CheapShow - Ep 88: The History of the Noel Part Two: Enough is Enough

Episode Date: August 10, 2018

Enough is enough! We have to end this relationship with Noel Edmonds, one way or the other... and it's not going to be pretty! Paul and Eli finally lift the flaps of Britain's most infamous and cuddly light entertainer's private life and get stuck into some of the more untoward parts of his career. Hopefully we may never need travel back to Crinkly Bottom again. However, it's not all Noel talk this week, in fact you get a healthy dose of regular CheapShow content for your troubles. We are promised some "pet corpse" stories and BOY do we get some. Paul gives himself over to Jimmy Biscuits and pays the price. Eli reveals something shocking that could ruin the cheap eats section of the show forever and a slanderous theory is put forward as Eli gets off on Noel's balls. It's the usual podcast oddness! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Summertime. No, don't. And the living is easy. It's still hot. Where's my counter? I don't know. Where is your counter? It's in the kitchen, isn't it?

In this little box. It is. I saw it last night. No, no, no. It is. I saw it there last night. Did you take it with you? Did you take it to gambling with you last night?

Yes. Oh, his little orange clicker, ladies and gentlemen, that I got for him as a lovely present. So, Paul. Yeah. Here, you can see the... Tell me what the face of the clicker reads. It reads 0000. Okay, I'm going to make one click.

Oh, yeah. You know what I'm counting? What? You singing. All right. Yeah. Okay, everybody. Hello.

It's cheap show time again. Here we are. Oh, what an atmosphere. I love a pot. For fuck's sake, man. Really. What have you unleashed? I have not unleashed anything.

I'm trying to fucking reign something in. Boom, boom. Agalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagalagal Three. The counter reads three. Okay, I'm not going to say what the forfeit you'll have. There won't be a forfeit because you only just thought of it now. You like that? You like when I put it on the thing? I did, yeah. You like that? Yeah.

It's all rattling around. Don't fucking wind me up! It's Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Eli Silverman. Here he is. It's Paul Gannon. He's the other guy. Here we are in the House of Pickles. It's another lovely episode. What have we got coming up on this episode today introduce the show say here's cheap show then i can have a lovely segue into the actual titles as opposed to just going off on one do it again but better shorter keep it concise just be professional here we are in the house of pickles i'm eli silverman hello welcome into my

abode paul gannon's joining me here and you know what that means. It's time again for Cheap Show! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show, you're're gonna have to fucking reset.

Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. Alright, how's the big guy? A price of the site? It's a tour guarantee. Hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to the show.

I'm not going on a nuzzle. Excellent, excellent work. That's what I want week in, week out from you now. I want that level of... I can produce that level of expertise anytime you like. Yeah? Yeah. Tell me to introduce something else.

Your nutsack. Oh, it's sweaty down here in the depths of hell. What's here? It's Paul's nutsack. It's wet. Go on. Get it all out of your system now. Get what out of my system?

All this fucking attitude. Attitude. I'm hot. Hot. Yeah, and it looks like sweat, but it's water, isn't it? What? Or is it sweat? Is that sweat on your jacket, on your shirt?

On my chest. Ooh. No, no, no. Yes, that's sweat, yeah. Oh, gross. That's what's known as sweat tits in the trade. It's almost like a Rorschach test, that. Sweat tits. It looks like two... Real men get sweat tits, yeah. Oh, gross. That's what's known as sweat tits in the trade. It's almost like a Rorschach test, that. Sweat tits.

It looks like two... Real men get sweat tits, Paul. It looks like Winnie the Pooh. Their tits sweat, Paul. Winnie the Pooh and Tigger docking. That's what it looks like. Sweat tits. Sweat tits.

So, see, I'm not too sweaty. What number episode is this, Paul? I don't fucking know. It doesn't matter. Why? Because it matters because we've got the 100th episode coming up. Yeah. And that matters.

Does it? I like to think. Does it? Does it? Does it matter, though, to you? Does it matter? I'm clicking. That wasn't a song.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. I hate you. Whenever I feel like I hate Paul, I click. Click, click, click, click, click, click. No, you're such a prick. Right, this isn't going well. I don't care. No, 100th show, yeah, we talked about it in the last episode.

Ticket sales were really unexpectedly wonderful. So we sold out that first show. And hopefully as of when this goes out, there may be tickets on sale still. We just don't know. That's great news. And Paul, if someone wanted to come to the second show as well, Yes. 5 o'clock till 7pm.

There'd be different content, wouldn't there, in the second show? We're doing two different shows. We're still going to have Biffo and Ash and Ashen's. They're still going to be the same guests, but we're going to do different things. And I want to keep a lid on what we're doing. Keep a lid on it. No spoilers. Okay.

You know, I don't want to tell them about the thing you're doing. That thing I do with my... Yeah, when you put it in. When I put it right in. And then you jack. Oh, here we go. Here we go. My flatmate's back.

Brilliant. Oh, so that's exciting. So I'll let her tell you what's coming up on the show today. Wow. Well, Eli just goes and talks to his flatmate. Thank you for supporting this professional podcast on Patreon. If you want to help support this podcast, you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show.

And how much you donate is completely up to you, and we hope we will reward accordingly. Hello, I'm back. Yeah, good? Yes. So, this is basically going to be on Noel Edmonds Part 2, but I'm not going to put any effort in. Noel don't deserve it.

Why doesn't he deserve it? Because we put a lot of effort into the last one, didn't we? He doesn't notice us. And the links, and he doesn't care. He looks down on us. Do you think we've even passed through his screen of consciousness? No, I don't think we have. He's too busy fighting Lloyd's bank.

Yeah. You know? He's too busy on his Noel crusade. One thing I do support Noel on is his crusade against Lloyd's bank. Really? Yeah. Of course. Are you pro-Noel?

I'm pro-anti-Lloyd's. Oh, a bit political on Cheap Show. Well, Lloyd's have been my bank, Paul. Have they? Yeah. That's good. And they've probably charged me about seven grand in various unfair charges over the years. So fuck them.

Fuck them. So go Noel. Well, if he brings down Lloyds, I mean, that would be something, wouldn't it? Would you be part of the crowd that held him aloft and said, no? Yeah. And I'll be sniffing his underside as I lifted him. I'll hoist you. I'll hoist you.

I'll hoist you. No. Don't just repeat. This isn't what? What? A comedy improvisation is. It is. Don't look at me like that.

I'm not saying anything until you fucking stop doing that. I don't know what I was doing, though. You were copying what I said. I wasn't copying what you were saying. I had a whole thing, bit going, about sniffing Lloyd, sorry,

not Lloyd, Lloyd Grossman. All right. Anyway, we're going to do... Lloyd's aloft. Yeah. Anyway,

the point is, is that you'd get your fingers in. Yeah. Yeah, of course you would. Of course you would. We're no like a puppet. Anyway,

we've got that. We're going to do a little mini League of Snacks. Is it going to be, do you think, or just the cheap eats? Probably it's the cheap eats.

It's a bonus cheap eats. It's a cheap eats. So we're doing that and then we're going to end with just getting Noel out of our system. So we're going to cover the stories that we didn't

get to last time and that's it. And put it in a bin. It sounds like a neat little package. Thank you. I have a neat little package thank you for admiring although the temperature down there quite mediterranean is it the kind of temperature that bees would use to exterminate an invasive uh giant hornet in their nest it's the kind of atmosphere down there that i'd half expect a big fat man wearing a white towel to be basking in my taint in the warm, warm, wet room.

You think there's a what? Wet room. Hold up. What? You reckon there's a big fat man in a towel who lives in your taint area? Yeah, treating it like a sauna. How can he be fat? He must be microscopic.

For his size, he's fat. You know, you can get mini fat things like you. You're a mini fat thing, aren't you? Oh. Oh. I don't have the fucking energy to fight today. It's hot. Oh, no.

I know. It's going to be. This is a heat affected episode of Cheap Show. But let's crack on. Shall we crack on? Let's crack on. Come on. Okay.

Go team Cheap Show. Let's crack on. Come on, mate. Go team Cheap Show. Go team Cheap Show. And touch me. I'm not. No. Touch me. Just touch the very tip. okay go go team cheap show let's crack on come on mate come on take your cheap show i'll go team cheap show and touch me i'm not no touch me just touch the very tip yeah go on oh electric so it's that time of the show where we like to read readers' letters on Cheap Show and have you all reach out to us with your various tales and stories

and we have some crackers today. And where should they send the stories? The Cheap Show at gmail.co.uk or.com, I think it don't matter. It's probably gmail.com actually on reflection. So it does matter. You just said it wrong. So it matters. It matters a lot, Paul.

Accuracy. Let me tell you something, Paul. Yeah? Little life lesson. Yeah? Little life lesson for you. Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah? A little life lesson, yeah? Stop it. Stop it. A little lesson for you, okay? Yeah? Yeah. All right?

Yeah. Accuracy, yeah? Yeah. you, okay? Yeah? Yeah. All right? Yeah. Accuracy, yeah? Yeah. Paul, yeah? Accuracy. It's really addictive saying yeah like that after a thing. Yeah.

Accuracy, yeah? Yeah. Accuracy. It's important. Got it. Yeah. Okay. Cool. In life.

Yeah. A little life lesson. Yeah. Just a little life lesson for you there. Before we go into these letters, one of the reasons we are doing a Noel Edmonds part two is because obviously in the first episode we didn't get around to all of it. We couldn't cover the whole of Noel's story or even really as much as we wanted to. But the second

was I was held hostage by a listener to the podcast. I was assailed daily. A chap called Stew aka Milky. I'm wondering if it's that guy from Reddit Squeezy McTrampcum. What's his name?

Squeegee McTrampcum. Milkycum? No, it's a different person. Totally, yeah. Anyway, he goes, hi, Paul. This was 15 days ago. All right. Hi, Paul.

Just thought I'd send the photo of Edmonds every day until the Noel Edmonds special part two comes out. Bloody hell, he did. And he did, so... It's terrorism. Let's see, son. Any nudies? No, there's no nudies. Ooh.

Oh, that's scary. A little picture. That's the face of omen. Yeah. That is the face of evil. Look at his haircut. It's doing about 12 wrong things at once, man. He looks like...

The helmet haircut looks like... The helmet haircut looks like... I can't explain it. There's something insidious to that look. The pork chops. Oh, the pork chops. Lamb chops, sorry,

not pork chops. Do you know what he looks like? Wolf man. Yeah. Just before he turns. He looks so young. He's a wolf man.

He must be in his 20s there. Yeah. So he sent that. That's a really disturbing photo. What happened on day two? Let's have a look at this as it downloads. So this, what do you see?

There's Noel on a horse. And the horse looks like it's full of terror. Doesn't a horse? That horse is like, get this cunt off me. Get him off me back. Get him off me back. Fucking hell. Because he knows Noel's getting hard. Yeah. is like get this cunt off me get him off me back get him off me back fucking hell because he knows

Noel's getting hard yeah he knows he's rubbing his mount on the back of his neck

he's got a very sensitive taint right in the horse's shoulders and he's like oh I have to get off by

someone rubbing the neverland between my arse and my bollock the gunge tank's coming gunge tank's

coming so he sent me gotcha he sent me... Gotcha! He sent me a picture every day. Oh, no. Yeah, so let's just go right up to a really recent one he sent. Oh, it looks like this one. It's Action Noel.

Oh, Noel's about to do some racing there. Yeah, he wants to get behind the wheel of a sports car. And yet he only presented one segment on a Top Gear once. And what was it? Just him going, here's a car. Here's a car. I was reviewing it. He just reviewed a car?

Yeah. How do you know that? It's on YouTube. Him reviewing a car on Top Gear and he just did one little segment? Before it was like a rebooted show that it is now. It was back in the olden days. It doesn't exist now? No.

Does it exist? What? Top Gear. It's on YouTube, all that stuff, I'm sure. What do you mean? I didn't mean like that. I mean, is it running? Top Gear's still on, yeah.

With Chris Evans? No, he left after the first series. It was Matt LeBlanc from Friends. Yeah, he's left now. Anyway, one more picture he sent yesterday. That is Noel on the set of Cheep Cheep Cheep. Cheep Cheep Cheep with Barry from Watford. He's got that prosthetic bottom face thing.

Bastard, yeah. That character, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Ooh-wee. Simone. Oh, it's like that. It's like a little face.

Simone. Yeah. You're bastard, yeah. Simone. Simone. so hopefully the unrelenting barrage of Noel photos will dry up suddenly after this show the problem is we're recording it now

but until it goes out he's going to still carry sending me pictures so it's going to be at least a week before this goes out that's eight more fucking pictures at least just enjoy it no I don't want it I don't like it you can send them to me

when I see it pop up in the inbox it it's like, oh, he's gone. Now go away. Yeah. Well, you forward them to me, Paul. Yeah. And I'll have a little comment like, Noel looks like a cunt. Something like that. Noel, what a prick.

Look at his hairy face. All right. What's he doing? He's probably a pedo. Yeah, et cetera. He let a man die. Yeah, et cetera. All of this. On and on and on. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, that. And he's probably a pedo. Yeah, et cetera. He let a man die. Yeah, et cetera. All of this.

On and on and on. Yeah. Yeah, all right. Well, that... And he's obviously a cult leader. Because I'm just getting a bit Pavlovian when they turn up. It's like... What, you salivate when they turn up?

No, I mean the opposite. What, someone's inserted diodes into your brainstem? No, I just mean that. And you're a fucking gibbering wreck of a creature who fucking... Who sweat glands fucking electrocute his own brain when a bell rings.

You're going to clout me? Why? Click that every time I fucking hit you in this episode. No, I'm not. Sing. Sing again, you prick. Think of a song. Nothing's fine, I'm torn. I'm all out of place. This is how I feel. Here's what you didn't think about if I just sing one song for all out of place. This is how I feel.

And here's what you didn't think about if I just sing one song for the rest of the show. So you never have to click it again. But I will carry on singing, singing. You're not going to keep this up. Oh, I'll keep this, keep it up, you know. Let's get on with the whole episode then. Fair enough. I'll keep singing and you'll keep talking.

But you can't click your clicky thing. You just had a look. That's just tough. You can't push it Fair enough. I'll keep singing and you'll keep talking. But you can't click your clicky thing. You just had a look. That's just tough. You can't push it quick enough. But what's going on? Nothing's fine. I'm singing. I'm singing. Frick. Right, okay. So, we've had some letters in because you said, oh, we need more Pet Corp stories.

Right, I'm happy that they've responded. We've got some. I'll read it out, Paul. Here we go. First on a special edition Pet Corp special edition of Tales from the Shop Floor. Let's go right ahead and do that. As requested.

This is from Travis T. As requested, two tales from the shop floor. Excellent. A few years ago, I worked in a second-hand clothing store, which is part of a larger national chain of charity shops. Okay, fair enough. He doesn't want to name them. Fine.

Fine. We don't want to get involved. It's Oxfam. Right. I've worked for Oxfam. He's not saying that. He's not saying that. Right.

Not Oxfam, everyone. All right. A few years ago, I worked in a second-hand clothing store, which is part of a larger national chain of charity shops. Most of our stock came from large sorting stations. But we would usually occasionally, sorry, receive

donations directly from customers as you do. Of course, of course. Usually just a small amount of clothes in a grocery bag or the like. Yeah. But one time a customer left a huge black garbage bag at the store. Yeah. But one time, a customer left a huge black garbage bag at the store. Warning sign.

We first, the first we noticed, come on, come on, Travis. Sentence construction. Oh, dear, Travis. Well, it says the first we noticed was that, comma. The first we noticed was that. Bullshit. All right, calm down. I'm going to have to rewrite this.

No, just carry on as you go. As you go. In situ, please. The first thing we noticed was that for a sack of cloves, it was extremely heavy. Okay. We look inside to get an idea of what we've received. You have to. Have a little check.

You've got to have a little peeky-boo. Have a little rummage. You've got to poke your nose in. Then we see a massive white maggot crawling on top of the clothes. Oh! Here we go. Don't you look so delighted? Tales from the shop floor, son.

I'm not an expert, but my experience is, one, when there's one maggot, there's usually more. That's probably very true. That's a little rule he lives by. Little life tip, yeah? Yeah. Little life tip, yeah? And more troubling, B. Come on, Travis.

You can't start with one. He's being funny, isn't he? He's not being funny. He's being witty. And more troubling, 2. Not B. You've upset him. Maggots need food to survive.

They do. But what could possibly be in the bag? And they sure as fuck don't eat clothes. Uh oh. It's a fucking three point takedown from Travis. We know where we're going.

Good one. Okay. So now we're staring at this sack which is way too heavy just to be clothes wondering what the fuck is in this.

In the end we decide to not examine the contents closer and just throw it in the garbage as fast as possible. Fine. Fucking the end, we decide to not examine the contents closer. Yeah. And just throw it in the garbage as fast as possible. Fine. Fucking good. Good call.

Good call, mate. Yeah. After that three-point maggot analysis. Yeah. One. There's been an ocular takedown. They've done the research. They've made an executive.

An ocular takedown? Yeah, they did an ocular takedown. Yeah. You were going to risk it. No. He said one maggot. Never one maggot. Never one maggot. Never one maggot.

That's the first rule. Two. They don't eat cloves. No, they don't. Three. Oh, yeah. It's too heavy. What was the third thing?

No, it wasn't a third thing. It's too heavy. Yeah. Right. So they just decided to throw it out, Paul. Yeah. They just decided to throw it out. Good.

We're going to look at it. For all I know, some deranged person stuck their dead dog inside the bag and left it with us. But I'll never know for certain. Well, it's a mystery. Well, good. Because maybe sometimes you don't need answers to stories like that. At the end of that, one maggot. Heavy with one maggot.

But there's never one maggot. And they don't eat clothes. Nah. That's not like a movie poster. It does. Maggots. There's never one. And they don't eat clothes. That's not like a movie poster. It does. Maggots, there's never one, and they don't eat clothes. And you think, oh, they're going to eat me. There's going to be a scene where I'm in bed asleep,

and then a maggot crawls across my cheek, and there's a close-up, and you see it burrowing into my jaw. Do you find maggots scary? And then a couple of other swarmers are burrowing into my cheek, and then my eye, and I wake up, but as I try to scream all these maggots pour out of my mouth.

Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! Rawr! What, like a chicken? Yeah. Just like a chicken? Rawr!

Do you make a noise like a chicken? Yeah, they do. It's one of Paul's mouth noises. Paul trying to do horrific maggot nightmare vomit

sounds like. Paul, do it again. Do it again. Come on, I'll do what it was like. Raw, do it again. Do it again. Come on, I'll do what it was like. Like a chicken. Another time, we received a box

full of used piercings in different styles. I don't want to do cheap show with you anymore. You're mean. As if that wasn't bad enough. One of them. No.

No, listen. Say sorry. Sorry that I said you can't do cheap show anymore. Fuck off. Brilliant. No, do me a fucking brilliant. no listen this is say sorry sorry that I said you can't do cheap show anymore fuck off brilliant no do you mean fucking brilliant well it means

I could just you know do nothing devote myself full time to the noodle spin off which everyone doesn't think

is going to happen yeah that's probably true one of these used piercings Paul yeah was a barbell where instead of a ball it had a teeny sculpted

cock on it yeah was there a niff oh a bit of a niff was a smeg a bit of a cheesy smeggy myth was there a ghost smeg and as if that wasn't bad enough the box started rattling at random and we discovered that what we first thought was just a slightly oversized stud, in fact, had a small battery compartment activating a vibrating feature. Oh, so it probably goes up your nugget. Yeah, it goes right down your meters and gives your helmet a tingly-ling-ling. Oh, really? I thought it was something you put up as a bumhole. Maybe.

There's a very limited number of uses for something like that. Well, we've thought of three. Yeah. Because, hey, nine out of ten of us hesitate to buy used underwear, but a piece of metal that may well have been attached to someone's genitals and might still have rancid bits of flesh on it. Who wouldn't want to buy that? Oh, secondhand cock shop.

I'm not sure if they did sell, but I really hope they didn't. And I won't name the store. They're a charity and I hate for their sales to suffer. So, those are my tales from the shop floor. Disturbing, revolting, but hopefully entertaining. Enjoy or vomit, both are valid and responsive. We'll do the funny bits, Travis. We just want the fucking story.

You don't like that, do you? It's trying to be too clever. Basically, I could have summed that up. Go on. There was a box with a dead dog. We were too much pussies to even look at it. And a vibrating Prince Albert. Yes.

That was it. Yes. Great. Thanks for taking away the magic of language. The magic of language, Paul, is something you've never, ever experienced. Or enjoyed. Right, so I'm just going to finish looking for this next email. you've never ever experienced or enjoyed. Right, so I'm just going to finish looking for this next email,

and then once I've found it, I'm going to get up and punch you in the fucking face. Was that the dead pet one? All right. That was the dead pet one? Part two. But we don't know if that was a dead pet. This is part two.

I'm underwhelmed by Travis, both in his prose style and content. Sorry, Travis. Are you ready? Yes. This is another Pet Corps letter sent in by Chloe. Hello, Chloe. Hello. There's no hello on this.

You just get right into it. Well, good. I like Chloe already. Much better than all this. I've got a story and I'm about to tell the story. And this is the story I'm about to tell. And I hope you like it. And I'm in there.

And there. I don't need your fucking whole paragraph telling us about what story you're going to. And then at the end say, I hope you like that. Blah, blah, blah. Cut it down. We want the meat and potatoes of these fucking stories. Right, so Chloe.

Does it start? Dead dog slipped in its brain. No. Right. That would have been good. Chloe. Does it start? My bottom end's got muscles on it.

I've got an undercarriage like the Mary Celeste. Do you want me to hit you? No, I don't want you. Of course I don't want you. Shut up and let me start this. So read it already. No more Mr Nice Guy. Right.

Chloe writes, I heard recently that you wanted to hear about a pet corpse. We did. Yes. It was mentioned by you. Well, when I was younger, I had a pet dragonfly We did. Yes. It was mentioned by you. Well, when I was younger, I had a pet dragonfly,

which was dead. Hey! Right, okay. Just carry on laughing straight away. I mean, she's gotten straight to the meat of it. So, fair play. What happened was that it had flew into our bug zapper and died. I don't know what crossed my sick child mind,

but I was just like, oh goody, a pet. So I kept it in my dad's glasses case and every morning I would spray him with disinfectant and stroke him. Oh. I only got rid of him because my mum complained

when his eyes and wings fell off. Okay. What was his name? So Chloe's a serial killer. What was his name? Flappy. Old blind McFlapper. Mr. Fuzz.

Oh, Mr. Fuzz. You're so lovely. No, Paul. I'm Mr. Fuzz. And I like it when you're struck by a corpse. Well, it's a good thing it wasn't dragonfly larvae. I'm finished. That wasn't the first time I came across a pet corpse.

She came across a pet corpse. Just a couple of years ago, I had two pet mice. One of them died of unexplained causes. Like, one day they were just stiff, and the other had to be put to sleep because... I hate to tell you this, Chloe, right, but they live for about two and a half years. That's their natural lifespan, isn't it?

So they do just die. I had one in here. A mouse. Yeah. What? Is he... You live in filth. It's's a mouse there's nothing we can do we live near the train tracks you don't no we don't you're a filthy animal it's not me you should not have dead mice in this room the mouse i took him out when he died basically right they do this because this is my experience. One night, scratch, scratch, scratchy, scratchy, scratchy, scratchy, scratch. Yes, I know.

Scratch, scratch, scratch. You were like, don't touch me. No. Don't touch me. And I'm like, oh, what's that fucking thing in my room? Oh, turn the light on. And he runs out into the middle of the room. Then he goes, ah!

Literally, ah! He died. And died there, ah! Because you turned the light on. He went, I'm in this room. He looked around and saw it in its realness. I was like, fatness. It fucking killed itself.

How would it kill itself? It literally stopped its own heart. How can they do that? They're samurai mice, are they? A horror and shock. They're Buddhist mice. They're high-level Buddhist mice. Was it a Shaolin mouse?

It was the shock of seeing Mount Groppans steaming in the corner. They like Mount Groppans. Mount Groppans has got lots of little nooks and crannies with little cheesy, cheesy surprise nuggets. I should not have mice living in there. God. Oh, Mount Glott pants. This segment is now over.

Oh, my good. What's that? It's like a drill or something. We're still recording with the door open in the House of Pickles. It's a hot day in the House of Pickles. Oh, Lord. We said last time we recorded here it was pretty hot, wasn't it? But it is considerably hotter now. Yeah, it is.

It's like we're both... It's like... You know what? This is like me and you. Romancing the Stone. I'm Michael Douglas. Right. And you're Danny DeVito.

Shall I light a candle and you can chuck some marijuana on it? And we can go... Yeah. Let's do that. Yeah, I'm not doing that. And you'll be Danny DeVito. You'll be Danny DeVito, right? What did I say?

He's the bad guy. He tricks people. I know who he is in the film, Paul. What does he say? I'm Danny DeVito. He sounds just like... He like... No, he sounds like that character you do, Jimmy Biscuit.

All my characters. Yeah. He sounds like all my characters. He sounds like a whole battery of American characters. Danny DeVito. Yeah, good. Is that better? Is that better?

So, Paul. Yeah. Now, moving on with the show of Cheap Show, because it is a show we do called Cheap Show. It's a show about cheap things. Generally about cheap things. We try and celebrate the lovely things we find in the cheapest parts of the world. Now, we're going to just do a very truncated little version of a section we like to call...

Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Oooooot. Nice. Nice. What we got today. That was a lovely one. What we got today. What have we got today?

Now, we've tried some Bobby's limited edition crisps in the past. We have. Those were the curry snacks. They do it. I had another pack of the other days. Yeah. curry snacks. They do it. I had another pack of the other days. They did not let me down. They did not let me down.

They were scrum diddlyumptious. Scrum diddlyumptious, ladies and gentlemen. You can put that on the pack. Eli, four stars. I saw this

and I thought it would be remiss of us not to taste another of Bobby's limited edition crisp products. And that's what we've got today on Cheap Eats. That's what I've got today for you, Paul, on Cheap Eats. I'm very excited for it. It's good. to taste another of Bobby's limited edition crisp products. I agree. And that's what we've got today on Cheap Eats.

That's what I've got today for you, Paul, on Cheap Eats. I'm very excited for it. It's good. Yeah, okay. Let's do it. So here, without further ado, these are Bobby's limited edition sticky barbecue ribs. Get stuck in. Oh, we should.

And it says sticky barbecue rib flavour snacks. Now, I'll be interested if they will have any stickiness to them. Is it the flavour that they're suggesting is sticky? As in it conjures up imagery of such sticky barbecue snacks. They might have a bit of sweetness. Now, I'm prepared for Bobby to fail, Paul.

We can't just love everything Bobby does. These might be not to our taste. That's true. And it's interesting as well because one of the listeners of Cheap Show copied Bobby's into a tweet to our Twitter account and said, Oh, you're right, the curries were amazing, and blah, blah, blah.

And then Bobby's replied back saying, Well, we're getting rid of them soon, but try these barbecue rib ones. We think they're just as good. They were trying to go, All right, so we're doing it. Have a little one. So we're doing it, and I'm going to huff the pack gas. It's definitely important. Now, you've got to shake it, remember? We've realised.

So I do that first, and then I'm going to huff the pack. You're going to huff the pack gas. It's definitely important. Now, you've got to shake it, remember? We've realised. So I do that first, and then I'm going to huff the pack. You're going to huff it. I'm going to huff the packet gas like a... Like a wine person would sniff the bouquet of the wine. Like a miner who's been rescued and comes out into the open. Oh, the meadows of home. Yeah. It's like this.

I'm going to fucking huff this hard. Let's do this. I'm going to huff hard on Bobby's sticky barbecue rib pat gas ooh ooh

I don't know I don't know what to think they're a bit farty extremely farty ooh they're a bit oh grandad's got off

they're extremely fecal not in a bad way just in a beefy fart way. They have an almost Chinese five spice I'm getting as well.

There's a kind of grandad fart after a big Christmas dinner. There's a sort of sweetness five spiciness though. Cool. Just tuck in.

Now what's the appearance? These are very much like a long watsit. An elongated watsit. An elongated watsit. Same texture by lots of things.

Same consistency. Shall I pop it in and have a nibble? Nibble the head off that. And I'm going to go in as well. I like these a lot. Really? They have that sticky barbecue rib thing. Like you would get in a Chinese restaurant.

It's that kind of sticky, isn't it? It's a Chinese sort of taste, isn't it? Because I was expecting like the kind of barbecue American ribs or something. No, they've gone for like a... Which is a better decision, I think. I think. They've definitely got a sweetness, don't they? But not sickly.

And you know what they've gone for? You know the way that anything like this, anything like a what's-it-form crisp, sort of disintegrates into a sort of stickiness, isn't it? It sort of sticks to your teeth, the sort of residue. And I think that's what they're trying to work with, that sort of texture, textural profile that these what's-it-types have. So the flavour sticks to your mouth. the sort of residue. And I think that's what they're trying to work with, that sort of texture, textural profile. Yeah. That these Watsit types have.

So the flavour sticks to your mouth. It's an ambitious snack. Mmm. Isn't it? Just like the 39p. It's like when Walkers used to do those, oh, these,

you know, their, you know when Walkers used to do their bloody, exotic flavours. Yeah. And I was like, well, they do it every fucking year,

don't they? Vote for this! Pork pie and egg flavour. Is it. Yeah. I was like, well, they do it every fucking year, don't they? Vote for this! Pork pie and egg flavour! Is it going to, what was the thing they did lately? We're going to get rid of all the flavours.

If you like this flavour better than, really? Yeah. That was the gimmick. That's terrorism. If you like this new flavour better than salt and vinegar,

we're going to get rid of salt and vinegar. Nah, they fucking won't. They're fucking lying. That's like when they say we're going to kill off Superman. It's like,

oh, he'll be back. He'll fucking be back straight away. You can't hold our crisps hostage, Walkers. You listen to me and you listen good. I'm doing a speech. Okay, continue. Walkers, you have crossed a line.

You can't take our flavours away from... Yeah, you listen to him. He knows what he's saying. You can't hold our flavours hostage.... Yeah, please. Yeah, you listen to him. He knows what he's saying. You can't hold our flavours hostage. No, not hold hostage, no. We didn't vote to leave the EU just so you... We didn't vote to leave the EU. Just so you could take away our salt and vinegar.

How dare you? How dare you? Salt and vinegar is the blood that runs through these British fucking veins. Shame on you, Walkers. You are taking away a bit of Britain and what are you replacing it with? Bum flakes. Spicy pork.

Spicy bum crisps. We don't like them. We don't want them. We want some vinegar. Crisps that are waggon nuts. We want what we recognise and we want the safety and recognition Crisps that are literally little pellets

of dried poo attached to their hairs around their arse. You're not helping. You're not helping my speech. You're actively making it. How about that? I don't want to be your high note. Anyway, I'm finishing it off. So, Walkers, you may take my salt and vinegar, Chris. You may. But you, you won't be aware.

You won't be ready for the onslaught of fists that come your way when I rise up with my army and we burn down the walkers factory and the only crisp worth standing is salt and vinegar and that's my friend the only crisp worth standing

so listen to the walkers the army's coming so don't do it alright thank you Paul now I have to say Paul I don't like them as much as the curry snacks. No. I will say if I had to pick one or the other, oh, that curry's coming back.

I'd go for the curry snacks straight away. Would you have these again? I mean. Yeah. They're too sweet. I don't like them too sweet. I think they're just the right amount of sweet. Okay.

Well, let's have a grade from you. It's a cheap eat score for Barbee's limited edition sticky barbecue flavour ribs. Four? Out of five. Yeah. I'd eat score for Bobby's limited edition sticky barbecue flavour ribs. Four? Out of five. Yeah. I'd eat a whole pack of those like that. I'll go for three and a half, 3.75. Fair enough. They're nice. Nice enough but I don't think I'd go for them again myself. For the price? For the flavour? They're sweet.

Yeah, 39p. I think you're just holding back because you think we've been a bit too good to Bobby's. Honestly I'm not. It's not a psychological thing. I just wasn't that impressed. I think, mate, you're in Walker's pocket. Are you a Walker's agent? Are you working for Walkers?

I've got Frito-Lay, yeah. It's PepsiCo, you know. You know what this means, don't you, mate? We're going to have to interrogate you. You are? Yeah, I'm going to have to interrogate you. When you say we, who? You and whose army? Me. Your anti-Walkers army?

Me and Mr. Biscuits. Alright, bring him in. Okay, here I am, buddy. What do I need to do? Okay, just sit me right down here. Okay, Eli, tell me all you know. What do Walkers know about Babies? Why are you so... Why did you join the Walkers gravy train? Do you want to stop after one question and then maybe I'll be

able to respond to you, Mr. Biscuits? Yeah, Mr. Biscuits. Calm down. I'll be good cop. You be bad cop. Right, let's do that. Okay. Go on, Eli. You're a good man. I first started working for Walkers when I was 16. I was walking in the park. A man approached me. He had a very impressive coat.

He opened it. His knob was there. Right. He made me look at it. Right. He said, I'm knob was there. Right. He made me look at it. Right. He said, I'm from Walkers. Okay. And ever since then, I've been receiving letters only on odd days of the month.

What, like plurbs day? What do you mean odd days of the month? Like the 17th. Why is that odd? It's a number that's in between the even numbers. They're called odd numbers, Paul. It's not even math. It's sort of even more basic than that, Paul.

It's sort of very basic number theory we're talking about here. Okay, that's what I meant by odd. Yeah, but the way you made it sound... Anyway, it sends me a picture. It sends me a photograph of his hairies. That's the end of the story. Get Jimmy Visticus out. No, I want to know more.

Okay, Jimmy. What do you do for walkers now? What do you do? I know you're coming here and you're taking Bobby's secrets, but come on. Well. Turn a few names my way. I'll tell you, this will fucking impress you, Mr. Jimmy Biscuits, yeah? Send them my way.

Yeah, Jimmy Biscuits, yeah? Yeah, tell them. Yeah, Jimmy Biscuits, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, Jimmy Biscuits, yeah? Yeah, come on, boy. Oh, I got parachuted into the factory, Bobby's factory. That ties in to reports we had on the 17th.

Yeah, you bet it ties in. And then I fucking tied one off, as in took a shit into the vat. Right. The Bobby's special flavor vat. I've been looking for you for a long time. There's poo in your bobbies. Right. Well, I've been looking

for you all my career. I might have... I tied one off. I might have finally got my hands on the... I clipped one off. I don't... He's boring.

Can he leave? Wait, well, I'll be back with a warrant to search these premises. And you better not think about leaving the country, buddy boy.

Okay, I won't. You better not because otherwise... You know what? I kind of feel like he does take over me at times it was really weird I completely just then got out of my side the reason why I broke the scene

was because it frightened me I suddenly became really aware you really were feeling the motivation of Jimmy Biscuits and I just had to get out alright fine let's forget about it let's forget about it let's forget about it Paul

I know I was responding as if you were Jimmy Biscuits as well then for a second Paul wow

right okay so well that was good 3.75 for me you're giving it a solid 4 solid 4

not bad at all just a bit a bit too sweet I don't like my Chris sweep like that okay that's it good right bye Not bad at all. Just a bit too sweet. I don't like my crisps sweet like that. Okay. That's it.

Good. Bye. So let's do this. Let's dig into Noel one last time. Okay. Now. And pull out the giblets. Now, Cheap Show's resident Noel Aficionado, or Noelinardo, as they're known in the trade.

Noelinardo, I love it. Sounds like a kind of conquistador. You're our resident. Nolanardo. Here is our Nolanardo. Oh, ole. Paul Gannon. Hello. I am Nolanardo. And I know everything about Nolly Edmonds. Okay, so

where did we get up to last time when we were discussing the Edmonds? We kind of breezed through his career, didn't we? We started out in the early days and his start and his weird single and obviously leapt a bit forward to house party,

his smash hit Saturday primetime evening entertainment magazine show. And that was the height of his... That was peak Noel. And it was also the era of peak light entertainment. Yeah. What have they got now? They've got things like

Ant and Dex. On ITV they do. They still do the Saturday night thing. Or rather Dex Saturday night. Is it just him now?

Because Ant's glug glug glug meep meep crash got him into a bit of trouble. Yeah but he's still around. He got fined

£100,000 or something. Don't get me wrong. It's a problem, obviously. He's got a serious problem. Does he go, oh, a couple of Xanax and then a bottle of vodka? He gets drunk. He used to get drunk. Go, let's get ready to rumble.

Let's get calmed down. Let's get ready to rumble. Rumble. Come on. Come on. Oh, it looks like my pants have got ready to grumble. And shat himself again. You shit it.

I've run over myself. If you could do that and do what Brian from E17 did, manage to run over himself whilst high on ecstasy, that would be something. There's also tragic stories like that actor, Anton Yelchin. Terrible story. What happened? It was his car.

It was just a fault with the car across the line of those cars. I don't know if it was a brake thing or not but either way he got out of his car to open a gate and then

the car rolled. And the car just came and fucking smacked him down. Yeah. That's so nasty. Waste of a massive tank. You've seen Green Room

haven't you with him? I loved him in Green Room. Yeah. And he's really good in Star Trek really as well. Yeah but. It's a small role, but he's had a bit of fun.

The Star Treks. We're not getting into Star Trek Beyond. Star Trek Beyond. I don't care. It was very boring. I thought it was very boring. Five bags of popcorn.

So we're doing Noel. So we're going to dig into some of the darker elements of his past, because I think we talked about his successes, by and large, didn't we, and his ego. And why he was a success.

Yeah, and obviously in older episodes you can hear us talk about Mr Blobby in a little bit more detail. We don't need to cover those tracks. But what we didn't get round to talking about was the infamous story that involved Noel Edmonds. And we have to obviously tread lightly with this because real people were affected and someone died. Okay. But Noel

Edmonds was involved in killing a man on TV. So before Noel's house party, he had a Saturday night show called The Late Late Breakfast Show. Okay. Because it was developed from Swap Shop, which is his first foray onto TV properly, I think, not including maybe Top of the Pops and whatever.

But... It was his first one as the sort of show, the head of the show sort of. Yeah, because Swap Shop had almost a small group around him, didn't yeah the head of the show sort of yeah because Swamp Shop had almost a small group around him didn't they John Craven and Top of the Pops

had like rotating people yeah didn't it that's why they got dizzy and now it's Mother of the Man coming down as number three dizzy

you see that's the joke yeah the revolving yeah dizzy by I thought you meant Dizzy by... Vic Reeves and the Wonderstuff.

I know. It's... The Wonderstuff. Was it Vic Reeves and the Wonderstuff? Yeah. Wow. Oh, no. Or was that for the song I'm a Believer?

The Wonderstuff. Oh, I should know this. I'm a big Vic and Bob. It's definitely Wonderstuff, I think, with I'm a Believer. Yeah. So I don't know. So they did a version of the monkey song with I'm a Believer. Yeah. So I don't know. So they did a version of the monkey song, I'm a Believer. Yeah.

Huh. Yeah. Written by? The monkeys. Neil Sedaka. Oh, ooh. Kyle and the girl. I love, I love, I love my little Kyle and the girl.

Or is it Neil Diamond? No, I think you're right. It's Sedaka, you know. He, Diamond wrote. Or did he do Daydream Believer? I think Diamond did Daydream Believer. No, Or did he do Daydream Believer? I think Diamond did Daydream Believer and Sadaka. No, Diamond didn't do Daydream Believer. Diamond didn't do Daydream Believer.

Daydream Believer was Sadaka, then. I think so. Oh, we're going to get letters. You said in episode whatever that this happened. We won't. We're not going to. Don't care. Most people who listen to this don't actually get any of the references that we do.

No, we do. Anyway. Does anyone remember marshmallows? They were good. Shut up. This is not do you remember dot dot dot. Hey Paul, do you remember? Oh, fuck off. So anyway, what basically happened, this is a Wikipedia page,

the man who was affected was a chap called let me get this straight there's quite a few, Michael Lush. Was the man who died? Yeah, but apparently It was like there were A few fucking problems With the late late breakfast show Over the course of its career

So it had sort of Big sort of stunt things It was you know It had big stunts And games and challenges And celebrity guests And things like that A magazine show

For Saturday night In an hour You'd pack it all in And there'd be live segments And it'd all get crazy Okay You know that kind of shit So controversy And I thought it was Just going to do The Michael Lush story But apparently There's another one Paul McCartney In an hour, you'd pack it all in, and there'd be live segments, and it'd all get crazy. Okay. You know, that kind of shit.

So, controversy. And I thought I was just going to do the Michael Lush story, but apparently there's another one. Paul McCartney. This is all about the... Of the Beatles. Yeah. The video of Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson's single, Say, Say, Say, had its controversial UK TV premiere on the show, The Late Late Breakfast Show. The half a million dollar video had not been ready when the track debuted in the UK singles chart. By the time it was finalised, the track had fallen in the charts.

So McCartney flew to London with the intention of premiering the video on the BBC flagship show Top of the Pops, but the show had a strict policy that no single that had dropped out of position could feature and refused to show the video. Oh, I bet McCartney was seething. A furious argument ensued, it says here, and the BBC staff reported McCartney was threatened to withdraw all his music from the corporation.

Wow. Wow. That would... As a compromise, the BBC offered to air the video two days later on the Late Late Breakfast show. We'll give it to Noel. Yeah. We'll give it to Noel.

Let Noel do it. Let Noel do it. Let Noel do it. Give it to Noel. Just give it to Noel. Noel do it. We'll do it. The BBC agreed it on the programme,

only if McCartney appeared live and gave an interview. He reluctantly agreed. So, what, they say you have to appear live? Yeah, as part of the deal to show the video, because their policy is if it's not in the top ten or whatever. If I was McCartney, I'd just be like, I'm walking away. Yeah, that's what I don't understand. But I guess he wanted to push it because the video would cost so much to make.

Do you remember what that video featured? No. Because he did a song with... I'll probably put a video link on the webpage, by the way. He did a song with Stevie Wonder, Ebony and Ivory, when they were on a massive piano. Do you remember that? Someone thought that video through, didn't they?

What's the song about? Well, it's about the metaphor of, let's make it explicit. Yeah. Let's just make it visually explicit. I mean, that's not the only time that's happened. No, I know. There you go.

So anyway, he reluctantly agreed and appeared on the show with his wife, Linda, on the 29th of October, 83, which was their first UK TV appearance since 1973. So they'd been off TV for a decade. Who? Linda and Paul weren't seen on TV together. Oh, she came along, did she? Yeah.

He used to drag her around everywhere, didn't he? Yeah, he loved her. Yeah, but she had no discernible sort of showbiz ability he loved her all right love's a powerful thing eli yeah miserable fucking rotted fetid cunt of a man well just don't let your wife sing on your records well so you can say for yoko ono she was an artist in her own right fuck off dickhead artist yeah i've said it i've been edgy yoko ono i'm saying saying it. I'm saying it. I'm saying it.

Don't fart. I did not. You fucking fart and you made eye contact with me. I did not, man. Ooh, the House of Pickles. Shut up. The House of Liquid Pickle.

Right. Shut up. Drippy Pickle. The interview was stilted and the McCartneys made little or no effort to answer any of Edmund's questions. They just sat there. Brilliant.

Oh, I really want to see that. Oh, I hope I can find the clip online again if I can find these video clips I'll put them on our page I'd love to see that website after some reportedly hostile backstage production negotiations the program's entire show was built around the medicine men theme of the video and the guests who had been booked to appear that week with Olivia Newton-John had to agree to appear to promote the video in a skit reportedly against here will and Olivia expressed anger at having her starring role in the show downgraded into a with Olivia Newton-John had to agree to appear to promote the video in a skit, reportedly against her will, and Olivia expressed anger at having her starring role in the show downgraded into a lesser spot to make way for the video and McCartney.

Wow. Wow. McCartney is taking no prisoners. The airing of the video on this highly rated show was successful as the track climbed back up into the chart the following week and hit on top of the pops on the 4th of November 1983. Okay, so it worked for McCartney there.

But frosty, frosty. Wow. There have been a of the pops on the 4th of November 1983. Okay, so it worked for McCartney there. But frosty frosty. Wow. There have been a number of accidents on the show apparently. This is what the next segment is. On the September 10th 1983 stunt driver Richard Smith

fractured his pelvis and injured his head, neck and back after crashing at 140 miles per hour during a live car stunt in an attempt to leap more than 230 feet in the air in a car.

Wow. Also in 83, Barbara Sleeman broke her shoulder after being fired from a cannon. She would later say, the BBC don't give a damn, they just want the viewers. No. I'll put a woman in a cannon. You watch, you watch me.

Mr Edmonds, I've just looked at the safety speculations for the specs for this cannon what did you do that for you silly man I'd have to tell you that it's not 100% safe it has a few little niggles and

it might just pulverise so we how much is this got to cost? How much has this problem got to cost to go away? Well... How much? I'm Noel Edmonds. I've got it.

You know me. Have you got one of those... What? Biscuit dusters. Oh, you want a biscuit duster, my friend? I do want a biscuit duster. In that case, I want not only this report to go away... Give us a biscuit duster and then say no more, yeah?

And it'll go away? With one of those fine-toothed, fine-toothed biscuit dusters. Why don't you look inside my bag? Look at that. Look at that. Isn't that a biscuit tickler? It's not a biscuit tickler. That's what I call them.

Why? You're going to correct Noel Edmonds? Or do you want your biscuit duster? Well, if you're going to refer to it as a biscuit duster. Here you go. What are these little granules of your bum fluff on it? That's a little special Noel Edmonds gift. Can I powder that and put it into milk?

Yeah, you can make Noel shakes. Right. End scene. Don't fart again! Stop accusing me of things I don't I'm not doing. I'll highlight the audio to capture it when I do the edit.

I don't want to be thought of as someone who farts. Then don't fart! Anyway, I want that Barbara farted from a fucking cannon. Okay, so she hurt herself. She doesn't care about the BBC but she didn't lay the blame at Noel's door. No, she basically did. And so we get... Oh, mate, that stinks!

That fart has just hit me. I got a gob full of that. That's disgusting. This house of pickles makes me sad. Welcome to my guttage. So let's quickly go through this as best we can. The death of Michael Lush and the cancellation of the Late Late Breakfast show.

So on November... November. On November 13th, 1986, self-employed hod carrier Michael Lush was killed during a rehearsal for another live stunt. The stunt was called Hang'em High, involving bungee jumping from an exploding box suspended from a 120 foot high crane. Fucking hell. The clip attached to his bungee rope to the cane sprang loose from its eye bolt during the jump. He died instantly

from multiple injuries and the breakfast show was cancelled on the 15th of November. After Noel Edmonds resigned, saying he didn't have the heart to carry on, well you would want to go back on next week and say uh oh, I did a silly. Anyway, here's fucking Caroline from Stoke-on-Trent.

I'm going to fucking kick you off a boat. This is true, actually. Rumours denied by the BBC at the time had been that Edmonds was due to resign anyway to launch a career in America. And there are episodes of him doing an American TV show on YouTube. Oh, yeah. Oh, stinky poo-poo.

It's not good. The Yanks must have just been like... They don't get it. You know he's quite dry. Like we said last time, he doesn't like to be the object of humour himself, even though he takes the piss. He doesn't like himself. Even though he does it, he doesn't sell it. There's all these really awkward bits where it's like,

oh, I'm a British man in America. You don't get references. He doesn't sell it. So there's all these really awkward bits where it's like, oh, I'm a British man in America. You don't get references. And it's like, oh, stop it, Noel. Super cringe. Stop it, Noel. So yeah, there was a whole massive inquest into this and it was recorded as a verdict of misadventure. But the whole segment of that show was fucking ridiculous.

I can't remember what it was, what the actual round was called, but the idea was they'd spin a dial on a wall and it would land on a stunt. And then they'd pick some random cunt out of the audience and say, you're doing this. What? All right.

And you might get a telly. And so that was the idea of normal people doing extraordinary stunts or challenges. Dangerous. And so the hod carrier guy was just a... Just a regular guy.

He wasn't even like a specialist? No. He was given training but obviously died in rehearsals for the show. Because they had to pre-record that, obviously. Because imagine if it happened live. That's very bad. Because you'd know Noel would have to...

It reminds me of the John Landis Twilight Zone. Again, very, very troubling story. Where there was literally a whole helicopter, a prop helicopter. Yeah. But with a properly rotating blade. Yeah. Basically came unhinged from whatever was securing it and killed a... The actor and the two children he was holding in his arms at the time in the scene.

Whoa. They were allegedly beheaded. And they still finished that movie? Yeah. Because it was a portmanteau film. It meant maybe his was filmed last. And so I don't know what production... I mean, you're right, actually.

I don't know all the details details but I'm surprised it was released but I do know there was a massive court case and lots of people found liable and that was the John Landis section yeah he filmed that bit

the guy about the guy who's intolerant and he goes back in time to all the worst atrocities and finds himself in war zones yeah Spielberg did the lovely one

where everyone kicks a can old people kick a can and they go young again and it's like a bit like Cocoon isn't it yeah old people finding their youth again And they go young again. And it's like a bit like Cocoon, isn't it? Yeah. Old people finding their youth again.

It's Cocoon, the mini- It was really like, this is boring and I hate it. Then John Lithgow's Terror at 20,000 Feet or whatever it's called. Yeah. That was directed by John- No, Joe Dante. That was good. Who did Gremlins.

Yeah. And what was the other one? The one where the little boy who can have- He's omnipotent. Oh, I'm all wrong. Joe Dante did that one? The one where the little boy who can have his omnipotence. Oh, I'm all wrong. Joe Dante did that one, the Power Boy. And the one that was done on the plane was, I think, George Miller. Okay.

Mad Max George Miller. Mad Max George Miller. Yeah. Mad Max George Miller. There we go. Back to Noel, he was negligent. Yeah. Was he negligent?

But he's not in charge of the stunt. He's no expert in that. No, but the thing is that he was executive producer on the show. So at some point... The bug stopped with him. Yeah, pretty much. And so when there's a report that comes up that said lots of things weren't checked and the safety officer was not on hand on the day

and no supervision or demonstration from a trained stuntman had occurred. No, that's not good. All that kind of stuff. The BBC insisted using some kind of other device despite the advice of using a proper rope. I don't know. So there was a lot of issues. Yeah.

The BBC made an ex... It wasn't just a freak, like they checked everything. No. It was just freak. It was actually... Corners cut. Wow. The BBC made an ex gratia payment

of approximately £120,000 to the Lush family. BBC managing editor Bill Cotton stated that there'd be no future programmes approximately £120,000 to the Lush family. BBC managing editor Bill Cotton stated that there'd be no future programmes that exposed members of the public to risk. Did you really need to make that statement? You shouldn't do a show where it's like, yeah, we'll sign off, dropping a member of the public on their head

from a helicopter that explodes. Well, I suppose that's it. That's why you don't get anything like that these days. Well, we live in a much more litigious culture as well, don't we? Yeah, speaking to the mic, mate. We live in a much more litigious culture these days. I suppose it's because of things like that going on in previous years that we don't have anything like that on TV now.

I'm probably for the best, though. Yeah. I don't want to see fucking Vera from Hemel Hempstead getting fucking, I don't know, kicked off the Great Wall of China. Yeah. I mean, maybe I would. I would like to see that. I would like to see that.

Vera, you old bitch. Here you go. Hoof. Eh! Noel Edmonds. Noel Edmonds. Anything else? Yeah.

So, next story. Okay. This is a nice little light one. A lot less death. This is the story that came out a few years ago. I think 2016? Yeah. Noel Edmonds mocked for launching pet counselling service.

Noel Edmonds has made this big deal about making internet radio a thing. And he's gone, I've invented internet radio. And it's like, no. You just literally haven't. He's put some investment in and he's trying to... Building up all these networks. One of which is the Lloyd's Bank thing. Which is just a channel devoted to him saying Lloyd's Bank, you're evil.

Yeah. It's just him on it. I don't know. I fucking haven't listened. I can't bear it. If it's someone else, I'm not interested. But if it's him, I can't bear it. Good research.

Yeah. This article from... Oh, this is Express. Ah, fuck it. Has one of Britain's famous TV stars gone bonkers, it says? Nothing should really surprise us about Noel Edmonds, considering that 10 million viewers once tuned into the BBC on Saturday nights to watch him perform with Mr Blobby.

But Noel's uncanny knack of tapping deep into our sense of silliness has now gone some way of convincing people that he may have lost his sanity. Try that whole paragraph again. No. No. It's because he's launched a motivational phone service for pets. If your cat, dog or hamster or mouse or whatever is angry or depressed, Noel will call it and cheer it up.

In the first four hours, he received 2,000 emails from pet owners, and demand has soared since, when Noel cancelled a cat live on air on the Jeremy Fiennes show on Radio 2. What a wanker! Yeah, well... Yeah, what's wrong? He does what to you? Meow. Oh, he does what to you? Meow.

Oh, he does what? Meow, meow. He says you don't feed him enough. Meow. Oh, he's agreeing. So, Jeremy, if you don't give this cat more food, it's going to be unhappy. And when this cat's unhappy, I'm unhappy.

And you don't want me and your cat unhappy so what are you going to say Jeremy I don't know I wish I'd feed your fucking cat there you go Twitter went crazy as people started posting pictures of pets

with funny captions one man tweeted that bloody Noel Edmonds just had a chat with my chicken and now he thinks it's a cat. A woman wrote, Noel Edmonds still hasn't phoned my dog. If he'd rung, she'd have mentioned it.

She's very excited. Another referred to the imaginary village from which Noel Edmonds was supposedly broadcast. Hello, cat. This is Noel Edmonds. How can I help? Well, Noel,

I've got a crinkly bottom. But a lot of people just think he's lost the plot. One man tweeted, Noel Edmonds has just realised a flaw in his new business plan. Not many pets own phones. Some do, though. One posted, hamsters. Wheel or no wheel?

Another said, is it okay that Noel has been taken seriously as a cat whisperer? Noel's hamster up the arse party. I'd watch that. Yeah. Where he just fucking bends over and people force cats up him. Yeah. Yeah.

Noel's cat arse party. Noel's pets up the arse party. And now we've got Des O'Connor with a massive python up his arse hole. Now I've got Mr. Blobby with a blobby, Durex, special one, put a hamster in there. Noel has said this. It's a special Durex, it's very strengthened. This is what Noel says. It's got a cat in there.

This is what Noel says. I'm shoving a cat up your arse in a johnny, Mr Blobby, that was the pun. I've got a blobby. Noel says, fuck off, just stop it. Noel has said, I always have a giggle too many people take the living experience too seriously what's the point if we can't be positive have fun and make the world a better place if you can't make money off some fucking horse shit he then revealed he decided to bring forward plans to launch the world's first radio station exclusively for animals

called positively pets okay all the stations are called Positively something like Positively London. Positively Plants. He has one for plants, doesn't he? Yeah. Positively Bollocks. I'd like one

where I get headphones, powerful headphones with a good bass response. Yeah. Either side of the junk. Yeah. No broadcast.

Yeah. Don't do any of that. Don't do any of that. Don't do any of that. Stop it. It's intense. It's an intense vibration coming through the headphones. Thank God you can't see what I've had to close my eyes from. Stop it.

Vibraphone. That's really enough of that. It's enough of that. Vibrawank. That's enough of that. I'm inviting pet owners to send in their audio messages for their loved ones, and we will broadcast them via plus music requests and special relaxing tones for pets left at home alone, he says.

Dear Mr. Squiggles, you have diarrhoea. I will stop feeding you sheba. Good night. It's amazing how a simple, brief phone call can pick up the spirits of the most dejected hamster, the most stressed goldfish, or the most

neurotic cat. Fuck off! Allow me to call your pet and offer positive words of appreciation and motivation. You know, Paul, do you know what they call a stressed out goldfish? What? A goldfish.

There's no way he can, you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, look at my hamster. What's it doing? It's running around and it's gnawing on things. Oh, depressed.

Must be depressed. He wrote a book about reflexology and a book called Positively Happy, Cosmic Ways to Change Your Life. How do you do that, Noel? Noel says that. Make several million in your twenties. Is How do you do that, Noel? Noel says that...

Make several million in your 20s. Is that how you do that? He says he's constantly accompanied by two melon-shaped spiritual energy balls that appear over his shoulder. Yeah. And which he believes to be the spirits of his dead parents. That's it. That's like the stereo ball massage I was talking about earlier.

It's all linked in, Paul. Melon balls of energy. Either side of my... Oscillate your balls. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I saw that. Here come the melon balls. What do you do my... Oscillate your balls. Yeah. Woof, woof. Yeah, I saw that. Here come the melon balls.

Woof, woof. And what do you do? Does it make you cum? Eventually, yeah. How long does it take? Well, I don't know. Shall we see? No.

Let's keep... We've got to keep... I don't want to see you cum. The pace has to increase first, Paul. Slowly. I don't want this to happen. I don't want this to happen. Noel's melon energy balls are in the room.

Woof, woof. I don't want any of this to happen They're wilting from some of the swamp gas near Mount Crotchpants Don't spit it out Paul Do you want a touch? No It's fine Last year he claimed the greatest problem facing humanity was electrosmog

Which is a great band We are electrosmog What do humanity was electrosmog, which is a great band. Yeah. We are electrosmog. What do you think electrosmog is? It is bullshit. It's obviously bullshit. What do you think? He's talking about basically increased electromagnetic communications from our modern world, like Wi-Fi, phones.

And he thinks people are electrosensitive, I think is the way they use it. They're destroying on natural electromagnetic fields, he says. He also believes death was impossible. He also said he believed death was impossible because the body was merely a container for a universal energy. Yeah, so he believes that... When he dies, Noel believes my energy returned to where it came from.

Part of a massive, incomprehensible, universal web of energy. Yeah. On June, on ITV's Good Morning, he revealed he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer three years ago but had been cured by electromagnetic box. I had my tumour destroyed by sound waves, he said. Ooh, melon ball. Cancer destroyers.

Positivity from pets stems from belief in the power of the cosmos. So maybe, he could be suggesting, he put a smiling dog right up his arse. If he's so fucking... If death's not... Tell that to Mr. Lush. If death's not final. Tell that to Mr. Lush's family. Oh, he's part of a web of energy.

I don't even fucking care. My husband's dead. He went back to where he came from. A universal web of energy. Now, I've got points to make about what you just said, Paul. I've got two points to make. Okay, go on. Now, people say, these kind of spiritualists

who have these kind of views, Paul, they say, oh, it's not death because you get absorbed into the one mind of the conscious energy field. That's still dying. If you can't remember who the fuck you were and you're absorbed into something hugely big, that's just like dying.

It's like saying another word for dying your consciousness ends you have no consciousness of yourself as an entity so what's the point I'd rather just fucking die

I don't want to be do you know what I mean so there's that there's that that's bullshit it's still dying also his fucking

electro fog fucking theory right do you have you heard of a little thing Paul called a neutrino? No. They are very, very tiny pieces of matter.

They're a type of particle of matter. The sun produces them, yeah? And they travel at near to the speed of light. But they're so tiny and unreactive that they just go through normal matter usually. They just go through the gaps, okay? There's about a trillion of them. Yeah. Yeah.

That have gone through your eyeballs as we speak. Every second, trillions of them come from the sun. This is not even electromagnetic waves. These are particles of matter. Yeah. Okay. So that's happening all the time. And so he thinks a fucking,

a thing from your phone is going to, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Do you know the point I'm getting at? It's just complete pseudoscientific... It's nonsense. Do you believe... Do you think, oh, my head when the Wi-Fi goes on?

No. No. Does anyone really? No. I don't think so. Maybe old people do. May not understand it quite the same way. They might go, oh, the Wi-Fi box may be funny.

Go wibbly, wibbly. And I touched it. And then a big melon ball came out. A big melon ball. A wobbly melon ball of sex joy. With Noel Edmonds' face beaming out of it. Ooh, and a wobbly melon ball face of Noel. Oh, there it is.

There's the noise. I'm counting that. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? When you make a wobbly, wibbly, wobbly face noise. You invited it, though. Come on, mate. Do it again. No, because you'll, wobbly face noise. You invited it, though. Come on, mate. Do it again.

No, because you'll click. I might not. You will click. I might not. I'm not beholden to your clicker. Yeah, I fucking did it three times. Yes, because you disobeyed me. So anyway, we'll end right with this segment.

Right, yes. Because Deal or No Deal was a very successful show for Noel Edmonds. I thought it was reasonably entertaining, Paul. What did you think? I thought it was a show in the past. I fucking found it boring. Right, yes. Because Deal or No Deal was a very successful show for Noel Edmonds. I thought it was reasonably entertaining, Paul. What did you think? We've done it on the show in the past. I fucking found it

boring as fuck, mate. It is one of those game shows that you could play the whole thing in two minutes, but you had to have other stuff going on in the show. And I think that's what

you're going to talk about now, Paul. Yeah, so John Ronson, the writer, he did books like The Psychopath Test and Men Who Stare at Goats. Thank you very much. Love his books, love his work.

He's kind of a reporter who gets, like, in a kind of Louis Theroux way, he gets to know the people he's talking about. Is he better than Louis Theroux, though? Different kettle of fish. Do you like Louis Theroux? Some, not all. Okay. I'm the same with John Ronson.

Some, not all. Okay. It's fine. They're all fine. They're all good. They're all fine. He spent some time with Noel Edmonds to write a Guardian article And the same with John Ronson. Some, not all. It's fine. They're all fine. They're all good. They're all fine. He spent some time with Noel Edmonds to write a Guardian article

about the culture that built up around... Deal or no deal? No, the article's quite long. I'm not going to get into it right now. I'll put a link on our website to read it. It's a great article. But basically, he goes, it's weird because Noel's brought all his new age thinking

to the logic of this game, which has no logic. It's a guessing game. I don't think there's many... Well, it's a because no one's brought all this new age thinking to the logic of this game, which has no logic. It's a guessing game. I don't think there's many. Well, it's a gambling game. It's a gambling game, but there's not much to it other than eliminate boxes one by one. Yeah, but there's also, you can decide,

the clever thing about it is you get the deal. So you can decide to cut your risk. It's sort of a risk reward. It's a bit more sophisticated than simply just flipping a coin. True. You can say, oh, I've gone so far and you can basically stick or...

Yeah, stick or twist. Or twist, can't you? Do you see what I mean? So there is a strategic element to it like that. But yes, it's a simple gambling game, really. A random game.

But that show could be half its length. But it just, it links into his belief that there is no randomness in the universe. No. It has to do with your positivity and positively envisaging things. Yeah. You know, I've envisaged a hot

dog. Where is that? I still have to go fucking buy the thing, don't I? Yes. Who's going to give me a hot dog now, in the next minute? No, Noel's not. I'm thinking about it though. I'm thinking about it really hard, Paul. Is it echoing in your mouth? Oh, it's turned into a penis. Well there you go

we got that out the way quite quickly. Oh I found one of those. Found one in my pants. Oh yeah. I'm walking down

the road. I'm feeling up my arsehole. With my clicker. Every time you say something fucking stupid. I'll click for you.

Yeah I've said quite a lot. Quite a lot of fucking stupid shit. Right, so, a combination of your wibbly voice mouth... And your stupid... And me saying something stupid and your songs. We're at 26.

That's all right. Yeah. Well, not our average will be. I don't know. Right, so, he ends up spending some time with Noel. He gets to see how weirdly cult-like it becomes. It's very cult-like. The way he gets them all into a room to talk about...

And they're all so enthusiastic and they love each other. Yeah, they want it. Like the cult, like, oh, I hope it's a blue for you, Johnny. Oh, we were talking, weren't we, Johnny, about how you've got cancer and oh, I hate my mum and I hope it's a blue for you. Because that's the difference between the American version and this. The American version doesn't have any of that. Hey, fuck you, buddy.

I hope it's a hundred grand. Yeah. No, just models holding suitcases. Oh, they're models. They're not even contestants. There's no people out there. Because to break it all down, someone has to pick a box and then they're models. They're not even contestants. There's no people out there. Because to break it all down, someone has to pick a box, and then they have 20-odd more boxes to pick one.

They eliminate them and end up with one box one way or the other, and that box is what they win. They could win up to £250,000. Is it more in the States? I think it's more. Maybe. I think it's $500,000. Either way, that's the game.

Yes. It's basically an elimination game, but with lots of psychology and gambling elements put in there. Yeah, but it's, you know, you could just play it as we've proven with the little machine version. You just play it.

You just go, that box, that box, that box, that box. Yeah. If there's none of this superstition and, like, mumbo jumbo attached to it, you just, like, go, all right, 20 grand,

I'll take 20 grand, you know. But everyone's got that. It has got, again, it has got a cult like feel to it where everyone's brainwashed to think the same

because they think if they reward that person with good luck then they'll get it when it's their turn and they all kind of laugh at fucking Noel's shenanigans

his dad jokes and calls up the bank oh oh I've got a bit of a tidy beard this is stilted yeah

again I've done this trick before. I just hope there's a guy on the end of the phone, a producer saying, fuck off, no. Fuck off. Just tell him it's 3,400 pound and fucking just hang up. Hang up.

Hang up. I'd like it if it was some kind of psychic line from his mail and energy balls. Oh, we're going to vibrate your nuts. Meow. Meow. Meow. Anyway, the article talks about that. I like it, his wife going, right, that's it.

The article goes on like that for a while. Look at the backstage stuff. But then they have a one-to-one conversation about Noel's beliefs. So this is where I'll take the article. Okay, great. John writes, it strikes me that Noel Edmonds is probably the only modern-day spiritual guru who would even consider Argos or MFI as an alternative name for the cosmos. That's the odd thing about hanging around here.

The mystical people are not all that old new agey. They're retired bank managers. They work in betting shops. They are Noel Edmonds. And the last time I saw Noel was ten years ago. He barged past me in some country house hotel heading for a helicopter the epitome of the no-nonsense conservative businessman and celebrity off to do some deal he was nothing like the vulnerable

spiritual noel sitting in front of me now if anyone doubts the extent to which the mysticism has permeated his hitherto secular corners of british society they should spend a couple of days behind the scenes at deal or no deal. And I think this is when Noel says, I wrote to the Cosmos that I would like to meet a woman who'll make me laugh and make me happy, Noel tells me. I wrote that I'd like a relationship

that's not too heavy with an attractive lady, and I'd like her to walk into my life by the end of September 2005. And she did. Where did you address it? Not to the Cosmos, but to Russian Brides Are Us. Top class, no

questions asked. P.O. Box 75. That's the name of a Russian company, Cosmos. Oh, right, yeah. Cosmos. Only the most sexy wife, lady. This one even has teeth. She must have teeth. Yes Yes she must be able to Bite and chew her food But what would be

A bonus for me Is she If the teeth come out And then she can give me A good wet A good wet knob off Shut up There was a short silent

Like that Paul Click that two more times But can I just finish this bit? Yeah. Woo woo woo woo. Nets nets. No no. Yeah. Click that three times. Fuck me. Right so there's a short silence and then he

goes on to say she wasn't the person who sold her story to the Sunday paper back Oh he says. John Ronson says she wasn't the person who sold her story to the Sunday people back in July was she? I ask. There's another silence. Oh, he says, John Ronson says, Yes, says Noel. Right, he's still happy with it, though. Whatever. Yeah. She sold her story and that's it

and then she's out of his life now, I guess. But is he not even married? I thought he was a family man. I mean, I don't know. I don't know, to be honest. How can we do several episodes about the man when I don't know. I don't know, to be honest. How can we do several episodes about the man we don't know anything about his marital life? That's one

thing I'll say for him. He doesn't drag his kids into it, does he? They're probably a bit like Alan Potcher's kids. Are you Noel's son? No, mate. Stay away. I'm out of it. Probably for the best. Yeah. Unless the apple doesn't fall too far of the tree. He goes, there's some dickhead in the pub last night

trying to sell me a TV concept perhaps his kids are like no dad could I have 50 quid because I want to

you know go out and he goes just envisage it you know put this red string on yeah and listen to this video

of my melon farmers I tell Noel there's a whole bit that I've just missed out, but he goes, I tell Noel that I can't understand why he doesn't give up the mysticism.

I've spent three days here watching three shows a day and I've seen so many disappointments, so many broken dreams, so many systems, telepathic or otherwise, that didn't pan out. Yeah, of course they don't.

It's utter shit. And Noel has presented 300 shows. By now, he must know that life is just random, right? By loo, the format of the show is on. Yeah, yeah.

It just proves it well first Noel replies it was the cosmos that gave him deal or no deal in 1999 the BBC had

unceremoniously dumped him I want a second series yeah after 20 years it looked like he'd never work on TV again and he was a workaholic without work

so he spent 5 fellow years throwing himself into the business and charities it is fucking Partridge, isn't it? He certainly is. Renewable energy. And then the Cosmos

gave him Deal or No Deal. It was a huge success. Nominated for a BAFTA, winning a Royal Television Society Award, a Rose Door. Have you ever looked up Deal or No Deal on the internet? Noel asks.

It can do your head in. Did you know that someone's compiling a dictionary of my phrases? This is true. A large Wikipedia entry is dedicated to old and oft-repeated expressions, like some people call it an entertainment drama, some the Red Box Club. Welcome to Planet Tension. It's not how you start, it's how you finish, and so on. Someone else says it's tracking the repetition of my shoes, trousers, and shirts.

I'm delighted people are reading so much into it. I want to be popular. I want people to like me. Not long ago, I talked to someone in the audience and she went to pieces just because I was talking to her. It's really important I keep my feet on the ground here. Wow, he's just messed up inside. Yeah. He's a messed up guy.

But then Noel says something else. There's another reason why he still believes in mysticism. He says that after 300 shows shows he now knows practically every time how someone's going to do before they've opened a single box uh no bullshit how if you did then you could make money from that and you could say yeah you could say couldn't he he could go i know how you're gonna do write it down if you're so so fucking confident about this, she will do this well, and then open it and go,

look, the cosmos. But you wouldn't do that, would you? No, because you are talking utter shit. Take your melon energy balls. Yeah? Yeah. Clasp them round my nuts. Put the voltage up. Woof, woof, woof.

Stop it. Click it. Fucking hell. I like it. Anyway. put the voltage up woo woo woo stop it click it fucking hell I like it anyway I like it when they do it John asks I like it Paul I know

John asks how do you think you know and Noel pauses how deep can I go here I like that as deep as you like then he says take Edward

Edward I'm not really sure about Edward I've got a funny feeling it may go horribly wrong for Edward Noel says he knows just by the way As deep as you like. Then he says, take Edward. Edward. I'm not really sure about Edward. I've got a funny feeling it may go horribly wrong for Edward. Noel says he knows just by the way Edward walks, by his aura. You can tell winners by the way they walk. And Edward doesn't walk this way. Yesterday, another contestant, Mark, told me that Edward needed a big win more than anyone else here.

Edward's got nothing, Mark says. Literally nothing. He's completely skint. I know something Edward doesn't know. I've seen the call sheet. Edward's game is going to says. Literally nothing. He's completely skint. I know something Edward doesn't know. I've seen the call sheet. Edward's game is going to start in a couple of hours. Just before I leave Knowles Winnebago, I spotted a type sheet of paper lying on the kitchenette. I look closer.

It contains notes about what the contestants got up to in the hotel last night. It started because of ill health, Knowles says. Edward's getting colds. I needed to know what was happening. What? Isn't that fucking weird? But once the colds cleared up, the daily reports to Noel continued.

For example, Noel said if a pair of amorous contestants succeed leaving the bar together, the production system will write down the news and Noel will read about it at breakfast. He'll turn on the closed circuit TV that he has. It's like Slither. You know what I mean?

He's like, right, they're fucking... Wanking. Oh, thank you very much, John. Going back to the... Right, switch on this, turn that on. Oh, they're fucking... Wanking. Oh, thank you very much, John. Going back to the... Switch on this, turn that on. Oh, they're having sex. I'm going to wank.

Oh, me gun's tank. Oh, the cosmos asked me to spunk in its mouth. I wish you'd come here and grab my grand. Come on. Get the melon energy balls out! Oh, I gotcha. Gotcha! It's like the prisoner or something.

He's probably got a fucking pen, like a psychic pen with the energy balls in there and he opens it and they go they're like his psychic watchdogs paul they're like they're like the dogs out of paul they're like getting very excited they're like the dogs out of ghostbusters yeah but they're melon balls right so. So anyway, Edward goes up. He's picked. This is the Edward who is penniless.

Edward who needs it more than anyone else. Edward who, as Noel has psychically predicted, will have a terrible game but doesn't have the aura of a winner either. Two hours later

and the contestants are crying. Nalini blames it on the fire alarms. We're all so tired, she says. If we haven't got the energy, how can we give off positive vibes? That's why

Edward opened all the wrong boxes. Whatever. Noel was right. Edward walked away with one pound. Wow. Perhaps there's something to this. So maybe we shouldn't be bothering Edmund. Maybe he has got a power. Maybe Edmund has a special little box in his room, and it's got

little maquettes of us in there. And he looks at it and he goes Cosmos, rain, blood. Well, he could do anything at any time. He could make us bum each other involuntarily. No, Paul! No! Get down. Sit your fat butt down.

No one has control of me. No one does not have control of you. No one has control of me. Stop! You've got my sweat on your hand now. Just no bumming gags. It's fucking old, mate. At least something else.

Like come in your face or give you a slap. Put my thumb in your mouth. Just put my thumb in your mouth and rest it on your tongue. And then what does Noel make us do? And then Noel makes us do patty cake faster and faster and faster until we can't do it anymore. Until the flesh is hanging from our hands. And there's bones instead. And then they start to shatter.

And you can hear them laughing. Clacker, clacker, clacker. Clacker, clacker, clacker. Then the melon balls come. And then we start just ever so slightly headbutting each other. Just headbutting each other a little bit. And then it gets a little bit. And then it gets a little bit.

And then it gets a little bit. And then you can hear the crack of the bone breaking. And then we're just like smashing our eyes and nose and brain matter into each other's heads over and over and we're still doing patacake with our broken skeleton bones

and Noel's just like I gotcha! I gotcha! I gotcha! And then when they find us our corpses are perfectly fine. Okay. Good.

So on that note I never want to mention Noel Edmonds ever again well if something happens we're going to have to bring him up Paul like if he one dies

two gets done for paedophilia three if he makes some kind of stupid claim or if he wins against Lloyds I think in those circumstances we should be able

we'll be the Noel report yeah Noel's round we'll have the Noel's round Noel's round like news round but Noel's round yeah right well you'll read on your mantle of Knowles round. We'll have the Knowles round. Knowles round. Like news round, but Knowles round. Yeah.

Right, well, thank you. You'll read on your mantle of Noel and Nardo, and we'll do a little Knowles round on us, yeah? But fundamentally, this is the last time we touch Noel. Okay. I'm ready to drop Noel. That's what his wife once said. That's the last time I want to touch you. And that's what the guy said to Mr. Lush.

Noel, fuck off. You're ready to drop now to Mr. Lush. No, fuck off. You're ready to drop now, Mr. Lush. And they went, no, can we have the go, Ed? Yes. And then what made it even worse was that Noel was just rubbing his hands and clasping him like that at the time. If Noel can see the fucking future, why couldn't he see the class breaking on the fucking bungee cord? Well, hold there. Maybe he could.

Yeah. Maybe he wanted out. Allegedly. What, you think he killed a man to get out of his BBC contract? because he was going to be... He got the cosmos to do it.

Oh, that's dark. He got his melon balls, psychic guard dogs, his psychic enforcer melon energy ball dogs, which isn't a sentence I've ever said before.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly we're accusing him of killing a man to get out of his BBC contact. With his psychic energy melon balls? To get an American US career instead. I would like a t-shirt with some melon balls on.

No, you know what? This is getting dark. We've got to move on. He's a Satanist. No more no's. He's a Satanist. Nonce. Allegedly.

Right, and that's Cheap Show for another episode thank you for listening to Cheap Show I rarely felt more fevered and sweaty it's a hot one

it's a hot one mate so keep that Patreon money coming we love it don't sound green you sound like a bloody evangelist

well why not let's take a different approach no just be earnest like we have been. If you want to give to us on Patreon, you can. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. A little as lot as you want. You get little perks and things like the magazines, the podcasts.

I actually like to look at it. Every time someone starts to donate. Yeah. You touch it. A little stroke. It's just a little stroke. A little pat. A little pat pat.

Like, well done. Pat pat. Yeah. Pat pat. Weird. Pat pat. Weird. Pat pat. And then you increase the temperature. Stop it.

And then you increase the pace. Oh, mate, stop it. Click that fucking thing, because I'm dismayed. You increase the intensity, and then I'm smacking my nuts. No! No! Stop. No!

Ow! Ow! Paul! Stop it. Seriously, stop it. I'm trying to wrap this up. It's 57 minutes. And then I'm smacking my nuts!

So, thank you for giving. If you do on Patreon, if you don't, don't worry about it. You can do something as awesome as just going onto iTunes and rating reviewers on the iTunes app as well.

You don't even have to do that, do you? It helps. You can just listen to one word of this. The word... I'm just trying to do admin and finish the episode, mate. Let me finish.

I'm not going to. Let me finish. I'm not going to. Let me finish. I'm going to stab you with this pen again. Don't stab me with the pen. Well, then shut up and let me do the admin. Paul.

Let me do the admin or I'll stab you. Fuck me. Shut up. Email us anytime you like about anything you like. Thecheapshow

at gmail.com That's not the address. Go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk and every episode has a page dedicated to it I'm going to put all the videos and links that we've mentioned in this episode

on that page and you can listen along there too on Twitter I am at Paul Gannon's show the show account is thecheapshowpod when you say the show account it's the one where you diss me

under the fucking guise of being the show what's your Twitter account? Eli Snoid. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. That's it, Paul. Thank you.

Right. And we have a Reddit page and we have a Facebook page and a Tumblr. Just look for Cheap Show and you'll probably find it. Get involved. Have a little bit of a natter and a chat with us on there. I think we could still do with some more dead pet stories. Why not? I've given up at this point.

What do you mean you've given up? Asking for classiness from this audience. Dirty. I want to wash you all. I want to have you in a big bucket, all the listeners, one by one. I dip their naked body into a bucket of soapy water and I scrub and I scrub and I scrub and I scrub and I scrub and I scrub until they're all clean and happy

and I put them in a little blanket and I tie it up together and I put it on a clothesline that's moving away on a conveyor belt and they go to the happy land of happy tits. Do you want to sing a song, Paul? No. I don't. Good, I'm glad. Bye.

Bye.