickhead. Well, which one is that? I don't know, do I? Don't call me a dickhead. Just fucking give me the bag. They've all got a bit greasy.

Come on. They've all got a bit greasy, Paul. It's fine. Just get on with the fucking trick. Put one in the bag now and hand it to a bit greasy. Come on. They've all got a bit greasy, Paul. It's fine. Just get on with the fucking trick. Put one in the bag now and hand it to me. Fuck me. The bag's broken.

Just fucking put it. That's how you do it. It's not. There you go. Right. Keep your eyes closed and then tell me. All right.

I'm thinking. Is this red? Yeah. Yeah. It must be a ridge on the cube. Similar. What is it then? Tell me. It's the edge. It must be a ridge on the cube. Similar. Right.

What is it then, tell me? It's the edge. Edges. It's the beveled edges. That's curved, and then they're both curved, and that one doesn't have any curves on it, so red is flat. Ah. And I just have to touch the bag.

You just have to touch both edges. Yeah. Well, that's the best one so far, I think. It's a nice little trick. Yeah. It's just an encoded object. Yeah. Essentially.

It's no different from marked cards or that kind of thing, you know. And, you know, you can probably get the other 24 tricks from this park. From the cards, yeah. And the little booklet. Not a bad little set, Paul. I wouldn't be... You know, if I was into that, I might have a little bit of fun with that as a kid. You know?

What do you think? You think shit? Yeah. I think it sucks a bit when they say it's got 25 tricks in it, but then it gives you two, and then the rest of it's all in the book, and you can do that with anything. Like, oh, you can get it in any book. Any magic book will probably have the exact same magic tricks.

So there's not a lot of kit. They oversell how much kit is actually in there. But for 45p, it's a present for a little kiddie wink. It wasn't 45p, though, originally. It must have been about... Well, then again, if I'd have bought that for full price which would have been about I'd have to say

eight, nine quid I'd have been fuck off mate. Yeah. I would have been really disappointed. Yeah. However that's not

what got to me. That's not what we came here for today. No. No. What's going on? I was in a charity shop in Twickenham and I went into

a little charity shop and I saw another little magic set going for a pound. I saw another little magic set. Going for a pound. I bought it from the lady. And I thought that was sound. I took it home.

I took it to bits. And I found that every fucking magic trick was absolutely shit. Because I'm a shit old magician. And I've got a shitty box. Get it out then, Paul. Was it really bad? This is worse, is it? Now, this is a different brand, Funtastic, who, if you're a follower of Ashen's channel,

Funtastic is the toy brand that makes the toys for Poundland. It's all the cheap, nafty toys made by Funtastic. Right? Yeah. It's got five tricks in it. It's just a simply magic it

says. Five tricks in but don't worry about hiding the secrets. Tricks with coins it says. All kinds of

bits and bobs actually. But yeah predominantly a coin magic thing. Now don't worry about all those secrets though

because they've just printed every instruction on the back. Brilliant. So you know already you think where's my little

magic book that hides my secrets? Well, you could just take a photo of that and then just nick it, rip it. Well, you could do that as well, but you don't have the props due to the tricks. Right. So you need it. Are you going to perform any of this for me now? I would love to have.

To have, in the past. Is this a time travel thing? No, it's because there's almost no point. Oh. You get Tricks with Coins, magic tricks and products from me as your friends and guests five years and above. Welcome to a world full of magic, mystery from mystery. So you're saying...

Some tricks aren't too bad. Oh, show us one then. Alright, hang on. Well, I'll get this one out the way because it's broke. Because originally this was a little coin and the idea is you have two of these and you scrunch your hand and the idea is you have two of these, and you scrunch your hand,

and the two coins become one, right? Right. But that's because there's two coins in your hand, and one's got a little indentation that you push the second one into. They slot into each other. So it looks like it's one. However, if you're going to get the illusion to look right, see how perfectly the bullseye design is on that coin?

Yes. That's a bit fucking sloppy. It's all skew-iff. Yeah. Right off the centre. So you'd know instantly. No, that wasn't the one. Exactly.

So that's shit, isn't it? It kind of looked like the type of magic tricks you might get in a cracker. They're sort of that standard. They are very cheap plastic tricks, these. Very, very cheap plastic. So hang on. Have I got a coin I can use? Not too thick.

God. So this trick is fine. This one kind of works. Let's use a penny. All right. I'm going to use this as a little thing. Right, okay. You go, oh, look, I'm going to hide this coin from you

on this black piece of paper, right? I'm going to put a post-it note on top of the ring. I'm going to put the first ring on top, and I'm going to seal that piece of post-it note with the of the ring. I'm going to put the first ring on top and I'm going to seal that piece of post-it note with the second yellow ring on top. Right? Wibbly, wibbly, woo. And then if I remove the thing,

oh, the penny is gone. Then if I slide the thing back in, wibbly, wibbly, woo, remove that, remove that and that, and look, the coin is back. I see how it's done now. You see how it's done now? I did, yeah.

You messed that up. But yeah, that's reasonable. Yeah, but look. The idea is that this second yellow ring has a piece of black paper which matches the black paper that you do it on. It doesn't though, really. It's like a bit lighter. It's a bit lighter.

But I didn't notice. Did you not notice? No, that fooled me at first. Oh, that surprised me. I didn't think that would surprise me. That's quite effective. You go, oh. Yeah, yeah.

That works for me. Or something like that. It was something like that. I can't remember how you fucking do it now. Fine. That's fine. Passable. It works.

Unlike that one. That can't work because it's badly constructed. Exactly. You're picking up speed. Is there much more of this? I'm really losing the will to... That's it. All right, good.

Disappointed is what I am. Then there's this trick. Oh, I've seen that before. You're meant to put a little coin in... Is it always just a coin? Fucking does that. ...draw, you push it in the slot, and then, oh, it goes.

But do you know what it doesn't do? Anything. It doesn't go in the draw. Why? Because there's meant to be a little pin in it that pushes a secret compartment, which moves your coin out of view. Yeah.

Right? When I first tried it, it just came out. This deadly fucking nail just plopped out the bottom of this fucking thing. Yeah. Look at that. It looks rusty as well.

Doesn't look great. It looks like it's factory shavings that they've stuck into a toy. That's meant to be inside of this, about there. So when you push the drawer in, see? It pushes it, yeah. It pushes it.

But it's badly constructed. I mean, mate. What's all that about? But get, this is my favourite one. This is a great little trick, this one, really. It's the idea of the penetrative coin trick. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I can't really do it because I don't have a coin big enough. But you'd put a big disc inside one half of the compartment. You'd put the lid on. And look, like a box with holes in it so that you skew a dagger. You can do that, right? Stick them through there.

And you're meant to stick it through and you penetrate the coin. Here we go. About to take a nail and push it through the lid. It's in. It doesn't work because the coin's not the right size. It doesn't work.

But get this. This is where it gets fun. Put this one in. Doesn't go through the hole. The nail is too fat to go through the hole in the toy. Ah, they haven't done the hole properly. Let's try this one. Oh, no.

That one won't go into making the trick work at all. Let's try this third one, the third out of it. No, there you go. Three out of the five nails don't penetrate the actual lid itself, let alone the coin. That's shit, isn't it? It's just a load of shit.

A pound I got that for from Funtastic. And you know what? It wasn't worth a pound. Really fucking not. That is so going in the bin as soon as I've done this segment. Well, I don't blame you. Disgusting waste of time. That is so going in the bin as soon as I've done this segment. Well, I don't blame you. Disgusting waste of time. That's not too bad.

Do you think that would put people off magic for life? Yeah. Yeah? It'd put me off. Yeah? I wanted to do magic tricks for all my family and friends. Would you decide to be a sewage worker instead? Yeah.

I'd rather shovel shit than be a magician. You heard it fair first. Some people would say it's the same thing. That face that no one can see. I'm doing a magician. You heard it fair first. Some people would say it's the same thing. That face that no one can see. I'm doing a face. Why? Yeah, no reason. So angry about that.

What are you going to do to fix it? I could... What are you going to do to make this better for me? I could... Oh, you know what I could do, Paul? I've got that oil burner

from last time. I could put some clove oil in there. No, we're not doing clove from last time. I could put some clove oil in there. No, we're not doing clove oil shit again. I could smell some clove oil. Fuck off. Do you want to smell some clove oil? I want to talk about that Paul Daniels album.

I want to talk about Paul Daniels albums since we're doing magic. Okay. So you had a collection of records, one of which of them is the Paul Daniels Magic Album. Yes, I've recently inherited a quite large collection of LPs.

Yeah. Various types, and there's a Magic Circle record in there. Which is lovely, yellow vinyl. Which is just sort of people explaining how to do tricks, right? Now, I want to get them. They're outside, I need to get them. They're there. Oh, yeah. So here I want to get them. They're outside. I need to get them. They're there. Oh, yeah.

So here's what I think happened. Paul Daniels, at this time, probably a reasonably big magician in the UK. He was sort of like, he kind of crossed over into sort of,

like you say, like a comedian, like a slight entertainment. He was a bit of an entertainer, wasn't he, as well? Yeah. I don't know why. I always found him unbearable,

I have to say. He's a little bit acerbic to the point where it's unpleasant at times, you know? Also, you're going to like this not a lot. It's a terrible catchphrase.

You'll like this not a lot. Because he's trying to undercut his own pomposity, I guess, by saying, you'll like this not a lot.

Like, measure expectations. It just became grating. Yeah. 1980, the Magic Circle released a vinyl album. Yes. Now, the Magic Circle released a vinyl album. Yes, now the Magic Circle

is the worldwide organisation of, it's like the Magicians Union. Magicians, yeah. And you have to learn a trick and perform

in front of a grand jury and then that's how you get in. Really? You don't have to fool them though? No. You just have to do it well.

Paul Daniels, TV magician, he's part of the Magic Circle. Was he like the head and the chairman? No. He's probably, you know probably well regarded within the circle

but if you know him you probably thought he was a gobshite. Checks and balances. Checks and balances. Can I just say one thing? What? Justice for Debbie. Why? Because when he died his family rounded on her and didn't want to give her any of the money. Not a lot. Not a lot. I did that gag

before. Right. So Paul Daniels is on this. Every track on this album is a magician doing a trick or talking you through a puzzle. And, you know, it's exciting. Any other names I might recognise there? Ali Bongo you might recognise. Yeah, he was on telly quite a bit, wasn't he?

To be honest, if you look at the back of all these magicians, apart from one or two, they all look like fucking bank managers. They do look very sober. Ali Bongo doesn't. He's a bit wacky. He's totally wacky. He's a character.

Paul Daniels. David Burglars has that look, that kind of occult, like, you know, hypnotising and do things to you. Come back to my apartment.

Yeah. He has got that kind of, yes. Ignorant. Brian King. And now that's a photo of him that isn't a proper headshot. You can see it's been taken in a photo booth. Yeah. Why has he got that kind of, yes. Ignorant. Brian King. And now that's a photo of him. That isn't a proper headshot. You can see it's been taken in a photo booth.

Yeah. Why has he got that? He's grinning like he fucking just ate a ham sandwich as well. What happened? He's like, oh, look, I've got a ham sandwich in my lap. No, what happened? What's he called him up? Brian, you're going to be on the album, mate.

Oh, that's really interesting. Thank you very much. Have you got a press shot so we can put you on the back? Yeah, give me five minutes. And he runs out and goes to the fucking chemist, jumps in the booth, click, click, click, click, cuts and sends that on. That's what they use.

They say, he says he's a writer in advertising by Dave. He understands advertising. He should do a better job of advertising his own fucking face. You know what he looks like as well? Bob's Burgers. Yeah. And there's Kavari again. Look, he looks like as well? Bob's Burgers. Yeah. And there's Kavari. Again, look, he's pretty cool.

Some of them look like bank managers, but some of them look pretty showbiz to me. He looks like... Kavari looks like a proper old school magician. Nice waxed moustache with a curl on. Lovely. Yeah, this is what? So, some of the magicians are doing kind of puzzles

and some of them are doing very easy card tricks that you can copy just by listening. Some are talking about their craft. There's a whole section here about, if we open it up, the vanishing piano, how we do that on stage with a basic floor plan. Okay, so that's not something you'd actually want to copy at home. It's just sort of how you do it.

Yeah, a proper magician or a person who's into magic would really want this record. You think? It's kind of like a gateway drug to hard magic. Okay. And if you play it backwards, it's the lyrics of a rock song. That was not well thought out.

No. Try that again. If you play this magic album backwards, you get the lyrics to a rock and roll song. What song? Try again. Now try again, Paul. This whole joke, it's really...

If you play this magic album backwards, you get the lyrics to... Oh, God. We Will Rock You by Queen. Really? No, now, actually, Paul, I've taken the liberty here. Yeah.

I often do, and I've actually recorded it backwards. And if you'd just like to press the play on the tape now. Okay, I'll do that now. Put it in my arse. You're such a fucking arsehole. Such a stupid. Fucking pathetic arsehole. Have you stupid. Fucking pathetic arsehole.

Have you knocked all my shit down there? No. What shit? Any of my shit that might be there. Is this the end of the section yet? No, because I'm bringing this up, this Magic Circle album, that I definitely want to have off you. Well, we'll see what the going price is.

It was released in 1980. 1980. And the first track of it is done by Paul Daniels, right? Yeah, he's probably the most famous guy on it. Yeah. In 1981, guess what came out? The Paul Daniels Magic Show album. Oh, yeah.

Literally a year later, he went, Oh, I'm going to nick that. Not a lot. But that's on BBC Records, so he probably had a whole different contract. This is the Magic Circle. What label released that? Technical Records. Technical Records. contract this is uh the magic circle what label released that technical records technical records

so maybe they were like an educational um record label maybe i mean it must have been a cost a bit instructions in other areas as well not just magic well it looks like a mainstream sale but because obviously the yellow vinyl must have cost a little bit to make now so here's the thing so paul daniels probably went i've got an original. I've got to make an album of magic tricks. Didn't the Magic Circle? No. Didn't they just like last year? No.

Didn't they bring out a lot? He sold the idea. I'm saying he nicked the idea. Went to the BBC and went, oh, I'll do a whole album. And some of the things from that Magic Circle album are also on this as well. Tricks that he didn't do. Because he just does one trick on the Magic Circle, right? Yeah.

So a lot of the tricks are just kind of follow-the-card kind of magic tricks that you can do just through the logic that the math's already been done for you. Yeah. When they say deal seven, hold six, count this. So that's not really explaining a trick. No. That's just trying to actually do a trick on a record, so it's more difficult. Some tracks are more elaborate, right?

Like, there's one track, which we're going to play now, called Paul's Playhouse. There's one track which we're going to play now called Paul's Playhouse. It runs about four minutes, and he sets a little puzzle up through the theatre and the scene that he creates. I think the best way for me to illustrate this problem to you is to take you over to one of our major dramatic theatres, Paul's Playhouse. In which the part of the father, E, hello, my name's Alf, will be played by me. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- laddie, me name's Caroline. Will be played by me as well. Funny little play this. So the play commences. Eh, father, what's the matter? Well lass, I owe money to landlord and I cannot pay. Clive the rent collector is due here any minute. Come in. Oh, good morning. I've come for

the rent, haven't I? Well, I've gotten out for you. Oh, good. Then, not the workhouse for my father. Ah, ah, ah, all right. I tell you what I do. I offer you an alternative. Instead of taking the rent money, I'll take your daughter Caroline in marriage. I'll marry the wench. I'll not hear of that. Hooray, Hooray!

You may have noticed, ladies and gentlemen, that I'm also playing the part of the audience. Not many people come to Paul's Playhouse. Ah, well. Meanwhile, back at the plot. I tell you what I do. I could insist, of course, on the marriage. Or the workhouse.

But I'll give you a chance. Your path outside is pebbled, innit Aye it is. Oh yes. Well the pebbles are black and white. Aye they are. Yes they are. Well into my little cloth rent bag I'm going to place two pebbles. One black one, one white one. little cloth rent bag I'm going to place two pebbles one black one one white one your daughter can then place her hand into the bag without looking mind you and remove one pebble only if she takes the white one the debt is null and void that's even in it oh father what are you going to do do I understand that right that if she takes white pebble the debt is null and void and you don't you don't have to marry her? Aye, that's the bet, innit?

Well, well I suppose it's a 50-50 bet, aye. Go on lad, get the pebbles. All right. I'm outside now and what I'm going to do is evil. Boo! I'm going to place two black pebbles in the bag. When she hasn't got a chance then has she? No way she can get the white pebble out. Oh dear, I'm looking out of the window and I can see. Look, he should have told me, Dad. He's taking two black pebbles and put them in a bag. What am I going to do? If I take black pebble out, he'll say I have to marry him.

Maybe I should do that and save my father from workhouse. Ah. On the other hand, should I expose him as evil? No. Then he will send me dad to workhouse. All right, everybody.

All outside now. You've got to pick up Pebble Caroline. Boo. Boo. What am I going to do? Who can I ask for help? I know Paul, Paul, can you help me?

Well, I suppose I could help her and tell her out loud what it is But I'm not going to The answer is to think sideways Just like you at home have got to think sideways to solve the problem and if you really get stuck and you can't solve it at all drop us a line to the address that's on the sleeve and we'll send you the solution bye for now right so that's the dilemma okay fuck me off i thought i wonder what the answer is then he goes oh why don't you send me an a stamped address envelope to my little house and and I'll tell you.

I can't now, Paul. You're dead. You're fucking dead, Paul. You took the cigarette to your grave. But seriously, he goes, write to me. Like a fucking, like, I'm desperate. I need friends. Write to me.

I'll tell you. Well, that's the way back then you used to get money from people sending you stamp-adjusted envelopes. You've got to think laterally to solve it. Oh, not a lot. I know. I think. I think I have a solution. So what is your solution for that, Paul? I'm not on the internet, so I could be wrong.

I think they go through with it. She reaches in. She grabs a pebble and pulls her hand out. Yes. And the landlord goes, ha-ha, there's a black one left in. You know? No. Oh, no, I might be wrong.

I thought by leaving a black one in. So no but she goes oh look look don't look in here look what's remaining there's a black one so that means i must have the white one in my hand and he's like no no well you could just it's fucking stupid i don't know i can't think of anything okay so she reaches in yeah picks one out has the bag in her hand tips the bag up yeah so the black one falls out the other black one falls out and then she goes I must have the white one then in my hand by that logic unless you're cheating me

yeah yeah that must be it that must be it because that's the only way I can think of it do you know listener but also get in touch

on our Facebook page or Twitter or Reddit page they could say hello is that the police this man is trying to abduct my daughter

we recorded it on this little handheld recorder we've got a little fucking video of him taking two black pebbles from the garden cunt

how come their garden has got all white and black pebbles I don't know just for the sake of the story it must be some kind of

but then on that magic circle there's another one where a guy goes here's a really difficult puzzle isn't it write to me

and I'll tell you the answer say fuck off yeah there's another one of those write to me stories yeah'll tell you the answer say fuck off yeah there's another one of those write to me stories yeah about some continent

island is about to burn but apparently he survives probably yeah someone's got oxygen in their balls I'll picture that up on the website

someone's got oxygen in their balls yeah they suck their dick Paul someone's got oxygen in their balls and he sucks their dick and then scuba dives

he does a 69 scuba dive. Say something else. Right, so, he ends with this thing like the My Magic Cold. This is the Paul Daniels record. The Paul Daniels. It's full of,

like, that one track you heard. Now, the other thing I wanted to mention, Paul, you haven't brought up, Whiz Bit is on both of these records. A picture of Whiz Bit. But he, Whiz Bit is thin.

He's a different coloured Whiz Bit. He's blue with yellow stars. And on this, he's red with yellow stars on the Magic Circle album. So was Whizbit the Magic Circle's character to help kids get into magic? I don't think so. I think it was Paul's character. But how did he get on the Magic Circle then? I was very involved with the Magic Circle.

I have a feeling he was probably in a sort of executive producer role on this whole record. And then probably... That's the only thing. I don't think he is though. I just think he's on it. And he might be one of the bigger names on it. So like he's helped sell the album. And obviously this is obviously for kids.

This Paul Daniels magic show album is for kids. Really? It's aimed towards them doing pranks and little tricks. You know, like even does the Pharaoh's finger thing. Copyright, Barry Murray enterprises limited. And this. We've picked copyright Barry Murray Enterprises Limited, and this record is produced by Barry Murray. Who's the producer of that album?

Produced and edited by Barry Murray. Yeah, so that's it. So who's Barry Murray? Some guy. Is he a Magic Circle guy? Check the names on the back. He's not one of the guys, I don't think. No.

No? Who's the guy on the inside sleeve talking at the top, if you open it up? There's a guy speaking. What's his name? Francis White, who's the guy on the inside sleeve talking at the top, if you open it up? There's a guy speaking. What's his name? Francis White, who's the president of the Magic Circle. Oh. Barry Murray is the guy behind the guy.

So there's a guy behind Whizbit? Yeah. But on this album, when they use his voice, I'll play a little clip of it now. Well, it's time I went for a tea break, and I'm going to leave you in the capable hands of one of the fastest characters in magic, Whizbit, the super midget magician. Are you there Wisbit? Okay, away you go. Well, now, now, ladies and gentlemen, it is a great pleasure to be appearing on Paul Daniel's

record. I'm going to do a trick with you and for you. And we're going to make a Christmas How are you meant to fucking understand that you heard it from the other room didn't you it's all very they got that fake kind of echo to it

but it's so short they sped it up and also put reverb on it I couldn't hear a fucking word they were saying

all you've got to do is cut a tube that was meant to be Whizbit's voice yeah it was Paul Daniels yeah well don't break the

fourth wall mate Barry Murray is perhaps Daniels' manager maybe yeah or agent Murray is perhaps Daniels' manager or something. Maybe. Yeah, or agent. Or maybe Paul Daniels went, why don't we team up and make a TV show of Whizbit on television?

Yes, because that's the thing we haven't mentioned. What was that show called? Whizbit. And it didn't have magic tricks in it, did it? No, it was just a story. A magic wizard type who had friends in magic and they had magical adventures. And there was a living bog, wasn't there? Yeah. That wasn't there yeah that was the bad guy he was pretty cool yeah

and he did a break dance at the end yeah he spanned on his back little whiz bit so i don't know there you go that was maybe how he's reaching out to kids just saying ends this album anyway there's lots of tracks on there and some accompany the liner notes on the inside, so some you need to read along with, some you don't. Anyway, he ends it with this section, My Magic Code. In my house I have a study. I call it my magic room. I go in there when I want to do some serious thinking about important matters. And then I jack it off.

Not a lot. Imagine you are sitting here with me. The door is shut. The log fire is blazing And shadows dance on the wall So far, sounds like grooming You're in my cabin and you're not getting out I say

I've really enjoyed the record You say And I would like to do some tricks for my friends What important point should I remember? Elementary, my dear listener, say I But there are three rules to remember. Can't keep that voice up. One, keep magic mysterious.

Don't ever tell anyone the secret of a trick. It's human nature to make them want to know, but it's also human nature to be delighted when they are mystified. Fair enough. Good idea. Don't tell anyone what happens in my magic room with me, with the door shut. The door shut. The door shut.

Not a lot. You're going to suck my dick. It's shot a lot. You're not going to suck it a lot. Not a lot. That's what I'm implying. Don't say it. Two, be a good magician.

You will achieve this through practice. I practice my magic, so make sure you practice yours. That is the thing with magic, isn't it, really? Yeah. It's all about, who's that Ricky magic, isn't it, really? Yeah. It's all about... Who's that Ricky Jay? You heard of Ricky Jay? Yeah.

He's probably the world's most respected... He's fucking wicked, Ricky Jay. ...card magician. Yeah. I saw a documentary about him. He just says, I practice just for the joy of it, 10 hours a day.

He'll just sit there with a pack of cards. It's kind of OCD-ish, though, isn't it? It's crazy, yeah. But to be that good, you have to have sort of... And he's fucking good. Yeah. Like when he throws them into melons and things.

He can throw them, but that's just one aspect of his he's also he's also a fantastic uh slight he's like the world's best slight i'd love to be that's the kind of skill you want though you know that's kind of skill you only get through practice for hours and hours every day anyway number three entertain be witty be charming be deceiving don't be boring think about the trick when you want to present it be personal and pleasant enjoy what you're doing and do it well and when this magic moment comes you'll hear gasps of amazement and spontaneous laughter then and only timmy that was very good eli too shifty fuck off you have taken your first step along the yellow brick road to becoming an entertainer.

Heed these rules well. If you don't, the next time you want to play the record, there'll be nothing inside the sleeve. I will have turned it into waffle dust. Waffle dust? I'll have a ten bag of waffle dust, please. When writing to Paul for the solutions to the problems or with your world record claims. Please remember to close a stamped self-adjusted envelope to Paul Daniels, care of Mervyn O'Haren, Carbon Chambers, 7B Hallgate,

Doncaster, Yorks. So, he actually repopularised the whole form, didn't he? Oh, he was all over magic in the 80s.

He was great. And I've got a few of his sets at home. Would you say he was one of the people who inspired you to be interested in it? Probably, actually, to be fair.

I just always like magic tricks. I like the mechanics of a good magic trick, you know? Sometimes, even if I don't want to know how to do it, I want to know how it's done, just to marvel at the beauty. Look at that sentence. No, that's perfectly fine. You just said,

even if I don't want to know how to do it, I want to know how it's done. Maybe I should have said learn to do it. Okay, even if you don't want to know how to do it, I want to know how it's done. Maybe I should have said learn to do it. Okay, even if you don't want to learn to do it yourself, you still want to see the mechanics. Yeah, because I appreciate the mechanics. There's a guy on YouTube called Shanky's Magic, and he teaches really good tricks. And you can use those, and they're reasonably easy to do. There's a guy on YouTube called Rocking Rob Beaudry, and he tells you how to pack records if you're selling them online.

How boring. What a boring, boring, boring man boring boring boring man good taping technique so that's all on my magic show today did you like that? not a lot now then were there any laughs in tonight's episode? little Eli

not a lot I'm going to write down a word on this thing I'm going to write oh what am I going to write? I'm going to write this and I'm going to write down a word on this thing. I'm going to write. Oh, what am I going to write? I'm going to write this. And I'm going to put this face down over here. Now, let me see what we've got here. We've got ketchup.

We've got custard. He's in the sauce. And we've got a little mango bite. Right? So, Eli, pick any two. Custard, tomato ketchup, or the mango bite. Pick any two. Oh, let's get rid of mango bite.

Now, give me one back. Which one do you want to give me? Right, you're going to give me the Costa. So, oh, magic, you are right. What have I written down? God, that's so shit. What have I written down? Co-star.

Costa. Fucking Costa. Oh, not a lot. So you liked it? So you liked that magic trick? That was shit. It was a forced thing and I know how that's done. So? I was going to pick the costume. Can you do a magic trick?

Can you? Yeah. What? Give us a pack of cards. I don't have a pack of cards, do I? You do. Get me out of that thing. No, they're all the same car, remember? I've got a pack of cards here. Right, what are you going to do? He's riffling his cards. He's riffling his Casablanca. That's nice.

Look, he's giving them a shuffle. It's all very, very visual, this. I'm shuffling. You all right? Yeah. Yeah. Right, come on. He's shuffling his cards.

Come on. Where's the magic trick? He's stumpy-handed. I've shuffled, yeah. Did you see me shuffle? Yeah. He didn't do too badly, considering have like that stumpy hand well probably not that's an upside down it's very good yeah so don't call don't say i'm dexterous yes my hands are short but i'm quite dexterous with

my fingers not a lot not a lot can you oh not a lot not a lot you not a lot right not a lot not a lot not a lot not a lot right not a lot i'm gonna pull cut back the cards paul yeah yeah to tell me when to stop yeah right he's pulling back the cards one by one and he i'm gonna say the word stop any minute now and i'm gonna say it now stop okay now that's your card right that is the card. I obviously can't reveal it right now because you'll know it but I'm looking at a card and I'm remembering its number and its suit. Okay. Yes. Right. You've got that card memorised?

Yes, I have got that card memorised. And I've just shuffled the cards again. I'll write it down here just so I've got it. I'm shuffling the cards. You can see me shuffling the cards. He is shuffling the cards. Right. Here we go. A la Catrappa de Booba. Yeah. Top card, Paul.

Was that your card? Yeah. Three apart. So that was magic, wasn't it? Kind of. That wasn't too bad, was it? No, it was fine. That wasn't too bad, was it? That was just you shuffling it, but that was you knowing how to keep the card, because you told me earlier today you had that magic book. Well, I do. I can do it, can't I? That's very good. Thank you. It was nicely done. Yeah. how did i do the bit where i'm pulling it back then i don't

know there exactly do you want to know no all right tell me it's actually quite a neat one so so i know it was the bottom card so you pulled out from the bottom card when you showed me that's right so i have a little peek here yeah i can see the king of spades. I know how to put that to the top. Yeah. Like that. Now it's at the top. Yeah. Then I...

He's spilling all his cards all over the place because of his fat hands. I hate you. Sometimes I hate you. Your big, fat, lumpy hands can't do magic. Shut up. Look, there's all cards on the floor. Fuck off, man.

I did a fucking... Plenty of stumpy nuggets. Listen, you would fucking enjoy it if I hadn't right rammed up you. The fuck you know? You're obsessed with her. Calm down. Anyway,

so, in conclusion, Paul's a meanie, I'm not as undextrous as you might imagine from looking at my stumpy hands, and love is in the air.

Welcome to the world of magic. I am the great Gandini, and you have been worshipping magic and illusion in my castle of dreams with my lovely assistant, who you don't remember your name. Julie. Julie, was it?

Was it? I don't know. I'm the great tit squirto. Right, well. I'm the lovely tit squirto. Well, that was lovely, wasn't it, love? Congratulations. Is that the end of the show, Paul?

That is. You know what? We've got to think of a big finish. Well, you've got to do your homework. Why don't you make my trouser snake disappear? Oh! No, that was piss poor. Right, let's just end.

Let's just end. Right, that's a cheap joke. Just say that trick was quite good. No, it was quite good. It was done effectively, so I appreciate it. I thought it was going to be a bit more elaborate, but it's still well done. It was a sleight of hand that I've actually learnt years ago.

And I can shuffle cards more better than you as well. More better than me. Good, congratulations. That's why you were fucking shifty, mate. That's why they thought you were shifty. I'm a wheeler dealer. I'm a wheeler dealer. I'm a wheeler dealer, I am. Oh, go blame me, governor.

Anyway, that was our episode of Cheap Show. We hope you enjoyed it. Thank you very much to everyone who has bought tickets to see the live show. Thank you to everyone who gives to us on Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show if you want to donate. Thank you very much, everybody. Do you have anything you want to say to those people? Do you have any special rewards if they donate a certain amount?

Are you going to go up to them and, I don't know, piss with their letterbox or... I'll piss now. I will piss into my beard. I've got a special snood made. It's impervious to liquid. So I put the snood on. You're a pervy arse. I put the snood on. You're impervious.

I put the snood on my beard, yeah? Then I get it nice and moistened with my own urine. Yeah. And I walk around sloshing the urine around my beard for two days. Yeah. So it gets nice and, you know. Stagnant. It gets stagnant.

And then I take the snood off, let it dry out. So I've got a crusted salt solution urine salt solution on my bit and then I will crumble crumble

crumble crumble crumble crumble crumble all the salt off yeah into a little packet yeah and I'll go round to the patrons

house sniff my wee powder outside will they need to be in? no they don't need to do anything they just give sniff my wee powder outside. Will they need to be in? No, they don't need to do anything. They just give and they just know that I'm sniffing my wee powder. Well, there you go. That's an exciting thing for you to maybe get

reggette as a reward on our Patreon account. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Even if you can't give, don't worry about it. Just spread the word. Tell iTunes how much you like us. That helps get other people to listen. You know, if you want to. You don't have to. Maybe you want to keep it a secret.

Email us anything you want to thecheapshowatgmail.com. We'll read them all out. Or we won't, depending on the content. What else? I used to be funny. I've realised you've made me unfunny over the years. You've made me unfunny. Then my work here is done.

Fuck me. What's happened to me, man? Honestly. On Twitter, we're happened to me, man? Honestly. On Twitter, we're at... Where are we? At the Cheap Show pod, at Paul Gannon Show, or at...

E-L-I-S-N-O-D-I-D. You fucking idiot. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Eli Snowid. Eli Snowid. I am on Twitter. Thank you very much. There's also a brilliant Twitter account

called Cheap Show Out of Context where they just put random lines from the podcast. Well, here's one for them. Yeah. That one. That one I just said. So there'll be a blank tweet.

That would be a meta thing, wouldn't it? It would be very meta. Don't do it. Shit, that one. What else have we got? Yeah, you can find us on Facebook. You can find us on Reddit.

You can find us on Tumblr as well. We also have an Instagram account. It's all there. Get involved. Get involved in the show. Say hello. Spread the word and remember

we are the Economy Comedy Podcast of your dreams Eli do you have anything you want to say we're dealing with Noel Edmonds next week finally getting that

fucking done okay we're looking forward to that Paul and yeah I'm looking forward to the live show and

right so let's do something to end the show how can we do it I do your best Paul Daniels impression do your best Paul Daniels impression. Huh?

Do your best Paul Daniels impression. Oh, right. Say yes, Paul. Yes, Paul. Say yes, Paul, I will sign for you. Yes, Paul, I will sign for you. And say, I like it. I like it.

How much? How much? No, I'm asking you how much. Don't say what I'm... Fuck. Fuck. Fuck off. Eli, the worst impressionist in the world.

Not a lot. Where my Paul Daniels is quite good. Not a lot. Not a lot. Not a lot. You like to gob me off. Not a lot. That's enough of that one.

Goodbye. You like to gob me off Not a lot That's enough of that one Goodbye