CheapShow - Ep 91: Grumpy Sessions

Episode Date: August 30, 2018

"Hello, My name (snuffle snuffle) is Grumpy Sessions and I am here to introduce episode 91 of CheapShow to you. Eli and Paul graciously asked me to write the blurb for this episode and i am more than happy to do so (snuffle snuffle). So what can you expect? Well, Paul was mean to me, so i don't want anything to do with him, but Eli was very nice and has a very interesting collection of vinyl records that i enjoyed listening to (snuffle snuffle). The boys also revisit YouTube sensation "Weird Paul" and discover what he has recently found in thrift stores, much to their jealousy, and i believe they read more of your letters too. Isn't that nice (snuffle snuffle)? I have to go now, but i hope to see you all again in the future... If Paul drops the attitude!" You can watch Weird Paul along with us at this link: https://youtu.be/73mGTzQCKvk And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

What? Come on, darling, get it off your chest. Apparently, ladies and gentlemen, Eli won't record until he's in the zone. Are you in the zone now, Mr Silverman? Are you in the zone now? Don't talk to me with that tone of voice. Ladies and gentlemen, he's got a bit of a headache,

so grumpy Silverman today, I think, for this recording session. And I hope grumpy session... What? Grumpy session. He's a guy I know. I'm not doing a character called Grumpy Session. Do it.

No, justession Do it No What do you like? Here he comes Why do all your characters sniff or snort? Because it's a nice way of doing a non-verbal characterisation Alright, go for it What am I called? Grumpy Session Grumpy Sessions

Go on. Oh, hello. Grumpy Sessions. I like this. Yes, hello. Oh, what's made you grumpy today, Mr. Grumpy? Well, I'm not actually grumpy. Oh, it's just your name. That's my name. My mum gave me. Some might say, oh, why so grumpy? Because my first name is fucking grumpy. That's why I'm grumpy. Was your mum a fan of Snow White? Was my mum a fanny?

A fan of Snow White. Your mum probably had one. I'm sorry, grumpy Sassons doesn't hear very well. So he's a deaf character. What? My mum's fanny? Oh, this is just paying dividends. Snow White fanny.

Yes, she did. Anyway. She was very great prematurely downstairs. Right, let's... And it was all powdery. Let's do the intro then. Shall I go now? No, Grumpy, you can do the intro while you're here.

Okay, everybody. It is... I'm Grumpy Sessions and I'm... And here I'd like to present to you... I'm Grumpy Sassons and I'm and here I'd like to present to you Chief Show with Eli Silverman and Paul Gannon hey let's hear it for them

now I'm going welcome to Chief Show I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor How's the big guy?

The price of shite This is called gun and take a loan Eli Silver Welcome to Geek Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello Ilverman Oh for fuck's sake We just did an extended diversion because you mispronounced the last thing really badly

Try and get past word one and a half Hello Mr Silverman Hello How are you? As we've covered I'm a bit Yeah He's a bit grumpy

Tired, headachy Yeah It's late night recording Of Cheap Show today Late night Which means anything goes It's electric blue It's electric blue

Cheap Show electric blue Cheap Show electric blue It's coming at you More sex stories You want to hear them, don't you? About that time I got my fingers in. No one wants to hear it. You remember it.

I don't remember it. I was not there. You were there in my brain. Well, thanks for admitting that. That's something we all knew was correct. Can I admit something right now? Oh, no. I'm pretty sure.

I don't know. I don't know. So my girlfriend tried to do an impression of you. Yes. Yeah. Whilst you were boning her. Yes. He just tried. That was it.

Oh, fuck off. She was doing it just for a laugh. And I said, never, never do that in the bedroom. It would be too terrible to have her do your voice. Like, I do your voice. And then just, you know know it was all nice and then at the end she went i've had my life and i was like oh what a mood killer oh my god what a mood killer well i don't condone this so i've got no comment really paul yeah apart from that fan what What van? Fan. What fan? I'll pay £500 to be on Polybius. No, he wants me to be on Polybius.

Okay, well you are. Yeah, so I don't know what his $500 is all about. He's playing Smelly Doctor. He's playing Smelly Doctor? You're the character in that film as Smelly Doctor. Okay. Yeah. I'm not the Smelly Doctor.

I've read the script in the scene. And what are you? I'm not in the film. I turned it down. There was stuff in it I disagree with politically. And some stuff in it I think crosses the line. So I said no to Stuart. I said no, Stuart.

That script is filth. Okay. You should be ashamed that you've raised money to make that script. And I tore it up in his face. And we had a bit of a falling out. This is not true. You're making it up as a story. And it's just not working as comedy for me.

It's completely fine. It's not working as comedy for me. Completely fine as a set-up. For what? And then what am I going to say? I'm the smelly doctor, am I? Yeah, there's a scene in it where they go in to see you, because there's been a bit of an accident during the heist.

I've shat myself, haven't I? You've got a big brown... And I'm going, eww! Yeah. I'm the smelly doctor! Yeah, like that. Yeah, and everyone's holding their nose and going,ee yeah and you smelly doctor yeah like that

yeah and everyone's like holding their nose and going P.U. smelly doctor and I thought it was degrading it hasn't caught fire

this bit it hasn't caught fire for me alright fair enough anyway what are we doing there let's do the bloody intro

hello welcome to Cheap Show this is the economy comedy podcast for your ears and once again we go for the bargain bins

the charity shops the thrift stores the bargain bins the charity shops the thrift stores the boot sales the pound lands of great britain oh nicely done thank you now he's gonna fuck it because yeah um and deliver them in the in the form of entertainment and perhaps a little bit of education oh we like to sprinkle in some edjo every now and then so uh this is the intro Do you want to know what's coming up on the show today? I'm dying to find out

Well we're going to do some tales from the shop floor Because we've had loads of those sent in But I would like to say this now Let's just say this Say it Paul, it needs to be said Please stop sending stories about dead animals I'll get Keith out now Paul I think we should at one point tonight

Sniff Keith's jar I don't want to sniff Keith's jar, I'll get Keith out now, Paul. Come on. I think we should at one point tonight sniff Keith's jar. I don't want to sniff Keith's jar. I'll vomit. I'm feeling like tonight's the night if we do that. I'll sniff his jar and report back to you. No one in this situation

needs to sniff a jar at all. You don't need to. I don't need to. No, but I think that's where you're wrong. I do need to because coming up in the show tonight, Paul, as we both know, has become the fucking bane of my existence,

is Brandoff Brandoff. Yes. Off Brandoff, brand on brand off what do we used to call that that's in the next episode we're recording okay well that's where i'll get keith out as a little palate cleanser for myself right where i need to huff his jar hard just to clear my head yeah so no more dead animals please we've had enough i can't read any more things that begin with the sentence i slipped in dog brains don't need it yeah so how about this send a nice story in maybe something lovely happened in a shop floor one day like a little old lady went for a box she went oh arthur and she takes it to the why is it always arthur man doesn't matter about the name it's the story sydney could you do it again with sydney so the little woman's going for a box at the back of the room in the shop and she sees this little box and she pulls it out and she opens it up and she goes oh sydney bravo thank you and then she takes to

the counter and the woman behind the counter is like what's wrong dear this is sydney sydney gave me this during the war there's a little necklace inside. She goes, I thought it lost it. But here it is. And the woman behind the counter looks down at the necklace and the old woman who'd been separating it for maybe 60, 70 years and she went, four quid. Four quid. Four quid.

Good one. That was amazing. Come on then. What have we got? And then we're going to go I thought we'd do something we haven't done in years actually um watch weird paul let's see what weird paul's going on what's weird paul remember ages ago we did that video and he had all the stickers and the videos of people's home did you see the one about what his house is actually like though did you ever watch that one yeah i watched i went i did a bit of a deep dive on uh weird paul did you last time yeah

he had this thing where he was showing like videos yeah okay just like cribs okay and he had all his storage solutions and stuff because he's like a mad weird collector yeah and he really collects a lot of different stuff like old dvds he has other people's family snaps he loves those ones that's weird I can see the appeal of that. Scary. It's like Dollide in, what was it, Manhunter. It is, but I don't think he's... Weird Paul's just weird. He's just nefarious. Anyway, we're going to watch it. Let's see what he gets up to.

We'll do a little kind of cheap show commentary of a Weird Paul video. And then we've got a lovely, lovely part one of a two-part Eli Silverman's Platter. Which is now you've usurped, and it's basically Paul. Paul gets a vinyl player who thinks he's all Mr Record Collector, doesn't he? I have some now albums. I've got some quite unusual flexes. I have two, four, eight, nine, 13, 14. Of now.

Of now. There's some interesting choices on there. Red Box. We should explain maybe to the listeners. Now, that's what I call music, was a serialised compilation. Still going to date. Serialised pop compilation. So it was meant to cover the current records.

For that, what, half year? Half year. They released two a year. So, yeah. So the idea was every six months you'd get a kind of summary via CD of the year's hottest hits. It was ubiquitous. Yes. Everyone had a Now album growing up.

My mum had loads. Yeah. They were just everywhere. Yeah. And so I've been picking them up at charity shops. So what are we going to do about it? I found some interesting stuff on those albums. I wouldn't collect that shit.

No, it's fine. Why would you? I've got better things to do. No, you don't. You actually don't those albums. I wouldn't collect that shit. No, it's fine. Why would you? I've got better things to do. No, you don't. You actually don't, though. I don't. Right. So then we're ending the episode with that.

And then that's it. So let's just get going. Should we shake hands? No, I don't want to touch you. Honestly, I don't. Why don't you want to touch me? It's a clammy day and it's weird. I'm not clammy.

I'm actually quite dry. I'm stroking his palm. Go on. Dear listener. I don't know. It's clammy. It's not. No, it's weird. I'm not clammy. I'm actually quite dry. I'm stroking his palm. Go on. Dear listener. I don't know. It's clammy. It's not. I've got...

No, it's not. You've got to write clam on. Clamartis. It's time for Tales from the Shop Floor, the part of the show you get involved with. shop floor the part of the show you get involved with you write me an email you pad it out with nonsense and you get to the meat of the tale oh yeah that was really bad okay wasn't great would you like to read the first one i'll read one out yes sure paul uh by the way no joke no more dead pets i'm looking for these emails right now it It's like, dead pet cheap show. Dead pet story. Dead dog slipped in brains.

Just, you know. That is intriguing me. The more you say I slipped in dog brains, it is intriguing. We'll do that on the Patreon special. We'll do a dead animal special. Yeah. If your thing is. Dead animals. No, not your thing.

I mean, that sounds. Like you're into crush porn. Watching women stamp on hamsters. That's what it is, really. Nasty. So, we will do a Patreon special of just the dead animal stuff. Okay. Because we're getting swamped

with corpses. Yeah, it's not good. So, let's give you a recent one that's come in. Let's see. Is this this one? This is this one. All right, here we go. You can read the first one, Mr. Silverman.

Okay. Hello again, Paul and Eli. It's me. Hello. Shana. Shana na na na na na na. Apparently, she said I pronounced her name correctly. So did I say Shana last time?

I guess. Well, I presume so if your gut instinct was as pronounced as that way. I just said it like that. You're just a natural voice genius. Shana of CSI Charity Pet Corps fame. Fame. One podcast. We're writing the script right now for that.

I actually have a few stories from my six months in Primarnie, Primark, The Hellhole. But this one is possibly the one that made me gag most at the time and one I think you won't have heard anything similar to it before. Well, first of all, congratulations on getting through that sentence. That was constructed. I mean, I'm expecting, I have to say, Shana, sentence construction. A bit dodgy on that one, wasn't it? A bit too many clauses hanging off at the end there. But also, I will say, she's set up quite a big target for

herself. She's actually, you know, she's talking the big guns there. She's talking the big guns in that well-known phrase. Yeah. Talking the big guns. Yeah. Alright, that's good, Paul. The worst thing I've ever experienced in my 25 years on Earth.

Wow. Anyway, enough bullshit. Let's get to it. Oh, this is fighting talk. A few years ago, Primark opened in my town. Right. I live in Bath. Primark, by the way, if people listening in different countries don't know, is a big shop for clothes.

Cheap clothes. Cheaper clothes. Yes. That's it. Similar to the clothing bit of Walmart, I guess you'd say, was American. Like a cheap gap. Much cheaper, though. Yeah.

Like really known to be dirt cheap. And that's why the joke is, oh, it's Primardi. It's like you get the latest knockoff brand. Primarni. It's a pun on Armani. Yeah. It's that quaint saint of British humour. Yep.

Very quaint indeed. Carry on. Okay. I'm sure there's an equivalent for Aldi and Lidl. A few years ago, Primark opened in my town. I live in Bath, so a load of the posh cunts were kicking off. Oh, God. And all the chavs were hyped up.

Ooh. I feel this is important to know for later on. Sounds like a kind of modern West Side Story, doesn't it? I don't know if you've experienced a Primark during busy time, but if you have, imagine that times ten on opening week. Well, that sounds terrible. I've seen scrums in Primark. Oh, yeah? I've seen, yeah, a lot of ladies

frithing through a bunch of knickers. Watched it for a long time, did you? I sat there whacking, Paul. Of course you did. I cannot lie. Of course you did. I cannot lie. Of course you did. You know what it is, Paul? Go on.

My cock's so minute, no one knows what I'm doing. That's the advantage. Is it not recording? No, it's recording. Well, you have to respond to my very... You go on and on, mate. I don't need to be here half the time. To summarise, I wank in public.

I don't. I don't really. Anymore. Okay, ten times opening week. So so it was busy yeah okay so my job on opening week was fitting room assistant you know that moody git who counts out how many items you're taking in and ask is everything okay when you come out yeah every so often we had to go around and check the fitting rooms making sure no personal belongings had been left behind or if the cubicles needed a bit of a forbeze after a smelly customer

or pick up hangers and all that jazz. Good. I have a feeling it's going to be that second example, smelly customer and something to do with shit. Well, I don't know. Vomit. Right.

Mucus. Okay. Snot. Dandruff. Okay. So I go around to the check and I peek into one of the cubicles. I can't believe my eyes. So I step into the cubicle to take a better look.

On the bench, nestled in the middle of a puddle, there is a rubber glove. What? A clear one, like from a first aid kit. The glove is tied up and puffed out with something liquid that is tinted slightly red inside. What's this? I thought it must be the contents of the puddle, and inside the baby finger is a used tampon. There's an inflated glove?

Someone's used their glove to put their tampon in. The glove stayed there for hours as the manager had to decide whose responsibility it was to clear up, as apparently the cleaners weren't meant to clean up bodily fluids. No. No. Not in the contract. No way. Eventually a deal was done and got it got cleaned up We never found out if it was a dirty protest by a posh country who hated the fact bath

Has been tented with prime arnie and pound shops or an overexcited chav who couldn't contain her excitement Literally and I gagged like a good in that day sorry it was so long my other primark stories include shit okay so i thought i'd save that for another day fair enough that was an interesting story paul it's all gone wrong on this podcast mate mate it went off the rails a long time ago you know what's going on with us what's what's happened man shall i read the story called The Mystery of the Smelly Surprise? Don't hear fucking May Gray solving that one, do you? Someone took a shit.

Do you want to hear it? That was my May Gray. Was it good? Is it in French, May Gray? Yeah. So why wasn't it in French? It sort of was, but it was quite subtle. Do it again.

Is this... Oh, is this a poo-poo? I will get to the bottom of this poo-poo. Shut up. Shut up. Right, so this is from Ian Elliott, and it's called The Mystery of the Smelly Surprise. Here we go. Hey, y'all, from beautiful Atlanta, and it's called The Mystery of the Smelly Surprise. Here we go.

Hey, y'all, from beautiful Atlanta, Georgia. Okay. He's setting a bit of colour there. A bit of local colour. A little colour. Local accent. A little bit of joy. Y'all.

Y'all to you too. Y'all to you too. Y'all welcome in the house of pickles. It's my house of pickles to be welcoming. Well, then you do it, unless you don't want to invite her in. Y'all. Is it a girl? It's in. Y'all. Is it a girl? It's Ian. Y'all, Ian!

Welcome to my House of Pickles! That's now formal invites, legally binding. Come any time you want. So, my name is Ian, and I'd like to share... God, no shit, Paul. Could have taken that bit out. Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian.

My name is Ian and I'd like to share quite possibly the most vile thing I encountered while working at a butcher at a local butcher supermarket. Oh, mate,

is this another animal one? Yeah, it's got maggots in. Oh, no. Sorry, Ian. Saving it for the Patreon. We're not in the mood for dead animals. I can feel my stomach

actually starting to go ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. You know? Yeah. You know what I thought? That stomach actually starting to go you know you know what I thought that someone was going to find a poo inside the stomach of a cadaver shut up here's a letter

from James Curry fever dream and an ask Silverman question let's make it a general mailbag shall we well we can wasn't there a thing asked Silverman that. Okay. Let's make it a general mailbag, shall we? Well, we can. I mean, wasn't there a thing, Ask Silverman, that just didn't have that much shit or dead things? No, it was actually quite informed

and you were disparaging a lot of it. Well, let's go back to that. Anyway, Tales from the Shop floor, it's over. It needs to be cordoned off. It's gone toxic. Just the dead animal part. And also the dead, dead old people. What a picture of Britain it is.

Fucking hell. Send nice stories. It's not going to be funny though, is it? No, it's not. It might be. It'd be all right. We could just take the piss out of it. Yeah, we could take the piss.

Oh, I made an old lady happy. Well, just read this one. Hello, Paul. I wish to thank you and Eli for helping me through a few days of illness and tell you about a fever dream you induced because I want you to share in my delirium. You happy with this? Shall I continue? I like a fever dream.

All right, James, here we go. I was on a cruise holiday in the Baltic and during three days in St. Petersburg, I became rather ill with severe flu-like symptoms. Knowing that there could be days at sea with not much to do, I had downloaded a few episodes of Cheap Show before the voyage, which proved to be a double-edged sword. Whoa. I can't imagine listening to cheap show when you're slightly nauseous. It would send me over the fucking head. Or anxiety.

Oh yeah, me. It's only me. You go, I don't sound like fucking Bruce Forsythe. You might as well do. Marvellous. It was about 3am. I had a fever, couldn't breathe well, and genuinely felt like shit.

So I reached for my phone and listened to Cheap Show in the hope that it would make at least pass the time. At least that's a fact. It could do that. At least we'll pass the time. Yes. Right. After a while, I fell into a deep sleep and began dreaming. It was the strangest dream I ever had, and I made notes the next morning so I could tell you all about it.

I don't know why I've picked this voice, but I like it. It's informative. It's a good way of encouraging lucid dreaming, I've heard, Paul. To write your dreams down. As soon as you wake up, when you can remember them. And then what happens?

Well, it kind of trains your mind, so you notice more. Yeah. And lucid dreaming is all about noticing that you're asleep when you're dreaming. Okay. Oh, hang on. But what's the benefit of that?

Then you can look at, it's deep. You can go deep into your own psyche. I've always wanted to do it. Why does it sound shit? I don't want to know. Listen, Paul, because you what? Imagine, you're in a dream world.

Just imagine, you don't want to know. You're in a dream world. All right. Yeah, and instead of watching... Is Freddy Krueger there? No, instead of watching your mum... Welcome to primetime, bitch. Instead of watching your mum put a huge marrow into an air vent...

That was your... No, you're obsessed with that. Last time it was a cucumber into an oven. Yeah, she's got a massive marrow. It's like a prize-winning marrow. Yeah. And she's kind of struggling to get into an air vent. Anyway...

I don't want to know what that means, though. I'm just saying, if you've got lucid dreaming... I'm not curious. You could say, oh, I'm not into that. I want to fly around and fuck women right and then you can do it in your dream that's what your dream would be great no not necessarily in a cape nude flying around swooping down oh i love having sex around the women that's creepy okay paul we all know you've got a sweet tooth and it's messing with your health now yeah yeah it's better than eating plastic but what i could wow you could indulge yourself in your lucid dream and go oh i'm gonna have the

loveliest cake i don't want to have a dream and all fizzy pop oh it never loses its fizzy in my dreamland does it forever bubbles forever don't tell me you don't understand the fucking the benefit of lucid dreaming. I've got the time or effort for it. I'm not interested. What do you mean

you haven't got the time? You have to sleep. Nah. You're such a cunt. I want to finish this fucking line. I'm right fucking out. So it's 3am.

He put the right thing on. Listen to us. He was feeling bad. I dreamt that I'd woken up in my cabin and saw two snakes slithering under the door. One had the head of Eli in his Ron Jeremy phase.

Ron Jeremy phase? Who is this guy? James. I'm taking back any liking of this. All right. Okay. You've crossed the line, James. And the other had Paul's head.

I reached down and gave them a hug. In what phase? In what phase was Paul's head in in did he have a fucking phase you hate being compared to ron jeremy because it happens all the time all the time i've cut to the point i'm such as i've i've put the fucking hatred in internally yeah i fucking shaved the other day and i thought oh i look like ron jeremy yeah well i think you look more like Dom DeLuise. Now that's better. See, I think so. What did he do?

He used to be a chef. No, he was a comedian. He was like loads of Gene Wilder films and Mel Brooks stuff, you know. I think in Blazing Saddles he's the put out,

you touch. Yeah, that's the worst part of that film. That's the bad part of that film. He's been in other stuff. Oh, he's in like Cannibal Run

with Burt Reynolds. Horrible. I like it. You like it. It's deeply problematic. We're never going to get to the end of this fucking. Anyway. We're snakes. I was in like Cannibal Run with Burt Reynolds. Horrible. I like it. It's deeply problematic. We're never going to get to the end of this fucking. Anyway. We're snakes. I go ahead. I reach down and give them a hug and they perch on my shoulder offering advice and swearing

at each other. Then. Cheap shoes. Price of chase. This is a good game. No, that's Brucey. I know. I want to be Bruce. Just do a snake. You, that's Brucey. I know. I want to be Bruce. Just do a snake. You're fucking... Bruce-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s- Not an oven. It could be a toaster. In a cat flap. She's putting an asparagus into a toaster.

Crap. Right, so then a snake with the head of Noel Edmonds came in. And I killed it by stamping on its face. Oh, yes. Hooray! And it squished with black liquid exploding out and the snake corpse dissolved into the floor. I've heard rumours that knows that.

That knows what? That if you puncture its head, it dissolves into the floor. I've heard rumours that knows that. That knows what? That if you puncture his head, he dissolves into the floor. And then where does he go? He just soaks into the carpet. And what? Murdered to get out. And he's gone forever, is he? Yeah.

So you've heard stories? Yeah. As if that had happened before. No, that's the rumour. That's what happened before. No, that's the rumour. That's what all would happen. That would happen.

So it's a prediction. Because of his dark art. It's bullshit. Could happen. It was a lame bit it's a prediction. Because of his dark art. It's a bullshit. Could happen. It was a lame bit of attempted comedy that you just did. And I'm not having it, Paul. It's like, you know, I need a footing. I need a footing.

I really do. When you just do. I've heard that Noel is a snake, you know, and dissolves. I mean, that was, it's weak. Come on. By anyone's standard. Come on, try it. Let's weak. Come on. By anyone's standard. Come on, try it. Let's get to the end of this. Alright. Fuck's sake. I'm very sad.

The next scene of this delirium was being chased down a corridor by dozens of gnoll snakes whilst clutching at my Eli and Paul. We rounded a corner to some lifts where we saw Ash being stabbed by Mr. Blobby. Excellent. His dying words being hit the moog.

I then remember slapping the Paul snake for some reason. Eventually Mr. Blobby caught up with me and killed me. And the gnoll snakes catching up and enveloping me as I expired. Enveloping. Enveloping me as I expired. I don't know what became of you and Eli.

I do have a question for Ask Silverman. How toasted does Eli like his toast? What does he put on it? Toast? Yeah. Well, I'm glad you've asked that. Thank you for reading my nonsense, even though you caused it. James, best wishes.

Thank you, James. Toast. Toast. Well. How toasted do you like it? I'll tell you something, Paul. I love toast. Yeah. And I'd like it edging towards burnt.

I can go pretty dark. I'm the opposite these days. I like almost a little yellow tinge across the bread so it's a bit white. Do you like a light toast? Over time I've just appreciated a bit of butter in like raspberry jam. That's nice. It's absolutely bliss. But

yeah, I like honey. I like just butter on toast. Just butter. Just honey as well? No, I'm always trying to have butter with the honey. Is it weird that people butter and then put jam on? Or should you just put jam on? No, that's the whole point. Is it? Do you just put jam on?

When I was younger, I only put jam on my toast, thinking butter was weird. It makes it not as half as delicious. But then one day I tried butter and I became a man. Strong man. Man with toast. But as good. Recently I've been having...

Isn't that weird though? Do you think other countries do that? Yeah. Butter and jam. Why is that weird? I don't know. It feels weird to me. No, that's normal.

Butter or jam. No. Why mix the two? Because butter is a great base. I see it like... The oil in it. Do you want me to get explanatory here? I see it like the way the Chinese see tea.

They would be shocked to put milk in their tea. And so I'm wondering if it was a cultural thing, like other countries don't use... Of course it's a cultural thing. It's all cultural. But there's a basis to it, Paul, which is the butter has an oil, is oil, is oily, is fat.

Yeah. And so it coats the mouth and it delivers the flavour of the jam in a totally, you know, the fucking taste of butter. All the little hand movements I'm enjoying. Mate, butter is the grease of deliciousness. Well, there's a t-shirt for you.

Isn't it? Come on. Butter is the grease of deliciousness. You're such, your whole life, you go, you can't taste or feel anything. Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Wrap it up, mate. I'm just saying. But it's great.

So recently I've enjoyed some gentleman's relish. Yay! Which is a spiced anchovy paste. Right. And that, with a bit of butter, is the pure flavour synergy. And I reckon it's called gentleman's's Relish because it smells of cum. No, like a vagina. What?

Is it a fishy paste? My flatmate said, I don't understand all of this vagina smells of fish thing. How are we there? How do we get here? I want to end the segment now. And I said to him, no, you can't end the segment.

All right, go on. That's what I wanted to say, really, that, you know, he just doesn't understand it. I do, and it's weird. There you go, ladies and gentlemen. Eli enjoys... Marmite, I like Marmite as well.

Well, we've made you... You've had your political point said. Oh. Oh, I was nearly close to the first stop. The ultimate toast thing. Yeah. Butter. Yeah.

Peanut butter. Yeah. And honey. All three. Splam. Decadence, ladies and gentlemen. That's really nice. Pure decadence.

That's a silky mouthful. Oh, have you heard this? Have you heard? A silky mouthful of gentleman's relish. No, you wouldn't want to mix your gentleman. Oh, that's nasty. See, I do draw the line with sort of like Marmite and peanut butter. Yeah.

People swear by that. Or cheese and peanut butter yeah people swear by that or cheese and peanut butter you know cheese and peanut butter would be too much it's double up you're doubling up on the cloy yeah

cloy too yeah the choking yeah it's not no it's too much did you hear there is peanut butter can be deadly

as well there's some kind of mould that grows on peanuts like when they're in storage yeah and people have had bad peanut butter can be deadly as well. There's some kind of mould that grows on peanuts, like when they're in storage. Yeah. And people have had bad peanut butter and died from it. Have you snoped that? What do you mean, snoped?

Have you double-checked your source for that? I need to double-check my source. Where do you hear it from? Trust my sources. Always double-check your sources. My dad. You're spouting them. My dad.

Oh, so your dad told you? Yeah. And what does your dad read it from? Do you know where your dad's sources are? He's got a guy, he's got an inside guy at the peanut place just saying mate he's got an inside guy that shit on this

podcast and expected to be taken as fact peanut john irresponsible peanut john yes and this i'm not doing an impression of him because he's a real person

peanut john oh i'm very cross oh i've got a rash i can't do that voice he's made himself over Oh, I've got a rash. I can't do that voice. This segment's over. Right, we're going to watch some weird Paul. And what episode have we chosen?

Just so people know. It is the Thrift Store Hall June 2018 okay a couple of months ago yeah so not too long ago a few months ago not too bad at all so here's what we're going to do we're going to watch the video

and we're going to pause it and comment upon his finds I think is the best option here I think how long has Weird Paul been going don't know he follows us on Cheap Show I think do you know anything about Weird Paul? Nothing outside of his videos.

He's not that weird. I find him quite informative. Sexy. No. Attractive. Alluring. Hot. No.

Sticky. Poor. Round. Poor. Round. Stop burping. You farted. I did not.

I haven't farted this time. Did you hear the podcast? I sampled your fart and I pulled it out. The bits where you do a big old arse raspberry. No. I did. Shows you don't listen to the fucking show as well. I did listen to it.

No. I found that fart and I highlighted it so you could hear it. It's a proper... Oh, fucking just play the video. You're so shit. Anyway, we're going to watch Weird Paul now. Let's watch Weird Paul. And see what he's got.

Because I always... I find what he gets really fascinating. I wish I could find some stuff like that. I like going in charity shops and have a nice rummage. I like to rumble. Have a little rumble. Have a little rummage. Have a little dingle dongle.

Have a little scrimmy scrimmy slam. I really wanted to buy that board game of How to Be a Complete Bastard with Ade Edmondson. Yeah. But they were selling it for 20 quid.

Some board games are very collectible, Paul. Maybe, but I kind of feel like I definitely would have bought it for 10, but 20 seems a bit too... I've seen June. The board game?

Tenner. The board game based on June Whitfield? That's really rare, that. That's... I am a comedy man. No. I like the songs Who's June Whitfield. That's really rare, that. That's... I am a comedy man. I like the songs Who's June Whitfield? Is that literally

the only June you could think of? Yes. And she's like a 1975 reference or something. June Whitfield's popular to this day. You could just play fucking video, man. It's gone off now. I might buy June the board game. Do it. I'm just warning you. Do it. And then we'll see. What kind of June the board game. Do it. I'm just warning you. Do it. And then

we'll see. What kind of board game is it? Is it like chess? It said players 10 and over. 2 to 4. 2 or 4. Okay, but what kind of game is it? I would imagine it's some kind of dice based sort of adventure board game. Like Dungeons and Dragons kind of thing?

No, because it's like a self... It's a board game and it's made by HB or something. I'll do the research on that. I'll be interested. Yeah. It's that one charity shop in Camden that seems to have been gifted by someone who actually was a serious enthusiast because they've had all these

strange games that they've priced quite highly. There was the Game of War. Was it called the Game of War? For £100 or something. That was the game where the premises Was it called the game of war? Yeah. For a hundred quid or something. That was the game where the premises, you have to get hold of America. It's got a picture of... Yeah, but it had a picture of Saddam Hussein on the cover. Yeah.

It was like 75 pounds. 75 quid. Fuck me. I was going for about that on eBay, but no one was buying it. Yeah, but that's why. Yeah. Anyway. So I might have been pushed over to getting the Dune board game.

It's nice. If you find it, get it. The cover looks like it's in good nick. No, I get it. It's your birthday present from me. You get it. Look, just play the video. Uncle Paulie will put a few bob in your pocket to get it.

Fuck off. Don't touch me. I've got a couple of bob. Look. What? Don't touch me. Let's just do this. Here we go, Weird Paul.

What have you found this month? Let's start off with books and magazines ok I got a couple old issues of Dynamite that's Debbie Gibson is it how cool is that wait fucking 10 seconds in it's super cool

what monsters are there a creature from the black lagoon it doesn't have a name it's like in. It's super cool. What monsters are there? Creature from the Black Lagoon. It doesn't have a name. Isn't that like the creatures from the year 10,000 or something? That's them, isn't it? Or it. Oh, the Ant film. Isn't that it? That's a spider.

And that's... Oh, who the fuck are they? Those two. We've got one out of four here. That's quite hard. Well, we don't know. Maybe you do at home. Anyway, continue. No. I hate him. Simpsons.

Simpsons. Dark. No, she didn't. Oh, no, that's terrible what I just said. What are these? What are these people eating? And I got this little field guide to PEZ dispensers. I used to have this one. Oh!

I like that. It's cool. For those who can't watch the video, as we do, because, you know, whatever, there's a PEZ that's like a hand with an eye holding in its palm. Holding an eye. It's like a really psychedelic PEZ, man. I've never seen a PEz so trippy as that. That's awesome.

There's some Pez out there. Mate, we've been living in... There's some dispensers. All I've ever known was fucking Walt Disney characters. No, they've got the Muppets. They've got everything. They've basically got every single franchise cartoon character. They're like the Funko Pop of cheap sweets.

They were the Funko Pop of their day, I guess you'd say. It's still going.'d say. Still going. Discuss. Discuss. Discuss. Fuck off, Paul. Well, I'm just throwing it out there. Discuss.

Do you know what? I really sometimes think you might just be like a computer program. Biddy, biddy, bid. Just play the thing. Biddy, biddy, biddy. Yeah. Here we go. Good.

Nice going, Buck. Who is a hardcore PEZ collector for Christmas one year. Now that's a gift from the heart. $350. Psychedelic hand dispensers. And I got a few classic 80s issues of Life magazine. 1989 in pictures includes the San Francisco earthquake and the death of Salvador Dali.

1986 in pictures includes the Challenger disaster and the death of Salvador Dali. Oh. After he did Chipper Chips. Includes the Challenger disaster and Max Headroom. Max Headroom. 1985 in the pictures was my favourite though because of the section It's like Ready Player One. Max Headroom!

Is he in Ready Player One? Probably. I can't remember. I got this ad for Atari Pitfall. Now that's cool. Yeah, it is cool. Okay, it's time to move on

to the category of That's why he's weird, Paul. Too intimate. One of my favourite fights this month was this Darkwing Duck Fanny Pack from 1991. It's Fanny Pack.

Darkwing Duck's appeared in the UK. Do you know what they call a Fanny Pack in the UK? In French. In French. This is something that came out of a vending machine.

I got magnets. Mickey Mouse. Charles in South Carolina. Oh, I'm gone. A sack de banane. I got magnets. Mickey Mouse, Charleston, South Carolina. Oh, hang on. A sack de banan. A banana sack. Yeah, because it's shaped. You think about it.

Oh, that makes more sense. Better than a bum bag. Yeah. So Mickey Mouse badge. I want that. Hayley's Comet badge. I want that. Charleston.

A racist badge. Oh, dear. A racist stereotype badge of a black lady. Because I've said this before, I must have, but when I was a kid, growing up... You had loads of gollywogs in the house. No, I... You sent off for a gollywog.

Do you know Robinson's Jam's character, the logo, was a gollywog? Which, again, for those who don't know, is a toy of a black character that was... It is racist, but it's kind of like... Did it come from Andy Pandy? Was it just a toy? I don't know where it comes from. But basically...

It was some kind of character. It was, you know, a reasonably racist caricature of a black person. Very racist, I would say. Anyway, for some reason, Robinson's Jam in the UK and Marjorie... No, tangerine what's the

marmalade marmalade marmalade I know marmalade was the brain sparring was a gollywog

but you could collect the spout on it and send it off for enamel badges yeah you were you were a sucker for an enamel badge

yeah so I have loads of little enamel badges of the gollywog wearing different costumes and things like that. Probably might be collectible. Yeah, but I don't want them anymore. I don't want to be seen wearing them.

So someone will buy them. Yeah, but I don't want to know who that person is. And then it's like taking blood money. It'd be like, yes, we are interested in your gollywog pins. Well, these days, let's get topical. It'd be more, yes, I'm interested in your. Oi, oi, oi, oi. I'm interested in them. Get, oi, oi, oi, I'm interested in... Get out!

There you go. That's for satire, though. You didn't expect that, did you, ladies and gentlemen? Anyway, dodgy badge. Let's continue. Cool! I like that one. The pretzel, yeah! Oh, it's like a coupon. I like that. The pretzels Yeah 5 cents

Oh it's like a Coupon I like that A wooden coupon That's nice Oh yeah I don't really like Those kind of bags

I've got quite a few of those I'd have that Creepy That's nice though Put that on a nice shirt I like the ceramic Rhino patches. A NYPD harbor unit patch and my favorite, this Kennedy Space Center patch. Put that on a nice shirt. I like the ceramic rhino. That does seem the kind of thing you would love.

Wow. Paul. Let's have a little look at these. Would you collect that, though? He's the ultimate thrift store collector, isn't he? He collects anything. We're nothing to this man. He literally goes, oh, great. Would you collect that, though? He's the ultimate thrift store collector, isn't he? He collects anything. We pale. We're nothing to this man.

He literally goes, oh, great. But it feels like there's no filter. It just feels like, I want that. It's like a kleptomania, almost, that he pays for it. He has a mania. And that's what I was saying about when he has that video showing you around his house. You'd think, oh, it's going to be completely crazy. But there's no way you can collect that much stuff and not be completely ordered about where you... You know what I mean? Because it's a normal house. Yeah. You'd think, oh, it's going to be completely crazy, but there's no way you can collect that much stuff

and not be completely ordered about where you, you know what I mean? I guess. Because it's a normal house. He just literally has storage on every wall of everyone in his house.

Jesus, though. For what end? For various stuff. He's got DVDs, he's got videos, like VHSs, you know, old photos.

He's got cassettes. It's too much. Vinyl's got cassettes It's too much Vinyl records That's a bit too much Anyway Fucking crazy Ponderosa Real nice condition

Yeah Oh I love all this stuff though It's not weird How they just turn up In these thrift stores And then someone buys it. Again. Okay.

Cake toppers? Yeah. That is popular. My dad has one of those, I think. A cake topper? Yeah, with a little golfer and stuff. So what, you just put it on every year? Yeah.

Also got some great vintage greeting cards. Watch the message on the inside. Want to really keep the doctor away? Try garlic. Oh, there's nothing. Got some postcards from the UK. Yay. Represent.

Represent. And one of Nicolas Cage oh Nicolas Cage that's my impression plus I found some photos of someone's old interior decoration that's weird

great ones of people that I don't know wee there he goes weird and then he ooh heads of pennies yeah because he's

covering up for their own purposes they're monsters And then he Ooh Heads of pennies Yeah because he's Covering up For their own purposes They're not penny heads They're monsters And finally One awesome score For only 99 cents Was this little

First act amplifier Microphone included It's a piece of shit But I bet it's Nice You know what I mean Even better recall I remember them all

I can see why His music career ended He didn't have A music career He did. This is another thing I found out about him when he was giving the tour. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's this? He had a music career? He had a music career. It was like Arthur Brown's Crazy World kind of stuff? No, I think it was in a sort of indie style group. Really? In the 80s, yeah. Have you heard any of it?

No. You can't get it online? You can. I just wasn't interested. So if I found a clip of it, I could put it in right now on YouTube? If I do, I'm going to put it in right now. Hot water heater I'm looking at the water heater

Hot water heater I'm looking at the water heater State select. State select. It's the expert's choice in the USA. State select. State select. It's the expert's choice in the USA. We'll be right back. so that was either great or it just cut straight to this bit so i don't think it did i don't know

we'll find out you will find out keep watching this video yeah let's do that there's still loads of it only one cassette this month and it's from someone's answering machine oh was it maybe a joke no i got a couple of lPs. This is the third album by the band Triumph. Just a game. No cover, just the record. And I got the 1986 album by Emerson, Lake and Powell. Not Palmer.

Yeah, they must have... Palmer, get out! Get out! We've got Powell in it. Oh, hello, I'm Powell. We've got another drummer. It starts with a P. He'll do. Oh, come on. You don't have to change anything if you hire me. I can play the drums. Caddyshack theme.

I've got that. What, the Caddyshack theme? No. You should get that. That's great. They're not that magic Those are 45 adapters Nice

I got Def Leppard on vinyl recently I got Hysteria the album Fucking awesome Fucking awesome mate I got Fucking awesome, mate. I got this feeling like I'm in my blood. Whoa. And I want.

Don't touch me with your wet finger. And I'm out. That's not content. And I'm out. You feel. I was surprised to find this CD

by Popple Eat Itself on the Rough Trade label. Oh, yeah, they were. I worked for a company at Sanctuary Records that was associated with Rough Trade for a while. Oh, yeah, they were. I worked for a company, a Sanctuary Records, that was associated with Rough Trade for a while. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Had a few meetings.

With Rough Trade? Yeah, sat in on a few. In my job. VHS-C. Oh! Told you. What? in 2004. Too bad I didn't have this footage for my music video back in 1988. I told you. What? I think that was him, yeah.

I think he's become self-aware. That was a fan. That was a deep cut for a fan. Probably you. What? Trump's had of erotic film Nice That's alright I like that This parrot is dead

It is an ex-parrot Hey I'm like the danger field Oh I've cooked me a knob God What a load of shit Oh Oh

That has to be quite good Strange thing Foo, fire I was watching that documentary last night Well no the film of Down and out in Beverly Hills. That's actually quite good. And the 30th anniversary edition of Animal House. Strangely. Foo, fie. I was watching that documentary last night. Well, no, the film of... National Lampoon. Yeah. What was his fucking name?

Doug Kenny. Yeah, is he the founder, is he? Yeah. His tragic life. 20th anniversary edition of Purple Rain. Good cast. Blue Bay of Eric Clapton Guitar Festival. I recommend it.

I think it's called something, something, something. I can't remember. I got a four-fellows. Good pull, yeah. Sorry. Oh. That, that, that. Oh.

Fucking hell. He's buying anything. He literally just goes, I got this feeling in my blood. Whoa! Why are you saying that again? He said animal. Animal.

Animal. Whoa! Whoa! Oh. God. God. No filter. That sucks. Yep. I got The Interpreter Troy The Last Samurai Scorpion King and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen I got a couple of these

50 horror classics discs that was the last film Sean Connery ever did is it? yeah he quit after that I got Mute Witness The Sixth Sense

and the director hasn't directed another movie since either really? yeah he was the guy who directed Blade the same director as that Norrington Steve

I've seen something like that No Cool Nice one there He just buys the whole bunch He goes I'll take the whole Of this bit Do you know what I mean?

Yeah There we go Oh here we go Gannon's interested I mean there must have been Like 50 pete Oh, here we go. Galen's interested. For the Wii, I got Carnival Games, Lego Rock Band, and Scooby-Doo and the Spooky Swamp. I mean, they must be like 50 feet. For the PlayStation, I got Test Drive 6. For the PS2, I got Open Season.

You don't care about anything. I got Lego Star Wars 3. Lego Star Wars. Don't you like that? No, that's all right. But not on the fucking PSP. A lot of shit. Team Bravo 3.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Is that good? I don't know. Daxter. Daxter? The Rapper. The Rapper? The Rapper? I know that. That's a fucking good game. There's a new Wario we Prince. Is that good? I don't know. Daxter. Daxter? Rapper the Rapper. I know that.

That's a fucking good game. There's a new WarioWare out, you know? I know. I want to play it. Can I play it on your... If you're a good boy, you can play WarioWare on my PS. All right. I got some trading cards.

Go on, mate. I got 14 Shopkins cards. Shopkins? Shopkins is a big thing with the kids these days. I was on Cheap Show I got 14 Shopkins cards. Shopkins? Shopkins is a big thing with the kids these days. We had one in Cheap Show, though, a while ago, with the Easter egg.

Shopkins, yeah, that's true. Way back in, I think, episode 13, 14, something like that. Two How to Train Your Dragon, two cards, a couple Nat Geo kids cards, and four Pokemon cards.

Plus, I found this one huge Pokemon card. I never saw one of these before. And I found this awesome Lucky Charms Pog. Wish me lucky charms. You see, he collects Pogs. This stuff is just sort of... Ooh. Wish me lucky charms. You see, he collects pogs. This stuff is just sort of... Here we go.

I fucking want that. What is it of? Okay. Bambi. That's nice. And this vintage 1981 plastic Garfield bank. I like that as well. Yeah, I don't know about Garfield.

Yeah, but I just like... It's oversaturated. Yeah, but I just like... Oversaturated. Yeah, but it's... It's a Mr. Clean oversized figure from the year 2000. That's interesting. There were only 100,000 of these made. They're probably not worth that much, though. I think they even showed up on a...

Is that like a retro... It's like a repress of that from... It's got this 1976... It was already a retro... No, I think it was based on an advert. Oh, really? Yeah. It's like when you release Flat Erics.

Remember? Yes. Those are quite collectible, apparently. I've got one. They're like a couple of hundred quid or something. I've got a Flat Eric.

They are. They're very collectible. That, by the way, was Amy from Doctor Who who didn't know. And now it's time for the find of the month. Let's come on,

get into it, Doctor Who right now. Yeah. Star Wars! I have one of those. Star Wars! Star Wars! And I got this for a nickel

fuck my ribs wow everything that you saw in this video for about what's he hiding on his forehead $19

for all of that for all of that that's crazy business how did you enjoy my thrift store haul from June of 2018 and if you did don't forget to click on that like button down. And the bell.

So they get notifications. Oh, he's back. Is he self-aware? Does he cut it? Is he self-aware? Yes. Because that edit then was a little bit too long. How many subscribers does he have? Is he self-aware? Yes. He must be. He's a long time. That edit then was a little bit too long.

How many subscribers does he have? Oh, he's only got 20K. 20K subscribers, that's it. I thought he would have had more than that. He's been going for years, hasn't he? I don't know. I don't know. How do you find that out?

You can't. You can't too. I've got to find out, detective. He strikes me. They're so sort of old school, his videos, as someone who might have been making amateur videos before YouTube was even a thing. Yeah, definitely.

He was probably in the 90s making these kind of things. He just has that feel to it. Do you know what I mean? Like rock videos for stuff. He definitely had a music career anyway. This guy's got a bone disease. Weird Paul Halloween skit. We're watching that.

Oh, God. Just to end on. He's doing a sketch. This guy's got a bone disease. I've never seen nothing like it. This guy's got a bone disease. This guy's got a bone disease. Oh, that's really bad.

It's better than anything you've ever written no it's not yes it is make it stop I did and there was another put it away then yep

there was another how what five minutes of that three right I couldn't have I could not bear it no

weird Paul stick to what you know stick to what you know weird Stick to what you know. Weird Paul, little bit of advice for you. Little bit of advice, Paul. Just why do you have to copy everything I have to say?

Look, we've gone in here to intimidate weird YouTube gover to a little channel. We've come in here to intimidate weird Paul. You stop repeating everything I say, okay?

All right. All right. As I was saying. As you were saying. A little bit of a fucking don't do that. You know, I wasn't going to but now I'm gonna

I'm just saying weird Paul take my advice stick to the this stuff about town oh fucking shut up

gave you some time to explain yourself what you failed alright and what a fucking waste of time that was is this a good segment

Paul I thought it was fine. Has this segment worked? I thought there were some witty moments. Let's just get a dead dog story out. Come on. Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's our favourite time of the show where we dive into Mr Silverman's boxy records

and we come up a fatter platter. So what have we got for you this time Mr. Eli fucking Jay Silverman. Okay Paul, today on Silverman's splatter platteratter fatter platter. I've got some fetter. Hang on. Where's this gonna go? Nobody

knows. I've got some fetter. I'm still waiting. Still waiting. Come on, love. Come on, love. Do you want some better fetter? Well, come and listen to my splatter.

It's Silverman's Platters, and here's a splatter that makes you fatter. Unlike fetter, which can be half fat. Pointless. I shouldn't have let that happen. You should. That was on me. Right, so we're doing platter. So we've both got a few little things to show off.

Yeah, because you're trying to step up, aren't you? You're trying to own every little part of this until you can actually get rid of me. No. Actually get rid of me. I couldn't do this podcast without you, Silverman. Did you ever know that you're my hero? Right.

You're going to sit on your record, you fat-ass fucking hobbit. I've sat on my fucking record. All right. You are the wind beneath my wings. Wings. What is that, Paul? Wings. Paul.

What? Don't sing. Please don't. I'm being nice about it. I was doing Bette Midler then. I'll do Bette Midler. Would you? Yeah.

Even now? Yeah. All right, good. Right. So, I've do better. Would you? Yeah. Even now? Yeah. All right, good. Right. So, I've given up already. I'm not invested. Here we go. Here we go.

So, I've got a bit of enjoyment. I'm just getting a bit of enjoyment out of buying records now. I don't buy them like you, like it's a habit. It's not a habit. I went for me. I love that. It's part of what I do for a living, Paul. He's making the, oh, blah, blah, talking shit thing sign with his hand.

Yeah, I am. Because you are. What do you mean I'm talking? What do you mean I'm talking shit? God, you've lost the will to live. Here we go. He's lost the will to talk. Who wants to go?

He doesn't know what he's doing. We've got records. You go first. Well, I'll tell you what. This one's a bit of a punt. All right? No, it's not Steve Wright. We will get to Steve Wright, but it's not Steve Wright.

This is my little surprise for me. So, what I'm going to show you, I don't think in terms of the content, is very interesting. But it's more about how it's been packaged. So I'll just... I'm trying not to biggle up too much, but just see if this tickles your fancy. This is two copies of

Rice Krispies Club Tropicana by wham and abba i have a dream yeah so the two but the label is cbs different ones so there's a snap crackle and pop the cartoon characters from the advertising there the little naughty elves that make a lot of noise record yeah uh kellogg's yeah these must have been a free gift with cereal and then you've got Rocket by Herbie Hancock that's quite a good tune that kind of introduced

scratching to the world it was an extremely influential record on a young Eli when I was just learning to pop. Oh, I like this kind of music. Is that what I sounded like as a child? Yes. Weird. Mama.

Is that how I sounded? I wish ow. I wish to have. You sound like a geriatric old man, I mean. Papa, Mama. I didn't say that. It is finally in my future. Finally, I say. Oh!

I never said that. Anyway, you've got two records here. Like I said, you've got one which has Club Chococano on one side by Wham. Yeah. Club Chococano drinks are free. Fun sunshine. Never cared for Wham myself. Poor.

I did not care for them. And Rocket. Herbie Hancock. Very? I did not care for them. And Rocket. Herbie Hancock. Very good. Yep, yep, yep. So these are split sevens. What we call a split seven has a different artist on one side. And the other one has I Have a Dream by Ava on one side.

Do you remember how that went? I have a dream. Is it really going like that? I have a dream. And I have another dream. And then then could it be more 80s oh julie by shaken stevens everybody shaken stevens we've not touched on him before actually i don't think in the podcast properly but um imagine elvis but from wales there was this thing in the 80s though wasn't there this sort of undercurrent culture rockabilly which was

yeah rockabilly and rock and roll was a 50s kind of nostalgia yeah which was very strong and Shake and Stevens cornered the market epitomized it

and was Shawody Woddy kind of like that that was like that the Flying Pickets maybe no Shawody Woddy

and like the Rubettes but those were bands from about a decade earlier oh yeah okay it went on from the mid 70s this whole sort of 50s revival

started I reckon in the mid 70s yeah and then went on and then it's most commercial sort of embodiment

must have been Shaken Stevens because he had some hit records I got the green door and that was behind the green door

yeah that was an old standard did you know what's behind it in the song? It's a prostitute. It's about a whorehouse, isn't it? That's what I think it's about. If you had a green door. Hello, hello, hello. How much

for round the world? 40, Bob. Oh. You can grumble on me tits for 60, Bob. I've come, love, anyway. Does this conversation set me off? We're shaking. He needs to shake this conversation set me off we're shaking he needs to shake this

cum off me knob wow one star review remember ladies and gentlemen remember at least we're trying we are very trying right

so that was my first little platter it's not really a platter but I thought a little I thought you might like it of vinyl I thought you might like it

get the vinyl juices flowing yeah just a little appetif ooooh ooooh right I'm going to open my fizzy drink

while you're doing this okay while I'm doing what I'm not doing anything when you do the next section professionally so do you want them no

oh I'll have them then I just thought you might like them I've got the extended version of Rocket by Herbie Hancock on a 12 inch I only thought you'd like them because they were basically

you know a brand giveaway I've seen those before but I've never actually interrogated them. Is this the bottle I'm opening? To the extent. Very fizzy. I've never interrogated them to the extent where I realise that they must have just been a series of them which you could

send off for I would imagine. Very fizzy water. But whoever collected these has gone to the effort of, in handwriting, writing on the artist and track title on each side of the paper sleeve. Nice and lovely. Lovely, lovely stuff. I love finding little things. Affectations of humanity. Just little things that people have scrawled on old records.

It adds a bit of history, doesn't it? It certainly is. It's history in your hands. I like to feel the feel of the history in my hands. I'm going through the undergrowth of the charity shop. Oh, what's that there? It's a broken alarm clock. Oh, push that aside.

Oh, I can smell the waxy Indefinable Smell of an old Mantovani LP I give it a good sniff And I think I've got flecks of spittle All over my beard And it's all spongy

It's gone all spongy down there It's gone all spongy And it's at that point in the sketch You like gave up I haven't given up It's gone all spongy. And it's at that point in the sketch you gave up. I haven't given up. It's just all spongy. I was waiting for another fucking character to come in. There was no other character. I know. You're brankrupt.

Brankrupt? I'm a brankrupt, am I? Listen, it's the first record on today's... It's your turn to pick it. It's not my turn. My turn, your turn. Let's start with this boring one then, shall turn. My turn, your turn. My turn, your turn. Well, let's start with this boring one then, shall we?

All right, then. Let's get you out of the way. I've got the Ovaltine theme for swinging Ovaltiners. Eric Delaney and his music, the Ovaltine Beat Group. So, explain to the audience what Ovaltine be. It's a malt-based hot drink. I'm just doing research into whether they still make it. Oh, yeah, they do. They do.

Ovaltine is a brand of milk-flavouring product made with malt extract, sugar and whey. Is that what I just said? Sometimes they add cocoa to it. So it's whey. It's got whey, which is not vegetarian. What is whey? I think it's animal-derived. It comes from milk.

It's like belly linings or something. It comes from milk. So it is vegetarian. It's not vegan. vegan sorry oh well fuck vegans okay there you go yeah they still make it i i thought like horlicks taken over the market on that kind of malt based i think they're i'd say horlicks probably do dominate the market but ovaltine is still going but it was a big thing before to the extent where they had a whole group of musicians record an ep well it was because the adverts had the oval team theme which i'll play now We are the Oval Teenage Little Girls and Boys Make your requests, we'll not refuse you We are here just to amuse you

Would you like a song or story? Will you share our joys? At Games and Sports we're more than keen No merrier children could be seen Because we all drink Ovaltine We're happy girls and boys. Make your requests, we'll not refuse you. We are here just to amuse you.

Would you like a song or story? Will you share our joys? At games and sports we're more than keen. No, Mary, our children could be seen. Because we all drink Oval Team, we're happy girls and boys. So that was using the advert, but it became a big hit somehow, and they had to release it on a single. Let's put a record out. Yeah. Let's put a record out.

Let's get a bonus obsession, musicians, innit, Roo? Oh, you know what? That old fucking shit that I've fucking done, some cunt likes it, so let's put a fucking record out. Yeah, make a quick buck. Cunt like it, put a record out. All right. All right.

All right. So what else is on it? Because it seems like it's a few little mini tracks. Yes. Side one, you've got the Ovaltine theme. That's what everyone's there for. Yeah, that's the big money. Then you've got Swing, Tijuana, Dixieland, arranged by Derek Cox.

Eric Delaney and his music. You said Derek. Yeah, not very good. And then side two. Fuck off. I'm trying. I was saying this isn't very good. Oh.

But you're not very good either, Paul. Okay, so let's include you then. All right then. Side two starts with London Bridges Falling Down. Now, I was intrigued to hear that. It might have been a funky little instrumental number. Bit of swing to it. A little bit of sass. A little funk, s, I was intrigued to hear that. It might have been a funky little instrumental number. A bit of swing to it. A little funk, sass. It doesn't

have that. No, it's not like that. It's not like that at all. What is it like? Well, can't we play it to the listeners? Oh, yeah. I'll play it now. Here we go. I'll do it properly now. Alright, I'll do it properly now. Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh. All right, I'll do it now. Thank you. so so Yeah, it's not good.

It feels really rigid. It doesn't feel like it... It just is not good. It's not great. It's just not very well performed. It's all a little bit, as I say, it's all a bit Ocean Drive for my liking. Lighthouse family.

I don't think there'll ever be a time again, Paul, where a TV advertising campaign will spawn vinyl. Do you think that will ever happen again? Not vinyl. I mean, another advert might come along. I mean, vinyl's still being made. People still make vinyl. It's much more narrowly focused medium these days, isn't it?

You don't just get someone going, oh, let's just do a record just as a something. No. You know, just as a general release. The novelty record isn't really a thing anymore. Because YouTube's kind of taken over that. The market is not there for novelty. No, not at all. The last one might have been when they released,

maybe might have, no, it doesn't really count, but like Peter K, Phil K, Peter K did, wrote Amarillo. Amarillo. Yeah.

But that was more the video itself was more. Yeah, you do still get those kind of big comedy numbers. Yeah. Usually supporting a charity and gang gang band, gang gang land.

Yeah. What was that called? Gang gang style. Gang gang style. Yeah. Usually supporting a charity and gang gang band. Gang gang land. Yeah. What was that called? Gang gang style. Gang gang style. Yeah. Gang gang style. Gang gang style. Yeah.

Yeah. That was like a novelty record, wasn't it? Had a little novelty dance. That was a big YouTube hit, though, first. It kind of, that was where it found its audience,

you know? So it's just a different era where they'd actually just have a promotional, and it's quite a pleasing cover on this Ovaltine, isn't it? I reckon you're meant to drink Ovaltine and stare at that rotating on the turntable. And you go, I must buy more Ovaltine.

I must buy more Ovaltine. I must kill my husband and buy Ovaltine. I must. I must. I must improve my bust. What? You started it by being shit. One star.

Right, go on. So that's that. Good. That's not very good, is it? I'll dip into my next one. Okay, then. So I'm going to dip into a thing. And again, once again, this isn't really.

What's the last platter in this splatter platter hour of fatter? Well, this is something we can't really play. We try, but we couldn't play. But something we want to talk about, because we've never really scratched that itch properly, and it's the FlexiDisc. FlexiDisc? I like FlexiDiscs,

although they're inherently flawed because of their flexibility. Why would you say that? They get damaged very easily. It's like these two have a kink in them and a fold. Now, I played it on that steeple top, whatever the cheap vinyl player I've got is. Your cheap vinyl player. That's because it has a hugely high tracking force.

I know. Which is what a lot of people... And Tecmo says this. Tecmo says this. Watch Tecmo. Tecmo. Tecmo. It says what?

It's a high tracking force. No, he also talks about tracking force of cheaper things. Anyway, they tend to be really heavy. Like five is meant to be the optimum or something. Yes. You're not really meant to be the optimum or something yes you're not really meant to I think three

three and a half I think that was it but you know the Technics 1210s they're quite high they're three and a half

oh okay well either way as a result of that weight they probably play because you want it to the heavier the tracking force

Paul the more likely it's going to overcome any kind of problems obstacle in the groove and this had a big obstacle for my

sensitive yeah it bounced right the fuck off it Riga 3 player oh show off with just an Audio Technica that's fucking great

cartridge which is boring which is basically it's boring it's optimum

boring tracking force setting is 1.5 boring which is basically it's maximum it's optimum tracking force setting is 1.5 boring and yours has got 5 yours is about 5 at least 4.5 boring you're boring you boring shit I feel like I've died you're a boring ugly man this is like being

you know I haven't been let into heaven he goes just sit in that sit in the lift with paul yeah he's just boring he's just gonna go on and on yeah cunt right so these two vinyls have you yeah these two flexi discs well they're just flexible discs and why did you usually get flexi discs i would have presumed on magazines that's it that's what they were designed for and we covered one of my favorite items engine noises the engine noises flexi discs? I would have presumed on magazines and giveaways. That's what they were designed for. And we covered one of my favourite items. Engine noises.

The engine noises flexi disc. And I've got one... Did we do that on the podcast or on Barsians? Or did we do both? I think we did it on both. But anyway... I can't fucking remember

what we did now. What it is, ladies and gentlemen, it's one from the 40s. I think it was a flexi disc that was given away on a motoring magazine, probably. And it lets you identify engine problems.

I think you're exhausted, Garth, but let me just check the record. I play this handy flexi-disc. Now you hear the knock. What that means, darling, is your motor is full of

wildebeest. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Sorry, the sketch is too shit. I'm fucking going. Bye, then. Wow, that was fucking weak, even from you, Silverman. Okay, you can have a conversation by yourself. Yeah, you're shitty, Eli.

Okay, so these I found in Oxfam. They're 99p, which I think is a bit of a fucking liberty, but one is beautiful green translucent. You can see right through it. And it says, it's by an artist called Gillan. Gillan was the band set up by Ian Gillan,

who was the lead singer, famously from Deep Purple. Oh. Yes. It says this is from a song called Purple Sky, 324. It's called Purple Sky. If I can find it on... He's keeping on the whole

sort of purple theme. I've got to keep the purple theme. Why do we call this Purple River? It's Bram Gillan. I was in a deep purple river. Alright, we've fucking got it. Yeah, and they call the album Deep Purple Sky. I was in like a band. And then let's call

it, let's call track one I was in Deep Purple. Right, okay. So it's got Gary Moore, Wishing Well, and also Telephone by, oh no, Telephone, and then the song Squeeze.

Oh, it's got two tracks on side B. Yeah. Now that is the unusual thing about this item, Paul. This is a flexi disc almost always given away on the cover of a magazine.

So they were almost always one-sided. Yeah. The other side was flush against the cover of the magazine i had looking where i had a few vinyls i had one that was um the jets crush on you we talked about that in the very early days on the cheap show i mean we've talked about the oval teenies now that's a real vinyl record that someone's come to the but the point is with uh flexes you could be even more uh cheap and throw away an ephemeral couldn't you you? Because you just sort of...

You can hardly feel the grooves on it. If you run your finger across it... They're micro grooves. It's crazy, though. It feels so smooth, like... Yeah, it's a micro groove. Weird. So that's one. I'm not sure where that would have come from. These have two sides. Does it say on it where it might have come from? I looked for it. I couldn't see it. It doesn't really say, does it?

Like if it came from a magazine or something. No, that's just the copyright. I always rather remember. Well, this one is a 38 special. And it's got... Which is a more normal colour, this one. This is a black. And it's got two sides.

Again, 99p, was it? Yeah, two sides. I spent three quid. You know what I have, which people might like? Yeah. Some private eye ones. Have you seen my private eye ones? Oh, you've told me about them.

I've not seen them. They've got Peter Cook and Dudley Moore on them. You're going to show me your private eye. Get your private eye ones? Oh, you've told me about them, but I've not seen them. They've got Peter Cook and Dudley Moore on them. You're going to show me your private eye? Get your private eye out for me. Oh, God, I'll open my private eye. I want to see your private eye. Oh, I can't believe that. Oh, I want more of that.

Sniff my private eye. Cock and more, more like. More cock. Right. There we go. No, it's got Pete and Dud on it. Yeah. And it's got one called the Gnome Service,

which is sort of like a pun on the Home Service. I've got that on my mini-disc. But I've got the original, on the original 5i Flexi. This is a Flexi from the 1960s, we're talking. That's very nice, though. And there is also one where they do a sort of piss-take psychedelic tune, all about LSD, which was very early, I think, I believe in 66, before Sgt. Pepper's was even released. Really? So the whole psychedelic tune all about lsd which was very early i think believe in 66

before sergeant peppers was even released so the whole psychedelic style yeah because it's already being parodied before it even arrived oh draggy draggy bumblebee it's that track yeah oh it's what is it that track bum bum bum bum no that's bumblebee that's the one you're getting confused the one off the Bewitched. Bedazzled. The Bedazzled soundtrack. Is that in Bedazzled? Yes, it is.

I just thought it was a single they released. And famously, that tune was bootlegged, and it was shopped around claiming to be an actual, authentic, unissued Beatles tune, by the way. Really? Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. No one could have bought that, though.

People, you know, there was a whole market for bootlegging stuff where you didn't know. I don't know if you would have thought that was the Beatles, though, just by listening to it. But you were saying... You probably wouldn't. It might have been, because George Martin might have produced that comedy track or something. Exactly. Anyway, this is a 38 Special. It was free with Kerrang! and it's got four tracks on this, so two sides.

And it has two sides as well. It's very unusual. Back Door Stranger and Firestarter, the two tracks on this side. And who they buy? I think that's 38 Special. I think that's the name of the band. Oh, yeah, there is a band, yeah.

And that's a reference, what, to a gun, like a Saturday Night Special? Maybe. I'm not cool. I don't know guns. No, I know you're not cool. The next one has two tracks on.

Mio Fist with Double or Nothing and then Doc Holiday, Last Ride. If I can get any of them working, I'll put one of them on now. Got to pay the dues for the life you choose If you count your time living on the edge It's all the same to the reaper's side

When it comes down on your last ride Last ride So yeah, two FlexiDiscs. Do you want them? Yeah, go on then. All right, I'll have to record them first. I didn't do it yet. I should also mention

another interesting FlexiDisc I have, which I think we need to revisit, is the Tourist one, which is like an audio introduction to the Isle of Man. Yes. Which has tourists. Didn't we only do that on Clickables? I don't think we ever did on the teacher. I'm not sure. But we tourists these sort of... Didn't we only do that on Clinkables?

I'm not sure. But we should do it again shouldn't we? Definitely. We should have another little flexi-splatter. I like that. A flexi-splatter

mini-session. Well, I think that's the perfect note to end on with the idea that in the future we'll be going all flexi-disc

on your platter. Have you got anything else to say? No. Good. You are a... Go on. Sayatter. Have you got anything else to say? No. Good. You are a... Go on. Say something.

Say something so I can ruin it. I respect you, Eli Silverman. You're drinking like a big baby. Oh, you pathetic cockerel. That's it. We're ending with you spitefully drinking Lucasade. At least I can.

And that's another episode of Cheap Show Done. Oh, it's all over. I can't believe we got through that. Doesn't time fly? Do you know what was your favourite?

Go on. My favourite bit was when that fucking charmer, that absolute charmer, what was he called? Grumpy Sessions. Grumpy Sessions! That's what he was called, Grumpy Sessions,

when he came. And I think you know what, Paul? Did our heart grow two times its own body weight? Did our heart grow two times its own body weight? I don't know what you're referring to. Did we all find something new about ourselves by being in the presence of fucking Grumpy Sessions? I'll tell you what happened, though.

Did we? I'll tell you what I have done, Paul. Go on. I invited Grumpy back. Yeah. Just to sort of... Say goodbye. Say goodbye to us.

Go on. Because fuck knows he's not appearing anymore after this. Oh, Grumpy, I can't believe he said that. Oh, hello. I'm, Grumpy, I can't believe he said that. Oh, hello. I'm Grumpy Sessions. I wonder if that's the same voice from the start of the episode.

It sort of is. I think it is. Kind of like that. Well, hello. And, uh, did you like the intro when I did the intro? I don't think I like

this return character. I think he's outstayed his welcome. I'll tell you who's outstayed his welcome. I think it's time you should go, Grumpy.

You've had your time. Grumpy, don't embarrass yourself on the podcast.'ll tell you who's outstayed his welcome. I think it's time you should go, Grumpy. You've had your time. Grumpy, don't embarrass yourself on the podcast. I'll tell you. You've had a good run. Don't touch me now. You've had a good run on the podcast, Grumpy. You're going to be... I want you to leave now.

I'll tell you what, you'll find out. Eli, can you get him out now, please? Sorry. I'm having a wank over here. I'll tell you something, Paul. No, I won't be manhandled. I won't be manhandled. Can you please leave? I'll tell you. Please leave now, Grumpy. If you manhandled. I won't be manhandled. Please leave.

I'll tell you. Please leave now, Grumpy. If you think I'm grumpy now... I'm going to have to turn your microphone off. I'm sorry. I'm turning your microphone off. I'm Grumpy Sessions, God damn you. I won't be disrespected.

I was invited here. Is it just meant to be the outro where we do the credits and stuff? Right, I'll stuff Right I'll go I'll go but it's On my own volition I'll tell you that Paul Bye

I'm coming back in another episode as well No you won't I fucking hope Right Right I'm going Thank you for supporting us on Patreon Alright that's the end of the episode everybody Yeah

I'm going to ask you to be quiet Just before I get the admin out of the way Then we can get out of here Alright Can I just say www. No to be quiet just before I get the oven out of the way, then we can get out of here, all right? Can I just say www. No. And if you do it, I will hit you. Oh, fuck me.

I'm just saying. I will hit you. Can you imagine us in 10 years' time doing this, Paul? I hope not. What it's going to be like. It is going to be utter deranged madness. We're just going to be doing... Is that what it's going to be like?

Yeah, then the theme tune kicks in. Right, here we go. The Cheap Show at... Calm down. Here we go. Take two. Edit this out. Take two.

So, thank you for supporting us on patreon if you do indeed and if you don't give it a go you might like it much for that you go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and great it keeps us going and we deeply deeply richly appreciate it what else the website is thecheapshow.co.uk you can go there to see pictures and videos that accompany this episode we're on twitter at thecheapshow Pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. Eli is... E-L-I-S-N-O-Y-D, which is Eli Snowde.

And if you want to email us about anything, and particularly maybe nice stories, thecheapshow at gmail.com. What else? Yeah, we're on Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Reddit's got a page,

forward slash R, forward slash Cheap Show. That's it. Get involved in the conversation. Join the fun and larks on Planet Cheap Show. W-W-W involved in the conversation. Join the fun and larks on Planet Cheap Show. W-W-W dot. And if you're coming

to the live show, by all means, bring food and tat. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. And a monkey. That's how I'm feeling about the live shows, Paul. Getting frothy.

Shows. We've got a few surprises lined up. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Like that. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ask me about how I'm feeling about the live shows.

How are you feeling about the live shows? Ooh. Ooh. Just meant to be an outro. that's all it's meant to be so I'm fucking going to lamp you don't lamp me

what you you're acting out your childhood trauma on this fucking podcast anyway thank you for watching Cheap Show not watching it that's it

I'm done goodbye Anyway, thank you for watching Cheap Show. Not watching it. That's it, I'm done. Goodbye.