CheapShow - Ep 90: Three Simple Phrases

Episode Date: August 23, 2018

It's been a long time coming, but we are returning to "Life Hacks" in this week's episode. However, we asked our audience to suggest them and, well, we may have made a mistake. Eli is especially critical of some of them, so apologies in advance. We do, instead, discover 3 simple phrases to live by and uncover a creepy little perk Eli is willing to offer if you see him DJing. So what else happens, then? Elsewhere, Eli is HEAVILY censored, we taste test two exciting Instant Noodles, become befuddled by some Morons from Outer Space vinyl and remain shocked by a game changing gaff in The Price of Shite! Welcome to the economy comedy podcast of your dreams! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

What do you think a snickle is? Is it a... Someone sent me this on, I think, Twitter, maybe Reddit. A snickle? A snickle. So here's a snickle. Is it animal, mineral, vegetable or... Vegetable and mineral, I guess.

Vegetable and mineral. Well, definitely vegetable. Is it a type of stone cucumber? Oof. Oof. No. No. No.

Is it some kind of fungal yeast infection? No. It's a foodstuff. You can eat it. kind of fungal yeast infection? No. It's a foodstuff. You can eat it. You can eat a snickle. Is it a snail's antennae, lightly battered? Oh, very nice. No, it's not that.

Is it... This episode doesn't start until you get it right. Is it a frog's perineum? It's a delicacy, sir. No, it's not that. That's a brewer's widow, that is. Oh, right. Yeah.

Call back. Yeah. All right, fuck you, then. I've lost the will to live. Have you? Yeah. Cheer up, Eli. I'll tell you what a snickle is.

Yes. A snickle, right, is you take a pickle and you hollow it out and you push a Snickers bar in the middle of it. So it's half Snickers, half pickle. See, I don't go for that. I don't go for that. No, I can do. No, I can do.

I don't go for that. No, I can do. I won't go for that. I refuse to do that. No, I can do. No, I won't do that. No, I can do. I won't do that.

No, I... Would you try it? Yeah, I'd try it. Yeah? Yeah. Great. Well, I can do. No, do the intro. I can't go for that. Can do, I'd try it. Yeah? Yeah. Great. Well, I can do. No, do the intro.

I can't go for that. Can do I. Can I. I can do. You will go for that. I will do that. Can I. I've done that now.

I will do that. I will done for that. I have done that. Right, well, can we now move on? Well, in case you didn't guess already, yeah, boy, it's time. What? No, I like that. It's time. It's time what no it's time it's time for cheap show again here's me eli silverman straight live and direct from the steaming house of pickles all the brewsters

oh yeah and here's paul he's the gannon he's the gannon man he's the gannon man and here he comes and he can do what he can. No, can do what? Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show, show you're gonna have to fucking reset. Moodle time. Tales from the dance floor.

How's the Bitcoin? The price of the site? This is for guaranteeing hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show. We're not going on nuzzle. Right, hello. Hello.

Hello, Eli. Hello. Welcome to the Economy Comedy Podcast, where Eli and I weekly go through the bargain basements and charity shops on powerlands of Great Britain and see if we can find some treasure amongst that trash. Let me just pick you up on that. Let me just... Fuck, how long?

Let me just hold you. Two minutes, 38 seconds in. Great, here we go. The bargain basements of charity shops, you said. You say the bargain basements of... Charity shops. Have you? I've never been to

a bargain basement. That's a lie. I have been to a bargain basement. Yeah. Where? In a record shop. In a record shop? Yeah.

Yeah? And there's a bargains down there. Is that one in Soho? Is it that place in Soho? No, it's not there anymore. Is it not? It was the record and tape exchange. And it's gone?

It's gone. I'm never going down there for some bargain. There's a redevelopment on Berwick Street. Oh, it's all going a bit upmarket, is it? It's all going anymore. Is it not? It was the record and tape exchange. And it's gone. It's gone. I remember going down there for some bargain. The redevelopment on Berwick Street. Oh, it's all going a bit upmarket, isn't it? It's all going a bit classed. Oh, gentrified. It'll be all chain shops, basically. Lament the loss of your high street, ladies and gentlemen.

Lament its loss. And they had the bargain basement, and they had, like, you could get... Why are you licking your lips? It's a tasty story. Yeah, you could get singles for 10p. Nice. And I bought Tom Jones... Yeah?

What's it called? The Lonely One. Really? For 10p? I fucking love that song. It's very cheap. When people go, here's the top best songs ever by Tom Jones,

that's never on the list. No. It should be. It's like the most atypical Tom Jones groove beatdown track. It's a fucking barnstormer. It's like the most atypical Tom Jones groove beat down track. Are you fucking... It's a fucking barnstormer. It's a very good

Tom Jones track. It's fucking wicked. The other one that is famously funky is Looking Out My Window. Looking out my window Look what I see The dead is new

My nurse is coming back With my nap He I've filled my nap With my nap Oh yeah Okay. That went a bit wrong. Happy. I've filled my napkin up. Oh, yeah. Okay.

That went a bit wrong. I need a medical poultice. What a medical poultice. It is. It's the second time you've used the word poultice now when we've been recording. Well, I've used it a lot of times before, Paul. You just ignored me. Oh.

Well, maybe I'm picking up on it now. You are picking up on it. What's poultice? It's some kind of ointment. It's a prepared ointment put in a cloth. Oh. Well, maybe I'm picking up on it now. What's poultice? It's some kind of ointment. It's a prepared ointment put in a cloth. Right. I think, yeah. But what makes it special? Nothing. It's a medical thing, so you can put what you like in it. And you

want to put in... Do you even remember what you said now? Because you know what? Looking at the rain. Did you say horse poultice? Someone's you say horse poultice? Someone's got a horse poultice. So. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show.

It is Cheap Show. And what is happening today on this episode of Cheap Show? On Cheap Show, we are going to be, we haven't done it in a while, but we're going to do Cheap Show life hacks. It's exciting. We haven't done it in a while, but we've asked our lovely listeners on Twitter, hashtag CheapShowHacks. So basically, things that we used to come up with, we're outsourcing them to the listeners,

and so we won't even get them to record it for us. It's fucking great. Love it. Just get them to do it. No, because then you'd get people we don't know pretending to be us. Then we wouldn't have to do it anymore. No, but it'd be weird if I listened to CheapShow.

One day it was some dude who sounds a bit like you and someone just does a zippy voice for you. And I sound Paul Garan. Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr- sound bites where it's like frothy ararara frothy uh pointers all that kind of stuff yeah be weird well i'm just saying we've outsourcing everything you know it's a slow creep of outsourcery yeah it's strange isn't it and uh eventually you know maybe we'll be sitting here playing our playing ourselves on a keyboard that plays all of our phonemes you mean like that soundboard someone made for us a google Yes, which you've used.

So you've already tried this shit. Yeah. It's the slow creep of outsourcery. I could outsource you in a heartbeat. Oh yeah, who would you get? Who would you get?

I'd just get a big fucking bag of cum socks and just put a smiley face on it, googly eyes. That'd be more entertaining than you. Good. Yeah?

I'm glad we've done this. I could put a big arms load of severed dicks together and lean it against them. Ooh. Lean. I'm glad we've done this. I could put a big arms load of severed dicks together lean it against them. Lean it against the microphone. And it would offer more than you ever did to an episode. Yeah, but it would also, I mean think of the trouble you'd get into.

Like the police bursting. Explain yourself. I had to get rid of him and I took all the penises. Yeah, from where? Where would you even find that many penises? I dug them up. Yeah, I mean, this is bad. I dug them up while they were fresh, while they were still in bloom.

Your voice isn't good for this. You needed more of a... I dug up the penises, master. I dug up the penises, master. I collected them in jars. Give me a sniff. Now, give me a sniff. Here you go, master.

These aren't fresh. Where did you get these penises? Oh, I got some from the second cock store. It's like second hand, but not as good as joke. Anyway, we're doing life hacks. And then we've got a price of shite. I've collated the price of shite tonight, and I think you'll enjoy it.

All right. Okay, good. And then finally, we're going back to Eli's Country Noodle Kitchen for some more delicate noodley delights. And do you want to just drop a few hints of what we can expect? Well, there's one that I've been bringing up a lot, which is an outstanding noodle. And it's a noodle that straddles the line between the traditional distinction of fried style and soup style instant noodles, Paul. And this straddles the line.

It's the best of both worlds. And it's really something I'm excited about. And the other one, also a mold breaker, Paul, and an unusual thing I certainly haven't tried. I'll just give you a little clue here. Yeah, go on. It has to do with the temperature. Right, great. Well, we're all on tent hooks now, wondering what's around the corner in country noodle kitchen we'll get there

but let's go via life hacks first it's actually a good look that hey welcome back to the House of Pickles. Fancy more cheap show? Let's do it. Okay, then. So we're going to do... So yeah, ages ago, I would challenge you to come up with some life hacks, some ways to improve your life by making little cheat code moments to it.

And he failed numerously, over and over. You know little pots from pizza? They fit in a table hole. That was a brilliant one. It's not, because why does it make your life easier? Because you've got somewhere to put your sauces, Paul. Where does your umbrella go? Look at the house of pickles.

Look at the chaos of my sauce trough. That is anarchy. If I had some kind of vestibular, if I had some kind of trough actually built in to the surface of the table, how neat and tidy would that be? It would be lovely. It would. And then we'd have all places for the ketchup. It's drawing me in.

The sauce mound. The saucedopia. You are getting lost in it. In Reverie. I can see it. I can see the sparkle of magic in his eyes. There's an unusual one there. That's hot sauce from Walk to Walk.

Have you ever been to Walk to Walk? No. Is it a walk shop? No, they just do. You go, I'll have those, and I'll have that, and I'll have some of those. And it's on a trough. And what's that? I'll put some of that in, and then you put that.

Okay. And then they go, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk. Racist. And then you walk. So you get the walk, and you can walk with it. Yeah, got it. Cool. A little noodle box.

Yeah. Cool. They're springing up everywhere. Is it good hot chilli sauce? Don't give a fuck, mate. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. You can't first say you don't give a shit.

I just did, though. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit more. It's just in my sauce trough. No, I give a shit less. More? Less. I give more of a shit.

I give less more of a shit. Imagine someone who, you give that to someone as a compliment. He gives, he so gives a shit. And imagine he actually did come round your house and give you a shit. Imagine someone who, you give that to someone as a compliment. He gives, he so gives a shit. And imagine he actually did come round your house and give you a shit. What does he do? Oh man, he gives a shit.

He gives, he gave a shit. He gives a shit so hard. He gave a shit to me the other day. He did a really hard shit. It was a hard pebbly shit and he really gave it. His eyes are watering.

He gave a shit. You know? He put the effort in. Yeah. Right, anyway, we're doing life hacks because we used to do them and eli always let me down so we've asked you our fantastic cheapskate listening army don't own a dog was another classic that was all i gave you that one right because then it was like uh don't

have a kid you don't buy toilet paper that was another good one awful you always should buy toilet paper don't buy it you can get it everywhere. You can get tissue everywhere. But then the stuff they make would go to waste. Well, then they should pull up their pants after they've wiped their arse with some style of toilet paper. Here are the cheap show hacks. Hashtag cheap show hacks sent in. We're going to evaluate them as we go, see how we feel. Yeah.

So they have to pass our muster. Okay. Yeah. Muster or duster? Muster or bust? Muster or bust? Muster or bust? I must or bust? Muster or bust? I must.

I must. I must improve my bust. Right, here we go. This is from a... At fin4lefps. So it reads... I don't know why I'm doing that voice. So it reads like finale FPS. No, this bit really just...

I don't care. Yeah. Oh, sorry. He says, when you go to Sainsbury's or Tesco's or any other mainstream shop if you need a bag just go to the

bakery aisle and take one of the ones they have there. That's good. You like that one? Yeah. It's reasonably

practical. I won't say that. You don't spend money in the bag. No of course. It's great. Five stars. Five stars.

Great. Travis T who you upset. We just had a tweet from saying he just lifted the episode where you slammed him

and broke his soul what did I say oh his pro style was weird yeah it was too chummy and too funny okay well you know

I've got my opinions Paul you do yeah so he says tired of people stealing apples from your apple tree pick a bunch of apples

and put them in a bucket at the base of the tree with needles inside the apples. Doesn't win you over as like the first one. You just thought this was a bit spiteful, isn't it? It's nasty.

It's like we were saying in that previous episode, Paul, about people who just prank people but don't hang around to see the prank. What's he in some tree watching me like... Giggle him.

...injure myself on some apple? It'd be easier to just put the razors in the tree. Why not just go up to someone and slash their mouth? Fucking monster. You know what I mean? All right, Travis. Moving on.

He hasn't redeemed himself, Paul. He's sitting at home listening to this going, Ow. Whatever. I like you, Travis. Not as much as Eli doesn't. Avoid making... This comes from a guy called Guffo, or atpixelguff.

Atpixelguff. It's an amusing name. It's witty. He looks funny in his photo. Good, I don't need this again. Just give me the hack. Avoid making embarrassingly loud farts at work or in public by simply slipping a tampon up your nipsey to muffle the noise.

As a bonus, it will also mop up any stray shartage. Ooh. I mean, it will also mop up any stray shartage. I mean, it's practical, but will it choke a fart? I don't know. I don't want to find out, I have to say, Paul. Is it like a silencer for your bumhole? You'd feel like you needed a shit, and then all water would seep out.

It'd be more like... Really? God, is this who listens to us? This is what they think we want. I've got a fucking needle in my gum. My palate is injured. Now I've got a fucking tampon up my arse. All right, here we go.

Well, this comes from at James Joyner and says, tell everyone you work with that you have a twin so that you don't have to acknowledge or talk to them if you see them outside of work. That's pretty cool. That's pretty good. I've got a twin so that you don't have to acknowledge or talk to them if you see them outside of work that's pretty cool that's pretty good i've got a twin so if i see you in the street and you wave and i don't see you that's my twin always my twin yeah because i just go home i go to work and i go home yeah that would work wouldn't it yeah you have to sort of bring it up a lot oh good morning bob twin twin got a twin looks exactly like me uh eli is the report ready for. Twin. Got a twin. Got a twin that looks exactly like me. Eli, is the report ready for Tuesday? I have a twin.

Alright, okay. Okay, we know that. Alright, okay. Did I mention that? No. He says another one. He sends another one. Letting out a silent fart when opening a dearly triangle will convince dinner guests it's an expensive French cheese. These are more like

top tips now, aren't they? Oh, what if they've stolen them? We've got to drop, yeah, we've got to draw the line. What if they've stolen them and we're repeating them

from this? That would be like what Keith Chegwin used to do. Rest his soul. Is he? Oh yeah, he's dead. He is.

You know he made a film called Kill Keith. Kill Keith. Oh, did he? And it's a spoof comedy about this guy who wants to kill Keith Chegwin so he has to be protected but it's a bit weird and it's got people like just actors. And he produced it's a spoof comedy about this guy who wants to kill Keith Chegwin so he has to be protected

but it's a bit weird it's got people like oh just actors and he produced it himself Timothy Biggins is probably in it it's that kind of film and he produced it himself I don't think he did

I think it was like a script written for him to be in and he did it yeah and was it like a sort of post-modern deconstruction no it was like a straight to DVD

kind of movie it did not see the inside of a cinema I don't think you know yeah the trailer's online. I might put a link on the webpage

if I can find it. Okay. Just so you know. Fuck, it looks bad. Yeah, well, he was the king of shit, wasn't he, basically? There's a lot of, like,

celebrities playing themselves in it kind of guys. Oh, terrible. Yeah, so, looks great. Right. Sam Davin says,

tired of paying for bottled water when you're thirsty? Find a pigeon and drink its blood. Nice. Would you do that, though? You'd have to. You'd have to.

Would you? To survive? Yeah. If you're so thirsty you were going to die. Okay. Let's say there'd been some kind of apocalyptic event and you're scrabbling through the dirt. What if the pigeons are poisonous, toxic? Still, it doesn't matter. You die after two

days with no fluid after two days. You've got to just take that risk. You've got to drink that piss. You've got to go for the stagnant water.

You've got to squeeze a pigeon into your mouth. Wow. Beautiful prose. Oscarman97 says, sick of the hot weather during the

summer, don't wear clothes. That doesn't work, though, because it's so hot that it makes no difference. And also, you don't wear clothes, there's nothing to soak up the sweat, so you get a really slick feeling, you know? Really slick, oily feeling. I've got a little bit of wood then.

Anyway, Aaron at Sire says, nothing on TV stick some scrunched up tinfoil in the microwave for a cheap and quick light show.

I've done that. Don't recommend it but it's a lot of fun. Yeah, why not just put a little bag of crisps in and it shrinks

down to mini size. Why not just put a lighter match? You could. Watch it, blow it out, light

another one. Have you done this in your darkest hours? Watch it, blow it out, light another one. Sit in your bed, light a match. Yeah. Watch it, blow it out like have you done this in your darkest hours blow it out like a match yeah watch it blow it out like another one dread watch existential blow it out like another one christ watch it blow it out like a match thomas jefford says blow it out if you're

in a club and don't like the music find a d DJ desk and ask the DJ for music you like instead. Ah. I see what he's done there. I see. He's been a bit antagonistic. He's a hateful, hateful little burk. But what if someone reads that and goes, that's a good idea, and then one night they come across you.

Excuse me, mate. You're DJing. Yeah, what? Yeah, sorry. One second. Yes, what's your request? Mate, I'm just wondering, I'm loving the vibe you're doing tonight, but I just wonder if you could play something a bit more funky?

Have you got something more funky? No. No. Have you got something like that one you played two tracks ago? No. Can I have something funky? No. Have you got funky music?

No, I have to put the next record on, sorry. I'll get the fucking security Yeah That's it Alright mate I'm sorry I just saw this Twitter thing And I just got I just thought it'd be okay A Twitter thing I saw it on Twitter yeah

Yeah that makes me hate you even more Mate have you got this song on my Spotify If I show you my Spotify No I don't want to do that Have you got that No Can I touch you No

I really just want to touch you This is just small talk Do you want to come in the booth If you give us a tenner Yeah Come in the booth You can look through my records tenner. Yeah. Come in the booth. You can look through my records. You can look through my records.

I'll take pictures of you. Yeah. Yeah. You can pretend you're the DJ. Oh, I like it. It's not a bad idea, that. You be the DJ. What about that?

Here's a challenge for you to be the DJ, yeah? I'll take five. You look through the records. Give us a tenner, yeah? You, you be the DJ. All right, I'd like that. Will you like it? I will. Are you scaring me?

Yeah. You're actually freaking me out. Wow. Read another one. All right, okay. Mike Carter says, a genuine one my nan used was from one of those woman's misery magazines. Put half a lemon in the fridge to make the fridge smell nice and the milk tastes funny. Oh, that's nice.

I mean. I don't need my fridge to smell nice. No. No. You actually know you do. Do I? It's a bit gross. It's got cheese in it. Read it. Just give me a look. Like, oh, know you do. Do I? It's a bit gross. It's got cheese in it.

Read it. Just give me a look like, oh, this is bad. Yeah. Oh, this is from Shiana, the girl in America. She writes, need a quick and easy way to reduce your carbon footprint. Try dying. Well, it's true. She's very young.

That's a very dark thought. Cheer up, love. It's going to be all right. Well, I mean, it's not. Not all right at the end. It's never all right, is it? No, it's never all right. Because that's a very dark yeah cheer up love it's gonna be all right well i mean it's not not right at the end it's never all right no it's never that's when you die depending on how you go don't is it all right you want to go in your sleep yeah but isn't yeah or do you want to go in your sleep or kicking and screaming like the people in the bus i'm driving i've got a life hack paul. Yeah. I've been brewing it.

Yeah, like a fart. It's going to stink. Okay. Now, a lot of people have trouble with language. I know you do. Sometimes you struggle to find the right word and put them in the right order. Everyone struggles with expressing themselves. Yeah.

Yeah. It's true. At some point or another in their lives, Paul. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. All you need really is two phrases. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All you need really is two phrases. Yeah. To everything. It covers everything. These two phrases. Okay. One is positive.

Yeah. One is negative. Okay. And there's one that's neutral. Get to the point. All you need are these three phrases to express every level of human emotion or information that you want to communicate to someone. If you want to communicate anything to someone,

all you need is one of these three faces. Right. Here's the positive. Fucking hell. Here's the positive. Christ. Great track. Okay.

Great track. This is when you speak to a DJ? No, no. This is in life. You weren't even listening. I explained it seven times to you. It just seems nice track. You didn't even pick up on what I was trying to say. It seems very specific. Say again. Right. Here weren't even listening. I explained it seven times to you. It just seems nice track. You didn't even pick up

on what I was trying to say. It seems very specific. Do you want me to say it again? Right. Here's a life hack. All you need are these three phrases to express everything you ever want to say in life.

Okay? Is that clear? Is that clear to you, Paul? Yeah. First, the positive one. Great track. I know, but that sounds very specific to being

in a nightclub. No. It doesn't seem... Great track. Oh, that document Very specific to being In a nightclub No Great track Oh that document You turned in yesterday Was really good Great track Yeah

No That works Alright okay well then That's one It works with everything Two The neutral phrase Yeah

Try the fish Right try the fish Try the fish Okay And then This is fucking bullshit The negative phrase Yeah

For any negative thing Yeah Tough crowd Tough. Tough crowd. Tough crowd. Tough crowd. Give me anything. Just come up with any situation. How was that date you went on last night?

Tough crowd. Yeah, no fucking shit. Was that a tough crowd? So that worked, didn't it? Yeah, I guess so. Okay, give me another situation. All right, no. We're going on to the next one.

Tough crowd. Tom Just Tom says, Can't sleep? Drink two cans of strong lager, two cans of energy drinks, stick a small vibrating device in your rectal area and play a 10-hour video of a woman screaming on your headphones. You won't sleep, but you'll stay long enough

to make it till tomorrow evening. No, he doesn't like that one. JD LaCrome says, Sleep instead of doing things that stress you out. I live by this one. That's an excellent one. It's not. That's an excellent one.

Sometimes anxiety is worse. You need sleep, Paul. You do. You need sleep. But sometimes I think that means avoiding the problem and it puts it off and makes it worse and therefore makes the anxiety worse. But then you don't experience it.

You don't experience the anxiety whilst you're asleep. No, but that's good. It cures it. It doesn't cure it at all. It cures it while you're asleep. It's a difficult subject to have. But it remains true that sometimes you can feel better by just tackling the problem head on.

I've got something that stresses me out. And then you have a nap. Then I have a nap. I just have a nap. Yeah, because that's why you don't do anything for the show. Yeah, what a face. Oh, wow. Straight in there.

Ronan Ferris says, be Paul Gannon. That's a life hack, isn't it? Yeah. Try the fish. Tough crowd. Yeah. Don't want people, Seb Cox says, at Catnip Corner, don't want people to sit near you on the bus, tube,

and invade your personal space. Blow your nose loudly and pretend you're disease ridden. Great track. So who was it who did it? Was it like, oh, someone said this on TV. I don't know who said it. If you don't want anyone to sit next to you on a train, make eye contact with the person who looks at your seat

and just pat the seat like that oh that's brilliant just look at them and go go on take a seat and they'll be like well maybe not then yeah but then if they do

I mean it depends if they're some huge insane looking motherfucker and then you do it and then they go alright yeah

Gary McCoy says putting a piece of bread in with your brown sugar to keep it from getting hard and lumping together is that an actual proper one put a piece of bread in with your brown sugar to keep it from getting hard and lumping together is that an actual proper one put a piece of bread

because it will absorb the moisture that would otherwise go into the bread you could put gel packs into it you could put gel packs but then if you've got children

you don't want to meet in the gel packs here's a life hack apparently right in your pants put the gel packs in no

make a poultice out of gel packs tape it up really tight. Why? And it will dry your panties right out. That will dry probably your dick in. I'll dry my dick in.

Shut up. Imagine. No, shut up. Let me tell you this fucking fact. Imagine trying to have sex. But all you could do was hydrate and dehydrate your penis. That was the extent of the movement. Like it was space food.

Yeah. You inject a bit of water and it would kind of go from chalky. You wouldn't the movement. Like it was space food. Yeah. You inject a bit of water, it goes kind of go from chalky. You wouldn't inject it. I mean, come on. Chalky, and it goes from chalky to succulent. No, you just try it out. Slowly, your partner would go, ooh. No, they wouldn't.

And then you go, right, I'm rehydrating this. And then you just put it in a humid atmosphere for a day. This is awful. This is so bad, I've literally forgot what my proper life act was going to be oh no so you know when you buy like electronics and nowadays

you get a little little sachet that says silica gel yes which is if you collect them and put them in a jar what they say is if for instance

you drop your phone into the sink and it gets wet you can stick it in the jar with the silica gel and it's much more effective than rice to dry the phone out

so you can make use of all those little sachets would you have to open them all no you've just got to keep them in the sachet as is yeah but you do have to collect them all? No, you've just got to keep them in the sachet as is. Yeah, but you do have to collect

quite a lot of them. Well, you probably would, but then don't drop your phone in the fucking sink. I never have dropped my phone in the sink. Might happen now you've said it out loud. Yeah.

You might have cursed it. Right. Gary McCoy also says, using Coke to clean the terminals on your car battery. Does that sound a real thing? Sounds real, yeah. Sounds dangerous though as well, doesn't it?

Well, you know. Don't veer, don't turn the car on. Zappy, zappy, zap. Oh, veer. Avoid acid reflux, says Travis T from Food or Drink. Mix antacid tablets into your food and drink. You get him in there? Get him in there.

Sounds like he's nicked out from Viz. Probably. Leia says, she saw a hack video the other day that said, if you've got a hole in your sock, colour your toe in with a sharpie of the same colour.

Mate, that's so old. That's so old. That's such an old joke. I want a hack, like, you know. What? Like your fucking pizza hole thing. No, it's not good.

I want hacks like that. Pizza hole. Is that the end of this shitty segment? Oh? No, it's not good. I don't want hacks like that. Pizza hole. Is that the end of this shitty segment? Oh, all right, mate. Fucking hell. It's you, Paul. It's your fault. I blame you.

You're just like, oh, cunt. Come cunt, write some shit for me. Don't tell me if you nick it from Vistar. You're such a prick. Fuck you and fuck this. All right. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite.

It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. That's all right. That is right indeed. It's time to just delve straight in. That's right. I've gone to a number of charity shops. That's right.

And I've picked up a few bits of objet d'art. Objet d'art. Objet d'art. Objet d'art. I know. I'm going to deliver them to you but we are also playing the cliffhanger edition

it's cliffhanger edition I'm bringing it back because I like it so I'm just going to get my calculator out so I can add steps why don't I just draw you a cliffhanger no because then we've got to draw it I can't be fucking arsed oh mate

the noise is there can you pass the pen how many steps does the cliff have 25 I'll do it very quickly for you here, Paul. Oh, mate, I don't want to... The noise is there. You haven't got a pen. Can you pass the pen? What will this pen do? How many steps does the cliff have? 25. Okay. 25 steps representing the 25p.

Under and over, you must cumulatively be at the end of these three guesses. I have three items. Each one is priced under a pound. I will show Eli them in order of how much they were, from least expensive to most expensive. He has to guess the price, but depending how up or under

he is on that guess, he has to go up the steps to the margin of error difference. Will he fall off the top and go over 25p? I hope so, because I never like it when Eli wins on this show.

It's upsetting, and it makes me feel bad, and I prefer it. I've run out of room. I couldn't fit all 25 on. Fucking you. Go down a bit. No, don't just do it again. I can't go down. Make it like it's distance.

How have you fucked that? It's hard. It's only hard for you because you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, I'll do it very quickly. Let's count together, Paul. Oh, mate. Step one. Step two. You're not going to make it. Step three. Step four. Step five. This is the worst podcast one. Step two. You're not going to make it. Step three. Step four. Step five. This is the worst podcast ever.

Step six. Step seven. Step eight. One star on iTunes. Step nine. Step ten. It's just a bunch of swearing. Step twelve.

Step thirteen. I hate this. Step fourteen. Step fifteen. Step sixteen. We're here for the live yearly counting competition. Step nineteen. Step twenty.

Eli is counting to twenty to 25 to represent the steps step 22 step 23 oh god this is painful step 24 yep and step 25

and there's the drop oh look how vertiginous the drop looks woo all the way down there's a bin there's a little bin there there's a little bin down there

to fall into to fall into the bin you have to live there aww and it's by the sea. And there are the waves. Lovely. Right, okay. Are you ready? Price of Shite,

cliffhanger edition. Please produce the first item for me to guess the price of which item? Well, I'm reaching into my lovely bag. He's producing such items. In my magic Ghostbusters bag. What is it, Mr. Silverman? Oh, no, he's handed me this item. It is a lovely red enamelled garlic crusher.

It is indeed. I could do with this. You can have it if you want it. It's a beautiful thing, isn't it? It's a second-hand one. Clean as a whistle. Doesn't have any residue in there, so they've given that. It does have a little bit of the paint.

Evidence of its past. It's a bit of a schmuty inside. All right. But, you know. I'll give it a wash. I'll be happy to use it. I'm not a prude. No.

I'm not one to put my nose up on little other people's or dried garlic remnants. As I look around the room and all the filth and decay and sadness that I see, I think a slightly clean garlic press is the least worst thing in this room by a country mile. Now, can you see what the brand says there? What's the brand of this garlic crusher? It says Atlas? No, does it? Or Malt or something?

Oh, maybe. Italy, it says. Italy. It's made in Italy. There you go. This isn't a nice. Nice. This is quite nice.

Italy's good for- Pressing garlic. A lot of garlic there. Yeah. Do they? Yeah. I don't think that's true. You don't think they eat a lot of garlic in Italy?

No. They invented garlic bread. They didn't. They fucking did. Fucking didn't. They fucking did. Fucking didn't. Garlic bread? I bet they're one of the biggest garlic-eating nations in the planet. What about the French?

I thought they were famous for eating garlic. Everyone is. No, come on. It's one of the big foods. Anyway, come on. What do you think it is? Now, can I ask where you bought this? It's a charity shop, obviously.

Now, I bought it from Mind, but I bought it from three different minds, but they were all minds. You bought Cambridge and two in London. You can't have bought this from three different shops. No, I bought three items. All right, love, you can buy a third of this garlic clapper here. We're going to have to put it down the road. That's the way we're doing it. Just put a different payment down there, because I've gone completely bonkers.

Wow, that's really good for a mental health society to listen to, isn't it, right now? Fucking idiot. So, yeah, look sheepish. I'm looting. Look sheepish, you prick. All right.

So, no, I went to three different mine shops and each of the items has been bought from one of those mine shops. All right? Okay, so they're all from mine. Yeah. It's the three mines of the Overlord. Yeah, so anyway,

how much do you think that is? It's the cheapest item of the three I yeah this so anyway how much do you think that is it's the cheapest item of the three I'm about to show you and what is the upper limit is how many there's three items this is how this

this version of the game is played Paul yes they all have to be under a certain price yes they are a quid a quid

they're all under a quid they're all under a quid so they're a two digit number this must have been 30p it can't have been less than 30p 30p you're saying no it's interesting

I want to cut my losses here I want to charge my cheese pill yeah what are you going to do is it going to go up or under I'm going to go half and over

it's over by halves what does that even mean just tell me you asked me that what that meant but the cheese pill smelling my cheese pill I let that go

alright thank you it's too much of a fucking rabbit hole that one alright did not want to explore that go alright thank you it's too much of a fucking rabbit hole that one alright did not want to explore that okay don't

you don't want to go down my cheese pill rabbit hole no come on no you don't I'm playing for time you boring little man

I'm playing for time come on let me just nice nice action see how much oh it needs an oil did they take this

into account was there any haggling? Was there haggling? I mentioned the squeaking. I went, can we knock it down? Oh, squeaky, squeaky. Are you losing your fucking mind? Come on.

Oh, I work in mind. Squeaky, squeaky. I just want a fucking price, mate, please. 33p. 33p. I'm writing that down so there's no fucking argument about it. Well, I'm going to tell you right now, though, aren't I, what it is? So you don't have to write it down.

I'm still writing it down. All right, he writes going to tell you right now though, aren't I, what it is. So you don't have to write it down. I'm still writing it down. Alright, he writes down 33. Alright. You said 33. The actual price of it was 45p. So you were under by 12. So that's 12 steps up. So 1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8. You are a cunt already and you'll find out why later on you stupid prick one more 12 so you're a little under

a little under halfway on your first item ah it's not looking good man at all so here is your second item on the price of

Shite Cliffhanger edition today look let's let's see it it's another item from the Mind charity shop a different shop

a different one this one's from Camden oh Camden. Oh, Camden. Oh, this. Now, I'm liking this. Oh, you're liking it now, yeah. I really like this.

I want all these items. You can have that as well if you want. Wow. I've never seen this before. Tell them what it is. This is a seven-inch single, Paul. Of? From the film The Morons from Outer Space. A not particularly good film, I remember.

It wasn't, but it was one of those ones that came out at that time. Britain with your making weird. I remember looking at it in the video shop. Yeah. It was one of those covers in the video shop. Of Mel Smith in the helmet and everything. In the helmet. Yeah.

It was directed by Mel Smith, I believe, as well. No, I don't think it was. He's no longer with us, is he, Mel Smith? No, he's not. I think it says on the back who it's directed by, but it's scripted by Griffith Jones. Mike Hodges directed. Oh, what did he do? A lot of stuff. That's going to annoy me. I bet there's lots of people

going, oh, he directed such and such. And I'm like, yeah, but right now. A lot of stuff I can't think of, but he's very, he's kind of famous. It had Griffith Jones in it. Yeah. Jimmy Nail. It's not out, it's plain to see A woman like you

Is not good for me Joanne Pierce Who I don't recall And Paul Bone Who I don't recall I don't remember the plot much It was They came down from outer space

But they were idiots Yeah They were like aliens But they were morons And Mel Smith was a policeman Trying to capture them It didn't really cohere Didn't really hang together

And he's meant to be a moron In outer space there Something like that I don't really know. It wasn't very good. The song, I've listened to it already because I've played it before

and it goes like this. Everybody wonders why we walk around with this blank expression on our face. There goes that crazy bunch, they're really out to lunch, that bunch of jerks from outer space. We're morons, welcome to our pleasure dome, welcome to our mobile home. Up in the sky. We're morons. People say we've gone too far.

But we don't know where we are and we don't know why. That's what it sounds like. It's not particularly good. Morons from outer space. We're morons from outer space. And then it's like it's got this kind of weird. 86, so it must have been's got this kind of weird. So it must have been the same year as the film.

Yeah. Came out. But yeah, that's what I got today. It's pristine vinyl. Because no one has ever listened to it more than once. Yeah, probably. It did sound nice when I hadn't listened to it yesterday. That is yours if you want it. But I do also need a price.

50. I'll also put the trailer in for this film. I think it's 50p. You're going to say 50p? I think it's 50p.'re going to say 50p? I think it's 50p Eli you say 50p If I'm out by more than 28 I have lost already

All I'm going to say is Eli I'm sorry But that was 50p You were bang right on the money there 50p from that mind And that is yours to keep That is going in my collection of shit records Yeah

I'll put the trailer in for the movie. The Michaelanius collection. Now. I got a spaceship. They're coming. They're going to enter our atmosphere. When they're mixed to territorial, what's it? Extraterrestrial being.

Yeah. When they come, they'll probably come in secret, won't they? Undoubtedly. They'll land, right? And only a few of us will know all about it, I expect. Oh, yeah, well, obviously. Well, see, they'll have a very advanced spacecraft. Obviously, it'll have all the bits on it. all the anti-gravitational pull bits, so it

can come down very softly, you know, like a sort of... And then all the door open. That's right. Oh, my God. Obviously, the whole world will benefit from their advanced technology. Because, I mean, they'll want to meet some of the great minds from our planet. What will the brainy people like? I come in peace.

Will you speak with me? No, I understand. You have come to our planet from another planet? No, we come from our own planet, not another one. And will they be, you know, sort own planet, not another one. And will they be, you know, sort of intelligent, I suppose? Well, this is the thing, you see. They'll have to be intelligent, won't they? Of course.

I mean, to have come here in the first place. They've started playing with the chess set. Oh, this is a development. No, it isn't. I'll tell you something. Yeah? It's going to change the fabric of society as we know it, in many subtle and mysterious ways.

You are sure I must come, you smug b... The aliens are here! We're all going to die! Drive on. I'll flush this down the... Excuse me. Turn this off. I should have flushed this down better. Excuse me. I'm a terrorist. And of course they'll be greeted and treated with kid gloves. Come on.

Show us your tentacles. Oh, Jesus! Somebody give me an okay on immediate surgery. Somebody find the doctor. We got a sick man here. They'll be like gods, won't they? They will come down, as you say, Derek, like gods. Are you looking for all to them coming then? Terrified.

Be nice though, when they come. Meet new people. Yeah, so that was the trailer. I hope it explained a bit more than we did. Don't think it probably did, to be honest. But more on Smart Space, one of those failed weird little British comedies of the 80s. But More on Smart Space, one of those failed, weird, little British comedies of the 80s that came out. But they let them just do that, have a nasty flop, and then just

keep working. There's no risk. There's no risk in this country anymore. They don't want it. And then he later directed The Tall Guy, which was much more successful. I fucking love The Tall Guy. Which is cool, isn't it? Got my favourite insults. Oh, he didn't direct it, sorry. No, he did. Mel Smith directed it. Oh, yeah, Mel Smith directed it. Not Hodges. No, no, Hodges. Didn't he do Notting Hill? No, that's Richard Curtis. Oh, I didn't direct it, sorry. No, he did. Mel Smith directed it. Oh, yeah, Mel Smith directed it. No, no, Hodges.

Didn't he do Notting Hill? No, that's Richard Curtis. Oh, I thought he only wrote... He did some famous British films. Anyway, yeah, there's lots of films like that where kind of weird middle-tier TV stars are having, like they appeared in Wilts together. You remember the film Wilts?

That kind of British comedy, like Clockwise almost fits in there as well. It does, it definitely does. There was a lot of British. Dream Demon. Do you remember that? Horror film with Timothy Spall and Jimmy Nail. No.

Mate. No. Dream Demon. Do you remember The Lair of the White Witch? Yeah. White Worm, sorry. Yeah. That was pretty cool, wasn't it?

There's a bit where he chops a dragon's head off. Weird film, though. I like it. It's not very good, but I like it. Here's the third and final thing today on the price of shite, cliffhanger edition. I'm doing well. I'm feeling confident now.

I just need to see. This is Hoyle on poker. Ooh. I'm loving it. Mate, this is my favourite ever price of shite. Fucking great. Now, this is Hoyle famously wrote the, and I had it for years, I might even still have a copy, a paperback copy of Hoyle's wrote the, and I had it for years, I might even still have a copy,

a paperback copy of Hoyle's Rules of Games. He was the guy who wrote the book on gaming. Not on, just collected Rules of Games. And he was seen as the official. That included Monopoly as well, like people went,

oh. They've got Monopoly in there. So what's the official ruling on? Okay. And all the card games. Yeah, it has the official rules. I didn't know this. It started the phrase, according to Hoyle. I didn't know any of that.

So when you're playing a game and they say, perhaps you play Monopoly and you've got a variation. Yeah. And then they have an argument, but you say, but according to Hoyle, it's the official rules. I've heard that, but I've not used it much. The official rules of the game would be according to Hoyle. There you go. So what's that then? This is Hoyle on poker,

and it's a little hardbound, and I'm thinking this has the basic rules of poker, like the section in the paperback I had. It says, poker according to Hoyle with additional ramblings by Palamedes. Weird. I don't know who Palamedes is. Published in 99. History of poker,

principles of poker, hand values, how to play, poker laws and penalties, calculating odds, how the others behave, variations on play, and glossary. Is it like a kind of beginner's guide to understanding poker? It seems to be. But with a little bit more detail than you maybe

get from a kind of standard how to play book. Yeah. But it does have some variations. Juices Wild, Stud Poker, Seven Card Stud, Whiskey Poker,

never heard of that. Oh. Peak Poker. Oh, what Peak Poker? Table Steaks, Freeze Out. Yeah, and a glossary. It's very nice.

There you go. I'll be enjoying reading that. You can have that as well. Look at that. Making out like a little bandit today, you. I certainly am, but I just need to win paul i want to win well i want to win you are how many away from the edge now you're on 12 you need to get less than 30 27 what 28 what does that mean no 18 god yeah fucking hell don't make me good at math for a moment i I didn't like that. 18. Right. Okay. I have to be within 18.

Okay. Because you're on step 12 out of 25. So this is very exciting. Right. Are you ready? How much do you think that book is?

I will, just so you know, I don't cheat. I will write it on my hand right now. So you can't accuse me for changing the price, you know,

afterwards. Okay then. Is that all right? Yes. Is that a fair way of doing it? Right, I've written it on my hand, so now... I think 80p. 80p is what you said. Show me and. My hand says...

95. What does that mean? I've won! Does it? I've won! How much were you out? 15. 15p, so go up 15 steps. Oh, here we go. 12. I want to see it happen. 13, 14... Well, you counted. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 25, 14. 13 25 14 Shut up

You fucked it You fucked it No Let's just do simple maths You've just fucked it Right 15 plus 12 Is what?

12 15 plus 12 is what? 15 plus 12 is what? Oh yeah, it's 27. Didn't it, mate? You've made me good

at maths through this fucking game. I really lost all ability to count. What the fuck happened there? I don't know, mate.

That was joyous to see forward out in front of me. Fucking hell, I've lost my abilities to count. That is an amazing cheap show moment,

ladies and gentlemen. Amazing moments in the House of Pickles. Eli has won three prizes but he's ultimately lost the war. So, congratulations, but you do walk away tonight with your, as they said, organ grinder.

A garlic grinder. Garlic crusher. A poker book and Morons from Outer Space single. Well done. Well done. Thank you. So now you join us back in the country noodle kitchen with Eli Silverman. And Eli, what have we got prepared on the show today? We've got a really special edition today, Paul.

Two noodles, one of which I've been harping on about because it straddles the line between the two broad categories of instant noodle you have. You have the soup-based noodle and then you have the stir-fried noodle. The stir-fried style. Yeah. Stir-fried style. I get it. Now, perhaps you want something in between. Perhaps you want some liquid, and you also want a stir-fried style noodle.

Yeah. Perhaps they'll complement each other. Will they? The way they all serve, for example, Hainanese chicken rice, which is a popular dish in Singapore, or Hainanese chicken rice, which is a popular dish in Singapore, is they give you a little side bowl of clear broth,

like a chicken stock, chicken soup sort of broth. And you have that. I'm beginning to zone out, mate, just so you know. And it also is similar to the way in Japanese food, you'd have sushi cold or room temp.

Yeah. And then they give you a little miso soup on the side. Nice. And it gets warm. So it does that, and this noodle's called Kung Fu. Yeah. And then they give you a little miso soup on the side. Nice. And it gets warm. So it does that and this noodle's called Kung Fu. Nice.

Now, you know, I don't like this sort of appropriation of sort of Eastern lingo. Yeah. You know. Westernised for the emotional effect it gives.

Yes. Yeah. What's that brand that I hate? Every other one. Kabuto. Oh, yeah. It's like, take your samurai helmet. other one Kabuto oh yeah it's like take your samurai helmet

yeah master must obey it's like you know what fucking racist is what they are it's very similar to that

Andy's just me mate's cottage pie it's just that stuff it's like what don't fucking what me

when you know exactly what I'm talking about Andy's mate's cottage pie oh yeah I hate that as well yeah Tesco ooh it's Sheila's cottage. Oh, yeah. I hate that as well. Yeah. Tesco.

Ooh, it's Sheila's. Ooh, I haven't got a lot of time. Fucking lasagna. Yeah. It's Debbie's. Oh, give a shit. Toast. Eggs Benedict.

Right, so what are you making kung fu? What's special about kung fu? Now, what it is, basically, and I'm going to just, I need to just do this. He's breaking the bag up. I need to just do this. He's breaking the bag up. I'm breaking the packet, the noodle pad itself,

into four pieces. Is that official lingo, the noodle pad? I don't know. It's a deck, really, isn't it? I think I've overdone it a bit with the boiling of the water. What, do you mean pouring hot water onto a very hot pan? Didn't think that through. Kids.

Don't do that. Kids, don't do that. Right, now. Also, if any kids are listening, why is this fucking podcast stupid? I'm putting that in to cook. Now, we'll be draining that water off that. You won't be using it elsewhere? We will, because that is the secret of the Kung Fu noodle, my friend.

So it has a secret. It's not just any old noodle. It's got two sauce packs. That's a good sign as well. But one isn't a sauce pack. It's soup mix, Paul. Holy fuck. It's soup mix.

We use the water which we've cooked the noodle in, drain it off the noodle, put it onto the soup sauce mix, and you've got a bowl of broth to go with your noodles. Wow. And you've got a bowl of broth to go with your noodles. And you've got a lovely, thick, gooey, artificial soybean flavour pack to scooch all over the noodles. You know all about scooching all over your noodles. So this is very exciting stuff. So how long does this need to go in for? About three minutes.

What do you want to do for the next two? I'm just going to open this sauce pack in preparation. Does it ask you to prepare it in the bowl first and then add the noodles like the other one did? I've got the bowl ready and so I'm just going to drain, as soon as that's done, just drain off as much as we need for the soup. But my question was, is this the kind of thing where you mix the ingredients separately and then

add the noodles rather than add it to the noodles in the pot? Yes, because it's a sauce. It's a sauce you just want that to slather over your slightly damp noodles once they're cooked. So they'll be quite stodgy then when they've been mixed in the bowl. They'll be slimy. And that's my objection to stir-fried style instant noodles in general.

It can be quite slimy. Well, there you go. You've heard it from the horse's mouth. So that's our first noodle today. And then here's one that we've been looking to try for quite a long time, but I don't hold out great hopes for. This is the hot chicken ramen flavour. Ice type. Now, what does ice type noodle mean?

I'm backing you into the corner as we do this. Back me into the flipping corner. Why are you not swearing now? Because it's a country kitchen. Fair enough, that's a good point. Alright, you know what? I'll go with that. You cunny.

I will not. You cunny man. Yeah, alright. Well, don't go near close to the edge, mate. Close to the cunny? You wouldn't know You cunny man. Yeah, all right. Well, don't go near close to the edge, mate. Close to the cunny? You wouldn't know where that is, mate. Oh, yeah. Where is it?

So what it is, it's a cold noodle. Because cold noodles... A cunny is a cold noodle. Where's the cunny? Yeah, point at me. Cun. Right. Oh, sorry.

I've broken the rules. I'm sorry. Now, that's got... Well, our noodle's going... They're vigorously boiling there. That's good. That'll be done very soon. And these are cold.

What's we doing? They're ice noodles, which you think, ooh, ice type. What does that mean? What does that mean? It's cold. So you eat it cold.

You eat it cold. But it's spicy. Yes, hot chicken ramen flavour, which is taking over the world. They've got almonds. They have dumplings. They have hot chicken ramen flavour dumplings. They're just putting it on everything

because it's a big craze. So you can use ice water if you have it and that is the same brand sam young and we tasted their two-time spicy chicken ramen and i don't mind saying paul i couldn't eat that it was too hot yeah but i did enjoy it it was hot yeah but we had the not one time spicy that was fine that was the one we had but then we had that one where we took we were in a mystical adventure and we... Don't have any idea what you're talking about. The dragon made us eat it. No. Do you remember? No. We had to eat it

in a minute and we couldn't even... Now, did you imagine that or something? I didn't imagine it. And then your mum was putting a cucumber into an oven. Right, so we're going to be doing the noodle one in the ice later. Exciting stuff. Now, I'm going to use my scissors. Right.

Now, a little invention that I think people should have made, especially for noodle lovers like myself, is a sachet squeezer. Imagine you had some kind of squeezer that you just ran down. Squeeze. Do you mean like when you buy those little soy sauces that shape in the fish and you can just break the top off the fish and then squeeze it? Yeah, because there's always a residue issue and you think, I'm not getting

the full fucking saucing here on my noodle. You know what I mean? We've all said that. I'm not getting a good proper saucing on my noodle. I'm not getting a saucing too. You see I'm being rude. So that's ready to go. This is the Kung Fu Instant

Oriental Noodle Soup Artificial Soybean Paste Flavour. Nice. Sounds delicious. It doesn't sound great, but it is very good. Now, let's see how our noodles are doing. How are they doing? Oh, he's marching past me now. It's very exciting in the noodle kitchen. What do you think of those? Those look very tender to me.

They do look done. They're done. Right. Excellent. So you're going to drain this off. Now, you need to drain the water only, I believe. Only enough. I don't want to over-dilute the soup here, because it won't have a taste of anything then. If I use all of that, I just want to sort of... Just wash it out. Nice. Do you see how this noodle bowl has a lip

built into it? It makes it ideal for cocoa, I guess, and also for noodles that you need to drain. Any boiled milk, I guess, or soups. I think that's what it was designed, not for noodles. There we go. He's dribbling it in. That sounds really nice right here. He's mixing it up.

I think that's enough. It looks a little bit mezzo. You spilt a little bit of water there. It's fine. I'll deal with that. Here's a little towel. Now I've got to drain the rest of it. He's draining it.

Come over here. All right. Fucking hell. Now, of course, always remember when you're draining a stir-fried style noodle, you don't drain it all. You leave a little bit. You leave, because you need something

to give that sauce a good seem to, you know, to get the sauce all lubricated, because you don't want it sticking around in clumps.

It's an absolute nightmare. Yeah, of course, that'd be a nightmare. So I'm leaving a bit of moisture in there. How much do you recommend by and large? Not too much.

Not too much. Just so it's a bit left. Tablespoons? Yeah, a couple of tablespoons. There we go. They're just damp. They're just damp now, resting in a little bit of moisture. And into the bowl with the sticky sauce in.

He's mixing that now, giving that previously pale-looking noodle a nice shit-brown complexion, which is absolutely beautiful-looking. And that's ready to go. Let me just get the kettle boiling for our cold noodle. You need to let this cool down a bit as well. Okay, all right. Good, good, good. So you still need to use hot water on the ice noodle,

but you just replace that. Yeah, you just cook the noodle and then you cool the noodle down with cold water. It takes more water. It takes double the energy. Do you think it's worth it? I don't think it's going to be worth it, no. Because it'll just be like cold noodles.

It will be like cold chicken ramen noodles. People like them, especially in summer. Cold noodles is a big thing. And if you think about it, it's not that weird. It's like a pasta salad you buy from you know. No, good point. People eat cold pasta all the time. They go, ooh, cold noodles. Ooh, I don't like

celery or something. Will you fucking shut up about that? You're the only person that brings it up. People go on about how much they hate celery. They're idiots. Do you know what? It's a basic ingredient. It's part of like stew and stuff like that.

You're a boring man. You're a boring, rubbish man. The water on. Right, so he's back. Ow. Ow, that sparking of the fucking grill was kicking interference into my ear

yeah it will do it's an electric pulse well that was stupid he should have warned me come over are you ready to taste I'll get a fork for you yeah get a fork for me

it's exciting come on love come on darling sort us out love come on love right swapping hands so this is the kung fu oh I've lost a bit you have to remember Paul Sort us out, love. Come on, love. Right, swapping hands. Oh.

So this is the kung fu. Oh, I've lost a bit. You have to remember, Paul, I'd be pimping that with some protein, maybe a bit of meat and some veg, spring onions, of course. Sweet corn. For some reason, I can imagine,

I don't know why, anchovies in that or olives, something like that. Why? I don't know. It doesn't have fish in it. No, I know. Don't worry about it. I couldn't eat it anchovies in that or olives something like that why? don't know it doesn't have fish in it no I know don't worry about it I couldn't eat it anyway

could I? describe the flavour to the listeners it's a little bit spicy yeah a little bit chilli it's very umami that's what I like about it

very umami it's very beany it's very soy beany so you've had that You've had your mouthful there I think ooh That was nice Now I'll have some broth

Oh to wash it down with I'll hand you the broth there Thank you I'm now supping the broth Supp the broth A cheeky little broth What do you think of that? It compliments it well

It's nice isn't it? Yeah that's satisfying That is like You don't get that kind of Cul effect from a pot noodle, do you? No, no. How much was the Kung Fu? I think they were about 50p, 40p. That's a bargain.

It's a good deal, yeah, because you get a little bowl of soup as well. A little bowl of soup and it tastes nice. As well as a noodle. You can maybe put some pickles in it. You could put some preserved, yeah, Chinese-style pickles. You know, that sort of, yeah. Yeah, like you get in Wagamamas. Oh, yeah, Chinese-style pickles. You know, that sort of, yeah. Yeah, like you get in Wagamama's. Oh, yeah, those.

Yeah. Pickled veg. Yeah, that's Japanese. But yeah, they'd work with that as well. It would work. You're right. Some kimchi might work with that as well. Who is kimchi?

You keep bringing her up and I don't know who it is. That's just so not funny. But who is kimchi? She's your mum. Oh, my mum's famous because you're always talking about her. She's an oriental prostitute on the side. Wow, that's going too far. She works in old Shanghai.

There's a musical based on her called M. Butterfly. Right. So, that's a pretty good noodle, isn't it? I would... That's 50p. That's a good eating, that. Yeah. And it's very pimpable because it's quite a neutral,

although it's like a black bean I think yeah that's amazing it's a black bean sauce really right I've got to stop eating that's good so let's get our other noodle on right we're getting

our other noodle on now this is how we're going to cook the see when we first saw this I thought it was literally you cook it in ice water or say cook but you know you prepare it

in ice water no no it just refers to the temperature of the noodle which is room temperature when you're eating it so it's gazpacho-y. It's like a gazpacho. And it's got their character. These are...

Samyang is really big. This brand is blowing up everywhere. People love it. Why? Cheap? Nice flavours? The hotness. People really... I think Korean cuisine is really into chilli. Because those two times, people actually eat that just for fun. And to me, it was like someone stabbing me in the mouth

with a blade. I can imagine that. I'm sweating. It was like, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt me, hurt my mouth. Like that, you know? What place did you go to where you heard that? It was on the podcast.

We tried it on the podcast. Did we? And during that, you remember being stabbed in the mouth? It felt like I was being... Shut up, man. You're mum... Wow, I'm editing that out because we're a woke fucking podcast. Alright? Dirty fucking hate monger.

Well, what? What are you trying to... You're a hate monger. Listen, don't bring that filth into my country's noodle kitchen. It's your fucking country noodle kitchen, yeah. Country bits, right? Don't eat. Don't eat in grief.

You've just huddled over the bowl. He's like, get away from me. So anyway, he's added now the hot chicken flavour ramen into the boiling water. As before, no difference there. It's another two-packer, Paul. It's a what? A two-packer. Two-packer.

What packs have you got? You've got almost exactly the same as this, except instead of a soup, this is sprinkles. I don't even remember when we tried this. It's got like sesame seeds and little very small strips of nori seaweed. Cool. And just for character,

we've added the car alarm going off outside so you really get a sense of the day because what I love listening to is car alarms going off. Listen. It's annoying though, right? Well, so much. I can't make it stop. I can't make it stop.

Don't do a Jimmy Salvo voice. That wasn't Jimmy Salvo. That was my car alarm. But if you did have a car alarm that sounded like Jimmy Salvo, no cunts touching it. So there you go. Win-win. Right.

I'm going to drain the noodles now. Right. He's going to drain the noodles now. It's time. Again, we apologise for any background noise interference, but this is what it's like in the Country Noodle Kitchen. I've got that ready, the sauce pack. Describe what that looks like. It looks like someone's emptied the... well,

someone's nose bled onto a plate. That's what it looks like. It looks like blood, which is attractive, but I imagine that's the burn. Are you ready for the ice moment? Yes. So this is... The ice moment is just, what, which is attractive. But I imagine that's the burn. Are you ready for the ice moment? Yes. So the ice moment is just what? A cold tap?

Yes. He's draining it under the tap. Cold tap. Give it a good drain. Makes me want to wee-wee when you hear it right in your ears as you record. That's a myth. No, it's not.

I've heard that sound and wanted to pee. Yeah, but if you're asleep and someone puts your hand in a cup of warm water... No, that's not true. But sometimes when I'm standing over a toilet for some reason and I can't pee, I'll turn a tap on and it makes me go. I think that means I'm getting old, though. There we go. All right, so he's rinsed the noodles under the tap.

They're cold, or colder. He's pouring it onto the plate where the nosebleed is. And now we just start stirring the fucking thing. And he's stirring it. No, it's not just about that, because I have to put the dry pack on the sprinkles. And then, because of the noise problem in here, we're going to have to exit the

noodle kitchen and go into the house of pickles. No stranger to plates of noodles in there. And then taste it in there. Okay, Paul. Yeah, that's fine. So he's mixing it now. We're going to add the flakes. Here are the flakes.

Right, I've opened your flakes. Put the flakes on top. Right, shall I sprinkle? Yeah. Just liberally. Oh, shall I sprinkle? Yeah. Just liberally. Oh, there's seeds. There we go, a bit even there. But that's that, that's emptied out now.

So there are seeds in there, it's very delicious. Take that through, Paul, and I'll join you in a bit. All right, okie dokie. So I'm going to take it now into the MasterChef kitchen, into the MasterChef dining hall, or the House of Pickles, to finish this. So join me, why don't you? Now we're going across and serving the said meal, which is exciting, exciting stuff.

Stirring it, and again, this will be cold. For some reason in my head, it feels like it's going to be warm, but it's not, so here we go. Just waiting for Eli now to join me in the eating parlour. And then once that's done, we can get down and give these ice noodles the breakdown they deserve. Hello, hello. Hello. And here he comes now into the...

Sorry it took so long. Did the noodles get cold? Did they get cold? Did they get cold, Paul? Right, are we going to taste? I haven't tasted them myself. Let's dig in. These are cold, iced. Iced edition

chicken ramen flavour. Hot chicken ramen flavour. Here we go. Oh, spicy. Wow. Oh. Quite nice. I don't know if I prefer it cold, but it's a nice flavour. I'd rather just have them hot, really.

Yeah, that's the same. It's the same, isn't it? Yeah. It's like all you've done is left it out. Actually, though, it's got a bit of a fucking kick. It's got a fucking kick in it, huh? Okay. So.

That's a little temptress That is a spicy cold noodle I like the flavour I like this kick Don't know if it deserves to be cold I would give it 3.5 out of 5 And what would you give the Kung Fu Artificial Soybean flavour?

A good solid 4 Yeah That is hot Imagine that twice as hot That's what we had to do when the dragon made us eat it in a minute A good solid four. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh. That is hot. Imagine that twice as hot. That's what we had to do when the dragon made us eat it in a minute. That never happened. Stop talking about that.

It's really unsettling. Never happened. It did. Ooh. Well, what a fascinating noodle kitchen adventure it was again today. So thank you for joining us. What did you prefer? What would you rate them?

So hot, but so Moorish. That is a problem, though. It really burns your mouth. Oh, I'm sorry. God, that's got some... As he puts another one right in. It's packing heat. So what would you rate it, then? What's that one out of five?

It's just a bit too hot. Oh, my tongue's going mad. It's like it's on fire. Three. Three. Okay, I'll meet you at three. It's like I'm on fire. Three. Three. Okay, I'll meet you at three. And then I gave Kung Fu four. You're right, the coldness doesn't...

It's just a gimmick, isn't it, really? It doesn't really add anything or take anything away, really. You could add that to a salad, maybe, or put some leaves in it. You want to burn your fucking mouth off. Oh, cheeky, cheeky, devilish little mistress. I would rate the other one higher. It's more... It's more...

Satisfying. And adaptable. You could do all sorts of pimping with that. You could go with meat or a fish. You can't pimp that. Really?

It's too hot to pimp that. It just would overwhelm all the flavour of whatever your pimpings are. Maybe it would alleviate some of the direct burn. God! It's so hot!

God! They like it two times as spicy as that. Two times! Yeah, but we don't. We like it two times as spicy as that. Two times. Yeah, but we dealt. We fought that lion. It was a dragon. It was a lion.

It was not a lion. It was. Right. Is that the end of this segment? That's the end. That's the end of the Noodle Kitchen. So let's now sign off and say thank you

for joining us here. And maybe we'll visit again sometime soon, Eli. Maybe we will. Yes, there's all sorts of noodles out there. Just so you know. Yeah'll visit again sometime soon, Eli. Maybe we will. Yes, there's all sorts of noodles out there. Just so you know. Yeah, there are.

Bye, everyone. Bye. That's not the end of the show yet. Just this segment, you cock. Right, that's another cheap show.

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every other episode and that's every Friday on YouTube what else the live show's full up that's great Friday on YouTube. What else? The live show's full up. That's great. We'll see everyone there. Oh yeah. That'll be good. That'll be good. Bring your tats. Bring your panties. Bring the pants. Bring all underwear

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